#I’ve never felt so seen in terms of my neurodivergence

[the-river-rix]

This show changed my life

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

One Six Zero

Jonah knew what he'd chosen to do.

He also knew he hadn't been chosen.

Spoilers to MAG 160. It's my 160th fic, after all.

AO3

---------------------

2018, 18th October

Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to make sure you started reading, so I thought it best not to announce myself. 

For a moment, it is my voice, coming from his lips.

I’m assuming you’re alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. I wouldn’t try too hard to stop reading; there’s every likelihood you’ll just hurt yourself. So just listen. 

Of course, like all the good advice I’ve given him over the years, he doesn’t listen.

Jon. Jon, Jon, Jon… why do you resist?

You were born for this.

Born for it, even more than I—I chose my god, and though I have teased you about making your own choices, I know the difference. I chose. You were chosen. 

Statement of Jonah Magnus regarding Jonathan Sims, The Archivist. 

My name on his lips… my true, real name. Ah!

Ah.

I grip the arms of my seat, here in the Panopticon, in this dessicated but indwelt temple. Jon. You could have been here with me, were you more wise; I, of course, will still receive the Watcher’s Crown, but that is beside the point.

It will be so much harder for you out there, in the world that we have made.

Why does a man seek to destroy the world? 

I didn’t lie. No. Not here, not in my moment of triumph. Yet hearing these words— for immortality and power, to ensure your own happiness —sobers me a bit. Yes, yes, I shall be king of a ruined world, and yes, yes, I shall never die, and those are key.

But those aren’t truly the reason, are they?

Deep down, Jon, Jon, I know you understand me. I know you feel my rage, though you do not know it is mine for it echoes yours too well. Why does a man seek to destroy the world, Jon?

Because it hates him, and so he must hate it back.

I believe there are far more people in this world that would take that bargain than you would ever guess. And I have beaten all of them. 

The truth comes out there, I suppose. I beat them because they deserved it. Because they hated me; because many still would, if they knew the body I’d taken, knew this sex was not mine by birth, as if any of them have the right to judge me. Ignorant, infantile, puerile little creatures, slithering through their days with puny fears and cheap desires, never knowing the true glory of being seen, never understanding how good it is to know.

To know everything. Every thought, every emotion. Every hidden little secret, tucked away in the nooks and crannies of the wretched human spirit.

I’ll not bore you with details of my bodies and failures through those intervening years. Suffice to say I kept busy, both planning my own next attempt, and doing my best to stymie those others who tried versions of their own. 

How he wonders! I see him through borrowed eyes, listen to his voice—to your voice, Jon, a voice I have always liked—and again, I wish you could have been here at the end of it all.

Such a fool. A delightful, easily-led fool.

I know you were confused. My dear Jon, so neurodivergent —a term relatively new, but meaning the same thing as changeling, really. You felt things when you talked to me. You felt our singularity—and yes, I use that word correctly—for we are that point at which change becomes uncontrollable and irreversible, affecting all of civilization. 

You felt it when we spoke, away from Daisy or Basira or Tim. Felt that small and quiet place where only you and I stood, and only you and I shared experience, you and I traded feelings. Where only you and I speak this particular language. Not everyone can be a true cleric for the Eye; it is a dumb master, but both keen and gloriously cruel.

And it chose you. It chose you, over me.

For this… that’s all right. I don’t have to be marked by them all. You do.

The only way to ensure I did not suffer the tribulations of what I believed to be an inevitable transformation was to bring it about myself. So what began as an experiment soon became a race. 

I didn’t have to be terrorized by everybody. I didn’t have to be seen by every firebug and fortuneteller. But you did, didn’t you? It will be worth it. I will receive my crown, and see all; you will be… the conduit, and everyone will see you in their dreams.

Jon. Jon. Jon. If you had been here, you could have watched, too, with me.

You are a living chronicle of terror. 

I have no pity left to give you. The world stripped mine before menarche.

I watch you in my place of power. Watch you trembling, shaking; sweating heavily, rocking back and forth as if to physically hurl yourself away from the statement in your hands, but your face, Jon… your face! Eyes dilated and unblinking, lips pulled back as if in lust, dark cheeks flushed, hair (still too long for office-work, but I never gave you trouble over it) sticking to your forehead.

Jon. You are beautiful. In the way a strange, mutated frog is beautiful: unique, precious, and meant to be dissected.

I would have done, if you’d been with me here. You would have loved it here. Exposed, revealed to the Eye in ways you could never yet dream.

Oh, well. You preferred good cows.

For all your glory… your beauty, your foolish weirdness, your stubborn loveliness… you’ve made your choice, and so have I.

(And so has the Eye, but we will not think about that now.)

But it left me a gift: for sat in that watchtower, I could see everything I turned my mind to. 

Martin is coming. I see him, Jon; he’s smiling at the sky, and he’s taking pictures of cows on his phone for you. He loves you, you know. With all your flaws.

I comprehend him because I’ve observed him, but I don’t really understand. If you were mine, I’d burn those flaws away. But no, not him, not bumbling deceitful Martin, who smiles his way into your heart and has every intention of putting up with all your—

You are prepared. 

It’s time!

You are ready. 

Yes! Yes! My heart leaps! My own eyes fill, and tingles of raw adrenaline race through my every limb!

You are marked. The power of the Ceaseless Watcher flows through you, and the time of our victory is here. 

I laugh (or sob), with no one to witness, the echoes dying with only the Eye to see.

Don’t worry, John. You’ll get used to it here, in the world that we have made. 

Yes! Jon, it’s time! It’s time! Don’t you see? This will be so beautiful!

Now. Repeat after me. 

I raise my face to the darkness of my tower, my seat rising, the tower shaking, the Panopticon wrenching through the soil of central London like a phallus through virgin flesh, and the irony of this tears more laughter from me even as I expand, change, stretch, rise into the air, and it all

Come to us in your wholeness. 

floods

Come to us in your perfection. 

tears

Bring all that is fear and all that is terror and all that is the awful dread that crawls and chokes 

not the crown, I

and blinds and falls and twists and leaves and hides and weaves and burns 

Jon, it’s not the Crown, it

and hunts and rips and bleeds and dies! 

I am become the Pupil of the Eye and I am lost.

Come to us. I… OPEN… THE DOOR! 

And I think

(Barely, my thoughts rise as I rise with my tower and together we pierce the world) 

I think

this

Crown was

(Jon is screaming, and he does not see how beautiful he is with the crown atop his head) 

meant for…

(Jon) 

for you.

Jon!

The world changes, rips, spills its guts into the water of reality and muddies it, impossible to ever be made clean again. I rise. I see. All.

Bliss. Floating. Smearing. All things, every heart, every fear. All of it, too much.

Jon… you should have…

(he is still still screaming) 

Come to me. You still can.

(chosen he was chosen this was meant for him)

I wish you could come to me. We are meant to torment one another for all time. We—

(the crown magnificent and terrible and shining with the light of his new eyes) 

You will come to me.

Look at the sky, Martin. Look at the sky. It’s looking back. 

I am looking back. Jon. I wait for you in the heart of the new world we have made. I wait.

Together, we will see it all.

[taikk0]

Happy 4th Anniversary RotTMNT!!!

( P.S. JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO CHANGE LEOS HAT FROM 5 TO 4 BECAUSE I CANT DO MATH IM SO SORRY LETS JUST PRETEND HE EITHER CANT DO MATH EITHER AND GOT THE WRONG NUMBER OR HE STOLE THAT HAT FROM A 5 OLDS BIRTHDAY PARTY AT ALBEARTOS)

ANYWAYS!

Thank You RotTMNT For Merely Existing! Gushy Ramble Under The Cut!

Can’t believe its been 4 years since these turtles graced my TV screen at the ripe age of 11. 

