#And even when I do learn them I refuse to use them 4 myself

[istillseeeverything]

im feeling a bit better now.... I'm very sleepy but I'm not thinking much and I'm listening to music :-)

It's nice to be able to construct my thoughts the way I want to without all of that mental baja blast

Mental baja blast is when u r thinking so much at different times and places that u can't focus specifically in hearing or responding correctly it doesn't even have to be negative (though usually there's a few in there) am I just describing sensory overload. Am i. Oh my god

[neon-vocalist]

things i used to do that hurt my headmates: a non-all-inclusive list, vecause i think it is important to acknowledge when we as hosts do things wrong, but also that mistakes are a part of learning you’re plural and everyone makes them.

1. joke that i didn’t want them there / give them a poor reception. my immediate reaction to “hi, i’m here” used to be “no the fuck you’re not.” they’d say “hi!” and i’d say “no.” especially if they were fictives. they’d give me their name, and i’d go “ohhhh, nooooo, i refuse to believe it,” and it was funny to me and to my friends, but it ended up severely impacting the way they felt around me.

2. see them for their jobs. for a long time, my headmates were more like co workers. i would say things to them that kind of just boiled them down to what they did, from “why are you here? we don’t need protecting” to “i don’t get why so-and-so split, they don’t do anything for me.” now i make an effort to see them for who they are, not what they do for me.

3. lock up our persecutors. i know many systems who’ve done this and many systems who say they will if they need to. i have been in spaces where people advertise “alter jail” and things like that, or give tips on how to create one. while our version of isolating our persecutor was putting him in a tupperware container and not a jail cell, it’s still imprisonment and i don’t think i need to explain why this one is harmful.

4. shit talk them behind their backs. i guess i still kind of do this. i panic and i take the side of whoever’s gossiping about them, and i usually end up saying things about them i would never actually believe. i need to get better at standing up for them.

5. give everyone info on them and their dirty laundry. i used to use my headmates as conversation points. “oh we split someone new btw, they’re x and y and do z,” or “oh, did i tell you about the drama with a and b?” when really the drama is none of my or my friend’s business, and they end up feeling betrayed that i’d tell someone about them like that.

6. act like i was The Valid One. i acted like i got to make the decisions, like everyone revolves around me, and that it was truly MY system— i would order them around, make them do shit i didn’t want to do, and hold myself higher than them. it was me and my alters, and i always got priority.

7. force them to speak. i would make them introduce themselves to everyone we talked to and put introductions in our journal and private server. it didn’t matter if they didn’t want to be known, to me it was essential that all our friends had all the information. even at the expense of my headmates’ comfort.

i don’t do this stuff anymore, and i know it’s fucked up. there’s also things i’ve seen other hosts do that are harmful, and i do my best to call them on it (gently, of course). but i think it’s important to acknowledge that we fuck up and we’ve moved on instead of pretending it never happened and we were always perfect.

[balkanradfem]

So I decided to learn to knit! I've never before found a way to ethically and cheaply get yarn. I found a little ball of yarn outside at some point, as one does, and saved it, but beyond that I didn't have any other tools. Then I saw a video showing how you can take a thrifted machine-knit sweater, and undo it back into yarn, and then just knit with that. Incredible, since I have a full box of old sweaters, I just need to figure out which ones are easily undone.

So I grabbed my little ball of found yarn, and then I needed some needles. I looked up what I could use instead, and found there's plenty of alternatives; pencils, chopsticks, wooden sticks for barbecue. Looking around my room I realized I had some very long paintbrushes; I tried to use them, and immediately realized they need to have a pointy end. I grabbed a pencil sharpener and sharpened them; only this made them very rough and splintered. I needed to sand them down, but I had no sandpaper, and then I remembered that recently someone gave me a flat tool that removes dry skin from feet. I sanded them down with that, and it actually worked, they worked perfectly like knitting needles. They're even the same size.

The knitters probably already know this, but if you start knitting for the first time, especially if it's winter and you're under a blanket, some ancient human instinct will activate and you will feel that you are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing and everything is well and right with the world. Creating fabric is a powerful thing to do, in a society where everyone needs fabric to stay alive, and go outside, and I like having this power to myself.

I found out there are two basic types of stitches; knit stitch, and purl stitch. I liked the knit stitch better, on the basis that purl stitch had 'bad vibes'.

It knew before that most fabric will be woven, or knitted, or in some cases, crochet, so I got little curious, and studied each layer of clothing on me, and every single item of clothing was knit, and it was all a purl stitch. I got fascinated by this, wondering if this is true for most clothing, or if I just somehow prefer knit things on me because they're nice and stretchy. Looking into other fabrics, I could easily tell that all of the sheets, pillowcases and kitchen cloths were woven, and that they were much sturdier and less stretchy for it.

I looked at stuff in my closet, and found that I had a scarf, hat, and pants that were woven, but in very soft and warm fabric, and they were very sturdy and non-stretchy as well. I then wondered what was the logic behind it, and is there a traditional type of things that will be woven, that isn't just bedsheets and cloths?

I tried to find a video on youtube detailing that stuff, but no female-made video was found, so I'm now downloading several women-written audibooks on the topic of history of textiles. I think we should just take the power to make textiles back to us, because back when women were the maker of the cloth, it was just something we 'did out of the goodness of our hearts for our families' but it was also environmentally friendly, practical, sustainable and a beautiful, powerful craft. Now that m*n decided it's something to make money off, they created fast fashion, tons of waste and environmental damage, new types of slavery for workers, and the clothing isn't even practical anymore, it's made to fall apart.

So, back to my knitting, I have to say it's not happening very fast, I thought by the end of the day I would be done with that little ball of yarn and be able to tell how much fabric it can make, nope, did not happen, in fact I've been working on it two days and by this time I've barely made any progress. Apparently the 'purl stitch' is faster, well, I'm still refusing to do it. Boo purl stitch. The yarn I found outside is some of the worst quality yarn I've ever seen, not only it's different in thickness everywhere, but in some places there are 3-4 different threads distangled from each other, and it confused me so much while knitting that I kept adding stitches on the brush unnecessarily, until the entire thing could barely fit on one.

One thing that surprised me was how incredibly soft, stretchy and comfortable the fabric feels when made. I genuinely expected the fabric to be as horrifying as the yarn quality, nope, it's nice and comfy I absolutely love it.

There is a movement in online spaces for being mindful of environment when purchasing clothing, and making our own wardrobes, which is absolutely delightful; seeing people gain new respect and fascination for clothing, sewing and textile making, and then doing it themselves and becoming non-dependent on capitalism, it's the change the world needs. I didn't think I would try to join in, because I get so much discarded and unwanted clothing from others, I wouldn't need to buy any ever, but I did get fascinated by looms, natural fibers, and women doing all that work, that I can't resist trying it out.

[thatonebirdwrites]

I still plan to finish my TLOK: Shared Moments series -- especially Book 3.5 and 4 at least, but I simply cannot do the pace I did last year. I can't. My health is too poor and my heart too broken. So let's talk about it.

For this post in particular, I want to discuss how parts of the Korrasami fandom broke my heart.

I also will talk about how Supercorp fandom is helping me heal. I want to be clear here. This post is not about pitting these fandoms against each other. Both have their flaws, their beauty, their awesome people, and their mean people. I love them both. This is simply my tale of how one broke my heart and how the other helps me heal that.

I also preface that there are wonderfully beautiful people I've met in the Korrasami fandom, some who have become friends over the span of the last year and a half. The kindness and care from @snazzy-korra and the Korrasami friend I talk to on Discord has been life-saving in different ways. I'm forever grateful and highly appreciative of these people's kindness and support and for the kind readers who left kind comments.

I also wish to be clear that I have always been honest in my end-notes about the fact that I have a disability, that my health might slow me down, or I may share an anecdote about my life (my disability impacts my life heavily, but it also is not all I am) to explain why I wrote a scene the way I did. Folks seemed to appreciate learning about the inner workings of the writer's mind and the research I've done. So it's why I tend to have detailed end-notes.

So when readers, who acknowledged these end-notes and commented about my bravery at being a disabled writer, turn around and viciously attack me and pull out every single ableist argument about how the character, who became disabled in my story, is now less than?

That is fucking personal.

That is them directly telling me that they don't see disabled people like myself as their equal in dignity or respect. They don't even respect me as a person worthy of being treated with kindness. Instead, they remind me yet again of how they view disabled people as less than.

Where they wanted the disability written out of the story. They wanted erasure, and thus it felt like a stab in my heart.

Because in the end, such arguments are rooted in a fear of this simple truth:

Anyone can become disabled at any time.

Some people fear that truth. Likely because they would have to face the fact that the horrid ways they treat us disabled people could be how they end up treated if they become disabled.

So instead of fixing society and the systems harming us disabled folks, and creating instead accessible and equitable and kinder systems that help all people thrive -- they instead demand erasure. Demand that people like me cease to exist in their space. That our stories not be visible.

It went beyond a fight in comments to direct messages/asks and at least one tumblr blog directly harassing me (referencing my writing as the reason). It felt like my few places where I felt somewhat safe to share my writing had been broken into and trashed.

It's sad and heartbreaking in so many ways, because these people are refusing to see the absolutely beauty and wonder that is disabled people and our creativity.

[Yes, I know the tools that can help protect me like comment moderation, but again, the point of this post isn't about fixing my behaviors.

Because my behaviors weren't the problem. It's about a very real problem in fandoms, where AUs that involve a beloved character becoming disabled turn into an avenue to cause harm to that author. (Instead, of just not commenting and not reading it.)

If this isn't pointed out or ever talked about, then how do we learn and grow and find ways to repair the fandom to be kinder? To call out hurtful behaviors and support those harmed by it? Why should we let folks suffer in silence, when we can talk about it and better support one another? To build better habits and encourage others to build those kinder habits with us?]

Becoming disabled is not a bad thing. It doesn't have to be. We are still beautiful, wonderfully creative, and awesome people who deserve the same love, respect, care, and dignity as any non-disabled person.

Ignoring or running from the pain doesn't make it go away, as I did that and instead it ended up tainting what had been a deep love.

Acknowledging the pain and/or grief and choosing to heal is what alleviates it. The Korrasami fandom introduced me to fanfiction. I'd never written fanfiction in my life before I decided to write How Was Those Three Years to dig into how those years were like for Asami.

I'd never read so much fanfiction before either. I didn't realize the wealth of creativity and wonder that is hidden in the corridors of AO3. It was a beautiful sight to behold. I discovered this truth through Korrasami.

Writing Korrasami helped me rekindle my writing again. Even with my poor health, even when I struggle to get out of bed, even as I lost my ability to do things I used to love to do, fandom helped me re-establish my writing habits. I was writing again. The one thing I love to do the most.

At least my health hadn't taken away my writing and art. Isn't that a beautiful thing to discover? I found a way to grieve what I lost but still rejoice in what I can still do. But at the same time, I've never been more hurt and shattered by a fandom than I have daring to write an alternate universe story, where I learned that the limit of people's care ends at the moment they perceive your disability.

Where you cease to be a person in their eyes.

Where you become less than.

Thus, I truly struggled on how to move forward for months, where writing became harder and harder to do.

I didn't want to lose the joy I had found, but I didn't know how to safely heal either. And I like sharing my stories. The act of sharing them was part of how I redicovered my joy of writing again.

It was here on tumblr, where I found a niche that helped me heal.

It all started with a continuation to one of @fazedlight's ficlets, which randomly appeared on my 'for you' page.

I hadn't even finished Supergirl yet at that point, but the AU in that ficlet, where Kara decides to trust Lena and reveals she's an alien due to the alien detector? How utterly fascinating way to rewrite that scene.

I'm not even sure why I felt the need to write that continuation, but it's like my fingers had a mind of their own. I felt so inspired, and after a few months of being trapped in that well of feeling utterly broken, it was like glimpsing sunlight for the first time in months.

And I found I couldn't stop. I started to write other little ficlets based on GIFs about Supercorp. I started reading fanfiction about Supercorp. I realized Lena Luthor is really just a morally grey Asami Sato, and Kara Zor-El Danvers is basically Avatar Korra. So of course it was easy to write them. I already had practice with Korrasami.

I then went and watched the last three seasons to finally finish Supergirl, and was horrified by just how bad the writing was in 5 and 6, that now I wanted to write my own fix-it fic.

But I was scared to do it. I'd already had my heart broken by Korrasami. I already had a big project there I need to finish for my own sake, because it's so, so important to my own heart.

But at the same time, should I dare to share my stories again? Put myself out there in a different fandom?

Because I can't stress enough how I had seriously considered deleting my AO3 account due to how hurt I was over Korrasami (my two Korrasami buddies kept me from doing that, and they might not ever realize their influence there. I'd downloaded all the fics I'd written and gave myself a due date to decide.)

I was scared to share my stories, and I needed support to decide if I could do it again. If I dared to do it.

Then I discovered thanks to @luthordamnvers and @snowydragonscave a server for Supercorp shippers, and Holy shit.

It was okay to be disabled there.

People from all sorts of walks of life were there. They were supportive (and such enablers, my heavens).

I wasn't seen as less than.

People treated me like a human being.

It gave me courage to start posting the stories I'd written about Supercorp to AO3, and then holy crap.

The comments from Supercorp readers welcomed me as a new writer. They were encouraging. (Sure, there was mean comments here and there, but they weren't so horrifically personal in their attacks like the few hurtful Korrasami readers.)

I wept over those comments. Those people may never know how healing it was to read kind and encouraging comments. These people welcomed me, a stray writer into their shelter, and gently and tenderly offered support, advice, and constructive criticism in ways that uplifted the author.

Sure, it's possible I'll get viciously attacked for who I am again in the Supercorp fandom, but right now, most folks I talk with in the Supercorp fandom have been kind. Mean comments haven't been so acutely personal in their attacks, and it's a reprieve that allows space to heal.

My first love - Korrasami - will always be my first love in terms of ships. This is a truth. Supercorp is second in line, but I feel, right now, it's a little safer for my heart to write Supercorp.

I do promise to finish Shared Moments, but it will take longer simply because I'm still healing.

Parts of the Korrasami fandom broke my heart, but a good portion of the Supercorp fandom is mending it back together.

That's a beautiful thing too.

The stories I write are imperfect. I know I mess up a lot. But I do hope that people walk away from my stories having learned something. Or at the very least walk away with some semblance of hope.

Because in the end, in a world that seems hellbent on reminding marginalized people of how our lives are disposable, choosing hope becomes a radical act in liberation.

Our stories deserve to be told. Deserve to be cherished.

So in conclusion, never underestimate your kindness toward others. You may touch them in ways you may never fully know.

Thank you for all my readers, who have been supportive and kind. You're helping a broken writer heal. I will forever appreciate and treasure all of you.

Thanks for reading.

