#Also I was closeted and she’d figured out that I was queer which made it worse

[jmflowers]

I’ve never been huge Calzona shipper because it always seemed like Callie was apologizing and compromising while Arizona just expected that Callie would fall in line to whatever she wanted. Her perkiness hides a lot of flakiness and meanness, in my opinion. Plus all the biphobia (yes it’s a product of its time but it’s still pretty shitty like she’s your wife). I actually wanted Arizona to die instead of Mark plane but that didn’t happen weirdly the cheating breathed new life to dynamic for me, but a break right after where they found their way back and eventually moved would’ve been ideal. Not the slow rot that ended up being their relationship. Like for as much as their relationship was groundbreaking and impressively for the time, I also think a lot of things fell to the wayside and would’ve rather had seen Callie get with somebody else and have that same consideration instead of watching her constantly begging for Arizona to just like, get her and give her some grace.

I agree with so many of your points here!

Arizona has always brought a very commanding energy to any situation - partly because of how she was raised and partly because she was simply in an authority figure role from the moment she stepped on screen. She was learning to bend for others in her relationship with Callie, but she was never very good at it.

And as such, Callie did become small in her shadow. Even when Callie was doing incredible things in her field. She was a remarkable doctor, they made that much quite clear, but she’d been through so much already by the time Arizona arrived and Arizona never quite seemed to fully understand all of it.

Which isn’t entirely any one specific characters fault; communication is a two-way street. And the writers just don’t always have time for those frank discussions in a 43-minute ensemble show.

Their story was revolutionary at the time it was told, at least for me. I don’t know about you anon, but I’d grown up being forcefully closeted by my peers and hearing adults connote homosexuality with being a pedophile. Callie and Arizona’s story was the first time I saw queer women safe and happy (and openly out! and bisexual!) on screen and it changed my life for the better.

That biphobia though… yes. It was ingrained in the fandom as a result. It was something I, too, had to unpack and unlearn as a young queer because I hadn’t been shown any different.

The cheating, while trope and sort of antithetic to positive queer stories, did breathe new life into their story. And shook them up in a way that they desperately needed to become themselves without each other again. How fascinating it would’ve been to have had Callie navigating back to herself with Mark as a support! Thank you for putting that in my head.

[butchratchettruther]

Thinking about how comedically bad nearly all of my partners have been

[queerasfact]

Book Review: Playing with Things: Engaging with the Moche Sex Pots by Mary Weismantel

I first came across Weismantel’s work when researching our podcast on Moche sex pots in 2018. For those of you who don’t know, the Moche were a people living on the north coast of Peru in the first millennium CE, probably most famous for their ceramics which depict a wide range of sex acts between humans, skeletons, and animals. We talked about them on our podcast particularly for what these pots can tell us about their understandings of gender.

When I was looking into this topic way back in 2018, I found Weismantel’s article “Moche Sex Pots: Reproduction and Temporality in Ancient South America” an interesting discussion of why the Moche may have chosen to depict the types of sex they did, and so I was excited when UT Press got in touch to let us know she’d written a whole book on the pots – so below is a review of how I found it.

If I had to sum up Wiesmantel’s writing in one word, I’d say it was refreshing. As soon as I started reading her introduction, I loved her frankness about some of the disappointing realities of modern scholarship; she dives in with a critique of both archaeology’s unwillingness to engage with the “racy” material of the sex pots, and sexuality studies’ tendency to “trot [non-Western examples of sexuality] out of the closet for rhetorical purposes” without really engaging with them. As someone who often researchers in these spaces and wades through poorly-thought out, Western-centric analyses of Indigenous gender and sexuality, it was such a relief to know Weismantel was aware of these issues from the get-go. And while the bar may be low, I was also excited to read a book that explored Indigenous sexuality and gender where the author had a clear understanding of, and correctly used, terms like intersex, sex, and gender, rather than throwing them around in confused and inconsistent ways, as I’ve so often found in this area of study.

Refreshing also describes Weismantel’s style overall. This is an academic work – thoroughly researched, footnoted, and at times quite theoretical – but Weismantel’s style remains accessible, easy to understand, and rarely mired down in jargon. I often sit with a pile of non-fiction books on my bedside table that go unread because by the end of the day I don’t have the mental energy to engage with them – but I got through Weismantel’s work over several cosy evenings with a struggle.

Onto the content of the book itself – it’s broken down into a literature review, followed by  several chapters about what Moche sex pots do – play jokes, make babies, give power, and hold water. From a queer history perspective, I found the chapter ‘Pots make babies’ particularly interesting. Weismantel explores the question that often comes up when talking about Moche sex pots – why do they show so many examples of anal sex between various figures, but so rarely show vaginal sex? In answer this, she makes a deliberate effort to eschew her own cultural understandings and expectations about sex and human relationships. Instead, she begins by looking at the pots themselves to see what activities or features the pot’s creators have chosen to focus on, and investigate why these may have been important in Moche culture. From a queer standpoint, this makes for a refreshing (there it is again!) look at sex and sexuality that – as Weismantel herself notes – doesn’t frame penetrative vaginal sex as the “norm” or centre the moment of conception, instead creating a wider view of life as formed and affected by a variety of human and non-human relationships.

And before I wrap up, I have to mention the photographs. In 2018, I had such a struggle to find clear photographs of the pots – which made trying to analyse them as pieces of visual culture very difficult. But here, the photos are clear, numerous, and taken from multiple angles! This book is honestly a game-changer in that regard.

As Weismantel does, I’ll end this review with a mention of the work of Peruvian artist Kukuli Velarde, whose artwork Plunder Me, Baby puts her own face onto pots reminiscent of those made by the Moche, labelled with the kind a racist and misogynist slurs she herself has faced due to her Indigenous ancestry. As Velarde explains of her works, "They all have my face for I had to become each of them to reclaim ownership…” I appreciated this ending to Weismantel’s book, a reminder of something that she acknowledges throughout the book, and that I think the fields of ethnography, archaeology, and anthropology often need to be reminded of - that Indigenous people continue to engage with objects such as the sex pots as their own cultural history, and to be affected by the way in which scholars choose to talk about them.

[moonyswriting]

Pride

Happy Pride Month everyone! Whether you queer or questioning, closeted or out, I am so proud of you, you are valid and perfect! Remember that you never have to come out if you don’t want to. You’re not lying to anyone if you don’t. You don’t owe them to come out. Only do it if you want to. Also remember that labels can stay forever or can change and both is perfectly normal. You're fantastic the way you are. <3

So, I managed to write a pride fic for the first day of pride month! yay me. I hope you like it :)

Thank you for the idea @moonofthenight

Characters by @lumosinlove

When Pascal came into their living room it had never looked more colourful, but it had also not looked this messy in a long time. There was tape on all four sides of the table, paper and little paper cut outs all over the floor and in the middle of everything, all his four children, looking like deer in the headlights.

“What happened?”, he asked slowly. There would be a reasonable explanation for all of this, he was sure. Celeste had probably helped and they would clean everything back up in no time, leaving no trace of a mess before the team came over for dinner tonight.

Adele shuffled over looking at the floor. “Um,” she stared before glazing back at her siblings, who nodded at her encouragingly. “So, we decided to make some things for the others. You know, since you’re having that Pride Party tonight? We thought we’d make little gifts for the team.”

Oh, Pascal’s heart was already a puddle. “You-”, he stared, but couldn’t continue. He had questioned a lot if he should have raised his children differently, more open to the rainbow or attractions and genders (or lack thereof) that was out there, but this made him feel like he and Celeste had at least done some things right.

Pascal only realised he hadn’t properly said anything yet when Katie rushed towards him, hugging his hip. “Please don’t be mad. I promise, we’ll clean it all up. Mama said she’d help us!”, the big eyes of his youngest daughter stared up at him, guilty, but hopeful.

“I’m not mad, mon chou.”, picking her up, he turned towards the other three, still standing in front of him. “Not at any of you. This is an incredible idea! The team will love them. Thank you so much, it’s really thoughtful.” Leaning down, he placed a kiss on each of his childrens’ foreheads, including Katie’s before setting her down to get back to the others. Celeste walked through the door the next moment, flowers of all colours in her hand.

“You found our little pride squad then?”she asked, walking past him and into the kitchen, probably to cut off the ends of the stems. “Don’t worry, I’ll help them clean up and we’ll be done before any of your teammates even leave their houses.”

His wife knew him too well. He hated when other people visited them and their house was messy. Of course there had been times where he couldn’t really keep it clean with four toddlers running around, but he still always tried and his family knew that and helped him. It wasn’t really that it bothered him that visitors could see that they were possibly not clean people, it was just the principle. He thought it should that they were prepared and anticipated someone’s visit. He never wanted them to think it was a bad time to visit because he would eventually excuse the mess. He always wanted everyone to feel welcome.

And that’s what tonight would be about. Making his team feel always welcomed and loved and accepted.

Celeste returned back to their dining room without the flowers, kissing Pacal’s cheek and then turning towards their children. “Did you show him what you made already?” they shook their heads but quickly climbed up onto chairs and sorted through the things they had made. “They’re all really cute, I already saw some of them.” Celeste whispered giddily into his ear, as excitement bloomed in his chest and they walked over to look at the crafts.

“Here!” Katie waved a piece of paper in the air and Pascal walked around the table to look at what she had made. SHe beamed up at him as she explained, “This is for Tremzy! And Harzy and Knutty! It’s a card and I drew Lo, Leo and Finn on the front, see!” The man took the card in his hands. There were three stick figures on it, the smallest with brown hair, the next one with bright red hair and the last, taller than the other with yellow hair. In the back there were blue, red and black dots. “Why did you use those colours, ma petite?” He did have an idea, but with the many coloured pens on the table it could have just been a coincidence.

He could see Katie look over to Adele and Marc, before her eyes met his again. “Del and Marc said that those are the colours when you have more than one love and Logan has Finn and Leo, so they said I should use those. They look good together right?” Pascal could see that he wasn’t the only one close to tears after glazing over at Celeste smiling brightly. “Yes, Katie, it looks beautiful. Lo, Leo and Finn will love it! Adele, Marc, thank you for helping your sister. I know that this will mean a lot to Logan.” then as if he couldn’t help but to add, “I’m also very proud of you for looking up pride flag colours. I’m really happy you're informing yourself about these topics. They’re important.”

They all smiled at him. Pascal went over to Louis next. “I made two! This one is a card for Olli and Del and Marc also helped me with colours, so it's black, grey, white and this really nice purple that Katie gave me. It didn’t really match the photo, but I liked it better than the really dark one. Do you think he’ll mind?” The fact that his youngest son actually looked concerned staring down at his work had a tear spilling over. He let out a wet chuckle. “Non, je pense qu’il va l'adorer, c’est parfait. For who is the green one?” Louis pulled it out from under his other one and now Pascal could see it was not just green. There were black, grey, white and purple stripes on it too. “It’s for Reg! See, it’s got these stripes and then I drew this heart above it, cause even though he doesn’t want a boyfriend like Siri, he still gets all the love he needs from me and Siri and you and Re and the rest of the team!” Celeste came over and placed a kiss on his cheek, “He loves you too, mon lapinou. They look amazing.”

He walked over to his older son, he didn’t know if he could be any prouder of them. “ I made one for Kasey, Nat and Alex.” Marc stated as he handed his father one of the cards he had made. There were three heads on it, one with long blond hair and hoop earrings, one with light brown hair to the shoulders and one with dark red hair, freckles filling up more of his face than the light pink his son had used for all their skin tones. Pascal was about to compliment it, when Marc gave him another one. “This one is for Nado and Kuny. I made it full of hearts in pan and bi colours, because you mentioned that once and I really hope it’s right.” before Pascal could even think his next thought a stack of cards was placed in his hands. “And then for some of then we didn’t know, but we didn’t want them to feel left out or asume, so I made some rainbow ones for Pots, Talker, Sergei, Timmers, Cookie, Bluey, Ringer, Volley, Wrangler, Sunny and Foxy.”

Pascal was a bit shaken, not only that his son even remembered everyone of his teammates, without missing a single one, but at him having crafted every single one of them a rainbow card. “They will all love them, I’m sure. They look incredible.”

He saw Adele look down at her cards and moving them slightly out of view. Frowning, he walked over to her, “Did you also make something, ma colombe?” She nodded, pulling out one of her cards and holding it up for him to see. It was beautiful. She had glued blue magazine cut outs on the top of the cards, which got lighter til they reached a white in the middle and to green ones at the bottom. Over it there was a heart which read “Some hockey players marry their PT, get over it” He didn’t know how she had thought of that, but it was true and funny and so Adele, Pascal had no choice but to love it.

“These are all perfect. Thank you so, so much for making them, they’ll all love them I’m sure. We can tell them to all sit down in the living room so you can give them their cards later, sounds good?” They all nodded, seemingly happy with the idea. “Now let’s clean up before they come here and don’t recognize the place, eh?” All of them nodded as they got up, Celeste telling them where to start and how to clean it.

Pascal moved to the kitchen with the tray of now empty glasses Celeste had no doubt gotten them earlier, when he heard something behind him. Once he had carefully placed down everything he turned around to see Adele standing in the kitchen, arms behind her back. He waited for her to speak for only a moment until she did. “So, you saw that we made cards for everyone, because they’re all great and we should let them know we love and support them, right?” Pascal nodded, letting her continue, “But there’s one more card I made,” Pascal had counted before, his children hadn’t forgotten a single one of his teammates, he had no clue what that last card could be for. “because it’s important that they know they’re loved right?” she continued, “that’s a really important part of all of this. So,” she slowly pulled out a card from behind her back, “this one is for exactly that. Just because someone’s not queer or questioning, doesn’t mean they’re not important this month. It’s not the main focus of it, of course, but having allies is a big part of being able to be proud of who they are for some people. I wanted to thank you for that. I could have gotten some homophobic dad like some of my classmates, but I’m really, really glad I got you.”

She handed him the card she had made, similar to the collage of magazines but in black and white stripes with a rainbow A covering it. He couldn’t help the wetness that gathered in his eyes again. And here he had thought the emotional stuff wouldn’t be until the team arrived. He walked forward and hugged his oldest daughter. “Thank you so, so much,” he whispered, since he didn’t trust himself with anything else to come out anywhere close to evenly, “Thank you, ma petite. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. You’re the best children I could have ever asked for.”

