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megamindsecretlair · 10 months

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Be My Little Darling - Chapter 10

Chapter 9 Chapter 11

Pairing: Loki x Black!Fem!reader / Plus Size reader

Warnings: 18+. Minors DNI. You are in charge of your own reading experience. Some smut. ANGST. PIV, dirty talk, use of magic, and heavy mentions of survivor's guilt, negative self-talk, violence. Brief mention of suicidal ideation in a joking manner (It's never funny, please seek help), Soft Loki, bit of fluff and cute domestic things.

Summary: Loki is the exclusive owner of the hottest club in New Asgard. Dubbed the Nine Realms, each of the nine rooms represent a different realm. You are his second in command, working the floors and ensuring everyone is having fun. Loki is nothing if not a man on a mission to not only win your heart but also make some headway about this saboteur.

Word Count: 4,789k

Masterlist

A/N: I miss the Loki show already! I missed you lovelies! Something about this man just eats me alive. I can't believe we're halfway there to the end! Thank you so much for continuing to ride for this series! Likes are always awesome. Please consider commenting and reblogging to help support writers! I block ageless blogs!

Taglist: @cantstayawaycani @braverthanthenewworld @monaeesstuff @chaos-4baby @dayjlovesromance @soft-persephone @mybonafidefeelings @nerdieforpedro @browngirldominion

“Are you alright, Darling?”

He knew fuck well you were not alright. True to his word, there was plenty more to come. Loki had stamina for days, waking you up periodically through the night so he could thrust back into you and deliver more orgasms.

You moaned as he laid you on your left side, facing a mirror you hadn’t known was there. It figured that he’d have a full length mirror right next to the bed, the vain prick.

He slipped back in and pressed his chest to your back. His face was near your ear so you heard every moan and sigh that escaped his beautiful mouth. “Look at us, Darling,” Loki moaned.

You opened your eyes and looked at the picture of you two. Loki was pressed into you, your right leg held up by his hand and pulled open for him to move inside of you. He had slowed his strokes so that they were deep and full. You felt every glide and every inch of him.

“Gods,” you moaned. Your pleasure had been driven to heights you only read about. He kept you in a perpetual state of bliss. You almost didn’t mind the lack of sleep. If you were being awakened for dick, could you really complain?

“Right here, Darling,” Loki said. He kissed your cheek and looked at your face in the mirror. You looked as well. You were thoroughly fucked out. Your hair was a mess, deep lines on your skin from the pillows and sheets. Your lips were swollen from all of his kisses. You were marked and claimed by him.

Your eyes traveled to him. His hair was all over the place, slicked back too many times in his desperate need to keep it from his face. You left deep, red welts on his shoulders and back from the times that he hit your G-spot and you were unprepared.

After each time, he whispered, “one more”, and you were unable to form a denial. You wanted to please him. You wanted that look on his face. The face he was making now. As if in between your thighs was the closest to Valhalla he’ll get for now.

The wet squelches from your combined fucking was still like sweet music to your ears. It drove your arousal higher, pushed you to sink onto his dick hungrily. Greedily. Your pleasure built in your belly, cresting higher and higher. You raced after it, pulling it within your grasp.

“Oh Loki, Loki,” you moaned as the wave moved over you. You moaned his name over and over as your body jerked and twisted.

Loki kissed your neck and cheek. He moaned your real name as he released himself inside of you for the hundredth time that night. Loki placed soft kisses to your shoulder and back as he softened and pulled himself out of you.

He dropped down onto the bed, out of breath and wrung out. You couldn’t move an inch. You panted and heaved as you looked at yourself post orgasm. You felt beautiful and sinful. You felt seen in ways you hadn’t for the past five years. He helped you do that. But it was still you.

The parts of you that you hid deep down inside were still there. You weren’t broken. It wasn’t too late to become that woman again. You smiled tiredly at your reflection. Earth may not be Asgard, but Asgard had always been its people. And you were still here.

A warm cloth between your legs made you yelp. You were incredibly sensitive. One more fucking round and you’d simply die. Loki chuckled and kissed you while he cleaned you up. He toyed with you, going extra slow around your clit. You groaned.

“No more, please,” you begged.

Loki chuckled again and kissed your cheek. “I had five years to make up for, Darling,” he said.

“Liar. You didn’t start the club until a year after we arrived,” you said.

“And I wanted you before even then,” he said.

That did give you enough strength to roll over and face him. He faced you, head resting on his elbow, as he looked you in the eyes.

“Bullshit,” you said.

“All these years and you still don’t think I’m capable of the truth,” he said and shook his head. His finger idly traced patterns across your belly and thighs. You watched him closely to make sure he wasn’t trying to get you going again. Seriously, you couldn’t.

“You’re capable when it suits you,” you said.

“And it suits me now. You were in town, shopping, and I was securing my permits. I left the building and you were across the street, talking to the baker. You wore…a blue dress. Sandals. Hair pulled up and I thought you were the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen,” he said.

You stared at him. You thought back to the dozens of times you went to the baker. He was Asgardian and made the pastries you liked. You were working a dead end job you hated, wishing for something more. The pastries were a luxury you really couldn’t afford but you couldn’t resist.

“You remember that?” You asked. You usually had more situational awareness. Loki held a presence unlike any other. You’d be able to pick him out of a thousand clones. But you hadn’t realized he was on the street.

You assumed the princes were off doing…whatever princes did when there was no throne to rule from. Meetings, logistics, and the like.

“How could I not?” He asked. “I remembered that the only thing I wanted to do was talk to you. But you looked so sad. And the pastries brought you such comfort. I didn’t want to interrupt,” he said.

Now, you sat up and turned towards him. His hand moved down to your hip, still tracing patterns. “Since when do you care about interrupting?”

Loki smiled. “The way you speak about me, I’d think I was a monster,” he said with a cheeky wink.

You rolled your eyes. “You’re not getting free compliments, so stop,” you said.

He grinned. “I stood there and looked at you. When you left, the sadness returned. I figured we were all still recovering from Thanos, so the last thing you needed was a failed prince to bother you,” he said.

You narrowed your eyes at him. You rubbed your head. There was just…no way that he saw you when you hadn’t known he was there. It bordered on stalking the way you would yearn for any glimpse of him every time you got to attend a feast at the palace. The way you would crane your neck and watch, transfixed, as he strolled in with shorter hair and his brother.

He was always smiling, always grinning, always moving around without a care in the world. You used to pray to the gods that he’d look your way just once and see you. He never did of course. Too busy looking at Thor. Everyone always did.

“So when I came in for the job and you hired me on the spot?”

“I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to see you every day,” he said.

“Loki! Did I get it because I was qualified or you wanted some ass?” You asked. You smacked his shoulder. He moved back as if you put any real weight behind it. He grinned at you.

“Because you were qualified. I am a reputable business owner and wanting a chance at that sweet, sexy pussy of yours would be against policy,” he said. Straight face and everything.

You were probably going to have to see a doctor from all the squinting you were doing. This was insane. But…you chose to believe him. He could come up with a better lie than that. So…it had to be the truth. He did see you and wanted you way before you thought.

Heat pulsed through you and you sank down onto the bed, feeling giddy. This was so silly. It was like you had a crush all over again. But you probably never really grew out of it where he was concerned.

“Okay, I choose to believe you,” you said.

He leaned down and kissed your breast. “I’m glad,” he said.

“Don’t you start!” You said, moving away from him. He scooted closer.

“I seem to recall you agreeing that I could have you whenever and wherever?”

You were on the edge of the bed and there was no more room left to run. Loki crowded your personal space and kissed you, at his leisure, his hand back on your hip.

“That was the heat of the moment, can’t stand up in human court,” you murmured as he kissed along your jaw.

He nipped at your jaw and you hissed from the bite of pain. “Verbal contracts are still binding, Darling. You know that,” he said.

“Fine, twist my arm,” you said.

Loki grinned. “I will have mercy just this once. But make no mistake. I will make good on my promises,” he said.

“Threats more like it,” you said. You tried to give him a stern look. But he was so damn cute laying there with his dark hair, in his home that smelled uniquely like him. You were truly in trouble here.

“Is it still a threat if I threaten you with pleasure?” He asked.

“How are you still capable of moving? I want to sleep for a week,” you said. Even now as you spoke and moved, you were thoroughly sore. The places that he gripped you were raw with his fingerprints. The places that he suckled and kissed you were patches of soreness. Your pussy still throbbed from all the pleasure wrung out of you. It was a miracle you were still awake.

“I have longed for this, Darling. I do not wish to see it end so soon,” he said. He didn’t look at you as he said it. Instead, his eyes were focused on caressing your hip.

“Hey,” you said. You nudged him until he dragged his eyes from your hip. “No more running. I want this and I want you,” you said.

Loki smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. This man really had no idea, did he? He could spin a thousand tales and you’d still want him. Crave him. Lo-like him. You bit your lip at that mental slip.

“What’s wrong?” Loki asked.

You kissed him instead of answering. You ran your tongue across his lips. He moaned as his hand clutched your hip. “Thought you were done?”

“Can’t I kiss you without it turning to more?” You asked.

“Never,” he said.

You rolled your eyes. Your stomach chose that moment to rumble. Loudly. You buried your face in his shoulder with a groan. He only laughed.

“I have been a poor host. I will make something for us,” he said. He kissed your head and ordered you to stay there while he left the room. You watched his ass as he moved about flawlessly. You couldn’t, you simply couldn’t, but damn if he didn’t make you want to hop back on his dick and ride him until sunrise.

You were almost asleep when he entered the room carrying a tray. On it, there was french toast, bacon, and eggs. “You didn’t have to make all of this!”

“Yes, I did,” he said. He placed the tray on the bed and you shared the meal, talking about nothing and everything. After, you relaxed against the bed and talked some more until you were both too tired to keep moving your jaws. If only you could communicate by mind.

You both climbed under the covers and you fell asleep in his warm embrace, content for the first time in ages.

In the morning, you slowly awoke to soft light coming through his curtains. Loki sighed and pulled you closer. You smiled and snuggled into him.

“Careful, Darling,” he said.

Holy hell, if you thought his voice was sexy before? His sleep-rough voice would melt your panties if he hadn’t torn them off of you. While you wanted to tease him, you also knew that you couldn’t follow through. So you settled down and kissed his arm around you.

“Good morning, Loki,” you said sweetly.

“Good morning, Darling,” he said with a soft chuckle. He kissed the back of your head.

“Oh no,” you said. Dread pooled in your gut as you thought about the new day and what it meant. What the hell were you going to tell your crew? You could hear Honey’s laughter now.

“What is it?” He asked.

“What are we going to tell everyone?” You asked.

“We can say however much you want or how little you want. But they will know you’re mine,” he said. He tightened his grip around your middle to emphasize his point. You rolled your eyes even though you squealed on the inside.

“Loki, be serious. What are you gonna do? Fuck me with the door open again?”

“If I please,” he said. You could hear the grin in his voice and you rolled your eyes again. He really was incorrigible.

“Loki…” You groaned. He didn’t understand. The rules for him were different from the rules for you. He was a god and could do damn well whatever he pleased. You on the other hand, people would only assume what you asked last night. Did you get the job on your knees or on your back?

“It matters not. We’re not going in today anyway,” Loki said.

You rolled over and he peeked at you. “We’re going to into town to speak with the King. She might know who we’re dealing with.”

“Why would she know?” You asked.

“I’ve been looking at the cards left behind by our saboteur. Only two, same card stock. Magically created. The King was the foremost expert in Asgardian security, she might shed some light.”

You lifted an eyebrow at him. “Nice to see you were resting while we sorted out the rooms,” you said.

He smiled and shrugged. “Seize the day. We could make a day of it,” he said.

“Loki, are you asking me on a date?” You asked.

“No. You’ll know when I’m asking you on a date. But I would like your company on this errand,” he said.

You sighed and rolled your eyes to the ceiling. He was so damn infuriating. And yet…

“How am I supposed to get home without any clothes?” You asked.

Loki grinned and pulled back the covers to look at your naked body. His blue eyes got wider, taking you all in. You squirmed beneath his perusal.

“Is it my fault you showed up without any clothes?”

“I wasn’t expecting you to rip them off of me,” you said.

“You offer me a present and I don’t get to unwrap it? That hardly seems fair,” he said. He pouted and you slapped his shoulder with a laugh.

“I’m being serious, Loki,” you said.

“As am I. Besides, can’t you conjure clothes?” Loki asked.

“What? No. I can only conjure weapons,” you said.

He looked at you and frowned. “Have you ever tried?”

You opened your mouth to tell him of course you had, but…well, shit, have you? You had an affinity for weapons and that was all you ever knew. It didn’t occur to you to try different constructs.

“I can’t remember,” you said.

“While we’re on about it, is that the only magic you know how to do? Are you more in-line with my power?”

You scooted closer and planted a kiss on his cheek. “No one can compare to the oh so powerful, oh so dreadful, the charming and devilishly handsome god, Loki,” you said. You peppered kisses in between your words and Loki’s face lit up with delight. You could get used to him like this. Happy and open and carefree. You really liked seeing this side of him.

“Flattery gets you everywhere, Darling. But I think we should make some time to see what you can do,” he said.

You shrugged. Why not?

“In the meantime…” Loki got out of bed and held his hand out to you. He pulled you into the bathroom where he pleaded for, “just one more”, and you couldn’t resist him. Afterwards, he conjured a brand new black suit for him and a black plaid dress for you, with green and gold lines intersecting. He even conjured you up some kick ass boots that gave you some height but still nowhere near him.

He looked over your outfit with a manic gleam in his eyes. “Down boy!”

He pouted as you left his place and walked towards your car. You offered to drive you into town and he refused. Something about being a proper host. Instead, he had his own car. A sleek truck that was too tall for you to climb into. He helped you into the passenger seat and then soon, you were on your way into town.

Once in town, he parked on the outskirts and you walked towards the main City building. People were bustling about doing their shopping. Tourists were in town sharing jokes and ales with the local Asgardians. It was…sweet to see everyone hanging out and talking and getting along. You missed this.

“Come along, Darling,” Loki said. He kept his hands in his pockets as you walked towards the City building. His shoulders hunched forward. Guess there will be no holding hands today. Was he the holding hands type? You weren’t sure. Why did you want to hold his hand anyway? It was stupid and childish.

You clenched your hands into fists and walked beside him. He held the door for you as you went inside. The atmosphere inside the building was homey and comfortable. A far cry from the glitz and glamor of the palace back home.

You looked towards Loki. Maybe that was his problem. Maybe he missed Asgard as much as everyone else. Except, he had no one to tell that to. He did so much shit trying to bring it down, embarrass Odin or Thor, or cause mischief. Maybe he thinks people won’t want to hear how he misses it.

Loki made a beeline towards the main hall. Inside, aides rushed to and fro as King Valkyrie sat at the head of the table. She looked positively miserable.

She was gorgeous as always. Flawless skin, locs twisted up in a lazy hairdo, and a smart suit to rival Loki’s black one. He made his look classy and debonaire. She made hers look painted on, effortless, and sexy.

She looked up as the brown uniform doors closed behind you. She smirked at you but her eyes turned icy towards Loki.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Her smooth voice called out.

Loki smiled and opened his arms. The picture of innocence. Right. Like cats are innocent.

“We have a dilemma that I was hoping you could help with,” Loki said.

“Is the club not keeping you busy enough as is?” King Valkyrie asked.

Gods, she was gorgeous. You were nervous as hell. On Asgard, you were lucky to attend a few feasts. You never would have gotten that close to the family, let alone Odin himself. To be this close to King Valkyrie was nerve wracking.

Loki produced the two cards with “Remember” and “Vengeance” written on it. The King stood up and took the cards from his hand. She turned them over and looked at Loki.

“What of it?” She asked.

“Do you recognize anything about it? Anything at all? There’s a…saboteur at the club,” Loki admitted.

The King walked around the open space, light from the windows hitting her coral skin. She studied the two cards as she moved around, humming to herself. “A saboteur? You say?” She asked.

She walked closer to you and looked at you. “What do you think?”

Your words died in your throat. You looked towards Loki who nodded. Like that fucking did anything. You took a deep breath. “Causing a lot of issues for us. It’s annoying. No one’s gotten hurt that much. But enchanting our customers, one of our performers’ legs went through the floor, and switched our rooms around,” you explained.

“Heavy magic involved. All to mess with…you,” the King turned towards Loki and pointed.

“We know that already. But why the cards? My enemies are usually more direct,” Loki said.

“Now that you mention it, I’ve heard some of the locals talk about legends around here. But those are just stories,” King Valkyrie said. She moved back towards the windows and looked at the cards.

