#trauma literally rewires your brain

[itsyourstarboy]

Baby 2.0 is in a psych ward, just so y'all know.

Ivan really fucked them up.

[fenrichaita]

Can we talk about how psychiatry has a pattern of using treatments for mental illnesses and disorders that cause brain damage and then labeling the direct effects of that damage as "healing"

[simcardiac-arrested]

did you know trauma physically changes your brain. i thought that is interesting

yeah!!! it’s what i have in mind while writing ns’ whole Thing. sure, in the actual story there are literal brain changing activities going on, but it’s also supposed to like. represent what happens to someone when you push them over their limit over and over and over again

[squapejuice]

literal actual shower thoughts but Regulators are horrifying

Things we know: Trauma doesn't just go away due to lack of memories of it (consider all the abuse victims that don't remember what they went through but still live with the trauma), like, that shit literally rewires your brain in a way I don't think a little device would be able to undo Some traumas scar the soul on such a fundamental level that not even the aetherial sea can wipe them away. So imagine you're a kid growing up in Solution 9 with an abusive parent. That parent dies. Your memories of the parent are wiped. Now you have a shitload of PTSD and no possible way of remembering what happened or why you're suddenly hypervigilant.

It's almost like societally enforced gaslighting. How the hell are you going to work through that? You're not allowed those moments where you're like "holy fuck that explains a lot" because all your memories have been removed so you're just stuck with the constant pain and no functional way to untangle why. Especially because Solution 9 seems more like the kind of society where "Happiness is mandatory" but instead of therapists it's being locked away until you start acting better.

A good sign of a well written cyberpunk dystopia is that the horror hits you in a "wait" sort of way.

[ineffable-sideburns]

Anyone else ever think about how Good Omens and/or Discworld literally rewired your brain and altered its chemistry or is that just me?

Because four years ago before starting Discworld I was fucking miserable and I felt hopeless. I had cut off my last high school friend because they’d wronged me deeply and we’d outgrown each other, and I’d just finished college so I stopped seeing my college/adult friends except for a couple times a year, and after being surrounded by people for so long I was alone and still am. I had given up reading long before that because no author really “spoke” to me, and then I found Terry recommended EVERYWHERE on the fantasy subreddit so I gave him a shot and his aphorisms and witty humor and outlook on the world and people helped me almost as much as my actual therapist. Instead of lingering on hatred and betrayals and my own BPD and PTSD-related thoughts, I began to see the world in shades of grey and work through my own trauma. Before this I only saw “good” and “evil” people and one wrong move pushed you from the good column into the evil column in my eyes. I still struggle with it in moments of direct pain, but before him it was my whole world-view. I was literally so full of anger almost every minute of my life that my chest hurt until discovering Discworld.

Truly crazy how a piece of fiction can help you so much. Especially from an angry man who somehow maintained a sense of optimism.

[revehae]

two days ago, this blog turned two years old. well, that’s if you ignore the fact that i accidentally deleted my blogs this january. in spite of that, so many of you are still here with me and have been supportive even when i was quite literally losing my marbles. you guys have been patient through my periods of inactivity and reread my fics with the same amount of appreciation for them as you had the first read - if not more. and for that, i say thank you.

but i’m also saying goodbye.

just kidding! i was being serious for too long and so i felt the need to potentially strike some fear into someone’s heart for fun. anywho, no, i’m not actually leaving. not yet, anyway. there is so much more i want to do with this blog and so many ideas i want to share that will most likely carry on to the following year. so yeah, you guys are still stuck with me.

am i taking the two-year anniversary of a mostly k-pop tumblr blog teeming with dark, degenerate fantasies that ought to get me stoned by stubby, hairy ogres way too seriously? perhaps. but i’ll never forget what this blog means to me. i’m in a place now where my trauma is no longer something i feel suffocated by or bound to, but when i created this blog, i admit that there were still large parts of me that felt like i was “broken.” this was only possible because i found safe places where i could acknowledge it without fear of being judged, blamed, or attacked.

i realize not everyone has those places. one of the greatest delights i have is being able to own a blog where people with similar experiences as me are able to confront their pain in a way that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and most importantly, in control.

i went through periods of time where i wouldn’t even leave my room because i was so terrified of being subjected to the same nightmare again. i couldn’t go out in public, because when i did, i was constantly worried that someone was out to give me. this affected my relationships with my friends, family, myself, sex, the world - everything. it is a hell i wouldn’t even wish on Trumpington McDonaldton. or would i? just kidding. not really, considering his track record. but, back to the point, i know what it’s like to live in the dark. i know how unfair it is that someone can swoop in, ruin your life, and never, ever face consequences. meanwhile, you are staring at the consequences of what someone else did every single day. i know what it’s like to blame yourself. i know what it’s like to wish that things were different.

