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#'look how good of a person im being for feeling bad !!!'
gffa · 1 day
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Im having tons of fun crawling all over your dick grayson tag and checking out the comics you've commented on. Batman year one:scarecrow has to be my favorite bbydick and bruce dynamic lol, but also if my dad nerve pinched ME to keep me out of the fight idve gone ballistic immediately upon waking. Betcha dick made *very sure* bruce could never keep him out of a fight that way again (though i didn't quite understand what dick meant when he said he feared batman in a godfearing way? Like its a raw as hell line but i dont quite get what he meant)
Excellentttttt, there's a lot of really fun Dick Grayson comics out there, and that one is just an absolute joy. (I would also recommend One Bad Day: Mr. Freeze, because I think it captures the same feral gremlin angel baby energy of Year One: Batman/Scarecrow! But also Robin & Batman. And Batman: Dark Victory.) The art combined with the dynamic is just so top-tier:
Dick just REFUSING to be serious about Bruce's cranky moods!
Dick casually flinging himself upside down on the couch while talking to Bruce! Refusing to let Bruce snipe at him, he's serious about this, too, you know! What's making you such a pill tonight?
Dick scooting under Bruce's arm to get a better look at some evidence in their case, like he's so little! And he just WRIGGLES RIGHT IN THERE, absolutely no thought for personal space! Or leans his head right on Batman's arm to get a closer look! And that's something that will continue even when he's big as an adult, he has never met personal space of a loved one that he would not casually violate!
Hopping up on the table to curl up with his arms around his knees, like he's not a tiny baby child, and going, "Bruce, seriously, something's wrong, talk to me." as if he's the adult in this situation while sitting there like a TINY BABY CHILD.
Leaving money for a guy they just beat up!
Bruce PICKING HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK like he weighs nothing, like he's just a pet cat to haul out of harm's way!
Dick trying to flirt with the receptionist and Bruce LOOMING with a cracking knuckles gesture, like if you even THINK about taking this tiny baby child seriously about how he's offering a date, it will not end well.
THEN MOVING DICK OUT OF THE WAY BY PUTTING ONE HAND ON HIS FACE AND SHOVING, I love Bruce, he's awful and the best.
Dick noticing details and asking really good questions, like that kid may not be as trained as Bruce is yet, but it definitely shows he had a natural affinity for detective work, that he's probably genuinely one of the best detectives out there after Bruce himself!
But also the "god-fearing way" and the nerve pinch lend it some nice crunch, because those moments (for all that this is a genre where these things should NOT be taking totally seriously, this is comics) are really kind of fucked up. I think, while Dick doesn't fear Bruce as a person, he can see the person Bruce is underneath the persona, there's part of him that understands Bruce is not always in control of himself and he does things he later regrets because of it. The whole mini is undercurrented with Bruce being in a bad mood, being surly and snapping, beating up people with more force than needed, slamming tables in his frustration, not talking things out. Dick sees how that plays out, it's why he keeps needling Bruce to talk to him--and Dick's not going to let any of that hold him back, he clearly feels safe enough to tease Bruce, to wriggle in under his arm, to lean on him, to snap back at him. But he also knows that Bruce can do things that are terrifying. He fears that Bruce is going to shut him out. He fears for the people in Batman's way. He knows Bruce will regret those things, but when Batman swoops down on someone he sees as being in his way, that's terrifying, like a wrathful, vengeful god. He's not really bothered by the nerve pinch, he gets why Bruce did it, and it hardly slowed him down that much. He understands that it was Bruce's way of protecting him, because he didn't want Dick to get hurt, but also I think Dick probably sees it as a challenge--to avoid it or overcome it again in the future, it's good training! Like, what a beautiful, wonderful, sweet, fucked up dynamic those two have! What a hilarious feral gremlin child he is, what an incredible "the child has to be just as mature as the adult, sometimes more mature" deliciously awful dynamic that is! Anyway, if any of you others enjoy Batman comics, please read Year One: Batman/Scarecrow, it is so funny and delightful and fucked up in a way I'm not sure it meant to be but sure is tasty as hell!
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CRASHES THROUGH A BRICK WALL
HI HI IM ALIVE!!!! sorry for the relative radio silence on here ;v;
on the topic of that actually!!!! finally have a proper folie a deux au update for you!! though its slightly different than expected?
me and professional buddy and fellow au creator @cookiecaker decided to share a summary of the story we're making for the au beforehand since we'll be taking a whileeee to finish it,,, got a lot of life to live and horrors to create "-v-
after this though you mayyyy or may notttt see some out of order chapter drafts posted for the story as well,,, or atleast one? eh youll see ;Pc
ANYWAYS!!!! this is gonna take a while so lets get on with...
