#also i am paranoid because i know when i will go in for the surgery i will be knocked out and my whole body will be in their hands and

[lovsome]

i need to vent about SH (tw !!!!!) for a sec in the tags bc i am feeling very overwhelmed sorry

[cicaklah]

being upset about illness things

this is why the good lord invented the cut

I feel like I've fallen back in time two months to when I first got out of hospital. technically, I'm sicker than I was last time. I'm doing what I didn't want to do then, which is taking heavy antibiotics 3x per day, because I get paranoid about taking them too early or late. I know it doesn't really matter, but I just feel so out of control without all the monitoring.

my hospital app updated with my newest blood results and I'm actually still pretty infected. my c-reactive protein was 50 when I went to A&E, then 60, and now 40 and my white blood cells and platelets are still pretty high. I'm sure microbiologists move in mysterious ways but I feel like my own cheerfulness and middle-class bullshit is working against me and I'm not reassured by the number going down because I thought I would have made more progress from the IV drugs. I'm mostly just scared because I suspect I just don't get the right pain signals from my kidney if there's something wrong with it, so I just feel paranoid about getting sepsis again. but also the stupid part of my brain is asking: am I being punished for being too happy after the stent was removed? was my hubrisposting too much? Why did I have to get the rare consequence of surgery? Why is my kidney the one that had to get infected?? Haven't I suffered enough?

I have to go back to work on tuesday, or maybe I don't? I don't have a sick note this time, because I didn't ask for one, because what's the point? I have to work, because I can't live on the UK's statutory sick pay and my family expends all its extra funds on my mother's living costs. being 'the money' is my job and so I'm quite scared by having that stability be threatened. I do still have annual leave, and I can use it, and my project is healthy and my boss is monitoring it, I'm not even doing all that much. I could take a few days, reorganised the cleaners, do some antibiotics, at least get to the point where I feel okay in myself again.

what doesn't help is my mother telling me that because grandma isn't going to go visit her, that grandma gave her £1000 in 'compensation', and also that she has decided she has to have a new tablet RIGHTNOW, and I might be sick and sad and just got out of hospital, I need to tell her which one she has to buy. just, my mother should be better than this. she's been sick for 25 years? I'm struggling with this so much and yet I get bullshit. literally one of my neighbours at the pub was a better help than she was today.

anyway bank holiday tomorrow, and the doctor gave me a prescription for melatonin and so I am going to try and sleep tonight and hope it all feels better in the morning.

[dreamy-love222]

I left this on my brothers desk. I used to always steal his food to binge purge. I felt like I was going to binge purge what my dad left me to eat. So I left all of it on his desk. I am not allowed to go to his room so he will think dad left it.

This is my sorry little bro. I am sorry I ate your food. I hope you forgive me. I am a horrible sister I know. You also have an issue with food and I hear you. You have arfid. You avoid Vegs and fruit like the plague, you only eat meat when it’s cooked a certain way. Pizza. Pasta. gnocchi. Sandwiches. Crepes. Fried chicken… you basically suffer from malnutrition from eating all that crappy food. Idk how you are so thin but I have always been jealous of how you eat so many unhealthy food yet stay at bmi 15 (not exaggerating he’s literally bmi 15i calculated it he’s 10kg heavier than me but also 30cm taller) .

You have so many friends. Your specialties are cool. You literally study how to make movies and do scenarios. You study Japanese in school. You’re thin. You’re attractive. You value living more than studying. You have interesting hobbies like gaming. You were the favourite child, the skinny child, the skinny sibling. While I was being called the weird fat ugly girl that kinda knows how to draw and sing.

Only lately I started having good grades because I am medicated for my adhd. But it’s basically cheating. (Only for me if you have adhd and you take meds you are not cheating at life. You deserve to feel neurotypical and smart because you can finally concentrate)

I wish you didn’t hate my guts, despite the mean things you told me I still love you

I am sorry brother. I failed at being the big sister you needed. Instead you’re stuck with a disgusting ugly fat sister who you are ashamed of calling a sister. You pretend to not know me when you see me downtown when you are with your friends

I hope you become a good producer one day or an editor or someone that writes the most amazing movie scenarios. I know you’re not sure of the exact job you want you just know it’s in the movie making world.

You know grandpa would be so proud of you. You followed your heart.💓

That’s very admirable of you. When I was little I wanted to be a dancer and a singer. But I knew I wouldn’t make it. They are childish dreams and I found my true passion. Learning medicine. One day performing plastic and reconstructive surgery.

I hope my patients see how much I care. How much I want to help. How much I want to be there for them every step of the way.

I’ll be kind. Understanding. Gentle. But firm when I need to. I won’t perform any aesthetic based surgery unless my patient got psychological assessment.

I believe that with plastic surgery and psychological help you can change someone’s life.

It’s like a butterfly effect. The new look/feature if done in a proper/ aesthetic/ harmonious/ natural looking way can really help someone be more confident. Then that confidence translates into them being better at their job, in their social life, in their platonic and romantic relationships.

I want to someday perform surgery for free for the people who really need it, they only have to pay the hospital fee and I wouldn’t be paid. That’s how much I want to help.

I will take on hard cases even if the end result isn’t perfect. I will do my best to help and I won’t care if it doesn’t look perfect on my resume

My dad hates plastic surgeons in our city (that he works with) because they are so paranoid that they will fuck up a case and that it will make them look bad so they don’t even try to help and leave them like that so the responsibility doesn’t fall on them.

I hate doctors like that. You only think of yourselves. You don’t want to help people. You want what makes you look best and most talented.

[gdbatbitch]

Surgery happened on Tuesday! So my thyroid is now gone, along with some suspicious looking lymph nodes. The surgeon, Dr Lawrence Shirley at Baptist Health, was wonderful and has genuine concern for my progress. He told me that what was removed will be examined/tested by a pathologist to see if there may be any other issues, but hopefully this will be all I need to start healing. Hopefully. I'm not saying anything for certain.

The surgery itself was pretty easy on me. The only other time I've had major surgery like this was almost 24 years ago, when my twin daughters were born. That was a much different experience, but I have strong memories of the hospital staff at University of Kentucky hospital, and most of those memories are not positive. I'll just leave it at that. Baptist has been great so far. Everyone I've interacted with has been kind and made me feel like I was being genuinely cared for. Especially the nurse I was assigned Wednesday morning, Cody. He and I had a few conversations about the economy and comic books and movies, and that really helped me stay positive even though I was in pain.

I am still in a lot of pain. Swallowing hurts, as well as turning my head, leaning, bending over, or sitting up in bed. I tried a couple of times this morning before just rolling myself over to the side so I had more leverage to stand. I also apparently talked way too much yesterday because by the end of the day, my voice was all hoarse and that was causing pain as well. So I think today is going to be a quieter day.

