#the radio is always playing at my new job and it’s mostly sad love songs

[thehoneybus]

ILLUSIONS NEVER CHANGED INTO SOMETHING REAL

[bunnysuit-femboy]

Forbidden

Pairing: Dilf!Armin x Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: Cheating, Use of the word sir, Fingering, Slightly manipulative Armin

Quick Summary: you’re a babysitter for the Arlert family and Mr. Arlert shows you just how much he appreciates your company

Notes: This was written for @1252291​‘s Forbidden Collaboration! Thank you so much for letting me join the collab, I had so much fun writing this!

You greeted the lovely couple at the door, opening it wide enough for them to slip in amongst their quiet conversation. Mrs. Arlert didn’t give you so much as a hello before she was stomping up the stairs and to her room. Mr. Arlert was nicer than his wife though; he actually offered you a hello as he entered the house and a bit of conversation before offering to drive you home.

He talked to you briefly about the things he normally asked you about; how college was going for you, how the kiddo was that night, what you both had for dinner, and if you were ready to go. It was the same conversation you had with him every Friday night when he brought you over to watch his kid as he and his wife went out for their weekly date night.

Mr. Arlert led you to his car which was parked closest to the door. He was just as gentlemanly as he had been in his youth; he opened the front door for you, led you to the passenger side of his car and even opened that door for you as well. He’s your dream man, through and through, it’s something you realized six months ago after taking the job as his babysitter. He was everything you’ve ever wanted in a man.

As you drove towards your campus, Armin hummed to the music playing from the radio. He didn’t talk much since he had asked all of his regular questions for you at the door of his house. He didn’t have much more to say. So, he sang instead for you, humming the lyrics of most of the songs coming from his car.

You sat silently in his passenger seat. You watched as the buildings passed and the moon followed you and Mr. Arlert through the streets of the small college town. He was driving you back to your dorm building, driving carefully as he passed by drunk students and familiar buildings with your classes inside.

“I actually went to school here as well,” Armin said he passed by the Humanities building on the right, “I was an English major and a Psychology minor, believe it or not.”

You tilted your head towards the man, “A Psychology minor, I can believe - but an English major - I don’t think it suits you.”

Armin smiled at you, “What would you assume my major would be?”

“Something in medicine, probably. You’re just so formal, like a doctor. I could even see you being a physical therapist.” You shrugged at the man. “But, I do know that you teach poetry, so I guess it makes sense that you didn’t major in medicine.”

“Smart,” Armin said as he turned back to the road, “You used your context clues.”

You giggled into your hand, turning back to the buildings passing through your window. Armin wasn’t expecting that noise to come from your mouth, you let out such a lovely little laugh that it genuinely surprised him. He could hardly pay attention to the road afterwards, just looking at you with a new light in his eyes. He didn’t care what he had to do, he was willing to do it in order to hear that giggle come from your mouth again.

You turned towards the campus to hide your grinning face from Mr. Arlert. He kept sneaking peeks at you even though your focus wasn’t on him, he was hoping to catch a glimpse of your beautiful features. He almost didn’t hear you as you spoke, all of his attention focused on your person rather than your words.

“Mr. Arlert,” You nearly whispered into the passenger side window, “I really admire how deeply you and Mrs. Arlert love each other-”

“Oh, don’t.” Armin smiled bittersweetly to his steering wheel. “It’s really not something you should admire.”

You now looked at Mr.Arlert with wide eyes, “What do you mean?”

“We just-” Armin sighed before continuing. “We aren’t as perfect as you think we are.”

“What are you talking about?” Your mouth set itself into a pout as you stared at the man you’ve looked up to for so long. Not only was he an amazing man, he was an amazing father, and an amazing husband. And, to think a part of that was false drove you to a deep sense of sadness, like the feeling of finally meeting your role model and only realizing they were just another asshole in the world.

Armin grinned pityingly at you, “We’re just human, dear.”

You furrowed your eyebrows at Mr. Arlert, confused with how somebody could crush your heart so casually with one sentence. You tried to hide your obvious disappointment with this new information, but it was so hard. Mr. Arlert was such an amazing man, he deserved a more real love - and he, above everything, deserved somebody who could give that to him.

Mr. Arlert drove dangerously slower than the speed limit and he even seemed to keep missing the road leading to your dorm building. It was as if he were successfully buying more time with you - pretending he didn’t know the familiar way back to your dorm, and even getting lost in the mostly abandoned parking lot once he finally found it.

You sighed before eventually turning to Mr. Arlert, “Why do you stay with her then? If you’re only pretending to be happy, then why don’t you leave your wife?”

You noticed a moment too late that maybe the question was a bit much. You were about to take the words back, quickly asking a more appropriate question. But, by the time your mind had thought of a second, better question, Mr. Arlert was already beginning to answer your last question.

Armin turned the car into an empty parking spot nowhere close to the front doors of the dorm building. He put his car into park before finally contemplating the question you asked him. He knew two answers, one answer that was true and the other answer being the one he knew you wanted to hear.

“I don’t know,” Armin answered, “I suppose it’s because-” Armin took a moment to think before continuing. “I guess it’s because I haven’t found the right person. I’m just stuck with my wife until I find somebody worth destroying that relationship for. It’s horrible, I know - I feel awful thinking this way, and thinking of these things.”

Armin ignored your face while he spoke, promptly avoiding the bright new look in your eyes. It was as if the world was coming together in the palm of your hands, like the puzzle pieces you’ve been collecting along the way were finally beginning to make a bigger picture. Mr. Arlert had said exactly what you wanted him to, even inviting you to fantasize about what his words could mean for you.

You said it yourself; Mr. Arlert was an amazing man and he deserved somebody who could give him real love. And, his wife wasn’t that person - he made that very clear, he was only with her because he had no other choice. And, you were sure Armin could find somebody out there in the world as a newly single silver fox. But, you also knew that he didn’t have to look so far for that real love, he could just look in his passenger seat for somebody who could love him unconditionally and indefinitely.

“It’s not,” You said as you gently laid a comforting hand on Mr.Arlert’s shoulder, “You deserve more than what she’s giving you, so nobody can blame you for wanting it.”

Wanting it was an understatement, Armin was practically frothing at the mouth from craving it. He couldn’t get through a single day without thinking about it - thinking about you. Thinking about how sweet your voice is towards him, even after hours of dealing with a child. Thinking about just how hard you giggle at his jokes, a soft laugh that echoes through his mind for hours afterwards. Thinking about just how slick and soft your thighs looked under the hem of your skirt, and how you seemed to play with his imagination when you bent over to pick up a toy in front of him. It was like you wanted him to stare, and like you wanted him to think about the feeling of your hips against his fingertips as he thrusts deeper and deeper into you from behind.

Armin turned slowly towards you, blue eyes sparkling thanks to the street light shining through his sunroof. His eyes watched your face carefully, afraid of missing a hint of discomfort. He wanted to lean into your touch - more than he’s wanted anything before in his life - but he would never allow himself to get closer to you if he knew you didn’t want him to.

“But,” Armin asked in a small tone, “Even if wanting something is okay, is having that same thing okay as well?”

You were suddenly hyper aware of Mr. Arlert’s eyes being glued to your lips. Your mouth was now dry, causing you to incessantly lick your lips, but nothing quite quenched the thirst your mouth craved. Being in this car alone with Mr. Arlert was turning your insides to mush, destroying your composure in front of his very eyes.

“Only if the other person wants it as well,” You said in a quiet voice only to be heard if Mr. Arlert were listening intently, “And I do.”

Armin’s eyes quickly glanced up to your own. His light blue eyes were shining with a new deepness of desire. He never felt this way with his wife - well, maybe once upon a time many, many years ago, but now - he only ever felt this way with you. He felt it from the moment he met you, from the moment you walked through his front door and into his house six months ago. It was like the dying flames of passion were suddenly reignited in his body.

And, he was so grateful that you could reverse what his wife had destroyed. He felt so thankful in fact that he wanted to prove to you how much he appreciates you. For babysitting his daughter, for making intellectual conversation, for wearing that skimpy little skirt you seemed to always be wearing around him - he wanted to show you just how much he appreciates everything you do, so he kissed you.

It was the only form of payment he could imagine, and he rather liked that it benefited himself as well as you. He liked that when he kissed you gently, you immediately pushed your mouth into his lips, only deepening the kiss. And, he liked that when he ran his hand gently through your hair, you moaned against his mouth, making him want to do the action over again and again. And - above everything else - Armin mostly liked that when he whispered how kissing you was wrong when he was married, you immediately answered with a plea for him to continue, swearing up and down that you wouldn’t tell a soul about what happened.

He liked how badly you wanted him, something his wife hasn’t shown him in many years.

Mr. Arlert’s rough hand was no longer in your hair, now instead on your smooth thigh. His calloused fingers moved under the hem of your small purple skirt, spreading your legs when he slid his finger down the crotch of your panties. The movement of his fingers had you moaning against his mouth as he continued to feel your throbbing cunt through the now wet fabric of your panties.

Your breath was hot against Armin’s mouth and it only encouraged him further. He could feel the ghost of a moan on your lips and he craved more. He wanted to hear you really moan for him, moan out in pleasure, moan out his name. He wanted to hear it all, every hiccup in your throat and every plea for him to go harder.

“Mr. Arlert,” You whispered breathlessly against his lips, “I want more, please.”

Armin chuckled to himself, “Mr. Arlert?” Armin leaned back from your face, taking in the sight of your delicate features illuminated by the streetlight above his car. Armin’s blue eyes carefully searched your face with just the ghost of a smile present across his lips. “You make me sound so old, just call me Armin.”

“But, Mr. Arlert-”

“Or,” Armin said with a soft grin, “You can call me sir.”

You raised your eyebrows, “Sir?”

Armin smiled, “Mhm, just like that.”

“Sir,” You mewled the word into his mouth, as Armin kissed you deeper. “Sir.” Between kisses, you whispered to Armin exactly what he wanted to hear. “Sir.” You wanted to please him, you craved to please him and to do so you had to do exactly what he asked of you. “Sir.” You would do anything he asked of you.

Armin practically whimpered into your mouth, “Say it again.”

Mr. Arlert’s hand is still under the hem of your skirt, his fingers brushing against your throbbing core. You could barely get an uninterrupted breath out, nevermind a full word. You were already overwhelmed by Mr. Arlert’s touch. Every graze of his fingertip against your body had you moaning desperately for more.

“Si-” Your word quickly turned into a moan out for Armin as his fingers plunged deeper into your panties. He was kissing you with each stroke of his fingers against your core, collecting the wetness that had settled there. Armin leaned back with a cocky smile against his lips, whispering a demand as he watched you struggle to speak.

“I wanna hear you say it again,” Armin said in a sweet tone contrary to the dirty things his fingers were doing, “Please, baby - if you say it again, I’ll do whatever you ask of me.”

Whatever you asked? Of course you knew he meant in a shorter time frame, but your mind couldn’t help but jump to everything you could ask him. You could ask him to divorce his wife. You could ask him to marry you instead and let you love him indefinitely. Or - you supposed, for now - you could ask him to fuck you dumb in the backseat of his car. But, someday you’ll ask him to dedicate his everything to you, hopefully someday soon if he fucked you well enough.

Armin fingers teased the sensitive skin under the fabric of your panties. He played you like a piano, tipping his finger in, out, and around. Each movement was agonizing and satisfying at the same time, you moaned out for him to do more but he only refused. He was serious about his request and he wouldn’t accept your plea if you didn’t call him sir first - even though he wanted it just as much as you.

He almost couldn’t take it, he wanted to be inside of you but you were taking your time with calling for him. He had to stop himself from talking you through the word, babying you into speaking the way he used to help his daughter. He just wanted to touch you, couldn’t you give him this?

“Say it or-” Armin’s hand started to pull back from between your legs- “I don’t do anything to you.” You quickly grabbed his wrist, keeping his fingers close to your skirt.

“Sir!” You practically shouted the word into his mouth. You just wanted him to touch you and it made your blood run cold to feel him pulling away. “Touch me, please just touch me, sir.”

“That’s my girl.”

Armin did as promised, he did as you asked after complying to his request. He touched you, his hand was back under your panties and dipping his thick fingers into your wetness. It was hard to focus on the praises he whispered between your lips, you were too engrossed by his fingers diving in and out of you under the thin fabric of your skirt.

Armin groaned into your mouth as your fingers dug into his bicep. You pulled his arm closer to your body, causing his hands to follow. You bucked your hips up into his hand as you pulled his fingers deeper and deeper inside of you, hoping he could reach all of the parts inside of you that had never been touched before.

Only Armin could satisfy you completely, not the idiots you’ve given yourself to before.

Mr. Arlert was more experienced than all of those other boys. He didn’t just push himself into you, completely unaware of your own pleasure. No, Armin took his time with you, he moved his fingers in and out of you to the same beat of the song playing quietly in the background.

And when his thick and rough fingers were already deep inside of you, he curled them. The movement brought out a whole different noise from you, more like a cry out for Armin. This noise was surprisingly better than the giggle he heard earlier, and he couldn’t get enough of it or you.

You could feel his fingers bringing you closer and closer to your climax. And he could feel it as well, feel the way your body sucked him into you in more ways than one; the way your entrance pulled his fingers in, the way your hips jutted sloppily into his arm, and the way your face scrunched up in pleasure.

It only took two more strokes of Armin’s hand before the internal band in your stomach was snapping and you were releasing all over Armin’s fingers and the crotch of your panties. You had never felt so empty once Mr. Arlert had taken his fingers from inside of you.

“Mr. Arlert,” You whispered to him once he had turned himself back to the steering wheel, readying himself to leave. You put your arms around him, touching his back and thigh before leaning close enough to say the words. “Do you want me to-?”

“No,” Armin said much too quickly for your liking, “How about we do that next time? If I stay out much longer, my wife will get suspicious.”

You nodded frantically, “Okay - okay, next time - next Friday?”

Armin nodded with a gentle smile, “Next Friday.”

He kissed you once before letting you leave. It was stupid to think that anything more could happen between you and Mr. Arlert - you knew that. But, you couldn’t help but feel giddy as you stepped out of the car and walked off towards your dorm building. You couldn’t wait for next Friday, and - more specifically - the night after babysitting when Mr. Arlert would drive you home.

[apixrl]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

[pffbts]

＊ legends : [ ☼ ] - fluff | [ ♛ ] - smut | [ ☾ ] - angst.

Don’t repost or translate my stories. Uploading onto other sites (even with credit) is not allowed!

―QUICK LINKS ↴

⤿ wips

⤿ networks: caratwritersclub

―bts: the way i see them; an introductory post

→ K I M   N A M J O O N 

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ]  Spring: The Time I Met You

―where you and namjoon drift apart because of his job and somehow he senses it while he tries to mend things up when they go downhill.

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] While You Were Sleeping

―where you`ve a nightmare and joon calms you down.

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] When Eyes Meet

―his fingers waited to be wrapped around your own, passing the heats of both palms to each other.

 & MORE.

→ K I M   S E O K J I N

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ]  Anything For You

―where sharing a cup of coke to letting it out that jin has always been love with you, that he couldn`t look past you at the end of an apartment hunting day becomes the longest day for you with some realization coming to life. 

& MORE.

→ M I N  Y O O N G I

[ ☼ ]  [ ☾ ]  Save Me (werewolf! au)

―somethings are meant to be left unsaid.

[ ☼ ]  [ ☾ ]  Another Year, Another Us

―let`s just say that we will definitely suffer a lot and that we will cry a lot. maybe not you. maybe it will mostly be me, but i`ll cry a lot. i promise even if it`s for both of us.

[ ☼ ]  [ ☾ ] Only Rain Remains

―“bullshit,” yoongi had said, “your face is the most expressive. you`re literally like an open book.”

& MORE.

→ J U N G  H O S E O K

[ ☼ ]  [ ☾ ] Sunrays (dad! hoseok)

parts: one | two.

―sometimes you get the chance to live through someone and see the sun rays in a different way.

[ ☼ ]  [ ☾ ] Sunflower Stickers (journaling! au)

―their happy moments are captured in time and though the time has frozen in that particular picture, the feelings inside those two humans grow with abundant depth.

& MORE.

→ P A R K   J I M I N

[ ☾ ] [ ☼ ] Play Me A Song

―the local late-night radio jockey is somehow the guy who lives next door.

[ ☾ ] [ ☼ ] That Thing Is Love

―more than feeling you, he wants to know you. maybe people won`t understand him if he ever tells them about his perspective of love for you, also it`s not like he has ever tried speaking about it. it would sound too greasy for their ears.

[ ☾ ] [ ☼ ] Heartbeat

―where nights like this are rare, when there`s the most minimum distance in-between both of you & jimin has the full freedom to listen to your hearbeats to sleep rather than the songs on radio.

& MORE.

→ K I M   T A E H Y U N G

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ]  Fall Into My Arms

―somehow your arms are enough tonight.

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ]  Please Remember

―it has been the only thing that`s been with me all this while. i had given up on almost all things other than this

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] Winter Bear

―he could stay like this all night and nothing will change. in-between both of you there stands a big thin wall. some unrequited feelings and some unsaid words, taehyung sighed softly. right now everything that he did, every little gesture, every little action, everything came out into its mildest form. it was as if you`re the most sensitive thing in this world right at this moment. taehyung couldn`t differentiate if it was him who was being vulnerable right now or you.

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] A Moment of Indulgence

―in which taehyung recites you a poem by tagore while you sit in your bathtub and his voice rings out the day`s tiredness off your body beside the basking sunset.

& MORE.

→ J E O N   J E O N G G U K

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] [ ♛ ]  Lost & Found

―maybe this is how fate works. maybe it was your act of fleeing that made him realize how much emotionally he was dependent on you.

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] Beginner`s Lesson To The Otaku Life

―okay, but what do you think about gguk and library but it`s binge-watching sad anime movies instead of reading books at the farthest corner of the library?

[08:58 AM] from you: “gguk―what if you were my best friend?”

―[09:01 AM] from gguk: “i thought we were already best friends.”

[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] Nights When We Fall in Love

―a new guy at the local bar has been making some noise among the people of this town with his charming voice & you decided to hit the bar with not a clue of what will go down that night when you finally get to meet him.

[ ☼ ] [ ♛ ] After Rain

―as you sit with your back facing jungkook on the floor, his eyes slightly widens as he realizes that he could, at that moment, if only he squinted his eyes a tad bit harder, can make out the whole of your back through that piece of clothing.

[ ☼ ] A Thousand Steps Away (established relationship)

― “anything cherry flavored is my favourite so naturally, it is my favourite lip balm of all time.”

→ C H O I   S A N

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ]  Koi no Yokan ; barista!choi san.

―your head held back, your thoughts clouding your head, suddenly in-between that, making way for some room inside that mind, you hear san`s excited voice.

→ C H O I   J O N G H O

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ]  A Fool`s Act 

―choi jongho―transferred himself to this school two years ago and it didn`t even take a month before he was already a strong player in the school`s basketball team. for your case, it took him only a week.

→ L O A D I N G....

[on-hold] what if we lived in the same town | ot13

↬synopsis: there are 13 boys who lives in your town where each of them have each of their own colours. some you know in person & some from afar so one day you sat down deciding to describe each of their colours absorbing all of their goodness and all of their flaws. you wondered what if someone in some other town ever thought of questioning when they looked at these boys, that―what if we lived in the same town?

members: seungcheol / jeonghan / joshua / junhui / soonyoung / wonwoo / jihoon / seokmin / mingyu / minghao / seungkwan / vernon / chan

→ C H O I   S E U N G C H E O L

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ]  Cakes & Blues

―where a sudden bunch of texts from seungcheol one night before your work finishes off makes you end up in front of his restaurant. a sudden surprise with a handmade birthday cake from this blue haired guy, a strings of memories, an heated kiss while a walk back home after that ends up into something of a first for both of you. maybe opening up to feelings is not always just about naked bodies and sheets in-between each other but rather it`s two hearts bare open, un-bottling feelings over a shared cup of memories.

→ K W O N   S O O N Y O U N G

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ] Here`s My First Rose To You

―where sometimes some confessions doesn`t need much words.

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ] Skin to Skin

―where you wake up next to the love of you life, his warmth against you and yours against his.

→ L E E   S E O K M I N

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ]  If I Get To Meet You (ghost!au)

― coming soon!

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ] Chosen Family

― coming soon!

→ K I M   M I N G Y U

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ]  Navy Blue Socks

―where mingyu puts on socks for you when he sees how the cool air has engulfed the sleeping you.

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ]  I Call You, Her

― “breathless, mingyu smiles as he kisses both of your palms. pulling you into his lap, he tells himself that this is exactly where he belongs. there`s no other place like this where he can wish to live and die at the same time. he wants to engrave your name to his bones and tell you how he was only born for you.”

→ B O O   S E U N G K W A N

[ ☼ ][ ☾ ] Only Fools Rush In

― if he tells you, that he loves you and even if it’s just to call him by his full name, please don’t forget him? 

→ C O N N E C T    W I T H    M E  :)

↳ ask box

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO PFFBTS.

[achliegh]

Bronze

Alright, I had this wonderful idea come into my head about Clayton, honestly he deserves his own fic. So here is his version of events! Lots will tie together with Golden so I recommend you read that as well. But you don’t have to of course.

Explaining:

Before Letter is the present.

Letter is updating the lives of the people back home, of whoever wrote it mostly.

After Letter is memory.

The first few letters will be very awkward because writing letters and not being sure what to talk about and what not to talk about is hard and confusing. Stick with me! Yes, this prologue is just a letter.

TW/CW: Discussions of death, miliatry training, smut, cringy jokes, underage drinking, dumb choices, swearing, and more later on.

Beta: @walking-crisis

Some Characters belong to @lumosinlove

Chapter 3:

Dear Uncle Sam

Copperhead Road (Line Dance Skip to 1 minute)

It was an uneventful night, they had just gotten back from an assignment that came up with nothing. Taking off his boots Clay was sitting on his cot, rolling his neck to crack it. Stiff from looking through a scope all day. A song that Clay wasn’t familiar was playing over the satellite radio, something old.

