#'you cannot keep blaming me for everything bad that ever happened in your life' 'all bad that ever happened is your fault'

[no-light-left-on]

Suggestion: Daud doesn't die and Billie spares Outsider, so he gets to meet the old man

it's very strange to actually look down on the Outsider now that he can't float

bonus

(don't worry, Billie doesn't let him)

[crimeronan]

god i know i keep half-tongue-in-cheek saying that my dad is literally belos owlhouse but. i've apparently gotten a little desensitized to Just How Bad He Is (because i have ESCAPED, YAY) & so today has been a delightful adventure.

i wrote an AITA post from his POV about stuff that happened several years ago, bc i was curious about how bad he'd get dragged - i updated the timeline but the Only fact i changed was the reason for his Woes (i blamed COVID economic struggles, which actually makes him a Hero compared to the truth. the truth being so ugly i'm not gonna detail it here good god).

i kept it true to POV by only using things that he actually did say to me at the time about why he was doing the things that he was doing, & blocking out all the relevant info about why the wronged party (me) was so upset, & having him praise his daughter (me) and go "i love her so much :) she's so smart and independent and i would never hurt her :)", & having him half-assedly admit he might've sounded unreasonable/angry/malicious, in a way that was clearly supposed to earn Good Dad points for being so Willing To Admit Imperfections, despite a continued constant doubling-down refusal to answer questions about actual important shit or fix anything ever.

cannot emphasize enough that this was not a fictionalized/embellished/creative POV. the only points of fiction were 1) my dad did not write these things on reddit, he said them to me in real life word for word instead and 2) this happened many years ago, not like... yesterday.

anyway the thread blew up and the commenters were all so kind and genuinely worried for me (as in, the daughter) and offering so much help that i hopped on a diff account to be my past self so i could reassure people i'm okay & had a plan in motion for gettin' the hell outta dodge. because i felt REALLY BAD that they didn't know i..... did in fact get out. people were so nice it made me actually fucking cry jesus CHRIST. i had in fact perhaps forgotten that these things were all as bad and worrying as they were

now. this is all a very serious and harrowing-sounding prelude to the actual point of this post, which is. a bullet list of some of my FAVORITE FUCKING RESPONSES. revel in these with me i had so much fucking fun. i have taken DOZENS AND DOZENS of screenshots to peruse whenever i need a healthy dose of Perspective

here they r:

you are CARTOONISHLY EVIL?

HOLY ABUSE BATMAN

DO BETTER. RIGHT NOW.

did you even listen to yourself writing this. HOW

there's something seriously wrong with you. like on an intrinsic unfixable level

hey this happened to me too! my parent died and i had a party about it btw

your daughter is never going to speak to you again after this

(note from the future: yeah)

you're going to act confused and sad when she goes no-contact aren't you

(NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: HE SURE FUCKING IS)

i think you are creating your own problems and then getting mad at them. maybe instead you could not do that

is this ragebait. i can't imagine anyone this horrible actually existing

this isn't ragebait. i can tell this isn't ragebait because I Know This Kind Of Man So Intimately

you are the asshole on literally so many levels i'm going to write a 15 paragraph response line-by-line dissecting everything wrong with you

are you aware that you're lying or are you literally this incapable of 2 seconds of honest self-reflection

i need to donate to a gofundme for your daughter right now immediately

(note from the future: i am not going to scam people by pretending a long-done sitch is a current emergency on gofundme. have no fear.)

wow. okay i'm gonna go hug my mom and thank her for not being you

you are Actually Literally Empirically the Actual Literal Worst Parent who has Actually Literally Ever Existed

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU????

WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE.

I AM A 57-YEAR-OLD MOM OF FOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND THE MERE THOUGHT OF DOING ANY OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE HERE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY NAUSEOUS

these vibes are so skeevy. leave her the fuck alone????

along with ASTONISHINGLY accurate inferences about exactly what was happening with the daughter (me) in all the missing missing reasons & like..... exactly how the situation was So Much More Ugly And Horrifying than an innocently confused i'm-so-well-intentioned dad-POV post would have you believe.

so. anyway. that was literally the most validating experience i've ever had in my entire life. i know i've said he's a bad guy before but i also always forget just how far beyond the pale he is. like wow that was. that was not a normal average human experience to have growing up huh.

IN CONCLUSION.

if you guys are ever wondering why i am the way that i am about, like........ anything....... everything....... whatever......

just remember.

i was raised by belos owlhouse.

[ohwhataniight]

The Good that won't Come Out - a trans!Sherlock fic - Part 1

So I started this WIP and have absolutely no patience about sharing it after it is completed. Please forgive my English, it is not my first language. For @gaylilsherlock who suggested the wound dressing trope. To be continued.

___________________________

"Girls, behave. Please."

I didn't think much of the way I'd just referred to a sulking Sherlock and an exasperated Lestrade, both of whom were leaning dangerously over the table in the Scotland Yard office, looking ready to punch each other in the face any minute now. Sherlock was being his usual self, showing off deductions that were only possible for me to follow, given that I live with him and, throughout the past couple of years, have become able to decode his tumultuous trains of thought. I assumed that the patience of my friend and colleague had run out and that he needed some quiet time in order to think this baffling case through, given that he raised the lapels of his coat and announced that he was heading home.

Anyway, I have a date tonight, so I don't really mind letting the case of the poisoned fashion designer go. I am more than fine with the turn of events, actually. I shoot Greg an apologetic look when Sherlock isn't looking and start buttoning my own jacket. I turn to Sherlock. “I won't be back till late. Go home, get some Thai, don't do anything reckless without me.”

He doesn't grace me with an answer to that, of course. “Give Vicky my warmest regards,” he says sarcastically instead, without really meeting my gaze. I decide to ignore his moods – I know better than provoking him when he's way too deep in a case he can't solve yet. I watch him turn around and leave the room with the tail of his impossibly long coat swishing dramatically behind him. I sigh, and follow suit to head to my date, for which I am already late.

*

It would have been fine if it only happened once, but apparently this is how John speaks, and for some reason it took my by surprise. Again. I should have seen this coming - this is how he really sees me, isn’t it? At least subconsciously - even subconsciously is bad enough. Why doesn’t he ever observe? I blame myself for letting my guard down. Of course, Captain John Watson, the epitome of traditional British masculinity and unchecked heterosexism would resort to such terms of endearment. And now here I am, recalling the words of my dearest brother: “You have let yourself be conquered by sentiment once again, Sherlock. You are entrusting a well-intentioned but vastly ignorant man with secrets you have been hiding ever so industriously throughout your life. I am observing you in sheer terror as you succumb to your miscalculations. How are you planning to proceed after John Watson discovers that you have so... diligently concealed the truth from him, after he reacts?”

Concealed. Truth. I snort. John knows the truth. He knows what he needs to know, he knows as much as he can stomach.

“He’ll have to know, at some point, being your doctor and all.”

“Oh shut up,” I hiss at mind palace-Mycroft, brushing away his rigid figure from my head with a wave of my hand. “John cannot know. He will never see me the same way again if he finds out.”

The night is chilly, my breath materializes before me in the form of smoke: dense, and woefully lacking of tar. I walk into the first corner shop and buy a pack, only to notice that my hands are shaking as I try to light the first cigarette, standing on the side of the pavement, shifting my weight from one foot to another. Pathetic. Look at you. Mycroft is right.

No. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep guessing, and hiding, and pretending it’s all fine.

He accepts and admires the man he thinks you are. Just one misstep and you blow up an entire life you’ve built for yourself, a life you’ve fought so hard for. John learns, and everything goes

fucking

boom.

I have been letting someone in so dangerously close to the core of my being, and yet I still have to live life hanging from the threads of how he sees me, how he reads me, like a pitifully open book yet still stumbling between the lines, faltering when I become too visible, immuring me behind performances and words.

John Watson is failing you.

And how could he not?

(freak)

I shake my head, exasperated. I take in a deep drag of smoke and watch it crystallize in slow motion. The lights of the city that normally surround me with clarity now become blurry and melt around me, pool on my feet like fireflies in a swamp. Smoking doesn’t help. Nothing is helping. My ribs are constricting around what feels like a hole in my chest, pulling me down with the familiar weight that used to press around me like Symplegades before.

What if John Watson had met me before? Maybe then he could have returned my feelings. Maybe he could have loved me if I weren’t who I am.

After all, John Watson is not, will never be gay. And I will never be what he likes.