I'm also going to be able to take off the bandage on my incision today and see how that goes. I'm kind of dreading that, even though I am curious to see what it looks like. I'm not afraid of having a scar, I have several as it is. It's just I have this weird fear of the incision opening up on its own. That comes from when I was recovering from the C-section and a staple that was holding the incision closed popped. It didn't really cause any problems, but I had nightmares that my guts could just fall out at any moment. Logically I know that's not going to happen, but the gremlins that control my anxiety levels are having a blast making me paranoid.

At this point, I'm at just around a third of the way toward my goal. I've already had to use what I've raised so far to keep the bills paid and pay for part of the surgery. The hospital has put me on an installment plan that will have me paying about $300 a month for 18 months. That is so far outside my budget, so I'm going to be pushing this fundraiser more, and I'd really love it if those of you that have already donated to share this page and encourage your friends to do the same. The more eyes we get on this, the better.

Right now my bank account is looking sad and since I'm missing time from work, my next paycheck is going to be just a little over half of what I usually bring home. It's only the 19th now, but I'm already nervous about being able to make November's rent. And I know things are tight for everyone, so even the smallest donations can make a big difference to me. A $5 donation is just as good as a $500 donation, and I'm grateful for all of them.

I'm grateful for all of you, for all you've done for me, whether it's a donation or words of support or a phone call, all of it. I usually feel like I'm taking on the world all by my lonesome, but I do feel very much supported and cared for thanks to all of you.

Please enjoy my post-op selfie and the grippy socks I absolutely took home with me. I'm wearing them now and I love them. I'm going to be doing nothing but resting today, since I overdid a little yesterday. Later taters.

[buggerzz]

any product recs/stuff that makes ur life easier for a struggling disabled artist ? orz

I dont have much money so i have not bought a lot of things-

With my joint issues, it helps to wear compression stuff. Especially gloves. Trust me. Its worth it.

Generally bracing, i usually do my knees and wrist if needed. If i know im going to be standing or walking a lot, ill brace my knees. (I need to get new knee braces bc the ones i have currently are not doing what they need to)

ARTIST WISE- definitely compression gloves. If u use a tablet they are also good drawing gloves to protect the tablet from oils! If u crochet or knit or craft, theyre very helpful in preventing carpal tunnel aswell!

Always keep note of ur body! "Do my wrists need a break? Is this position ok on my knees? Am i subluxating my shoulder rn????" And other questions about breaks and positioning help me to. I also currently have my tablet and most crafts next to my bed, so if it gets especially bad i can lay down or move. Also nearby my meds lmao. Its also WAY easier to prop up my shoulders, knees, etc. And keep them from hyperextending in bed.

Also also, i have that all set up on a medical table like this. I got mine from my mom after her surgeries, but i reccomend getting a much bigger one because mine is a balancing act. Not good. GET ONE WITH WHEELS!!!! my one also pivots so i dont need to sleep with it over me or mess with it much.

I have a pain chart to assess where im at, if i pass an 8 i take a break or at LEAST grab my heat pad/pain meds.

I also keep water handy!! If i need meds or if im cramping/spasming it helps me to drink water.

Other tips i have are getting a stool to sit on in the shower! A shower chair would be better, but i share my bathroom with 3 other people and also. Money. So i dont have one currently. Also for showers- if it's harder for you to do hygeine because of your physical OR mental state, you can brush your teeth in the shower. Do it before washing, but like. Its better than not brushing, and when thats all you can do, do it. Also also, having something IN the shower to hold on to- sitting or standing, can also help. I have water guards and those have saved my skull TOO MANY TIMES. also showers help my brain and my body! The water temperature can act as an all over heating pad or ice pack and help with pain.

I love showers they are my best friend. Sad? Get in the shower. Hurt? Into the shower!!!

Heat pads help me, other people react well to heat. See if pain meds can help, but i only really take mine when im at an 8-10 because im paranoid about medicines.

Physical therapy ofc, its been helping me a bit. My place is pretty affordable too! Got lucky with that.

The only other thing I recommend is a rolling chair. If you have mobility issues or your knees hurt too bad to walk, but wheelchairs/mobility aids are too expensive, a rolling chair can work in the house. It's hard to go over bumps, but it's possible. My chair is ALSO broken !!! The back broke off because we've had it for 6+ years. Generally stools and chairs are good. Also just recognizing that you can do a decent amount of stuff while sitting helps. Just ,, sit.

Obv actual mobility aids are BETTER, but I dont have access to them so I make do!!!

Food wise, it can be SOO much easier to eat convenience meals (microwave stuff, sandwiches, etc) and if thats all u have to work with, its better than nothing! But i do reccomend having leftovers when you cook. Microwave that and its usually healthier and tastier and just as easy and non-physically taxing.

I also like to work ahead whemever possible. On good days i will prepare EVERYTHING needed for any physically hard task i have coming up. If i need a checklist or tasklist or a bag of items or to find something i lost, ill do that when its easiest.

ANYWAYS THAT WAS LONG. TLDR: rolly chairs, bed tables,compression gloves & other compression stuff, joint braces, topical treatments, pain meds, stools for the shower & other items for shower safety. HEAT PADS /ice packs

Actions: regular physical checkins, sit down more, do pt if possible, roll around the house, shower more, keep water handy, make extra leftovers for later, shower more, do what u can WHEN u can, prop up/support any loose joints with pillows.

[answersfromzestual]

I want phallo so bad. I've dreamt of having both sets of genitals since I learned what genitals were.

But i am so intensely afraid of looking anymore trans than I already do. I can't even confidently wear a packer without fearing someone is going to harass or assault me because I am non binary and even though I try not to look like a "woman" my body is.... so stereotypically "feminine" that I don't know what someone would do if they noticed a bulge in my pants.

Other than the whole "risks of surgery", this I'd a huge reason I'm scared to get phallo. And I'm not sure what to do. Because getting phalloplasty will give me the body I've always dreamed of, but will present me with a new challenge in life that I honestly don't know how to handle as someone who will never pass as someone who "should" have a bulge in their pants...

Okay first, I don't have personal experience in the non binary area. But, I will tell you about when I was not passing and I wore a packer and a binder (idk if you bind or not).

I wore a packer, I always was worried about people feeling it/ touching it. At the time I was not in a trans friendly environment. But I even wore a Stand to Pee packer (STP packer) that allowed me to urinate with my packer. I would avoid bathrooms near my classes most of the time, but use (what I wanted to use) the men's room. Yet in one building I had to use the women's room because I didn't pass. But I was really the only person who would be in the building to use that bathroom. It still stucked, but i was still wearing my packer. I was still called "she/her" while wearing my packer.

It was weird at first, I felt paranoid, but you gain confidence over time. People speak a lot about genitals, but they don't bother to really look. And you can usually buy different sized packers, maybe try a smaller size at first? It is intimidating but there isn't as much bulge as people think, even if you brush by and people touch it (which has happened) they don't know what they touched and whether they did or not they won't say anything. It's just a socially unacceptable thing to bring up, so most people will just move on.

