#But i was actively dying and couldnt get this done on time if i did them.

[camelspit]

holy shit! Its done! Ive worked on this for about a month and a half now? I think? Its a somewhat redo of this post from exactly a year ago :) I hope you like it !!!

(List of symbols below the cut. Slight warning: It's a bit long)

Biana

The bird earrings and the goldish triangles in the background are supposed to represent the vacker crest and how her family name is always sort-of looming over her.

The background could be interpreted as a mirror or stained glass. a mirror because of nightfall, and stained glass because it's the kind of rich people thing the vackers would have.

The cracks in the mirror are very faintly outlined in gold. It's supposed to sort of represent how the constant pressure to be perfect and "golden" kinda fucked up her and her family, especially with regards to Alvar.

The mix of teal and purple in the mirror and the roses is supposed to symbolize the constant fight between being herself and being who her family and the rest of elven society wants her to be.

The flowers are roses because something something Biana is pretty but definitely has thorns. She can hurt you.

The butterflies are actually there for multiple reasons! Theres the obvious, being that butterflies are beautiful. But they're beautiful because their colors come from camoflauge. They look pretty to hide from predators. Also, the belding in could go with her vanisher ability.

I know it's a bit unclear, but the squigglies beside the butterflies are supposed to be snakes! Snakes are dangerous, but you don't usually notice them until it's too late. They sneak up on you. Sort-of resembling how no one would suspect Biana of being dangerous, and how being a vanisher lets her sneak up on people.

Fitz

He has matching earrings with Biana. This is sort-of to go with the whole "family comes first" thing with the Vackers. The birds are also to represent the family crest! (You can also see the crest in the squares in the corners)

His color scheme has a lot more teal than Biana's did. This is mostly because of the two, the family legacy effected him more. He was always going to be the golden child. The one true Vacker kid.

The swords on the sides are supposes to sort of symbolize his fighting. He's been almost nonstop battle training for a lot of books now, and even got an actual sword in the ending of stellarlune.

The swords are wrapped in roses. It's supposed to represent Sophie, since the Ruewen crest has a rose. She is what made him realize that the elven world was really shitty, and that there's a better world worth fighting for.

The feathers beside the swords are also supposed to represent the bird in the family crest.

The scales at the top are because of mr.snuggles mostly. Dragons have scales, so i thought it'd be fun. They could also represent a snake skin, and how throughout the series he's been growing and changing.

Below the scales are little thorns. These were supposes to symbolize all the littlethings he's said and done to hurt others, even if it wasn't intentional. His anger is a protects him, just like thorns protect a rose.

In the top right corner, there's a circle with a broken heart inside. It's supposed to be his cognate ring, and all the drama that's happened with Sophie.

The objects above his shoulders are crowns! bc vacker royalty or whatever!!

There's a broken heart behind him. The most obvious comparison for this would be his relationship with Sophie, but it could also represent his connection to Alvar or Keefe. Honestly, it could represent his entire relationship with the Lost Cities.

Keefe

The black dripping down the circle in the background is supposed to be shadows + quintessence. It could go with the scene in Legacy where his abilities are activated, or just represent how his life has been slowly getting darker and darker. Everything being overshadowed by the Neverseen.

The heart in the middle of the darkness can either be his empath abilites or how he's still trying to be a good person, despite everything that's happened.

The candles are a tie in to the Sencen crest, hand holding a candle. They could also represent how everything that's happened to him over the course of the books is slowly burning him out, and yet he's still desperately trying to help, and be a light for his friends.

The shapes surrounding the circle could be eyes, to represent the neverseen, or the petals of a flower. The flower would be to represent life. He's still alive and he's still going despite everything. His entire life was built on Gisela'a dream for the neverseen and her own plans though, hence why the petals are eyes.

The flowers on his necklace are a tie-in to the flowet bead necklace he made for his mother when he was little.

The petals are in a sort-of gradient from white to green. This is supposed to symbolize all the shit that's happened in recent years, and all the deaths and sadness that have piled up. There's still a ring of white though, to represent that throughout this he's still the same person. That he's still a good person.

Only one of his eyes is showing, and it's wide open. It's supposed to look a bit like the neverseen symbol.

In his outfit, you can see little heart symbols in the pattern, because he's an empath.

In the very back, the mismatched stripes are sort-of supposed to be the chaos and confusion that sort of goes with his character. His entire life is a mystery that only Gisela knows, and it's been a mess trying to figure it out. He doesn't know who he is or really why he even exists.

His eye earring is supposed to go with the Neverseen, and his sun earring is supposed to symbolize Icarus.

Sophie

The little pattern on her outfit is supposed to look like moonlark feathers !

Her outfit is blue because like. Red is her color, canonically, but her whole thing is supposed to be going against whats expected of her and making changes, so! Blue.

I tried to make her hair like. sunrise-ish colors. Since shes sort of like? A new beginning for the Lost Cities? If that makes sense?

Her little hair part has the silhouette of hope.

The circle outline in the back is supposed to be the cognate ring.

The shapes surrounding the circle are little wolf claws, to go with her dire wolf Team Valiant symbol.

The stars inside the circle are supposed to be her three human family members, and then her star off to the side.

The three blood drops are supposed to be the three main deaths that have effected her. Kenric, Calla, and Forkle 1.

The three leaves outlining the circle are supposed to be Edaline, Grady, and Jolie. Something something theyre leaves because wanderlings and Jolie's death was all they could see before Sophie came to them.

The leaves are right next to the fire because Brant killed jolie with fire !

Fire in the bottom right corner because. Every single fucking thing that has happened to her regarding fire. (Also Fintan possibly being her dad)

There are 11 stripes in the top right corner for her 11 main friends.

The rose is supposed to be the rose in the Ruewen family crest.

The red stripes in the top left corner are supposed to sort of look like her inflicting lazers.

The feathers are swan feathers.

The white triangles in the bottom left corner are alicorn horns (hence the sparkles).

Dex

The 4 circles on his necklace are the triplets and him. The bottom one hanging down could be either Dex or Rex, I think.

His shirt is sort of funky? I wanted it to be a bit like Slurps-and-Burps, I guess. A tiny bit different from the others.

Stars on his shirt! For when he and Sophie went star-gazing for a homework assignment.

The branch in thr background is supposed to be from his wanderling.

Fire! Because of his whole thing with it bc. You know. Tortured by it and shit. Also, just in general, this series can't go five minutes without fire being mentioned. So.

The little oval above it is supposed to be a bit linke a finger print? Because he still has that mark from when he got tortured. It was also supposed to look a bit like a sand dollar, because he got kidnapped on the beach.

Swan at the top! (It doesn't look much like a swan bc I did it with no reference. :()

It has a green eye because Neverseen! And how they've caused all this death and shit in his life.

Theres a gear at the top because he's a technopath.

In the back it's a bit hard to see but. There are little lines throughout thr black spaces. They were supposed to look a bit like wires. Technopath.

The circle inside the gear is supposed to be his Team Valiant gem, in his circlet.

Three water drops for the triplets.

Theres water at the bottom, partly because of the beach where he got snatched, but also partly because of like. His somewhat melting relationship with his mom after the Black Swan reveal? Since shes a Froster.

Behind the drops there's five stripes, to represent his whole family.

Idk theres a lot of family symbolism in this because its like? Such an important part of his character? Their reputation is what makes up so much of his motivations, especially in the earlier books.

Marella

Her hair was supposed to look a bit like fire.

Fire shapes on her outfit.

She has a little heart pin on her outfit because of her earlier ambitions to be an empath.

Eyes on her necklace for the neverseen. The orange triangles are for fire and thr blue ovals are for water. Because of her training practice with Linh.

The 3 dots on either side of her outfit are for the other three horsegirls of the apocolypse. Linh, Maruca, and Stina.

The wrinkles on her sleeves were also supposed to look a bit like fire? Not sure how well that worked out though.

There are 5 stars on her earrings to represent the five pyrokinetics deaths that caused the ban on her ability. They're stars bc her name means star of the sea.

The pink/yellow/blue stipe on the left is supposed to represent the torch she had in the ending of stellarlune, bc those are the colors is turned.

Exillium beads above the stripes to represent her relationship with Linh and how she was angry that Sophie didn't ask her to come with her in Neverseen.

The waves above the beads are supposed to tie into her "star of the sea" name.

Above that is Fintan's ear :). The moon earring hanging down is supposed to be like, controlling the waves? And they're supposed to represent Marella's name so it's like. Fintan manipulating her during their training sessions.

The sun at the very top because like. fire. sun.

Little wind at the top right corner for her dad, Durand, whose a guster.

The shape on the right is the balcony that her mom fell off.

The vines growing up it are supposed to sort of represent death? Her mother didn't die, but I'd assume they probably mourned her a bit like they did with Alden. She's not totally gone but she'll never be the same as she once was.

Theres a salamander climbing up the balcony because of the myth that they're immune to fire, and how pyrokinetics are supposedly immune to fire but can still be effected by everblaze. If that makes sense?

There are little yellow dots scattered throughout the background that are supposed to be like. Little sparks from fire.

Linh

She has a moon earring to sort of represent control over waves and shit.

Same thing goes for the moon above her head!

Her registry pendant is like? Simpler? Compared to the others, since she was banished and all that.

Dots on her outfit are exillium beads if it wasnt clear. :)

The symbol on her jacket (?) are rainclouds.

The lines on her sleeves are supposed to look like rivers.

Purple handprint in the background because of her exillium placing.

The stairs behind it are supposed to be the stairs at Tiergan's house. There are 6, one for each person who lived there at some point.

The little red/blue drops and sea are like. The blood slowly turning into water/ her taking control over her ability.

It could also be all the ogres she probably killed when she flooded Ravagog.

The 6 stars beside the moon are to represent all the Endal-Alenfars.

The darker star is Rayni.

The plants at the top are supposed to sort of represent the gnomes they lived with. They make a dome shape, to sort of symbolize the dome surrounding Atlantis.

The flowers at the ends of the vines(?) are supposed to represent her and Tam.

The cattails at the very top are because they grow near water and Linh had to grow up near the water, even though she couldn't control it yet because of her parents.

The dragonfly was Diras idea :)

The purple and red in the background is sort of like. Who she was at exillium and in general (sweet, helpful, whatever, etc.) vs like. That darker part of her that flooded Ravagog.

Tam

He has a sun earring to sort of parallel Linh's moon. The sun has like. A bit to do with shadows if I remember 4th grade science well enough.

Exillium beads on his outfit :)

He's wearing the Endal crest because like. I think they're more important than his actual family will ever be. (It also annoys me a tiny bit that him and Linh are wearing the Song crest in almost all of their official art.)

He and Linh have the same like. Set of earrings. One gold and one silver.

Like Linh, his registry pendant is also simpler compared to the others.

The blue/black color scheme on his outfit is supposed to sort of go with him and Linh's ability colors.

Two buttons on his outfit for him and Linh.

Behind him is a shadow, to go with his ability. There are also like. Smaller shadows throughout.

Above the shadow's head is a crown. It's supposed to be the one from Legacy, when Tam had to blast Keefe.

Above him are like. 2 stars and 4 little dots. The stars are him and Linh, and the rest are the other Endal-Alenfars.

The line in the middle is supposed to represent his ambi placing in Exillium.

The top right corner is Eternalia/ the Tribunal Hall, where Linh got banished.

The top left is Exillium.

The sky like? Gets a bits brighter as it transitions from the Tribunal to Exillium to sort of represent how they were more free? I guess? Even if it wasn't ideal, they were away from their parents and they had power over their lives at least a bit.

The bottom right is the river that they lived beside in book 4 that Linh parted for them.

Beside the river are little pebbles in sets of twos for Tam and Linh.

In the bottom left is the staircase to Tiergans house.

Around the line in the middle are little flowers. From left to right they represent: Wylie, Rayni, Tiergan, Prentice, and Linh.

and that is the end of the list 👍 thank god

Tag list:

@skylilac @callas-pancake-tree @arson-anarchy-death @steal-nightmares-leave-dreams @abubble125 @purplesoup-lad-le @gay-otlc @thefoxysnake @keeper-of-the-lost-dadwin @remember-me-in-another-time @kamikothe1and0lny @you-have-been-frizzled @presidentroarie @cowboypossume @even-if-in-another-time @that-glasses-dog @slozhnos @treehouse-arson @lemon-girl-in-devil-town @three-bunnies-in-a-trenchcoat @purpleunicycle @frogs-and-flowers-and-faeries @unidentifiedimp @florida-preposterously @stopstealingtomatoes

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Propaganda under the cut.

