#why do i STILL feel like i havent gone through enough??

[caffeinatedopossum]

It would be great if I could validate my own pain so that I can stop needing bad things to happen to me in a way that I find both intrinsically reprehensible and morally disgusting

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[kimdokjas]

give me those fics u wanna rec sooo bad but havent otten the chance to yet😈

@mauxanhduong

HI YES I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

these are some of my absolute FAVORITE orv fics. the writing overall is just amazing showstopping spectacular. also several of them made me cry (both happy and sad tears) and now it's time to inflict that pain on others eheh

most of these are joongdok fics just fyi. also pls beware about spoilers!

ORV Fic Recs Pt. 2

(pt. 1)

i love ALL of these but the first five have such a special place in my heart, so if you have to choose pls choose from one of those!

before we diverge (let me tell you this) by carolee_sea

Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk go on a date together in First Murim.

fallen leaves by moo_lan

There is a faerie sleeping in the forest, and he has been sleeping for millennia. Yoo Jonghyuk has been travelling for a long time, and for some reason he feels that this was his destination all along.

Devotion by memoriesofdust (BehindTheRobinsMask)

It was cute. And because it was cute, Yoo Joonghyuk leaned in to do something unthinkable. He kissed Kim Dokja, shivering when the demon's lips pressed against his own. Surprisingly enough, the skies didn't rumble with anger. God didn't smite him right then and there. Yoo Joonghyuk continued to kiss Kim Dokja, drowning in his sweet taste, but the universe never cared. Yoo Joonghyuk did not fall from grace. Perhaps there was a reason for that. After all, angels were born to love God, and Kim Dokja was his. 

missing person report by lorilanda

Kim Dokja opens his arms. "Okay, okay." He takes a deep breath. "Okay. C'mere. Give me a hug." To his absolute horror, Yoo Joonghyuk actually does. Kim Dokja returns.

the false last act by younglegends

Living in a big house with everyone was convenient, most of the time. But there were other things that couldn’t be avoided. Or: The end.

(^^^ for the love of god pls read this one TWICE)

Down by AbsurdHerb

1863rd regression Yoo Jonghyuk tries to find out who Kim Dokja is and finds a lot more than he bargained for. You know that scene where 1863 tries to kill KDJ and the Third Wall stops him by sharing the whole story? I like that scene a normal amount.

Repose by Waltzfor-Zizi (azro_zee)

There were things that bound to linger when one had gone through the apocalypse and back. "Why aren't you sleeping?" Junghyeok asked, ever so coldly, but Dokja had seen him for over twenty thousand years to notice that there were subtle concerns hiding beneath his tone. "It's just…" Dokja gulped. Man, he felt so pathetic. "It's quiet," he finished lamely. In which Kim Dokja feared the silence, and Yu Junghyeok was reminded that the lull could be a little scary.

I am you (no sir, you are you) by aynchent

“It’s okay! Our,” Joonghyuk paused as he placed his hands around Dokja’s shoulders, as if the words tasted bad in his mouth, “Joonghyuk-ie is just struggling to deal with his emotions again.” “Kim Dokja. . .” Dokja growled, internally crying. A good old-fashioned challenge of, “How Well Do You Really Know Your Companion?” Spoiler, the winner may just surprise you!

Taking Action to Contain a Hopeless Squid by gayboy_advance

It started out innocent—just some minor actions to ensure the slippery man’s safety. Yoo Joonghyuk made sure to check on Kim Dokja every time before going to bed, specifically when the other was already sleeping soundly. He figured it would be less explaining if caught, as well as less likely that the man would up and leave once he had actually taken the time to fall asleep. Unfortunate or not, it was not enough to settle his worries as time progressed. Or: Yoo Joonghyuk is anxious about Kim Dokja wandering off and accidentally killing himself at night. His solution? Sleep in Kim Dokja's bed.

you used to be my satellite by Karelyon

One moment, darkness, stillness, silence. Then, the world comes alive once more. Cacophony of noises, the train rolling on tracks, people talking, laughing. Music from his headphones. Sunlight through the window. Smell of cologne, a teenage boy’s deodorant, stale air and flowery perfume of the grandma sitting a few rows ahead. Yoo Joonghyuk is once again in that subway. It is familiar, but also foreign. A whole lifetime in the past. He blinks as the world descends into chaos. or: Yoo Joonghyuk in his first regression, with all his memories from the 0th round, meets one Kim Dokja.

can wait for you at the bottom by trainerlyra

He didn't really have anything to say to him, then. It wasn't like he hadn't said everything before. To his surprise, Kim Dokja broke into a smile. Or: Kim Dokja goes off on his own again, and when he comes back, he's noticeably different. Yoo Joonghyuk isn't sure how to deal with this.

seldom the ghost returns by yamscooper

“Do you think you deserve this?” the Oldest Dream asks. Dokja is exhausted, miserable, shaky in his own skin. He’s so tired of being tired. “I’m starting to think I do,” he says.

~~

i have more but i need to stop at some point lmao, i hope you enjoy!!

[thoughts-and-other-thoughts]

finding solace

sirius black x son reader

description: sirius and his son havent had much time to catch up, but it seems he and harry have already bonded as father-son. you feel neglected and sirius realizes he's been neglecting you as a father.

--

The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix was bustling with activity. Harry Potter and Sirius Black were engrossed in conversation, catching up with each other since Sirius's return from Azkaban. While this was happening, you watched from a corner of the dimly lit room. Lately, it seemed like Harry was the only person his father had time for. It had been two years since your father's return, and you hadn't been able to talk to him much at all. You couldn't help but feel neglected, and it was beginning to weigh on you.

One night, after everyone had gone to bed, you found yourself alone in the living room. You couldn't hold back his tears any longer, you were thinking too much about everything with your father and were filled with self-doubt. Remus noticed you while passing by the room. And he cleared his throat to make his presence known. He walked over to the couch next to yours.

"May I sit here, Y/n?" Remus asked gently.

You wiped your tears away hastily before answering. "Sure, Remus."

Remus sat down. "What's bothering you, Y/n?"

Leo hesitated for a moment before opening up. "It's just... it seems like my dad only cares about Harry. I've never even really talked to him before, and I can't help but wonder if I'm not good enough for him to pay attention to. I've never really had a father, he's been in Azkaban, and in the orphanage, you don't find parents." You laughed a bit at how that sounded. You hadn't intended to say so much but once your mouth opened you couldn't stop yourself, and your tears seemed to be flowing with no bounds.

Remus put a comforting arm around your shoulders, bringing you close. "I understand why you feel that way, but your father cares about you deeply. Sometimes he gets so caught up in protecting Harry that he forgets to show it. Still, that doesn't make it right, I'll talk to him about it, okay?"

You nodded, grateful for Remus's understanding and now reassured that he would talk to Sirius.

The next day, after a particularly tense Order meeting, Remus found an opportunity to speak with Sirius regarding your feelings.

"Sirius," Remus began with a stern tone, "I want to talk to you. Do you realize how much time you've been spending with Harry in comparison to Y/n? If you haven't, then you should know that Y/n's been feeling pretty neglected, and he's not wrong for it. You need to change something."

Sirius's expression shifted from concern to guilt. "I didn't even realize. I've been so focused on Harry and the Order..."

Remus put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I know, but Y/n needs you too. He's your son, and he deserves your attention." Remus understood to some point how Sirius was feeling, he was the one who had gone through Azkaban and he could tell his mind was still a bit scattered.

Later that evening after dinner, Sirius sought you out and found you in the kitchen, sitting at the dining table. Your expression showed that you were still feeling down.

"Y/n, can we talk?" Sirius asked gently, and you nodded, "I'm so sorry for not being there for you as much as I should have been. I've been absent and I'm sorry for not making as much of an effort to be here now. I'm honestly still sort of messed up, but I'm not going to let that excuse anything, and I promise from here onward I will make more of an effort to be present."

You looked up, surprised and relieved. "Really, Dad?"

Sirius nodded, a deep sense of guilt in his eyes. "Absolutely. We'll do things together, just the two of us, like we should have all along. I don't want you to feel neglected when you have me."

He wrapped an arm around you and you leaned into his touch, taking in his musk scent, and it felt like the rift that had formed between the two of you was beginning to slowly heal.

[pfft-me]

Rise Leo x Female Reader

So Im back at it again with the one shot. Again I chose to go with female reader, but i can also do gn and male readers. Again forgive me for any ooc in regards to Leo. I had also written this at like 2 am. I also have a headcannon that the turtles like to bite. Like at random times their gums start hurting so they usually have matching chew toys. I also picture reader as a diamondback terrapin.

