#Topic Workbooks

[kxsalt]

cw fauxcest

The stuffed bear falls to the floor as her big brother tackles the bully. He sits on the boy’s chest, pinning his arms to the ground as a hail of punches drop from the sky. The onlookers scatter as a teacher runs to break up the beating. Her big brother is dragged off to the principal’s office for the last time as the bully wails in pain. She picks up the bear and hugs it close to her chest.

The stuffed bear watches as his little sister eats his staff meal from a takeout container. He looks over her homework while he tapes up his fingers; covering chemical burns from a poorly maintained dishwasher. He slides the workbook over to her and asks for an explanation to a tricky question. The girl pushes in close to him to teach the equation.

The stuffed bear listens in as they celebrate. An acceptance letter, to a school far away but prestigious enough. A generous scholarship, not much but a beginning for her to start her degree. Maybe more will come. The siblings laugh and cry, exhausted revelry from people given too much responsibility too young.

“I’m scared.” “Me, too. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”

The summer between her graduation and the start of her university courses moves by at an uncomfortable pace. Her big brother was always grateful for work, but for the first time in his life asks for a day off to spend some time with his sister before she moves far away. They go on a walk around their shitty town, enjoying the warm sun. Splurging on a cold popsicle to share, they return home to argue about what to watch on tv.

Wrestling for the remote, her popsicle-stained mouth bursts into laughter as he pins her to the couch. He pulls at her arms tucked under her body, firm and strong but gentle. His sister’s soft hands claw at his calloused grip. Her cold blue raspberry tongue touches his when she kisses him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Her brother pushes away, bewildered by the embrace.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She sits outside his door, apologizing with every word she has. He sits on the other side of the wall, confused and terrified.

Late at night, the girl spoons her stuffed bear, pressing her tears into the fabric of the animal. It’s been repaired a hundred times over the years. Rough, immature stitches across the wise, touch-softened fur. The eyes are the same as they always were. Once, one fell off walking home from school. Her brother spent hours searching for it in the rain along the side of the road. He caught a cold after that, and she made him chicken soup from cheap bouillon and pasta from the food bank.

They don’t talk about it. Precious weeks in the summer sprint past them as they try to pretend it never happened. They don’t hug quite as often as they used to. Their conversations get shorter as they worry about the topic changing. His sister looks over the map on her wall. Her destination at the end of the summer looking further away from her origin every day.

One night he comes home late and collapses to the floor. Barely able to move, he groans in pain. The toll of his blue collar work already starting to bear it’s weight upon him. His back hurts. The girl brings him a hot water bottle and talks with him while he lies in his own dirt on the ground. Eventually, she coaxes him back up and gives him a fresh towel for his shower. When he emerges, he’s still moving slowly, trying to stretch out his back.

His sister helps him get to the bed, and watches over his immobile body. Bringing some tiger balm from her room she starts to rub it into his strong back, feeling the knots and the weaknesses. He twitches lightly from the pressure and the burning sensation of the salve.

“It hurts.” “Sometimes things that are good for you hurt at first. You taught me that.”

The room is silent as her soft hands work on his hardened body. Her brother starts to snore. She returns to her bedroom and tries to go to sleep. After an hour, she’s still awake, staring into the bright eyes of the stuffed bear. The girl brings it with her to the living room, holding it in her arms as she paces around their small, run down house.

Creeping into her brother’s room, she whispers to him; asking if he’s awake. No response. The girl lays down next to her sibling. Her hand strokes the bear. I’ll just lay here for a few minutes. Then I’ll go back to my room and sleep. Thirty seconds later she’s out like a light.

Daybreak. The girl wakes up to see her brother watching over her as she sleeps, as he’s done so many times before. Electricity runs through her nerves as it dawns on her that she fell asleep in his bed. Her mouth opens to apologize, but he interrupts her.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay. It’s still early. Go back to sleep.”

In the midsummer heat, each night is unsettled. When she can’t doze off, she crawls into her brother’s bed and pushes her face into the bear. When he can’t rest, he climbs into bed with his sister and rubs the bear’s back. The siblings sleep late, but sleep well.

On the hottest night of the year, they go straight to her room at bedtime. He always made sure to give her the room with the biggest window, so she could look out at the sky. Now that window is wide open to steal the slightest bit of breeze. The coldest room in the house becomes the warmest when two people and a stuffed bear are in it. She learned that in school, he learned it from her. Neither of them mention the thermodynamics of their situation.

That evening, neither of them can sleep in the sticky-warm room. The bear’s old eyes watch the siblings toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. Finally, her brother sits up and takes off his shirt, desperate to free himself from the burning sensation. His sister sits up and starts to lift off hers as well. She pauses, looking to his silhouette.

“Is this okay?” “Yeah, it’s too hot. And it’s dark in here, anyways.”

Her shirt drops to the floor next to his, her naked chest clearly visible in the moonlight. Overheated, they still roll around on the mattress. He slides off his underwear. She slips out of her panties. The sheet is too much in this heat, it gets pushed down to the bottom of the bed. It’s dark in here, anyways.

Rest eludes them again. Unable to remove anything else trapping the heat, they start to talk as if their breath will cool each other down.

“I’m sorry about what I did.” “It’s okay. I just got scared.” “Why?” “Because I don’t want to do anything that would push us apart.” “I’m scared too.” “Why?” “School is so far away. I’m afraid it will pull us apart.”

She touches the worn stitches on the bear. He touches the soft fur.

“I would never let that happen.” “I wouldn’t, either.” “So, what are we afraid of?”

Their fingers interlace across the belly of the comforting animal. Their lips touch. Their bodies press into each other. His sister grinds against his thigh and scrapes her nails against his chest. Her brother touches her neck and gropes her bum. They roll over each other, trying to get in closer. Skin sticks against skin in the sweaty heat.

Her heart drops for a moment as he pulls away, immediately relieved as he pushes open her legs and starts to lick her pussy. Her back arches as the sensation tingles through her body. Her brother is generous and passionate, two things she always knew about him, expressed in a way she had only dreamed of before. The man’s tongue licks wide across her needy pussy, then sucks in tight, focusing on her clit. Precise, firm circles lace her most sensitive spot.

His sister gasps and pushes his head away moments from her climax. Crawling underneath his lowered body, she kisses the tip of her brother’s cock. She had seen it before, completely by accident, but nothing like this. Hard, swollen, and twitching, she savors the sweat and leaking precum before pushing as much as she can down her throat. His scarred hands rub her back and her bum, reaching underneath her chest to squeeze her breasts. She edges her pussy while she sucks her sibling’s cock, not wanting to orgasm until just the right moment. I’ve waited this long…

He grips her by the hair and slowly pulls her head off him. Drool runs down her chin as he stares at her with shining, eager eyes. The same eyes stare back into his. Rolling onto her back, she lifts her legs up high to her body. Like a wild animal, he walks on all fours between her arching thighs until he holds himself above her. Her hand strokes his slippery cock, pressing his head against her entrance.

“I want you.” “I need you.”

In one swift motion, the taboo is broken. The older brother’s cock slips into the younger sister’s pussy. They look into each other’s eyes. The same eyes. They see each other. Unable to restrain himself, the older sibling starts to fuck her. Unwilling to hold back, the younger sibling pulls him in close and kisses him. Wet, icky sounds bounce between their bodies, mixing with warm, loving moans of pleasure. They don’t stop kissing each other the whole time they’re intertwined.

The rhythm increases. Nothing can stop them now. The sounds of their incest fill the moonlit room, breathing more heavily in the haze and the heat. He feels his sister’s legs lock around him, behind his hips, pulling him in closer. Her brother responds by wrapping her body in a tight hug. She can’t hold back any more. Her pussy squeezes tight on her sibling’s cock as she starts to cum from their intimate fucking. His sister’s legs around him would keep him from pulling out, if he ever tried. The feeling of seeing her so safe, so vulnerable, so happy is too much for him to take. They cum together, tangled up in each other.

The couple refuses to let go of each other. They’re stuck. They can’t go back now, how would they even try? How could they do that to the other? Almost flattened under the pillow, the stuffed bear peers out at them, ever neutral. They share a short gasp and start to move again.

Daybreak brings fat drops of summer rain, bursting against the window screen, and giving them a faint, refreshing mist. Exhausted, but still awake, she holds herself on all fours in front of her brother. He holds her hair and hips, pounding deep into his sister. They cum again, and fall asleep on the stained sheets.

The cold, crisp air of late fall dances across the campus. The girl has had an excellent first semester, receiving academic accolades, and blossoming into a social butterfly. The first break of the year, and her new friends take her to the airport. They chatter excitedly, eager to meet the boyfriend she had talked so much about. She cries as she runs across the luggage area to embrace him. Grabbing her partner’s hand, she takes him to meet her friends. Later in the evening, they leave her dorm to give them some time alone. He sits on the bed and holds the stuffed bear while her last friend pulls her into the hallway. She whispers her approval.

“You two look so perfect together. You even have the same eyes.”

[2soulscollide]

tips to level up your writing skills

1. read, read, read

okay, I know, everyone keeps saying it... but it's true, and I truly believe the more you read, the better you write, because you come across different writing styles, different voices, new characters, and worlds. This applies to every writer, from amateur to professional.

2. practice makes perfect

another cliché, right.

but hear me out: I feel so much more confident about my writing skills when I write daily, rather than when I write a bit occasionally. you get lots of work done, see your book coming to life, and get better at it.

3. create an outline before you start writing

guysss, I know many people like to go with the flow, but I would recommend planning your novel before writing it, especially if it is one of your first projects.

when I started, I refused to plot my novel because I thought it was a waste of time, and I couldn't plan it all ahead. turns out that I could never finish my novels, because I started to get lost in the plot. as most of you may know, I LOVEEE to plot now!

4. use active voice instead of passive voice

passive voice is alright sometimes. I like to use it, too. but to create an immersive experience for the reader, you should go for the active voice since it creates more impact.

see something like this:

"the letter was written by Marcus who had tears in his eyes." VS "Marcus wrote the letter with tears in his eyes."

such a basic example (don't judge me!!)... but can you notice the difference? it seems so much more expressive.

5. avoid using overly complex language

repeat it after me: short. sentences. are. valid.

don't overcomplicate it! I know it's tempting to write huge sentences sometimes and make your book seem more complex and professional, but sometimes it just doesn't come out as expected, and we end up exhausting our readers.

6. don't just for yourself

this can be a polemic topic. it's quite common to see people saying you should write for yourself, but let's be honest here: if you're trying to get your book published, you should have your target public in mind while developing your book. knowing your audience to know what works and what doesn't work is extremely important. but hey, you must also enjoy what you're writing!

7. use dialogue!!!

I find dialogue so important, and I love it so much! ensure you develop a distinctive voice for your characters to make them seem real to the reader. also, if possible, read the dialogue out loud and imagine if it would work out in real life.

8. don't be afraid to use metaphors

metaphors will turn a "basic" work into something more sophisticated when applied in the right places. you might want to avoid overusing it because it can ruin the experience, but it's something up to you, and what feels better to you.

9. research your topic before writing

okay, this is pretty self-explanatory. if you're writing about a topic or a location you don't know much about, avoid making assumptions or clichés. instead, do some research, take notes, or even ask chatgpt questions to help you.

10. don't be afraid to experiment and try new things

I was a fanfiction writer for a long time and was so scared to try original fiction because it seemed so much different from what I was accustomed to doing. however, once I decided to try something new, I discovered I liked to do it more than fanfiction. you'll never know until you try it!

11. never give up on your writing, keep practicing and learning to improve your skills

it takes time to acquire new skills, so if you're new to writing, please don't give up! It's fun and a long path, and I promise you'll love it, even more, the more you write!

