#Long Past

[orbital-inclination]

What if. Hear me out. What if I asked Molt if he wanted to cuddle/hug? I would be a friend or closely associated in this situation. I just wanna know how he take a rain of affection. (Aka hugs, pats/pets, boops, words of affirmation and bunch of gifts.)

To summarize for those who haven’t seen the post (or are too lazy to find it like me): Molt likes Hugs. In fact, he loves them. He’s actually a bit of a cuddle bug! The problem is that he’s wary of physical touch both because of lingering PTSD and because he’s terrified of the person he’s with falling under the influence of his magic. Hence, why this is usually only something he’s comfortable allowing with a close friend.

If a close friend asked for or offered a hug though, he would probably accept… then lean into it, and hold you tightly. If you offer to cuddle though, be prepared to be there for a while. You’re not getting up until Molt is too sleepy to insist that you stay. But why would you want to leave? He is very warm… and safe… you are so comfortable now, how could you bear to get up?

… but in general you’ll find that Molt is more receptive to smaller gestures of affection.

Boops will get a small startled smile out of him. Bewarned though, he will boop you back. (This is an Actual warning, he can’t see where your nose is, he will miss.)

Molt won’t quite understand pats or pets. But he’d tolerate them because they come from a place of affection. Once he gets used to the unexpectedness of physical contact, of course. (The progression of this will feel like slowly introducing a stray cat to the concept that pets = good things.)

The thing about affection, is that, it’s a very good source of positive energy. It’s a very pure source of positivity. Perhaps the purest. Expose Molt to too much of it too quickly, and he’ll start to feel that he’s being too greedy. Too selfish. He finds himself leaning in, progressively hungrier for these tiny moments of pure happiness, and that thought scares him. It scares him to no end. Because now he’s tempted to seek out these moments, to incite them even, and that feels too close to manipulation for him. It’s sick. He refuses to use a friend to feed his own power.

When it’s offered, it’s okay, because it’s a gift, but when he seeks it out, it’s not. (Molt is blind to the double standard he’s holding himself to. He is not allowed to ask. He is only allowed to accept or reject. And even being allowed to reject feels new.)

He also, low-key fears that, given his brother’s overall objective to weaken his curse, a person that is such a tremendous source of positive feelings for him will jeopardize that goal.

Rem is willing to do a great deal for what he believes is best for his brother. Even Molt is not sure how far his brother is willing to go.

[bobbie-robron]

Those were the days…

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[christadeguchi]

"we know how to move our bodies, but i didn't know how to manage my heart, so you need help for this"

hi we need to talk more about judo gold medallist christa deguchi.

[cistematicchaos]

I keep thinking about this discussion I was watching the other day where two people were talking about tattoos and how people say younger people shouldn't be allowed to get tattoos because "they might regret them later."

One of the people spoke up and said something along the lines of that if she got a tattoo when they were younger and regretted it later, they didn't think that meant they shouldn't have been allowed to get the tattoo.

Because her younger self deserved the right to get that tattoo and enjoy it, even if they didn't like it 100 evolutions of character later. Their younger self still deserved the right to make that choice, just like her [insert age] self deserves the right to get tattoos their 90 year old self would despise. It would be a disrespect to claim otherwise.

Your younger self deserved the right to your body just as much as you do now, even if you don't like or agree with what they did with it.

What a beautiful mentality that applies to so many things.

[incredubious]

MODERN AU ACESAN !!!! first impressions with a guy who barely passes the No Shoes No Shirt No Service rule

[hinamie]

I'll give them shelter like you've done for me

[herbarimoon]

Here with you

+ bonus danganronpa blood version

[watcher0033]

Y’all, the Archive admins are made up of VOLUNTEERS. And they have been working for 12-13 HOURS STRAIGHT.

I better not hear any complaints when donation period comes around. OR ELSE.

cosplay by @woahchriswoah on Twitter

EDIT: How do we show appreciation to the volunteers? For me reading these deep dives on OTW issues u guys apparently it's been said multiple times that one of their objective statements is to have paid staff for ao3 and there's a surplus of donations they haven't used up or the other community solutions that needs to address. For those more financially literate feel free to analyze, snipe me or add to the discussion etc. linked here by deepa. They’re cool and these yearly analysis they did aint no joke.

But Seriously what can we do for these volunteers? The probable burn out from this entire fiasco would be no joke. @ao3org

[thehmn]

Here’s some inspiration for anyone who wants to write a green utopia or something that symbolize the rot under the surface.

I visited Stige Island today. It’s not really an island because it is connected to the mainland by a small road but the name stuck.

It is an artificially constructed island that was turned into a dump which made it grow bigger and bigger as more trash was piled on top.

Eventually the dump was closed down by covering it in a thick layer of dirt which is why the island is full of hills and bumps. A web of paths were created and the landscape was dotted with playgrounds and picnic tables and today it’s an incredibly popular place for the locals to relax.

Unfortunately most photos online show the island in its early sorta barren state because today it has become a haven for all sorts of plant and animal life skittering around in the dense bushes. It’s a wonderful place to go birdwatching, fishing or pick berries.

But the trash is still down there creating methane gas. What did the city do about that? Harvest it for energy of course! So when you walk around the island you’ll see pipes and what appears to be manholes that are part of this sophisticated system.

You can look at it in two ways. To me it’s a wonderful solution to turn this former dump into a beautiful green area for wildlife and people to use while also using it for energy, but the idea that something fire related could happen and blow the entire thing up and unearth the dirt of the past is pretty tempting.

[mobius-m-mobius]

#he's actually a comedian

HUGH JACKMAN as LOGAN HOWLETT // WOLVERINE

[awingedllama]

this is a little niche and probably incredibly difficult to try to animate but a cool idea for the nostalgia set specifically in the kitchen is one of those pull out trash cans from the cabinets. We had one in an old house my family lived in, cousins & I would always play in it and hide in it but I was just thinking about older trash can themes while i was using the kitchen set for my current build.

added it to the download folder :)

it uses the tuning for the nano-can, so you'll receive simoleons for your trash

note: sims are able to throw garbage away, and the cabinet will animate, but they won't actually route *to* the trash can first; they just sort of chuck it into the abyss. whenever i try to add constraints to the interaction, the sim can no longer throw away trash, so i've left it as-is for now. trash cans do not like to be edited apparently, and changing any little bit of tuning can make it stop functioning altogether. (if anyone knows how to force sims to route with the trash, please let me know!)

also you'll notice the cupboard is slightly darker than the others. it's using a different shader, because the counter shader prevents the animation from playing. another annoying little thing i'm not sure how to fix

it's far from perfect, but i hope you get some use out of it!

[euqinim0dart]

Im honored to announce that my piece "Pitter Patter" has been longlisted in the World Illustration Awards!

Big thank you to the Association of Illustration and the judges.

[christadeguchi]

"You can tell that there was a wealth of love that went into making this film so I hope people can take just a little bit of that love out with them." - Eugene Lee Yang | Go Behind The Animation for Nimona

[tothechaos]

white knuckle gripping it through a silly little oil painting of kermit the frog because i feel disconnected from my body and am desperately trying to not go get another tattoo to solve it

[wardingshout]

Zelda goes mushroom girl