“What kind of legends?” Loki asked.

“Just stories, I’m sure.”

Loki smiled and rolled his neck. “My King, I am very desperate to catch this person.”

King Valkyrie looked at you and made a surprised face. Yeah, you thought you’d drop dead before you heard those words from his lips. You supposed this was getting to Loki more than he let on. Once you had him to yourself again, you were going to make him talk to you. Keeping all this shit bottled up was going to eat him alive.

“Fine,” King Valkyrie said. She hopped onto the table and faced them. “There is a legend around here of a disfigured man who used to live up on the hill where the club now resides. The locals treated him as you would expect, horribly. They harassed the poor man until he went insane. They wouldn’t let him sleep. Kids would jangle chains outside his bedroom windows at night.”

As she spoke, you swore the clouds chose that exact moment to blot out the sun. The room turned a shade darker. Shadows played across King Valkyrie’s features. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say she had magic of her own.

“You haven’t heard the chains yet, have you?” She asked.

You and Loki looked at each other and then at her. You shook your heads at the same time.

“Good, that’s good. Well, you see, more bad things happened to this man until he vowed to take revenge on every living descendant who dared bother him. He prayed to the gods to make him as strong as Odin, as clever as Loki, and as bold as Thor,” she continued.

You stepped forward, engrossed in the story. That poor man. You couldn’t imagine being hounded like that. Your heart ached for him.

“I have no beef with a disfigured man from human history,” Loki said.

“Your club sits on his land. You mock him with your den of sin. His home. You flaunt your pretty boy looks and lure unsuspecting tourists to your club,” King Valkyrie said and shrugged. “Remember? Vengeance?” She waved the cards around.

Loki sighed and approached her, taking the cards out of her hands. “What’s the real story?”

King Valkyrie broke into laughter and clapped her hands. “How did you know?”

You gasped and looked towards the King. You quickly shut your mouth and made your face blank. You would not admit to anyone that you fell for her story. Hey, she was a freakin’ Valkyrie who told a good story. You’d believe her too.

“I am the God of Mischief,” Loki said. He tucked the cards into his coat pocket.

King Valkyrie sighed. “Fine. It’s so dreadfully boring here. For the cards, I am stumped, same as you. Never came across the like. You might want to speak to Heimdall,” King Valkyrie said.

Loki hissed and rolled his eyes. You raised an eyebrow at him in silent questioning.

“Loki thinks Heimdall is still pissed about slipping his gaze,” the King supplied.

“Why am I not surprised,” you muttered. Loki shrugged with a smirk. You had no idea what you were going to do with this man. You walked over to him, careful to keep your distance, and looked him in the eye.

“Are we not desperate? What can Heimdall do now?” You asked.

“Do not underestimate him,” Loki said.

Okay, you two definitely needed to sit down somewhere and discuss whatever the hell you’re missing there. You needed all of the gossip, like right now. You gave Loki a pointed look and he sighed.

“Fine, fine. Let’s go, Darling,” Loki said.

“Hey, come back and visit anytime. Bring a drink next time! Or a bloody sword to end my life,” King Valkyrie called after you.

You turned back and waved to the King and then felt incredibly stupid for doing so. You inwardly groaned. She’d never invite you back if you continued to do weird shit.

Loki stopped outside of the City building, frozen to the spot. You nudged him. He stared off into the distance, barely acknowledging your presence.

“Loki? What is it?” You asked.

Loki’s jaw clenched, continuing to stare off. You followed his line of sight, squinting into the sun. Some distance away, at a pub, Thor was pushed out of the doorway. He was laughing with someone, slapping the smaller man on the back. Each slap of his massive paw caused the man to bowl forward.

You hissed as you took in the state of your prince. He was chubby, wearing…checkered pajama pants that looked dirty and a sweat-stained sweatshirt. His once golden hair was now flaxen like wheat, thick beard unkempt and matted.

“Oh,” you sighed. You hadn’t thought…you had no idea…

You looked towards Loki. He stared at his brother across the way, guilt etched into his features. Again, you felt out of the loop but that was for another time. You wrapped your hand around Loki’s arm. You nudged him.

“Hey,” you said softly. Loki shook himself as if emerging from a trance. He smiled at you.

“Come, we’ll see Heimdall tomorrow,” he said. He put his head down and started walking forward. You stopped him and moved until you could look at his face.

“Don’t you want to say hi to your brother?” You asked.

“Stay out of it, Darling,” Loki said.

“But, he’s right there. Clearly hurting. How long has he been like this?” You asked.

“Leave it,” Loki said.

“But shouldn’t we help him? Has he talked to anyone–”

“I said, drop it, Darling! You’ve no idea what you’re talking about. None! He’s…fine. He’s grieving like the rest of us,” Loki snapped.

You took a step back from the vehemence in Loki’s sapphire eyes. “Darling–”

You lifted a hand. “I’ve tolerated a lot of shit from you, Loki. But you don’t ever speak to me like that.”

“I’m sorry–”

You lifted another hand. “I’ll find my own way home,” you said.

“Please,” he said. He called your name and you turned away from him. You will not let this man see more of your tears. You knew on a rational level that he was not mad at you. It wasn’t personal. But that was no excuse to talk to you like that. You were asking an innocent question.

You looked toward Thor once more. He had a bottle of ale in his hand and he was stumbling down the road. The town drunk. You won’t presume to know what happened there or why he was like this now. It’s not like you two were friends or that you had checked up on him these past five years.

You’d asked about him plenty of times, since Loki always seemed so down after going into town. You assumed that sometimes he saw his brother. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he spent these past five years hiding like everyone else. Trying to pick up the pieces left behind in Thanos’ wake.

What did you know? Besides, Loki needed to cool down and you did not want to be around him right now. You were liable to truly hurt his feelings. Your own anger simmered. One night of bliss and it turned into such a shit show.

You mentally kicked yourself. You knew sleeping with him was a mistake. Sex only ever complicated things and it was bullshit. Thinking with your pussy rather than your head. You kept your head down for five fucking years and threw it all away, for what? For one night of sexual gratification?

Ugh. You were disgusted with yourself. You crossed your arms and walked down the road. You were aware of Loki’s gaze on you but you refused to turn around. You didn’t want to deal with this shit. You didn’t ask for it. And you certainly didn’t ask to babysit Loki’s hangups.

You walked home more confused and angry than you knew what to do with. How could you face him now? How did you begin to fix this? Whatever the hell this was?

Masterlist | Chapter 9 | Chapter 11

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mustainegf · 2 months

Text

→ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟔

I woke up very early in the morning. Sunlight had filtered through the curtain to my bed, and it was stamping on my face to get me up. For some moments, I lay and enjoyed this rare experience of waking up fresh. Suddenly, I sat up, remembering James.

I felt a little sick, but by now I was accustomed to this type of morning nausea. It was a new friend, and I did my best to disregard it as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. It was the first time in forever that I didn't have the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion weighing on my shoulders.

Quietly, I moved around the house in search of James. When I finally came into the living room, the blanket on the couch was splayed out as though someone had slept in it, but James wasn't there.

I was beginning to feel uneasy, So I turned around to question myself where he must have gone. Walked down the hall, stopping and poking my head inside the rooms till I reached the last room which was the nursery. The door was half-open, so I pushed it to make my way.

There, in the center of the room, was James. He admired all the things for the baby that I had worked so hard to put in order. There was something different in his eyes from everything I had seen before, not just an interest, but purpose.

I stood there a second, my heart warming. It was a side of James that I hadn't seen in so long, a side that made me feel like we really could have a future together.

Finally, I cleared my throat and stepped into the room. "Good morning," I said softly.

James turned back around in almost total surprise. "Morning," he replied, determined not to let any hint of color rise in his skin. "I was just… looking."

I smiled, knowing he would like to hide his emotions. "It's okay, James."

He gave me a small smile and quickly stepped out of the room, changing the subject. "Are you hungry? I can make us some breakfast if you’d like."

I followed him into the kitchen and shook my head. "No, you should be resting. I'll make breakfast."

"Really, I'm fine," he insisted. "You're the one who needs to take it easy."

Our conversation was sweet but awkward, weighted by the real reason we hadn’t seen each other in so long. There was a lot to say, so much to work through, but neither of us was quite sure how to build between the gaps.

"No, James," I said, pushing him toward a chair gently. "You have been through enough. Let me take care of you."

He stopped for a moment, then sat down, his eyes on me as I moved around the kitchen. "Fine, but you better tell me if you need help."

I smiled my thanks at him. I began making breakfast. As I worked, my nausea resurfaced with a vengeance. I stopped, wincing, and starting taking deep breaths to fight off the sickness.

James noticed the change in me right away; his eyes were full of concern. "Honey, really, you should let me do that. You need to rest."

I was very stubborn, and as much as I loved when he called me honey, we weren’t together, it frustrated me.. "I'm fine. Really, I am. It's just morning sickness. I've learned to deal with it."

He frowned, not convinced. "You shouldn't have to do this alone."

I snapped slightly at him. "I’ve been alone for 4 months, James. I can make breakfast."

His expression tightened, and he arched back into the chair but kept his eyes on me.

We fell into an uncomfortable silence while I continued to prepare breakfast.

I set a plate in front of James, then sat opposite him, the nausea eased a little by small bites. We ate in silence.

After breakfast, James insisted on helping with the dishes, and this time I did not protest. We stood at the sink together, the silence between us incredibly uncomfortable.

Finally, we sat in the living room after having cleaned the kitchen. James turned a reflective gaze toward my stomach. "Have you thought about names yet?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, smiling softly. "A few. But I wanted to talk to you about it."

He looked touched, and his lips played with a hint of a smile. "I'd like that."

Deep inside, I could feel James struggling; I knew we had to confront everything that for too long now had remained unsaid.

"James," I whispered softly, breaking the silence. "We have to talk."

He nodded his head seriously. "Yeah, I know. We can't keep avoiding all this shit."

I took a long breath, trying to get my thoughts together. "When can you visit again? I mean, after you've healed and are back on your feet."

His eyes shifted to the side a moment, like he was torn. "The tour schedule is brutal, but I'll make time. I promise. I'll find a way to come home more often."

"That's good," I said, though there was still that doubt in my mind. "And what about… Um, child support?"

The question seemed to stress him out. His brow furrowed, his face showing visible discomfort. "I don't want it to have to come to that," he said, very awkwardly. "I don't want to just send money. I want to be here. With you. With our baby."

His words hung in the air as I let out a sigh, feeling so mixed up. "James, we went over that a long time ago. You and I both know how that ends."

His eyes, filled with pain, locked with mine. "I miss you. I miss us. I want to make it work this time."

My throat started to constrict as my eyes welled with unshed tears. "I miss you, too, James. I love you. But your life. it revolves around booze and shitty hookups, and I refuse to put up with that."

His shoulders sagged and he raked a hand through his hair, his whole posture one of defeat. "I know I've messed up. I know I've hurt you. But I want to change."

My eyes brimmed up, and I brushed my face, the realness of it all stinging. "James, I believe you want to change. But you have to do it, not just say it. I just can't do that to myself, or our baby."

He hunched forward, his voice trembling. "I know I have a lot to prove. But I need you to give me a chance. I need to be part of your life. I don't just want to be a distant figure that sends cheques in the mail. I want to be Dad."

Sincerity in his voice cracked through part of my defenses. "I want that too, James. It’s the only thing I’ve wanted for months. But it's going to take a lot of time."

He nodded at me, tears welling up in his eyes. "Tell me what to do. I'll do anything."

I took a deep breath. "You first have to get better. You can't do anything if you're not healthy. And then. we'll work on it. You need to show me you're serious about changing. You're gonna cut alcohol, no more mindless hookups. Just us and this baby."

"I can do that," he said fervently. "I will do that."

We sat there, holding each other's gaze, the burn of it like lasers.

"Honey," James murmured, bringing his hand over to pick up mine. "I love you. I never stopped loving you. I was just- I don’t know, lost."

I squeezed his hand again, there was some warmth, some strength in the grip. "I love you too, James. And I want to believe that we can make this work."

He nodded, his face determined. "I know. But I'm ready for this. For us."

My anxiety seemed to calm down at that moment, mixed with a feeling of perpetual fear. "Then let's just take it one day at a time. We’ll figure it out."

That evening, the sun was way below the horizon, and the living room was bathed in light. Off I drifted into the kitchen, obtained a glass of water, and then proceeded to the living room.

There he was, lying on the couch, fast asleep. The position of his flailed body made me laugh just a little. The blanket I had given him earlier was half draped over him, while the other half trailed off the couch onto the floor. It seemed like something really cute at that time.

I sipped my water and set the glass down on the coffee table, then sat down quietly on the floor beside the couch, watching him for minutes at a time. The inflation of his chest, the soft murmur of his breathing. There was some sort of gentleness in his sleeping face, a certain something that brought back memories from early days with him, days with my sweet, shy Jamie.

I reached out and gently stroked through his hair, running my fingers through the familiar soft strands. He stirred a little but didn't wake. Letting my hand drift down to his cheek, I felt the prickles of his facial hair. It brought back so many memories.

I loved him so much, and seeing him like that made that love almost overwhelming. But I wouldn't let myself get washed away in those feelings. Not now. We still had a long, hard way to go ahead of us.

But in this quiet moment, it was impossible not to remember all the ways he had been so kind and gentle. There was a goodness in James that I had always believed in, even when things were at their worst. And as I sat now, looking at him while he slept, I hoped that goodness would win, and he would find his way back to being the man that I knew he could be. The man he truly was.

I sighed softly and leaned forward to plant a light kiss on his forehead. The skin was warm, and for whatever hell of a reason, just short of right, I just remained there, feeling this connection.

I pulled back. There was going to be a long haul ahead, but I don't mind walking it. Just take it step by step, and hope that after long enough of walking, he will take my hand.

I rose to my feet, finally entering my bedroom after taking a last look at James, who was still on the couch, sleeping like a baby. "Goodnight, James," I whispered softly.

I lay down on the bed, putting a hand over my belly. "We're going to be okay," I whispered to the baby. "Daddy's here, and we are going to figure it all out. I hope."

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namis-gf · 8 months

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Hii can I get Robin x Reader, where Robin wakes up from a nightmare and reader comforts her? I'd imagine it's set after Enies Lobby

ANON ILY THIS IS SUCH A GOOD REQUEST!!! i was kicking my feet and giggling while writing cause robin is best girl ever and hurt/comfort is my jam

summary: fem!reader and robin sharing a bed for the first time after everything that went down in water 7/enies lobby. for context, reader worked for sir crocodile in alabasta and robin took her along when she boarded the merry (but she was unaware of robin working with the government)

word count: 812 words / 0.8k

cw: none!

there are three beds now, in the girls' cabin on the sunny. you aren't sure if you're relieved or disappointed. the shipwright luffy picked - franky is his name, you think - had done a headcount of every member of the crew before getting to work.

the gulf between each bed feels even larger at night. for the first few nights back at sea, you can hear soft, heart-wrenching noises from across the room. your heart sinks into your stomach from the guilt, making you almost nauseous, but you can't work up the courage to get up and check on her.

robin had lied to you.

yes, you know she'd done it for the greater good. yes, you know she didn't mean any harm by keeping you in the dark. but nico robin has been by your side for as long as you can remember, on the sea and in the scorching sands of alabasta. she was there in your worst and weakest moments, and you cherish her. part of you wishfully thought that she too, felt as though she could confide in you just as equally.

she's crying again tonight. robin has always had issues with sleep, though she used to be much more cryptic and closed off about the origin of the problem. sometimes, back in your homeland, she would crawl into your bed after night-watch. never touching you directly, but her presence was warm and comforting.

you get to your feet and slip past a sleeping nami, heading toward the bed farthest from the door and shrouded in darkness. by the time you attempt to make an awkward approach, she is already awake and silently watching.

"i missed you," you whisper quietly, extending the olive branch.

before you can try and come up with something else to say, two hands brusquely push against your back. the motion sends you falling forwards, a familiar laugh and the scent of flowers awaiting. she pulls you close, your face red red red from embarrassment.

"it was about time you came to check on me," robin hums, an errant hand summoned by the devil fruit's magic combing through your hair. "one would almost think you were angry."

"i'm not angry," you grumble. "i was worried. for a smartypants, you've been making real stupid decisions of late. that new captain must be a bad influence."

"it wasn't stupid," she replies, sounding lost in thought. "i did what i had to do. if it came down to it, i was ready to go."

"that's the fucking problem! you convinced yourself you were ready, and-"

"i wanted to live, yes."

