#I’m not the only one writing weird shit on the internet

[neon-danger]

To be less rude about that anon, I have said quite a few times now that I will not be writing a milk fic

For one thing, it’s against my rules and I expect you as readers to respect that, but also the original creator of the milk fic is just all around Bad.

While I don’t think the actual contents of the milk fic are bad or problematic, I do not want my name associated with the milk fic, the writer, or their reputation.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying that sort of content, and I have absolutely no judgement in that regard, but it’s kinda not cool for people to continue asking after I’ve said no A Few Times Now

Consent is a big thing in a lot of my fics, and I expect you as readers to know that No Means No, not ask again later.

[area51-escapee]

I never like the take that if somebody doesn’t have a lot or any friends than it’s a red flag and it must clearly be something wrong with them but also if somebody’s post about complaining about having no friends is surrounded by the most mean spirited hateful bigoted posts imaginable and it’s like. Hm. Wonder why.

[httpsserene]

I’m begging you, please write something for us Lance girlies.

𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭-𝐜𝐮𝐭𝐞? 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐝! - 𝐥𝐬. 𝟏𝟖 | 𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 𝟒𝟎𝟒: 𝐏𝐍𝐅 |

𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 𝟒𝟎𝟒: 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 - 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞

summary: it’s the most wonderful time of the year! you swear there’s love in the air. however, your friends, family, and fans think you need intensive therapy. content warning: vacation romance. girls trip. love at first sight. fluff. profanity. mentions of reader’s previously failed relationships. reader has a mom and sister. sibling dynamics (bullying). friendship. delusion. reader has a puppy. all photos are from pinterest.  pairing: lance stroll x fem!black!reader

from serene: i wish peace, love, and happiness on everyone’s soul…and i hope my unexpected lance stroll smau series distracts you from the torment of the race weekend. LOL xxx < 3

⌕ join taglist | requests & feedback | table of contents | series toc | next ↻

twitter • ynplays • december 11th

imessage • yn and friends

instagram • ynplays • dec12th • winter wonderland ⚑

liked by kyedae, taytagames, yourmom, and 13,244 others

ynplays: brr 🥶 if only their was a 6-foot, brown-eyed, strong man to keep me warm 😏🥺

tagged yoursister, yourbestie, yourfriend1, yourfriend2

view comments

user1 so it starts 😣

➥ user2 please let this be a normal vacation!!!

➥ user3 with yn??? no way

yourmom i didn't raise you to act like this…

➥ yoursister mom idk where you went wrong with her

➥ ynplays she let me have unmonitored access to the internet

➥ user4 ah that makes sense 🙂‍↕️

➥ user5 that'll do it mhm

yourbestie please can we go inside the fucking resort my ass is freezing as im typing this

➥ yourfriend1 u just mad bc u slipped and busted your ass

➥ yourbestie would you be mad if i punched you so hard yo nose broke?

➥ user6 heyyYYY come getcho friends yn!!!

➥ user7 they about to crash out 😳😳😳

user8 lots of athletes like to go skiing and snowboarding during their winter breaks 👀

➥ yourfriend2 DO NOT give her any ideas, pls im begging you 🧎🏽‍♀️🧎🏽‍♀️🙏🏽🙏🏽

➥ user8 american football players, basketball players, racecar drivers, hockey players, tennis players...😏

➥ ynplays omg ao3 fic, meet-cute, 654k words, love at first sight, strangers to lovers, no angst, happy ending, hockey player x yourname romance irl???

➥ yourfriend2 i begged,,,

twitter • ynplays • december 12th

instagram • ynplays • dec13th • the slopes ⚑

liked by yoursister, qtcinderella, yourbestie, and 15,093 others

ynplays: sega’s first snow and my first day on the slopes 🥹🐶

tagged yoursister, yourbestie, yourfriend1, yourfriend2, segagenesisthedawg

view comments

user9 is your puppy named after the video game franchise, SEGA?

➥ ynplays yes! sega made mortal kombat which is my fav fighting game, so i named her after the company :)

➥ ynplays also, you can't forget about sonic and persona (super monkey ball too!!!)

➥ user10 me n the boys go crazy on super monkey ball

yourbestie pretty girl < 3

➥ yoursister if i was a man...mhm 😈

➥ yourfriend1 why do u always say some weird shit

➥ user11 turning your family tree into a circle energy

user12 are you just skiing or are you going to snowboard too??

➥ ynplays i want to do both! starting with skiing bc it's a "ski" resort ig? but i can't wait to try a board :)

➥user13 sounds like a fun! hope you have a nice vacay < 3333

user14 YNNNN ⚠️⚠️ you should get some of those plush turtles that you put on your butt so it doesn't hurt as much when you fall ⚠️⚠️

➥ user15 yes omg like this comment so she can see ittttt

➥ user16 those cushions literally saved my ass when i went boarding last year fr

➥ ynplays should i get one? do they sell them anywhere near the resorts?

➥ user16 yes, they should!

igstory • ynplays uploaded!

[caption; well,,,i think i need skiing lessons. hope the man i ran into has less snow down his shirt than i do.]

user17: eating shit is a staple of learning to ski

user18: the man 😀🫨 ynplays: i think it was the same dude who opened the door for me !!! user18: babe that's fate atp i don't make the rules

yourfriend2: i think you're about to have your meet-disaster. look up, he's skiing our way ynplays: oGM WH$T TH3!?!!

twitter • ynplays • december 13th

igstory • ynplays uploaded!

[caption1; he said i was a total loss at skiing and taught me how to snowboard instead ;p] [caption2; is it love if he buys you $25 ski resort hot cocoa?]

user19: oh no you're down BAD

yourfriend1: idk if it’s love but it's a stupid purchase 👏🏽 i can tell you that much

yoursister: no the fuck it's not love 🤬

user20: $25 HOT COCOA?!! outrageous user20: you better marry that man ynplays: you understand me on an subatomic level

instagram • yourbestie • dec13th • the shredder ⚑

liked by ynplays, yoursister, yourfriend2, and 8,764 others

yourbestie: we’re all way better at this snowboarding thing, even yn. thanks to her “brown eyed beau” 🤨 (her name not mine)

tagged yoursister, yourbestie, yourfriend1, yourfriend2, ynplays

view comments

user21: oh them drinks look thirst quenching 🤤🤤🤤

➥ user22: i wish free refills were implemented worldwide

user23: they would have to chain me up in my room if i were at this resort...i'd be foaming out the mouffff 😮‍💨🥴

➥ user24: bro what 🤣🤣🤣

➥ user25: think it's time you get castrated lil bro

➥ user26: watchlist type beat 🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽

yourfriend1: i thought this was supposed to be a girls trip :(

➥ yourfriend2: it never is with yn unfortunately

➥ yourbestie: FRFR this turned into the girls....and l****

➥ ynplays: don't be fucking rude 😒

➥ ynplays: he payed for our drinks and taught me how to shred ☹️

user27: "l****" ???? alright agents let's find out who this mfer is

➥ user28: *brushes off my criminal justice degree*

➥ user29: i've compiled a list of five letter boy names that start with L on a google doc and male celebs who have posted any ski resort pics or those who implied they were going

➥ user30: i have a google doc of all the male athletes who have posted any skiing/snowboading/resort pics AND athletes who implied they were going somewhere cold for holiday

➥ user29: ,,,i like your style. let's merge our docs 🤝

➥ user31: post the link on twitter and let's fucking get to it

© httpsserene 2024

[strnilolo2]

caught

summary: while filming a video with the boys, they question your ability to sleep anywhere, and in any position.

word count: 914

warnings: one or two curse words, lots of dialogue, lowercase intentional.

an; this is my first time publishing a piece of mine, please let me know if there’s anything i can do to better my writing :)

|| i think im going to continue writing even if this doesn’t get any attention, as i enjoy writing on here. ||

“top three sleeping positions?” nick laughs as he reads the question out loud.

“why don’t we let Y/N talk to us about that”, you roll your eyes as the attention is brought onto you.

“nick i don’t even sleep weird, what are you on about” “don’t put false accusations onto the internet like that” you laugh as you take a sip of your drink.

“oh no you definitely sleep in some insane positions” chris adds from the passenger seat.

“can we just talk about the amount of times i’ve seen y/n asleep, first of all?? i could leave the room for two seconds and come back to you like this” the car irrupts into laughter as matt mocks you with his hand spread across the car.

“i do not! how dare you say that!”

“i will pull out pictures right now.”

a few weeks earlier..

the group had just gotten home from filming a video, chris and nick automatically going to their respective rooms for the night. you plop down onto the L shaped sofa, and begin to watch tiktok with matt.

“are you sure you’re not going to fall asleep if I go get a blanket?” matt asks, only to earn a hum of a response.

“i’m going to rock your shit if you fall asleep” no response. matt leaves to retrieve a blanket from his bedroom, only to come back to the inevitable. your phone sits beside your head, the tiktok you were once watching replaying over and over. matt laughs at your sprawled out state, one leg rests on the top of the couch, the other almost completely bent beside you. quickly snapping a photo, matt places the blanket over you and turns off your phone so that he too, can finally rest.

present day

“oh.. my god. there’s actually no way you guys have been taking pictures of me asleep” you loudly question. “that’s some stalker type shit” you bend your legs beneath your body, sitting criss cross.

“I have some too” Chris replies before searching his phone to find it.

last week..

getting home late from a party, you and nick decide to watch a movie together in his room before going to sleep.

“should we tell matt and chris we’re home?” you question nick as he begins to search for the perfect movie to end the night.

“no, im sure they can see it on life360. plus, i don’t know about you, but im not getting up” nick grabs the blanket from the bottom of the bed and gets comfortable.

“im going to lay this way, i dont have my glasses and i can’t see the TV from there” you begin to move the pillows on ‘your’ side of the bed, to the bottom where you’ll be laying.

“don’t get your feet near my pillows, smelly” nick shoves your feet away from his pillows, to which you oblige.

moments later, chris, deciding to make sure the two of you didn’t die on your way home, enters the room, only to discover both of you asleep. laughing at the positions you both are in, he takes a picture with the flash, waking up nick in the process.

“what the hell are you doing??” nick whisper shouts, covering his eyes as chris loses it, almost falling on the floor laughing.

“why is she asleep like that, oh my god, her feet are almost in your face” chris, unable to contain his laughter, or volume, causes you to wake up.

“stop” you get up from your spot in nicks bed, and wrap the blanket around you to go sleep in matt’s room. “you guys are way too loud” you grumble, before opening matt’s door to finally, maybe, gain some peace.

chris and nick finally make eye contact after watching you slowly walk away, and instantly laugh out loud, disturbing the peace once again.

“woah this is NOT about me why am i in that picture” nick sticks his hands out, pushing chris and matt back as they fall to the side laughing in sync.

“HIS EYES ARE GLOWING” matt manages to get out between fits of laughter. you cover your face in embarrassment, being caught lacking in your blissful moments of sleep.

“you guys are terrible, why would you take such horrendous photos of me, i am INNOCENT” the boston accent coming to surface in your words.

“no babe, with the way you sleep, you would think you belong in an institution”

“nick, that was an insane statement. anyways my favorite sleeping position is on my stomach with one arm hugging a pillow next to me, and the other underneath my head, and then i also have one leg all the way across the bed, and the other bent up”

the group bursts into laughter again, mocking you.

“omg and flat on my back, but I have to have pillows on all sides and my legs have to be spread out” you join the boys in laughter, acting out the position.

“you’re crazy” matt pushes your shoulder back to keep you from hitting him in your fit of laughter.

“oh no don’t think you’re safe matt. I caught you last week with your face stuffed into the pillow, don’t go calling me crazy.”

the video ends, that question being the last. you and the boys drive home, only for you to be caught again, asleep in the backseat with your head against the window.

[cripple-punk-dad]

i hope you don’t mind this but like i’m 14 (not white, trans, gay, that stuff) and seeing a lot of people talk about how a lot of countries are going far right & extremism is coming back in full swing & no rainbow capitalism, etc is kind of scary. how do i like. not be so scared all the time? i just thought you’d know but if this is a weird ask i totally get it

It is scary. It's downright terrifying, looking out into the world and seeing the pattern of hatred, bigotry, and violence that is feels like its only growing more prevalent. Sometimes it feels like I'm on an island in a huge ocean of people who just want me to die, or change who I am, or both.

Not only that, but being 14 is fucking terrifying. You're not an adult yet, so you can't enact 'real change', you can't even drive (in the U.S) so your transportation is limited. You can't (legally) even get a job or anything. The world has done pretty much everything it can to keep you feeling scared. That's really hard to deal with!

This is usually where I'd say something dramatic, like "don't let them get away with that." But that's easier said than done. And that doesn't really answer your question, either. So instead I'll say this: It's hard to be scared when you 1) know your enemy, and 2) have other things to focus on. I don't mean that you should go debate every conservative you see, or even interact with them. But taking the time to understand the ideologies of fascism, alt-right conservatism, TERFS, white supremacists, etc. not only helps you to see how wrong they are, but also how they always fail and will continue to fail. This is also a good time to research and reinforce your own ideologies and beliefs. No one is immune to propaganda, but it's a lot easier to recognize it if you know what you're looking for.

But don't let that consume you. Remember, these people want you to be scared and isolated. If you spend all your time obsessing over everything wrong with the world (which is very easy with social media and the internet) then the people who want you gone will only grow stronger. So it really is a good idea to fight against that by building up a community of friends, and by building yourself up too. What I mean is this: Go outside, look at the ground, find a weird bug you don't know anything about. Read the obituaries in a newspaper. Go dumpster diving. Learn about something that interests you. Write a letter to somebody and never send it (or do). Pick up a weird hobby. You can just start gluing shit together, no one is gonna stop you, there are a lot less rules than you think.

But above all, remember that while history is full of empires collapsing, and wars, and horrors beyond imagination. The fall of Rome didn't happen overnight, it happened over centuries. But even in the midst of all that, people still made art, and had families, and not only survived, but lived fulfilling lives. I promise that you can and will be able to do that too. The sun will continue to shine, the grass will continue to grow, and the Earth will keep on spinning.

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Maybe I’m Not Scared of What You’re Thinking Of - Simon Lynch/Reader

Prompt: Don't you know what you mean to me?

Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, no use of Y/N, friends to lovers, slow burn, growing friendship, angst, hurt/comfort, brief canon-related mention of violence, kissing, fully clothed grinding, kindness and praise makes Simon cry ;w;

Wordcount: 14270

Summary: It's a complete coincidence that you meet him, and even though he's a little weird and there's an anger in him fueled by pain, you know that you might be all he needs to be defused.