Coming across Rise for the first time felt magical. I've never seen anything like it before, or at least, not on an animated series on TV. The quality of the animation, the art style, the new cast voicing the turtles I grew up with, the new interpretation, sure it was different but it was just the coolest thing ever to me at the time.

I didn't have access to the internet or social media at the time, so my love for this show was pure and unconditional.

Rise completely changed my view on what animation as a medium could do, especially for a serial TV show. It inspired me to keep working harder, both in terms of its writing style and its visual presentation. Sure I wasn't very good at it, but it set an example for me. Especially at the time when I was so engrossed in wanting to make my own animated TV series with my own original characters.

Outside of inspiration, it was also a source of comfort. The turtles felt like my friends, and their adventures were always so entertaining that I imagined myself being there alongside them. I knew that they were always there when I was having a bad day, I'd just turn on the TV, hope Rise was on, and let all my problems fade away.

As a queer and neurodivergent kid who always felt isolated and out of place, The turtles helped me feel less alone. I knew they wouldn't judge me for being weird or different because they were weird and different in their own ways too.

Sure you could point out the fact that it was because they were mutated turtles to be the weird trait, but to me, it felt more about what was on the inside.

The world will see mutants first, and beings with thoughts and feelings second.

Yet even after society shuns you, endangering you for what you are,

You will find joy and solace with your kin.

Blood-related or not.

Mutant or Human.

"あなたは一人じゃない"

I’m 15 now and even after all these years, my love for this show hasn’t budged a single bit.

Thank You RotTMNT, For Everything.

[neurospicy]

hi! feel free not to answer this if you don’t want to, but i just saw your post about college being a test of executive function. i’m a grad student who is currently TAing and will probably be solo teaching in the near future, and your experiences definitely resonate with what i’ve seen happening with some of my students. i’m invested in making higher ed more accessible and i’m wondering if you have any ideas for (or experiences with) things that would make it easier for you to work outside of class? obviously i know that these would be at best bandaids without structural changes to how school (especially college) works, i’m just thinking about how i can do the least harm in the short term. thank you!

I'm actually just now seeing this, so I hope it hasn't been sitting here too long! The first thing I want to say is thank you so much for caring about your students enough to seek out answers and understanding. I promise you it means so much to your students, and teachers and professors who care really do make all the difference. In terms of tangible things that helped me a lot, in high school, I ended up graduating from an "alternative school" due to some behavioral issues as well as academic issues with traditional schooling. I actually really excelled in the alternative school because the way it was structured made a HUGE difference.

Some things that made the biggest difference for me were:

They didn't run the same hours as a traditional school. Rather, they went from noon until 5pm. A lot of neurodivergent people have sleep differences as well. Many of us find it difficult to fall asleep at a "normal" hour or to wake up early even if we do manage getting to bed early--our internal clocks aren't always socially acceptable, so on top of executive dysfunction, many of us are chronically sleep deprived and exhausted. This schedule allowed me to actually get enough sleep.

There were no attendance requirements. You could choose not to come, you could come late, or you could leave early. You could even sign yourself out for a couple hours and come back to finish out the day. On days that I felt burnt out or my executive functioning was especially low to the point that I couldn't get myself to show up, it didn't count against me. If I couldn't get up and ready early enough to get there at the beginning of the day, it didn't matter. If I burnt out in the middle of the day, I could just leave. It prevented me from falling into what I describe as energy debt, where you keep pushing past burnout until it compounds on itself.

And the one that was the biggest thing for me was that there was absolutely no homework that had to be taken home. None. We put our work up at the end of the day and picked up where we left off the next day. This was the thing that always hurt me the most academically, and it hurt me all over again in college. I had less difficulty getting into "work mode" when I was physically in the classroom, but at home I couldn't make myself pull out my backpack, start up my laptop, log into the college website, then start the assignment itself. For some reason there was always this invisible barrier in my brain that would not allow it to happen. I got A's on my tests easily, but it didn't matter because the incomplete homework was too much to make up for.

Another thing I want to mention is that ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergencies tend to exist on a spectrum--it's a cluster of traits that can be sort of mix and match in terms of intensity and how they impact an individual. While I did have a hard time getting to classes in college on time, I didn't have that much of a problem being there in general. Some neurodivergent people find it immensely difficult to sit in a classroom due to sensory issues, social anxiety, the distraction of other people being around, etc. I on the other hand HAD to take classes in person because I could never make myself log on for online classes--I actually got talked (tricked) into taking one by my counselor one semester and I literally didn't log on a single time. I just couldn't make myself, and it just became a huge source of stress and anxiety that spilled into my performance in other classes. All of that being said, the best thing to do is to ask those students that you see these struggles in what kind of things they think would help them. They might not know and it might take some suggestions or question asking on your part to identify where their particular struggles lie. I hope this helps a little bit!

[knickpnackattack]

Demisexuality and Being Seen in Dimension 20 A Court of Fey and Flowers

Y’all, what an episode right? I’ve been reflecting a lot on why of all actual-play romances, Rue/Hob would be the one that hits so fucking deep in my heart in a genre (regency, let alone the broad one of romance) that I don’t care for. This got really long, but if you’re into that sort of thing enjoy some reflection on sexuality and some DnD.

So... I guess I get into it? Thanks to ye old days of 2010 Tumblr I’ve known I was asexual/romantic for more then a decade. Comfortably so until I got to know a lady well and PANICED that maybe I was actually just a lesbian. Identity crisis galore that has come around to leaning into queer and embracing my own brand of demi. Now I have an even older friend that over distance, miscommunication, and opportunity are stumbling into something that only reinforces my identity. 

Being demisexual to me does not me a slow build up, a sudden jump from friends to romantic attraction. To be honest, I still say ace because I’m not even sure if I what I feel isn’t just friendship+/qpa. Being demi is also looking across a room at a person and feeling as though you are looking into a mirror that has never once been at the right angle with good lighting at the same time. It springs a leak that you can only plug for moments at a time before it springs a million other leaks (enjoy a specific song about coming to terms with being poly). The knowing itself usual takes a while, but it sure as hell doesn’t have to.

I’ve always said I don’t like romance plots because I don’t see myself in them. Then comes along a bugbear and owl bear... I know Andherra’s right there (oh god to I love them and Omar) but there is something deeply neurodivergent and demi about Rue and Hob that claws at my heart.

Rue has Wuvvy, an amazingly close friend who cares for them deeply but Rue over millennia has found no one to whom they felt they could be there true self with. Rue, who seems to never once took interest in romance, or love, or life-long partners. They could have had one in an instant with their glamor, one with boundaries or another court so their true form never needed revealed. Instead they lived for pride and their job and other people’s joy (oh god to I feel this).

Hob who seems to long for something but knows that the Goblin Court could never be the ones to grant it to him. Hob who doesn’t understand the cues that others send, the cultural distance between the Goblins and other courts despite his efforts to understand any of them. Hob who despite this saw only a sign of affection he couldn’t describe but he needed closer so he ate a flower (yeah, I’m one of those demi’s who mostly wants snuggles and to drag people close to me).

Rue and Hob knew each other so suddenly with barely a word spoken in the woods during the Hart Hunt that I clocked something in myself. In the watching someone be free of your chains but so deeply bound in their own that you yourself are free of. To lack words to label what you finally see and write to yourself, your friends, and people who lack your best interest purely in an attempt to understand something you only just now know. To refuse it access to your hear because it’s against you’re identity (I SWORE I was ace and finally had a panicked conversation with friends about what it FEELS LIKE to have a crush and to come to terms with identity before I even opened myself up to analyzing it because I couldn’t contain it). Burning the letter, the duel, every moment Hob has considered a motion towards Rue but the fear of what that means for his place, even one of immense discomfort, and Rue’s inability to look at Hob for fear of the strength of the bottle he pushed things into.

