#an anxiety attack and i still think im going through it with the same intensity and i dont want to think or decide. you asked. you decide | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

violetnotez · 4 years

Text

⤷ Genre: Fluff

⤷ Word Count: 3161+

⤷ Warnings: cursing(?), mentions of panic attack

⤷ Synopsis: Welcome to Hannah simps for Shoto constantly and can’t decide on a fic so she writes EVERY IDEA SHE HAD

Buy Me a Ko-fi! | Requests Open| Matchups Closed

Also @shoutogepi is the reason why I’m a Shoto simp now so say thank u to her, cause without her this probably would’ve been a Bakugo fic lmao 😂💀

You groaned into the pillow, your icy hands trying to find refuge under the soft covering of the pillow.

Your body was shaking, every bone screaming in aches, your forehead thumping against your skull..this cold was kicking your ass.

“How are you feeling love? Do you need anything?”

Shoto asked sweetly, coming over to the bed you were currently laying on. He crouched down, his bicolored eyes watching your every move carefully. He placed his hand against your forehead, feeling your temperature as you closed your eyes wistfully at the sensation.

“I-Im good…,” you mumbled groggily, “I just want to sleep…”

Shoto smiled lightly-even while sick you were so incredibly adorable, probably even more so. You had come down with a cold a few days prior, nothing too serious, but he still wanted to take care of you while you were more weak.

“That's probably best for you,” he agreed. “Sleeping off the sickness will help you recover sooner.”

He stood up, his slender hands taking the covers of the bed and wrapping them around you more snuggly.

“Just close your eyes, Ill still be here when you wake up,”

He placed a small kiss on your forehead, his lips soft against your skin and his bicolored locks tickling your face.

You snuggle even deeper in the blankets, cuddling yourself up into them as a flustred smile grew on your face. Shoto’s lips felt so deliciously warm, and you wished you could envelope your whole body in that heat. No matter how many blankets you wrapped around you or how high you put the heat up, you still felt cold. It was a strange feeling, since you knew your temperature was actually higher than normal, but you couldn’t shake the unbearable freeze that was icing your bones.

“Can you turn up the heater tho, S-Shoto? I still feel really c-cold…” you stuttered, hating how cliche your shivers sounded.

Shoto turned to look at you, a worried look washing over his face.

“Its as high as it can go y/n, I cant make it any warmer,”

“-Oh”

That’s all you said, a pit of anxiety filling your stomach.

Well that was just great-now you couldn't get any warmer and have to suffer until this stuipd sickness went away.

Shoto knew you were unnaturally cold at the moment and needed special care because of it. He reassured himself that it was just a side effect of the sickness, and it wasn’t something he should worry about too much.

It didn’t bother him how hot it was either-the ice side of his quirk allowed him to regulate his temperature, keeping him nice and cool even as the heat in the room steadily rises as you kept asking him to raise it.

It broke his heart though to see you so cold and shivering, your body curled into a little ball to gain some type of sensation of warmth. Shoto looked down at his hands in defeat, wishing he could do something, anything, to relieve you of that discomfort.

Suddenly an idea popped in his head, lighting up his mind and making him feel quite dumb for not thinking of it earlier.

Your throat began to feel scratchy, but you felt too cold to actually crawl out of bed to go get some water. You rolled over, your body beginning to prop itself shakily on your elbows.

“Actually, Shoto, is it alright if you could get me a glass of-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHIRT?!”

You screeched, your eyes blown out of your sockets.

There was your boyfriend….of barely 2 months….strolling around with his shirt off like some sexy god. His collared shirt was balled neatly in his hands, his taut muscles rippling with each movement as he stood in his full glory.

You gulped, your eyes drinking in the scene in front of you. God, you knew he was ripped...but not this ripped.

You could wash clothes on his damn abs, they were that pronounced!

“I thought that since my quirk has heat qualities to it, you could use it to your benefit.” He said nonchalantly, as if the sight of him just flaunting his body wasn’t enough to make you want to pounce on him. “Am I- making you uncomfortable?”

“I-uh-np-no it doesn't, its just…” you were stuttering, your hands fidgeting in your lap. It felt like your tongue was made out of cotton, your eyes only able to focus on how adorably messy his hair looked from taking off his shirt. “I'm not used to..to seeing you-”

You had been dating Shoto for a month or so now, and you couldn’t be happier. But the boy was shy with physical touch, and you were honestly a little bit of the same way. You hadn’t seen him show more skin than right now, only getting glances when he trained and accidentally burned his training uniform. You had always wished to see more of his perfectly built body-but you always imagined you would have some warning.

Shoto fidgeted in front of the bed, his cheeks a soft shade of red.

“I can put my shirt back on y/n, it's no trouble-”

“Please don't do that!” You yelled hastily, your eyes screaming with desperation. “Honestly, that's the last thing I want you to do,”

Crap, you sounded so perverted! You basically yelled at him “Please stay half naked I love your body and I’m thirsty for you.”

You never wanted to kick yourself harder.

Shoto didn’t seem to notice your dilemma, only nodding his head. He began to walk over to the opposite side of the bed, your body feeling a dip in the bed as he sat on the mattress.

Your heart began to quicken, staring at those bi colored eyes...god, he was so damn close.

“Very well then...skin to skin contact would be best. It’ll ensure the heat transfers directly to you.”

You gulped, propping yourself up more so you were now sitting up. HIs tone was so warm, so inviting, you could completely just melt into it like honey. But nervousness began to floss your stomach, making your whole body feel heavy-how he worded his sentence, he almost made it seem like he wanted you to undress to. God-the thought made your ears tinge pink, your eyes quinting to helplessly close that flustering thought away. It was tempting….but-Shoto was too modest to suggest something like that, especially when you were sick.

He leaned in close to you, each muscle in his arms rippling in a chain reaction as he took your hand in his own.

You were amazed at how warm his skin felt, the iciness in your veins scorched away by his touch. A sigh escaped your lips, relishing in that wonderful feeling. You were already craving more of that delicious warmth, your aching body crawling towards your shirtless boyfriend.

All worry and nervousness seemed to fade ever so slightly, your icy hands tentatively touching the boy's body. Your fingers trailed lightly against his ribcage, the sensation shooting electricity throughout Shoto’s body.

Shoto stiffened at the initial contact-he still felt extremely flustered with physical touches, but he began to melt into it and relish the feeling of your skin on his. Your arms wrapped gently around his broad shoulders, a small grin enveloping on s\Shoto’s face as he felt you snuggle your cheek into the crook of his neck.

“Are you sure this isnt a sneaky way for you to see me shirtless?” you joked, your voice muffled from your lips pressed against his skin.

Oh god-his instantly felt his quirk intensify, his flusterness taking over. His skin immediately began to heat up, his cheeks blushing starkly from your words.

“Oh no-I-I didnt mean it like that-my intent t was for you to stay clothed, I just-”

He was a stammering mess, and you couldn't find it any cuter. You giggled at his obvious nervousness, your lips pressing a kiss to his cheeks to quiet his stammering.

“Its fine, Shoto, I know you're a gentleman-,” you giggled, your hold on the boy becoming tighter as you soaked in his wonderful heat

“And Besides-your warmer when your flustered”

You snuggle yourself deeper into his shoulder, Shoto’s cheks tinged with a more intense red. You were so sweet and adorable in his eyes, his body loving every second of you touching his bare skin. Every caress felt like pure electricity was coursing through his veins, sending shivers down his back and head.

“Are you sure that wasn't a sneaky way to intensify my quirk y/n?” he asked cheekily, his voice having a hint of playfulness in it

Now it was your turn to blush, a small nervous giggle slipping out of your mouth

“Maybe…” you said, almost like a child who was caught doing something they weren't supposed to.

Shoto chuckled, his head turning to plant a quick kiss along your scalp.

God- you were too cute for your own good.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

(⚠️Mentions of panic attack!⚠️)

It was the dead of the night, an intense feeling of panic flooding the room.

You had just had a nightmare, the scene so real and intense that even when you woke up, you were sweating with uncontrollable fear.

Everything felt so small-the walls of the room were crushing your lungs, the sheets were tangling your legs together in a vise, the shadows felt like demons crawling to swallow you whole.

Shoto had thankfully woken up when you did, the sound of your muffled screams making him shoot up out of dead sleep.

But even with your protective boyfriend so close to you, reassuring you that you were okay and safe, you still felt like you were full of panic.

“Shoto-pls-I cant-cant-” you panted out, your voice cracking with anxiety. You couldn't get a breath of air it seemed like, as if your body was getting suffocated by your own mind.

Shoto was worried-he had never seen you so worked up, so terrified as if something was going to happen to you at any moment. He tried to comfort you, his hands gripping your shoulders in order to ground you, but it wasn't working- you were having an attack of some sort, your mind unable to bring you down from your panic.

“Y/n, you're fine, everythings fine-” he tried to reassure you soothingly, but it didn't work, your eyes still wide with terror.

“It doesn't feel fine!” you cried in panic, “ Everything is crazy, and heavy, I cant think straight Shoto I cant-”

Shoto felt his heart break hearing your voice- you almost sounded desperate, as if you were begging him to help you.

He cupped your face in his hands, his intense bi-colored eyes staring into you. Even in the dark, Shoto could see how shaken you were by your dream-your eyes were big and doe-like, shining as tears threaten to spill out. It made his heart ache, his mind determined to bring you down from your attack.

“-Give me your hands.” he commanded softly, his voice deep and silky. Your eyes widen ever so slightly, your breath still irregular and intense as you slowly gripped his wrists. Your digits were shaking as they wrapped around his skin, his hand quickly detaching from your face to entangle with your fingers.

“Just focus on my voice. Can you do that for me my love? Just focus on me-nothing else.”

You quickly close your eyes, trying to do exactly what your boyfriend instructed you to do.

“What does that feel like?”

