#which I genuinely think was a good decision cause I enjoyed the fuck out of it

[blakbonnet]

Season 2 is great on 40% budget but our Unicorn man deserved a nice goodbye and proper apology from Blackbeard. That is my only complain.

I think Ned Low deserved an apology actually because he worked so hard on his record and then no one even acknowledged it, yknow? Like ed should've apologised to him for breaking his record on half a whim (and when they said whim prone it was actually a nod to Ned and nothing about blackbonnet), because he's such an important character who followed them and everything, and he actually had ed's true interests at heart the entire time when he called him a low born dirtbag, I feel like those words could be taken to mean as words of concern and love, and he never got a proper apology and that's my real complaint from s2 tbh

[suzukiblu]

Ko-fi thank-you sentences for an anon; a fake cryptid and a real romantic.

“I think I’m gonna try making him a ruby and do that in a trilliant cut,” Superboy says decisively, which isn’t necessarily much progress towards “normal” friend-making but again, Clark doesn’t want to discourage either a hobby or a creative outlet for the kid. Or just literally anything that isn’t about being a superhero, even if the trilliant cut resembling the S-shield and making friends with a vigilante are only sort of “not about being a superhero”. 

Look, the kid’s six months old and was educated by ethically bankrupt scientists and absolutely exhausted grad student interns, absolutely none of whom had either normal childhoods or an interest in instilling any semblance of “normal” in their cloned Superman’s head. Clark’s not going to be picky here, he’s just gonna meet him where he’s at and go from there. 

Superboy has some unfortunate difficulties understanding the difference between celebrity attention versus genuine admiration and things like that, and also an unfortunate tendency towards causing a lot of unnecessary property damage and jumping to conclusions and temper issues, but he tries, and he clearly does think about things. There’s just a lot to figure out in the world, and he’s had to do it in speed-run mode and while being an active superhero. 

Really, Clark thinks the kid’s doing a lot better as a superhero than he would’ve done at his “age”, and he’d actually been that “age”. Superboy is frankly just about the best-case scenario that could’ve come out of a situation like Cadmus and also mercifully only seems to be minimally traumatized by the sorry excuse for a “childhood” he was provided, so . . .

“That sounds nice,” Clark says, smiling at him. “I’m sure you’ll do a good job with it.” 

“I’m gonna do a good job with it if it fucking kills me,” Superboy says, looking determined, which seems like a lot of intensity to put into making a gift for a friend, but again: six months old and educated by ethically bankrupt scientists. Clark is going to stick with the “meeting him where he’s at” approach. 

“Just do your best to start, maybe,” he says wryly, reaching over to pat the kid’s shoulder. Superboy grins at him, his expression turning pleased. 

“I will!” he says. “Wanna see some of the test ones?” 

“Sure,” Clark says, figuring Superboy will just–

Nope, no, Superboy just immediately stuck both hands into his jacket pockets and came up with two big fistfuls of a good dozen high-quality diamonds done in trilliant cuts. Very large diamonds. 

Heavens to Betsy, Clark thinks a little faintly. That is . . . that is so many diamonds for Superboy to just have in his pockets. They weren’t even zipped shut! They weren’t even buttoned! 

Superboy lays his series of diamonds all out in neat little rows on the ledge, because there are enough of them to require multiple rows, and then reaches back into his pockets for a few more, because of course there are more. Clark continues to feel vaguely faint and has absolutely no idea how to point out how much money this is. Even at lab diamond rates, this is so much money. Just–so much. 

At this point in his life Clark has seen entire planets made of diamond, mind, but he still grew up in smalltown Kansas as a farm kid, so there’s something about seeing quite this many virtually flawless ones just laid out on a Metropolis rooftop the same way he would’ve shown off his POG collection to his friends as a kid. Even the damn cuts are just shy of perfect. 

Well, at least Superboy’s enjoying his first hobby, he supposes. But also, Jesus H. Christ.

“They look good, kid,” Clark says, smiling at him encouragingly. No need to take the wind out of his sails, obviously. Though seeing them now, it does occur to him to wonder–“Where did you get the tools?” 

They must be good ones, because honestly he really wasn’t expecting results this good–or even half this good–from a six month-old teenager. Superboy could definitely ruin De Beers’s day with those.

Or their industry, again. 

. . . well, it is De Beers, so . . . 

“Oh, I don’t have any,” Superboy says, shaking his head. “I just use my TTK.” 

Clark . . . pauses, for a moment. 

Clark pauses for a long moment. 

“Tactile telekinesis can cut diamond?” he asks carefully. “This precisely?” 

“Yeah!” Superboy beams proudly at him. “Cool, right?” 

Clark looks very, very closely at the diamonds. The cuts on them are practically atom-sharp. 

Alright then, he thinks to himself even more carefully.

[stxrvel]

the outbreak pt. 2

summary: you've kinda been into therapy and turns out it worked?

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +4k

warnings: nothing really, i think. this is actually kinda fluffly. i was in a good mood.

note: i didn't planned on publishing the second part so soon, but i had a lot of free time and a mind running wild. still didn't liked that much how this chapter turned out tho. hoping i could make another part to see what happened to my girl wanda! see you guys in the next fic, love yall. the feedback is always appreciated! thank u for reading.

(if a part 3 never appears, just know this is an open ending)

part 1, extra: 1.5

“So, how've you been doing these past few weeks?”

“You don't have to make small talk to me, Natasha. I enjoy the silence.”

“I ask genuinely. I barely even see you in the halls of the Complex. We only really talk on missions and we've had three since that happened.”

“Don't worry about me.”

“I just want to know how you're doing.”

You turned your head to look at the woman sitting next to you. The uncomfortable leather chair you two were in did nothing to appease the constant headache you'd been having these past few days. Natasha watched you with an arched eyebrow and her hands in her lap. You knew she was right, everyone was always right when it came to you. Apparently Bucky was right when he said everyone knew but you, and that spectrum extended to everyone always seemed to know how you were doing if only by the movement of your eyelids.

That's why you had begun to avoid people.

You spent more time in your room and in the Complex gym, doing research assignments for Fury that involved leaving the building, the three missions with Natasha (fully mandatory and against your will) and sometimes in the lab with Bruce when he needed someone to hold his canisters full of chemical liquids.

Fury and Bruce were the only people you tolerated lately. No funny looks, no awkward questions, no innuendo; just what they needed and goodbye.

But, that time, you did have to go out with Natasha. You weren't given the option to come on your own and it was understandable. A little bit. Even though you were trying to make amends for what you had done, not only on the mission a few months ago but also for what you had done to yourself for years, you didn't know that recovery meant you had to have a watcher on you at all times.

And what's worse, that watchman came with a bird.

“I'm fine, Nat,” you replied to her liking finally.

A short laugh from across the room caught your attention.

“Tell that to the tantrum you threw Fury so we wouldn't come with you.”

You gave Clint Barton a hard look, almost lying on the other longer couch as if he were admiring the earth from a cloud. He had one arm over his eyes which he had raised slightly to give you a mocking look, and one leg bent so that his foot was on the couch.

“I didn't throw a tantrum.”

“Fury, please, I know how to take care of myself. I don't need two bodyguards behind me all day. I'm fully capable of getting there and back on my own.”

Clint's poor imitation of your voice caused you an undercurrent of irritation, but you easily made the decision not to let it come out against him. It turns out that sometimes you could just shut up instead of exploding against others, crazy, right?

“First, I don't talk like that.”

“That's right. Lousy imitation, Clint,” Natasha had your back.

“Second, I only asked him once to let me come alone. I didn't beg him like a fool.”

“Sam told me otherwise,” Clint countered and you frowned. You felt the smile on his mouth.

“Sam's an idiot.”

“Sam's on Bucky's side,” Natasha mused.

And then, an awkward silence.

That was something you hated and still couldn't get used to. When people would say Bucky's name around you, the atmosphere would get strangely tense and suddenly everyone would go silent. It felt strange at first, but when Wanda did it you understood what was going on.

“Stop doing that,” you grumbled with a grimace. “I'm not fucking marble. I'm not going to crack from hearing his name.”

“We didn't say anything,” Natasha spoke again, her innocent little dove expression getting on your nerves.

Count to ten, Y/N, don't forget…

“You guys always go silent after you say his name like he's going to spontaneously explode. We're adults, you know? There are things to get over.”

“Wow,” you heard Clint mutter.

“Shut up, bird.”

Clint made a negative, game-like sound when you gave an incorrect answer.

“Three points off. Natasha and Clint are in the lead,” the man snorted as he rose from his position on the couch. You couldn't do more than give him another look, waiting for him to evaporate into thin air.

Natasha stirred next to you looking around at her surroundings, the dark colors of the room almost absorbing all the natural light coming through the few windows that were in the building.

“You haven't talked to him yet?”

“No.”

“Do you plan to?”

“I don't know. Maybe not.”

“Why?” Clint inquired, suddenly more interested in the subject.

“Because I don't feel like I give a s-”

Clint made the sound again.

“Two points off.”

“Clint,” Natasha reproached him with her tone of voice and the aforementioned only flashed her a smile. “It's been several weeks since you were last together. And you've had a lot of improvement-”

“That's debatable.”

“… don't you feel ready to talk to him?” Natasha questioned, completely ignoring Clint's intrusion into the conversation, again.

“I really don't know,” you admitted. “She told me I'm on the right track too, but just the thought of seeing him again after all those things he said… that I said…”

You sighed. Your gaze focused on the dark floor, a bluish-green hidden behind a black carpet with red, the most horrible carpet you had ever seen in your life.

“It scares me. I don't think I can do it.”