Episode 7 - The Masquerade was... I can only think of sad metaphors knowing what we learned about Andhera so ignore that Rue really looked at Hob and shook him hard. Yes! There are feelings there about what your court is doing to you/using you for! Not even feelings about them, just that Hob deserves support to examine any and all feelings he has. I literally had friends do this to me to get me to understand my current person. Hob and Rue not knowing the weight behind the items that they have been given but both finding ways to hide them in their outfits for the ball, literally themed around hiding parts of yourself and yet they chose to hide a part of someone else with them to. And despite being on terms in which their last interaction was Rue potentially shattering Hob’s world, his first instinct was to look for the one person he knew was like him in some reflection and to protect them at all cost. Then for a dance card and stumbling words to be the quietest admittance that they see the honor in one another and the lack of being seen by their own courts. It is the same looking in someone’s eye who is also demi/ace and saying ‘I see you and your boundaries and now you can see where I stand’ only for them to turn around and do the same.

I too would want to eat a piece of paper that says ‘I see all this in you’.

Any who, this got all sorts of rambly but um, yeah I guess Rue/Hob is me crying over feeling represented the the process of being demisexual/romantic and not just experiencing it but the painful up and downs, confidences that help and hinder, fears and hopes, of coming to terms with those rare but oh so precious diamonds of finding someone to connect with.

[no-gays-in-russia]

Why you should watch Young Royals

Introduction: Young Royals is a Swedish teen drama that was released by Netflix earlier this July; it consists of a season of six episodes, all about an hour each. It talks about Wilhelm, prince of Sweden, who gets sent to the fancy Hillerska boarding school after getting involved in a scandal; there he meets a hottie named Simon and let me tell you, things get really spicy from then on. Long story short: this show is a masterpiece and if you haven’t watched it already this is your sign to go and binge it. Immediately.

Reason number 1: we need a second season. So, as of now the show only has one season and there hasn’t been any talk of further seasons yet; clearly, Netflix will renew the show only if they realize that a lot of people like it and it will therefore be profitable to release more seasons, so if many people watch the show. Now, I’m not saying the show needs a second season exclusively because I loved it and want to watch more of it- I believe the show would be enriched by a second season. Now, at first I was really disappointed by the ending and that’s why I was hoping it actually wasn’t the end, but I’ve now realized that it’s actually quite a positive and satisfying ending: it marks the highest point of Wilhelm’s character development and gives a lot of hope for the future. But there is still a lot to discuss and explore, expecially in regards to Wilhelm furtherly coming to terms with his sexuality, confronting his mother about it, adapting to his new status etc. That is why a second season would add a lot to the show, and one of the main reasons why as many people as possible should watch it.

Reason number 2: teenagers who look like teenagers. A big issue I have with most teen dramas is that a lot of the time these characters that are supposed to be teenagers 1. look several years older than they should and 2. look like flawless supermodels. I remember always thinking there was something wrong with me because I looked so much younger and so much “uglier” than these “teenagers” I saw on tv- it made it hard for me to relate to them and hurt my self esteem terribly. But the beautiful thing about Young Royals is that this is not an issue- the actors all look their characters’ age and they look like actual, realistic teenagers. They don’t always have their make-up perfectly done or have perfect hair. Essentially no one is conventionally attractive (good-looking, yes- but not the super hot super model type).

Reason number 3: teenagers who act like teenagers. Another issue with teen dramas I have is that it seems the writers’ conception of teenage activities is just drugs, alcohol and sex. Sure, many teenagers actually do those things, but I always found the way these shows highlight them excessive and unrealistic. As someone who doesn’t do any of these things (and actually feels repulsed by them), it was always very alienating- again, I wasn’t able to relate to the characters and I felt like something was wrong with me for not acting like these teenagers. The quantity of drugs, sex, alcohol in these shows was always so much that at some point I felt overwhelmed by it and had to stop watching them, and I thought the same was going to happen with Young Royals- but it didn’t. The teenagers in Young Royals drink, do drugs, have sex, but it never feels excessive and unrealistic: I watch it, I think “Oh yeah, my classmates do that”, I recognise it as realistic, it doesn’t feel overwhelming, and there are characters who don’t do that stuff as much and that I can relate to.

Reason number 4: it’s delicate. As an easily impressionable person something that I love about Young Royals is that it’s almost never excessive, it never goes too far; for example, I was afraid that the amount of homophobia in the show would be too much and too triggering for me, but it wasn’t the case- there is homophobia, but it’s never overwhelming. And there was really only a scene or two in the whole show that made me so uncomfortable I had to turn my head. But unlike a lot of shows these days, it’s actually pretty delicate and moderate.

Reason number 5: a beautiful love story. Simon and Wilhelm are definitely one of the best couples I’ve seen on tv in a while. They are such a good representation of teenage love- passionate and hungry, but also sweet and naive and tender and shy. Everything about their relationship, from the first to the final episode, is completely realistic, beautiful but never eccessively romanticized, delicate and honest. You can just feel the love they have for each other through the screen- it’s heart warming.

Reason number 6: the characters. All of the characters appear as people that you might actually meet in real life. They are realistic and they are never caricatures- always complex, multi-dimensional, difficult to put in a box. Simon is selfless but also stands up to himself. Wilhelm is rebellious and brave but also anxious and submissive. Felice isn’t at all as snobby as she seems, August is a pain in the butt but as the story unfolds we almost end up feeling bad for him. And Sara- I’m not even going to talk about her, I don’t know what to say, she’s my favourite character, I love her to pieces and I LOVE that there is a neurodivergent character. And finally, each character’s character development is natural yet clearly recognisable- perfect, perfect, perfect.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Have you ever felt like you were faking being neurodivergent? Past year I’ve been in the process of being tested. Before this and I began my own research about it, and from what my family has said, it’s almost definite that I’m not neurotypical. But my current psychologist/psychiatrist don’t seem to believe me. They’ve both pushed back testing and they’d told me my issues are solely from childhood trauma. When I mention I showed signs since I was a toddler or how during my childhood my teachers wanted me tested, they brush me off. My psychiatrist acts like I’m a pill junkie and my psychologist downplays my symptoms by using the term autistic features, and how I’m not truly autistic. I don’t want to be disabled, but I believe there’s always been something different about me that isn’t explained by my childhood experiences. I’m really scared I’m being seen as a hypochondriac, especially since I’m well versed with learning disabilities.

I know how you feel.

Especially when I started embracing my symptoms - stimming, high empathy, less spoons for socializing - I started wondering if I was just copying some of the symptoms because I knew so much about autism. My mom even asked me once if I was stimming on purpose or not.

However, over time, I’ve realized that mental illness is hard to fake, whether you are “pretending” to have it or you are masking for the public’s benefit. Whether you know much about it or not, it’s difficult to fake symptoms. Take one look at TikTok and you’ll see loads of videos of people trying to convince people they have something for clout, only to get shot down by people who have half a brain.

The reason it’s so difficult is because most autism symptoms are either very specific or need to have a certain context. For example, someone can hate loud noises and be neurotypical, but if someone cries and covers their ears every time a balloon pops, something may be amiss. Someone may play with their hair or fidget when they are nervous or giddy and be clear in the eyes of a psychologist, but if someone is spinning, biting, hugging themselves, or rocking back and forth to bleed off emotion or to express despair, then something else may be going on.

However, when someone with autism sees symptoms and relates to them, that’s different. They already have the context, but they just didn’t know to what yet. To be fair, it may not be correct - a lot of things overlap - but it’s certainly a start if you’re trying to get a diagnosis…and doctors/psychologists should respect that. They only see you, at most, a few times a year. They don’t know everything about you, and they certainly don’t know your day to day life the way you do.

And if you’ve had these symptoms since you were a child, before whatever trauma you went through, that should be an indication that your concerns should be looked into. I hate that this isn’t being taken seriously, especially because you have been dealing with the symptoms for so long - which, I’m sure, have been exacerbated by the childhood trauma.