A strong sensation of cold filled your hands, the icyiness nipping at your skin. It shocked you at first,the sting an unwelcome sensation. But then your skin slowly got used to the foreign touch, the dull pain bringing a starker clarity to your mind.

“It-its cold,” your words felt thick as they stumbled out of your mouth, each one a labor to process out of your cluttered mind. But it was slowly getting less foggy, the sensation gently swiping the panic away.

“What else?”

“Its smooth, like-like silk. And slippery,” your eyes were scrunched shut, desperately trying to form your words. It was still a struggle, but getting slightly easier to just focus on his touch.

“Good, you're doing wonderful-” Shoto congratulated, his tone having a hint of relief. He could already notice how you were affected by his ice, happy that it was helping you in some way. “how does it feel against your palms,”

“It kinda stings but...it's nice,”you smiled, the panic already ebbing out of you. Your breath was finally normal, your mind felt clear, and the panic inside you had deceased. “ It hurt at first but then its numbs so I can feel it.”

“Do you feel better? More grounded?” Shoto asked, his tone worried, but a part of him already knew the answer. The small, tired smile on your lips and your soft expression told him loud and clear you had finally calmed yourself from your panic.

You opened your eyes tentatively, a hum of acknowledgement ringing from your lips.

Shoto smiled at you, relief washing over his face. But he wanted you to completely rid yourself of the panic, worried that if you weren't calm enough, you’d fall asleep and wake again to another nightmare.

“Take a few deep breaths-it will reconnect you alot better.” he stated softly, watching you close your eyes again and slowly breath.

Inhale...exhale-repeat.

You did this three times, each one grounding you more and more. The room felt cool and spacious again, the sheets werent suffocating anymore, and you finally felt at peace with yourself once again.

A small blush of embarrassment began to creep on your cheeks, as the realization struck you that you had had a full blown panic in the middle of the night.

“Thank you… Im so sorry I freaked out so much-” you apologized, your face flustered from your actions.

Shoto only smiled, his other hand busy at work to slowly melt the ice on your palms.

“Y/n, dont apologize. That was your body’s reaction to stress, something you cant control. Just-if you ever feel like that again, please don't hesitate to get me.”

The ice was now a pool of water on the bed, the sheets sucking up the silky droplets .Shoto gave you a loving smile, his hand tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and leaning in to plant a gentle kiss against your forehead

“ I can help you,love-I just don't want you going through that alone,”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

You twisted on the sofa, your face smashed against a pillow as you tried to forget about the excruciating pain in your core.

“DAMN MY UTEREUS,” you yelled into the pillow in frustration, your words muffled against the fabric.

“Is everything alright y/n-san?” Shoto asked, his eyebrows cocked up in worry.

Shoto was fully aware that this week was your “period” week, the intense cravings and sudden moodiness days prior signalling the dreaded time. Shoto was pretty, well, clueless to the female system, only knowing the basics from school health classes. He had felt slightly nervous around you all week, tending to you as if you were sick and in need of his care.

Of course you had told him that all the attention wasn't necessary, you could survive on your own, but that didn't stop him from doing little things like buying you the food you were craving or a fresh set of feminine products. He wanted to prove to you and himself he could take care of you.

You groaned again, a wave of intense pain making you curl into yourself.

“No…” you grimaced, “ I feel like there’s a butcher hacking at my insides and this damn water bottle is doing nothing-”

Shoto cocked his head, looking up from the book he was reading.

“Water bottle?What is that used for?”

Sure enough, there you were, your hands placing a water bottle wrapped in a thin layer of paper towels against your lower back. Your hands were pushing against it, almost to get it as close to your skin as your face contorted with pain.

“Well...I kind lost my heat pad,” you explained,” so this is my next best solution to just heat this thing up-but its not doing anything-”

Shoto looked at you, his heart breaking at the look of utter discomfort on your face. You looked as though you couldn't take it anymore, your lips quivering and your eyes threatening to spill tears. It was absolutely painful for Shoto, and he felt like it was his duty to at least help alleviate the havoc going on inside your body.

He scooted his body next to yours, his eyes soft with concern. You noticed a dip in the couch as Shoto sat closer to you, the sensation of his hands wrapping around your waist making your eyes shoot open.

Before you could register what was going on, Shoto had expertly pulled your body into his lap, your breath knocked out of your chest and your heart thumping. The water bottle was long forgotten on the floor, your knees cradling Shoto’s sides as he looked at you with those intense, bi-colored eyes

“Can I see if I can be of any help?” he asked, his voice low

“Sure,” you gulped out, “ but I dont know if-uhuh-”

Shoto’s hands wrapped fury against your lower back, his palms radiating an intense heat you had been craving for . The heat was so soothing, something you had desperately needed, and you couldn't help but slump against the man in relief.

“Does that feel a little better, love?”

“God, so much better,” you exhaled out

This is what it felt like to be painless? You seriously loved you boyfriend… you reached around your back to place your hand on his own, guiding his delicious heat to the most critical areas

“Ah...can you do a little lower,,that's it, right there-”

You smiled in relief as you found the perfect spot, your arms wrapping around Shoto’s neck lovingly.

“Who knew you had so many talents Shoto? I have to keep a list of all the amazing uses for that quirk of yours-” you joked, your cheeks nuzzling itself into his neck.

“Also-Im just telling you right now that I wont be leaving your lap for the next few hours-”

Shoto smiled, his cheeks a warm shade of red. DId you always have to be this cute, nuzzling your head into him like a little kitten? He lifted his left hand up to your head, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Oh thats alright, love, that doesnt bother me one bit-”

You lifted your head up in shock, a surprised grin enveloping on your face.

“THE Shoto Todoroki? Being flirty? Never thought Id see the day-”

Shoto smiled at you, his bi-colored eye twinkling with adoration. You felt your heart skip a beat, that warm hand on your lower back intensifying as he planted a warm kiss to your cheek

“Only for you dear,”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

#bnha #bnha x reader #hannah fangirls #shoto x reader #bnha shoto x reader #mha shoto x reader #todoroki x reader #bnha todoroki x reader #mha todoroki x reader #shoto fluff #bnha fluff #bnha shoto fluff #mha shoto fluff #shoto

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wall-maria-fritz · 3 years

Text

The Wingman (Erwin Smith x Marie)

Chapter 1: The Girl

Reposting this because I am officially overhauling my @levi-lives blog, in lieu of this one because SOMEONE Tumblr won't let my posts show up from there anymore! grrrr.

@levi-lives blog is still up tho, if you would like still see my original posts

The Wingman: MASTERLIST

Summary:

Before Erwin Smith and Nile Dawk became respected commanders of the Scouting Legion and the Military Police, they were good friends during their cadet days at the 92nd Cadet Corps. They, along with Mike Zacharias, were young, full of vigor, on the rise to greatness, and had a taste for women and booze.

And they all planned to join the coveted ranks of the Military Police.

But when Nile asked Erwin to write his love letters for a woman named Marie, Erwin starts thinking that maybe even a man like him could dream of falling in love.

Nile once scoffed at Erwin at how he could trade Marie for a life of Titans and death. And this is why.

Author’s Note: Ngl, this quarantine is really getting into my extrovert head, and my emotional and mental health is taking one heck of skinny dip. I NEED human interaction ASDGHJKL AND SO I THOUGHT why not translate all this quarantine angst and anxiety into a story! This idea came to me while cooking for the 2382 time during quarantine and it’s been stick in my head ever since! I’ve always been curious about what happened between Erwin and Marie and thought this would be a fun (albeit heartbreaking) story to tackle.

I wrote this while listening to one the songs from the AOT soundtrack— 2chijou by Hiroyuki Sawano, and Hey Barbara by IV of Spades try listening to it while reading!

Chapter 1: The Girl

The April heat was unforgiving and harsh as the cadets of the 92nd Cadet Corps went about their usual afternoon sparring session. The clear blue skies and the wildflowers scattered about the compound in full bloom casted a perfect backdrop to the heady atmosphere of the early summer. And as beautiful as the day may be, it was also such a bitch.

Erwin Smith and Nile Dawk shrugged off their caramel jackets to prepare for a spar. Their white shirts are already sticking to their backs beneath the April sun. Erwin was just about ready to take down Nile and get over the spar in time for a nice cool shower, and a cigarette paired with a cool glass of whiskey.

And maybe a woman on his lap.

“I’m telling you Erwin, you should have been there. She was gorgeous.”

Erwin rolled his blue eyes at his friend. Nile had just easily spent the morning all but swooning to Erwin about a girl he just met during one of his and Mike’s romps to a bar in Wall Maria’s central hub called Titan Territory. Usually, Erwin would accompany the two, but he just so happened to be off on a visit to his mother at Wall Rose with his brother. The blonde cadet has yet to see the girl, but he does know enough from his friend that “Fuck she was gorgeous! With blazing ginger curls and bright hazel eyes! And her lips! They looked so sweet and plump. With a curvy body to match too!”

“She was like an angel sent by the Goddesses themselves, man,” Nile continued to gush, rubbing his stubble while lost in thought at the mystery girl. Erwin gave a wry smile. Still, he did find some amusement in seeing his friend act like a clingy schoolgirl. Erwin smirked at the raven haired man before him, rolling back his broad shoulders, flexing his muscles for a fight. He was vaguely aware of the lingering glances from the female cadets on the field. “Do you even know her name? Or were you just too busy kissing the ground she walked?” Nile stopped rubbing his peach fuzz, his alabaster features flushing even brighter despite the intense heat.

“I was drunk. I can’t remember her name.”

Erwin chuckled, shaking his head. He carded his hands through his hair, shaking the sweat out of his blonde hair. “You’re too drunk to remember, or she wouldn’t tell you?” The blonde cocked a thick eyebrow.

Nile glared at him as he unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves— At 6’3” Erwin Smith was a good five inches taller than him, and packed more punch and muscle at that. If Nile had any hope of beating the large man, he had to be quick and agile. He needed as much mobility as he could get.

