#Makes me feel better about my myself in real life and it’s why I’ve gotten so attached to the project

[rentumblsstuff]

NPMD!Steph: I asked Pete to Pasquali’s on the first date.

AC!Steph: I asked Pete to shower with me.

YJ!Steph: Who the fuck is Pete and why are we thirsty for him? Get a grip, ladies.

NPMD!Steph: Okay, okay, imagine the biggest nerd you can think of?

YJ!Steph: Oh the bow tie kid.

NPMD!Steph: That’s him.

AC!Steph: But then also like make him funny and sarcastic.

NPMD!Steph: Yeah! And sweet.

AC!Steph: And weirdly sexy and secretly jacked and you just kinda wanna break his brain so that the only thing he can think about is pinning you to the wall of the shower even though it’s nasty, so-

NPMD!Steph: Wait the other one is right. Get a grip. Please.

AC!Steph: *shaking* I’ve been stuck at Camp Idontwannabang for a month and he’s the only sane one here other than me. There’s only one thing I’m trying to ‘get a grip’ on around here, and it’s down the shorts that his ‘Virginity Rocks!’ camp tee is tucked into.

——

AC!Peter: I broke my leg trying to improvise a weapon to protect Steph and myself.

NPMD!Peter: I almost sacrificed my life for Steph!

TGWDLM!Peter: I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY HOT CHOCOLATE.

AC!Peter and NPMD!Peter: NEITHER HAVE WE!

TGWDLM!Peter: Also who is Steph and why are we willing to hurt ourselves for her?

AC!Peter and NPMD!Peter: *OFFENDED GASP*

AC!Peter: Imagine you have really low blood sugar and all you have to fix it is fuckin’ raisins… And Steph gives you a chocolate bar. Relief, finally, you can think straight for what feels like the first time in your life. That’s Stephanie.

NPMD!Peter: Imagine an eldritch god tells you that you have to give up what you treasure above all else and you suddenly realize in the worst way possible that your Pokémon cards and comic collection mean nothing to you in comparison, and as weirdly slimy and wiggly fingers brush the hair from your neck, you realize that the girl who’s suddenly become the most important person or thing in your life thinks of you the exact same way and that one of you has to die before you’ve even worked up the nerve to admit to the coolest girl you’ve ever met how you feel. That’s Stephanie.

AC!Peter: … Are you okay?

NPMD!Pete: Better than that guy’s doing.

BF!Pete: I watched a man get kicked in the head until he died… I can still see the bomb falling through the air as I spent my last moments alive with my big brother…

——

NPMD!Grace: I can explain!

AC!Grace: YOU HAD A SEXUAL FANTASY?!

PB!Grace: NASTY!! JAIL FOR YOU.

AC!Grace: HELL EVEN.

NPMD!Grace: Wait, no no no! It’s okay, I killed the guy it was about!

AC!Grace: You better have!

NPMD!Grace: But then he came back to life and I had to sacrifice my chastity to send him back, so we had sex in the middle of a football field and five evil gods dragged him to Hell! Also by the way, Jesus isn’t real and it’s up to us to cleanse the earth of all perverts for our new gods, the Lords in Black!

AC!Grace and PB!Grace: …………… WHAT THE FU-

[royboyfanpage]

Okay, let's talk about Ollie's experience with fatherhood.

I'm an Oliver Queen apologist forever, but I think that there's a tendency in fandom to go one of two ways- "absolutely perfect dad, no flaws whatsoever" or "evil abuser who shouldn't be within six miles of a child". This isn't an Ollie exclusive phenomenon, a lot of characters and topics do fall into that black-and-white mindset. But the thing is- Ollie doesn't have to be either extreme. Particularly with Roy, who most of the debate centres around, Ollie wasn't perfect! I think there's such a rich discussion point in terms of young Roy's relationship with Ollie, so much more than just That Panel. Because, in my interpretation, Ollie absolutely cared about him, absolutely saw him as a son, but also the idea of being a father is something that deeply terrified him. The idea that this literal child being dependent on him made it feel more real, if that makes sense. Coming to terms with the fact that he was responsible for another person's life was difficult for him, and so he put up this wall- hero and sidekick. A conceptual dynamic, one that's not based in reality. He can keep that distance between himself and Roy and decide what that means, he doesn't have to be a father because that word has so many strong connotations, but he can still express that he cares about Roy, in his own way. That's why he always calls Roy 'Speedy' even out of costume, that's why his first thought is that Roy's undercover in Snowbirds. He can focus on being a good mentor to Speedy, which will have a trickle-down effect to being a good guardian to Roy, right?

Unfortunately, kids' brains don't work like that! Especially not a kid who's already lost two fathers. Roy needed a stability in his teenage years that Ollie just wasn't able to give at that time. He didn't see "Ollie's nice to me as Speedy because he loves me and doesn't know how to show it", he saw "Ollie's nice to me as Speedy, which means I'm only good as Speedy". This, at least in my opinion, is a major factor in Roy’s later self-esteem issues. Roy’s constantly underestimating himself as a hero, constantly comparing himself to Dick, and pushing himself 24/7 to improve because he internalised the idea that if he’s good, if he’s the perfect hero, then he’ll be loveable. He can’t be bad, he can’t fail, he can’t back down because if he does, he’s nothing.

It’s absolutely not Roy’s fault, but also this doesn’t mean that Ollie’s an evil neglecting abuser, either. Even the best parents fuck up, and Ollie was by no means the best parent. He took in Roy as a sidekick, as a buddy, and then never really found a way to combine the ideas of sidekick and son. He assumed that Roy would be able to interpret meanings behind gestures, which is something that Roy seems to struggle with even into adulthood. I’ve talked about it a fair bit, Roy’s absolutely someone who relies on the explicit, but he’s also not someone who’ll ask for clarification, which has caused conflict in his relationships time and time again. And while it's something he has gotten better at as he's gotten older, a 12-18 year old Roy would absolutely not be able to read Ollie's motives.

And Ollie's fear of fatherhood isn't something exclusive to Roy, either. Sure, he'd gotten better at it by the time Connor and Mia entered the picture (speaking as an oldest child myself, we are the guinea pigs of parenting, I was my mum's sibling), he absolutely still expresses this with them. I mean, just look at his face when he finds out Connor's his son.

That's the face of a man who's just had the crushing weight of parenthood slammed down onto him again, the moment Connor stopped being an ally and started being his responsibility. He's scared, because Ollie absolutely does not see himself as a good father for someone to have. This was very much present during Roy's teenage years, but particularly since this is post-Snowbirds. Both in terms of Roy developing a drug addiction and in terms of Ollie's own initial reaction to it, he immediately spirals. And, since we've already established he does not know how to process things, he lashes out at Connor.

And as for Mia, he's definitely matured significantly by the time she comes into the picture, and compared to with Roy he's a lot more open with his feelings. However!

He still won't explicitly accept the responsibility of fatherhood! Despite acting like a father to Mia in every way through his actions, he still won't use his words! Even though in the issue following, he expresses a paternal protectiveness over her.

And I think Mia's HIV diagnosis is maybe one of the biggest examples of his distancing himself and hiding his feelings, particularly when Connor asks him how he's feeling about it.

He's so fine, so totally fine, trust him when he says he's fine, totally not freaking out. He's absolutely not terrified for his not-daughter, no way.

Ollie has this fear that if he gets too attached to his kids, he's gonna end up failing them. If he keeps a distance from them, then he can't blame himself when they get hurt. Is this good parenting? No! Absolutely not! But this is also the man who dresses up as Robin Hood and who chose to die rather than lose his arm. This is not a healthy man.

But he tries, he tries so hard, even if it's in his own way. And he recognises when he fucks up! And he tries his best to mend it later on!

He's not the best at showing his kids that he loves them, but he's so proud of Roy when he becomes Red Arrow. He comes back to life to save Connor. He stands by Mia's side when she gets diagnosed and becomes Speedy. He's not a great dad, but goddamnit he's trying to be.

In conclusion, no, Ollie is not the perfect father. He's deeply flawed, and his own emotional incompetency has been and always will be a point of conflict between him and his kids. But he's not some uncaring abuser, either. He's trying.