As he took his boots off the picture he always keeps in his left boot falls out and flutters to the floor, smiling he picks up the picture of Leo, Reg, Eloise, and himself smiling at the camera during Christmas one year at the Dumias’ house. He sets it next to him and tugs off his other boot where his other photo falls out. He can’t help the sad and lonely smile that creeps onto his face. Running his thumb over their faces he reminds himself that he has two weeks until he sees them again.

Thomas and Noelle were the last faces he saw before a loud bang and bright lights were all he saw.

Sitting up as soon as the light dulled he felt a shock flow through his body and gasped for breath. Grabbing his chest a sudden heat shot through the back of his head to the left side of his forehead.

“Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.” A voice caught his attention, looking around he spotted a man that looked familiar but not at the same time.

“Where am I!? What happened? Am I dead!?”

“Do you feel dead?”

“... I don’t know”

“We’ll come back to that in a moment. Do you remember your name?” The man moves to sit at the edge of Clay’s bed from where he was standing in the doorway.

“Clayton London Bruss. Now where am I?” Clay lifts his hand up to his forehead where the pain still throbs and feels bandages.

“You’re in a recovery center, you were shot by one of your superior officers.” Clays eyes widen and he lays back down. Then he remembers his pictures and a feeling of guilt washed over him.

“I’m Grev Kinter, I’ll be helping you recover.” The man held out his hand for clay to shake.

He didn’t take his hand.

Dear Dancer,

Long time no write, haven’t heard from you in a couple months. I hope you’re still kicking ass out there. I do miss you… a lot. You come home in 2 weeks. I can survive, but I am getting impatient.

Oh! Remember that dance and song that made me realize I liked you? I finally learned the dance! That means we can dance when you get home.

I may be able to skate like it's nothing but I can’t line dance for shit. But, I learned for you… and because it gets stuck in my head all the time.

When you get home we have to go to this new restaurant that sells a bunch of southern foods because I need to know if it's authentic or not. I eat there everyday you're deployed just to remind me of you.

Was that too cheesy?

Well, I haven’t gotten to be cheesy in a while to you so… Deal with it.

I hope you get this before you are on your way home or else you’ll have no clue what I’m talking about.

All the love,

Thomas

P.S

Noelle says hello!

“I fucking hate those boots.” Leo runs the back of his thigh where Clayton just kicked him with his cherry red pointed toe boots. Smiling, he pats Leo’s shoulder.

“You're just jealous you can’t look this good.” They went to sit at their normal table, Reg sat in between them. It’s where he feels most comfortable. They ordered drinks as they waited for the team to arrive, the music was swinging, people were laughing. It was a relaxed night.

Clay was a bit nervous though, he had gotten close to a specific person on the team and he recently found out that that person was already in a relationship. He had gotten her number from Logan somehow, he didn’t know how those two knew each other, he had called the girlfriend to let her know that he and the teammate had been talking. The next thing he knew he was on the phone with her for hours, talking about him, life, hockey and how Clay had no idea how to follow the game.

She was something special, but Clay knew that those two were happy together so he tried to just be friendly with them. New friends never hurt anyone. Then he saw them in person again and being just friends suddenly became a lot harder.

Thomas, a whole 6’2” man of solid muscle broader than clay himself and just the light in the room. He has the nickname Talkie because he loves to chat with anyone, for hours, including Clay. It felt like he had known Thomas for years when really it was only a number of months.

Noelle balanced him out perfectly, she is smart as hell, quiet but still goofy with Thomas. She was taller than Logan by an inch and won’t let him forget it, her long brown hair was constantly up in a ponytail. She also plays hockey but not professionally, she plays for fun. Clay doesn’t know her job yet but he wants to know everything about her.

It was just the guys coming out tonight because Judy invited the women and whoever didn’t want to come out over to have a wine tasting of Garland’s homemade wine. Clay was out on the floor dancing with one of his friends from highschool when the team came in. He made his way back over to them when the song ended and joined them in a round of shots.

He makes eye contact with Thomas for a second too long and he quickly looks away to Reg who is coughing from the burn of the drink and pats his back. After a couple of minutes of chatting and joking Clay's favorite song came on.

“Leo! Come on!” Clay drags Leo onto the floor right in front as the music gets past the intro. Logan was supporting himself on the table next to a smug Finn. Thomas and James were watching as they started the dance. The light changed to this dull yellow light that swirled around the floor landing on dancers every once in a while.

Clay and Leo were constantly under the light because everyone knew them there. Anytime Clay looked up he always felt a specific set of eyes on him. Dark brown and soft. Clay lost himself in the music, dancing was something he enjoyed to a fault. Once he gets in the zone he can’t be talked to.

Swinging his legs, kicking to the beat, stomping in time he smiles to himself. Starting to sweat he untucks his tank top from his jeans. He tips his head back until the stomp comes up and whips his head forward when he stomps.

The words in this song always get to him, especially something that he was planning to do already… without telling anyone.

“I volunteered for the army on my birthday.” He hums along kicking in a circle and kicking Leo’s ankle just to mess with him. He laughs when Leo flips him off. Smiling as the song ends, he is panting and sweating.

“I always forget how that dance makes me feel out of shape.” Leo flings his arm over Clay's shoulder as they walk back over to the table and take gulps of their drinks. “I’m going for a smoke, anyone else?” Clay nods, Sirius and Logan follow them along with Thomas. Clay didn’t see him as a smoker but everyone has surprises.

“Light me.” Clay holds out his cig as Leo finishes lighting his own, rolling his eyes Leo does after he passes his own to Logan. Sirius came outside for some fresh air and is chatting with Thomas who also came out here for that reason. Taking a drag and leaning against the wall, he looks up at the stars that are poking through the clouds. Closing his eyes he falls back into his own world for an unknown amount of time.

“Coming back in?” Clay blinks his eyes open to see Thomas standing by himself in front of him. His heart feels like it stops beating for a moment. “I mean it is pretty nice outside, I wouldn't mind staying out here. Especially with you.” Clay choked on the drag he was taking from his cigarette when Thomas mumbles the last thing he said. He feels a large palm on his back, not patting but rubbing his back.

Clay looks at him and takes a deep breath and shrugs the hand off of him.

“Let’s go back in. this isn’t something you want, Thomas” He stumps out his cig on the bottom of his boot and pushes off the wall.

“What do you mean?” Clay looks back at him and his face softens when he sees a look of hope and confusion in Thomas's gorgeous eyes. “I mean, I’m straight… or I think I am, but maybe I’m not and I just- I don’t know anymore.” Thomas reaches out to Clay and grabs his pinky finger with his pointer and pulls Clay closer to him.

“I don’t think you are straight, maybe you forgot but I am a man.”

“I know.” Suddenly Clay's back is to the brick of the alley and rough hands are on his waist. He watches Thomas lean forward, pausing for a second to make sure this was what Clay wanted. Clay stares into his eyes then glances down at his lips. Nodding slightly he feels Thomas surge forwards and connect their lips.

It was like his blood turned to fire, a sensation he has never felt before. Their lips moved in sync with each, Clay constantly being pulled against Thomas with his greedy hands and his own arms gripping Thomas's t-shirt. After a couple of minutes they pulled away for breath and Thomas backed away.

Thomas Left. Clay went to find Reg.

Noelle needed to know.

[deancas-fanfiction]

Hardest Part is Letting Go

Part 3/7

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Fic Summary: Upon his diagnosis of a terminal illness, Dean vows to spend the rest of his short life with Cas by his side, completing his bucket list while learning what it really means to live and love.

Chapter Summary: Dean and Cas cross another item off Dean's bucket list by embarking on a road trip for Sam's law school graduation.

Part 1 Part 2

available on ao3

“Can you believe it? Sam Winchester: attorney at law.” Dean mused.

“Or Sam Winchester, Esquire.” Cas offered.

Dean snorted and shook his head, throwing another flannel in his suitcase. “He’s a big fancy lawyer now. My baby brother is all grown up.”

“Well, he is twenty-seven. I imagine he’s been ‘all grown up’ for some time now,” Cas joked.

“Yeah, I suppose when he married Jess that ship kind of sailed, huh?”

“I suppose.” Cas agreed with a faint smile. He zipped his suitcase and sat on their bed, watching Dean throw another wrinkled shirt in his bag. “Are you really not going to fold that?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas. It’s a t-shirt. I think it will be fine.”

“What about your nice shirt for his graduation?” He eyed Dean and took in the way he avoided meeting his eyes. “Please tell me you’re packing a nice shirt for his graduation.”

“It’s a graduation ceremony, Cas! I don’t need a suit. Remember his college graduation? Most people were dressed casually.”

“And remember when Jess booked us all a reservation at that French restaurant afterward? The host made you go home and change because you didn’t meet the dress code. Besides, I’m willing to bet Jess will make another fancy reservation for celebrations after the ceremony.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll bring a nice button-down. But I’m not wearing a suit,” He warned.

Cas held his hands up in mock surrender. “I would never dream of making you wear one.”

Dean threw the nearest button-down on the top of his suitcase and began zipping it up. He only paused when he heard Cas wince.

“It’s going to wrinkle, Dean!”

Dean stepped back and scratched his jaw, letting out a sigh. “Okay, new plan: I’ll leave the room and make us some dinner. This allows you to completely repack my suitcase the way you like, and I won’t even complain about it.” 

Cas grinned, happy with the outcome. “Deal!”

Dean kissed the top of his head and left the room, mumbling something about how a few wrinkles wouldn’t hurt anyone, which Cas pointedly chose to ignore. He then dumped out the contents of Dean’s suitcase and methodically began folding and repacking the luggage.

As predicted, autumn was fleeting and quickly turned into a cold and brutal winter. It was only early December, but the wind was biting and the snow ruthless. When Dean and Cas learned that Sam was graduating from law school a semester early, they were ecstatic. Mostly because Sam was the male equivalent of Elle Woods by graduating from law school top of his class, but also because they get to trade the incessant cold of Kansas for the sunny warmth of California.

The timing of his graduation was perfect, actually. Dean’s symptoms remained stagnant for the last two months and were completely manageable with the help of his medications. If Sam hadn’t taken those extra summer classes the last two years, he would actually be graduating in May and Cas wasn’t so sure if Dean could make that cross-country trek six months from now. But he pushed that thought from his mind and returned to the task at hand.

They originally planned on flying to California for the graduation, but then Cas had a stroke of genius. Remembering item six on Dean’s list, he suggested turning it into a road trip. For as long as Cas has known him, Dean dreamed of road tripping along the historic Route 66, which begins in Chicago and ends in Los Angeles; and suddenly all of the pieces fit into place. They would join Route 66 in Oklahoma, just four hours away from Lawrence. Then they’d follow the route all the way to L.A., arriving just in time for Sam’s graduation from UCLA. After he proposed the idea, Dean was completely on board and already mapping out the best stops for pie and burgers along the way. 

Cas finished with Dean’s suitcase and quickly returned his attention back to his own bag. He double-checked he had everything packed, including a small wooden box hidden at the bottom with a certain piece of jewelry inside. Satisfied with the completion of his mental checklist, Cas zipped the bags and followed the scent of dinner to the kitchen.

-----

“Dean.” Cas groaned, his voice rough and gravelly from sleep. “Must we leave at such an obscene hour?”

Dean chuckled and shut his car door. “According to the schedule that you made, we need to drive about twelve hours today to make it on time. I’m just following your orders, babe.”

“The sun isn’t even up yet,” Cas whined, slumping in the seat.

“Here, this will help.” Dean handed him a large thermos with coffee and started the engine. The engine purred beneath him and Dean couldn’t help but let out a quiet sigh. It always felt so good to get behind the wheel of his baby. He put the car into gear and pulled out of their driveway, heading towards the open road.

He glanced over at Cas as he took a large gulp of coffee. His hair was sticking out in all directions, making it clear Cas didn’t even attempt to smooth it down today. He smiled at the grumpy expression on Cas’s face and turned his attention back to the road, drumming his fingers on the wheel.

The first hour of the drive was quiet. They headed south to hop onto Route 66 in Oklahoma. While they weren’t making the official Route 66 trek by beginning in Chicago, Dean was completely fine with that. He’d spent most of his life in the Midwest, he didn’t need to backtrack just to see the flat landscape he was already familiar with. The radio was playing softly as Dean and Cas both took the time to wake up for the day. As Cas pointed out, it was still dark so there were few cars on the road. It was actually a rather peaceful start to the day. 

As soft colors began to replace the dark sky, Cas’s mood began to turn around as the caffeine entered his system. He hummed along with the radio and watched the snow-covered trees quickly pass by. The pastel pinks and oranges from the rising sun reflected off the white snow, creating a warm glow. At that thought, he turned and leaned his back against the passenger door so he was facing Dean.

“You know, at first I was disappointed with the timing of the road trip. I didn’t think the drive would be very picturesque in December. I always thought fall or summer would be the opportune time to go.” He paused, looking back out the window. “But this is actually really nice. Everything is so still and quiet.”

“Well, by the time we get farther west it will feel like summer anyway. So, we’ll get a little bit of both.”

“That’s true,” Cas mused. “We should have done a road trip like this a long time ago.”

“We were always too busy with life. You had summers off, but that’s when the shop got the busiest for me. We just never made the time to slow down and experience things like this.” Dean observed. “Not that being so busy was a bad thing. We both loved our jobs, but we always said, ‘there will be a better time’ or ‘maybe next year.’ But now…well we don’t really have that privilege, do we?”

“I suppose not,” Cas sighed sadly.

“On a positive note, I’m glad that now we’re making the time for things like this.”

“Me, too.” He murmured, attempting a smile.

“Hey,” Dean said softly. “Stop that.”

“Sorry, I don’t like thinking about how we can no longer make long-term plans.”

“Then don’t think about it.”

“You know it’s not that easy.”

“Yeah, yeah I get it. But right now, I’m here, okay?” Dean tore a hand away from the steering wheel and intertwined it with Cas’s. “Focus on that. When your mind starts wandering to those thoughts, shut it down and focus on the now. Because these moments right here, these are the ones I want you to look back on and I only want you to remember how happy we are. I don’t want this last year tainted with sadness. Can you do that for me?”

Cas nodded and squeezed Dean’s hand. The gesture said more than he could vocalize at the moment. Cas had never cared for anyone as much he does for Dean. He always thought that finding Dean and experiencing that all-consuming, world-shattering love with him was like some kind of reward for surviving the first shitty eighteen years of his life. But now that Cas knows their time together is limited, he can’t help but feel like the punchline to some kind of cosmic joke.

He shook his head and slowly exhaled, turning his attention on Dean’s advice to focus on the positives. Dean is next to him right now and that’s all that matters. He has his left hand draped on the steering wheel with his right intertwined with Cas’s; and despite the heavy conversation, he still has a genuine smile on his face. It’s the kind of smile that lights up his whole face, giving him a youthful glow regardless of the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Cas returned his smile with a genuine one this time.

“We’re doing this all wrong, you know.” Cas states, changing the subject.

“Doing what wrong?” Dan asks quizzically.

“Your bucket list item. It said, ‘road trip with a kickass playlist.’ We’re currently road-tripping listening to a subpar radio station. Not really the same thing.”

“No,” He agreed. “I suppose it isn’t the same thing. Grab a tape out of the glove box, will ya?”

“I know you have very strict rules which state that the driver picks the music, but you’ll have to make an exception for this one instance.” Cas held up a cassette tape he dug out of his own jacket pocket which read ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx.’

Dean grinned. “That is always an exception. Pop it in.”

He inserted the tape into the player and turned the volume up a little higher. The opening notes to Immigrant Song played out and Cas settled into his seat, letting the music wash over him.

“Remember when I gave this to you?” Dean baited.

“We were fighting,” Cas laughed.

“Over something stupid.”

“Big surprise there.”

“God, I don’t even remember what the fight was about anymore.”

“I do. You –” Cas caught himself off. “You know what, it doesn’t matter.”

“Good save, Cas.”

Cas smirked. “You hadn’t talked to me all day. I was reading in the living room and you stomped in, dropped it on my lap and just walked away.”

“This was early in our relationship. I was bad at communicating! This was the best way I could tell you I was an idiot and that I was sorry.”

“Well, it obviously worked. I went for a drive and listened to it. I forgave you by the time this first song was over.”

“It’s only a two-minute song, Cas.”

“Exactly my point. I never have much resolve when it comes to staying mad at you, do I?”

“I suppose not,” Dean acknowledged. “Besides, that was a pretty romantic move on my part.”

“Yes, it was. If I hadn’t already been so in love with you at that point, I’m sure the mixtape would have sealed that deal.”

“So, what you’re saying is I should have made you a mixtape right after I met you?”

“I’m pretty sure from the moment I met you, I knew you were someone special, Dean.”

Dean flushed at that statement and he felt the tips of his ears turn pink. At this point in their relationship, he’d grown accustomed to how forward Cas can be, but it still has quite an impact on him. “Yeah, I thought the same about you,” He murmured.

Cas beamed at him, showing the whites of his teeth and leaned over to plant a quick kiss on his cheek. At that exact moment, the song ended and switched into Good Times Bad Times. Dean cranked it up and sang loudly along with Cas.

I know what it means to be alone

I sure do wish I was at home

I don't care what the neighbors say

I'm gonna love you each and every day

You can feel the beat within my heart

Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part

Yeah, this moment here is the exact reason he put this item on his bucket list.

In no time, they were cruising on Route 66 heading west towards New Mexico, their destination for the night. When they stopped to grab gas and snacks a few miles back, Cas grabbed a handful of Route 66 brochures and had been thoughtfully studying them ever since.

“Anything good?” Dean asked, rather amused at his boyfriend’s total infatuation with the tourist gimmick.

“Did you know that Route 66 was commissioned in 1926 but wasn’t fully paved until 1938? Then in 1985, it was decertified a U.S. highway. Originally it was 2,448 miles in 1926 but now it totals 2,278 miles from beginning to end.”

Dean hummed in response, not daring to interrupt Cas. He learned it’s best to let Cas get it out of his system.

“You know, there’s a place called ‘Cadillac Ranch’ in Texas. We could stop there! We’re pretty close.” He chirped, bringing Dean’s attention back to the conversation.

“A Cadillac ranch?” Dean grimaced. “What is that?”

“It’s a public art sculpture of ten Cadillac’s buried nose-first in the ground.” Cas paused for a moment. “Actually, that doesn’t sound very appealing at all.”

Dean chuckled. “Thank God. I was wondering how I was going to talk you out of it.”

“Are there any stops along the way you want to make?”

“Cas, I’m in this for the driving and for the company. I don’t need to stop at niche tourist stops unless it’s something you really want to do.”

“I just want to make sure you get the full road trip experience!”

“To me, the full road trip experience is exactly what we got going: good music, good conversation, and my car. I don’t need anything else; I promise.”

“If you say so,” Cas’s lips turned up at the corner, in a smile that Dean recognized as pure contentment.

The rest of their drive sped by as they joked, sang along to the music, and reminisced as songs played that reminded them of different points in their lives. Soon enough, they were pulling into Santa Rosa, New Mexico where they decided to call it for a night. They found a mediocre chain hotel with vacancy and pulled off the road. At that point they had been in the car for a little over twelve hours and were in desperate need of some space to stretch out. Driving long distances used to be much easier. Now Dean’s joints popped as he stepped out of the Impala and his legs felt uncomfortably stiff.

Dean checked them in as Cas went to grab dinner. The original plan was to grab food and drinks to celebrate a successful first day, but Dean could feel the exhaustion weighing him down. So, Cas volunteered to pick up takeout instead. After throwing his and Cas’s bags down on the floor, Dean collapsed on the bed. Instantly he longed for his memory foam as the springs of the cheap mattress poked against his back. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure it would be a big enough problem to keep him awake as he was so damn tired.

As he was beginning to nod off, he heard the door to the room click open and was met with the intoxicating smell of greasy takeout.  

“Honey, I’m home!” Cas greeted cheerfully. “And I brought pie.”

Dean shot up from his spot on the bed and kissed Cas in thanks. “God, I love you.”

“Are you talking to me or the food?”

“Why not both?” He asked, his mouth already full of fries.

“Touché.” Cas laughed and began digging in as well. He joined Dean on the bed, with their knees touching as he flipped on the television and found a movie for them to watch. They ate in a peaceful quiet, both engrossed in the movie.

Once the food was gone and the slices of pie were eaten, they both began tiredly stripping down to their boxers.

Dean watched with a different form of hunger in his eyes as Cas undressed.

“I can feel you watching me.” He chided, bending over to put his discarded clothes back in his bag.

“Of course, I am. I have a sexy boyfriend who is undressing right in front of me,” He murmured, wrapping his arms around Cas. Cas leaned back into the touch, letting out a soft sigh. Dean began peppering kisses along Cas’s jaw, pausing only to suck on the sensitive spot below his ear. Cas let out a quiet whimper at that and closed his eyes. Dean continued kissing down his neck to his shoulders when he paused to fight a yawn breaking to the surface.  

Cas laughed and the tension immediately lifted. “C’mon, let’s go to bed.”

“I don’t wanna,” Dean grumbled. Yet he allowed himself to be pulled to bed anyway.

“You can have your way with me tomorrow, I promise. But for now, sleep.”

Dean hummed and pulled Cas’s arm around his waist, so they were spooning. All previous annoyances about the crappy mattress were pushed from his head and quickly replaced with thoughts of Cas as he felt a soft kiss press to the back of his neck. With that, he allowed himself to lose consciousness and fall into a deep, happy sleep.

Author’s Note: Surprise, I decided to post the chapter two days early! Originally I planned on the whole road trip and Sam's graduation taking place in one chapter but it's turning out to be much longer than I anticipated. So I'll be breaking it up over the next chapter or two.

I also decided to change Sam's law school from Stanford to UCLA for the purpose of the road trip because Stanford would have been another 5 hours from L.A. and this just made it less complicated. Next chapter you can expect some smut, more road-tripping shenanigans and Sam! Please let me know what you think so far!

[cosmiclatte28]

Radio Romance (Doyoung x reader, Jaehyun)

This was on my wattpad too! Do check them out, I am working on my SuperM fanfiction.

Warning : Fluff, Doyoung and Jaehyun are radio DJs! Sweet ones obviously 

fluff and safe for work ;)

enjoy !!!

A great hit by Adele fades out as the familiar prelude to my beloved radio segment chimes in. The catchy yet simple jingle makes me perks my ears.