The two men got into position.

“Shut up, poor thing was probably too shy.”

“There’s a fine line between being shy and refusing to entertain a perv,” Erwin jabbed, to which Nile scoffed at.

“OI! SCRUFFY AND EYEBROWS!”

The resounding bark of Cadet Corps Commander, Valentin Müller disturbed the two cadet’s banter. The man was a nightmare. He quite literally looks like a walking corpse, with his eyes sunk in so low into his head, it looked like a talking skull.

“WHAT ARE YA TWO MILKMAIDS GOSSIPING ABOUT?!”

The veins in Müller’s neck might as well have popped out as the old commander’s cold eyes bore into them.

“WHAT ARE YA WAITING FOR?! A TITAN TO SUCK YA DICK?! YA BETTER START PUNCHING EACH OTHER OR IM GOING TO PERSONALLY CART YA PUSSIES OFF TO A TITAN ORGY!”

“Sweet Sina, Müller take a happy pill,” Erwin thinks as he makes eye contact with Nile.

Both men answer back with a firm “Yes Sir!” Nile, the bastard, whispers under his breath, “Corpse Cock’s going to cart us off because he knows he can’t land a punch on us himself.”

Erwin smirks at the brilliant nickname his brother coined for the old commander. The two men knew that they had to start sparring if they didn’t want Müller hounding their ass. Erwin could sense the shift in Nile’s stance. How he dug his feet into the dry dirt of the sparring field in order to stabilize his center of gravity, ready to spring into action. Erwin knew Nile was quick on his feet. And the stubbled man meant business. All Erwin had to do was wait for his first move.

And take the first move he did. Nile, quick as fox, lunged forward to land a solid punch to Erwin’s head. Erwin managed to dodge the blow, but soon, Erwin was on the defensive. The taller man started blocking Nile’s successive attacks until he found an opening; Nile may be faster, but Erwin certainly was smarter.

As a frustrated Nile started throwing punches and kicks in reckless abandon, itching to hit the blonde, he got lucky and landed a blow to the gut. Erwin grunted, and immediately saw the triumph in his opponent’s eyes.

Erwin smirked.

First rule of sparring— a fight isn’t a victory unless you send your opponent to the ground.

Erwin latched onto Nile’s dominant punching arm with a death grip, and twisted the man’s limb behind his back. Nile moved to elbow Erwin in the face but the tall blonde let his advantage in size and strength propel his body to throw Nile over his back. Nile hit the dirt with a heavy thud, the back of his skull knocking on the ground. But he wasn’t quite done yet. Without missing a beat, Nile swept his leg out, knocking Erwin off balance. Nile was on top of Erwin the moment the blonde was on the ground. But before Nile can give the final blow, Erwin knees him in the stomach and rolls over Nile’s buckled form. Erwin immediately reached for the wooden training knife in his boot and positioned it above Nile’s jugular.

“You’re a son of bitch to kill, you know that?”

Erwin was breathless and sweating buckets. Nile was just the same, as he held his hands palms up in surrender. “Part of the magic, Eyebrows.”

“OI MAGGOTS!” Müller’s roar made the two look up. Around them, a number of cadets— most of whom are women— have stopped their own sparring to watch Erwin and Nile fight. One female cadet was even openly fanning herself, looking straight at Erwin.

“STOP WATCHING EYEBROWS AND SCRUFFY HAVE SEX AND KEEP FIGHTING. TRAINING ISN’T OVER YET SCUMBALLS!”

The cadets resumed their sparring with a shaky “Yes Sir!” Once satisfied, Müller stalked off to terrorize some other poor cadet as he glanced at the two vehemently.

Erwin got up on his feet, then held out a hand to his friend. Nile accepted it, rubbing the growing bump at the back of his head. “By the Walls Erwin, could you tell Derek to stop fucking Müller’s daughter so he could stop chewing us out like the gum off his shoe?” Nile frowned as Erwin tossed him a jug of water from the refreshments area under a tree. “I’ve tried that one already. My brother’s a stubborn piece of shit. You think I like Müller hounding my ass?” Erwin replied, his deep voice gravelly in exhaustion. He started chugging down the soothing liquid. His sculpted Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he drank, once again feeling quite a few female stares on him.

“Look at you, a tomcat even without trying.”

Mike Zacharias’ hulking form approached them. His spar has long since finished after making quick work of his opponent in less than two minutes. Mike, for all intents and purposes, was a deadly weapon masked in his calm facade. He stood even taller than Erwin at 6’5” and had the ability to combine Nile’s quick reflexes, and Erwin’s eye for observation (or rather nose) with his own brutal strength and power.

“I could smell all the girls creaming up for you,” Mike smirked.

He is also a lecherous bastard, made even more disconcerting with his ability to ‘sniff people out’. Whatever the fuck that means.

“Better a tomcat than a dog in a rut,” Erwin smirked in reply.

“And that brother is why they call me Bloodhound.” Mike grinned boyishly.

There isn’t a soul in the Cadet Corps who didn’t know about Mike’s many conquests, and he is certainly fine with that.

Mike watched as Nile poured the remaining contents of his jug over his face. He was in desperate need of a cool off and the summer heat was not helping the throbbing in his head. Mike let his large bulk of a body lean against a tree and jabbed his thumb at Nile’s direction. “I take it this one has told you about his new obsession?”

“It’s not an obsession.”

“It’s an obsession if you won’t stop talking about a girl who’s name you don’t even know for three days straight.”

Nile gave Mike a dirty look and flashed his middle finger after he shook off the water from his dark hair, a few dew drops clinging to the unusually long and thick eyelashes that framed his silver eyes. The men heard more than a few feminine gasps at the action.

Meanwhile, Erwin’s blue eyes grew wide. “Three days? I just got back yesterday. Damn, Nile you got it bad,” the blonde chuckled, placing a large hand on his hip as he drank some more water.

“Yeah. Why wait to know her name when you can just corner her in a room and pin her down,” Mike laughed, his deep husk carrying over the warm breeze.

“Because I don’t operate that way,” came Nile’s serious reply.

“i d0N’t oPEraTe tHaT wAy” Erwin and Mike nearly doubled over in a fit, once again causing the girls to gaze over the three handsome men lounging beneath a tree.

But it was true, Nile didn’t operate that way.

Where Mike fucked around with his women in abandon, and Erwin prefered the intoxicating art of seductive subtlety, Nile tended to be the more romantic of the three. While Nile Dawk—with his rugged good looks and his ‘messy but sexy’ appearance, has had more than his fair share of flings and fucks— liked to be sweet to whichever woman he was currently having a fleeting affair with.

“Oh piss off you two. Don’t act as if you won’t jump at the first chance to drink at the Territory then jump at a girl.” The tall blonde man and the tall brunette grinned at each other cheekily.

Yes they certainly would.

—————

Erwin has never been to the Titan Territory. But something about the bar’s lowlighting, sensual music, and the dark haired beauty writhing on his lap told him he’ll soon be a happy regular.

Erwin’s hands held the woman’s waist as he pushed her hips forward to press into his, the woman threw back her silky dark hair with a quiet moan. The large blonde started suckling on her exposed clavicle.

God, Erwin loved brunettes.

He slowly ran his lips up to her slender neck as he reached her ear to whisper hotly, “You’re certainly giving me a pleasurable welcome, Elena.” The woman’s perfume was almost as intoxicating as the whiskey he just downed. Elena pressed her hands onto Erwin’s solid chest, her exotic amber eyes peeking at him lustfully. “I had a feeling you aren’t from around here, Soldier.”

Erwin gave a husky chuckle. His distinct Wall Rose accent was quite often a dead giveaway. He tried to hide the twang during the beginning of his Cadet Training, thinking it would bring him unnecessary attention from his many Wall Marian classmates, wondering what a college educated Wall Rose kid like him is doing training to be in the military. But now that the cat’s out of the bag thanks to Müller furiously announcing it to the whole class during their Introductions Ceremony, Erwin found that the accent not only earns him a subconscious sense of respect from his intimidated classmates, but also that Marian women love to flock a man from the inner Walls.

Erwin ran his large hands up her sides. “And neither are you, kitten.” Elena’s exotic olive skin and cat-like eyes told Erwin she must be from the Eastern District of Wall Maria, who were known for their sunshine, coffee, and perfumes.

Erwin captured her lips with his, his thumbs grazing the sides of her abundant breasts. Elena purred, and was breathless when she broke the kiss and said heatedly to Erwin, “Well then, why don’t you and I book a room upstairs and tell each other just what… we’re doing here.”

She moves in to kiss Erwin’s thick neck, her hands gripping his strong shoulders. Erwin raised a thick eyebrow. “Tsk tsk kitten, so impatient.” He gestures at his glass. “What about another drink?” Elena pouted at the blonde man, clearly riled up and disappointed. “Don’t be a tease, Erwin!” Erwin gave the woman a peck on the lips then a light smack to her ass. “You’ve seen nothing yet.”

Elena reluctantly got off his lap and took his glass to refill it at the back of the bar.

“Goddamn. Not even 30 minutes in, and you’ve already got one of the barmaids drooling on your lap. And I thought you’d have more self-restraint than that one.” Nile jabbed a thumb at Mike, who was very clearly enjoying fondling the breast of a blushing blonde girl. The two men could just imagine all the vulgar things the brute must be whispering to the helpless girl. The dark haired man took a drink of his ice cold beer, mumbling, “Thank god we’re not in uniform.”

Erwin laughed clapping his friend at the back. “Hey man, we’re not so bad! At least we actually got our girl’s name,” The blonde grinned cheekily. Nile rolled his eyes to the heavens, already hearing this joke before. “Whatever, Eyebrows. Just you wait till she gets here. You’ll wish you saw her first!”