These thoughts make breathing a strenuous activity. I wish I could ever only inhale nicotine. Not oxygen, especially when it becomes so sparse, not his hot, sweet breath that confiscates mine every time he turns his head as he’s leaning over me to stare at the computer screen, not the odd whiff of salty sweat, not his light musk of earth that is damp that is sturdy -

And then, suddenly, bliss: a distraction. A man in a suede jacket who is up to no good, judging from the long fingernail on his left pinky and the obviously borrowed briefcase that contains information of life and death on his ex wife. I don’t need to intervene, I’m not Clark freaking Kent (see, John? I have some mundane references) but I need something to keep my mind and body occupied other than these dreaded musings on truth and identity and John Watson’s scent, ever present in my nostrils. So I follow him. And he notices. And he quickens his step. And I chase him. In an alley. Good, this is good. Keep that adrenaline pumping. He climbs over some railings. I follow suit. My heart is racing with the rapture of something remotely interesting, finally. My physical deftness has never betrayed me before, until it does. I feel the sharp stab of metal on my ribcage as the railing scratches my side, ripping my shirt underneath my coat, and I feel the warmth of blood spiling from a long scratch on my skin that climbs up to my chest like a vine of poison ivy.

(well, this is unfortunate)

[hopelesslonelyghost]

Mourning

the bad batch x reader (mostly hunter x reader)

warnings// ‼️SPOILERS FOR S2 FINAL TWO EPS‼️, angst, not beta read! any mistakes found are my fault lmao whoops

word count// 984

a/n at the end of fic!

Something went wrong. So, so wrong. You could have saved him. You could have done what you had always done and reached out for him and a single tug would have saved him. Instead you stood back and just watched. Watched as he shot himself free from the rail line. Watched as he fell alongside the cart.

It was all a blur. You don’t know how it happened but now you were back on Ord Mantell, sitting on the rooftop of some building, looking up at its purple, gloomy sky.

You sighed and closed your eyes, “Oh Master, please forgive me.”

Your mind wandered off to what your Master Plo told you after you ran off so eagerly to join the Clone Force 99.

“Remember, they are more than just a squad. They are more than backup. Keep them safe just like they will keep you safe. You will have each other’s backs and will be there for each other no matter what.”

You remember laughing, “Don’t worry, Master! We’ll be alright!”

You opened your eyes and looked at the stars, “Where did I go wrong? Why-”

A sob wretched its way from your throat and you threw your face into your palms. Ever since the Empire took over, you had to let go of your meditations, had to forget the way of the Jedi, had to let go of the Force.

“I became weak. When did I become so weak?”

It was as the universe was laughing at you. You had lost everything. Your home. Your family. Your friends. Your life. Everything was gone in the blink of an eye. A cloud of darkness surrounds you, and an evil rose. The Empire took over the galaxy and proclaimed itself its dictatorship over many planets. You were defenseless against it and all you could do was run away and hide. To keep low.

In the midst of the chaos, you ran away from your squad, but quickly reunited after you managed to communicate with Tech.

Tech…

New tears slipped from your eyes. He was gone now. Forever.

“I should have done more for you, Tech.” You whispered into the night.

“You couldn’t have done anything, General.”

You turned to look at Hunter, who was climbing up the ladder, making his way onto the rooftop.

You sighed again, “How’s Omega?”

Hunter stopped and leaned against the cement wall that you sat on, “Still unconscious.”

He turned his full body towards you, “How are you?”

You scoffed, “I should be asking you that, Sergeant.”

He hummed. You forgot he hated being called that.

“You know better than to call me that, Hunter.”

“Sorry, force of habit.”

You two stayed quiet for a bit, soaking in the tense silence. You could slice right through it with your lightsaber, if you still had it.

“He-” Hunter swallowed, “He always had a mind of his own. You cannot blame yourself for his decisions.”

“He’s gone, Hunter! This was just a mere decision. He sacrificed himself when he shouldn’t have! I should have caught him!” You buried your face back into your palms.

“You would have given yourself away to the Empire, and you know that.” His hand wrapped itself around your wrist and pulled your arm away. “Tech would have hated to see you get taken away if they had found out that a Jedi had survived and was now running around with a bunch of rogue clones. A target is already on your back, you can’t make it any bigger.”

Sniffing, you tried wiping away your tears to no avail as new ones were already forming, “You are all more to me than just a bunch of rogue clones.”

You turned to look at him, “You guys are all I have left. You’re all my family, Hunter. And to lose one of you is to lose a piece of me. I made a promise to you all, and I’ve failed you twice.”

He squeezed your wrist, “We made a promise to each other. This isn’t just on you. In our defense, we really never did know how to follow orders.”

“I know this may be easier said than done, but we need to focus on who we have left now. Omega needs us. We cannot give up now.”

He was right. She needed you. You could all mourn later once you had settled down somewhere safer.

“We need to go back to Pabu, Hunter. We cannot keep going on like this, not with her.”

You turned around and jumped off the ledge and next to Hunter, “We need to leave the life of soldiers behind. I cannot lose anyone else.”

He nodded, “Understood.” He turned to leave.

“Hunter.” With the sound of your voice he stopped in his tracks.

“If at any point in time, and I mean any, there is an opportunity for me to make things right, I will take it. No questions asked, no ifs, ands, or buts. I’m doing it.”

He turned to face you, eyebrows scrunched up, “What are you talking about?”

You stepped closer to him, taking his hand in yours, “What I’m saying is, if there’s any opportunity to go against the Empire, I’m taking it.”

His eyes softened at the realization, “You’d want to join a rebellion?”

You pursed your lips, “The Empire took everything from me. Almost everything. I can’t just sit back and let it happen to others. It’s not right, Hunter. Right now may not be the time, but I feel it. It’s my calling.”

Hunter sighed, “You were always one with the Force. And it seems it wants to become One again.”

You smiled sadly, “I just want to prepare you, so you know what to do when the day comes.”

“Why does this feel like a goodbye?”

You laughed, “Not yet, Hunter.” You pulled back, “Come, let's go check on the rest.”