"well thank god," you huff indignantly, rolling over so you can face her properly. "i would've been pissed if you dragged me all this way just to go and die like a loser."

she chuckles again, the sound music to your ears. "what was it, mr. 0 used to say all the time? right, yes. we don't lose."

"and die winners?" you finish the familiar saying, "he was always so full of shit. the hell does that even mean? If you're dead, you lose. game over."

robin's breath seems to be evening out, and the throes of sleep are working to snare you too. but you came here for a reason, and you won't just let her ignore the problem any longer. "what were you dreaming about?"

"oh, i don't know," she says, flippant. if you could make out her face in the dark, you're sure she'd be smiling at your imminent frustration. "i never really remember my dreams."

“ever?" you echo disbelievingly, "that's nuts. just yesterday i woke up from an awful nightmare about the captain trying to boil my hair like spaghetti."

"sounds yummy," she presses close to you, now, and her two real arms circle around your shoulders. "but i'm afraid my dreams are top secret, frontier agent miss thursday."

"don't pull that garbage rank on me! you know i'm worth more than... eleventh," you say the last word with enough distaste that robin starts giggling again.

"no offence," robin says, in the voice that means she's about to be totally mean. "but i think your former rank had more to do with uh- how do i put it- your tendency to dispose of your partners."

“it's not my fault he was a dummy and couldn't defend himself," you argue back, mostly for the fun of it. "i really think they underestimated my grand potential."

"well that's why i took you with me, of course," she soothes, and you laugh a little yourself at the insincerity. "i'm serious though, i sleep better with you around. so you are hereby forbidden to leave."

"aye," you snort, raising a wobbly arm in mock salute. nico robin may be a total mystery, but you were raised persistent. and persist you fucking will, until she lets you into her heart.

#one piece #one piece x reader #nico robin x reader #nico robin #requests open #fem!reader #nico robin x fem!reader #baroque works

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ink-n-shadow · 1 year

Note

that könig kia fic was heartbreaking 😭😭 if you want can you do a part 2 where they’re reunited ?

Moving Along (pt. II) | König

[ MOVING ALONG pt. 2 ] 𝜗𝜚 the one where you confront König after thinking he was KIA on deployment

𝜗𝜚 pairing: König x fem!reader 𝜗𝜚 cw: strong language, mean-ish!reader, shitty ending, unedited 𝜗𝜚 note: find part one here ⤳ link

The first thing you did whenever your boyfriend left the apartment the next morning was go to your closet. You pushed up onto your tiptoes to reach the top shelf, pulling down a cardboard box that you hadn't peered through in 8 months.

Bringing it over to your bed and sinking down beside it, your hands immediately begin digging through the box—filled painful memories and reminders of everything that could've been. There were letters, a stuffed bear with a bowtie, countless old movie tickets, a necklace he had gotten me for our one year anniversary 8 months before he disappeared.

Buried beneath everything was your old cellphone, battery drained and fingertips still smudging the screen from the lack of use. your fingers trembled as you pulled it out, glancing it over before plugging it into the charger on your bedside table. a breath of relief left your mouth as you saw it beginning to charge.

after a few painstaking minutes of sitting there, the phone finally illuminated back to life, and you quickly entered your old password—the date of your anniversary with könig—and went to your notifications. what you saw made your heart sink deep into the pit of your stomach.

sure, there were old texts and missed calls, but now there were new ones. some were from as early yesterday. the realization hit you like a brick wall.

könig wasn’t dead.

the sudden vibration of your old phone almost made you drop it onto the floor beneath you, könig's contact flashing up on the screen an inviting you to answer. something inside of you made you hesitate for a moment, throat growing thick with tears and remembrance as i pushed the green answer button.

"scheiße, finally you pick up." könig's words sounded breathy and full of concern, a nervous laugh pinned to the end of his sentence.

your mouth was bobbing between opened and closed like a fish out of water, eyes staring off into the chipped paint of your bedroom walls. hot tears were burning puddles in your lashes. your chest felt tight, like someone was holding your lungs in the palm of their fist. "k-könig?"

there was a soft pause between the two of you, where könig let out another scoffed nervous laugh. "ja, glad you remember my name still, liebling. you know—i went by your old apartment." he was speaking so casually, as if nothing was wrong—as if you hadn't been spending the past 8 months mourning the loss of him.

"you're not dead." you stated matter-of-factly, words sounded watered down by the tears now streaming down your face in thick rivulets. "how the fuck are you not dead?"

"dead?" könig sounded genuinely confused, his sentence frozen in time as he sputtered to regain his ability to speak. "w-why would i be dead, schatz?"

your chest convulsed with a rough sob, fingers squeezing tighter around the phone in your palm and eyes narrowing at the wall in front of you. "i got the letter in the mail, könig. i read it so many fucking times to make sure it was real that i have it fuckin' memorized. this shouldn't be fuckin' possible." it took every ounce of strength you had left to not drop the phone, to keep it pressed to your ear so you could hear every word könig was saying.

there was a long stretch of silence, filled only by the broken sobs slipping from your lips and könig's heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. your body was growing more tense, like a rubber band on the verge of snapping in half. "fucking say something, könig! you mean to tell me i've been spending the past 8 months grieving and trying to move on for nothing?!"

again, könig remained in relative silence. his breathing had grown a bit more ragged, and the sound of sniffling on the other line making it clear to you that he was on the verge of tears. "m-meine seele...i-i don't know what you are talking about. my superiors—"

"your superiors are the one who sent the goddamn letter, könig." your voice was wavering and broken, tongue falling between your syllables like potholes and making it hard to speak without slurring over sobs. "they're the ones who told me you were dead. they're the ones who told me to move on, könig. so you know what? i did. i moved on, thought i was finally okay again—until you fuckin' come walking back into my life as if nothing has changed."

the other end of the phone was filled with broken sniffles and ragged breaths of air. your heart ached hearing the sounds coming from the usually content and stoic soldier, but a sick part of you felt somewhat relieved—it felt good knowing that someone else was feeling a fraction of the pain you had felt for months now.

"i have a new job, a new boyfriend, a new life, könig. but you know what the worst part is?" you sniveled out the words, the heels of your palms coming up to swipe at the sticky tears lingering on your cheekbones. "i'm willing to drop all of it—even my boyfriend—just for you, könig."

#iNs requests ⭒#könig x reader #könig #könig cod #könig call of duty #konig cod #konig x reader #konig #könig angst #call of duty #call of duty drabble #könig mw2 #cod fanfic #cod x reader #cod mwii #iNs König 🐺

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sadiegirl2021 · 6 months

Text

My submission for @gwynrielweeksofficial Prompt: Confessions.

Is it still Gwynriel if it's love between the shadows and Gwyn!?

Confessions of a Brave, Lonely Shadow on Ao3

I remember it all so clearly—the day I fell in love with Gwyneth Berdara.

The doors opened to the training ring; the sun was shining high, and I was the only shadow willing to accompany the Master. The rest hid in the shade, as usual.

She entered the ring, proud and strong. When her coppery hair caught the wind and danced around her face like fiery shadows, it made my breath catch. If I had one to catch, that is!

We had met once before under very different circumstances, and I do not wish to revisit that day. But I will say that I have never experienced that level of rage and protectiveness before. It all made sense when I saw her again. That’s when I knew she was the only one for me. Well, us… the others are also quite fond of her too. Not as much as I am, though. She is my mate, after all.

Our Master, of course, is completely clueless, so hung up on that Elain Archeron girl. No matter how many times we remind him she’s a mated female, he just won't listen. It’s the ‘Mor is not interested in you’ argument all over again. He always thinks he knows best! Stupid boy… but I digress.

The day he brought us shopping for a Solstice present for Elain, I just about lost it. I felt my heart breaking, or I would have if I had one, that is.

I wanted to buy a gift for my mate, shower her with all the love and attention she deserved. Stupid Master was ruining my chance at love. Real love! Not the infatuations he chased.

And Solstice night was… difficult. It was quite clear the Archeron girl was open to our Master’s advances, and she very much liked the necklace. We all closed our eyes as they almost kissed—if we had eyes to close—but were praising the Mother above when the High Lord intervened just in time.

We ignored the fight between the brothers; too tired to care after a night of festivities. We encouraged the Master to leave and get some rest. He begrudgingly did.

And then, Gwyneth was there in the training ring! We collectively agreed this was my chance to make a big impression on her.

We didn’t warn the Master of her presence, but we could tell he was just as surprised to see her there. We were even more shocked that he continued to engage in conversation when she’d given him a clear out.

Then she looked at me with interest. No one ever looked at us shadows with kind eyes! But she did. She must have felt our bond too, even if she didn’t understand it yet.

Some of the others claimed she was looking at them, but I know it was right at me!

The air was cold, and as her breath curled in front of her perfect lips, I darted out to dance with it. I added my best flourish to show her just how interested I was in her too and prayed she understood. She seemed a bit preoccupied talking to the Master, but the others told me I’d done a great job.

Our mating bond was singing silently, and we all felt at ease from the soothing lullaby it produced, sinking onto the Master's shoulders to watch as she executed almost perfect strikes to cut the white ribbon. She’d get there, eventually. And we would silently encourage her all the way.

It had all ended too soon, but it was a positive step forward for our relationship. As we descended to the Master’s room, we were pleasantly surprised to hear her beautiful voice follow us, humming an enchanting tune.

I sang back in answer to my mate, promising that one day we'd be together, that the song in our souls would become one.

The next day, our Master received his present from Elain back. It had seemed the female had a change of heart. Tragic, of course… but an excellent opportunity for me.

I whispered Gwyneth’s name over and over in the Master’s ear, encouraging him to regift the necklace to my mate. If I had hands and a body, I would have gotten her my own gift… but this was the best I could do.

The Master rebelled slightly at the idea and even suggested giving my gift to a different priestess! But thank the gods for the wonderful Clotho. She insisted it should go to my beautiful Gwyneth.

I imagined how her teal eyes might widen with joy upon receiving it. I only wished I could stay to watch.

A strange spark flickered amongst us, but I didn't think much of it.

I reached out one last time toward my mate, wishing her a Happy Solstice before the Master departed.

One day we would celebrate it together. I knew it in my soul… or whatever the shadow equivalent was.

9 Months Later:

It was the Master’s mating bond I was feeling… not my own. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. But at least I can be close to her now, always.

She calls me her favourite shadow. And I still call her my mate.

I’ve never felt life to be unfair as a shadow, accepting that I must exist without a body of my own. But this has been hard to adjust to.

My Master treats her well, though… all I’ve ever wanted was for her to be happy, and she truly is with him.

And who knows. Perhaps my true mate is out there too, somewhere… hiding among shadows… waiting for me.

#Is this unhinged?#POV Azriel's bravest shadow #gwynriel #pro gwynriel #gwynrielweeks2024 #gwynriel weeks 2024 #acotar fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #Prompt: confessions

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callsignmarz · 8 months

Text

MDNI | Ghost x Reader

“He’s Still Grieving.”

Life could be so unexpected. So empty. So cruel.

Full of all the ‘what if’s.’

Delicate rainfall descends from the heavens above, muting the outside world. Ghost overlooks the streets of London from inside of his flat with exhaustive eyes, twirling a whirlpool in his glass of bourbon.

“Drinking again?” You berated with concern, watching as he drowns his sorrows in alcohol.

“I got a lot on my mind.” He mumbled.

His drinking became a nightly ritual, numbing the shame and guilt that loomed over like the grey clouds in the night sky. Letting out a defeated sigh, Ghost shuts his eyes, listening to how your soft voice blends almost perfectly with the rain.

“You know, I hate when you go on a binge like this.”

Sensing his distress, you step closer, reaching out to embrace Ghost from behind. Yet, his body only tenses more underneath your touch.

“Talk to me, my love. Is it work?”

Your innocent question curls a faint smile on Ghost’s lips.

After a passing beat, he lets out a quiet laugh.

“You were always a thorn in my ass.”

“Just a thorn? I aim to be an entire cactus.” You remarked with a chuckle, taking the glass from his hands and gently setting it down on the nightstand beside the guest’s bed.

For a fleeting moment, everything felt normal. Then the sweet smile on your face fades as your brows furrow in deep thought.

“Are you ever going to move back into our bedroom?” You ask in a thin sounding tone.

Ghost’s frowns deeply, fighting to keep a handle on his composure. He wanted nothing more than to be back in the bedroom. Waking up next to you every morning, holding you close and kissing you whenever he pleases.

“No, not after what happened.” Ghost said firmly, ignoring the tightening in his throat.

Turning from the window, your head briefly sinks between your shoulders as he brushes past you, neither of you capable to meet each other’s gaze. Your heart squeezed painfully, knowing how much pain he was in, how much he lost then and now.

“I don’t blame you, Simon.” You say just before he leaves the room.

Ghost frozen in his tracks. Hearing his name leave your mouth with such ease broke the last shred of self-control. Spinning around, your heart races when Ghost charges at you in two large strides with self-loathing tears streaming down his face as he finally releases all his pent up emotions.

“You don’t get to say that, you’re not even real, Y/N! You’re fucking dead and it’s all my fault. I could’ve saved you, just like everyone fucking else in my life. But, no! I let my entire family down, I let Johnny down…now, I let you down.”

Choking back a sob, Ghost collapses on the edge of the bed, his face buried in his hands with the memories of the day he lost you flood back in.

The pitch from the sirens embedded within the walls of your home along with the sight of EMT’s worked vigorously to resuscitate you.

Every second matters.

Was the last thing the doctor said to Ghost before rushing you off for emergency surgery. 30 minutes later, you passed away from the brain aneurysm.

Since then, the man you loved so dearly deteriorated into nothing but a hallow shell with the only way of coping is searching for solace at the bottom of a bottle.

Little by little, the grief ate away at what was left of his sanity and the apparition of you began haunting him.

“I just miss you, Y/N…I miss you so much.” Ghost’s voice broke, dropping his hands from his face.

When Ghost looked at you, his brows scrunched as he saw the look of your face. In your eyes, Ghost saw the final farewell. The realization hit painfully as he jumped to his feet with woeful expression.

“No, please I’m not ready to let you go.” He pleaded as you held a bittersweet smile on your face, your own tears running along your flushed cheeks.

“I know and I’m sorry, my love. But, this is for the best. I need you to get better and stay strong for us. Okay?”

“Us?”

“Yeah, L.T. All of us.”

Ghost whips around with bulging eyes when he hears a familiar voice come from behind him.

On the other side of the room stood, Tommy with an arm around Beth, his mother, who was holding Joseph and Soap.

All of them looked as happy and healthy as Ghost last remembered.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, LT.” Johnny and Tommy chuckle at the bewildered look plastered on Ghost’s face.

“No matter what happens, we’re always going to be here for you, Sweetheart. And we’re so proud of the man you’ve become.” His eyes pull towards his mother’s soothing voice, then circles back towards you.

“It’ll be okay, Simon. Think of this as a ‘See you next time’ rather than a ‘Goodbye.’” You reassured Ghost as your hand swiftly cups his stubbled cheek.

Leaning into your touch one last time, Ghost silently accepted that it was time to let go. With a heavy heart, he whispers out his promise.

“I’ll do better, okay. Just…please don’t be a stranger.”

You give him a simple nod, then cradled him into your arms as he clung onto you for the last time. Ghost nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, smothering back the occasional sniffles.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Pulling away from each other, Soap’s hand slams down on the back of Ghost’s neck, joshing him around a bit.

“It’ll be okay, L.T. No need for the water works. I thought you told me you had a cold heart.” He teases, livening up the air, evoking a light chuckle from everyone. Soap leans closer, keeping his tone low and assuring, his baby blue eyes full of understanding. “Don’t worry, Sir. I’ll take care of them all.”

Ghost nods thankfully as he pulled away from you completely, wiping away the tears to take in everyone’s smiling faces before finally fading away, leaving Ghost alone once more.

This time the room felt emptier.

However, Ghost had to do one last thing before he could finally move on.

His legs carried himself out the guest room, in the living room, there was a shelf where your urn occupied and right next to it was a sliver key. As he took ahold of the key, Ghost hand caresses you urn with a sentimental smile. He then strolled over, unlocking and entering the master bedroom.

“Hey there, beautiful…”

#call of duty #cod mw2 #call of duty fanfic #mw2 imagine #spotify #angst #simon riley imagine #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #ghost mw2 #ghostsoap

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frozenjokes · 2 months

Text

ethoslab unrequited love with the sun (something about autism and albinism)

Etho had never considered himself to be very lucky. Growing up in a dead end, loveless outcrop where most inhabitants were named after some kind of phantom, reminiscent of the cold- it really couldn’t get any more explicit than that, could it. Most mers that grew up there stayed their entire lives, farming and toiling away and speaking very little to anyone else. Etho considered himself to be quite unlucky then, to have inherited their cold, but not the apathy that kept them stuck in the same soulless expanse.