Doctor Carmilla:

She’s literally the coolest person alive. But fr, she turned her gf into a vampire to stop her from dying of a chronic illness, gf turned abusive so Doc C killed her, fled her home planet and went to space where she was lonely so she created the mechanism, a space crew of immortal pirates. Doc found people who’s bodies broke, replacing one part of them with a mechanism that would keep them alive forever (with consent kind of??). She medically experimented on them and for millennia they roamed the galaxies together on the star ship aurora (a sentient moon-turned-space-ship who is in a loving relationship with one of the mechanisms, nastya rasputina whose mechanism is mercury blood). The doc hated her creations and what they did (mass murder and all that good shit), so she left. She gets such a bad rep in the mechs fandom. People will infantilize the mechanisms while villainizing The Doc. That’s not the story and she realized what she had done to the mechs and left and this is a terrible explanation but i love her sm and i wouldn’t even mind if she turned me into an immortal space pirate.

Catra:

shes a girlboss plain and simple. shes an abused child who lost her closest friend and decided if she couldnt be the hero shed be the villain. she beat up her abuser and became the top commander of the evil army, just under its leader. she tried to kill her ex best friend sooooooo many times. she briefly found solace in the desert but everything came undone and she ended up activating a portal that would destroy the world. she lived briefly in paradise but things went wrong and she tried to kill her ex best friend again. these two are SO homoerotic just to be clear like its genuinely insane. she became consumed by her work and lost her few real connections in the horde. she sent her friend to beast island to die. she hired a hot shapeshifter who betrayed her and her abandonment issues only escalated. shes deeply compelling and sympathetic. she got abducted and joined the evil space empire. she betrayed them. she got mind controlled. her ex best friend saved her. she saved the universe with the power of kissing her gf who was dying of poison. she did a lot of atrocities while she was being the teenage commander of an army trying to take over the world. shes super girlboss. shes snarky as fuck. i love her deeply. vote catra

She qualifies because she is the most morally ambiguous but she did it all out of love for the woman she loves. She's the best there is.

Did not give a SHIT that the evil invading force she worked for was evil even though she 100% knew. Instead of escaping she thought 'How do I make this worse for literally everybody including myself?' and then she did that.

poor little meowmeow who tried to destroy reality bc she has mommy issues. deserves to win bc she is a lesbian and she is so so hot

[haunter-geist]

tw graphic descriptions of animal death;

grief is really hard to cope with, its kind of odd because ive lost people in my life before, like my nanas when i was a lot younger, but now losing my cat it. hits harder. Daimyo was my orange baby and best friend, this past year his health had been noticeably declining VERY quickly and he had been rapidly losing weight, and i knew he was close to the end a few months back when he started clinging to me and getting upset every time i left the room.

This cat loved me, the night before his passing when we were heading to bed, he curled up on a chair where my phone was placed (as there was no room on the bed) directly next to my head, and i knew he was dying in the morning when he got upset with me holding him, and simply flopping onto the bed when i set him down. He actively turned away from the tunafish i tried to give him in my vain attempt to get him to get up. Selfishly i couldnt sit and watch, and headed over to my siblings house to do something i had already planned for that day. I later heard once i got there, from my grandfather on the phone that Daimyo had tried to get up only to flop over onto the floor.

He held out for me. waited till he could be brought to me to pass. I heard him sniffle and maybe gasp for air before he looked at everyone else around me, and me, as i saw him grunt in pain at his body shutting down. The tears i had been so desperate to hold in during this finally spillt from my eyes, and i couldnt sit and watch his lifeless body, or his burial.

The room feels empty without him, his purring (which he did near constantly since he was very young. very content kitty, not like in the pain relieving way although it may have been that way towards the end of his life) was always very loud and i could easily hear it across the room. Its gone. I keep thinking i see him everywhere, i keep expecting him to try and leave the room to go scratch his claws on the carpet outside, im expecting to hear him meow for food, or the trickle of water as he drank from his fountain. or the sound of him at his cat box. Every sign of him is gone and i have a sinus infection so i cant smell whats left. my best friend of 15 years isnt here anymore and its so hard to cope with.

As hard as i try to be a rock for the rest of my family, whos affected as much as i am, i keep finding myself crying or breaking down, especially in the small moments where im alone. I miss him and the way he used to call for me whenever i paced in the hotel hallways with the door propped open a crack (which hed watch me through)

i miss being a 4/5 year old and holding him when he was a kitten and so so tiny.

I just wished i could have done something, but his health was out of my hands, as i had little to no transportation, and a father who refused to take him to the vet. Who loaded all of the responsibility onto someone with no job, money, transport, bank account, or phone service. i did my best to find vet services, and yet he still refused to take care of daimyo. I tried my best to spoil him in these last few months

i knew these months were past the point of no return in a way, i knew he wasnt going to get better even when he did start eating again. i gave him tiny bits of cheese, plenty of treats, catnip, anything to make him happy. he used to reach up and grab the cheese out of my hands while standing on his hind legs, i could get him to do tricks.

I knew when he stopped playing with his favorite toys a few months ago it was close and i still didnt want to think about it

i just wanted him to get better.

i tried my hardest to convince my dad to do something for years so maybe just maybe daimyo could stay for a few months to years longer. i just want him back. the memories are here yes but it feels like a piece of me is missing. im 19 and 15 of the years i had on this earth were with him. what am i to do? I knew it would be hard, but i didnt think it would feel like this. I didnt think it would hurt this bad.

i dont even want to wash the clothes i have that have throwup stains or hair on them, because its some sort of piece of him i can keep as weird and gross as it is. i just dont want to let him go.

[nextstopparis]

ok i have arthur pendragon brainrot rn and all i can think of is how crushed arthur would've been to find out that all the victories he thought were his were actually someone elses. arthur who has an independent streak a mile wide and who is fiercely protective of the things he believes that he earned. like his knighthood or his men, for him to know that the victories he earned for camelot were not actually his but someone elses passed of as his to make him look good? he'd be crushed and furious. i firmly believe if arthur wasn't actively dying in 5.13 there would be so much more yelling and so much tears/disappointment. and oh, would you look at that ive started crying again.

-🐉

YOU KNOW I COULDNT AGREE MORE. so anon, consider what you've said, and then please consider the following pieces of dialogue we got from merlin and arthur in 5.13:

MERLIN: [causes wind to blow leaves over their tracks] [rustles some bushes the opposite way to lead the saxons in opposite direction]

ARTHUR: You've done this before.

(which is like. basically arthur seeing just how NATURALLY merlin can make his help look. just how difficult it would be to spot if one does not know to look for it. which HAS TO make him start questioning everything. like "if all of his assistance can be so easy to miss/chalk up to coincidence.... how much have i missed?" sort of thing.)

then right after, theres this dialogue, which i personally think heavily contributed to arthurs acceptance at the end (and would have also made some form of appearance in an au where he wasn't dying):

ARTHUR: All these years, Merlin... You never once sought any credit.

MERLIN: It's not why I do it.

(and then he fucking stares right into arthurs soul as if to say, ITS FOR YOU. IM DOING THIS FOR YOU. DIDNT YOU HEAR ME WHEN I TOLD YOU THE FIRST TIME THAT THIS IS ALL FOR YOU?? and arthur. finally. gets it. like the first time he was still confused and shocked and hurt so i feel like it didnt register/that he didnt take it seriously, but this time? he finally understands. all these things merlin has done, all these victories that he was falsely credited with.... it was always just merlin doing it for him.)

but i'm going to talk about all this at the bottom so, finally, in my opinion, the most important dialogue in regards to this:

ARTHUR: Everything you've done... I know now. For me, for Camelot... for the kingdom you helped me build.

MERLIN: You'd have done it without me.

ARTHUR: [chuckles] Maybe.

...........,,,,,,,,,,...........,,,,,,,,,.,..,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,..,.,..,.,

You'd have done it without me.

You'd have done it without me.

You'd have done it without me.

You'd have done it without me.

You'd have done it without me.

like you dont understand. this part has been haunting me for SO LONG you have no idea. because merlin must also recognize exactly what you're saying; he must recognize that to arthur, acknowledging all of this means devaluing his own successes. he must realize that arthur knows merlins contributions are nothing small - that his assistance is nothing small - and thus probably means that everything he thought he did with his skill alone, he AT LEAST had some magical help. merlin HAS TO KNOW thats whats going through arthur's head.

SO HE SAYS "You'd have done it without me" TO ASSURE ARTHUR ONE LAST TIME. hes like no, no. youre good enough without me. you dont need me. please dont think this makes you any less.

and arthur? he SMILES. HE FUCKING GRINS AT HIM AND it just really gets me because to me, this part feels like arthur being like "maybe i would have done this without you, but im glad i didn't". and just. ejcmoierjcoidmoeircj. like i do, personally, believe that arthur was aware that merlin did a lot of impossible shit for him ("the kingdom you helped me build...." and "everything you've done" are pretty large statements. he must know) at this point. and yet HE STILL AGREES THAT MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT MERLIN. which seems surreal. like, arthur pendragon with the crippling self-doubt said this, mostly aware of the enormity of the situation? what made him accept so easily?

which brings me to what you said about how arthur's time running out sped up his acceptance: DEFINITELY!!! oh i could NOT AGREE MORE. mostly because had they had more time, he definitely would have asked merlin all that he's done in service of camelot/arthur which would. you know. really put into perspective all the times arthur was told "you did it" when that really wasnt the case at all. like, being aware of merlins help being impossibly large is one thing, but knowing every single thing he's done is another.

(this includes figuring out that he was able to pull excalibur out bc of merlin, as well. and since that whole pulling a sword out of solid stone thing was what helped him be confident in himself, that would TOTALLY lead to a lot of anger/returning self doubt and stuff. and also just. exactly what you said about the successes being passed off to him to make him look good, he would definitely get more and more pissed off the more he learns. like we saw in 2.02, you know.)

so, again, what made arthur accept his own self worth at all in 5.13? well, first off, i just want to say that, actually, i dont think it was just a 5.13 thing. i do think some variation of that convo seems sort of inevitable. like it just feels like that is where they would've ended up regardless of the situation: arthur recognizing that whatever merlin has done has been for him, merlin trying to tell him "you're capable without me, you know that right?" and arthur being able to accept that he can be capable alone without that necessarily being the best thing. like, yes maybe i would have built this kingdom without you, but it wouldnt have been the same, and im glad i didnt.

i just feel like, yes. he would definitely be so angry and crushed and you know. start doubting himself all over again (and maybe even more than before). but i also just feel like, with enough talks and listening and stuff, once he finds out that it was for him, as an act of love (acts of service as love language anyone?)... that would be the thing that brings him to that place of peace and acceptance.

like. if merlin loves him enough to do all this so selflessly, well - then maybe he's worth it (idk i just feel like this realization would really be good for ones self worth.)

or. something like that. i dunno if im making sense.

[h3l10tr0p3]

MANGA CH. 284 SPOILERS

OF REDEMPTIONS AND ATONEMENTS:

We all been knew, man. We all knew this was coming.

And godDAMN does it fucking HURT. (oh the sweet sweet angstfest this whole chapter is, just *chef's kiss*)

But i legit cannot put into words how deep the choice to 'Atone' cuts on my bleeding bkdk heart. Let's first take a step back and see how Katsuki went from DvK2 to here- that one keystone moment that has given us this beautiful chapter: And I meant ALLLL the way back to Chap. 252

I have already written a whole-ass post based on this panel, which you can check Here.

TL;DR Katsuki was actually paying real close attention to Endeavour in this part. He came to Endeavour to learn exactly what he was missing as a Hero, but he learnt so much more.

This scene in particular left a momentous impact on Kacchan. Here, Natsuo is resistant to the idea of forgiving his father for all his sins just because he is more involved in their lives now. And Endeavour had been dreaming for a while about a Home where he is not present with the rest of the Todoroki's which ultimately gave him the idea of buying a house for the others to live in apart from him. This is HUGE. This is what actually drove Endeavour's Redemption home- the perfect understanding and the perfect compensation, the two elements of a brilliant Redemption Arc. NOT THE FORGIVENESS, just as Enji says it. It is NEVER ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS.

Endeavour understood that it was his presence that caused his family distress, and although he dearly wanted to be a part of his family again, was even making efforts towards it by being cordial and accepting of Shouto's friends, inviting them to a family dinner, etc. etc. Endeavour realized the only way he can compensate/atone was to give up something that would cause him suffering, and them happiness. The idea that your family doesnt want you, when you just started to show some effort and HOPE that they might see you in different light, maybe forgive you and then to just terminate those ties entirely, punting yourself into a void where NO ONE CAN COME IN AND SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SUFFERING, is exactly what Endeavour did. He is actively shutting down the ONE window through which his family could see that he was suffering, and miserable, and wanted to be a part of the family again. Endeavour CHOSE to not be forgiven. To writhe with the knowledge of his sins day in and day out with only the shrine of Dabi Touya to haunt him every waking minute.

I cannot explain just how much determination it takes to do that, man. It's just- WOW.