[st4rgzer]

PROM QUEEN (matt sturniolo)

summary: loosely based on the song “prom queen” by Beach Bunny

genre: angst but fluff at the end!

cw!: self deprecating, insecurities, this is a heavy one!!

a/n: had this one in my drafts for forever and i’m not sure if i’ve ever posted this or not so sorry😭

I looked in the mirror and barely recognized the person looking back at me, my eye bags were far more visible then normal, my skin, pale, I had not gone out in at least a week. I had about 15 missed calls from Matt, nothing happened between us, I just didn’t feel like responding, life doesn’t feel real. I feel heavy when I walk and every step is a mile, mirrors have always been my biggest enemy but since I’ve started dating Matt it had gotten better, for some reason, I’ve started to fall into my bad habits again. I’m once again the kid that would always insist on being the one piggybacking, always the one at the bottom of the pyramid, and in high school I was never cut out for prom queen.

Pretty wasn’t a word I’d use to describe me, even if people insisted in calling me that, I never thought the same way, what were they seeing that I wasn’t?

Matt always seemed to ease these thoughts when he thought I was getting self conscious, or saying negative things about myself. Him being a popular public figure, girls are all over him, pretty girls, why was he wasting his time with me when he could be with them?

“don’t think that baby, you know I love you, only you, I promise I wouldn’t change you for anyone” he’d say. But he had to say that, it’s his duty as a boyfriend, i doubt he even means that.

After rotting in my bed for another good hour I decided to pick up one of his calls, I didn’t want him to think I was dead.

“y/n? where are you? are you ok-? why haven’t you been picking up?” He said, the panic evident in his voice.

“I had my phone on silent and I was- I was taking a shower” I responded hesitantly, seeing if he was buying it or not, I didn’t want to make up something so bizarre but I didn’t want to have to tell him the truth. I realized how hoarse my voice sounded.

“well, open up. I’m at your door.”

My thoughts froze. I hung up, repeating the word “no” in my head, I got up, I wasn’t going to just leave him hanging. As I went downstairs I remembered how much of a mess I looked like, absolute rubbish. I reluctantly opened the door with my head down, I couldn’t bare to look him in the eyes.

When he caught a good glimpse of me I could see the way his face softened, feeling pitiful for me.

“baby…”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in tightly, closing the door with the back of his shoe. As i felt my breath becoming quicker, I let it all out, sobbing against his chest, his heartbeat guiding my breath somehow.

“okay look at me love, follow my breathing ok?” he said softly, grabbing my shoulders slightly and tilting my chin up so I’d look at him. I did as he said, my shaky breath trying to slow down and imitate his.

“good, you’re doing so good baby” he whispered. Eventually my breaths slowed down, my eyes stung and my head was hurting from the previous crying, my hair was messy and frizzy, my cheeks were swollen and wet, yet he held me, he kissed my forehead and just held me, he didn’t force me to say anything right now. He didn’t insist on telling him what had happened. He whispered sweet nothings and “i love you”’s in my ear every once in a while.

I’m grateful for Matt, im going to to take more care of myself, for him, and then eventually, I’ll be able to do it for me.

a/n: if this is shit i apologize but have this while i finish my other fics i have coming up😭

taglist: @dwntwn-strnlo @eyelessdemon @gabbylovesreading @ssturniolo @thetriplets3 @strnlsblog @stvrni0lo

[sadstrever]

cw: 116lbs

gw: 106lbs

hw: 150lbs

hi. so my last account got banned so i realize now i should be a little more careful of what i say cuz i guess i concerned some of you. or this will just be my last post because i need to vent.

wanna hear how i started my day? i chew and spit my food into plastic bottles(i know i’m disgusting no one should ever do this) and i was opening it and it exploded fucking everywhere and the smell was putrid and it was all over me and my bedroom. and i was hungover. and it was 7am. and i threw up immediately after. anyways, i haven’t e@ten in weeks. lol. almost a month, which isn’t the longest i’ve gone so don’t worry this is not that bad lol. ALSO NO I WILL NOT BE GIVING TIPS. ever since my brother moved away it’s been pretty easy to st@rve. the hard part now is knowing where to draw the line. my best friend has broken down a lot recently because of me. i’m an awful person lol. i let them get too close and now they know too much about the disgusting things i do. i needed space because seeing him just makes me feel guilty for putting him through this with me. i tried to end the friendship 2 nights ago over a bottle of v0dka. it did not work out very well. i said some really hurtful things to him that i didn’t mean in an effort to push him away. once the alc wore off i made him a cake to apologize which now that i say it out loud, it does not feel like much of an apology at all. he somehow easily forgave me which makes me feel even shittier. he said it was because he knows im sick. i don’t know what i’m doing. the derealization has gotten worse. i tried going half sober which didn’t help. i’ve developed a laxative problem too which also doesn’t help. it’s not as bad as others though, i was just taking 3 a day for a minute(a few months)but that’s so fucking bad for you and it really made my stomach problems worse. i took 3 today for the first time after not taking them for weeks and there was really no reason. just a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. when that didn’t help, i tried to smoke but i got too high because i only smoke every other day now which lowered my tolerance. when THAT didn’t work i went to the gym and burned 460 calories and then THAT didnt work so i walked around and burned 240 more. none of it made me feel less empty. i’m so sick of it. why is it all so fucked. nothing feels right. i want to try and recover but i don’t remember the person i was before all of this. my brain just fucking can’t figure it out. i don’t feel like a real person man. i want to recover and not because i’m giving up. starving is the easiest part of my life. it’s all that seems to make me feel a little better. eating always makes me so depressed and in a worse way. it makes me aware of reality in a way that fucking kills me. i need to do it if i want to feel human, if i want to be a good friend, daughter, sister. i’m gonna wait until i’m underweight which is once i’m 109lbs. 7lbs away lol. it’ll probably take a week or two so i guess i’ll update on how i’m trying to recover. fuck i really don’t want to man. pls give me tips because i can’t die and just be a sad fucking story to everyone i love. or just fucking report me like u guys did last time, not having any safe place with people who relate will totally help too!!!

[darkvenus3]

Hi,

25/F.

I don't really understand why this turns me on so much. This is not a dynamic I ever want to seek out. I couldn't handle the insecurity, jealousy, and feelings of distrust/betrayal/abandonment. Cuckqueaning is a kink that I kind of treat like it's evil.

On the other hand, this emotional torment is what turns me on so much. It's like, this kink is my biggest fear, but it still gets me off. I don't understand. Lol

I'm also never interested in the "learning how to cope with the jealousy by building trust with your partner" because, this kink is like, a limit and a turn on. Idk. Very confused.

Hi,

I completely understand the feeling. At times I want my husband to reassure me he loves me the most and will never leave me. Other times, I want him to talk to me about how much better sex with them is.

I’m completely tormented by the concept that he has fucked two other women this week, and has barely kissed me, and yet also secretly am turned on and wet by the idea.

I think it’s very wise of you to acknowledge that you couldn’t handle this kink in real life. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and I won’t lie that sometimes I wonder if I’ve gotten myself in over my head. 😅 And yet I’m addicted to imagining what it’s like for him with other women, love cuddling him after he comes home smelling of his betrayal. Love the degrading act of deep throating his cock afterward. The reward of getting his dick when I’ve been wanting it so bad, even though he’s mostly satisfied and it feels like he’s just throwing me a bone. - Maybe that makes it even hotter for me. It’s twisted, and yes, sometimes I need a mental break from it and can’t allow myself to think on it too much. But the desire and thrill of being his degraded, submissive cuckquean always comes back to me in my darkest fantasies.

[longing-for-rain]

On sexual abuse, trauma, and recovery

I’ve wanted to post something like this for a long time, because of things people have said directly to me and other things I’ve seen. It strikes me how people who haven’t experienced this really don’t understand how it feels, both in the moment and in the aftermath.

The reason I finally decided to make this post is actually on a more positive note—I’m writing this just after I’ve had my first real date in years. My first real date I’ve had the courage to go on after escaping a sexually abusive situation I endured for nearly a year during the COVID pandemic. I’m writing this to say that even though what I’m talking about it going to sound bleak and disturbing, it doesn’t end there. We can still move on. I used to think I would rather die than be looked at sexually again. I didn’t even want to go out in public. But I’m sharing because no matter how bleak what I’m about to say sounds, I’m still here. We don’t have to stay trapped; we don’t have to stay silent.

