#3. A BITCH LOVES BAKERY AND BAKED GOODS

[scooprtroopr]

slowly catching up on all the tag games, thanks @thecreelhouse 🖤

bookstore au or fisherman au ✷ bartender au or spy au ✷ neighbour au or farm au ✷ wedding planner au or roommate au ✷ billionaire au or mob au ✷ western au or hospital au ✷ rockstar au or bodyguard au ✷ office/coworker au or firefighter au ✷ lumberjack au or deserted island au ✷ fantasy au or soulmates au ✷ modern au or historical au ✷ sex worker au or a/b/o au ✷ bakery au or academic au ✷ pirate au or babysitter au ✷ camp counselor au or werewolf au ✷ coffee shop au or flower shop au ✷ apocalypse au or treasure hunter au ✷ tattoo artist au or single parent au ✷ royalty au or vampire au

here's just an open tag if you see it and wanna do it too 🖤

[imaginesmai]

Right around the corner (3) - Azriel

LISTEN I CAN EXPLAIN if you've been here for a while now, you can expect this part. If not, may I present myself - hi, I'm Mai and I'm an angst queen bitch. Fourth part already on the way, don't worry!

(1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Plot: the turth comes out, but in a way Azriel didn't expect.

Warnings: prepare tissues.

Azriel had taken his time to process the words, and in the meanwhile, he had received so many notes from his family that he had his hands full of small paper balls.

There were notes from Feyre updating him of the screaming match between Cassian and Rhysand, long texts from Mor promising him the house was a safe place for you and that he better hurry to bring you out. Even Amren had written a brief ‘I knew it, boy’ that had him more worried than before.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t want you to meet them. He loved his family like nothing else, and knew they would only be supportive and kind to his new status. Him being mated or not didn’t change the way they saw him, but part of him – the part that had felt rejection from his mother and his blood-family, was scared.

Azriel ended up sitting in the kitchen counter in front of you with a frown and a growing headache. Even though it was late and you had had a long day, you instantly noticed his mood.

“What’s wrong?”

It wasn’t unusual for Azriel to go quiet in your presence. You had learned by then that it didn’t mean you did something wrong. Most of the times, it was his insecurities popping up randomly in his mind, the troubles of the day dragging him away from you.

And through the years, you had learned that there was nothing else to do but to stay close to him and remind him that he was there. Right with you, and that you loved him.

Still, as you stared at him that night, you noticed it wasn’t the usual frown. He snuck glances at you and moved from the couch, where he was banned, to the kitchen. You left the bowl aside and stood in front of him, one arm extended so he could hold your hand.

“How do you know Feyre?” he asked, not taking your hand.

“Feyre as… the high lady?”

“Yeah. You greeted her the other day. You two know each other?”

“Guess so. She has her art study right in front of my bakery, haven’t you noticed?” you answered, not understanding the nature of the question. “When she moved in, I baked her a welcome to the neighborhood pie and she has actually painted two of the pictures I hang on the wall”

“Feyre painted pictures for you?” Azriel raised an eyebrow. “Are you two friends?”

“Well, not friends per say, but we know each other. That’s what usually happens when you work in front of someone else’s work” you shrugged, you open hand still empty. “Why?”

“I didn’t know you knew her”

“Should you know I know her? For any specific reason?”

“It would have been nice to know you know my high lady. My brother’s mate”

“Now you know. What’s with all this ‘you know I know’? Why does it matter?”

You didn’t understand why but there was an annoyed edge on his voice that you didn’t like. As a morning person, you usually went to bed early, and any minute past midnight was a minute you were supposed to be asleep. No matter how nice it was to spend time with Azriel and how good he had made you feel an hour ago, now you were annoyed.

The male stared at you, still not answering your silent call for his hand. One of his many shadows crossed the table and jumped at the chance of tangling between your fingers. That would have been enough to make you laugh any other day.

That night, you just stared at each other.

“Az, why are you so – “

“Because you should have told me, Y/N” he cut you off. “You know how important my family is to me, and I think it’s fair to ask that if you know any of them you should tell me. So I’m prepared for this”

“What’s this exactly? Late night discoveries about my neighbors?”

Azriel was quiet for a moment, frustration clear in his features. It was a stupid argument over a stupid situation, and Azriel being on his underwear and you only on his t-shirt without panties didn’t make it any less stupid. You rarely argued, and when you did, it was you who had the pointless argument and Azriel the calm one.

His shadows moved behind the couch and dumped in front of you a bunch of papers. They were all wrinkled and Azriel didn’t have time to hide them or think about how to approach the situation before a new one popped out of thin air. It landed next to your open hand, his shadow catching it and unfolding the content.

Does she eat cereal straight from the box? Is it why you’re hiding her?

You didn’t need to think hard to know it was talking about you, and who the note belonged to. In the past, Rhysand had sent notes to Azriel while you were having a shower together, in bed together, and one had even appeared inside your oven while he was helping you around.

“Feyre told them about you” Azriel explained, having read the note upside down. “And because I didn’t know you knew her, now they are deeply offended and want to meet you”

It took you a while to make sense to his words, because you couldn’t find the problem past you not telling him about Feyre. Quickly, you read some of the notes where Cassian threatened Azriel and Rhysand demanded his presence. They were friendly notes, no harm in them. Still, you couldn’t understand the utter sadness until you realized the meaning behind his annoyance.

Finally, you pulled your hand back to your side, not with little resistance from the shadow. You must have opened the bond channel because Azriel frowned, hit with sadness instead of the usual love.

The first note, where Rhysand explained that Feyre had told him, was what brought it all together.

“You haven’t told them you have a mate”

It occurred to you that you had believed it done with no proofs. You didn’t mind Azriel being at your house, living in your apartment. You didn’t mind having separate Starfall and lives. You didn’t mind either when he left for a family dinner and kissed you goodbye, because you understood his need of privacy, of having something that was just his.

What you didn’t understand until that moment that he hadn’t even told them you existed. And through all the reasons that ran to your mind at his silence, you couldn’t pick just one.

“It’s not that they don’t know me. They don’t know you’re mated”

“You agreed when I said I need to take things slowly. That I needed time” he blurted out suddenly, your sadness making space for his annoyance. “The bond was a surprise for me. I didn’t want to rush things”

“Azriel it’s been six years. Six! It’s not a casual fling or a one-night stand” you tried to voice your hurt, your sadness. “It’s not the same not meeting them that being a secret”

“It’s not like I keep you a secret. They haven’t asked and I haven’t – “

“Because you haven’t told them! What – How do you explain the days you spend here? And the… I – Azriel, we’ve been dating for six years and they haven’t asked?”

“They’re used to me sneaking around”

“For months?” you chuckled. “We were locked here for months after we mated. How did you explain that?”

His words were background noise because, above his absences, there was something you realized they should have noticed. Something anyone noticed from mated pairs as soon as they left the house. White noise filled your ears as he tried to excuse himself by talking about missions.

About your safety, about the worry of something happening to you if they discovered you were his mate.

Azriel blurred in front of you as realization hit you and tears filled your eyes. You could barely hold it together as you spoke.

“You’ve been hiding the mating bond” your breath hitched, because if there was something more important than your bakery, it was your bond. “They should have smelt it. But you’ve been hiding it”

“I didn’t hide it, please, don’t say it like that” his voice broke at the end, willing you to listen to him.

“Right. Because you can’t hide the bond from them unless you don’t accept it” you saw the moment your words hit him, the guilt in the way his shadows almost clouded your vision and his wings flared. “You didn’t accept the bond”

Azriel didn’t answer and, worse than any other betrayal or pain, it broke your heart. You remembered offering him the lemon pie, him tearing up and eating. Accepting the bond was an individual decision, one he should have made years ago – just like you did.

You still shared it; you still were mates. The only difference was that, while you proudly loved him and adored each part of his body and soul, he had rejected your smell on him, your imprint on his own.

An invisible hand cut off your air supply and your breath hitched. You covered your mouth with your hand and muffled the sob, but he felt the exact moment your heart broke. Even if he didn’t show it to the world, he could still feel you. Your feelings, your essence. His own eyes teared up and now he extended his hand forward.

A silent invitation, the same you had given him so many times when he was in need of comfort, of love.

But that time, you didn’t reach forward nor acknowledge the shadows that tried to pull you closer to him.

“Get out”

“Darling”

“Get out” you pointed a shaky finger towards the door.

“Y/N, please. It’s not what you’re thinking” he tried to explain, his voice broken by his sorrow. “I accepted the bond. I just – “

“Get the fuck out now!”

The bowl that you had been filling with lettuce, salmon and other vegetables flew from the desk to where he was standing. His shadows, by their own consciousness or his master’s, didn’t stop it as it crashed against his chest. It spilled all over his naked chest, and before he could clean it, there was another tray with grilled pork on your hand.

Azriel’s last look to you was of pure despair and sorrow. He winnowed away before the second tray could hit him, leaving you with his shadows already cleaning up the mess.

As soon as he was out of sight, you fell down to your knees and sobbed.

-

He didn’t have a plan, and when he winnowed away, the last thing on his mind was the sound of your heart breaking. There was no way he would go to his house and face his family, not when he wasn’t even sure what had happened in your apartment. Couldn’t start to comprehend the pain he had caused you and how much he hated himself for it.

So, without planning to, he ended up in the cabin.

The old wooden walls and ceiling greeted him, different from the ones he remembered from his past. Feyre had added drawings everywhere, there were clothes scattered around, and food that was still edible.

No matter how familiar the sight was, it offered him no comfort.

Azriel dragged his wings through the floor and sat on the couch. Propping his elbows on his knees, he hid his face as the first tear rolled down. Followed by many more.

He replayed your hurt voice once more, your face. It hadn’t been his intention to reject the bond, not really. But he hadn’t run away from it.

It took him two weeks of uncertainty to know that he hadn’t taken it the way you had. While you radiated with his scent, people didn’t ask him. He walked past Cassian during training and his friend just teased him for being disappeared for a month. Rhysand commented about having to report to him every now and then, and Amren didn’t even acknowledge his presence.

That was how he discovered that he had to accept his part of the mating process. He had to be proud, to want it, in order to complete it.

But you had been so happy, so full of joy and love, that Azriel had feared that telling you about it would make you sad. Eventually, he had learned how he should have done it – but at that moment, he didn’t know. Besides, he could still sneak whenever he wanted to without explanations. So he hadn’t said anything.

The first year rolled by, and he spent a good amount of days panicking about how to deal with the situation. The second year passed and you didn’t ask about it, neither did his family. By the fourth year, he had almost forgotten about it.

Azriel’s loud sob broke the silence of the cabin. His chest contracted and his body shock. It was different from any type of suffering, of pain, he had ever felt. He could still feel the echo of your own through the bond, could hear your cries in the distance.

In the lonely cabin, under the moon light, the shadowsinger sobbed and cried until his voice was raw. He was angry at himself, at his past and his traumas, even angry at you. Because now that he knew what it felt to be complete, to be happy and safe in someone’s love, he couldn’t bear the thought of not having it.

His body gravitated to the side and he curled himself in a ball, still in his underwear. It reminded him of when he was a kid and would try to hide himself in the dark cell, cowering in his fear and desperation.

As if he was a kid all over again, Azriel let his wings cover his body and cried. Cried until he couldn’t remember his name, until he was begging the Cauldron to turn back time and let him accept the bond. Carry you on his arm around Velaris and don’t let the fear take control of his life.

He felt like punching a hole through the wall. Like flying thousand feet up and letting go in free fall. Maybe get into a bar fight and let everything out. But his body was anchored to that couch, to that pain. Azriel pressed his closed fists into his chest, trying to relief some of the pressure.

While he wondered if that was what having his heart ripped from his chest fell, he forgot to keep his mental shields up.

Letting Rhysand in.

-

The house of wind had been chaos for a few hours.

Rhysand had tried to manage the situation by himself, wide awake in bed while processing Feyre’s words. He willed himself to sleep, to rest and leave the pondering for the morning. But when he tried to close his eyes, he could see Azriel covered in blood and killing an entire camp because an illegal wing clipping. He could notice the faint, new smell in the house that he hadn’t noticed.

If he had his eyes open, he couldn’t help but look at Nyx’s new toy.

So, Rhysand had woken up Cassian, after Azriel hadn’t answered his notes. And Cassian had been mad. Angry, furious, raging. The general had talked nonsense about berries for a while and then he begged Rhysand to wake up Feyre and find Azriel to interrogate them.

And, who was the high lord to deny a late-night gossiping session?

Feyre had been mad but she had told them that Azriel had a mate that worked in front of her art studio, in a bakery. That you were nice and cheerful, that you had been mated for six years.

That was when Cassian lost it and woke up the whole house.

Now, all the members of the inner circle had gathered in the council room with their pajamas on.

“Maybe it’s not true. Feyre, you might have had imagined it”

“Are you calling me a liar?” Feyre raised her eyebrows at Cassian.

“I’m just saying he would have told me! We’re brothers. And we don’t keep secrets in this house. Never.”

“You don’t keep secrets” Amren cut him off, not looking at him. “Your bean brain is too simple to keep any type of secrets from us, but that doesn’t mean all of us are exhibitionist”

“I’m not – “

“You are an exhibitionist. You announce everything, Cas. Even a fart” Mor corrected him before he could defend himself.

“Sorry for being kind enough to not keep secrets from my family” he frowned, turning to look at Rhys. “You keep secrets from me?”

“I don’t keep secrets from you” Rhys assured him, half a smile.

“He threw the sword you gifted Nyx for his birth and told you Bryaxis took it so you wouldn’t look for it”

Feyre looked at her mate with a raised eyebrow, daring him to say anything else. With a wide-awake Nyx in her arms, she looked at threatening as the Hybern army. She had yet to talk to him privately, but Rhysand knew he was up for a long talk. So he bit his lip and turned to Cassian. Who, of course, looked completely broken and defeated.

The rest of the group was silent, barely keeping their smiles to themselves. Even Nesta, who had a hand on his shoulder, was looking at Feyre with approval. Cassian stared at Rhysand for a long second before he talked.

“It was a nice sword”

“For a teenager, maybe. For a baby, not” Feyre answered again. “Weren’t you just talking about Azriel’s betrayal and secrets?”

“I, for one, knew he was hiding something” Amren commented for the third time. “Just saying I noticed. And you didn’t”

“Not all of us are creeps that stare and don’t talk. We have social lives to take care of” Mor said.

“Some of you do talk. Maybe too much”

Rhysand tuned out Amren and Mor argument when he felt a crack through Azriel’s mental barriers. He had been tugging at them softly to know where his brother was. Feyre had talked him out of the idea of barging in uninvited and demanding answers – at least, he had talked Amren and Mor out of it. Rhysand and Cassian were still unconvinced.

That was why he had kept a talon poking at his mental barriers since the argument started, thinking it wouldn’t be successful.

But then, Azriel opened it unconsciously and Rhysand brought a hand up to his chest.

Everyone fell quiet as the high lord scrunched his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, not ready for the wave of emotions and pain Azriel was feeling at the moment.

Feyre’s hand was instantly on him, Nyx looking up to his father with a pout that would surely turn into a crying session soon. Before the baby could start crying or any of his friends could ask him about it, Rhysand accepted Feyre’s help and got up from his chair.

“He’s at the cabin” he announced, already summoning his darkness to swallow Cassian and him there. “We’ll keep you updated”

Nyx’s loud cry was the last thing they heard as they winnowed away. And the first one they heard from the cabin, was Azriel’s broken one.