Etho did not get along well with other people. After he left, seeking out other mers, he found the new worlds impossible to navigate, longing for deeper connections but at the same time entirely unable to manage them, to speak, to exist on the plane where everyone else seemed to live without having to claw and fight their way to it. Without having to try.

They knew he was different. They could sense it, even if he’d done nothing at all; just a little too awkward, a little too cold. They found him off putting, Etho knew it in the way their fins would fall just slightly, barely noticeable, but after social rejection after social rejection, it was an expression he began to grow familiar with.

Mers were uncomfortable around him. Something about him, unnerving, just like the phantom he was named after. Many days Etho considered his name a curse, passed down from generations of soulless mers, transferring their cold ineptitude into him. He considered changing it multiple times, but it didn’t matter what he called himself, not when the deep seed of genetic incompetence had already set, the name he’d been given simply a marker of what was already inside.

So after a while, Etho stayed at the sidelines. He watched, hoping to learn how he might live normally, love freely, and care deeply. This did not end up happening.

But he did learn about the sun.

Mermaids used to live with the sun, existing in light and warmth and subsiding on the gifts she bestowed upon them. They talked about the sun like a myth, a divine protector, giver of life and love as far as her light could reach. A mer touched by her rays might shimmer and glow, beautiful in ways that mermaids in the deep could not imagine; literally could not imagine- the sun’s light did not reach this far, so the concept of sight was foreign, but the sentiment made it seem magical, like an ethereal pull on Etho’s heart.

He needed to know more. He badgered every mer he could find in a search for information, even the most talkative, braggadocious mermaids tiring of him in his relentless quest for more.

‘It’s hot up there,’ one had told him, a sentiment Etho had heard a thousand times, but he listened regardless, ‘but at some point, you get used to it. If you stay in the cooler waters, it’s even manageable. But the sun..’ the mer had trailed off, fins waving wistfully, ‘It’s hot, uncomfortable even, but at the same time, I’ve never felt anything like it on my skin. It’s warmth sinks into you, through you, almost overwhelming, but simultaneously I’ve never felt so relaxed. It was like a peace settled over me akin to a silt blanket, I was happy, and I was so suddenly sure this was where we were meant to be. I don’t know why we ever left.”

Etho had been disappointed when that mermaid had moved on, traveling through different settlements and telling their stories. But Etho doubted tales of the surface would stir many others, most mers being content with their lives in the deep and wary of tales about other creatures of the sun, murderous and unpredictable like monsters. After all, for as many stories of wonder coming down from the surface, there were twice as many horrors; attacks from human ships with sharp weapons and cruel spikes, cages and nets and stories that would keep you awake long after the clock struck late.

Etho cared little for those stories. He was only interested in the sun. The sun that was real despite being talked of like a myth, the sun that was brilliant and bright and blessed every creature it touched with unimaginable beauty. It made life warm. It made life happy. Etho had never been more sure she would be the god that could fix him, lay her hands on his heart and melt away all the ice that kept him outcast. Maybe she would take him in, teach him personally how he was meant to be.

Finally, he found the courage to ‘take the plunge’ as humans would say, though this was a little more like ‘unplunging.’

At first it had been terrifying. While mermaid activity was minimal above the level of complete darkness, there had still been a few mers hanging around where the dredges of the first light began. Etho had known they were there, of course, he could sense them, but it was an entirely different thing to see their inky shapes, massive and fast across his poor vision. It was one thing to run into another mer in the deep; it happened all the time and it was pretty shocking, but ultimately a common occurrence. To see someone barreling toward you was an entirely new terror, and Etho had to wonder if this was how fish felt when they were hunted.

Etho got a lot of attention in these waters, and for a long time he had no idea why. It was terrifying to have strangers approach him for no reason at all; they wanted to look at him, he was a different color they said. Etho had taken a good look at himself for a long time, not making much progress toward the sun when he was preoccupied trying to figure out what they were talking about. He figured his eyes just weren’t adjusted yet. He’d heard a lot about that, adjusting. Still, a long while passed before he knew what the rest of the mers were talking about.

He hadn’t known why for years. If there was a word for his coloration in the mermaid language, it had been lost to time, and Joel certainly didn’t know, not that Joel had the experience to know the pale colored scales and skin were odd in the first place. The light sensitivity Joel had plenty to say about (Why are you squinting? What’s wrong with you? It’s not that sunny outside, Etho, get a grip.), but that was another can of worms. Etho had only known what it was called when Bdubs had brought it up; apparently albinism was a condition in humans as much as it was in mermaids. Not that Bdubs knew him as anything but human, but regardless.

Etho considered this to be another symptom of bad luck. Mermaid sight was already poor, especially in comparison to humans, but Etho could hardly see anything at all, probably legally blind as far as human standards went.

But it wasn’t just his sight, no. When the light was low, Etho did alright. He enjoyed the abundance of fish, seeing all sorts of new and fascinating animals. The exploration was incredible, ‘seeing’ was incredible, and even despite his steady loneliness, his first journey to the surface was probably one of the best experiences he’d had his whole life. And he was so excited, so excited to see the sun.

It hurt.

Now, the high light levels of the water’s surface had rendered Etho actually blind; a symptom of spending so much time in the deep. That was okay, expected, and honestly not a massive inconvenience. He’d lived his whole life this way, not a big deal. But he wanted to see it. He had to see the sun.

The sun had other plans.

He’d heard about adjusting to the light, he knew it would take time, but still he practiced, swimming deeper and squinting his eyes open until he couldn’t stand it anymore. Staring toward the sand instead of the sky. Even though he longed to see it, it was just too bright, and even a week later, he couldn’t bring himself to look up.

The night was kinder, and Etho found himself preferring it. He liked the moon as well, though at first he had mistaken it for a lesser sun, surely not as beautiful nor grand. But his body didn’t ache with the weight of light when the sky was dark. Another of his problems was the heat of the surface, suffocating on most days even in semi-deep water, but less so at night. It might even be nice, one day. He was determined for it to be nice, to feel the love and peace the storyteller had promised him, to feel the warmth in his bones and finally know with his whole heart that he had been fixed.

And then the sun set his body on fire.

Etho had been burned before; hydrothermal vents could be a bitch to deal with, but he had never experienced this. The heat of the surface had been something he was pushing himself to get used to; he wanted to like this place, he wanted to learn warmth, but he was always uncomfortable, and usually the depth mattered very little. So one day, he simply decided he would sit somewhere shallow enough that the sun could see him in his completion. It would be sweltering, but Etho was hot everywhere, and he felt that he had waited long enough, his inability to see the sun already a source of great frustration. Firmly, he decided, if he could not see the sun, at the very least the sun would see him.

He’d laid there for hours, trying to make conversation despite the words coming as a great struggle, but before he knew it, he’d paid the price of the ultimate rejection. Etho wasn’t even sure when he’d first noticed; he remembered feeling hot and stiff, more than usual, but the sting came soon after, then the pain, so bright and fiery he had no doubt who had done this to him. He couldn’t move, the effort of pushing water through his gills a monumental task. Mermaids couldn’t cry, they didn’t have the anatomy to do so, but Etho had done the equivalent, wailing his distress in warbled song, loud, begging anyone for help, but mermaids only rarely traveled this far up, and no one heard his great distress. He cried for the sun, too, that she might forgive him, help him, but it did not answer, nor did it heal him. When his skin and scales began to crack and peel, Etho was certain the sun had planned on killing him. Turning him to dust, melting him away, known and loved by no one.

That had hurt the most. That the sun, his idol, the bearer of his greatest worship, had turned her back on him as well. Wanted nothing to do with him, just like the rest of the world.

Turned out he was just more susceptible to sunburn. Also, the sun wasn’t sentient. Unlucky, in his opinion.

Unluckier still, to have been out in that storm years later, to be taken by the current, the waves, and thrusted into Joel’s waiting hands.

But in some ways, at least in the following months, it was a little nice. Joel wasn’t all bad all of the time, and despite being shit company most days, it was a nice reminder that there were, in fact, people worse than Etho. People so cold, no amount of sunshine would ever be able to fix them. Still, they shared small moments often enough that his own loneliness started to be chipped away at, Joel’s company, vibrant and brash and callous as it was.. in a way, it was better than the ocean. The deep. It was more. Like the deep, Joel would never say how he felt, but Etho could see it in little gestures, tenderness that came in small waves, thoughtless and genuine. Most of it was shit. Joel was shit, and treated Etho less than shit most of the time, but there was also a firm feeling of kinship between them, possibly having to do with their shared souls, and Etho guessed with some certainty that Joel would die for him if such a hypothetical opportunity arose. If only Joel dying didn’t mean Etho would meet the same fate. There were a lot of ‘unfortunates’ about their twin souls.

Unlucky to be plucked out of the water by poachers the first time he attempted to leave. Probably inevitable to be saved by Joel, or the two of their lives would have ended right there.

But the second time. The second time, Etho might’ve been the luckiest man in the world. A whole life passing of missed opportunities and squandered friendships and plain misery, the luck he’d had no choice but to save cashed in as the universe threw him directly into Bdubs’s arms.

Etho had hardly been at the mainland for more than a day before he’d gotten himself into trouble. He knew only as much about general human society as Joel did, which is to say, nothing- negative nothing actually, because the information Etho managed to pry out of him was entirely inaccurate, warped by Joel’s frankly insane perception of the world.

Etho had gotten hungry around midday. He hadn’t known exactly what to do about that, but Joel had mentioned something about restaurants, a foreign concept, but Etho got the jist. Restaurants gave you food, just like mermaids shared with each other, hunting for those who could not. Humans just had designated areas to collect that food, that was all. Etho wasn’t even a little thrilled to have to talk to anyone (he’d already been given weird looks all day, no doubt because he was wearing Joel’s clothes, dirty at best and hardly fitting), but a determination had settled inside of him to assimilate here, to be away from Joel and learn to be human when he had no other options.

He couldn’t read, but he could differentiate buildings somewhat by smell, what people were doing. Beyond not being able to read, he struggled in general just seeing, tripping and stumbling, eyes watering under the wrath of the sun. He was so worried about being burned, didn’t know why she was so angry, but alas, he found some reprieve in the darker interiors of the restaurants he attempted to visit, in which he was promptly kicked out.

Etho didn’t really know why, or what he was doing wrong. He’d done his best to learn as much English as he could glean from Joel, but he wasn’t fluent, and everyone here talked so fast- (had Joel been slowing down for him?) Etho couldn’t keep up, overwhelmed into silence on his third attempt, breathing heavy under the adrenaline of repeated rejections. He’d watched humans for so many years, Joel had told him about them as well, but there were so many words and customs he didn’t know, and all at once he would rather go hungry than speak to anyone else ever again.

It was a police car that had pulled up near immediately after he’d left the third restaurant, just as he’d started to walk down the street. Dark patterned cars with lights at the top, the people inside with equally dark, padded uniforms. Etho could see it when he could hardly see anything at all; he was looking out for them, wary of running into anyone who fit the bill. Etho knew about the police because Joel knew about them, and given the violent streaks Joel bragged about from time to time, Etho knew Joel’s encounters with law enforcement were likely warranted. But they had weapons, he knew, were bad tempered- though, given that Joel thought every human was bad tempered and also that he was committing acts of unspeakable violence, Etho was pretty sure he should take those sentiments with a grain of salt. But the possible danger did scare him, especially so soon after several rejections. Did they know? Was he in trouble?

“Hey, are you okay?” the one on the passenger’s side asked, but Etho didn’t look up, didn’t engage. What any mermaid would do if they didn’t want to talk, but humans didn’t like to be ignored. They asked him again, and more aggressively Etho had looked away, saying nothing. He walked faster. He didn’t know what else to do. His feet hurt. He wasn’t used to walking this much. The humans didn’t like that. They stopped their car, the one in the passenger’s side yelling out to him as they slammed the car door, but the sound made Etho jump and he shrunk away, not knowing what he had to do to get them to let him be.

“Leave me alone,” he’d tried. Words that worked well enough on Joel when he needed space. He was overwhelmed, overstimulated, eyes watering from the sun, he just wanted shade, someplace quiet to sit- he’d make his way back to the beach he’d landed afterwards, catch his breath. The officer didn’t like those words, though.

They asked him something he didn’t understand. They sounded irritated, and Etho had no idea what to do with that. When Joel was irritated, Etho simply took the blows and ignored him until he cooled off or went away. This human didn’t like being ignored.

“I don’t know. I don’t understand.” I haven’t done anything wrong. He didn’t know how to communicate that.

The human said something else, and again Etho caught very little of it. They were talking too fast and he was too confused and scared and overwhelmed. He tried ignoring them. They didn’t like that. They reached out, as if to touch or grab him, but he did not want to be touched, he really didn’t want to be touched-

He hit them, smacking their arm in a hard blow, though he wasn’t very strong. His breath hitched in his throat. The other officer got out of the car.

“Hey! Hey hey hey, wait! I’m so sorry, wait!” Etho didn’t catch anything else the other human said as it burst from out of nowhere, or maybe they were close the entire time, watching- Etho didn’t know, he could hardly see or pay attention to anything at all besides his own terror. The new human was speaking fast, explaining something to the police officers in a flurry of words Etho hadn’t even heard before, but he picked up a few- ‘friend,’ ‘ill,’ ‘running.’ The officers had tensed at first, and they had remained that way for a while, especially when the stranger grabbed Etho’s hand, making him jump nearly out of his skin, but they didn’t let go, and at this point, Etho was relatively certain he was being helped.

“Do you know this man?” the officer addressed him for the first time since the stranger had turned up, sending fear like lightning through his veins. He squeezed his new companion’s hand. They squeezed back.

“I don’t. Speak English.”

Apparently he’d finally said the right thing. Everyone relaxed, like this was the missing puzzle piece that finally made this encounter make sense- the social barriers at least. The stranger took over immediately, delving into a flurry of words that seemed to lighten the tension further. They spoke with so much conviction it struck a chord of jealousy; Etho wanted that, to talk smooth and confident and have the whole world listen and relax in his presence. Not long after, both officers got into their car and drove off. Etho watched them, warily. He still hadn’t let go of the stranger’s hand.

“Are you okay?” they asked, gentler, though seemed to double back, looking embarrassed, but not quite knowing what else to say. Something about the soft awkwardness of the gesture helped Etho to relax, though not his grip.

“I’m okay. Thank you.” Etho paused, realizing a little late the stranger must not know that he had lied, “I do speak English. I try.”

“Oh! That’s good! I’m Bdubs, by the way.”

Etho didn’t know what that word meant. The stranger was feeling.. bdubs? ‘I’m’ was followed by an adjective, typically, wasn’t it? Maybe he was wrong. Etho stared, hoping for clarification. He got nothing for a while. It was quite awkward.

“I don’t know what that means. B..” he’d forgotten the rest of the word.

“Ah!” My name. My name is Bdubs.”

Etho felt so extremely stupid, but he resisted the urge to curl up and die because there was a very nice and generous human in front of him and he was not going to let this one go.

“My name is Etho.”

…

Neither of them said anything. Bdubs kept looking at their hand, Etho as well, but he certainly didn’t want to lose this opportunity, and Bdubs touched him first after all, so Etho arbitrarily decided he should be the one to say when the touch ended.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Etho.” Bdubs glanced at their hand. They pulled a little, and Etho in his terror did not let go. He couldn’t lose this. What was it Bdubs had said about him? Maybe if he acted sad and pathetic this human would take pity on him.

“I am scared and sick and ran away.”

Bdubs made a face. Etho had no idea if it was a good or a bad face. He’d never seen the expression on Joel before. (Communicating with Joel was so easy! He always knew what Etho wanted! Why was this so difficult?)

“You need help?”

“Yes!” Etho was worried he might sound too excited, but Bdubs only frowned, looking worried. “I need help,” he repeated, hoping Bdubs would understand.

“Alright. Come with me, okay? My apartment is just a few blocks from here.”

Etho did not let go of his hand. Often, even now, Etho wondered if the sun had something to do with him. Bdubs was surely hers, bright and boisterous and full of life. Live giving, even if sometimes it stung. Etho wondered about that as well, the nature of the sun, if she was not wrathful, but simply had too much to give, so much that it burned. He wondered if that hurt her, to know her light was hurting them, that she could not simply give without consequence. Where there was good, there was always bad, and vice versa. Bdubs was good.