“Wait.” Erwin takes in the fact that Nile hasn’t been drinking all the hard liquor he usually loved, and is nursing a pretty boring mug of beer and half a cigarette instead. “Have you been waiting for her? Shit Nile, since when were you such a sap!” Nile was about to snap back a retort when his silver eyes looked over Erwin’s shoulder, and his breath hitched.

“One of you boys ordered a whiskey?”

Erwin swiveled back smoothly to finally see his friend’s mystery girl. Only to see a familiar face.

“Marie?”

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taikanyohou · 4 years

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The reaction was really interesting. I agreed with a lot of Bright’s point and it was nice to see a different perspective. I really wish they had showed it in the show. You can tell Bright is really attached to Sarawat and it hurts his heart to see the pain. It also showed me that the finale could have been loads better with a few cute scenes and a proper discussion. This is what Bright was talking about. At the end of the day it was the lack of communication.

Ahh I loved that reaction video and I loved seeing Bright talking about Sarawat’s point of view. I’m sure one of the reasons they bought him was the amount of shit he was getting from some people. This however also showed me what the show lacked. Though I loved 2gether.. most of the time we saw things were Tine’s perspective. It would have really been good to see it from Sarawat’s perspective in the last episode. You can also see Bright’s frustration at times with how they portrayed Sarawat.

I assume you watching the reaction video atm! Let me say this boy gives me heart attacks like how thoughtful he is and wants to explain sarawat’s every move since episode 12 and why he acted the way he acted. I felt like he kept it inside for so long that it needed to be spoken out like when he wanted to see a reaction from P’Jennie how he looked away and then right back at her. He was so stressed and on the edge the whole time! How he repeatedly said he’s sorry for Sarawat cause he knows that everyone was sorry for Tine but didn’t get to see/understand his side of version. He also zoned out in a couple of scenes like this boy has sooo many emotions and it feels it’s too overwhelming for him(I feel that at least). I’m so grateful that Bright exists and talk about loving a man and to feel love so freely!! He could’ve said so much in the end but instead it was more like an apology for hurting Tine and how his character works. He understands Sarawat so much. I’ll cry. I didn’t thought my opinion would be that long... he’s speaking so enthusiastically about Sarawat and what his character taught him. This boy is really a blessing for the 2gether + lgbt+ community I love him he’s a child like a babie :((

Bright just wants to smooch his co-star but the universe won’t let him.

hiii anons!!! i’m gonna combine all of your asks into one bc we’re all essentially talking about the same thing.

yeah. so. the ep 13 reaction video. lets talk about it.

firstly, i ... it will never cease to astound me just how much bright loves sarawat? he knows him with every fibre of himself. he knows sarawat right down to the tendon and bone of him. like. bright’s taken so much time out to character study sarawat, get into his psyche and mind and heart. and. i hate novel! sarawat, but, bright’s taken that character, and made it his own, completely transforming him. and that takes so much understanding and commitment and passion. truly, we don’t deserve bright. we really don’t. and i am so thankful we got bright to play sarawat. no body else could have done sarawat better than bright. so much so that like .... they both overlap, bright and sarawat. sometimes its hard to distinguish where sarawat ends and bright begins.

and like some of yall said, i think it was a very clever ... move (?) ... to star bright to react to ep 13, solo, without win. bc, like yall mentioned, and like im gonna dwell on now: 2gether was entirely from tine’s perspective. it reminds me a bit of skam, in that way, that ... ya know even tho i’ve watched skam and i should KNOW this, but i still forget just how POWERFUL perspectives are. and how much they influence your way of thinking. i touched upon this after ep 12, but now after watching bright react to the whole of ep 13, like, it comes back to that. we saw everything through tine’s eyes. and so, it felt like, sarawat’s side needed to be justified. but it could never be done on the show bc the show was about tine’s perspective. and the only way it could have been done, is if they both would have talked.

which brings me onto my next point, that bright mentions - the biggest barrier and fault was they both don’t know how to talk. i touched upon this just yday actually, how sarawat is someone who doesn’t know how to talk, he’s more of a do-er (like bright said), whereas tine is someone who overthinks himself to the point of sickness and anxiety and so he doesn’t know how to voice that out, and like bright said, tine is someone who is EXTREMELY obedient - if someone says something to him to do, tine will go along and do that and won’t say no to them. which means that tine himself has had very little experience of going with his gut and how he feels, and when he comes face to face in a situation like that, it becomes Very overwhelming for him.

so, it was really clever to have bright on, solo, to explain everything from his and sarawat’s perspective. especially the bit where bright was like “everytime someone flirted with tine, wat never once questioned his trust for tine or their love, he would go directly to the person in question and deal with them.” and ... ya know, that’s more easier for sarawat to do, than it is for tine, who isn’t like that at all - like bright said, tine is the more obedient one who just follows along everybody else’s suggestions and has never really used his agency to decision make for himself.

and so ... yeaah. like. people sent a LOT of verbal abuse to bright after ep 12. and bright even said he knew it would happen, bc the entire series is from tine’s perspective, he understood that from well before. so he says he was prepared, but he still didn’t come on social media that often bc he got so much verbal abuse over it.

and like, i’ve said before, just like how jennie and go said in the reaction video, that we should have got less flashbacks in the finale, and instead, we could have had a more sweeter scene. that could have been and should have been a proper, open and honest conversation between tine and sarawat, or, as bright suggested, a kiss. so, ya know, as some people were saying that maybe bright was just uncomfortable about kissng win??? no. no he wouldnt be AT ALL. it just ... never occured in the script. but yeah. i think .......... it really did get to bright - that sarawat never on the show got a chance to explain.

which honestly makes me feel like thats why half the time he would improvise as sarawat? and add in things he KNOWS sarawat would/should do bc he KNOWS the depths of his love for tine so he used those moments so smartly to show that (a sign of v v v good acting!!!). like a marriage proposal, or putting tine’s hand over his shoulder, or adding in cheek kisses. like. bright’s really gone over and beyond for sarawat and tried to show just how intensely in love wat is with tine, with the little space and room for manoeuvre that he got granted.

idk if the some of scripts were written in a rush? i mean, 2gether was the FIRST show from gmmtv to air in 2020 - if i’m correct???? - so, between november to february, the had to get everything shooted and done, but they MUST have started script writing earlier than that. idk ...

personally, i do wish we did get some more of the novel scenes in the show. like, sarawat and tine coming out to sarawat’s dad was SUCH a BEAUTIFUL scene in the novel but we never got it on the show. why? bc it was from sarawat’s perspective, not tine’s. another really nice scene, is the cinema scene where they held hands, but on the show we got a different version of it, where instead, they talked about a happy or tragic ending before tine decides to accept being wat’s boyfriend and they hug (i like that scene though, purely bc we got to see win’s crying which was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING! and the hug was SUPER sweet!).

but yeah, it .... idk. seeing bright in that reaction video in some moments Hurt. bc .... there was so much he wanted to say but he kept it in. and he’d just glance and sigh and look down or away bc he GETS sarawat in a way i think nobody else does. and so ..... had the show had more time, or was able to cut out some scenes and replace them with other and rewrite bits, we could have gotten sarawat’s perspective, and not had the show completely butcher sarawat’s image in ep 12 the way they did, only for them to then have less than one episode, a finale no less, to save his face again, whilst also tying up every other plot at the same time.

like, bright has SO MUCH to offer as sarawat. and bright says he doesnt know about a season 2 (yet), but, ya know, if we ever got to see tine and sarawat again, i kinda wish they allow bright more freedom - bc he understands his character a lot more better than the writers do, i feel. he gets sarawat on soul deep level. so i just wish they’d give bright more freedom to be sarawat. and i have no doubt that, if that had been the case, we would have gotten a LOT more physical intimacy between tine and sarawat. i’m not mad about the lack of it, but, i’m assuming that bright would have really made sarawat be a lot more physical with tine. but at the same time, i agree with bright when he said that tine and wat are people who show their affections to one another in private - which is why i am SO ...... upset that we never got to see tine and wat ALONE in the one year later scene, bc, like i said, they WOULD have been a LOT LOT LOT more intimate then. but they weren’t alone. so they weren’t intimate. which. yeah.

but at the same time, ya know, bright’s so .... like. he gets where the hurt for tine stems from. just like how he gets sarawat’s character, he gets tine’s too. but like he said, he’s lived and breathed wat since day one - and so, i think he just really wanted a chance to explain everything from sarawat’s point of view. he really didn’t need to apologise at all, and yet he did, on behalf of wat hurting tine.

so whilst i know its just said that oh ya know bright should just write the whole of s2, i kinda wish, if we were to get one, that they writers would sit down and LISTEN to bright and win and take some input of theirs in, since, they’re the ones who KNOW their characters and play them.

but yeah, bright’s mind. his intellect. his knowing of sarawat ............. it will never cease to amaze to me just how dedicated he was at an emotional and psychological level to play sarawat.

#faiza answers

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theadorablespderman · 5 years

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Everything to love about Far From Home not in this order:

Literally seeing that opening with all our loved avengers that are no more.

Whitney Houston “I will always love you” made me cry because damnit Tony’s face was right THERE! NOT OK!

The blip footage was pretty damn funny not gonna lie.

Peter’s cute ass plan to tell MJ how he feels.

MJ’s favorite flower being a Black Dalia because of the murder. Literally a girl I can relate too. Murderinos for life sister. Idk but it just made her sooo relatable!

The fact that Brad is a kid grown up from the blip and that made him seem all the weirder for MJ.

Jealous Peter was so freaking amazing! Oh my gosh! That face he’d get. I’m a sucker for jealousy and they did it so good.

Making MJ this awesome character she was before but also obviously has this softer layer where she does have flaws and insecurities and she’s really sweet but also so badass. That was amazing.

The starting relationship between Peter and Beck. It was cute and so I was sad knowing that Beck was somehow going to be the villain.

