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ofrolysdogs · 2 years

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Trouble Trio Toxic Boyfriend Headcanons.

I had plans on doing something like this a while back, and now I managed to get some motivation! this authors note is rather short, some characters are ooc af so sorry I guess??... also, I did not proofread this so spelling errors are gonna come up.

tw; manipulation, cheating, body shaming, mental abuse, emotional abuse, (slight) physical abuse,

phinks

let's start with the easier ones first, this guy is the type to be with you for years while still looking for the love of his life, giving you the lover title with little true attraction or he's the type to keep doing you dirt but no matter what you still stick by his side, so he keeps cheating, lying and abusing you until he hits your breaking point and then you officially leave.

the toxicity starts after your first time having sex, hell in the beginning he plays as this big sweetheart, you laugh together, go out together and everything just seems so perfect until it gets to sex, he becomes a completely different person.

he'll flirt with every person under the sun but don't you dare look at someone else for more than a second..

uses the "men by nature are polyamorus" argument, a bit of it is ironic and unironic.

you're gonna get a couple of "hey girly..." or "I'm coming to you as a woman..." texts here and there just letting you know ...

wants to see your phone but doesn't let you see his. (he probably has a couple sneaky links you don't know about)

secretive about the dumbest shit, "why do you wanna look in my closet, dumb bitch?"

I don't see him as the type to be physically abusive (getting your ass beat by the second strongest PT member???? you gotta be shitting me) but mentally and emotionally? absolutely.

if you manage to catch his phone and scan through the texts between him and someone else he'll tell you that it's your fault for putting off sex and you shouldn't blame him for looking elsewhere. "well I mean ... we haven't done anything in months, what do you expect me to do??"

okay enough cheating shit, he's overall a shit boyfriend, you two argue a lot but he gives you gifts and takes you to nice places to keep up the relationship.

brags to his comrades on how he's got a baddie on his arm, doesn't even see you as human, just a toy he can show off to others until he gets bored of you.

when his friends are around he treats you like an afterthought but when he does acknowledge your existence it's to make jokes about you, like "you guys want me to tell the story about how this dumb bitch fell in the shower and almost broke her back?"

the last straw will either you seeing him in bed with someone else or you finally having enough and realizing you are worth much better, he'll convince you that he'll change for the better but by this point you've heard it time and time again and it's gotten so old and tiring, so by this point you're gone for good.

shalnark

oh this one's fun! he looks cute right? wrong!

he's a lovebomber, he'll tell you that you are the most beautiful person he's ever met and how he's so lucky to have a person like you until.... guess what? you give up the sex! everything changes from there.

he likes other peoples pictures on Instagram to make you jealous but if you even think about scanning through someone else's page he'll block them through your account (he has your password but you don't have his). the people he likes usually has features that you don't have, like if you have a big nose they have a small button nose.

if you call him out on this he'll hit you with the "I like everything on my feed, no big deal" or just straight up tell you that it's not what it seems even though the girl is half naked and you can lowkey see her areola because the bra is too small for her.

you want to post scantily clad photos too? mmmm... nope! he'll demand you to delete the photo on some fake possessive type shit. "because I should be the only one to see you like that, not the world."

he'll compare you to others, "why can't you be like them?" and he'll even point out you gaining weight jokingly. "getting a little big aren't we?" of course you grow insecure about these comments because he's just a shithead like that.

when you both out with friends (most likely his) he'll treat you as if you don't exist, but once you find that attention elsewhere that's when he shows up, but it all goes back to him dismissing your complaints and such.

very mentally abusive, his plan is to break you down to where you will depend on him for validation, and once again, you go find that attention elsewhere, he'll convince you to come back to him so that it can "be like the old days.

feitan

the epitome of the "nonchalant bf." you're under the notion that he's not good at expressing his emotions and that he's just mysterious, while a part of that is true it's really mainly because you're just not the one for that, he keeps you around because he likes the attention you give him and it boosts his ego.

because he doesn't speak much you would most likely be the one to initiate things, planning dates and such, that alone should be a reason to not continue anything, but none the less, you do anyways because he's so fucking fine..

now mind you, this guy is canonically a sadist, he has 0 empathy for anyone he tortures, you are the same way, no amount of crying and complaining about his lack of effort in the relationship will get him to change, he'll just stare at you like how he did that one chimera ant queen during her transformation (I don't remember her name sorry). and dare I say he'd probably enjoy it, might even let out a couple of low chuckles, it fuels his ego knowing he has you in that position.

he puts in low effort on purpose because he really isn't into you like that, but he knows you'd give up the world for him, and that's all that matters to him. he's terrible at communicating his feelings to you (remember hes nonchalant) and you are left confused to wether he truly likes you or not, the truth is self gratification comes from you just existing around him and he knows you won't leave, so he'll keep playing these mind games until you eventually do step foot out that door and never turn back.

i don't see him as the type of person to purposely make you jealous or straight up cheat on you, however if he is talking with someone and you get jealous he'll just watch you confront him with a dead straight face. "are you done?" will be his only words.

if you were the one to cheat, say goodbye to your lover for life, he'll kill them right in front of you and watch you cry, he might even kill you for being so annoying with your sobbing.

this is high-key random but imagine cheating on him with hisoka or kurapika.... you're done for 😬 literally.

#hxh #hunter x hunter #toxic headcanons #phinks magcub #shalnark ryusei #feitan portor #toxic phinks #toxic shalnark #toxic feitan #hxh x reader #hxh boyfriend headcanons

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trashcanfanfics · 3 years

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what abt the hh overlords with a Neko girlfriend/ s/o (aka half cat, like she purrs has ears and a tail, claws and all that stuff?)

like u know how cats only accept affection on they're terms? I just think that'd be hilarious

Oh hell yeah, this'll be fun!!

Alastor:

*Litsen, he's a cat person so this suits him just fine

*Loves to pet you and thinks it's funny when you bat at him to stop him from continuing

*Put a cucumber next to you when you weren't looking and laughed his ass off when you turned back to see it and jumped

*Lowkey hates it when you and Husk have silent coversations in the way adult cats do

*You mewed once to get his attention and his heart melted

*When your ears flick around, he immediately goes on alert, Deer Instincts TM activated

*You blink slowly at him sometimes and he does it back

*You two would be cuddling and then he just feels and hears you purr and his smile softens as he closes his eyes in bliss

*Pays attention to your tail movements because it can tell him how you're feeling when he can't see your face

Rosie:

*Likes to give you ear scritches as a hello and praise

*Buys you a collar as a joke

*Doesn't go to you for affection, but waits for you to come around on your own terms

*Accidentally bought catnip grass as an indoor plant

*She asked the store clerk for cat friendly plants and that's what he gave her

*Came home the day after to find you high af

*You were purring and rubbing against her and, well she wasn't going to complain

*Researches things to keep you entertained (tiger enrichment from zoos is what she settled on)

*Keeps her yarn away from you as a precaution

*She knows you aren't a real cat, but still

Valentino:

*Unironically gets you a collar and wants you to wear it

*Calls you all the cat like pet names

*Sometimes introduces you a The Grand Lord Snuffle Muffins the Third as a joke

*You're pissed when people refer to you as that out of no where

*He gets pissed too, he's the only one allowed to tease you about being part cat

*Does all the cat things, laser pointers, cucumbers, catnip, everything

*Records it all too

*Loves to pet you to calm down

*Once he did it while you were taking a nap on the couch and he almost lost a hand

*Tries to purr back at you but it's just him rolling r's

Velvet:

*Bruh she's bacically a catgirl so she'll just bounce off and copy your behavior

*You purr, she purrs

*Also likes recording you being cute for the internet

*You're kneading a soft blanket? Posted with like 50k likes

*A yawn? 100k likes

*The horny responses are taken down...literally

*Pets you and holds you and gives you widdol smooches

*She's a crazy cat lady

*Wants to wear the collar and fake cat ears

*Gets you a collar to match and now you both have maid outfits

*"Say nya!"

Vox:

*"What the fuck is that?"

*He just thought that you were like a mostly human demon?

*Like that IS what you are but there's more???

*Did the laser pointer thing and you broke the wall

*Apologized through his laughter

*Is an asshole so like, expect him to tease and make fun of your cat habits

*Thinks it's hilarious that you and Vark (the shark) are basically fighting over territory

*Valentino tried to get his hands on you and Vox nearly ripped his wings off

*"My kitty"

*He'd hold you like a cat sometimes and pat your belly

#hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x reader #rosie x reader #valentino x reader #velvet x reader #vox x reader #trashcan answers you

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

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Re; Ahsoka and Quinlan being the same age, now I'm picturing Ahsoka, Quinlan, and Rex eventually ending up in a weird sorta thruple where Quinlan comes in and out of the relationship but the door is kinda always open for him? And Rex spends a lot of mornings eyeing the tangle of orange and brown skin on the other side of the bed like he has no idea how he ended up here but he's (mostly) okay with that tbh

Context: Commander Buir in chronological order

YES okay so this is wild to me that people are invested in this but like half the time-travel fics with Ahsoka in the same age-group as Quinlan have me wondering if I should ship them. Let me just. Ho shit.

So, okay, I've explored a lot of possible dynamics but there's something really engaging about how Quinlan, trained as a Shadow before the Sith came back, could react to a War Padawan. Ahsoka isn't really infiltration material yet, she's very much a frontline fighter, but she's got a lot more experience with a kind of consistent dark atmosphere that most Jedi don't. They get exposed to plenty of dark stuff, sure, but not the kind of all-encompassing "this is my life for the last two years" thing that is usually reserved for the long-term field agents like Shadows and Watchmen.

The War Padawans, for all that they were supposed to be just normal Jedi Padawans, were living in the kind of consistently negative environment that's normally experienced by those Knighted Sentinels.

So Ahsoka, while still generally pretty young in these AUs, is a very odd kind of person to be around, because she's spunky and vivacious and snippy and affectionate and snarky and knows how to break every bone in your body from harrowing experience as the only thing standing between death and thousands of brothers.

And Quinlan, I imagine, really likes that about her. She gets it, and she's still an energetic and loving and trying to do her best to be a good person despite everything. He gravitates towards her and she... well, she's not blind. She can tell he's interested. And she's not upset about that.

ANYWAY, ONTO REX

So, Rex is... technically twelve. He hasn't exactly got a whole lot of experience with romance. He is also, up until the point of time-travel, legal property of the Senate and the Jedi Order, which means that Ahsoka, or at least her community, owns him. He was indoctrinated to serve her and that community. She also outranks him, for all that she usually lets him take the lead in the field due to experience. He's older than her physically and maturity-wise, but she's also had a grow-up-faster-than-you-should adolescence, and she has superpowers.

What I'm saying is, the power dynamic is fucked up.

(Unironically I spent hours last night realizing that it balances out a lot more than C*dywan does, which I'm censoring because by god do I not want discourse on this post. I like both ships, and don't want to argue about what's the most problematic. It's Star Wars. The only unproblematic ships are Bail/Breha and Owen/Beru.)

Here's the thing, though, because the main thing people seem to argue here is the age/maturity difference as a problem area:

The age difference in actual time is four years, which is smaller than the two main ships of the franchise (Han/Leia and Padme/Anakin, to be clear). The age difference in maturity is ??? We'll say that the clones started aging normally after they hit twenty, so the age difference in maturity is six years... which is still normal for SW ships.

(This is why I don't have any issues with the ship in a post-O66 context, once they've had a few years to move past the traumas and whatnot. The age stuff all evens out with time, they're a good team, and neither was grooming the other. It's not objectively any more problematic than most SW ships at that point, and I'm okay with that. They deserve to be happy if they want.)

But they get yanked away from all that structure of who owns what, who reports where, who has which rank, who's legally a person in the eyes of the Republic when they end up on Dagobah. Once they've registered when they are, the only remaining complications are:

He grew up in a cultlike environment and was indoctrinated to serve her (but has been replacing that indoctrination with genuine respect and affection for her as a person because they've worked together for two years).

She has superpowers (contextually not a big problem: we see several Force-Sensitive/Non-Sensitive ships that don't consider those powers a complicating element)

He's several years younger than her (canonically less of an issue than it could be: Cut got married and has kids) and has next to no experience with what a normal romance looks like except for hanging out on the edges of whatever the fuck his General has going on with the Senator

She's several years less mature than he is (...something of an issue)

So a lot of this is mostly okay. She feels weird about the fact that she's got more knowledge of romance and all that it entails. He feels weird about the fact that, despite her being older, he looks at her and sees someone that's still a little young, not quite a shiny. Except she is older than him, and he's seen her behead four people in a single move, and they've saved each other's lives more times than either of them can count anymore. He respects her, and the fact that she's babyfaced doesn't change the fact that, in terms of who they are as people and warriors, they're on a level playing field.