[fictionfixations]

Kalim in RSA (and I get off-topic)

Spoilers for Book 4 and 5 (im sorry jamil enjoyers. but im so biased towards kalim its not even funny)

(this spiraled into me talking all about kalim in the actual game so oops)

imagine how different the story would be if kalim was in RSA

and we just hear from jamil about these snippets about his 'master' (although itd be weird they'd be separated if jamil tended to him often to where he'd prob be like his personal servant? idk what situation would have jamil talk to us anyway but yknow maybe we get close, he's like the other friend who seems cool? he'll basically help us out with knowledge about things, fleshing out the world a bit more, as the only sophomore in the group cause he kind of feels responsible maybe? then BETRAYAL)

and then eventually partway through the school year KALIM IS THERE (we know why though) and he somehow ends up housewarden.

i have a dislike against RSA. its very petty and its kind of because they keep winning (and they dont even mean ill intent which is worse! …but its kind of like kalims kindness. and i like kalim but that might make me biased. SO. thus the existence of this.)

we probably wouldnt like him much right? (and i imagine he'd get his fair share of bullies. we find this out. he laughs it off like 'nah, im used to attempted assassinations and everything. this isnt nearly as bad.')

(id do the clapping between but ppl get annoyed, and i get annoyed) CUE KALIM BEING MORE THAN SMILES AND WE LEARN THAT ABOUT HIM !!

HES aware enough that he can cook food good using JUST magic (which takes precision to use it as good or even better than your hands right??. its in his labwear vignette. ruggies teaching him ofc so ruggie wants it to be good cause hes taking leftovers, BUT CMOONNN he can learn. ..and yeah it took a few years for jamil to teach kalim antidotes to common poisons so he could do it easy but kalims hardly a master at making potions so i call that good)

AND in book 5 he noticed vil had like the same look as jamil to where he knew something was going to go wrong (aka the poisoning)

maybe its to show how much kalim doesnt belong in NRC and thats why they dont pull the 'more than he looks at first glance' like cater with glimpses in vignettes and etc

but like COME ON.

the sultan might be dumb (i recently re-watched aladdin) but at least he knew enough that he didnt want jafar marrying his daughter cause hes OLD and also he doesnt want to force jasmine into anything (good intentions. im sure if they just waited and she didnt find a suitor in time he would've just CHANGED THE LAW like he did IN THE MOVIE because he wants her to be happy!)

ALSo he tried to look through the law jafar claimed to say that would make her have to be married to the vizier or whatever (aka jafar) but then jafar just pulled it away before he could (and then attempted to mind control him when he refused) mans was prepared to spend hours reading over it even if he didnt understand it but he wasnt given the chance

also kalim is worryingly nonchalant about stuff. i mean. you can get used to horrible things to where they just feel so normal and uninmportant i guess? but poor bby. hes been like 'i want to keep myself alive because if i die then someone else will get punished.' or like about poisoning, if someone has a change of mind and hes already dead, then he cant do something to help them, so he has to make sure he'll live.

..i really doubt that hes just. so oblivious. maybe in denial, but still.

anyway i got very off topic. my bad. and to be fair we do get to see more of him at some parts. but hhh

okay listen. denial. (i am also a believer that if when kalim confronted jamil, if he said he didnt do anything kalim wouldve believed him. bruh gave him excuses like '..i just got tired, right?')

"The real Jamil would never do such things! He's a good guy. He's always helping me, giving me a shoulder to lean on, and—" (Book 4 • Chapter 33)

we just. dont see him really crumble?? he just. keeps being optimistic

we convince him jamil is bad. he resolves to punch him for being a traitor and THATS IT?

he sobs at the end of jamils overblot but then he goes back to being optimistic like 'lets be equals!' (..it feels like he didnt really learn much though as he's still 'I didn't notice--' 'I--' and i wish he couldve gotten more awareness. cause he makes it about himself yknow and blaming himself but COME ON put some blame on jamil PLEASE? or like. ANYONE ELSE. you also cant notice shit if no one ever tells you about it that you dont even know to look for it! he doesnt want to be cautious about who he can trust so like, why would he think to doubt the person who hes known his entire life??? especially if its something that was just always there that it feels natural, how could he know better? hes sheltered! so someone shouldve explained it to him, made him realize things! aghhh)

heres the book 5 one btw

"I got a real bad feeling when I saw the look on your face after Neige's rehearsal. It was practically the same look I saw on Jamil's face when he lost control of himself over holiday break." (Book 5 • Chapter 62)

And I mean maybe he did learn in that he's more aware of this now than others because he knows what people could look like because of Jamil, but I feel like a lot of things were just so unsaid. That the first time blindsided him, but now he's kind of a little more worried about something happening while he's there that he didn't notice so now he's trying to notice things more??? Or like maybe having gut feelings that he'd ignored before because it was Jamil but now knowing better?

So he can be aware. but then the rest of the time he's just thought of as dumb or an idiot or forgetful and it just makes me sad. and i mean i get that he wants to see the best in people but we never really talk about how its more that its denial. a refusal to see it, and i want to understand why

or maybe its because he sees the good in people that he trusts they'll do the right thing. or he believes that the good outweigh the bad (although i dont know if it'd be the same case if it was someone he knew who got hurt)

like. okay back in book 5

"Besides, I would bet there isn't a single person in Scarabia who hasn't gotten help from Jamil at some point. Am I right?"

"See? There you go. He's been a model vice housewarden. In fact, he's put me to shame. He let dark thoughts get the better of him for a brief time. Other than that, he's a perfectly capable guy." (Book 5 • Chapter 10)

He justifies it with that Jamil isn't the only one to blame (he also blames himself), and that Jamil hadn't done anything wrong before then

which. AGAIn. means that in his eyes the good outweigh the bad. jamils better at his duties so jamil should stay as vice housewarden.

this was the first time jamil did anything bad so it'd be fine, it was just an error in judgment

AGHHh

nothing about the fact that his closest friend he views as a brother

"He's grown up with Jamil since a young age, and considers him a brother in all but blood." (from the In-game Album)

who would be the last person he'd expect to do such a thing BETRAYS HIM, planning to make everyone (or well just the people in scarabia) turn against him

like. that has to be a shock right??? AND THEN HE JUST. welcomes him back into his life like it was nothing im just. kALIM. SWEETIE.

and i mean i get its for the best since if anyone knew what actually happened anything could happen to jamil (and jamil has his own reasons i get that but this is about kalim)

but he still hangs around him. has him as his aide. so while something did change, it also feels like nothing changed at the same time.

"I'm always chosen. Always. That's such an obvious truth that I never even consciously processed it. But now I see that was only possible because of Jamil's constant sacrifices. He created that "truth" in my mind by always holding back. By always letting me win. ...It stings. "Galling" doesn't even begin to describe it." (Book 5 • Chapter 30)

also like one of the very few times he expresses how he feels about something (how it hurts not to be chosen for the first time, and/or that he was only chosen because of someone else so he wants to work hard)

and then grim shuts him down with "You wanna talk about galling? Imagine how I feel not even makin' the cut for the audition to start with."

like. COME ON.

Kalim responds with, "Ah, you're right. My bad! I didn't mean to rub it in. Goodness, there I go again! I'm super sorry, honest."

and yeah it can seem kind of spoiled but also. its probably because of that that he doesnt want to share his troubles because he's very privileged so it feels like he might not deserve to act like its anything when everyone else has to work so much harder, right?

AND ITS JUST. REAFFIRMING TO HIM THAT his troubles are nothing compared to anyone elses and im just aghhauihduadhw

he also cares a lot about other people (people like him as housewarden because he listens to their troubles and supports them) so i just. want him to be able to take a moment to care about himself and just admit these things that he usually doesnt get the chance to.

i got a lot more worked up than i meant to

[ourbeloved1011]

Grow tf up. It's been 4 years since that show finished. Yibo even removed it from his bio. Theres nothing wrong with liking a show but insisting on some delusional rpf that's harming actual people??

Hi Anon,

Thanks for spending your precious time dropping by & bravely leaving your not-so-kind comments anonymously (or should I say nasty & harsh for telling me to grow tf up) when this is OBVIOUSLY a fan blog dedicated to Yizhan. It's like you're knocking someone's door uninvited & forcing yourself to rudely barge in.

Well, there must be a good reason on why I've been purposely not hashtag individual artists' names in my posts & include only related tags & mention 'this is just my personal thoughts, CPN' to STAY IN MY OWN LANE - in my own bubble & space. This is to avoid from being discovered by people who's trying to 'start something' & serve as my own effort to protect the artists from being harmed by my words. I really despise unnecessary conflicts right when I've made myself clear on my dashboard that this is a shipper blog.

In simpler words, if you don't like it, it's not my problem. No one asked for your opinion, anon. You've got the wrong place to begin with. However, since you've dropped me an ask, let me enlighten you at the very least.

Before I start, here's some of translated versions of Xiao zhan's personal statement after the incident (which I refuse to elaborate more):

"Everyone has their own choices and freedom of expression. No matter if you like me or you hate, it's your personal right. Passion should be the source of strength for everyone. I hope that this passion doesn't exhaust or harm anyone."

You can read the rest of his statement in my recent reblog or here: https://www.tumblr.com/ourbeloved1011/723921396167819264/xiao-zhans-previous-personal-statement?source=share

Here's my personal thoughts, again, CPN.

I couldn't agree more. It's crucial for everyone to take his words seriously and it's my wish to be what he wished for. I admire, respect & support both xiao zhan & yibo whole-heartedly. It's not fair for you to judge & say that this isn't fan love.

Bjyx is a fandom made up of different individuals. Not only bjyx, any fandom or group of people in this world will have the same concept.

Now, let's talk about generalization.

You can't simply generalize a group or fandom & labelling them as a whole harmful existence. Every fandom has their own good & toxic fans. You don't have any control over that. Surely, all kind of people exist in bjyx BUT same goes with solo fans. There's no exception.

It's like labelling the whole Wen clan as evil when you know very well that Wen Ning and Wen Qing aren't the same kind. In fact, they are Jiang clan's life savior. It's totally unfair.

"You should punish the people who bit you. Wen Qing & Wen Ning have never gotten their hands on anything bloody. Or do you want to execute a collective punishment?!" -The Untamed, Wei Wuxian-

Why do you need to be the exact same way as Jin's clan judgmental behavior? We never learn, we've been here before. I won't take any sides on which fandom need to be banned or which one is the 'real' supporter. Collective stereotype will never be the final answer.

I see two people in everyone. There's no point in proving this.

However, I do believe in one same group commonality. If you continuously act excessively, intentionally crossing all the boundary of morality & bring harm to others, you will belong to TOXIC FAN and ANTIs regardless of where you come from- either you are a bjyx fan or solo. I will not support any act of sexualizing & harassment behavior towards them. There's always a limit, visible lines & common sense to conduct & follow. Sadly, EXTREMISTs do exist everywhere.

Just like what xz been telling us, it's your personal right as long as your passion doesn't harm others. Joining bjyx is our right & passion to support them in our own way. Doesn't mean that you've the right to speak up or write anything that you see as 'the right way', you also have the right to blatantly disregard those who don't share the same view as yours. That's why the word RESPECT is there in life dictionary. Otherwise, human can't co-exist this long.

If you don't have anything good to say, you can just remain silent. If you can't accept & respect, just stay away & ignore. It's that simple.

I don't understand why people needlessly hurting others with their unnecessary hurtful choice of words that can leave permanent scars to others. I personally feel sorry for these people. I don't get it. I really want to understand- what's the real reason for you to be so mean & harsh & hateful? For example, telling people to grow tf up. Who are you to judge? I'm just chilling with myself without causing trouble to others.

In bjyx point of view, we just adore & admire the beautiful & deep connection that both of these guys have. It's rare to have someone that you can click so well instantly in life. We wish to support them against all the odd. That's all.

Ironically, people who freely generalize about other groups get upset & butthurt if someone generalizes about a group that they belong to. The thing is - everyone is an independent individual & fully responsible for their own actions.This is why it's important to mind our own business & stay in our own lane.

Back to your statement. Delusional fans. I'm not actually delusional. I'm very self-aware as a person. In fact, I started as someone who's neutral. It's for my own self-satisfaction to feed my curiosity. I've always been the kind that will find & dig further to know something better. It's my personal trait. I'm not blindly being a delusional fan without basis and accept every rumors I heard about them. I do observations, selectively choosing, analyzing & eventually come to a conclusion. So here I am.

If you claim us to be delusional, you can say whatever you want because your opinion doesn't represent or reflect us. Just a side note, I don't agree with those fans who are intentionally keep overanalyzing these two with every single thing they do each time. People may get annoyed by it. I can see where it's coming from. They are two different individuals with distinct originality & identity. Hence, I only believe in whatever solid reasons I personally chose & filtered to trust.

It's not my job to convince you that they're real & it's not your job to judge, raise doubts & throw hateful comments in what I believed in. No need to make others feel bad & depressed further with your painful remarks. This world is cruel enough to live in. We don't need to be liked but respecting us is not an option. Be kind.

Yes. Yibo removed it from his bio. So what? To be honest, I don't really care much about it. Friendly reminder. He removed not only the untamed but he removed ALL his dramas. Seriously, I don't see any issue. If anything, I would be grateful to Yibo for keeping the untamed there for so long.

Let me remind you of the scene where wei weixuan is forced into a situation with practicing demonic cultivation is his only option to protect himself & survive. Again, everyone is being so judgmental towards him, only to find out later- the real reason why he chose that path. My point is, don't assume something as if we know everything. Anything people put out to share is calculated. You're allowed to see things that they ONLY ALLOW you to see.

What do you mean by these shippers harming actual people? There are plenty pictures everywhere during Yuehua concert, the whole arena was mostly filled with bjyx fans led lights, yellow, green & red- all coming to support Yibo. Not only concert, they've been continuously supporting both of them in other projects and events in the past until today.

'True' fans won't bring any harm to the artist no matter how good their intention is. Boycotting isn't the answer. It brings more damaged to the artist than good.

Tell me. Who's gonna be there if it's not for them?

Credits to respective owners. I don't own anything.

Yibo. Did they really bring harm to you?

Credits to respective pic owners.

Really? What were you looking at?

Credits to respective pic owners.

Few things to ponder:

If either xiao zhan or yibo hates bjyx & don't want any fans to associate them with each other, they would've addressed this many years ago to stop. Like how they made clear stand to some of other cps & supertopics. If you ask me for proof, again, you can just find them through my reblog posts. You can easily see them right away. That is, if you really care to read & bother to know.

Let me use back your words- It's been 4 years since the show finished- but the fandom is still standing strong & able to fill in the whole arena. Just to highlight, xiao zhan & yibo have zero public interaction together since the past few years but the numbers of new bjyx fan is still continue growing until today. The irony. How is this possible? For what reason? The normal cp fandom will eventually dies down once the main actors moving to the new project in the same year. Do you ever wonder what's the reason behind this fandom to stay this long for years? Both of them don't have any same project, no collaboration together. No promotion. Literally nothing. Then how? Funny isn't it?

It still remains mystery to think of why until today, xz & yibo never clarify & make statements to clear the air that they are just close friends. They can easily shut down the fandom in one go. Doesn't it bother you to be shipped with your own close friend for years if it's not the case? Well I do.

Also, why bjyx fans were not banned from entering the venue? Why their banners & led lights were allowed to go in? This is a sign that the existence of this fandom has never been denied. Or wait. Has this bjyx fandom been acknowledged indirectly?

People may find comfort in stanning both of them. Probably, it's the only source of joy in life to some. We never know. Don't be such an asshole trying to kill it. Spread love. Not hate.

