#until the angst comes and then he's less chill <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atxxzist · 1 month

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spring in our hearts | c.s

summary: the spring where you finally fall in love and experience everything that comes with it; the good and the bad

pairing: choi san x f!reader

genre: angst, slice of life, slowburn, romance, fluff?

word count: 21.4k

pink.

everything outside is turning pink. the petals fallen from the cherry blossom trees sweeping the streets as the wind carries it away with the cold chill, making the arrival of spring feel so much more real.

pink has always reminded you of love though your best friend tells you to not think about it often. he believes you're horrible at it and has a shallow view on it.

you wouldn't say you're horrible if you don't exactly have the experience for it, your only romantic relationship ever was freshman year of college with a boy from english who found you cute but broke it off after only 3 months because he thought you weren't interested.

yeosang still brings it up occasionally because only texting a boy when they texted you and telling them you could only hang out once a week isn't the way to show someone you do like them.

you thought it was quite the statement coming from yeosang because he wasn't much of a prize either before his current relationship that finally managed to last longer than 6 months.

but he think he has finally found the one. he's sure of it. and maybe he's right about you being horrible to some extent because you wouldn't understand or know the feeling of when someone is just right.

you still don't get how your uncle was willing to move halfway across the country for the 'love of his life', leaving everything he knew behind in hope of making it work, or how your mother married your father against her parents wishes although you know him to be a great man.

even the compromises both yeosang and grace have to make can be hard to wrap your head around, but yeosang always says every time that once you meet that person, you will understand.

"this seat taken?"

your thoughts are broken and your neck snaps away from the window and its petal shower to the voice beside that takes your breath away momentarily because though he's just standing there in his morning hair, grey hoodie, and sweatpants, he looks absolutely out of place in this small cafe.

you shake your head, a knot forming in your throat the longer you stare at this stranger.

"i'll take it, if that's okay with you."

"go ahead," you assure, no idea why you're so captivated by this stranger you've known for less than a minute, eyes unable to leave as he removes his backpack to place in the seat next to him and finally takes the seat across from you.

you clear your throat, scanning the surrounding and just noticing how packed it has gotten within the few minutes you were out before looking back down to the half finished sketch on the table.

"you go there?"

the question pulls your head back up, meeting eyes once again with this stranger who has now comfortably seated himself, confused as to what he's talking about until he points with his chin to the sweater you're wearing that has your school logo plastered all over it.

you let another second of silence slip through before answering in your most friendliest tone because you don't usually get people trying to start conversations often, or at all.

"oh, yes," you say. "it was a shirt my friend didn't want."

you regret the words as soon as they leave, feeling like you wanna smack ur head onto the table because you don't know why you needed him to know that.

you really are not big on school spirits or whatever, but yeosang had offered it to you after he bought a size too small.

and this stranger is probably able to sense your nervousness just now that he attempts to giggle it off, dimples emerging from his cheeks all of a sudden that you can't keep your eyes off of.

you've seen a fair share of good looking guys in your lifetime, but this dude might just be at the very top and you're thinking the only obvious reason he'd even wanna sit with you is because all the other seats were taken.

"well that's nice of them," he says with a warm smile. "it's a well designed shirt."

you nod slowly at that.

"i guess so."

"i just transferred the beginning of this year so i just thought it was cool to run into someone alike."

"oh?" your pitch piques with a unique kind of interest. "y-you also go there?"

"yes. junior, going onto senior next semester. you?"

"same..." you answer, fighting the tiniest smile that wants to break out because what were the chances the two of you are the exact same age, and it's not like you plan on seeing him after this, but to hear how big the possibilites are is a little crazy.

he chuckles, one hand running over his disheveled hair as you're sure the same thing is also going through his mind.

"and then what?" yeosang asks, after you finish the retelling of your encounter with the incredibly cute and kind boy from the cafe.

"what?" you repeat, one eyebrow raised.

"what happened after?" he states, as if asking the obvious while spinning around in the computer chair that belongs to his girlfriend.

"i had to go to class," you answer, unfazed and oblivious much to yeosang's frustration which is why he wanna facepalm right then and there.

"you didn't even ask for his number?"

you shake your head. "no."

"i bet you don't even know his name," he says only sarcastically but he would be right.

"i don't."

you watch in bafflement as yeosang continues to sigh and complain before grace comes bursting through the door with the two boxes of pizza.

"you won't believe what your girl just told me," yeosang opens his big mouth and tells on you the second he can, prompting grace to hum in curioisity because she's just as equally nosy.

"what happened?" she says, placing the boxes on the stand next to the door.

"little miss over here had a cute boy actually talk to her and didn't even ask for his number nor his name," yeosang spews, accusation in his tone like you just committed a crime. "and worst of all, she lost the pen i got her for christmas."

grace gasps in response and plops down next to you as her weight makes the bed sink.

you roll your eyes, dismissing the last comment but going on to defend your name, "okay. you're being dramatic. it's not like i want him to be my boyfriend. i just happened to meet someone pleasant and i'm okay with the idea that nothing more will come from it."

your best friend shakes his head in disapproval and mutters, "you anti-romantic."

"and where did you meet this boy again?" grace asks.

"the cafe i usually go to."

"maybe you'll run into him again." she shrugs.

"maybe," you utter lowly. "but it's ok. like i said, i just thought it was a nice encounter and had to tell yeosang about it but if i knew he was gonna make a big ass deal, i would've just told you."

"excuse you," yeosang chimes in, "i was just looking out for you. you need to get yourself a boyfriend or at least a friend of your own so you won't be cockblocking all the time."

"first of all, i did get myself a friend," you say, your voice a type of snarky, "but you had to go and make her your girlfriend."

yeosang scoffs, the topic making rounds once again and proceeds to stop spinning himself to churn out another comment to annoy you.

"well maybe she became your friend because she was always meant to be my girlfriend."

you met grace as soon as you stepped foot onto campus given she was your literal roommate, and it only took a couple days to become comfortable with each other because the girl was so friendly and welcoming unlike anyone you've ever met before.

it wasn't until a week later that you considered the two of you actual friends, taking in the fact she was someone you saw yourself sticking by even in the far future.

but it only took another month for yeosang to see what you saw in her and snatched her away, recalling how fast their relationship went from friendly to romantic, you were so annoyed with yeosang because if anything went awry, it would've costed you the first friend you've made besides him.

but here's to them going on 2 years and a half so you really hope yeosang doesn't fuck it up because you think with his track records, you're in the right to have some doubts.

ignoring his response, you go on, "and second of all, your bitch ass invited me so how am i cockblocking?"

grace lets out half a chuckle and stands up to head for the boxes earlier, turning to the both of you.

"you both are hangry. pizza?" she offers.

yeosang takes a slice while you shake your head, telling her you're not hungry right now.

"my point is," yeosang continues, "it was the perfect chance and you completely missed it, but it's whatever now. i summoned you today because i've only seen your hermit ass like three times ever since the start of the term."

"well, yes. i wanted to focus on my studies."

"you need to learn how to relax once in a while," he says, with actual sympathy this time, "which is why i think you're gonna love what i have to say next."

but it just mellows out into an almost sarcastic-like tone, as if he knows you're gonna hate the idea but he's still persistent to go through with it.

"what?" you say, unamused.

he adjusts himself in the chair and puts the barely bitten pizza on standby as grace stares in anticipation because you're sure she already knows exactly what he's gonna say.

"so like, remember yunho?" he squeaks.

it takes a raised brow and maybe two seconds, but you manage to remember, blurting, "jeong yunho?"

"yes!" he nods way too excitedly.

all you really know about jeong yunho was that you've met him probably only twice and had less than a conversation when you did, though not failing to recall how soft-spoken and kind he also was.

"it's his birthday... well, technically his birthday already passed, but he's gonna be holding a late party to celebrate it and i might've maybe told him you're gonna come," yeosang announces, ending the ment with a stupid goofy smile like that's gonna lessen the impact.

"what the fuck, yeosang?"

you scowl, and grace jumps in, "i told him not to but he didn't wanna listen."

"it's a great opportunity!" he cowers back, high-pitched and all as he tries standing his ground.

"you know how much i hate parties!" you yell back just as loud.

"you've been to one!"

"one too much!"

"oh come on, y/n!" he slumps back in the chair staring at you like a disappointed parent. "you only have a year left after this semester. do you really not even wanna have some fun?"

"no. i really don't," you deadpan, much to an eyeroll and sigh from him while grace just sits by idly watching.

"it's not gonna be one of those crazy weird frat parties, i promise. just a house party with close friends, yunho said. plus, there's gonna be plenty of cute guys there."

"good for you. maybe you can find someone there," you say unseriously much to a giggle from grace but to an unamused yeosang because he seriously mean it.

he wants you out of your comfort zone at least just once and go and talk to people you might potentially like, having stayed in your own bubble for so long.

"please?"

the desperation makes you fight the urge to give in but you're losing, only huffing in annoyance.

"what happened to 'you're horrible at this romantic shit'?" you cite him word for word, throwing it back in his face.

"that's cause you really are. plus, you were being annoying at the time. but still doesn't mean i don't want you to try."

you think you're gonna regret. you know you're gonna regret it, but a part of you want to do it just for your best friend so you cave.

"i'll go. but if someone pukes on me again, i'm making you clean that shit with your own mouth."

the party starts at 7 p.m. sharp but yeosang's late birthday gift run leaves you guys almost an hour late, lightly knocking on yunho's door at 7:54 p.m. expecting for the house to be flooded with even more people you don't know but you're surprise to see a couple familiar faces in the background when the door comes apart.

"hey!" the tall birthday boy greets all of you, a lady by her side and arm wrapped around his who you can only assume to be his girlfriend sends a friendly smile the same time.

"come in, come in," he ushers, the three of you stepping inside to the much humble and comforting interior, nothing alike a stereotypical party setting and it's already managed to be the better party you've attended.

it's homey, a bit classy, and you should've expected it because the house is also in a relatively safe part of the neighborhood.

"you guys made it!" yunho welcomes again, his voice loud and excited, eyes traveling between your friends before it eventually stops on you.

"y/n, right?" he says, your name almost foreign sounding coming from him.

you nod in response and the taller boy smiles in relief, not typical of him to forget names but also not wanting to mess up and offend you.

"glad you could make it. i was afraid you couldn't because yeosang went on and on about how much parties scares you."

you narrow your eyes at your best friend and his habit of oversharing before a loose chuckle escapes.

"did he now?"

"he did," yunho says, also a small giggle out of him as if trying to ease the mood and make you comfortable. "but don't worry about it. it's not gonna be crazy, i'm sure of that."

"i appreciate it," you thank him, touched by the kind gesture of assurance although the man barely knows you. "i'll try to enjoy myself."

again, you've only seen yunho on two occasions before this and you can barely even recall the second one, only seeing him in passing along with others currently at the party when you'd go seek out yeosang inbetween classes.

yeosang smirks from beside you, happy and impressed from how you're already easing yourself into the situation, clearing his throat and deciding it's his turn.

"this is for you, birthday boy," yeosang says, presenting the gift in his hand proudly as if he didn't panic just almost 2 hours ago when you brought up if he was gonna get yunho something.

"appreciate it, man. i'm gonna put it with all the other gifts to open later."

he takes it into his hold, attention shortly pulled away by another knock at the door.

"i'm gonna get that. you guys make yourself at home," yunho says, excusing himself with his lady still at armrest.

"see, that wasn't so bad," yeosang takes the first chance he gets as soon as yunho's out of earshot, nudging you by the shoulder much to an eyeroll in return.

"don't speak so fast, we haven't even made it past 10 minutes."

"it's gonna be awesome," he states, convinced of his own words. "you, grace, and all the other girlies can hang out or something while i'm gonna go chat it up with the boys."

a visible annoyance paints grace's expression as she huffs, "if that's the case, i'm coming with. you seem to get stupider with every party."

a couple minutes later and a banter between the lovebirds about how reckless yeosang gets when he's drunk, you wind up in the downstairs bathroom of yunho's house, regretting that you didn't take grace's advice of peeing before coming.

at least the bathroom's nice but you don't wanna have to go out of your way and look for your friends in midst of all staring eyes. you already had enough of those making your way here.

the two had said they wouldn't leave you and it's best you guys stick together, but when you finally spot yeosang, he's already chatting it up with someone new when he was talking to wooyoung before--someone you also don't know well except the fact he's loud and extroverted the last time you met him.

grace is nowhere to be found and you're thinking whether you should just go look for her or insert yourself into the conversation yeosang and this stranger who's only visible from the back of his head, is having.

you don't get to make a choice because yeosang is quick to make it for you, sneaking over this person's shoulder and locking eyes with yours, one hand in the air motioning you to come as if you're his pet while his other is now occupied with a red cup.

you can hear him spewing from a distant as you make your way there, telling the person before him, "oh right, san, this is--"

"--strawberry peach?" the voice not belonging to yeosang says, so strange but familiar and recent at the same time, it stops you dead in track once you meet his eyes.

"strawberry peach lemonade?"

you pick your head up at what sounds like a question, following his gaze to your drink on the table, answering a mere, "yes."

"you came to a cafe to get lemonade?" he tease, delivery a type of amused that would've offended you if not for the smile on his lips.

"what's wrong with that?"

he snickers lowly and shakes his head before going back to his book and muttering, "nothing."

"oh?" yeosang is as confused as the both of you. "you two know each other?" because very rarely do you ever know anyone before he does.

"we met the other day," san tells your friend, your lips tight and body too in shock to answer properly. "at a cafe. she got the strawberry peach lemonade."

"oh. oh!" yeosang's volume turns an octave, a realization hitting him and making the corners of his lips go up because this is the guy you were going on about who was so cute and left such an impression you had to tell him when he knows you to not even look twice a guy's direction.

"thank god," you friend says. "i was afraid she went by some alias on the internet i wasn't aware of."

the comment makes both you and san freeze in place before a chuckle comes hurling out of him though he was fighting to bite it back.

you don't blame him because why would you when your best friend just implied he thought it was your possible camgirl name.

"you're fucking stupid," you hiss, a mix between laughing it off and feeling extremely embarrassed in front of the sole person you didn't think you'd ever meet again and this is how you're officially reintroduced.

"well," yeosang exhales, quick to brush off the remark because he has other things in mind, "i'm gonna go look for grace."

you knew it was coming and that he was gonna try to get the two of you alone but you didn't think it'd come this fast, your palms already starting to sweat and your feet feels like it's gonna make a run for it.

"i'll catch you guys later. you two have fun," yeosang bids goodbye as san returns one while you're just standing and thinking of all the ways to get back at him if this doesn't go well.

"a bit crazy, isn't it?"

that soft, melodic tone pulls you away from yeosang's walking figure and to his eyes that could almost melt you on the spot, that strange sensation settling in the pit of your stomach from his lingering gaze.

"definitely a bit crazy," you manage to say after composing yourself, because you do wanna talk to him and not scare him away, but you're feeling a lot more self-conscious than usual.

but whereas you cave easily under stressful situations, san treads through them with confidence, breaking the ice by asking a question.

"that guy, yeosang, you guys together?"

and if you were in the middle of drinking something, you would've spat it right out at such question.

"definitely not," you deny passionately, though it wouldn't be the first; you and yeosang getting the accusation from time to time because you two happen to be of opposite sex and are actually just friends.

"i'd rather lose an arm before picking to settle with him," you add.

you love your best friend, you do. he's always there for you when needed and has been with you through everything, but he's also messy, lazy, and probably the most disgusting person you know.

grace is a soldier for putting up with it for almost three years now and you don't know how she does it.

san chuckles at the response and the pure offense on your face.

"why not? sounds like an overall decent dude."

"i've known him since middle school. he's more a friend than anything and sometimes like a brother. plus, he has a girlfriend, grace."

"ah," san coos, "so you're the friend. he did say he came with his girlfriend and a friend but he thought his friend was trying to hide."

you shouldn't have expected any better from yeosang but you still wanna kick when you do see him, opting to calmly explain yourself, "was just taking a while in the restroom, that's all."

though you're not sure if it was necessary to address that, your cheeks burning a light pink after that san takes notice to.

he giggles it off and you're glad it made him smile at least.

"if i knew i was gonna meet you here, i'd bring your pen, but i don't think neither of us were expecting such coincidence."

your eyes swell a kind of surprise, almost stuttering when you finally speak, "you got my pen?"

you had quickly packed all your things, afraid you were gonna be late for the next class and you were so sure you got everything. it wasn't until you got back to the dorms that you noticed the stylo sketch pen yeosang got you for christmas was missing.

it didn't take long for it to be considered lost forever because there wasn't much hope of finding it even if you went back, but you didn't think it'd wind up in the hands of the boy you met that day.

"yeah, sorry if you came back looking for it. i had noticed you left it and thought it was rude if i didn't do anything. maybe that's why fate sent me here today," he says, snickering at the last comment, though at this point blaming it on fate doesn't seem so crazy.

"thank you," you tell him quietly, moved by the consideration but volume falling behind the progressing loud music though he can still make out your lips.

"no problem." he smiles.

and you don't know how it's possible but he looks even better than last time, the black attire and slicked back hair a contrast to the other day but when you speak to him, it all still feels the same... the slightly mischievous but easygoing personality turning away your initial worries and nervousness until you can't even remember why you had them.

the only thing left to weigh heavy is his usage of 'fate', the impression that you two meeting today was because of destiny and something already set in stone, but you might be overthinking.

"do you wanna go outside?" he asks, practically shouting at this point because the music has completely drowned out his voice.

he can tell you didn't hear him by how you confusingly squint your brows and unintentionally lean closer, to which he returns, whispering into your ear that shouldn't have sparked whatever it did.

you pull away to nod hesitantly and follow him out the backdoor, your throat clogged and body almost frozen if you weren't walking, glad he isn't looking because never in your life has a man smell that good before.

it's probably not the best idea to be away from your friends with someone you barely know, but you also don't have any reasons not to trust san... for now.

the spring air hugs your skin and you shiver slightly, only a thin cardigan to protect from the cold that makes san second guess coming out here.

"if it's too cold, we can go back inside. i just thought maybe you'd prefer somewhere where we could actually hear each other."

you shake your head but throw in a small smile to show you appreciate the consideration.

"it's okay. it is definitely way too loud inside there."

"yeah," he agrees, "and whoever's phone is connected to the bluetooth has a horrible taste in music." the now muffled audio a rock song you cannot make out the lyrics to even back at the house.

you laugh at the remark, the both of you staring into nothingness but yunho's backyard fences, yet it feels nice. safe. comfortable.

"i bet it's yeosang. he puts on the shittiest songs," you talk bad behind your friend's back, getting a giggle from san that makes it worth it.

"by the way, what did yeosang say your name was again?" he asks, turning to you with his full attention after realizing this whole time he doesn't even know your name.

"y/n," you tell him, locking eyes and ignoring the sensation in your stomach again from being this close and alone to someone who looks like that.

"y/n." you listen to him repeat your name under his breath. "you definitely look like a y/n."

the comment makes the corners of your lips turn, telling him he sounds so silly.

"it's san, right?" it's your turn to ask, sure you got it correct because yeosang's voice is loud, annoying, and hard to miss.

"yes," he confirms. "san choi, or choi san."

"choi san," you mumble, "it definitely has a beat to it."

and you're both laughing together the next, it doesn't feel real how easy being with him is. how, you were so hesitant about showing up and not being able to talk to anybody and now you're actually enjoying yourself, the state of your friends completely forgotten.

you don't usually wanna know many people but you wanna know more about san, every expressions he makes and any words he says paid attention and listened to carefully, you hope you won't scare him off just yet.

the conversation taking place after feels never-ending from him telling you about the transfer process to sharing majors and learning he specializes in math, you don't even realize you've both been standing in the cold for a while until a voice calls out to you.

"y/n!"

you look over your shoulder to find grace standing there, only half her body out the door and moving her eyes from you to san, the slight surprise when she sees you're with someone.

"there you are," she says. "i thought you had left without telling us."

you're now fully facing her with san following, watching from the side as you two carry on.

"what happened?" you ask.

she sighs before telling you it's yeosang, not to anyone's surprise.

"he's stupid drunk already and picking fights," she adds, getting second embarrassment again just thinking about how mad her boyfriend had got when he found out wooyoung had gotten yunho the same gift.

it wasn't anyone's fault; yeosang just loses half his braincells when he's under the influence.

you shake your head unamused and swipe san a glare, apologizing and telling him you have to go.

"wait," san stops you before you could completely leave him standing alone in the cold. "your pen. can i still give it back to you?"

you're standing there almost starstrucked-like and nodding your head, stuttering at the fact he wants to see you again.

"y-yes."

"perfect." he smiles. "how about the cafe again? we're both familiar with the place."

"that'll work," you say. "this monday?"

"this monday."

"cool. i'll see you then, san."

"what? no way!" grace yells, after you finish telling her about san and how crazy the coincidence is.

"yeah... i didn't really think i'd see him again," you say softly while settling down on the edge of your bed with grace across in hers, your heart doing a turn just thinking about the exchange between you and san again.

"you're blushing," grace snaps you out, meeting her gaze and batting your lashes.

"what? i'm not," you deny, adjusting yourself in the seat like that's gonna make her less suspicious.

"no. you are." she giggles. "you like him."

the bold statement makes your eyes go wide, shaking your head and denying the accusation on the spot because you can't possibly like someone you just met.

"i don't even know the guy," you tell her, trying to convince her as much as you are to yourself, hoping she won't catch how tense you're sounding at just the mere topic of this guy.

"so?" she shrugs, leaning back with her hands to the sheet. "you can't know a person within one night. finding out about the person is all part of the journey to eventually, a relationship."

you just learned the guy's name and now she's already bringing up the possibility of a relationship.

"believe me, y/n." she sits back up, intensely locking eyes with you and voice stern as if schooling a child. "the almost 3 years i've known you, i've never seen you look at anyone like that."

"you're being dramatic," you say, but the girl is still persistent, repeating herself and assuring you san is special.

"you're meeting him monday, right?"

"yes." you nod, a part of you still nervous but also excited to be seeing him again.

"tell me how it goes!"

when monday rolls around, you don't wanna think grace is right, but from how your heart is pitter pattering in your chest and you even glanced an extra time at the mirror before coming, you're afraid she just might be.

you don't have class till noon, and though he didn't specify the time, you just assumed it was around the same as last time, making yourself comfortable and occupied by scrolling through your social feeds.

the opening of the cafe door is missed and you don't fully comprehend he's here until a small 'hi' pulls you from the screen, looking up as he smiles down at you and you're reminded of why it's so hard to look away from this man.

"hey," you greet as calm as your nerves allows you to.

he takes the seat across and settles his backpack the same as he did before, the smile on him never having left his face the entire time.

"no drinks or what?" he says, the slightly teasing tone lightening up the atmosphere.

"i wanted to wait till you get here," you tell him. "i thought it would be rude if i ordered ahead of time."

he chuckles and shakes his head.

"no worries. i would've understand, but i appreciate the consideration." there's a split second of silence before he continues, "tell me what you want, i can go order."

you hum and think as if you don't get the same thing everytime; san jumping in when you can't seem to make a choice.

"strawberry peach, right?" he asks, an eyebrow raised.

"strawberry peach," you confirm, reaching for your bag to give him the change. "here's--"

but he kindly interrupts you, waving it off and assuring he got it

"are you sure?" you ask, a kind of worry in your voice because you feel slightly bad he has to pay for your $3 drink.

"of course. i'll be back."

and he goes off with a smile; you catching the dimple poking out of his cheek before he left and you think it just might be your favorite thing about him... not that you're keeping track of others.

you thank him quietly when he returns, mind suddenly empty when it comes to topic although you two were just talking a few days ago like you were never gonna run out of things to talk about--then you remember.

"right... so my pen," you bring up, hoping it's not too straightforward but you really wanted to say something.

his face lights up, the realization hitting him as well.

"oh, right right. give me a sec," he says, pulling his backpack and digging through it before pulling out the sketch pen yeosang got you almost two christmas ago. "your pen."

he hands it to you and you accept it with the sincerest 'thank you' you could let out, playing with it in your hand because you did think the old thing was lost for good.

"don't forget it this time," he teases; your head picking up to let out a snicker.

"i won't."

he nods, staring at the pen you've still yet to put away and thinking back to what you were doing the last time you were here.

"you're an artist?" he asks, the question casting your eyes with a twinge of shyness at such wording.

you've never considered yourself an artist. if you did, you think it'd be an insult to actual artists.

"i draw and major in arts but i'm not an artist," you tell him with a shake of your head and a dry snicker this time.

"then you're an artist," he says, shrugging with the most nonchalant expression painting him.

you chuckle, continuing to deny such bold claim.

"just because someone cooks that also doesn't make them a chef."

"that's fair," he agrees, thinking the logic makes total sense. "but i'm sure your arts are amazing."

here's to sitting with probably the cutest guy you've ever met, and he's telling you you're amazing at the one thing you're passionate about and you're not sure how to feel about that.

"you haven't even seen my work," you say, the mischievous tone in this back and forth feeling more like a banter at this point.

"no. but i saw a glimpse," he defends, really set on the fact he thinks you are totally good at what you do even if you are correct about him not having seen the whole thing, "and i'm sure the actual work is amazing."

you reframe from rolling your eyes and bite at your lips instead so the smile doesn't slip, moving the discussion along because you're more interested about him than your unsatisfactory artist journey.

"so what do you do with you know... math?" you ask, trying to not sound ignorant on the topic but that's exactly how it came off.

thankfully, he finds it cute and laughs it off.

"i went into it because the people around me said i was good at it," he says, a bit unfazed and dull. "that's pretty much it, i guess." and ending it with a smile when he catches your gaze again.

"but do you enjoy it?"

there's a quick silence and san tilts his head slightly, quirking his lips to the side before answering.

"it's not bad. if anything, it's been easy, so i'm glad for that at least."

you nod, smiling in return.

"that's good. only one more year and we'll be done."

"yeah," he says, letting out a loose chuckle after. "i can't wait. there's something i want to do after, but for now, we'll have to see what happens."

and you wanna ask him more about it; what is it that he wants to do after and just more about him in general, but you have taken notice of the clock sitting behind him and the fact you only have 20 minutes to get to campus.

you kindly thank him again for returning the pen as well as the drink, and in the midst of all turmoil and conflicted feelings because you don't know how to ask if you're gonna see him again, he's the one who fortunately suggests you guys exchange numbers.

you leave the shop with one last wave to him and his handsome smile ingrained in your head for the rest of the day.

but you're still not sure you like him just yet. not until summer.

after almost six hours, a few rest stops, and long stretches of desert roads, the heat of the much southern california is felt along with the sight of palm trees spread out everywhere.

"we've arrived, ladies," yeosang announces, finally parked into the hotel's parking lot after missing at least two turns before he found the place.

as soon as you step out, the summer air is annoying and you wish you hadn't wore long sleeves. but you like summer because it always marked the end of a semester and then the beginning of a new one--the fact you're so close to almost graduating.

you were planning to not do anything all summer, just eager for some rest and break away from the stress that came with school and your part-time job, but yeosang was quick to scrap all plans and make some of his own.

said his friends were gonna go down south and out of town for a whole week and invited him, and he wanted you and grace to come along since it would be the last summer break you all would share before graduating.

you told him you would come as long as he would be driving and he didn't have any problems. he thinks you and grace are terrible drivers though you would say otherwise.

"and who are these friends of yours again?" you ask, taking your luggage out of the trunk and staring up into the hotel you guys would be staying at, amazed at the amount of floors the building holds.

"you know," yeosang replies, shutting the trunk after he's made sure nothing's left behind, "yunho, wooyoung, and some others at the party."

you hum at the vagueness of the answer, following both your friends to the hotel's lobby that has a mix of modernness but also slight tropical and beach vibes, the color scheme a combination of white, woodsy brown, and green.

after being given your room keys, you don't wanna do anything but lay down and rest for a bit though yeosang should be more tired than you, he still has enough energy to roam the rest of the hotel when grace asked.

your room is a single queen bed and has almost the perfect view to beach if not for the huge palm tree that happens to sit in front.

yeosang and grace had initially wanted just one room together to save on cost but you didn't wanna be that person, and especially the third wheel to everything, so you cut your losses.

it's gonna be hefty on your wallet but it's only for a week, and plus, you get your own privacy and space away from the eyes of your friends.

the late preparations and long drive left almost no free time, so instead, the night is spent on the rooftop restaurant of the hotel where grace wanted to eat at, and after finishing your meal, you excuse yourself to go shower and sleep first because you want to wake up early for breakfast.

you wind up in the dining room alone at 7:30 in the morning because both your friends moaned and groaned about it being too early.

your breakfast consists of two pancakes, scrambled eggs, a banana, and a cup of coffee; choosing to settle on a table in the far corner.

you watch the many guests go in and out of the dining room, also keeping yourself occupied with your phone while eating hoping to finish fast enough so you'll be able to go back upstairs to do your makeups and pick out an outfit since your friends want to go sightseeing later.

and you were doing pretty good keeping your eyes to the entrance of the dining room, but you must've missed their arrival, because as you go to shove a piece of pancake down your throat, the slight tap on your shoulder makes your head turn.

"san..." you say his name so naturally, it just instinctly rolling off your tongue.

you haven't seen him in a while, but now he's standing in front of you although you're almost 6 hours away from home.

"hey, y/n," he greets, the smile you also haven't seen in a while making all of that strange sensation come back as he takes the seat across from you.

"hey," you say, your shock now morphing into actual joy at the fact he's here. "what are you doing here?"

"wooyoung invited me," he answers, nodding off in a direction that your eyes shoot to, seeing wooyoung, yunho, and a couple others from the party just as yeosang said, huddled around an area of the room you can't believe you missed.

"oh," you mumble, as if all of this should've been expected and it's no surprise san is here too.

"and where are your friends? what are they doing to be leaving you alone like this?" his voice a mix of teasing but also concern, it's hard to tell which one is louder.

but you laugh, telling him your friends stayed up way too late last night and didn't wanna get up this early.

"i see." he nods. "well, good thing i found you." he smiles again, every single time making your heart strangely tight.

you didn't see san much after the cafe meeting, or at all. the both of you busy with either school, work, or other responsibilities, most of the interactions were limited to texting, and even then, it was hardly a daily occurence.

though you guys did exchange instagrams and he poked fun of you because your profile picture was a digital painting you did of yourself and you had 3 posts only--all of them also of art works, he at least complimented you.

said you have an amazing gift and all that even if you're still trying to believe it yourself, you appreciate the kindness.

