dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve - Tumblr blog

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Photos From When I Was Knee Deep In My ED Addiction

It's crazy for me to look back on these photos & think that this was almost 5 years ago. This was the second worst time of my ED. I say second because yes, there's a time after this that I got even worse. And the fact that I got worse, is a testament to how having an ED is an ADDICTION. It takes over your brain. Your entire way of living. I was completely consumed by numbers, calories, thoughts of food, and everything else. This was a horrible time in my life for me.

But EDs don't just go away. They stay with you. I still catch myself today looking at these pictures & romanticizing my ED. I have to catch myself and remind myself that this was NOT a good time. This took over my entire life. I planned entire weeks of eating around a single meal on the weekend. Just so that people I was spending time with wouldn't think anything was wrong. Because they would see me eating. I ate such a miniscule amount of calories, that I know if I had continued to keep going - instead of seeking help - I would've ended up in the hospital or worse soon.

What woke me up to realize I needed to get help was when I woke up one morning and, same thing as usual, I got dizzy sitting up in bed. But it's fine, it's NORMAL. So, I proceeded to stand up, getting dizzier, and said to myself, "It's gonna go away shortly, like usual." I started walking towards my bedroom door to go use the bathroom. Except, after a few feet - while I was still focused on walking to my door - my feet took my body 90° to the right (my body didn't even turn, I was still facing forward - facing the door) where I collided with my dresser drawers, slamming into it and blacking out. THAT was the moment I realized that if I didn't get help soon... You can finish that sentence because the worst outcomes were all possible.

Today, life isn't perfect. Recovery isn't linear. But do calories and numbers pollute my brain? No. Am I constantly obsessing about what I should eat? No. Am I always constipated, trying to find ways to make myself go? No. Am I happy today? Yes. Do I have a healthier relationship with food? Most definitely. And do I feel better than I did when I was actively in my ED? YOU BET YOUR A*SS I DO. I'm grateful to be where I'm at today, compared to where I was then.

I hope you all stay safe. I hope if you have the urge to get help, even if that urge is the size of a mustard seed, you take it and you RUN WITH IT. You RUN to get HELP. Because you are worth it. Your body deserves it. YOU deserve it. And because NOBODY in your life today, wants to pick out the black outfit they will need to wear for your FUNERAL. Especially not anytime soon.

So please. Stay safe. Don't cut calories too fast. Drink your water. Take your meds. Eat protein. Eat fiber. And remember, the average person needs to eat around 2000 calories a day. Anything less than that amount, is cutting calories. Is eating less than your body needs. So don't do anything too drastic. But please always remember this if not anything else, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY & BEAUTIFUL LIFE.

And if no one has told you this today, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, KIND, SMART, & MOST OF ALL YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WANTED. I love you🖤

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

a little warning for the girls 📌

if you're a part of the 3dblr community in any way and your blog is filled with posts about mental illness, thinspo and the like, be VERY WARY of non-3dblr accs who start sending you messages like "oh I love your aesthetic" or "you have such great taste" because 9 out of 10 times the conversation will turn to "are any of those your own photos?" and "I wonder if you look like your aesthetic" and suggestions and even requests for your own pictures.

there are MANY PREDATORS who lurk around 3d tags on Tumblr to prey on minors and on mentally fragile girls to try and get them to expose themselves. DON'T FALL FOR IT. if you start to get this type of message or if anyone here makes you uncomfortable asking you to share more than what you already share on your feed, don't send them your pics, block them and let the others know.

stay safe out here 🤍

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Reblogging for... That's my secret😉

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Now just hand it over, then take it the fuck back & you got BPD BRAIN - I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU PUSH YOU AWAY THEN PULL YOU BACK ASKING YOU TO STAY💔❤️‍🩹

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

HOT TIP FOR:

Starbucks Lovers☕

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When you are ordering your drink and you're thinking about how many pumps of syrup, yes sugar-free = 0kcal. Please know that for sugar syrups, each pump is ¼ of the calories per serving.

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

1 pump ≠ 80kcal

1 pump = 20kcal

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HOW!? Because the pump that Starbucks uses pushes out .5 Tbsp per pump. Serving Size = 2 Tbsp🥄🥄

💧🥤🧊💧🥤🧊💧🥤🧊💧

Stay Safe & Please Don't Forget To Take Your Damn Meds, Take Your Fucking Vitamins, & Drink Lots of Goddamn Water You Anxious, Dizzy, Dehydrated Fuck🩵

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Self Aware Sabotage

Being in therapy for as long as I have been(since 2nd grade), has provided me with the knowledge, skills, and abilities equivalent to a college education. I'm also quite competent at psychoanalysis. I know what I do, why I do it, and what causes it. But I still can't change.

