#also i got though the 8th circle

[most-fuck-able-ff14]

WHY AIN'T NONE OF Y'ALL POINT OUT I'VE BEEN TAGING THE SHADOW BRINGERS POLLS AS "shadowbrings spoilers" AND NOT "shadowbringers spoilers"???

DID Y'ALL MISS THAT TOO CAUSE I'M SO SORRY! -Mod Fisher

[utilitycaster]

Level-up post: Bells Hells L13

girl help usually I draft these well in advance but I forgot about this one so it's going to be a little shorter and probably less pithy. Anyway as always: corrections on errors appreciated, but if I didn't list every single possible spell or feat someone could take then that's because I don't care. And, because we do the level-ups like this rather than at the end of a session, this will include L14 speculation. Without further ado:

Everyone's proficiency bonus goes up to +5, and the non-multiclassed full spellcasters (Imogen and FCG) get access to 7th level spells.

Chetney: Chetney took another level in Blood Hunter, granting him an ASI/Feat. On the one hand, his wisdom score is odd and so an ASI to that makes sense. On the other hand fuck WIS forever and ever amen; CON, STR, and INT are all way more important for him and for this party. Orym can perceive enough for everyone. L13 Blood Hunter is a nice one that grants him an additional use of blood maledict, as well as the Brand of Tethering which is both thematically appropriate for the campaign and could REALLY ruin Ludinus's day.

Laudna: Another sorcerer level, which grants her more metamagic, and Marisha said in the video she'd be taking Empowered Spell. She also learns another spell up to 5th level, and another cantrip. Frankly I have no idea for cantrips since between two casting classes with cantrips, her subclasses, and spell sniper, she is Cantrips Georg, but Seeming and Teleportation Circle are both pragmatic options that would help the party; Creation and Insect Plague are both aesthetically apt; and Dominate Person, while coming from her sorcery, does have that touch of Delilah. Looking forward I must admit that warlock is infinitely more useful and interesting but it's probably wiser to get 6th level spells.

FCG: FCG's main improvement here is access to 7th level spells; these are pretty great for clerics. I am personally a fan of Divine Word, and Plane Shift seems likely quite useful, but Regenerate and Resurrection are good to have available. L14 for clerics is quiet and simply improves their ability to destroy undead, as is 15, which grants them 8th level spells.

Fearne: Fearne took a 10th level in Druid, granting her another cantrip and another 5th level spell. She gets Cauterizing Flames, which is a little like Wither and Bloom or some of the Circle of the Shepherd features: when a small or larger creature dies within 30 feet of her or Little Mister, she can use a reaction to either heal a creature within 30 feet of the dead creature, or deal fire damage to it. This may become immediately useful if we're fighting Liliana or Otohan. I am hoping she levels up to 11 in Druid at the next level up, which would give her Transport via Plants and Wind Walk access, making the party a little less reliant on Keyleth. As for her cantrip, I'm thinking Druidcraft would be fun since she doesn't have it and it's been so useful on Ruidus.

Imogen: Imogen gets 7th level spells, of which Teleport is a clear winner, particularly since FCG can take Plane Shift, but there are some of my favorite damage/fuckery spells in there (Prismatic Spray, Reverse Gravity, and Delayed Blast Fireball). Level 14 gives her Revelation in Flesh. I must admit I'd be more psyched about this if she'd leaned into the slime aspects of the subclass, but I am interested in seeing how it gets modified because I don't think she should get the swim speed if she won't grow weird cilia and gills; the other features can stay though.

Orym: In addition to having the stupidest passive perception score on the moon, he also gains another use of indomitable. Level 14 gives him an ASI/Feat and really he can't go wrong here; because he got feats from his pact I'm thinking an ASI to CON to make him even more of a tank would be fun, but fighters get so many feats that he can really go nuts.

Ashton: Base barbarian ability of Brutal Critical goes up to 2 dice from 1, giving them the ability to do more damage when they crit. Eyes peeled for his next level-up, when he gets his final Path of Fundamental Chaos feature!

[maniculum]

scorpion in a 8th/9th century manuscript from the monastery of fulda (Basel, Universitätsbibl., F III 15a, fol. 23r)

[Image ID: a rough line drawing of a creature with the general outline of a horseshoe crab. On the left side are four spikes that probably represent legs; on the right are three. It has a tail and pincers, but the pincers appear to have eyes and odd triple-forked tongues, apparently being interpreted as snake's heads. The tail has a circle and a line drawn on it near the end that indicates it might also be a snake's head, but with its mouth closed.]

Okay, that's... that's something. I've got to assume that this is the work of someone who was presented with a more-or-less-correct silhouette of a scorpion -- maybe a drawing light on detail, much like this one -- and tried to interpret it in a way that makes sense to them. So the pincers become... snake heads, because it's venomous? Right? And maybe the tail too? Honestly I kind of like the creativity. Looks like they've screwed up the legs on the right side, though, assuming that's what those are meant to be. And I'm not sure why the snakes' tongues are forked three ways instead of two.

Points:

Small Scuttling Beaſtie? ✓

Pincers? i mean, kind of? they're there, but they have tongues... ½

Exoskeleton or Shell? ✓

Visible Stinger? fine you can have this one, ✓

Limbs? 9

As for vibes, this is a tough one. The creativity is respectable, but this is generally a mess. And I can't picture this critter in any way that makes me okay with it being around me, so I'm going with a 2 / 5.

Total points:

6.4 / 10

Taking some big swings here.

[starryhiraeth]

Azriel x Reader

Warnings; Angst if you squint

Probs some spelling errors (but that’s normal here now)

He was pacing, how long had it been 30 minutes? An hour? 2 hours?

He couldn’t tell, the last thing Azriel could  consciously remember was Rhysand telling him that you, Mor’s sister, was getting married to Eris!

The relationship between you and the inner circle hadn’t been great by any means, when Mor was saved and brought to Velaris you were unbelievably happy for your sister and you waited, waited for them to save you too, knowing that you were your fathers backup plan and had already been exposed to much abuse, you waited and waited and waited and waited and no one came not until centuries later when the High lady Feyre found out Morrigan had a sister, did they come,

By then you had already mastered your way of life, you knew what to do to get out trouble, how to act and talk, of course it was all for the purpose of survival but there was something else…

When your sister was rescued you were merely 16 and it was also the time when your father told you, you would be taking her place, once you were older and trained, you would marry Eris.

The day your sister and her friends arrived and tried to play Hero, you were furious, you yelled that they had centuries to come and rescue you and they hadn’t, they abandoned you! And you didn’t need them, you would marry Eris, you would be the future lady of autumn and you will be happy.

You sent them away with your sister in tears and your cousin with a shameful look on his face. Good. They should feel bad. They deserve it.

But there was one person who didn’t say anything or show any emotional apart from slight shock.

The Shadowsinger Himself.

He felt it the minute he saw you, he felt all your rage, your sadness, your bitterness

He couldn’t say he held it against you in fact he couldn’t really say much, there was just shock pumping through his system

You felt it too, of course you did, but did your care, no…okay maybe a little-

But it didn’t matter.

You knew he was in love with Mor for centuries, everyone knew that, he was in love with the “better sister” you knew that was how they viewed you “the sister made of nightmares”

Fuck them.

Azriel kept on pacing, they were invited to the wedding for Cauldrons sake!

Nobody knew this of course but since that night, that night when he met you, Azriel visited the court of nightmares once a week for 18 weeks

At first he just had his shadows watch you and the report back, next he would watch you at balls and finally on the 8th week he spoke to you, now granted you threw a vase or 2 at him but when you calmed down it wasn’t so bad, it was definitely a journey though

1st-8th week; watching

“She’s okay?”

The shadows moved up and down in a nodding motion in response as Az let out a breath of relief

8th-12th week; Sacrifice vases

A vase flew at his head as he dodged it again

“GET OUT AZRIEL”

“Okay, okay…I just wanted to talk to yo-”

He was interrupted as another vase flew at his head

12th-15th week; I’ll talk but I’m bitter

You were sitting in a bench in your garden starring up at the sky

“You know, the stars in Velaris are much brighter, clearer and beautiful” he said, sitting down next to you

“I wouldn’t know” you snapped slightly

“Let me take you there” his voice held desperation

You just shook your head

“Why not” he ask

You didn’t even look at him, only shrugging

“Your not telling me something, what is it”

I’m marrying another male

Your head snapped to him “I don’t have to tell you anything”

“We’re mates…” there it was again, that’s hint of desperation, for a tiny bit of care, of anything, he waited for centuries for a mate, for that one special person…instead he got you…

You wanted to snap and say that, that meant nothing to you but you thought it would be cruel…and a lie, you cared, of course you cared, you didn’t exactly know why but you did. It didn’t matter though, your hand was already claimed. Azriel was Too late.

So you said nothing and kept looking up at the dull stars of which seemed to hold a glimpse of your future

15th-17th week; the first time

Those past few week were filled with happiness, it was the first time you’d ever laughed so hard, smiled so much and blushed so furiously.

Azriel was otherworldly.