"yeah," you say. "kind of crazy we were going on the same trip and didn't even know it."

the realization makes the both of you giggle in sync, the conversation and atmosphere so easy flowing, it's hard to believe you haven't talked to him face to face for a few months now.

"but again, we were kind of occupied with our own thing and all that," he tries reasoning. "but i'm glad you're here. it will be fun, you know. wooyoung they're all a little loud but i'm sure you got a friend to match the energy."

you nod, a smile on your lips almost the whole time and your food going cold because san just said he's glad you're here.

"oh for sure. we will fit just right in with yeosang."

it was a night where you and san texted for much longer than usual when he told you how him and wooyoung became friends. the boy younger than him by a few months but so much more extroverted and chaotic in every other way.

nonetheless, he said wooyoung is a great friend to have and he's grateful for the wonderful people he's met through him.

you were mostly focus on the initial surprise and shock of seeing san here, you didn't even realize he's sat down with you the entire time before he's even got anything to eat.

"you should probably go grab something," you tell him, your tone sweet and concern even if you've yet to really become close to this man.

he briefly checks over his shoulder to find his friends still occupied and not seated, shaking his head.

"i'll wait for them. besides, if i go, i'm afraid you're gonna try to run away."

you can't help the squint that takes over one of your eyebrows, the line between teasing, being friendly, and flirting blurring into one and you feel you're giving yourself too much credits for even thinking of the possibility of the last one.

but before you can say anything, a rather familiar and nice-sounding voice beats you to it.

"hey, y/n!"

it's yunho, face and body language as kind and welcoming as ever, and with his girlfriend wrapped around his arm who you've also learned from san, prefers her korean name, jiwon, over her american given one.

"hey!" you try to be enthusiatic as much as you allowed yourself to without the help of yeosang. this is usually his field of expertise.

they ask about your friends whereabouts the same as san, and you give the same response as they hum and nod in understanding.

"well it's perfect we ran into you here then," yunho beams. "we're thinking of hitting the pool this evening, you guys care to join?"

you're probably the worst person to ask out of your group, swimming not really being your thing and all, but you give yunho your words that you'll ask yeosang and grace first, guaranteeing the fact the two are gonna say yes.

they eventually excuse themselves and bid you goodbye, the process catching some of the other guys attention as they take notice to you and give out small waves before disppearing to get breakfast.

"awesome. i guess i'll see you then."

san snaps you back, meeting his gaze and throwing a smile that could melt you on the spot.

"we'll see," you mumble.

"i should probably leave you to finish your food then. you leaving soon?" he looks down at your plate and you follow, feeling almost embarrassed at the mess that you've only half ate.

"yeah. i think i'm good for breakfast." you chuckle lightly.

he pretends to pout, quirking one side of his lips.

"aww i'm sorry for distracting you. yeah i really should get going."

"oh no you're good. i'll just be on my way."

"alright. i'll see you later?"

"yeah, i'll see you later."

and with that, after watching him walk away as he bids one last farewell, you clear your table and head back upstairs; the encounter heavy on your mind as you start rummaging your luggage for an outfit.

"no no. you don't understand. you need the perfect swimsuit!"

grace's voice ring throughout the tiny store at the beachfront and you're regretting telling her san's gonna be there at all. because now, she's dead set on impressing san and making sure you wow him tonight.

currently, she's trying to convince you to give in to a black two piece that has the bottom hiked so high up your waist with barely any coverage for the buttocks, you think your father would disown you if he sees you in it.

yeosang distracts himself by the glass and hat sections, leaving you girls to talk amongst yourselves, though he doesn't shy away from passing snide remarks because he knows you even better than grace and that you're shopping way out of your comfort zone.

"girl, i'm looking for clothes to swim in, not to seduce him," you say annoyingly when she won't give up.

"you don't know that!" she squeaks, giving the two piece another once over. "you're gonna look totally hot in it!"

"then buy it for yourself." you cross your arms, narrowing your eyes at her. "i'm not wearing that in front of like what? 8 or something guys."

she frowns before dropping a loud, "fine!" placing the piece back on its rack and turning to you to mimick your posture. "you are such a pick me."

the comment makes you scoff, rolling your eyes at your best friend's antics.

"excuse you. just because i'm a lot more reserved and hesitant doesn't mean i want to be different or whatever society wants to paint us more shy girlies."

"yeah yeah," she brushes you off, waving in the air. the topic one you two already had one too many times. "but i won't need it for myself because i already brought a cute swimsuit from home."

"well that's great. then maybe we can just head back to the hotel," you say, delivery a type of sarcastic to play along but she clearly isnt very amused, pouting and scoffing at you the entire walk back.

"i don't wanna be the only one in a swimsuit!" she yells at you in the comfort of your hotel room, having came down a few minutes ago because she wanted to know what you're gonna wear.

but you dismiss and excuse her complaints with a roll of your eyes. "you'll be fine, grace. and even if, more power and attention to you."

little did you know you'd end up being the odd one out, finally showing up to the pool with your friends and seeing everyone in appropriate attire while you're out with a pair of gym shorts and a black t-shirt, having told your friends you're probably not gonna swim.

"hey guys!"

the voice just now belonging to hongjoong, who you recognize and remember the few occasions you happened to see him with yeosang. he's a year older and already graduated but is definitely the backbone of the group, yeosang said.

everyone already there greets all three of you, friendly smiles and welcoming body languages, the amount of people is quite overwhelming but you try your best to hide it, returning the gestures with a smile of your own.

some's sprawled on the lounge chairs, some already in the pool, and some sitting idly in the hot tub.

but you don't see him anywhere.

you didn't come for him in particular (if you did, you would've bought the two piece your friend so hard tried pushing). you came for your friend and the kindness of his other friend group, but your eyes do naturally search for him and you notice his absence immediately.

but you don't wanna ask. it just doesn't feel right to.

"well don't just stand there! get your butts in the pool!" wooyoung splashes the three of you as you flinch and instinctly try to protect the sketchbook you broughtly along in case your friends get pulled away by their extroverted activities and you don't have anything better to do.

"jung wooyoung! i'm gonna get you for that!" yeosang shouts, the boy's teasing doing exactly what he wanted as your friend jumps in the pool and chases after a giggly wooyoung.

grace chuckles beside you, pulling you by the wrist. "come on, let's go." but you're quick to stop and tell her you're gonna sit for a bit first.

she sighs but lets it go, threatening to get you wet and soak the sketchbook if you don't get in after a while.

you watch your friends and even if you're not the one having all the fun, the fact they look like they are makes you happy enough, shaking your head and giggling when you see grace and yeosang attempt to do a breath-holding contest or tries submerging the other's head into the water.

you made sure to choose the chair furthest from the pool because you don't want yeosang pulling anything funny.

a couple doodles and swimming competition between wooyoung and yeosang for the 4th time, the sudden voice in your ear makes the hair on your skin raise, flinching slightly to turn and meet his gaze.

he goes from expressionless to a smile that you almost want to poke his dimples for having the guts to show up this close.

and when he pulls away, asking what you're doing, you barely register his words because you're too busy trying to not drool over this man being shirtless and looking like the best art you've ever seen, making anything you've ever created pale in comparison.

but fortunately (or unfortunately), you don't get to dissect him for too long because you're more curious who the lady standing beside him is and why you haven't seen her before.

she's in a ruffle yellow swimsuit with sunglasses and a sunhat that goes perfectly with whatever aesthetic she was going for. and you think she looks like what grace probably had in vision for you when she wanted you to wow san.

"san! ashley! get over here!" you all snap to the call of hongjoong as he waves in the air from the pool, the water stopping at his armpit.

ashley.

"you coming with us?" san asks, his tone welcoming and inviting, but you're gonna sit this one out.

"i'm good," you answer with a small smile, and he quirks his lips to the side at that, dropping his shoulders at the answer before nodding.

"alright," he says. "but you can always join us whenever. if not, i hope you'll have fun," he refers to the sketchbook in your hands and you feel it sinking deep into your chest, a bit embarrassed by the fact but he just laughs it off.

"i'll see you," he bids, making his way to the others and guiding the new girl (to you) by the small of her back.

and you really try to focus on the sketch, your inspirations drawn from people, places, and things around you. the current sunset absolutely beautiful in its orange hue, but you can't miss the laughters and fun san is sharing with the new girl, and you don't miss how the more you're with this man, the more a type of longing blossoms.

how, everytime he's in sight, your eyes just naturally follows him. settles on him. like you just wanna look at him all day.

you shake the thoughts off, which becomes quite easy once yeosang and grace along with a couple others decides they're done for good, and seonghwa, the oldest of you all, suggests to end the night by sharing dinner together.

it's on him and hongjoong, he said.

the rooftop restaurant feels different this time in the company of others. you stick close to your friends and observe everyone else like a lost little puppy when you have nothing better to do.

it's loud and chaotic and you're struggling to keep up with everyone and everything, but you manage to catch the smile of san when grace starts going off about something embarrassing you did in freshmen year as revenge for not getting in the pool.

you shout and defend your name and dignity but it doesn't help much with yeosang jumping in, leading to a long night of teasing and bullying from your friends in the face of everyone as they laugh at the 'endearing' friendships you guys share.

and by the end of the night, you almost forgot about san or the fact you guys barely interacted. not until you're fresh out the shower and recovering your social battery that you get the first text from him in a while.

san: it's true the story your friend told?

you can't even help the chuckle that escapes, catching yourself and going on to reply.

y/n: 😭 i hate grace lmfao

san: it's okay😅 we all just casually poop our pants in the middle of the night

y/n: 🙄

san: kidding 😁

san: hey. i was thinking if you'd like to get breakfast together tomorrow?

san: im sorry we didn't get to talk a lot today. you looked so uncomfortable during dinner 😅

the comment flusters you, thinking about the fact san was watching and saw how out of place you really looked.

y/n: just not used to big crowds lol

san: i can see that

san: but it's okay. it'll just be us tmr 🙂

y/n: won't your friends be there?

san: nope. they dont like the food lol

san: how about urs? will they be coming?

y/n: most likely not. those two don't wake until almost noon

san: perfect lol. i'll see you then?

y/n: maybee 😀

and he probably didn't push too hard because it's almost like he knew you're gonna be there; waking up before it's even 7 and sitting at the same table from before, watching guests go in and out of the room hoping to catch the boy that sent you the text last night.

his face lights up the same as you when he enters, waving in the air and heading your direction, you really shouldn't feel so nervous but excited at the sight of him walking.

"hey!" he greets cheerfully, sliding into the seat across with a smile.

"good morning," you return, hands curled in your lap and happy he can't see them because you wonder what he'd think.

"how you'd sleep?" he ask the same time he combs over his morning hair, never in your life has someone looked so good doing so, you didn't even think it was possible.

"good," you manage to answer with composure. "and you?"

"alright." he shrugs. "wooyoung was just mostly drunk and annoying from last night's dinner."

a small giggle also laced with empathy escapes from you. "well i'm sorry to hear. i hope today will be better."

he nods. "hopefully." then realizing you haven't even gotten your food, talking in a concerned tone, "don't tell me you were waiting for me."

"i was," you say. "don't worry about it. i'm not that hungry. the dinner last night kept me filled plenty."

"if you say so..." he lingers a bit before continuing, "should we go now?"

"sure."

you also get close to the same thing you got last time, with the exception that they've switched out pancakes for waffles, getting a question from san after sitting down about your food choices.

"well, i really only eat korean foods," you tell him. "i'm not too fond of anything else besides what's on my plate right now."

"ahh. so you're a picky eater?"

"somewhat. that's why yeosang hates going out to eat with me."

san lets out a quiet snicker, something more mischievous bubbling in his eyes that you don't read into.

"you talk about yeosang a lot... does yours and his relationship ever bothers your other friend?" he asks, the question stopping you from sipping your coffee.

the friendly and harmless tone still in the air but you can't hide the fact the question flusters you a little.

"well, me and yeosang have known each other for a while... even before grace, so she understands that we don't see each other like that at all."

san quirks his lips and nods, taking your words for it.

"why?" you speak again. "do we give out that kind of vibe?" you ask worriedly, because you would never want to unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt grace in any ways. on your life you have never seen yeosang for more than the annoying middle schooler you couldn't get rid of.

but as san shakes his head, you feel a sense of relief, watching as a light smirk creep up on his face.

"just wondering," he says, so calmly but eerie at the same time, you can't quite grasp the intention. but then something else comes over, and you forget all about deciphering san's answer; not really wanting to but letting the intrusive thoughts win.

"and that girl you were with yesterday? you guys together?" you ask, no menance in your voice; just a natural curioisity because you wanna know... not for any reasons deeper.

"she's a friend," he answers fast and casual. "i know her from my previous school because we were under the same program and have similar interests and whatnot."

"i see," you mumble, a light smile anyone would've missed because you don't wanna admit to anyone why the fact brings you a sense of comfort.

but it doesn't cut it with grace.

"that's what they always say!" she cries dramatically, after storming into your room when she was finally done sleeping past noon and the events of yesterday hit her.

but you don't have any reasons to doubt san, even if you love your best friend and wanna take her words for it, you don't think it's fair to assume someone you barely know is trying to take your man that isn't really your man.

"for all you know, they could be fucking behind doors."

"grace!" you yell your friend's name at such accusation, your ears turning red at even the thought of it.

"sorry," she mutters, but barely meaning it, only shrugging off what needed to be said.

"i just don't want you to be hurt in the end," she says, voice a kind of sympathy you didn't even know you need.

because yes, you think san is handsome. he is kind and unusually attentive to you for whatever reasons, and seeing someone else by his side made your stomach queasy all for the wrong reasons... but you don't feel justified in feeling a certain way just because your friend says you should.

you're not with him and you still don't even know if you wanna be with him.

“trust me, grace,” you assure her, a confident smile settling on your lips that she only frowns to. “i’ll be fine.”

and as much as she wants to believe it, it’s hard not to doubt knowing the way you are.

how, though you’ve navigated through life barely getting romantically involved with boys, it wouldn’t be difficult for someone like san to get you wrapped around his fingers if he wants to.

the guy way too charming; how he just casually checks all criteria from looks to personality, the girl herself rooting for you and him initially, but quickly rethinking the choice after last night.

yet, you don't let what your friend says get to you. or at least you try not to, but it's loud and it bothers you through the day... if someone as likeable as san would be able to hurt you.

if he could lie and deceive you and not even feel bad about it.

but when he pops by your side at night; yours and his friend group having the want to go clubbing, and he stays with you almost entirely, neglecting the girl grace said you should be worried about, you can't even remember why you doubted him in the first place.

not when he'd ask questions about you all night long as if he really wants to know you, so interested in the arts and work you do and accompanying you when everyone else is busy enjoying themselves.

and especially when he'd get breakfast with you every morning until the trip is over, a part of you glad but another saddened by the fact because you know you won't get to see him everyday anymore.

you'll have to go back to the old routine of working and assignments, no more butterflies or feelings of tightness in your chest and stomach, uncertain when you're gonna even get to see or talk to him again.

but one thing you know for sure, is that by the end of summer, you're positive you like choi san.

you're positive you like san, because every time your phone rings with a notification, you can't help but wish it's him--replying to a meme you've sent a few hours ago, or asking how your day has been.

that when grace commented on how your art style has changed, as if they've been pulled and inspired by someone or something, she wasn't just trying to tease you.

grace also being the same person to explain the feelings in your chest and stomach, and why your breath is taken away each time whenever you see him.

even if she was skeptical a few months ago and yelling in your face he's gonna hurt you, seeing the way he is around you has calmed her mind to some extent.

the way he actually treats you with interests and and respect, listening and nodding when you talk and asking you about everything, managing to convince your friend somewhat he might take a liking to you and that you won't come out of this wounded.

he's even become closer with yeosang; the craziness of just how different but also alike these two are, able to carry a conversation on for hours and making grace and you feel forgotten.

"so you guys are coming, right?" san asks the three of you in a corner of the library, quick to associate the spot with you and your friends after asking about your whereabouts one day.

"uh--"

"of course!" yeosang beats you to it, both you and grace narrowing your eyes at the boy in the middle. "we wouldn't wanna miss it."

grace sneers and throws yeosang another look.

"right, because the other two parties where you made a clown show of yourself wasn't enough." she shakes her head and lowers it back to her notebook, mumbling under her breath, "i'm not babysitting."

yeosang pouts immediately, putting on an act and a voice to go with it that makes you wanna throw a punch his way.

"babe, please..."

"no."

"it'd be the last college party before we graduate."

"no."

then he turns to you and hopes you'll take pity.

"y/n?"

you fume under your nose and follow grace as you start scribbling so he gets the hint, because you also don't wanna go to this party. even if wooyoung's the one throwing it and you're all gonna be graduating soon.

you'd rather just end your college career in peace.

"san's going so you're already automatically going anyway," yeosang says, losing his patience and throwing you under the bus to be petty, receiving a kick to his ankle from under the table in return.

"you really should think about coming," san brings it up one more time on the walk to your next class, after leaving the lovebirds in the library to talk it out between them.

you come to a stop when you've both reached the building, standing before him with your textbook curled in your arms and quirking your lips to the side.

"i'll think about it, but if grace don't wanna come, yeosang probably won't."

"why not come by yourself?" he suggests, like it's the easiest thing in the world. but he knows you well at this point, adding, "i know it's probably scary going without your friends, but trust me, you won't be alone. i'll be there so you won't ever have to worry about it." he smiles.

and his words. his body language. his smile. they all come off so sincere and genuine, you just wanna believe him and everything he says.

that he won't ever hurt you. make you feel inadequate and question everything about yourself, because liking someone isn't supposed to feel painful and it isn't supposed to make your heart ache.

but when you show up to the party without your friends, the people you recognize doesn't do anything to ease your anxiety, especially when the number pales in comparison to people you don't recognize.

and by now, you're more than sure you like san because despite his efforts to make you feel welcomed and comfortable amongst the sea of strangers he knows scares you, it doesn't matter when the girl beside him makes you feel uneasy all night.

when butterflies and a beating heart are replaced by the wish to run, liking someone is no longer fun.

"what! you are such a liar!" ashley squeaks with a giggle, pushing san's shoulder lightly in a friendly banter. the kind that makes you feel like you're intruding and disrupting something confidential by following san all night like a lost puppy.

"no! i'm forreal," san defends himself from the girl's teasing, his cheeks flushing pink even in the bad kitchen lighting.

"you were messing with her!"

he chuckles and you're wondering why you're still even here--or how the conversation of san and another girl not you or ashley even started.

"i promise, we were just friends," he says.

ashley shakes her head, smirking the same time she drinks from the cup in her hand, and when she looks san in the eye, she isn't just the girl san's friend with anymore.

because if grace were to yell in your face again about this girl and all the reasons you should be worried, you would agree with her.

even if you still don't feel justified... you like san now, and you can't help but think she's a threat.

"cute, isn't he?" she turns to you, her gaze burning and making you feel small on the spot. her confidence something she walks with proudly and with an aura you hate yourself for even admiring, "but unfortunately a hard one to tie down."

her words and tone cryptic, you can only blink as you try to digest what she said just now and if it was meant to be a dig at you.

you clear your throat, not feeling any bigger with the volume but excusing yourself either way to use the restroom.

just sit in there and think of any excuses in order to get out of here, regretting not staying with yeosang and grace to watch alice in borderland for the 5th time while eating wingstop.

because if you did, you wouldn't be feeling this way. out of place and with the boy you like slipping right by the palm of your hand.

your phone buzzing in your lap takes the moment away, looking down to see the one person you wanna hear from, even if he's also responsible for the doubts in your head.

san: hey. you good?

san: im outside the bathroom. i don't wanna knock though bc im scared it might not be you in there lol

you don't respond, instead going to open the door even if you should be contemplating about a valid reason to go home, chest and face nearly knocking into him, you can only gulp.

"hey." he smiles.

"hey," you mumble, wondering if he can even hear especially with the amount of bodies littering the hallway, but he does judging by the reaction.

"you okay?" he asks, voice concerned the way it always is.

"yeah..." you answer, your stance so awkward. "just needed some space." you try laughing it off, to which he returns one much to your relief.

"i see. well, should we go somewhere quieter? with less people?"

"actually..." your volume simmers, afraid he's gonna take it the wrong way. "i was thinking of going home."

he stares at you a second too long before responding with a simple "oh." the wheels going off in his head until an idea comes over. "that's fine. i can take you home."

"no, you're good. yeosang said he'd pick me up when i'm ready."

"no, let me. i want to. plus, i invited you so it's only fair."

and you weren't gonna argue with him; not when he was already pulling out his keys and telling you to follow him out the house and into his car.

"aren't you a little drunk?" you tease, after watching him pull at the seatbelt.

"a little." he smirks, turning to you. "but i'm good for the most part. i didn't drink that much."

right. because he was mostly engaged and immersed in conversations and banters that you weren't a part of, with the girl you're still wondering what happened to.

"where did your friend go?" you ask, as casually as possible.

"ashley? she got pulled away by some pool table game wooyoung they wanted to play."

you just nod, though the many unanswered questions about this friend bothers you, moving to look ahead and admire the size of wooyoung's house the same time san starts the engine. and that's when you realize, this might be the first time you and san are actually alone.

without hotel guests, nosy friends, partygoers, or people that frequents the cafe, but more importantly--without being behind the screens of your phones.

"the university's dorms, correct?"

"correct."

as he drives you back to the place, he can't stop asking questions.

"how'd you like it there?"

"pretty good. i have all i need, and the best part is i get to room with grace, so."

he sends a small smile your way in midst of driving, and you think he looks so attractive doing so. his hands on the wheel and his relaxed stance as he listens attentively like the boyfriend you never had.

"that's great," he says, coming to a stop at a red light, looking your way immediately. "that's a nice outfit by the way. i can't believe i didn't tell you earlier."

and you really wanna blush and grow shy at the fact he pays you this much attention, but you really just giggle instead.

"well thanks. you look pretty great yourself."

he steps on the gas at the green and scoffs but the corner of his lips pulling into a small smile.

"you're just saying that to say it."

you wanna tell him he don't even know how much you mean it. how unbelievable it is-- the fact he just walks around looking like that all the time.

but you chuckle it off and you're sure he's just playing with you, the drive weaving through the fall weather and city lights as an air of fresh and relief come over, you can't believe you were so apprehensive not even 40 minutes ago back at wooyoung's party.

"here we are," he says, pulling into the dorm's parking lot you had to help him find.

"thanks," you tell him. "i appreciate it."

"no problem," he replies, a silence lingering after and an expression on his face that something's clearly bothering him. "hey..."

"yeah?"

"i'm sorry about tonight... if anything made you uncomfortable."

you only smile, though the reminder makes your heart heavy with today's events, you're happy he noticed and care.

it seems to just be how he is; eyes and ears always attentive and sometimes a little too curious.

"it's okay," you assure. because even if you are upset, it doesn't feel like you have the rights to. as if you're just making all of this up in your head to ruin the night. "i think it was mostly because yeosang and grace wasn't there," you lie.

"i understand. would've been a lot better if they had made it."

"yeah, but it's okay. you going back after dropping me off?"

he nods. "i have to, unfortunately. wooyoung would want me to."

you hum lowly in acknowledgment, your legs closed together and your throat tight all of a sudden.

"well i hope you'll have fun the rest of the night. i'm sorry i couldn't stay longer."

"i'll try to," he says, a quiet giggle leaving. "won't be the same without you but probably should've picked a better place, you know."

"it's all good," you say with a smile, head whipping around to the darkly lit dorm building and its entrance. "i should probably get going."

"should i walk with you?"

you look at him while unbuckling your seatbelt, shaking your head. "i got it. i'd rather you get back to your friends."

he opens his mouth to say something but quickly takes it back, trying again.

"hey," he says so softly, you can almost melt into the look in his eyes, staring at you with blinking lashes.

"yeah?"

"so i thought this was really nice, you know... the car ride and all." he stops for a second to find his words. "i was wondering if you'd like to do it again? i think the cafe's nice, but this is a good change of scenery."

and you wonder if san can hear the beating of your heart especially in the quiet of his car, but you quickly pick yourself up to answer, "i'd love to do this again." you smile, and san returns one.

"perfect. i'll text you."

"i look forward."

which is why even if you didn't have the greatest of time; most of the night spent in self-doubts and regrets, you also don't beat yourself up for what he could be doing after he dropped you off.

what he's doing at the party or who he's having fun with, because afterall, he asked you out.

said it with a sweet look in his eyes and a tone to match, you'd rather look forward to what went right than what didn't; sleeping under your sheet in the dark of the night, sacrificing any uncertainty for restful sleep.

"these fries are way too salty."

you listen to san complains, his posture relaxed but face scowling at the fast food he just shoved down his throat a few seconds ago.

a laugh bubbles out of you and you shake your head, munching on the fries you protested on getting, but san way too stubborn to convince otherwise.

"you're right. maybe we should've gotten burgers," he says, looking at you and placing the food back in the bag. "never again."

"maybe," you mutter with a quiet giggle.

san had texted you exactly two days after the party, the reminder cracking the biggest smile on your face that grace took notice to and immediately wanted to know the cause of.

"it's totally a date!" your friend says, squealing after you tell her of why you wanna blush just now.

"it's not a date."

she sighs and rolls her eyes, prying your phone right from your hand that gets you up from the bed to fight her.

"he even put a smiling emoji. what else would that mean!?" she continues squeaking and dodging your attempts, until you manage to snatch it back.

"i think he's just being nice."

he picked you up, asked for suggestions on what to eat (and didn't listen), and paid for everything before pulling into the parking lot of a store opened 24 hours.

"so..." he starts speaking, hands cleared of salt from the fries and now looking at you through his car's lighting. "excited to graduate soon?"

you nod. "of course. and you?"

"for sure," he answers, attention pulled away to the front merely before meeting your eyes again. "any plans yet?"

"not much luck. kind of figure i'll think about that after," you answer with a dry chuckle. your bleak future not something to laugh about, but it's a way of coping. "you?"

and you asked out of pure curiosity and interest, but at the way his face falls, you would've thought you insulted him. watching his eyes go dark and almost nervous, the atmosphere shifting when he just sits in silence for too long.

"sorry," you mumble apologetically, bringing light to his eyes once more when he just shakes his head.

"no, you're good. i'm sorry. i was just thinking."

"it's okay," you assure, "if it's still something you're thinking of."

"yeah." he smiles, the act almost forced, but you try to not linger on the thought. why he tends to shut down when you ask too many questions and want to know too much... the same he does to you.

"hey," he attempts to revive the atmosphere he was responsible for killing. "can i ask you something?"

you tilt your head slightly at that, placing the empty bag of fries back where it came from and nodding in response.

"we talked about this briefly, but i really wanna know how you felt about the party. you didn't look like you enjoyed it at all." and it wasn't because yeosang nor grace were there.

you swallow, unprepared for the topic to make it back around, but answering with honesty to the best of your ability; just slightly leaving out what really shattered your confidence that night.

"it's just hard for me in general to really enjoy myself in that kind of setting." though you tried and was having some fun, until you weren't.

"i understand, and i appreciate you for trying. i just still feel bad for pulling you along when it was clearly out of your comfort zone, so i have to make sure."

it's the way he speaks and acts, always asking about you and caring about your wellbeing more than he should--that makes it hard to want to be upset when he doesn't want you to do the same in return.

when he closes himself off, always with the invisible barrier you shouldn't cross because he doesn't wanna tell you more than what you should know.

"it's just more so i also didn't really know anyone there. everyone else were occupied, and you were uh... talking to your friend," you say, mumbling the last part because you think you might be pushing it, but san doesn't seem fazed. he just shifts in his spot.

"yeah," he answers coolly, "hard to get her to stop talking once she starts." a light smile curls up at his lips and you try to not let it bother you.

but it's like he can read your thoughts; knows exactly the concerns running through your head and the apprehension overtaking your face when he spits the next sentence, "there's nothing going on between us, if that's what you're wondering. when i said she's a friend, i mean it."

and you don't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed he knows you a little too well.

"though she did like me at one point, that's the past," he adds, searching you for any signs of a reaction, and he gets one he also knows too well.

when your lips goes into a pout and your eyes swell with a type of curioisity in them, eager to poke your nose where it doesn't belong.

"and did you... like her back?" you ask timidly, knowing it isn't your ground but unable to help it.

san's snicker leaves you in confusion, and even more when he just shrugs.

"we're better off as friends. that's what matters."

the answer doesn't lessen the knot in your stomach nor does it bring you any form of relief, even if san doesn't particularly owe you any.

"what's with the face?" his voice snaps you out of your thought and to puppy eyes and blinking lashes staring right back almost mocking you as if he knows exactly what's making you so upset right now.

"nothing," you say, faking a smile. "just thinking."

but there's a shift in atmosphere again, whether you and san wanna acknowledge it or not. something tense that makes you a little on edge, but in a way different from before--the food and drinks and being parked in a public space forgotten at this point.

"have you ever been in a relationship before?" he asks abruptly, the question making you swallow the tension as you try your best to keep the composure.

"i've been in one," you answer, not disappointing him when you return the question, "how about you?"

he smirks, one eyebrow raising when he simply says, "two."

"two?" you repeat, voice raising like you don't believe it. "you look like you'd have a lot more experience."

the comment makes him laugh, his body falling and head thumping against the car seat while his gaze never leaves you.

"what makes you think that?" he says, the smirk once again creeping to his lips as he stares at you in amusement, the scene and tension having switched up so fast, you don't even remember when it ever felt like this in the presence of san.

when all friendliness and formality were gone and replaced by something else that makes you wanna be bolder and get closer to him.

you shrug lightly. "guess it's the way you carry yourself." that makes it so hard to believe.

"either way, if i'm gonna get into a relationship with someone, i have to know them well first and i'd have to be sure it's something i want."

you nod in agreement, though san never particularly striked you as the type to think so much about these kind of things... but again, you feel he's also just barely letting you into a certain part of him he haven't ever.

"that's fair. i would agree," you say, only to a chuckle from him that makes you squint in confusion. "what?"

both his hands are now behind his head and he's looking so entertained for whatever reason.

"you just seem more like the kind to go out of your way to avoid any romantic interactions," he says, giggling after with dimples you can't even admire because you're more flustered by the comment.

"it's more like... i find those things hard unless i'm attracted to someone," you clarify even if you know he's right to an extent, "and it's not often i am attracted to someone, so."

and how funny that when you finally are, he's sitting right across from you with a smirk and unaware of how he's making you feel just being in the same perimeter--or so you think.

