#wade wilson x reader funny

[soupsandwich64]

Deadpool: *looking super hot and cool snd awesome and epic and hot and cute and sexy and powerful and cool and-*

Spider-Man: what are you doing??..

Deadpool: trying to give the reader a good mental image. IS IT WORKING?!

[terracebatman]

Deadpool Vs The Mask Live Action.

[luxesiren]

⸻ 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐒𝐄𝐗 :: wade wilson x black reader

synopsis :: wade comes back home from “business" and asks if you wanted to smoke with him and of course you did

cw :: 3.1k+ words MDNI, intentional lower case, fem!black reader, drug use (marijuana), established relationship, fluff, porn w/o plot, smut; oral sex (m receiving), fingering, dirty talk, praise, tummy bulge, riding, rough sex, dry humping, spanking, overstimulation, mating press, daddy kink, and degradation

a/n :: i’ve been wanting to write for marvel characters, i just haven’t but i think writing wade wilson is the best character to start off with cause i love him😩 but uhm this is technically a recycled work of mine and i’m just sharing it with y’all! so enjoy!

it’s been a while since you’ve seen wade, he’s always away for “business” and even though you knew exactly what his business entailed but it didn’t phase you. naturally, you were excited to see wade so when he came home and kissed you, you were practically floating. he asked you if you wanted to smoke with him and who were you to say no? 

there you were with your legs across wade’s lap, watching him roll the blunt so effortlessly, you just could’t stop staring at him, his mask half way on and it makes you want to see the rest of his face, the scars covering his face visible but you never cared, at the end of the day, his looks weren’t his most important factor. you leaned over and kissed his cheek with a smile, he turned to look at you with a smile on his face, “what was that for?” 

“just cause, baby.” you reply, shrugging your shoulders and leaning back against the couch. he finished rolling the blunt and sealing it up perfectly before he took his lighter and lit it up, inhaling some the smoke before passing it to you. it was always good smoking with wade, he always made sure you were good and that you weren’t tripping out from the weed but he always catered to your every need, smoking with him always made you horny – no matter what it was, you always ended up in some compromising position with him making you cum until you couldn’t anymore. 

you passed it back to him and he took a drag of it, holding in the smoke and exhaling shortly after, “you always have this pink gloss on the blunt, i’m two seconds away from just buying some for myself.” 

“baby- what?” you laughed, you couldn’t help it, he was a fool. he passed the blunt back to you and you already the felt the high coming on as you kept passing it back and forth between each other. “be quiet, you just tryna be funny” 

“it made you laugh so i think it worked.” wade laughed, his hand resting on your thigh, squeezing gently before caressing, he always loved your thighs. he would always have his hands on your thighs, sometimes just resting there and other times his hand would be between them. wade couldn’t take his eyes off you, his lids low and somewhat heavy – the high not really doing much for him but it still affected him in a way but he just couldn’t stop staring at you. 

you caught him looking and you giggled, “what? i got something on my face?” and wade just shook his head, pulling you into his lap without another word. you squealed before you finally settled, his hands on your waist before they moved to your ass. he was always handsy even without the weed. 

“i’m just looking at you, baby. that’s all.” he replied, voice low and rough from the smoke. 

you took a final hit from the blunt before you leaned over him to put it out on the ashtray, “really? you missed me?” your hands wrapped around his neck as you leaned down to whisper in his ear. 

“always do, snookums.” he said with a smile, leaning in to kiss you but before his lips could meet yours, you pulled back and looked at him with your eyebrow raised, “what?” 

you smacked your lips and crossed your arms, “you know i love to see your face, why do you keep playing with me?” 

“my goodness, such a sassy little thing,” he rolled his eyes before taking off his mask and tossing it to the side, “is that better?” 

“much better.” you responded before you pulled him back, kissing his lips softly and your hands still wrapped around his neck, your chest pressed against his. his hands gripping your ass while he deepens the kiss. you admit that you missed him too, tired of being on facetime with him and texting pictures of himself just to tease you about how much he missed you. 

not long after, your back was pressed against the couch and wade was on top of you, his lips sucking on your bottom lip before pulling back and kissing down your jawline to your neck, sucking marks and biting down causing you to whine. your thighs pressed together, your pussy ruining your panties with how wet you were for him.

his hand roamed your body, he played with your tits, thumbs pressing down on your nipples making you whimper in his mouth and he loves to hear you like that, making as much noise as you can for him. your eyes glossy and rolling to the back of your head from how he was rutting against you, the thick bulge that rested in his sweats was enough to drive you insane, pressing against your clit making you grind into him. 

his hands moved to pull off your panties, not wasting a second before two of his fingers teased your folds. the grip you had on his shoulders tightened with every rub against your cunt, his lips never left yours. instead it was you who pulled away to moan his name. he loved hearing his name on your lips, so sweet and so breathless coming from you. “wade, fuck…i want more.” 

he didn’t protest, wanting to give you whatever you wanted — missing you as much as you missed him and he didn’t deny it. you felt how much he missed you with how delicate he touched you, drawing out every movement of his, two of his fingers moved inside you, his thumb circling your clit and making you leak more slick. “jesus, baby, you look so pretty like this. i think i could cum just from that face you’re making.” 

“yeah? wouldn’t that make it easy? cumming so easy just from my face?” you chuckled which quickly turned into a moan when his fingers curled just right, “mm wade..”

“you’re doing so good for me, taking my fingers so well.” his fingers thrusting in and out slowly, gradually picking up the pace. he wanted to see you fall apart for him, your thighs tempted to close around his hand but he didn’t allow it, his free hand spreading them apart even further. 

your whines made him even harder in his sweats that it was almost painful but he didn’t care, not when you were squirming and making a mess of his fingers. your thighs started to tremble and he knew that you were close, he didn’t stop moving his fingers, keeping the same pace and making you moan loudly, whimpering from the drag of his fingers against your sensitive walls making you grab his wrist but he kept going, nothing would stop him. 

“wade, m’gonna cum, please..” you begged, you wanted him to give you what you so desperately wanted, what you needed. he let you do just that, whining loudly and cumming around his fingers. he didn’t pull his fingers just yet, giving you one last thrust before he pulled out slowly licking his fingers clean all while looking you in the eyes. “taste good, daddy?” 

his hand came down slapping your thigh roughly making you cry out before you smirk at him, you pull yourself up settling down in his lap and kissing him, moaning when you taste yourself on his tongue. his hands move down your back landing on your ass and squeezing before smacking your ass making you arch your back and whimper, “you what i missed?” he asks, his voice deep in your ear making you squirm. 

“hm? tell me what you missed, daddy.” you reply, causing him to groan, your hand move to his sweats moving your hand over his bulge stroking slowly just to work him up. “i think i can guess what..” 