"Good evening citizens! This is DJ Doyoung"

"And this is DJ Jaehyun. You are now listening to Night Paradise of One Two Seven Regular Radio"

"Where you can relax and sleep with sweet dreams." Said Doyoung.

"The time now is nine o'clock. It is Wednesday May 8 and tonight we will receive your song requests and of course the favorite Radio Romance program is still available." Jaehyunexplains their rundown.

I go to turn up the music louder, well the channel I am tuning in right now is our Campus' radio station and since freshman days, this radio station really helps me during the stress nights before finals until the lonely nights when I miss mother's home cook meal. I really love the program, listening to music, witnessing a guy confess to a girl he likes, sometimes I just like to listen to the bickering of the DJs, and mostly I just like having sounds in my silent room. I share an apartment with a foreigner from the same country but he is currently busy. And during these nights, the radio really entertains me.

"As we collect your messages and requests, first composition tonight will be from the latest hit by NCT. As the night is still early, we think a lot of our listeners are still sticking their nose to books and papers. To energize you, we present you Highway to Heaven." Jaehyun's deep voice echoes.

I smiled; this song is currently my mood booster. Picking up my pen, I can return to read my textbook and try my best to study more; Though it is challenging for me to keep on reading, instead of singing on top of my lungs while dancing wildly. As much as I want to do those two badly, I know that my parents sent me here to the United States from the Country of Ginseng and Kimchi to learn something and be someone. Halfway through the song, I can't hold back my feelings and grab my phone.

I quickly text a private message to someone,

"Seriously.. I can't focus. Finals are around the corner. Mum will kill me if A is not present."

I Hit the send button and locked my phone. I must not get carried away into chatting. That will end my life.

After calming my excited nerves with water, the radio DJs return with different love confessions and questions.

Ranging from

"What should I do to get this girl's attention? I'm super shy while she's the total opposite." The two each suggested dating advices. Which I believe were not from their experiences. It's definitely a google answer.

"I just broke up with my boy friend, and I need more comfort songs. Can you two please fulfil my request. Thanks, and DJ Jaehyun you're the best." To which Doyoung replies jokingly "Noted. More love songs. DJ Doyoung is in charge of songs tonight. You pick the wrong guy."

"I can't sleep tonight. I need to finish 3 works by 7 a.m. tomorrow. Please tune up the bpm." Jaehyun's cheeky remarks was "I think coffee will help you better than us. Our program ended at 10.. anyways, we hope you for the best! Fighting!"

Those are messages coming into their homepage

"Now moving on to the tweets, I have.." Doyoung laughs a bit

"To @osaka_prince I really miss you, let's meet for Takoyaki this week. Call me asap. From @nct_is_life"

"You heard that @osaka_prince, someone misses you! And next we have.."

tHis time Jaehyun's soothing voice exits the stereo

"To @ice_yongie how are you doing? I heard you tune into this channel regularly. Wish you all the best for your finals. From @fire_jung"

"Right... to every students, please stay healthy, have enough sleep, and prepare for your finals." Jaehyun said and continue with two more mentions.

After that they play another hit song, this time as the atmosphere starts to go bittersweet. Their choice was Because of You by Taeil.

The sweet voice and words I understands, made a good company for me. I finish reading my books as the last beat of the song drops and Doyoung'strademark voice comes in.

"We have one more hour to accompanyyour night. Now for the news, we have one from the school's Baseball team, one from the hospital and another from the cafeteria. After the news we'll head on to the Call Me Maybe segment. Please wait for it."

Jaehyun reads the news about the upcoming grand Baseball match this Thursday, it's Trojans vs Eagles. Don't forget to come with all your Trojans attire and merchandises we all know how the season will end. Winning is our middle name.

The next news was only about reminding students to take care of their health during finals and a new boba stall will open this Monday. Discount 50% for first 100 cups.

No matter how cheap that will be, I know I can't skip class just to queue for a boba. Not if I want to have my ass bloody red.

The Call Me Baby segment comes after 2 other compositions and oddly I love this segment. Though it may be weird to some people, listening someone making a voice note on air to their special ones and getting no reply.. still there is something in my heart that likes hearing those.

Apparently a lot of calls were desperate. From 5 voice message, 2 are clearly in a phase of knowing someone and trying to win their heart, the other 3 are asking how someone has been.. clearly they broke up one misses the other one, but have no choice other than to use the radio to ask his or her condition. Ego always wins right?

I feel bad for those three who cannot directly ask how the people who used to be special to them is feeling right now. Lucky I'm not in that condition.

Then they take a break with several advertisements and music.

I leave my room to wash my face and clean my books. Well I am sleepy, but I am waiting for someone to return home.

The radio DJs are currently online with the twitter. Since it is impossible to read every tweet on air, they take time answering some lucky listener's tweets. I scroll my twitter and smiles a little when my tweet got replied.

"Have strength! You can do it~" – DJ Doyoung

I retweeted it and afterwards continue scrolling and reading a lot of replies and stories. Apparently there's much more than love and broken heart problems. Some are posting questions of which food to eat, some are just saying hi, several others requested songs; others even post thank-you letters for the two DJ who work hard to make their nights enjoyable and fun.

I glance at the clock. It is 30 minutes to their closing. Turns out two hours is not a long time. Hufht if only every two hours lectures can be this quick and enjoyable.

The last segment was the story sharing time. Basically everyone can submit their inspiring stories to the channel's email and then the team will choose which one is good to share. Tonight the speaker was none other the school's favorite baseball captain. Lee Taeyong... he shares his baseball career path. He shares his hard works, his passion, and what keeps him moving forward. His 10 minutes talk is inspiring. I wiped a tear that falls from my eye, his story is really touching.

Jaehyun and Doyoung also seem to honor the man talking on air right now. They salute his never ending passion and hard work. Taeyong gets to greet some of his fans and cheer them up. The segment ends after 15 minutes and Both DJ wraps his visit by telling all listeners to support Taeyong and his team on field this Thursday.

More tweets are read and replied directly on air, soothing songs for sleeping also fills the room.

"We did not realize time is running. It was fun listening to your feeling. The stars are starting to shine on the clear sky. You might want to take a peek out of your window for a moment.And as the night deepens,our segment must end after this." Doyoung shares his regret.

"Right, we are sad Paradise Night is over, but worry not for we will see you again this Friday. Please keep on tuning into One Two Seven Regular Radio. I am DJ Jaehyun"

"and I am DJ Doyoung"

"We present you the last composition, UN Village by Baekhyun. Sweet Dreams and Good night." The two host harmonize and the calm upbeat prelude from UN Village takes over their voice.

My phone lights up as the song almost reach its chorus.

"I'm done. Going home now.. wait for me!"

I typed a reply and turn the volume louder.

I know that, I know that, I know Yes we are now

Hannam-dong UN Village hill Looking up at the moon from the hill

I walk from my room to the small balcony. The radio song fluently escapes my opened room. Isomehow remembered that Jaehyun or Doyoung earlier said the sky is bright. Turns out I can see sea of stars tonight. It's relaxing and pretty.

The front door of my apartment opens and closes. I turn around and see someone returning home with a tired face but a smile is still there.

"Thank you for waiting me... the stars are dancing tonight and the moon is big!" His attention distracted by the picturesque sky in front of our eyes. He stands beside me, one hand over my waist to bring me close to his warm body.

You and me, umm yeah

UN Village hill, eh

Side by side we look at the moon

We sway to the rhythm and the song ends not long after it. It was a nice closing song!

"I should be the one to say thank you!" I turn my head to face him.

He looks puzzled but a hint of smugness can't escape his lips which form a smile.

"Me? Why?"

"Because you did a great job hosting Paradise Night! I don't feel lonely and I can study better. Thanks to you and Jaehyun." I hug him and bury my face on his chest.

Doyoung softens at my words and returns my hug "Anything for my girl! Now, let me shower from the sweat of walking home.. and maybe I need some ramen tonight. I'm always hungry after hosting the radio." He walks to his room and after collecting his clothes and towel, he enters the toilet.

I make my way to the kitchen. Taking a pot to boil water and choosing our favorite night snack. While he clean himself under the shower, I prepare the dish and the side dishes.

"Hmmm it smells amazing! Thanks for cooking it for me." Doyoung greets me with a fresh smell of mint shampoo and he takes the sit across of me.

"Saranghae~" he sincerely gives me a heart with his fingers and digs into the food.

After a stifled laugh, I also begin eating mine.

Once again a beautiful night spent with the best radio DJ, who is luckily mine. Doyoung... na do saranghae💛

[tuesdayx]

So I thought it would be fun to do a song-by-song breakdown of our latest album Essential.

Essential started as some rough demos designated for a side project in late 2019, which then became our largest album to date in terms of song selection. Many of the themes deal with learning to cope with the changing world thanks to Covid, with a perspective of someone who had to keep working at an "essential" job with no option of self-quarantine. I was happy to continue working and being able to pay my bills over the past year, but there was always elements of stress, fear, and tension lingering over myself and everyone else in my position.

So here we go; starting from the top let's look at the Songs of Tuesday X's 6th album Essential.

1. Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams: the title was a reference to the 9/11 conspiracy memes, which as stated in the opening lines, "has nothing to do with this song." Written in January of 2020 before Covid had made any significant impact in the US, the song touches on many themes which happened to occur throughout the year, such as [another] Californian forest fire (Australia too), new diseases (Covid), a riot (the BLM movement over the summer, which I will state everything that movement has been fighting for is 100% justified and the United States is in desperate need of Police reform, as does our political system which has remained inherently racist to this day.), Civil War (and exaggeration for sure, but the civil unrest and political division in our country will soon split us apart further), more corporate giants(companies like Amazon profited more from this Pandemic than ever before and have helped further the gap between the American working class and the top 1%). Favorite line: "I won't get philosophical, I only wanted your attention."

2. The Only Difference Between You and Me is a Sense of Apathy and Your Brand New Nikes: This song is a blithing criticism of the American political system. Our two party system has left Americans with a choice between "the lesser of two evils" and allows politicians with no true interest in our needs to rise to power. The use of 3rd parties as an alternative is a overly simple compromise that would only just begin to alleviate the problems created in our political system. Both of our main parties are considered conservative parties to the rest of the world, and any progressive measures that would benefit society and reduce the effects of climate change are considered radical and preposterous by politicians with financial stakes in our crooked system where corporatations hold control and the people are treated as fuel for an otherwise worthless currency. Favorite line: "Listen to the radio, they played my favorite song. Now I'm bored and wanting more."

3. Blame it on the Elves: the title is a reference to an episode of the Podcast "Lore" by Aaron Menke (i can't recall which episode, but you should check it out anyway because it's great listen.) An instrumental interlude inspired by ragtime music of the 1920-30's, with an edge of course.

4. Class of Dropouts: This song was written when I was 16 during my sophomore year of high school and was originally featured on my now unavailable album "trees" before adopting the Tuesday X monicker. I brought it back 6 years later because I loved how raw and punk it was. The lyrics are dorky but I decided to leave them as is, it's a cool track for high school stoners to blare and let out their teen angst. Favorite line: "Walking in on my friends fucking."

5. Polaroids on My Bulletin Board: This is a song about growing up. As a 22 year old (now 23) who decided not to go to college straight out of high school, I felt isolated from my peers in a way. By going into the workfield right away I sometimes feel like I skipped a few years and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I regret not leaving my hometown sooner than I did and chasing my dreams of being a touring musician in a band. More often than not I reminisce of my youth playing shows and getting into trouble, as I now feel old and out of place in a scene I grew up in. Favorite line: "I know what it's like to be alive, I know what it's like to live a lie."

6. Labradoodle Underpass: Going back on the theme of growing up, this is about my recent experience with shows as an adult. When I was a teenager I felt ambitious and ready for anything, and I would drop literally everything to go to the nearest show. As an adult I feel introverted and constantly anxious about the world around me. I've missed out on a lot of great shows due to my own self doubt's and anxiety. Now that shows have been canceled for over a year I feel even more regret by not appreciating them more while I could. Favorite line: "23 years and a lingering fear that anything could happen, why am I here?"

7. Some Shit: This was me trying to be modest mouse lol jangly guitars and half talking/half singing vocals describing the world around me. I guess in a way it was an exercise in writing character description and setting, but otherwise it's just a chill track that almost feels aimless at parts. Favorite Line: "it's just some shit I learned from a friend. Just some shit I learned when I was trying to prepare."

8: Woe is the World: On the album this is a chorus snippet that barely a minute long (the full version is available as a bonus track on bandcamp, and it was actually a demo that turned out better than the final version.) I originally wrote this song when I was 15 with a different set of lyrics, but I came back to it while writing this album and re-wrote it to reflect my mental state and the world around me. Overall, just another melancholy track in a sea of melancholy songs. Favorite line: "you've never felt more alone than you do now, was everything worth it in the end?"

9. Then Why Was it Named Gideon?: the title is a reference to a line in Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour (my favorite series) and like the first track on this album doesn't have much to do with the song. "Gideon" is a simple love song, talking again about how growing up sucks but having the right person by your side can make all the shitty times worth it in the end. Favorite line: "it's time to move on, you're taking too long."

10. I am Here, I'm Looking at Her, and She is Beautiful: This song is entirely about the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower". That's it. Nothing else, let's move on. Favorite line: "Over Christmas I read them a poem about a brown paper bag and the boy who wrote it."

11. Try to Be a Filter, Not a Sponge: Like the previous song, this one is also mostly about "Perks of Being a Wallflower", but with elements of my own experience with toxic relationships. I like to think of it as the character Charlie's experience with Mary Elizabeth overall though. Favorite line: "She called my favorite book washed out trash, said I have no taste and I'm still too sad."

12. Lavender Spray Bottle: This instrumental dates back to 2017. I recorded the guitar part as a demo on my phone and forgot about it. Over time I forgot how to play the guitar part, so I used the demo as a basis and layered everything else on top of it. The title is a reference to a bottle of water with lavender essential oils mixed in that my ex used to fend away spiders in the house we lived in at the time.

13. Hindsight is 2020: I will admit, this is my favorite song on the whole album and was actually the last to be written and recorded. With a simple guitar part and layers of vocals, this song is a direct reflection of life during the peak of the pandemic. With curfews in place and rising case counts, I had to learn to cope with life at home during my late nights away from work. My partner was quarantined during this time and I reflected on the mental strain this put on her. Favorite line: "Don't go to work, you need the money but you're not happy when you're there. Sometimes life is so unfair."

14. I Don't Know How to Deal With Serious Emotions Without Turning Them into a Fucking Joke: the title came from a meme I found on my phone from high school. The song itself was about my own inability to handle serious emotions without coming off as sarcastic. In both the music and lyrics, the song starts as a simple confession before exploding into raw chaos. Favorite line: "it's so hard. I'm so scared, what have I become?"

15. Say Hello to My Little Friend: the last instrumental on this album. A short haunting tune that reflects the final two tracks. The title is probably a reference to Rambo or something, but I never watched it and I thought it fit the feeling of this song.

16. Minneapolis: What became one of the most emotional tracks on this song actually began as a joke. My partner was snap chatting a friend one night and they asked me to write them a song on the spot. So I improvised the first two verses and chorus of this song, referencing her going to school there at the time. I found I actually liked what I had written however, so I refined the track and changed it from a sassy country song into a melancholic lament of my experience in the twin cities and southern Minnesota. Favorite line: "I miss Camp Snoopy, and Paul Bunyon's log flume ride that went around the whole damn mall."

17. Before the Sunrise: the final song on the album is an intimate look at my relationship with my partner. Through past experiences i have become riddled with self doubt and always looking at improving myself as a person. With hopes that one day I'll be the person I'd like to be for mine and their sake, it's an optimistic tribute to my best friend. Favorite line: "the cycle ends until the sun rises again, you're my best friend."

Thank you all so much! Check out Essential and our other music on Bandcamp, Spotify, Apple, and other places! I hope you all enjoyed this personal look at these songs that got me through the worst parts of 2020.

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[parva-noctua]

30 Questions Tag

tagged by @anotherobsessedfangirl thx sweetie!

name/nickname: Since my first name's been on my blog for a while anyway, I might as well tell it: Alina. But most people here still know me as "parva (noctua)". This also brings me to my nickname, because "parva noctua" is Latin and means "the little owl". My favorite grandpa used to call me "owl" when I was little. That's one of my strongest memories of him. And my best friend still calls me "Kleines" sometimes. Best translation to English is "peewee", I guess, though "Kleines" isn't meant to be negative) How you call me is up to you. For me, every name's okay.

star sign: Taurus

height: 5'6" / 168 cm

birthday: May 15th

favorite bands: among many others Silbermond, Sunrise Ave, Radio Company, Queen, Måneskin (just to continue the new tradition :p)

time: started 2:40 pm. finished (with lot of breaks) 9:23 pm

favorite solo artists: That's even more difficult to answer^^", but definitely a lot of Hip Hop and Rap is involved (there is good stuff!) One of them is Curse, I still listen to a lot of his tracks. Maybe he is my all time favorite, even though I still love Everlast and Fiva a lot, too.🤔

song stuck in your head: Wanna be your slave by Måneskin (Well... xd)

last movie you watched: "Catching Fire"

Dream Trip: Road Trip to travel all across Germany and maybe some neighboring countries. But for this, I need to lose my fear about driving^^"

Last Show: "Grimm" on DVD

When I Created This Blog: This one must be three years old right now. There was another, I created... 7 or 6 years ago, when a friend showed Tumblr to me.

What I Post: Changes from time to time, a lot stuff's deleted, because I felt bad about Tumblr at the time and even considered to leave for good. But here we are today, still here, still posting "this or that." and weird rantings.

Last thing I googled: Bed frames, industrial style (comparing prices, looks and feautures) Due to some changes at home, my mom and I started painting and renovating some rooms.

Other Blogs: None

Do I get asks? Some of friends, but not many. But I love every ask and try to answer all of them. So if you wanna know something, just send me an ask (even if you didn't send one before 😊) It would make me very happy to interact more with all of you!

Why I Chose My URL: just go back to first question ;)

Following: 31 (fandoms, friends and art mostly)

Followers: Tumblr says 431 (varies from week to week) I guess, most of them are bots, because there are a lot of... x-rated pages in my notifications now and again. And most of my posts get 5-20 notes. Three years ago, there were a lot more - especially during the #ringsy or #toris "era" xd Sometimes I miss "good ol' times", but things change and what remains are some funny, some weird, some sad, some freaky and a lot of happy memories.

Average Hours Of Sleep: 5-6 during the past few months (rarely restful and refreshing) In the daytime, I felt sleepy and dumb - it's slowly getting better now. Lately I get up to 7 hours of (better) sleep.

Lucky Number: 5 due to my birth month and 9 (love the shape)

Instruments: This user is absolutely not musical, but loves to warble her favorite songs. I remember one day in improv theater (behind the mixing console): One of the younger groups performed to music and I was quietly humming/singing along to the song. The guy next to me (an intern, too) just said: "Just stop it already!" Me: "What's the matter? I know, I can't sing. I'm just one of those singing-in-the-shower people. It's just for fun." Him: "So what. You can't sing, so don't."

So if you're one of those crooked-voiced people like I am - shut the fuck up. Just kidding! Screw party poopers like.... let's call him Carl.

What Am I Wearing: Right now some blue long sleeve shirt and jeans. In general: mostly casual, spiced up with a lot of hoodies xd

Dream Job: I did a BA in Social work, focusing on Drama in Education/theatrical pedagogy . Loved improv theatre, but never had the guts to pick up where I left off^^"

Favorite Food: Nearly all kinds of soup, cheese and mixed up leftovers, tbh. There's nothing better than that.

Tea or Coffee: Tea lover, but addicted to morning coffee

Nationality: German.

Favorite Song: All time fav: "100 Jahre (years)" by Curse. Current: "City Grown Wollow" by Radio Company

Last Book I Read: 1. finished re-read: "Supernatural - Heart of the Dragon" and 2. nearly finished: "The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes".

Top 3 Fictional Universes I Would Like To Live In:

1. "Grimm", actually. I like the idea of Grimm's (and other's) Fairy Stories being real in this kind of way. Wesen, creatures (apparently human) only visible for Grimms. Sure it's a potentially dangerous world to live in, but it's also truly fascinating and full of surprises. I mean, a vegetarian Blutbad (Bad Wolf) doing Pilates for a peaceful "let's not let this get out of hand, I just had the carpet cleaned" lifestyle. And I also like the idea, that there's more in the world than meets the eye.

2. An "The Three Investigators AU" with bit less of stereotypes, though. The german radio plays of "Die Drei ???" is kind of a cult for so many generations since 1979. For 42 years now there are the same three voice actors for Justus/Jupiter, Pete and Bob - and I guess, that's part of its success. Adults, teens and kids grew up and grew old with them, learning about friendship, courage and not giving up. Three friends, a salvage yard and cherry pie. Actually it's sort of a time capsule: Forever 18, forever holidays full of adventures: Solving riddles, having fun, catching "the bad ones". There's always a solution, always a story with kind of a happy ending. It's a safe space, a short peaceful time-out for me and so many others out there.

3. "Harry Potter Universe" because of similar reasons as in No. 1 (just don’t let talk about JKR here).

tagging everyone, who wants to 😊

[1zashreena1]

I Am Having a Sad -9

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess has a bad and lonely self-esteem day. Diego goes too far too fast from 2500 miles away and she calls her safeword for the first time in her life. 

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

FEELS. the L word, SAFEWORD, depression/anxiety, self-esteem issues, sensory processing issues, sel-expression difficulties, plus size woman+fit man, soft!Diego,  overwhelmed Princess, is a relationship happening?? apparently. Leftover high school Spanish.

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic​​​​ @symbiont13​​​​ @nicke0115​​​​ @bunnykjm​​​​ @rosee-sensuelle​​​​ @girlpornparadise​​​​ @mandoplease​​​​ @heresathreebee​​​​ @xxsteph-enrixx​​​​ @jetiikad​​​​ @joalsglasses​​​​ @mutantcookiesecrets​​​​ @demoncatstone​​​​ @squidlywiddly87​​​​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog​​​ @poeedamerons​​

I am having a sad. This is normal and okay. I just have to wait it out. I do not need to text him. This pep talk would be more effective if you would stop staring longingly at the last selfie he sent you.