“Admit it, you don’t hate me so much anymore” he laughed

You playfully laughed “I never hated you” He gave you and you kept on laughing “okay fine, maybe a little but you should feel honoured,I wasted many good vases on you”

he laughed “Ah yes, I’ll be sure to mention your brave sacrifice of the vases in my vows”

Both of your laughing stopped as you both realised what he said

His vows.

Blood practically flew to your cheeks as he started to stutter over his words before you both fell into a  comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s presence

Your mate.

The sun started to come up as Azriel went to leave, he places a kiss on your hand.

After he was gone your smile fell into a look of despair knowing you’d never hear his vows, only Eris’s

18th week; …you ended it…

You two were on the bench again

It was time

“We have to end this…us…no more flirting, laughing or talking” tears shone on your eyes as you couldn’t look at him

“Why…” tears glistened in his hazel eyes, his voicing breaking

“I can’t tell you…”

“I deserve a reason!…”

This was killing you…

You looked at him

“I’m sorry Azriel, I’m so sorry”

You left him there.

Present;

So that was why…

You were marring Eris…

What.the fuck.

Rhysand had told everyone that he had received an invitation to the wedding and that everyone would be getting their own personal invitations soon

It was true, Azriel’s arrived that evening, long story short, he threw it in the fireplace

Every word on that piece of card, every stroke of ink made him feel violently ill.

That’s why you ended it, your cunt of a father is trying to marry you off!

You didn’t want this…you couldn’t…right?

Not after everything…those months were the best in his life. You were the best thing in his life

His mind was racing of ways to stop this.

Nobody knew about the mating bond.

He could go to your house right now? No, you were probably already in autumn court.

Another flash of sickness hit his stomach and a stabbing feeling hit his heart

He…he could…He could crash the wedding…

3 weeks later

Azriel wasn’t in his seat, he was hiding behind one of the Ruby red curtains, his wings tucked in as tightly as possible, he could see his family looking around for him but they soon gave up after the music started to play.

The organ played a song that sounded like a death march as Eris look towards the doors at the end as they opened, revealing you.

Beautiful, beautiful you.

Your dress was covered in stones and shaped like a cupcake, your hair was curly and flowing down your back.

After what felt like a century you finally made it to the Alter, you didn’t hate your dress, it wasn’t what you would have picked but it was decent, your vail was removed and you look to Eris, your…your soon to be Husband…

Finally the priestess said those sweet yet also bitter words.

“Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

How nice it would be but it won’t

Or so you thought

Azriel himself walks onto the isle and all eyes go to him as he stares at you

“Don’t do this…” he said

“Azriel-” Rhysand calls out but Azriel completely ignores him

“Don’t say yes, Run away, Run away with me. Don’t be his wife…be my mate” he breath was shaky and he held out his scarred hand as you feel your own slip away from Eris’s

Beron gets up to do mother knows what-

Hurt Azriel?

Hurt you?

It didn’t matter since Eris quickly threw a wall of fire towards his father, stopping him, he looked back at you

“Go.”

Was all he said, smiling slightly

Your face break out in a smile of relief as you ran into Azriel’s open arms as you felt his shadows wrap around to you both, teleporting you away

You looked around too see mountains as tall as the clouds, the night sky itself seem to shine and a city like… like starlight…

“Where…Velaris?” You breathlessly ask

“Yeah” he breathed out, his wings wrapped around you, his hands on the sides of your face and his eye piecing into yours

He brought his lips to yours…and in that moment the world the quiet, the only sounds you could hear was your own heartbeat, the stars glistening and Azriel…through the bond, you broke apart to take a breath before putting both hands on his face and smiling like you never had before rejoining your lips.

You were finally happy.

Happy you weren’t in autumn

Happy you were no longer the princess off nightmares

Happy to be in Velaris

Happy to be Azriel mate

And so happy Azriel was there when they said “Speak now”

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.

[foressfaction]

:Ticci Toby:{A Rewrite}

WARNING:: This story contains EXTREMELY triggering topics such as Domestic/Child/Substance abuse, Death, harsh language, GORE and dissociation triggers.

This story mentions mental illnesses and disorders such as Depression, PTSD, ADHD, and Tourette's Syndrome.

!!TICS MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

Prologue

So it begins. The boy tugged on the skirt of a middle aged woman. She was his mom. Her hair was short, cut into a nice layered bob, though it had grown over time, it at one point was a pixie cut. She had diamond shaped ruby earrings on, in an attempt to look formal. Her name, it rolled off the tongue very smoothly, Connie Rogers.

"Why are there so many old people here?" The brunette boy asked. Connie's son, who's name also seemed pretty vague. Tobias Rogers.

The woman was quick to correct him, shushing him loudly while murmuring under her breath with a hint of embarrassment on her face. "Toby! Haha, I'm so sorry about him," she yearned off the stares she got from her son's odd choice of a question. And a rather rude one too. Toby had always been quite the weird kid. He said what was on his mind, whatever it was, and when he wanted to say it. Maybe the question would've been better at a funeral, or a grandma's birthday party. Do grandma's have birthday parties? Toby wouldn't know honestly. He never did meet his mom's mom. That's a funny way to put it.

The two were currently at a 'meet the teacher' day. Y'know, the day about a week before the first day of school. For Toby, he will be starting the 6th grade. To him, school has always been a joke. He barely passed 5th grade and was one point away from having to be stuck doing summer school. He had never been a people person either, especially with other kids his age.

"Are any of these people actually going to be important?" Toby asked, earning a glance from his mom. Her dark circles are more visible than ever.

"I'm sure they will be, look, that's your principal, you should probably go say hi, or....something. I have a lot of paperwork to fill out. Go have a look around, stretch your legs, we've been walking all day."

Toby made a spitting noise as if he thought that was one of the most boring things she could've said. He bared his braced teeth. Meet his principal? He didn't realize going to a different school would be so tiring. Toby eventually left her side, wandering out into the empty halls. Oh so that's why there was a big sign on the door that read 'staff only.' Not like that mattered to him, no one saw, no one had to know. Despite it being a day for his entire grade to be here, it was almost like the halls were abandoned. His mind was always a little trickster, it would make him believe something when that 'something' isn't in existence. Toby took some steps forward, then found himself walking further away from the chattering of the people from the room he was just in. His entire body felt cold, chills running up and down his broken nerves.

It was kind of eerie, not gonna lie. The only thing Toby could hear was the pitter patter on his own shoes, the same old shoes he's had for years. Honestly surprised the souls haven't torn off yet. The boy found himself turning multiple corners and met with endless hallways of lockers. He's never seen a locker before. There were thousands of them, atleast, that's what his mind was showing him. 'Did I take my medicine?' was the first thing he thought to himself as he continued down these narrow halls. He was over thinking the reason why his mom shooed him away, probably because he was a distraction, or knew he needed one. As uncanny as this felt, Toby found himself quite occupied. He had started counting the lockers, every one of them, and remembered the exact number of lockers on the 8th hallway.

That's suddenly when he saw that one part of the hallway's lights were off. It was right smack in the middle of the hallway, so why did those lights not work? Toby grew curious so he started to inch towards the area. That's when he noticed they weren't just off, but flickering a little.

He knew this feeling a little too well. That feeling of being watched, judged. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. He felt the air grow thick around him, as if gross, slimy water had just been poured onto him, soaking him to the heavy weight of being drenched. This of course actually didn't happen, but it felt like it did.

Toby turned around quickly, hearing something behind him, then again in front of him. He thought he was going to give himself whiplash from all of the darting of his head. Nothing was there though, nothing of sight, atleast. When Toby looked back to the hallway where the lights were supposedly off, he noticed they were working now. This caught him a little off guard, but as he looked closer, he could see that even further down than before, lights were off.

It was leading him further down the hallway?

Toby shook his head. "No that's not real." He whispered. "That's not r-real," he once again whispered with a little more voice. He felt that if the longer he looked, the more that feeling of tightness would increase.

Toby turned his back to the suffering lights, inching his way back to the room he was in not too long ago, with his mom. He turned the corner, only to nearly run into the frantic woman. "There you are, goodness, I thought you left this building." She spoke in a rather worried tone, taking his hand into hers, her rings were cold against his fingers. "You're really warm, are you okay? Are you sweating?"

Toby looked at her quickly, confusion sweeping him. "Am i?" He asked out while taking his free arm and wiping his forehead. Behold, bits of what felt like condensation rubbed off his skin. "Well we can forget meeting your teachers, I have your schedule here. I don't want you overheating again in all those layers, you know you can't feel temperatures to an extreme, you know this." She slightly scolded. Toby was just confused. He didn't feel too hot, he didn't know he was sweating. He does struggle with a certain disorder where he could technically place his hand on a lit stove and not feel a thing, despite his flesh melting off and severely damaging his hand. If anything it would just feel warm.

It was sad to be reminded he wasn't like the other normal kids in his grade, and certainly wasn't looking forward to another year of the constant reminders either. "I will be more aware next time." He stated, tone sounding a bit degraded.

It wasn't long before the two brunettes were on their way home. Toby was gazing out of the window, sitting in the backseat with his legs pulled up into a hug. The ride was silent, but his mom had never been too talkative after the last few months. Things weren't too good at home. Though he was going to go to a different school, they still lived in this dump of a house. Denver was a nice city, but in winters it was hard to stay warm, and in summers it was hard to stay cool. The house overall just about had it.