I hope this was helpful! <3 have a nice day

also, i just released a new freebie!!! it's a free workbook for writers with over 90 pages to guide you through the process of plotting a novel. you might be interested in checking it out!! :D click here

[pinkacademiaprincess]

Hiii I’m so sorry to bother you!, hope your day goes well <3 I just want to ask, how can I improve in maths? I’m preparing myself for the sat and I have trouble with understanding it. Any tips would be very much appreciated, thanku !! ♡

Become a Math Whiz: Acing Math Class & the SAT 📈✏️📚👩‍🏫

ty for the ask & the kind words! you are never a bother, i'm happy to help 🥰 i can def give some tips as someone who went from struggling w/ math to being good at it. and i’ve taken the SAT so i know that experience as well! i hope this helps 💗

take accountability

it’s very easy to try to shift blame & avoid taking responsibility for your grades/ performance. i used to think things like “the teacher is just bad!” or “i’m just not a math person!” but this mindset is just deflecting. some things are out of your control, like what teacher you have or preferring other subjects, but you have to step up & work hard to create your own success! remembering this will help you stay motivated and disciplined.

find your learning style

i talked about this in a previous post too, but there are different styles of learning - visual, auditory, hands-on, & reading/writing - and not all of them work for everyone. if you spend a ton of time studying and don’t see improvement or results, that’s a big sign that you’re studying wrong. a method that works for your friend or that your teacher uses might not actually be effective for you. so do some research into learning styles and study methods, and find implement strategies that work for you.

never fall behind

okay, easier said than done. but one of the biggest reasons i used to struggle is math is that i would get stuck on a concept, never fully master it, and then i’d stay behind. in math, a lot of topics build on each other. if you get stuck on a topic, it’s crucial that you figure it out asap or your confusion will snowball. you can’t build a solid structure on top of a wobbly foundation. the moment you encounter a problem area, study it until you’ve completely understood.

practice makes perfect

i try to steer clear of recommending specific study methods b/c everyone has different learning styles. but math is so dependent on problem solving & applications that you really have to master this skill in order to succeed. beyond just reviewing your notes & reading over concepts, you need to practice applying topics by solving problems. do the homework questions & do them for accuracy, even if it’s just graded for completion. find extra problems in the textbook, workbook, online, etc. redo questions from class or the hw that confused you until you can do them correctly without your notes. drill it until you can solve them AND understand how the steps work!

ask for help

i am clearly a big proponent of asking for help. in school, your teachers are gonna be one of the best resources you have. for one, they’re teachers for a reason, so even if you think they’re not too great at explaining stuff, they know the concepts. and besides that, your teachers the ones who are creating units, assigning your work, writing & grading your tests... they should be your go-to for questions. visit them during office hours or email to set up a meeting where you can discuss concepts. ask for extra practice problems, ask them to look over your work & let you know how it looks, talk through your work with them. aside from teachers, you can get help from a tutor, a classmate, whoever you can turn to. but pls don’t suffer alone! succeeding with help is still succeeding.

use the internet

so maybe your teacher truly sucks at explaining. maybe you don’t have classmates to help and can’t afford a tutor. or maybe you just wanna supplement your learning another way. i really really recommend utilizing free learning tools online!! khan academy is an obvious one for videos, practice problems, and more. you can also find tons of youtube videos explaining math topics. sometimes it helps to hear things explained another way. i also google “[math concept] practice problems” if i want extra questions to work through.

bonus: tips for SAT math

the SAT is a bit different b/c the math concepts aren’t actually too advanced. it’s all multiple choice so you don’t get to rely on partial points for showing your work. the SAT is testing your strategy & speed as much as it’s actually testing you on math concepts, so here are my best tips for that specifically:

use khan academy’s SAT prep tool - it’s free (!!!!!) and it links to your collegeboard account. it uses prior years’ SAT content so it’s very similar to the test itself. it helps you pace yourself, pinpoint your problem areas, learn & apply concepts, & track your progress. here's a screenshot from when i used it, as you can see my scores improved and i was able to ultimately get a superscore of 1450!

take practice tests - this helps you get familiar with the time constraint. khan academy has plenty!!

do a ton of SAT math practice questions - ideally, find a ton of questions used in prior SAT tests and just crank them out. the test's concepts are quite repetitive so if you just focus on the topics they usually test, you can master them

learn test-taking strategies - the SAT is multiple choice and has a tricky time constraint, so however you can save time will help. become good at using the process of elimination & other multiple choice test methods. you can find these sorts of tips online!

i hope this helps! know that you are completely capable of improving at math. i went from thinking i suck at it & doing poorly in math class to acing my calc courses & studying to enter a math-focused field. utilize your resources and figure out your best study style asap, and you WILL see improvements!

[dreamdolldeveloper]

back to basics

mostly free resources to help you learn the basics that i've gathered for myself so far that i think are cool

everyday

gcfglobal - about the internet, online safety and for kids, life skills like applying for jobs, career planning, resume writing, online learning, today's skills like 3d printing, photoshop, smartphone basics, microsoft office apps, and mac friendly. they have core skills like reading, math, science, language learning - some topics are sparse so hopefully they keep adding things on. great site to start off on learning.

handsonbanking - learn about finances. after highschool, credit, banking, investing, money management, debt, goal setting, loans, cars, small businesses, military, insurance, retirement, etc.

bbc - learning for all ages. primary to adult. arts, history, science, math, reading, english, french, all the way to functional and vocational skills for adults as well, great site!

education.ket - workplace essential skills

general education

mathsgenie - GCSE revision, grade 1-9, math stages 1-14, provides more resources! completely free.

khan academy - pre-k to college, life skills, test prep (sats, mcat, etc), get ready courses, AP, partner courses like NASA, etc. so much more!

aleks - k-12 + higher ed learning program. adapts to each student.

biology4kids - learn biology

cosmos4kids - learn astronomy basics

chem4kids - learn chemistry

physics4kids - learn physics

numbernut - math basics (arithmetic, fractions and decimals, roots and exponents, prealgebra)

education.ket - primary to adult. includes highschool equivalent test prep, the core skills. they have a free resource library and they sell workbooks. they have one on work-life essentials (high demand career sectors + soft skills)

youtube channels

the organic chemistry tutor

khanacademy

crashcourse

tabletclassmath

2minmaths

kevinmathscience

professor leonard

greenemath

mathantics

3blue1brown

literacy

readworks - reading comprehension, build background knowledge, grow your vocabulary, strengthen strategic reading

chompchomp - grammar knowledge

tutors

not the "free resource" part of this post but sometimes we forget we can be tutored especially as an adult. just because we don't have formal education does not mean we can't get 1:1 teaching! please do you research and don't be afraid to try out different tutors. and remember you're not dumb just because someone's teaching style doesn't match up with your learning style.

cambridge coaching - medical school, mba and business, law school, graduate, college academics, high school and college process, middle school and high school admissions

preply - language tutoring. affordable!

revolutionprep - math, science, english, history, computer science (ap, html/css, java, python c++), foreign languages (german, korean, french, italian, spanish, japanese, chinese, esl)

varsity tutors - k-5 subjects, ap, test prep, languages, math, science & engineering, coding, homeschool, college essays, essay editing, etc

chegg - biology, business, engineering/computer science, math, homework help, textbook support, rent and buying books

learn to be - k-12 subjects

for languages

lingq - app. created by steve kaufmann, a polygot (fluent in 20+ languages) an amazing language learning platform that compiles content in 20+ languages like podcasts, graded readers, story times, vlogs, radio, books, the feature to put in your own books! immersion, comprehensible input.

flexiclasses - option to study abroad, resources to learn, mandarin, cantonese, japanese, vietnamese, korean, italian, russian, taiwanese hokkien, shanghainese.

fluentin3months - bootcamp, consultation available, languages: spanish, french, korean, german, chinese, japanese, russian, italian.

fluenz - spanish immersion both online and in person - intensive.

pimsleur - not tutoring** online learning using apps and their method. up to 50 languages, free trial available.

incase time has passed since i last posted this, check on the original post (not the reblogs) to see if i updated link or added new resources. i think i want to add laguage resources at some point too but until then, happy learning!!

[gothlcsan]

Study Partners ; KIM JIWOONG

PAIRING nonidol!jiwoong , afab!reader

GENRE SMUT 18+

SYNOPSIS Being best friends since childhood, it’s not too hard for fall for your best friend and tutor, yeah?

WORD COUNT 2511

WARNINGS kissing, oral (reader receiving), best friend since childhood trope, fingering, hair pulling, fluff, use of both lube and protection, jiwoong likes to ask for consent, feminine pet names, reader is a praise whore (me too)

♫ love on the brain - rihanna

a/n day thirteen of kinktober! i think best friend slash tutor jiwoong is super attractive (and his hands ?? 😵‍💫) so this was a bit self indulgent i won’t lie.. if you enjoyed please consider liking and reblogging as it helps ! ty <3

You glance up from your workbook, catching a glimpse of your tutor, Jiwoong, staring at you with the most blatantly obvious bored expression on his face. Neither of you wanted to be stuck in your bedroom, your mother repetitively coming to drop off sliced fruits and drinks every hour on the dot. Jiwoong and your mother’s were best friends since their high school days which meant you were thrown into the highly unfortunate, “forced to be friends” trope. Pushing your workbook away from yourself you tuck your chin into your arms, raising an eyebrow as Jiwoong starts to get up from the floor.

“Are you going home?”

Jiwoong nods, collecting his books into his hand, reaching for his bag that is laid next to him, you puckering your lips and nodding.

“Tell your Mom that I don’t need your tutoring anymore, it’s not like it’s helping anyways.”

The last part you grumble, barely audible, Jiwoong scoffing with an annoyed smirk as he bids you goodbye, leaving to go back next door. Not only did you go to college with Jiwoong but living next to him with both your Moms being best friends was inherently exhausting within itself. Both of you entering your senior year of college meant that they’d be on your backs to study, suggesting that the two of your study together at each other’s homes. Neither of you spoke up with your disinterest in doing so, ultimately deciding it was easier to do what you were told than speak up and say no.

Standing up from your spot on the floor, you plopped down onto your bed, falling backwards to lay flat against the mattress. You were exhausted from your long day of class, your eyes growing heavy whilst your mind began to wonder off. Your eyes shoot open, you scream into your hand, sitting up looking around your bedroom as if someone had intruded on you and your very scary (and highly inappropriate) thoughts about Jiwoong. Ultimately you decided to swallow and repress them, taking an ice cold shower before bed to help rid yourself of any thoughts.

A few days later and you still cannot shake the thoughts that plagued your mind, being reminded of them each time you opened the front door to let him in for tutoring. Your eyes wander down to his hands, gulping as he asks if he could come in, apologizing with a blush as you step out of the way. Studying is almost impossible as everything feels heightened in the space of your bedroom.

“What are you planning to do for your team project?” Jiwoong asked while rolling up the sleeves to his shirt, making your face turn beet red, trying to hide the fact by placing your book directly in front of your face.

“Um, I haven’t planned it out just yet, we’re currently deciding on the topic.”

Jiwoong snorts, you dropping the book onto the table making him flinch and swear under his breath startled.

“Why don’t you pick the topic yourself and dish them out tasks instead? Waiting on them to decide if they want to help or not.”

You know what Jiwoong meant, implying to not be a pushover and take charge, you telling him to calm down as he repeatedly encourages you to text them, taking your phone out and sending the text. The response is overall good, the one teammate being a bit passive aggressive with their response but you choose to ignore it, going back to your book now a little less stressed with work. Jiwoong lifts his hand up, giving the top of your head a few slow pets, making you freeze with widened eyes.

“Good girl.”