Want to read more? Check out my side blog @imaginesmaimasterlists, where I keep all the masterlists! Feedback is always appreciated

Right around the corner taglist:

@lesliemurillo @impossibelle @polli05927 @florencemtrash @going-through-shit @minakay @setayeshmohseni @torchbearerkyle @esposadomd @amysangel @kennedy-brooke @originalcrusadetrash @luvmoo @historygeekqueen @marriedtolike18fictionalmen @wallacewillow0773638 @tothestarsandwhateverend @kristalhi @knmendiola @nikt-wazny-y

[cerealmonster15]

Heyyyyy *tucks hair behind ear* can we get more Third Year poly? 😃

HELL YEAH LET'S GO sorry in advance if me saving an ask as a draft causes any tumblr glitches or if i missed any autocorrect/typos bc i did some of this on my phone late at night 🕺 also this is mostly just going to be me Blabbing Forever til i get tired or hit some sort of limit so WOOHOO THIRD YEAR DIVORCE POLYCULE TIME!!!

a readmore because there is a Lot of Text and Screenshots and Doodles so. it is a long post. SORRY.

i have so many twst thoughts just floating in my brain at all times so i didnt know where to start, but i did peek on your blog and see trey clover postings + trey/malleus which gives me the starting point of FIRELIT SKY OVER SANDS EVENT MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a big W for trey/cater/malleus community [and also jamil had fun interactions with them but SORRY JAMIL THIS IS ABOUT THE THIRD YEARS RIGHT NOW!!!!]. i love that event So Much. that's the main place i can recall trey and malleus interacting and also they both had so many good moments w/cay... i love that cater calls them all -kun in the japanese dialogue, even malleus who so many people are scared of. hes like teehee no you still get hit with friendly cute honorific beam <3 i think malleus' main entryways to whatever the hell the third years have going on is via treycay for marriage but also, of course, his insane divorce beams with leona. and then when he heals vil in book 6 there's no escaping the polycule. best of both worlds welcome to the family LOL

anyway it's so fucking funny that cater and trey are like the normal class citizens having shock after shock of their lives in this event, being exposed to kalim's way of life and then whatever the hell comes out of malleus' mouth jfklsjdfls. anyway the scene where they get dressed in that event is everything to me like i thought about this dialogue for So Long

like hello. Flirting. malleus telling cater he looked Bright Like Fireworks changed me as a person like i literally NEVER got over that line. And then caters like EXCUSE ME OTHER HUSBAND QUIT BEING A WALLFLOWER!!!! silly. Also

This is soooo cute caters like “hehehehe I danced with Trey in the fancy ballroom” and grim is like “wow you bitches are having too much fun 😒” ??? Like a hater I guess LOL. But Trey gets so shocked and embarrassed about it going NO I DIDNT DANCE CATER JUST PULLED ME AROUND!!! like bro it’s grim 😭just admit you love your boyfriend it's FINE!! it’s so silly lol.

but also i was so mad at them in that one scene where cater was like "omg it's the fruit that makes you friends forever if you take a pic let's take a pic!" AND THEY ALL SAID NO. WHAT THE HELL. BETRAYAL AND AGONY cater got stuck with the "dont take a picture of me i dont like having my picture taken" squad 😒 jade wouldve done it. if he were here. sorry this aint about him either FSDLKFJSKLG trey clover you have let cay take pics w/you on several occasions why'd you have to shut down his fruit. ill kill u. sjkflJKFLDJSKLF JK JK aside from that. very cute stuff.

Spices !!! lol i love that cater apparently just keeps pointing them out to trey like umm teehee doesnt that one sound sooo tasty and fun to cook with <3??? and treys like ok yes i will cook for you forever. because i love cooking and i love you. jkfdlsjfklsdj and then malleus is so funny to me hes like wow clover sure knows a lot about spices. i dont know anything about spices 😔 WHYS HE LOOK SO CRESTFALLEN ABOUT IT?? idk why that's so funny to me but it IS Lol. it's ok malleus just. marry into the polycule and trey can do all the spice IDing for you idk 👍 malleus draconia looming in the shadows of clover bakery watching his beloved normie husband bake. Hell yeah brother.

cater teaching malleus to take pics and using his hip cool teen slang that confuses him is soooo cute ough i love them. like i started shipping them i think specifically from the PE story where cay wanted a pic of malleus and malleus was TEASING HIM by running around and being all evasive, so i love that it comes back around here with more photography bonding lol. and then cater 👀 talking about malleus' music and commenting on the more melancholic vibes... this line marinates in my mind for now, i actually forgot about that one. i am 🔍 thinking a little more about how cater sometimes gets those implications and scenes where he himself is a little more on the melancholic and loner side of things, and i do think that's another point as to why i like to put him with characters like malleus and idia [also leona??] lol because i think it could be interesting to put cay in his somewhat less performative state [not to say his ENTIRE character is an act, there are layers here, but omg if i start going into my cater diamond thoughts again we'll be here forever so i will not get into that rn LOL]

anyway i would like to see cater and malleus play music together. i think there's a line somewhere - i wanna say cater's pop/light music club card had a homescreen line? where he says something about how he wanted to try a ballad out but lilia and kalim were a lil too wild hyped up or maybe that the three of them could never settle on one genre lol i forget exactly. but i think malleus with his knowledge of Stringed Instruments In General [he has a guest room line where he's just like. yeah if you have any stringed instruments i can play those. he doesnt specify which ones so i guess he just knows All Of Them. Okay.] + cater on HIS stringed instrument, the guitar... they'd be a cute little music duo. i reckon the style of music mal plays isnt what cay's used to but i think he could be into it once he's used to it. he's making that expression in the second part there ^ that doesnt look particularly off put or really anything extreme, but like hes just Thinking about it. pondering if you will. me when i over analyze one little dialogue and facial expression flkjfklsjfKLJFDSKLJF. They’re even matching their closed eyes thinking pose….

you will find my thoughts about 3rd years and also twst in general skew HEAVILY towards heartslabyul centric thoughts because. i spend the most amount of time thinking about them and who they interact with LOL like omg i know malleus and leona fight a lot but i actually genuinely struggle to remember specific instances of it besides that one laundry saga with like the ceremony robes mix up thing JFSKLFJKSDL but i sure can talk for many paragraphs about like, one off dialogues they have with cater diamond specifically.

Trey feels like a trophy husband LOL I mean not really but also kind of. Mostly bc I remember one of his cards has a home screen line where he’s like “yeah I’m the vice housewarden but it’s really decoration bc riddle does all the work himself” <- Trey when he downplays his own contributions. but also when you look at all the other third years they’re all SO MUCH and treys kinda just chillin. He keeps everyone fed while they do their antics 🫡 i also love that Trey is more or less the one with the least hostile bonds of the third years shfjcngng everyone’s fighting for their lives but Trey clover is cool. I mean Idia did list him and rook in his top 10 scary vice dorm leaders or whatever the fuck it was he said in one of the beans events LOL but ASIDE FROM THAT. god i love Idia he is so strange.

Anyway Trey and cay are soul mates bonded for life in my eyes so they are a package deal integrated into the divorce vortex of third years djffngbgbght like Trey is besties with cater and they were roomies for two years. He’s science besties with rook and they keep buddying up during events together. Vil praised him in vils lab coat story and even was convinced by Trey to take a break and have the cake he brought over lol, and I think??? That’s also where he was like “hmm I’d like to have you as pomefiores pastry guy 🧡” or whatever??? and he was like Ha Ha No Thanks I Dont Want To Do Calorie Calculations fkljdsfklsd. silly. Malleus seems impressed with treys dedication to his craft or at least bc he knows what spices are lol. i feel like theres a gap in my mind when i try to remember malleus and trey talking outside of the sands event.... also the coconut thing was funny in that event where malleus just busted one open with his bare hands and trey was like WHAT THE FUCK!!! i dont remember anyone else's reactions but i am p sure trey at least was. shaken to his core with how wild that was LOL. anyway. I think Idia finds Trey scary bc he finds everyone scary but also sees trey as the normie type guy who is good at socializing and seems unassuming on the surface but is concealing HIDDEN POWER??? I can’t remember if that’s something he actually said or if that’s my headcanon lol. Leona and Trey interact quite a bit in playful land event but I still don’t wanna say too much in case that’s spoilers for eng only people!! But Leona always has that smug smirking TENSION VIBES when he talks to his fellow third years like that bastard is trying to speedrun the marriage and divorce at the same time. He has Trey and cater in his sights actually I doodled that once I gotta find it

it was on a post about second years so i cropped it but i also left some of them in bc i think my joke was like teehee third year divorce polycule that riddle thinks is strange despite also kind of being in a divorce polycule himself with like. the fish and jamil at the very least KLFDJSKLFJKGLH but we cant get into the second years right now this aint about them WE DONT HAVE TIME!!! actually lemme see what other images i can post before i hit a limit just by skimming thru my drawing tag

heres rookvil ft leona re: rook and vil's bond when rook was still a savanaclaw and then transferred to pomefiore,,, i want to know what it was like in savanaclaw with both leona and ROOK lkfjdslf

this was something i drew after book 7 part 111 or something, i was watching the youtube fan translation so i guess it is maybe not out in engtwst yet but no context dont worry about it. dont. dont worry about it. idia and malleus.

cater rook smoochie doodle :]

classes 2c and 3b my beloveds... i am also realizing as i skim thru my drawing tag that i draw. a lot of Second Years skfjsdljgh

CAYTOBER JUMPSCARE!!!! every year in october i do a cater doodle every day because I Love Him and hes fun to draw. this one included lurking malleus, for some reason. i like when he looms behind people but hes kinda just. gripping cater by the shoulders here KLFDSJFKLG?? whatever it's fine

ALSO TREYS BIRTHDAY IS DURING CAYTOBER SO HE GETS TO HAVE DAY 25!!!! we are once again in the cater skewed territory lol

LITERALLY why do cater and vil feel like such a RAREPAIR!!!! there's a line in jpntwst in vil's R card standard uniform story with him and cater, and in the original cater's like "woahhh your eyelashes are sooo longggg [gets in his space] haha for a moment i thought about dating you~!" and vil's response is more or less "ok well you should know that dating me would be very EXPENSIVE." and caters like aw bummer hehe <3 or something like that. something along those lines. engtwst changed it to cater saying something more like "ohhh woah your eyelashes are so long for a sec i thought i was dreaming~" and vil says "well you should be glad there's not a price for dreaming about me" or whatever. honestly still a little gay but def NUKED >:[

but also while i have you here i have to talk about the cater milf enjoyer line that they ALSO nuked EVEN MORE than the dating vil line that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT i swear to god let my guy be bisexual. it's not related to the third year polycule thing but i just want to talk about it. anyway in i think either cater or trey's ceremony robes story[i mix them up bc theyre both in each other's 🧡 but i think it was probs cater's?], when cater and trey are watching the sorting ceremony and doing their game together about guessing which dorm each student will be in [btw so cute theyre playing a game together lol i love u treycay my BELOVEDS] anyway they see epel go up, and debate on if he will be in heartslabyul or not. i believe in the original theyre talking about how epel's pretty and cater's like "ooooh i bet he has older sisters~! or if he doesnt have sisters, he at least has a mom~ HEHE JKJK" like. hello. FJKSDJFLDSJGKLFJ i think treys just like 😑 about it LOL god. but then in engtwst they CHANGED IT!!!! to cater commenting that epel "looks like he does his dishes" and trey was like "you just want him in heartslabyul so he will do your dishes 😑" which is so. like. huh>????? that boy looks like he cleans up after himself and does his dishes. GIRL HELLO why does that. wh. that's such a drastically different line from before lol. like at least with the vil one it was still honestly a similar ballpark, cuz cay seemed like he was going "wow youre soooo gorgeous i thought i was dreaming~" which still feels flirty even tho they took out the DATING line, like im still mad about it but it couldve been worse i guess. wow vil you look like you do your dishes KLFJDSKLFJLK

anyway. cater and vil are so interesting to me. like a lot of times vil is rolling his eyes and calling cater out for his superficial tendencies because yeah, to be fair, cater DOES Have a habit of sweet talking to try and get something out of it - like magicam clout. HOWEVER ill defend to my death that theyre not ONLY interacting like that and they do sometimes get along jfklsdjfl specifically in the halloween events, like the first two halloweens and then also theyre both in the puppet playful land event, which is i guess not halloween in universe BUT it's twst's halloween event lol, and they DO get along and work well together in those!!! i think vil likes cater fine and doesnt mind him, but he will just call him out like he would anyone else if theyre doing something he doesnt agree with / hes like [sonic voice] IVE FOUND YOU FAKER!!! but when cater's not being suspicious hes not got reason to be aggro.

ace jumpscare!!! this was directly from a guest room fight i had between trey and cater and then ace was also there just chillin while his dorm parents tried to kill each other :3

but it's ok i also drew them smooching jsdklfjsdlgjh this all also tells me i need to draw some non cater third year ships!!!! well i will still draw cater. but i will also draw Other Ones because I LIKE THOSE TOO i just jkfjslejfk

ok this post is getting too long so i am going to cut myself off now but FIRST!!! i feel like my stoopid caterella multiverse ideas probably also applies because there are a lot of third year branches involved in that one LOL . and ummm some fics ive written for third years hmm what do i have...

this one is cater/idia and it's one of my more recent fics and tbh one of my current favorite ones ive written so far lol.

some short leona/cater sorry these ARE all going to be cater related jkljfdkslfj when it comes to fics the main things i write are something cater or something jamiazu KJSDFKLS

this one technically isnt ships but i think i reference a few, it's cater and leona hanging out and then also trey and vil are there lol

trey/cater fic about them getting together when they go to rook/vil's wedding

and then this is the only cater/malleus i've written somehow despite having drawn them a lot over the years and them being one of my early twst ships... i think about them a lot why havent i written more for them...

i also have never written cater/vil which is a crime. i tend to pair treycay with rookvil and i just hfsdhgskljel the four of them. lock them in a room together study them under a microscope forever. theyre the most married section of the overall polycule in my mind lol the least likely to fight but they will probably still bully each other for funsies sometimes because they ARE still nrc students <3

ok ok ok i am dragging myself away from the keyboard. cerealmonster talk about something that is less heartslabyul centric challenge level IMPOSSIBLE!!! sorry i like all of them but i just have heavy bias towards my fave dorm forever LOL JKSLFJSDL

[yinyanchan]

So we've seen what jobs the boys would do for jobs in Housemates, but I'm curious, what would the boys do in their own aus (what job they'd do and what would they WANT to do) once on the surface, and how would we meet them?

Also thank you so much for all the work you put into your stories, they've brought me so much joy and I love the different ways you portray all the skelebaes! And I'm happy that things have been going better for you! Take care! <3

Thank you so much!!! I wanted to give them jobs they either came to enjoy or wanted in housemates.

I wanted Sans to pursue things in education and Papyrus is never far so I had him like a an assistant coach. It's something that I believe if they had their heart in it they'd excel at. I do believe that San's level of education would actually qualify him to run a school and not just teach. He could help out if needed but the monster is very good at what he does... just a lazy bones. Papyrus is an absolute delight for anyone he works with but I see something more with physical activity and if Sans chose the career path he is on he'd definitely want to pursue a coaching position. Not only getting to direct a team but cheer from the sidelines seems something he'd really like. Seeing as Papyrus already knows he doesn't need the royal guard to make friends he doesn't have the need to pursue anything on that level.

For Blue and Berry they would've preferred a job that meant either security or law enforcement. Blue still has the dream of being in the royal guard and Berry is haunted by it. Blue in his timeline would probably pursue law enforcement but Berry will take things way too personally. Even if the royal guard didn't disband in his timeline and Berry was captain... I can see tension coming to a head and a sabbatical would be determined by all to be his best bet. He'd end up working low key at a bakery to help sooth his weary mind and end up staying. He'd rather bake than deal with those problems ever again now that he has the option.

Rus would rather be data mining and game programming but he'd also rather sleep. He likes what he does in housemates because the campus will always be tame if Reggie has anything to say about it but in his timeline he'd definitely be making hit indie games of his own while trying to find his next bitcoin.

Red is a guilty pleasure. I am engaged to a Red persona as we speak. Lewd, crude at times but loyal and a complete and total teddy bear with resting bitch face. They just don't have the accent lol. They work in a Deli so... that's the reason for this headcannon and honestly it would suit him. Running a New York style Deli and secretly smirking that you just gave everyone your meat.

Edge is fond of puzzles and I figured the best puzzle for real life would be an apprentice locksmith. He gets a little bamboozled over the digital locks at times but he's getting to learn a lot about how humans make their intricate puzzles that are like magic puzzles to get to continue on. I believe he would have tried out for security or even law enforcement in his timeline. I do believe once he gets locked out and sees a locksmith in action his curiosity would get the better of him and he'd begin to follow in their footsteps.

Orange... anything stay at home. Reader is going to find out more about Orange as they realize that he's been more secretive about himself than the others in a way. Orange's attachment to his brother makes things hard for him. He's constantly worried about something happening so if he can't be at his brother's side he'd rather do something at home where he's most comfortable and actually able to relax. He does ad services and research on his own time and does freelance virus security work. When he's not doing either he is trying to sleep. It's really hard for him to sleep but once he does get to sleep he's out. Sometimes it happens at random so he very much prefers to be home if at all possible.

[lihikainanea]

I have a situation and I need advice.

I have 2 friends with benefits. J is 6’4 fit, gorgeous face, pretty eyes, all my friends rave about how hot he is but he’s HORRIBLE in bed. He’s nice and funny and honestly great in every way except bed. And it’s not even like his dock is small, it’s not! And he goes down on me, but he’s just bad at everything. I’ve given him tips and told him how I thought I liked it done, but even then he’s somehow still SO BAD. Now he wants to be my boyfriend and he surprised me with a music box that plays the theme of my favorite show and drove across town to get my favorite baked goods from the fancy pretty bakery. Just ugh! Perfect movie quality shit here.

Now I said I had 2. If I’m his girlfriend then I have to give C up. C is a lot younger then me(I’m 32, he’s 22) and is also shorter than me (I’m 5’10, he’s 5’7) but the boy can put it down better than anyone ever in the history of sex. I mean he can get me off so hard, I can’t see and I feel drunk. And then do it again. And the man has a perfect penis, but sex is all he is for me and he feels the same with me I am sure. He is very open and honest with me and will tell me about girls and even ask advice. It’s a really chill no jealousy type deal.