As for being disabled, I get it. When I was young and before I was told about my diagnosis, I wanted answers any way I could get them. I didn’t want to be disabled. I didn’t want attention or clout or whatever. I just wanted to know why I could never hold a conversation for more than three seconds and I cried every day. Why I preferred hanging out in the teacher’s lounge instead of playing with kids my own age. Why everyone thought I was weird.

When I finally got that answer, it was a huge weight of my chest, but I still had a lot of questions - and I’m sure you do too. There are some things that the internet can’t explain or help. If you ever need a question answered, feel free to DM me or drop an ask in my inbox.

Keep me updated on your diagnosis process, and I hope everything goes well!

[monsterqueers]

Nonhuman Still A Decade Later - An Essay

So ive been identifying as a therian for around decade now, and otherkin and fictionkin about 6-ish(7?). I never made huge amounts of insightful posts, and I don't have any hot takes to add to other people’s. My internet presence is largely a fandom one with a side of social justice things, and thus even if I did have something I felt worth saying on the topic beyond yet another awakening story or an explanation of my past lives and whathaveyou, the viewership would be small and those who might find worth in the post wouldn’t see it.

I am no greymuzzle, no queer elder, no ‘fandom old’, I was 12-ish and heard ‘therian’ on a furry podcast and went ‘oh, thats the word for how I am. Everything makes sense now’ and proceeded to lurk mostly thereafter. I don't have all that much wisdom, im just vibing over here. But, I can talk about what its like, ten years later.

'Growing Out Of It'

I mean, you might. You might realize you aren’t a wolf, or a angel, or a pikachu or whatever. You might work through your misanthropy and gender dysphoria and trauma and internalized woes and fraught teenage experiences and come out the other side finding you aren’t these things. There's no shame in that, and it does happen.

These no shame in having a past life that you used to ID strongly as, but don't anymore, or you find you were a different kintype than you thought, or that you were human all along, even years later.

You could still ID as the thing but its not as bright anymore- but rather how humans view being human; barely of note most of the time. You may go from shifting every day heavily to being slightly shifted at all times and spiking rarely.

BUT

But, not only does that not make your experience in-the-moment any less real, but it also could just never happen. You might never have how you identify fade or change.

It might sound scary, it might be scary in the moment, even, but there is nothing truly to fear from change like this, nor from discovering what you are, really. It is a new evolution of you. It may be sad, to say goodbye to a label you've had for so long, that helped you find friends, or got you through tough times, but it doesn’t fit anymore. Marie Kondo has the right of it- thank that label, that community, that identity, and move to what does fit- what helps you.

It might also sound scary, that you will be a nonhuman thing in a meatsuit that doesn't fit until you die, that you might not ever grow out of the uncontrolled shifting and the aching dysphoria and homesickness for places you have never been. And maybe it will never go away, but it will get easier. You will find coping methods, supportive people, have access to resources and help. Eventually, these things hurt less. You get used to it. You settle into your skin, even if it isnt the right one, its still yours.

Cringe

At this point, I am immune to cringe. You will get there too, probably. Im a plural, nonhuman, neurodivergent, furry, fictionkind, genderqueer and regular queer magic-using, anime-watching, kinky fandom freak of a pagan and im living my best life. I wear a collar in public every day. My face mask has a cat face on it and I plan to get more just like it. Im going to be adding a tail and claw gauntlets to my itinerary of everyday wear once I get something properly washable. At some point you just stop caring as much about how others perceive you. So what if what you do is embarrassing and weird? It makes you happy, right? You aren't going to get hurt wearing it? Then go for it! You have nothing to lose but your shame. People will try to shame you, that is true, but as time goes on, you will find you give less of a shit about if people laugh or stare. You can bottle it up, or you can be free. Just be sure to be safe.

The Disk Horse

Once you’ve been here awhile, drama becomes the same cycles- the same drama llama, different day. You’ve already seen that argument, years ago. You’ve read that thread, you were there for that community debate that settled how the forum would do things. You’ve seen the same types of trolls, the same bad actors pop up. It gets old, after awhile.

Maybe you used to have the energy to debate and discuss and keep up with all of that, but you probably don’t now. Or if you do, its simply to inform and lurk and not to debate anymore.

Your love of debate will fade when you have the same one every six months for ten years. Trust me.

Dunking on trolls and rude assholes and debating with KFFs and anti-kin and having intra-community fistfights is going to lose its shine, especially when you look back at the posts years from now and see how many hours you wasted typing at people who aren’t going to listen to facts and certainly wont listen to you.

Daily Life

Its- normal. I am a dragon, I am a cat, I am living life.

Personally, I have some past lives I no longer identify as that I used to- even though the past life is still there. I have kintypes i've since learned I had kinfeels of only because of other identity relations (paratypes, I believe the new word is called). I used to shift often, I don't much anymore, its a low-grade 20% all the time. Since figuring out and coming to terms with our plurality, some kinfeels were found to belong to people who are not me. We have access to buying things that alleviate dysphoria, we no longer have the horrible emotional state we had in high school that exacerbated nonhuman difficulties.

Life is good, strangely enough. And I am still a cat and a dragon in a human meatsuit (with some other folks in here with me!), and that is just how I like it.

All and all- whats being nonhuman like after ten years of having the same label? Normal. It feels comfortable. Like living. I have always been these things, and I very likely will always feel this way. I no longer feel shame for doing things I used to be scolded for, I no longer feel quite so discontent with my physical form, I feel whole (ironically, being many people in one body).

Its just...Living, but as a nonhuman. There isn't much more to say.

[pawlmtree]

Hello! I'm sorry if I sound a little lost but could you explain xenogenders a lil? The only contact I had w/ the concept was Twitter and it was just people saying it's "cishet people wanting cookie points", so I feel really troubled and don't really know the origin. Seeing someone as nice as you use them/have interest gave me a new perspective but I'm still kinda lost. Sorry if I'm bothering asking, have a nice day (,,• •,,)

sure!! here’s some information from a site about xenogenders

Xenogender isn't defined in relation to "female" or "male" (the binary genders), but by other kinds of ideas that most people don't think of as having to do with gender. When people talk about nonbinary gender, they often find that there aren't any words for their experiences. This is called an explanatory gap. In order to fill an explanatory gap, this wiki and nonbinary.wiki takes up "xenogender" as an umbrella term for an entire category of nonbinary genders that are defined by characteristics with no relation whatsoever to "female" or "male."

Because a gender binary society doesn't give much in the way of roles or descriptions for nonbinary genders, some transgender and gender nonconforming people address the challenge of describing their gender identities by creative methods, referring to concepts that aren't usually seen as related to gender. This has been observed in very young nonbinary people:

"Not all children fit neatly into a male or female gender identity, trans or otherwise. For some children, the sense of being 'both' or 'neither' best describes their reality. [...] Children who see themselves as 'neither' will often speak of how regardless of whether they're with a group of boys or girls, they feel like they don’t fit. This is not necessarily a sad feeling. They just see the kids around them and know that they are not 'that.' Kids in this category often appear androgynous, and will frequently answer the question 'are you a boy or a girl' by saying their name ('I'm Devon') or by identifying themselves as animals. When asked to draw self portraits, they will portray themselves as rainbows, or unicorns, or another symbol of their choosing."