She still looks at him and mourns his lost childhood, and he still looks at her and takes a moment to see past the too-big eyes and adolescent proportions.

But they really, really care about each other, and maybe part of them is starting to recognize that there's a bit of a crush before they time-travel, but neither one wants to make a move. There's a lot of baggage on both sides, a lot of "but they're a child" and "but they're (literally vs functionally) below me in the chain of command, I can't take advantage of that" and all that fun stuff. It's the kind of situation where two people circle each other for ages without making a move, because actually making that move is terrifying on account of not knowing whether the other party knows they can say no, on top of the usual "what if it ruins our friendship?" thing.

What happens on Dagobah, though... is very tropey. They're sort of stranded until Ahsoka can fix the ship, and that takes time. The area is also very heavy with the Force, dense and heady with the energy it carries, and it's... actually really not great for Ahsoka. She keeps feeling like she's back on Mortis, and has nightmares from the trigger there, but also keeps hallucinating because she wasn't ready for the thickness of the energy (like Yoda) or still new enough to the Force that she couldn't feel how dense it all was (like Luke). She can't work on the engines as constantly as she'd like to get them out of there, and while Rex is a competent mechanic, he's not as skilled with it as the girl who jumped headfirst into lessons with Anakin.

Rex spends a lot of time holding Ahsoka and wiping her brow with a wet cloth while she's feverish and out of it. Yes we're going full Florence Nightingale romance here, let me have my fun.

They get the communications relay working earlier than the engine, find out the year is wrong, panic a bit. All is well. (It's not, but they're holding it together for now.)

Ahsoka keeps working on the engine when she's lucid. Rex keeps hunting up game and edible plants for them while she does. They cuddle at night, because it's not cold but it is empty of the people they care about, and they kind of want that reassurance of someone they trust and love at their back.

(Morai visits.)

(Daughter shows up in the nightmares, tells Ahsoka that age will not come for her beloved until the time is natural for it. The phrasing is dumb but she does manage to convey that the accelerated aging is no longer an issue, if it even was after they hit adulthood. Ahsoka is relieved.)

And, you know, emotions happen. She takes his hand while they're leaning up against each other. He kisses her forehead while she's having a bad spell. They cook together and tell jokes to keep sane and spar. They hug each other through nightmares and panic attacks. There is much blushing. There is much cuddling.

Once, they kiss.

They break apart, flushing and stammering and being very awkward about the whole thing, and make excuses to leave and panic about the fact that they!! Kissed!!!!!

A couple hours later they find each other again, and have a long and complicated discussion about why they like each other (war makes bedfellows, there's trust and affection and all that fun stuff) and why they're hesitant (age stuff, maturity stuff, prior indoctrination), and make the decision to take it slow. They cuddle, and kiss, and blush a lot because both of them are basically just dumb teens having their first real relationship.

They eventually leave the planet, make it to Coruscant, etc. It takes a bit for anyone except Obi-Wan to realize that something's changed between them. Most people didn't know them before, and Anakin's observation skills are currently at a very low ebb. But they sit together and hold hands, and flirt when they spar, and once or twice people find them kissing (both standard and Keldabe) in a corner while holding hands and then just smiling at each other like loons.

They end up rooming together because nobody has the heart to separate them after hearing about all the war stuff. Like yes attachment's bad, but these two do seem to understand loss of loved ones and recognize that they could lose each other at any time and death is natural and they won't lose their entire shit about it, and if even General Kenobi is anxious as hell about being separated from the people he fought side-by-side with for two years, then maybe it's just... really normal for those two to want each other's company, and everyone can just turn a blind eye to the romance happening.

They share a bed, but they only ever sleep in it. Like, there's some goodnight kisses and cuddles, but everything is very G-rated until they've had time to settle into being true equals instead of just the "well, I guess the power dynamics balance out? Maybe?" of before.

And just... yeah. Rex does not believe that he's in this good of a position whenever he has the time to think about it. He's got a girlfriend! A really pretty, smart, strong, skilled one! Who thinks he's a cool dude! How the fuck did a clone like him manage that? He wasn't even legally a person a year ago, how did he end up in bed with one of the most amazing people he's ever met? He spends multiple nights just staring at her while he tries to fall asleep, asking himself how he got here and just like... marveling at her. She's worth marveling at. He's in love and she's amazing and he has no idea how to handle it at all.

...yeah no I have a lot of feelings now.

#Rexsoka #Ahsoka Tano #Captain Rex #Quinlan Vos #time travel #Commander Buir #Phoenix Posts

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churchyardgrim · 3 years

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I, STRAHD, by P.N. Elrod

[intro post]

rubs my horrible little goblin hands together hello yes it is time

IT IS HALLOWEEN AND IT IS TIME

this book is, unironically, the best thing i've ever read. almost nothing in it was new information to me, bc i was halfway through a CoS campaign at the time, and also Vampire of the Mists gives a pretty comprehensive cliffnotes version

but the important thing is, imo, knowing whats going to happen did not decrease my enjoyment of it one bit. this aint Game of Thrones dear reader! mind-bending twists are not what this book leans on!

there are some significant differences from the (much shorter) account in Vampire of the Mists, but honestly those i can chalk up to Strahd straight up lying in his diary

because yes, this entire book is Strahd's fuckign diary, and its beautiful

we begin our sordid tale with Strahd taking formal possession of Castle Ravenloft, and thus Barovia, with his best friend i mean lover i mean right hand man Alek Gwilym and a handful of other nobles sworn to his service

this is pre-vampire Strahd, but you wouldn't know it from looking at him! the man's an obligate goth and dresses like a depressed raven while everyone else in his family wears colors, for shame, he drinks beef gravy in the mornings instead of coffee, and fuckign bleeds on the foundations of the castle to claim it as his

i shit u not, there's a line that is verbatim "but i like wearing black!" i cannot make this shit up

they've also given him this sliver of dry humor that i fuckign love actually, these tiny little jokes that you don't notice till they're already half out of sight, it's delightful

anyway the book continues on with Strahd complaining about the minutiae of running this country what he worked so hard to get, ferreting out an assassin in his cohort, and starting his charming lil collection of magic spellbooks

three years later and guess who's coming to live with him! baby brother Sergei! baby brother whomst Strahd has never met, bc he left home for The War before Sergei was born lmao

there's also Your Middlest Brother Sturm, who avoided the entire ensuing cockup cascade by virtue of staying home and becoming an accountant. in this house we love and respect Sturm.

but yeah Sergei is this chipper lil golden child, 20ish and slated for priesthood as is tradition, bouncing around Castle Ravenloft being all optimistic and pretty and good at swordfighting and it makes Strahd sick

this man is so jealous of his kid brother you guys. he devotes whole paragraphs of his diary talking about how he's gonna have to start dyeing his hair soon, about how depressed he is by the weight of years wasted by war, about how Sergei is everything he never got the chance to be

just god. christ. get a grip i'm begging you.

and then of course comes the last straw. Sergei, precious lil vanilla bean Sergei, brings home a girl. not just any girl either, no, but the prettiest most empty void of personality that ever had the name Tatyana. Strahd takes one fuckign look at her and is Immediately Obsessed.

this, imo, is the weakest part of the whole story by a country mile. point the first, Tatyana just…. isn't a person. she has barely any lines, takes literally no action anywhere in this mess, and even her physical description is vague and unhelpful. in my brain she looks like Keira Knightly.

and i'm willing to let it slide, by virtue of i'm almost positive this is on purpose. P. N. Elrod is, in fact, a woman (with a very butch author portrait i might add), and she definitely knows what she's doing here. Strahd is a selfish and myopic person, and while he shows no overt misogyny and sure appears to respect the women in his army, all that goes out the window as soon as the woman in question becomes a potential romantic object to him. and given this is his diary we're reading here, unreliable narrator is the name of the game. we only get his perception of Tatyana to go on.

point the second, however, is one i have less tolerance for; Strahd's infatuation with Tatyana is not foreshadowed at all. he bemoans his youth lost to war, and the ever-closer advent of his death, and broody brood goth brood, but at no point does he express any desire for a family. prior to this moment, romance or companionship just do not seem to matter to him. and now they're all he cares about? i think not.

if i were rewriting this for my own nefarious purposes, i'd make the Tatyana thing a side-dish to the main course of his jealousy of Sergei. that's what's foreshadowed and given ample narrative support, i think that's what the clusterfuck that happens next should be leaning on.

but you know, at the end of the day i can forgive this book for a lot. the above is nothing so egregious that i can't put my quibbles aside for a generous helping of what i like best, and what i like best is overdramatic goth men messily murdering ppl in order to become vampires.

which leads us into the meat of the story, Strahd's Big Oopsie!

the day before Sergei and Tatyana's wedding comes, and Strahd has, of course, devolved into scouring spellbooks for something, anything to break the two of them up. this is a completely sane and rational thing to do, he promises.

the hour grows late, the candles burn down, and Strahd has… a bit of a moment. Death comes to speak to him! at least, something that Strahd identifies as Death, and which doesn't seem interested in disabusing him of the notion.

the bargain offered here is simple; his heart's desire, in exchange for just a few eensie murders, and a smidge of arcane ritual. naturally, Strahd accepts.

what happens next kills me, always and completely, because Alek overheard this. Strahd sees his friend on the walkway outside and practices the famous Barovian sport of longjumping to conclusions, assuming that Alek intends to sound the alarm on him; Alek is forced on the defensive, the two of them swordfighting in beautiful dramatic fashion on a parapet in the rain, before Alek gets lucky and mortally wounds Strahd.

Strahd, now having even less to lose, returns the favor, and we get a scene to rival every wartime "bro dying in ur arms" moment in film history

Alek would have helped you you idiot! you could have had an accomplice! but noooo you had to be a suspicious motherfucker and rush to kill the witness and now look where we are. stupid.

but it's fine, everything's fine, bc Strahd's deal with Death requires blood. so Strahd cuts his friend's throat and drinks the man whole, ascending to lyctorhood i mean kickstarting the whole vampire process

it's extremely sexy and extremely emotional i'm not compromised you're compromised

anyway. Strahd then panics bc oh shit i gotta hide this body and stashes Alek's corpse in his closet. conqueror of nations, everybody, still a fucken chump at not getting caught at murders.