Jiwoong’s words bounce around your skull making you blink in confusion and undoubtedly horniness, chuckling nervously as you shy away from his hand. He drops his hand apologizing, you being a little too quick to reassure him it was perfectly fine, smiling sheepishly with your face instantly flushing. Quietness blanked over the room as you both refocused on your respective studies, you feeling a bit unfocused thanks to Jiwoong’s words from earlier, Jiwoong himself becoming a distraction all together. Your eyes linger from his unholy sculptured features, traveling down his shoulders, a little sad his first three buttons aren’t undone like usual, stopping at his hands. Those stupid hands. The very hands that have held yours multiple times throughout the years since childhood, the hands that had just petted your hair, the hands you ached to have in between your thighs. It’s painfully hard to focus as Jiwoong asks if you’re ok, stumbling over your words as you try to play it off as just being tired, Jiwoong raising an eyebrow in suspicion.

“You sure you’re ok?”

You swallow before nodding, giving Jiwoong a faint smile as you clenched your thighs together, it grows increasingly difficult to think or keep yourself out together. Jiwoong places down his pencil, leaning towards you over the table, making you lean back with a flushed face, as you asked him what he was doing. He caresses your cheek into his hand, his smile making you weak in the knees thankful you were sitting down.

“What Jiwoong?” You asked again, pretending to be oblivious to his actions, although not that they made much sense anyways. Jiwoong smirks as his thumb brushes over your bottom lip, bouncing back into place as he finishes swiping across it. Your breath hitches in your throat not sure how exactly to feel or react to this, wanting it so desperately your limbs felt nearly numb.

“You’re so god awful pretty.”

The words make your heart nearly stop beating, scanning his face looking for any indication he was joking, screaming in your head practically begging for him to be serious. The look in your eyes must’ve given you away as Jiwoong leans closer, his eyes darting from your lips back to your eyes.

“May I?”

Nodding, you wait for him to kiss you, softly saying yes before he pressed his lips against your own. They’re soft, almost too soft, the subtle hint of stubble brushing over your top lip as your lips worked in harmony. Impatience numbs your limbs as you wrap your hands around both his forearms, silently begging for him to come closer, Jiwoong not disconnecting from you once as he moved around the small table. He pulls you onto his lap, his hands warm on the small of your back, the other just barely touching the exposed skin on your waist, intoxicating you with his touch. Shaky gasps fall from you when Jiwoong swipes everything off the table, open pencil bags spilling across the floor. Giggling when Jiwoong lifted you up by your waist to place you on top of the table, not wasting any time to spread your legs apart much to your embarrassment. His hands trail up your thighs as he teases you for your underwear saying he didn’t take you as a lace wearer, threatening to kick him if he didn’t put his annoying mouth to proper use. Placing open mouthed kisses on the areas of your legs that your skirt failed to cover, you hum in approval, combing your fingers through his hair tugging at the ends between clenched fingers.

“Jiwoong,” you breathlessly moaning as you let your head fall back as he takes his hands, hiking up your skirt and wrapping his fingers around the band of your panties. Lifting your hips up enough for him to slide them down your legs, hurriedly kicking them off aimlessly to get him back where you wanted him most. Jiwoong moves a hand up your right thigh moving your leg up to get a better access to you. The kisses he leaves up your thighs before stopping just over your cunt, his breath fanning hot over you making you shiver with need, looking down at him with a desperate pout. Jiwoong looking up at you through his eyelashes with that smirk makes you nearly faint, wrapping both hands into his hair to keep him in place as he pushes himself face first into your cunt. His lips brush over your clit giving it opened mouth kisses before focusing his tongue to lick a wet stripe down your slit, delving it into your hole as he moves you closer to his face. Breathy moans fall from your lips as you lay back against the table, head hanging off the edge as you keep your fingers in place, desperate to keep Jiwoong. His hand travels from your thigh to meet alongside his tongue, making you swear under your breath when he slowly pushes a single finger into you.

“Sh, relax, baby.” Jiwoong hushes you as he relaxes you, which allows a second finger to slip in easily, your eyes rolling back as he laps you up. You’re overwhelmed with pleasure not being coherent enough to think or speak complete sentences, being reduced down to noises and broken sentences.

“Want more.”

“Hm?”

You look down at Jiwoong chewing on your lip before repeating yourself, the smile on his face lighting up as he slowly pulls away, standing up to strip. Watching in awe as his fingers undo his dress shirt, the black fabric being tossed elsewhere in the room, your cunt wet with need as he unhooks his belt. The sound of the metal clicking together makes you genuinely insane, clenching around nothing as he steps out of his slacks, his dick hard in his boxers. By any means he’s not painfully huge but he’s definitely above average, praying internally to be able to take him. Watching him take off his boxers nearly takes you out, his dick hard against his lower abdomen making you want him more. He asks if you have any lube and condoms, pointing to your bedside table telling him to look in the drawer.

“Huh, you’re that type of girl huh?”

You arch yourself to be able to see him, sitting up in a panic going to slam the drawer nearly crushing his fingers.

“Pretend you saw nothing.”

“Aw why? Embarrassed that your best friend saw your vibrator?”

“I’m going to kill you.”

“Oh so scary.”

Jiwoong smirks, taking the lube and condom in his hand, wrapping his other hand around your waist as he pushes you onto your bed. His knee pushes up against your cunt, making you flush red, suddenly shy from him being in your bed. Ripping the condom open with his teeth, he places a generous amount of lube onto his dick before using the lube covered hand to roll the condom on, humming at the sensation. Seeing him work up makes you giddy, licking your bottom lip as you watch him, gasping when he wraps his hands around the back of your knees, pulling you flush to him. His fingers rub over your cunt making you hum in satisfaction, mumbling for him to hurry, him chuckling calling you impatient as he aligns himself to you. Jiwoong slowly starts to push into you, your fingers curled around his forearms as your mouth hangs open due to the stretch. He gives you time to relax, praising you as he carefully pushes until he bottoms out, you grunting in slight pain but it becomes pleasure when you familiarize with the size. Giving him the ok, he begins to roll his hips, his thighs meeting against yours - - making him hit the places you wanted him for so long. He leans down to catch you into a kiss, comforting you as he begins to pick up pace, the sound of skin hitting skin making your brain foggy. Moaning against his lips he swallows each and every single one, his praises being lost as the pressure begins to blossom in the pit of your stomach. Wrapping a hand around the back of his neck, you curl your fingers around the baby hairs that laid there.

“More, faster, please.”

You can feel Jiwoong smirk against your lips, knowing the exact shit eating grin he was sporting, him obliging by quickening his hips, snapping against you hard enough to leave harsh red marks. Throwing your head back you babble how good it felt, how good he felt, burying your face into the crook of his neck as you moaned uncontrollably. Without warning he hits you in your bundle of nerves, your vision blurring letting him know to keep it up, fingernails digging deep into his shoulders. Pleasure builds up in your stomach until it becomes too much, begging to cum, Jiwoong petting the side of your head telling you to breathe and cum for him. The soft tenderness of his praises mixed in with his own moans is enough to tip you over the edge, clinging to him as you cum, vision stark white with stars bordering the edges. Your breathing relaxes as Jiwoong continues to help you through your orgasm, focusing on his own, snaking one hand up to intertwine your fingers with his. He leans his other arm down so his forearm is pressed against the mattress by your head, quickening his thrusts, stopping when he cums, thighs spasming as he slowly rides it out in waves. Both of you are panting heavily trying to catch your breath when he slowly pulls out, groaning at the drag alongside your walls. Jiwoong pulls off the condom, tying it close before finding your box of tissues, wrapping it up before tossing it into the trash. Jiwoong offers to help you clean up, asking him to grab you a wet cloth, cleaning yourself up as he pulls on his boxers. You watch him as he cleans up your school supplies, looking for your clothes as you get dressed.

“How do you feel?”

You look over blushing as Jiwoong is finishing getting dressed, slightly sad to see him clothed.

“I feel really good, less tense. How do you feel? Was it ok?”

Jiwoong looks at you in confusion, walking up to you to caress your cheek into his hand, pressing a kiss to your lips between each word.

“You were incredible, I swear. We should do this more often, what do you say, baby?”

A blush creeps up from your neck to your cheeks, giggling when Jiwoong lifts you up from your thighs to wrap your legs around your waist. His hands cup your ass as he kisses you, asking if you could promote him from tutor to boyfriend. You giggle at him, nodding in agreement giving him another kiss before wrapping your arms around his shoulders in a hug.

“Best friend to tutor to now boyfriend? Be careful, someone might call me greedy.” You joked.

Jiwoong laughs, bringing you up to lay your back flat against the wall, trailing his lips and kisses both down your neck to leave marks.

“Greedy? I like greedy, I want you to claim me as your own, as I am with you.”

Nodding, you both promise to be greedy with another, making out until you beg him to take you back to bed, forgetting about studying all together.

[genderqueerpositivity]

do you have any resources for questioning people (esp gender?)

It's hard to answer this without more detail tbh because I'm not sure exactly what form of resources you're looking for. The biggest pieces of advice I can give you are 1) read everything, 2) follow trans people, and 3) actively experiment and play with your gender.

Read queer history, read old zines, read memoirs by trans people. Read trans fiction and queer theory. Follow trans people whose content resonates with you.

Get out there and do gender in person if it is safe for you to do so: try out different names and pronouns, meet other queer and trans and gender non-conforming people, try out expressing your gender through your appearance in different ways.

If you're looking for specific recommendations:

The Gender Quest Workbook - Starts out very basic Gender 101 style, with questioning gender roles and then moves towards exploring gender expression and transition.

My Queer Year - I'm still working on this, have been for more than a year. Not gender specific, it's more of a planner + guided journal with a queer theme. A lot of the topics can be personally related to gender; I've written in mine on topics including dysphoria, euphoria, gender expression in public, and medical transition.

Accepting Gender - Gender workbook based in ACT (acceptance and commitment) therapy. This is on my list to read, and I'm not yet familiar with the actual content of the book. It's an option that exists.

I'm going to recommend transreads.org. There are a bunch of books on there available in pdf format that you can just download and read.

[transbookoftheday]

The Trans Self-Care Workbook by Theo Lorenz

If you're transgender, non-binary, or any other gender under the wide and wonderful trans umbrella, this book is for you. A creative journal and workbook with a difference, this book combines coloring pages celebrating trans identity, beauty and relationships, with practical advice, journaling prompts and space for reflection to promote self-affirmation and wellbeing.

Drawing on CBT and mindfulness techniques, the book covers topics including body positivity and neutrality, coming out, euphoria and dysphoria, building new friendships and navigating relationships with your friends and family, and is the go-to resource for anybody who has ever felt the pressure to conform to a singular definition or narrative.

Theo Nicole Lorenz's heart-warming and empowering illustrations of trans people will provide reassurance that you are never alone, and are a reminder to always treat yourself kindly.

[myfandomrealitea]

I really wanted to ask you about this:

Do you have any advice of how to develop critical thinking and media literacy?

There are many, many ways you can practice critical thinking, evaluation and media literacy. At its most basic, you can access student resources for lower levels of education like earlier high school years and look at the examples and guidance given there. Rehashing this will often give you a good foundation to build off of and apply.

One of the main aspects of critical thinking involves discerning what is fact and what is opinion. A good portion of media analytics is opinion. What is 'bad' by one person's standards is 'sub-par' or even 'great' by another's. Similarly, the majority of fandom space is opinion-based. The main pitfall of fandom spaces is that everyone wants their opinion to be taken as fact, which is where critical thinking and even basic communication begin to fall away.

"I'm right and you're wrong" and "this is the way it should be, if you do it or think differently, you're wrong" are common roadblocks people run into when engaging with things like media analysis and even basic fandom activities like fanfiction.

'Mischaracterisation' is fanfiction is one popular topic, especially here on Tumblr. What people often fail to recognize is the true creative depth of fanfiction and using someone else's pre-existing characters. Characters as they are in the source material may not make the choices or behave in the ways necessary to activate or validate certain plot material or author intentions in fanfiction. Which is, inherently, one of the main points of fanfiction. Exploring the alternate.

