#this hit hard for me because the incident took place at an airport very close to me

[fizzycrip]

it feels like you can hardly go a week or two without hearing yet another story of airlines failing disabled flyers.

most recently is the story of gabrielle assouline, who was not properly warned that the jet bridge to a southwest airline plane was inaccessible to her wheelchair, resulting in injury and paralysis.

staff was not adequately trained on how to provide assistance to wheelchair users, and failed to warn of obstacles on the jet bridge, even after her meticulous planning alongside the airline to ensure that all parts of her trip would be accessible.

it’s sad to say that i am hardly surprised by incidents like these in the news cycle. the airline industry has a long history with disabled passengers facing harassment, violation, and injury on their flights, and southwest airlines certainly does not deserve for this story to go unheard.

i am going to link her gofundme, which is raising funds for her recovery and rehabilitation. please spread the word!!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-gaby-recover-after-horrific-accident

[summerlovingbaby]

War Torn

Y/N was walking home to find it crawling with cops, that’s when she knew something was off. Because it wasn’t just cops it was special agents, and shield agents crawling in her neighborhood, sure she lived in a rough part of town and there were always cops, it was never this many, so she knew something was wrong.

She had an escape plan, she always had an escape plan. She knew what she was doing and where she was going. She hoped that he would be there, waiting for her just like promised, but when she saw the news she knew that he wouldn’t be.  Y/N  was planning her next move when she read another headline.

All the headlines everywhere read: Winter Solider Escapes Custody With The Help of Capitan America and Sam Wilson. Millions of questions ran threw Y/N’s head. Where was he being held? Why was he being held? How did he escape? Why did he escape? And mostly how did they find him?

She had to find him, Bucky would do the same for her. She had to find him, though she would be breaking a promise. They made a deal if something happened to one of them, they wouldn’t come back for one another, but she had to. She owed Bucky a great deal, and he would do the same for her.

All Y/N knew was that The Winter Solider escaped custody, he was with two of the avengers, all the borders were locked down tight, the rest of the avengers are looking for him, and they set up a 12 mile blockade. That means that they were probably hiding out somewhere, planning for their next move. Y/N had an idea of where he would be, and she somewhat had a plan.

The next thing she knew she was at a abandoned warehouse, with an AR-15 slung over her shoulder. She could hear muffled voices, one of them was Bucky’s voice, at least he wasn’t dead. As she walked closer she heard the voices more clearly. They were talking about trust, about trusting Bucky.

“ Hands up.” Y/N said peeping around the corner her gun pointed at the black guy.

The black guy reached for his side arm and had it pointed at her within seconds , but the white guy held his hands above his head. Bucky looked up when he heard Y/N’s voice, he knew that she would be coming for him, but hoped that she wouldn’t, He didn’t want her to be apart of this right.

“ Buck-.” Y/N started to say but was stopped,

“ Y/N I’m okay. Drop it.” Bucky’s voice was breathy and he sounded tired, he looked tired and sad.

“ James-” Y/N said looking for reassurance. Her eyes still trained on Sam.

“ Put it down.” Bucky said, he was watching Y/N, he knew that there was only about a 45% chance that she would actually listen to him, but he had to try.

Y/N shrugged her shoulders and pointed her head toward Sam. Steve began to lower her hands, he took his hand and he pushed Sam’s gun down and angled it towards the floor. Y/N did the same, her finger still on the trigger.

“ Y/N you shouldn’t be here.” Bucky said, his head hung low from shame and tiredness.

“ Neither should you.”

“ I did something bad.”

“ I know, I saw.”

“ Buck who is this woman.” Steve said breaking the silence.

“ She’s a friend.” He said looking at Steve with puppy dog eyes, that he didn’t mean to use, those where just his eyes now.

“ Hate to break up this reunion but we need to leave. Like yesterday.” Sam said putting his gun away. “ We need a car.” He said, he begrudgingly looked at Y/N, who payed him no mind. Y/N was too busy looking at Bucky for any sign of trouble. To be honest he looked mostly okay, just tired.

“ Can you get us a car.” Steve looked at Y/N with those Captain America eyes.

“ Yeah I can.” Her eyes moved between Steve and Bucky. “ Should I?” She asked towards Bucky.

“ Steve.” Bucky said in a quiet shaky voice. So that was Steve, the Steve. Y/N thought he was dead by the way Bucky spoke of him.  Y/N knows how much Bucky cared for Steve, respected him a lot too. Y/N heard story’s about him, and Bucky cried for him. She just thought he would be smaller.

“ I can get you a car, not legally.” Y/N spoke, finally looking away from Bucky.

“ Go.” Steve said nodding towards the exit.

“ No, no, no, no. Go with her.” Sam said to Steve. “ Leave the gun, might get some looks.” He said with a sarcastic smile.

Y/N leaned the AR-15 against a pole, and her and Steve left. They walked for a bit in awkward silence, the parking garage that they were going too was surprisingly full, but they needed a car that wouldn’t be reported stolen. Steve broke the silence.

“ You know Bucky.”

“ Yeah.”

“ I guess I meant how do you know Bucky?”

“ I-  he’s a friend.”

“ How did you two meet?”

“ He saved me.”

“ What did he rescue you from a burning building.” Steve said half as a joke.

“ No, he shot me.”

“ He shot you?”

“ Yeah, I deserved it though, it’s not his fault.”

“ Did you do something bad?”

“Define something bad.”

There was a pause, Steve knew Y/N was playing coy, avoiding questions.

“ I am assuming that he told you about Siberia- the others. I was one of the others.”

“ Okay.”

“ Under the circumstances, the brainwashing didn’t work as well as they planned, so I got away. And then I heard about HYDRA and SHEILD, so I moved to Romania because I knew that they wouldn’t look for me there, but they found me anyway. And then they said the words and they made me someone I’m not. I guess James- or Bucky whatever you call him, he saw me on the news, and then he found me, so I tried to kill him. And then he shot me and hit me on the head really hard, helped me remember who I was. He helped me, he cared for me. I was sick, mentally and physically. HYDRA wouldn’t feed me, I was underweight had some broken ribs, my hair was falling out, I couldn’t keep food down. He kept  me alive when I didn’t want to live. Then there was the incident-”

“ What incident?”

“ I don’t think you want to know. I helped him, and then he helped me. He let me stay, at his place. It was only supposed to be for a little bit, but it felt nice to have someone looking out for you, so I stayed. And then we made plans, plans incase something happened. We promised that we wouldn’t come back for each other, but I couldn’t- I can’t leave him. I owe him, I owe him a lot. More than my life, I owe him about a dozen times- a dozen lives. So he’s my friend.” Y/N said. Steve just now noticed that she was crying, but didn’t press the issue because they found a car.

Steve started to break the window, but stopped when Y/N started to pick the lock quite eloquently. Then she popped the dash board and started cutting some wires, so the car started, The ride back to Bucky was almost silent.

“ You know he saved my life too.. fell off a train for me. I’m glad you were there for him, sense I wasn’t. If he trust you I trust you, you seem like a good person. All things considered.”

“ Thanks.” Y/N said watching the windows, it calmed her to see the tree flying by her. It made her feel like she was flying and she liked flying.

They got back to the empty warehouse, Bucky’s arm was free, and Sam was holding the AR-15 begrudgingly, aimed at Bucky. When Y/N saw him free, she fought the urge to run to him. She just wanted to hug him, to touch him, to feel him, hear his heat, his heartbeat. It looked like Bucky was fighting something too, but he opened his arms anyway. Y/N walked to him, and fell into his arms. He enveloped her in a his arms pulling her close to his chest.

Sam tried to break it up, but Steve made Sam give them a minute, he knew they needed a moment of calm before the chaos. They stopped hugging and got in the car. Steve stopped and got some gear, and when Y/N blinked they were at the airport. Something was about to go down. Y/N knew a fight was going down.

Sam noticed that Y/N and Bucky were sharing words in a language, that wasn’t English.

“ You can still leave, its not too late to back out of this.” Bucky said in Romanian

“ I’m not going anywhere.”

“ You don’t have to stay, not for me.”

“ I’m doing this.”

“ This is a suicide run, if they catch you they will kill you.”

“I could say the same to you.”

“ This is my mess, let me clean it up.”

“ Its our mess, and you’re not talking me out of this so drop it.”

“ We had plans, you made plans. You promised that you wouldn’t come back for me.”

“ You would have done the same.”

“ That’s not the point.”

“ Then what is the point?”

“ You can leave, I won’t be mad at you.”

“ I know you won’t. That’s why I have to stay.”

“Y/N-” Bucky started to started to say but was interrupted by the overhead speakers. They were evacuating the airport it was now or never.

‘ May I have my gun please?” Y/N asked. “ I won’t kill anybody I swear, just distract them.”

Steve nodded for Sam to give her the gun, but Sam was still protesting.

“ We don’t need another gun.” Sam said.

“She’s more than a gun. If you’re going to fight do it right. Show them.”

So Y/N did. She was standing next to Bucky one minute, and then she took the place of Sam. Literally. She swapped places with Sam, then Steve, then Wanda then Scott. They didn’t have much time to further press the issue, because they saw a plane landing. Sam was very thrown off, but was too busy thinking about the fact that he was about to commit a war crime.

Y/N was hiding in the hanger with Bucky and Sam. Steve and Tony seemed to be sharing unpleasant words, then something blew up and they got their signal to start running. So they ran like hell. Then a spider-child crashed through the roof, he sounded pretty young. He sounded adorable. Y/N would have found it amusing if it wasn’t for the civil war part. What really threw them for a loop was when he caught Bucky’s arm midair. He wasn’t punching to kill so it wasn’t full strength, but hard enough to knock him out.

But Sam used his drone to trick the boy into falling off the roof, so they were clear. They exited the hanger, and made a bee line to the quinjet, but were stopped. Y/N was stopped by Nat, Clint was stopped by Black Panther, Falcon was stopped by Tony. Y/N didn’t see much more though. Wanda was putting up a good fight, but Y/N was too. 

Everyone was tied up fighting someone, but they didn’t have time to fight. Steve asked for something big and we got something big. Y/N could hear Scott mumbling about tearing himself in half, then he grew. Really big, taller than the airplane hanger. Scott started swinging his arms aimlessly, then he grabbed onto Rhodey, and Ironman starting blasting at him and Vision flew threw him. This couldn’t get any weirder was all Y/N was thinking. Y/N was distracted with Nat and Black Panther. She was doing her best to hold them off, but Black Panther slipped past her.

She looked up to find Antman being tipped over, and saw the spider-ling flying through the air. He was falling, falling fast. He would hit the ground, hard. It would probably kill him. Without thinking Y/N took his place and crashed into a stack of boxes. She thought it would be fine, maybe break a few ribs, but she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She tried to raise herself up, but yelped groaned loudly. She looked down to see a large piece of metal through her stomach,

When she saw it she tried to muffle a loud cry. Bucky heard her scream and asked for her status, she didn’t respond. All anyone heard was heavy panting and muffled screams and moans. Suddenly spider-boy ran over to help her. His mask was half off. Wow, he was young.Y/N thought he looked like he was 15 maybe 16.  

“ Oh mu gosh are you okay? You don’t look so good. Just stay there, Mr. Stark will know what to do. “ The boy stuttered.

Y/N would have found him funny during most circumstances, but she had steel sticking out of her stomach so she wasn’t amused. She was watching when she saw war machine free falling. Crap. He was going to die if he hit the ground. She grabbed at the spiderboy and pulled herself up. She could see him falling, but her vision was fading, her wound was bleeding a lot. Her eyes were growing heavy, she tried to wait til he was closer to the ground, but she couldn’t. Her eyes started closing, and it was now or never. She switched places with him and she was now free falling through air. She was falling, she was 100 feet from the ground.

She opened her eyes slightly and could see Sam racing to her aid.This calmed her down a bit, but she knew that he wouldn’t catch her. Her eyes closed as she fell to the ground, she landed hard. It made a crater where she landed. Sam narrowly missed her, but landed beside her. All Sam could hear was Bucky asking if she was okay, but he wasn’t responding because he didn’t know.

Y/N didn’t know this but Bucky was watching the whole time. He tried to convince Steve to turn it around, so they could help her, he just wanted to help her, but Steve wasn’t budging. Then Steve heard strained gasping and heavy breathing.

“ She’s breathing.” Sam whispered.

“ Good, can anybody help.” Steve was glad that Y/N was okay, but he was still focused on the mission, and Iron Man was still tailing the plane.

“ How far away can you get in the next minute?” Y/N asked, her eyes still closed her voice barley above a whisper.

“ Y/N no.” Bucky yelled.

“ Far.” Steve said, his voice laced with confusion.

“ Y/N don’t.” Bucky repeated

“ Don’t do what?” Steve asked.

Everyone could hear Y/N straining through coms, Bucky’s eyes went wide, he started pleading for her to not be dumb and the fight was over, but it was far from over. Suddenly Y/N’s eyes opened wide, they were glowing white.

 “ What the hell?” Sam said.

Y/N’s chest started to lift from the ground, so did her whole body. A bright white light surrounded her body like a shield, as she rose higher and higher. Everyone stopped and watch Y/N go higher and higher. The energy around her glowed brighter and brighter. They could hear Y/N straining harshly, then she started yelling. She flew up higher and grew brighter, then with one final yell she pushed it outward. The energy field expanded in a wave, knocking Iron man off kilter just enough to let Bucky and Steve escape. Y/N could see them flying off in the distance which made her happy. But that’s the last thing she saw, and then she fell from the air. Sam caught her, but she didn’t know that because she was passed out.

Y/N woke up in a straight jacket, and a shock collar, in a cell. She was confused and in a lot of pain. She didn’t know a lot at the moment, but the one thing she did know was that she wanted Bucky.

part 2

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@buckybarnes1991

[wandasallerdyce]

Touch - Bucky Barnes x M! Reader

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x M! Reader

Fandom: Marvel

Warning(s): slight cussing, mention of hard pp

Request: yes/no

Plot: Reader is a sibling to Wanda Maximoff. Has the same abilities as her. Takes place after Endgame, but there will be flashbacks. Loosely inspired by Touch by Little Mix

Notes: so, this is a long fic since I kept on writing. I wrote this at 1 so if it’s cringey y’all know why. Please enjoy and vote :)

You and Bucky’s relationship was… strange to say the least. You guys weren’t dating, yet you guys were all touchy and cuddly. Neither of you guys knew when it had all started and if left Steve confused as this Bucky wasn’t known to be all touchy and stuff. Sam was amused and your sister, Wanda, would just smile at you. In her mind, she knew that you found the right person for you as she had with Vision.

~•~

You and Wanda were in the backseat of the van sitting in silence. You could read in her mind that she felt bad about putting Vis in the ground, but it has to be done so you guys could leave. Ever since the Lagos incident, you had stayed locked in her room with her trying to help her feel better (with some help from Vision of course). The van came to a halt as Clint told you guys that you were at the airport.

You guys stepped out of the van and saw the rest of the team. Sam, Bucky, and Steve were all there, looking safe. You smiled at Steve, as you guys were basically best friends since you joined the Avengers and he helped you and Wanda deal with the loss of your guys’ brother, Pietro. You turned your head in the direction of the little blue car, seeing Bucky far from the group. When you guys locked eyes, you felt an excitement you hadn’t felt in a while.

As you stared into his eyes, all time seemed to stop. All Bucky could think of was how beautiful you looked as the sun hit your face. “Oh! And I know you also! Your her brother.” The man, who you had come to known as Scott (who was asleep the whole ride) exclaimed pointing to you and your sister. Both of you just have a small smile to him. Bucky was a little mad that your attention had been diverted somewhere else, but he guessed introductions were necessary.

When introductions where over, it was time to change. Before anyone else could, you and Wanda called dibs on the van. To say some weren’t mad was an understatement. It was going to be uncomfortable changing outside for the others. And to add salt to the wound, the both of you giggled as you guys got into the van to change. “Godammit, Wanda and (y/n) are always quick. Those troublemakers.” Clint grumbled quietly. Bucky just smirked slightly, finding it pretty amusing on how mischievous both of you were, especially you.

Your suit was designed to be like your sister’s. You had a trench coat, leather jeans, gloves and boots like her, except that your chest piece was kind of like a jacket, zipping up. You always left it a little open though. When Bucky saw you when you stepped out of the van, he was blushing furiously. He knew the times were different, but he wasn’t prepared to see you dressed so… nicely. You turned over to see Bucky standing stiff and you just gave him a quick smile and waved. You on the other hand, liked the way the silver from his metal arm popped with the dark colors he wore.

Once your teams were assigned, you went with Bucky and Sam to your guys’ hideout. Bucky was walking stiffly, not trying to make his boner obvious. You, as oblivious as always, took this as nervousness, and, in an effort to calm him, you grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly. If Bucky hadn’t been a mess by now, he definitely was one as of now.

‘Fuck fuck fuck, go to your calm place Barnes. Don’t make it obvious’ he repeated in his mind, trying to make his boner go down. Once he made it to the lookout place with you guys, he let out a loud sigh he didn’t know he was holding in. “Geez, can you sigh any louder?” Sam complained. Bucky just rolled his eyes at the remark. You simply giggled and said, “Easy Wilson, he’s a newbie to your sass.” He smiled slightly, thankful for you standing up for him.

All three of you were looking out the window until you guys saw a… person swinging towards you? Either way, all three of you started running. You heard a window crash and punches being thrown. “You have the right to remain silent!” Said the person, who you came to deduce as a boy yell. You rolled your eyes, clearly telling he was on the younger side. Why Tony would bring a child was beyond your imagination but hey, it was Tony after all and he didn’t really think things through to begin with.

You turned around and saw a clear shot, so you powered a hex ball that you threw towards him. He barely dodged it, so you decided to keep him distracted by repeatedly throwing them. Using that distraction, Sam was able to kick the boy. The plan backfired on you guys as he was making your way towards Bucky, who was standing near a ledge. With your quick thinking, you blocked the boy’s kick, which caused you and Bucky to break the glass and fall. Bucky wrapped his arms tightly around you as you fell and landed on his back with a thump. You opened your eyes and were met with Bucky’s.

“Well this is awkward.” You said while smiling lightly. He smirked and simply said, “It’s a good kind of awkward. What you both hadn’t expected was for web kid to web you guys together, in that exact position, with you straddling Bucky’s waist. ‘Oh no’ Bucky simply thought, hoping he wasn’t a roused down there. Sam eventually got webbed down there along with you guys. The kid explained how he had to impress Tony and some other stuff which you barely paid attention to. As he was about to shoot a web, Sam summoned redwing to drag the kid out of the window.

“You couldn’t have done that sooner?”

“I hate you”

~•~

You hadn’t expected to fight against your friends, but if it was for a good cause, then so be it. You saw Bucky struggling to fight a man in a panther costume. As Black Panther (you had learned his name due to his costume) was about to slice Bucky’s neck, you summoned your powers to stop the attack, which was very close to Bucky’s neck, and threw Balck Panther towards a crate.

You locked eyes with Bucky and simply nodded. He smiled back and gave you a thumbs up. From then on, you guys stuck together in the battle looking out for each other. You and Bucky hid behind a truck as Rhodey launched missiles towards both of you. Once both of you were hidden, you guys discussed your teams next move. You had come to the conclusion that Steve and Bucky where to leave in the quinjet and the rest of you would stay. To say Bucky was pissed was an understatement. He was furious that you had decided to stay.