Strahd manages to pass out and has to go through the whole next day pretending he doesn't feel like shit, paranoid and twitchy and waiting for his chance. bc of course one dead friend isn't gonna be enough, no no. he's gotta axe the source.

so he waits, and the hour before the nuptials, he goes to give his babiest brother Sergei a wedding gift of stabby stabby murder.

shock! horror! everyone saw this coming! Sergei's blood finishes what Alek's had started, and Strahd watches his own reflection vanish in the mirror as the mists start to close in on the castle

Strahd goes to claim his prize i mean Tatyana but uh, Strahd, buddy, idk how to tell u this, but she's just not that into you. the absence of her fiance, what you blamed on a mysterious assassin, is not gonna just make her go "oh well i guess i'll settle for the next best thing" it doesn't work like that my dude.

a lot of things happen at once here; people start yelling, Tatyana goes into grief conniptions, more ppl have died? apparently?? this is news to Strahd and distracts him long enough for Tatyana to make Rash Womanly Decisions and literally sprint off a cliff about it

istg someday i'm gonna write something that does this woman justice bc none of the established lore has, ever

anyway this is the point where Barovia as a whole lands with a lurch squarely in the dread domains; the first dread domain, actually, cemented in place and sealed off from the outside world by Strahd's Terrible Awful Very Bad No Good Day

it turns out that someone else picked this night to spring a trap, too! Leo Dilisnya, one of Strahd's lieutenants and a man whose name compels me to picture him with cat ears, had initiated a coup at pretty much the exact moment Strahd was busy murdering his brother. what a coincidence!

the good (?) news is, they haven't yet figured out that Strahd's not exactly human anymore, so they're proceeding with the coup as planned while their primary target is in fact recovering from all the arrow holes they put in him, and is also realizing exactly how tasty everyone around him suddenly looks

long story short, Strahd gets what little of his crew is both still loyal and still alive out of Castle Ravenloft, and slaughters literally everyone else

thus ends the cockup cascade of the century, leaving Strahd lording over an empty and now extremely haunted castle, with no brother, no girlfriend, and maybe five people in the whole world who he can still expect to rely upon in the future, cue five year broodfest

seriously, he spends the next however many years sulking, only sticking his head out the door to collect taxes and maybe eat an outlaw or three, and boy, if you thought he was bad before his ultimate goth makeover…

i shit you not, he spends an entire page complaining about how his coffin, what he pre-ordered two years prior to All That, has brass fittings instead of gold. and then he complains about how his custom made black marble plinth is HELD UP IN SHIPPING

i love this man so fuckign much. i want to trap him in a locker and steal his lunch money.

he also disguises the fact that he's got no fuckign staff left by pretending to be his own chamberlain whenever he has to deal with People, Ugh, and you can just tell how much he loves talking about himself in the third person

anyway Ol' Leo got away after his coup hit a vampire-shaped snag, and Strahd's been too depressed to track him down for like… thirty years at this point

the entirety of your universe is now twenty miles across, Strahd, i think you could have found him before now if you put your back into it

but he finally gets around to it and we get a frankly hilarious bit where Strahd waltzes into the abbey where Leo's been hiding out, confident as anything, and Immediately walks into a fuckign faraday cage of holy symbols and nearly gets his ass staked

but it's cool, it's fine, he gets his man, and then has to clamber over the abbey wall while carrying a corpse and it's a comedy of errors from start to finish istg

it's ok Strahd bb, you'll get the hang of this vampire thing sooner or later

anyway in a stroke of cruel genius he buries the dude in a cement tomb, lets him revive as a vampire spawn, and then fuckign leaves him there to starve

real mansplain manipulate malewife moment right there, 10/10

and such is life for our resident tortured goth overlord, until, until! guess who he runs into

fuckign Tatyana! again! fifty-plus years after her impromptu basejumping attempt!

yes we're dancing that old chestnut, the object of obsession reincarnating every few decades only to tragically die inches from Strahd's grasp, again and again and again ok we get it can we pack it in now

this lady really gets a raw deal here! she's not being punished for anything, she's just kept in her own bespoke loop of suffering for the sake of making the guy who murdered her fiance even more sad

(there is an argument to be made that the Tatyana that Strahd keeps finding and losing in the world's worst game of Where's Waldo, might not be the real Tatyana. the Dark Powers have set president for replacing the real people best suited for twisting the knife in given Darklords with constructed facsimiles, so it's not impossible that Tatyana's soul isn't trapped in an unending nightmare of death and resurrection through literally no fault of her own. not impossible, but also not likely. yes i am mad about this.)

anyway that's our lot with this one, and hoo boy did this one get long. sorry to the four of you who made it this far, but also not sorry bc this is my favorite book of all time

and i know that's a weird thing to say immediately after bitching about how it treats The Sexy Lamp Named Tatyana, but hear me out. i did say i could forgive this book for a lot of things, and Tatyana's whole deal is one of them. make of that what you will.

but aside from its bugbears, this book is fuckign fantastic. it's what i wanted when i read Dracula for the first time and spent the whole read confused and annoyed about who the hell are all these english twats. the writing is delightfully dry when it's not heartwrenchingly gothic, Strahd as a character is absolutely written tongue-in-cheek by someone who knows what she's doing, and it's just [chef kiss] delicious all around. i can't wait to reread it next year once it's faded somewhat and i can reexperience it all fresh and tasty again

if you can spring for the price tag of $40-$60, depending on where you look, i absolutely recommend it. there's also an audiobook, but i can't vouch for the narration quality there. but if you can, read it! consume this book whole like a ravenous python! that's what i'm doing as we speak!

#church's ravenloft reviews #i strahd #GUYS THIS IS UR HALLOWEEN GIFT #JOIN ME IN THE SPLENDOR OF THIS BOOK

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cherriesradio · 4 years

Text

Class 1-A relationship headcanons

Part 2 - https://cherry-cake-pies.tumblr.com/post/640893672076001280/class-1-a-relationship-headcanons

Part 1 - https://cherry-cake-pies.tumblr.com/post/640877154337538048/mha-relationship-headcanons-class-1-a

Fluff

Mezou Shouji

Best hugs ever

I mean what else is he gonna do with all those arms? Fight villains?

Y/n is the only one who can call him by his first name

Shouji is super tall and y/n just calls him “Mezou McTallMan”

He has like 5 million IQ and plays chess with y/n and they just sit their feelin stupid cause they keep losing

Shouji and Tokoyami are best friends and then when him and y/n get together all three of them are best friends and it’s adorable

Y/n never really cared about the mask but was like “hey you don’t need to take it off if you don’t wanna”

And it melted Shouji’s heart that they were fine with it

Thier hair is always ruffled because of how much he messes with it

They just don’t bother anymore

He doesn’t like getting to much attention so for events they have little at home/ in the dorm party’s with just a few other kids

He 100% takes advantage of how scary he can look

If someone is trying to get at y/n he will look at them with the most haunting glare in the world

(*cough* Mineta *cough* *cough*)

Kyouka Jirou

Rockin out to rock but also crappy 2000’s pop music at three am

Jirou will just be sitting beside y/n as they mess with her lobes

Y/n is as much as a crackhead as the rest of the Bakusquad so they all get along great

Bakugo has almost stabbed both of them for kissing in public and being affectionate in public

Coming back to the dorms all sweaty from going to a concert and jumping around for four hours straight

Has the hardest time trying to teach y/n how to play everything because it hurt their ~delicate fingers~

Leaning on each other’s backs and listening to music sharing ear buds 😫

Getting records and hanging them on each other’s walls and painting them if they don’t like the songs 💜

She has a ton of vintage art/ band hoodies and they just share them at some point because they keep stealing them from each other

Going to the arcade with Denki and Kirishima and whoever else wants to come

Y/n always says Jirou has a “out shine the stars smile” and she becomes a blushing mess every time

She’s not very good at comforting :(

She tries tho

She’s great honestly

Hanta Sero

He asks y/n if he annoys them and y/n legit feels so bad like “I love u so much don’t you dare think that>:(“

He likes saving up for dates and going to fancy restaurants and stuff but he’s fine with small inexpensive dates

They’ve gone to sixflags at least ten times and they have definitely broke a whole ride from messing around with his tape

That couple where even before they were dating they were dating

Jokingly kissing each others hand/ cheeks, cuddling up to each other, always asking if the other was going somewhere too, that kinda stuff

Hammock cuddles

I think you understand

Prank war in the whole dorm and y/n and Sero are the kings (or queens) (or non-binary royalty) of it

Bakugo has declared war on them multiple times but never goes on it because of how hard they go

Everyone has said it, you know it

Spider man kisses

He has almost passes out from the blood rushing to his head before

if Mineta walks up to y/n from behind he will tape him up and they can’t have a normal conversation without Sero glaring at him

So many inside jokes

Once y/n put his hair in a bun or something and he was like :0 “oh my god there’s a world without hair in ur face”

Sometimes either of them will sneak in the others dorm in the morning before they wake up and put sunglass on them or draw on their face

“This reminds me of u” insert simp meme

This boy will make sure y/n is always holding his werid long lanky hands

They teach Todoroki what “Yeet” means and now they all use it all the time unironically

Fumikage Tokoyami

👏head 👏scratchys 👏

Y/n has to get him a nightlight so Dark Shadow doesn’t go wild in the middle of the night

Huge edge lord y/n is his only soft spot

Watch dumb vampire movies

They binged all the Twilight movies in one night and everyone makes fun of them for kinda unironiclly liking it

I know Halloween is only really a american thing but they 100% have Halloween party’s at the dorms

They’d set up the whole thing

Y/n gets him black nail polish and skull rings and edgy everything

He has a box that takes up like half his closet of just gifts from y/n

He doesn’t do gifts as much as just spending time with y/n

He does love the gifts tho

Give each other plenty of space

Just say “hey I wanna be alone for a bit” and he’ll be gone in a second

He’s always the little spoons cause he’s scared of peaking their eyes out accidentally

They didn’t keep the relationship a secret they just aren’t very physically affectionate to each other

So one day Shouji is like “oh are you crushing on y/n? Like you are really nice to them and they give you stuff”

And he sits there like “dude we’ve been together for months how do you not know”

And then they are like maybe we should announce it just to make sure? So they do that and the whole class is in shock that they were together for so long and no one noticed

Jokingly calls Tokoyami “Emo Peacock”

You can’t tell me they try to do the Waltz as a joke but get really into it and do it whenever they hear any music now

Jirou could literally be playing hard core rock or heavy metal and they’ll be doing the waltz to it

Dark Shadow low key feels like a third wheel sometimes but then y/n give him a tight hug and he feels appreciated

Shouto Todoroki

Feeding the simps

So ya know that thing in the notes app where you can share notes? Yeah they share one of those where they list things they hate about Endeavor and after a month they are already on a thousand

Just sit in the same room

Could be doing anything not even envolving the other but it’s nice just to have the other there

Protecting the girls from Mineta together ❤️👏👏

at first it honestly just seemed like they were really good friends because they kept it a secret (mostly cause if it got out to the public Endeavor would find out and probably try to break them up)

Even in private they would just kiss the others cheek or forehead and hold hands and that’s the only difference

He talks to his mother about y/n a lot and she is so excited to meet y/n

She has really high expectations just because of how good they sound but does take in that Shouto is literally in love with them, he’s gonna have slight rose tinted glasses

Yeah their just as good as Todoroki made them out to be

When he told y/n about his childhood (endeavor, his mom, his scar, Dabi…) y/n cried because they felt so bad and cuddled him all day trying to help any way they could

They totally made him go to therapy 😌

Has a written down list of thing they said they like so he can get them one if they feel down

He has literally bought them a cat when they were feeling really down and y/n had to explain that he can’t just go and buy a cat when their feeling bad

They keep it tho don’t worry

He’ll turn off the air conditioning when he wants y/n’s affection

They’ll just come running at him and tackle him so he can warm them up/ cool them down

Expect goodnight texts

Make custom memes about how bad of a parent Endearvor is

Legit the start of Todoroki crushing on them overhearing them tell a friend that they don’t think Endearvor is a good hero/ deserves to be number 1

Once asked All Might to adopt Todoroki (I mean he thought about it for a second before Aizawa told him no)

Todoroki let’s y/n cook stuff on his left side

Deku will just wake up in the morning smelling eggs and think someone’s cooking but find y/n cracking eggs onto Todoroki’s left side

#bnha #Todoroki #todoroki x you #todoroki x reader #mha fluff #mha shouji #shouji x reader #jirou x reader #Sero #sero hanta #sero x reader #bnha tokoyami #tokoyami x reader #mha #my hero x reader

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andyet-here-we-are · 3 years

Text

I Would Get Into Millions of Accidents Just to See You, Chapter 3 (aka Nurse Geralt AU)

(Check the pinned post for the first two chapters please~)

The next day flows by in a blur for Geralt. He wakes up, takes a shower, prepares a quick but nutritious breakfast for Ciri, and makes oatmeal for himself.

On his way to the hospital, he thinks about Jaskier and wonders if he should call him now. He almost does that, but then he decides against it because he knows that Jaskier is busy having his fourth dream right now probably. It's too early to call him as much as he wants to do so.

His mind wanders on how cute Jaskier sounds when he is sleepy—when he has just woken up.

Cute, but also usually a bit grumpy even though he denies it with every inch of his being.

***

"That shouldn't be legal," is what Geralt thinks when he steps into the hospital room, unable to take his eyes off Jaskier's sleeping figure. "I can't believe I'm supposed to do that. God, have some mercy on me. I love my job, I really do, but it sucks big time sometimes. Why should I suffer this way?"

A moment later, he is well aware of how dramatic he is being, and how hard he frowns, making a source face. It's not like him to act like this at all.

Damn.

"That dramatic son of a flower must be rubbing off on me," annoyed at himself, he mumbles before he coughs as if that alone is enough to wake the musician up.

"Good morning," he tries when Jaskier doesn't wake up and slightly turns to the other side of his bed instead.

"Mr. Pankratz, it's your medicine time."

Jaskier slightly opens his eyes just to look at him this time, and the first thing he mumbles is: "What happened to your ears?" before closing his eyes again.

"What are you talking about?" The nurse questions, checking his ears with his free hand that isn't holding the medicine tray, wondering what he meant by that.