Thanks anon for giving me the opportunity to rant :)

[lostheretics]

PLOT TWIST (5)

▸ chapter 5: the rise of the new boss

pt. 1 || pt. 2 || pt. 3 || pt. 4 || pt. 5

✵ cast : jung wooyoung x fem!reader, kim hongjoong, lee juyeon, kim younghoon, ateez, mentioned oc and many kpop artists name or group

✵ genre : romance, marriage life, eventual angst, smut, mafia!au, non idol!au

✵ summary : there was a saying that learning is a lifelong process. what will you learn about the underworld, the first time you stepped into it? you might have what they call a beginner’s luck, but will that be enough for the things you’ll be facing soon?

✵ notes : stopped counting on how many words but i try to make it lengthy as possible. thanks for waiting, to those whoever awaits i guess. i was thinking of making a taglist for this fic. taglist will be used for updates; ANY updates regarding PT. just drop ur @ in my askbox. also, PLS REBLOG.

WARNINGS BELOW CUT

☒ warnings: none for now but do remind me if there’s one. a lil bit of discrimination from wooyoung but not in a bad way (kinda, but not that bad)

☒ i do not condone mafia acts nor any acts that goes against the law at all. everything mentioned are just purely fiction, made to entertain myself and fellow readers in this particular platforms.

☒ do not repost this on any other platform without my permission!

✓ reblogging, liking, and commenting this post in tumblr (through comment or askbox) are very much appreciated.

you believe in destiny, fate, universe, whatever they’re called. you put your whole faith in it. you trusted them and their work, putting one and one together to make to or even ten. after all, it's also the one reason you and wooyoung beat all odds and be together.

but not to this extent. you refused to believe it.

to believe the pair of arms that caught you just days before became the arms that lead you in a dance session. to believe the same pair of brown eyes to look at you once more. to believe that the stranger who helped you when you almost faint, in work, embarrassingly, is to be the one you work with. your new goal.

cue the famous line from that one song, what kind of fuckery is this?

“you seemed so quiet for someone who’s looking for an ally.”

uhm, because i’m fucking flabbergasted? too stunned to speak?

“i hope you don’t plan on running away, again.” he added, “i just wanna get to know you.”

you laughed nervously, “of course not, sir- uh, mr. kim,” you stuttered, “i don’t know how to properly address you.”

he twirled you before catching you in his arms again. “mr. kim would suffice for now. though i hope we’ll get close enough in the future to be on first name basis.” younghoon said. “and how should i address you? miss y/n? mrs. jung?”

“anything’s fine mr. kim.”

the dance continued.

it was a moment where you could finally savor, or, to put it less romantically and more professionally, it was a moment where you could finally take a good look on the man.

kim younghoon's name has been there for some time, but little was known about his private life. typical of the seoul kims. his business life, however, is the talk of the town.

he never failed in pursuing his business endeavors, alongside his brother. not a single dirt on his name was found despite him still being young in the field. the kim brothers; kim younghoon himself and his younger brother kim seokhun were every parents dream on a child, especially one with a family business.

his soft brown eyes were ones you'll never forget. they were so soft, unlike the ones you saw all your life; dull, full of hatred, and all that bad stuff. and the way his eyes smiled along when he smiled... you thought, a man this soft and pure-looking shouldn't be working in this part of the world.

"juyeon sent you to work with me, but i know he wanted more than just that." younghoon muttered. his hard gaze was evident despite him not looking at you, opting to scan the room.

"he wanted something regarding my family."

"mr. lee sent me to work with you, yes. we're grateful that he even mentioned our name and recommending us to you. however, he did so because he believed my group's main business is in the same field as yours, and that it'll make more sense." you said, ever so carefully while studying his face. you took a bold move, putting your body closer to his while strengthening your hold on his shoulder.

"but, regardless of that, i would truly like to work with you, mr. kim. my group wishes to. i'd like to try it with you, and i hope you can make good use of ateez in the future, as well as lending a hand for us to step further, higher, and better in the business." you declared. "i'm not blind. i know what's happening between your family and the lees, and i don't have a say in it at all. but i would like for you to consider work between ateez and the kims, unrelated to any of the lees." you reassured.

and lastly, for the cherry on top, you stared straight on his eyes, pleading.

"give us the chance to prove ourself, mr. kim."

younghoon just stared at you, while his brain processed everything you just said. you were right, the kims main business in the medicine field were compatible with kang industries that yeosang ran with his sister. that alone could be a reason for the both of you to actually talk business with each other.

he was a businessman after all, any chance is worth something if you pursue it first.

the music stopped, meaning the dance session ended. clapping sounds were heard all over the hall. you took your hands off of younghoon's, bowing at the said man.

you thought it just ended like that, but it took you by surprise when younghoon took your hand in his, raising your knuckles to his lips before landing a gentlemanly kiss ok the back of your hand. his eyes never left you when he sent you a soft smile.

"i'll have my secretary invite ateez for a business talk. as soon as the gala ends" he stated, before continuing, "it was a nice dance, mrs. jung."

"party's done. everyone retreating in ten."

wooyoung chugged down his champagne while scanning around the room, giving nods to every member in his sight as a sign. he greeted the rest of his acquaintance, before leaving the scene.

just as he was about to exit the hall, a hand landed on his shoulder, stopping him in his track. a once scowl on his face turned into a friendly smile when he turned around and was greeted by seo changbin.

"my man, binnie!" he gave the buff man a hug, not to mention a tap on his back. "what's up?"

"not much. are you guys leaving already?" he asked while looking around, noting some ateez members already heading out of the hall. he clicked his tongue in an unapproved manner. "it's still early, though. how am i gonna catch up with my best friend?" he lightly pouted.

"the only thing you'll catch is these hands if you ever do that thing again." wooyoung jested, and changbin only laughed.

once the laugh died down, he took a step closer to wooyoung, lowering his voice as he watched around.

"got some words from chan. mind sparing me some time?"

wooyoung lifted his wrist to watch the time. he still got eight minutes left. he nodded at changbin before leading the man away from the crowd, opting for a quieter side of the hall just by its door.

"what's up? business doing okay?" he asked.

changbin only shrugged, "it's fine. work here and there, cusses, blood, what's new?" then he raised his hand to rest on wooyoung's shoulder. "congrats to ateez, by the way." he complimented.

he then stated, "it's the talk of the town right now, you know? the fact that ateez, a gang took down a royal family, by a new member no less. i'm talking about your wife, mrs. jung y/n." changbin chuckled lightly when he saw a change in wooyoung's expression, a cocky smirk along with a subtle red tint on his cheeks. a sense of pride rose within wooyoung.

"a good catch they say."

wooyoung almost giggled. "damn right. thanks for the words though,"

done with the chitchat, changbin cleared his throat as he turned to wooyoung.

"chan said he met your wife at some casual networking party just a couple months ago, hongjoong did the introduction. safe to say he was intrigued." wooyoung turned his head to changbin upon his choice of words.

lifting a brow, he chuckled. "same thing happened to me before i married her."

changbin clicked his tongue, "not in that way, of course." he objected, slightly cringing over the thoughts of his boss creating a drama worthy act like that. "you know chan, you've heard about it, right? that he rarely missed when it comes to judging someone, especially the businessmen or women."

"i've heard some of it. and what about it?"

"the other day he sort of said something about y/n and talents, that she could be a big thing soon. and surprise, surprise, not long after that the news came like a fucking thunder, a shock to everyone and especially chan. ateez was about to lose but she just casually lifted you up and took down the whole family."

checking at his watch, he quickly pointed out. "so, what does he want exactly?"

"chan's got an info. an inside job. new weapon supplies and exchanges, i'm talking new types and big money. the job's too big to take for us alone and he already thought of making a collaboration between our team since ateez got a good capo, and you got mingi and yunho on weaponries. your reputations preceded you," he exhaled, before continuing. "but ever since he met y/n and heard of the news, he wanted to go even further. chan wants y/n in the job. with your captain's permission, of course, but he wants her to directly sit on the table where he and hongjoong will be. chan wanted me to tell you that, and he hopes to hear good answers from hongjoong."

by the time changbin was done with his explanations, wooyoung was already stunned. he was taken aback at the fact that you rose so quick to be able to catch other's attention. he was slightly agape, eyes widened. to be able to stand beside hongjoong, to sit right next to him is to be next to the captain by rank. though unofficial, the conversation itself could be a proof that you're an equal to seonghwa and yeosang.

you had him floored, truly.

"could you please try to put some words to hongjoong? chan really wants this." changbin's plead broke wooyoung's train of thoughts.

he nodded lightly. "i'll see what i can do," he promised the man.

he lifted his wrist once more. seeing the time had passed, he took a step back. "i have to go now. i'll let you know of the outcome soon."

"wait!" changbin almost yelled, stopping wooyoung on his track.

"what?" he asked. changbin hurriedly walk to wooyoung as his hands dug around his suit pocket. upon finding the item, he quickly put the piece of paper in wooyoung's pocket.

"i almost forgot." changbin moved closer towards wooyoung and whispered, "come to the show. capos business. yeonjun found a new spot, some rough diamonds ready to be trained if you're recruiting new members."

he stepped back, tapping on wooyoung's pocket before retreating.

"thank me later."

“they’re leaving the premises, sir.”


the minion retreated, leaving juyeon and his champagne on the balcony. his eyes watched as a couple of cars left his mansion, particularly the last car that carried you and your husband.

it was something that he used to love to do with his father; watching people come and go. the only difference were his father is no longer around, and that it has become his job.

upon watching the way you sway in the dress he gave, hand in hand with your husband as you got in the car, he gripped on his glass harder as he tried to breathe, not even realizing he was holding his breath the entire time. there was this uneasiness, a storm brewing in the pit of his stomach. he didn’t believe in anything unworldly or superstitious, but he believed in himself. of what he sees, what he feels, what he understands.

it didn’t take long for him to saw power in ateez.

one that could endanger his, though he didn’t know the source nor the reason for it. for that, he’ll have to dig deeper.

“something’s coming.” he murmured, enough to be heard by another party standing behind him. he whispered again, “i can feel it in my bones.”

park jipsa, the one who stood behind him sighed, “are you afraid?”

“never.”

“then you’ll know what to do.”

if there ever was something brighter than the sun, it must’ve been hongjoong’s grin, pulled all the way back showing his pearly smiles you thought his skin would soon tear apart.

the man was practically beaming.

and you silently took pride in being one of the reason so.

“business looking good.”

“damn right it is.”

it was just you, hongjoong, seonghwa, and yeosang in the room. breakfast was done and group meeting ended, yet the ambitious man kept you around to discuss everything further. there were papers scattered, calls made, and coffees on the table.

“i’ve checked around,” yeosang chipped in, while rearranging the documents discussed for the meeting, “if we’re actually working with the kims, emphasize on if, if everything works, we’ll have easier access to some of our stuff, both importing and exporting. the drug development is looking good right now, and we’ll have much exposure with their help. we’re gonna make more money soon.”

“that sounds good, yeosang. great, actually.” hongjoong beamed, smiling at yeosang. the man stood near his desk, phone still in his hand, just finishing a deal went well.

seonghwa chuckled, “you feel good?”

“fuck yeah, hwa. yeah i feel good.” he almost screamed. “of course i feel good, everything’s looking good like this. and if it actually works i might do a somersault myself.”

“you look like you’re gonna do that now.”

you laughed along with the guys.

after pacing back and forth, energetically, and with happy thoughts one would assume the mafia leader might be a child trapped in a man’s body, hongjoong finally sat down. he tapped his fingers on the table, before finally making up his mind, pointing at each party around him.

“okay, here’s what. we have so much in our hands right now, but i’d like for everything to work out and i put my trust in you guys,” hongjoong stared at each of you, “i’m all in for you.”

he pointed at seonghwa. “i’m sending seonghwa to japan to settle down. you’ll be our representation there hwa, until i finish things in here. the most important thing is to make a powerful link to that family.” he said, moving to yeosang as soon as seonghwa nodded his head.

“yeosang, as usual with kang industries, but i want you to bring y/n around as a representative too. she’s gonna be the link between us to the kims and drug business, so it’s good for the both of you.”

you and yeosang couldn’t help but to stole glances, surprised by the mission but acknowledging each other still.

hongjoong raised his phone, tapping it several times before speaking again, “wooyoung got words from chan last night, and chan just made a call this morning. he wants a collaboration between our group for a job. there are new weapons coming in, big job. chan’s got his hand on it but figured it’d be too big to handle alone, but dangerous if handled by too many. so we’re in, and i’m also taking y/n in this, per chan’s request.”

he turned to you. “you’re gonna have so much in your hands this time, you know this right?”

you nodded.

“but with stray kids, you’ll just be a spectator on the table. i’ll handle the big game with chan. i want you to focus more on the kims and kang industries. your main job right now is the kims. do you understand?”

“yes.”

“good.”

birds fly fast.

but the rumors flew faster in this house.

it didn’t take long for everyone in this house to find out about you. and your new… job. or perhaps rank. a housewife turned… consigliere? underboss? hongjoong hasn’t give you an official rank within the group yet. however it didn’t take a genius to see how high up your position were.

you’re working straight with yeosang, second in command in ateez next to seonghwa, ateez’s face and representative in the outside world. your job was as important as seonghwa’s, hongjoong’s righthand man, the underboss of ateez. each of every job you’ve done you’d report back straight to hongjoong, and hongjoong took you almost everywhere he goes.

on top of that, you’ve been giving counsels to hongjoong even before you had your debut in the underworld.

you’re as good as a consigliere, just not officially, yet.

there was contentment, of course, yet it also comes with burdens. one that you fear you wouldn’t be able to bear. but you will do your best, for your family. for wooyoung. to make him proud.

and he couldn’t be more proud of you.

wherever ateez goes, wherever he goes, he wouldn’t stop gushing about you every time someone brought your name up. lowkey, of course. just to make sure everyone knows you’re his wife. that you’re great, yes, but you’re definitely off limits.

exactly like tonight.

he eyed the piece of paper in his hand, before eyeing the traditional restaurant in front of him. it was a small, dimly-lit building. an old woman walked around, delivering orders though not much, as they didn’t have much customers for the night.

he fished out his phone out from his pocket, typing a name before pressing the call button.

“hello?” changbin’s voice rang through his speaker.

“i’m outside. are you sure this is the place?” wooyoung asked, throwing glances with yunho, jongho, and san behind him.

“it’s a small restaurant, right? did you see the old lady?”

“yeah? and?”

changbin chuckled, “just get in. take a seat, and when she asked for your order, just ask her if mr. kim’s soju is on the menu today. come fast, the match’s about to start.” and with that, changbin hanged up.

putting his phone back on his pocket, he whisked his head, signaling the boys to enter the place with him. they took a table, and before long, the old lady came to their table, asking for their orders. wooyoung looked around, making sure no one’s hearing them, before getting closer to the lady.

“is mr. kim’s soju on the menu today?”

the old lady just smiled and nodded. “it’s stored just right there. come along and pick for yourself, young man.”

that’s how they got into the hidden basement deep under the ground, by an elevator just behind the fridge in the kitchen.

when the elevator stopped, changbin was standing in the hallway. he greeted them with a smile, shaking wooyoung’s hand firmly.

