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musings-of-a-rose · 2 years

Text

Light Me Up - Chapter 11/Epilogue

Pairing: Benjamin “Benny” Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 7000+

Rating: M for mature - 18+ only!

Warnings: Mature themes and some canon mentioned. Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: This is it. The final chapter. I can’t believe it’s time to say bye to Benny and Sparks. So I won’t! While this is the official end of their story, I will ALWAYS be open to asks, drabbles, one shots requests, etc because I’m never letting them go. Writing this fic is what started my love for Benny (and look at how far that’s gone!)

Thank you to each and every one of you who have read and reblogged, commented, etc on this fic. Words cannot express what that means to me.

**Originally I was going to post an optional epilogue in a separate post BUT I decided to combine it. It’s tacked on to the end of this one and will have a couple of tagged warnings for topics included. Be aware that you do not need to read the epilogue if it’s not your jam as there are no major plot points in it. I just wanted to write a little more!

**Reader is ethnicity inclusive despite stock photo bias

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

<<Chapter 10

Light Me Up Masterlist

Benny Masterlist

General Masterlist

“You know, I had that ring for a while,” Benny confesses as he pulls you closer to his side, sliding the blanket up a little higher on you both.

“You did?” Your head rests on Benny’s bare chest, your hand playing with his chest hair as you stare at the ring now adorning your left ring finger, a soft smile on your face.

“Yeah. Went out and bought it right after I told you about Will. I thought for sure you’d leave me after the way I treated you, but you didn’t. I knew then and there I wanted you in my life always. I just had Frankie hold the ring so I didn’t lose it.” He chuckles.

“Wait..Frankie knew before tonight?”

“Oh yeah. Since that day. Paili was in on it too, but not until tonight.”

“She was really good about not telling me, especially for a kid.”

“Well,” Benny reaches up and scratches the back of his head. “I actually had something planned. Much bigger. But then I just saw you at the bbq and we were surrounded by friends and I just…I couldn’t wait.”

Shifting your body, you look up and stare into his big, blue eyes. “It was perfect, Benny.”

He leans down to give you a soft kiss. “So…any thoughts as to when?”

“Hhhmm…I’m not partial to any specific time. You?”

Benny smirks. “Tomorrow?”

You slap his chest lightly and he yelps, chuckling at your response.

“Alrigh’, guess that’s a no on tomorrow.”

“Benny, I need my family there too. And so do you.”

“Can’t we just elope?”

“Do you really think either of our families would let us?”

Benny laughs. “Paili would definitely kill me.”

“After she was done killing me.”

Silence for a few moments before you speak.

“What about a smaller wedding? Meaning just close friends and family?”

“I love it. Makes it more personal.”

Benny clears his throat before speaking again.

“I was thinkin’...what if we rented out all those cabins? At that place you’ve always wanted to stay…Snug Harbor? Out in Washington State? Then we could get a vacation house on the west side with a water view for our honeymoon.”

Your head snaps up to his as you find his eyes. “You’re…serious?”

“I am.”

A giddy laugh escapes you as you sit up, straddling his lap and placing your hands on either side of his face.

“I can’t believe you remembered. I must have mentioned that way back when we first started dating.”

“I remember everything you tell me about yourself.”

Leaning forward, you kiss him, moaning when you feel his hand slide up your body. He breaks the kiss briefly to ask:

“That’s the plan then?”

“That’s the plan.”

Benny kisses you and lays you back on the bed, pulling multiple orgasms from you before you both collapse, falling asleep tangled up in each other’s arms.

—----

“What do you mean 3 weeks from now?” You’re trying to contain yourself but you swear the representative from Snug Harbor just told you that the only availability they have for the entire harbor to be rented out is in 3 weeks.

“Yes, 3 weeks from now, miss. We do have excellent wedding planners who could help-”

“I’ll have to call you back.” Hanging up the phone, you pinch the bridge of your nose, setting your phone down on the table.

Benny comes up behind you and starts to massage your shoulders. “Everything ok?”

Sighing, and slightly moaning at his touch, you shake your head. “Just got off the phone with Snug Harbor.”

“And?”

“The only time we can rent the whole place is 3 weeks from now. Otherwise it’s off season, so half the island is closed and it’s bad weather, or they’re booked for like 3 years.”

“Ok.”

“Ok….what?”

“Ok let’s get married in 3 weeks.”

Turning your head slowly, you look up at him. “What?”

Benny sits in the chair next to you and scoots it closer to you, taking your hand in his. “Let’s get married in 3 weeks then.”

“Benny, I-”

“It’s just our family and close friends. We don’t have to be all fancy.”

“But..a dress, food, flowers, I’d have to-”

“You can go shopping now.”

“But the dress will have to be altered and that takes time-”

“Sweetheart,” he leans in close. “You keep forgetting that money can open doors. I don’t like to use it like that but this is for your wedding dress. We can find someone who will alter it in time.”

“I….do you think so?”

He smiles and his whole face lights up. “I wouldn’t care if you walked down the isle in one of my old shirts. But I know a dress is important to you and I’ll do my best to get you what you want.”

You let out a puff of air you didn’t know you’d been holding. “3 weeks?”

“3 weeks. What do you think, Sparks?”

You take a moment to evaluate. If you didn’t have to worry about a dress or anything to do with the actual wedding, would you hesitate? If it was just you and Benny and someone who could marry you?

You’d marry him right now.

“I think we’re getting married in 3 weeks.”

Benny whoops, slapping his hand down on the table before gathering you up in his arms and spinning you around the kitchen, his smile so wide that it could be seen from space.

“Is 3 weeks up yet?”

—----

Planning wasn’t as bad as you’d thought it would be. You had hired a wedding coordinator in Friday Harbor, who took down all the things you and Benny wanted or didn’t want at the wedding; everything from food to colors of the wedding, to types of flowers, indoor or outdoor, types of chairs, all of the little details most people wouldn’t think about. The only thing you had to worry about was your dress and Benny’s suit.

You thought dress shopping would be terrible, but you happened to fall in love with a dress at a mom and pop dress shop, knowing it was the one for you. They were happy to alter it for you and would have it done in time for any additional alternations.

The dress arrived without any issues, and any hiccups with the planning were taken on by the wedding planner. You’d settled on a ceremony on the grass overlooking the small harbor, before moving inside to eat. It was Benny’s parents, plus the boys and their wives or girlfriends and kids, and your parents and brothers and their families. Paili and Roaslie were over the moon at getting to not only vacation in the same place, but they were both walking down the isle as a flower girl and ring bearer.

The one bedroom cabin you and Benny would be staying in until your honeymoon was in the middle of the front row of cabins, overlooking the harbor. Everyone had arrived 2 days before the wedding so they could get settled and then have the bachelor and bachelorette parties. You and Benny had suggested having them together, but the look on Santi’s face made Benny cave and you both agreed to do them separate: The girls were all in one cabin at the very end, playing dirty games and drinking, and the men on the opposite side of the row of cabins, doing much the same thing. All the kids were having a sleepover in the suites above the main hall, supervised by a nanny.

The bachelorette party was fun, but a few hours (and a few drinks) in, you felt compelled to go for a walk. Not really sure why or where, you slip out, no one noticing you’d gone. You walk behind the cabins, stumbling slightly on the pebbled path, before you run head first into something solid. Not something. Someone.

“Oopmh!” the someone said as you collided.

“B-Benny?” You ask, blinking a few times to try and see through the dark.

“Sparks?” Benny responds, reaching forward and grabbing your arm. “ ‘s that you?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Why’r you out here?”

“Why are you?”

Benny sways slightly. “I…I came to fin’ you.”

“Really?”

“Hoped you’d be in the room.”

“I..I was hoping the same.”

Benny leans down to kiss you but misses and sucks on your chin.

“Wanna ditch the parties?” You ask, looking up at him.

“I doooo.” He says, trying to be quiet but not really succeeding.

Creeping around the front of the cabins, you see that you both happened to stop at yours, even in the dark and slightly drunk (or more drunk in Benny’s case), you both had sought each other out. Benny follows you inside, closing the door behind him. You manage to get a quick text out to Monica, telling her you’d gone back to the cabin and not to disturb you, when you feel his hands on you, hastily and sloppily trying to rid you of your clothes. Tossing your phone down on the table, you spin in his grip, pulling him to you and kissing him as you walk to the bedroom.

Somehow, you both managed to remove your clothes and Benny pushes you down onto the bed, immediately hovering over you, planting kisses across your lips, neck, chin, moving down to your chest, chuckling when you gasp.

“Benny..we..shit…isn’t this bad luck to see each other before the wedding?”

“It’s so damn dark in hear sweetheart, I can’t see you anyway.”

Brain still fuzzy from drinking, you can’t fight his logic. “That…that makes sense.”

He starts to kiss down your stomach, but you stop him, pulling him back up your body and kissing him deeply.

“Want you inside me.”

“Whatever you want.”

Benny, still drunk, takes a few thrusts to get it right but when he does, he pushes in quick, overly excited that he finally found the right spot. Frantic breaths and whines fill the cabin, your names escaping from each other’s lips as he sets a rough pace, pulling your leg up on his hip to hit that spot inside of you.

“Oh shit, Benny!” You come, moaning his name as you pulse around him, hearing your name spill from his lips as he comes moments later, thrusting erratically into you.

Benny collapses on top of you and on instinct, you start massaging his scalp, listening to his hum of contentment…

—----

Knock, knock, knock

A hard rapping on your cabin door wakes you from where you’re sprawled across the bed, naked, with a slightly drooling also naked Benny tangled up with you in the sheets. Glancing over at the side table, you notice the time and groan - you both were needed at a quick breakfast before getting ready for the wedding.

Today, I’m marrying Benny.

A smile pulls at your face as you hear the knocking again, more insistent this time.

“Benny - you gotta get up,” you speak quietly in his ear, getting a moan in response.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t get the door and someone is-”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Benny groans again, but pulls you tighter to him. “Tell ‘em to fuck off.”

“Well I would but you have me pinned.”

A sleepy, deep chuckle comes from him as he nuzzles into your hair, inhaling. “Yeah I do.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! “BENNY! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!”

“Fuckin’ Fish always gotta be on my ass.” Benny grumbles.

“We are getting married today and he’s trying to keep you on schedule.”

A slight pause before one of his blue eyes opens, finding yours. “Married, huh? You sure you still want to marry me?”

“I’d stay with you the rest of our lives whether or not we get married.”

Both of his eyes open now, bright and shining, full of love as he pulls you to him, kissing you softly and deeply.

“What did I do to deserve you?” He asks softly, talking more to himself than you.

Opening your mouth to reply, another series of knocks, now more like pounds, come from the front door.

“BENJAMIN MILLER PUT ON SOME PANTS, STOP KISSING YOUR GIRL, AND BOTH OF YOU COME GET BREAKFAST!”

“He’s so demanding,” You chuckle, Benny doing the same.

“Yeah. But we better do what he says because he ain’t leavin’ until we do.”

Benny detangles himself from you and opens the bedroom door, walking towards the front door.

“Benny! Pants!” You yell after him, laughing as he waves you off.

Hearing the door unlock and open, all you hear is a series of swears from Frankie, mixed in with “put some fucking clothes on, man!” before Benny is back, laughing as he looks around for some jeans and a flannel shirt.

—----

After breakfast, served in the small hall where your wedding dinner will later be held, you were whisked back to your cabin while Benny was forced to Frankie’s. Neither of you were to see each other until the ceremony. Which you thought was complete bullshit but you humored everyone.

The hair and makeup team came and started taking care of everyone, even people not in the bridal party if they wanted it. Paili and Rosalie were beside themselves with the treatment, calling themselves queens as they strutted around the small cabin, pretending to be Anna and Elsa.

Monica agreed to be your maid of honor, or matron of honor, as she and Frankie were married. Her rainbow colored hair was swept up into a beautiful style, the colors winding beautifully around her head as she watched your face for any sign of hesitation. When the makeup team took a short break, she leaned in to you.

“Any cold feet? Jitters?”

Shaking your head, you admired the way your hair moved in the mirror. “No. Why?”

“Because it’s Benny. Had to check.”

Glancing up at her, you see a small smirk tugging at her lips as she grabs her drink, using the straw the makeup team demanded everyone use.

—----

You stand at the door to your cabin, waiting for the song to end and yours to start. Paili and Rosalie had already bounded out of the door on their queue, happily tossing flower petals and island approved bird seed on their way to the alter, a couple of your sister in laws not far behind. Monica gave you a quick hug and a wink before she walked out, the door closing slow enough for you to see her unite with Frankie from the other side, a wide smile on his face.

The music fades away and you hear the first notes of the song you had picked to walk down the isle to, not wanting the regular processional or Canon in D. Glancing down at your hands around your bouquet, you gently brush your fingers against the delicate necklace that’s wound there, your grandmother’s that she had left for you when she had passed.

“And…go!” The wedding planner had opened the door and called to you from behind it, moments after the song had started. You hear the shuffling of people as they all stand, waiting for you to arrive.

Taking a deep breath, not out of nerves but out of anxiety that you’ll trip and fall flat on your face, you exit the cabin and walk down the patio, taking your dad’s arm and smiling up at him, seeing tears behind his eyes.

“Don’t let me trip,” you say quietly, half chuckling, half serious.

“Never.”

You make it to the start of the aisle, wildflower petals, sourced and approved by the wedding planner on island, decorate the aisle. Pausing, you wait a moment as you see Frankie tap Benny on the shoulder to let him know it was time to turn around.

When he turns, your breath catches in your throat. He’s beautiful, in his all black suit, his shoulder length hair brushing the tops of his shoulders, the blonde reflecting the sun as if he were some sort of demi-God. His eyes are bright blue and shining with love and tears, as he takes you in, some of the tears making their way down his cheeks, just narrowly missing the biggest smile you’ve ever seen him wear.

Blinking, you realize that you too have started to tear up as your dad pats your hand, moving you both forward. He’s leading and you’re grateful as your eyes are glued to Benny’s. Everything else fades into the background, as if only the both of you existed in this moment. Reaching the end of the aisle, you turn to your dad as he gives you one last hug before sitting with your mom. Taking the last few steps, you finally find yourself in front of Benny, his hands immediately reaching for yours, giving them a small squeeze.

The officiant starts their speech, saying something about love and trust, but all you see is Benny, his eyes never leaving yours as he takes you in, a breeze rustling his hair as it comes in off the small harbor behind you both. As if at a distance, you hear your name from the officiant and repeat when they say, eyes still glued on Benny as he takes a ring out of the little box that Rosalie is holding up, trying her best not to drop it. He slides the ring on your finger and pulls your hand to his lips, lightly placing a a kiss to your fingers. The officiant speaks to him next, Benny repeating his parts. If it wasn’t for little Roaslie tapping your side, holding the box up for you to take Benny’s ring out, you’d have completely forgotten, your focus completely taken up by Benny. Taking the ring out of the box, you give a quick wink to Rosalie before turning back to Benny, sliding his ring on his finger. A few moments later, all you hear is the word “kiss” and he’s on you, his hands gripping your face to pull you closer as Benny kisses you deeply. Cheers and clapping sound from your friends and family before Frankie leans in and says “There’s kids here.”

Chuckling, Benny pulls back first, that smile spreading across his face as he takes you in, placing his forehead to yours momentarily before grabbing your hand and turning you to walk back down the aisle, hearing the wedding planner announce to everyone that there are horderves and drinks ready and that dinner would be served when you both returned from your photo session.

The photographer and videographer drove you out to several locations on the island, taking a multitude of photos that would turn out gorgeous. They drove you back, took a few more around the harbor before calling it and heading inside to set up in the hall where everyone else was hanging out. Benny takes your arm and starts to follow the photographer, but you pull him back, calling to the photographer.

“Can you tell Frankie, the Best Man, that we need like 15 minutes before we’re coming in? I know he has to announce us and all that.”

“Sure,” she says knowingly.

Pulling Benny’s arm, he looks at you quizzically as you guide him towards your cabin, opening the door and closing it behind him.

“Everything alright, sweet-” Benny’s words are cut off as you practically throw yourself at him, gripping his suit jacket and pulling him towards you, kissing him frantically. He kisses you back, arms winding around you until he suddenly breaks the kiss.

“Do we have time?”

“I’m making time.”

Benny chuckles as you manage to make out and walk to the back bedroom, pushing him down on the bed. He undoes his pants, pulling himself out as you climb up him, straddling him. Pushing your underwear to the side, you sink down on him, both of you ready to go. Moaning out his name, you pause for a moment, but Benny sits up, pulling down on your shoulders as he starts to deep thrust into you, watching your face contort with pleasure, both of you breathing heavily. It’s not long before you’re both coming, moaning each other’s names as he thrusts sporadically into you, Benny’s head dropping to your chest as you both take a moment to breathe.

“We still have our clothes on,” he chuckles.

“I’m pretty sure the wedding planner would kill us if we messed up these clothes.”

“Well you took a big risk coming to this cabin then.”

“I’m willing to risk death if it means I get to feel you inside me.”

“Fuck, sweetheart, don’t say shit like that if you don’t want me to do somethin’ about it.”

Tightening your muscles around Benny, who was still inside you, you speak quietly. “And what if I want you to do something about it?”

His eyes darken as he looks up at you, pushing you slightly to get you to stand up. When you do, he stands too, telling you to get on your hands and knees on the bed. Smirking, you hike your dress up so you don’t wrinkle it, crawling up the bed. A warm hand pushes your upper back down, sliding back to grip your hips as he pushes your dress over your hips, moving your panties to the side.

Benny thrusts into you quickly and sets a rough pace, letting the sounds of your pleasure guide him as he rails into you, careful not to hurt your dress.

“Oh God, Benny!” You moan, feeling his hand snake around to rub at your clit, quickly sending you towards the edge.

“You looked so…nuhhh…fuckin’ beautiful. I can’t believe..uuhh…you said you’d marry me,” Benny manages to say between thrusts, his own pleasure starting to catch up to him.

“I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Miller!”

“FUCK!” Benny yells, coming loudly as he continues to thrust into you, feeling you tighten around him as you come too, your body lit up like a live wire, fingers and toes tingling with your release.

Benny takes a moment before he pulls out, quickly grabbing a cloth to clean you both up before you straighten up, smoothing down your dress and smiling widely at the fucked out expression on his face.

“So the last name gets you going. Good to know,” You wink at him.

“I didn’t know it’d have that affect on me. Damn.” He fixes his pants and pulls you to him, kissing you more gently than you thought he would. He starts to deepen it but a knock at the door interrupts what would probably have turned into round 3.

“Fuck more later! Everyone wants to eat!” Frankie yells through the door, unable to keep the smile out of his voice.

Benny winks at you before taking your hand and leading you to the door, opening it to see Frankie with a giant grin on his face.

“We’re comin’. Keep your pants on,” Benny says, closing the door behind him.

“We’re all starving because you couldn’t keep your pants on, Benjamin,” Frankie retorts, a friendly tone to his voice.

“Actually, that was me,” You say, feeling your cheeks heat up as Frankie looks at you, eyebrows raised in surprise. “I…couldn’t wait.”

Frankie drops his voice, pink creeping up his cheeks. “I get that.”

—----

The reception was a blast. Benny had surprised you with your first dance by secretly taking dancing lessons, literally sweeping you off of your feet in time with the music. People ate, danced, speeches were made, and Benny was required to dance with both Paili and Rosalie, although you saw Paili sneak a few more dances in with him while Rosalie batted her eyelashes up at Will, who couldn’t turn her down. Frankie danced with you for a song while Monica danced with Benny, all of you twirling around the dance floor.

In lieu of a bouquet tossing, you presented your bouquet to Benny’s grandmother, the last living grandparent between the both of you. Her eyes filled with tears at the gesture, clutching the beautiful arrangement to her chest as she hugged and kissed you both. You also decided to not have a traditional wedding cake but instead a pie bar, a variety of flavors made in a local bakery adorning the decorated table. Once you saw the kids starting to nod off while they were standing, you decided to call it a night, heading back to your cabin as everyone blew bubbles as a send off. The second you got in the door, Benny helped you out of your dress and you took a quick shower, wanting to get off the several layers of makeup plastered on earlier by the makeup team. Benny took a shower after you but by the time he came out, you’d already passed out on the bed, completely exhausted from the day.

—----

You knew you’d both be too tired to head to the house where you’d spend your honeymoon directly after the ceremony, which is why you stayed in the cabin. So you decided to invite everyone to breakfast in town, a reservation for all of you already made.

Walking in late, your brothers and of course the boys all wolf whistled and winked, knowing exactly why you were late. And if there was any doubt, the nervous shuffling of your feet and the rapidly rising heat in your cheeks just proved they were right.

After breakfast, everyone headed off to do their own things while you and Benny packed up your tiny cabin that you’d live in for the last few days and drove to the house Benny had rented on the west side of the island, making sure there was not only a water view but water access, a small, private beach all to yourselves, none of which you were aware of.

The house was beautiful, a long winding driveway with pine trees lining the edges lead up to a larger 2 story home. Benny parks the car and walks around to open your door, smiling at the look of awe on your face as you take in the flower beds and trees. The first thing you notice is that it’s quiet - no neighbors or anyone to share the house with.

Benny takes your hand and you blink, turning your head to look at him.

“This is gorgeous, Benny!”

“Just wait- it gets better.”

He leads you to the front door where he types in the pin code to unlock it. Opening it, you start to walk forward but his arm shoots out blocking you from entering. Before you can ask, he’s swept you up in his arms, one behind your knees and the other your back as he walks you over the threshold, gently closing the door behind you.

“Benny! You didn’t have to do that,” you say, chuckling to yourself.

He gives you a wink before setting you down. “I definitely did. Take a look around and I’ll grab our shit.” He turns to head back to the car to unload while you take in the house.

It’s like it walked out of a magazine - modern kitchen with a northwest feel, a giant stone fireplace in the open concept living room with a large, handmade wooden dining table set a little higher than the other rooms. There’s a staircase to your right that you had every intention of heading up - until your eyes took in the entire back wall of windows and how it opened up to the water.

Gorgeous views of the Salish Sea as far you could see, a craggy shoreline with the island’s pine trees around the edges take up the space beyond the little deck that housed a hot tub. A simple, man made path leads down to your own private beach, complete with driftwood logs to sit on and a fire pit already made up.

“Holy shit,” you breathe out, completely taken aback by this unexpected view.

“You like it?” Benny came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you and leaning down to put his chin on your shoulder.

“I…Benny I never expected this,” your hand gestures to the view as he hums in your ear, turning to gently nibble at it.

“Well, you said you always wanted to have a water view. West side, right? For the orcas? I wasn’t expecting the bea-”

You cut him off, spinning in his hold and pulling him to you, finding his lips immediately. He kisses you back, chuckling when he feels you trying to undress him.

“You haven’t even seen the bedroom yet.”

“Great idea - let’s go now.”

He laughs, a bright, mischievous smile stretching across his face. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Don’t you mean Mrs. MilLER!” You yell out the last half of your new last name as Benny picks you up, throwing you over his shoulder as he climbs the stairs practically 2 at a time, passing a couple of doors before finding the master bedroom and tossing you down on the bed.

Neither of you waste time, both trying to help the other shed their clothes as you press kisses in between the stripping. Once Benny wriggles free of his pants, he pushes you down into the bed, your back feeling the soft fabric of the comforter as he pins your hands on either side of your head. He notches himself at your entrance, feeling you shift your legs open wider to accommodate him. He stares down at you, his face only a few inches from yours as he brushes some stray hair from your face, a soft smile on his face.

“I love you so much, Sparks.”

“I love you so much, Benny.”

He kisses you softly before pulling back, wanting to watch your face as he gently pushes inside, smiling at the way your pleasure contorts your expressions.

“I love how you feel inside me, Benny.”

“That’s because we were made for each other.”

Rolling your eyes, you smile at him lovingly, retort dying on your lips as he pulls his hips back and pushes back in, adding an extra deep thrust once he’s fully inside, smiling wider when you cry out his name. Pushing your hands against his hold, he eventually releases you and they immediately grab onto his ass, pushing him deeper as you moan and writhe under him, your body feeling like he’s hitting every pleasure point as he makes love to you.

Coming suddenly, your nails dig into his back as you moan out his name, Benny still deep thrusting to carry you through your release, quickly following with his own as you come down, heavy breathing as you simply lay there holding each other.

“I fuckin’ love you. So much, sweetheart,” Benny mumbles into your chest, having laid his head there after he came.

“I love you too. So much, Benny.”

—----

The next day, you’re in the kitchen with Benny who had insisted on making dinner for the both of you (as you’d had reservations in town every other night). It wasn’t anything fancy but you loved watching him move around the kitchen, his randomized playlist playing through the kitchen speaker. His hips sway to the music as he sings along. The song ends and a quiet one comes on.

“I can’t believe we’re actually married!” You say, sitting up on the kitchen island as Benny turns to you.

“I can’t believe you said yes.”

“There’s no one else in the entire world that I’d rather spend the rest of my life with. I’m proud to be Mrs. Miller.”

Benny moves quickly, slotting himself between your legs as he kisses you. “Well now, Mrs. Miller, it’s time I get to taste what’s in the kitchen.”

Humming into his mouth, you reply “Shouldn’t it be the other way around since you’re cooking?”

“Shut up and spread your legs.”

Benny pulls a stool over and sits in front of you, any sarcastic comment you had leaving your brain the moment his tongue was on you…

—----

2 weeks had passed since the start of your honeymoon. You’d done nearly everything the island had to offer: whale watching, zip lining, every tour they had, a wine tasting, feeding alpacas, kayaking, mopeds, all of it. Anything you did Benny gave it his all and you were slightly jealous that he seemed to master things with ease, as if he’d always done them.

You couldn’t stay jealous or even annoyed with him for long - not with the way he’d make up for it when you were alone. He’d made love to you nearly everywhere in that house, not even pausing to worry about people with binoculars when he fucked you on the beach, saying if they wanted to watch him make love to you they were welcome to stare at his ass.