“fuck..baby” he was losing his mind and you found joy in watching him grip the couch cushions to find some relieve, his hip moving into your hand and you can’t help but to chuckle. you move to pull out his cock, hard and heavy in your hand but you missed the feeling of him in your han and leaking precum – you kissed his lips softly, just enough to get him even more riled up and wanting more. his eyes still low and light red from the high he was still sporting but that just made you want him even more, his gaze never leaving yours as you got down on your knees. 

his legs spread and you always loved when he sat like that but now you were in between them and you missed being on your knees for him. barely containing your excitement when you started to stroke him even more, your hand moving up and hand on him making his hips jerk and a groan to slip from his lips. you let go to spit in your hand, returning to his cock and moving at that same pace before you moved closer, one hand resting on his thigh and the other guiding his cock towards your lips. 

not wasting any time you kissed his tip, licking at the precum that was there, still stroking down his shaft and teasing him just a bit before you started to suck the tip in your mouth. “s-shit, baby” his hand resting on your head, starting to grip your hair just a little and you felt a little pride in making him act like this but you know it’s because he missed you and he loved having his dick sucked. 

you missed having his dick in your mouth, your tongue moved against his tip before your lips fully wrapped around him causing him to curse under his breath and his thigh twitched against your hand, his hips itched to move, tempted to fuck your face. your head bobbed and your tongue licked at the vein residing on the side of his cock, making you moan around him and he couldn’t help the way his hip jerked and almost choked you but you never minded, you loved when he lost control of himself and started to fuck your face. you pulled off, letting the spit that gathered on your tongue drip down his shaft before you moved your hands, twisting your wrist just the way he liked it. 

wade couldn’t take his eyes off you, you were like a dream and he felt like h was heaven – your hands kept moving against him before your lips were back on him again and he couldn’t help the way his head tossed back and he moaned out loud. “you must’ve missed having daddy’s dick in your mouth” he said, his hands moving to grip your hair, pushing you down further onto his cock, he relished in feeling you try to swallow around him before you got the hang of it and relaxed your throat to let him in. 

you weren’t expecting him to push you down further and usually it wasn’t hard to relax your throat to take all of him but it was and you chalked it up to be the fact that you hadn’t had his dick in a few weeks but you quickly got the hang of it and relaxed your throat, swallowing him down just like he wanted. his hands tight in your hair and moving your head up and down at his pace, your tongue swirled around his tip before he pushed you down again making you take every inch of him. 

he couldn’t take it anymore, he pulled you off his dick and pulled you into his lap. “you drive me insane, you know? can’t wait anymore, gotta fuck you.” his words slightly slurred and his lips were on yours again, your arms wrapped around his neck and pulling him impossibly closer to you. his hands moved to the underside of your thighs, lifting you up while your hands guided his cock to your cunt, rubbing it against your folds coating him in more of your slick before you started to sink down. 

the collective groans from the both of you were loud and wade waited until you adjusted to him before he grabbed your hips and started to move you, guiding you as if you needed the practice but you didn’t, he was just desparate and needed more of you. your head dropped onto his shoulder, biting down slightly before you moved to look at him – your hips moving on their own accord now, bouncing on his cock like you needed it as if it was the air you breathed. “mm fuck, daddy feels good.” 

he loved when you called him daddy, made him want to fuck you senseless, “you know what that name does to me..”

you chuckled, “i know..right there, baby..” you moaned when his hip met your thrusts, fucking up into you roughly and his pace relentless making you cry out and fuck, it felt good but you wanted more, needed more.

wade always noticed when you needed, always attentive to you. “what do you need, baby? tell me, tell daddy what you need.” he said, he kissed down your neck leaving marks that would last a few days but you didn’t care. his hands gripped your hips again thrusting into you harder as you kept bouncing on him. 

“fuck! i need you to fuck me..please.” 

wade smirked, “but i’m already fucking you. what else could you need?” he knew exactly what you meant but he liked to see you beg for it. “hmm maybe you could tell me what you mean.” 

“wade you know what i mean, don’t play.” you retorted, your hips still moving but you needed him deeper and he knew that so why wasn’t he giving it to you. 

“maybe i do or maybe i don’t.” he said, slowing his thrusts which made you whine, clawing at his chest, “beg for it. beg for daddy, c’mon, i know you can do it. use your words and ask for it.” 

you couldn’t help but to whimper at his words, the softness of his voice making you want to do whatever he asked of you and you did just that, “please, daddy? please, fuck me harder?” 

that’s all he wanted. you couldn’t even settle with what happened before you were on your back and your legs were resting on his shoulders, he pulled out and slammed back in making you scream, “see? such a good girl, asking daddy to fuck you harder.” his hands parted your legs and moved them to your chest putting you in his favorite position just so he could fuck you harder, deeper, just the way you want him to. 

your hand gripped the couch cushions, drool leaking out the side of your mouth almost continuous from the deep thrust he kept giving you – his tip kissing your cervix and you couldn’t help but to keep clenching around him, you wanted to keep him inside of you just like that. his hands gripped your thighs tightly becoming overwhelmed by the pleasure, his eyes watched as your cunt swallowed his cock, clenching and unclenching around him every time he pulled out and pushed back in. 

tears sprung in your eyes but it all felt heavenly, feeling just how deep he was almost making your tummy bulge, your hand moved to rest on your stomach and you looked up at him seeing him focused on your pussy. “‘s good, please, please.” 

“please what? you want more?” his eyes locked with yours as he changed the pace of his thrusts, slowly moving his hips making you feel everything he had to give you, “want daddy to fuck you like a slut? hm?” 

the moan you let out was obscene, you nodded your head and he happily obliged, going back to his rough pace fucking into you like you were a two-cent whore and he hated you. he pulled out and manhandled you into that beautiful arch he would never get tired of seeing, his hand smacking your ass, once, twice, and three times hearing how loud your moans got with every hit. “s-shit wade, wade, fuck..!” 

his hand came down your ass again making your back arch even further, “that’s not my name, say it or i’ll stop” 

“daddy, m’gonna cum, gonna cum.” you said, tears running down your face and your thighs trembling, you try to push him back but he didn’t allow it, he grabbed your hands and pinned them to your back. his hip smacking against yours louder than before echoing in the room and bouncing off the walls. 

“don’t push me away, take it like a good girl. you always take it so tonight shouldn’t be any different, you asked for this so take it.” his voice rough in your ears, his hands smoothing down your stomach pressing against the bulge in your stomach, “fuck, you can feel how deep i am..” he chuckled pressing down even harder and there it was, you couldn’t hold back anymore, your thighs started to shake vigorously and your cunt clamped down on his cock tightly – your cum coating his cock. “there you go, fuck, you’re so tight.” 

your back still arched as you tried to catch your breath but as quickly as you settled, the breath was knocked out of you again when wade started to move again. you mewled into the couch, the overstimulation of his cock dragging against your walls,too sensitive for you to take but you couldn’t push him away not with his hands still pinning yours to the small of your back. “wade ‘s too much.” 

“aww it’s too much? i thought you could take it, guess not..” he mocked, his hips still unwavering and still moving not caring about how overstimulated you were, chasing his pleasure. “you can take a little more, baby. i know you can.” he said and you believed him, a whimper leaving your lips and your head moving against the couch cushions. 

His thrusts became sloppier as he became closer and closer to cumming, you couldn’t do anything but lay there and take it, receiving everything he was giving you. he cursed loudly and pulled your hips flush against his, a gasp leaving yours when you felt the warmth of his cum filling you up and his cock twitching inside of you. “fuck, fuck, take it all, baby.” 

after a minute, he pulled out and watching your combined cum leak out of your abused cunt, dripping down your leg. he pulled you closer to him, kissing your neck and cheeks softly before smoothing down your hair and caressing your cheek. “you okay, baby?” he asked you, making you smile at his concern. 