“You’re really red,” Bdubs had said when they climbed the stairs to his apartment, turning to unlock the door, “How long have you been in the sun?”

“Speak slowly, please.”

“Oh, sorry,” Bdubs paused, maybe to give Etho time to process, “How long have you been in the sun? Outside.”

“Oh. It’s been a while.” Etho paused, internally counting. He didn’t have a good grasp on human measurements of time besides day and night; Joel didn’t do much on a schedule, so Etho hadn’t learned. “Near dawn I left.”

“You look pretty badly burnt.”

“The sun,” Etho tried, somewhat meekly, “No shade on the water.” He had suspected he’d gotten burned, face stiff and stinging and arms red, but he was not pleased to know it was bad. He held up his own arms, inspecting them and sighing, “This sucks.”

Bdubs chuckled, though Etho wasn’t exactly sure why. “Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Are you hungry? Have you had any water recently?”

“Yes.”

Bdubs made a small face, and Etho wondered if he’d said the wrong thing, but the other only nodded, pulling gently, “I’m going to get you something to drink, then.” Etho did not let go of his hand. Bdubs pulled again, so Etho got the message, joining him as he walked to the kitchen instead. Bdubs looked a little baffled by this, but didn’t say anything, so Etho got the impression he didn’t mind.

“Sorry for all those things I said about you, I just wanted to get you out of there. Didn’t look like you were in a good state- Are you.. sober?” Bdubs talked a little bit too fast for Etho to catch everything, but he got the gist, only faltering at the question.

“Ask again?”

“Are you sober?”

“I don’t know that word.”

“Uh- Have you been drinking. Alcohol. Are you high- drugs. Sorry- This feels rude, I just can’t tell.”

“I’m not drunk.” Etho was familiar with that feeling, he always felt so sick when Joel drank. He didn’t understand the appeal at all, though the floaty, far-away feeling was alright. “I don’t know what a drug is.”

“Probably not, then. Are you sick? Hurt?”

“I’m sunburned.”

“Well.. yeah, that’s true. Is something wrong with your eyes? Are they swollen from the sunburn?”

Etho drew back at the first question, defensive, but Bdubs didn’t sound accusatory, only like he genuinely didn’t know, concerned. “They’re sensitive. One doesn’t work very well. I don’t see well.” Etho pointed gingerly to his scar, and Bdubs nodded.

“What’s your first language? You speak a lot of English, but it might be easier for you to explain what’s happened that way. I have some bilingual friends, we might get lucky.”

Etho pursed his lips, unsure how to answer. It didn’t matter what he said, Bdubs would have no way to translate. And there was no way in hell anyone on the surface was learning exactly where he came from.

“I don’t have one.”

“You don’t speak another language?”

“Only English. Bad teacher.”

“Seems like you had a pretty good teacher to me!”

“He’s not.” Etho must have looked stony, because Bdubs’ face fell, but the moment presented itself an opportunity, and Etho wouldn’t miss it, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Is-“ Bdubs looked suddenly worried, “Are you in danger? Is someone trying to hurt you?”

“No,” Etho sighed a long breath, exhaustion beginning to take its hold, but not enough to overpower the fierce need to keep Bdubs’ hand in his, “It makes me sad.”

“Ah, okay. But you’re safe?”

“I’m safe.”

And he was safe, here at least, and quite good at making excuses to stay. Language barriers were a beautiful thing it turned out, especially when the barrier was exaggerated from time to time, and your companion was very respectful and a little anxious and really struggling to figure out how to tell you to leave. But Etho was a very good house guest, he cleaned up and was very nice and always did everything Bdubs asked of him. Come on Bdubs, you wouldn’t ask a little guy like me to go out on my own? I won’t make it! I’ll fall into the street and get hit by a car, or get scooped up by a hawk! You don’t want that, do you? You don’t want that!

Etho did wonder what Bdubs talked to his friends about on the phone (a device that Blew His Mind when he discovered it) in those early days, even now. He must’ve been a sight to behold, long ratty hair that nearly met his waist, stumbling around on the sidewalk like a newborn calf, sunburnt to all hell. The skills Etho did and did not possess also must have been quite baffling; he had perfectly good house manners, but had never seen a toilet before in his life. He could kind of speak English, but his vocabulary was extensive only in certain areas. He could talk at great lengths about every plant Bdubs owned in a distinctly educated manner, and the same could be said for various animals, so long as he knew them in the swamp. He could talk about the sun, information he’d needled out of Joel, but usually only as it related to earth and magic, and Bdubs got very confused when Etho started to talk about magic, so he didn’t linger on the subject. He could not, however, name more than five utilities in the apartment. He didn’t know what a woman was. He knew nothing about human culture or society, didn’t understand the simplest of references to the outside world. Etho only learned words that were relevant to Joel, which had sufficed when it was just the two of them. Now, it made him extremely odd.

Bdubs talked about Etho quite a lot to whoever it was he was calling. Scar, Cleo- definitely Cleo, because she was the first one to come over, and she was not happy.

Etho didn’t know what he’d been expecting when Bdubs told him a friend was coming over. Maybe he was imagining Bdubs 2, or something like that, someone kind and safe and overall lovely and not a massive red-headed spitfire, aggressively assertive in the ways Bdubs certainly was not. One look at her dark green eyes was enough to activate Etho’s fight or flight response, and that is exactly what he did. Run, that is. To Bdubs’s room, which he didn’t typically visit too often (he slept on the couch and/or floor), but it seemed like a very secure place to hide.

“He knows he’s in trouble,” Cleo said staunchly, Bdubs immediately stuttering to Etho’s defense.

“He is not in trouble! He’s been a perfectly lovely guest, no problems at all, be gentle, won’t you? You can see he’s not.. It's almost like he’s a little feral, like he was raised by some very distinguished English-speaking bunny rabbits. Be nice.”

Cleo scoffed. “I haven’t done anything. He ran away because I could say a word.”

“He’s not in trouble!”

“You asked for my help getting him out of here. You haven’t been able to move him for two weeks! He’s completely taken advantage of the situation, and you’re too nice to tell it to him how it is.”

“But where will he go once he’s gone? What if he gets hit by a car or scooped up by a hawk never to be seen again?”

“He’s a grown ass man, not a rabbit. Why are you even trying to convince me to stop, you’re the one who doesn’t want him here.”

“That’s- it’s more complicated than that.”

“ ‘There’s a homeless man squatting in my apartment and I don’t know what to do!’ That is what you said. I told you I could help you, and you said yes please Cleo help he won’t leave I can’t get him to leave.”

“But I- I thought you could get to know him first! We could all sit down and have some tea and discuss- I don’t know! Life! He’s so odd, a really interesting fella, you might really like him!”

“Bdubs.”

“Yes, Cleo?”

“I am not adopting your homeless man.”

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa! I never said anything about adoption! I just thought we could hang out, hold hands- he really likes to hold hands, he might like you! Wait here, wait here-“ Etho heard rapid footsteps over an annoyed groan from Cleo, before the door to Bdubs’ room was slowly opened, Bdubs creeping in and over to the other side of the bed where Etho was crouching.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he said, sitting with his legs crossed to get on Etho’s level, “That’s my friend, she’s not going to hurt you or tell you off or anything.” Given the snippets of conversation Etho caught, he was not so sure. “Can you come out? Let me introduce the two of you properly at least.”

As Bdubs’ very good, 10/10 house guest, Etho wanted to. He wanted to, but the fear was still strong, keeping him rooted; that stranger was so much bigger than him, more than capable of snapping him in half without much more than a dirty look- Etho didn’t want to see them, but more than that, he didn’t want Cleo to see him, see his fear written as clear as day on his face.

Wait. Maybe he could do something about that.

Slowly, carefully, Etho got to his feet, eyeing the comforter on Bdubs’ perfectly made bed with great ambition before ripping the blanket off (ripping- more like struggling intently for a whole minute to pull the entire thing, it was heavy), and putting the whole thing over his head, deeply pleased. Etho had no idea how Bdubs reacted, and honestly, that was ideal. He held out his hand. With some hesitation, Bdubs took it.

“Uh,” Bdubs said, pausing as he guided Etho out the door, “This is Etho.”

“Etho, hm?” Cleo sounded amused, if not a little baffled, but that was okay because Etho couldn’t see their face and they couldn’t see his. “Are you sure you haven’t befriended a blanket, or maybe a ghost?” Etho didn’t catch most of the meaning of that, but it sounded friendly.

“He’s shy.”

“Well hello there Etho, I’m Cleo.”

“Her name is Cleo,” Bdubs amended softly, and though Etho didn’t need the help given the previous context, the gesture struck him kindly.

“Hello,” he said, still nervous, but his newfound power of Blanket lended him a confidence that was making this easier, and he didn’t mind at all when Bdubs sat him down, assumedly next to Cleo, whose weight he could feel on the couch beside him. Etho wasn’t quite sure what to do next, but Bdubs helped him along, providing some background and giving him opportunities to jump in and talk. Which. He didn’t talk very much. But he gave a little input on Bdubs’ plants and the sun! Despite much urging from Bdubs though, they did not hold hands. A little disappointing, maybe, in Etho’s opinion at least, but Cleo wasn’t interested. It would have been nice to solidify such a strong alliance. Cleo didn’t linger though, getting up as soon as they finished their tea.

“Good luck with your homeless person, Bdubs.”

“Wait- wait a minute!” Bdubs got up to follow them, but was rubberbanded back by Etho’s grip on his hand.

Cleo laughed, a good sound, and the front door clicked closed, Bdubs sighing in its wake. Etho wasn’t sure he liked that sound- he didn’t want Bdubs to be disappointed! He had a very nice house and a reliable supply of food!

“That was nice,” Etho said instead, forcing as much contentment into his tone as he could manage.

Bdubs paused for a moment, faltering. “You think so?”

“I think so.”

Bdubs chuckled, and through the blanket Etho was pretty sure he saw Bdubs shake his head, “What am I supposed to do..” Etho didn’t entirely catch the meaning, but Bdubs sounded more amused than anything, a decidedly happier sound.

And that was good. For a long while things were good, at worst manageable, but they were getting better, and every day it felt like Etho was getting more confident, less afraid of the outside world.

Maybe it was lucky Etho hadn’t had something unlucky happen to him for so long. Maybe it was the sun’s way of welcoming him into the family despite their rocky relationship at the start.

While Etho was so unbelievably, unimaginably unlucky that his transformation from mermaid to human had been caught on a damn trail camera, he supposed he might be a little lucky that camera belonged to Scar. It was a matter of pros and cons he supposed; on one hand, Scar and by extension Grian had made an entire mess of themselves in front of Bdubs, nearly outing him in the process, but they also promised they wouldn’t say a word, and while Etho didn’t know how much he could trust Grian, he did trust Scar. The camera could’ve belonged to anyone, someone who might want to skin him alive, someone who might try to find him- he didn’t leave the house much, but he dressed in the same exact thing every day, deviating only slightly, and that made him terrifyingly recognizable. The camera could’ve belonged to someone who would want to hurt Mumbo too, pluck him out of the water or drug him and sell his scales and meat before he had the sense to fight back. Etho had been lucky the first time. But there were no guarantees, not ever.

Mumbo.. Mumbo was surely a mer born of the sun.

Etho wished he’d had a Mumbo back in the deep. Mumbo, who he imagined could get along with anyone. Who was generally friendly, but strong, defensive of his friends and outgoing. Mumbo was massive too, erring on the larger side while Etho tended toward the smaller side, a fact that did Etho zero favors in a social setting. Mumbo didn’t seem like the type of mer to care, though. It didn’t seem like societal norms affected him at all; he wore no clothes or accessories, had no partner’s scale even though he’d have zero trouble pulling just about anyone as far as physical attractiveness goes.

He was a little odd, though. Truly, any mermaid that spent this much time on the surface was a certified freak- it made Etho wonder what Mumbo’s friends back home were like. Surely he had loads, even despite the weeks he spent away from them. Did they miss him? Miss the security of someone so confident in his own skin? Mumbo’s fins did not fall when he saw Etho. Often, he sought Etho out on his own. Not even to translate either, he just.. wanted to be around. Etho found himself pulled from the land where he was watching his phone when Mumbo asked him to come in the water, more easily than anyone else would have been able to manage. Maybe in part this was due to the fact that Mumbo simply did not understand phones or what Etho was waiting for. It did take Mumbo a while to understand things sometimes. Etho didn’t mind.

Etho had started to teach him English. Etho didn’t even know why- he hadn’t wanted to at all! He had expected it to be miserable- it just. Started happening. Mumbo had a lot of questions, and Etho couldn’t deflect everything; honestly, it was just easier to answer bluntly, and that made Mumbo happy, so Etho just started answering more and more, and all of the sudden he was planning lessons. And god it was fun! It was rewarding. Etho couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so hard when Mumbo managed to call Grian annoying, and he didn’t even have the same impulse to laugh in this form.

The only thing that irked Etho about Mumbo is that he seemed to think Etho couldn’t take care of himself, saying so quite rudely multiple times. Etho didn’t have to eat all of the time, and he was Busy, and Mumbo didn’t understand or care What he was doing, just that he wasn’t eating, but mermaids didn’t even HAVE to eat every day, and he was only taking the fish from Mumbo’s dumb courting pile because Scar wouldn’t want them and it was all going to go to waste!

Mumbo could stand to be a little less nurturing- Etho made the mistake of telling him why his back and scales were a tad red when he’d spent too much time in the sun, and now Etho couldn’t go anywhere without a mother hen telling him to ‘be careful!’ and ‘don’t stay out too long!’ and ‘make sure to stay near the sand where the sun can’t get you!’ (not how that works) and ‘stay under me, I’ll block it for you!’ (sickening. also that didn’t stop Etho from getting burnt).

But mostly, it was okay. It was more than okay a lot of the time, and Etho was lucky. He didn’t get to feel lucky very often. It had been so long since he’d made a new friend. And a friend like this- like the sun- Etho wasn’t sure he’d ever been so close with a mermaid before, and it had only been two weeks!

Two.. two weeks..

…

He missed Bdubs. He really, really missed him. He wanted to go home. Mumbo had come to find him around midday, insistent that Etho take a break and go into the water since he didn’t go this morning; ‘Your scales will dry out,’ and ‘Not enough water is just as bad as too much sun.’

Etho knew that. He knew. But he didn’t want to go in the water. He wanted to go home.

He told Mumbo as much.

Mumbo crept halfway out of the water, sidling unsteadily into the leafy alcove Etho had carved out for himself. It was a tight fit, and truth be told, Etho really didn’t want Mumbo in his space right now, but he stopped short when silently, entirely out of nowhere, Mumbo gently took his hand. Touch that was not restricting, allowed escape if Etho didn’t want it. A soft, sickeningly thoughtful sentiment. Mermaids didn’t hold hands. This gesture was human.

‘Come with me, let me teach you to hunt, just for a little while,’ Mumbo whistled, ‘You’ll go home soon. Distract yourself now.’

Etho knew how to catch fish. It was so annoying when Mumbo insisted he didn’t know how- that was not the reason he wasn’t eating! He certainly didn’t need any help!

But he’d take the out.

Gently, Etho squeezed Mumbo’s hand. ‘Okay.’

He’d listen to Mumbo’s gratuitous rambling if it kept the sick ache in his chest at bay. He probably should spend an hour or so in the water anyway..

So they went together. Etho did not let go of Mumbo’s hand, inconvenient for fishing, but extraordinarily entertaining watching Mumbo try and explain to him why they couldn’t hunt like this, Etho pretending simply not to understand. The outing was generally amusing, a suitable revenge for Mumbo’s treating him like a child.

And then Etho started to drown.