You just be you. Get a packer and try it out, you dont have to wear it everyday if you don't want to. At first try when you're feeling comfortable (at home or to a friends house). You will realize that people actually don't look, or care about genitals as much as you think.

Maybe wearing them with baggy pants at first will help.

I'm not sure if you buy men's pants or women's or both. But men's have space for your genitals that give more space and hide. The zipper makes a bigger buldge to be honest.

If you want to pack I highly suggest men's pants. They have skinny pants and pants that can let's say "imitate" the look of women's jeans but with room for a penis and testicles.

I feel like once you gain confidence wearing a packer you will find it easier to make your decision about phalloplasty.

The nice thing about phalloplasty is you can also pick your own size, many clinics also offer debulking (making your phallis not so thick), and your own size of testicles.

If you are non binary it doesn't matter what is in your pants, people will feel how they will, sadly you can't force them to change if they have negative feelings.

I think being in the trans spectrum we tend to overthink a lot of things, especially revolving around our body parts and genitals.

People dont stare at your crotch, they don't touch it on purpose, someone isn't going to bring up they just touched your genitals, again it's something that we subconsciously find socially unacceptable and awkard to mention and talk about (at least in open company).

Life is like a videogame, if there wasn't any challenges it wouldn't be any fun, or worthwhile.

A new challenge is a new road to pave for those behind you and you to be proud you made.

Also I went to highschool with a cis male who for many people they didn't not know his gender. He looked feminine and talked feminine but had a male name and went by he/him. He was just a gay male. Some people aren't traditionally masculine looking and thats okay. Also there is a condition called Gynecomastia that causes cis men to basically have more chest fat and it seems like they have "breasts".

I think that you should see what life is like wearing a packer, then see how you feel.

I'm sorry if I didn't really help you.

I wish you the best in life, and I believe you will have the body you desire one day.

Stay Golden ✌️ 💙 💜

[oneshortdamnfuse]

My concert journeys are kind of wild, because I’m rarely in good health when I’ve gone to concerts lmao.

tw - some medical discussion

I went to see Fall Out Boy two and a half months after I was in a terrible car accident. I drove the entire two hours away to go see them with my friend. A tourist bus almost ran me off the road on the thruway, too. I was freshly out of physical therapy and my surgical staples had just been removed a couple weeks before. That concert was definitely a challenge, but I’m glad I was able to go. Also they had played Champion with a video about Princess Diana and news about her death as the backdrop? Which was a car accident if y’all didn’t know??? My friend and I were crying a lot, especially because I had listened to that song on repeat during my recovery. It was a lot?!?

I went to see Rob Thomas after I had suffered with gallstones and overall gallbladder failure. Hey, did you know cholecystitis can be as painful as childbirth? Haha, the doctors at the E.R. thought I was just having a panic attack even though it felt like my chest was being crushed. Anyways, almost a year later I was properly diagnosed. My gallbladder was taken out weeks before the concert. Again, I was the only one driving my friend and I to the concert venue but thankfully it was close to home. One of my glued up sutures from the surgery came undone. I had to cover it up with a bandage and pray that it just closed on its own. It wasn’t a complete dehiscence, but I was paranoid it would split open further and I spent the entire night gripping my side.

The first time I saw Ghost (and Nothing More), my friend didn’t want to go with me because she didn’t really know the band yet. I had gotten sick that September with a cold, and the concert was in October. I developed severe bronchitis like I always do. The concert was in the middle of the damn week, so I not only had work the next day but I was working on my Master’s degree then. The concert was indoors but it was raining that night and we were all lined up outside down a few blocks for bag check. I barely had a voice, but I sang along to both Nothing More and Ghost throughout the night and I could barely talk after. I teach for a living so that was hard lol

And now… I recently saw Ghost and Amon Amarth after being sick for weeks. My infection had gone but I had bronchitis (again, haha!) Not only that, but I was the driver for my friend and I again. And because everything happens to me all the time, months ago my car was in another accident when a guy hit me on the highway so I had waited months to get it fixed before the concert. I got it fixed just in time, and then I popped my tire a couple days before the damn concert. I got it fixed in time, but it rained the entire time at the concert which was outdoors. I lost my voice again, and I’ve since been suffering with my inflamed lungs.

Anyways, I AM CURSED to be sick and/or injured and/or my car gets fucked up anytime I have a concert to go to. This doesn’t happen to me when I go to free concerts. No. Only the concerts I spend money on that I’ve been waiting a long time to see. Don’t regret going to any of these concerts, though!

[cagedchoices]

RELATIONSHIP META - CALEB & UWADE

In canon, Caleb first met Uwade while he was recovering in the hospital following surgery for a near-fatal gunshot wound to his abdomen. I've estimated the time he spent comatose to be about 5 weeks max, but it's possible it was a bit less than that. In a memory Caleb has during Fidelity, we learn that Uwade was the first person who saw him after he woke up and she checked over his vital signs. She began to flirt with him and from there they eventually fell in love.

Given what context we have, I headcanon that Uwade got pregnant before they were married and then Caleb married her once they found out they were expecting. It's the most logical explanation I can see for why their last conversation together happened the way it did.

We don't know anything about Caleb's father so I kinda just assume he was never in the picture and that it's a source of insecurity for Caleb because there's always going to be a what-if question that can't be answered; What if he's just like that? As well as he gets another dose of that same insecurity because his mom was mentally ill and abandoned and forgot about him, and there's the fear of what if he winds up doing the same thing to Frankie?

UWADE: So you're leaving. CALEB: Only for a little while. UWADE: You promised you'd be a father. CALEB: I am one... Everything I do is for you...and for Frankie. UWADE: You're gonna get yourself killed. CALEB: Hey, I will come back to you. I promise.

There also seemed like there was a touch of maybe-jealousy from Uwade toward Maeve, just in the way that Uwade was watching her from the bedroom window while Maeve was loading her SUV and getting ready to leave. She already knew that Caleb would jump at the chance to team up with Maeve again and go fight.

Uwade doesn't understand Caleb's trauma struggles. Her approach to helping him manage his PTSD is basically just to tell him move on and stop worrying, and that's the most un-constructive advice you could ever give to a trauma survivor. She treats it like he doesn't have anything to be depressed or anxious about solely because he has a family, a house and a job and it should be enough. She also calls him paranoid, and acts like he is consciously choosing to stay traumatized.

In the past, Caleb was often told he needed to move on without ever actually being given the tools or the freedom to actually learn how to move on and genuinely heal, because by design he wasn't supposed to. He was in a therapy program that insisted the goal was getting him to move on, but they never actually did anything other than tell him "you gotta move on."