- "Frequently Asked Questions," GenderSpectrum.org [1]

and i like that they used a quote from genderspectrum bc I've gone there twice :)  its an event for trans people and allies and its really awesome. anyway i will give my own explanation now too!

neurodivergency makes it hard to understand and define gender sometimes and for me i have never had a very solid understanding of gender so since i was 13 i have been using different gender labels (nonbinary, demigirl/demiboy, trans male, etc) and for the longest i’ve been “trans male”  however i don’t really know what it means to be “male” nor do i know if its thee right term for me! but after reading this thread  on liongender it really resonated with me and felt fitting to me and i feel comfortable with it because it feels...so me!? and it makes me happy and confident in myself! and that's what matters. trans/nonbinary/xenogender people don’t use labels to make others comfortable, we do it to be our truest selves! even if you can’t understand, that’s ok! you just need to be respectful because i am just doing what makes me happy :) and also, i still go by he/him! the reason i identified as trans male for so long is that i want cis people to perceive me and treat me as “male” (he/him pronouns, “male” words and labels etc) ! I've also been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and i’ve been on testosterone for almost 4 months now, and i’ve been really happy and excited with the changes..! i want to have a deep voice so im waiting on that lol..but i have a little mustache and my face is shaped differently and my hair is getting longer and i feel awesome. if you have any other questions let me know!

[feckin-zicons]

that's why i hate larries, i hate them with all my heart. besides being boring they are hypocrites 🙄

Hey nonnie, sorry its taken me so long to reply but if you’re following me you know I’ve been travelling lately and have been more scatterbrained than usual. Not that I’m ever not scatterbrained, but its been just a little crazier than usual!

Now I wouldn’t go as far to say I hate Larries. After all their delusions can be pretty funny sometimes!

Joking aside, I don’t hate Larries, I love Larries, I’m a Larry, so I really hesitate to tarry the whole group with the same brush. However I do strongly agree with you that there are those who are complete hypocrites. Nothing annoys more more than when Larries ™ treat the other boys, other celebrities, their friends and even family as one more side character to the Larry Show.

In particular when Larries ™ flood comment sections asking or in some cases, ordering people to confirm rumors/the couple being together. The absolute fucking disrespect. Not just because they’re flooding comment sections in videos streams, tweets, what have you, that sometimes have nothing to do with the couple in question, but because its presumptuous and rude as fuck to think they’re owed a coming out- just because they’re fans of the boys.

Stop it. Thats fucking ugly as hell.

While I have no doubt all the boys will one day be out (as referenced by their continued efforts in fighting the closet. I don’t get the sense the boys will just stop at being freed from their contractual obligations). It should and will be on their own terms. Provided they’re not forcibly outed some other way.

Coming out is a deeply personal experience and no one, no one ever, has the right to out someone else. I’ll never not be absolutely furious at the Larries ™ who posted about having ‘receipts’ that would out the boys. Which… tbh weren’t receipts at all but thats a whole other story. I’m also still angry at the reactions after Liams Attitude spread that wouldn’t have been as bad if not for the entitled fandom that peddled ridiculous claims beforehand about Liam confirming Larry to be real.

I mean… What the actual fuck. Setting aside the fandom experience of the time, and boy was it an experience. What right would Liam have confirming Louis and Harry’s relationship? I mean, get some perspective? It doesn’t help that a lot of fandom adults were the ones coming up with, and reblogging those theories and the younger fans ate it up. It would have made more sense for Louis and Harry to do it but idk maybe I’m still out of touch for thinking so. I mean, it felt like every other week someone was talking about Larry coming out. It was such a shit storm oh my god.

Biggest issue I still have with them is that the entitled behaviour hasn’t stopped. For some it seems like, Larry coming out is it for them. Like pack it up, goodbye, shows over, Louis and Harry are gay and in a relationship and everything is rainbows, we get to see cute pictures of them and everyone lives happily ever after.

Yeah, no. Coming out, for anyone, is just the beginning, can’t even begin to imagine what its like for them. They’re still going to need everyones support, and it irritates me that for some fans it seems so fucking conditional.

Time and time again, I’ve seen tweets, and posts, and videos, whatever, going on about Larry coming out and it reads like a fucking wattpad story. Not just that but its always on the assumption by the poster, on the off chance they consider the other 3/5ths of the band and Ziam being a possibility, that Larry will come out first?

What?

I’m sorry but, what?

Everything I’ve seen from the boys tells me they’re all in this together, they support each other and are working through the bullshit as a team. We have all seen the No Judgement music video yes? The merch, posts, double speak etc referencing each other, yes?

I mean, I suppose if you only look at Louis and Harry, like so many do, sure. Only Larry matters, everyone else is a side character in their life.

(Lemme just, scream for a second).

However, that kind of thinking leads them to the wrong conclusions. Like… assuming the SBB/RBB countdown was attributed to nothing, when it counted down to Liam finally being free of Sophia. In the years since, I’ve seen Larries ™ backtrack on claiming the bears had anything to do with the boys, that they weren’t behind it at all, or that they were just trolling the fandom.

You know, despite all the proof otherwise, and some really, really good posts breaking down clues about what the boys were trying to tell us. The moment something might not actually be about Louis and Harry its like all their thinking shuts off. Its frustrating. Really fucking frustrating.

Seriously, fans of the other boys as individulas, not just Ziams, have been talking about the stunts too and how they fit together. Its why we tend to be right, because we’re considering the entire group. They’re still a group. They’re not free until all of them are free.

Just for that Nialls coming out first. Lmao. I’ll call it now. Lets go Niall, whens the baby coming. We all wanna know. Its been years.

Imagine, imagine! Acting like coming out is some race to be won. The fucking audacity.

Go outside and touch fucking grass you absoulte ninny.

I get it, you want to be vindicated, you want to be rewarded for putting your faith in two celebrities being together.

Newsflash you dandelionfluff, its not a race, Louis and Harry coming out isn’t a fucking prize. Thats not what supporting a relationship looks like.

Its worse when someone admits they don’t know much about Ziam or the possibility of Niall being LGBT+, and claim they’re open to it, but then immediately tweet or reblog or sub tweet or tag comment a post or answer an ask from another Larry ™ talking about how Larries ™ are the most marginalized and persecuted group.

???

In what fucking world?

IN WHAT FUCKING WORLD?

If we wanna play that game, boohoo, the media claims Louis and Harry aren’t friends anymore because of crazy shippers. Meanwhile Zayn publicly isn’t friend with anyone and “left” the band… despite the Ziam fandom calling the stunt about either Louis or Zayn “leaving” and getting it down to the exact week (the second article coming out a week before about the Ziam kiss pretty much cemented it for Zayn leaving. Which did a lot to fan the flames of the already rabid fanbase when Ziam got two articles confirming a Ziam kiss over the years and Larry got nada. Like that actually means anything).

Not to mention Larries ™ using the hetties and management tactics against the other parts of the fandom to silence them.

Who cares what the media says anyway!  TPTB, 1DHQ, The Sun, The Mirror, Simon and his minions and their unpaid interns have used the media to split the fandom apart and it worked.

Who the fuck cares if the media calls the 1D stans delusional, you know the truth! The truth it out there and you’ve seen it! The truth is coming! Who gives a damn about what some two bit “journo” who failed out of their creative writing course writes? They get worse by the year. If it wasn’t so pathetic and hilarious I might actually feel embarrassed for them. They can’t even come up with new stories and have just taken to copying old articles, but you’re upset with them??? Give it a rest. Honestly.

The sense of disconnect, entitlement and victimhood of some Larries ™ is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh my god they’re Karens. I’m not trying to be insulting, but thats exactly who they remind me of.

I’m not going to say its a surprise to me that so many in the Ziam fandom are POC, LGBT+, and Neurodivergent and any combination of those, but I am going to say I’ve read a lot of Larry fics that just have Het sex made gay. Those in the Ziam fandom just tend to look at facts in a different way than Larries do due to their life experiences. A interfaith, interracial, relationship where one or both partners fall under the Bi umbrella (not saying Louis or Harry can’t be or aren’t Bi+ but rumors, and the way the fandom markets them, puts them firmly in the gay category) looks very, very different than gay or straight relationship. Both looking from outside and being in one. There’s just different dynamics at play that aren’t often realized or understood by the gays and hets.

