what a shame
Pairing: Regulus Black x James PotterÂ
Rating: MatureÂ
Length: 2.4K wordsÂ
This is a songfic inspired by the song what a shame by Lizzy McAlpine :)Â
Read on AO3
All Regulus can focus on is Jamesâs bowed head, dark bar falling into his eyes, chest pressed against the bar in front of him. The soft slope of his nose and the gentle curve of his jaw. He licks his lips and Regulus tastes honey in the back of his throat.Â
His breath is frozen in his chest. He canât remember how many times heâs hoped for this. Longed for James to come back to him, even as a shadow, even as a dream.Â
James pulls his beer closer to him. Regulus watches as his lips part gently over the top of the bottle and he tips his head back closing his eyes tight.Â
Itâs a sucker punch to the stomach. James. Here. Because Regulus knows that James could have loved him if he let himself. If he could just get past his mistakes, if he could just get past âÂ
âExcuse me,â Someone grunts behind him and Regulus spins on them in an instant, hand reaching frantically for his wand.Â
âSorry lad, youâre in the doorway,â The man says gently brushing past him into the bar.Â
Regulus feels a lump bloom in his throat. This is what the war has made him into. He is a weapon and he is so so tired. He wants someone to tell him what to do. To tell him how to stop the fighting and the deaths and the never ending blood pooling in his palms.Â
James leans forward in his seat. Regulus watches the muscles in his shoulders clench and release under the thin fabric of his dark blue shirt.Â
He canât decide if he should stay or if he should go. His hands start to sweat. Itâs hard to breathe against the iron pressure of his ribs.Â
He should go.Â
But then James turns his head and Regulusâs heart jolts in his chest like heâs just been electrocuted.Â
âRegulus,â James says quietly. His voice comes out cracked and an octave too deep. He swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing gently under the fragile skin of his neck. His eyes dart around frantically, looking anywhere but Regulusâs face.Â
âJames,â Regulus breathes back. He doesnât believe in god but the name feels like a prayer on his lips.Â
James doesnât respond. He sits now with his back pressed to the bar, his eyes burn gold as they catch in the light.Â
âJames,â Regulus repeats, a little louder this time, âWhat ââ He pauses, taking a step forward, âAre you okay?âÂ
James still doesnât respond. He bows his shoulders, sinking into himself like he wishes he could disappear. He raises the beer for another sip and it shakes in his hand. Still his eyes donât leave Regulusâs body.Â
So Regulus moves forward again. This time he doesnât stop until heâs right in front of James.Â
James stares at him for a moment, frozen in position like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck, bracing for an inevitable crash, before shakily leaning back against the wooden bar and glancing up to meet Regulusâs eyes with his own.Â
Regulus canât look away from him. James is watching him searchingly, wonder in his warm eyes, beautiful, even red rimmed and desperate.Â
Regulus wants to take him home. He wants to grab Jameâs face and press their lips together so gently that James will forget his own name, will forget the war, will forget every time heâs pulled his hand away from Regulusâs empty palm.Â
He wants to take him to bed. He wants James so bad he bites down on his tongue until he tastes metal. He wants to crawl inside his body and pry his way under his ribcage, fingers cradling his heart. He wants to hear it beat against him forever. Safe.Â
Regulus wants to touch him so bad his hands shake.Â
Instead he shifts slightly to the left and slides onto the barstool beside James and shoves his hands deep into his pockets to stop himself from doing something he might regret.Â
He orders his drink on autopilot. Every atom in his body is focused on the man beside him. He hadnât noticed before but James still smells the same, like cedar and smoke and too many memories.Â
âRegulus,â This time James says his name sweeter, warmer, like something Regulus wants to take a bite out of, âItâs really you.âÂ
âIt is,â Regulus says softly, taking a large sip from his glass. Whisky burns warm down his throat.Â
âAre you okay?â He repeats his question.Â
James shakes his head and swallows hard looking down at his palms. He squeezes his eyes shut and when he opens again there are tears clinging to his lashes.Â