While you might immediately recoil and say "he'd never do that!" you then have to sit back and recognise that that's exactly the point. That this iteration of that character is not meant to directly reflect the source material. Its a re-imagining, a re-interpretation. That doesn't mean its bad. Its simply different.

'Mischaracterisation' is only actually applicable in fandom spaces when someone is trying to insist as a blanket fact that a character would do something or behave in a way that blatantly contradicts their canon behavior, opinions, morals and perspective or deliberately interpreting an action in biased bad faith. It is not actually applicable to fanfiction where creative liberty dictates you can do whatever the fuck you want with a character because you're not trying to claim it as part of the source content.

Questions To Ask Yourself

Am I reacting to [media] emotionally instead of rationally? Is my emotional response to [media] blinding me to the rational or critical approach(es)?

Am I allowing my expectations to get in the way of me understanding [media] fully? Am I forming a biased negative opinion of [media] because it isn't meeting my expectations?

Even if I disagree with [media], do I actually understand it? Can I recognise the reasoning behind choices made or actions even if I don't agree with them?

Am I searching too hard to hidden meaning or purpose in absolutely everything? Can I recognise what is simply passive information/detail and what is active information/detail? (E.g; English tutors saying a character's curtains are blue because they're depressed when throughout the literature its passively reinforced that blue is the character's favorite color.)

Even though I disagree with the statement or opinion shown, is it necessary to argue against it? Is there any benefit to making my counter-opinion known or is it simply a no-end argument? Am I just using arguing as a means of release/fulfilment? Am I treating this person poorly because of their opinion/statement?

Resources

Critical Thinking Exercises & Explanations #1 The Critical Thinking Activity Workbook Early Stage Critical Thinking Games Five Media Literacy Activities Six Media Literacy Ideas

[writingquestionsanswered]

How do I generate ideas for a first draft? I usually get stuck after making a Pinterest board, writing a very rough outline and then leaving the project behind. I have never written a first draft for any of those ideas which makes me feel sad. Help me out?

Ideas Never Lead to First Draft

This usually happens when you have a lot of disparate ideas for a story that aren't coherent or leading to a specific point.

Stories are more than just accounts of random people kicking around in their world doing random things. Stories have a point... a message that you want to get across to the reader. They have a conflict... an internal and/or external problem that must be resolved by the protagonist/main characters. The protagonist must have a goal that they're trying to pursue as a resolution to this problem. There has to be an antagonistic force creating obstacles that make the pursuit more difficult. Without those things, you just have a bunch of pretty pictures on a pinterest board, and maybe a loose outline of random things these characters can be randomly doing, but no actual story to write.

You can start by spending some time on my Plot & Story Structure master list of posts, and you might also want to spend some time on YouTube watching videos on topics like story conflict, motivation and goals, story structure, how to find your story's message and themes, etc.

Story plotting books and workbooks can also be incredibly helpful if you can spend a little money. Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody is a really good one. K.M. Weiland has a story outlining workbook that's really good. You can also look up different outlining methods like Larry Brooks' story structure or the Snowflake method. Etsy also has a bunch of downloadable/printable/digital story planners for reasonable prices. These are all great for helping you learn how stories should work and helping to give some substance to a whirlwind of disparate ideas. :)

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[devonellington]

Thurs. May 18, 2023: A Poetry-Centric Week

Clark Art Institute Reflecting Pool. Photo by Devon Ellington Thursday, May 18, 2023 Dark Moon Pluto Retrograde Sunny and cold It was 29 degrees F when I woke up this morning, and then dropped to 27. Brrrrr. The latest on the garden is over on Gratitude and Growth. Once again, Twitter is no longer letting WP post the link. I’m back on it a lot for the WGA Strike news, but then, I need to be…

[bitchesgetriches]

Punch Burnout Right in Its Stupid Face With Our New Burnout Workshop

In recent years your humble Bitches have been hired to give a few live, in-person speeches and workshops. We always ask the organizers to set a topic (since as you know, we can talk for hours on everything from our chickens to how everyone in the world can be categorized as either a Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard or a Dr. Richard Kimble from the 1993 classic The Fugitive). And we give our spin on whatever they suggest.

Then something interesting happened. During our closing Q&A sessions, no matter what the topic of our presentation was, the conversation with our audience would turn towards the same issue.

That issue was burnout.

Our call to action

Now, we already knew that burnout is a widespread issue. After all, we live on this planet. We’ve delved into the topic quite a bit over the years.

But seeing the pain in people’s eyes and hearing the desperation in their voices was a whole new level of fuckery. Awareness dawned on us that burnout is, for many people, a life-swallowing emergency faced without help, support, or even basic human compassion. These poor people are like sailors lost at sea. They use all of their strength to just keep floating for another moment. They’re too exhausted and depleted to swim for land, even if we told them where it was and how to get there. Our voices were reaching them far too late.

We’ve always felt it was our mission to help people. So when we saw for ourselves how many talented, bright, good-hearted people burnout was grinding into a fine powder, our new goal became clear.

Now, at long last, we’re unveiling the fruits of our labor.

The Burnout Workshop, presented by Bitches Get Riches and written by us, is complete. Unlike in the past, you don’t have to attend an in-person event to hear it. It’s available to everyone, everywhere—and you can take it right now.

The Burnout Workshop

Based on exhaustive research and hundreds of conversations with friends and readers suffering from the effects of burnout, our first-ever publicly available online course includes:

A full-ass movie-length video you can watch (and rewatch) at your own pace.

A thick and juicy 75+ page workbook crammed with exercises, personality tests, guided questions, tips, resources, and more.

Empirical research on what burnout is and why it’s so uniquely life-ruining.

Real, actionable ideas to heal yourself with no boot-licking and no bullshit.

By taking the Burnout Workshop, we want everyone to…

Practice identifying the major red flags of burnout, including the three that scare us the most.

Understand the biological processes that make stress both harmful and beneficial.

Know the physiological and psychological effects burnout causes within our bodies

Discover the 5 personality traits that make you easier to manipulate and prone to burning out.

Learn to spot the 5 environmental traits that all toxic, evil, soul-sucking shitholes have in common.

Identify your self-sabotaging behaviors and try exercises to reverse them.

Develop habits, tactics, and scripts to defend yourself from toxic environments.

Laugh politely at our obscure references, cringey gags, and gallows humor.

Learn what powers you already have, and how to wield them to get what you need.

Stop taking personal responsibility for systemic problems.

Internalize the truth that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Walk away with concrete plans for change.

Can I get a lil’ sneak up in this peek?

Hell yes. We’ve posted the introduction to the Burnout Workshop to YouTube to whet your whistle—a phrase whose mysterious and frankly disgusting origins we’ve never considered until just now. Watch it below.

How to access the Burnout Workshop

You can access the video and included workbook together through our Patreon page. You do not need to be a Patron to sign up! Click the link below to get started.

Get The Burnout Workshop Now

If you like it, please share it. We want to reach as many people as we can, and we could really use your help spreading the word!

We made the Burnout Workshop as affordable as possible. The obscene prices random influencers charge for AI-crafted horseshit is both professionally shocking and existentially terrifying to our frugal selves. Not in our workshop, friends. Like Gaston’s bare chest, every last inch of this is covered… with love. It represents hundreds of hours of our labor, including video editing from our amazing producer Ducky, who we take pride in paying a fair living wage for her efforts.

Big major super duper THANK YOU

Over the last few months while we worked on the Burnout Workshop, the blog and podcast took a backseat. (Maybe you noticed we republished a lot of stuff and haven’t even released season 5 of the podcast yet.) This project has been a ton of work for us. We did it in the hopes that this new endeavor could help us reach readers who need help desperately, and aren’t gonna get it elsewhere.

Throughout this process our Patreon supporters stood by us, funding our work and keeping the lights on around here. And they did so without complaint, despite a sharp decline in the frequency of new content. We can’t thank them enough for their trust and patience.

Which is why our Patreon supporters got the workbook for the course FOR FREE a few weeks ago! In addition, Our Moms (the highest tier of Patreon support) are getting the workbook and the course video entirely for free (we love you, Our Moms). So if you’re interested in the course, but you’d rather support our mission with a continuous donation instead of a one-time purchase, you can do all of that through our Patreon.

From the bottom of our bitchy little hearts… thank you. We’ll be back with more of our regular stuff soon enough!

Get The Burnout Workshop Now

[ninebluehearts]

Hi so I was reading some of the stuff you wright (which btw it’s all freaking amazing) and I was wondering if you could do a Joel x ftm reader where they were dating before the outbreak and then the outbreak happens. the day Joel and Tommy got separated Joel thought it would be best if reader went with Tommy (due to what happened with sarah thinking he couldn’t protect him and he doesn’t want to loose the only other person he loves) be safe even though Joel and reader were both heart broken reader agrees. Later on when Joel gets to Jacksonville Ellie all ready know all about reader so after Joel hugs Tommy reader yells out his name and they hug for a long time crying and just happy to see eachother. Little bit later reader find out about Ellie being infected and Joel and Ellie get scared (mainly Joel) that reader isn’t going to like that but instead reader asks her how long she’s been infected and Ellie tells her however long and reader says something along the lines of ‘ longest I’ve ever seen a kids last but hey try being infected for 2 years’ and Joel and Ellie are both confused and I just turns out reader is infected I really wanted to ask you cause I like the kinda touch or spark you add to your fics!

Sure thing, my love!! I love this idea so much tbh 🤌💗

Warnings(MDNI): Some smut, violence, miscarriage (pig, not human though), just proceed with caution :)

-------------------------------------------------------

"I'm home!" Sarah called out, taking off her muddy boots before she made her way into the kitchen, where you were already working on making her a snack.

"Hey baby! How was school?"

"It was alright, I guess. Mrs. Addison was talking about predicates again." She plopped down onto the barstool across from you, setting her backpack on the seat beside her.

"Speaking of, did you get a grade on that homework we worked on the other night yet?" You asked as you slid a plate of fruit towards her, all of them cut into many different shapes, though stars seemed to be the most common.

"Yeah, I got a ninety-two." Sarah tossed a piece of kiwi into the air, catching it with her mouth.

You huffed, your hands coming up to rest on the curve of your hips. "How? Which one's were wrong?"

Sarah's lips began to curl up into a slow smirk. "Now, I don't get to say I told you so very often. But..."

"Nope." You began to pull dishes from the sink, organizing them onto the counter beside you as you filled the sink with hot water and dish soap. "I know for a fact that the answer wasn't B."

"So, you're saying Mrs. Addison is wrong?"

"Yup."

"The same woman who's been teaching English for twenty something years?"

"Yup."

Sarah shook her head, chuckling as she began to pull her homework from her backpack. "Did Dad say what time he was gonna be home?"

"I think he said around seven, but you know how your father is." You said, scrubbing at a stuck piece of food on a plate with your thumbnail.

Sarah simply nodded, eating another piece of fruit from her plate before gently pushing it to the side, replacing it with her pre-algebra workbook.

You always loved how easily you and Sarah could work around each other, both of you working on completely different tasks, though you could still enjoy each other's company.

You and Joel had been dating for over three years now, and though that may not seem like a very long time, you were still very much so considered family all the same. Sarah called you Mom and Tommy liked to call you 'sis' every now and then.

You knew that Joel was a little nervous when it came to the topic of marriage. Things didn't end well with Sarah's biological mother, and he didn't know if he could go through that again with you. Though with his not-so-subtle hints, you had a feeling that would all change soon.

-

It was nine when Joel came home.

Both you and Sarah were curled up on the couch together, the end credits of Breaking Dawn part one rolling down the TV screen before you.