It isn't working. All you want right now is to be smothered in Diego but he is in a different time zone. And you don't want to be clingy. And demanding. And needy.

Surely making yesterday's selfie your new lock screen will help, right? 

With a big sigh you flop backwards into your bed. You eye your phone like it's a live grenade. It hasn't even been eight hours since the last text and. And you have this… pain? In your chest? What if I'm annoying him?

He has to be super busy, I should just wait. What time even is it in LA right now?

You snatch up the phone and check. 7:46 pm PDT. You wonder what he ate today. Did he have dinner yet? What shirt is he wearing? Does he have a headache? He always says he has a headache when he gets back to New York. And then you rub his head, stroke through his soft hair, stretch out his solid neck, break up all the adhesions in those broad shoulders.

Bitch, this is not helping. What do you hate about him?

Oh yeah, that list is blank.

You open up the text conversation and stare at the blinking cursor. Just one text can't hurt, right?

You look at the selfie again. He's in bed, deep plum sheet tucked up under his chin, all sleepy chocolate eyes and a soft little smile. His face is relaxed, leaning against his left hand. His beard is ruffled on one side, flattened on the other from where he must have slept on it. You can feel tears welling up again. 

How the fuck is he so gorgeous? Why is someone who looks like that sending me selfies? I have no right to this. I don't deserve this. 

You reach out and trace one finger down his cheek. His right dimple is visible under the stubble. Minimizing the picture, you go back to the cursor. The screen is blurry until you blink and one tear slips out. 

You type out one hasty 'hey' and hit send before you can quadruple guess yourself. This is stupid. He's too busy for your little drama queen hissy fit meltdown.

Sorry, should've asked if you're busy first 

Send.

Enough time passes that you flip the phone screen-down and plop it on your heaving chest. You bring both hands to your face and press into your closed eyelids. Just as you reach back down with a huge sigh the phone vibrates.

Princessssss. You know I'm never busy to you

You choke out a sob-laugh and try to breathe normally. Okay, now a decision. Idle chatter or metric fuckton of feels? While you waffle about it, Diego initiates a videocall. Oh, hell no. You jab 'Decline' so hard it bends your nail back.

What is wrong? Why can't I see you?

I just look like shit rn. Please don't 

That has never been true. Mi princesa bonita

Always quick with the compliments. You sniffle.

I just. I guess I just miss you. Tonight

Perfect, you hit send before could have deleted it. Great job. Wonderful. Brilliant. 

Is everything ok? This does not sound like sexytimes

Oh, Diego. 

Yeah, I'm fine. Mostly. I mean nothing is wrong, its just me

Just me having feels

… should you have sent that? Probably not. Do you regret it? Yes, instantly. In fact, if preemptive regret were possible you would already have drowned in it.

The phone is quiet for a minute. Good job dumbass, now he IS annoyed.

What kind? Sad feels? Headache feels? Work is stupid and frustrating feels? Huffy feels that require cheese? You have many feels. At all times. It sounds exhausting 

Yep. I'm annoying and clingy. You chastise yourself rather effectively.

You're right. Sorry. I got this

Does that sound bitchy? Is it bitchy? Oh my god, I need an off button.

Nonono. I asked. You have to answer. Its a rule

Your laugh is sharp. 

Since when do you care about rules lol

When they're your rules. We agreed to answer direct questions honestly, yes?

Well fuck. He got you there. You had agreed to that. When you two sat down in your living room after the Emotional Spanking*™ and had a 'groundframe setup' discussion. Sometimes you were fairly certain he mangled phrases just to watch your eye twitch violently. Little shit. 

OK fine. I'm feeling shitty about myself.  Happy??

Now that is bitchy. 

FORBIDDEN

And no, that does not please Diego

And is that why I exist? To please you??? 

Before you can stop it, your temper flares.

No Princess. The other way. Let me please you

Oh no. Oh shit. What. Is. Happening?? You are royally fucked now. This entire conversation has gone so completely off the rails that you can't even define a 'train'. Those little bouncing dots have not stopped yet.

Should I tell you how I miss you? How these stupid meetings and these stupid people and my stupid sister bore me when I would rather be listening to you read a dictionary? Or sing every word to every song ever played on the radio? Or explain the differences between cat breeds?

Or maybe I could say how ridiculously empty this bed is with only me in it. How there are no tiny socks hidden under the comforter. Not a single lip balm in sight.

Perhaps you need a list of everything I would touch. The soft lips. A little bitty hand. That tiny ribcage. Those thick thighs. With my beard, ofc. Your forehead with mine?

Oh. Ohh. Oh no. This is not fair. This is an attack. How did he just break me like this? Your face is flushed and you are crying outright now. You have to stop this right now.

Stop.stop please. Diego no

Diego yessss 

You can't take anymore. This isn't funny. You can't even form words. When autocorrect suggests the picture of a pineapple you stab it and then hit send in rapid succession.

Pinnaea🍍🍍

………………………...

Your phone emits one aborted ring then it cuts off.

Can I call? Please

You're trying to figure out a way to calm yourself, to stifle the heaving gasps and whiny sobs. You're nodding. Not useful, idiot, you scold yourself.

No video. Just talk. Please Princess

You can't say no to that when he is trying so hard. 

Ok yeah 

You barely see the message load on the screen when the ringing starts up again. Smacking the green button entirely too hard, you hold your breath to stop the pitiful sounds.

"Princess?" His voice is cautious, tone soft.

"I'm h-here." Is all you can manage. Any more and you'll burst into sobs again.

"Are you in bed?" Keeping it short and precise. Yes or no answers. Nothing too demanding. 

"Yeah. S-s-sitting." He is being so sweet. How is someone like Diego so sweet to you. Something rustles in the background. 

"What was it? A specific word? Or just too much?" His voice is hushed, like he might be in a small room…

"Are… are you in a c-c-closet?" Is he really…? You hold your breath.

"Si. Your closet is too small. I was going to send you a picture." He answers.

You absolutely cannot deal with this man. 

"Baby, I--" Your stupid soprano voice gives away how emotional you really are. He was going to send you a picture of a closet big enough for you to hide. Probably a panoramic shot so you could fully visualize it. Your chest compresses and you gasp.

"Princess? Talk. Make a noise. Something!" He sounds panicked. You suddenly remember he can't read your face this way. He can't see your pleased smile.

"That's. That's just. Diego, I love you so much." Its out before you can stop it. Even though you know he can't see it, you still hide your face.

"Love." He breathes softly into the phone. "Tell Diego what you need, my good little girl." His voice is quiet, controlled. He is letting you lead him where you want him. Everywhere. Forever.

You feel safe enough to actually confess, "I just have a, a really hard time believing… all of. That." You wave your hand in the air vaguely. "Not that you're lying!" You rush to clarify. "Just that anyone could actually like, well seems to, at least, everything…?"

"Did that make any sense?" You chew your lip anxiously.

His soft chuckle makes your stomach flip. "Well, it was technically English." Your snort sends him into quiet giggles.

"I like hearing you laugh." You whisper. He goes silent. You tense up.

"Perfect little princess. No one has ever told me that before. Most people are frightened of my laugh." He seems a little bewildered by his own words. Like he didn't mean for that to come out but now he definitely wants to hear the reaction.

You cover your smile, then pick up the phone so you can lie down. "Apparently I'm not most people." You feel around blindly until you locate TMP (Tiny Murder Panther) and tuck the stuffed animal under your chin for cuddles. "I like your voice, too. Like when you talk to me. Sometimes its just the words. Or rather my ingesting of them of that trips me up." Your quiet sniffle is hidden in silky black fur.

"The words are the problem? Do I need a, a…. The book with words that all mean the same thing." He bites out.

Sometimes you forget that English is his second language. Then things like this happen. And its fucking adorable.

"Thesaurus. Synonyms, baby." Your smile is audible.

"I know!" He huffs in mock indignation.

"I know you know. That's cute, though."

"So are your little 'aqui's and 'si's and 'ahora's."

"Fine! Gawd!" 

You both dissolve into laughter. It fades into easy silence while you rub your cheek over faux fur. 

He sighs gently into the phone. "Was it the forehead touching?" His voice trembles a bit, like he is unsure that he should have asked. As though afraid. A little overwhelmed, just like you.

"Um. Yes. Actually. That was. Yeah, that did it." You blink back tears. "We have a thing. We're a 'we'."

"That is what you want, yes?" Diego sounds cautious. As if he might accidentally utter an irreversible spell or something. Then, a quiet whisper, "It's what I want."

You suck in a deep breath and decide to just force it out. Just take what you desire. Jump already.

"I want you. I don't think a typical, um, relationship would work. But, people can define themselves. Relationships should operate the same way."

That… that actually sounded decisive and authoritative. Wow. You're really that bitch tonight, huh? You are very pleased with yourself. You can hear something sliding against the phone but can't identify the sound.

"There she is." The wide smile in his voice stabs directly into your heart. It was his beard rubbing the phone when he smiled. You laugh with his approval, pleasure burning through your veins.

"Maybe I can write some stuff down. For discussion purposes. Maybe you can write some stuff down for me. Reading it makes it seem more real to me."

"If that is your royal decree, Princess." He shuffles around, you can hear clothing rustling.

"Do you really like finding my orphan socks?" Your voice is sly, like a kid springing a trap question. He likes that smirky tone and you know it.

"They are cute. Just like the tiny feet. You are so very little, Princess." Oh, but he knows exactly how to flip the trap back onto you. The sound of muffled tapping comes through the line. "Tiny feet. Added to the list." His voice echoes the smallest bit, he must have you on speaker so he can access the note app. "Next item: fat ass."

You explode into guffaws. "Damnit Diego!" Your wheezing almost drowns out his husky laughter. 

"Wait! I almost forgot! Fan-tasss-tic. Rrrrack." He sounds out the words as he types them. You lose vocal control again, giggling like a child. Logically you know these juvenile jokes shouldn't be this amusing, but clearly you both have the same maturity level.

"Baby, you are my favorite pervert." Your declaration is met with haughtiness. 

"I had better be your only pervert, Princess." The possessive tone straightens your spine with shock. "You are mine!" He growls fiercely. 

Everything is quiet for a very long minute. You seem to have consumed every butterfly, hot sauce, and poprocks-and-cola mixture on the planet when you weren't paying attention. 

You think about all the gifts. Designer purses, specially tailored clothing, the six pairs of redbottoms you now own, how the last ring he gave you still twinkles up at you from your right hand (he took great pleasure in ensuring it fit your middle finger so you can still be pretty while you flip him off).

You remember all the places he has taken you. The Michelin starred restaurants, that hole-in-the-wall Mexican place where they know him by first name is your favorite, the stupid stores he wanders through with you, the cheesy tourist traps where he always gets you a hideously clichéd souvenir. 

Your memory flashes through a slide show of his laughter. Gleeful giggles at your horrified reaction to the neon orange lipstick he presented in Sephora. His wheezing delight when you gagged on the seaweed appetizer he shoveled into your mouth before you could object. The gentle, knowing chuckle when you pulled TMP out of your bag to take a nap two weekends ago.

You realize he is entirely correct.

"Yes I am, Diego." Is your quiet confirmation. 

"Bicki. I." He seems startled. You stay silent and let him gather his thoughts. The swallow is audible before he continues hesitantly, "I will see you this weekend, mi amor?"

All the ways this man says 'I love you' are so many more than just the actual words. Your pleased smile stretches your cheeks so far it hurts.

"Yes please!" Your shameless request ends in a yawn. "Sorry." 

"You need to sleep for work, Princess. I have one last meeting here then I will be there tomorrow." 

You wish he was here now but keep that to yourself. 

"OK, let me know when you're here." 

I am so not wearing panties under that new maxidress for the flight up and demanding that he pick me up personally. Yes. A perfect plan. You amuse even yourself with your scheming.

"Be careful tonight, Diego. I want you to come home to me." The thought of anything happening to him crushes your throat.

"I, I want that, too. Love you." All comes tumbling out of him in a rushed confession of quiet hopefulness. It makes you so happy that tears well up again. Fucking stop this, woman.

"Love you. Bye, baby." You whisper warmly, hoping he can feel even an ounce of how deliriously happy he makes you.

"Goodnight, Princess." The reply is sighed, full of self-conscious relief and pleasure. His rough voice is so calm and soothing that you nod off before the line disconnects, face tucked into his miniature proxy.

…………………………...

Incoming text

Friday 12:09am

From: Murder Panther

🥰💋💟💯🔜

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter XXXI: Treant

There wasn’t much interesting about me. Not really. That wasn’t me being self-deprecating or anything. If anything, I quite liked being in the background. Others around me have always been more interesting, and I was happy enough just to help those others out.

That’s why I worked from childhood through my adulthood in order to become a doctor. It wasn’t like a total dream of mine, and I wasn’t sure if I’d call myself “passionate” (one of my top qualities, I think, is that I’ve been called a dispassionate person. But I shouldn’t humblebrag), but when I was in grade school and saw one of my classmates get injured, I couldn’t help but be compelled to want to help them. Then there were times, like when my sister or my mom would get sick and I’d be like “gee, I wonder what would help them get better.”

Skip past many years of boring details, and the rest is history. Got my own apartment after completing my internship at one of the nearby hospitals. When my sister helped me move in, we found a time travel device in the closet that I mistook for a Nintendo 64. It’s not as interesting of a detail as it seems. Anyway, that aside, there was still work to be had just about every day.

Skip ahead a few more years after that…

...And there was still work to be had.

It was about that time in the morning when it wasn’t yet bright and early and the coffee I poured tasted like sludge. When the showers were scalding and suffocating fumes filled the bathroom, yet when I turned off the shower, I shivered like a nudist at the north pole.

Towel was too small. Quick shimmy and I groaned and threw it in the laundry basket. No one else was around to see me naked, so whatever. Even if there was, my bedroom door was closed. On the bed were my work clothes, which in my groggy state, I tried to fit the shirt on my legs and the pants on my head. After a few tries and tired moans and groans, I got it right. Still, my tie was a little loose.

I’ll fix it on my way there. Or I won’t and I’ll just say I’m setting a new fashion trend.

I glanced down at my limited edition Kamen Rider Black wristwatch and my blood pressure spiked upon noticing the time.

“Fuck,” I cursed, though in my hoarse tiredness, it sounded more like a donkey braying.

Yes, it was ‘fucktime’, that universal concept of that time of day where one looks at the time and exclaims “fuck!” There were many reasons for cursing at a time of day, and it didn’t have to be any time in particular, but the most common reason was due to the situation I was in: I was running late for work.

In a state of fight or flight (which I am always in flight since I could use the exercise), I put a couple of bagel slices into the toaster, wished that my toaster had a turbo speed button, and paced about until those two slices popped up; they weren’t crispy enough, but they’d have to do. Like the skilled painter that I wasn’t, I swiped across the two halves of the bagel with a messy gloop of cream cheese.

No more time left.

I ran out the door, or whatever constituted as a run in my mind, with the bagel halves held tight in my mouth.

This ridiculous display persisted for about...oh, to hell with it, let’s just skip all the embarrassment. Fast forward to when I got to the hospital, drenched in sweat and cream cheese on the cuff of my shirt.

“Ran late again?” The receptionist, I think her name was Wormwood, looked up from her computer. Her thick brown hair was in a bun and she didn’t just have bags under her eyes, but bags under those bags. That’s okay, I’ve had those days as well. From the reflection of her glasses, it looked like she was playing an intense game of Tetris.

“A doctor is never early nor late,” I huffed, trying to sound more self-assured than my short breath would allow.

“Yeah, you wish. Go change your shirt. You’ve got a patient waiting for you in room 413,” she clucked. Was clucked the right descriptor? Well, it was a vague chicken-like tone, so cluck was good enough.

“Why’s it always patients with me?” I joked. She didn’t so much as give a half-hearted chuckle. She could have at least said, “A for effort,” but I guess everyone was a critic. I hurried over to the hospital’s resident dry cleaner, who always had a spare pair of uniforms, scrubs, nice shirts, you name it. Our dry cleaner guy was a typical average dude with stringy red hair, named Marion or something. He always had that strung out look about him that gave the impression that he was pretty trustworthy. I showed him the cream cheese on my shirt and he made an OK sign with both hands, closed his eyes, and shook his head.

“Say no more,” he assured me in the most endearing bored-out-of-your-mind voice imaginable.

As I waited for him to grab me a spare shirt, I looked up and saw a couple of green scrubs hanging around.

“I can’t do this on my own. I’m no superman,” I hummed the tune. Marion (that might not have been his name, but it was pretty damn close to what I imagine his name was) turned and asked, “what?”

“You know, Scrubs? It’s a reference.”

“Oh, man, I don’t know the first thing about references,” he bemoaned in both a disinterested tone and a disoriented one.

Man, nobody appreciates a good reference these days.

After I received my change of shirt, I went into the nearest bathroom and speedran the Trent Dress Up game. Not to brag, but I might have set a new record that day. Okay. Moving on.

Up four flights of stairs I lumbered up, each foot dragged behind the other. Yes, I could have used the elevator, but then that wouldn’t have been very doctor-like of me, would it? I mean, plenty of doctors took the elevator, and there was nothing wrong with that, but I always tried to do healthy things. It didn’t really matter much, I mean, I was already healthy, I was just a little chubby, was all. So what? I was a big ol’ teddy bear in a lab coat. At least I rocked the look.

Twelve rooms down. Then the thirteenth: that was where I heard the assistant.

“Dr. Bark will see you now,” the assistant informed the patient. After she left, which I didn’t really get a good look at, but I’ve probably worked with her before, I opened the door and greeted the patient.

“Woof, woof!” I made my best dog voice, which probably sounded closer to a howler monkey than a dog.

My patient just looked at me, not amused in the slightest. He was an elderly man who looked like a bad caricature of an elderly man. Not one of the kind ones, either. No, more like the grumpy kind who would yell at you if you so much as lived in the general vicinity of the same neighborhood he lived in. Then again, I knew looks could be deceiving and if anything, his face was probably contorted in pain.

“Okay, so I’m not that clown doctor, but if you honk my nose, I will still make a sound,” I gave a nervous laugh as I said. He just continued to stare at me.

It turned out that he had a small seizure just as I entered the room. Lovely timing, really.

Before I could take a break and have some lunch, there were a few more fun moments, gross moments, sad moments, silly moments, the whole gamut. Really, I loved my job because there were many opportunities to treat others and get them to better health. But also I hated my job because it was a job and I hated being the bearer of big bills due to the malicious concept of private insurance.

My sister-in-law was always going on about how I should be more ambitious. How I could try to start my own clinic and treat people for free, out of the kindness of my heart. Which I loved, that really was a dream if I ever had one. But there was the matter of means. Equipment costs money, I’d need more space, I’d have to get all those good prescription drugs that all the cool cats liked. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it, legally.

But hey, if it were possible, I’d do it. For sure. Maybe.

Once I made it to the hospital’s cafeteria, I grabbed a lobster salad with a garlic roll and a pink lady apple for an extra layer of irony. It was ironic because no matter how many times I ate one of those, I could never keep myself away from the hospital. Shame, too. The busier I was, the less time I had to play Monster Hunter.

Anyway, as I looked for a place to sit, I hummed a tune I heard over the radio.

“Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro. Fernando,” I hummed. Or rather, mumbled. Because I knew for a fact that I said those words out loud, whether or not I should have saved myself the embarrassment.

“Yes?” Crooned the seductive and husky toned voice of a man I didn’t recognize. I looked around, then noticed that the owner of such a voice was seated all by his lonesome at a table in the middle of the cafeteria.

Oh good, finally a table that’s not crowded.

I made the no-brainer decision to sit across from him at the table. His head sported a vast field of curly black hair as well as the stubble-laden remnants of a rugged black mustache. He reminded me of the guy from that Just Cause series of games, though not sure why, as I’ve never played them, though I had to admit, grappling hooks were pretty cool.

“Did you say something?” I stared into his inviting rosemary colored eyes. Mostly because I felt it rude if I didn’t. Imagine if someone did that to me, just looked away when they spoke to me. Actually, that’s probably happened many times.

“You said my name,” he replied, more plain this time, without as much of a soothing effect, but no less friendly.

“Oh? Alejandro?” I blinked, unaware that I had said anyone’s name.

“No, Fernando, but you may call me Fern. Everyone does,” he smiled as he told me, a smile as soothing as his voice could be.

“Well, I certainly wanna do what everyone else is doing,” I chuckled. “I’m Trent, by the way.”

He gave a slow nod.

“What a beautiful name. Do you know who does the song that you were singing?”

Oh god, if ever there was a time to be embarrassed.

“I just heard the song on the radio! I don’t know anything about it, I just thought it was kinda catchy.”

“I’ll give you a hint: it starts with ‘Lady’.”

Fuck. I was bad at guessing games.

“Lady and the Tramp?”

“No.”

“Lady Marmaduke?”

“No. You have three more guesses.”

Wait. He never said I had a limit of five. Now I was really feeling the pressure.

“Lady Groudon?”

“Close.”

Oh! Now I knew what it was!

“Lady Goomy!”

“...No, not quite. But really close.”

Damn. I only had one guess left, too. The heat was really on now.

“Lady Gloop?”

He bit his lip trying to hold back laughter, but couldn’t, and it all came flooding out.

“Um, did I win?” I wasn’t sure what to make of that laughter, but I had to know. I just HAD to know.

After he settled down, he shook his head and with an aching calm assured me:

“It’s not important.”

“Well, what is important, then?” I grimaced, the answer not given to me.

“The lives of our patients are what’s important.”

Yeah, that seemed a little obvious, though, considering our professions and all. Actually, I wasn’t quite sure whether he was a doctor or not. I didn’t recall ever working with him.

“What do you do here, by the way?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“I’m a nurse, mi amor.”

Once he said that, everything clicked into place.

“No wonder you’ve got that gentle voice,” I observed.

“I don’t have to be gentle if you don’t want me to be.”

“No, no,” I shook my head. “For the sake of the patients, I think you ought to be.”

We went back and forth after that, chatting about this and that, though nothing really important. Really, it was nice, I didn’t usually chat with anyone. Afterward, however, it was back to the grind. Oh joy.