And the family knew that.

Toby finally broke the silence as the car hit a few road bumps. "There's exactly 286 lockers in the school." There was a moment of silence, but when he expected an answer there was nothing. "Mom?" He called out, not moving from his position but did lean his head over to try to peek into the rear view mirror that hung on the roof of the car.

He could see makeup running down her face, hands clenched onto the steering wheel tightly. If he listened closely, he could hear sniffling.

Toby knew better than to barge into questions but this time he knew the answer. He would have the same reason to cry, but lately he hadn't been able to feel much emotion at all. He, again, only saw life as a joke, nothing was real, no matter how hard he pushed away the reality. A 20 minute drive full of sniffles and awkward silence finally ended as the brown Subaru pulled into the cracked driveway to an old two story house.

The thing looked as if it was gonna fall in at any given moment. On the inside it was pretty big, still had carpet though it was old and stained, very stained.

A couple of whistles left Toby, followed by a few uncomfortable popping sounds from his neck. He had something called Tourette's Syndrome which caused the boy to jerk and tic uncontrollably. It was very uncomfortable for both him and those having to witness it. If he wasn't careful, he could accidentally hit someone, or himself. Which he does occasionally. Toby stepped out of the car to see the man standing on the porch, cigarette in hand. Seemed like he didn't see them pull into the driveway. Toby knew he did.

Toby noticed his mom left the folder of his school rules and other stuff in the car on the dashboard. He opened the door to reach in and grab it, his hand slipping with a slight tic, accidentally honking the horn, making the woman jump.

"Fuck- sorry, fuck! Sorry!" The boy jumped to coo out as he held the folder up. "Got it-"

Toby quickly closed the door to head inside, hearing the man spur something up. "Fuckin' boy." He muttered in a southern accent.

Toby paid no mind as it was something he was used to, rushing into the house and sitting the folder onto the counter, opening it and looking at all the papers. "Oh there were 287 lockers..I was off by one." He had his finger on where it stated the fact. He didn't understand why he was so fixated on the locker count. Gave him a distraction probably.

Toby moved the papers just enough to peer at his schedule, something he didn't have at his old school. "Wait mom? Why did you sign me up for public classes?"

The folder was snagged away from his hands, probably giving him a paper cut. "Stop complainin' and suck it up, it's about time you learn with other kids." The man scolded. Toby could see the vein popping from his forehead. The same shaggy blond buzz cut blanketed the man's head. His dad; he carried a name that would make anyone grimace just hearing it, Jacob Rogers. "Dad!" Toby tried to take the folder back but that only earned him a smack on the hand with the rather hard plastic outsides of the yellow folder.

Toby glared slightly as he took a deep breath.

The brunette woman strolled in, setting her bag down on the small island counter as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Look, Toby, I tried to suggest special education, but they said that it was time for you to get to know your grade better, plus wouldn't it be great to hang around people who...Actually respond when you talk to them?" She spoke out, slightly raising her voice.

"But they were nice to me," Toby added, narrowing his eyebrows, taking glances at the folder in his dad's hands. "Can i atleast see it closer? Again?" He eyed the man after asking.

"Your sister takes public classes, so can you. It's time we stop babying you, you're 13 years old for fucks sake. Act like it."

"Jacob!" Connie shouted with an offended tone. She knew the man was an asshole but she usually tried to defend her kid's opinions. Their marriage hadn't been the best lately, especially after her husband started to waste their money and abuse alcoholic substances. Speaking of which, the blonde man held a dark green bottle in his hand that wasn't clinging to Toby's school information.

The second Toby noticed that his mom saw the bottle, he knew they were about to bicker.

He just didn't want to be in the middle of that, excusing himself from where he took a seat.

Toby disappeared upstairs to one of the rooms he called his own. It wasn't much, just a carpeted floor, a dark blue rug with matching bed sheets. Completely unintentional. His shelves consisted of vintage toys he never touched, books, a lamp, and other nick nacks. He only ever kept one thing out, a stuffed cow. Why? He honestly grew an attachment to it. The poor thing was ripped up in many places, had patches on the stomach and left side of the head. It looked derpy as hell but he loved it to death.

Sometimes though when he holds it, he can't help but remember the time he 'played tug-o-war' with his dad who eventually ripped the head completely off while trying to take it from him. His only reason was because 'he was too old.' No one is too old for a comfort item.

Toby crawled onto the bed and took the cow plush into his hands and stared down at it. He gently gnawed at the inside of his cheek, a habit he developed a while ago. "Today isn't the best day, Mr. Cowbells, will you make it better? At least until Lyra gets home.." He hugged the stuffie to his chest and stared down at his sheets. It wasn't long before what he assumed would happen started up. He heard their loud voices downstairs. He knew it wasn't going to be too long until he heard thrashes and door slams.

It was like this all day, everyday.

All day, everyday.

••••••I

[toomuchracket]

bday boy (flatmate!matty)

(hi! day 1 of Birthday Party week, a celebration of our short king turning 34 on the 8th, organised by legend icons @the1975attheirverybest and @brownduck! i don't know if i'll be writing every day, but i thought it might be nice to kick off "your first birthday as a couple - his" with a tiny thing about the love of everyone's life, flatmate!matty. enjoy!)

the sunlight streaming through the thin curtains is what wakes matty up. it's warm on his face, a gentle caress, as if to soften the aching realisation that he's another year older as of today.

that realisation is also softened by you, tucked safely into his chest, still fast asleep. your bare legs are entwined with his, your hair escaping from the loose bun you insist on putting your hair in every night, and your nose twitches adorably as you lightly mewl (he can't think of a more accurate word) in your sleep; matty has never seen a cuter sight in his life than you right now.

he hopes you're dreaming of him, to be as contented as you are. matty's certainly dreamed of you - in the years before you finally got together, it was for sights like the one he's woken up to today. now, his unconscious fantasies are filled with diamond rings, white dresses, you in sundresses with a swollen stomach, toddlers with your sparkling eyes and his wild curls. it's been less than a year since you both braved the transition from friends to lovers, but matty knows that he wants to wake up to you and only you for the rest of his life. well, to you and several children that are half you and half him, feisty little characters with wicked senses of humour and hearts of gold.

you begin to stir in your sleep, limbs shifting and head rolling back as you awaken. matty eases you through it by rubbing small circles into your bare back, which makes your eyes flutter open slowly. the butterflies in his stomach begin to flutter in parallel - god, he loves you so much. you smile sleepily at him, before your eyes widen in alarm and you exclaim. "FUCK! you weren't supposed to be awake first!"

matty's brow furrows in confusion. "and good morning to you too, sweetheart?"

"sorry," your face softens into a sheepish smile that melts matty's heart. "i just... i wanted to be up before you, so i could make breakfast and surprise you with it. happy birthday, baby."

christ. he could cry at how sweet you are, but he just pulls you close and kisses your forehead instead. "fuck, i love you so much."

"so you're not in a mard because i haven't made you pancakes?" you giggle, as matty begins pressing little kisses all over your face, your bare chests pressed together. "i love you too, by the way, even if i did wake up late on your birthday. i swear i have the rest of the day planned out nicely, though - we'll meet your mum for lunch and then see the boys for a drink then go for dinner and i've booked this hotel in town for tonight that i really think you're gonna li-"

"-baby, baby, it's alright," matty interjects, before you talk yourself back into unconsciousness. "just relax, yeah? s'just another day. no point getting yourself all worked up about it."

your shoulders move forward like you're deflating. "but it's not just another day, matty. it's your birthday, and i'm your girlfriend now," you murmur into his chest. "just wanted today to be special for you, and s'all thrown off now."

you sound so sad about the whole thing that matty's heart aches. weirdly, though, it continues to flutter at the inherent tenderness of how much you love him, to want to make his birthday such a lovely day. "darlin', it'll be special anyway," matty says, tilting your chin up so he can look at you properly. "how could it not be? i'm spending it with you, love of my life, girl of my dreams."

"who couldn't even wake up on time to bring you surprise pancakes in bed," you mutter petulantly, looking away from your boyfriend.

matty's undeterred by your annoyance, though; he begins to press kisses down your face and jaw and onto your neck, long, sensual kisses that involve swipes of his tongue across the spot he knows makes you go loopy. when you begin to moan, despite yourself, matty gently rolls you onto your back and continues to kiss down your body, your moans continuing as background music to his actions, stopping when he reaches the tops of your thighs. "i can think of something i'd much prefer to eat for my birthday breakfast than pancakes. can i, angel?"

smiling, you open your legs, and let matty settle himself between them happily. after all, who are you to deny the birthday boy what he wants?

[just-antithings]

This is not about antis, exactly, but there's definitely a similar vibe in the sentiments and it annoys me and I want to complain, so.

Apparently there's a program in my country that schools can sign up into that offers free "art experiences" to 8th graders (so about 14-year-olds). Looking at the program's website quickly, it seems to include plays, music concerts, probably art museum tours, I don't know what all. But like, either way, any of the stuff that the program offers is vetted beforehand to make sure it's suitable, and worksheets created for the kids to do before and after the show to try and get them to engage with art and understand what it makes them feel and whatever, and the kids get to rate whatever art thing it was they got to go to, afterwards.