“Right behind you.”

~~~~

a/n: ah yes, ‘tis I back from the dead. i finished school and i’m pretty much never home and always at work. anyways, i want to write more abt jedi reader. i want to explore her background with tbb but i have no timeeeeee it sucks. i wrote this all within the hour bc i was so SAD WHAT WDYM TECH DIESSSSS

I’m also sick so I might be more emotional than i usually am but that’s okay. it gives fics ✨flavor✨

i’m tired and i should be resting but instead i’m here posting this heh

[casanovawrites]

SENTENCE PROMPTS FROM VARIOUS TV SHOWS

while we’re trying not to die, we still need to live.

dress code is creative black tie. 

in this world, you kill or you die. or you die and you kill.

people like us, we will never save enough lives to make up for the ones that we take.

i've always wanted to kill someone with my knitting needle.

when i'm with you, i feel like i am home.

you can save people’s lives, but you cannot save them from life.

i said i was fine, didn’t i?

i need a life away from death. we should all just let ourselves be a little boring again.

i stabbed him, and now he’s dead.

ew. don’t touch the dead body.

i don't know. just be hot.

my whole life has been defined by this crap. death, walking around blood.

being alone in life is making you a little weird.

from now on, we fuck everything up together.

i couldn’t be with someone who didn’t make me feel electric.

you were always mean when you got scared, you know that?

i know when you look at me, you don’t see someone you should be afraid of. but you’re wrong.

have you been practicing? or did you just suddenly get super human reflexes?

everyone lies a little. i lie.

women who knock rarely make history.

i get night terrors. i usually don’t remember them.

too nice a night to spend it dying slow, don’t you think?

i hope you find whatever it is you need.

don’t tell me i would be safer with someone else, because the truth is, i would just be more scared.

you’re with the bad guys. 

i don't want my life to be all about the worst parts of it. i have more to offer than that.

i think what you’re feeling right now is what it’s like right before you do something brave.

i am the bad guy, because i did a bad guy thing.

there aren’t going to be any good or bad guys, it’s either going to be dead or alive. i want to be alive, don’t you?

stay alive with me.

pushing things away never really worked for me.

escaping to your dreams is easier than living with your memories.

you’re so hot when you talk shit like that.

they were just assholes killed by other assholes.

it doesn’t matter how shitty they are. it still fucks you up when they’re gone.

i can’t just say i’m sorry. i feel like i have to do something.

i’m completely, totally panicking.

don’t choke. again.

every revolution begins with a spark.

i was in love. like out of my mind in love. what was i supposed to do?

we took a look, and what i saw was crazy.

people like me need people like you to save our asses. i need you.

you’re too smart to need anyone. it’s the smart ones who always survive.

i keep feeling like these pieces are missing. like there are holes in my memory.

no one doubts you.

i used to live around here.

blame yourself, fine. but that doesn’t mean you have to let it follow you around.

you took a risk. we took a risk, but it was the right thing to do.

i believe in you.

i don’t think i could ever get over you.

whenever i talk to you, i’m just happy. 

you haven’t changed.

i like beginnings. sunsets are like the end.

some things last forever. like a zombie.

DNA doesn’t make a family. love does. 

standing in front of you right now, it’s torture not being able to kiss you.

we need a plan. 

i know what it’s like. the numbness, the paranoia. sometimes i look at the world around me and it’s like all the light has just gone out of it.

this is a mixtape for the enemy?

now i get you forever.

you don’t grow. you rot.

what if the truth is that we’re all fucked in the head because of what happened to us?

who died? no seriously, who is this guy?

it’s not like i woke up today and thought i’d stab him to death.

i don’t want to be loved like this.

it’s just like riding a gross, really fucked up bike.

i can’t keep starting over because clearly it is not working.

it’s time we get our own shot at happiness.

you trust me to decide the rest of your life?

you have a sense of direction.

you don’t have to keep creating these tragic love stories.

you raised me from the dead. 

wait, you have a crush on me?

i’m so done with trying to be more. this is it. it should be enough.

maybe we can die alone together. 

if this is you broken, stay broken. 

i feel like i can’t say anything right to you at this point.

i mean, you already know i’m bad at lying.

paying attention to things, it’s how we show love.

you’re like a book, but still in the shrink-wrap. 

secrets are poison.

you can come from anywhere and still have a sad story.

sometimes miracles also have miseries.

shouldn’t you be taking it easy?

the woods don't give a shit.

everyone i have cared for has either died or left me.

are you so scared of failing you won’t even try?

you’re the best with the knife. clearly.

i lost everything, but i’m still trying.

do whatever you want to do. i’m done caring about you.

compassion don’t make me soft.

sometimes it’s important to say what you need to say face to face, so that the person can see that you really mean it.

you have the prettiest smile i’ve ever seen. your whole face just lights up.

[stillthe1]

you KNOW it's going to be 8 and 18 combined for charlos. mwah. love ya ❤️

from these prompts, ask whatever u want and I'll do it 🩷🩷🩷

did it. hope YOU ARE HAPPY. 1500k of charlos. nsfw.

It was Carlos’ home race, and he had won. Fuckin’ finally, right?

The streets of Barcelona were alive, filled with people still celebrating the win from Barça, even though it had been weeks already. There were people dressed with Ferrari colors, too, and that made his heart stutter on his chest. A beautiful reminder.

He did it, won in Spain and took the glory. Max had to retire from the race, and Carlos saw his chance. Montmeló had always been bittersweet for him, the pressure almost creating claws across his shoulders. 

It makes him think of Charles. As anything does these days. Charles Marc Hervé Perceval Leclerc, and what was that name? Who named their kid like that?

Well, in Carlos' head it makes sense. They knew they were naming a legend, il predestinato, the apple of everyone’s eyes or however the saying goes. The thing is, Carlos has won, he’s drunk and, predictably, he’s thinking about Charles.

It’s not weird, he tells himself, it’s not weird at all. Charles just has something about him that keeps everyone hooked, from higher-ups to their fellow drivers, to the fans to every girl that stumbles onto his life. 

It’s not jealousy, he does not need that type of devotion, does not need to have everyone at his beck and call. But, would it be that bad if it was Charles? 

Would it make it better if he could kiss Charles after one of the monegasque’s wins, and drink the glory from his lips? 

Sometimes Charles has the annoying ability to appear when you think about him, like that goddamned Bloody Mary. It’s scary, but an old joke across the drivers. 

Suddenly, there’s a french-accented voice whispering in his ear, and he has to steel himself. Que cabronazo, joder. He should come with a warning level – or many, really – “caution, sneaky little shit that enjoys hiding behind his good boy persona! don’t fall for it! sponsored by Max Verstappen and the inchident!”

“Hello, Carlitos. Havin’ some fun, huh?” Charles’ mocking tone could be heard from fucking Monaco itself, and ugh. Imbécil. “How does victory taste? Especially since it’s your own home race…”

Like you. Let me taste you too–

Fuck, the alcohol his friends had thrown into his hands (and mouth) had no registered ‘til now, and his tongue feels loosened enough to make him shudder. Maybe it will all unravel here.

He stabs his drink with the red straw, because of fucking course. Everything is red now, the straw, the blinding lights dancing across the club, Charles’ lips. The red string that had tied them from Sauber and McLaren into the incessant torture of Ferrari, too.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, cariño?” He smirks, voice dripping with a sickly sweet condescending tone. Carlos doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but he cannot stop his train of thought, even though it’s mean as fuck. “It has never happened to you, no? Keep chasing it, Charlie.”

He leaves Charles with that, walking away from him. It’s his night, his glory and his moment. And if he moves his hips slowly to the music while walking to the other side of the room, well, no one could blame him.

Funnily enough, he finds Lando, Max and Daniel drinking the night away. 

They are always the funniest trio. Lando who is always in his own world, showing off his new mixes to anyone that ever hints to it, and the so-called Maxiel duo (sue him, it’s funny) are constantly one upping each other at bursting each other’s personal bubble.

Carlos still doesn’t know if they’re dating, or if it’s just a bromance, or a bit of both? 

Something is going on with them, either way. The way Max’s eyes light up around Daniel is enough to sell the deal, and the smile Daniel saves for Max, soft around the edges, eyes shining like the prettiest stone, is enough for half of the paddock to collectively say “they’re dating, for fucking sure”, but they’ll never know.

“Carlitoooosss! Hi, hello mate!” The inimitable Aussie accent shakes him from his reverie, and he focuses on the drink Lando is pushing on his hands. 

The glass is cold, colder than any beer he has had for the past hours, and it calms him. He sniffs it, because Lando is young and way too trusting for his own good, and drinks the entire thing as soon as he smells the Jäger and Redbull combo. 

This is his night, goddamnit. No monegasque will ruin it with their pretty eyes, pretty mouth, pretty everything. No, nuh-huh. He will not think about him again.

As he opens his mouth to respond to Daniel’s enthusiastic greeting, a hand wraps around his wrist and tugs him strongly and surely towards the bathrooms. He can see Daniel’s bewildered stare, Lando’s scheming smile, and Max. Max who just mouths “good luck” to him.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck—

“Charles, what the fuck?

⋆

“What do you mean “what the fuck”, Carlitos? You really thought you could say that to me and leave me behind? For whom, the rejects trio? Oh fucking no, Carlos!” He can feel the anger build inside of him again, fueling him like it has always had. “You deserve the win, Carlos. But don’t ever say that to me, or I'll shut you the fuck up.”

Carlos looks at him with his patented confused stare, and it makes Charles want to scream. Throw something at him, maybe. He looks around the bathrooms, tries to find something to smack the life out of the spanish motherfucker–

“Oh, so you’ll shut me up? You? Fragile Leclerc? Or is that just what you play to the media, huh?” Carlos' voice is back to the condescending tone that made Charles want to punch him, kick him in the dick, and maybe kiss him a little. Fuck. “Poor Charlie, am I right? Our pathetic il predestinato!”