but i also know that as unfair as it is, as painful as it is, and as hard as it may be to accept, no one is going to single-handedly fix you. you have to be your own healer. you have to put the work in to build yourself back up and bounce back stronger than ever. i know firsthand how intimidating that can be, however, in my experience, the first step was not hiding from what i’d gone through. in a way that i originally never thought would be possible, writing and reading noncon fics was one of the most helpful ways of doing that. everything about this blog has been extremely cathartic for me. and the best part about it is that many of you have told me it’s cathartic for you as well, which fills me with a glee words cannot describe.

now, of course, my blog is not limited to Traumatized Individuals who had their brains rewired in the worst way possible via some negative experience - although i doubt you’re not still somehow traumatized if you religiously read my content. if you aren’t a victim of SA, you aren’t going to be crucified for reading noncon. it’s okay. don’t worry. but still, i will always support and stand up for those that are, even if they don’t cope in the same way as me. because not reading is also okay. there are so many different ways to cope with SA; i’m just happy to provide one of them to those that seek it out.

again, thank you all! thank you to those that have been here since the beginning. thank you to those that followed me this week. thank you to those who leave nice messages in my inbox, and reblog, and leave comments. thank you to my dearest sweet mutuals. thank you to those who followed me here from lisired and didn’t unfollow me when you realized i’m a little bit insane. thank you to those that read my fics over and over and never get bored! let’s heal together everyone. but let’s also be depraved and Scare The Hoes. and if you read all of this, i love you and i hope you get everything you ever wanted in life.

- with all of the love in the world, revehae!

[astrangetorpedo]

Lucy heard julien say "love is fleeting and that's okay" and heard herself say "i wish i told you so many times before" and decided you know what this year we're gonna change that. her mission was locked and loaded.

she was on a mission ! also, if you will allow me to ramble a bit, i see their love song dispute as an extension of a conversation lucy began w “afraid of heights” :

you called me a crybaby / but you're the one who got teary / telling me what you believe / how we're stuck in entropy / how it hurts to hope / oh, it hurts to hope for more / oh, it hurts to hope the future / will be better than before

julien seems to gravitate naturally towards pessimism (which is understandable ! trauma rewires your brain to anticipate the worst), and a major theme in jblu’s relationship has been lucy asking* jb to give life a chance. to believe in the possibility of future happiness and to please stick around long enough to make it happen.

which is why it’s been beautiful to watch julien’s evolution from hiding for six hours when she realized that lucy wrote an earnest love song about them to changing the lyrics in “anti-curse” from “worst love song i’ve ever heard” to “best love song i’ve ever heard” and taking the lead on “we’re in love” and guest-hosting npr’s tiny desk top shelf where she recced a love song with the most achingly sweet lyrics and confessed that she sang it to lucy and and and.

our girl lucy went on a multi-year mission to teach jb how to believe in love and happiness and she literally succeeded

[saikolikes]

Aki’s P5R  fanfic recs! (part 2)

Hi and welcome to another one of my recs posts! As you can see, this is part two: part one of this post can be found HERE and includes fics I bookmarked between April 2019 and December 2020. This second post will deal with everything I bookmarked during 2021 and 2022 (... so yes, part 3 is bound to happen some times in the future)

Here a brief disclaimer:

Everything in here is spoiler for either P5 vanilla, Royal, or Strikers;

I won’t report the tags, as it would take too long, so if you’re interested in a fic, please open the link;

Fic recs obviously reflect my tastes and preferences. For example, I love suffering and I don’t like fluff or domestic works, so browse this list knowing that;

The stark majority of the works here is shuakeshu

If you want more recs you can find them in my bookmarks, most of them are public!

MY ONGOING RECS Again, I don't read a lot of ongoing works (although, admittedly more than in the past) and these are the ones I'm subscribed to that I'm adoring!