"the first guy i was with, i always found intimacy difficult... especially kissing," you add, unsure if you're stepping over the line but you and san are old enough for this.

you're sure he even enjoys it, if the mirth in his eyes and the widest smile on his face says anything.

"maybe you didn't like him that much?" he suggests, tone thrilled like it's some form of fun guessing game. "or he was probably just a sloppy kisser."

"no, like... he was good but i was the one who couldn't kiss for shit," you defend your ex's name, feeling like you have to because he wasn't a bad guy.

"i see," he mumbles, the smirk settling into a soft smile. "at least it was enjoyable for you."

"yeah," you answer, the conversation getting so much more awkward for you. "how was your first kiss like?"

"it was okay." he was anticipating such response by how fast he replied. "it was both of our first time and i did it at the time because i really thought she was the one, but funny to think about it now."

there's a quick silence after as you just stare, the next question already at the tip of your tongue.

"and did you also thought the same for your second relationship?"

he nods to it, gaze now locking yours right back and the even longer silence makes you think he's gonna kiss you. with only the two of you in the car and the moon high in the sky, it's the perfect setup.

but instead, he takes you back to the dorms after moving on and forgetting about the whole conversation and drops you off with a sweet and friendly smile.

he doesn't kiss you. not this time or any others when he could've.

even if it would've been nice if he did. if he was sure it was something he wanted, and that you were the one. but it's okay, because you've convinced yourself that being with him is enough.

happy and content he still sends good morning texts, and still wants to hang out once in a while. that he still comments under your instagram posts that happens once in a blue moon, and he still sends you stupid memes.

because you're just the slightest afraid that if you try pushing your feelings onto him, he might not wanna do any of those things anymore.

so you keep him close; even if not in the way you really want, he's still beside you. that's what matters.

"he likes you, y/n!" grace preaches while pacing back and forth.

you were just enjoying your day off and with a book in your hand when your roommate and best friend came back from a date--with the first thing on her mind somehow being you and san.

"he doesn't," you answer, annoyed at this point and already having put down the book after losing your place at least three times due to her.

"no." she pouts and plops down on her bed facing you. "i've seen the way he looks and act around you. my instinct has a 90% accuracy."

seen how san's eyes would always linger on you whenever you're in the room, and having caught the smiles that would usually decorate his lips when you do something clumsy or endearing.

going above and beyond to do and say things that if yeosang was to do and say to another girl, she'd drag him by the ear and make him sleep outside.

but the statement's only met with an eyeroll from you.

"your instinct said san and ashley were fucking and they weren't, so?"

"that was the other 10%," your friend yaps, calming one second after. "i want you to just trust me on this one. if he doesn't like you, he wouldn't do what he does for you."

but you just can't help but to grow more irritated even if it's done out of good intentions. you're already frustrated and confused and grace isn't helping.

"maybe because he's just a nice person in general," you tell her, never having witnessed san be rude and unkind to anyone ever.

your friend sighs, her shoulders dropping but still wanting to encourage and give you some form of hopes, because she knows how much you like san. how much you wish he'd ask you out.

"he might be just as scared of rejection or messing up the friendship," she says, then pauses because it's gonna be out of your comfort zone but you have to try. "why don't you ask him out?"

your eyes go wide and you cringe at even the thought of it, telling your friend she's crazy for even thinking of it.

san doesn't like you and you're sure of that.

if he did, he probably would've told you by now, and he would've kissed you all those times when he had the chance. when it was just you and him in his car, in your dorm room, and back at the restaurant.

so you didn't plan on telling him, because you didn't think you could like san even more than you already did.

like him so much to the point that keeping it in was actually painful; when it felt like the only form of relief was to tell him.

at least not until spring again.

"what are you doing?" san's voice pulls your eyes from the sketch and to his face as he stares at you amusingly, your posture incredibly funny to him since you're trying to hide what you're working on.

feet planted on the cushion of the cafe's chair and elbows on your knees with your sketchbook just below your eyes, gawking and peeking at him for the last hour or so.

"i'm making art," you tell him, a giggle bubbling out after that san shakes his head to.

spring has returned. the petals once again fallen from the cherry blossom trees with the wind carrying it away in the streets as the cold chill from winter quiets down even if you still shiver and need a sweater.

you and san are seated at the same table in the corner and he's currently watching the spring show, his eyes following lone petals when they're still attached to the root until they become nothing but scatters on the streets.

his grey hoodie and sharp features a sight to see, especially when it's next to a big glass window with a view to match, though you think san is more beautiful. more than any spring blossoms or art.

feelings of butterflies and a fast heartbeat now replaced by something else--not that you still don't get them once in a while, but everything feels more natural. comfortable.

you find yourself caring for him in ways you usually didn't before. whether he ate, slept, or is genuinely feeling okay--you wanna know and hear all about it.

when he's happy, you're happy with him. but when he's sad or dejected, you also can't help but to feel the same. the last couple of months a ride of events that really tested just how strong the bond and friendship between you and san really is; never would you have predicted you'd grow to care so much about anyone else besides yeosang and grace.

"you shouldn't really be doodling. instead, use the time wisely to really think about what you wanna submit for the exhibition," he says, arms now crossed and eyes away from the window.

"don't worry. i already got an idea," you assure, a playful smile on your lips.

among other things san has helped you with, he was the biggest advocator in you entering the student art exhibition that will be taking place shortly just after the end of the semester.

you've always felt self conscious putting your work out, always choosing and picking carefully even when it came to posting on social media. and even then, your account is privated so only those close to you could see.

art is the only thing you've ever felt truly good at, letting your creations define you more than necessarry, and you're so afraid you'll be told one day that what you do and love isn't good enough.

"i want to but i'm also really not sure," you say, in the peace of the library with san across; the distress and conflict on your face as clear as day.

"why not?" san frowns. "i've seen your work. they're good enough to go in a museum, y/n."

the compliment makes you roll your eyes the same time you let out a scoff. "you're just saying that."

he shakes his head. "i'm so forreal. you're the best artist i know."

"i'm the only artist you know."

"that's not true. i also know uh... leonardo da vinci."

you laugh at that. "but i don't have an artwork worth at least 800 million, so unfortunately i am not better."

"i really don't think the mona lisa's all that great. any of your work would blow it out of the water easy."

there's a second of silence before you start laughing again, prompting san to giggle in return, but he starts, "i'm serious. you should really do it. plus, you'll be graduating soon. i think it's a great opportunity."

"when is it again?" he ask.

"june the 18th," you say, placing your sketchbook and pen down. "you'll be there, right?"

he nods at first, a simple smile settling on him. "of course," he answers, "i'll be there. i promise."

and as the day goes on, sitting in the comfort of the cafe with san as you continue the sketch you started and he occasionally switches between sipping his coffee and the assignment on his laptop, it gets harder to ignore the even stranger feeling that encloses you almost completely.

when the blooming of flowers and trees are fresh, along with the soft, gentle breeze of spring--you think you might be in love with san.

it seemed like it was just yesterday that you were talking graduation with yeosang and grace, but not even a year later, it's become a reality with your cap and gown sitting on your bed and the graduation ceremony merely a week away.

you think, even if with barely any plans after but to move back with your father and see where life takes you, you're still excited.

excited for the next step and for what's to come.

but san on the other hand, never seems too thrilled whenever you bring it up.

you know him to be an open person, always willing to talk about anything and everything; not a single mean bone in this man, except when it comes to talking about himself.

who he really is and who he wants to be after... he never wants to talk about it, so you try to not push it. be understanding and figure that maybe he isn't ready, yet.

that when he wants to tell you and wants you to know, he will.

but it's been a year since you've known him, and with each passing day, what you feel for him only grows gradually; so much that being friends just doesn't cut it anymore.

the feeling of love both exciting but also suffocating, you didn't even know.

you don't mind being friends with him, but staying that way means stopping what could be, and for some reason, the confidence that san feels the same also grows with every moment spent with him.

you didn't use to think so. dismissed grace's "instinct" and all that, chalking it up to san's natural personality to be kind and treat everyone with respect. but you started to see what she was talking about a while ago. you'd like to believe it.

how he's been a lot more touchy and sentimental these past few days; a look always in his eyes like apprehension that you can't quite read into but know something's on his mind. like he wanna say and tell you about it but can't.

then when he texts you the day just before graduation, asking if you two can talk later on in the evening, you certainly feel like this is it.

that he didn't do all of those things for you just to be nice or to be a friend. why else would he had asked to talk if it isn't something significant that he couldn't annouce through text?

you enter san's car that evening with a beating heart and a tight stomach, feeling so nervous and sick, you feel the food you ate just an hour ago coming back up.

and though it's a scene you're all too familiar with--you and san in the parking lot of the university's dorm building, there's an air in tonight's meeting you can't quite gauge.

something tense that makes the both of you sit in silence for a few seconds too long, nervousness gnawing at you once more while you start to doubt if the same is what's causing the current discomfort on san's face.

"hey," you start, trying to lighten the atmosphere that has gotten so awkward already, and you haven't even confessed. "how has your day been?"

he finally lifts his head up to look at you, his hands off the steering wheel and settling on his lap as he try to smile forcefully, you can tell.

"it was good, yeah..." he answers, tone dull and tired, you wonder if maybe he didn't get enough sleep. "you?" he asks in return but it doesn't sound like any other times.

like he didn't ask because he's genuinely interested, but because he has to.

"it was also good. yeah..."

you swallow down the knot in your throat, another long silence engulfing the car as you and san listen to footsteps and chitters of students having just arrived.

"i have something to tell you," you both say and turn to each other at the same time, the scary coincidence of the timing has both your eyes wide as echoes of giggles let loose temporarily.

despite the unpredictability of the other person and the possible turmoil after, you both can laugh for now.

"you go first," he says, nodding his chin your direction and sitting with a beating heart just a tad lower than yours that to you, fills your ears and the entire car.

you take a deep breath, your fingers naturally finding each other in moments of distress and finally uttering the words you've been wanting to tell him for a few months now.

"san, w-we've known each other for about a year now and i know this might be dramatic of me, b-but you're probably the best thing to happen to me," you speak so fast, another habit of yours when under pressure, barely looking him in the eyes to even notice the look in them, "and, and... i think what i wanna say is i like you. i really really like you and i wanna tell you that."

and when you finally level his eyes again, so relieved it's out now, but when you only see the cold, indifferent reaction, nothing like you predicted, you fear the worst.

and when san breaks your heart for the first time, you know you messed up majorly.

"i'm sorry," he mumbles, almost murmuring and keeps his head down as if ashamed to say such thing, "really really sorry."

messed up by letting feelings get in the way of a wonderful friendship with a wonderful person, and let his act of kindness get to your head because how could san ever possibly feel the same?

"no. i'm sorry," you say, volume barely above a whisper and voice between crying and staying strong in front of him. "i-i shouldn't have said that."

"no. it's okay. don't feel bad," he tries assuring in his usual calm and collected tone, but even he knows you don't believe him. but he means it, because he has way more to feel bad and be sorry for. "it's just..."

he can hardly look you in the eyes, your expression of heartbreak and guilt something he should be going through instead.

"i'm gonna be leaving in two days."

it suddenly feels like the world stopped at the drop of those words. your chest constricting and your breath hard to catch, the rejection nothing compared to the realization.

the hard reality that you're gonna be losing san. one moment as if he's right in front of you, you could almost grab him, and the next he's slipping right out of your grasp. just like that.

loving someone is such a horrible, awful feeling.

"w-where to?" you ask, the crack in your voice makes san wince and he can't wait for the night to be over with. for him, and for you.

"seoul, south korea," he answers lowly, pausing before adding, "that's what i wanted to tell you tonight."

and suddenly, everything makes sense. like having found pieces of puzzles you couldn't ever; it all hits you at once.

the first time you met him.

“i went into it because the people around me said i was good at it,” he says, a bit unfazed and dull. “that’s pretty much it, i guess.” and ending it with a smile when he catches your gaze again.

“but do you enjoy it?”

there’s a quick silence and san tilts his head slightly, quirking his lips to the side before answering.

“it’s not bad. if anything, it’s been easy, so i’m glad for that at least.”

you nod, smiling in return.

“that’s good. only one more year and we’ll be done.”

"yeah," he says, letting out a loose chuckle after. "i can't wait. there's something i want to do after, but for now, we'll have to see what happens."

the party.

“cute, isn’t he?” she turns to you, her gaze burning and making you feel small on the spot. her confidence something she walks with proudly and with an aura you hate yourself for even admiring. “but unfortunately a hard one to tie down.”

and all those times he'd dodge your questions and never want to answer anything concerning what it is he actually wants to do, or even how he grew up.

simply because san never planned to stay.

he was always meant to go after... even if he got to know you. he never wanted to be anything more with you.

you can't help the sense of betrayal that blooms from deep within, never wanting to have any ill feelings toward san but the hurt is so strong, you don't remember a time in your life you've ever felt this way before.

being mislead for so long and kept hidden in the dark. but even then, you can't seem to bring yourself to hate him.

a tear pricks your eye and you attempt to wipe it away, voice hoarse when you speak again, "that's what you always wanted to do, right?"

san just nods, unable to see him clearly through the tears multiplying and his gaze that has turned away.

"hey," you say, a soft call that san responds to, his fox eyes staring back that you're gonna miss. "i hope it goes well." you smile, a mixture of bitter and sweet.

"i know it will," you say once more, swallowing the knot dying in your throat and searching san for any reactions.

maybe you don't know who he was before or who he's gonna be after, but you know him right now. the boy you met a year ago and made you feel so many things; butterflies down to heartbreak--who, you're still so madly in love with, you don't even have it in you to wish him anything but well.

why would you wanna keep him in the small palms of your hands when there's a world out there much bigger waiting for him. a world that could make him so much happier and content.

you would never be upset about that.

when it looks like san isn't gonna say anything, his mind continuously in thought but lips unable replicate, you're the one to break the tension yet again, figuring he just needs time.

even if he's had time... to prepare all of this and for what he was gonna say, yet he's drawing nothing but blanks in the actual presence of you.

"i should uh, i should probably go," you announce when the silence sits for too long. "graduation is tomorrow and grace wants to wake up early in preparation."

he nods just as he's done cowardly before.

"i'll see you there?" your voice squeaks slightly for the first time tonight; some kind of hope and excitement in them.

you don't know whether he nods or hum, or if he even answers. just a vagueness to his expression that you take for a yes, because why wouldn't he be.

but if you knew at the time, that when you go to search for the familiar head of black in the crowd during the ceremony and you wouldn't find him, you would have said more

if you knew that even during the celebration after; a restaurant across the streets your friends wanted to go to, that he still isn't gonna come, you would've stayed longer last night.

tell him everything and wish him all the good in the world... if you knew that was the last time you would see him.

act like you're not constantly checking the door of the restaurant in hope he'd show up even for one last time so you won't feel so dejected and have all of yeosang, grace, and wooyoung look at you with pity.

say you're just tired and continue acting like your heart didn't do a flip at the drop of his name when yunho asks about his whereabouts and wooyoung tells the group he's busy packing for tomorrow morning.

none of them seem to be aware he was leaving, besides wooyoung and your friends (for obvious reasons).

hold back your tears and attempt to not crack when you finally get wooyoung to yourself, telling him if he could give something to san.

something you've been planning to for a while but wanted to wait till it was finished, and when it was, you kind of forgot about it. until suddenly.

assure wooyoung it's okay when he tells you he's told san on plenty of occasions he needed to let you know.

and finally, when you get back to the dorms, you allow yourself to cry in grace's arms but also assuring her you're gonna be okay and she doesn't need to stay up with you

when it's past midnight, hugging your knees on edge of your bed in the dark watching as the trees sways outside the window, you wonder if this was how your uncle and mother felt.

why your uncle decided to move halfway across the country and leave everything he knew behind just for love, and why your mother still married your father despite everything against them.

a part of you finally starting to understand all the sacrifices and compromises yeosang and grace makes.

love is so strange.

you give into the events of today and curl up in bed, pulling the blanket over and closing your eyes.

before the blooming of flowers and trees, and the soft, gentle breeze of spring could even pass, san leaves you.

a month later

"don't be so nervous. you look great."

grace turns you by the shoulders to the mirror and you can hardly recognize yourself. the short black satin dress hugging your body and skin adorned in jewelries that doesn't even belong to you, nor are the heels on your feet.

you really didn't even think you'd be going, let alone have your work accepted for the exhibition among hundreds of other submissions.

have your work out in the open and on display for people other than your friends to see and judge. it's nerve-racking, but grace think you should at least dress for the occasion.

"yeosang said he'll be here in 15," she tells you.

you're nervous just sitting around, and even more so on the way to the gallery, the awful music yeosang has blasting not helping a bit.

"cookie points to whoever finds y/n's art first," grace says from the front, her lips turning upward as she challenges her boyfriend.

"that's easy. we can probably see the watercolor and blue from a mile away," he teases, prompting grace to smack him lightly by the arm; his comment making a scoff leave your mouth.

they don't know what you submitted. you didn't want them to, saying you wanted to really surprise them and get an honest opinion as it was the piece you probably took the longest on and put the most thoughts to.

the arrival doesn't make you feel any better, more cars than you predicted lined up at the front and in the parking lot, you have to take a deep breath.

"hey," yeosang says, his head peeking over the car seat with a small smile, "tonight's gonna be great. you go in there and get familiar with everyone and we'll meet you soon?"

you nod, unbuckling your seatbelt and undoing the wrinkles on your dress, ready to head out.

"good luck!" grace squeals just before you're out the car, waving to your friends as they grow further away to find parking.

you've been here a couple times before but never for your own work, of course. making way inside and glad that the first face you see is one of your professors from a class you had, his smile welcoming and you keep yourself close until it's time for the showcase, your natural tendency to stick close to people you know.

you finally spot your friends halfway into it, the two shamelessly standing in front of your work and shooting you looks they know is gonna make you flush in embarrassment.

the night goes on and that feeling of nervousness and anxiety easing the more other students also talk to you and compliments your work with you doing the same in return because everyone here is truly talented.

each and every artwork telling a different story and probably held closely by the artists themselves.

"see! that wasn't so bad," grace says, having ran to you the second you're free from the circle of students and professors, pushing you playfully by the shoulder and getting a giggle in response.

"i guess so."

"by the way, love the art!" she squeaks, so much happier and excited than you.

"and it definitely wasn't because your name was written on top that we knew, but your style is just too distinct," yeosang adds, "only thing different this time is it's pink."

you smile, the process of having to come up with something you'll be okay with everyone else seeing all coming back. how, it took a while, but once you knew, you wanted it to be as perfect as possible.

the pink cherry blossom tree next to a body of lake and the field next to it decorated in countless dandelions, all painted in the style you're best at--the watercolor really bringing life to the picture.

it's not often you can say you're proud of your own creations, but you can say you really like this one.

"well thanks, guys," you tell them, a laugh bubbling out at the end. "really appreciate you two coming out tonight."

"well, duh." grace rolls her eyes dramatically, her lips turning to a smile after. "we know this means a lot to you."

"for sure," yeosang says, checking the surrounding briefly before continuing, "you should probably finish up things here with everyone else first. me and grace are gonna head out to a shop nearby and we'll come pick you up when you're ready?"

"yeah. i probably should." because seeing the rest of the students and professors stuck in conversations, it doesn't seem right to just up and leave. you need a proper farewell at least. "i'll let you guys know."

you spend the next couple of minutes out of courtesy attempting to talk to anyone you could until the place mostly start clearing of visitors.

saying one last farewell to the professor you're most familiar with, you turn a corner to head out with the plan to call yeosang when you're stopped in your track by a figure suddenly emerging from the walls and now in your way.

when you meet his gaze and take in the fact he's dressed for the occasion, the suit he's wearing clad onto his body too perfectly (though when does he not look good in anything), you almost want to be angry it looks like he planned to come here tonight.

"san..." his name falls off your lips. a name you haven't said since a month ago and didn't plan to any time sooner.

"hey," he greets, awkwardly and quietly, his hands shoved into the pockets of his suit pants that shows off his legs you didn't even realize were so long.

but you're mostly just thinking and wondering why he's here. he isn't supposed to be here. he left a month ago to go chase his dreams, so why is he all of sudden standing in front of you in such a small gallery.

"w-what are you doing here?" you ask, no anger or pain in your voice though he thinks there should be; only curiosity the way you always sound.

"i promise i'd come, remember?"

“when is it again?” he ask.

“june the 18th,” you say, placing your sketchbook and pen down. “you’ll be there, right?”

he nods at first, a simple smile settling on him. “of course,” he answers, “i’ll be there. i promise.”

he did. but he also left.

you feel you might be going crazy, like this is all a dream and he's only a figment of your imagination because he wouldn't come back just for this. not for you.

"san," you say, a knot on the horizon, "you left. you left a month ago." like you have to remind him of the fact as if speaking to a ghost.

"i know i did..." he hangs his head in shame and you can only stare, the situation so unreal, you wanna try slapping yourself to see if you'll actually wake up. "and i want to apologize for doing so."

such words bringing upon a web of emotions, both you and san still standing smack in the middle of the public gallery and you're trying to keep your composure.

heck, you're still trying to process the fact he's really here.

"can we talk about this outside?" you say, voice soft and timid, alluding to the current scene that san takes a hint to. the walk out the most quiet and awkward as you both try finding some form of seating, settling on a bench not too far from from the entrance.

a couple seconds that feels like an entire minute passes before you start again, san's heartbeat loud and hammering from beside you.

"you don't have to apologize. you went after your heart, why would i be mad about that?" you mumble, but the volume still loud in the quiet night, the air of spring about to be summer soon.

san exhales in preparation, his chest rising and falling to what he knew you were already gonna say because that's just how you are. all of what makes you so likeable and easy to fall for. though right now, he doesn't need forgiveness or even an ounce of your kindness.

he doesn't deserve any of it.

"because i lied to you," he breaks it, straight and clear, and the reminder throwing you back to the month before that you wanted to forget so bad.

you don't wanna cry and you didn't plan to cry tonight but the tears you're currently trying to blink away says otherwise.

"you didn't lie... you just kept things from me," you try justifying, part of it to console your own self. because you'd like to think that though san omitted details, he never said anything that wasn't true.

"and that makes it any better?"

there's a quick, uncomfortable silence before you speak, eyes down on your lap. "i'd like to think so."

it would be a lie if you say you don't think back to that night often. the conversation and then the awful realization in the car that gave you one of the most most awful case of a heartbreak. nothing in comparison to your mother's death, but a different kind for a different lesson.

how, you've tried so hard to not linger because the longer you did, the more sick it made you, creating doubts in your head that you were certain could never be answered because san left.

but you do think about it. if san simply struck up a friendship with you and did everything he did knowing you were exactly the kind he could never develop romantic feelings for.

that the reason he never seemed to really want any of that, or even gave into advances from other girls was only because he was leaving. but if he wasn't, would he have given any of them a chance? would he have given ashley a chance?

but you don't really wanna ask him any of that.

"so, are you visiting, or? what really brings you here?" because you don't believe that he came back just for this. just for you.

he told you leaving was what he always wanted to do, and now he's suddenly back here, and you can't think of any good enough reasons to do so only after a month of being gone.

he takes a deep breath and for the first time after sitting down, you turn and look at him, even if he's avoiding your gaze to look ahead into nothingness.

"you know, i probably moved more in the span of 4 years than you have in your lifetime," he speaks, face in eternal concentration, you just wanna listen. "i don't know. it's complicated i guess... but it was difficult to really feel like i belonged anywhere." he shrugs, the same time the bittersweet smile at the corner of his lips is visible.

"wasn't ever that close to my family members and i try to not stick with the same people for too long. ashley and especially wooyoung were just more persistent than your average person." he pauses, then continues almost hesistantly, "because i knew if i did, i'd end up hurting them."

and how funny and hypocritical of him because you're the person he ended up hurting the most. the one he completely shut out and gave no closure to, because he didn't think he'd grow so attached to you in the matter of just a year.

"but that's just how it works, right? there are things you have to sacrifice in order to find happiness," you say, at this point still trying to excuse his actions although you still remember feeling hurt and betrayed not that long ago.

"but i wasn't happy over there." he squeezes his eyes shut and his lips curl together in frustration, as if trying to get through you because you're failing to understand the point. "i came back because i was the happiest while i was here. i came back for you."

he knows it's selfish. how beyond hurt you must've felt when he left, and now all of a sudden showing up asking for a chance, the turmoil of mixed emotions you're probably going through at the confession.

just a month ago, he literally ghosted you. and just a few months before that, he made you think he was gonna kiss you... when it was not kissing you that he had a hard time with.

he wanted it be as quick and painless as possible, and kissing you was only gonna do the complete opposite. if he kissed you, he would've wanted to stay. but given how everything turned out, he should've just not pushed the friendship at all.

should've never texted you, never invited you out, and he especially should've never talked to you to start with. but again, he's a bit selfish by nature and couldn't help but to be intrigued by you when he shouldn't have.

but he especially shouldn't have opened the door to wooyoung that night of the graduation, still able to recall the exact outfit he was wearing as the boy glared at him with a certain look of disapproval before he could even say a word.

"y/n asked me to give you this," wooyoung says, sounding tired from the day or maybe he's still just mad at san and doesn't really wanna talk.

san sighs and hesistantly takes the pink envelope, wooyoung's gaze burning into his before the boy says his final farewell.

"you know, you're really an asshole."

and it was almost like wooyoung showed up at 1 in the morning after a long day just to give it to san out of spite in hope he'll feel guilty, and it worked.

because the content in it played a big part in san ultimately deciding to come back, the sketch of him that day in the cafe with his grey hoodie watching the petal shower along with a short note attached to it haunting him day and night.

Because of you, I had one of the best years of my life. I hope things are better in Seoul, and thank you truly for being the greatest inspiration - y/n

so he came back for you, and he means it... though you don't look like you believe it the slightest and he doesn't blame you. he's done nothing but fed you doubts.

he hears a hard swallow from you that he finally turns to, your eyes glossy and lashes fluttering to hide it.

"san, you shouldn't be saying things like that. you know how i feel about you," you say, sniffing due to a clogged nose because you're not doing very good at not crying.

san's scooted next to you, his leg brushing yours and hands on your jaw as you look up at him, never this close or intimate before, butterflies in your stomach that you wish wasn't there.

"it's true. i mean every word of it. i've liked you for so long, you have no idea."

he's not sure when he started liking you, his guess is probably during the summer trip. but he remembers looking forward to your texts and thinking how pretty you are and how he wanted to get closer to you, even if he shouldn't have.

"then why did you leave?" you ask, your eyes vulnerable and lips pouting that he wanna kiss and soothe.

you understand him chasing his dreams, but if he liked you; if he came back afterall, why did he leave in the first place?

"because i'm not used to staying in one place for too long." his thumbs drawing circles and tending to your cheeks. "i want to travel. i want to see the rest of the world... find a purpose in life and see what else is out there waiting for me."

you open your mouth to say something but it's like he already knew, cutting you off before you could even start doubting again, "i don't see it as having to make sacrifices in order to find happiness, more so just putting it off for the time being. the rest of the world can wait because right now, i want to be happy with you."

he can still be happy with you and achieve his other dreams when the time is right. he don't wanna have to choose one or the other when he can make both work with efforts.

"so you don't have to think about it now, but when you do, i just want you to know i like you. really really like you, and i'd love to give it a shot if you're willing. only when you're ready, of course."

and yes, the man quite literally ghosted you and broke your heart in such a short amount of notice, you could barely process it at the time. but you also can't deny the way he makes you feel.

how, whenever he's near, your stomach still feels funny and your heart wanna do flips. and with him this close, you definitely still wanna kiss him.

it's not possible to get over such a man in just a month, but you were healing slowly and ready to accept the fact you won't ever see him again. and then he comes back and is inches away from your face, telling you everything you've ever wanted to hear.

the sudden sound of your phone going off at a notification makes the both of you jump as san pulls away and clears his throat.

you quickly search your purse for your phone and see a text from yeosang on the screen.

yeosang: u ready?

"it's yeosang,'' you tell san, locking eyes with him briefly and awkwardly. "he wants to know if i'm ready to be picked up."

san nods, the air going quiet until an idea comes over. "i can take you." and when you don't answer, he tries testing if he can lighten the atmosphere even if just a bit. "i am renting the car so just don't make a mess."

but when the silence drags on and san can't read your expression, he thinks you don't want anything to do with him at this point, and rightfully so.

"yes," you say, the response picking san's head up to see a small smile you're trying to fight, "yes we can give it a try, and yes, you can give me a ride."

there's something shy but also daring in your tone, san sees the blush raising to your cheeks that brings out the widest smile from him, jumping in your arms to give you the biggest hug.

when he finally pulls away, the look of surprise on your face has him apologizing but you only shake your head with a smile.

"thank you," he whispers, "for giving me the chance. i promise i'll make it up to you."

you nod to his words, the smile still on your lips but unable to say anything due to the overwhelming (good) feelings.

then he goes to scratch the back of his head, a look of awkward and hesitant crossing him before finally saying it, "can i uh, can i kiss you?"

"yes," you actually answer, a giggle that cannot be contained leaving shortly.

and when he does kiss you, his lips just as soft and gentle as you imagined, the kiss even better than you had in your head, you're glad that your friend's instinct was right.

that san does indeed like you and everything he did wasn't just out of kindness and respect.

when you're both pulling away and indulging in a fit of laughter after and shaking your heads at the turn of events, you know he kissed you because it's something he wanted. because he thinks you might be the one.

when the blooming of flowers and trees are fading, along with the soft, gentle breeze of spring that finally passes, you're still in love with san and you're sure he feels the same way.

#a shiton of dialogues #be warned #ateez angst #ateez imagines #ateez fluff #san x reader #ateez x reader #choi san x reader #san angst

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shawnxstyles · 9 months

Text

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DATE: JANUARY 8, 2023

summary: as you begin to build your confidence, you try to learn some things on your own to surprise harry. you know, just as a little thank you. meanwhile, harry finally starts to think your unspoken arrangement is a little too personal.

request: yes!!

words: 6k

warnings: SMUT (m-receiving [hand-job, oral], dirty talk), language, and loads of overthinking! (will probably have angst in the next part!)

note: PLEASE tell me how you guys feel about this!! comment/reblog/send me a message! PREVIOUS PART.

bestfriendrry x inexperienced!reader

—

It’s barely been a few days since you last saw Harry in person, and quite frankly, you’ve never noticed how much time has passed until now. Until your mind was constantly occupied with thoughts of his hands on your body and his sweet, cocky words in your ear. You wanted to be sick of it, wanted it to be done and through. But your brain just could not let go of his touch. You must have released too many hormones during all that touching because time has never felt so prolonged and stretched. You have gone weeks without seeing Harry before, and although you’ve missed him in the past, you’ve never connected every little thing to him. Certain words and objects somehow prime your memory directly to Harry. Even thinking of your doll collection back at home sends shivers down your spine. He has seriously ruined you, and you hate that you don’t hate it.