Now, apparently, one of the things this program has arranged tickets for is some theater's current production of a comedic play written in the 19th century by one of the more famous playwrights/authors of my country's history (whose work, incidentally, was in his own time frequently under fire for its immoral and/or otherwise inappropriate depictions of whatever). I have never seen or read this particular play, so I can't tell you much about the plot or what the content of the text itself would be, beyond that it's a comedy that probably includes at least one character making a fool of himself, since that tends to be typical for the author's work afaik.

Anyway, to get to the point, the specific production that was on the program included, apparently, a scene in which, for comedic reasons, the main character's pants were pulled down enough for his bare ass to be visible, and something was written across his buttocks. And some other scenes which maybe, at least in the eyes of some in the audience, could be considered possibly somewhat sexually suggestive, though, again, I have not seen the particular production so I can't weigh in on whether they really are or not. Either way, even at worst, it's... come on, the school groups that was shown to were kids of about 14 years old, if they've never seen anything more sexually suggestive than that in movies or tv or somewhere, I'm honestly very surprised. In any case, the play contains no depictions of actual sex. And again, the play was checked by professionals and deemed to be appropriate for the program's art experience list.

Anyway, apparently the principal of some Christian school wrote an opinion piece in some news paper about oh how terrible and unnecessary sexualized and kids should not be exposed to that and so on and so forth. Aaaaand since then, the theater's social medias have been swamped with harrassing comments and, *sigh*, people accusing various people working on the production of pedophilia. To the point that the theater has had to switch off commenting altogether on many of their posts and made a policy of not answering phone calls from unknown comments anymore, because the shitstorm just got to that point.

And I just. literally WHY THE FUCK are people like this?? like. how do you even get from "theater play includes a scene where an actor's bare behind is visible and maybe a few other things with a slight sexual tone happen" to "people working for this theater are pedophiles and putting children in danger". Just. geez. it's so fucking stupid. Also I find it ironic that this was a work from the 19th century, that in its own time shocked people and was deemed immoral, and... what do you know, a modern rendition of the play also shocks people and gets deemed as immoral, apparently.

ugh that’s so shitty. time is a flat circle

[masha-nikita]

How strong is his Mars?- Bernard Montgomery-

Here I am, two episodes of “How strong is his Mars? all at once. I am going to test a theory in Astrology community- you’ve got to have a strong Mars to be competent in the military.

Whether that theory is true or not, you guys know I have to talk about Monty.

Monty has Mars in Virgo; you see, I am writing about his Mars back to back with Patton’s, because Patton also has a Virgo Mars- so far, that makes 3 outstanding generals with Virgo Mars-- even though it is my opinion that Manstein’s Moon, not Mars, is where his military magic happens. Here I can say, Monty and Patton’s Mars works against the odds, and performs better, above Erich’s score.

I commented on Manstein’s Virgo Mars as follows- if stands alone without any other aspects, this Mars is too detail-oriented for its own good, especially in a fast-paced battlefield. An earth sign Mars has poor ability to take actions by intuition and improvising, unless favorably aspected by Neptune or moon. Virgo Mars possesses delicate tendencies to handle smaller details but may easily lose sight of what needs to be done on a grand scale. This Mars makes its native a fussing workaholic.

Monty’s Mars trines Neptune; this indicates that he intuits enemy actions reasonably well. With Mercury and Sun in harmonious sextile aspects, he’s supposed to be very reasonable, and his decision making process grounded in reality. A 3rd house Mars endows active mind. Any malefic astro body in 3rd house becomes innovative and stimulating to the wits (yes, Mars is considered a malefic), which allows the native to be very smart during arguments. I do not think Monty appreciates small talks—small talks would be regarded as petty nonsense by him. His speeches do have very good leadership quality, very exhilarating to listen to.

This is actually a pretty good Mars, but poor Monty has other aspects that aren’t that good.

Monty’s Sun opposites Pluto and Neptune, just like Manstein’s. This brings the native great difficulty in assessing their ego (represented by Sun). This flaw would destine them on a long, hard journey to find who they truly are as an “independent self”. Manstein’s Sun is in 8th house opposite 2nd house Pluto-Neptune; he might have been secretly very concerned with how posterity would value him after his death. What is of personal value that belongs to Erich may be a source of great illusion and inner tension, if handled unwisely. This value struggle may render him a hard cynic whose only concern is money and self-preservation.

Whereas for Monty (4th house sun, 11th house Neptune-Pluto), it looks like worldly reputation for the Montgomery family name is the struggle here—or maybe it is just his own name to be his desperate concern. Family is where a person was born into, and where they eventually establish themselves, and then dies into. He may have an exaggerated sense of patriotism if he could not agree with the family he was born into, or could not find his own family to belong to. He might view anybody who’s outside of his immediate circle “the troublesome other”, a great source of power struggle. It is not easy for him to acquire a smooth friend circle. With a 11th house Pluto, some explosive shit constantly goes down between he and his supposed social groups—he’s a bit antisocial, in a neutral sense of the word.

Now moving on to his Saturn—any planet in conjunction with the ascendant should be given special attention. I admit it is not an amateur astrologer’s place to call a person’s chart “unfortunate”, but there’s something so deeply karmic with Monty’s Saturn.

This Saturn—which symbolizes rigid structure, hard disciplines, delays and pessimism, could act like an invisible iron prison for the native; the tighter the conjunction with the ascendant, the tighter the iron grip. Either he secretly denies himself any personal enjoyments possible, or life would strip him of happiness by taking away important loved ones from him. A positive side of this aspect is that, while it does not give good creativity to weasel oneself out of a danger, it is unphased by any kind of pain and suffering the danger brings.

A Leo Saturn is not fun to deal with, because Saturn is in detriment in Leo. Leo’s natural ruler is Sun; the key words of Sun are “accomplishments, authority, and self-worth”. Saturn not only hollows out Leo’s self-worth, but the native is also very suspicious of any authority over them. Monty may constantly question how come somebody deserves such authority, and how does himself deserve anything? We could hear from Churchill’s single quote on Monty showing how bad he is in getting along with authority- “In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.”

It is very difficult for the native to learn about love, because love always involves a level of surrender. With such a karmic aspect, occasionally when Leo Saturn finds someone to love, he'd lose that person in a traumatic fashion. The native might end up going “fuck it, I give up.” Given this Saturn conjuncts ascendant, Monty sees no problem in denying himself worldly love and enjoyment. Leo Saturn is able to maintain some lightheartedness, a little bit of warped hero complex, thus the native is capable of dark humor.

Monty’s Saturn actually conjunct his ascendant from 12th house- a 12th house Saturn doubles down on certain problems. Saturn generally seeks to hold onto anything structured and concrete, yet 12th house is anything but. 12th house rules the afterlife, the disappearance, dissolution, the invisible worlds and creatures—dreams, unconscious, psychic realms, and illusions. Saturn in 12th native secretly believes in his own original sins, and is acutely conscious of and anxious about the existence beyond death. This Saturn has a tendency to draw the native into hermetic isolation and practices, because it is the world of the beyond that he looks at, the world where his loved ones have gone before he does.

However, sometimes this 12th house Saturn gives the exact opposite effect—what is beyond death and what is out there where everything dissolves into inmateriality, is such an acute issue that the native holds onto things and powers of this world to an excessive degree. For example, Vladimir Putin has a 12th house Saturn.

This series so far does draw a conclusion that perhaps it is not the Mars that brings forth a good general—I see no fire sign Mars. I haven’t even seen a Capricorn Mars (Mars is exalted in Capricorn). But I do see an unexpected common denominator- these commanders are all psychic on some level. I couldn’t help but wonder- what does “being psychic” really mean?

Perhaps it means the special ability either to reach into death, or to walk upon thousands of men’s life and death, the strength of coming to terms with the mortality of all the mortalities.

It might be a hot take for some people, but I really don’t see much psychic power from those famous 20th century occultist, especially Aleister Crowley. Neither his 8th nor 12th house is prominent; I don’t know what’s up with him. Maybe Crowley’s strength lies in his knowledge. I can statistically compare my own psychic ability against my friend, by measuring whose Tarot readings have longer projection into the future via client feedbacks, but what I see featured the most in many self-proclaimed magi isn’t psychic power, but the ego. Ego attracts egos, so there you go, a guru whose ego as big as the universe for the rainbow unicorn groupies to resonate with.

I digress. I love that there’s always smile in the corner of Monty’s eyes despite his Saturn, that’s the sign of an indefeatable man. This song is for him. May warmth and may love conquer all.

[exdraghunt]

Secret Solonoid gift

This one goes out to @cao-the-dreamer

Mirage/Noah, explicit, sticky

also on Ao3

Though Mirage had been on earth long enough to pick up much of the culture, he still sometimes laughed at jokes that Noah didn’t get. Cybertronian humor, he would always say, waving away his human friend’s confused looks.

This time, it was about Noah complaining about a stuck solenoid valve. For some reason, he couldn’t get the word ‘valve’ out of his mouth without garnering giggles from his Cybertronian friend. Mirage was worse than a group of 8th grade boys in a science class.