“mhm never better. don’t leave for that long again, i missed you.” you replied, grabbing his hand and kissing his palm. 

“i missed you too, princess. come on, let’s go clean up and then i’ll order us some food, okay?” you nodded in response before he kissed you again and picked you up, and carrying you to the bathroom to run a bath and cater to you for the rest of the night.

© 𝐥𝐮𝐱𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐧 | all rights reserved to me, please don’t repost, steal, or copy to any other websites

tags :: @phorxic @spiderpunkfien @s0ulxblackstar @noritopia @chosovixen @smiley-babe @tojislittlewormbaby @ask-kiyanah @etherealxmaya

[dyns33]

Obvious

Most of the time I see him as the cool silly big bro, but I love Deadpool, so here's a long Deadpool x female reader.

Normally nothing destined Y/N to meet Wade Wilson.

A normal life, without enemies, without superpowers, without contracts on her head. She didn't fight, respected the law (at least for the most serious and important things) and she considered herself to be a good person.

The first time she had passed Saint Agnes Orphanage, she hadn't really paid it much attention. The second time, she found it a little strange that an orphanage was in this part of the city, which was not really made for children.

Then one evening, when she had had a bad day, she realized that it was a bar and she decided to go in for a drink.

Since she thought an orphanage was strange in that place, she might have thought it was odd for a bar to have such a name. She could also have been scared when she saw the other customers, who all turned towards her, indicating that she might not be welcome.

But Y/N was tired, and she just wanted a drink before going home, so she smiled politely as she sat down at the counter.

The waiter frowned, but he agreed to serve her with a shrug, muttering that as long as she was an adult, it wasn't his problem.

A tall, bald, tattooed guy then approached her, putting a hand on her arm without worrying about her private space, asking her if she wanted to follow him home.

"… No thanks."

“Come on, don’t be a slut.”

"Please."

“Come with me, you stupid bitch.”

"Now, that's really not very nice. The lady said no, a gentleman should know it's time to leave. But no Hector, not only are you insisting, but you're being rude."

"Fuck you, Wade, don't get involved in this !"

The waiter continued to mumble about cleaning, while this Wade guy smashed Hector's head against the counter. A tooth even flew close to Y/N’s face.

That might have been enough to scare her completely. In addition to the surge of violence that was happening right next to her, there was the red suit, the katanas and other guns, which could make you want to flee as quickly as possible.

But when he finished kicking Hector's ass, Wade turned to her, and despite the mask, it was obvious that he was smiling, extending a hand towards her.

"Miss, my apologies for that boor. He knows nothing of good manners."

"… Thank you."

"You're very welcome, lovely angel ! Wade Wilson, Deadpool, Merc with a mouth, at your service ! Oh, he spilled your drink… Bad Hector ! Or was it me ? Maybe it was me. Weasel, the same for the little lady, on my note !”

“You already owe me a fortune.”

“I will kill whoever you want for free !”

“I thought you didn’t kill anymore.”

"Ah yes… I'll suck you for free !"

“Here you go, two drinks, just shup up Wade.”

In the end, Wade was a bit special, but not evil. He stayed with her, partly because he loved having someone to talk to, but also to make sure no one else was going to bother her again.

And he talked a lot. Everything he said didn't always make sense, he even seemed to be talking to himself sometimes, but he was funny. It seemed to please him that Y/N laughed at his jokes. Behind the counter, Weasel was still muttering that she was doing something silly.

Among the long tirade he delivered that evening, she understood that Wade had not had an easy life. That he had done some things that could make him a criminal, but he had been trying to improve for some time.

"Colossus already wanted me to become an X-men but it wasn't for me. Wait, there are X-men in this universe ? I do not know anymore. Anyway, there's Spidey and Devy. No, he's right, this nickname isn't great, Devil. Like Daredevil. They want us to be Team Red, but only if I stop unliving people. It's not fair because they're friends with Frank, and Frank keeps unliving people, but he lost his wife and his kids, so I guess he has more sympathy points than me."

"I don't understand everything, but I guess Spidey is Spiderman ?"

"Yes ! He's super cool ! And his ass ! People confuse us sometimes, it annoys me, but it's a bit of a compliment. He's my role model."

Like a true superhero, Deadpool insisted on taking her home. He was terribly honest, saying that he could leave her a few blocks away, but that was useless, because as a former mercenary, he was very good at stalking people and he could find her address without difficulty, even if he only had her name.

"Which I wouldn't do ! Normally. I might want to see you again, and ask Weasel to find your number, but I know myself, I'll put it in my phone, and I'll hesitate for weeks, then I'll send a lousy message, you'll be scared, you'll block me, I'll be ashamed and I'll shoot myself in the head because I'm a moron."

“I can give you my number.”

"And I… Huh ? Huh ?! For real ?!" exclaimed Wade, jumping like a child on Christmas Day.

Wade called her right away, specifying that it was not to verify that she was giving him a false number but a little. Despite the mask, his face showed surprise when he saw that she hadn't lied.

"I should put a bullet in my head to make sure I'm not dreaming."

“You wouldn’t wake up.”

“Baby girl, we only just met, there are a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

When Deadpool talked about shooting himself, he meant it literally. It often happened that he died, either because of an enemy, an accident, or by his own hand. But he always came back. A gift like a curse.

They became friends. It was obvious, and quite sad, that Wade didn't have many friends.

Most people around him couldn't stand him or were afraid of him. It was true that he could be quite unpredictable, especially when he got lost in his discussions with the boxes, or an imaginary audience. But he was never mean.

Weasel was more of a collaborator, Al was forced to accommodate him, and the other heroes, unable to get rid of him, tried to make him a nice guy.

And he was really nice. Crazy but adorable, funny and wanting to do well.

Very quickly, Y/N started to have a crush, and even more. Even after seeing him without a mask. He never took it off completely to eat, repeating that he didn't want her to lose her appetite or feel like throwing up.

But after landing in a trash can after a fight, and forgetting that he had invited her to watch Princess Bride, Y/N had seen him. Yes, his scars were a bit impressive, but they weren't that bad.

With an embarrassed smile, he waved his hand while remaining frozen near the entrance.

"… I can move if you want to run away. I won't follow you. I may look like Frankenstein's monster, but I only pursue young girls who ask me to. Or who deserve it. Because criminals have no gender, I don't discriminate."

“I brought popcorn.” was her only reaction.

"... Oh. Sweet ? Salty ? Caramel ? Al must have beer somewhere, hidden with the cocaine."

After that, he was a little less afraid to show his face, even though it was obvious he wasn't comfortable. It wasn't easy to reassure him, repeating that she didn't care about his appearance.

Y/N didn’t remember how they ended up having this conversation. The only thing she knew was that she was pressed against him, laughing, when she had innocently said it would be fun if they went out together.

This made Wade laugh, but a very serious laugh, leaving no chance and hitting where it hurt.

"You and me ? Ah ! No chance."

"Why ?"

"It's obvious."