Excuse me for ranting on Endeavour in a bkdk post, but I swear this has a point. And All Might says this the best:

This is the fanlation, the official release (which I couldnt get my hands on) also mentions that "When I meant you were like Endeavour, I meant the Change"

This here is an important bit that AM has caught onto.

In the 252 panel, where Endeavour says 'It's not like I want forgiveness' (Because Endeavour understands he cannot be, should not be, forgiven) "I just want to make up for everything I have done" (and to back this up, Endeavour shuts down the one communication link that could have offered him forgiveness, and thus salvation from the weight of his sins and his guilt)

Katsuki understood Endeavour's idea of redemption very well here, although he might not be shown with that light-bulb moment. He may have already known this wayyy before Endeavour said anything, but those words lent a solidity and to the path he must persue to acheive redemption: And it's Not forgiveness.

Let me tell you why I think Atonement is the greater factor here, even greater than Redemption itself. Redemption has an end-point: Forgiveness. But Atonement doesn't. Atonement has no expiry date. Atonement is purely propelled by the understanding of self, and the weight of guilt the self bears, whereas a Redemption is All About The Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an external force, it may or may not be given to you and that is completely up to the person who has been wronged. Atonement is self-imposed, it is a meditation of the soul to forgive itself against the guilt it carries.

If Redemption is a marathon with a banner at the finish line, Atonement is trying to drag a twenty pounds of rocks through the Sahara desert without water, food or a compass- it's endless, hopeless.

And this is why Atonement is greater than Redemption.

And do you think someone as stubborn as Kastuki will ever find himself atoned of his deeds? No. And That, my friends, is The Point. In 252, when Endeavour says, "I dont want forgiveness" it's not just him saying it- it's also Katsuki. "I just want to make it upto you", is also Katsuki.

And to prove it, Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness. A verbal apology will be nice, sure. Especially since dumb-ass, gay-ass, 'Kacchan-sugoi' ass Izuku Doesn't even See it as Atonement. He is just #Blessed that Kacchan and he can talk almost-naturally again. And that is also Katsuki's intention- because the moment Izuku knows, he won't be able to atone this way anymore.

So, as much as I HATE to say this, the chances of a voluntary verbal apology are slim. If allowed to go on like this, Kacchan with continue to shadow Izuku through his life, worrying about him, LOSING SLEEP OVER HIM :

LOOK AT THOSE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES. /*shoves panels in yo face*/LOOK

Can you believe this bitch-ass gremlin who goes to sleep at 8:30 got bags just from stressing over his Deku??????

LOOK AT HIM DOING A HECCIN' MAJOR KOKORO-STOPPING CONCERN.

(He is flipping his shit because he worries, and he worries so much, and has worried for him for a long LONG time.)

- Katsuki will continue on this path of being Izuku's support.

Forever if it takes.

Forever, he hopes, it takes-

Because the only way he will stop is in death, either his own or Deku's.

This is his Atonement: To undo everything he once did, to support Izuku's dream instead of squashing it; To help him get stronger instead of perpetuating the narrative on his weakness; To protect him from all harm, when he once hurt; To be on his side when the whole world is against him, because once he was all, but, for him; To save Izuku as he wins, to win as he saves.

And, To deny each oppurtunity of forgiveness even as he desperately longs to be unburdened of his guilt.

Because Katsuki knows:

He knows Izuku is that one of a million, he is kind and humble and considerate and loving to a fault.

Katsuki knows that Izuku will forgive him in a heartbeat. That is just the kind of selfless, beautiful person he is.

Unlike Endeavour, who had no guarantee to forgiveness, Katsuki does. And that is what makes Katsuki's Atonement more powerful than Endeavour's. He recognizes it is in his grasp, just an arm's length away...

....Just an arm's length.

And Katsuki will deny himself that. Because he does not believe he deserves it. He hasn't atoned enough for it.

"Keep At Arm's Length"

He says. Because this is the critical distance between them. Not "Stay an arm's length away", because Katsuki doesn't wanna run away from Deku, and he doesn't want to be too far away to protect him, nor does he want to get too close to finally recieve the forgiveness that will give him salvation.

This is the fine balancing act Katsuki must maintain indefintely till he believes he has acheived his idea of atonement. (And when has he ever been happy just the bare minimum?)

I know I said Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness, and a voluntary verbal apology is very unlikely, because in it's very nature, it is inviting a forgiveness from Izuku, which we have established, Katsuki wants to avoid. And if this were any other manga, we would have been doomed to this conclusion. But, there is a scenario when Katsuki might issue a verbal apology and that is when Katsuki knows there isn't enough time to be forgiven in turn, or, hasn't atoned enough and can no longer continue to.

Like when Katsuki launches off, to deliver a final kamikaze blow to a villain, and he has only enough time to tell Deku a short "I am sorry", but not enough time to wait for a reply. Or when Deku is dying and at his final moments, when Katsuki knows however much he has atoned isn't enough and isn't how Deku should leave, without closure.

Whatever the future may hold, my dear readers, Katsuki still has a long, long way to go. And I hope to see him live through everything, to be there -

To survive these wars with Deku, To fight alongside him, To protect him. To win. To save.

To Live.

To hear Deku say "I had forgiven you a long time ago";

and ofcourse,

To forgive himself.

[thefreshchannel]

What’re ur Courtney head canons

Oh boi are u ready for this: everyone can feel free to disagree but this is my courtney vision acting up starting with PRE TD and then going to POST TD

Long post

Courtney is definitely straight A student with advanced placement courses and part of many extracurricular activities. 

Courtney’s an only child and turned prodigy by her parents. Top of the class always no position under the first one.

Courtney’s parents took failure of any sort VERY BADLY which made courtney perceive any sort of mistake or flaw or failure as unacceptable.

Courtney (this was confirmed by dramarama) will never be absent to school she could be dying but she would not miss a day in school.

Courtney has two notebooks for each class. One for quick notes she takes in class and the second one to pass her notes over to make them look like

Courtney can play many instruments besides violin (guitar/oboe/flute/trumpet/clarinet/french horn/harp) courtney always gets the solos in choir as well.

Speaking of choir, Courtney isnt religious but as in every latino household her mom is and she would take her to church to be in the church choir. Courtney’s done her first communion but never really got into religion. I dont wanna say shes a heavy atheist altho she does kinda seem like the person who would be like “you believe in a non existent deity to solve your life problems instead of working to fix them yourself? Couldnt be me”

Courtney was a girl scout doing anything in her power to collect EVERY BADGE was a headcanon i’ve always had and was also confirmed by dramarama so idk how much this counts as a hc anymore lol

Courtney has worked as a TA and a tutor. Definitely lost the tutoring job due to short patience and blaming the kids for being idiots. Also she was mean and scary.

Courtney’s had many jobs that didn’t last long based on her attitude and the way she felt above everyone.

Courtney loves musicals. I can also see courtney being in her school’s drama club and always trying out for the lead of musicals. She obviously always got them but quit when she was given the role of someone’s understudy.

Courtney knows and studies many languages. She is fluent in spanish because her parents refused to have a yo no sabo kid, but she’s also fluent in french and portuguese. She studies italian and german.

Courtney feels like she’s mentally stronger than she actually is and feels she doesn’t need any sort of therapy because she can handle anything herself and her mental state is strong as fuck. She’s very mentally weak and worse after TD.

Has a heavy need to be validated by others but ofc she’ll never tell you about it because she is way too good to care about what others think but please tell her she’s doing a wonderful amazing job.

Courtney sent TWO audition tapes to total drama. She eventually did a redo of her audition tape and had tom fix it up for her and burn it in a CD, however gave courtney the wrong one in which she had mixed the two speeches up. Having noticed she sent the wrong one in she tried sending in her redo as well. The TD producers probably found the first one hilarious and probably found it even funnier that she had sent a correction one in.

Courtney has never had a close friend/deep relationship before total drama. Everyone had just been a rival or classmate or an acquaintance. Gwen became her very first best friend in world tour.

Courtney considers total drama one of her biggest failures because she knew she had every skill to win had she not been robbed. Absolutely believed she would win and reach the finale in tdi. Despite many firings in her job life regarding her attitude she kinda sees those as “well something better and more deserving of me awaits” so she doesnt really consider those failures. Total drama was a huge blow for her because everyone watched her fail and everyone saw her get several chances and fail again and everyone saw her relationships fail. Despite the fact she pretends it doesn’t bother her the thoughts are always sneaking in her head constantly.

Courtney managed to get herself in a really prestigious university for amazing grades and an even more amazing entry essay. She works in student life organizing events for the campus.

I feel courtney becomes a workaholic to try to keep herself busy from ever having bad thoughts or feeling vulnerable and guilty by past td stuff.

Courtney doesnt drink often unless she’s out in special occasions. She doesnt smoke at all. However because of how rarely she drinks when she does drink at a college party she is a mess after a second drink. Crying drunk. Talks about total drama constantly.

One of the things she thinks about a lot is gwen. On reunions and talkshows she always refused to admit how wrong she was for how she lost her in tdas. But it constantly eats her alive.

Courtney is a neat freak. Her room/dorm is always clean, her backpack is always organized. It probably got even worse after total drama. She is always cleaning and expecting her roommate to follow her cleaning schedule. Courtney’s roommate’s afraid of her.

Courtney’s often stopped by paparazzi and td fans asking questions about duncan but she always ignores them and avoids them.

Courtney’s very much over duncan so constantly being asked about him angers her. She hates the fact that she’s unfortunately always linked to him and would like to be seen more as her own person without duncan.

She’s not very active in social media. She tried it but it seemed like she couldnt escape being linked to total drama and constantly asked about other contestants or berated about her behavior on the show.

She’s done with chasing for fame or acknowledging fame and stays hidden. She was contacted many times about appearing in ridonculous race but she decided she was completely done with anything total drama.

The only person from total drama courtney keeps in touch with is bridgette. She lost contact with a lot of the cast, sometimes would keep in touch with heather but eventually lost communication with her.

[foulserpent]

ned has the most fleshed out history of any of my OCs. i typed it out over the past couple of days, theres some stufff missing but its over 2000 words as is.

here is neds life story prior to the oblviion crisis

ned was born in a village near falinesti’s summer rooting site. his father died before ned was born, and ned was raised by his mother and various farmhands in the community.

his mother was a farmer (though she had a shady past he was always peripherally aware of but never privy to), and they raised hogs and chickens for milk/meat/eggs and would be part of falenesti’s supply chain every year. niviiran also lived nearby, and the two were close friends throughout their childhood and adolescence.

“nasty ned” was in fact his birth name and a name he continued to use, though going by the latter part. he was never able to find out why his mother named him that. the name came in handy, given that ned is transgender and already had a fairly “masculine” name. he was recognized as a boy since he was around 10, but his mother was unable to afford the hormone replacement potions until his later teens.

when ned was 16, he started taking jobs at falenesti, mostly as a bouncer at its taverns. he had been a bit of a nervous child before that and to this day isnt sure why he chose that line of work, but it toughened him up considerably.

when he was about 20, his friend niviiran was being heavily pressured into marrying off to secure her family’s inherited silk business. niviiran saw this as the only chance to escape her emotionally abusive parents, and proposed the notion of entering into a (false) marriage with ned until she could get away. he agreed, both desiring to help his friend and hoping to benefit from niviiran’s far wealthier parents.

during this time, he had his first Actual intimate relationship, but it only lasted about a week. he had picked up a girlfriend at his job, but being emotionally immature and a bit of a dick, he thought that he did not need to inform her that he was TECHNICALLY married, since the marriage was fake and him and niv both did not mind. she left when he found out.

this marriage fell apart within a year, largely as a result of ned panicking and letting it slip while drunk at a gathering with niv’s family. this caused a huge commotion mostly directed at him (and was worsened by his continued panicking), and culminated in niviiran’s brother beating him and attempting to run him over with a horse as he fled. his leg was badly crushed and was saved by his mother.

though their marriage was fake, niviiran and ned had a real falling out as a result of this. both obviously felt bad for the harm to the other, but niv was very angry at ned for having let it slip and putting her in the position of having to run away from her controlling parents rather than leave freely. ned at the time was surprised and hurt that she was so mad, having taken her friendship for granted, and responded in kind. they separated angrily and did not see each other again after that point, and the way he treated niv is one of his first and biggest regrets.

after his leg was mostly healed, he decided he wanted to leave valenwood, at least for a while. he had developed some skill as a bodyguard, and managed to get himself hired to guard a merchant caravan that looped through valenwood, elsweyr, and cyrodiil. this was the time where he really came into his own in mercenary type fields, learning to use swords/shields/armor and how to hold his own against much larger foes. he also learned how to cook at this time, and had his first boyfriend. this relationship was not serious and did not last past ned’s contract with the caravan, but was significant and fondly remembered.