“Alright, what’s so funny?” Noah finally asked, hands on his hips.

“Nothing, nothing.” Mirage waved him off. “Cybertronian humor.”

“Nu-uh. That ain’t gonna fly this time, amigo.” Noah fixed him with his best stern look. “Out with it.”

“It’s just. You know. Valves.” Mirage laughed again, obviously finding the word hilarious.

“Yeah. Valves.” Noah didn’t see the connection. “Little things that turn on or off the flow of liquid.”

“But they’re also. Well, you know.” Mirage gestured at his crotch.

“No, I don’t know.” Noah put his hands on his hips. “Explain it to me.”

Mirage made a very illustrative gesture with his hands. A circle with thumb and forefinger on one hand, pointing with the other. Finger in and out of the circle. An, apparently, universal gesture.

“Wait, you guys fuck?” Noah exclaimed in surprise. Yeah, he knew that Cybertronians were sentient and alive, more so than any ‘robot’, but he hadn’t thought they did that.

“Well, yeah.” Mirage said, like it was obvious. “’Cept we call it interfacing, but basically the same thing, right?”

‘Basically the same thing,’ as if learning that the giant alien robots had sex wasn’t totally ground-shaking. “And you call your vaginas ‘valves’?”

“What else would we call them?”

Well, Noah didn’t have a good answer for that. He would never be able to look at Arcee the same way. “So, your lady bots have these valves?”

“No, everybody has them.” Mirage corrected him.

Noah looked at Mirage’s crotch with a bit of morbid curiosity. “Do you, you know, have one?”

“Of course.” Mirage grinned. “Do you wanna see?”

Did he? His brain said ‘no way’ but what came out of his mouth was “Sure.”

The sound of a transformation was familiar to him now, even when it was on a small scale. Plating on Mirage’s crotch clicked and folded away revealing what was underneath.

It looked. Well, it looked like a vagina. Kind of. Noah had never seen one in person, just in photos and dirty magazines, but there were puffy lips bordering a barely-visible hole, and a glowing node poking out at the very top. The main difference is that this was made of metal, and enormous. Noah leaned in a little closer, trying to figure out if the faint glow he was seeing was some sort of lights inside the vagina. No, valve. “Wait, are there lights in there?”

“Heck yeah.” Mirage helpfully spread the lips of his valve, showing off the circular opening and yes, the ring of glowing blue lights inside. “Got a few mods back in the day. Blinged out my valve and my spike.”

“Spike?”

Another micro-transformation, and suddenly Noah was looking at the biggest dick he’d ever seen. It was metal as well, made up of tiny, interlocking plates, and a double row of blue lights decorated the underside from root to tip.

“Wait, you’ve got a dick and a vag?” Was all Noah could think to say.

“Yes?” Mirage seemed amused. “Doesn’t everybody?”

“Uh, no. Humans generally have one or the other.”

“Huh, weird.” Mirage looked at Noah expectantly. “Well. I showed you mine. Aren’t you going to show me yours?”

Which was how Noah ended up standing naked in front of the robot that was both his car and his best friend. His dick was semi-hard, probably from embarrassment, and he shivered slightly in the cool air of the garage.

“It does look a lot like a spike.” Mirage commented. He reached forward and ran the pad of one enormous finger down Noah’s length. When the human shivered this time, it wasn’t due to the cold. “But fuzzy. And what’re these?” He gently prodded Noah’s balls.

“Hey, careful with those.” Noah flinched backwards. “They’re balls, and they’re delicate.”

“Weird.” Mirage said again. He used his thumb and forefinger to give the dangling sack a soft squeeze. “Squishy.”

Noah let out a soft moan, which cut off abruptly in surprise. The two stared at eachother for a moment.

“Oh, you like that?” A shit-eating grin spread across Mirage’s face as he did it again, before running his fingers up to the tip of Noah’s dick. Which was now completely hard and standing at attention. “Want more?”

Suddenly, Noah did. It had been awhile since he’d had a good fuck. But then there was the real question: was he about to fuck a giant alien robot?

Apparently, he was. Though he wasn’t entirely sure how that was going to work. “Uh. Not sure how anything is going to fit.” Because Noah was far too small to do anything for Mirage, and there was no way the mech’s anything was going to fit into his human friend.

Mirage let out a thoughtful hum, “You sure you don’t have a valve?”

“Pretty sure. Closest thing I’ve got is-“ Noah turned around and bent over slightly. He’d bottomed more than once in play, but he was no size queen. There was no way Mirage’s enormous spike was going in him.

Fortunately, Mirage seemed to come to the same conclusion. But then, he stuck out his smallest finger and gave Noah a significant look.

Oh, okay. That actually might work. Except-

“Wait, wait wait.” Noah snatched up his pants. That finger was absolutely not going inside of him dry. “Let me just- We need lube.”

“You don’t make your own?” Mirage questioned.

“Not from there, no. I’ll be right back-“ Noah tugged on his pants and ran out of the garage, heading for his room. There was a half-full bottle helpfully sitting on his nightstand. Snatching it up, Noah hustled back to the garage.

Inside, he found Mirage leaning back and lazily stroking his spike. Root to tip, root to tip, his fingers slowly squeezed and rubbed. He looked up when Noah opened the door. “Got it?”

“Yeah.” Noah held up the bottle and shucked his pants again. With practiced fingers, he squirted out a generous helping and bent over slightly to prepare himself. It had been awhile, and he was tight.

When Noah thought he was ready (or, ready as he’d ever be), he handed the bottle over to Mirage. It looked comically small, pinched between the mech’s thumb and forefinger. “Use that. Lots of it.”

Mirage dutifully emptied the rest of the bottle over his pinkie finger, then tossed it aside and leaned forward. With his clean hand, he scooped up Noah and settled the human in his lap. Fortunately, by this time, Noah was rather used to being picked up unexpectedly by giant robots and laid himself over Mirage’s thigh. Head down, ass up.

No matter how prepared he thought he was, Noah still tensed up when that large, wet digit began to probe at his entrance. It pushed its way in slowly, wiggling past the first tight ring of muscle. Noah took a few deep breaths and tried to relax, though he still let out a shocked grunt when Mirage’s finger finally popped in.

“Slowly, slowly.” Noah arched his back and tried to get used to the stretch. Mirage’s finger wasn’t much like any dick he had taken, being rather hard and made of metal. His muscles clenched around the intrusion, encountering no give in response.

Mirage crooked his finger a little, rubbing against Noah’s prostrate and wringing a moan from the human.

“Oh, is that a sweet spot?” Mirage grinned and did it again, rocking his finger in and out slowly.

Noah rocked with that movement, his dick rubbing against a seam on Mirage’s armor. “Unh, yeah. That feels good.”

“And if I go a little faster?” Mirage sped up the movement, a wet squelch coming from every thrust. Lube spattered against Noah’s thighs and puddled on the floor.

“Shit, Mirage!” Though Noah had been cold when he first stripped, now he was anything but. Cybertronians were warm to the touch, but Mirage’s armor felt cool against Noah’s forehead. He was burning up, the fire burning in his belly spreading through his body.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Mirage’s free hand rubbed up and down Noah’s spine, sending tingles through his body. Then one giant finger went up to rub the human’s hair. “You humans are so furry, it’s weird.”

“Don’t-“ Noah gasped.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make fun while you’re fucking me.” Noah’s fingers curled into a gap in Mirage’s armor, brushing the wiring underneath.

Mirage’s big thigh shuddered underneath him, and the mech made an approving noise. “Only if you do that again.”

Was this what a Cybertronian found arousing? Having their wiring played with? Noah obligingly dug his fingers deeper, hoping to god that Mirage didn’t shift and crush his hand.

“Yeah, that’s the stuff.” Mirage encouraged him, stretching his leg out a little more. Electricity crackled over his plating, sending zaps like static up Noah’s arm and making his hair stand on end.

The surge went straight to his dick which, if possible, became even harder. Noah rocked his hips more insistently, his dick sliding against the smooth plating of Mirage’s inner thigh. Another electrical surge came, and Noah came with it. He shuddered, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he erupted all over Mirage’s plating. When he came to, the finger had been removed from his ass and Mirage’s messy hand was helping hold him up.

“So, I take it you enjoyed that?” Mirage asked in his smarmy way.

“Yeah, yeah.” Noah panted, waiting for his legs to stop shaking and support his weight again. “It was pretty good.”

“Best you ever had, I bet.” Mirage said with absolutely no shame at all.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Noah wiped his mouth and stood, looking down at the mess of cum dripping down Mirage’s thigh.

“You can clean that up later.” Mirage spread his legs a little wider. “But now, I think it’s my turn.”

“Your turn.” Noah looked at his friend’s intimate bits, trying to figure out exactly how he was going to do that. “Hmm.”

He rubbed hand over Mirage’s valve, circling the glowing node at the top curiously. That got him a gasp, an encouraging sign. Moving lower, Noah slid his hand inside and rubbed against the glowing lights there.

“Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.” Mirage put a giant hand on Noah’s back and pushed him a little more firmly against his crotch.