You looked into his eyes one last time and pulled him into a hug. “Listen Bucky, you need to go and stop this doctor. You and Steve are the only ones who can do it. Trust me. Once the missions over, come back for me. Only after it’s finished though.” You said, trying to make him understand. “I promise, (y/n) Maximoff.” He whispered into your ear. You pulled back and cupped his face. He looked like he was about to cry, not wanting to loose another friend. You leaned in and kissed his cheek. He smiled brightly and with that, you got up to help your sister fight off the others.

~•~

Your mind felt hazy as you woke up. You looked around and saw that you were in the quinjet. You squinted your eyes, as your last memory had been of The Raft.

You had it the worst. They hosed you down with cold water and dressed you in clothes that got wet easily. And in addition, they made you wear a shock collar and straight jacket. Your sister was treated a little more fairly, which you were glad about. As long as she was safe it was alright. When Steve has found you, he was beyond pissed. He considered you one of his closest friends and seeing you like this had him seeing red. He had found you in a fetus position lying down on the floor, shivering from the cold. Your memories after that were blurry and you passed out again in the quinjet.

When you woke up, you turned your head and saw Steve and Wanda sitting in the chairs next to your bed waiting for you to wake up. “S-Steve?? …Wanda??” You croaked our, your voice raspy from the pressure of the shock collar. Wanda, after hearing you speak, got up from her chair and rushed to your side and holding your hand. Steve went to go call out for a nurse to let them know you were awake. The nurse came in along with Steve and checked on you to see if you needed more medical attention.

After reading your vital signs and making sure you were okay, she explained to you that you were in Africa, in a country named Wakanda. She told you that you were safe here, as it was hidden from the world, and, you should regain more of your voice in a few days. After she left, Wanda explained what happened after the airport. Apparently there were more Winter Soldiers and the doctor had been apprehended, but at the cost of the disbandment of the Avengers (and Bucky’s arm).

You frowned, seeing as the Avengers had become your family after you lost your parents and your brother. Steve was up next and he told you that Bucky went into ice again. He also explained how stubborn Bucky was being before it. Apparently, he didn’t want to start until he had seen you. They explained that you weren’t awake yet and that he would be allowed to visit after. But oh boy, was he one stubborn man. You smiled lightly. “They got fed up with him so they finally let him visit. He looked sad seeing you in that bed, (y/n). He told me to tell you that he also got you those flowers.” Steve said, pointing to the vase next to you.

The flowers were beautiful. It was a vase filled with sunflowers, which Bucky chose because they reminded him of when you guys met. The sun that shined on your face making you glow beautifully. You smiled, hoping Bucky was doing alright

~•~

A few months had passed and you had moved in with Bucky in a hut near the plains. It was beautiful whenever the sun would set. During that time, you became best friends with Shuri who at this time was helping you design a new costume. The sun had set and you were making your way back home.

When you had moved in with Bucky, the first few days were pretty awkward. Seeing as there was one bed, you guys had to share it seeing as both of you didn’t want the other to sleep on the floor. During the night, you had ended up cuddling into each other’s embrace. Your head on Bucky’s chest and his arms wrapped around you. Needless to say, it was pretty awkward when you guys woke up in the morning.

There was a lot of blushing at first, both of you trying to stutter out an apology. You guys eventually got up and decided not to speak on it. But again that night, you guys ended up on the same position. Eventually, that became your guys’ go to sleep position.

“Are you comfortable Bucky?”

“Of course doll”

~•~

This brought you back to the present day. Apparently it had been 5 years since Thanos snapped and it was now 2023. You were thankful that your friends were able to reverse it, but you suffered with the losses it took. Natasha has been a good friend of yours also. She trained both you and your sister in hand to hand combat and would always have girls (and one boy) night every Friday which consisted of you guys putting on a cheesy rom com or an action movie. How you wished you could go back to those times when life was simple.

Well, Steve did. He was able to go back to Peggy (which you didn’t agree with, since Peggy got to move on and live her new life). You would go back, but you now had Bucky, and you wouldn’t go back in time just to mess that up. On to you and Bucky. You guys were sitting in the dock outside of Stark’s house. Both of you sitting in a comfortable silence with your head on his shoulder and your hands entertwined.

“(y/n), what are we?” Asked Bucky softly. “I don’t know James.” You responded with the same softness. He turned his head towards you and said, “I think boyfriend would suit you great. If that’s what you’d like of course.” Bucky said, staring into your eyes and blushing. “I’d love that. We could find a nice apartment and move in there. What do you say Buck?”

“Of course doll”

~•~

It had been 3 years since the snap. You and Bucky were now engaged and it’s as if the touching had escalated since your engagement. Both of you would always be holding hands or if kisses were exchanged, your guys’ hands would roam somewhere else. You were currently with Wanda, about to tell her about your engagement in a coffee shop. She was talking about how she had a plan to help bring Vision back with the help of a woman named Darcy Lewis.

You were happy for her as since when she came back, she hadn’t gone back into the depressed state she was in before. She had learned to accept his death and know that there could be a way to bring him back. ‘Okay this is it. Just tell Wanda and she’ll be excited about it.’ You repeated to yourself.

“Wanda, I have to tell you something.” You said, mustering up the courage. “Your engaged to Barnes aren’t you?” She said with a smirk. “You read my mind, didn’t you?” You said, laughing quietly. “That and the ring was making it obvious.” She said smiling. “I wanted it to be a surprise, but this works as well.” You said giving her a big smile. “Well dear brother, just know I’m happy for you. Now, (y/n) Maximoff-Barnes has a nice ring to it. Or are you just gonna go (y/n) Barnes? Oh! Or maybe (y/n) Barnes-Maximoff?” She said, not being able to hold in her laughter. You joined her, laughing your butts off in the cafe.

~•~

Today was the day. Today you would marry James Buchanan Barnes. Your soulmate. The man who was there for you whenever you messed up. You loved him with all your heart. You had chosen Wanda as your maid of honor (obvi), and the others consisted of Pepper, Valkyrie (who refused to wear a dress which was fine, as you guys got her the flashiest tux), and Laura. Bucky’s groomsmen consisted of Steve who was the man of honor (time travel cause Bucky wouldn’t have it a different way) Sam (who was reluctant at first, but eventually gave in), Thor and Clint.

You guys had planned the wedding to be small as both of you guys weren’t big on big weddings. The colors were a mix of white and pink. You were nervous to say the least. Sure, you wanted to get married to Bucky, you were just worried about how the wedding was gonna play out. Eventually, the time had come to walk down the aisle. You were walked out by Stephen Strange per your request. He had a become a father figure to you, as he helped you control your magic more and eventually you guys became great friends and he claimed you as his “son” seeing as he didn’t want any real “rascals” as he put it.

So here he was, your adoptive father walking you to your new life. There he was, standing in a grey suit with a white shirt, pink vest and tie. It was a struggle to get Bucky to agree to that as he was used to wearing dark colors. As you made it to the altar, your eyes locked an never broke eye contact. Both of you in your own world not paying attention to the priest. Eventually, you guys exchanged your vows and were officially married. You wondered how you were gonna tell Stephen about how soon you and Bucky were gonna adopt, but that’s a story for another time. You don’t want grandpa having a heart attack, do you?

AAAAAANNNNNNNDDDD ITS DONE. WOOO THIS WAS A LONG ONE. IM SORRY IF ITS CRINGEY I WROTE THIS AT 1AM. As always please vote if you guys enjoyed. Love you guys!

[artsyxloner]

Not Just a Monster

Warning: severe Bullying, death, violence, very sad, eating disorder

[ So this Chapter is going to talk about some parts of Min Soo-Nico's past and leading up to what happened. I think you guys deserve some insight. Chapter 18 will return to normal. ]

17: Past Time Revealed

To be honest, the school was a place for kids just to be Terrorized and shrunken down to their little last fuck. I had walked out of the art class gripping my Sketchbook in hand.

I had bowed to my teacher Mrs. Choi before going. Just to be polite most kids weren't here. She smiled and waved me off, it was lunchtime and I had brought my Dosirak ( packed lunch) with me.

I had to stop by my homeroom to put away my sketchbook.

I decided not to eat at the canteen because it was too crowded. Plus I didn't like certain people that were there. So I eat outside it was much prettier not to be eating in.

Sitting down on a bench, I opened my container there was Tofu kimchi, white sticky rice. Taking my chopsticks I began to eat. It wasn't much because my mom has been limiting my portions.

She wants me to be like one of the skinny girls that didn't have to wear a large size skirt. Munching slowly, I heard a group of kids laughing Hysterically behind me.

Maybe they were laughing at something funny. Turning around to see what it was, there was nothing I got confused about? Where was it? But they continued to laugh.

The thing was they were staring at me laughing. But why? Their phones were out too. Like they were taking pictures or videos I didn't know for sure.

Calling to them I asked what was so funny. " what are you guys laughing at?" I yelled, they whispered to one other ignoring me. Soon they ran over to where I was.

" I think if you see this, you'll understand why we are." It was Kim Ji-Mun the new girl with the best visuals in our grade. " have a look." She turned the expensive phone towards me.

And what I saw next made me drop my chopsticks. My eyes were stuck on the screen I couldn't take my eyes off of it. " delete that!!" I begged to get up, trying to fix myself.

" Now why would I do that?" She scoffed, " no way, I think we'll be posting them?" I shook my head. " no you can!" I yelled my body started to shake. It was a picture of my skirt it had been brought up showing my underwear.

Students gathered around, seeing what the commotion was. I gulped, staring at the ground, " please, don't show anyone." I mumbled not able to take the embarrassment. If the others were to see I would the laughing stock of the whole school.

" wow this is embarrassing, fatty I just" she paused, " can't pass up this opportunity." She then took a photo of me either the flash on and posted the two pictures together to show the person with their skirt up was me.

There were some Notification alerts, everywhere, people looked up at their phones and busted out laughing. Show it to each other. My face was red hot, not knowing what to do I took off feeling my Chubby thighs jiggle as I did.

That was the day it all started.

....

I laid down on the ground, in one of the empty classrooms the teachers don't use. I was hugging myself breathing hard, they were all around me my body stiffened my eyes frantically looking up.

" awe, she looks so pitiful poor thing let's give her some food." Ji-Mun announced as the students came over. " this should cheer you up!" She implied as they dumped all of their lunch over me.

" come on eat it fatty!!" they all chanted, but I didn't even touch it. This seemed to make them angry because Ji-Mun came up to me grabbing a first full of my hair pulling my hair yanking my head back. " what did we fucking say?!"

She took some food trying to stuff it in my mouth. But I jerked around preventing her from doing it. I think she was having enough of my Resisting because she Signaled others to come.

I screamed out, wanting help but knowing no one would come it was after school plus someone was outside blocking the door. I was then pulled up by one of the boys, " if she won't do as we say they she needs to get beaten!" Ji-Su walked over to the classroom room closet.

Coming back out with a thick wooden stick. " it didn't have to come to this Soo-Nico, do worry everyone will get a turn." She grinned evilly, rising the stick I closed my dark eyes waiting for the impact.

And it came down hard and fast, sucking in my breath as it made contact with my stomach, tears leaked from my eyes one after the other. I was hit in different places with My skin busted opened, and bloodstains in my clothes.

This wasn't even the worst of it.

....

I Ignored my family when they would ask about the bandages I had put on myself. I couldn't talk about it though. It would just cause more trouble for me.

I've lost a lot of weight since a couple of months ago. My mom was proud thinking I was working on myself to look better but no I wasn't. It's We're I haven't been eating it's gone so far to where I made myself puke up my food if I ate.

But I gained it all back and more, my mother noticed and even made side comments. I knew she was just wanted me to be like the other girls for once and feel good In my skin. But She didn't realize how much it hurt that she didn't see me for who I was.

She did it with good intentions but the outcome well not much.

I was tired and numb. I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone even my family. I stayed in my room not coming out. I went as far as to say I hated them and I wish they weren't here.

I hated everyone from that point.

....

I walked down the hallways of the school, I glared at everyone that looked at me. I had lost so much sleep that the eye-bags under my eyes were so huge and dark it was hard not to miss.

I had gone to my homeroom, sitting in the middle of the class, everyone was staring, I Knew they eventually talk about me they gave me little papers with messages that said.

worlds fattest pig

Let see your underwear again

Must suck to be poor

I would find them in my bag, them sticking out of my locker. Even one was written on the homeroom Board. You can guess which one it was.

Ji-Mun arrived, in-class noticing me she stood in front of the Podium. " as you know if there's a rumor going around that one of you has talked to Soo-Nico?" Everyone that was in the room got quiet.

She must have found out about the new girl that had come, I dumped into her. She was sitting in front of me. One was loud to talk to me.

" I better not catch you because if anyone and I mean anyone who talks to Soo-Nico is dead!" The bitch threatened right before the bell for school starts ringed.

....

I couldn't be myself anymore, all I wanted was to be a decent person but they screwed that up for me. I was fine before all this even I still didn't like my weight I was working on it.

It was late and I was waiting for my bus to take me home. I wore a thick coat because it was cold out, as the wind whipped at my red-fleshed cheeks.

My nose ran a little, I think I was getting sick. But I didn't care, at least if I got sick. I wouldn't have to go to school I think I'll wait here for the next bus that comes to make sure of it.

Taking out my phone I put one earphone in listening to my song Magic shop from BTS. My bias was namjoon, and my bias wreck was Taehyung, Bobbing my head to the music I heard a commotion on the other side of the street.

It was Ji-Mun and her gang, they were standing around someone that was sitting on the ground on their knees. Who was she tormenting now?

Getting up I checked before crossing the road, making my way over. I saw it was the new girl,  I could hear her squeaky voice from here. " this will teach you not to talk to Soo-Nico again." 

" no please I didn't know!!" She cried, but Ji-Mun just gave her an irritated look. Stepping on her hand I Hearing a crack the girl screamed out in pain as she dug her heel in further.

I couldn't take this anymore watching this girl tormented others just to have control, " why don't you-" before Ji-Mun could finish her sentence I punched her right in the face.

She fell to the ground, holding her bleeding nose, " what the fucking hell!" Her eyes glared recognizing me. " why don't you!" I suggested,  knowing what she was going to say to the girl.

The next day my parents found out and told me I had to write an apology letter to Ji-Mun for almost breaking her nose. I was lucky enough they didn't press charges.

But What about the poor girl they were bullying? Did they have to apologize no! That's how the system works.

You get bullied they don't say anything, when they bully others, you try and Stan up from them but all you get in return trouble for doing so. Fuck them fuck everyone!

I told my parents to fuck off.

I didn't want anything to do with them at least that's what I thought.

....

It's been two weeks since the incident and I haven't gone back to school since. I laid on my bed with the lights off. I wasn't feeling good. Soon my mom came to the door knocking on it.

" Please just go away!!" I yelled hitting the door with one of my pillows. " please just come with me to the airport to pick up your brother. He wants to see you." She spoke of Jin-Woo.

I haven't seen him in forever since he aboard in the states. He was the only one that I didn't hate, at the moment. Groaning I got up getting off the bed, as I did I felt faint.

Steadying myself I went on and changed into a new pair of clothing. Opening the door. I was faced with my mom for the first time in a while. She had a worried look on her face yeah right?

" Are you feeling okay? you look, pale honey." But all I responded with was I'm fine. Sitting in the back seat my mom kept glancing at me asking questions.

Trying to start up a conversation, but I stayed quiet. " please god just leave me alone." I mumbled, but my dad heard, "your mother is trying to talk to you, stop being a little brat!"

He was turned in his seat facing me. " you haven't talked to use two weeks, when we get to the airport, you better be on your best behavior!"

Little did I know that would be the end of There's and my world.

Parking the car we got out and headed into the building. The places were crowded, with different types of people mostly Korean but there were some Foreigners.

Waiting nearby the gates, Jin-Woo should be landing anytime now. Sitting down I felt like I was going to throw up, I was sweating like crazy.

My mom noticed but didn't say anything afraid I'll fuss at her. I wondered where a restroom was in this place getting up I was stopped by my dad.

" where do you think you're going?"

I rolled my eyes, but he didn't see because his eyes were too focused on the magazine he was reading. " just to the restroom," finding out he shooed me away.

I had to ask some people where the restroom was. As doing so I passed a man, that was standing in one place, with some cotton balls up his nose. He was Turing his head side to side looking weird.

Getting away I finally found the restroom, standing in the stalls, I began to puke, rubbing my stomach as I did. I was sick I should have stayed home and waited for my brother.

After I was done, I wipe my mouth off with a sheet of toilet paper, I made sure that I was finished. Getting up I went over to the sink Turing it on splashing my face with cold water.

Looking up I was surprised at my reflection, my skin was ghostly pale, my eyes well they had strange veins in them, but I didn't think much of it probably just a symptom of this virus I have.

It wasn't long before I got more symptoms. My body got a cold rush feeling, as shivers went up to my spine. This is probably the flu, shaking my head I went on.

The weird man I noticed before was acting normal, maybe he's on meds? But he saw my eyes wide and hurried over to me. " you have the symptoms to right?!" He asked grabbing my arm shaking it.

"It is starting!!"

I look at him strangely jerking my arm away. " No, what are you talking about?" I backed away leaving the crazy man. Not knowing he was the first Infected.

As I went on it felt like the area was tipping, I staggered a bit trying to steady myself trying not to fall. My brain had that swelling feeling it seemed like I was being dragged into my head.

Not understanding what was happening I felt my body move but I wasn't the one moving it, I felt like I was stuck in my head and couldn't get out.

I then soon heard some gasps as something wet gushed out of my nose, It was blood and a lot of it. I looked into the window of the airport. That was right beside me.

And was horrified at what I saw was my reflection smiling back at me with pitch-black eyes. It waved slowly blood all over its mouth and neck.

Is that what I looked like to people right now? Because if I did I would be scared shitless. " you know you want to!" My reflection spoke to me. Grinning evilly. I felt my body backed away not believing what I was seeing.

What was this?

" what are you?" I breathed out scared. I covered my nose trying not to get blood everywhere. " I'm you but much worse." It giggled. Coming out of the window standing right in front of me.

" This was you're own doing Soo-Nico, 'tsk tsk' I'm not going to be enemy here." That is when I started to feel funny like I was losing my grasp on my mind it began to fade.

Then hearing inhuman sounds I began to dash towards people for no reason. Hearing them scream trying to get away, jumping over stuff pushing each other down.

It was all so quick and fast, that I didn't recognize the people standing before there was an older man, a woman, and a teenage boy. Their faces had a pure shock but I smiled creepily at them.

Then lunged for them.

Waking up my head hurt, slowly getting up, I looked around me seeing blood everywhere. My heart began to beat fast. Why was there so much blood? And why can't I remember a thing?

I almost screamed when I looked down. Not believe who was dead on the ground, I covered my mouth as tears immediately began to fall.

" No... No, God No!!!" I cried getting down on the blood-soaked floor seeing my family lay there lifeless. I grabbed my mom putting her head on my lap. " what I? –What happened? How—" I then remembered my creepy-looking reflection.

It was the last thing I saw before going Berserk. More eyes began to unfolded realizing I'm the one who killed them. And I didn't know why? My body shook not knowing what to do or who to call?

" I didn't mean to! I didn't– I wouldn't!! I'm sorry!" I screamed into my mother's shirt. Beating the floor with my fist, " I'm sorry for being mean to you!!"

I sucked in a couple of breaths, feeling my lips and chin quiver. As I sob from there on out, I had to live with the guilt of the death of my family never forgetting that moment.

[papichriscnco]

Best Friends

You and Richard had been friends for years and in love with each other for just as long. Neither of you wanted to admit it, both scared that you would ruin the friendship. Truth be told, if you had admitted it when you both felt it life would have been much easier. It wasn’t that you had never had moments where you almost confessed to how you felt. 