[musings-from-mars]

Queering Your F/M Jaune Ships Part 1: Pride of the Roses

With this series, I am embarking on a quest to make F/M ships involving Jaune as queer as can be, because there’s not enough of it IMO. First stop is War of the Roses, done in lieu of Lancaster and Whiteknight separately because I like the polyam ship a bit more. Plus I think Weiss deserves two dorks at once. Enjoy!

~~~

Weiss was conflicted.

On one hand, she was ecstatic to get to go to Pride for the first time, especially with her boyfriend and girlfriend. Over the course of the past year, she’d (sorta) figured out her sexuality, acquired two lovely partners, and had even been exploring her gender (which was still a work-in-progress).

On the other hand, from how Ruby and Jaune described it, Pride sounded so intimidating. So many people, so much singing and chanting and noise, all under the hot Vale summer sun. It sounded like the worst sensory environment imaginable. Ruby and Jaune were well aware of Weiss’ aversion to such conditions, but Weiss had insisted that she could do this. She wanted to experience this, to be a part of something she had never been a part of before. She wouldn’t let the fear of sensory discomfort get in the way of that. Or at least she would try her best. 

“If at any point it gets to be too much,” Jaune reminded her as he lounged on their bed, “just tell us, okay?”

“Yeah,” Ruby agreed as she pulled on the tank top she had rainbow tie-dyed the day before. “It can get pretty wild, so just say the word and we can go hang out at that one coffee shop you like instead.”

Weiss chuckled at her partners’ displays of concern for her. It made her feel cared for, but she shook her head. “Trust me, I think I’ll be able to handle it just fine.”

“You’re not just doing this for us, are you?” Jaune asked. “Because I don’t care what we do to celebrate, so long as it’s us.”

“I want to do this,” Weiss assured him with a nod, heading over to the closet to retrieve the outfit she had planned to wear—a crop top in the colors of the bi flag, and a pair of rainbow short shorts. “This time last year, I didn’t have any of this queer stuff figured out. Now that I do, I want to mark the occasion.”

Ruby stepped closer to her and smiled. “Well, however today goes, know that we’re both super proud of you.” She kissed her cheek, then upcapped a face paint marker. “Now, get dressed so I can draw on your face!”

When the whole process was finished, the three of them were more colorful than a 64 pack of crayons. Weiss had her outfit on, with a bi flag painted on one cheek and a polyamorous flag on the other, with various rainbows, hearts, infinity symbols, and affirmations like “queer cutie” and “bi babe” all over her arms and legs (Ruby had gone overboard with the paint, but Weiss figured that was the point). Meanwhile, Ruby wore her tie-dye top, a trans flag skirt, and some demigirl leggings that she made herself. Her face and arms were similarly covered in colorful paint.

“Not looking forward to how much I’m gonna sweat in this thing,” Jaune remarked with a nervous chuckle as he tugged his trans flag binder on.

“Says the guy who wears a hoodie almost every day,” Ruby said.

“Binder sweat is totally different from hoodie sweat.” He took a deep breath, then stretched his arms over his head. He didn’t bind that often (hence his love for baggy hoodies), but today seemed like a good occasion to break out this bad boy. The fact that it fit so well made it all the easier.

“Maybe wear something other than jeans, too?” Weiss added. “Sweaty man?”

“I don’t look good in anything else other than jeans,” Jaune claimed.

“False!” Ruby said. “You also look good in swim trunks.”

Jaune blushed. “Well, you’re biased.”

“She’s objectively right, though,” Weiss said, coming over and wrapping an arm around Ruby’s shoulders, making the demigirl smile.

“Yeah, you’re depriving us by hiding those sexy calves!”

Jaune scoffed. “Ruby has a thing for calf muscles. Take a note of that, Weiss.”

Weiss stuck out a paint-covered leg. “Already knew that. She wrote ‘hottie’ on the back of my leg of all places.”

“It’s the first thing that comes to mind when I look at your legs,” Ruby muttered, blushing and fidgeting with her fingers.

Jaune turned towards them and sighed, resting his hands on his hips. “Well, are we ready to go?”

“Oh no, mister. You’re not getting out of this,” Ruby said threateningly, holding up several face paint markers.

“Oh no...”

“Weiss, hold him down if necessary.”

Weiss nodded, slowly approaching him. “On it.”

“No—!”

[augment-techs]

Go Go Power Rangers comics: Billy & Skull headcanons

Billy Cranston: -Autistic Queer: Gay -mentally gifted, but suffers from intrusive thoughts more than he lets on -probably won’t be very tall when he reaches adulthood -burns like a marshmallow in the summer months -has freckles, but they’re all on his back hiding beneath his shirt -is the only person in Angel Grove that can call Skull Eugene without repercussions--which would miff Bulk more if he ever actually happened to be around when he says it -can play the harmonica really, really well -hates mint toothpaste and has to order ethical strawberry or banana flavored brands online--one time his favorite brand was out and he had to go buy cinnamon flavor at the store like a heathen -was genuinely terrified for his life when he realized he had a crush on Skull and didn’t know what being gay meant when they were eleven; he just thought he was disgusting thinking about his best friend like the way Disney princes probably thought about princesses and started pushing Skull away without talking to him about it -when his mom and dad finally realized what was going on, they had a long talk with Billy about sexuality and identity and that this sort of thing was nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people developed crushes on their friends--but by then it was too late -has had a crush on Zack and Tommy, but Jason never really hit the mark in that department--though he suspects that’s because Jason’s always treated him like a kid brother more than anything else--even though he’s fully aware how hot Jason is -will fight tooth and nail against Rita and Zedd, but feels mostly pity for their underlings--especially Squatt, though he can’t think why -once absently drew a picture of Trini’s future wedding dress and was so embarrassed when she saw it that he didn’t even hear her say it was exactly what she’d always imagined, “Can I keep it?” -sill has the pair of stud earrings Skull gave him when they were nine that he promised he’d get pierced for one day; they’re sitting in a velvet box in the far corner of the top drawer of his desk at his makeshift lab at home

Eugene “Skull” Skullovitch: -Autistic Queer: Pansexual-Demiromantic -mellow, but can suffer extreme sensory overload when stressed -wears that leather with all the spikes FOR A REASON -hates his father/loves his mom -avoids talking about his brother because the man was committed when he tossed Skull off of a six story walk up for undisclosed reasons -doesn’t just play piano; give him any instrument and he’ll figure it out and be playing like a pro in under an hour. Piano just happens to be one of the few instruments he likes touching -is basically the reason why Bulk became an even half-way decent human being when they met after Billy started pulling away in middle school -used to get the worst anxiety and panic attacks that only Billy could snap him out of, but when they entered high school he traded those in for random bouts of clinical depression he takes medication for -has not been to gym class in years and, honestly, maybe that’s for the best since he’s not aware that he’d look a little bit like Danny Zuko from Grease trying out for track  -would look good in basically anything; he knows this because he has skirts and heels in his closet he wears at home that Bulk confirmed made his legs look nice -would never have kissed Kim even if it wasn’t glaringly obvious that she was using him to get over Matt -can’t look at raw meat for more than a few seconds -would probably make a very good red ranger if forced into a corner, but also probably would get an anxiety attack at the feeling of the suit and everything that came with it -flirts with all the girls in his high school, but would be terrible in a long-term relationship with them, because while he finds them attractive, he can’t really figure out what comes next and overthinks everything -would love to go out with a guy--but they’d have to ask him out -the triceratops zord is his favorite

[bisluthq]

hi nat! i know you don’t believe in kaylor anymore, but i wanted to send in my kaylor/joshlie theory, just as food for thought and fun speculation.

CW: ED

background:

back in 2017, i made a new friend. i quickly became kinda obsessed with her. i idolized how tall and skinny she was, her radiant sunshine-like presence, and the way she was so much cooler than me. something about her just drew me in like a magnet.

one day she told me that she was “bi-curious,” and i felt the unexplainable urge to tell her that i was queer too—so i did.

thus started our intense homoerotic friendship. we talked about everything, and she was rather touchy and flirty with me (we even hooked up a few times). but she was hung up on this dude who she’d been in a long-term off-and-on relationship with. looking back, i think she saw me as a willing participant in her experimentation phase—a source of casual fun while on a break from her ‘real’ relationship (plus, i came with the added bonus of helping her figure out her sexuality a bit).

meanwhile, i was serious about us because i was in love with her. as such, the relationship was obviously very unhealthy: neither of us had appropriate expectations of the other, and because of the imbalance in our level of commitment/love, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of my friendship in ways that only increased my obsession with her. naturally, our friendship eventually imploded.

i think the kaylor story may look similar.

my theory on kaylor:

i think that kaylor had a very similar friendship as me and my friend. their connection obviously started out as pr, but they ended up getting along well and bonded. thus started their genuine friendship.

i think that their eating disorders were likely a strong source of bonding/connection for them, as this was the case for me and my friend as well. i wanted to emulate how skinny my friend was, just how i think taylor wanted to emulate how skinny karlie was. (remember the vogue best best friends video, in which taylor complemented karlie’s “shiny abs.”) this is obviously an unhealthy place to start a friendship: from day one, you are on uneven ground, where one person is essentially worshipping the other and seeing them as a god-like figure to emulate.

imagine that taylor in that sort of mindset with karlie. and on top of that, she’s attracted to karlie—obsessed with her skinny body, her sunshine-like personality, how sophisticated she is, how effortlessly successful she is, etc. she develops an infatuation with karlie. she wants to take karlie to big sur with her and play 1989 on the way, and she’s so obsessed with karlie that she wants to tell her the truth about the 1989 muse. (trust me, it’s feasible—i told my friend shit i’d never have even imagined confessing to another human, all because of how infatuated with her i was.) so taylor and karlie sit down, have an intensely emotional conversation about how taylor is bi, how the pressures of staying closeted gut her every day, how her relationship with the 1989 muse dianna was so full of strife due to closeting, etc. /// or maybe taylor feels that she must disclose her bisexuality to karlie before the big sur trip. she’s terrified that if she doesn’t tell karlie she’s bi, then karlie will somehow find out. and taylor’s afraid that then, karlie will be creeped out that a ~predatory lesbian~ invited her on a three-month sleepover, leading to the demise of their friendship. so taylor must avoid that outcome – so she must come out to karlie.

so, for either reason i described, taylor comes out to karlie. considering how scared taylor is to come out to karlie (since it might ruin their friendship, or karlie might maliciously out her to others now that she knows, etc.) and considering how generally poor taylor’s mental health was at the time, the coming out inevitably evolves into an intensely emotional conversation about taylor’s fears, insecurities, the pressures of being a closeted mega-celebrity, etc. perhaps karlie feels compelled to match the level of emotion and vulnerability, motivating her to tell taylor “i’m questioning if i might be a little bi too.” or perhaps taylor’s level of earnestness and rawness stirs up the illusion of intense emotions inside of karlie. so, karlie “comes out” to taylor – confessing that she’s questioning/bi-curious (for context, i think karlie is kinsey 1). /// (to show the validity of this possibility – this is how evangelical churches, such as the one shown in the 2006 documentary “jesus camp”, are able to convince children that they’re being overcome by the holy spirit, being prompted by god to break down in tears, etc. – psychologically speaking, when people are put into highly intense emotional situations, [such as taylor breaking down while coming out to karlie], their brains will feel inadvertent pressure to match the level of emotion. as such, their brains will either exacerbate existing relevant emotions, or create the illusion of relevant strong emotions. [this is probably especially true for karlie, since she is an empath and a people pleaser.]).

thus starts the “friends with occasional benefits” stage. karlie views the relationship as something casual, something that gal pals do sometimes, something fun to experiment with while she and josh are on a break, and maybe with the added bonus of helping her figure out if she’s actually a little bit queer.

but taylor falls hard. as i already said, i think taylor was infatuated with karlie’s personality, success, and skinniness. that’s why taylor is willing to engage in such an unhealthy and un-reciprocal relationship: she’s willing to tolerate josh’s presence, because her brain is so fixated on karlie that she’s willing to endure anything for her. taylor may even recognize that kaylor is doomed, but she’s so in love/obsessed that she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the utter infatuation she feels in this present moment. (this was true of me and my friend – my friend would literally vent to me about her long-term on-again-off-again boyfriend, and i was willing to endure it because of how obsessed with her i was.) or maybe taylor’s somewhat in denial about josh. (this was also true of me and my friend – i had such a hard time conceptualizing that she had feelings for the man that my brain, to some extent, refused to fully grasp the reality of that.) or maybe taylor was even in denial about how intensely she loved karlie, convincing herself that she just really valued her platonic friendship (i also did this – it took me months to admit that i had a crush on my friend and admit that my level of obsession wasn’t normal gal pal behavior – even though i was already out to myself.) also keep in mind the eating disorder dynamic here – taylor looked to karlie as an idol regarding how to eat healthy, exercise, be skinny, and be successful. the mindset of people engaged in eating disorders tends to be obsessive and unhealthy to the extent of being willing to ignore reality / unknowingly refusing to accept reality, possibly including the reality of josh, if taylor feels like her skinniness is dependent on her connection with karlie.

so basically, karlie sees this as a gal pal fling, friends with the occasional casual benefit. taylor, conversely, is infatuated with karlie. one thing that really confirms this for me is kissgate. taylor was liking kaylor shipped tumblr posts shortly before kissgate – she obviously was feeling something for karlie that night. but karlie wasn’t committed to taylor to the same level – yes they (allegedly) made out, but karlie made out with josh immediately afterwards. /// to taylor, kaylor is a ship, an endgame. but to karlie, taylor is just a fun little pit stop, and she’s gonna go make out with her real boyfie immediately after.

eventually, the friendship inevitably implodes, leading to their breakup in 2016. some straw finally breaks the camel’s back on this relationship which was unhealthy and doomed from day 1.

now let’s look at lyrical evidence from repuation that supports my theory.

lyrical evidence from reputation:

ready for it

the bearding anthem. verses “he” are joe, as confirmed by the music video. chorus “you” is her fantasy idealized version of long-term kaylor.

there’s a reason that the “you” relationship (in the chorus) is happening IN HER DREAMS and not in real life – she pines for this committed and serious relationship with karlie, but that’s not reality.

but taylor has hope that it might happen – “i know i’m gonna be with you, so I TAKE MY TIME.” she imagines they’ll be friends-to-lovers, and she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage

this is a stretch, but “thief”/“robber” may refer to how she’s “stealing” karlie from josh lol. “touch me and you’ll never be alone” may also be a cheeky reference how taylor was like a temporary placeholder for josh – when karlie felt alone bc she and josh were on a break, taylor was like “touch me karlie, to keep you occupied while josh has left you alone. and oh yeah, if you end up in a relationship with me, then i promise that you’ll never be alone, bc i will commit to you, unlike that josh boy. i will be so much better than him, if you just let me.”

end game (but only the chorus/verse which taylor wrote)

