javailus

[javailus]

𝒂𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒐

07/22/2023, 8:33 PM

a borderline's list

my parents say i have a "list"

of people i don't talk to anymore

a list, i guess, is just the gist;

these people are those who have hurt me before

the first, a monotheist,

hateful in the name of god

the second, a sadist,

personality, just a façade

the third, a recidivist,

hands demand from you control

the fourth, an altruist,

guilt swallows me whole

the fifth, a diatribist,

words senselessly vile

the sixth, a chauvinist,

still somehow hides the guile

the seventh, an opportunist,

to the crowd you're in the wrong

the eighth, an apologist,

sings the tune of an abuser's song

the ninth, a pacifist,

pretends you're a friend

the tenth, an egoist,

did he pick you in the end?

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂

[javailus]

𝒔𝒂𝒇𝒆

it's over, i'm safe.

gold reflects warmly against the ripples.

distract me from the strafe.

guard me from the fear that cripples.

it's here, it found me.

the sky starts to darken,

i'm useless now; i can't see.

the thunder I refuse to hearken.

take me away from what i feel.

take me somewhere i can sleep.

this would give me time to heal,

i beg you to let me count the sheep.

i'll fall into a land of peace

where i won't feel this weight,

the tension in my shoulders cease.

leave the walls which alienate.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒔)

[author’s note: when i was 14, my therapist used EMDR therapy to help me find a safe place for when i’d get panic attacks at school because of trauma from bullying. at this point i had severe social anxiety and the kids that bullied me just walking past would cause panic attacks.

in this poem i’m describing the safe place i created. it was at a pond in my grandfather’s pasture, specifically during the golden hour.

side note: i excluded the end (which is on wattpad) because i feel that i don’t relate to it anymore and it doesn’t feel right to leave in on here.]

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝙎𝘼𝙁𝙀 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/43NqABe

[javailus]

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚: graphic descriptions, suicide, death of a loved one, grief, gun violence

𝒚𝒂'𝒂𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒆

07/18/2021, 1:18 am

5:45 am. 9mm. right temple.

a lump in my throat the size of the hole in his head.

death is so permanent.

i keep thinking i have another alternative,

a plan b;

i'll be able to talk to him again.

i just have to wait until this is all over.

i'll text him and he'll text back and everything will be as it was.

but no, never again.

never, ever again.

i need to get it in my head,

soak it into my pores,

absorb it into my bloodstream.

he is not coming back.

he is not coming back.

i will forget his voice.

his clothes will lose his smell.

i will forget how he looked standing in front of me.

i will no longer be able to replay the sound of his laugh in my head.

i won't be able to show him my favorite songs,

or tell him i got employee of the month twice in a row.

he will never see me go through cosmetology school.

he won't ever watch that show i wanted him to watch because it reminded me of him.

he won't see why it's my comfort show.

i can't scream at him.

tell him what i've had to do,

what i've seen,

what i've found out about people.

i have to be scared now.

i don't have my dad to protect me.

i don't have him as a crutch to lean on.

it is just me now.

i have to be my dad again.

i don't know how many times i've cried and wished i wouldn't be like my dad.

here we are. here i am.

i carry his ashes around my neck and his burdens on my shoulders and i am only 20 years old.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝙔𝘼'𝘼𝘽𝙐𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙀 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/44cx50C

[javailus]

𝒂𝒍𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒕

07/06/21, 9:58 am

i feel like i'm about to explode.

i'm not talking about how i used to use that saying,

like i'm a pot of already-boiling water about to spill over;

so filled with emotions that my body hurt and my heart felt like it would rage until it stopped.

no, now i feel like the type of calm that must've come before jupiter's 300 year old storm,

red and raging and never ending.

or maybe i'm just jupiter itself.

multitudes of angry storms

& no foundation to stand on,

all while spinning on its axis faster than any of its peers.

i feel like there are so many storms inside of me and they're all angry.

my inner child, always hugging legs and throwing tantrums before people can leave.

my protector, ready to defend with everything i have at even the slightest hint of malice.

the 16 year old frozen in time inside of me, angry at all of the people who hurt me and ready to cut anyone off before they can do the same thing.

and me, composed of everything i've ever gone through along with all of the past versions of me that got stuck and can't leave.

i'm only 20 and i feel like i have 60+ years of pain packed inside this small body of mine.

i feel like i will hurt

and hurt

and hurt

my entire life, while also trying to heal

and heal

and heal.