Its not a bad thing. All relationships are different. The issue is that theres a lot of biphobia/racism/religious prejudice etc that arises from people being unwilling to understand the inherent differences.

Taking myself for example, I’m bi, like, bi as hell, and I don’t understand how gays and hets only like one gender. I just don’t. Can’t wrap my head around it. If someone asks me to choose one gender over the others to prefer I can’t. Its so stressful. My brain goes into panic mode and it feels like I’m being torn apart. My sense of identity is shaken- its a shit feeling. I just can’t lie to myself like that. If other people feel the same well, its no wonder bi+ have such high rates of depression and suicide. Its not about choosing who to like, there is no choice, I just feel attraction to everyone. Aces, I get. Its similar to being the opposite of what I feel, or not feeling an attraction to someone I’m not interested in. Easy. Gays and hets? I’m completely lost on.

Completely, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try and understand where they’re coming from. Its alien to me, personally, but I’m not going to shut down the fact, that theres a fuck ton of people who only like one gender or try and make up reasons as to why they’re actually bi+

I digress, none of the boys fall neatly into the gay stereotypes, its just that parts of the Larry fandom have boxed Louis and Harry into certain roles to fit preconceived notions (likely do to them initially fitting in better with the white, sassy, somewhat effeminate twink thats been plastered all over Hollywood as their “LGBT+ representation” for years. Gag), they can understand better, and only look for proof to back up their theories but don’t look at things objectively.

They really need to get out more and make some LGBT+ friends that aren’t on the internet and talk to some gay elders. They need educating that’s not the often sanitized and insulting Hollywood version, that’s all I’m saying.

They made Louis and Harry more palatable for themselves and its… really gross.

I don’t know, I don’t get it.

Some Larries ™ turned the boys into their fandom and fanfiction stereotypes when they’re so much more than that. The Sony leaks should have been enough to dissuade the fandom, and prove that the brand sold to the broader audience is just that- a brand, and yet… Niall only talks about food and golf and Ireland and is only allowed to be straight or ace. If he exists at all its just to be Capt Niall. Liams slow and dumb and depending on the day he’s either Capt Liam or a horrific abusive homophobe. Zayns just The Worst, a unstable drug addict, and the boys hate each other, and they should have kicked him out of the band sooner because he never wanted to be part of them anyway, etc.

It drives me absolutely around the bend some days. They’re real people who don’t owe anyone anything, especially not coming out.

Yes, I think they will. But they’re not obligated to. They can change their minds, I’ll support them regardless of an “official” coming out or not.

Look, a part of me gets it. They wanna be right, they wanna prove the haters wrong, they want to be able to say I called it all along! The vindication will be sweet.

But like, it takes a quick look at someone other than Louis and Harry to realize theres something hinky going on with Liam, Zayn and Niall. Please listen to their fans who have spent just as much time as you have looking into Louis and Harry compiling together evidence.

It might take a weekend to watch the ILYSM and pterodactyl bros videos and a few more hours looking into some Niall blogs, which isn’t much compared to the hours I know they’ve spent looking into Larry. At least then they’ll have enough information to form an opinion on things.

I wonder, for some, what would happen if Larry didn’t come out, or didn’t come out first, or one of the other boys was outed against their will. Because… I don’t know. It seems like some would rather just be proven right at this point.

I get it. We’re tired. Its been eleven long years. But this isn’t a television show were everything can come to a head with a s3 or s4 cliff hanger and fixed in the series finale. Its real life, and they started off as boys trusting industry veterans who never had their best interests at heart.

Iduno. I just want some Larries ™ to take a step out of the echo chamber, realize life isn’t The Larry Show & co. And especially. ESPECIALLY, that every instance were someone, friends, family, co-works, industry peeps etc support the boys they are SUPPORTING THE BOYS, NOT THE FANDOM. They are not “confirming Larry for the fans” they’re doing it to support the couple, not to cater to the fandom. Please stop confusing the two. There’s a huge fucking difference. Learn it.

[aro-culture-is]

okay, so i think i might be somewhat aro??? like im so confused, ive had "crushes" but they were never real and when i got regected in all of them it was more a sigh of relief rather than crying, i have a boyfriend and i feel,,, sonthin about him?? like i like him and think of him but its always prompted or forced, i can naver think of him when im actually doing somthing that would be described as romantic. might be my neurodivergence interfereing with my romance and social ques but ,,, its just,,, i want an answer, i feel like i want to love and feel empty without it, i can imagine myself in a romantic situation and greatly enjoy it, i can want to hug and kiss and all that, but I've never ever had a true crush and when i say that i love somone romantically its just,, kinda empty, like i want romance but i can never actually take it, it might just be my own relationship problems (as all of them have ended the same way) or that im young and neurodivergent, but i just wanted to ask if this could be a sign of being aro (i really hope its not but i just want any confirmation on it either way) im just really scared about it

hi! i’m so sorry it’s taken a while to get to this. i hope you’ll still see this response or that at least it will help someone.

okay, so i think i might be somewhat aro??? like im so confused, ive had "crushes" but they were never real and when i got regected in all of them it was more a sigh of relief rather than crying

that definitely sounds like an aro experience in faking crushes.

i have a boyfriend and i feel,,, sonthin about him?? like i like him and think of him but its always prompted or forced, i can naver think of him when im actually doing somthing that would be described as romantic.

oof, this hits close to home for me. i had a very similar feeling when I was dating my now ex-gf. i liked her as a person! we were close! it felt like... something! i called it alterous attraction at the time, but... it certainly wasn’t romantic. i felt incredibly awkward and like i was following some kind of script each time i tried to do the romantic talk/actions she seemed to like or that others told me was normal.

might be my neurodivergence interfereing with my romance and social ques

oh big mood. i’d love to tell you the neurotypical experience if i was one, but i’m nd and yeah, i struggled with that. however, my gf was also nd and known for having zero skills at social cues, and... it was still instinctive to her, so far as she ever expressed to me.

i feel like i want to love and feel empty without it, i can imagine myself in a romantic situation and greatly enjoy it, i can want to hug and kiss and all that, but I've never ever had a true crush

have you heard of cupioromantic? or romance-positive aros? it is possible to have a relationship as an aro person - some prefer to call them romantic relationships, some qprs, and, though i haven’t seen it in quite a while, the term “soft-romo” relationships was around when i first found the aro community. additionally, depending on your friends, some friends are willing or interested in this kind of stuff. 

i just wanted to ask if this could be a sign of being aro (i really hope its not but i just want any confirmation on it either way) im just really scared about it

first of all, please feel free to take a deep breath. it’s going to be okay. especially if you’re young - you have time. it’s not the end of the world to be aromantic. it can be awkward when you’re in a relationship, i won’t lie. but in the end? i personally learned that accepting myself for who i am has significantly improved my mental health. if i could, i’d give you a hug or whatever expression of compassion and sympathy is okay with you, but please believe me when i say - you’re okay. everything will be okay. even if right now it is scary, you are okay.

i really hope this helps, and please know you are not the only one who’s been in this situation before.

- mod kee

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[uncanny-tranny]

Here's the third part of my thirty days of autism acceptance answers! I hope you're all well and happy. I had a lot to say for this one, haha!

April 10th-12th

April 10th: How important is representation to you? Is the representation that is out there generally good or bad? What is your favorite piece of representation? What you like to see more of in autism representation? What would you like to see less of?

I like representation but I think it ought to genuinely come from the heart and be informed. Honestly, the representation I have seen just doesn't feel like it fits that criteria (in that the characters feel like a stereotype of autism rather than a single person who is autistic). Honestly, I'm tired of watching autistic representation that feels like a caricature of the idea neurotypical people have of autism (there's a great video mentioning this by Jesse Gender addressing the movie Music). I stand by the headcanon that SpongeBob is autistic and has ADHD, so I'm gonna side with him. That show was my first obsession as a kid, and it'll always be in my heart.