As you packed and left the house for the last time, you turned and took one more look, etching the memories into your brain to remember them forever. Benny wrapped his arm around you and pulled out his phone, making sure the house was in the background as he snapped a candid photo of you both kissing in front of the house with a promise to return one day.

—----

A couple months after your honeymoon, you found the perfect house. It’s checked every box that you and Benny had and you bought it in a heartbeat. It only needed a little paint and some new furniture, which had arrived and all the boys came together to help you assemble it.

Once your new house was finished, you hosted a giant cookout, having everyone come over for food and swimming in your new pool. It was a great day filled with family and laughter that lasted well into the night.

The next morning, you woke before Benny, quietly tiptoeing downstairs to make coffee. Assembling your drink, you sipped from your mug, staring out the back window to your dream backyard, taking in the morning light as it reflected off of the dewy grass. A few minutes later, you heard Benny shuffle downstairs and grab a mug, making himself a cup before he moved to stand next to you, taking a sip as he wrapped his arm around you. There was nothing planned today, no wedding planning, no honeymoon, no furniture to assemble or party to host. Just you and Benny. And you couldn’t wait to start the rest of your lives together.

—-----------------------

Notes: Ok, folks! The official fic ends here and I’m feeling a way about it. I absolutely LOVE Benny and Sparks and I really struggled with ending their story. Please absolutely feel free to send me asks or drabble requests or whatever for these 2 because I am 100% NOT ready to give them up. Thank you so MUCH for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!

HOWEVER

There is an optional epilogue! I say optional because it’s going to discuss themes of pregnancy, labor/childbirth, and Benny being a dilf. I realize that’s not everyone’s jam, especially with reader inserts and that’s ok! The way this story flowed, I knew I’d be able to set it up so that those who don’t want to read these elements didn’t have to worry about missing any major plot points.

—-------------------------

Epilogue

2 years later….

The timer on your phone goes off, causing you to jump slightly at the beeps sounding off in the near silence of the room. Turning it off, you take a deep breath and look at the man sitting next to you, his blue eyes shining nervously back at you. He takes your hands and holds them for a moment, rubbing little circles into the backs.

“No matter what it says, Sparks, we can always continue tryin’ like we have been. Ok?”

Nodding, you let out an exhale. “I know, Benny.”

Hands shaking slightly, you reach up and flip over the tiny plastic stick that was sitting on your counter, holding your breath as your eyes take in what was showing in the little window.

2 very bright pink lines.

“It’s positive!” You start to cry, ecstatic that it finally happened after months of trying. Benny whooped, his voice echoing off the walls of the bathroom as he gathered you into his arms, hugging you tight but avoiding squeezing your stomach.

“We’re gonna be parents!” He says, his own voice cracking with overwhelming joy.

From that moment on, Benny’s focus was all on you. His hyperfixation turned to that of pregnancy and childbirth and how he could be the best, most supportive partner during each of these times. He got you whatever you craved whenever you craved it, held your hair back when the morning sickness took over, rubbed your back and told you comforting things when your hormones would overwhelm you, give you massages, literally anything you asked for, Benny did.

And he was no different in labor. You’d both gone to the labor classes at the birthing center, also opting to take a hypnobirthing class. The moment your water broke in the middle of the night, Benny was by your side, waiting and timing contractions for you so you didn’t have to until the best time to finally head to the birth center, your bags already in the jeep.

Labor was hard work, but between your mental preparation and Benny’s support, you knew you could do it. Benny was by your side the entire time, even when you labored in the tub, dabbing at your forehead with a cloth and rubbing your back, applying counter pressure to your hips if you needed it. You knew your body was made to do this and Benny made sure you knew how strong you were.

A few hours after you arrived at the birthing center, your first son Emmett was born. Skin to skin was immediate for you and the bond was instant, Benny cutting the cord as he watched you both in complete awe after having “caught” Emmett a few moments before. Once things were settled, Benny gathered up Emmett in his arms, tears freely flowing down his face, a wide smile plastered to it.

“Hey little dude. I’m your dad. I can’t believe you’re finally here,” Benny coos to him as he bounces the tiny baby, not noticing how your heart was aching in a good way from watching the interaction, tears streaming down your face.

A few minutes later, Benny walks over to you and places Emmett on your chest, helping you to adjust your position to start feeding him. He pats your hair away from your face and you look up at him as Emmett eats.

“You’re amazin’ you know that? Look what you made.”

“We made, Benny.”

“Yeah but you definitely did all the hard work.”

“I don’t know. You definitely did some hard work too.”

He chuckles. “Don’t you ever get your mind out of the gutter?”

“Not while I’m with you.”

—----

Life with newborn is always an adjustment, no matter how many kids you have. Benny was there with you at every feeding until you finally told him to get some sleep and that you could tag team it. No sense in both of you being sleep deprived.

He threw his all into being a dad, diapers, playtime, all of it, Benny did with such love and care that it hurt your heart to watch, but in a good way. Benny would lean Emmett against his bent legs, bending over him making goofy faces and voices while Emmett stared up at him, eventually the blank stares turning into smiles as he got older.

Seeing Benny simply hold Emmett also set you on fire. Something about this tall man holding a tiny baby, your tiny baby just lit a fire inside you.

That fire brought you 5 additional kids.

When your youngest was 4, you decided to have a play day in the back yard, inviting everyone over for a cookout. Benny spent a few hours the night before setting up a bunch of lawn games. However, when it came time to play, the kids all had a different idea.

“Let’s play get dada!”

“Yeah!”

“Wait just a minute - oh shit!” Benny laughs as your 6 kids chase him around the yard, trying their best to get ahold of him.

Sitting back in your lawn chair, you laugh as one of them manages to get ahold of him somehow, bringing down Benny as they all launched themselves on top of him as he tries to army crawl out of the dog pile, unsuccessful due to his laughing.

Santi’s newish girlfriend sits down next to you and looks at Benny, who was somehow managing to crawl his way out of the pile.

“Why did you have so many kids?” She asks, half joking but mostly serious. “I’m not sure I could even handle one.”

You look back at Benny and the love pouring out of him for each of your kids and it echoed back at him in all of their faces.

“How could I say no to that man? How could I resist climbing him like a tree?”

Benny overhears this part of your conversation and he manages to walk over. “It’s true. All these kids were her idea!”

You smack his leg as he chuckles. “I’m just irresistible.”

Before you can retort, your kids have whisked him away again, this time to play one of the games he’d set up.

—----

Later that night, you catch Benny as he walks past the foot of the bed, kissing him deeply as he lifts you into his arms, feeling your legs wrap around him. He turns and lays you down on the bed, hovering over you.

“Told you I was irresistible.”

Chuckling, your eyes reflect back at him his own desire. “Oh shut up and fuck me.”

—----

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relicsongmel · 5 months

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Welcome! My name is Melanie/Mel (call me whichever you like) and this is my place to shout into the void about things I'm way too obsessed with. I'm 25, female, pan(demi)romantic asexual and also autistic/ADHD as hell. I post about a variety of things but here are the fandoms you're most likely to see (in no particular order):

Pokemon/Pokeani

Ace Attorney

Bleach

Inuyasha

Animal Crossing

Stardew Valley

Love Nikki

Undertale

Other things to know about me:

Personal posts will be tagged as [#mel's musings].

I have two tags [#little songbird] and [#forest for the tree] for my OCs Sylvia and Denise, respectively. They're my two pseudo self-inserts reflecting different aspects of my personality that I can throw into whatever fictional universe I'm hyperfixating on in the moment for my own enjoyment. Specific details about the plotlines I create are for me to know (aside from any brief ramblings I may leave in tags) but if you're curious about the characters themselves I'm more than happy to talk about them! I love my girls <3

In addition to the fandoms listed above I am also EXTREMELY autistic about music—I have a background in piano/classical singing and have been in choirs all my life since 4th grade. I have been bestowed with the blessed (and sometimes cursed) combination of absolute pitch as well as pitch-color synesthesia. The former is the ability to identify pitches without a reference note and the latter is a phenomenon where my brain associates certain musical keys with certain colors, temperatures and scenery among other things. It is a HUGE special interest of mine—ask me questions about it and I will literally love you until the end of time I'm serious. Even if it's as simple as sending me a song and asking what color it is or asking me for thoughts on video game OSTs because I have a LOT

A follow-up to the above point: I love all things music theory and analysis and whatnot but in my excitement I have a tendency to get a bit TOO technical sometimes. I will do my best to make things as accessible as possible in my personal posts or when answering questions directed towards me (unless you specify it's not needed) but if that's not your niche any posts of this nature will be tagged as [#music nerd shit].

BE WARY OF FOLLOWING IF:

You are weird about multishipping. I like many ships for many different reasons and there's a lot of overlap between characters (just as an example: for Ace Attorney I am primarily a Narumitsu/Wrightworth shipper but I also enjoy Krisnix, Feenris, Gumworth and Langworth and I will make posts about all of them). All ship posts are tagged as such but it's something to be mindful of

You are a minor. You know yourself and what you're comfortable with better than I do but be aware that I'm an adult who posts about adult topics sometimes, and should you choose to follow me I am not responsible for you stumbling upon content that you are not ready for (and should you choose to complain to me as such I've got a block button with your name on it). This is the only warning I will give on this topic so please heed it accordingly

You dislike long tag ramblings. I tend to do that a lot, so if that's not something you can just Ignore than this blog may not be the place for you (side note: if my tags on a post ever don't make sense there's a decent chance I'm just having a conversation with one of my mutuals through tags because some of them Do That. Deal with it)

You are overly invested in pro/anti discourse. I have things that squick me out just like anyone else but if I see something I don't like I just block and move on. It is not my job to police the behavior of random strangers on the internet and I don't need any of you weirdos trying to convince me it is please for the love of god go outside

KEEP YOUR TERF/RADFEM BULLSHIT, EXCLUSIONISM OR BIGOTRY OF ANY KIND THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. IF I SEE ANY OF THAT SHIT I WILL BLOCK ON SIGHT

If you follow me and need anything specific tagged (whether it be for spoilers or other reasons), shoot me a message and I'm more than happy to oblige.

My askbox is always open if you'd like to talk about anything at all whether it be fandom shit, music nerd shit or otherwise. If you'd prefer me to answer privately please specify as such when writing your ask.

If we are mutuals and you'd like to get to know me more, feel free to message and ask for my Discord! I'm not a part of any servers at the moment because that sort of thing intimidates me, but I do enjoy talking to my friends there and you could be one of them. If you'd like. But you need to make that clear to me first so hmu if you're interested <3

And that's about it, really! Enjoy your time here and I hope something nice happens to you today <333

#pinned post #about me #last updated: february 2024

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storytellersumayyah · 10 months

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a permanent state of being

please read the trigger warnings before proceeding, they are more important than ever

tw: cancer, child death (cancer), funerals, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, passively suicidal behaviours, suicidal thoughts, active wishes for death, untreated and minimised grief, weight comments, disordered eating, eating disorder behaviours/thoughts, desire for sickness in order to be loved, sexualisation of teens and invalidating responses towards this, panic attacks, vomit, telling a suicidal person to kill themselves, graphic depictions of child abuse

spoilers: tristan starts to develop eating disorder habits. victoria tells him he isn't capable of this. he realises he wants to die. when he tells his mother, she drives him to the beach and tells him to walk into the ocean- he cannot swim. she also drives dangerously and ignores him crying for her to slow down. there is no happy ending- james does not intervene and tristan continues to suffer from suicidal thoughts, ideation and disordered eating

if you need to skip this one, do not proceed. it is here because victoria is not a good person, and because i need to stop shying away from darker works that are appropriately tagged. i love you. there is also a better solution, and you will be okay.

Tristan learnt what death was at the age of seven. Or rather, he learnt the reality of death. Prior to that insultingly and uncharacteristically sunny day in September, death had been something he was aware of but did not know. Death was what happened to the parents of the children in the films. It was why he the first people he wanted to die were his parents. It was the only way he could become a hero. He told his father this at some point. He had ruffled his hair and said he didn’t actually want that. His mother stared him down and said that was a horrible thing he should never repeat. When he cried, she embraced him and explained it properly. And although he still didn’t understand what death was, he realised she was right, and he stopped wishing for people to die.

He was five when that conversation took place.

At seven, he would wish people dead once more. And this time, he would have slightly more understanding of what he was saying, but it would still be childish and unreal.

It started with whispers in the classroom. He had been invested in his book, but the sounds shook his concentration. He had looked up to shush whoever was talking during his favourite time of the day, but he realised it was actually his teacher talking to someone he’d seen with other students but never said hello to. When they realised he was staring at them, they both softened.

“Hey Tristan,” Miss Lovewell said.

He frowned, unsure if he was going to get into trouble for talking during silent reading. She gestured at him to go to her desk. He dog-eared the page and pushed his chair in before standing before her, hands loose by his side and chin tilted up the way his father always instructed him to. She smiled at him, and he relaxed slightly.

“Mr Cadence is going to take you to a different room for a few minutes, and then your mom and dad will come and pick you up, is that okay? You’ll be back in a few days. You’re not in any trouble because you are a good student who always does what he can, so don’t worry about any of that, okay?”

He didn’t want to leave, but it was clear he had no choice. He wanted Jonathan to pat his shoulder- the way he always did when he didn’t want a hug- but Jonathan wasn’t there, so he had to be brave alone. It wasn’t easy, but he managed to nod. And when Mr Cadence held his hand out, giving him the option to take it but without any force, he stuffed his own inside his pockets and trailed after (he did take them out when they were going down the stairs, because even though Adelaide said he was, he wasn’t stupid).

“Why am I here?” He asked. The room looked like the one Jonathan had described to him. But he wasn’t Jonathan.

“Tristan, you were close to Delilah, weren’t you?”

Delilah was a student in the year above him. She wasn’t in school that often because she constantly had to go to hospital appointments or stay home because she wasn’t well enough to come in, but when she did come in, he spent all the time he could with her. Everyone thought he had a crush, but that wasn’t it. He just didn’t know when he’d next get her, so he needed to make it worth it.

He shrugged. “I guess.” He wanted to be more confident, but he didn’t want Mr Cadence accusing him of having a crush.

“Do you remember how she sometimes had to take time off?”

“She’s not a bad student,” he immediately protested.

“No of course not. She was one of the best, given the circumstances.”

“Was?” Victoria had taught him to raise questions whenever someone changed the way they were talking. It wasn’t normal to use the past tense when talking about a child.

“Oh, Tristan. I’m so sorry. As you know, Delilah was very unwell. And sometimes when people get very ill, they can’t get better.”

“So Delilah’s not coming back to school?”

“I’m very sorry. She can’t. Delilah went to sleep last night, and she won’t wake up now. She’s gone to a place where there’s no hurt, and no pain, and she’s better.”

As a teen, he would appreciate the lack of religious talk. As a child, it would have been the one thing that made it make sense.

But he’d heard of the place with no hurt and no pain. “She’s in heaven?”

Mr Cadence seemed taken aback, but he nodded regardless. “Yes. She is.”

“So she’s dead?”

“She’s passed away, Tristan. I’m very sorry. Do you want to sit down? I’ll stay with you until your parents here, and we can-“

“I hate you,” he shouted. “You’re supposed to help people! Why didn’t you help her?”

Mr Cadence didn’t say anything. He just nodded.

“I wish you were dead instead,” he spat, not quite understanding what dead even meant, but still aware it wasn’t something you were meant to say.

“Tristan! You cannot say that!” Mr Cadence shouted. Tristan narrowed his eyes and decided he really did hate him.

He refused to talk to his parents on the way home. Everyone always said you were meant to go to adults when you needed help. Everyone always said they could fix everything. But they hadn’t helped Delilah. They hadn’t fixed her.

He kept thinking she would come back. The funeral didn’t make sense to him. All the funerals in the books and on the screen were black and sad. Delilah’s was fun. There was a casket, and he got to put a delilah on it for her. But then there were balloons and teddy bears, and it felt like she was really there with them, celebrating her life and smiling.

At nineteen, when he attended the funeral of an adult, he would find Delilah’s parents on social media. He would express his gratitude for how they had celebrated Delilah because of the children, and they would tell him that was all they had wanted to hear.

But then days turned into weeks turned into months and Delilah never came back. And he realised she never would. But his parents didn’t offer any comfort. And his school stopped his appointments with Mr Cadence after he refused to go into the room twice. But it wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about Delilah. He just didn’t want to talk to Mr Cadence because he hated him. But it was too late, so he just took the cues to be quiet and forget that Delilah had ever been a part of his life.

He did learn why he wasn’t meant to say he wanted people dead, but he was still so angry that he didn’t think he was wrong for saying it.

At fifteen, he grew terrified. He’d left for Eros Academy, and he’d won the crown. Mr Carter loved him. His boyfriend had been as awkward as him, and they hadn’t gone very far. The lights had been off. He hadn’t had to look at his body. But he couldn’t help but spiral about what would happen when things went further with someone. Or when the lights were on.

He didn’t deserve to feel insecure about his body. And he knew there was nothing to be insecure about. But when he looked in the mirror, he could already see it starting to change. If it changed, he wouldn’t be as desirable. He would have to rely on something other than his looks to be charming, and he wasn’t sure he could be anything beyond arm candy. Not outside Eros Academy that is.

It worsened when he went back during the Christmas holidays. As much as he hated the stares his parents colleagues sometimes gave him, they had stopped being sympathetic as he got older. Apparently, he was supposed to appreciate it. His mother had said he was lucky it only started once he turned fourteen. His father had looked uncomfortable but not challenged her.

He was awkwardly sitting at the company Christmas party his mother had taken responsibility for hosting. Nobody had brought their children, but he wouldn’t be able to leave until after dessert when everyone started drinking. He hoped his mother wouldn’t drink enough to actually become drunk. His father hadn’t drunk since that fateful day, so he wasn’t worried about him.

“Are you having a good time at that school of yours?” Someone asked.

Tristan nodded. It always weirded him out, the fact that everyone knew he was just a school kid, but still looked at him the way they did. His mother glared at him and he swallowed. “Yes. It’s lovely there.”

“I can tell. You’ve gained weight,” they commented.

He suddenly felt nauseous. He dropped his fork and pushed his plate away. “I suppose.”

He couldn’t allow his body to change. If his body changed, then he wouldn’t be pretty. Nobody would want him. And then he would have nothing to give anyone. James awkwardly intervened in the conversation, but it was too late.

Maybe, if he stopped eating, he would get sick. And maybe if he got sick, his parents would feel guilty and they would stick up for him again. Maybe they would love him more.

It all came to a head at lunch a few days later.

“Stop picking at your food,” Victoria said.

He put his fork down. “I’m not hungry.” It was a lie, but he needed to test his limits. Needed to see how far he had to go before someone noticed.

“Yes you are. This attempt at developing an eating disorder is pathetic and attention-seeking. People make comments about bodies all the time. You’re going to need to learn to ignore them,” Victoria said.

He swallowed. “I’m not trying to develop an eating disorder. I just don’t want my body to change.”

“Laurie, it’s okay if it does. You won’t be a teenager forever,” James said, much softer.

Victoria seemed to realise what she’d done. “That’s what I meant.”

It wasn’t, and they all knew it, but Tristan ate his lunch, even if it made him nauseous. He ate less at dinner as compensation. But because he cleared his plate, nobody commented, and he realised that he could maintain his beauty without raising suspicions if he was careful enough.

It was an on and off habit. It was easier to maintain at home. At school, Adelaide burst into tears and asked him to eat properly because she didn’t want him to end up in the hospital or develop a heart condition. Tristan had wanted to say she was being dramatic, but he knew the reality wasn’t what anyone aimed for when they started, so he’d promised and done his best. When his eating started to get bad, he would go to her.

That safety net didn’t exist at home. And it scared him, how easy it was to just slowly and passively destroy his body. But it also felt good, to know that he could make himself so sick through nothing more than deprivation.

His dad seemed to notice though, and he wouldn’t leave until he’d eaten enough, even when he didn’t want to do it. So he stopped trying to make himself unwell. The attention he received from it wasn’t worth it, because it was just more lectures and even less sympathy.

When he started eating normally, the way he always had before people made comments, Victoria seemed to relax. Tristan tried to accept that as her love, but it didn’t feel like enough. It never felt like enough, which meant that it must have been a reflection of him and nobody else.

The pressure kept getting worse though. Both in school and at home. It wasn’t enough that he was a Heartbreaker. He had to be the best Heartbreaker, because he was the Nightingale heir. And even when he was the best, he still needed to do more. Still needed to prove himself as a Nightingale. As someone worthy of Mr Carter’s mentoring, officially and unofficially.

Adelaide supported him the best she could, but they both knew allowances would be made for her. They would not be made for him. And Jonathan was too sweet, too fragile, too broken by whatever had happened to him at the start of their first year to offer any advice. And as much as Tristan wanted to ask what had happened, he knew the answer deep down. And he knew that, if nothing else, the Jonathan that emerged from that room would be one that would survive.

That was all that mattered. Surviving.

But then the summer came and went. His second year started, and he was drowning. The first years seemed so young, and he didn’t know how he was meant to break them. The older students were finally unlocked, even if he was still a few months shy of sixteen, but some of the stares made him feel like he was back in the manor, even if they were almost the same age.

He blew out sixteen candles and wanted to throw up. There was nothing stopping anyone anymore.

He went home for Christmas, and the feelings only worsened. He went back to school, and everything felt wrong. He wanted to claw his skin off. He wanted to become so sick that everyone would whisper, and he would be in the hospital. He wanted to be with Delilah.

It was only when he realised that he missed Delilah, and he wanted to be with her, even if he didn’t believe in anything after death, that he found the words to express how he felt. He wanted to die.

And it wasn’t an exaggeration. It wasn’t because he wanted control, or because he wanted things to change and he didn’t have the power to do so. It wasn’t because he just desperately needed a break from everything and everyone. Because breaks were temporary. Change was possible, limited as it may have been.

He wanted something permanent.

He wanted to die.

At sixteen and three months, he realised that he had never wanted someone dead before. He had wanted them to go far away from him and all that he loved, but he had not wanted them dead. And then he wanted to go back in time and take himself away because he was the first person he had ever wanted to kill, and surely that wasn’t fair.

When Mr Carter asked him what was wrong, he said he was tired. He told Jonathan he wasn’t sleeping well. He told Adelaide it was nothing a heartbreak wouldn’t fix. And then he dumped his boyfriend. They were nice enough to act like they hadn’t seen it coming, and Tristan wondered how many of his classmates would attend his funeral. Would the Heartbroken rejoice the way the people of Oz had? Would his parents try and celebrate his life the way Delilah’s had?

Nobody knew he wanted to die. He knew that was what he wanted, but it still hurt. That even though people cared about him so much, they couldn’t see that he didn’t want to be there anymore.

Or maybe they did. Jonathan sent him random quotes, claiming they were so awful he had to share them, and sometimes they made Tristan smile. Not because they were good- Jonathan was right in how bad they were, but because he was making an effort. Adelaide would constantly talk about plans for the future, and he would chime in with his own ideas before remembering he wasn’t supposed to want that. Even Mr Carter would talk about his excitement for Tristan to become a senior.

And in those moments, he would think that perhaps, he didn’t want to die. But then those moments would pass and the desire would come back full force, no matter how aware people may have been.

He didn’t say the words.

Not until his mother was driving them back for spring break. She had turned up without his father, who apparently had a business meeting so important it couldn’t be rescheduled or delayed. Tristan had bit back his response of how James would have known in September when his spring break started, so he could have accounted for that when he set the date and time.

They were a third of the way home, and Tristan was resolutely staring out the window.

“What exactly is wrong with you?” Victoria asked.

Tristan didn’t know what he was supposed to say. But this was his mother. So against every instinct telling him no, he was honest.

“I want to die,” he said. “That’s what’s wrong.”

She didn’t even brake. She turned to look at him for half a second, and then she looked back at the road. It was completely empty, and Tristan’s heart sunk. He had finally told his mother, the one person who was always supposed to side with him, and she couldn’t even face him.

He wanted to throw up. Or jump out of the car. They were moving relatively quickly, it would at least break a bone.

They were moving quickly. But it wasn’t a highway. It was a residential area.

“Mom?” He asked, voice shaky.

Victoria didn’t look at him. But she did clench her jaw. And she pushed harder on the accelerator.

Tristan felt his heart racing, his palms sweating. He had never been so terrified. His mother was a good, safe driver. She knew the speed limits.

“Mom, what are you doing?”

She still didn’t answer. He tried to fling his door open, if only so she would brake and yell at him, if only so something would happen that meant he could prove to himself that she wasn’t going insane, that she wasn’t trying to kill them both because surely not, surely, surely not, but she had locked them. As though he was a difficult child. And maybe he was.

She wasn’t slowing down.

“Mom, if someone or something came into the road, you’d cause an accident,” he said, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible.

It was ridiculous, but he was suddenly grateful he’d forgotten to drink anything that day.

She slowed down slightly, which put her on the speed limit, and he let himself exhale shakily. But then she suddenly turned left, completely ignoring the route back to the manor, and he was once again left reeling.

“Where are you taking us?”

Victoria didn’t speak. Instead, she took a few more turns and pulled into a car park. He was still shaking when she slammed her door shut, the noise only making him jump more. She unlocked his door. Tristan tried to hide his fear, because this was his mother, and he wasn’t supposed to be scared of her, but it was impossible.

“Get out.”

His hands were shaking too much to undo his seatbelt. Victoria leant down and pushed the button, rougher than ever. His legs weren’t cooperating either. She grabbed his arm and pulled him out, not even caring when he stumbled.

“What are we doing?”

He should have known she wouldn’t answer, but it still angered him when she didn’t respond. She didn’t let go of his arm either, just pulled him along like a ragdoll. She never faltered, never slowed down, even as Tristan kept stumbling and almost had to jog to keep up with her.

They were at the beach. The sand was getting in his shoes, and he was almost shocked by empty it was. But then he cursed at himself for being so foolish. It was a Thursday in December. And because he had left early, the other schools wouldn’t have even finished for the day, let alone for the year. So it made sense that there were no witnesses.

Victoria stopped at the edge of the sand.