THE FOLIE À DEUX DOAI AU
a summary!!
or story pitch? idk-
(cookie please lemme know if i miss or improperly describe anything here feel free to correct me-)
PART 1
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the first three chapters follow alex just after the end of volume 1 as theyre abducted by lankmann and confined to his asylum as a "patient." eventually they get sent to winfrey as food, but winfrey refuses to eat them. theyre left to die in room 66 by lankmann for a Long While, until eventually he gives up and just puts alex back in their room
while alone in confinement, alex starts noticing strange things happening... dark patches start appearing on their skin, they get random pains as if someone were kicking them, and they hear a voice... a much clearer voice than the ones they used to hear while working in the asylum, and it seemed to be able to read their thoughts. though they originally just assumed it was due to being part of their thoughts as well, they find that they start knowing things they had no way of knowing and never learned prior to being confined. when lankmann typically entered room 66, how long hes inside, certain areas of the asylum patients found that theyd never heard of before...
this "voice" managed to help alex find a way to escape, leading to them running away and moving to another, smaller town in eastridge than the one they originally lived in to avoid lankmann's pursuit
PART 2
[ ! tw for cannibalism. yes you heard me- ! ]
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so after getting far away from the asylum, alex assumes that their hallucinations and weird symptoms of... Something would wear off, since subject 02 was no where near close enough to affect them
well uh. nope! theyre still there!!
so eventually alex figures out "oh shit that thing is in my head somehow" and is obviously quite concerned!!! to say the least!!!! but theyre also oddly comforted by the idea of having The Voice in their head, since now theyre not entirely alone while on the run and i mean it helped them escape so it cant be that bad?? either way theyre not exactly excited about the whole ordeal and theyre starting to look different and theyre really hungry all the time and its not fun
so! at some point (with winfreys suggestion) alex decides to run off to another town a bit farther away just to be safe. but Uh Oh theyre all out of food!! so theyre extremely hungry, forcing themself through it so they can get food when they arrive but. they see someone in the woods while walking
and for some reason that makes them even hungrier
they try to ignore it and keep walking but they cant
and the next thing they know
theyre looking down at a person
chewing off the flesh on their leg
covered in blood
even after regaining their senses they cant stop themself from eating. it tasted... so good... they were so hungry... they felt awful but it really did taste so s o g o o d .
in a haze, they discard the body, clean themself off and reach the next town. just after unpacking in an apartment, they collapse, flooded with the emotions they fought off on the way there
the next day, alex finally confronts winfrey (or winfreys voice rather-) about all their grievances and they eventually reach an understanding, as winfrey opens up about fearing the outside of the asylum despite longing to escape through alex, so they eventually agree to let winfrey pilot their body for a few days to get a feel for how the world has changed since the time winfrey had been free
in doing so, winfrey realizes how small and helpless humans are in comparison to them and how terrified the patients they devoured mustve been. this allows them to appreciate human life (specifically alex's) much more and want to escaped in their own body to join alex outside and introduce clyde to what they learned after finding it again
while piloting alexs body, winfrey is suddenly forced back into their own after lankmann inflicts enough pain to wake them from the dissociative state that piloting alex left them in. soon after this, winfrey overcomes the fear that was originally keeping them from escaping the facility and breaks out
PART 3
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this section is a lot less figured out than the rest so uhh bear with me please ;v;
essentially this couple of chapters just follows alex and winfrey as they get used to life on the run, figuring out where to go from there and how they could potentially find clyde, along with just talking face to face and getting used to that. its a weird feeling talking to someone that you share thoughts with yknow? like talking to yourself but its... not... yourself...
around the start of this section winfrey also expresses that they feel drawn to feminity as a human concept, thus being referred to with they/she from this point on in the story!! transfem winfrey yippee!!! it just makes sense in our head idk-
PART 4
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alex and winfrey start noticing news broadcasts and posters asking around for a "dark figure" lurking around, as well as warnings about alex being missing from lankmanns asylum. this fuels alex's paranoia, leading them to seeing lankmanns caretakers everywhere, feeling as if theyre being watched wherever they go... until eventually their home is ambushed and theyre taken back into lankmanns custody
alex is essentially used as bait to get winfrey to come save them from the asylum, since lankmann couldnt find a solid lead on where winfrey could be. alex tries to convince her not to fall for it, since they can both tell this is what lankmanns trying to do, but winfrey eventually caves and breaks back in to help alex, getting trapped inside once again
PART 5
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depsite the circumstances, winfrey and alex do their best to stay determined and keep looking for a way out, but they dont make much progress. to make matters worse, lankmann tries "live feeding" patients to alex in the same way he did with winfrey due to realizing that alex has veldigun traits and assuming that theyd have the same appetite as her. this isnt the case, and eventually lankmann switches to dead patients as food for alex, which theyre forced to accept due to lacking any other options
both winfrey and alex are miserable in the situation, the helplessness sinking in fairly quickly as alexs body begins rejecting the growing veldigun portions of itself, decaying under the immense stress
during their final moments, winfrey pilots alexs body to allow an atleast somewhat peaceful death as their consciousness fades away, leaving winfrey alone to reflect on all that had happened...