I’ll put the rest below, and please, read at your own risk because I will be discussing heavy topics such as sexual abuse and the aftermath of that.

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years, but probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that the idea that recovery is quick and easy is a myth. The idea that it’s easy to get justice when you’re abused is a myth. Some people will probably get angry at me for saying this, but in all honesty, I wish I’d been warned. That’s the part I truly wasn’t prepared for—how isolated I would feel in the aftermath, and how the people and systems that promised to always support victims failed me. I’m tired of being told that it’s easy to simply report and move on. It’s never that simple.

The first time it happened, I was naïve and drunk and blamed myself. I just blocked it out. By the time it fully hit home that I’d been assaulted, it was too late. I had no evidence of the event and knew nothing would come of it if I reported it. So I didn’t. It was painful enough that it happened. I couldn’t handle also being accused of being a lying whore trying to ruin an “innocent” man’s life for no reason. That’s how women like me are treated when we try to say anything.

That was right before COVID. During COVID, I was mostly online and that’s how I got into fandom again. I found comfort there, especially after what I’d been through, but unfortunately I repeated the same mistake I’d made the first time—I was naïve, I was somewhere unfamiliar, and way too vulnerable. Someone took advantage of that.

I don’t really want to go into details, but I was sexually groomed and abused over the course of about a year. I didn’t realize it at first, because that’s the cruel thing about grooming. When it starts slowly, you don’t realize what’s happening to you until it’s too late. I spent hours a day at times on the phone with this person. What I thought was “advice” was really just her pushing me into places (sexually) that she knew I wasn’t comfortable with. To this day I still don’t know if it was because she was interested in my sexually or if she just liked the idea of “corrupting” a much younger woman into destroying herself just like she had.

But at the time, I was blind to it. I thought it was just a toxic friendship. I felt hurt and traumatized but didn’t understand how to express why I was feeling the way I was. I didn’t yet recognize it as abuse, and even the slightest hint of that was crushed by my abuser and her friends. She knew the community better than me and how to manipulate it—how to make me look crazy for trying to come to terms with what happened. So ultimately, I simply blocked her, deleted every account I’d been associated with her on, and thought it would end there.

At the time it seemed like the best option. But later, I realized what I’d done. Those conversations were evidence, and I’d gotten rid of them all. So now I’m suffering the same fate I did the first time. I have no evidence. I have to deal with what happened, and I can’t prove it.

I did try to speak up, eventually, as many abused women do. I got a taste of why rape has a 2% conviction rate, why this is a crime that goes so often unpunished. People who barely knew the situation got involved, because they were friends of friends of the abuser. I was called things like “shit stirrer” and accused of “disrupting the community” for trying to say something. I lost friends I thought I could trust, either because they sided with my abuser or because they were too cowardly to say anything. And nobody has ever apologized for anything—not one. I’ll be honest. I seriously considered suicide multiple times and attempted once. The aftermath was even worse for me than the abuse in some ways. I was still living under the lie that as a victim, I’d have support and understanding from my community when in reality it was the opposite. Sometimes I feel like if it ever happened to me again, I would actually end my life. I don’t know if I could go through this whole process again.

So yes, that’s why it’s isolating. That’s why it’s so painful; why “just report it” is bullshit. If you haven’t been through something like this, don’t even pretend to understand. You will lose friends. You will be isolated and ostracized from communities you thought could support you. You will watch people repost essays about supporting victims on their social media turn around and blame you for your own abuse. You will watch people use sexual harassment and abuse in ship wars about fictional characters and then participate in your real life abuse. People will make fun of your sexual abuse. People will tell you your sexual abuse is hot. People will tell you that they understand, then side with your abuser anyway, after you’ve already opened up to them.

That’s the reality. Why is it this way? I don’t know. I think a lot of it is deeply ingrained misogyny, which is why I think it’s so so important to recognize and call out the misogyny intertwined in our culture and communities. It’s what creates the environment that allows this to happen and isolated victims from each other.

This is rambling, I know, but I’m getting frustrated by some of these anons spouting off about something they clearly know nothing about. Stop treating it like some easy thing that just goes away and that people actually care about sexual trauma and victims. They don’t.

[captainsophiestark]

Hades and Persephone

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written as an early bonus round of my Year of Olympians, inspired by @dawn-petrichor-world​ who wanted to see one for Hades! This is a pretty loose interpretation of my own Hades prompt tbh, but the vibes were there and I stand by it.

Fandom: Marvel

Prompt: Hades; the underworld (sort of), the Hades and Persephone myth (also sort of)

Summary: Y/N grew up with Pietro and Wanda, and has been in love with Wanda for most of their life. They never said anything, however, especially not after losing Pietro and watching Wanda fall for someone else. Now, however, five years after the Snap (and five years after the reader retreated from the world), Wong shows up to get Y/N's help because Wanda's about to move on the Sanctum as The Scarlet Witch, and Y/N might be the only one who can stop her.

Word Count: 4,242

Category: Angst, Fluff

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

I took a deep breath, the fresh air and the smell of all my flowers relaxing me like it always did. The sun shone down on me and all my lovely plants, and the soft sound of the ocean crashing on the beach just a few feet from me helped add to the air of serenity.

An air that was currently being blown apart by a certain sorcerer I hadn't seen in a few years.

"What are you doing here, Strange?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed and not turning from my spot, legs crossed as I sat peacefully amongst my plants. I was still pretty sure this was an illusion, and no matter how annoying I found the sorcerer, I didn't want the dream shattered before it had to be. "I've gotten pretty good at chasing off ghosts like you, so consider your next action carefully."

"What makes you think I'm not real?" came the familiar voice of my former friend. I scoffed, a sharp pang shooting through my chest. I knew better than to answer. Borderline-corporeal memories like him had haunted me for at least a year after the Snap, despite how hard I worked to get past them. Even once I'd mostly gotten rid of them, they still showed up every so often.

They were pretty objectively bad for me, which is why I'd worked so hard to stop imagining them as often as I did. Still, they were some of the last remnants of all the friends I'd lost in the Snap, so sometimes, I found it hard to want to make them leave.

"I know for a fact that you're dead and gone, Strange," I said, sighing heavily. I shouldn't be responding, but this was one of those times I couldn't stop myself. "Along with some other people I can't seem to stop missing."

"Like Wanda Maximoff?"

My eyes snapped open, the sharp pang in my chest turning into a massive, painful knife. I'd grown up with Wanda Maximoff, and her brother Pietro. Pietro had been my best friend, and Wanda had been the love of my life. We'd gone through hell together in the hands of Hydra, which is where I'd gotten my significant nature powers. We'd joined the Avengers, and under the urgings of Pietro, I'd been working up the courage to confess my feelings for his sister. And then Pietro had died.

Wanda and I both had our worlds rocked by the loss, and instead of coming together over it, we grew further apart. She found love with the Vision, a new superhero the Avengers had picked up around the same time they'd picked us up, and even though I wanted to be happy for her, I couldn't help feeling like I'd lost her too.

And then, I really did lose her. After Wanda disappeared in the Snap, along with most of the other people I'd gotten close to, I almost broke. I needed to get somewhere that I could heal, and to do that, I needed to leave the superhero world behind me. So, I did.

With Wong's help (since Strange was gone), I faked my death and disappeared. Maybe a little dramatic, but at that point, I was in survival mode. Ever since, I'd been here, on a remote island with a small community who knew nothing about me as a global superhero, and nothing about what I'd lost. By some miracle, it seemed to be the only village on Earth unaffected by the snap, which is why Wong recommended it to me when he agreed to help with my plan. For the past five years, I'd been healing and living peacefully in my new community, adjusting to my new world and finding things to help ground me.

The number one thing that threatened that sense of grounding continued to be memories of Wanda, my lost soulmate. And if this Strange hallucination was trying to bring her up, I knew I really needed to block him out and shut him down before he could ruin all the progress I'd made.

I didn't respond to Strange's question about Wanda. I kept my eyes shut and breathed deeply, focusing on blocking out the presence behind me.