April 11th: What are your thoughts/feelings about masking (a term for when autistic people hide their autistic traits)? Do you mask?

I've masked since I could remember. I've addressed this before, but I truly have always felt/been expected to be the "smart and gifted" kid. I'm smart, sure, but it came at the expense of my happiness because my intelligence and others' perception of my intelligence especially is how I judged myself. Any traits of autism or neurodivergency I expressed felt like a contradiction of my stature as a "smart" person. That's a terrible thing to have thought, I know, but as a kid, it truly felt like a hindrance to my ambitions. My definition of "smart" was just "neurotypical." The ironic thing about this is that by masking, I made my life so much harder and it's become such a roadblock. I think it's heartbreaking to see other people share similar experiences and sentiments regarding masking, and my hope is that we can change how people view neurodivergency.

April 12th: Is there anything you find hard to do because of being autistic? Is there anything that you find easy?

I find it hard to be social or to focus on something (either at all or even just in moderation). I will never understand how people can deal with large crowds or events without wanting to cry after. I think that when I am motivated and in the right mindspace to engage with what I love, it can actually be super easy to indulge in it until I am incredibly good at it.

[lifeinpoetry]

literally, don’t be this parent

Was on Twitter and saw a post about a parent deleting their kid’s Minecraft world of a year or so & cutting off internet access as punishment for oversleeping during this pandemic. It brought me back to a psychiatrist’s attempts to have my parents do something similar with my mental health support website and blog that I’d started at fifteen. & I was to be cut off from the internet. Completely. In a world where there was no Google or Wikipedia this wasn’t seen as extreme. 

This psychiatrist was the main person on my mental health team during a hospitalization. I was unaware he’d attempted to get my parents to agree to institutionalize me until sometime within the past year or so. I have handwaved so much shittiness from mental health professionals but his frustration with my passive noncompliance is so clear to me now in ways I didn’t understand back then. I didn’t act out so I couldn’t be tackled to the ground and stuck in one of those ‘timeout’ rooms. I was polite, never talked back, went to all groups, was med compliant, went to all meals, and was open to the multiple interviews with med students. He pathologized the only time I’ve ever screamed at a psychiatrist (or any health professional) in the past 20-ish years of treatment. He’d just told me my parents were going to delete my website (& hand coded blog) and cut off all internet access at home. I think most people would react poorly.

Attempting to cut me off from my online support when my home life was abusive and potentially dangerous was my psychiatrist’s parting shot after weeks of pissing him off by not lying and going ahead with signing his contract for safety, for not complying in a way he could punish any further without going to court. They’d already taken away my right to wear anything but a hospital gown on the ward during the majority of my stay, the mental health rights handbook was a joke on that count. I was on one to one for the majority of my stay. People watched me piss, shit, and shower. Privacy was a privilege. People were normally allowed to order what they wanted for their meals but that was another privilege I didn’t have. I was always locked out of my room. My unofficial diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder — I was a minor — because it was popular at the time and because I was a young person who self-harmed and generally felt numb because of emotional & verbal abuse at home, and the underlying threat of potential violence. BPD is not a diagnosis that has carried over into adulthood.

& my immigrant parents who grew up poor in hometowns where psychiatrists were not considered an option, are boomer-age, who were in a fucked up marriage, and had little awareness of the internet defied every single one of his attempts at making me comply. They chose to have me to come home and start my first semester of university instead of being sent off somewhere long-term. They did not delete my website. My internet access was not cut off. It was not even restricted. & that wasn’t because they were always lenient or because they were online outside the AOL address my mom had at the time. It was because they saw me as a person whose online projects had value even if they didn’t really understand the internet. They realized I’d worked on my website for over two years & that it meant something to me at a time where I cared for & felt almost nothing. I’d just been hospitalized for six weeks because of my post-HS graduation suicide attempt. 

Just tired of some people still not taking online projects/games seriously. It’s 2020. & so many people feeling the effects of the pandemic in ways I’m not used to seeing outside my neurodivergent/neuroatypical friends so your kid oversleeping seems like a normal response to staying home all day every day while the world outside is determined to sacrifice the vulnerable — including grandma — in the name of capitalism. It’s been nineteen years since my experience and some people are still pretending it’s okay to set fire to their kid’s creative projects because they’re deluded into believing nothing their kid does on the internet is valuable and that there’s no inherent violence in punitive deletion because they can’t smell the smoke.

tl;dr: A random tweet reminded of the time a psychiatrist attempted to institutionalize me, have my website, personal blog & forum deleted, and all access to the Internet restricted post-hospitalization because I was passively noncompliant in a way his multiple attempts of breaking me couldn’t touch & my immigrant parents refused to go along with his plans despite our fucked up home life. So let’s not do punitive deletion of a kid’s online world in an attempt to make them act like the pandemic isn’t affecting them.

[adaarsimp]

bioware rant okok

I’ve felt the need to speak on this for a while and I don’t quite know how to start this off so bare with me- I’ve never felt like Bioware was performative in their activism. So allow me to read off some points I’ve had wracking through my brain for a hot minute. 

So Mass Effect was released in 2007, and if you’ve played the game you’ll know that there is an entire alien race that has no gender or lacks the concept of one; they reproduce through the melding of the brain, and in their society there is no actual need for sex in terms of reproduction. A lot of asari characters we see do present in a feminine way, but they actually have no concept of gender. They have little to no care for it, they might use female pronouns, gender ambigious pronouns like they/them or any variation of that, and even male pronouns. We see this in conversations about asari/asari mating as one of the pair is refered to as the ‘father’ depending on which carried the child or not- where as in human society, they would both be referred to as the mother. Asaris are also able to reproduce with any of the species in mass effect, as the product of that union will always be asari though they will carry certain traits of the ‘father’ species. Ie, a krogan union, a human female union- They are still the ‘father’. 

This caused a fair bit of controversy, especially since as a female player you are able to romance an asari. Back in 2007, there was little to no discussion about the possibility of there being more genders than male and female, or even nonbinary. Due to this, the games were banned in certain countries for having a wlw sex scene. 

Fast forward to 2009, Dragon Age Origins is released. You have two party members who are both bisexual (Zevran and Lelianna) and two straight relationships made available to you. And even the option of open relationships or poly relationships was introduced. They never upheld any sort of negative stereotypes about either of the same sex relationships in any way, shape or form. 

In Dragon Age 2, there is a wide variety of character romances accessable to the player as either gender; I actually think there’s only one character you can only romance as a female player, and he was only a DLC character. For the first 2 games, there was no mention of homophobia or shame for same sex relationships. Even in a continent unified under one banner of church, there was no law against same sex as we see in our own religions in our society. 

 Inqusition (2014), a trans male character (Krem) was introduced to us, with a progressed backstory a lot unlike most characters that are not integral to the game. There is a specific dialogue choice that you get in a cutscene where your character gets schooled for asking transphobic questions. 

Also in Inquisition, you meet Dorian Pavus, a mage from Tevinter from a wealthy noble family. This is the first mention of homophobia in the entire series from what I’ve seen- Dorian comes from a long line of nobles in Tevinter, and as you know they all battle for dominance when it comes to who is in power, and to garuntee you stay in power you need an heir. His father expected Dorian to enter a marriage with a woman, produce an heir and take over his place, as his child would do after him. Dorian tried to live up to his, but he did not want to live a lie understandably so, and marry a woman he knew he could never love, as he prefered the company of men. In Tevinter, same sex couples are kept behind closed doors, they are free to do so but it is a badge of shame on a family to not keep a bloodline going. Tevinter is however not part of Thedas, and they have a different Chantry with different rules, however the Chantry is not in rule there, the mages/Magisters are. 