Notes: It's Simon's turn! I have a lot of feelings about Simon!! As soon as I saw his episode my heart went out to him a lot, he's so me-coded (aside from y'know the homicide lmao) and he really only needed someone to believe in him, so here's a whole ton of words about you doing just that QwQ I've also decided that this will be his own continued world like I did with Joshua, so any future stuff will take place during or after this~

You really regret accepting this blind date after the 30th straight minute comes and goes, your date still talking about himself on his side of the table.

He came highly recommended from your mother, the son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker, and it’s clear she did no actual research on him since you have nothing in common. You just keep smiling and sipping at your drink of choice, his words falling on deathly bored ears as he keeps trying to pitch his business to you, something about a private server for paying customers to get his advice or some dumb shit you haven’t seen a million times before. Sometimes you wished you’d been born in the past when things were simpler, because any idiot with a podcast and access to the internet always came to the same conclusion that they could be the Next Great Thing, and this guy definitely does not have what it takes.

He’s about to write down his contact info so you can check out his server right now, right in the middle of your date, his food cold in front of him as he just keeps choosing to talk instead of eat, and you just stare at him tearing off the paper to hand to you as you pray your souring expression isn’t giving you away too much. ‘Uh, sorry, I don’t have Facsimile,’ you lie as he holds it out to you, but it doesn’t dissuade him as he then says it’s super easy to sign up, he’ll help you. ‘No, I mean I’m not one for all these chatting apps, I prefer some good, old fashioned talking,’ you continue, another lie although not quite as much, for while you do prefer talking face to face, hence the date, you had so many chat apps on your phone to keep in contact with everyone that they had their own page on your home screen.

‘It’ll be worth it, trust me, I already have a bunch of guys giving their own presentations on my server, I’ll even give you a free week’s trial to check everything out, whattaya say?’ he asks, clearly more interested in expanding his brand than making any sort of actual connection with you, and this time you let your face scrunch up in pained awkwardness.

‘Yeah, it’s gunna have to be a no, sorry,’ you cringe, and his smile slowly falls as he crumples up the paper and stuffs it inside his expensive name brand jacket, obviously bought to show off to everyone how ‘successful’ he was.

‘Fine, no it’s fine, I just thought you were smarter than that,’ he grumbles just on the border of passive aggressively, your eyebrows rising as your opinion of him somehow manages to drop even lower. ‘You figure you give someone a chance to get in on the ground floor of something because you think you’re vibing, but I guess it was just me.’

‘Uh…’

‘How is everything?’ The small voice draws your attention from him as you look up to your savior, your eyes just going higher as the person towers over you, even when he’s hunched over a bit to take up as little space as possible as his co-workers pass by him to get to the other tables. Your mouth falls open a little bit as your eyes meet, long bangs just barely swept to the side to reveal dark brown irises that almost appear black focusing only on you as he ignores your date, and you forget to answer as the man across from you answers for you.

‘We’re doing great, just fantastic, thanks buddy,’ he growls, now eating his food as quickly as he can so he can get away from you. ‘If you could hurry up and grab the checks though that would be even better.’

‘Is there anything else you’d like? More water, or a refill?’ He completely ignores the other man as he focuses on you, which pisses him off even more, and you join in on that as you smile politely up at him.

‘Everything’s perfect, although I could go for a refill, thank you,’ you tell him, and he gives you a nod without once acknowledging your date, who’s already gotten out his wallet and is looking up the prices of the bar on his phone; he pulls out enough to cover the meal but passes over his beer and the tax, because that’s too much work to calculate it even with his phone in hand, and he gets up and sarcastically wishes you a nice life as he bails, the silence a nice change as you continue eating alone. Your server returns a short while later with a new glass and the checks, and when he sees the money left behind he puts two and two together.

‘I take it I’m not getting a tip from him,’ he figures, and you laugh into your glass, almost spilling the liquid all over the table as you try not to choke.

‘I doubt you would’ve anyway, he was a prick,’ you admit, which makes him smile, and you decide his smile is actually quite nice as he starts clearing the other half of the table. ‘Hey, uh, would you wanna sit with me? Just for a little, it’s kinda embarrassing to eat alone after that disaster.’

He glances at the freshly vacant seat before looking around, and he leans over to lower his voice, his eyes on the table as he speaks. ‘I should really get back to work,’ he whispers, but you gesture in front of you in a welcoming manner, and he follows your hands before sitting and hiding his apron behind his arms, the nametag of Simon just barely peeking out before it’s covered up.

You flash him another smile before getting back to your lunch, it’s amazing how listening to someone that incredibly annoying can really kill the appetite in the moment, and he tries not to watch you as he makes sure he’s not about to get in trouble. You finish off your first glass and start on the second since you did ask him for it, even if it was an excuse to ignore your date initially, and you catch the way his eyes watch your exposed throat as you tilt your head back; unlike the other person sitting there previously you don’t feel objectified, or like you were a piece of meat to devour after the sell was over. It’s refreshing, and you offer him your plate in case he might want something to eat before his break, but he refuses, of course he would.

He keeps his eye on his watch but never gets up, and as you pop a fry into your mouth you can’t help but want to talk to him as he meets your eye and looks away immediately after for the third time in a row. ‘You work here long?’ you ask to start, and it’s a lame start, but just the fact that you wanna hear about him has him leaning forward in his seat before he controls himself, sits back again.

‘Just a few years, this is actually my second job, I mainly work with Data Waste,’ he tells you, his voice getting away from him for a moment before he lowers it again; it’s obvious that no one asks about him often, just this small amount of attention enough to make his face light up in a way you don't see often anymore, at least not when you talk about work related things.

‘So, you waste all the data?’ you joke, and he leans in again, the plate pushed aside as he fights to keep his voice under control.

‘No, it’s really interesting actually, I get access to all the trashed data in the city, sift through it to find anything incriminating or important, things that were lost or gotten rid of, delete anything useless; my co-workers think it’s pretty boring, but you can’t imagine the things I’ve seen on some people.’ He stops, realizing he’s about to violate his NDA, and you chuckle as he looks around again like he expects his boss from his other job to suddenly appear and fire him.

‘Sounds exciting, you ever see anything on me?’ you can’t help but ask as you lean in as well, and there’s a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks as he sits back again.

‘I dunno, I’d need to look up your name,’ he answers honestly, and you smirk at his reply.

‘Pretty smooth way to ask for it,’ you tell him, and when he stutters out that he wasn’t you just laugh and grab the check so you can see your total. You pull out your card so you can pay, and you’re in the middle of reaching for your ex-date’s check as well so you can cover the rest when he stops you.

‘I’ve got it, you don’t have to deal with trash like him, that’s my job,’ he jokes back, and when he hands you his card reader you make sure to leave a large tip from the both of you. You hand it back and his eyes go wide, he can’t accept this, but you just flash him your most charming smile and hand him one of your business cards from your wallet, something you printed up years ago but rarely got to hand out since most people used electronic cards nowadays.

‘It’s for making me laugh, today would’ve been pretty shitty otherwise,’ you admit as you stand, and when he stands with you you can see that he really is tall. 

‘Okay, well… if I find anything I’ll give you a call, then? Just so you know what people are deleting about you on the internet,’ he offers, and you hold out your hand to shake his as your expressions softens.

‘I’d like that.’

It’s been a week and a half since your lunch date gone wrong but also surprisingly gone right again, and you’re at home working on a project when an unknown number lights up your phone. You frown at it before clicking into the chat and seeing a bunch of strange messages before the stranger clears things up.

ur sqky clean no trash on u sry it took so long was busy this is simon sry from the bar from last week sry

You smile fondly as you type in a quick reply, your phone lighting up again as he answers fast, he must’ve been waiting with baited breath on the other side. You add his number to your phone and answer back, another quick reply getting you to decide to take a snack break as you bring your phone to the kitchen. The more you chat the more he sees that he doesn’t have to use shorthand, his words lengthening and becoming more proper until you’re wondering if maybe he’s trying to find the perfect mix that won’t annoy you. Eventually he settles on a mix like you do, and you get comfy on the couch with your snack as you turn on the TV and find something to watch.

It’s hard to find things sometimes, you’ve had this older model for years and it isn’t compatible with every streaming platform’s updates anymore, which you think is dumb, but the thing works and you don’t wanna shell out money just to be able to watch whatever new reality show everyone’s talking about as it airs. You stick to your playlist of favourite movies and shows again, settling on one you’ve already seen a million times so you can chat without needing to pay attention.

After a half hour you add each other to Facsimile so you can chat more openly without wasting data, his username of 4LM0ST-HUM4N making you snicker as you check out his profile, but it’s bare apart from his age, which is around yours, and his full name, his last name being Lynch. You can’t help but look him up since you already knew he’d done the same to you, and all you can find is a dating profile on a site you’d heard about but never used.

‘“Shy and looking,”’ you say out loud to yourself as you read his info, and you sink a little further into the cushions as his unfortunately off-putting but also undeniable cute profile picture stares you directly in the eye; you can tell he took it alone, he’s all washed out in the glow of his computer instead of from the room’s overhead or any natural light, and you almost want to call him out on it and help him try again, maybe he might get some matches that way.

You don’t mention the profile as you keep chatting, and before you know it the next movie is autoplaying, your battery low with how long you’ve been on your phone. You figure it’s about time you get back to work as you tell him about the situation, and he agrees, he’s also been putting off work, and you wish him a good night, adding in, ‘That data’s not gunna waste itself.’ He sends you a bunch of laughing emojis before changing his mind and editing the message so there’s only one, to which you give him one back, and he starts typing something else but stops. You wait but he never starts up again so you leave it be, your phone charging out of reach as you get back to work.

Now that you’ve been reminded that he exists and you find his company quite pleasant, you take a ride to the bar on your lunch break the next day, keeping your eye out as casually as you can until you see him clearing a table nearby. You wait until he’s done before waving at him to get his attention, and his smile is so big that it makes him self-conscious as a group of people pass him by, it faltering as he gets out of their way. He takes his dishes to the kitchen and quickly returns to take your order, and even though you’re sitting at a table and a menu is in your hands, you surprise him when you ask him when his break is instead of telling him what you want to eat.

‘My break?’ he repeats back to you, like he doesn’t understand the question.

‘I just figured you might want to eat somewhere you don’t work,’ you simply say, and he glances at his watch to check the time.

‘I get off in 15, but we can eat here, I don’t wanna take up your break by traveling,’ he offers, but you just shake your head and set the menu down.

‘I work from home, I can take as long as I want,’ you tell him, and it’s not exactly a lie since you do have some things to for sure finish today, but losing an extra hour to hang out with your new friend seems like a pretty good tradeoff honestly. He accepts your answer and goes back to work with a shy grin, and you patiently wait at your table until he returns, a brown hoodie slung over his arm and his apron left behind. 

You get up and follow him out to the street where he gets ready to hail a cab, and thanks to your convo from last night you already knew he didn’t drive, but you don’t want him to waste any money when your car was in the parking lot. You direct him to it, and in your head you can hear your mother warning you about letting strangers into your vehicle, but apart from being a little weird he has yet to give you any red flags or warning signs, so you unlock the door and hop in.

‘There’s this place downtown that’s pretty good,’ he says as soon as he sits down, and you try not to giggle when you see how his long legs don’t really fit in the space as he tries to find the seat adjust nonchalantly. ‘They mostly do burgers, but their menu is loaded with stuff, you just need to know what to ask for.’

‘I take it you know?’

He glances at you, his hand stilling momentarily as it's wedged between the door and his seat, and when he does find the button he lets out a noise of surprise as his chair suddenly shifts backwards. ‘Yeah, yeah I go there a bunch, I think I’ve tried almost everything so far.’

‘Why not get a job there instead of here if you like it so much?’ you ask as you start the engine, and he looks down at his lap in response.

‘Cause I- I actually didn’t apply to be a waiter,’ he mumbles, your head turning towards him as you pull out onto the road.

‘Did you wanna work in the kitchen or something?’

‘I wanted to be a bartender, actually, but they needed a server, so that’s what I landed on,’ he explains, and when you go to ask for the name of the place he just directs you down the street, ignoring the GPS entirely. ‘It’s actually been a little dream of mine to open my own place, but starting a business is expensive, and saving up is a little hard even with two jobs, city living isn’t cheap.’

‘You could try for a loan?’ you suggest, but he just shakes his head.

‘I dunno… going that far would make it real, y’know? I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.’ He points to the left as he speaks so you hit your blinker and turn, this is a part of town you’ve never been to before.

‘You could always try, and if it doesn’t work out then I’ll keep cheering you on until it does.’ He’s looking at you like your words are about to make him cry, and he’s so preoccupied with you that he nearly misses the restaurant, your brakes screeching down the thankfully empty road as you back up and turn into the parking lot. You’ve never even heard of this place but the lot is almost full, and you manage to find a spot before he’s getting out and waiting for you, the chill of the fresh, spring air making you both shiver and hurry inside.

The place is warm and cozy, the smell of food instantly making you hungry even though you were feeling pretty okay just moments ago, and he smiles at you before you seat yourself and wait to be served. A large menu is placed in front of you and he was right, it is mostly burgers first and foremost, but as you turn the pages and see everything else available you feel your mouth water. You look up to ask what he recommends just in time to see his eyes disappear over the top of his own menu, and you grin and decide you can’t beat the house special, which is a double bacon burger with everything on it. He orders the same as soon as you tell the waitress, a big plate of loaded fries to split as well as onion rings added as well, and when you’re left alone again you rest your elbows on the table and get his attention.

‘How long have you been coming here? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about it before,’ you admit, and again his eyes shine when you ask about him.

‘Most of my life, I used to live around here when I was younger so this was our go-to place when we wanted to eat out,’ he explains lively, and he looks around and gestures towards the decor. ‘It was different back then, they did a rebranding back in the early 2030s, changed the name and everything, but I still call it by its old name whenever I recommend it.’

‘What was the old name?’

‘The Hotel.’

You laugh, your hand covering your mouth as you try to keep it down. ‘I bet that might’ve caused some confusion,’ you chuckle, and he nods.

‘Oh yeah, I always have to correct myself,’ he agrees with his own laugh, the two of you still going even as your drinks are dropped off. You sip at yours, taking in everything and wondering what the place looked like back then when he stretches out and accidentally bumps your knee with his own; he quickly says sorry as he tries to retreat back to his side of the table, but you tell him it’s okay, and your reassurance makes him balk, like he’s been told off too many times for similar occurrences.

‘So, tell me, why do you wanna open your own bar?’ you quickly ask before he can shut himself off from you, his shyness returning and looking more like anxiety as he clearly gets in his own head about something so small.