Also let’s talk about how Beck is basically Syndrom from the incredibles.

That scene with Peter and Brad....the pure terror when he snapped that picture

Also seeing how big of a dick Brad is and how unhealthy jealous he was.

“Nick Fury” getting ghosted, showing up in Venice, tranquilising Ned (don’t touch him you monster) and then promptly highjacking Peters Summer trip.

Showing the emotional trama Peter is going through. The anxiety, the greiving. It was very reminiscent of Iron Man 3 when Tony suffers from PTSD after the battle of New York. I loved that they showed Peter reacting as any kid would, many adults too, which is to just try and forget anything happened but being faced with the reality every day. So well done.

Happy and May’s relationship. Enough said 😂😂

I feel cheated we didn’t see Mr delmore again.

Addressing all the problems the Blip/Snap created. High school aging, school, drinking ages, homelessness and housing issues. That’s just the start of it I’m sure but they covered those pretty well and I love that.

The technology that made Beck into Misterio was so well done. Instead of some frankly, kinda far fetched story that he came from an alternate earth (which I was willing to believe but felt it was a cop out in terms of plot and character) they showed the real world issues that superhero’s can create. The Enemies that have a real deep rooted hatred for hero because they’ve personally been betrayed or wronged by them. Because marvel has always made clear, everyone is not on the hero’s side.

Steeping Misterio’s powers in tech which is classing marvel but again, so brilliantly done in this movie. I loved the development. Because at first glance, half way through, I was thinking “wow this is really kinda weird and unexplained and too witchcraft for what marvel usually brings to the superpower backstory” I know it’s weird to say after everything marvel has done. But it seemed just a tad out there without being too hard to grasp. Which again was brilliantly done because that was the whole point.

The nod to Misterio’s helmet even when Beck was in the hologram suit watching everything play out. I guess it was his screen? But I loved the staple of even without his big over the top suit he still had the trademark helmet. Great costume design.

Peter’s soft gazes towards MJ. Nearly gave me a cavity they were so sweet! Ahhh sooo cute

Mr. Harrington’s marital problems nearly made me pee my pants....we all knew here in the fandom that shit like that would half to happen but my god lol

The opera scene was sooo freakin cute and that one step Peter took when he saw Brad move in was so freaking cute and hot!

MJ running after him and finding the critical peice of information to crack the case wide open. Loved it.

Betty and Ned’s Sicily sweet romance that you knew couldn’t possibly last. They really nailed the realistic high school romance. But I still ship it.

The bus scene was epic. And when Peter knocked Flash out...god it was amazing.

Mj obviously having love eyes towards Peter same as he does for her.

THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THAT NECKLACE FOR HER OH MY GOD! I CANT GET A GUY TO TEXT ME BACJ LET ALONE BUY A NECKLACE LIKE THAT WHICH PROBABALY COST A GOOD CHUNK OF CHANGE IT WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING AND CUTE AND TOUCHING.

All the iron man images got me feeling depressed as hell

“are you being serious because I was only like 67% sure?” That was amazing. Seeing MJ get so excited and trying to keep that hidden was awesome

The fact that she was so pleased with herself but also played it hella cool when Ned walked in and she said she figured it out. Literally that is me.

The shirtless Peter trope that we all wanted and freaking got! So freaking cute how she tried to peak at his abs. Like understandable girl.

The fucking illusions. Turning our sweet trusting Peter into a ball of mess. I was too.

God when he had to tell himself it wasn’t real but it still totally feels like it is.

Him trying to save MJ when she’s “thrown off the Eiffel Tower”

Every traumatizing thing Beck shows and tells him during the illusion. So shitty.

Seeing Tony’s grave, seeing iron man come out. That was awful and we all felt it in the movie because we’ve lost him too. We could FEEL that slap same as Peter.

Beck telling Peter that Tony’s death was his fault. I was abouta hurl myself at the movie screen.

Every illusion done in a way that just when you think it’s over, it’s never stopped. You forget what’s real and you feel trapped in it same as Peter does.

WHEN HE GETS HIT BY THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!! Nearly had a damn heart attack!!!! My mom had to look over and ask if I was ok because I literally stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds.

Showing gradually just how insane and evil Misterio was.

HAPPY BEING CONCERNED FOR PETER! LIKE SINCERELY AND HONESTLY CONCERNED! It’s good to know he’s got Happy to take care of him and May but that Peter still has a father type figure he can count on after Tony. Because you know Tony wouldn’t have put up with any of that getting hit by a train shit.

Also where the hell was Karen? We missed her. We got Edith but Karen wouldn’t have let Misterio take her over. WHERE WAS KAREN!!

Peter crying and needing to know Happy was real. Broke me heart

That hug between them was so sweet and you can see the concern on Happy’s face

Happy and Peter opening up to each other was so awesome considering their relationship in Homecoming.

ALL THE TONY and PETER PARRELLS! All of them!!!!!!!!! Not the people saying “Spider-Man’s the next Ironman” no the actual hints and glimpses at how similar him and tony actually are. The hologram gauntlet shot, a straight parallel to Iron Man when Tony is building his first real suit. Obviously “Back in Black” by Led Zeplen (formally known as AC/DC) playing. Another obvious hint toward Tony. The Stark sunglasses. Peter falling with the parachute and it literally looks like Ironman with his jet stream behind him from a distance. There’s so much more I’ll do a whole other post on.

Of course: “I love Led Zeplin!” Hahaha it’s such a kid thing to say! I’ve said it before I knew the big differences between AC/DC and Led Zeplin. It was so freaking perfect.

Peter making his suit and Happy’s face. Bittersweet and I live for the affection he holds for Peter now.

The Netherlands Holding cell...must I say more?

Brad’s downfall and MJs amazing comment about him taking pictures of people in the bathroom. Ep-ic. Even flash was like “bro that’s so weird”

Mr. witchcraft was hilarious and I loved his aside with Brad “I’m gonna be the cool teacher and tell you you can’t do that anymore.”

Flash is definately Gay or Bi and I’m so here for it. That wink he makes to Peter proves it.

All the near death truths in the vault of the tower.

MJ BADDASS COMES SWINGING WITH THE MACE AND IT WAS LEGINDARY OH MY GOD! YES GIRL! She’s my idol I love her so much.

Peter and his “Peter Tingle” And while we’re on the subject the banana he gets to the face while packing.

Important. His amazing skills at the end trusting his instincts (which is great because May says in regards to MJ, but it applies to this too) May tells Peter to trust his instincts and don’t think too much. And that’s what he does when he defeats Beck.

The bad ass “you can’t fool me anymore” after redirecting the gun away from his head at the end. Literally was so intense and well done.

Peter and MJ’s kisses! I loved how awkward it was at first and the slightly less awkward one. They really accurately captured the awkwardness of teenagers in love. Like that’s what it’s like guys.

Show me MJ’s parents you cowards, or show me something. Anything. I just want to know the nature of the situation.

Ned and Betty’s breakup. So funny and honestly not surprising at all. But still I ship them.

The hand hold. So cute.

May and Peter still being the cutest aunt and nephew duo there ever was.

I totally thought Peter was going to end with telling the world he was spiderman....BUT SOME OTHER ASSHOLES DID IT FOR HIM AND MADE HIM INTO A VILLAN AND IM PISSED. LOOKING AT YOU MR JAMESON YOU PEICE OF SHIT.

The movie ended and I have no idea what’s next.

Mid credit of MJ swinging through New York. Home girl doesn’t like and neither do I. Looks full on terrifying we don’t blame you hun.

After credit where the skrulls have been playing Maria and Nick fury for the whole movie. Honestly it made more sense because Nick fury seemed just a bit off. ALSO WHERE IS THE REAL NICK FURY at and I’m so psyched to see where this new movies are gonna go!

Alright that all for now folks!!!! Everything about the movie was great!!! I will have to watch again ad see if anything more pops up. Sorry for any spelling errors I’m on my phone.

#peter parker #marvel #spiderman #mcu #michelle jones #spideychelle #spider-man #spider-man: homecoming #avengers #tony stark #ned leeds #spiderman far from home #spider man: far from home #far from home spoilers #spoilers

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nikkigrand · 4 years

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There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m abandoning all of my works. Everything.

This post is going to be long, honest, triggering and deeply personal. So for those who don’t want to read through all of my bullshit, the gist is that I’m not emotionally or mentally capable of writing anymore.

TW ARE IN PLACE.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that my boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan last year. Since then, my life has been a breathless decline into self destruction. I didn’t know—I still don’t know—how to recover from happily waiting for his return to painfully knowing he never will. I swear that some days I feel like he’s still out there and some day he’ll come home and this will all be just a bad dream. I want to wake up to a reality where he steps off that plane and into my arms, where I don’t keep a crumpled old t shirt that smells more of me than him under my pillow, where the shock of hearing certain songs doesn’t make me throw up. A reality where I don’t have to sit in front of his ashes every time I visit his mother and look at his singed necklace around her neck.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Just wake the fuck up and feel alive again because for so long I had felt this choking pain and grief and misery and then nothing.

Everything became an escape, something to fill that void in me. I tried all the healthy things. I ate, I worked out, I ran. I talked to people about how I felt and reached out, but nothing helped. I volunteered, i planted trees and flowers, I channeled my grief into kindness. I tried to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful, and still I felt nothing. I was falling falling falling into this black pit and was reaching for anything to keep me from hitting the bottom.

So I started chasing highs. The standard shit at first. I drank so much alcohol that I’d wake up in bushes with my friends, limbs tangled in ways that left me sore and stinging for days because who the hell passes out in a Rose bush?

At first, drinking was fucking hell, because no matter how much I drank I’d always end up with my head cradled in the palms of my hands, fingers digging into my scalp as I screamed and wailed and asked why why why why when he was so close to coming home and why was life so goddamn mean??? I’d be in bar bathrooms, just curled in the corner and sobbing like a dramatic princess until my friends carried me out. This happened about a dozen times before it just stopped, because I figured I wasn’t drinking enough if I could remember everything.