Charles can’t help it, cannot keep it in the back of his throat, hidden from Carlos, hidden from Ferrari, hidden from the world–

Charles fucking whimpers. He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. Fucking hell, out of all the places in the world, out of all the people in the paddock.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up.” His voice shakes, and he does too. He doesn’t know if it’s the humiliation, or the fact that it's Carlos. Who’s sweaty, with his fucking pretty face looking at him intently, and his prince hair sticking out in all different directions.

“Please, just shut up, Carlos.”

It comes out as a plea, more than an ask. And Charles wants to run, hide from Carlos and everyone that knows him. Wants to curl up inside a bathroom cubicle and find a bit of balance. 

Carlos never spoke back, ever. This wasn’t Charles’ cruelest work, but it seemed that with his win, he finally had something to hold above his head.

“Make me.”

And, what? 

“I said make me, Charlie. C’mon. What do you wanna do, huh? Puch me? Break my nose a bit? Leave your mark over my bod–” 

Charles doesn’t let him finish and kisses him. Right on the lips that have been torturing for years, even before Ferrari cursed them together. Charles kisses him, swallows the words out of Carlos’ lips and feels the victory flow through his veins again.

Carlos’ hands end up on his neck, holding him in place, and he can’t help but moan. Holy fuck, this was better than his dreams. The hands on his neck tighten as Carlos bites Charles’ bottom lip, taking a bit of distance. His brown eyes pierce right through the haze on Charles’ mind, and he shudders. 

Carlos is so fucking pretty. Feeling his nose across his own cheek makes Charles whimper, and he tries to break the hold on his neck, but all it does is tighten more and more. He feels lightheaded, his eyes closed and mouth open. 

“Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Please.” 

He begs, he shakes and struggles until Carlos obeys. Their lips meet again, and it’s better, way fucking better. It’s hot, slick and one of Carlos’ hands moves slowly from his neck to press down on Charles’ neglected cock.

Charles breaks the kiss, startled and horny as fuck.

“Carlos! Fffucking hell, oh my god.” His voice comes out as whimpers, and his hands try to find somewhere to hold onto. Involuntarily, they stop at Carlos' hair, and he tugs at it just to see Carlos moan against his ear. “Please, Carlos…”

Carlos smirks again, looking right at his eyes.  

“What if I give you a blowjob? Would you like that, cariño?” Charles’ breath stops, and the bathroom fades into the background. Holy fuck, he’s nodding before he thinks it through. “You could say it’s a favor. So that Monaco doesn’t sting that hard, pretty boy.”

Carlos tightens his hold on both his neck and his cock, and Charles' vision almost whites out. He’s not getting out of this alive.

[foxydivaxx]

Gossip Girl: Bad Romance Chapter 1

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of suicide, sexual content, sexual assault,mentions of drugs and alcohol

Hello Upper Eastsiders. Gossip Girl here and boy do I have the biggest news of the year via a reliable source of mine.

Spotted heading into Z’s home is none other than his ex S. Compared to everyone else, S has had a pretty rough year.

Aside from his nasty breakup with Z, his relationship with SU fizzled out after SU was caught cheating with a Brazilian supermodel. Their heated confrontation led to S getting wounded and battered and landing in the hospital shortly afterwards. Rumour has it that Z foot the bill for S. Shortly after recovering, he gets shot by a stalker fan. Thankfully he survived but that event changed him and in a not so great way.

Ever since that day, S has been a shadow of his former self, leading him down a dangerous downward spiral. Things got so bad that his bandmates were given no choice but to give him the boot. Lonely and all washed up, no one wants to associate with S anymore, not even his family.

No label desires to sign him and no one wants to hire him. Perhaps that is why he has shown up at Z’s door. A possible miracle to save his career and life perhaps. Considering the fact that he has shown up with his bags, it seems possible.

What makes S’ case worse is that he once tried to end his life by throwing himself off the roof at a party being hosted by MTV. Z arrived in the nick of time and talked him out of it. That must be the other reason why he was brought to Z’s home.

Let’s wait and see how this latest development unfolds because I do love a good redemption story.

And who am I? That is one secret I will never tell.

XOXO,

Gossip Girl

Zoro sighs as he runs a hand through his hair. How did it all end up like this? Sure, Sanji was the one that broke up with him after seeing that blog post.But then again, considering what those two evil bitches did by spreading lies about him cheating on Sanji, something he can never do, he does not truly blame Sanji for his reaction. Did not help that he did not properly talk things out with Sanji.

And now look what happened. Sanji is broken beyond repair thanks to their obvious manipulation. He had to bring him to his home out of fear of the boy actually ending his life. The true reason he saved Sanji is because it hit way too close to him.

Way before he met Sanji, he was in a similar situation. What happened to him and Sanji, happened between him and an ex of his. Said ex actually ended their life and he himself almost ended his own life. Thank goodness for Mihawk.

If he could survive that shit and bounce back, who says that Sanji cannot make a powerful comeback? But first things first, Sanji needs to heal from everyone and everything and he has the perfect plan for that.

Sanji stumbles into Zoro's room, his head downcast. His eyes had some dark circles surrounding them. Clearly, the poor guy had not been sleeping at all and might have cried his eyes out. His hair looked disheveled and he had now grown a goatie. He looked completely different. He was no longer the confident, sexy Sanji everyone knows and loves. Does not help that his former band just announced his departure and their replacement for him.

Zoro just walks over to him and pulls him into a hug. Sanji just bursts into tears and hugs him back. It was the least Zoro could do because this shit is painful.

"W..Why Zoro...w-w-why did you save me...."

"It's because I have been in your shoes Sanji. I understand how it feels for everyone to abandon you when you fuck up." Sanji just keeps on sobbing. "I...I cannot do this anymore. I...I am better off dead."

"No."

That took Sanji off-guard. Why does Zoro still care after what he did to him? "But I broke your heart. I hurt everybody."

"True." Zoro then cups Sanji's face in his hands. "But at the same time, you are also human with real feelings. That is something everyone else forgot about when they were busy fawning over you. They only cared about you as though you were a product, a commodity."

Sanji blinks when he hears this. Truth be told, he did hint at this in countless interviews. He also hinted at a lot of his past struggles. The fact that Zoro understood this means a lot to him.

"Can we just get out of this bloody town? I do not want to see anyone's fucking faces for the next couple of months." says Sanji. Zoro grins. "Ironic because I have been thinking about the same thing as well. And you know what you are right. The rest are a bunch of hypocrites. They threw both of us under the bus when it felt convenient for them. Fuck them. Time for some nice healing retreat."

"Oh and where are we going Marimo?"

**********************************************************************

Meanwhile at Sukuna's mansion, the rest of the gang are gathered around, partying the night away. Eren was by the balcony, lost in thought.

On one hand, they secured a victory over Zoro and Sanji and usurped the throne from them. On the other hand Eren still feels guilty.

He was the one that sent the Gossip Girl blast about Sanji’s stripper past, a fact the rest of Aogiri was unaware of until Charlotte Pudding, his ex- girlfriend gave them the deets plus other information including the scandalous sex tape plus the nudes photoshoot that ruined Sanji’s career beyond repair.

Still, all of that was for what? Besides, Sanji was already famous for his sexy image. So why should something like this be that damaging?

Well considering how big Aogiri is and how popular Sanji has always been to the point of becoming the face of the group right up till recently, the backlash was inevitable. Then there was the cheating scandal they orchestrated for Zoro. Worked like a charm.

“Why the long face?” He whipped around to see Sukuna stand close to him, champagne glass in hand. “Ah nothing. Just feeling a bit bored.”

Sukuna nods. “You know, you are a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.” Eren chuckles and sips some champagne. “Having great observational skills come in handy.”

“True. Say how about we hang out this weekend? Just the two of us.” Eren grins. “Sure.”

*******************************************************

A couple hours later, Sanji and Zoro arrive in Tokyo, Japan. Thankfully, no one has found out that they were out of town. Usually some person working for Gossip Girl would have caught them and found out.

Zoro checked the blog and heaved a sigh of relief. Still, people would find out eventually. But that is the least of his worries. His main priority is to protect Sanji at all costs and help him rebuild his life.

Record labels are the absolute worst. Always looking for a poor innocent soul to leach off on. Imagine being the face of the biggest boy band in the world only to have only 50 cents in your bank account. It means that that bitch Charlotte and her godawful mother cleverly orchestrated Sanji’s debut behind the scenes just to punish him for dumping her despite the fact that she actually cheated on him.

He stares at Sanji who had finally decided to fall asleep. I have to destroy that family.

He then picks up his phone and dials a number and heads towards the balcony, making sure to not wake Sanji up.

“Hello?”

“Hi Grimmjow. Listen I need a favor from you. It is urgent…”

[fairybonesandstardust]

a horrible "analysis" of fukuchi and fukuzawa's friendship and a little ranpo's feelings on the betrayal

warning this will contain discussions of outing and homophobia/transphobia

as i write fukufuku i can't help but think about canon and their friendship and the betrayal and everything else in between. because i see myself in their friendship. i see myself in ranpo who put his blind trust into fukuchi only to have it back fire. i have a sister and for a very long time i thought of her as my best friend, if i ever had a wedding i though she would probably be my maid of honor or my groomsmen. i thought she would be the first and maybe only person to meet my s/o. she was there for me in so many ways.

she was the first person i came out to and she was the very first person who bought me gender affirming clothes. i don't think she knows how much it meant to me. that i could talk to her about my sexuality and gender so freely that after so many years...

she was also the very same person who outed me.

she knew i was in the closet.