Everyone in their right mind would go for the gorgeous thoughtful lawyer that’s my own age but dammit I’ll have to go spend a thousand dollars on sex toys and get myself off in the coat closet or something.

Talk some sense into me. Please

ohhhhh it's a SECKS situation. I love these.

Look, ya' girl Lei is all about dat chemistry, you know? Because not only is it nearly impossible to find, but it's absolutely impossible to fake. Maybe you're different, but chemistry doesn't build from nothing for me. Some people "click" with the people they're dating after like, 3 months but my sister in christ if I don't click with a man within 3 seconds of meeting him, we're never making it to 3 months. I've always been like that. Chemistry is immediate for me.

But look, I need to ask you a real serious question here: do you actually like J, or do you just feel like you should? Because sometimes we're kind of brainwashed, and good guys are just so rare and hard to find--sometimes when we meet a nice guy, we feel like we have to like him. Because he's actually nice. And he's doing everything right. And if we can't like a guy who checks all the boxes and does everything right, then maybe we're doomed.

But sweet nani, you don't have to like him. You just don't. It's okay that he checks all the boxes. It's okay that he literally does everything right--he's sweet, he's kind, he's caring. It's okay that he's all those things and it's okay for you to still not click with him.

It's a bitch, but it is what it is.

Now, to his defense--sex skills can be honed. They can be improved upon with a lot of patience and a lot of open communication. But you just...you don't really sound like you're into him. You sound like you don't know why you're NOT into him so you're just kind of hanging around, waiting for a wet soggy log to light the bonfire flame of your inner goddess.

Meanwhile you got you a short king with a blazin' match and a bottle of pure alcohol, going all pyro on the flame of your inner goddess, and has a wickedly mean weenie to boot. If you're both honest with each other and feelings aren't involved, and if you continue to be honest with each other--then I say go for the fun. The mean weenie. THE SCEPTRE OF SECKSY.

Nice guys are amazing, but if you stick with J and your heart ain't in it, you're robbing a fellow girl of the exact guy that she's looking for--and hell, maybe the sex for her will be amazing.

[sluttypatrickstar]

sad bitch journal

december 16, 2022

been thinking about chronicling my depression for a while, guess there's no time like the present to start. no idea what this will be like in the future and i'm not pressuring myself to Write Good for this bcus frankly. No ♥️

i have been chronically depressed for about as long as i can remember but it’s been particularly bad this year since i graduated uni. haven’t found a job and am also unsure of my ability to work so i volunteer at a charity bookshop to try and give myself something to do as well as build up experience. it’s p boring but i love books so i can forgive it. a lot of my shifts are pricing books and seeing if i can fit them onto the shelves (this can be a real battle). crime and thriller is the bane of my existence because they’re overflowing. there are so many crime/thriller books. Help

today i decided to rearrange the romance section because i noticed a lot of the books had been out for a while and hadn’t sold. you learn a lot about a genre when you’re shelving it. romance is a very colourful genre

pictured: a mills & boon rrp. i love whoever decided this

i also learned that it’s REALLY hard to tell the difference between romance and cosy women’s fiction because they both look very cosy and have colourful and sweet book spines

after my pretty low-key shift, i bought some books (a really cute book of poe poetry, i’ll be gone in the dark, and the life changing magic of tidying up because i am a Messy Bitch) and met my dad to go to ANOTHER bookshop where i had a click and collect to pick up

pictured: the good stuff. Books

often i feel really guilty for buying so many books at our shop when i don’t even have an income but i really liked all of today’s finds so it didn’t feel so bad. sometimes i buy books and just wonder what i was thinking

then we went to a bakery and i got a brownie and a cookie/brownie combo which i shall have later and UGH YOU GUYS THIS BROWNIE

unspeakable joy. delicious. yum. 10/10 cured my soul. so tasty. the world can be hard but it’s all worth it when i get to have some Baking

i headed home after a bit – my dad’s cat, who is going deaf and is very sweet and wants cuddles ALL THE TIME loves plastic bags so spent most of the time licking my bag – and the bus came quickly and got me home quickly. i’m used to bus delays and getting stuck in traffic so i liked that a lot. Zoom

if you’re outside of the uk, then here’s a little bit of context: our postal service, royal mail, is striking throughout december. this means that not only are strike dates affected, but mail is piling up and they have so much to deliver already this month because of christmas post. so there are ofc postal delays! and about 3 weeks ago i ordered a wee colouring book on etsy by an artist called lilmeep. i got their first colouring book for my birthday in the summer and loved it a lot and sent the friend who bought it updates and showed her all my finished pages. so i’ve been waiting for this second book to get here.

i knew there were going to be delays, but i started getting worried that maybe it got lost as it dragged into the 2 weeks since posting mark. i really wanted my new colouring book, i was so excited, when was it going to arrive? and earlier today, as we were into my third week of waiting, i wondered if i should shoot the artist a message next week letting them know that it hadn’t arrived yet jic it had been lost or smthin.

and i got home and went into my bedroom and

IT’S HERE IT’S SO CUTE I’M SO EXCITED AAAAAAAAA

so yeah. i was just reflecting on how even though my brain is a shitbag and things have been really hard and it’s fuckin COLD and SAD outside, i got to enjoy these moments of colour and joy today. sadness and tiredness still leak into my day, but i was able to find these moments to enjoy, to get all these things i had been looking forward to, to spend time with my dad and his silly little plastic bag loving cat ... joy exists, joy remains, you can still find it

[ihatebnha]

kacchako anon here‼️ btw i have no clue what i sent cuz im a dumb bitch all i know is i sent a kacchako ask a while back so i am here‼️ ahem. what would you like to discuss today? 🧐

KACCHAKO ANON, you're so cute!!! the ask was just about having kacchako's baby and them falling in love with u...🥺 i was always planning on answering (and still could, if you'd like), but like many things, it ended up slipping through my fingers as tho it were glassy sand on the beach... 

Anywhooo, this isn't as in depth as i initially thought it would be (and it's about eating... so if that bothers you, i will simply take myself out to pasture), but...

I was just thinking about how Bakugo probably takes u and Ochako on the cutest dessert dates!!! To little teahouses and donut shops or ice cream places... and then just like, revels in how cute you guys are eating ur your yummy snacks in between demanding that you feed him bites of everything... 

And he gets so like... proud of himself too LOOOL when you give him kisses of thanks, just sitting there trying not to blush but feeling so good about himself for being a good boyfriend to both his girls😤😤😤

Honestly, it’s making me cry because I bet Bakugo is also the type to drops off sweets for you both at work🥺 like, bringing in a couple dozen pastries from the bakery that you like for u to share with your sidekicks and stuff… 

Idrk, but it just seems kinda perfect for poly!kacchako in my head, you know??? 👉🏻👈🏻 (and especially if you consider that ochaco lets you guys try the batter and lick the spoon when she’s baking… and how much they kiss and baby and CUDDLE you when make things, too. Lord Jesus have mercy on ME!!!!!!!) 

Anyway, I love u <3 

[donutloverxo]

The donut mishap

Note - This is the first of my soft!reader series. I'll try to post them chronologically now on. Note that this is set in 2013. And a dear friend helped me out with this. Thanks a lot to her <3.

Summary - A quest of baking donuts brings you to the avengers tower. But what happens when your paths cross with the star spangled man?

Warnings - curse words, steves ptsd

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 2.3k

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

You squinted your eyes concentrating on putting just the right amount of pressure on the piping bag to get the perfect swirl of frosting on the cupcake. Your breathe hitched as a little air bubble appeared, aside from that it looked perfect. With a nice stiff peak.

You smiled looking over the cupcakes and donuts; over 12 hours of work. You felt like a proud mama.

When you started working at the Bakery, granted you only did so because you loved how cute their desserts looked but never could afford them, you thought you’d get to make money off of your love for baking.

Instead they stuck you in the back, doing books and maintaining accounts. Yeah you were going to grad school to be an accountant but it still wasn’t fair!

You never got to learn anything new about baking, or even try any delicious pastries. You just spent 4 hours everyday playing with the numbers.

And then you got a call from Linda, your boss. Panicking about how the head chef is sick and they have an order from the Avengers.

The Avengers were just a bit controversial. But for the most part everyone was grateful for them and looked up to them.

You can’t disappoint them. They’re superheros! Literal gods!

You didn’t really have much of an opinion on them. Except that the God of thunder from space made you all tingly sometimes.

You were just happy you got the chance to make such variety of desserts. Maybe now you could convince Linda to let you help out in the kitchen every now and then.

“You’re going to have to deliver them yourself.” Linda said looking them over and taking a small bite from the mint macaroon. “Take a taxi. Think you can handle it?” She handed you a hundred dollar bill.

There were only two boxes, one with the donuts and another with different assortments of patisseries. You accepted the bill and called for an Uber.

Normally the bakery doesn’t do delivery but when someone even mentioned Tony Starks name, Linda agreed to deliver, almost gave it away for free.

You made it to the tower in one piece. Glad to know that all the desserts seemed like they were doing alright in the boxes. You craned your neck up to look at the tower. Yet you couldn’t see the top.

You tried your best to be careful with the giant pink boxes in your hands muttering ‘excuse me' to anyone you may come across so as to not bump into them. You gently lay the boxes on the reception counter. Giving the brunette receptionist a huge warm smile.

“These are for Pepper Potts. Should I just leave them here...” You trailed off.

Looking around to see everyone dressed to the nines in sleek business formal clothes. You were wearing your pink dress with small red strawberries splattered all across it, it ended just below your knees, maybe not the perfect dress for the beginning of fall, or making a delivery for that matter. It made you feel self-conscious you tried your best to not think about how unprepared you must seem.

Which wasn’t entirely your fault. They were the ones that expected such a large order in under 12 hours.

“Alright ma'am you can go up and set them up.” She said hanging up the phone and giving you a visitors pass.

“Oh I...” You wanted to disagree. Ask for someone else to do it. You just KNEW you were going to mess it up.

But you couldn’t really say anything when she smiled “Thank you.” Probably in a way to shoo you off and deal with the person behind you.

You somehow made your way to the elevator, asking for directions twice, only it was too crowded and you were running out of time. “I’ll take the next one.” You said, although no one really seemed to care, they were either looking at their phones or chatting with each other.

A nervous smile painted on your face, so you could delude yourself into thinking everything is fine to calm your nerves. You couldn’t even afford to take your phone out of your sling bag to look at the time, not with your hands occupied.

After waiting for forever you were able to get into an elevator which was only occupied with a few people. Finally you were at your desired floor.

You were to take the boxes to conference room B12.

So you looked around, distracted. Your mother had always told you that your absent mindedness will one day come to bite you in the ass.

‘Try living in reality once in a while.’ She had said in such a condescending tone.

You huffed back then, thinking you were fine just the way you are. Until you bumped into what you thought was a brick wall, too distracted by the numbers and signs and twists and turns.

You quickly looked in front of you, when you felt the boxes you had held up collide with something. It wasn’t a wall, it was what looked like a human man. You tried to balance your feet stumbling back a bit before falling flat on your ass.

“Omph” You let out as you felt the cold hardwood floor sting your behind. Your precious donuts and desserts falling to the ground.

You looked at the ruins, how the frosting and sprinkles decorated the floor, taking it all in, asking yourself if this is a dream.

By the angle you were sitting in, you were sure the man could see your underwear, but you didn’t care. Because you were completely ruined.

You looked up at him, your lips quivering and your eyes glossy. “Why?” You asked as he stared at you completely dumbfounded, as if he had never seen a girl before.

Steve wanted to refuse right away. As soon as they said the words ‘honor’ and ‘appreciate’. A ceremony just to honor him and thank him for his service to his country.

He did try to convince Tony that he hated such things. To be the centre of attentions and plaster on a pageant smile for all the flashing cameras. That is not what he signed up for. His goal was never to get fame and recognition.

He ultimately had to relent. Because it was supposed to be an inspiration for others and to ‘boost morale’.

“Just flash your perfect pearly whites for a few hours, it’s really not that hard.” Tony said slapping Steve’s shoulder. As if they’ve been friends forever and he doesn’t take some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in watching Steve suffer.

They spoke of how brave he was, how even as a sickly kid he stood up for what was right. For his country.

Really he could tolerate all that. Even be grateful for it.

But his anxiety came back as they showed pictures from the wartimes, projected onto the white screen.

He’s a hero they said.

So brave.

Selfless and compassionate.

A man out of time.

Lies. Blatant lies. He was far from a hero. He knew that. But he realized the extent of it when he saw the pictures, some of them familiar to him, having happened just in front of him not so long ago, even if it had been decades for everyone else.

All of his brothers, his best friend died. Protecting their country. For their duty. They made the ultimate sacrifice and were more than happy to do so.

He recalled one commander saying how he would love to die serving his country. It would be his greatest accomplishment.

And here he was. Wearing a suit that he had no doubt cost thousands of dollars. Drinking expensive champagne, giving interviews, having his face on magazine covers. Taking pictures with his ‘fans'. Living the high life.

How the fuck was he a hero?!

He couldn’t look at the remaining pictures or listen to them. He tried to zone them out, tune out his anxiety and his guilt. To not let his mind go to those dark places, to linger on the past. Nothing good would come out of it.

He could still do good. Be good. Wash off his sins. If he kept trying and moving forward. If only it wasn’t so hard.

There was no such thing washing your sins off of you. No one can resolve their sins by simply confessing to them in church. Or counting thousands of hail marys. His hands and his soul will always be tainted with blood.

Somehow he got through the whole thing. He was about to run off the men’s room. To take a breathe and collect his thoughts.

Tony stopped him “What’s with your resting bitch face Rogers?” He snarked but was taken aback by the scowl he received “Fine go. Remember we have a meeting with the corporal.”

Which was what the whole ruse was all about. To appease the army. He was surprised at just how bad the whole world is, but he couldn’t even begin to comprehend the shitshow that the army had become.

He rubbed his face sprinting towards the balcony. To get some fresh air, be alone as long as he can before he has to go back to being Captain America.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t hear your footsteps, which his sensitive hearing really should’ve picked up on.

He turned the corner only bump into you. Making you fall on your ass.

“Why?” You gave him a look of betrayal as tears fell down your face. You wiped your cheek with the back of your hand kneeling and working on putting your desserts back in the box.

“Oh my god... ma’am I’m so sorry.” He apologized as soon as he registered what he had down. Crouching down before you to help you clean it up. But he doubted that you would be able to eat them.

“All my work.” You moaned looking up and meeting his eyes.

Your defeated face almost made him pull you into his arms. But it wouldn’t exactly be proper to do that to a stranger.

“Don’t call me ma'am!” You huffed as more tears escaped your eyes. “I’m not like 50!” You crossed your legs sitting on the floor and staring at your boxes.

“What should I call you then?” He asked his tone gentle and inquisitive. Truly curious to know what your name was.

“How about you call me nothing? You’ve done enough.” You frowned as you looked into his crystal blue hues. He was simply put beautiful.

You never thought that’s the adjective you’d use to describe a man, but that was all you could think of.

However his beauty didn’t excuse his actions. It certainly wouldn’t bring back the desserts you worked so hard on. So all you could do was be mad at him.

“I can pay for them.” He blurted out and then winced. You probably made them yourself. He can’t exactly replace them.

“It was the first time I truly baked. And now I’ll lose my job.” You sniffled tracing the frosting which was smeared on the floor with your finger. “And the Avengers will all go hungry...” You rambled your voice small. All you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry into a pillow.

You sneered at him as he chuckled. He immediately stopped pressing his lips into a straight line. “I doubt they’ll go hungry. I promise you won’t lose your job. No one has to know.” He reasoned. His plump rosy lips stretch into a smile, that must be worth at least a million dollars. His eyes creasing and yeah he really was beautiful.

You felt your anger resolving but decided to remain firm. To not let him work his charms on you. “They will call my boss when the delivery doesn’t arrive. And my boss will fire me!” You exclaimed spelling it out for him. Since he seemed to fit the stereotype of the dumb pretty blonde. Or was that exclusive to women?

“I can promise you no one will tell your boss.” He hesitated but then put his hand over yours in an effort to reassure you.

“What? How – how will you do that?” You asked getting more and more frustrated that he failed to understand just how grave this situation was for you.

“I uh... do have that kind of authority.” He said giving you a small nod. At least he could do some good with this ‘status' he held.

“Hm” You hummed still suspicious. But he was wearing a suit which looked expensive. His stance seemed that of someone who was powerful. His voice although soft held some stern undertones. “I – how do I believe you?” You asked and laughed at your misery as you realized you didn’t really have a choice.

Finally, pressing a palm on the floor you got up. Collecting your boxes. “It’s okay.” You sighed. “I guess I wasn’t really looking either. Whatever happens I’ll deal with it.” You said giving him a somber look.

“Uh – are you sure?” He stammered afraid he got you in trouble and couldn’t really do anything about it. Even more so that you were leaving and he’d probably never get to see you again.