So I drank more and more and more and then I realized that it wasn’t making me feel better, it wasn’t doing anything for me.

So I started smoking. Just weed, you know. Nothing too crazy at the time. But all that did was make me hyper-fixate on all of my failures and short comings. It made me hate myself so viscerally, so deeply that I wondered if this is who I truly am at my core. A mean bitch who drinks, smokes, parties. A maneater who fucks these poor kind hearted men to fill that hole her dead man left inside her and still finds herself cold and numb after because it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I’m sure you know where this is going. But I hated myself. I’m a beautiful girl, I’m not blind, and yet I found myself to be so fucking ugly. So fucking ugly and grey and all I wanted—all I needed—was something to breathe life into me the way life itself did before.

I just wanted to feel happy and normal. Only for a little while. That need was so encompassing it would grip my insides and I’d cry from how much I wanted it, how much I had convinced myself I needed it. It was all I fucking wanted.

So the bumps came. And then the lines. And then whole baggies to myself. And it felt amazing, it was wonderful. The world was alive, things were different. I had more energy, more life in me than I had in months. Then the other type of lines came and it made me feel like I was floating away. There was no pain, no misery, no death hanging over my shoulder to remind me that the strength of your love can’t make people stay.

But soon, that too wasn’t enough. Like every other thing, I felt there was something better, something that could make me feel more. So here is where I tell you about all the pills I popped, all the different colored presses and how each one pulled me out of that hole I was falling into and deposited me above the ground —much higher than I could have ever dreamed of—and filled my grey world with beautiful gorgeous colors.

Then I can tell you about all the tabs I let dissolve on my tongue, or fully swallowed out of impatience, all of the lines of ketamine I combined with ecstasy and acid in one night. The things I saw, the way I felt—it took me far from this dismal life and was addicting. I was chasing something every weekend until it became every other day, chasing some feeling I still can’t name, and I knew that it was ruining me.

My grief and my drugs were killing me, and I knew it. With every cotton mouth, every clenched jaw, every pounding headache, I fucking knew and didn’t care. I’d look at my friends faces and I knew, I knew they loved me and would be devastated if they knew what I was doing, and I still didn’t care. What was life if it felt this empty?

My grades dropped, i turned down a contracting job I wanted for years, I spent all my money on psychedelics and stimulants, and it had gotten to a point where I’d pop a pill while sitting at home just because I didn’t want to be sober and didn’t want to think about how fucked up my life was becoming.

Then one day I was at a concert, high in the clouds with a joint settled comfortably between my lips and frizzy hair piled messily atop my head, when I saw a girl get carried out the venue by medics. She was probably a few years younger than I am, and i remember looking at her face impassively as they pushed through the crowd with her body thrown over this bear of a man’s shoulder as if in slow motion. She was pale and foaming at the mouth, with her arms dangling limply down his back, and she looked dead—she was dead. I knew in that same way you know that the sky is blue when the sun is up, I just knew.

And in that moment—those few seconds it took me to acknowledge that she had most likely overdosed and died—this intense yearning shot through me, so strong that I felt it in the crooks of my fucking elbows, like I wanted to embrace whatever the fuck it was that I desired to live inside me, and this voice cried out, “I wish that were me.”

And you know what, I didn’t even know I had spoken until the guy next to me shoved me in the shoulder and said, “no you don’t.”

And that terrified me. I remember dropping the joint, fumbling it in my shaking fingers, burning myself on the lit end, before handing it off to that same random guy and running off to get some air.

I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I know I’m depressed, I know I’ve got issues, but I had never said something so suicidal out loud up until that point. I’ve never vocally wished for death and even as I sat there, as I looked out at the people outside the venue huddled together doing whip it’s and killing brain cells, I still wanted to be that poor dead girl on that man’s shoulders.

That was it for me. I remember calling an Uber home on the spot and taking everything I had and flushing it. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was easy. I had convinced myself that I needed these things to make me happy, and i don’t know if I can ever see life the same way after them. The feelings you get off these things are otherworldly, it’s so damn good, but they come at a price. You dont feel the same way you did before you took them, and you never will. You’ll never be who you were before that high, but you can almost convince yourself that it’s worth it. So it was pretty damn hard to take my neon presses, my rocks. my capsules, my bud and my tabs, and flush them down the toilet.

Almost immediately after I did it, I cried. Mostly because i had flushed hundreds of dollars down the fucking toilet, but also because I had become that girl in those cheesy college movies. You know the one, the one where the party girl gets addicted to drugs and goes on a bender and her whole life is just one big goddamn tragedy that won’t end. I hate those fucking movies and I, for the life of me, could not believe I was that girl.

I had been military, straight laced with a good head on my shoulders and a hard worker. I was smart, respected, the girl everyone wanted to bring home to mom. And now I was a hot mess crying in my bathroom because I had just flushed my addiction down the shitter.

Now I’m just home, trying to gather the pieces of myself in a way that doesn’t cause long term damage when I’ve yet to hit my 27th birthday.

I still go out with my friends. They know nothing about what I’ve done because I’ve always gone out and done things alone. This is the first time I’ve ever spilled my guts.

So where does FanFiction come into play in all this. Well, it’s simple, really, if you’ve gotten to this point and picked out all the mistakes in grammar. My brain is so fucked up that I can barely write a passable 3 page essay. I can’t remember words, much less how to string them together to form something beautiful in the way I used to. Trust me, it kills me and I’ve agonized over it for hours. I once tried to take this amazing idea I had and put it to paper but it would just not flow. Nothing made sense. Where before writing was effortless and focused, now my brain could barely concentrate on forming a sentence that didn’t sound like gibberish.

My attention span is so short that I literally have to isolate myself with no internet and my textbooks to get work done. It’s so bad that I have anxiety and panic attacks about the fact that I feel like a whole dumbass with one brain cell, where before I was proud of my intelligence and could hold decent conversation.

I’m still pretty, as if that fucking matters, but now I’ve got a stutter and can’t hold eye contact because my paranoia makes me think they’re judging me. And let me tell you, I’m so fucking pissed about that because I know it’s just my fried brain thinking these things, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

And I still feel empty and numb. How can I write about love and human emotions when I don’t feel anything? How can I write about looking at someone and loving them when the memory of love faded like my lover’s ashes in the wind? I just can’t.

I know love as it whispers against my skin with each interaction between me, friends, even other men, and yet I look at them and feel absolutely nothing.

So Yeah, I can’t write my stories if I can’t get my brain or my heart to work.

I’m really sorry to all my loyal readers. I really am. I wish I had been stronger. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years.

Don’t do drugs.

#trigger warnings #personal

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we-are-inevitable · 4 years

Text

love and it’s decisive pain

Prompt: "Could you make a modern spin where javid is established but they are hiding it at first. And David’s parents find them and tease them cause they knew already?" (i had to repost this and can’t remember who sent this ask, but thank you!)

Rating: M (for good measure)

Warnings: Mentions of violence and homophobia (to third party, unnamed characters), vague NSFW concepts, coming out anxiety. feel free to message me if i need to put any other trigger warnings, and i will gladly do so!

Word Count: 2,364

Read on AO3! Fic under the cut.

The decision to never come out was something that David had made peace with long ago.

He had been fourteen when he made the vow. Fourteen and vulnerable. Naive. At first, he had wanted to come out. He had known something was different about him, since the first time he heard Sarah talk about a boy she liked, and realized that what she was describing- what she felt for a guy in her class- was the same way that he felt about guys, too. At the time, he had been twelve, just now starting to realize that liking guys was even an option- and apparently, it was the only option that he saw fit for himself.

At age twelve, David realized he liked men.

At age thirteen, David realized he liked only men.

At fourteen, David realized he was in love with his best friend who had just moved to the school.

David had thought about the possibility of bringing it up to his parents, but he had never found the right time, never found the right way to say it. He had even considered trying to tell Sarah first, or maybe even Les, but he figured that Les was too young and Sarah just wouldn’t understand that her baby brother was anything other than straight. Nonetheless, David had made… a plan, per se, of just how he was going to do it. He had written it out and everything- he was going to wait until he left for school one day, maybe kiss his Ma on the forehead and give his Dad a goodbye hug. Then, he was going to walk to the door, yell, “Hey, I’m gay!”, and take off like a shot down the flight of stairs in their apartment building.

It was a plan. He never claimed it was good.

But that was before he saw just what could happen if he did. He saw a news report, of a couple being attacked on the subway for daring to be brave enough to hold hands in public. He remembered seeing the pictures on the TV, seeing the bruises and the bloody noses, and that struck enough fear into his heart that he had resigned himself to being alone. He would lurk in the shadows. Give his unconditional love and support to others. He would be the best damn ally he could be, but after seeing the pain, the heartbreak, the fear in the faces of the men on the TV that night, he knew his choice was the right one. He wouldn’t be able to survive if something like that happened to him.

He had successfully made it three years without anyone knowing the biggest secret of his life. Not even his closest friends knew, even though most of them were in the community themselves. It wasn’t as though he didn’t trust them- no, no, he trusted each of them with his life. Crutchie, Race, Albert, and Elmer, along with many others, had already told him that they would take care of him if anything ever happened. It had been joking, but David didn’t doubt their loyalty for a minute.

But then there was Jack.

Jack, the guy that David had been crushing on for three years.

Jack, the guy who had the most intense stare, most beautiful smile, most effective puppy dog eyes, most lovely laugh and talent and, God, David could listen to him talk, listen to his accent, for hours on end.

It was Jack that had caused his crisis, who had been the guy behind the story, the guy he wanted to come out for. He remembered the night that Jack told him he was bi, a conversation that had happened at four in the morning one summer night when they were both sixteen. Oh, how Davey longed to tell Jack then. How he longed to lean over, gently cup his cheek and kiss the worries and insecurities out of him.