Tristan watched the waves coming in and out. They were so rough. Too strong. It was almost scary to know that even the strongest swimmers would be overpowered by something that was needed to keep everyone alive.

“Walk into it,” his mother said.

Tristan felt the ground disappear beneath his feet and solidify into something unbreakable. He felt the words process as they fell on deaf ears. He felt real and disconnected from his own body. He felt his heart shatter all over the beach and stitch itself into something that could never be broken, because surely not. Surely he had misheard.

“I can’t swim,” he whispered.

“Exactly.”

He found the courage- or maybe it was fear- to look at his mom. There was no sympathy on her features. There was nothing to suggest she was joking. Nothing to imply that she was just teasing him. She was being deadly serious.

“What?” There was nothing else he could say. No other words. Nothing was sufficient, but he needed to say something, so he said something pathetic.

“If you want to die so badly, drown.”

“I don’t-“ he did want to die. But he didn’t want to drown in the sea.

“Exactly. You don’t want to die. You don’t want to kill yourself. When it comes down to it, you will always choose survival.”

He wanted to explain that he did want to die, he just didn’t want to do it himself. Didn’t want it to happen so violently. But he couldn’t. Because he was scared. That if he did, his mother would push him herself and only rescue him when it was just a second away from too late.

Instead, he turned on his foot and walked straight to the car. He felt sick getting in. His leg shook the entire journey home, and he refused to look out the window. But Victoria kept drivingly safely. So safely that he almost believed he had hallucinated the entire incident. Until a car suddenly pulled out and she braked, seconds away from a collision and the fear came back full force.

He made it through the door, and then he threw up. James appeared as he tried to stand, legs too weak to support his body as he fell back down, narrowly missing the wet spot.

“Tristan? Are you okay?”

He nodded, even though he clearly wasn’t. “Fine.”

“He felt carsick,” Victoria said.

James frowned. Tristan hadn’t thrown up in years. He also hadn’t felt carsick since he was a child. “That’s strange.”

“Very. James, you’ll clean it up won’t you? I have a meeting in fifteen minutes.”

James nodded, not even looking up as he rubbed circles on Tristan’s back. It was supposed to be comforting. It made Tristan hate him more. He should’ve been there. If James had been there, Victoria would have never risked their lives. If James had been there, she would’ve attempted to comfort him the way parents were supposed to.

“Can you stand up?” James asked.

Tristan stood and went to get the mop.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry. I’ll do it. You just go brush your teeth and lie down okay? I’ll bring you some toast in a moment,” he said.

Tristan couldn’t help it. He started crying.

“Hey, no, it’s okay. I know you feel icky, but it’s okay. Let’s get you out of these clothes yeah?”

He shook his head. “I don’t care about the clothes. I don’t care about the sick. Dad, I’m so tired.”

“I know. I know.”

His dad cradled the back of his head, even though Tristan knew he smelt like vomit, and it just made him cry harder.

“I want to learn how to swim,” he said.

James pulled away. “Laurie. Is there something you want to tell me?”

Everything. He wanted to tell his dad everything. “No.”

His dad didn’t believe him. He also didn’t push. Tristan didn’t know which was worse. But the next day, his dad found a swimming class for him. He went everyday for the whole of Christmas break, never allowing his mom to take him. She clearly thought he was dramatic, but she didn’t say anything. If James realised what had transpired, he never let them know.

And as soon as Tristan could swim, he completed further training to become a lifeguard. Mr Carter had been telling him to get a summer job. His previous summers, he’d interned at one of the businesses and worked in the ice cream shop where the pool was. But they were always short on lifeguards, and if he knew how to save someone else from drowning, then he could do it for himself too.

When it was time for him to go back to school, Victoria was holding the keys.

He froze in the driveway and she rolled her eyes before handing them to James, who just opened her door and then got in the driver’s seat.

He never told anyone what happened.

He just continued to want to die.

buy me a ko-fi! | read my novel!

#sumayyah writes #the heartbreaker's handbook #thh side story #tw cancer #tw child death #tw intrusive thoughts #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicidal thoughts #tw eating disorder #tw sexualisation #tw child abuse

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i-can-even-burn-salad · 2 years

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Elli’s Scribblings

Welcome!

This is my cozy little corner of this hellsite. Make yourself at home, have a look around, ignore the blood, that’s just... uh, anyway. Here you’ll find posts with a focus on writing and fictional suffering, but this is a main blog, so there will be a sprinkle of memes, queer stuff and everything else I feel like putting here.

An overview of my writing and side blogs is below the cut, my tags can be found on my about page.

My website: https://www.elli-scribbles.net/

@elli-scribbles - all my original writing @burnt-salad-bar - where I collect other people’s masterlists @cant-burn-the-ice-cream - random trash pile (mostly cute things and memes that have no image descriptions)

This is both a whump and a writing blog. Which means there is entirely more pain and suffering than the plot would require normally—but hey, there is a plot somewhere. I write no unhappy endings; it just takes a while to get there, okay?

All stories are set in the same universe, sorted chronologically below, but here is a short overview with word count, tropes and time line for each of them.

Here is also a list of super detailed content warnings for all of my stories. This obviously spoilers pretty much everything, so be aware of that. There are always warnings in the masterlists, and on top of the chapters, but this one goes much more into detail. If you are unsure about anything, feel free to ask.

Main Stories

Thorns & Jasmine

It has been fifty years since the appearance of the first kalani; peaceful plant people, born from the fruits of a colossal tree. Now there is a darkness growing deep in the jungle, abducting their siblings and turning them into cruel, vicious creatures.

This is the story of Caldyn, a healer. He finds himself in a world of trouble when he wakes up in one of their cages, without a memory of how he got there. They want him to join their ranks, to give up his magic and his soul—and they will stop at nothing to get what they want.

Status: Finished | WIP Intro for the novel

Nuisance

Merridy is living on the streets, trying to survive in a city that has no place for her. When her luck runs out, she is caught stealing and thrown into the dungeons. Between the cruelty of the guards and the trial awaiting her, her life might as well be over.

The last thing she expects is to be freed by the man who rules the city’s underground with an iron fist. Cedric is known for his calculating ruthlessness, and now she owes him her life, wondering what he saved her for. There is no way she’d ever be of use to someone like him—or is there?

Status: Finished | WIP Intro

Heal my Wounds

Retrieving some possibly magic rocks should have been an easy mission. Unfortunately, the rocks turn out to be not magic, and the mercenaries assigned to protect Josephine’s group are a nuisance. And while their leader’s refusal to follow her orders starts out as a mere annoyance, it culminates in a tragic accident.

Between grievous injury and disgrace, both of their lives fall apart. Josephine might never hold a sword again, and Valadan is back on the streets with nothing to his name. As he insists on helping her get back on her feet, Josephine realizes that there’s more to him than his rude behavior. Similarly, he finds that she isn’t the spoiled princess he thought her to be.

Together, both of them might heal—if they can overcome the damage they've done to each other's lives.

Status: Finished | Ebook Version

Undeserved

A decade of regrettable decisions led to Damien being too deeply involved with a bunch of rebels, fighting for a cause that isn’t even his. When he’s tasked with a murderous job, his plan is simple: get close, kill the ambassador, vanish unseen.

Unfortunately even the simplest plan can fail, and he finds himself gravely injured and in the hands of his enemies. The punishment for treason is death, if he’ll live long enough to be brought to trial. Some of his captors hate him even more than he hates himself, and they know what horrible things he has used his magic for…

Status: Finished | Ebook Version

Glass Shards | Fancy Boots

Merridy is a thief, finding herself in the dungeon after a burglary gone wrong. As she tries to escape, she stumbles upon the severely injured Damien and can't bring herself to abandon him to his fate. His disappearance is quickly noticed, forcing them to flee the town before the guards manage to catch up.

Accused of high treason, tortured and more dead than alive, Damien had already made peace with the fact that he would die. As he slowly recovers under Merridy's care, her unwavering confidence restores his will to live. But before he can think about his future, he must first face his past.

The masterlist has been split. Fancy Boots is Arc 4, but Arc 3 is still in progress.

Status: Active (updates on Wednesdays) | WIP Intro

Side Stories

Everything else that doesn’t fit one of the main story arcs, like background stories of side characters.

Cedric: Cold | Warm

Gwyneth: Hold On | Rescued

The Rose A short fairy tale based on Beauty and the Beast

Other links

A link to my favorite whump stories of other people 💜

Some kind of bookmarks post gathering my unsorted favs.

My first bad things happen bingo card. Finished.

My second bad things happen bingo card. Aborted.

“Patch Notes” for my stories.

About me

Adult, at least on paper.

I enjoy mind being tagged in tag games, but might not always reply. Sorry. The brain does what it wants.

I curse quite a lot. Also sorry.

I have the attention span of a common house fly. Also sor— oh look a butterfly.

I run a queue, but I’m not tagging it. Good luck figuring out my sleep schedule.

English is not my first language.

[ID: The top image is a banner showing a part of an empty paper notebook, a dark pink pen and purple flowers. The text Elli’s Scribblings is written across it in a handwritten font in a pastel pink to white gradient with black outlines.

The banner for Thorns & Jasmine shows red, glowy plants. Across it is written the title of the story in a bright to dark green gradient. The letters are slightly thorny looking.

The banner for Nuisance shows a broken window, outside which the sun sets behind an iron fence. The sky is bright yellow and orange. The title is written across it in scribbled looking letters with a orange to yellow to orange gradient.

The banner for Undeserved shows blurry, green glass shards on a dark surface. Across it is written the title of the story in a bright to dark blue gradient with a white outline.

The banner for Glass Shards is covered in colorful glass shards. Across it is written the title of the story in a white to bright cyan gradient with a black outline. The font looks like written with a broad paintbrush.

The banner for Heal my Wounds is a photograph of a mountain landscape. Across it is written the title of the story in a white to bright blue gradient with a black outline. The font looks handwritten.

The banner for Side Stories is a picture of shallow water on a sandy beach. Across it is written the title side stories in a bright yellow to dark pink gradient with a black outline. The font looks like written with a thin paintbrush.

All other images in this post are purely ornamental lines. End ID.]

#masterlist

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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Just Two Sad Roommates

Corpse Husband x Reader(Female)

Warnings: Swearing (maybe)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: The power of medieval tavern music gets put to the test when Corpse’s roommate is having a rough day. SPOILER ALERT: it’s more powerful than anyone could assume.

Requested by Anon. You know who you are 😊😋 Wish I could tag you, I loved this idea so much and had such a fun time writing it. Hope you enjoy it just as much 🥰

The last twenty four hours haven’t been so great.

Last night I had a huge fight with my boyfriend over his flirty messages with several girls. It was not just witty banter, it was way more and way more hurtful to me. He obviously denied it and defended himself, at least in the beginning of the argument. Then he took on the accusatory stance, pointing fingers at me for living with another guy. That had me absolutely fuming. Not only was his statement fabricated and literally made up on the spot, but he also used some seriously horrible insults for him. I was having non of it. Corpse is a really great roommate, sweet guy and overall amazing person. I haven’t once argued with him since we’ve started living together. We’re actually quite good friends. So hearing my asshole boyfriend call him all those names was more than enough to chase him out of the apartment. Thankfully, Corpse wasn’t home to hear all that. He rarely leaves the apartment but by some miracle this was the time he was absent.

Then this morning my mom called me to have a chat. It started off decently enough but it only remained that way for so long. It didn’t take her long to start criticizing each and every element of my existence. From my job, my boyfriend, my living arrangement, the career I’ve decided to pursue, the fact I moved to a different state, my paycheck that’s lower than her friend’s daughter’s...…..You get the point.

Now I’m sitting here, contemplating what the two years I’ve been in a relationship with Marcus mean to me. I guess it is just like a phone call from my mother - starts off nice but slowly deteriorates. All things follow this pattern in my life, apparently. And just like the phone calls, I’ve considered ending things between me and him many times but never actually decided on it. Until now. The last part of this decision is executing it, which doesn’t look very promising. My thumbs are frozen, hovering over the keyboard.

I take a second to take a look at my life from a third person point of view, like an out of body experience. I am wrapped in a blanket, huddled on the couch like a burrito with a face. A really sad burrito with a face. I have a job where I work as much as three highly ranked workers and get paid a little over a secretary’s paycheck. I’m in a constant state of exhaustion and disinterest. I often forget I’m human and just assume I can live like a cactus - no food, no water. I have a boyfriend that’s cheating on me and most likely has been for quite some time now. And we’ve been dating for two fucking years. Man, that must be the longest cheat streak in history. Who knows with how many girls as well. And I still have trouble deciding weather to break up with him or not. Actually no, scratch that, I have already decided, but it feel so unnatural and so out of character that my body refuses to complete the task of delivering the final blow to the structure of this relationship which was already weak to begin with.

And it only got weaker when I started catching feelings for another guy. I know, I know, I’m a bad person for that, but I was never planning to act on those feelings. They have always just...lingered, loomed over me. They got stronger and stronger every time Marcus and I would fight, as though they were laughing at my mock of a relationship.

Speaking of laughter, I hear my roommate laughing in his recording room. I gave him the spare room for his recording equipment for a cheap add to his rent fee and it’s probably the second best decision I’ve ever made - first being picking him to be my roommate. He was among the first to reply to my online add and appeared the least sketchy over the phone. More hypnotizing if I’m honest. He could��ve told me he was a hitman and I wouldn’t have batted an eye, handing the keys to his room and the apartment without a second thought. All he had to do was keep talking. Again, SUE ME.

“Fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic!“ I drop my phone when all the strings inside me snap, releasing the sobs and tears I’ve been holding back for so long.

I bring my knees up to my chest, hiding my head in between them, desperately trying to shield myself from the plane crash that is my life at the moment. Crying makes me feel even sadder and more miserable but I have nothing left to do to get all the crap that’s piled up inside me out.

I’m on the verge of falling asleep, the tears have dried and the sobs have died somewhere in my chest, when I hear what sounds like music straight from Robin Hood’s time.

Holy shit, I’ve lost it

I lift my head from in-between my knees, looking around the living room for the source of the jolly, lighthearted tune which despite all the heaviness of my self-loathing makes me feel like the main character in an medieval adventure. Wait...Holy crap, it’s that medieval adventure, Robin Hood-ass music I hear from Corpse’s room!

I whip around to face the entrance from to the hallway where I see an arm sticking out, holding a phone which is where the music is coming from.

“Corpse?“ I call out to him in a questioning manner, shifting to a sitting position with my blanket kicked off of me and bunched up next to me.

“I can’t tell if you’re angry or sad...or both. Didn’t want to get attacked upon entering the room.“ I see the right side of his face peek out as well.

I break out into laughter, covering my mouth with one hand, “You’re such a dork.”

He takes this as a sign to come in, pausing the music as he does so. “What’s wrong?”

My laugh stops but a smile remains on my face as I look at him. He just has that effect on me. “A lot. What’s going on with you?”

He shrugs his shoulders, plopping down on the couch, “The usual, streaming Among Us. You should play with me and my friends some time.”

I scoff, “I can pull of a lie no problem. Maybe I really should.” I don’t actually consider it, it’s just funny to think about.

I have never watched any of Corpse’s content. Not his scary story videos, not his streams, not his animated compilations. Just his songs. And let me tell you...they are hella good. One song and I was hooked.

“Hey, I have a question.“ I tilt my head to look at him, “What’s with you and your love for medieval adventure music?“

“Medieval tavern music, and it’s not really love.“ He shakes his head with this dopey grin that is just. so. adorable. “More like a coping mechanism. Tell me, did you feel less sad I played it for you?“

I stop and think for a second. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Point made.“ He declares, leaving me to nod in amusement. “Now, tell me what that ‘a lot’ is.“

So, I do. I tell him everything, from how my boyfriend is cheating on me to how my mother thinks I’m a complete failure. He listens carefully, paying close attention to everything I’m saying. I catch myself laughing a few times while I retell the recent upsetting events.

Must be that music.

“So, you broke up?“ He asks once I end my monologue with a sigh

I shake my head disappointedly, “Not yet. I still haven’t pulled the plug. I don’t know what to say.”

He holds out his hand to me, “May I be of assistance?”

I look at his hand then at him and contemplate for only a second before deciding ‘what the hell’ and handing over my phone after unlocking it. The screen displays my boyfriend’s chat so Corpse just types away what he has in mind. Before pressing ‘send’, he hands the phone back to me. “Proofread it.”

‘Dear Marcus, this is one of your girlfriends speaking. Yes, one of them. You think I’m not onto what you’re doing, you little shit? Well, to your dismay, I am. And so, I discontinue this relation between us. That word might have been too long for your IQ so let me rephrase: We are over. Finished. Hope your other girlfriends wake up too, unless they are already in the know, of course. Love, but really hate, Y/N‘

I was never aware this level of sass even existed.

I add a smiling emoji and send the message, sighing in relief. “I can check that off my to-do list now.”

We both lean back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. A moment of comfortable silence takes over, leaving us both wandering in our own heads.

“Hey, um, I wanted to do this when I first moved in, but then I met your boyfriend and I took the hint. Now that you’re single, would you want to...“ he sounds a bit uncertain but continues regardless, “It’s ridiculous cause I don’t really like the idea of going out, but maybe we could order take-out...“

“Are you circling around asking me on an at-home date?“ I am surprised by how unbothered I manage to sound while I’m squealing on the inside. It’s fascinating how quickly a person can flip someone’s day around. Turns out it wasn’t the music at all. It was him that had the positive effect on mine.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch his face turn red and have to contain my laughter. The grin can’t be tamed though, especially not when he says, “Yes.”

Internally squealing, I launch myself from the couch, standing up straight in front of him. “Thai. My usual order is on the sticky note on the fridge. But first,” I offer him my hand, “I need to find out if a person can even dance to that ridiculous music.” At his amusement, my grin widens, “May I have this dance?”

He laughs that adorable laugh of his I’ve only heard through the layer of a wooden door. It’s even cuter when there’s nothing between me and its source. The source is cute too, not gonna lie.

With a shake of his head which is most likely disbelief, he takes the hand I’ve offered him, saying: “And you call me a dork.”

@susceptible-but-siriusexual @simonsbluee @save-the-sky @hacker-ghost @itsminniekat @bi-andready-tocry @imtiredaffff @jazzkaurtheglorious @hereforbeebo @fandomgirl17 @chrysanthykios @maehemscorpyus @loraleiix @letsloveimagines @annshit @i-cant-choose-a-username-help @enigmaticmaze

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chaosxwrites · 2 years

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Lake Trio Aspects AU Masterpost

(Will be updated as it’s developed. Will contain reblogged posts used as reference & information posts for the AU. Will later contain links to fic(s).)

An AU of @greenix‘s Twin Dragons AU, wherein Legendary Pokemon can take on human forms called Aspects, either through choosing a human to bond with or creating a new self.

Tag for my own content || Tag for reference posts

Aspect List (Present) || Aspect List (Past)

Born vs. Acquired Aspect

Dawn Design || Lucas Design || Barry Design (wip)

Ingo, Emmet, & Iris Design (greenix)

Assorted Information (wip) || Assorted Headcanons (wip)

League Systems (greenix) || League Systems (additional)

Pokemon Rangers, Ranger Regions, & their Roles

Rough Timeline of Events (wip) || Rough Placement of Regions (wip)

Explanation of AU (will contain potential spoilers):

(This AU blends the Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum games somewhat, as well as adds some things from the anime and manga here and there. Other games both mainline and side series might be mentioned at some point. Later leads into an altered plotline for Legends Arceus.)

The timeline of games is also slightly shaken up, with a game or two happening either earlier or later in the timeline than their release order.)

In a world where Aspects- beings who are both Legendary Pokemon and human- exist, things go a bit differently than in a world without them.

The trio from Twinleaf is more involved with the events surrounding Team Galactic, Lucas and Barry following Dawn as she clashes with them. They help her take them down and deal with the aftermath of the entire ordeal. After freeing the Lake Spirits from the team, Dawn took on Uxie and became her aspect, Lucas (her twin brother) took on Mesprit, and their childhood friend Barry took on Azelf. The three proceeded to defeat Cyrus atop Mt. Coronet, calming Dialga and Palkia with the help of the Lake Trio they bonded with. However, before Cyrus could attempt something else, Giratina pulled him into the distortion world, catching the trio and the recently arrived Cynthia as well. After battling the enraged Legendary and managing to sooth it with the help of the other two, Giratina sends all but Cyrus back to where they belong, though it seemed solemn upon parting with Dawn.

Several years later, Dawn holds the title of Champion (though Cynthia still takes on most of the duties until she reaches majority), Lucas has become Prof. Rowan’s full time assistant, and Barry has aspirations to join the ranks of Sinnoh’s Battle Facility. The three have slowly recovered from the stress of fighting Team Galactic, and have gained an extended family in the form of Sinnoh’s Elite Four and Cynthia. Things seem to have been going well, but there have been strange reports of people disappearing and unsettling rifts cropping up across the region- and in others. Things come to a head when a high-profile trainer from Unova disappears, leaving behind only his items and his team’s pokeballs. Cynthia leaves to attend to the problem and help investigate since these particular rifts seemed to have spread from Sinnoh, but Dawn and her brothers can’t resist attempting to help despite being warned away from doing so. For two years, nothing concrete is found aside from the fact that the rifts have something to do with space and time, until some hikers disappear from near the summit of Mt. Coronet. Dawn, knowing Cynthia was currently out of the region for a meeting with some of Unova’s league and the Interpol, goes with Barry and Lucas to attempt to evacuate the mountain and try to locate the missing.

After splitting up to cover more ground, Dawn is never seen coming down from the summit. The only things recovered are her bag full of items and her team’s pokeballs.

In the present, two regions are in states of alarm due to the disappearance of two very high profile trainers (and, known only to those aware of Aspects, two Legendaries). Many others are on edge, wary that the same could happen to them as well. People are warned not to approach areas containing rifts or other phenomena like them.

In the past, a young girl feels like she’s missing parts of herself, and finds the strange Warden of Lady Sneasler familiar in a way she can’t explain.

#chaos.txt #pla #pokemon dppt #pokemon au #also sorry if the @ bothers you greenix!! ^^;;#i'm never sure how people feel about being @'d #i just thought i'd make sure you could see the masterpost wip #in case there's anything you think i need to link/credit of yours that i missed #course im probably gonna end up branching off a bit from your stuff #but i wanna make sure i give proper credit to the stuff that sparked things #also this is mainly for my own reference ghfjkdsa #apotheosis.ref #apotheosis.txt

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s-creations · 4 months

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26 Ways to Feel Mortal - Z: Zeal

26 Chapters based around experiences that newly arrived Geno experiences while trying to find the Star Pieces.

Fandom: Super Mario & Releated Fandoms, Super Mario RPG Rating: Teen and UP Audiences Relationship: Mario/Geno (Nintendo), Mario/Princess Peach (Nintendo) Additional Tags: Rating for Teen needed for later chapters, but shouldn't be to worrisome, I'll have warnings if I'm worried, Poly relations!, Main characters will always be named, Minor characters will arrive as needed, the chapters are not in a specific order, just meets the needs of the given word, please be aware of spoilers

Zeal: (noun) Great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause of objective.

“Mario. …Mario, come on, you said you’d join me this time!”

Said hero let out a low groan as he rolled over onto his back. Part of the ceiling of his small home being partially blocked by Geno’s beaming face. The puppet clearly eager as he waited for Mario to sit up.

“I’m awake,” Mario let out a wide yawn, “I’m awake. Can you make the coffee for me?”

Geno nodded before practically bouncing off the bed and rushing over to the kitchen area. Shifting to sit on the edge of the bed, Mario rubbed his eyes to remove more of the remaining sleep. Eventually letting himself sit and watch as Geno moved around. The puppet hummed softly as he waited for the coffee to finish dripping. Wearing one of Mario’s old and very large red sweaters with his familiar hat and shoes in place.

It had been a few weeks since the Star road had been repaired. Mario receiving a happy surprise from Geno not long after. Who had happily announced that he’d been allowed to come and go as he wanted to. With the understanding that Geno would need to return to Star Road if the number of wishes grew substantially. Otherwise, Geno could live as he wanted to. Meaning, with Mario.

The hero had immediately offered a place for Geno to stay, more than happy to have the puppet as a roommate. Peach had thrown a large celebration when told of Geno’s return. Turning it into an even larger celebration upon learning the puppet could stay. Mallow had cried when Mario and Geno came for a visit. The newly homed prince happy to see his friend once more.

There had been a bit of growing nerves when Mario decided the time for Geno and Luigi to meet. The puppet worried about needing to impress the younger brother. However, it was more Mario’s turn to worry as Luigi did not hold back upon teasing his older brother.

“Such a big hero, can’t just stay with one partner?” Luigi smirked.

“When are you proposing to Peasley?” Mario shot back.

Geno laughed softly at the brother’s teasing. Happy to know that Luigi accepted the Star being easier than what Geno had expected.

Now, weeks later, Mario was thrilled to start each day having the puppet by his side each day. Waking up to see Geno eagerly engaging each morning.

Mario was brought out of his thoughts when a mug of coffee was passed to him. Letting out a small laugh, Mario took a sip before saying, “Am I moving to slow for you?”

Geno playfully huffed before replying with, “Maybe.”

“Alright, alright, I’m coming.”

Geno was already out the door before Mario even moved to fully slide off the bed. Said hero shivering as the morning chill washed in. Shuffling after the excited puppet, Mario takes in the darkened morning sky with a smile. Mentally noting that some of the stars were shining a bit brighter than usual.

Taking another sip of coffee, he walked up to where Geno was standing. Both leaning on the tall banister, Geno pressing close to Mario while the human wrapped his arm around the other.

Eyes on the horizon as the darkness slowly changed to pastel sky.

The sun eventually peeked out from the horizon.

Both shared a warming kiss as they welcomed a new morning.