‘Well, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to do, like I love the atmosphere, everyone coming together for a little while to share the space and a few drinks, it’s a good place to forget about your troubles for a bit.’ His eyes are on the table as he fiddles with the brown paper covering, your glasses creating dark rings where they’re set down on it.

‘You can say that about a lot of places,’ you add, and he agrees, but his eyes meet yours as he tries to get you to understand.

‘I know but there’s just something special about it, if your customers come there enough it can become familial, you can make bonds with people, offer them an ear when they’re sad, share in their laughter when they’re happy… I guess I’ve just always wanted to be a part of something like that.’ He looks back down again, the paper tearing and making him stop, now picking at his nails instead.

‘It sounds like you wanna connect with people, you don’t need a bar to do that,’ you say softly, carefully in case he might take offense to it, but he doesn’t, just shrugs.

‘I know, but… I still think it would be fun.’ His eyes meet yours again, and there’s something behind them as you look between them, something lonely that you haven’t seen in them before. You wonder then how long it’s been since he’s been here with someone, if his family still met up with him here, but based on his eyes you think you know the answer.

‘Well, if you do ever open that bar, then I expect free drinks for life as your first customer,’ you tease as you hold up your glass for a promising toast, and your faith in him makes his eyes look a little less lonely as he raises his own and taps the rims together. You drink as your waitress comes back with your food then, and it looks even better than the picture as you grab on tight and take a big bite. It’s the biggest burger you’ve ever eaten but it might also be the tastiest, the toppings sliding against your palms as you try to hold it all together, and you can see him having just as much trouble with his own. You laugh again and take another bite, your conversation moving onto more cheerful things as you eat, from family stories to complaints about work, bad dates to how your week was going, your overbearing but well-meaning mother to his absent father, but he isn’t as upset about it as he used to be as you sit with him and listen, he confesses. 

You douse your half of the fries in ketchup as he dips his own in ranch, and he has more onion rings than you do before you realize it, and when your plates are empty and your glasses hold nothing but melting ice you finally look at your phone and realize you’ve been there for over an hour. ‘Shit, I need to get back,’ he panics as he stands, and you wave over your waitress as you both get out your wallets.

‘Hey, I got you covered, can you go start my car?’ you tell him as he searches for the card he wants to use, but he can’t accept that, even more so than the tip from last week. ‘I insist, this was a much better date than my last one,’ you say with a wink, and he fumbles his next words as you toss him your keys. He rushes out with flushed cheeks, and you instantly let your emotions show on your face as you mentally ask yourself why the hell you actually said that as you pay.

You run out as soon as you’re done and speed off back to the bar, the car quiet until you say your goodbyes, and you watch him go until he disappears through the double doors with a small wave.

It becomes a bit of a thing for you two as you meet up for lunch every Friday after that, with you trying something new at his recommendation each time, and after around 7 weeks of this he flashes you the biggest smile as you sit down at your usual table, Simon already seated and waiting. ‘What?’ you ask, his smile spreading to you, and he holds out his phone to show that he had an appointment with the bank on Monday. ‘Oh my god, are you-?’

‘I’m doing it.’ He’s practically bouncing in his seat, only stopping when he bangs his knee off the metal support and makes the table shake, his excitement so strong that you could probably start bouncing as well if you were to be completely honest with yourself.

‘That’s amazing! Do you need a ride? We can go together, it’s after your shift is done, right? Or should I pick you up at your place?’

‘I-’ His smile falters a bit but he pushes it aside, and it feels a little forced as it returns. ‘I’ve got a ride covered, but thank you. Maybe we can meet up at the bank when it’s over? I can text you, if you’d like.’

‘I’d love that, I’ll be sure to work extra hard so we can celebrate the night away.’

Everything goes quiet as you realize what you’ve said, since while you have been texting almost daily you still have yet to hang out outside of your lunch dates; you’re not even really sure if they could even be called that seeing as, apart from you calling the first time that as a joke, neither of you actually confirmed there was anything more than friendship going on between you. Still, you both take it seriously as your usual waitress approaches to take your orders, and neither of you bring it back up again after she leaves.

‘I’m really proud of you, Simon, this is a big step you’re taking,’ you do say to break the silence, and when he looks at you you can swear he’s about to cry again; it actually hurts in a physical way whenever you see that, and you curse whoever beat him down enough to have this be his default reaction whenever you give him any kind of compliment or praise.

‘I don’t think I could’ve done it if you hadn’t cheered me on, might’ve found more excuses to put it off.’ He looks so vulnerable in this moment, his hands clasped on the table in front of him, and you glance down at them and nearly reach out to grab one when he continues. ‘Actually, because of you, I kinda started paying attention to my old LoveMatch account, turns out I got some messages when I was offline.’

Your smile freezes on your face as you unexpectedly go cold, your reaction to his words catching you off guard as talking becomes hard. ‘That’s… that’s wonderful news, anyone catch your eye?’ you finally ask, and he goes pink as he shakes his head.

‘Not yet, I didn’t get many but I still wanna check them all out, see if maybe my soulmate is one of them. Wait, that’s kinda desperate, isn’t it? I don’t actually think my soulmate is on some random dating site but… it’s nice to imagine, right? It’s like you said, I- I just wanna connect with someone.’ He’s looking only at his phone as he talks, scrolling through the unopened messages still waiting for him, and it feels like you’re watching the conversation from afar as your ears start ringing, your hands shaking as you try to figure out why you’re feeling this way.

He’s cute, you can’t deny that, and you enjoy his company a lot, but you haven’t thought about an actual relationship with him until this moment, when it was made apparent to you that that wasn’t what he wanted. And now that he was considering someone else, picturing a life with someone else, you know that you wanted to be with him, not in a casual, Friday lunch date and daily chats kind of way, but in the way where you’d visit him on his off hours or you’d bring him to your place, where you could have a nice dinner, watch movies together, no more table between you as you curl up against him or have him lean against you. You could hold his hand, and he could tell you about how his day at the bar, his bar, went and about all the new people he met, and when he was done you could cup that enticingly strong jaw of his and angle his face up to yours.

‘Are you okay?’

You blink and your vision blurs, and you quickly sniff and search your pockets for your travel-sized bottle of emergency ibuprofen. ‘Yeah, yeah I’m good, allergies are just acting up again, gunna go blow my nose and take my meds real quick before this gets gross,’ you lie with a fake smile, making sure he can’t see the label before you run off, and he buys it completely before going back to his messages. You don’t let your facade crack until you’re safe in the bathroom, the weight of how much you had fallen for him without realizing making your knees buckle, and you lock yourself in one of the stalls as you desperately try to push down the fact that he would never feel the same.

You’d managed to keep it together as you finished your lunch get together - not date, never date - but you spend the rest of the weekend moping around your apartment after that, your eyes on your phone as you lay on the couch and watch some old favourites to cheer yourself up, but each time he leaves you a message you feel your heart ache and it always takes a while before you can answer back. You give him the excuse of being a bit behind on work so you can’t chat much, and he was fine with that because he was gathering up the courage to message a couple people back, see if there were any sparks, and you have to ignore your phone entirely as you bury your head in the couch pillow and yell.

Before you know it you’re waking up where you’d fallen asleep, the TV going through the night and the sunlight streaming through the wall of windows to the right of your couch, the brightness rousing you from your restless dreams. You reach limply for your phone but the battery died during the night, and you groan and stumble over to your desk so you can charge it. As soon as it comes back to life you see that it’s much later than you thought thanks to your alarm never going off, and you find a bunch of messages waiting for you.

‘Shit! Shitshitshit!’ you swear when you see that Simon had asked you to wish him luck before his meeting, and you’re already a half hour late to reply but you do anyway as you fully push aside all your feelings to wish him all the luck you possibly can. He doesn’t answer back, because he’s obviously in the meeting, and you end up too nervous about it to eat as you let your phone charge. Instead you skip straight to getting ready for the day, having a quick but much needed shower after your weekend-long mope session. As you dry your hair you then find something nice to wear that you secretly hope he might like, some part of you overcoming the misery to hope that if he’s ready enough for a relationship to use LoveMatch again then maybe you could have a chance, and that hope fuels you as you race back to your phone to see if he’s done yet.

you dont need to pick me up taking a cab home see you friday

Your hand reaches up to cover your mouth as dread fills you then, and you quickly call him, unplugging your phone so you can sit down. ‘Simon, where are you?’ you ask the moment he picks up, and all you hear is the sound of traffic before a small sniff is picked up by his phone’s mic.

‘Don’t come, I just wanna get home right now,’ he tries to tell you, but your body is moving when you hear his small voice, how broken he sounds, your keys in your hand and a pair of flipflops that definitely aren’t weather appropriate yet on your feet so you can be out the door faster.

‘Are you still at the bank? Which one is it, I’m heading out right now.’

‘Please…’

‘I’m already in my car, where am I going?’

The resulting silence to your insistence stretches on for so long that you’re about to just try every bank in town until you find him when he gives you the address, and you know the one exactly as you speed off towards it. You arrive about ten minutes later, and you’re scanning the area when you see him huddling from the wind in the alley, his hood up and people giving him cautious glances as they pass. You roll down your window and call out to him, and when he finds you through the gap you can’t help but let out a noise of pain when you see his face; he’s been crying, you hadn’t been able to see because of his hood, but now you can see that his cheeks are damp and his eyes are red, and you hurriedly unlock the passenger door and motion for him to come over.

He hesitates a moment before wiping his cheeks and jogging over, people bumping into him with how busy the street is, but he doesn’t do or say anything even as he gets a couple insults along the way. He opens the door, sits down, and as soon as you ask where he wants to go he hides his face in his hand and starts crying again. You reach out to touch his shoulder but he pulls away, he needs space, and you don’t try again as you drive back to your place.

‘I don’t know why I thought I could do this…’ he mutters to himself as you drive, and the lump in your own throat is so thick that it hurts as you try to swallow it down. You pull back into your parking lot and he finally notices that he doesn’t know this place, and you don’t shut off the engine as you turn back towards him.

‘You don’t have to tell me about it, but I’d like it if you came up with me, please,’ is all you say, and another tear rolls down his cheek before he’s nodding, following you to the front doors. Your place is pretty high up but the elevator ride isn’t awkward as he stuffs himself into the corner opposite of you, where you can’t see him as easily. You reach your floor before you know it so you lead the way to your apartment, and when the door opens and you set your keys back down on the small shelf nearby he takes everything in with an even sadder expression, which isn’t the way you were hoping it would go at all.

‘You- you have a nice home,’ he just says, and before you can thank him he’s already turning back for the door. ‘I shouldn’t have come up, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t talk to me anymore, I’ll leave you alone now-’

‘Whoa, wait, where did this come from?’ you need to know as you stand in front of the door, and he goes to move you aside before pulling back, he doesn’t even want to touch you. ‘Simon, I know I said you didn’t have to talk about it but- what happened in there? Why can’t I talk to you anymore?’

‘Because I’m-’ He flinches away from you as his voice rises, frustration apparent among the sadness, and he leans against the wall with a dull thud. ‘I was accepted into the police academy a few years back, before I got my job at the bar; I was training to be on the bomb squad, I thought my knack for technology could help save lives, and I practiced really hard, learned to disarm nonlethal devices I built myself to show them I could do it, that I could be useful to them.

‘But when they learned I’d been building things they thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons even though there was no danger to them, like I was going to learn how to build actual bombs next using the training I received; I was just learning how to cut the power without setting anything off, I was using fucking coloured lights to do it, there were no explosives on my devices at all! But it was enough to make them think I was a danger to everyone, and they forced me to take a psych exam which I then failed by their standards. I was kicked out of the academy, lost my job when the psych eval was sent to them the following week, even lost my apartment when my landlord got word of everything, this one mistake got me evicted in the middle of winter-!

‘And the guy I talked to today heard about it too, read about all of it when they researched me to see if I was deserving of it, do you know what I heard him say to his supervisor when he thought I was out of earshot? He- he called me “unstable,” and fucking “unqualified” when I told him how much I make a year, like he didn’t trust me to pay it back, like I was a failure before the bar even opened, and maybe he’s right, maybe I am a failure, I shouldn’t have tried, I shouldn’t have fucking tried-!’

He spins and punches the wall he was just leaning against and you tense up, your eyes shutting on instinct at the crash of his knuckles through the drywall; it’s the first time you’ve seen him angry like this and it scares you, but as he pulls his hand back and looks at his bloodied knuckles you feel no fear, just sadness.

‘I’m sorry, shit, I’m so sorry,’ he apologizes under his breath, hissing as he flexes his fingers, his hand shaking from the pain, and it would be so easy to end it all right there, kick him out too and never see him again after what he’s just told you, just done, but you can’t as you take him gently by the arm and lead him to your couch. You sit him down and go off to find your first aid kit, some big and overly full thing your mother made you buy when you first moved to the city, and you’re thankful for it now as you pull out the unsealed bottle of healing spray and spritz it against his torn skin a couple times.

For once you love the future as he heals, and while he’s fine now you can’t help but take out the gauze and wrap the area next just to make sure, your fingers resting over the fabric and the back of his hand as you hold him in place. ‘You’re not a failure,’ you murmur, and he tries to pull away again but you don’t let him. ‘What happened to you… it really, really fucking sucks, and none of it was fair, but… it doesn’t make you a failure, we can just try again until we find someone who can help you get that loan.’

‘I don’t even want it, not after today.’ There’s not a single trace of a lie in his words, he’s giving up, and you want so badly to hold him but you can’t. ‘It’ll just happen again, this black mark on my life will just keep following me, why even try?’

‘Because it’s your dream, remember? You told me you wanted to connect with people, no one should be able to take that from you.’ You’re moving closer to him, slotting yourself between his legs as your knees hit the bottom of the couch, he can’t run from you like this, but it’s like you’re invisible to him in his misery.

‘But they already did.’

You let go of his hand and get up, throwing your arms around his neck in a tight hug, and he lets out a sound somewhere between surprise and relief as he’s pressed into the couch; you’re practically in his lap like this, and you try to shift until you’re beside him instead, but your arms never leave him as you back up, your frown so deep it’s starting to make your head hurt. ‘They only will when you stop fighting for it, you haven’t lost it yet,’ you tell him in a hushed whisper, and something in him breaks as he crumbles into your hug, his head on your shoulder as he grips the back of your shirt as hard as he can, like he’s drowning at sea and you’re the only thing keeping him afloat.