“i WANNA be your endgame” – taylor is not in a committed relationship with karlie. as karlie sees it, they’re just fooling around. but taylor wants more than that: she wants to be karlie’s endgame.  

“you and me would be a big conversation” bc they’re gay. (sorry joseph matthew alwyn, this line is not about you)

“i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” may be a reference to how karlie is gal pals with plenty of her female friends (example – her platonic yet very affectionate relationship with toni garrn). but taylor wants more than that – she wants their touches to be romantic rather than just platonic/occasionally casually sexual.

“i don’t wanna hurt you” – taylor fears that she’s bad news for karlie (a sentiment repeated in the first line of delicate, the bridge of i did something bad, etc.). this may be internalized homophobia – the predatory lesbian falls in love with her pure/innocent straight best friend and then corrupts her with homosexuality.

“but i ain’t tryna play” – taylor wants this relationship to be more than just the occasional fun/playful/casual hook up. she wants to be karlie’s end game.

“i hit you like ‘bang’, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t” may refer to the first time they hooked up. it was unexpected, just happened so suddenly (“like ‘bang’”). and they were just going to put it past them – sometimes friends hook up, it’s whatever. but taylor can’t move on from it.

“your body is gold” – self-explanatory. karlie is the gold rush girl, after all.

“you’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks” reminds me of how i used to try to communicate my seriousness/love to my friend, but she’d laugh it off and assume i was joking. conversely, perhaps the “trick” is that taylor is pretending that she’s not super invested in karlie—maybe karlie is catching on to the fact that taylor is infatuated with her in a ~gay way~. taylor denies it, but karlie calls her bluff on that statement.

“here’s the truth from my red lips” – but in the music video, her lips aren’t red when she says this line. this may allude to all of the lying involved in her relationship with karlie (such as lying about just how in love with karlie she really was). or taylor may have her lips a different color because the truth has changed from the time she wrote this song to the time she’s filming the video – when she wrote this song, it was true that she wanted to be karlie’s endgame. but by the time rep era is here and they’re filming this video, the kaylor friendship is over, and it is no longer true that taylor wants to be karlie’s endgame.

i did something bad

just like in “ready for it”, i think the verses primarily refer to bearding (or maybe calvin/kimye, idk), but the chorus is about karlie.

“they say did something bad / then why’s it feel so good” – it is bad that she slept with karlie despite the fact that karlie is in a complicated long term relationship with josh. but the sex felt good ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

“and i’d do it over and over and over again / IF I COULD” – this implies that taylor only did ~the bad thing~ a few times, and she was unable to do it more times, even though she wanted to. this lines up with my theory that she and karlie hooked up a few times (casually in karlie’s eyes), but taylor wanted it to be more than just a few times (she wanted to be karlie’s endgame). but they couldn’t get to that committed place of routinely having sex bc karlie was still low key hung up on josh.

this is a very unlikely reach but – “he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” – “he” might be josh speaking to karlie about their relationship.

in the bridge, taylor says that she is a witch being unjustly burned. the witch is burned because she is being accused of the sin of dark magic – this parallels josh accusing taylor of being a witch who committed the sin of sleeping with his girlfriend, or maybe even the sin of “corrupting” the pure straight girl karlie. furthermore, the bridge invokes religious imagery of purgatory. and tbh, religious imagery is almost always gay xoxo.

don’t blame me

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy” again implies that taylor has committed a sort of ~crime~, such as the ~crimes~ i just mentioned regarding the don’t blame me bridge.

“my drug is my baby” – the drug reference makes me think of dependency. the obsession and infatuation i experienced with my friend (and that i suspect taylor experienced with karlie) is sort of like a drug dependency – and just like a drug dependency, the need for each other is not reciprocal (the drug does not need you back).

“shaking, pacing, i just need you” implies that taylor does not have “you”, which is consistent with my theory that she wanted kaylor to be endgame whereas karlie was only willing to doing occasional gal pal hook ups.

“for you, i would cross the line” / “they say she’s gone too far this time” – sleeping with josh kushner’s ~innocent straight~ girlfriend certainly crosses a line, lol.

“i would waste my time” – as i mentioned in my ready for it analysis, taylor hopes that kaylor be friends-to-lovers. she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage, even though she recognizes that the relationship is doomed and thus a waste of time.

“my name is whatever you decide” – we don’t have to “girlfriends.” we can just be “friends with benefits” or “gal pals” or whatever name you decide, because i am so desperate to have you at all that i will accept you in any form.

“i’m insane, but i’m your baby” – acknowledging that this unhealthy relationship/infatuation she has with karlie is “insane”

“halo hiding my OBSESSION” – “obsession” (!!!!) (that’s what i’ve been saying kaylor was!!!). also, “halo” is a religious metaphor, and religious metaphors are always gay xoxo. and this is a reach, but as a victoria’s secret angel, karlie wears a halo.

“i once was poison ivy, but now i’m your daisy” – i’m sorry, but i’ll never get over the fact that karlie tagged the daisy as taylor, and then taylor drew a picture of a daisy in an identical position above the word “daisy” in the handwritten lyrics.

“for you, i would fall from grace / just to touch your face” – religious metaphors are gay xoxo!

delicate – unsure if this song is about karlie (i think it’s more likely about lily or even joe), but if it is about karlie, it does align well with my kaylor theory.

“this ain’t for the best” – doomed relationship due to josh, corruption of straight girl, karlie won’t commit, etc.

“we can’t make / any promises” – karlie can’t commit to taylor like taylor wants/needs

“is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? cuz i know that it’s delicate” – is it cool that i have gay feelings for you, bestie, because i know we’re toeing a very delicate line between friends and lovers?

“third floor on the west side” – iirc, the master bedroom of karlie’s west side apartment was on the third floor

“do the girls back home touch you like i do?” – contrasting platonic girls’ touches to the type of touch taylor is giving her. (similar vibe to “i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” in end game)

“stay here, honey, I DON’T WANNA SHARE” – i don’t wanna share you with josh

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” – implies that karlie is not hers all the time (because she’s josh’s)

“i like you …… i want you” – taylor is Yearning™ for a deeper/more serious relationship with karlie

look what you made me do

i don’t think this song has much substance, but it may draw on themes/emotions from the kaylor friendship break up.

“i don’t like your games” – i don’t like how you led me on, making me feel like we could be forever when, in reality, you were never going to commit to me because you loved josh

“don’t like your tilted stage” – this reminds me of the power imbalance i mentioned earlier: taylor was obsessed with karlie and idolized her. karlie did not reciprocate this dedication and infatuation. because taylor’s love for karlie is so much more intense than karlie’s love for her, the metaphorical scale is imbalanced, making it tilt.  

“the role you made me play, of the fool” – you made me out to be a fool, ready to confess my undying love even though you could never reciprocate. // furthermore, the “role” may refer to how they had to act like platonic girl squad besties as per their pr arrangement (reminds me of how karlie publicly said “taylor and i are still besties” after karlie’s name wasn’t on the junior jewels shirt in the lwymmd mv, how karlie promo-ed the “Me!” filter on Instagram, the song closure, etc.)

“your perfect crime” – the crime of sleeping with taylor despite being low key still with josh

“i got smarter” – i began to realize how unhealthy this warped and imbalanced friendship was

“you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out and threw a feast” – this may refer to karlie had a ~designated bestie sleepover room~ in taylor’s house, and that enty blind about how karlie used taylor’s credit card and that caused a feud lol

i do not think that “so it goes” is about karlie – it’s too reciprocal. i don’t think gorgeous is about karlie specifically – maybe lily or just women in general. and i agree with andy’s theory that getaway car is more so an exercise in storytelling than a song that contains substantive clues about her relationships.

king of my heart

we have the photos showing that taylor wrote/recorded this after facetiming with karlie to watch the sunset together. taylor wrote this right after that romantic coded date, presumably during a high point of their friendship/relationship – as such, this song is more idealistic than most other kaylor songs. taylor is hopeful about the future of a committed endgame kaylor. (but, we’ll also see that taylor does still have some insecurities about kaylor.)

“now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes” – karlie is just “trying on” calling her baby. karlie is new to this whole wlw thing, and she won’t be wearing these metaphorical clothes (a wlw relationship) for long – she’s just trying them on. furthermore, “trying on clothes” may reference how karlie is a model.

“salute to me, i’m your american queen” – i think i remember from my ttb days (derogatory) that there’s a video clip of karlie calling taylor “the perfect all-american girl” whilst doing a salute.

“you move to me like a motown beat” may reference the “motown beats” instagram post where kaylor are putting on lipstick together

the fact that taylor includes the line “all the boys and their expensive cars … never took me quite where you do” may be a sign of taylor’s insecurity. i think this may be a message to karlie – ‘yes, josh is a rich boy with expensive cars, but look, we are so much better than joshlie is.’ calling josh a mere “boy” is also a funny little insult – he’s not a man, he’s just some silly little boy who can’t satisfy you like i can.

“body and soul” – i think it might be significant that taylor specifies body AND soul. they’re already connected by the soul through their close friendship – but now they’re connecting sexually with their bodies as well. conversely, this could reference how they’ve already connected bodily through casual gal pal hook ups, but now taylor believes that they’re starting to connect on that romantic soul level as well.

“school girl crush” gives me such unreciprocated crush vibes. maybe taylor’s crush was unreciprocated for a while, but she has reason to believe that their relationship is growing into ~more than just friends~, as she’s desired

“drinking beer out of plastic cups” – knicks game

“say you fancy me, not fancy stuff” – “fancy” could just be straight-bait to make swiftwyn beards look more convincing, or it could be a re-dedication of the song to joe (just how the bridge of dress re-dedicated that song to joe). (for context, i believe in swiftwyn beards-to-lovers.) but what’s important here is that “fancying stuff” made me think of how, as a model, karlie is like madona’s Material Girl. rich boy josh with his fancy cars can give karlie more “stuff” to satisfy her inner material girl, but taylor wants to show karlie that she can give her deeper fulfillment than that.

“this is enough” – this might be taylor reassuring herself that their relationship, despite being in a weird ~gal pals who hook up occassionally~ is enough. even though they’re not ~girlfriends~, the relationship is enough, because taylor believes that they’re working their way towards that ~body and soul endgame wives~ type of relationship.

“all at once” may refer to a seemingly sudden shift in the nature of their relationship – one day, they’re (infuriatingly) just gal pals who hook up, but all of a sudden, taylor has reason to believe/hope that maybe they’re starting to be more than that, maybe inching their way towards endgame territory.

i do not think that dancing with our hands tied is necessarily about karlie. it seems too reciprocal to be just about her; it might be an amalgamation of many relationships and how she frequently fears being outed.

dress

“a golden tattoo” – drake’s party. also, karlie is gold rush girl

“all of this silence, pining and anticipation / my hands are shaking from holding back from you / all of this silence, pining and desperately waiting” – once again implies that taylor does not have karlie the way she wants her. there’s “pining” because she wants more than karlie can give. and taylor is “desperately waiting” in hopes that maybe one day karlie will reciprocate her love to the full extent that she desires

“i don’t want you like a best friend” – self-explanatory

“carve your name into my bedpost” – taylor is making a request – ‘please commit, please leave a sign that you are committed to me forever, please be my endgame.’ note the dichotomy between this plea for karlie to take the initiative to make the carving, versus the statement in the first verse of how karlie inadvertently left “an indentation in the shape of” her. the indentation was not an act of karlie’s chosen will – taylor just so happened to fall in love with her, and now she’s asking karlie to reciprocate by making that carving.

“inescapable, i’m not even gonna try” – taylor is resigned to the fact that she’s fallen for karlie, even though the relationship might be doomed (as the next line demonstrates)

“if I get burned, at least we were electrified” – taylor is acknowledging that this relationship is low key doomed, and if anyone is going to get hurt, it’ll be taylor. taylor will be the one getting “burned” by the intensity of her infatuation, whereas karlie won’t be burned because she never reciprocated that intense love. /// going back to my commentary on “carve your name into my bedpost” – note how taylor frequently references karlie “claiming” her (with “marks”, “indentations”, “carvings”, and now “burns”), whereas taylor never states that she’s claimed karlie in any way. i think this may reflect taylor’s recognition that she has fallen much harder for karlie than karlie has for her. karlie does not bear marks, indentations, carvings, or burns from their relationship, because she was never as committed as taylor was. but taylor bears all those things because it is she who fell so hard for karlie.  

“you kiss my face and we’re both drunk” reminds me of that trope where the gal pals only make out when they’re drunk because they’re convinced they’re actually straight. maybe karlie is one of those straight girls who only has so much capacity for wlw sex, meaning that it happens more often when she’s drunk than when sober.

i do not think that “this is why we can’t have nice things” is a direct karlie song. it may indirectly reference how karlie “broke” the “nice thing” that was their relationship by refusing to commit, but i don’t think that the song has anything substantive to show us about kaylor.

i’m not sure if i think “call it what you want” is a kaylor song. on some level, “fit like a daydream” does sound like eating disorder taylor idolizing karlie’s body, and it’s interesting to me how the subject of the song expresses virtually no devotion to taylor, whereas taylor spends the whole song telling the subject “call it what you want – call us girlfriends, gal pals, whatever you want as long as i can keep you.” this reminds me a bit of kaylor.

new year’s day

“don’t read the last page” because i know that this book has a sad ending. this relationship is doomed, and it’s going to end poorly. but let’s put that out of our minds – i’m to infatuated with you in this moment to think about how this will inevitably end.

“i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” – when karlie is “lost” (leaving taylor to go back to josh) or “turning away” from taylor to go back to josh, taylor stays. she’s scared that she’s going to lose karlie, but she’s still going to stay, because she’s willing to “waste her time” (don’t blame me) waiting for karlie to choose her.

“i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” – taylor is willing to stay through the mess of their imbalanced and un-reciprocal relationship even when that inevitably gets hard. their relationship is “wrong” because karlie is josh’s, and maybe kaylor was a mistake because of joshlie, but taylor doesn’t care – she loves karlie too much, so she’s going to stay and wait for karlie to choose her.

“i WANT your midnights” – implying that taylor does not currently have them, because karlie is not reciprocating the level of love taylor is giving and wants in return.

“hold on to the memories” implies that this relationship will be ending soon (because it is doomed), leaving karlie only memories to hold onto.

“i will hold onto you” – this goes back to the theme of taylor’s obsession. karlie is her drug – she’s addicted to her, and she will “waste her time” eternally waiting for karlie to choose her because she’s that obsessed with her.