The Lovers, Reversed by salexectria, Terra5 (E) | Royalty a/b/o AU | akeshu | series in three parts, ongoing "A Thief is caught stealing from the Northern King, and is sentenced to death for his crimes. The Alpha Prince intervenes, but at what cost to them both?" What I love about this AU is the amount of politics and worldbuilding put into it, as well as the uniqueness of double povs who constantly switch from Akira to Goro creating one back and forth that acts literally like poking into their minds. Plus the slow burn and the pining are just on point.

never die when I'm dead by threerings (E) | Royal & post-Royal | akeshu | series in 2 parts, ongoing Two one shots featuring one of my absolute flavors of this ship: sad, intense and unhinged

IDC FOR UPDATES I resolved to defeat my abandoned-wip trauma one excellent fic at a time so here's a list of works that haven't been updated in a while or the author straight up confirmed they won't keep writing them, but they are so good you just have to read them and let them remodel you. Do it. Do it now.

the year of the knife by theexistentiallyqueer (M) | No powers AU | shuakeshu | 2 chapters "The plan for Akira's junior year of high school was to keep his head down and his nose clean, but he hadn't counted on his new high school having more trouble than it was worth--and he specifically didn't plan on Akechi Goro, the haughty, machiavellian vice president of Shujin Academy's student council, dragging him face-first into political scandal and a series of encounters that would change his life." Please let teq bring you through a journey of spot-on characterization and stunning prose that will rewire your brain chemistry completely. Their take on machiavellian Akechi is really good, and the snark Akira spits in this fic is really something I cherish.

kiss & cry by MajorGodComplex (T) | Figure skating AU | shuakeshu | 2 chapters "Goro’s first thought when he hits the ground is some combination of the words ‘shit fuck hell fucking bullshit bitch fuck motherfucking hell.’ His next thought is wondering whether Akira Kurusu, senior debut, constant thorn in Goro’s side, and the only person anyone this season seems to talk about, is also trying to land a quad axel at the moment." I don't know what to tell you, the prose of this one is so witty and funny you just have to read what's published of it as of now!

honeybrains by succubused (T) | Time loop | shuakeshu | 4 chapters "a chronicle of the twenty-fourth time akira kurusu lived through the month of january 2017" What can I say, I am really a sucker for time loops and this fic took me by the heart. Tagged as character study and with rights because the characterization here is very interesting!

in the snow globe by aminami (E) | Time travel | shuake | 1 chapter "It’s your heart,” Joker says like it’s the most obvious thing. “Your desires, your hopes, your fears. I’ll carry them with me always. My little snow globe." This fic will hurt you so badly but it will be so worth it, I swear. It's just so melancholic and tender and angsty and it carved a place in my heart.

my love has never lived indoors by rhodophytae (E) | a/b/o | shuake | 1 chapter "Ren Amamiya knows he's an alpha, and he's comfortable with that, but he's pretty sure that being an alpha is, well...different for him than it is for other people. He resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that he'd probably go his whole life without finding anyone else like him. And then he meets Goro Akechi." This fic has such an interesting take on omegaverse! Paired with a stellar characterization and delicious pining, it's no surprise it's a fic I will never forget.

GENERAL RECS The fics I’ve enjoyed the most and that I go back to reading sometimes.

how joker and crow survived the coronavirus pandemic of 2020 by shntlvs (T) | Royal | shuakeshu | series of 2 works "Escaping from Maruki's false reality gets interrupted by the Coronavirus pandemic." Could you have ever imagined reading a fic centered around the pandemic? Me neither, but this one and its sequel work so well and have very compelling bits of characterization for the boys. Unexpected premise, but I utterly loved it.

straw house, straw dog by caelam (T) | 3rd sem | gen | one shot "In the saccharine utopia of Maruki’s reality, Goro Akechi’s mother is still alive." I admittedly don't read too many fics with mamakechi so I won't claim to be an expert, but this one really left me impressed with how clear and tangible the tangle of feelings is.

Knight of Pentacles, King of Spades by Naometry (M) | Medieval AU | shuakeshu | 11 chapters "“Hifumi passed on your greetings,” Akira Kurusu says, fury simmering beneath his conversational tone. “And I’m polite enough to give you my own in person. So greetings, General Goro Akechi. I am the man who will kill you.”" I started reading this fic for the war captive trope but this story has so much more to it than just that. Nao's superb skill with writing violence and viciousness will have you thrust into a cruel world where two boys seem to be bound to kill each other... unless?

Ripples by Riona (T) | gen | canon compliant | one shot "Ten people know exactly who the news is talking about, and now they’re going to have to deal with that." A peek into the heads of 10 of Joker's confidants upon learning about his death. The fic I would never imagined myself reading, but I did because it was recced to me, and now I'm recc'ing it to you, too.