Once said day one was done, I flopped on home and collapsed on my sofa. Next to me was a controller, and I had bought my copy of Final Fantasy XVI the other day, but haven’t had a chance to play it.

“My body...too feeble…” I wheezed out the words as my hands shook trying to reach for the controller. Just as it seemed like the controller was within my grasp, my phone rang.

When there was something in closer proximity than the item that I really wanted, the natural urge was to reach for the one in closer proximity instead.

“Hey Trent. It’s me,” came the sudden and to the point tone of my sister-in-law: Vesuvius.

“Oh, hey. What’s up?” I snapped to my senses and sat right up. “Is everything okay? Nothing too serious, I hope.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’ve got a nice little apartment with my beautiful wife. I just haven’t spoken to you in a while and wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Oh, what a relief. I was worried you were having another mental health episode.”

“Hey! I don’t go around pointing out the time you had food poisoning, do I?” She scolded. Yeah, okay. That was fair.

She didn’t have many mental health episodes, but ever since that incident with her and Juniper’s stalkers, she had been more sensitive and more on edge. That said, I really was happy for her and that she was at peace.

“You’re right. God, that was a rough time. Who knew blueberries could be so poisonous?”

“All things in nature can,” she stated. Gee, if anyone knew that, it would’ve been her.

“How are all things with settling into the apartment?” I asked. She hadn’t been there long, but it was a bold step for her, considering her social anxiety, which she tried to act like she didn’t have.

“You know, it’s an adjustment. It gets lonely when Juniper isn’t home. I’m not used to her having anything resembling a job. I hate to sound possessive, but I don’t like that she has one. I wish we didn’t have to make money to live.”

“Be as possessive as you want,” I chuckled. “Er...within reason. Say, have you saved up for anything?”

“No. Why?”

“Well, you always go on about wanting to do that whole ‘cottagecore’ lifestyle thing. So maybe you could save for that and go for it?”

She drew a deep breath, as if she were about to blow a gust of wind out of every orifice.

“First off, I don’t know what a ‘cottagecore’ is, but I’m cautious around anything with the suffix of -core. You know I’m a delicate flower.”

“And a poisonous one,” I pointed out.

“Yes, well, poisonous flowers can be delicate. And hey! Be nice to me!”

I coughed up a chuckle.

“Okay, well, second off,” she continued. “What I want is to live off the land, in a field of flowers. Growing my own field. Having peace and quiet in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah, that’s cottagecore.”

“Don’t say words I don’t understand to me!” She scolded. “It’s really demeaning.”

“Okay, okay,” I tried to settle down with the teasing. “But for real, it’s not like it’s impossible. Juniper could build a house, she likes making things.” Then again, she probably wouldn’t build a house very well, but I’m sure she’d enjoy the attempt. “It may take a bit of money for the resources, but it’s not like it’s impossible.”

“Yeah, well, first thing’s first is I want to see a therapist. Like, an actual therapist.”

“Oh, that could be good for you.”

“Yeah…” Her voice trailed, and the tone of her voice shifted to a more mournful one. “I still remember how I was during that time. I have trouble believing that it’s really over. All of that pain lingers with me. It’s not something I wish to remember, but it’s something I’m unable to forget.”

“Don’t beat yourself up too bad,” I tried to reassure her. I assumed she was referring to the whole stalker incident that occurred at the same time she dealt with her mental health episode. “Everyone has a breaking point. There’s nothing to be ashamed of there.”

“No, but there is. I was confused. Desperate. I hurt the most important person in my life. I hurt someone else that I could have helped. That I could have saved. If I had just known how. If my mind was more clear back then,” her voice shifted into a growl. “I hate it. I hate inflicting pain. Especially because it’s not who I want to be. No who I am anymore,” her voice then grew sharper. Harsher. “Yet I can’t help but feel like it’s still with me, buried somewhere, and I just want to punch a wall, rip my hair out, something! Something to cut this off from me!”

“Hey, hey,” I could tell she was working herself up. “You and Juniper are both sensitive people. Sometimes people lash out when their emotions are heightened. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or anything, but you can work on it. For what it’s worth, I do think you two are good together.”

“Thank you,” her voice quieted back to the mournful tone it was at first and I could hear sniffling and weeping in the background. “I’m sorry. I told myself I would keep composed and yet I went off into that rant. Gee, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re a better therapist than the one I pretended to be.”

“Heh. It’s nothing. You’ve definitely been through a lot. Get yourself some tea or something, that might help.”

“Thanks,” she sniffled again. “What about you? Is there anything new with you?”

“Eh. Same ol’ boring stuff at the hospital. People get sick and die, some people get better.”

“To which?” She let out a weak chuckle.

“Oh, definitely the sick part. I’ve yet to someone get better from being dead, but anything can happen. Fingers crossed, right?”

“Heh…so there’s nothing new at all? What about at the house? I bet you’re glad to have Juniper and I out of your hair.”

“Eh. You guys weren’t that bad to deal with.”

“That’s a relief. Do you miss us?”

“Hmm...a bit. It’s a bit quiet now, but I like it. Means I can play video games in peace and walk around the apartment in my underwear.”

“Indeed, that is a positive. Though I didn’t need to hear the last part.”

I tried to think about anything of substance I could actually talk about.

“Oh! I met someone new at the hospital today! This nurse named Fern. He’s got these beautiful murky green eyes and maze-like curly dark hair. Oh, and his mustache. I bet I’d be ticklish if it rubbed against me,” I announced with a sense of excitement at the prospect of actually having something to say.

“Are you attracted to this Fern person?” She inquired.

While I didn’t quite know where she got that idea from, I wasn’t going to say that he was ugly or anything like that.

“I’m certainly not repelled by him,” I joked. Heh. Magnets. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious, since you described him in such exquisite detail.”

“Eh. Isn’t it normal to describe people you talk about?”

“Not in my experience. Not like that, anyway. But hey, what do I know?”

“Yeah, well, I just met him today, so I doubt I’ll describe him every time I talk about him. He seems nice, in any case. Hey, maybe the four of us could play D&D together sometime?” I perked up at the prospect of having someone else to play D&D with. That was the most important thing about meeting someone. If not D&D, maybe I could gush about 80s Sci-Fi movies or J-RPGs.

“I don’t know...that game always brings out the worst in me...I try to be a healer but whenever I encounter a monster I just want to grind them into dust and then I curse the fact that I didn’t pick a class like barbarian.”

“Heh. That is a problem. You could always just be a barbarian.”

“No. I don’t want to,” I could tell she stuck her nose up just by her tone of voice alone.

“In any case, we gotta get this going on! We never seem to finish a campaign!” I was SO pumped to get this thing going on.

“That’s because I always either quit out of frustration or you end up too busy and we decide to start over from a new campaign as soon as you have free time again,” she pointed out. At least she was honest.

“We’ll figure something out, I’m sure!”

“Mm...well, it was nice talking with you, Trent. I’m glad you seem to be doing well, and good luck with this Fern person.”

“Thanks! You take care too! Bye!”

We hung up and I spent the rest of the day being an exhausted nerdy Trenty bear who somehow did nothing yet time still passed.

As the days went by, I’d spend lunch having conversations with Fern and he said I could talk about whatever I was passionate about, so OF COURSE a bunch of nerdy shit came up.

“About halfway through the game, she dies, but you can get her final limit break later on. This is a way to show that she’s still with the party in spirit and the party keeps it as a memento, even though they know they cannot use it, OR they refuse to use it to honor her memory.”

“I see. And it’s not just the developers making a mistake?” Fern pondered. The gall.

“No way. Game developers wouldn’t just do that. In fact, you can hack the game to make it so Aerith lives, by coming back after she dies, but she’ll say at a certain point, ‘I’m not supposed to be here’. That’s because the developers knew that players would try to bring her back, so they were prepared.”

“Wow. That really is haunting,” he looked moved by my explanation. As he should be.

“The game devs were also brilliant for making her and Cloud be besties instead of a romantic interest. There’s a part where Cloud and Aerith go on a date on a ferris wheel and right before they go on the ferris wheel, Aerith turns to cloud and goes ‘wa...wassup homie?’ and Cloud says, ‘golly gee’ in response. By having them be besties, it shows the importance of friendships over romantic relationships. It’s actually shown in a prequel that Cloud had a boyfriend named Zack, but despite it being canon, many fans prefer to act like the game doesn’t exist.”

“That’s a wonderful message for them to show,” he nodded along.

“Yeah. So anyway, Zack dies in the prequel.”

“Damn. This Cloud guy just can’t catch a break.”

Before I was able to continue the conversation further, I received a beep on my pager.

“...And neither can I. I gotta split.”

That was how our typical conversations went. I did most of the talking while he stared and smiled the whole way through. Most of the time, I didn’t mind that, but it also meant that I didn’t know much about him. He hardly seemed like the mysterious type, and I should’ve known the mysterious type due to the people I’ve let in my apartment in the past.

So the next chance we got I decided I’d hold nothing back. We both sat together, once again with our lunches in front of us, and I popped the question:

“Do you have any siblings?” I was casual as I asked him, plain as day with an egg and lettuce sandwich in my hands. He tilted his head and rested it on his palm, looking even more radiant than usual.

“Why yes. I have four sisters. Two of them are engaged. One of them’s married. The fourth one is still looking for love.”

“Oh wow,” I replied. “You know, you could tell her that she doesn’t have to find love. It’s not the be-all and end-all, after all.”

“I think she already knows that. Still, she wouldn’t mind the experience. What about you, Trent?” He spoke my name with such a delicacy that it made my heart tackle the walls of my chest.

“Uh, yeah,” I stammered. “I’ve got a sister. I don’t even know why you mentioned relationships since I just asked about siblings, but she’s in one. I mean, she’s married, so I guess I’ve also got a sister-in-law. If that counts as another sibling, then I’ve got two sisters, maybe?”

He coughed up a chuckle against his fist.

“Love is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?”

I shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess it can be.”

For some reason that simple exchange reminded me of an early memory when Juniper and I were kids and we shared a room, bunk beds, in fact.

She hung upside down from the edge of the top bunk of the bed. I always did tell her to be careful, but she never was good at listening to me.

“Hey bro, bro, bruh, bruv,” she pestered me.

“What is it?” I looked up from the book I was reading.

She held down a magazine with pictures of women in hiking gear.

“Look! Aren’t those girls cute? Aren’t they your type?” She pressed it up to my face. Or as well up to my face as she could. Her aim wasn’t the best when she hung upside down. Nevertheless, I took a glance. Of course, as I was more interested in the book I was reading, I didn’t really pay attention.

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

Not satisfied, she grew in intensity.

“Come on! You didn’t look!”

“Yeah I did!” I shot back. “I��m just more interested in this book right now! You have no idea how cool the Shannara novels are!” Oh, but I wasn’t done. “Also, I’m pretty sure those are your type, not mine!”

She stuck her tongue out.

“What even is your type?” She teased.

I shrugged. Really, I didn’t know then, and even into my 30s, as a doctor, I had no idea if I even had a type. For anyone. After a pause, she then asked.

“Do you think you’d ever have a crush on anyone?”

I gave it some thought. Then, as if it was a no brainer, it clicked.

“If someone was actually interested in me, sure! But c’mon, I’m a nerd. You know how hard it is for people like me.”

She scowled at that.

“That’s just a myth. That shouldn’t stop you.”

She was right. Both back then, and in the present, if she were to tell me that again. But over the years, I grew to have a different excuse.

“Would you ever be open to the idea of love?” Fern’s question brought me out of the memory, back to the moment that I shared with him.

I shrugged.

“Sure, I wouldn’t mind. If the opportunity were to occur. But then, I’m always too busy to think about things like that, so it’s never really crossed my mind. I’m sure you can relate, seeing as you’re probably about as busy as I am.”

“Indeed,” he agreed. “But it has its advantages.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“Like how we can spend the same amount of time together.”

Oh yeah. That was a really good point.

“Heh. It is nice to have someone to chat with,” I agreed.

It was a surprise how little time had passed, but I was glad for it. Considering how unpredictable this job could be, I had to be thankful for any precious minutes I got.

“Let’s not worry about that. If we run out of time, we can pick it up another day. So what do you say?”

“So tell me, how did your sister meet her lover?” His curiosity took me by surprise. Not something I thought would be worth asking, but who was I to say what someone did and didn’t find interesting?

All right. So I told him. It seemed he just had that kind of effect on me.

Maybe it was a little cliché, I don’t know, because I don’t know what constitutes as cliché, but it was a rainy evening. I had just gotten off work, I had my umbrella, but it seemed to do me little good as there was a mighty gust of wind and the rain just slid down the umbrella and managed to force itself onto my jacket.

On the way home, I took a shortcut through a side street. I guess it was like an alleyway, but more open. I don’t know, side street sounds appropriate. Curled up underneath the cover of a building’s awning was a homeless woman, a single orange striped blanket over her, damp. Her hair seemed covered in dirt, she shivered, but made no attempt to voice her discomfort. I couldn’t quite make out her face, but maybe it was pity that brought me to pay attention to her in the first place.

Yeah, typical “boy meets girl” story, huh?

At last, she looked up and croaked. Despite facing me, her face seemed to droop low and she looked downtrodden.

“You got money?”

I jumped. Startled. Yeah, not too dignified, but I really just didn’t expect for her to notice me. Once I composed myself, I dug through my jacket pocket and pulled out a twenty dollar bill.

“Here, it’s not much, but it’s what I got on me.”

“Thanks,” she replied and took it. No more than that. Of course, if that was the extent of the exchange, there wouldn’t really be anything to tell, now would there?

“Hey, I know it’s late, but there’s a cafe close by we can visit if you want a coffee or something. They’re not open forever, but it’ll keep you dry for a little while,” I offered.

She looked up again, scowled.

“I don’t trust strangers,” she stated.

“Oh, yeah, definitely. I’m a stranger, you’re a stranger. I get that,” I chuckled. “I just figured I’d offer, but you can decline. If you’re worried about me being someone dangerous, you can punch me. I’m not really interested in being cruel or violent or anything like that.”

She squinted. I would later find out that was less because of how ridiculous she may have thought me and more because she had poor eyesight.

“Are you that desperate that you would ask a homeless person out on a date?” Her biting remark might have gotten under the skin of just about anyone else, but I’ve probably heard much worse from some of my patients. Instead, I laughed.

“You don’t have to think of it as a date. I don’t. I’m not really the dating type, anyway. It’s just a spur of the moment thing.”

She shifted eyes, turned her head from left to right, then looked back up on me.

“I can’t believe I’m going to agree to this…but sure,” she heaved out the words.

“Cool,” I stuck my thumb out, then continued, “it’s just a couple of blocks away. I really like the place, since I sometimes don’t get off work until real late and it’s open past midnight.”

“I don’t care...when it’s open...but I could use something warm...to drink,” she sounded lightheaded, in a daze.

Once we made our way through the door of the dim lit cafe with neon lighting, she wiped her shoes on the mat.

Oh. What good manners, I thought. As someone who often forgot to wipe their shoes when entering places, it was a nice reminder to see someone else do so. At least I remembered to put my umbrella down, but that kinda went without saying.

As soon as I approached the counter, I turned to her, still drenched.

“Don’t worry about the cost. Order whatever you like,” I assured her. After I said those words, she looked up, squinted, then closed her eyes.

“I would like a lavender mocha latte, but no dairy. Almond milk if you have it. Coconut would be even better. Give four extra shots of espresso, and if you have dark chocolate syrup, use that.”

Damn. It was like she had the whole thing recited and ready to go. All right.

“I’ll just take a black coffee,” I shrugged. I didn’t need all the sugar or any of that extra stuff.

“Oh. I should have went with that too,” she looked down, possibly embarrassed at her order.

I laughed.

“Don’t worry, I said you could order whatever. My treat.”

She made her way to the table nearest to the window, and took the seat closest to the window as well. As soon as she sat down, she lowered her head onto the table and her arms outstretched to cover her head. Behind her, raindrops slid down the window. It wasn’t much an interesting sight, but I wasn’t a very observant person, so I felt I ought to have taken note of something.

“Just so you know, you should probably forget about me after this,” she uttered and despite her words being muffled, I could still make her words out clear as a river.

“If you want,” I shrugged.

“I’m serious. You shouldn’t associate with me. There’s people after me. I’d rather not get anyone involved.”

I pondered if there was any validity to that. Maybe she ran from an ex, or there was some trafficking ring. That last bit was a little dark. As a middle ground, I thought that maybe she had run off from home as a kid (surprisingly, that part was sort of true, in a sense).

“You probably think I’m crazy. Paranoid, even. I get it. Some homeless woman tells you there’s people after her. You don’t have to believe me. Just so you know, I’m homeless by choice. It’s easier this way. You don’t have to believe that, either.”

“Well, if you’re on the run, maybe it’s not by choice?” I suggested.

She looked up, her face still semi-buried in her arms. Still, I could make out eyes through her bangs. Grayish-purple bags under her eyes, but eyes nonetheless.

“Yeah. You’re probably right. It’s been so long, it’s hard to tell anymore. My head won’t cooperate,” she seemed to agree with my assessment, and as if to confirm as much, she lifted her head up and rubbed her forehead with her palm. With one eye visible, she glared at me.

“Just so you know, even if you considered this a date, I wouldn’t be interested. I’m…” she looked around, then stated, “men don’t interest me.”

I chuckled.

“It’s okay. My sister’s a lesbian. You don’t really have to beat around the bush about it.”

Her eyes widened, then squinted again.

“I don’t know why you would tell me that. I’m not interested. My main focus is my survival, it’s just…” She began to glance to her side and down at the floor. “I’ve been running and hiding so long, I’m growing tired. Sooner or later, I might just give up. It’s a terrible thought, but I don’t think I can go on.”

My concern began to grow, even if I didn’t know the scope of her problem.

“I don’t really know what it is you’re dealing with, but you don’t have to deal with it alone.”

“No. I refuse to endanger anyone else,” she seemed adamant about that.

Maybe she was justified, but in a selfish way, that also made me want to help more.

“You can refuse if you want, but the weather forecast says it’s going to be raining over the next few days. I’ve got a spare room in my apartment you can stay in. If nothing else, it’ll keep you dry.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” she looked away once more.

“You wouldn’t be. I’m the one that offered,” I shrugged, a favorite gesture of mine.

“Well...maybe my head is just messed up enough right now, but...fine. As long as I reserve the right to leave at any time.”

“Of course,” I assured her, and I even lifted a feeble smile. Once our coffee was brought over, mine a regular paper coffee cup, hers a ceramic cup filled to the top, we drank in silence. Between intervals of me sipping the bitter bean, I peeked over and noticed how she held onto her cup with a sort of elegance; one hand on the handle, the other grasping the base of the cup, and slow sips taken, not a single slurp to be heard. It was probably a little weird of me to pick up on something like that, I admit.

“I’m Trent, by the way,” I told her out of courtesy. Depending on how long she’d stay, I felt it wise to tell her my name.

“Et...err...Vesuvius. You can call me Vesuvius. Or Ves. I don’t care which,” her eyes shifted and she stammered out the words.

After we finished our coffee, we headed out, umbrella up and ready to go. There wasn’t a long walk ahead of us, and she was silent the whole way through. Not that I tried to make small talk anyway, since the rain was kind of gloomy weather for conversation. She walked with a slump, something I should have warned her to be cautious about, lest she get a hunchback. Maybe she did so because she felt she was too tall to fit under the umbrella, or maybe she had been under such duress for so long that standing up straight no longer registered to her.

Before long, we made our way inside and I showed her to where the spare room was. She didn’t speak a word, not so much as a nod, just went inside. Before I closed the door, I told her, “if you need anything, just let me know. I’ll be down the hall and to your left.”

Still, no acknowledgment. That was fine. Just as long as she heard me. For whatever reason, it didn’t register until after I closed the door that I didn’t have anything like an air mattress or a futon for her to sleep on. That room was bare, empty. Not a single item to be found.

Despite that, I was too tired to do anything rational like look for some spare blankets or pillows, and decided it was high time for me to get some rest. At the very least, I turned the heater on and let it run. It wasn’t something I liked to do, and I didn’t think Juniper would be all that comfortable with it on, but screw it, I was the one who paid the bills.

“Well, time for me to get some shut eye,” I announced, thinking there was no one around who could hear me. However, I soon noticed from the corner of my eye a foam basketball being tossed up into the air.

“Who’s the babe?” Juniper, asked in a rather dull voice. I soon turned and saw her laying on the couch, flat on her back.

“Don’t be disrespectful,” I scolded. “I found her on the street. She’s just going to stay over for a few nights.”

“So now you’re picking up homeless chicks?”

Really, maybe she was just moody ‘cause she was tired, or maybe she just felt like giving me a hard time that night in particular.

“I just felt like doing a good deed, there’s nothing behind it,” I corrected her. Again.

“That’s rather nice of you. Just make sure not to overexert yourself. Your health is important too,” she reminded.

“Thanks.”

I thought I could just go to bed, but then a smile which signified mischief spread across her face.

“So, tell me about the babe,” she wouldn’t drop it so soon.

“Oh, come on,” I groaned.

“C’mon, the babe.”

“No,” I folded my arms on my hips. If she could nudge me from where she was at, she would have.

“You remind me of the babe,” her cheery voice returned, coupled with a sing-song tone.

“What babe?” I finally gave in.

“The babe with the power.”

“What power?”

“Power of voodoo!”

“Who do?”

“You do!”

“Do what?”

“Remind me of the babe! Ha ha ha!” she kicked around the couch and laughed. There were certain nights where I could just tell when she watched Labyrinth that day.

“Okay, okay, don’t stay up too late,” I reminded her. “You know where your room is.”

“Yeah, yeah. ‘Night.”

Ah, Labyrinth. Classic. David Bowie and his tights. Things didn’t get much better than that.

Somehow I managed to tell him all of that with time to spare.

“You have a big heart, Trent,” he told me, which kinda made me want to sulk.

“Yeah...I do try to have a good diet, though,” I pouted.

“No, no, I mean metaphorically,” he patted the air as he spoke, a sure sign of sincerity.

“You mean…?” I stared into his earthen rosemary colored eyes.

“Yes. You are very kind.”

“Oh, phew. For a second there I was worried you meant my weight.”