he chose not to continue as a caravan guard, and became interested in mercenary work instead. he joined up with cyrodiil’s fighters guild, and spent the next decade or so working for them. late in this period, he was subcontracted out to mainland morrowind on a longterm job as a hired guard. during this time, he met and began a relationship with yaksha gra-dralas, a morag tong agent. their relationship lasted about three years until ned’s contract ended. it was somewhat serious, but neither felt it was working out well enough to continue (and neds ass was too small). they went their separate ways, and ned returned to cyrodiil.

ned continued working for the fighters guild for an indeterminite amount of years, culminating in the events of oblivions fighters guild questline occurring. when ned was demoted for the death of the guildmaster’s son that he had nothing to do with, he decided that the guild was going to shit and that he was leaving. he resigned, and spent a few years hiring himself out independently as a mercenary or whatever else was paying.

eternally bad at settling, he became unsatisfied and decided to move again. he moved to vvardenfell, where he would live for the next 30 years or so. during this time, he joined their chapter of the fighters guild, took many odd jobs, and became more radicalized against the empire than he had already been (which was a lot).

notably, in the latter half of his time there, he met the disowned son of a hlaalu nobleman named ondryn. he and ondryn were assigned together on a longterm fighters guild job out in the wilderness, and began a relationship that would last a decade. it was ned’s longest relationship, and also the first one that he seriously considered the possibility of being permanent and settling with. he had loved all his partners before this, but ondryn was very special to him and brought out something much more serious in him.

it was this relationship that would also lead to ned’s involvement with daedric cults. ondryn was dissident against the tribunal and a follower of azura, boethiah, and mephala. this was just casual everyday worship, but the two joined an active sect of boethiah worshippers (at least partially trying to impress each other). ned had never been religiously motivated and believed that gods were not owed worship any more than anyone else, but was drawn to the “good daedra” for their seemingly mutually beneficial relationship with mortals.

ned was never the most devoted of boethiah’s sect, but through skill and luck he continuously proved himself worthy, and eventually was challenged to and won a tournament of 10 bloods. he was granted a title as champion of boethiah, and bestowed with the artifact goldbrand.

for a while, he proved himself worthy by continuing to maintain his position and defeat any challenger who came his way. but at one point, he was successfully kidnapped along with a fellow boethiah worshipper to be sacrificed to molag bal. he managed to free himself of his binds and escape, and came back with reinforcements to slaughter the rest of molag bal’s faithful, but it was too late for his friend.

this was the first decidedly traumatic incident of his life, and marked the beginning of a slow downturn of his life and his mental health. he was wracked with guilt at having left his friend to die, and was beginning to realize he wasnt really cut out for the whole champion of boethiah thing, rightfully fearing that he had lost favor for this weakness. in a stupid move (that would turn out smart in the long run in bargaining for his soul back), he kept goldbrand but fled with ondryn from the cult, ghosting boethiah and just hoping it wouldnt come back to bite him.

the blight was also worsening in vvardenfell at this point, with things beginning to get pretty scary. ned had repeatedly expressed desire for him and ondryn to flee vvardenfell, but the latter saw all this as just another crisis that would pass with time, and ned accepted this. around the time of the beginning of morrowind’s events, ondryn fell sick after an encounter with one of the ash creatures from red mountain. when it became obvious and undeniable that it was corprus, ondryn resigned himself to dying and asked of ned to help him be properly cremated and interred in his family tomb. all of ondryn’s living relatives had disowned him, but he still desired to be buried in his rightful place.

agreeing to this was the hardest thing ned had ever done. ondryn said goodbye and took poison, and ned was left alone to burn and lay his body to rest. he almost couldnt bring himself to do it, but eventually succeeded. after it was done, ned remained in the tomb for a few days, catatonic and just waiting to see if he would show symptoms himself. when it became clear that he had not contracted corprus, he considered suicide but became disgusted with himself and decided against it.

he remained in vvardenfell for a short while after this, but when his beloved guar (“jelly”) passed away of old age (mercifully peacefully), he decided enough was enough, and returned to cyrodiil. he had a couple of brief encounters with a person who he would later learn was the nerevarine, and left only weeks before the defeat of dagoth ur.

upon returning to cyrodiil, he was in a rut. he had become near-broke, had newly acquired mental health issues, had a constant fear of boethiah sending prospective champions after him, and had nothing to do with himself. he settled into the imperial city waterfront as a squatter, and attempted to join the thieves guild, but failed the initiation. desperate, he began thieving on his own, sometimes doing jobs for others and sometimes just to have money to get by.

he took a very large risk in agreeing to steal and imperial watch captain’s heirloom sword, and was captured in the act. he resisted arrest and injured the captain, and the captain personally intervened to get him a much steeper sentence than he otherwise would have. he was put into the imperial city prison for a few weeks, before being transferred to the arena and being put to work as a gladiator.

this was essentially a death sentence, with no determined ending besides dying in the arena. he met shap-mota here, a bard who had been blamed for a string of brutal assaults in spite of being pretty unquestionably Not the culprit. the two of them had an intimate relationship throughout this time, and struck up a friendship, but they were under a painful and unusual situation and it could not really be called a romantic relationship.

for a time, ned was managing well. he managed to get some serious dirt on one of the guard captains and effectively blackmail him. he wasnt able to secure his freedom, but was able to force his hand into giving him his sword (goldbrand) back and giving him and shap a bit more leeway as prisoners. having goldbrand is likely the only reason he survived and won all his death matches, but his uncooperativeness and humiliation of a few of the guards gave them a massive grudge.

after about 5 months, shap narrowly won a match, but had been gravely injured in the process and collapsed. ned last saw him being dragged out from the arena, and never saw anything that would indicate shap being alive, and had to assume he died. things got really bad after that, with ned having no buffer against the ire of the guards and other prisoners. he lost his blackmailing opportunity (though was allowed to keep goldbrand, due to the crowd loving his signature flaming sword) and was given absolutely terrible treatment from his captors.

he became incredibly disgusted with being forced to kill other prisoners and enraged at challengers who fought willingly. as he rose in the ranks, he was kept going by not knowing what else to do and by a grim satisfaction at murdering people who willingly chose to be combatants. this was very traumatizing.

ned achieved champion rank, though he almost lost his final match. his opponent disarmed him and instead of killing him, gloated and slashed at him with goldbrand, ripping his abdomen open and giving him his biggest scars. ned managed to take him by surprise and kill his opponent before passing out from shock and blood loss.

he woke up a day later to find he had been released. evidently, no one expected him to live that long and it was decided he might as well be let go. ned already had trauma to deal with, but was suddenly experiencing very unusual and new symptoms (which was ptsd and an anxiety disorder) that he had no idea what to do with. he was also convinced that his challenger was there on boethiah’s behalf, though he cant be sure of that, and the fear of being killed and left to the daedra who probably owned his soul took hold of him again.

he had been given some prize money, and he collected himself and left. he moved into kvatch, and rented an attic from some dunmer in exchange for proofreading his stupid “opus” about him killing all the cliff racers or whatever.

ned spent a few years in a haze, kind of just drifting through life, getting into shit here and there. there was an “incident” involving the towns blacksmith at the general store, and he was not arrested but was considered to owe a favor to the town’s watch captain due to the chaotic results that few dare to speak of.

this favor was finally cashed in when kvatch was burnt down by mehrune’s dagons invasion force and they needed someone to try and close the gate, and lo and behold here comes ned “owes a favor” nasty and some argonian from out of town who just kind of wandered in.

[spinph69]

Idk how to make an a03 account lol i've tried but nothins workin, so im gonna post this here. This was mostly inspired by what master cornflake said, we need more gorey doom fanfics.

Also this is like the first time i've written Somethin and completed it in months so bare with me its not very good lol

TW: Gore, S-icide-?

Vega punched a demon through its stomach, pulling out what he could in one swoop before it fell on its back. Guts and maggots wriggling in his grasp before he dropped it and moved onto the next demon.

He heard a bang before an explosion from his right. "SLAYER-" he called, turning his body in that direction. He spoke calm but he couldnt tell if his voice was worrisome or disappointed, knowing the slayer it was probably his fault something exploded. The pipes behind him popped, some of the wall cracking before exploding. This was probably a result of the last explosion, and the arena was filled with gas and fog.

Vega walked around, trying to listen to groans of zombies or thrown fire balls by imps, pressing onto his helmets speaker button and calling out "Slayer? Where are you?" He let go, waiting for a response.

Soon enough a raspy, gurgled voice spoke "On the top floor, are all the fodder demons down there? I could really go for more ammo."

Vega nodded "i imagine the larger demons rest up top?"

"Mmhm"

Vega shook his head and sighed "i cant see a thing, even the automaps not workin. I'm headin there soon, we'll meet midway."

"Sounds like a plan."

They both were headin towards the stairs, the slayer soon being blinded by the fog, it was rising up.

He heard a familiar noise before looking down from the 3rd balcony, and he called from his helmet as he saw the beams "VEGA, TYRANT-"

Vega turned his body to see if he could find a light, spinning in circles before a blaster soldier ambushed him. Vega grabbed his arm and pulled it out before using it as a bat and wacking the demon unconscious. Soon more demons began circling him, and the slayer jumped down to help. They still Couldn't find one another but they continued to fight as the tyrant shot at anything.

Soon enough a rocket hit Vega, sending him off to the nearest wall and slamming into it. He fell onto all fours before the wall cracked, pipes shooting water and quickly pooling on the floor. The slayer heard it and ran right towards the noise, when he saw the beast tower over his friend.

The slayer pulled out a rocket launcher and balista, setting up both so he could easily switch when he ran out of ammo for the other. He shot the tyrant, trying to derive its attention but it wouldnt budge, he was trying to pick them off one by one, it'd be easier to go after one even if he doesnt survive. He was a child of the dark lord, and so he'd make father proud.

Vega stumbled his way back up, eyes widening as he saw the arm pointed straight in his direction. It felt closer than 5 feet away, freezing in fear as he had no where to dash through. He had the poor boy cornered before setting off his blasters, all 4 rockets slamming into him back to back.

After this the tyrant stumbled, its broken legs growing numb and meat falling off. The slayer jabbed his blade into the demons thick bone, it cracking and chipping like wood as he screamed in pain. He kept pushing it deeper, hitting the bone marrow and deeper blood vessels. He jammed it all the way through, before slicing it down enough to where the rest of the bone folded under pressure. The demon fell to its knees, high enough for the doom slayer to grab onto its horns, crawl onto his face and jab his 12 inch blade straight between the eyes. The vibration hitting through his core as the knife hit his rock hard skull. He did it again, enough for the blade to go through its skull and piercing its brain. Its eyes going blank as blood poured from its nose and wound.

The tyrant fell limp, landing in the water and splashing a wave of water it knocked the slayer down. The rest of the demons in that arena died off burning as their corpses transported back to hell.

The slayer got his balance again and pulled off his helmet as water seeped through, his suit wasnt built for the water.

The fog slowly began to clear up, especially where the water was, and he saw Vega laying limp in his own blood.

The slayer wanted to scream but he knew his already destroyed vocal cords would screw him up even more.

Face laying down in water, the slayer picked him up and laid him on his back. It became abundantly clear his suit was broken, and pieces of it stabbing right through him.

The slayer teared up as he shook vega "VEGA!!" He called before coughing.

Vegas eyes slowly opened but they were only a squint, vegas grip onto him was weak and he breathed heavily. Blood continued to pour from his body, mixing in with the water as his suits helmet fogged up. He didnt know what was worse, 'dying' in the slayers arms or seeing the slayer cry.

He pulled off his helmet and saw his bloody face, nose broken and blood pouring from it. "I'm gonna get you home soon"

Vega shook his head "no.. We're not done here yet"

"You cant take care of yourself alone"

"Which is why im not gonna"

The slayer cocked his head in confusion, Vega continuing with a static and broken voice "I'm gonna die here"

The light his chest bared was slowly fading, it was as bright as it would be when he would sleep. The slayer shook his head "n-" before he could continue Vega pushed his hand against his mouth "you listen to me, take the chip from my suit, bring it back home with you when you're done. We've done this before, i know you can do it again"

The slayer shook his head again and began signing with his hands, throat too scratched up especially when crying. "I can't lose you again, i can't keep losing you."

They both hated watching the other die, even if vegas physical form was just that, a form, and the chip could be transfirmed suit to suit. Even if the slayer had 'lives' an existing boost that would active whenever he was on the brink of death.

Vega pulled the pistol from his side, something the slayer had abandoned ever since hayden shot him back to hell. He put it to the roof of his mouth, it was better to go out this way then to continue bleeding out for what felt like hours.

The slayer looked away as the light flashed, plasma frying every circuit and melting into his core like a fire ball. He dropped him as vega began getting hot, shooting his core the way he did immediately led off to a miniature explosion and his head flying off into pieces. All that was left hanging on his neck was a broken jaw, a few teeth missing and his tongue burnt.