“please don’t ever become a stranger” – why is taylor worrying about this? because the relationship is doomed, and becoming strangers feels like this horrible yet inevitable ending that will be a part of “the last page”

thanks for reading, and sorry about any typos!

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

SUBMISSION

I found this as part of my Insta ask era but let’s look over this for thoughts. Haven’t read it yet but I know anon was stressed it got lost (it did because y’all talk too much but also don’t stop I love it).

[arielmagicesi]

Normally I wouldn’t post a huge unedited deeply personal excerpt from a first draft of something very new and tentative, but I’m having murderous emotions about the coalition of dickweeds on this very Internet that poisoned my head with notions about What It Means To Be a Real Lesbian, and are continuing to hurt others with their “the right kind of way to have a sexuality” bullshit, and I’ve been writing a book about that trauma (in the form of magical shenanigans of course) and I am tempted to ... yeah fuck it, big ol’ Trigger Warning for under the readmore. i want to share my personal writing. it is shit though because it’s a first draft

After therapy, she headed down the shore again. It was good to walk by the sea.

               There’d been a man screaming in the waiting room again. She hated that. Why couldn’t people leave the receptionist alone?

               Over the ocean, gulls swooped and honked. The sight of them filled her with such fierce longing that she had to brace herself against the metal fence lining the pathway.

               Robin wasn’t unaccustomed to longing. Unfulfilled desire was her spawning stream, the place in her soul she returned to again and again, even if she tried not to.

               It was why she’d gotten together with Rhiannon.

               She’d come out of the closet at age nineteen. In high school, she hadn’t had any friends, and she certainly hadn’t had any boyfriends. For a while, she’d thought it was because she was just inherently undesirable and ugly. Then she’d figured out that she was a lesbian, so that explained that. Right? Only after coming out, she still didn’t make friends, and she certainly didn’t get any girlfriends.

               According to the Internet and one particularly sarcastic girl at the queer voices club she’d gone to a few times, that meant that she wasn’t really a lesbian. She was just a pathetic loser who couldn’t get laid and claimed lesbian identity as an excuse. Real lesbians had tons of sex. Real lesbians weren’t little loser virgins who liked their little loser poetry and their little virgin loser magic bullshit.

               Of course, Robin was also accustomed to not being real. She’d known magic existed since she was born, and that wasn’t very real.

               She’d never had real friends. At best, she’d had people who copied off her homework.

               The realest thing she’d ever felt was that yawning, massive hunger to belong. To be real. To be part of something. God, did she want to be a real lesbian, so very badly.

               And she did think women were hot, and had zero sexual interest in men, and got crushes on girls left and right. She’d been over the moon for one of the girls who’d copied off her homework in high school. She masturbated a lot to fan fiction about the different women in Doctor Who. (That was another pathetic virgin loser thing that real lesbians didn’t do.)

               It was in this very ocean that she’d tried to kill herself after two years had gone by from the point of her coming out and she still hadn’t gotten that precious gem that would make her a real lesbian: any goddamn experience with a woman.

               Amy had asked her about that today, the suicide attempt she’d made the year she turned twenty-one. When she’d climbed up to a cliff overlooking the Atlantic and stared down into its icy December depths, the hunger to jump swallowing her up.

               Robin had explained very patiently that she had been out of the closet for two years and still not gotten a girlfriend. This was grounds for suicide. It made perfect fucking sense to her.

               It had not, apparently, made sense to Amy.

               “Why was getting a girlfriend so important?” she’d asked.

               “Because real lesbians get girlfriends the second they come out of the closet.”

               “Assuming that’s true, which is a big assumption. Why is being a real lesbian so important?”

               “It’s not just.” Robin’s hands had shaken with frustration. “It’s not just being a real lesbian. It’s being a real human. Real humans have sex and girlfriends. Or, like- I’m not- like, if they want them, they have them. I’m not talking about asexual people or whoever. I mean, most people, if they want romance, they just! Poof! Get it! They just get it without even trying.”

               “That’s not true. Dating is hard for most people.”

               “Not as hard as it is for me. Most people had tons and tons and tons of experience before they even graduated high school. At least compared to me, who had nothing. I don’t think you understand how nothing my experience was. Like, nothing, nothing. No holding hands- no one even had a crush on me. Don’t,” she said, as Amy opened her mouth, “tell me that I can’t know that for sure. It was pretty obvious.”

               “OK,” Amy said. “So, first of all, I think you may be catastrophizing this a bit. Other people have other experiences. You’re not the only person who was a virgin at twenty-one-”

               “Not just a virgin. No experience.”

               “No experience at twenty-one, sure. You’re not the only person. There’s seven billion people on earth.”

               She’d heard this from her mom and from the therapist she’d seen at school. It was a tired refrain. It didn’t change the fact that she, specifically, had had to have sex with a woman as fast as possible, or else she was worthless.

               And then she’d met Rhiannon.

               Looking back, Rhiannon was not the goddess of beauty that Robin had made her out to be. She was pretty: skinny and pale and blonde, which was not necessarily Robin’s exact type, but certainly beautiful in a minimalist Scandinavian model sort of way. She had a funny dark sense of humor, which Robin appreciated, and she saw the world in a slightly off-kilter way- like she’d only ever read books about real life, and was experiencing it now for the first time. Robin liked that.

               But none of that really mattered. What mattered was that she’d asked Robin out. The relief that had flooded Robin’s system when Rhiannon had asked her out was better than any orgasm that the all-important lesbian sex would give her.

               Which it didn’t. More proof of being a fake lesbian- she occasionally had to fake orgasms with Rhiannon.

               Surely if she had just tried harder- had given in more- had let Rhiannon take more and more and more and eat away at her until she was just a shell of her former self- She’d have become a real lesbian. A real person. Beloved and wanted. A part of something.

               Please.

                Amy was never going to get that. Amy had a picture on her desk of herself, her husband, and their two kids on a ski trip. She was normal. She did not understand freaks like Robin.

               Sometimes, even now, when Robin had gotten to the point that she admitted- she admitted that Rhiannon had hurt her. That Rhiannon was a bad girlfriend. That it was a bad relationship.

               Sometimes, despite all that, Robin-

               Not sometimes. All the time.

               If you were to ask Robin now, she wouldn’t go back and change anything. Because despite all the horror and pain and the destruction, at least she wasn’t a virgin anymore. And that was all that mattered.

[andhumanslovedstories]

Recent country songs that have made me literally gay gasp as a gay woman, in order of how much they make me want to write an essay on gender and queerness

HONORARY MENTION BUT JUST BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS TECHNICALLY AMERICANA NOT COUNTRY (but genre is fake) AND THIS SONG ISN’T RECENT (2014 and I’ve been listening to it faithfully since then) BUT I ONLY RECENTLY LEARNED IT’S A COVER AND THAT’S MADE ME RECONTEXTUALIZE IT: “Murder in the City” by Brandi Carlile, a cover of The Avett Brothers where she changed the words “make sure my sister knows I loved her/make sure my mother knows the same” to “make sure my wife knows that I love her/make sure my daughter knows the same” which fucking. fucking gets me. Especially since the first time that I heard this song, I assumed it was from a man’s point of view because of that line, and then I learned that Brandi Carlile is a lesbian and I was caught up in my foolish heteronormitivity, and then I learned it was a cover and thought oh okay I guess the song is originally from a man’s pov and it’s cool she covered, and then I learned she changed those lines to make a song that already feels deeply personal to her to explicitly include her love for a woman and the family they’ve made together. And that’s just. It’s all just a lot. 

3) “Fooled Around and Fell in Love” by Miranda Lambert featuring Maren Morris, Elle King, Ashley McBryde, Tenille Townes and Caylee Hammack, because the first time it came up on my spotify, I saw the title and was like “hey dope I like this song” and then I heard the first line was still “I must have been through about a million girls” and I realized none of the words or pronouns were getting changed and I was getting the song I’ve always wanted and deserved: a high production value, high energy, big girl group tribute to being a lesbian fuckboy who Fooled Around And, oops can you believe it, Fell in Love. 

2) “If She Ever Leaves Me” by The Highwomen, sung by Brandi Carlile who is, as mentioned, lesbian, but since I’m apparently still chugging my comp het juice, I was still trying to figure out if this song--a classic “hey buddy keep walking, she’s my girl and she’s not interested” song with an interesting element of the singer being aware the relationship might not last anyway--was gonna be explicitly queer. And then there’s the line, “That's too much cologne, she likes perfume,” and I was like OH HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! 

This is immediately followed by the lines “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve loved her out loud” which is also deliciously queer in this context, with this singer and that juxtaposition, but the line that really fucking got me is my favorite of the song: “If she ever leaves, it's gonna be for a woman with more time.” This is two women in a complicated relationship. This isn’t just a “keep walking, cowboy” song, it’s a song that uses that framework to suggest a whole ass “Finishing the Hat”** relationship, and that’s so interesting to me. Like a song that isn’t just explicitly about two women in love but one that conveys very quickly a rich history between the two of them. And in a genre where the line “Kiss lots of boys, kiss lots of girls if that’s something you’re into” was revolutionary representation.

(Fun fact, “Follow Your Arrow” was partially written by Brandy Clarke, another country lesbian! Another fun fact, so is basically every other good country song. Brandy Clark, please write a big lesbian country anthem, I know it will immediately kill me on impact.) 

To quote one youtube comment, “”lesbians how we feeling??” and to answer by quoting some others, “As a closeted baby gay in the 90s, who was into country, this song would have changed my life”, “I just teared up.  So many happy tears, as a gay woman raised on country music,  this is something that's definitely been needed.  Thank you Brandi. Thank you highwomen”, “This song means more than I can say in a youtube comment”, and “Lesbians needed this song :)”

It’s me. I’m lesbians. 

**ANOTHER HONORARY MENTION EXCEPT IT ISN’T RECENT AND IT ISN’T COUNTRY SO I GUESS THIS IS JUST A MENTION, BUT I AM INTERESTED IN THIS SONG--“Finishing the Hat” by Kelli O’Hara. A very good Sondheim joint, that’s about making art, the costs of its obsessive and exclusive nature and the incomparable pleasure of putting something into the world that wasn’t there before. It’s such a traditionally male narrative that I’m thrilled to find a wonderful female cover of it. I’m not even fussed about her changing the gender from the lover who won’t wait for the artist (except that the shift from “woman” to “one man” sounds so clunky) because there’s value turning this song into a lament of the men who won’t love artistic women. But I do also wish she’d also recorded a version that kept the original gender so it would be gay. OKAY BROADWAY TANGENT OVER, BACK TO COUNTRY. 

1) “Highwomen” by The Highwomen, ft. Yola and Sheryl Crow. I can’t even express the full body chills the first time I heard this. Like repeated, multiple chills renewed at every verse of the song. This really closely parallels my experience with “Fooled Around and Fell in Love” up there, because when I started it I was like “oh dope I know what this cover will be” and then the lyrics started and I was like “OH MY GOD I DIDN’T.” In the case of “Fooled Around” it’s because I was amazed that they kept the original words. In the case of “Highwomen” I fucking transcended because they changed them. 

So I grew up on Johnny Cash, obsessed with a couple of his albums but largely with a CD I had of his greatest hits. (Ask me how many times I listened to the shoeshine boy song. Hundreds. Johnny Cash told me to get rhythm and I got it.) And my FAVORITE was “Highwayman” from the country supergroup he was in, The Highwaymen. The concept of the song is that each of the four men sing a verse about a man from the past and how he died. It’s very good. The line “They buried me in that grey tomb that knows no sound” used to scare the shit out of me. I didn’t expect to have a song that targets so specifically my fear of being buried alive in wet concrete. 

(If you haven’t heard the song, by the way, listen to this version to properly appreciate it as a piece of music. If you have, watch the fucking music video holy shit this is a work of art oh my GOD.) 

So I was predisposed to love this cover before I even heard it. But then I heard it. And they rewrote the song to be about historical women. And it’s like. There’s layers here okay. 

Neither the Highwaymen nor the Highwomen are signing about famous people. This isn’t a Great Man tour of history, it’s about dam builders and sailors and preachers and mothers and Freedom Riders and also Johnny Cash who flies a starship across the universe, as you do. 

In the 1986 version, it’s a song about the continuity of life--the repeated idea is “I am still alive, I’m still here, I come back again and again in different forms.” The highwayman is all the men in the song. He reincarnates. The song is past, present, future. The title is singular, masculine. The same soul, expressed through multiple voices, multiple lives. 

In the 2019 version, the title is plural, feminine. Highwomen. This song is about women. Each verse asserts the same motif as the 1986 version--“I may not have survived but I am still alive”--but there is no implication of reincarnation. Each woman is her own woman. This version has a final verse that the previous versions lacks. The singers harmonize. It’s not a song where one voice replaces  another, the story of this One Man progressing through time. It ends in a chorus of women saying “We are still alive.” 

We are The Highwomen Singing stories still untold We carry the sons you can only hold We are the daughters of the silent generations You sent our hearts to die alone in foreign nations They may return to us as tiny drops of rain But we will still remain

And we'll come back again and again and again And again and again We'll come back again and again and again And again and again 

Another fun fact! The first time I heard them sing “We are the daughters of the silent generations” I died! But luckily I came back again and again and again.  

This is a song about the continuity of history. It asserts that women’s historical lives matter and that they continue to matter, long after they died. This is a song about legacy as well, the legacy of nameless women who worked to protect the ones they loved and make the world better. They don’t die by chance. They are all hunted down by political violence, by racism, by misogyny, for stepping outside their prescribed roles. But, as Yola (who btw fucking CRUSHES THE VOCALS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? HOLY SHIT MA’AM) sings as a murdered Freedom Rider, she’d take that ride again. And at the end of the song, she joins the chorus but does not disappear into it. Her voice rises up out of crowd. And the crowd calls itself “we”. These women are united but not subsumed into being One Woman. This is about Women. 

And then, outside the song itself, there’s the history of this song about history. It’s originally by Jimmy Webb and was covered by Glenn Campbell. This cover inspired the name of the supergroup that covered it, the group with Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, and my man Johnny Cash. And it’s like holy shit! What an amazing group to collaborate! Hot damn! 