and despite everything i hate her. i can't stand to be around her yet for so long i masked it and i kept pretending that everything was the same. the worst feeling in the world is having the person you trusted more than anything in the entire world betray you and they don't seem to care. you're screaming into a void that they cannot see or hear. you seem them and you feel sick to your stomach and you cannot eat.

you hate them so fucking much but for the life of you, you cannot vocalize it because they wouldn't understand they wouldn't see it. and that hatred and pain keeps growing and growing but they've been by your side for years. they fought for you. how could you leave them?

and then somewhere along the way something snaps and you stop caring. you can no longer pretend.

she outed me for a second time in front of our mother but thankfully our mother is oblivious.

she (they) didn't understand what was done.

you feel stupid because you saw this coming but you swore to yourself that they would never do something like this. because they aren't like that. (but they are and you knew that)

in some weird way you feel almost violated when it happens. you aren't alone so you cannot break you smile and you pretend like it hasn't killed a part of you.

and in the end you go on with your life you make sacrifices that come with horrible consequences because you need to regain control. you have to make sure nothing bad happens that nothing worse comes to pass. and now you are all alone so you so bury it all and you go back to pretending but you no longer hide your hatred. (the worst part is that you will always be there when they call)

you lost someone who thought like you. who knew you better than anyone else in the world but you can't blame anyone else but yourself for this.

you cannot mourn the loss. you hate them too much.

and to this very day they still do not understand all that has past or its consequences.

this is how i see the loss of fukuzawa and fukichi's friendship and how ranpo must have felt. i'm too tired to put my thoughts in better order maybe someday i'll rewrite this analysis (i probably won't)

i will now go back to my regular shit posting 👍

[eeriebpd]

Here’s some awareness on thought patterns/behaviour and what is reality for us abuse victims at the hands of family members.

We wake up everyday wishing all of this would be some sort of sick and twisted dream and that everything will be okay and we’ll feel safe around others and also safe within ourself

But no, this is reality, this is not a sick and twisted dream, and we do not feel safe in any way. Nothing is okay and will ever be okay

IT IS REALITY

We think to ourselves “Is it me?, is it my fault this happened?” “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet” “I don’t blame them for doing that, I’m pathetic”

WE BLAME OURSELVES FOR THE ABUSE WE HAVE EXPERIENCED/ STILL EXPERIENCE

A lot of us get bitter (not everyone) and we lose hope in people and shut ourselves away, building a wall between us

THIS IS BECAUSE THE ABUSE WAS AT THE HANDS OF SOMEONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF US AND LOVE US. WE FEEL WE CANNOT TRUST ANYONE AND HATE EVERYTHING !

For some of us, a lot of hateful and immoral thoughts occur towards that person such as “I want to hit them so bad, they make me so angry and feel so worthless” “I want to steal from them !” “ I want to make them feel so much emotional pain” “I hope they drop dead”

THIS IS BECAUSE THE ABUSE WE HAVE EXPERIENCED MAKES US HATE THAT PERSON AND WISH FOR THEM TO TASTE THEIR OWN MEDICINE !. BUT WHAT COMES WITH THAT IS ALSO HUGE GUILT FOR EVEN THINKING LIKE THAT !! WE DO NOT WANNA THINK LIKE OUR ABUSERS ! BUT WE KNOW THE TREATMENT WE GET IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL AND WE WISH FOR THEM TO FEEL OUR PAIN. WE DONT WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THEM AND WE GET SCARED THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE ANYTHING LIKE THEM !

Some of us have nightmares of the worst graphic/traumatic situations happening, we wake up hyperventilating, crying and to put it simply.. we want to die, we can’t take it anymore.. we don’t get peace.

THIS IS BECAUSE WE DO NOT FEEL SAFE AND UNCERTAINTY LOVES TO BURY ITSELF INTO OUR HEADS AND REMIND US THAT MAYBE ONE DAY OUR NIGHTMARES WILL COME TRUE !!

We do not trust people and push people away when they are genuine people who just want to be apart of your life

THIS IS BECAUSE WE NOW QUESTION EVERYONES MOTIVES. WE HAVE BEEN DECEIVED MULTIPLE TIMES BY SOMEONE WHO WE THOUGHT WOULD TAKE CARE OF US.. SO WE THINK EVERYONE IS CAPABLE OF USING US, ABUSING US AND IS SIMPLY THERE TO RUIN OUR LIVES !! WE ARE SCARED !!

I could keep writing everything that comes to mind that I experience as well as lots of people, but what I’m trying to get at is that all of this and MORE is what a lot of abuse victim’s experience and that being abused is VERY real and our state of mind while being victims of abuse IS NOT OUR FAULT.. the abuser is to blame.

Please never think it’s your fault your head is this way, your abuser did this to you and they know that, that’s what they were aiming for, to ruin you.

[cyarskj1899]

I’ll never forgive him who has put meg through two years of trauma that he caused and made her look like a liar when he was the one who shot her. I wish He and his fans a very rih(as in rot in hell) Same thing with Drake , Joe budden , Zach Campbell, Lebron James , Mariah the scientist, Dababy, Dj akademiks, 50 cent, all the media outlets that were slutting themselves out for this piece of trash by spreading misinformation and lies about his trial so much that they didn’t care about being ethical or professional (the fact that two white women and crime journalists were more accurate than “black” bloggers is just whewww I’m pissed) and everyone else who ever doubted her and I meant that with the upmost disrespect. Like seriously they can all burn right now, heck I’ll get the matches and kerosene and fry them arssholes myself.

Meg tried to protect him until he opened his mouth. The DA prosecuted him and she was still treated like a villain instead of a victim/survivor. Absolutely DISGUSTING. That man brought his child to court as a prop for sympathy knowing DAM WELL he was guilty 🤡. I pray that Meg and any woman/man dealing with domestic violence, are able to move on and heal. Stay strong, keep your head up, and make yourself a plan to leave. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

It’s crazy the amount of people who defended this violent troll over a black woman who literally got shot by a grown man. I’ve never seen a domestic dispute where people cancel a victim over a crime that is not only proven, but also completely logical considering his past. And people keep saying it’s the end of her career which sadly might be true cause we live in a backwards society but imagine being thrust into the spotlight right after you lose the only person you had and why you started rapping , your mom, and then being around a bunch of snakes and your sex life outed in front of the world to see for clout whilst in the midst of going to court for being attacked. And I’m sure it wasn’t a good feeling for her to know that she was gonna be locking up a man for a long time but she didn’t have no choice. If Meg didn’t press charges the state would have . She had no control over the outcome or even the investigation. Yeah she lied but I do believe she did out of fear because anything she did or said got back lash. I was even annoyed with her at points even tho I’m always gonna be on her side and the victims side. A recent phone call got leaked pretty much sealing the deal and I still see people refusing to give up their pride and still calling her a liar.

Imagine if your daughter got shot in the foot ? I lost my dad at 20 so I know Megan was extremly lost and just doing everything she was told to do bad influences or not. People don’t know that feeling of not being able to ask your parents for guidance or to just hold your parents for strength , you constantly just gotta think “ what would my mom or dad do” . She was hella young like 22 I believe. Until people have lost a parent they don’t understand how deep it can change you . Meg is a victim legally and figuratively but she’s been treated like a suspect this entire time.

Torey is a felon, torey has attacked people for not shaking his hand, he breaks gun charges , he fights in clubs, he’s very volitile , he is not a good person so why people defend him so heavy is lost upon me . Honestly I believe it’s just out of spite

He should have been deported long ago….you should not be allowed to commit all of these offenses and be able to stay here. You cannot behave like this in any other country and expect to stay there….. and his father can’t even raise his child right like You mean to tell me Tory’s daddy couldn’t rear his own son but wanna blame others for his failure as a father? Mane GTFOH!!!

This is the result of what happens when he had no one in his life to hold him accountable. He also fumbled every opportunity given to him. The shooting was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now, he’s facing the consequences. And he deserves it.

He has no one to blame but himself if anything Dude's his own worst enemy🤬

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“alright, your organs are okay. i sent all the medications i want you to take and you have to take them regularly in order to help regulate your flare ups. listen ms. l/n, you’re going to be okay. i know lupus sounds scary and judging from your closeness to your mother, you’re aware of the disease but don’t think too negatively okay? refrain from stressing yourself out, eat healthy, and everything will be okay. you will be okay. i’m sure of it” dr. fields tells you after your scan came out normal. you leave the hospital with your medicines but you’re awfully quiet. mainly because you’re scared.

what if you can’t really bare children? what if jungkook gets tired of taking care of you? what if you die?

you know the doctor said to remain calm and stress-free but it’s hard to do that when you’ve been diagnosed the same disease as your mother. you remember your mother feeling awful most of your life consisted of you taking care of her especially when her flare ups got really bad.

in and out of hospitals, overnight stays, it was traumatic and now you’re going to put jungkook through that.

he deserves to be with a healthy woman that he’ll live a long life with and not with a woman whose days are numbered.

he can see how the news has scared you and jungkook tries to console you by saying you’ll be okay and he’ll take care of you. he even offered to postpone the wedding until you’re feeling much better but you still haven’t said a word to him.

the postponement just has you feeling worse because you know how excited he was about the wedding. “Come yn.. please talk to me say something” jungkook begs because your silence is killing him.

communication. remember, communication.

“i…i’m scared. i’m really scared. my mom battled lupus, jungkook and what if” you take a deep breath because you can feel yourself about to cry “what if i die? there isn’t a cure for lupus. what if i can’t bare kids? what if i ruin a happy life you could’ve had with a much healthier woman than me? wh-what if you regret everything and just—,”