A simple little sentence could sometimes do a lot of damage. Too busy making fun of the characters on the screen, Wade didn't see Y/N's look of sadness, just as he didn't feel her body stiffen.

Still, she should have expected this response. Of course it was obvious that they had nothing to do together. Deadpool was a super hero (in training), he was tall, muscular, funny, rich.

She had seen photos of his deceased ex, Vanessa. She had observed him flirting with beautiful women and men before. It was already fortunate that she was only friends with him.

So Y/N swallowed her pride, accepting the obvious, and not talking about the subject again.

But it was hard, because the more time passed, the stronger the feelings became.

It was even harder when Wade entered his depressive phases. He kept putting himself down, insulting himself and accepting insults from the boxes in his head. It took a lot of patience and perseverance to get him to put down his gun.

"Anyway, I'll come back later. Bad luck for the world. People would be happier if I wasn't here anymore. Maybe they'll miss me a little, for a few minutes."

“I would miss you, Wade.”

"Yeah… You say that because you're adorable, baby girl. But you'd be better off without me too. I'm a real drag."

“You saved me the first time we met.”

"And since then you think you owe me a debt. You know, every time we're in the street, the others look at me and they're afraid. If I wasn't there, you could be with them. You could have lots of friends.”

"I don't want lots of friends, Wade." Y/N sighed, taking him into her arms. “I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Oh, sweetie pie, me too !”

It was rarer for them to find themselves in the opposite situation. Not because Deadpool wasn't capable of empathy, but because she didn't like talking about her problems, preferring to keep everything to herself and cry out of sight.

Unfortunately, she had made the decision to become friends with a former mercenary who loved to jump from roof to roof, only to come visit without warning by tapping on the window.

Y/N had no time to hide her tears, holding back a sob as her eyes met those of Wade, who had stopped mid-movement, fist raised against his window.

He didn't hesitate before entering, terribly serious.

"Who ? Who did this ?"

“Wade…”

"Who made my baby girl cry ? I want a name. Spidey and Dev will understand. Yellow wants decapitation, White wants emasculation. Tell me who."

"It's really not necessary. It's not important."

“It’s important if you cry.” Deadpool growled as he looked around the apartment for clues.

Once he had an idea in his head, it was almost impossible to divert his attention. If it wasn't so important, it was possible with food or talking about Spiderman's butt. But this time he considered it very important.

Tired, Y/N thought that all she had to do was say that it was just a ridiculous heartbreak for him to calm down. He had no reason to kill someone just because they didn't love her back.

This actually seemed to calm him down a bit, as he patted his cheeks with his hands in a dramatic gesture.

"What ?! Someone doesn't love you ?! Someone doesn't like my sweet little angel ? Are they crazy or stupid. You deserve the best !"

"Actually… He's the one who's too good for me."

"Bullshit ! The important thing is love ! If a woman can marry a space duck, then everyone can be together, as long as it's legal and consensual !"

"… What ? No, wait, it doesn't matter. Wade, please forget it."

"A name. Let me prove to you that this fool doesn't deserve you, and not the other way around !"

"No."

"A name !"

"You ! It's you !"

For the first time since they met, Wade was silent for more than a minute, staring at her like he wasn't sure she was real. He often had hallucinations, so this happened to him.

Then he muttered incomprehensible things, probably speaking with his boxes to check that he had heard what she had just said.

"… Me ? As in, me ?"

“I know what you’re going to say.” Y/N sighed, wanting to disappear. "You've already said it, it's obvious that we're not meant to be together. You're charismatic, and strong, and funny, with powers. You save people, you have an extraordinary life, while I… I am me."

"… Baby girl. Do you have a fever ? Did you lose a bet ? Because… You saw me without a mask. You know I'm crazy and dangerous. There are several bounties on my head, I've unlived more people than the population of New York, and my favorite movie is Zoolander 2. When I said it was obvious… I meant that you were too good for me."

There had been a misunderstanding, each being convinced that the other could never want the other, because they were too different. But even though he was special, with skin problems and an inability to concentrate for more than ten minutes, Wade was much better than a space duck.

However, while she was sure of what she wanted, he hadn't clearly said what he expected next.

"I mean, if you just want to be friends, I'll understand."

"You can't tease me like that and then break my heart. Don't play with me, woman !"

“Wade…” Y/N sneered, as he gesticulated like a degenerate, declaiming his great love for her and her smile, the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Taking advantage of his inattention, she approached him, until he froze when he felt her hands on his mask.

With a look, she asked him if she could take it off, and as he didn't move to stop her, she took it off first up to his nose, before hesitating.

Y/N didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but she also didn’t want him to think that she didn’t want to see him if she didn’t go further. So she took out the whole mask, she observed Wade, smiling before kissing him.

"… Don't take what comes next as a bad thing." he whispered as their lips parted.

"What ?"

"I'm going to have a heart attack…"

As always, Y/N thought he was joking at first, until he collapsed in front of her, looking delighted even though his heart had stopped beating. Fortunately she was used to seeing him die, even if it was still a little traumatic.

It took almost an hour for him to wake up. Y/N had time to take a shower and make herself some tea, sitting on the couch to wait.

"Shit !" he shouted as he opened his eyes, looking around the apartment before looking at her. “Did we kiss ?”

“Yes and you died.”

"It's weird. Normally you go to heaven after you die, not before. But I probably don't have enough superhero points for heaven yet, so the other option is that I became totally crazy."

“Wade…”

"I know, White and Yellow would have told me. They're already saying that all the time, but they would have insisted, especially for me to escape from the asylum. It's no fun fighting with fake people and hippos. Was I dead long ?"

“No, a little over half an hour.”

"And you stayed with me, it's so cute. Nurse Y/N. No, Doctor Y/N, and I'll be Nurse Wilson. Oh, Doctor Y/N, I made a mistake in the dosage of a patient, I'm a bad nurse, punish me."

"… Let's see Nurse Wilson, we're in the middle of an intervention, calm down."

"Uh oh ! You're playing along !" Wade exclaimed, pouting from the ground. "I didn't expect that ! Wait, I need a blonde wig, and a white dress. You'll see, I look super sexy in a dress. Wait, we do this now or it's quick and we should have a date first ?'

“I wouldn’t say no to a date.”

"I see the genre, like in novellas. Doctor Y/N takes me to the restaurant to talk about my future promotion, but in fact, you are going to admit to me that I am pregnant with you, before I even enter your bed !"

“As long as you’re in my bed before the hundredth episode.”

“UH !”

The small, high-pitched cry of pleasure preceded a second cardiac arrest, Deadpool's mind imagining Y/N and him in a bed, with a stetoscope.

When she asked him if he was going to have a heart attack every time, he told her that he would probably die for good the day he saw her naked, or that they made love for the first time.

But Wade was a gentleman, he ate lots of vegetables, exercised, and begged Daredevil to teach him meditation techniques.

So he had the courtesy of having the next heart attack only after they were finished, and in the toilet. And every time after that they were together, Wade would go out of his way to just get a nosebleed.

Especially on Weasel's counter, telling him everything they had done or almost everything, which annoyed the poor waiter a lot, even if he knew that it would happened from the start, the moment he saw Deadpool with Y/N.