"Y/N?"

I took another breath in, focusing on the beautiful smell of all my flowers around me and feeling my connection to them.

"Y/N. Wanda needs your help."

I breathed out through my nose, a little more harshly than I necessarily wanted to. "You are not real. And I am not letting you rule my life."

I heard not-Strange sigh from behind me, and then a second later, I was falling.

My eyes flew open but all I could see around me was darkness. Then, a circular light opened below me, and before I could brace myself I landed hard on the deck I'd been sitting on moments before, at the feet of Doctor Stephen Strange.

None of my hallucinations had ever been able to do that.

"I don't have time to beat around the bush on this one, Y/N. Wong told me where I could find you. I need your help." Slowly, I tilted my head back to look up at Strange. The real Strange. He didn't look even a little bit guilty about the bruises he'd definitely given me, which was the final clue that told me he was completely real, and not an idealized version I'd made up in my mind. "Wanda needs your help."

With those few words, I was on my feet in an instant. If Strange was back... then somehow, that probably meant...

"You better explain yourself right the hell now, Strange," I said, trying to stay calm despite all the emotions rushing through me as I looked at my friend. My plants grew and moved around me, an expression of the explosion I was trying to keep on lockdown.

"Stark and crew managed to reverse the snap," he said. "We all came back about a year ago, but everyone thought you were dead, so no one came to tell you."

The world shifted under my feet. I swayed, a few of my plants growing to my aid and helping to keep me standing. It only got worse as Strange continued, filling me in on the events of the last year.

As I already knew, Vision was truly dead, not Snap-dead, which meant he hadn't come back with everyone else. Wanda had apparently lost it since she'd come back, taking an entire town hostage in her effort to deal with her grief. And now, in an effort to get to her children who she'd conjured in a magical new reality that apparently actually existed in every universe except ours, she was going after a teen named America who had the power to travel between timelines.

"As you already know, she's one of the most powerful people in the world," finished Strange. "And right now, she's getting more than a little scary in her determination to use any means necessary to get what she wants."

"And you're sure she's going to... hurt this America kid? To kill her?" I asked, hearing the shake in my own voice. My world had been shattered in the past few minutes, but if what Strange said was true (and he had no reason to lie to me), we didn't have a moment to waste while I tried to deal with it.

"I'm sure," he said. "She can't be allowed to go into another universe. Extended crossover between them has, apparently, catastrophic effects. So America can't give her what she wants. In order for Wanda to take it, she has to kill America. And she's made it clear that's exactly what she's planning to do."

I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath in before slowly blowing it out. I couldn't believe Wanda would really do something like that, but at the same time, I knew how close I came to almost breaking when I lost her, after losing Pietro and feeling so, so alone. She'd lost everyone.

"Alright, let's do this," I said, opening my eyes and looking at Strange again. "Use your magic and take me to her."

"I'm bringing you to Kamar-Taj," he said as he began the process of opening a sling portal. "We're fortifying the Sanctum against Wanda to protect America. You're our first option, I'm our second, and the defenders of Kamar-Taj are our third."

I frowned. "I hope you know I'm not going to help you fight Wanda, Strange."

"If everything goes according to plan, it won't come to that."

Before I could ask anything else, he stepped through the portal and straight into the heart of Kamar-Taj. I followed him, sparing one glance over my shoulder for the lovely little place I'd called home for the past five years.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too long before I was back, ideally with Wanda in-tow.

***************

After a hello and hug with Wong and a quick introduction to America, there was nothing left for me to do but wait. Strange and everyone else kept building up their fortifications, all while I stood on one of the balconies and watched for Wanda to appear.

I started to think she wouldn't come. That Strange had blown things horribly out of proportion, and that Wanda wasn't anywhere near the scary, dangerous place he'd said she was in. And then, just when I was going to march into the courtyard and tell Strange he'd overreacted (and that I was going to find Wanda myself), a storm encircled Kamar-Taj.

"Y/L/N!" hollered Strange from the courtyard. "Get down here!"

"On my way!"

Despite my words, I stayed at the balcony for a second longer, watching as Wanda rose out of the clouds and smoke crackling around her. I'd never seen her use her powers like this, although I wasn't surprised she had the ability. She'd always been the strongest of us, and it was a little aweing to see.

Once I snapped out of my initial shock, I took off like a shot for the courtyard. I passed groups of sorcerers waiting to fight back if the worst should happen, then made it outside to where Strange waited in the middle of the courtyard, surrounded by other defenses.

"Alright, I'll magnify your voice," he said as I came to a stop beside him. "You just talk."

"What? Strange, what do you want me to say?"

"I don't care. Just whatever you think will be enough-"

Before he could finish his instructions, Wanda's voice came booming over the sanctum instead. Her eyes scanned the defenders and eventually landed on Wong on the balcony, without seeing me or Strange.

"Surrender America Chavez to me now, and I'll leave without harming any of you," she said. My heart sped up a bit at the realization that Strange was right; she was here for a fight, and clearly willing to go through Strange and all our other friends to get what we wanted. "You have two minutes, and then the Scarlet Witch will do what must be done."

"Wanda..." I breathed, staring up at the love of my life. Apparently Strange had cast his magnification spell without me noticing, because as soon as the breathy word left my mouth, her head snapped around to look at me.

We made eye contact, and the world stopped spinning. My heart hammered in my chest as the rest of the people around us, all the sorcerers readying for a fight, completely disappeared. All that mattered was the woman before me, staring at me like she couldn't quite believe I was real.

Which, I suppose, was fair, since I had faked my death.

After a few seconds, slowly, Wanda started floating towards the ground. She looked shocked and maybe even a little devastated, and as she got closer and closer to the ground (and to my reach), I started coming back to reality.

"Open the gates," I said, talking to Strange without taking my eyes off of Wanda. My voice didn't boom across the courtyard, so I assumed he must have dropped the magnification spell.

"Y/N, I can't do that-"

"I said, OPEN the GATES," I said, whirling to face him at last. He just stared back at me, clearly unmoved.

"We fortified this whole place to keep her out, I'm not just going to-"

I didn't let him finish his sentence before I took off for the gates in a dead sprint. Wanda had just dipped out of sight in her slow float towards the ground. None of the guards moved to stop me, probably because they didn't think I'd be able to get out without a little Mystic Arts magic of my own.

They had no idea who they were dealing with.

As I approached the gate, I lifted my arms like I'd done so many times before leaving the Avengers, dragging up any and all plants around the gate as I did. They grew and grew and grew, and then, with a forceful flick of my wrist, they slammed into the gate, half-knocking it off its hinges. I pulled my arms back hard, towards my body and then past and behind me even as I kept running, and the plants responded, finishing the task of ripping off the door completely.

I heard scattered gasps and cries of outrage, but I ignored them all as I kept running. Within a few more seconds, I made it outside the sanctum of Kamar-Taj, just as Wanda touched down a few feet ahead of me.

I stopped running, opting for a calmer, more cautious approach now. I could hear the sorcerers working to put the gates back behind me, but I blocked them all out. Wanda stood before me, staring at me like she wasn't quite sure what to do with herself. I gave her a small smile and started cautiously walking towards her.

Flowers broke through the ground beneath my feet, giving me a soft, beautiful path to Wanda. A few of the flowers grew up around her ankles, softly grounding her to the world and to me (at least, I hoped it would).

I came to a stop a few inches in front of Wanda, and despite the incredible, powerful rage she'd been in when I'd first seen her, she now looked completely deflated. She started at me, apparently too stunned to speak as I slowly reached out and took her hands in mine, then at last met her green eyes.

"Wanda," I breathed, a slow smile creeping onto my face despite the current situation. After five long years, she was standing in front of me again. It was real.

"Y/N..." she finally said, speaking for the first time since she'd seen me. Her grip tightened slightly on my hands, but she didn't drop them or step away, which I took as a good sign. "How is this possible? Is this... real?"

She raised an eyebrow and looked a little more critically at our joined hands before looking over her shoulder at Strange. Her awe had started to wear off, and I could tell she was rapidly starting to believe this was some kind of hallucination.

"Wan... I swear to you, it's real. I'm real."

