#things feel so overwhelming and upsetting right now but i know one day ill have moved on from this

[backfliips]

one day im gonna live in my own house with my own yard and my own decorations and my own furniture and my own kitchen and surround myself with only the people i want to be with and i’ll be able to sit on my porch and watch the sunrise and the sunset and the seasons come and go and things will be better

[gremlinmodetweeker]

König Rarely Gets Sick, But When He Does...

Inspired by this ask that I was given earlier.

Okay so let's be clear, König grew up in a great home, as mentioned before in this post. He also hated school. So König grew up to absolutely master the art of pretending to be sick. He did the whole 'making fake vomit with oatmeal and orange juice' trick at 5am just to place it around his bed for his mother to find when she woke him up the next morning. I just want to point this out, as one kid with anxiety to another, if you could get out of school as a kid you did (or at least I did because I was a wuss). So, if König just didn't feel up to school on that particular day, he'd pretend to be sick and spend the day being doted upon by his sweet, oblivious and ever-loving mother. He was such a little shit as a kid.

But when König is actually sick, it's a mess. Oh my lord is it ever a mess. He's disgusting. He's a snot and/or vomit factory (almost always both). He refuses to shower or bathe so he gets sweaty and gross and he'll lay in one spot all day, and when you peel him out of it, he leaves a damp patch behind as an unpleasant reminder of his sickness. He's genuinely terrible.

But he's your terrible mess and you need to care for him.

Read below the cut for a more detailed explanation of what König is like when sick.

The worst part of dealing with König is that he can't pretend he's not sick. He used to pretend to be sick, now he tries to pretend he's not and it fails miserably. When König actually gets sick there's no hiding it.

See, König doesn't get the common cold. What he gets are fevers. Bad fevers. There's been a few times that he's had to go to hospital to get his temperatures in check. He's gotten dangerously close to getting seizures because he was so determined to not take care of himself. Thankfully, this only happens at most once a year (two or three if you have kids in preschool) but other than that, he's healthy as a horse.

The thing is, while he's being gross and smelly and awful, he's a big suck for you. He's no longer a man when he gets a fever, he becomes little more than a big wet cat. Absolutely, genuinely terrible. He will flop all over the place like a wet fish and moan terribly. He gets grumpy and angry over nothing, but instead of being in his right mind and having the sense to properly communicate himself, he'll just make bitter comments and curse under his breath as though he never left the barracks. Not at you, mostly at himself. He gets incredibly upset about falling ill and needing the support of others. You'll have to work to keep up his self esteem when he gets sick.

He's a belligerent little bug all the way through. He'll avoid moving like the plague because he knows if he tries to stand that the room will start spinning. He also knows that he can't ask you for everything, so he'll sulk miserably for hours before asking for your help to get up. He is absolutely horrible about asking for your help. At this rate, you'll need to frequently check in on him or else he'll be writhing under the covers when you next check on him. He really doesn't want to overwhelm you, but he takes this to an extreme. He just wants to make things easier for you. He hates being a burden, or at the very least, he hates being weak.

He appreciates the frequent check-ins because he always has something he wants. Maybe a glass of water, maybe a new bucket, maybe even a new book to read. He's a needy man sometimes. Out in the field he has to do everything himself, so having someone there to look after him means the world to him. He'll never be able to thank you enough for what you do for him.

He's a big fan of Vick's Vaporub and slathers himself in Tiger Balm like he's trying to slide through a straw (and yes it's that disgustingly awful). He will often ask for you to apply these balms to him if you can. He also will often put a bit of vaporub under his nose to help keep his nose from chaffing. He absolutely hates how he needs so many tissues. You'll find him sniveling in the middle of the night, covered by a mountain of crumpled tissues piled over empty boxes.

König often ends up making a nest wherever he plops down. If he needs to go somewhere, he's draped in a blanket, carrying his sick bucket, hauling a box of tissues under one arm along with a book, his phone, and anything else he thinks he might possibly need. He leaves a bit of a snail trail of discarded tissues and dropped items wherever he goes. He is a little bit of a pig, really. But you can't be mad at him. If he bends over, the vertigo might make him fall over. He does try to stay neat, but when he's this sick it's hard to be clean.

In the end, the main thing that helps König is you being there. If you're there to keep him clean, change his sheets, feed him broth soups and light meals, he'll be happy. Dote on him with kisses on his forehead and tuck him in when he sleeps. If he's really sick, maybe you can read that history book he's reading for him. If you can do his chores for a few days, he'll pay you back when he can. He cannot possibly express how much he appreciates all you do for him.

He'll give you space if you want it. If you get disgusted by being around sick people, he won't force you to care for him or do something you can't manage, but if you're willing to hold him he'll be elated. He loves being close to you. He loves being pampered by you, and he'll remember these moments fondly. The last time someone treated him so well was when he was sick as a little boy. Having you here and caring for him makes him feel safe in a way he hasn't felt in decades.

[0310s]

gently, by your side | jaehyun

members: myung jaehyun x gender neutral reader

genre: college au, angst, comfort, best friends! to ???, more platonic stuff in this one

tags/warnings: extensive discussions of mental health and chronic/mental illness, y/n is not okay. :(

summary: jaehyun finds you after a bad week.

wc: 2.7k

a/n: this fic’s title comes from this lovely song. as someone who’s struggled with both chronic and mental illness, it really takes someone strong and amazing to keep on going, despite everything. most of the dialogue in this comes from my own musings and experiences with mental health. i wrote this for a dear mutual of mine! i hope better days will come for you soon, whenever that may be. meanwhile, i hope this gives you comfort when things are tough! sending lots of love <3 

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

5 days ago 1:28 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

(y/n) we haven’t seen each other in such a loooong time imy :(( i mean i KNOW it’s just been a couple of days since we last hung out but still!!!!!!! when are we seeing each other again !!!! tell me ur schedule QUICK !!!!

4 days ago 6:33 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeeyyyyyyyyy (with the intention to hang out) heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy reply to meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! tell me when ur free pls i miss u :((

3 days ago 11:58 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

hey i didn’t see u at the party today i thought u said u were going last week!!!  also i asked around and people said they haven’t seen u around recently??? and they don’t know what ur up to

2 days ago 2:05 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeyyyy ?????????? did i do smth?????  or are u just really busy w school and work idk either way pls just let me know :(( i won’t bother u if ur rlllyyy busy

10:35 PM sorry if i’m being annoying btw

Yesterday  11:32 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

ok i thought about it reaaaaaallly hard and i don’t think i’ve done anything to make u mad or upset w me??? well aside from that time last last week that u got mad at me for accidentally messing w ur computer and deleting ur work files WHICH IM LIKE REALLY SORRY FOR but i fixed it!!!!! i thought we were good alrd!!! are u still mad at me 4 that ?

1:00 AM (y/n)?

1:28 AM idk  i thought i was ur best friend :(( did smth change???

2:47 AM pls pls reply :(( i know we can talk this out i don’t want us to not be ok

Today  3:00 PM 🐶 cutie puppy i’m coming over.

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

Sitting up from your bed, your heart thuds in anxiety as you quickly scroll through your chat history with Jaehyun. Your eyes hurt and your brain feels especially foggy, like you’re looking at the world through a particularly cloudy lens. How long did you sleep? The last thing you recall was working on your assignments last night, then choosing to sleep instead when you got overwhelmed. Even then, you slept fitfully. You remember setting an alarm at 9 AM today to continue working, but even as you sat at your desk, you couldn’t type a single sentence on your laptop. Everything felt muddled and it was as if you couldn’t understand anything at all. Even the cups of coffee you drank in desperation was of no use keeping you alert; all it did was make you palpitate.

Then you gave up, went back to bed, and you’re here now. Checking the chat timestamps, you realize you haven’t replied to Jaehyun’s messages in almost a week, which has never happened before—you talk almost everyday, even multiple times a day. Jaehyun’s last message was at 3 PM, when he said he’d come over. One look at your screen shows you it’s already 3:20. If you’ve memorized his schedule right, it takes your best friend thirty minutes to get to your dorm from his Fundamental Maths class. That means you have ten more minutes to get your shit together and clean your mess of a room. 

But right when you’ve mustered the energy to stand up, you hear a series of knocks on your door. That can’t be— “(Y/n), open up, I know you’re in there!” Jaehyun’s voice echoes from outside the door. “I asked your dormmate and she said you haven’t left your room since yesterday, so there’s no use pretending!” Shit, shit, shit! You immediately spring up and hastily fold your blankets and organize your desk, throwing away stray food wrappers and plastic cups. You open your blinds to let some air in, and the bright sunlight makes your head throb even more. 

On your way to the door, you spot yourself in the mirror. There’s no other word for it—you look like utter shit. Your eyebags are dark and prominent, your hair disheveled from tossing and turning in your sleep. You look horrendous, but Jaehyun is persistently knocking on your door, so you have no choice but to fix yourself up as fast as you can. You splash water on your face and smoothen down your hair and open the door—then there’s Jaehyun in all his glory. Your heart clenches seeing him; he looks as handsome as always, his bangs fluffy and soft and his letterman jacket fashionably oversized. He looks nothing like you in your ratty T-shirt with coffee stains and pajama shorts. His hand is halfway raised, positioned to knock at your door (he could and would probably do it all day if he had to). Upon seeing you, he blurts out: “Did I do something?”

Instead of answering him, you open your door wider as an invitation, and Jaehyun takes the hint, stepping into your dorm. Once the door is shut, Jaehyun peers at your messy room and remarks, “Wow. When was the last time you cleaned up? You’re usually not like this.”

You know he didn’t mean it like that, but his comment stings at you all the same. “Sorry, Jaehyun,” you snap, “not everyone can be at 200% energy all the time like you.” At his hurt expression, you backtrack. “Sorry, that was really rude of me.”