...and thats the official end of the story!! i had like,, a hypothetical epilogue/alternate ending where lankmann forces a Mind Merge with winfrey somehow and then gets killed and she breaks out again but like. idk the logistics of that are iffy and i kinda prefer the more melancholy end for something like this ":]c
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ANYHOW!!!! hope that was!!! something!!!! please feel free to ask questions or provide feedback or anything else im always happy to engage with my fellow freaks (affectionate) :]
ALSO IF YOU MAKE CONTENT BASED ON THIS AU LET ME KNOW I WILL DIE FOREVER alright thats it for real this time- stay safe broskissss BP
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bitchthefuck1 · 8 months
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The thing about Francesca is that it isn't just saying "loving you is worth any punishment," it's saying "a punishment that keeps me with you is no punishment at all." It's not that you can brave a hurricane if it's the cost of loving someone, it's that standing in a hurricane for eternity with the person you love is still an eternity with the person you love, and how could you be happy with anything else?
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bigothteddies · 15 days
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the thing about abusive and manipulative people is they that will be able to explain their actions and they will sound convincing and they will be genuine about what they say. We demonize these people so much until they fit into a category of evil monsters that are obvious to the naked eye and hold nothing but malice behind their actions. The truth is that they’re just people. Normal people who have failed in their ability to be honest with themselves about anything they do and possess an ability to reframe every event into something that suits how they want to interpret it. And you’re going to fall for it. Someone you love will tell you they didn’t mean something hurtful they said, didn’t you know they clearly meant it in another way? And they mean it, not because they didn’t mean it when they said it, but because they don’t mean it now, after they’ve realized it was a bad thing to say. And they can’t bear the possibility of saying something cruel like that, so they reframe it in their own memories and experiences as a joke, something they didn’t mean. If you had never told them your feelings were hurt, they’d’ve never apologized or realized that what they said was wrong. And that’s a pattern that will continue and only worsen. So many people ask why someone abusive in their life can’t just…admit to mistreating and undervaluing them instead of carrying the charade on, because it makes it so much harder to end things. And it’s because to them they haven’t mistreated or undervalued you. They can’t face a world where they are the bad guy or where they have to improve upon themselves, so they won’t. Or, on the flipside, they’ll switch back and forth between being awful and cheerful or crying and begging and pleading you to stay because they know how awful they are and they’ll treat you right this time they promise. And they mean that! They know what they are. It sticks in their stomach and turns to a pain in their heart. But once they’ve achieved their goal for immediate comfort, once you agree to stay, they don’t have a reason to keep themselves in that discomfort. Why would they want to be continually reminded of how awful they are? It’s painful. They don’t want to go through life like that. So they forget. They go back to normal. They have you again, they don’t need to face that side of themselves anymore. And they won’t see any issues with that. They are capable of reframing every event and action in their head into something that suits them and I don’t mean that in a gimmicky way I mean that they will be able to explain to you in perfect clarity why they truly love you despite their mistreatment and why their feelings of pain and discomfort are more important than how you feel about how they mistreated you. And it will be convincing. You will question yourself because they seem so sure of themselves and they seem to genuinely believe it. And it will lead you down the wrong path. These people frequently stand against abuse and repost ideas you agree with that make you feel safe. And they will mean it. And years later you will ask yourself why they supported such causes and things when they were clearly abusive themselves, and you’ll fail to realize that they saw themselves as a normal good guy the whole time. Just like we all do.
The right person will tell you when they’ve done wrong. The right person will be able to give you space to heal and do the *right* things to help you heal from any pain they cause, not love bomb you until it’s forgotten. I don’t know this wasn’t very coherent but I just wanted to say that abusers and manipulator are so good at it because they aren’t trying to do so and they don’t believe themselves to be doing so. Don’t fall for moral high ground bullshit, it only makes you easier to fall for bad situations.
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WAIT YOU'RE FICTO TOO!?!? (saw your tags) (has also only ever been attracted to fictional characters)
Ye! o/ Aromantic/Aegofictosexual! (Aegosexual + Fictosexual)
(For anyone that doesn't know, that means I'm only attracted to fictional characters, and only when I'm not involved)
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bangcakes · 24 days
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whoblewboobear · 30 days
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Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?