Caleb's instinctive response to that is to sort of shut down and refuse to talk about it any further. There's no point. No one really understands except for others who have seen war up close and personal. And that was the purpose in isolating him further and further until the system predicted there would come a point where that feeling of hopelessness would reach its absolute limit and he would take his own life because of it.

When Caleb first leaves, Uwade definitely seems to feel resentful toward him specifically, such as when she found Frankie using the radio to try and make contact with him.

UWADE: Frankie, what are you doing out here? I told you we need to go back and pack. FRANKIE: I'm trying to reach Dad. UWADE: Come on, let's go inside. FRANKIE: No. I'm staying. UWADE: Carver, do you mind helping me bring some of this stuff back inside?

She didn't really acknowledge Frankie's explanation or her feelings of concern, she just went to picking stuff up, starting with Frankie's teddy bear. Later on, Frankie's sitting out on the patio and sulking, and Uwade again kind of ignores her concerns.

FRANKIE: I don't wanna go with him. I want daddy. UWADE: I know, but your father can't be here right now. So he sent Carver to help. FRANKIE: He got Bear-Bear dirty. UWADE: Fine. If you won't pack your things, then I will.

After Frankie discovers that the real Carver has been murdered and replaced by a host copy and alerts her mom with proof, this attitude changes drastically, and Uwade steps up for Caleb in a huge way.

She becomes the leader of the resistance and makes it her mission to free as many outliers as she can from Hale's world before they're hunted and killed.

UWADE: You were so brave today. You reminded me of your father. He really would've been proud. FRANKIE: It's almost time. UWADE: Go. Tell him I love him.

She doesn't ignore or invalidate Frankie's feelings this time, she tells her that she is so much like her father and that Caleb would've been so proud of her if he was around. She lets Frankie try to establish radio communications with him, even though I think she figures he had to have been killed to be kept away from them for so long.

For Caleb, when Frankie tells him what happened to Uwade, it's a harsh blow for his cognition and it threatens to destabilize him even faster than he's already breaking down. His hands are shaking so badly he's having trouble threading a needle.

FRANKIE: You can ask, you know. CALEB: Ask about what? FRANKIE. Mom... Cancer. Wouldn't have mattered even if you had made it back. She hung in there for as long as she could... She had a mission. Everyone that wasn't infected, or who woke up and got out, owes that to mom. She carried your torch. CALEB: Your mother was...extraordinary. FRANKIE: So were you.

But then he's able to center himself using the love he has for his family. Uwade may be long gone physically, but her memory lives on through his own recollection and more importantly, through Frankie.

[jess-frances-b]

I'm not really sure what I am.

I've been thinking a lot recently about my body hair, and how it relates to my gender. I have trouble keeping up with shaving my legs because it grows back very fast and thick and that makes me go through a lot of razors, and I get a lot of ingrown hairs from shaving as well, so I stopped bothering, and haven't even bothered to shave my arms. Thankfully no one at the swimming pool has said anything about it, but I worry about summer, but then I don't want to expose too much of my skin to the sun anyway because I'm paranoid about getting more freckles and moles that could turn out to be skin cancer. I like to stim by brushing my fingers against the hairs on the sides of my chin. I don't like the black hairs that grow on my neck, though, that's the only problem I really have. I also think that I have PCOS, which is why I have excessive body hair, but even if I managed to get that treated, would it really stop it from growing so fast?

I also find that when I'm undressing and looking at my back in the mirror to look at the big mole on my back and make sure it hasn't changed, I feel something, but I don't know how to describe it. I mean, being topless, but not in a feminine way, and somehow it feels good.

But I don't really want to be a man. I don't want to use masculine pronouns or have a full beard, and I don't really want to have surgery unless I end up getting breast cancer that's aggressive enough for it to be necessary. I still dress mostly feminine, I like going by both feminine and gender-neutral pronouns, I like being called Jess, but then there are masculine parts to me as well, such as me not minding my Mum calling me Jeff or Jeffrey as nicknames, or my sibling calling me "Uncle Jess" when talking to their rats. I've identified as a demigirl for a while, because I think I'm still partially female, but I might end up changing that to demigender since it's a more gender-neutral term.

Or maybe just nonbinary. I think I am somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum. I'm not sure if I could call myself genderfluid if I don't want to identify as male in any way, it's more that I take a few things from that but not everything. I guess it's sort of like taking the cucumbers and tomatoes from a salad but leaving behind the lettuce, and you can't really call what you've taken a salad. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.

[gendereuphoriaa]

okay so i'm going on a hiking trip on sunday and it's really shaken things all up... well also my biological mum showing up at my door a month ago for the first time in 3 years... welllll also halving my propranalol dose and not realising that would give me withdrawals... and then being sweaty and paranoid for days...

i'm applying for my US passport... i think... i filled out the application with an F marker... not sure how i feel about it... i'm a bit scared... like what if i can't travel to eastern europe anymore... like not that i want to anyway but like it's nice to have it as an option... that hypothetical trip to nigeria is out the window now... like i prob could technically still go to some of these places somehow? but yeah that's what's going through my head rn... that i won't be able to travel through like poland pretending to be a cis straight guy with a binder on my tits anymore... although with lower surgery approaching it's all gonna show up on the scanner anyway...

it feels irreversible... even though i guess i could probably just change my gender on my passport back somehow... but it would involve some pretty rough fucked up admin/ processing... i think i want to get my US passport before trump gets back in... cos atm you can self identify... i can't get an X marker because it also has to match my british passport and the british passport has to be M or F...

like tbh i'm fucked either way being trans... there's no real choice that is entirely un-risky... like if i show up at an airport with an M marker but tits and a fanny in fuckin poland they're gonna be cunts about it... and if i show up with an F marker they're gonna be cunts about it...

i guess rn i'm grappling with/ grieving i suppose that loss of the feeling i can travel anywhere around the world... like as a white man you often more or less just can do that... especially if youre straight and cis... i'm not totally sure where i can travel in the US either... like yeahhh... not ideal being 6'8" either like i'm not really very stealthy. although i am slim so i can kinda slither through security i guess...

i'm probably gonna do it no matter what and then if i ever do want to go on a trip to fuckin russia or north korea or some shit then i will have to figure that out when the time comes...

i really REALLY want my actual name on my interrail pass this summer... and honestly at this point i may as well just commit go full hog with this thing... cos in order to get the F on british passport i have to also get it on US passport...

so yeahhhhh... i have a passport photo booked at a studio on thursday to get my UK and US passport photos done... i have the US application form like 95% filled in and also already paid for... so my plan is to send it off on thursday... and then it takes 3 weeks ish turnaround assuming there are no issues this time... and then when that arrives i'll then be able to send off for UK passport... prob will do expedited delivery... so that THEN i can get an interrail pass in my legal name...

these are stressful times... but also there are awesome parts to just having my passports and all my documents not just deadname me all the time... and then having a cute photo and F marker just means travel feels a lot more nice and soft and gooey... and ya know what maybe that trip to poland will just have to wait... or maybe it will happen anyway! not sure how...

yeah fuck it i'm doing it hehehehehehe... will just have to deal with the consequences later... c'est la vie...