After the last time with Harry, you swore it was the last time. You didn’t say it out loud but in your head. You knew that if you explicitly told Harry that that was the last time that it would be the last time and he would never touch you again. No, not unless you asked, not unless you begged. Which he would enjoy too much. What you found out was that you don’t have enough self-discipline to tell yourself no. So, it only makes sense that you’re still agonizing over his touch and how rough yet soft his hands are.

God, why are you thinking of his hands right now?

Your laptop is resting on your legs, warming you up as you try to finish your mid-term paper. At first, your fingers were flying around your keyboard, typing your ass off to submit it. But now you’re barely halfway through and you can’t even comprehend the last sentence you wrote because you keep thinking about Harry. Somehow, you managed to connect some Shakespeare poetry analysis to Harry.

Come on, how does that even happen without conscious effort?

No matter how many times you want to call up Harry and simply ask him for another “lesson” you can’t. It just feels too selfish to you now. He may have willingly offered because he felt bad for you, but now, you feel bad for him because he has to teach you. Maybe if you guys had a set time for all this you would feel less guilty. A schedule, just like your lectures! Then it would be like a real class.

You would never skip.

But you do recall the last thought that you had when you were with him. Would it really be so bad to learn the giving side of sex? Isn’t that the main reason why Harry is teaching you? Firstly, he wants you to understand your own body, which you feel pretty confident with after his sweet praises and words. Oh, and you won’t forget how he made you stare at yourself (or really him) in a full-body length mirror the first time. Yeah, that definitely still gives you chills. And a newly-found level of self-esteem, which is why you feel confident enough in your decision.

You’re going to do a bit of research on your end of the deal. A deal that is unspoken, so therefore, has non-existent rules. You and Harry never specified if you could pleasure him, but you would be getting the experience you needed, so what is the harm? It is in the unspoken rules. So, you’re going to surprise him with what you’ve learned.

After you finish your paper, of course.

Ugh.

–

Watching a variety of porn videos was extremely weird because you were watching them for a different reason than what they are made for.

Your eyes were straining at your laptop screen as you carefully inspected all the women’s actions. Sometimes, they would unbutton the man’s pants, sometimes they wouldn’t, but they always sank to their knees with their eyes on him. The women spit on their hands and stroke gently, or they would just put their mouth straight on him. It caused you to blink and swallow in fear because what if you didn’t like it? What if it tasted so horrible that you’ll never want to suck another man off in your life? What if your lack of blow-jobs is the reason you don’t have a boyfriend? Or why you don’t have a future husband in the running?

This is why you cannot be left alone.

From all the women you observed, they all had seductive expressions and alluring features that you were almost positive you did not possess. They had the most perfect bodies and that effortlessly flowing hair and cute little moans and they knew exactly what to do. It may not be the best thing to base anything off of, but you couldn’t help but feel a little insecure. Watching the videos gave you a little more knowledge, but also made you feel a little more self-conscious about your appearance. What if Harry didn’t even find you attractive? He definitely doesn’t want some girl mindlessly messing with his dick, especially when it’s not erect (which you have learned in health class in high school thankfully). All those words of reassurement and praise, were they just for the moment? Just to make you feel good and that’s it? Did he mean any of it? You couldn’t even manipulate yourself to an answer.

God, sometimes, you just wish that he would reach out to you. Wouldn’t that make everything so much easier? You would never say no if he just texted you first. But why would he do that? He’s doing you the favor, so you would have to be the one to text him. Fuck, how did he go from your best friend to your best friend that you’re obsessing over because he’s really good at sexual things? Maybe he hypnotized you in that mirror.

–

Harry thinks he might just die. Not from school or work, but from you. Out of all his friendships in his lifetime, even his relationships, he has never been thinking about a person so damn much.

He’s been friends with you for many, many years, and Harry has never once thought of you in a sexual manner. Or even in a romantic way. When you two were growing up, he definitely noticed you having some changes through your teenage years as teenagers do. But even then he always knew you were just friends. And that’s all it will ever be, so he never saw through that wall. Men are simple creatures; Harry realized you guys were friends, so that was it. End of story.

But for some reason, years later, he is being haunted by your sudden attractiveness? Harry’s not fucking stupid when he thinks this. You’ve always been gorgeous and funny and smart, so it made perfect sense why you didn’t have a boyfriend. You just checked too many boxes, right? The only possible solution of why men weren’t kissing your feet had to be because of your own expectations.

You’ve always been the kind of girl who thought every little thing to the tee. Harry even remembers you planning your wedding with your dolls when you were younger. You had a binder with all the people you would invite and colors that would decorate the walls of the church your parents got married in. Getting married in a church may seem basic to anyone else, but to you it was special because your grandmother also got married there. To you, it was a tradition, and Harry knows you love traditions and schedules. It’s like a plan that’s set in stone for you to complete. He just knows when you get married you’ll have the most thoughtful wedding because you would have put your heart into every single detail. You’re barely 22, finishing up your last year of college just like Harry, so you still have plenty of time to find your future husband.

Yet you think it’s the end of the world that you don’t have one in the running right now, and Harry has no idea why.

Thinking of the future like this used to make Harry feel happy for you because he knows it’s one of your biggest dreams, but there is something inside of him that’s blocking him from feeling like that anymore. It’s a nagging, sort of distant feeling in his chest that kind of makes him ill. He always knew he was going to be at your wedding in some form, but maybe he wishes it was…

No, that’s ridiculous. How did he overthink that much?

See? You’ve seriously fucked him up. This is exactly why he cannot text you. This is exactly why he cannot touch you anymore. No matter how badly he wants to. God, does he want to. You haunted his mind and invaded his soul until you were completely entwined within his consciousness, lingering like a flashbulb memory. He pitied you at first, so he wanted to help his best friend with her inexperience. That’s what friends are there for–to help you through the embarrassing times in secret, so when you go out into the real world it’s not so bad.

But now, Harry just wants to keep you for himself. He hates touching you knowing that it’s going to be for someone else one day. But he got too greedy to say no to himself, so he put you on his thigh the second day rather than fingering you. Fuck, he wishes he could slide his cock into you while whispering the sweetest and dirtiest words in your ear, just for your face to burn up in flames. He wants to hear your soft moans echo in the air from his cock because you want to be with him, not because you’re trying to “get better” at sex.

No, Harry doesn’t think he can do anything more with you without figuring his shit out.

–

Incoming call: Y/N

Harry wanted to answer it, but he hesitated too long. Fuck, what if you really just wanted to hang out this time? But fuck, he missed your touch. And your voice. And your face… How is he supposed to be around you without reaching out to caress you?

Missed call: Y/N

Voicemail: Y/N: “Hey, I just called to see what you were up to. I was just seein’ if you wanted to hang out. But clearly you’re busy, so it’s fine. I, um, have a surprise that I wanted to show you sometime. I… Well, I’ve been trying to learn some things on my own, if you know what I mean. I’ve been watching some videos, but you know, nothing is as good as a real life teacher! So, um, just call me back whenever you’re free. Bye!”

Harry was royally fucked. His mind couldn’t stop thinking about what you might have been learning about. You were also so cute in your voicemail that Harry just had to save it. He doesn’t think he’s ever saved someone’s voicemail before, but he’s never been more thankful for letting that call go to one. He took a single deep breath before he pressed the call button.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Doll. Sorry, I was in the shower…”

Now he has to rush to take a shower as you drive over to his house to present him with your little “surprise.”

–

As Harry stood up from his couch to answer the door, he regrets not jerking off in the shower.

He had an incredible hard-on, and it was embarrassingly from the voicemail. He was a little too excited for whatever your surprise was. You gave him no hint, but he’s assuming it has something to do with masturbating.

“Harry,” Your voice was chipper as you greeted him almost formally. But it was a little too high and squeaky. It was obvious to Harry that you were nervous, which made him feel a bit better in a way. You didn’t seem as distressed as you last had been, so maybe you did learn to get yourself off. Then you wouldn’t need him anymore.

That was the goal, right?

“Y/N,” he says as he widens the door and lets you in. You scurry past him and onto his couch, immediately heating up at the memory from before.

You swallowed the dryness that drained your voice, deciding how to bring it up to him. You take a deep breath and remember the confidence that he’s been trying to instill in you. You recall all the videos you’ve been researching and how assertive all those women had been. While you do so, Harry follows you to the couch and plops right down next to you.

If you hadn’t been so nervous yourself, maybe you would have seen how shifty Harry was. His eyes were darting all around, trying to look busy. His mind was scouring thoughts of things to say, but couldn’t settle on the right one. Maybe you’d see that he swallowed all the saliva in his mouth until his tongue was dry and he was biting his lip. Only then did you look up from your shivering fingers to see his bottom lip anxiously tucked between his bunny teeth.

“I wanted to talk about our…deal,” You started, tucking your calves underneath your body. Harry nods, but doesn’t say anything. “We never explicitly stated any details of what this contract entailed–”

“English, please, Y/N. You get all formal and chatty when y’nervous.”

Your skin heated, embarrassed. “Right… We never talked about what we were doing. So, if what I’m about to ask breaks some unspoken rule, just let me know. If you actually want to stop doing this, also let me know–”

“Just say it, Y/N.”

“I’ve been watching videos on how to pleasure you…” You speedily say, causing the room to go silent. You feel the heat from in between your legs grow whilst also flowing towards your neck and face. You wonder how hot a human can get before they just boil over and explode. Harry’s seemingly nonchalant face grows a smirk, which is comfortable to you now. “God, you’re a dick.”

After your mumble, you continue: “I felt… bad that you were doing everything. And I just thought that maybe I could learn something from this. And you could be… rewarded in a way.”

“So you’ve been learning what exactly?” His smirk never fades. Of course he wants you to be explicit with him, which you struggle with. He just loves making you nervous. He feeds off of it.

He’s selfish. He’s so selfish and he can’t control it. When he’s with you, it’s like driving a car without its brakes. He speeds right through all the stop signs without blinking twice.

Just one last time, he swears. Then he’s ending it.

“C’mon. Would it be easier to tell me or show me, hmm?” You swear his voice dropped an octave, just like your eyes dropped to the area on his sweatpants. There was a lump that you can’t recall being there before. Were you looking?

You took a deep breath and kept it there, unable to breathe normally at how straightforward Harry is. He’s always been like that, never changed. So why is he just now making you breathless?

Confidence.

“Okay.”

You move your eyes up to meet Harry, and he’s already looking at you. You feel your heart jump at his sudden stare, strikingly green and beaming with lust. Without removing your sight from him, you shift yourself off the couch and onto his carpet.

His eyebrows slightly raise as you hesitantly reach for the waistband of his pants. He’s enjoying this too much, he thinks.

“Go on. I want to see what you can do,” his simple words urged you to actually grab his sweatpants. As he lifts his hips, you yank the material down until his boxers are showing.

“Huh,” The noise left your mouth before you could stop it. Harry stares at you puzzled, blinking at you curiously. That’s the first time a girl has ever made that noise in front of him before. In this position especially…

“What?” Harry has never felt more self-conscious than right now. He was alright until you made that sound. That’s never something a guy wants to hear when a girl is on her knees in front of him.

“Nothing, I just took you as more of a ‘briefs’ guy.” Harry instantly felt more relieved.

“I’ave both. Haven’t y’borrowed my boxers before?” he asks. Your eyes widen as you look down. Maybe you have in the past, but the thought of that now sounds incredibly too intimate to you. Yeah, you’ll never be doing that again.

“Anyway,” You smiled forcefully while trying to rid the heat from your cheeks, “before I pull down your boxers, I have to ask you something.”

“Of course,” he agrees with sarcasm laced in his tone, which only makes you roll your eyes. You’re inches away from his cock, merely separated by a sheer layer of clothing and you have a question. He can bet it’s not going to be can I take this off now?.

“Do you find me attractive?” You had to ask. You bit the inside of your cheek, chewing on the nerves that you felt. Harry just stares at you, blinking. You always find a way to catch him off guard, he thinks. He doesn’t say a word, just two eyes lasering into yours as if he’s searching for the perfect answer. “It’s a simple yes or no. But if it’s a no, then I don’t want to do this. Because then you’ll be all-all soft in my hands or my mouth and then you’ll just be uncomfortable. Guys must not like it when they’re soft, right? You have to be hard, it means you like it… Right?”

When you got nervous, you got chatty. It was one of your most evident qualities. You had to fill the silence that Harry had created with his nonexistent answer.

Harry wishes that was a simple yes or no. Of course, he found you attractive, so yes. But only now are those feelings becoming more complicated, diverging from anything ‘simple’. It would feel like crossing a line if he said yes.

But Harry was great at brushing it off.

“Y’right. So why don’t y’pull these down and see for yourself, Doll?”

Your posture had been stick-straight and stiff unknowingly. But his hot words had your icicle-like spine melting in seconds, shivers cascading down your back like an avalanche.

You swallowed for what felt like the hundredth time since you’ve been here. You shifted on your legs on the ground, trying to get comfortable. You remind yourself that you are going to be confident and show Harry exactly what you have been learning. It should be simple. You should be able to do it without feeling all these emotions.

But it seems so hard when it’s Harry that’s tied to them.

Your fingers tuck into the waistband of his boxers and slowly pull them down. When the material is at his ankles, you finally acknowledge the hard length that sprung from beneath them. His cock was nothing like those porn videos. It wasn’t abnormally monstrous with loads of veins on the sides that looked impossible to fit into any hole. It wasn’t ugly and unappealing. Just the sight of his length alone made you want to touch him. Made you want to put your mouth on him…

You never thought you’d want to do that with anyone ever. You never thought you’d be attracted to that because of those unsettling videos. But of course, Harry is throwing you off, making reality much more fantastical and dreamy than it really is. How does he do such a thing?

You know whoever you fall in love with will not have a cock like this.

His tip was a dark pink with a smidge of wetness at the top. He only had one prominent vein that ran down the left side that was throbbing from neglect. You didn’t even notice your mouth watering, salivating as if you were classically conditioned.

“Does that answer y’question, Doll?” Harry was trying his very hardest not to stroke himself. Better yet, to come. The doe-eyed expression on your face was priceless and would forever be framed in his mind. The glossy, wondrous glint in your eyes screamed lust and anticipation. You seemed excited, but Harry could never be sure because he still feels a tad vulnerable. He’s never felt so revealed before.

He guesses with you it would have always been different no matter what. Because it’s you.

“Yes,” Your voice was quiet as you placed your hands beside his thighs. You were unbelievably nervous now. You were trying to recall what the videos did at this point in your head, but you lost your train of thought. You were literally entranced by his dick. Also something you never thought would happen.

“D’you know what happens now? Or do y’need some help?” he taunts, subtly squinting his eyes as he leans the slightest bit forward. He’s attempting to ignore the throbbing of his cock as you lock your stare into his eyes. It twitches, but he continues to neglect it. He thinks that if and when you decide to touch him, he will come on the spot.

“I know what to do, Harold.”

“Then do it, sweetheart.”

You repeat his words back to him, mocking his tone before spitting on your hands aggressively. Once you feel like they’re not as dry, you put one hand on him without hesitation. His taunting tone fueled you with more confidence than you would have thought. Your legs were tightly squeezed together, so you didn’t have to worry about the tingle that slowly began to throb between them.

Harry hissed lowly, followed by a gentle growl at your touch. Your hands were colder than he had thought, catching him by surprise.

“Holy shit, your hands are freezin’. How did I not feel tha’?”

“Shut up,” You grumbled as you continued to stroke him roughly, not really paying attention if it felt good. You’re annoyed with him because his dick is so perfect, and he’s trying to rush you.

“Hey,” his finger goes beneath your chin and forces your eyes away from his cock. You look into his eyes with a serious pout on your face. He wants to believe you’re truly mad, but he knows you, and he knows that you’re not. You’re secretly frustrated because you don’t know what to do now that you’re actually in the situation. And he knows you hate not knowing what to do. “You’re on your knees for me. Don’t forget where y’are. Now, show me what ya learned, pretty girl.”

His words never failed to make you dizzy. He might as well have put you on the teacups ride and then spun you in a circle. His finger was grazing your chin, and you felt as if you could melt in a puddle before him. He had you weak. He made you want to say yes, sir and obey his every command. Every drop of feminism left your body at his very words, your body going all in.

“Yes,” The s sounded slurred because the word sir nearly fell from your lips. It felt automatic, it felt right. But you didn’t want to cross any boundaries that you guys failed to cover.

Your hands continued to move up and down his length, feeling more comfortable with him in your hand.

“Can I…” You leaned forward, your mouth nearing his cock. He was leaking more than before and his tip was pulsing red. You didn’t even wait for his answer because you knew you already had his consent to do whatever you wanted.

Your mouth dropped down to his cock, sucking on just the tip. Harry doesn’t hold back his moan as it echoes throughout his living room, bouncing off his walls. You don’t move yourself any lower. You just swirl your tongue around the rutty tip and consume all of his juices. The taste wasn’t bad. Maybe a little salty, but it was nothing like you would have assumed. In a way, it was a little addicting. You had hoped that’s what cum tastes like, and you hoped that you would taste his.

Was that a weird thing to hope for?

“Fuck, Y/N,” Harry grumbled as his large hand slotted in your hair, in need of some stability. You didn’t mind, instantly loving the feeling of his hand on you. He didn’t pull or tug you, but just kept you in place. Almost as if he didn’t want you to go any lower in fear of you choking.

“Use y’hands for the rest,” Even with his eyes half shut, he was still able to instruct you on your technique. While his hand was strong, you went lower onto his cock, taking more into your mouth than before. The weight of his tip on your tongue was heavy and hot, but it didn’t stop you from slowly moving it in and out. Your hands eventually found a rhythm with your mouth, understanding speed and pace.

The louder Harry’s sounds got, whether they were breaths or moans or growls, hinted that you were in the right direction. You knew technique and skill was all learned from experience, but also being attentive to your partner. When Harry was pleasuring you, he always listened to you. Almost too well. Even just after a few sessions, he knew what got you off the fastest better than you ever did (obviously).

“Doin’ so good, Doll,” his fingers curled in your hair and you released some type of moan around his cock. The sound vibrated throughout his body, sending a shock to his core. “Gettin’ off on this, huh? ‘Course y’are. Just desperate for whateva you can get.”

Harry was completely right. Your clit was throbbing in your underwear and your nipples were beyond their peaks. But you didn’t seem as hopeless as you usually are because you finally had a reasonable distraction. Your neck was beginning to ache as your jaw felt like it was about to lock. But your hands never stopped, and your tongue continued to explore his circumference, even after swirling around it a million times.

Harry had been holding off for too long. He twitched every time he thought he was about to come, attempting to make it fade. But your mouth was just so warm, so wet, and so, so desperate to be filled, it was impossible to stay calm.

“D’ya want me to come, baby? Huh? Want me to come down your pretty, little throat? Gonna swallow it like the good girl you are, right? It’s the last step,” Harry was nearly choked from the way you moved on his cock. Yes, you were sloppy, but you were determined.

He could feel your nod along with the halt of your hands. You rested your hands on his bare thighs, clawing gently at the tiger tattoo. To his shock, your mouth went as deep as you could go, his tip nudging the back of your throat. He felt your gag, which he had expected for how fast you went down on him. Just as he was about to pull out of you completely though, you persevered, which made him go over the edge.

Before he knew it, his orgasm was spurting down your throat, coating your tongue. When he was all empty, you finally pushed him off of you to catch a breath. Harry was still in shock. He did not expect you to exceed your own limits and swallow all of him without hesitation. You have always had a good work ethic, though.

“Holy fuck, baby, are you okay?” Now, his hands grab your aching jaw in concern, pulling you up to sit on the couch. You didn’t realize how much your knees were going to hurt, but now that you’re up, all you are is achy.

The pet name made your skin hotter than it already was, wondering if he realized what he had just called you. Maybe it was an accident, but it had your heart accelerating at a speed that did not seem remotely healthy.

“Y-Yeah,” You croaked out, throat immensely dry. Harry quickly puts his boxers and pants back on before leaving to the kitchen. You’re left on his couch in shock while you rub your aching jaw.

Harry’s back with some water that you chug without thought. He can’t help but chuckle a little at your nature. He observes you doing a simple task, drinking water for your parched throat. But even with the mundane action, he’s somehow in awe. When you seem finished, you put the glass down and look at him.

“Well, that was difficult,” You sigh, leaning back on the couch. You believe that if you just pretend that what you’re feeling is normal then everything is normal. Harry’s concern for you still echoes in your head; the word baby is never going to be the same.

“I bet,” Harry’s response was dry, but only because he feels like he has to.

“Was it… horrible?” You asked, cringing in fear of his response. You know Harry’s going to be only honest, which means he could be brutal.

It felt way too fucking good for your first time and made me see you in a way I’ve never seen you before is what Harry wanted to say. But he settled with, “It was fine, Doll.”

“That’s it? Oh, c’mon! Give me something honest. I need to learn, don’t I?” You sounded like a little child. Harry rolled his eyes as you scooted closer to him on the couch. He swallowed at the proximity, which you didn’t bat an eyelash at. “C’monnnn.”

Truth be told, your heart was still racing, but you were too immersed in how off-put Harry seemed. You liked that he didn’t have some charming, witty comment hanging off the tip of his tongue. It was enjoyable to watch him get a little nervous.

“Don’t be so stiff,” his arm falls on the back of the couch, “probably why y’neck hurts so bad.”

“Pfft. My neck does not hurt,” You bluffed as you rolled your eyes, avoiding eye contact. Harry knows you too well, though, and didn’t believe you for a sliver of a second.

“Really.”

“Mhm.”

His hand moves to cup the back of your neck, absorbing its warmth. It was almost embarrassing how hot your neck was, flush with the aftermath of sucking him off. You won’t lie and say that it wasn’t attractive. You won’t lie and say that you didn’t get off on it. Everything that Harry had said had been true. It was evident that you were turned on by pleasuring him, just like he you.

You swallowed with his hand caressing your neck. His soft touch slowly turned into a gentle massage, squeezing the aching muscles between his fingers. You couldn’t stop the whispered moan that left your mouth at the relief. The slight roughness from his callouses was doing wonders to the soreness at the base of your neck. Your eyes had shut now, fully encompassed with his hand rubbing your skin.

If it didn’t feel so good, maybe you would worry about how this is too intimate and you too were way too close. But his touch wasn’t as electrifying as it was calming right now, soothing you until your mind’s thoughts were lulled asleep. You were amazed at how his hands could be both. You felt your shoulders drop in peace, teeth pillowing into your lips.

You weren’t conscious of all your movements, but each made Harry go mad. His touch was simple and light, but he could see it really relaxed you. Maybe you weren’t just sore from this, but from school as well. Sometimes, Harry felt like he hadn't talked to you as much because you too were so busy doing… this.

You guys lost time to just being friends.

Maybe Harry was too in his head, but he hated that. He hated that you hadn’t been texting him as often or even coming over as much. Every time you did now, it only had to do with sex. Don’t get him wrong, he loves that, but with you, it’s always more. It’s always been more. And he hates that there’s no ‘more’ anymore.

Should you two stop doing this? Harry already feels guilty enough. He feels selfish because he wants you in ways he knows he can’t have you, so why is he tempting himself? Each time you come over he knows what you want and he selfishly gives it to you because he convinces he’s doing you a favor. At first, he innocently was. But now, he doesn’t see you as a friend as much as something more. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to back petal his way back into a comfortable friendship with you as long as this continues. Losing his best friend because he was horny and thoughtless is unreasonable to him. That’s what it is, he concludes. That he is just horny, and he’s thinking with his dick.

But there’s a certain pattern of his heart that continues to beat your name in a rhythm that’s new and unfamiliar to Harry.

It feels like a crossed line, a boundary overstepped. If he were to officially cross the line, you would have your back turned on him unknowingly because there is no way you feel the way he’s feeling. He fears he is subconsciously trespassing an area of your friendship with these feelings that are bubbling in his chest. It’s hard for him to say he’s just a horny college boy when it comes to you, but that’s all he’s got.

Harry was so caught up in his head, he hadn’t realized how close you two had gotten. Your face looked beyond serene, basking in the warmth and comfort of his hands. But Harry felt guilty. He couldn’t stop feeling selfish for touching you, even if it’s what you wanted. You don’t know his intentions, so each massage on your muscles feels wrong.

Suddenly, Harry removes his hands off of your shoulders and your eyes peel open. You sigh with a gentle smile on your face, very thankful for the time he put into massaging your neck.

“Thank you. I guess my neck did hurt a little–”

“I, um, actually forgot I have work,” Harry blurts as he removes his hand from your neck entirely. Your smile fades as you shake your head. His words brought you back to reality instantly, taking you away from your sweet serenity. One where his hands are on you all the time, lulling you to sleep whenever you’re stressed. It was a great daydream, truly.

“Oh. Yeah. Did you say that before?”

“Don’t know. Must have slipped my mind. Sorry,” His responses were short and clipped, a tell that something was up.

“Hey,” You stopped him from getting off the couch. The worry laced in your voice seemed to slow him down. “What just happened?”

With anyone else, he would ask what do you mean? as if the other person was stupid. But he knew you weren’t stupid, and you knew exactly what was going on. Something had changed within that moment and you weren’t just going to have him kick you out because he had some random thought.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. M’sorry,” he sighs, shoulder drooping.

You no longer felt serenity as the words fell from his lips. It’s always your best friends that know where it especially hurts. Right after you have done something vulnerable he drops that shit on you. Unbelievable.

This is why people should never do sexual shit with their best friends. Or better yet, any of their friends. It’s just way too complicated. It can never be as simple as a favor.

No, it’s way too fucking personal.

—

AHHH HOW DO WE FEEL??

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thesewordsareallihavetogive · 1 year

Text

Cold Nights to Sunday Mornings - bradley "rooster" bradshaw x reader

Summary: 2.1k words. loosely inspired by "Hold My Girl" by George Ezra. (idk what to put for the summary but! pls trust that it's worth your time bc i'm proud of this :) )

Warnings: lots of angst & fluff to redeem the angst

a/n: the fall semester just started & i've been really busy so i'm just as shocked as you are that i'm actually posting a fic. enjoy & please let me know what you think <3

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“Baby, we have to get up,” she pleaded. Bradley ignored her request and wrapped his arms around her midsection tighter.

A soft displeased hum left her lips—though it was mostly in jest. She could never be anything but content in Bradley’s arms. The sound only had the aviator nuzzling his head further against her neck, peppering light kisses across the exposed skin.

---

Before y/n, Bradley never slept in. Rooster was his call sign for a reason. For better or for worse, he had a habit of being up before the sun and the rest of the sane world.

Sleeping in meant that he was only prolonging the amount of time he spent in bed alone. The barrack beds were uncomfortable and cold. When he’d been promoted and was able to arrange for housing off-base he ran into the same issue. A thousand dollars and a new mattress later, the comfort issue was fixed. He might as well have been sleeping on a damn cloud. But his bed was still cold. And lonely.

Without an alarm clock he rose every morning no later than 5:30 a.m.. Maybe it was because of all his years in the military. Maybe it was the broken teenager inside of him that was always running—from his past, to his future, to find someplace somewhere that he could rest easy—and damn, was that exhausting. Everyone he loved and counted on died suddenly, or abandoned him, or died slowly.

As he got older, he found a little bit of peace. Bradley worked his ass off and earned his successful career. He reconnected with his estranged Godfather. He was reassigned to the same base he spent most of his early childhood at.

He slept better after that. In his mid-thirties, it was about damn time that he was able to relax a bit. Yet still, no amount of blankets warmed up the everpresent unwelcome chill.

---

One morning he had a particularly unpleasant wake-up. At just after 4 in the morning, Bradley woke up drenched in sweat. The nightmares weren’t frequent, but they weren’t uncommon. It came with the territory of being directly involved in combat. He couldn’t go back to sleep–he never could–so he got up. He cleaned his entire house. He watched a movie that he wasn’t paying attention to. He went for a run. He didn’t bother counting the miles, he just ran until he felt better; even though he never really did. When he was done showering, it was finally a socially acceptable hour to call someone.

Bradley’s thumb hovered over Pete’s phone number. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed harder than necessary on the screen and winced as the phone rang. After 3 rings Bradley’s tense shoulders deflated. Just before the call went to voicemail, it was picked up with haste. Shuffling could be heard on the other end of the line.

“Hi sweetie!” That’s not Maverick.

“Hey Penny…” he trailed off awkwardly. He was hardly prepared to have a conversation with his godfather, much less his godfather’s girlfriend.

“Mav is out in the hangar right now working on his plane,” Penny explained with a sarcastic air of ‘what else is new?’. There was more shuffling as Penny moved to hold the phone between her shoulder and ear. She had a splatter or two of pancake batter on her manicured hands. Pete would just have to suck it up when he saw the evidence on his phone later.

“I’m making breakfast right now, would you like to come over? I’ll make up a plate for you, hun,” Penny offered sweetly. She was so caught up in putting together her Sunday breakfast feast that she hardly realized she never asked Bradley why he called.

The younger man paused for a moment. He didn’t want to impose, but he really didn’t want to be alone right now.

Pete met Bradley at the front door with a fond smile. Bradley tried his best to return the smile but he wasn’t successful. His lips just looked like they were twisted in pain and there wasn’t much light in his eyes. Maverick’s brow furrowed. He wouldn’t push until the kid was ready to open up, and he had a feeling that wouldn’t be until after he had a plate full of Penny’s famous pancakes.

Amelia all but inhaled her breakfast before she twirled around the house like a mini tornado, grabbing her bag and keys and shouting ‘ThanksforbreakfastI’mgoingtothebeachwithsomefriendsloveyoubye!’ as the door slammed shut behind her. Maverick’s eyebrows raised and Penny just shook her head with a smile.

The older woman subtly watched Bradley clear his plate. She waited until he swallowed his last bite of food and washed it down with orange juice before she rested her soft hand over his white knuckle clenched fist on the table.