Joel gently hooked his arms under Sarah's back and under her legs, successfully detaching her from your embrace without waking her up. You on the other hand, woke up with a start, immediately reaching out for Sarah.

"Shh, I've got her." Joel whispered, smiling at how possessive you were over her.

You simply nodded, a yawn taking over once you relaxed.

Joel disappeared upstairs for a moment, leaving you to pick up the dinner mess you and Sarah had left on the coffee table and in the kitchen. As you began to wash the small load of dishes in the sink, you felt familiar arms wrap around your waist, causing you to jump at first.

"Jesus Joel! I didn't even hear you come down!"

Joel chuckled into the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath as he molded his body against yours. "You're cute when you get scared, you know that?"

You shook your head, placing a dripping plate into the rack beside you. "You're late, my love."

"I know."

"Again."

Joel let out a long groan, pulling away from you so he could lean against the counter next to you instead. "Chris gave us the wrong parts again. I swear to God, Tommy nearly kicked his ass. Fucker had a vein popping out on his forehead and everything."

You both laughed at that, soon allowing small talk to take over as Joel helped you clean up the rest of the kitchen. You soon both fell into your same old routine: Joel showers while you do your skin care, you both brush your teeth together, then Joel picks you up bridal style, carrying you to bed.

"Do you have to do this every night?"

"Damn right I do." Joel suddenly dropped you on the bed, climbing on top of you in an instant. "Why? Do you want me to stop?"

You shook your head, slipping your fingers into the damp waves that were Joel Miller's hair.

"Good." Next thing you knew his lips were on yours, his hand haphazardly reaching over to turn off the lamp, knocking over a couple of books and a tissue box in doing so.

-

The next morning you stared at Joel's sleeping face with a smile, taking in every detail; every wrinkle and scar. He was truly the most beautiful man you've ever seen.

The way the streak of morning sunlight lit up his features made butterflies erupt in your stomach, making it nearly impossible for you to not reach over and touch him. You brushed a strand of his hair away from his eyes, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his nose.

You watched as his eyes fluttered open, a look of confusion that quickly turned to lust crossed his gaze. "G'mornin' baby doll." He slurred, sleep evident in his tone.

"'Mornin' honey. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you yet."

"S'ok. I needed to get up anyways." Joel rolled onto his back, groaning as he extended his arms out to stretch, soon settling back into a comfortable sleeping position once again, his eyes fallen shut.

"Hey." You crossed your arms and rested them on his chest, setting your chin on your forearms as you looked at him.

Joel hummed, not opening his eyes.

"Happy Birthday." You said, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

"Mmm, thank you, baby." Joel lazily brought his hand up to stroke your hair, brushing the stray pieces behind your ear. "I love you."

"I love you too." You murmured, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. When neither of you pulled away, you sat up on your forearms, deepening the kiss as you slipped your leg over Joel's hip, his hand coming up to grab the back of your thighs, pulling you closer.

The blankets fell to rest on your lower back, reveling your upper half to the cool air. You pulled away from the kiss as you sat up, placing your hands on Joel's chest. "Want a preview of your birthday present now?" You asked with a smirk, gently biting your bottom lip.

"Damn right I do." Joel reached over and grabbed a good handful of your ass, shivering at the low moan you let out.

A loud knock sounded from your bedroom door, making both you and Joel jump. "It's seven thirty! Come on, I'm making breakfast!" Sarah called out, knocking on the door one more time for good measure before she went downstairs.

You sighed, a small smile tugging at your lips. "Rain check?"

Joel nodded, his hand unexpectedly smacked your ass, making you yelp as you climbed off of him.

"Don't push your luck."

"It's my birthday. I can do whatever I please."

-

By the time you got home from work, Joel was still out on a job with Tommy and Sarah was presumably still next-door, helping Mrs. Adler bake cookies.

With nobody home, you decided to take some time for yourself. You cleaned up the house, threw dinner in the oven, then headed upstairs for a shower. By the time you came back downstairs, hearing the ovens timer sound off, you walked in to see Sarah already pulling the dish out of the oven for you.

"Oh, hey! When'd you get here?" You squeezed your hair with the towel one more time before you draped it over a nearby chair, walking over to the cabinets to pull out two plates.

"Just now." Sarah pushed a container of cookies towards the top of the counter with a grimace.

You raised your eyebrow, finding it strange that she wouldn't want a cookie. "What did you guys make?"

"Rasin."

You nodded your head, a look of disgust crossing your own face this time. "Well, you could give 'em to your uncle. God knows he'll eat anything."

Sarah gave you a small smile, hooking her finger on the edge of the plate full of pasta and dragging towards her. "By the way, is there anything going on today? There's a lot of police out for some reason."

"I noticed that too! I'm sure it's nothing. That new mall opened up downtown, so it could be shoplifters again." You picked up your own plate before heading into the living room. "Come on, we've still got part two to finish!"

And with that, Sarah picked up her own plate and followed you, brushing off the previous conversation.

-

You and Sarah turned to look at Joel when he walked in the door, silently taking off his coat and dropping his keys in the bowl besides the door.

"You're late." Sarah crossed her arms, trying her best to seem firm.

"You're cute." Joel said as he walked by, ruffling her hair before kissing the top of your head, plopping down on the open seat between you and Sarah.

He went on about why he was late getting home again, mumbling something about the wrong sized headers as he took off his boots. "Ah, never mind. Doesn't mean anything to ya."

Sarah glanced around the room, raising her eyebrow. "So. Where's that cake you promised?"

Joels hands came up to rub his face, a deep groan sounding from behind his palms.

You and Sarah exchanged a look.

"Come on, man."

"I know, I know." His hands fell to his lap, fixing his gaze on her. "Look, I'll pick us up one in the morning. I promise."

"Swear? Or else you won't get your present."

Joel sat up, a smile creeping onto his face. "You got me a present?"

"Swear."

"On my life."

Sarah reached behind the pillow besides her for a moment before retrieving a small box, silently handing it to Joel.

Joel glanced at you with suspicion; you held up your hands. "I dunno what it is."

Joel opened the box to reveal his old watch, though instead of the shattered glass and dead battery, the watch looked almost brand new.

"I got it fixed for you."

Joel picked up the watch and held it against his ear, a soft look of confusion washed over his features. "Did you?"

"What?" Sarah grabbed his arm, pulling it towards her so she could examine it. Once she realized the watch was fine, she rolled her eyes, plopping back against the couch.

Joel let out a laugh. "Gotcha!"

"You're lame." Sarah said, all three of you laughing along.

"Where'd you get the money for this?" Joel asked Sarah, silently asking for your help to buckle the watch on his wrist.

"Drugs. I sell hard core drugs."

You rolled your eyes, giving her a disapproving Mom look.

"Better than what I do." Joel muttered, admiring the watch.

"It was only twenty dollars.. Which I stole from you." She elaborated once she saw the look Joel gave her. "I could've stolen sixty, but I put the change back because I'm an honest thief."

"Mhm."

"Besides, it's the thought that counts. You were never gonna do it for yourself, so.."

Joel stared at her, letting the room fall silent for just a moment. "Thank you." He went back to fidgeting with the watch; Joel was never amazing at showing his emotions, but both you and Sarah could tell he was grateful.

You nodded at the pillow behind Sarah, watching her eyes light up. "Oh yeah! There's one more." She pulled out a DVD case from behind the pillow, causing Joel to grab it from her once he realized what it was. "I borrowed it from the Adler's."

"Oh! This is the one with the deleted scenes!"

"Yeah, imagine how bad those have to be."

Joel handed you the case, excitedly showing you where it said ''deleted scenes.''

"Come on. Pop it in; we've gotta celebrate your birthday." Sarah said with a soft smile.

You got up and shoved the disk into the player, plopping back down on the couch when you were done. Both you and Sarah curled into either of Joel's sides, causing a wide smile to spread across his lips.

"Now, you guys can't fall asleep now."

"Of course not. It's too riveting." Sarah said, making both you and Joel huff out a laugh.

-

Of course, you and Sarah fell asleep.

It was midnight by now, both you and Sarah remained huddled up against Joel's sides, your soft snores buried under the screams from the movie.

Joel's phone began to vibrate on the coffee table, making Sarah stir beside him.

"Hello?" Joel whispered when he answered, trying not to wake the two of you.

You woke up not a moment later, Joel's conversation and the TV became loud enough to wake you. You listened closely, hearing Tommy's muffled voice on the phone.

With the way Joel let out a long sigh and the rambling on the line, it sounded like Tommy got arrested again.

"Okay." Was all Joel said before he hung up, mumbling a quiet, "Fucking idiot." Before trying to figure out how he was gonna untangle himself from the couch.

"Who was that?" You whispered, sitting up so you could stretch.

"Fucking Tommy got into another fight. I've gotta go bail him out." He slowly slid off of the couch, turning to gently pick up Sarah.

You silently followed him upstairs, opening Sarah's door for him before making your way to your own room. Knowing Sarah was asleep, you didn't bother closing the door as you got changed into your pajamas.

"I'll be back in an hour, okay?" Joel said from the doorway, watching as you pulled on a pair of cotton shorts.

"Alright, just be safe, alright?"

Joel gave you a quiet nod, which put your mind at ease.

You walked over and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "You know I love you, right?"

Joel pressed his palm against your cheek, kissing your forehead in return. "I know."

You both nodded, saying your goodnights before you made your way to your bed, hearing Joels keys jingling from downstairs.

Knowing he wasn't home made you anxious. You couldn't help but think back to the conversation you had with Sarah earlier, about the police and such. You had a bad feeling in your gut, but you had no choice but to push it away.

Nothing bad is going to happen. Everything is fine.

You repeated the mantra in your mind until you soon fell asleep.

-

Your eyes snapped open when you heard Joel scream your name from downstairs, his boots thumping against the stairs as he jumped up them.

You reached over and turned on the light, looking back to see Joel racing towards you.

"We've gotta go right fucking now."

"What? Why-"

"Now!" He grabbed your arm, pulling you out of bed and back downstairs.

You managed to grab your coat and shoes before you got outside, seeing that Sarah and Tommy were already in the truck.

Joel helped you into the backseat before he climbed in next to Tommy in the front, yelling at him to drive, though he was already stomping on the gas pedal.

"What the fuck is going on Joel?" You asked, sitting on the edge of your seat so you could see where you were going.

You watched as Tommy turned around in the yard, turning back onto the road. The headlights of the truck illuminated the Alder's yard; both Mr. and Mrs. Adler stumbled out of their home and towards the road, both of them covered in blood.

"Holy shit, Joel! We have to help them!"

Joel still didn't say anything to you. "Drive." He told Tommy, making both you and Sarah's eyes go wide.

Tommy hesitated for a moment, but then stomped on the gas, successfully hitting Mrs. Adler.

You held your hand against your stomach, a wave of nausea washing over you. Your ears began to ring, making it nearly impossible to hear what they were saying.

Sarah kept asking if you were all sick, Tommy yelled at the car that almost hit the truck, Joel tried to comfort Sarah and give Tommy directions. It was all such a mess.

You slid over a seat, wrapping your arms around Sarah to comfort her. You were both shaking, fearing the unknown.

"I've got you, baby." You whispered, gently dragging your nails along her back. Though she melted into your embrace, she continued to shake, her quick heartbeat thumping against your shoulder.

Soon you were in the city, where hundreds of people ran around the streets like chickens with their heads cut off; some were even covered in blood. Some seemed to be chasing the others.

Some were eating people in the streets.

You covered Sarah's eyes, refusing to let her see such a sight. It took everything in you not to throw up yourself.

Time moved by so fast it all felt like a dream.

And god damnit you hoped it was.

Tommy and Joel fought over where to drive to as crowds of people flooded the streets. And over all of the screaming, you could hear a quiet whistling sound.