[timeoverload]

This week has not been good at all. I was ok this morning but now I'm feeling enraged. I haven't been this angry in a long time.

Today was just as chaotic as I was anticipating. The morning team lead pissed me off because he was trying to tell me I can't work so much overtime. That's not his job to tell me that and my hours are none of his business. That's between me, my boss, and the director. I don't know who he expects to do my job when no one else is trained. He still hasn't learned and he's always telling me he will and that he wants other people to learn. He hasn't done anything about it and nothing is changing. He is too busy getting angry about every little thing and throwing tantrums. Obviously I don't want to work that much overtime but I don't have a choice. I have overtime almost every week but no one cares. They just expect that from me. The director also said he would help me out but he is too busy doing other things. I am so fucking tired of people walking all over me.

I was missing a 25g cannula out of a pan earlier. I didn't notice it yesterday even though I have been trying so hard to triple check everything. I was afraid to tell the coordinator because I thought she was going to be mad at me. I think she was a little irritated but it wasn't a huge deal. I looked in the closet to see if I had peel packed any recently and there were 3 from 2 days ago so it's possible that I had accidentally taken it out at some point . I'm not sure because apparently no one is keeping an inventory of everything in the closet. I am so annoyed about it. I was so busy today so I hope I didn't fuck anything else up.

One of the eye patients had bed bugs and they were cleared to have surgery anyway. I was so upset because they don't pay me enough to deal with that shit. I guess I have a phobia of certain bugs ever since I had to live in infested places. I was so paranoid when I had to clean the instruments they used. I had to gown up completely and put on my rain boots I used to wear for decontam. I had to wear 2 hats and I felt ridiculous. I had to clean my ultrasonic and wipe stuff down and then I had to set everything up again. I don't like doing that when I'm super busy. I had to go change my scrubs after that. It felt like my skin was crawling the rest of the day. I took a shower immediately when I got home.

I'm also irritated because there are so many sick people at work and they are forced to go in or risk being fired. There are 2 people in my department with the flu. One of them had to stay at work and try to hide the fact that they are sick so they don't get sent home and get fired. They looked like they felt terrible. I wore my mask all day and I washed my hands as much as I could. I hate our sick policy. There are so many stupid policies. I really don't want to get sick right now. I don't have any sick days either. I also don't have much vacation time since I had to leave work a couple weeks ago.

I guess I'm glad I got to leave on time. I was able to get out of staying for the add-on because I had overtime already. The patient wasn't even in town so the case wasn't going to start until like 7.

I did get some beer after work because I think I earned it. I didn't get that much because I'm not trying to drink all the time. I don't like doing that anymore.

My body also hurts a lot and I didn't take any medicine today. I'm sure that's part of the reason I'm crabby. I didn't eat any lunch either because every Thursday is nasty sandwich day. I'm going to have to make food eventually.

I'm also frustrated because I don't know what you're doing?!?!?!?! If you're too scared to surprise me in person, then why don't you just send me a message on tumblr??? We could meet somewhere instead??? I don't know what to do. I already messaged you once but you lied to me so I blocked you because I was pissed off but I decided to unblock you anyway. I already know you have sent me anonymous messages so I don't understand what the difference is??? I don't need you to get me flowers or anything fancy, I just want to see you! You could show up to my house in your pajamas and it wouldn't bother me. In my mind we are already married but you are being stubborn as hell right now. You keep saying you will do things but you haven't yet. I love you with all my heart but you are torturing me at the moment. I don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Honestly I probably won't even have another beer tonight and I will probably make something to eat and go to bed. I'm really not in the mood to spend 4 or 5 hours on tumblr tonight so there will be no more queued posts until I feel better. I'm sorry, I lose so much sleep because I'm on this damn website. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

[bl6ckr0s3]

Thinking Deeply

I sometimes truly question whether I am making another mistake putting my faith & trust into Joshua. He clearly tells me that he doesn't want to be like my exes where he will be just another story to tell another guy. I said that I sincerely doubt that would be the case. When he constantly questions me about leaving or having doubts about this relationship, his reason would be that he wants to make sure that I know what I want. I would usually feel like he doesn't have faith in my love for him, or he just clearly is paranoid and always fearing that he knows his mistakes can push me away to leave him. I said that's a possibility if he means to destroy my life.

If I worked hard for something for a long time and you expect me to just give up my job and leaving my family for your sake of chasing your dream, you better damn well that I'm not gonna regret doing it because I don't want to throw away the good things in my life for him and end up being in a worst place because of that choice if he doesn't do anything good for the both of us. I begged God Almighty to give me some answers about where me and Joshua's future is going, whether us moving to Tennessee is really going to be better for our future? Whether making this sacrifice of leaving my son is going to be worth it in the long run and if leaving my family is only temporary? Sometimes there are just empty promises.

From all I been seeing with Joshua is failure after failure. He can't save any money, he can't keep a regular job, he can't pay his bills, he is on the brink of losing his car that his mom helped co-sign to even get the car that he barely can afford maintenance or even afford to keep it registered or insured. He owes so many people money that it's not even funny. He's lucky that he has come this far with the amount of people that were nice enough to help him. Some people have came back to him expecting to be paid back already, but he still doesn't have the money to pay them back because he's still fuckin broke or too focus on paying the people in the music scene off rather than the people he owes money for a long time off instead. I begged God Almighty that if this is truly a mistake and that if Joshua is going to destroy or ruin my life, that I don't want to continue this relationship further down the road.

I made a lot of sacrifices for Joshua. I cancelled and stop my tube tying surgery right when we were starting to date. I was about to just tie my tubes and not worry about getting pregnant by the wrong man again. I attended and became the member of the Iglesia Ni Cristo church so that he wouldn't have to worry about dating a non-member of the church & risk being expelled. Now he hardly even attends church and so have I because of all the stress and bullshit he has been putting me through. I told him the last thing I want is to be homeless. What does he do? He abandons helping with our apartment, but he's selfish mainly. He seems to only think of himself sometimes. He asked me why I never told him about how I felt about Beck Park Apartments when we first came to look at the place. He said he seem to set on just wanting to move here to Los Angeles in his own apartment already. We only had the place for 7 months and we already lost the place because we couldn't even pay the rent on time since we moved here. We were always paying late rent. The only time we didn't was when we first put the deposit down for the place and I had extra money in my bank from my tsp savings retirement. Now I'm trying to pay back part of my retirement. The money was also used for his music production which was gone just like that. He is very stubborn. If he doesn't get what he wants, I will continue to suffer with him unless I make a sad choice to leave him before he destroys my life.