#hermitcraft #hermitcraft fic #hermitfic #ethoslab #etho #bdubs #bdoubleo100 #zombiecleo #goodtimeswithscar #mumbo jumbo #mumbomaid au #gtws #joel smallishbeans

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blacksapphhicmaddonna · 11 months

Text

CHAPTER ONE - WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

a/n: hey y'all! so, I tried to post this in response to the anon who asked for a snippet but I saved it as a draft and Tumblr ate it😭 SO THIS IS DEDICATED TO YOU, ANON, WHOEVER YOU ARE!! sorry babes!💔💖💖💖💖

its been a minute since I've written anything fully, this was fun!!! as always, please ignore any grammar/syntax/spelling. I proof read it but you feel me. I'm super excited to be writing something so long and multi chaptered and definitely out of my comfort zone! am I an action girly now? LMFAO but anyway, I'm super open to any feedback and 👀 as always, if you wanna see sum, say sum.

anyway, I love my science gays and I will stan shuriri forever. this is pretty much all angst at this point❤️‍🩹, but I truly hope you enjoy LMFAOOO. lmk how you feel.💗 (and yes, I love a good flashback real bad and ima do it every time if I can. not too much on me LMFAO)

✮ taglist: @mybonafidefeelings@zeezeecave@gr00vyminibus@lppriceisright@darkangelchronicles@princessmel-1995@xenaizogie@nanii2x, and tagging a few folks that enjoyed the sneak peak and a few shuriri/shuri/riri folks who might! @karimwillia @inmyheadimobsessed@mal-urameshi@somethingcleaverandwhitty@imjusthere2readbruv@imagineandwrite there's more but my computer glitching so we gonna get this show on the road! lmk if you'd like to join the taglist or check the link in my tagged post! love y'all, muah

✮ word count: 11,193

✮ panther divider: @firefly-graphics

✮ some of the xhosa translations are from @iinkonde! here's where you can find some of their amazing resources: 1 2 3

Shuri paced the room that seemed to be growing smaller by the millisecond around her, searching for something - anything - inside of the brain most people considered the smartest in the universe to offer the scientist in front of her. She found nothing but the desperation she had been pushing down since the moment they met.

A desperation that mirrored the effects of the herb she had reproduced, also made from the desperation to save something that she felt was slipping through her fingers at the time. Just like the herb had found its way through her body when she first took it, this feeling spread from her throat as she choked when their eyes met as she pushed herself into the dorm room she was once again standing in. Down to her chest, pulling heart strings she didn’t know she had. Plucking them in a rhythm that felt intrinsic, ancestral, almost painful in the way that they made everything feel superimposed. She resisted, but she felt her toes and she felt her finger tips and she felt the curls framing her face dance above her eyes ever so gently. It spread through every atom that comprised the panther and she could barely breathe. She felt everything and she felt nothing, like she was sinking in an ocean of clouds. She could barely look at the woman who was staring back at her with a look of confusion, and an equal desperation that she couldn't explain.

Shuri still had nothing to offer in terms of speech. She paced at a speed that had only just registered as super fucking fast, clearly adding to the concern building in Riri's eyes.

"Shuri-" Riri started, but couldn't even try to finish as her voice had triggered the awaiting and building eruption in Shuri that it always did. Riri, if she did anything to Shuri, she made her feel things she wasn't used to feeling.

"Anything you want, just name it. It's yours. I'll make it happen. I'll build it myself. Just please don't do this. Please." Shuri froze in her place, finding herself begging for something she couldn't explain. She knew she was almost yelling at the other woman, which she would never do but she couldn't find the part of her that could compose herself. She was thankful for the kimoyo beads she had scattered in the room when she entered, enabling a silencing mode and cutting through anything that the government had tapped in Riri's room.

Riri froze too, only moving to fumble with her fingers nervously. She didn't have anything to offer the panther, the queen standing in front of her. She didn't have anything to comfort her friend. The woman she loved more than she could explain. More than almost anything.

"I don't... I don't want anything from you, Shuri... We both knew this day was coming. You had to have thought about it. I thought you were.. I don’t know... It almost felt like-"

"Please, Ri. Please. Just find something and I'll do it. I'll make it myself if I have to. Please just find something else."

"I don't want... I don't understand, Shuri. We only talked about this like twice, I didn't even think you cared that much or even had time to care about it... or me, really. Just... lets just sit down for a second." Riri tried to redirect, trying to give herself time to figure out what was going on. She felt her mind trying to run back through memories and conversations the two had shared in the past year and some change, but it was few and far between that they ever really had time to talk about their lives in depth lately. At first, they talked a lot after they had finally reconnected. They had even spent a few nights together. But lately, Shuri had been working a lot and it seemed like their connection was running dry. Riri had shared her plans a few months ago and hadn't really heard much back from the woman standing in front of her looking like she was fighting a battle she wasn't sure she'd win. Riri had committed herself to this, to showing up and doing what she felt she needed to do to make up for all the ruin she had caused - or at least what she thinks she caused. And now Shuri was trying to offer her a chance out of it. She didn't know what to do or what to think. That's something she felt often with the panther, she figured out. She had zoned out for only a split second before Shuri was grabbing her wrists and looking in her eyes.

"Riri, I'm begging you." Shuri stared into the Iron Heart's eyes, searching for something she knew she was missing. Something she needed the way she needed air, she felt. Riri searched back, trying to decipher something Shuri wasn't ready to let her see.

"Shuri, you know I feel responsible... But, I just.. I don't understand what's going on. What's wrong? Please just talk to me. It's okay." Riri tried to pull them closer, tried to grab the Panther's hand but her grip was too tight around her wrists. Shuri relaxed it, she hadn't intentionally been holding on so tight but she wasn't ready to let go. She's never been ready to let go of who she loves. She saw that same resolute look in Riri's eyes that was always there when she was sure about something. It broke something in Shuri that she knew she couldn't mend on her own. One final try, she told herself.

"I will give you anything under the sun. Please just don't go to them. Don’t go to him. I- I know you're trying to help and change things for the better, and you will. But not like this. Not until it's safe. He will find you, Riri. He will do anything to get to you and to get back at me. You know this and you still choose to go? You don’t have to make this easy for him. We can figure this out a different way. Please. I will give you access to all the technology Wakanda has to offer, just please find something else to focus on, to take place of this. Please."

Riri tried to pull her closer again but the panther moved back, sending a shiver of rejection up Riri's spine.

"I don't want anything from you, Shuri... I just want you. I- I mean I just want you to-"

Shuri felt her body getting hot and somehow freezing at the same time. Riri just wanted her? But she also wanted to go on this suicide mission, which is what it was regardless of what Riri thought of it. She fought back the defensiveness she felt crawling up her throat like it always did when she was hurt. She didn't want to lash out on Riri, she only wanted to protect her. She only wanted her to be safe, alive. She only wanted her. But it was to no avail. She felt the ferocious beast pull itself through her. She scorned herself as her words burned their way through her skin, landing on Riri's.

"You just want whatever you want. You just want to fight whatever moral war you have going on because you're the one who survived! You would give up your life for what? For who? Not for my mother! Not for me!"

Riri hadn't noticed the tears stinging down her cheeks until she saw the ones pouring out of Shuri's. It was something she had never seen before. She had seen Shuri lash out, though. She knew this was just the first wall of defense the panther had when she felt hurt, afraid, abandoned. She couldn't take this personally, though she had to fight back the sting of the words as they came at her. She reached out to try and touch the woman in front of her.

"Shuri, please. Let's just ta-"

"What?! Sit and talk? For what? For you to tell me again why you have to do this, why you have to go and die? Do you care so little for me? For yourself?"

"You know that's not true!"

"Why wouldn't it be true?! Ungayenza njani le nto kum!?"

"Please just listen to me! I don't know what's going on but we can talk about it! I'm right here, I'm right here!"

"But you won't be after this! You don't have to do this! Just let me try, let me show you that there's other things to give you purpose, there’s other ways we can handle this! PLEASE!" Shuri felt herself starting to cave in, her chest becoming a cavern filled with the screams of the orphaned girl inside of her. The girl who needed her family. The girl who couldn't save her brother. The girl who was held back from her mother as she drowned. The woman who loves women, specifically the woman in front of her who was planning to give herself up. She couldn't keep it together. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think.

"That's not for you to decide, Shuri!" Riri shot back, starting to feel the same layer of armor pull itself over her. She didn't like being yelled at. It triggered something in her that she herself had pushed back as far as it would go. She just needed to get Shuri to listen to her.

"I don't care! You can't do this Riri!"

"Please stop yelling at me!" Riri gave in, covering her ears and turning her back to the panther, who felt herself go still. She hadn't meant to unleash this part of herself. She felt embarrassment mixing with her desperation, afraid she had only made things worse. Who was she to be trying to control the actions of a woman she only met a little over a year ago? Who she was just friends with, and barely that if you based it off what normal friendships looked like. They rarely even spoke for longer than a few minutes every couple days and that wasn’t even true anymore. Shuri scorned herself for the time she hadn’t spent with her, for the time she had been forced to spend trying to fix, defend or save her country. She resented her royal blood now more than ever, wishing she could be nothing more than a girl again. Maybe a student. Maybe just different. Shuri felt herself starting to crack, she felt like she would disintegrate if she stood there any longer. She had done enough damage. She and Wakanda and the Talokan had put Riri through enough and she knew that. She could see why Riri would think this guilt was hers to bare but Shuri knew better, knew more secrets. She knew that her father and his father and so on hadn’t handled things right, and no matter the good T’Challa had tried to do - maybe he didn’t do it right either. So now it laid in her hands, forced once again to stand in the way of something she wasn’t ready for. She felt bad for herself, but she felt worse for Riri. She wishes she had never sent her home with the beads, that they had never touched hands, that they had never even met. Maybe if no one ever knew about Vibranium, no one would be trying to take it. Or maybe if the world had always known, if her ancestors had done things differently, this wouldn’t be Riri’s life. She was part of the lost tribe, as N’Jadaka would call it. Maybe he was right. She didn’t know what to think, but she also knew who she was, herself. She was the most powerful person on the surface world and she was the Queen of the most powerful nation in the world. And she was in love, helplessly, with Riri Williams. She would not let her go again.

"I am sorry for coming here and making you upset." Shuri said blankly, masking any emotions she had just shattered into the room as best as she could to regain any self control she had left.

Riri turned around, tears still swelling in her eyes. She hiccuped and it made Shuri's heart pound.

"I-it's okay. I just don't like b-being yelled at. Can we just sit and talk?"

Shuri nodded, knowing Riri needed a minute. Riri turned to grab a blanket off her bed to wrap herself in as she took a seat on the floor in front of her bed. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before motioning to Shuri to sit next to her. Shuri stared at her for a moment too long, before kneeling down next to her. They sat in silence that wasn't comfortable for the first time in a long time. Neither missed this feeling, the feeling of such uncertainty between them. Sure, it was always there, biting at the backs of their minds and hearts. But they had both worked hard to be comfortable with just having what they had. But now more than ever, neither was sure what was really going on. Shuri mirrored Riri, taking a few deep breaths. Riri felt herself relax, misreading the quiet sigh Shuri let out.

"Are we okay? I don't want us to fight. I just... need you to help me understand why you're so upset. It didn't seem like you even really cared about this. I know you've been busy with what you have going on so I just figured this... I.. wasn't really on your radar anymore."

Shuri stayed silent, fighting that feeling nudging her.

"Please say something." Riri pleaded quietly after a few too many more moments of silence. She couldn't stand it. Neither could Shuri. She needed to escape. Get out of the room, out of America. She needed to run and scream and break something. She needed to kill Namor. That was her only option, once again. She knew it would come. She knew the fate of her country would be in the air again, and part of her knew she shouldn’t do it. Equal parts yes and no. Blood on either hand, regardless of what choice she made. But she also knew that Riri's life was once again in question and there was only one answer Shuri would accept. She would deal with the aftermath the same way she had been. She would accept whatever came. She knew she wasn't thinking clearly, that maybe she would be exiled or worse, but she also knew she couldn't live with herself if Riri wasn't alive tomorrow, and that was enough for her right now. If Riri wouldn't listen, then there was only one choice.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Riri. It won't ever happen again."

Riri was startled at the sincerity in the Panther's voice. She was confused why that was what Shuri felt she had to focus on in the midst of whatever the hell was going on.

"It's okay, I promise. I'm not mad at you for yelling at me. I'm just confused..."

"It's not okay. This, whatever you're planning, whatever he's planning... None of this is okay." Shuri said, pinching between her eyes as she tried to swallow the same beast from just a few minutes ago.

"Shuri... it's not like before. It's not about him. It's not even just about what happened in Wakanda. You know I'm Iron Heart. You knew I was going to start doing these things at some point. Missions that weren’t just flying around Chicago and Boston stopping robberies. And you know that something has to be done. And I can’t let this go on again when we all know it’s my fault.” Riri sighed. “We all know it is. So, please just try to hear me..."

"I have always heard you, Riri."

Riri digested that sentence with a gulp. She replied after a moment.

"Then let me hear you, for once. Tell me why you're here. Tell me why you're reacting like this. Tell me who you are and what you're feeling. Let me in, Shuri." She said, reaching out to grab Shuri's hand again. The Panther's hand was hot, almost burning. She didn't pull away this time.

"I'm here because I lo-.. Because I won't let this happen." Shuri caught herself before she said something she couldn't explain. Riri looked into Shuri's eyes with a pleading, less sure look. Shuri couldn't hold it this time. She couldn't freeze. She couldn't tell Riri. She reminded herself what happens every time she loves someone. She reminded herself of what she was capable of and what needed to be done. Regardless if Riri ever shared her feelings or not, she would swear her life to protecting the woman until the day she met the ancestors and maybe after if she could. She would do whatever it took, every time, no matter what, she resigned to herself. She squeezed Riri's hand.

"What're you gonna do? Lock me in my room, Shuri? I don't get what's going on!" Riri pleaded.

"I would never. You are not a prisoner or someone I want to control. You are free to do as you please, just as I am. Please understand that much."

"What does that mean... Wait, please don't go!" Riri tugged back at Shuri's hand again as the Panther got up to leave. Shuri looked down at their hands touching, taking in every second that their skin touched. She remembered what it felt like to reconnect after a long time apart. She wishes she could live in it like she had before. She brought their foreheads together and closed her eyes.

"I will protect you with every part of me. The cost will never be too much."

"Shuri, please don't do what I think you're about to do..." Riri pulled Shuri's hands into hers and brought them to the sides of their faces. They were so close they could feel each other's breath on their lips. Riri prayed in her head that Shuri would listen to her, knowing the strength and power the woman in front of her wielded. Shuri choked out a pained laugh before kissing Riri's forehead and pulling away, taking in the scent of Ghanian Shea Butter and the sweet scent Riri always had.

"Andizukuphulukana nawe. Impilo yami ngeke ibe lutho ngaphandle kwakho, Riri Williams."

Before Riri could open her eyes, the Black Panther was gone, the sound of a closing door shaking Riri to her core. She felt like she was in shock, having nothing to do but curl into a ball and pull the blanket around her body, covering her face as she let the rest of the tears fall silently. She laid there for what felt like an eternity until she heard a familiar voice call out to her.

"Miss Williams?" Riri jumped up, running around her room tracking down the voice. She picked up a purple and black kimoyo bead and held it up, suddenly seeing several others connect like magnets from across the other corners of the room.

"Griot?!" Riri both yelled and whispered.

"Hello, Miss Williams. Are you feeling alright?" Griot asked as the AI began taking a scan of her body to check her vitals.

"I've been better... what's going on? Why are you here? Not that it's not nice to... well you get what I mean!"

"It seems you have suffered a panic attack of sorts. Please get some water and take a seat before I proceed."

Riri rolled her eyes with a tired huff, giving in because she knew Griot wouldn't budge until she obliged. She grabbed a half empty bottle of water from her desk and sat back down near her bed, pulling the blanket up around her. She suddenly felt the absence of Shuri in her space and fought back the tears threatening to make way through her as she pulled the bracelet on, watching it activate. She had felt this way before, but it was different now.

"Feeling better, Miss Williams?"

"Just Riri is fine, and I guess. Can you explain what's going on now, please Griot?"

"Yes, Miss Riri." Griot replied as a hologram of Stark Tech floated in front of the scientist. She felt even more confused.

"Why are you showing me Stark Tech?"

"The panther has created and assigned your own AI for you, it's name is VIV. It is nearly identical to the JARVIS, or Vision, that Tony Stark had. It has been being developed for over a year, and seems to have just finished."

"What the fu-"

"The Panther also has an updated version of your vibranium Iron Heart suit on it's way to your lab location, or garage currently. She has given you access to me as well, with some restrictions. She has instructed me to inform you of this when the AI download is complete."

Riri sat in even more shock than she was in before. She was even more confused about Shuri's intentions now. More confused about her feelings, than anything. She replayed the words the panther had said to her before she left, she knew some Xhosa but it wasn’t great.

"Can you translate what Shuri said to me in Xhosa before she left, Griot?" Riri asked, hoping for some clarity. Griot calculated for a moment, before answering.

"It would seem I am not permitted to complete that task at this time, Miss Riri."

Riri felt a pang of frustration rise in her, as she let out a laugh.

"Of course not... Can you tell me where the panther is right now?"

Griot took a moment again before answering.

"The Queen was on her way back towards Wakanda as of her last status, but it would seem she has powered off her location devices. Would you like me to contact her for you?"