When Your Eyes Meet Mine by seths_dream (E) | no powers AU | shuake | one shot "The way the bellboy lingered on him made his heart jolt, made him think that maybe, maybe the bellboy was looking at Goro the same way Goro was looking at him." I've lost count of how many times I read this fic because the horny is just so juicy, it's unironically one of the fics I come back to when I need to remind myself how to write horny stuff. (the same author also wrote this delicious pegoryu that you have to read)

a study in what not to say by succubused (T) | 3rd sem | shuake | one shot "Akira has finally had enough of Akechi's bullshit; they resolve it the only ways they know how." If you like the boys being really nasty to each other, this fic is a must. It has excellent dialogue, dynamics, and a tad of homoerotic wound tending which can't hurt no one!

MY ALL-TIME FAVOURITES The fics that rewired my brain chemistry, took my heart out, slapped it, put it back, and left me a whole new person.

27 steps to seduce a crow by relationshipcrimes (G) | Royal | shuakeshu | one shot "A handy bullet-pointed list on how to flirt with, seduce, and keep your local Akechi Goro." Still to this day, I think of this fic in terms of Goro's characterization. If I have a thing for post-canon shuake chasing each other, it's probably due to this one.

The Brigverse by TzviaAriella (E but most works are M) | Pirates AU | akeshuake | series, ongoing I admittedly don't care that much about pirates but the og fic from this series (A Brig Too Far) was being passed on so much that I gave it a try and. Oh boy. Not only is the characterization impeccable, the story compelling, and the action thrilling, but at least one scene and/or line from each work in this series has altered my brain permanently. I am a new person after reading Brigverse.

wild and free by bangandawhimper (E) | a/b/o | shuakeshu | one shot "Akira Kurusu hasn’t always been an omega. But now everyone he meets in this city assumes he’s an omega. He’s treated like an omega. He feels like an omega. He knows he feels like an omega because he remembers what it was to be an alpha." This work might have my favourite take ever on shuakeshu omegaverse, it's so fitting for them, so thought out, and the characterization is so on point... my god. Read this fic now.

The Diamond Chest by kinneas (E) | post-Royal | shuakeshu | 3 chapters, complete "Who says you have to see Morgana speak in the Metaverse before you can hear him in the real world? Not the few hundred officers who arrested Ren in Sae’s Palace two years ago, that’s for sure." Honestly everything kinnes writes is gold but I'm shouting this fic out because I reread more than a few scenes from this fic more than once, and it's a 100k-words baby. I am a sucker for heist stories, I am a sucker for dealing with trauma in very tangible ways, and I'm a sucker for kinneas' characterization of the boys.

before midnight by specterthief (Not rated) | 3rd sem, canon compliant | gen | one shot "“I—” Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Sumire sets down her chopsticks and rubs her face with both hands. “Um—who told you I was going to training camp?” (On January 9th, Sumire goes home.)" This is the stellar Sumire characterization fic you're looking for. Read this. Read this right now.

I HOPE THIS DOESN'T AWAKEN SOMETHING IN ME (DELUSIONAL) I clicked on these fics solely due to my trust in the authors/the summary/one rec and now I find myself with a new kink. Thanks.

Containment Breach by salexectria (E) | Space pirates AU | akeshu | one shot Akira gets stranded on an abandoned spaceship seemingly infested by a terrifying creature. He finds the lonely survivor of the crew and they begrudgingly start to work together to contact help and survive. I am just going to say that I clicked for salex's name, I stayed for the stellar characterization, pining and top-tier bantering, and got overwhelmed by the tentacle sex. (/pos)

it takes two by lumensd (E) | 3rd sem | akeshu | two-shots By all means, this series has some things I usually am not interested in (phone sex, degradation) but Jay is so skilled and his akeshus are so fucked in the head that now I've signed up for the masochist Joker agenda. Hurray!

i dream of you draped in wires by rime (E) | 3rd sem | akeshu | one shot "Maruki's Shadows don't want to fight; they just want to collect data. Wait, are those cat ears?" You would think a work with the tag "catboy shibari gunplay fuckordie" can't be too serious. Wrong! Excellent character study attack 🔪🔪🔪 (from the same author there's also this P5 vanilla fic that is excellent)

Darken my doorway by EnlacingLines (E) | 3rd sem-post canon | akeshu | one shot ""I don’t need to test my theory. You should be thanking me, really. Opening this door for you.” “A door to what?” Akira says, exasperated by just how self congratulatory Goro still sounds.“ Submission.” Or: I am a firm switch shuake shipper, I don't vibe with too-extreme dynamics *proceeds to go ballistics over this fic regardless*, *awakens to the wonder of d/s a lil fucked up dynamics*

[binders-and-beanies]