The woman let out an affirmative sound from her throat and the room became silent once again.

You almost let your mind begin to wander into memories, conjuring up the times when you felt like you were on top of the world when you were really about to hit rock bottom. But you quickly focused on where you were and what you were going to do there.

You were going to pick up Wanda. You had wanted to do it alone because it had been several weeks since you had last seen her. The last thing you told her was that you were going on another mission with Bucky and that you hoped it wouldn't end as badly as the argument you had that half the building heard. After that, she left.

She had made the decision to come and talk to Stephen Strange and had told you a few days before you left on what would be your last (official) field mission. She left the Complex the day after you left and all you had heard from her since then was that she was fine, that Strange hadn't locked her in a dungeon and that she was learning many things about her magic, especially how to control it to have power in things like her dreams. You still didn't know what those lucid dreams she had been having for a while had been due to, but judging from the letter you had received yesterday where she asked you to go to the Sanctum Sanctorum, it looked like she had gotten some kind of response.

When you told Fury what you were going to do, he didn't hesitate for a second to say that he would ask the Wonder Duo to accompany you. Clearly you balked, not as many times as Sam and Clint implied, but you didn't expose any more complaints to the Director's authoritative voice.

So, there you three were. Waiting for the wizards to appear from somewhere as you waited in one of the most horribly decorated rooms you'd ever seen.

“Sorry for the delay.”

The new male voice that echoed in the room startled you. You cringed and turned your head every which way until you came upon Strange's figure standing at the entrance to the room, not far from where you three were standing. Natasha and Clint remained unperturbed and you suppressed your desire to complain about the intrusion. You were the only one who hadn't heard him coming, apparently.

“Y/N!” you heard Wanda's voice.

You shot up from the uncomfortable couch the moment you saw her emerge from behind Strange's body. Quickly, you met halfway and melted into a big hug. You shifted from side to side trying to keep your strength and tears held back because of how much you had missed her.

“You look great!” was what she said to you the moment you parted.

“Don't lie to her, Wanda,” Clint exclaimed, and shortly you heard Natasha hiss in his direction.

“I've had better days.”

“I can't believe the day is here already! You have to tell me everything. What happened on the mission? What happened with Bucky?”

Again, the unpleasant silence.

“Why are you two making those faces?”

Wanda was watching the Wonder Duo right behind you and you couldn't help but let out a big exhale.

You turned to look at the only person who really gave a damn about your life.

“Thanks for everything, Strange.”

The man nodded in your direction. “It was my pleasure. Hopefully everything will be better from now on.”

Wanda waved goodbye to him as you turned around and pointed the other two people in the room toward the exit.

The other goodbyes were short and you were soon finding yourselves exiting through one of the portals opened by Strange, where you met the entrance to the Complex head on.

“Ah, magic. It makes life so much simpler,” Clint commented before starting to walk in the direction of the common room.

Natasha had the decency to bid you farewell and followed the bird's path at a tight pace.

“I thought they were going to join us,” Wanda mused, watching their figures walk away.

“No, they were just my nannies.”

“Nannies?” you saw her frown.

You watched the grimace on her face and almost have the urge to ask Sam to come give her a rundown of what had happened in the last few weeks since that last mission, but you mentally pulled back and offered a small smile to the confused woman in front of you.

“We have a lot to talk about.”

---

“Have you eaten today?”

The haze that clouded your mind slowly disappeared, your head barely registering the movements your body made to stay conscious. The soles of your shoes were too hard for your liking and you'd had to go sit down while you waited for Wanda to return. You didn't know how long it had been since that, but it seemed to be long enough for Steve Rogers to approach the cafeteria table where you were sitting with a tray containing the day's food.

“You look like you could use some of this.”

The blond gently pushed the tray until it was on your side of the table, and the smell of beef stew didn't take long to reach your lungs. It smelled good, to be honest. You looked down at the food and moved your hands to grab the silverware.

“Thank you.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm just waiting for Wanda. She went to talk to Fury.”

“I saw her coming in. She said she had a lot of things to tell.”

“She told me exactly the same thing.”

“And did you get to talk about anything before she left?”

You glanced at the fork in your left hand before looking up and meeting Steve's unconcerned face. You had learned very quickly that it wasn't too hard to get to know the captain in your position as opposed to how unreachable he looked to the rest of the population. He was a rough and tough man, but he would do things like bring lunch to a female shipmate who had a blank stare and sit down and try to chat with her.

He was good. Steve was good.

But he wasn't sneaky.

“If you want to know the verdict, talk to Strange. He's a close friend of Tony's.”

The man only sighed, his shoulders slumping in time with his breathing as if he'd been in alert mode all day.

“I didn't mean to sound so…. opportunistic.”

You rolled your eyes.

“You didn't sound opportunistic, Steve, you're just bad at trying to hide your curiosity,” you expressed with a small smile, but the man didn't look convinced by your words. “She's fine. She looks fine. She sounds fine. Whatever they had done, talked about or practiced, it surely paid off. I don't think you have anything to worry about.”

“She looked really scared before she left. You didn't see her. She asked me several times to communicate with you because she didn't know if it was a good idea to do that anymore.”

“She asked you that?”

“Yes. But the mission was very delicate, we couldn't risk it.”

You nodded in your direction, your gaze wandering back over the food.

“I just want her to be okay,” Steve mumbled and you almost missed the way his face contracted. His blue eyes found yours. “She's been through too much throughout her life and now this. It's like a joke of the universe.”

“She'll be fine. She has us. If she needs strength, she'll have plenty.”

Steve smiled, and then you took your first bite of beef stew.

You grimaced.

The blond frowned.

“Was the smell better than the taste, again?”

You nodded with your mouth full. Your hands went to the glass of water in the corner of the tray and you didn't hesitate to down the meat with all the liquid in it. You were almost never lucky enough to taste good lunches in that cafeteria.

“FRIDAY,” you heard Steve say.

“Yes, Captain.”

“Can you order a 12-inch tuna Subway on whole wheat bread with all the vegetables except the bell peppers and olives, please.”

“Right away, Captain.”

“That wasn't necessary,” you turned to the man as his gaze focused on yours.

“You can't go without eating.”

“I would have been able to place the order.”

“Mmm, really?”

“Of course! Do you think I waste the opportunity to spend Tony's money every chance I get? Even, I would have ordered more.”

“Oh, seriously?” Steve had a mischievous grin on his face and you furrowed your brow at his strange expression. “FRIDAY, make it three.”

You half-opened your lips.

“Sure thing, Captain.”

“Are you out of your mind?”

“What's with the attitude? It's Tony's money, isn't it?”

You hadn't heard that kind of boldness from Steve very often, and when it happened it was a complete event to witness. The man was a stickler, everyone knew him that way. He didn't understand the word rest and most of his free moments were only used to keep reconsidering attack strategies. Steve wasn't one to let loose and go with the flow very often, but when he did it was something to be enjoyed.

“You know he doesn't mind, right?”

And the moment was over.

“No? I thought he still hated me from lying to him about the book.”

“Uhm…” Steve fumbled over his words and you were amused at the way his features scrunched up. “He doesn't hate you. He was just angry. Besides, it's been a long time, he probably doesn't even remember that.”

“I think he's going to remember that until he dies.”

“Steve.”

You froze in place.

Abort mission. Abort mission. 911. Mayday, mayday, mayday.

Steve looked over your shoulder and then back up at you, your eyes on the embroidery of his brown jacket. You tried to keep your expression composed and sent him a smile of assurance that even you couldn't believe. But you couldn't do anything else. You couldn't break down at that moment. Besides, he would most likely ask the blonde to come with him and Steve would go. You wouldn't really have to deal with anything.

“He's really coming,” you heard Steve mutter in your direction.

Your face scrunched up in confusion, and you watched his expression of poorly disguised panic. You had told Steve only once, days ago, that you weren't ready to talk to Bucky at all. And, apparently, he had made it his problem too.

“Are you busy?”

You heard Bucky so close that a shiver ran through your body. It had been weeks since you'd last heard his voice. On that mission.

“No, I was just talking to-”

“Captain.”

But what was this, the all-call-Steve-at-once festival?

You sank back in your seat when you recognized the Director's voice. If he was there, it meant Wanda must be coming with him, and judging by the contractions in Steve's face, going from confused to incredulous to dumbfounded to flushed, your friend was most likely waving him out of there.

“A word, please,” Fury spoke again, and Steve barely let a second pass before he sprung out of his chair like a spring. He gave you a look and you could almost see the apology written in his eyes.

“Buck, I'm sorry- I mean, wait here for me.”

“What?”

“I won't be late, I promise.”

“I can wait for you in the living room…”

“No,” Steve contradicted him sharply. You caught a glimpse of his stiff expression out of the corner of your eye. “Wait for me here, can you?”

You didn't hear an answer, but you guessed it was positive when you saw Steve's face a little more relaxed. He looked back at you and barely gave you a nod before he started walking toward the exit. You turned in your seat to see him, and barely caught a glimpse of Wanda's triumphant face before she hid behind the back of a naive Fury as she saw your gaze on hers.

That woman really had no idea…

The chair Steve was occupying shifted and Bucky appeared in your field of vision. He was looking anywhere in the cafeteria before he was looking at you. And well, that was good, it gave you time to analyze what you had missed in those weeks without any communication.

He clearly looked calmer. Even though you two were forcibly put in an uncomfortable situation, he didn't seem to mind too much. He looked a little tense, you could barely make out a twitch in his jaw, but other than that he was pretty relaxed.

You didn't know how to interpret that.