About a year into the friendship, the both of you were incredibly drunk and dancing against each other. Your ass was teasing him just the right about and he spun you around pushing you against a wall in the club.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” he moaned.

“Do it then.” you spoke bluntly.

So you did. He kissed you roughly, purely sexual desire pouring from your lips onto the others. You both wanted affection but the alcohol blending with your long held desire made this entire kiss full of passion. 

The next morning you were both afraid it would be awkward. You knew everything would be normal if you acted normal so you ran into his bedroom and jumped on him. Richard groaned, the hangover hitting him hard. He rolled over doing his best to ignore you and you just giggled.

“Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. That’s cute. You weren’t last night.” you had teased causing Richard to laugh before attacking you by tickling your most sensitive areas.

The memory of his lips on yours was one that you had thought of often. The way his lips roamed your body as you danced and the excitement you felt when his lips pressed against yours. You had spent the entire night kissing and you would often get yourself off at the memory of how it felt to be with him in such an intimate way.

The next time there had been an incident, Richard had spent the day drinking with the boys. They had given him enough courage to go to your house and confess how you felt. He had a spare key to the house and snuck in knowing your family wouldn’t be home. He crawled into your bed hoping you would be home soon, he was so consumed by your scent surrounding him in your bed that he start to get turned on. He had thought about how often you would have gotten off in these sheets and he couldn’t help but palm himself. The only reason he had stopped was because you had caught him 

“What are you doing in my bed?” you asked confused.

“N-nothing.” he responded embarrassed. 

“You’re n-not ,um, w-wearing anything under that, are you..?” you asked shakily. Richard just looked under the sheets and shrugged. He placed the sheets back roughly and without thinking showing just how hard he was.You bit your lip looking at him, “want some help?” His eyes turned dark and you stumbled into bed with him. You had started toying with his pants when you smelt the alcohol on his breath. “You’re drunk.”

“So?” he had asked guiding your hand back. 

“I’m not doing this with you if you’re drunk.” you hopped out of the bed and in that very moment as you left him in a cold bed, he had lost the courage to confess how he felt. 

Instead he turned to you and asked, “Would you reconsider if i was sober?”

You rolled your eyes, left the room and shut the door.

You had never spoke about that day again. Richard got off in your bed on his own, put his jeans on and feel asleep. You found him a few hours later puking in the bathroom. 

You always tried your best to forget that day. It had confused you and you had wished he had explained himself. It was too awkward for both of you so you just acted like nothing happened. 

The worst memory you had was when you had decided you had had enough of Richard sleeping around and it was your turn. You had dragged some boy back to your hotel. You and Richard were sharing a suite and your rooms were next to each other. You had spent the entire night trying to be as loud as possible, you were sick of hearing the girls Richard had sex with scream and keep you awake so it was your turn. Richard had seen you leaving with the stranger and immediately followed you home. He wasn’t going to let his best friend stay with alone in a hotel with some freak! Well at least that’s how he justified it. The truth was he wanted to put himself through the torture of seeing you with someone else. He thought it would help him move on. This was the first time you realised Richard loved you as much as you loved him. As soon as you had orgasmed, the guy left. You were laying on your sheet naked and peaceful when you heard the door open.

“Did you forget something?” you asked expecting to see the guy who had just left. Instead you saw Richard, nostrils flared, body tense and he was just wearing his boxers. It was three in the morning so it didn’t surprise you to see him half naked. “Oh, what?” you had asked confused by his presence. 

You grabbed a sheet to cover yourself but Richard pulled it away, he grabbed your waist with one hand and picked you up. You had your body wrapped around him and instantly you were ready to have another man inside of you.

“You think you can just fuck some guy and I wouldn’t care?” he growled carrying you into his room. He threw you on the bed and pulled his shorts off. He looked at you naked sprawled along his bed and grunted. “I can see where he has marked you.” It had hurt Richard to see these love bites along your chest, your hand moved to your clit as you bit your lip watching Richard become a jealous animal. 

“Fuck Richard.” you moaned throwing your head back as your arched your body. 

Richard moved over to you, playing with your pussy, just as he went to push his fingers inside you and recoiled. 

“Did he-?” he looked at you with fear on his face. 

You were confused at first but realised he was asking if he had finished inside of you. You sat up, crawling onto his lap so that your legs were wrapped around Richard’s back.

“No. Of course not. No one’s ever-” your forehead was pressed to Richard, your noses nudging one another. 

Richard breathed a sigh of relief before kissing you roughly and passionately. You had both needed this moment together. 

“And he was protected?” he asked just as he was about to slip himself past your folds. 

You nodded. 

“Good. I want to do everything he didn’t do.” he moaned as he filled you up.You groaned softly, biting your lip to stay quiet. Richard chuckled at you. “I know for a fact that you can be a hell of a lot louder than that.”

You blushed and instantly your volume increased to be even louder than it was with the stranger. The next morning Richard had to leave before you could wake up. He wrote a note for you.

‘Best. Night. Ever.’

That was all you both needed. If you were never going to admit to your feelings than these moments were enough to get you through the pain. At least that’s how you had felt at the time. Things were different now. You were both reaching your breaking point and couldn’t take it anymore. You should have known things would end up in a big explosion. These little moments of sex, kissing and passion were enough for the first few years, but here you were crying in your room. 

Richard had left for tour and for the first time, he didn’t offer to take you with him. You had thought it would be a romantic gesture just before he got on the plane. A text saying, ‘I got you a ticket to meet us for tomorrow. Start packing.’  But nothing came and before you knew it he was a week into tour without sending you a single message. 

You weren’t sure what was happening with your friendship but you were determined to find out. So with some encouragement from your girlfriends, you were on a plane to wherever the hell he was in the world. You had told Joel, not trusting the others to keep it a secret and he was waiting for you at the airport.

“Thank gosh you’re here!” he exclaimed hugging you tightly. “Rich has been such a downer without you this time around. Always sulking!” 

You laughed. You were growing more and more excited that you would see Richard soon. He must have just been busy...surely that’s why he hadn’t spoken to you. Joel didn’t even bother booking a hotel room for you. Even though Richard had one bed, you both assumed you would bunk with him. At least for the first night. 

“Are we going to the hotel first?” you asked checking the time, “or do we need to go straight to the venue?”

“We have time.” he smiled.

Joel had given you a key to Richard’s room and you were so giddy with excitement, you waited outside his door jumping up and down to expel the energy running through your body. Slowly you inserted they key and wandered into his hotel.

“Guess who!” you shouted putting your bags down. Richard ran out of the bathroom looking at you shocked. You smiled greatly running over and hugging him but he was different. He was keeping you at a distance, hugging you for a brief second before pulling away. “What?” you asked confused, “I thought you would be excited to see me?”

“I-I am.” he comments looking anywhere in the room expect at yours eyes.

“But?” you retorted, anger lacing your voice.

“There was a reason I didn’t invite you to this tour.” he speaks softly knowing how badly you would feel a stab in your chest at his words.

“Oh.” you took a step back. “W-what’s the reason?”

He looked in your eyes for a brief moment but the pain he felt dragged his eyes away. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Just tell me.” you said chuckling to hide that he had already hurt you.

He sighed, “We’re friends, I don’t need to invite you to every tour. It ruins my vibe. Did you ever notice that I don’t get as many girls as the rest of the guys? It’s cause you’re always so close to me. It’s fine! I love that we are friends but I just wanted a wild tour.” 

You weren’t hurt, you were pissed, “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.” your hand reached out and slapped him across the face. Your mouth moved in front of your mouth. You were surprised but you knew that it felt good. As you started to tear up, you realised this was the moment you had to tell him everything. “We can pretend all we want that we’re best friends but we’ve never been friends. We’ve always been more. We’ve always wanted more but we were too coward to admit it. So that’s why I’m here. I’m here to tell you that I’m in love with you. If you want to be friends well I’m sorry but I just can’t pretend anymore!” 

You turn around ready to leave and find some motel for the night expecting the hotel the boys were in to be booked out. You couldn’t even make it to the door because Richard spun you around, his lips pressed to yours before you could process what was happening. 

“I lied.” he commented when he pulled away.

“What?”

“I didn’t invite you because I was hoping that time apart is what I needed to get over you. Seeing you walk through that door made me so happy but I needed to be cold.”

“Why?” you asked skeptical.

“Because I can’t handle what we’ve been doing. Every tour, something happens between us that just crushes me more and more. I was trying to avoid that.” his hands were holding your face and he was looking in your eyes as he spoke.

“I can’t handle it either. That’s why I’m here to-”

“To tell me you’re in love with me.” he smirks.

“Oh shut up!” you grumble pushing his chest away.

“No come back!” he takes your hand bringing you towards him. “I’m in love with you too. Way more than you are with me.” he smiles leaning down to kiss you again.

[navegandoaciegas]

the love you deserve III

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (fem!reader)

Word Count: 2k

Summary: “He’s Bucky Barnes, Captain America’s best friend. He was the guy at the Triskelion, they say he’s the one who killed JFK.”

It can’t be real. Your Jaime visits and plays with lonely, sickly kids in hospitals because he remembers what it was like growing up with his asthmatic, diabetic friend Steve. Whoever this Bucky guy is, he’s not your Jaime, your Jaime could never harm a fly. Your Jaime is good, he’s compassionate. Surely your friend must be wrong.

Warnings: hurt!bucky, hurt!reader, angst, fluff, lying, cheating, drug use, alcohol consumption, language that Steve Rogers wouldn’t approve of.

A/N: AU where Civil War and Thanos never happen, Tony forgives Bucky and he retires. I’m not a native speaker, so forgive me for any mistakes :)

This is part 3, please like and reblog and let me know what you think of it :) feedback is always appreciated! 

Part 1 Part 2

Las Vegas, Nevada

You cheated on James, and that’s a fact. Would you have done it if you weren’t so intoxicated? Is it relevant?

You could take responsibility for your choice. You could admit to yourself and to him that it wasn’t a drug induced mistake, that it was the stupid decision you took in the spur of the moment because you were hurting badly and you wanted to punish him for the pain he put you through.

You could tell him that you got to the club with the intention of doing something stupid, that you put yourself in the condition to sleep with a random guy whose face you can’t recall and who fucked you even if you were gnawing for teeth uncontrollably, your mouth was likely foaming and your pupils were blown to hell.

Did the substances flowing in your veins give him consent, or did you? Are they to blame, or are you?

On another note, the one that comes out when rage surges in you, can you even cheat on a man who isn’t who he says he is? Is it cheating if he betrayed you first?

You’ve never been more conflicted in your life.

The anger you felt is still raging inside of you. You close your eyes and think of all the lies he fed you, of all the little ways he in which he deceived you.  

You don’t know what’s worse: letting the searing hot flames of anger destroy you or wallow in guilt and regret?

In approximately 4 hours you’ll be landing in New York where you know James is going to pick you up, most likely with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolate.

You could never mention sleeping with a random man after finding out his true identity and continue your life in peaceful, ignorant bliss.

You could confess to cheating and blame it on his deception and your altered state.

You could omit the cheating incident and jump straight to the part where you yell at him for failing to mention who he really is.

You have 2233 miles to figure it out.

New York

You’re being exceptionally quiet today, and that’s a first. 

Bucky was expecting you to start rambling about how hangovers hit you harder than they used to before, how you’re getting old because nowadays you feel your head pounding and your stomach churning all day after a night out. He was willing to bet that the first thing you’d do as soon as you landed would be to complain about Vegas’ blazing heat and the outrageous price of bottled water in airports, like you always do when you come back from travelling.

Instead you’re silent, because you have a headache you said, and you’re being less affectionate than usual.

He furrows his brows when you skip on hugging him and go straight for the car, but he doesn’t let himself think too much about it. You’ve probably just drunk too much, which combined with Nevada’s scorching sun is a recipe for disaster, so he stays quiet and drives you to your apartment. His important announcement is going to have to wait.

His quaint, cramped apartment is tranquil except for the tapping of the rain on the window sills.

He was coming back from a session with his therapist when he got caught in the rain, and because he’d been riding on his Harley he’s now dripping wet and in desperate need to get cleaned up. 

He decides he’s going to take a bubble bath with those little balls of foamy soap you bought him; you’ve told him that these ‘bath bombs’ are very relaxing when you want a ‘self care’ night.

He heads to the bathroom and turns on the water as he takes off his wet sweater and jeans.

He normally avoids staring too much at his reflection, but today he does. 

He has a few scars scattered around his chest and stomach, but they don’t compare to the angry and permanently flared, marred flesh around his left arm. If he looks closely he can still see the marks where he scratched and pulled the the skin in an attempt to rid himself on the prosthetic.

His therapist is a nice man in his 50s who doesn’t ever make him feel judged. He’s been trying to get him to accept his metal arm as a part of himself instead of a disjointed appendage that has done more damage than it could ever do good.

He mentioned something about associating positive things to his arm, or something like that. It can be watering a plant, petting his cat, caressing your hair, holding your hand.

Anything to trick his brain into thinking his arm can do good too. 

Sometimes it works, other times the only thing he can see himself holding is Maria Stark’s throat as he chokes her to death.

He’s been trying hard, but he knows he won’t make his peace with the prosthetic if he doesn’t come clear to you.

He talked about you today. The doctor suggested it’s time for you to know who he is.

He agrees. Steve agrees. Sam has been threatening to call you for months. Natasha doesn’t need to vocalize her threats: one look with those green eyes and she manages to be scarier that the metal chair.

He’s going to tell you before Jade’s wedding, he’s resolved. Can’t risk anyone recognizing him and causing a scene if you don’t hear it from him first.

To be honest, he’s terrified. 

He’s been doing a lot of reflecting since you’ve been gone, and the more time goes by, the more he feels like a lying scumbag.

At first, he was scared he’d lose you because of the Asset. He was scared you’d have a mental breakdown if you knew what kind of monster he is, and you’d leave him. You’re so beautiful, good, smart, you deserve so much better than he could ever be.

In his selfishness he couldn't bear to never hold you again. 

But as time goes on he’s realizing that if he doesn’t speak up soon, he will be losing you because of his deception.

He knows now you would accept him regardless of his past, his crimes, his murders, his nightmares; you already accept all his little quirks, his constant need for reassurance and affection, his unusual ineptitude with technology, his elusiveness.

He knows that what’s left of his life he wants to spend it with you. He doesn’t need a wizard in a sentient cape to know that in all the universes out there, he loves you in every last one of them, that he’d fall off that train a thousand times over if it meant he could one day be with you.

You love him and he loves you, he’s never been more sure of anything.

Anything except how angry you’re going to be when you find out he’s lied to you all along. He can only hope you’ll find it in yourself to forgive him.

Your roommates aren’t home when you get there, and Bucky is glad about it. He needs to have you all to himself for the evening.

“Hey, I’m going to take a shower, you choose the movie, ‘kay?” you say, and you stand on your toes to peck his lips softly. He smiles like the lovesick fool he is and opens up your phone to try and order a pizza for you both.

After multiple attempts at calling the place and using the website with no success, he sets on asking you for help. You’re in the bathroom but the water is not running yet.

The door is ajar, and he almost knocks and comes in when he freezes. The smile he had on his stupid face falls and the pounding in his chest is probably loud enough that you can feel it too, even if you don’t have super soldier hearing. 

Through the crack of the door he can see you’re naked, with your back facing him and your hair pulled up. 

Normally he would blush and close his eyes or turn around to respect your modesty, but now there’s nothing he can do except stare at you with wobbling lips and watering eyes.

Your whole body is littered with love marks, trails of red, angry scratches and deep purple bruises on your lower back, hips and arms.

He wants to think it’s not what it looks like, although it's pretty obvious. He wishes he could unsee what’s in front of him, plain as day: the unmistakable proof that you did what he never thought you would do.

He backs away from the door silently and settles on the couch, calming himself down from the panic attack he feels coming. He’s crying silently, tugging his hair painfully. He doesn’t want you to see him cry. He doesn’t want to look like a pathetic mess in front of you.

His heart hurts so much it’s hard to breathe. 

The water is still running when he finally manages to gain control over himself.

His mind is swimming with questions and accusations. What did you do, exactly, and why did you do it. Why did you feel the need to be intimate with someone else. Is it because he won’t be intimate to you? He’s sure you’re better than that, this can’t be about not being able to resist your urges, can it? Or maybe it is, and it’s his fault for forcing a sexless relationship on you? 

You’re always so honest with him. Sam says it’s a good sign that you always give him your phone for whatever reason he needs it for and you never worry about it, he says it means you have nothing to hide from him. You’ve never shown any sign that your feelings towards him had changed, and he’s been trained to look for the smallest of changes in people. 

Who is he? Did he mean something to you, or was it just some meaningless sex? Were you sober? How much did you drink?

He can’t believe you would cheat on him.

He’s still beating himself up about it when he hears the bathroom door open, and you come out wearing one of his oversized hoodie and a pair of leggings. You smile at him, and he tries to smile back despite the pain when you join him on the couch and snuggle in his arms.

The world is collapsing on him and yet all he can do is hold you close and cradle you in his arms. He nuzzles your hair, inhaling the distinct smell of coconut and peaches to ground him himself.

He can’t lose you.

You had 2233 miles to figure it out.

You didn’t.

You smile when you see him on the couch. You snuggle in his arms and relax in the comforting scent of the detergent he uses, the one that reminds him of his Ma. 

You feel his steady heartbeat and instantly calm down. 

You can’t lose him.

If he thinks you don’t need to know, then he doesn’t either.

[smokinholsters]

The Consequence of Anger - Part 1

This is an AU One Shot in two parts, it takes place about 2 years past 8:4 when Ty hits Ahmed.

“Ms. Fleming ?” The black suited man said to her as she approached with the skycap and several suitcases.

“I’m sorry I’m late, the flight was delayed.” Amy said apologetically.

“We were informed, I’m Bruce and I haven’t been here that long. Let’s get to the car and get you to Hudson.” He said after glancing down at the paper he held.

Amy was quiet and checked her messages. It had been two years since she’d been home and she watched the miles fade through Calgary and then south. She watched the mountains and the trees roll by and sighed. She had no idea what she would do when she got to Heartland.

She hadn’t ostracized herself from her family, they spoke often, rote stuff, nothing deep. Lou and Peter had divorced, she was building a diner in NY, Lisa was now living in the house, Georgie was show jumping again and Ty had an apartment in town.

Ty, they didn’t really talk much and after the 5th or 6th argument she had with him, she couldn’t take it anymore. The finger pointing, his guilt, it was all too much for her, there was nothing she could do. Amy knew when she made the decision that it wasn’t something Ty would ever be able to deal with, the root of his problem with her, her ability to earn. She was wary of it when he told her that he was uncomfortable buying a place on her money, the whole idea that this is what couples do, support each other as employment or circumstances allowed, not Ty, his abuse and the curse of his youth dug deep into his psyche and his needs.

Charger didn’t surprise her, get rich quick was his way out. He overlooked that they had screwed up and she bailed them out by the skin of her teeth. Neither of them offered her a cut, as the rider 15% would have been normal,  looking back this fell right into place with other things Ty seemed to not bother thinking about. He lived at a ranch she supported for years, he never seemed to get that, Jack was his savior, it was his ranch, it was mostly Amy’s money.

They made it extremely hard for her to visit and so she opted not to. She saw Lisa twice in Antwerp during her visits to Toulon, her grandfather even came along for one. Lou and the girls came once over the summer.