And also in Dragon Age, the discrimination and racism towards the elves throughout all 3 games so far is widely known to be linked back towards racism in our society towards people of colour, specificially black people.  And while there are people of colour in the game, there was no distinction between race in terms of humans. The racism was towards elves, dwarves, and Qunari. I brought up the elves in this case because despite the fact they were freed as slaves, they were segregated from humans, kept in factions of cities called the ‘Alienages’ and forced to live in slums, while also being used for cheap labour or hate crimed regularly by rich humans. This is a clear play on the way that african americans were segregated in the early 1900s, and the injustices they faced throughout that and still to this day as we see the systemic racism now uphold in crimes commited by the police to citizens.

In ME; Andromeda, there’s a character Peebee that is strongly implied that she is neurodivergent; autistic/aspergers to be specific.

These are the points I can think of from the top of my head, and currently we see game companies under fire for being inclusive in their work, people angry over trans characters and gay characters, people complaining that it is performative and that they are simply ‘throwing us a bone’. However I don’t think that Bioware has ever added characters or concepts into their games for a gold star on activism, I think they come from the actual beliefs of the game developers. The characters are all complex and written well, they aren’t just thrown together last minute to keep people happy. I personally think Bioware has always done well in terms of representing marginalized groups in our society. 

anyway rant over i think

[chelledoggo]

Coming Clean

The past few days for me have been...eventful, to say the least.

But it's a new day, I've cooled down from the panic, and am ready to make my final, no-BS statement on this whole controversy. I feel like it needs to be done, and a few tweets on the subject isn't enough.

CW: Transphobia, Ableism, Suicide, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression, Rape and Murder mentions

On Sunday, July 12, 2020, I made a meme and posted it to Twitter. Essentially, the meme was comparing issues of mainstream trans and nonbinary people (being killed, being raped, being made fun of, being denied health care under Trump, etc...) to the online xenogender community, a community which I had not previously properly educated myself on.

Xenogenders, as I understand now, are gender identities that are used by some people, typically neurodivergent people, because they feel that these terms describe their gender identity better than the predetermined labels that are more commonly used. (cis, trans, nonbinary, agender, genderqueer, etc.) These identities are often based on unconventional factors, such as aesthetics, creatures, mythical beings, natural phenomena, and so on, and often use pronouns specially coined to compliment them.

In the meme, I depicted a very unflattering stereotype of xenogender youth, and used some tasteless terminology to describe how they present their developed gender identity to the world.

I won't bullshit you anymore. Here is the meme. (CW for Transphobia and Ableism; Rape and Murder mentions)

I posted it to Twitter, closed out, and took a nap. I didn't expect much to come out of it except for a few likes and retweets. I was obviously very wrong.

When I woke up and pulled up Twitter again, I was greeted to my notifications being flooded with replies upset by what I'd posted. Many of them were calling me out for ableism and transphobia. Some of them were just flinging insults and mocking me for my age/appearance/etc. Some of them were just fancams.

I'd finally seen the true impact of my actions.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a fear of angering others or becoming hateful and ignorant. I would never want to intentionally hurt innocent people, especially those of marginalized groups such as the trans and nonbinary communities. And as someone who is neurodivergent herself, I certainly wouldn't want to be willfully ableist. I've faced ableism in one form or another for my entire life.

People could also tell you that for pretty much my entire life, I've suffered with mental illnesses. I've been professionally diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. As such, I'm prone to panic attacks, outbursts, and suicidal ideation when under extreme distress.

As soon as I saw all the anger and hurt I'd caused, I started spiraling into a severe panic attack. I didn't realize how much this meant to a lot of people. A lot of young, neurodivergent people.

I felt like the scum of the earth. I fucked up, just like I've fucked up and made people hate me so many times before in the past. This is my life. Acting without thinking, and then unintentionally hurting people.

I immediately deleted the tweet and made an admittedly hasty apology.

When I'm in this state, however, I don't think clearly. My immediate reaction was that I was just too much of a fuck-up to go on living. I made a tweet saying I wanted to kill myself without any thought as to how that might be interpreted as guilt-tripping after I fucked up instead of taking responsibility.

Again, I was called out on it. So I deleted my suicidal tweets, too.

I then started posting tweet after tweet after tweet claiming that I was sorry and wanted to “be better.” But this barrage of tweets, as sincere as I thought they were at the time, came off as shallow damage control.

Once again, I was called out on this.

The next day, I tried once again to make a no-bullshit apology. I stated in plain english that I was indeed transphobic, ableist, and 100% in the wrong to make that meme, and that, while I still didn't fully understand xenogender identities, I would be respectful of them from now on.

There were plenty of people who were glad I apologized and learned from my mistakes, and I honestly felt a lot better for it.

I was hoping this would just be a fresh start, and things could slowly go back to normal for me and my friends.

However, there were also people angry at me for “bending the knee,” as they put it. I hid their replies to my apology because some of them (not all of them) were friends of mine, and I didn't want them getting attacked.

Some of my friends took this as “throwing them under the bus,” and were angry at me for it. A few of them decided they didn't want to be my friends anymore.

My friends, whether I agree with them on everything or not, mean a lot to me. They are really the only emotional support I have. I suffer from abandonment issues and my mental illness symptoms spike whenever I lose people I consider close friends.

So I lashed out at them for not respecting my decisions. I felt like they didn't really care about my mental health or my emotional wellbeing. I was hurt. Hurt just like I hurt everyone with the meme that started this whole nightmare.

I then, once again, started posting suicidal tweets. I talked about wanting to “chug a bottle of pills” and “go out like etika.” I actually attempted to strangle myself with a bathrobe belt. But, of course, I'm an all-talk-no-action coward when it comes to suicide.

After this, something just kind of fizzled out inside of me. I came to the conclusion that as much as I wanted to just make everyone happy, I couldn't. I couldn't make everyone believe that I was sorry, and I couldn't make everyone stop seeing me as just someone who wanted to “bend the knee” to avoid backlash.

So I was done. I gave up. I didn't care anymore. I was numb.

I made one last series of tweets stating just that, announced I was taking a break from twitter to heal, privated my account, and left. (I also made a tweet asking for people to report the person who screenshotted my meme and got people on me, but then I got called out for targeting a minor, and deleted this tweet as well.)

That brings us to right now.

I decided that I needed to really sit down, gather up all my thoughts, and recount the entire series of events. I just want everything that happened, including my words and actions, to be understood.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not an ableist or a transphobe. But I am a human. A human who makes mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I want to learn and do right by the people I've hurt.

I'm also a person with an extremely fragile mental and emotional state. A person who doesn't think clearly under pressure. A person who's had to put up with a lifetime of feeling like a failure who should honestly just cease to exist.

The bottom line here is this: I've gone through the suffering that I needed to go through. I realized the consequences of my ignorance. I've tried and am still trying my best to do right by everyone. I need to get this thing off my chest, confess to my sins, and finally let this whole thing go. So I can heal. So that everyone I hurt and everyone who got caught up in this can heal.

I would be lying if I said I completely understood xenogenders at this point. I probably never will. But I don't need to understand. I just need to be respectful. Because at the end of the day, no one's hurting anyone by identifying with a xenogender identity. They're just people trying to find themselves, just like I am. Who the hell am I to put them down? I'm neurodivergent. I've been young. I should know better.

I sincerely apologize to the xenogender community, to the LGBT+ community, to my friends, and to everyone that got caught up in this.

I love you all.

TL;DR: Made a shitty meme. Didn't do my research on xenogenders. Was ableist/transphobic. Had a severe mental health breakdown. Alienated everyone. Am genuinely sorry.

NOTE: At the time of posting this, my Twitter is still on private, and I’m afraid to unprivate it just yet. I would appreciate it if my friends could share this so it can get out there.