And seeing as how most therapists don't have any other skills or abilities besides psychoanalysis, I'm left with nothing but my ass in my hands as I'm told, "Well, it's gonna be a shit show and I can't help you with any of it. Not even the clean up. So uh, be careful & good luck!"

On the upside, if you need someone to psychoanalyze you, I'm your girl! (Please note I am not a professional & I am not offering professional help! Just offering an ear that could help shed some light if I'm asked to do so. Otherwise, I'm just a listening ear🫶🏻)

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Just reblogging my own poem cause like yeah we still feel the same

my demons desire

this is a daily fight

this is a daily struggle

looking at the scale

my head tells me I look double

numbers keep flooding

taking over my brain

calories and pounds

I’m going insane

the chaos is familiar

walking through fire

the price I’ll pay

for my inner desire

screaming I’m not enough

that there is too much of me

I’m losing control

I want to feel free

scared of the unknown

scared to gain weight

I wont listen to reason

this is not up for debate

I gave up the drugs

left my old life

letting go of this

will be my demise

all of the pain

I’ve suffered through

plays again & again

I take it out on food

I start to binge

then I need to restrict

there’s no in between

this ED is such a bitch

If I’m being honest

I dont want to recover

staying sick I do best

just another storm to weather

part of me wants it to stop

to shut up the voices

get better, stay sick

are the only choices

food was my best friend

food is my enemy

eat to find comfort

starve to combat misery

I don’t know what to do

I feel so lost

staying sick feels good

so I’ll have to pay the cost

᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽᯽

~ the daily fight in my head ~

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

The Mentally Ill Blogger

Have y'all ever listened to other people talk about being a blogger?

Then get really into what they're saying about how "you can do it too" - you get so amped and pumped.

Then sit there and question "what in the hell would I write or 'blog' about..?"

Only to fucking realize:

you've been blogging for years..

BUT..

it's your syck anam1a blog??

And you just like... idk... d1e a little bit on the inside??

No..?

Just me?

Okay...

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

I LOST 10LBS YALL✨

Wow okay that just made my day. I was so scared to get on the scale today but I sucked it up and did it. Nothing prepared me to see I was down nearly 10lbs since my first initial weigh in!! And the amount of calories my body burns while resting went up by about 300 kcal. I can't even describe how happy I am. I've got so much farther to go but I'm seeing progress & that makes me happy 😁

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Fuck Intrusive Thoughts Bro

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I was so fucking happy when I saw that I lost 2 lbs!! And then I sat there for a moment and this fucking thought just pushed its way into my brain.. "wow a whole 2 mthrfuckin lbs.. woopie fucking fat-do for you"..

Like who even asked you brain?? Cause I know I fucking didn't ask the peanut gallery to give their unwelcomed opinion

I literally hate intrusive thoughts so damn much..😭😭😭

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

(My girlfriend wanted a post with bunnies.) To be clear: it’s also fine not to have sex, and compulsory sexuality is a problem too, but this post is a response to slut-shaming. For more like this, follow sexedplus or visit sexedplus.com.

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Where The Term Proana Came From

I think most people don’t understand know how it originated.

Back in the earlier day of the internet, a lot of anorexics and people with eds went on these early forums to discuss their issues. Some of these first forums would ban users if they said anything that wasn’t positive and recovery related. So the ed community made their own forums and called themselves proana meaning pro discussing their struggles and feelings while not in recovery. It was just ed people who werent ready to recover discussing how they felt.

Thats it. It doesn’t mean pro anorexia it means pro talking about not being in recovery. The end. It’s a shame people misunderstand it so much.

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Reblog for later ☺️

The important stuff

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

i just need to make it thru that first initial fast & then i'll be able to stay on track

as i sit in self loathing, i hear my stomach growls, and i remind myself that progress only happens, when I hear that sound.. "You hate your reflection" I hear ana whisper to me, "don't you want to feel better instead of living in pure agony?" inside my head, ana bides her time, knowing that soon enough, she'll be cleared of all her crimes. and when she finally walks free, and can sing her alluring song, she'll start to alter my reality, where everything right is made out of everything wrong

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

TAKE ME BACK TO THIS TIME!!

I just really wanna get back to looking like THIS!!! LIKE WTF THIS IS FUCKING ME SO HOW IN FUCKS NAME DO I GET BACK TO LOOKING LIKE THIS?!?! Y'all I really need an ana buddy forreal... Help with inspiration, motivation, helpful tips, let's me vent, keeps me accountable, listens to the fucked shit I say & is supportive.. cause I'm dying to be this thin again... And this was a time where I BARELY TRIED CAUSE OF THE D®️UG$..

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

One of my main fucking anthems.. I will literally play this shit on repeat for hours🖤🖤