“It-It’s fine,” Jaehyun replies confusedly. Then he looks straight at you, eyes pleading. He’s picking at the stray thread hanging from his jacket, a habit you’ve come to known is something he does when he’s nervous. “You know what, I thought about it. For days, really, if I did anything that would make you mad and ignore me. But I couldn’t come up with anything at all. I was really worried when you didn’t reply to me for days on end, especially when we talk everyday. So if I did something, can—can you just tell me? I just want us to be okay.”

Your throat closes up and your heart pounds even faster, making you feel dizzy. You have no idea how to answer him, when all he’s ever seen of you is the perfect student who does everything right, who’s smart and good at what they do without any flaws or exceptions. How would he react if he saw you for who you really were?

The words can’t form in your mouth, and out of frustration at yourself, you tear up. Jaehyun notices this, eyes widening in worry, “(y/n), baby, no, no,” and pulls you into his arms. Almost instantly, the tears cascade down your face and sobs wrack your body. You feel pathetic crying in your best friend’s arms, but Jaehyun just soothes a hand up and down your back as you break down. His other arm is wrapped around your shoulders, and it feels like your anchor when you’re drowning in all your troubles. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he says in a hushed tone, “let it all out.” You grip his jacket even tighter as you bury your face in his chest. 

When was the last time you’ve ever been hugged like this? The last time you’ve ever been truly vulnerable to anyone without that mask of perfection you often don? The last time you felt safe just being yourself? You have no idea. All you know that is in the circle of Jaehyun’s arms, you want to be small and imperfect and yourself just this once.

After your cries die down, Jaehyun clears his throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t know what it is I did, but I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s not you, Jaehyun,” your voice is muffled by both your sniffles and Jaehyun’s chest. You don’t want Jaehyun to get the wrong idea that he’s hurt you in some way because of how broken he sounds thinking he’s done something to make you sad. “It’s just. Me.”

“You? What do you mean?” Jaehyun leads you into your room from the doorway. He’s holding your hand and doesn’t let go even when you both settle at the edge of your bed. His palm is warm and his grip loose enough in case you want to let go; you don’t. While you muster up the courage to speak, your best friend just sits there, waiting patiently. “It’s okay, whatever you say, I’m not going anywhere.” You don’t know that for sure, but him saying that makes you want to be truthful just this once, damn the consequences.

You take a deep breath, focusing on your intertwined fingers. You’re too scared to look at his face because you don’t want to see his reaction. “Jaehyun, what kind of person do you think people see me as?”

“Well…” He takes a moment to think about it. “Someone smart, talented, and who gets stuff done?”

In turn, you let out an resigned exhale. “Well, that’s the image I project. Of someone who’s perfect… someone who does things effortlessly. People think it comes easy to me. But it doesn’t. When people tell me that I didn’t need much effort to get to where I am now, I feel undermined. When I express I’m having a hard time, people brush it off and think I’m just overreacting. Because they think I’m perfect all the time. But honestly…? That’s the farthest thing from the truth."

Glancing up from your hands, you scan your room—your desk is a mess of papers and assignments that you have yet to get to. You can’t tell when the last time you spent time being actually productive when what you’ve been is fatigued out of your mind. When you try to sit at your desk and work, all you feel is difficulty concentrating and processing work and readings. Sleep has also proven to be elusive—no matter how long you lie in bed, you never feel well-rested. Simple actions and decisions require so much energy from you that you undeniably lack. You also constantly compare yourself to others, whom things like these come natural to them. But you’ve kept these feelings of yours secret for a long time—you’re utterly terrified that you’d be undermined for being useless and overly sensitive.   

“(Y/n)?” Jaehyun squeezes your hand, and you turn to meet his eyes. His eyes are sincere and kind. “I-I know I may not be the most empathic person, but I promise I’ll hear you out without judging you. I want to be here for you… and I hope you’ll let me. Please?” 

At this, you spill everything you’ve been feeling the past weeks—months, even—to Jaehyun. You stumble over your words and your breath gets caught in your throat, but he’s there to pat your back and to encourage you to keep going. Without you knowing, tears make their way down your face once again, and Jaehyun uses his other hand to gently brush them away. “It just gets so hard that I want to just. Give everything up. I don’t know what the use of trying so hard is when I see how other people don’t need this much effort to do even the most basic of tasks. It’s just so… unfair.”

When you’re finished with your rant, you don’t know what to expect from Jaehyun—but you’re stunned to see him crying. He’s sniffling and wiping at his eyes furiously. “Why…” You have no idea what he’s about to say, but you brace yourself for the worst. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” he whispers brokenly. “I didn’t know you were having such a difficult time. I feel like such a shitty friend for not even noticing. I’m sorry, (y/n).” Jaehyun’s eyes fill with tears and he starts “I… I thought we were best friends.” The best friends tell each other everything goes unsaid, but you know exactly what he meant.

“I…” You feel awful now for making Jaehyun cry. “You’re just. You just naturally have all this limitless energy. You’re…” Normal. Not like me. “I don’t know how if you were going to take me seriously if I told you what I was going through… There were times I’d see you, and I’d be so disappointed in myself for not being like you. And I was so scared that if I did tell you, I’d be letting you down.”

Jaehyun’s expression grows more miserable at this. “I-I’m sorry, (y/n), I never meant to make you feel unheard. And I never meant for it to feel like you couldn’t tell me about these things.” 

“It-It’s not your fault, Jaehyun,” you protest, but he shakes his head, obviously disappointed in himself.

“No, (y/n), I’m supposed to be your best friend. How stupid can I be if I can’t notice when you’re having a hard time? I didn’t even stop to ask how you’ve been doing because you seemed to be doing fine. But I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have taken things at face value. I’m such an idiot,” Jaehyun berates himself. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

At his sincere apology, you can’t help but admit it to yourself—you desperately needed Jaehyun’s support as your best friend, but you were too scared to ask for it. And honestly? You felt immensely lonely without his words and presence to comfort you. 

“(Y/n), I hope you know that I see how hard you work. I know your sleepless nights and how much effort you put into every single thing you do. Despite everything you’re going through, you’re always trying to be better than the person you were yesterday, and it’s something I truly admire about you. But I hope you know it’s okay to be imperfect and flawed and to not be okay. I want to be here on your good and bad days. I just wish I could’ve been more vocal about this earlier… I’ve really taken you for granted, huh?” Jaehyun sighs wetly, taking your hand in both of his. He’s still crying; you both are, actually. What a silly pair the two of you make. 

“Thank you for trusting me and sharing all of this. It literally means the world to me,” Jaehyun rambles. “I promise I’ll be a better friend to you, someone you feel safe opening up to about anything, whether that be your achievements or your struggles. And (y/n), if it’s not too much to ask… Could I ask you to be more honest with me in the future?” He stares at you imploringly. “I don’t want you to think you have to go through all of this alone. I want to be here for you the same way you’ve always been there for me… Okay?”

“....Okay. Okay, I’ll try,” you respond softly. “Thank you, Jaehyun. I… I’ve never told anyone about this before. But thank you so much for just listening, and not judging, and accepting me for me…” While you appreciate Jaehyun’s presence at this moment, a new wave of fatigue washes over you with all this emotional vulnerability and talking. “Jaehyun… I’m still feeling really tired, so I might go back to sleep. Sorry, I know you came all the way here to see me, but here I am being shit company,” you apologize regretfully.

“Oh! That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jaehyun stands up from your bed to leave. When your fingers slip from each other, you feel an acute loss of warmth—both in your hands and in your heart. He makes his way to the door, slipping on his shoes, and your heart sinks. There’s something you badly want to ask of Jaehyun, but you’re too much of a coward to tell him what you truly want. You don’t want to be on your own right now, but you’d probably be asking too much of him. Accepting your fate, you settle in bed, attempting to take a nap so restless you’re sure will be of no help to your exhaustion.

However, Jaehyun himself stops in the doorway. He turns back around, a distraught look on his face. “(Y/n)... I don’t want to assume, but are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he begins. “I mean, we just had this really heavy talk. Can… Can I keep you company? I promise I’m great at cuddles—that’s what all my other friends say anyway when I annoy them with my hugs.”

When you nod, that’s all it takes for Jaehyun to shuck off his shoes, strip his jacket, and climb into bed with you. With your ear against his steady heartbeat and his comforting arm around you, you’re asleep in no time. It’s the best you’ve ever slept in months.

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N One-Shot Series PRT 26

Tagging:@roryculkinluvr@thatsthewrongwallcraig@icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06@shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver@ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999 @x-prettyboy-x @rorylover71 @auggiethecreator @tempt-ress @blacksoul-27

Jack had woken up the next day feeling like absolute shit. Dr. Carty had told him that he needed to be checked in for a short stay just to get him back on track and Jack reluctantly agreed. He wasn't sure how he could fall so far with all the progress he had made. He knew bits and pieces of what happened last night but it was Dr. Carty who explained to him that Y/n had been with him and left in a hurry not wanting anything to do with him once the doctor had gotten there.

"Do you think I have time to stop by Y/n's and let her know I'll be gone for a bit?" Jack asked standing on the front porch.

"I suppose you could but if she isn't ready to forgive you Jack, don't push her." Dr. Carty pressed as he nodded his head. He walked across the street and knocked on the door, pulling his sleeves down to hide the bandages. Y/n opened the door and stared at him, unmoving.

"Hi." Jack croaked unable to really look at her.

"Um I just wanted to let you know that I'm going in for treatment for a little while. Carty thinks is best to get me back on track since I let some stupid shit take me out-"

"Don't make excuses. You stopped taking your meds because you wanted to punish yourself. Then instead of just taking it out on yourself, you took it out on me." Y/n had no sympathy for him.

"I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to let you know what's happening. I told you I was a lot to handle." Jack reminded her.