"Are you still asleep?"

"Yes... No. Maybe?" Jaskier mumbles again, half asleep as he rubs his eyes, trying to make sleepiness go away.

"You will have to pick one of them."

The musician opens his eyes after a while and smiles at Geralt.

"Morning. God, what a sight to wake up to."

Geralt must be used at this by now. Because whenever Geralt has to wake him up, no matter how much Jaskier complains at first most of the time, he always utters the same words eventually.

"What a sight to wake up to."

Yet, every time he does that, Geralt's heart flutters in his chest.

"You didn't sound too happy with my ears, though. What was that about?"

"Ah, about that. I had a dream that— promise you won't laugh?"

"Can't do."

"Anyway," Jaskier yawns and explains: "I had a dream that you were an... elf."

"I was a— what?" Geralt laughs.

"Hey! You said you wouldn't laugh!" The musician stares at him like he is ready to kill him.

"I never said that," Geralt forces himself to stop laughing. "Well, that explains everything."

"Shh, stop interrupting me. It's mean."

"Sorry, I'm all ears. Not elf ears, though, sorry to disappoint you."

"Don't sweat it. Bad guys were trying to steal Mrs. Ansley's—who was a fairy, speaking of which—cookie recipe, which was also the key of a parallel universe, somehow. You were trying to protect the recipe, then puff. Some gingerbread men came out of nowhere to help you, but you tried to... eat them? Well, not just tried actually. You managed to eat their leader. Therefore they decided to join the dark side. Can't blame you, though. They looked pretty yummy. I was about to hop on my unicorn for help when you woke me up. A unicorn wearing a pasta costume. Pink pasta costume. Yeah, yeah, I know, that makes no sense, is there even a pink pasta costume?" He asks sleepily, raising an eyebrow. "Also, I had a magical lute, I think."

"You think that your whole dream makes sense, but just the pink pasta costume doesn't?"

"I've never seen a pink pasta costume, so..."

"Oh, sorry, right. I forgot you have seen everything else but that. The elf version of me, alive gingerbreads and all. My bad."

He chuckles at that lightly.

"Still more possible than a pink pasta costume."

"The most ridiculous dream you had this week might be this one so far."

Jaskier seemed to have taken it upon himself to tell Geralt about his dreams. This was the eighth dream he talked about this week, and it wasn't even Friday yet.

"It was like," he opens his arms wide as if he is presenting the name of his new song to the whole world, " 'Geralt and Jaskier in Wonderland' I blame the medicines. And you," he points at the nurse. "I also blame you. For looking like... " he then gestures at everything, "this."

"You blame me?" The other man snorts, amused. "If anything, you should blame yourself for having the wrong dream. Have you ever looked at yourself? You would make a good elf, not me. You are as bea— I mean, anyway, medicine time."

"I am what now? Wait, wait, wait, were you about to call me beautiful?"

"I was about to call you bearable, but then I thought that would be mean."

"I think you were about to call me beautiful, but then you thought 'That wouldn't be professional, you are his nurse,' or something along these lines. Also, that's not even how you start when you're about to say 'bearable' they are not even pronounced the— "

"That's not what happened."

"Nahh, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened, but eh, whatever helps you sleep at night, love."

"You're probably thinking you're still in 'Geralt and Jaskier in Wonderland', go back to sleep, you're delusional."

"I am so not! And that would be your problem even if I was. Wanna check my fever?" He says, giving the nurse a once-over, "I feel hot, suddenly."

"Well, that explains why you're delusional, doesn't it?" Geralt teases. "Take your medicine and you will be just fine."

Jaskier sighs and does as he is told.

"Geralt," Jaskier says before Geralt is about to leave, a grin on his face "I think you are 'bearable', too. "

***

Geralt means to call Jaskier.

He really does.

Yet, whenever he is about to call him, something comes up, and eventually, he just accepts that he is going to have to wait for his shift to be over.

For some reason, he doesn't want to call him and get interrupted after a minute.

And he doesn't want to send him a text, because he prefers hearing his angelic voice instead.

So, yeah. He is kind of stuck there for now.

***

Geralt finds Ciri laughing at her own joke as she watches The Office when he gets home, and this reminds him of Jaskier since that's something they both have in common. Once again, he finds himself thinking about the musician.

***

“Shit, it hurts,” Jaskier says, holding his chest.

“Maybe it’s the universe’s way to tell you to stop laughing at your own jokes.”

“Oh shut up, the universe can kiss my ass.”

“Seems like it prefers to kick your ass instead.”

That draws an annoyed laugh out of him, which makes him hiss in pain.

“It wouldn’t send me here if it was trying to kick my ass, Mr. Should Have Been A Model But Became A Nurse For Some Reason.”

“I can't believe you still keep using that silly nickname unironically. Don’t you think that it is a bit long?”

“You may be right. Hmm, I’ll just call you ‘Mr. Handsome Nurse,’ from now on.”

“Please don’t. No.”

“How about just ‘Handsome’ ?”

“Still no.”

“Why not? It’s just a fact. You wouldn’t get mad at someone if they would point at a yellow wall and call it a ‘yellow wall’ would you?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“I see no differences.”

“Then you better get your eyes checked.”

“Speaking of which—” Jaskier reaches for his scratch book standing on the bedside table “can I borrow your eyes for a second?”

Geralt frowns, wondering what the musician is up to this time.

Jaskier opens his scratch book and stares in his eyes intently for a while and as he scribbles something. "Thanks," he says, "I just needed an accurate model of the stars."

"You know," the nurse shakes his head and answers smoothly: "you could just ask for a mirror."

Geralt can't help but smirk at his open-mouthed speechlessness.

***

He hears a familiar voice singing, and for a moment he is sure that he has finally gone insane.

Drying his hands on a washcloth, Geralt makes his way to the source of the voice, thinking "That must how Jerry feels when he follows the smell of a piece of cheese Tom tries to fool him with."

Jaskier's voice is irresistible to him, just like how cheese is irresistible to Jerry.

Absolutely irresistible, and hard to miss.

He could distinguish Jaskier's voice among all the rest if he heard it in a room filled with millions of men singing a song together.

This voice is coming from their living room. To be more specific, from Ciri's laptop—which she was supposed to use for searching her homework topic, but that can wait for now—

"Or I shall die," he hears Jaskier singing oh so sincerely and dramatically "or I shall die!"

"Dad! Please don't be mad, I swear to God I was going to start doing my homework, but—"

The first thing he does when he sits on the couch next to his daughter is grabbing the laptop and rewinding the video to the start. He then checks if the volume is at maximum.

"Shhh," he gestures, all of his attention is on the video he is watching.

He doesn't even realize that he takes a deep breath as soon as he sees the musician's face appear in front of him on the screen before Jaskier even starts singing.

He is as beautiful as ever in his ridiculous mint green shirt that he left the first four buttons undone.

It has cactus patterns on it.

Geralt can't help but wonder if Jaskier wearing this shirt is actually some kind of a secret message to him and him only.

Didn't he say that Geralt was just like a cactus?

"...prickly on the outside sometimes, but soft on the inside? A cactus in the desert.”

His words. Not Geralt's.

What does that even mean then? Something like "I wanna wear you on me like a shirt?"

Okay, he should probably stop because he is reading too much into this and—

"Anyway, so, this song goes to the cruel man who made me want to buy this shirt because it reminded me of him. You know who you are,"

Geralt's breath hitches.

He is not reading too much into this.

If anything, it's vice versa, because Jaskier dedicated a song to him.

Jaskier is thinking about him, too.

Thinking about him too much that he has decided he should dedicate a song to him.

The scene splits into five and one of the boxes on the screen shows Jaskier playing the piano, while in the other he plays the lute occasionally, violin in another one, and accordion in the other one. And in the other, he sings.

Good God. Is there anything this man cannot do?—Besides picking names for babies maybe, since picking names is definitely isn't his strong suit.—

"I tell myself what's done is done

I tell myself don't be a fool

Play the field have a lot of fun

It's easy when you play it cool"

"Does this mean he gave up on me because he got fed up with waiting for my call?" he thinks. But then again, why would he sing a song for him if he gave up?

While watching the video, Geralt is well aware of the fact that he will watch this video again and again and will take special care of each Jaskier— making sure not to miss even the tiniest of the mimic and gesture he does.

"I tell myself don't be a chump

Who cares, let him stay away

That's when the phone rings and I jump

And as I grab the phone I pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God

It must be him or I shall die

Or I shall die"

He was right, this isn't a song that screams: "I'm giving up." Thank God it isn't. Jaskier puts his hand on his chest as he sings, and Ciri sighs next to Geralt, resting her head on his shoulder as she watches the video with him.

"Oh hello, hello my dear God

It must be him but it's not him

And then I die

That's when I die"

That dramatic son of a flower actually flings himself into an armchair.

"After a while, I'm myself again

I take the pieces off the floor

Put my heart on the shelf again

You'll never hurt me anymore"

While he sings the "put my heart on the shelf again" he puts a heart sculpture on his bookshelf with a serious look and frown on his face. He might have got this heart sculpture just for this video for all Geralt knows.

"I'm not a puppet on a string,"

At this point, Geralt wouldn't be surprised to see actual strings attached to the musician's body just so he could cut the strings. He really wouldn’t be surprised, at all.

Because Jaskier is that extra most of the time.

And Geralt loves that about him.

"I'll find somebody else someday

That's when the phone rings, and once again

I start to pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God

It must be him, it must be him

or I shall die, or I shall die"

The musician's voice goes up effortlessly into an unreachable octave as he sings the last part, and it's impossible not to be impressed.

But then again, the man puts his heart into everything he does, therefore even doing something like folding a simple frog origami seems impressive when he is the one who's doing it, let alone singing as perfectly as this.

He then slowly walks towards the camera as the other boxes disappear and that one takes over the screen.

"Seriously though," he makes an aggressive 'call me' gesture, and the scene fades to black after that.

"Whoever keeps Jaskier waiting must be crazy," Ciri comments and gave a snort of disapproval and frustration. "He must care about this idiot of a guy a lot if he sings for him like this. What a jabroni. It would take him only a minute to call him."

"Ciri!"

"What? I'm right."

"That's not a nice thing to say," Geralt warns as he hands the laptop back to his daughter.

"I'm surprised that you watched the full thing, by the way. Actually, you don't seem too annoyed with me watching his videos nowadays, and you seemed quite interested in this one."

"I just love Vikki Carr," Geralt says. He has seen the title of the video, after all, so he knew this was a cover of her song. "I've wondered how he sang this song."

"Name five Vikki Carr songs then."

Geralt doesn't know five Vikki Carr songs— he can't even name two, let alone five.

"Okay, I think that's enough fun for you today," the nurse pretends not to have heard his daughter. "Do your homework while I go out to get some milk."

"We have milk at home."

"No, we don't."

"I put it in the fridge myself just this morning, so yeah, we do."

"We're out of these cookies you love, though."

"I thought you said they consumed way too much sugar so we were going to come up with a healthy and as I've read from your invisible subtitles, also probably boring recipe we can make together this weekend?"

"I— God, you ask a lot of questions today." Geralt whispers tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose and letting Ciri's "boring recipe" comment slide.

Fuck him for not saying "I'm gonna go get some groceries," instead.

"I just asked one question, but okay. So? You changed your mind?"

"Yeah, I changed my mind, just for one more week, you can have it."

"Really?! Thanks!"

"Anything you want, pumpkin. Alright, I'm off!"

Geralt ruffles her hair before he grabs his wallet, keys, and most importantly, his phone.

Just before he closes the door, he can hear Jaskier's voice coming from the living room once again.

He cannot blame Ciri at all.

***

"If this is another spam call and not the important call I've been waiting for I swear on all my lute strings that I'll crush that damn phone on the ground and dance upon its bloody ruins! Actually, no, wait, that would mean the possibility of missing the call I've been waiting for, but you got my point."

As soon as Jaskier answers his call and starts talking, he feels like all the tiredness of the day disappears. Jaskier's voice manages to do that even when he is simply busy telling him off, having no idea who he is talking to.

He can see that Ciri was right. He is an idiot for waiting for the right time.

"I'm seriously so sick of—"

Geralt finally cuts him off by saying: "Wow, I wouldn't wanna be a scammer or something right now, you aggressive Dandelion."

