am-i-me-now

[am-i-me-now]

One day I might amount to something,

I’d like to hope.

Not being the second choice for once,

Not being the burden everyone around me has to have in their life.

I’d like to dream of the day when someone has a genuine interest and care for me, where there is no doubt, no hesitation in the belief in the words they speak. Yet it is not now, and I do not see it anytime soon.

What do I amount to? I ask myself daily, yet I have no answer for the answer does not yet exist.

“Nothing” the void whispers back at me, haunting me at every given opportunity.

I am a third wheel in every beings life, neither here nor there, and no moments that are unique to just us to share. I am a forgotten breeze, carried on the wind and never missed or remembered, for she is so insignificant that the world will not remember her name.

I ask myself why did this become my life? But I have no answer, nor the words to begin to explain the truth. I am but a lost soul begging for a chance of belonging, yet the cries are lost like myself amongst the current of the wind.

[am-i-me-now]

I wonder if one day the care I give to others will be returned to me in some way.

I can’t let my hopes raise on that front though, every time I care too deeply it’s like it bounces off a mirror- and is never truly acknowledged.

I wish I could stop myself from feeling so deeply, and letting it overflow like a tsunami I cannot even begin to contain. People say that it’s not a bad thing to feel so much, but these people must know the feeling of having it reciprocated.

Maybe I let myself jump ahead of things yet again, a simple “I love you” turns into me finding all the little reasons I love the way you exist, and turning it into some romantic poem. I know our brains all work so very differently, but the way it bruises the fragments of my soul are embarrassing.

I disgust myself with the emotions I feel on a daily basis. This fragile little soul that feels everything so very deeply, that hurts and bruises like a peach at the slightest of knocks, but repeats itself time and time again. I wonder why I do this to myself. Why I don’t change? I really ought to.

[am-i-me-now]

Politicians like to claim our healthcare is the best in the world, our public health service is excellent they say, as their private doctors fawn over their scraped knees and aching backs.

Most of these are male, these claimants. They have no idea what it means to be someone with a womb, experiencing the war on having an audience to the issues, a diagnosis to confirm the carnage, let alone treatment to resolve anything.

My doctor told me I was too young for surgery and I shouldn’t let my worries hold me back from actually living. My doctor agreed that having a child could indeed help my symptoms and “clear it out”, but I think he had a bias on what I should be doing with my body.

He did not think to tell me, it was not insignificant with the staging of my disease. That if left untreated, my organs will fuse, and I will lose all hope of a future child, and having a digestive system that is not decimated.

That my disease has been found in an area where it is already difficult to treat, but because I could walk into the appointment I can obviously manage my symptoms without surgery.

Why is it, that so many men, from all walks of life, want to tell me how my disease affects me without experiencing it for themselves? If they knew what a week was like, they would fall like raindrops in a storm. These people want to take away our choices, when we have so little choice left to begin with. There is carcinogens in the pills we take, but the presence of the toxicity is another bitter pill we swallow each day that we have to suffer through their selfish rulings.

We must create change.

[am-i-me-now]

I envy that don’t battle the demons of their depression every single day.

Because mine haunt me in every empty moment. It’s not something I will open up about or you’ll hear me say. Because the moment I do, the floodgates will open and the way you perceive me will forever be changed.

There’s this constant loneliness you see, even when I’m surrounded, it’s got its icy claws dug deep. Smothering me and stealing the breath in my lungs, the deadly taunts are words unsung.

Late at night it’s what keeps me from peace, the thoughts in my mind obsess and ponder on what would be the final blow to take me to my knees?

It wouldn’t be much I tell you that. I don’t believe the niceties said to the face, and trust in anyone is something I lack.

I crave the day when it can all just stop, yet I fear it more than I can explain. Part of me wonders if the world would care and would they understand this level of pain? No I think not, I hope not. I wouldn’t want another to feel like this, and to feel this shame.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can’t end things and that is something I mean, but I have this strong feeling the world is trying to end me.

[am-i-me-now]

Missing you is unlike anything else I’ve known.

When people say that you find your other half, and without them life is empty, to me this is what you’ve shown.

Waking up next to you every day, holding you in my arms and exploring the world together is something I got used to, even though that was a short space of time. Now you’re on the other side of the world, a different time zone and my heart is far from fine.