[your-next-daydream]

Wade Wilson x equally chaotic reader hcs 👀

AH MY FIRST ASK! Thanks for requesting bro!

Ok you didn't specify if you wanted platonic or romantic? Soooo imma do both😃

Reader has no specified gender

Platonic hcs

Oh? Do you want to leave the house without a warm Wade Wilson goodbye? No, you're going to get a hug that smells of cocaine and weed. Upon finally leaving, you hear, "Bye kiddo, make sure you get in trouble for Papa!" With an over exaggerated kiss blown your way.

"Hey kiddo, have you seen my katana...kid? Why is my katana in that guys stomach right now?" He said with a hand in his hip. "I don't know. I got bored, and he was conveniently placed there."

Chimichangas for breakfast and dinner. Lunch is a healthy dose of some sort of drugs or killing. There is no in between. Desert is rom-coms and tears don't forget to say hello to his unicorn.

You help blind Al around the house but for fucks sake quit making so many sex jokes around that poor lady.

please...clean Wade's suit... it smells horrible

"Hey Wade, want to go TP and throw eggs at the X mansion with me? Colossus pissed me off again." You muttered, grabbing some of Al's eggs promising you'd pay her back later. "Umm fuck yeah I want to! Just don't hit pinky pie or teenage angst they'll have my head...well they kinda can, I can just grow a new one!"

You joke about getting avocado lotion for him. "Hey, Deads, I got this avocado scented lotion for you. Maybe some pheromone shit will happen, and you won't look like a dumpster fire anymore." He whipped his head around, grabbing where his heart is and stumbling around,"wounded"

You cut Wade's arm off once just to give it to a bad guy asking, "Need a hand?" While Wade came up behind that person killing them.

he takes you to the bar with him, and you both get on Weasel's ever loving last nerve. I mean, he's both of y'all's arms dealer. Why not mess with him?

there was a fight Wade started in the bar, once where he broke his leg off and just started beating people with it.

Romantic hcs

What's personal space? He's always touching or hugging unless you specifically tell him not to.

you reassure him that he's still a handsome man. You lightly pick on him for being an old avocado, but that's about it.

he gives you his unicorn and whatever else of his you want before he leaves for a mission.

there was a time when you came with him and you both got captured. You're actually the one who figured out how to escape...he was just gonna cut himself up to fit through the bars.

sex jokes? Oh yeah, all the time. You can't stop this man he's hitting on you like you guys are at the bar, and he's trying to take you home. You shock him if you return the same energy.

makes sure you're asleep before he even thinks about going to bed himself.

you and him took a pole dance class so he could show off, and he wanted to see you move like that.

he had a funny idea to put his mask on you during a mission, and it was funny watching another version of himself walking around killing.

Do you know those hugs where you get picked up and are just held there for a while? Yeah, that's him, except his face is in your chest no matter what it looks like.

Colossus has walked in on you both making out and out of embarrassment. You attempted to cover it up and say, "You wanna join?" But Wade went along saying "Yeah big boy, wanna have some funnnn?" You hit him on the head.

Pizza and movie dates. It doesn't matter where y'all are you guys are going on a date if he can help it. He thinks it's cuter when you set things up.

Oh, someone hurt you? They never existed. He knows you can handle yourself he wanted to take care of it.

He'll buy you Deadpool themed merchandise ALL. THE. TIME. You like are running out of space for it at this point.

There's a hoodie with his logo on it and he's definitely fucked you in that hoodie before.

He probably would like running a knife or a gun down your sides. The gun is never loaded, but you don't know that.

knows he could get out of it, but he thinks it'd be fun if you tied him up.

Oh, I'm definitely thinking about his stamina and strength...

After y'all do have sex straight to the bathtub or shower to get cleaned off. He could care less, but he knows you want to be clean.

CUDDLE SPOONING KING

He'd like to be little spoon sometimes. Other than that, he likes laying between your legs with his arms around your waist to make sure you can't leave in the morning.

[crazyk-imagine]

The Horrors of Blenders

Pairing: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson x Supe!reader

Warnings: Wade being wade, reader making it funny, I can't with these two, we love a chaotic duo, I love this fandom bc you can get crazy with it, cursing, this is the shortest thing I've ever written

Word Count: 147

Based on this post

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He doesn't notice you at first, or maybe, he didn't care enough to check.

You stare at him with a horrified look, you've been watching him for too long and feel like you can't move.

He turns to make his way into the living room, finally noticing you.

You can tell he's smiling under the mask by his movements, "perks" of being his friend (and ally, if he ever needed backup).

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you here just yet."

"I wasn't expecting to be traumatized but yet, here we are."

"What do you mean?" He lifts his mask so he can take a sip of his drink.

"You blended a fucking chimichanga! Who does that? Insane people, that's who."

"Who told you I was sane?"

You narrow your eyes to him. "Fair point." You plop onto the couch. "Finish your demon juice so we can watch tv."

[thebisexualdogdad]

Hahaha, omg we need more headcannons or Deadpool’s son x Kate!

Kate Bishop x Male!reader

● wherever you and Kate go chaos follows

● chaos that you are usually the one creating

● "Y/N did you steal one of my trick arrows again??" Kate says as an explosion goes off

● "uh... No" you reply trying to hide the other bomb arrow in your hand

● you never waste a chance to flirt with her even in a fight

● "Kate, have I ever told you how great your ass looks in that suit?"

● "Y/N you are literally being choked out by a bad guy right now"

● "babe you should know by now I like being choked"

● the bad guy looking at Kate "is he being serious right now?"

● whenever you and Yelena hang out Kate is basically playing babysitter

● Kate "no, no you guys can't break into the ice cream shop and steal all their ice cream"

● you "I mean we wouldn't be stealing all the ice cream we'll leave them the shitty flavors like pistachio and mint chocolate chip"

● Yelena "never trust a green ice cream"

● you "I don't trust green foods in general"

● Kate "yes I know, I have to hide vegetables in your dinner just to get you to eat them"

● "I knew it! But you're cute so I'll forgive you"

● after Eleanor went to prison Kate took over at Bishop security

● not that she's there much, she just kind of shows up every once in a while and asks "everything good? Yeah? Cool see you next month"

● but the two of you often break in at night to use all the high tech software to get Intel for missions

● "watch out babe there might be trip lasers" you say on the ground trying to spot any traps

● "Y/N I used my key to get us in here, I disabled the alarm system five minutes ago and how many times do i need to tell you we don't use lasers"

● "oh right… You want to make out on your desk?"

● "... after we get the files we came for"

● you have a lot of dinners with your dad

● he is yours and Kate's biggest fan

● "so, when are you two going to give me grandkids?"

● "oh my God dad!"

● "what? I'm not getting any younger I need a grandbaby to spoil and I'd prefer it to be before im old and moldy, you know, you should name them Wilson"

● "you want us to name a child… Wilson Wilson?"

● "Imagine how funny it would be! I wanted to name you that Y/N but your mom said no… what a buzzkill"

● "I'm so sorry Kate"

● "it's okay, my mom asked me the same thing last time I went to visit her in prison"

● Wade smiling "I'm hearing wedding bells"

[pussy-puncher]

Wade: Have you done LSD?

Peter P: Nope.