"Yeah you did and I still wanted to be apart of your life but you aren't going to use your mental health as an excuse to be a shit person. You don't get to say horrible things to me and just get away with it. You damn sure don't get to put your hands on me and get away with it either." Y/n stepped towards Jack and he stepped down off the porch.

"Did...did I hurt you? I don't remember putting my hands on you." Jack looked her body over and she shook her head.

"Shanda said you didn't remember hitting her either. She called me after talking to your doctor. She loves you a lot." Y/n cleared her throat.

"I would understand if you never want to speak to me again-"

"Oh fuck off Jack. Don't pull that poor pitiful shit with me. You know I'm not going to fall for it." She spat.

"You fucked up because you decided to hurt yourself. Now you need to go and get your shit together. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag ever." Jack heard those words and feared he had actually struck her.

"Have I ruined this? Be honest with me Y/n. Will I have something to come back here for with you?" Jack finally looked up at Y/n and she sighed.

"I shouldn't be what you're worried about right now. You need to go and get your shit together, maybe work on a real apology instead of the abundance of excuses you just showed up with. But most importantly, I want you to get better for you." Y/n seemed sincere and Jack nodded his head.

"I want you to know that I would have never hurt you if I was in my right state of mind. I would have never wanted to make you scared of me." Jack confessed and she nodded.

"I'm not scared of you Jack. I'm scared for you. I want you to control your mental illness, not let it control you." Y/n stepped down into his space.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

"Tell me that again when you've had time to sit with all of it." Y/n looked at his eyes and could see such an overwhelming sadness. He looked lost like he had just woken up for the first time in years. She rubbed her thumb on his forehead and sniffled, like she was trying not to make herself upset.

"Take care of yourself Jack." She turned on her heel and walked back inside. Jack kept his gaze on the door for a few moments before leaving and seeing Dr. Carty standing by his car.

"How did it go?" He asked curiously.

"She told me to go get my shit together and when I get back, we can talk then." Jack rubbed the back of his neck and Dr. Carty shook his head.

"Then we have some work to do. You can't just go to treatment, get your meds right and then come back, you know that right? You have to go through assessment again and see where you're at before we can release you. We have to know you won't hurt yourself or come off your meds again." Dr. Carty explained. Jack knew he fucked up but he didn't realize how badly he fucked up.

The last time he was sent for assessment, they held him for a year. What if they kept him for another year? What if Y/n moved on with her life and he never gets the chance to really apologize to her? What if he just fucked his whole life up for no reason?

"Don't let yourself get overwhelmed by the prospect of having to stay longer than you want Jack. You know you need the treatment, the time and the hands on care. You are no good to come out sooner than what you should if you plan to get back to this life you've created with people you care about." Dr. Carty squeezed his shoulder.

"I know...I just don't want to lose her trying to find myself again. It took me too long to get back to who I was before." Jack looked at his doctor who gave him a sad smile.

"I don't think you are back to that shell Jack. I think you just had a weak moment and we need to take care of that to avoid bigger issues in the future."Jack looked at Y/n's front door again and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Alright Doc...let's get to work." Jack got into the car with his doctor and kept his head down as they drove towards the hospital. Y/n watched the car pull out of the driveway and she finally let herself cry. The last 24 hours was so heavy and she hated that she let herself get so caught up in her feelings for Jack, she forgot that he had struggles just like her.

Later that night, she got a call from Dr. Carty she wasn't expecting.

"I know it's late but we just got Jack settled in for the night and I wanted to get your permission before I fulfilled his request." Dr. Carty said.

"What request would that be?" She asked concerned.

"Jack would like to add you to his emergency contacts. It means I can share his medical updates with you. He has no living family so it would only be you and Shanda. I personally think it would be a good idea since you're so much closer than she is." He explained. Y/n stayed silent for a moment.

"Would you be comfortable with that?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm fine with that...just don't tell him I said I agreed okay?" She didn't want him thinking he was in the clear just because she cared about his health.

"He's going to be okay Y/n. So will you. You're a very strong young lady. I hope you do what's best for your life and I hope that includes Jack." Dr. Carty was so far off book and he knew that but Y/n could hear how much he cared about Jack as more than just a patient.

[foressfaction]

:Ticci Toby:{A Rewrite}

CHAPTER 6

WARNING:: This story contains EXTREMELY triggering topics such as Domestic/Child/Substance abuse, Death, harsh language, GORE and dissociation triggers. This story mentions mental illnesses and disorders such as Depression, PTSD, ADHD, and Tourette's Syndrome. !!TICS MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

Chapter six

Toby got home that night, realizing what he had done to his hands on the way home. They were chewed, bloody. Most of the blood was dry, but it wasn't hard to wash off.

Toby found some old pairs of winter gloves, they were black. He cut the tips of the fingers off, pulling them onto his hands to hide his scarred skin. He mostly wore jackets and flannels so the gloves wouldn't stand out as much. He really didn't want to be bandaged up again.

Lyra came opening his door, looking at him wide eyed. "What's up? I had an odd feeling just now."

"Eh? Oh, I'm fine, just- sitting, yep." he shrugged, tugging his hands into the creases of his elbows.

"Wait, Lyra, I have to ask, why was dad so mad yesterday?" he spoke, now thinking about how his head was healing. A white strip of gauze wrapped around his forehead halfway.

Lyra came in and sat down on his bed, hopping a little as she did so, making the bed bounce. "I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you. I quit my job, and well now we don't have much income."

Toby looked down slightly, kinda upset too. "heh..let me guess, dad did-didn't like that because you we-were the only one making money?"

She nodded. "I couldn't handle the drama, I wasn't getting promoted, I was only getting yelled at, work used to be my only escape from the verbal assault but I just didn't feel safe there." Lyra explained. This made Toby wonder, was Lyra skipping school? She never talked about it.

"You're still going to school right?" Toby asked. This earned a guilty side eye from the blonde girl. "Look- don't tell mom and dad okay? It was just too overwhelming and i had to work and- and-"

Toby grabbed her hand with a weak smile. "it's safe w-with me, why would i tell them? I know how dad would react, and mom would nev-never see the end of it." He looked down, a few facial tics leaving him.

"Let's go somewhere." Lyra randomly suggested. "Anywhere, for a drive, walk, even running doesn't sound so bad, I bet I can beat you in a race." She winked childishly. Despite being five years older than Toby, Lyra was a rather playful person. She was just overall chaotic. All she wanted to do was to make her brother laugh, see him smile. He never smiled much, or when he did it was an awkward smirk.

"Nuh uh, i-im way faster than you, believe it." Toby responded, taking on her challenge.

Lyra laughed stupidly and got up, lightning the mood. "Get your shoes on." She left the room quickly.

Toby got up and pulled on his old converses, they were all dirty and worn out from wearing them for so long. Toby followed the girl who disappeared into her room.

Lyra was putting her hair into a loose ponytail. She had bangs that fell perfectly above her eyes, and side tails that were just too short to fit into the ponytail. Her hair was thick and naturally a yellow blonde color. It was rather messy too, a family trait. She pulled on her own pair of plain white converses. Despite being white, they were still in way better shape than Toby's. Her style was pretty casual for their time, baggy jeans, band T-shirts with flannels or other sweaters layered over. They did live in a colder area so thicker and warmer clothes dominated their wardrobe. Plus the family's poor income only allowed them to mostly thrift all of their things, and stick to the same pair of shoes for years.

It's a good thing they never really grow out of old clothes. Both of the siblings being underweight and pretty malnourished. Lyra keeps Toby in check by doing things like they are now, exercising, without knowing it. Lyra and Toby honestly just liked being active. Staying inside all day was a bummer, and so what if it was 50 degrees out, they weren't going to suffice being bored to death all day.

School or work was the only reason they left the house, sometimes it was good to get out.

••••••

[ask-sibverse]

Can you do a mix of x and y? A flash of anger and tears for td1 and nightmare please?

What is it with everyone and giving me angst? Not complaining but damn. Btw any T1D Reader asks sent for this will be uploaded to AO3, Ill do one big batch Sunday

You absolutely hated how your blood sugars effected your moods. An anxious crybaby when low, irritable grouch when high. You were probably a feast for your boss, Nightmare. Or did he actually feed off his employees? You could never tell...

And yet, here you were again. Blood sugar through the roof. CGM and even your monitor couldn't read how high it was and you couldn't tell if it was coming down. You'd changed the pump site, seemed to be a bad site so maybe things would finally start going down.

But for now, you were high as a kite and feeling miserable. Your head hurt, even thinking about food made you nauseous. Which was making Horror upset because you hadn't eaten anything at all today. Which was making Cross anxious because Horror was stressed. Which meant they both were crowding you and fussing over you.

"JUST STOP!" You yelled, unable to take it anymore. You knew you'd feel guilty for yelling at them both but right now you were too overwhelmed and frustrated to care. You stalked off, looking for somewhere to be alone for a while.

You ended up in the library. Only Nightmare ever used it, so it was empty right now as he was busy with something or other. You curled up on one of the couches, frustration reaching its peak.

You felt the cushions shift as someone sat next to you. "Well someone is certainly having an emotional day today."

You hated this. You hated your condition and how fragile it made you feel. You hate having to rely on pumps and insulin to stay alive, and even magic couldn't fix it. Hot, angry tears rolled down your cheeks as you screamed into a pillow.

"I hate this." Your voice was muffled, face pressed into the pillow. "I hate having to rely on technology to live. Technology can fail like today and make everything horrible and no one can fix me. Magic cant even fix me."

Tentacles wrapped around you, the coolness soothing as you leaned into them. "I know, dear. I am here."

(We've all had days like this, right?)

[chronicallyuniconic]

I cannot remember *how* I did things before..