The slayer turned away and puked, it was a horrific sight to see, especially with your husband.

This was one of the hardest moments the slayers had to go through in a long time. His chest no longer heaving with heavy breaths, his light completely gone and body fell completely limp in the slayers grasp. This form had died, and it would take a while for them to make a new one.

But he did what vega requested, abandoned the body, and moved onto the next level.

[isgudinne-moved]

so i did get an anon inquiring about my sudden disappearance on this blog . below the cut is the explanation . PLEASE READ TAGS B4 CONTINUEING 

i cosplay . i cosplay different disney princesses and marvel heroes but i mostly dress up as elsa . i rarely do kids parties bc i mostly do volunteer events that go to charities as well as hospital visits . little girls always want elsa out of all my princesses . and i can understand . so i go as elsa . every visit is hard . they know they have a small possibility of making it and all have come to terms with them dying . i don’t do a lot of those visits but when i get them i can’t say no . on top of that out of all of those in my volunteer group i handle death the best and can keep it together in front of kids and such the best and longest simply because i have dealt with it so much in my life ( esp first hand ) .

but i had a visit in august that killed my want to cosplay and write elsa . i had this little 4 year old girl want elsa to visit her . it was bad . she was so weak but she lit up when she saw me . i stayed there all day because she didn’t have a lot of time left . i brought colouring books and and frozen themed kids books and the lot . at the end of it all she told me “ elsa . when i die can you come to my funeral . “ and of course i said yes . that funeral killed me . to the point where i don’t talk about it . i went to a kids funeral as elsa . and gave a small speach as elsa . that did it more me . i got home . i hung up my dress and put my wig away . took my makeup off and promptly logged out of this account . i couldn’t even watch the movies or listen to any of the songs .

i was gonna come back in oct though because she was stirring in me . but then my step mother’s own cancer got really bad and by mid nov she had passed away . the process of her death took a lot out of me and i knew i couldnt manage 2 main blogs . but im here now . activity won’t be as high as it used to be because of the emotions that come with it but i’m done with hospitial visits for the rest of the year . got loads of parades as elsa this month so happy feelings !

[daggerfall]

Hey, I'm back with more Family Dungeon comments. Okay, so last weekend, we did our first ever dungeon ever--Elden Hollow 1--and it was so easy that we did Elder Hollow 2 right after. And that was easy too. Then we did Fungal Grotto 1 (in under 10 minutes, cause we're doing things on normal, not vet), and THAT was simple too, so we blazed right into Fungal Grotto 2, died a lot to one of the bosses in the middle, realized we'd have to actually Strategize, and then we finished that one, too.

We rode that high for a week and this weekend, on saturday, we were like "let's actually do the undaunted pledges of the day," except it was Crypt of Hearts 2, Fungal Grotto 2, and Unhallowed Grave. We didnt want to do FG2 again, and we figured CoH2 was similarly annoying, and we knew NOTHING about Unhallowed Grave, so off we went.

It was super fun and we had to figure out weird ways to get around certain problems (at one point during the keeper of the kiln fight, I was up on a ledge throwing daggers at her because I was too afraid to go down on the floor and res my mom and sister). We died a bunch, but we did it! We beat all the bosses (minus voria and her crew of semi-hidden bosses)

So, sunday. I respec'd from pure dual weild dps to a staff-using healer, and things started going much smoother. The pledges were City of Ash 1, Spindleclutch 1, and Stone Garden. After Saturday's debacle with things being harder than expected, we thought the daily pledges were chosen to be groups of similar difficulty dungeons per day. CoA1 was laughably easy, SpCl1 was super fun and simple, and off we jaunt to Stone Garden, unsuspecting.

We spent an hour on the middle boss--the stone colossus--and then bailed out because we kept dying without getting it under 50% health. Absolutely terrible, much harder than expected, and we couldnt adapt, even with a mid 300cp stam-plar tank, a mid 500cp self-healing dragonknight tank, and a mid 500cp nightblade healer.

We were well and truly daunted.

We needed an easy win, so we did Wayrest Sewers 1, killed the enemies by barely having to look at them, and then did Wayrest Sewers 2 with similar ease.

So, I guess my question is: Have you beaten Stone Garden, and if so, How? I can provide exact specs for my teammates and their respective gear, but you're not going to like it lol (we have a literal bow/bow templar who mains the grace of gloom set, it's...unconventional)

i do appreciate the stories :D theyre fun to read, honestly seeing others have fun getting into group content is really nice to see. also i’ve done every dungeon on vet and their respective hardmodes lol. 

stone garden as a whole is one of the harder dungeons with not exactly forgiving mechanics (i mostly associate it with being the hardest hardmode ive ever tanked and every time i bring it up with people who have done it with me, we cry a little) a lot of dlc dungeons are going to require people be fully specced out as their respective role according to “the meta” rather than as hybrid roles. in general eso is not super forgiving to hybrids, as you cannot fully dedicate yourself to either role if youre playing a hybrid because of limitations of skill, attribute, and champion point allocation. which is to say, going off your descriptions, a stamplar tank isn’t technically a thing in “the meta” (a tankY stamplar can be a thing, and a templar tank can be a thing, but a damage dealing tank is two roles put into one, and is gonna be less effective at both roles than someone dedicated to only one), and a self healing dk tank is overly descriptive bc a tank needs to be able to partly heal themselves with their own class abilities (as in not resto staves. tanks have to put up a fight themselves to stay alive on their own. unless self healing dk tank means something different than what i am assuming...). a tank is the implied person who is doing taunts (either puncture from sword and shield, or inner fire from Undaunted, or the destructive reach with an ice staff. all other methods of taunting are not real taunts) and you only need one tank to do taunts in dungeons. the person(s) doing damage is allowed to and encouraged to be a bit squishier, because if the tank is taunting the boss and the healer is healing them, they shouldnt have to worry as much about staying alive. a healer invests in magicka and mag recovery, a tank invests in health.

the worst part about that particular fight would be the stone husks on the left side of the room with the aoes that follow someone and drain their resources. what you ideally do is hold the main boss next to the middle stone husk, and as soon as any stone husk activates, pull the boss closer to that husk and focus down the husk. you can catch the main boss in your aoes/cleave damage while getting down the threat quick. your healer keeps you alive with all the fire lightning and ice, you get out of the big fire aoe, you try to keep the resource draining aoe away from you, and you take the fight slow enough to only have one stone husk up at a time. I will say that the fight with arkasis is also kinda rough and i’d probably recommend watching a guide video for that just to get a sneak peak if youre worried. though if you dont want spoilers, you can totally go in guns blazing.

i cant fully give advice without knowing whats killing you in particular, but my general advice is to go a bit more all out in your respective role, though i know i have a slight case of meta-brainrot that makes me forget 1) how easy normal stuff is compared to vet and that they dont really require the same amount of investment to simply Complete compared to vet, and 2) where a lot of people are starting from when they first get into group content and how far i’ve come myself. in general, the standard dungeon team is a tank, a healer, and two damage dealers, and each person invests strongly in their one role rather than 4 people all trying to do every role. there’s Tons of guides out there for each respective class/role combo, and even if they dont really suit your fancy or you cant get those skills right away, they can give you an idea of where to start. i usually just go with googling “*class* *role* eso guide” and just checking several guides for an idea of what common skills they all share.

i do wish you the best gamer!

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

[crowryes]

dr hunger games au

as you may or may not know, i just finished tbosas a few days ago. though of an au where the thh survivors are victors of the games so uhh yea!

this is a big mess

-  Togami Byakuya-District 1

Togami was a big hit during his games, gaining popularity from the moment that he got chosen during the reaping. He acted so capitol like that people had a genuine hard telling if he was district or not. 

Byakuya refused to ally any of the other tributes from the stronger districts( 1, 2, and 4) and somehow made it through the games alone. This made him gain even more fans and sponsors He sat tight for the majority of the games, being showered in gifts by sponsors. However, when it came to it, he killed the last tribute that stood between him and victory. With an extremely intricate plan set up, he killed the last tributes with only a few strands of rope and some of those rations he’d been saving up. This proved him a true capitol man, refusing to get his hands too dirty.

- Asahina Aoi- District 4

Asahina gained popularity through voluntering for her little brother. Most of the capitol thought she’d die early in the games (getting only a 8 during her session with the judges), but her friendship with Oogami Sakura, a tribute from district 2, showed itself to be usefull. During training,the two bonded over their hate of the games. It seemed almost as Oogami actually cared for Asahina’s wellbeing (she did). Their alliance made them gain many sponsors. But at the end, with only 4 tributes left in the arena, Oogami sheilded Asahina from a fatal blow. Asahina was then gifted a trident, the most expensive gift ever given in the games and, full of rage, killed the remaining tributes with it.

- Hagakure Yasuhiro - DIstrict 8

Hagakure was extremely unlucky. He was picked at the age of 18, only a few weeks away from being away from the games for ever. He didnt come from a remarkable district, not much attention to himself. He did have a quite charming sense of humour, as seen during his interview. Other than that, he had nothing going for him. As soon as the games started, he rushed into the wilderness, hiding there for almost the entierety of them. Hagakure showed an aptitude for finding food in the wild. He foraged vegetation and the occasional fish for most of the games, hinding either in trees or in caves.

After most of the wilderness burned (apparently, some district 12 girl was burned on a stake  burned by a bunch of crazed tributes), killing some of the tributes. Hagakure just hid behind the cornucopia as the few remaining tributes fought it out, all bleeding to death.

- Fukawa Toko - district 10

It’s an understatement to say that Fukawa as disliked by the capitol. Such a raggedy, disgusting girl was not worth the capitol’s attention or money. Even during her interview, she barely spoke, mumbling nonsense the whole time

However, unkown to the public, Toko had decided to not stop her alter, Syo, from surfacing. 

Gaining a 12 after her time with the judges (mostly because Syo threw daggers with terrifing accuracy at them), the capitol couldnt help but wonder what this terrified district 10 girl could of done to earn such a high score.

Her hunger games where the shortest that there had ever been. During the first day, she ran straight to the cornucopia and stole as many daggers and knives as she could get her hands on, and slaughtered three of the tributes from the stronger districts.She would actively seek for people to kill through the arena, ending up with 5 murders on the second and third days.

Sponsors loved her, giving her food and water through her time at the games. Syo simply ignored the ressources. When toko would go back to normal, she always felt too guilty too eat anything and would simply curl up in a ball, crying herself to sleep

After seeing her craft makeship scissors with her daggers, she was gifter a pair of silver scissors, with blades like rassors,

She, in total, killed 11 people during the course of her games. Rumors say that upon arriving on the airship, she simply collapsed, almost dying from lack of nuttrition

- Naegi Makoto - District 12

Naegi’s victory truly was only caused by a string of fortunate events. The capitol warmed up to the small, charming boy. Ladies swooned when he made his way upstage for the interview. He seemed timid and sweet during his interview, however... he was exactly like that, much to the audiences surprise.

Naegi gathered a few allies that were much like him, unlucky tributes who came from much poorer districts. Those included and were limited to; A district 8 girl with a beautiful voice, a bashful girl from district 3 (who, later on, much to the audience’s shock, turned out to be a boy) and an angry redheaded boy from district 6.

He believed in his allies, even stopping one of them, the district 8 girl from killing him by calming her down with soothing words, telling her how she was able to get out of here alive. Sadly, the same night, that same girl killed her ally, the redhead, and he did the same.

With only one ally left and despair slowly infecting the duo, Naegi still held onto hope. He believed that he and his ally (who he now knew was named Fujisaki) could win the games. This shocked and slightly angered the audience, who knew there could only be one victor. But he kept talking about victory as if they could win together, as a team. 

Fujisaki devised a plan. She’d run wires around the cornucopia, connecting them to all of the surounding lakes in the arena. If they were lucky, lightning would hit it, the remaining tributes, who were camping it out by the lakes, would be shocked and would die a short and almost painless death.

Much to the audience’s confusion, that was something that the two held to heart. Not making anyone suffer for too long.

Fujisaki’s plan worked, but not without it’s consequences.

Standing too close to the wires, she was electrocuted by the current going through them. Her feet covered in soot, markings running up her legs, she somehow looked peaceful. Like her plan had, in fact, worked the way she wanted it.

Inspecting her closely Naegi was shocked (funny pun go zzzzzzzzzzzap). The girl- no boy- he knew so well was a guy. He shed many tears over his dead boy, closing his eyelids and putting him to rest in a field of tall grass.

Only 3 tributes were left. He was going to win this. For Fujisaki’s sake, and for his own.

He sat next to the cornnucopia, waiting for the others to show up. Two rogue tributes ran out of the wilds, both obviously wanting his death. One of them threw a spear, flying towards him.