Wade: God dammit!

[wandaswifeyforlifey]

Wade: If you go on a murder spree, is being in a silly, goofy mood an excuse your honour?

[pinkykitten]

you so fu**in' precious when you

SMILE

[soupsandwich64]

Y/N: *sitting with deadpool*

Deadpool: *sitting on Y/N*

Deadpool: Hey..

Y/N: ??

Deadpool: *kicking feet* I would still love you even you were a mentally ill girl on tumblr reading self insert fanfiction about me as a fictional character *he says, poking your nose*

[terracebatman]

Deadpool 3 cameos

[myriadimagines]

[x] // requester: anonymous // request here

“Are you fucking serious?” you scoffed as Wade strolled into the room, shirtless. You hung up a bauble on the tree as you continued, “Do you really have to do this shirtless?”

“I thought it might give our Christmas decorating a little something... extra.” Wade grinned, before clapping his hands together. “Let’s get Christmassy, bitches!”

[dyns33]

Flufftober 25 - Deadpool

Wade Wilson x reader 

           "This must be your favorite day."

           "Because you're a freak."

           "I think he understood. Unless he's stupid."

           "Haha. You guys are sooooo funny. Halloween, my favourite day, because I wear a mask all the time, and under the mask I look like a moldy avocado. Nobody never said that to me. I think someone did, to Batman, so I'll take that as a compliment."

           "You're not as handsome as Batman. With and without the mask."

           "Thank you, Yellow, you're adorable."

           "More than you, for sure."

Wade didn't know why he kept chatting with the boxes. They were never nice to him and they didn't deserve his attention.

Maybe it was because no one else wanted to talk to him. Despite his best efforts, people still ended up finding him weird, crazy, and dangerous. This was incomprehensible to Wade, who thought he was the best friend in the world.

Loyal, funny, ready to kill if asked, for money or a hug.

According to Spidey, Red, and Moon-Moon, the only heroes who agreed to spend some time with him, he didn't do it well. He was too intense and he had to stop threatening people, whether it was to protect the people he loved, or to ask the people he loved to love him back.

And all of that was when he had his mask on.

No normal person ever gave him a chance seeing his face, running off before they tried to get to know him.

It was a bit hurtful, but Wade could understand. He had already vomited and passed out after seeing himself in a mirror. At the same time.

So even if they said that to be mean, the boxes weren't wrong. His scorched pizza face could only come out on Halloween, because people thought it was a disguise then, and everyone praised him, saying he was really awful, which was so cool. Just for that day.

The other days it was just awful.

           "We could enter a contest. We would win a prize."

           "At the end, they will understand that it is not a costume and they will throw tomatoes at you while laughing, like Quasimodo."

           "Even Quasimodo is more handsome."

           "He's not with the girl at the end."

           "And Wade is single, I don't see where the problem is."

           "I want tacos !" declared Wade, who was tired of listening to them, even though he knew they were going to follow him wherever he went. They were silent only when he shot himself in the head, and never for very long.

It was nice to go out without the mask for once. He decided to put on a cap anyway, to avoid attracting too much attention. If someone asked him, he was a sexy zombie, and a famous one, but incognito, so he didn't accept photos, thank you.

On his way, he passed an ice cream shop, and eating ice cream before the tacos seemed like a good idea. It all ended up in the stomach at the end, the order didn't really matter.

It was a little cold, so there weren't many people in the shop. Some stared at him, both frightened and fascinated, smiling shyly at him when he greeted them.

It was that stupid gesture, to wave his hand to embarrass strangers, that changed his life. Well, maybe not his life, but at least his day.

No, yes, his whole life.

Wade's hand passed very close to the girl who was patiently waiting her turn behind him, touching her hair, and they both jumped at the same time.

The poor innocent backed off, while he immediately apologized, explaining that he hadn't done it on purpose, and that she had no reason to be afraid or disgusted, he wasn't sick or contagious, just ugly.

           "Well, I guess there's reason to be disgusted, I have a special face."

           "Oh. No, sorry, I was surprised, I was thinking about the ice cream I was going to choose, I thought something was falling on me, like an insect."

           "If I was an insect, I would be a dung beetle. Often screwed up, but very useful for the whole world."

The boxes told him he was ridiculous, but that made the young girl laugh. They then told him that she was making fun of him, while she added that he was funny, with a charming smile.

           "My name is Y/N." she said, holding out her hand, as if she wanted him to shake it. He couldn't do that, she was way too pretty for him to touch.

           "Wade Winston Wilson. Triple W. My dad was an alcoholic, he wanted to call me Georges, but eventually he gave the dog that name, and he loved him more than me."

           "I hope that's not true."

           "The name story isn't. Shall I buy you ice cream?  To make up for almost slapping you. Really sorry, I'll never do that. I'll cut my hand off rather than hit a woman. I've fought women before, but they were bad guys, I mean bad girls, and I think it's pretty feminist of me not to discriminate, but I won't hit a helpless woman who didn't do anything wrong. I'm actually hired to hunt down guys who do this, and sometimes I even do it for free."

This made Y/N laugh again, and Wade considered that she hadn't understood that he was serious.

Not to scare her away, he didn't insist. She had accepted that he pay for her ice cream, if in exchange he agreed to stay a little with her to discuss.

           "I thought you wanted tacos." White reminded him.

           "But now he wants Y/N."

           "She's too good for him. Just like Esmeralda with Quasimodo."

           "She's much prettier than Esmeralda."

           "What ?" Y/N asked looking at him in surprise.

           "Nothing, I... I'm talking to myself, I was thinking of something else. So, not dressed up for Halloween yet ?"

           "No, not yet. I'm not sure I'm going out tonight, the streets aren't safe, and I have a date."

Wade did his best to hide his disappointment, so very badly. This made the young woman laugh again.

           "I mean, I have a date with my sofa, my television, a blanket and some chocolate."

           "I think we have a date with the same person tonight. It's terrible, they're cheating on us, we should get revenge by going out together !"

           "Haha, yes, why not."

He had said that as a joke, really. It was one of the only non-serious things he had said since the moment he saw her sweet face and his heart almost stopped beating at so much beauty, and now Y/N had just accepted a go on a date with him.

           "No, she's joking too."

           "Yes she didn't understand that we were really ugly."

           "I'm really ugly." repeated Wade, pointing his fork at his face. "It's not a mask, I look like it all year round. And I'm really hired to punch bad guys, or worse."

           "I know. You're Deadpool. You sometimes work with Spiderman and other heroes, I've seen you on the news."

           "... And it's okay ?"

           "Yes." simply replied the angel who was eating her ice cream in front of him.

White yelled at him that they were probably dead again and dreaming while he was regenerating. Yellow whispered to him that it was a cruel joke, or that she was a Hydra spy who wanted to capture him to study his cells. Wade watched the rainbows and butterflies floating in the air, hearts in his eyes.

Obviously, Y/N didn't see the little hearts, taking his silence for a rejection.

           "If I was too quick, I'm sorry, I... You're nice, and funny, and I had a great time with you. But if you're not interested, or you already have someone, or...'

           "No ! I'm having a great time too. It's much better than tacos ! I wanted to eat tacos before stopping here."