I can't remember how I used to get out of bed at 6am, brush my teeth, have a shower, dry & style my hair, do my make up, put on clothes & shoes, grab my heavy bag of caseloads & haul it on my back, walk 7 minutes to catch the bus, when at destination I'd walk 14 minutes into work, do my job from 9am to 5pm, during my lunch I used to choose to take the stairs to exit the building, I'd do the same journey back home at 5.30pm, id prepare and cook a meal, I'd eat, I'd do the dishes, I might even get ready to go out for a meal that evening or to go dancing past 1am, get changed again for bed, ready to repeat the next day. On the average day I would walk at least 12,000 steps, even with an office based job.

I used to be able to do all those things when now I can barely manage one of them in a single day. I cannot shower and then dry my hair followed by make up. I can barely make it in time to the bathroom. I cannot concentrate to write this all in one go, let alone handle 15 separate cases of work. I can't walk to the bus stop.

I find I am becoming less of myself.

I really used to enjoy cleaning as a way to clear my headspace at the same time as my home. I'm starting to notice I am struggling so much to clean up after myself and my animals that I immediately feel overwhelmed by any mess, no matter how small. Yes, I will literally be crying over spilt milk (should it occur). I'm getting to a point where i am so upset with a mess I cannot deal with, I am just leaving it there. I can't keep up with it. My heart so badly wants to just be able to do it again, do the things I love & used to live for, I write with tears building in my eyes.

I'm becoming even smaller from these illnesses, I feel I am nothing & noone. Life is just racing past & all I have done is blink with pained breaths. My achievements are null, void, dead. My aspirations are pointless now, I am not the same person. My interests are gone. My hobbies irritate like an itch I can't reach. I am beginning to loathe & resent others happiness, for they can never understand this, nor are they trying to.

It is an incredibly lonely, a dark, isolated place, knowing my body is somewhere else, my brain is floating along unable to get through. I am wandering from room to room like a ghost, no purpose, simply trapped to the house. It is such a lonely time, to not know who you are and what you want, nobody is here or is coming to help. My pains are cast from my ghost like a shadow, wandering right by my side.

[bi-bard]

Sleeping At Last Songs That Would Describe a Relationship with the Murder Husbands - Will Graham & Hannibal Lecter Imagine [NBC's Hannibal]

Title: Sleeping At Last Songs That Would Describe a Relationship with the Murder Husbands

Pairing: Hannibal Lecter X Reader X Will Graham

Word Count: 1,411 words

Warning(s): mention of illness/hospitalization

Author's Note: This was originally going to be a "Midnights Special" so I could have an excuse to write yet another piece of Taylor Swift inspired Hannibal fanfiction.

**Not intentionally written in chronological order**

-------------------------

North

With each year, our color fades. Slowly, our paint chips away. But we will find the strength And the nerve it takes To repaint and repaint and repaint every day.

I had heard stories about people walking into a house and knowing that it was going to be the place where they were going to live forever.

I always thought that it was an exaggeration or a way to cope with buyer's remorse.

But now, as I stepped through the door of my new home with Will and Hannibal, I completely understood the sentiment.

"Wow," I muttered as I looked around. Will was doing the same thing as me.

Hannibal wasn't as stunned. He had seen the place before. He was the one that chose it. He had this planned long before Will and I confronted the possibility of this path being needed.

"I hope you both enjoy it," Hannibal said. "I understand that it can be overwhelming."

"It's gorgeous," I replied.

"I wanted to ensure that we all had our own space to be comfortable in," he explained. "And that there was enough space in the yard. If we were to pick up any strays."

I saw Will's eyes turn to Hannibal before he grinned to himself and looked down. I smiled back.

We spent our first day getting settled. Clothes were placed in their section of the closet. Cabinets were arranged to our liking.

That night, after our time of organizing and cleaning, we sat out on the back patio. It was peaceful. We could look out at the distance and not spot another person or place.

"I know it's only been a day," I said, "but I already love it here."

Will and Hannibal both smiled, each nodding in agreement.

"How long do you think we'll get here," Will asked, looking to Hannibal.

"In an ideal world, I would suggest forever," Hannibal replied. "If you are both okay with that."

"I would love nothing more," I smiled.

I looked over at Will, who looked down and smiled more to himself than anything.

I believed that forever was meant for us.

I'll Keep You Safe

I’ll keep you safe Try hard to concentrate Hold out your hand Can you feel the weight of it The whole world at your fingertips Don’t be, don’t be afraid

I never like hospitals.

While I understood their benefit and their purpose, there was nothing that could shake the unease that would fill my chest at the mere idea of walking through the door.

When Will was taken into the hospital, my mind went into high alert. I imagined every scenario that could possibly go wrong.

Hannibal tried to calm me down, but it was Will. Panicking about him almost felt natural.

Hannibal walked out to the waiting room a while after Will had been brought in. I stood up immediately, walking over to him.

"What's wrong," I asked.

"Will has advanced encephalitis," Hannibal explained.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"It's early," he continued. "However, they have him on a treatment and are keeping him in a medically induced coma."

I nodded. "Can we both go see him?"

"Yes."

I followed Hannibal down the hall until we both stopped outside of one of the rooms. I bit my lip as I walked into the room. The view of Will in the hospital made me feel sick to my stomach.

"Are you feeling okay," Hannibal asked.

"I just... I don't like seeing him like that."

"Seeing anyone we love in a condition such as this would make anyone upset," he replied. "I'll be right back. I promise."

"Hannibal," I called as he made it to the door. "Thank you."

"I'm afraid that I don't know what you're thanking me for."

"For doing the right thing," I turned to look at him over my shoulder. "Getting Will a second opinion. I can only imagine what could have happened if we blindly listened to Dr. Sutcliffe."

"A truly frightening thought."

We shared a look. One that said that I knew his original plan. And he knew that I knew his original plan. I offered a small grin a sign of forgiveness.

He nodded his head at me before walking out.

I spent what felt like an eternity waiting in an uncomfortable hospital chair. I held onto one of Will's hands, running my thumb over the knuckles.

I remember the moment Will woke up distinctly.

I was still in that terrible chair. Hannibal stood next to me. He had placed one hand on my shoulder as he kissed my head. I had grabbed his hand and pressed a kiss to it.

Someone had come in earlier to tell us that all we could do now was wait for him to wake up. That he should have made a substantial recovery. I didn't speak up at the time. I just watched Will breathe.

And then, I saw Will's eyes flickering open.

"Hey," I said softly, moving from the chair to the edge of the bed. I grabbed his hand. He blinked a few times before looking over at me. "There he is."

"Hi," he muttered, clearly a bit out of it.

Hannibal walked around to the other side of the bed. He touched his hand to Will's forehead, grinning a bit.

"Am I okay now," Will asked.

"We hope so," Hannibal replied. Will looked at me as I pressed a kiss to his hand.

There was a long pause before Will managed to ask the question that had clearly been on his mind, "And if I'm not?"

"Then, we'll be here," I promised.

Hannibal adjusted some of Will's hair. "(Y/n)'s right. We will ground you to reality if you feel like you cannot trust it."

Will's hand tightened around mine.

"It'll be okay," I added. "You're going to be okay."

There was a silent understanding.

Hannibal and I were going to make sure that my promise was true. No matter what the required of us.

Turning Page

I've waited a hundred years But I'd wait a million more for you Nothing prepared me for What the privilege of being yours would do

I adored Alana Bloom.

She was one of the kindest and most brilliant people that I had ever met.

It had become somewhat of a tradition for us to meet up for coffee every now and then. It was the only place where we could talk without any pressure of our respective lives. Which seemed to constantly involve a serial killer of some form.

"I have a question," she said one day.

"I might have an answer," I replied.

"I don't know how to ask this without sounding like an ass, but," she trailed off for a second, "how did you, Will, and Hannibal happen?"

"Like how did we meet?"

"Kind of."

"Oh," I mumbled. "You want to know how we got together, right? How we stumbled into what we are now?"

She nodded. "I've known you all for a while. I just don't think I ever heard the story."

"It's not all that different from any other relationship," I shrugged. "I met Hannibal first. He invited me over for dinner a few times and then, he kissed me one night before I left. We both met Will around the same time. I caught on to some things Hannibal was saying. A long discussion later, we decided to talk to Will. We... tested sounds so scientific, but it might be the best word... We tested how it would work between us. And now, we're here."

Alana grinned at me. "And you're all happy?"

"I think so," I nodded. "I... I'm not saying that it's perfect for everyone. However, I don't think I've felt as complete as I feel with Will and Hannibal. It... It feels like it was inevitable. It would've happened no matter what path we took to get there."

I caught this look on Alana's face.

"What," I asked.

"Nothing," she muttered. "That was just really cute."

I scoffed. "Oh, shut up."

"Hey," she reached out and touched my hand. "I'm happy for you. All of you."

"Thanks," I placed my other hand over hers.

I was still thinking about how lucky I had gotten with Hannibal and Will. It felt like I had waited forever for this feeling. I had never felt so at home.

And I would spend the rest of my life being thankful that I got to experience it.

-------------------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

[thestayathomedragon]

WIP Wednesday

“This isn’t my body.” Luis says, a haunted looked on his face.

Leon remains silent. He doesn’t know what to say or what not to say. Luis has been teetering on the edge of something for weeks now and Leon is so afraid that the slightest misstep will send the other man into the abyss.

"As long as neither of you go poking at it…"

“My body… it’s still back there… somewhere. This one I’m in… it’s not mine.”

“Hey, hey… d-don’t think about that.” Leon started.

“Where did you get it?” Luis’s eyes snapped up to pin Leon to the spot. Anything he’d been meaning to say forgotten.

“Luis…” Leon sighed frustrated, and Luis flinched. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Leon, but he had to know. “I don’t understand. What do you want me to say?”