She vividly remembered the RCMP officers showing up to look for him a few hours after he had hit Ahmed. He wasn’t there of course having driven away without even hearing her out.

They stayed for a few minutes and spoke with the family who reluctantly informed the officer questioning them that Ty had indeed hit the Prince but only after words had been spoken. Shortly after they were forced to admit that Ahmed was leaving when Ty ran out, turned him and hit him, twice.

Bail was set high and the charges piled on. Ahmed was a Prince, a diplomat and very high ranked. He was considered a guest in Canada and his people demanded justice, someone had assaulted their Prince.

She could see the looks on her family’s faces when they deemed to speak with her, especially Jack, her grandfather. Apparently Ahmed’s delusions were her fault.

Walking into the house from the barn she stopped as the conversation going on at the table quieted. They had been discussing what Ty’s lawyer had said “jail time for sure”, how long would be a factor decided by how much other forces outside of Hudson pushed. This was a diplomatic incident with a life of it’s own.

“Amy, how’s that new client horse of yours ?”

“Really Grandpa, do you even care ?”

“What’s that supposed to mean ?”

“It means that you were talking about Ty, my fiancé and jail, and when I walk in you stop as if any of this is my fault.”

Jack stared at her.

“Say it dammit, did I come on to him, did we walk naked on the beach, sneak into the stalls, come on what is it you think I did ?”

“Amy, no one thinks that.”

“Then why stop talking ?”

“Amy.”

“What Lou have the words you must have done something have a different meaning now or that they all don’t think it ?”

“I didn’t mean …”

“Of course you did.” Amy said seething. “Dad’s abandoned ship altogether and you all sit whispering, how can we help Ty ? Well you can’t, this is on him, I had quit once before Ahmed flew here and twice more while he was here and before that dinner. How is it my fault Ty did what he did ?”

“The truth might have helped.”

“Lou knew the truth Grandpa, just because you and Ty didn’t is that what this is, did you want to hit Ahmed ? How about Dad ? You’ve never even asked me my side or how I am, I can’t imagine how unimportant that is to you compared to Ty.”

“He’s in jail Amy.”

“I know Grandpa, believe me I know and I’ll remember it every second he is, because no one here will ever let me forget it. I won’t be joining you for dinner by the way, you can continue this after I’ve changed.”

“Where are you off to ?”

“To deal with a problem.”

She left in what could only be described as a business suit with a simple “goodbye” as she passed the dining room table.

She got home late intentionally and packed. She was up early, showered before the rush and then kept to her room. She finally came out rolling two suitcases and parked them at the edge of the kitchen in front of the mud room.

She was dressed in working slacks, a jacket and a crisp white blouse. She wore the same boots she had worn home from Europe weeks before. She actually looked almost exactly as she had looked that day, hair, make-up and all.

“I can be reached at this top number, call or text, if that doesn’t work call the other but only in an emergency and they’ll know where I am and be able to reach me.”

“Where are you going ? When will you be back ?”

“I’m going to Belgium, I have a two year contract with Ahmed’s team as a coach and trainer. Ty will be dropped off about an hour after my limo leaves, all charges dropped. It’s important you text me that you have him at that top number.”

“Amy, what did you do ?”

“I did exactly what you most wanted Grandpa, I’m giving you back your son.”

“You can’t put this on me.”

“I’m not putting this on you, this is on Ty, him alone and his damn temper, but it is the end result you wanted isn’t it ?

“Not this way.”

“This is the only way and it’s done.” She said pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“And what do we tell Ty ?”

“Tell him whatever the hell you want Lou. I can almost guarantee someone will mention the contract before he gets here, my employer will make sure Ty knows he’s won.”

“He’s won what ?”

“Certainly not the filth that statement implies Grandpa, trainer and coach and there’s no guarantee that if he touches me I won’t kill him. I’ll deal with Ahmed.”

“I didn’t imply anything !!”

“I’ve seen the look of disappointment on your face before Grandpa, you and Ty can be disappointed together, it’s easier to point your finger in a crowd.”

“What do I tell dad ?”

Amy laughed “Dad ? Tell him I’ll be back before 10 years have gone by. He gets the same goodbye I got, none at all.”

“Amy, don’t leave bitter.” Lisa said softly.

“Sorry Lisa, bitter’s all I’ve got right now. Can I at least get hugs ?” She asked looking around the table.

Georgie and Katie came in dressed for school and looked around.

“What’s going on, why are you dressed like that ?” She asked looking at Amy.

“I’m leaving back to Europe Georgie, come give me a hug ?”

“That’s it, what about Ty, you’re, you’re just going back to him ?”

Amy just shook her head, “you know, just forget the hugs.”

She turned her back then and reached back to wheel her bags through the mud room.

“Take care of Ty.” She said in tears walking through the door.

Amy sat down on the porch wishing the car would just come and sighed when she saw it seconds later and right on time. She walked down the stairs and heard the voices from the kitchen.

Georgie was speaking “that’s it, you’re just going to let her go ?”

“She signed a contract Georgie.” Lisa said.

“So that’s it ?”

“Georgie enough !!” Jack growled “She did it so Ahmed would drop the charges against Ty, he’s coming home.”

It was mercifully the last thing she heard before the driver closed his door and sat down.

“I’m Stan, Ms. Fleming, Calgary Airport, Air France First Class to Antwerp, I got you a cup of coffee, I was told black.”

“Thanks Stan, how’s traffic ?”

“It shouldn’t be that bad, relax.”

She asked Bruce to drive through Hudson on the way to the ranch, it was a large limo with dark glass and people naturally looked up as it stopped at a light. They drove past Maggie’s and Amy noted both the familiar stores and those that had changed. Heartland on the other hand hadn’t changed at all as they rode though the gate. She hadn’t told anyone she was coming home, her contract employed her by yearly season which was technically less than two years. She didn’t want the hoopla nor did she know what she was going to do though several things crossed her thoughts over the past few months as she drew closer to this moment.

Soon after she had arrived in Europe she came to an agreement with Ahmed. Animosity wouldn’t work with the horses and if he wanted to win he needed to move on and stop acting like a love lorn child. She wasn’t now, nor had she ever been interested in him as anything other than her employer, her team captain and a friend. She also informed him that any chance of that continued friendship was gone. It took Ahmed a month or two but it finally stuck. He didn’t know that by then Amy knew that she and Ty were pretty much at an impasse especially since she would not allow him to visit her, she couldn’t risk that.

Since Amy had virtually no expenses and really didn’t avail herself of much in Europe other than occasional clothing splurges she was arriving home with a tidy sum of money. With salary, bonuses and other side work she was able to do in Europe during brief breaks, combined with the other money from the first tour and Zeus it amounted to several hundred thousand dollars, no where near rich but enough she hoped for a nice down payment on a property assuming they’d grant her a loan on reputation.

She saw Lisa’s Porsche and a truck that must be Jack’s “new” one as the limo pulled up and the driver got out. She looked around and didn’t see anyone in the paddocks but some horses. “Hello boys” she whispered as she spied Phoenix and Harley wandering and grazing along with several others. “Spartan will be home in a few days.”

Lisa walked out onto the porch wiping her hands on a towel and shielded her eyes ready to give directions to the lost driver but paused for a second as Amy stood up and looked at her.

“Amy ?” She cried out dropping the towel onto the rail and rushing down the stairs.

[i-am-sarah]

Mystery Woman /3

I know, that I´ve been gone for a while, I am sorry. But I was completely stuck in my finals. But now I´m back again!!! And you won´t get rid of me anytime soon.

Nearly a week after the incident the Sons were having a business deal going down in their garage, when a black limousine turned into the lot. Inside, Amelia grabbed her bag and turned to the bald-headed driver.

“Thank you so much for driving me, Pete. I have absolutely no Idea how I would have managed without you!” she said, while opening her door.

“No prob Miss Low, after what you did for me and my family I would do nearly anything for you. Getting you from the airport is nothing in comparison to what you did.” He smiled thankfully. “Well it was a pleasure seeing you again Pete. And that small deed is not even worth mentioning.”

Amelia got out of the car and made her way towards the little office of the shop. Her High-heeled boots clicked as she walked over the pavement. Her black cocktail dress, which was only reaching her mid-thigh clung to her body like a second skin and her thick dark hair wafted behind her in the wind.

She was dressed far too nicely to be going to a mechanics shop – which hasn´t been her plan originally - but plans change. And as the school´s office called to inform her about an incident involving her son, some other kid named Bradly and a fire extinguisher, she instantly called Pete, an … acquaintance of hers to driver her to her Son´s school and abandoned her Job.

The only problem she had right now, and the reason for her being here in the first place, was that the school not only wanted her to come in, but also the father of the little troublemaker. Something about him being the possible role model for his sons’ actions. However, her husband was not available at that current moment, as he was also working. Which is why Amelia couldn´t reach him over his cell phone.

That´s why Amelia was showing up at the Garage, searching for him.

As Amelia walked across the lot of Teller Morrow Automotive, towards the Garage, she instantly noticed the closed down garage doors. A strange look on the place. Normally it was always open for Costumers unless… some kind of Deal or something was going down in there.

It was just her luck, that that had to be today. Well at least she didn´t have to search all over Charming for her husband.

Just as she came in reach of the Office door, somebody yelled “Hey! What are you doing!” from behind her. In Amelia´s opinion the voice wasn´t manly enough to be of a Son. It sounded more like the person yelling was a young boy of maybe 19 years. And as Amelia turned around, her suspicions were confirmed.

A skinny kid, possibly in his early twenties, was jogging towards her with wide eyes obviously afraid of what would happen if she opened the door.

“Errr… Mam´ what are you doing? Are you here because of a car or something? Because the garage is closed today. Would you mind coming back tomorrow or the day after?” He was talking in a rapid pace and trying to get her to walk a few steps away from the Office and it´s conjoined garage.

Amelia wasn´t having any of that. She was in a rush to get to her husband and find out what happened at the school. “I am just looking for someone, would you let me pass?” She said, looking longingly at the Office door. She was very sure, that something was going down in the garage. Most likely involving her husband, due to his position in the clubs hierarchy. She looked back at the poor Prospect. “Pease?”

But he remained persisted. “I am sorry Mam´ but I-“ Amelia rolled her eyes. She was going to kill that kid if he didn´t step out of her way soon. She just wanted to get her meeting at the School over with. She´s never liked setting foot into a school. So, she definitely didn´t have time to stand here and argue with the pathetic excuse of a bouncer.

The Kid was still talking and anxiously trying to get Amelia to turn around, but she had enough of his babbling, with an eye roll she stepped around him and headed the rest of the way towards the Office door.

“Hey! I already told you we´re closed today and-“ the kid reached for her shoulder, something that he shouldn´t have done. Because Amelia´s natural reflexes kicked in right that second and with a quick turn and kick, she had him whining on the floor about a broken nose and was making her way towards the Office.

Amelia opened the door slowly and slipped into the Office. It was deserted.

Just as she was about to leave the Office in defeat, she heard a muffled “Humph” from her right and discovered that what she thought was a wall, was really a window covered by venetian blinds.

“Humph” again that sound followed by a variety of curse words. Amelia stepped over to the window, spread two of the blinds and peaked through.

She could see the garage, in which a group of people, wearing leather cuts with the Son´s Reaper on the back stood, surrounding two people. Another Son, one she recognized instantly and somebody else who was handing from the ceiling. Upside down.

For Amelia it was crystal clear what was going on. She herself had been present far too often at interrogations like this. In all of which she took the role as the person in the middle, the Interrogator. She stood there for a second, watching her husband work.

Working together has become a rare Occasion for the couple since they started living in Charming. hi

Amelia loved watching her him work. The way he new exactly where to punch to inflict the maximum amount of Pain in somebody turned her on immensely. Maybe that is another reason as to why their Cooperation didn´t work out that well. It most definitely always lead to sex. The fact that she had the same alluring effect on him when she worked didn´t really help either.

Amelia was so fascinated by the Happenings in the garage that she didn´t catch the Prospect from outside sneaking up on her and taking a swing at her from behind.

His punch wasn´t hard enough to knock her out, but it sure as hell made her furious.  

With a fire in her eyes that made him take a few steps back, she turned around and took a swing herself. Her fist hit him square in the jaw and he literally flew into the bookshelf to his left. With a loud thud, in fell to the ground, and he with it instantly blocking the door to the garage.

“Shit, kid. Did you have to do that? What did I even do to  you?” Amelia instantly regretted her actions she didn´t come her to start a fight. “You okay kid?”

The Prospect sat wincing on the floor with one of his hands over his face. She bowed down to take a good look at the damage she caused.

“Let me see.” She slapped his hand away. It wasn´t half as bad as he made it out to be. Her punch barely broke his skin. “A cool pack and a few days and everything will be alright again, kid. Don´t worry your pretty little face will soon look the same again. Maybe you´ll find some Lady that´ll play doctor with you. Girls like a wound or two they can fuss over.”  She smiled at him reassuringly “You all good, kid?” He looked at her a bit perplex. “Yeah, I´m alright … Thank you, I guess?”

Meanwhile in the Garage, everyone looked up as the noise of the fighting and fallen bookshelf emerged through the wall.

And as Amelia stood up and started to turn around, she heard a klick and felt something cold at the base of her head.

“Now, now, is that how you treat people?” 

 If you want to be tagged just ask.

@annakay84

[greeneggsandhann]

Hey guys. I’m Hannah. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict. Both Alcoholic and Addict are capitalized because I look at my addiction and alcoholism as an asset to my life rather than an expense. Here is my journey:

I know exactly where and when my disease started. It was 2010 and I was 16 years old. Some junior girls invited me to a sleepover with them. My friend and I have never drank before, so we thought this was going to be the perfect occasion, somewhere we were safe and somewhere we couldn’t get caught,...and if we did get caught by our parents, we wouldn’t actually get into any trouble other than a lecture or a very intense hangover. So, we all sat in a circle with two water bottles one filled with strawberry vodka and one filled with orange vodka. They taught and demonstrated how to take a “shot.” Step 1) Put a little bit of koolaid in your mouth Step 2) Drink the vodka Step 3) Chug the rest of the koolaid After I took that drink I remember my lips went numb along with my teeth. I thought this was crazy and I loved every feeling of it. We each had about 3 shots and within the hour we all were laughing and had a pretty good buzz going on. Things kept coming in and out for me. One minute I would be upstairs and the next I was downstairs trying to take more shots with my friend Jo. I finished the bottles and passed out in my own throw up. The next day when I woke up I was filled with shame and guilt because this poor girl had to clean up after me all night. I was mortified and embarrassed I couldn’t hang like the rest of them. Also, I felt like shit. Of course, I never would have known at that point in time that my brain functions differently than other peoples brain. In my 16 year old head I never thought I could be an alcoholic just by that one time.

I moved away from home for my first time and tried out college. I made up this huge bullshit story to my doctor about how I needed adderall to help me focus better in school. That was all I had to say and BOOM wish granted. The world in my hands. I could do so much more and actually enjoy anything I was doing while on it. About a month after I had gotten that script I dropped out of school and found a passion in the food service industry. Where I moved up fast. I Became a bartender and then moved up to management by the time I was 21. I was working long hours, close-open shifts. My tolerance with adderall built up. And I needed more and more to make it through the day. Eventually, my script lasted less than a week and that is when I started spending hundreds of dollars on adderall a month. When I didn’t have the money and couldn’t take it, I became a completely different person. I was irritable and lazy, always tired and pretty much careless. I remember thinking out loud one day to a friend about how much money I am spending on it and how I felt like I didn’t have any passion or care about anything when I was on it. But I didn’t think that was a stopping point I just wanted it to go back to how it used to be where I could take one per day and go to sleep at night without having to feel wired.

About a year of being an assistant manager, I was often tardy for my shifts. My best friend in the whole world fired me. It was something I needed. I needed to get out of the industry and move back home with my mom and save up some money. So that is what I tried to do. I stopped calling my doctor for the adderall because I knew it was killing me. That was when I started picking up pints of vodka. One day I had missed work because I got too fucked up during the day and passed out. I woke up to my mom screaming at me. So I got in my car and was on my way to my aunts. On the way I was hit by a huge SUV. I was still drunk and didn’t have my seat belt on and passed out in the car for a few minutes. When I woke up there were so many lights, firetrucks, an ambulance. My head was gushing blood. At my window there was the couple who were in the other car. I started screaming and crying and they were the sweetest couple ever. They hugged me and asked if they could pray with me. So we prayed. I was off in the ambulance next and asked them to take me to Mercy Health hospital because there must be some God there waiting for me. That happened to be the nurse who clearly knew what had happened but refused to do any blood work on me that could check my BAC. She was an angel and stitched up my head with no judgement whatsoever.

My next brilliant idea was to move to Detroit with my cousin, Jewell. Find a new scenery away from everything kinda like a fresh start for me. I was doing pretty good there. I didn’t have very much money to drink and no adderall. I found a good job at the airport. Then started bartending again and suddenly had good meeting so I started drinking more and more. Started buying pints every night to just chill and have a little fun and something to look forward to. Never really thought it was a big deal, but I never told my cousin about it either because she would be all weird and try to tell me I shouldn’t be drinking so much and watching my every move. So it was my little secret. Work was going well. Longer shifts were getting more difficult to me and I couldn’t understand why. I started getting really dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. My hands would shake and I was sweat profusely. I thought I had vertigo or something like that. Not once did I blame it on the alcohol.

The year went by and I moved out. My car broke down. Back at home with my mom and my brother. Drinking a lot. Having mental breakdowns often. Haunting dreams. That brought me to Pine Rest where I was an impatient for mental illness and drug abuse. I went into this facility thinking “its unrealistic I am never going to have a drink again.” That kind of attitude. When I left there I felt so good for the first time in a while.

About a month later I got wasted while working. I was taking xanax and sneaking shots while I was working. I got sent home. Probably fired. I drove and smashed my brand new 2015 honda civic into a parked car. Tried to start my car and get away. But my car was too smart and notified the police. I blew .31 and was still functional (kinda) So i went to Jail, and I tried every kind of way to get out. That includes faking a seizure and scratching so hard my wrists would bleed. Obviously, that didn’t work. I was too embarrassed and did not want to face my guilt and shame to call someone, so I didn’t. ohhhhh but they found me. and brought the whole litter to pick me up. (aunts cousins niece brother mom) I was offered to go to rehab that day and I told them that jail was rehab enough,

One month after that incident I was on my way back from Detroit I was feeling really sad and depressed and I had a lot of thoughts about suicide in my head. I was drinking the whole way back and made the selfish decision to speed up and hit a semi going 85 mph on the freeway. I didnt know what the plan was in that moment, I didn’t know if I actually wanted to die or just wanted a scare. It was so selfish and I cannot believe I would ever put other people at risk. I am so ashamed to this day. The cop asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or get breathalyzed. I choose the hospital. my BAC was 5X over the legal limit. and when my aunt and my mom showed up I cried and told them I was ready to go to rehab and I needed help. The next day I was checked into Brighton rehab center for two weeks.

Rehab was amazing. It is not a bad place to be. Its a safe and comfortable place to share your emotions and to withdraw without any judgement. I made life long friends and learned so much about recovery there.

Right after that trip I continued going to my SMART Recovery meetings and had just moved into a sober living house. I was doing really well I had gotten a job, learned how the bus system works. I learned so damn much in that month of being there. But another Relapse happened. It was a 4 day relapse. This time I was DONE.