The last time you had thought about seeing Bucky again (which was that very morning when Natasha brought it up) you thought that one of you would run away without even a second's notice. It seemed that the only one too scared about that reunion was you. Surely Bucky hadn't thought about it for a single moment since the last time you were face to face.

And his hair. He had cut his hair much shorter than last time. Its ends were directed to the ceiling and you could no longer mess it up if you ran your hands through it. It would rearrange itself in seconds. His eyes were still the same, clear and bright as the clear sky, his expression just as stoic and unperturbed, his body leaning slightly to one side with his hands clasped in his lap. Almost everything about him remained the same except for his hair.

And except he couldn't look you in the eye.

You looked down where the tray with the stew was still intact. You didn't have anything else to distract you with so you grabbed a vegetable and popped it in your mouth.

Turning your head away, you missed Bucky's gaze on your face analyzing the grimace of disgust you were trying to hide.

You swallowed hard and grabbed the water bottle so that it almost slipped through your hands. It was empty.

You almost threw up on yourself.

“Are you okay?”

You met his gaze and froze. His wary eyes were on your face.

“Yeah.”

“Doesn't look like that food is good.”

“Because it isn't.”

You shook your head and pushed the tray away from your personal space once and for all.

“Why don't you order something else?”

“Steve already ordered me something.”

“Oh.”

And silence.

You usually enjoyed the quiet moments, when no sound flooded the surroundings other than your own breathing and the ramblings in your head. You could really enjoy your solitude and the quiet it brought with it. But this silence didn't come with solitude, it came with tension, strain, uncertainty.

You didn't know if you felt you should say something or if you felt you should run away. If you stayed you didn't know what to say to him and if you left you didn't know under what excuse.

Bucky's light eyes met yours again after wandering his gaze for a while around the room.

“Wanda's back,” was what he said.

You nodded.

“We came with her this morning.”

“Yes, Steve told me.”

“We don't have to do this, you know.”

His neutral expression turned chaotic for a moment. Then he went back to being unflappable as if nothing.

“We don't have to do what?”

“This. Talk like it's nothing. It's awkward.”

“Ah. You find it awkward?”

You furrowed your brow at his genuine curiosity. For a moment you thought he was being sarcastic, but his eyes detailed your expression intently, waiting for an answer.

“Don't you?”

“Why should I?”

“Can you stop answering with questions, please.”

Bucky averted his gaze. He repeatedly ran his hands over his jeans.

“I'm sorry. If it makes you uncomfortable I'll keep quiet.”

“Still, you don't answer my question.”

“It's not awkward for me,” he finally said, his slightly tilted head pointed in your direction. “It's just normal small talk. Between two people.”

You hummed a nod and your head moved in sync.

“It's easier for you to pretend nothing happened.”

Bucky shook his head, attentive. He narrowed his eyes and it didn't go unnoticed the way you tensed your shoulders as the words left your mouth.

“I never said that.”

“It's just what I can glimpse.”

“What you think you see is not true. I'm not trying to feign insanity.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot you're an expert at knowing what I think,” the words left you before you could process them and give them the proper filter, and you were sure Bucky had noticed the way your composure wavered for barely a second. If he had, he chose to ignore it.

You saw him twist his lips and lower his gaze, as if he suddenly felt distressed even though he wasn't the one who should be worried about something like that.

“You're angry.”

“And why would I be, according to you?”

“Maybe you were expecting a different reaction from me. You don't like what I'm giving you.”

You let out a laugh. “I never thought arrogant was your type.”

Bucky took in your gesture and mimicked it. Seeing a smile on his face after so long brought back images you thought you had sent far out into the ocean of your mind. Maybe you didn't feel your heart racing as it had so many times before, but you definitely felt something different from the fear and dismay that normally accompanied his memory. Even though you didn't want to accept it, you couldn't help but stretch a little towards that new sensation.

“I was joking. I have no idea why you're mad.”

The small smile on your face disappeared, and you allowed your head to wander down the paths of self-healing and self-improvement. Perhaps it was situations like these that your therapist always referred to. Stealthy confrontations that you usually used to avoid like rain, were the perfect moments to divulge a kind of self-reflection and improvement. To, perhaps, make known the emotions and thoughts you used to suppress and keep to yourself, the reason you had ended up that way to begin with. That was supposed to be what people normally did, to talk about their feelings…

So you just let it out.

“I'm not angry. I think I feel… embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed about what?” Bucky cocked his head to one side, his eyes scrutinizing your face as if trying to figure out if you were being serious or not.

“For confronting you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, Bucky. Here's to having you face me and confirming once again that you were right,” you rolled your eyes and took the moment to look anywhere in the cafeteria but into the blue eyes that wouldn't leave yours. “You were always right, I guess. No one else stood up to me like you did and I still lied to you looking you in the eye, wouldn't you feel the same way?”

The movement he made as he shrugged his shoulders drew your gaze, and met you with such a frightening familiarity that you felt old memories and feelings creeping up from the back of your mind to return to the surface. His calm gaze and tension-free body was what you had always been used to, and at that moment it was what you were seeing.

You didn't know how much you missed him until you saw it again.

“It's possible, yes.”

“The point is, knowing that doesn't make it any less complicated. In fact, it's a little harder to cope with. Being aware of the embarrassment… makes you more embarrassed.”

Bucky let out a short laugh. Your gaze didn't leave the way his corners turned up and then how his shoulders moved and his chest contracted in sync with that laugh. You hadn't noticed until that moment the change in the atmosphere around the two of you, much lighter and cozier, not at all hostile and toxic compared to the last few times you were together after the argument.

Mmm, maybe you were liking all that stuff about therapy. To be honest, up until that point you had discerned very few results, although some were quite important. Like, for example, you were able to keep your mind clear of self-destructive thoughts for longer, or that you could look at your past actions and reflect on them, determining clearly what things you were doing wrong and why it was wrong to do them. And there were many, many of them. Not just with the people around you, but more so with yourself.

However, in that moment, having Bucky in front of you and having been able to not only carry on a conversation for more than a minute with him, but also having been able to admit to him how you had felt and show true regret for what happened, you were able to understand that the change was much bigger than you had initially sized it up to be.

“It's serious. It complicates the process for me. That's why I didn't want to see you.”

He nodded without wiping the smile off his face. You could sense the understanding emanating through his gaze and, by the way he straightened his body, you knew he was going to give voice to the thoughts going through his head. Bucky usually kept his opinion of people to himself, he wasn't one to go around highlighting qualities in others unless he was asked or it was necessary for him to say so. Because of this, you could learn to tell when he was going to keep quiet about it and when he was willing to let it all out.

“Still, if it makes you feel any better, I can see you've come too far. Six months ago you wouldn't have said that to my face. I probably would have heard it from Sam who heard it from Clint when he eavesdropped on some conversation of yours with Wanda.”

You were really glad about what he just said, but…. what the fuck?

“Clint eavesdrops on our conversations?”

Bucky went blank. His features froze and the tension emanating from his body enveloped you both.

“Well… I only heard it once. Clint had said he'd upgraded the device for his hearing and was hearing three times as many things as he should. Among those things, he could hear you talking to Wanda in the next room.”

“I don't believe it.”

“There's nothing to tell you for sure that he did it again.”

“And how long ago was that?”

“Mmm, two years, I think.”

“Did he ever say anything to you?”

Bucky didn't answer for a few seconds, his gaze seemed lost in yours, with a solidity and strength too forceful for your tolerance. You suspected the answer was positive, but received the opposite.

“He only told me what had happened. He never told me if he understood anything he heard.”

“Uhm, you're good at getting out of tight spots.”

He gave you another one of those smiles that felt like home.

“I've had years to practice.”

The silence that followed his words was much more welcoming than before. You seemed to be able to move around the masses of air so freely that all the tension in your body could disappear in a gentle breeze.

“I'm sorry this was uncomfortable for you, but it was good to see you. And hearing you.”

“It wasn't that uncomfortable.”

“You're squeezing your legs under the table.”

You looked down, surprised, though you shouldn't be. Bucky had always been good at reading your body language. It was almost like it was his way of communicating. And yes, you were.

“You rocked from side to side. Your hands never stopped clenching in your lap. You were uncomfortable.”

“Still, I don't regret what I said.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

You had a duel of glances and you longed for that comfort you had been missing for so long. During those almost seven months of barely seeing him and not speaking to him, you had learned to appreciate the little moments in life. And you were surprised to think that before you thought you were living your life as you were doing at that moment, the present, but you were not. You learned the cruel difference between existing and living, and it wasn't hard for you to deduce why you had had such complicated moments in your life some time before.

You had never lived anything. You went through your life as a tourist and many times you weren't even in the picture. You tried so hard and constantly to convince yourself otherwise every day that it ended up tiring you out emotionally, and in the process taking everything out on the one person who tried to reach out to help you.

“Buck!” Steve's exclamation echoed throughout the cafeteria, just on time.

You turned to see him in the doorway, his raised hand gesturing for the man in front of you to follow him. Bucky stood up, but didn't leave before turning a glance at you with a warm smile worthy of summer.

“I hope to keep hearing from you more often.”

“We'll see if you're worth it.”

[emo-nova]

Update time for some good ol' Teen Wolf, ig? i'm on episode 7 of season 2, and now I am definitely seeing some clips that i saw that was making me interested in the show as well as aspects within the fandom spaces.

Never understood the whole idea of Pack mom Stiles thing until I saw Stiles basically be the first to clock that 1, she is in seizure, 2, she may have an issue with the kanima venom (more than others) and 3, to be able to help her he needs to go to Derek cause Scott defo doesn't know. I didn't see it in the beginning, but I can see what people are seeing in it.