and it will never end for as long as i live.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝘼𝙇𝘼𝙈𝙊𝙍𝙏 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/3X3eeSW

[javailus]

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚: suicide of a loved one, intense grief

𝒈𝒊𝒃𝒆𝒍 гибель // 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒖𝒆

07/01/2021, 10:26 am

so this is grief...

first the world stopped and felt far away.

i couldn't see through my blurred vision when i dialed the number to ask what happened.

i didn't cry until she told me what led up to it.

they don't tell you that even if you didn't see it happen,

you imagine it over and over and over again

and if you don't know how it happened

you go through all of the possibilities in vivid rewinds through your mind's eye,

and the visions don't stop.

they don't tell you that the moment the news left whoever was burdened with telling you's mouth will be vivid in your mind forever.

they don't tell you that your loved ones' screams and cries will replay in your head and you'll never forget.

my body shakes with the energy of unshed emotions i can't reach.

the rain no longer feels like a gift.

it feels like the earth is crying because i can't.

lights are too bright not because of my migraines anymore;

they're too bright because the absence of my dad is a void that should be swallowing the lights and the sun itself,

but the world goes on after death

and the buzzing lights and brazen sun keep shining

despite how i feel,

despite how i want them to go away;

despite how grief is a cold, deep darkness.

grief is also anger.

i tell myself it's okay to be angry.

i know he would too.

i said he was an idiot,

that i hated him.

i don't,

but my anger is so palpable i don't know what to think.

anger leads to blame.

why was he allowed to have access to such a thing?

why didn't i tell him i loved him that night?

if i just said i loved him he wouldn't be gone.

grief is why.

why.

why.

why.

why would you do this to me?

why didn't you think about our future?

why didn't you think about

my sister graduating,

walking me down the aisle,

your 11 year old son?

two days later i sat in the back of my car at 2:00 in the morning on a random street sobbing,

why would you do this to me?

why.

why.

why.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒎𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒉𝒚'𝒔 𝒍𝒂𝒘)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝙂𝙄𝘽𝙀𝙇 гибель // 𝙋𝙍𝙊𝙇𝙊𝙂𝙐𝙀 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/3P5yIZa

[javailus]

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚: suicidal ideation/attempts

𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒍𝒖𝒓𝒆

her voice hadn't cracked. not as she described to me how she was going to commit suicide in detail or how her parents were disappointed in her, nor did she show any remorse for trying to kill herself just hours ago; it hadn't cracked until she told me that she just felt lonely.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (entry from 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒎𝒃)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

𝒏𝒆𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒆

jokingly, you yelled "get out of my life," so i laughed and said "okay," walking into oncoming traffic, completely careless. you quickly grabbed my backpack and pulled me out of the road, into a hug. you seemed concerned and told me you loved me so much. that meant a lot to me, and you have no idea.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (entry from 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒎𝒃)

author's note: love bomb is more about the process of my deteriorating mental health in an emotionally abusive relationship than it is about gut-wrenching poetry. it’s more like diary entries i posted at the time and now use as a warning for what it looks and feels like to go through that. this entry in particular was more of an indication of my state of being than anything else. my ever-growing suicidal ideations, my below-the-bar standards, the fact that i put someone who did absolutely nothing on a pedestal, et cetera. it’s better to read it all in one go, so if you would like to do so i suggest going to my website or wattpad below.

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

““I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares.” - Saul Bass”

—

[javailus]

❝ when you took off looking for love, love took off looking for you. ❞

this was a quote 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 speaking about god, but i like to use it as my own interpretation of what could've been before i was in an abusive relationship. people notice and care more than you think; a lot of people are just afraid of saying something.

(excerpt from 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒎𝒃)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

𝒌𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒔

05/17/2020, 9:05 pm

i keep going back in time to get some perspective on how i only knew and felt so much for three years;

how i didn't feel my anger until now

or how the only thing i've truly felt above all else the past three years was betrayal and heartbreak.

even when i was a skeletal zombie of my old self and my heart had a permanent resting place in my throat, i didn't feel this sharp pain in my chest or get drunk to the point of forgetting myself.

everything i went through has become more real every day since it happened.

i say i want to heal but when my brain tries to feel all of the hurt again, i tell it to fuck off and fall back into the numbness of sleep or vodka.

