the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Title: Open Book

Artist: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

No Title

Creator: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

"Roofied"

Artist: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Aztec death whistles exist and I absolutely need one

[the-seeker-vyx]

Credit: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Waiting for my Dasher to fickity fockity fuck off before I go outside so they don't see me balling my eyes out

[the-seeker-vyx]

I had to take a break from blogging. Life got so real so fast.

S and I are done, as per my decision.

I start a new job in less than 2 weeks.

I've taken care of so many adult things. I effectively cut off nearly every person in my life.

I'm still alive and breathing.

Help me

[the-seeker-vyx]

Why? Because I fucking can

Photo: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Blog Post #15

There were so many differences in the me who walked through those doors yesterday

She was so much less nervous. Barely nervous at all

She carried herself with a confidence

She is more self assured

I was petrified when I came here 2 years ago. I was so nervous I analyzed everything I did, everything I wore, everything I said, everything I would say, every move I would make.

I waited hours to use the bathroom because I was too afraid to get up and draw attention to myself.

This time, I waited to make sure I wouldn't miss anything important in the beginning part and then I excused myself and went.

My body has changed since I last came. I'm in better physical condition. I have nice clothes that I didn't buy just for the sake of going, they're already mine and I adore them.

I didn't put nearly as much effort into my appearance at all really. Instead of thinking about how I would be perceived, I made choices that made me feel more grounded and comfortable in my own skin. I chose to wear things that were both comfy and sophisticated.

I wore my bare skin. I spent hours on hair and make up the time before only to look so far from my usual self. I was so scared of what other people would think of me. Anxiously preoccupied and unable to thrive.

I got so sick last time I threw up everywhere and I almost left. I'm sure now that a big part of why that happened was because I had so much pressure to perform, it was completely overwhelming. Overwhelming isn't even a word to do it justice.

The me from before was chipper and eccentric. I was outgoing, and I still am but it's much different now. I'm calm and laid back, hell I think my voice even dropped now that I'm not constantly trying to sound like a mixture between a customer service representative and a fucking disney princess.

I'm no longer playing a character. I am just me.

I'm still afraid of being seen but I know it's there when it happens now and I know how reasonably I should push myself outside of wherever the line of comfort is drawn.

Still, if I could have sat down with my younger self from 2 years before, this is what I would say:

"E, this will be the start of a giant transformative period in your life that nothing could possibly prepare you for. I don't want to scare you, but I won't lie to you either. You will become everything you always wanted to be, and it will come at a huge expense. I can't tell you what that will be yet, you need to find out. All I want you to know now is that we do become her. Yes, we do. She's here right now and 5 years from now she'll be so much louder than I am today.

You will go through heart break unlike anything you've ever fathomed in your life. You will suffer loss that is so unbearable you will lose yourself in the midst of everything. But you will become so much more functional on the other side of that pain. You will conquer the mountains standing in your way unlike ever before. You will overcome patterns of behavior that have haunted you for years and you'll start replacing those things with new actions that reflect the person you've always been and were meant to be.

You'll change the way you interact and you'll change the people you choose to keep in your life. You'll start developing boundaries between yourself, your friends, family, significant others, work place, and just the general public. You'll learn this through trial and error. You'll make new memories and have wild stories you never dreamed you'd tell. You will discover a new sense of self love. You'll become your own best friend.

I just want you to remember on those god awful difficult days that everything is worth it. That YOU are worth it. Seeing who you will become is so fucking worth it. I promise you won't want to miss it. I swear. Life gets so much better than it is now.

Trust me, it still gets me to this day. I have to remind myself when it gets hard too. I never said things would be perfect, it's far from it. But it's still progress, undeniably. I love you.

[the-seeker-vyx]

Undershirts and made beds

Because you're not like the others

I didn't want to stage it

I let you see my open parts

Broken walls are caving in

I'm not like the others

Slow burn till the rage ends

Optimistic lover

Nobody in the world has such small hands

Except for you and me, S

Where it starts and where it ends

I didn't count my steps in

I stared at you and you stared at me

We came to an agreement silently

I am the lock and you are the key

Together, we form a simple machine

Piecing together a picture

we both cannot see

I am the psychic and you are the dream

Living inside of fantasy

Wherever you go,

take me

I'll be your hostage

You set me free

Turning another page in

Save my place in moments

Seconds that last longer than minutes

Feelings kept in and words left unspoken

Other times it's the warmth outside

Your arms wrapped around

So far, so hard

The whole big wide world can't get inside me

But one thing I know

I can't let it go

I'll search for a reason and die here

While I'm busy writing

Rancid love letters

Or fairytale happily ever afters

You're the space between the lines

And the words

And the margins

But in my mind

I can see things

Ink stained papers fail to capture

Techno and temporary tattoos

Backing the car in

Fresh pork burritos

Listening to you tell me the story

Crouching together in the mud in the middle of the night

Standing in an abandoned storage room

Surrounded by dust, desks, and darkness

Your black jacket containing me

And all my little worries

My skin holding memories so much deeper

Than the scars that paint my body

I showed up and I found you

And you were there

And I was too

We drank from plastic cups

And we looked through each other

And I saw you

They went on my shelf because

on that day it felt like

You saw me too

And I waited for you

Until you found me

Title: "Not Like The Others"