You suddenly start to ramble, and it catches him off guard because you start to say some things.. that he doesn’t really like.

Jungkook drives and keeps him driving and he doesn’t reply to your question before he can find an empty space where he can park the car and then he can make you understand that nothing will happen to you.

Because nothing can happen to you he cannot afford for that to happen.

Once he finds the perfect space, to park the car, he’s turned his head to look at you, and he immediately grabs your face and he kisses you on your lips, maybe to stop you from saying bullshit or just because he wanted to.

And he breathes deeply into the kiss. There is a lot going on in his head in the seeing you freaking out like this is only making him more scared.

“Yn…” once he breaks the kiss, he leans his forehead against yours, his fingers caressing your cheeks, “my love.. stop saying bullshit, because nothing will happen to you- nothing. You’ll live a healthy happy life with me.. and it’s even OK if you can’t bare children- that’s not under your control. I won’t blame you for that.- maybe even Jaemin is more than enough for us” it hurts him to say that because he really wanted and he wants more children with you, but if you’re unable to do that, he doesn’t mind that.

Why would he?

“A-And what is this bullshit about me being with another healthy woman? Yn… never say that again- you’re the only woman for me and no one can ever take your place.”

He’s telling the truth, and you should know better than that because he killed his own baby mama for you- no one can ever take your place and she tried to do that.

“I know that you’re going to make it and we’ll be happy together forever- and I’m willing to do anything for you- my time is all yours.” He presses a tender kiss on your cheek until he begins to kiss your tears away.

His heart is breaking into a million pieces right now because of the way you’re crying. But you need to understand that he’ll hire the best doctors for you, and even if the treatment in the country is not enough for you, he’ll take you to any country to make sure that you survive, and that you’re cured.

“You’re mine and I am yours and the way you took care of me while I was in the hospital? The way you took and still take care of my child and the way you love my mother and respect her like your own- don’t you understand you’re perfect for me?! And I’ll take care of you until the day I die.” he can see the guilt in your eyes. Maybe you feel like you’re being a burden to him and that’s a really hurtful realization to have.

He loves you and you love him. Why would you even feel like that? You have accepted him and his worst, so why wouldn’t he accept you at your lowest?

The ac’s cold breeze hit’s both of your faces and it’s a little bit comforting in a weird way, he hopes that you calm down a little- he’s going to make sure that you become healthy once again.

No matter what cost.

“So my love… stop crying and tell me what do you wanna eat? I’ll feed you with my own hands.” He is looking at you with all the love that he has for you.

And maybe you can even see the vulnerability in his eyes.

You should know how much you mean to him. Jungkook can lose everything, but just not you, because what would be the point of his life if you’re not a part of it?

“Yknow what? I’ll take you to my favorite lunch place and then we can talk over lunch and I make sure that you eat.” He smiles, and then peppers your face and kisses before finally driving to the food place

From Now on he’s going to stay at home and take care of you, he is not worried about his work, because he knows people will take care of it while he’s not present, but he knows that you need him the most right now and he is going to be there for you.

You have to get better and he’ll make sure that you do.

[grimmshood]

ok i think i finished it.

titled resilience. zarahjiwoon concerning post-entity scenarios. also posted on that fuckass site

wordcount: 1319

the clocksmith does not cry.

she is a respected physicist, a hardened and stubborn engineer, a cold blooded killer.

she does not cry. 

at least, that’s what she tells herself.

she has a bad habit of listening. listening too much, paying too much attention to other conversations when she is not involved. when she should be focused on her work. zarah knows she shouldn’t. it hampers her focus. she should be recalibrating her fists, should be studying the notes she takes on each survivor, each killer, each new mechanism the entity presents to her. she should be trying to understand the world that she’s in, trying to find the rifts that brought her here and trying to understand how to use them.

instead, she listens in on the others. those on her side are not always talkative, but when they are it’s hard for her to ignore it. especially when they're discussing the real work- the survivors. when they’re discussing what the survivors tell them and try to make them think.

she regrets asking caleb to let her study his work, because while she’s trying to tinker away and understand the parts, she can hear the others sitting at the bar. the cling clang of bottles and glasses, liquid moving from glass to mouth. the chatty ones like to debate, on occasion, and they’re doing it now.  

johnson was telling them all about how he’d watched the survivors all sit together and talk- about how they wanted to escape, how they wanted to kill the thing holding them and go home. he laughed as he spoke, because it wasn’t going to happen. everyone on this side knew that those poor survivors could do nothing about it, and that this was how life was now. johnson seemed to like it. she could hear him egging on the others for their thoughts. dr. carter’s neurotic laughter carried through the air. young had her own thoughts, not agreeing but not fully disagreeing. she wasn’t sure yet. 

she listened as the conversation became a “what if?” the debate: if it really did happen, if the entity really did die, where would you hope to go? what would you hope to do? 

the answers were varied, from not minding the idea of going back home, to those who would rather defend it to keep the status quo. 

the one that made her upset, was when ji-woon spoke. he laughed as he said it, the way he just… didn’t have a care in the world when he said it. that whatever happens, if it died, he ought to die with it. this was his paradise and when paradise fell he would fall too, gone together into ash.

but that upset her.

the way he could say such a thing, without considering all that he’d put her through. did he realize, that he’d done it? that the time he’d spent, claiming to earn his place by her side, all the time he’d spent earning her trust?

she wanted to scream, do you not care? don’t i mean anything to you? did i ever mean anything to you, or were you just toying with me? how can you sit there and drink your stupid tequila and talk like i mean nothing to you? why would you waste my time if you didn’t care? 

but she doesn’t do anything. she sits at the worktable, she stares at caleb’s guns with her hands on the mechanisms, she stares at the harpoon in the barrel and she thinks about slamming her head against the wall, about throwing everything off the table and breaking the doors. she thinks about how she feels stupid, how she knew he would waste her time and hurt her, how she’s not worth anyone’s time and that of course he was lying the whole time. he lied to everyone, why would she not be included in that? she knew he was selfish. she knew he only ever cared for himself, so why did she bother?

the clocksmith does not cry, but she wants to. 

she cannot bring herself to blame him, because she is the one stupid enough to let him in. to let him make her believe she is worthwhile, that she is anything more than a scientist who hurts people because she is afraid of them.

she doesn’t bother listening when the others are leaving the bar- she flicks her wrist and time stops.

in that moment she makes her exit, time starting again as soon as she is gone. he will not know that she was here, he will not know that she heard him. 

she does not know that despite being the person that he is, he simply has not yet considered it- he does not know that he could ever keep his place with her in any other world. he has not gotten the opportunity yet, to consider a world where he is allowed to enjoy her company the way he would like to. 

she does not know that he is growing ever close to breaking. that she is changing him, just by virtue of existing, that her presence beckons him closer to changing. she does not know that the heartless idol with all his grand exterior still has a soft heart, hidden somewhere deep beneath, and that it grows because of her. she does not know that she has made him want to change. that he doubts his place beside her because of his nature, that he believes he cannot change as much as he might want to. that he does not know how to care. that all the love he knew before was conditional, that he had to earn his love, that he only feels loved because he has worked for it. that he does not truly understand how to love or be loved. 

she returns to the real work, tries to keep it out of her mind. she thinks about the question. if this place was gone, she might still have a place back home, if she does things right. she knows he doesn’t have that luxury. she knows he threw away any thought of going back home during his finale, ready for his fall from grace only to be slipped away into the fog. she wonders if there is any chance of taking him with her- to somehow bring the idol into her world, somehow let him create his art. or even a chance to start over. to throw away their bloodlust and try to live like normal people do.

her past dreams were simple, to recreate their companionship in the fog. if only she could bring him home. to have a cat or maybe a dog or even a bird, to spend her days researching and her nights with him in her arms. that he could still make his music and perform, that he could share his art with the world in its hideous glory. to have a home to return to, a bed to sleep in, a heart to hold.

but she doubts and she doubts, because she struggles to believe that he loves her, for any reason other than being the only one lonely enough to let him in. 

he can’t even give her a reason that he loves her, because he doesn’t know why.

when their gazes meet, across the campfire, she cannot help it. that rare, gentle smile, he only wears for her- and she turns away.

she can’t be upset with him for a simple statement- she wasn’t there, they’d never discussed it between themselves- she feels guilty. she cannot even apologize because she has not said anything to him.

when he finally approaches her again, he can tell something is wrong. it is his nature to pry, but just this once, he wraps his arms around her in silence. 

she lets herself cry just this once, without saying a word. 

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Is there such thing as emotional grooming? Can someone with extremely bad mental health unintentionally "groom" a young teen into doing emotional labor for them?

(Context of the question below. CW for toxic friendship conduct and mentions of suicidal ideation, self-harm, and CSA)