April

Leo

Draxum

I hid under my sheet in the comfort of my dark and cool room. I hadnt seen the outside world for some time, though its not like I can anyways. After a butched mission with the boys I hadnt even thought of anything else but hiding. We had been fighting Draxum for what feels like 100th time, and he had gone to attack April. I pushed her out of the way and was caught instead of her. The gang was threatening Draxum but apparently he didnt care as usual and injected me with some ooze. All I remember was gagging because I could feel the stuff go through my blood stream. Draxum had been cackling but stopped because I hadnt mutated like he wanted.

"What, why arent you mutated?"

I shrugged "maybe you had bad ooze" Raph and Leo then start to beat up Draxum for touching me. I suddenly felt sick and didnt want to be there. "April take me home!" I whined as she pat my back.

"Hey babe are you ok?" Leo touched my shoulder triggering something in me. I pushed him away and started feeling dizzy "Babe?"

I fell unconscious after that and woke up in bed. I knew I was different. I could physically tell that I was and with some knowledge of how the ooze works thanks to Donnie. I mustve been mutaed to a turtle. I thrash and turn in bed not wanting to be awake, but alas my stomach betrayed me. I sat up letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I grab my phone wincing as it turned on. The screen was full of messages from the boys and april. Along with some other friends and family. I just scrolled through the messages not bothering to answer since I wasnt in the mood. I walked into my living room, flicking on the small fairy lights around the room. It was more comforting than the actual light. A new message popped in from Leo asking if he could come over. I sighed sending him a quick "sure, bring food" I quickly call up April hoping to feel a bit better.

"Hey girl! Its been a while are you ok?"

"Ive, ive been better" i spoke softly. My throat hurt a bit and my body was overall sore. "Did you bring me home?"

"Yeah I did, and no i havent seen you since then, also did you mutate?" I nodded but realized she wouldnt see me. "Ill take that as a yes. Nami do you think you can look in a mirror?"

"I dont want to. Im scared. Shit Leo is coming over, April what do I do?! Hes gonna freak out!" I started panicking.

"Hey, hey, hey, he loves you! No matter what you look like and I mean you did fall for him and hes also a turtle" she laughed causing me to chuckle. A knock came from my window alerting me that he was here.

"I have to go, thank you"

"Anytime!" With that we hung up.

The knocks came again and my name was faintly spoken. I took a deep breath and walking into my still dark room. The fairy lights in the living room gave it a small glow just enough for me to see. I peek through the curtains a bit and there Leo was. He held some italian food making me smile. I slowly opened the curtain, letting him in, but hid behind the cloth.

"Babe what wrong? Why is it so dark in here?" He walked into the kitchen, quickly putting the food down on the counter. I walked up to the door frame my body still partially hidden. "Nami?"

"I, you, you love me right?"

He quirked his non existent eyebrow "of course I do. Come here and eat" he motioned with his hand for me to come closer.

"Leo, im not the same"

"Uh clearly," i winced a bit at his sarcastic remark. He noticed me pulling back into the room and sighed. He walked over placing his hands on my shoulders, then slid them down my arms, causing me to shiver. He took my hands into his and kissed them. "Im sorry," i blinked at him "im sorry I couldnt stop Drax from doing this to you. I know that this change is huge and you wont have a normal life anymore. Youll have to go into hiding like the rest of us and if im being honest. I couldnt stop feeling guilty. When you pushed me away I knew i triggered the mutation. Im so so sorry. I sometimes think about how i shouldve never asked you to be mine"

I pull my hands away and grip his biceps "dont you ever say that! Dont you ever wish anything but for us to be together! I love you! You love me! Something like this isnt gonna change that. Sure my body is sore as hell and i really need to bite something, but that besides the point" leo smiles at my last comment. "Actually seriously why do i have the need to bite so bad right now" i massage my jaw a bit.

He laughed and pulled out a green chew toy. I look at him unimpressed "it happens more than you think. We each have one and I thought youll may need one too. Why do you think I always bite your shoulder?"

I took the toy from him and bit into it. I hummed and continued to bite it as Leo pulled me into the kitchen. He pulled me into a hug as I happily chewed on the toy. "Youre so cute oh Mi gosh and look at your shell, so beautiful!" He brushed his hand against my shell causing me to pull away. "Oops"

"It super sensitive, even more so now dang it!" I pulled some pasta out of the bag and dug into it.

"Hey that means you can now train with us sometimes. We can help you get used to being totally awesome like moi" he flipped his non existent hair.

"Imma speak with Donnie first"

He groaned "my not so awesome brother? Why?"

I shrugg "just to do a quick physical"

"Hey! Im the medic in the family let me do the physical" he laid his head on my shoulder

I giggled "you get too physical if you know what i mean" i fed him some pasta and watched he ate it with a pout. He hummed then remained quiet as I occasionally would feed him. I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my head. I felt him shift a bit to kiss my neck, causing me to flinch. "Yes?"

"Nothing, youre just really beautiful" if i were human i wouldve been flushed red, but I guess having green skin helps with that. "Can we just cuddle? I dont want to share you just yet" he wrapped his arms around my waist. "Aw honey youre so small"

"Shut up Leon, lemme eat" i moved on to the next dish. "I will bite you"

"Ooh please do, ouch" i bit down on his shoulder , of course not super hard, but just enough to quench my need. "Oh its not that bad" he then preceeded to bite my shoulder. I shivered letting out a weird rumble.

"What was that?" Leo bit me again and the sensation happened once again "leo stop tell me"

He laughed "its an equivalent to a cat purr when theyre happy or well needy" he smirked at me and I just shoved his face away "hey come on~ Im educating you here"

"Teachers don't flirt with students" i stuck my tongue at him.

"But boyfriends do flirt with their girlfriends" he kissed my cheek.

"you are being needy and touchy. Whats up?" I look at him with worried eyes.

He just shrugged "i havent seen you in a while. I just miss having you around is all. I love you a lot"

I smiled softly, pecking his beak. "You are such a loving turtle~ How could i ask for anything more?"

"Of course im the best turtle, strongest hero, dashing brother, loving boyfriend, and-"

"Greatest champion. My champion" he flushed red hiding hia face into my neck causing me to chuckle "never change Leo, never change.

[podcast-stargazer]

There are so many incredible moments in the season 2 premiere of death by dying so go check it out if you havent already! SPOILERS FOR @deathbydyingpod FOLLOW, SERIOUSLY LISTEN BEFORE READING THIS

Without further ado here are some of my favourite moments (in chronological order):

‐ then Bury it, as deep into the earth as we will bury our depression afterwards

(I relate heavily haha)

- Hello, I am the totally fine and emotionally stable Obituary writer

(Ah huh, sure you are)

- Anyway, I was being shot at

(What a beautiful segue back and it always makes me laugh)

- I just love the music that comes in when Gert is found again (also the fact Gert is Gert in the transcript and not Marian makes me laugh)

- pretty man

(He is indeed)

- who doesn't want to be the little spoon

(I feel that on a spiritual level)

- ooooh, kablooey.

Indeed kablooey

Kabloeey

Kablooey

(What an iconic and emotionally intense section of dialogue. The feelings kabloeey introduces are indescribable)

- the entire maggot sequence is just perfection, I've never been so invested in maggots

- I thought you could use a hand

(Giving him a hand was in fact very useful)

- The return of the silent nuns! It was so cool to see these guys brought back because of the emotional depth these guys allow the characters to explore and fight against

- the whole paragraph about the idea that maybe Charlotte was right about the fake happiness being better than living with the grief

(I have very strong opinions on this whole concept but it hit really hard to see how OWs views had been morphed through dealing with grief and the complexities and pain of it while still holding out hope for Charlotte - it hurt so much)

- Gerts sacrifice - plenty of iconic lines in here but im partial to 'two plus two equals four, i don't know what that has to do with this but...'

- the direction in the script of 'Click! Beep! The detonator - oh fuck' is pure beauty

- Kablooey

- I need to know why she's gone (this just hit so hard seeing the parallels in how their grief is similar, yet knowing how different it is at the same time)

- It's okay...write me a good Obituary...won't you? (THESE WILL NEVER NOT KILL ME AS LINES, THEY WERE SUCH IMPACTFUL LAST WORDS AND UGH, PURE PERFECTION)

- The angel of Death not allowing his last words to be Kablooey

- 'Somewhere I could only go if I was dead' which was a beautiful line, but was then followed by the increasingly beautiful 'Being mysterious makes you sound like a schmuck!'

- Why are you doing this?

Charlotte is my friend

Thats it?