“I’m not really a liar.” You shrugged as he stood up with you.

You didn’t have the opportunity to marvel at his tall stature, and how big he was compared to you. Or just big in general. You simple turned around your head hung low.

Only to look back at him over your shoulder. You tried to suppress a whimper, at just how hopeless you were, and asked “Which way is the elevator?”

Tags will be in the reblog! If you want in on the taglist click the link in the bio or shoot me an ask/dm.

Please note that my work is NOT to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission. Reblogs are most welcome though!

[btsmakesmehappy]

Palate Cleanser | 1

Genre: Agent au, friends with benefit (sort of), Stranger to lover, Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut

Pairing: Agent!Taehyung x Baker!reader

Word Count: 5,6k

Rating: 18+ (M)

Warning: broken heart, cursing.

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 completed

Summary: Taehyung needs something to take his mind off his broken heart. His best friend, Jimin, suggests that he should meet another woman and the first woman he met was you. Would you help him even though you have your own problem, that you hate men?

a/n: Hello again! This mini series is a continuation from Broken Vase. You can read it as as a standalone, but it’s better if you read it first for better understanding! As always, english is not my first language, so I would really appreciate if you give me correction or any suggestion. Please tell me if you want to be added on the taglist!

Also this is gonna be a part of The Company series (Click it for agents’ description!). Please look forward for it!

Taehyung walks mindlessly in the city. It is already noon, but still, he doesn’t want to go back to the company. The sun shines brightly like it is mocking him. And how the roads are full of couples, it is like hell to him. He hates it. He wants to be with someone too. Someone whose hand he can hold in the middle of a busy street. Not just someone, but someone he truly loves. That particular one who chooses Namjoon over him. He knows that the girl loves Namjoon deeply. He always knows it. Yet he refuses to acknowledge it. He thought that if he stays with her by her side, she will reciprocate his feelings. But it is just a mere hope. Love is not that simple.

His phone vibrates inside his pocket. He looks at it only to find Jimin is calling him. “What do you want, chim?” He then moves to the sidewalk, to take the call. His back leans onto a brick wall.

“Hello to you too. Where the fuck are you? The meeting is in 5 minutes, you know!” Jimin yells from the telephone. Taehyung taps his foot impatiently, waiting for Jimin to stop his blabbering. “Just come here fast!”

Taehyung interrupts, “I am not coming.”

There is silence on the phone and when Taehyung wants to turn his phone off, Jimin yells again. “Are you crazy? The meeting is about our mission in Hawaii. All of the agents who worked in it must be present. Our boss and that girl are gonna ask me about you.”

Taehyung can feel his heart stop for a bit after hearing about that girl. The girl he loves. But still, he doesn’t want to meet her. He is not ready. She will be together with Namjoon in the meeting. A sight he never wants to see. “Just act like you don’t know anything! I am hanging up!” Taehyung hangs up before Jimin replies back. He then turns his phone off and puts it again inside his pocket.

Yes, he thinks that it is not professional for him to avoid Namjoon and the girl. He doesn’t hate them, Hell no. Namjoon is one of his best friends and so does she. But he still needs a moment to mourn, to finally moving on. He sighs and walks again. His stomach grumbles. He hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday. He doesn’t even believe it himself. He thinks that only women will have anorexic as a breakup phase. But it seems, losing appetite applied for every human being who is brokenhearted.

His feet stop in front of a small bakery. It has a blue color outside and yellow inside, a rare combination since some people think that blue is not an appetizing color. He decides to buy some bread and eat it in the park, he is not in the mood of any rice right now. He just needs something to fill his empty stomach. The bell in the door rings as he opens it.

He is welcomed by delicious smells of freshly-baked bread. He takes a tray and walks around. Somehow the smells make his stomach growls even louder. After many considerations, he chooses a bread with red bean paste and butter and also an egg sandwich. He also takes a coke from the chiller and walks to the cashier.

He puts the tray in the cashier and his eyes wandering around the small bakery. The bakery itself is cozy, with some corners full of cute photo spots. There is only some seating area in front of the cashier. Taehyung is nodding at the rhythm of the music when his eyes dart at a little placard with a hand-written scribble beside the cashier.

Girls get 50% off

Taehyung frowns his brows and asks. “Why do only girls get 50% off?”

You raise your head. “Because all men are trash.” You reply dryly.

Taehyung gawks with that sudden explanation. “I’m sorry, what?”

Just before you say anything to the random guy, someone hit your head. “What the fuck, Hani? Why did you hit me?” you touch your head and look at another girl, Hani, who holds a rolling pin in her hand.

Hani then grabs the placard and tears it into pieces. “How many times did I tell you not to use this stupid ‘girl only’? You want us to go bankrupt?” She then throws it into the trash can. Hani turns to the man in the suit in front of them. “I am really sorry sir.”

“Why? I said the truth!” you shrug. Hani then glares at you, which shuts you up. “Fine. You handle this then.” you then walk to the back, to the kitchen, while Hani handles the cashier.

Taehyung is flabbergasted. His eyes following your back. What a weird girl. “So, how much?”

Hani then smiles, “2700 won. Would you want to pay with cash or card?” Taehyung gives her an exact amount. “Oh, this is a free cookie for you. It’s a new recipe.”

Taehyung takes the paper bag and nods politely. “Thank you.”

“Thank you! Please come again!” She yells to the girl as Taehyung walks out of the door. He can hear how the weird girl is being yelled at. Somehow he finds it amusing and funny, not at all weird.

He walks to the nearby park and sits on the bench. He puts the paper bag beside him. He looks at the bag. Palate Cleanser. A weird name for a bakery. It should be used for an ice cream parlor or that kind of stuff, but instead, they use it in a goddamn bakery. Well, not only the people working there are weirdos, the bakery itself is weird too.

He chuckles. Taehyung loves unusual stuff. He was once scolded by the higher-ups when he showed up in the Company in a pajama set and the other time in a suit with some doodles on the back. It is just his fashion sense, and everybody in the Company just looked at him like he was crazy. Why can't he be the unique one? It’s not that he bothers anyone with his habit nor his fashion sense. He opens the sandwich first and bites it. Not bad. Maybe he will come to that weird bakery again.

“What the fuck, Y/n? You almost scared him away!” Hani yells at you. She puts her hand on her hips. It may be the fifth time she yelled at you about this, this week.

You shrug. “So what? That is my intention anyway.” You open the kitchen cabinet and pull out a sack of flour, chocolates, caramel, and a bottle of peanut butter.

She pinches the bridge of her nose. “He just wanted to buy some bread for god sakes. Not making a move at you!”

You look away and walk to the kitchen island to make another batch of cookies. “Men still are trash.” You said as you rolled your sleeves.

Hani just shakes her head. “Not all men are trash.”

“They are!” you yell. “You lucky you found a good one.”

“Enough with the stubbornness!” She sighs. “Fine then, just think like that. But don’t you ever put that placard again! People would think that this bakery is a lesbian crib, you fucker.” Hani stomps her foot to the front, leaving you alone in the kitchen.

You sigh. I hope I am a lesbian, maybe It’s just better that way. You begin to measure the cookie ingredients. Your mind wanders freely as your hands work. You have done this for almost 5 years now, and you can measure a basic cookie dough subconsciously.

It’s because of Youngjae.

It was maybe the lowest point in your life. You found Youngjae naked in the bed with your college friend who you thought was your best friend. But frankly, she was just a bitch. Youngjae was your boyfriend for 3 years, you dated him in the last year of high school. He was kind, handsome, and smart, basically a grade-A boyfriend. You thought you were blessed for having a nice boyfriend. You gave all of you to him. But apparently, he cheated you all the time in your relationship. For 3 fucking years.

You are glad that you have a nice family and friends to help you through it. You cried, starved yourself, and did not take a bath for weeks in your break up. Hani is one of your friends that supports you in that hard time. Instead of just depressed and sad, she helped you move on. She was the one who printed huge ass banners that said ‘Youngjae got herpes’ with his photo and stuck it on every surface in your college. It probably cost you some dates but you were happy and satisfied. You were relieved that you got out of that unhealthy relationship. But still, you despise all of the men in this world.

You studied hard after that, took patisserie classes, not bothered by guys and dating. You get on your feet and finally, you open a bakery in the middle of the city with your best friend. It is like a successful revenge. Even that jerk ruined your life, you still have your best friend and a great job that you have always dreamt of.

You always love baking since you are just a little kid. You love the moment when you wait in front of the oven. You love to see how all the raw ingredients turn into an edible one. And you love to give your food to people, you love seeing their reaction. There was even a time when you made bread with a miso paste fillings. It was a horrible combination that made Hani and your family throw up. But you love trying new things, or just watching them trying your disgusting food.

You put the cookies in the oven. This time you made a batch of sumbitches, cookies filled with peanut butter, chocolate, and caramel. It is your bakery’s special and most favorite one because your customers are mostly girls. Who says that the girls need love? Well, who needs love if you can eat chewy, sweet, salty, and crunchy fresh baked cookies while watching Netflix?

Taehyung decides to go back to the Company after his lunch. He is racking his brain to avoid the other guys. He looks at his watch. The meeting should be over in an hour. He better moves faster. He speed-walks to his cubicle, nodding at everyone in his way. It is not that he has a job to do. He hasn’t got a new mission yet, so he basically can slack around. He sits on his chair. It’s been a while since he moved back to this city. He always chose to be located in other countries as an asset. He loves to interact with new people and to be in a new environment, not stuck in this tiny cubicle in a suit. But after that Hawaii Mission, the boss orders him to return to the head office, and well, he can’t refuse. Even Yoongi, who was an asset in Hawaii, ordered his return too.

He moves his chair around. He is bored. Maybe he is going to ask Jungkook to play with him. Oh but Jungkook is at the meeting. He sighs as he props his hand under his chin.

“Tae! Where have you been?” It’s the voice he wants to avoid the most. She walks to his cubicle with her bag on her shoulder. He can see the scar on her cheek is not as red as before, since it was from two weeks ago. “You are lucky, the Boss didn’t ask for you!”

He smiles sheepishly. “Ah, right. I kinda forget. So how is the meeting?”

She looks at him suspiciously and puts her arms across her chest. “Yoongi found that Ji Seok had contacted some people before he came to Hawaii. So, we need to investigate them. They sound suspicious from what Yoongi told us before. We thought that they might be the newest members of the Black.”

He tilts his head. “I’m sorry. We?” He is fine with another job to save him from boredom, but to work with her again? It’s just uncomfortable.

She laughs, “Oh, I am sorry. I mean you, Yoongi, Jin, Jimin, and Hoseok. Everyone except me and Namjoon. Can you believe that?”

Taehyung raises one of his eyebrows. At some point, he feels relief that he won’t work with her. “What? Why?”

“Namjoon is getting his ‘punishment’ and sent away to teach the recruits and as for me, I have finally decided to go on therapy.” She smiles proudly.

His jaw drops, “Oh my God! I am so glad you decided to do that!” He stands and hugs her tightly. “What makes you change your mind?”

She returns the hug. “Well, Namjoon kinda talked me into it. I was afraid I would get fired, at first. But he told me that if I get fired, he will leave too.” She laughs. “And after that, I gathered all of my courage to tell our Boss. Fortunately, he doesn’t fire me and encourages me to go to therapy. They told me to think about myself first.”

He gulps and gives a faint smile. “I am so happy for you.”

She then releases his hug. “I want to talk to you more, but I must go to my first session. Talk to you soon, okay?” she then waves and walks to the tall man standing beside the door. The tall man smiles and then puts his arms behind her back and walks with her happily. She never smiles like that before and if Namjoon is the only one who can make her happy, he will gladly let her go. Even if his heart aches whenever he sees her with Namjoon, he will be happy for her. He tries to be happy for her.

He needs to move on. He must let her go.

He drowns in his thoughts, not realizing Jimin walks to him. “Hey, bro. How are you?” Jimin has always been his best friend. They both went to college together and finally decided to work in the same place, Taehyung works in the field area, whereas Jimin works as a handler. Her handler. And Jimin was the one who introduced her to Taehyung.

Taehyung sighs. “So-so.”

Jimin pats his shoulder. “I know. You are doing good, by the way. I am so proud of you.” Jimin always knows about Taehyung’s love for her. It’s not that he is not supporting it, but Jimin has always known that the girl loves Namjoon, since a long time ago. Basically, he is stuck in between helping Taehyung, his best friend, or helping the girl. But love is not that simple, and can’t be controlled with a mere human being like him. It just goes with the flow like a log in the river. And unlucky for Taehyung, the log flows to another stream. “Just tell me if you want to hit the strip club okay? Hoseok is waiting for it too.”

“Haha. Yeah right.” Taehyung shrugs. “Maybe next couple of years.”

“Dude. Why are you so pessimistic about it? You are going to move on soon.”

Taehyung glares at him. “I have loved her for 3 years, okay? It’s not that simple to unlove someone you love.”

Jimin sighs. “You know what? I think you need a palate cleanser.”

Taehyung knits his brows. “What? Why do I need that bakery?”

“What bakery?” He asks back. “No, what I mean is you need some sex to help you get over her! And then you can get ready for a new one.”

“So, you suggest that I should hook up with a prostitute?” He crosses his arms across his chest, finding Jimin’s suggestion to be amusing. Amusing as Jimin who is a hopeless romantic and has been in love with his childhood friend since he was a kid suddenly told him to get a one night stand.

“Eww. No! Just look for a girl, you stupid. Hang out more.”

Taehyung chuckles. “Shouldn’t it be easier to find a prostitute?”

Jimin’s nose scrunches in disgust. “If you say a prostitute again, I won’t ever talk to you.” He then drops a binder on Taehyung’s desk. “Anyway, this is the data for our mission. Jin said that we would have a meeting tomorrow, so you should study it. Oh, did I mention that I am joining the fieldwork too? Finally, I don’t need to stay in front of my computer. I am so thrilled!”

“Wow, congrats bro.” Taehyung pats his shoulder and takes the binder and opens it. “But you should practice your gun skill more then.”

“Right! I think I will practice after this. Alright then, if you need other data just tell me, okay? I’ll see you soon.” Jimin then walks away.

Taehyung drifts his attention to the binder. It looks like there are 3 suspects. They have been contacted by Ji Seok for at least ten times in the last 3 months before Ji Seok is caught. The First suspect is Byun Baekhyun, he went to the same college with Ji Seok, now working in a restaurant in the city. The contacts all happened in his restaurant, with no telephone trace. The second suspect is Park Chanyeol, he lived in the same neighborhood with Ji Seok. He now works as a journalist in a food magazine, last seen with Ji Seok at a work party. The last suspect is Jung Eunji, she has no connection with Ji Seok, but her credit card was used to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii.

His forehead furrows. There is still not enough data to capture them, which means they needed to go to the field to investigate. Another troublesome mission. But at least, he won’t be stuck in front of his computer.

It is the morning. You wake up lazily. You are not a morning person. Even though you have a job which requires you to go to work at 6 am for years, you still go to bed after midnight. You always have other activities that make you busy, either you watch movies or read books. Well, not books. You have been using Tumblr for almost 10 years now. That application has occupied your browser history for almost 10 years, and that is the only reason why people never get to see your phone, there are too many links to your favorite smut authors. There is no way people can see that. Basically it’s just like porn, but you always think that it is more than that. Smut is just full of artistic things too. You love how the author writes such a poetic description of humping with emotional touches which make you cry until 2 in the morning. Well, you did other stuff too besides crying. Let’s just say that not only your face is wet.

You take a quick shower before you go to work. You wrap your body in a towel and pick your clothes for today in the closet. You never go to work in classy clothes, usually, you just wear a t-shirt and jeans, you have to change into your kitchen clothes later after all. You wear your black t-shirt and your ripped jeans quickly, then after tying your hair into a messy bun, you grab your jacket and your purse on the couch. You should go now if you don’t want to be late, or getting scolded by Hani. You shudder in reflex.

It is still chilly in the morning. You keep thinking to yourself, why you hate morning so much when you love the morning weather and how empty the road is, like you own it. You yawn. Well, you hate the wake-up part in the morning. You hate to leave the comfort and the warmth of your blanket.

The walk from your apartment to your bakery is not that long. You are lucky to find such an affordable apartment in the middle of the city. It is small, but it is still livable and pretty. It is close to many things, like the market, train station, and even your bakery. It is a pity you don’t live with Hani. You were going to be Hani’s roommate when you first moved to the city, but now she lives with his boyfriend, Jackson. That’s why, when you first saw the ad of your apartment, you called it without any further thinking.

You arrive at the bakery as you sigh in relief for not seeing Hani’s head inside. Lucky to you, she won’t scold you for this morning. You unlock the door and go straight to your locker room to change your clothes. You then skillfully sweep, mop, and wash all the dishes. And after an hour, you begin to prepare your today’s bread. It’s just your usual menu in your bakery. While you are preparing the dough, your mind wanders, where the hell is Hani?