"Wait a second, this voice— Geralt?! Is that really you? Oh my God, you finally ca— I mean—"

Jaskier coughs as if he tries not to sound too excited, "Heey, the best nurse in the existence," Geralt can almost see his flirty frowning, yes, he manages to make even frowning look flirty for crying out loud, "How's it hanging?" he asks, his voice sounds deep, lazy, and dare he say, sensual.

"I should be asking you the same question. Are you still praying by the phone?"

"Someone does stalk me on social media, I see."

"And someone sings a song and makes a pretty impressive video clip for me, I see. My daughter was watching it, and that's how I found out about it. Just for your information."

"So you're not the one who stalks me online. It's Ciri," Jaskier says, and the fact that he remembers Ciri's name warms up Geralt's heart if he's being honest. "Sweet. Cool. Cool. I'm not hurt by that at all."

"Well..."

"Would you die if you let me be happy for just a moment? Not that I'm not happy to know that your daughter still watches my videos, but it would be nice to hear that you were the one who checked my account willingly."

"I'm sure I would see your video today anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be that soon, I admit, but I would see it."

"Is that so?"

"It is so."

Silence.

But it isn't an uncomfortable one.

"Did you really find it impressive?" Jaskier asks, his voice is full of hope and happiness.

"Well—"

"Nah, I know it's impressive, forget that I asked," he lets out a long sigh, "If I knew making a video clip for you would make you call me right away, I would do that earlier. Were you playing 'hard to get' or something? You know... I find it kinda cruel to make someone who just got out of the hospital keep waiting on the phone for so long. For your information, that 'kinda' is kinda unnecessary here maybe. I call it 'the polite kinda'. Or 'the unnecessary kinda'. "

The next moment, Jaskier's playful tone leaves its place to a caring, worried one as he keeps talking: "If something is going wrong with your life, I take it back though. Ignore everything I said in that case. Is everything okay? Are you okay?"

"Ah, about that— Don't worry, everything is alright," Geralt replies, "I was thinking about calling you today, but I couldn't quite find the time. I know that's not an excuse, and I know I could call you earlier, but I didn't want to call you only to say 'I have to hang up,' a minute later."

"I’m happy to hear that nothing is wrong. And well, even that would be better than leaving me hanging. Or a simple 'Hey, the best patient ever' text would do. You took so long that I would be lying if I said I didn't think about getting involved in another accident."

"I'd rather you didn't."

"I would get into millions of accidents just to see you, Geralt. Provided that I could have you as my nurse every time, of course. What's the point otherwise? I'm not a masochist."

"Such a flatterer you are, Mr. Pan—"

"I'm not trying to flatter you. Cross my heart and hope do die, I'm just scattering the facts around like they are glitters. Or cake sprinkles."

"God forbid! Accidents, death... Aren't we gonna talk about nice things at all?"

"I've been waiting for you to call me forever. I have every right to be bitter about it."

"I'll make it up to you, I promise. How about I start making up to you, starting now?"

"Sounds like you have something in your mind, Mr. Handsome Nurse."

"I do, indeed. Have you had dinner yet?"

"Does strawberry yogurt count as dinner?"

"I highly doubt it. You were complaining about hospital food, and yet that's what you choose to have for dinner?"

"I've never said I count yogurt as quality dinner, but it's still better than the things you dare to serve people as 'food', I should admit, I thought you already came to terms with—"

"Maybe you should come over so I can show you how a proper, nice dinner looks like. I'm not half bad at cooking."

Jaskier is silent on the other end of the line.

"Are you still there?" Geralt asks finally, "I'm sorry if this was too forward of me or too soon, I just thought it could be nice. You could meet Ciri too, that way."

"No! Yeah! I mean—" if Geralt didn't imagine it, Jaskier sighs and murmurs an angry 'get it together you dumbass,' to himself before he continues talking. "Yes, I'm still here. No, this wasn't too forward of you. I was just taken aback a little bit, sorry. I mean, not every day a handsome nurse who I've been waiting for his call for a decade calls and invites me over for dinner. I'd love that, Geralt."

"I'll send you the address, then." Geralt checks his watch, it's nearly 6 p.m. "Is eight okay for you?"

"Sure, that should be fine. Hey, Ciri still doesn't know, right?"

"I don't think I need to answer that."

"Huh? Why is that?"

"Don't you think she would just grab my phone and call you herself if she knew? Or reaching out to you on every social media possible? Shouting from the rooftops, even?"

"She really likes me that much?"

"She just called me, I quote, an 'idiot', 'crazy', and 'jabroni' after watching your video, so..."

"She did what?!"

"I mean, not directly at me since she doesn't know I'm the 'him' in the 'it must be him', but still."

"Seems to me like you're in big trouble here."

"Don't even remind me about it."

"I'd be lying if I said that doesn't put some pressure on me though. I mean... What if she doesn't like me?"

"Wha— Ciri already adores you. She adores you so much that it's annoying sometimes."

"It's impossible not to like you," is on the tip of his langue.

"They say never meet your heroes. What if when she actually meets me, she goes 'Meh, that's it?' What if I disappoint her somehow?"

"Worrying about earth getting invaded by the aliens in pink pasta costumes and tutus would much more sense compared to this. Believe me."

Jaskier laughs at that, but Geralt can still sense that he is not completely convinced.

"If you say so."

"I know so, Jaskier. I know so."

#the witcher #jaskier #geraskier #geralt #my writing #nurse geralt au #I Would Get into Millions of Accidents Just to See You #jaskier x geralt

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retvenkos · 4 years

Text

“i am this close to dropkicking all of you into oblivion”

i have one sibling in every hogwarts house, so here’s some weird things each of them does...

gryffindor

will walk up the stairs, stare at you for a minute straight, and then make a random animal sound (usually a pterodactyl screech) before laughing and leaving again

unironically blasts “all i want for christmas is you” at 8 o’clock in the morning on black friday

will call you at really inopportune moments only to breathe heavily into the phone, laugh after a minute or so, and ask you if mom is home (after she just told them she was leaving.)

if they get take out they always offer to get you something and then pay for it, but then they hold it over your head, later

never has cash on them, despite always being able to buy you take out

which means they never tip the doordasher, rip

honestly doesn’t care if they’re left out of family things™ but brings up all the times you did something without them randomly, just to guilt trip you

always makes plans for when they will come into money but never does

plans to get really expensive gifts for birthdays or holidays but then doesn’t have money when the time comes

impulsively sells their electronics (like playstations and xboxes) for money only to buy new electronics

and then eventually buy back the same model of the one they sold

actually stays out of a lot of family drama by just never leaving their room

needs “background noise” to sleep so they end up hogging netflix all night despite not actually watching it

yells loudly when playing video games, much to ravenclaw’s annoyance

stays up until 5 o’clock in the morning playing video games then doesn’t wake up until noon

only sings to annoy others

put a nylon on their head and had a cousin (an enablist ravenclaw) pour cereal and milk into their covered mouth

ravenclaw filmed and encouraged this

stole the microwave in the kitchen to put in their room

aLWAYS HAS THE TV ON BUT NEVER WATCHES IT

constantly deletes and recreates their instagram account

unironically likes riverdale

watched the entirety of the clone wars and then made fun of me and hufflepuff when they saw us watching it.

absolutely did not care what i put on this post

ravenclaw

will mutter a joke under their breath, and then when no one laughs, will say “wow. guess i’m not loved.”

went through a pirate, ancient egypt, ancient greek, and dinosaur phase at various points in their life

for the most part you would never guess but occasionally they will hit you with a bit of obscure knowledge that makes you go ???

planned a scavenger hunt based on the meme of ted cruz being the zodiac killer

enlisted the help of their sibling, a slytherin, to create an ottendorf cipher to make it interesting

gets enraged by the fact that gryffindor never tips doordashers

doesn’t want to be left out of family things™ but also doesn’t want to do them

doesn’t let their financial status known and will just suffer™ in dignified silence

will float gryffindor money to buy electronics, only to get hella upset when gryffindor inevitably sells them

needs a special pillow and a sleep mask to sleep

is dead silent 80% of the time but will break out into song in the middle of the kitchen, completely unprompted

will be completely silent and then say “they ask you how you are, and you just have to say you’re fine when you’re not really fine, but you just can’t get into it, because they would never understand.”

films gryffindor’s antics

used the microwave in gryffindor’s room without passing judgement

randomly deletes or renames everyone’s accounts on netflix

or will troll others, making a second account identical to their own

mostly to annoy gryffindor or hufflepuff

has zero posts on instagram. obscure stories only.

reinvents their entire style every three years or so.

has zero consistency when it comes to music taste

likes to think they’re better than gryffindor because they watch scandal and how to get away with murder instead of riverdale

begged me to make this post (specifically to roast gryffindor) and then got very offended by what i put here

hufflepuff

will interrupt you in the middle of a conversation, and then when you finally turn to them, will go, “uhh..... i forgot.”

has a complete inability to finish their food, no matter how hungry they are. even if they finish their first plate they will get a second or third and fail to finish it in the end.

is constantly binging tv - is keeping up with 5 shows at any given moment

if you ask them to do something they don’t want to do, they either do it anyway or pretend they didn’t hear your request

this combined with them pretending to be asleep to avoid work

they never want to be left out of family things™ but only want to do half of it or one very specific job (usually doing the place setting for dinner or something equally as effortless)

is strangely good at getting other people to give them money but is also willing to give you some if you need it

encourages gryffindor to sell their electronics but then backs up ravenclaw when they get angry about it

never sleeps but when they do it can be anywhere at any time

sings while doing homework

also sings when they hear you coming toward them and can sense you need something (then they pretend they can’t hear you because they are singing and if you get louder so do they)

is very confused by gryffindor’s antics

was visibly upset when gryffindor put the microwave in their room and refused to use it for four months after it had been returned to the kitchen because it was “tainted”

has an ungodly amount of tabs open on google chrome at all times

they have zero storage in their phone because it’s full of really blurry photos they refuse to delete

also refuses to delete photos on instagram - even the cringey ones - because they “die like men”

is rightfully horrified by gritty reboots like riverdale

rewatches cartoons and disney channel only

has an inexplicable hatred for anakin skywalker and jar jar binks

i haven’t told them about this post because i fear they will go feral once they know of it’s existence

slytherin

will ghost you for two months and then do an instagram story about missing their family and always wanting to be there for you

used to be such a people pleaser that they did a sport that they actually hated for four years

buys scarily accurate gifts but then never tell you how they know

says they don’t care if they’re left out of family things™ but actually does

either has lots of money that no one was aware of or is hella broke but can play it off really well

tells gryffindor not to sell their electronics but also tells them the place to get the best price

manages to stay out of a lot of minor family drama but is at the center of larger debates

can sleep anywhere and can sleep through literal earthquakes but wakens at the sound of footsteps and someone opening their door

they can also tell who is walking around by the sound of their footsteps alone

is quiet 80% of the time but has the decency to break out into song only when behind closed doors

big shower singer

is never present for gryffindor’s antics but laughs and says to do it again (with suggestions for them) when they see the video

reprimanded gryffindor for putting the microwave in their room but frequently used it.

a morning person

(there are 3 slytherins in my house and all of them are morning people, explain that.)

will keep their icon for netflix and other accounts (like their g-mail, instagram, or even myspace) recent, but the photo is never actually their face - just a weird aesthetic photo

unironically loves instagram stories

makes then religiously, too

has never seen gritty reboots like riverdale but watches youtube videos that hate on them

loved hayden christensen as anakin skywalker and will die defending him

laughed while reading this post - especially at their own idiocy

AND FLUFF ENSUES.

#hp #hogwarts #hogwarts houses #headcanons #hp headcanons #slytherin #gryffindor #ravenclaw #hufflepuff #slytherin headcanons #gryffindor headcanons #ravenclaw headcanons #hufflepuff headcanons #siblings

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florrickandassociates · 3 years

Text

TGF Thoughts-- 5x07: And the fight had a detente...

This episode is a wild ride, so if you haven’t seen it yet and you aren’t spoiled, don’t read this. Just go watch it.

Ave Maria plays over a photo montage of cancelled men, including Kevin Spacey, Louie CK, and Scott Rudin. (Scott Rudin, if you don’t know the name, is a Broadway/Hollywood producer who treated his assistants like absolute shit. He’s the inspiration for the possessed producer episode of Evil—I think it’s the third episode of the series—and Robert King does not like him one bit.)