“What’s going on, Bradley?” she asked gently. She was careful–like he was a scared animal that might bolt in an instant. Pete leaned in, making sure he was within his godson’s line of sight too. Bradley couldn’t meet either of their eyes. He cleared his throat and was quiet for a moment.

He told them about the nightmare. About the cold sweat, and the cold sheets, and the cold bed, and the cold empty house. Mav’s heart broke. He was trying his best to do right by Goose; he’d just barely managed to repair his relationship with his godson, but he supposed there was only so much he could protect the younger aviator from.

Pete reached across to rest an arm on Bradley’s shoulder. He tensed then relaxed, but didn’t shake off Mav’s hand. Maybe that was a good sign. Penny’s gaze was sympathetic. Bradley rarely opened up to anyone, but he knew Penny was the person to go to when pity would make him nauseous.

“It might be helpful to get some company,” the older, wiser woman suggested and squeezed Bradley’s hand. His fist unclenched a bit. Pete had been mostly silent up until this point. He wasn’t good with emotions, that much was obvious to anyone who’d spent more than half an hour outside of work with the man.

“Company other than one night stands and the stray cats you swear you don’t feed,” Pete remarked. Rooster chuckled. It was the first genuinely positive reaction they’d seen from him this morning. The cats are lovely company, thank you very much, Bradley thought.

---

Bradley tried to get his shit together. He was mostly successful. He officially took in one of the stray cats. He brought him to the vet and made sure his vaccines were up to date and got the poor cat neutered. A cat tree tower took residence next to the backdoor Bradley left cat food out by.

He even tried his hand at gardening. He started a small vegetable garden and did a bit of landscaping. Two months ago he didn’t know which perennials were best suited for California weather, much less how to take care of them. Now he’d installed a carefully timed automatic sprinkler system and even built a tarp over part of the earthy plot to prevent too much sun exposure for some of the more delicate plants.

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Bradley was convinced that phrase was absolute bullshit. Plenty of people were in happy relationships and still went through bouts of being miserable with themselves. Penny tsked Bradley’s pessimism at her bar top. She’d unofficially taken on the role of being his intermittent therapist.

“Bull shit or not, you need to work out some of your own issues before you start dating around,” she said pointedly. She was being pulled in the opposite direction by another bartender that needed her help when she shouted back to Bradley, “Don’t you dare download Tinder, mister!” The exclamation was far too loud for Bradley’s taste, especially when several heads suddenly whipped around to focus on him.

So work out his issues he did.

He stopped throwing himself into work and ruthless workouts simply for the sake of avoiding his thoughts and being alone. He tried out sitting in silence with his thoughts in his lonely house. He hated it. But he got better at it over time. Goose the cat climbing across his lap and snuggling against his thigh made things better.

Companionship. Mav and Penny were right. He needed someone outside of work. Someone whose life didn’t center around the Navy or planes or beer.

---

y/n wasn’t who he ever imagined ending up with. She didn’t particularly care for the U.S. military-industrial complex. She wasn’t a beer girl and she wasn’t very good at driving. She was afraid of heights so she preferred not to fly when she traveled. Whenever she could drive instead of take a flight, she would—even though she’s admittedly a bad driver.

y/n loved Bradley’s cat. She was a cat and a dog person. She was also a bearded dragon person—something that Bradley did not expect to learn about anyone over the age of 20. Her eyes were filled with wonder when she first laid eyes on his thriving vegetable garden.

y/n was very outdoorsy. She loved nature and the beach, she dragged Bradley out of his cold house more times than he could count. The more time y/n spent at his house, the less cold it felt. She brought Bradley on hikes—he had no idea how many trails and reserves were within driving distance. Bradley always drove.

Their green thumbs linked well together. y/n introduced several cat-safe plants to the interior of Bradley’s home. Every once in a blue moon, the couple would spend time at y/n’s apartment. Her roommate was even less of a fan of the military-industrial complex and it showed. One morning Bradley woke up before y/n so he headed to her kitchen to make them breakfast. Her roommate, Allie, woke up early as well. A not-so-casual conversation ensued (read: scrutinizing questions) about Bradley being ‘“Property of Uncle Sam” over the sound of scrambled eggs sizzling. After that, Bradley suggested they spend more time at his house. It was roomier, he reasoned. y/n snorted. “You just don’t want Allie talking at you at the butt crack of dawn,” y/n corrected. Bradley nodded with tight lips.

Mav and Penny enthusiastically offered to help move y/n into Bradley’s home after the spunky y/h/c accepted his offer with a massive grin and a PG-13 kiss.

Now that Bradley woke up with y/n in his arms every morning, he wasn’t really eager to hop out of bed anymore. He was pretty sure the last time he habitually woke up later than 9 in the morning on weekends was when he was in high school.

---

y/n huffed and leaned back into Bradley’s warm embrace. The man was practically a space heater in bed, but he was her space heater.

She twisted around in his arms with a grin so that they were chest to chest. Bradley’s legs tensed when y/n’s cold feet assaulted his skin.

“We need to go feed Goose,” y/n reasoned, even though she knew full well that Bradley couldn’t be reasoned with when he was comfortable in bed. Comfortable and bed were two words that weren’t associated with each other for quite a long time for Bradley.

“He can starve for a bit,” he mumbled without opening his eyes. y/n gasped and swatted his arm. The corner of his lip twitched into a grin as he leaned forward to blindly press a kiss to y/n’s face.

“You have morning breath, Brad,” she wrinkled her nose. He squinted one eye open and stuck his tongue out at y/n. She rolled her eyes but she too snuggled further into his warm embrace. 20 minutes or so passed by. y/n was falling in and out of almost asleep, and she was ready to get the day going.

She squirmed in Bradley’s arms again.

“Bradleyyy,” she groaned, feeling antsy. The aviator shook his head with a smile. For the first time all morning, he cracked his eyes open. The light streaming through the window highlighted the flecks of gold in his beautiful big brown eyes and y/n forgot what she was going to say.

“Shhh, five more minutes” he hushed softly and pressed a kiss to y/n’s nose, a content smile on his face.

“Give me a minute to hold my girl.”

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tsukiran · 2 months

Text

best offer ー brazil!hinata shoyo x reader angst/comfort

"Wait for me?"

His words rang in your ears as soon as you heard of the news. His friends reassured you over and over again. Even banned you from social media momentarily. Just until the news is clear.

You're waiting at an airport in Sao Paulo, as what he had planned weeks ago. Both about to do your Europe trip with his friends waiting in the starting city of your itinerary. Both about to spend your anniversary vacation. Both about toー

Your sob seeped through your system as your anxiety heightened.

"Have you checked your baggages?"

"Yes baby. A check-in baggage and a carry on. 10 sets of outdoor clothes. 3 of formal, rest are casual."

"Your toiletries?"

"We're sharing our toiletries for over 4 years already, baby." You heard his deep chuckle. "That's not gonna change until I die okay?"

What happened? Shoyo, just pick up..

"Bakayama and Oikawa-san's gonna get me if we're a flight late and not together. Wait for me, okay?"

Shoyo's supposed to be plane crashed somewhere enroute Sao Paulo. He was from an away game and just last night he told you about their win and coming home to your arms. He's a flight late but it didn't matter now. Sao Paulo's volleyball star all-rounder Hinata Shoyo is believed on board that crashed plane and all of the state is already on fact checking. It's been 2 hours.

You jumped upon your phone ringing, fidgeting hands pawed at Kenma's video call.

"Breathe." He said over the line after talking over calming you. "He's fine. Shoyo's fine. Trust me."

You nod, then sobbed, phone on your forehead as you broke down. Familiar voices were calling you on the other line easing your tension but heck, you can't as long as Shoyo's not here with you right now.

"Can't we go to Sao Paulo, Kenma? Yn's alone."

"Kenma, you can finance us."

"I already booked tickets for me and Iwaizumi-san."

"What about us!?"

"Yn needs calm people right now."

"Iwa-chan! We are calmー"

"Yeah right."

You tuned them out. You can care less who's gonna be here. All you wanted was Shoyo.

A chilling hour passed before the Brazil media went into a rushing chaos. You thought it was someone else they were waiting but when you saw a bright orange disheveled hair weaving across rows of media, you broke down again and got rooted in your place.

But you waited. You waited for him to reach you in your spot.

He ignored all of the media and when he spotted you, he dropped everything and directly made a beeline to you, crashing your head to his chest, comforting arms around you. Your arms may be crashing his torso right now but you don't care. He's here already.

"You're late, Shoyo."

"Well," His sniffles were audible along with his hoarse voice, all above his chuckle. "Plane's rude, baby. Left with me still in the toilet seat. And you forgot to mention my charger and wallet. When we settle down for our flight to Italy, I'm sorry but we have to reorganize my stuff."

You buried your face in his chest further, chuckling and crying. "Thought you're gonna make me wait forever."

He kissed your crown, above all the noise of the media and their flashing cameras. "Will never gonna happen. I have to have you with me all the time from now on. What do you say?"

Honestly? That's the best offer he gave you. But you have to give him a mouthful before that for being so clumsy.

quick whip after the plane crash in Sao Paulo yesterday. my condolences to all grieving families. will include you all in my prayers tonight.

ran2024. hearts and reblogs are appreciated.

#༊ ran angsty works #tw plane crash #haikyuu angst #haikyuu comfort #well not really angsty but anxiety-induced angst 😩#haikyuu #haikyuu hinata shoyo #hinata shoyo #hinata shoyo x reader #brazil!hinata x reader #hinata shoyo x you #hinata shoyo x yn #haikyuu imagines #hinata angst #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu headcannons #brazil!hinata

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wonxlvr · 30 days

Text

High All The Time

you get me so high- the neighbourhood

— “your my best friend, ill love you forever.”

For @bywons ‘on ℴur 𝑙ove。✦ ’ event!! Go check out the other amazing writers :)

Pairing: stoner!heeseung x fem!reader || Word count: || 1K+ (1794) || Genre: LOTS of angst, fluff, second chance ||Warning: cursing, mentions of death, mentions of drug and drug usage, NOT PROOF CHECKED!

preview 🎬: The high school sweethearts, thats what you and heeseung were known for. Up until senior year when heeseung became a druggie, which took a toll on your relationship.

eve’s notes: STOP WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR ME TO MAKE THIS 😭 anyways its finally out so i hope yall enjoy 🙏 it feel like it couldve been better but its still pretty good IG…

You walked into school, usually with your boyfriend of 3 years but he ditched you to go smoking behind the school, yet again. You were wearing sweats and your Heeseung’s only good hoodie, the rest all reeked of substances and cigarette burns. You would’ve worn something more appealing, but you were too tired.

Heeseung used to be the sweetest boyfriend ever. You met him in your sophomore year through mutual friends and several classes you shared and instantly hit it off. Casual meet ups turned into dates, and on your 2nd date he asked you to be his girlfriend. To which you obviously said yes.

Up until senior year is when things fell apart, he hung out with a bad group of friends and ended up ditching you to go do drugs with them.

You never really had a problem with it until he missed almost every date because he was knocked out cold. You were deeply concerned for his health and well being, that being the core factor to all of your fights with him.

Heeseung came over to your place on the weekends, tripping over his own feet and smelled too strongly of weed.

“Babe, Again? I told you that you needed to stop” you said gently.

“Im sorry, i promise ill stop, baby.” He apologizes, slurring over his words. It was obvious he wasnt sincere with his words, but again, and again, like a fool, you fell for it every time. Thinking he would change.

As you walked hands in your pockets, pity stares were thrown your way but you tried not to mind it. You approached your locker and quickly got your stuff. You saw a glimpse of Heeseung and quickly stormed over to him.

“Baby, where have you been!?” You said in a huff. Heeseung covered his ears to show as if you were being too loud.

“Chill, i was just out back with chenle and the others. And stop yelling, you give me a headache.” Heeseung said as he held his hand up to his head.

You scoff to the side, “I thought you said you would quit?” You angered. Heeseung shrugged and walked pass you angering you more.

“Stop running from your problems!” You yelled from behind, he pretended not to hear you as he went to his friends.

Your eyes welled up with tears, but you blinked them away before anyone could see. You quickly walked to your next class half expecting heeseung to show up but as always, he never did.

You laid your head down and tried to nap. You were tired of him, tired of school, tired of everything. Luckily high school would be ending very soon, in less than a week.

Days pasted by faster than you expected, and graduation day came sooner than anticipated.

Heeseung agreed to have his focus solely on you on graduation day.

The night before the big day, heeseung came over and stayed with you the whole night. School had ended already and now the only event left was graduation day.

You both watched movies and ate snacks together. You were laying on heeseung and you felt his breaths get calmer and short sighs coming out every now and then. When you looked up, he was fast asleep and it was the cutest sight you have seen. You kissed his cupid bow shaped lips and you swore you’ve never felt more in love with someone in your life. Soon falling asleep on him.

Graduation day came and went, heeseung had suprised you with your favorite flowers and a beutiful necklace with an infinity sign to represent your relationship. You made a silent promise to never take it off, the necklace meaning a lot to you.

Hugs and pictures were exchanged throughout the day, the last day was overwhelming for almost everyone.

Jay announced a graduation party that night at his parents house since they would be gone for the week. Everyone was going so you thought why not go as-well.

That night, you did your hair pretty, did your makeup soft, and wore something simple as jeans and a black top.

You went with your friends and told heeseung to meet you at Jay’s place. You and your friends arrived a little later and you stayed with them for a bit until all of you heard yelling.

“y/n!” Jay called. You snapped your head to his direction with a questioning look.

“You need to come with me, your boyfriend is going crazy!” Jay exclaimed.

You got up from your sitting spot creating a domino effect and causing all of your friends to get up as well.

Jay signalled to follow him, and that you did like ducklings following their mother.

When you saw heeseung, he looked like he was on something and was yelling at someone.

“Heeseung!” You said, but your voice was drowned out from his yelling. You pushed yourself through the crowd until you were close enough to reach him.

Just as he raised his fist, you grabbed his hand and led him out the house.

When he saw you, his eyes softened and his demeanor shifted.

“Baby, what was that?” You questioned

“That guy was talking mad stuff you know i cant let that slide, love,” he spoke in a daze.

“Babe, what did you take” you said plugging your nose to stop the smell.

Heeseung shrugged and muttered something incoherent.

“What?” You asked

“Never mind.” He sighed

“No, tell me baby.”

“Just forget it!” He spoke louder.

“Tell me, what did you take?” You questioned inpatiently

“I said forget it, y/n!” He yelled in your face. You were taken aback from his outburst.

“Oh so its y/n now, huh?” You snapped.

“Look, just let it go” he scoffed.

“Hee, dont you get it? I care about you, just tell me!” You insisted.

“Fine, i just took a few tabs. You happy?” He mocked.

“tabs!? Heeseung what were you thinking! Thats dangerous, you could die!” You yelled.

“So what?” he said.

“so what!? Youre SERIOUSLY asking me that right now!? Heeseung, i love you too much to loose you. Please stop this addiction before it gets any worse.” You pleaded with him.

“I dont need you to dictate my life. Just stop telling me what to do!” He shot back.

You scoffed, “fine, you know what? I will. Heeseung, im breaking up with you.” You said, tears threatening to fall.

“What? Baby, you can be serious right now,” Heeseung argued.

“Dont call me that anymore, heeseung we are done. Dont even try to contact me.” You cried, tears already pouring down your checks.

“No please, y/n please! I cant go on without you in my life!” He begged.

“You said you dont need me, right? So theres that, now ill leave you alone.” You sobbed, you turned away as he tried to convince you to stay. you ran away from him wiping your tears with your wrist and quickly dialed your friends number with shaking hands.

“Y/n? Whats up?”

“Isa, i need you to come take me home right now,” you said in broken sentences.

You heard her cut the line of and within minutes she pulled up in front of you.

You got in the passengers seat as you cried uncontrollably. Isa tried to console you while still trying to keep her attention on the road. She drove you home and told you to call her whenever you need and drove away.

You ran to your bed to cry in your pillow. Your phone buzzed several times, all from heeseung. Hundreds of missed calls and hundreds more unread messages. You put your phone on silent as you cried loudly in your bed.

When you woke up, your pillow was still damp and it was bright outside. All of the event of that night came hurling to you like a bad dream, causing a major headache. You only wanted to crawl in your bed and never come out.

You checked you phone and under all the notifications from heeseung, was a miss call from jay. Confused, you decided to call him back.

“Hello?” You spoke in a rasp when he picked up.

“Y/N! I need you to come to the hospital, heeseung just got into a bad accident.” He said in a panic.

You didn’t believe it at first, you didnt want to believe it. But still you called up isa and told her to go to the hospital.

“What happened?” She asked while driving with speed but with efficiency.

“I broke up with him last night, and now jay told me he got into an accident. Now i feel like shit.” You said burying your head in your hands.

“Hey, hey, its not your fault okay? Me and the girls will always be here for you” she comforted.

“Thanks, isa. I love you guys so much,” you thanked.

“ No problem, now go get your man!” Isa said as she parked outside of the hospital doors.

You smiles and thanked her again before you dashed inside. You spotted Jay and ran up to him,

“Y/n! Heeseung got into a car accident last night, he is in that room but he’s unconscious right now, i thought you might wanted see him.” Jay said softly.

You nodded and went into the room jay pointed to. There you saw Heeseung on the bed, countless of machines and wires connected to his body. You held his unresponsive hand and broke down on your knees.

“Hee! Im so sorry, I shouldve never left you alone like that, i was too harsh. Please! Wake up, I cant imagine my life without you!” You sobbed, holding his hand to your forehead.

“Im sorry for being a bad girlfriend, im sorry for being a brat, im sorry for not looking after you more, im sorry for everything, im sorry i never said ‘i love you’ enough.” You said in broken sentences and several huffs of air.

“Please, heeseung. I love you so much,” you cried uncontrollably.

“I love you too, baby” the sudden voice scaring you

“Heeseung! Youre awake!” You hugged his neck close, never wanting to let go.

Once you backed up to give him space, he confessed to you

“Im sorry babe, its all MY fault. I shouldve stopped using substances a lot time ago. I was meant to be in the position, anyways.” He sighed

“Hey, its okay, but please promise me you wont ever touch a drug in your life again.” You pleaded.

Heeseung smiled softly up at you, “i promise, your my best friend ill love you forever.”

And with that, you passionately kissed him cause you were the only thing that could keep him high all the time.

TY FOR READING THIS FAR MAUHAH YAY LOVE YOU ALL ❤️

#wonxlvr #on ℴur 𝑙ove。✦ bywons #heeseung #enhypen #enha #lee heeseung #heeseung ff #heeseung fic #enha ff

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starrysvn · 9 months

Text

puppy love | kang yeosang

pairing: kang yeosang x gn!reader

genre: headcanon; e2l (i TRIED); co-workers au, volunteering at an animal shelter; fluff; angst if you really, really squint, crack (i’m nOT funny)

word count: 3.1k

rating: pg-13

warnings: none; one smooch, mayhaps a couple swear words (lowercase intended)

networks: @cromernet

author’s note: happy belated christmas from your secret santa, @armysantiny !! i really hope you’ll enjoy this and i sincerely hoped you spent warm holidays surrounded by people you loved! <3 i’ve tried my very best with the e2l but mAN writing it is so much less fun than reading it. big, huge, thanks to @hwaightme for giving me wonderful ideas to use and delulus to ponder so i could write this down. ilysm <333

kang yeosang is one infuriating individual. for one, there is no way anyone can be so praised and well-liked by literally everyone. not a day goes by where you don’t wonder how his small smiles and quiet attitude could bewitch every last person he talked to. not when he would not bother to say hi in passing to you specifically, or resolve to small nods and monosyllables when talking. to you.

it seems that you are the problem.

you and him work volunteer shifts at the same shelter. only, he deals with cats while you deal with dogs so it wasn’t like you’d see each other that often, but it was often enough to know he doesn’t like you.

not enough to say hi, engage in any sort of coversation or, least of all, help out if needed.

until christmas.

the shelter was decked out, you spent a whole afternoon helping out with decorations, along with yunho and yena, two other volunteers.

and yeosang.

the man almost laughed his ass off watching you balance on a ladder in the most uncoordinated way possible to avoid falling. arms flailing around and everything.

he just stood there, an ornament in his hands, with his stupidly cute smile and watched.

you sigh, scratching behind the ear of the latest rescue dog that was brought in. you like baxter, he is chill and his black, shiny fur does not show signs of him having had to live out in the streets all on his own for weeks anymore. you like him best because it looks like he is listening when you ramble on, in disbelief of the rudeness showcased, about yeosang.

just then, a call of your name sounds in the air, the voice coming from the front desk of the shelter.

“see you later,” you leave behind baxter’s toy, leaving him with one last pat on the head, and make your way to the front where hongjoong had called for you.

you smile upon entering the reception area as it had been a joint decorating effort between you, yunho and yena. the result was looking very much like an elementary school christmas project, but you enjoy the general vibe. the senior rescuer currently behind the counter, looking rather preoccupied with a few papers, however, had just shook his head dejectedly upon seeing the final result.

“i’m sorry to be doing this, but could you take the christmas day shift?” he looks apologetic as he asks, rushing to explain. “it’d only be a half day, I promise that by one you can leave, we’ve got the staff taking care of the other shifts and the morning one’s the only one left uncovered-”

“no worries,” you interrupt his rambling. “i’ll be there.”

hongjoong smiles, looking relieved only for a second, before his face betrays further worrying.

“what is it?”

“nothing, i,” he sighs, shoulders sagging upon seeing the inquisitive look on your face. “yeosang will be working the same shift.”

defeat. dejection. betrayed trust. you groan dramatically, barely hearing hongjoong say that you’d already agreed and it would not be that bad.

surely it’d make for an interesting christmas.

when you arrive on christmas morning, the night shift staff gives you a tired nod and you offer him a smile in return, quickly wishing him happy holidays.

you waste no time in doing the rounds, giving all the cute doggos their breakfast.

while going over the duty checklist left from the night shift staff you hear the bell jingle in the front and roll your eyes.

when you finally decide to go up front it takes a couple of minutes before yeosang finally comes into view.

decked out in his funniest ugly sweater it reads “here comes santa paws” and has a cat wearing a christmas hat on it and with his long hair tucked behind his ears, he’s coming up to you with an awkward air about him.

you squint your eyes in suspicion.

“merry christmas,”

you’re floored, shocked, gaping like a fish looking up at your co-worker who for the first time ever has spoken to you first.

“cookie?” he produces a tupperware from behind his back, carefully removing the lid to reveal the most crooked, ill-decorated christmas cookies you’ve ever seen. some look slightly burned. a gingerbread man has three eyes.

you’re still gaping, not in the slightest understanding how it's possible that he’s spoken to you first, and also not noticing how ever so slowly a blush starts to creep up on his cheeks.

maybe you’re hallucinating, but it snaps you out of your trance.

you quickly reach for the gingerbread man with three eyes.

“thanks,” you mumble, giving him a small smile. “merry christmas.”

yeosang nods, closing the tupperware and disappearing without a word.

so you’re left there, cookie in hand, not knowing what to do with this.

you stay put, eating your cookie, until you hear a loud bang.

you rush to the source of it, finding a very flustered yeosang surrounded by cat litter. at least it’s clean.

you hold in your laughter, seeing him stand there, look around and try to come up with a plan.

“a little help?” you pretend to wipe away tears, facing his deadpan expression.

“you would’ve let me fall from a ladder,”

“you would’ve survived,”

you scoff, turning around to grab the broom and toss it his way. Yeosang catches it, just barely.

“really?”

“you scared my dogs.”

with that, you leave him to his mess, going to comfort and play a little bit with the shaken up puppies.

it’s not until a little later that you show up at the front desk again, noticing yeosang is already sitting there, typing away on the computer.

he’s also got the phone pressed to his ear, helping out someone on the line with cat duties, speaking with his honey voice and a small smile on his face.

it’s almost mesmerizing seeing him wear an expression that’s not his usual blank stare he holds up around you.

“if you’re done staring, we’ve got hongjoong’s checklist to go through,”

just like that, you feel like a deer caught in headlights, heat pervading your face.

“sure,” you shrug, going over to him to take a look at it, trying not to stare at his smug pout.

deep down, very deep down, you think about kissing it away.

if he weren’t so unbearable. but he is. so.

the checklist read “lobby Ikea chairs”

you both looked at each other, confused, until you noticed the boxes hidden behind the counter.

there was a post-it on it that read: “good luck! -HJ”

simply infuriating. you’d lost count of all the times you had to resist the urge to roll your eyes or drop everything and go back to your dogs.

there was no trace of the cold, odd yeosang you were used to.

he’d casually sat down on the spot where you were assembling the Ikea chairs, picked up the instruction manual and waited for you to hand him the screwdriver. bewildered, you had.

that was about two hours ago, before trying to follow instructions had gone to your heads, when it was only extremely awkward and quiet while he read the manual and you tried your best to sneak glances at him. to figure out what possibly could have been going through his head, of course.

now you were busy trying to one up each other in an undeclared war of who is the best handyman, clearly having lost the main aim: building the damned chairs.

“you were supposed to put in the screw first and then the little wooden thingy.”

“does it matter?”

“does your chair look structurally sound?”

“listen, if we start over-” pinching the bridge of his nose and scrunching his eyes closed with a sigh, you stop him before he could finish his sentence.

“like hell we are, it took us two hours just to get to this.”

“exactly,” his deadpan tone leaves you no choice but to sigh.

“fine,” you give in.

you were going to kill hongjoong.

because it took you only two hours to realize all it took for yeosang to distract you were his hands working on assembling furniture, his voice asking you to pass him stuff and his silence.

if you hated it before, now you appreciated the quiet moments where all you could hear was the faint music coming from the radio and the occasional bark or meow that prompted one of you to stand up and go check on your animals.

of course it was because you didn’t have to hear his disdainful reprimanding, not at all because it gave you the chance to throw glances at him and how a few strands of hair escaped the clips pinning it back and framing his face very nicely. no, not at all. you still couldn’t stand him. mhmh.

once you finally finish building the chairs, he helps you set them up in exchange for the older ones, now piled up in the storage room.

it’s almost second nature for you to hold up your fist for him to bump.

it’s just a thing you do all the time with your friends but now you’re standing there awkwardly, fist mid air, yeosang staring at you very lost, eyes going back and forth from your face to your hand and of course now he’s not going to want to see your face ever again and you feel embarrassment slowly and steadily creeping in the more you stand there until

he fist-bumps back

a little puzzled, seemingly asking if he’s done the right thing with one look, before dropping his hand and clearing his voice

you do the same

“gotta go see the dogs,”

“yeah, no, me too… i mean, the cats, yeah, so-”

he turns around and speeds away.

you follow him.

“so how’re the cats?”

yeosang jumps on his spot, almost dropping the little mouse toy he was about to throw for a kitty to catch.

“sleeping, mostly,” he shrugs. “how’re the dogs?”

you motion for him to follow and, surprisingly, he does.

immediately, he greets the ones that are up or go up to him with a smile on his face that you’ve never seen.

it shines brighter than the sun and you find yourself smiling as well, seeing him crouch down and pat dogs left and right.

then you get a grip, not for long

it leaves you pleasantly surprised how he follows while you introduce him to every dog, how he listens while you explain why they’re there, their stories, their backgrounds

but then, while you try to get some of the dogs to play with you so he could finish the round of greetings, he reaches the puppies’ enclosure and enters it to sit among them

and while he tries to play catch with a couple, one makes his way into his arms

and when he looks down at the pup, he’s wearing the most adoring expression

like a kid seeing snow for the first time

it’s wondrous and starry and happy

and you’re staring as he softly pats the puppy’s head and coos at it

“what’s his name?”

you almost don’t answer, too focused on the scene unfolding and having trouble locating the information he’s asked for in your brain

“i don’t think he has one,” you mumble, patting baxter’s head

“sleepy,” he looks down at the puppy. “cause he’s asleep while everyone wants to play, you know?”

you just nod with a smile, or at least you hope it is because what the fuck

why are you losing your mind over yeosang cradling a sleeping puppy?

why is your brain recognizing just now that your stomach’s doing cartwheels? why do you want to look away but also keep staring?

“what’s this?” you think he’s speaking to himself, but you still catch the words leaving his mouth as he enquires the toy another puppy has just brought him

then yeosang looks up at you, eyes wide as saucers, and your heart drops for being caught staring

he doesn’t say a thing, but looks down prompting you to do the same

it’s the mistletoe chew toy

yunho’s brilliant idea of getting the dogs christmas themed toys

yeosang looks away throwing it

“yunho,” you start, catching your coworker’s attention. “yunho’s idea, to get them those.”

you offer him a pained smile as he nods, scratching his head.

“seonghwa too, for the cats…”

“ah, really?”

“yeah…”

you want to bash your head into the wall

but the phone saves you, so you dash to the front, escaping the burning flames of awkwardness

it turns out to be a family wanting to adopt as a christmas present for their kids

so you say that yes, you’re open and yes they can come in whenever

when they do, yeosang has re-emerged and stands beside you, silent like always

this time around, though, you fear he’ll hear your heart beating out of your chest at the proximity

why’s he so close?

you almost jump to greet the happy family of four when they walk in to the sound of let it snow coming from the radio

“we were afraid it wasn’t going to stop!” the dad says, brushing off some snow from his hat

turns out they’d like to adopt a dog

it surprises you that yeosang follows when you lead the family in but you try to pay him no mind

the kids seem to be enamored with every dog they see, their parents giving them free reign

they’re still very polite and don’t cause much ruckus or yell too loud, which you’re grateful for

“could you tell us more about him?”

you’re about to turn to answer the question, if it weren’t that yeosang’s already at it

he’s introducing the kids to baxter

“he’s been here for a while, he’s very fond of our y/n and his favorite snack is carrots. he doesn’t like loud noises all that much. his past owners left him here because they could no longer take care of him, but he’s looking to find a new home,” he speaks as if he’s always been taking care of him, like he hadn’t just learned all that stuff half an hour ago

and he has his smile on, the one who could charm and warm up even the coldest of hearts

except one detail

you didn’t notice the little girl facing the puppies enclosure

until you hear her go “that one’s sleeping!”

but you can’t tear your eyes away from yeosang and his can’t help but hear his soft giggle as he says “his name’s sleepy”

yeah you want to punch a wall just about now

though you have to snap out of it quick

because you’re now letting this nice family adopt baxter and can’t fuck up the procedure or hongjoong will have your head

“how’d you know?” you ask, a little melancholic but over the moon to finally see your baxter go to a family worthy of him, as you both watch the car pull out of the parking lot.