my brain tries to heal me, too, but when i start to panic it makes me crawl into myself and flips the autopilot switch, so i sit in a chair behind my eyes and watch my shell do the motions.

throughout it all, people have come to me asking how to deal. the truth is, i never did.

i knew how to distract myself, i knew how to defend myself, and i knew how to get myself out; but after bursting through the doors of abuse and manipulation, i was stripped to the bone, standing in a blank room with no instruction on how to truly grow my skin again.

the only thing i have to show you of my trauma are metaphorical scars and bad poems, but the difference will be apparent one day. i will win.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒌𝒊)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝙆𝘼𝙄𝙍𝙊𝙎𝘾𝙇𝙀𝙍𝙊𝙎𝙄𝙎 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/3P3umle

[javailus]

𝒏𝒐𝒅𝒖𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒔

05/12/2020, 2:00 am

people have spent years telling me they'd get me out of my shell,

but no one succeeded.

they did all the wrong things;

they were nice to me.

turns out all you had to do was make me love you, and then traumatize me.

turns out that trauma makes people realize their worth.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒌𝒊)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓

05/12/2020, 1:32 am

i don't think anyone sees.

i don't think anyone really sees through the blinds i put over my window of destructive self-image and angst,

but i also don't think they want to.

even if i screamed it in their face how i still can't breathe through the current of terrible things the first person i ever loved said to me,

or how i've always crumpled under the weight of words and how i'm still angry at the image of middle school girls mocking me that sometimes still makes me white-knuckle the steering wheel,

still, no one would ask if i was okay.

i could tell them how i've spent every single day since i was 16 repeating the names of people i loved who hurt me until i fall asleep,

and that even sleep can't keep away the nightmares.

if they looked at me through an x-ray and saw the butterflies i ate that kept me from eating anything but the lies i was fed,

or the beating of my heart in my throat every time i think he's around again,

they still wouldn't care.

so i think it's time to stop looking for someone to run to

and curl up into myself as much as I can.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒌𝒊)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

“At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”

— Maya Angelou

[javailus]

i will forever be the hurting child, the angry teenager and the lonely adult.

[javailus]

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒇𝒖𝒔𝒆

i'm curled up on the sidewalk. an explosion, white hot searing pain, and deafeningly loud; a force so strong I was sent flying backwards. it wasn't a physical explosion, but it had all the aspects of one. words dripping with venom burned my skin. just the yelling itself hammered into my ears and made my existence that of a mouse. anger was thrown at me so hard it knocked me backwards. the feeling in my stomach forced tears out of my eyes, and i didn't fight it.

i finally fought the lion, whose teeth gnawed on our bones longer than i was alive. all of my pent up anger broke the dam. with my accusations came consequences; consequences with a force equivalent to an explosion.

the sidewalk cools my burning skin. the cool night air soothes my mind like a mother nurturing a child. the rich blue of the sky is like a ceiling of a house safer than i've ever had. it's so calming, i feel as if i'm not physically here, but that i'm engrossed in a painting.

i know at one point this peacefulness will be over; that i may never have this again. i will have to go back to my house with the short fuse and the extinguisher. i will have to place my words carefully with a steady hand, or savor the mood. i will then worry again, but now is not the time.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (prose from 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒔)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

[javailus]

𝒕𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒔𝒄𝒆

i am a book with pages that fight the wind.

i have adrenaline for blood,

a race car for a heart,

and a mind full of dread and worry.

my spine is a rose stem,

spikes and all.

my arms are vines,

and my legs are roots.

i am fueled by opinions,

dragged by love,

and beaten by criticism.

my scars are stories,

my bruises, like flowers,

asking for attention.

my voice is silence,

soft as velvet.

my gaze is curiosity,

anger,

or admiration.

my hurt is quiet,

avoidance,

and betrayal.

vivat q vi fecit.

- 𝒋𝒂𝒗𝒂 (poem from 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒔)

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦:

https://javailus.wixsite.com/javapoetry

𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/-java-

𝗩𝗢𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝙏𝙀𝙈𝙀𝙏 𝙉𝙊𝙎𝘾𝙀 𝗢𝗡 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗣𝗔𝗗:

https://w.tt/3NhKM8E

[javailus]

bpd is not just bursting out in anger because you can’t control your emotions, it’s complaining, crying in front of your lover because of all the things that hurt you and the things you expect from him and later feeling guilty, hating yourself so much that you’re thinking you don’t even have the right to complain and the only thing you deserve is to be treated like shit