"How can I be sure of that?" she asked, her voice taking on a new, more scary and angry quality to it. "How can I know you're real?"

"I have a visceral memory and a scar nobody else but you and Piet have ever seen from your seventeenth birthday when you thought it would be a good idea to surprise Pietro with a birthday cake so we snuck into the back of that combination bakery and butcher's shop and-"

"Okay! Okay, I... I believe you," she said, a small smile at last tugging at the edges of her lips. She held my hands more softly and tenderly now than she had before, and even tugged me a little closer to her. "But that just brings us back to... how?"

I sighed, then started explaining everything to her, bit by bit. What it felt like to lose her, and how it broke me. How I decided to leave, and how I'd done such a good job of it I hadn't known the people had come back from the Snap until a few hours ago.

"But Wanda, I swear, if I'd known a second sooner I would've come racing back to you. I'm so sorry it took me so long to find you again," I said, squeezing her hands for extra emphasis. She'd looked away from me towards the beginning of my story, staring at the flowers that continued to bloom around us, presumably trying to process all the new information. I stayed silent once my story finished, waiting for her response.

"I missed you, Y/N," she said at last, pulling me in for a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling a weight off my shoulders as we held each other close. After a moment, however, I felt her tense, and I couldn't help thinking it had something to do with Strange and all his people gathering behind me.

"Wanda..." I whispered, pulling back to look at her and simultaneously willing a wall of flowers up behind me, to help hide Wanda from the stress of the situation. She kept her hands resting on my waist as I reached up to take her face in my hands. "Focus on me."

Slowly, she did, her eyes sliding from the people behind us and back to meet mine. She looked on the verge of breaking, but I did my best to anchor her here, instead of wherever her mind was threatening to run off to.

"Wanda. Tell me what's happening."

"I have to find my boys. They exist in every universe but this one, I... I have to find them."

I nodded slowly. Strange had told me as much, but I'd rather hear it from Wanda than anyone else.

"Are you completely sure they're not here? No version of them whatsoever?" I asked. She nodded slowly, seeming less stable with every movement. I stroked my thumb along her cheek, and it seemed to help a little. "How do you know?"

Wanda hesitated for half a second, then met my eyes with a renewed strength and confidence, in me as much as herself.

"I consulted the Dark Hold."

"The what? Wanda, tell me you're not talking about that crazy witchy book we heard legends about, that we heard Hydra scientists whispering about like it could kill them at the mere mention of its name?"

"The very same."

I closed my eyes and sighed, honestly unable to help myself. When I opened them again, Wanda didn't seem any less discouraged, but she was also clearly waiting for me to say something else. We were in this together now, one way or another.

"Wanda... do you still have the book?"

In answer, she took one hand off my hip and conjured the book in thin air. I stared at it, tempted to reach for it and huck it as far away from her as I could get it, but I resisted.

"Can I make a suggestion, then?" I asked. Wanda looked a little hesitant, but nodded all the same. "Okay, you have to promise to hear me all the way out."

"This feels like the time you convinced me to steal our asshole neighbor's truck for a joyride under the guise of our own version of justice..." she said, raising an eyebrow at me. I laughed and grinned back, slipping one of my own arms around Wanda's waist and pulling her a bit closer to me.

"Yeah, it does feel kind of like that," I said. She rolled her eyes, but I caught her with a smile on her face all the same. "Alright, here's what I'm thinking: What if you give the Dark Hold to the Mystic Arts people?"

"Y/N-!" Wanda looked outraged and started to take a step back, but I held a little tighter to her waist and held up my other hand to show I meant no harm.

"Wan, you promised! I just think, based on everything we heard about that thing... it might not be a bad idea to try looking without the influence of the Dark Hold. You and I can search the world for them, or for any trace of them or how we might bring them to be, independent of that thing's influence."

"...And if we fail?" she asked. The hesitation was enough to give me hope that she might actually be slightly open to my suggestion.

"If we fail, I'll help you do what it takes to get to them," I replied. Wanda raised an eyebrow, so I continued. "Preferably by peaceful, negotiating means. But... otherwise by any means necessary."

Now both eyebrows shot up. Wanda looked at me for a few minutes, but didn't break my stare. I held it confidently. She was the love of my life; I had faith that my strategy would prevail, but if it didn't, I was more than willing to go to the ends of the Earth for and with her.

"Why would you do that for me?" she finally asked. I couldn't help huffing a laugh as I looked away, before looking back to Wanda again.

"Do you seriously need me to explain the reason? I love you." Wanda blinked a few times, so I continued. "I've loved you our entire lives, Wanda. You're my best friend and... and you're the love of my life."

She just stared at me for a few beats, and I felt awkward enough that I spoke again.

"Of course, I don't expect you to feel the same way, and I'm sorry if I-"

I stopped short when Wanda's free hand moved from my waist to carefully caress my cheek. Her expression softened into a loving, sympathetic look I'd seen her give me a few times, but this one somehow felt a little different. She leaned in, and I didn't move an inch as she placed the softest, lightest kiss to my lips before pulling back, a warmer expression than I'd seen all day on her face.

"I love you too," she said, giving me a soft smile. One of the first I'd seen from her in a long, long time. "I'll always love you."

I smiled back at her, butterflies and fireworks exploding in my chest. I knew she was still healing, so I didn't push anything, just gave her a little squeeze with the hand still around her waist. After another second, she held the Dark Hold out to me. Carefully, I took it out of her hand, then took a step backwards. Wanda nodded to me, communicating without words that she'd wait, and I turned around.

By now, the flowers I'd started sprouting for privacy had grown into a full wall of vines. With a few gestures from my one raised free hand, I gave myself a path to the Sanctum walls. As soon as it opened, everyone within the Sanctum froze and stared at me. Strange stood in the front, Wong just to his side, everyone else waiting right behind for them to break through the vines. Every single one of them looked ready to fight.

"What's wrong with all of you?" I asked, walking forward calmly and confidently. Strange tensed, but didn't make a move to attack.

"You need to be careful with that book, Y/N," he said, tension in every word and line of his body. I rolled my eyes.

"Obviously. Which is why I'm bringing it to you. You do remember that you're the ones that brought me here, right?"

Strange looked confused as I came to a stop in front of him, then shoved the book into his chest. He took it all the same, and Wong gave me a small smile as I walked back a step.

"Wanda and I are going to leave," I announced, raising my voice to address the Sanctum at large. "We're going to go spend some time figuring things out. And absolutely no one is going to follow us."

The vines tightened a little around the Sanctum walls at my word. I held both hands down by my hips, fingers splayed out, controlling the vines and making sure everyone in that Sanctum remembered just how powerful I was. After a few moments, I felt Wanda approaching from behind me. I reached back and she took my hand, and with a little magic from her, we levitated into the air, my vines and her storm fading back to normalcy around the Sanctum as we left.

I could see the slight fear on the faces of Wong and especially Strange as we headed off together. They were worried, and maybe rightfully so, that they'd just created an even bigger threat by reuniting me and Wanda.

But I loved her, more than anyone else in the world. It would take some time, for both of us, to figure things out. But I knew in my heart that our love could and would overcome every single other hurdle that came our way, for the rest of our lives.

We'd both lost everything and everyone we'd ever cared about. Now that we'd found our way back to each other again, nothing would ever tear us apart. We'd face the world and then some, together.

****************

Taglist: @valkyriepirate​

[bakugos-wifey]

Veil of Trust

I don’t know why I keep writing to you. Maybe it’s because I need to feel like someone else knows what I’m going through. But I haven’t heard back from you. I wonder if you’re receiving these letters at all, or if they’ve gotten lost, like me. Still, it’s the only way I can get this out, the only way I can make sense of what’s happening.

Last night, I finally said something to Sebastian. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him it was strange how he stood over me while I slept, how it made me feel watched, vulnerable in a way that I couldn’t quite put into words. I didn’t mention the cold, the way his presence clings to the room long after he’s gone.

His response? As smooth and polite as ever. He bowed his head slightly, his crimson eyes gleaming in the dim light of my apartment. “Very well, my lady. I shall no longer stay in your presence while you sleep.” Then, he smiled.