And then the episode opens with Wackner, Del, and Cord discussing the Armie Hammer cannibalism ordeal. Whew, this is not what I wanted to be thinking about first thing on a Thursday morning. I do not think I can put into words how boring I find debating whether or not someone should have been “cancelled.” Cancellation is usually about rich people facing consequences for shitty actions, and those consequences have never involved anyone’s rights being infringed upon, so why should I care about someone being cancelled? And, while I know that society/people on Twitter don’t always understand nuance, I’d like to think that when it comes to the most notable examples of cancellation... no one is losing their livelihood over false or minor allegations.

There are so, so, so many issues in the world. Cancellation affects a handful of high profile, usually white, straight, male, celebrities. Why should I give a shit about, like, Louie CK not being able to make as much money as he used to? I just do not and cannot find it interesting.

I’m not surprised David Cord and Del Cooper find this topic interesting—Del likely hates worrying that all of his comedians could get cancelled and put him in a financially tricky spot; Cord probably says things like “Woke Mob” unironically. And as for Wackner, he almost certainly has a skewed understanding of what actually happens when someone’s cancelled and sees a place where he can step in and add some order. Blah. It’s just so boring.

"People are getting canceled without a trial, no evidence presented against them,” Wackner says. This is not it, Wackner! This is such a strawman argument. We don’t need the legal system to adjudicate people being assholes to each other, and in cases where a crime is committed or a particular individual can sue for damages, that is what happens. If you act shitty and then your sponsors realize you’re toxic and drop you, like, it is what it is. You can feel free to respond via a Notes App screenshot where half of your apology is actually just whining about cancel culture and then you say “I’m sorry if anyone took offense at what I did” instead of saying “I’m sorry I said/did hurtful things” and when people don’t take that seriously, maybe it’s because you didn’t take it seriously, either.

“There are a lot of reasons these accusations never go to trial. The victims finally get to accuse the victimizer face to face,” Wackner explains. Were the victims asking for this?

Marissa shares my question, noting that if the victims don’t want to speak up, then the victimizer would have the court to himself. This raises a new question: who is even bringing these cases? Are Wackner, Cord, and Del just deciding they want to do things as cases and then getting everyone else on board? This sounds bad!

Apparently, according to Wackner, “if #MeToo relies on mob rule, it’ll exhaust itself.” What... evidence is there for this? I get why people panic about the POSSIBILITY of this happening, even though I don’t share their panic, but is there any actual evidence that #MeToo is losing steam because of false allegations because cancellation isn’t a formal process? I don’t believe there is.

The test case we have the pleasure of seeing this week is about “Louie CK two,” whom I shall refer to as LCK2 instead of learning his name.

Now, suddenly, Marissa is asking one of LCK2’s victims to testify. She doesn’t want to participate because it’s just another way for LCK2 to get his career back. Marissa decides to be idealistic and say this is a real opportunity to confront LCK2 with his crime. I suppose she isn’t wrong, and that is what happens next, but, again, meh.

Apparently David Cord is going to defend LCK2. You know what would get cancelled in five seconds? A David Cord funded show that has David Cord actually on it, railing against cancel culture! Can you IMAGINE the thinkpieces?

God, when is this episode going to move on from this extremely irritating premise?

Marissa decides she wants to be the prosecutor. Wackner says if she prosecutes LCK2, she has to prosecute the academic who used a word that sounds like the n-word and lost her job for it. Marissa thinks the academic shouldn’t have been fired, but Wackner insists she has to take both cases.

“Let’s go into court,” Wackner says, and, thank goodness, we do go into court: REAL court, where we are talking about REAL issues.

In court, Liz and Diane are suing the police over the death of a black girl who was tased by the police. Her friend is on the stand and it’s quite emotional. Also, Diane tries to pass Liz a note and Liz ignores it. Why would you have two name partners on this case if they aren’t even going to try to work together?

You can tell things are tense between two TGF characters when they talk at the same time in court but are on the same side.

Hiiiiii Abernathy! ILY!

The victim had a heart condition, which the police lawyer argues is the actual cause of death. Police lawyer also argues that since this witness posted some ACAB lyrics on Instagram, she must be biased. Eyeroll.

Liz calls the other lawyer racist; the other lawyer tries to make Liz look like she is only on her client’s side because she’s black and that Liz is being absurd.

Cancel culture court happens. We’re dealing with the academic case first. I don’t feel like talking about the cancel culture shit too much, so here is my take on this case as a whole: (1) I don’t think the actual word in question, which isn’t actually the n-word, is enough on its own to get someone fired (2) I also don’t think anyone can use that word, regardless of its meaning or history, without understanding how it will come across. (3) The teacher did not get fired for simply using this word once (4) This teacher believes that anyone who is from a group that’s been marginalized in history should have to confront that marginalization with as little sympathy and respect as possible because it will help them be more resilient. So basically, if you are from the dominant group then you don’t get challenged. She believes it is her job to do this. She is an egotistical asshole who has no business teaching.

Cord wants everyone to have to say the full word in question. He says this pretentiously (though I don’t think saying “Said word” is that pretentious, tbh) and Wackner rules against him and also makes him wear a powdered wig for using “obtuse language.”

Marissa is not trying at all with this case at first, since she doesn’t believe in it. That’s shitty, Marissa. If you want to be a lawyer at a firm like RL you’re going to have to fight for all of your clients.

Marissa makes a Latin joke and ends up in a powdered wig, too.

The prof says, in one sentence, that she didn’t know what she was doing using the word and also that the black student who took offense thinks college is supposed to be warm, cuddly, and unchallenging. So it was a challenge, then, prof?

I like this student. And I love that she calls Marissa out for obviously not trying.

“The optics matter. Racially,” Diane says to Liz, who agrees. Diane, strategically, makes it about gender first (the cop is male, some jurors may react to a woman questioning a man), then makes it about how she should be the one questioning the cop since Liz is black. It would make the jury more “comfortable” (hey, there’s that word again!) Diane says. She says she is being pragmatic.

Diane says that she could be “more dispassionate”. Be or come across as, Diane? Either way, Liz, who knows full well what the optics look like given that this isn’t her first time in court, doesn’t agree with Diane that they need to come across as dispassionate.

Then Diane just changes the subject to the firm drama. “Liz, you’re shoving me out of my name partner position because of my race.” Like that’s the issue!

“I am doing nothing. You are the one who got our racist clients to whine to STR Laurie about us,” Liz counters. “Those clients bring in a great deal of money, and they are not racists,” Diane insists. Yes. Sure. Diane just happened to choose white male clients who were “comfortable” with her to talk to. I have no doubt they’d have reacted poorly to any change in representation, but Diane was counting on those particular clients having some discomfort with their new lawyers.

Liz calls her out and Diane’s still trying to play it like she just had to inform her long-term clients and it just had to be done this way. But, when Liz asks if Diane thinks the clients would’ve had the same reaction if their new representation were to be white, Diane says that maybe her clients are worried about racial grudges. So, what you’re saying is you knew exactly what you were doing, huh, Diane?

I get why Diane doesn’t like being pushed out, because who would, but Diane, this isn’t about you. And if you didn’t want to make it about race, perhaps you shouldn’t have appeared on a panel about how great it is that your firm is majority black? You can’t have it both ways.

Liz notes that Diane felt “entitled” to her name partnership. This is accurate, though based on revenue and stature I don’t think it can be denied that Diane deserves name partner status (generally speaking). Diane went over to RBK, was like, “sure, I’ll be a junior partner, thank you so much for the opportunity, I can’t even pay my capital contribution right now but what if I were name partner in three months?” and that is both entitlement and knowing one’s own worth, but mostly entitlement.

(Liz does not act entitled, but if we want to get into who deserves their partnership more—again generally speaking, not their partnership at a black firm specifically—it is definitely Diane! Liz literally only has this job because her dad was important.)

“I think that Barbara Kolstad was shoved out because you felt entitled to her position,” Liz shouts. OMG, a mention of Barbara?!?!?!??!?!? THANK YOU, WRITERS!!!

(This is a slight bit of revisionist history but I’ll allow it, and I think it’s right in thought even if it’s not right on the details. Barbara wasn’t shoved out—Barbara chose to go to a different firm that offered her a better deal—but I don’t think Barbara would’ve been on that trajectory had it not been for Diane’s presence at the firm. Barbara was in charge of a firm that shared her values when, suddenly, her partner decided that they needed to pursue profit over all else and needed Diane to execute that strategy. Maybe no one made a move directly against her, but Adrian and Diane changed the mission of RBK until it was no longer somewhere Barbara wanted to work.

“We can’t work together if you don’t respect me,” Diane screams at Liz. “No, we can’t work together if you use race cynically,” Liz responds. Diane gets even angrier, swears a bunch, and then says “You want to come after me, you come after me with an honest argument about my lack of competence, my lack of worth.” Diane, you are fighting a completely different battle here! You can be entitled and also correct and also good at your job. This is what you used to accuse Alicia of all the time. The fact you’ve turned this into something about your skill level when it’s about the meaning of having a black firm is only proving Liz’s point.

“Your unworthiness—which you don’t seem to want to acknowledge—is that you can’t be the top dog in a black firm,” Liz says. Exactly. But Diane just storms off.

Now the cop is on the stand. He did not know the victim had a heart condition. Uh, obviously, why would he have known that?

Liz is aggressive in court; Diane thinks this is the wrong strategy. Without knowing who is on the jury, I have no idea which one of them is correct.

The next move is to get the cop’s ex-wife, who he abused, on the stand.

Goodie, it’s cancel culture court. Things go well for Marissa, but Del wants to know why Marissa wasn’t that passionate about the n-word case. Marissa says she feels like it’s not the n-word, like that is a valid reason to not represent your client to the best of your ability. “It is. It always is,” says Del.

Marissa heads back to RL, and as she walks, the camera follows her and moves through the space until we end up in Liz’s office, where she gets a news alert about the cop from the COTW. He’s been killed, seemingly in retaliation for his actions. The news is quick to suggest the trial might’ve encouraged the killing. “Oh, fuck.” Diane says as she watches the news. Aaaand credits (at 20 minutes in!)

From the promos, I thought this was going to be a Very Serious Episode about police brutality. From the opening, I thought it was going to be an insufferable episode about cancel culture. I was wrong! (Though, I suppose, some of the cancel culture stuff is still insufferable.)

Yay for Carrie Preston, who directed this episode. I read an interview with her and she talked about how there’s a “look book” for directing TGF episodes and I have never wanted to see anything as badly as I want to see this look book. (Am I exaggerating? Probably. But I might not be.)

After credits, Marissa finds Carmen and Jay to ask them if “n-word-ly" is offensive. She acknowledges she’s being annoying but they let her continue anyway. Jay finds it offensive. Carmen does not. This seems fitting with their characters, and I love that this scene acknowledges that not every black person is going to have the exact same reaction to everything.

I want Carmen to have more to do! While I’m glad the show isn’t forcing her to have a large role in every plot just because, I feel like she’s gone missing for the middle part of the season. My guess is that their priority with Carmen is setting her up to be an ongoing part of the cast who grows into being someone we want a lot from rather than forcing her plots from the start... but surely we could get a little more of her! I doubt she’s a one-season character like I assume Wackner will be.

The cop’s murder changes the vibe in court. Abernathy calls a moment of silence in his memory. “We’re fucked,” Liz whispers to Diane.

And indeed they are. The cop’s ex no longer wants to talk about how abusive he was—she wants to talk about how great he was. Whose idea was it to still put her on the stand?! Idk about legal procedures but this seems like a really avoidable mistake!

Diane argues that the cop’s death has prejudiced the jury. Abernathy decides to call a “voir dire de novo,” using an obtuse Latin phrase that would not be permitted in Wackner’s court. (Love the little parallels in this episode, like this, the transition between courts earlier, and how much of Marissa being called out on her whiteness feels like a thematic extension of everything going on with Diane.)

Cancel culture court continues. Carmen shows up.

I don’t really get how June, the victim of LCK2, potentially losing a headlining gig for a bad set instead of retaliation from LCK2, scores him a point. One, if she was a rising store, one bad set shouldn’t have damned her career. Two, isn’t it enough to prove that he masturbated in front of women who didn’t want him to do that???????

Having June perform her act with no prep in Wackner’s court so they can judge whether or not she is funny is a wildly bad idea. So now Wackner is an arbiter of humor as well as cancel culture?