Yes, I know you’ll be home eventually but that is eternity in my eyes. I doubt that the love I had for those before you was real, because I have never missed someone with every fibre of my being that every night without your arms around me makes me want to cry.

By no means am I needy, I don’t need anything or anyone! But the fact of the matter is that I want to be there by your side, loving you in every moment possible, and dancing under the sun.

I have never felt as seen as when I’m with you my love. I’m counting down the days until I can see you face-to-face and my god, it can’t come soon enough.

[am-i-me-now]

I saw a meteor tonight and I thought of you.

It was meant to be a meteor shower, a sky full of burning light, falling to earth, but all I saw was one solitary, but so very bright blaze. It felt like how I did, realising how intensely I fell in love with you.

Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, searching for solace in similes?

But perhaps it’s oh so emblematic of us. Tortured past lives, and a cacophony of struggles in very different ways as if we were a tickbox exercise for new wave companies to fill out.

Maybe it was fate that brought us together, with the intention of us burning together, fuelling the fire that the other had lit in our souls.

[am-i-me-now]

The ways in which you show me love I never knew existed are endless my dear.

Respect of personal space, without pressuring me to seek an answer in you for everything- yet somehow I want to confide in you for that alone.

Listening without judgement, and the patience you show in every little thing you do, yet you say you’re not a patient person. You’ve given me nothing but that my love, am I the difference in that or are you perhaps too harsh on yourself?

Care in every way, without patronisation. Wanting to be there for the endless hospital appointments, not to judge but to support in any way you can for me. Being there on the bad days, showing kindness and love, and even at my worst I feel like I’m at my best somehow because of you.

The eagerness to explore the world and our dreams together, the instant planning of it too, there’s no doubt nor hesitation in anything we do together and I cherish every atom of your being.

I can’t wait for an eternity of returning that to you my love, and for our love to continue growing without limits.

[am-i-me-now]

Meeting you was like opening my eyes for the first time to what love actually was.

There’s no degrading, judgement or backhanded comments. There’s no doubt, and I don’t know how to process that in some ways.

My mind tells me you must be a fever dream, but when I go to wake myself up, I can’t- maybe it is real life then?

You, for the first time in my life, make me feel wanted and loved. Truly and unquestionably. It feels like you’re the half to me that I never knew was missing, and being in your arms is everything I need and dream of.

Maybe this is it? Maybe a soulmate is a real thing? And maybe, just maybe, we have found each other after a lifetime of hoping.

[am-i-me-now]

in english we say: "I love you."

but in poetry we say: "I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river, to me you're everything that exists; the reality of everything."

[am-i-me-now]

I never expected to fall in love within a couple of dates.

From the first, I knew I was in trouble - this blistering attraction wouldn’t leave my mind and I welcomed it.

Our third date we were at the gallery exhibition, and you asked if I’d love you if we were snails in a different life. “Undoubtedly” was my response and I was like a fish out of water when you looked at me and said “oh you love me then? That’s good because I feel the exact same way”.

Since meeting you my thoughts have been filled with your face, and those honey sweet eyes, the feeling of finally finding home, and the first time I can clearly imagine the future with someone. Not just my cat, artwork and I.

I can’t wait to paint your breathtaking self into every crevice of my mind.

[am-i-me-now]

Kind of getting back my confidence. Ish . 🤣 Next stop, actually land the tattooing apprenticeship somehow 😅 With the fitty @sacharebeccaaa (at Manchester, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFVQwBvhwvV/?igshid=8t5eivqp0wys

[am-i-me-now]

Like wildflowers; You must allow Yourself to grow In all the places People thought You never would. ~E.V Progress. It's getting there. Sort of. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBkk5tABOXe/?igshid=5m55twojxgf

[am-i-me-now]

Just a little thing I did.

I'm trying to create a potential portfolio, for starting a tattoo apprenticeship- something that I want more than anything, and that I've wanted for about 10 years, but it got pushed aside because I was listening to everyone else on what THEY thought I should do.

Not anymore though. I want to do what actually makes me happy, and this is it. If you've got any tips or advice, I really would appreciate it- I'm based near Manchester in the UK!

[am-i-me-now]

Fréjus, France 21.06.2019

[am-i-me-now]

Hungarian Parliament 2018

[am-i-me-now]

Budapest 2018, Heroes Square

[am-i-me-now]