âFuck,â He exhales roughly. Regulus tracks the movement of his hand as it reaches up to wipe them away.Â
âIs there anything I can do?â Regulus asks not quite gently but something close. Gentle-adjacent which Regulus hopes James will understand to mean that he can see him struggling but can tell it might hurt even more to talk about it.Â
When James stays quiet Regulus reaches out rubbing a hand in soft circles over his back.Â
âIâm here,â He says carefully. Two words, a million mirrors of their past. All the times he found James crouched in dark corridors, tears wet on his face, âAt least for now.âÂ
And then suddenly in the next breath, James is sobbing. Great, heaving sobs that wrack his entire body. The scary part is they're nearly silent. All Regulus can hear is his ragged breath, against the distant murmur of the pub around them.Â
âItâs okay,â Regulus says softly, âThis is okay.âÂ
And James leans into him, turns his face to the exposed skin of Regulusâs neck and gives in to his tears.Â
Regulus canât take his mind off of him. He focuses on the contour of his body, the press of his elbow and his hip. The softness of his shoulders. The dip of his waist. He doesnât know what he did to deserve this. James here, touching him, one last time.Â
âI canât do it,â James murmurs against his skin. The brush of his lips feels electric.Â
âWhat canât you do?â Regulus whispers into his soft curls.Â
âAny of it,â Jamesâs voice cracks, âItâs too hard and everyone is dying and when I look around I canât see anything but blood.âÂ
His words cut straight to Regulusâs core. He holds James close, rocking him slowly.Â
âI canât stop it,â James says breath hitching when he tries to get words out, âI canât â Iâm not good ââÂ
âBeing good isnât easy, you know,â Regulus says delicately, âThatâs not what good is.âÂ
He thinks about the locket, about the cave waiting for him. An ache builds in the back of his throat
âIt just doesnât feel right,â James pulls away a bit looking up at him. His lip trembles and Regulus watches as he blinks new, hot tears, âThis isnât how it was supposed to be.âÂ
âYeah,â Regulus admits, voice heavy.Â
They sit in silence. Regulus feels James' body heat against him down to his bone marrow. He lets out a hot sigh against his neck and it gives Regulus goosebumps. He stares at the floor and tries desperately to reel back the roiling ache that has begun to crest in his chest.Â
âIââ He starts, coughing to cover the crack in his voice, âI shouldnât tell you this.âÂ
âWhat?â James asks, voice all sorrow and depth, so much so that it sends a spark right through Regulusâs core.Â
âIâm going to do something,â Regulus pauses, trying to focus over the rabid beat of his heart, âTo fix this. To change the war.âÂ
James looks up at him, his eyes wide and frantic. Regulusâs throat feels like it might close up. He takes a deep breath trying to focus on the way his ribcage expands against Jamesâs body.Â
âI canât say any more,â Regulus tells him, âI just wanted ââÂ
But James doesnât let him finish. Instead he wraps a warm palm around the back of Regulusâs neck and pulls him down.Â
It happens because it has to. At least, that's the way it feels â like when Regulus walked into the pub tonight heâd started something inevitable, something so powerful thereâs no point in fighting it. When James kisses him Regulusâs lips are already parted.Â
They kiss soft and gentle. As if they have all the time in the world. All open mouths and tongues sliding together, the bitter taste of whiskey and Regulus sliding his eyes shut as Jamesâs fingers stretch up tugging at his curls.Â
James pulls away first.Â
Regulus tracks his gaze over his face, pupils blown sky-wide, lips parted. Thereâs something in Jamesâs brown eyes that sticks somewhere deep inside of him.Â
Without speaking James reaches out and grasps Regulusâs hand in his. Before Regulus can sort through his racing thoughts James is pulling him up, tugging him out the back door of the pub, into the alleyway.Â
James just kissed him, he thinks numbly, stumbling on the cobblestones. James just kissed him.Â
Suddenly James stops walking and Regulus bumps into him. James turns to face him and then theyâre standing only a few inches apart. Regulus watches as Jamesâs chest heaves, as he sucks the cold air through his full lips.