Riri sat for a moment, considering her options and her own feelings.

"No, that's alright Griot. We're going to my lab. Can you help me boot up VIV when we get there? We're going on a trip."

"As you wish, Miss Riri."

Riri stood up, grabbing a hoodie and sliding on some J's. Before she walked out the door, she slid on the kimoyo beads and asked a final question.

"Oh, one last thing Griot. Can you turn on privacy mode? I would like my location hidden from everyone, including the Panther. Can you do that?"

"It seems I can, but I would not advise that action Miss Riri. There are safety protocols in place that the Panther can activate for you remotely."

"That's fine, just turn it on. I have my own safety protocols."

"As you wish, Miss Riri."

"Thank you, Griot."

Riri made her way to her garage in no time, paying no mind to the world around her or the messages on her phone from MJ about their project. When she got there, she did decide to shoot her a quick text explaining that she was heading home to Chicago for a family emergency, that MJ could find her portion already done on a small drive in her room and that she had permission to break in, and that she would make it up to her later. MJ did reply, but Riri didn’t have time for that. She got to work, with the help of Griot, or the portion of him that she was allowed to operate, and booted up her own AI and implemented it into her nano suit. The one from wakanda was on its way but wouldn’t be there in time. Thankfully, she didn’t have to meet with Namor for another day and a half. She needed to think quickly but after working everything out with her suit, she was unsure where to go from there.

“Griot, can I use both you and VIV?”

“Yes, but you likely will not need me once the AI is turned on. I will be there when you need me, though Miss Riri.”

“Thank you Griot.” Riri smiled to herself, always fond of Griot and their robot voice. It made her think about the time she spent in the lab with Shuri, where they would borderline argue and Riri would laugh at them. This brought back that pang in her stomach and chest. She got to work on turning on and engaging with the AI so that it could mold to her needs, voice and patterns. After about an hour, she felt ready to head off. Except she had no idea how to get to Wakanda, let alone how to get in. She ruffled through her bookbag to find the information Namor had sent for her. A small teal envelope with her name on it, looking like it was written with a quill and ink. She shuddered at the thought of how old this man was and how intentional he had been to get this note to her. She opened it and read over it again, hoping to find more information than last time. Then, an idea came to mind.

“Hey VIV, and Griot, not that I don’t think you can handle it by yourself VIV. But uh, can you both scan this for me? I don’t have my Black light. Look for anything and everything. Cross reference what you find, if anything. Please.”

“Yes IronHeart.” “Yes, Miss Riri.” They both answered in tandem. While they got to work, Riri sat down finally to think about what she could do. She couldn’t exactly call up the avengers to help her figure this out. She had to be lowkey, she had to be smart, and she needed it to work. She had only been to Wakanda once, and wasn’t really in the know about how to travel there let alone get through the border forcefield. As she went over all she did know, trying to remember any details that would help, the AI duo alerted her.

Griot speaking first, since VIV seemed to sense a deeper trust from the IronHeart’s patterns.

“There are markings on the back that would indicate a geolocation where Namor would like you to meet.”

“So, coordinates? I can work with that.” Riri said out loud, still trying to figure out exactly how she could work with that. Until she looked over at her father’s red car, in pristine condition thanks to Shuri. And it dawned on her.

“Griot, do you have contact information for anybody besides Shuri?”

“I have contact information for Queen Shuri, and Okoye, former general of the Dora Milage.”

“Perfect. Please contact her now.”

“Yes, Miss Riri.”

“Wait, before you do, please transfer this contact information over to VIV. I’m not sure if Shuri knows that I have VIV yet, but in case she does, I don’t doubt that she would shut you down.” Riri explains to her favorite robot as if they needed it. Griot complied and sent a call out to Okoye.

Riri waited, holding her breath. She wasn’t sure is Okoye would answer, or even be willing to help. But this is what she had to work with.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Okoye answered.

“Small girl. Is everything alright?” Okoye answered seeming cheerful enough to hear from the girl but not without worry for the cause. Riri took a deep breath and explained the situation, truthfully, to the best of her ability. Somehow, as a surprise to both of them, Okoye was on her way in a matter of minutes as a Midnight Angel, with a jet that Shuri had let her keep. They both knew Shuri would be upset, but somehow it didn’t matter enough to let her get to Namor. They both knew what could happen, and what Shuri would likely do.

No time was wasted when Okoye arrived, Riri running in the open hatch as fast as she could. Okoye pulled off without a trace, both of them hoping they hadn’t alerted any American law enforcement this time.

Okoye charted course for Wakanda and they both sat in near silence for most of the ride, only sharing a few words when Riri boarded, Riri showing Okoye the letter before she began piloting. They would make it in time. Riri sat near the back, not feeling like she belonged at the mantle of the machine. She had always liked these, having begged Shuri to teach her how to fly one before they set off for war. Riri sunk into her feelings that she had been trying to keep at bay since finding out about the AI. Before Shuri came, she honestly really wasn’t sure what she was going to do or how she was going to do it. But it seemed like the timing would suggest that she was supposed to, whether she really wanted to believe that or not. She didn’t want to believe that she was this horrible monster who brought death and destruction with her everywhere she went, but sometimes she really did. She tried to fight those thoughts back and began to feel the weight of her body, sinking into the seat. Sinking was a familiar feeling to her. She tried to remember how to swim in her own thoughts. She remembered how Shuri would talk her through her episodes. How she would call right away when she sensed anything off, even if Riri wasn’t wearing her beads. She remembered how it felt to think everything would be okay, and how often that was proved to be untrue.

It was too easy to remember. Too easy to feel like it was just yesterday. Riri couldn't keep her mind from wandering back in time while the Wakandan jet made its way through the air. Trying to focus on anything else, trying to pay attention to the Dora silently flying or guarding the exit, trying to watch the sky around her. Anything. She couldn't bite down hard enough on the inside of her cheek, leaving a sore mark wasn't enough to keep her mind from its current occupation.

"What are you doing here?!" The shorter of the two screamed, almost screeched as she ran into the panther's arms.

"I had some time to myself finally. Where else would I go?" Shuri chuckled as she picked the scientist up.

"You could literally go anywhere in the world and probably... out of the world? At this point with Wakandan tech." Riri explained, seriously, as she hung onto the slim but toned body holding her off the ground with ease, not realizing she was holding on as tight as she was. Not realizing there was nowhere else Shuri would have gone. Nowhere.

"You're so... anyway, what should we do?"

"How long do we have?" Riri asked as she pulled back, not even trying to contain her wide grin that was plastered across her face. Shuri recorded it to memory, as she always did with the smaller woman's features.

"96 hours. Well, 96-ish, less now that we've been standing here debating where I could've gone." Shuri jokes as she lets go, making sure Riri found her footing.

"Shut up! Four days?! We have so much to do!" Riri definitely screeched this time, pretending to slap Shuri's arm. Fighting the urge to grab it and pull her in, Shuri picks up Riri's book bag from where she dropped it and places it in her desk chair as she walks to the bed and pulls her own bag out from under the bed.

"Exactly how long have you been here? You seem comfortable." Riri jokes as she grabs two waters from her mini fridge and hops up on her bed.

"I am." Shuri chuckles at the sight of the shorter woman having to jump to get on the bed. "And since your first class."

"Are you serious?! Why didn't you say anything dickhead?!"

"Ouch!" Shuri feigns pain as she catches the pillow Riri throws at her head and plops on the bed next to her. "I had a few things to handle, and needed to secure the dorm building. I didn't want to disrupt your day, I know midterms are coming up no?"

"Yeah, they are but you could've let a bitch know! I would've cleaned!" Riri states, noticing that she sounds much like her mother.

"I like your mess." Shuri smiles.

"Shut up. How did you secure the whole dorm building?"

"Well, I hope you don't mind. I have beads in every corner of the building. And a few around campus as well. Including in here. Is that alright with you?"

"Sheesh. Do I have a choice?" Riri jokes, but Shuri nervously answers.

"Yes of course! If it's not comfortable for you, I can sleep at a hotel. I should've asked, I'm sorry about that. Next time I'll-"

"There's a next time too?"

"Well, if you'd li-"

"Are you crazy?! Of course! And yeah yeah, that's all fine with me. I get it. Don't start worrying about it or nun. I was just curious."

Shuri's smile returns and she relaxes back into the bed. It was oddly comfortable, being that the last time she was here was before the war. Sure, they'd been talking for months over facetimes and calls. And texts. And letters.. oddly, but not to them. They were both truly as desperate as they felt, but excused it since it seemed mutual - opting to call it a mutual interest in friendship, as opposed to what it really was in the bigger picture. And sure, they had seen each other one other time, but it was so brief that it shouldn't really count - although it did, to both of them.

Shuri had arrived at an American event in Boston, forced to show face by the elders after the uproar surrounding her mother and everything. She felt it was too soon and didn't make sense to attend a tech gala when none of it was even touching Wakandan tech. But regardless, she put on her best suit and went, disregarding the elder's request for her to wear traditional royal attire. She sat there, wishing she hadn't come, while big investors droned on. The only part that peaked her interest was listening to the stories of young inventors. They reminded her of herself, so excited and in a hurry. They reminded her of someone else too. Someone she had been longing to see since she left Wakanda only a few months ago at the time.

Shuri muddled around the thought of calling Riri, or just showing up at her dorm. She knew she had responsibilities to attend to the next afternoon after she returned home, and it really hadn't been that long. Maybe Riri wasn't ready to see her yet? Or maybe she never would be. Or maybe Shuri had really made their connection up in her own mind. Or maybe she didn't? And maybe she should just call her, or maybe send her a quick text to keep it more casual? Keep what, casual exactly? She wasn't sure. She paced around her own mind anxiously the entire night, not realizing it was her turn to speak until the Doras were next to her asking if she was alright. She collected herself and headed to the stage, performing a speech much like her brother had about the importance of innovation, supporting the youth - especially the Black and Brown youth, etc. She meant what she said but she hardly felt as connected or present with it as she was when she wrote it. Still circling her mind was her favorite innovator, the scientist who made everything make sense to her. Pining so badly, by the end of her speech she had resolved to call Riri. Faking her smiles through the eruption of clapping and handshakes as she left the stage, she made her way back to her seat while the closing speech began - only to lose her resolve when Ayo bent down to whisper a reminder of their exit plan and their intended arrival time back in Wakanda.

She had known it was a foolish thought. Who even knew what the small scientist would be doing at this time? She could be working, studying, partying. God, Shuri hoped not but recoiled at her own thoughts. She wasn't heteronormative and she wasn't the toxic type. She just also felt jealous of anybody and anything that got to be around Riri when she wasn't. Which was most times. Essentially all the time. Really, she reasoned with herself, she had only been around Riri for a few days and it had been against her will anyway. Maybe she really was making all of this up in her head.

The Queen of Wakanda continued her mental pace as she made her exit, later than most guests and certainly not from the front entrance. She walked through the beautiful building with the Doras who were talking amongst themselves about logistics, seemingly all having caught onto another one of Shuri's "moods". Shuri paid them no mind, as they expected, while she began brooding. What was the point of coming to America, aside from like... the actual point, politically - if not to see her scientist? She caught herself scoffing at "her scientist", making fun of herself in her head as they headed outside and around the back when the Doras suddenly stood alert around her. Shuri looked around her and back at her beads quickly, doing a quick scan of their surroundings, only to hear a small, out of breath "Hey" from her left.

"Williams?"

"Yeah, yeah.. haha. Hoo. Crazy catching you here." Riri joked awkwardly as she tried to catch her breath from clearing having run.

"Yes, well I was-"

"Giving a speech. I saw on tv. Just happened to be in the neighborhood myself so I figured I'd uh, say hi." Riri cut the Panther off as she caught her bearings and finally made eye contact. Shuri made contact back, silently signaling for the Dora to drop their guard. Ayo looked between them but of course followed command. Shuri stepped between them and closer to the scientist, who was now twiddling her fingers and looking anywhere but at Shuri. Just like she did in Wakanda. Just like Shuri had replayed in her head a billion times over. While Shuri took the absence of eye contact as a chance to damn near gawk at the smaller woman, Riri was doing her own mental laps.

She also questioned her intentions and if she had been making this all up. She also questioned how crazy she must look, showing up here like this. She couldn't stop herself, leaving MJ, Peter and Ned in her OWN room after they had been flipping through channels and Riri caught a glimpse. That was all it took, one, maybe two seconds and she was out the door. And granted, she kind of was in the neighborhood. If you consider being four miles away in the neighborhood. She had considered grabbing her car from the garage but figured it would take too long, so she jumped in her nano suit her and Peter had been working on (that definitely still needed some work), and flew over. Of course she couldn't land in front of everyone, so she landed in a park a few blocks away and took off on foot. None of which she will EVER tell anybody, although she could barely remember her excuse to the three friends she left in her dorm as she forced herself to look back up and meet Shuri's eyes.

"In the neighborhood?"

"You could say that." Riri joked awkwardly again.

This made Shuri laugh. Riri had that effect on her, she had learned during their late night lab sessions. Even in the midst of the grimmest of days and a literal war, Riri had Shuri laughing so hard she cried a few times. They both seemed to be thinking back while they laughed together and smiled at each other shyly until Ayo cleared her throat.

"We must get going, Kumkanikazi." Both women seemed to jump a bit, having been pulled out of their staring contest. Riri shuddered at hearing Shuri be called that, she recognized it from when Okoye would speak about Queen Ramonda. She had done her best to pick up on as much of the language as she could when she was there, for some reason unknown to her - she just figured it would come in handy. But now, hearing it and knowing it meant Queen, shook her to her core. She remembered why she hadn't reached out, the guilt that sat in her bones about it. She nearly turned on her heels until she heard Shuri speak.

"One moment please."

"My Queen, we really must-" Ayo begun speaking in Xhosa but was cut off by the Panther Queen.

"Please. One moment." Shuri said, a command but almost begging, not turning to face the general one step to the side of her. She pulled at the necklace around her neck and Ayo nodded silently.

"I will ready the jet." Ayo answered and turned around, her and the two other Dora briskly walking to the jet that was just now coming into Riri's focus. She assumed it was using the new camouflage tech she had heard mentioned before she left Wakanda.

"Those things get cooler every time."

"Yeah, I suppose they do." Shuri laughed half heartedly. They both tried to speak but cut each other off.

"So-"

"I do-"

"You first." They both sheepishly smiled as they spoke in unison. but Riri insisted. "Go ahead, please."

Shuri would've resisted if she wasn't so desperate and struggling against showing it.

"How have you been? I've mis- I've been wondering. We haven't spoken since you left." Shuri caught herself, suddenly feeling like twiddling her fingers and looking at her shoes too but she resisted that too. She was good at resisting.

"Oh.. well yeah. I've been. You know, school, work. Just been trying to get through the semester. I wanted to re- well I wondered how you've been too."

"I've been, too." Shuri shrugged with a smile. She wanted to know more, everything. To devour the stories Riri could tell her, even the most mundane. She wanted to know what pencils she used to write equations and what she thought of the food in her cafeteria. Riri just smiled, feeling the weight again. She knew Shuri hadn't been good, and she knew she hadn't either.

"Can I ask you-" They both spoke in unison again.

"You first." Riri insisted again, before Shuri could. Shuri didn't like it but she also didn't have much time to waste.

"Why didn't you reach out?" She asked, leaving Riri out of breath all over again. After a second that seemed like a million, Riri answered.

"I didn't know how." She said truthfully.

"I left you beads. Maybe I should've left a note too. I'm sorry, I figured you'd-"

"No, no. Not like that. I figured that out, it was actually pretty easy." Riri smiled, thinking about how much fun it was to try to get the beads to work. Fun until it wasn't. Fun until she heard Shuri's voice message and left it for months.

"Then you didn't want to?"

"No, I did. I just didn't know... how. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. But trust me, I wanted to. I really wanted to." Riri said earnestly and more quiet than she intended. Shuri believed her and took her answer, even if she didn't like it. Again resisting herself. Resisting Riri.

"I understand. Thank you for letting me know. Well..." She looked back at the Jet and sighed. They made eye contact before Shuri decided it would be best to count her losses in her own country, turning to leave.

"Wait, I still have a question!" Riri almost shouted. "If that's okay... of course." She said more quiet. Shuri turned around eager to hear. Hoping. Resisting. But hoping. She nodded her head.

"Well..." Riri twisted her fingers around in her hands. She still didn't know what to say or how to say it. But she didn't have much time to waste.

"Well?" Shuri asked, trying not to sound pushy but anxious to know.