“No, no. Dear. You are adorable. When I first saw you that fateful day, I said to myself, ‘this is an adorable teddy bear’. I would never have anything unkind to say to a teddy bear.”

“Well, thank you. Does that mean I’m a cuddly looking teddy bear?” I let slip my curiosity.

“I’d have to find that one out for myself. Hey, your story about your sister’s wife got me thinking. How would you like to go out for coffee after work?”

Gee, the possibility never even occurred to me, but it was so simple. Of course.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not. I’m pretty sure the place is still open.”

“And,” he leaned in a little closer. “May I consider it a date?”

I laughed a little at that.

“If you’d like to.”

“And,” a little closer still. “Would you consider it one?”

That time, my heart went “boing boing” against my chest. I didn’t know the answer to that one. It was too much being put on the spot, I was used to the attention being on other people.

“Um...not no, but maybe yes...I’m not sure…” Came my disgraceful blabbering until I managed to catch myself and re-compose. “Er...I’m not used to thinking about things for myself...but...sure. You’re a pretty cool guy. Let’s consider it a coffee date.”

So we did. Just a few nights later, after work we walked into the parking lot. He had a motorcycle, with enough of a seat for me to fit in the back. It wasn’t awkward in the slightest and in fact, it played out much the same as many of our conversations at lunch before. It all felt natural between us, like trees. He ordered an oregano tea latte and I had my usual black coffee.

As if by miracle, the sun had yet to set and there wasn’t the slightest hint of rain. We sat across from each other and immersed ourselves in the ambiance of the hums and smooth glitchtunes playing on the coffee shop’s speakers.

“So, if I were to come over to your place tonight, would I see your sister and her wife?” He posed the hypothetical question.

“Nah, they both moved out almost a year ago. They’ve got their own apartment somewhere else in the city, though they’re also saving up to move elsewhere again.”

“So soon?” He tilted his head.

“Well, it’s a dream of Ves’ to live in a field of flowers, open nature, all that stuff. Psychedelic drugs, flowers in hair, tie-dye, I could go on. Juniper’s already found a place a couple of states out, and she found an old beat up pick up truck in a ditch and decided to repair it just for fun. So now all they gotta do is assemble the wood, get some electric lining, plumbing, all that stuff. Which...I don’t have a lot of faith in my sister, she’s no architect or electrician, but she’s the type who gets insistent about doing everything herself, so it’s not like I could talk her out of it.”

“That’s great, though! They’re pursuing their passion. Isn’t that beautiful?”

I shrugged.

“I dunno if ‘beautiful’ is the word I’d use, but yeah. I suppose I’m happy for them.”

“What about you? Do you have any goals?” His eyes fluttered, almost like he wanted to lull me to sleep.

“Sorta, but it’s kinda dumb? I just don’t like the whole ‘charged ten thousand dollars as soon as you walk in and good luck getting your overpriced insurance that you can barely afford, if afford at all, to cover anything’ so I was thinking how it would be cool if I could run my own clinic. I don’t know, maybe it could be funded through donations, but in no way would people have to pay. Like, I doubt I’d be able to do the big stuff like surgeries or transplants, but it’s still something, right? Thing is, that’s kinda impossible, don’cha think?”

Rather than some kind of agreement, he reacted in a rather ferocious manner: he stood up, leaned over, and slammed his hands on the table.

“Trent,” while his voice grew in intensity, it certainly didn’t sound angry. More...motivating. “You must never be afraid of your passion.”

“Uh...okay…” I scratched my cheek. “But what about you? What are you passionate about?”

He sat back down.

“You. Of course,” he answered, so simple, so straightforward in his delivery.

“So, like, does that mean you’d want to play D&D with me sometime?”

He laughed.

“I’d love to.”

“Really? Are you sure? What if you don’t like it? I mean, I don’t even know what your hobbies are.”

“If I end up not liking it, then at least I’ll have found that out for myself. But all of your hobbies, everything that interest you, I want to immerse myself in. Because all of you...is my hobby.”

“Bro…” I leaned forward. “That’s kind of...uh...cool!”

“Oh, and I also like to ride around on my motorcycle. I like watching the sunsets, going hiking, mountain climbing, kayaking, and making ceramic cups.”

Hiking, mountain climbing, kayaking...he sure looked fit. Not to mention, those things sounded like fun, even if possibly dangerous.

“Do you think I could do those things with you?” I asked, hesitant, but I figured if he was wanting to do the things I liked, I may as well ask him in return.

“Of course. You can do whatever you want with me.”

“Then in that case, can I kiss you?” I joked, though it seemed to come out of nowhere. However much I meant it, it was out in the open now.

“Of course. Would you like to do it here, or at your apartment?”

“Err...at my apartment?”

To be honest, I’ve never kissed anyone before. Or been kissed by anyone before. That thought never even crossed my mind and I pretty much figured I’d be fine not having such a thought and continuing on with my life, but dominoes were falling or something like that.

“Let’s go, then,” he stood up and motioned for me to head toward the door. In a hurry, I chugged down my coffee.

I should probably brush my teeth first. Coffee breath probably isn’t a good taste. Then again, would he want to brush his teeth. Should we just use the same toothbrush? Or maybe he packed one with him.

When we shoved our way through the door of my apartment, those questions were erased from my mind.

“I’ve actually never kissed anyone before...I know, in my thirties and…” he put his finger on my lips and made a “shh” sound.

“Relax. I’ll take the lead,” he lowered his hand, then leaned down and spread his lips against mine. As he released, I wished that he hadn’t. But then the thought of my breath returned to the front of my mind.

“Sorry, uh, hope my breath doesn’t bother you.”

“Does it bother you?” He asked.

“Well…it’s probably good to take care of your teeth. I’m not a dentist, but I do think good health is important in all aspects of one’s health and --”

He pulled out a box of mint chews.

“Here,” he opened the box. I took a couple and popped them into my mouth. On instinct, I bit down on them and chewed, despite knowing that I wouldn’t be prepared for the icy hellfire that was the minty taste. After a couple of seconds of huffing, I looked back at him.

“Okay, I’m good now.”

“There is one more interest I have now,” he decided to pick back up from our conversation at the coffee shop for some final choice words.

“Yeah? What would that be?”

“Supporting you and your dreams.”

Then we kissed again.

So flashforward a year or so and through some sort of miracle, such a dream was realized: we converted the apartment into a clinic and moved upstairs to the apartment directly above. Both of us quit our jobs at the hospital so we could focus on the clinic. Really, I couldn’t have done it without him. Or, maybe I could have, but I’d like to think he gave me that sort of push, y’know? That little “oomf.”

There were many improvements that could have been made, and might be made as time went on, but I liked seeing the genuine attempt to help, and the look on people’s faces when they knew they wouldn’t have to worry about cost...worth it. What’s more, people donated freely, and often. We met several people around the community and even convinced some to play D&D with us. I think the biggest surprise was how much of a hit the game was with the elderly.

Oh, and also, Fern and I became boyfriends. Not really sure how that happened, but it did and I’m cool with it.

On one particular slow day, an interesting thing happened: see, it had been a while since any strange people walked through my door. After a streak of Ves, Blanc, and that weird stalker lady my sister hugged, I figured I’d see the last of any weirdness. In fact, I never even thought to tell Fern about any of the weird visitors (besides Ves, of course). But then as I was doing a solo hunt against deviljo in Monster Hunter on my PC in my office, Fern ran into my office.

“Hey Trent, dear, there’s someone outside the front door saying she’s your cousin,” he informed me. I looked up, a little perplexed.

“I have relatives?” I asked, even though it might have seemed like a pretty dumb thing to say.

Never mind the dumbness, I stopped what I was doing and rushed toward the door only to find a short lady with blonde hair who looked to be in her 20s.

“Hello, can I help you?” I asked her.

“It’s me, your cousin. Demetria?” She folded her arms and scowled.

It took a few seconds to click, and then I remembered.

“Ohhh. You were at my sister’s wedding. I think. Probably.”

“Yeah, I probably most definitely was,” she turned her head and spat on the ground.

Fern stood beside me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Who might this be?” He asked.

“Fern,” I gestured to Demetria. “This is apparently my cousin, Demetria. Demetria, this is Fern, my receptionist-slash-boyfriend.”

“You make me sick,” Demetria growled in response.

“What?” I blinked, and I was quite surprised to hear such a thing. “Are you homophobic?”

“No, I’m not homophobic, I just can’t believe you’re dating someone named after a tree! You were supposed to be the chosen one! You could have broken the cycle!”

That was an odd thing to focus on, but good to know it wasn’t too serious.

“It’s short for Fernando, actually, and technically, Ferns aren’t trees,” Fern explained to her.

“All right, buster,” she pointed up. “But you’re on thin-fucking-ice!”

Then she turned to me.

“Also, grats on being gay, I guess. That’s kinda cool,” she eased up her abrasive tone.

“Well, I might be bi. I don’t know. I haven’t been interested in women before, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be interested in any women. I think the real question we need to ask is, is it gay to be in a relationship with another man?” I suggested. Demetria just looked at Fern, who then looked at me.

“Yeah,” they both said at the same time.

“Well, in any case, what can I do for you, Demetria?” I shifted focus.

“Right. I need you to tell me where Juniper lives.”

“What for?”

“So I can go live with them. Why else?”

That was an odd thing to want to do, and I didn’t even think Juniper and Ves would agree to such a...oh, who was I kidding? Juniper was that kind of person.

“Right. Uh...I guess there’s no harm. I’ll write down their address for you. You got a way to get there?”

She shook her head.

“I make it up as I go. I got here just fine, didn’t I?”

Yeah, that was a good point.

I pulled out my notepad from my shirt pocket as well as a pen and scribbled down the address. After I handed it to her, she squinted and scowled.

“Shit. How am I supposed to read this chicken scratch?”

Right. Doctor.

“Here, I’ll just spell it out for you, so you can just type it in the notepad app on your phone or whatever you have.”

“Oh, great. More work for me to do,” she grimaced, but pulled out her phone and pressed the power button.

“Let’s see...a few missed calls from my mom. Typical. Also, a text from Ray. ‘If you ever consider coming back here, don’t. I don’t want to see you again.’ Gee, wasn’t planning on going back there, but good to see I’m not wanted. Typical...oh, here we go. Notepad.”

I didn’t really know what that bit was about, but I wasn’t about to pry. Wasn’t my business. As soon as I told her the address, she turned her phone back off and put it back in her pocket.

How are you going to know where to find the place if you don’t even look at the address?

Oh well. Juniper and Ves’ problem now.

“See ya,” she waved, then ran off. Fern and I waved too, then Fern turned to me.

“Well, she was interesting,” he remarked.

I shrugged.

“Yeah. It tends to go that way. I never really told you, but besides Ves, there’s been some strange people who showed up here a couple of times. First there was Blanc, this amnesiac who was missing an arm. Juniper decided to make a prosthetic limb for them after learning about Fullmetal Alchemist and we kinda let them live here until they just disappeared one day. Then there was this one stalker Juniper had who wanted her and I to leave town but didn’t really explain why and then Juniper hugged her and she freaked out. Not a clue what that was about, but we never saw her again, so I guess we never needed to leave town.”

“Wow, your sister had a stalker?”

I shrugged.

“Yeah, it was horrible, I guess. She seemed rather nonchalant about it, but I could tell it affected her in some ways. She was paranoid for a bit until she met this stalker in person, and then said stalker turned out to be harmless.”

“Still, I would’ve been scared too.”

“Oh yeah, and by the way, Ves is a time traveler. Yeah, you probably think I’m nuts now, but she was originally from the ‘60s and my sister and I found this time travel device that looked like a Nintendo 64 when we moved in. It apparently belonged to Ves’ father. So that time at the coffee shop when she was homeless? Yeah, apparently I met her before that actually and neither of us realized that. Of course, she was a teenager back then and only showed up to take the time travel device back but anyway…”

I realized I started rambling and the more I went on, the more ridiculous things probably seemed.

“...Anyway, you don’t have to believe me, but that was all to say that everyone else who’s ever been in this apartment has been more interesting than me. Including you. Compared to them, I’m kinda just...there.”

He shook his head and placed a firm grasp on my shoulders. He looked me in the eyes.

“No, you are very interesting. How could you not be when you’ve met all of these interesting people? Take it from me: I wouldn’t be interested in you if I didn’t find you interesting.”

“Gee,” I looked away, embarrassed. “Thanks. But also, there’s one more thing: my family has this weird tradition of naming people after trees. Yeah, I’m Trent, but I was named after Treant, this tree monster in D&D. My mom wanted to name me Ent, but apparently couldn’t because the Tolkien estate has the rights to that name.”

“See? Another interesting thing about you!”

“Ha. I’m glad I met you. My mom wasn’t exactly a nice lady, but it was cool that she was into D&D. That’s probably where I got it from. Maybe it’s genetic. Still, neither mine nor my sister’s personalities are like her, although Juniper’s probably closer, though way nicer. It’s hard to explain, but you’d just have to trust me.”

“Every time you tell me something new about yourself, I’m fascinated more and more,” he smiled wide.

We kissed once more before getting back to work. Our day hadn’t yet come to an end.

[jimlingss]

The President’s Son [14]

Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15

➜ Words: 3.7k

➜ Genres: 100% Fluff, Slice of Life, Bodyguard!AU

➜ Summary: Kim Taehyung is the President’s son, mischievous and playful, and infamous for being a troublemaker. When everyone’s given up, they call for you to be his personal guard. There’s no other choice when your dad’s assigned you to it and surprisingly Taehyung doesn’t mind either. Maybe because you happened to grow up with that brat.