I only now hope to God that that's not going to be the answer because I love Joshua so much, I am deeply in love with him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. If he can't get his shit together, how am I going to survive or live? Josh's sensei told him that he shouldn't even be getting with a woman if he's doing what he's doing because he's only gonna drag her down with him. His cousin Nicole said the same thing. That it isn't right that he's gonna drag me down to this condition to have me sleep in the car because we lost our home because of his irresponsibility.

[oneshotnewbie]

Amelias little sisters abusive ex shows up at the hospital.

A/N: I posted an Alternative to this request below this one because I had two ideas to this. Hope you like them ♥

---

You had the first half of your working day successfully behind you. After three patients who were admitted to the emergency room because of a car accident and one whom you performed an emergency operation that took several hours you were now hoping for a great lunch with your friends that you really deserved.

"Did the man survive?" asked Amelia both, Meredith and you, while you both walked down the stairs with your lunch and she joined you. The blonde and you managed to stabilize him and repair the injuries, but they were critical; he just had to wake up and get through the next 24 hours. "Barely. Bowel was perforated, spleen was ruptured and a broken rib pierced his lungs. It was close, but he survived."

"Nice work, little sister!" she exclaimed while giving you a nudge in the other direction, smiling and proud. Thankfully Meredith cushioned your tumble with her own body and you walked further down the stairs laughing as you met Maggie, who also wanted to have lunch with you.

Together you walked outside and looked for a place in the warm sun.

While you were enjoying your lunch and chatting about all sorts of topics and current surgeries, you began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. It was like your body was reacting to something you hadn't realized yet. Almost paranoid, you turned around in all different directions and looked around, not without the others noticing.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Maggie muttered while she was still chewing on her food and you turned your head to her. Even when you tried to appear normal, your eyes and entire face spoke volumes.

In your eyes the shine had been exchanged for fear and your rosy complexion was suddenly very pale. Your lips no longer radiated a smile but rather a straight line and the others could see that you were nervously chewing on the inner surfaces of your cheeks. "I don't know."

Your gaze went around you once more as your eyes focused on a man standing by a tree, looking at you. Amelia trailed your gaze and got stuck on the guy as well. Her fork fell into the lettuce she had in front of her and her jaw dropped down. "Oh no," she uttered and immediately turned back to her sisters. "Maggie, take Y/N to the hospital right now and don't leave her side. Hurry up."

The black haired one looked questioningly between all three before she got up and put her hands on your shoulders to pull you away from where you stood. However, you shrugged your shoulders away, your gaze not deviating from him. "Sweetheart, come on."

"No, I won't go." you stuttered, already noticing the fear in your trembling voice.

"Y/N, you are leaving now. Immediately." Meredith now interfered and looked at you urgently, but you didn't buckle. You were fed up with running away. "No. I won't hide every time and especially not in my own territory. I am not afraid of him anymore."

He pushed himself out of his position and walked slowly in your direction while your eyes kept turning down to his hands. He had clenched them in fists, the knuckled were already turning white and your heart was starting to beat faster and more irregularly.

It was like a trauma response when suddenly ever single moment in which he had hurt you shot through your head. It was like a bad movie that you couldn't quit and that you had to watch until the end.

"Maggie, we're going to need help in a minute. Get the security." commanded Amelia in a harsh tone as Meredith and her set off in front of you; like a kind of protective wall to create enough space between him and you.

She knew how aggressive he was and therefore she also knew that with her anger she had built up for him over all these months, she couldn't get very far and make it even worse. He was a muscular guy with more weight on his ribs than the three of you put together. If she reacted wrongly now, he would hurt you again. And she wanted to prevent that.

"What are you looking for here?"

"Calm down, I just want to talk to your sister." He replied to the brunettes question as he cocked his head to one side, looking at you grinning.

You weren't sure about your decision to stay here anymore. You stood there, huddled and trembling, your arms crossed under your chest, your gaze blurred from all the tears that were gathering in your eyes. "Go," you whispered and winced when he moved even a little to the side. "I said go. Get out of my damn life and fuck off!"

Not only were you amazed at your strength to show him the cold shoulder but also the two woman who stood in front of you.

The only one who wasn't convinced was your ex boyfriend. He bit his lip and his eyes filled with exactly the same anger as then. His face turned blood red and you could already see the steam fume from his ears.

"What did you bitch say?" he snapped before he wanted to pounce on you. You let out a scream and turned away, hiding behind Meredith while the two tried to keep him away from you.

You were already waiting for the blows and the rumbling, but when you heard his screams and scolding further and further in the distance, you opened your eyes to see how he was carried away by the security men and how Bailey, Maggie and Hunt were already standing around you.

Relieved you fell on the street floor and let your feelings run free. While the others were shielding you from the unwanted audience, Amelia had joined you.

Her arms wrapped around your entire shaking figure and her chin rested on your head. With soothing and gentle touches on your back she gave you the signal that it was all over; like she did every time you had a bad day. You were in trance, your ears didn't perceive any sounds from your surroundings and you had absolutely no control over your body.

You were trapped in this like a prisoner in your own soul.

You whined, you winced and flinched, you cried and you hit her unintentionally. But she stood firm and still held you tight in her arms, not even thinking for a second about letting go or leaving you alone.

Her heart burned with pain and her body struggled with the infinite anger she had.

It wasn't easy and it wouldn't be anytime soon, old wounds had been torn open again, which she had patched up with great effort. She had to hold back her tears to be strong for you, even if it tore her inside but she was proud of you.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 18, 2021 1:00 p.m. department of rheumatology, room 414

[grant] please tell me this is a temporary flare. i really don't know if i can go back to the way things were before i got diagnosed. i'm probably being paranoid and traumatized by last year's events but...i just feel back to square one. like i can barely stand up it's so bad.

[alisa] i completely understand the concern! you finally have the keys to get things managed after having uncontrolled symptoms since you were a child. of course you don't want to lose progress. we'll get to the conversation around disease progression but i promise you i will treat this now. easiest and best way to get you feeling better in just a week or two is oral steroids. you know the drill: suppress the immune reactions and the manifestations go away.

[grant] they make me feel terrible but i'm kind of desperate and beggars can't be choosers. i'll take whatever you give me.

[alisa] temporary side effects are better than suffering unmitigated for a long time, especially since you are doing so well on a biologic. why risk letting this go on when you can treat it?

[alisa] you're also welcome to take NSAIDs like aspirin for the anti-inflammatory properties and pain relief but...

[grant] ahh, you know, i would, just...well, i don't like...um, i don't feel comfortable with pain medication.

[alisa] oh, i understand. i'm not in the business of forcing them. they are helpful for autoimmune disorders but i do know that you are, um...how do i say this?

[grant] you can tell i used to be an addict?

[alisa] well, it's not like you admitted to it on any of your paperwork, but there is a pretty curious note in your chart from a surgeon that says you completely refused any pain medication after serious invasive spinal surgery...which is...

[grant] damning evidence?

[alisa] let's just say you'd need a very strong reason to refuse in that situation.