It’s almost 9 am, and you still can’t find Hani anywhere. You wanted to call her, but as clumsy as you are, you left your phone in your apartment. So you just hope that Hani is fine but her ass will not because you are gonna kick her ass for letting you prepare the bread alone. You sigh as you walk to the front door to turn the sign to ‘Open’.

It has always been a hectic morning for two people to make, display the bread, and handle the customers. And now you are the only one here. It is basically like a war. You still feel lucky, to have people loving your bread. But after 2 hours of working alone, you are admitting defeat. You change the sign on the door to ‘Still baking’ and run to the kitchen to bake some more. It is the only thing you could think of right now. All the bread this morning has already sold out, after all. You are never a multi-tasking girl. So it seems fair for you to work in this type of situation or you will go insane.

Your next batch of bread is already in the oven, and you finally can take a breather. You look at your clock on the wall, it’s almost noon, and Hani is still nowhere to be seen. You begin to worry, but it’s not like you can leave the bakery alone. Then the bell on the door rings. You almost run to the front to yell at Hani for coming so late, but instead Hani, it is a guy.

It’s a guy from yesterday.

He wears a different suit from yesterday, now he is wearing a navy one. His curly hair falls on his forehead smoothly, framing his frowning brows. “Are you close or something?” he asks after he observes your display area.

“My friend is a little late, so I work alone right now.” You give a half-smile, a business one. “If you do mind, you can come back for an hour for the bread. Can’t you see the sign on the door?”

He turns his sculpted face to the door, “Oh, right. Sorry.” He then walks to the seating area, “Can I wait here?”

You bite your lip. But before you say anything to him to forbid him, your alarm in the kitchen rings. You snarl and walk back to the kitchen. “Your call.” You begin to pick your bread and put it to the cooling rack. You then put the already cool one to the plastic back to put it on the display later. Your eyes leer to the guy sitting casually in the seating area in front of the cashier. The presence of a man close to you is kind of uncomfortable.

Taehyung looks at you from the kitchen window. It is a big glass window to show what’s going on inside the kitchen. And that noon, the window lives to its purpose, he can see what you are doing inside. He can see how uncomfortable you are. How you fidget every time you have nothing on your hand. How your eyes sometimes leer at him. It is his ability to know body language, he is an agent, after all. He knows that you are nervous.

Since you told him that all men are trash yesterday, he still thinks of you as a weird girl. Somehow he is drawn to you. At first, he thought it was just a joke or a prank, but seeing how awkward you are when you see him, he realizes that you do hate men. And he thinks it’s really adorable.

You then go out from the kitchen with a pan of freshly baked bread and walk to the display. You put them neatly, quietly, trying not to mind him, while mentally praying for Hani to come sooner.

“Wow, you really do hate men, don’t you?” He asks abruptly.

His deep voice startled you. Your empty pan falls to the ground as the impact, making a loud noise in the room. You then give him a dirty look. “Pardon?”

He walks to the display area, casually observing the bread. He then takes a piece of bread. “I thought it just a joke when you said all men are trash.” He walks back to his chair, opens the plastic, and bite the bread.

You raise one of your eyebrows. “So?” You ask without batting an eye.

“Nothing. Just find it amusing.”

You walk to the chair in front of him and pull it. You sit there facing him. “You have a problem with that?”

“No.” Taehyung throws his last bite to his mouth and chews it quickly. He inches forward to your face. “Let me guess. Hm.. You got dumped, didn’t you?”

You widen your eyes. “No, I didn’t! I was the one who dumped him!” You put your hand on your mouth. What the hell are you doing telling strangers that?

He hums and folds his arms across his chest. “Okay, let me try again.” He studies you for a bit. “Your boyfriend cheated on you with your friend?”

Your jaw drops and you can feel a flush crept on your face. “How do you know?” You ask in a shock.

He smirks and shrugs confidently. “I am just that good you know.” He chuckles. “Actually no, I just guessed it.”

Just when you wanted to reply to him, the door opened harshly. And there you find your best friend rushing towards you. “Oh my God, Y/N! I am sorry.”

You observe her from the top to her feet, well, she seems fine. That’s the important thing. You sigh. “Where have you been?”

“Jackson got sick so I took him to the hospital. I have been calling you for a hundred times, where is your phone?” Hani asks. You can see her face is bare, she didn’t even draw her eyebrows.

“I left it at home. Is Jackson okay?”

Hani takes off his jacket and rolls her sleeves. “Yeah, just a little infection, he will be fine.” She looks around the bakery. “I can’t believe you open this yourself, I feel terrible.”

You wave your hands. “It’s okay. But I think we should hire a part-timer. It has been a hell for me.”

She rubs her chin. “Yes, I think it is time for us to have a helper.” Hani then looks to the side to find a man there. “I am sorry. Am I interrupting something?” She smiles.

Taehyung smiles back and laughs. “Not really. We just discussed about her hatred of men. I got free bread for guessing the reason right!”

“It’s not free-“

You are interrupted by Hani’s laughter. “It is ridiculous, right? I talked to her all the time that not all men are like that.” Her voice then quieten. “I even told her to find a palate cleanser, you know. And, this is a lil bit TMI. But actually, it’s the reason why we use that name for our bakery.”

Palate cleanser. Taehyung then remembers what Jimin said to him yesterday. And an idea comes to his head.

You push Hani’s back to the locker room. “Alright, alright. Just go change already.” She follows your instruction as she waves to Taehyung.

Taehyung looks at his watch and then gathers his stuff and rises from his chair. He walks towards you and he holds out his hand to you. “I am Taehyung.”

You take his hand after many considerations. “Y/N.”

Taehyung smiles. He then takes his wallet out from his pocket and pulls out a card. A black name card. “This is my number. If you are interested in the palate cleanser thing,” he then forcefully puts the name card on your hand, “please give me a call.” He winks and Taehyung walks away to the door, leaving you speechless on the spot.

You are stunned, seeing the card on your hand. After a few seconds, you realize. You ran outside to catch him. “Hey, you haven’t paid!” but Taehyung has vanished in the crowded road.

“Finally!” Jimin yells. All of the 5 members gather in the meeting room, with Jin in the middle. It’s already 15 minutes past the meeting time. Taehyung walks faster and sits beside his friend.

Jin sighs, “I swear to God, if you are late one more time, I will kick your ass in the practice room.” He shifts his eye to Jungkook beside him. “Actually, I will ask Jungkook to do it.”

Taehyung being such a brat, like he always does, shrugs. “Fine. I am sorry. Please continue the meeting.”

Jin pouts and rolls his eyes. “What I am saying is, we need to gather as many pieces of information from the 3 suspects and they should know nothing. The Black is still an influential organization. We must be careful not to attract any attention.”

Hoseok raises his hand. “But actually, haven’t we attracted the attention already by capturing the leader in Hawaii?”

“That’s true. But most of the new members seem to be a rookie in this field, they haven’t been that loyal to him. For short, they are terrified. They will do whatever they take to throw all of the evidence that shows they’re in the organization right away. That’s why it’s our chance to dig a little deeper.” Jin continues.

“So what is the plan?” Jungkook asks.

Yoongi rises from his seat and connects his laptop. He then shows all of the suspect’s profiles. “Jin and I already talked to our boss. We think that we should divide ourselves into groups to tail them.”

“So, Jimin and Yoongi will investigate Jung Eunji. Taehyung and Hoseok will investigate Park Chanyeol, and the last, Jungkook and I will investigate Byun Baekhyun.” Jin folds his hands across his chest. “You will be needed to submit your report every single day at 00.00. Just tailing, no harsh approaches. If they suspect something, you will retreat and report to me. We don’t need another attraction. Are we clear?”

All of the members nod and rise from their seats as Jin dismisses them. Taehyung walks to Hoseok. “So do we get a stake-out van?”

It is almost midnight but you still can’t fall asleep. You move your body anxiously on the bed, trying to get comfortable. Finally, you surrender. You pick your phone, scrolling on Tumblr. It is a bad idea actually. You always think that reading some stories will make you go to sleep, but instead, you feel excited and end up reading fifteen chapters of 10k stories. But tonight, you can’t find other stories to read.

You sigh. Your mind begins to wander. And suddenly Taehyung pops out in your mind. A palate cleanser, huh? It is tempting actually. He looks nice. Well, nice doesn’t do justice to him. You have never found a guy as handsome as him. It really makes nonsense to you. His beauty is beyond words. And to have such a guy to offer you such service, you must be dreaming.

Or, is he a prostitute? That’s why he looks so ethereal!

You turn your headlamp on and walk to your purse, where you kept his name card. You look at it carefully on both sides. It is just a simple card, with simple ‘Kim Taehyung’ written in gold in the center, with his email and phone number under it and ‘The Company’ on the other side of the card. It seems too sophisticated for a prostitute’s agency, well, not that you ever got it though. Or is he like an exclusive prostitute?

Should I just text him? You sit on your couch. You input his number on your phone and hit the message button. What should I send? You tap your phone on your chin. You have never texted a guy since college. It is lame actually. Whenever you got a guy’s number, you always ignore it. But now, you just got the feeling that you can ignore Taehyung.

You walk to your pantry, pouring a glass of wine, and bring the bottle to the couch. You begin to type.

To Taehyung: Hey...

You knit your eyebrows, what are you? A high schooler? You can do better than this. You delete and begin typing again. You gulp the wine in one shot and pour another glass.

To Taehyung: Dear, Kim Taehyung. I was happy to receive your number and I hope to see you again.

Are you his business partner? Damn, woman. Just type casually. You drink your wine again. Typing and deleting, and drinking. For several hours. Until you fell asleep on the couch with the phone on your hand.

And just like the safety slogan on the road, ‘Don’t Drink and Drive’. You need a new one.

‘Don’t drink and type’

[danwylds]

Right okay I never actually got myself to write this fic so have my notes for the fic except I haven’t read through them since June when I wrote them and I refuse to edit anything

Right is bakery au but not

Neil either turned down the offer of exy for the foxes or for coach whatever the fuck his name was

He got caught earlier tho which is . Unfortunate

Stuart still comes in

Maybe I’ll have him move back to Britain for a while? To avoid the moriyamas n stuff

He NEVER misses a match of the ravens/foxes tho

Which leads to him seeing the frankly sickening interview of Kevin and riko

Neil is like yo Stuart let me start smth

Stuart is like Neil the only reason you’d go back to the states right now is if you did smth that you could hide and you can’t do that for shit

So Neil is like yk what I’m gonna find a way bc I’m not letting this kid go through this (Andrews quite into this idea when it’s shared)

So he says yo. Stuart. Uncle. Sir. Let me open a bakery or something in the states

Stuart is like no you fucking idiot

And Neil is like but c o n s i d e r

You can get info or smth

Just have another business in the states yk

AND I’d get out of your hair

And Stuart is like hm okay but you’ve gotta live in a complex I choose for you

And Neil is all only if I can choose where it’s gonna be

It’s a deal

He (very obviously) chooses a place near palmetto

Stuart is tired but is like he’ll be under protection n shit so I guess??? And he’s not stupid enough to start something right. Right.

Wrong.

Anyways.

It’s a bakery that starts out kinda slow

But Neil finds he likes baking and Stuart pays for his nephew to have some sort of normal life so it doesn’t matter too much

Renee starts to frequent it

At first it’s to pick up sweets for Andrew

But eventually she starts bringing Allison on dates there bc they have a cute little seating area (figure where Seth fits in? I think he’ll survive?)

Uhhh what’s a timeline

I think this’ll be around the winter holidays (Jewish neil? Look into it)

So thanksgiving will have happened . I think Andrew agreed to go Not bc he particularly wanted to but bc he cares for Nicky and knows he’ll probably go anyways

Yeah so thanksgiving. h

Andrew JUST got off his drugs and he’s so damn protective of his own that he hardly even leaves their sides

Edens is a def no for em

Meanwhile Neil is tentative friends w Renee who has brought all the upperclassmen there a few times

Allison bullies him for his clothing but it’s okay he deserves it

Renee is sweet and stops em from doing anything too drastic which Neil appreciates

Matt,, my baby,, he’s so happy he just asks Neil about random stuff

Dan is sweet too!!

Seth kinda hates him but Neil hasn’t paid enough attention to return the favor

One day close to the winter banquet the upperclassmen are like yeah Neil we’re gonna go to this thing and it should be really fun!! Oh you know what? Our teammate Nicky needs a date and his cousin doesn’t really like anyone from his class and he’s super fucking crazy abt it so if that doesn’t deter you then you should totally join !

Neil is like oh chance to fuck up Riko? Absolutely I’ll go

ALLISON DRESSES HIM

HE LOOKS SO GOOD

when he and Allison emerge from the girls room Aaron is like Who is that

And Allison is “oh nickys date (:”

Andrew gets twitchy and holds a knife to her throat

Renee is like Andrew I stg get away from my gf and Seth is like manic pixie nightmare fuel I’m gonna beat the shit outta you

And Neil is just like same shit every day I guess

And he’s like so you’re Nicky then? COMPLETELY IGNORING YK. ALL THAT

Andrew is like “he is. Don’t touch him”

And Neil straight up says I don’t think you get to set boundaries for people, actually

And Neil has no idea what the effect is of that on Andrew but it’s enough to make him glare

Which is terrifying to everyone but Neil bc again. Dumbass

Anyways Neil very purposely hooks his arm through nickys and they head off to the bus

Dunno what happens there but I’ll figure it out

RIKOOO ROASTTT **AIRHORNNNNSSS**

It’s glorious

Kevin and riko are like who the FUCK are you

And Neil is all wouldn’t you like to know weather boy

They relocate and they’re all like . Ah. That’s why you and Renee get along

It’s kinda funny ngl

Andrew doesn’t think so but fuck him

I think that they head back to the bus when this shit I’d over and wymack is like excuse me what the fuck

And Aaron in german is like thank god he never joined the team bc I could not handle more of that

And Neil in German is like would you believe me I’d I told you I was almost signed

And Andrew is like I fucking Knew it I hate it here

N e ways things go back to normal for the most part

The upperclassmen still show up

Seth has a bit of grudging respect for him

It’s later that all the foxes are getting drunk from a lose that Renee calls him and is like Neil please can I usher them inside for a bit I think they need a place to chill so we don’t get yelled at for being too loud in the dorms

And Neil is like uhh sure why not

It turns out it was not just the upperclassmen

He gives them all water bottles and whatever and lets them lounge around

Gives em some food which they pay for w the coachs card

Uhhh idk time passes and some of the foxes pass out so neil is like y’all can chill in the break room? They have couches

He stays out there bc the bakery is still open

Andrew comes out like hey fuck you but also can I get more of those pastries

Idk I want them to be in love already

Uhh yeah I think they don’t say anything until

“what happened to your face”

“A truth for a truth?”

“If you must insist”

“Fine, my father tried to kill me”

Andrew raises his eyebrow but neils like bitch you said a truth for a truth it’s your turn now

Neil asks him why he wears arm bands

We get the whole knives and scars

They’re quiet again

I don’t know man let them be in love

Uhhh okay

I think Andrew will tell neil like

“[code]”

“Huh”

“That’s the code for the court, Kevin practices at night.”

Neil is like how would you know I’d enjoy playing exy? And andrew is like dipshit that’s how we met

I’m running out of ideas oh no

Maybe they play a couple of night game things

Exchange a few more truths

OHHH OKAY COOL SO THEN NEIL CAN GO TO EDENS W THEM THE WHOLE “DOESNT MEAN I WOULDNT BLOW YOU” THING CAN STILL HAPPEN

sick okay! They start dating but since Baltimore happened earlier they never actually come out to the rest of the team

I like to think when they play against the ravens again neils like haha babe you can have as many sweets as you want if you shut down the goal

Also Neil says it’s hot which is like a big thing to persuade Andrew but shhhhh

Yeah the foxes win they celebrate by getting drunk and they all show up at neils like hello again (:

Same thing happens but this time andrew and Neil are together and basically are doing nothing but making out

At least the store is closed

Nicky comes out and just YELLS

YALLLLLL COME LOOK @ THIS SHIT

Allison wins SO much money

Yeah idk how to end this but happily ever after :3

If you want me to turn this into a fic I will!

[harrysgloves]

Let Your Hair Down (chapter xxvi)

Get caught up with the Let Your Hair Down Masterlist!

word count: 2,983

story summary: Harry gets more than he bargains for when he falls not only for you but your little girl as well.

chapter summary: Thea’s birthday party.

warnings: Language // violence // mentions of past sexual assault // attempted sexual assault... it’s a lot. It’s heavy so read with caution.

a/n: Please don’t murder me... you should have seen it coming. xx

>>><<<

It was finally Saturday. Your long crazy week of work and trying to plan a birthday party was finally over and you couldn't have been more thankful.

You had spent the whole week going absolutely insane over every small detail. All the thank you bags had to have handwritten glitter name cards on them, obviously. Which meant you sitting up in your kitchen at 2 am trying to figure out how to write faux calligraphy while Harry stood over top of you eating popcorn, telling you when you messed up.