They donât talk. Instead, their bodies move in again, like theyâre pulled by magnets. Regulus keeps his eyes open this time, watches the reflection of the lamplight in James' dark irises.Â
He has tears in his eyes, Regulus thinks. He has lighting in his palms.Â
This time when James kisses him it feels like theyâre on the edge of a cliff, with a strong wind blowing, each gust pushing them closer to the edge.Â
Regulus lets James push his hands up and under his coat, against his back. His fingers are cold and he gasps as they dip once, twice below the band of his pants, sending sparks through his body. James shifts, pulling Regulus forward until heâs leaning back against the brick wall with Regulus flush against him, until Regulus has one thigh between Jamesâ legs.Â
James moans softly as he presses closer so Regulus kisses down his throat sucking hard below his jaw. Jamesâ fingers tighten in his hair and his other hand comes to Regulus's neck. His thumb brushing over Regulusâs collarbones, over his windpipe. Regulus groans, pressing in harder, his mind a scrambled pool of half formed thoughts. He wants everything james will give him, he wants, he want, he wants âÂ
Before he knows it heâs on his knees. The cobblestone presses sharp into his kneecaps hard enough to leave bruisesÂ
âLook at me,â Jamesâ voice is low, a strain on his words. He tangles his hands through Regulusâs curls and tugs his head back sharply.Â
Regulus lets out a gasp as James towers over him. The sight of him is fathomless, all consuming. He tracks his eyes over Jamesâ flushed cheeks and dark eyes and he canât wait to make him fall apart.Â
Regulus moves his hands forward cupping James hips. A breath punches out of Jamesâ chest in a ragged gasp and he presses forward letting Regulusâ lips ghost over the rough fabric of his pants. Swiftly Reaches up, fumbling for a second with the clasp of Jamesâ muggle jeans.Â
Regulus canât think, heâs lost in Jamesâ smell, in the taste of his lips, in the sharp edges of his fingertips as they dig into his scalp. Finally Regulus gets the clasp open and pulls the fabric away to press a kiss to Jamesâs delicate tan skin.Â
Heâs licking a strip across Jamesâs abdomen when he pushes him away.Â
Heâs breathing like heâs run a mile. His hair curling over his forehead and Regulus feels his body twitch with the urge to get up and brush it back out of his face. James stares at him and Regulus feels shaky, sick to his stomach, uncertain in a way he hasnât felt since he first walked in and saw James sitting at the bar.Â
âFuck,â James says roughly, hitting the wall behind him with his fist.Â
Regulus wants to say something. He wants to tell him â what? To come back? That he wonât tell anyone? It doesnât matter. Nothing matters because heâs on his knees in an alleyway and James Potter is pushing him away.Â
James looks at the ground, his hands loose at his sides, his jaw tight.Â
Right, Regulus has the sudden urge to laugh hysterically. How could he have thought this would end any other way? This is how it goes. This is how it has always been. He pushes himself to his feet and they stand across from each other in silence.Â
âIâm sorry,â Jamesâ voice shakes, âFuck, Reggie. Iâm so so sorry.âÂ
Regulus takes one deep breath, then another. He swallows the lump in his throat.Â
âI â,â James breaks off, a tear spills from his eyes and tracks down his cheek, âI want this, I want you. But I canât ââ his voice breaks, âI canât do this. Itâs too late. Itâs too late and I wish it wasnât.âÂ
âItâs okay,â Regulus says, and he hates himself. Hates himself for letting this happen. Hates himself for telling James Potter that itâs okay that heâs breaking his heart.Â
âItâs not,â James says, âItâs not, and you donât deserve this. Iâm no good Reggie. I canât do anything right ââ He sags back against the brick wall as he dissolves into tears.Â
âI get it,â Regulus steps back. His whole body feels numb.Â
âYou donât,â Jamesâs voice is wrecked, husky with sorrow at every syllable, âRegulus, Lilyâs pregnant,â He pauses, wiping tears from his cheek, âItâs mine.âÂ
Regulus flinches back, his eyes blown wide, he doesnât bother to conceal the shock on his face.Â
âWhat the fuck James. That would have been a good thing to know half an hour ago,â He spits, his stomach a writhing pit of anger and sorrow. âAre you with her?âÂ
âI donât know,â James murmurs, not making eye contact, âItâs complicated.â His voice is faint, small in a way that Regulus has never heard before.Â
âJames. Fuck. You never should have touched me.â Regulus is seconds away from breaking down; he can feel the tears build behind his eyes.Â
âI know,â Jamesâ tone is pleading now, âIâm sorry Reggie. I canât tell you how sorry I am.âÂ
Regulus doesnât know what to say. He watches in silence as James pushes himself up off the wall.Â
âIâm sorry,â James repeats brokenly, âIâll go.âÂ
Regulus almost stops him. Almost.Â
Instead, he watches James walk slowly down the alley, his shoulders hunched, his silhouette fragile against the bright street lamps.Â
All the almostâs theyâve ever had shimmer in the air between them.Â
Regulus wants to remember, wants to forget all at the same time.Â
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