He really is too much sometimes. But lately, it seems to be getting worse and worse.   “Is that my sweater, Taehyung?!”   He pulls on the sleeves and tugs on the collar as if he can dig his nose or hide his entire face in the soft material. “......maybe.”   You aren’t angry as much as you are perplexed. “Why?”   “Cause I love your clothes and they’re always bagging on you which makes it the perfect size for me!” He has a disgustingly coy expression on his face, staring at you with a bashful smile. “Did you buy them like this for that purpose? So we can share?”   “No.”   He bats his lashes and pretends he didn’t hear. “You don’t have to pretend anymore, dumbo. I know your true feelings deep, deep down. It’s okay, I mean I don’t blame you. How could you be able to resist someone like me? You can’t. Lucky for you though, I feel the same way. I like you too.”   Taehyung waltzes out of the room, having no plans of taking off or removing your oversized sweater that fits him well. He hums underneath his breath, walking away casually, leaving you baffled and confused.   There was definitely something not right about him.   It wasn’t that he’s become more insane — he’s always been some kind of crazy, reckless, and irresponsible. Nor is it that he’s in an unusually happy and bubbly mood lately. It’s that he’s been hitting on you to an extreme point….like he’s trying to achieve something. You don’t know what.   He’s always loved teasing you, but it’s become provocative, flirtatious. Taehyung’s become kittenish — playful, frisky, and he’s more serious about it. He commits to every joke with the utmost sincerity that you can barely tell if he’s sick or he really wants to get a rise out of you that badly.    Taehyung sing-songs when he calls you. “Dumbo~ where did you go?” He dotes on you, clings onto you. “Stand close to me, I have a feeling an attacker’s gonna jump out from the right and tickle me to death. I’m so scared.”   It would be bearable if that was it.    But he’s evolved into using greasy pick-up lines, to always move closer to you like you’re a magnet, to touch you lightly whenever he gets the chance, and to wink across the room as if no one else is watching.   When you tell him to go pee before the two of you leave, he’s gazing at you intensely without blinking. Like his life depends on it, he’s keen on holding eye contact with you — it doesn’t matter what you say, whether it’s important or not.   Taehyung not only pays close attention to every word that falls out of your mouth, he frequently compliments how strong you are while licking his lips with his tongue. He’s picked up a new habit of whispering in your ears too, allowing his hot breath to skim on your skin. And whenever you tell him that he’s pissing you off — he shrugs and apologizes despite clearly not meaning it.   “Hey, Namjoon.” Taehyung sticks his head through the front passenger window. “Can you get out?”   “I’m supposed to drive you, Taehyung.”   “Y/N can drive me.” He stands straighter and turns around. “Right?”   “No,” you deadpan. “I thought we agreed on this. Remember the last time?”   “We’re not gonna be chased. I’m not gonna get kidnapped.” The blonde male sighs. “I just don’t like to sit at the back of the car. I don’t need a damn chauffeur everywhere I go. That’s weird.”   “You can’t drive.”   “Yeah, but you can. And I can sit up front with you.”   “The chief—”   “Your dad can take it up with me. You’re supposed to serve me and my needs. You won’t get in trouble for something like this, trust me, alright?”   “I don’t serve anyone. I’m not a maid.”   “Yeah, but you’re my bodyguard. You’re my protector, so you gotta protect my mental state too and this would really, really help it.” There’s a second of silence and in the heat of the moment, Taehyung decides to spontaneously switch tactics. He pouts, eyes sad and he shakes your arm while swaying back and forth. He tries to convince you with his cute act, but you’re not amused in the least bit. “I’m not the President’s son. I don’t know anything about that. Right now I’m Taehyung….so, please, Y/N? Pretty, pretty please?”   But despite being irked by his behaviour, a drawn out exhale squeezes from your lungs. “You make me annoyed.”   Taehyung grins, aware that he’s won. “I know.”   You walk around, looking through the open window of the driver’s seat before pulling the door open. Namjoon’s brow raises, skeptical and surprised you gave in so easily. “Are you sure about this?”   “I don’t know.” There’s no reason to lie. “But I’ll handle whatever happens.”   That’s a good enough answer for the strapping brunette and he shrugs, getting out, not willing to put up a fight lest Taehyung throws another tantrum. It’s not his job to decide what’s best for him after all — he doesn’t get paid enough for that.   Taehyung slides into the passenger seat and turns to stare at you. His cheeks nearly burst with his enormous grin, happy to get his way. “One day I’ll learn how to drive properly, so I can take you around instead.”   “No, thanks. I’d rather stay alive and not die in an accident,” you mutter, putting the keys in the ignition and firing up the engine. He scoffs and argues it’ll be fine, but doesn’t put up much of a fight as he leans back, savouring the moment.   It’s so entirely mundane and something he’s so happy over. Maybe it’s because he finally feels normal, that it’s just the two of you driving to some destination, and he’s not a person of different status in the backseat with you and a driver up front.   If this is all that takes to make him happy, you’ll find ways to always achieve it.   “I’ve been thinking about something and I’ve finally decided,” he says out of the blue over some generic pop song playing over the radio. “I’m going to help you.”   “Help me?” You’re skeptical, sparing a glance to the person beside you. “How?”   “I’m going to help you adjust to real society, so that you’re healthy and normal and no longer emotionally stunted.”   “I am healthy and ‘normal’, Taehyung.”   He ignores you, continuing and really convincing himself as he talks and nods. “No one likes talking to a robot.” You let out a long sigh. “You trust me, right? It’ll help you get closer to your dad too. Nothing’s gonna change if you don’t do anything about it, and he probably thinks you’re well-adjusted. You don’t want to disappoint him, right? But rest assured, I’ll try my best….”   There’s a drawn out silence that you savour. “Are you bored, Taehyung? Don’t you have an art project due in a week?”   He gasps dramatically and you feel his gaze boring into the side of your face. It was better when he was in the backseat and stared through the rear view mirror — at least that was easier to ignore. “I’m offering you my help and you think it’s because I’m bored and have nothing better to do?! That’s only a little true! But I’m mostly doing this out of the goodness of my own heart! You should be thanking me.”   Your tone drips of sarcasm. “Thanks.”   Yet, Taehyung still grins, taking it very literal. “You’re very welcome.”   You have an inkling of what’s to come and you’re not excited in the least bit. Sure, you don’t know what exactly is in store, but when it comes to Taehyung and especially with his recent behaviour, you know it can’t be good. The emotion that you feel, you quickly realize, is dread.   Dread. Though in a way, he is showing you how to feel more emotions — you’ve never felt this kind of reluctance and apprehension in a long time.   Once the car is parked, you get out and lock the doors, stuffing the keys in your pocket. The parking garage is empty, echoing with his running footsteps. Taehyung catches up to you at the speed of light, almost like he’s trying to tackle you. But instead, he throws an arm around your shoulders, tugging you close into his body.   You jolt before glaring at him. Though it’s futile. Taehyung is undeterred by it and he even secures his hold on you, almost nuzzling his forehead into your hair.   He offers the cheesiest grin possible to explain what the hell he’s doing. “People are naturally affectionate, dumbo. It’s part of human survival. You shouldn’t be flinching every time someone gets close to you, y’know.”   You say nothing.   The hairs on the back of your neck have risen. Your blood is pumping, and it’s not because you’re especially flustered from his touch or that butterflies have migrated to the pits of your stomach to flutter their wings around. No, it’s nothing romantic. Rather, it’s the urge to tackle him to the floor that’s been ingrained into your muscle memory.    When someone touches you — they want to fight you.   Or at least it’s what’s been ingrained into your system.   If only Taehyung knew your internal conflict, he’d be scared enough to let you go.   “When was the last time you hugged someone?”   “I don’t know.”   “Well let’s change that right now.” Suddenly he stops in the middle of the parking garage where you both could get hit by a car. Taehyung unknowingly pours gasoline into the fire of your internal turmoil by spinning, throwing his other arm around your waist, and pulling you into a tender hug.   Your knees bend. You grip his arm. You’re automatically put into a fighting stance.   But somehow, Taehyung doesn’t budge whatsoever. It’s as if he was expecting it. The college student leans his weight on you, his own knees bent, his feet rooted into the ground. He is an unmoving force that refuses to be pulled down. And the pair of you are stuck at a standstill.   “It’s okay to relax,” he murmurs into your ear. “No one’s gonna attack you from a hug.”   It’s not affectionate or soothing in the least bit. Your pupils are dilated — adrenaline pumping — flight or fight instincts kicking in full force. It’s only forced logic that makes you resist your urges. Your utmost priority is to protect him after all and throttling him would be counter-productive.   But If an outsider saw the two of you right at this moment, they’d probably be repelled at the sight. It’s much less of an embrace and more like you’re about to wrestle each other.   “Says you.”   “Stop panicking, it’s okay.”   “I hate this.”   Taehyung lets go, putting his hands on your shoulders and stepping back at a more comfortable and breathable distance from you. He smiles gently. “That’s okay too. But it’s not so bad, right?”   “No, it’s bad.”    Hugs are downright awful.   He scoffs and continues to walk alongside you, syncing his footsteps in yours. “Pft, you act like I’m subjecting you to some kind of torture.”   “It is torture. It’s sweaty and gross.”   “Wow I can’t believe I’m saying this, but are you five? Next you’re going to be talking about how you don’t want to catch cooties.”   “Hey, I remember for a fact that you were the seven year old who always shrieked whenever I touched you. Didn’t you call me diseased?”   Taehyung laughs at the memory. He ends up leaning in closer to you, the back of his hand purposely brushing yours. The blonde takes the leap and leans down to clasp your hand, holding it tight and squeezing it comfortingly.   Except you jab him in his gut with your elbow, shoving him back.   Taehyung is left behind, wheezing, wind knocked out of him. Still, he gives you a thumbs up and a pained grin, telling you that was a pretty good one.   //   The flirting does not cease, not even in class.   Taehyung stares and purposely knocks his elbow against yours when he’s scribbling notes. Then he not-so accidentally drops his pencil on the floor near your feet and when you both bend down at the same time to pick it up, he retains intense eye contact and brushes your hand with his fingers. It’s distracting and when you look over, he hasn’t written a single thing down.   All Taehyung does is doodle your name and put hearts around them. He even muffles his laughter behind his hand in the lecture hall when he sees your outright disgusted expression you no longer try to hide.   When the hour’s over, he rides his bike exceptionally fast so you can hang on tighter to him. He calls you cute and holds you like his favourite teddy bear. He tries to spoon-feed you lunch, and that’s where you draw the line. But it doesn’t help the situation when other people think he’s head over heels for you — whispering about how sweet and cute he is as you both walk past, giggling and always looking over….   You must admit, it’s impressive.   Taehyung’s obviously switched tactics and now he’s wearing you down faster than you thought was possible. By the end of the day, you are truly exhausted and overwhelmed. Like Namjoon, you don’t get paid enough for this.    “Is everything to your liking, sir?”   “Wow.” One arm is propped up, holding his head as he lies on his side on the bed, body bathed in the dim light coming from the lamp next to him and making him glow. “I hate being called by anything other than my actual name, but I really wouldn’t mind you calling me that again. I might prefer ‘master’ though. Give it a try.”   “Can I leave or not, Taehyung?”   “Boo, you’re no fun.” He sits up with a pout. “And why do you want to leave so soon? I thought we could….play a little.”   “I’m tired and I’d like to leave. We have an early morning tomorrow too. Your class starts at nine.”   A sly smirk pulls on his mouth and his irises twinkle. “You could just stay over. That would make it easier for the both of us.” Reaching your limit completely, you move to switch the light off and you turn away to the door. But at the last second, Taehyung calls out to you. Desperation meets your ears. “Wait, Y/N! I was just joking….please don’t leave.”   You linger at the doorway before turning back around so he can see the profile of your visage.   Taehyung’s playful and mischievous expression has wiped off. What’s taken its place is hesitance and traces of fear. “I….want you to stay.”   “What’s wrong?” Your own voice softens, recognizing his earnestness, how his timbre was tender and husky around the edges.   “I can’t sleep,” he murmurs. “Well, I can, but not well. I’m….scared and I keep getting nightmares of that time I was taken by those people...except, you never came to rescue me and I was on my own….I just...want you to stay with me. For a little bit. If that’s okay with you.”   It’s quiet and you recognize it well from having it seen in your colleagues back when you were still on the force — how trauma has made its mark on him. “We need to book a therapist.”   “No.” He shakes his head. “I’ve been to one before, many times, and it’s fine...but it’s not what I need. Not right now.”   Taehyung wants someone to be with him.   Someone that’s not paid to be.   You gaze at him, staring, breath held in your throat. And then your hand slips off the doorknob.   You do a complete round as usual around his apartment, looking out the windows and onto the street, drawing the curtains after the premise is checked. The doors are locked again, deadbolts in place, and you peek to make sure nothing’s out of the ordinary, that there’s no hiding intruder.    But instead of leaving, the last thing you do is enter Taehyung’s bedroom.   The door closes behind you.   “What...the hell are you doing?”   Taehyung sits up again. This time, he’s appalled, the covers falling down to pool around his lap.   “I’m making sure you’re safe.”   His hand extends as if he’s trying to show someone else how ridiculous this is, baffled beyond coherent speech. “You look like you’re part of a horror movie!”   You don’t see a problem with it — you’re just sitting in the dark. And in the corner of his room. Perched in an armchair with your arms on the rest and your back straight. Your eyes are wide open and staring at the door. A sleek handgun is prepared in your lap.   He cries out in protest, “I’m gonna get more nightmares from this!”   “You’ll be safe this way.”   “No.” Taehyung peels the corner of the covers and pats a spot beside him. “Come here. Lay here with me. I’m not kidding, Y/N. I’m not letting you sit in the corner of my room with you like that. It’s creepy as fuck.” He crawls over the bed and grabs your arm. A muffled yell tears from your mouth before you fall onto his mattress and he’s pulling you in, getting comfortable.   “I can’t fight in this compromising position,” you mutter against his chest. But it doesn’t stop him from holding you, arms wrapped around your abdomen like you’re his body pillow, leg thrown over yours, cuddling your frame.   It’s horrible, sweaty, and way too warm.   “No one’s going to attack us in my apartment. There’s a whole security system in this place,” Taehyung mumbles. “You know that.”   “Yeah but don’t you want to feel safe? I thought that was the point.”   “I want you beside me.” There’s a moment of silence. “If you’re that uncomfortable, you can leave….I-...I won’t force you to stay if you don’t want to.”   You consider it, but it doesn’t take a lot of deliberation to come up with a decision. “I’m fine.”   For just a little bit, you allow yourself to relax and be beside him. To you, it goes beyond a sense of duty, more than being part of your job. It’s a desire to make him feel comfortable and safe at any cost.   “It feels like we’re kids again.” Taehyung laughs at a low volume, breaking the peace in his quaint bedroom. You can hear his thundering heartbeat against your ear — but you suppose any kind of human physical contact warrants that response. “We should have a bubble bath together. I promise I won’t touch. I’ll only look.”   Your eyes roll, even if he can’t see. “We never shared a bath.”   “Yeah, but we should.”   “No.”   He giggles and it’s pleasant to listen to. “We did share a kiddie pool together. Remember? I had these rubber duck arm floaties with me and some pool toys. You were supposed to teach me how to swim. Didn’t your dad teach you?”   “Kind of.” Your eyes shut and even when it goes against what your intentions, you’re lulled, no longer as alert as a few minutes ago. The corner of your mouth still moves. “He put me in an adult swim class so I could learn.”   “Oh.”   “He punctured holes in my floaties when I wanted to use them. Said I didn’t need it and wouldn’t have it on me if I was drowning.”   “That’s….” Taehyung searches for the right word. “....intense.”   You hum a soothing note and the corner of your mouth quirks as another memory surfaces. “Didn’t you push me in the actual pool? In the deep end?”   “And you survived!” He chuckles and snuggles you closer. “Guess your dad’s strategy worked after all.”    “I remember you shoved me down a waterslide when I wasn’t ready too.”   “Huh. I don’t really recall—”   “You tried tripping me up the stairs and laughed when I slipped in a puddle.”   “You have a fantastic memory, don’t you, dumbo?” Taehyung grins, though he isn’t sure why you’re bringing it up now. You’ve accepted his apology, but he’ll apologize as many more times as he needs to. He was an idiot back then — he still is.   Your voice drops, rumbling in your chest. “That’s cause I remember everyone who does me wrong.”   There’s a pause, the threat lingering in the air. He gulps and glances over. “Would you look at the time?! It’s almost midnight! We should go to bed. Got an early morning tomorrow! No more talking! Goodnight, dumbo. Sweet dreams.”   “Are you going to let me go?”   “Shhh…..” He shushes you, and when you mumble a ‘goodnight’ back, he smiles.   Taehyung eventually drifts off. You listen to the way his breathing softens and steadies, noticing how his chest rises and lower with snores. His grip eventually loosens, though he still hugs onto you. The furrow of his brows relaxes when he knows you’re still with him.   It takes time, but soon you’ve also become sleepy enough, drowsiness taking over and pulling you halfway through consciousness and dreams. In this state, the day’s events sink into your bones, muscles, and mind.    You don’t think it’s normal to hold hands or to share a bed like this with a friend, even if it’s a childhood friend. At least not like this.   The way he holds you is intimate, nearly encompassing your entire frame. You never realized how broad his shoulders were, no longer that of the child that you once knew. Taehyung’s body is warm, his presence pleasant to be beside and making the darkness much less intimidating.   Whenever you squirm away, he unconsciously gets closer, and you find yourself smiling.   While you might not know a lot, it’s clear that it’s not normal to be in a position like this with someone who’s merely a friend. But Taehyung’s more than that. Maybe you just never thought about it deeply before. Maybe it’s just always been a part of your subconscious, but you never once put a name to it. Like your emotions that you felt and merely subdued down…   He’s not just a friend. He’s—   You’ve fallen asleep before you can finish your own thought.

[melbee]

Electric Love

CHAPTER 5

David Lee Roth Fanfiction

Oh see, don't ever set me free

I only wanna be by your side

Girl, you really got me now

You got me so I can't sleep at night

- you really got me

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Saying goodbye to Holly must’ve been one of the most hardest things I had to do in my life. I knew that we would see each other soon, as we promised to meet up whenever we both were available, but I realized that she wouldn’t be here for everything, and somehow I would have to survive by myself.

Well not totally by myself...but you get the point. Tears were shed, hugs, a few knocks on the head and final waves as I stood near the window that overlooked the front parking lot of the apartment, as the red Ford drove away into the sun which had begun its descent.

“You know I have these beautiful bay windows over on the other side, since the sun sets over to the west. It’s much prettier.” I heard Lewis voice out as I turned around to look at him smiling, motioning with his hands toward the other room.

I smiled, “Sure, I would love to see it.” I walked over to the windows and peaked at the sun that was steadily falling with every passing second, and realized Lewis was right. It was beautiful. I imagined those right off the beach in Malibu had the joy of watching it in full every evening, and sighed in contentment.

“It’s nice isn’t it? The light beginning to fade.” Lewis said as I felt his presence as he too made his way over to the windows and leaned in a daze.

“Yes, it reminds me of Arizona, those sunsets weren’t so bad..” I said laughing as I envisioned the many times as kids me and Holly would drive out into the desert during the weekends.

“Yes, but doesn’t it get dreadfully cold when it’s finally dark out?” Lewis asked facing me.

I shrugged as I looked over at him, “Well yes, doesn’t it get cold in California?”

Lewis plastered a sinful grin as he giggled, “Honey, quite the opposite..”

I smiled and laughed, as I stood from my position making my way over to the couch. “Oh?”

Lewis got up as well as he stood walking over and begun looking at nearby fabrics left forgotten on the counter, “Well perhaps in Bel air or some shit, but here? In Hollywood? Baby it gets hot.”

A confused looked etched my face, “What do you mean?”

Lewis rolled his eyes and sighed, “Chica, you’ll figure it out one day..”

I gave him a weird smile as I shrugged. While I had no clue what he meant by hot, I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t talking about the weather. It was something else. I felt a chill run down my back at the thought.

“That’s besides the point... I was hoping we could go over some things, projects and sorts. I’ve got quite a few but a recent one I just picked up. I’ve been looking at designs, it’s hard to tell which would look good.” Lewis said as he sighed. I made my way over to him as I fingered the skills and the velvets, and even the.. spandex?

“Spandex?” I said as I grabbed the piece of black and tight fabric, as I heard a giggle come from my left.

“Yes, that was a bit of a client’s request. Rockstars these days...” he said as he looked at it thoughtfully.

“Oh rockstars? I heard you dealt with musicians. Who are you working with now?” I said.

His eyes bugged as his jaw dropped before slapping his face, “LORD! I completely forgot to tell you that over the phone didn’t I? Gosh I’m so stupid!”

I laughed as I shook my head.

He sprung to life suddenly, as he walked out of the room, much to my confusion. I was close to following him until he came back with stacks of what looked like paper cutouts from magazines and posters.

I grazed my hand over the first one. A beautiful tall man, with leggings that hugged every inch of his curves, a plethora of chest hair and a Jean cutout jacket that seemed to sparkle even from the picture. He had fluffy blond hair, and a look that I’m sure would make any girl drop to their knees.

It suddenly dawned on me who this was. “Are you working for..”

“Van Halen? Yes! Isn’t it wonderful. Trust me I was shocked when I got a call they wanted me to make some clothes. I mean.. come on..” Lewis gasped as he started flipping over the different pictures of the guys.

I laughed as we stared at all the different members of the band, Eddie, His Brother and what I assumed was the bass player stood in many pictures. Every time we passed by ones with the blonde haired guy, I couldn’t help but get confused at who that was.

I know I wasn’t exactly the most literate music fan, I couldn’t help my tastes were a bit old fashioned.

“So the blond guy...he’s..” I started to say as Lewis gave me a wild look.

“David Lee Roth? Do you not know who he is?” Lewis gasped standing back in horror.

I looked sheepish as I scratched my arm, “I know a few songs by them.. I haven’t really gotten a chance to listen to them fully.”

“Oh god.. that’s it! Impromptu music sesh’.” Lewis said as he made his way over to a cabinet bringing out an old record player, and opened a cabinet adjacent which was stocked with vinyls of all types. He looked through, as I made my way over to him, before he gasped and grabbed the first album to come out.

“Van Halen 1. No bullshit just straight up rock n roll.” Lewis said as he put the track on as a familiar song came on that I’m sure I heard on the radio at some point.

He beckoned me to sit down on the couch as he grabbed the pile of pictures of Van Halen, nodding his head back and forth to the music. I smiled finally getting to understand the meaning behind the meolodies. Some of the songs were quiet sad, Jamie’s Cryin? It irked me they could play such powerful and rocking music, and the lyrics were much deeper then what they appeared to be.

When Eruption started playing I couldn’t help but gasp, at the sounds that were emitted from the record player. The guitar wailed with power and sophistication. “Wow!” I said to Lewis, who just smiled at my reaction.

“You should here him play it in concert. Holy fuck, Eddie is the cutest little thing with that impish grin, he just plays that shit like he’s washing his car.” He said as he sighed looking at the pictures once more.

“Oh I’m sure..” I said imagining myself at the concert. “Do they play to big crowds?”

Lewis gave me a dumbfounded look before nodding his head vigorously, “Huge! Every single one of them are controlled by those guys, I’m telling you..”

“So what outfits are you making for them?” I asked as Lewis set the pictures down, as he got up.

“All for their shows mostly, specifically for the one coming-“ He paused with dramatic horror as his eyes bugged. “Chica!!! Their show is coming up!”

I gasped realizing he was right, remembering the billboard I had drove past on our way here. I feared the worst at his reaction. Did he not have all the outfits ready?

“Oh don’t worry. I’ve got most of them finished, I’m just finishing the bedazzled sequins on David’s chaps, and Michael’s cowboy pants.” He said as he grabbed my hand pulling me off the couch and into a separate room, that reminded me of a seamstresses room.

“Do you know hand stitching? Or bejewelling by chance?” Lewis asked as he unzipped a hanging bag and grabbed a pair of pants that by my astonishing surprise, were assless.

I smiled and laughed, nodding my head yes. As I rubbed a finger down the material “Yes, I love bejewelling! I always got As in that class in college.”

He grinned grabbing a container of crystals, and some sort of machine that imprinted them into the material. “Well great this bottom half still needs finishing. Also bear in mind that these are swarovski crystals, and I’d love if none of them get lost somewhere.”

My eyes widened as I nodded my head. He quickly showed me how to use the machine, before he made his way over to a pair of cowboy pants, and grabbed slashes of leather. “I’ve got to finish these up. Don’t worry we’ll have it all done quickly. I’ve got my friend Mari from the front desk she used to help me out, but she’s going to be help us on Saturday to load everything up to the venue.”

“Oh I met her at the front desk. She’s very nice!” I said laughing as I begun placing the crystals on the pant carefully.

“Oh she’s wonderful, poor thing won’t go to the venues anymore though...” Lewis said sighing.

“Oh really, why?” I asked. Curious if it had any thing to do with her bold words when she warned me about rockstars earlier.

“Poor thing, her heart got broken.” He said clicking his tongue, as I heard the sound of snips and tears as he worked.

“Oh.. By who?” I said.

He suddenly stopped as he gave me a look, “David.. He.. well I guess you could say they had a falling out. He wasn’t really interested in her, but she was completely in love.. I think he kissed her and well..”

“Dissed her?” I said as I frowned going back to my work.

“Yes, something like that. He played with her emotions a lot and well, she’s never been able to see him again.” Lewis said as he sighed.

“Is that why she was so stand offish about your clientele?” I asked

I looked over to see Lewis nodding, “She wanted to quit helping me out, but I told her she needed to find a way to balance her life again and so this is the only solution. That’s why I needed a new assistant. I can’t just pay someone to walk the outfits to the car and leave.”

I nodded in understanding, but what confused me, is why Mari would be so heartbroken she couldn’t even do her job properly. What exactly did that guy do to her? I hadn’t even met him yet, and he already sounded like an asshole.

“David’s very.. peculiar. He’s very eccentric, and sometimes that makes him a little insensitive at times. However, I think he means well for the most part. It’s understandable, ever since his claim to fame he would be more egotistical.” Lewis said as he continue to cut through the pieces of leather and sowed them onto the jeans.

I nodded my head in understanding, but I still didn’t believe that was a good enough excuse. Was he that clueless enough to not be careful with manipulating someone’s emotions? Something didn’t sit right with me, but I chose to ignore it until I got a better judgment.

“So what are the other guys like?” I asked Lewis, slightly humming to myself as I felt an onslaught of exhaustion hit my face as I realized that the road trip had definitely taken a toll on my body.

“Oh they’re lovely..wild... crazy as ever for sure..but a lot of them have different personalities.” Lewis said as I turned to him.

“Oh yeah?” I smiled.

Lewis laughed, “Yes, well Michael Anthony—he’s the bass player by the way— he’s a lot more calmer then the rest and very sweet, but so funny. He’s got a great smile.”

“Both the Van Halen brothers while they might be similar, they are polar opposites in a lot of ways. Eddie’s a bit more quieter, but is so cute and charming. Al is a bit wild, but he’s funny, and has a good time.” Lewis said.

“So you know them on a personal level?” I asked, realizing how familiar Lewis spoke when referring to Van Halen, and I had a hinting suspicion he was closer to them then what he put on.

Lewis laughed nodding his head, before shrugging. “I got the call almost a year ago that they wanted costumes, and I guess they liked my work so I continued. I’ve been to lots of there shows over the year, and their parties.”

I gasped, wondering how fun hanging out with celebrities would be. “Did you get to travel?”

Lewis smiled and nodded. “The best part was probably getting to go to Japan for a couple days, and a night in Sweden. I’m telling you they must ditch all the ugly people to Norway, because EVERYBODY was so attractive.”

I laughed, trying my best to picture the scene in my head.

We continued on for hours until I was just about finished, and my eyes were starting to fall from exhaustion.

Lewis noticed my tiredness and smacked his arm much to my humor. “Jeez, I’m a totally idiot! I totally got sidetracked! You must be dead tired right now.” He had finished his pants and was now cleaning up. he stood up and walked over to me signaling for me to get up.

I stood up smiling and laughing, “Are you sure I can’t help finish this last bit? I’m almost done.” I said holding my hand to my mouth as a yawn passed my lips.

Lewis frowned making a tsking sound, before grabbing my hand and leading me to my room. He turned on the light, and pointed to an adjacent door. “There is a bathroom in there, and a closet to the left side of the wall. Help yourself with a shower if you want, just don’t be in there too long. The neighbors upstairs run an indoor ‘kiddie’ pool, or some shit..”

I smiled suddenly getting the urge to hug him, so I did. Patting his back thoughtfully, before pulling away. “Thank you Lewis, truly.”

Lewis smiled, before grabbing my cheeks and squeezing them. “That’s what friends are for.”

I smiled, as he walked away before standing at the doorway giving me a happy smile. “I’m so glad you’re here, Rosie.”

I laughed, “I am too.”

“I want you to know that no matter what happens or where you go in life, I have full belief that you will excel in life. I see the passion for designing in you. It’s a wonderful thing.”

I blushed tucking my hand over my ears. Lewis beamed tapping the door softly with his hand, his rings making a solid thumping sound. “Goodnight. We will be up early tomorrow, I’ve got some of Van Halen’s tour designers coming to get the clothes ready for fitting, before the show. Mari will be here on the following Saturday.”

I nodded my head sighing loudly. “Sounds exciting. Goodnight.” With that Lewis closed the door silently, leaving me to breathlessly plop my body onto the bed, a slight creaking noise resonating through the quiet atmosphere.

I held my head in my hands, before looking up in exasperation. “Well I guess I’m fucking doing this thing.”

With that I prepared myself for the day ahead, that I had no doubt would be as eventful as they come.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

When morning came, I was ill-prepared from what would meet me through the front door.

Sure, I assumed that Lewis had a few designers he worked with and maybe they would bring in a rack of clothes, possibly some bags to help transfer them, but I had no idea the size of what the operation really was going to be.

So when a flank of men and women combined dressed in suits, and skirts came in with clothing racks of various styles of pants, shirts, and even scarfs I knew I had not prepared myself enough.

Lewis smiled brightly as the people came in, as I watched as a smaller figured girl holding a box of fabrics, with pretty brown hair struggle to keep up with the pace. I sprinted over to her, grabbing onto the other side to help her pick it up.

“Here I let me help you.” I said with a huff as I picked it up, much more effortlessly then I anticipated.

“Ooh!” I heard a cry come from the other side as we walked backwards over to a table and set the box down. I walked backwards to see the girl raise her eyebrows questioningly at me.

I smiled as I wipe my slightly sweaty palms on the side of my jeans as I raised an arm for her to shake. I could see hesitance in her eyes before she gave me a small smile and shook it.

“Hi, I’m Rose.” I said laughing as I stood back awkwardly. I couldn’t tell if she liked me or not from the odd look on her face as she stared.