Thinking abt when someone told me that religious trauma is only for when you had an exorcism like,, that’s literally not true and is just very revealing as to the kinds of abuse and long term impacts some people are just lucky enough to not understand. Religious trauma usually has to do with prolonged control and distress rather than a single event. Of course a single event can be traumatizing but 1) in cases of religious trauma these things most often don’t happen in the absence of long term abuse and 2) most people’s biggest struggles with religious trauma revolve around holding a harmful set of beliefs for years and thus struggling to build a life outside of that. It rewires your brain, often over a lifetime, and can take years or decades to undo that damage. It isolates you and keeps you from leaving because you have no connections outside of your religion. Reducing it to only exorcisms shows a clear misunderstanding of even just the general meanings of abuse and trauma, including specifically religious trauma. TLDR you can’t just arbitrarily decide what a term means bc its actual definition makes christians look bad

[lesbianfakir]

hi! I started reading your fanfic a couple days ago and I just wanted to let you know how amazing it is <33 I finished princess tutu less than a week ago and I'm so glad to find such high quality content ! Do you have any specific headcanons about rue and mythos relationship?

Aaaaa tysm Im so so happy you like it!! Man. Man finishing tutu for the first time literally a transcendent experience, it rewired my brain chemistry forever.

I will preface this with saying I think rue and mytho are really cute. I like how it’s her strength that draws him to her. When he sees how much she’s suffered under years of abuse he realizes he WANTS to love her which is monumental considering mytho spends most of the show unaware or confused about what he wants.

THAT SAID… ohohohoho Ruetho you have so many problems. I hope it’s coming through in my fic but I write them as walking on eggshells around each other. Rue is frightened that one day he’ll “wake up” from his love and she’ll be left directionless in life. Rue has put all her eggs in one basket for her entire life. We, the audience, know she would be okay without mytho. Not only does she have Duck but she has so many admirable qualities that we KNOW she’ll be okay standing on her own. Rue doesn’t see it that way. Mytho has, in her eyes, been the only person who could love her for so many years of COURSE she conceptualizes her whole identity around him. If she loses mytho she loses her sense of self. So she tries to be what her idea of a perfect princess who was never touched by the raven would be. She only wears light colors, she tries to never show negative emotions, and she works hard to make everyone in mytho’s kingdom love her. The problem is she believes she’s one tiny slip up away from losing everything

Mytho on the other hand loves Rue truly, but he has yet to process his trauma by her hands. If you look for it, in my fic I write little details like him flinching when rue raises her voice or snapping to attention when she gets angry. But he hates these responses in himself and he tries to steam roller over them. I imagine mytho as someone who’s so wrapped around the idea of being the perfect honorable prince, and princes love their princesses unconditionally. They aren’t angry or hurt or afraid of them. And Rue is rue right? Kraehe was a trick of the raven. So he tells himself he’s okay and he tells himself he’s moved on from their past but all the while the cracks in their relationship grow bigger. Deep down he’s hurt and he’s angry but those are ugly emotions he’s been without for so long he doesn’t know how to process them

I think a core detail in how I conceptualize them is they both perceive themselves as being the lesser one in a a power imbalance. Rue is a plain, human girl unworthy of a prince and one day he will realize his mistake and leave her. Mytho is afraid of Kraehe, no matter how much he reassures himself he has forgiven rue, and as such he’s very careful with what he says and does around her

Anyways I like to think in the 3 years between the end of the show and the start of the fic they have never gotten into a real argument. They both won’t let themselves show their real emotions so we have these two people wearing beautiful, flawless porcelain masks to hide the absolute maelstrom of emotions they are feeling. Their love comes from a real foundation and they do express it, it’s everything else that is wrong. Tldr; she’s trying to be a perfect barbie and he’s trying to be a perfect ken. They are both miserable

[rweoutofthewoods]

hi mere!!!

i hope it’s not a bother but can you tell me the difference between bipolar and bpd and if you don’t know how to or don’t want to that’s totally okay, have a good day

Yes actually! I’d love to bc even in my little corner of the internet people confuse the two a bit too much. Which I get, there’s some similarities but also differences. I’m not as well versed on bipolar compared to bpd but mental health has always been an interest to me so I know hopefully enough to explain.

Biggest thing: bpd is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder. Meaning while mood disorder indicate a chemical imbalance and severe changes in mood, a personality disorder changes the way you think and act, especially in relation to other people.

They’re both characterized by extreme up and downs, but in bipolar it’s distinct periods of depression or mania, usually lasting a chunk of time. In BPD you could go from the lowest low, to anxious to ecstatic in the space of a single hour. And of course, in bpd they’re usually triggered by by an outside force.