Then, it’s 2019 and here’s The Highwomen with Brandi Carlile, Natalie Hemby, Maren Morris, and Amanda Shires. The name is obviously riffing on The Highwaymen. Shires set out to form the group in direct response to the lack of female country artists on the radio and at festivals. And they name themselves after a country supergroup, and they put out this song, a song connected to massive names in country music, and they center all of this on women and womanhood and the right of women to be counted in history and to make history and to talk about the ways we have mistreated and marginalized women, in a group that started because one woman was like hey! we’re mistreating and marginalizing women! 

I just think this is neat! I think there’s a lot here we could unpack! But this post is 100 times longer than I was planning and work starts in a bit so uh I’m gonna go get dressed and listen to The Highwomen on repeat for the next hour, “Heaven is a Honky Tonk” is another fucking bop that improves on the original, it would be dope if they’d collab with Rhiannon Giddens, okay byyyyyyyye 

[troop-scoop]

Mistakes & Regrets XVI

Summary: When a trip to your Dad’s hometown of Hawkins goes wrong, you end up in the year 1983, and have to learn how to cope with being stuck in the past.

Pairing: Steve Harrington / Future!Reader (like, a really slow burn)

Warnings: Swearing, 

• • • 

Anne placed a cup of coffee in front of you while you flipped through a magazine, ignoring the photo of Paris Hilton on the cover all the while, having never understood the fascination people had with her.

Looking up at the pink mug you looked at her, confused.

She picked up on the confusion and smiled a bit. “You can eat, drink and get full when you’re here.” She told you, gently scooting the mug towards you in an attempt to not scratch the polished wooden table. 

“I didn’t know that. . .” You told her, picking up the coffee and standing up. 

“Yeah. . . I haven’t told you everything about our abilities.” Anne shrugged a bit, sitting down across from your seat while you pulled the whipped cream from the fridge, walking back to the table. 

“Like?”

“They’re triggered by traumatic events.” She told you, making you stare at her blankly, not moving, as if you’d turned to stone. She gave a nod as if she’d expected your reaction before speaking again. “For me it was when I was two, my dad, sister and cousin died in a car crash when I was in the car with them. I recovered from the trauma when I was thirteen, and they just, went away. They came back a few years ago. I was born with them, we’re just like Eleven, and the others. We just need a little bit more of a push.” “What was mine?” You asked, crossing your arms after you’d put a bit of whipped cream into your coffee. 

Anne had figured out basically everything about you in the two years since you’d been born in her timeline. 

“You know exactly what your’s was.” 

You gave a sad smile and nodded a bit. How could you not? Being in the Upside Down was nothing if not traumatizing. When you choose to just sleep and not ‘Time Walk’ as Anne called it, you would still have nightmares about it. 

Opening your eyes, you could feel a weight on your shoulder. Turning your head a bit you saw Steve turning his own head so his forehead was against your neck, still asleep.

You offered for him to stay at your place for the night. Having never met his parents in person, you didn’t trust whatever lecture his father would have waiting when he arrived home late smelling faintly of alcohol and looking distraught. 

You also offered for him to sleep in your bed. It wasn’t weird, you were friends. But you quickly learned that while he knew the correct distance to keep when sleeping in the same bed as a friend, as soon as he was asleep, he tossed and turned until he had something to hold onto. 

Currently, you were that thing. 

He had an arm over your torso, gently holding onto your elbow while his head was against your shoulder. 

You didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It didn’t feel unnatural, like you were being held down by a sleeping teenager whose heart just got broken the previous night. It felt normal, like you’d done it before, even though you hadn’t.

Turning your head, you gently got him to let go of you and eased his head onto the pillow so you could get up.

Once on your feet you looked down at him and saw how tousled his hair was, even though you’d tried all night to get it to stay down and neat. But the tossing and turning probably didn’t help. 

But there was such a stark difference between how he was the night before, his cheeks red from tears, his eyelids irritated because he kept rubbing them to try and stop crying, the wrinkled blazer and black t-shirt. Now, he looked peaceful. Eyelashes brushing against his cheeks, his hair messy. It made him look like a little kid who had calmed down from a tantrum and quickly fallen asleep. 

It was cute. 

Not that you’d ever say that to his face. 

• • •

Days passed, and it seemed like there was a never ending pit of loneliness in the four large walls that made up your boxy apartment. It might as well be a studio. No, because you could make those look nice, a one bedroom apartment? Nearly impossible especially when the landlord wouldn’t let you take down the wall paper or board paneling that took up the bottom half of the walls. 

Who was it who watched Queer Eye in your house? Was it Pa or Dad? You couldn’t remember. But you learned plenty about home design and plenty of other things. This wasn’t a good look. And the carpet was terrible. The yellow themed kitchen would have been remodeled had it been Pa’s choice. 

But he wasn’t here, and you’d never be able to ask him all the questions you wanted to. That was your biggest regret, your last conversation with him being an argument in front of an entire restaurant with your dad and little brother watched, not knowing what to do. 

You hoped he wasn’t tearing himself apart over you being missing. You hoped he didn’t blame himself. But you knew he would be. 

The last thing you said to Pa was that you hated him, and that you hoped he rotted in hell. A statement that was harsh, even for a teenager who was angry. 

The last thing you told your dad was that you loved him, when you left the motel to go explore the town of Hawkins before the restaurant. And you were pretty sure you told your brother to ‘fuck off’ before you left. 

You always did have a better relationship with your dad. 

A knock came from the other side of your front door, and it had you on your feet from the little nest you’d made against the side of your couch. 

You’d given up on any precautions that your fathers had ingrained into you about being a girl. You rarely checked the back of your car when you got in, and went to the store late at night alone. You wore headphones while walking. You’d forget your pepper spray on those walks, and somehow, you were always fine. And the other precaution you’d given up on? Checking the peephole in the door when someone knocked. 

Opening the heavy wooden door, you came face to face with Steve, who stood awkwardly with Dustin next to him, who had his walkie talkie and headset on. 

“Oh this should be good.” You said with a teasing smile while Steve rolled his eyes and brushed past you into the apartment, with Dustin following shortly after.

Closing the door, you watched as Steve went to the living room closet. “What are you looking for?” 

Steve gave an unintelligible grumble as response. Dustin turned his head from looking at Steve while he rumaged through the closet. “The bat.” He clarified. 

“The one with the nails?” 

Dustin nodded. 

“Up in the crawlspace.”

Steve looked at you, confused “You put it in here when I gave it to you?”

You nodded a bit, mouth open a bit, inhaling the cold air that had been let into your apartment. “Yeah, newsflash, Steven, Hopper’s always visiting to make sure I’m not on hardcore drugs,” That part was a joke. “I had to hide it. It’s in the crawlspace.”

“Where the hell is a crawlspace in this apartment?” Steve demanded, getting ready to argue that you were just pulling his leg. 

“Above you, genius.” 

Steve looked up, the hair on his neck now on the collar of his jacket. “Oh.” He stepped onto your shelves and lifted up the opening, before jumping down with the bat, the nails scraping against the wood floor that was only in the closet and not anywhere else in the house.

“Dude!” you yelped seeing a new scratch in the floor.

“Calm down, I’ll fix it when I come back.” He told you, going to your bedroom. You had a terrible feeling about it. So you followed after him, with Dustin following you. 

“Steve, what’s going on?” You asked, watching as he dumped your school bag out onto your bed, grimacing at the crumbs that fell out too. “Steve?”

He looked up at you from the end of your bed, that was still technically a pullout. So really, you had two couches. His expression was soft, a face that was usually used when trying to calm people down, or make them feel safe. And because you knew that, it had the exact opposite effect. “Nothing, probably just a prank.” He told you in a soft voice. 

You shook your head, moving towards him, grabbing his arm. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.” He whispered to you. “I seriously think it’s a prank.” 

“You’re indulging in a thirteen year old’s prank? By bringing a weapon?” 

“Guys, we don’t have time for your flirting, let’s go!” Dustin shouted from the hall, even though he was close enough to just speak. 

But his words were enough to make you realize how close you’d gotten to your friend, and how you could make out which detergent his mother used on his clothes, and how they were freshly washed because they didn’t smell like a closet, or wooden drawers. 

“I’m coming with you.” You told them, heading to the dresser and pulling out a pair of jeans, pulling them on over your lounge shorts, before digging into another drawer,

“Y/n, I don’t think that’s a good idea- Holy shit, is that a gun!” You looked at Steve, holding the gun case that Hopper had given you, a small pistol inside of it. 

“Yeah.” You responded. “Let’s go. You told him, walking out of the bedroom. 

• • •

Peering into the rearview mirror you saw Dustin staring at the center console, while you sat next to Steve, holding the case in your lap, with your bookbag between your feet on the floorboard. The base of the bat against your knee. 

The heating and radio were on, so currently, you were warm and listening to Queen. 

“Wait a sec, how big?” Steve asked suddenly, quickly looking at Dustin, bringing up the thing you were pretty sure was just a lizard. 

You turned to look at Dustin, seeing him bring up his index and thumb, showing a certain size. “First it was like that.” Then he brought up his other hand, “Now he’s like this.”

“Hmm, terrifying.” You spoke, turning back around, 

“I swear to God, man, it’s just some little lizard, okay?” Steve gestured, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“It’s not a lizard.” Dustin corrected. 

“How do you know that?” You asked, turning back again. 

“How do I know it’s not a izard?” Dustin questioned, looking at you like you just insulted his entire family.

“You heard her, man, how do you know it’s not just a lizard?” Steve raised his voice a bit.

Dustin looked at the headrest of the driver’s seat.”Because his face opened up and he ate my cat.” 

Your eyes went wide, brows raised and mostly frozen in place while you turned to look at Steve who nodded while he pulled into Mrs. Henderson’s driveway.

Following the two males to the cellar, you were uncertain, not knowing if this was serious or not. If you should be worried about what Dustin was saying about whatever he’d put into his cellar. 

Steve pointed the flashlight to the red metal doors, a chain and lock keeping it closed. He held the bat in his other hand, just staring at the door. 

“I don’t hear shit.” He said finally. 

Rolling your eyes, you crossed your arms. “He’s in there.” Dustin confirmed, pointing to the doors. 

What were you supposed to say in this situation? Or even think, or feel? Other than uneasy? Like Steve, Dustin and you weren’t totally safe just standing in front of his house, down the stone path to the cellar. 

Steve tapped the door with the bat, and when nothing happened, he banged on it. Once again, nothing came to the doors. 

You covered your eyes when a bright light quickly brushed over your face before landing on Dustin’s. “All right, listen, kid. I swear, if this is some sort of Halloween prank, you’re dead.”

“Halloween was two days ago, dude.” You reminded. 

“It’s not.” Dustin confirmed, the flashlight still being shone in his face. 

“All right?” Steve asked again. 

“Steve, it’s not a prank, get the light out of his face.” You told your friend, bringing a hand to block to light from Dustin’s eyes. 

“You got a key for this thing?” 

• • •

Looking down in the cellar from where you were, you took a few steps closer, curiosity getting the best of you. “I’ll stay up here in case he tries to escape.” Dustin offered.

“I’ll go down there.” 

It was odd, because in these few moments, you felt like yourself for the first time in a long time. Not afraid of the dark cellar or what Dustin said was down there. Not caring if it was a mini Demagorgon. 

Steve looked at you, although you only looked down at the concrete that was lit up by the flashlight. “You’re not going down there.” 

Smiling a bit, you finally looked at Steve, who was squatted down next to you. “Why not?”

“Because there could be something down there.” He tried to reason with you, even though it was in vain because you walked forward, going down a step before he grabbed your arm, making you stop and look at him. 

“Y/n, please. I’ll go down there, you didn’t even grab the gun.”

Sighing, you looked at Dustin who shrugged a bit while you walked back up the step and let him go down instead. 

The fact that you actually owned a gun, was a bit disturbing. At least to you. After all, your dad refused to let Pa own one. Not wanting one in the house, but completely okay with you at least knowing how to shoot one. Thinking back on it, that was also strange. 

But what bothered you right now, was that you couldn’t go down with Steve. You didn’t like that he was down there alone with just a flashlight and baseball bat filled with nails. 

“You’re cold?” Dustin asked, grabbing your attention. You looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion. 

“What?”

He gestured to your arms that were covered in goosebumps, which was when you realized you walked out of your apartment in baggy jeans, and your favorite t-shirt, even though it was almost winter. 

“Guess so.” You shrugged a bit, your mind wandering back to Steve impatiently and worridly tapping your foot while looking down the stairs. “Steve, you good?” You asked, grabbing Dustin’s shoulder in a protective manner when Steve came into view at the bottom of the stairs, pointing his flashlight up at you two. 

“Get down here.” 

You were the first to come down the stairs, noticing what seemed to be a layer of wet skin that had been shed hanging off of the bat while you grabbed the sleeve of Steve’s jacket. 

“Oh shit.” Dustin mumbled seeing the skin, but you could feel the same reaction come on when Steve pointed his flashlight to the corner, revealing where Dustin’s ‘pet’ had broken through the stone wall and tunneled through the dirt like he was trying to get to China. 

“Holy shit.” You mumbled while Dustin shouted “Oh shit!” at the same time as you. 

“So you weren’t pulling a prank.” You spoke up, your grip on Steve getting a bit more firm while you looked at the hole. “We're so fucked.”

• • • 

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[thegayagenda-forkids]

Why Cami is important, and why we need more of her types of characters.

While everyone is watching the Cartero/Tennis Boyfriends storyline, as well as Elena’s story and Gabi’s story, I want to talk about the only openly gay character at the moment (Episode 7/8), Camilla, but to really get to talk about her, I have to dive a little bit into the history of gay characters in comedies.*

**I’m only including gay characters in comedies because otherwise my list would be too long to be able to dive into, and this post is going to be mostly about Cami.

So, the first openly gay character to appear on American TV is Steve, played by Phillip Carey in 1971 on “All in the Family.” He appeared for only one episode, but he opened the door back when being gay was taboo, and wrong, and he wasn’t killed onscreen or beaten up. In fact, he was played straight, in a way. Throughout the episode, the main character is speculating about several other men being gay, while Steve was described by that character to be “a real man’s man.” It’s at the end of the episode where Steve comes out to him, dismisses the rumors about the other men the main character suspected, and then he was never seen on TV again. And his appearance is so important because it challenged stereotypes of what gay men on TV were, and where it was appropriate to see these topics. He opened the door for more gay characters to show up.

However, it was a bit of a double-edged sword because for the next several years, the gay characters we saw were “very special episode” characters, approached the same way these characters would approach cancer, or drugs, or addiction. They were a sensitive topic people need to know about, the episode will be less funny to show the full gravity of the situation. But, gay people were seen on TV.

Slowly, people start accepting that gay people exist, and while they might not wish direct harm on them, the general attitude was still very anti-LGBT rights. So gay characters shifted on tv and they were no longer sensitive topics to approach, but a minor/recurring character who was overwhelmingly male, flamboyant, stereotyped to hell, and typically, the “Gay Best Friend.”