Which resulted in you putting him on hot glue gun duty for all the little plastic jewels that had to be glued on one by one onto every tiara… for 25 kids' placemats.

Needless to say, he didn't criticize your handwriting again.

The only time he really started to throw a bitch fit was when you tried to figure out how to make macaroons at 3 in the morning. Both of you quickly decided to scrap that idea when you tasted your first batch.

"Pinterest fucking lied! These taste terrible!" You cried as you spit out the repulsive cookie that definitely should not have been considered a cookie.

"Fuckin' hell, love. I think ya tryin' t'poison me." Harry laughed at the glare you shot him but you had to admit that was the worst thing you'd ever tasted in your whole life.

He ended up buying the damn demon cookies from a local bakery and saved you a lot of tears.

They definitely tasted better which made you want to strangle Harry when he laughed at your face lighting up from the first bite you took.

"Told y'the recipe wasn't bad. Ya jus' can't bake." He smiled, placing a kiss on your cheek and jerking the box of treats away from you when you tried to go back for seconds.

All of that was over though and after this afternoon there would be no more meltdowns about placemats, place cards, or balloon arches. No more trying your weird baking at 4 am. Which you were sure Harry was very thankful for.

No, today was finally the day and as you dragged Harry to the hotel to set up one of the meeting rooms you'd gotten for the party you were glad it was almost over. You couldn't handle much more of this stress. She was turning 5 and you definitely went a bit overboard, you started to dread what party you'd have to plan for her sweet 16.

"The balloon arch is supposed to go over by the door." You said as you fanned out the pastel pink table cloth over the round 8 count table. Harry huffed and rolled his eyes but didn't say anything as he moved the arch for the 3rd time.

"Ya know they only care 'bout goin' to the pool." He mumbled out like he didn't want you to hear him.

"Keep it up and you're going to be sleeping on the couch tonight." You smiled when Harry turned around to look at you. The look on his face, priceless.

"Ya can't put me on the couch." He pouted big lip and all, making you bite your lip as you shrugged.

He was right, you wouldn't put him on the couch, especially not with a sleepover of 12 kindergarten girls that was going to be at your apartment tonight. But he didn't have to know that.

"Gotta go get tape from the desk for this banner." You sighed as you looked at the amount of work you still had left to do and not much time left to do it.

"Can you please go play bad guy and get Thea out of the pool? She needs to get her outfit on. I didn't wait 6 weeks for that princess dress to be shipped to us for her to not wear it when people get here." You asked as sweetly as possible when you walked pass him, stopping to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Why can't Sarah do it? Y'know I can't say no to her if she asks t'stay in longer." He followed you down the hallway stopping in front of the pool room door. His big puppy eyes staring you down as you walked away from him.

"This is exactly why you have to do it. Gotta get good at telling her no." You smiled when you heard him groan. Throwing the door to the pool room open as you made your way down the hallway and eventually to the front desk.

"Hey Ellie, can I have the tape, please?" You asked, leaning on the desk, nails tapping on the counter.

"Yeah, here you go." She smiled, her bright white teeth looking so great against the ruby red lipstick she wore all the time. Making you a bit jealous that someone could pull off that color so effortlessly.

"Oh, God." She groaned, eyes darting to the front door.

"Looks like we got a drunk stumbling in. I should go get Mack. He's better at dealing with this shit." She sighed, hands rubbing her forehead. Drunk guests were the worst, especially if they were drunk at 11 am.

You turned around to look at the damage, eyes widening the second you saw who it was.

The fucking bastard.

"Don't get Mack. I got this." Your voice laced with anger as you started right for him. You'd be damned if he ruined her party like this.

"Get the fuck outside." You growled, tugging on his arm. Nails digging into his flesh as you pulled him out the door and to the side of the building, doing to him what he'd done to you so many times before.

"What is wrong with you?" You yelled as you let go of him. He stumbled back against the brick exterior of the wall, his eyes immediately filling with rage but you could care less.

You were so sick and tired of being pushed around by him. Tired of being degraded and controlled but the one thing you absolutely wouldn’t put up with was him purposefully hurting Thea like this. She didn’t deserve a dad who would embarrass her in front of everyone by being blasted at her party, she deserved so much more than him.

And you were tired of letting him do this to the both of you.

"No, actually, don't answer that. Only a real piece of shit would show up to their daughter's birthday party completely hammered. I mean really, Ryan? This is a new low, even for you.” You stood your ground in front of him. Arms crossed tightly over your chest as you told him off. Told him exactly what you thought about him.

You were done holding back. This was the last straw.

“Oh, so now that you got your little bodyguard you think you can talk to me however you want?”

His inability to keep himself from stumbling around seemed to have totally disappeared as the visible anger ran through him. His jaw twitching from how hard he was clenching his teeth. Face flushed, eyebrows pulled together tightly when he gripped your arm so violently you whimpered in pain, trying your best to keep quiet, not wanting to show him any weakness.

You were so fucking done. You were done being pushed and pulled around by him. Done being controlled. Done with everything he’d ever put you through.

Your destroyed self-esteem.

Your inability to let people into your life.

Your constant fear of him lurking around every corner.

It was all his fault.

Your mind already made up that you weren’t going to take this lying down anymore. You weren’t going to wait for it to get better or for him to move on from him torturing you.

You were going to be your own goddamn hero.

Your hand connecting with his cheek with so much force behind it hurt your palm. His head snapping to the side from the impact, staying there momentarily before turning to face you. The deafening sound of your flesh slamming against his rung around you. The moment dripping with tension when he rubbed the side of his stubbled face. His jaw moving back and forth as his blue eyes darkened.

Any confidence you had seconds ago was quickly replaced with fear. The hand on your arm tightening like a boa constrictor. Pain shooting through your arm making you cry out. Your free hand desperately scratching at his, trying with everything in you to pry it off.

Your boots scuffing the ground trying to pull away from him, throwing all your body weight backward but it was pointless. He was twice your size and height. He was able to throw you so effortlessly against the brick wall.

You hit the exterior of the building face first. Your nose smashing against the brick so hard you heard a crunch. Yelling in pain as your eyes started watering. Blood pouring down your chin onto your white shirt.

You'd barely had time to register the fact your nose was broken when you felt Ryan's body pushed against your back, pinning you to the wall.

Panic, terror, regret- all running rampant through your brain as you screamed as loud as you could for help. Your hands hitting the wall you were pressed up against so hard you could feel your skin break open. Trying with everything in you to push hard enough to get him off you.

"You really don't know when to stop do you Y/N?" He sniggered from behind you. His hand brushing through your hair as he pressed his hips harder into you to stop your frantic attempt to escape him.

"Get the fuck off me!" You screamed as loud as you could. Your throat burning from how much you were yelling but it didn't seem to matter.

You really fucked up pulling him around the side of the building to tell him off and all you could think about was Harry was right.

You should have listened. You should have taken it more seriously, and now you're here with this fucking maniac and have no idea how to get away from him.

"Remember when you used to be such a good girl? Hmm?" He whispered behind you, lips touching your ear making you cringe away from him. Eyes closed, tears running down your face.

"I actually got bored with you for a while. You just listened so well, but this? No, this is great. We can go through all our little lessons again. You remember those, baby?"

Your eyes instantly snapped open. Mind reeling with all the things he'd done to you when you were married. That you let him do to you because you were married, justifying it in your mind as your "wifely duties".

"Ryan, stop!" You screamed louder than you thought was possible. Hands bleeding from how hard you were hitting the side of the building, legs trying to bend any way possible to kick him.

"Don't fucking move." He pressed his hand into the middle of your back, hard. Your shoulders aching from the position you were in.

You were starting to realize there was no way out of this. Your mind filled with anxiety and dread.

"When are you going to figure out that I own you? Hmm? You're mine and I'll do whatever I want to you." His voice sounded so pleased with himself. Like he was so happy to finally have you back in his complete control.

You wanted to puke. Tears rolling down your face as you sobbed. You wanted to get him off you. Wanted to go back into the party and hug your baby girl. Forget Ryan ever existed.

When his hand snaked around to the front of your jeans you lost it. Not ever wanting to go through this again.

"Stop! Stop!" You sobbed, trying to push his hands off you. Trying to crouch down to get away from him.

"I said don't fucking move." He grunted hand laced through your hair as he slammed your face into the wall again.

Your eyebrow splitting open from the impact. Vision darken for a second before flashes of tiny white fluttered through your line of sight. You groaned the second you felt more blood run down your face. Your hand coming up to wipe it away. Not even registering what else was going on around you. Feeling in a fog, your brain not seeming to put together things that were happening.

Until you heard it.

Heard her.

"Momma?" Her sweet voice rang out from the other side of the alleyway. Your head whipping around to her. Hoping it was some sort of hallucination but when you saw her running towards you, you knew you weren't that lucky.

"Thea, no! Run!" You screamed trying to push away from him and the wall. Trying to get to her and get her away from this.

She didn't listen, her tiny hands clasping around Ryan's arm, pulling with everything in her to get him away from you. Her cries for him to leave you alone broke your heart but when you felt the pressure off your back lift you really started to panic.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion.

His hand lifting off you.

Her pulling on him.

Ryan's hand swinging around him to push her away.

The sound of your baby hitting the ground is what snapped you out of it. Her hand covering her face. As her crying shrieks of pain pierced your soul.

You never want to hear that sound again.

It was only a second later when someone pushed Ryan off you. You heard them both hit the ground but you didn't pay any attention to what the hell was going on. Scrambling to pick Thea up and get her the hell away from him.

You scooped her up in your arms as she continued to cry. Her head buried in your blood covered shirt. Your arms tightening around her as you turned to run. Only glancing back once to see Harry on top of Ryan.

You couldn't stop to think about that though. Not right now. Not with Thea hurt.

"Call the police!" You snapped at Ellie as you ran past the desk. Her eyes widening as she saw the state of your face. Frantically picking up the phone and dialing 911 as fast as she could.

You bolted down the hallway, towards the meeting room where the party was supposed to be at. Grabbing your keys and purse. Leaving the meeting room only to run straight into Mitch's chest.

"What the fuck happened?" His arms clasping onto your arms, stopping you from running but you jerked away from him. Your eyes filling with tears, not wanting to be touched.

"Ryan." You breathed out. "Harry. Go get Harry."

"Where is he?" Mitch asked eyebrows pulled together, looking at Thea who had still not calmed down.

"What's going on?" Sarah asked, walking down the hallway with Mack following shortly behind her.

"With Ryan. Fuck, go get Harry. Out the side door. The police are coming." You started down the hallway, moving past everyone who kept trying to touch you, to stop you from leaving. Cringing away from all of them.

"Wait, Y/N, where are you going?" Mack tried to stop you, reaching out to touch your arm softly, making you swing around in your tracks.

"Don't fucking touch me!" You yelled, running down the hallway away from them. You didn't have time for this shit. You needed to get Thea out of here.

"Wait!" Sarah shouted after you. Trying her best to catch up to you as you ran out the front doors.

"Y/N, wait!" Mitch called out to you when the police cars started to pull up to the hotel. Harry rounding the corner to see you running with Thea to your car.

It didn't take him long to catch up to all of you. Sarah and Mitch trailing behind as Harry stood in front of your car.

"Don't do this." He said as you threw open your door. Pushing Thea inside from the driver seat. You chose to ignore him as you climbed into your car. Shutting and locking your door.

You had to get out of here. You had to make sure she was okay.

Your tear-filled eyes meeting his before starting your car. Hoping that maybe one day he'd forgive you for doing this.

But running was in your nature.

"Stop!" He yelled, hands hitting your car hood as you backed out of your parking spot. Flooring it down the road.

Tears and blood blurred your vision. You could feel your left eye throbbing, trying to close shut but you pushed through it. You had to get to a hospital to have her checked out.

She hadn't calmed down the whole time. Her cries and gasps for air were the only things you could hear anymore. You were hardly paying any attention to the road, constantly turning to see if she was okay.

Your mind ran with possibilities of things that could be wrong with her. She could have a broken bone, a concussion, any number of things wrong with her.

And you knew it'd be your fault.

"Baby?" You asked softly, eyes glancing over to Thea who had her knees pulled up to her chest, head buried in her hands.

"Thea?" You tried to be patient but you needed her to answer you. You needed to know she was okay.

"Theadora Skye. You answer me right now." You slammed on your breaks in the middle of the road. Turning to look at her, chest heaving, fearing the worst.

"Why'd he hit me?" She sobbed into her hands. Your heart breaking as you listened to her cry uncontrollably.

"I don't know." You sighed, staring off at the road. "But he'll never do it again."

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays (Chapter 7)

Happy Halloween!

Warning: Minor burns

Chapter 6 | Masterlist | Chapter 8

V- (8:04 AM) Happy first day of Halloween!

L- (8:05 AM) Virgil, it’s October 1st. Halloween isn’t for another 30 days.

V- (8:05 AM) We must be celebrating different holidays. Halloween lasts from October 1st to October 31st. For the entire month, you watch cheesy Halloween movies and decorate your home in black, purple, and orange. Spiders and bats become your daily esthetic. There are no exceptions to this rule.

P- (8:06 AM) I have arachnophobia and most of our decorations are green. Is that alright, Kiddo?

V- (8:06 AM) … There is one exception.

L- (8:07 AM) This is preposterous.

R- (8:07 AM) Calm down, Specs. Let our Dark and Stormy Knight have his holiday. We don’t want another incident of Pi Day, do we?

V- (8:08 AM) What happened on Pi Day?

P- (8:08 AM) Logan wanted to spend the day memorizing as many digits of Pi as possible. Roman told him that Pi day was only for baking pies. Logan decided to etch as many digits of pi as he could fit into the crust of a pie before baking it. Sadly, baking isn’t Lolo’s exPIEtise.

R- (8:09 AM) He almost burnt the house down. It was hilarious.

L- (8:09 AM) I will back down from this argument, if only to preserve my dignity. Since you decided to text us at 8 AM, I assume that you have plans to celebrate your “first day of Halloween?”

V- (8:10 AM) Yep. I’ve got my Scooby-Doo VHS tapes, an entire gallon of iced coffee, and enough decorations to cover every square inch of my house. Life is good.

R- (8:11 AM) Wait which tapes?

V- (8:11 AM) Zombie Island, Witch’s Ghost, Alien Invaders, and Cyber Chase. The 4 best Scooby-Doo movies to ever exist.

R- (8:12 AM) Now I REALLY wanna watch Scooby-Doo

V- (8:12 AM) What’s stopping you?

L- (8:12 AM) The desire to have a stable income

R- (8:13 AM) I’m starring as Van Helsing for our theatre’s production of Dracula. I’ve got rehearsals and performances almost every night.

V- (8:13 AM) Sorry. I’ll watch it in your stead.

R- (8:14 AM) Gee, how thoughtful of you

(October 8th)

L- (2:32 PM) Virgil, did you seriously buy MORE chocolates?

V- (2:32 PM) Do you like them?

L- (2:32 PM) That’s not the point.

L- (2:33 PM) This is the 7th set of sweets you’ve sent us in the past 8 weeks. First of all, this is extremely unhealthy. Second of all, how much money have you spent on these? Third of all, you tend to send chocolates specifically when you’re planning something that we disapprove of. So what, pray tell, are you planning this time?

V- (2:34 PM) Wow, I didn’t realize you were keeping track of that.

L- (2:34 PM) I keep track of everything. Quit ignoring the questions.

V- (2:35 PM) Okay. First of all, if they make you happy it doesn’t matter. Second of all, if it makes you happy it doesn’t matter. Third of all, if it makes you happy it doesn’t matter :)

L- (2:35 PM) …

V- (2:35 PM) Besides, you wouldn’t want me to STOP sending you sweets, would you?

L- (2:36 PM) … Curse you and your knowledge of my sweets addiction.

V- (2:36 PM) :)

(October 15th)

L- (5:47 PM) VIRGIL!

V- (5:48 PM) Hm?

L- (5:48 PM) DID YOU SERIOUSLY TP OUR HOUSE?!?!?

V- (5:49 PM) You have no proof

L- (5:50 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of a door. There is a square of TP taped to the door, the words “VIRGIL WAS TOTALLY NOT HERE” written in sharpie]

V- (5:50 PM) See? I was totally not there.

V- (5:51 PM) And I sent you pre-apology chocolates, so you can’t get mad!

L- (5:52 PM) I CAN STILL GET MAD

V- (5:52 PM) NO YOU WON’T OR I’LL STOP GETTING YOU CHOCOLATES

L- (5:53 PM) YOU WOULDN’T

V- (5:53 PM) TRY ME BITCH

R- (5:55 PM) I don’t know WHAT you did, but Logan called me, screeched your name, and hung up. Keep up the good work, storm cloud ;)

(October 22nd)

V- (3:42 PM) Hey Pat?

P- (3:42 PM) What’s up, Kiddo?

V- (3:42 PM) You bake, right?

P- (3:43 PM) It would be very hard to run a bakery if I couldn’t, Kiddo!