[grant] first of all, um, i am really sorry for not being honest about it. it's just embarrassing. for the record, totally don't recommend having spinal surgery without meds because it almost killed me and that was the last time i had something this bad going on with my eyes from stress. but um, same reason i don't want over the counter stuff right now. it's not a good idea. i got into all that because i was in pain and i really don't want that to be my solution...or my death.

[alisa] oh, no, no, i absolutely respect you for sticking to your sobriety. anyway, i really shouldn't have brought it up because short-term steroids for a flare is a better solution and you're already on the best long-term treatment and that's a biologic. you know, a disease inhibitor. for you, that's humira.

[alisa] besides that, you are supposed to have yearly x-rays and bloodwork in september. keep the appointment but we'll go through all that today as well. let's see how things look internally now.

[grant] i know i kind of asked you the same question a minute ago but do you think, even if this is temporary, that it might be active disease progression?

[alisa] this is the first time you've had a flare up since starting humira, right?

[grant] uhh, yes! it is, actually. thankfully.

[alisa] then i have hope you're not getting worse and this is just connected to stress like you said. i won't make an uninformed guess about what's going on since your last x-rays were the diagnostic images when you were diagnosed last june at...oh wow, cedars sinai in los angeles. long way from home, huh?

[grant] oh, yeah. i was living and working there at the time.

[alisa] but the evidence i do have is this. you started the medication in september when you were being treated in sault ste. marie. by the time you came to see me here in january, you were already seeing some symptom relief and no flare ups. and let's see, back when you were seeking a diagnosis, you were having significant symptoms, increasingly poor quality of life, and you needed extensive surgery from herniated disks and adjacent spinal cord issues...

[alisa] outside of today, how similarly do you feel today as you did then?

[grant] i mean...things are better. a lot better. i still have pain every day and limitations but my quality of life is definitely at least good. i kind of feel more like my old self and like treatment is working.

[alisa] exactly. this being the first time you've come to see me outside of normal check-ups bodes well for you. and to be honest, for a variety of reasons, you have a very aggressive disease manifestation. to be your age, not even thirty, and to this early on in life have really extensive spinal fusion from the disease...you know what i mean? half your spine has already fused itself together. if it were progressing at the same pace, you should hypothetically feel the same or worse and you should be suffering from similar problems as last year.

[alisa] whatever is going on internally we'll see in imaging, but if it means anything to you, i am at least confident that you're doing very well, even with this current flare up. i hate that i can't reverse the damage that's already been done or ever cure you, but i feel like we're making good progress and i feel hopeful that'll prove itself through physical evidence. if it doesn't, the fact that you say you have better quality of life on a normal day is great. any improvement is a good thing.

[drabbles-mc]

Tay. TAY. I have been laughing to myself for the last 20 minutes.

Imagine SOA/Mayans coming out of dental surgery. Especially if it was more than one at a time. The chaos. The blackmail tapes. The tears and panic.

I cannot stop laughing.

This is the kind of humor I needed today. My desperately sleep-deprived ass had too much fun thinking about this 😂

Okay but you know that the SOA boys would have multiple of them schedule appointments at once. Figuring if they designate one babysitter to look after all of them, it would go fine and they wouldn't have to deal with the chaos multiple times. Just trying to get it all wrapped up quickly.

Juice would get chosen as the babysitter because he is on the bottom of the totem pole and they like to see him suffer. Plus I feel like, realistically, he's the only one of the guys besides Chibs who would have the slightest clue as to how to deal with the situation. And Chibs would only show up to videotape and instigate everyone in their drugged up state.

Tig on painkillers is hardly distinguishable from Tig not on painkillers. But he laughs a lot more. A. Lot. More. At everything. And he shouldn't because of the gauze and the blood. But any time that Juice tries to tell him that, he just laughs harder. Chibs briefly wonders if knocking him out is the correct solution to the problem. It's not. But he thinks about it.

Jax would go from amused to paranoid so fast. It's all fun and games until he starts to freak out because he thinks that someone stole his teeth. Juice is used to dealing with people who are having a bad trip, but Jax is truly something else when he's caught up in his own delusions. Does he try to fight Juice and accuse him of being the one who stole his teeth? Absolutely! But Juice refuses to get a black eye while on babysitting duty.

Opie is part of Chibs's two-man blackmail crew. Having that kind of dirt not only on the guys who are spinning out, but also on Juice, who is floundering to keep them all under control like someone who is herding cats?? He would gladly fill an entire phone's worth of memory space with those photos and videos. Juice pleads for his help, especially with Jax, but Opie just shakes his head, suppressing his smile until Juice turns around.

I'm just picturing Piney with his oxygen in his nose and gauze in his mouth and I am. Weak. He would still be grumpy even when he's high as a kite. Someone tries to help him with literally anything and he's swinging on them saying, "Don't fucking touch me," but you can barely understand what he's saying. Because of the gauze. Somehow he's scarier that way.

Happy is still as a fucking statue. We're talking about a man who hasn't taken aspirin since he was a child now maxed out on meds from dental surgery. Everyone was hoping it would lighten him up, but it definitely just zoned him out. It was the most peaceful he'd ever been, but he still had RBF so it was mildly terrifying to look at and try to talk to. It was the nicest that he'd ever been to Juice, though, on account of the not talking.

I'm just picturing Juice losing his mind, saying he's going to call Chucky for reinforcements, and Chibs smacks the phone out of his hands. "No fuckin' way. Jax can't handle seeing that man's hands right now."

The Mayans boys. Oh. I just. That clubhouse would be a goddamn zoo if a bunch of them got brought back there high on painkillers. I love it.

Bishop is high as a goddamn kite. Happy as a fucking clam. He just watches the mess unfold around him with a smile on his face. Will he remember it and be mad about it all later when he comes out of his daze? Who knows! Not him. It's the only time anyone has ever seen him anything close to mellow. They didn't think that Bishop Losa was capable of giggling, but there he was.

Angel is the biggest crybaby. I will not be taking criticism on that. All those emotions he tries to keep bottled up come out, but over the weirdest shit. He tried to pet one of the junkyard cats on his way to the clubhouse and it ran away and that shattered him for the next two hours. He's laying on top of the pool table, practically sobbing, which isn't helpful for anything about his current situation.

Gilly feels great. He forgets that he had any work done, disregards the insane amount of gauze in his mouth, and makes it his mission to cause as much havoc as possible. Convinced that he's invincible. Tries to prove it in an attempt to climb up onto the pol table where Angel is laying and weeping, but Angel shoves him away. Which is probably for the best.

Creeper, the only one who didn't take the painkillers, is just trying to survive the agony surrounded by the rest of the idiots in the club. 100% locks himself in Templo to ride it out, and I respect that.