The true turning point, in my opinion, was Ellen DeGeneres on “Ellen.” She was the main character of her show, personally in the process of finding herself and coming out, and then deciding to have the character she played come out in a serious, but relatively humorous way. There was backlash, her show didn’t last much longer after that, and overall, she took a huge risk. But she started the first step of the process: character first, sexuality second. She wasn’t defined for being gay like every other person, with potentially the exception of Steve, was up to this point.

But Steve and Ellen served different purposes. Steve de-stigmatized the idea of gay people appearing on TV by only revealing he was gay at the end. He only appeared for one episode, let everyone see how throughout the episode, he was the opposite of gay men they built up in their mind, and then only let the hammer drop right before vanishing forever. Ellen went through four years of people getting to know her, she was the principal main character, and then she came out after. Steve allowed gay people to be shown more on TV, Ellen allowed us to get to know them.

Then around that time, let me just say this: “Friends” was pretty problematic with several issues like the character of Ross and how Chandler’s birth parent transitioning, but there was one thing that was pretty well handled and relatively holds up, and that’s Carol and Susan. Now, by no means was their portrayal and representation perfect, and Ross frequently made jokes revolving around the fact that his ex-wife was a lesbian, but they were never jokes about Carol being wrong or weird, but rather self-deprecating ones, and then the show went on to show them raising and co-parenting a young boy with Ross and they even had the first lesbian wedding on TV, and, at least in my memory, they were never sexualized, meaning that they weren’t created to be objects of mens’ desires, they were simply in love and trying to lead fulfilling lives with each other.

And now we go from the sidelines all the way front and center with the original airing (not the reboot) of “Will and Grace.” The main character was an openly gay man living with a straight woman, who had a gay and an ambiguous, but potentially, bisexual best friends (Jack and Karen). And boy, was this show the first of it’s kind. Will wasn’t portrayed as flamboyant and taking on a stereotypical job, but rather the respected position as a lawyer, owning a nice apartment, and him being gay was only used as a fact while he dated men throughout the show. People at the time earnestly believed Will and Grace would get together in the end by how un-stereotypical and “not gay” Will acted.

But acting as his foil was Jack, perhaps the most flamboyant character to ever grace TV screens. He was loud, overly dramatic, cared too much about his appearance, and his goal was to be an actor. And he wasn’t automatically Will’s boyfriend because he was also gay. He was Will’s closest friend, a confidant, and though he could be an asshole, Jack was true to himself, even if his true self was every gay stereotype shoved into one body while Will got to break those stereotypes by being a well developed and well rounded character.

From there, Gay characters are a mixed bag. Normally in tv shows marketed for people 16 and up, not for children, and typically as side characters. We get our Kurt Hummels, our Mitch and Cams, our Oscar Martinezes, and all these others. They’re occasionally the main character in a cast, most of the time the side characters, and they’re varied. They’re also more visible, and they’re popping up more and more. Now, I’m not even going to get into Brooklyn Nine-Nine in terms of Queer representation because I could go on for days about how they’ve got it, and go into the similar media and target audience.

I’m, of course, talking about “Good Luck Charlie.”

Now I know, I KNOW! It was one episode where there were two moms that showed up for a play date. But it was one of the first kids’ shows to show a gay couple, and by kids, I mean that it’s marketed for people under 16 as well. And it was also pretty well addressed. The parents are wondering how to separate the couple in order to hang out while their toddlers played at the same time as arguing over who was the child’s mother since they each only met one. And when they open the door to Cheryl and Susan, they greet them normally and the only acknowledgment that comes is the father hitting his head like he had forgotten a word and saying “Taylor has two moms,” simply settling the argument about who was Taylor’s mom. And the rest of the episode was just about the parents trying to make friends but being annoying people until Susan and Cheryl fake headaches to leave. The episode treated them not as a “Gay Couple,” but rather a couple who happened to be gay. Not even Modern Family 10 years after the pilot can act like that.

And I KNOW you guys are waiting for it: Cyrus Goodman and Thelonious Jagger Kippen. I bet if I were to take a poll right now of who’s Disney’s first openly gay character, at least 90% of people would say it’s Cyrus Goodman. He was developed as his own person first; this adorable, quirky boy who loved his two best friends more than anything and would get over-enthusiastic for anything they did or he decided to pursue, and he went through panic, then he came out to Buffy. It’s also impressive that for Disney’s first gay main character, they didn’t have him already self-assured that he’s gay, but rather figuring it out and terrified when he came out to Buffy. He was afraid of what she’d think of him, what she’d say, and how their friendship would continue, which I touch more on *here.* At the same time, T.J. is also developed from a bully and antagonist to one of Cyrus’s newest, closest friends. He faces homophobic microaggresions while developing feelings towards Cyrus until he finally finds the courage to confess and start something new at the last episode. The fact that T.J. didn’t come out as gay until the last episode does not diminish his worth as a gay character. He was groundbreaking too because he is the first gay love interest in a Disney Show (and I mean mutual, because otherwise, that title would go to Jonah Beck and I’m not sure he can be counted as canon anything).

And now everyone is focusing on Bobby and Liam on “Diary of a Future President,” which is what the writers are shooting for, but we cannot forget about Cami! She is a form of casual representation that we need more of in writing. There was no marketing for her by Disney as a gay character, and she portrays a realistic representation. She mentions her girlfriend, makes small comments like “you two are hetero goals,” and lets us glimpse into her life. And she doesn’t take over a room like Jack does, she’s there for Cami, and has a good relationship with her kids, as proven by Gabi trusting her to pick up Bobby and Liam from Jupiter. And then the significance of Cami freeing Bobby and Liam from a storage closet is something I touched on earlier *here*.

So why is Cami important? Because she is the casual representation we want and deserve! She’s not a big deal on the show, but she also not diminished. She doesn’t need to make headlines to be important. She’s real, and believable, and I’m hoping there’s more of her as well as characters like her. Casual representation is important too, and it’s important because she’s not the only queer character on the show, and the other queer person isn’t her love interest.

Hopefully I got my message across that Cami is the next step of queer characters in shows.

[night-dragon937]

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

[lyricfulloflight]

Random Encounters: Part 3

Part 1& 2:

 https://lyricfulloflight.tumblr.com/post/611328294123651072/random-encounter-part-2

Part 3

“I was starting to worry about you.”  Kitty looked at him from across her desk. “But then you sent me this manuscript...”

“You liked it?” Charles asked tentatively.

“I loved it.” Kitty smiled. “And I figured it explained why I hadn’t heard from you in three months.  You must have been huddle over your computer every day to produce something of this quality so quickly.”

“I… thank you. I may have sequestered myself slightly.”  Charles admitted, cheeks flushing.

“Well, I had to get you out of the house for this.”  Kitty grinned broadly. “I have excellent news. The novella you wrote – about the dancer and the business man – was picked up almost immediately. Freedom Press is interested in publishing it in a collection of modern gay erotic fiction.  But the novel, well we’ve had an offer – from Eisenhardt Publishing.”

“I wasn’t aware they published romantic fiction.”  Charles replied, puzzled.

As far as he could remember – and he had an excellent memory for publishers – Eisenhardt Publishing was known for promoting mostly non-fiction, with forays into fiction in the last decade, but only in the historic and literary genres.

“Apparently they’re expanding their horizons.  I received a notice several weeks ago that they’re interested in ‘Queer Fiction’.  I sent your manuscript in right away.  The regency setting wasn’t going to appeal to Freedom Press, they’re all about contemporary, modern settings, pushing the envelope and shocking readers.  Your manuscript – as wonderful as it is – is a departure for you and doesn’t fit their mandate.”

Charles frowned and looked down at his hands.

“I didn’t mean that as an insult, Charles.”  Kitty said softly. “You are an amazing writer.  You’re ability to write an erotic scene is second to none.  This latest novel is sexy as hell, but its romantic.  Its full of longing, overcoming barriers, and, well, love. It’s refreshing to see you try something different.  Eisenhardt Publishing clearly agrees.  We have a meeting with them two weeks from now.”

“They can’t just send an offer over?”  

“Have you become a recluse in the last few months?”  Kitty arched a brow. “They hinted they wanted to offer you a multiple book deal – you’re meeting with them in person.  Understood?”

“Yes, yes of course. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.  A multi-book deal is… I’m quite astounded.” Charles babbled out, excitement mixed with trepidation swirling in his belly.

“Good.  We’re meeting at their office, Thursday next week at 9:30am.  I’ll meet you there.”  

Charles promised he would be there, and made a mental noted to set his alarm and plan to arrive early (which tended to be the only way he ended up anywhere on time).  He paused at the door to give Kitty a wave goodbye, only to find he giving him a thorough once over.

“Maybe wear something more… youthful?”  She suggested.

Charles gave Kitty his best reassuring smile and scooted out of the office.

***

Charles sighed in relief when he reached his perfect little terraced house in Hampstead, collapsing in a heap onto his bed.

The past three months had been… trying to say the least.

All those months ago, he had had every intention of waking up on Monday morning and pathetically walking to the tube and hoping to see The Man again. He was half terrified at the prospect of encountering him again, now that it seemed The Man had noticed Charles.  But he couldn’t resist the chance to see him again.

Except on that glowing Monday morning, when the sun peaked in through his window, Charles hadn’t gotten out of bed.  He’d barely gotten out of bed for the rest of the week he was so sick.  A very aggressive strain of the flu had knocked him right out and he became so ill, his friend Moira had dragged him to the hospital after she’d stopped over for a visit and Charles couldn’t hold a coherent conversation.

He’d spent a couple days in the hospital, hooked up to monitors and being pumped full of fluids until he was finally coherent and keeping food down.  

When he’d gotten back home, all he’d wanted to do was write.  During his illness he’d been filled with  detailed dreams about The Man; always dressed in a waistcoat, perfectly gorgeous and staring at him with those steely eyes.

Oh, how Charles wanted him.  He wanted The Man above him, covering every inch of him with his lean body.  He wanted to slip his hand into The Man jeans and stroke his cock until he was hard and ready. He wanted to ride him, sinking down and taking every inch of him, straddling his lap so he could watch those mysterious eyes on him the whole time they fucked.

Charles knew it would never happen.  If he’d been unimpressive before his illness, he was even less so now.  When he’d returned from the hospital, his ribs had stuck out and he had somehow become even paler.  Moira had been so concerned she’d come over every other day for two weeks, bringing him take out, or cooking him meals.

Even Raven had stopped by, which was both a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because he seldom had the chance to see his sister and a curse because she’d wrung his secret out of him (he’d never been able to keep a thing from her), and then laughed uproariously at the very idea of Charles’ crush on a random man on the tube.

“It’s ridiculous Charles!  You’ve never even spoken to him!  He’s probably straight, or taken, or both.”  Raven had scoffed. “Your overactive imagination is impossible.  If you want a date, let me set you up or download a dating app!”

Charles had spent the rest of the night plying Raven with pizza and ice cream and distracting her by having a sing-a-long movie marathon to the Pitch Perfect movies, all in the name of deterring her from asking more about his crush or, god forbid, signing him up for a dating app.

He’d never bothered to take the morning tube into the city after that.

But then, he’d also written an entire novel in two months. One so good, a new publisher was interested in his work. He certainly couldn’t mope about after that bit of good news, could he?

Charles woke up bright and early on Thursday morning.  He showered and shaved and made a valiant effort to tame his unruly hair.  He stared into his closet and wish in vain that hip, modern and fashionable clothes might suddenly appear.  In the end, he settled on wearing a suit, but skipped the tie, hoping it might make him seem more… well, more like someone who could pull off a casually professionals vibe.

By 9:10am, he was pacing in front of the British Museum, clutching a travel mug of Earl Grey in his hand, wondering if he would arrive too early if he started walking to the Eisenhardt Publishing office just a few blocks away.

“Charles!” Charles turned to find Kitty hurrying across the street in his direction. “I cannot believe we managed to meet like this, but its absolutely perfect.  Walk with me.”  

Kitty linked her arm into his and they set off together.  Charles let Kitty talk excitedly and found himself easily swept away by her enthusiasm.  If they could make this deal happen today, it would be, by far, the biggest success of his career.  Kitty’s energy was contagious and Charles quickly found himself sitting in the waiting area at the Eisenhardt main office, smiling at Kitty as her knee bounced up and down rhythmically beside him.

In fact, Charles was beginning to feel quite positive about the upcoming meeting.  He could do this.  If anyone could talk with genuine passion about the novel it was him – the novel was (not that Charles would ever, ever tell a soul) basically a fantasy of his own creation where a bastard son of Duke, known for his wild ways and hatred of the peerage, feel in love in an unassuming, rule governed young man who’d unexpectedly inherited an Earldom after being groomed his whole life to join the clergy.  It was a story of opposites attract, of love overcoming all obstacles.  Charles had spent the last three months totally engrossed in the tale, surely he could sell the idea to someone else.

Walking with his head held high and his shoulders back, Charles was determined to put his best foot forward.  That determination lasted until he and Kitty waked into the office of the head editor and Charles laid eyes on the man standing behind the desk waiting to greet them.

It was him.

[johns-prince]

Ok so this is going to be a long post but I need someone to explain something to me. I'm a guy, I'm gay and recently I just started to get obsessed with The Beatles and John especially. Let's say I have a mad crush on the guy. I was pleased to hear thanks to some blogs like yours that he was an lgbtq ally, and there is a chance that the man of my life was also a bisexual ( strongly leaning on the male side if I read some of your blogs including yours ). But my adoration for the man has been ---

shattered since I've read on various Beatles forums that he was very homophobic and shit it hurts me to hear that. I know that he has beat up a guy for implying that he was gay, trashed a movie on homosexuality in front of everyone ( I think the movie was called Victim ), that he would openly mock his gay manager Brian Epstein ( bless him ), has called gay people nasty names during a 70s interview like AKOMP stated, that he made fun of a musician by kissing him then pushing him away and called - him a " faggot " and other incidents I can't think of right now. It just hurts a lot because I adore this man, I'm madly in love with him but I'm starting to believe that all this support for the our community had been nothing but a shtick for the " peace & love " propaganda he and Yoko started in the 70s. He also said in a interview w himself that " bisexuality is trendy " which makes me believe that I'm right. I am lost & disappointed & I'm turning to you guys to clarify all of this to me pls.

Well first of all, hullo! I totally understand having a mad crush on John, as well as him being The Man of My Life. 