A girl threw herself in front of him, piercing her. Tears running down her freckled cheeks, blood on her lips, whispering her last words in his ear. 

I want you to win. I’m unworthy

Naegi grabbed a mace from the weapon stash and bashed the other tributes head, blinded by the tears in his eyes.

---

watch as i progressively get out of writer’s block while writing these lmao

also can you tell i spent my daily bikeride exclusively thinking of naegi’s victory and how much he hates the fact that he had to take a human life

totaly didnt crash when i thought of making chihiro his ally no no nope

[cheswirls]

i had that surgery between posting abt tokrev and now n took a break from reading and so the first half of tenjiku arc is fuzzy BUT i did finish it today so heres an  update, ~190 chapters in

ive been vague b4 but this one will DEF have spoilers im talking openly abt so if you havent finished tenjiku arc dont read anymoreeee

i think i started last time abt the emma ch so to start off this one w the emma ch bc. damn. i think besides being absolutely heartbreaking this cemented kisaki as not necessary the enemy, but as someone who has done wrong. kisaki has been the main villain this entire time, but i mentioned this last time, its different being told someone has done something vs seeing it. besides him n hanma beating up chifuyu, everything kisaki has done hasnt had any proof to it. even when he says  something akin to ‘damn my plan is foiled’ its less admission when theres nothing to back it.

but emma changes that. now theres a homicide associated w kisaki. now theres a bad thing hes done right in front of the mc, and for all the viewers/readers to see. now hes equivocated w the death of emma. 

i think emmas death matters for two reasons, and one more than the other. the first is the impact it has on mikey. its shown a few times now what death will do to him, like w shinichirou and baji, but w emma it hits different. im gonna contrast her and baji on both points, not to take away from baji’s death, but to add to emmas.

if im not mistaken a majority of baji scenes were only shown after his death. i think it worked and the valhalla arc was  rly well structured, but what this left in turn was a sort of emptiness associated w baji dying. the readers didnt rly know him at all compared to some of the other toman captains, and it rly hadnt been shown yet wwhat his relationship w mikey was like. we see the effect it has in his rage towards kazu, and none of his grieving. even when at bajis grave, its chifuyu that gets a bigger focus than mikey. but w emma, it actively tears mikey up. he struggles to carry her to the hospital, hes visibly shaken when he tells takemichi shes grown cold, and hes absolutely dead inside when hina is crying at emmas corpse and drakon is yelling at him asking why he let it happen. it hits hard, and it shows, and it makes the impact that much harder, that she died in the past and theres no way tofix it. and the realization takemichi has right before, of ‘o yeah ive never seen grown emma come to think abt it’ then bam.

the second and much bigger point is the emotional impact is has on the reader. baji appears and is instantly a source of conflict. he outs himself from toman, he joins the enemy, he denounces chifuyu when questioned abt investigating kisaki. theres no reason to trust him n no reason to think he’ll turn back, and then only thing there is mikey saying he wants baji back.

emma had that amazing chapter not long before, and shes had a few focal points previously, like on her birthday, and on new years, etc. we’ve seen her as an individual first, then as mikey’s sister, and that makes a difference. seeing her even admitting izana was her brother rly hit different bc its emma, the emma that grew up w shin and mikey but had another life before that. that was the connection i kept making, even as izana explained he had more relation w shinichirou, bc it was mentioned by emma first, bc emma remembered him, after all those years. knowing izana was involved w her death made it hit harder. it hits harder in general bc its emma, someone whos been around since the beginning, and been explored more in depth. i felt sad when baji died, but i was destroyed and heartbroken when emma died.

which, going back, makes kisaki in turn absolutely despicable. deplorable. abhorrent. unforgivable. even more so when he shoots kaku, and then izana, thrice, and then izana dies. i still rly didnt. get? izanas motivations, but i started to feel for him thru mikey, when he realized it was izana shin meant when he asked abt a second older brother. kaku getting shot was unexpected and almost worse than emma in the moment, bc kisaki had a gun and even knives were kinda taboo weapons, guns were completely off the table, and he shot five times andinjured three people w every shot. im glad the tenjiku members that stayed behind told police abt kisaki bc the entire time he was running i was like um??? and even B4 that i was like hey no mikey you dont need to stay, yall jus nee to beat kisaki into submission n have him confess bc the gun is right there, the bullets are there, cmon now.

but then kisaki dies/????? the way its set up made me go crazy, thinkin someone did it purposely, but then the driver was a nobody, and then hes still alive after impact???? big surprise honestly. but then his arm n leg are emessed up, n he says he cant get up, n it took me a sec to realize he prolly lost coordination n not jus bc of one leg, like he prolly couldnt sit up at all, then he up n died rightthere. 

b4 thattho, was the confirmation. i completely always thought kisaki wasnt a timeleaper, i thought takemichi made atheory but  it was baseless, i didnt rly like it, and then the scene during the vs tenjiku when he says future stuff n kisakis like what?? are yiu talking abt??? BUT THEN then have their standoff in the same parking lot n kisaki says you are a timeleaper and i was like what? he can also??? but then he coudnt! he admitted, was like no in ever could, which means someone else is pulling strings if there is another timeleaper, andmy moneys on hanma, the only other one whos been around the whole time. maybe ill b surprised but i f its not him then theres not another one, imo.

kisaki dying caught me off guard. his whole ten year plan was absolutely nuts, ic ant believe he thought he could go up to hina n straight propose n she would say yes, like honestly would she even remember him at that point? regardless i knew from the cram school chapters that there was some connection there, but i didnt think hina dying was some jealousy-fueled hate revenge plot. wild. but now the “main” villain is dead so what goes from here? we willn see.

i am rly glad kaku made it out. tallying 3 deaths in the kanto incident was so confusing w emma being one of them but the reveal that kaku was alive was rly something. i hope more comes from him!! the setup between him n takemichi was rly rly nice!!!! i wanna see more

i am kinda sad abt coco, bc thesetup of takemichi protecting him from div5 was great, n inui is a permanant fixture in div1 now, so to see coco decide to split was kinda sad. hope he doesnt go down the wrong path. kinda expected to see more knowing how popular him n inui are?? but nontheless

and smiley and angry were so good!! souta and kawata are amazing and souta was not like what i was expecting at all, n now knowing that he cares a lot n is not rly a fighter but iss till in toman jus. rly speaks a lot abt mikeys judge of character n kawatas older brotherschtich that they would let him be vice of div4. seeing what kawata and mitsuya both did during tenjiku arc was rly nice. 

and then hina telling drakon andmikey!!! surprised they believed, but it rly will mak things move now. for ex the gun scene where hes abt to shoot kisaki, rly ready to end it, but then hina n mikey rush in. i rly like that knowing that they both know this takemici is from the future, bc they panic but their faith in him isnt lost ,y’know? like they see him desperate, n drakon has a great line abt takemichi’s desperation, theyre not seeing their friend abt toshoot someone n freaking, n they wont judge his sense of character off of that,instead theyre seeing the desperation of someone who wants things to change, and know they can talk him out of it, or if not that then at least ,like, its not going to change what they think abt him. iunno jus. nice little detail i loved while reading that.

[shadedrose01]

hi! can u pls do number 14 (in the angst section thing) on ur latest prompt post? maybe hurt/comfort or just whump if possible? thank u :D

If The World Was Ending (You'd Come Over, Right?)

A/N: you ask for whump and hurt/comfort, I give you whump and hurt/comfort hehe. Thanks for the prompt, anon, I hope you enjoy it!! :D ❤💖

Read it on ao3 here!

Based off of the prompt:

14. "Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!?"

~~

"Hey Pete." A sigh, low, quiet, sad. "I know I'm the- the last person you probably want to hear from right now and definitely the last one you want to talk to, but..." A pause, some shuffling in the background. "We're all worried about you, Peter. You left, and didn't tell anyone where you were going and-" Another sigh, similar to the first. "Just- call someone, please? It doesnt-" quiet, more subdued, "Doesn't have to be me, just- call Tony, or May, or somebody, let them know you're okay. That's all I ask." Another pause, longer and quieter than before, full of tension, empty words, broken promises. A puff of breath. "Come home as soon as possible, okay? I-... I love you."

A beep signaling the end of the message echoes in the larger, almost empty room, and Peter throws his arm over to press the end button before the robot lady can ask if he wants to listen to it again, or delete it, or whatever. He rubs away the stray, angry tears from his eyes, feeling his stomach clench with the swirl of intense emotions, feeling as it shrivels from the heat of his frustration, rocks from the waves of his sorrow, and bitterness and- and- god he doesnt even know.

Hes just... tired. Bone aching, soul crushingly tired. With everything. With his work load at school growing and growing everyday, spiraling out of his control. With Tony yelling at him in the lab, because he always messes something up. With Harley, who finds something to argue with him about every single day, the screaming matches getting louder and louder every night. With May, moving on with Happy and forgetting about him more and more, time and time again. With his friends, who always seem to be hanging out, but never with him, never inviting him anywhere anymore. With Spider-Man, and the way people seem to keep dying on his patrols, on his watch, because god, he cant even do that right. The one thing he thought he could do with his eyes closed, and he keeps fucking that up too.

And now, now he did the worst thing possible. Worse than fighting every night with someone he thought was the love of his life. Worse than getting scolded at his dream job everyday, by his mentor and father figure. Worse than being forgotten by the only mother he really remembers, by his friends that he grew up with.

He ran away. He broke down, freaked out, and ran. Stuffed as much clothes as he could find into a suitcase, called the first hotel away from the city he could think of, booked a suite for the night and took off without telling a soul. Not his boyfriend, not his mentor, not his aunt, not his friends. Nobody. Because he just couldnt take it anymore. He couldn't handle the constant fighting, the barrage of stress and anxiety a mountain high that he knew he couldn't climb, the loneliness, bitter and cold and empty that surrounded him, suffocated him even as he laid beside a warm body every night, and talked with people everyday. The piercing, heartwrenching thought that everyone he loved was going to leave, to break up with him, to get tired of him, to forget him, and he was going to be all alone.

So, instead of facing it and communicating about his fears like a normal, mature adult, he ran. Like a fucking coward. And, instead of relaxing him and giving him a chance to get away like he thought it would, it just made everything so much worse.

Now, he was stressing out even more, thinking about all the classwork he was missing, all the assignments piling up. Thinking about Tony, waiting for him to show up, trying not to panic when he doesn't, probably checking the monitor on his watch and his suit activity, to see where he had went. Thinking about his aunt, waiting for him to come bake with her like he had promised, and worrying when he doesnt show, because he always shows. Thinking about... Harley. Harley, coming home after a long day of schooling. Harley, noticing that Peter wasnt home, like he usually was. Harley, noticing that most of Peter's clothes were gone, his side of the room left in chaos. Harley, probably thinking the absolute worst.

Peter remembers the calls. The way his phone vibrating again and again as Harley called him over and over, leaving voicemails, telling him he was worried, telling him to call him back, that they could work it out, whatever it was, voice frantic, and then Tony, joining the mix an half an hour or so later, probably when Harley had fully begun to panic. But then, the silence. After about an hour of constant ringing (and Peter trying his hardest to ignore it), the calls suddenly stopped. Harley called one last time, ten minutes later, leaving one last voicemail, but after that... nothing. Pure, unfiltered, crushing silence.

After Peter had gotten to his hotel and broken down once more in the tiny, too clean room, he had listened to that voicemail on repeat, just to drown out his screaming thoughts that plagued his mind, just to listen to the ending again and again and again.

"I...I love you."

When was the last time they had said that to each other? Through text, maybe a few days or weeks ago, but in person? Peter couldn't remember. A while. Too long.

His escape was turning into a nightmare the longer he sat in this room, getting smaller and smaller, almost suffocating as the minutes turned to hours, as the day turned to night, and he couldn't take it anymore, he had to get out of here. Had to do something, go for a walk, clear his head, something, anything.

He basically jumps out of the hard, creaky bed, grabbing the card key had haphazardly thrown onto a table when he first walked in, and exiting the room, the building as soon as he physically could. He takes in a long, deep breath, feels the mid October air chill his lungs, giving a nice tingling sensation before he exhales, already feeling his muscles beginning to relax, his heart beginning to slow.

He looks left and right, before beginning his trek, feet crunching against frost with each step against the frozen concrete, the wind whistling against his red tipped ears, quiet, a whisper, definitely not enough to drown out his racing mind, his screaming thoughts, his growing anxiety creeping and wrapping around his neck like a noose, pulling tighter and tighter the more he thinks, the more he steps, the more he moves and breathes and functions. He takes another deep breath, trying to ward off another attack, another episode, but it doesnt work, the feeling getting worse and worse.

He feels a tingle at the back of his neck, sharp and harsh, but ignores it in favor of his breathing, trying to keep his lungs working as they should, trying to get oxygen to his overworking brain, to his stampedeing heart.