#geno smrpg #geno #mario #mallow #princess peach #bowser #genario #s-creations #fanfiction

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jenstar1992-2 · 3 years

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Here with You

Pairing: Echo x reader/ Hunter x reader

Warnings: Mentions of nightmares/ trauma, reliving a traumatic experience, Order 66 (because it’s a warning in itself)

Word count: 7,103

A/N: Well, I knew it, it hasn’t been a whole day since I saw the Bad Batch premiere, and I’ve already gotten my first writing idea (yes, this took me like two days to write because I kept getting interrupted). I just couldn’t get the image of my poor baby Echo in that med bay and seeing the trauma those damned Separatists caused him out of my head. All I want to do is hold him and never let go, he deserves the world. This was originally just going to be an Echo x reader, but it turned into a Hunter x reader as well, because I just couldn’t help myself, I love them both, and wanted both of them to get some lovins. Also, I get the sense that Omega is a smart kid, and that she’s pretty well spoken, so I tried to write her as such, while still keeping that childlike innocence, so hopefully it comes across that way.

So much had transpired within the last few days and you were still trying to wrap your head around all of it. The jedi had been almost entirely wiped out in a single day, and while you were certain their had to be other survivors besides yourself, you were unclear as to what that number was. Luckily for you, you had been amongst friends when Order 66 was given, and your men turned on you. If it weren’t for the Bad Batch, you were certain you wouldn’t be alive right now.

As you sat in the cockpit of the Marauder, the memories began to flood your brain, which caused involuntary tears to fill your eyes.

You and your men had been sent to Kaller to aid Master Billaba and her troops. However, upon your arrival, you were greeted with a pleasant surprise. It turned out, Clone Force 99 had been on planet already and had taken out a large amount of the droids before you even landed.

You had worked with this group before and had even enjoyed the experience. While your men thought their tactics and unprofessional antics were unnecessary and even a bit annoying, you found the group to be, for lack of a better term, fun. You had been around stuffy, uptight individuals for so long, it was nice to have a change of pace, and while your men were great, they tended to be sticklers for the rules and rarely wanted to take risks.

You also got along with this team rather well, enough to consider them good friends, but you were especially close with their newest recruit. You and Echo had known each other well before he joined the Bad Batch, even before his accident at the citadel, and had been friends for just as long, although as time went by and you found yourself encountering him more and more in your life, you slowly realized you might feel more for the trooper than you should, more than you’d ever admit aloud. So, when you’d heard of his survival and rescue, you had been elated, and that happiness resurfaced at the thought of seeing him again.

You exited the gunship and saw the rag-tag group of clones speaking with Master Billaba on the now quiet battlefield. They turned as you and your men made your approach. As you got closer to the group, you scanned the faces of its members before you found him, smiling brightly as your eyes connected, he did the same.

You came to stand before their leader, raising your gaze to meet the man’s unwavering stare.

“Sergeant”, you greeted him, extending a hand formally, which he took without hesitation, shaking it firmly.

“General, good to see you again”, he said with a smile.

“You too”, you responded.

You’d always liked Hunter, from the beginning he’d always struck you as a respectable man, and you admired the fact that he could allow his men to be their reckless selves while also keeping them in line, but only when necessary, it seemed. There was something else too, something you hadn’t noticed right away, but after a few more encounters with the man, you put it together, coming to an all to familiar realization, one that brought butterflies to your stomach, while also bringing about a slight anxiety. How could you let this happen, it was bad enough falling for one man you couldn’t have, but two, you were sure the universe was out to hurt you.

“General (L/N), I’m glad to see your trip was a safe one, and better late than never I suppose”, Depa said, drawing you from Hunter’s gaze to hers.

“Sorry Master Billaba, we were assisting Masters Luminara and Yoda on Kashyyyk when we got word of your need for reinforcements, we got here as soon as we could”, you said, then looking around at the desolated droids scattered across the landscape. “Although, from what I can tell, you seem to now have a handle on things.”

“Yeah, thanks to these guys”, Caleb, Depa’s padawan, exclaimed, gesturing to the group of men before you. “You should’ve seen it, they took all those droids out in a matter of minutes, it was incredible.”

You chuckled. “Yes, I’m well aware of the marvel that is Clone Force 99, and they do put on quite the show”, you said, shooting a quick glance Echo’s way. “Incredible indeed.”

Your words caused the trooper to smile shyly at you.

“Yes, well, we’re still glad you’re here, we just launched a counterattack, and the more assistance, the better”, Depa said.

You nodded. “You need us, we’ll stay”, you said before turning to your troops. “Men, a counterattack has been launched, I want you to rendezvous with Master Billaba’s troops and aid in the attack, Commander Roran, you’re with me. Let’s move!”

With that your troops dispersed, leaving you and your commander where you stood. You turned back to face everyone.

“So, how can we help”, you asked.

“Actually, I don’t think we’ll be needing your assistance after all, in fact, this war might soon be over”, Tech spoke up, causing you to give him a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, according to the encrypted comm chatter, Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi has found and engaged General Grievous on Utapau”, he responded.

“If he captures, or kills Grievous, the separatist command structure will collapse”, Echo chimed in.

“And most likely the droid armies along with them”, Tech finished.

“It can’t be that easy, can it”, you asked, looking to the jedi master.

“While it is an interesting theory, I would not bet our hopes on it, we should focus on the task at hand”, she replied.

“I agree, we should focus our energy on this attack, strike while we have the advantage”, you said.

Hunter nodded. “Any orders, or shall we do what we do”, he asked, directing his words at Depa.

“What do you think General, should we let them ‘do what they do’”, she asked you.

You chuckled and folded your arms over your chest. “Probably our best bet, what do you think Caleb”, you asked the padawan.

“I say we let them, but only if I can go with them”, he responded.

You looked to his master, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Very well”, she said, giving the boy permission.

“Ronan and I will tag along too”, you stated, then looking to Hunter. “Just in case you guys need a hand.”

“Hope that wasn’t a jab at me”, Echo said, coming to stand beside you while simultaneously lifting his cybernetic arm.

You immediately regretted your choice in words and stammered your defense.

“N- no, I didn’t mean, I would never.”

He let out an amused laugh. “I’m just messing with you General, sorry”, he said.

You then scowled at him before poking a finger at his chest plate.

“Not funny”, you said, but couldn’t keep the smile from forming on your face.

“I said I was sorry”, you heard him say as you began walking in the direction your troops had gone. He soon caught up and walked alongside you.

You chuckled. “Well, it’s nice to know you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

“Nah, but I did lose a couple other things”, he said, face turning slightly serious.

You stopped walking and just stood for a moment, a sad expression now adorning your features. Noticing your actions, Echo ceased his movements as well and looked back to you.

“What is it”, he asked.

You went to stand in front of him before you spoke your next words. “Echo, I am sorry for your loss, truly I am, but honestly, I’d rather you be here and missing a few limbs, then for you to not be here at all. I’m just glad your alive, and that I get to see you again.”

He stared at you for a moment with an unreadable expression before smiling and nodding.

“I guess you’re right, and I’m glad our paths crossed again, I…”, he began, clearly wanting to say more, but stopping himself. You caught on though and decided to voice it for him.

“I missed you too”, you said, giving him a warm smile, prompting one of his own.

You both began walking once more to catch up with your comrades.

“You know, I was actually surprised you recognized me, what with the countless differences and all” he said with a chuckle.

You shook your head. “You can change all you want, I’ll still know it’s you”, you said.

“Yeah?”

“Yep, you might’ve changed a lot on the outside, but inside, you’re still the same Echo I’ve always known and loved”, you said, saying the words before they fully registered with your brain, but once they did you nearly froze in your stacks, your face instantly reddening with embarrassment. You quickly tried to back track before he could respond. “I mean, uh, well, y- you know what I mean.” Smooth.

He chuckled, amused at your obvious embarrassment of your less-than-ideal choice of words yet again.

“It’s okay, I know what you mean”, he said, giving you a reassuring smile before seemingly letting the subject drop, much to your relief.

You nodded as you carried on toward the others.

Suddenly, a wave of emotions flooded your mind, and it was as if hundreds of voices were crying out within the confines of your skull. You stopped, placing a hand to the side of your head in an attempt to stop the dizziness that accompanied the voices.

Echo noticed and came to your side, placing a steadying hand to your back.

“Are you okay”, he asked, clearly concerned.

“S- somethings wrong, I feel… death, so much death, I don’t know…”, you began through heavy breathes, but you were soon cut off by the sound of blaster fire.

You both looked to see Master Billaba’s men attempting to gun her down as she deflected their blasts with her lightsaber. Before you could fully process the sight in front of you, you heard Caleb yell for his master, seeing him rush past you, saber ignited and ready to jump to her aid.

“Caleb, no…”, you shouted, but before you could run after him a burning pain in your left arm stopped you.

You grabbed your now wounded arm and turned to see Roran facing you, blaster raised and aimed directly at you.

“Commander”, you said in confusion, but before you could get another word out, he was firing again. You were able to deflect the blasts with your saber, yelling at him as you did so. “Roran, why are you doing this?”

Suddenly, the blasts stopped as Echo came to your aid, wrestling the blaster out of the commander’s hands before knocking him out cold. He then rushed to your side once more, seeing you kneeling and clutching your head.

“General, (Y/N), (Y/N), can you hear me? Say something”, he urged, but try as you might, you couldn’t form the words to respond.

Your head was swimming in a sea of pain, death, and betrayal, most of which you were certain weren’t coming from you, more like from the force itself. You’d felt disturbances in the force before, but none like this, it was all encompassing and soon you found yourself slipping from consciousness from the intensity of it all.

***

When you finally came to, you found yourself laying in a bunk aboard the Havoc Marauder. When you tried to sit up a hand caught your shoulder and gently coaxed you back down.

“Easy (Y/N), you don’t want to push yourself, you sustained a pretty bad injury, you should rest”, a familiar voice said softly.

“Echo, what, what happened… they turned on us, why would they do that”, you asked, looking at him with confusion and sadness mixing in your expression.

“I don’t know, we’re still trying to figure that out ourselves, but you’re safe now, I won’t let them hurt you again, you have my word. Now rest”, he said, trying to comfort you, but knowing it wouldn’t help much given what you’d just been through.

“No”, you heard someone say, the volume of it startling you slightly, and you looked to see that it was Hunter, who had just entered.

“What do you mean ‘no’”, Echo asked him, confused.

“I mean, she can’t stay here, it’s not safe”, he explained, and when you both gave him a befuddled look, he continued, “It’s Crosshair, there’s… something wrong with him. I think whatever happened to those soldiers is happening to him too, but I can’t be sure.”

“What makes you think that”, you questioned, finally sitting up and turning to place your feet on the floor.

He looked behind him, making sure you three were the only ones in ear shot before bending down to your level.

“He tried to kill that padawan”, he said, so low it was almost a whisper.

“Caleb, is he alright”, you asked, fear and concern thick in your voice.

“He’s alive, but other than that, I’m not sure. He ran off after…”, he began, but the words died on his lips.

You nodded in understanding. “So, what should I do, where should I go?”

“Stay here, on Kaller, find somewhere to hide. We’ll go back to Kamino and sort this out, once it’s safe, we’ll come back for you”, he said.

You nodded, agreeing to do as he said, knowing you really had no other option at this point.

Shortly after this conversation you readied yourself to leave, Tech giving you some medical supplies in case you would need to re-bandage your arm before they returned.

Echo ended up accompanying you in your search for shelter, telling the others he wasn’t going anywhere until he knew you’d found somewhere safe to stay. You had resisted the gesture, wanting him to get as far away from danger as possible, but he insisted.

You found a cave a few miles from the ship’s current location and decided it was as good a place as any to crash for, what you were hoping would only be, a few days.

“You sure you’re going to be okay here”, Echo asked, looking into the cold, dark cave.

“I’ll be fine, I’ve stayed in worse places. Besides, it’s the safest place we’ll find in the wilderness, and it’s dark, perfect for hiding”, you said in a poor attempt to lighten the mood, you didn’t know why, force of habit you guessed. Although, all this earned you was a sad smile from the trooper.

“We’ll be back soon, just stay out of sight until then, okay?”

You gave a small smile, bringing your hand up to your forehead for a two fingered salute. “Yes sir”, you said. This actually earned you a small laugh, which at this moment was music to your ears. You lowered your hand and looked into his eyes, taking on a more serious expression. “Just… be safe.”

“I should be telling you that”, he said.

“Yeah, well, I beat you to it”, you said, half grinning.

“I will if you will.”

You nodded. “Then I will.”

Suddenly your body was moving without you telling it to, and you found yourself wrapping him in a tight hug, closing your eyes to keep from crying, and soon the gesture was returned, leaving the both of you in a long embrace.

“Don’t forget me, okay”, you said, the threat of tears evident in your voice.

He squeezed you a little tighter. “Never.”

***

Turns out, you didn’t have to hide out in that cave long at all, as they had returned to retrieve you within two days’ time, with a new crew member, but without Crosshair. You two hadn’t been the best of friends by any means, and the man’s standoffishness really irked you sometimes, but you’d always known that deep down, he wasn’t such a bad guy. So, when the boys had told you what had happened between their return to Kamino and their escape from the planet, it put a surprising strain on your heart. You wanted to be angry with Crosshair for his actions, for attempting to kill Caleb and other innocents, but you just couldn’t, especially after you were informed of the inhibitor chips planted within every clone trooper. You couldn’t be mad at him, you couldn’t hate him, because it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t any of their faults, they were being used just like the jedi had been, if not more so, and this knowledge extinguished any hatred that had grown in you since the day that order was given.

Thinking back on all of this had you shedding silent tears as you watched the streaks of light pass before your eyes, attempting to let yourself to be swept away in the beauty that was hyperspace. This always seemed to calm your mind, but it didn’t seem to be working this time, so you simply stared and let the tears run down your cheeks.

“Hey, you okay”, Hunter asked from the seat beside you, having temporarily taken over piloting the ship in order to allow the others to rest.

You were snapped out of your thoughts by his words and quickly wiped the tears from your face before answering.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, still just trying to figure all of this out”, you replied somberly.

He nodded. “I understand, we still don’t have it all figured out either and with every answer comes new questions”, he said.

You hummed in agreement. “I guess my biggest question is, why now, why did Palpatine wait so long to put this grand plan in action? I mean, he could’ve done it years ago, but no, he waited… waited for us to get close to those who would eventually become our executioners, and worse, he took away their free will to do it. Those troopers, they weren’t the men they used to be, it’s like they were brainwashed.”

“Tech said they were programmed and when the chips were activated, it basically took over their minds, so I guess, in a way, they are brainwashed”, Hunter said, looking back out at the blue glow of hyperspace.

“Those poor men”, you said after a moment of silence.

Hunter turned his head to look at you, an astonished expression over his features, he then let out an amused huff.

“You are truly a wonder, you know that?”

“What”, you asked him, confused by the comment.

“Even after everything you’ve been through, and after what they did to you and your kin, you still feel pity for them”, he explained. “You’ve always been able to see people for who they really are, and forgive them for their faults, it’s commendable, and it’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

“You admire me”, you asked, raising an eyebrow and grinning in amusement.

He gave you a single nod. “Always have”, he said, giving you a soft smile.

The way he was looking at you made your cheeks begin to heat as a light blush covered them, and you turned away in an attempt to hide it, but he noticed, and his smile widened a bit as he looked back out the view port.

“I think you’re right by the way, about Palpatine waiting so long to execute his plan. I think he wanted you all to build those relationships, that trust, with your men, so that, when the time came, he could not only take you all out, but destroy your conviction as well”, he said, his voice lower than before.

“That’s a bit ominous, given our current situation”, you said, only half joking.

He turned to you suddenly, eyebrows raised in mild shock.

“(Y/N), you don’t think we’d… we’d never hurt you, I’d never hurt you, we’re on your side, I promise”, he said, hurt in his eyes. Did you really not trust him?

Seeing his reaction made your heart squeeze, you hadn’t meant to hurt him, you were just confused and scared. You felt as if your whole world had come crumbling down around you, and you were still trying to resurface from the rubble. But you knew you were wrong for thinking, even for a second, that you couldn’t trust Hunter and his men.

“I know, I’m sorry. I do trust you, all of you”, you said, trying to sound reassuring, but it only came out as sadness.

It looked as if the sergeant was contemplating something, his hands reflexively grabbing at nothing as they opened and closed on his lap. You knew he wanted to do something, wanted to comfort you, but he also didn’t want to invade your space, worried that would be crossing a line. So, you took the initiative.

You reached over and took one of his hands from his lap, holding it softly before giving it a reassuring squeeze and sending a smile his way. This prompted him to smile back, and you both just sat like that for a minute.

Suddenly, you heard a commotion from the bunks, and your name being called out by a desperate voice.

Recognizing the voice, you jumped up from your seat. “Echo”, you said, concern in your tone, before looking back to Hunter.

He simply nodded. “Go”, he said softly.

You gave a confirming nod and let go of the hand you’d still been holding, before quickly making your way to the bunks.

When you entered the room, it took you a second to assess the situation before you. Echo was laying in his bunk, breathing heavy, head shaking from side to side, and body trembling, as if he were in a state of terror. All this while Omega stood by the bunk, watching with concern. She looked back to you when you entered, then ran to you.

“I tried to wake him, but it’s not working, he keeps calling for you, you’ve got to do something”, she said in a rush, voice and eyes full or worry for her new friend.

You bent down to her level and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, I know what to do, you go wait with Hunter, okay? Everything will be fine”, you told her, attempting to quell her worry.

You then stood and made your way to Echo, sitting on the edge of the bunk and looking over him with your own worried expression. You really didn’t know what to do, you’d never been faced with something like this before. He was clearly having a terrible nightmare, and you wanted to help, so you just acted on instinct.

You placed a hand on his shoulder and shook lightly, softly calling his name, trying to wake him as gradually as you could, as you figured startling him awake would be counterproductive. However, this didn’t seem to work, and hearing your voice only caused him to say your name more. Seeing him like this broke your heart, and for a moment you felt totally helpless, but then you had an idea. You moved your hand from his shoulder, bringing it to cup the side of his face, your thumb instinctually beginning to rub soothing circles on his cheek, and you bent down to speak quietly in his ear.

“Echo, it’s (Y/N). You don’t have to be scared, I’m here, I won’t let them hurt you anymore”, you said, gently grabbing his flesh hand with your free one and holding it to your chest. “I’m here for you, I’ll always be right here with you, it’s okay. Wake up Love. Come back to me.”

As you spoke you could see him slowly calm, and with your final request, his eyes fluttered open, finding yours instantly.

“There you are”, you said softly, a smile spreading over your face. You were just relieved that the nightmare was over, and he seemed to be calming more with each passing second.

As he took in your presence before him, he let out a relieved sigh, but then looked to you with a strained expression.

“(Y/N), I… I was back, back with them, back to that day, I… I didn’t know how or why, and I just…”, he said in a desperate rush.

You shushed him, and let your hand continue to stay where it was in an attempt to sooth the frightened man lying next to you.

“I know, it’s okay, you’re okay now, you’re here with me, you’re safe, I promise”, you reassured him.

This seemed to work, and he let out another sigh as he closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing once again, coming back to a steady pattern in no time. When he opened his eyes again, he noticed the position you both were in; you were sitting very close beside him, one hand resting on his cheek, while the other held his hand close to your heart, with his clutching yours in return, like you were his lifeline, which he had to admit, wasn’t far from the truth. You were the one he could trust without question, the one he could confide in, always had been.

You noticed this too and immediately went to pull away, slowly dropping his hand as you did, cheeks now burning. You didn’t get very far though, before he grabbed your wrist with his newly freed hand. “No”, he said, and pulled the hand back towards his head, coaxing you to return it to its previous spot. “Don’t stop… please.”

You stared at him for a moment with an unreadable expression, before finally giving him a tentative nod and continuing your earlier action of rubbing your thumb in circles on his cheek. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the pillow, relaxing easily under your touch, this causing you to smile, glad you could be of comfort to him. You stayed like this for a while before your curiosity got the best of you and you voiced the question that had been on your mind since you first heard him call your name.

“Echo”, you said in a questioning tone. He hummed in response, not opening his eyes. “Why, why me?”

He looked at you then, confused. “What do you mean?”

“When you were having your nightmare, you, you called out for me, I was just wondering, why me”, you explained.

“I did”, he asked.

“Yeah, quite a few times actually. Was I in your dream or something?”

He looked away, a bit embarrassed.

“Not exactly”, he said.

You used the hand that was still on him to lightly pull his head to face you, speaking once his eyes were fixed on yours once again.

“Echo, you know you can tell me anything. What is it”, you asked.

“You weren’t in the dream, technically, and it wasn’t really a dream, more like I was reliving a memory, the memory of the citadel, and…”, he explained, his words dying off as he found it hard to voice them.

You placed a reassuring hand on his chest and gave him a nod in understanding.

“So, you were reliving that day, I’m sorry, I know that can’t be easy. But I still don’t see what that has to do with me, I wasn’t there, if I had been, I would’ve taken that blow for you”, you said, suddenly feeling tears behind your eyes, but you fought them back internally.

His eyes widened and he quickly grabbed your hand from its spot on his chest, squeezing it firmly.

“No, don’t say that”, he said urgently, suddenly sitting up, causing your hand to slip from his face, instead falling to rest at the intersection of his shoulder and neck.

“But…”, you tried to say, but he cut you off.

“No (Y/N), I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, least of all on you”, he said, staring directly into your eyes. You could only nod sadly as you tried to keep your emotions in check, which was getting harder as this interaction continued. He then softened his gaze and let out a long breath. “You were there, in a way.”

You gave him a confused look, about to ask what he meant, until he continued.

“After the explosion, I just laid there for a long time, feeling everything and nothing all at the same time, I was basically just waiting to die”, he told you. Your heart squeezed at his words, as the tears threatened to rise. “But then, I heard someone’s voice calling out to me, your voice. You were telling me not to give up, not to leave you, to keep fighting, and so I did. I bared the pain and rejected the urge to just slip away, even after they took me, I fought through all of it, because I knew that if I survived, then there was a chance I’d make it back to you, and… I really wanted that.”

That’s all it took, his words hit you straight in the chest and flowed through you, causing the flood gates to release and the tears to fall. Echo looked worried then and released your hand, bringing his to cup your cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you sad”, he said, internally wishing he hadn’t said anything.

You shook your head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, and I’m not sad that you told me, I’m glad you did”, you said, wiping the tears from the other side of your face. “Honestly, I’m just happy your alive, and that you did find your way back to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. When I heard what happened on Lola Sayu I couldn’t believe it at first, it didn’t feel real, but once I accepted it was… I had never felt true grief until that moment, and the sense of longing was almost unbearable. All I kept thinking was how I was angry with myself for wasting the time I had with you, lying. Lying to you, and to myself.”

“What are you talking about, lying about what”, he asked, sliding his hand down to hook a finger around your chin and turn your face back to face him after you’d turned it away during your confession.

You took a deep breath before speaking next. “I lied to you before, when I acted like that slip up was just a poor choice of words, I meant exactly what I said. See, the truth is, I was upset with myself because I never told you…”, you paused, finding this confession to be much harder than you had thought it would be to get out, “never told you that I…”

After another long pause, Echo decided to take the initiative, seeing as he knew exactly what you wanted to say, as it was the same thing he’d wanted to say to you all that time ago, still did. He used the hand that had a hold of your chin to pull you to him as he caught your lips in a kiss, one that while soft, was full of so much emotion it was almost palpable. You were surprised at first, but soon melted into the kiss, feeling completely content with staying there as long as possible.

Much too soon for your liking, Echo pulled away, but only to place his forehead against yours and let the long overdue words slip from his lips. “I love you too.”

Your smile reached your ears as his words filled you with untainted happiness, which prompted him to smile widely himself. Why had you both waited so long to do this, you didn’t know, but you were glad it was finally happening.

“Why did we spend all that time hiding, when we could’ve just done this”, you asked.

He chuckled. “Because we were both cowardly idiots”, he said.

You hummed in agreement. “I still can’t believe you did all that for me”, you said in a more serious tone.

He pulled back to look into your eyes. “Of course I did… I’d do anything for you (Y/N)”, he told you.

“Anything?”

He nodded in response and you smiled again.

“Kiss me again”, you said, it was more of a request than a demand.

He smiled and pulled you close so your face was mere inches from his.

“Yes Ma’am.”

***

It had been a good fifteen minutes since the cries had stopped and no noise could be heard from Echo’s bunk. Omega was no longer worried, knowing you had it handled, but her curiosity was starting to get the best of her.

“What do you think their talking about in there, it’s so quiet, maybe I should…”, she said as she got up from the co-pilot seat, moving in the direction of the bunks, but she was stopped by a hand grabbing her forearm, causing her to turn and stare at Hunter questioningly.

“Don’t, they’re fine, and it’s none of our business what their talking about, so just let them be, alright”, he said, giving her a warning look, one that wasn’t all that intimidating to the young girl, but she listened nonetheless and returned to her seat.

After a moment she spoke again, not being able to take the silence any longer.

“So, what’s the deal with those two, are they together, or is it some secret that everyone knows about except them”, she asked the sergeant.

Hunter laughed, this kid really was perceptive, not that anyone with eyes couldn’t see the attraction between you and Echo, it had always seemed so obvious to him, which is why he never spoke on his own feelings for you.

“Yeah, there seem to be… unspoken feelings between the two of them, but I’m sure they’ll get their acts together soon enough, especially now that they’ll be around each other more often”, he told her.

She thought on this for a moment before responding.

“I think so too… and what about you”, Omega asked him.

“What about me?”

“Are you going to get your act together as well”, she asked, raising her eyebrow and grinning at him.

“What are you talkin’ about kid”, Hunter asked, wondering if she’d somehow figured it out.

“Seriously, I’ve only just got here and I can see it”, she said.

“See what?”

“That Echo isn’t the only one who has feelings for the general.”

Hunter turned to the young clone, a look of surprise on his face. Very perceptive indeed.

“Why don’t you just tell her, at least one of you should pluck up the courage to do it”, she said.

He exhaled heavily as his features returned to a more neutral expression.

“It’s not that simple kid, there are just some things you’re not old enough to understand. Besides, it’s not reciprocated so there’s really no point, she’s made her choice, and I have to respect that”, he explained, hoping that would be that. However, he wasn’t going to be that lucky.