Yes, it’s true! The Beatles in general were very ahead of their time; none of them had any real issue with homosexuals, though perhaps a bit put off at times because of their upbringing and culture and all that, but they were supportive and never understood why these people were treated so poorly. They had a gay manager, it’d be weird for them to be homophobic while treating Brian like a parental figure, loved him and adored him [even if they did tease him a bit behind his back, or even in front of him-- they teased everyone, doesn’t mean they held any ill feelings towards Brian because he was gay] and being part of the music/artsy crowd, they all had gay/bisexual friends, open or not. 

I truly believe John was bisexual, and while he never outright stated it, I believe he would have eventually directly came out if he had not been killed. 

He was moreso testing the waters though, talking about that when he was 15 he thought he’d have to go and marry off some wealthy old woman or man to continue his passion for art/literature; frequented gay bars with Harry Nilsson, and while he claimed he did it to put off the press-- we know that what he did would have the opposite effect, the press would be constantly on watch, being that there was John Lennon going about gay bars! John could be a terrible liar; even during his Hamburg days, John was described as seeming at home in bars featuring drag queens, and was told he found it stupid how the ‘’culture’’ of gay individuals in industries like music or art, the “scenes” were championed, but the people in general were treated like shit; later on John says gay people are beautiful during an interview [in the 70s I believe]; he’s quoted saying that people should be able to love anyone, that it shouldn’t matter who someone loves; back to the Hamburg era, apparently John had been caught in a drag club/transvestite bar, you know, getting frisky with one by I guess the club runner? and he was all embarrassed of course, but the man didn’t judge him; John is described as someone who was always willing to experiment, after agreeing to a threesome with someone, again back in Germany, one female and another male [though the female was between them, not sure if anything happened between John and the other male]; yes I remember reading somewhere that John did kiss another male performer, before shoving him off and responded crudely; Yoko saying how she’d ‘’teasingly’’ call John a Closeted Fag; Yoko claiming John had told her he would have slept with a man, but he hadn’t found a man beautiful and intelligent enough for him to want to bed him [lies]; Yoko claiming that John had thought about having an affair with Paul; there’s rumors about John and David Bowie; that John had let Brian jerk him off and touch him during their trip to Spain [how John claims it wasn’t fully consummated, that is, no intercourse]; John in an interview saying how he hasn’t slept with a man-- but who knows? Life begins at 40!; John saying how Yoko reminded him of a bloke in drag, and how she was basically like a best mate, but it was easier because with her he could fuck her and love her in public; how he was found holding Brian’s hand by George and Pattie and someone else, and made it a note to showcase his holding of Brian’s hand, because being homosexual was still illegal then-- and there was John, trying to show that “yeah it’s okay.”; and there’s probably much more stories about John when it came to his sexual leaning towards men, though most have probably died with close friends and lovers.

Now, I think what happens is that these people forget the context surrounding John’s life; he wasn’t born in today’s world, he was born in the 40s and raised in the 50s-- being homosexual was illegal, and taught as something shameful, wrong, sick. Even though the boys were relatively very open and ahead of their time, they still grew up in all that, and so of course they still had ignorance and “fear” of homosexuality, of being anything but the expected standard of masculinity. 

John wasn’t the only one who mocked or teased Brian about being gay-- the other boys did it too, though moreso behind his back. John only did this when he was in a very sour mood though, as he did with anyone, he’d hone in on what was considered a sore spot, or weakness of theirs, and jab at it. He’d never mean anything by it though, and would often go talk to them afterwards an try to explain that-- his roundabout way of “apologizing,” that he never meant it, he was only joking, and he might hug them. No one was really safe from John’s sharp tongue when he got into those low points, aggressive and biting. John loved Brian, absolutely did, Brian was a very important paternal figure in John’s life as John never had a good one. When Brian died it devastated all of them, especially John, because again he had lost a very close male friend, too soon or too young, they’d always leave him. John loved Brian, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re either lying or ignorant themselves. 

Now, I think it was actually pretty important for John to tell that story about beating up Bob Wooler, and be as honest as he could about the whole thing, and owned up to his rather intolerant reaction to someone suggesting John was “a queer,” essentially [this was indeed after going off with Brian to Spain, so really everyone had been making sly comments– but that time around, John was drunk, and Drunk John is not at all sensible or cool]

“Bob had been insinuating that me and Brian had had an affair in Spain. And I must have been frightened of the fag in me to get so angry. I was out of my mind with drink - you know, when you get down to the point where you want to drink out of all the empty glasses; that drunk. And Bob was saying, ‘Come on, John, tell me about you and Brian - we all know.’ You know when you’re twenty-one, you want to be a man - if somebody had said it now I wouldn’t give a shit, but I was beating the shit out of him, hitting him with a big stick, and for the first time I thought, ‘I can kill this guy.’ I just saw it, like on a screen: if I hit him once more, that’;s going to be it. I really got shocked. That’s when I gave up violence, because all my life I’d been like that.”

- John Lennon, 1972 Anthology [x]

I think it says a lot, you know, John claiming he was afraid of the fag in him-- I mean, wouldn’t that mean that John knew a part of him was queer then? I think this was part of John confessing, though again, barely anyone caught onto it around that time. This is where I think John was projecting, and most of the ‘’homophobic’’ behavior he showcased was simply a product of internalized homophobia/biphobia. 

Also apparently John was INCREDIBLY, horribly remorseful and ashamed of what he had done to Bob-- I think he had gone to him and tried to apologize and show how sorry he was, how ashamed. 

I haven’t heard anything about John trashing the movie because of it being homosexual, so I can’t say much about that. 

So yeah, my conclusion is that a lot of what John did or said was a product of not only his upbringing/society and of internalized homophobia/biphobia. 

John grew up as a musician and individual in the “gay” scene, had many gay and bisexual friends from the industry, seemed to adore and love drag queens, was close friends with Elton Jon, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, loved and truly did look up to his manager Brian Epstein, thought it stupid gay people were treated like shite despite their contributions to the culture they all loved, thought Elvis was beautiful and was often caught commenting about it by friends, was always willing to “experiment,” his wife thought he was a bit of a closeted fag, that he would have slept with a man though he had never found one that met his expectations [liar], how his first love was Paul, that he fell for Paul’s looks like everyone else, thought Paul was the prettiest, Yoko claiming John had contemplated having an affair with Paul-- like, the list goes on. 

His support and acceptance of LGBT individuals was there long before Yoko-- so I wouldn’t really put the two in the same area, that being, yeah the whole political-era and “Peace and Love,” was brainwashing and influenced by Yoko, but not his beliefs towards the LGBT. 

Also, bisexual was seen as ‘’trendy’’ as, you see, bisexuality was actually considered a bit of a “new” thing; you were either gay or straight, even if you loved both men and women, you were considered a queer. I think that also messed with John’s already confused and frustrated view of his sexuality. And before that, it was considered a Bohemian Lifestyle-- try everything, sleep with men and women. 

I think if anything, John was possibility irritated with the fact bisexuality was considered a trend. 

I dunno, I try to remember the period and cultural context when talking about John, or anyone really, because it’s not very fair to judge them based on today’s culture and societal acceptance. It’s easy for us to judge them, not to try and understand them.

[gunkyengines]

4, 7, and 9, for the s/i questions if you're still taking them!

Ohhhh my gods @jetsetspy I’m so sorry for answering this question so late ;-; My answers are under the cut!

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are? How does it reflect their relationships now? Their hopes and dreams?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

Bellamy doesn’t have much of a backstory just yet, but I do know this:

·         Their family isn’t a huge part of their life, aside from a younger sibling, who, to this day, I have not yet named.

·         They want a sense of belonging somewhere, and have a number of self-image complications (it’s not really a set of “issues” to them, because they’ve found comfort in their body and self over time, but they still have wishes about what they could be seen as—androgyny is a tough line to straddle).

·         They hate the nickname “Bella”.

·         Bells, as far as I’m concerned right now, finds their sense of belonging amongst the ‘Bros ever since they just sorta started… tagging along, I guess? It was just an act of good will from the prince and his guards and a bit of hitchhiking on Bells’ end that got them where they are now.

·         They were originally a bit of a vagabond prior to meeting up with the guys. Hitchhiking, walking absurdly long distances, camping out often, all that jazz.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

Junko is a character who I largely based off of my late-high school self for both self insertion and coping reasons, but a few things do set her apart from me. As in, she’s a pretty close approximation, but by no means is she a direct, direct copy of me.

She’s a student at Kosei Academy, simply due to the fact that I read on the wiki that it’s speculated to be a catholic school (I was brought up in the catholic education system, so, I could find some accuracy and likeness in that), and attended meetings at both the drama and art club there. She has bitter memories of the two clubs, as she was betrayed by the one major figure in both: her childhood friend Hideo Sunjaya. Since then, she’s taken to expressing her creative outlets in circles outside of her student life, and finds her passion in writing. At the time of Persona 5 canon, she’s set on becoming an editor. In the future canon, she does in fact achieve this goal. In this way Junko’s less of a model of who I was, and instead she’s what I hope to be.

She comes from a somewhat broken home, but has a strong relationship with her mother. Despite her current disconnect, Junko feels that she owes it to her parents that she has such a good understanding of her own identity, as they were supportive when she first came out as sapphic, and continued their support when she decided to be GNC and soon after came into her identity as a demigirl.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

Lizzie is a pretty lighthearted simulacrum of a more feminine version of me, translated loosely into the scope of the year 1899. I’m by no means a historian, but here’s Lizzie’s life.

Elizabeth Beaufort is a born and raised resident of the town of Valentine. Her mother is whatever the RDR2 universe’s equivalent of Quebecois French is, having moved to Saint Denis due to a family matter down there, and subsequently met her father. A Valentine resident himself, he beguiled her mother and convinced her to move to Valentine and live as the wife of a livestock owner (he comes from some blue blood ‘round those parts—as mentioned by the VDL in Chapter 2, the town is a goldmine of trade).

As a lady of relative privilege, life was… well, it was what a privileged life is. Sheltered, simple, and for the most part pretty damned easy. However, her naivete wasn’t something that her mother would stand to see Elizabeth keep, as she wanted a strong daughter who wouldn’t simply bend to the hand of tradition. Would I say that Lizzie would’ve most certainly rallied with those girls in Rhodes? YES. I’d rather die than portray any iteration of myself as complacent rather than progressive lmao. Elizabeth Beaufort flows in the vein of RDR2’s… I guess, progressive* writing? More** on that below, I guess???

*I don’t actually know how well it was received by everyone else, and honestly, I’m not even gonna try to speak on anyone else’s behalf but my own—I found that RDR2, despite some shortcomings, made itself a relatively hospitable environment for me as a white queer.

** Lizzie does struggle a lot with her internalized homophobia? Like… she had a lot of difficulty when she was younger coming to terms with the fact that she’s bisexual. This is less prevalent in her backstory considering it only ever surfaces post-canon. Yes, my SI and her FO came out to each other at random after being married to him for approximately 3 months. And it went fuckin’ great cos guess what!! Theyre both bi!! WLW/MLM solidarity!!! Don’t @ me.

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley was brought up amongst a gang of outlaws, and her being born a woman changed nothing about the things she was taught by said gunslingers. She left the group she once called family because of the leadership turning sour. From that point forward she went it alone, shifting in and out of her identity as Gilley Wright and her masculine persona (a pseudonym-turned-identity) Giles Kingsley, to keep herself straddling notoriety and anonymity.

·         Gilley only started wearing her hair short because of an encounter in which her longer hair was used as a means to pull her back into harm’s way. She lopped it off shortly after out of the feeling that it was a necessity, but soon found that she preferred it that way.

·         Thaddeus, her large draft horse, once pulled carts. She took him during a robbery so that she’d have an adequate mount for her getaway. The connection was instant between them.

Taeko Atou – Tokyo Ghoul OC

Taeko went by another name before her time in the 20th ward. She had another face, another life. But that was a self she had to leave far, far behind. Before “Taeko”, she was a reckless twentysomething ghoul living off of her father’s money, basking in the upper echelons of society, indulging in Scrapper shows and seeing humanity as nothing but an unprepared buffet. The danger ranking on her CCG profile demonstrated as much.

One night, however, her cushy life changed drastically. She went out drinking after a Scrapper show with one of her friends and decided to go hunting with her. Things were as usual, they stayed in their territory, but ended up getting apprehended by a group of Doves. During the getaway, her and her friend were separated, and she had no way of knowing whether her friend was alive. Drunk, desperate, and rather terrified, she decided to abandon all else and ripped her mask off to taunt the officers. They deserved to see her face, covered in gore and as ghoulish as they came! Nothing mattered to her at that point and she wanted to give them a scare…!

That is, until the next morning, when she recovered from her hangover and realized what she’d done. One of those Doves got a picture of her. In a panic, she called her father to ask for some sort of mercy money to clear the issue up. He’s frustrated with her constantly getting into increasingly worse trouble and tells her this: he’s going to pay for her to completely change her identity and her face so that she can move elsewhere, completely out of the way of harm. After that, he’d be cutting her off, leaving her with only the savings that she had prior to the cut-off. No more handouts.

This is when she became Taeko Atou, a pseudonym based off of her Scrapper show guest alias, “Miss AT”, and moved to the 20th ward. She has to adjust to average life a la Schitt’s Creek or Arrested Development.

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing? What’s likely in their closet right now?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Bells LOVES anything that’ll make them look cute and androgynous. They’re super partial to a femme prince aesthetic. Blouses and linens and vests and suspenders and a bunch of that cute shit. (Yes, this is my preferred fashion style and I wish I could look like that all the time.) They’re also into stuff like your average sundresses and such when it’s too hot for “princey” attire because hell yeah.

·         They’d hate to wear… hm… short party dresses? Cocktail dresses n shit. (No shade to those tho theyre cute. Just not Bellamy’s style.)

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Junko’s super masc and butch in her presentation, binds her chest, does the simple graphic tee + jeans thing a lot. Think “Kanji Tatsumi but a lesbian”.

·         She lowkey doesn’t like wearing overly feminine clothes, like, she does not vibe with dresses.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Lizzie is pretty standard when it comes to clothes: blouses and skirts, dresses, all just… really basic stuff. She likes simple and solid colours, maybe simple patterns. She’s also like… very cottagecore. Probably likes overalls if she ever wears ‘em?? I’m not a frickin’ historian and I’m not gonna google early 1900s clothes styles at this hour don’t @ me.