You pet his hair comfortingly as he keeps talking into your shoulder about how it went, how he felt so worthless when he was rejected, how he tried to explain himself but it was all shut down, the man hadn’t even wanted to hear it because he’d heard enough, how he was so upset and hurt and angry that he was afraid of himself and what he’d do, and you just comfort him as he lets it all out. It takes a while but you never rush him, or interrupt him as he vents, you just keep holding him until he’s ready to let you go. You separate, and his eyes are so red as they avoid looking at you, but you just brush his bangs to the side before getting up and grabbing the tissues.

You hand him the box, and the smile he gives you isn’t as sad as he grabs a few, the lump in your throat easing up a bit at the sight. ‘I know you probably aren’t in the mood to celebrate, but if you just wanna grab some food and watch a movie anyway I could order something, or make something here? I think the Hotel might deliver this far, lemme see if it’s on Dumbwaiter.’ You’re already on your phone to check but he’s standing, his used tissues bunched in his hand as he looks for your garbage bin, his eyes on the ground again.

‘I’m not very hungry, thank you but I think I just wanna head home,’ he says after throwing them away, and your hand lowers as you take a step towards him, standing between him and the door again.

‘Please.’ You don’t mean for it to come out but it does, this is about him, not you, you have no right to ask him to stay when he needs space, but you can’t leave him like this, not now. Finally he meets your eye, and you can see that he wants to stay as badly as you want him to, and he opens his mouth to say something before he closes the gap, stands next to you and looks down at your phone. He taps your screen back to life and scrolls before he finds the Hotel’s real name in the list of places on Dumbwaiter’s delivery partnership, and he gives the name another tap before giving you the smallest smile, and it’s genuine and even less sad as his shoulder presses into yours.

‘Order the pasta today, all of their sauces are rich and they always serve too much, and get us the goat cheese spinach dip, it’s to die for,’ he says, his voice still wavering a bit after all his crying, and you just nod before adding it all to your cart, Simon taking off his shoes so he can get comfy on your couch properly this time. You pay for the meal and join him, offering him the remote but he has nothing he wants to watch, so you go to your favourites and pick the stupidest, funniest comedy you can find, needing something silly to lift the mood, and as the food is delivered and you both laugh with full mouths that almost get you to choke you end up wishing you could have this forever, that you could move to his side and hold him again.

You don’t, your phones on the coffee table along with your plates, the space between you feeling so much wider than it actually was as he stays with you until the sun sets.

Now that he’s been to your place your friendship only grows, your meetups changing from Friday lunches to properly hanging out, and it isn’t often he gets free time between his two jobs, but most nights of his are free and you’re always ready to drop whatever you can to see him when he asks. Because of your eagerness you’re slowly becoming a pro at keeping up with your own work, the need to procrastinate fading away like never before since being caught up meant you could go to him wherever he waited. You met him at both jobs, at the Hotel - which he got you to start saying as well since he never called it by its real name - and at the park, sometimes at the mall if there was something he needed to get and he wanted some company, but you’ve still never seen his place, and you’re starting to wonder where he lived.

You know it’s in town, since he got to and from work via Brougham and being outside of town would be hell on his paychecks, but you have no idea which part other than the fact that he used to live near the Hotel when he was a kid. You’ve tried asking before, but each time you do he just brushes it off, makes some excuse to why you couldn’t pick him up or drop him off there, and you’re starting to get a bit suspicious if you were entirely honest. You know he’s not homeless, he’s told you before how it took him a bit but he did manage to find someplace permanent and all his after his eviction, but this is getting ridiculous you think when he comes up with yet another excuse as to why you can drop him off on this random street you’re driving down, he lives nearby, he can walk the rest of the way.

‘Simon, you’ve got six bags of groceries in the back seat, it is literally impossible for you to walk home with them all,’ you say firmly as he just keeps looking out the window, and his lips purse as he tries something else.

‘It isn’t far and they’re not that heavy, I can do three per hand,’ he insists, and you step on the brakes in the middle of the road, no one coming or going as he jerks forwards in his seat at the inertia.

‘Why don’t you want me to see your place?’ you ask bluntly, no longer holding back, and he gets defensive, he’s more open with his anger around you now, but he hasn’t gotten as upset since that day, and you know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose control again, doesn’t want to scare you or himself like that again.

‘I never said I didn’t.’

‘You don’t need to; is it bad neighbours, or a bad neighbourhood? I don’t care where you live, or what your place looks like, I swear I don’t, so you don’t have to keep me away,’ you tell him honestly, and for a moment you think he might tell you when he unlocks his door and heads to the back. You just sigh as he gathers everything up in both hands and thanks you for the ride, but it really is close, you don’t have to waste gas going the rest of the day, he’ll see you Friday.

‘And… you don’t wanna know where I live,’ he mutters mostly to himself before the door closes, and he’s clearly weighed down by everything but he sticks with it, and you watch him just keep going further and further down the street until you have no choice but to take a U-turn and head home, and he’s still in your rearview as you hit a right and he’s forced to disappear around the corner behind you.

It’s a little awkward for you both after that, so you don’t bring it up again to make sure things even out, and it seems to help as you keep meeting up everywhere but his place, wherever the hell it is. He’s been to yours enough times now that you almost consider giving him a spare key so he can invite himself over, but it feels too personal for friends, and when you joke about it to test the waters he nearly spits out his drink in surprise. You clarify that it’s a joke as he sputters out that he’s never had someone’s spare key before, he’s never known anyone long enough for that.

‘You’ve known me for quite a few months now, maybe it might come in handle to have a spare out there in case of emergencies,’ you say next, instantly backtracking on the joke aspect of it with a little hope, and despite you initially calling it so he also looks a little hopeful at the possibility before his phone pings loudly. The moment is ruined as he stops your post-lunch walk through the park to see who’s messaging him, and his eyes widen as his smile grows and his face flushes. ‘LoveMatch, I assume?’ you ask, your teeth clenching in jealousy behind your smile.

‘Yeah, I’ve been messaging this one girl, Jeannie, a few days now,’ he tells you as he clicks in to see what she said, and his smile is so bright at her reply that you feel your stomach drop, your jealousy transforming into something that feels so much worse. ‘I think I’m gunna ask her on a date soon, when I can get an afternoon off so we don’t meet up too late, what do you think? Or should we talk a bit more first?’

The urge to tell him he should definitely talk more first arises because it’s true, you know what meeting too soon can do to a relationship before you can get a better feel for someone, but you also want them to meet before they’re ready; you want her to go in blind because you already know how to talk to him, know that there’s no way she’ll be able to get him out of his shell enough to consider a second date. You know he’ll be nervous, so he might say something weird like he did that first time you chatted over Facsimile, and if he does then there’s a good chance she might leave the date not wanting more.

You can’t do that though, you don’t want to see him rejected like that ever again after the loan, so you ball up your fist and give him a playful tap to the shoulder as he waits for your response. ‘Give it a little more time, get to know each other better, the perfect time for a date will show itself eventually, and if it doesn’t then maybe it’s just not meant to be,’ you suggest, and he nods before one-handedly typing out a reply back to her and putting his phone away. 

‘You’re so good with this kinda stuff, I haven’t been on a real date before, it’s why I signed up for LoveMatch to begin with, so I never know where to start whenever I get a match,’ he confesses as you go back to walking, your fist still balled painfully as you hide it in your jacket pocket. 

‘I’ve been on way too many bad dates by now, I’d like to think I’m a bit of an expert on it.’ Your laugh is strained but he doesn’t seem to notice as he looks straight ahead, his cheeks still pink now that she’s on his mind.

‘I can’t wait to meet her, she works at a flower shop nearby but I haven’t been in yet, I don’t wanna creep her out or anything,’ he says as his shyness crops up again, his expression cute until you remember this isn’t for you, it’s for her.

‘Just keep talking to her and it’ll happen, and who knows? Maybe she’ll like you as mu-’ You stop yourself from saying, ‘as much as I do,’ the words unable to come out as he turns to face you with a curious expression. ‘As much as I know she will,’ you finish, and he grins at the ground before taking another drink, your shoulders bumping for just a moment before he steps to the left to give you a bit more space, and you have to grip the inside of your pocket to keep from pulling him back to you.

About a week later he messages you as you’re working, your phone lighting up and buzzing energetically near your hand, and when you open the chat he tells you that she asked him on a date. Your face falls as you force a smile he can’t see, your thumbs typing him a congrats you don’t mean, not entirely, and when he says that he’s going to take her to the park you feel almost betrayed; you know it’s not your park, it’s just someplace you visit sometimes, it wasn’t like he was bringing her to the Hotel for lunch, that would hurt so much worse.

He then says he’s been thinking about packing a picnic since it felt more romantic, and that he was going to bring roses in her favourite colours since she told him she couldn’t decide between red or orange when they were talking about it, and you almost put down your phone as your chest aches. You want it to be you, you want him to ask you to the park for a picnic, you want to be able to pack your own favourites to share with him there now that the weather is nice again, you want him to bring you roses in your favourite colours even though you’re not even that much of a flower person just because they’re from him and he’s thinking of you.

You want to be her.

You tell him that that sounds like a great idea, she’ll love it, he should tell you how it goes afterwards if he wants to, which he does, since you’re his friend.

You’re his friend.

You send him a bunch of fingers crossed emojis and get back to work so he can start planning, the date is this weekend after all and he has things he has to do now, and when you go to bed that night your thumb hovers over the Sign Up button on LoveMatch’s mobile app until you fall asleep.

Three days later you find yourself lurking outside of the park even though you fought all morning not to, not knowing the exact time they were going to meet up and spending every second continuing that fight as you tell yourself to leave before you got hurt even more. You parked a block away so he wouldn’t recognize your car, and you’re wearing one of your thicker hoodies that you prefer to save for colder weather even though it’s making you sweat like crazy, the hood up as you walk around and see if you can find him. You’ve been there for hours now when you finally decide to go, this was stupid and petty and way too jealous to be acceptable no matter how you felt for him, and just as you’re about to leave you hear his voice echo faintly across the open area.

You look over and see him approach an unfamiliar woman, Jeannie, a big bouquet of roses in his hand and his Brougham waiting for him with an open door by the curb where he was dropped off at. He waves nervously at her, and she flashes him a big smile as he hands her the roses, she seems happy about them, and they chat for a little bit as you get a good vantage point behind a nearby tree. There’s people looking at you as they pass but you don’t care, you can’t leave now, and your jealousy turns to shocked offense as you watch her expression slowly fall.

She’s uncomfortable, he’s said something that she didn’t like just like you’d feared, and he picks up on it and motions for her to wait before he jogs back to the car, he’s still going to try and fix it with the picnic. The moment he’s away from her she puts the roses down on the bench they’re standing by and bails, her footsteps fast as she puts as much distance between them before his return, and your body moves on its own as you want to chase her down, demand to know why she did that. You lose her as you hear him come back to the bench, his voice calling out to her again but she’s long gone, and you freeze with your back to him as you hear him set down the basket, his car already driving off and stranding him there.

The lump is already forming in your throat again when you hear your phone go off, and when you pick up and turn to face him he’s already looking at you, having heard the ringtone you’d assigned to him from your short distance away. He looks hurt at your presence at first, then upset, then angry, and he leaves both the roses and the basket behind as he starts to walk away.

‘Simon, wait,’ you call out to him as you race after him, his long legs carrying him farther and faster as you quickly catch up, but you being there is just insult to injury and he does not want you to be there for him today.

‘You saw it all, didn’t you?’ he demands as he just keeps walking with no destination, needing to get away from you and his heartbreak as fast as he can, and you try to walk backwards in front of him but you can’t keep the pace, not when he keeps changing directions every time you catch up.

‘I’m sorry, I wanted to make sure it went okay,’ you confess before you can come up with yet another lie, and he scoffs at it bitterly.

‘Wanted to make sure I didn’t fuck it up like the loan, right? Well, sorry to break it to you, but I fucked it up again, I’m just one big fuckup!’ He takes another sharp turn to try and lose you in a dense crowd but you grab onto him, use him like an anchor as he tries to jerk away enough to make you let go, but your grip is strong and true as not even that works. 

‘You aren’t a fuckup!’ you insist desperately in a too loud voice for being in public, a group of mothers with strollers giving you the dirtiest look at your language, but you just give them a ‘give me a break’ look back before turning your attention back to him. ‘She just doesn’t know you yet, what did you say? Maybe you can still fix it? Or you could try one of your other matches? She isn’t the only one out there, you don’t need her!’

‘I told her that I wanted to meet her at work,’ he says, and that’s not so bad until he explains why it upset her. ‘I told her that I saw her place of work in the trashed data and I wanted to surprise her by ordering the roses from her, and she didn’t like it.’

Yeah, that’ll do it.

‘She- she didn’t get that you weren’t looking her up to doxx her or stalk her or anything?’ you hurriedly ask, and he just shakes his head, his pace slowing as you exit the main road and head down a less busy street, somewhere more private, probably unintentionally on his part.

‘No, I tried to explain that but her expression said it all, and when I got back…’ He slows even more, you both know how it ended and his lip is quivering. ‘She didn’t even have to guts to say goodbye, she just wanted to leave me there like I could be thrown out like the roses, like trash, that fucking bitch!’ He kicks the trashcan you’re about to pass and it crashes hard to the ground, the contents spilling all over the sidewalk as he loses control of his anger again. ‘I’m a person, goddamnit, why does this keep…’

You step around the trash as the wind blows it into your path, creating a river between the two of you that you cross to get to him, and this time when you try to hug him he steps back, puts a hand up to keep you away.

‘Don’t, just- don’t, I can’t be touched by you right now,’ he says softly, and he isn’t crying but he looks about to as you obediently back up, the trash spreading around you and making the river swell. ‘I’m going home, I’m sorry you keep having to deal with me.’

You try to tell him otherwise but he isn’t listening as he pulls up his hood and heads back to the main road, a cab hailed before he gets in and drives away, leaves you there alone. You lower your own hood and unzip your hoodie so your body can cool a little as you walk back to your car, and when you reach the bench you see that there’s a small group of concerned people gathering around the basket, all of them clearly thinking that it might be something dangerous.

‘That’s mine, sorry, it’s just a picnic,’ you say as you approach it, and everyone can’t help but peer inside as you prove it to them. In that quick glimpse you can see that he worked hard on the contents within, he made a whole bunch and even grabbed a few different drinks as well as a bottle of wine to split, and you swallow as you relatch the lid and grab the handle. The roses are still there too and you pick them up, they’re the synthetic kind you can tell as their scent is muted compared to the real thing, he wanted her to keep them for a while without them dying, and you hold them close to your chest as you finish the trek to your car.

You don’t look at the items in your passenger seat until you get home, and when you reach your apartment you put the flowers in a waterless vase and spread out the picnic on your coffee table. You choose your favourite drink, of course he would’ve brought it out of all the possible options, and open up the wine as well as you enjoy the picnic by yourself, not wanting to let it go to waste as you try not to notice how large your couch was without him there to enjoy it with you.