Yeah

(Ugh, this show has such a hold on me - I'm a sucker for an amazing friendship like this)

- then I'm just going to have to keep on living then, aren't i

(What an icon this man is)

- the 'snow' that I immediately knew was ash but still found absolutely hilarious when he got hit with an earlobe

- You once said nothing done out of love is a mistake. I don't know if what I'm doing is a mistake. But I'm doing it out of love. I hope that's enough

(I didn't need to be hit so hard in my emotions)

- Martin is an iconic bicycle, I love him

- The beautiful 'Wait I can't publish any of this can I?' As OW realises he broke the law many times

WOO! That's all of them, I hope you enjoyed reading that haha, looking forward to the upcoming episodes!

[kurjakani]

Hiii! I was wondering if you’re still into cyberpunk if you could give us (mainly me) some more Dum Dum/ Royce hcs I love the way you interpret them 💛 just go off the rails plz

I am DEEPLY into dummybaby still even tho its been a while since i played cyberpunk 2077.. the tech stuff is cool in a lot of places but the only ppl who rllly wet my appetite for scifi humanity r the maelstrom and the little hints we get about how they function.. Im not like. adept w any technology i can barely keep my comp 2gether so i dont quite understand it, but the part about Maelstrom bodies or brains somehow amplifying music in Totentanz? Made me d r o o l

ANYWAYS im not gonna talk abt te canonical stuff i barely remember it i need 2 refreshen my brain abt it but ill give. u a quick reminder of how i visualize/characterize Dum dum mostly but ill also give some royce stuff and then ill just go ham w some headcanons abt their basic life.

2 me as like, one of the CHillest maelstrom, which, isnt saying a lot, but 2 me (maybe as an adhd person who experiences the same and mayyy be reflecting a bit teehee) hes someone whos experiencing some level of understimulation who gets over it w extremity.

I usually imagine ngl that its caused by being so overstimulated by an extreme enviroment for his whole life (i mean. night city yk?) that he needs constant punching to get through life. this makes for a vERY hollow feeling life for him but 2 me.

Royces chaos kinda enhances it for him 2 some kinda point of like. purpose? Almost? which is why he seems 2 have at least. like some mild genuine respect & dedication to him. yipee yk.

Royce is just batshit and he loves his music and is the exact opposite he seems 2 be full of energy and so on. Royce is hyped Dum dum is exhausted but seeking smth that feels real and alive and exeptional.

2 me. we get so little abt their personalities in game PLEASE leave me alone this is ENTIRELY speculation and reflective.

anyways yeah just some random stuff!!!!

bc of that i kinda like to think that they r both. unwell sleepers if that makes sense? Dont sleep enough. Royce sleeps naturally very little and dum dum keeps up w him. We doo see dum dum usually just hanging about, lounging, I can totally imagine him taking mininaps constantly, eyes flickering from time to time, head nodding. Snapping 2 awakenness suddenly when Royce starts speaking again.

ive looked at some rotations of dum dums model and some of his bodymods are DEFINETLY more just aesthetic than functional.. at LEAST his upper lip rings. Those r trditional piercings. Probably also is chin metal n much of the stuff around his mouth. Again im not technically adept and Idk what the designers were going for, but I'd love to think that also the cored part around his neck, where they've just taken a part around his spine and replaced it w a dent of metal, is fully appearences, just bc its so extreme and interesting. He likes his bodymods he enjoys the process!!!! Perhaps he even enjoys the care that goes into them, bodymods that heavy must require a lot of care.

I dont. think he has tattoos in his final design right? og dumdum had the tats? Though i do love to think that he got tattoos when he was younger but most of them have just gone through being torn apart by his later bodymodifications. Maybe he has some shitty stick & pokes somewhere thatd be cute. bonding w the boys.

he mentions he likes classic rock music- tbh i kinda love 2 imagine that hed also enjoy old movies/shows? classics enjoyer. i knoww they have like those brainfilms n shit but its rly hard for me to imagine film going out of style fully, just like books havent fully gone out of style bc movies exist. i dont remember if movies r much mentioned in the game though. STILL yeah I bet hed like some horror movies... He would 1000% watch texas chainsaw massacre etc, and movies from our day as classics. Midsommar w / dum dum sounds like a nightmare.

Secretly dumdums a lil interested in philosophy. He kinda dismisses stuff like that but he does have a secret admiration for the world and thoughts. This comes out particularly bc Royce has some weird ideas.

I think he must be running warm most of the time.... My friend asked me if i think his metal parts get cold enough for your tongue to get stuck and yeah thatd be funny he prolly hates cold weather and needs 2 wear a balaklava when its wintery outside so his metal parts dont freeze his face.

seeks purpose but u might not realize it bc hes made chaos his purpose

Litcherally never prolly thinks about cyberpsychosis. if e does, maybe he even wishes for it in some way? in a self destructive sense. Royce is more likely to experience it faster, though which i imagine would be a big blow 2 dumdum

Has a lot of CASUAL friends in the maelstrom but it never gets fully to the level of found family/genuine friends. Yes they have a lot in common, yes he spends all his time w them, but it often feels surface level to him, and "unreal". Hes found a more profound connection in Royce, but i feel like his admiration is a little one sided, and that he realizes it? But is like. whatever this is still nice.

dehydrated, forgets to eat and eats like shit when he does eat. Loves carbs and sugars. Possibly caues some of his exhaustion.

He kinda plays up his emotional outbursts!!!! He isnt that angry. He does it to assert dominance in a very outbursty enviroment. If he was in a chiller enviroment you could actually mess w him quite a lot and hed just laugh and mess back w you.

BOTTHH of their eyes can flicker 2 the beat of music like those old computer apps that played music and had some kinda visual indicator of the rythm. fuck w them

Dum dum prolly drives some kinda rly shitty van most of the time, just bc hes usually hanging out w so many people. Big driver in general!!! Not like a car/bike person but enjoys sitting at the wheel and feeling out how the car runs. usually a p good driver but sometimes he gets too focused on getting some adrenaline and becomes a bit of a mess of a driver.

[ankhisms]

ok i didnt take a lot of screenshots while i watched but i did write down some thoughts as i was watching so heres episode 41-44 thoughts

ep 41

really fucked up that ZECT has a like gas bomb that makes worms lose their mimic abilities and then they go in and kill them like honestly in that scene it seemed like the worms were like hiyori and rich boy and reina like just living normal lives not harming anyone. frankly im on the worms side here that was fucked up

tendou really climbed an entire mountain just to be dramatic on the top because of course he did

theres a new goth guy in town with a trench coat that hes got the hood pulled up on so you know he means evil business

"what does it mean that i am the top of zects son" kagami how have you gone this long without knowing that your dad is the boss of zect. like i know youre estranged. but you work for zect.

aw rich boy is so worried about his besties being hurt

kagami has admitted that it was a lavender marriage

tosses glitter and falls over, dead

KAGAMI HAS BEEN TACKLED AND HANDCUFFED FOR TRYING TO SEE HIS DAD. I HATE HIS DAD..kagami we need to kill your dad

renge voice how did you get an entire huge bed with a canopy over it inside our tiny ass cafe. did you really have to sleep here. tendou voice who cares. have breakfast. dont question anything that happens anymore

POURING SUGAR ALL OVER THE TOFU WHATRE YOU DOING

"the end is close" ok thats not ominous at all. normal things your dad says to you

"father why was i born" kagami..... kagami my friend kagami )): i havent seen anything about the end of kabuto but i do genuinely have a bad gut feeling about how everything might end for kagami like im concerned about him

the hoppers looking at rich boy and going god i wish someone would call me young master and spoil me and rich boy going hahaha so true. who the fuck are you guys again is so funny. and then theynjust start fighting for no reason like ok yeah sure

"please dont hold a grudge against my son" "i dont hold any grudges against kagami" dont worry mr zect president tendou is holding something else entirely against your son. as in hes holding him in his arms and um

"im not doing this for zect im doing it for someone i trust" aw kagami. i still think its a bad fucking plan

OK SURE HE WAS A WORM THE WHOLE TIME. SURE. WHY NOT.