           "Really ? We... We could go have some together?  Then I don't know. We'll see. Do you have a number ?"

Convinced that she wouldn't call him, he gave her his personal number. The one he had given to his pals of the Team Red of the Moon, and that was it, because all the other people he knew didn't deserve to know this number, with its brilliant voicemail where he imitated Ryan Reynolds, only knowing his professional phone, where he was making farts noises.

Except that Y/N immediately sent him a message, while they were still together.

           "Here. That way we can schedule another date."

           "Another date ?"

           "Yeah... I mean, unless we don't consider today to be a date. Sorry, we'll schedule a first date."

           "I don't know if White and Yellow are right, but I don't care."

           "What ?"

           "Nothing. Shall we go and eat tacos ?"

Leaving way too much money for the waitress, Wade hopped happily alongside Y/N who was still smiling like he didn't look like an idiot with a ravaged face, and Wade thought to himself that Halloween was maybe actually his favourite day. And that eating ice cream before the meal was a great idea !

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Hi! I was the person before with earth shattering excitement that you write for Wade and I was wondering if you could write something with a gender neutral partner who has Tourette’s? If not it’s okay! But I have Tourette’s and it’s honestly exhausting. I get a lot of (deeply unwanted) attention because of it so it’s made me mildly agoraphobic and when I am out, I get really anxious, which in turn, triggers my tics more but there was one occasion that I had gone out with a group of friends (two of which I didn’t know very well and one that I had never met before that day- like a friend of a friend kind of thing) but when we walked into a shopping center, it hit me, and without even skipping a beat, the one I’d never met prior, just went ‘FUCK’ back at me and it was honestly so funny because it caught me off guard but because I tend to get a couple of stares, anytime it happened, he’d go out of his way to one up whatever my tic was, which most of them aren’t even swearing (a couple of times, it did triggered it more and one of the things he said has become a long term tic that still occurs) but for the most part, I was too amused to worry about other people and it was a fun outing with minimal anxiety but I was wondering if you could write something similar like that with Wade? But maybe he can tell when it’s getting too much for his s.o because I can’t speak for everyone with Tourette’s but it causes me a fair amount of pain and is just overall draining not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I know the way that I put it at first made it sound silly, like it’s all fun and games, but it’s not in the slightest. So, maybe it could be something similar, but when Reader starts getting overwhelmed/their muscles start spasming (mine tends to manifest mostly in my neck) Wade completely shifts gears and is really gentle with them. He just holds them and talks them through it and maybe gives them his hoodie as like a sensory comfort thing until it passes and he helps them into a bath. I understand that this isn’t the kind of thing you usually write, so no pressure but it would mean a lot to see such a personal representation with my comfort character. Your writing is stellar by the way, you’re absolutely amazing!

Thank you so much for trusting me with this request, love 💜 I hope you enjoy it!

Centre of Attention || Wade Wilson

Wade Wilson x tourettes!gn!reader 

Warnings: Where to begin...18+ only, nsfw, swearing, canon-typical Deadpool nonsense & violence, injuries (reader & Wade), mentions of blood, fluff WC: 2k

You opened the fridge door and just managed to miss hitting with your forehead as your neck jerked, tossing your head forwards. Your stomach growled once again and you looked for something to eat but what little food there was looked completely unappealing so you closed it a little harder than you meant to, the jam jars rattling as the glass clinked. With a sigh, you pulled out your phone and called Wade, hoping he wasn’t too busy to answer the phone.

“Yello,” he answered happily, “what can I do you for?”

“Free, if you bring me home some food.” You replied before your tongue suctioned to the roof of your mouth and made a loud pop.

“God I love it when you use your tongue like that.” He groaned before shouting. “No, no, not the schlong!”

You heard a gunshot ring out, almost deafening you through the phone and Wade’s pained cry sounded more like he was in mourning than hurt. Your phone almost fell from your hand as your fingers bent to the shape of a gun and you mimicked the shots fired. “You alright there, baby? Bang! Bang!”

“Please hold the line, daddy’s gotta make somebody pay.” He whispered before Angel of the Morning started playing and you put the phone on speaker to listen while you waited for him to take you off hold.

It had just built up to the chorus and you were singing your heart out when the music died and Wade returned. “Goddammit.”

“Lose the…tip again?” You asked with a whistle between your words.

“The tip?” He gasped. “I’m six inches short of a sub sandwich and I have a gaping glory hole that needs to be sewn.”

Wade seemed to lose his dick more than any other body part but thankfully it didn’t take too long to regrow. Still, it had to hurt. You weren’t going to offer to sew his costume again, not after the last time when your arm muscles had spasmed and you pricked yourself with the needle.

“Are you going to be long? I’m, your daddy now, hungry.” You said as your head jerked and you felt the muscles beginning to ache at the repetitive tic.

“You could meet me at Sister Margaret's.” Wade suggested as he plugged the hole where his cock used to be, stemming the bleeding as he left the mangled remains of a cartel behind him. “And could you bring a change of clothes? Mei Mei’s red panda has nothing on this bad boy.”

You didn’t really want to go to Weasel’s bar because the wayward mercenaries usually left you with a few new tics, and some tended to last longer than others, but you found yourself agreeing when your stomach rumbled yet again. “Fine, but no blowjobs tonight.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He lied. “Oh, Dopinder just got here - I’ll see you soon.“

“See you soon.” You could hear the car door shutting as he climbed into the taxi and your hand slapped your chest leaving a burning mark in the shape of your hand. “I love you.”

“I love you more than a finger in my ass.”

“That’s a lot of love.” You laughed before ending the call and making your way to Sister Margaret’s School for Wayward Children.

Wade had beaten you there my seconds as you saw Dopinder’s taxi pulling away from the curb and you gave him a wave, but not without first raising your fist with your middle finger up. Your tics were already increasing just by being close to the chaotic atmosphere of the bar and the moment you opened the door your head jerks strained your neck muscles. The entire bar turned as you stepped inside, and raised their glasses with a shout of curses - bets laid to guess which would be the first out of your mouth.

Your elbow flew back, smashing into the brick wall behind you, and your eyes blinked uncontrollably with the pain radiating up your arm. You were overwhelmed with their attempts to trigger you and Wade noticed that you weren’t finding it amusing like you had on previous occasions. He slammed his glass down on the bartop with a shout for everyone to shut up and the raucous fizzled out, your palm slapping the already tender skin of your chest once again and a whistle piercing the air.

“Sorry, motherfucker cocksucker.” You apologised as you made your way through the crowd towards Wade as he came to meet you halfway.

“Don’t apologise to these sore losers.” Wade said, before pointing to the wager board that showed he won the bet with your first curse.

“What’s with the fanny pack?” You frowned as you looked at the pouch he wore low on his hips, your nose wrinkling in rapid succession until you felt like you needed to sneeze.

“What, this old thing?” He asked as he unclipped it and you saw the half healed wound that used to be his manhood. “Dee thinks it suits me.”

“Lord Little Dick.” You shouted before clipping the pack back in place. “Jesus, that’s bad. Are you sure it was a gun?”

“Believe me.” He nodded. “I saw that puppy up close and extremely personal.”