He ignores your messages for a while after that, so you stop texting him to give him some space, but that doesn’t stop you from at least typing everything out and deleting it before the temptation to press send overtakes you. You look him up on LoveMatch and see that he’s offline, and after looking up Jeannie’s name you discover a recent post she made in the site’s forums section; you click in and see that she completely tried to ruin his reputation on the site, warning others to stay away from him, calling him creepy and a stalker and claiming that he would doxx any matches. Your heart races as the comments join in, insulting his picture and saying he looked like a creep, how some said they had messaged him but now they were going to block, thanking her for the warning and telling her how sorry they were for having to deal with that.

You nearly come to his rescue but there’s no point, they’ve already made up their minds, and you instead flag the post as harassment and pray that it got taken down before he saw it.

He’s seen it.

He sends you the link without another word, your request to remove it denied, and when you look for his profile you find it gone.

He misses your next Friday lunch, and you figure enough is enough as you decide that if he wasn’t going to talk to you then you were going to talk to him. You wait until he gets off work before parking across from the bar, and you keep your distance as he hails a ride and heads home for the night. Your hands are gripping the wheel way too hard the entire way there, and when the car turns into a large, mostly empty lot sans a bunch of trailers parked inside as well as a few storage containers and miscellaneous vehicles and construction things for the building across the street you just keep going and pretend like you weren’t just following him. You wait until his ride leaves as you park nearby, and you casually walk up to the one you saw him heading for and hope that he won’t kick you out immediately as you knock on the door.

There’s the sound of stumbling from inside until the door opens and you step out of its way, Simon just looking at you before a cacophony of emotions plays across his face. ‘Hey,’ you say when he doesn’t shut the door right away, ‘you stopped answering my messages, I wanted to make sure you were okay.’

‘So you followed me?’ He’s more surprised than angry, which is good, but you don’t know how long it’ll last so you talk fast, needing to get it out while you have the chance.

‘You never told me where you lived, I improvised, I’m not the one with access to trashed data here,’ you try to joke, but neither of you laugh as you just stand there on his makeshift porch, which is just big enough to hold a single lawn chair and nothing else, another sign of his isolation.

‘I never wanted you to come here,’ he mutters just quietly enough that you almost miss it, and when you lean in to listen his expression hardens. ‘Your place is so nice, you’ve got a nice view, everything is so open, you do so well for yourself. But me, even with two jobs this is all I can afford, I can’t save up for my bar when I have bills to pay, can’t get a loan because I can’t pay it off if it fails, you’ve got everything so put together and I’m-’ He stops, he’s been looking at the ground the entire time but when he falls silent he makes a point to purposefully not look at you, and you can see the shine in his eyes as he shifts from foot to foot, resists slamming the door in your face. ‘I’m a fucking loser.’

‘You’re not-’

‘I got kicked out of the academy, I got evicted, I got denied for my loan, I got dumped before my date even started and now every other match I made has me blocked, I live in a fucking trailer because I can’t afford rent in the city anymore and it’s cheap to live out this far, how am I not a loser?’ He quiets down when he starts yelling out all the reasons why he was worthless, his voice echoing over the lot, and he tries to shut the door when your hand shoots out and holds it open the second you see it move. ‘I just- I don’t understand why you keep talking to me after all that, why do you keep coming back? Why haven’t you left like everyone else? Why won’t you just- leave me alone…?’

You swallow and walk up the two-step stairs, Simon backing up until you let yourself in, the door shutting behind you and trapping your voices inside so they can’t carry anymore. ‘Because none of that defines you, it happened to you but that isn’t who you are,’ you tell him, and he’s hunched over now that he’s inside, the ceiling not high enough to accommodate him in his own home.

‘And who am I?’ he asked pathetically, but you don’t see him as pathetic, not even now as you see his home and how bare it is, the nicest thing he owns his computer over by the far window, the setup grand and expensive looking, and you fondly think to yourself that he probably built it all himself.

‘You’re smart, you’re so fucking smart, and you’re easy to talk to, and you’re a bit weird sometimes, and you word things kinda badly at the worst of times but you’re not a creep, and you’re passionate about what you want and it’s so unfair that no one’s given you a proper chance, or gotten to know the real you, not just what they’ve heard and assumed about you. You’re not a bad guy, you’re more than your black marks, you’re Simon.’

He blinks and a tear falls from his eye to the floor thanks to the angle his neck is forced to be, but he never sits even though it must be hurting him, and you wonder if maybe you’ve gotten through to him when he catches you completely off guard with what he says next: ‘Would you still think that if you knew the real me?’

‘What do you mean?’ You’ve known him for half a year now, there wasn’t any side of him you hadn’t seen yet, but apparently there was as another tear falls.

‘I killed someone, about five years ago now.’

You stagger back into the door, the wind knocked out of you at this revelation, and he shuts his eyes and looks away from your expression as one of pain takes over his own face. ‘What are you talking about?’ you ask quietly, your voice failing you the first time you try, and he flinches at your words like you’d just screamed them in his face.

‘Back when I was evicted I was looking for people to room with, just temporarily until I could get back on my feet, and this guy had answered my ad, invited me over to check out his place. I should’ve been more cautious but it was so cold I couldn’t wait, and when I got there he tried to mug me, take whatever I had left. I fought back in self-defense, but when I almost got away he started attacking me, wanted to keep me there until his actual roommate got home so he had help, and I-’ He sits down then, his hands shaking as he goes back to that time, and your back leaves the door as he looks up at you with such sadness that your chest feels hollow. ‘He tried to kill me, I was only trying to defend myself, I didn’t mean to hurt him so bad, I just wanted to find somewhere to stay, it was so cold outside…’

‘What happened after that?’ You think you might’ve just mouthed the words with how much your voice breaks, but he understands you anyways.

‘The roommate came home while I- while it was happening, called the cops, and when they saw me standing there covered in blood, holding the knife still, they instantly ruled it as a homicide and arrested me. I was able to plead not guilty but they took one look at my bad psych eval and thought I’d snapped, killed him outta malice or something, it was only by a miracle that the evidence was in my favour.’

‘And the roommate?’

‘They searched the place and found evidence of all the others before me that’d fallen for the con, he was charged and arrested and I made bail, but after that my mother never talked to me again, even though I was acquitted.’ It looks like a weight’s been lifted now that he’s said it, but he also looks so fucking tired, most of him taking up his small loveseat couch. You want to go to him but you can’t move, your body refusing to shift even an inch in case he didn’t want you to, and he looks you over before something in his eyes begs you please; you let out a small noise as you fall to the ground between his knees, your hand holding his just like you had when you’d wrapped him up.

‘Why are you still here? Why haven’t you thrown me out yet?’ he weakly asks you, and you can’t lie to him any longer as you hold his hand up to your cheek.

‘Don’t you know what you mean to me?’ you need to know, your voice so small that again you’re not even sure if any of it even comes out, and he lets out a breath that sounds so desperate and broken it makes you wonder just how long he’s been holding it: days, weeks, months, since the moment you met?

‘I didn’t want to hope- you… you’re my only friend, I didn’t want to ruin everything and lose you too,’ he whispers as he properly holds you, his palm so warm against your skin, and you lean into his touch as you let out the breath you were holding in return.

‘You almost broke my heart when you said you went back to LoveMatch, I wanted to tell you so badly,’ you’re finally able to confess, and when you do his other hand finds your arm, holds you with just enough pressure that you know he wants you there.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I didn’t want to ruin everything either.’

He leans forward until his forehead rests against yours, and when you open your eyes and look into his you can see everything you ever wanted again, all of it feeling so real and within reach as you brush his bangs aside, rest your hand on the back of his neck. His other hand comes up to cup your other cheek, and he’s shaking slightly like he’s afraid to touch you even though he already is because this time it’d be his decision to, his lips parting as he stares down at your own, and when he touches you you lean up and close the space between you.

He sighs against your mouth as you kiss him, it so full of relief and contentment and joy, and you wrap your arms around his neck again as you successfully sit in his lap this time. His lack of experience is apparent but you have no complaints as you deepen the kiss, needing more now that you could have it, and he lets you have everything you ever wanted as he leans back against the cushions until his head hits the metal wall behind him. He mutters an ow as he lets go of you to rub his head, and you laugh before catching his mouth again, which he eagerly allows you to do; he eats up all your attention, starving for it as he gets more into it, needing whatever you can give after so many rejections, and you’re happy to give it all back as you kiss his neck.

‘I was so proud of you when you told me you were trying for the loan, I really wanted to celebrate with you,’ you whisper into his skin, and you can feel him shiver as he lets out a soft moan and tilts his head to the side so you have easier access. ‘You’ve been trying so hard, please let me reward you, I want to be the first to…’

He moans your name as his hips start to move, try to find friction against you, and you shift until he does, his jaw going slack as he holds you by your thighs, perfects the angle even more.

‘When I saw you with her I wanted it to be me, I hated myself for wanting her to go, but she didn’t deserve you, I’ll never leave, and I want the next time we meet to be a real date, whether it’s at the Hotel or the park or my place or here, I want to be with you.’

He makes a noise of pure want, his Adam's apple bobbing as he tries to swallow back the sob that follows, he was always weak to your compliments but you need him to know how worth it he is to you, how much he deserves this after everything he’s been through.

‘You’re wonderful, I love spending time with you, you’re everything I want.’

A tear escapes between his tightly shut eyelids and you kiss it away before going to his jaw, pressing your lips along it before you find his mouth again.

‘I really like you, Simon, you mean so much to me, I’m so glad I got to meet you.’

He’s practically whimpering in your lap as he cries harder, his hips never stopping, he needs this so much but so do you, and you let him use you as the growing pressure wrenches a moan from your lips.

‘I love-’

You don’t get to finish as he comes apart underneath you, his body shuddering as he grips you tight and gasps out a series of choked out moans, your eyes fluttering shut as you feel it all travel from the top of your head down to the tips of your toes. You feel the heat between your thighs as he slowly catches his breath, his cheeks turning red under streams of tears in embarrassment for coming from just this much, but you just kiss the tip of his nose and rest your chest against his, let him feel how hard your heart was beating.

‘I love you,’ you whisper now that you can, and he looks at you like you’ve just given him the sun and the moon on a golden platter.

‘I’m so glad I texted you back then,’ he confesses against your cheek, his hands leaving your thighs to rest on your back, keeping you close, ‘I think I started to love you the moment you wanted to actually talk to me.’

‘Lucky for me your standards are so low,’ you joke, but it falls flat in the best of ways as he nuzzles into your neck.

‘It was all I needed, I just wanted someone to believe in me.’ He presses a single kiss to the space where your neck meets your shoulder, and your nails scrape lightly against his scalp as you let out a sigh at the feeling.

‘I told you, I’ll keep cheering you on until it works,’ you remind him, and he sits up straight so he can hold you even closer in his hug, your bodies fitting together perfectly as you hold him back and don’t let go.

The snow is falling lightly outside as you stretch in your chair, your back cracking as you raise your arms high above your head. You’re all done for the day, everything on your list checked off as you glance at the time and see that it’s almost 8PM, he’ll be there soon. You stand and bring the feeling back to your legs before grabbing the remote and turning on the TV, queuing up the next episode of the show you’re marathoning only one at a time each night. You let the recap and intro play and then press pause, it’s nearly time now, and you’re in the middle of grabbing the plates and utensils when you hear a knock at the door. You unlock it and open up to reveal Simon on the other side, all bound up in a large winter jacket, his scarf pulled up high enough to cover his nose and mouth from the cold.

‘You forget your key at work again?’ you tease as he walks in, trailing snow over to the mat where he can take his boots off.

‘Kinda hard to unlock the door with both hands full,’ he points out with a smirk as he then sets the food brought from said work on the table. ‘It’s busy tonight despite the snow, lots of people coming in to escape the chill, had to order these early to make sure they were done on time.’

‘You know I can always make something before you get back, you don’t have to keep bothering Elison over it,’ you remind him, but he won’t hear of it, he loves being able to bring you back something so you don’t have to stop working until you’re ready and you know it.

‘I convinced him to leave the Hotel to come work for me, might as well use him,’ is what he has to say to that, and you can’t argue with it as you both transfer your dinners onto the plates you set out. ‘Besides, it’s the only way I can get my favourites without having to drive across town, that’s a good enough reason to keep bothering him.’

You hum in agreement as you sit down together, the episode playing as soon as you’re settled, and when you’re done eating he curls up next to you, rests his head against your shoulder even though it hurts his neck. You take pity on him and adjust so he can lay more properly, his face still red from the winter chill, and you find yourself paying more attention to him until he feels your eyes on him.

‘You think we can do two episodes tonight before you go back? We’re so close to the season finale,’ you plead in that tone of voice that always gets him, and he looks like he really wants to say yes but he can’t, he doesn’t like leaving the place for so long as is even though his staff is more than capable of watching over things for an hour without him; outside of the weekend it’s the only time you can be together until he gets home at 2AM, when you’re already asleep most nights, and before he leaves again by 9AM, at least until the new year where he plans on hiring more staff if things keep getting better.

‘Not tonight, maybe tomorrow if it’ll calm down when the storm hits, I’ll call it early if it’s bad enough,’ he promises, and you smile and hold his hand as you rewind the episode back to before you stopped watching.

‘Should I be so jealous of a bar?’ you ask rhetorically, and he answers you yes before you playfully hit him and press play again. ‘Maybe I should start working for you part-time, I miss our Friday lunches, you’re too busy for me now.’

‘I’m never too busy for you,’ he reassures you so gently and genuinely before kissing you, the scene you just rewound to getting ignored again as you don’t let him go after just one. ‘I wouldn’t mind having you there, though, even if I think we might not get a lot done whenever you’re there.’

‘I’m just trying to make some C0NN3CT10N$,’ you say as slowly and as slyly as you can, drawing out the word as he just stares at you, ‘y’know like the bar’s na-’

He silences you with another kiss, this one a little more chaste as he laughs against your lips. ‘Yeah, yeah I know,’ he chuckles, and once again the episode is rewound so you can watch it, your arms around him for the rest of the hour he sets aside just for you each night, and in your head you make a mental note to thank your mother for recommending that son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker 10 months too late as he lovingly holds you right back.