Another aspect, Stiles predicting Matt as the villain was such a rewarding scene. Mainly because I have been spoiled, I don't mind them, sometimes I actively look for them to see how the writers handle certain characters plus a summary isn't always true to what actually happened depending on interpretations.

You know what wasn't? Stiles' dad not being told. Or Melissa. Can these two be in on it now? Please? I'm mildly done with the charades on both ends mainly because the friction between two parties is simply miscommunication, plus it would be interesting to have Stiles' be open to this now so that we can see more of a struggle for the Stilinski family when the Sheriff *carries on* heading into danger when he knows. Same with Melissa, I think it would help create more stakes, but it will needed to be handled with care, that she can notice when a patient might have been involved with the supernatural which she can tell the sheriff. It'll make a good feedback loop for the adults, me thinks.

Onto Scott and Alison, I am noticing the writers are now ramping up a more heaviness to their relationship. This is no longer about puppy love but genuine wanting to carry on together, on both ends. And the touch with Jackson being used as the mouthpiece of the writers to foreshadow something more sinister lurking within Alison's future and her decisions. I honestly can not wait for Alison's either degression or progression as a character, as an aspiring writer who likes to study stories of any kind, I would have her digress to create a more nuance version of her character especially with her and Scott creating friction between each other. The friction I'm talking about is Alison's fear of being truly hopeless, unable to actually help herself out of a situation, this could be due to her being raised to be independent and to be a leader within the Argents. Scott on the other hand has a total Hero Complex, wanting to save as many people as possible, yada yada (mild affection now, he's grown on me), wants to be there for Alison *always* which contradicts Alison's want of independence.

Derek, so far, has been following a characterisation I would do for him (after that abysmal training set) cautious and careful with his betas, almost paranoid about their safety with mild disregard for his own in time of the full moon. I would like to see more Boyd though, you have an entire episode on him, and he doesn't get to appear in that scene??? BS, I want Boyd, Erica and Isaac have a moment of annoyance at Derek for being so careful with them. Would I have Derek explain to them why he's so cautious? Not fully, no, I would have Derek explain simply "I am your leader, I look after you and train you. And I need to look after you by ensuring you don't get caught between the Kamina and the Hunters."

Let Derek be a vague, paranoidly responsible Alpha that noticed that his first method didn't help for shit and changing the curriculum for these three because Scott's training was a *mess* and not some fucking dictator alpha guy. But knowing the writing team they most likely will mishandle Derek's character like a child given a machete in the garden which is disappointing.

That's all I got so far, but enjoy my ranting about what happened so far.

Also thank you to the kind soul that told me the timeline of season 1 and 2, I didn't realise that it was such short periods of time! Thank you again :)

[jewishregulus]

How do you headcanon regulus personality to be like? Do you feel as though James and regulus complement each other in some ways?

why yes of course! i fundamentally disagree w outwardly mean and evil regulus bc it makes no sense canonically. perhaps in an au where he separates himself from his parents and gets to be happy but regulus cares too much to be outwardly rude to people . it would impact his reputation and his families reputation like he isn’t hexing people in the hallways . he’s a professional faker (shit talks behind people’s back most definitely) and feels guilty and horrible everytime he’s plagued with an evil thought . i know many people view him as a selfish character but i think he’s fundamentally not . he puts everyone else’s wishes for him above his own . he doesn’t really exist as a person outside of his family . i do think , outside of this control, he would be sarcastic and have very dry humor , would love to read and would be very introverted but long for connection and friendship. a loner not by choice, he enjoys company but has no idea how to reach for it. i think he loves magic and magical creatures and genuinely holds a lot of love in his heart that his family disapproves of !! regulus soft black !!! not to say i think regulus doesn’t have an attitude and an edge …. i just think he has fundamentally good morals sorry! i’m a good person regulus black enjoyer i can’t help it …. of course he’s morally gray but most of the decisions he makes r caused by the life long abuse and trauma he is subject to . regulus black was suicidal as hell in those deatheater meetings the moment he turned 18 he killed himself LMFAO . i just know he was the most uncomfortable person in there at any given moment . i think vaguely threatening posh regulus is true but it is his exterior and the assumptions ppl make … and then they get to know him and realize he’s got like a little kid version of himself who holds the world with so much fascination . and it makes you sad when you realize he thinks it’s a flaw and wants to stomp it out

in this way i think he compliments james very well!! both people who really do value others and life but behave in very odd judgmental ways (regulus being a fake recluse who can’t function as a person w control over his life and opinions who is fake as hell and sarcastic whilst also having no understanding of social situations and desperate to be liked by people around him. number one peer pressure victim. 15,000 mental illnesses and a penchant for self harming behavior.) (james potter who is unfortunately consistently acting like a frat bro at any given moment : assumes everyone naturally loves him and is mostly right which does evil things for him as a person . would die for his friends but is also insufferable to be around (affectionate) . harshly judgmental to anyone who doesn’t fit into his box of what counts as a good person (which by the way regulus challenges in a way i think helps james as a character!) . looping back to the frat bro thing i think james is the type of person to throw a crazy party and convince everybody to drink and do unsafe things for the fun and when u realize u don’t have a ride home and can’t walk u are so fucking SCARED to ask to stay the night bc of his general vibes but then he ends up taking care of you and getting u pain killers and making like an awesome breakfast for the whole crew? should be the worst person you know but just beneath the surface is so much good it’s impossible to hate him.) you would never think these people would get along but then they both love quidditch and train for it like it’s their life and they are both academics with serious opinions on art and literature they would both die for even though they are often opposing . they are the first people they can have a conversation with and truly match eachothers freak on any given topic. the fundamentals of both of their characters is how much they care about life and the things inside of it . it manifests in different ways but i truly think the thesis of jegulus is that they are so much more similar than one might think outwardly , and it creates a soft intimacy between them . and also just james introducing the concept of silliness fun and happiness into regulus’ life lol!!

[wildpeachfarm]

Hi, Moku!

It’s been a while. Life has been a whirlwind of hurricanes and tornadoes mixed with occasional sunshine and rainbows recently, and I’ve been tackling everything I can. (Congrats on making it through another academic year, and for completing finals).

Not to beat a dead horse here, but I just wanted to input my thoughts on the q.smp bs happening.

Obviously, I hope all the workers who were wronged and never fairly compensated for their free labor, win their lawsuit and get more than what they’re owed for dealing with that narcissistic, egotistical, clout-chasing fuck. Now that I’ve said that, moving on to my thoughts.

I’ve seen discussion on how many servers are popping up post-dsmp era, and I have some thoughts on that.

Pre-dsmp, the only other SMP I heard of was Hermit-craft SMP. Then, we went through a deadly, lengthy, life-altering, and generational changing pandemic, which forced the world inside. The dsmp arose out of that, cause with everyone being at home, there wasn’t much to do. The gaming sphere/streaming sphere was dominant in a way I’d never seen it before, and it was incredible to witness. Minecraft especially experienced a resurgence, and Mr. Greenman himself was a huge part of that-through manhunts and the dsmp.

Unlike the nature of the q.smp, and some of these other short-lived smps, the dsmp started authentically. It was originally a server meant for Dteam to play on together and just have fun with each other. Then Dream added some of his friends and those friends knew people who they thought would enjoy the server and it just kept growing. Eventually, when all these people were added, the lore started, and that took the server to new heights and popularity (everyone loves a good story, regardless of the method of storytelling).

Dream himself never streamed his perspective, so as not to take away viewers from the notably smaller streamers on the SMP (which is opposite of a certain duckwhodoesntquack who only streams his perspective). He was also an active member in creating the lore/storylines of not only his character, but others as well (a certain unapologetic abusive cc was a big part, as well but we don’t talk about “Bruno”). Again, this is opposite of the q.smp, as the owner had people write the lore for him, and then was also never satisfied with what was written.

I think one of the biggest differences was the dsmp wasnt meant to be a roleplay server. It happened cause the people occupying the server wanted to do it, and made that decision on their own. It wasn’t marketed as a “passion project” so there wasn’t much build-up and hype for its release/existence (until after the lore started, and then it became more hyped). There was no competing server of its kind, cause the only other one that most people knew about had long since been established-the notoriety, popularity, and clout was already there, and didn’t need to be earned.

And the biggest difference of them all, no one got payed. There were not “workers” meant to move the server along; everything happened via the streamers themselves. So although there were some communication issues, there were no legal issues cause no one was being payed, unless you streamed playing it on a streaming site and made the money through donos.

It breaks my heart watching the q.smp play out like this, cause if it was done in good faith and genuineness, it could’ve been so good-bridging language barrier gaps and creating endless opportunities to learn a language you don’t know, and/or a culture you also don’t know-but it fell victim to a greedy owner and all good qualities were made null. I hate that this is how it transpired, especially for those that were working for free, and everyone who got doxxed/swatted over this.

TLDR; dsmp’s authenticity, genuineness, lack of greed from the owner played into what made it so successful. They’re also the reason it can’t be replicated, because it wasn’t manufactured- it just happened. And that’s why all these other servers have failed before they started, only lasted a bit of time, or ended up buckling under the consequences of the decisions of the owner. Dsmp is THAT girl and she will always be.

I’m sorry this was so long; has a lot of thoughts. Thanks for reading this anyway, and I hope this finds you well.

Have an amazing day, and don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

-L :)

Yeah I 100% agree i think something that a lot of newer servers lack is genuine authenticity that isn't built off of an expectation or hope of fame. the dsmp was never even supposed to be something other than a chill server between the dteam so obviously their intentions when just starting out were nothing but pure. However, there is no denying that anyone who made a server after that had the fame of the dsmp in the back of their mind- it's just impossible with how famous the server got.