Instead, he had just reassured Jack that he didn’t care, that he would always be safe with him, and that he was always there if Jack needed to talk.

They had been in a similar situation about a year later. Another late night, safe on Jack’s fire escape, where they had been for hours watching the sunset and idly talking about the people that passed on the streets below. Jack had kitted it out with everything- some christmas lights wrapped around the railings, two thick blankets laid out on the floor and an old-fashioned radio playing some music behind them. In a way, that fire escape felt more like home than any other place on earth.

It was everything that David had ever dreamed of.

They had gotten pretty silent, but it was a comfortable drop in conversation as they both watched the bustling streets of New York. It was Jack who broke it eventually, taking in a deep breath as he looked down. “‘Ey, Dave?” “Yeah, Jackie?” David asked softly, pushing himself up from his back. He stopped about halfway, kicking his long legs out in front of him, braced on his palms.

“You… You know how I told ya, that I’m into dudes?” Jack approached the subject carefully. Davey gulped. His mind immediately went somewhere bad- that Jack had a boyfriend, that Jack had found out that he really only liked women, that Jack had been... hurt. “Well, I-... There’s a guy,” Jack started, and Davey could see him tapping a familiar rhythm onto his knee. Jack did that when he was anxious. “And, well- I like ‘im. A lot. But… But I dunno if he’s into guys, and even if he is, I don’t think I’m the kind’a fella he would like--”

“Are you kidding?”

“Huh?”

“Jack,” David said with a sad grin, furrowing a brow. “Any guy would have to be crazy not to like you back. I mean, have you seen yourself? You’re hot,” David said with a soft laugh, gently nudging Jack’s shoulder with a fist. “Plus, you’re talented. You’re crazy good at art, you can sing and play guitar, you’re wicked smart. Unless a guy just wasn’t into smartasses, I don’t get why anyone wouldn’t be into you,” David joked softly, but every word was the truth. He didn’t understand why Jack was so insecure, why he was so self deprecating, but he knew it had been something he had struggled with for a long time.

“...For sure?” Jack asked, his voice smaller than David had ever heard it. “Jackie, I wouldn’t lie to ya,” He said with a grin. “Everything I said is true, y’know. You’re an amazing man, any guy would be lucky to--”

David was cut off with hands fisting his shirt and dragging him into a kiss.

Time stopped for a moment.

David could feel his eye’s widening, could feel his heart pounding, mind racing a mile a minute. He must have froze, because suddenly, all too suddenly, Jack was pulling away with a flushed face and a look of terror in his eyes. “Fuck, Dave, I’m so sorry, I didn’t--” He cut himself off with a deep breath, immediately turning away from David to face the New York skyline yet again.

David took in a shuddering breath a few moments later. “...Jack, you idiot,” He muttered, and Jack winced, turning to apologize yet again, until Davey pulled him in for another kiss. This time, he was in control. The kiss was soft, hesitant at first, until the both of them got confident enough to take it to the next level.

David had his arms wrapped around Jack’s waist, the angle a bit awkward, until Jack had fixed it by moving to sit in David’s lap. That was when it hit David that this was real. He was kissing Jack Kelly, and Jack Kelly was kissing back.

After that night, they kept things lowkey. David still wasn’t ready to come out to the guys, which Jack understood wholeheartedly. Their relationship may have been a secret, but it didn’t mean tht they didn’t like it. No, sneaking around was fun. Making out in the school bathroom, going on dates disguised as hangouts, even being there for each other on their eighteenth birthdays was something so much more magical than anyone knew.

They lived in that bubble of safety until they finally told the guys the night after their high school graduation. They had been together for close to a year that night, and it just felt right. All of them were together, hanging out in the park and discussing the crazy graduation parties that had happened the night before. Something must have lit a fire in David, because Jack made eye contact with him as Race was telling a story, and David kissed him in front of everyone else. They had to fess up- after Race finished his agonizingly long story, of course- but David had never felt happier.

That next week, David was riding the high of finally making it. He had a boyfriend, he was officially moving on to college in the fall, and he was finally, finally safe and accepted.

Until that next Friday came along.

David had thought that they had the apartment to themselves. Jack had even climbed through the window for good measure, but David knew that his parents were going on a weekend getaway in Boston, and Les would be at a friend’s house until Sunday, so he didn’t think to lock the door.

It started out as cuddling and watching some old western movie that Jack had fallen in love with, before cuddling turned to kissing, and kissing turned to David pressing Jack down against the bed as he nipped and sucked dark marks onto the tan skin of Jack’s neck. Jack was a blushing mess, murmuring soft pleas as his hands carded through Davey’s dark hair. “Davey, baby, come on, stop teasin’,” Jack muttered pitifully, eyes shutting, before they suddenly flew wide open at the sound of David’s bedroom door opening. “David, we just came back because your father forgot his wallet, and-- Oh, my good Lord!”

The door was shut just as fast as it had opened, and David was so thankful that they were still clothed, until he realized what had just happened.

He could feel himself visibly paling as he launched away from Jack, hurrying to stand up. “Oh, fuck, oh, fuck--”

“Babe, babe, calm down, it’s--”

Jack didn’t have time to say another word before David was already out the door and down the hall.

“Ma!” David said quickly, chest heaving as he came to a standstill in the living room. He was red faced in shame, and could already feel the tears welling in his eyes. “Ma, it- it’s not what it looks like!” He rushed out, gulping when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned and saw Jack, looking just as scared as he did, as he desperately buttoned his flannel to try to cover the marks. “We-- I didn’t-- I thought- Ma, I’m not--” “David.”

David went silent, staring at the floor with wide eyes, refusing to meet his mother's gaze. He vaguely registered his father coming into the room, who stopped mid sentence when he saw Jack and his son.

David could feel his world crumbling, but then he felt Jack’s hand gently grab his, ever so slightly intertwining their fingers. He glanced over at Jack with wide eyes, who looked at him and gave a gentle nod, taking a deep breath.

Slowly, David looked back up, gulping. “...Mama, Dad, Jack and I--” “We know, dear.”

“You-- You know?”

David finally took a good look at them. His father was standing behind his mother, a strong hand on her shoulder, but they didn’t look… angry. Or upset. Instead, they were smiling at him. “David, hunny, we’ve known for years. We… found a note that you had written- something or another, of how you wanted to tell us. At- At first, we were… shocked. We didn’t really know what to do, so we decided to wait it out until you told us yourself, we just didn’t expect it to take four years,” Esther added with a gentle laugh.

“It didn’t shock us to find out you were with Jack, either,” Mayer noted, glancing between the two boys. “Jack, you spend an awful lot of time at our house, more than any of the other boys. As long as you don’t intend on hurting our son, you’re part of this family, too.”

That was David’s breaking point.

He couldn’t hold in the sob that rose up from his chest, and though the Jacobs family had never been the most physically affectionate, David found himself running across the room. He pulled his mother into a tight hug, crying softly into her shoulder, and he took in a deep, shuddering breath as she rubbed his back. He pulled away and wiped his eyes, only to be pulled into another hug by Mayer, which was a shocking moment in itself.

One of them must have gestured to Jack to come closer, too, because when David looked over, Esther had him wrapped into a tight hug. David stepped away, and watched with a fond smile as Jack shook his father's hand.

Things seemed to calm down after that, though David still had watery eyes, but he couldn’t help the immense joy that flooded his chest. He gulped and wrapped an arm around Jack’s waist, who in turn began rubbing his back.

“Like I said,” Mayer spoke firmly, “take good care of our boy. Now, we have a reservation at the hotel to meet by midnight, so we should get going,” He said, looking down at Esther, who nodded.

They said their last goodbyes, but just as the door closed, it opened again. Esther poked her head in and grinned. “One more thing- use protection!” She said quickly, before the door shut with a final click.

David would have been mortified, if not for the bright laughter that bubbled out from the boy beside him.

Yeah, this was a happiness he could get used to, he thought as he pulled Jack in for another kiss.

#javid #javey #davey jacobs #david jacobs #esther jacobs #mayer jacobs #sarah jacobs #les jacobs #newsies #newsies musical #jac writes #ask a jac !

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wanderingpages · 3 years

Text

Anon M (Dark AU) Part 6

(My [wabderingpages] responses are in this color!)

Jude being reletable kinda

OH MY GOD IT’S A KITTY (the real star of the show arrives)

A KITTY

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I love cats lol

“I like pussy” okay you know what, dark cardan, fuck me now, but keep it quiet

…….maybe

I don’t wanna cheat on CEO (hahahahaha)

OOH AFTER THIS DO YOU WANT ME TO DO A CEO REREAD AND WRITE DOWN THOSE THOUGHTS (DUDE absolutely whatever you want! Reading these make me all happy 🥰🥰)

Valerian really be a stoner huh

Everyones a stoner lol (stoner but make it intense lol)

Cardan trying to comfort jude

Jude thinking he might murder her (THE ROLES FROM CANON ARE SWITCHED) (yes lmao haha, Jude is the mostly clues scared but aroused one here)

Judes very disoriented ‘

Makes sense tho

“you are what you eat” OKAY DARK CARDAN MARRY ME OK (HAHA ON GOD 💯)

…..no don’t

Don’t

CEO I SWEAR I LOVE U

And I wouldn’t mind sleeping with both you and your fiancée (I am a bisexual mess) (aren’t we all)

But like…. OKAY IM STAYING LOYAL TO CEO

Jude really be here having panic attacks huh? (Honestly about time she starts having normal responses)

This is really cool, coming from someone who suffers from anxiety

Elvira is another TFOTA universe character right (haha no she’s the mistress of darkness (character in an old real life movie lol))

Yes jude please drink water

…why do I feel betrayed by the phone records thing he is literally her stalker (weirdly got a lot of similar reactions when this chapter was posted hahaha (“you went through my phone records?” to the tone of “but you made me this friendship bracelet” a la 21 jump street))

Aw jude is mad

I like mad jude

Jude a bit too mad now (big mad)

THEYRE BOTH MAD (bigger mad)

OOH

IS THIS GONNA BE HATE SEX

…..no’ (no)

Nvm

I want the hatesex peach (can I interest you in the rockstar au prologue? Or the just friends one shot au? Or the enemies with benefits au request?)