[slutshamethesquirrels]

I feel deranged reading infatuation

it’s so good it makes me wanna make a YouTuber video essay explaining all the nuances in there which feel so true and authentic to the experience of being ACTUALLY fat. and liking a dude who ISNT.

that part where you wrote that “the girl in your daydreams had lost the weight” is soul crushing. the MC knowing that she only fits in better with boys because she feels like she CANT fit in with girls while she looks the way she does. I’m a 22 year old and I’ve probably had more male BEST friends than I’ve had female friends. yeah i also ended up crushing on most of them because they could be so kind as to look past the unfortunate flaw of the way that i look! (even tho it’s just seriously disordered brain talk there) like word for word bar for bar oh my god I’m looking in a mirror—please someone cover it up before I get upset!!!!!!

I feel like a smaller bodied person would read this and think “wow is this rlly what it’s like being fat” and well yes! I do think about my size, and how much space I’m taking up even in normal scenarios in which it is uncalled for!

it’s a weird feeling i have reading fanfiction and knowing it’s pure, unbridled fantasy; there is a ZERO percent chance jjk boys would ever even glance in my direction in a romantic way but I’m delusional and Suguru geto is hot so i read it anyway but mannnn I read your lovely fic and was pleasantly thrown off by how for once i was visualizing the real fat me in place of the MC and not the me who is skinny and perfect.

it’s beautiful. it’s perfect. i love it, 10/10 stars i would pay you to write more.

especially abt something similar but with Gojo who is well aware of how perfect he really is whewww i just know that shit will hurt so good to read 😫

ONG HI FRIEND THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

WELCOME TO SHAMESY'S LIL CORNER OF THE INTERNET IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU

i definitely wrote from experience here bc i have always been fat and my past like,,, idk 4 flings have been average weight guys so im accumulating all my experiences into this lil fic and im so glad you love it!!

i definitely though am writing this from a less secure place than i am now so just in case im gonna let you in on a little secret:

men do like you. no, they do. its just like like we come up in this environment of asshole kids and even assholier adults who condition us to believe a certain way about ourselves that we feel like they don't but trust me,,, they DO. I date hot men irl but its literally because i woke up one day and decided i was gonna start telling myself i AM hot and i dont have to settle.

i felt s t u p i d at first but i literally had to like mentally beat myself into wearing what i wanted and not having a complex about it. now all i own are crop tops and cute outfits. i get hit on a ton in public. i didn't lose a single solitary pound.

you literally just have to make yourself break out of that mold and its so hard but let me tell you i LOVE you and im so happy you're here 💕

writing this one for the girlies like me has been so therapeutic and more is on the way!! i got some paragraphs in today so!! stay tuned!!

TAKE UR SMOOCH ASKS GET SMOOCHES AROUND HERE

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi :) i hear you give advice and i very much need some. I’m 15 and I live in a pretty (very) conservative christian area.

My older sibling is 19, and came out as trans to me like a year ago. Ngl I didn’t really know what that meant, cause we don’t learn about that stuff (except for your classic, anything that isn’t “normal” is wrong). But he just told me that he’s happier with he/him and with his new name. But he hasn’t told our parents yet, so I have to use the old stuff in front of them when he comes back for visits (he’s as uni) which feels gross cause I know he feels uncomfortable but it’s fine. 

I sort of thought the he/him thing would be weird, since that’s not how i’ve addressed him my whole life, but after a couple of months it was actually super easy. We call each other like twice a week, and I was worried we’d drifted apart after he told me but actually were closer than ever, I feel like I know him a lot better now. 

Oh but his old name, the one parents gave him, SUCKS. And now I can’t mock him for it cause he picked a new one, which seems unfair to me but I can come up with new material, i’m creative.

Anyway, he told me that he’s been saving up and he’s gonna get top surgery. He’s had a pretty good job since  school so I guess he’s been saving since then. I hear it’s expensive. 

But it made him decide to tell our parents. So when he came up and visited, just before he left, he told them.

That was last week. They reacted terribly, as we knew they would. And they’ve both been yelling about it a bunch. Saying stuff like “He (okay no they’re actually using she but I won’t be doing that even in writing cause it feels wrong cause it’s my brother) is totally insane” or “He needs therapy, we failed him.” or “How dare *old name* do this” or “he’s delusional” and a bunch of other awful shit like that.

So I have two options. I can try and encourage them to do little things like use he/him for my brother. Or call him their son instead of daughter. Or actually look at photos of him now (he very much doesn’t look like a girl anymore- idk how they didn’t realise tbh). Or how he always did little things like cutting his hair and hating dresses and other stuff like that.

I’ve often been able to help my parents be nicer about stuff. Like my friend who’s a lesbian, they hated her at first but now they’re nicer about it.

But maybe if I do that they’ll start yelling about corrupting me (as they’ve done in the past) and harass my brother worse and be even worse about it all. 

It’s hard to know which direction it’ll go.

And look I still don’t really get it. But also it makes sense, you know? It’s like the final puzzle piece being slotted in, all those things he used to do make sense now. 

My parents say I can’t interact with lgbtq+ stuff cause they’ll corrupt me. But like- not to be rude but, aren’t they corrupting me? My brother HAPPY. I don’t see how that’s wrong. And they’re the ones telling me I should be actively encouraging him to be- what, sad again? Uncomfortable in himself. 

I don’t know, i’m not totally sure I understand my parents or my brother. I got tumblr in the first place since it’s the only thing I could think of that’s online (so I could hide it) and probably has lgbtq+ people on it so I could- idk get used to it I guess. 

And now i’m here. 

When it comes down to it, I want my brother to be happy, and if he’s happier as my brother than my sister then I don’t see why I should care about him switching pronouns or whatever. 

So I want to try and help my parents see it like that too. And they often do see new sides to things when I point them out. So maybe id be helping.

But there’s also the chance they’d get more mad at my brother for corrupting me and that’d make him upset and that’s not what I want. 

So yeah, any advice? 

It’s kinda scary coming from my small town onto the giant internet of people i’ve been taught are weird. But you guys don’t seem that weird. I mean- you do but weird like i’m weird, not weird like ill. (Sorry if any of this seems rude btw, I might not get it but i’m trying really hard not to judge anyone, since it’s pretty clear to me that some of the things i’ve been taught aren’t correct). 

Also why do my parents think my brothers ill anyway? I know him, i’d know if he’s ill. Also i love history, and trans people are all over history. I mean they’re never said to be trans but watching my brother, it’s pretty obvious other people were like him. 

Anyway, thanks and have a good summer 💖

Hi hon!

I want to tell you, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you're an amazing support to your brother. You should be so proud of yourself.

I think you need to think about what is best for you and your mental health. If speaking up to your parents about your brother could end in them getting mad at you, it might not be a good idea. You've been doing amazing at supporting him while staying quiet, and I know he knows you support him. It might be best for yout o quietly educate yourself online without making a fuss, until you aren't relying on your parents as much for money, food, and shelter- kind of like your brother did.

This also might be a good thing to talk to your brother about, too. Like you said, this could affect him, and he probably knows your parents well. He might have some good advice <3 But you don't HAVE to stand up to them if it's not good for you. It's okay to educate yourself, and be an ally in other ways <3

Naming you history anon <3

(also wish your brother luck on his top surgery for me!)

[threestripeslider]

back at it again with a vibe check!!

let me preface this as brief as possible: I don’t care about polls.

dont get me wrong, i think they’re fun!! especially the sillay goofy ones like “which peepaw would get obliterated by a single chili in their food” that kind of silly.

but i’ve been noticing a trend in which a lot of those polls are starting to look like thinly veiled popularity contests – obviously not everyone intends that, but it’s just starting to look like that. me personally? i dont really give a shit bc again, i write for myself bc i wanna read specific things and i might as well produce what i want to see and just invite everyone else who has a similar desire. but if you’re gonna start polls just to see which is more “popular” then i kindly ask you to leave my stuff out of it bc im getting a little tired of it.

i do recognise odd man out is well known bc ppl like what i write and tell ppl about it, so i think it’s not only a little unfair to pit smaller fics against mine but also invites a lot of ugly behaviour like shitting on the bigger fics just bc they are “popular”. im sorry, but most of us werent even ASKED if we wanted to be in those polls and honestly? i refuse to take any responsibility for hurt feelings.

i’m doing this for Fun, i’m not competing with anyone. us with “big fics” literally do not owe you any consolation, we’re doing this for free and none of it pays us any bills. all what these repeated competitions and comparisons do is kill motivation and the fun we get from creating and exchanging ideas.

i had fun with the recently finished peepaw poll bc with how i interacted with some of the members, a lot of them didnt take it as seriously and i liked that, that’s what made it fun. im not telling you to not stop making polls, but at least dont create any where it seems like you all are clamoring for some popularity contest – leave my stuff out of those bc i really dont wanna deal with weird comments and halfway demanding asks bc i promise, i will not care about it bc we’re all some guy on the internet. but i know some ppl really dont wanna be part of this but are stuck pretending they’re okay out of fear they’re gonna ruin everyone’s fun – and you all know im not a fan of putting everyone’s fun before anyone’s boundaries.

so here’s mine; you may use odd man out in your polls, especially the silly goofy ones. i’d prefer that you don’t use odd man out in your borderline popularity polls, but even if you do, i won’t care about it and will dismiss it along with everything related to it. and please, for the love of god, stop putting me, my stuff or anyone else and their stuff on a pedestal bc that never ends well for anybody.

[larvaem1lk]

cookie stand

ellie williams x fem reader <3

🦋 hellooo, this is my first time publishing a fic to tumblr! i’m like really nervous and scared and !!!!!! i wrote this in mid march which was one of my first times writing for the lovely & beautiful ellie, so please forgive me if she’s kind of like. not characterized well. i hope there aren’t any errors & pls forgive my overuse of the words ‘pretty’ and ‘CDs’… i’ve been holding this one out for tooooo long so. please enjoy

🦋 warnings: none really :) there’s cursing and my… no so good writing though… overall this is just cute and ellie is like so nervous because why are u such an angelic being!?!?

other than that, please enjoy & thank u to anyone who reads!! :-* i hope u like it or at least someone out there does. feedback is so appreciated, promise my fics from here will be better <3

It was your scent that first consumed her mind full of wonder… the unfamiliar sweetness filling her nose and leaving her woozy. She didn’t know what it was, or who it was. She just assumed the pretty flowers were emitting nectar to attract insects that she just so smelled, too.

The sky was sunny; the weather was warm, and it was near the middle of spring. Obviously, the blooming flowers would make the most sense. Though she was wrong.

She wasn’t aware of the pretty girl a couple of feet away standing at the cookie stand. She didn’t notice the swarming bundles of children and parents that crowded the tiny baby pink stand, eager to try the sweets. In fact, she wasn’t paying attention to anything else around her.

No, Ellie was only here because Dina said there was supposed to be some guy selling CDs of Ellie’s favorite band that disbanded years ago. She could barely locate any of their music, so this was her only opportunity. Sure, she had the internet, and different media platforms, but that same Dina had bought a boombox for whatever reason and didn’t want it to collect dust. 

So here Ellie sat on a bench, sketchbook in her lap, while she drew random doodles of things around the park near her college—squirrels, butterflies, and dog poop. Or she would scribble random thoughts down, like, “Where are my CDs????” and “Why do dogs squat like that to shit.”

She looked up every few minutes for a sketchy man with a duffel bag, or whoever she thought would have potentially had the stash of CDs.

Yet out of all of the people that walked through, nobody matched the appearance. Maybe she missed them? Was it possible that a group of grannies carried CDs of a long-forgotten band? Or the young moms pushing strollers? She was giving up hope. She almost felt like she had just gotten played.

It wasn’t until she heard your lighthearted giggle in the distance that stopped Ellie from packing up. She looked at the entrance. Nobody. She looked to her right. There you were. A huge smile was on display and your eyes were a bit crinkled. You were squatting to talk with the… many children that surrounded you.

There was confusion at first, her eyebrows pinching inward as she watched you. Were you some type of… teacher? Caregiver? Wait, no. She didn’t even notice the baby pink stand behind you. It looked kind of cute. She squinted, and saw a pear-green sign that read, “HOMEMADE cookies!! $2.50 each… + random FREE CDs! :)”

Hold the fuck on. Random “FREE” CDs? This might just be where she finds the discography of her favorite band. But it was weird, a cookie stand selling random CDs? hell, she didn’t even care at this point. She’s been in need of some music to jam out to while she drew. Plus, she was interested in learning a few on the guitar just for herself.

Without a second thought, Ellie was stuffing her materials into her bag and throwing it over her shoulder as she stomped over to where your stand was. There was a bit of a line between children and parents. She was disappointed to be all the way in the back, but it would be worth it once she got what she was looking for.

Though it wasn’t a guarantee that you’d have what she wanted. She had been to so many music stores, even searching sketchy websites. Everyone told her the band never existed or we haven’t had them in our catalog for years, so how would you be any different? The small bit of hope was starting to fade again, but, she couldn’t say no to a cookie. Plus, you were pretty.

In the meantime, Ellie stood, waiting. She watched insects in the grass, watched people walking, but she was mostly watching you, from the way your eyes crinkle when you smiled too hard or how caring you were towards the children.

The spring sun was shining over your body, your skin glowing under the soft beams. You had such a pretty smile, and your lips looked so soft. They were shiny with gloss and Ellie wet her own with her tongue at the thought of feeling your lips on hers.

You stood behind the stand, talking and laughing with what seemed to be a guy with his younger sibling. You two seemed to be catching up, as the conversation went on for a good 5 minutes. Or maybe he was flirting. Hopefully not.

Ellie laughed when she heard a kid whine about how badly they had to pee and how long the cookie girl was taking, and Ellie silently agreed. The cookie girl was holding everyone up.

Ellie stood in line for a good 10 minutes before she was behind one more parent-kid duo towards the front. She had watched as kids walked away with large chocolate chip cookies while parents reminisced about CDs from their prime.

She watched as you talked to the child and practically made friends with their mom. But then she was next up as she saw the duo disappear.

This is it. Just do it.

With shaky legs, and a quiet exhale, she took a step closer to the stand, and damn, you were even prettier up close. Your eyes were so pretty under the sunlight and and your face was just—pretty. Ellie felt her mouth dry at the sight.

But why at that moment did a breeze have to blow by? That’s when the dangerous smell of sweetness filled her nose again, and she realized she had been mistaken before. Those weren’t flowers, it was you. You were the one with the dreamy aroma engulfing her in your essence. Now that she was closer to you, it was stronger than before.

Lost in your eyes, she didn’t catch the way your mouth moved in a greeting. And the way you smelled wasn’t helping either. Those same eyes filled with kindness were now glazed over with confusion, and it hit Ellie that you were waiting for her response. She blinked and glanced over her shoulder to make sure that nobody was behind her, sighing in relief when she saw no one.