"i wont trust anyone anymore" GOD. KAGAMI. IM VERY WORRIED ABOUT HIM LIKE WOW. HIS LIFE SUCKS CURRENTLY

THEYRE PUNCHING KAGAMI REALLY FAST HASNT HE GONE THRU ENOUGH

i get kagami might be a bit shocked that the guy hes been working with at zect and really trusted is a worm but like. i dont understand him having such a violent and like disgusted angry response to him like kagami knows that hiyori is a worm and knows that tsurugi is a worm and he has no issues with them?? and like his team mate guy was trying to protect him and help him and rushed over to see if he was ok and tried to help him up so its just kind of like. kagami i get you might be shocked but this is still the same guy youve always known and respected and trusted its just like. cmon now

ep 42

"time only flows for me" ok sure! whatever the fuck! i just am accepting every single thing that happens now because like yeah why not. this might as well happen enough bizarre unexplainable shit has happened already we might as well through something else in

watching a hostage tape ransom message on a projector

ok the zect counsel is like hooded mysterious figures. makes sense

TOFU DUEL......... TWO!!!!!!!!

i can not believe i forgot about kagami having a brother which was a whole thing in the beginning which was very tragic and sad it feels like the whole direction and feeling of the show has changed so much since then

baseball with feelings

"i kept seeing my sister in her" UM. DONT SAY THAT

i love kagami pushing open his jacket and touching the gattack belt in the same kind of movement an old wild west cowboy would do to reach for his gun holster in a shootout its very fun

misaki why did you say yes to going out with him suddenly. misaki please

it feels meaningful to me that tadokoro comes to save kagami and fight the other worm in his human form.... and then him reaching out to help kagami up and kagami taking his hand vs how kagami reacted when he first found out. cries

you may be able to stop time but consider this: im the fucking sun

not gorou chan is so mad about not being able to launch a missile attack. typical government behavior

TENDOU DITCHED THEIR TOFU DUEL

uh oh the other tendou is here

ep 43

other tendou skips into the cafe and is like lalalaaa im going to kill tendou. okay byeeeeeeee and skips out

"hiyori doesnt want to see you any more" DONT SAY THAAAAT HES HER BIG BROTHERRRRR

i do enjoy tendou two as a character so far hes fun

"how did you come here from the edge of time and space" "lol not telling you"

help this really is like this universe isnt big enough for two tendous

tendou two, while beating tendou up: whyre you hitting yourself stop hitting yourself

why must we fight the goth evil worm guy why cant we kiss him

cant visit your boyfriend in the emergency care ward of the hospital unless you look hot

the evil goth worm guy being able to copy any attack he gets hit with is a fun twist

IM NOT MISAKINU. IM MISAKI. YOU TELL HIM GO

"when my mimic defeats me" tendou. dont fucking say that. but also it makes sense. hes the kind of big brother who would sacrifice himself to save his little sisters. but like tendou. tendou your sisters need you alive. kagami needs you alive

"keep it all a secret from kagami" STOP!+!!!!!!! NO. YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BREAK HIS HEART YOU KNOW HE WOILD DO ANYTHING TO STOP YOU FROM SACRIFICING YOURSELF

crying and sobbing about tendou teaching jyuka to cook. he loves both his little sisters so much but also he misses hiyori and cooking with hiyori was their sibling bonding activity

aw tendou two loves hiyori in his own way and doesnt want hiyori to be sad ):

the scene with tendou saying i have to die to save hiyori and kagami trembling and yelling AND I HAVE TO WATCH AND DO NOTHING WHILE YOU DIE?? they were in love there

yknow what i cant even blame hiyori for saying shes not returning to the world ever again. its her choice she should be allowed to make that choice. but also. sad

ep 44

i kind of wonder if hiyori was written out of the show because her actress was needing to do something else but i could always be wrong it just is kind of what the whole deal felt like

NOT MY RICH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!

did not at all expect kageyama to stop his hopper-isms and put on a suit and be THA BEE again but im proud of him

oh he fucking got his ass kicked. well he tried

LETS GO HOME.... WAAAAAA... I LOVE YOU SIBLINGS...

i do feel bad for tendou two like it kind of seems like his entire existence was made to revolve around pretending to be tendou to keep hiyori there or whatever but also they had him fucking chained up and locked away tortured and now hes all alone. that sucks so bad for that guy

oop kageyama took off his suit hes back on the path of hell

OK TENDOU TWO IS GOING CRAZY. OK. DID HE JUST FUVKING KILL HIYORI. HOLY SHIT

[storiesofsvu]

Well… that was… *something*

Law & order premier event thoughts…

Okay, here we go!

(Fuck i just realized i never did a “what i hope/wish to see this season! I’ll do it after)

oh. Okay. We’re diving *right* into things with Ukraine? 😳 jfc

Cosgrove(?)’s daughter & all this talk about gunshots is terribly foreboding

SNIPED BY DADDY BENSON JEEESUS

I just do not like Cosgrove….

Oh GOD & NOW he’s fighting with Stabler?! We couldnt have gotten through this ep without a “whos dick is bigger” contest, could we? 🙄🙄 like i was *just* gonna say how frank’s acting like stabler & then stabler shows up… ugh. Bring daddy benson back pls

Ayannaaaaaaa lookin like a SNACK as per usual!😍

This “crossover” really is more like a 3hr movie. First 30mins moved pretty slow like the OG l&o vibes… now we’re into the OC feels. Where are my svu babies? Bring them in pls.

I cant decide whether this CI is a complete idiot or a genius.

Why are we being forced to deal with so many low neck, chest exposed outfits for stabler 🥴

Oh so we’re putting Amanda in oversized blazers this year?

Watching them do raids on l&o after watching so much Chicago pd is just pathetic. Like, they’d lose so many cops with how bad it is.

I’m sorry. But if i was going to raid a house of a very dangerous criminal… i’d put my hair up to make sure i could SEE what i was doing…

Loving this style update for Jet😍

Did ANYONE think the CI was gonna make it through the ep?? Like cmon that was obvious

There was 3:44min left on the timer & that was WAY less than that….

Are velasco & fin just like, kickin it back at the precinct watching tv or something rn?!

Yessssssss Sam is here now! 😍😍

But also hate the other ada

Wait… this perp (in pt3) has DEFINITELY been on svu before… he sold liv & elliot a baby… right?!

Sir… you are sitting like a lesbian…

WOW we just jumped two months!!

Where TF is carisi??

AMANDA ROLLINS IS ANTI TAYLOR SWIFT??!! I *NEVER* WOULD HAVE THOUGHT! Like she would be the number 1 swiftie…

FUCK.

Okay like i KNEW something like this was probable because dw wanted her killed off BUT COULD WE GET THROUGH A SEASON OPENER WITH**OUT** SOMEONE IMPORTANT GETTING SHOT??!!

Carisi’s gonna show up now, right??

UGGGHH PEEEETTEERR YOUR ACTING!!??? GOOD GOD. JUST SO SCARED & worried & 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭

Wtf is this jacket olivia has on? I cant tell whether its leather or denim or leather posing as denim??!

Liv did what was right. Putting nicole out of harms way was way better than making her testify when she’s already almost been killed multiple times.

Oh fuck you mccoy

How is NO ONE from the da’s office even TALKING about/worried about rollins?!

THANK YOU SAM!!! I KNEW I LIKED YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ON THIS DAMN SHOW (also she’s looked *bomb* in every outfit so far..)

I feel like we might be starting to learn more about Sam’s history/childhood thanks to this ep? Or like, this might be hinting at some future character arc?

UCK. I literally just said “at least elliot’s gone” and WOW he feels the need to come back…

There are TEN mins left & we still havent gotten an update on amanda??!! Come ON

Yo, dick wolf, tell me you hate amanda rollins without telling me you hate amanda rollins 😒😒😒

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! The crap scenes we GOT instead of:

a panicked emotional carisi at the hospital, a sympathetic & just as worried liv who’s trying to hide it to be the bigger supporter, a worried fin who’s watched her take a bullet already!! The REUNION & relief when they’re told she’s out of surgery & going to be totally fine. The CONVERSATION between amanda & sonny, the heartfelt confessions of how scared they were to lose each other, how carisi was internally freaking out about the girls and legally who would take care of them if amanda died, and how it should be him over anyone from her family. How the only thing aside from the girls amanda could think of was that she wished she had told sonny she wanted to be with him forever, be the dad to her girls, how life is short & they’d wasted enough time already. Followed by an untraditional proposal, one that neither of them expected & sonny doesnt even have the ring, but they agree to marriage anyways. FOLLOWED by liv, fin, velasco, jessie & billie coming into the room in a big happy found family wrap up…

Brb… just wrote a one shot that was better than the wrap of this damn episode.