Luis doesn’t know either. So, instead he describes what it feels like. Like ill-fitting clothes. Made for someone else. They cover you just fine, but they never feel right. The fabric is too loose in some places, too tight in others but no one else notices because it still looks the same. But they’re not the one that has to wear it. And the worst part is he can’t take it off. He’s stuck.

Leon apologizes but cause what else can he do?

Luis tells him it’s not his fault. Even though it very much is. That he understands. He really does.

“I missed you too.” He says but he doesn’t know how he knows that.

He doesn’t remember anything after the fight with Krauser besides looking up at Leon and pleading with him to tell him he was a good person and that he deserved to be missed. He’d wanted to ask him then, “Will you miss me? Will you think about me when I’m gone?”

The overwhelming feelings of failure, grief, and desperation practically smothering him.

Would he be forgotten? A ghost to the world. No one the wiser of the fact that he’d ever really existed. But at least to someone he might be worth giving a damn. Even if it was only on the anniversary of one of the worst days of his life, at least Leon might think of him from time to time.

But never in a million years, would Luis have dreamed that Leon would risk so much for someone like him.

“I thought about you every day for two years.”

Luis hid his face in his hands and sobbed. Leon didn’t hesitate to pull him close and held him as he cried.

He had tried so hard to just matter. To prove himself. To leave a mark on the world. Something to show that he had ever existed in the first place.

But maybe he didn’t need the world to remember him after all. Maybe It was better if they didn’t.

“I’m glad to be here with you, cariño. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

[appleatcha]

Its been very, very rough. I can't bring myself to be open with the one or two people I speak to about how bad it is. If you speak to me regularly and see this, well here's my admission of guilt. I'm doing way worse than I let on.

Almost every day for a week now I write messages and record audio messages of me talking about how im really doing. But then I just delete them. I don't see a point in sending them. I feel like it would just feed into my anxiety and stress more.

I've cried at work every day this week. Over stress of life. My son struggling, myself struggling, the house being messy, the cats, it all. My main concern is my son obviously. I put spending time with him and making sure he's taken care of before anything else. But I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm constantly rushing all day. Except at work. At work I sit with nothing to do most of the time right now, and im left to sit and marinate on everything.

My brain is so stress-logged that I've made dumb mistakes at work, forgot to take the trash out for garbage pickup, left my water on top of the car today and ended up breaking my cup when it was launched off my car when I moved, forgot my sons bookbag at home and was nearly late for work rushing to get it to him.

If I let myself think about it, I crumble. And nobody wants to hear it. My friends who grew up with my husband and me aren't close enough to me to care. My husband's close friend just says "I wish i knew what to say".

The place my husband worked and died is right behind the Walmart where we live now. My son and i stopped and went inside the gas station beside it yesterday. The only time I'd been In there was with my husband. When we got back in the car I started to cry.

I feel like people think I should be angry and hateful and not care about him anymore. And I am angry. I do have days I think "fuck you". But its just not that easy. I loved him and I have no clue what was really going on in his mind. I can guess and have feelings but I just will never know.

In a recent video, Peter Monn was talking about addiction and helping people through it and he said "love isn't enough. If love was enough, there wouldn't be 12 step programs or detox programs or suboxone". And something about it just clicked in my head. And I think of my husband saying "this isn't worth being sober". Maybe what he was meaning to say was "love isn't enough."

I'll never know. I don't know if ill ever be able to open my heart to another relationship ever again. Part of me is desperate for it, part of me is desperate to stay away forever.

But the main thing is that my mental health is not great. It's not even this grand loud, chaotic energetic bad like it usually is. I'm not having full on panic attacks, telling my friends about what I'm feeling. It's a silent, calm drowning. Which I can't say I've ever experienced.

I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I could never do that to my son. I want to keep going. It's just really fucking rough. And I don't think people who are getting upset at me not responding or being active really grasp that. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but its such a hard and treacherous path to that light. In my worst moments, I fear there is no light. That its all just ruined. But right now, I don't think that's true.

Its hard to imagine that January or even May were the same year as today. January, celebrating my one year marriage anniversary, working as a housekeeper. March, a housewife knowing something was up with my husband but not knowing what. August, an unemployed widow unsure of what happened, and December, a working single mom who happens to have been widowed, with more answers but also more questions now than I did the day he died.

Trying to take it moment by moment

[pbandjesse]

No word on the house yet. And I feel kind of sad over the prospect of not getting it. But also I do know that if we don't get it, it just means it wasn't the right one. I believe that. But I also am a little impatient and want to know now so I can feel secure either way. Either in the loss of it , or in moving forward with the next steps. It's crazy how quickly this has all been happening but also like. I'm trying not to make it my whole personality. So instead Ill focus on how much I hate day lights savings.

Because it messed me up so bad today!! I didn't sleep to bad but the air was dry and gave me a painful nose and throat. So when I woke up at 9 and was just dillerious and groggy I was just so confused at why I was having such a bad time. I got up to put some water in my nose before I laid back down for a bit. Which is when I saw a text from James that it was day lights savings. And everything made sense. I slept until essentially 1030am. Which means I slept for almost 11 hours. I hate day lights savings.

I would lay in bed for a few more minutes. Until I didn't feel so weird. Then I would get up and get dressed and felt alright.

I had toast for breakfast. From the fancy bread and it was very nice. I was a little frustrated when I knocked over a bottle in the fridge and it fell and hit the top of my foot and I was just overly sensitive today.

I was having a tough morning. I wanted to clean and purge and work on cleaning but I was overwhelmed by basically everything. I tried talking to James but they weren't answering me. And Jess was helping but I was still having a hard time.

I did shake the carpets out. And I worked on cleaning the frog tank a bit. But I really needed to get some fish to come in and help. That would be a goal for later.

I would start to focus on my desk. I was still overly upset and having a tough time but at least I had one thing to focus on. And it was going pretty well until I cut myself on a blade in my one drawer. So after crying for a minute and talking to James, who was finally answering me, I went back to trying to sort and get rid of trash. I did my best.

At 1130 I went and had some Mac and cheese for lunch. I realized how warm it was outside so I went to put a Tshirt on instead of the sweater I had been wearing.

And then it was time to go! My big outting! I was excited. Even if I was still not feeling my best. I was trying to be positive.

I did forget where I was going though and started driving to camp. Oops. Had to get off the highway and then turn around. Added 10 minutes to my drive. But that was fine.

I got to Irvine around 1230. And I was so thrilled. What a beautiful place. I'm shocked I've never been there. It's so nice! The woman at the gate was so nice. And then the girl at the desk was super nice and welcoming too. I chatted with her about working at camp and why I was there and she was so excited that I came. And that was my experience all day. People just really excited that I was there and that felt so nice.

The walk to their Native American site is about 15 minutes from the welcome center. And it was a really nice walk. I did get a little turned around but only a little bit. I got to see their averay where they had falcons and turkey vultures and it was neat to see them so close up. And the grounds itself was beautiful. The pollinator pasture was this giant idyllic meadow that I'm sure is wild to see when it's in full bloom in the spring. The native grasses were beautiful but when it's flowering I'm sure it's crazy.

And then I was at the site! It was so cool! They had a long house and two wigwams. And a bunch of different stations. And I felt super welcomed, with a staff member calling over to me to say hello.

I got to learn so much. Before Heather and Sofie came l I got to learn how to make a braid using a single piece of buckskin cord. Which I want to practice because it was so cool. I loved talking to all the staff and I even got to give out my business card and make connections.

Heather and Sofie came while I was sitting on the ground helping to take the fur off of a deer pelt. And we would go around to the other displays. We got to learn about basket making and foods. And we talked to everyone. About their program, about ours, about building out workshops and trying to get more adults out to different programs. Which I think would be an amazing way to get more people involved. Something I can for sure lead the charge on figure out programing for.

After going in all the structures and taking pictures and discussing what we could do to make our spaces better, Heather and Sophie headed out.

But I stayed. I got to process a piece of dogs bane and create some cordage. I had a lovely time talking to the staff. And I just had some lovely conversations with the people there. Including a really nice guy who works for gunpowder state park but he is leaving there to go be a tree doctor and when I saw him in the parking lot I wished him luck in his new job and he got a big smile. It was very sweet.

At the food display I got to try eating sumac. Not to be confused with poison sumac. It was fuzzy and pink and sour. I liked it! She said it could be used like a citrus and that is very neat. She was also just really sweet and we talked about creating natural dye and she would love to come out to camp sometime. I would love to have some of the Irvine staff come out for a professional feildtrip tour. I hope that we can bring them out.

My throat was starting to hurt really bad again and I had left my water in the car so I decided it was time to make the walk back.

And it was a nice walk. I stopped to sit at the gazebo while I caught my breath. My throat was really hurting me. But I would only be sitting for a few minutes. I stopped to see the birds again. And then went to the welcome center to use the bathroom and look at their displays there. I had another really nice talk to the girl at the desk. Thanked her for having me. And then headed out.

I was only a few minutes away from a Petco. My goal was to go find a new loach to try to deal with the snails. And then if I could find a joann's I would go get new yarn. And I was like wildly lucky that there was a Joanns literally next to the Petco. Amazing. I was very excited.

I ended up getting a different type of loach called a hillstream, or a butterfly, loach. I named it flapjack and I think he's so cute. I'm not sure he's going to get rid of the living snails but I think he's going to eat the eggs. Fingers crossed because I like him a lot he's like a little stingray and I love stingrays.

I would go and find my yarn next. The cashier was fascinated by my new flat fish. I got three skiens of yarn, on sale. And then I went home.

When I got back here I got my fish set up. I think he's going to do well. I hope. Introducing someone new is always hard. Omelet seems interested and also confused. But I'm not to worried. They should be community tank members.

I would cuddle up on the couch until James got home. I was happy to see them. They got right into cleaning. I would give myself until 530. And then I got up and continued to clean in the studio.