I made my second trip to Brighton rehab center for two weeks. I knew this was not enough, After that, I admitted myself into the Sanford house for 44 days of rehab. I was doing well and I was nervous about leaving because I would actually have to start connecting with people at meetings etc. I really wanted to give AA a try so i started attending meetings. I found a sponsor right away who is truly amazing. She has taught me so much and guided me through the steps. I started going to YPAA meetings and connecting with young people in recovery. I have made so many life long friends through all of this. I had finally found a hope that I never thought could exist. I know that this is still early recovery and some people might say it’s my “pink cloud” but I have seen so much God in my life right now. Finally, I feel free and I feel actual Joy and contentment.

Being an Alcoholic and an Addict is an asset to my life. Because without this disease I would not be the strong and hopeful woman I am today, It is so amazing to be able to say I am Proud of me.

Long post. Thanks for reading. If you or anyone you know are struggling with addiction and need some support or an ear. PLEASE do not hesitate to contact in my messages on here.

Thanks again for reading. KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT AND IT SUCKS IF YOU DONT

ONE DAY AT A TIME

[singledadhamilton]

Storytime: The Scissors Incident Part 1

John POV

Part 1

It’s storytime!!!

Hello, you adorable and lovable fans whereas every Saturdays or Tuesdays (Williams forgot to mention that part) where one of us Hamilton kids will tell you a story from our childhood. They’re the craziest, funniest, and scariest event that ever happens in our lives for the past ten years. But pfft, this is known as from my family especially our family known as the scissors incident as it was something very unexpected and so yeah. This is a going a two-part story which yall needs how the event lead Let’s get on with this story.

This event took around when Philip, Angie, AJ, and James were about 12 ten years old and us which meant practically me, Williams, Eliza, and PJ was about 8 or 9 years old. I think us younger quadruplet were about 9 since we were only about 2 1/2 years apart. But anyway not relevant to the first part of the story...during the time between what  ....the incident occurs to our mom and dad. Well, dad has already been a single dad for almost a year at that time and we were returning to New York after leaving Nevis that we live over there for 3 years. FYI: We move to Nevis after month from the trick or treat incident. It was kind of hard for us to accept the fact to that we’re leaving Nevis since that became our true home despite being born and raised in NYC for the first years in our childhood but they never remind us such happy memories. My dad went through a harsh heartbreak because of my mother and soon my dad becomes a single dad to eight kids for the past ten years. So, after the incident, my dad immediately packed all our stuff up, sold all the items we didn’t need and got everything packed in order to live in Nevis. Turns out that my Uncle James whom my father assume perish in the hurricane many years ago. After telling him what happened between him and my mother...Tio James automatically pays for all the airports, tickets, and everything.

Next thing you know our little asses were living Nevis and we only talked Spanish both in the household but talked both English and Spanish outside the household. Since we mostly talked English during our times in New York but since my dad is a Hispanic Caribbean Immigrant. He thought it would be nice to know where our ancestry roots come from while speaking Spanish in the household.

Now, all you’re wondering well why does this have to do with the story? Why are you telling about your past? Hold it for a minute and listen closely my adorable fans. Ok.

After returning NYC from Nevis my siblings and I were trying to talk English more often nowadays since we always talked Spanish during our stay in the Caribbeans. Anyway, my dad worked a full-time job at this local 24 hours diner and we didn’t really see him that often since Papa was always trying to make ends meet. So we were trying to adapt talking more in English with each other but still felt a bit weird cause we have gotten so used to talking Spanish for the past three years. That when we as siblings decided that we speak Spanish at home and English when we go out with friends or school. And I remember this incident occur during summer vacation and we just been in New York for about two weeks now. I wanna say two weeks cause Angie is the one waking me up early for breakfast. I remember waking up in such bitchy ass mood since I ain't-a morning and still not to this day.

I glare at my sister and crankily toss my blanket aside with an attitude. Letting yall know in advance that I never acted this way with my dad. Cause Papa Hamilton doesn’t play around and he won’t hesitate to whoop my ass with the Chancla. Just thinking about it still send shivers down my spine. But yeah, my older sister loves me to death for being patient with me. Nevertheless, I was pissed that my sister woke me up early in the morning even though it was summer vacation. I didn’t want to go my Tia Peggy condo so she could babysit us while Papa work. Worst of all after washing my face, brushing my teeth, basically the typical getting ready morning such.

Worst of all is when Angie pull out the comb and oh my gosh...WWIII was about to start. My hair is naturally curly and wavy I hated when Philip and Angie would comb my hair since they’re heavy handed. I always prefer my dad combing my hair since he knows that it hurts if you pull the comb a bit too hard. But I was having none of is so I was doing the most and started fighting with my sister. I was swinging my arms and legs acting like a crazy person before Angie places the comb down and started shaking me saying...

“John!! Jackie bebe enough!!! You ain’t dying”  

Let’s not be judgy here ok. Let not. An older sibling can handle so much from their younger siblings. Especially dealing with a hardcore temper tantrum and I give credit to older siblings for actually dealing bratty younger siblings I’ve met during my middle school years.

Back to the story, I was still acting crazy and swinging around cause I didn’t want my hair to be combed. This kept on for a good five minutes until finally, my sister lost it. Angelica lost her shit and next thing I know smack. You guys, everything went frozen for me and touch my cheek where my older sister has smacked me hard across the face. It wasn’t even a slap or oh no it was a full on smack across the face. This immediately shocks me cause #1 cause she’s my older sister and wasn’t my disciplinary, #2 she has never smack me before and never lost her patient before, and #3 it really hurt me that Angie had the gut to smack me across the face. I like “Girl, I know you did not just hit me on the face” but I didn’t do anything at all. I just stood there frozen like a statue as my sister combs my hair.  

I automatically put on my hoodie and cover my face since I didn’t want to look at anybody, I especially didn’t wanna look at Angie ugly ass face. Just kidding sis, I love you and you’re beautiful so yeah. My dad didn’t question it cause he knew that when I’m upset about something or someone I’ll put my hoodie on so I don’t explode and take my anger out on anyone else. But I guess he thought I was mad at him for letting Angie comb my hair. So we ate breakfast very fast cause my dad has to go to work an hour early than usual, after arriving at Tia Peggy condo and say our goodbyes to Papa after dropping us off. Us all eight kids including Uncle Lafayette and Uncle Hercules kids: Georges, Anastasie, Marie, Henriette, William Cooke, and John W. Which adds up to 14 hyper kids in one huge condo with one woman watching us as our parents work. All 14 of us place our stuff on the coffee table in the living room before going to the playroom for the younger kids and the game room for the older kids. I put my spiderman backpack on the coffee table and took off my hoodie since I felt that I wasn’t mad at Angie anymore.

As soon I took my hoodie off Henriette took one look at us and gasp as if I grow a second head or a third eyeball. I gave her a confused look and asks

“Henri? What’s wrong?”

“Yo...Your cheek...”

“What about my cheeks?”

“One of them is red”

“Red?”

As soon Henri says the word “red” my Tia Peggy automatically come to us and also given me a worry somewhat concerns look on her face. She quickly drops down to her knees and inspected my right cheek before touching with the tip of her fingers as if I would break. I was looking her and Henri all wondering “What chu mean my cheek is all red? Like I wanna know”. Peggy hugged me tightly and looking at me all scared and freaking out on the inside which made me scared as well. Like, I didn’t know what they meant about my cheek being red and with my, Tia Peggy hugging me tightly and acting very concern just seem all weird and guilty in a way. And she started asking me all of these questions like

“John, sweetie. What happens to your face, baby? Did your siblings do it? Or did you fell and hit your face?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Tia. Can I go and use the restroom?”

My tia just let my little self-crept to the restroom which was right next to the game room so I enter and did my business. Cause I really need to pee as well but after doing my own thing as I’m watching my hands that when I notice the red mark on my cheek where Angie has smacked me early in the morning. It was still a fresh red color and you could see the finger marks of the mark. It actually looked like I came from an abusive hold house which made me very angry knowing that Angie has the audacity to let come here with a red mark on my face. Now that Henri and Tia saw it I was mortified, embarrassed, and angry. I storm myself out of the restroom and just saw Angie playing Pacman with Philip and I was just glaring so hard with tears streaming down my face. Next thing you know in my head I told myself...

“I’m calling dad. I just want my Papi right now!”

I race toward Peggy and began crying my eyes out which freaked her out overall and automatically her future mother instinct flew within her. Getting down on her knees again to level at my height before wiping my tears away.

“Jackie, sweetie. You ok? You want me to call your dad”

“Please...I want my daddy right now. I want to call my dad right now”

She quickly calls my dad as I’m still crying my eyes out and talked with him for a while. I couldn’t stop crying since I felt so mad that Angie has smacked me and angry at myself that I didn’t tell my dad sooner. As she handed me the phone I kept on crying even though I tried to stop but I couldn’t. My dad started freaking out cause he knows that I don’t cry for no apparent reason unlike someone I know ha.

“John, mijo!! Bebe que paso? Why are you crying?”

“Angie me golpeó. Ella tortazos yo difícilmente en la cara. Ahora, mi mejilla es todo roja de cuando ella me golpeó… y deseo ser con usted… papá”   (Angie hit me. She smacks me hard on the face. Now, my cheek is all red from when she hit me...and I wanna be with you...daddy)

“Ella qué?”  (She what?)

Ladies and Gentlemen when I told my father that my older sister has smacked me across the face. I knew that I have sealed my sister fate. Papa Hamilton is very crazy for a lack of better words especially with his children due to that he’s a single dad now. He’ll go craz craz if someone ever laid a single finger on us and my dad would lose his shit right then and there. Not only that, but he’s also strict with us being family and us getting along since he assumes that his brother died many years and regretted never bonding with Tio James until now.

So my father one and only rules for all of us as kids were:

“None of yall are loud to hit each other. I understand that you’re siblings and you’ll fight but if I ever see you hit one another. You will be punished if yall have problem one another you’ll come to talk with me and we’ll sort this out. Do I make myself clear?”  

If my dad ever heard that my older sister just slap me earlier in the morning. Oooh.....she better starts saying her prayers right now. Next thing I heard the tone of his voice change from concern and worry to furious and angry. And it wasn’t when he yells that scare me it was when he scolds you in such a calm voice that has a hint of anger within it frightens me to the depth of my soul. I never heard my father in that tone before perhaps maybe with my older siblings but never to us since I guess we were still a bit young. Still, that’s not the case...I remember what he told before coming over to Tia Peggy condo.

“I’ll come to pick you up mijo and I’ll talk to your sister about it”

“Ooh ok”

After my father and I finish talking once again but lasted for about a few more minutes before hanging up. I left it at that and soon went to the playroom and started stacking blocks. Williams and Eliza were wondering how did my cheek get a mark and why my cheek is all red? But I didn’t answer them and just minded my own business just waiting for Papi to come here and ready to scream at Angelica in front of everybody. As I said, Papa Hamilton is crazy with his kids, especially with his younger kids. I was just minding my own business until suddenly I heard the door slamming shut. My siblings and I instantly knew that it was our dad slamming the door which meant...he is pissed off. I saw him coming into the playroom with a blank expression on his face but I knew on the inside he was furious that Angelica has slapped me across the face.

Not even saying a word to me I automatically walk toward to him just feeling happy that he was here. My siblings were shocked and confuse seem my father always worked for a full on 12 hours. Until happen something happens to one of us so this situation was very serious. My dad got down on his knees looked my cheek that was still a bright red color. He still hasn’t spoken a single word so Papa took me to the sala and the first time throughout the whole ordeal my dad finally before snapping his fingers.

“Siéntese”

I hop my little ass on the couch as my dad went upstairs again to where the game room was at for the older kids. Not even five minutes later I heard Angie squeal lightly while Tia Peggy close both doors of the game room and the playroom. Next thing I know, all I heard was a thud and a smack!!!!

You guys my dad grabbed my sister by the hair, push her against the wall, and smack her across the face. And before yall starts getting all trigger of offense letting yall know that my dad isn’t abusive. Hell no. My dad gives the ordinary spanking that many parents do but if one of us kid hits each other then he’ll smack across the face.

1. For acting stupid and being violent

2. Cause you disobey his number 1 rule about us hitting each other.

I didn’t saw him smacking Angelica but I heard it loud enough from the sala before Dad began one his lectures. I wish he was yelling and it would be over it. But nope it was in his scary clam voice.

“How you do like it? How you do like being smack across the face?  How could slap your 9-year-old brother across the face and let him come here? Knowing you...yourself that his face was  all markup”

Angie began stammering and twisting her words over while explaining to dad...even though she just got slap by him.

“Well, he wasn’t listening..o..k...I was trying to comb his hair. He was swinging his arms and legs at me!! He was being bad though...”

“NO!! Unacceptable!! You knew perfectly well that you weren't allowed to hit any of your siblings. Instead of calling Philip or Me to clam John down. You let yourself get all impatient and smack John on the face. And be lucky this is a summer vacation and not a school day. Cause if you let him come to school looking like that...the teachers or possible the principal will believe that I’m the one that him. Not only will the police be involved but so will CPS. DO you know how hard it is for dads to get full custody of their kids despite having a clean record? Not only that but they’re also waiting for them to screw up so they can take the kids away. Do you want that to happen?”

I’m not sure what happened next but Papa Hamilton brought my sister into the living room and face her in front of me. She kept looking down at the ground with my dad who was waiting for her to speak and apologize. She looked at me in the eyes with her cheek now all red when Papa slap her.

“Look, John. I’m gotten impatient with you and I shouldn’t slap you across”  Angie spoke with a guilty look on her face but I didn’t care with a nonchalant attitude and response.

“It’s ok”

My dad and I peace out of the Condo where he took to the local diner. But I still wasn’t satisfied till I got my revenge on Angie. I’m gonna end this story here tonight and we’ll upload the second part either on Tuesday or next Saturday. Bye.

[kanon-mendi]

Anime Expo 2018 Story

GOOD DAY EVERYONE!!!

I am finally back from Los Angeles and HOHOHO DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU!!!!! This year was the absolute BEST year from the last 3 that I’ve gone and I literally could not top any other year from now on. (7/11/18: it is 11:47 PM and i JUST finished this... :’D)

LETS START SHALL WE!!! OKAY!!!!! :D

Day 0: Arrival and Pre-Show Night

This day was pretty long. The night before, I was confirming orders and receiving payments that pretty much kept me up for a while. Also, my mom’s friend who’s a priest was in town for the week to relax a little. I needed to stay up-to-date with everything. ANYWAYS, so that morning I woke up around 8 to finish packing. Now, sadly my Tokiya LS cosplay never arrived so I had to abandon my wig that I worked tirelessly for. I just brought with me the Camus cosplay that I had. My best friend had my contacts and I asked someone to make me the wig since I didn’t know if that was also gonna arrive on-time. I finished packing, and my mom took me to the airport. I realized that my flight was later than what I predicted so we waited there for maybe 20 minutes before I had to leave. Now, because of my Cafe experience last year, I was scared and told her to please pray for me since I didn’t want that experience to ruin my year. I boarded my flight and arrived to LA. Best part about it was that I got to sit in the near front (flying with Southwest) and got out of there super quick. Upon getting to LAX, I grabbed my bag and met with Aria and out friend Sally, who was a volunteer this week. Sally was going to take a shuttle to her hotel and we took a Lyft to our AirBnB. When we got to the place, it kinda didn’t look like the pics that we saw, but we sucked it up since it was close to the convention center. Now, I was VERY hungry since I didn’t have breakfast. Aria and I arranged so we could go to Curry House for our lunch. We had plenty of food before heading to our destination, the Los Angeles Convention Center. When we got there, we went to the premier lounge to pick up our swag and then to charge my phone because I forgot my portable charger at the AirBnB. I forget how long we stayed there, but after wards we went to the Entertainment Hall to look at what they had to show. Well.... it was only me that went first because Aria was somewhere else, I forget. Anyways, while I was down there, I saw the World Cosplay Summit costumes from 2003 and after and they look so. Damn. Cool. Like, if I had the right amount of patience for cosplaying, I would definitely do it, but I got frustrated just making a badge. Can’t imagine myself doing more. Then I went to the Wacom booth because I wanted to see their amazing tablets. I also wanted to know prices because I want a new tablet since I broke the stylus and charger out of yet another frustrated episode. Tbh, I’ve been wanting a Wacom tablet for years. However, I only tried them that night because of what you’re about to read later. So, because of that problem last year at the Cafe, Aria decided that it was best for her to go alone (please remember this for later in my story) to make sure that those involved weren’t there. While she was at the Cafe, I chilled out somewhere for about an hour and for the next hour or so, I waited for her to get out. While I was out there, I kept hearing things that really made me uneasy and I was starting to freak out like ‘should I really go there tomorrow’ but I kept myself distracted with Reiji’s current event so I won’t think about the anxiety I had. So when Ari was to get her picture taken, the doors had opened so anyone on the outside could see in because the show had ended. I saw Aria and told her to please hurry because it was almost midnight and I needed to sleep. I didn’t look inside very well, which was good for me in a way because I didn’t want to see what else was in there. As me and Aria were going back and forth, lo and behold the MC, who remembered who I was and was standing AT THE DAMN DOORWAY was all like “Come inside” and I said “No!!” and he was like “Why not?” and I said “Because no!!” and that’s where that little thing ended. When Aria came out of the Cafe, she told me that the people involved in my incident from last year aren’t there this year. Meaning that my celebratory dance from the week before kept going and when we went outside, I literally yelled “FREEDOM!!!!!!!” because I was so relieved that I was going to be fine this year. I was going to enjoy this con SO MUCH because of that news that I won’t have to hide my emotions. I am free of the curse I was going through for a year. I am safe.

Day 1: 20 Hours Awake

This was the day of the Boku no Hero Academia panel with Daiki Yamashita and others (Melissa and Dave Ifgorgettheirlastname VA’s were there). As a Premier Fan badge user, I could reserve my wristband for the panel days before online to just pick it up the day of the panel. However, because Aria didn’t reserve hers on-time, we had to literally arrive at the convention center around 4-5 am. At that time, there were already about 200 people lined up for the panel wristbands. I made line for priority entrance since I had nothing better to do. Anime Jungle didn’t bring anyone cool this year, so I just had more time to look around the place before going to the premier lounge and picking up my wristband. Aria was lucky enough to get hers so that way we could go together. As I was waiting at the priority entrance, staff took us all around the place WHERE because they didn’t know where exactly the first entrance was. Maybe 3 turns around the convention center to just get us back to our original line up place WHERE WE STARTED. I was borderline tired since I’ve been up since 4 and to be taken in circles was really hitting me in my ticked of spot. So, after we were in, I was talking to a few people in line and, let’s just say I made new friends. Aria met up with me later after she had gotten her wristband. So at first, we spent some time in the exhibition hall. I went to the KLab booth to play some Shining Live. It is actually kind of hard to play on a large screen, but I had fun trying all songs (except Mirai Chizu) and it was also very hard to get the S score with the cards they had, expecially with QN songs since there’s only 4 UR instead of 7 like Starish. I tried Poison Kiss and Force Live. Still couldn’t get the S score. At around 10 I headed to the premier lounge to get my wrist band. Now, one cool thing I found that was a great addition to the Expo, it was that badge scanner feature. Meaning, if you don’t have a badge, there’s almost no way for you to be let in. It was great. That also included the Premier badge entrance. After getting the wristbands, we headed down to the west hall cafeteria tp grab something to eat before lining up for the BnHA panel. After eating, we went to line up and curse me for waiting.