“Your wrong”, Omega said simply.

“What?”

“Your wrong, those feelings, they are reciprocated, yeah she likes Echo, but she likes you too.” She said it with such confidence that it made him wonder if the statement was true.

“Really, and how do you know that”, he asked, an almost sarcastic tone in his voice.

She shrugged. “Female intuition.”

He raised a suspicious brow at her but decided not to think too much on it.

“Hm, well, even if you are right, she’s still made her choice, and I won’t get in the way.”

“Won’t get in the way of what?”

Your voice made both of them jump a little. You had just made your way back to the cockpit and had clearly overheard the last bit of their conversation.

“Nothing”, Hunter said, watching you come to stand beside Omega, perching your arm on the headrest of the co-pilot chair and leaning on it.

“Really? Didn’t sound like nothing”, you said, raising your eyebrow in suspicion.

Omega suddenly perked up and turned in her chair to look up at you.

“Hey (Y/N), do you think it’s possibly for someone to love more than one person at a time”, she asked.

You were a bit taken aback by the question, but figured you’d answer, seeing as how you were being very honest today.

“Yes, I do, it actually happens a lot more often than you think”, you responded, purposefully avoiding Hunter’s gaze as you looked at the child.

“And what does that person do, you know, when they realize they have feelings for more than one person”, she then asked.

“Well, usually that person then has a decision to make, and they just hope they don’t break any hearts in the process. You see, love can be a tricky endeavor. However, I think if someone does fall for two individuals at once, then there are other options”, you said, rather matter-of-factly, given the topic at hand.

“Like what?”

“Those involved could always enter into a relationship all together, I suppose”, you said, wondering just how far she was going to take this conversation.

“And that would work”, she asked, seeming almost hopeful.

“It’s possible, yes, but only if all members involved are okay with it. They all need to know that’s what’s going on, and there can’t be any secrets”, you explained.

“Huh, I guess that makes sense”, Omega said, seeming content with your explanation. Then another thought seemed to hit her. “Hey (Y/N)?”

You hummed in response.

“Have you ever been in love”, she asked curiously.

“Omega”, Hunter said firmly, giving her another look of warning.

“No, no, it’s fine”, you informed him, not wanting him to reprimand the girl for just being curious. “To answer your question Omega, yes, yes I have.”

“With more than one person”, she continued.

You raised an eyebrow at her and crossed your arms over your chest.

“What’s with the twenty questions, am I being interrogated or something”, you asked, only half joking.

She shook her head. “No, just curious is all.”

“Uh huh, well why don’t you stow that curiosity away for later and go get some rest, it’s quiet now”, you told her.

“What did you do, I mean, how did you get him to stop”, she asked as she stood from her seat.

“I just let him know that he was safe, and that there was nothing to be afraid of”, you said, which wasn’t a complete lie.

“That’s it”, she asked.

You nodded. “That’s it.”

She gave you a look of suspicion but didn’t act on it.

“Okay”, she said, drawing out the word, and made her way to exit the cockpit.

“Sleep tight”, you called after her as she disappeared down the small corridor. You then turned back to the view port and took a seat in the now empty chair, sighing heavily before finally looking to Hunter. “Well, that was interesting, care to tell me what that was all about?”

“Not really”, he said, turning back to face forward.

You raised a brow. “Seriously?”

He shrugged and kept his gaze where it was.

You sighed again and leaned back in your chair. “Alright then, but I think it’s worth mentioning that the kid knows what she’s talking about, you might want to listen to her every now and then, she’s quite intuitive.”

He looked to you then, confusion on his brow.

“What do you mean”, he asked.

You laughed. “I mean, what she said about me is true”, you said.

His eyes widened a bit. “You, you heard that”, he asked, and you nodded in response. “How much of it?”

“Enough”, you said simply.

He looked away again as he spoke. “Then you know it doesn’t matter how I feel, you’ve made your choice, and I’m okay with that, I’ll have to be”, he said, trying to keep up this act of indifference.

You turned in your seat to face him. “You keep saying that, but, what if I don’t want to choose, because how you feel does matter, Hunter. At least, to me it does.”

He turned his head to meet your gaze. “What exactly are you proposing”, he asked.

“Nothing yet, just letting you know that, I know, and that the feelings are mutual.”

He smiled at this and nodded his understanding.

“What about Echo, have you told him yet”, he asked.

“We talked, and confessions were made… finally”, you said with a smile.

You both laughed then, happy to finally air things out a bit, all the pent-up emotions were wearing on all of you it seemed, and it felt nice to not have to hide it anymore.

“How do you think he’ll feel about your non-proposed proposal”, he asked with a grin.

“I don’t know, but we’re all adults, we can sit down and have a civilized conversation about this, and… we’ll figure this all out”, you told him.

He gave an amused huff. “You make it sound so formal.”

You nodded and gave a light chuckle. “At first, yeah, but I get the feeling that once this proposal is made, all persons involved will be… willing to give it a try”, you said, taking his hand and holding it in both of yours. “Then things will get more… informal.”

He smiled. “Yeah, how can you be so sure”, he asked, leaning toward you.

You smiled back and leaned in as well, your faces now only inches apart.

“Female intuition”, you whispered, your smile turning a bit smug.

He chuckled in amusement. “You’re ridiculous”, he said, before closing the gap between you.

The kiss was sweet and felt just as right as the ones you’d had with Echo, and just like those ones, this kiss ended all to quickly, but you were content to sit back and bask in the afterglow, you didn’t want to rush things after all.

You both sat there a moment, leaning back in your seats, staring out the view port, arms stretched as your hands sat, intertwined, between you. Maybe this really could work, only time would tell.

After what felt like hours, but in reality, had only been minutes, Hunter looked to you with a soft smile.

“I’m glad you’re here with us”, he said.

You smiled back and gave his hand a light squeeze.

“Me too”, you said, and you both stayed like that for a long while, enjoying a view you each thought was much better than the one outside the view port.

Little did you know, behind you Omega stood at the entrance of the cockpit, looking on silently and grinning from ear to ear, feeling quite pleased with herself.

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maybemayura · 3 years

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“Prompts With May” MasterList

Hello! My writing challenge, Prompts With May, is officially closed. Fanart is incoming!

In the meantime, check out ALL FOURTEEN of the submissions! I can honestly say I was blown away. You guys are such excellent writers, and you’ve made my choice of winners Very Difficult. 😅 I’ll likely be choosing an honorable mention or two as well. If you don’t see your tumblr tagged, let me know! Now get out there and support each others’ work! :D

Fics (in order of appearance):

***

One Piggy Back Ride

A: @thehopeelias Prompt: piggy-back ride

Summary: A trip to try and achieve Gabriel's goal, does not go to plan and causes a lot of confusion.

***

Cat People

A: Silver_storm13 Prompt: adopting a pet

Summary: “Sir, if I may be so blunt,” translation: you will hear me out regardless, “we are perfectly aware of your… distaste for animals. This had to be done to prove that the cat won’t bother you.”

***

Feeling Your Pain

A: @thehopeelias Prompt: body/personality switch

Summary: A sentimonster causes Gabriel to walk in Nathalie's shoes... literally.

*** Midnight Snack With U / Spuntino di Mezzanotte con Te

A: Anonim_Girl05 Prompt: Midnight Snack

Summary: Gabriel and Nathalie meet in the kitchen at the most unexpected moment. / Gabriel e Nathalie si incontrano in cucina nel momento più inaspettato.

***

Shadow Snakes

A: @dishwater-blondie *Warning: Major Character Death Prompt: ghost problems

Summary: It wasn't meant to be like this. Nathalie's wishes never come true.

*** Morning People

A: Silver_storm13 Prompt: midnight snack

Summary: “Both of you should be in bed.” As Adrien’s shoulders deflated and Nathalie raised an eyebrow he quickly added, “I only say this for the good of both of you.”

“This is Hawkmoth’s fault,” Adrien grumbled as he petted Nushi. “He’s the one who sends akumas that interrupt Nathalie’s recovery.”

“Yes…” Nathalie agreed, her lips forming an imperceptible smile. Gabriel closed his eyes as he knew what was coming. “Hawkmoth is truly one unoccupied man.”

***

Changes

A: @unecoccinellenoire Prompt: minor injury

Summary: A minor accident stirs up some emotions for Gabriel and Nathalie.

***

Prize To Be Won

A: @rrainingart Prompt: carnival prize (gone wrong) Summary: Nathalie is the stuffed bear, and Gabriel is the unfortunate player. Hmm....

***

The Look He Didn’t See

A: Mary_Erna Prompt: tech issues

Summary: An event held by the Agreste Foundation. Marinette is there helping her parents, Nathalie is there instead of Gabriel. Only her tablet just broke, so Marinette tries to help. The few words they exchange results in a realization.

*** Take My Hand, Guide Me Through The Darkness A: @sarahsaura Prompt: hand-holding

Summary: Gabriel Agreste, thinking he's finally ready to make public appearances again, decides to attend a gala. Spoiler alert: he's not ready. Luckily, he has Nathalie by his side. Cute hand holding ensues.

***

Hand Hold

A: justafriend_agreste Prompt: hand-holding Summary: Situated a couple months after Gabriel gives up the miraculous, him and Nathalie start an early work shift, but a hand hold becomes more than simple.

***

Calm in the Storm

A: cookie_unicorn_247 Prompt: midnight snack

Summary: Our two love birds have a midnight snack.

***

you know me

A: @speckleflower Prompt: “shut up.”

Summary: Nathalie sancoeur is mayura. This comes as quite the shock to chat noir. aka: we live for nathalie/adrien content.

***

fin.

#miraculous fic #miraculous challenge #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction #gabenath #prompts with may #maybemayura

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writingtoforgetreality · 3 years

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Louisiana Fever (Bucky Barnes x GN!Reader)

Request: Hi! Since your ask are open could I have a imagine with bucky where him and his boyfriend (if you’re uncomfortable with male reader could you make it gender neutral pls?) are at the Wilson’s party and they talk about moving here and maybe getting a dog? Something really sweet and fluffy please? I’m having a hard time and need a bit of softness! Thanks you! (by @pastel-boy-sungjae), [Marvel-Masterlist]

Summary: A forever changing decision was made between Bucky & you. Whatever the future held for you, you could not wait to finally start somewhere new.

Words: 1,876 [Are you proud of me?]

Warnings: language, humor, fluff, short & sweet, no pronouns used, TFATWS spoilers, REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Louisiana. Home of the Wilson family. A pier alongside the turquoise sea which created comforting tunes to soothe your ears. The slight breeze that tickled your skin in the most pleasurable way possible. A peaceful place to stay & feel safe, no matter the alarming threats menacing this universe daily. Here, it appeared to be as calm as ever. Like a bubble enveloping the area here, along with its people. A dome to prevent jeopardy from taking over.

The party was hosted by Sam, assisted by his younger sister Sarah. They invited Bucky & in addition to that, he invited you. You were his partner & if he attended a get-together then he only ever did with you right by his side. At first, you disliked the idea of inserting yourself where you believed you were not wanted. Luckily, your boyfriend had some reassuring pep talks up his sleeve that convinced you to tag along.

A flight was booked & before you even knew it, Sam hugged you close to his body as he greeted you. Bucky had informed him that you would come along. To his best friend, that was a given. There was no Bucky without you & no you without Bucky. Hence why he did not explicitly say that he obviously invited you as well.

It was the first time you were introduced to Sam’s family & his friends living nearby. The locals were more than welcoming & helpful even though you were complete strangers. Plainly stated, you fell in love with this place. The atmosphere was incomparable, like nothing you had ever encountered. This new, unfamiliar feeling washed through your body & there was only one word that could come close to describing it. Home. Not Bucky’s apartment where you had moved into a while ago. This strange yet somehow well-known place triggered emotions in you that you thought did not exist. You wondered if Bucky reacted in a similar way as you walked down the pier, hands intertwined, gazing out to the endless blue horizon. Where one hue kissed the other in an almost seamless way. Connecting yet separating sea from sky. A stunning sight that caught your plenary attention. You imagined yourself spending hours, simply watching the sun rise during the chill hours of the morning & set during the warm hours of the evening. The light not only coloring the sky in reds & purples but that same tone reflecting in the waves of the water which were caused by the wind.

“Hey, lovebirds! A little help here!” a familiar voice echoed in your ears & you found yourself turning around as you searched for the source of it.

“We’ll be right there, Sam.” you yelled over the distance so he could hear you clearly.

“He does have awful timing.” Bucky joked, wrapping an arm over your shoulders. You giggled & silently agreed with him though both of you were aware that you did not mind one bit.

Preparations were almost done, you simply assisted with the last finishing touches. They really went out of their way to create a homely aura for everyone to enjoy. Bucky & you occupied one of the many wooden tables, sitting next to Sam, Sarah & her kids. You guys had so much fun & could barely contain your laughter. Those people were not just friends. They were family. Blood related or not, the feeling they gave you counted at the end of the day.

The barbeque was delicious, as were the many options of desserts. One of them which you brought along. Bucky whined about a cake & who were you to deny him something you loved too? And by the fast pace it was gone, you assumed the others relished it just as much.

Food was long forgotten but the chatter kept the party alive. In the lifestyle you found yourself in, it was a rare sight to be surrounded by so much happiness & contentment. Usually, people radiated desperation & fear. Here, it was as if nothing bad existed. Only the smiles & sparkles in people’s eyes as they talked about something they were passionate about or the most random topic that came to mind. It did not matter. Acceptance was capitalized & it was a gift to experience it. With your boyfriend, with your best friend. With soon-to-be friends, you hoped.

“…so they aren’t here today ‘cause they’re currently movin’ out.” Sam pointed to the house that sat right next to his. Your eyes widened a little at this statement.

“It’s up for sale then?” you questioned, referring to the cottage that definitely needed some hours of dedicated work but appeared to be worth it underneath its surface.

“Yeah, it is. Still looking for a new owner.” Sam nodded. A smirk spread onto your face & you nudged Bucky with your elbow to gain his attention. With raised eyebrows, he turned his head so your eyes were locking.

“Okay. What’s going on in that head of yours?” Bucky chuckled as he noticed the enthusiastic look you wore. Sam observed your interaction but decided to stay silent for the time being.

“We could buy it, right?” you suggested, rambling so your words blurred together & it was hard to make out what you said.

“The house?” it took him a couple of seconds before he answered your question with another one. Simply because he was uncertain if you were joking or if you were serious.

“No, a trip to Disneyland. Of course the house.” you replied with a slight sarcastic tone.

“You wanna move here?” Bucky asked once again to ensure that he understood correctly.

“Don’t you? I mean, it’s perfect for us, Buck. The people here are lovely & we’ve got Sam here.” you pointed out, trying to list as many positive aspects as necessary to convince him.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Sam chimed in & you directed your attention to him. “Does that mean robot-boy will be my neighbor?” he pointed his finger at Bucky with fake disgust that had you laughing.

“That would annoy you, wouldn’t it?” Bucky inquired with a sly smile.

“Totally.” Sam countered, now completely ignoring that it was your idea in the first place. The two of them were bickering like children & it was a useless attempt to stop them.

“Perfect, we’ll buy it then.” your boyfriend’s statement had you shocked but equally excited.

“Really?” you could not help but ask.

“Really.” Bucky assured you & placed a short kiss on your lips.

“Why did I even say anything?” Sam shook his head, mumbling those words so nobody heard. Deep down, he had to admit that the could imagine it to be pleasant to have you two with him at all times. Though he would never say that out loud.

“We’re gonna move to Louisiana.” you exclaimed, throwing your arms around Bucky’s neck to hug him tightly. Your future could finally begin here. Something told you that it was the right decision. Sam only had to pull some strings & the deal was almost as good as yours.

A few hours ticked by, the sun had already started setting & Bucky suggested to watch the remaining minutes down by the dock. Your back rested against his chest, his arms securely wrapped around your waist as you sat in between Bucky’s legs. Savoring the last sunbeams that shone into your face & had you squint your eyes in order not to blind you. A comfortable silence settled around you. The sound of the sea the only discernible noise amongst the calm of the evening. But every quiet had to end eventually. And it was you who broke it, voicing a thought that had been playing in the back of your mind ever since you agreed on moving here.

“Hey, what about a dog?” your question caught him off guard & he barely had time to prepare a reply.

“Huh?” was all he could muster & you giggled at his perplexity.

“A dog. When we move here. Don’t you think this is a perfect place for a dog?” you turned in his arms so you could hold eye contact.

“We’ve already got Sam.” Bucky scoffed & you rolled your eyes annoyingly at him.

“I’m being serious, Buck.” & you truly were. Ever since you could remember, you promised yourself that you would adopt a dog if the chance was given. With a house this size, it would be a waste to not fulfill your dream. You watched Bucky sigh but the glint in his eyes showed you that he contemplated your thought.

“We’re not getting a Chihuahua.” he made clear before you got even crazier ideas.

“What’s wrong with a Chihuahua?” your dumbfounded expression had him laughing.

“They’re outta the question.” he stated & left no room to argue.

“Fine.” you breathed out with an exaggerated sigh. “A Corgi?”

“Why?” you did not understand why you had to reason with him but you had to think fast to provide a reasonable explanation.

“Because they’re cute.” maybe not the smartest of replies but if you worked your pleading expression then you should win.

“You say that about every single dog. That’s not a valuable point.” Bucky called you out & earned a pout from you.

“But it’s very much true.” a short pause allowed you to gather your thoughts once more. “Besides, they remind me of you.”

“Do I even wanna know?” Bucky breathed out & threw his head back to visualize how done he was with you in this moment. You, of course, were aware that it was only him teasing you.

“No, but that was, in fact, a very valuable point & speaks for getting a Corgi.” a proud smirk made its way onto your face.

“You’re lucky I love you.” his ocean blue eyes flickered between yours. You moved forward & pressed a tender kiss on his cheek. “But I’m the one choosing the name.” he decided.

“No way.” you shook your head frantically. “We’ll end up with a dog called Dog then.” you almost whined.

“You can’t stop me from giving it a nickname.” he reasoned with that famous smirk of his & you groaned because you knew he was right.

“I don’t like it.” you mumbled after a few moments.

“Alright, no dog then.” Bucky shrugged his shoulders & pretended that it did not matter anyway. But it did. And he really did like the idea of getting a dog.

“NO WAIT!” you were quick to raise your voice & stop him from turning down your plan. “Ugh, can’t we just…I don’t know, pick a cute name together?” you offered him your best puppy dog eyes because he had a hard time resisting you whenever you played that card.

“We could.” Bucky agreed but kept his response short. He waited for you to ascertain what he meant.

“But?” your voice went an octave higher at the end.

“But I’ll still call it Dog. It’s a great nickname.” Bucky praised himself.

“It’s foolish.” you commented & crossed your arms over your chest.

“Do we have a deal or not?” his head tilted to one side, waiting to watch your reaction.

“What do you think?” your eyebrows perked up. “Of course we do!”

Published (05/10/2021) by Cathy

✨MY Ko-fi PAGE✨

Tags: @bibliophilewednesday, @msmarvelsmain, @weareironmanbitches,@zestyemby, @kattenjager1, @cheraboo330 (thanks for your support <3)

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wordynerdygurl · 3 years

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Skin Deep - Part 6

Author’s Note: Honestly, this story is nearing it’s ending. Hard to believe that a little idea I couldn’t shake has now grown into this mini-series! For all my die-hard homies, waiting for the next installment, I hope this is worth your while! If you’re new here, take a look around, see if you like anything and please, let the management know if you have any questions!! As always, writing like this requires the emotional support of people and pets. My dogs, Murphy and Winston, get me through a lot of plot bunnies just by being stalwart companions. My husband, graciously, lets me take these flights of fancy when I probably should be paying better attention to him and his day... and some of my besties here on Tumblr make it possible for me to do this for you guys. @sammy-jo1977 , my sister from another mister! Couldn’t/ Wouldn’t do it without you! To all the folks who follow me... My Minxes! Love you all! Stay well, be kind, and remember that Love, really does conquer all! If you want to be a Minx, send me a note, I’ll happily add you to my tag list! Lastly, be sure to like and share anything that you see on Tumblr that catches your eye. Creative types, we need the constant validation, you see? Without it, like an unwatered plant, we wither on the vine and perish! Be kind to those who help you through the day and reblog! Skin Deep Part 5 - click here for the previous chapter! Pairing: Loki x Reader, Steve, Valkyrie & Thor all make appearances Summary: Continued from Part 5, You and Loki put your plan into action, returning to Farmhouse. When you encounter Steve again, you learn there’s more than two sides to this story. Warnings: Loki’s POV and perspective, including mentions of his time under Thanos. I’m re-writing MCU history here, but some of the main beats are the same, so look out for SPOILERS for Dark World, Ragnarok, and a touch of Infinity War. The SNAP never happened because, reasons.

Empathy used to seem such a human emotion. Loki had no time for that on Asgard, not when Odin denied anything as frivolous as feeling. Hiding in plain sight was the means to survival and if that made the young prince sneaky and sly, so be it. By placing those parts of himself under lock and key; the parts that hurt, the ones that ached, Loki found it was safer to disconnect from others than subject himself to their suffering too.

Operating under the influence of Thanos and his minions when he held the scepter, Loki had purposefully divorced connection of any kind from his mind. It was dangerous. Weak. And moreover, it allowed Loki to do what Thanos commanded without really experiencing the horror, the havoc, of his actions for himself.

Who could hear the screams of women when the voice of Ebony Maw subliminally chanted all the ways that one could be dismembered at Thanos’ hands should Loki fail? What man would shed a tear after the near constant beatings doled out by Black Order members, just for the fun of it? How could someone care about a house, a car, a city, when they no longer cared about themself? Losing the Battle for New York had consequences far beyond the destruction of property. With Thanos’ hold over him vanquished, the walls around his heart, constructed in youth, crashed and burned like the dream of ruling Earth. Suddenly and completely out of reserves, Loki was powerless. And he felt everything. The fresh hurts caused by his manipulated ambitions in the hands of Thanos. The furious feelings of his brother, the inadequacies of his character, the feeble needs that drove his wild ambition washed over him unceasingly. Anger. Loss. Lunacy. Loki learned a hard truth in that moment. He was a monster. A freak. A creature beyond hope and salvation; proving his adoptive father right and his own hopeful heart wrong. Bitterness soured the fallen prince. Endless hours in isolation on Earth, which continued in his father's house, had Loki believing he had no chance of seeing the world outside again, and it hardened his heart further. To feel was so painful, so raw, and so humane. Why bother anyway? All that emoting, those high spirits, all they really did was expose you to derision. What was grief to a goblin? What was horror to a monster? What was love to a villain like him? An evil, conspiring demi-god, with a mind bent toward domination. A damaged, destroyed, deity alone and in pieces. Who would ever give someone like Loki Odinson a chance? Why should they?

Turning to his mother, Loki did everything but ask for forgiveness. In long rambling talks, her projection to his jailed person, the pair talked around ideas of guilt and innocence, of fate and fortune, of destiny versus desire, yet Loki never heard the words he needed in order to truly find peace.

If Frigga was aware of her son’s need for absolution, Loki would never know, as their last exchange was harsh and full of anger. Another stroke of loss, crippling now, because there was nothing Loki could do to change any of it from inside his prison cell. No illusion could conceal the painful ache that consumed him entirely.

Those days were dark, even for a soul as dusky hued as his own, and Loki’s thoughts followed a similar path. If there had been a way for him to shake off this immortal coil, free himself of the burden of living, Loki would have done so and been glad. Death was welcome compared to all this longing and heartache. But life, even a nearly immortal one, was funny.

When Thor provided a chance at redemption, Loki snatched at it, in his own detached way. He played hero, rescuing Jane, aiding his brother. And if he took a bit more in the form of deposing his arrogant, aging father, who would be surprised? He was Loki, God of Mischief, after all. Ruling the Nine Realms without the oppressive oversight of his father allowed Loki to prove himself in ways he never imagined. And Loki wasn’t just good at it. He was great. Of course, it helped that no one knew he was Loki. Living disguised as Odin was often unpleasant, frequently frustrating, but entirely necessary. Being Loki was still too difficult and likely to bring unwanted attention in the form of The God of Thunder, a thing that no one truly wanted, Loki least of all. Return Thor did, along with an unknown sister and the end of Asgard. When confronted with the insanity of Hela’s bloodlust, Loki’s only thought was of his kingdom, now without a ruler. He had worked too hard, too long, to see the land he cared for in the hands of an enemy, even if she called herself sister. Opening the Bi-Frost, panicked, his mind was solely on saving those he had recently held dominion over. They were his people, after all. But he never reached Asgard. Swallowing his fear, Loki focused all his energy on staying alive in a new and distracting environment, initially. What Loki found on Sakaar wasn't a new home base under a flamboyant, ineffective leader that he could control, even if that was his first design. On Sakaar Loki found his loyalty.