It’s so strange, that smile. It should be unsettling — there’s something predatory behind it — yet it’s comforting at the same time. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like he’s both dangerous and safe, all at once. Yin and yang, perfectly balanced in one figure. I suppose I should have been relieved, but his compliance unnerved me. There was something too easy about it. As if he already knew what I was going to say, as if he’d been waiting for me to break the silence.

The strangest part? After that conversation, I slept better than I have in days. No more waking up with a sense of dread. No more feeling his eyes on me. And now, I’m not afraid anymore. In fact… I think I trust him. I trust him with my life, with my soul. It’s crazy, I know. But he’s been so good to me — so loyal, so attentive. There’s a part of me that wants to believe I’m safe with him.

But deep down, I know better. I can feel it, like a sliver of ice lodged in the back of my mind. This trust isn’t real. It’s a trick, a veil he’s thrown over me to make me feel secure. I know it, and yet… I can’t bring myself to care. It’s easier this way. To just let him in, to let him protect me.

I don’t know what that says about me. Maybe I’ve lost myself. Or maybe I’m just… tired.

I wish you were here, to tell me I’m being ridiculous, to pull me back to reality. But for now, I’ll keep trusting him. It feels… inevitable, somehow.

With love, Ari

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT/VENT:

Umm so I haven’t been too active, life’s been manageable and my grades are actually doing amazing so I now will give myself a small break. But with the fastpass and yes I will vaguely talk about it because this has to hurt more than ever for me.

I am going to let it out and just say that I absolutely hate Lore Olympus. I have no tolerance for it anymore and I deeply despise it, and before anyone tries to come at me I have every fucking right to especially after this stupid ass fast pass with Demeter. This entire comic has been the most invalidating experience I’ve ever had to witness in my life, it is an insult to my youth, an insult to my feminism, an insult to my community, an insult to my culture, my trauma, and even my identity as a whole. I’ve been really quiet about it because I’m used to people stepping all over me and completely disrespecting me but I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has made me more sick than reading all of this.

Now you may be wondering why I say all of this in the first place and I’ll tell you. I’ve been informed (MAJOR SPOILER SO PLEASE JUST SKIP THIS) that Demeter gets manipulated into having sex with Zeus and shes obviously heartbroken and feels taken advantaged of yet the whole narrative of the situation still paints her as a fucking villain. I’m going to be a little personal with this but the reason why I have such a huge issue with this is because this is the exact same thing that happened with my mother, unfortunately she was coerced and manipulated into having sex with her then boyfriend which in turn got her pregnant (with me) and made him furious, he wanted to abort me while my mother refused to do so so he started harassing my family until he finally got arrested. To see this exact same situation be played in a way that Demeter isn’t the victim and she’s just bitter and jealous when this obvious traumatic thing happened to her makes me sick to my damn stomach. This stuff happens to real people all the time Rachel you cannot just handle these things with such ignorance all the fucking time, you can’t just say your comic validates trauma when you’ve belittled one of the most fucked up shit you can do to a person.

Then to top it off the comments are no better, they’re all victim blaming and incredibly insensitive. I’ve seen people literally call Demeter a bitch in her own story about her own fucking trauma, they’ve said that it was her fault, that she should’ve known better, that she shouldn’t have trusted Zeus. All of these things have been said to my mother as well, every last phrase has been said to my mother and it’s gotten to a point where she blames herself for the situation. There’s genuinely no words to describe how incredibly angry I am, I’m so just over everything with this comic and I want people to understand how harmful things like this are. I don’t have any real words except that I’m sorry to everyone who’ve ever been through something similar, if you had to read any of those comments I’m so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry to my mother as well because the same people who have been invalidating her and blaming her for her own trauma are continuing their fucking rounds with stuff like this.

People like that genuinely make me sick. How are you going to blame anyone for trauma or traumatic situations that happened to THEM, what the hell did you not fucking learn about this??? You’ve watched Persephone going through all of this stuff and literally suffering and you’ve seen how much of an emotional toll it’s had on her yet after seeing all the struggle that it puts people through you still decide to say stupid shit like that. What makes all of this even worse is if this was Persephone or Hades no one would’ve said a thing, everyone would’ve been supported and validated her whole experience yet if it’s any other form of trauma that they don’t count as important or even relevant they’ll dismiss it and belittle it. I’m so sick of this shit, at some point Rachel is going to have to get involved she’s always proclaiming how mentally aware Lore Olympus is and she has nothing to show for it you can do something now by actually calling out your horrendous fans (obviously the ones I brought up) for their disgusting actions.

[leighlew3]

I've been thinking about this a bit lately, and there was a small misunderstanding when I dipped my toe (and then whole body 😂) into the SC / SG fandom, i.e. a few people unfortunately thinking I was trying to mislead or exploit fans in some way, because of others from this industry who used and lied to fans in the past re: a different show. And while that was unfair to paint me with the same brush without knowing me, I can understand where they could’ve had concerns because of wounds caused by others.

Hopefully people understand by now though that wasn’t the case. As I’ve said so many times before, if nobody around here ever consumes anything I write? Cool beans! But I’m both a professional in this industry and a lifelong fan girl and that’s not gonna change. And I’m going to talk about both my career and fandom stuff. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I do hope people know by now that I’m here for the right reasons, and always have been. And I always will be. But if I ever did anything that made it come across otherwise — I truly apologize. I mean it, seriously. Any misunderstandings that I might’ve inadvertently caused through making a dumb math joke or expressing that fans should always have hope and fight for what they believe in, etc — if it upset anybody in any way or wasn’t expressed properly by me at the time — I feel awful.

While I can’t do anything about a couple people who twisted my words or intentions or even flat out lied about stuff being said or done that never happened — I do want to own any part I had in it by not more quickly clarifying or shutting that stuff down. I really do feel bad about all that, because all I’ve ever wanted to do was show love and be understood and connect with people and fight for the ship and fandom, and I’ve done that online (and behind the scenes in ways that I can’t even talk about) for years now.

I adore y’all, and I will always be a Supercorp fan. I’ve always been (brutally) honest and an open book, but I’ve also just been passionate (and sometimes sadly misunderstood) by the occasional little pocket of people. And that sucks. But I don’t hold it against them, and I hope nobody holds that stuff against me.

I'm posting this now, because after losing my mom this year and with the holidays coming up, I've been reflecting a lot. And I realize that life is too short for grudges or misunderstandings that can be corrected or made amends for, so I hope people know that I love y’all and appreciate y’all and any past minor conflicts or accidental misunderstandings — even if it was just with a few people — really sucked, and I hope there can be mutual forgiveness.

Anyway, I don’t expect everybody to like me or agree with my perspectives, or even approve of how I go about expressing myself. But we can’t control anybody else in life. All we can do is control ourselves, self reflect, and work towards growth. Thus, if I ever did anything to make anybody — even just 2 or 3 or 10 people — feel any kind of negative way, that's a big oops on my end, and I'm sorry.

And if some of those people still feel like it was entirely justified to target me so intensely the way they did — hey, bygones and I forgive it — and I still want to offer nothing but love and hope that the future brings better things for us all. For real.

TLDR: The last 5-ish years on a personal level have been incredibly difficult, and the last 6+ months have been emotional hell, but the ship between Kara/Lena and the SC fandom as a whole has been there for me in the most incredible of ways (through humor and fan art and fanfiction and friendships and lions and tigers and bears). And I’ve tried to be there in return, as much as humanly possible, and as authentically as possible.

And that’s why the little percentage that didn't like or trust me — I hope we can metaphorically hug it out and move forward and I hope I’ve made some progress in your perception of me over time, but even if not — or hell, if it’s gotten worse for some reason, I’m going to continue to show love and support towards this ship / fandom and fight for our LGBTQ community. Because I truly care. Even if I’m human and make some mistakes along the way, past or future. Even if people misunderstand me sometimes.

All I can do is my best. And that’s all I’ve ever tried to do...