ALL THESE PEOPLE WERE JUST FOR PREMIER ENTRANCE!!!!! It was absolutely crazy. Staff was great for getting us lined up and getting us in. Once we got inside, we were lucky to get seats near the front. I think we were on the 4th row. Anyways, when the panel started, they reminded us of no photo or video, which makes sense since there’s a lot of spoilers. The movie itself was AMAZING and the cast was so nice. I felt so cool amongst the thousands of fans. There were approximately 3000 fans IN THAT ROOM so y’all have an idea of how packed it was. Though what was weird is that there was an extra seat right next to me. so there could’ve been more that could go in. Anyways, getting out was much tougher because of the many people that packed up the place. We went back to the exhibition hall because we needed to pick up colored contacts for our cosplays. I have some blue ones that could work for both Camus and Tokiya. But here’s a big downer. I ordered my Tokiya SL costume June 5th. I put on the website that I needed it by July 2nd,  July 3rd at the most. On their website it said 7-12 days to make and 4-7 days for shipping. In total, it shouldve taken no more than 25 days to make and ship. BOI WAS I WRONG!!! June 25th is when I sent my first email to them saying if my costume was ready. They tell me not.

Then by June 28th, I tell them again if my costume is ready to be shipped because typically when a customer says they need it at a certain day, that should put a little pressure. Ho no. They tell me that the costume is not yet ready and they will tell me when it’s shipped out. JULY 2ND I TELL THEM I NEED TO CHANGE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE IT NEVER ARRIVED IN MY HOMETOWN IN NEVADA and they tell me it’s possible to change and I did. JULY 4TH!!! THE DAMN DAY OF MY FUCKING TRIP IS WHEN THEY TELL ME THAT MY COSTUME IS ON THE WAY!!!!! HOE, I AINT WAITING THAT LONG!!!

When I recieved that DHL email, I IMMEDIATELY changed the shipping so it arrives at the Reno office so I could pick it up because I was that done with the fucking company. BACK TO ANIME EXPO!!!!! After the Exhibition hall, we went to the Premier lounge just to relax and Aria wanted to go to Cybird’s panel. While she was there, I relaxed and went down to the Entertainment hall once more. After that, I forget what else we did and then we lined up to go to the Butler Cafe at 9:30. That was our original plan to go because I remember from previous years that they like inviting fans onstage for their birthday and I was to yell out that Aria’s birthday was in 6 months and if that counted. So we get there, and while we’re in line, Aria tells me “Hey, get a picture with Akashi. He was the host at my table and is a ton of fun.” I was like alright, a replacement!! We get inside and the guys at our table were Jiro and Takkan (?). They were the definition of fun. They literally gave us a fun time and I really wanted them at least to host my table one more time. Yes, it was that fun. Highlight of the night was when the butler dancers danced “DNA” by BTS with the original choreography and “Talk Dirty” by Jason Derulo. Now, please take in mind that “Talk Dirty” was used in the first AMV I saw of Voltage CGs. I literally died inside because I didn’t expect them to take it that far. It was fun tho!! I got the FB batch of orders, took my picture with Akashi, who was super cool cuz we talked about BnHA and was really kind. Good person.

Then I went to take my picture with the cosplayer Voltage used (insta: https://www.instagram.com/th3lazyn1nja/)

Weird part of that Voltage experience was that there were these girls WHO WERE LITERALLY FLIRTING WITH HIM AND I WAS SHOOK LIKE never in my years in life would I go that far with a stranger, HAHA NOPE. Aria tried to do a reverse kabe-don on him but failed miserably. Also remember this for later in the story. We left the Cafe and once outside, I again screamed FREEDOM because that experience was better than the last 2 years.

Day 2: Meeting Maeno

This was a blessed day for me. Tomoaki Maeno is probably the longest-running celebrity crush I’ve had. Now, I usually am not 100% open with these things because I respect their work and I respect their space, which is why I buy their stuff and watch their works to express my love for them. The day I heard that he was coming to Anime Expo, I flipped out and actually cried. Luckily I had no make-up on yet (it was my bro’s graduation) so I BLASTED Aurora and other Maeno songs I have on my computer. I called Aria so we could cry together. BACK TO AX We got up around 4 again to prepare for Maeno’s appearance that day. I did my efforts to look like Camus but I was so scared to put on the contacts. I would do it eventually, but at the moment, I just couldn’t because I hate things in my eyes and I’m super sensible to that stuff. I woke up a little earlier than Aria so I could shower, put my corset on, do my make-up and help Aria style her wig to make her look like a female version of Lupin from Code: Realize. I told her to keep her hair up since she planned on going original for the other half of the day. Before I forget, as I was getting ready and Aria was in the shower, I was watching Shunsuke Takeuchi go live on Instagram. He was promoting his new song with the unit AMADEUS. I left one comment that said, “Hello from America!!” and he replied with “Hello!! (waves) From Japan!!” which honestly made my morning and told me that I was gonna have a good day. Anyways, after we were both ready, I headed down to the convention center to start making the premier line for the Cells at Work panel, which is where Maeno was to appear. I also had to meet up with a lovely person that I asked if they could custom make my wig. I paid them for the wig order and for the design so all I had to do was pick it up and put it on. I waited inside the whole time because that day it reached around 104* outside. No way in hell would I stand outside in that weather. So anyways, it was about an hour waiting inside for the wig to come. I didn’t mind because that whole time, I was writing Maeno’s letter. I literally spilled everything I had to tell him because I really felt it was finally my time to confess to someone. I literally didn’t tell him I loved him and wish to be with him. Again, I respect an artists’ space and wouldn’t want them to know that since they’re told that same thing by many other obsessed fans. To shorten it up, I told him that I’ve been a fan for years and will always support him in his work. After getting my wig, I just played a couple rounds of Reiji’s event in Shining Live. I was top 100 this whole time and really wanted to keep my ranking. Here’s where things get a little meh. The panel was supposed to start at 11, meaning they needed to let us in around 10:30-10:45. I was getting worried because Aria was taking forever at the post office since she needed to pick up some CDs she ordered in case Maeno signed our own items. I kept telling her that it would be a little late for the panel since the staff kept saying it was capped and that no one else was allowed to get in line. The premier line kept getting bigger and general entrance was shortening. Men and women alike were filling the LP4 line area. It wasn’t until 11:45 when Aria FINALLY arrived and I said “We’re gonna be in there when it’s supposed to end.”

It was about 12:15 when we could FINALLY go inside the panel and they were STILL having technical difficulties. I was VERY patient because I REALLY needed to see Maeno. Panel didn’t start till about 12:30 ish. So the MC was really cool and made us feel like we weren’t abandoned. After she got us all warmed up, the moment of truth came. I really didn’t expect it to go so fast and, pretty much at an instant is when Maeno was invited onto the floor. When she said to give the warmest welcome to Tomoaki Maeno, I. Lost it. I had tears in my eyes, they just didn’t drip down because my body was conscious that I had make-up on and didn’t want to ruin it for that perfect person. He was literally so relaxed and so sweet to us. I honestly couldn’t find a better day to be alive. After his little intro, he got us hype for the “Cells at Work” episode. It was so funny and every time White Cell came on the screen, the audience would lose it. That included myself, which I think was the loudest of all. After the episode ended, Maeno was invited back and 3 different producers were also invited on the stage. They talked about the show and how much effort they put on it and wanted to bring as much authenticity to the series. I’m so glad I understood a lot of it or else I would’ve cheered at the wrong time. Now, most of the time I was super distracted cuz I was staring at Maeno the whole time. I just didn’t want to take my eyes of him for a single second. He’s just so beautiful in person.

Towards the end of the panel, 3 lucky people would receive a huge posted SIGNED AND DELIVERED BY MAENO HIMSELF!!!! I was a little hopeful that they would call my number, but considering my super bad luck in any raffle of any kind, I didn’t win. I was happy though that Maeno came close every time. Which just seeing him made me happy. When the panel finished, I sped out of there to the signing because 1, my friend dropped her gloves to her Cardia cosplay (not Aria, she was Lupin) and 2, I needed a good spot for Maeno’s signing. We waited there less than 40 minutes. In that time, Aria tried again to go to the post office to get her things, though I kept telling her it was no use since Aniplex had given us posters to have signed. She left either way. While in line, I was talking to the people around me and made some really good friends and got to see some old friends. BEFORE I FORGET TO MENTION!!!!!! So, in order to get a ticket to Maeno’s signing, you would’ve had to attend the talk show at the Aniplex booth in the Exhibition Hall. When I attended, they briefly talked about what we were expecting and how to get the tickets. I was near the stage and I was lucky enough to be one of the first to get that ticket.

BACK TO DAY 2 So we’re waiting in line and we’re going on and on about Maeno and all of a sudden, the girls I was talking to say “Look!!” and I turn around and there he is. Majestic as Camus was Tomoaki Maeno himself on his way to the table. I let out a little scream and waved at him. No one else but us turned around to see him. I let Aria know that Maeno was now at the tables and that he would be signing soon. No more than 3 minutes later, Aria arrived to meet us in line and prepare herself for Maeno. There’s a friend I met back in 2016 that had her 5th Stage book with Suwabe’s signature from when he came. She was WAITING for the right moment to get another UtaPri seiyuu to get it signed. Sadly, they only let us have the Cells at Work posters signed. To me, it was okay because I didn’t care what he signed, as long as I had a memoir of meeting him. The line was moving fast as some didn’t have much to say to Maeno. As it was coming to my turn, I had girls tell me to calm down and breathe cuz I was almost in tears. Then it was my turn. I gathered all my courage from my fat little self and went up to Maeno. He gave me a little chuckle cuz I think he enjoyed my little Camus cos that I put together. I told him hello and he replied with the cutest voice ever. I REMEMBER IT SO WELL!!!! I gave him my poster and he went to sign it. He told me that the ink was still wet, to be careful if I touch it. I told him okay and thank you. He told me thank you and I gathered more courage to tell him that I loved him very much. BLESS ME MORE THAT DAY BECAUSE HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME TOO!!!!!! I know that’s something he would only tell a fan, but it made me so happy inside that when Aria came back, I cried on her shoulder, I wad that happy. I am feeling emotional now as I’m writing this. Aria stayed in line to talk to a few others that had awesome UtaPri merch, who I got to interact with as well. There was one girl who had the whole Prince Team itabag and parka. She literally traveled to Los Angeles that day just to meet Maeno. Kudos to her. I got to hug her Aqua (she let me) because before the signing, I could not calm down. We left the signing and stayed at the premier lounge the whole night. This is my autograph from Maeno.

Aria went to the Sword Art Online that night and I didn’t want to go because I was so exhausted. We made jokes that day that Maeno took all my positive energy to go about his day. Tbh, if that was true, I wouldn’t mind it at all because he needed that energy to feel all the love we fans have for him. So, according to Aria, Yoshitsugu Matsuoka was very nice and cute to. **This photo was apparently okay to take since they never specified the “No Photo/Video” rule according to Aria.

I don’t know the details on that panel so please ask her (@sweetaria98) for those details for that panel. After that panel, we went outside and bOI WAS IT A MISTAKE!!!!! It was 94 outside and I was DYING of the heat. Aria had a few things to do with a friend (which i never really understood why) but I was sweating from the heat and I personally thought it was the parking garage since I felt it cooler walking away from there BUT NO!! While waiting for the Lyft to come, I WAS DYING!!!! We got back to the AirBnB and Aria went for food a little after that and we ate dinner around midnight. I was sweaty.

Day 3: Loosen Up

So we weren’t really worried too much that day since all I had to do that day was shop for the remaining items from the orders. I did, however, also happen to buy an afternoon Butler Cafe with the $50 discount code that I never used since Anime Expo never sent me that information. Aria cosplayed Otoya from Legend Star that day.

I just love how she looked that day and I’m VERY proud on how the make up and wig turned out. I bought the wig 2 months ago while I was still living in LA and I styled it once I got here. Though I couldn’t do much to the wig since the power in our room didn’t work that night or day. ANYWAYS So after buying 3 orders from tumblr, it was time to head to the Cafe. The plan was for me and Aria to go since it was the only time we could since Day 4 we had the AoT panel with Yuki Kaji. Aria was sadly late to buy her ticket and blamed me for not telling her but I also blamed her for not getting it while she could ONLINE. So I went to that Cafe alone (remember this for later). I actually had a blast that day. I went in with a bunch of people who were young and old alike and it was their first time. For me, it was my second time going in the afternoon, but if y’all remember last year, it was a shit year the first time. So it was good that I went alone and in the afternoon. I was punished like 2 or 3 times because of I forget what game. The guys at my table REALLY made it enjoyable and I had fun with their company. My first punishment that I got was that I had to do a Dragonball scream to the crowd and the second punishment was that I had to give a candle to another butler and tell him “You are the light in my life.” and the actor in me tried to make it so believable that everyone could enjoy that little show. Best part of that afternoon was when the emcee was asking for those who would like to be taken onstage for a special performance. Now, I silently (but made sure some heard) said that it’s been 3 years since I’ve been to their show and was never invited onstage. THAT COMMENT ALONE BEAT OUT A BIRTHDAY GIRL AND I FELT TERRIBLE!!!!!! In fact, I still feel terrible. After their little performance I came off the stage and they finished their act with I forget which songs. At the end of the Cafe, I took pictures with the guys at my table which were Shinomiya and Ryoga. Now, Ryoga left me with a little bug since he kept saying he remembered me from somewhere. I said that it’s my 3rd year at the cafe and if that’s where he knew me. For some reason, I got the impression that we might’ve known each other from somewhere else. I let it slide since I didn’t want to ask more details. Here’s my picture.

Wee. MOVING ON!! So after the Cafe, we go shopping for a little more at the Exhibition Hall and I went to this booth by KLab that had ALL the UtaPri games for Vita and PSP. I only bought Amazing Aria/Sweet Serenade and Music 3 with a Camus towel and charm. That there was about $150 and I didn’t want to buy Repeat Love since I was running out of money and I needed to buy the last order. So, Exhibition Hall closes and we head to the premier lounge to literally rest because we’ve been walking almost everywhere. Before I forget, so before we headed to the premier lounge, Aria ALMOST lost her premier badge. It is a $125 replacement if she actually did lose it. She didn’t really go anywhere except for one booth with I7 stuff and the Cybird booth. She was lucky enough that someone had put it on the edge of the stage at the booth and it was confirmed that it was actually her badge. Back to the story. So Aria changed out of her cosplay into something a little more comfy for her while I put on a sweater since I was FREEZING in that lounge. We waited until 8:30 so she can accompany me to the 18+ one where I was going alone. Now, remember how I said to pay attention tho those “alone” in bold, here’s why. So our friend Sally is a volunteer at Anime Expo. She pretty much has access to ANY panel she wants as long as it fits her schedule. She had just finished that day and I asked if she could hold this HUGE bag of things from the orders I got. She said she would put it in HQ in West Hall, which was in front of the Premier Lounge. I thank her so much for that favor because it was a HUGE bag and I couldn’t bring it with me to the Cafe. Alright. As I’m in line for the cafe, I’m getting nervous because it was the last night of the cafe and I thought I was alone. BOI WAS I WRONG!!!! Now, I’m not gonna say what happened that night because of how crazy it got (ask me for details later) but right before the performances, I see Sally out of the corner of my eye. My thoughts went from “YAS BEST NIGHT EVER” to “WTF HOW DID SHE GET IN?!?!?!?!” in 3 seconds. I ignored that little bit because I thought “Alright, it’s just sally, how bad can it get.” HOHOHOHOHOHOHO WAS I WRONG!!!!! At the end of the Cafe when I’m going for my 2018 worthy Cafe picture, ARIANNA WAS AT THE DAMN TABLE TOO AND I LOST MY TEMPER!!!!! I WAS LIVID BECAUSE I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER THAT I NEEDED THAT NIGHT ALONE TO SEE IF I COULD FIND CLOSURE TO MY CURSE THAT’S BEEN AT ME FOR 368 DAYS AND IT WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE AND SHE DECIDED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SALLY’S PASS AND LET HER LITTLE ASS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Y’know, I’m still livid with it. I calmed myself down, took my picture, and left.

Yes, I was that shook at the moment of my picture. Not from Ari, but the performance in general. Anyways, as we’re getting out, I tell Sally to give me my stuff back please so we could leave. We left the convention center and I did not want to speak to Ari for not respecting my space when I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER to please leave me alone that night. We just said small talk and she got the Uber for us to go home that night. It was midnight.

Day 4: Last Day and Kaji

This day, I wanted to arrive at the hour that the Exhibition Hall opened because I needed to pick up my wristband for the AoT panel and also to buy that last order of merch that I needed to get. We headed straight to the premier lounge and then headed straight for the exhibition hall so I could buy that stuff. It was around 10 that we got there so I was in a hurry. This is when I realized something that worried me Voltage charged me almost 30% tax in every purchase. When I wanted to buy that last bit of things, I had less than $200 on my bank account. The total for something that was only supposed to be $150? They charged me $195. The person payed I think $160 (I don’t have my notebook at the moment to clarify) for the stuff and my service and HOHOHO BOI WAS I LIVID!!!! I realized that I didn’t have money now for my Lyft to the hotel for Aria and Sally and for my ride to the airport. What ended up happening is that I used what was my last $100 in cash to pay half of that payment and the rest on my card and didn’t buy anything else for the rest of the con. That also included food since it’s SUPER expensive at the convention center. I only bought some chips that morning with $2 in cash that I had from previous food purchases. Aria got them for me from a vending machine. So, we lined up for the AoT panel around 10. I was again playing Shining Live to catch up on the event to stay top 100. I hadn’t spent a single dime on the event during AX which was great. I only purchased $20 in prisms and that was at the beginning of the event. Aria went to this auction where they were selling things up to $2k probably. We don’t know cuz we didn’t stay there. We started going in around 11:30 I think since the panel started at 12. We go in and had a good seat at the front. As we were going in, they were giving out Levi and Eren pins to us. I got Levi, Aria got Eren. The panel was great, season 3 is gonna be quite a thriller for fans and I bet y’all that the OP is gonna be AMAZING if X-Japan is involved. Btw, the thing that’s pissing me off so much is that someone had the downright NERVE to take a picture of the panel when it was STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND THEY EVEN TOLD US THAT IT WAS TO BE THAT WAY!!!!!!!! Luckily they respected the BnHA but not with Yuki Kaji in that room. Anyways, Kaji was so cute and he seemed to really get along with Bryce and they both have a lot in common which is great. So after the panel, we realize that we have time to make it to the very last butler cafe show. Aria didn’t want to go since she thought it was too late and I also wanted to see if just in case that booth still had Repeat Love, which they didn’t. So at the Exhibition Hall, I wandered around a lot since I needed a new portable charger and saw that NO BODY had any to sell and the Cheero place wasn’t there this year. TTnTT So, I got bored and then decided to meet up with Aria at the Cybird booth to see what they were doing. At the booth, they were saying so many announcements and Hiroto was really nice to the fans, however time was running out. Most of you know the announcements so I’m not gonna say, but congrats to those girls who won the cut-outs of the boys from their Ikemen series. One more giveaway was done and that was to get a special picture of Hiroto as Isaac Newton (?) from Ikemen Vampire, which I’m VERY excited for because I have a thing for Vampire stories (thanks a lot DiaLovers). We played a huge group round of Rock Paper Scissors and a lot of us beat Hiroto. It was less than 50 which was great. Because time was running out, I didn’t get my photo with him this year. I mean, it’s okay since like, it was about 5 minutes from closing. After i got my prize signed by Hiroto, we left the exhibition hall and headed to the closing ceremony. We waited there for a little bit. I bought some chicken strips with my last little bit of cash and me and aria shared the tater tots. The closing ceremony was great, but I liked last years better. This one I felt too brief and just wasn’t enough. It was still fun though. After the closing ceremony, we left to the AriBnB and called it yet another year in the books.