Noah was shoved deeper, until his arm was buried up to his shoulder. The inside of Mirage’s valve was hot and wet, squeezing around his arm with rings of something like muscle. It was nothing like Noah’s previous experiments with fisting. It was more like he was artificially inseminating a cow or something.

Okay, not a mental image he needed in his brain while doing this. Noah formed his hand into a fist and pulled his arm out before thrusting it back in. With his other hand, he toyed with the lights decorating Mirage’s spike. He had no hope of actually wrapping a hand around the appendage, but hopefully the biolights there were as sensitive as the one on his valve.

His guess must have been correct, because Mirage’s engine turned over with a rumble, vibrating Noah’s arm as though he had stuck it under the mech’s hood. “That feeling pretty good?”

“Pit yes, don’t stop!” Mirage cried, heels sliding against the concrete floor of the garage with an ugly scraping sound. The many interlocking armor plates that covered his frame shifted and flared, vents dumping heat from his frame. There was a glow coming from his chest, from the plate that Noah knew covered the mech’s spark.

More zaps of static arced over Mirage’s frame, and all of the hair on Noah’s body stood on end as the energy traveled up his arm. Noah sent up a brief prayer that this wouldn’t end with him getting electrocuted. Or burned, as Mirage was getting alarmingly hot from his ministrations.

“Right there!” Mirage’s hand pushed on him more insistently, and Noah ended up pressed up against the mech’s soft valve.

Mirage’s glowing node was right next to his face. Noah regarded it for a moment, wondering if the copious amounts of lubricant covering the two of them would wreak havoc on his digestive system.

Deciding that the risk was worth it, Noah wrapped his mouth around the node and sucked. It was like licking a live wire, and his tongue and lips almost immediately went numb. But the way that Mirage shook underneath him, soft whines falling from his lips, was reward enough.

Noah kept himself moving. One arm pistoning in and out of Mirage’s valve, the other rubbing up and down his spike, and his mouth licking at that sensitive node.

“Primus, Noah!” Mirage threw his head back and screamed, back impacting the wall of the garage and cracking the concrete. Electricity arced over his frame like lightning, and Noah was quick to pull back just in case. He really didn’t want to get electrocuted.

An orgasm in a Cybertronian was apparently a whole production. Clear, thick lubricant gushed from Mirage’s valve, while a silver fluid like cum shot from his spike. It spurted all over Noah, coating him from head to toe. Though it tingled slightly, it didn’t seem to be corrosive or otherwise poisonous (thank god.)

“Slag-“ Mirage breathed out, frame going limp. The zaps of energy died out, and the flaring of his spark dimmed back to normal levels. “Slag. That was good. You aren’t bad at that, Noah.”

“Gee, thanks.” Noah held up his arms, watching the silver cum drip down onto the floor.

Mirage snorted, which progressed into a full on laugh. As Noah watched, the mech slumped against the wall with wheezing laughter. “Ahaha, Primus. Noah, you look- you’re covered.”

“I noticed.” Noah responded drily. “Now, you gonna help me clean up?”

Fortunately, there was a hose in the garage. And though it didn’t have hot water, the coolness was refreshing against his heated skin. Mirage helpfully scrubbed him down with a rag, making sure all the robot cum was out of his hair and washed from his back. Dirty water ran down his legs and swirled around the drain. Noah made sure to wash out his butt as well, shivered as the cold water invaded his innards.

“You know, I never a thought a human would be so good at this.” Mirage commented as he turned the hose onto himself, sluicing away the mess on his thighs. “Had practice before?”

“Not on a robot.” Noah located a towel and rubbed at his hair. “But with human guys, yeah.”

“Human guys.” Mirage snorted. “Well, you won’t need them anymore.”

Noah cocked an eyebrow and put his hands on his hips. “Yeah? Am I not allowed to have boyfriends now?”

“You’ve got me.” Mirage reached out to poke Noah in the chest. “You’ve been inside me, man. In every way that matters. That makes us bros. No, more than bros. We’re-“ He struggled for a moment, obviously trying to find the words in human language. “We’re like, Endura.”

“Well, if you can do that again, I might consider it.” Noah grinned. “Cause I gotta admit, that was pretty good. I won’t be opposed to discovering more.”

Mirage grinned. “I think I can do that.”

@secretsolenoid-revived

[stingandsnoutbindery]

Advent Anthology by @pacific-rimbaud

A Compilation of PR's one-shot entries for DHr Advent, years 2020-2022.

Fandom: Harry Potter

Relationship: Draco Malfoy x Hermione Granger

Art by the wonderful @chestercompany

My binderary baby and second fanbinding project.

read below the cut for the process and other binding deets.

Quick Specs

20,015 words | 179 pages | Quarto (1/4 of Letter)

Technique: Flatback bradel Title & Body Font: Libre Baskerville (in various style emphasis)

Fics included:

Les Pelerins (10k; 2020 entry)

I'm Never Lonely When I'm With You (5k; 2021 entry)

On The Virtues of Inexhaustible Burning (5k; 2022 entry)

Pac is the type I could trust to write anything and I know I'll absolutely love. Her advent fics, in particular, I especially adore. The writing is very visceral and I will not admit how many times I've reread these.

On The Book

I had not intended to bind any book/s for @renegadepublishing's binderary because of my hectic schedule, however FOMO won over and this book was born. It was a relatively quick design and typeset (I really do better under pressure lol). I wish I could say the same for when I started the actual binding though. This is the 8th book I’ve bound and I had expected it to go relatively smoothly, but this book fought me every step of the way and I'll indulge in expressing my distress on this post.

First, the print place I go to messed up my typeset, thus me having to travel back home to use our old crappy inkjet (that took 3 hours to print). And because said printer is crappy, I had to use 100gsm short grain to minimize show-through, and well, you can imagine how stick straight the pages are. Second, I made the case too small (I worked on the book after a toxic 12 hour lab day and was not in the right state) and instead of redoing the covers, I re-trimmed and repainted the fore edge (at cost of my lovely margins ..wails). Third & last, the vinyl refused! to stick to the cover and I proper burnt the HTV as well as my finger on my iron. In the book's defense, it was my first time using leather paper and I forgot to test their chemistry.

On The Bind

Everything else went swimmingly, aforementioned shit aside. I tried not to make this book scream Christmas and leaned into a more subtle theme through color choices. I finally got to use this lovely red leather paper from Itoya, which my parents bought me during their trip in Japan. Many thanks to @celestial-sphere-press for helping me out with the shops to visit!

The design cover was made on Illustrator. The words are actually the fic prompts which I arranged in concentric circles, inspired by the arrangement of the advent candles in our local church from years back. I have no idea what paper my print place used, but it has some nice pulp to it.

As I said, I melted the HTV and certain parts refused to stick, so I peeled all of it off, except for the spine title (which miraculously stuck) and used my foil quill pen instead. I used an off-brand one and it's really good!

I also did this sort of strip across the edge which I learned is called a "river" as Nic @bindsbymunchkin called it. The side near the spine though, looked asymmetrically empty, so I added the foiling. And as this is an anthology, the punctuations was a design choice to convey the start and end and pauses in-between stories (and mostly because they just look fancy lol).

Like my last bind, the edges are gold which is comprised of an undercoat of diluted dark gray Sakura acrylic paint and many layers of Liquitex iridescent gold acrylic ink.

Endbands are made with alternating colors of cream, gray, and gold DMC cotton threads, however I'm learning I don't very much like how sewn endbands look on small flatbacks.

The endpapers are my fave. I had already tipped in plain cream cardstock but then I was like: this book needs MARBLED PAPER! so I ripped off the one I had stuck and replaced it. It's actually not real marbled paper HAHA. I sourced it from this site, printed it on some heavy paper, and oh my god I believe the universe really meant for me to find this pattern because it coincidentally matched the colors of the endbands!!

On The Typeset

I wanted to keep things cohesive but also give each story its own character. Libre Baskerville was a lovely typeface to do that on.

From left to right: Les Pelerins, I'm Never Lonely When I'm With You, On The Virtues of Inexhaustible Burning

For Les Pelerins, I wanted to mimic the silhouette of the establishments in Montmartre, hence the varying heights of the letters. If I wasn’t on a time crunch, I would’ve spent more time editing the headers but alas this is what we get. INLWIWY is more straightforward– a pinecone, which was a recurring theme in the story. And I think OTVOIB is my favorite. I drew tiny gold cracks onto the coal rock which is a significant element in the story. It still gives me that stomach flip whenever I reread it (iykyk).

[astroismypassion]

Hi! Good morning or good evening!

I was curious, who is your favorite celebrity couple, and do you have more than one?

Personally, mine is Lionel Messi (Sun in Cancer) and Antonella Roccuzzo (Sun in Pisces).

I love that they are childhood sweethearts.

I'm also biased as I'm a Sun in Pisces and love cancer placements, and for the most part, get along incredibly well with them.

Have a great and fantastic day!

Hi,

oh there are a few. Some of them already broke up though. Believe it or not I quite enjoyed celebrity couples who had also 8th house overlay in synastry somewhere in there.