Rookie mistake.

He feels a prick on the side of his neck, and his instincts kick in before he does, his body flinching violently and whipping around, throwing a punch that sends the perpetrator flying back, hitting multiple bystanders before landing on his ass. Peter would've found it funny if there wasnt three others, surrounding him on all sides, grabbing at his arms, legs, torso, anywhere they could reach. And if he wasnt feeling so damn dizzy all of a sudden, the world spinning off its axis, vision doubling. He tries to fight back, tries to struggling, but his limbs feel like lead, his head feels fuzzy, and darkness envelops his vision before he can even blink.

--

Conciousness hits him like a ton of bricks, jerking him awake. As soon as his eyes are open, he's alert, on edge, wary, glancing around the unfamiliar room and trying to pinpoint where he is. It's a dark room, the walls, floor and ceiling all seemingly made of concrete, the only light shining through a sliver of a window near the roof on one of the walls. He must be underground, then, in what looks like some sort of basement, the room too small, and too familiar to be a warehouse or a base for an evil team somewhere. He notices a new more details, like a frayed rope on the ground, a table with some tools on it, and a few darker stains on the ground that Peter tries his best not to think too much about, and comes to some conclusions.

It's a one man job, definitely, not a group of people, and definitely not some well known group like Hydra. 'But there was more of them', he remembers, fuzzily, three men who had grabbed him once the sedative was given. What part do they have to play? Aside from that mystery, he also knows that they've done this before (from the stains that looks conspicuously like blood), and, the most terrifying fact of them all, that they know he's Spider-Man, the strong metallic cuffs that have to be vibranium holding him back, even as he tries with all his might to break through. He doesnt know how they found out, he's kept his identity pretty lock and key, but apparently they know somehow. So that's great, just perfect.

He doesn't know what he's going to do. His first thought is that he'll wait for Harley in his Iron Lad suit, or for the Avengers, or both to come save him, get him out of this mess, but then he remembers they can't. They don't know where he is, he never told them, so they wouldn't know where to look, where to start. They wouldn't even know he was kidnapped, much less know how to save him.

He feels his heart start to race, his chest start to squeeze, this throat start to close, before he forces himself to take a long, deep breath, shutting his eyes and calming himself down. Having a panic attack wont solve anything. He's alone in this, he needs to think clearly.

Okay, where to start, where to start? He needs an escape plan. He opens his eyes, and glances to the slim window, leaning forward and looking closer, seeing faint bars blocking the outside. Okay, so that's a no go for an exit, but what about the door? He looks to the old wooden door, the brown turning gray in its age, with a metal handle and a simple key lock. He could probably pick the lock, or break down the door if he couldnt. Good, now, he just needs to figure out how to get out of these cuffs-

Way too soon for Peter's liking, a loud click echoes in the room, and the door creaks open, a shorter, bigger man walks in, dressed head to toe in black and wearing a white anonymous looking mask. Cause that's not cliche at all. He feels a spike of anxiety either way, and swallows, wishing he had his mask on so he could hide a bit of the fear he knows he's expressing on his face (Harley always said he wore his heart on his sleeve, said it was one of the things he loves about him. Used to love about him anyways.)

"Good evening, Mr. Parker." The man says, voice low and rumbly, sounding pretty much exactly as Peter expected him to sound, surprisingly enough. Stereotypical villain smokes-three-packs-a-day kinda voice.

It's the greeting that causes Peter to snicker, grinning. "Ooo, so formal! You're like a James Bond kinda villain, I dig it! Yo, how do you like your drinks, shaken or-"

He's in the middle of doing his godawful impression when the man shoots forward and punches him across the face, and ow that hurt waaaay more than a punch should. He feels the burns of cuts on his face, the tingling of liquid running down his cheek, sees the brass knuckles reflect off of the sunlight through the window, and thinks 'huh, that makes sense.'

"Shut it, Spidey." He sneers, and Peter winces, his face scrunching up instinctually before he forces it to go blank. Sure, he knew that the man knew he was Spider-Man, but actually hearing him say it, hearing him confirm it sends a chill down his spine, cooling him from the inside out. He must've seen the flinch on Peter's face, because the man continues menacingly, starting a slow walk around Peter's chair. "Yeah, I know who you really are, Peter Parker. I've been watching you for a while now. Know about your wall climbing, your webs..." The man yanks at his handcuffs, making Peter's body crash back against the chair. Peter struggles to keep his face neutral as pain seares up his back, his neck, the back of his head. "Your super strength." He breathes into Peter's ear, before letting go, Peter slumping back against the cool metal, trying to look smaller than he really is. "I know it all, Mr. Parker."

Peter glares at him when he comes back into view, hoping his eyes dont give away his true emotions, dont give away how scared he really is. "That's really creepy, dude. Don't you know anything about personal space?" He gets another punch to the face for that, his teeth throbbing as a warm, metallic taste fills his mouth. He spits out the blood, the bright red a stark contrasting against the older stains on the concrete, and mutters "guess not" under his breath.

"Personal space." The man grumbles, before laughing bitterly, no taste of humor in the tone. "As if you know anything about that."

Peter's face scrunches up, and he tilts his head, feeling bitterness rise up this throat. "Sorry, I'm not following, how do I not know about that? I'm not the kidnapping people after stalking them. I dont even know who you are, dude." He braces for another hit, but it doesnt come, the man just chuckling harshly again.

"Oh no, you wouldn't." The man leans forward, mask almost pressing against Peter's face, and theres a line about 'again, personal space, man' on the tip of his tongue, but the words die and his head drops straight to hell as soon as the man finishes his sentence. "But your boyfriend would."

Harley... Harley's involved in this? How? Why? What did he do? His shock, his fear must show on his face because theres a hint of mirth, of amusement in the man's voice as he speaks. "Oh, the great and mighty Iron Lad, the hier to Iron Man, the savior of us all." His tone is bitter, mocking now, and Peter feels cold, colder than he's ever felt, icy cold horror freezing his heart, his lungs. "That's what everyone said. That's what everyone thought. That's what I thought." The man snorts, short and careless, bitter. "And then he killed my family."

"He would never." Peter spits out venomously before he can even think, his heart racing, aching. He wouldn't. Even if they were on bad terms, even if they were on a break, or whatever he could call what they were going through, he knew for a fact Harley would never hurt someone intentionally, especially not someone innocent.

"Oh, but he did." The man leans back, basically growling now, voice strained, crazy, beginning to pace back and forth. "He did, he killed her, he killed them, all of them. Crashed into our building, our house, our home, and he killed them all."

Peter just stares wordlessly, eyes wide, wracking his brain, trying to think of a time Harley crashed into a building. It was during a fight most likely, but Peter always remembers him in the air, on the ground, never getting hit, never-

Suddenly, a memory floods over him, and he swallows roughly, chest squeezing. "August 1st, 2024." He murmurs solemnly, quietly, and the man's head suddenly stops, head jerking to face Peter.

"You know." He wasnt a question, so Peter doesnt treat it as one, lost in the memory of Harley sobbing loudly against his shoulder, wailing that he had the window, that the wall had collapsed, that there was a woman, and a kid, and that he couldn't save them. It was the first time Harley had ever lost anyone, the first time Harley had watched someone die. It was one of the roughest nights they ever had.

"He tried to save them." He whispers instead, his heart aching at the reminder, at Harley's description ringing through his head. Of how he lifted the rubble off of the bodies. Of how he checked the mother first, finding no pulse. Of how the kid, the son, was still alive, but his legs, his body had been crushed. Of how Harley had tried to help, tried to save him. Of how the boy had coughed up blood, had wheezed, had looked Harley in the eye, his own full of fear and agony. Of how he had taken his last breath in Harley's arms, broken and beaten and bruised. It had taken Harley months, years to get over it, and he still couldnt look at the date without rushing to the bathroom to vomit. Peter shakes his head, shaking away the thoughts. "He tried. There wasn't anything he could do."

"He killed them." The man snarls, apparently not in the mood to listen to Peter's truth. "He murdered them, with his own two hands and-" he pauses, straightens, his voice going soft, quiet, eerily calm and collected when he says "And now, he's going to get what he deserves."

Peter can almost hear the maniacal grin on his face as he grabs Peter's chin and tilts it up, until Peter's eyes connect to the eye holes of the white, porcelain mask, covered only by a thin black mesh. "Because now, I'm gonna take away the thing he loves."

It's barely a whisper, what he says, but with his enhanced hearing, Peter hears it crystal clear, and he freezes, paralyzes, terrified. He yanks at the handcuffs again, and again, the cuffs getting tighter and tighter, cutting into him as he does, but not breaking, not freeing him, barely even moving-

The man walks over to the table, and grabs something Peter hadnt even seen earlier, his phone, and turns it on. "What's your password?"

It would be such an innocent question, if they werent in this situation. Someone someone, a friend usually, would ask carelessly, casually, something like "what's the wifi password?". Peter just narrows his eyes, and keeps his lips shut.

The man doesn't like that very much, as there's suddenly a very real pistol pointed at his forehead, coming out of seemingly nowhere, 'he hadnt even seen the gun, where the-' "Tell me, now."

He sounds serious, grave. Peter swallows a whimper threatening to escape, and gives it to him, making sure to keep his tone level, confident, firm, like he knows he'll be fine, like he knows hes going to get out of this, even though he feels the exact opposite. But he can't, won't let this man find that out, so he tries his best to act brave. To act like Spider-Man, even if he feels like cowardly Peter Parker. Man, he wishes he had his mask.

The man puts the code in, humming to himself as if this is normal, a regular routine act, before a loud ringing echoes in the room, and Peter's stomach drops. Of course he's going to call Harley. Of course he's going to make sure Harley knows what's happening to Peter.

Of course he's going to make Harley listen while he dies. Why wouldn't he? He wants revenge, revenge for something Harley didnt even do, and this how he's gonna get it.

Peter looks to the sky, swallowing roughly and blinking the tears out of his eyes, he's gotta be strong, gotta seem unaffected, gotta have hope. But that hope, that little light in his chest is dwindling more and more as the seconds pass, as the phone rings again and again, as horrible scenario after horrible scenario runs through his head, until-

"Hello?? Pete, are you there??" Peter cant help the silent sob that shutters his body, some of the tears in his eyes spilling down his cheeks as Harley's, his boyfriend, the love of his life, the one he thought he was going to get to marry one day's voice rings out in the cold, cold room, sounding almost breathless with relief and hope that it crushes Peter's already shattered heart even more. Theres so many things he wants to say,  so many words he wishes he could take back, so many he wishes he could say again and again, over and over until it was engraved into Harley's head, never moving, never wavering.

But before he can speak, the man speaks up for him, voice filled with a mock amusement. "Hmm, not quite. Mr. Parker's a little-" he chuckles, dark and ominous. "Tied up at the moment."

There's a pause, long and dwindling, full of palpable fear that causes a few more tears to slip from Peter's eyes, knowing, knowing how terrified Harley is, and when he speaks back up, voice low, shaky, angry, Peter knows he's right. "What have you done to him?"

"Oh, nothing." The man singsongs, grabbing underneath Peter's chin and forcing his head upwards, before brushing away his tears with a thumb. With anybody else, itd be a soothing gesture, an act of delicacy, of love, but all Peter can feel is disgust, bile rising in his throat, and he jerks his head of his his grip, glaring heatedly. The man drops his hand, and his body posture stiffens. "At least, not yet." He mutters harshly.

Another pause, and some shuffling, before Harley's voice cuts back in, sounding stronger this time, calmer, but it's an act, Peter can tell, Peter can always tell- "What do you want?"

"You can't give me what I want!" The man yells, suddenly slamming his fist into the table, Peter flinching from the loud bang that results from it. "I had everything I ever wanted, and you took it away from me! You took everything away from me!"

A puff of breath comes through the speaker, trembling. "I dont know what you're talking about-"

"You dont?" The man interrupts, breathing hard, harshly, before laughing manically as Peter starts to tug at the cuffs again, glancing around the room and trying, trying to think of a way out, of an escape route, of something, anything- "You don't remember? The night you killed my wife and son? Crushed them under the rubble of your mistakes?"

Harley makes a heartbroken, aching, painful noise, the sound reverberating as Peter shouts at the man, spits, "He didn't mean to! It was an accident!-"

The man whirls around and smacks Peter with his gun, hard, making his vision tunnel, the room spinning, his head suddenly pounding where it was only a light throb before. He grimaces, closes his eyes, grits his teeth with a wince, feels the hair on the side of his head grow wet and sticky with blood as he tries to settle this dizziness that's overwhelming him. "Shut up!!" The man roars, causing Peter to flinch again because its so loud, it's too much- "He killed my family! And now," Another laugh, the barrel of the gun now pressing against Peter's forehead, the cool of the metal seeping into his skin. Peter opens his eyes to stare at it, wide eyed and unfocused. "Now, he's going to listen as I take his."