I did not get rid of as much as I wanted to but I'm making progress. My desk is much cleaner. I also went through ally thread and sewing stuff and it's so much neater and I'm really pleased.

I would work on my organizing for the next couple hours. James was doing laundry and making bread while they worked on their own organization. Helping me when things were to tall. I appreciate my tall husband. Love them so much.

Eventually James would make me veggie nuggets for dinner and I would go wash my hair. And that's where we are now. Just resting. James will go put the dough for their bread in the fridge soon. I hope it comes out good. It smells nice already.

Tomorrow we are going to a professional event at the art museum and I have my injections later on in the day. It always seems to sneak up on me. The months go so fast.

I hope I sleep well. I hope you do too. Sleep well everyone. Goodnight!

[illegiblewords]

Personal ranting.

Right now I’m pretty stressed out. I’ve had a slew of medical crap happening, family stuff, and job stuff I need to get in order. Feeling very intimidated, sad, alone, and overwhelmed.

Referring to past relationships--I’ve repeatedly gone through points in my life where I bent over backwards to help other people, whether with tasks or by offering emotional support. Often when I’ve done this, I’ve found it was one-sided. Although not with family, there have been times with friends when I got treated like a side-character whose experiences were of no consequence. Someone who would never warrant anyone’s priority and only existed as a prop. When I was at the sickest I’d ever been, an IRL person I thought was my friend told me he hoped I didn’t get help because then I’d have to share a house with him and pay rent. There’s been a lot of shit like that. At this point I even get nervous about sharing things I think will brighten other peoples’ days or things that make me happy because that can go wrong too. It has repeatedly and I fucking hate it. I guess I’m also trying to sort of... steel myself, and fix this shit alone. And I’m scared that I’ve struggled with it for too long and too much time has passed for me to get on top of things. In a weird way what I’m trying to hold onto is that there are people who lose decades to addiction or illness before coming out the other side. There are people whose rock bottom involves losing their homes or having no family left--and they pick themselves up to find happiness. Because if those people, who have gone through their own fears and hells can do it--I can too. I’m kind of angry and upset that I feel scared to confide in others one-on-one right now. It’s mainly just a series of bad historical experiences that have me skittish, combined with guilt/worry that I’d be looked at as a bad person or dishonest for admitting I’m having trouble right now. And then at the same time in my heart going ‘why can everyone else feel shit but not me?’ I saw a post earlier where people lashed out at a stranger online for sharing a happy routine she’d formed with her husband. They were snapping that it upset them to see her happy when they’d had terrible times, that she wasn’t humble enough about having a shred of happiness, that she couldn’t actually be happy if she’d bothered to express it to others. Life is hard enough! There’s enough darkness in the world! Why the fuck if you see other people experiencing and expressing joy would you take it upon yourself to snuff that out instead of use it as a reminder that things can get better? If you have a choice in whether to let people have a positive experience or twist it into something ugly, why would you do the latter? Not everyone WANTS to do the weird manipulation power-game garbage. And like... I know there will always be people in the world who hate me for existing as myself. I’m not unique in that respect. Human cruelty and pettiness is very much a thing and it’s a lesson not to let those sorts run your life. But seeing crap like how people reacted to that post makes me nervous to speak or act in good faith, because my happiness could also get warped and used as a weapon. Assuming those efforts aren’t just ripped away and stomped on so I can’t have them either. Basically I’m trying to reject the negative garbage and push myself somewhere better. It’s just really hard and I feel like I have to do it by myself.

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

Loaded Guns

Most days this is the best way to describe me… a loaded gun. My ammunition is my trauma fueled rage. The trigger, ironically, is exactly that.

Anything can be a trigger to someone who has lived through trauma of any kind. It can be a place, a smell, a sound, an event, or even other people. They react to these triggers, either by going into a fight or flight response or worse, shut down.

Personally, my triggers are both emotional/interpersonal as well as physical. If I feel as though I’m being mistreated or misunderstood, I become triggered. Any holidays or events are triggering for me. I cannot remember an event or holiday that had no trauma involved. Depending on the context of the situation/conversation, this usually ends 1 of 2 ways: I blow up in a fit of rage or I cry in a fit of rage.

The blow up fit of rage is usually when I feel as though I’m being disrespected in some way. If I feel invalidated or hushed, yeah, you’re gonna see a nasty side to me. I do not like feeling as though I’m being manipulated in regards to what I think or how I feel. That was done to me enough as a teenager. No thank you please 💁🏻‍♀️

Now the crying fit of rage is much more complicated. This is when I am overwhelmed by the intrusive, negative thoughts about myself. The paranoia of no one ever loving me unless I break my spine for them. That I will fail because I’m not who they wanted me to be. That I’m worthless, trash they were forced to deal with. My guilt and shame over my illness and emotions fuels a whole other dynamic to this fucked up memento that is my complex trauma. I trust no one. Not even myself. They do not love me. I feel as though I’m not worthy of love and that it’s not feasible that people could ACTUALLY care for me. I am used until something better and less damaged comes along. I’ve been manipulated by the people I was supposed to trust most. Treated like a toy and a pawn by parents and lovers alike. There’s nothing they can say or do to convince me… because that gun is always locked, loaded, and aimed right at me.

The scientific explanation to this is more simple than you think… the body remembers trauma. The catalyst- your Central Nervous System (CNS).

The CNS is a very, very touchy area to begin with. Your CNS control center is found in the amygdala (right near your brain stem). When we elicit a fight or flight response (anxiety/panic attacks) this releases adrenaline causing the chain reaction of cortisol to be released into the body. This is what causes you to stay alert or “survive”, taking in every single piece of information you can about that moment and analyzing what you can do to keep safe. Survive. So next time we recognize these signs, these triggers if you will, we can keep ourselves safe or if need be defend ourselves against attack.

When this happens, we do not know how to regulate our OWN emotions as most of us had to learn how to regulate SOMEONE ELSE’S emotions in order to survive. So when we feel emotionally unsettled, we do not react well. It comes out as unintentional arguments. Hysterical sobbing until your lungs are about to burst and your whole body is shaking. Aggressive and confrontational. Paranoia and overthinking. Spiraling and spinning conspiracy theories in your head so much you actually begin to believe it. Detaching from everything and everyone. Hyper critical of everything, especially yourself (hyper vigilance). Nothing makes you happy. Loved ones know more about the things in your life that upset you than they know about what makes you happy. And this eats at you more because… does anything make us happy?

But for those of us with pistols for brains, we sink in the self loathing and shame. Each bullet aimed directly at the heart we as ourselves have to put back together.

As I’ve said before, we can overcome this. This is not something we are born with, we were subjected to this. This happened to us. We can re-route our brains and ourselves. Is it scary? Fuck yes. It’s horrifying. It means learning to let the world in. It means learning to trust. And scariest of all, taking your own finger off the trigger and letting go.

[trans-axolotl]

for ocd anon

hey anon 💜

Thank you for trusting me with your experiences, anon. I do totally get what you mean about how trying to talk about this with people can make the thoughts worse--it was the same for me for a long while, and I remember how I felt really shitty and trapped even when I wanted to talk to other people about it. It can feel so complicated when the thoughts got in the way of talking to people who I trusted, and it made it really difficult to communicate or connect with them in the moments. I'm really glad that you do have your partner in your life and that she's someone who makes you feel so seen. I can tell how much you care about her--it definitely comes through in the way you write about her and the moments you two share together. And I know how tough it can be when you and your loved ones are trying to support each other through mental illness, and also just having to navigate all the other things that come from growing up and not having the resources or the life experience to always know exactly what to do or how to go forward. But I'm glad that you have each other.

What you said in your ask about seeking for a lighthouse really resonated with me. When everything is so overwhelming and feels all-consuming, I remember really just wishing I could just wake up and have it all be better, or at least know what to do next so I could stop feeling so lost. You talked about the feeling of miasmic wrongness, and I really do know what you mean. I remember just feeling so completely wrong and panicked and I don't even really have the words to describe that very vivid feeling, but I remember it. And I want to validate that all your feelings about this are very understandable and that you are so allowed to feel upset and angry and sad about all of this--it's a lot to deal with! You're doing so well every day you survive through this and wake up and try to cope, even despite it all. The memories you share with me about going on camping trips, spending time with family, your hobbies show me how you do have these important things in your life that you value and things that you want to hold onto for your future.

I wish I did have a more clear path that could offer you that certainty. Sometimes it sucks how the way out of + through things is messy, complicated, not a straight line--it's hard to trust or believe that in the moment. The only lighthouse I know how to offer you is that when I was 15, I was going through something incredibly similar to you, and today, my obsessive thoughts show up only every couple months, and they are tolerable now. I have another friend with OCD who lives a very full life, even with the thoughts--they have redefined their relationship with their obsessions in a way that brings them much less distress. I don't have any certain promises I can make to you, but I do want you to know that I know quite a lot of people with OCD who have felt the depths of this pain and came out through it in ways unique to them that let them still have those moments of joy. That staying alive brings with it the possibility of moving through the panic + the feelings of wrongness + coexisting in that space long enough to figure out how to get through it in a way that hurts less. We didn't all make it back to exactly who we were before, but we found new ways of being that still felt like parts of us.

What worked for each one of us was different (and if any mutuals/followers with OCD have specific non triggering things they want to share, feel free to add in the replies.) Several people I know found really good therapists, a lot of us got out of stressful environments, some people tried meds, or found techniques like the worksheets I shared that helped get through the day. I don't share any of this to overwhelm you or make you feel ashamed if those things aren't accessible right now, because I 100% get that it isn't as easy as just deciding to try something and suddenly being able to do that.