The proud, deep resonance of being Asgardian, of being an Odinson, of being capable and cool under pressure. Sure, he had to prove himself to Thor, Valkyrie, Banner and honestly, the rest of the kingdom, but actions speak louder than words. And through his actions on Sakkar, and by extension rescuing the people of Asgard, Loki had shown everybody his true mettle. It was on the deck of a stolen ship headed for Midgard that Loki had made a commitment of sorts. One that was not to the people, so recently saved or for his found family. This time, the promise Loki intended to keep was for himself. Loki was going to change. The problem is, a task like that takes time. Patience. Motivation. It was something that Loki had to work at and it was exhausting. They say that the best things come to those who wait. Loki was learning to wait everyday. Having earned a place at the side of his brother, he worked tirelessly to win over the heroes of his new home planet. Was it easy? Hardly, but Loki wasn’t willing to compromise. Not anymore. A life like Hela’s was not in his runes. Loki was simply going to be better. Not perfect. No one could be as good hearted as Captain America, nor could one be as tech savvy as Stark. So Loki was planning on being the best Loki he could possibly be, and that’s how he found himself going to meetings at The Avengers Tower, a mostly welcome addition to the team. Meetings weren’t all that exciting and boredom was an awful temptation for a deity devoted to mayhem. In fact, Loki spent more time doodling in his notebook than listening to whoever was droning on about whatever part of the world needed the attention of this motley crew. That was, until Pepper Potts hired her new assistant. That you were polite, pretty and pert wasn’t lost on the young god. Sitting outside Mrs. Iron Man’s office, typing away with a phone tucked under your ear, moving faster than anyone he had ever seen was certainly impressive. You were quick witted, clever and most of all, funny. Everyone else seemed to fall under your spell without much effort on your part, something that Loki found frustratingly fascinating. Here he was, struggling to get people to say his name without having a traumatic flashback, while you simply smiled and smarted off prettily, and had everyone singing your praises. But Norns, were you adorable. If he thought about it, and while off planet, Loki definitely had, he could remember the moment he realized that you were the woman he wanted. You were busy, as always, fielding phone calls and flipping through screens yet every moment your flying fingers weren’t hovering over a keyboard or pushing down telephone buttons they curled around a heart shaped charm at your throat. Clearly, it was a habit and one that you weren’t even aware of, still - it transfixed him all the same. Watching you from his side eye, your voice never wavering, your tone always so pleasing, and your nimble digits returning again and again to the small sigil around your neck. “Loki?” “Huh?” Dumbfounded at your call, those deep sea eyes blinked wildly at the sound of his name on your lips. “Hi! Yes, Pepper can see you now. Go ahead, she’s ready!” He rose on stiff legs, adjusting his tie, about to lie to Tony Stark’s woman all for the chance to see you in passing. Who had he become? It started out innocent like that, but soon, Loki was having to invent excuses for being in the office so frequently. Missing files, random visits, even going so far as to buy Tony coffee just for the thrill of seeing you. Something needed to change, and quickly, or Loki was going to blow. On another made up errand, hanging around the executive’s high rise office, Loki was doing a bad job of pretending not to see you. His mind was on your pouty lips as you sipped lemonade through a straw and not on the stately woman seated behind the desk.

“Loki, you’re a man of some… style.” Pepper said it so casually that he almost didn’t hear, his head lost in thoughts that would shame any other person. “I like to think so.”

Shutting her folder with a snap, Pepper smiled, “And you’d love to help your old friend Pepper out, right?” That got his attention, and quickly. Loki, shoving his hands in his pockets, turned to face Pepper with a widening grin, “I feel like I’m being baited.”

“Baited? Never! It’s just, you’re always here and I have a… project that needs the kind of help that you can provide.” At those words you entered the office, ready for action with a notebook and pen, eager and excited. Suddenly, it was all clear to Loki, “Pepper, no.”

The noose closed in on the handsome god as Pepper gathered paperwork without looking his way, “Come on, it’s the Stark Homecoming Gala and the two of you will do great! I have faith in you both. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!” “Really, Miss Potts, I simply can’t-” Stopping short, the strawberry blonde whipped around, almost nose to nose with Loki. Shrewd and straightforward, Pepper interrupted, saying, “You’ve been dancing around my office for weeks now. Clearly you like her and… against all the odds, she likes you too. I’m doing you a favor and when someone does you a favor, you say “Thank You”.” “Thank you.” Nodding curtly, “You’re welcome. Now, make yourselves comfortable, order some dinner, my treat. And do whatever you need to make sure this is one great party!” That’s how Loki found himself sitting at a clear glass table over sweating bottles of iced tea as you discussed color themes and tablecloths. You were shy, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as you reviewed notes from previous gatherings both large and small. His hands itched with wanting to do that job himself. “So, what do you think?” It was the first time you had addressed him directly since coming through the door and for a moment Loki couldn’t answer. You were too… not beautiful, that wasn’t the right word, although you were. No, you were too open, too easy to read, and the earnestness you offered him was downright frightening. Sitting forward in the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, office furniture, Loki cleared his throat and again tugged his tie, “What I think is that you should let me take you dinner.” Dropping your eyes, your cheeks colored slightly as your fingers found that locket charm once more, “Loki, I… I don’t know-” Grabbing for your hand, suddenly afraid that you would take those shining eyes away, Loki lowered his voice and did something he never thought he would. He begged. “Please? I find that you’re all I can think about.” It rushed out of him in a torrent, the way truth so often does, and he found himself unable to look you in the eye. Loki was afraid to see rejection on your easy to read face, afraid that wanting you had cracked open the lock box holding his heart, afraid that you would see just how weak you made him. Your fingers twined with his own as you replied, “You didn’t let me finish. I don’t know what took you so long.” Sighing with relief, his face melting into a genuine smile, “Me either.” Over the next two months the pair of you worked tirelessly to plan and execute a perfect party. You were inseparable during the day, heads buried together as you discussed linens and table settings, the quality of cocktail glasses, and debating over a band or a dj. But at night, at night Loki talked about the things that haunted him in the dark. And you loved him in spite of the awful things he had seen and done and said. Others took notice. Loki was more lighthearted, more available. He listened when people spoke and wasn’t constantly doodling during meetings. Yes, Loki was learning how to love through your loving him. If empathy had seemed too humane before, then sharing his life, his love with you, was the kind of immortality that earned someone a place in Valhalla. It was the bravest thing Loki Odinson had ever done and he didn’t mind one bit.

The first time Loki tasted you was burned into his brain, as bright as a flash of lightning. A firefly in a memory jar that he kept returning to, time and again. Loki remembered what you were wearing. He recalled exactly how the light shone in your eyes. If he concentrated, he could tap out the rhythm of your racing pulse as he held you in his arms. It was the night of the gala. Inviting everyone under the Stark Industries banner, up to and including the heroes tasked with saving the world, the event was a way to earn money for one of the many charities Tony supported. The place was full of beautiful people wearing gorgeous clothes under perfect lights set to the hand crafted soundtrack you had created together.

But, Norns, he could still remember the way your eyes sparkled under the lowlights of that hall. How your dress, simple but sophisticated, clung to the fullness of your bottom. Low cut but somehow still modest, Loki couldn’t tear his gaze away from the promise of your curves, willing himself to find anything else as interesting as the idea of you.

You were across the room hanging onto Tony’s every word, eyes bright and cheerfully glowing as you sipped champagne. It made Loki want to do something grand, something suave, something that would demand your attention for his own. Moving towards you, his tuxedo perfectly pressed and fitting better than it had any right to, Loki looked long and lean. Each of his steps seemed to echo, even though the room was full of sound, and you turned your head as if you also heard. Breaking away from the cluster of acolytes surrounding Iron Man, you bit into your lip as the crowd parted, moving closer together one step at a time. It was one of the sexiest things Loki had ever witnessed. Lifting your glass in a toast, taking in the room of mingling millionaires, wealthy hangers on and Avengers, “Well, we did it!” “You did it, my dove, I just hung around and judged everyone.” “Oh stop. I couldn’t have done it without you and you know it.” Playfully you pushed against his shoulder and Loki took advantage, using your momentum to pull you to his side, your curvy figure flush against his own. Crooning into the shell of your ear, his lips brushing over that sensitive skin, “Somehow, love, I think you would have managed.” Before you had time to think, Loki had melded his mouth with your own, stealing your breath along with your heart. Loki’s feet moved in time with the music as he pulled into a dance, laughing in his arms, your cheeks hot and your head swimming. You laughing was, without question, Loki’s favorite sound. Nothing in this world or any other came close to matching the joyful, childlike glee of that enchanting noise. Loki memorized its melody, the rise and fall of your giggle. He had craved it, being away for so long, and now he wanted… no, needed to hear it. But you were the furthest thing from happy at the moment.

"Darling, please. We have to go." Loki tapped his watch, shaking himself free from the memories of your previous life together and barely suppressing his irritation.

Tears filled your eyes as you whipped your arms around Thor’s mighty shoulders, his deep voice grumbly with emotion, "Take care of him, would you? He's a jerk, but Loki is the only brother I have."

"Of course… always. And Valkyrie, your highness, I can’t thank you enough for-"

"No need. Loki, and by extension yourself, will always have a safe haven here in my palace."

Looking on, Loki and Thor embraced almost tenderly before crashing their heads together.

"Stay safe, little brother."

"Be good, Thor."

Eyes on the sky, Val ignored the show of masculine emotion, chastising your plan, "You’re going to start a war, Loki."

Straight backed, Loki turned to the king, "Not on the grass of New Asgard. I will take the fight to them, that is my vow to you."

As Loki offered his hand, Valkyrie shook it, with parting words, "Work on staying alive. You have a tendency to worry your brother."

Solemnly nodding, "As the king commands. Shall we?" With that Loki laced his fingers with yours, leading you a few paces away from the people who loved him most, before summoning the magic that had you both transcending space and time.

This time when your feet touched down it was on the familiar turf of the orchard, surrounded by the scent of apple blossoms and the buzzing of happy bees. Morning had broken and the world seemed full of promise, with the exception of that knot in your stomach.

"Are you ready? Darling?"

"Oh… yes. I mean, I still don't love this plan, but-"

"But it's going to work." Only it was no longer the baritone voice of your long, lean Loki speaking. In his place stood Nick Fury, leather duster and eye patch in place.

"If you say so!" And you clutched your own throat as Natasha’s bored tones came out of your mouth. The suit, skin tight but flexible, molded to your modified form. All in all, you were comfortable, "The boots are a bit much."

"Ya think? This jacket weighs a ton." Pulling at his collar, "Why does he wear a turtleneck anyway?"

"Loki, this is so weird. It feels so weird."

"Agreed, but then, why am I so turned on?"

Laughing, you shook your false red hair, hands resting on Natasha’s waist, "God, I've missed you."

"Same, dearest. Now… let's get your necklace and some answers!"

---

Convincing Bucky to head home had taken a lot of work, but sometime around 2 am Steve had finally seen his friend off. The house was empty. Steve felt the same way.

Turning the black velvet box in his pocket, fingers crushed against the fragile fabric, Steve struggled to feel anger. When that didn't materialize he shot for sadness but even tears seemed beyond his ability.

With a sigh, climbing the same stairs he had trudged up a hundred times before, Steve started going through the motions of bedtime. Only tonight you weren’t there to tease him about the wildly inappropriate amount of toothpaste on his brush. He didn’t have your light footsteps to follow to the bedside or your help with stacking all of your extra, yet entirely essential, pillows on the chair.

Someone must have changed the sheets, he thought. There was no evidence of you and Loki’s adventurous afternoon anymore. Steve made a mental note to thank Buck for that little piece of kindness in the morning.

Shucking his shirt, Steve sat on the mattress, a hand to his forehead. He had lost. Captain America had been bested. Beaten. And by Loki, no less.

Moonlight in silver slivers shone through the window panes, squares of light in the deep of night. Steve was alone. Utterly and totally alone.

And there was no one to blame but himself.

Sighing hard, Steve stood, pacing the floor to work off some of the unspendable anxiety he kept creating. The room still had your energy, your vibe, as you liked to call it, and the feeling was a prickling itch Steve couldn’t quite satisfy. Traces of you were everywhere and something about you leaving all of it, and him, behind was just too big to process. “Damn it.” Even whispering sounded like thunder in the silence of your recently vacated room. His hands, so big, so strong, smoothed along the fabric of your hanging clothes. All that power had done nothing to help Steve get the thing he wanted. Sorting through the baubles and trinkets on your dresser, bottles of perfume he had purchased, necklaces and pins, each with a moment of memory it hurt him to recall. Your watch ticked away the minutes as he stood, stoic and still, surrounded by the shadow of you. In the orchard the birds were waking, their song filling the air, as morning broke in low golden rays. Abandoning his plan for sleep, Steve watched as the light chased away the dark, casting rainbows on the floor. The sun was reflecting off of your Grandmother’s necklace. A pretty, ancient, carved cameo, heart shaped locket. He recalled his own mother owning one just like it, pictures of loved ones pressed inside, holding them as tight as history would allow. Fisting the filigree chain, winding it around his fingers as if it would somehow undo what he had done, Steve slipped it into his pocket before settling back onto the bed. ----

At the back door to the home you so recently shared with Steve, Loki hung back, “I think this is where we split up. You go find your treasure and me… I’m going to find some answers.” Nodding, Natasha’s signature red hair swinging, you squeezed the hand holding your own. It no longer looked like Loki’s long fingered paw, but that was only a skin deep change. You felt the undeniable essence of him in the press of his fingers against your own. “Be careful.” “That’s no fun, dove.” “Loki-” You hated the way your voice broke as you said it, but there just seemed to be so much at stake and you had already lost him once. Sensing your unspoken concerns, Loki flashed you Nick Fury’s best smile, “I will. I promise.”

“Ten minutes.” “Ten minutes.” You watched the black coated back of your charmed paramour as he opened the shed door, hoping that he’d find something worth knowing in that place out of sight. Inhaling deeply you twisted the doorknob as quietly as possible, letting yourself into what was once your kitchen, “What a mess.” It was impossible not to notice the unwrapped leftovers and empty bottles littering the table. An overturned trash barrel, crumpled beer cans littering the counter, things that Steve, your Steve, would never have tolerated. All evidence that the grand evening he’d envisioned had been thwarted by Loki’s arrival and your collective escape.

You started up the stairs, praising Natasha's footwear for its stealth, when you heard the toilet flush and the unmistakable shuffle of Steve’s feet on the carpet. There was no place to hide on the wide stairwell. It was time to see if Loki's plan was going to work.

Voice blurry, eyes rubbed red and raw, you couldn't deny that Steve looked like shit, “Bucky? That you? You back?” Steve’s voice bounced around the brightening room as morning sunlight filtered through the soft sheers you had picked out for exactly this reason. Panicked, you backed into the railing with an over loud “Oof!” “Nat? What are you doing here? I thought you and Fury were headed to New Asgard?” Suddenly wide awake and wondering, Steve rushed to your costumed side, eager for information. The man in front of you now bore little resemblance to the angry Avenger you had escaped from hours before. This man had hair sticking up in odd angles from near constant finger raking. This man had a hint of a stuffy nose and red rimmed eyes, all indicators that tears had been shed. Now those blue eyes were scrutinizing you closely, full of concern.

“Uh… We... We got intel. Yea, intelligence, that Loki was headed back this way. Turned around… and uh, here we are.” One of those sandy blonde eyebrows lifted, “Natasha?”

Squaring your shoulders, channeling that cool confidence you’d see Black Widow display over and over, “Steve?” Something about your tone of voice convinced him in a way your words couldn’t. He visibly relaxed, those broad shoulders going slack as he asked, “Didn’t make it to Norway, then?"

Nodding a negative, you felt the unfamiliar brush of her red hair at your cheek and had to fight the urge to tuck it away, “No. Loki’s using some sort of transporting power to move them around. Fury suggested I keep an eye out here, in case they come back this way.” “She won’t be back, Nat. There’s nothing for her here.” To you, Steve sounded so sad, so removed, that you had to will yourself not to comfort the giant before you. “That’s not true!” It came out of you forcefully, thoughtlessly, and you saw the shock register on the Captain’s face. “That is, Fury and I… we… have reason to believe that she will come back. They left with nothing, Steve. She’ll need clothes… maybe some shoes… and-” Swallowing hard, you didn’t want to give anything away, “-a necklace from her grandmother.” Steve, patting his pocket, felt the weighted chain and it’s heart shaped locket, “I don’t think-” Stepping up to his bulky form, suddenly aggressive, you started, “Never mind what you think, Captain. We're here for a necklace... the necklace. Our intel suggests that your former flame might return for it and… And, I want it, with me, as a means to subdue her when she arrives." Sounding forceful and official was enough to back Steve down. Just a touch deflated, you watched him shrug, “If that’s what you want, Nat, here-” From his pants he pulled out the shining bauble, a trinket really, but full of sentiment and memory. Sitting in his palm, the tiny heart that held the picture of your grandmother and mother looked so small, almost unreal. Reaching for it with wet eyes, you smiled at Steve as you lifted the charm and chain, “Thank you, Steve. Thank you.” Nodding deeply, that golden head bobbing, “You’re welcome.” The large grandfather clock could be heard ticking throughout the house. The sun was gaining on the day and you, dressed as Natasha stood in silence in front of a somber Steve. For another long beat nothing was said, then, as if sensing a shift in your conversation, Steve flashed your fake Natasha a weak smile, “I could use some breakfast. How about you?”

“Um… sure. Yea, ok. Breakfast.”

Steve started moving again, downstairs towards the cluttered kitchen when he paused, "So how did you get back so fast? Cause that's like a 7 hour flight, even with you in the cockpit." “Steve…” You could hear it, the whining almost pleading tone that signaled the end of Loki’s well planned charade. That wasn’t enough to stop Steve. He broke hard, one of those strong arms stopping you in your tracks before you could reach the lower level. “It’s clever, I have to give you guys that. Almost perfect, really.” Panic rising, you doubled down on the ruse, struggling to keep your voice even, “I don’t know-” Blocking you in, his body the perfect unmovable buffer, “Loki’s here too, isn’t he?” Pushing against “Steve, I… I don’t…” “Don’t lie. You don’t have to…” “But… how-?” “You’re not mean enough to play Natasha, doll. Not by a long shot.”

--- It was strange to be seated at the table and chairs that you and Steve had picked out together one sunny Saturday when you thought that your future was going to be Loki-less. Your place, the one that you had imagined filling with children that had golden hair and bright blue eyes, felt like a set. Something false and fake. A facade, put together simply for show. Steve must have felt it too because his fingers drummed against the white washed table incessantly. Clearly he had something on his mind. “Steve-” “No. No. Please, let me just get this out, ok?” Raising an eyebrow, you waved at him to continue, nervous but interested in what the super soldier needed to explain. With a shaky inhale, running his constantly moving fingers through his golden locks, Steve caught your eye and didn’t waiver. “When I saw you… No, that’s not right. Let me start at the beginning. “When Loki left Earth, you… you were so sad. It hurt me to see you so… deflated.” “Steve, I-” “You know it’s true. When he returned to Asgard, something in you, it dimmed, and I just couldn’t allow that… Not when I felt the way I did about you. “I don’t think you realize just how incredible you are… how full of life! And since I had already missed one chance to be with you, I knew I needed to prove that I could be the man you needed… If you forgot about Loki along the way, even better. “Only… you never did. I waited years for you, ya know, doll? Years. And just when I thought there was no chance with you, Nat gave me a reason to hope. “She was your friend. An ally. Someone you could trust… someone I could trust. I swear it started out that innocently, at least for me. I just wanted to make you smile again. But she had other plans. Plans that came from higher up the ladder of SHIELD. “Fury, he wanted us to watch you… something about Loki being too powerful. And-”, grabbing your hand tightly, Steve emphasized his point, “-I promise you that I had no idea about his success, or the messages he had sent to you through Nick. Like you, I thought that Loki was gone. Missing. Never coming back.” “I… I believe you Steve. I know that you didn’t do all this on your own… but what was Nick hoping you’d find out? I knew less than nothing about what was going on!” “I think he was worried that Loki would get to you first. That if… when Loki returned, you would be his first stop. Then you would know about Loki’s success and, frankly, Fury’s failures. You would also know… well, everything you know now. That Fury had you tailed, lied to, and led on in an effort to stop Loki from out flanking him.” Frenzied and frantic, you felt anger boiling up inside of you, “But I thought Loki was gone forever. There was no hope for him and I… and Natasha, she told me that he was dead.” “All a part of Fury’s plan to keep you neutralized and Loki away. If Loki thought that you’d ignored his letters, that you no longer loved him, why would he come back here? And, if that didn’t work… when Loki came back and you were with me, what else could keep him on Earth?”

Whispering with realization, “So, they used you too.” Steve sighed and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, “Don’t feel bad for me. I let them use my love for you, let them twist it up and shape it as they needed. Honestly, I wish I could tell you that it was for you, but it wasn’t. It was for me. I wanted you, so, so badly. I didn’t care what strings were attached. And we built a life together, you and me. I thought I could outrun the reality of the constant monitoring and daily reports. Telling Natasha and Nick about every word and each email. Don’t you see, I love you… and I wanted you, however I could get you.” Shaking your head, Natasha’s red wisps flying, “That’s not love, Steve. I don’t know what that is… but love isn’t it.” “No?” With a loud thunk, Steve slammed a small velvet box on the table between you. “Is… Is that what I think it is?”

“Last night. It was going to happen last night. Our friends here, under the lights and the stars, I was going to ask you to marry me. I still would if-” Realization hit you like a ton of bricks, “If Loki hadn’t stepped back into our lives.” “-If Loki hadn’t stepped back into your life.” It made you both laugh in a sad way, how you finished the same thought, and for a fleeting second you could see why you had allowed Captain America to sweep you off your feet. He was a lot of things to you now, but there was a time when he had been almost everything. The evidence of that was in the small black square that said nothing but spoke volumes. “Steve, I don’t know if I would have said yes… even without Loki’s… arrival. I think I have always known that you and I… we are very different people.” Sitting back in his chair, his gaze still locked on your own, “I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I’ve done… what I’ve said… How, shit, how I’ve behaved. I could say that it was my duty. I could tell you it was out of love, but the plain truth is that I have always been jealous of what you and Loki share.” “You’ll find it Steve. You really will. There’s a person out there waiting for you. And once you’ve found them, oh Steve, you’ll see that this… what we had, it’s a shadow. An illusion. Because love, real love, doesn’t come with caveats and catches. It is an undeniable force which, in my case, even the boundaries of time and space can not deny.” Something like a sob burst out of Steve, and you were surprised to see tears in his eyes, “I was so wrong. Could you ever forgive me?” “I want to, Steve. I really do... “ What more could you say? Patting his hand you started to rise, “I have to go now. Loki and I need to keep moving and I don’t want to risk running into Nick and Natasha. At least, not yet, anyway.” “Where are you planning to go?” “To the Avenger’s Tower. I believe I know what Mr. Fury has been planning all along.” Loki’s strong voice entered the conversation as smoothly as his arms wrapped possessively around your waist. Steve took in the protective stance of your returned lover with a raised eyebrow, and without further comment asked Loki, “Really? And how are you going to breach the building? They’ll be looking for you, even with disguises… Fury is no fool. Plus, there’s little chance that Tony hasn’t activated a million safety and security protocols by now.” Only interested in you, Loki refused to give Steve any of his attention, “Getting in can’t be that hard! I’ll figure it out when I get there. Ready pet?” With a gentle push under his broad hands your feet started to move towards the door. Loki was eager to be off and away, especially after hearing so much of Roger’s confession. Just knowing what Steve had done, manipulating you while also convinced of his love for you; it was enough for Loki to commit murder. He was having quite a difficult time not tearing the good Captain’s limbs off his body. Softening his tone, Steve practically pleaded, “Loki. Wait. I… I can help.” Turning his attention fully to your former flame, Loki purred venomously, “You can help? I’d love to know what entails, Captain.” “I can get you into the place and take you exactly where you need to go. Fury’s going to hate it, but I’m tired of taking orders that hurt the people that-” His pause was as lingering as the look he gave you, “- That I love.” Before Loki could offer a sincerely sassy reply you grabbed his sleeve, tugging, “Um… Excuse us a minute Steve.” Pulling him down the hall of a home that felt like a familiar faced stranger, you waited until you had a bit of distance from Steve before harshly whispering, “How long were you listening?”

Serving you that small, sexy smile, Loki grinned, “Long enough. How did you know I was there?” “You are sneaky, but even you, God of Mischief, cast a shadow.” Swinging you close enough to catch your mouth with his own, Loki pressed a sweet kiss there before answering, “A mistake I will be careful not to make again!” “The tower, huh? That’s where you want to go?” Grabbing you at the swell of your hips, grinding his frame against your own, “Where I want to go, my darling, is to the nearest bed, preferably naked, with you and you alone.” Your hands traced over the lapels of his borrowed leather duster, pausing only to jerk him closer by the supple fabric, “Hmm… is that so?” “Oh yes…” Loki’s buttery grumble filled your ear as his strong hands dug into the flesh of your bottom. For a moment you thought he’d give in to temptation, his sweet lips teasingly close to your own upturned mouth, “But-” On your toes, leaning into Loki’s sturdy, leather draped frame, you paused, “Ugh. But?” Moving you to a safer, less kissable, arms length away, Loki sighed with the same frustration you felt, “-But, where we need to go, as soon as possible, is the Tower.” Moaning grumpily, you stepped out of the arms you longed to linger in, “I was afraid you were going to say that.” “I know it’s less than… ideal, love, but I did find something useful before the good Captain unburdened his soul this morning.” “And that is?” “Fury’s plan. At first I couldn’t figure out exactly what he was after. What did Fury want? How was I involved?” Loki was dragging this out, loving how it kept you hanging onto his every word, and you rolled your eyes, “Well? What is it? Weapons? War?” “All of that, yes… and… yours truly.” That triumphant smile that filled Loki’s whole face lit up his mischievous eyes. Tilting your head, struggling to make sense of what Loki had just told you, “What do you mean, you. Fury wanted you… to do what, exactly?’ “Loki was going to be the patsy.” You both turned toward the sound of Steve’s baritone at the door, suddenly remembering that the Good Captain was still there and that he was waiting to see what you were going to do next. Leaning his 100 year old bones into the doorframe, Steve crossed his arms, “The fall guy. An example of what happens if you cross SHIELD.” “I think, my dear Mr. Rogers, that you mean, I am to be used as an example of what happens if one crosses Nick Fury.” Loki countered, slinging an arm over your shoulder protectively. The idea was frightening. A man like Fury had too much power, too much at his disposal. Just knowing the lengths he had gone to in order to keep you and Loki apart was scary enough. Making enemies of your friends. Threatening the people you loved. Selling your affection to Steve in an effort to control Loki.