And really these mood swings are just one part of BPD, it includes other things like intense fear of abandonment, intense and unstable relationships, chronic feeling of emptiness or no sense of self to name a few. So once again, personality disorder, not a mood disorder.

And bpd is caused by trauma, bipolar is caused by a chemical imbalance. BUT I’m a little hazy on this and my research is inconclusive bc I’ve read before that it is possible for a chemical imbalance to be the cause of BPD but it doesn’t seem to be the common consensus. Because the thing about BPD is it’s literally that something in your childhood rewired your brain and changed the way you think, interact with, and feel about the world and people around you. It’s not always treatable with medication but requires intense psychological intervention and things like DBT.

I hope this helps a little! I don’t know as much about bipolar so if anyone does and wants to add on, or is a professional when I am NOT in any way, feel free to correct me!

[maochira]

I've posted about this months ago, but I feel like it's time for me to open up a bit again.

This blog mainly consists of dad and big brother fics and headcanons, thanks to my massive father and big brother complexes. Writing these fics and headcanons has helped my mental health A LOT because they brought (and still bring) me a lot of comfort and I put my own life experiences in some fics. They gave me a chance to at least imagine experiencing a normal childhood.

There's people who read what I write who told me they don't have a good relationship with their family members, and that my writings bring them a lot of comfort. I'm so happy I can help some people, because I've been through so much myself.

Writing these family fics was like taking back control. Writing my own scenarios and having control over them. Especially whenever I write dad!Ego because he's not really the type of character most people would expect to be a good father. And writing him as a good father helped me a lot.

TW: talks about emotional and physical abuse, child neglect and trauma

I grew up in an abusive household. I mainly went through emotional abuse, but also physical. I was manipulated, controlled and neglected. I escaped that household when I was kicked out of it when I was 13, and even after that my abusers still found ways to damage me.

One abuser was my ex-stepfather, who is completely out of my life now. He abused me the most and even though he was supposed to be a second father figure, he made me go through hell. My mother divorced him shortly before I turned 16 and her new boyfriend is SO MUCH better

But oh well, my mother was my other abuser. But I was more neglected than abused by her because she was at work so much I saw her 1 or 2 days a week despite living at her place. I always visited my father on weekends and during holidays but not being allowed to visit him was used as a threat to make me "behave correctly."

By now my mother has acknowledged her mistakes and apologized. Doesn't make what she did okay but she doesn't behave like she did anymore. My mother and I have a better relationship nowadays.

I've been living with my father since I got kicked out of my previous home at 13. But I still had to go through awful stuff even after escaping my abusers. (My dad is great btw he never did anything to hurt me, he always wanted the best for me and tried to help)

When I was 14 I spent 3 months in a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with multiple things, PTSD was one of them. That therapist assigned the wrong event to my PTSD, though. That mental hospital wasn't the best experience in general.

I tried looking for help ever since I was 11. Teachers, a social worker, CPS and a psychologist literally watched me being in misery and I never got proper help until late 2019 when I was 15 and finally got a good therapist.

On top of that comes the fact that I've shown signs of being autistic, or at least neurodivergent in general, ever since I was a kid so I barely understood the way the world is anyways. (I have no autism diagnosis but an okay from a therapist to say I'm autistic. I usually call myself neurodivergent because having PTSD makes me neurodivergent anyways. I still want to dig deeper and talk to my dad about how exactly I was as a child especially before the abuse happened.)

Trauma rewires your brain. The brain can't develop properly if it's constantly in survival mode.

But I survived. I have the damage, but I survived.

And I'm in control over myself now.

[transpanda-1]

I think I'm plural. Where do I go from here?

🌓There's a couple different avenues you could go down, but we have a few pieces of advice that might help:

EDIT: Our friend also mentioned that it's okay to not know everything at first! Alters might take awhile to come out and switches can be random/suppressed for a bit. Know that figuring this stuff out is literally rewiring how your brain works a little, ya know? :P

Check out plurality groups or places of information. You can either find a system/singlet more experienced with knowledge about the topic, or check out infographic websites like this one:

2. Try to find a place where you can feel comfortable AND safe just trying out being plural. This has honestly been why we've been so successful at detangling systems: We just let them try it out to see how they feel about it. Our DM's are usually open for this kind of behavior. We hold a very personal opinion that it's better to live in a world where you can try out being plural and it turns out its not you, then a world where you don't get that chance. There's no harm in just feeling the edges out to see where you land. This can be either over text, or in person, or something else!