“cool place, right?” he quipped, then shook hands with jongho, yunho, and san.

changbin led them further into the basement. even from the hallway, rough noises were already heard, and it got louder as they got closer.

illegal fights weren’t a secret anymore. but as they got deeper, more secluded, the more blood got spilled, the more animalistic the fighters get, the bigger the prize. this is where the mafias recruit new members, new associates.

the rings were surrounded by rough looking men, some older, some younger. the fighter on the ring looked all bloody and bruised, but still standing on their feet fighting for their life. hollers here and there, nothing new.

they all took a table not far from the ring. yeonjun and beomgyu were seen, along with jisung and jeongin. they greeted each other.

“the consigliere’s husband!” yeonjun quipped with a playful tap on wooyoung’s back. wooyoung chuckled. with pride, of course.

“so what’s the hype?” wooyoung asked, half yelling to catch yeonjun’s attention. the lad pointed his finger to each rings, getting himself close to wooyoung and the others.

“gems. lots of them,” he yelled, pointing at one of the ring, “see that guy over there?” he asked, pointing at a tall man, not buff, but muscular and calculative enough to look not so affected while his opponent looked like he’s about to faint.

yeonjun spoke again, “he’s an ex NIS agent. i think he got ousted, betrayed, whatever. and that’s just one of the few. there are other fighters, former gang members, ex police, ex NIS, ex professionals— whatever we’re looking for. so take a pick!” he said, before continuing.

“but be careful, they also might be onto something if they go this deep. either all in or all out.”

the pungent smell of blood was nothing new, combined with the smell of sweat of all people, burnt cigarettes, liquors of all kinds. in fact, none of them seemed to be distracted by any of the smell, the sound, or even the people who were drunk off their minds falling around them.

their eyes, especially wooyoung’s were focused on each ring or around the room, scanning all within the room trying to find new recruits or maybe new connections.

a bell was heard, a ring near them just announced a winner before quickly moving on. a pair of new fighters stepped onto the ring, one of them a rough looking men, presumably already fought a fight before this one, and his opponent…

…a woman?

her hair was tied up, cuts and bruises here and there but not enough to disguise her beauty. physically she’s far smaller than the man, less muscular, yet she hold no fear in her eyes.

“what’s a pretty girl doing in this hellhole?” wooyoung murmured,

right before the girl ducked down and punched his opponent right on his chest, hard enough to make him cut his breath. then landed a punch to his right cheek, followed by his left cheek. and a final kick to his head, quickly sending the man to his sleep, hopefully not an eternal one.

and that’s how she won the game.

not to mention leaving wooyoung speechless. that was a quick game. and she looked like a gem. a fighter like that would make jobs easier, faster, and more efficient.

he was deep in his thoughts, until san nudged him, “are you seeing what i’m seeing?”

wooyoung looked back at san, observing his line of sight, only to bring his eyes back to the said woman.

a gem in sight indeed.

“her?”

“yes, her. we need her. i want her. we gotta take her.” he mouthed. he then pulled wooyoung by the shoulder, and proceeded to stare into wooyoung’s eyes with the most serious look he could muster. “seriously wooyoung, i can’t handle this charmer—grifter shit alone anymore. we need a charmer. and i mean it.”

“san, we’re on budget and we’re here to look for a bodyguard—“ he was about to state but san had cut him off.

“did you not see the way she threw that punches? she can be a bodyguard. she is muscle.”

“yes, but—“ wooyoung hesitated, “i don’t know man, a lady bodyguard?”

san gasped. “that’s discrimination, what the fuck?”

“not in that way!” wooyoung bit back, “i don’t know man, i’m just not sure. she’s all great, it’s just—”

“but what?” san pressed.

san wasn’t wrong, they do need a charmer. san was the only charmer ateez had— they do have others, just not as good as san, hence the lad had to do most jobs by himself. the last time they had a good charmer other than san, but they got killed in action.

being a grifter, a charmer, he did get to know most thing and even on the deeper part of the underworld. any place he want, anyone, he could get through anything, most of the times. but ultimately, he was fed up. doing what he did best alone might finally took a toll on him.

so with the hard look, now turned puppy eyes, there was no way wooyoung could say no to san, the charmer himself.

he sighed. “you know what? fuck that. go and get her if you want.”

there were probably fireworks bursting behind san’s eyes, that’s the only logical reason (though far from logic itself) for the sparkle in his eyes. choi san quickly bolted away from the table, adamant on getting and recruiting the woman.

wooyoung, with yunho and jongho on the other hand sticked to the main plan; find new muscles to recruit. yeonjun, changbin and their own gang were soon scattered around the basement with their own mission to accomplish. jongho was still looking around, and yunho was still seen talking to the possible recruits.

wooyoung was just talking to one of the possible recruit, giving them his business card when san pulled him away to a corner. he kept guiding on wooyoung with this grin on his face, pushing him around until wooyoung finally faced the lady they’ve been talking about.

“so this is wooyoung,” san made the intro, “he’s our trainer, supervisor, and not to mention my best friend. and we—” he stepped back behind wooyoung, “—are interested in taking you in with us.”

taking a good look in the closer distance, she looked even better. her skin looked soft, save some scratches and scars here and there, but they were mostly healed leaving just a white mark. her eyes were brown, and like when she was on the ring, had this striking look.

this one’s definitely a charmer. she just needs to be guided, and they got a perfect teacher for her. stretching his hand out, wooyoung offered her a formal handshake.

“wooyoung.”

she watched his stretched hand for a while. the unsure glint in her eyes started to flicker along the time, and she finally took wooyoung’s hand.

“son jiwoo.”

the tall, black door seemed so big and scary.

despite it being just a plain door to a restaurant.

you might think it’s the door, but a part of you knew more than that. that wasn’t just a door you had to pass, a restaurant you must enter.

kim younghoon was waiting somewhere in that restaurant for you. this was going to be your first meeting with younghoon, and you gotta make sure it’s going well. this is your first big mission, as a member of ateez.

you straighten your floral dress, fixing any possible crease before stepping inside. a waiter came to your aid, giving their best smile, “may i help you?”

you smiled back. “i have a reservation, with mr. kim younghoon. is he here?”

the waiter smiled even wider, “ah, madam! yes, mr. kim has been waiting for you. let me take your jacket.” they spoke, as they pulled your jacket off of you. “if you please follow me, madam.”

the waiter guided you to a table near the glass window, where you found younghoon sitting in a formal, yet casual look. the white fitted top and light brown pants. upon the announcement of your arrival, kim younghoon turned his head, offering you a smile so bright. the gentlemen even stood up, pulling your seat for you instead of letting the waiter do that for you.

“you look nice.” he complimented.

“and you more. i thought the suits were your best look, but these? gorgeous.”

he chuckled, “trying to charm me straight away, i see.”

“yes, but some truth can’t be hidden for too long. i also have to charm my future colleague for a chance, right?” you quipped back, earning a soft laugh from younghoon.

“you’re straightforward. i like it, it’s also the way that i am and used to.” he said. he laid back to his chair, looking at you before asking, “a straightforward man gotta speak his mind, am i right?”

“yes they do, i suppose.”

he took your answer in silence. he looked out through the window, watching the bright afternoon sky and people on the street,, seemingly deep in thoughts. gone were the light atmosphere when you got there.

then younghoon spoke one sentence and a question. the easiest way to phrase and conclude your whole mission.

“i know juyeon sent you to fix things between our families. correct?”

upon the sudden intrusion, your body froze for a second. your lips almost quivered, letting out broken words, having nothing to come up with. kim younghoon fired a bullet and it hit right on the bullseye. and he didn’t even mention anything about anything work related, despite that being one of your most important reason to pursue him.

younghoon’s eyes were back on you, and you had no choice but to spit the truth out.

“yes, you’re right, mr. kim,” you sighed, but not yet defeated. “and i’m aware of… the gap between your families, that it’s not in a good condition.”

“how much did you know?”

“that your family was a supporter to lee jiyoung back when the war was happening.” you stated.

he clicked his tongue, “i wish it was as easy as that, mrs. jung.” he sighed as he leaned back onto his chair.

“i wish to help in many ways, mr. kim. in this way, because juyeon sent me for this reason. but other than that, a work with your family is what my family aim for. a personal gain. both, or one of them is enough for me and i’m willing to do the job.” you told him, straightforwardly. “is there something i can do to fix this?”

“to fix the gap between the lees and kims? i don’t know, mrs. jung. i’m not sure if there’s a way at all,” he shrugged.

but he quickly added in, “but, regarding ateez and my family, i think we both have a chance for that. i’ve spoken with my father, and maybe, just maybe, if this works, we’ll consider juyeon’s purpose of… mending the two families. now the question remain; would you take the job, and could you do it well?”

“i’m willing to try and do my best for anything.”

“anything?”

“anything.”

the man smiled, grinning almost. “then it starts now.” he said. younghoon raised his hand, catching the sight of a waiter.

entrees were served, followed by main dishes. younghoon and you talked about each other, and he talked a lot about himself.

how he and his brother were raised in england, before moving at the age of 15 back to korea. he went to university, took classes in law school before graduating, not only from a prestigious uni but also with honors. since that, he’s been helping his father around along with his brother regarding their family business, as they’re the ones who’s going to take their father’s place place someday.

kim younghoon was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

yet he seemed far from those whiny nepo babies who fed themselves off of their father’s pocket, but act like they rule the whole world. his family’s money might back him up, but he ruled his own brain, branding himself as the smart and hardworking guy from a wealthy family who could lead even without his father’s hand in the matter.

in short, he’s a man that everyone dreams to become.

the conversation went smooth up until dessert was served. you couldn’t help yourself but to blurt out, “so, what’s the job? when am i gonna do it?”

“oh, we’re actually doing it right now,” he quipped, putting another slice of cake into his mouth.

“what?”

younghoon didn’t say anything, only flicking his hand to call for the waiter. the waiter soon came with a bright smile as they put a velvet box right in front of you. not forgetting to say what a lucky woman to have a partner like that.

a partner?

you were still not functioning perfectly, still deep in your thoughts and confused even when younghoon pushed the velvet box towards you. “open it.” he said.

“mr. kim, i— i’m, i’m not sure i—“ you had stuttered, but he silenced you up.

“just open the box.”

per his command, your hands moved to open the box. upon the first touch, you could feel the soft velvet under your fingers, quickly understanding the high quality of the box, and perhaps, the item within it. curiosity might kill the cat, but not you, you believed as you opened the box and found a piece of necklace within it. a pearl necklace stared back at you from that box.

wordlessly, younghoon stood up. he took the necklace out of its box before bringing it near your neck. his hands softly moved your hair to the side, and you quickly responded by bunching your hair in your fist, giving him access to your bare neck. as he put on the necklace, he lowered his lips next to your ear.

“you’ll find a woman to your right, dressed in all green. she’s mrs. han, a socialite in gangnam and wife to mr. han, one of the most important people in the ministry of health,” he whispered to you, “she knows me, and might’ve been watching us since the beginning. she has a daughter around our age and she had been wanting to… arrange a marriage between our families.”

“and my job is…?”

finishing on putting the necklace on, younghoon simply smiled to you. “…to be my partner. fiancee, girlfriend, whatever. to put on a show. i don’t want to be engaged in that way, but i have a brother and he’s willing to do that in my stead,”

“there’s an upcoming socialite party, and a little birdie told me you’re quite… persuasive,” he started to explain, “if you can get us an invitation, put some good words and convince her to make an arrangement between her daughter and my brother, you’ll have your way with my family. you see, we need this connection. a connection with her husband makes it easier for our drug business, even in exporting and importing. mr. han is one of the man ruling the country. prove yourself, and my father promises to invite you for a dinner, to talk about future business with ateez. even with the lees. and the offer’s still up even though you only succeeded in securing an invitation for us to the party.”

he straightened his back, offering his hand to you, “there’s still a chance to back out.”

you weren’t sure, but you shook your head and took his hand, “i won’t.”

younghoon smiled, almost so brightly, a quick change from his previous hard demeanor. he landed a long lasting kiss on the back of your hand, another added shock to you. you almost stuttered and about to pull your hand when he spoke,

“the necklace looks dashing on you, sweetheart.” he almost purred, shocking you.

“kim younghoon?”

the latter’s voice stopped you from pulling away. younghoon simply turned to the lady who called his name, giving her a smile.

“mrs. han,” he greeted back, bowing slightly, “good to see you again.”

mrs. han only chuckled, “then you should’ve visit me more often. i haven’t seen you around in any of my gatherings.” she looked behind younghoon, at you. “and i certainly have never seen this lovely lady with her lovely necklace around.” she quipped.

younghoon gave his hand for you to take, and you did, standing up from your seat next to him. “let me introduce you to my fiancee, y/n. she’s the reason i’m not around much, mrs. han. you can blame her for it.” he once again kissed your hand in a cheeky manner, and you giggled following his act. “i can’t seem to get her out of my life.” he continued.

you bowed slightly to the lady, offering her a sweet smile. “my name is y/n, pleasure to meet you mrs. han. younghoon told me many things about you.” you introduced yourself.

“all the good things, i hope.”

“don’t worry ma’am, he made me think you’re a great woman. and it shows now.”

she laughed, feeling content with your answer.

“and he didn’t forget to tell me how much of a good host you are for your party.” you smirked, starting your mission.

by the time you came home, it was almost midnight. you knew wooyoung would’ve fallen asleep by then, so you tiptoed your way into your room, with your heels in your hands.

your heart almost jumped out of your chest when the light suddenly turned on.

“where have you been?”

“shit, woo!” you cussed while holding your chest, almost panting. “baby? why aren’t you sleeping?”

wooyoung sat on the edge of your bed with his arms folded as he stared at you. “obviously, i was waiting for you.” he deadpanned, “you know i couldn’t sleep without you. so where have you been?”

you exhaled, feeling guilty that you left the man waiting for until midnight, completely forgetting the existence of modern phones and to tell him of your whereabouts. “oh, baby,” you walked up to him, cradling his face in your palms.

“i’m so sorry i made you wait,” you kissed his forehead, “i had lunch with kim younghoon, and he gave me a task. i spent the whole day planning and then reporting to hongjoong, and we had a last minute meeting with stray kids. i should’ve told you, that’s my mistake,” you explained. wooyoung sighed defeatedly, finally accepting your apologies. he circled his hands on your waist.

“it’s okay.” he muttered.

you told him to get ready for bed, while you freshen up in the bathroom, finally ready to end the night. your body felt warm, being in your comfiest pajamas, and your heart follows when you saw wooyoung on bed tucked nicely under the blanket, with his arm stretched out welcoming you in his embrace.

“how was today’s scouting?” you asked with a small voice.

“it was okay,” he answered, listing the things he had done. “got some new muscles that i gotta train. met yeonjun and changbin. and… oh!” he gasped, making you look up to him.

“what is it?”

“you know, me and san found this girl while scouting, she was badass,” he said and you could practically see the sparks in his eyes, “she fought this buff man in like, 5 seconds, though i think the man was more of muscle than skills, but isn’t that cool? san wanted her so bad he ran straight to her after the fight.”