Now, the knowledge that all of it was done in an effort to ensure that Nick Fury was the toughest guy in the galaxy, it made your stomach clench. “What do you mean, an example?” “Unless my intelligence is flawed, I believe that Fury was going to kill me. Is that correct, Captain?” Steve felt the weight of two sets of eyes on him. Yours, full of fearful love and blind hope that this was all just some misunderstanding. Innocent and naive and as lovely as he could ever remember. Loki’s were reflecting a deeper understanding. The kind of knowledge that only time in the trenches teaches. There was no answer from Captain Rogers. None was needed. Honesty, final and resolute, was out in the open. “Look. I know I’m not the guy you want on your side. I’ve… I haven’t been the man I needed to be. Not for you-” Steve locked his bright blues onto you, offering a small smile that spoke of sadness before facing Loki, “-Or you, Loki. But if you let me help you now, I promise that I can get you into the tower and maybe, one day, you won’t think so little of me.”

Around you the morning gained strength. Somewhere nearby birds chirped wildly, blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding in the modest little farmhouse and its implications on intergalactic politics. Without moving a muscle, Loki plainly asked you, “Do you trust him, dearest?” Squaring your shoulders, you crossed your arms, staring down the man called Captain America. Nodding decisively, “I do. I don’t think he’d spill everything like that only to turn on us. He’s not so bad Loki, really.” “We’ll see about that. For now, we trust Steve. Ok, what’s your plan, Rogers?” --- “Hey. I… I have one other thing to show you.” Steve was dressed for action in his branded tactical gear, looking every inch the super soldier that Dr. Erskine envisioned. “Steve, we have to get moving. Loki’s eager and -” “Just open it, ok?” The envelope was thick with folded paper, the flap tucked under and not sealed. Clearly it had spent time in and out of pockets, the edges frayed and tattered. In exasperated curiosity you gingerly pulled the sheets free.

Shaking, your hands trembled holding the once white documents as your voice thickened, “Is this… is this what I think it is?” Cocking his head playfully, that rueful smile pulling at his full mouth, Steve almost seemed cheerful as he teased, “It’s yours. I think something about this place has always been yours and I want you to have it.” “But-” Folding your small hands in his mighty ones, Steve squeezed gently, “It was a wedding present, or it was supposed to be.” “But we’re not getting married.” “I know. Still-” “I can’t, Steve. It’s yours. Your house, your farm, your dream.” Shaking his head, disagreeing, but feeling lighter than he had in decades, Steve insisted, “Too late, I’m afraid. It’s done. Actually, that version of the deed has been signed since our second week here.” As realization sunk in you appraised the man changing right before your eyes, astonished but exhilarated, “Where will you go?” “I dunno. Think I might need to be alone for a bit. Maybe see the world… but first-” “First, we have to stop Nick Fury.”

To Be Continued... My Minxes: @scrumptious-finicky-illusion @iamverity @mizfit2 @sammy-jo1977 @wolfsmom1 @jessiejunebug @iluvsumbucky @unadulteratedwizardlove @procrastinatinglikeabitch @shxdowofdarkness @nonsensicalobsessions @ahintofkiwistrawberry @alexakeyloveloki @rorybutnotgilmore @crystalizedcaramel @lokislittlecorner @capcapcapsicle @jamielea81 @caffiend-queen @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @jenjen8675309 @that-one-person @roguewraith @toomanystoriessolittletime @vodka-and-some-sass @just-random-obsessions @brokenthelovely @lots-of-loki @thefallenbibliophilequote

#loki x reader #loki x you #you x loki #loki smut #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x reader #mcu smut #MCU fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

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Darkling Character Analysis

Full disclaimer, I’ve not read the books, though I have ordered the first so I am hoping to have read that soon. But just so you are aware this character analysis is based entirely on the show version of the character. Obviously there will be spoilers for all of season one. Also I just want to say that my aim with this analysis was to sort of get into The character’s head and so alot of this is just what I think the character might have been thinking, feeling and what his motivations may be, it does not mean I agree or disagree with his actions. When I am giving my view on his actions I will try to make it as clear as possible. Also this is just my interpretation of the character and my own opinions on the character, it is ok if you disagree. So obviously this is an analysis of the character The Darkling but I am also going to be talking about his relationship with Alina so I guess its also a sort of analysis of their relationship too just solely from Aleksander’s side of it. I will be using all of the names he has interchangeably because he has so many that I don’t know which one to stick with (seriously haven’t seen a character with this many different names since Jace from Shadowhunters) so sorry if that’s annoying. Fair warning this one is probably the longest analysis I have ever written and they are usually pretty long so I would suggest if you are going to read this maybe get some beverages and snacks first. I mean I think it shows how compelling and interesting a character he is that I was able to waffle on as long as have about him. But yeah its long. Of course you can also always scroll on past. But if you would like to read it then the rest is under the tag.

Ok so first off I think the show does a really good job of building up the character in the first episode by giving us some information on The Black General before we and Alina officially meet him, they really give the character this air of mystery by giving us only a small amount of information about him but also by not letting us see his face. We get small tantalising glimpses of him, a shot of his boots in the mud, his carriage passing by, the back of him with his cloak billowing in the wind as the skiff enters the fold. It’s just enough to peak the audience’s interest. But most of what we learn in episode one is from what other character’s tell us. The very first mention we get of The General is from Mal and it’s a very small detail but I actually think it can tell you alot about The Darkling’s character. When Mal and Alina come across the Grisha practising Mal says ‘They’re always picking on us when their General’s not around.’ This seems like such a throwaway comment designed to show us how the First Army feel about Grisha and paints this picture of the Grisha thinking they are higher and mightier than those who are not Grisha. But it actually suggests that if they only do it when The General is not around then he does not tolerate Grisha bullying First Army. That he doesn’t think its ok for them to act like they are higher and mightier than those who are not Grisha and that he believes in humility even. Which I think is really interesting. This tracks with Nadia’s comment later in episode three when she says that General Kirigan insists that the Grisha eat peasant fare to keep them humble. Yet while he encourages humility he also makes sure that the Grisha have everything they need in order to flourish and he obviously cares a great deal about the Grisha, I feel like rising the Grisha up and making them strong has been pretty much his only drive and motivation over the hundreds of years since the fold was created.

The other thing we learn which is repeated a couple of times by a few of the characters is that The General cannot bring down the Shadow Fold. In fact I think there are two conversations about it. The first between Inej, Jesper and Kaz when Jesper asks why the General hasn’t taken it down to which Inej replies ‘Have you ever put out fire by adding more fire?’ The other conversation is more flippant and is between Dubrov and Mikhael, where Mikhael sarcastically says the General is there to save the day and Dubrov asks if he’s going to tear down the fold. So on two occasions we have characters believing the General is powerful enough to fix the problem of the fold only for them to be corrected and told that he can’t. It seems like the show wants to make it very clear that the General will not be destroying the fold and I could be reaching here but this could be foreshadowing for later when we learn he doesn’t desire to bring down the fold.

Of course even after the first episode the character of the Darkling still remains a bit of a mystery. He’s the kind of character where the more you learn about him the more questions you have. This tactic of giving us small pieces of information about him, just enough to keep you interested continues throughout the season and of course you have the twist in episode 5 where its revealed that he’s the ‘villain’. And yes I did put villain in quotation marks because I personally feel like its too simplistic a term to use for the character. I do feel like he’s more than just a two dimensional villain and there is alot of complexity to the character and his actions just for him to be considered the ‘bad guy’.

So lets have a look at some of those actions and think about what might have been his motivations and what he might have been thinking and feeling. I want to start with one of the more controversial of his actions and as a warning this is a sensitive topic. One of the earlier things we find out about is that General Kirigan gifted Genya to the Queen. I’ll be honest when I first watched this scene I was so caught up in the new character and what was going on in the scene that I didn’t think much about Genya’s comment about being a gift to the Queen but when I thought more on it later I realised that it was a rather dark idea, that you could gift a person to another person. It becomes especially darker later when you find out what Genya suffered at the King’s hands. I kept wondering a few things, one being why the General would gift a child to the Queen in the first place, two whether he knew what the King was when he put Genya under the royal family’s care and three if he didn’t why he didn’t remove Genya when he discovered what was happening with the King. I do feel that we didn’t get enough information in the show (I don’t know if there’s more information in the books) to really answer these questions but I’ll give it my best shot. Firstly why would the General gift a child to the Queen? Well I actually think this one is easy to answer, he needed a spy within the Royal Family. We know that Aleksander has suffered and been betrayed by a king in the past. He won the Old King a war and in turn that King turned on not just Aleksander but on his people too. I feel like Aleksander was blindsided when this happened and he just didn’t see it coming and because of that his people were slaughtered. It would make sense then that the General would want to keep an eye on the royals and get a warning if they were planning on turning on Grisha again. I also think this is why they refer to Genya as a ‘gift’. That was just the wording the General used to manipulate the royals. Here’s a gift that I am granting you out of respect and to honour and please you, is going to go over a lot better than hey here’s a spy I want in your household. Genya is essentially the General’s trojan horse. As for it being Genya as oppose to someone else, like a trained adult Grisha, well I think that’s because it would be easier to get the royals to take a child into their household than an adult, even as a gift. They will be alot less suspicious of a child than they would an adult. Also they might bond with a child and therefore treat them as more of a confidante as time goes on. As well as that Genya had a very specific set of Grisha abilities that made her perfect for a vain Queen. I may be wrong on this one but thinking back to my history education I think I remember being taught it was fairly common during the time period if a young lady was discovered to have a particularly special talent, like say singing for example, they may be given as a gift to the Queen as this may gain favour for the maiden’s family if she is made a lady in waiting. So if I am right about that then whilst it might seem strange to us it may have been a fairly normal practise to the characters. I mean Alina didn’t seem shocked when Genya said she was a gift to the queen it was learning about the King that upset her.

Also I do wonder if some of the reason why he placed her with the royal family was because he believed she wouldn’t fit in with the other Grisha, she does say that she is almost as rare as Alina. I don’t know for sure but maybe the General suspected she would struggle with being different from the other Grisha and so decided the best way to help her grow and flourish was by giving a special mission of her own.

Ok so what about question 2? Did he know what kind of person the King was when he placed Genya under his care. In my opinion I don’t think he did. I am basing this on how he always seems to want to make Grisha safe and wants them to flourish and also due to his actions with Alina when things between them became more intimate, we know that consent is something Aleksander cares about. So to me it would be out of character for him considering how much he cares about the Grisha and consent for him to knowingly put Genya under the King’s care whilst having the knowledge of what would happen to her. I feel like he would also consider it as a disrespect towards Grisha from the King for him to harm a Grisha woman like that especially as she was ‘gifted’ to them. Also when Alina herself asks a similar question in episode 7 when she says ‘did you think Genya was safe when you placed her under the King’s watch?’ To me I think the Darkling looked somewhat upset that she would think that he would knowingly put Genya in that situation. However I do think that by the time Alina was discovered and brought to the Little Palace he was aware of what was going on with Genya and the King as he makes that comment about Alina remaining at the Little Palace with him to train undisturbed. The way he said undisturbed made me think he thought the King might decide he wanted Alina and the General was warning the King away, making it clear that if he wanted the fold destroyed he would have to leave Alina alone. His actions here in protecting Alina also make me think that he didn’t know at the time of placing Genya with the Royal family what would happen to her. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake with Alina that he made with Genya.

As for number 3, why didn’t he remove Genya from the King’s care once he did find out about what the King was doing? I saw a few comments about this. All of them saying the same that because he didn’t get Genya out he was as bad as the King and was complicit in what happened to Genya. But I actually think it’s more complicated than that. For one thing technically he did remove Genya from the King’s care when he had her poison the king and then made her Corporalnik. Though obviously he didn’t do it immediately. We’ve got no timescale as to when he find out so who knows how long they were planning this. But also there was one line in episode 3 that I think answers this question best, when the General says ‘I may lead the Second Army, but the King is still the King.’ Whilst the General is powerful he still only has so much power over the King. He needed the King’s permission just to have Alina at the Little Palace and for her to train, which is what the demonstration Alina had to go through in episode 3 was all about. I don’t think the General had the power to just walk into the Grande Palace and take back Genya. The only way he was getting Genya out of there was by killing the King. Also correct me if I am wrong but I feel like what the King was doing to Genya was a large part of the General’s motivation for poisoning the King. I mean we weren’t given much information about the King other than what he was doing to Genya, which made me think that’s why he was poisoned as we weren’t told about any other bad things the King had done that might lead to the General deciding to poison him. I think once he found out what the King was doing to Genya he allowed her to be the one to carry out the poisoning knowing that she would want revenge rather than trying to remove her right away and potentially causing tension with the royal family and also making it harder if not impossible for Genya to be the one to exact her revenge on the King. I guess what I am saying is its possible that Genya was the one who wanted to stay because she wanted to be the one to kill the King. I mean that’s the impression I got from her conversation with Alina where she says ‘I waited for years for my chance at revenge.’ For all we know General Kirigan might have offered to remove her from the Royal household and she might have told him she wanted to be the one to help him take down the King. Whatever his motivations were and however much he may or may not have known I think we can all agree that him ‘gifting’ Genya to the Queen was a mistake. I personally feel like it was more of a similar mistake to when Alina burned the maps. She had good intentions, she did it to protect someone she cared about, but in the end she caused others harm. With Alina she wanted to protect Mal and her whole unit was killed. With Kirigan I think he hoped a spy in the Royal household would protect the Grisha but in the end Genya was harmed by the King. One question I do have is whether Kirigan feels any guilt over what happened to Genya, whether he regrets his decision. I mean we did see him protect Alina from the King when he insisted she remain at the Little Palace. But was that just because it was Alina, the Sun Summoner? What if it were someone else. For example say the King came to the General and said he had taken a fancy to Marie, or Nadia or Zoya, and asked for them to be sent to the Grande Palace, would the General have agreed or would he have made some excuse as to why they couldn’t go, maybe even sent them on an assignment to protect them? There’s no way we can really know the answers to these questions as we just don’t know enough about the situation. All we know is that the General ultimately decided to get rid of the King but even then we don’t know for certain what his motivations for that were.

I suppose you could say that him plotting against the king and conspiring with the apparat to usurp the throne was also a ‘bad guy’ move. But to be honest after telling us everything that the King did and just generally presenting the royal family in a negative light, I was surprised that Alina had such a problem with what the General did. To me it didn’t make sense for her to be upset and using that against him. I mean after learning what he did to Genya I was fully on the Darkling’s side when it came to killing the King. If they were trying to present this as a ‘villain’ move on the Darkling’s part then they did a poor job of it because I completely understood where he was coming from with that one.

I felt a similar way with his other big ‘villain’ move when he expanded The Fold into Novokribirsk. At first I found it hard to have sympathy for them considering literally a couple of minutes before we were being shown that the soldiers were planning on murdering everyone on the skiff as soon as it docked. Couple that with the fact that Zlatan had arranged to assassinate Alina and once again I found myself on the Darkling’s side, I mean screw Zlatan and his soldiers. It was another case of it wasn’t until I rewatched it that I realised the villainous part of what the Darkling did was that there were civilians in the city that were also killed. To be honest I do wish that the show had done a better job of showing those civilians to really get across the horror of what the Darkling did. I mean on a rewatch I could see a few civilians mixed in with the soldiers but they were blended in so were hard to spot. I guess that was the purpose of Zoya having family in the city, to tell the viewer that there were innocents there but I just don’t think it made enough of an impact. I feel like if they had focussed in on actual civilians running and being swallowed by the darkness as well as the West Ravkan soldiers it would have had a bigger and more horrific impact. Instead it just kind of came across as the bad guys who had been built up as being bad throughout the season, who were rebels and who had tried to kill the main character, were finally eliminated. Lets be real if Alina had been the one to take out those soldiers we would all have been cheering. Lets talk about Game of Thrones for a moment as an example (spoiler alert for GOT here) however you felt about the way Dany’s descent into madness was written one thing the writers did right in The Bells episode was focus on the civilians that Dany was killing on the ground. They cut away from Dany completely and stayed on the ground with her victims and so you get that impact of what she has done, you see the horror in what she has done and I think this is something that would have worked well with Shadow and Bone. If they had just cut away from the skiff for a scene showing the civilians, the victims that were being effected by what the Darkling was doing then I think I would have been more shocked and effected by his actions.

Ok so lets focus back in on the character and talk about what his motivations might have been for Novokribirsk. Why did he expand the Fold and take out the city? Well again I don’t think its hard to answer that question. We have to remember that he is a General that is fighting a war on three fronts. He’s fighting the Fjerdans on one side, the Shu Han on another and then the cherry on top is that the West Ravkans are rising up in rebellion. It’s already hard enough having to fight two enemy countries without also having to split your forces again to deal with a rebellion. The General knows that they are already overstretched without having to split their force again to deal with Zlatan. So if you look at it from his point of view striking down Zlatan now before the rebellion gets too large is a tactical military move. Also the fact that it is such a violent move will act as a deterrent for any remaining rebels who might think of trying to restart Zlatan’s movement. As well as to Fjerda and Shu Han, a this is what we do to our own people when they act against us so think about what we might do to you if you cross us, kind of deal. As for the innocent civilians that were in the city well I think the Darkling would convince himself that it was a numbers game. He might have killed hundreds of civilians but as far as he sees it he has spared thousands of lives that would have been lost if they had gone to war with West Ravka. By now the General knows the cost of war, so to him sacrificing a few hundred civilians is worth the price of saving thousands of his soldiers. Of course there is another motivation for the General, one that is less military strategy and more personal and emotionally driven. As Kaz says he was a man fuelled by vengeance. These soldiers standing on the dock had turned their back on Grisha and even worse than that they had tried to kill Alina. In the scene where The Darkling is talking to the Conductor and the Conductor admits to agreeing to assassinate Alina for a million kruge you can see how angry this makes The Darkling. This idea that someone would harm Alina for something as material as money is unforgivable to him. I said in a previous post that I wondered if the General always planned to expand the fold into Novokribirsk and I actually think the answer to that is no he didn’t. I actually think he was trying to make up his mind about what to do about Zlatan and his rebels, its possible he had a number of strategies to go with and was trying to decide which to choose, with expanding the fold being the most extreme of them. I actually think this here is the moment he decides to go with that plan. As he walks away from the Conductor and the Conductor asks ‘tell me how I can help’ The Darkling replies ‘you already have.’ I actually think what he meant here was you’ve helped me make up my mind. Them daring to harm Alina was the linchpin.

Which brings me to the next part of this analysis, The Darkling’s manipulation and relationship with Alina. One of the great things the show did with the Darkling’s character was making him so complex and nuanced that the audience is in very much the same position as Alina when that reveal is made about Aleksander being the Black Heretic. Just like Alina (if you haven’t read the books) you are left sort of blindsided. Also just like Alina the audience is left wondering how much of it was a manipulation. Was all of it part of his manipulation? Or were there some moments that were real? Did he care at all about Alina or was he just interested in her power?

Well I will say this, while I do think he always planned to manipulate her, I don’t think he ever planned or tried to use seduction as part of that manipulation. I think we have to remember that he was waiting for the Sun Summoner for hundreds of years and I think he spent that time creating his plan for her and her power. We also have to remember that when he was creating this plan he was expecting to find a child. I think his plan was to earn her trust as a mentor and build a confidence between them. I think he planned to bring her up with his ideals, to bring her up believing the best thing was to use the fold as a weapon, to bring her up to always want to protect the Grisha and to bring her up to embrace her power. However this whole plan had a wrench thrown in it when he does finally find Alina and she’s not a child, she’s a grown woman and one that has been taught her whole life that the Sun Summoner’s purpose is to tear down the fold. Changing the ideals and beliefs of an adult is alot harder to do than a child. On top of that I think he does develop real feelings for her. But these feelings get in the way of his plans, which makes everything all the more complicated for him.

Lets go to the moment they first meet. I do think right from the get go he is intrigued by her and mean I think when you watch the scene you are so focused on Alina and what she must be going through and feeling, how scared she must be being dragged in front of this powerful General that she’s only ever heard stories about, that we don’t think about what this moment meant to the General. I mean he has been waiting for this woman for so long. She could be the solution to all of his problems, a fix for all of his mistakes. She has been his one glimmer of hope in the vast darkness of eternity. And now she’s here in front of him. Jessie said in an interview that Alina felt a connection to Aleksander right from the beginning, but I think he felt a connection to her too. I think you can even see the moment they make that connection and it’s when he takes her wrist in the tent.

Once he takes her wrist they never break eye contact even as he draws her sleeve up higher, their eyes are glued to each other. Then they both pause for a few beats and again just stare at each other.

The tension between them is so thick it almost makes you want to yell get a room at the screen. It’s like they both suddenly felt something click between them, a oh I know you, kind of moment. But I also feel like Aleksander is a bit surprised by this feeling, he wasn’t expecting it. They don’t break eye contact until The General cuts her arm releasing her power and causing her to look down in surprise. But almost immediately Alina brings her eyes back to his. One kind of cool little detail I did notice is that you can see the reflection of the beam of light in both their eyes.

It’s like a thread connecting them both, I don’t know why but it sort of reminds me of that red thread of fate legend. But also with them both having dark eyes the beam of light reflected in them sort of reminds me of yin and yang. The other thing of note is the General’s facial expression when he sees her power. Whilst everyone else is looking on is awe and surprise, he looks almost content, definitely happy and maybe even a bit hopeful. To me he kind of looks like he’s just had all his prayers answered.

I think Kirigan is further intrigued by Alina in episode two when she talks back to him with that rant about maybe he hasn’t found anyone with her power because they didn’t want to be found. I think its the first time in a long while that anyone has stood up to him and not just said yes sir. I actually found it really comical how surprised he was when she said no to him. You just know he hasn’t heard that word much in recent lifetimes. But I do think this plants those first seeds of him seeing her as an equal to him. I think this is where he starts to see her as not someone to bow at his feet but someone who belongs at his side. Then when she confesses that she hid from the testers because she didn’t want to feel even more alone I think he really saw something of himself in her. I mean you can see his facial expression shift. I think this furthers his idea that she is meant to be at his side, that she is the same as him and I think even at this early stage he begins to hope that maybe she is someone who will understand him as no one else ever has. In that moment he is determined to make sure she doesn’t ever feel alone again and that is why he tells her ‘you are Grisha, you are not alone.’ You can see from the passion in his voice when he says it that this is something very personal to him.

However despite this connection he feels to her and the care I think he has for her too, he does manipulate her. I think one of the more obvious manipulations happens in episode 4 when he takes her to the fountain. Something that is worth noting is that before setting out on their ride Aleksander takes off his Kefta. Their Keftas in the show are presented as their armour, so I think it was a very deliberate move on his part to sort of send the message to her, look I’m taking my armour off for you and I am being vulnerable and open to you. He furthers this by giving her his name to create this familiarity between them. Then he takes her to a place that is personal to him and then he really gets into his manipulation game. Here’s the thing though, I feel like most of the time when we think of manipulation we think of lies. But sometimes the best way to manipulate a person is through twisting the truth and I think this is what he does here. From their conversations so far I think he has figured out that Alina feels like an outsider and that she fears being alone and not fitting in. I definitely think he uses this information to manipulate her by telling her the story about how he used to go to the fountain as a boy after he discovered he was descended from the most hated Grisha in Ravka and wished to be anybody else. He knows that Alina will respond to this story, that it will make her feel sympathy for him and also make her feel like he is someone who understands her and therefore someone she can trust and rely on. He is also most definitely being deceitful in that he knows she thinks he is talking about being related to the Black Heretic when in fact he is the Black Heretic. However that doesn’t mean that what he said was untrue. I really do think he used to go there as a boy and wish to be someone else. As for being the descendant of the most hated Grisha in Ravka well my theory there is that he could actually be talking about Morozova. In the flashback in episode 7 Aleksander says that he and Baghra are his descendants and that means that if he created the amplifiers than Aleksander could create an army. Baghra gives the warning that Aleksander will die like Morozova. This makes me think that Morozova died in quite an unpleasant way, maybe even killed because he was feared and hated. I mean sure the Black Heretic is the most hated Grisha in all of Ravka now, but whose to say there wasn’t someone who came before him? Another Grisha who was hated like the Black Heretic is now. And maybe when Aleksander was a boy he discovered he was the descendant of Morozova and that was a burden on him, so much so that he wished he was someone else.

I also think he was being genuine when he talked about how he is never seen as the solution only a reminder of the problem. I mean we’ve seen this ourselves in episode one its one of the first things we learn about him, that he can’t bring down the fold. I also think he’s being truthful when he says they always need someone to blame but again he’s twisting this truth. Alina thinks he means he is being unjustly blamed for not being able to fix the Fold but I think he actually is talking about how the Old King turned on him. I’m also sure over the years many people have blamed him and the Grisha for all the ills the world has suffered. But I do think he really meant it when he told her that he wouldn’t let the world make her the new Heretic. I think making sure that doesn’t happen is something he cares deeply about and I think it shows that he does have some care for her that he is so determined that she doesn’t go through what he did with the world turning on him.

Slight diversion here but I do want to talk about whether or not this hatred the world has for him is justified, I mean he did create the fold and that fold has killed alot of people since its creation. So surely just the fact that he created the fold is enough to solidify him as the villain. Well I think that depends on why he created the fold. I mean we get three different versions of how and why the Fold was created. The first one we hear is in episode 4 when Alina tells us the story that is taught to children in school. They say that history is written by the victors, and whilst I personally don’t think there were any victors in the creation of the fold, The Black Heretic disappeared with its creation, presumed to be dead, so the Old King probably considered himself the victor and was left to decide the history. Therefore this story was most likely the Old King’s version of events. In this version of the story it talks about how the Darkling hungered for more power after being made the Kings military advisor and this made the king fear that the Darkling would try to overthrow him. So he put a bounty on his head and that of anyone who stood by him. Eventually the Heretic realised he was outnumbered and decided to create an army using forbidden science. But he failed, creating the fold and killing himself and countless others. The second version we get is from Baghra and it is similar to this one. She says that he created the Fold to use as a weapon, that he tried making an army with merzost and that he didn’t think about what that would do to the people who lived there, that it turned the men, women and children into the Volcra. That she had warned him there would be a price and that he didn’t listen. She also says that he took a noble’s name to hide after. Baghra’s version paints Aleksander as power hungry and as someone who will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter the cost. But there are somethings I think its worth noting about her version. The first is that it is very brief, sort of like the cliff notes version, as they are in a hurry and she needs to get Alina out of there pronto. She doesn’t have time to go into all the details so she tells her enough to convince her to leave. Which brings me to my second point, Baghra’s motivation here is to get Alina to flee, so logically the best way to do that is to tell her the worst parts of the story and leave out anything that might make Alina feel sympathetic towards Aleksander and therefore hesitate about leaving. Another thing to remember is that Baghra whilst she might know somethings wasn’t there for a lot of it, she didn’t see Luda killed by the soldiers just knows that she was killed and she didn’t witness the confrontation between Aleksander and the soldiers. However what she did see likely had an effect on her. There is one moment in particular during Baghra’s story where she becomes emotional and choked up, there are tears in her eyes and you just know she is reliving a bad memory and that is when she talks about the women and children who were turned into the Volcra alongside the soldiers. Think for a moment about where Baghra was when the fold was created. She was inside the sanctuary with the women and children who were hiding from the soldiers. Which means that she would have witnessed them turning into the Volcra which must have been a horrifying scene.