This whole system is silly and I reject the whole premise but June should not lose two points for the logic that Wackner + the audience don’t find June funny --> June must’ve had her career derailed because she just isn’t funny (how’d she book the headliner gig, then?) --> LCK2 scores points??? He still masturbated in front of her without her consent!

Using cancel culture to show Wackner’s court is going too far/slipping into bad territory: I’m on board with this. Using Wackner’s court to actually comment on cancel culture: Ugh. The writers seem to be trying to do both.

Lol at Abernathy having Stacey Abrams’ book on his desk.

Marissa argues the n-word case more passionately, because these writers love to make situations that seemed clear cut seem more uncertain. It’s no coincidence they have the sexual harassment case look murkier (though, again, June being bad at comedy does not negate the sexual harassment!) right before they have the n-work case begin to tilt in favor of the professor’s cancellation.

Hahah what bullshit about trying to prepare the students for a world that won’t be kind to them. Do you seriously think your black students need YOU to prepare them?

This lady thinks history classes have to describe rapes in detail to get students to sympathize. No, no they fucking do not.

She also says she’d use the n-word if she were teaching a topic where it might come up. Um, no?

Mr. Elk (this is what I call Ted Willoughby, Idiot Reporter, after he said “things of that elk” in his first appearance) is attacking Diane and Liz on his show. Diane and Liz are, apparently, “Marxist slip-and-fall lawyers” and Mr. Elk plays a clip of Diane saying cops need to be held accountable. Obviously, this was before the cop’s death and meant to be about the legal system, but it looks like Diane’s calling for his murder. I also love how they go out of their way to only pause the clip on unflattering frames of Diane.

Liz wants to use this in court—I forgot that Liz is super sneaky but this tracks; she is always quick to use things to her advantage and we’ve known that about her since her strategy with the DNC in 2x07 (to make outlandish allegations and then drop them before presenting proof). Julius wants to get Liz and Diane security.

That security is, apparently Jay. I think they’ve shown Jay as security before when Lucca went viral. I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now.

I was, briefly, worried for Liz and Diane’s safety, especially after I saw all the angry cops waiting for them in court. Then I thought, oh, well at least they’re in court, they should be safe from being shot there. Then I remembered 5x15. Then I laughed at myself.

Liz’s new strategy works and Abernathy uses more Latin. But, they can’t get any more jurors thrown. (They’re going for a mistrial.)

Oh, Carmen is back again! She did SO MUCH in that court scene where she appeared and then disappeared! She’s chatting with Marissa and spots LCK2 in the RL offices.

Apparently, LCK2 negotiated a contract with Del, with David Lee’s help. (Why would David Lee be doing entertainment law?) Suddenly everything makes sense to Marissa.

She calls Del to the stand. This—and, honestly, everything after this—makes me wonder how much of this would ever make it to air. Why would Del televise this?

What a shock—Del wants LCK2 back on his streaming service (which I don’t think has a name LOL).

Somehow Marissa’s questions become about Wackner and whether or not Wackner is an impartial judge, which doesn’t seem like the core issue. Wackner has made it pretty clear that his stance is that he doesn’t care if others are corrupt around him or try to use him; he’s going to be impartial no matter what. Why not play that up instead of making the entire show look staged and Wackner look complicit, Marissa?

Like, why is Marissa asking Wackner if he’s prejudged the case?! Why isn’t she just trying to like, get him to declare a mistrial because there is a conflict of interest? She can make a version of this argument without accusing Wackner of PREJUDGING, which she knows—I know, so she knows—will set him off. Wackner truly believe he thinks he is impartial. It’s not smart strategy to question that (even if we all know that Wackner is not impartial!)

Wackner blows up at Marissa and shouts at her. He tells her to get the fuck out of court.

This is certainly dramatic, but again, would Del ever choose to air this? I doubt it.

On her way to work, Diane notices hot pink spray paint in the elevator. When she exits the elevator, the whole firm is gathered in the lobby. Someone has painted COP KILLERS across the elevator bank. “Security doesn’t know how they got in,” Jay says. “Of course they don’t,” Diane responds. “They suggest we call the cops,” Jay says. I love this little exchange. I wasn’t exactly wondering how someone got in, but I like the show making it clear how unprotected Diane and Liz are right now and why.

Julius appears and says that Mr. Elk is saying something new. Diane and Liz sit down to watch and the tone of this episode completely shifts.

I had forgotten completely that Liz’s dad’s assault issues are out in public until Mr. Elk called him “a disgraced civil rights leader.” It doesn’t feel like they’re out in public! Also I would believe Mr. Elk calling him disgraced for no reason at all.

Y’all, when Mr. Elk said the name “Duke Roscoe,” my jaw dropped. WHAT A CALLBACK.

This scene, and really, everything in this plot from here on out, is a delight. It just keeps going and going. It is the best kind of fanservice.

1x11 has been, for no real reason, on my mind since 5x04. It popped out to me as an example of this show’s humor so I talked about it in that recap. I nearly mentioned it in my 5x06 recap when Diane laughed at Julius’s suggestion that they start a firm together. I rewatched 1x11, by complete chance, like two weeks ago. How weird that I'm somehow on the show’s wavelength about this!

Also I made a joke about Mr. Elk last week without knowing he’d be back this episode. I would like to think I conjured this.

(1x11 is a really pivotal episode for TGW, even if it isn’t one of the most notable episodes overall. It's composer David Buckley’s first episode and that ending, with Diane laughing, is one of the earliest moments of TGW showing its sense of humor and playing to its strengths.)

Mr. Elk notes that they “rarely see” Kurt, which is apparently evidence that Diane is a lesbian. Hahahahahahah. Mr. Elk also wouldn’t want to note Kurt, despite his recent controversy, because to his viewers, Kurt’s beliefs would make Diane seem more sympathetic.

GUYS, THE WRITERS DECIDED TO MAKE A CALLBACK TO AN ICONIC MOMENT FROM AN EPISODE THAT AIRED OVER A DECADE AGO AND THEN BUILD ON IT. I cannot express how fucking happy this makes me.

Now, Mr. Elk says, Diane and Liz are an item!

What’s better than Diane laughing hysterically at the original allegations? Diane doing it again, eleven years later, JOINED BY LIZ.

This also works super well to cut the tension between Diane and Liz. I assume this isn’t the end of the name partnership drama, but I think it might be the end of Diane and Liz being pissed at each other. Since the name partnership drama was never really about Diane and Liz (Liz seems to want Diane to stay on...), I’m fine with that.

Because this is an episode full of callbacks that delight me, Del asks Liz when he gets to meet her son! HER SON STILL EXISTS!

It sounds like Liz and Del still aren’t fully official, which clarifies why they don’t seem to be a couple in public.

Del brings up the Diane rumor (jokingly) and Liz jokes along. I love that we get to see this playful side of Liz.

Wackner’s watching his outburst with regret. Del calms him down and notes that this is good TV (why... would Del air this... it makes DEL look worse than anyone!). Wackner calls Marissa to apologize; she picks up and accepts his apology.

Abernathy calls Liz and Diane into chambers. He’s worried he was “insensitive”-- he's noticed the tension between Liz and Diane, but now he thinks it was a lover’s spat.

Diane puts on a poker face and leans in towards Liz. She starts nodding attentively and thanks Abernathy. Liz smiles and doubles down: she’s not just going to play along, she’s going to milk it. She gets a juror kicked for homophobia, which means a mistrial. Shameless. I love it.

Diane and Liz playing off each other as Abernathy tries to look like as much of an ally as possible is comedy gold.

Diane even calls Liz darling. Omg.

LCK2 is on the stand, being charismatic and annoying. Of course he is. This is what happens when you give someone who is known for being able to connect with a crowd... a crowd and the benefit of the doubt.

LCK2 is talking about “stupid women” in his new set. Why... is Del giving that a platform at all? See, the fact that Del thinks it is not only interesting but also somehow essential to let LCK2 make jokes about sexual harassment is why I can’t take this episode seriously. Why should I be more outraged about someone who did something shitty not getting a trial for his shitty but legal behavior than I am about powerful people continuing to offer shitty people platforms? Only one of these seems outrageous to me.

Wackner decides that the professor did something “awful but lawful” and that’s it. So you’re saying that if it isn’t illegal, it doesn’t get decided in your court, either? What was the point of this, then?

The professor says she doesn’t want that—she wants the school to know she’s being punished so she can get her job back. The student storms out, rightfully. Wackner’s job isn’t to offer someone who wants punishment some form of penance, like she can exchange community service hours for offensive remarks. It’s to... well, idk what it is to do, since this whole thing doesn’t really make sense and he makes the rules, but I don’t think his verdict has to be about giving anyone what they want. I’m disappointed that Wackner comes up with a punishment and I don’t think it’s going to get her her job back.

LCK2 loses, too, because he hasn’t made amends. Wackner doesn’t want to fine him because he’s too rich for a fine to matter. Cord argues that LCK2 deserves a second chance. I mean, sure, but is he being denied a second chance? He doesn’t deserve an easy path back to his fame just because he wants it.

Wackner mentions prison. At first I was like, oh, that’s a nice throwaway line that he mentioned prison! This ties into what I was saying a few weeks ago about how Wackner likes the institutions that already exist—he just thinks they’re imperfect! It’s fitting that he’s not a prison abolitionist!

And then the episode actually went there: Wackner, thanks to David Cord’s private prison company, actually sentences LCK2 to prison. This is deeply uncomfortable (and of questionable legality). Wackner’s system is just going to recreate prison? Worse, private prison? He’s creating an unchecked, privatized legal system?! This sounds bad! Kudos to the show for taking this to some place so dark—I knew Wackner’s system would start to show cracks, but I didn’t realize they’d go this far.

And I’m not sure what the end game is with this! All I know is I’m not on board with Wackner sending people to prison (except as a plot—I am very on board with this plot) and neither is Marissa.

I do not think viewers of the reality show will like the prison twist or the fact that Cord is financing a court and prison! Can you imagine the scandal!

And what do the contracts look like that allow Wackner to sentence someone to prison? Can LCK2 leave any time he wants? If so, then how does the prison sentence help? If not, is that legal?

Del wants it to be a 2 week sentence, not 3, because this means LCK2 will have to miss his taping in two weeks. I have many questions. (1) Is Wackner’s show airing live? If not, then why do they need to rush the taping of the special? They could push it quite easily. (2) Why can’t they push the taping? This guy is a huge deal and enough potential $$ that Del wants to rehabilitate his career... so why does the taping have to be on this particular day and time?

Is there really an Exxon Mobile case, I wonder?

I like that we spend a good amount of time watching Marissa’s reactions to this latest addition to Wackner’s court. Combined with the score, Marissa’s facial expression serves to underline that private prisons are not good here! This isn’t Wackner getting legitimate methods of enforcement... this is just opening a pandora’s box of highly questionable extrajudicial practices.

I do love that this episode ends up here: it starts out like it’s going to be about cancel culture silliness and ends up being about the escalation of Wackner’s tactics.

Funny how both of the cancelled people end up being found guilty by Wackner, huh! Almost like they actually did something wrong and faced the consequences!

Liz and Diane get called in to talk to Liz’s favorite department: HR. They’re asked to sign “love contracts” to confirm things are consensual. I find it hilarious that HR gives them the paper before even asking if it’s true.

Liz grabs a pen and signs. Diane follows her lead. They look at each other and smile politely at HR.

I am... not sure how to read this last scene! Is it a fuck-you to HR? A way of easing tensions? A way for Liz to get people to stop talking to her about removing Diane as name partner because no one will want to ask if they’re really involved? Something else? Help me understand!

Curious to see where things go next. I can see LCK2 coming back for another episode but it also wouldn’t surprise me to never see him again. Similarly, I could see some glances/discussion of Diane and Liz’s romantic relationship next week, or I could see it never being mentioned again, or I could see it being mentioned next season out of the blue.

#tgf thoughts #the good fight

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aestheticaxolotl · 4 years

Text

V.I.L.E Headcanons

- Graham “Crackle” Calloway grew up in the poorer slims of Sydnee Australia where his parents struggled on a day to day basis to provide food for their 4 kids, Graham, being the oldest son felt the absolute need to help his parents provide for his three younger siblings. Doubling down in school, and getting the best grades he could (B’s and low A’s) and then diving into work as soon as he got out. -Graham started with small odd jobs until he got a part time gig with a rather cranky old electrician who had no love for anyone in his life. But he took Graham on as an apprentice because the stupid kid wouldn’t leave him alone. To his chagrin, the kid took to the job like a house on fire. This became important when he joine V.I.L.E -Tigress came from a troubled home to say the least. Her mom was an alcoholic and her dad was a blue-collared working class man who would gamble and chase after his dreams while squandering all the families money She resented her parents for these reasons and acted out as much as she possibly could, whether by robbing small stores or beating up younger kids on the play ground

-She started out trying to make a quick buck to help her momma pay the bills, not because she was showing kindness to her mom, but because the land lord had threatened to kick them out one too many times, and kept making lewd comments and suggestions that even Tigress would not allow her mother to take.