V- (3:43 PM) True

V- (3:43 PM) So what do you do if your cookies catch on fire?

P- (3:43 PM) WHAT

V- (3:44 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of an oven. The door is open, and inside is a tray of Pillsbury ghost sugar cookies. They are all on fire]

P- (3:44 PM) PUT IT OUT

V- (3:44 PM) HOW

P- (3:45 PM) DON’T YOU HAVE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!?!

V- (3:45 PM) WON’T THAT RUIN THE COOKIES?

P- (3:45 PM) THOSE COOKIES ARE GONERS. ACCEPT YOUR LOSS

V- (3:46 PM) [*Photo attachment*]

[The photo is of the same oven. The door is still open, yet the entire inside of the oven is covered in foam]

V- (3:46 PM) Now what?

P- (3:46 PM) First of all, turn off the oven.

V- (3:47 PM) Done

P- (3:47 PM) Okay. Now answer me this: HOW THE FUDGE DID YOU MANAGE TO CATCH PREMADE SUGAR COOKIES ON FIRE???

V- (3:48 PM) I DON’T KNOW! I JUST PUT THEM IN THE OVEN AND SUDDENLY THEY WERE ON FIRE

L- (3:48 PM) Are you alright, Virgil? Did you sustain any burns or other injuries?

P- (3:48 PM) HOLY STARS I SHOULD’VE ASKED! ARE YOU OKAY VIRGIL?

V- (3:49 PM) I’m fine. I burned my wrist but it’s not that bad.

L- (3:49 PM) Will you please send a picture of your injury?

V- (3:49 PM) [*Photo attachment*]

[The photo is of a left hand. The hand is long, slender, and pale. The nails are long and painted black with cat noses and whiskers. The person’s wrist has a minor burn wound, around the size of a golf ball]

L- (3:50 PM) You are correct, Virgil. It appears to be a minor burn, no need to contact the hospital. However, I would greatly appreciate it if you tend to your burn at your earliest convenience.

P- (3:50 PM) Go wrap up that burn, kiddo! Make sure you add burn cream, too!

P- (3:51 PM) AND OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOUR NAILS! They’re PAWsitively PURRfect!

L- (3:51 PM) Please stop

P- (3:52 PM) Alright. Wouldn’t wanna have a CATastrophe, would we?

L- (3:52 PM) Please. I beg of you.

V- (3:53 PM) Okay, all patched up. What do I do about my cookies?

L- (3:53 PM) Make sure your oven has fully cooled down before attempting to clean it.

P- (3:54 PM) AND DON’T DO THAT EVER AGAIN, MISTER!

P- (3:54 PM) You nearly gave me a heart attack!

V- (3:55 PM) Sorry, won’t happen again.

L- (3:55 PM) I assume that this means you will be buying post-apology sweets? I assure you that it is unnecessary, Virgil. Your health and safety are more important than confectionaries.

L- (3:57 PM) Virgil?

L- (3:57 PM) Please refrain from buying more sweets.

L- (3:58 PM) I’ve already gained 3.4 pounds alone from these “Gifts”

V- (3:58 PM) Too late, already bought them

P- (3:58 PM) You don’t have to, Kiddo!

P- (3:59 PM) And Lolo, don’t blame V on your weight gain. I know Ro’s not the only one sneaking whole jars of jelly from the cabinets at night.

L- (3:59 PM) Virgil, how much are you spending on these sweets?

V- (4:00 PM) Would it help if I said that I get a discount since I purchase chocolates almost weekly?

L- (4:00 PM) VIRGIL

V- (4:01 PM) :)

R- (6:58 PM) Why does all the interesting stuff happen while I’m at work?

V- (6:59 PM) Get wrecked Princey

R- (6:59 PM) :(

V- (7:00 PM) Don’t worry I got you sweets too

R- (7:00 PM) :)

(October 24th)

L- (2:32 PM) VIRGIL!

V- (2:33 PM) Did you get your sweets? Send me a pick! I didn’t get to see the end result

P- (2:33 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of three vases, each of different colors. The light blue vase is filled with tulips made of white chocolate. There are also chocolate-covered straberry and a giant chocolate lollipop with the words “I appreciate you a chocoLOT!” The red vase is filled with milk chocolate roses and another chocolate lollipop that says “Good luck slaying Vampires!” The navy blue vase is the most elaborate (probably just to mess with Logan). It’s filled with dark chocolate tulips AND roses, with a whole jar of crofters nestled into the middle of the bouquet. It’s lollipop reads “Weight and Cost are just #s!”]

P- (2:34 PM) These are ADORABLE, Virgil!

L- (2:34 PM) How much did you spend on this, Virgil?

V- (2:34 PM) Did you not read your lollipop?

V- (2:35 PM) Don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t buy the chocolates if I couldn’t afford them :)

L- (2:35 PM) My digestive system can’t afford them.

V- (2:36 PM) Well I couldn’t give you pre-apology chocolates so I had to give you epic post-apology chocolates.

P- (2:37 PM) Well, I cannot wait to eat these! Seriously, I’ve already eaten half a tulip. And these vases will look so pretty holding ACTUAL flowers! Thank you so much, V! But remember, you don’t have to do this. We don’t need apology sweets!

V- (2:38 PM) I know, but it’s comforting to know that there’s at least ONE way I can interact with you guys beyond texting. I’m sorry that I’m still not comfortable talking face-to-face yet.

P- (2:38 PM) That’s completely fine, Kiddo! Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

L- (2:39 PM) I agree.Though I still do not see the purpose of excessive spending on our behalf.

R- (2:39 PM) Well I find it extremely thoughtful, storm cloud. I would type an entire ballad of how caring and kind you are, but I must get back to work. I shall speak with you tonight, fair raven.

V- (2:40 PM) Thanks, guys. It means a lot to me.

(October 31st)

L- (10:17 AM) How are you feeling about your “final day of Halloween,” Virgil?

V- (10:18 AM) Incredibly depressed

P- (10:18 AM) Aww. Why’s that, Kiddo?

V- (10:19 AM) You guys know how I travel around with my friends, right?

V- (10:19 AM) Well apparently we have to travel out today. We won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon.

R- (10:20 AM) I’m deeply sorry, my precious stormcloud. If I may ask, why do you have to travel tonight?

V- (10:20 AM) My friends like to go to parties out of town, and I go to make sure they don’t get themselves killed.

P- (10:21 AM) I’m sorry you have to miss Halloween, Kiddo. I know how much you were looking forward to it.

V- (10:22 AM) I’m still gonna wear my costume. Just because I can’t celebrate at home doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate at all.

L- (10:22 AM) What costume have you decided to wear?

V- (10:23 AM) [*Photo attachment*]

[Photo is the bottom half of someone’s face. They’re smiling, with black lipstick and fake Vampire teeth. There’s red liquid running down their chin.]

P- (10:23 AM) That looks FANGtastic, Virgil!

L- (10:23 AM) I hope you have an amenable experience at the party, Virgil.

R- (10:24 AM) I agree! You look amazing and I hope you enjoy the party, storm cloud. Do not worry, I will watch The Nightmare Before Christmas in your stead!

V- (10:25 AM) Wow I feel so grateful

R- (10:25 AM) :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

[samwisethebitch]

The Bizarre World of “Feel Good” Murder Mysteries

When I think of murder, I don’t typically think of warm, fuzzy feelings. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I’m a fan of all things gritty and gory, so a lot of the books I read fall into the thriller/suspense subgenre. But not everyone likes their mystery novels with an extra helping of blood and guts — in fact, there’s an entire subgenre of mysteries designed to make readers feel good.

According to Wikipedia, “Cozy mysteries, also referred to as ‘cozies’, are a subgenre of crime fiction in which sex and violence occur off stage, the detective is an amateur sleuth, and the crime and detection take place in a small, socially intimate community.” Think Angela Lansbury a la Murder, She Wrote. It’s a very PG approach to a genre that is usually a hard R.

Like romance, the cozy mystery is a subgenre mostly read by women. According to cozy-mystery.com, a website dedicated to this type of book, “Many cozy mystery readers are intelligent women looking for a ‘fun read’ that engages the mind, as well as provides entertainment.”

Any time a genre is marketed to one gender over the other, I automatically wonder why. Is it because women are seen as less likely to enjoy “hardboiled” detective fiction than men? Is it because women “have weaker stomachs” or “can’t handle violence”? Is it because everything made for women needs to be cutesy and fluffy?

To try to answer these questions, I read three different cozies to see if I could determine why they’re so popular and why they’re marketed to women. Here’s what I found.

And Then There Were Crumbs by Eve Calder

Quirky settings seem to be a recurring theme in cozies, with more than a few of the subgenre’s beloved heroines doing double duty as amateur detectives and small business owners. In And Then There Were Crumbs, the small business in question is a bakery nestled in a ridiculously beautiful beachside town.

The mystery is not the main focus of this book. Really, it’s about Kate recovering from a messy breakup and trying to save a small-town bakery from going under. The murder is just icing on the cake, so to speak.

Unfortunately, the mystery was the weakest part for me. It’s not bad, by any means, but it does feel a little too clean. I’m the type of reader who likes to try to figure out the mystery alongside the characters, and this story didn’t really let me do that. There aren’t any compelling suspects to speculate about, and the solution is only possible after Kate stumbles onto a missing clue that brings everything together. This is a device used a lot by shows like Murder, She Wrote, and it’s always been a little bit of a pet peeve of mine.

The rest of the plot is well-written and full of warm fuzzies, but as someone who was mainly interested in the whodunnit I was a little disappointed.

One thing I will say for And Then There Were Crumbs is that it made me crave cookies so badly I had to bake a batch of snickerdoodles after finishing it. That’s gotta count for something.

Final Rating: 💀💀💀 (3 skulls out of 5)

Sinfully Delicious by Amanda M. Lee

Like in And Then There Were Crumbs, the mystery is not the main focus of this book. Sinfully Delicious is, at its heart, a second chance romance about a down-on-her-luck author who moves back to her hometown and reconnects with her high school sweetheart. That she happens to discover a dead body on her first day back, and that the previously mentioned high school sweetheart happens to be the police officer investigating the case, is incidental.

As I was reading this book, I noticed another running theme in the cozy subgenre. Both And Then There Were Crumbs and Sinfully Delicious go out of their way to establish that the murder victims were very, very bad people. Of course no one deserves to be poisoned or stabbed in a back alley, but if anyone did, it would be these guys. In a way, this makes the murders less disturbing since they almost feel justified.

Sinfully Delicious spends even less time on the mystery than And Then There Were Crumbs — at times, it almost doesn’t feel like a mystery novel. The romance really is the main focus here, and I had serious issues with it. Stormy’s ex-boyfriend/love interest has a girlfriend, and there is definitely some emotional infidelity — what Bustle calls “micro-cheating.” To make us feel better about this (and to keep Stormy a sympathetic protagonist), the author makes the girlfriend so unbelievably bitchy and unlikable that we can’t help but hate her. I’m very tired of girl-on-girl hate being used as a plot device in romance novels, and this book is one of the worst offenders I’ve encountered in a while.

The murder subplot was pretty standard. The last minute reveal that pulls the whole mystery together appears once again in this book, followed by a conclusion so outlandish, it actually made up for some of the lackluster buildup.

I did enjoy the fantasy elements in Sinfully Delicious. Stormy discovers that she is a witch and possesses magical powers, but like a lot of other cool things in this story, the witch stuff gets pushed aside to make more room for the romance nobody asked for.

Final Rating: 💀💀 (2 skulls out of 5)

Agatha Raisin and The Quiche of Death by M. C. Beaton

The Agatha Raisin series is a staple of the cozy subgenre. With 30 books and counting, the series has been going strong since the early 1990s. Because this book (the first in the series) is quite a bit older than the other two I read, it isn’t quite as formulaic. It’s definitely heavy on the Agatha Christie inspiration (in case the protagonist’s name didn’t make it obvious), and it’s all very, very British.

Once again, the mystery isn’t the only thing going on here. This book is about Agatha, a fifty-something-year-old business woman who sells her PR firm, goes into an early retirement, and buys a cottage in the Cotswolds, only to realize that village life will be a harder adjustment than she thought. She feels torn between her new village, which isn’t at all like she imagined, and her old life in London, which is quickly moving on without her. Oh, and one of her new neighbors dies of poisoning after eating a quiche Agatha entered in a local baking competition.

I really liked Agatha as a character. It’s nice to see a single, middle aged woman who enjoys being single, and it’s interesting to read a story that deals with themes of getting older and planning for retirement. Agatha is also kind of a bad bitch, and I enjoyed reading about her aggressive, take-no-prisoners attitude.

The story really reminded me of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple series, which I’m sure is intentional. I can just imagine the author thinking, “But what if sweet Miss Marple was replaced by a London businesswoman?” and then writing this book. The supporting characters are all quirky and eccentric in some way, and some moments are genuinely humorous.

The murder mystery plays a more central role in this book than the first two I read, with Agatha doing lots of good, old fashioned snooping, breaking and entering, and harassing suspects. The conclusion was a little bit of a letdown for me — I think the author could have gone in a lot of different directions, but chose the most boring one.

Final Rating: 💀💀💀 (3 skulls out of 5)

Conclusion

I really can see the appeal of this type of mystery. These books are perfect for readers, both men and women, who want a fun mystery that they can try to solve alongside the protagonist, but who don’t want to read graphic descriptions of violence. I really do think there’s a place in the larger mystery genre for stories like this.

These books are also great for when you aren’t sure what genre you want to read. There’s a little bit of murder, a little bit of women’s fiction, a little bit of humor, and sometimes even a little bit of romance. It’s a grab bag of some of the most popular genres of fiction, and it speaks to readers with eclectic tastes.

Since I discovered the existence of the “cozy mystery” label, I’ve been using it to find books to read when I’m not feeling anything super intense. I read a lot of horror and thrillers, but sometimes I can get burned out on that type of intensely emotional (and often disturbing) story. When I want just a taste of intrigue without the blood and guts, cozies are a good option.

If you’re an avid reader of more intense mysteries, I recommend checking out this more lighthearted side to the genre. Who says a book about murder can’t be uplifting?

[yikesharringrove]

Happy Trans Billy Week!

Day 3: Bakery/Chef!au

@transbillyhargrove @blurbwitch

Harringrove

-

BIlly is ftm, Stevie is mtf

-

“At least just try her stuff. She’s really good!”

Robin was trying to sell Billy on her friend, again.

He had been working his ass off opening this cafe, had been interviewing professional bakers around the city for it. And Robin wanted him to hire her friend. Who baked for fun.

“And she’ll work in house! You would just have to pay her a salary, not give her a cut of everything sold.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“But then I would have to buy all the shit for her to bake everything.”

“But you’ll make bank on her stuff. She makes these little doughnut things, but they’re double fried and made with like, puff pastry.

“So not a doughnut at all.” She slapped his chest.

“Fuck you. People would pay like, five whole dollars for one ‘a those. At least just try.”

“Fine. Have her bring me some samples of stuff on Monday. I want cookies, coffee cakes, specialty pastries, crossiants, and whatever that not-doughnut thing is.” Robin grinned at him.

-

Robin came in on Monday trying to awkwardly bring a giant box into the cafe.

“Stevie couldn’t make it. She had a doctor’s appointment or something. But anyway, here’s what you asked for.” She placed it down on a table, pointing at everything.

“So she made chocolate chip cookies, gingersnaps, snickerdoodles, and teas cookies, croissants, coffee cake, carrot cake, chese cake, that doughnutty-thing, actual doughnuts, brownies and lemon bars. I think she didn’t sleep for like, four days.”

Billy was impressed. It was a good spread.

“She also made me bring a loaf of sourdough in case you’re doing like, toast stuff. I said you weren’t, but I think she feels bad for not being here.”

They tried everything.

And unfortunately, is was all fucking delicious.

“Fine. She’s fucking hired.” Billy made a list of everything he wanted to sell, thought maybe the delicious not-doughnuts could be a bit of a speicality, new flavors every week. “I’ll need a comprehensive list of ingredients, and she’ll probably have to check out the set up we got here.”

Billy hadn’t really wanted an in-house baker, but he hadn’t ripped out the ovens, proving drawers, coolers and counters in the back, so he supposed it would work out okay.

“And tell her I want an in person meeting within the next few days.”

-

Billy was scrubbing out one of the ovens in the back when he heard the bell above the door.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” He called.

“Um, I’m Stevie Harrington? I’m Robin’s baker friend? You said I should come see the space?” Billy got up with a groan, stretching until his back popped.

“You tellin’ me, or askin’.” He pushed open the back door, smirking at the girl standing on the other side of his counter. She was tall, had much fucking dark hair, falling almost to her ass and big round eyes.

“Telling. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here yesterday. That appointment was important. Billy shrugged. “I have a list of ingredients for you. I figured how many of each item per day, and broke it up into waht I would need weekly and monthly, since I don’t know how you’re planning on ordering everything.” Billy nodded at the neat handwriting.