·         This is literally just because I’m basic as all fuck and I like a skirt/blouse or sundress style outfit. I don’t wear it often but that’s my jazz y’know?

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley’s another one of my more boyish characters. She doesn’t deliberately go out of her way to look like a man unless she’s under the guise of her male persona Giles Kingsley. But let me tell you—she goes all out for those occasions, even electing to simulate stubble on her face with cosmetics. Think “cowboy drag king” and you’ll hit the mark.

·         Other than that, she just wears whatever’s convenient and comfortable.

 9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life? How do they express their joy for things they like?

As dumb as this sounds I completely burnt out after writing only 2 self insert likes/interests profiles, forgive me lol.

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Favourite Food: Bells is indecisive, but they will gladly eat anything Ignis puts in front of them. They’re thoroughly convinced he uses magic in his cooking. (They’re only half joking about that—it’s so good!) If they were made to decide a top three, it’d likely be Garden Curry, Broiled King on a Stick, and Moogle Mousse with Kupoberry Sauce. Honorable mention being Gyashi Chips (yes, they like what’s effectively Eosian kale chips).

·         Favourite Colours: ANYTHING PASTEL will win Bellamy over, along with any colour considered light and airy. White, silver, pale green, soft gold, baby blue, lavender, and also whatever the sky has going on at any given time of the day—they’re an aesthetic little shit.

·         Favourite Activities: Travelling, leisure shopping when funds allow it (if given the means, Bellamy will 100% engage in excessive retail therapy, no joke), swimming, loving their friends, talking about books and music, gardening, and (I know this sounds vain but bear with me) preening. Yes, they’d be a vlogger in another life. Don’t @ me

·         Bells loves to talk in excess about what they like, and on occasion, when words fail, they tend to express it through squealing, jumping, etc. If someone points out how passionate Bells is about these things, they’ll end up flustered and ask the person if they could continue. I guess you could say Bellamy stims? I’m not diagnosed with anything, so take this with a grain of salt, but I do have stimming habits.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Favourite Food: Junko’s pretty partial to miso soup. It’s one of her weaknesses. Total comfort food. (Bro I fuckin’ love miso soup.) As well as baked goods like cupcakes.

·         Favourite Colours: Red, black, silver, pink, blue, purple.

·         Favourite Activities: drawing (sketches, scribbles, doodles, colouring, etc., singing, baking/cooking, writing, and she learned to love gardening after getting close to Haru.

·         Junko tends to show her happiness through verbal and artistic expression, she’s also the type that tends to crack jokes (mostly shitty puns followed up by finger guns).

Again, thank you so much for asking, thank you so much for asking! QwQ Asks are still open, everyone.

[poetzproblem]

Have You Ever Really? Part V

Author's Note: Part V to close out this series of ficlets. It's a bit different. Those who don't like Santana might want to skip it.

Under the cut, or read at FF.Net or AO3.

It's been a long, strange summer.

Strange in not bad ways, as far as Santana Lopez is concerned. She's not exactly marching through the streets of Lima waving any rainbow flags, but she and Brittany are finally together. Together, together—the way God and Ellen and the entire fucking golf team intended.

She and B are back on the cheerios for their senior year, and so is Quinn—complete with her new, short (sexy) haircut, her fucking annoying (and weird) good mood, and her mysterious blink-and-you-miss-her disappearing acts the moment she gets her ass out of practice.

If Santana didn't know better, she'd think the bitch is getting laid.

Problem is, Santana does know better, and she still thinks the bitch is getting laid.

She just can't quite figure out by who.

Quinn had dropped Finnsufferable's dopey ass last year and hadn't taken him back despite him predictably ping-ponging right back to her as soon as he finally figured out Berry was serious about trying out the ladies.

Puckerman is back to banging everything in a skirt since Lauren dumped him, and no matter how pathetic Quinn can be, she'd never put up with his two-timing bullshit.

Trouty Mouth got dragged to Kentucky by his parents, and even if he was still around, Santana doubts he'd be giving Quinn her happy since he'd been all up in Mercedes's business before he'd left.

Chang is still with other Chang, despite her weird infatuation with the midget after the big coming out.

So the only person Santana suspects it might be is the one person it just can't.

Because even if Quinn hadn't smacked Streisand upside the head for serenading her in glee last spring, she also hadn't gone running into her tiny little arms. She'd just soaked up the attention like the vain bitch she is and then gone back to pretending it never happened. It was actually kind of sad to watch.

Funny.

But sad.

Hell, Berry's take on I'm Yours right after Finn had blown Nationals for them had been kind of fun. She'd even managed to keep her ogling of Quinn on the subtle side—well, for her.

But the next day's rendition of She's Always A Woman had caused all kinds of secondhand embarrassment throughout the room. Seriously. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would have guessed that Quinn wouldn't be thrilled with those lyrics. Frankly, Santana was surprised Berry had gotten off with only a Fabray glare and a weak-ass storm out.

The following day had featured an impassioned cover of I Want To Know What Love Is that made everyone but Schuester cringe. No one should ever willing choose a Foreigner song. (Except that Quinn hadn't seemed to hate it as much as everyone else had. She'd actually seemed kind of amused by it.)

Thank God the school year had ended. Otherwise there would have undoubtedly been more serenades after Berry's final choice of I'll Be. (Which wasn't terrible. Quinn had even looked a little teary-eyed after that one. And Santana swears she'd seen her stuffing a teddy bear into her bag before taking off for summer vacation.)

Frankly, Quinn could probably do a lot worse than Rachel Berry.

Who's she kidding? Quinn's entire dating history is worse than Rachel Berry.

If Santana was wondering whether Berry's crush had petered out over the summer, she gets her answer in their first glee meeting of the new school year—right after they spend twenty minutes arguing over the best way to attract new members now that they're down two bodies.

Rachel has another song.

"To welcome us all back," is what she says, but nobody buys it when she starts making those big moony eyes at Quinn again. She'd managed to get through the entire meeting without doing it. She'd sat her ass in the front row and barked out suggestions for the year without even a glance to Quinn—or to Finn, who's still pouting over his single status. But damned if she doesn't flip that crazy obsessive switch right back into Quinn-mode in the blink of an eye.

This time, it's to the tune of the Beatles.

"Something in the way she moves Attracts me like no other lover. Something in the way she woos me. I don't want to leave her now. You know I believe and how."

Santana is sitting right next to Quinn today, so she gets the experience of having this serenade aimed in her general direction. And okay, she has to admit—only to herself and very reluctantly—that having the full force of Rachel Berry's voice and expressive eyes directed at you for a love song is pretty fucking alluring. Like, Santana doesn't even like her (much), but she'd totally bang her after this.

If she didn't have Brittany, obviously.

But she does have Brittany, so she sends a sweet smile to her own girlfriend and thinks about banging her as soon as they can get the hell out of here.

"Somewhere in her smile she knows That I don't need no other lover. Something in her style that shows me. I don't want to leave her now. You know I believe and how."

Santana glances over at Quinn, trying to gauge her reaction. She expects the same cool indifference from last year, but—well, fuck! Quinn is wearing that same weird smile that she's had on all summer—at least until she notices Santana's eyes on her, then she schools her features like the fucking pro she is.

"You're asking me, will my love grow. I don't know, I don't know. You stick around, now it may show. I don't know, I don't know."

Santana thinks she knows.

Apparently the head bitch isn't as immune to Berry as she wants them all to believe. She's just a fucking closet case.

"Something in the way she knows And all I have to do is think of her. Something in the things she shows me. I don't want to leave her now. You know I believe and how."

There's some applause when Rachel is finished, but it's pretty weak, and Santana supposes it's because they'd all been hoping she would have moved on by now. Santana is thinking she hasn't moved on because she hadn't actually needed to, but Quinn sure as hell isn't making any moves to claim the girl.

"Why do you keep trying to hurt me?" Finn whines before grabbing his bag and stalking out of the room.

"Jerk," Quinn scoffs under her breath, rolling her eyes at his storm out.

"You got something to say, Fabray?" Santana taunts, arching an eyebrow.

Rachel gazes up at her expectantly, but Quinn only shrugs. "Nope."

Santana watches Rachel's face fall in disappointment, and an expression of remorse flashes across Quinn's face before it's gone again in the blink of an eye. Santana frowns, wondering just what the hell these two are playing at with their little back-and-forth, but then Schuester is calling it a day, and everyone is packing up to leave.

With one last look up to Quinn, Rachel sighs, gathers her bag, and slips out of the room. Quinn watches her go like a hawk stalking its prey, and then she's grabbing for her own bag in a rush, but Santana stops her from jogging down the risers with a hand on her arm.

"Are you seriously gonna let her keep doing that?" she demands, ignoring the impatient annoyance that radiates off of Quinn at being detained. "I mean, it was fun the first five times, but now it's just painful to watch."

Quinn scowls at her, jerking her arm away. "Why do you even care?"

"Hey, I'm just tryin' to help you out," Santana drawls with a smirk. "Unless you, I don't know, actually like Berry singing love songs at you." She'd wager good money that Quinn fucking loves it, but the fear in her eyes when Santana says it  is all too recognizable. She'd seen it enough in the mirror last year, so she should probably ease up and wait for Quinn to creep out of the closet on her own. But fuck that! "I know you're a bitch and all, but I didn't think even you were cruel enough to string a queer girl along just to make yourself feel better."

Quinn takes a menacing step toward her, looking about two heaving breaths away from slapping her—or, you know, actually coming out. "You know nothing about me," she growls.

"Please don't fight," Brittany pleads, immediately stepping between them. "Santana isn't being mean. She's just worried about Rachel." And Quinn instantly deflates, the anger draining right out of her.

"I'm not," Santana denies quickly. (She is.) "I'm just bored with the daily serenades and the pathetic loves eyes. You should be too," she reminds Quinn suspiciously. "How many times does Berry have to embarrass herself in front of everyone before you finally put her out of our misery for good?"

Santana figures the question works both ways. Either Quinn is leading Berry on for her daily ego boost—something even Santana wouldn't do now that she knows firsthand what it's like to want a girl you can't have—or she's not and is keeping them in the closet to protect her own reputation while she lets Rachel sing her little heart out to everyone's ridicule and pity. Either way, Quinn needs to fucking stop letting Rachel do that to herself. This one-sided bullshit doesn't fly with Santana.

Quinn doesn't answer. She just starts chewing on the corner of her lip with this pained look in her eyes.

Santana sighs in defeat. "C'mon B. Let's go get our lady kisses on," she urges, holding out her hand.

Brittany takes it with a sad smile, walking down the risers next to Santana, but she pauses at the bottom to glance back up at Quinn. "Rachel deserves to have some sweet lady kisses of her own. If you don't want to give them to her, you should let her get them from someone else."

Santana can't resist glancing up at Quinn to see her reaction to that, smirking a little when she sees the unhappy scowl and clenched fists. Yeah—that's totally jealousy bleeding out of her pointy, little ears. So much for a weirdly happy Quinn.

Of course, Santana gets infinitely happier once she gets Brittany alone, and she doesn't think about Quinn or Berry again until the next day when it comes time for the inevitable serenade.

Except—it's not Rachel standing in the front of the choir room this time.

It's Quinn.

Santana can't be exactly sure of where this is going until Quinn says, "I present this song without comment." And then, she just knows. Because Quinn is looking right at Rachel when she starts to sing.

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."

And yeah—there are gasps all around the room, and she's pretty sure she hears Finnsipid mutter, "What the fuck?"

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pull me out of time. You hung me on the line. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you."

One glance at Rachel confirms that she's grinning like a loon.

"Maybe I'm a girl. Maybe I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something That she doesn't really understand."

And if anyone still has any doubts about what's happening, they pretty much get cleared up when Quinn moves closer to Rachel to sing the next lines.

"Maybe I'm a girl And maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me. Baby, won't you help me to understand?"

And Quinn—that sly bitch—smiles at Rachel and reaches out a hand to her, and of course, Rachel takes it.

Kurt fucking squeals in delight, and Brittany breathes out a quiet, "Yay," as she claps.

Mercedes looks shocked, and Tina looks kind of depressed, and Puckerman looks—well, he's obviously thinking perverted thoughts. Mike just looks confused, and Finn—

Yep. There goes the chair.

"You both suck," he screams as he stomps out of the room, cutting Quinn's serenade short.

She doesn't seem to mind. Neither does Rachel.

"You sang back," Rachel murmurs in wonder, proudly holding Quinn's hand in front of the entire club.

Quinn  giggles happily, nodding. "I should have done it yesterday. I'm sorry I waited so long. I just wanted to hear you sing for me one more time before we came out as a couple."

"Wait? You're a couple?" Mercedes asks, still in shock. "Since when?"

Quinn glances at Rachel with a dreamy expression to rival any of Rachel's lovesick ones. "Since she took me stargazing on the very first day of our summer break."

"It was...very enlightening," Rachel adds with a mysterious smile.

Oh, yeah. Quinn is definitely getting laid. Santana can only imagine what they've been up to all summer.

(Really. She's imagining it pretty vividly, and it's kind of super hot. Hey! She's taken, not dead.)

"And if my girlfriend wants to keep singing me love songs everyday, she can," Quinn announces, gazing around the room with a challenging glare. "And you're all going to clap for her. Understood?" She ends with her eyes on Santana, just daring her to comment.

Santana can never resist a dare. "So I guess Berry must be really, really good at loving a woman, huh?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Quinn responds, wrapping a possessive arm around Rachel's waist. And then for some weird reason, she sends this really smug look in Tina's direction before adding, "But you won't."

"I do really love you, Quinn," Rachel murmurs, gazing at Quinn with undisguised adoration.

Quinn returns the look with a disgustingly besotted grin. "I love you too, baby."

And yeah—then they're kissing.

Santana rolls her eyes. Brittany claps again, and Kurt coos. Even Mercedes presses a hand to her heart and says, "Aw."

It's more ew if you ask Santana.

(Not really. It's still kind of hot. There's a lot of tongue and they're both really, really into it. The visuals are pretty inspiring. But she's not admitting that to anyone ever.)

"Get a room," she heckles, shaking her head.

They pull apart with dark eyes, lips slowly curling into matching smirks. Quinn arches a brow. Berry nods. And then they're grabbing their bags.

"Thank you for your continued support, fellow glee-clubbers," Rachel rushes out, gathering her things, "but Quinn and I have a very important prior engagement."

"Come on, Rach," Quinn urges, grabbing her hand and impatiently tugging her towards the door. "My mom won't be home until seven. We can practice...singing."

It's very clear that singing doesn't mean singing. It's probably more like Rachel screaming Quinn's name.

"Well," Santana scoffs, watching them go with an wicked grin, especially when she sees how green Schuester has turned from listening to the exchange. "Have you ever? Really?"

Because she certainly has. Glancing at Brittany, she knows she will be again very soon.

Yeah, she has a feeling it's going to be a long, strange (but awesome) senior year.