Ugh 🙄🙄🙄

@bookpillows here ya go

[remcycl333]

this might be all over the place so im sorry in advance, but i really need help. i feel so lost and completely unmotivated to manifest my desires like i really just dont know what to do. ive been feeling depressed lately and i really just want to change my life to how i want it to be, but i have no direction. literally on tumblr theres blogs arguing/talking about how a certain to manifest is wrong so it feels like im running in a big circle over and over again. i also dont know how to stay persistant ill admit. i dont know if its because im being impatient or if i just dont have enough self discipline. but i am just so tired of living the life im living now im starting to lose hope. i thought manifesting would be my chance to finally be happy with myself, but i still havent managed to manifest any "big" desire such as physical appearance or even just manifesting to see a random car. ive known about manifesting since 2020 so i know its taking longer than it should, i also know its my own fault that im still stuck here but idk what to do anymore. the only thing i have manifested is seeing angel numbers everywhere but that wasnt even intentional so i dont even know how i did it. im so scared that ill have to live my life like this forever while everyone else on here is living their dream lives. i just want to be happy like i really dont understand why i cant just grasp this simple concept like everyone else

baby, work on your self concept. you'll feel so much better and confident, and manifesting will be easier for you. choose the way you want to manifest, and do it. and stick to it. if you like to affirm, then affirm. if you like visualizing, visualize. don't listen to any blog who tells you affirming doesn't work. that is bullshit, as most of the bloggers you see on tumblr manifested their dream lives by affirming. any way you want to manifest will work if you assume it will. but at the end of the day, you have to choose. you have to decide that you're sick of your current circumstances--sick enough that you will actually be willing to do whatever it takes to manifest. ik that in a strange, twisted way thinking negative thoughts can be comforting and help you feel like you have more control over things, but that is not true. nothing bad will happen if you simply decide to give manifesting your all. nothing bad will happen if you stop thinking about how much you hate your life and how hard manifesting is and how difficult it is. only good can come from that. put yourself on a mental diet and stay consistent.

nothing will change if you keep thinking about how awful your life is. absolutely nothing will change. you have to let those thoughts go. i know it can be hard, but if you really want to see change, you have to let it go and trust that as long as you persist, you are guaranteed your new life. you persist by continuing to stay faithful to your new story even if you see absolutely no evidence of it in the 3D. even if you see the opposite. you persist by not taking no for answer, and never ever saying "it didn't work." it always works, even in you haven't seen the evidence of it yet. every single thing you want already exists in your 4D: you just have to stay faithful to the 4D and persist in it until it manifests into your 3D. everything you want is possible, but you have to let the old story go. it is dead and gone. and it is perfectly safe for you to let it go and to persist in your new story instead.

but at the end of the day, you have to decide. you have to be your own motivation. you are responsible for whether or not you manifest your desires, no one else. all of us have seen people shit on the way we like to manifest, or have seen 500 different new contradicting techniques, but we all sifted through all the information and found what worked for us and ignored the negativity we sometimes see on tumblr. you already know everything you need to know. if you need to take a break from tumblr (and all manifesting content) until you manifest your dream life, do it. but you have to put your foot down and decide for yourself. everything i just wrote will be all for nothing unless you decide to listen and choose a better life for yourself.

you got this. you are god. stop saying you can't manifest and step into your power. give it you all. you won't regret it.

[caelumsnuff]

I wish I could get paid like $16,000 (after taxes) or more a month for mediocre plotting, weak characterization, and once-a-month subpar audio porn like this basic and uninspired creative. This is quite bitter of course lol because his work was a fixation of mine for awhile until I realized how not great a lot of it is if you think about anything for more than two seconds and I also watched a lot of the podcast and realized he’s not a particularly kind person either lol.

It does have a little bite to it, but i don’t disagree with you. once again, under the cut because i am so so opinionated and i love ranting.

God i wish i could get paid that much too like gahddamn.

I sometimes wish i could say that his work was just a hyper fixation of mine, but at some point along the way it became closer to that of a special interest. I have quite a lot of fun criticizing and analyzing his work now, critically engaging with it (both being critical of it and having my brain on while i listen so i realize how bad it is at times lol) has become something i enjoy thoroughly. Good brain exercise.

I never was a patreon and im not going to be so i don’t know about the quality of his audio porn but like. I have GWA for that LMAO.

I agree about the mediocre plotting, ive talked plenty on this blog about how his plots are so often mediocre. I think a lot of them fall through because of the fandom reaction to them, or even their potential reactions. Which is a shame because Im of the opinion that he writes darker stuff better, but he doesn’t even just fumble the ball like he fucking drops it sometimes. (Fucking Marcus. Kody.) (the weak ass shit with inversion having no major consequences. Kill some characters you pussy) I think one of the reasons his plots are mediocre is because of the lack of consequences, of actual gravity and stakes. We never kill anyone. No one sustains permanent injuries. We need some kind of fear lingering over us that is palpable and that feels probable, something that has us sitting on the edge of our seats. But he tiptoes around doing things like this, and it has happened so often that we have settled in our comfort that no one important is going to get hurt, and nothing is going to change radically. Honestly it’d be a great time to do so now that we’re comfortable, but i doubt he will. Kill a listener. Kill a major speaker. Give someone permanent injuries. Fuck up relationships beyond repair. Have some horrible secret be revealed, betrayal and hurt and all that jazz. I havent listened to the Avior finale yet, but from the opinions ive seen from people i respect i dont have my hope very high.

Yeah if you think about any plot related stuff theres a 90% chance the floor is going to collapse out from under you. Its actually genuinely impressive how badly this man can fuck up an allegory, gotta give him props for that.

I feel like his characterization fumbles as well a lot of the time, his characters start off with so much personality and quirks and then he starts really fleshing them out and then……. They get buffed and smoothed out. At least thats what it feels like with all the fluffy, no plot comfort audios with little plot in between for months at a time. I do genuinely enjoy a lot of the characters (or the earlier, more full renditions of them. Or just the idea i have of them in my head) but i still think lately they’ve gone down hill. And i hope thats a trend that ends.

I’ve said it in anons to other people so if thats why this sounds familiar, its because it was me lmao, but i don’t particularly care for Erik’s personality all that much. I tried watching his livestreams way back, but i didnt last long because his chat is fucking annoying ass all hell and he wasn’t entertaining enough to justify me staying (for reference, i watch streams a lot. Ive moderated streams, Ive seen very annoying chats. His is horrible). I watched the podcast for a while but i just got sick of his and odies personalities. Hes kinda boring and comes off as fake to me. I wont assert that i know what hes actually like, i dont know the guy and it literally could just be general dislike (we’re human, it happens). I just tend to separate the artist from the art with this one. Its whateves.

But aside from all that, i hope that you still find some kind of joy in staying here if you choose to do so. Maybe its the fanfics, or you critiquing and analyzing the frankly subpar content, or maybe you make art of your own or play with what these characters could be like little dolls in your head, as long as it brings you joy.

Thank you for the ask anon! 💕

[bridgyrose]

Good morning Bridgy, although I guess it's more like night on your end. Could I possibly, maybem remotely, pretty please have some more of Blind!Weiss? Yes? No? Maybe my cat? Okay then...

Weiss gently ran her thumb across the cloth grip of her cane as she listened to Yang grumble about her knee. “That’s what you get for taking my cane.” 

“Noted, never take your cane…” Yang sighed and started to look over the menu of the cafe. “You do understand what you’ve done, right?” 

“I understand exactly what I said. What I dont get is why you trust that criminal.” 

“Because she’s our teammate and we have no proof that she’s done anything wrong.” 

Weiss closed her eyes and lowered her hand down her cane, almost as if she had been looking for something. Her voice trembled as she spoke even as she tried to hide her true emotions. “The White Fang… were the ones who took my sight away. My father managed to get the news to play it all down, but… there was an attempt on our lives when I was younger. I’m not an idiot, I know what my father has done with the company hasnt been… great, and I know his treatment of faunus is less than ideal, but I live in fear every day that someone’s going to finish the job that they started.” 

Yang lowered her menu and looked at Weiss. “What did they do?” 

“I was five when the manor was attacked. A group of White Fang made it onto the grounds and planted firebombs around the property. I… had snuck out of my room to see Winter and I stumbled across them.” Weiss’s hands had begun to shake as she found Winter’s and Klein’s names etched into her cane and gently ran her fingers over them to calm herself. “I froze and couldnt move. One of them used a semblance on me and kept me still while another came at me with a knife. Winter found me and saved me. One of them panicked and threw a dust crystal and shot it. Once the explosion was over, the room was cold as ice and I couldnt see anymore. All I really remember from that day was my head hurting and Winter holding me close and whispering that she was sorry she didnt protect me better.” 

Yang went quiet as she started to understand what Weiss had gone through. “And… that’s what started the hate, wasnt it?” 

Weiss nodded and took a few deep breaths to stop her shaking. Once she was calm enough, she picked up the menu and started to run her fingers over the braille next to each item. “After that, things got worse. Trains and other shipments were attacked and hijacked, board members, family, and friends started to disappear. Father grew angrier and when he’d come home, he’d… show me his anger.” 