-El Topo’s story isn’t the happiest, seeing as his mother moved into America when he was very young, unable to afford to bring her husband and son with her at the time. Of course, El Topo’s father was not keen on being left behind and took his 12 year old son, attempting to smuggle him into America. Sadly, this would not end well seeing as El Topo’s father was shot and killed, and he was placed in foster care, unable to contact his mother.

-El Topo got out of the Foster care system when he was 18 and was homeless for a long time. He lived on the streets in Georgia, the last place his mom was having known working. He did everything he could to find his mom and was devastated to learn that his mother had moved to New York, remarried and had a daughter.

-Le Chevre’s mother died giving birth to him in Paris, France. His father being left alone to raise their one and only son, they had married young and had a baby younger, leaving the young father devastated and entirely loving of his young son. Le Chevre’s young life was full of music and love. His father worked as a caretaker in a French Theater, working up with the lights and the set pieces. -Young Le Chevre wasn’t as fascinated with the acting as he was with being high up and above the actors, it gave him a feeling of power and meaning while his father proposed that he take lessons to play instruments for the plays. HE did for about a week to please his hard working father, but took the gold star in thievery. To this day he still leaves large amounts of money on his’s father’s doorsteps as thanks for such a wonderful upbriging.

-Dash Harber grew up with a love of fashion and the stylistic life of the rich and famous. His parents, both very wealthy and distant from him, showered their son with gifts and money for doing nothing but existing. His parents ended up sending him away at the age of 15 (At his request) to his aunt “Cookie Booker” so that he could have a better, proper upbringing.

-Through his ‘Aunt Cookie’, he met the Dear Countess Cleo, who he took a major liking to the Countess, having a childhood crush on her. Cleo found the young gentlemen quiet endearing and took him under her wing, giving him the life he had know that he’d desired at a very young age. This came to bit him in the but when he started working for V.I.L.E. His parent identifying him during a caper and he had to go into hiding for quite a while. (His parents minds were wiped after this incident, as far as they are concerned now, they never had kids).

-Paperstar’s mother was a prostitute in Japan, and gave birth to her from an unknown father. Paperstar was devoted to her mother, even if she was not devoted to her daughter. She was usually there when her mother brought a man home, covering her ears when ever, what her mother called ‘Business work’, started.

-Young Paperstar started stealing from the men who her mother brought home when she was seven, doing this for many years before one man noticed and turned both Paperstar and her mother into the police. This enraged her mother and she disowned Paperstar, leaving the girl alone and vengeful, only wanting to look out for herself. (She might have killed her mom too, I’m still thinking on that one)

-Mimebomb was born in Ireland with their twin brother. When they were young their parents moved them to France. This is where they saw their first ever Mime, their mother had stopped at a shop and 3 year old Mimebomb had wandered off and stopped to watched a man with paint on his face act on a street corner. They realized they were lost and the Mime just... Scooped them up to help them find their mom and twin brother. This REALLY enforced in them that Mimes weren’t scary or freaky. (Their WHOLE family disagrees to this to this day)

-Spoiler, Mimebomb grew obsessed with Mimes and this really worried their parents. They sent him to a Psychologist, one Professor Maelstrom who was doing freelance work. Maelstrom found the phenomena rather interesting and kept track of Mimebomb for a very long time, it was Maelstrom who brought Mimebomb to V.I.L.E and showed them what their true calling was.

-Boris and Vlad.... I don’t have much for them but what I do have is rather... Boris and Vlad grew up in a very unwelcoming community. Russia at the time was very hostile towards outsiders and while their parents (They are not related, family friends in my eyes) had both of them in Russia, they were still not well accepted by their community, often bullied and beaten bloody by other kids, who forced them to clean up the mess after they finished beating them.

-This horrible childhood instilled a rather off form of PTSD and OCD in both of them that leads them to see every mess that a V.I.L.E operative made was something they had to clean up. Somehow, it was their fault and they had to fix and clean and pretend nothing ever happened.

-Cookie Booker is the Aunt of Dash Haber, she ADORES her Nephew and spoiled him rotten when he was a child, basically taking him in when he asked her too. She took great care to raise him the best she could, never having been able to have children herself, an event that let to her husband leaving her and marrying another woman.

-Cookie was also the woman who introduced Countess Cleo to Professor Maelstorm, a very monumental occasion in V.I.L.E history.

-Neal the Eel was just Neal as a kid. His mom and dad were performers in a Circus, a Magician and his Assistant. He used to adore the circus and wanted to be part of it as a contortionist/escape artist. He was bullied for his hypermobility ( similar to double-jointedness, but if it is progressively more serious it can create more problems for someone.) Causing him to end up resenting his upbringing and parents.

When Neal was 16 he began to break IN to prisons and then BREAK BACK OUT with a TON of the criminals inside. This quickly put him on V.I.L.E’s radar and they decided that they really wanted to recruit him. They made the offer and he vowed that he would never be seen as a joke like he was with the circus.

-MooseBoy was not the brightest kid in school, often picked on for being slow or stupid when he was really just a friendly kid with dyslexia. He almost flunked out of school and would have if not for this dorky looking kid who called himself “Otter”. Thus, a tense and rather abusive friendship formed.

-Otterman was the only reason that Mooseboy was able to graduate Highschool. They were a team, he was the brains (Still is) and Mooseboy the brawn (Still is). HE hated the fact that he was smaller and weaker and really took it out on his partner. Their first crime together was breaking into the school and stealing the principal’s desk on a dare.

-Spinkick and his half sister Flytrap have the same father, and different mothers. Their father lived a double life with his paramours only six miles from one and other. This affair was discovered by their moms and the two women ended up murdering their children’s father and then (unironically) falling in love with each other.

-Flytrap and Spinkick’s mothers moved in and the two kids were forced to get along, they ended up really caring about each other and watching each other’s backs and defending each other in school. Their mother’s never got caught by the way, just think about that.

-The Troll never had friends as a kid and met all his good good friends online, including Player (Plot twist?). Player and Troll got along like peanut butter and jelly, becoming a tag team in learning to hack and work with the internet system. The Troll became invested in trying to figure out how to lock down security systems like banks or Jail facilities (Seeing as his father was put in jail for robbing a back and killing a man who tried to stop him).

-This took Player aback and he began to back away from his friendship with The Troll. This didn’t matter to The Troll, he managed to shut down the security system where his father was being kept. This ends sadly due to the fact that his father doesn’t escape, but ends up dying in the break out. This caused him to draw back from people and remain in his room for a very long time.

Thanks for reading my ramble about V.I.L.E Operatives, I’ll be posting one for the Faculty soon!

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tanoraqui · 4 years

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Hi! I see you posting all this stuff about the Queen's Thief series and it really looks like my type of literature, but I can't keep up with all the names and locations. Would it be okay to ask for a non-spoilery rundown of who, what, and where?

Hell yeah [at a delay]. So, most of the series takes place on the Attolian Peninsula, which comprises of 3 countries: Sounis, Eddis, and Attolia. There are also a scattering of small islands generally associated with the peninsula. Eddis is a narrow country in the mountains between Sounis and Attolia and only has, like, 1 small port; Sounis and Attolia both have substantial coastlines. All are monarchies. The basic geopolitical plot of the books is these three countries making peace with one another so that together they can hold off hte encroaching Mede Empire.

It’s very low fantasy. Rifles and cannons exist, but they’re not that good yet; complex clockwork exists; steam engines do not. The Attolian Peninsua are heavily Ancient Greece-inspired, and the Mede are Persian-ish. Most importantly, there’s an entire made-up Greek-flavored mythology, as well as a Gilgamesh remix, stories of which are scattered through the books. Not only is this very neat, but the mythological figures often mirror the characters and are often vital to the plot. In fact, one of my favorite things about the series is how the whole thing feels very much like a myth in its own right, which some modern-day-in-that-world author has delved into and expanded on with fleshed-out characters and complex politics.

But you wanted a cast list. Most significant characters, in (probably) order of introduction, spoiler-free:

Eugenides, aka Gen, the central character of the series - though only the protagonist for the first couple books. Book and a half, really (the second is shared). Gen is a young progessional thief who is very good at calculating and carrying out complex and implausibly possible plans, and not always good at considering in advance consequences like “I will spend 6 months in jail” “I will have to move countries and take up a job I will hate”, “people might unironically admire and respect me, even though I don’t think I deserve it.” A wildly endearing manipulative asshole. Iconic quote: “I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT!”

the Magus (never named), a chief advisor to the King of Sounis. Canny old soldier-turned-scholar/politician who is the first person to hold a braincell re: “we need to unite or die.” Iconic quote: “I meant convince your queen to sue for peace, not burn our navy in its own harbor!”

Sophos, later Sounis*, the Nicest Young Man to ever be a Nice Young Man. Sweet muffin. Canonical bunny. Also canonical mankiller. Iconic line: “Not on the first vote.”

Attolia* Irene, Queen of Attolia. Her people love her and fear her; her barons, for the most part, just fear her; she kicks and screams (non-literally) and throws inkpots (literally), but she does relearn how to both be loved and give love in return. Iconic line [narration]: And she believed him.

Eddis* Helen, Queen of Eddis. There’s a mild running joke over the course of the series of mentioning that there’s nothing to do during Eddisian winters but [X], the 3 things mentioned are weapons training, threadcraft, and seducing one another’s spouses. The only one Eddis is suggested to be good at is weapons, but she’s the beloved and (almost entirely) undisputed queen of her country anyway. Iconic quote: “War, then.”

Nahuseresh, Medean ambassador, a mansplainer but competent as sneakily taking over someone else’s country while pretending to help them. More or less. Does not get an iconic line bc fuck him.

Kamet, later called Kamet Kingnamer, Nahuseresh’s slave and personal secretary. Nearsighted, translates poetry for fun, does NOT want to go on a multi-month (b)romance-building roadtrip. Does not have much choice in the matter, because he wants to be free and, more importantly, to survive. Iconic line [narration]: I noticed that a man on the dock with a duffel on one shoulder was very like Costis in poise and gait. The man turned onto the gangplank to board the ship, and my heart lifted, though I tried to squash what I thought was a ridiculous hope.**

Costis Ormentides, a lieutenant in the Attolian palace guard. Not remotely prepared for the political snakepit he’s thrown into through very little fault of his own, oh god this poor man, he just wants to serve his queen and have a little spare money to go out for wine with friends. Why are people trying to kill him. Why is he third wheeling his monarchs making out in the courtyard. Why is he being passive-aggressively forced to learn a foreign language. Iconic line action: *punches the king in the face*

Pheris Mostrus Erondites, second grandson of Baron Erondites of Attolia; historian and narrator of the last book in the series. Severely physically disabled, purposefully overlooked for all his life until particularly bitchy politics had him sent to the Attolian royal court (purposely on his part and on everyone else’s), very observant and twice as clever. Writes humanity beautifully. Iconic line [narration]: If I cannot record exactly what words were spoken at every moment, I can say with confidence what those words might have been, and in some cases what they must as been, as I saw what resulted from them being spoken, and can we not derive the words when we know the consequences of their utterance? *proceeds to write a historical account/novel more full of small moments of personhood and love both dramatic and casual than almost the rest of the series combined*

Relius, Attolian Master of the Archives (spymaster), trusted first within reason and then beyond it. Has many, many lovers.***

Teleus, Attolian Captain of the Palace Guard, A bit staid, but loyal, reliable, and entirely excellent at his job. Has only one lover.***

the Eddisian Minister of War, unnamed until the very end, fights with his youngest son a great deal in multiple senses of the word.

* It’s possible that some of your confusion may stem from people taking the names of their countries as titles upon ascending to the thrones. ** Yes I chose this quote bc it’s sweet but also bc it’s SUCH a nearsighted mood. *** Direct quotes from the character list at the end of the last book.

#queen's thief #random anon asks #queen's thief series #Anonymous

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