Love y’all. 💜

P.S. If you’d like to chat or seek to be unblocked or whatever, send me a message via a burner or on Instagram DM or somethin’ and we’ll chitty chat and hopefully hug it out. I’m down. Cheers. 🤙

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream sorry this is a long one, feel free to answer

so recently I’ve been trapped in the past, I’ve made so many mistakes and so many stupid things I regret them so much, recently a mutual unfollowed me and I’m 100% it’s because of an old friend. we had a terrible falling out we both equally made mistakes and I’ve been working and changing myself from mine , moving on and reflecting from my past actions. I’ve gotten better yet I feel like others still talking about me to my friends will make everyone leave and their my best friends. I feel like a huge failure or even irredeemable

and I’m afraid everyone I love will leave me. I hate my past I wanna be better and so nobody needs to ever get mad or point out any bad behavior. I never wanna be a stressor

I’ve never done non dual to get something out off, never ever. but I always let go and trust god in situations , which help me and as I trusted it it always works out , god always plans the perfect outcome even if the process is a bundle of tears.

but how do you deal with situations where you jay need to let go and trust god? I tend to get so paranoid and the thought of “what if this is different? and it ends up worse” what helps you really calm down and be able to trust. your advice has always made a difference in my life

sorry if this is a trauma dump you are nobodies . Your advice for your another anons have helped me so much. feel free to answer if wanted. thank you for everything dream.

hewwo <3

it seems to me that although you think youre working on yourself a lot, you also just won't let go of what has happened, who you "were" and what you experienced back then. and you hold those beliefs a lot on others. you see people as something to be afraid of, something that could hurt you. something that is against you. and like that, you have this experience of people being such.

nothing could end up worse, thats the hardest pill to swallow. even in my darkest times, facing what i thought was my deepest fears at the time, i always survived and yet, i always looked back happily at what passed. because if someone is like that towards you, its best to let them free. if you are truly working on you, and forgiving yourself, and showing up in a better way... are they truly friends if they walk away from you easily? if everyone made mistakes, why arent you allowed to?

more than anything you have to truly let go and trust and stop trying to control the others in this situation. but i understand you a lot, when there's so much fear it becomes paralyzing, its not that easy to simply remember there is love and there is god and everything is okay. because in fact, it feels like nothing but that suffocating fear is real, and so you may act from that.

i think in those situations, all you can do is breathe. and little by little find ways to return to yourself again, to return to love. its not going to be overnight nor easy, but its a start. its a way. remember that true love does not judge, so stop judging yourself but also stop accepting that judgment from others, friends or not.

i hope this is somewhat helpful and you find yourself feeling relieved soon <3

[boozles]

Things are a bit rough at home right now. I don’t really know why I’m even posting about it. My mum has poor physical and mental health and I’m her full time carer. Every few months to a year, she has a psychotic episode filled with delusions and it’s really fucking rough. Over the years I’ve gotten a little tougher about it but it really does a number on my own mental health. Because of mum’s health, my life is stunted and I rarely get to be who I really want to be; I just always feel like I’m waiting on the next episode to happen. My only happiness is that my little brother got out and lives with his fiancee and doesn’t need to witness it first hand.

My mum is a beautiful soul, and she doesn’t deserve this. Yes, she fucked up in the past and her body and brain seem to be paying the price, but. It’s horrible watching someone you love be terrified and act completely out of the ordinary. It’s frustrating being unable to convince them they’re safe and none of it is real. This time it’s a bit scary because it seems very religiously focused, which has never happened before.

I’m just. I’m allowing myself a moment of selfishness. I HATE living like this. I’m an adult, I shouldn’t be living in fear of my mother’s mental health taking a dip. I shouldn’t be trying to fit my life into a little tidy box forever all because I want to ‘keep the peace’ for lack of a better phrase. I’ve quit college several times to look after her, and gave up my spot at one of my countries best universities. And I’d do it again, I love her and I will always try to help her, but shouldn’t I be able to live my life without constantly having this nagging fear at the back of my mind that she could fall into delusions again? I’ve been here cared on and off for about 17 years, shouldn’t I be able to make my own path?

I guess I just want to breathe. It seems like the only time I feel any kind of freedom is when I’m asleep or lost in one of my dramas. (Blessings on my favourite boys for giving me little moments of peace.)

I might delete this later. I think I just needed to get it out somewhere that wasn’t a text message. I don’t actually expect anyone to read it, because I get that it can be a bit awkward when someone shares something and it’s out of the ordinary.

I just want to sleep and wake up in a different life for a change.

[sisterofficerlucychen]

1, 2, 8, 23, 30, 35, 42, 45, 49

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

probably time, curious time that is specifically lighthearted and fluff

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

angst, fluff, idiots in love — lmao, yes. i think for the most part i’ll either write about angst or fluff or both. and the idiots in love well they were idiots in love for a hot sec there lol.

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

the archer, taylor swift — so you actually put this idea in my head ♡ you answered a question a few weeks back about what song you associated with tim and it just fits so perfectly??? i can just picture each line being different points in his life from childhood, marriage falling apart, pushing everyone away, lucy breaking down those walls, etc. and his mind frame during these periods in time.   

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

an actual multi-chaptered story lmao. i’ve technically successfully finished one but it was a 5+1 so i don’t count it as a multi-chapter. i just want to write a story from start to finish because the idea are in my head, words are just hard to get out sometimes (most times) 😭 

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?   

smut!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my goodness this is a freaking art. i’ve dabbled~~ but i haven’t fully written out a smut scene because it’s so hard??? i literally have a wip that is the last chapter to a fic that i’m struggling to finish because i’ll write, read it over, and then second guess myself lol. it’s affected my approach to writing in being conscious of the balance that a spicy scene needs? like when i think of the ones that i enjoy reading the most, they’re ones where feelings and emotions support the technicality of the action written.  

35. What aspects of your writing are completely unlike your real life?

any that deal with engagement/marriage/kids. i haven’t experienced any of that yet so writing it sometimes is a bit out of my element because i don’t really have a frame of reference for it except what i’ve seen with others and what i hope for. 

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

i think any comment that has something quoted back and why it stood out to the person reading or how it made them feel is just ♡♡♡ part of what i’ve always loved about storytelling is seeing what resonates with others, it's always really cool to see.

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?

dialogue. i’m looking back at what i’ve written and it wasn’t until the fourth fic i posted that i included a conversation between two characters haha. it’s still something that at times does feel challenging especially trying to capture different voices with the right cadence but i think i’ve gotten better at maintaining the pacing of a conversation and how it ties into the general flow of the fic. 

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

this will be for hold onto me 'cause i'm a little unsteady from lucy’s perspective with thinking about her own parental trauma and the fears that come from it

She hates how much of her life they’re missing out on because they can’t be proud of the daughter they have. Something she ultimately learned to accept upon finally having someone wholeheartedly believe in her. While every move and decision she makes is seen as a failure in their eyes, Tim sees the opposite; he taught her what it was to be believed in, provides the reassurance that she could never disappoint him, reminds her that she’s enough just by being who she is and how he loves her for it. 

[neu-apostolisch]

i feel like the conversation gets derailed when people hyperfocus on "but it's an interesting plot!” and bg3 the game, when the point—at least the one that was originally made in the complaints on here—was that it was odd that they agreed that him ending it all in Act 3 was The Right Ending, and the implications that has when you consider how they treat gale versus all the other characters, as well as how they use their treatment of their characters to make comments about those social issues in real life. people weren't upset that they were presented with that rp choice or that such an ending even exists for him; they were upset by the comments of the creators and how they would never say such a thing for gale's mirror, aka a certain vampire. you brought up good arguments to that anon and i don't mean to discount either of your statements i really don't, but people were upset by what the creators specifically said which was yeah in many ways that is the right ending. sorry for continuing to discourse and vent in your inbox lol this isn't directed at you i just liked reading your thoughts so far because you said it better than i could have. i just really don't like how "but it's interesting and not every story has to be happy" and "you're just too attached to gale" get thrown out as rebuttals when that's really neither here nor there and doesn't address the actual issue being raised.

hello! thanks for your thoughts. and yeah, the discourse on this topic has gotten pretty…difficult to engage with, in a sense. that’s what prompted my first post on the topic actually—eagle eyed readers of my posts might find another one where i complained about the discourse only to follow up with a long winded treatise lolol. but i did it because i felt the conversation was lacking a specific viewpoint, so be the change you want to see in the world and all that. i’ve actually really appreciated the responses from everyone on the post/follow up! :)

as a proud galemancer i deeply feel the frustration of all of us. on a personal level, this sucks. i love our wizard boy and he deserves better! the complaints and anger make sense to me. the writers treating him so glibly is rough, but before i talk about it i always try to remind myself of what IS there—which is a really interesting story about a gentleman with some complex flaws, motives, and goals. the writers talking about which ending is “right” cannot take that away, and you should feel comfortable disagreeing with the writers!