Similarly, like you mentioned with your preferencce for Cancer Pisces, I like Taurus Sun Cancer Sun couples. That's why I always loved Megan Fox (Taurus Sun) and Brian Austin Green (Cancer Sun) together. I think he has a Capricorn Moon, which I love, it gives perhaps a tad more stable energy than a regular Cancer haha you know. But yeah, he had Taurus 8th house, which makes sense. I think it was already so long that they lasted, it was admirable how long they were together and the family they created, which I think is rather big. But also just the fact that when they were raising children, they were really private about their life, there wasn't much press about the two at the time.

Then I also liked Emma Stone (Scorpio Sun) and Andrew Garfield (Leo Sun), they actually have really good compatibility, despite Scorpio Leo Sun "clash". But then again Andrew Garfield has Scorpio over the 8th house and Pluto in the 8th, I think too, but I would have to double check that Pluto.

I liked Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, which I honestly thought will be the longest Hollywood marriage in history. It sad how it ended like that and so abruptly. Which got me thinking, whether Aries Moons are "fated" to be single parents or witness violence in the family circle. It's really worrisome. Honestly, I often hear the most outrageous stories about how family life really was years after by or from Aries and Scorpio Moons.

And now just recently, Sofia Vergara (Cancer Sun) and Joe Manganiello (Capricorn Sun), now that came as a shocker. Because, just strictly astrologically speaking, they have a bomb compatibility. Like you would imagine these two being together 10+ years. So I thought there will be a longer marriage due to really good compatibility.

I also liked some others, that was better for the both parties to end probably, but I kind of liked Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber, but also Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. I think they made sense together, even though they were different, but I guess there were a lot of ego clashes, due to 8th house synastry in both cases and it seemed like it was wiser to break up for both parties.

I think the example you have is really good actually! Pisces and Cancer Suns are so often each other's first love yeah.

This was a really interesting question that really got me thinking.

@astroismypassion

[leqclerc]

glad some people are actually taking this lewis' move to ferrari in serious perspective, because when the tifosi hype has died down in which way this situation favours both of them, (if like me you're a fan of both, and i've seen many being over the moon happy about it)

Both drivers deserve the priority treatment, Lewis because it's him, the man has not stop fighting ever since he stepped into a f1 car and Charles because he picked up all the pieces of this team and put them back together by himself. They're both great racers, Charles has no rival in quali and while his race craft has improved massively and it's great to me Lewis still has the edge there, but they're probably on a similar level, so you can't base who's your main focus. So what Ferrari should do in a situation where the car is a good one and both drivers have a good feel for it; it's stupid asking to lean one or the other way without hurting the other guy, who (as a fan) wants this truly? I'd pay good money for them having a go at eachothers (in diff teams because you'll get a real fight, a fair one)

Also people speculating this is Lewis' path to retirement, and why should he make the move of the century of his own volition just to retire? Be serious. If he wanted to hang his helmet he would have stayed at merc, comfortable with his own people. A move to Ferrari is not like a move to any other team, this one comes with a lot of baggage and weight to it, it's not your last stop; the man wants a new chance to fight and he saw something in the scuderia. And why shouldn't Ferrari get that 8th with Lewis, biggest achievement in f1 history, why shouldn't them make Lewis their king?

Then you have Charles, the teams owes him a lot, he just signed a nobody knows how many years life contract with his dream team despite them fucking up on every side, he stays and against all odds grew up to be one hell of a driver, highly regarded by everyone in the paddock. He got one taste at a championship winning car and he was running circle around everyone, than Ferrari took it away. We got rid of Binotto, we got rid of the real spanish plague, we said this one is our guy. Ferrari should give this boy a car!

So tell me who in their right mind see this as a good situation in 2025, if you like both it's a lose lose one, but even from an external eye tbh, that's a ticking bomb

Hi!

You're right, it's tough. Obviously the hype is in its zenith right now, this is a huge move, everyone's discussing it and picking it apart, etc. But ah, I just. Putting two guys together who have proven to be very hungry and who very obviously gave their own goals and ambitions is...playing with fire. It could be great, it could be the best thing Ferrari's ever seen. But also, this is why when all those discussions of "oh I'd love to see [peak] Seb paired with Lewis at Mercedes/Ferrari" or "put Max and Lewis into one team so we can 'settle' this once and for all" sprung up, the conclusion was generally that they're great where they are, putting them together will be potentially disastrous.

If Lewis left Mercedes, a team he's been with for 11 years (!!!!!) for Ferrari in this way (strange atmosphere, must've been dissatisfied/unfulfilled in some way, rumours of a falling out) then clearly he must've seen something enticing in Ferrari. I have to say I think this is his last hurrah, the last team he will compete with in his F1 career, which is why it's this team of all teams. But even though his career is likely coming to a close, you can't discredit him, you can't just assume he'll be happy for the team to maybe potentially win a WCC in his time. Lewis winning an eight with Ferrari would be seismic and I think they both realize that. If Ferrari truly has championship potential in the near future, no way he's not going to go for it. Even the fan/journalist response... it's all about The Eighth In Red now, that's all people want to see. But equally, this is everything Charles has worked towards his entire life, he's not going to give up on that without a fight either. And that has the potential to get really messy.

It's just so weird, every time you think "okay this is it, they're throwing their weight behind Charles 100% now" they do something that is just so ??????????????? Idk feels like no matter the outcome someone's not going to get what they want out of this. It's just, again, Charles has way more to lose in all of this. Lewis has had a very successful, well-rounded career, whether he achieves success with Ferrari or not. It's like the cherry on the cake, but the cake has seven layers already and I'm sure it tastes damn good. Objectively it's a very intriguing move—I just kind of wish it wasn't happening during Charles's prime time at the team, basically.

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/758357268754513921/httpswwwtumblrcomyouremyheaven75827179373789

omg in my experience honestly men don’t stick around though?? there are some weird people who stick it out even after saying no but yeah you’re right its kinda icky knowing he talked about you with his friends like that 😭😭

i think my issue is i can date someone people consider conventionally ugly but i cannot date people who have an ugly character yk? might be a little weird but im very sure i remember someone close to me with an 8th house stellium but i might have to find who… i just know there’s depth (obviously) to these people but also there are certain things they do that make me go a little 😶 and i genuinely dislike mean people so much so even with a little thing like that i have this split moment of get OUT of my life but im usually okay after that just weird around them

i have a scorpio stellium though which might not be the exact same but i really value my privacy//im not hiding anything, its just that the intimacy and the emotional aspect attached to tbise things is too much. i love intimacy and genuine connections with friends and ive never been desperate to have a boyfriend (my entire childhood friend group and almost all friends were talking about wanting a boyfriend publicly and now they got one months later but yes anyway) i just value those connections just as much as romantic relationships so the hiding things aspect plays out even in friendships and family matters, which makes me seem so secretive but im not!! its just too close to my heart

could be different with everyone idk but sometimes i think the hidden things are not as hidden, and his friends and family probably have experienced this 8th house stellium in the way it manifests with nakshatras and everything.

- mother anon 💗

"omg in my experience honestly men don’t stick around though?? there are some weird people who stick it out even after saying no but yeah you’re right its kinda icky knowing he talked about you with his friends like that 😭😭"

anybody's who's ever pursued me has been persistent as hellll for YEARS or they just stay in my life as my "friends" and "acquaintances" 😭since this is my only experience of reality, idk what to say about that :/// I guess I have Saturn aspects with those people (I'm currently in my Saturn dasha) and that's also perhaps why they stick around for long.

its not that HE spoke about me to others, its that him and his guy friends were all collectively thirsting over me 😭😭idk if he said that as a compliment or whatever??? but i got the ick 😭because it felt like it was a competition between him and them of whether or not he could "score" me 😭ive dated people in the past who told me that their friends thought they could never "get with me" and i understand that friends talk about this kinda stuff and its "normal" but i get the ick from knowing that people are talking about me like im an object they're trying to acquire 🤢🤢🤮like SHUT UP

arm guy also values personality a lot i think 🤔

he's extremely close to his friends and family 🥺🥺like his family knows all of his friends and they all get along with each other, and its this super close many years long bond that they all have<3🥺i think only his inner circle gets to see that side of him 🥺cant wait to find out more hehe

thanks for telling me mami <333 hope u have a good week ahead of u<3

[silvershadow989]

Right right okay so, I had a dream about HoB vs The Elite feud and --

(In this dream Revolution was middle of March instead, March 18th to be exact.)

Rampage happens on the 24th Feb, and the Bucks have their match against Aussie Open. Middle of the match, lights go out, come back on after a few seconds - HoB are on the outside. Aussie open use this too their advantage and pin Matt. They then skedaddle out as Kenny comes down the ramp, followed by Don and Nak.

Once the Elite are in the ring HoB climb in, almost circling them and leaving them back to back pretty much. Malakai talks about how there's a parasite in AEW, on that's been around outstayed it's welcome. The parasite is the elite, and HoB are the ones who will save AEW. They all stop circling. Julia's in front of Matt. The crowd go silent as Malakai get's in Kenny's face.

Nick dart's infront of Matt and get's the mist to the face. Matt catches him as he falls back yelling and Kenny is torn between getting back in Malakai's face and checking on Nick.

HoB leave, their work temporarily done. The Elite follow after, Matt and Kenny supporting Nick.