And with how sterile the qsmp felt with how much the rp was pushed onto the streamers and the fact that there was essentially a business being run through the server, it killed the authentic feeling of everything (if it was even there to begin with)

[lipstickchainsaw]

Bonus round!

Izutsumi, snowdrop and evan (from pact)

You can't give me a villainising bonus round without first giving me a regular round!

Anyway, this got long, so we're doing them in separate posts.

Izutsumi

In regards to Izutsumi, I can see this going two ways:

The first is that the escape attempt that brings her into the party fails, and Toshiro's family recaptures her, and restricts her even further, in a way that escalates her opinion of them.

Because it does feel, to me at least, that Toshiro's family, and Maizuru specifically, set out to treat Izutsumi (and Inutade) well. Yes, they bought her, and were planning to raise her as a warrior in service of the family, but they didn't set out to be cruel about it. She's a retainer, not a slave! If only she'd cooperated and hadn't been so insistent on being free and making her own decisions, things would've been fine!

Obviously, this sucks already, but I get the feeling they got worse every time Izutsumi failed to cooperate, escalated their methods to control her until they literally put a suicide collar on her.

So, to villainise Izutsumi, we have to villainise them, first, as their control escalates further, limiting her further, and similarly, turning her desire to be free from them into genuine hatred, anger, and violence, which they would then also put a stop to, leaving her essentially forced to be their good little soldier with ever stricter magic.

She ends up with all that anger, hatred, and resentment, but physically incapable of aiming it at the people who deserve it, instead unleashing it on the few people she can hurt: the people Toshiro points her at. We've seen that she's a very competent combatant, so this would be a legitimately terrifying person for people to face, and freeing her won't even help her anymore, so consumed is she by the hatred and violence.

The family, on quiet nights, wonder when they became this.

(This doesn't happen because Inutade would fuck them up well before things got this bad; she doesn't understand Izutsumi's desire for freedom now, but she sure would in this scenario, and she wouldn't stand for what's happening.)

The other way would be after she got free, got the collar off, and then just... wandered off. Much like she did with the wolves a few episodes ago, she just... gets what she wants, and then leaves everyone else to deal with the problems that causes. She considers 'freedom' to be very much an 'I get what I want' kind of thing (understandably), and while I don't think she'd set out to hurt anyone, she has a complete lack of care for any laws, rules, or other people's concerns.

Now, usually, people like that run into problems real quick, but, as mentioned, Izutsumi is a really good fighter, so she doesn't get stopped. This doesn't make her a nightmare, but a perpetual nuisance; a thief who can't be stopped, who will take what she wants in broad daylight, beat the people who try to stop her, and then just walk off to enjoy herself somewhere else, occasionally tripping over a bigger disaster that she will also let everyone else deal with.

[dustteller]

Yknow, I think this passage really captures how Ouyang views Esen, especially in contrast with how Baoxiang views Esen. Ouyang geuinely believes the best of Esen, he genuinely belives that Esen is good and pure and kind and that it's himslef that is taining him into being otherwise. And while Ouyang is right in that he's technically responsible for Esen’s current emotional state (he did very much kill Esen’s dad and frame his brother for it, that is very much a thing he just did), for once it isn't his fault for the everything else going on with Esen?

I do think Esen is generally good-natured, and tries to be kind and generous to those he loves, but it's very clear that Ouyang has reduced him to JUST that in his head. He only sees Esen’s best qualities as inherent to him, and all the bad ones are Ouyang's fault somehow. He blames himself for Esen not understanding him (because there's something wrong with him, and even when he's mad at Esen for not caring enough to notice certain things he justifies it in his head by making it about his own unmanliness or whatever and Esen is just to perfect for that), for any failure in battle (yeah you're the general but Esen also approved this hes your boss dude), and generally for any moment where Esen exhibits less than stellar behaviour/capacity/etc. When in reality, we have a lot of moments where Esen is just sort of a dick, many of which are pre-ouyang (courtesy of HWDtW wbx flashbacks, which, granted, are also biased but my point still stands). We see Esen's constant and usually unjustified frustration with wbx and sometimes Ouyang, we see him be dismissive of the things they tell him, in the pre-order reward its pretty much stated that he makes a habit of dumping Ouyang outside brothels for hours while he goes inside to get laid, in one of his first scenes we see how much he enjoys it when Ouyang spends the whole morning tormenting Altan (altho tbf he kinda deserved it, altan suuuccckkss), and in general Esen just kinda treats people like crap sometimes. He's snapish and short-tempered and stubborn and imperious, loves whining about stuff, and is a shitty brother and best friend. He's got a lot of good qualities too, like how he's one of the few people that treats Ouyang with respect and tries to treat him as an equal, how his first reaction when wbx is insulted is to come to his defense (even if wbx usually foils his attempts by immediately clapping back and storming off), how we see him recognize he gets frustrated witj wbx too easily and tries to hold his temper back, how he immediately self-sacrifices to save Ouyang from his dad, how even after thinking wbx killed their dad he does really want to forgive him.

My point is, Esen is trying, but he's a very flawed human being, and Ouyang just can't seem to grasp that. He looks at him with rose-colored glasses. And it's so interesting that amongst all the shitty things Ouyang has done (and this duology really just is Ouyang and WBX fuck up yuan dynasty china to truly Epic proportions), the one he feels worst about is the one that isn't actually his fault (sorta). He may have killed Chaghan and been the catalyst for Esen's emotional blow up, but he isn't responsible for Esen having the capacity to burn WBX's books. That was Esen's decision. He hasn't somehow manipulated Esen into an eviler, crueler version of himself by virtue of existing evil-y and eunuch-y and revengefully im his vicinity. Esen was always capable of this, even if we take out Ouyang's actual manipulations, and I think this whole I-tainted-hin mentality really encapsulates how fucked up their relationship and Ouyang's mental state are in general. After all, Ouyang doesn't feel bad about the murder, or the framing, and he feels guilt about causing Esen pain, but most of all, he feels absolutely terrible that he's shattered what he sees as Esen’s purity, which in reality is mostly just the pedestal he himslef put him on. Man, what a fucked up little guy.

[sailoreuterpe]

Just wanted to say your ask to panlight about Bella and everyone suffering except her, was spot on and you've listed everything that annoys me about her and her choices.

I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that!

👋🏻 hope you're having a good day!

Thank you so much! I genuinely enjoy when other readers analysis and headcanon the series into something more equal and fair. However, as presented, I just don't see Bella as this uniquely kind and selfless person. Depressed and inert, sure. However, in my opinion, there is a significant difference between kindness because of genuine altruism and "kindness" because of martyrdom or self-loathing. I'm speaking from unfortunate personal experience.

As well, as I listed, so many of Bella choices are only difficult or sacrificial for her in the short term. Yes, she suffers pain from choosing Edward when James targets her, but within two years she's a fabulous vampire with everything she ever wanted. Same with choosing to go to Italy, choosing to have Nessie, etc. Whereas Leah, Rose, and so many others not only never even had a choice, but then they get to suffer continually. Leah will always miss her father, Rose will always long for children and live with her trauma, and so on.

It's especially aggravating when others suffer because of Bella's choices. Bella chooses Edward; Jacob forcefully imprints on Nessie, where neither of them actually have a choice. Bella chooses to run to Edward in New Moon; the entire Cullen clan is now on the Volturi's hit list. Bella chooses to reunite with Edward and the Cullens; Victoria creates a newborn army which kills dozens of young people and causes the shifters to transform. Bella chooses the vampires over the shifters and demands that Edward sit out the fight; the other combatants are in more danger and Jacob gets hurt. Bella chooses to have Nessie; the shifters get pulled into a supernatural war and transformed against their will.

Yes, so much of that isn't directly Bella's fault. However, Bella spends very little time thinking of any consequences for herself, let alone anyone else. She's willing to die to be with Edward, her parents be damned. She's willing to put so many others into danger to be with Edward, this "good" character we're supposed to champion. She's even willing to die with Edward against the Volturi, after an entire book praising what an amazing mother she is. Having a baby doesn't make you a mother; being a parent does, and honestly Rose and Jacob are more of Nessie's parents than Bella and Edward.

As someone who cares about all of the characters, I just don't see Bella as the heroine or the story as fair. Bella actively, consistently choses Edward over all other things (and all other people). The narrative rewards her decisions (that are pretty fucking selfish and terrible across the board) by giving her her every dream come true and her "perfect piece of forever." Everyone else has to make due with Bella's crumbs.

Some choice.

[teaveetamer]

more on like. FE misogyny is like. Thinking about which characters are what gender and why. Like there's a reason why seteth has a daughter and not a son. There's a reason(s) why dimitris retainer is a man. Why Hubert, an underhanded and manipulative person, who nonetheless plays second fiddle to byleth (you) is a man instead of a woman. These are all very interesting decisions with a lot to think about irt gender, misogyny, narrative, and it's fuckin annoying that taking note of it is seen as evidence in itself of misogyny. Much of it has to do with female characters not allowed to be unappealing. (Tho this leads into why I enjoy Leonie for being allowed to be genuinely unappealing wrt to jeralt after remire). Reading your and Ezra's stuff on fe misogyny is really great cause I get to finally see people talking about this from like, a cultural and marketing sort of perspective.

To your last bit, anon: I think that's something a lot of people misinterpret when they read discussion of misogyny in media in general (and occasionally my posts specifically). Acknowledging that the world is kind of a fucked up place is not an endorsement of the world being a fucked up place. Arguing that pointing out misogyny is the ~true~ misogyny is like having a pipe burst in your house and insisting that every plumber who comes over to fix it is actually the cause of the leak.