“Sounds more like he abused you.” Yang sighed and motioned to her eye. “The uh… scar you have. Was that from the White Fang too?” 

Weiss paused for a moment and ran her finger down the scar that still stung. “N-no, that one was my fault. A uh… training accident.” 

“Just a training accident?” 

Weiss nodded and went quiet as she finished running her fingers over the menu and figured out what she wanted. After a few silent moments, she finally spoke again. “Why do you care about all of this?” 

“Because I care about Ruby and I know she cares about what you think about her.” Yang leaned back a bit in her chair and sighed as she looked up at the clouds in the sky. “She was accepted here two years early and made leader of our team. Do you understand the kind of pressure she feels like she’s under? And on top of that, you havent exactly made things easy for her. You argue with her all the time, even when you try to help her with her studies. And now you’re fighting with Blake, which means she’ll feel even worse being around you.” 

“I dont hate her, I just think she needs to-” she paused as she felt the ground shake and heard a faint explosion in the distance. “What was that?” 

Yang turned around and let out a heavy sigh as she saw smoke rising from the docks. “Something tells me Ruby and Blake might be in trouble.” 

Weiss stood up and started to press her aura out so she could see the people around her as she started to walk in the direction Yang was looking. “Lead the way and lets go get them.” 

Yang smirked and got up after her. “You’re going to help Blake willingly?” 

“Dont get any ideas about it, I’m only doing this because maybe… you have a point. I dont know if she is a criminal and I should… maybe… hear her out first.” 

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Same anon from before, and I'm gonna kick things up a notch, now I'm going in the opposite direction where Wukong (who does have a history of an incredible temper and a catastrophic history of violence) who's so distraught and upset about Mac using his stufent against him and about MK training with Mac that after the fight Wukong lashes out and gives MK that wound before stopping to realize what he's done, but it's too late and MK has screaming and Mac *heard* it happen, and looking at Wukong with total disbelief and broken trust that a shadow portal opens up under and brings him to Mac, who's let down his glamor and has a scar from a similar wound.

AaaaaaAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO and by no i mean YES YES but also AUGH WUKONG NO

Okay this goes for a while so i need a readmore

*head in hands* Wukong.. how would his and MK's relationship ever recover from that. I dunno if it would tbh. I feel like after that though, he'd either 1) hide away and wait for MK to come back, 2) do whatever he can to figure out what magical stuff and things he can get to fix MK's eye, or 3) seek out MK to take back his powers and staff before Macaque convinces him to enact some sort of vengeance and misuse those powers (which Wukong thinks he can understand why MK would do that and feels guilty and deserving enough to think it possible).

Or all three, not necessarily at the same time. Because this monkey may have a temper but DAMN was that Too Far For No Good Reason. He's supposed to be better and look what he did >:( but if his mistake leads to MK doing terrible things, he cant let that happen, and as sweet as Wukong knows the kid to be, its not like MK would go back to being trained under Wukong after losing an EYE. Probably. Definitely.

MK's most likely response would probably be shock, some disbelief, and then resentment, but not vengeance. He might feel guilty for a while, because it was him who went behind his mentor's back, but he'd also realize (and Mac would tell him) that he didnt deserve to be half blind because of it. He'd want to avoid Wukong more than anything, but if Wukong did try to take his powers, he'd fight back - because he still has to protect the city and his friends - and that would only exacerbate things further.

I like to think Macaque would certainly be empathetic, and a bit sympathetic, but im pretty sure the sympathy would be buried under the frustrating righteousness of MK not even trying to get back at Wukong. But hey, if MK begged him to train again (with less trust than before, but he doesnt have Monkey King anymore...) and Macaque actually agreed (probably trying to take the opportunity to convince the kid to share his power with Macaque or have MK fight Wukong with him) then... thats an opportunity for hesitant bonding time :)

For example: living with One Eye!! eh.... it's disorienting, your depth perception is suddenly gone (but kind of there through context clues), if your eye isnt healed yet you get headaches from moving around too much and sometimes from your other eye straining to pick up the pace (i cant remember the stuff i know about this), you may or may not have to sleep upright for a while - stuff i havent researched because if i click off my tumblr app my phone lacks the RAM to keep it open in the background. Fighting is harder, walking is harder, driving is harder. You have a literal blind spot and it's a little terrifying, especially when you dont notice someone is there. You ever do that embarrassing thing where you lift a utensil to your mouth and miss for no good reason (i do that with two eyes)? Macaque may have some tips to help adjust and a greater understanding than everyone else around MK, and thats always nice. Im pretty sure Macaque would encourage MK to use his ears more, especially on the blind side, even if it's easier for the Six Eared Macaque to do that than the two-eared MK.

But man.. the fight between Wukong and MK would be such a hit to MK's already bruised ego. Wukong would admit to his own terrible mistake, but he probably wouldnt even give MK a chance to (maybe not forgive but) move on from what was done because he'd probably shamefully assume he didnt, and then IMMEDIATELY proceed to demand MK renounce his staff and powers and MK is like >:O "NO!!! I- I need these to protect the city!" And Wukong is like "well sure, yeah, but I'll be taking care of that. We cant have you misusing your powers." And MK is all "But I havent been misusing them?? I've literally been kicking demon butt while you were hiding all the way at your mountain or disappearing wherever you want in the world or doing absolutely nothing to help the city." And Wukong is like "You've been watching the island??" When it's more like Macaque was and just telling MK about it because MK wanted to know whenever Wukong was in town so he could hide and Wukong gets all defensive before MK can talk like "Of course you were. Scheming with your new mentor, right?" And MK is like "No??? I didn't- I wouldnt DO that-" and Wukong interrupts with "just like you didnt do it before?" When he KNOWS that MK didnt purposefully work with Macaque the first time but he's getting defensive okay??

Id love to end the ensuing fight with Wukong getting genuinely angry again and that trips up and scares MK BUT. Wukong manages to hold back. He's not there to hurt the kid again, he's there to stop him from hurting himself and anyone else. Which is a bit ironic, because MK's friends most definitely joined in on the fight and got DEMOLISHED, but they're not missing any eyes (or limbs for that matter) and that makes MK SO relieved yet guilty that they'd been put in that kind of danger to begin with. But Wukong definitely made use of MK's blind spot and that definitely hurts, actually, but is also infuriating.

Oh wait how do i end this where the hell is Macaque.

Macaque kept out for the most part, feeling it was necessary to have this play out. Not that it was exactly easy... but he does yoink the kid out of there when Wukong corners him and very nearly takes his powers. And if any little MKs were in denial of just how far Wukong would go to do what he thinks is right (no matter how wrong he is), the good news is that Wukong had to remove the limiting seal on MK's powers that made him less than immortal first, and that achieved two things: 1) MK saw for himself Wukong reaching inside of him to rip out the best defense he has for the city and his friends, and 2) MK's powers remain unlocked when Macaque yoinks him out of there. And so commences the comfort portion of the hurt/comfort that this entire thing seems to be. I always like to think that Macaque is rather awkward when it comes to reassurances. He seems like a guy better at throwing out the harsh, twisted truth and a guy good at giving out platitudes, but he tries.

After that fight, MK and Macaque both realize that the King isn't going to let this go. Before Wukong showed up, MK had a choice between fighting with Macaque and hiding for a little longer, but now he doesn't even have a choice. It's fight or lose.

[seldomscilence16]

Whumptober day 8: Everything Hurts and Im Dying

Fandom: Merlin

Prompts;

Stomach pain

Head Trauma

Back from the dead

Havent touched Merlin for awhile, since I was mad at the ending, but lets do this. So lets go with the timeline of "Arthur knew of Merlins magic a bit sooner than his damn death." And the one where the knights kinda knew too, it took awhile, but they also knew before Arthur.

Merlin stares out the window of the coffee shop, watching the park across the street bustle with activity. Even after all this time, he still cant help but think about how different things were before. How sports have gone from duels and jousting, to games where you pass things back and forth.

He can imagine his friends, staring with him, he think a few would probably like or even prefer these games, but also the faces of scrutiny from others. How there would be bets and goading until they all ended up at the park to try it out...

He wonders how their lives would have differed, if they'd been raised in this time instead. Would Morgana have found a way to thrive? Would Uther have been so... him? Would everyone have found a way to be happier and safe and alive?? Would he have had to watch a whole world change and disappear? Watch his friends leave him?