BTE is interesting that Monday, Nick's weirdly quiet, stays in the background, never looks the camera head on. Matt, Kenny and Brandon have a discussion about how he's doing other weird things too - watching Matt sleep, snapping at Kenny ect. Brandon forgets to turn the camera off.

March 1st Dynamite. There's a backstage segment that have Matt and Kenny raging over their gear going missing and locker room being trashed. Matt asks Nick (who was in the room when it happened) what happened and Nick just shrugs. He's got light purple all around his eyes and across his nose. It looks like he's been punched in the face.

They have a match that Rampage - against the local jobbers. Matt get's the Meltzer Driver set up. Nick doesn't take it though. He just sits on the top rope, looking up the ramp.

Malakai's stood there watching. Kenny has to use the One Winged Angel to win.

Nick's not in the next BTE. Matt's noticably stressed the entire video but pretends nothing's wrong.

He keeps pretending until March 8th Dynamite, when he's attacked in the ring by his little brother. HoB are also there, targeting Kenny and restraining Brandon.

But Nick's focused on Matt. The purple has darkened too black now, and his eyes seem hollowed out. Like he's a puppet. A puppet that's trying to choke him.

Again, Hanger has to save them. HoB backs off, but Nick's still in the ring. Staring Adam down. Malakai whistles and Nick backs off.

The House Of Black have Nick now.

Adam leaves the ring afterwards, he's still in shock, and looking at Kenny makes his head hurt. Matt and Kenny are left to limp out by themselves.

Nick has a match against a jobber that Rampage. He decimates them. Matt is watching on a moniter, eyes suspiciously teary.

(This is where my memory gets patchy and I can't remember the details but-)

Nick has three more singles matches before Revolution. Matt and Kenny have a tag match or two. The Nick situation is a looking shadow.

The Revolution match is set to be Matt vs Nick. If Matt wins, HoB will release Nick. If Nick wins, well, he'll belong to the House. Like Julia.

It's a tense match. 40 minutes. Both are bleeding by the end but it's Matt's wrist raised. Kenny joins him in the ring to celebrate, giving the still lying Nick a wide berth when HoB attack them. Properly.

Starts a feud that lasts 'till Double Or Nothing. Adam joins the Elite *temporarily* to boost their numbers. HoB almost mist him too. They miss.

Malakai spends a lot of time taunting Kenny about how horrible he used to be, how he was so bad that a certain former tag partner couldn't stand him.

Matt keeps finding pictures of Nick - face covered in blood, eyes glassy and dazed from the concussion Matt gave him when he dropped him on the ramp - everywhere, it's tearing him apart.

Nick clams up, won't talk to anyone, insists he doesn't remember anything. The far-away gaze and the way he flinches when someone says his name suggest otherwise.

Meanwhile the BCC spent the time between March and May dragging Bryan back into the fold and making sure he stays put. They have their eyes set on the trio's champions as well, seeing it as easy pickings due to Matt, Nick and Kenny being so distracted.

They have their match, just before Double Or Nothing. HoB interfere, leading to a disqualification for BCC. Mox is mad about it. Tony gives him BCC vs HoB vs The Elite for DoN.

The match is carnage.

Then I woke up so I don't know who won. Feel free to guess though!!

[amyintherapy]

Embodying Feelings & Disassociation

Trigger warning: There will be brief mention of self harm and sexual abuse in this post.

I started therapy for the first time at the end of 8th grade. I was 13. I got pretty lucky and was a good match with my first therapist. Still, it took me a while to start to really open up to him about the hard stuff. I want to say that it was probably at least six months before I told him about my sexual abuse. I don't know when I told him about my experiences with disassociation, but I remember it being extremely hard to tell him, similar to the SA info. At the time, I had heard of PTSD, but I knew of it as something soldiers get from witnessing war. I knew it could make veterans react to fireworks as if they were bombs, but that was about all I knew about it, from what I recall. I had no idea what else could 'cause' it - if anything, or what the symptoms really were. I had never heard of disassociation.

So, when I'd get really triggered and felt like I was watching myself from up in the clouds...I thought this was something similar to a delusion or hallucination. I worried it might be something like schizophrenia that I was experiencing. As a result, it was a super scary thing to share. But I did, and he explained what disassociation was. When I was later referred out for diagnosis and meds, I was diagnosed with PTSD with features of depersonalization and derealization. I think I was 14 then.

So, I've been familiar with disassociation for a long time now. I don't know exactly when, but somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn't just when I felt like I was watching myself (which has always been a fairly rare occurrence for me), but also when I felt numb and disconnected from myself, which I experience more often. I started self-harming really young, and cutting in middle school and throughout most of high school. I don't remember when I realized that cutting was something that could take me out of disassociation. I think it was before I really knew what disassociation was, I just knew it helped me to sort of come out of the "frozen depression" type feeling. After a few years of therapy as a teen I was able to stop cutting. My mental health was in a better place, I had gained some coping skills, I hated myself less, etc. But I'd still disassociate at times, and I didn't know how to get rid of it other than to wait it out. So that's what I've done for years now when I've experienced it. And that's been okay, but I'd rather be able to "snap out of it" if I could. So, a recent experience that I had feels like a big deal.

For 2 or 3 weeks I was stuck in disassociation. My mind kept circling back to stuff related to identifying as being emotionally neglected. So I knew that was the cause somehow. Yet, I wasn't really feeling much. I was kind of numb emotionally and physically, while my mind felt extra hyperactive. I was making a lot of realizations in my head, but they didn't feel true, at the same time. I think most people have experiences like this. Examples might be...logically I know if I make a mistake, that is just me being human and is not a good reason for anyone to hate me. Yet when I make a mistake that impacts someone I care about, I still can't help but FEEL like they might hate me now, even though logically I know that isn't likely. Or, logically I know that the odds that a sound I just heard outside at midnight were likely a racoon or something...but I can't help but feel worried that it's a "bad guy". I have plenty of discrepancies between my logical and emotional brains that I've just kinda learned to live with for the most part. But over this few week period, I was changing my perspective of my childhood logically, but not emotionally, and that disconnect was new for me in this specific area. I felt sort of stuck, unable to continue processing these pieces of my childhood because my brain and my emotions/feelings were so far apart. Both of my therapists do some somatic work, but our couples counselor (who we basically see for 'regular' therapy that we just do together vs stereotypical couples counseling) does a lot more with us that is somatic. Nearly every session we have with our couples therapist he'll try to help us embody our feelings about something. I find it awkward, emotionally draining and sometimes embarassing - but it also feels quite powerful. He's also really into AEDP therapy, which is a type of therapy that talks about disassociation/numbing, etc as a defense from feeling a core feeling. For those reasons, I thought that speaking with our couples therapist about this might be a better fit than my 'main' therapist who I see weekly and therefore just have a deeper relationship with. During the appointment I explained my dissociation, sense of being kinda stuck or frozen, and how I knew it was related to processing being emotionally neglected, but how when I talk about it I wasn't feeling any feelings. It was all 'in my head' and not 'in my heart'. There was this big disconnect. He agreed with my assessment that I had unresolved/unfelt feelings. I don't remember exactly how we got there, but he asked me some questions that led to me sharing a specific phrase that I remember being said to me as a kid. "What the hell were you thinking?" It was phrased as a question rather than a statement, but I wasn't expected to actually answer the question. At times, I thought I had good reason for doing whatever I did, and I would have liked to explain, as it felt like they were assuming the worst possible intentions, which weren't my actual attentions at all. But I felt like I couldn't respond as it would just upset them more. Even though it was a question, responding would be taken as 'talking back'. He took the implied answer, and asked me what my first thought would be today if someone told me "you're stupid."

Honestly? My knee-jerk response is "....yeah."

Having to admit that out loud brought the emotions. Tightness in my chest, burning behind both ears, anxiety, a little anger, and some sadness. A few tears. The therapist told me to try to relax my body and let it out. I tried, but only managed a couple more tears. He had me turn to my partner and try to express to him what it felt like as a kid to have things like that said to me. This brought emotion up again. It's so hard to even look at him when I'm on the edge of spilling over with my emotions. He is such a safe person to me, that just seeing him tears down all my defenses. Although the whole point of this appointment was to try to drag out emotion...the parts of me that try to avoid it are so strong. I struggled to look at him, and it took me a while to find words to try to explain. But I did...and I collapsed into his chest and really cried. It didn't feel good, of course. But I felt so much lighter after this, and I had this sense of unthawing and waking up. I had never experienced disassociation being removed that quickly in any way besides self harm before. It was really cool.

Longterm, I want to learn how to push myself through 'exercises' like this so that I can try to do this on my own. But it was really cool to see that even if I currently need assistance from a therapist to get myself to 'go there' right now, that I seem to have found a tool to move through disassociation now. I am back to feeling like myself which is awesome, but I also have made big jumps in how I'm perceiving my childhood now. The idea that I was neglected doesn't just seem like something I logically believe, I FEEL like it's true now. And I've jumped a step farther ahead, realizing I was actually emotionally abused as well - and that feels true, too. As I said in a previous post, I kinda knew that I tend to make big growth after coming out of disassociation, so I was hopeful I'd be seeing growth soon...but it's really cool that I have.