Coco is kind of like Tig in that it's a little difficult to tell the difference between him high and him sober. But instead of giggly, he's talkative. Did anyone ask him for his opinions on everything? No. But is he going to give them anyway? Yes. No amount of chastising him for fucking up all the shit in his mouth will stop him. The world just needs to know these things. It's up to him to tell everyone.

Taza was supposed to be the babysitter but he knew it was going to be a fucking mess. Which is why he just locked them all in the clubhouse together. He took out all the knives and guns ahead of time. It's the most child-proof the clubhouse has ever been.

EZ offered to help because he knows how Angel gets. He shows up and is about to head to the clubhouse, but Taza stops him. They can both hear the ruckus but Taza just shakes his head. EZ might be the prospect but Taza isn't going to be that mean. But EZ totally pops in and out to check and make sure everyone is alive. He's also the one who takes pictures and videos, because even though he's not going to forget, he wants all of them to know what happened.

Cricket I am. Thriving because of this. Thank you 😂

[nightlight-stardust-and-rain]

Inazuma eleven fanfic idea!

So basically this begins in Inazuma eleven Go. As we know, Kidou and Fudou are both part of the resistance against the fifth sector.

The basis of this AU is that at some point something goes very very wrong, like the people-die kind of wrong.

Kidou and Fudou, as two of the only people left standing and also certainly the most equipped to fight against the fifth sector, decide to go back in time (I would have said that it was weird for a soccer Anime, but time travel is literally canon). They find a way to transfer their consciousness into their younger bodies (because transporting themselves across time would be very inconvenient).

They end up wildly overshooting it, and instead of ending up a few years before the fifth sector appears, they end up as children, a few hours away from meeting each other.

The main issue with that is that at this moment, Fudou is still working with Kageyama and Kidou's friends are still being manipulated by this asshole.

They don't really mind, better too early than too late. Managing to travel back in time and still being too late to stop the fifth sector, that would have been awful.

Fudou is also a bit happy that he will be able to correct his atrocious first impression on the team. After all, it's harder for people to hate you if they've never seen you in your demented power-hungry phase.

They decide to deal with the problem at hand first (namely the "aliens") and decide what to do about the fifth sector after that.

Snippets, because I am unable to write a coherent plot.

Obviously, Fudou and Kidou are dating, because this is me, and I ship them. Also the incident with the fifth sector that made them go back in time may have left a few scars, in the sense that they are vaguely paranoid, a bit codependent, and will go apeshit on anyone who hurts the other.

Fudou is trans and does not fucking appreciates being back to his pre-surgery body. This is not good and he hates it, but hey, better alive and dysphoric than dead.

They call each other by their first name and are sort of... Very intimate with each other so it was weird when they "met" the first time. Like they're both private people who aren't very into pda but the way they exist around each other gives off very married couple vibes, so it's weird for the inazuma team whne they meet Fudou and realize that Kidou is Super Familiar with this stranger.

After they get rid of the fifth sector (or stop it from existing altogether), Fudou plans to find the kids from his old team (resistance Japan) to be sure they're alright, because they were all disasters of the highest order (himself included) but he came to love those little shits and wants to be sure they have a good life. One of the most interesting consequences of this decision is Fudou finding out that even without the fifth sector, Hakuryuu has a crappy life, and deciding on the spot that he's going to adopt him.

(Hakuryuu growing up with Fudou and Kidou as his dads gives some interesting results, especially given that he came as a package deal with Shuu, who was also adopted by Fudou and Kidou, because who the fuck cares if this kid is a ghost he deserves a loving family)

Fighting the aliea (how is it written??) academy is an interesting experience because. On one hand, they both already went through this. On the other hand, their adult selves are friends with some of those "aliens". Fudou was pretty close to Nagumo and Suzuno in particular (this is a personal headcanon of mine). Given that in this time-line, he joins the team right after meeting them, he gets to witness Nagumo's whole infiltration attempt, and it's incredible. He records everything just so he can show it to Nagumo ten years later and mock him over how dramatic he was (Fudou actually films quite a bit of the whole adventure, and showing the ex-aliea videos of them acting as if they were legit aliens becomes the inazuma equivalent of embarrassing your friends with videos of their emo phase).

When I say that the team is surprised by their closeness, I mean that they do the whole holding hands and calling each other by their first names the very istant they "meet". Pretending to not know each other because they have no way to have met before didn't even cross their minds (they make up a hasty story about being internet friends).

When Fudou comes back, he has the aliea stone on him. Trying to get rid of it is surprisingly difficult, as its effects are addictive and while his mind is clear, his body of this time is hooked. Kidou helps :)

They manage fairly easily to stop the birth of the fifth sector, given the amount of foreknowledge they have (and Kidou's connections). It's in fact surprisingly easy, and that makes them twice as paranoid for a while.

They force everyone on the team to go to therapy, themselves included, because fucking everyone needs it.

They sort of become the team mom and dad, mostly because they're much older than the others and decided a long time ago that their team had suffered enough and deserved to just play soccer for fun.

Obviously I'm still a sucker for outsider pov so I'd just really love a rewriting of the scene where Fudou appears, except this time instead of antagonizing the team he just plops down next to Kidou, laces their fingers together, and goes "hi yuuto, did you miss me?" and the team is reeling from the shock of Kidou allowing a stranger to call him by his first name and touch him like that, and then they get a second shock when Kidou answers "of course not Akio, we talked a mere few hours ago". Because I live for confused outsider pov.

They would be twice as horrified as they were before about the experiments on the sun garden kids. Like yeah it was very disturbing to learn about the first time but now they're adults and this has been done to children by adults who they trusted and they cannot even fathom the idea of being responsible for so many children and using them for experiments. What the fuck.

At some point during s2 they more or less take the role of coaches, much to the displeasure of the actual coach. Well, sucks to be her, but they both have been coaches several times in the future and they know what they they're doing. Also, they're severely not intimidated by her so there's that.

The team's and Fudou's relationship is very different this time around, both because there wasn't a catastrophic first impression on Fudou's part and because Fudou from the future is much more gentler than his teenage self. Sure, he's still a snarky asshole but he's way more well-adjusted and way less power-hungry. This heals something in Fudou that he wasn't aware was broken.

I am not kidding about the amount of shenanigans a Hakuryuu raised by Fudou and Kidou could get into. Somehow, those shenanigans involve finding one very depressed (and riddled with survivor's guilt) Tsurugi Kyousuke, and just about kidnapping him. Fudou and Kidou are, at first, a bit confused about the unknown child in their home. Then they recognize the kid, remember what happened to his brother, and decide to unofficially adopt him and his brother too. (we don't really know about the Tsurugi parents in canon so I'm gonna assume they're not great).

The adoption is unofficial because it would be awkward to adopt the kid their son has a crush on (Hakuryuu vehemently denies having a crush. His parents don't care). Tsurugi Yuuichi is very confused about being basically adopted by two soccer legends, but he's not complaining (it is relieving to be able to lean on someone)