"Is it too late?" Riri asked, looking back up at the woman in front of her. The face she had committed to memory, but a bit different. More mature. Somehow even more beautiful. Shuri said nothing.

"...To reach out... To talk?" Riri finally drove it home, sending a silent prayer to whoever would answer that she wouldn't further embarrass herself.

Startling the both of them, Shuri's beads lit up and Ayo's face appeared.

"My apologies my Queen, but if we do not leave in the next three minutes, you may be late to your engagements tomorrow."

"Yes, thank you. I'm coming." Shuri said back, eyes still on Riri.

Riri felt defeated as she watched the panther tuck her beads back up her sleeve. It probably was too late. And who knows. Maybe it was the right thing to do to not stay in contact. Maybe that's what was best for Wakanda or Shuri. She remembered her mother always telling her that sometimes "doing the right thing feels like shit". In this case, she thought, it felt worse than shitty.

That was until Shuri grabbed her hand. Softly, almost too soft in comparison to what you'd expect from a super powered panther. It was so soft yet sent a shiver through Riri, like electricity was coursing through her. Like her heart was beating for the first time. The eye contact was somehow not as awkward as it was a second ago when they were standing a few feet apart. It was like they were all alone.

"Use the beads. If they need to charge, just set them in the sun but they shouldn't."

"Oh- Okay. I will. I will." Riri said twice, almost like she was confirming with herself first and the Shuri.

"Good." Shuri smiled. She took a step closer before she heard another beep on her own beads. Before the General could speak, Shuri was already responding.

"I heard you. I'm coming."

She looked at Riri again and sighed, and suddenly Riri saw just how exhausted the Panther really was. And maybe something else too. Shuri stepped back again, not wanting to let go of Riri's hand.

"It'll never be too late. I'll see you soon?" Shuri said, finally letting go and letting the physical distance regrow between them, hoping that the emotional distance wouldn't grow again too.

Riri watched as the panther walked back to the jet and boarded, looking back only once, only long enough to catch Riri's small wave but not return it. The younger scientist stood there feeling disassociated, unsure of what to do next. Really, she knew she had to go back to her dorm and go back to living her real life just like she had after she left Wakanda. Although, as dreary as that still seemed to her, this time felt different. Like there was something to look forward to, if she had the balls to actually use the beads like Shuri had said. She mulled over whether or not it was an instruction or a question from the Panther as she chose not to watch the jet fly off behind her. She heard the media start to buzz again when they heard the jet, upset that they had missed the person they were waiting for. Yet, Riri stood there and stared at the ground where Shuri was just standing. She still felt that pathetic feeling, and worried that she hadn't had a chance to explain how she found Shuri or even knew she would be there. She felt the weight of grief again, after seeing how tired Shuri looked when you really looked at her. And she felt guilty, for feeling excited. For feeling the butterflies she always pretended she didn't feel. She wondered, briefly, how Shuri was feeling right now but per usual, tried not to wonder too much as to not become delusional. She knew better than anybody that assuming to know how someone else thinks is the worst mistake you can make.

Shuri, back in the jet that was flying faster than she would like, was afflicted by similar thoughts. She wondered how Riri had found her and wondered if she really was as lucky as that just felt. She wondered why the girl even came. She wondered if she thinks about her too. She wondered if Riri would use the beads. She sat awake, replaying every moment of their time together since their first encounter over and over until they arrived in Wakanda, despite the Doras concerns for her not getting rest. Shuri would rest when things were well enough for her to rest, she told herself, but even she was starting to notice the cracks. She knew she could only stay awake for so many days until her body would shut down. She had secretly tried some of the elixirs and teas that both Nakia and Aneka had sent her, and she had read what Okoye sent her after hearing everything. She had slept every now and then, but it was never restful. It was never without torment from some figment of her mind taking shape of someone she wasn't ready to face - whether that be Namor, N'jdaka, or her mother. She always prayed for T'Challa to appear, who she wasn't sure if she was ready to see but longed for the comfort of his voice or face, but each time her body fell asleep, her mind fell into a well pit of despair.

That is, until later that night. Shuri had been through her daily responsibilities after making it back to Wakanda. Once her meetings were over, she made her way to the lab. She did her best to avoid checking the status of Riri's beads, trying to keep her mind busy as she usually did. It was harder this time, knowing that she'd actually spoken to the girl. After bopping around a bit, her body started to feel the weight of the past few days. She hadn't been physically training as much as she should've the past few weeks, because she knew it would knock her out but she was starting to feel stiff. She finally let up and sat down at one of her desks in a back room of the lab after Griot had let her know her vitals. She didn't usually sit in this room, so she hadn't been aware of what was placed in there. As she lazily sifted through the papers on the desk to try to keep her mind occupied, she saw blueprints for Riri's Iron Heart suit. The same feeling of nervousness and excitement rose in her as she more hurriedly looked over them. Despite all the work they did together, she never really got to see too much of Riri's initial process from scratch. She ran her slender fingers over Riri's pencil marks, reading over all her notes to herself.

With a yawn, Shuri sat back and relished in the fact that Riri actually existed. Sometimes, when Shuri was really out of it, she couldn't believe that everything really happened. She was sometimes convinced she would wake up and her mother would still be here, or that Riri was just a figment of her desperate imagination. Sure, having her mother back would be... well, everything. But it scared Shuri to think Riri might not have been real, that she didn't really happen. She felt selfish for this, knowing that Riri's life would probably be better without the trauma she endured in Wakanda. But nevertheless, Shuri held on tight to the memories she had of the woman, hoping that they would be enough for her.

She thought about how it felt to hold Riri's hand, to touch her skin again. It was just as soft and delicate as it had been when they parted ways a few months ago. Her face looked the same, maybe more mature in some ways. She looked tired too, underneath the face she put on for other people. They had gotten past that with each other during their long nights alone working together in the lab.

She thought about what it would feel like to fall asleep in Riri's bed. The mattress probably wasn't super comfortable but she remembers all the colorful pillows she has, messily strewn across the surface. The different colored blankets would probably fit them both well, even with the little space a twin bed supplies. They would have to be close, touching. Shuri imagined breathing in sync, feeling Riri's ribcage rise and fall in her arms while they were pressed against each other. She thought about how Riri smells. She's been trying to replicate it for months. She thought about breathing her in, laying her face in the crook of her neck and sleeping. Not thinking. Sleeping. Not even having to dream. She thought about waking up next to her, seeing her sleeping still until Shuri shifted too much by accident. Riri waking up and no doubt saying something funny. Or soft. Or just saying hello. How her eyes would look. She thought about not being afraid to make it real, that in her thoughts she didn't have to pretend that these touches were by accident or out of necessity. That they could spend an eternity, wrapped in colorful blankets, sleeping and touching skin to skin. That maybe Riri would feel the same, and they would laugh about how long it took to figure it out. That they would laugh until they couldn't, and talk until they couldn't, and then they would kiss. And everything would melt away, and neither would know where their skin would begin or end. And they would kiss until they couldn't. And they'd sleep.

She hadn't realized she had fallen asleep at the desk until she heard Griot's voice.

"Sorry to startle you, Panther. But, Miss Williams is trying to contact you. How would you like me to proceed?"

Shuri was shook, unsure of what she looked like or even what time it was. She felt nervous. She felt groggy, not even sure if this was real either. Nevertheless, she answered.

"Patch me through, please."

She waited a moment with bated breath, hoping this wasn't a dream or some fluke. Until she heard a familiar voice.

"Hello?" Riri asked, sounding nervous herself. Shuri wondered what time it was there, too.

"Hey." She said, in a more relaxed tone. Even if this wasn't real, it was still the best dream she'd had in months. Maybe ever.

And they talked, for a long time. Eventually working through any awkwardness. Riri never explained how she made it to the Panther, and the Panther never asked. She did explain, however, why it took so long for her to call. Shuri just listened and let herself laugh, like she'd been dreaming about. Finally feeling free for a little bit, even if it was just for a little bit.

On the other side of things, once Riri had cleared everyone out of her room when she got back and promising to explain to MJ later, she had sat down and thought about what to do. That turned into pacing and talking outloud. She had been avoiding the beads like the plague for months, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what choice would cause the least harm, since she already felt guilty for what she had caused. She found herself awake all night feeling anxious. She left for class that morning, deciding that she would get through her day and take a nap. She would figure it out after that. What she didn't tell Shuri, is how hard its been to sleep since she left Wakanda, or really even how hard it was while she was there. But when she tried to take a nap, she realized that all she dreamed about this time was Shuri and how soft her hand was when they had touched and how peaceful it felt to talk to her, even if only for a few moments and only a few words. She decided when she woke up that even if they ended up never talking again, she would keep her promise and use the beads.

And that's what she did. And that's what they kept doing, for weeks and months. They talked, they listened, they laughed, and on rare occasion, fell asleep. Both free from nightmares, even if just for a little while. Until Shuri finally arrived.

And finally, they had some time to really figure things out. Shuri promised she wasn't missing anything important by being there, and that she had allotted enough time. Riri was still unsure about it but couldn't resist the opportunity to finally see the woman she had been pining over for months - as a friend, of course.

As Riri remembered back fondly, she had forgotten what was ahead of her until she was jolted by turbulence that was usually well controlled by the Wakandan tech in the fighter jet. She couldn't process how she could possibly be on her way to confront the man that almost killed her and did actually kill the Queen of Wakanda. She couldn't fathom that she was racing there, against her love, her best friend, to make sure she didn't kill him first. Suddenly her clothes all felt too tight, and her suit felt heavy despite being nano. Suddenly the air felt hot and her lungs felt empty and she felt dizzy. She had felt all of this before, a panic attack. Riri Williams was no stranger to a panic attack. Not before Wakanda, and definitely not after. Though, for the past few months, she had always had Shuri to help ground her. Now, she was floating in the air, literally and figuratively. Everything was moving so fast. She felt herself spiraling and cursing herself in the process, unable to stop it but ashamed nonetheless. She had worked hard, since she was younger, to have a control over her emotions and thoughts. She needed to, especially if she was going to take this super hero shit serious. Especially if she was going to be there for her mom and sister after her dad passed. Especially if she was going to make it. But she felt that control slowly ripping itself to shreds, doing a number on all the mental blocks she had in place. She couldn't lose Shuri. She couldn't be the cause of another war in Wakanda. She couldn't live with the guilt. She couldn't let Shuri get hurt, or worse, for her again. Even if it meant confronting a man much more powerful than her. Even if it meant losing. Even if it meant drowning all over again.

Suddenly, she felt a cool hand grace the side of her cheek. She felt her suit dematerialize around her until it was just a bracelet again. She felt Okoye kneel down in front of her, eyes kinder than they usually were. She felt her pull her in close and squeeze. The pressure of the embrace bringing Riri back into her body. They stayed like that until Riri could breathe again.

She went to apologize as Okoye pulled back silently, just as she had appeared, but she was cut off.

"Aht aht. There is no need." Okoye softly but firmly let her know, sitting down next to her. They had never been this close before. Riri looked over to see the jet flying itself. The first time she saw that happen she was crazy nervous, but she's grown to trust both Wakandan tech and Okoye. After a few moments of silence, Okoye spoke again.

"I know what she means to you, you know."

Riri looked at her finally, noticing how somber her eyes really looked. She had seen those eyes before, but not like this. Okoye continued, looking back out the windows.

"I was T'Challa's right hand. I saw it all, from the beginning to the end. I saw him be the panther, I saw him be the king. I saw him be Shuri's brother." Riri felt a pang in her at the use of Shuri's name. She listened.

"And I saw him fall in love. I saw him devote himself to Nakia, and I saw her unravel at the loss of him - until she left. I saw it all, as much as I could. And I often wondered why I didn't feel the way they seemed to feel when my husband betrayed me and Wakanda. But their love... it was pure. It was something out of this world, it was something built into them." Okoye sighed, feeling grief in many directions. Riri found herself fighting back tears again until Okoye looked at her with different eyes, almost loving eyes this time.

"I have seen that kind of love before and that is how I know you have it. Both of you. And that is how I know we will figure this out." Okoye looked at her and squeezed her hand again, affirming what she said. They both heard the AI tell them they were approaching in the next 5 minutes. Through her tears that were now shamelessly falling down her face, Riri gulped out a question, in true Riri fashion.

"Do you think you will ever love like that?"

"I already do." Okoye said, getting up and adjusting herself to get back to the front of the plane to chart their secret entrance into Wakanda. Riri looked confused.

"Ngudade wethu." Okoye answered again, before sitting down and being who she needed to be. Riri knew what she said, and knew that she was right. About all of it.

As they prepared themselves, Riri suited up and made her way to the front of the plane.

"Where did he say to meet?" The midnight angel asked Riri. She sent the coordinates to the jet and looked at them wistfully. She hadn't really thought about where she might actually be going to "talk" to him when she was rushing to get herself to Wakanda. She jumped when Okoye gasped.

"What?! What is it?!" Worry filled her from head to toe again, hoping it had nothing to do with Shuri.

"That bastard... We are going to have to find a way to break into the palace. He wants to meet in the throne room."

Riri was speechless, knowing that this was a tactic to try to make her feel weak. She also couldn't deny that it was working. She felt her heart rate increase at the thought of being back in there. Of seeing the place where she almost died. Of... all of it. She had visited many times in her dreams, all against her will. And now she would face him there, against her will. She knew he was doing this to weaken her resolve, much like her and Shuri did with the dehydrating jet. She knew his intent all along, but this certainly solidified it.

Riri tried to make peace with dying in Wakanda. Once again, her mom wouldn't know where she was or how any of this happened. She wondered what lie they would tell her. She wondered if she would fight or just give herself to him. She wondered what Shuri would do, knowing this wouldn't end well no matter what she did. But she held her mind together as best as she could. She knew she had to meet him before she did. She knew she had to do what she could to prevent a second war. Okoye knew too, looking at her and then pulling up her own beads to try and locate Shuri.

"The Panther's location services are currently offline." The Ai spoke to them.

"Let us pray she is behind us and not ahead of us."

"Will she know where to find us?"

"We are about to break into the most secure place on the planet earth. I'm sure everyone will know where to find us in a matter of moments." Okoye answered and they shared a look.

"I hope you know, I will fight until the end with you. I have stood with the Wakandan throne my whole life. I have stood with Shuri and those that came before her. I have stood for the safety of my people as best as possible, but I have made my own mistakes before. I will stand with you, now, Riri. No matter the outcome."

Riri felt the pull of her tear ducts again but different this time. Okoye reminded her of her own sister, and of her own mistakes. She reached out a hand and found Okoye's. They held hands until it was time to land.

Once they had maneuvered their way into the country using Okoye's knowledge as former general and her new disguising tech, which Riri made a note to recreate if she made it out of this, Riri followed Okoye into the dense jungle around them.

"The best chance we have is to stay low until we can't anymore, and then charge in. The Doras won't see it coming but they will react, with their full might as they've been trained to do. Even to me. Our goal is not to harm any Wakandans, but we have to get to the throne room before he does. I will do my best to reason with Ayo and Aneka but they will resist a meeting with him there. Once we spot him, we must draw him away from the palace. Even if it means drawing him to the sea. Remember that he is most powerful near water."

Riri nods as she listens. Okoye wishes there were another way.

"Remember that if we see Shuri, we may already be too late. We must keep them separate. I do not know if she will choose peace a second time. Not when it concerns you."

"I don't want her to do this, I hope you know. You were right. You were right about it all. I love her. But I don't want her to risk everything for me. You all already have and I can't live with that. I can't live with any of this. I don't want to die but... But I can't let everyone else die for me either." Riri spits out, hoping she's being believed. She means it. Okoye looks at her and hears Nakia's voice in her head. "I just know his spirit. It is simple in that way for me."

"Ndiyawazi umoya wakho. I believe you. And I will fight to make sure no one has to die today, unfortunately even him if it means peace."

"Thank you."

"Thank you, small girl."

"For what?" Riri asked, genuinely surprised since most of the mayhem the past few months has been a result of her actions - intentional or not.

"For giving her something to hold onto again. Something to believe in." Okoye answered truthfully. Riri didn't know what to say but she took in what the older woman said, against trusting her. After a few moments of silence, it was time.

"Stand behind me and do not fly until I tell you. If you enter the air space anywhere near the palace, you will be shot down before you can count to one. Do you understand?" Riri nodded.

She did understand. Now, more clearly than ever.

🖤

#black sapphic #riri williams #Shuri Udaku #iron heart #black panther #black panther wakanda forever #black wlw #marvel #SHURIRI #SCIENCE GAYS #SORRY FOR THE ANGST BUT I HAD TO

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