“know what?” when yeosang turns to look at you, it’s with a shadow of a smile and curious eyes, an expression you’ve rarely ever seen directed your way

you swallow hard before speaking next

“that baxter’s fond of me”

his eyes light up in recognition

yeosang swore no soul shall ever know of this

but now he feels his resolution coming apart under your waiting eyes

because truth is, he’s noticed

he notices everything about you

from how you walk in dragging your feet when you have an early morning shift, relying on your cup of coffee, to how you laugh loudly at yunho’s jokes, always get your favorite snack from the vending machines at just about the same time he goes to get his melon pan he does wait for you to be done before going up to the machines himself

and how deeply you care for the dogs and how you seem to have a soft spot for baxter

maybe he’s even heard you once or twice rambling on and on to him about how you don’t get why he doesn’t like you

truth is, he sees you, and he likes you

so much

too much

he’s afraid of doing the wrong thing, say the wrong thing and make you hate him

but apparently his plan had backfired immensely

that’s why he insisted hongjoong gave him and not seonghwa the christmas shift

he even baked stupid cookies to give you

“ah, well…” yeosang has no idea how to get out of this one. “you just seemed to like him a lot from the way you spoke about him”

you hum, not really convinced

yeosang notices though, just as he notices the car of the afternoon staff pull in under the snowfall to free you of your volunteering duties

it’s not long before the shift’s over and he’s not going to see you until after the holidays

so, as you part ways to say goodbye to the pets and grab your coats, he musters up some courage

under the snowfall, he calls your name

when you turn around his dark hair is lightly dusted with snowflakes, only making him look more ethereal, and his eyes are determined

you don’t know what’s up with you today and why suddenly he’s making you feel like a teenager dealing with their first crush under his gaze

“yes?”

he comes closer, much more than he’s ever been, so close that you’re frozen on the spot

“just wanted to let you know that you can redeem your mistletoe kiss whenever you want to”

there’s a smugness in his voice, in his pouty smirk and a sense of accomplishment shining clear in his honey eyes

have they always been this mesmerizing?

his words and his warmth leave you breathless for just a beat too long, until your eyes fall on his lips

when you look back into his eyes, his are already looking at you, waiting

“alright,” you mutter lowly, pecking his lips once, testing the waters

he places another peck on your lips and, before you know, you’re kissing him

it feels exhilarating, and soft, so soft, just like his lips. just like the hand that’s come up to cup your cheek, bringing you closer, deepening the kiss.

when you come up for air you giggle, yeosang following suit

“may i also interest you in a coffee?” he asks, hand still on your cheek, gently brushing away snowflakes before they melt. you smile.

“i thought you hated me,” it almost sounds like a question and your brow furrows when he clicks his tongue.

“have you ever heard about the concept of quiet, introverted people who feel highly intimidated by awesome, funny, pretty people?”

you laugh, finally presented with the answer to the question that most replayed in your head

“take me on a date, hilarious, quiet, handsome guy”

he blushes and you know he’ll blame it on the cold, but only brushes his nose against yours

and to think you thought he couldn’t stand you mere hours ago

now he’s here, making your heart melt like snow upon touching his perfect skin

258 notes · View notes

joelmillers-whore · 1 year

Text

I've Got Nothing Left To Hide

summary: it has been a month since your injury, of taking it slow, and helping your father out more. and you’re sick of it. ever since you fully recovered you saw less and less of joel. actually, both miller brothers seem to be avoiding you and you’re determined to find out why.

pairing: joel miller x reader, tommy & reader (platonic)

word count: 3.5K

series or one-shot

warnings: mature, language, cock-blocker tommy, joel x female!reader, no mention of Y/N, canon timeline (sort of), jackson era, post-outbreak, slight angst, joel avoiding his feelings, ends on a cliffhanger (sorry not sorry)

A/N: got a little carried away. again. i am so thrilled that ya’ll wanted another part of this. i was hoping that you would because i had so much fun writing it. so, here we go. i was kind of going for more background on the whole dynamic between reader and joel and reader and tommy. it’s not super joel x reader heavy but i think i’m going to do anther part and explore their relationship more. let me know what ya’ll think of this part, i would love to hear some feedback or some ideas for other parts. thank you <3

read the prequel here

Spring was officially on the way. Every time you stepped outside, you spotted a new sign that Mother Nature was giving you. Like last week, in the middle of your daily walk around town, you’d stopped and looked down, seeing a patch of half-frozen grass at your feet, the beginnings of vibrant green peeking out of the snow.

For as much as you couldn't wait until it was spring, there was still more winter to be had. A crisp chill still clung to the air, which made you wrap your worn sheep-wool jacket tighter around your body.

You unlatched the bar of wood that was slotted in place across the solid, wooden door of the church, pushing the doors open and taking a deep breath when the air hit your lungs. You’d been breathing in stale air the whole day, so this was a welcome relief.

You took a step back, taking in the view of the town from your elevated advantage. Your eyes snagged on the clinic across the street, reminding you that it hadn’t been that long since you’d been back home.

You snapped your eyes shut, suddenly overwhelmed by the memories, the screaming, the pain. Your heartbeat was erratic, your breathing coming out harsher as your mind assaulted you with images that you’d tried hard to forget.

It was like you had been transported back in time and you felt weak, unable to protect yourself from the looming threat. You clenched your teeth, making your jaw ache. You’re safe. You’re not in that cabin anymore. You’re home.

You never wanted to feel that helpless again, and you were determined not to, if anyone ever let you out of your gilded cage. Tommy and your father had taken it upon themselves to make every decision regarding your safety without consulting the one person that it would affect the most; you. It was driving you to the edge of madness.

They were always keeping an eye on you, making sure that at least one of them was with you at all times. You’d made one mistake, one small fucking mistake, and now you were paying for it. As if the scar above your belly button wasn’t enough proof.

Tommy had restricted your duties and practically barred you from going out on patrol, in no uncertain terms. And your father had been all too happy to jump at the opportunity, insisting that you could be of more use to him and the community if you helped out around the church.

He was obvious in how he wanted you to follow in his footsteps and one day take over as minister of the church, but that was the last thing that you wanted.

You wanted freedom, something different, more adventure. Not being chained to a pulpit for the rest of your life, however long that might be. But your father was the only family you had left, ever since the end of the world. It had been you and him, and you’d be remiss if you didn’t at least try to make an effort. You and your father had come a long way since arriving in town.

You could remember the day vividly when Tommy had found you both just outside of Jackson, starving, bloody, and bruised. He had asked what either of you could bring to their community, in terms of skills. You had been surprised when he’d accepted you, your father’s only skill being that he was a minister before the outbreak.

But Tommy, being Tommy had seen past that. Seen past the lack of skills and past the teenager who was afraid of her own shadow.

Aside from giving the folks of Jackson a distraction, some way to rationalize the direction the world was heading, you both couldn’t be much use to them. The old man and the kid. But again, the people of Jackson had surprised you, making you feel welcome quickly. It wasn’t for free, while you found your footing, you had also done your part to help out around town.

Even at sixteen, Tommy and Maria had treated you better than some of the adults in town had a first. You were someone, even back then, who wasn’t trusting when it came to new people. You’d had your guard up at all times, starting fights with other kids your age until Tommy had stepped in.

He had taken you under his wing, not pushing you to open up, but more so guided you and gave you the space so that in your own time you came around. He’s nurtured you and taught you useful skills; mainly how to hold and shoot a gun.

It wasn’t long before you were tagging along on patrol, Tommy claiming that you were a natural, and slowly building up the courage to leave town on your own, or with your own patrol partner. He had built you up from a volatile kid who could barely throw a punch, to someone who could take down a fully grown man in under two minutes.

You couldn’t give him all the credit though, you’d worked your ass off, turning yourself into a human weapon. Refined and deadly. There wasn’t a day that went by when you didn’t think about how grateful you were that he had taken a chance on you and your father.

Years had passed since you had first arrived in Jackson, but those lessons that Tommy had instilled in you still remained. A hoarse voice called your name, pulling you from your reminiscent thoughts, and making you turn toward it. It was your father. He was walking toward you, the slight limp on his right side more prominent now than it had been back then.

Your face dropped as he approached, emotion bubbling in your throat when you looked at him. His skin was almost translucent, pale when the light hit it. And the colour of his eyes dulled as each year came and went, the weathered crinkles on the edges deepening whenever he smiled or laughed.

You couldn’t stop yourself from taking him in, hoping to save a mental snapshot of him while he was still here.

Realistically, you knew that he didn’t have much time left, but the unrealistic part of yourself, the part that wanted him to last forever, ignored the realism and gave him a smile. No matter how many times you told him to take it easy, and remind him that he wasn’t fifty anymore, he wouldn’t hear it.

He’d brush you off and mumble something about how age was just a number. He didn’t want you to worry about him, he’d said. And you would drop it, carrying on like nothing was wrong.

As your father approached you, he gripped the back of a pew, putting all of his weight onto it as if it was a struggle to stand. Your eyes dipped to his hand, but his voice brought you back.

“Everything okay?”, he asked.

You exhaled an annoyed puff of air. If there was a running tally of how many times in the past month your father asked you how you were, it would probably venture in the thousands. He was being overprotective and it was getting on your last nerve.

You appreciated that he cared about you but at a certain point, it was too much. Between both him and Tommy, you were one more question away from ripping your hair out.

“Fine”, you replied, snippily. You cleared your throat harshly, your telltale sign that you wanted to move on from the topic of conversation.

Your father’s face softened, noticing how you were folding in on yourself, avoiding his eyes, making yourself almost invisible. You were uncomfortable.

“You seen Tommy today?”, he asked, changing the subject.

You shook your head, surprisingly, you hadn’t. Which wasn’t out of the norm, Tommy was a busy guy and you understood the shift in his priorities as the community continued to grow. But lately, he had been checking in on you more and more, even since you’d gotten injured while on patrol.

You sighed, letting yourself think back to what had transpired after Joel had gotten you back to Jackson. Joel. You could still feel the ghost of his deft fingers trailing your arms, the contrast of his callouses and the softness of his touch as he held you close to your body, cradling you like you were something precious.

Your mind had blocked out a lot from the incident, preventing you from remembering key details. But you remembered Joel.

You remembered his strong arms helping you onto his horse, or the way that his lips melded with yours as you kissed him in the clinic. You brought two fingers to your lips, trying to memorialize how it felt to finally kiss Joel. His gruff voice echoed in your mind, constantly on a loop of we’re almost home and hold on a little longer and don’t give up yet, darlin’.

Somehow, through the delirious fog, it had been his voice that broke through and it was the one thing that had tethered you to this world, not letting you leave just yet.

That had been the bulk of what you remembered, aside from the searing pain in your stomach from the stab wound. You could thank those fucking raiders for that one.

To your surprise, it hadn’t taken all that long for the wound itself to heal, the patch of skin now only an ugly and scarred reminder of how you couldn’t ever have your guard down like that again.

According to the doctor, Joel had gotten you back to Jackson just in time. He had said that if he had waited longer you probably wouldn’t have made it. You hadn’t been prepared to hear that, to hear that you had been that close to death.

Before you’d had a chance to spiral after hearing that cheery news, Joel had returned to his side. Stoic as ever. You’d smelled him before you had seen him, his familiar musk invading your senses wholly and completely.

You had spotted him almost immediately, meeting his huge brown eyes that, to your surprise, had already been on you. You’d been harbouring a crush on Joel for the better part of a year, Tommy insisting that you become his new patrol partner recently hadn’t helped much in quelling it either.

You’d thought that things had progressed with Joel, you’d broken through his hard exterior to the point that he now laughed at your jokes, cracking some of his own in return, and he seemed like he enjoyed your company enough when you were alone for long stretches of silence during patrol.

But now, a month after your injury, when you had kissed him and he had kissed you back, he seemed as distant as when you had first partnered up with him. And it was eating at you. You thought you had been on the same page, but clearly, you hadn’t been.

Your stomach twisted into knots when you thought about it. You couldn’t help thinking that you had fucked everything up between you.

Maybe he had just been nice, kissing you back, telling you that it had been okay, comforting you. Maybe you were reading into a simple kiss between friends.

But why then would he tell you that he wanted to kiss you? Ever since the doctor had released you, you hadn’t seen Joel around. Keeping in line with the he-was-avoiding-you train of thought.

You and Joel were friends, even though he would never admit it out loud, and you needed to confront him. If only for your own piece of mind. Your father called your name again.

“Sorry”, you mumbled, “Did you say something?”.

“All I said was that you should go take a walk around town, get some air”.

Your brows furrowed. He had been keeping a close eye on you for weeks, and now suddenly he was suggesting that you take a walk, alone. Was he trying to get rid of you?

“Why?”, you asked, skepticism lining your tone.

“You’ve been attached to my hip all day, girl. Maybe go down to the market, find us something for dinner”, he paused, rubbing his chin, “Or go find Tommy”.

And there it was. If wasn’t him keeping an eye on you, it was Tommy. You crossed your arms over your chest. An idea sparked as you thought more about your walk.

“Fine”, you started, leaning forward and pecking his cheek. “Be back soon”.

“Don’t rush”, your father called out as you crossed the church threshold.

You had been walking around town for about ten minutes, casting a tight-lined smile at anyone you passed. Your cheeks were numb, the harsh winter wind nipping at them as you continued walking through town, passing by the Tipsy Bison. You stopped in your tracks.

Would it be weird if you happened to stop by Joel’s house?

You bit your bottom lip, rolling it between your teeth. You debated the idea for all of a minute before you changed your direction, pushing the self-doubt aside as you made your way to Joel’s house. Before you knew it, you were on his front porch, inches from his door.

You were about to knock when your fist froze midway, you were hesitating. What if Joel didn’t want to see you? What if he was avoiding you for a reason?

You began to step back, your foot finding the first step, backing away slowly. Suddenly, the door whipped open and you were knocked off balance from seeing Joel, literally. You fell back, over the steps and landed on your back in the cold snow.

“Shit”, Joel mumbled, rushing toward you.

Your face was burning from embarrassment as Joel kneeled down beside you. You chuckled awkwardly, propping yourself up on your elbow. His hand rested on your knee, the sensation causing an unexpected jolt in your body.

Joel’s grip on your knee tightened ever so slightly, but he didn’t look away from your face, concentrating solely on you.

He let out a steady puff of air, “You okay?”.

You let your head fall back, chuckling humourlessly. God, could anyone ask you anything different?

You looked back at Joel, who was staring at you peculiarly, his eyes squinting.

“Peachy”, you responded, an edge to your voice.

Joel straightened, extending a hand to you. But you ignored it, getting to your feet without his help. He took a step back from you, doing so almost cautiously.

His broad frame towered over you, watching your every move as you dusted the snow off of yourself. Joel’s hands were now stuffed inside the pockets of his jeans, eyes boring into you.

“You sure?”, he asked.

You took a step forward so that you were a breath away from him. Your chest grazed his, and his breathing stuttered, the air around you suddenly thick and charged. His chest was solid and firm, your mind running rampant with the memory of it pressed against your body. You could see the way his jaw ticked as he looked down at you, the pressure looking like it could shatter his teeth at any minute.

You felt the heat of his stare, but you didn’t dare meet his eyes, your irritation too fresh to be stamped out by one heady look from him.

“Why do you care? Not like you’ve bothered to check up on me lately”.

Joel’s face fell and you instantly regretted your words. He didn’t deserve that and you didn’t know why you were lashing out at him.

“I know. ‘M sorry”, he said, his voice strained.

You finally met his face, those big, brown eyes gleaming with something you couldn’t place, something that resembled sadness. Or regret.

“Then why did you stay away?”.

He swallowed thickly and you watched his Adam’s apple bob, an unsure look on his face. His one hand went to the back of his head, rubbing nervously. Joel Miller was nervous and that made you smirk, you doubted anything made him nervous.

“I didn’t want to”, he started, inching closer to you, in hands flying to your hips. A tiny gasp left you at the contact, the skin underneath his hand burning, even though you were wearing three layers. “But I wanted to give you some space”.

A beat lingered between you before you spoke. “I don’t want any more space”.

Joel groaned, his eyes snapping shut as you let your hand drift to his beard, the scratchiness making your fingertips tingle. Your heart was hammering in your chest, your lips closing in on his mouth. You wanted to kiss him, you needed to.

It felt like you had been deprived of oxygen this whole month, waiting for that moment when you could breathe again.

Joel’s fingers grazed your chin, tilting your face closer to his. You could feel his hot breath fan your face, making you shiver in anticipation.

“Joel!”, a loud, booming voice echoed from behind you both.

He withdrew from you quickly, putting distance between the two of you. Your heart was in your throat, your nerves on fire, leaving you breathless once again. But it wasn’t in the way that you wanted. Disappointment filled you as Tommy came into view.

His eyes found yours momentarily before they settled on Joel, giving him a look that you couldn’t quite decipher.

He softened his features as he focused back on you, throwing an arm around your shoulders and tucking you into his side.

“Hey, you”, you said.

You smiled tightly at him, feeling the awkwardness flush your cheeks, “Hi”.

“Mind if I steal her away?”, Tommy directed at Joel, who wordlessly shook his head, eyes on Tommy and not on you.

You deflated further as Tommy led you away from his brother, and back into the heart of town. You looked back, watching the tail end of Joel disappearing back into his house.

You shrugged out of Tommy’s hold, watching as he put his hands in his pockets instead, not saying a word to you.

“What do you need?”, you asked.

He looked at you strangely before he connected the dots.

“Oh, nothin’ really. Just thought I could walk you back home”.

You gawked at him, stopping in your tracks as he continued on, not taking notice of how you had stopped. When he did notice, he looked back, confusion muddling his features. You arched a brow.

“So, you just happened to stumble upon me when I was with Joel and decided I needed to be walked home?”, you asked, annoyance lacing every word.

Tommy wasn’t one to beat around the bush.

“What do you want me to say?”, he said, an exasperated sigh leaving him, his arms thrown up dramatically.

“I want a straight answer, for starters”.

He paused for a moment and you thought that he would blow you off, tell you that you were being a child and reading into things. But when he didn’t, you were surprised.

“Honestly, I don’t think it's a good idea for you two to be spendin’ time together”, he started, taking a breath, “And from what I just saw, I don’t think your Daddy would take too kindly to the idea either”.

Now your blood was boiling. Where did Tommy get off talking to you like that? Telling you who you could and couldn’t spend time with. You marched up to him, poking a finger into his chest.

“I am an adult, Tommy. And contrary to popular belief, I can handle my own. So, I don’t think you should be poking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Because if you keep it up, we’re going to have some problems, Miller”.

Tommy opened his mouth to say something but you were gone before he had the chance to say anything, stomping all the way back to your house, a cloud of anger and indignation burrowing in your gut. You pulled open your front door, seeing your father in his comfy chair by the fireplace. You mumbled a hello and locked yourself in your room.

You were pacing, your feet wearing a hole in the hardwood. You stopped, an idea forming. A wicked, tempting fate idea. You dashed to your door, pausing a moment to listen for any indication of your father. The house was silent save for the usual groaning and creaking.

Before you could change your mind, you pulled open your door, and sprinted out of the house and back toward Joel’s. You’d made it to the other side of town in record time, your chest heaving as you tried to level out your breathing.

You pounded on his door, waiting for him to answer it. When he did, you swallowed thickly, eying the way his shirt was pulled tautly over his chest. You licked your lips subconsciously, not missing the way that Joel’s gaze dipped to them.

“Can I come in?”, you asked, breathless.

Joel hesitated, hand gripping the door above his head tightly, his knuckles whitening from the pressure. He seemed to be mulling the idea over in his head.

You expected him to turn you away, to tell you that it was a bad idea that you were at his house so late, that people in town would get the wrong idea about you and him.

But you were past the point of caring, you were past the point of holding back.

“Yeah, come on in, darlin’”.

287 notes · View notes

so-long-soldier-writes · 1 year

Text

~ updated: 6/15/24

~ read tags before reading; each fic is thoroughly tagged

~ back to masterlist

✨ ~ fluff

🖤 ~ smut

⛓️ ~ dark &/or kink themes

💚 ~ angst

🌈 ~ fun themes

• never let me go ~ (here) (ao3) 💚✨

you're getting used to the coldness in your apartment. the chill that lingers in the air, the absence of his presence. for four months you wait for him, willing for the past and cursing those who've altered your future; wishing for the way things used to be, and hoping they wouldn't be lost beyond repair. but the next time you see him, out on your doorstep, you realize you can't just pick up the pieces, you have to restart the whole puzzle. (heretic!kai) pt. 2 ~ (here) (ao3) pt. 3 - (here) (ao3)

• gorgeous ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🖤

troubled by his own body, kai's afraid to go all the way with you. that is, until you confess you love him regardless of the way he looks, giving him just the confidence he's needed all along. (tw: implied abuse & s3lf h4rm) (virgin!kai)

• anatomy class ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤

kai + magic + boredom = trouble (high school au / both 18+)

• dog days are over ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️💚✨

the post-wedding heartbreak never ceases. without him, life seems to lose its meaning. but despite your best efforts to depart and chase the void that seems to call to you, somehow you're held back. someone refuses to let you go. (tw: sui attempt)

• feeding 101 ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

damon was a great teacher during elena's transition, but he's less than helpful when kai escapes hell and needs to feed. luckily, you're there at the right place, right time, and offer to teach him, (much to damon's disapproval). (heretic!kai)

• teensy little crush ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

you have a crush on kai you haven't been able to shake for weeks. unfortunately, you're too shy to do anything about it, either. but luckily, elena steps in with a plan, and helps you win over the witch's heart.

• the agreement ~ (here) (ao3) ✨💚(ish)

helping kai adjust to a normal life has its ups and downs, but he, of course, always wins in the end.

• good morning ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️🖤✨

you and kai make an agreement to wake each other up one morning when the other's least expecting it. it has an… unexpected outcome. (tw: cnc / somnophilia)

• flying monkeys ~ (here) (ao3) 🌈

kai mentions in passing that he can fly a plane. you challenge him to prove it.

• new year's kiss ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

it's tradition for new year's to start with a kiss… just like it's tradition to kiss under a mistletoe. and unfortunately, as traditional as mystic falls is, there's no way out but through

• of mice and... heretics? ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

of all the problems to have in mystic falls, yours is mice... luckily, kai comes to the rescue (heretic!kai) (soft!kai)

• red ~ (here) (ao3) 💚✨

for forty years, kai only knew three shades of red. however, he finally finds his fourth and favorite the year he settles into a new life in mystic falls.

• bar shots ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤

your newest coworker takes his staring problem further up a notch.

• little wolf ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

kai bonds with the girl that lives down the hall from him in the boarding house. (wolf!reader)

• airport troubles ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤✨

you face some trouble with TSA while trying to catch your flight. the suspicious agent uses some unconventional methods to get the truth out of you.

• stormy weather ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️✨

the rule is always the same: thirty minutes after it storms, kai can spend some time outside. that's when most people are still in their homes and it's too muddy for the children to go out yet. though this time, his father bends the rule, just a little, and lets his son out one wet, chilly afternoon. it just so happens that something bad is about to go down at that very same time, and luckily, kai is there to protect her. (tw: s3lf h4rm)

• our little secret ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤

you should've known wearing a short little skirt would rile him up. but then again... maybe you did it on purpose. (80s!step-brother!kai)

• make me a promise, please? ~ (here) (ao3) ✨💚 | requested

sometimes the easiest way to deal with pain is to feel it upon your skin. but of course, there's consequences to that. for years, you've been able to hide your scars, though, as you'll quickly discover, you can't hide the truth from your boyfriend for long.

• more than friends ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🖤

your "more than friends" status with kai is revealed when you lose hold of a silencing spell. jo, of course, has a lot to say about it. (80s!kai x witch!reader)

• his for eternity ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🖤⛓️💚 | requested

alaric steals a gemini grimoire, summoning you and kai back to mystic falls. trying to get it back proves to be a challenge with a risk kai’s not willing to take. (heretic!kai) (witch!reader)

• drunk words are sober thoughts ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

of course, on the night all your friends are hooking up, you get too drunk to take yourself home. walking home at night, drunk, and in mystic falls is not something on your bucket list, and to make matters worse, you can't help but feel a pair of eyes on you from a distance. so, feeling desperate, you call the contact given to you "for emergencies only," and hope that he shows.

• best cure for boredom ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤⛓️

you text your boyfriend, bored in class and looking for entertainment, but instead catch him in one of his needier moments. after two seconds of debate, you decide you have nothing better to do than to help him.

• favorite sociopath ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

damon and bonnie leave you in charge of babysitting kai. you accept willingly as time to get to know him.

• almost caught ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🖤

innocent cuddling turns into something more on one of the few nights a week joshua parker lets you spend alone time with kai. who can blame you, as strict as he is?

• bloodlust ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤⛓️

part of you knew it was wishful thinking to believe vampires couldn't sense period blood. your heretic best friend proves that true when he comes over to see you. in fact, to him, it smells even sweeter than the blood you normally offer, and he practically begs you for a taste. (heretic!kai) (virgin!kai)

• brooklyn ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

kai finds you wearing his shirt.

• see you at seven ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️

you let kai feed off you for the first time. (heretic!kai)

• go to hell ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤⛓️

there's nothing like waking up realizing you've been kidnapped by mystic falls' own sociopath, malachai parker. will this day end with your blood on his hands, or will his sweet spot for you save your life? (tw: cnc)

• love bite ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️

a make-out session gets heated. kinks are explored. a friends' dinner reveals all.

• nightmares ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

after three straight days of kai having nightmares, you can't take the cries anymore and need to intervene.

• he’s like a puppy ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

an argument starts up when damon and bonnie return to the boarding house to find you and kai spending time together. it goes south when you start to defend kai against your friends' remarks.

#1 - stomach ache ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

kai comforting you when you have a stomach ache

#2 - pink starbursts ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

listening to caroline plan a party gets boring. kai finds a way to entertain himself.

#3 - can’t help that i love you ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

while you and kai aren't necessarily in a relationship, no one can ignore the way you are together. it started with kai's nightmares, bringing you to his side for nightly comfort. soon, gentle touches on his back led to full blown hugs and forehead kisses; simple conversation turned to long talks, and you're only getting closer every day. kai feels safe with you, and you're falling for him. maybe he's falling for you, too. this is why your "thing" needs to stop. right now. (soft!kai)

#4 - the dinner party ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤(minor ⛓️)

ten minutes before company arrives. five to finish up, two to clean up, one to fix your hair, and the last two to occupy yourself with something inconspicuous. a perfect amount of time. let's just hope they don't show up early...

#5 - stupid, sad movie ~ (here) (ao3) ✨

since kai missed out on over a decade of movies, you now spend your nights watching the best ones. tonight's movie: titanic. (soft!kai)

#6 - “i took his virginity” ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

you should've known kol would find out about your new boyfriend before you'd be able to tell him yourself. luckily, you're able to talk him into accepting kai, as long as he treats you right. (best friend!kol mikaelson x reader)

#7 - kissing disease ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

despite the deal he had made with her several weeks ago, kai needs his sister for her medical opinion, again.

#8 - jumpscares ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

kai has the worst timing for wanting your attention (best friend!kai)

#9 - hope ~ (here) (ao3) ✨⛓️

kai notices your scars. (tw: s3lf h4rm)

#10 - aphrodisiac ~ (here) (ao3) ✨🌈

you can only listen to damon ramble on for so long before you lose focus. unfortunately, this time, your zoning out manages to cause maximum embarrassment when the rest of the group follows your line of sight.

#11 - sinful ~ (here) (ao3) 🖤

shoe humping with kai... specifically, those old 1994 converse

#12 - kiss on the cheek ~ (here)✨

kai receiving a kiss on the cheek would have no freaking clue what to do with himself.

• dating yandere!kai ~ (here) ⛓️✨

• heretic kai x accident prone reader ~ (here) ✨

• driving lessons ~ (here) 🌈

• kai’s sex life ~ (here) 🖤⛓️

• king!kai / royalty au ~ (here) 🌈

• demon!kai x angel!reader // angel!kai x demon!reader ~ (here) 🖤⛓️

• how he would be academically / intelligence-wise ~ (here) [n/r]

• childhood best friends to lovers ~ (here) ✨💚

• werewolf alpha kai // kai's demigod parent (pjo) ~ (here) 🖤🌈

• kai with a lip ring ~ (here) 🖤(mild)

• body swap au ~ (here) 🌈

• comfort ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️

a flashback to his childhood. a terrifying memory he thought he had repressed. | pre-1994 | (tw: [non-graphic] non-consent)

• the dog ~ (here) (ao3) ⛓️

kai hates the family dog. | pre-1994 | (tw: violence)

#masterlist #malachai parker x reader #kai parker x reader #kai parker #tvd fanfiction #kai parker fluff #kai parker smut #kai parker drabbles #kai parker headcanons #kai parker oneshot

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yagirlwrites · 2 years

Text

(Not) My Baby (3)

Pairing: college! Rafe Cameron x Reader

Synopsys: Rafe struggles to explain himself and Y/N struggles to deal with the situation he put her in. Her best friend is there to comfort her in the aftermath.

Warnings: Angst

A/N: Hi y'all! I'm so sorry this took so damn long to update! I hope it's enjoyable enough and people still care about this little story! I do intend to write this series out completely, I have not given up on it! But life be a bitch and I be busy, unfortunately. I hope y'all like this part and as always let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist

My work is my own; it's not to be copied, transferred or translated (but reblogs are welcome).

Happy reading! 🥰

(Not) My Baby (Part 3)

Stella walked through the door after a long afternoon of classes, ready to plop down on the couch and chill hard. Walking into the livingroom she greeted out a cheery "Honey, I'm home!" followed by a chuckle. She expected to be welcomed with an eyeroll from /Y/N or a silly comment from Lena but she was met with silence.

Y/N was sitting on the couch - a melted pint of Ben & Jerry's on the table, seemingly untouched - staring at the TV screen with a far away look in her eye. She hadn't even noticed Stella's arrival.

"Peach?" Stella's voice was quiet, catious, unsure of what was going on. Her worry only grew once she realized Y/N still wasn't acknowledging her. She approached her gently, laying an uncertain hand on her shoulder and calling her name again.

Y/N snapped out of her thoughts with a start, confused and disoriented for a few seconds untill she realized who was touching her and where she was. The darkness was slowly setting in outside, accompanied by the twinkling of lights. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, staring at nothing.