Eventually we get to episode 7 and we learn what really happened when the fold was created and the story is more tragic that first told. I mean first you have the whole situation with Luda. He obviously loved her deeply and I can only imagine how painful it must have been to see her murdered right in front of him and to feel that guilt of her dying because she was protecting him. I mean the words ‘just mortal’ now make me want to burst out crying anytime I hear them. Then he gets to the sanctuary and there’s all these Grisha there that need protecting. I think he feels a responsibility for them. Then his mother reminds him that they are not fighters, they make things. Which gives him the idea of creating an army using merzost. It is worth pointing out here that when telling the tale to Alina Baghra says that she warned Aleksander that there would be a price for using merzost, but when you actually see the conversation what she says is that whilst the small science feeds them merzost feeds on them. This suggests that the price to be paid is by him. So yes he was aware there would be a price but he assumed he would be the one paying it. I think if he knew that the people inside the sanctuary would be turned into Volcra he might not have gone through with it. This is another thing that makes the story even more tragic. Aleksander was driven to create his own army by his wish to protect his people, but he lost control and ended up destroying the very people he was trying so hard to protect. Another thing I noticed when Alina is telling the story of the heretic in episode four when she gets to the part about the Heretic being killed along with countless other you can hear what sound like screams in the background, also Aleksander looks really sad and guilty. It is also right after that he says he had devoted his life to undoing the great sin aka the creation of the fold. We see this look of guilt again when Alina confronts him in episode 7 about being the one to create the fold and therefore responsible for the deaths of her friends and parents. You see him look to the floor.

I really do think that he has alot of guilt about the fold, he sees it as a mistake. We see both Baghra and Alina make the claim, the fold was no mistake. But in episode 7 we learn that it was, Aleksander did not deliberately set out to create the fold. It wasn't his intention. It seems to me that he wanted to bend the will of the soldiers to his, to make them his own army, but I think he lost control due to the emotional state he was in at the time. I mean right before the soldiers were threatening to murder all the people inside, including his mother, and were mocking him about Luda’s death. He was grieving, he was angry and he was fearful for his people. We were told the fold was born out of greed but lets be real it was born out of grief and out of pain and anger and fear.

So if he considers it such a big mistake why doesn’t he want to tear it down? Well I think its two fold. On one hand he might be afraid of what he’ll see. It’s like Kaz says to Zoya ‘it’s dangerous to go looking for the dead. What you see may haunt you for the rest of your days.’ Tearing down the fold will reveal all the destruction he caused to the land and to the people who lived there, he’d have to really confront what he did to his own people. But I think another motivator is what he said about undoing the great sin. I think he thinks if he makes the fold useful then at least it would have made the ‘deaths’ of his people mean something somehow. If creating the fold cost them their lives then maybe by making it a weapon that can be used to protect Grisha will make their ‘deaths’ a worthwhile sacrifice.

Ok so diversion over, lets go back to the Darklina relationship and how much of his actions were a manipulation. We’ve already established that he was being manipulative when taking her to the fountain and was telling her twisted truths. But if we stick with episode 4 there’s the scene where she comes to visit him at night in the war room. This whole scene I actually think he was being completely genuine. I don’t think any of it was part of his manipulation of her. First off is the way they are both dressed. They are both in their nightclothes which gives this idea of them being more intimate and more exposed to each other. I said above that the Kefta is seen as the Grisha’s armour, well here neither one of them are wearing their Kefta. They have both taken off their armour and are letting each other in. When Alina first finds him he is looking over the war map and you can see that he looks troubled, which you know fair enough considering he’s fighting a war on two fronts, having to deal with getting supplies through the fold and how to deal with the rebels. I love the way he looks at Alina when she comes in though, its just so soft and I feel like he feels instantly calmer when he sees her. But then he starts talking about how he’s been fighting the war alone and lost friends, about how their own people are turning on Grisha just as their kin once did and he is clearly thinking back to when the Old King was hunting him and his people. When the shadows start creeping in I think his pain is very real, I don’t think this was an act at all and once again if you listen closely you can hear those faint screams in the background. Then Alina dispels the shadows with her light and repeats his words back to him, ‘you are not alone.’ I think in this moment he truly does feel like he’s not alone. That he has found someone who understands him and who is his equal, who is like him. So he reaches out and cups her face and tells her he’s been waiting for her a long time. But then she pulls away and says she should go. I think Aleksander is afraid at this moment that he has frightened her away or that he misinterpreted the situation and he becomes very confused. So when she lingers at the door he goes to it and contemplates calling her back, just as she struggles with whether she should go back. But then she walks away and I think he thinks that maybe he was wrong and she doesn’t feel the same as him and he is a little angry with himself for losing focus and for feeling something for her and so he locks the door between them.

Another question I asked myself was whether he always intended to put the stag collar on her and to control her powers. In my opinion this one has a bit of a yes and a no answer. I think he kept changing his mind. He clearly knew that by killing the Stag and putting the amplifier on her he would gain control of her powers. As I said early I think his first draft of the plan, shall we say, was to find the Sun Summoner as a child, to gain her trust as her mentor and teach her that the Fold is a weapon to be used as opposed to something that needs to be torn down. If he had found her as a child he would have had a lot more control over her and could shape her into what he wanted. However when they find the Sun Summoner she’s an adult and believes that its her fate to tear down the fold so he has to do a rework of his plan. On top of that he’s got this problem that she clearly doesn’t want to be the Sun Summoner she has no interest in saving anyone and she just wants to go back to being a mapmaker in the First Army. I think it is during that speech where she talks about him transferring her power to someone else that he starts to look into whether that is possible. But as he gets to know her more I think this changes again and he starts to feel things for her and I think he starts to believe that they want the same things and that maybe taking control of her powers won’t be necessary. I think the turning point for him is in episode 5. In the breakdown video of their first kiss Jessie says Alina goes to the General’s rooms because of what happened the night before in the war room where they had a moment in episode 4. Alina wasn’t sure what that moment meant and so she was seeking out Aleksander because she was intrigued and wanted to know if there was something there. Aleksander is once again clearly happy to see her but I do feel like there is some awkwardness there because of what happened in episode 4 and because he feels like he had misinterpreted things and maybe was too intense with her. It’s an interesting dynamic because as Jessie says in that video in this moment he is the vulnerable one. One moment in particular that I think shows this vulnerability is right after she helps him into his Kefta. Again going back to the whole the Kefta is armour thing. When Alina first enters the room like in episode 4 she is wearing her dressing gown she has come to him with her armour off so to speak. He is also out of his Kefta and this early conversation is playful where they are joking about Ivan and the Volcra. But after she puts the Kefta on him is when his mood shifts a little and you see him kind of tug the Kefta tighter around himself. I feel like he was trying to protect himself because the more time he spends with her the more vulnerable and confused he feels, he’s feeling alot of feelings he hasn’t felt in a long time and I think he knows by now that he is well on his way to falling in love with her and this scares him a bit because he has lost loves in the past. Him putting the Kefta back on is like him attempting to put that armour back on. There is another way of looking at it too though. It’s worth noting that on this occasion Alina is the one helping him put the armour/Kefta on, like she is the one giving him protection. Then he turns around Alina is alot closer then he anticipated and you can actually see him struggling to even form words. Then she leans in close to him like she's about to kiss him but changes her mind and walks into the other room leaving our poor guy more confused than ever. Then Alina makes the speech about how she finally feels like she is part of something bigger and that they can offer hope to the Grisha and to Ravkans. In this moment our girl was talking straight to our boy’s heart. I think this is all he has ever wanted to hear her say, especially the ‘we can offer hope.’ I think he really means it when he says it means a lot to him and you can hear the passion in his voice when he says ‘you mean a lot.’ Of course when she looks down he once again becomes afraid he’s overstepped, gone too far and so he tries to backtrack with ‘to everyone’. And well we all know what happens next. Alina kisses him and as he says after he is surprised and not many people do surprise him. I think there is something about this woman that just makes him lose all his senses until his whole world becomes about her. I feel like throughout episode 5 Aleksander feels like he’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted. Because maybe she does feel the same way he does, maybe she wants the same things he does, maybe he has found his life partner, another immortal who will always be by his side, finally he’ll never have to feel alone again. I think the moment I decided this fool was definitely in love with Alina was the look on his face when she enters the room and he sees her in his colours for the first time. After watching her demonstration I think he does see her as his equal. He’s in complete awe of her and the only time he looks away is to look at the Monarchs to see their reaction. Basically from the moment Alina kisses him to this moment where he is seeing her take command of the room and truly showing her power, having people bow to her, Aleksander is living his best life, he’s on cloud nine.

Then he gets word that someone has located the stag. We don’t see the scene where he gets informed of this but you can imagine he probably can’t believe his luck. Not only are things perfect between him and Alina but now someone has found the amplifier. But I feel like he gets a bit of a reality check when he discovers that Mal is the one who found the stag and he’s now here in the Little Palace. I feel like Aleksander sort of came crashing down to earth here and realised he might have a bit of a problem. Once again he’s having to do a quick, rapid, rework of his plan. Which brings us to another moment where the Darkling is being manipulative. He uses Mal to find out what Alina’s favourite flower is. I mean I suppose you could argue that he’s only doing what every other person does when they want to get a gift for their crush and don’t know what would be best, ask the best friend. But all jokes aside this move was clearly calculative on The Darkling’s part. But I couldn’t help but wonder why he decided to use the Irises. What was his motivation here. It’s clear that he has already won Alina over seeing as she was kissing him not to long ago. Well I said earlier that I think he changed his mind about using the collar on her. I do think after their conversation in episode 2 where she talks about how she didn’t want any of it and could he transfer it he thought she was going to be a problem and difficult so maybe he should look into finding a way of controlling her power. In the beginning she was focussed on her old life and I feel like she didn’t have much loyalty or care for the Grisha, it took her awhile to accept who she was and she was also struggling to use her powers. All she wanted was to go back to Mal and I think this may be why, or at least part of the reason why The General takes their letters. For one he didn’t want her to go back to him and so making her think that Mal didn’t care would encourage her stay put and discourage any ideas of leaving. I mean given her comment in episode 3 where Alina asks Genya if anyone had ever escaped the Little Palace, which the General overheard, its not that surprising that he would decide to confiscate any of her correspondence out of the Palace in case she was organising a breakout with Mal. Secondly as I said she was having trouble using her powers and I think after reading the letters maybe he figures out that its because of Mal that she is struggling, so he either stopped the letters because he wanted her to continue feeling abandoned by Mal and therefore he was hoping she would shift her dependence onto him or because he knew if she let go of Mal then she would be able to control her power more and more power for Alina means more power for him to control. This was all very manipulative on his part and obviously not the actions of someone who cares about Alina’s feelings but at this point she wasn’t Alina to him she was the Sun Summoner, a tool to be used and he was thinking as a General who had people and a whole country to protect and if that meant putting the collar on this stranger then so be it. I think he set out to win her trust to make it easier for him to put that collar on her when the time came. But then as he got to know her more, started catching feelings for her and after their conversation in episode 5, I think he decided that maybe he wouldn’t need to use the collar after all. My theory is that he got her the flowers and he took her to the war room instead of the dinner because he was planning to tell her some of the truth. I don’t think he was going to tell her about who he really was and about him being the Fold’s creator but I do think its possible that he intended to tell her about the Stag and maybe even try to convince her about using the Fold as a weapon. So I think he just wanted to put her in as good a mood as he could if that makes sense, sweeten her up before he brought it up. Also telling her about the Stag means telling her about Mal. I think he actually felt a little threatened by Mal because having read their letters he knows how she feels about Mal. So he wants her attention as much on him as possible. I think he very much felt like his dream was slipping away. As for the make out on the war table moment, that could have also been an attempt to keep her sweet on him like the irises. But as I’ve said before Aleksander seems to lose all his senses when he’s with Alina. When he’s with her the only thing he’s focused on is her, and I personally think it was just a case of he really wanted to kiss her. Some of it might also have been to reassure himself that those feelings between them were real, especially now that Mal has shown up. I mean they are both so giddy and happy when they break apart for him to answer the door that I find it difficult to believe that the whole kiss was a cold manipulation, he was grinning like a school boy. My favourite kiss between them (as steamy as their make out session was) was actually the one where he comes back to kiss her one last time. This is right after he has learnt that she was the target of an attack that happened inside of his Palace, which is the one place where his people are supposed to be safe. I think in that moment he just needed to reassure himself that she is safe, you can see his desperation in the kiss. There was just something so soft and pure about it. If I am sure about anything is that one was definitely real, I may have small doubts about the other kisses but that one kiss was 100% true.

Things only get worse for Aleksander in episode 6 when he realises that Alina is missing. I think how he behaves in this episode tells us alot about how he really feels about Alina. He becomes somewhat unhinged when she goes missing and only becomes more so the longer she is gone from him. His sole focus is on her and finding her, to the point where he kind of forgets about anything else as we see when Fedyor comes to report about Nina, The General has completely forgotten there were other missions and things he was dealing with. Later when he calls Zoya to tell her to prepare a team to track down ‘Alina’s abductors’ and she puts forward the suggestion that Alina ran by herself, he doesn’t even consider it a possibility. The idea that she would willingly leave him is just too hard for him to wrap his head around because as he says to Zoya he is sure he knows exactly how she feels. He is usually the composed, unfazed General but he very much snaps at this moment and I think reveals more than he intended to Zoya, who clearly looks surprised by his outburst. He even says himself with Alina gone he’s not himself, he’s feeling unbalanced and tense without her. So when Zoya offers to help him relax he tells her that he’ll relax when he has Alina. I think its important as well that he says Alina and not the Sun Summoner. It’s not the Sun Summoner he’s lost without its Alina. When he finally catches up with Kaz and is told that Alina fled on her own you can see how shocked he is at this.

And even then he has trouble believing it because he once again asks where she is and its not until the line ‘It was pretty clear she wasn’t interested in being a captive any more’ that it begins to set in for him and you see his shadows creep in. After you can see the heartbreak set in and then the anger.

This anger only grows when he learns that she is with Mal and that she is going after the Stag. I think he very much feels like everything has been snatched away from him in a blink of an eye. I think he is angry that he was blindsided by it and he’s angry that he let his feelings for her cloud his judgement and distract him from his plans. Because of his feelings for her he might now have ruined all his plans and, as he would see it, risked the safety of the Grisha in doing so. Naturally its back to plan A of forcing the collar on her, because no matter how he feels about her he can’t let that distract him from his mission to protect the Grisha again.

However no matter how angry he is at her and how hurt is is that she ran from him, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her. I see alot of arguments that he can’t have loved Alina because you can’t hurt someone you love like he did when he put the collar on her. But I’m calling BS on that one now because the people you love are the people who can hurt you the most, especially when they are hurt or angry. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you it just means they are human and make mistakes. However that doesn’t mean you should tolerate those mistakes or brush them under the rug, absolutely they should be called out for them and held accountable for them and I am really glad that Alina does do this. The Darkling's anger at her is what drives him to find her and to kill the stag himself so he can collar her and I think this anger builds up whilst he is away from her, again showing how unhinged he has become without her. But I feel like some of that anger ebbs away a bit when he does find her and once she is in front of him again. That moment when he finds her and the stag and Mal is hurt and he calls out to her that she can’t save them, that as powerful as she is she does not have the power to heal. He is obviously thinking back to Luda here. Because as powerful as he was he was not powerful enough to save her, in that moment he was utterly powerless to keep her from dying. I think despite how hurt he is he cares about her too much to watch her go through the same pain and grief he did which is why he offers to heal Mal if she gives him the Stag. The similarities between the two scenes (the one with Alina, mal and the Stag and the one with Aleksander, Luda and the king’s men) are clear and I think really have an effect on Aleksander. I think when he says that Mal was only protecting Miss Starkov there are two interesting points. One is the use of the term Miss Starkov. This is a name he mostly called her when they barely knew each other and I think he is trying to distance himself from her again by making things more formal between them. The other thing is that it draws a parallel between both Mal and Luda. Both Mal and Luda were just trying to protect the people they love and Aleksander clearly doesn’t think either one of them deserved to die for it so he lets Mal live.

Another scene I want to talk about real quick is the one right before he puts the collar on her. This scene is eerily similar to when they first meet. Once again they are back in a tent. Once again the scene starts with the Darkling’s back to her and with Alina in the hands of a guard/s. I said before that I think alot of the reason why he decides to collar her is because she doesn’t share his views and he feels like he needs to control her so he can weaponize the fold and save his people. That he was angry at himself for believing she might be his equal and share his goals. I think this scene where he talks to her shows that. The fact that he lowers himself to her level I think shows that he does see her as an equal. Then he talks about how together they could end all wars and protect their own and asks isn’t that what she wants. I think he is still clinging to that belief that he wasn’t wrong and that they did want the same things and maybe some part of him was still hoping he might not need to use the collar. But then she asks if they are going to tear down the fold and you can see the disappointment on his face because he understands now that she won’t see it his way. So instead he deflects the question and I think this is the moment that cements his choice to collar her.

Further evidence that he does still care about Alina comes when he puts the collar on her. This is obviously a very distressing and gruesome scene. What he is doing is obviously wrong and I think deep down he knows it too. He can’t bear to look at her as it happens and so her turns away and its the second time he does as he also looks away in guilt when he threatens Mal. I don’t think he can handle her looking at him like he’s a monster and he can’t cope with seeing the betrayal and hurt in her eyes. It is also worth noting that I think part of the reason why he goes through with putting the amplifier on her is like he said to Mal, he thinks that over the years she will come to forgive him. Now this conversation where he talks about how she might take years to forgive him but he had patience also tells us that the fact that he is hoping for forgiveness shows that he knows what he is doing to her is wrong, that it is something that will require forgiveness. When he comes to see her later in her tent, can we just talk for a moment how nice that tent was, I mean he really went all out for her with lace and flowers like he somehow thought that would make up for him fusing a antler into her collar bone, but again even the fact that he gives her all these nice things shows that he wants that forgiveness and the way he approaches her as well is cautiously, like you would a wounded animal. He knows he’s hurt her and made her angry so he comes in with sweet words of compliments, telling her how special she is, and very quickly comes to know that she’s not having any of it. I mean that look she gives him when he first comes in, if looks could kill he’d be six feet under now. But I really do think he did go to her just because he wanted to talk to her, despite his words to Mal about having the patience to wait however many years it will take for her to forgive him, he wants to fix things between them now. He doesn’t want her to be angry with him and he doesn’t want her to be in pain. He’s desperate to get back what they had in episode 5. Also I think its important that we remember that until that conversation with her in the tent he didn’t know that she had discovered who he really was, so when she ran he believed that she had ran because she wanted to be with Mal which I think contributed to his anger at her and his feeling of betrayal. He couldn’t understand why she would want to be with someone who he believes never appreciated who she really was and who is mortal and will eventually just be a blip in her very long lifetime, instead of being with him who is her equal and immortal like her. This is another occasion where I feel like he gets a bit of a reality check and realises that she didn’t run because of Mal, she ran because of his own lies. So all that anger he felt at her ‘betrayal’ was unjust. But then I think he feels a different sense of betrayal in how easily she believed Baghra. I mean looking at it from his point of view she didn’t come to him and ask for his side of the story or demand an explanation she just trusted Baghra and ran. He is clearly desperate to make her understand and you can see his composure begin to fail as he stands and tells her that everything he is ever done has been to make Grisha and Ravka safer. I really do think that line was true, he really does believe that what he’s doing is the right thing for his people and his country. You can feel his frustration and desperation continuing to build throughout the scene as he pretty much pleads with her to understand and can see that she doesn’t. I think the part that really hurts him though is when she says ‘we could have had this, all of it. You could have made me your equal, instead you made me this.’ This line is so powerful and I think its at this moment that he realises just how badly he has messed up. To be told that his actions are the reason why he hasn’t got her, the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world right now. Also the line of making her his equal I think would have hit him hard because he did see her as his equal and so I think he’s surprised that she believes that he didn’t make her his equal and then when she says ‘instead you made me this’ he realises that whilst he might have seen her as his equal he wasn’t treating her as one. His need for control made her a slave to him and I really think that in this moment he is realising that, I genuinely think this dumbass got so caught up in his own dream of what the two of them together could be that he didn’t realise that whilst he thought he was protecting her and helping her grow into this saviour for their people he was taking away her choices and he was making her feel like a captive, the dummy didn’t think to ask how she felt about any of it because he assumed he already knew, it was the same as what he wanted, to protect their country and people. So his anger when he says the line ‘fine make me your villain’ isn’t just directed at her but himself too. It’s not just his hurt and anger that she doesn’t understand his reasons and that she isn’t seeing it his way, it’s also because he knows it was his own actions that lead him to that moment when the woman he loves is standing in front of him and looking at him like he is a monster. He can’t go back and he can’t undo it and worse than that he can’t seem to get her to understand why he did it. I think he feels trapped and so the only thing he can be to her now is her villain.

It’s after this conversation that his demeanour towards her changes and you can see that he sort of stops trying to win her over. He’s not as gentle with her, I mean he ties her to the deck of the skiff and answers mockingly when she points out it’s not a good look for him with the ambassadors. I did notice though that after that conversation he seems to have trouble looking at her. When they are walking to the skiff and he tells her that Mal is being held captive and will be released if she does her part, he isn’t looking at her but straight ahead and this is something he does alot when he is threatening Mal. The moment when he takes off her cloak he does glance down at her. I seen alot of debate about that scene, as it does come across as having a bit of sexual tension in it and some people thought it was a rather sexy scene whereas others pointed out that he was holding her captive and mocking her. Me personally I actually think its both. People talk about how it has to be one or the other. But yes in that scene he is holding her captive and that part’s not sexy but there is a moment where I feel like he still feels that draw to her. Before reaching up to undo her cloak it seems to me like a hesitates for a moment. When he goes to whisper in her ear that he doubts they’ll notice her feet and I think he feels that pull and that attraction to her and he is really close to her, I don’t think he’s been that close to her since the war room in episode 5. You can see him lean slightly towards her and I think he really is struggling with the desire he feels for her which is why he steps back with the cloak rather forcefully, like he's having to force himself away from her again. It kind of reminded me of the scene where she helped him into his Kefta. So no the situation itself is not sexy but I do still think there is tension in the scene because the attraction they feel for each other didn’t just disappear despite how hurt and angry they are at each other. It’s like their words are saying one thing but their body language is saying another.

When they are in the Fold again at first The Darkling avoids looking at her particularly when he is forcing her to use her power to create the tunnel of light. His focus is on The Fold. Again I think this shows that he is determined to not let his feelings for her get in the way for his goals, yet he knows he is taking away her free will and her choice and that’s hurting her so he can’t really stand to look at her. Its the same when she asks to tear down the fold and he answers why would they destroy the best weapon they have. Again he doesn’t look at her when he says it because he knows that he deceived her by letting her believe that was what they were going to do and he doesn’t want to see the disappointment and betrayal in her eyes. Again this is something he does alot and look, I love The Darkling’s character, I do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise his flaws and for me I kind of saw him as a coward for this. I mean if you are going to deceive and manipulate a person and force them to do something you know they don’t want to do, then at least have the decency to look at them. He does however look at her when she tries to save Novokribirsk after he lets the fold consume it. He stops her and you can see the anger when he says they are traitors who tried to kill her and that this action was retribution. I think he hates the fact that she is trying to save the very people who tried to hurt her. But again he looks away from her when he sees the way she is looking at him and how horrified she is by what he has done.

Their very last interaction is when she uses the dagger to cut the amplifier from his hand and shows him what she is and that she’s the one the stag chose. He sees this as her betraying their people which is interesting because at the end of the episode Alina says that Kirigan turned on his own people. So they both believe the other turned on their own people, the problem here is that I feel like Alina feels more loyalty towards the non Grisha Ravkans, she still sees them as more her people due to spending more time as just a ordinary mapmaker then as Grisha but the Darkling has more loyalty towards the Grisha. Its like how you know parents aren’t suppose to have a favourite child but we all know they do. Well I feel like the Ravkans are Alina’s favourite child and the Grisha are the Darkling’s. Of course they still care about the other but their ‘favourite’ is their priority if that makes sense. By the end of the season when we see the Darkling emerge from the fold I think he is feeling very angry and very betrayed by Alina, however I actually think the fact that she bested him has only made him look at her as even more of an equal than before. Not only is she someone who will stand up to him but now she has become someone who can match him. I do think he’s in this very complicated situation where he is on an opposite to the person he believes is essentially his soulmate. However as much as I think he does love her I still think he will put his people above her and so will continue to act in what he considers to be the best interests of his people. It also seems like he’s got some new powers and was able to create shadow soldiers which again is interesting because he basically just accomplished what he meant to do in the first place when he created the fold, he’s created his own army.

Ok so that’s all for now to be honest I could talk about the Darkling forever but I think this is already long enough so if you have read all the way to the end thank you for your time. I am thinking of doing other character analysis posts so keep an eye for that if its something that interests you, I think I might do Alina next. I’ll also post my thoughts on the book once I’ve read it.

#the darkling #general kirigan #darklina

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