SO THAT WAS MY ANIME EXPO 2018 STORY!!! I hope you all enjoyed it!! I tried to make it as interesting as possible with as much memory as I have from it because I felt it all go so fast. Honestly, this year was such a blessing that I don’t think any year will top this. VIDEOS BY ARIA WILL BE POSTED IN A FEW WEEKS/MONTHS!! :D I’ll be contacting the people who ordered from me soon... :’D

[j-wonwootrash]

S.Coups || Next Door Pt.3 Final

Word count: 1.7k Genre: College!au, fluff, drama, comedy, slice of life, romance A/N: Last part of the mini series! seemed kinda rushed but I hope you do enjoy reading! Feel free to dm or ask me for requests and drabbles~

Pt.1 || Pt.2 || Pt.3 final

“I’ll think about it.”

You didn’t understand. “Love you say? You did that to me!” you yelled back, your voice started to sore. 

    “Just, let me explain okay? I have no idea why you assumed so much when all I wanted to do was to tell you the truth.” he loosened his grip on the blanket. 

You hissed, “What is there to explain? That action was already enough.” you looked away. By now he stared you again. 

    “Chan took a video of me sleep talking,“ he began, ignoring your words. “He was going to show you but I didn’t want him to.” 

You shrugged as you laid comfortably on the sofa and placed your forearm on your face. 

    “It was a lazy-unintentional-confession to you and he was gonna show you-” he heard you snoring quietly. 

    “So much for listening.” he placed a warm damped towel onto your forehead and left. 

When the door clicked closed, you sat up and checked yourself at the mirror. You can’t tell whether you were red for being sick or blushing for the fact he liked you. You heard the whole thing and you didn’t want him to speak any further. ----------

In and out of sub-consciousness, you laid lazily on the couch. You reached for your phone to give a call to your dad, “Don’t bring the kids here, dad. I caught a fever and it’s contagious- you know, flu season.” 

Just a sip of water and a bite of bread were enough to keep you energised to head to work. You wrapped yourself with a thick scarf and a wore fleece mask. 

Winter was closely approaching and the forecast reported it would be a bit warm in the morning and afternoon, cold in the evening. Once you parked in front of the cafe, Nayoung spotted you from inside. “Y/N!” 

You walked up the stairs and the cafe was louder than usual. As you scanned the entire place, you figured Seungcheol and his squad were at the lounge area. There was a discount so you knew they’d stay longer. Nayoung was on day off but decided to stay with the group. “What happened to you?” 

    “Caught a fever. I still have to work though.” you removed your coat and hung it to a stand. 

    “I think you should rest today,” Dongho insisted. “We can handle it.” you nodded in thanks and sat down beside Nayoung. 

    “Should I bring you home?” Mingyu offered, handing you a glass of hot water. 

    “I just got here and you want me to leave?” you managed to smile. “Just kidding.” 

The others asked for the kids but you told them they’ll be at your parents’ place until you recover. They invited you to play a round of UNO. “I’ll pass.”  

At the very least the cafe was a lot warmer than at home. You forgot to pay the bills so the electricity was cut off- no heater. Your legs shivered by the touch of cold wind from outside. Seungcheol noticed your condition and removed his coat to place it on you. 

You mouthed a ‘thank you’ and he just smiled. “Yah, Y/N didn’t avoid you? That’s rare. She’d usually be all angry and cranky.” Jeonghan nudged the boy. 

    “She’s probably really sick and thought Hyung was Mingyu.” Wonwoo laughed as he put up his hand showing the others he only got a card left. 

    “Nah, we kind of made up last night.” Seungcheol shuffled the cards, he felt the boys’ stare at him. “..Or at least I think it was. Clearly one-sided.” he continued.

    “Oi why is this boy lying with a straight face?” Jihoon blurted out, making everyone laugh. “Someone hit him.” 

    “Everything Cheol does to Y/N were always one-sided.” Joshua laughed and hit the table continuously. 

    “Can I join?” you asked them as you crawled in between Seungcheol and Mingyu. 

    “Feel a bit better Y/N?” Nayoung asked, worried that you might overwork yourself. “I didn’t come all the way to sleep.” 

Few rounds of UNO and you started to feel dizzy and nauseous. You managed to win 2 rounds and little did you know your swaying head rested on Mingyu shoulders. “Hyung!” Mingyu hissed to the older one. “Bring her home.” he whispered. 

You felt someone wrapping your legs and back, but you were too sick to even picture them. Seungcheol carried you to your car and grabbed the keys in your pocket.  ----------

The smell of porridge woke you and you realized you were in Seungcheol’s apartment. “Ugh.. My head.. Why am I here anyway?” You stood up and your wobbly legs felt weak. 

As you leaned onto the counter, he saw you heading towards the kitchen. “Whoa hey there.” he gently wrapped his arms around your waist. 

You cleared your throat since you noticed where his hands were. “Your hands.” Immediately he put his arms at his back. “Then hold onto me. I’ll support you.”

Was he always this gentle? Or were you too blinded to see his kindness that his savagery outweighed this side of him? You sat down and he gave you a bowl of porridge. “Thanks.” When you ate, he suddenly smirked at your hungry state. 

    “I can tell you didn’t eat breakfast.” he wiped the smudged porridge on your lips.

    “We both know why.” you flattened your lips, it was too hard for him to figure out whether you smiled or not. “I appreciate this.” you murmured. 

    “No problem, but I guess it’s not enough for you to forgive me.” 

    “I’ll think about it.” Because you needed a reason for that incident, you thought the explanation last night was already enough- now that you knew he was always sincere. ----------

Months have passed and everyday you tried to drop hints to Seungcheol through acts of kindness. There were less mean words, less violence and to be honest you started to see the good in him. No wonder his friends called him 'leader'. There were times he insisted on babysitting your nephews. And they eventually grew closer than the last time he saw them. 

You remembered Seungcheol’s reaction to Jaemin’s first steps. He bragged that he was the one who taught him. “Uncle taught you right Jaemin?” 

He would offer to bring Jaewon to daycare or drive you to school or work. Even his friends were surprised to see him like this, when they assumed you forgave him, or at least there were progress in mending your friendship. 

There was one day your parents came to visit your apartment and your nephews would call out for Seungcheol to play. They would cry if you say he had work and would smile if they saw him arriving at your doorstep. Your parents would ask you who he was and for the first time you said he was your friend. The smile on his face never faded as he looked at you. 

Seungcheol knew the days that have passed were ones for you to trust him slowly. He would patiently wait for you to forgive him. Each and everyday you would show him sides of you that he had never seen. Everyday he would discover another you. And he was already content with it. His feelings never faded and he would wait for you to return his one-sided love. 

    “Seungcheol?” you walked with him at the park after your parents brought the kids to the airport to meet their father. He hummed in response to your call. “Was it true? The one you said in your sleep talk?” 

His lips agape and just smiled. ���If it weren’t true I wouldn’t have stopped Chan from showing it to you.” 

    “Ah.” was all you could say. Your chest tightened when he was around, or when he was talking to other girls you’d look away. Even the promise of making him dinner had you all nervous- the knock on his door was much more worse than to prepare him dinner. 

    “Why did you ask? I mean, I’m curious because we finally made up.” he sat on the swing and you soon copied him. “Have you fallen for me yet?” 

    “I'm not into guys who thinks the girl’s flirting on them,” you paused, making him bite his lips. “..I said that before, but now.. I don’t know what I feel for you.” your voice gradually become softer.

He didn’t utter a word, he just listened. As he stared at you, the anticipation grew and his heart couln’t stop beating. “..Like, I don’t know why I have to endure this feeling when at your part you rarely did anything.”

You stopped swinging and bent your head, your hands on your lap, balled to fists because you knew you couldn’t look at him any longer. “..You’re a pervert and teased me a lot and why did I react when you annoyed me but they were not true? Why did my chest hurt when you leave my apartment even if you only lived next door?”

    “Y/N I-” he stood up and knelt in front of you. Your sudden burst of emotions shocked him that he couldn’t continue.

    “We were barely even friends but why did it seem you’re special to me?” you raised your tone, tired from all the talk. You then started to swing again, just to cut the awkward atmopshere.

Seungcheol chuckled at your behaviour. He placed his hands on your lap and you flinched. “Does that mean you thought about it?” You sighed, not sure of what to answer. He just smiled like he had seen a beautiful painting. Your eyes widened.

    “What are you try-” “You like me.” he poked your nose. “You realized.”

    “Shut up, I didn’t confess.” you looked away, but he tucked a strand behind your ear.

    “Say it.” he smiled wider than before.

    “I-..” you stuttered. “I’ve already admitted e-enough, so fr-from now on you better be at my s-side.” you stood and started to walk.

“Wasn’t the answer I was expecting but okay.” he pulled you from behind, you felt his muscular chest at your back, making you blush.

    “Get off me.” you protested as you tried to walk.

He placed his chin on your shoulders. By now your face heated with blood of overwhelming feelings. His breathing made you think he was nervous, like you. “If I’m with you any longer, it’ll be hard for me to pull away.”

Silence filled the air again and crickets were the only ones heard. Seungcheol released from the hug, turning you to face him. “Oh you’re blushing.” 

It meant something to him, you were his. And you can’t say you hate it.

    “You idiot, it’s your fault.”

[loveurn]

the aftermath.

for once, namgyu has no idea what to say. in fact, he’s so confused on what to say that it makes things a bit awkward for him. for them. he can feel it in the atmosphere, and screw all that ‘things aren’t awkward unless you make it’ bullshit. he wasn’t making things awkward, he just had nothing to say and it was awkward because it was different. it was unusual. he always had a quip and usually if he was quiet he was focused or pissed.

he’s neither of those things.

he’s done his prep and the next concert isn’t for another three days and they’re flying tomorrow morning. he has nothing to do and his hands probably feel a little awkward fiddling with the sheets but throw him a bone it’s too quiet.

after the excitement from the night they’d transported seojun to the hospital ( after the little shit insisted on being apart of the encore stage ). sunghoon took them while assistant managers made sure the boys reached their rooms safely. it’d been quite chaotic, everyone asking if he was okay, making sure reporters or fans didn’t notice it. the article will release regardless, just as fancams of seojun being tired before the incident or those of him cradling his arm during the encore stage.

but such is the life.

namgyu hadn’t intended on staying up but he knew the boys were up and he knew it was a bit impossible to do anything else. they’d bombarded seojun first, naturally. namgyu was getting out with the stylists to give them their privacy. so he’d heard from sunghoon instead ( as if he hadn’t received a text from seojun the minute they were heading back ). heard about how seojun had pushed himself too hard, been practicing too late and weakened himself to the point where a front flip turned into a crash on his shoulder, the pain obviously sending him into shock and nearly causing the fainting spell that namgyu remembers too vividly. 

he’d need to be off the shoulder for about a week and strenuous activity could cause it to inflame. with a concert in three days, that put him benched on the order of singing only and no choreography. if anyone knew seojun they knew it would be the hardest task but they all had to hold him accountable. 

‘are you mad?’ “why would i be mad?”

he knows seojun received an earful from the other supremen members, from sunghoon and yichen alike. there’s no point in him saying anything. not how worried he was, not how he’s always told seojun to be careful. none of that.

but that wasn’t his place.

so he’s quiet, sitting up against the pillow. seojun doesn’t quite meet his eyes yet, still fiddling in the chair. he looks younger like this, the fatigue showing in the way his eyes droop, the pain in how tightly the sling holds his shoulder to his body.

he’d told the younger that he needed to rest, but he’d insisted on stopping by the room, dangerous as it was. their leader was going to kill him for not listening but when has he ever.

whatever namgyu’s just glad he’s alright.

“you have an early flight, you need rest.” ‘i wasn’t trying to scare you - or - i’m sorry if i did.’

namgyu hasn’t known seojun as long as the other staff members. not enough to see him as the kid whose grown from trainee days, towered over his elder members and stopped getting shy when they walk in to change him. he’s only see seojun, who’s too playful when he’s adjusting his collar. seojun who dances so hard sometimes it pops buttons off his shirt. seojun whose smiles are big, boyish and unfair. much like the gaze he gives when he finally looks up, eyes big and worried.

worried about what.

“why are you apologizing?” ‘you looked scared-’ did he? he doesn’t remember. ‘i didn’t like that.’ “well i don’t like you pushing your body past it’s limit and passing out.”

‘you are mad.’

mad can’t be the word. namgyu doesn’t really get mad he’s either pissed off, fed up, or moving on. he doesn’t have time to sit in being mad because it’s too consuming and he’s got too much to do. he’ll be there in the moment and then go on about his day.

“of course i’m mad!” so when the words snap out he’s surprised at himself. they don’t exactly rise in volume but they both know better. seojun’s heard every octave that namgyu can make, and he knows what this one is. he sinks in the chair and namgyu feels himself tug at the pillows. “i told you to be careful with yourself.”

he had. for so many nights, so many practices he’s told him. with namgyu rubbing soothing balm into the younger’s neck and pretending he was fixing a collar. with namgyu fixing up an ankle wrap and saying it was to fix the cuff. with namgyu trying to smooth over the parts of himself that the boy threw to the wind. not because of his fans, but because of insecurities, because he thought he had to give it all. and then returned in times like this, bruised and beaten.

“i told you.” if namgyu’s voice cracks he doesn’t pay it any mind. if seojun’s suddenly up and reaching for his cheek with his good arm - it only serves to fuel his anger. “i felt your body give out.”

‘so did I.’ it’s supposed to be cheeky, helpful. it’s so seojun that namgyu’s anger flares even more. even as he sees that smile and knows there’s one creeping on his face. 

“i’m not kidding.” ‘neither am i, i’m sorry!’ “sorry doesn’t help.”

sorry doesn’t fix his arm. sorry doesn’t allow him to dance for a week. sorry doesn’t help the tears on his face and it definitely won’t block the image from his mind. of seojun flat out against the floor, struggling for consciousness, breath. 

‘what will?’ “try listening.” ‘next.’

“seojun.” if the tears have dried he’s not sure, if he’s wiped them off or if seojun has he’s not sure. but the male’s hands have lowered to namgyu’s lap and laced in his hand. he pays it no mind because when he looks all he sees is the cast, how soejun’s other arm twitches, wants to move but knows better.

‘i’ll - i’ll try.’ he will, namgyu knows that. all seojun does is try and is infuriatingly endearing. it’s what they all love about him, staff, trainers, members, fans. it’s what drew namgyu to him. a thumb runs over his knuckles and namgyu’s struck with the idea that he should be doing the comforting. he should be the one telling seojun how he knows it’ll be hard. how scary it might’ve been. how he knows all seojun wants to do is dance and it’s been stripped away. temporarily but still. he heaves, nostrils flaring at the exhale and seojun’s own gaze meeting his instantly.

“that’s all i ask.” ‘am i forgiven?’

namgyu knows that look. knows the way seojun’s hands are sliding up, closer to where his knees peek out from the pillow. he knows that smile because it holds the same devilish charm that has fans screaming in arenas. except namgyu’s only response is a raised brow and a lift of the pillow next to him.

“wanna get hit?” ‘wanna kiss you.’ “not until you heal.”

‘that’s unfair.’ “it’s unfair that i had to carry your limp body to the waiting room.” ‘for the record i heard that it was sunghoon hyung who carried me.’

namgyu lifts the pillow one more time but he’s cut short by lips pressing against his. and again and again until he’s backed effectively into the headboard.

“your arm.” ‘don’t need to use it.’ “as if you won’t try to.”

it’s an excuse, a necessary one because namgyu’s face is flushed a deep red and it’s suddenly too hot in here. he preferred when it was cold and awkward. 

not really but it’s easier to handle than seojun’s smile inches from his lips and the way his eyes shift from namgyu’s lips to the obvious blush on his face. too obvious.

‘you want me to stop?’ “i want you to go to sleep.” ‘i’ll sleep here then.’ “you will not, are you crazy?”

but seojun only takes his remaining energy to bury his head in namgyu’s chest, nuzzling at the sweater he’s been trying to shrink into. suddenly he’s all warmth and fire again but namgyu can’t find the strength to move him. not when seojun’s head seems so content being there, not when his hand sneaks to play with the bottom of the sweater.

‘wanna stay here for a bit.’ there’s hints of that kid, the kid that the stylists talk about. the one who was starry-eyed to everything and ready to tackle it. scared but headstrong. there’s bits of that in his voice, bits of the recklessness in how close seojun settles against namgyu. he relents.

“okay, but you have to leave soon.” a nod and namgyu’s hands threading in his hair, massaging, trying to work the stress he knows seojun is feeling out. it’s all he can do for now, but it’s something. 

if seojun barely makes it to his room before the check up sunghoon does at 5AM, neither of them talk about. though seojun does steal as many kisses as he can before he’s rushed out the hotel room. it’s little but namgyu catches that same boyish joy that he fell for. so he uses that as an excuse and is very meticulous when he puts on makeup before meeting the others.

t’s worth it for the goofy grin he gets when they all headcount for the schedule and head to the airport.

[love-the-bug-blog]

An Expats Exit Strategy

China 1 - Tourism 0

The following words are an opinion only. It’s meant to enlighten, educate and please anybody who decides to read it. Enjoy…with Empathy.

June 2016

We decided to move from Hanoi, Vietnam to Beijing, China.

First mistake….

August 2016

We left Hanoi to fly to Beijing.

Second mistake….

The best place to begin is at the beginning.

Boarding the plane with a promise of riches, glutenous food and a life of leisure punctuated only by bursts of culture and short periods of teaching English in a popular language centre seemed like an idea sent from the heavens. The phrase “If it seems to good to be true then it probably is” springs to mind.

And, in a nutshell, it was.

We should have known from the second we got on the plane that things were not as they seem. The surprisingly long flight from Hanoi to Beijing started in a regular fashion. Joyous excitement and mild IBS mixed with a dodgy airplane meal and trying to figure out what the lady at the check in counter was gesticulating at when she spoke to us in Chinese for several minutes despite our protests. Being Irish, and naturally positive we nodded with vacant smiles on our faces and decided she was probably just explaining the usual tripe that gets explained at check in desks. Don’t bring liquids through security, your bags are marginally overweight, the country you’re traveling to will suck the soul out of your body etc etc.

Despite us booking our flights directly to Beijing we were forced to land in Guangzhao where we were forced to exit the plane (with all our baggage) and go through customs. At this point it might serve us well to mention that we had a very short layover, somewhere in the region of two hours. Which, in any other country in the world would be plenty to get through customs and make it to the boarding gate with some time for a bathroom visit for the IBS to rear its ugly head. No pun intended.

Customs was/is/will always be a joke. There must have been 300 people lined up like cattle at a mart waiting to get to the customs booths. Only a few of the booths were open and housing some of the meanest looking agents you could possibly hope to come across. Long story short…we missed our flight.

We approached the desk and pleaded our case. We met a young gentleman, lets call him “Bruce”. “Bruce” was of usual Chinese build. 5’ 4” and about 55kg with absolutely no muscle tone on him at all and in dire need of a ham sandwich.

We explained to him that we had missed our flight because of a delay in customs and we wanted to find out the quickest possible way to rebook our flights.

“Bruce” stared back with a blank stare…

This was to become a stare we were forced to grow quite accustomed to over the preceding 12 months .

“Bruce” and his bowl haircut tapped furiously on his keyboard and shouted loudly at his colleagues sitting beside him for what felt like an eternity. He guided us to a steel bench and asked us to wait. Or at least we think he did.