You spoke up again, tilting your head with concern as your expression. “You okay?” You asked and fuck, your voice. It surprised her that she was still standing with how weak her knees felt.

Ellie cleared her throat and nodded, sniffling out of anxiousness but all that did was nearly slip her back into the clouds again. “Yeah, I’m good. I, Sorry, I just—totally blanked out there,”

She was relieved to see you smile in response. She hoped you didn’t think she was weird for staring at you like that, but how could she not when you looked like… you?

Your gaze lingered on Ellie’s face for a little while, taking in the sparkle of her green eyes and the freckles that decorated her cheeks. Under the brightness of the sun, there was a subtle sheen to her auburn-colored hair. You couldn’t lie. She was pretty. Really pretty. You noticed her drawing by a tree not too long ago when you came to set up your stand.

Ellie felt herself get a little warm at the way you were looking at her. Or maybe that was the weather. The forecast said 60, but it felt more like 80.

You looked down at the table and motioned toward two pink plates of large chocolate chip cookies. “How many would you like?” You clasped your hands together before placing them behind your back.

You were so sweet. So nice. The first thing she had done and couldn’t stop doing was stare at you, yet all you did was smile and ask her how many cookies she wanted. You were a dream.

Ellie’s eyes flickered down to the table in front of you to admire the cookies for a second. They were large, perfectly round, and she didn’t want to seem dumb for thinking this, but the chips seemed to be placed perfectly, too. Of course. With everything balanced, they almost looked damn near store-bought. “Are these really homemade?” She looked up with her eyebrows raised and you nodded.

“Yep! You know these were almost a failed batch, but I fixed them last minute. I was so pissed, but the people love ‘em, so I ain’t too mad about it.” You shrugged and Ellie smiled. She loved hearing you talk.

She pulled her lips to the side and fiddled with her fingers before speaking, “Well, I’d love to have one. How much are they?” You leaned forward to tap the pear green sign with your nail. Ellie instantly felt dumb as she read the large bubble letters, $2.50 each…

She mentally face palmed herself. “Oh… yeah, that’s right. Sorry. Again.” You laugh as she digs into her bag to bring out three crumpled sheets of green. “Can never keep track of coins,” her words were in a whisper as she handed you the dollar bills.

She watched your every movement, somehow finding everything you did fascinating. You were like some ethereal being that she’d come across, entrancing her with your mesmerizing aura. She had seen plenty of girls before, able to woo them with her charm and exude such a confidence with ease. But what was it with you?

You folded the dollar bills toward you before sliding them into your pocketbook that sat on top of a large bin beside you. Inside were rows of colorful CDs and Ellie’s eyes lingered there for a moment as she remembered what she was actually there for. Gotta stay on track.

You grabbed a pear-colored napkin from the pile that sat beside the cookies, and Ellie noticed the matching with the the sign. You handed it to her with the cookie inside, and when Ellie took a bite she almost passed out.

“Wait, whoa, holy shit…” her words muffled as she chewed. You couldn’t read her expression, but her brows pinched inward, and you weren’t sure if the taste surprised her or… if it was bad. Dammit, this batch. Maybe she had gotten a particularly bad cookie out of the hundred you hadn’t sold yet.

“Do you like it?” You squinted with a bit of hesitancy, feeling nervous. Her eyes shot up to you from the cookie immediately. “What do you mean? I love this. This is so fucking good! And you’re telling me these were almost a failed batch?”

You smile at her reaction. “Oh my gosh, thank you! I’m glad you like it. Do you want a CD?”

Ellie stuffed the rest of the cookie in her mouth and chewed a little before stuffing the napkin in her pocket. She swallowed hard before nodding. “Oh, uh, yeah. That’s actually what I was here for, but I don’t regret that cookie.”

Ellie felt her heart skip a beat when she heard you giggle. “Well, who are you looking for? I have pretty much everything… I think… I dunno. My gramma was just an insane diehard music fanatic, and I thought it’d be nice to let people have a little bit of that too. You know? But, now that I think about it these aren’t really ‘random’? All the artists are pretty well known and I sorted them into different genres so—what would you like?”

Ellie watched as you sighed afterwards, and she could tell you felt a little embarrassed because of your rambling. But she thought it was cute with the way you moved your hands and how you looked up to the left when you got sucked into your thoughts.

“Hm, let’s see if the cookie girl has what I’m looking for.” You smile at the name “cookie girl” and Ellie cringed once the name of the band came out of her mouth in fear that you would say the same thing everyone else did. And she was tired of searching.

But when your face lit up, she almost felt confused because she had never received that reaction before. She was more familiar with confused or sympathetic expressions.

“Are you serious? I definitely have them. I swear my grandma talked about them all the time before she passed.” You turned to the large bin and rummaged around. “You want their EP or—“

“Yes! Yes. Yeah. Gimme everything you got of ‘em. Please.”

You smiled before you were quick to search for what she wanted. Ellie studied your every movements in anticipation as your fingers walked over the tops of various CD cases. But once you stopped, she felt a sense of relief. Finally.

You pulled out CD after CD, almost dropping some when you turned to the table. You cautiously set them down and Ellie grabbed one to examine the cover.

“Oh man… holy fuck! This is really them…” she whispered while turning over the CD to look at the backside. She read the different titles of the band’s songs and looked over the faces of each member in the picture.

You take in how excited she is as she looks through the disks and stuffed each one into her bag. She looked cute. There was a sparkle in her eyes as you watched her look over the last one.

“Do you know how long I’ve been looking for them? Literally, nobody had their stuff for shit.” She looks up at you to be met with your beautiful smile. She almost got lost in your eyes again, and as a breeze just so flowed by, your scent mesmerized her once more.

You say something that Ellie doesn’t catch, but you say something again as a question and she has to force herself to blink to come out of her daze.

“Sorry—uh, what’d you say?” she squints, feeling a little flustered.

You blow a laugh through your nose. “I was just saying that I hope you have fun with your CDs. I’m gonna be packing up soon, so are you sure that’s all you want?”

Ellie frowned a little. “Oh, yeah, I’m good. I got what I was looking for… thanks to you. Really, thank you.”

You smile that beautiful smile of yours and nod. You turn away to rummage around in a larger bag and Ellie watches as you do. She’s not sure if she should say bye or if she should just walk away. She found the CDs, finally, but she had also come across another find, you.

The more she talked to you, the more she wanted to get to know you. She wanted to see that gorgeous smile all the time and look into your pretty eyes whenever she wanted to. She wanted to play songs for you on her guitar while you baked more cookies and she wanted to draw pictures of you and things you liked. The two of you didn’t even have to jump right into romance. She just wanted to be your friend and be around you all the time.

“Hey, um… do you—you go to the college right?” Ellie didn’t even notice when the words spilled out of her mouth, but it was enough to make you stop and look at her. She absentmindedly clutched the strap of her bag as she waited for your reply.

“Yeah, I do,” you answered. Ellie nodded and just stood there, wanting more words to tumble out of her mouth but she was worried she’d fuck up and say the wrong thing. Which is why she slid her bag off her shoulder halfway to dig inside. She opened up her sketchbook and ripped a corner piece of paper out before rummaging around for some type of pencil.

You watched as she leaned over the table and scribbled something down in a rush that you couldn’t quite decipher. When she was done, she scanned over it and handed you the paper. Her face was a light pink as she did so and it confused you as you took the paper from her.

When you looked down, there were some words along with what you think was a number that read, “thanks for the cookie n CDs…. call me sometime? - ellie w.”

You smiled like a schoolgirl and went to say something to her, but she had already left. You looked around the park before you to spot the girl with auburn hair and green eyes with the freckles but unfortunately had spotted no one. Though at least now you knew what you would do as soon as you got to your dorm.

You would call Ellie.

[13thdoctorposts]

You're so right about the Millie Gibson stuff

I keep seeing RTD sycophants grrr at the tabloids but like, if he or Bad Wolf or the BBC made a fucking statement to support her or even just a five sentence statement confirming the character arc was finished and nothing else then they wouldn't be able to write the shit about her that they are. It is fucking suspect that they're hanging her out to dry. And so damn clumsy too, his little cult keeps saying filming in advance is soon smart but I'm not seeing it.

And it's always the working class actors being treated like shit. Ecclestone and Gibson, but Whittaker and Capaldi also had a lot of weirdness from the BBC especially once they were on the way out.

Honestly I think the situation with the tabloids and Millie is disgraceful. The fact an employer can let that happen and take no action seems like a violation of duty of care since it’s about the work. And this is a 19 year old woman you just let multiple papers smear in print and across the internet completely unchecked, it’s beyond my understanding how that’s ok.

What has been interesting is seeing all the people who have been attacking Chibs from the left for years now trying to defend RTDs actions, and acting like everything RTD does is no big deal everyone is over reacting but Chibs is the devil incarnate.

Whether it’s in the show, I’m sorry but I don’t know how dead naming a character because you want the audience to know their dead name because it means ‘doctor’ of which how many people would have even got the reference is somehow anywhere near as bad as 13 talking about the Kerblam automation system not being the problem the people using it, like the serial killing terrorist intent on mass murder she trying to stop is, they claim that’s way worse?

Or if it’s real life where BW and the BBC just let those horrible stories run rife in print and on the internet and even when asked for comment gave none just hung the 19 year old they hired out to dry and didn’t care if it ruined her career. Vs Chibs who when the papers came calling saying the crew said Jodie was making them work into the night etc. he was like it was night shoots show them the schedule everyone was rostered on and having a great time they love Jodie.

People say Chibs had no idea how to Show run, yet there wasn’t this level of horror stories or leaks in his tenure, fans may have wanted more but he had that place running like a well oiled machine and everyone who’s come out about working there has only had positive things to say about it Vs RTD who either can’t or doesn’t want to control leaks no matter how much harm they may inflict on the people he show be protecting most the ones the spotlight, and his stars of the show.

[longing-for-rain]

I was reading one of your fanfiction and you’ve written in disgusting detail about zuko getting r@ped, why?

Interesting question. I wonder about it myself sometimes.

But what the hell, let me psychoanalyze myself tonight because it’s been a really bad time lately and it’s Friday night so you know what that means 🥴🥃

Anyways.

Weirdly enough I’ve been drawn to that kind of content from a young age, like age 12 young, pretty much right after I’d gone on the internet and been exposed to shit. It was always confusing for me. I always had this weird compulsion to watch certain male characters get hurt very badly in ways women typically get hurt. I’m not just talking about rape either; that’s probably the most extreme part of it, but it was also things like “damsel in distress” situations, eating disorders, body image issues, etc. I’m not saying men never experience these things, just that especially in media, they’re almost always associated with women.

I felt really weird for it because let’s be honest it is pretty fucked up. How did I get like this? It’s not even like I found it hot or anything—I’m a lesbian, I don’t feel attraction towards men at all. Besides, it was only violence I was drawn to. The minute a story started getting to some kind of Stockholm Syndrome situation where the victim starting falling in love with his abuser, it became a squick and I had to run away. It also couldn’t be just any male character. It had to be one I really liked. There have been others but you’re right, it started with Zuko and over the years it’s mostly Zuko. And yeah, that’s why I ended up writing content like that myself, because it was on my mind and I use writing to vent. But why? What was I subconsciously trying to vent about in that specific case?

Lately though I think I figured it out. The best way I can think of to describe it is a revenge fantasy. Which I know is deeply fucked up but hear me out.

So I get on the internet at age 12, right? At the time, my favorite shows were ATLA and HTTYD. So as one does, I start looking for things about my shows and come across art of the blorbos and naturally discover the world of fanfiction. And how wonderful for 12 year old me! I latched onto Zutara almost instantly because even as a kid my favorite scene in the show was the Final Agni Kai and I really wanted to see them get together. Now I find out there is a whole world of stories I can read online about that exact thing happening in so many different ways? It was beautiful.

But as you know if you know anything about fanfic sites (which I assume you do because you found my fucked up stories lol) I found some unpleasant things. Keep in mind this was around 2012 and I was browsing ff.net which had nowhere near the tagging/warning system that AO3 does. And even if it did it probably wouldn’t have mattered because I was 12 years old with a dangerous combination of naïveté and curiosity.

So anyway! What do I find on ff.net when I went scrolling for my lovely Zutara fics? Well, I did find some really cute ones. There are some I still think about but can’t find for the life of me because they’re either deleted or buried in the depths of ff.net. That was all good. You know what wasn’t good? The…other things. And oh boy. The people complaining about how Zutara is some kind of colonizer abuse fantasy wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds back then. I remember reading a fic where Zuko raped Katara while she was tied to a tree. No warnings, and in the end note the author said it wasn’t rape because she ended up liking it. Many, many fics revolving around the idea of Zuko kidnapping Katara and making her into some kind of sex slave but it’s okay! She likes it and he turns good on the end for her so it’s true love! I also vividly remember a Blue Spirit x Katara fic where they were fucking, he took off the mask revealing himself as Zuko, Katara got scared and tried to push him off, Zuko just held her down and kept going. Not called rape. No warnings. Comments full of people talking about how “hot” it was.

Get the picture? It was horrifying. Keep in mind I was 12. It made me deeply angry, not just because of the misogyny and glorification of sexual violence, but also because it was Zuko doing it. I loved this character. I loved him because his story was so compelling, he was good and kind, he seemed safe to me. And reading about him violently abuse and rape the person he was supposed to love most was horrifying. It felt like some kind of betrayal. It made me hate him.

Middle school era me stopped reading Zutara fic as a result. I kept getting burned by it, and felt drawn towards that kind of Zuko rapefic instead. An old Zhaoko fic still sticks out in my mind. It was a pretty simple plot where Zhao kidnapped Zuko, whipped him and raped him, then at the end Katara rescued and healed him. It was oddly cathartic for me. Because it a) satisfied my revenge itch to see Zuko hurt in the same way I read about him hurting Katara in those other fics and b) put Zuko in a vulnerable position that would render him incapable of being a perpetrator in that universe (I know that’s not how it works in reality but that’s just my gut reaction there idk). Also read tons of fucked up Boiling Rock fics because it’s kind of a no brainer in the Zuko rapefic genre.

I don’t remember exactly why, but in the mid 2010s I didn’t really read much fic at all and my interest sort of fizzled out. I was mostly into HTTYD at that point and had a brief fling with Voltron before the fandom went to shit (which didn’t take long). So I guess that dark side of mine went dormant for a while and I didn’t think about it a lot.