"Are you okay, Peach?" She finally met Stella's eye and shook off her haze.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Pumpkin" she replied with a small smile.

Their nicknames for each other had been a staple of their friendship since freshman year. That first semester, the dorm they had shared had been a mess. The mysterious stench that could never be placed constantly plaguing them. They were forced to light scented candles to neutralize it. Y/N's favourite was the Peach scented one her mother made for her before she left for college. Stella's choice was always Pumpkin Spice, no matter what the season was. One day the nicknames came up and they hadn't left them since. The memory always made her smile.

"You don't seem okay." Her friend wore a concerned look and she sighed. She didn't even know how to begin to explain to her what was wrong. Physically she had been on that couch for hours, but her mind was still at the sandwich bar... with him.

"Something weird happened today..." She started talking, hoping that if she managed to explain it to Stella she might start to make sense of it herself.

-----

"Are you gonna say something?" His voice broke her staredown with the glass of water on the table in front of her. She hadn't moved a muscle for several minutes, trying and failing to process his words.

His family thought they were a couple. And it was because of him. He told a boldfaced lie and implicated her in it. How the hell does she react to that?

"Why?" Her voice startled him when she finaly spoke. He was freaking out big time. How the hell could he explain it without sounding like a dick? He couldn't. If she didn't before, she will definitely hate him now.

"I -" he trailed off, not being able to meet her eye. The words weren't coming no matter how hard he willed them to. Just say something, idiot!

Her focus was on him again and he didn't know if that freaked him out more or less than her disasociation from earlier. She was staring. Waiting. He wasn't even sure she was blinking. He tried wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, but it didn't help.

"My family..." he looked up at her, making sure she was still listening and not getting ready to run.

"My family is complicated. I've been dodging the talk about girlfriends and relationships for as long as I could... But then they started pestering me about this wedding and my stepmom was talking about these different girls" he scoffed "options, she called them. Options for dates for the wedding. And I tried, I really tried to get them to drop it but then my dad got angry because I wasn't taking things seriously and he started going on about how immature I am that I can't even have a single relationship work and how embarrasing it is having to set me up with these dates and I just -"

He had been speaking so fast she was struggling to keep up, the story spilling from his lips as if he had been holding it in for ages. She supposed he had. The way he made his family sound was making her skin crawl.

"I just cracked." His eyes were glossy, and if she didn't know any better she'd think he was on the verge of tears.

"I told them I have a girlfriend." He took a big gulp of his sweet tea, trying to calm his skipping heart. He felt ill, like he was going to pass out from telling her all of this. But she gave him no choice.

"Okay..." she broke the silence when it became clear he wasn't going to continue. He still hadn't explained why she was involved and that's exacly what she told him. He was playing with his hands on the table again, cheeks flushed and beads of sweat forming on his brow. He looked rough.

"Once I said it, I couldn't take it back. But then they started demanding to know 'who she was' and 'why I hadn't told them' and 'how long we've been together' and they kept-" he closed his eyes then.

"They kept asking : 'Whats her name? Who is it?' over and over and I just... your name slipped out."

----

"He what?!" Stella had been listening to the story with bathed breath untill that moment. Y/N sighed and repeated herself.

"He told them we're together..." Her hands met her face as she exhaled. This was not helping at all. She supposed it was wishful thinking that it might.

"What the fuck?" Stella took a large sip from her wine glass - having at some point during the recounting of Y/N's day decided she needed to pour them both a drink.

"Exactly." Y/N leaned her head back over the couch and closed her eyes, trying and failing to push away the oncoming headache. She could feel the pulsing in her ears. This was a mess. She had no clue what to do about it. So she took another sip of the Pinot.

"So what did you say?" Stella was holding onto the wine glass with an iron grip, the situation making every nerve in her body buzz with anticipation and trepidation. Completely bewildered but secretly loving the drama.

She had always thought the two had a weird relationship. Even though her friend would kill her if she knew she thought of the word 'relationship' pertaining to them in the first place. She knew he had left a mark on the girl, having witnessed the way they acted around each other. He pushed all her buttons and Y/N never hesitated to throw back what she got. But Stella never knew the full extent of it and she wondered if this was a blessing or a curse.

On the one hand, there was always an insane ammount of sexual tension between Y/N and Rafe. Everyone thought so but no one dared say it, not willing to risk life and limb from the pair. Maybe this could be what tips over the glass and they finally resolve whatever is going on between them. Or, more likely, it would end in blood and tears. It was one of the two, Stella was sure of it.

"I don't know..." Y/N trailed off, looking awkward as hell.

"You don't know what you said?" Stella was looking at her with disbelief. What did that even mean?

"I just... I freaked out. Okay?" Y/N's voice held a note of panic and embarrassment and Stella could not help herself, leaning over, now on the edge of her seat.

"Freaked out how?"

----

"What do you mean 'my name slipped out'?" Her voice was incredulous. He'd put her in a terrible position without a second thought. It made her cheeks flush with anger again.

"It just slipped out, okay? I didn't plan it. It just happened!" He was tripping over his words with how fast he was talking. It felt like everything was falling appart and he had no idea how to fix it. If he even could anymore.

Y/N was shaking her head, eyes wide as the realisation of exactly what he had done finally sunk in. And then she lost the plot a little bit, she'll admit.

"I'm sorry. Okay? I never meant for it to happen. But then once it was out there I couldn't take it back. I couldn't tell them I lied! My dad would never let me live it down, he'd never let me forget..." He trailed off from his rambling then.

As he had been speaking, Y/N had reached over and grabbed the sandwich off his plate and was currently munching down on it, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Did you just... take my sandwich?" He didn't even mean to speek, the bizzarity of the situation just making his words slip out. She looked at him then and there was a spark of anger in her eyes that made him gulp.

"Yeah... yeah! I did take your sandwich." She took another bite, maintaining eye contact. She knew it was childish but she'd be damned if she apologized now.

"I eat when I'm stressed. This is making me very stressed." She spoke as she grabbed his tea and then proceeded to down half of it. He was completely bewildered at what was happening.

"That's..." he trailed off, trying to move on from this weird moment, while she chewed on his lunch.

"Look it - it doesn't matter. If you could just see it from my perspective you'd understand-"

"Understand what?" She interrupted, voice eerily cold. "Understand that after being a dick to me for years, you decided to involve me in your family drama that has nothing to do with me? To lie about us being a couple? Not only that but you expect me to help you keep up the lie!? Go to a wedding? Are you actually insane?"

She was getting angrier by the second. How dare he? After everything, after how he treated her... to go and pull something like this? It was unbelievable. Selfish. Egoistic. So very him, after all. She scoffed at the realisation.

"You know what?" He was looking at her with big pleading eyes as she stood from her seat.

"I don't need this." She grabbed her stuff and made to leave.

"Please, Y/N!" His hand wrapped around her wrist again and she saw red.

"Take your fucking hand off me." He raised his hands up in surrender, fear in his eyes. He had really fucked this up big time. He didn't even know why he thought this would go any differently.

"Please..." His pleading voice and those big eyes made a funny feeling she couldn't decipher blossom in her stomach. She was frozen in place.

"Please, just think about it? Please?" Her face softened some at his pathetic state. Why was this act pulling on her heartstrings?

"I - I need you." He was fighting so hard not to touch her, to pull her to him and beg her. He was so close to getting down on his knees when she spoke.

"Fine. I'll think about it." Her words were quiet and for a moment he thought he imagined them, but the sincere look in her eyes made him realize it was true. He didn't expect that.

She didn't expect that. She couldn't believe she folded like that. As soon as he brought out the sad eyes she was acting like a fucking idiot. She wanted to slap herself but instead she settled for turning and walking away from him. Angry. Sad. More confused than she'd ever been in her life.

----

Stella was sitting there, mouth agape. Y/N finally stopped avoiding her eyes and looked at her friend. She wanted to disappear. For the ground to swallow her up. She felt so drained and lost and now, once again, embarrassed.

"You stole his sandwich?" Stella was visibly holding back a laugh and Y/N couldn't stop the eye roll. Of course she would focus on that.

"Piss off." She got up to put her glass in the sink, trying to settle her heart from reliving the day. Stella followed, completely unphased by the girl snapping at her.

"Okay, so what are you gonna do?" Y/N took a deep breath and looked at her friend. Stella finally realized how tired Y/N looked and that it was probably taking a lot more out of her than she had picked up on. She got lost in the drama of it all but her friend was really stressed.

"You know what? We can worry about that tomorrow. Okay?" Y/N let out a breath of relief, even if it was a small one.

"What do you say we get into your bed and put on netflix, like we used to?" Y/N gave a small smile and a nod at that and Stella wrapped her arm around her, leading them towards her room. "I'll heat up the leftovers from last night and we can cozy up, yeah?"

Y/N agreed. Even thought she had planned to make a nice dinner tonight she knew she had no energy. Yet another thing Rafe had ruined today. Left over cheesy pasta would have to take on the difficult job of trying to soothe her. She knew it wouldn't succeed though. It couldn't possibly. She was fucked on so many levels and she had no idea how to move forward.

But for tonight, it didn't matter. Simon Bassett and his dreamy forearms were the only thing she needed to focus on tonight. That and the feel of her friend holding her in a comforting embrace, making her smile. She was glad to have Stella by her side, no matter what. And before she drifted into dream land, she realised that as long as she had her friends she would be just fine. She always was. Rafe couldn't ruin that.

---

Taglist: if anyone wants to be tagged in future work let me know; @r0und3bitch @tee-swizzle @wishing-i-was-rafes-princess @goldenjo @kanib45 @clinelyn @magnificantmermaid @mannstarkey @harringtonstudios @totallynotkaibiased @popcrone818 @fangirlwithlou @rafesxgold @cmac-writes @malfoytargaryen @alinaharlow @buggy-d-chopper @withbeautyandrage @sierrahhh @harrys-humble-housewife

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katzu919 · 2 years

Note

helloo how are youuuuu ok so if its chill with you can you write some angst about ayato's bf moving back to mondstadt because they got into a fight BUT BUT BUT then like the reader comes back 3 years later for business and they becomes bfs again. feel free to ignore this BUT IF UR CHILL WITH IT CAN I BE UR 😦 ANON?

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

You couldn’t deal with it anymore. You made your way to the docks, planning on getting a trip back to Mondstadt, your homeland. You and Ayato had gotten into a fight again and you couldn't handle waiting around for another one. The docks were more bare than you thought they would be but it didn't bother you too much, less people to explain too as to why you were leaving.

You boarded the ship with little to no issue and made yourself as comfortable as you could. You looked over the land you had made your home with Ayato. A small part of you hoped he would come running to the docks, stopping you from leaving though you knew that wouldn't happen. He had more important issues to attend to anyway. You let out a sigh and turned your back and made your way below deck, leaving Ayato and the life you built behind.

You froze, about to turn around and go a different way when he called out to you. “(Y/N).” He had a shocked look on his face, like you were the last person he would expect to see, standing in the light that the setting sun was casting. He slowly took a step forward then another and before either of you knew it he was standing in front of you.

“Ayato.” You whispered. You had no idea what to say to him.

“I thought I would never see you again.” His voice was breathy. “I didn’t know you left Inazuma until the morning after, when I couldn’t find you.” You felt your heart squeeze painfully. No matter how much you told yourself you didn’t, you still loved him.

You inhaled shakily before wrapping your arms around him. You couldn't think of anything to say. Should you apologise? Does he even want your affection? But before you could spiral more he wrapped his arms around you. You both stood there for a bit before Ayato pulled away, keeping his hands on your shoulders.

“Why don’t we go get some tea?”

Maybe being sent for this meeting wasn’t so bad.

I’m so sorry but this is so bad. I couldn’t think of anything and it’s pretty vague :( also sorry this took so long and i could think of a title for this. And one last sorry for any and all grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes.

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #male reader #x reader #genshin impact x male reader #ayato x male reader #ayato x reader #kamisato ayato x reader #kamisato ayato x male reader #😦 anon

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sissytobitch10seconds · 1 year

Text

Pulling Me Under

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows Summary: Kaz has struggled with water his entire life. He didn't expect being caught out in a storm while walking home to be quite so detrimental to him, however. Warnings: Canon-typical Kaz trauma, graphic depictions of panic attacks, graphic descriptions of corpses, and mentions of slavery Word Count: 4,190 Ship(s): Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa/Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck

Archive link!

A/N: Welcome to the first installment of my Polycrows Whumptober collection! This is not affiliated with any groups or pre-set prompt list for either Polycrows or Whumptober because I can never find those and I'm not in groups that make them, haha. I thought that it would be fun to do something during October for them to just kind of get it out of my system and I was in the mood to write angst, which is how this ended up coming into being. I try to always write aftercare into my fics that deal with heavy subjects so even though the focus of these fics is going to be on the angst, there will be care and comfort towards the end of them. Each oneshot will come out on an interval of five (so fifth, tenth, fifteenth, etc.) until the end of the month. Thank you all so much for being willing to check this out and I hope you're prepared to come on this ride with me! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

Kaz looked on at the flames that were licking at the sides of the stone building. They had already caught onto the straw thatch in a beautiful burning blaze, the signature purple that the Dregs used whenever they had to utilize fire during their heists. His heavy overcoat kept out the late spring chill that clung to the ground in the form of dewey droplets, trying to reach out and grasp his legs whenever he held still for too long. His cane was clasped in his hands in front of him, keeping him steady and present.

His heart was racing with giddiness and pride. He hadn’t had the best crew for the mission since his own Crows had been distanced from him recently, but he had still managed to pull it off. He was glad that despite Wylan having to do work with the Merchant Council he was able to provide Kaz with the firepower that he needed to take down the other Barrel Boss. If Kaz had to actually rely on the other explosives expert that he had under his employ then nothing would have gone nearly as well as it did.

He turned slightly when he heard the huffing and puffing of the crew that he had assembled for the job. “Rotty,” he nodded his head towards the other man.

“Boss,” the man in question gasped, bracing himself on his legs. Kaz felt a stir of discontentment at how exhausted his crew already was after such a small heist. It wasn’t like when he had infiltrated the Ice Court, or even some of the smaller jobs that the Crows had to do when they were trying to take down Rollins and Van Eck. Still, he was making due with what he had.

“Well done,” Kaz rasped. He was trying to improve morale and loyalty out of something other than fear like Nina had suggested so that he was less likely to have people that were willing to sell him out now that he was in charge of his own group. After all, what was fear of him if someone was actually torturing one of his men? If they knew that he cared for them in some capacity and would do work to avenge them or get them back, then they would be less likely to spill secrets. He still struggled with the idea that any of the Dregs could be as important as his Crows were, but Nina was right when it came to the inspiring loyalty part.

Roeder and Rotty glanced at each other, both smiling and clapping each other on the back. They were talking in hushed whispers about the praise that they had just received but Kaz could still hear it clearly from where he was standing a few feet away from them. It was infuriating to hear what felt almost like gossip when he was well within earshot, especially when one of the men that was doing it was supposed to be his new spider.

“Make sure that you get back to the Slat before the Stadwatch find out what we did to this place,” he called. He turned on his heel and began to march down the muddy path so that he could get to the trail he had taken to get there. He knew that despite the fact that he was being friendlier with his lackeys, they knew that they weren’t to follow him unless they were explicitly told to.

He was now known for being fair and good to the people that worked for him, but absolutely ruthless to the point of being borderline cruel to those that tried to hurt him or his Crows. More was known about him than had been when he was nine and wandering around the streets while stealing every stray kruge and watch that he could. People didn’t know the exact relationship that he had with the five people that slept in the same room as him and that he took on all of his most lucrative jobs, but they knew that they were close. Most also understood that Inej was the soul of his little operation and he was more lenient in the punishments that he gave when she was around. That meant that he had to deal with more people coming after him when the Wraith as docked in Fifth Harbor. He had even had a few people try to use her being there against him, until she had stabbed the first man in the heart that she had since the Van Eck job. She never lost her ruthlessness and she had never become less dangerous, she just spent less time using it for what Kaz wanted and more time using it for herself.

Kaz felt his heart ache in his chest as he thought about her. The only time that they really got to see each other for longer than a week at a time was during the winter, when the waters got perilous enough that she didn’t feel comfortable bringing her crew out sailing. The slave trade also died down in the winter months for Ravka and Fjerda because it was harder to find vulnerable young people to take when the world was white with snow. It was just barely edging into late spring, which meant that she was going to be on the longest of her trips because the most resources were available to her at that time. He didn’t know how long she would be away and where she would be docking to get the rest of her things when they needed to restock next, but the loss of her next to him in bed felt like it was going to last forever.

Matthias and Nina had returned to the woods of Tsibeya after a brief excursion to Os Alta so that Nina could work with the Heartrenders and Fabrikators that might be able to give her some answers about her new powers. They were still trying to figure out what the parem had done to her body and what her life would look like now that she had come out on the other side. It was slow going work that required her to go back to Os Alta so that she could talk with Kuwei about it often, which meant that she was also away from their little bubble of safety. She usually brought Matthias with her and the two of them would spend the bits of extra time that they had while waiting for their boat to bring them back exploring the forests near Fjerda without crossing the border. According to Matthias, they were looking for the wolf that he had been partnered with back when he was a druskelle. Kaz would have once dismissed what they were doing as childish and sentimental, but he knew what he would do to be able to get even a piece of his life before Ketterdam back.

Wylan and Jesper were only away for the weekend. They had business to attend to at one of the farms on the very edge of the city that would take them all day and made it too difficult for them to come back even to the Van Eck mansion. It wasn’t something that they did very often even if Wylan tried to present himself as an upstanding citizen that didn’t make bombs for a notorious crime boss on the weekend. Most people in the Barrel knew that he had been or was involved with Kaz, but no one was stupid enough to open their mouth where dangerous people might be listening. Jesper went wherever Wylan went, which Kaz was only okay with because of the near-assassination attempt that had happened not long after word had gotten out about how important they all were to each other.

Needless to say, the home that Kaz was going to return to would be a lonely one. They had laid off most of the staff so that they had to deal with less people on the regular, which was a necessity for them all. That meant that the servants quarters were usually mostly empty except for the four people that they had kept on. Marya kept to her wing of the house where she wasn’t disturbed unless she wanted company. Kaz had his portion of the house where he did work, though never official business, and it was usually bursting with partners. Today it would be empty.

He tilted his face up when he realized that the bright light of the full moon had been sapped suddenly from the earth around him. For a moment, he was very concerned that it had something to do with Grisha. There were tales from one side of Ravka that the tides used to be linked to the moon when people still worshipped the old gods. After everything that he had seen, he wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that someone could move the heavenly bodies to their own will.

It ended up being the far more likely reason, rather than a Grisha loaded up on the dangerous drug they had worked so hard to keep away from every government. Clouds had rolled in off the coast, where they had become loaded and burdened with sea water, so that they were coating the sky in a thick black blanket.

Kaz growled, low in the back of his already hoarse throat, as he pulled the lapels of his jacket up around his neck. He pushed his hat down further onto his head so that it would cover more of his hair and then kept on. He had strained himself too much that night when he was helping get his team into place and the pressure change from the storm had made his leg begin to ache something fierce, so he couldn’t press on as quickly as he wanted to. He was going to have to keep the steady pace that he had set back when he had left the burning wreckage of their job in his wake, even if it meant getting caught out in the rain.

Somehow, the first drop that fell trickled right down his neck. It landed just where his hair stopped and ran all the way down the length of his spine. He stopped walking and leaned heavily on the cane in his hand as he tried to fight back the sensation of bloated, pruned fingers pushing and grabbing at every part of his body. He tried desperately to focus on the hard ground beneath his feet and the fact that he was so much larger than he had been back when all of that happened.

It didn’t work.

His mind dragged him back to the night that he had woken up, fully woken up without the haze of fever hanging over him like a death shroud, on the Reaper’s Barge. He could remember the smell that had dripped through the air, the smell of bodies being burned so that the ashes could be disposed of in a place that wouldn’t bother anyone. He could remember the smell of rot and seawater that had soaked into his pores and coated his mouth. He could remember the feeling of his brother’s cheek beneath his finger as his hand gilded over the sweat-and-water soaked skin, bumping over each of the pocks that had been created from their illness.

Worst of all, he could remember the feeling of suffocating beneath the bodies of the plague-dead when the barge tipped too far in one direction and sent him toppling beneath a pile. He had gasped for breath and gotten only seawater and the stink of rot in return for it. He had sobbed until his eyes were free of tears and his chest ached something fierce, but no one heard it and no one ever would.

Kaz was only half-aware of what his body was doing in the present. He knew that his feet were on the ground and that his legs were shaking slightly, but he didn’t know if that was because of the strain he was putting onto the weaker one or because of the fear threading through his veins. His mind was a rushing mix of his own heartbeat and the screams that had torn through his throat for his bother to come back and save him from whatever nightmare the fever had caused him.

Most of all, he was aware that he was wet. He didn’t know how long he had been standing in one spot on the path that only he knew about with nothing but the memories of the worst time in his life to keep him company, but he was thoroughly soaked. His clothing was clinging to his body and felt as though it was suffocating him. It was pulling at every part of his form and trying to drag him down into the misery that would end in his death.

He forced himself to take a step forward.

He took another, and then another, before he was finally walking. The pain of his leg kept him grounded enough that the tides of the ocean were at bay so that he could tell which place to turn. He was still hearing his own voice echoing out over the vast nothingness that was the surrounding harbor. He could hear the sound of bodies popping when the gasses that had built up in their guts after their death finally got too much for the corpse to handle. He could smell the rot and the death and the plague like it was burned forever into his nose.

His hands fumbled as he got the lock on the front gate open with the key that he kept around his neck. He was numb from the cold and shaking with the memories of what true pain felt like.

By the time that he got up to the front door that would lead into the home that he had built with his own two hands, the one that he had secured for the people that had wormed their way under his skin to keep his heart beating, his hands were shaking too badly to be of much use. He grasped the key so tightly in his hand that he heard the leather of his gloves creaking dangerously. Something in the far back of his brain, the man that he had to let go when he realized that the overwhelming love he had for his partners was not something that was going to go away, told him that he had probably ruined them.

The wind was beginning to howl as it ripped over the rooves of Ketterdam. The voices of the dead, the dead that Kaz should have been a part of, came screaming at him as he sank down on his front step. He was crying now but he could barely tell what was a tear and what was the spray of the sea and his own flailing as he used his brother’s dead body as a way to save himself.

He was selfish, he was cruel, he was unworthy of love, he was a bad luck token, he was a monster.

The voices of the dead barraged him with their warnings and their condemnations of him and what they had seen him do. Sometimes it was the mother that he had never gotten to meet, sometimes it was the father that had died and started it all, and sometimes it was the brother that had been so foolish. Mostly it was the people that Kaz had to kill so that he could build his life, the people that he did feel guilt over his ruthlessness for.

His body hurt and his mind was screaming but there was nothing that he could do. He refused to let himself pass out the same way that he had in the prisoner carriage back when they were breaking into the Ice Court or in that freezing river. He was certain that if he gave up now, if he gave into the shards of water that were piercing into his bones, then he would never be able to come back.

But now he had something that he had to fight for, even if they deserved better than him. Inej would be furious if she found out that he had succumbed to the water swirling around his body without her being present to snap him out of it. Wylan and Jesper would never forgive themselves for not being there when he died. Matthias and Nina had already lost so much and faced so much death, they didn’t deserve any more. They had all given up almost every hope that they had of a shiny future so that they could be with him and he knew what kind of a sacrifice that was.

So instead of letting himself fall back into the comforting arms of the blackness that was pulling at the back of his mind, he fought and stayed in the blinding white cold. He shivered and held his body despite how fragile it felt, he screamed and sucked in the breathe that his muscles needed to live. He waited for them.

The storm raged on, as did Kaz’s mind. Eventually he had begun to think that the others weren’t going to save him. Inej wouldn’t be there to pull him up out of the waters like she had been when they were in the prison carriage. Wylan wouldn’t be there to talk practicality into his mind. Nina wouldn’t be there to soothe his heart with her hand even without her powers. Matthias wouldn’t be able to bring the grounding rage into his gut by poking just the right buttons. Jesper wouldn’t be there with his foolish smile and devious cunning. None of them were coming for Kaz because he didn’t deserve to be forgiven after the monster that he had been formed into.

He barely registered it when a pair of strong hands slipped underneath his armpits and pulled him into a standing position. He heard the sound of a lock slipping open, though he couldn’t feel his lockpicks against the slits in his gloves. The door creaked as it opened again and his mind chose to focus on whether or not it was a good think to have something that would alert them to the presence of others in their home.

“What’s going on?” he heard the voice of the man that he had been thinking of before everything had happened rush through his mind. It cut through the voices that the wind was bringing with them and the rushing of the water against his ears.

“Wylan?” he mumbled. His lips felt almost as though they were frozen together because of how cold he was. He realized that his entire body was quivering despite the warm hand that was resting on his arms.

Several footsteps echoed through the lofty room that he had stumbled into with the help of whoever had helped him stand up. He felt a pair of large, calloused hands brush across his face. The callouses were on the tips of the forefingers and the palms, not across the entire finger, so he knew that it wasn’t Matthias. Even just assessing that his partners were around him served to bring him the rest of the way out of the panic that was clinging to the bottoms of his pants like rainwater.

“Jesper,” he breathed as he collapsed forward. His body felt so weak and he was so cold, all he wanted was the safety of the people that loved him and for the cold to be gone. He hated the cold, it made his body and his mind ache.

“Hey baby,” Jesper whispered. He moved them over to the lounge that was arranged on the left side of the hall and sat Kaz down. He pressed a little kiss to the side of the other man’s face before he moved away from him. When Kaz let out a gasp of panic, scared that he was going to be left alone with the ghosts that had quieted but not entirely gone, the other man quickly explained himself. “I’m just getting you out of these clothes, sweetheart, I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Another body moved closer to him and he turned his head to see Inej. He didn’t know when she had gotten back or why, but she didn’t look pale and sallow like she had when she was hurt so he assumed that she was back for a very important reason. “We’re not going to leave you Kaz, not ever,” she promised as her talented fingers began to weave their way through his hair. He realized after a moment that she was undoing snarls and riding it of the dripping water so that it would stop slithering down his back.

“I got some clean clothes, Matthias has the blanket,” Nina said as she bustled into the room. She sat the clothing down in Inej’s lap and then wrapped a towel around Kaz’s head. She made sure that she wasn’t covering his face with the fabric as she wiped away every single drip and drop of water. Jesper worked with her so that she could towel off Kaz’s body when he revealed it by shedding the other man of his soaked clothing.

It felt almost indecent, being completely naked while in the front room of their grand mansion, with all of his partners gathered around him. His darkest secrets were on display for anyone to see, the body that he had been born with that didn’t quite fit, the scars that had come from years of life with a gang, the softness that had developed after being coddled by his loves. He was about to say something about it but his entire form convulsed and his teeth chattered too loudly for him to get the words out.

“Shh, shh, we’re here,” Inej promised as she kissed the side of his face. She and Nina easily got him into a new pair of smalls and into another undershirt, though he noted absently that it wasn’t the binding kind. He noticed that the pajamas that he was stepping into were the woolen ones that he used when the nights were so cold that he wouldn’t be able to sleep without an ache if he didn’t use them. Matthias then swooped in with a blanket, using it to bring him away from the now soaked bench he had been on before.

Kaz looked down at the fold closest to his shoulder. He realized that it was the special blanket Nina had made for Matthias when they had gotten married. The inside was a set of furs from squirrels native to Fjerda sewn onto a thick cotton backing that was woven so that it made a flannel texture, that way both sides of it were pleasant to cuddle up in and kept the wearer warm.

He was brought up to the master bedroom that had the huge bed they could all fit in and then placed down in the center. He was left alone only long enough for the rest of his partners to hurry out of their semi-wet clothing and into something dry before they joined him. Matthias and Nina were on one side while Inej and Jesper were on the other, which felt almost as though they were representing the first people that he had fallen in love with and the last.

He glanced up and startled slightly when he saw Wylan walk in while clutching a mug of tea. “They got you in something dry, that’s good. Now I want you to drink this.”

“What is it?” he asked, trying to ignore the sore feeling that his throat was already beginning to take on. He must have been screaming in the storm, or maybe he had been crying.

“Ginger mint tea with lemon and honey,” the other man replied as he settled himself down at Kaz’s feet. He was wrapped up in his favorite shawl and had his feet tucked under him to keep warm, so he looked very domestic and cozy. Kaz liked being able to feel warm.

“I don’t like honey,” he groused as he looked down into the steam. It was warming up his hands, which was when he noticed that they had taken his gloves off and he hadn’t even registered it. Their bodies were ones that he knew well, that he trusted, and that held rapidly beating hearts.

“I know you don’t like honey. I’m trying to stop you from getting pneumonia, you podge. Now will you drink it?” Wylan chastised, sounding every bit like Marya did when they came back black and blue with new bruises.

He didn’t fight it anymore, but it felt good to recede back into the blackness. This time it promised him gentle hands and loving words, kisses and mugs of tea and favorite blankets draped over his shoulders. He drank the too-sweet tea and cuddled into the bodies that were closest to him, suffocating under their love and glad for it.

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animeniacss · 5 months

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Seoksoo - imperfect - Part 1 - Chapter 3 - Run-ins at the Convenient Store

Synopsis: Lee Seokmin likes a lot of things: karaoke, stuffed animals, his friends, his family (when they're not at each other's throats), and when things go according to plan. It's perfect that way. That is...until Joshua Hong, the Education Department TA, stumbles into his view one day and suddenly Seokmin has to start facing the fact that maybe not everything in life will be perfect...but with Joshua, that might just be ok.

Tags: College!AU, ActingMajor!Seokmin, Teacher!Joshua, Romance, Angst, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Side GyuCheol, Side JunHao, Side Verkwan, Other Idol appearances, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Domestic Violence (not between the main couple), Joshua is a dork 90% of the time, (More Tags will be Added as needed)

Length: approx. 6.1k words

Chapter 3 - Run-ins at the Convenient Store

When Seokmin was 11, his patience was put to the test for the first time and he failed. The summer before he started middle school, his best friends, Lee Dongmin and Jeon Jungkook, got into a fight. He couldn’t even remember what started their fight that summer, but all he knew was that the summer was supposed to be filled with memories, and fun was filled with Seokmin acting as a texting carrier pigeon. One day he’d be on the phone with Jungkook while he bitched about Dongmin’s inflated ego, while another day he’d sit on the park swing set while Dongmin complained about Jungkook’s immature nature. Seokmin could only sit and listen - it was second nature for him at this point in his life - trying his best to keep himself up straight. The nights that were supposed to be spent under the illumination of the street lights with popsicles dangling from their lips as they kicked a ball in blissful summer ignorance were instead spent curled under his covers, sobbing as he tried desperately to solve this problem. He couldn’t start middle school like this, they were supposed to conquer it together. They promised. However, the entrance ceremony came, and Seokmin was faced with a major dilemma as he strolled into the school’s auditorium that morning.