“Your stuff was good. I was thinking for those double fried things, we could do a new flavor every week. Make them a bit of a specialty.” Her cheeks went a little pink.

“Thank you. I’m so glad you liked everything, and decidded to give me this opportunity.” He smiled at her.

“You’re talented. Come see what I got.” She followed him to the back, her eyes going wide as she looked at the industrial ovens. “This place was a bakery, so we’ve got everything you should need.” The old owner had passed away, didn’t have anyone to leave the bakery to.

“Oh, this is perfect. When’s opening?”

“We’re four weeks out. I was planning on ripping all this out, so it has to be cleaned, but everything else is ahead of schedule.” Stevie opened an oven, peerinf inside.

“They’re not too gross. The old owners tool good care of everything.” She took of her jacket, was left just in her pretty dark blue dress. “I’ll help you clean.” She smiled at him as she took the cleaning supplies from him, getting to work scrubbing down the oven.

Billy played some music as they worked, chatting lightly to one another.

“So, how’d you end up in Seattle?” Billy had shot straight up here after graduating hisgh school, didn’t want to leave the west coast, but wanted to go somewhere different. Stevie had mentioned being from a small town in the midwest.

“Just kinda needed a fresh start. Robin and I moved out here together about six years ago, now. She went to University of Washington, and I jsut wanted to live somewhere interesting for once. Plus, it’s just better for me here.” Billy nodded.

“Me too.” She smiled at him. She had put her dark hair into a messy bun to keep it out of her face, and Billy had gotten her an apron to keep her dress neat.

“What made you want to open a cafe?”

“Well, I mean, it’s Seattle.” She laughed. “But I also just liked the idea of running my own business. Building something from the ground up. And I like the vibe of cafes. They’re just in between places. You can come alone and just hang out.”  Billy had gotten many comfortable mis-matched chairs and placed them amoungst the tables and chairs. He wasnted it to be cozy. He had bookshelves on one wall, thought he could even have a take-a-book-leave-a-book kinda thing goin’ on.

“I think that’s really nice.”

-

Stevie started coming over everyday to help him clean out the kitchen. Somteims she would drag Robin, but more often than not, it was just the two of them, scrubbing everything out, listening to music and talking about random things.

But one day Stevie didn’t come in, didn’t call Billy to let him know, didn’t send Robin with a message.

Billy thought he was frustrated that his employee was missing, but really, he was just worried.

She looked tired the next day when she came in, her hair up in a messy ponytail, was wearing baggy jeans and a sweatshirt.

“I’m so sorry. I promise that will not happen again.” She had gotten right to work.

“Look, I don’t mind if you need personal days, just call me. Let me know.” She nodded at him, her eyes were bright. “Are you okay?” Her lip trembled.

“I’m sorry. I just, sometimes I have such bad days, and I can’t stand to look at myself, and I don’t want anyone else to look at me. And you’re always so nice to me, and I, I didn’t want you looking at me with your pretty eyes. I knew I would fucking fall apart.”

She was kneeling on the floor, fucking crying as she scrubbed at the proving drawer. Her make up was beginning to run just a bit.

Billy grabbed a fw paper towels, sitting down next to her.

“You wanna talk about it?” She shook her head.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.” She wiped at her esys, smudging the dark makeup underneath. He took the paper towel from her hands, wiping up streaked makeup.

He was staring into her big dark eyes, noticed the soft honey gold in them, the forest green.

“Is it okay if I kissed you?” Her gaze dropped to his lips.

“Yeah,” she breathed.

Billy leaned in, kissing her softly, keeping it slow and chaste.

He pulled back, dabbing at her eyes again.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while. I’m sorry, that probably wasn’t the best timing, I just, I really like you.” Her lip trembled.

“The reason, the reason I was feeling so bad yesterday was, was because everytime I speak to my parents on the phone, they call me their son.” She swallowed hard.

“The last time I spoke to my dad, he called me his ungrateful bitch of a daughter. I get it, Stevie. I really do.” Stevie whimpered, another tear slipping out.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t, didn’t know if I could tell you.” He smiled at her, wiping her eyes one last time, kissing her cheek.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell anyone anything.” She gave a watery laugh.

“Thank you, for being kind to me.”

“You’re a good person, Stevie. You deserve kindness.” She smiled at him, pulling back to take a deep breath. “And I meant what I said. I really like you. I’d like to take you on a date, if that’s okay.”

She nodded vigorously, ponytail bouncing.

“Oh, yeah! I had the biggest crush on you since I walked in here. I mean, Robin’s been trying to set us up for like, months.” BIlly raised one eyebrow, giving her a lopsided smile.

“Are you serious? Is that why she was so insistent on me trying your stuff?”

“Well, and that fact that I’m a damn good baker.” He laughed. She was grinning as she moved back to scrubbing the drawer. “She’s gonna be so smug. I can already hear her. Stevie, I TOLD you that you would love him. He’s JUST yout type.” Billy grinned iwder.

“And what is your type?”

“Beefy assholes that’re way smarter than me.”

[alethiometry]

WAIT can i also get alfred for that character breakdown. please

lmao i was wondering when you’d ask. simp.

How I feel about this character

god....if there’s any character that could be described as “oozing charisma”... it’s our goth king aelfred. from the very beginning of the game he looms over england as not-quite a villain in the conventional sense, but just as a very powerful and very compelling antagonist. i was surprised at how little screentime he got — we don’t see him until oxenefordscire, almost halfway through the game — and then we don’t see him again until the game is almost over. but he’s always lurking... always watching...

i think what i’m getting at is, aelfred of wessex is about as iconic and intrinsic in acv as the t-rex in jurassic world or the shark in jaws. just perfectly threatening, perfectly compelling, and used minimally but perfectly.

i think i would have liked the grand maegester reveal a little more if odyssey hasn’t done the same thing with leader-of-shady-org-manipulates-protag-into-dismantling-it-for-them-because-they’re-not-happy-with-the-way-the-org-is-going-and-can-outsource-the-labor-bc-they’re-rich. YES aelfred makes more sense than aspasia, and YES it was written better in every way, and YES it was a predictable outcome that doesn’t diminish the impact of the revelation... but also... idk. maybe the issue is with odyssey and not valhalla.

i love seeing his interactions with the common people: the little girl in wincestre, and the baker in...whatever village that is. he treats everyone (or... at least christians) with respect and dignity!

finally, while i hate that ubba died offscreen, i love that aelfred was such a petty bitch about it that he didn’t even bother to get ubba’s name right. literally the only instance in the game where i thought, “i want this man to die” ... but that’s just good writing lmao

All the people I ship romantically with this character

you

My non-romantic OTP for this character

i really love his dynamic with eivor! i don’t ship them romantically/sexually but i’m obsessed with their chemistry. they speak to each other as equals and are both held in high regard by their peers, and that makes for a very interesting relationship. they’re the type of people i’d want to see in like a buddy cop or roadtrip movie lmao

i would also have loved to see more of his interactions with fulke, since she was such a prominent villain and worked directly under him. like, how much of her “research” into sigurd’s state of mind did he hear about? or does he just give her leave to do whatever tf she wants as long as it’s like... In The Name Of Christianity or whatever the fuck

My unpopular opinion about this character

i want a 100k+ coffeeshop college au where aelfred is kicked out of school and has to work at a coffeeshop/bakery to pay off his loans but can’t bake a damn pastry to save his life. no plot, no shipping, just aelfred’s daily diary/blog page that gets like 3 views max (one of them is goodwin) where he just muses over his life in the food service industry. it’s wildly out-of-touch the way any rich fancy boy would be, but it’s also... oddly zen.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i hesitate to say that i want more screentime with aelfred, because i think his presence in the game was actually executed perfectly. that being said, i would love to have seen more of him, just because i like him so much! i guess we’ll leave that for discovery mode, because unfotunately there’s no way i have the attention span to watch the last kingdom.

character ask thingos

[thtdamfangirl4]

thanks @pretend-im-normal for this set of questions!

i shall start with a christmas ask game (yes i know it’s january 28th) created by none other than archie’s husband

1. Their favorite Christmas tradition

I think for Archie it has to be baking christmas cookies. He loves doing it even if it’s just him, but especially doing it with the people he loves. He takes the decorating process way too seriously (this may or may not be inspired by my real life) and all the bois pitch in and reginald’s are always disturbing but annoyingly delicious and dorian’s are always a little goth and octavius’s are fabulous and archie keeps telling him that louboutins are not a christmas item but octavius insists that since he asked for them for christmas they should count, and archie loves him so he lets it slide. Eustace very carefully decorates and does his best and every time you eat one you can tell it’s full of love. Jasper wants everything to be as colorful as possible and he covers them in sprinkles. And nathaniel, lovely nathaniel, can’t decorate for shit but he just has fun with it and laughs the whole time and that makes archie’s chest feel tight for reasons he can’t explain until later. And then Archie and Nate finally start dating and during their first Christmas, aside from the bois cookie night, they do one of their own and Archie shows Nate how to decorate the way he does and Nate can’t quite get there but he’s following each direction with fervor and they look pretty good and he’s so proud of himself and Archie sneaks mistletoe into the kitchen and kisses him and now they do it every year, and every year Nate gets a little better. And eventually they have kids and they join the tradition (even the annual cookie decorating night with the bois), and Cam is fantastic at cookie decorating and Ben eats the dough and Archie swats him teasingly with a wooden spoon every time and Evie mixes icing colors cause she’s great at art and Nate washes dishes and makes a valiant effort and they dance around the kitchen and sing christmas music playing from Archie’s phone and he smiles the whole time and every year, he pulls out the mistletoe and kisses his husband and the kids go from thinking it’s cute to thinking it’s gross and embarrassing and all the way back to thinking it’s adorable when they’re old enough and one year Evie snaps a picture of it and it’s on the Christmas card the next year. Christmas is his favorite time of the year, and cookie days just feel like this magic untouchable place where he’s with his family and doing what he loves and to him, it is Christmas personified.

2. Their favorite Christmas song

It’s very hard to narrow down, so I’ll give a top three: All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, Last Christmas by Wham!, and Mary Did You Know by Pentatonix.

3. Their least favorite Christmas song

This will not come as a shock, because well... I’m Archie. It’s Michael Buble’s version of Santa Baby. He loves most of Michael’s Christmas music, but in his words, Michael Buble “needs to man up and be willing to fuck Santa or don’t bother singing the song.” He just made it weird by having it be Santa Buddy and Santa Pally. And Archie loves this song. He tweets Michael Buble about it every Christmas, begging him to erase it from existence.

4. Their general feelings about Christmas

Archie goes feral for Christmas. He loves everything about it. Fun, family, love, festivity, good music, good food, an excuse to bake 24/7, baby Jesus, buying presents, getting presents. Archie prides himself on being the Christmas Bitch. He’s especially fantastic at gift-giving.

5. Their favorite Christmas treat

Octavius’s homemade pizelles dipped in spiked hot chocolate.

6. The best gift they ever received

When Evie is like 20, she gives him a scrapbook for Christmas. It’s filled with pictures of Archie, Nathaniel, the kids, and the other bois over the years. Every page has Taylor Swift lyrics that relate to the images and stories, as well as messages she’s written and cute captions. In addition to pictures, there’s little mementos like ticket stubs or receipts or notes she’s collected from her dad and her aunts and uncles and scattered throughout the book are cutout lines from a printed out version of the poem he wrote for his and Nathaniel’s anniversary. Archie cries for like 3 hours.

7. The worst gift they ever received

One year, Jessica gets him in the PTA secret santa, and she gets him a few workout shirts and an expensive bottle of red wine. He’s so offended. To an outsider, this may seem like a nice gift, but it’s very clear that she got him the shirt because she disapproves of his crop tops. And she knows full well that he doesn’t really like red wine. He’s a white wine bitch. She knows. It’s been discussed.

8. The best gift they ever gave

He likes to joke that the best gift he’s ever given is the supplementary bundle of “free sex” coupons he gave to Nathaniel their first Christmas together (he also got him a fluffy bathrobe, a playlist of songs that remind him of nate, an anthology of queer writing and letters from historical figures, and a trip to color me mine, don’t worry). But the real best gift he ever gave was years later, when they’ve been married for 5 years. He surprises Nathaniel with a trip to New York, where he’s also gotten them tickets to a revival of Hamilton, they go on a tour of diner breakfasts, and then have a shopping and spa day. And then he has them get dressed up but Nathaniel doesn’t know why and after they go to a fancy dinner, he takes Nathaniel to the Woolworth building on Broadway (where the ball scene from Enchanted takes place), and the whole place has been rented out there’s the actual singer from the movie and they slow dance in the romantic lighting to So Close (their wedding song) and it’s endlessly romantic and both of them are crying a lot little.

9. The worst gift they ever gave

No. Archie has never given a bad gift in his life.

10. How they decorate their house

dude. DECK THE FUCKING HALLS. There are two trees. One is picture perfect and looks straight out of a hallmark movie, and the other one is covered in popcorn strings and tacky ornaments from movies and shows and homemade ones by the kids and Ben always puts too much tinsel on it and Cam eats the candy canes so it’s a little wonky and that one is not-so-secretly Archie’s favorite. Beautiful wreaths on the doors and windows outside. Beautiful real-looking garland and berries and red ribbon and little bells decorate the banisters and staircases. There are lights everywhere. Christmas paintings. Outside is decked the fuck out in lights of all colors, he loves the icicles, no blow ups, but he does get a moving reindeer made of lights, and it’s a whole winter wonderland. Lots of seasonal scented candles. White lights on the mantle. Always a fire burning in the fireplace. A beautiful handmade and well-lit nativity scene. Cinnamon scented pinecones everywhere. Santa, reindeer, and snowman figures are in a lot of places. He puts mistletoe above every doorway, molding, entryway, high cabinet, or anywhere he can hang it because the man loves love and he wants as many excuses as he can get to kiss his husband.

11. Their favorite Christmas memory

On Evie’s first Christmas, she gets all fussy and cries a lot while they’re at Octavius and Dorian’s for Christmas Eve and so they go home early and they put her to bed but it’s only like 8pm. So they have their own end to the night and it’s just them in their pajamas, watching The Holiday and Love Actually while drinking tea and they just cuddle up under a blanket. Archie gives Nate forehead kisses and they fall asleep curled up on the couch halfway through The Year Without a Santa Claus. And he wakes up and Nate isn’t there anymore and he finds him holding Evie in her rocking chair humming Christmas songs to her and he just watches from the doorway until Nate finally looks up and smiles at him. And then they get everything ready cause everyone they know is coming to their house for Christmas and Evie wears an adorable Christmas onesie and they all open presents but. Those like 12 hours. Cuddling with Nathaniel and watching christmas romcoms and waking up to see his husband rocking their beautiful baby daughter to christmas songs. Yeah. That one’s his favorite.

12. Their least favorite Christmas memory

When he was like 12 (back in the regency days) he got sick on Christmas and couldn’t go to any of the events or parties and he hated it. But other than that,,, there’s a reason Christmas is his favorite time of year. It’s magic for him.

13. if/Where they travel for the holidays

Nah. He always stays home. He’s the Christmas Hostess With The Mostest. Always home for Christmas. He, Nathaniel, and the kids do go to Disney World for the week before/including New Year’s one year though.

14. Who they spend the holidays with

Obviously: Nathaniel, Octavius, Dorian, Reginald, Jasper, Eustace, Tyler, (and eventually) Evie, Ben, and Cam, and Eustace and Tyler’s kids. Gigi, Chloe, Jackie, and Liza, switch off every year whether they’re with family or the bois. Lynn and Suzanne always come to Christmas Eve and stop by on Christmas day before going to see their families. Every once in a while, Reginald brings a Doug who had nowhere else to go.

15. All of their Christmas traditions (not just their favorite XD)

jesus. well some have been listed. Cookies, decorating, hanging mistletoe fucking everywhere. he starts listening to Christmas music on November 1st. Snowball fight with the whole crew. Snowman contest with the whole crew. Getting drunk and watching Hallmark/Netflix Christmas movies. Making cinnamon rolls for christmas morning. wearing an entire christmas wardrobe in the month of december. Christmas treats at the bakery. Looking hot at Nathaniel’s work Christmas party. Wrapping presents for weeks after the kids go to bed. Making the world’s best hot cocoa. Bugging Octavius for his pizelle recipe (he won’t give it up). tweeting one direction and begging them to reunite for a Christmas album. Rewatching all the holiday seasons of the Great British Bake Off. Making roast for Christmas dinner. Making mulled wine at some point. Game day with the crew the day after Christmas. Writing Nate a poem every Christmas they’re usually really bad . eating one candy cane per season out of obligation and then going back to his hatred of mint. buying a million seasonal items at Bath and Body Works. watching It’s a Wonderful Life with Nathaniel on Christmas Eve Eve. Dressing his kids in christmas pajamas. That’s all I can think of for now.

okay i’m finally done this took me almost two hours oh my god. happy frat boi-ing.