He shakes the thoughts from his head, it was no use dwelling now. He just needed to come to terms with the fact that... he would be alone forever, in a world that no longer seemed to need a King. Which was fine! Why would he want to watch the ones he loves die again?? Hes been alone this long, he could deal with it.

He sighs to himself, before taking his leave, it was best to head home when his brain got like this. To read and let his magic surround him in the safety of his property, until his mind quieted enough for him to continue on. Merlin stuffs his hands into the pockets of his light jacket and keeps his head down as he makes his way through the crowds. He makes a turn where the crowds thin, and finds his head being aquanted with a plank of wood.

He supposes thats another way to clear his mind.

...

Merlin supposes that he probably jinxed himself.

The world was always listening, and he figures it probably finds him ungrateful or something, which he probably is. So now it was going to give him something to complain about, like a mother tweaking the ear of a spoiled acting child. He didnt think he was necessarily spoiled, but he could see how this could maybe get him out of the rutt he was stuck in.

After all it'd been awhile since he was kidnapped.

Given, this one would be a little harder than the others to escape. What with the glyphs carved into the manicle around his ankle, and the blaring headache that was making any sort of concentration difficult. And, Whoever captured him this time, knew what they were doing, he felt like Kilgharrah in the cave beneath the castle.

"Are you awake demon?"

Ah, so one of those cooks.

"Holding your tongue will not gain you anything. Grant me what I want and maybe there will be mercy in your future."

Why is this his life? This guy was a headache on top of a headache. He doesnt deign the guy with a response, hes perfectly fine trying to get his head to stop spinning, and then find a way out of her.

"Fine, we shall see who can outlast who."

He's left alone, in a mostly dark, dank basement of sorts. In a cage and magic bound, with a head doing its best impression or a basket ball dribble, and an eery silence he wishes would leave him alone.

...

For someone who cant die, Merlin can get hungry. Of course, he doesn't have to eat all the time, but it helps with energy and keeps him from being utterly miserable, and helps with healing and stuff. He doesnt like the feeling of being hungry of course, the pain that comes from a stomach trying to eat itself is less than pleasant.

But it does let him know that he's been here long enough to be this hungry. A week, maybe a week and a half, two at most.

Its annoying really, more than anything, unable to use his magic more than a few sparks, unable to move more than the chain and cage allow, and the hunger pains that wrack through his stomach often enough leave him curled up. He'd much rather be moping at home, or finding something to fill his time, or even plotting his next life. Not sitting here, a prisoner to a meer imbecile.

He comes down every so often, Merlin estimates it could be every other day, but his head has yet to clear enough to really measure any time beyond how painful anything is. Which is why the sound of footsteps on the stairs doesnt startle him, even if he's sure he just saw the man. He stays curled in his corner of the cage, arm wrapped around his stomach as another wave of pain wracks his weakened frame.

The footsteps stop at the front of his cage, slide abit to indicate a crouch, this is new but Merlin does not move, he will not give the man that satisfaction.

"I know its been awhile, but a smile would be nice."

His head snaps up faster than it should, a sharp pain and wave of dissiness hitting him, hes glad for an empty stomach then, lest he lose what he had.

"Easy there."

As his vision clears, he sees the owner of the voice, he wonders if its his mind playing tricks, but hes just different enough to make him think otherwise. Hair a little longer, face younger, but his eyes exactly the way he remembered,

"Lancelot?"

"There you are buddy. Looking a little rough there Merlin, think you can hang on a little longer?" Lancelot holds out a sandwich of all things, and as Merlin tentatively reaches forward and is able to take the food, hes finally convinced, he takes his friends hand and is sure he'd cry if he was able.

"You're really here?" He asks to be sure, and Lancelot gives a sad smile.

"I am, and Im pretty sure the others are too. Kinda funky being brought back as myself and not a puppet, but its good to see you Merlin."

"But, Albion doesnt really exist anymore, theres no kingdom for you all to save." Merlin doesnt understand, Albions need was supposed to bring Arthur back, and yet Albion is no more, how is Lancelot here?

"You're still here arent you? You really think we'd stay away from you?" His grin is as handsome and cocky as it always was, "Im afraid I have to go Merlin, but we'll get you out, just hang on a little longer."

"Tables have turned huh?" Merlin tries for a grin, but doubt sinks in, "this isn't a trick right? Its... a little hard to believe."

Lancelot squeezes his hand,

"Have faith my friend, we're with you always."

And its only the fact he walks out, with another reassuring smile, and he can hear the door open and close, that keeps that hope alive. That the sandwich doesnt turn to dust in his hands or mouth is another relief, even if it sits rather heavy in his stomach as its energy is eaten through quickly. Nausea waves through him, and he forces the food to stay down, before hes left feeling empty once more, if not less shaky.

He doesnt fully understand how he could have been what brought them back from the dead, but if it was true... well maybe the world was finally answering his grief.

...

Coming back to life was weird.

Reincarnation was different than necromancy, and this felt different than reincarnation, if that made any since. Sure they all looked the same, if missing some scars and stress marks, but they hadn't remembered who they were until a week ago. At precisely the same time, that they could tell anyway, they collapsed and were practically dead. Coming back with memories of old, and of the lives they had in this century, but also with a new feeling in their guts.

Now Lancelot knew the feeling of Merlins magic much more than the others did- or rather could recognize it since their varied knowledge of said magic- and this feeling reminded him of it. And it was this feeling that had them all ending up in the same place, the place where Merlin was being held.

Lancelot had been the first to arrive, he had been close, mearly a bus ride away. But Percival hadnt been far behind him, that was his first clue that the others had to have come back as well. He couldnt bare to have Merlin so close and not give him some hope, so with Percy on watch, Lancelot had visited the warlock. The sight had nearly killed him again, and he vowed to run the man through for hurting his friend.

But this was a new world, and so he and Percy decided it best to wait for the others, at least for a short while, to devise a plan that wouldnt have them tried as murderers. And until then, joining the cult was easy, holding back on knocking heads harder but managable, for Merlin they'd behave, unless of course they caused further harm, but they would not fail him.

Not again.

...

Arthur was pissed to say the least. Coming back only to find Merlin in trouble and a world that was so different from the one he'd given his life for, was unsettling to say the least. But mostly, the fact someone was picking on his idiot, he would not let that stand.

It helps that his sister in this life is a lawyer and has rubbed off on him enough to know exactly what to do. And with his men with him, well, no one would stand between them and their much needed reunion.

...

He wakes, after an unwitting sleep- thinking it was nothing but a dream. His stomach still wishes him dead, and his head- though a bit clearer- still smarts with a wicked headache.

He releases another few whisps from his hand, simply to remind himself of what his magic is, even at the cost of a burning ankle. He will have this shackle destroyed somehow, whenever he does make it out of here- and he will, this man will make a mistake soon enough.

Said man makes another visit, though this time he seems fit to follow through on previous threats. A taser of all things is unexpected, and painful, but also not as bad as quite a few things from past lives. Still, he convulses, crumples into a heap on his side, but glares at his captor.

"The only thing you'll receive from me, is a curse. Clotpole." He manages, past a dry thoat and aching lungs.

"So he speaks. Perhaps a while longer and you'll be more... aggreable."

The man walks away once more and Merlin lays his head on the cool floor of his cage. He'd been through worse, but at least then he'd had a purpose, something to look forward to. He was so tired.

...

Elyon didnt know what this guy wanted, but if he really thought this would get him anywhere, he was dumber than he thought. The only thing he was doing was unknowingly giving them more reason to leave him for dead.

And boy did they feel no remorse in it.

This guy had a long list of crimes, sins, and dirty deeds. And this cult and its members were much of the same. They'd be doing the world a service to say the least, and Elyon knew they all looked forward to walking away with Merlin in hand.

They didnt come back for nothing after all.

The plan had come quickly, Arthur was ruthlessly efficient as he laid it out for them, and it wouldnt be hard to accomplish. The cult had gatherings- summoning attempts and the like- nearly weekly, and it was the perfect time to act.

While Arthur, Lancelot, and Gwaine would get Merlin, the rest of them would ensure this summoning ended in fire. An easy accident to have, or an offering/summoning gone wrong, all likely and believable conclusions. They'd make sure of it.

...

Gwaine percures the keys, a slip of hands for both the cage lock and ankle shakel was easy enough, the leader really was an idiot. Slipping off as the others gather is easy enough too, and while they want a piece of destroying this man, Merlin came first.

As they make their way down the stairs, Gwaine is not fully prepared for the sight. Lancelot had of course warned them, that Merlin was in bad shape, that he'd been through a lot, though none of them quite knew what. They were mostly relieved he seemed to remember them, and their life before, and even seemed to have magic... and the more Gwaine thought on it the more things didnt add up, or well, painted an ugly picture. But that wasnt important right now, they could make up for lost time later, for now they needed to get him out of here.