“anyways i didn’t want to scout her at first but san would probably held me on a gunpoint if i refuse him—“ you both laughed, “—yeah right? so long story short we probably got ourselves a new charmer. i think san’s gonna teach her more, but i’ll still have to take part in physical training.”

you hummed, “san fell in love at the first sight, huh?”

wooyoung nodded, “i think i did too.”

you playfully hit his chest, making him wince dramatically as he held his chest.

“jung wooyoung! don’t you dare fall in love with her!” you threatened him. the bastard husband of yours grinned.

“are you jealous?”

“hm, i don’t know. what would you think if i hooked up with kim younghoon?”

“hey!” he whined, clearly not liking the idea of you and another man side by side. not even one bit. and that was something everyone know, and some even witnessed it with their own eyes, referring to your previous encounter with lee juyeon.

you laughed to his blatant jealousy, and maybe, seeing the smile in your face and the sound of your melodic laugh to his ears were the reason for him laughing along with you.

wooyoung pulled you close to his body, putting his chin on top of your head. the smell of your shampoo invaded his nose, and somewhat it relaxed him all the time. maybe it’s your shampoo, or maybe, it’s the fact that you’re close to him.

he breathes slowly, but you could hear his heart beating fast behind his chest. some things change, but you realize one thing stays the same; his heartbeat. whenever you put your head to his chest you always hear the same fast beat from his heart.

and you know yours beats the way his did.

“i can never love anyone else but you.”

his voice pierced through the silence as he murmured the words into your hair.

maybe it was his voice. maybe it was the sentence, the words. maybe it’s both things combined, the reason why you feel such warmth in your heart and the pleasant butterflies flying in your stomach. the combination of two simple things, yet magical enough for you to take it as a sign of love.

love.

you buried your face into his chest, trying to hide your smile. all you could say was, “i love you, woo.”

simple sentence that also warmed his heart.

to both lovers like you, those moment felt like it’s just you both against the world. in your vows; both in happiness or sadness.

“will i see you again?”

wooyoung suddenly asked. the nature of the question making you pull away from him, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

“what kind of question is that?” you asked back, looking up to his face.

he seemed doubtful, that was clearly painted all over his face, visible from his eyes, the way it glinted.

wooyoung sighed. “i don’t know. you have a job, so many things to do now that hongjoong trusts you. and i’m happy for you, baby, i truly do, it’s just—“ he hesitated for a while before continuing.

“it’s— what if you get busier? what if we get so busy that… that we can’t even share a proper meal together like we used to? what if we can’t see each other as much as we used to back when we have less things to do? what if i can’t even hug you in my sleep at night? what if—“

“—what if we changed so much and turn in a direction we don’t want?”

late night thoughts do bring the most genuine question. and his was a valid one.

it’s no secret that marriage, no matter how sweet, how hot or cold, can suddenly turn lukewarm, tasteless, or even turn sour over the time.

that would be a nightmare. one that can turn very real, in any time, near or far.

to imagine a tasteless marriage life with your passionate husband made you crawl closer to him, burying your face in his chest to seek more warmth. the more seconds went the more you appreciate his prescence. taking in everything you could.

just in case it’d be your last.

“i promise we won’t turn that way, my love. i’ll do anything to keep us together. keep us, keep you safe.” you murmured into his chest.

“you just have to promise to love me still. like this. even when times go rough, when it eats us inside out, body and soul. even with the last sparks of love you have for me, love me. until i’m not here beside you.” you continued. you felt suffocated, unconsciously the littlest sniffle got out of you with the tears. “you’re all i have, wooyoung.”

desperation in it’s truest form.

but it’s true, you have no one but your husband. no family, no nothing. not even a life, if it was not for the past, or the present, given by your husband and his kin. and now that you’ve associated yourself with them, you, who used to have nothing, now have something. and it fears you to imagine losing them.

to go back to the solitude you were in before.

hearing your cries crushed him. he tightened his hands around you, securing you in his grasp, giving you the most comfort one could give. he might regret the way he voiced out his concerns today, yet it was an important question within your relationship.

and a silent way to say that he fears of losing you, too.

“i’m here, baby. i love you,” he said, giving a peck on your hair,

“and i promise to keep that love for as long as i live.”

NOT EVEN HALFWAY BUT I STILL WANNA FINISH THE WHOLE THING. enjoy. both in reading and waiting uwu

also we’re getting closer to… the start of the angst.

[alannybunnue]

Daemon x Baratheon!reader

So Rhea ends up dying only a couple years after they married in an honest to gods accident around the time of the Great Council.

A year later, Daemon is married to baratheon!reader, who is Rhaenys cousin, to mend the relationship between the two houses. (House Baratheon supported Rhaenys as her mother was a Baratheon)

Daemon treats her slightly better than Rhea, if only due to the threatening of Rhaenys, but he still whores and refuses to bed her or sire children with her as he doesn't see her 1/4 Valyrian blood as being enough. (Alyssa Velaryon, mother of Jaehaerys, married into House Baratheon and was Rhaenys grandmother & great-grandmother)

It's not till a few years later, but long before Aemma dies, that things kinda change. During another council meeting where Viserys is urging Daemon to have heirs with his wife (prompted by Aemma having another fail pregnancy) that Otto makes a comment that 'perhaps the issue lies with the Prince as women from her mother's line are of know fertility (or whatever)' implying that Daemon is impotent. Viserys doesn't disagree, sitting an accident in Daemon's youth as a possibility.

Out of spite, Daemon goes to Dragonstone, where he more or less abandoned his wife and beds her. He doesn't leave until her pregnancy is confirmed before leaving again, returning to old habits and only returning when she gives birth to name the child, and later once the maesters inform him she is healed enough to be bed again.

It becomes a routine of Daemon only coming to Dragonstone to either name their child or impregnant her with a new one. Even when he is exiled there, he rarely interacts with any of his kids (there are a few as he has a new one each year, and there is at least one set of twins) or his wife.

Really, he treats his baratheon!wife as a broodmare, and their children only exist to show off his virility to Viserys. He'll rarely acknowledge their existence, especially the ones who have their mothers' non valyrian features.

After Aemma dies, Viserys decides that Daemon has one chance of proving to him that he should be named heir officially.

He just has to prove himself as a father and husband first, and if he fails, then Viserys will name Rhaenyra heir and betroth her to his eldest son, while also permanently exileing him.

Now Daemon has to try to be a husband to the wife he humilated and ignored outside of when he used her as a broodmare, and be a father to children he doesn't know and never fully views as his.

(Extra angsty, the kids never got eggs or claimed dragons because Daemon didn't give them any, and they barely know any High Valyrian as they had no real teacher.)

First, how dare you make me have imagination for a story with Daemon?

Second, are you saying my baratheon girl is incompetent?? She would do everything so her kids learn everything they need. Also her children, since they live in fucking Dragonstone, they can claim the wild dragons. Now, she asks for Rhaenys and Viserys' help in the High Valyrian part.

Some aspects with the information given, if he waits until she is healed (40 days after she gave birth) then it would mean that her children have 11 to 12 months of difference. And her first child could be born in the first/second year of Viserys reign, so the boy would be 9-10 years old.

Now...let me work here

->

"You can't go to King's Landing, Baelon"

Lady ... Baratheon of Dragonstone, wife of Daemon Targaryen and the mother of 7 of his children, looks with sadness in her eyes at her eldest son, Baelon.

"I won't be there and you can't take care of Aegon and Aerea by yourself" - She says while carrying for her newborn daughter, Rhaenys.

"They don't need to go, i can go by myself on Viserion and return by night, also i know how to take care of myself" - The boy protested - "Please mother, this would be the first tournament that i get to watch and i haven't seen my uncle and my cousin in a while"

"Is this really about your uncle and Rhaenyra? Or you're just making excuses to see him?" - once the mother asked, the boy immediately tensed at the mention of his father.

"I am not 6 anymore, mother...i understand that my only value to Prince Daemon is as heir." - Baelon affirmed - "I just want to watch the tourney and go home."

Lady Baratheon looked at her son again, her little boy grew up to quickly due to his father's absence and had to endure years trying to prove himself to gain some recognition from the Rogue Prince. But was always dismissed, and now the boy made a vow to never wish for his father's approval.

Soon, Prince Baelon dismissed his mother and younger siblings to fly to King's Landing. In the sky, he encountered a familiar and smaller dragon with a girl of silver hair.

Both spotted each other and a race began, both flying to see who would get on the Dragon pit first.

The Winner was the Princess Rhaenyra, who got off Syrax with a proud smile as her cousin landed.

"Nicely done cousin" - Baelon greets the girl with a small smile - "Now i wasn't expecting you to accept this so easily, Baelon" - the princess says as the get closer to the carriage.

"Unlike others, i do accept when i am defeated. Which consequently makes me more mature than many" - He rubs it on her face.

Both soon greet the Lady Alicent Hightower and take the carriage to go to the Red Keep. Even with their difference in age, Rhaenyra and Baelon kept a good friendship over the years, with the Princess being like an older sister to him, although he couldn't deny one thing.

He hated how much his father preferred her over him and his siblings.

Once in the Keep, Baelon met with his aunt, the Queen Aemma, who was again heavily pregnant. That reminded him of his own mother, who was always pregnant countless of times, but unlike the Queen, she was alone.

The rest of the day was uneventful, he met with some other relatives of his, including Princess Rhaenys, who asked about his mother and siblings more out of worried than others.

By the morning of the next, the little prince, who was looking for his cousin, found himself in the doors of the small council, where a meeting was being settled, and his father was there.

As the guards stopped the boy from going any futher, they hear Prince Daemon say:

"I would gladly give Lady ... to you, Lord Hightower, if you are in need of a woman to warm your bed-"

The boy paralyzed at the mention of his mother's name, looking back at everything that he did, the Rogue prince had the audacity to proposed such a thing.

Baelon left without saying a word.

Walking around the halls with no where to go, he kept listening to those words over and over again, until his attention change once he stumbled on someone.

Lady Alicent.

"My apologies, my prince!" - She immediately apologized, while the boy shook his head - "No, i apologize, i wasn't paying attention to where i was going, my Lady"

"Where...Where you looking for prince Daemon? I think-" - the girl started - "No" - and the prince finished.

"...Are you alright? Rhaenyra has been worried about you, she said you've changed..." - Alicent questioned

"If she says that because i no longer run after my father like a small duck, then i am fine" - the boy answered, the Lady could see in his eyes that he was lying, but didn't question any futher as the boy left.

The tournament soon started in the next day, Baelon sat beside Alicent during the whole thing, as men would thrown each other out of their horses...like children.

And one of these children was Daemon, who seemed smug about it after almost killing the son of the Lord hand.

But by the end of it, Baelon felt satisfied by this, once his father lost to a mere knight from a smaller house, Criston Cole.

The boy kinda wished he was the one who did it, but he's still young to fight in tourneys.

Then tragedy came, the queen was dead after failing to give birth to her son, who also didn't make it. The whole situation bothered Baelon to his core, imagining that soon it could be his dear mother.

During the funeral, he stayed close to his cousin, noticing his father talking to her.

"I will never be a son" - She said in High Valyrian

"But you are all he has now" - Baelon answered in the same language- "You both need eachother"

The boy dismissed his father looking at him curiously.

He left that same day back to Dragonstone, where he told the unfortunate news to his mother, which also made him express his worry.

"I won't die of this Baelon" - His mother reassured him - "I have survived 9 pregnancies so far"

"Barely survived, you lost 2 siblings of mine, Rhaenys was a lucky star." - Baelon reminded her while sitting by the fire.

"But you know your father won't stop..." - She also reminded him

He didn't answer, he knew it was true, if Daemon wanted to make more children, he would, it didn't mattered if it risked his wife's life, he never loved Lady Baratheon.

Baelon returned to his daily tasks, his days returned to normal, until one afternoon, when he returned from training with his brother Aegon, to find Prince Daemon in one of the rooms together with a woman in a white dress and some members of the City Watch.

The young prince looked at the guard escorting him and his brother, Sir Edrik, and Aegon.

"Sir Edrik, please take my brother to our mother and the maester, i twisted his arm during training and he needs care." - He said, his brother looked at him confused for a second before understanding that he needed to be hurt to distract Lady Baratheon.

Once both were gone, Baelon looked back at the man he should call his father.

"My mother isn't fully healed yet, she should be in a few weeks." - The boy explained, hoping the man would go away.

"I am not here for that" - The Prince answered

"Then why are you here?" - Baelon asked

"I am the Prince of Dragonstone, and this is my home...with my family" - Daemon said, although his son heard a tone of mockery in his words.

"What family? You only have the King and princess Rhaenyra as family, the rest are just the offsprings that you made in the Baratheon girl..." - The boy said - "Or so the court said"

"Do you really care those cunts have to say?" - His father mocked - "No, but they only repeated what you said, isn't it?" - the boy replied

"It doesn't matter, you are still my son" - Daemon looked at boy, again, analyzing his appearance, he was the only one of his children with all the Valyrian features.

"Hah, you never acknowledged me in 9 years of my life, why now? Did the King threatened you or something?" - The answer to the boy's question was written on his father's face - "He did?...Now everything makes sense...Well, you are right, this is your home, so stay as much as you and that woman wish- Who is she? My mother's replacement?"

Baelon took this small moment to mock his father.

"Did you gave my mother to Lord Hightower, by the way? Do we need to move to Oldtown?" - Boy taunted him for final - "Welcome home, Prince Daemon."

The little prince left without another word.

[anonymousewrites]

Adolescent Antichrist (Book 4) Chapter Two

Father Figure! Lucifer x Teen! Reader

Chapter Two: Death Doesn't Give Me Panic Attacks Anymore

Summary: Chloe returns to Los Angeles, and (Y/N) tries to learn to fly.

            “No,” said (Y/N).

            “It would be educational,” said Lucifer.

            “Still no,” said (Y/N).

            “It could be interesting,” said Lucifer.

            “I’m not going to a crime scene with you just because you’re afraid to see Detective Decker, Dad,” said (Y/N).

            Lucifer sighed and straightened his jacket. “Very well. I’ll brave the stares myself, then. Hopefully she doesn’t try to shoot me to prove the issue.”

            (Y/N) groaned inwardly at his words. Damn, he probably will get into trouble… “Alright, alright, fine. I’m coming. But you owe me.”

            Lucifer brightened. “Of course. Whatever you want!” He was more than willing to spoil them.

            “I’m going to make your pockets hurt,” said (Y/N).

l

            “Go home, Lucifer,” said Dan, holding him back from entering the crime scene. He groaned when he saw (Y/N). “And take your kid home. Seriously, they shouldn’t be at a crime scene.”

            Your kid? Lucifer felt himself straighten at how natural it was for even others to acknowledge it.

            “In my defense, the previous times I was at a crime scene were unfortunate accidents,” said (Y/N).

            “Doesn’t matter, you’re not coming to this one,” said Dan. He looked back to Lucifer. “Chloe’s still not here, no matter how much you check, and we don’t need you, so…”

            “Regardless, I am still a consultant with the LAPD,” said Lucifer. “And, oh, yes, you have no authority over me whatsoever.”

            “Oh, yeah, right,” said Dan bitterly, brushing past Lucifer.

            “Dan doesn’t mean it,” said a young woman to Lucifer. “Losing Charlotte screwed him up really bad.” Her eyes fell on (Y/N), and she brightened. “Oh! Are you (Y/N)?” She jumped up and grinned.