I've been studying with a guy since I was 13/14, and he, 16. One day, he had a flashback, and I tried to help him through it, to be the support I never got. After that, though, he made me his personal therapist. All of our interactions would be about him, about how he wanted to kill himself, hurt himself, how he hated living, and was a burden to his family. He described to me the sexual abuse he went through, the porn addiction he had in childhood, his gruesome suicide plans and everything bad that had ever happened to him, all with no regard to if that would affect me. I feel it was my fault, though, because I encouraged him, happy that he trusted me enough to tell me his worst traumas. And I couldn't possibly leave! I'm the only one he could count on, the only thing keeping him alive. So it didn't matter where I was, how I was, and who I was with, every second of my time was an invitation for him to come foward dump his problems on me. It made me relive the worst moments of my life and resurfaced symptoms I spent years getting treated for.

At one point, I tried to tell him I needed a break, and he agreed. A few days later, he just started messaging me that he would try to kill himself if things didn't get better for him soon because he felt like things were only getting worse.

And now, almost two years later, he's finally... fine. Better. He started medication, talked to his family, fixed things. And now I have to see him laugh and go by his day happily and pretend that I don't carry the weight he put on me. Hell, he doesn't even know I'm still hurting, or that I ever hurt because of him at all! I was the only fool who gave himself away. He's thankful to me, but I just wish he would stop trying to be friends, like I wasn't just a tool for him to use just months ago. And I feel like I'm lying to myself in order to make it look worse than it was, projecting past abusers onto him, making him a bad person (which I don't think he is, I understand that depression can do that to a guy).

What is even worse is that now we're in a sexual relationship (I'm 15, he's 17). I wanted that for so long, but now, I can't even know he's in the same room as me without wanting to run away and hide. I don't even remember why I thought it was a good idea, but I regret it immensely. And now it feels like a responsibility, and I would feel like an asshole in just suddenly wanting to go back in what I started.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do. I know the answer seems obvious: "just don't have sex with him anymore", and yet, I feel like there's no way out of this, that there's nothing wrong with what he did and is doing, that yes, he hurt me, but I can't blame him because I never told him how I felt.

Thank you for getting through this, and please take your time to deal with this ask. Don't burn yourself out, alright? Ily.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. It sounds like this person traumadumped on you and you were made to feel emotionally responsible for this person's wellbeing and safety, which is an unrealistic and unhealthy amount of pressure on you. Please know that anything this person does to himself is not your fault or responsibility, even if you decided to take some distance. This kind of experience can also lead to vicarious trauma, which is a result of being exposed to someone else's trauma.

It's understandable you feel pressure to continue the relationship. However, sexual relationships between minors is not really a good idea since minors cannot consent, and depending on where you live, a sexual relationship between minors may not be legal. Also considering the traumatizing dynamic that has happened between you in the past, it may not be a healthy basis for a relationship, sexual or not. But perhaps there could be a useful discussion about past behavior, boundaries, and needs. It's ultimately up to you how'd you like to continue this relationship.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences, navigate your relationship with this person, and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you on your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[rphelperblog]

Queen of Air and Darkness Quote Rp Meme

final book in the TDA series by Cassandra Clare- feel free to edit or change pronouns for rp purposes

“As we all have an infinite capacity to make mistakes, we all have an infinite capacity for forgiveness.”

“Sympathy is common. Knowing the exact shape of the hole someone’s loss leaves in your heart is rare.”

“Making promises you can't keep is worse than making no promises at all.”

“I wish you could see yourself as I see you. You are so many things I never thought to want, but I do want them. I want all things with you.”

“One pancake at a time. Yes, I know you can get three in your mouth, but that doesn’t mean you should.”

“he and I are unafraid to express our manly love,”

“We cannot understand life, and therefore we cannot hope to understand death”

“Sometimes you have to Let people blame you. When the only other option is letting bad things happen, it doesn’t matter what people think.”

“Sometimes when you start a war, you want to make pancakes.”

“Some lights were never meant to burn for long.”

“The story that I love you, it has no end.”

tes far more joy than any pain it causes.”

“As long as you exist and I exist, I will love you.”

“Faith isn’t never having any doubts; it’s having what you need to overcome them.”

“I would that I had ever had a sibling who loved me as much as you love each other,”

"family is more than blood."

“Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is confront our own failings.”

“It had been a long time, and she had never imagined something quite like this: Moonlight and flowers were for other people.”

“Solutions aren’t usually mutually beneficial when one party has all the power,”

I forgot my weapons. But I do have this fork."

“Every choice has a long afterlife of consequences. No one can know the eventual outcome of any decision. All you can do is make the best choice you can make in the moment.”

“At the edge of everything, love and faith have always brought me back, and back to you.”

“I could slay with my deadly sense of humor and wicked charm,

“Grief can be so bad you can’t breathe, but that’s what it means to be human. We lose, we suffer, but we have to keep breathing.”

He loved one man so much he changed the world for him.’ ”

“You may not yourself be luminous, but you are an extraordinary conductor of light.”

"She definitely has a temper.I like it."

“What is a book? Is it the binding, the ink, the pages, or the sum of the words contained?”

“Sometimes you need to guard people against the things they want, as well as the things they fear.”

“Be good, my archer boy. Come back to me.”

“Words about things that are beautiful and precious to me don’t come easily. You know that. You know me better than anyone.”

“When I found you, I didn’t know what I was finding,"

“But I think you’re letting your fear get in the way of what you really want because what you really want is what you’re afraid of.”

“We are all guilty. And therefore we will all vote, as a reminder that every voice counts, and when you choose not to use your voice, you are letting yourself be silenced.”

“Be careful what masks you wear, child, lest you lose your true face forever.”

“Sometimes he carries me around like a swooning damsel.”

“This is the nature of having of a soul, and a heart. We all stumble around in the dark and we cause each other pain and we try to make up for it the best we can. We are all confused.”

“I still love her more than I ever thought was possible. I love her more every day, and more every time I try to stop. I love her like I'm being ripped in half.”

“Don’t remain silent about what you want, or you may never get it.”

“You're the only person I've ever loved like this, and I know you're the only person I ever will. And I'm not myself without you. Once you dissolve dye in water, you can't take it back out. It's like that. I can't take you out of me. It means cutting out my heart, and I don't like myself without my heart, I know that now.”

“People were made up of all sorts of different bits,. Funny bits and romantic bits and selfish bits and brave bits. Sometimes you saw only a few of them. Maybe it was when you saw them all that you realised you knew someone really well.”

‘Let it be that you should know no further sorrow.”

“Have you learned nothing from the way Batman’s parents died?”

"I was angry at you. I missed you. But I didn't stop loving you."

“Sometimes you cannot be loyal to everyone.”

"There's plenty of room for me to hate them all".”

“Take care, mèi mei.”

“You might be in the cage, but as long as you are like this, I am in the cage with you.” 

I missed your lunatic schemes.”

“But you’re the love I chose. Out of everyone in the world, out of everyone I’ve ever known, I chose you. I’ve always had faith in that choice. At the edge of everything, love and faith have always brought me back, and back to you.”

“It's hard to focus on your love life when giant spiders are chasing you.”

“I’m not sure I can cope with feline death on a massive scale.”

“Let us burn.”

“Have you ever wanted a really big tapestry of yourself?”

“You never thought for a second about it diminishing you to have a girl as your warrior partner, you never acted as if I was anything less than your complete equal. You never for a moment made me feel like I had to be weak for you to be strong.”

“In the meantime, I must ask you to remove yourself from my leg. You are sitting on it and it is becoming quite painful.”

“There are times, I think, where we’re each called. Where we can choose to rise up or not to rise up.”

“Some monsters are human”

ou're the most generous, and you spend the most time thinking about what makes other people happy. I think you should do whatever makes you happy. You deserve it.”

“Another night, a different boy with blue eyes. Wet weather in London, but when was it anything else?”

“But even if they fit differently now, they still fit like sisters.”

“I didn’t know if you’d want me to come in,”

“There’s nothing you could do to me that I wouldn’t want, because it’s you.”

“I want you to touch me,"

“I want to go slowly, I want to feel everything.”

“I want a war council,”

“Grief could be like a wolf tearing your insides, and you would do anything to make it stop.”

“Maybe that was why she liked horror movies; the dead never stayed dead, and those left behind were too busy wandering unwisely around in the woods to have time to grieve or feel loss.”

The thought of him lit a spark of warmth in her heart. She closed her hand carefully around the petals.”

“But so was any kind of love, and if love was a weakness, it was a strength, too.”

“I prefer redheads myself.”

“I cannot bear these inside spaces. And I have missed you so much. Will you come into the desert with me?”

“It seems the rumours of our death have been greatly exaggerated.”

“I could slay with my deadly sense of humor and wicked charm.”

[petrichoraline]

how do you face failure? i've been trying to do this thing for two years now and it's just not working out, stopping now would feel like i just lost all this time and keep going would feel like i'm either completely delulu or afraid to go for something else... i'm struggling so bad i feel like i'm bad at everything and nothing will ever turn out good for me... this hopeless feeling is eating me alive i'm in my late 20s i have no idea what to do i'm sooooo useless lol