Except it's not even that, because that assumes their own house is actually going to be affected by the leak. Most of these people don't have their lives affected by denying the existence of misogyny. It's more like your neighbor has a pipe burst and you're chilling in your window taking pot shots with a BB gun at every plumber who pulls up to the driveway to help fix it, then patting yourself on the back for "keeping your neighbor's pipes safe" when they all flee in terror. As your neighbor is literally sitting in six inches of water wondering why tf no one seems to be coming over to help with that pipe.

But anyway circling back to the first part of your message, yeah there are a lot of subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways the genders of characters play into stereotypes and archetypes we've come to be familiar with. There's a million examples of characters who just would not work the other way around, largely from an appeal/marketing standpoint, because of gender expectations. Sylvain the male shameless flirt is seen as a cool player but if he were a woman he'd be a slut. No one wants to marry "used goods" which is why we don't have a ton of female shameless flirt characters in FE.

A dad (Seteth) protecting their daughter (Flayn) to the degree where he'll try to screen and control the people (especially the men) she speaks to is seen as endearing and an extension of paternal duties, if a wee bit overprotective. A mother doing the same to her son would be seen as a creepy harpy engaging in emotional incest and stunting her child's natural development. Men find it humiliating when they're treated like children, but society expects women to be treated like that. That's why we don't have a whole lot of mommies with shotguns in FE.

If anything the idea of overcoming the overprotective father and being the one to usher a girl into womanhood (this sentence felt gross to type ew) is a power fantasy in itself. The fantasy of a woman being kept pure by some mechanism until a worthy person (i.e. the protagonist) is ready to claim her. There's stories through the ages of this kind of thing. Noble virgins (or devoted wifeys with husbands lost at sea) dutifully staving off waves of suitors until the right one, the worthy one, swoops in, proves their worth by some means, and sweeps her off her feet. If you think about it, that's really part and parcel of Hubert's role in the Edelgard-Byleth-Hubert trio. He's the clinger-on who the virginal woman rejects endlessly to show her purity and devotion, until her proper suitor comes. Her appeal would probably disappear like a puff of smoke if, say, she'd been FWB with Hubert for years before the story started and Byleth was just another notch in her belt.

I could probably make a whole post on that last one too tbh cuz you can point to a lot of really varied examples with the same undercurrent. Like, I'd say a story of a woman having tons of meaningless sex with people until her Worthy Man(TM) unlocks the key to her heart and opens her eyes to the beauty of making love (or whatever) follows the spirit of the trope even if it doesn't follow the letter of it. It's still a woman keeping some piece of herself (in this case her ability to form emotional attachment to the men she sleeps with) held back, exclusively to be shared with the Worthy Man(TM). What makes someone the Worthy Man(TM) can range from having the strongest bow arm to being the only one who understands the ~true~ her and makes her feel comfortable... but I'll stop here for now.

[thebleedingeffect]

i am so SO excited you're playing skyward sword. skwsd is my absolute fav zelda game, and i love skysd link so much, he is my little guy, my dude, the love of my life. how are you liking it? how far are you?

I'm enjoying skyward sword immensely!! Admittedly, at first I was little hesitant to get super into the game pass the intro forest temple because of how decisive this game seems to be. People seemed to either hate or be neutral to this game but I decided to play it anyway cause I do love loz and it seemed fun!! But I'm genuinely happy that I decided to play it anyway despite what the louder part of the loz community has said cause I'm truly enjoying myself a bunch.

The npcs are super animated and I love how much personality they have, even the rude ones, it just makes me happy to see how animated and diverse in personality that skyloft is! I love the little remlits and just how damn cute they are <33 I legit refuse to hurt them or throw them off cliffs they're so so cute I adore them!! Another thing that I like is that the game gives you a bunch of incentive to help fellow npcs and it gives you great rewards for doing so. It makes me actually want to look around skyloft and talk to people which is even better cause it gives me more opportunities to learn of the npcs!

I also fucking LOVE the dowsing feature, it's genuinely so great and helps me out a bunch in wanting to find objects naturally and not wanting to resort to guides. It's just nice cause I can stay in the game and find stuff at my own pace :]

ANOTHER THING!! I love how fucking COLORFUL everything is!! I am playing the HD version on the switch so I know the graphics are improved but even still! The environments and dungeons are all so pretty to look at and I llooovveedddd the ancient cistern :DDD also going back to skyward sword made me remember how much I love classic dungeon crawlers and how much I missed them in botw/totk </333 the puzzles are also very fun and are well-designed so that's a massive plus.

And uh... I've made it to the part where sksw Zelda meets with sksw Link after he managed to get all of the goddesses flames and tells him the whole deal. I genuinely did not expect for that entire scene to hit me as hard as it did but I'm really happy I managed to avoid spoilers for this long cause holy shit, holy shit. That entire conversation is so expertly written and I love how it characterizes the both of them, how they were both forced to grow up out of desperation. sksw Zelda telling Link that she was so sorry that she used him and his devotion to her?? That she knew that he would chase after her no matter what and she couldn't stay or tell him anything because the world needed a hero? That she was so sorry but she had to do it because it wasn't just them anymore, they had grown up and now the responsibility of the world was on their shoulders.

The little line of her saying that she would've been so happy to just with him on Skyloft for all their days and that she holds those memories so dear to her is just an absolute gut punch. It's so expertly written cause I feel like it would've been so easy to make her into a selfish, cruel character thanks to this conversation, but it's so wonderfully done that I fully understand why she did it. It's a case of fate demanding the worse of choices into their hands and they can do absolutely nothing about it because for as much as they love each other- neither of them could sit back and watch the world suffer. Of course, what she did wasn't good but that's the point! She hates herself for having to lie and cause him pain, for dragging him into this because she could see no other to ever be her hero.

The tragic thing is that I very much doubt it was ever in sksw Zelda's control, I think that sksw Link was always meant to be the hero and fate has a heavy hand in this game. Her motivations sort of remind me of oot Zelda's actually, blaming herself for circumstances out of her control, having to constantly stay out of reach, and having to grow up so fast. Both of them had to be the lights on the horizon that directed their heroes, but always just out of reach because he's the hero and she's the goddess, it's always so much bigger than either of them.

I've only gotten this far yet but god, GOD! This isn't even half my thoughts about the entire deal but Zelda constantly going back and forth from referring to herself with Zelda and Hylia?? Ouch??? The sudden instability of your own image... of feeling like everything you've ever known has been predestined... do you hate yourself for your past actions in another life? Do you hate her-you- for this inevitable fate that you and your hero are doomed to for reasons that you'll always blame yourself for? Does she hate herself even more that Link did exactly that, run after her, prove Hylia-herself- right? Does she feel responsible for all the physical, emotional, and mentall pain that Link has grown through in order to become the hero that the world needs? For forcing him to grow up with her when all they ever wanted was to be together and be torn apart at every single point?

Do NOT get me started on sksw Link oh my ggogoodosso ad dwshdi HELP! He's so fucking TRAGIC and PAINFUL TO EVEN THINK ABOUT! How every single person he meets he always tells them that he's looking for someone and he always seems to be in a hurry because he can't be late, not again. The sheer desperation, the unapologetic love, the personality, the inherent sacrificial nature, always looking into the past while running after Zelda- HELP ME!!! But I think one of the most painful parts to me... is that I really don't think Link blames Zelda at all, for any of it. How painful of a thought is it that I think he'd be perfectly open splitting himself on the master sword for her and he wouldn't blame her on his last breath? Would she believe him? Would she believe that she singlehandedly orchestrated the death of her hero after putting him through so much pain?

Another thing is that he isolates himself, he helps people whenever he can but there's so much guilt and isolation swirling around in him as well as the crushing weight of his destiny that he just realized. One key theme I find in the game is that early on it's stated that Link is different, from everything from the knight's academy, to Impa telling him only he can do it, to Groose trying and failing to be that hero. It doesn't feel like a blessing, it feels like a destiny he could've never avoided and he was always going to be the hero who's blood was split to protect others. Link was always going to be the one who ends up alone while everyone else stays in the past, together but eternally waiting for him- or moreso, waiting for the hero that he's forced to become. It genuinely makes me so sad that he only had Fi for the longest time but even then... she's not much more than a guide, at least at first. I really don't feel like he'd be comfortable or even believe that Fi would understand, not when she's under even stricter instructions than him.

So yeah uhhhhhhhh you could say I'm enjoying the game a bunch!! I'm waiting to finish the game before talking a BUNCH about it on the dash and flooding my blog with sksw reblogs but I'm enjoying myself so much!! Also I just missed the triforce so so much- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I RESENTED THE SECRET STONES FOR TAKING MY BABYGIRL THE TRIFORCE AWAY??? I literally do not care about the secret stones, bring back the triforce I love her so so soooooo much and every single time I see any sort of triforce imagery I start crying and throwing up !