…Who was he going to sit by?

Seokmin caught the eyes of both boys, now cruising with their own packs of friends that Seokmin had never seen before. When did they make those friends? They seemed to see one another as well, their dirty stares sending chills down Seokmin’s spine. He felt like he was standing in the middle of an open war zone, the poor carrier pigeon left vulnerable to two sides too stubborn and prideful to step from the trenches and talk things out. But then again, wars have started over less, surely.

Seokmin heard Jungkook call his name, then Dongmin, both smiling widely and waving their friend over, hoping he would choose them. His heart was pounding in his chest.

“Seokmin!” Jungkook called. His eyes shot towards Dongmin, who was already sitting with his legs crossed and hands in his lap.

“Come here!” That was Dongmin. “I saved you a seat!” He smiled. Seokmin took a deep breath, biting his lip. Unable to decide, and feeling his head swimming, he sat down in the first spot he could find, right in the middle of the room. He hunched over, hair covering his eyes like a curtain to keep others from peeking in, a silent ‘do not disturb’ request, and if you ignored it, he would start crying. He was already feeling it bubble in his chest.

Over their first year in middle school, Jungkook and Dongmin never figured out their differences, and grew apart, as some friends do.

And Seokmin, for his first year of middle school, was left in the middle. He had no idea what to do, how to solve it, how to keep the two most important people at the time in his life who weren’t in his immediate family from separating. Could he have done anything? Were there signs that he missed those last few months where everything was just about them, their trio, and their friendship? How could he have missed it? His job is to notice when others are suffering so he can fix it.

He failed them, and he failed their friendship because he couldn’t keep them together.

Lee Seokmin remembers every mistake he’s ever made. At least, he thinks he does. Each fuck up or memory plastered itself onto his brain like a sick virus, gnawing away at his memories until only they remained. It forces him to play them back and remember the things he said or did that obviously others noticed and still think about to this day. It left Lee Seokmin, at his grown age of 22, lying awake at night and staring at the ceiling, predictable in its structure in a way that tried to comfort him. He would listen to the steady lullaby of the clock overhead, hoping eventually its monotonous clicking would lull him to sleep, if not out of peace then simply out of boredom. When he got close, a flash of one of those memories shot into the black void behind his eyes. They carved little homes into his brain and popped out randomly like some sick form of Whack-a-mole that Seokmin could never win.

This game of Whack-a-mole, however, was not about his two childhood friends' summer argument. Nor was it about the time he cried during a particularly sad scene in the school play when he was 14. Or the time he tripped on nothing as he walked on campus his freshman year and yes, that handsome upperclassman did see him and now when they lock eyes through the quad he remembers how much of a klutz Seokmin is…

No. Seokmin was lying awake thinking of an evergreen sweater and a button-up shirt. He was thinking of a little beaded necklace that looked homemade, but endearing. He thought about light brown locks that framed a playful smile and curiously wide eyes.

He was also thinking about how he looked like the biggest fool.

Seokmin, in hopes of blocking out Joshua’s amused face, forced his head into his very soft ravioli plush. No luck. He must have thought I was crazy. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Augh, I should have said something. And when he asked me for my name I stuttered? What fucking idiot forgets their own name? Even if I had a chance – which I don’t – he’d never, ever, ever want to look in my direction again. He probably went right home and laughed to all his friends about how stupid I looked. Now, whenever they all see me, they’ll immediately know I’m the freaky-blushing weirdo who practices his lines in public!

A knock on his door made Seokmin sit up in bed, ravioli plush lowered just enough for his eyes to scan the door. “Hyung?” Seungkwan’s sleepy voice called. “Can I come in?”

“Uh…Yeah, sure.” He watched his friend stagger in, wearing a loose tee shirt and sweatpants. He rested against the doorframe, and Seokmin immediately saw a few papers in his friend’s hands.

“Can you please proofread this so I can submit it and go to bed?” Seokmin could hear his friend’s voice fading in and out, sleep threatening him with every second he had his eyes open. Unable to hold back his smile, he nodded.

“Yeah, quickly.” He said. “Turn on the light.” Seungkwan did as he was told, before scurrying to the bed and climbing in beside Seokmin. The both of them propped themselves up against Seokmin’s headboard, Seungkwan nestling into his friend’s side as Seokmin took the two-page paper. “This was the one for your Lesson Strategies course?”

“Yeah. I have to write the lessons and write this with research on how what I picked will help aid understanding.” Seungkwan sighed. “I think you can tell I bullshitted a lot of it.” The snort Seungkwan emitted made Seokmin smile.

The duo sat in silence for a few minutes as Seokmin skimmed over Seungkwan’s rough draft, looking for anything to correct before submitting it. Seungkwan spelt ‘conclusion’ correctly and made sure to remember all of the necessary periods. If he didn’t, Seokmin would have made sure he did so his friend would not share the same downfall he did. He didn’t understand much of the research beyond basic common sense or any of Seungkwan’s ramblings, but Seungkwan’s essay was perfect. He would get a good grade and his professor would be impressed. Joshua would be impressed.

“Kwannie, your essay is-.” When Seokmin looked over, Seungkwan’s head was lolled to the side, almost pressing onto Seokmin’s shoulder, his eyes fluttered closed peacefully. His breathing was so slow and gentle that Seokmin couldn’t tell when he fell asleep. “Aw.” Seokmin chuckled. Shuffling to the side, Seokmin laid Seungkwan down on his bed, covering him with the blanket. He grabbed his phone, and was immediately hit with the time: 10:30. Seokmin watched his friends shift only slightly in bed, undisturbed as he was laid onto his back and covered with a thick blanket. Knowing he would only disturb his friends seemingly needed slumber, he tiptoed into the living room, closing his bedroom door behind him.

Unable to sleep, and not because of his bed now being occupied, Seokmin knew this was a sign to finally do the one thing he tried to avoid all day. Pulling up his contacts, he clicked one in particular and pressed the ringing phone to his ear.

It took a few seconds, but when a gentle and slightly confused: “Hello?” came through on the other end, Seokmin sighed.

“Hey, Mom.” He said. “Sorry, I didn’t call back. I was busy all day and tired and-.”

“It’s okay.” His mother assured. “Did you have a good day?”

“Uh, yeah. I did…”

“Are Mingyu and Seungkwan doing well in their classes?”

“Yes, I guess.” Seokmin turned towards his closed bedroom door. “They’ve been busy too. Seungkwan has volleyball tryouts this week.”

“Mmm. Good luck to him, he’s always been good.” His mother took a deep breath, and Seokmin instinctively followed. He knew there was more she wanted to talk about beyond the pleasantries of his friends. “Did you hear from your sister today?”

Seokmin let out the breath, shakier than he would have liked. “Yes. She called.”

“What did she say?”

Seokmin pursed his lips. “Something along the lines of you wanting her to be home more often, but she said she is and that you’re just ridiculing her for-.”

A deep, frustrated sigh cut Seokmin off, and his lips clamped shut. “Honey, your sister’s dramatic.”

“That’s true.” He said, because it was. “I just…did you-.”

“No, don’t defend her.” His mother said. “Eunkyung does none of her chores around this house. She’s 18 now, she’s in college now and wants to live on her own. She wants to act like she knows everything but she fucking knows nothing.”

Why did I make this phone call, again? Seokmin thought to himself as his mother’s moaning and complaining all began to blend together. Oh right, because it beats seeing Joshua’s face, or Dongmin and Jungkook’s, staring at him from behind his eyelids. “And she just loves to tell everyone how terrible I am. I gave up everything for her – for both of you – I’ve done nothing but give you whatever you want and this is the thanks I get from her.”

“Mhm.” Seokmin leaned back on the couch. “She’ll cool off, I’m sure.”

“But what? Am I supposed to sit back and just let her say terrible things about me?”

“She’s not saying terrible things about you.” Seokmin felt his vision blurring, and he closed his eyes. This time, instead of seeing faces of friends, he visualized the furrowed brow and deep frown of a very irritated mother on the other end.

“You always say that. She’s just like your father, she thinks she can do whatever she wants.” Seokmin felt himself take another deep breath, nodding though she couldn’t see. “You want to know what happened with him?” A pained laugh. “I finally managed to get a hold of him today, too. Some parent, if you can even call him that.”

“Mom.” Seokmin felt his voice crack, and the other line went silent. Seokmin bit his lip. He could feel the corner of his eyes pricking once again, threatening a wave of tears if he had to keep listening to this. “It’ll be f-fine. Give her space and she’ll…come around.”

“I always try. I don’t know how I could raise you two the same and get two completely different kids. Did she say anything about me?”

“…Kind of? I don’t remember. She yelled at me.” He sniffled.

“She yells at everybody.” His mother sighed on the other line. Seokmin sighed, racking his chest like a violent earthquake. “Seokmin, honey, don’t cry. There’s no reason to cry.” Her request didn’t come across as the gentle attempt to calm her son down, but more annoyed that it was happening in the first place. Seokmin let out a shaky breath, nodding. “Your sister just needs to finish growing up and the she’ll see.”

“I’m not crying, I yawned.” He said quickly, shaking his head.

“You’re a sensitive kid, Seokmin.” His mother chuckled. “Don’t take this to heart, okay? Just focus on you.”

It sounds so easy coming from you. The thought darted through his brain like a bullet train, then immediately derailed the tracks and spiraled out of control. “Mhm.” Seokmin nodded. “I’m gonna try to go to sleep now.”

“Okay, talk tomorrow. Love you, Seokmin.”

“Love you too, Mom.” Seokmin closed his phone and groaned, tilting his head on the back of the couch and covering his face. “Why is this happening?” he grumbled, his palms getting wet with the few tears that managed to slip through the cracks of his eyes. It was just pushing 11 at night, and Seokmin knew any attempt at sleep now would be met with yet another game of Whack-a-Mole that he was not in the mood to lose at. So, he got up from the couch, slipped on his shoes, grabbed his keys and wallet, and slinked out the front door.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

Nothing was really open at this hour, other than karaoke bars, actual bars, or 24-hour convenience stores. So, Seokmin went to the latter, stepping into the LED-infested box at the corner about two blocks from his apartment. Seokmin greeted the woman at the counter, a kind-hearted woman in her forties, who has been behind that counter almost every time Seokmin strolled in. He made his way into the aisles and began hunting for something to eat. He had eaten dinner a few hours prior, but he was craving something to eat, something to distract him a bit. He grabbed the last cup of chicken ramen, a water, and a bag of chips. Perfect.

As he finished paying, Seokmin heard the door behind him whirr open, and footsteps step inside. He was talking to the woman behind the counter, smiling sweetly as he gave her small updates on school. The usual “It’s very busy” and “The auditions are coming up” were two that he usually gave when she asked. In return was always a polite “Knock ‘em dead!” before Seokmin made his way out of the store.

With the usual sentiment given, Seokmin was about ready to make his way out when he turned and saw someone standing behind him. His hand gripped the plastic bag he was holding so tightly that he could feel his fingernails digging into his palm. Brown waves blew in the leftover breeze from the door closing, and wide-eyes stared back at him.

“Oh.” Seokmin blinked. “Hyung….”

Joshua smiled. “Hey. Seokmin, right?” Seokmin nodded. “I knew I would notice you properly the next time I saw you.” The proud glint in his eye made Seokmin choke on his words. “Funny seeing you here. Do you live close?”

“Uh-.” Seokmin pointed in the direction of his apartment. “A few blocks away.”

“Tch, aaah. I live the other way.” His hand pointed in the other direction and Seokmin realized how long his fingers were. It made him unable to find the right words. When he realized he was staring at the other’s fingers just a bit too long, he looked back up at Joshua, and was still met with a kind smile. “Are you heading home already?”

“Yeah.” He held up the bag gripped in his hand, white knuckles and all. “Just came for some ramen.”

Joshua clapped his hands together, eyes sparkling. “I was looking for the same thing. Really craving some chicken ramen. What aisle did you see it?” Seokmin blinked, visualizing the empty shelf where chicken ramen last sat, and felt his heart pump harder in his chest. However, he simply turned his head, pointing down the aisle he just came from. “Sweet, thanks.” He beamed. “Wait here a second.”

“…Why?”

This was the first time the smile fell on Joshua’s face since he stepped inside. “Oh, I thought we could eat together.” He motioned to the small seating area in the back of the store. “If you want. I can’t sleep, and it’s more fun to eat with company. Don’t you think?”

“Heh. I guess so…” Seokmin said. “Okay. I’ll-.” He pointed to the available seats. “I’ll be there.” With a nod of confirmation, Joshua turned on his heel and headed down the aisle. Seokmin stood there for a second, watching him disappear in hopes for chicken ramen he wasn’t going to get.

Gone was the evergreen sweater and white button up with slacks; opted out in favor of a more comfortable pair of jeans and black tank top, despite the cooler weather. Seokmin tried to keep himself subtle as he walked past Joshua and attempted to sneak another glance. He sat himself down in the seat closest to the hot water dispenser for his ramen. He could hear Joshua shuffling in the nearby aisle, seemingly stumped on what type he was in the mood for. He couldn’t see him, but he could hear.

Should I give him the chicken one? The thought smacked him in the back of the head like a firm hand of discipline, shaming him for taking the last chicken ramen. How could he be so selfish?

“Sorry.” Joshua called, catching Seokmin’s attention as he nestled beside him. “I had to figure out Plan B. There were so many choices, I got stuck.” Seokmin nodded, watching as Joshua quickly hurried to fill his own cup with hot water and get his noodle cooking. Joshua looked down at his unopened box.

“Do you-.” By the time he opened his mouth, Joshua already stuck his own under the hot water, hands on his hips as he watched it fill up. Too late. Oh no….

Joshua settled onto his seat, allowing his cup ramen a few minutes to cook through before digging in. “So.” He began, resting his elbows on the table. “How’s arts and theatre and uh plays going for ya?” He grinned at his question, playful in its intentions. Seokmin tried his best to shake off the embarrassment that lingered in his bones from that. Is he making fun of me? Seokmin thought to himself.

“Fine.” Seokmin sounded unsure. “Nothing crazy.”

“Mmm.” Joshua finally flipped the top of his ramen open, grabbing his little disposable chopsticks and taking a bite. “Mmmmm.” His eyes widened, stunned at the delicious food. “Wow, this is good!” He turned to Seokmin for his opinion, and Seokmin simply smiled.

“Y-yeah. That one is pretty good.” If you think so, then why didn’t you take the beef one? There were plenty of beef ones but you took the chicken one.

“Mhm. They were all out of chicken ones.” His eyes immediately fell to Seokmin, and saw as his still unopened cup, the word ‘chicken’ written in bright green with the company’s mascot beside it. “Ah.” He glanced up at Seokmin again. “Now I see why.”

“Ah.” Seokmin looked away shyly. “Ehe, sorry.”

“Eh.” Joshua shrugged, taking another bite of his beef ramen. “Nothing to be sorry for. Unless you did it on purpose~.” Seokmin shot wide eyes at the other.

“What? No!” He gasped. “I wouldn’t-.” When Joshua snickered in amusement, Seokmin realized his shoulders had spiked like a rabid animal on high-alert.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He assured quickly, waving a hand. “I promise. No need to get defensive.”

Fuck, was I being defensive? I did get loud…. “Right…” Seokmin turned back to his meal. “I knew that.”

“Are you not going to eat it?” Joshua asked, swallowing another bite of his own.

“What?”

“You haven’t even started cooking it yet.”

“Oh….” Joshua chuckled, watching as Seokmin took the cup and headed to the hot water dispenser. He could feel another hole for his Whack-a-mole game beginning to carve itself out in the back of his brain, large enough to store every possible Joshua-shaped mistake he will ever make. It gave him a headache.

With another bite down, Joshua spun his chair around, watching as Seokmin stood by the counter. “So, Seokmin. How do you know Seungkwan? He told me you two live together.”

“We do. We were roommates last year when he was a freshman.”

“And they made him dorm with a sophomore?”

“I offered.” Joshua grinned, uncapping his water and putting it to his lips.

“That’s nice of you. Back in America, we get to pick our roommates. I’m lucky my freshman and sophomore year, my roommate was barely there..” He chuckled, before taking a long sip of the drink, head tilted back just slightly to allow the water easy access down his throat. Seokmin had to look away, grabbing the cup and returning to his seat. The heat radiated on his fingers a bit, and lingered when he set it down.

“You’re from America?”

“Mhm.” He set the water down on the table again. “Los Angeles.”

“Fancy…” Seokmin said. Wait…where was Hansol from? New York? He tried to pull up one of those maps of the United States he found in his old textbooks, but the memory was fuzzy and most likely swallowed up by much less-desired memories.

Joshua shrugged. “It’s alright.” He said. “I only moved here for good about…eh…” Joshua pursed his lips together. “The summer before my junior year so…maybe a year and a half ago?”

“Wow.” Seokmin’s eyes widened in shock. “Your Korean is really good.”

“I’d hope so.” He said. “My parents taught me both growing up. So, I’d be the kid in school who would speak between the two languages and not even notice it.” Seokmin chuckled a bit, nodding his head. “It’s a blessing and a curse, I guess.”

“I wish I was bilingual.” He commented.

“They don’t make language a requirement in theatre?” he asked. “Sorry. Arts, theater, and uhm plays?”

“Okay, now…” Seokmin frowned, and Joshua covered his mouth to laugh. “Are you mocking me?”

When Joshua’s eyes widened again, this time with shock of the question and not the deliciousness of the food, the hole in the back of Seokmin’s brain widened. Damn it, that wasn’t supposed to leave my brain. “Sorry, that’s not-.”

“I’m not mocking you.” He said quickly. “Did it upset you?”

“N-no.” Seokmin tried to assure. “I just…” Seokmin looked away. “Ah, never mind. It’s silly.” He could see Joshua swivel around in the stool beside him, humming to himself as he took another bite of his ramen. “Sorry.” Joshua decided to keep his mouth shut, not pressing the issue any further. His attempt to drop the subject only allowed it to nestle further into Seokmin, another anxiety-shaped seed blooming into a regret flower in his stomach. He swallowed a huge bite of ramen, and for a second, hoped he would just choke on it and die so he could completely be away from this.

Joshua didn’t seem done talking, and he opened his mouth again: “So, if you’re a theater major, then do you want to be an actor?”

“Mhm.” Seokmin said. “I’m auditioning for the play.”

“Yeah?” Joshua’s eyes sparkled. “That’s cool. I wanted to see the play last year but I was really sick.” Seokmin looked at him briefly, and Joshua closed the empty ramen cup. “Had to stay in bed for a whole week. It wasn’t fun.”

“Are you okay?” Seokmin sounded a bit worried. Joshua nodded.

“Just a little head cold, I guess. Fever. Nothing that some chicken soup and rest didn’t fix right up.” Joshua hopped from his spot and went to throw out his garbage, allowing Seokmin to get a few minutes of silence to eat his food. As he did, he felt his phone buzzing. He pulled it from his pocket and turned it on. When he saw the name staring back at him, he gripped his phone so tight he thought it would cramp.

[Kyungie <3] (2m ago): Did you tell Mom that I yelled at you? She’s all mad at me again!

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did he have to open his big fucking mouth!?

[Seokminnie] (now): What did she say?

Three dots never felt so painful, Seokmin’s eyes glued to the screen as he waited to see what she would say.

[Kyungie <3] (2m ago): She said I made you cry! I didn’t make you cry, did I?

[Kyungie <3] (1m ago ): ….Oppa?

[Kyungie <3] (now): Whatever. I literally didn’t even do anything so I don’t know why she’s being this way! She’s threatening to ground me like I’m 4?

[Kyungie <3] (now): I heard her on the phone with Auntie. Auntie always agrees with Mom too.

[Kyungie <3] (now): Hello? O.O

Seokmin had long since set his phone face down, sliding it down the window-side counter just a bit in hopes that physical distance would help ease the nausea growing in his stomach. Seokmin leaned forward, covering his mouth with his hands.

Why did I have to say anything? He thought to himself. What can I tell Kyungie? I didn’t ….Seokmin covered his face with his hands, fingers curling up and gripping into his bangs. He knew he had to reply to his little sister too, or she would take his silence as basic confirmation that he is talking shit about her behind her back to Mom. But he is, isn’t he?! He did say she yelled, but she did! Didn’t she….?

Seokmin caught glimpses of an old fantasyland behind the black in his eyes and he debated going back for a long-overdue visit.

“Seokmin?” The voice behind him startled him straight up like a rocket about to take off, turning to see a concerned Joshua standing in front of him. “…Are you okay?”

“…What?” Seokmin choked out. Joshua’s frown only deepened.

“You…look kind of spacey.” He pointed to the phone that had finally stopped vibrating as it rested on the far end of the counter. “And you shoved your phone. Is everything okay?”

“Uh, yes.” Seokmin finally breathed, reaching over to grab his phone. When he flipped it over, he saw Kyungie had only sent one more message.

[Kyungie <3] (3m ago): I’m going to bed. Call me when you’re not busy.

“It’s fine. Just…stuff.”

“Stuff?” Joshua sat down beside him again, arms crossing his chest.

“Yes.” Seokmin bit his lip when he heard the tension behind the one word. “Stuff.”

“Oh, okay.” Joshua seemed to get the hint. Checking his arm, Seokmin noticed Joshua had on an Apple watch. Fancy. He hummed. “It’s close to midnight. We should probably head home.”

“Right…” Seokmin grabbed his garbage and quickly tossed it into their designated bins. Joshua chuckled.

“I respect a man that recycles.” he saw Seokmin only nod in acknowledgment. “Thanks for sitting with me…” Seokmin finally broke a little smile at Joshua’s kindness, nodding his head. “I knew ramen tasted better with the company.”

“Yeah.”

Both boys thanked the worker before stepping out into the cool air, another reminder that fall was on its last leg for the year. Seokmin shivered at the feeling as it tickled his skin. He still liked it, even at this time of night. He rubbed his exposed arms and looked at Joshua, who seemed completely unphased despite his tank top offering even less coverage. “You said you’re auditioning for the play?”

Joshua’s question took Seokmin off guard, but he still managed to nod and provide a: “Yes.”

Joshua pursed his lips together. “I want to see you practice.”

“W-what?” Seokmin choked out. “Why?”

Joshua hummed, hands slipping into his pockets as he rocked back and forth onto his heels. “Because I’m a professional actor.”

Seokmin only felt more confused as the other continued to speak. “Okay…how so?”

“I was cast as ‘Tree 1’ in my 3rd grade play,” Joshua said. The seriousness in his voice made Seokmin cover his mouth, holding back the chuckle threatening to slip past. Unphased, Joshua added. “Oh. And I was in the ensemble of not one but two high school productions because my friend asked me to.”

“You didn’t even audition?”

“You don’t have to when you’re as natural as me.” Joshua grinned. “So, I’ll give you some pointers.” Seokmin looked away as the laugh won the battle, slipping through his fingers and allowing a wide grin to flash on his face. Joshua smiled as Seokmin clapped his hands together in amusement. “What?” Joshua asked. “I’m offering to give you pointers before your audition. You should be grateful.”

“If you’re so talented, then why didn’t you major in theatre? Why did you pick education?”

Joshua seemed taken aback by the question, glancing at the floor to process his response. “Well, I can’t actually go public with my talents. There won’t be enough movies left for the rest of the world.”

“Okay?” Seokmin snorted.

“So, can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Help you audition. For the play.”

“Oh…” Seokmin frowned. “I mean…if you want to. I’d hate to pull you from more important things.”

“Nah, it’ll be fun!” Joshua assured. “Let me look at my schedule.” Like it was attached to his body all along, Joshua flipped open his phone and pulled up his calendar. Seokmin watched him quietly, the laughter subsiding in his body. It rocked him so hard that those stiff flowers shook slightly as if they were in a summer breeze. Then, they stood stiff again.

Why did Joshua want to see him practice lines?

Why would someone as cool as Joshua…want to see him practice lines? Isn’t that…boring?

Joshua’s lips pursed together in a tight and seemingly annoyed line, brows furrowed as he looked at the schedule in front of him. He’s got more important things to do. “Hyung, you really don’t have to-.”

“Sunday evening,” Joshua said, pointing to his phone. “I can hang out Sunday evening. I’ll make it work.”

“Are you sure?”

“As long as it’s not too late, yes, I’m sure.” Joshua’s absolute certainty in the matter was enough to sway Seokmin, and he ultimately nodded. “Perfect.” He stuck his phone out to Seokmin. “Put your number in and I’ll text you tomorrow.” Joshua paused. “Well, today.” He grinned. “It’s midnight.”

“Okay…” Seokmin took the phone, typing his number in and saving it under ‘Lee Seokmin’. When he passed it back, the brown-haired American only widened his grin.

“Awesome. Get home safe, okay?” he said.

“You… you too.” He said. Seokmin watched as Joshua simply made his way down the opposite side of the street, hands in his pockets as he strolled among the street lights. Seokmin blinked.

Joshua-Hyung totally thought you were cute!

Seungkwan’s playful banter rang in his ears, and Seokmin could feel them heating up as they replayed in his head. He looked down at his feet, lips pursed together.

“I doubt it.” He muttered to himself, hoping his voice was enough to quell those thoughts in his head. Turning on his heel, he made his way back towards his own apartment.

By the time he got into the apartment, he saw Seungkwan still asleep in his bed, so he simply curled up on the couch with the throw blanket. His last thought before sleep pulled him in for the night was that Seungkwan never submitted his paper on time. He hoped it wouldn’t cause him to lose a letter grade.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

“What do I do?” Seokmin asked. He looked down at the pancakes in front of him, waiting for them to be ready to flip. His phone was sitting beside him, speaker phone on so he could talk hands-free.

“What do you mean?” Mingyu asked, leaning back in his seat.

“I mean what do I do about Joshua?”

“Mmmm…Probably just hang out with him.” Seokmin sighed. Mingyu was always so straightforward and trusting, his responses laced with optimism. “No? Was that the wrong answer?”

“I just don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“You won’t. Why would you?”

“Because I always do.” Seokmin pouted. He flipped one of the pancakes, and when it landed on the opposite side, his shoulders sank at the black circle staring back at him. “I don’t know how to act in front of cute guys.”

“Wait…what the hell does that make me, then?!” Seokmin let out a breathy chuckle.

“That makes you not my boyfriend. You know Seungcheol-Hyung would murder me, right? I don’t want to deal with that.”

“I would never!” A muffled shout was heard on the other end, followed by Mingyu’s amused laugh. The laugh of a man in love. Seokmin liked that.

“But seriously, Seokminnie. Maybe this is a sign that you should actually start finding love for yourself for once.”

“What do you mean for once?”

“Exactly what I said.” Mingyu chuckled.

“But…” Turning the stove off, Seokmin pressed his back against the counter and crossed his arms. “Mingyu, I’ve already made a fool of myself twice. I could barely speak in front of him the first time, and last night I accused him of making fun of me! You had to see his face. He was seriously upset with me. It was so stupid; I cannot believe it. And what am I going to say when I see him again? I know it’ll be yet another chance for me to make him think I’m absolutely insane because I cannot control the stuff that comes out of my mouth. What if he doesn’t even text me? What if I just gave my number to him so that he could point and laugh at how stupid and gullible I am-.”

“Lee Seokmin…” Mingyu’s powerful yet loving voice cut through Seokmin like a butter knife, and Seokmin felt himself finally take a breath. That breath allowed his eyes to prick tears that he quickly wiped away. “You’re working yourself up again.”

“I can’t help it.” Seokmin sighed. “It’s stupid.”

“No, you just need to take it one step at a time. That’s what you told me when I was trying to talk to Cheol. And look how good things turned out for us!”

“Right….” Seokmin sighed. “I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of him.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not an idiot, then.” Mingyu chuckled. “I would see if he calls before assuming the worst. It’s been less than 6 hours.”

“It’s been 7. I gave him my number at midnight.”

“Romantic.” Mingyu chuckled. “But seriously. I’m going to go, but on Monday, I expect a full story on how amazing everything went. Okay?”

“Fine…” Seokmin sighed. “Bye.”

“Bye, Seokmin!” Seungcheol called from the other line.

“Bye, Hyung.” Seokmin chuckled before hanging up. He watched the contact photo of Mingyu – an old one of the both of them in their first year of middle school – fade away to his plushie background. He sighed, closing his eyes and hanging in head as a groan of annoyance escaped his lips.

“Hey. Are you okay?” 11-year-old Seokmin looked up, eyes watering behind a veil of hair to see another male sitting beside him, eyes wide and concerned. He had black hair, styled like all the kids did back then, parted to the side and short.

“Yes.” He said quickly, wiping his eyes. “Sorry.” Once he was sitting upright again, his eyes darted left to right, landing on both Jungkook and Dongmin, who by now had found seats with their own groups of friends. “Oh, no….”

Mingyu looked around, immediately following his gaze. “Are your friends fighting?”

“Yeah…” Seokmin said, looking back at the other boy. “I don’t think they’ll ever be friends again. I don’t know what to do…”

“That stinks…” Seokmin blinked, watching as Mingyu leaned back in his seat. “I hope they figure it out soon.”

“Me too.”

“They’ll probably solve their problem, so all you can do is wait.”

“I…” Seokmin stopped himself. “We’ve been best friends since first grade. They’re the only friends I had coming here…They have to solve this.”

Without missing a beat, the other boy stuck his hand out. “Well, until they do, I’ll be your friend.” He smiled. “I’m Kim Mingyu.” Seokmin blinked, extending his hand as the duo shook firmly.

“Lee Seokmin…” he said.

“Well, Lee Seokmin, I hope we can be friends for a long time.” Mingyu smiled.

And they were.

Seokmin smiled a bit at the memory as the phone lit up with a message from an unknown number. Seokmin’s eyebrow cocked for a second, watching as the text bubble flashed on his home screen.

[XXX-XXX-XXXX] (now): Hey! It’s Joshua! Does Sunday at like 4:30 p.m. work to hang out?! :))

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