3. Think about your past experiences with identity. For example: If you're trans, did you have a period before realizing that you attached in similar ways? Did you feel similar arguments sprouting up to try to deny it? And if not that, how about just how you've acted around people? Being plural can define a lot of past interactions you didn't think about before. The "moods" you might have, if you speak in different voices sometimes, etc etc etc.

4. Understand you're not alone. Studies show that DID has a 1~1.5% estimated percentage of the world population (though we're not sure if that includes OSDD 1B, traumagenic systems with no memory loss). Although it's described as "rare", it's actually a fairly common condition in the grand scheme of things.

A community is forming (hah!) as more and more plural people come to accept their existence. There are many more plural people out there living their best lives! And you can too!

5. Know that therapy, while it can help, also has a tendency of dealing with psychologists who are taught the only way to "cure" plurality is to have alters integrate. Many systems now are trying to co-exist together because it's becoming more understood that you kind of *can't* cure plurality? So know there's no harm in self diagnosing.

6. Read up on plural fiction, if you can! There's nothing more important or validating than to see other's experiences with plurality! Unfortunately we can't really recommend most mainstream stories, as plurality seems to be more a growing movement in fanfiction spaces. Here's some links to plural stories that made us feel good or were written by us (Yeah bitch of course every word is a different link, gotta go extra as Pandora :P )

And of course, we could say more, like understand c-ptsd (a lot of little trauma over time) can make you plural, find outside sources to reaffirm you, etc. etc. etc.

But we just wanna say that no matter where you end up, take this motto to heart, a message to every alter that might be in there, from us: Thank you for existing! ❤💚🖤🤍🧡💜💖❣💙💔💗🫶🏽💟🤎

[cherienymphe]

I'm having an affair on my husband with a married man.

My husband is verbally and physically abusive so even though I know I'm doing something wrong I just can't turn down the dopamine rush from talking to someone who actually wants to talk to me.

He on the other hand is just cheating on his wife because she word out of state a lot and I'm just a crime of convenience.

I'm such an idiot for being in my feelings about this when I'm the villain

I wouldn't say you're a villain. Your situation isn't very black and white and I think you're just a victim struggling to find any semblance of comfort and normality. You're in a physically abusive relationship and your brain and mannerisms have literally been rewired by trauma. I'm not going to tell you it's okay what you're complicit in because it's certainly not, but I just hope you eventually find comfort from someone in a way that isn't complicit in bringing harm to someone else

[copperrust]

thinking about how autism and schizospec symptoms overlap (venting ahead)

i thought i was autistic for some time. i had trouble making connection to peers and they perceived me as "weird" and i had "odd" interests and preferred to stay solitary. and i was bullied for my entire school life so i guessed that that was just undiagnosed autism this whole time?

but it was like this only since i started school, i don't remember anything from my early childhood except for misplaced dreams but my parents told me i was a very friendly and talkative child, i didn't have trouble speaking nor connecting with people.

i'm thinking about how my mother told me once that "it was like they i was switched up with a different child".

i was turned into kindergarten a year early and it was the same with school. i just turned 6 years old and everyone else was already 7. it's not like it was something that severe but i guess i just couldn't adapt well to that new environment.

i moved cities for second grade. that's somewhat the time where i start to actually remember things. i remember getting othered and bullied and i remember crying almost every day and teachers telling me to stop because it makes them look bad. i remember that there was nobody to tell. i remember getting no help at all. i remember changing schools again only in fourth grade and the bullying not stopping but only getting lighter.

i don't know if it was in first or second grade but i guess i developed stpd during that time. now when i changed schools my othering and bullying was "justified" even by "well-behaved" children because now i was weird and now i acted weird and nobody would be friends with someone like that. i remember drawing and drawing and drawing a lot because i liked drawing animals and i didn't like people anymore

i remember coping through violent fantasies and drawings since third grade because it was not safe to cry in public and i don't know when my face got so flat because it was not safe to show myself to people and how nobody noticed

i remember not trusting people because people hate me and people are staring at me and people are judging me and they expect me to trust and want to open myself to them

i remember that the last words from my classmate when i finished middle school were that i'm really weird

i don't know if i developed avpd later or at roughly the same time or even if there is avpd. i am not very good with memory

i remember finding symptoms of autism and thinking that wow that must be it. that must be the reason why everything happened and why i'm like this. but i uh don't really stim and don't have that much sensory issues and didn't connect to a lot of non-social issues that autistic people have. it's weird how i struggled with derealization and depersonalisation and disassociation so much and it didn't connect somehow that that could be trauma-based.