[wifegideonnav]

well i… finished act 5 act 2. gonna have to rewatch cascade a bunch of times and probably read the act summary on the wiki but i have officially reached the end of the act

still enjoying it a lot but it’s getting harder and harder to read. summing up a rant i gave my friend, i’m not super in love with the sense of predestined futility - or more accurately, i don’t feel that the narrative has properly addressed that yet and justified why i should be reading about these characters who were like 100x doomed from the start.

there are so many characters and so much happening that nothing is lingered upon, which is nice pacing-wise but not so nice emotional-impact-wise. i also think the “everybody dies a bajillion times and it’s fine until all of a sudden it’s not” thing works against it in a sense, especially when the narrative doesn’t stop to mourn anyone who’s actually dead, bc by the time you realize hey wait maybe like. vriska or dad or feferi/nepeta/equius etc are dead for real it’s been like 200+ pages and you’re like well ok. what do i do here exactly.

and i know that that’s an intentional choice hussie made for how he wanted to craft his narrative - im wishing for things that he deliberately chose not to give. im not trying to say that these choices are flaws in his writing, just that as an audience member i tend to prefer the tlt method of dealing with death, where one main character dies and then the entire next book is about another ripping herself apart because of it.

im not giving up by any means, or even saying that this is what’s dominating my reading experience. like i said im still enjoying myself and appreciate most of the creative decisions that hussie is making. it can just feel very draining i suppose, watching these characters i’ve come to care about - almost all of whom are literal children - fighting so hard so futilely, and so far, imo the narrative hasn’t paid that off. however, with that out of the way, here are (some of, bc this shit was long as hell) my thoughts on the act, more or less in order:

i have literally no interest in johnkat. probably partially bc my friend is so into davekat that ive been conditioned to just wait for that to happen but also bc they have no chemistry. sorry to any johnkat shippers out there but idc it’s boring

i have slightly more but still negligible interest in john/vriska. probably bc i… don’t really care about john. sorry to any john stans out there but idc he’s boring

karkat and terezi sharing a keyboard to argue my beloved

rose my beloved. but also. sweetie :/

vriska my beloved. but also. SWEETIE :/

kanaya my beloved. you’re doing great no notes

oh yeah dave and terezi manipulated the stock market. still don’t 100% understand that but whatever good for them

yeah ok the dream bubbles. christ. like ok i GET it but they’re still annoying

i love jade’s dynamic with karkat she really goes from “teehee im just a silly little girl haha” to “im going to eviscerate this motherfucker”

bec prototyping himself was genuinely such a good reveal

is it just me or is john's power like. way lamer than the other kids' lmao. like it's still cool, def better than nothing, but come on

not too much to say abt the exiles but i love them

also with all the fucking timeline bullshit that's going on i literally can't wait to reach the end and reread with the uhsc mod that lets you follow a specific person's timeline. i canNOT keep track of what's happening when for who

it is literally so funny that vriska has been the cause of jade's narcolepsy this entire time. like wow girl you really took the opportunity to be a massive dick to her huh

LET'S BE SANTA

frogs. ok sure. why not.

fuck doc scratch all my homies hate doc scratch. i will say though. he is a fantastic character.

holy shit eridan and gamzee snapping and killing like everyone. that was buckwild what the fuck. not gonna lie idc that equius is dead, and nepeta, feferi, and tavros were never my faves. but got damn it sucks that they're dead. (ostensibly. still not one thousand percent convinced)

sad karkat :(

murderous kanaya :D

WV "DRIVING" AHHHH

oh god the ancestors. sorry but i simply do not care about that shit. like i know that they're actually relevant but. :/

also i don't like the trope of chains of events being echoed across generations. like damn get your own plot. also it ties into that determinism and futility that i'm grappling with

i will say though. mindfang mentally thanking redglare for taking her arm because then her battle against his honorable tyranny because it made it "a fair fight"? hot. i'm brave enough to say it.

aradia is cool as fuck. i wish we got more of her/her personality

aradia's ancestor is also cool as fuck. sucks that literally nothing she did to resist her fate worked or mattered

the scratch stuff is genuinely interesting narratively/in terms of a plot device. again it still sucks that the beta kids aren't actually going to get to win the game themselves. like i assume they'll be talking to/guiding the alpha kids but like. god it's so unfairrr i bet there'll be angst about this

rose going grimdark is so fun. also LMAO john trying to chat with her in that flash game portion

TEREZI god i love her. sucks that she killed vriska tho bc i love her and also i ship them. oh well murder is not necessarily a roadblock to them getting together. troll romance sure is weird. i have hope in my heart.

vriska isn't dead forever bc no she isnt <3

the betty crocker shit. is funny. and also stupid as hell.

SAD KARKAT :((

ok i guess the stuff about karkat's ancestor and the history of the troll race is kinda interesting. whatever.

everyone's in love/hate with gamzee all of a sudden?? literally why. troll romance sure is FUCKING confusing

that was a pretty anticlimactic climax to the gamzee situation, gotta say

cascade was confusing as fuck i don't have thoughts on it yet

so yeah that's it! if you're still reading, why? let me know what your thoughts on act 5 act 2 were when you read it, or your thoughts on my thoughts lol. just pls no spoilers for anything past cascade!!

[circesoracle]

Would genuinely love to know your outlook on ME 1-3 as a writer. What did you think of the ending? Any theories on Liara? If you’re still keeping up with the announcements, that is

(I don't know what you mean by as a writer because my brain is small and smooth, but! nonetheless)

ME1 is a game of all time for me irt story, it does what a lot of first entries in a franchise (and ME3) fail to do which is utilize a macguffin in a way that doesn't feel like a let down or cheapen the story up until the point it's revealed to be nothing but a driver for the plot. it's a satisfying story that relies on predictability in its genre to its benefit, particularly in terms of characters. Saren is such a classic almost cartoon villain, very Skeletor, very Hordak, your typical world (galactic) domination sort, that Sovereign really *hits* when you get to it. it's by far my favourite of the trilogy in terms of narrative, but that's personal preference for what it evokes and the tropes at play and sort of high (but within reasonable comprehension) stakes.

2 is a bit of a funny one for me. I really like 2. I also think it causes a lot of problems in terms of character and world building. it's also trying so hard to be hard and edgy and sexy without a hint of self-awareness, which I find idk unappealing. it's kind of sexless and overly sanitized, but they swear a lot and Miranda ass shots so it's definitely totally cool right? fourteen-year-old-boy-who-calls-his-mother-a-bitch-for-making-him-do-laundry type of cool imo. all the same I do really enjoy it, it has a lot of stuff I love, a lot of stuff that i think served the series really well, and I do love LotS as a DLC (both in terms of DLC for ME and just DLC in general)

ME3 is like. so nearly it but isn't. and not just because of the endings but like. the macguffin in 1, the beacons, is utilized almost perfectly. the crucible and catalyst in 3 are some of the worst uses of it i've ever encountered, and having these intangible, vague things doesn't help the sort of impossible to comprehend stakes of it by the end. we *can not* as players actually comprehend, quantify, or fathom the actual stakes of 3, that's the point, the reapers are meant to be eldritch in their conception and their goal is legitimately beyond comprehension. it's hard for us to comprehend the human suffering and loss of actual, real wars, let alone one that would slowly, systematically wipe out trillions of lives. we can't even quantify a trillion. so there's two levels of absolute detachment to the narrative already involved going in. a good example of this is the main drawback to most decisions in the game to try and dissuade renegade options that are beneficial is single character deaths. Tali, Mordin, EDI, the first and third being the most obvious, because both their deaths come with the death of ALL quarians and ALL geth respectively, but those are just vague numbers, so most people focus on the single character death because that meaning that is quantifiable. most players don't care about vague but high numbers, this is why most people don't bang on about Shepard committing actual legitimate genocide and instead gloss over it. it's just a number, it doesn't matter, but killing Mordin? unthinkable.

the endings absolutely don't help all of this. it's the BioWare classic of relying on the meta and the player's attachment over the actual in-universe attachments or choices. the three endings hinging almost entirely on "Shepard is sacrificed in some way" is the same bland player-attachment meta that made them think the Hawke/Alistair/Logaine sacrifice in the Fade was a good narrative choice despite the Inquisitor literally Not Fucking Knowing those characters for more than like a week. it relies on you, the player, knowing and caring, which is not the basis for good roleplaying *or* storytelling.

all that said, I do really like 3 (and Inquisition, for that matter). but when I like something, I become more critical of it.

as for my opinion on the endings, idk, I wasn't there in 2012 watching everything I'd waited for since 2007 fall to pieces before my very eyes, so i imagine my opinions are quite moderate compared to some. I chose high war assets destroy. it is what it is.

I've been keeping up with the announcements but I'm gonna be honest, the less I think about them touching Liara again the happier I am. I dont know if you know Dragon Age, anon, but if they Varric my baby girl I'll make sure the BioWare developers never know peace. theories (actual) are she's fucking around where she shouldn't as she does and gets roped into some nonsense as she does. theories (delusional) are they have cast Ali Hillis as a bespoke other asari to gaslight us all and actually they will never touch Liara again and we will get a lore entry saying she is so so happy doing archaeology in peace which I think would be niceys 😊

I do not know the Mass Effect fandom very well so I hope these are all the normal widely accepted opinions that everyone very politely agrees on and never argues over!! thank you for the ask I hope you have not condemned me to one million years of petty discourse ❤️

[sokuroda]

i haven’t done another one of these in literal months. it is January and the last I posted about things I completed was in November.

Mob Psycho 100 S3 -

my favorite show ever. I don’t even know what to say. i only got into mob like 2 years ago and im so glad i did. i sobbed at the ending. it was very bittersweet but i was so so happy for everyone. mob’s growth made me so so happy. genuinely just such a good show and i got my brother and my friend to watch mob too and they really enjoyed it. this is kind of a ridiculous statement to use in regards to a show but yknow, if i loved mob psycho less id be able to talk about it more. just so many emotions. the finale happened and one of my friends got several voice messages of me crying and just talking about it. i would really like to read the manga for it at some point, and i do plan to read the reigen spin-off as i do actually own it.