to my fellow gale enjoyers and galemancers—i would encourage you to maintain a critical lens but also to continue to enjoy and mine out the richness that is there. sure, that’s a rosy and maybe naive view, but don’t allow the frustration to infect your enjoyment of an amazing character. i am not saying to settle for less, but if you can’t think of gale without despairing at his treatment, you should step away from the conversation for a moment to refresh yourself before you get too stuck in the bog. it’s healthy to remind yourself why you’re here—because you think a wizard is really really cool. he’s got one of the most fulfilling and interesting romances in the game, the unique scenes with him are gorgeous, and he’s an incredible character.

i actually have additional criticisms about how they handled other characters in this game. it’s funny, but a common knee-jerk reaction people have when they read criticism of something is that the critic must not like the writing or the game, so they automatically jump in to argue on that point. on the contrary, a lot of criticism comes from a place of genuine support and appreciation for writing, game design, and narrative structure. but you’ll see a lot of backlash from people misinterpreting that idea or taking criticism personally, so that’s why i’m always careful to state my positives and that i truly love this game. it’s as much a reminder to me as it is a declaration to others. i’m not here because i want to hate on larian. i’m here because i want to chat about stuff to the internet machine and maybe people like you and the other anon(s) will say some interesting stuff back to me.

the right kind of discourse is actually healthy for a fandom because it keeps ideas flowing and circulating, and lets us commiserate together. however, i might just be relaxed because people have been really civil to me so far hahaha.

anyway, thanks again for your ask! hope you have a good one.

[chiveburger]

Hi Candice! I’ve been following you for ages now so it felt like in some way, we were navigating through life side by side but now I’ve gotten to my late twenties and….its not what I really expected. I hope this doesn’t make hard moments you’ve already gone through reopen and if it does I completely understand why you wouldn’t answer this but…how did you go about being unemployed for awhile? I’m starting to struggle mentally and I just need some sort of real guidance or words. My mom isn’t really making it easy either and I don’t expect it from her but it feels like she wants me to feel these negative emotions that are naturally connected to being jobless which kind of adds to my already pent up pressure I put on myself but yeah…Apart from that, I’m glad you still post and your vlogs are so cute. You’re like sunshine!

I'm very honored that you have followed me for so long, and feel open enough to ask me this question. I definitely look back at the time when I was unemployed, and actively avoiding the job market as something that was necessary to me as an individual. I'm sure you already know, but the novelty of not having a structure routine and not getting paid wears off quickly and it's very easy to delve into depression or negative emotions when times goes by. I stopped working for 2 years during covid, and when I started applying and looking again it was a very daunting hill to climb. I would feel dejected if I didn't get a job, but also conflicted when I did get an interview for something I felt overqualified for. I was stuck in this slump where I had things I wanted to do but not enough credentials. at the same time I wasn't putting enough time into my "hobbies" to really make it a career.

the first piece of advice I can give you, albeit tacky, is that you are absolutely not alone. the emotions you're feeling are justified, and it's not an easy place to be without a solid foundation of support both emotionally and financially. two little quotes that continues to help me through difficult periods of time is that "life is fluid" and "nothing you do is ever in vain." we're not always where we want to be, doing what we want to do, but things can change and things will get better. your life is not defined by the time that you're unemployed, and while it's hard to envision your future amidst darkness, the darkest hour is just before dawn. all the steps you're taking and decide to take will lead you to different opportunities and experiences, regardless of them being good or bad I implore you to reach out and try, no matter how scary because you'll never know what road it'll take you.

sometimes you are met with harsh words and critique about your choices but I look back on the ones that came from those who love me and wish better for me, and I thank them for not just consoling me but pulling me out of the hole I was stuck in. my best friend told me that she didn't want me to look back in regret, and to wait for an outcome I wasn't actively putting energy to. she told me to go home and write down what I wanted to do, curate a plan, and to do something everyday even if it was small. ultimately, it took a long time for me to open up to the idea of working again and I made a lot of excuses not to. I took up an offer for my current job close to 2 years ago without any expectations, and I've accomplished much more than I could've imagined. I know what path I want to take and how to get there, and I have a lot of people who believed in me, who praised me, who supported me to thank. In return, I can be the one to believe in you, to praise you, and to support you in your journey too.

I've been in the exact position that you're in and it's very hard, and there are many times where you'll feel very bad but please remember there will always be second chances, third chances, fourth chances. don't be afraid to apply to places outside of your comfort zone, and know that everytime you get rejected it's okay to feel defeated and unhappy. even the bad experiences will potentially lead you to the right people and the right place. so, don't give up because doors will always open for you, even the ones that are locked.

[yacinthi]

I’m angry.

a guy unfollowed me today when I posted a video from a concert. a video containing music of my liking. this guy’s rich and successful. he’s also my age which is strange.

we met at the club due to the fact that he hangs out with people that are ‘known’ and my best friend wanted to meet them. we do like to socialise. so she asked me ‘yacinthi, can you get us in their table ? can you get us to meet them ?’ I said ‘sure’. so I just went over there and asked for a cigarette. they ended up inviting us to an after party.

so we ended up meeting these guys. we stayed together for hours, talking. it felt like a social experiment. they were amazed by me and what I had to say. I did not take that as a compliment. why were they so surprised to come across a girl who’s both pretty and smart ? why wouldn’t I be intelligent ? by the end of the night I was even told I was the most interesting person in that room.

the guy I want to talk about seemed to be fascinated by me. always tried to start a conversation. always interested in what I was saying. we were in his house by the way. when almost everyone left, it was just me, him and his best pal - who was also really invested in our convos. when I decided to leave, the guy offered to get me a cab and asked for my social media.

we’ve been mutuals for some time and he’s always watching my posts. and even though I don’t usually care, I got really offended when I realised he’d unfollowed me right after I posted my concert experience.

I’m writing this as I’m trying to figure out why I got so frustrated.

when you add someone on social media you do not do it expecting to see what you want to see. you follow them because you appreciate them and you just let them be and use their social media presence how they like.

maybe I got mad because I didn’t even have fun at the concert so it seemed unfair to ‘ lose ’ someone over this. if it were a good one I don’t think I would’ve reacted like that. I’d probably think ‘ fuck him, I had the time of my life ’ but that was not the case.

does he feel superior because he’s rich and successful ? do I feel small compared to him ?

do I feel like I need to create a whole new personality for every single person that I meet just to get them to like me ? maybe. it’s never really a ‘new’ personality though. every single one of these versions is an already existing part of me.

and I don’t do it because of my need for attention. I just acknowledge the fact that life is easier when people like you. and I’ve gotten pretty good at it… but I do not wish to waste my precious energy to please others.

I’m a loner. I’m never in the mood to be with people. I always see socialising as a game in order to have fun.

do I feel like I should’ve done something different in order to keep this guy following me ? maybe. but that’s so dumb.

we did get along so well. it makes me angry that people are so superficial. does he think I’m not worthy of his attention ? and if that were true, why is it making me feel this way ? is it because I looked up to him and wished he did the same ?

I know he fascinates me. he obviously admires me. why would I want reassurance over this ?

do I see him as a superior ?

do I feel like I’m behind in life just because this guy is my age and allegedly self-made ?

my real problem is myself , not him. I’m expecting more from me.

he could be mad at me too. I never texted him to thank him for the taxi even though I wanted to. I never reached out. I told him I was seeing a guy I’m really interested in. so maybe he just wanted to be romantically involved with me and realised it was not going to happen. so it seemed pointless to keep following me. to keep appreciating my interests.

now I feel the need to prove myself to him. but I also do know it is stupid. another mind game.

he’s not better than me nor am I better than him. he doesn’t even like cinema or listen to music.

may he discover the beauty of art and may I start being active and making money.

I wish to remove the anger from within me. I wish to find peace. there’s no one to please but me.

it’s time to release.