i want to start this off by sending you a warm hug and thanking for your patience <3 please proceed

you're not a failure for struggling. you're not a failure for things not going the way you wanted them to. whether you keep on this track or choose to try something else - you wouldn't be a failure.

your struggle is valid. fuck, who wouldn't struggle in your place? everybody goes through something like this, some deal with it better than other but a Big Choice is an inherent part of the adult human experience and it's hard, sometimes painful and we all Struggle through it.

right now you're in the fog. the fog prevents you from seeing where you begun - you don't clearly remember what was going on in your head when you set off on this path. you can't see anything in front of you either, you can only tell there are other paths on the side which you could take, have you the wish.

you have a map with you but what good is it when you can't see further from your nose? this is your resource and yet you can't make use of it, why? because there's the fog. there are circumstances outside of your control- your reality is created by both your inner self (motivation, attitude, wishes) and outside influences. you cannot blame yourself for everything that happens for even if you want things to stop happening they will keep doing so - something always happens and that is not something to keep yourself responsible for so why would you put all this shame onto yourself for yet another thing that Just Is and isn't your responsibility? your responsibility is to commit and exhaust your resources - you care about this goal you've set enough for it to tear you apart but is it tearing you apart so much that you put your all into it? if you decide to take on a different path one thing that will nag at you is the thought that you're a quitter. on top of all the fear and energy you have to put into starting anew you're going to have this new conviction added to the list of insecurities that you can't bring something to its finish. giving it your all does not mean sacrificing your well being - it means not trying new approaches because of self doubt, throwing glances at other possibilities or being paralyzed by fear. the one thing you do not want to leave this part of your life with is regrets. the thing is there will always be "what if"s, every single choice you make will leave the road untaken as a what if. the dark shadow that may follow you after is regret and a regret's existence is dependant on you. the possibility, the other scenarios, the what ifs are a part of life - the pain in your chest though? that can be avoided if you step into your new ventures with the proper attitude.

so, about giving up - that in itself is not a dirty act. and if you do it knowing you did your best you're not going to feel dirty because of it. giving up is just letting go of what no longer serves you and might even be hurting you instead. you can give up on something and still not feel like a quitter and like you're less than only if you have certainty. but in the fog you can't have certainty about anything aside from what's in your heart and that's exactly where you have to build the conviction that things are as they should be, that what youre doing is right. the certainty you seek should not be in any future that lies ahead - that does not exist for anyone. but the certainty of your own abilities the certainty that whatever shit comes your way you can handle it, the feeling that you're gonna be okay no matter what you choose. and for that you have to believe in yourself.

you are feeling helpless because things are not working out as you wished and that has put you in a position from which you cannot see how capable you truly are. you are not incompetent, what you are is not confident. you have a flashlight but what use it is if it's broken? and it broke from all of these unpredictable turns of events, all these pressures both from people close to you and the burden you put on yourself which is getting heavier because there is no one to tell you that you are enough and already have everything at your disposal. even if there is someone trying to do so, you probably can't hear them anymore from the constant voice in your head telling you you're failing because you lack. and that voice is lying but it's just a part of you now and you take all that bullshit for a fact when it's not. "nothing will work out for you" - thats the asshole talking. ignore it, that is not a fact of life either and never will be. you are not failing, you are not useless, the fact that you care so much and try so hard and it hurt so much means you're so full of heart and desire and life and all of that energy can go outwards and be put into something that helps you.

"lost all this time" - you didn't lose it. you were there, present, during those two years. you were gaining information about the field, yourself, what sets you off, what motivates you, what your limits are. you were developing soft and hard skills on top of the field specific ones (assuming we're talking about a study-work situation). you didn't lose that time, you spent it. and what you gain from it depends on how open you are to learning from the information already available to you from this experience. do not be afraid of letting go of this goal just because you spent time on it - its okay to not finish something. not every project deserves your devotion, whether they do or not relies on you. it's like relationships - not every person is going to stay with you forever, most don't but that doesn't make the time spent with them less valuable.

I cannot tell you what choice to make - not only because we are, well, quite distant to each other haha, but because I am not you. even your closest person cannot make a decision for you. the responsibility is all yours and that sounds terrifying but it's also so powerful, having something depend solely on you.

you can go down a new path, it's exciting and brings you new opportunities to learn. but you have got to close the previous chapter with confidence. you cannot bring all that baggage with you, you've got more fog to fight. if you start something new you need to understand how truly valuable and capable you are beforehand and that you are not seeing yourself objectively.

you can keep going down the same path- you are not delusional for assuming that what you've set out to do could actually work out, it's a very real possibility. if you want to stay on the same route, you have to keep your head up high and trust that your commitment and effort are worth it. two years are a relatively small period of time in the grand scheme of things and some ventures simply take more time. and again, see your self value. I am telling you with absolute confidence that you are so much more talented than you think and you are able of things you can't even imagine achieving right now.

you are afraid of moving forward, you are afraid of stepping sideways, you are afraid of letting others down and not meeting expectations. you are paralyzed by fear but you are not stuck. you have to move - you can't stay on that spot on the path forever. take your time, think things through, look inwards, catch your breath and then take a step. the unknown is exactly that - unknown. you cannot focus on all the bad that could happen, you have got to look forward to all the good that lies ahead because there must be some good in each choice. it's all going to be okay, you need some patience, some love towards yourself and a bit of faith. you've got it, trust me. at some point in the future (whichever future that is) the fog will dissipate and you'll realise how many of your worries and concerns were just a product of your fear and have no reflection on the real world. so please believe in yourself a bit more, I know I do, immensely.

[brainwreck]

God, I love you.

We've still yet to meet face to face, and I love you. So much. It hurts, honestly. Not because I fear I will miss my chance or mess up or never find you, but because I have no outlet. No outlet for this affection that's been building. Nowhere to place the emotions I've been bottling up; the emotions and affection and feelings I've been hiding from those around me.

Only a few know how I feel towards you. They are kind, but cannot magically make you appear. I wish it was that simple; that I could ask for you to contact me and it would happen. I do wish that. I do wish you would contact me right here, right now.

You've brought me so much joy, yet so much sorrow, and you've yet to say a word to me. Yet to allow your gaze to meet mine, yet to study me as I wish to study and learn from you. I do not blame you. No, never that. I blame myself for fighting the thing that allowed me to discover who you are for so long. I blame myself for attempting to be different, to never fall in line with the herd of sheep that drifts across the land we walk. I am stubborn, and that is my flaw. One of them, anyways.

I write to you every night. It helps, to get my thoughts out, to sort through the jumbled mess of things I feel. But you cannot see these words, nor do I wish for you to see all of it. There are things I write to you that are purely meant for my eyes, and my eyes alone, just as there are things I write to you for your eyes alone.

There are words I will speak to you at night, the nights we are alone, meant for only you. I will not say them to another, I could not say them to another. They will reside in your spirit for as long as you shall live, reminding you of how much I love you. I will make promises I know I can keep, and I will assure you I will never bring you harm. I will tell you stories and thoughts I've kept hidden from the world, of places we have yet to see, of places meant for only you and me.

You are my home, ?̶̧̛͚̗͔̬̖̯̺̰̌͐̑͌̎͂̃͘<̶̨̮̦̞͉̪̟̙̰́̎̍̅͗͘!̸̲͓͉͎̙̯̮͍̗̽͑̄́#̸̲̺͕̤̣̪͂̍̇. You are the place I belong, the one calling me. You are half my soul, half my life. You are the one thing that I never could hate, the thing that makes me smile even if the world is burning down around me. Your voice brings me a peace I've never felt before, that glimmer in your eyes causing my heart to ache. I've become a better person, for myself, thanks to you. I've done things I never imagined to have the confidence for before I found you. I've gone further than I've ever gone before, I've leapt over the boulders blocking my path. I've turned the bad into something good, I've lifted burdens from my shoulders.

No matter what stands in my way, no matter who tries to drag me down, I will not falter. I will walk a hundred thousand miles, and then a hundred thousand more, just to be by your side. You are worth the world times ten to me, ?̶̧̛͚̗͔̬̖̯̺̰̌͐̑͌̎͂̃͘<̶̨̮̦̞͉̪̟̙̰́̎̍̅͗͘!̸̲͓͉͎̙̯̮͍̗̽͑̄́#̸̲̺͕̤̣̪͂̍̇. You are my everything. The light of my life, the thing that keeps me going. You pull me from the pits of tar I entangle myself in. You keep away the cold, you shelter me from the storms. But I embrace it all, as it is part of the journey.

Soon, my love, I will tell you this. I can feel it, I know it within the deepest part of my soul.

And I will always love you.