            “I am,” said (Y/N).

            “I’m Ella! I’m in forensics,” she said excitedly. “It’s so great to finally meet you. Lucifer is always talking about you.”

            (Y/N) blinked and felt themself smile at the idea. Lucifer talked about me? “It’s nice to meet you, too.” They glanced at Lucifer.

            He avoided their gaze. Yes, he talked about them quite a bit. He was a proud father. They were his kid. They were incredible and strong and intelligent and everything great. Why wouldn’t Lucifer talk about (Y/N)?

            Lucifer cleared his throat. “Well, in regards to Dan, I understand, but I refuse to be the scapegoat he uses to blame. It’s a theme of my life.”

            “It’ll take all of us a while,” said (Y/N).

            “You knew Charlotte, too?” said Ella.

            “Yeah.” During and after Missy the Goddess took over her body. So a little complicated, there.

            “Well, personally, I’m still not straight with the Big Guy,” said Ella. “Not sure I ever will be.”

            “Well, His loss if so, Miss Lopez,” said Lucifer.

            Ella smiled before focusing on the case. “So, do you want the deets?” she said. She glanced at (Y/N). “Or, uh, should they go first?”

            (Y/N) glanced at the body. “I’ve seen worst.”

            “That sucks,” said Ella.

            “Yeah.” (Y/N) agreed wholeheartedly.

            “Well, actually, I didn’t want to give Dan the satisfaction, but, uh.” Lucifer stumbled over his words. “He’s right. I think it’s time I stop coming to crime scenes.”

            “You mean you’re done showing up, checking to see if Chloe’s here, and then heading out without helping at all?” said Ella knowingly, and (Y/N) rolled their eyes, wondering how often he’d been doing it before dragging them along.

            “Yes, it seems I’ve been holding onto false hope, it seems,” said Lucifer. “Quite foolish, really. That one day, she’d just stroll up behi—”

            “Hi, Detective,” said (Y/N), interrupting Lucifer. He jumped and turned. Chloe was standing behind him.

            “Hey. Sorry I’m late,” said Chloe to Ella.

            “Decker!” Ella hugged her tightly.

            “Detective?” said Lucifer in surprise and nervousness.

            “Hey, Detective,” said (Y/N).

            “Oh, my god! How was the vacation? I mean, where did you go?” said Ella. “Why are you not more tanned?”

            “Listen, I’ll catch you up on everything, I promise,” said Chloe. “But first, what’s happening?” She hadn’t even looked at Lucifer.

            “Oh, yeah,” said Ella. “Of course. So our victim is a fifty-five-year-old beekeeper named Bob Golbeck. Cause of death…honey scraper to the neck.” Ella continued, but no one was really paying attention.

            Lucifer continued staring at Chloe and how normal she acted, and she glanced at him as if confused. Then she noticed (Y/N).

            “Lucifer…why did you bring (Y/N) to a crime scene?” said Chloe.

            “I’m doing fine,” said (Y/N). “Death doesn’t give me panic attacks anymore. I’m desensitized.”

            “Detective. Are you…okay?” said Lucifer.

            “Yeah, I’m fine,” said Chloe.

            Huh. (Y/N) cocked their head.

            Lucifer didn’t buy it. “So, where did you go?”

            “Oh, uh, I took Trixie to Europe,” said Chloe. “And we traveled around and…well, you know…” She glanced at (Y/N) uncertainly. “It gave me time to process what I saw.”

            “And have you…processed?” said Lucifer. “Are-are you okay with what you saw? Are you okay with me?”

            “Well, it’s not like you haven’t always told me the truth,” said Chloe. “You know? So…I think, deep down. I just, I always knew.”

            “Good for you,” said (Y/N). Chloe’s eyes snapped to them. “I mean, it didn’t take me that long to get over it, but still, I guess it is a shock for a lot of people.”

            “You…know?” said Chloe in surprise.

            “Yeah, before he even fostered me,” said (Y/N) with a shrug as if being brought in by the devil was a normal occurrence. They crossed their arms and looked at Lucifer. “And now that you don’t have a reason to by shy, I’m heading out.”

            “Alright, be careful getting back to the penthouse,” said Lucifer.

            “Yeah, yeah,” said (Y/N), but they were smiling. “I’ll see you, Dad. And don’t forget you still owe me!” They walked off before Lucifer could disagree.

            Chloe looked between Lucifer and (Y/N) as they walked away. They truly weren’t shaken at Lucifer’s identity. They had known for years. And Lucifer was gentle with them, kind, a real father. (Y/N) had even called him “Dad.”

            Lucifer really didn’t seem too devilish.

l

            “Oh, good, you’re back,” said Em, waiting for (Y/N) in the doorway of the penthouse.

            “Decker didn’t freak out seeing Lucifer,” said (Y/N). “So I wasn’t that needed.”

            “You’re still going to squeeze him for cash, aren’t you?” said Em. (Y/N) smirk was devilish, and Em sighed. “You do know he’d spoil you for no reason, right?”

            “Yeah, but this is more fun,” said (Y/N).

            “Well, I really hate to ruin your fun, but I’m stealing you now,” said Em sarcastically.

            “Huh?” said (Y/N).

            “You haven’t been working your abilities,” said Em. She put her hands on her hips. “And unfortunately, I have to pick up your slack.”

            “Wrong, I have been working my umbrakinesis,” said (Y/N).

            “Have you even looked at your wings recently, though?” challenged Em. At (Y/N) silence, they rolled their eyes. “Right. Come on. There’s a bus leaving in ten minutes for some towns outside of Los Angeles. We’ll head there and practice.”

            “Practice?” said (Y/N).

            “Yeah. To fly,” said Em.

            (Y/N) groaned. “What do I need to fly for?”

            “You have wings. You could use them instead of making them useless,” shot back Em.

            (Y/N) scowled. “Why are you teaching me? You can’t fly.”

            “It’s me or Lucifer,” said Em.

            “…You. I can insult you when I’m annoyed,” said (Y/N).

            “Yeah, sure, Birdie,” said Em, flicking the feather necklace at (Y/N)’s neck.

l

            “Alright, no one’s around,” said Em. “We can practice here.”

            (Y/N) looked around at the tall canyon walls around them, keeping them in a protected bowl, away from the view of others. “How should I start?”

            “Actually bring out your wings instead of always avoiding them,” said Em.

            (Y/N) scowled, not liking the twist in their stomach as Em easily read their emotions and inner turmoil. “I don’t avoid them. They just…You know, I’m not human with them.”

            Em stared at them. “You’re kidding, right?”

            (Y/N) glared harder at her. “I was being honest!”

            Em snorted. “You’re not human. So forget about that.”

            “You can’t expect me to just accept that,” said (Y/N) incredulously.

            Em leaned towards (Y/N). “You’re a Celestial, Birdie.”

            “…What?”

            Em rolled her eyes, and they put their hands on her hips. “You have abilities and wings. You’re a Celestial, Birdie.”

            “How? I was born human,” said (Y/N).

            Em had her suspicions that (Y/N) and Lucifer’s father-child relationship had affected (Y/N)’s humanity, but she wouldn’t be the one to point how that they were idiots for not realizing themselves. So, they just shrugged. “Who cares? It’s a fact that you have wings and powers. So come on, let’s use them.”

            (Y/N) hesitated a moment longer before rolling their shoulders and letting their wings spread out. They were larger than last time, spreading out from their shoulder blades like a cloak of scarlet, each feather brilliant in the sunlight.

            Em stared at them in awe for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, those are definitely full-grown. But who knows, if you grow more, they might, too.”

            (Y/N) groaned. “I don’t need them bigger than this. Let’s just get to flying. How do I do that?”

            Em and (Y/N) stared at each other in silence. Em shrugged. “Run?”

            (Y/N)’s eyebrow twitched. “You didn’t have a plan?”

            “I watched some bird videos,” said Em defensively. “Just trying running and jumping and focus on flapping your wings.”

            “Fine, fine,” said (Y/N). “We don’t have a better idea.”

            They took a few steps back, and Em moved to the side. Taking a deep breath, (Y/N) ran forward, trying to pick up speed, and jumped into the air. Their wings barely flapped, and they stumbled as they landed. Gritting their teeth, (Y/N) tried again. And again. And again.

            “Yeah, my wings don’t like this,” said (Y/N). They looked up. “How does Lucifer fly?”

            “He just…flaps his wings?” said Em.

            (Y/N) felt ready to strangle the demon. “Without running?”

            “Oh, yeah, I guess not,” said Em.

            “I hate you,” said (Y/N).

            Em smirked. “No, you don’t. That’s why you’re still here.”

            (Y/N) hated that Em was right. “Fine. I’ll try Lucifer’s way.”

            Standing still, they focused on their shoulder blades. They tried to extend their muscular awareness to the newly formed muscles in the wings sprouting from them. Slowly, their wings twitched and moved, flapping in the wind. It was shaky, but (Y/N) lifted off the ground.

            “There you go, Birdie,” said Em encouragingly.

            “Shit!” (Y/N) freaked out as they went up and let go of their control, falling back down.

            Em caught them, and they both tumbled to the ground. They turned on the ground to look at each other and burst out laughing.

            “Well, that sucked, but I got up,” laughed (Y/N).

            “Yeah, up, up, and away,” snorted Em with a wide smile. “Let’s not take the nickname too seriously, Birdie.”

            (Y/N) grinned and laughed.

            And the pair lay there under the sun together before getting up and trying again. And again. And again. And if neither wanted to be the one to suggest finishing, then that was for them to know.

Taglist:

@sammyscreencaps-13

@grippleback-galaxy-galaxy

@scarlettqueen190

@ziro-the-null-god

@sammy-13

@zeros-rot

@ceridwyn3

@technikerin23

@poetoflawed

[just-a-little-radish]

These articles are both from today, April 7, 2023. I’ve combined different quotes from both articles below for a fuller picture of this case.

Two weeks ago, Dallas parents Temecia and Rodney Jackson opted for a home birth for their newborn daughter, Mila, with licensed midwife Cheryl Edinbyrd.

Shortly after Mila’s birth last month, upon taking her to see their pediatrician, they learned she had developed a case of jaundice—a highly common condition in newborns resulting in the yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes, which typically goes away without treatment within one to two weeks.

Temecia and her husband, Rodney Jackson, said they were following their midwife's care protocol for their baby's jaundice.

Dr. Anand Bhatt said the case was severe enough that they should take her to the hospital for phototherapy treatment, but the Jacksons opted to do the same phototherapy treatment for Mila in their home under Edinbyrd’s guidance.

Within days, the Jacksons say Dallas police officers and CPS agents arrived at their doorstep at around 5 a.m., informing the family that their pediatrician had reported them and demanding that they turn her over. The officers eventually left their home when the Jacksons refused—only to return hours later and tell the family that Mila was legally in the custody of Dallas CPS. The Jacksons again refused to turn over their newborn and instead reached out to their midwife for help. “Our midwife then reached out to the pediatrician, just letting him know that he had traumatized us, that we were woken up by police banging our door at 4 a.m., 5 a.m. Then after she gave him all the credentials he’d requested from her, he pretty much said he was going to leave our care and our midwife teams,” Temecia said at a Thursday press conference organized by the Afiya Center.

Over the next few days, everything seemed fine. But last Tuesday, as Rodney was walking the family’s dog outside their house, the police returned. He refused to surrender the baby when they confronted him, so they placed him under arrest, seized his keys, and used them to enter his home. There, officers took Mila from Temecia while she was alone.

"When they came in and took her from me, I requested that I needed to see the paperwork. They insisted, 'No, give her first, give her first,'" Temecia Jackson said at the press conference. "So they took her from my arms and they gave me paperwork. When they left, I looked at the paperwork and the paperwork had another mother's name on it."

Temecia claims the warrant that the Desoto Police Department and CPS agents used to take Mila didn’t even list her own name, instead listing [Mila’s] mother as another woman who’s previously had run-ins with CPS. The Jacksons still don’t even have Mila’s birth certificate because she wasn’t born in a hospital.

“Instantly, I felt like they had stolen my baby as I had a home birth and they are trying to say that my baby belonged to this other woman,” the mom continued, holding back tears. “I did not know where to turn. They had taken my husband from me and then took my daughter from me and I was left by myself.”

Temecia Jackson says her husband was not initially listed on the warrant. Later, she says the document was updated to list Rodney Jackson as the “alleged father."

Mila remains in Dallas CPS custody and under the care of a foster family. The couple's hearing with the Dallas County's juvenile board was originally scheduled for April 6. That morning, the couple says the hearing was abruptly postponed until April 20.

The Jacksons say they have been allowed only a few supervised visits with their daughter, which they say have taken place at CPS offices and in the presence of police officers.

During the press conference, the couple said they "feel like criminals" during their visits, and claim their attempts to deliver breast milk to their newborn daughter have been denied.

The couple told reporters that at their latest visit on Wednesday, they noticed Mila had developed some irritation in and around her genitals. When they raised this to CPS workers, they were told the foster family would handle this, and they weren’t permitted to take Mila to get care. “With the foster parents is where this build-up and irritation [in Mila’s genitals] occurred, and yet you’re sending her back to the same foster family. We just feel helpless in this situation as we wait,” Temecia said. She and Rodney are already missing a critical postpartum period for parental bonding—now, they also have to worry about whether she’s safe in the care of strangers.

According to one 2016 academic study, 53% of Black children experience child welfare investigations before their 18th birthday, compared to 28% of white children. Once in custody, research shows Black children are less likely than white children to be placed with a family member or ever returned to their families.

From 2019 to 2020, more people of color chose to give birth outside a hospital setting, according to a 2022 report released by the National Partnership for Women and Families (NPWF), a nonpartisan and nonprofit advocacy organization that works on public policies and education about women and families.

The increase was greatest among Black parents (30%), followed by Indigenous (26%) and Latinx (24%) parents — likely a response to "the higher risk of maternal mortality and morbidity they face and the impact of discrimination and structural racism in hospitals that result in lower-quality care," the report said.

Black people are three times more likely to die from pregnancy-related complications than white people, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In Texas, at least 118 women died and nearly 200 children were left without a mother in 2019, according the state's 2022 Maternal Mortality and Morbidity Review Committee's biennial report.

Discrimination contributed to 12% of pregnancy-related deaths in 2019, according to the same report.

As of Thursday, the infant remains in the custody of Dallas Child Protective Services in what the Jacksons and their advocates at the Dallas-based, Black-women-led birth and reproductive justice organization The Afiya Center have likened to a “kidnapping.”

"What did happen was misogyny. What did happen is white patriarchy. The intentional denial of Dr. Cheryl's ability to birth — that happened," Jones said. "The same thing that happened last week happened after Reconstruction with Black granny midwives — that happened. The removal of Black people's ability to take care of Black people — that happened."

D’Adra Willis, a birth justice coordinator at the Afiya Center, told Jezebel that the Jacksons’ experience is part of a broader issue with the racist over-policing of Black families by law enforcement and child welfare system. “It’s a prime example of over-policing of Black children, Black families, Black women, Black community workers, and also the Black midwife, who’s not being trusted of what she’s capable of doing when she’s licensed and certified to do so,” Willis said.