#tw mental health#personal#idk how to tag this#I’m doin BAD#like- I think I’ve run into that gifted kid thing where it’s like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I#never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it’s high functioning depression#like I hit my 20s and I can’t high function my way through this shit anymore#I don’t know how and that makes it worse bc I’m looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through#now I’m just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y’know?#im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don’t know where to start to even dig myself out of it#I’m self soothing to the point of it being harmful#if I don’t think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better#my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I’m worried about her but we work so well together that I don’t wanna find#someone new and start all over again#I just..#I tried telling my family I’m struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it’s like okay I’m just alone to deal with this like I#always do but I’m just.. I’m not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that#I’m not going to do anything but I can’t pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren’t at the front of my mind#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through#depression#mental health#struggling with depression#major depressive disorder
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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months
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...
#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
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floralovebot · 2 years
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i think a lot about helia being saladin's grandson and how it's heavily implied that he's close with codatorta too and him being codatorta's best student at some point. and how most of the characters either immediately assumed nepotism or weren't exactly disagreeing with it. and how saladin and codatorta go out of their way to Not treat helia better and how all of that combined can really fuck with a young teen's mind and perception of themselves.
he never thinks he's good enough or the right person for the job. he always wants to prove himself. he's really sensitive to making mistakes and immediately assumes everyone hates him when he makes one. always tries to prove his worth in physical and mission related ways. feels responsible for red fountain and guilty for having other interests. manages a stable art career but ultimately goes back because he's too emotionally attached to everyone and especially rf. it's just... dude...
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lovsome · 4 months
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i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested
#yesterday was kind of the wake up call#for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or#not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways#and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the#most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books#95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different#anyway i digress#my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her#i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to#keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally#like i was SOBBING#and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever#and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain#and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant#and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up#and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind#and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going#to the dentist….ok#and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening#like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply#and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so#and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in#when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!
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this-should-do · 4 months
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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body
#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers#like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like#its what friends do#i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats#all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it#when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters#if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about#my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats#prob where the transness comes in tbh#like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom#kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them#that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid#like#like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time#even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling#its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some#days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves#its kinda fucked
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i need to run away from home i need to move to a city and meet people who get it and i need to get my tits cut off for realsies this time like i've had enough actually. for the love of god
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kittyhazelnut · 1 year
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You have to kidding when you say lokius or whatever is the superior Loki ship? Just because you ship it that doesn't make it superior. On top of that Mobius is the ugliest person to ever ship loki with
man, fuck off. someone asked me my opinion on Loki ships and I responded with my opinion on Loki ships. this is that whole "everyone on tumblr is chronically online and thinks every post must be About Them Specifically" bullshit I was talking about earlier. a girl can't even call her fav ship superior in her own post about her own ships without some asshole getting mad that I didn't account for Every Single Marvel Fan's Opinion Ever. make your own post about your own favorite Loki ship if you're this bitter idfc just go away
#also imagine thinking 'he's ugly' is a good defense about why you don't like a ship?#especially when that ugly person is Owen Wilson as Mobius M Mobius‚ the most precious bean of all precious beans???#when i look at Mobius I don't even see Mobius okay when I look at Mobius i see a being who descended from the heavens#Jesus Himself wept the first time He saw Mr. Mobius M. Mobius because He knew He would never live up to this man#I don't see how you can be upset with *me* for seeing Mobius for the beautiful wholesome fantastic man he is#is it my fault that you're too blind to see the complete and utter adoration Mobius has for this man‚ this god‚ this BEING he's been#searching for for years? is it my fault that you don't understand how deeply and hopelessly in love Mobius fell before hed even met a Loki?#your ignorance to the greatest love story of all time reflects only on yourself‚ anon‚ not on me#fr tho jokes aside i dont give a fuck what you ship and what you don't ship just keep that shit to yourself and your anti community#like why do you hate happiness anon?#when taylor swift said 'i want to be defined by the things that i love‚ not the things i hate‚ not the things that im afraid of‚ the things#that haunt me in the middle of the night‚' she was handing you a guide on how to be less of a miserable fuck and you just threw it out the#window#I'm not even mad man i just feel bad that your life is so miserable you gotta send mean anons about pointless shit#(also the fact that i wrote a whole paragraph praising thorki and you had an issue with my one sentence about lokius is embarrassing 💀)#look i have an ask#i need to stop posting at night because this was a lot of tags for an ask that I'll forget about in 20 minutes lmao
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skrunksthatwunk · 5 months
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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biblicalhorror · 5 months
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My other sister got engaged yesterday (and told me about it immediately thankfully lol) and then today I got invited to some superbowl party by two other friends and my brain is so wrapped up in what the last week has been for me that I read it as "engagement party" and I was like you have got to be kidding me
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hellonoblesky · 1 year
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Repeating to myself over and over again that there is a multi-year time gap between rebels finale and Ashoka and Filoni movie version of HTTE so the Grysk conflict is probably concluded but by fucking god am I about to go rabid thinking about unresolved plots that have HUGE sway on a character because Thrawn has stuff to do and I love the htte triology but what is he doing there rn
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