Peter struggles even more, even though his limbs now feel like concrete, as the gun clicks, the safety coming off, the bullet lining up with the barrel, ready to shoot, ready to kill him-

"Wait!" Harley cries, his calm exterior deteriorating, leaving his true emotions on full show, the panic, the distress. "Please, your wife and son wouldn't want this-"

"You dont know that! You dont know anything!" The gun presses further into his forehead, finger laying on the trigger and suddenly, Peter is calm.

It's a strange, out of body calmness that washes over him like a wave, gentle, soothing. He stares up at the anonymous like mask, at the man wearing all black, and the faint sight of deranged eyes he can see through the black mesh of the eye holes, at the reflective gray of the pistol, and he feels calm. He's going to die, staring at this mask, this person, knowing that the love of his life, his soulmate is listening, and all he feels is an eerie calm, everything slowing down to a stop. He gives a faint smile, barely a twitch of his lips, before saying, loud enough so the phone can pick it up, "I love you."

He closes his eyes, and waits for the inevitable. He doesn't hear hear the sob like scream that Harley let's out, calling his name. He doesn't hear the door burst open, and three bodies rushing into the room. He doesnt hear the repulors and guns going off, killing the man almost instantly. He doesnt hear anything but his heart beat, pulsating in his ears, and a loud constant ringing, until the gun shifts against his head, until hands grab at his shoulders and shake him violently, until he opens his eyes and sees Harley's face two inches away from his, blue, ocean eyes wide with terror, mouth moving frantically, the one curl of hair always in front of his face flowing as his body jerks with his movements.

Then, suddenly, everything rushes back. The tsunami of emotions, of fear, of grief, of pain and hurt and 'god I'm so sorry' floods back over him. Sounds, Harley blabbering "Come on, Pete, answer me, please," in his ear, while others (he cant even tell who they are, can't even-) talking beside them, over the dead body of his captor, 'they got him, he's dead, I'm not dead, he's dead-'. His vision, blurry with tears he didnt even know he was shedding, spinning with the concussion he knows he has, going back and forth as Harley's actions get more frantic, more worried, his voice getting higher the longer Peter doesn't answer.

"Peter, baby, please say something, please be okay, please be-" Peter just leans forward and presses his lips to Harleys sloppily, almost missing from the dizziness still plaguing his mind, his thoughts, successfully shutting him up. Harley makes a strangled sound, before kissing back passionately, hands on either side of his face, salty tears pooling out of his eyes and into their mouths.

They pull away after a few moments, only for Harley to pull Peter to his chest, breathing out, chanting, "Oh thank God, thank you, thank you-" and Peter presses his face into his neck, feeling himself start to shake, to tremble as he slowly falls apart, wrapping his arms around his back and grasping onto the metal of his suit tightly, sobbing loudly. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Shhhhh," Harley soothes shakily, rubbing a strong hand up and down his back. "It's okay, you're okay. Everything's okay."

Peter pushes through anyways, needing to say this, needing to- "I-I didnt- didnt mean to run away, I-I just- I need-needed to get away, and-"

"I know," Harley murmurs, cutting him off gently, "I know, baby, I know, it's okay." He sighs quietly, sounding sullen, guilty. "I'm sorry too. But it's okay. We're okay."

Peter nods shakily, hoping, believing him, squeezing his eyes shut and shuttering, curling more into Harley's chest. "I love you." He whimpers, "I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you too." Harley whispers back, pressing a light kiss to Peter's cheeks, carefully missing the bruises and cuts, pulling the trembling boy even closer. "So so much. Forever and always."

"Forever and always." Peter echoes, sniffling.

Things aren't perfect, Peter knows. He knows that they still have a long, long talk about everything that's happened, and that things arent going to click into place immediately. They may not for a while, but as long as they're here, safe, warm, alive and loved... Peter knows that they'll figure it out, together.

[lowkeyhockey]

kiss me once (you know i had a long night) - freddie andersen

Prompt: Do you have any idea who you just pissed off?

Pairing: Freddie Andersen/Single Mother!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of sexual activity

Word Count: 1.9k

Writer’s Notes: Shoutout to my first fic! It’s a oneshot that’s going to be part of a bigger verse titled Can I Go (Where You Go) featuring [Y/N], a single mother, Lila, your five year old daughter, and Freddie Andersen - a man very happy to be dragged along for the ride. Each oneshot fic can be read as a standalone, and the fics won’t have the same rating/warnings, so make sure you check! Thanks so much for reading, and please hmu if you have a prompt/request/critique!

Summary: Someone went to bed a little angry, someone’s utterly exhausted, and someone (probably) needs a cold shower. But hey, we all have our problems 8D

"Do you have any idea who you just pissed off?" 

 Even his famous goalie reflexes couldn't save him from the dinosaur stuffie you threw at his face - and if you were thinking more rationally you'd realise that he'd let you play target practice to let your frustrations out, but you weren't, so you didn't. Still, you couldn't help the slight smile that grew (despite your best efforts) on your face just from watching the bear slowly slide down, its wide, pearly white grin replaced by Freddie's furrowed brow like a real life slide transition.

 But then, seeing Freddie's face usually made you smile. It was kind of a hazard of the job. Maybe someone stronger, someone more used to seeing the kind of gentle concern Freddie currently had in his eyes, might have been better equipped against his face, especially considering the year and a half you'd been together. 

 Someone else might have built up an immunity, or allowed familiarity to breed contempt. But for you, both scenarios were impossible things - more science fiction than possibility - and your poor daughter was suffering for it. 

 Of course, what you called suffering someone else might consider sleeping in her bed, all five years and two hours of her completely turned off from the world, pudgy little arms wrapped around a Carlton the Bear bear Freddie had gotten for her before he'd gone on his roadie. 

 The fact that Carlton had replaced Barney - your birthday present for Lila from last year - in her bed had nothing to do with your using Barney as a makeshift weapon. Nope. You were just doing what every single single mother quickly learned to do - that was, use every single tool in her arsenal to get the job done. 

 Poor Freddie had had to be reminded of it the hard way, the reminder coming barely seconds after he himself had walked through the front door, as quiet about it as thief - or a dad coming home at two am, long after he'd promised his little girl he'd be home. 

 He caught Barney with both hands before the stuffie could hit the ground, left his luggage bag by the door as he walked to you, holding the toy out like a peace offering. God, but he looked gorgeous this way - red hair tousled like he'd ran his hands through it out of frustration a time or ten, those large hands of his dwarfing the toy, his game day suit rumpled in a way that begged you to go and take it off for him. You'd be doing both of you, not to mention the suit, a favour, really. 

More than one suit’s been found with a button missing after Freddie’s had to undress himself, with you waiting for him in your shared bed.

 Freddie in a suit was a sight meant to set your heart racing. Freddie freshly out of a suit - even the idea of it  should probably have sent you into cardiac arrest by now. The fact that you were still standing, still giving him that tired half-smile masquerading as a frown, was probably something of a medical miracle. 

 But then, since meeting Freddie, you'd never managed to forget exactly how lucky you are. 

Lila wasn't allowed to leave her toys lying around and Freddie usually kept to the rule too, and this time he dropped Barney into the toy bin against the wall before he filled his arms with you instead - holding on so tight that you could imagine, for a few seconds, that he was never going to let go. It was nice to dream that he wouldn't, to relax against his solid warmth, to rest your forehead against his shoulder. 

 You couldnt hug him back - his arms were too tight around you, held you too close, and you wanted to tease him about the way he seemed to deliberately keep you from grabbing onto any more weapons - but you couldn't do that, either. 

 Not when he leaned down to brush his lips against your hair, then your temple, then the high point of your cheekbone, sliding down your jaw as though dying for a taste of each last inch of you. He'd pulled far enough away from you by then for you to rest a palm against his chest, huffing out his name and - again - trying to sound more annoyed than amused and - again - failing, and the next time his lips landed against your skin you could feel the way they were twisted into a smile. 

 Solid, stoic Freddie Andersen could barely kiss his girl without breaking out into a grin - you grinned yourself then to feel it, to imagine the way his boys would (and have) hoot in laughter to see it, and that was maybe the signal Freddie needed - the next time his lips landed on you, they landed squarely against your own, his tongue brushing against your lower lip until you relented and allowed him to kiss you more deeply. 

 Allowed him to make you lose your mind, in other words, stealing your breath and making you forget you had a kindergartner in the room right off your living room, the soft glide of his tongue against yours making you wish for his tongue to slide - just as smooth - elsewhere. He knew all of your favourite spots. 

Freddie was the one to pull away, thumb brushing at your lips until you realised you were pouting up at him. Though whether that was because of his late arrival, or Carlton, or the fact that he'd stopped kissing you was up for debate. Come to think of it, there was a lot he needed to make up to you for. 

 "You?" he asked, voice coming out sleep-rough, the one word coming out as half-an exhalation against your lips - making you wish, again, that he was kissing you, would keep kissing you, would let you kiss him all over. 

 But then, communication was - you've been told - a healthy part of any relationship.  

 And his still-furrowed brow look was filled with enough hope to make you laugh aloud, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck. "You wish you'd pissed me off," you shoot back, tilting your head to Lila's bedroom door. "She knew you weren't going to make it to her birthday. She's fine with that. But we both hoped you'd be back in time to tuck her in. That was her last night as a five year old." 

 "Okay, but she's been telling everyone she's six for five months now."

 You laugh again, this time at the attack on your daughter - what a mother you are. But Freddie was smiling too, the crease in his brow fading away at the sound of your laughter, so maybe it was okay. By this point, Freddie was almost as much of a parent as you are - god knows he's read more books on the subject than you ever did. 

 "You believed her," you pointed out, curling the fingers of the hand you still had against his chest - a tool at your disposal, ready for use - and pulling him down until you could kiss him again. He allowed you three brief pecks, each time teasing, chuckled low in his chest when you let out a frustrated groan. 

 "Greedy," he chided, and you were just about to tell him exactly how greedy he makes you feel when he tilts his head to Lila's door, looking - again - like someone had had to put down a dog, and it was somehow his fault. 

 Freddie tended to take the whole world onto his shoulders - he did it with his team, he did it with his friends, and he did it with your family - the family he insisted to the world was his, with every little thing he ever did. 

 Like take Lila to family skate, patiently teaching her how to take baby steps and how to get up each time she fell, until she was racing across the ice (while you watched from the entrance to the ice, heart in your throat) by the end of the day. Like stay with you through your last, short stay at the hospital, only leaving to check on Lila at her grandparents' and bring you back illicit treats and fresh clothes. Like book his own seat, in a commercial flight, because the team plane wasn't heading back to Toronto until the day after Lila's birthday.

Was it his faul the plane had been delayed? No. But Lila had been upset that he hadn't gotten back in time for a bedtime story, and Freddie had been upset because he'd planned on surprising Lils at her birthday party, and you'd been upset because 

a) the two people you loved most in the world were unhappy, and

b) you missed him. 

 So when you murmured "five days is way too long for you to be gone," he understood, and believed you, pulling you closer into the curve of his body again. You didn't mean - you never meant - to sound as though you resented his schedule; what mattered was that he came back, and he always did. 

 "She'll probably forgive you when you surprise her with pancakes in bed tomorrow," you told him, and he makes a soft humming sound as though considering it - as though he wasn't already on planning on that, and to use his free day tomorrow to take Lila wherever she wanted - like the zoo. Or an art museum. Or a build-a-bear workshop. See how Carlton likes getting replaced. 

 It was maybe a little mean to talk Freddie into getting out of bed before Lila, who was, in her tiny, infernal heart of hearts the worst kind of morning person, but you knew by then that if Freddie didn't have some kind of way to make amends he'd do more and more ridiculous things out of guilt. That was how Lila had ended up with her own personal bouncy castle last summer - and the castle's still standing, in a room at Freddie's house he's not going to get back until Lila hits middle school at least.

 The smile he gives you, eyes all wrinkled in the corners, is enough to make you feel like a superhero and a Disney villain in one. 

 "Pancakes for the little princess, and for my princess?" he asked, and no matter how many times he's called you that you still blush, just a little, just enough for him to unwind one arm around you to chase the colour with his thumb. 

 "We don't have time for a scene tonight, but maybe tomorrow, hm? I'll get Lila nice and sugared first, then work that energy off at the park or something, and then we'll foist her off onto your parents." 

 You nod then, then, tilt your head back for one last kiss, and this time he gives it to you. The next kiss, he presses against your forehead before he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. The last one, before you fall asleep, you feel pressed into your hand as he brings it up to his lips, the murmured "I love you" he said to you in Danish understandable only because he's said it so many times. 

 Unlike your poor little daughter, you fall asleep content.