Against your instinct, you turned to look out the back window, seeing a plane rapidly heading nose first towards the ground.

"Joel!" You screamed out, making Joel turn to see what was wrong.

His eyes went wide. "Fuck! Tommy, go now!"

But it was too late. The plane crashed into the ground with a squeal, making all of your ear's tense. That was the last thing you remembered before you blacked out.

When you finally came to, Sarah was lying next to you in the flipped truck, watching something outside of the shattered back window.

You turned to see what she was looking at; the sight draining the blood from your face.

A man was sitting on top of a woman, his mouth firmly planted on her neck, causing blood to stream down her collarbone and shoulders.

You recognized the man. He had come into the store this morning, telling you about how his wife had suddenly fallen ill with some kind of flu, you recalled.

"Sarah?" Joel called out, grabbing his daughters' hip. "Shit guys. Don't look at that." He started untangling Sarah from the vehicle, trying to quiet her whimpers as he worked.

Tommy pried open the door closest to you, hooking his arms under your shoulders and dragging you out.

You screamed in pain, your arm twisted out of place.

"Ah fuck!" Tommy muttered. "This is gonna hurt like a bitch.." And before you could register what he was doing, he grabbed your arm and twisted as hard as he could, snapping it back into place.

Your breath caught in your throat; the pain so sharp you couldn't even make a sound. Tears welled in your eyes as your arm throbbed in pain. And though you didn't want to get up, Tommy pulled you to your feet anyways, making his way over to the end of the truck.

"Is she okay?" Joel called out, trying to look for you.

"I'm fine!" You called back, finally catching his gaze for a split second. And in that one, single moment, you felt safe.

"We have to get off of the street!" Tommy yelled out, a cop car slamming into the end of the truck not a second later.

The cars were stacked on top of one another, both of them engulfed in flames. You and Tommy searched for a space to see Joel and Sarah, the smoke making it nearly impossible.

Once Tommy found a clear space between the two vehicles, he told Joel to head for the river and that he'd meet him there.

"What? We can't get separated!" You protested, looking at Tommy as though he were crazy.

"We ain't got much of a choice!" Tommy pulled a gun out from behind him, handing it to you. "Come on!"

He grabbed your good wrist and dragged you towards the ally, though you still tried to protest.

"Fuck, no Tommy! I can't kill anybody!"

"Again, you ain't got much of a choice." You both ran through the streets, trying to hide from the masses.

You had to stop to breathe for a moment. You were shaking and hyperventilating, the stress made your body begin to shut down.

"What the fuck are you doing? We have to go now!"

You tried to run again, but your vision was beginning to go out; black slowly closeing in around you.

"Fuck." Tommy muttered, wrapping his arm around your shoulders so he could drag you along with him.

By the time you got to the river, you saw a man towering over Joel with his gun pointed at him; Sarah laid in the grass nearby.

Tommy shot the man without hesitation, all of you standing there in shock.

Sarah's sharp, quick breaths filled the air, turning your attention to her. "No."

You raced over and dropped down besides her, covering her bleeding stomach with your hands. "Baby no!"

Joel was suddenly next to her, his eyes wide as he stared at your blood-covered hands. "We've gotta go-" He tried to pick her up, but Sarah screamed out in pain, pushing him away. "Come on babygirl! You've gotta get up!" His voice cracked as he yelled for her to get up, desperately trying to find a way to make it better.

You placed your hand on his shoulder, your throat tightening as tears swelled in your eyes. "Joel honey.."

"No! Look, she's okay! See? Come on baby, tell 'em you're fine!" Joel hugged Sarah against his body, tears streaming down his cheeks as he muttered please over and over again.

You wrapped your arms around Joel and Sarah as best you could, breaking down when you felt Joel's hand squeeze your arm for comfort.

-

Seventeen Years Later...

"No, I'm fucking done with this shit!" Tommy said, shoving the door open as he stormed out of the broken-down building, you and Joel hot on his heels.

"You ain't got a choice Tommy! What else are you gonna do? Settle down somewhere nice? Huh? Let me remind you that the only other life there is out there is in another fucking QZ!"

"So, you'd let them murder innocent people rather than fight for a better life? All because you're too scared of some government?" Tommy asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Joel scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Nobody's innocent."

"No, but everyone's a survivor. And I don't know about you, but I'd like to revive the human race, not help end it!"

Tommy had been aiding the FireFlies for the past three months now, claiming that they were trying to bring peace to QZ's around the continent. And though you agreed with them in theory, you thought they were going about all of this the wrong way.

You gently wrapped your hand around Joel's arm. "He's not wrong-"

"Jesus Christ! Now you?" Joel tore his arm away from you, stomping just a few feet away from you both. "I mean fuck! Y'all act like I want to do this shit!" He let out a humorless laugh, rubbing his hands over his face.

Tommy walked over to him, setting his hand on his shoulder. "Come on man. We'll leave these bastards behind, and we'll figure out something else- something better, okay?"

Joel shook his head, shrugging off his hand. "There ain't nothing out there Tommy!" A vein began to show on Joel's forehead, making your heart clench.

"Then you can keep doin' this shit on your own, because I'm done." Tommy stormed back inside to grab his stuff, leaving you alone with Joel.

"Listen-"

"You're going with him."

"What?" Your brows furrowed together; confusion evident on your features. "I'm not going anywhere without you-"

"You're goin'!" Joel snapped, surprising both of you with his tone. "And that's final."

You stormed over to him, pointing your finger in his face. "You don't get to tell me what to do. I can look after myself just fine, thank you."

"Good. Because you're gonna need to."

"What are you saying Joel? Don't you want to be together?" Your rage quickly faded as you studied his features, realizing what he meant. "No. Joel, we've been together twenty years- I can't lose you now. Not when we've come so far."

Joel placed his hand on your shoulder, finally allowing his eyes to meet yours. Seeing the tears welling up in your eyes hurt him on so many different levels. "I'm sorry." He pressed a kiss against your forehead, his entire body trembling against yours.

"Don't do this." You whispered, closing your eyes as the pain of losing him washed over you.

Without another word, Joel turned around and walked down the street, leaving you in tears.

"Joel! Fuck! Please come back!" You screamed out, your voice cracking as a sob began to rise in your throat. You felt Tommy's hand on your shoulder; you turned, hugging him as tight as you could as each sob wracked through your body.

"He'll come around." He said, though he didn't know how much he believed that himself.

-

About two months later, you and Tommy ran into a woman named Maria in Jackson, Wyoming.

You and Tommy had been walking for hours at that point, trying to find some kind of civilization that wasn't completely corrupted by the people or its own government.

You had asked if you could take a break for a moment, deciding that the open field that surrounded a river would be the perfect place to breathe.

Tommy reluctantly agreed, saying that you had five minutes while he went to find a place to 'take a piss,' in his own words.

You laid back on the ground for a while, closing your eyes to take in all of the smells and sounds of nature, trying to ignore the chill that always seemed to creep in through your heavy layers of clothing.

Though when you opened your eyes, a woman stood behind your head, pointing a gun in your face. You'll admit, Maria always knew how to make one hell of an impression.

She invited you and Tommy to come and live in the commune that the two of you hadn't even noticed; it's enormous gates only stood but two miles from where they had found you.

It's safe to say you both accepted. Though you agreed to keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

It had been months since then, and Jackson life seemed to be a perfect fit for the both of you.

It didn't take long for Tommy and Maria to begin dating, though you always knew there was something between the two of them.

And while a few different men in the commune tried to worm their way into your heart, you made it known that you weren't looking for any tenants at the moment.

Two years later and you still couldn't seem to let Joel go.

You had no idea if he were still alive at this point, but you held out hope. He had to be out there somewhere; you could feel it.

And while Jackson was absolutely perfect, you didn't get to stay here for free. You were paired up with a farmer named Kenny, the both of you tasked with taking care of the pigs and chickens, making sure their pens were clean and they had plenty of food and water.

"Morning Kenny! How's Miss Q doing this morning?" You asked as you closed the pen's gate behind you, reaching over to pet one of the pigs that were happily munching on their lunch.

"She seems to be doing a lot better after your last goodnight kiss." Kenny gestured towards the pig in question, who was playing in the mud with her baby piglets.

"Ahh, I'm glad to hear it! I was worried about her for a while there." Miss Q the pig lost one of her piglets during birth two weeks ago and she seemed to be in a funk ever since.

"You're tellin' me." Kenny said, handing you a shovel. "You start on the chickens while I refill their feed?"

You simply nodded, taking the shovel and heading out towards the chicken coup to clean out their pen.

On your way over, you heard men yelling commands to one another, and not a moment later the gate was open, allowing a group of people to come inside.

They already made a supply run the other day, so you didn't have a clue as to what they could be doing outside. Deciding to mind your own business, you walked on, making a mental note to ask Tommy about it over dinner.

That was, until you heard it.

"Tommy!"

Your eyes went wide as chills ran down your spine, your breath caught in your throat. You dropped your shovel, walking down the street towards the gates.

The closer you got, the more you believed it could actually be him. You saw Tommy holding the man in a tight embrace, carrying on a conversation you couldn't make out the words to.

You picked up your pace, now racing towards the men as fast as you could.

Hearing the sounds of boots stomping against the ground, the man looked up, his wide eyes staring straight into yours, making you stop right in your tracks.

"Joel." You whispered, your soft pants causing little white clouds to block your vision for a moment.

Joel pulled away from Tommy, gently brushing past him as he made his way over to you.

"Darlin'-"

You practically jumped on him, digging your nails into his back as you held him impossibly close, tearing up at the soft chuckle he let out.

"I'm here baby, it's alright." He whispered into your hair, holding you just as close.

You stayed like that for a while, neither of you wanting the moment to end just yet. You've wondered around for the past two years feeling as though you were missing something- like you weren't complete. And this was it; Joel was your missing half.

"Sooo, this is her, I assume?" You heard a girl say from behind you. You turned to face her, smiling at how cute she looked with the millions of layers of clothing.

Joel cleared his throat, introducing you to Ellie.

You shook her hand, giving her a warm smile. "I'm impressed, honestly. You're the oldest kid I've seen in a while that isn't completely stuck in a QZ."

"You should be. It isn't easy trying to survive with this asshole." Ellie said, making Joel roll his eyes.

"I got you here in one piece, didn't I?"

"Eh, the jury's still out."

You couldn't quite put your finger on it, but there was some kind of connection between the two of them. Even when you all were eating dinner in the cafeteria later on that night, you could see it.

And when it finally hit you, you couldn't help but tear up a bit.

You vividly remembered all of the dinners you had with Joel and Sarah over twenty years ago, listening to their playful banter and having to step in when one got offended.

"So," Ellie began, pulling you from your thoughts. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" You asked, taking a sip from your glass of water.

"How did you and Joel get separated. Bastard won't tell me."

"Ellie." Joel warned, staring at her with a dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"What? I'm curious!"

"Things just didn't work out, honestly. We both needed time away from each other I guess." You felt Joel's attention shift to you, though you couldn't bare to look at him in that moment.

Of course you were glad he was back, but that didn't make two years of heart break just go away with a snap of his fingers. It was going to take time.

Disappointed that your answer wasn't as interesting as she hoped, Ellie went back to eating her dinner.

"So, you never told me what brought you all the way out here. Tell me everything." You looked between Joel and Ellie, resting your chin on your fists.

Joel cleared his throat, glancing at Ellie before focusing on you. "Marlene wanted me to bring her out to Salt Lake with the other FireFlies."

"Why?"

"Uh- You know how Marlene is; she doesn't tell any of us much of anything-"

"You know Marlene?" Ellie asked, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Sadly." Your eyes slightly squinted as you stared at Joel, looking him up and down with suspicion. He was always a horrible liar. "She always had a stick up her ass last time I saw her."