“It would not be going this way if they were a white family,” Qiana Lewis-Arnold, a birth justice associate at Afiya, told Jezebel. “Police have always been a threat to Black families. And that includes CPS, which is the family police. They treat Black people as just guilty or wrong, without an investigation, and they’ll just take action and figure it out later while we suffer through the process.”

Edinbyrd, the Jacksons’ midwife, was also present at the Jacksons’ Thursday press conference and has continued to support the family as they await their rescheduled hearing in two weeks. “This child was being nurtured. This child was being supported. And this child was being loved. And this child was kidnapped,” Edinbyrd said. “Mila needs to be returned home.”

I cannot imagine the pain and trauma Temecia must be experiencing, and the fear she feels not knowing what is happening with her daughter and when she will be returned to her.

And now the hearing to decide if this abducted baby will be returned has been pushed back to April 20th, at which time Mila, who was taken at only a few days old, will have spent the majority of her life being kept from her family.

[mementoboni]

[part 4/4] DIR EN GREY WOWOW Interview & Document (2020)

"I hope not to go (overseas) as much as I can. In this day and age, I can sing even at home, like when my younger sister asks, 'Can you sing for me?' I will sing seriously at home, really." — Kyo

Notes before reading:

The whole interview is divided into 8 topics, and the translation is divided into 4 parts. This is the last part, including the 6th to 8th topics. The details of all topics and time markers are 👉 here.

I have added Chinese subtitles for this video in 2021. The whole interview was very meaningful, and I hope that with the English translation, more people can understand what they’re talking about.

The five members were interviewed separately and then edited into a video, so the words spoken by each of them are not necessarily coherent.

Repost and share are welcome.🙌 I translated it all by my ears, so please feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts.☺️

--- --- ---

06. Overseas

►Opportunity to Go Overseas

Die: I think the biggest reason is that the Internet has become so popular that people overseas can learn about Japanese culture. Kaoru: Someone in Germany told us that there are many people waiting for DIR EN GREY to come. Toshiya: To be honest, I was skeptical about it. Of course, I appreciate what they say, but I still think to myself, "Eh, do you really know us?” Kaoru: I refused several times. That person came to tell us that they were ready for a venue of about 3,000 people.  No, wait a minute. "We can't go to that kind of place," "Wouldn't it be too exaggerated?" "You value us too much," even though I said so. Die: I heard that all the tickets were sold out in a few minutes and there were so many people gathered in places we had never been. I wonder what the hell was going on? Toshiya: We went to Germany in such a half-believing state and were greeted by a very, very large number of people. Kaoru: Not only from Europe, there are people from  all over the world as well. It was the first time we held LIVE overseas, in Asia, and the audience came from different places, so I felt a bit numb. Shinya: Isn't it easy to go abroad now?  This was not possible at that time.  Maybe that's what people overseas think. If you miss this time, you don't know when you'll see it next. (*Yes Shinya, you’re right! 🥺) Kyo: It's just like "If there are people who support us like this, let’s go there."

►About Overseas Fans

Toshiya: Whenever I saw the audience singing in Japanese, I felt that they are really conveying frankly. Kyo: I don't know how to convey what I'm singing, and I can't sing in the local language, I can only sing in Japanese.  But when I think of the people who try as hard as one can, studying and looking up information to find out what I'm singing, I think it would be nice if they could pass some time. I guess that's how it is. Kaoru: Although we don't intentionally aim for overseas, people who will like us will like us.

►Life on the Overseas Tour

Die: In the case of the U.S., the tour bus can accommodate up to 12 people including members and staff. We had to go all over the U.S. with one bus, but of course the Japanese managers and staff were hardly there. Shinya: Basically, it's "Bus→Venue→LIVE", and then "Bus→Venue→LIVE" keeps going on. It's much better than in Japan that I'm already in the venue after getting up. Kaoru: We don't talk much in Japan. It has been like that for more than 20 years.  But when we were on the overseas tour, I could talk to the members quite often because I stayed with them all the time. After all, there were only members.  It's nice to be able to talk to the members, so I think it's good to have overseas tours regularly. 🤣🤣 Kyo: I don’t get out of the tour bus. I was in my own bed, about a tatami space, the height is probably only this way (Kyo gestures with his hand), like a box, but separated by a curtain. I stay in it almost all the time, even when I’m resting. Kyo: I'm still interested in some history, and although it's nice to see all kinds of scenery and live a healed life, I don't really care... If I'm in the mood for a short trip to enjoy myself, it's not DIR EN GREY. (*Screen caption: Unlike European double-decker tour buses, American tour buses are single-decker.)

►Future Approach to Overseas

Shinya: Even if we tour overseas now, we can't reach the scale that we have in Japan. That's why I want to try a Hall Tour like the one in Japan, but it's really hard to do that. Die: Now we're mostly touring on our own. I'd like to do a tour like Fes, a tour with several bands, and so on. Personally, I'd like to do that again.  It's not impossible, right? Kaoru: But compared to the old days when we went overseas, when we performed in larger venues and had a large audience on stage, there is almost nothing like that now. Of course, it's the same in Japan. It's very rare. Basically, as long as there are fans, we'll go there. (*I think Kaoru is trying to say that they rarely go to big music festivals these days.) Kyo: I hope not to go (overseas) as much as I can. In this day and age, I can sing even at home, like when my younger sister asks, "Can you sing for me?" I will sing seriously at home, really. Kyo: It doesn't mean I hate fans, Daisuki desu. ❤ 🤣🤣 Toshiya: There was an interview during our underground period, and I still remember very clearly what I said then. "Anyway, I want to keep stumbling forward". No matter what happens, I/we will not stay there forever.  Even if I/we really can't move forward, at least I/we will fall forward and feel like I/we can move forward again. Toshiya: I won't do it if I don't have to. Hahahaha, I'll quit.  But there are people still waiting (for us), so I will continue to do it.

...

07. Transition

►The way to convey music in the future

Shinya: There was no change in the way the music was produced. However, even if Corona has subsided afterwards, I think there are a lot of issues that need to be considered when it comes to the way that LIVE is organized. Toshiya: In any case, the rules will probably become stricter and stricter in the future, both for music and film. That way, there is a clear distinction between what we can and cannot do.  On the contrary, what we really want to show and what we own will be shown on the internet.  Negotiating with each other, and then continuing to create. We can only move forward in that direction. Kaoru: If you say that the production itself has changed, I think it has not changed.  But what's the point of making a song if you can't do LIVE? There are a lot of voices like that, but basically I still think that in the end. Kaoru: In this case, what we create is definitely different from what we did before. Isn't the value of "wanting to convey something" a bit tiring?  I sometimes think so.  Well, but we have to adjust step by step and move in this direction, and that's all we can say now.  We have to create a place where we can express ourselves. Kyo: After the Corona is over, you probably won't be able to go back to your old world, whether it's in terms of feelings or anything else. So you have to be flexible to deal with all kinds of things.  If you think about it positively, it might be a good time, a good opportunity. After all, we never know when something is going to happen, and there is no such thing as an absolute, everlasting thing.  Because of this, I often think that I must do everything 100%. Die: We've done this before, with members picking their own lists and then playing on video sites*. Of course, the members are listening at the same time, with fans and members, this is also a form of LIVE, very LIVE-feeling. "I want to see LIVE" and "members also want to do LIVE". I listened to the songs chosen by members with the same feeling as the fans. However, I really want to be on stage because I can only feel the atmosphere like that when I am there. (*Die is talking about the "Audio Live Stream 5 Days" broadcasted on YouTube from 2020.05.02 to 05.06.)

...

08. What does DIR EN GREY mean to you?

Kaoru: Maybe it's the property or the value that I've been holding on to. Among everyone who listens to our music, I think this is the time to confirm our existence.  In the case of Corona this time, we did make some rules using the internet. But the response I got at that time made me realize that DIR EN GREY is a part of our lives, and I felt that there are many people who consider DIR EN GREY as an important presence. At that time, I also understood our value and existence. Kaoru: I can't quite tell you what DIR EN GREY is when I’m asked. But seeing that everyone is watching us, I think it's great that I can keep going. Toshiya: I really started out alone, but I have since met many people.   So, to me, DIR EN GREY is, in a word, a medium that connects me to the world in a big way. Shinya: More than half of my life is spent in DIR EN GREY, it is my life. Die: It's like the meaning of living.  It is...  It's what I've bet everything I have. Kyo: It's already part of my life, and now it is. (*Edit: Although both Shinya and Kyo said that DIR EN GREY is his "life", Shinya actually used the word "人生" (jinsei), which means the process from birth to death, more like "lifetime"; while Kyo used the word "生活" (seikatsu), which is closer to the meaning of "daily life".)

(END)

--- --- ---

part 1. & part 2. & part 3.

topics & time marks

中文翻譯 (My Blogger) part 1. & part 2. & part 3.

[nomoreusername]

New Girl (Part 2)

Pairing:Aris x female reader

Summary:After making a plan to get your memories back, Aris shows you all the hidden spots of your past.

I’ve learned a few things that may be useful.

1 ) Y/N is in the same dorm

2 ) Nobody remembers her

3 ) WCKD knew about our plans

4 ) She's remade her old friends

5 ) She has the same personality

I had to use this to my advantage. It wasn't much, but she's still in there. I just need to bring her back. 

I have to bring her back to me. 

So I need to remind her of everything she had. It was a longshot, but it was all I had. For now.

Hidden in the vents, I slowly pushed the cover out before rolling out from under her bed. Admiring her for a moment, I looked at bed head, her slightly parted lips, her eyelashes and closed eyes, every mark she had, every scar, and everything. Caught up in her, as I heard a noise I was snapped out of my thoughts.

Before I could overthink it I started gently shaking her. She groaned and opened her eyes. As they adjusted I guess I freaked her out because she tried to scream until I clapped my hand over her mouth.

“Don't panic, okay? I’m going to help you, but you need to trust me. Can you trust me?”I pleaded, ignoring my racing heart.

After a moment she nodded. Moving my hand off, I watched as she sat up.

“Who are you?”She whispered.

“I’m Aris, and I’m going to save you. You have to come with me though,”I explained.

“Come where?”

“To the vents. I’m going to show you some important places,”I answered.

“The vents?”

“Yeah. It's safe though as long as we're quiet,”I assured her, back under her bed. Waiting for a moment, when she followed I gestured for her to stay close. Thankfully, some part of her actually trusted me as she stayed near, even making some turns to our destination without needing to be led. Hopefully, that was a good thing. I really think so, but with WCKD you can never be too sure. 

“This is our very first stop,”I whispered, glancing down. Seeing it empty (as if it's never not) I pushed the grate off and flipped on the lights by the wall. Taking her hand, I helped her out before turning around. While refusing to let go, I couldn't help but smile as I looked at the dim room just covered in art. Some of it a few decades old while others go back centuries.

“What is this place?”She wondered, letting go of my hand to better examine them.

“A hidden room. Well, more like abandoned. It doesn't seem like much, but it means a lot to you.”

“Really?”She asked, running her hands over the frame of a painting.

“Really,”I nodded.

“How come?”She questioned, turning to look at me. Internally debating it, I had to choose between the truth freaking her out or lying to her.

Still, as she looked at me, expecting an answer, the decision was obvious. 

“It's where you had your very first date,”I admitted, watching her expression change from almost deadpan to furrowed eyebrows.

“With who?”

“With . . . me,”I trailed off.

“You?”

“Yeah. With me,”I repeated.

“Oh,”She mumbled as I stared at my feet. “That makes sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem nice, and you are pretty cute,”She shrugged, looking at more of the paintings, leaving me standing there, trying to figure out what to do.

“Have we been anywhere else?”She asked, taking this better than I imagined.

“Yeah. There are two more places that I want to show you.”

“Let's go then. We don't have a lot of time,”She pointed out.

“Yeah,”I agreed, holding out my hand. Accepting it, we crawled back in the vent. Leading her up the slanted spot, we were able to stay side by side, with me occasionally grabbing her shirt so she wouldn't slip. Not that I minded. This area always was a bit of a struggle, and she still didn't seem to recall anything about it.

“We’re almost there,”I assured her, pulling myself over the flat edge before helping her do the same. Glancing down, when this place was clear too I pushed the cover out and dangled my feet over the edge as she sat beside me.

“What's here?”She asked.

“Our first, “I love you.” Right below the stars,”I explained, pointing at the cracked window. With the cool breeze blowing, we sat there as we admired the night sky, with me doing the same to her every now and then. 

“What are you looking at?”She asked, turning her head to meet my gaze.

“You. I’ve always loved looking at you.”

“Oh,”She murmured, her cheeks turning a light pink. “How come?”

“I just do. I like taking in your features. It makes life better,”I confessed.

“You're really sweet, Aris,”She whispered, placing her hand over mine. Looking at her fingers brushing over my knuckles, I tried to ignore my heart racing in my chest even faster than before. 

“Pretty,”She whispered.

“Yeah. The stars are always lovely.”

“The stars too, but I was talking about you,”She clarified, giving me a small smile that I didn't hesitate to return.

“Come on. We've got one more place to be,”I said after a minute of comfortable silence.

“Where to now?”She asked, sliding down next to me. Before she could fall I caught her in my arms, stopping her from collapsing on her head.

“Oh. Thank you, Aris,”She said, giving me another smile. Looking at her, I brushed some of her hair out of her eyes as I just kept admiring her. 

“Don't we have to go?”She whispered, breaking the silence. 

“Yeah. We do,”I nodded, letting go of her as she crawled beside me. Turning another corner, I looked down through the vent bars to see the special room was still a little dim. 

“Come on,”I muttered, pulling it up before dropping down. Following me just like she used to, she landed on her feet as some part of her remembered how to do this. While it seems to be muscle memory right now, it just had to be more. It has to run deeper. 

She has to remember. Somehow, someway, she has to know everything.

Turning on the light, I squinted for a moment as they flickered before individually turning on. Looking at her for her reaction, I saw her just standing there, a blank expression on her face as she started walking by the shelves. Following her, I crossed my fingers that this would work.

“This is nice for a place like this,”She just pointed out, running her fingers over a dusty bookshelf. “So what was here?”She inevitably asked.

“First kiss,”I mumbled, taking in the thought, taking in the way that felt. The way those words felt so powerful yet so hopeless. 

I had to have hope though.

I had to have something.

I had to have her.

“Our first kiss?”She repeated.

“Yeah. Our first kiss,”I confirmed, waiting for something. Anything. 

“This was all very nice, but it's not clicking. Nothing's clicking,”She sighed, shaking her head as she gazed at me, her eyes having this flash of sadness for just a moment before disappearing.

“I’m sorry, Aris. I don't remember,”She said softly, patting my shoulder.

This could end really well.

This could end really badly. 

It was going to end in something though. It may be the dumbest idea ever, but it's all I’ve got.

So in one last desperate attempt to save her I grabbed her waist and pulled her close. Before I could back out I smashed my lips against hers. To my shock, she only froze for a second before putting her arms around my shoulders and kissing back.

This was good.

I think so. 

I think she may remember. I really, really need her. I really, really Y/N to realize I love her, that I’m in love with her. I need her to realize that she's in love with me. I need her to realize that we couldn't throw away everything that we had dreamed of as if it was nothing.

To do that though, she needs to know it.