Sitting on the bench thoughts drifted to the collection agent who was supposed to pick us up in Beijing international airport at 10.00pm that night. We took out our phones and found that they didn't work in china. No shock here. One was an Irish phone and the second a Vietnams phone so why would they work?

But Wifi….wifi works everywhere. And especially in an airport. An airport..where people wait for hours for their flight, where access to the internet is quite important and sometimes, a vital necessity.

No joy. No wifi in the airport. No hope of getting a message to the agent who was supposed to pick us up.

IBS decides to say hello again…FML.

“Bruce” has seemingly forgotten about us. He seems to be smiling a lot considering he’s very close to being pulled across the counter.

We sit patiently until I approach him, under strict instructions from my partner NOT to assault him. Which i thought was a bit much.

He saw me coming and quickly resumed furiously tapping on his computer. The cheeky bowl topped fucker!

I stood menacingly over him and asked through gritted teeth what our plan was.

He didn’t blink, he printed off two tickets and handed them to me.

The dick!

We probably would have sat there for another few hours before he would have thought to approach us and hand us the tickets.

He got off with a light verbal warning and we headed to our gate of choice. Hereby known as Hells Gate.

We landed in Beijing nearly three hours late. We frantically debarked the plane and frantically searched for our luggage and then we frantically made our way through the arrivals gate hoping against all hope that somehow the collection agent had pieced together that we experienced difficulty on our journey.

Nope. Not in China.

We were on our own. In a strange country. No phones. No wifi. No internet points.

But hey, this is china. The most populated country in the world. Where 1.6 billion people live and work and travel. An information point will surely be able to help us sort out the predicament we have found ourselves in.

Nope. Not in China.

Not a word of English. This waste become a regular thing throughout the year.

But we’ll get to that.

So there we are, stuck in the Airport, exhausted and genuinely confused. We had no way to contacting anyone. No one knew where we were. What had happened to us? Did they care? Apparently not.

We wandered around for what seemed like hours, up and down escalators, looking for some sign of familiarity that might be our saving grace.

Nope. Not in China.

Eventually we found a nice lady who agreed the let us hotspot onto her wifi and send an email. We did.

And got a response saying the collection agent had left and headed back to the city.

After a long and arduous day traveling we had eventually sorted out our issues and things were starting to look up.

Nope. Not in China.

Our collection agent spoke broken English and was about as pleasant as a sexual education class from your granny. He greeted us coldly and grabbed Emily's bag and walked off through the sliding doors and off towards his parked car where we had the pleasure of meeting a loud, brash American girl who despite being only 22 had 6 years teaching experience under her belt.

After maybe an hour of driving we pulled up outside a dive of a hotel and he gruffly told us to get our as he grabbed Emily's rucksack from the boot and walked crankily towards the reception area.

At last. A hotel with a reception. Someone will speak English here.

Nope. Not in China.

After much moving of hands and sweating of brows and slight grumbles suggesting the IBS was not yet finished we produced our passports and were pointed to an elevator where we made our way to a room with two single beds and a prostitutes business card slid under the door. Classy shit.

A quick shower and a good nights sleep and a full day tomorrow with nothing to do but explore this city looked promising. As our heads hit the pillow we gratefully accepted the sleep that quickly descended upon us as the promises that were made to us overshadowed the disaster of the last 24 hours.

Surely things would get better.

Nope. Not in China.

Now we have the start of this little rambling out of the way we can get down to the nitty gritty of recanting some funny stories and situations have found ourselves in over the past year. They are all as true as can be…unfortunately for us.

THE ‘MY FIRST DAY’ INCIDENT

We joined First Leap. It’s a huge language centre based in China. We requested Beijing because we thought the language barrier and western society might be more prevalent here than in some of the other cities.

We were wrong. Fuck!

We trained for two weeks at the company HQ where we were brought to our nerves end by a group of “trainers” who were barely in their twenties telling us both to smile more. This didn't go down well. The more they told us to smile the more we scowled.

Now, let me be clear, this was my first teaching job so I did find the training helpful but they went about it all the wrong way. Making us teach certain scenarios in front of the rest of the trainees who pretended to be children wasn't as industrious as they probably planned. Either way, we did it. Two long hard weeks and we were ready to step into the fray and impart our wisdom. Needless to say…the training did fuck all to prepare me for what was to meet me.

Now, Emily has plenty of experience. Many years of standing in front of young minds and trying every possible method to try and get them to remember what a Cat is. She was and Is a natural.

Me…No one would describe me as a patient man. Nor would they ever suggest in good conscience that I would make a good teacher. Either way, this was the life I have chosen for the next year.

First day, First class.

I had a Scottish teacher, Darren, rampant closet case who had the uncanny ability to turn his thick Glaswegian accent into a south Californian twang at the drop of a hat and his job was observing me to make sure I didn’t scare the children or make them cry.

So I step into the classroom and see all the children running around and I decided to express my authority as the new teacher in a proactive way the best way I knew.

So gather up all my courage and let a mild roar out of my mouth “Hello everyone, It’s time for class now SIT DOWN”.

I didn't see the kick coming, it was all a blur, all I can tell you is that it was possibly the sweetest hit you could possibly imagine.

BOOM. Some little Chinese fucker spin kicks me right in the family jewels.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Down I go…like a Thai hooker.

I don’t remember who started laughing first but I can assure you it wasn’t me.

I retreated to the safety of the hall to nurse my wounds and think to myself where I went wrong in life.

THE SHOPPING INCIDENT

China has their equivalent of Tesco. They call them Lotus or Lotte Marts.

They are huge sprawling building where you can find all the basics one needs when residing in China. Bread, Vegetables and Washing detergent. All the basics.

Now, we were fortunate to live quite close to a aforementioned facility. Warmly known as “Ram Alley Shop”.

It received this strange yet highly significant name due to the large Ram who is tied to a car outside the alley leading to the shop. This Ram is morbidly depressed and fears for its life on a regular basis. It is tied to the old rusted structure of the car with a 6 foot length of frayed rope. We presume the ram, if blessed with nimble fingers, would tie a knot in the rope and hang himself. Either way, hence the name “Ram Alley”.

The story continues…Emily is in work, I’m home early from a field trip to the Coca Cola Factory with several dozen unruly Chinese children. I’ve decided to surprise Emily with a steak and potato dinner so I hit “Ram Alley” to get the supplies. Obligatory sympathy for the Ram ensues and I hit the market.

I’m wandering around picking up the essentials when I turn into the dairy section and I’m confronted by…and I have no nice way of saying this…A child taking a shit on the floor.

I freeze, mainly because I have never seen a child take a shit..in a bathroom let alone in a shopping centre.

My eyes dart around looking for the bewildered mother who is looking for her missing child hoping that when I point in the direction of the child she will do her motherly duty and take care of the…situation.

Nope. Not in China.

Mother approached, mother grabbed child. Mother exited the area with the child leaving an abnormally large pile of child shit on the tiled floor.

I quickly maneuvered the trolly past it and headed for the checkout still in a state of mild shock.  

Note: They recently built a large wall around where the ram was “housed”. We presume he’s still there. But hope that he’s not.

THE NOODLE LADY “RAIN” INCIDENT.

Noodle lady. Our mother away from home. Not a fucking word of english. Bad teeth. Worse Hygiene. And without doubt the best noodles and dumplings we’ve had in our lives.

She operates a very small and very dirty shop on the way from the Subway stop to our apartment complex and is a vital source of nutrients on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. We work late on these days and most places close in China around ten o’clock. So it provides limited options for cuisine.

Enter noddle lady. She smiles and makes our order most work nights as her small child plays paper, rock, scissors with Emily. He’s learning English in school and spouts random words at us.

“Chicken”…Yes, very good.

“Blue”…Excellent.

But thats about it.

About a month into “dining” there I felt comfortable enough to pick him up playfully throw him in the air. He was about 20kg so it wasn't exactly strenuous.

I grab him under the arms and lightly toss him into the air catching him as he descended. He didn't smile…in fact, he looked in a touch of discomfort. As devilment quickly turned to worry I lowered him to the ground wondering internally if I had hurt the young lad. He grasped at his chest and as he pulled his T-shirt away from his light frame I spot the eight inch scar on his breastbone. A sign of major heart surgery. Oops.

Needless to say I haven't touched the little fucker since as running the risk for manslaughter and spending twenty years in prison for killing a six year old boy with a mistimed game of “airplane”.

FML

Noodle lady has thrown us a few surprises in our time here too mind you. There was the old “cockroach” in our dumpling box. That one is always a classic.

Or quite recently, when we returned home from work with Jack, our large predominantly loud Scottish friend. Noodle lady beckoned.

We ordered and stepped to the door. People can smoke wherever they want in China. It’s shit. So we stepped just outside the door to get some fresh air and stay cool.

Just as we stepped outside Jack asked us did we “feel rain?” in his thick Scottish drawl.

We did.

It was definitely starting to drizzle. We didn't panic too much. It was a warm night and it was only a drizzle. It took us about ten seconds of looking up into the night sky to realize something was wrong.

It wasn’t rain!

We jumped out of the way when it dawned on us.

Right above the noodle shop is an apartment and in this apartment lived a little boy and sometimes the little boy likes to piss off the balcony onto unsuspecting foreigners trying to get fed after a day of teaching.

This is frowned upon in most countries.

Nope. Not in China.

Getting pissed on whilst waiting for dinner is a must do that the guide books sometimes neglect to mention.

Either way, Noodle lady is the bomb. She smile regularly and looks constantly exhausted. She is open at 7.45am every weekend when we are going to work and on numerous occasions when we have drunkenly returned from Sanlitun (Bar area) or from a late night Visa run from HongKong we have found her and her husband standing outside at midnight waiting for a stray customer to get his food or perhaps a late beer.

Our order usually consists of two portions of dumplings and two portions of fried noodles with veg. It costs us 26RMB which converts into about 3.39 Euros.

A bargain.

We leave next month and we have saved all the small coins and small notes that are not worth converting into our currency and we intend to give them to the young lad.

Not the one who pissed on us. The one I nearly killed.

Might get him something nice.

[pikanique]

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I GOT NO WHEELS

So, on Tuesday, I was in a car accident.

I was headed to work, (already a half an hour late which sucked! I’ve never been good at waking up to my alarms. But this is just a side note.) And on the highway I take to work, there was construction happening. The construction caused the Eastbound vehicles (myself included) to come to a complete halt. I was stopped behind a row of seven or eight other vehicles, patiently waiting until I could resume to normal speed. 

I looked down at my lap or my steering wheel, (it’s such a blur) for just a moment, and WHAM, I was nailed from behind. It felt not only like a vehicle had hit my car, but also like someone double my weight was sitting in my back seat, and with force, used both feet to kick the back of my chair. I let out a scream. Please note, it was a scream of frustration, and not one of terror.

The impact was so intense that it caused my vehicle to slide forward into the truck ahead of me despite my foot remaining on the brake, and despite the forgiving allowance of space I left (and always leave) between me and the car ahead of me. 

For some reason, my first instinct once my car had stopped moving was to immediately shut it off. I’m not sure at all what told my brain to do that, but I did.

Upon impact, my phone went flying from my cupholder and landed on the floor of my car among my feet. I took a breath to collect myself, and then reached down to grab my phone, as I knew I was going to have to use it very soon. To my surprise, I heard a knock on my door, and then I heard my door open. I looked up to my left and was confronted with the face of the woman in the car from behind me.

“Excuse me.” She said, “I just hit your car.”

Bewildered, I replied, “I know.” 

I don’t remember exactly which way that short conversation headed afterwards, but it ended with my being able to shut my door again for a few more moments of privacy while I sorted through a few of my thoughts. The most prominent thought being of sadness for my car. I love(d) that car SO much. But we’ll get into that.

By the time I emerged from my vehicle, the women from the car behind me and the couple from the truck in front were all outside of their vehicles and in front of mine. I walked forward and took a peek at the front of my car. Despite it looking exactly how I’d just imagined it would, I was distraught. I swore very loudly a few times and rambled loosely about all of the frustrations I was feeling in that moment. 

At one moment the woman who hit me said something about wondering what we should do, to which I quickly and firmly stated that we would be exchanging information and I would be calling the police. At another moment, the people in the truck from in front of me said something about having to pick up their friend from the airport. 

After a small while of standing at the front of my car, processing all of this new information, I realized I had some phone calls to make. I stepped away from the highway and from all of the sounds of traffic so I could hear and be heard better on the phone.

The first call I made was to my boss. I got his voice mail. In the beginning of leaving my message, I sounded calm and informative, and then somewhere in the middle I lost my mind. I started hysterically trying to explain my situation before I abruptly hung up. I feel badly for my boss having to listen later to that message.

The second call I made was to my mother. I was still in hysterics at this time. I also got her voicemail at first. All she could hear on her end when she received the message was “blabber blabber sob accident sob blabber blabber sob I’m f***ed.” So she thought I was dying. (Sorry, mom!) 

She immediately called me back and tried to get a better understanding of what  had happened and what was happening to me. Her and my dad headed on their way to me almost instantly.

Finally, I called the police. (By this time, thankfully, my voice was much calmer.) The woman on the other end of the phone asked me a series of expected questions to understand what actions needed to take place. After what felt like a full assessment, the end of the phone call went a little something like this;

“Alright, ma’am.. I think that’s all I need from you.”

“Okay sou-”

“Wait... One more thing I nearly forgot.... What’s your name?”

I found that kind of comical. Perhaps that required, nearly forgotten information is just a little relevant.

Also, while I was on the phone with the cop, I watched the truck that I was smashed into drive away. That was odd and unexpected for me. I would never dream of leaving the scene of an accident, even if there was no damage done to my vehicle.

Then there was this empty space in time before my parents or the police arrived that seemed to last for an eternity. During this time, I learned a little about the woman who had hit me. I learned that she and her girl friend were headed on a road trip together. I learned that she was around sixty years old and had never before been in a car accident. Her and her friend were both very kind to me, and both very empathetic for me. 

The woman who hit me suggested that we move our cars out of the way of traffic as to not disrupt the flow or cause any more incidents. She reparked her car on a small gravel road just up a little ways. I decided not to entirely relocate my car, but because my wheels were nearly touching the dotted line that separated the traffic moving the opposite way, I got into my car, restarted it briefly, and just moved my tires over enough that someone coming wouldn’t be too near to my car. 

Then, the police showed up. I stood up from the place I was seated in the grass, and the woman who hit me encouraged and urged me to tell the cops first what had happened. The woman knew that she was at fault and felt it was better left to my responsibility to be the first to inform the police.

Two cop cars showed up, expecting for one to have to hunt down the couple in the truck that had driven off while I was on the phone with 911. But as it turned out, the couple had given the women their information before they took off, and the search was deemed unnecessary. 

My parents showed up shortly after the police, beyond ready to help me out in any way I needed. My dad started doing walks around my car, and my mom helped me interact with the police. After I had told the officer my full story, she gave me a form to fill out explaining all of the necessary facts about the accident. As I was filling it out, I realized the level of improbability of this accident actually happening. Admittedly, I sort of snickered to myself. It was not to spite the women who hit me, it was just comical to me at the time. Some of the boxes I checked off were; road conditions - dry. weather conditions - daytime, sunny, clear. highway conditions - straight, even, flat. 

Then the tow truck came to take away my beautiful baby. I took as much stuff as I could remember in the moment was in my car out in order to definitely keep it. Though, I keep recalling things now that I’ve left behind. The driver commented a few different times on the state of my interior. (I am a fairly messy person, and there may or may not have been several drive-thru bags among other useless nicknacks on the inside of my car. Don’t judge me.) When the driver went to load my car, he said that he tried to start it and that it wouldn’t. Now, as you may remember from earlier, I did mention that my car had been both shut off and turned back on since the accident happened. I think the driver failed to realize that my vehicle is a manual, not an automatic. But who knows... maybe my car just needed a few more minutes to completely give up. 

Then, my parents gave me a ride home. (My boss texted me just before the police arrived telling me that I could take the day off.)

It wasn't until I was on my way home that I started feeling any pain because of the accident. The entire time I was busy with the women and the police and my parents on the side of the highway, I could’ve sworn to you that I had suffered absolutely zero physical damage. The pain simply did not exist at that time. But, while sitting in the back seat of my dad’s Rav4, I started to stiffen up a little bit. I reported my newfound pain to my mom, and she called in and booked me a doctors appointment later on that afternoon.

In with the doctor, I learned that my neck and my back were sprained. He said it could possibly take a couple days for the pain to kick in.

It did. And... It did. I am so sore today. My mom says I’ve been moving all day like C3PO. I can’t turn my neck in any direction more than just a few centimetres without being in severe discomfort. Twisting my back also isn’t exactly the most pleasant experience. 

My insurance company can’t do anything for me until they’ve contacted the insurance company from the woman who hit me. They can’t get the information until the police have finished filing their report... Which apparently, could take up to a week. So I am extremely frustrated and left in limbo with very little information to go off of.

Also, apparently in the eyes of the law, I am partly at fault for hitting the truck in front of me. Because it could be argued that I was parked too closely behind him if I hit him when another vehicle collided with me. I find this law to be very unreasonable. I don’t feel like I deserve that kind of information being put onto my record, not do I feel I deserve to suffer any repercussions of any kind due to this being a law. I know for a fact that I was not parked closely because this is a good habit I have formed and never broken in my entire driving history. It is something I am adamant about. It’s also a pet peeve of mine. And the law is unrealistic. Regardless of how far behind someone you are parked, (unless its beyond ridiculous,) if you’re hit hard enough, there’s a good chance you're going to slide into the person in front of you. That’s just physics. And I was hit pretty hard. So this is probably the most frustrating account of this experience so far.

Now, let me take a moment to tell you about my car. Her name is Belle. Originally, her name was going to be Black Beauty, (both those words being accurate descriptors of her.) The car I had before her was named Black Betty, so I thought it was kind of funny that way, too. But I knew that I didn’t want to keep her black forever. I had a dream of one day painting her a very deep purple. I didn’t want her name to stop making sense one day, so I named her Belle after the princess. 

She is a Toyota Celica 05 6 speed with leather interior, and she is perfect in every way. I was so happy when I found this car (with the help of family and friends) in the first place. It was one of those meant to be, but improbable scenarios where right when I needed a new car, she shone through at a reasonable price and in excellent condition. I’ve never loved a car so much before. I would have kept her forever had I been able to. I would kill for another Celica now. Honestly, such an incredible car.

The reason why I got her was right before I had her, I had Black Betty. Black Betty was an Oldsmobile Alero that I hated more than anything. I literally hated it from the day I got it, (nay... the moment I laid eyes on it) until the day I FINALLY got to get rid of it. (One of the happiest days of my life.) That car screwed me over multiple, multiple times. It was in the shop constantly and was always somehow broken or breaking in a new and seemingly creative way. A gas tank ($40) would maybe last me two days if I was lucky. Sometimes, it would just get stuck in park and refuse to move into any other position. Sometimes, the key wouldn’t turn. One summer, it didn’t have air conditioning, and one winter, it didn’t have heat. Like honestly, the longest most ridiculous list of things that had always ALWAYS gone wrong. Plus, it’s not the most beautiful vehicle to look at. The only reason I ever had that car was because I was desperate for a vehicle and I needed some means of transportation as soon as possible. And I kept that thing for way longer than I ever thought I would. Like, I hated that car more than I have the time to sit here and explain to you.

Oh, have I mentioned what kind of car hit me on Tuesday? It was an Oldsmobile Alero. 

I’m being haunted.