You took a seat at the bar where Wade had been sitting while he went and changed into the clothes you bought for him, Weasel making polite small talk while trying to diffuse the outcrops of fighting that arose sporadically. Your boyfriend arrived back just in time to see a steaming pile of something resembling nachos placed in front of you.

“Well that looks worse than I do.” He cringed as he picked up a corn chip that was saggy with a brown sauce of undetermined origins. “I can already taste the Hep B.”

You pushed the bowl away and Wade caught it before your hand shot out again to toss it all over the bench. He could see you weren’t your usual self and he sat down, pulling you between his legs so he could wrap his arms around you and keep your arms tight to your side. You started to relax in his tight embrace, his strength able to keep your sudden muscle tics from hurting yourself even more and you looked up at him with a grateful smile. His own smile grew until your head jerked forward, the crunch of his nose breaking under the force of your forehead, and he groaned as he tipped his head back.

“How come they get to have all the fun?” Patch complained as he pointed to you. “I want to break his nose.”

“Fuck off, Patch.” You growled as you grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped the blood running over Wade’s lips. “Bitch ass pussy.”

Your neck twisted painfully, again and again, before Wade forgot about his already healing nose and caught you. “It’s a bit much in here tonight, let's just pick up something on the way home.”

He pulled his hoodie up over his head before draping his arm over your shoulder and leading you out to the quieter streets not far from where you lived. You laughed as he started beatboxing, watching the few people who had been staring at you as you whistled and popped your lips turn their attention to his horrible sounds. He grinned as he heard your laugh, the bystanders already a distant memory thanks to him and his distractions.

“No one gets to outshine Wade-wikiwiki-Wilson.” He boasted as he pretended to scratch a vinyl until he spotted the local pizza joint still open. “Not even you. Pizza?”

You were almost at the point where you would eat anything, except Weasel’s nacho’s, but there was a crowd of drunk people filling the pizza parlour and you dreaded stepping inside. Wade felt his hand get tugged as he found you weren’t following and turned to see your wide eyes riddled with anxiety. It was a small space and you knew you would not hold in your tics long enough to have your order cooked, you knew you would once again be the centre of attention.

Dropping your hand, Wade pulled his hoodie over his head and bared his scarred face to the world. “Put this on, hun, I got you.”

You knew he didn’t like how he looked just like he knew how wearing his hoodie calmed you, this was his killing two birds with one stone - you were calm and they had something more intriguing to stare at. There were a few side glances when you ticked but most of their attention was firmly fixed on Wade as he ordered a Ham and Pineapple pizza for himself before ordering your usual.

You were exhausted as you stepped over the threshold and back into your own safe space, Wade following with the food and a bag of Epsom Salts from the 7/11 on the corner. You helped yourself to the pizza as you dropped onto the couch and listened to Wade singing to himself in the bathroom. You were starting to wonder what he was doing until he popped out and ate half of his pizza in under 60 seconds before darting back into the room.

Your neck was sore but your stomach was full and you were happy that at least one problem had been solved by leaving the house. You curled yourself deeper into Wade’s hoodie, tugging the strings so only a small ring of vision could be seen and his scent enveloped you. It was only when you saw his knees come into that peephole that you looked up, gasping at the sight of his ¾ sized penis regrowing before skipping straight to his face.

“Up, up.” He said as he pulled you to your feet, his hands already reaching for the hoodie and lifting it up your body. “You did so well coming out tonight but now it’s time for you to relax, have a nice hot bath, then daddy’s gonna massage you alllllll over.”

He left your clothes scattered all the way to the bathroom before climbing into the steaming water and promptly jumping back out. “Yup, that’s boiling. Ow, ow, should have checked that first.”

You couldn’t help laughing at his silliness as you ran the cold tap and checked the temperature, the floor getting wet as you splashed the surface at Wade. “Shit, sorry.”

“Stop apologising.” He soothed as he began to massage the tight muscles at the top of your back until you were moaning as he relieved the tension. “You’re so tight.”

“Stop it.” You chuckled as he moaned in your ear and whispered innuendo’s. “Bath’s ready.”

He kissed your neck softly before taking a seat in the hot water, spreading his legs so you could fill the space between. The water was perfect and you could smell the Epsom Salt in the steam, hoping it would absorb into your muscles and ease the remaining tension from them. Wade pulled you back against his chest and cradled your arm, seeing the blossoming bruise on your elbow, and he held it through the tics that twitched along it.

You looked over your shoulder as you felt the throes reaching your spine. “Can you hold me, please?”

He answered with a nod and a kiss to your forehead as he wrapped his arms over yours and around your waist, his legs around yours, the comfort like your own perfect swaddle. “Course I can, hun, anything you need.”

[crazyk-imagine]

Disappointment and Broken Windows

Pairing: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson x Supe!reader (platonic)

Characters: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson, Supe!reader, Colssous, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio

Warnings: Cursing, classic deadpool things, nothing new here, reader and wade are chaotic siblings, this gets better and better I promise, wade hinting at things, breaking of the fourth wall, the x-men mansion, wade breaking the mansion, wade being wade, reader kind of acting like a fem wade

Word Count: 427

Based on this post

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You wander into the mansion, opening your bag of snacks you stole from Wade.

You don't realize the loud crunching coming from you with each bite you take as you stare at the statues.

"Good morning," Colossus says, walking down the stairs.

"Hey, tin man. How are you?"

"I am good. I would be better if you would call me by my name."

You click your tongue, "I'd rather not. It makes this," you gesture between the two of you, "less special."

"It would be nicer if you used my name."

"Nah."

He rolls his eyes, "where is Wade?"

"Somewhere disappointing our lord and savior, Jesus."

Negasonic Teenage Warhead chuckles along with her girlfriend.

You smile and nod at them before turning back to the silver man, groaning at his unamused look. "Oh, come on, that was funny."

"I did not find it to be funny."

"We'll you're just no fun."

"I am fun."

"Nope!" A crash comes from the window and a flash of red rolls across the floor, ruining the expensive carpet. "I'm fun."

"Wade, you fuckhead! You just bleed all over this expensive ass carpet. How are they supposed to come in and sit now when all they're going to do is remember you?"

He shrugs, "now they have a piece of me with them forever."

You scrunch your nose, "no one wants that, babe." You grab another chip, "and it's coming out of your paycheck."

He lets out a chuckle, "fake chuckle, not amused. I don't get paid enough to buy a new rug."

"Take it to a dry cleaner."

"The only thing dry enough to be cleaned is the tin man's body," he reaches behind him and grabs Colossus' junk.

"Oh, dude! I'm eating."

"I'm trying to."

The tall man groans at Wade's language and throws him out the window he broke.

"Finally, someone has common sense."

"Maybe you two should reminisce and talk about the old days so no one has to take you to a dry cleaner."

You furrow your brows, "do you ever know what a dry cleaner is?"

"A place where lonely people meet people to get down and f-"

"That's a poorly run strip club or a brothel."

"Isn't brothel what goes in soup?"

"That's broth."

"Oh! Now I get it." He nods, turning his head to the side. "I'm lying, I totally don't get it, but I don't want them to think I'm not smart."

-

"Wade got some of Ethel's coke again."

Colossus tilts his head, "how do you know?"

"He's talking to his audience."