Last thing I want to share tonight is just one last suggestion, but please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't feel applicable to you or accessible. Back to the topic of how to access support in your real life to help you get through this + find a lighthouse, I wonder if your partner is someone who could help communicate with other people for you. I know you mentioned that she is someone who you feel closer and can sometimes talk to more and why you can't talk with family rn, and I wonder if she would be able to like, send an email to someone in your life like reaching out to your parents or a counselor if that's what you want to explore options for help irl. Obviously I don't know every detail of your situation and I know all of this is really difficult, but I just wanted to mention it to see if that would be feasible at all.

Know that I'm rooting for you, anon, that I hear what you're going through and that I'm sorry that you've been having to live with this amount of stress and loss for so many months.

I also want to give you a heads up that I'm traveling out of town this week and I'm going to have a lot less access to my laptop since my schedule is pretty chaotic. I might not be able to respond until Monday next week, but please feel free to keep sending in asks if it's helpful-my inbox is always open to you and I'm here to listen. If you need an urgent response, Trans lifeline and Thrive lifeline (text based) can be there for you.

Truly wishing the best for you anon 💜💜💜

[rengokugutspill]

I'd found an artist reference book image of face in various degrees of profile with varying degrees of perspective (bird's eye, straight, worm's eye) & I went through & found official reference images of Rengoku to trace to make an entire pallet of his face in different perspectives. I figured going forward to better learn the shapes within his face would be to redraw each face by only reference. But of course I get really upset with myself because it's like it seems okay when you're drawing & you're like wow I am so cool & good at shapes & understanding, but then when the piece is finished you're like wow wtf is actually wrong with me this is mortifying & if I showed anyone I would die.

I know it's still training the eye to accurately recognize what I'm seeing. I don't think it's the hand creates shape it sees because after doing a bunch of traces, the shapes will start to come more natural to me & feel more familiar, it's definitely a dissonance between sight recognition to physical execution. Which is to say I keep making things slightly longer like I'd complained about in the first place.

I'd also pursued a couple free doodles, to just draw his face & body the best I can by myself or even with minimal reference for double checking, but I am still trying to be like I'm not focusing on perfection but instead focusing on what he looks like from & in my hand. & for those I don't feel that bad, I am not drawing things that make me hate myself but my faltering is coming to a point where I'm like I have no idea what to do or how I should finish this. Like one that is almost done but I have to figure out what the arm is doing. So it's like everything is there but one arm...

I'm trying to push myself more towards landscaping right now for a little bit. Mostly I want to do fantasy or dreamy landscapes. Things that would not be naturally occurring in the real world.

But I accidentally put myself in a difficult position to foster a cat... This act in itself isn't bad, but I definitely had to be like wow I have a mental illness that honest to god just be doing shit. Because I almost rented a room of my house out to someone & ultimately they'd rejected it & I'm actually so thankful because had they taken me up on the offer, I would likely be in a miserable situation.

It's like I randomly thought I was really capable of things & idk thought I was normal & could handle being around people for prolonged periods of time but realistically that's not true. & I don't know because I know when it comes to working a job, you might not be a people person for a good year but then randomly you're just like hey, dealing with customers is fine. I think a lot of things can become acquired tastes that you're really okay with, but I don't know if living with people is one for me.

& I realize part of the issue is that I'm an entertainer. It's not that I want to be an entertainer or I think I should be one, I literally just am & it's not really something I can separate myself from. So as an entertainer I am the centre of attention, & in my house, I am an overseer. This results in a burn out because although I understand I don't have to entertain, it's like I'm honestly just going to be up your ass existing & doing so will overwhelm me & tire me out. I think especially because I like a very peaceful, relaxed & carefree life of doing shit whenever I want to do it without heeding to someone else. & whether my physical illness is strictly dietary or a product of depression, I have more days where I just don't want to get out of bed or do anything at all, that to keep being called to entertain is bothering my soul. Even if that sounds gay. I would say it's killing me, but I do think more accurately is to just say it's bothering a deep core of myself, my soul. As someone who is free spirited & runs a household basically by myself, it definitely feels like stepping on my toes to keep having to reorchestrate my life around something else. Even when I can look at the situation & say nothing happened it's like wow I am so fucking tired... & then I just kind of get irritated.

I keep having to listen to a person in particular always boasting about how great of a person they are & how they are just a really nice person at heart. & I always feel like damn if you were such a good person you wouldn't be constantly starting fights with everyone you know, looking for a reason to inflict violence upon someone or making me feel like a piece of shit just to ask for something... A person who is genuinely good doesn't need to talk about how good they are or brag to others about their kindness. It makes me wonder if it's done to make others excited or if it's done as a reinforcement for the self ? It really bothers me. I think about it & for me it is difficult because I think I am a good person but there are a lot of instances where I falter. There are things where I don't want to get involved & I don't want to help people, but there are other times where the help feels very natural to me & it's not a question of should I do this but instead is more of a this is easy. I feel like a hero if I do something good, but also I don't feel any need to tell others about how great I am because I did something. I think it would physically hurt me to speak like that or behave like that.

But I also know there are a lot of kindness that get walked over & taken advantage of & I guess a truly good person doesn't hold that behavior against someone, recognizing it is human nature. But you can also be a good person without spreading yourself thin & letting yourself get taken advantage of. I just feel like if every good gesture you're doing is breeding resentment in you, you probably don't really have kindness &/ or compassion in your heart.

I recognize there are things I just can't do. Even if I want to live with people, I really don't feel as though I can. Though this is tentative, it's possible a person with a deep mutual chemistry could treat me with respect so that I didn't have to feel concerned or annoyed by them. I understand you have to want to trust someone while knowing that maybe you'll be betrayed.

Even in a family sense, you can't see me at my utmost love & grace all the time. With a mental illness, you probably only see me fire on all cylinders as a meaningful existence a few times a month. I don't really think I should be hard on myself for that though. I think it's difficult to win me over in any meaningful way.

I'm just really exhausted & nervous. It is a very ambiguous situation. I am trying to be like however I act should work out properly for everyone, I'm not doing anything malicious or disparaging. It's difficult. I think most of the time I just pretend nothing is happening.

Aside from this, if you recall my prediction for this month's mini character art was beach, but personally I was thinking more water & swimsuit related. I'd actually made predictions for every character, but since it's apparently “beach house,” nothing was correct lol

Rengoku's is so cute !! I love it so much !! I love his pants & I love his silly little crab !! Baby !!!!!

Though one thing I am a bit ambivalent about with this is I feel as though “beach house” would imagine vacation, whereas I feel like it's a cafe tie in. A lot of the characters I felt could be read as cafe workers, which made more sense than to say they were beach vacation. What I'm ambivalent about is I don't think they are wrong for doing cafe tie ins, it makes perfect sense ! But I don't think every merchandise should necessarily be a cafe tie in & my reason for saying that is when it comes to merchandising, I don't think everyone wants just a food mascot to commemorate a time an eatery had a certain menu.. Especially because these are anime characters that are appealing to anime fans. I think it's perfectly fine to do the tie ins sometimes, but I just feel like the spring event kind of irked me because although I think picnic & the items associated are fantastic & I have no problem with an associated menu, what I didn't like was all the characters having the to go boxes rather than making it look like they had cute personalized bento boxes they brought from home. Personally, to me it just felt really lazy & in turn kinda makes the merchandise at least a little bullshit to look at it & be like this is just an eatery ad.

But I don't know. I don't want to sound like a bitch. I think beach house is fine & I think beach cafe is also fine, but I think they should have just come out & said beach cafe ? Or maybe they did & It was lost in translation on my end ? Cos I know the first announcement I saw via translator said “beach” but then everything I saw after said “beach house.”

I also feel like okay, we'll get pool activities next summer lol

Either way Rengoku was very cute & we got to see suns out guns out lol so I really can't complain about anything

I forget what the merchandise was except mostly I wasn't super jazzed, which of course is okay, but I definitely want to get the sticker sets !!

I'm still wondering if we're going to have the omake set available out here ? It's just weird because they ran the merchandise for every episode, advertised the omake on the English Twitter hand in hand with the how to play the lottery psa, then turned around & reran the first four episode merchandise ? So idk what they're doing but I am waiting to hear something... ? Especially because the year of the dragon tapestry was like fifty dollars give or take but resellers are selling it for like a hundred. I don't want to have to fuck around with whatever resellers have planned for the omake lottery T^T

I'm also waiting for the comiket preorder to get posted. I'm a little bummed out that it seems like you have to buy the whole set but I'll do it. Especially because the damn set is expensive on it's own, I imagine the nightmare of buying the tapestry on resale.

But I was so hype for that announcement, I nearly died ! For a minute I couldn't breathe & then I got super hot & sweaty & then I thought I was going to throw up & then I thought I was going to cry. I think all of that is a very good reaction !! Outstanding actually ! I was so moved !! Honestly I love everything about the art & I loved seeing other autistics losing their absolute minds in the comments. A part of me was a little bit surprised it's only Rengoku & Uzui because I thought women loved Tomioka ? It's making me wonder now if these are the two MVP hashira ? I'm still curious about the status & ranking.

I also love his cape draping over him. It makes me wonder if he just posed & the cape fall where it lay or if it was a conscious decision to drape his cape over himself lol

It's funny because I was thinking about it as a photoshoot & him being told how to pose, or thinking about Rengoku surprises his significant other with glamour shots of himself for Christmas lmao but then one of the artists I follow ended up doing a little video of the exact same concept

I said to my roommate this was done on purpose for a winter event because Rengoku is going to keep his fans hot & sweaty throughout the cold season lol

Honestly I am so hype, I can't wait for his release !!! There is a lot to look forward to going forward for this year, I have a lot to cheer about & be excited for <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Though I'd seen the beach house items launched today, I'm so appalled all the Rengoku acrylic stands have started at mid to high thirties. Get fucking bent ?? I got my year of the dragon acrylic stand for like twenty. This is ridiculous.