Cowboy Bebop -

I started watching this a few years ago and never finished so I thought I should finally come back to it, and it was worth it. It’s so good. The last few episodes made me sad. Just all the, lore episodes I guess, generally caused me a lot of pain. Ed and Ein leaving broke my heart. And honestly Faye’s backstory really got me. THE SONG THAT PLAYED DURING THAT PART TOO!!! SO GOOD. and don’t even get me started on Spike :( I did really like the cowboy episode though, the one with the YMCA or Young Men’s Cowboy Association. was a good episode, and the fridge lobster creature episode haunts me to this day.

Spy x Family - it’s just wholesome. always makes me laugh and is really a no thought head empty show and i enjoy that. i do keep up with the manga for this but it’s always nice to see it animated.

Chainsaw Man - obviously very positive thoughts about this one I love chainsaw man. Suffering from actual brain rot. the vibes are very different from the manga, it’s more cinematic ig but I do think it’s a great adaptation. The intro and all the outros are so good. Especially the Hayakawa family outro. I loved the voice actors. BEAM!!! His va is so good. I love just all the insane laughter from all the characters it brings me so much joy. I love chainsaw man !!!!

Vinland Saga - my brother is so into Vinland saga. And he has told me about it before. I thought I’d watch it because I knew a new season was coming out, and obviously he had hyped it up so much. And it was absolutely worth the hype. I binged like 16 episodes in a day and would have finished it in a day if I didn’t go see Puss in Boots ( which very good btw) It’s in my top 10 now, im not really one come up with a top 10 or anything. But if I had one Vinland Saga is definitely up there. I liked like all the characters. Thorfinn is great. Askeladd is so fucking cool. Canute and Thorkell phenomenal. Can’t believe thorfinn is so short too, like bro is minuscule im ngl. but anyways !!! Even like Bjorn I enjoyed. I was genuinely sad when he died. But anyways. I love Vinland saga too!!!

Kekkai Sensen/Blood Blockade Battlefront -

This wasn’t bad at all! Idk if I’ll watch the second season, but the first one wasn’t too bad. I did start watching it solely because of the outro, and yknow what the outro is really good and does make me very happy so I do stand by that decision. Was not expecting to hear Zoro’s VA in this so that was a pleasant surprise. Zapp overall was just a wild character, and he had a tiny ass waist like wtf was that all about. Anyways, was enjoyable overall.

Terror in Resonance - this show is so good. from what i can remember the music in it is good. There was a song I really liked but idk what it’s called unfortunately. It’s a good show to just binge. I liked it a lot. I cried at the end. I wasn’t expecting that to happen given like the premise of the show, I went into the show just thinking it was about terrorists, and to certain extent it is but also it’s more than that. Anyways, I guess I should’ve assumed things wouldn’t all be wonderful and happy by the end, but man… lots of really cool things within this show and overall just enjoyable though, so id definitely recommend!

currently watching - attack on Titan, one piece (im at thriller bark), buddy daddies, bungo stray dogs s4, and Vinland Saga S2

[romistav]

“stop laughing, i already know these questions are gonna be stupid.” 

HOW ARE YOU FEELING IN YOUR CURRENT COUPLE?

”you guys are so funny. did you set that up the way you set up dejan being here? obviously, i’m not mad nor can i say that i was surprised but i did mean it when i said marcus should probably pick someone else. not just ‘cause, like, i was going to pick someone else but because i think if we’re taking a break then...it’s gotta be a break, y’know? i do care about marcus, that’s like, my whole fucking point. after everything at the party, well, it’s just going to be awkward. i’m going to be sleeping outside a lot, i guess.” 

IS THERE ANYONE OUTSIDE YOUR COUPLE THAT YOU’RE STILL CHATTING TO? DO YOU THINK YOUR HEAD COULD BE TURNED? 

”are we witnessing the same fucking show? maddox, clearly. it’s been the first time that i’ve had to think about my decision in terms of, like, strategy? to be fair, i would have liked to pick josh. i don’t think about him romantically, ‘cause i know that’s where you’re going to try to take this, but i think we’d make a pretty good duo as friends. when he told me that he was going to couple up with jenny, though, i knew that’d leave maddox free from being coupled up so i could choose him without really stepping on any toes. as of right now, he’s still who i would choose to couple up with and i believe it’s mutual.” 

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE LAST RECOUPLING? ARE THERE ANY COUPLES THAT SURPRISED YOU?

“uuuuh, the fact that kenny had to get fucking kicked out yet dejan can stick around was so stupid, if you ask me, and you are asking me. i didn’t think anyone would be insane enough to pick him but clearly there’s a match for everyone or whatever. i just hope he gets kicked out next, i can’t stand him being here and it’s literally your fault that he is.” 

DID NANA OR KENNY’S DEPARTURES AFFECT YOU AT ALL? OUT OF EVERYONE LEFT, WHO WOULD YOU BE MOST UPSET TO SEE GO HOME NEXT? 

“i’m really going to miss both of them which is, like, more than i can say for most people who have left this place. kenny was one of my few friends here. i know we didn’t start off that great but i’m not, like, a horrible person, you know? i genuinely enjoyed having her around. this might be just me but i feel like nana deserved to stay. people just couldn’t accept that she was hot and right. wait, i can’t say that, can i? edit it out maybe. look, people come on the show for all sorts of reasons, just because they aren’t a reflection of yours doesn’t make them wrong. like, everyone was pissed enough that it made her walk out but there were still people willing to couple up with dejan? that’s fucking bullshit.”

”i’d hate to see josh go. i really do love him and i think our friendship here has developed better than either of us expected it to. dylan, naomie, and callie. i really like them i wouldn’t want to see them go. marcus, obviously. i think he still has a chance to win without me. he’s such a sweet boy, i’m sure everyone who watches the show adores him.”  

A LOT HAPPENED AT THE COWBOYS AND ALIENS PARTY. WHAT WERE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE NIGHT FOR YOU?

”uh...god. it definitely wasn’t the stupid truth or dare game. it was maddox, obviously. yeah, it was him. i mean, no offense i know you guys try with the games or whatever but there’s only so many creative things people can be dared to do when they’ve been stuck together in a contained space for weeks. throw in a little russian roulette in there or something. i’m kidding. that was a joke. but yeah, look, maddox himself is wow but it’s the first time since i’ve been here that i have felt like i’ve gotten to do something risky and fun without bothering to think of the consequences. if it gets me kicked out, at least i got to fuck him.” 

WHICH COUPLE DO YOU THINK HAS THE BEST CHANCES OF LASTING TO THE NEXT RECOUPLING? 

“callie and frankie for sure. i think people love them and they have obvious chemistry. i’m happy callie has found someone she seems to get along well with, they both always look like they’re having a good time, and she deserves it. i guess i should say dylan and naomi and josh and jenny? but between you and me, those two still fuck each other in their minds every time they so much as glance at one another so i don’t know. like, everyone saw that kiss at spin the bottle, i guess...that’s something. uh, so yeah, my money would be on callie and frankie.” 

[system-of-a-feather]

It is really wild how heavily my feelings towards possibly having a semi-normal semi-low stress semi-free life soon swings WILDLY between the normal and expected joy and excitement, and sheer depression and anxiety. It's part of the motions itself and it's the trauma speaking, but the idea of not having my childhood trauma placing strict psychological walls and limits of what I can and can't do just... in a weird way it seems almost miserably boring right now. Like literally 3 hours ago I was excited and relieved but now Im dreading it - and I'm pretty sure I'm still me, maybe I'm still fused with Data as well and its just me swinging between two dominant sides, I can't tell but good god the swings from relief, excitement, joy and just an existential crisis and sense that without the chronic stress and pressure and extremely rigid walls I've been living in if I would even still be me

Which is an anxiety thing, because obviously Ill still be me and obviously life will still suck and be stressful in its own ways, but man is the idea of being relatively free came out of left field and I've only had a month to really realize how close we are to it.

I'm honestly... kind of scared to be happy. I don't think I'm ready for it XD

Like straight up, I'm terrified of being happy and healing now that I'm at a huge threshold point in healing probably. Im just like

Wait wait

Wait no wait

Hold up slow down

I haven't thought about this decision genuinely beyond a theoretical haha thatd be nice but would never happen

And its at my front door

What do you mean Ill have OPTIONS in life other than survive

Im not ready for OPTIONS in life

God someone hide me I'm not ready to live and thrive jesus christ

Most graduating college students I feel have this anxiety around graduating because they have to live on their own, take on independence, and have to adult permanently on their own and that stress I'm good I love that I'm ready for that

But god damn does the freedom of not having to prepare for the next test every 3-4 weeks, the grind to do more and more, and then returning home and not having my own place - that shit, THAT shit scares the fuck out of me

Make me survive on $5 for food a day, fine I can make that work I'm used to and good at struggling and suffering. Give me a home and money that I make myself and let me live with my supportive and loving fiance and engage in my hobbies when I get the chance because I succeeded at immense cost at preparing for the work force?????????

Relaxing?! ENJOYING LIFE?! terrifying.

Like Im writing this satirically but its unironically the thing thats had me dysregulated for a fucking month. It's getting better and more manageable than before but good GOD have I never more understood the thing my therapist tried to get me to understand that "I have grown comfortable in my misery"

Like I don't want to stay in my current life style god no its not sustainable, but to get BETTER? To have a chance at something nice? Somehow right now that sounds scarier than the current life cause man, I know my misery. Even when my brain genuinely doesn't see this as a "waiting for second shoe to drop" the level of which I am so unfamiliar with existing in anything but a chronic trauma response state and the possibility that I might not be in a chronic trauma response state TERRIFIES me.

And Im really here going "Don't worry we still live in a dystopian capitalist society and life will still suck its okay" to ease my anxiety and good god

I fucking god PTSD man. Someone without PTSD aint like this man

-Riku