"Really? She was chill with me. She didn't even freak out when she saw that I was infect-"

Joel let out a loud cough, turning in his seat to look at Ellie with wide eyes.

"You're infected?" You asked, a small smile beginning to tug at your lips.

"She is, but listen-"

You held up your hand, cutting off Joel. "For how long?"

Ellie glanced at Joel, almost as if she were asking for permission before answering. "A couple of months."

You watched as Ellie pulled up the sleeve of her shirt, revealing a scarred over bite mark on her forearm.

You traced your finger over the skin, marveling at all of the cordyceps veins that spiraled around the bite. "Hm." You leaned back in your chair; Ellie pulled her sleeve back down. "How do you feel?"

"Fine, I guess. It's a little weird to know it's there though."

"Eh, you'll get used to it. Try being infected for two years." You said with a laugh, taking a sip from your drink.

"What?" Joel sat up straight in his seat, his eyebrows furrowing together.

"Oh, yeah!" You stood up and set your foot on the table, rolling up your jeans to reveal your own bite mark that lay just above your ankle.

Joel stared at your leg for a while, your conversation with Ellie was nothing but mumbles to him at this point.

It was his fault. If he hadn't been such an asshole then maybe this never would've happpened..

Joel stood from his chair, hurrying out of the room without saying a word.

"I'll be right back." You told Ellie, hurrying after him. When you got outside, Joel was leaning against the side of the building, a hand on his chest with his eyes squeezed shut. "Jesus Joel, what's wrong?"

"M'fine. Go back inside." Joel waved his hand out to dismiss you, trying to conceal his pain.

You placed your hand on his back, frowning when he flinched at your touch. "Hey, look at me."

"Baby-"

"Look at me, Joel."

Joel finally looked up at you, meeting your piercing gaze.

"Breathe with me?" You asked as you took a deep breath in, following up with five more when he began to copy you.

He took another deep breath by himself this time, standing up straight. "I swear, I don't know why those keep happening."

"They're panic attacks, baby. I'm sure everyone in the world gets 'em at this point." You pressed your back against the wall, crossing your arms over your chest. "What caused it?"

Joel shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Was it my bite? If so, then you have to know that it wasn't your fault-"

"Of course it was my fault." He put his hands on his hips with a huff. "If I had just- been there, then maybe things would've been different.."

"But I'm fine, aren't I?"

"And if you weren't? What would I have done then, huh?" Joel snapped, now inches from your face. "I can't live in a world without you. I've lost too much already."

"C'mere." You grabbed the edge of his shirt and pulled him close to you, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'm safe. You're safe. We're safe. Okay?"

Joel stared at you for a moment, fear evident on his features. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, holding you firmly against his chest. "Okay."

[mystic-writings]

remember the nights | chapter nine — suspicion

WORD COUNT — 2,880

WARNINGS — none

NOTES — sorry but this chapter will always be iconic to me

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In the week since you’d realized your true feelings toward Newt, it was as though you couldn’t get your mind off the topic. Your eye caught onto everything Newt said or did, fixating on him, making you glance his way every few minutes. 

You felt like your senses had been dialed up to eleven, like you’d suddenly become more alert and hyper-aware of his presence when he was around you. You’d automatically began to pick up on every little thing now, and it was getting to you. Every time he sat next to you during lunch, every time he’d lean over to see your workbook during chemistry to make sure you were doing things right — where you’d always end up catching a whiff of his cologne. You even picked up on how he would glance your way every now and then, like he was checking to make sure you were still there. 

Normally, you’d be excited that it was Friday, because Friday meant dinner at Mickey’s and going to the playground. But there was a problem this week. Instead of you getting a ride with Thomas and Teresa, Newt had offered to pick you up early, and for some reason, you said yes. You’d usually be even more excited about something like this, but you weren’t looking forward to being hyper-aware, nor were you looking forward to being alone with Newt. 

You didn’t have much of a choice anymore, though, as you’d already agreed. Plus, this was something you were going to have to learn to live with if you wanted to keep the friend group entirely intact, so adjusting to it this way just seemed like your best option.

By 6pm, you’d changed out of your school clothes and into something warmer — and playground appropriate, as you were sure that you’d be playing Grounders again like you had last week — and were waiting patiently for the text from Newt to tell you he was waiting outside. You’d already put everything you needed into your purse, and pulled it onto your shoulder as you headed out of your room to wait in the living room with your dad and Chuck. 

When you found them and sat on the arm of the couch, you were unsurprised to find them watching Star Wars, both of them so invested in the film that you were sure they hadn’t noticed your arrival. Your phone pinged just as you were being sucked into the movie, indicating Newt was waiting for you. 

You typed out a reply as you stood and made your way to the door, hitting send just as Thomas called out your name from the stairs. You stopped right in front of the door, turning around and looking up from your phone. “What’s up?”

Thomas wasted very little time in crossing the hallway, nor in getting to the point. “Do you have feelings for Newt?”

You froze, merely blinking at the boy in front of you as you tried to wipe the shock from your face. You already felt the burning creeping up your cheeks, and you only hoped that Thomas didn’t notice it as you laughed his question off. “I don’t know what makes you think that, but I can promise you, Thomas, I don’t have feelings for Newt.”

“Oh, really?” Thomas’ words came out eerily calm, underlined with anger. “Because I think you do. I think you have since you met him. I mean, you’re basically spending every second you’re with him as close to him as you can get. And I’m starting to think he has feelings for you, too.” 

You could feel the anger stewing within Thomas like a brewing storm. “Listen to me, Thomas. I don’t have feelings for Newt. And I doubt he feels that way about me, either. So don’t read too much into something that isn’t there, or you’ll drive yourself crazy.” 

A horn honked outside, accompanied by another ping on your phone. You turned back to face the door, gripping the handle and opening it. A chill was sent over your body as a breeze blew inside, and you turned to face Thomas one final time. 

“There’s nothing going on between us, I promise. You have nothing to worry about, okay? I’ll see you at the diner.” 

Stepping out into the cold evening, you slammed the door behind you. Your gut began to churn as you made your way to Newt’s car, your mind running in circles as you processed exactly what just happened. How has Thomas managed to figure it out? Were you so obvious about how you felt about Newt? And why had he been so angry, anyway? There was no way you were going to do anything about how you felt, there were just too many risks involved.  

You managed to pull yourself from your thoughts and back to the real world when your hand clutched the handle of the passenger door, prying it open. You plastered a semi-fake smile on your lips as you slipped into the car and greeted Newt, making sure he had no suspicions that anything negative had happened.

As the boy turned the car off the street, you asked, “Is there any real reason you wanted to take me to the diner alone, or am I just that amazing that you wanted to spend more time with me?”

Newt laughed, glancing at you. “I just thought you’d want to have at least one car ride to the diner that didn’t involve your brother and his girlfriend. I know what it’s like to be the third wheel with them on car rides, and it’s definitely not my favorite thing to do.” 

“Thank you for saving me from that this week, then.”  You smiled. “It feels weird, listening to their conversations in the backseat and not really being a part of them. It’s like I’m hearing stuff I’m not supposed to.” 

The rest of the short drive was occupied entirely by the radio as a calm feeling settled over the both of you. Once you arrived at the diner, you were greeted immediately by Mickey and Frypan before heading to your usual booth, unsurprised to find that you were the first ones there. You and Newt sat at the booth with your backs to the door, with him tucked into the wall, and you right next to him. 

Not long after you arrived did Teresa and Thomas, who mirrored yours and Newt’s seating position. Then came Brenda, who had walked up on her own using the shortcut. The rest of the group arrived all at once, about twenty minutes after you first got to the diner. Gally, Minho, Sonya, and Harriet all filed into the diner, one after the other, like the warmth inside was the only thing that would keep them alive. 

Turning your head to face them as Gally slid into the booth next to Teresa, you smirked and asked, “So, what took you four so long to get here, exactly?”

“He took forever to get ready,” Gally glared at Minho, who put his hands up defensively and wore an expression that displayed the perfect mixture of shock and offense. 

He scoffed. “Well I’m sorry that I actually care about my appearance, jackass.”

“There’s a difference between caring about your appearance and spending twenty five minutes in the bathroom doing your hair.” Harriet cut in, pushing the tables together. 

“Seriously, Minho, what the hell were you even doing in there?” Sonya asked, pulling up a chair. 

Minho sat down and said, “There’s a science to the swoop, okay? I have to get it right otherwise it doesn’t work.”

The group laughed as everyone sat down, before you took over the conversation. “Couldn’t Minho have driven himself, though? I mean, you’re almost eighteen, right? Don’t you have a license?”

“Minho’s not allowed to drive,” Newt told you, a cheeky smile on his face. 

“Why not?”

All eyes landed on Minho, who sat at the head of the table. “I may or may not have crashed the car my parents bought me.”

“He didn’t just crash his car,” Thomas said. “He crashed the very nice, very new, Toyota his parents got him for his birthday a week after he got it. Dumbass tried to do donuts in the school parking lot and hit a lamppost.”

“They banned me from having a car until I’m 20.” 

Minho’s downtrodden tone and exaggerated pout was enough to get people laughing for a bit. 

Dinner went as it always did. Conversation flowed steadily between everyone, sometimes pausing as people ate their food. Then came the milkshakes, and you were almost shocked when Mickey stopped you before you ordered to tell you he knew what you wanted, and had already written it down. The only oddity of the meal was Thomas, who seemed to think that glancing between you and Newt every few minutes with a stone cold expression on his face was completely normal and not weird in the slightest. You noticed the anger brewing in his dark brown irises, and could only feel annoyed at him. 

After dinner, while everyone was on their way to the playground, Gally called out from the back of the group, “Everyone’s going to the bonfire, right?”

“Bonfire?” You asked, glancing back at the boy. “There’s a bonfire? When?”

“Oh, that’s right,” Brenda realized from beside you. “Yeah, it’s like this unofficial school event type of thing. The juniors and seniors throw one every year on the second Friday of November, just outside of town. There’s an old baseball diamond out there where the old school was before it got torn down and it’s always super fun. There’s booze and music and stuff.”

“But that’s not the best part, though,” Sonya told you. “Apparently, every year since like…. the eighties, something big has happened at the party. Most times there’s a fight or something like that, but a few times people have been caught cheating on their partners. From what I’ve heard, it’s really cool to watch.”

Your stomach churned once again as you processed the information. A party where alcohol would be served without supervision to a bunch of teenagers, packed with drama, and a raging, borderline dangerous, fire? It sounded like a recipe for utter disaster. You only nodded at Sonya’s words, keeping quiet until you reached the playground, where everyone left their items on the picnic bench as Harriet declared a game of Grounders. 

The game itself lasted for a while, and as usual, it was a lot of fun. Newt proved to be surprisingly good at creeping over the gravel ground to reach the merry-go-round without getting caught, and you devised a practically foolproof plan of not getting caught by whoever was ‘it’. All you had to do was climb over the railing of the small bridge on the main play structure, stand there with your hands on the rail and feet on the lip of the platform, and wait for the game to end. 

Once everyone decided to do their own things, you decided to head over to the swings. With your hands gripping the chainlinks, you leaned back as far as your body would allow and tilted your view to the sky, deciding to see exactly how much of Newt’s information about the stars you could remember, doing your best to identify as many constellations as you could remember. 

As you were searching for Orion’s belt, the chainlinks of the swing to your left rattled, and you pulled yourself up to find that Newt had sat in the swing beside you. 

His feet kicked lightly at the dirt and rocks below him as his hands gripped the chainlinks similarly to yours, neck stretched to look up at the sky as well. 

Your eyes trailed along the outline of his side profile, from the way his hair flopped backward, to the slope of his nose, to his very prominent Adam’s apple, which bobbed as he began to speak. 

“Do you know why people named the stars?”