She suddenly gulped as she nodded her head quietly. “I’m Annie.”

I smiled nodding my head. “Nice to meet you Annie. So, I assume you work with all these people?”

She shrugged shoving her hands into her pockets, “Yes well, it’s a way to meet ends. I love fashion.”

I laughed and smiled, but couldn’t help but turn at her odd comment. If she loved it so well, why did she say it as if she would rather be doing something else?

Her eyes glazed over, as I sucked in my cheeks at the awkward silence.

“Oh there you are!” Lewis said as she grabbed my shoulder, and looked over at Annie.

As if she was a brand new person, Annie suddenly smiled so brightly. “Hey Lewis!”

He laughed grabbing her into a hug, as she giggled wrapping her arms around him. I couldn’t help but frown slightly at her sudden bold and excited nature around him. Did she not like me? Why was she so cold and hesitant, but suddenly a new person around Lewis?

They pulled away from the hug as Lewis noticed my odd look, but decided not to comment on it. “Well it seems you guys met.”

I smiled looking over at Annie who had quieted down to only a small smile. The original glint in her eyes slightly coming back as she set her gaze back on me.

I laughed trying to cheer up the awkwardness, “Yes we have. Wow! I didn’t know this was all going to be as formal as it was!” I said trying to change the subject.

Lewis shrugged as he surveyed the busy room. “Believe me it wasn’t always like this, but we’ve all built up ourselves a lot over the past year. We’re closer then ever.”

I smiled, as he motioned for me to follow him into the room we were in last night working on the outfits. “So as you know this is my work room. We do most of the making here, and we also organize the clothing for before and after the fittings.”

I nodded my heads as the people from before stop there chattering as they all looked at me with curious expressions.

Lewis laughed, “Okay guys don’t bite. This is Rosie, my new assistant. She’ll be helping with all our preparations.”

The room immeasurably lifted as they all came walking over, a few girls laughing as they pulled me into a hug. Complimenting my hair and whispering how pretty I was.

One of the guys with a bright smile walked over embracing me tightly. “Lewis, you’ve got yourself a keeper.” He winked.

Lewis rolled his eyes trapping me in a playful arm lock, “Channing, she isn’t up for sale.”

His eyebrows quirked, “Really? So my man finally likes the front hol-“

Lewis turned tomato red, as he slipped his hand over Channing’s mouth. He laughed putting his hands up in mock surrender, as Lewis still recovering from his blush as he shook his head.

I giggled in understanding. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but many men in the fashion world tended to be, a bit blatant in their...preferences? I had a slinking suspicion that Lewis was the same way.

They all backed away, as I saw Annie who had been behind us quietly make her way over to the girls as they all began surveying the work.

“Wow! These chaps look great!” One woman said as she grazed her finger down the side of the seams.

Lewis winked at me, grabbing my hand and brought me over to the table where the clothes lay. “Well I happened to know a girl.”

The woman smiled, and looked at me in surprise. “The cross-stiching at the ends are impeccable! The crystals are placed wonderfully.”

I laughed as I shrugged, “It isn’t too complicated.”

She rolled her eyes playfully, “You’ve got in you girl. Id love to see some full ensembles.”

The other girl with red pigtails that reminded me of Holly giggled, “Yes, those outfits would for sure sell some more tickets to the concert.”

They all giggled in response except for Annie who only smiled, as her eyes glazed over in a thoughtful look.

“David’s going to love them. I just know it.” The woman said as she grabbed a hanger and clips from the rack as they all begun ensembling the outfits into bags and secured them.

“Oh he’s going to just love her, Molls” The One with red hair, said as she winked at me. “Have you met the boys yet?” Her eyes glinting with curiosity.

I simply shook my head, crossing my hand over my chest. “No, I haven’t gotten the chance. However, I’ve heard a few of the stories.”

“Yeah well, trust me they aren’t as available as you think they are.” I heard the quiet voice of Annie ring out as she stepped away from the rack.

Oh. I had wondered what her hesitancy was. Did she see me as some threat? I didn’t have the slightest idea as to why, though. I had no intention of even getting to know them, rather then actually..

Molly sighed sympathetically patting Annie’s back. “Babe, I just don’t think-“

“I don’t really want to talk about my personal life. I’ll bring some of the stuff down to the car.” Annie said with a tight lipped smile as she walked away.

The red head, noticed the tension and smiled, “Rockstars will surely be the end of all of us.”She walked over to me grabbing my shoulders. “I’m Liz by the way.”

I nodded, “Nice to meet you, Liz.” I looked over to the woman who had a small frown over her face. “You too Molly.”

She snapped out of her haze and gave me a wide smile. “Anytime, girl. We’ll be seeing each other soon.”

We heard thundering footsteps come into the room, as I looked over recognizing that it was Lewis, who must’ve slipped out the back while we are all talking. This time his signature smile was gone, as a deep perturbed looked etched his face.

“What’s wrong?” Molly said as she gave Lewis a concerned look.

“I just got off the phone with Noel. They’re all hungover as hell, right now. Apparently they all pissed somebody off at some bar.”

Liz snorted, “okay, that’s their regular Tuesday. What about it?”

Lewis sighed as he shook his head, “No, it was someone important I guess in the industry. Anyways, they’re kind of off the rails a bit still, at least David is. They had to put him in a..” Lewis then seemed to be battling his smile, as he bit a lip.

Molly gave him a humorous glance. “What?”

Lewis began laughing, “They had to put David in a straight jacket.”

I couldn’t help but smile along with the rest of group as we all snorted and giggled, at the idea of a rockstar being put in a straight jacket for being so off the walls.

I hadn’t even met David, and he already seemed like quite a character. What irked me even more is that I felt as if I did know him. I acted as if I was battling whether he was a weird guy, or just a gigantic asshole. I didn’t know what I would do when I met him. However, I knew it wouldn’t be a boring conversation.

I pictured the man in the magazine articles, his hair wild, like a mane of a lion. He had such a lustful look in many of his doctored, professional looks. However, I couldn’t help but admire the ones with him performing. That wild look, the giant smile, something told me deep down that, that was the real David. Under all the glitz and glamour, there was just a man going after one big dream.

I finally looked back at the people to realize only Channing, Liz, and Lewis had stayed in the room. I watched them all converse animatedly as Channing brought out a notebook and was hastily writing things down. They all seemed to be conversing about the outfits, as they all waved their hands widely with deep expressions.

I smiled realizing I had finally found my people. True artists. I walked over to them, as they wrapped up their conversation.

Channing smiled embracing me in a hug, “It was nice meeting you, Rose. I’m already counting the days till our next partnership.” He said as I kissed my hand, with a suave look in his eyes.

“Okay Romeo, back off.” Liz said as she laughed grabbing me in a hug. “We’ll be seeing each other in a couple days.”

“Really?” I said as I looked over at Lewis. He smiled nodding his head.

Lewis gave me a knowing look as he winked. “Chica, we’re seeing Van Halen. And I’ve got backstage passes.”

They all began to laugh as the day seemed to close with that single thought.

I was going to meet Van Halen.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

[lucindarobinsonvevo]

Good News This Week for Fans Of Eerie, Indiana Who Just This Week Put Out Their Long Time Unreleased Album ‘Broken Record’  

“We had no idea we were making a controversial record when we made it.” Band member Simon Holmes said this week, in an interview about the release of Broken Record, “I was just writing about my experiences. I guess my life was controversial.”  “I always felt like Simon never got enough recognition.” Admits the band’s front man Marshall Teller, “So when we made Broken Record I told promotion that it had to be equal this time, not like the mess that was promotion for JSNTF. When they decided not to put the album out, it felt like the label was just twisting the knife.” (note: JSNTF is Just Say Not To Fun was the band’s previous release) “Of course, then we had to throw something together from cut tracks and other bits we had lying around. I was never happy with the quality of America’s Scariest Home Videos. 

Broken Record was mostly forgotten for two decades before the band’s third member and later addition to the band, Dash X, was asked about it on an Instagram Q&A (of all things) when responding to a question from a long time fan he revealed that the band’s entire back catalouge had been destroyed by the label in an ‘accident’ and chances of release were ‘minimal’ unless ‘the bastards who keep leaking our tracks want to give us a copy’. Indeed, hard core Eerie, Indiana fans will know that various tracks from Broken Record have been making their way through fan groups for the last two decades since the initial recording. How they got there is difficult to say, though some sources claim that ‘Weird Kids’, ‘Tension’ and ‘Bigfoot is Real’ were all set to be singles and sent out to radio stations, and others claim to have taken them straight from work tapes of the record. One enterprising fan claims to have traded rare Taylor Swift tracks to someone who gave them a copy of ‘Ousted’, which they then shared on Periscope. 

Of course, how this release came about is as strange a story as one might expect from a band who released a concept album about being hypnotized into hating fun. Long time collaborate of the band, Janet Donner was apparently looking for pictures of her girlfriend and band mate Melanie Monroe (Both were considered part of the Indiana Six) in her storage locker with Teller when they came across a box marked ‘Marshall’s Junk’ inside was a variety of old ‘memorabilia’ from the era where all six projects were active at once. Among the junk was an old work tape of the first time the group recorded the album’s centerpiece ‘MMNH’, sheet music for several other tracks, and a large binder promotional material, lyrics and old photographs. Seeing that they now had the last remaining copy of any track off the album the band decided to get together and re-record it as a special gift to their fans. ‘Janet is a bit of a character. She hates to throw away anything to do with work, but she’s utterly ruthless when it comes to her personal life. She’s got three storage containers full of junk, and a house where she won’t even hang up artwork.  We used to tease her, but I guess it paid off in the end.” Teller said of the find

But what of the album itself? Well, the overall sound is like no other Eerie, Indiana album that’s for sure. Despite all their changes and use of multiple genres, one thing always held every E,I record together and that was Teller’s skillful guitar playing. Complicated riffs, long solos and difficult to reproduce life performances were a staple of the group, but almost utterly absent on this record, but not gone entirely from the tracks meant to be released as singles where the pop flavouring the band usually has remains undiluted. 

The most stand out track on the record is MMNH, which is sung by both Teller and Janet Donner, who take on the role of a dysfunctional couple arguing over the top of a beautiful piano track. The liner notes say that this fight is based on the arguments of Holmes’s parents and the personal digs that they take at one another are extremely niche and telling of that. While there are certainly no lack of tracks were Teller takes an emotional, confrontational stance with his singing, here it sounds much more refined and serious than he did at the time this album was originally recorded. Donner takes her voice an octave higher than her usual singing, and comes across as loud, and shrewd, at one point breaking down into tears while still singing. Conversely, Teller only gets louder, and angrier as the song progresses to a peak around the seven minute mark where his voice cracks, he stops and Donner sobbing is the only sound on the tape for minute afterwards. It’s an uncomfortable listen, to say the least, but the performances are perhaps some of the best in the career of both singers. The worktape version of the song is five minutes longer and very clearly an extremely early pass. Throughout the recording, someone, probably Donner, is wearing very loud, jangling jewelry. There are several long pauses on the track of Holmes at his piano, contributing a rare vocal performance of background vocals, which were cut from the final track. At the end, you can hear Holmes say cut, and Teller comforting Donner, who insists she’s fine just emotional. The track is experimental and clearly emotionally taxing, just like the rest of the album. While I wouldn’t have put it so close to the other most emotional track on the album, Broken Record, it’s certainly a one of a kind experience. 

Broken Record, the tile track, is also an extremely emotional track, but personally I think would have qualified the album and the track for grammys. The track is written and played solely by Holmes, the only track of it’s kind in the entire Eerie, Indiana cataloge that was released, though there are rumors that there were more Holmes led tracks that he personally refused to release due to dissatisfaction with his singing voice. The track is a ballad, performed with a guitar, and is essentially a letter to Holmes’s brother, Harley. He sings through the run time, apologizing for not being able to not protect him enough. In the gentle climax of the song, he professes to feeling like a broken record, apologizing and apologizing and feeling like he’ll never say it enough. This track too is a deeply emotional listen, and extremely sad. At the time the song was written, Harley Holmes was in a military academy after getting into to much trouble in the small home town of the bands two founding members. Truly, Holmes has a nice singing voice, but it’s imperfections make the track all the more compelling in my opinion. Thankfully, one quick look at his Instagram account shows that his relationship with his brother seems to be a happy one. The leaked version of the track is not notedly different to the released version, other than it’s remarkably low quality (probably from years of being traded as an MP3 through various fan emails), and sounds far sadder than the version released now that Holmes’s relationship with his brother is doing better. 

Of course, the track-list is not devoid of the usual Teller-isms one finds on an Eerie, Indiana album. The supposed first single ‘Bigfoot is Real’ is a spot of real sunshine on a very bleak track-list with your usual flavour of complicated riffs. The song is devoted to celebrating the friendship between the two leads, who met as children and in their own words were ‘kind of obsessed with proving that their hometown as weird’. It’s a fun, fast paced moment of happiness on the album. 

Ousted, the final leaked track is a song with steel drums leading the charge. Though Teller is once again the singer, he’s clearly just the mouthpiece for Holmes, who sings about being ousted from his home life with his parents and moving in with Teller’s family. While it seems like it might be another sad song, it’s actually a loving song about finding family and non-typical family structures. The opening samples a recording of the actual court appearance where the Teller family was awarded full custody of Holmes by a judge. The liner notes suggest that this was recorded by Teller illicitly because he wanted to remember the day ‘Simon became my brother for real.’ Like the band’s final effort, Reality Takes a Holiday, Broken Record is a one two punch sort of record where the theme you think you’re going to get isn’t quite what you get. Yes, Broken Record is about the disrupted home life of Holmes, there’s a lot of love in the happier tracks. Weird Kids, Inbetween Tweens and Bigfoot is Real are all about being loved and accepted by your friends, and the deeply rooted friendship between Holmes and Teller. It ultimately becomes a record about finding a home and a family who love and accept you for you. 

Dash X is largely absent on the album, though he is the guitar player on the intermission track, but since he was not a member of the band during the initial recording, and he is busy with his current job as a voice actor there is seemingly not a lot of use for him here. Not to say he doesn’t pop up on some tracks, there was an entire extra verse added to High Strung for him where his raspy, gravelly voice adds a new layer of sound and texture to an otherwise cutting floor worthy track. Another track that feels like a miss is Under Foreign Stars, which is a Teller penned track about feeling alone in a new town that belongs on Foreverware, or an early demo tape far more than it belongs here. 

The liner for the album contains the lyrics, and a lot of previously unseen photos apparently taken by Donner of Eerie, Indiana in the studio recording in all era’s of the band’s existence. Including an extremely rare picture of PDA between X and Teller, who were closeted at the time. When asked about the owner of the broken collarbone features on the back of the album, Holmes revealed that it actually belongs to Melanie Monroe, and that it was technically because of her that the album was re-recorded they wanted to pay homage to her and use an old x-ray of hers instead of the one that was featured originally, apparently a broken arm belonging to Teller after disregarding the instructions of a waterside. 

When asked if this means that Eerie, Indiana was reuniting, Holmes said that they were not, this was currently a one of project to say thank you to their fans. “Eerie, Indiana fans have always been such great supporters of our individual careers, we wanted to give them something new. But there’s always hope about Eerie, Indiana putting out new music. Who knows. Watch this space!” 

[purplesurveys]

1005

Do you live with your parents?  Yup. Will probably continue to do so for a while, but that’s the norm here. We don’t really move out by the time we turn 18.

Are there any embarrassing school pictures of you anywhere in your house? Not necessarily here in the house, but I have embarrassing middle school photos floating around the internet for sure. And maybe from high school, too.

Can you do a backflip, or anything else of that sort? Not at all. I liked to try doing handstands as a child but nearly broke an arm at one point, so I wouldn’t fare well with a backflip.

What moment in your life have you been most scared? A few men have lunged at me while I was simply walking in public at night. I always have this grand vision of me slapping a guy or kicking his balls or spitting on his face if one decides to act stupid or harass-y around me, but... you’re never really prepared for when it actually happens. I’ve frozen up in terror every time, unable to defend myself. 

Do you have any exes you can't stand anymore? I can’t stand how she handled things, but I’m not capable of hating her.

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? I don’t feel like getting into the details, sorry. Everything still sucks.

Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I take them. The few questions I manage to come up with have usually already been thought of, so I just like subscribing to survey-makers who are able to come up with new and interesting questions.

What would your parents do if you told them you were pregnant right now? They’d be sorely disappointed and I’m expecting to be heavily interrogated as well. Suffice it to say I’d be unwelcome at home in an instant.

Have you ever actually thought you were pregnant? No.

Were you? I’ve never been pregnant.

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? I’m on my phone for entertainment purposes, and my laptop is for work. I’d say I’m able to strike a good balance with both.

Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? Well I haven’t learned how to cook well yet, so I don’t really have a choice.

How old do you think you'll be when you move out on your own? Mid- to late 20s, I hope.

Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? Currently, I’m an intern at a public relations agency but yes, I’m actively looking for full-time gigs too. I love my work though.

Have you ever ripped your pants in public? I don’t think so.

Do movies such as 'Saw' and 'The Grudge' scare you easily? Sure, but not as much as other horror flicks. It’s the psychological, slow burn ones that really get to me, like Midsommar.

Who do you talk to the most on MSN? I don’t have that.

How many best friends do you have? What are their names? I know I have at least one best friend, Angela. I’m too scared to ask if Gab still considers me as one. How sad is that?

What's the craziest thing you've ever been dared to do? I don’t like dares.

Did you do it?

Do you know anybody who has a birthday today? Hmm November 1...I don’t think so. The only birthday coming to mind is my cousin’s, but that’s not until the 3rd.

When is your birthday? How old will you be? April 21. On my next one, I’ll be 23.

Do you change the radio stations repeatedly in the car? If all the stations seem to be have meh playlists going on, then yes I change it around a lot.

Can you drive? Sure.

Have you ever thought someone was talking to you, but it turned out they were on the phone? Did you play it off? I can’t remember any specific instance at the moment but I’m not ruling it out. What I’ve definitely done is to wave at someone who wasn’t even waving at me.

Do you feel bad for homeless people? Yes, unless they got in that position by being an asshole. But I generally don’t come across that type of situation; and for the overwhelming majority of the time I do feel bad and helpless seeing homeless people, especially homeless kids.

What do you consider to be a good grade? 95 and above (for grade/high school) or 1.00/1.25 (for college).

What do you consider to be a bad grade? 85 and below or 2.00 and above.

Have you ever had a teacher who hated you? So many from my old school did. They were grown adults being pissy with a 12 year old; I will never understand that. They got away with it before but times have changed now, and I’m glad it’s for the better.

Can you remember who your grade 5 teacher was? Did you like them? Yeah. She was just fine, but I remember her having a bit of a temper. She’s mostly forgettable though and doesn’t rank in my favorites.

What's your favourite TV show? Breaking Bad.

In your opinion, who is the best looking celebrity out there at the moment? I’m incredibly out of the loop these days, so I’ll just go with my own biases: Kristen Stewart and Kate Winslet.

Do you like peanut butter cookies? Sure do. I do think there are better snacks that peanut butter can be incorporated in, but I wouldn’t turn down peanut butter cookies.

Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? Yeah, Angela with alcohol and Kate with eggs, fried chicken, and seafood. We feel particularly bad for Kate; those three things are all awesome :’(

Do you have an iPod? How many songs are on it? At the peak of my usage I probably had around 200-300 songs in it.

Who was the last person you slow danced with? I didn’t really do it with Gab a lot but I know she was the last. Kaye’s debut in 2017 if I remember correctly. There was a segment in her debut where couples were given the chance to slow-dance, but Gab and I decided against it because we were for sure going to get some looks, and we didn’t want to steal Kaye’s thunder. But she was so sweet to encourage us herself to go to the dance floor and have our moment amid all the straight couples that were there.

What was the last song you listened to on repeat? It was probably Why We Ever, as always. The lyrics are my entire thought process, so it’s a source of comfort knowing a song that understands me and my current situation so well.

What's your favourite song at the moment? I don’t have one.

Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones’ quality is great, but wearing them for too long ends up hurting my ears.

Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? I don’t ride our buses. Bus drivers here drive like madmen and don’t maintain their vehicles, meaning there’s no AC, it’s super cramped, and the seats are probably nasty as crap; and while I would be willing to ride the more premium bus services that we also have, I never really had a reason to considering I have a car and driving on my own has always been more convenient.

How do you get to school? I rode a school bus from grade school to high school. I drove myself in college.

Speaking of school, do you like it or hate it? Loved it for the most part.

Are you a social person? I mean I don’t think ‘social’ defines me as a person, but I definitely can be it. I like being around people.

Are you reliable? Yes. I don’t like being unable to meet tasks or deadlines or expectations so I always find a way to get a job done.

What person/people of the opposite sex do you trust the most? Not sure if there’s such a guy at the moment.

What person/people of the same sex do you trust the most? My best friend.

Do you say 'like' a lot? Haha yeah, especially verbally.

What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? Midnight Sun. It’s great so far but it’s literally just like reading Twilight (because it is literally Twilight except told in Edward’s POV), which I’ve reread a handful of times, so my progress has been painfully slow. 

Do you buy CDs anymore, or just download the songs? I stream on Spotify then watch the music video on YouTube, if it has one.

What is your favourite beverage to have in the morning? Coffee. Slowly turning into a morning coffee person, y’all.

Do you scream out the answers will watching game shows on TV? If I know the answer, yeah. I just blurt it out though, not scream.

Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? I can think of one such person but apparently that sentiment is no longer reciprocated, and I’m now also thinking if it ever even was reciprocated to begin with.

Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? At this point, no. That entails so much patience, a lot of commitment, a suitable living situation, and honestly in most cases a lot of money as well...it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone will be capable of having those things and it takes a certain kind of love and home for kids like them to be raised in the best way they could possibly be raised.

Do you have a brother or a sister? If so, are you close with them? Yeah. I’m close with my sister but not in a she’s-my-rock kind of way. We just get along super well.

If you are an only child, do you ever wish you had siblings?

When was the last time you were with all of your best friends? February.

Do you ever go into photobooths? Sure.

Do you waste money on unneccesary things? Hahahahahahaha please don’t remind me

Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? No thanks. They can stay in the wild, where they can thrive.