And I think she does. She's kissing me like she does, the way she always has. Her hands were around my neck, the way they always were. She was just barely standing on the tips of her toes, the way she always did. 

So I just missed her and hoped that she knew all of this, that she still knew us. 

“I love you,”She mumbled against my lips, making me pull away as I internally replayed those words. While there was a split second of doubt, when I saw this familiar spark in her eyes I knew I had heard just right.

That, and I was done doubting her.

“So you remember?”I asked, holding back a hopeful grin.

“No. I don't remember anything,”She admitted, making my heart drop as I wondered if I had imagined every moment with her. Could I? Could I possibly imagine those kinds of feelings? “But I know that I know you,”She continued, making my head spin as I wondered what was happening. “I know that I trust you. I know that I love you,”She finished, giving me a soft smile.

“So you are completely sure of this?”I checked.

“Absolutely,”She nodded, still holding her arms around me.

“Then, do you believe me when I say that we had plans to leave? If I told you that you needed to go with me tonight so that we can live the life we’ve dreamed of, would you do it?”

“Yes,”She answered without hesitation.

“It won't be easy. It’ll be dangerous, but we have a plan. If we stay together we can do it. Even if it's deadly and we’ve never been outside the entire gates, will you escape with me?”

“Yes. I just want you, and if you say being free means I get to do that, then I want that.”

“Then, let's go right now,”I suggested.

“Yeah. It's now or never, right?”She pointed out.

“Exactly,”I nodded, taking her hand and leading her out of here.

So it may not be exactly what I imagined, but I got my girl back, and now she was never leaving. Just like we had talked about. Plus, if anything, her falling in love again, having one night of memories was a beautiful last time here. Even if she didn't remember before this she'll remember now, and that's what matters.

[prettybillycore]

FOR TOMMY | Letter #4

Farewell, Edith Lillian

Pairing(s): Thomas Shelby x Original Character

Universe: Peaky Blinders / Fantastic Beasts

Summary: Veela and Seer- a powerful combination of traits for one person to have. Edith Lillian Scamander falls in love with a young Thomas Shelby while working in a nurse’s ward during WWI. Will her feelings be requited, or will she be doomed to pine over the man of her dreams for eternity hopelessly?

Rating: Teen

Warnings: none

Read on AO3 or Scroll down to read it right here on Tumblr below the cut!

Dear Lucretius, 

I am beyond tired of the way you treat me. I know that I am a woman. I am supposed to be a homemaker and a doting wife, but you’ve always known that I’ve wanted more for myself than that. You were so supportive of me being an Auror when we were younger. What happened to that? What happened to you, Lucretius?

When we were at Hogwarts, we had such a bright future together. I still remember how my heart began to flutter when I would see you running down the hall, hauling ass away from whatever professor was chasing you that particular day. I remember how Theseus would scold me whenever he caught me looking at you. I remember how much little Newt loved you during our last year at school together. I especially remember how gentle and kind you were. You treated every girl with grace, but you especially favored me. You made me feel like I was the only girl ever in the room with you. You spoke of how excited you were for our future children to attend Hogwarts; what a joy our lives would be together if I accepted your marriage proposal. Where did that Lucretius go? Where did the love of my life disappear to?

You treat me as a child you have to scold. You have absolutely no respect for me or my work anymore. You make me want to disappear into my study for hours. I avoid the halls if I know you’re walking them. I used to love being around you, but now, I fear for my safety around every corner. I do not understand what I have done to receive such treatment. You do not seem to recognize me as a person anymore. I am just a fragile trophy to be stared at and mocked as you, please. I cannot do this anymore, Lucretius. I deserve to be treated with at least respect and, at the most, love. 

I will be leaving tonight and not returning. By the time you find this letter in your study, I will have already been gone for hours. I will not be telling you where I’ve gone. I refuse to speak to you again. You have broken my heart beyond repair, and I cannot forgive you for that. I know that I have not been the perfect partner. I probably left dinner in the house elves’ hands one too many times, but that does not excuse your behavior. I will never forgive you for the times that you have laid your hands on me, Darling Lucretius. You will have to sit alone with what you’ve done in your mansion. I hope that no other girl ever falls for your charms. I hope you spend the rest of your days alone in that mansion, in the home we should have built together. 

I feel a little sorry for how I know this will hurt you, but at the same time, not sorry at all. Newt and Theseus also have yet to learn where I am going, so it is of no use for you to ask them. I am sure Theseus will mock me and tell me that he was always right about you if I ever have the displeasure of seeing him again. Newt will be saddened when he learns of our split, but at the same time, he trusts me to make the choices that are best for me, unlike you. This is my final goodbye to you, Lucretius. 

Goodbye, darling old flame of mine. I will never return to our home (if you can even call it that). I deserve to be treated with love and respect by the man who I am to call my husband. I leave my ring with this note, as I have no use for it now. I hope you never find another girl to lore in with the promise of love and a comfortable life. You do not deserve to share a life with another. 

I once loved you; now I loathe you.

Farewell, 

Edith Lillian

[anti-endo-haven]

TW: Cult and sex trafficking mentioned (again, not in detail) Thank you for the affirmations and kind words, I know a lot of what im fearful of is clearly just fear of becoming our bodies parents and I know ive got to do my best to work threw that fear to help heal. I know I shouldnt get into fights with my alters and I should just let them exist how they are. Our actions are ours, not our parents, and yet the fear of doing what they did still sits. They went awear of their behaviors afterall so what if we arnt. Im scared that being bad is just in our DNA, that we were born to be a bad person but I know thats not true. I just have a bit of a control issue hah! I cant help myself sometimes. Im very very good at controlling myself when it comes to saying things to people in the outerworld but the innerworld? Im kinda an asshole. I always think its kinda ironic that everyone always complements me about how kind and considerate for others I am but how I tend to treat my headmates isnt the nicest im sad to admit. We discovered our system very early on in life and so since then its been a constant back and forth of my system trying to talk with me, work with me and help us and me flip flopping between accusing them all of being not real and that im just "crazy", and me calming down for a few months to try and work with them. And I guess I just always justified it as "well im being mean to my inner self so its fine" but in the last few years ive really been trying to buckle down and listen to them and try and be more helpful and also accept them as individuals with feelings more. Ive merged and split and become new people quite a few times. Weve had 4 host changes in the last 2 years and have done a lot of trauma discovery (on my part mostly at least. It always feels like my system knows my life better then me but thats kinda the point of the disorder I suppose hah.) I started identifying with the label of "persecutor" recently even cause I do think im very mean and not very helpful to the system overall but I really am trying. Its just hard as im sure you can imagine. A lot of my issues could just be solved if I just learn to calm down and stop thinking brain police exist hah. Ive been trying my best with things like our physical disabilities and (trying) to accept the traumas that have happened to us that I cant remember/cant remember well. Its just really race that I cant seem to even a little bit get over. Im hoping with time and patients I can accept thoes alters but im worried I ruined any chance of that with my attitude. I also hope maybe I can see myself as not white one day, ive been trying in small ways like accepting that we have curly hair and doing my best to take care of it and let it be curly. ((- Part 1 of Atlas ask)

No one is truly ever just evil or just good. There’s a balance, and finding that balance is good. It can be extremely hard and can take a long time. Being “bad” is not in your DNA, it’s an idea, not something that is predetermined by birth. And it still stands, even though that they might not be aware of their actions, you are. That’s a better start, knowing the differences and how it can be harmful to others.

Even if you slip up, learn. Mistakes happen, correct them. Learn from them. Never stop learning. Wisdom never stops, but the knowledge you gain from it can if you refuse to learn and stay within stubborn ways.

Internalized racism is also something that can be an immense challenge for you. Constantly dealing with it so you continue to keep yourself and your alters within that, just repeating it.

It’s good to learn from what you’ve done and do what you can to work with them. It’s not just you you’re being rude to, but those that have helped you survive. Sometimes, that can’t be helped. Not at first and it can be extremely hard to work on and past, though no one can tell you that you’re a bad person for it. Keeping yourself within a repeat of something unhealthy can be hard to get out of, let alone realize what you’re doing. It’s good that you understand what you’re doing is harmful.

You’re trying to do what you can for the system in a way you know how, that doesn’t make you inherently bad. That doesn’t even make you misguided. You can even be an asshole just to be an asshole. It’s okay.

It might not always be fixed by simply calming down, internalized anything can be extremely hard to overcome. Even us, we have some alters who are still learning to overcome internalized misogyny due to what we’ve faced and had to deal with. We didn’t know that’s what it was until recently, but we’re also letting them learn on their own as I (though I don’t deal with this) might be able to learn and change faster than someone else, so we let them learn at their own pace.

I don’t think you’ve ruined any chances at all. You’ve been closed-minded for a long time and you’re trying to be more open-minded, this can lead to you and others trying to help you out regarding it. Even if it takes time.

[magicaldragons]

writing.

things i've learned throughout the years

speaking from personal experience, writing, whether it's for a fic or an original work, is a process that comes to everyone very differently. which is also why it took me a WHILE to figure out what worked for me.

you've definitely heard this one before, but: 1. do not worry about making your first draft perfect. it will seem terrible, and that's ok.

it's the most common writing advice i've always heard as well, and i always understood what it meant, logically, but it was a piece of advice that was very hard to follow.

the second i gave myself permission to suck, though – the moment i said "i'm going to write trash," is when everything started flowing so much more easily.

it helps IMMENSELY to just push ahead and write whatever comes to you in the moment. do not start searching up synonyms. (yeah, i see you) and if you hate a word or phrase, put a *** next to it and come back later. chances are, you'll change your mind after seeing it from a new perspective, or be able to come up with something to replace it with.

it's always easier to edit than write from scratch, so give yourself material you can edit.

2. write for yourself. write what you love – what you would read.

it definitely draws people in more than any formula you think works or a piece you deliberately craft for a specific audience.

3. as long as your writing is comprehensible, grammar means little in front of the emotion your work conveys

i've read so many works that have left such a profound effect on me, solely because i could feel the amount of heart the author poured into it, it's always easy to look past minor mistakes, as long as what the writer says makes sense.

4. most importantly, when you're starting on that path of developing your writing skills, don't show your work to anybody. hear me out:

i've written about seven stories (for various fandoms) that will never see the light of day – not because i dislike them, but because i now realize, i had to write them for me.

and these stories (and the evident progress in my storytelling skils across all of them) are what give me the most confidence when i doubt my skills.

you can always share your works in the future, but the first couple of times you venture out with a vision in mind, make yourself your audience, it prevents you from diluting your ideas with expectations of other people's perceptions.

+ and finally, a bonus point:

a lot of the writing process, is just discovering yourself, in various ways

i always used to hear writers say:

"my characters did this on their own" or "the story just wrote itself like this"

and i never understood, because MY characters never did anything of their volition, in fact, they refused to do what i intended for them to and it would be a struggle to write a scene sometimes

and again recently i had that same problem, where i couldn't for the life of me, figure out how to describe a character performing a particular action. i waited for days for any sort of inspiration or logic to strike me, but it wasn't working.

i surprised even myself though, when i highlighted the whole section and deleted it.

but as soon as i let go of writing that one scene the way i'd planned it, a completely new option presented itself, and writing THAT scene was so much easier.

so no. my characters never tell me what to do, but they tell me what they don't want to do, and the realization that common experiences in writing will manifest differently in different people, really made me realize that writing is something you should follow your instincts in.

technicality-wise, you will always keep learning and improving. growth never stops.

so it's important to do what feels true to you, and do it in a way that makes YOU feel comfortable, whether that includes taking risks, being spontaneous, or starting small.

that's when some of the best things are created.

[radiosummons]

Not to compare apples to oranges or whatever in regards to fictional characters' trauma, but Anakin wouldn't have been able to handle even 1/4 of what Obi-Wan went through.

Look, I’m an Anakin stan myself. He’s not my number one blorbo, but I do adore him and purely for the fact that he’s a goddamn fucking mess. But I can’t help but feel like some of the more extreme Anakin stans keep missing the point of the prequels/Clone Wars as a whole. That being: Darth Vader could not exist without Anakin.

I only bring up Obi-Wan because a lot of the takes I’ve seen from people trying to defend Anakin from any speck of criticism tends to almost always revolve around his trauma/shitty life experience. And, like ... he’s not unique in that aspect. If anything, Obi-Wan shares a very sad, almost mirror-like amount of experiences with him.

For example:

-Obi-Wan was a slave. A lot of characters in the Star Wars universe were slaves.

Anakin was a slave!

((Update to the above: someone asked for clarification on this point, and I made a lengthy response in my reply/reblog. If my reply is too difficult to find down the road, I can add that bit here. Otherwise, the short version of the above isn't that Obi-wan's trauma is more valid than Anakin's. Just that 1) Anakin being a slave is not unique in the world of Star Wars and 2) Obi-wan and Anakin do share similar traumas but react very differently to said traumas)).

-Obi-Wan’s father figure (Qui-Gon) died in his arms.

Anakin’s mother died in his arms!

-Obi-Wan lost the love of his life. Who also died in his arms. Who also, strangely enough, did not die because of anything he did.

Anakin lost the love of his life!

Anakin was criticized by the Jedi Order for his inability to let go of others!

-Obi-Wan was criticized by the Jedi Council and his peers for his attachments to Qui-Gon, Anakin, Ashoka, Quinlan, Satine, etc, etc. The Jedi did not condemn him (or Anakin) for forming these attachments. He learned to let go of those he loved when their time came, no matter what form that took, i.e. death or simply them choosing to take their own paths without him in their lives.

Anakin had anger issues that made it difficult for him to form proper relationships!

-Obi-Wan had horrendous anger issues. Qui-Gon initially refused to taken him on as a padawan specifically because he had a horrifc temper. He learned to control his anger so that it would no longer control him. 

Anakin was being targeted and tempted by a Sith!

-Obi-Wan was directly targeted by multiple Sith at multiple instances throughout his life. They all at one point or another tried to force him into using the Dark Side (Maul, in particular), or tried to convince him to leave the Jedi Order and become a Sith (Count Dooku, mostly, but also Asajj). He didn’t. 

Palpatine manipulated Anakin!

-Obi-Wan was also manipulated by Palpatine. Everyone in the fucking galaxy was manipulated by Palpatine. Anakin is not special. 

I could go on and on and on. This is just a small list of one to one comparisons, but like ... this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the absolute amount of horrendous shit that Obi-Wan has gone through, even prior to Order 66. I’m not saying that Anakin’s trauma isn’t valid, nor am I trying to say that Obi-Wan is a better character than Anakin because of how much more he has gone through in comparison.

My point is this: At no point, did Obi-Wan give into the Dark Side or become a Sith. Despite the actual living hell that his life was, he never ever ever turned to the Dark Side. A lot of people like to say he came close when he faced off against Maul during the episode “Revival,” and I can definitely see where people are coming from. But he didn’t.

In the grand scheme of things, Anakin does not have a fucking excuse for becoming a Sith Lord. Not that he (or any other Sith for that matter) ever had a valid excuse to begin with. But holy fuck, my guy. If someone like Obi-Wan, who literally has not known a single day of peace, can still somehow manage to keep themselves from giving into the temptation of becoming the emobiement of all things evil, especially in response to great emotional pain ... like, my guy, there really is no fucking excuse.