“No,” you practically whispered, shaking your head even though he couldn’t see you. You were struggling to focus, completely overtaken by Newt. You begged it to focus, focus, focus on anything but him. On the way he looked. 

On how much you wanted to kiss him. 

“We’ve always been doing it. Mostly the Romans, Arabs, and the Greeks, though. They liked attaching names and meanings to the stars. To cope with living with them, I think.” He said. “They all had different names for them. The Greeks liked putting the stars into their myths, like the daughters of Atlas and stuff.” Even as Newt continued talking, you could barely focus on what he was telling you. 

The simple fact was, you just couldn’t take your eyes off of him for long enough to tune into the conversation. You could hear the hum of his voice, it’s usual cadence, but your mind refused to process his words, only willing to process him. 

When you did manage to pull yourself from the stupor you found yourself in, you glanced over to the picnic table, where Thomas, Teresa, and Brenda were, sitting on the tabletop with their feet planted on the bench seat. Brenda and Teresa talked adamantly to one another, but Thomas remained silent. His hand was intertwined with Teresa’s, resting on her thigh, but his eyes were glued on you and Newt. 

The unsettling feeling in your gut and the burning in his eyes confirmed that he’d seen everything, and everything you tried to deny came undone in seconds. Everything you’d told him earlier was a complete lie, and now he knew it, too. 

Newt’s voice trailed off after a few more minutes, and this time, you were the one who took over the conversation. Squinting, your eyes swept over the playground as you said, “Do you know what I caught Brenda doing in photography today?”

A laugh was already beginning to form in his mouth as Newt asked, “What’d she do this time?”

“She was watching Descendants, again.”

Newt laughed loudly, probably catching other people’s attention, but you didn’t care, as you laughed with him. 

“I don’t blame her, since we didn’t have much to do, but when I asked her why she was watching it all she told me was that she ‘couldn’t help that Jay was hot.’”

Newt’s contagious laughter continued, reducing to giggles that you couldn’t help but smile at. When he finally calmed, he spared a glance to her and Teresa, still talking adamantly with one another. “I’ll never understand their obsession with those movies. Ever since the first one came out it’s like they’ve watched them a thousand times.” 

“I get it,” you shrugged. “I was the same way with Lord of The Rings. I still am.” Newt’s eyes widened at your confession and you giggled at his expression. “Me,  my dad, and my uncle have been obsessed with the movies for as long as I can remember. They sat me in front of the TV when I was like, five, and I’ve been hooked since. And with the amount of stuff I’ve bought because of it, I think my dad’s starting to regret it.” 

“How much do you think you’ve spent, then?”

You contemplated the question for a bit, doing some brief mental math. “I’m not sure, exactly, but it’s a lot. I’ve got like, four or five different copies of the trilogies, maybe?” Newt’s jaw dropped and you laughed. “Let me explain it to you. I have them on Apple TV, since the bundle for The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings were on sale last year, uh, my dad bought the extended edition of the trilogy on DVD when the last movie came out, and a few years ago my uncle gave me his DVD set, and I found all three theatrical edition DVDs at a Value Village a few years back, so I bought them.” 

Newt scoffed out a disbelieving laugh and shook his head. “I just can’t believe your family spent that much money on a single movie series.”

“Oh, that’s just the movies.” You said. “If you saw all the merchandise and memorabilia we have, it’d probably put you in credit card debt before you even had a line of credit.” 

Newt laughed again, and you felt your heart stutter. You realized in that moment that you could listen to him laugh forever. The conversation continued on for a while, switching topics every few minutes as you both bounced from thought to thought. 

Just as you were wrapping up a heated rant about how weird of a show Riverdale had become since its first season, which you didn’t have the courage to watch past, everyone came to the decision that it was time to go home before curfew was broken. 

So again, you said your goodbyes to the group and headed home again, this time with Thomas and Teresa, despite wanting to catch a ride with Newt or Gally, considering your step brother’s angry eyes that nearly burned holes into your head the entire way home. 

A single thought repeated in your mind until you escaped to the sanctuary that was your bedroom, the exhaustion of the night ready to take over — you were completely, totally screwed.

series taglist: @heliads @ghostofscarley @badbatch-simp24 @virginia-peters @third-broparcelicito @lamolaine @yes-fangirl-things (open!)

[copperbadge]

Review: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

I am still trying to log my reading more diligently! And this one is the latest. Now there’s a title that makes it tough to recommend to people without a lot of disclaimers. :D

My psychiatrist is a specialist in medication management, and while he does see patients therapeutically, I’m not one of them; he sees me to prescribe ADHD medication and make sure I’m not having side-effects or misusing it. But of course part of the meeting is just chatting so he can gauge my behavior for himself, and in our last meeting we got onto the topic how I haven’t told my parents about my diagnosis because I don’t think any good can come of it. After explaining my somewhat complex relationship to my mother and stepfather, who I love but who also can be difficult, he recommended Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (subtitle: “How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents”) by Lindsay Gibson. 

It’s kind of a shame the book title is so direct, because I think my mother could actually really use to read it, but if you recommend a book like that to your parents it means you also read it and that...does not send a super great message about how you feel about them. 

I did a lot of highlighting.

Although, in the end, not for the reasons one would think. In part, while I recognized parental behaviors described in the book, I also recognized behaviors in myself. About halfway through, especially when Gibson was writing about how emotionally immature parents generally come from emotionally immature parenting themselves, I had to stop and think, “Oh. Maybe this is also me.” Fortunately I’m not a parent nor likely to become one, but it’s still a bit of a hard truth to see yourself in that kind of thing. I’m not much one to cause drama, at least not intentionally, and I try to be a generally good and emotionally supportive friend, but some of the stuff -- shallow emotional affect, difficulty with empathy and intimacy, anxiety surrounding strong emotion and personal relationships -- landed kind of close to home. 

The problem with self-help books and books like this which are on the edge of the self-help genre is that they tend to be written very structurally. They have a specific way of being, which if you’re already part of the way to the conclusions they’re presenting (or familiar with the scammier ones) can be less helpful. For one, because they are aimed at people who tend to be wounded and confused, they lay out whatever they’re discussing in a very systematized way, and human behavior often defies systems. I was seeing aspects of behavior in my parents and myself here and there, but none of us fit into the categories the book lays out. Most people won’t fit precisely, but being an outlier doesn’t really help. 

And, honestly, the case studies that are meant to resonate tended not to, simply because I looked at them and went “Oh, that person was abused. Those behaviors happened to me, but not at that level, and not in those ways.” I struggled too with the “workbook” aspects, where you’re asked to answer specific questions or make a list of things. One of the questions was “I wish people would just ______” where you fill in the blank, and like...I don’t have wishes like that. I’m still trying to figure out what I would even put there. Not stand in front of bus doorways so often? Stop voting Republican? I suspect that’s not what they’re reaching for.   

And when you get a little distance on stuff like the categories and case studies, what you start to see is a book that, like many books in this vein, could be half the length it is. So much of this book is designed to cause a resonance with the reader and then reinforce and reinforce and reinforce that resonance -- there’s a lot of repetition of theme in order to pull someone emotionally further and further into the book, meanwhile not really presenting new information, just the same information framed within a different anecdote. I don’t condemn that; it’s what you have to do to sell the book, and to sell the ideas within it to some people. Otherwise it’s not super publishable, and I get that. But once you see the manipulation going on it’s hard not to react poorly to it. 

A shorter, more informative book wouldn’t necessarily appeal to people who are pulled into the book via those reinforcements, but I started to do a lot of skimming because I knew I could. In that sense it’s a fast read, but I’m sure I missed some information here and there. 

And the real problem is that the solutions presented for how to deal with emotionally immature parents as an adult are all things I was already doing, which after all the emotional build of earlier was quite disappointing. The reason I’m capable of having a pretty positive relationship with my parents is that I know how to handle them without taking too much psychic damage, enough that it’s worth maintaining a relationship, and apparently that’s as good as it’s going to get. There’s a lot healing from the harm inflicted just in those behaviors, but also for anyone wanting to DIY the rest, there’s not much good advice -- it circles back around to “Go to therapy and heal your childhood wounds” which is fine, I guess, but not a super executable solution for me. It reminded me powerfully of reading a book about autism when I was younger; there was a chapter about resources for family members of people with autism, and within that chapter there was one paragraph about siblings. I can give it to you in a sentence: “Asking your neurotypical child to help their autistic sibling is very character-building and will teach them responsibility.” Sure, but could we not dig for something a little deeper?

So, insightful book, potentially very useful if you do have a fraught relationship with your parents, but unfortunately not terribly helpful to me personally. Still, worth getting out of the library. 

[ltwilliammowett]

A midshipman’s workbook with illustrations and a Journal of a Voyage from England Towards Madeira in the Ship Britannia by John Christopher, 1842

The midshipman's workbook is a good example of the Navigation education taught in the classroom and how it is applied on an actual voyage. The following topics are covered; trigonometry, navigation, sailing on the disc, sailing on the traverse, parallel sailing, sailing, mid-latitude sailing, sailing by Mercator, determining the Latitude by observation and so on.

[inkskinned]

you met her, literally, on the floor of the ballroom. the ballroom was also a cafeteria. it was underground, and it felt underground. wet. 

welcome, transfers! on a propped-up sign next to the vegetable plate. you'd been offered a chicken sandwich but declined because you'd worry about having lettuce in your teeth and you were nervous enough already. 

cold nose and sweaty armpits. you had already had the six same conversations - where you had transferred from, what you were studying now, what dorm you were in, what classes you had, where you grew up. the sixth category was when you eventually broke bad and would say something kind of strange, blurt it out due to your anxiety, and then you'd watch the other person sort-of flinch. you considered this topic misc. even you didn't know what would come out of your mouth during that part. it was horrifying.

you were stacking coasters, trying to work up the courage to continue to be normal-you. the self-that-isn't.

she had long hair and she talked first. "i like your coaster pyramid"

"i'm building a house for mice." luminous green, the words from your tired mouth sound immature and ugly. oh my god, you're so fucking awkward. 

"hang on, i gotta go do something," she says, and walks away.

the words on the floor are melting into the stone. they glisten, viscera. you want to hate their approach, but understand how it feels to rot in the stale air. you put the coasters down. you want to slap your hand against your face and drag it down, but that feels dramatic.

you sip your little dixie cup of water. you smile half-heartedly at other people who are walking from group to group. you take a deep breath and say i will be normal. you have never been normal. you once tried to read a workbook called women with adhd but it made you sick to your stomach.

you try normal anyway, just for a few minutes, wandering up to a new table, asking the same questions. feel that heart of yours banging inside of your chest. keep a big bright smile on your stupid face. get the wind knocked out of you, have to pretend you're okay while you walk away. act like you are settled and friendly.

stare at your phone while you amble aimlessly back to your safe little corner.

you almost jump. she's there. she's stacking a new pyramid. there are more coasters than before. 

she doesn't greet you, technically. "mine is a castle," she says. "i'm gonna keep the mice in, like, special parlors, and stuff. your mice can visit if you want."

later, while she's looping her fingers into yours in a casual already-friends way, she'll say: "i think the thing i miss about nobody having cell phones was that. more people should be weird. i like the way your weirdness is showing."

"phones?"

she wrinkles her nose. "nobody likes the idea they might be recorded. nobody just does stuff in earnest anymore, because it's cringe-worthy to be caught just... having fun like we're supposed to."

"you had fun?"

"we learn through play," she says. she drops her hand to your shoulder, steading herself while she bends to shake a rock out of her shoe, "it's like. a human necessity."

"i liked the part where you made the mice get gay married."

she winks at you while she stands up. "people who are weird are my favorite," she says. "it means we all get to be weird together. way less artifice. it's like. kind of funny actually. people are more themselves while they're playing pretend."