Three weeks down here was too long for their friend, and they swore it would never happen again.

Merlin stays curled on his side, hair falling over his closed eyes, though its obvious hes not asleep, tense as he is. Lancelot crouches low as Gwaine starts on the three locks on the cage.

"Merlin, we're here. Im sorry it took so long, but we're getting you out of here."

The man doesnt answer, though a tremble starts in his limbs that worries them all. Arthur steps forward then, keeping an ear on the door,

"Come now Merlin, I surely dont pay you to lay around all day."

That has him moving a bit, head turning just slightly for an eye to peak through the hair, squinting at the three of them with scrutiny. Gwaine get the door open and enters slowly, hands out in hopes he doesnt spook his friend.

"Gonna get that nasty shakle off yeah?" He asks, trying for soothing.

"Wasnt a dream?" He asks, voice a little slurred and hoarse from either disuse or dryness or both.

"We're here Merlin. And we're getting you out."

...

They watch the estate burn for bit, far enough from the city to bask for a moment, before they take Merlin far away. Hes skinny and tired, eyes telling them they missed a lot, but hes alive.

And maybe, maybe he didnt come back from the dead like they did. But as they assure him of their pressence, a little bit of life blooms in those georgous eyes of his. And things start to feel whole.

[gayspock]

ALSO jool jool jool

im still very torn on jool. i think ultimately... i dont know. i dont entirely GET why she's here, still. like i mean i get it- she doesn't have anywhere to go, or whatever- but narratively speaking.

like i could understand some arguments. maybe, i figure, her purpose was to balance out the different groups (i.e, talyn crew vs moya crew). and i suppose that makes some sort of sense, both in terms of numbers and dynamics- but it still just isnt... enough for me?

because like. my PROBLEM isnt her being an "annoyance". i mean- ok, the screaming was too much to begin with, but theyve dialled it back so im fine with that, now. but like, i havent gone through too many forum threads/discussions on her, but i can easily see people writing her off as the woooorst bc she's "annoying" in general which. LOOK...

like, sure, i get it could be too much for some ppl still. but me? usually i dont mind if there's a character, who just causes issues for the others, and i dont mind if there's a character whos whiny, and i dont mind if there's a character whos kind of written to be "unlikable". im usually v fine with that, do you know what i mean? like- if it makes sense for the character to be that way then im okay with it. and i think its more reasonable for characters to sometimes be in that role, and sometimes even necessary.

and i mean that ESPECIALLY when like.. frankly i think the character *is* kinda justified in their upset/distress and is lashing out bc of it. like i dont think it makes any amount of sense for everyone, all of the time to take things happily and in their stride and its odd when ppl expect that of characters. like yeah shes fucking bitchy. i would be TOO in her situation.

my problem starts is when like... it kind of feels like thats the only purpose they have? or they lack depth in other regards. and with jool, ehhhh uhm.... ehhhh. uhm. ehrm.

bc like thus far... she really hasnt DONE anything except be a plot device at times, to cause further conflict for the others. we dont really have the time to explore her properly. and it IS kinda odd for her to still be there with them. we dont really see a decent exploration of her with the others... she just acts out, gets yelled at, end of... and i feel like, when she does cause problems, its never... interesting?

like- forgive me, i have issues a bit with rygel too. BUT when he caused conflict, at least early on, it was with more purpose. he had good scenes with zhaan. he sold them out, a few times, but it was a calculated decision that made sense for who he was and in turn who the rest of them arent. he's there, sort of, as this constant reminder of how they started out with respect to one another. and he himself does have good scenes - like in the last 2 parter, where he just killed that charrid, or that scene all the way back in s1 where he was imprisoned with that other leader, etc... theyre interesting beats, and good insights into that type of character

but thus far we really.. havent gotten that with jool. and when she DOES cause problems, a lot of it is just... "oh jool fucked it up again! booo!" LIKE... i dont know it just feels lazy and like she is there for no reason other than to cause problems. and its a shame bc she does... have an interesting enough setup that they havent touched on, like, at all. which i dont BLAME them for- theyve had a lot to do, thus far- but like... also?

if they dont have time for her... then why introduce her at that point in the show? its how i felt with, like, the first time they reintroduced stark. you could so easily have taken him out of those 2 episodes he was in, before he died, instead of swinging back and forth with it. i mean it. instead it just felt wishy washy, with the way he was brought into the show, too.

and with jool its like... even when she first appeared she really didnt do anything, in my opinion, except scream and write them out of corners. and like i said- she hasnt done anything interesting since. and to me, it therefore just feels... like why is she here? i feel bad, bc she is starting to warm up to me-

bc like im saying all this, bc we just got her first episode where i liked her (that is, revenging angel). she fucks up terribly. BUT it isnt just for the conceit of the episode- i mean, well it is, but we also explore HER more properly, and see her honest thoughts, and we get that nice bit of her with d'argo. like she isnt JUST existing to cause a problem - she's actually a character in her own right, which ike... you know... i think thats a far enough thing to ask of a character. and its like they didnt even have to give her sympathetic reasons behind stuff, which they did here- they just had to, like.. give her some dimension, other than what they did

anyways. i hope they build on her more from now on but im also unsure of when the hell they could. im certain we're going to be building back up to something mad in the upcoming episodes so god knows.

[hhappylliving]

Constantly in a state of unsureness, non-judgmental unsureness, but unsure nonetheless.

Unsure about what? -Whats next?- where am I going? what type of job am I now wanting to find? is it something related to mental health or is it completely different? Do I apply to remote positions again, something that will pay more? If I were to apply and get a remote position- would I want to lesson my hours at PF but stay there for human interaction? What field would I want to apply to for remote work? So everything surrounding work.

-I'm (rightfully) worried about burn out. I know that a large portion of people who experience real/true clinical burn out feel like they've gone through healing and hop into stuff again only to become EVEN MORE burned out than they were before... I don't want that. I am genuinely afraid of that. I do not want my mind and body and soul to feel the way I did again.

-For the first time in YEARS I have very lightly considered the idea of a partner. VERY LIGHTLY VERY BRIEFLY. And the uncertainty surrounding that of -okay but literally men suck. and then there's talking to people and interacting with people and going on dates with people ALL WHILE I AM STILL COVID CONSCIOUS. and currently have no healthcare and my last vaccine was now over a year ago. so... And then theres the fact that I have been on dates while I was living at my parents house, and it is just very uncomfortable. I am very private with my family when it comes to dating and relationships, especially my parents. If I find the energy and time to leave, I have to explain where I'm going and who I will be going with. obviously I could lie but that's not the point. so unsure about dating in general/unsure about even wanting a partner in general. And then there's the thought of 'well why does it have to be a man?' and then I entertain that thought for a moment and think about how I enjoy masculine features and things the cis male body brings and then I think about how if I'm fine now having none of those things for YEARS and YEARS then why the fuck would it matter? And then I think about what I even find attractive in women and then the thought just fizzles and my brain is already done with inner dialogue and is ready to move onto something else.

-Then there's uncertainty about concerts. Which sounds fucking ridiculous, but concerts are my hobby. I can't buy tickets to my hobby when I don't know where I will be. Sure, I could travel long distances to attend said concerts but fucking christ it is so expensive. I like driving, I enjoy driving but like NYC/NJ is over 10 hours of straight driving for me. I would be going by myself. A plane ride from MI to NY is easily $600. Chicago is a train ride away- about 5? hours I think. Atlanta I think is closer to 15 hours away by car. I cant buy tickets for future events because I dont know where I'll be. My mom is sure I'll still be here in July (there's an artist actually coming to Detroit in July) so she feels like I could buy tickets for them. But then there are other groups who havent announced their dates and I would much rather see these other artists.

-I'm reading a book about Burnout and there's so much unknown while reading. I like to read and process and ponder and sometimes I jot down notes, I'm trying to relate it to my life and learn from it that way, but then again I'm thinking like "if its so easy to do these things, and I've done several of them, how did I get the way I did?" and several other questions like that (^that question kind of has an answer, it just wasnt the best fit obviously and that's okay, but just an example as I'm word vomiting)

I'm not stuck like I was a year+ ago (It'll have been a year since I quit my job in LITERALLY A WEEK), but I feel like I'm still stuck in the way that I STILL don't know what's next. I have ABSOLUTELY needed this time to heal from burn out, and have been so fortunate enough to be able to take this time and dip my toe into the world of working again. AND the indecision is difficult to live in. Especially in the current economy. That's another state of unknown and concern.