Author: the-seeker-vyx

Photos: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Sometimes food is the enemy

Other days it's the remedy

Healing my relationship with food has caused me to seek out a grater understanding in so many other areas of my life

It's been such a long journey, but seeing myself actively living the lifestyle I've always dreamed of is still an inspiring affirmation

It's a lot harder on some days than it is on others. The ED thoughts are loud in my head. And other times, I can forget they were ever there. To me that is a victory

I still hope for better things someday and I know it will all happen in a matter of time

This is me. This is life. I'm going to be okay

Author: the-seeker-vyx

Photos: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

You were one sentence away

From telling me to stay

But you kept your words

Locked inside

I was one day away

From wandering astray

Shutting the door

Unable to ignore

A whole month's passing

Since the words

Go home, please

Left your mouth

And you never called

And you never asked me

And I waited

Even when I told myself

I wasn't

I was still waiting for you

Title: "Waiting"

Author: the-seeker-vyx

Photography: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

Blog Post #14

Yesterday I was talking to a distant friend about therapy. They go and they have been for quite some time. I asked them some questions about the way their therapy is conducted and it quickly became apparent to me that it was a dead end therapist.

What I mean by a dead end therapist is a therapist who focuses on your day-to-day without every tying anything back to childhood. There is no understanding the impact of those memories because they never get brought up. You have no real therapy goals, even if they say you do there still is no clear outline with concise details explaining how you'll achieve "less anxiety and better sleep." Yet still, there is this destination point where the therapy is thought to resolve when all your issues suddenly have. You know, even though you're not doing anything to work on them.

You pretty much just goto an office (or a zoom call) and vent for 30 minutes. Feel understood. And that's what you pay for. And for this particular friend, they live in an extremely toxic and isolating environment so therapy is the only sense of validation or security that they're getting. And they probably think that that's enough.

The fact is, the situation they're in is what's making it impossible to move forward. Is the therapist pushing them to confront that fact? I mean clearly there is a way of going about it, but still.

Anyone could do what that person is doing and they don't need a degree to do it. That's something a friend or a family member should be doing, not a therapist. A therapist is there to help challenge you in certain areas while providing clarity and empathy in others. It is a safe person to be with you while you experience things like grief or rage or sadness.

My friend is seeing a glorified acquaintance. You can't even call it a friend because they don't even consistently talk on a weekly basis. And how am I supposed to tell them that? Oh yeah, by the way, you know- no shade or anything, but your therapist is wasting your time and money and even if they mean really super amazingly well and they have a love for all things healing and people centered, they fuckin suck and they should honestly find another calling? How about no. I'll pass.

And they can keep going to their pointless fake therapy. And never get better. And never even know that they're too unintelligent and unaware to know what's happening.

[the-seeker-vyx]

Blog Post #13

Things are coming together. Here's the latest update: S and I are on the verge of working things out. We are already breaking physical barriers, but the lack of emotional conversation leaves me feeling anxious and uncertain. I constantly want to pull away or shut the door. But I'm choosing to see it through at least for now.

I still don't talk to any of my family members like I did last year. I'm pretty much all on my own now. I was just thinking about how no one really knows my inner world the other day. As soon as I stopped showing up for both sides, everything fell through. No one is trying to have a relationship with me.

I was going to them and telling them all of the personal details of my life. They didn't have to ask about anything. And they never did as soon as I stopped sharing.

I have some friends I get to spend time with and talk to. It's not the same though. It's really the only support that I have. I'm trying to come to terms with how much of my needs in friendships and relationships are me projecting a paternal figure onto someone else.

I know that it is an important part of the healing process to accept that that need for a loving, good enough parent is never going to be satisfied. It's too late, the ship has already sailed. I have to grieve that loss now, however long that takes.

So other than that, I'm productive and financially secure. It feels good. But there is still a part of me feeling un whole. Empty. I don't experience a lot of joy. Most of the time I feel nothing, and when I do feel something it's usually anxiety or irritability. Depression a close runner up.

I miss being in love. I miss having hope and purpose. I miss my spark. Even though things are better now than ever before, I feel like I lost so much in the midst of everything that I'm left feeling like this broken person beyond repair.

[the-seeker-vyx]

Patrick Teahan discusses ways to rebuild a lost sense of self when healing from childhood trauma.

[the-seeker-vyx]

"I miss the way we were"

"But I like the way we are now"

"That was all I needed to hear"

Title: Conversations With You

Writing: the-seeker-vyx

Photography: the-seeker-vyx

[the-seeker-vyx]

When you can't find safety in the company of others

You'll find ways to create it in other spaces.

Untitled

Quote: the-seeker-vyx

Photography: the-seeker-vyx