and then i experienced my first psychotic episode at 17 i think lol.

i was supposed to summarise all of this somehow in a really good way but i don't remember what i wanted to say. other traumatic stuff also happened along the way but i don't want to include things because they are not relevant and i'm afraid of being tracked.

it's weird how trauma literally rewires your brain and makes you a different person where you don't even know what you could have been

but it was just kids being kids eh

also schizospec and autistic people should unite i think

[causetheturtle]

Thoughts while rewatching season 3 of Riverdale:

1. K why did Alice’s farm style slay so hard? Like she looked so great

2. Love how Archie is literally in this prison FOR FUCKING MURDER and still nobody is scared of him - they saw this man in his nice little shoes his rich girlfriend gave him and were like “yeah this man is ducking useless”

3. VERONICA STOP BUYING YOUR BOYFRIEND NICE THINGS WHILE HE’S IN PRISON! He’s just gonna get this shit stolen your dad was in jail how do you not know how a prison works?

4. It’s so sad that the normies got hold of the “epic highs and lows of high school football” line because it really is such a perfect Archie line - this man is naive and kind hearted enough to believe a game of football is all that’s needed to fix the structurally broken prison system but if you haven’t watched the show and don’t know anything about Archie then it’s obviously gonna seem ridiculous

5. Riverdale relationship drama is so funny cause it’s like “Betty had a stress related seizure due her mother and sister joining a cult and didn’t tell Jughead” or “Veronica isn’t sure of the best way to help Archie through his time in prison”

6. Kevin asking Moose if he’s embarrassed by him of course he is Kevin have you met yourself? Your literally the worst

7. Organising a musical number and cheerleading routine for her boyfriend while he plays a game of football in prison is actually the most normal reaction Veronica Lodge has ever had to any situation ever

8. Realising I talk about Riverdale the same way all of the G&G players talk about G&G

9. Imagine being an adult in Riverdale and hearing that a new bar opened up under Pop’s and going for a night out to check it out but you get there and it’s just a load of teenagers doing musical numbers and drinking mocktails

10. Why is FP’s immediate reaction to any situation ever to just grab his son’s face and yell at him? Begging for this man to have a normal non-abusive reaction to something just one time

11. Will never stop thinking about the Midnight Club. It was the first episode of Riverdale I really watched and it’s still one of my favourites. Like the way all of the parents tried so hard and came so close to breaking their moulds and forging their own paths but they never did and just fell into exactly what the world and the people around them wanted to be AND how their kids are all in the same situation now? The narrative, the cycles, the generational trauma! This episode has everything

12. Knowing now that Sheriff Keller actually WAS into guys the whole time and it was just that he didn’t want to be with Moose’s dad makes the whole situation so much funnier

13. The idea that they were all booking out the bunker for certain nights a week is so funny - like did they have physical a schedule? Who kept the schedule? Did it just sit in like the offices of the Blue and Gold?

14. I fucking love Archie and Josie together and have fully convinced myself that Josie is somehow California Women

15. It needs to be studied what exactly the Heathers episode did to my brain because that one episode of TV completely rewired my brain chemistry and changed the trajectory of my life

16. It’s so sad that the happiest Polly ever got to be was when she was part of a cult. It’s also sad how much everyone’s farm fashion went off cause they all looked so good during that era

17. It’s actually a miracle it took so long for Fangs to actually die there were so many attempts on his life

18. God Veronica running multiple businesses at age 16 and none of the Riverdale adults batting an eye and just respecting her as a business women will never not be funny to me

19. The plot twist that Alice was actually working undercover to take down the farm actually makes her being so awful to Betty make less sense. Sure, she was doing it for the greater good I guess but like she didn’t have to give away her college money or sell their fucking house leaving Betty with the options of homelessness or moving to a cult to get it done

20. FP maybe if you need to get your teenage son to regularly come and help you with your job as sheriff then you shouldn’t be doing it? Although on the other hand Jughead would’ve gone to those crime scenes anyway so like maybe it’s a good thing FP was there as adult supervision

21. GOD the cult break out and scavenger quest are such amazing finales for this season. Everyone nearly dies about ten times, Kevin and Fangs no longer have kidneys, the core four staggering through the woods in formal wear close to death together, Cheryl and Toni coming to save them all with the power of gangs and bows and arrows, it had literally everything you could want!

22. Love how Hal Cooper is canonically one of the worst serial killers ever and every woman he’s been with tells him this to his face