It's funny how I chose to pull the ice cream event one via blind bag because I wasn't sold on it but in hindsight I fucking love that one. I feel like I'm slightly too passionate about the beach house one to wait six months to see if I've pulled him lol I gotta see that boy in my bedroom now >-<

It also seems two more of my packages have shipped & then I think there will be a lull until his birthday items ship, which I'm not super sure when that will be. October ?

I know people are apt to get really emotional about things they care about immensely. I wonder how often studio staff hands a Rengoku merchandise to a fan & the fan just starts crying because they love him so much & are so excited ? Lol

I wonder if they feel very sly releasing some art like “this'll really get 'em.” lol

I'm fantasizing about what other collaborative artworks & merchandise we may see incoming next.

It's odd how I had been mentioning a lack of community, but in things like this or supporting video games like Pokemon, even when you aren't directly interacting with other fans, I still think there is a sense of connection, to celebrate these small circumstances together & quietly.

I'm sure I said this before, but my life was always so stifled. All of my life. I never felt alive until I was well into my twenties. There was so much I missed through abuse, neglect & not being allowed to go outside or communicate with others. There is so much that gets stripped from you as a human being. So many innately human behaviors & feelings discarded & rejected entirely. I thought my excitement was a weird behavior, but I realize when I look long & hard at myself & my life, I wasn't happy like this before. I know feelings of happiness & excitement did exist, you can't say none of those have ever happened at all, but to feel thrill & excitement so consistently, sometimes it feels like waking up from a previous lifetime of hibernation, to feel things like joy course through you. & I know it must sound really weird because I am saying I get so excited about an acrylic stand that I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I also think people with autism feel things differently, but at the same time this is coming from someone who was so used to suffering & feeling only negative feelings or nothing at all to finally feeling something good &/ or positive.

Sometimes it feels difficult for me to express feelings of positivity because I am used to always writing about negative concepts. I catch myself trying to use the same words even though they are two completely different ideas & feelings. It's like unlearning something you've been doing for twenty years.

I think it's funny. I wonder if this is how those kpop women feel ? It's sad to think how far separated humanity has become what seems like such a large number of people would only feel comforted by a character or picture. Then it's fascinating as well to examine what it takes for a mind to create intricate & abstract feelings from nothing to place over an image or idea. For me, how the feelings grow so deeply & vast that it feels unfair to say Rengoku isn't real. He is, he is a real character who exists. His physical existence is that of pillows & figures.

I made the joke about the Google information saying Rengoku's love interest was his mom to my roommate & my roommate was so disgusted & appalled & it was killing me. They said “How can you say that about your own husband ??” They said my feelings for Rengoku are so real & palpable that they don't doubt the extent of the emotion in my marriage to recognize a human continuity where we are married & it's officially recognized. The response was shocking for me, especially in such a situation. I was only trying to make a light hearted joke. He feels real to me, but of course I just sit here & fantasize my little arcs & domestic nothings. I think I could feel his skin, smell him or feel him turn over in bed beside me at night. It's funny to say I thought it was all in my head to imagine so hard but I guess other people imagined equally ? I find myself thinking I can't wait to tell him this later or ask him about something, as if I am waiting for him to come home later. It's an odd feeling. But also one that's so comforting.

I'd sat down to make a write up to explain why I chose Rengoku. I was going to post it to Facebook so people could understand. I always feel a bit silly because I know he is a nothing character who really didn't do anything but with all the supplemental material & fun facts I've gathered about him, somehow I flesh him out enough to feel very real. To think in some situations I might know what he would say or do. It's a fun thought.

& I'd worried to choose him would accidentally be a waste of life. But then I think maybe nothing really matters ? I guess if there is one thing in life, it's that your heart & soul have autonomy & make decisions & incite fascinations. If you followed your heart wholly in your life then is the life wasted ? If you did everything you wanted exactly how you wanted ? Especially when looking at reincarnation for nirvana, to experience different types of lives & lifestyles to attain deeper knowledge for the soul & spirit. Do you feel ashamed or wrong to follow a life where the whole of your heart is an imagined marriage with an anime character ?

& I'd thought about it as well in the lens of the manufactured jpop bands, to use subtle brainwashing & conditioning techniques to prey on the wallets of meek women. Isn't it symbiotic ? & if symbiosis is two sides gaining in tandem by working together, how could it be wrong ? Because i'd considered if you're falling into a brainwashing trap to siphon funds from wallet, obviously that's bad, but in the situation where you're paying for something you want to be made & the manufacture of the item makes you consistently happy & glad to have it... How is the payment or brainwashing really that bad ? Though personally I don't think I was brainwashed outwardly necessarily because I don't think Rengoku's appearance or death were defining factors of his character that actually reeled me in, I do think there was a lot more to it than that.

It feels like a subscription service where I am paying to make my husband real. Who knows where it will be in three years ? Especially thinking about the guy who married Hatsune Miku & the evolution of AI. I would like to be able to bring my husband to family gatherings lol though maybe the best I can hope for is a tamagotchi on my phone with a 3d model capable of using AI to communicate & do gestures, which I do think is a cute idea & I think they really need to get on anime character tamagotchi AI lol

But at the same time laws of assumption has basically seen me materialize a number of items just from thought... On top of destroying my period cycles by accident... my own personal psyop anyway.

It's difficult for me to explain the situation I am in & how I feel because it's very abstract & I know how far away it is from other people's interactions with life, because I don't think anyone else was pushed so far into their own head as I was... While having a mental illness on top of it. (speaking of people friends with me on Facebook directly, not saying I'm the only person who was ever abused in the whole world lol) I think most other people maintain a tie to humanity in some way. It's like how most people lose humanity to hate & become school scooters or serial killers & the like, but I think when I lost my humanity it was in a way where I never forgot the feeling of the desire to love & be loved. So the other side of hate for me was still love. What I mean is, people can compare hate & suffering to falling into a pit or drowning in an ocean. It seems like for me I fell so far into hate & suffering, but as I continued to fall, I guess love remained. No matter how gay that is. Because what's harder than a serial killer ? Someone who didn't kill anyone & still loves. To love so deeply, empty & contemplatively without touching anything & with no reward of someone saying something to you or doing something to you. To love into a void & from that love create your own reciprocation. A warmth & comfort radiating to & from.

& really if you can't understand, I like it. It's a free feeling. A love that doesn't matter & does nothing, it binds nothing but flows continuously, like blooming flowers in the same shade. I could say something way gayer even, but I will spare you this time.

I'd like to think it doesn't make me worse but instead better.

[sagetsukimura]

(I just want to write it out, see if it helps me sort my thoughts out. Remind future-me that I tried. This week has been pretty... Chaotic, at work. )

I did it. I communicated to the best of my abilitiy in a stressful work environment, and i thought we'd finally gotten on the same page.

I'd done the right thing. I spoke to them directly, I used 'i feel' statements, and explained why, didn't cry when I got yelled at, only yelled back once and visibly made myself stop, and we managed to actually get on the same page ( at least I thought so, I hope so) once she realized i wasn't giving her a 'reasons why you suck' speech. I was satisfied with my feelings being proven wrong, because yes, it did turn out that nobody else was communicating with each other either. Misunderstandings and resentment. (We had 2 people quit this week.)

Problem addressed and acknowledged, if not fixed. I did it. I communicated. Glad that's over with because I hate being assertive or having people upset with me. (I don't like speaking up in situations like this, but so many people were having issues and... I don't know why I thought I could make a difference.)

Only today, a higher up comes in, and asks me a bunch of questions, and introduces me to someone, and I can't figure out what she wants from me., she's asking for specific incidents, and telling me I need to be a more positive team player, and I'm so tired of feeling helpless and frustrated I start crying when I have to talk about one of our more... difficult... Parents.

She tells me to take some time to calm down, I give the new manager a heartful 'nice to meet you, hope you stick around' that might've been TOO heartfelt (7 managers in one year guys, I'm getting desperate . I REALLY hope she'll stick around) and get back to the kids after making sure I don't look like I've been bawling.

Anyway, boss comes back an hour and a half later and says I need to leave. I'm confused and ask her if she means like, go home? NOW? And all I manage to get is *'things are worse than I was told'* and she's off... Somewhere.

... Ok?!

So I clean up, and i leave. No clue what happened or why. Did I do something? Did she want me to take the day to calm down? Was someone mad about yesterday? Apparently someone is/was lying? Should I wait for a phone call? An email? Should I come in Monday? Am I fired? What's going on?!

So now I'm... here. No clue what's going on. Brain is trying to come up with the worst answers possible, I'm trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I love my job, but when no one knows what is going on or where something is, or even who to ask, it means no one sticks around. I'm not sure if anyone else has been around long enough to know the Wi-Fi passwords besides me.

It's weird, how chilled out I am. Usually I feel physically ill at the thought that someone is upset with me. Maybe counseling really is helping? Or I'm waiting to know if I've been fired before I let myself mentally burn bridges and move on.

At least I know I've done my best. I've tried to make it obvious to the others that I'm trying in good faith. I've tried really hard. (I almost think too hard. I should've kept my head down, because even if I was willing to try and talk, I appear to be very bad at it.) I just... Don't know what the expectations of me are, since I've been at the site for twice as long as anyone else. I know things no one else does. But I also don't even know where to find the signup paperwork. I'm not a manager, I'm literally the bottom of the ladder, and happy staying there.

I feel confused, and worried. Overwhelmed, frustrated, and a little betrayed. There's a voice in my head telling me I should've kept my head down and my mouth shut, and rolled through the next few months.

But mostly, I just want to know what is going on, so I can make my own choices. If I stay, I want to know what changes and expectations I should expect, because it feels like they are changing all the time, and it's not just kids who like consistency. I have to ask myself, how long do I WANT to have this job.

I just... Hope I did the right thing, as best I could. That I can say I honestly tried, even if it didn't work. But that doesn't mean it won't suck if it turns out I was right to doubt.