Then oh boy…COVID hit. I was 19 when it started and found myself drawn into unhealthy levels of internet usage like most people during that time because what else were we supposed to do for fun. I was also going through some really fucked up heavy personal shit which led me to turning back to my old comfort ship…Zutara. Found my way onto tumblr, then to the fanfic sites. AO3 was a welcome surprise after being used to ff.net. Also for the first time I discovered the “community” aspect of fandom which I really enjoyed and helped me fight some of that COVID-induced isolation. It was really nice at first. I even began writing my own fics for the first time. And as you can see from my AO3 profile, they were very simple and cutesy in the beginning. Back before I went insane lmao.

But that happiness was short lived, because I kind of had a repeat of what happened when I was 12, only worse. Same pattern of reading some really good Zutara fics and some really bad ones. Zuko is sexually violent towards Katara. Zuko kidnaps Katara. Zuko rapes Katara. The author has some kind of technicality that makes it “not really rape/abuse” when that was clearly the intention. But this time, I was in a “community” with “friends” who promised me I mattered to them and that they cared about me. So I mentioned something about how disturbed I was to see things like this, naïvely thinking they’d understand where I was coming from.

And they…told me I was a bigot.

Yeah so. This was after I’d been sexually assaulted the first time. I also had this older creepy beta reader who I later realized had been sexually grooming me but that’s another story. Anyways! Point is I was in a bad state of mind, especially surrounding the topic of sexual violence, so it really hit me hard to have it used against me like that, made to feel crazy for having a problem with it, and dogpiled on for trying to explain myself and speak out.

Needless to say, I ended up feeling isolated, hurt, and confused by this. Much like I was back at age 12, so I relapsed into bad habits.

Honestly I’d been doing it before the breaking point, just more subtly. If you’ve creeped my AO3, you’ll see various flavors of “femdom” shit there. I like to call that my “I was being groomed lol” era. I had someone basically trying to convince me that male domination was “empowering” and that it was a sign of “maturity” for me to embrace it. Basically trying to convince me most/all women secretly desired it, resisting was a sign she wanted it deep down, I’d come around eventually, etc. Honestly I think this person just liked my writing and wanted me to pump out free fetish content for her, but it kind of backfired since it made me uncomfortable and I ended up just wanting to write femdom and Zuko rapefics because in that situation, it was the only outlet I had to express my hurt and discomfort at being bombarded with that disturbing kind of fic where Zuko is a rapist. I was subconsciously trying to reverse the narrative to escape the misogyny and the trauma I was suffering as a result.

Then after I got out of the grooming situation it just went off the rails from there. Stuff in my personal life was also getting worse so I just had this mass of stress and anger constantly running through my mind. It also really fucked with my sense of identity since the groomer/community I was in sort of left me with the impression that a woman’s role in society is to be objectified and abused and humiliated, and that she’s supposed to embrace it. I don’t think they necessarily intended it that way, but it left me with that impression because I saw so much content like that and barely anything representing women the way I wished to be perceived as a woman. It even made me feel alienated from other woman to the point I didn’t want to be a woman anymore (which is a feeling I’ve grappled with since puberty basically but that’s another story).

I don’t know which fic of mine you’re specifically referring to in which Zuko is raped in graphic detail, but I’m assuming it’s Dark Reflections because that’s probably the most graphic thing I’ve written. That’s the fic I started writing in the middle of that whole mess. It was very cathartic. I went with a female perpetrator against Zuko because it allowed me to fuck with the gender dynamics. A key plot point in that fic is also that Jun’s motivation partly stems from the fact that she mistakenly believes Zuko raped Katara so the idea of taking revenge against Zuko for being a rapist felt more direct. And of course, the reason why it’s so detailed and graphic and contains a lot of typical violent kink shit is because that was all the same shit I’d had thrown at me in the context of Zuko abusing Katara, so I just wanted to give it back to him if that makes sense. It brought me a morbid sense of comfort to see him be abused in the same way. I just have a catharsis generally about men suffering what they make women suffer. I know it’s fucked up, but it was a fucked up part of my life. And for the record I’m not trying to justify it or say it’s okay, I’m kinda of neutral on that tbh. Just acknowledging where my mind was and the fact that it’s a thing that I did.

For what it’s worth now, as I took the time to focus more on healing, I’ve felt less drawn to pure violence. I find myself wanting to write more about the thematic aspects of it and explore it that way. Even with Dark Reflections itself, the fic is incomplete and much longer than I originally intended it to be because I actually do want to go back and work through those themes and unpack what they mean for both the characters and the society they exist in. The more recent things I’ve written have been more along those lines too. Less graphic shocking violence, more philosophical as I pick my own brain and try to make sense of things.

Honestly writing this out helped me organize my brain a lot so idk hopefully it answered your question too.

And yes I know I’m sounding absolutely batshit but this is like my brain’s toxic sewer outlet valve. Believe it or not I am surprisingly normal in real life. I have a dog and big biceps and a cool rock collection and an office job with a nice view and everything. Anyways I’m passing out now. Night.

[starneteyam]

not you saying you won’t age up character or do smut yet write a sexual tension shit ☠️

PLEASE READ! (I think I speak for all authors when I say this)

Why are y’all so mad about the fact that I, a minor, don’t want to write smut about minors? It’s actually creepy and uncomfortable. Sexual tension means tension between two people that aren’t lovers yet but know they both want each other—the word “sexual” doesn’t always equal smut or lust. I can’t believe I even have to explain this. Saying this anonymously to complain about how I disagree to write smut about minors and trying to pin me as a hypocrite is so pathetic. I had three people calling me disgusting and a pedophile when I’ve never wrote smut nor anything leading up to it. I don’t care if a minor wants to write smut, you do you. Me, personally, I don’t want to. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s so weird when adults request minors aged up to request plots like smut and pregnancy. That’s why I don’t allow requesting aged up characters.

I was a fanfic author on Wattpad, @/honeyshoyo. My fanfics blew up and I got a lot of reads, but I had so many comments disrespecting my culture, my language, or hating in general, so I just quit writing.

I came onto tumblr because I wanted to start fresh away from Wattpad, seeing all the minifics and oneshots and amazing authors on here, but seeing these type of comments so early on into the start of this account is honestly concerning. Writing becomes not fun anymore when people on the internet who don’t even know me try to paint me as a pedophile or a hypocrite. It’s annoying and disgusting.

If you’re an author, I beg of you to repost this because I know damn well I’m not the only one EXHAUSTED of this unnecessary hate.

[revehae]

how do you handle criticism of people saying it’s weird and shit like that for noncon? just posted one of my firsts and people are not happy 💀

this is a good question and i will try to teach you my ways of not GAF 😭 even though that’s lowkey just who i am Lol so i cant help you become me… also i just run my mouth so theres a tl;dr at the bottom

when i first started out, at least on this blog anyway, i think the most major help was the fact that i had 2 friends who i was already exchanging these thoughts with on discord; they just weren’t in fic form. this was important because for a long time i felt very alone in my liking for dark content… having people around me who i knew had similar interests as me was key! it’s basically kind of like having a support system when you’re in a rough place. it’s important to know that you’re not the weird one out. there are people who understand you and relate to you. these are the people you are seeking out.

granted, it wasn’t my first time writing noncon and i had posted a couple of dubcon-leaning posts on my main blog, but this was me testing the waters. when i began posting on revehae instead, i initially didn’t disclose that i was also lisired. that’s why i go by nisha here and yani on lisired. so yeah, i was a bit pussy at first! but eventually i was like man idgaf.

in between where i started and where i am now, i’ve never been heavily affected by anon hate because i just simply do not care what strangers on the internet have to say. it’s not like they’re saying it to your face or that they would if they had the opportunity. MOST of these people aren’t even brave enough to come off anon. if you think about it, they’re the little bitches. i also have a strong sense of who i am, so i know that i don’t do anything with malicious attack. i literally don’t come for people unless them come for me first. i just match people’s energy. if you’re not hurting anyone i don’t really see what the problem is

nowadays, most of me not caring just comes from the fact that i know my blog is an oasis for many people. the number of people that enjoy my content outweighs the number of people who leave hate. this can seem useless if you’re just beginning to post and your following isn’t that big, but it’s kind of like how in real life there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for whatever reason. you can’t please everyone, so you have to be selective about who you give your energy to. i feed off of the endless love and support from my followers! even if it’s just one positive reblog or comment, make it count! if there’s likes, obviously someone is enjoying it. also it’s not like i’m the only person in the dark content community. my mutuals, even if they’re in different fandoms, love the same depraved shit as me. it’s always worth supporting other content creators because the odds are that they will support you back! 💖💖💖

tl;dr — there are people who will enjoy what you post and as long as you’ve covered all your bases (left proper warnings, used the read more link, made it so that if anyone consumes your content they did it by choice and not by force) you have absolutely nothing to worry about. AND COMMUNITY!!!! my mutuals are my ride-or-dies!

by the way im checking out the fic right now LET ME SEE…

[isshua]

Okay, something really, REALLY weird just happened to me in Genshin that I literally have never experienced before that is making me begin to question if my game is becoming self aware.

So I’m working on leveling up Xingqiu right? And I was fighting the Oceanid boss because I need the materials from the battle to ascend him. So I’m going through the motions right? I’m fighting the water animals, I’m healing, all the basic stuff. My main character for this boss is Razor because I take advantage of the electricity damage the water animals are given when the water in the arena gets electrified. The other character I rely on is Kaeya because naturally he can freeze the water animals. Usually I have no issues when I fight bosses, yeah my internet sucks but I’m usually fine when I fight boss battles, and my internet has never been bad enough to end a boss battle altogether.

But today, things were different. For some weird reason, I couldn’t switch between Razor and Kaeya like one usually does. Razor just simply refused to let me switch. And when I could switch to Kaeya, I’d go to press the button to use his burst and suddenly it would be Razor’s burst attack, like I accidentally touched Razor’s burst icon instead of Kaeya’s, when I know I didn’t.

This got so bad that the game literally fell apart on me. The entire Oceanid boss battle glitched and ended itself. Like one moment all of the water animals were surrounding me and the next moment it was like I never started the battle at all. Has this happened to any of you who see this? Am I just experiencing normal bad internet lag and glitches? Because this honestly freaked me out so much that I had to put the game down for a minute.

This could be me just being paranoid because I’ve been writing a lot of Messianic Aureation lately, but the writer part of my brain sees this as Razor wanting my attention to the point where him trying to be the only character I can play is causing my entire game to glitch out. Or it could be the Oceanid boss herself making the battle end because she’s tired of me beating the shit out of her whenever I need materials. I know it’s nothing and it’s just my internet, but can you imagine if it wasn’t?

[wisteria-cherry]

forty days and forty nights (day two!)

(so i’ve figured out that this is probably gonna be a decently long series? total slowburn. i’ll be writing oneshots by day, so like, every day he comes in i’ll be writing y’all’s interactions and we’ll see how it goes. happy reading :)

(read them all here!)

the same familiar jingle of the coffee shop door caused you to look up, somewhat more excitedly than usually, partly because it was a slow (the most exciting thing you’d done was brew a new pot of coffee about ten minutes ago), mundane sort of day at the coffee shop, and partly because you were secretly hoping dynamight would come back.

he did.

a familiar head of wild blond hair and a scowling face half-hidden by a scarf trudged up to the counter.

“medium black coffee.” he stated, not bothering to make it sound like a request.

“coming right up. for dynamight?” you question.

“yeah.”

“alright, it’ll just be a couple minutes.” you smile. dynamight didn’t reply, only plopped himself down on a barstool. was it the same one as yesterday, you wondered? given that he came in at the same time he did yesterday, you imagined it was likely. he seemed like the sort of guy who likes routine.

you slide dynamight his coffee with another sweet smile.

“another tiring day?” you ask, organizing the pastry display next to the countertop.

“yeah. fuckin’ sidekicks dunno how to do shit these days. one of ‘em’s slow as fuck, another one can’t do shit without getting told fifteen times...” the way he said it made him seem old. the internet told you he was your age, though.

“how’d they do back in your day?” you tease.

“tch! fuck off.” dynamight rolled his eyes. “you’re young, too. don’t act like you’re older than me.”

“i am older than you.” you retort. dynamight choked on his coffee and you instantly feel bad for saying that. “are you okay??”

“i’m fine.” dynamight coughed before calming down. “there’s no way in hell you’re older than me, that’s all.”

“only by a couple months.” you shrug.

“why do you know my birthday, you weird fuck?” dynamight nearly bared his teeth.

“well,” you begin, your cheeks heating up, already embarrassed to be admitting to your late night endeavors, “you seem surprised that i didn’t know who you were yesterday. so i searched you up.” you already knew your cheeks were splotched with pink as dynamight narrowed his eyes.

“so you’re pretty famous, then. it’s no wonder you were surprised i didn’t know who you are.” you attempt to make conversation that diverted his attention from your potentially creepy habits.

“yeah, i’m the number one hero in japan.” he grunted in reply, taking another sip of his coffee.

“that’s incredible. thank you for what you do.” another smile. your mouth would probably hurt by the time he was gone, but you didn’t mind.

“it’s nothin’.”

“it’s more than nothing. you’re the best out of hundreds, maybe thousands of heroes in japan. that’s no small feat.” you reply earnestly. “so why did you become a hero?” dynamight was silent for a moment, before answering.

“you know all might?”

“of course i do. who doesn’t?” dynamight seemed irked at this.

“i don’t know, maybe ‘cuz you live under a fuckin’ rock?” he snapped back.

“sorry,” you smile (again) apologetically. “but to be fair, we all grew up knowing all might as number one. you haven’t exactly been number one for as long as him.”

“yeah, whatever.” he spat. “i’m still the best. and i’ll be better than him.”

“is that why you’re a hero?” you ask curiously.

“yeah. i’m gonna beat all might and beat deku.”

“deku? the number two hero?” you tilt your head.

“yes, the number two hero.” dynamight grumbled.

“you have a rivalry with him or something, right?” you ask, trying to recall the particular interview where dynamight scowled at the mention of deku, similarly to what he was doing now.

“or something.” he muttered.

“that must be fun.” you laugh lightly. dynamight rolled his eyes.

“can’t stand him. just like i can’t stand any of those other extras.”

“extras?” you repeat. you’d heard him use the term before, in the interviews.

“yeah, extras.”

“why are they extras?” you ask curiously. dynamight scoffed.

“because they don’t matter.”

“oh, i see.” although you’re tempted to get into a debate about morals, personal philosophy, etc, you were technically still working, so, no arguments.

not that you would have time for one, anyway, because dynamight stood up and set his mug down, finished. he gave a brief nod of acknowledgement.

“later.” he grunted before lumbering out, the little bell still chiming merrily.

“it’s more than nothing. you’re the best out of hundreds, maybe thousands of heroes in japan. that’s no small feat.”

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(feel free to comment + leave ur thoughts :)