Aw she apologizeddddddddddddddddddddddd

Theyre having a deep convo

Id rather have the hate sex tbh

Dark cardan is perpetually horny isnt he (almost always 😔)

A leash

A LEASH (a leash)

Jude keeps on thinking about him killing her

Bitch u were horny when he kidnapped you

Oh wait

Shes a lot more shooketh here (haha it’s starting to hit her now he’s the bad guy)

Im a bitch ill move on

Aw steamy shit

Still no hate sex WHY PEACH (oh you know why)

Dain is versatile lol (yessir)

Ghost is with…. Which sister now (taryn)

TARYN WOULD TOTALLY BE IN ON A PLAN TO KILL JUDE AHHHHH

I hate her is this obvious (yes lol)

His grin is wry, “Baby, you are hostage.” His hands slide down my arms to encircle my wrists, fingers caressing marks from where he’d bound me, twice. “I’m not the good guy here, never fucking mistake that,” he gives me a dark look and my stomach coils. Fuck butterflies, this guy gives me moths and they are constantly eating away at my insides. “I shouldn’t have gone in for you because now they know you’re connected to me. They’re using you against me.”

Ooh

He doesn’t say anything for a while, then he sighs. His voice is low and strained and he confesses, “when Sophie died, I got a picture, not a video. But it was the same thing. Knife at her throat while she had been asleep. I was late. I went home and she wasn’t just dead, Jude. She was slaughtered.” He spares me the details he’s clearly reliving. Those moths in my stomach are threatening to spill out because I feel sick and my heart feels heavy. I feel my face pale and my eyes widen. He hadn’t wanted to tell me. I get it. So I’m quiet and don’t ask for more. “Whoever wants you, either wants me hurt by association or there’s far more going on than either of us knows.”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Harsh reminder that jude is a student lol

Wait how old is she (👀)

Don’t tell me

CARDAN IS HIGHHHHHHHH (not yet lol getting there though)

Hes always high

And horny

This man

I like him (😳😩🙈)

BUT I LOVE CEO CARDAN (I couldn’t tell tbh hahaha)

Heh

END OF THOUGHTS

Okay im loving this (thank youuuuu)

This was a really good chapter end

#submission post #dark au #part 6 #spoilerssss if anyone even cares tbh lol #the struggle to reread my own work and not cringe lol #but I do stand by the fact that I love writing this Cardan as fucked as he is #he coulda been worse tho #submission

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seagullsausage · 4 years

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ive been insane thinking excessively about my egoverse lately so heres the gist of it cause i can’t form a full coherent post

jackie is kinda traumatized from jack getting rid of marvin and is overprotective of chase and henrik to an overbearing degree cause hes so afraid of jack hurting them

when chase was created he was kind of a handful and jackie was so so paranoid that jack was going to hurt him because he was irritated with how needy chase was, and it got to the point where jackie was so so sure that jack was going to kill chase that he couldn’t sleep at night, and so he moved out and made chase move in with him to keep him safe

jackie is under an intense amount of stress because hes trying to take care of chase, henrik, marvin, and jameson all at the same time, on top of being obsessed with finding anti and keeping his family safe from him aND still grieving for jack and also trying to stay on top of his quickly deteriorating mental health. hes having anxiety attacks and panic attacks every day desperately trying to juggle all this shit and feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders

henrik and marvin are really good friends and they help each other with a lot of shit. marvins a bit more mature than chase and also relates hardcore to what henrik had to go thru and so they’re kind of a stand-in for jackie. henrik is also the only person who checks up on marvin and tries helping them deal with everything that anti did to them

jameson had more influence over anti than what chase liked to believe. jameson was the one who convinced anti not to kill henrik, and to not completely destroy him. when marvin was living with them, jameson literally begged anti almost every day to stop hurting them, because they were becoming friends and marvin was the first human hes ever interacted with. he also feels guilt over not being able to ‘save’ henrik so hes desperate to save marvin

how marvin’s dealing with the aftermath of getting away from anti; they like to say that they’re fine but like if the front door doesn’t open right away or if the windows stuck they spiral down into a complete breakdown, they flinch away if jameson makes any sudden movements, they’re very reactionary, especially with chase, they’re sleeping excessively and spends almost all their time sitting outside, etc.

anti didn’t originally care about making the egos his ‘puppets;’ it was only after he formed individual relationships with the guys that he wanted them all to himself; he grew an intense bond with jameson, he grew to like henrik as a tool/weapon, he enjoyed having chase as his patient, he loved marvin, he liked messing around with jackie, etc. so at the end of it all, he just wants everyone who he loves in one place, he wants to have control over all of them

chase is actually gay but hes extremely closeted and has a lot of internalized homophobia and trauma about it. his marriage fell apart partially because of him and he always thought there was something wrong with him, that he was seriously broken and that he was incapable of loving. he’s very aggressive towards marvin and jameson, and especially gets angry at jameson and henriks developing relationship. why should they get to be happy? why does marvin get to be comfortable with themself? hes realizing things and eventually he snaps and goes into screaming and sobbing fits about it, henriks trying to hold him but chase is crying about how theres something wrong with him and he’s not allowed to be gay and all that. henrik and marvin both help him worth through it and come to terms with it

chase is big into fighting and boxing, he used to be in these fighting rings where people bet money and stuff until jackie made him stop, hes got a punching bag in his room and he gets in bar fights a lot. he could beat the shit out of jameson if he could but henrik and marvin always stop him. he’d fight marvin too but they have magic so its always a losing battle

marvin had a mentor who found them in the woods and took care of them, trained them and helped them be the magician they are today. im calling him ben burnake for now based off the lemon demon song. he looks like arin hanson

jameson also gets a therapist and at first hes scared cause ya know anti was a psychiatrist and all, but this guy is really nice and caring and hes mostly deaf so they sign to each other the whole time. jamesons scared of telling him about his past cause, ya know, if he starts talking about demons and posession and stuff hes scared hes gonna be put in a hospital, but his therapist totally believes him (or at least thinks jameson is using the whole demon thing as a metaphor for something) and its real nice

when marvin gets free, they tell henrik everything there is to know about jameson. hes been tortured by not knowing who he is and never saving him, and just learning his name and learning what hes like is so so cathartic and wonderful for henrik

#theres probably more but take this #violence tw #abuse tw #hc #ego posting

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haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles · 5 years

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anonymous asked: i love your soulmate aus!! they're the best i've ever read! you put in every detail in ur writings & i love it so much! i feel that i can improve my english when im reading ur writings? does this make sense? can i have a soulmate au for tsukishima kei? it can be anything! i'm willing to wait'

well let me just say this ask absolutely warmed my freaking heart. I am so so happy that you feeling like you can improve your english with my writings 😁 thank you for waiting!!

Here is a soulmate!au where you share pain with your soulmate, hope you enjoy 💖

You vaguely remembered the feelings against your hands and forearms when you were younger, but it was much softer back then and far less noticeable. You didn’t think much of them until they ramped up in intensity during high school and you became fixated on figuring out just exactly what your soulmate was up to that was inflicting such strange injuries. You could never quite figure it out until you happened to watch one of your high school’s volleyball matches and connected the way you were feeling with what your eyes could see. It started to make sense; every receive, spike, and block—you felt.

Though it was almost impossible to match up the feelings with what any of the players were doing. It took a while before you were completely convinced that none of the players on your high school’s team were your soulmate. And while attending games painfully reminded you constantly that your soulmate was somewhere else, you wanted to learn about the game for their sake. I mean—you had been smart enough to at least figure out some aspect about them, might as well use that information to learn about something they seemingly enjoyed. Other than the volleyball related injuries, they didn’t inflict much else on you.

You’d also been able to discern that whoever they were was a middle blocker. It became apparent to you when you noticed the players in that position getting their fingers jammed, as you often dealt with, as a result of some nasty spikes. You watched the players at your school tape up their fingers and soon started doing the same to alleviate the pain; garnering weird looks when you passed any of the volleyball club members in the hallway.

It was really just a nuisance at this point, something you had learned to live with—honestly, you’d be worried if the feelings suddenly disappeared. On several occasions, there were exceptionally painful jams that had you biting back a yelp of pain and cursing whoever the universe had tethered to you for playing this near finger-breaking game.

The injuries were almost exclusively reserved for after school, seldom beforehand, and normally the worst times were during tournaments. If the frequency of injuries suddenly skyrocketed, you figured it was a pretty safe bet that whoever was at a tournament. If you could, you usually tried to keep your own injuries to a minimum so they could play to their best ability. It was the least you could do to give them a break from the endless minor wounds you received from your own clumsiness.

Tsukki, on the other hand, while what he inflicted on you was concentrated around volleyball; had to deal with your small scrapes and burns constantly. “I swear, they’re the clumsiest person on the planet,” he muttered to Yamaguchi upon wincing at yet another scrape on his knee from your doing. His kneepads always rubbed the wounds uncomfortably and he’d forgotten to bring his usual supply of band-aids he carried with him for this particular reason.

“They’re probably not a big fan of your volleyball playing either,” Yamaguchi nodded to his currently taped fingers.

He scoffed. “Well at least I don’t have two left feet.”

Something he had noticed, however, was since high school; the number of scrapes on his palms substantially declined. As if whoever you were had picked up on the fact he needed his hands and were trying to be helpful in that regard. He also noticed he rarely got a new injury during games. Like you purposefully stayed as still as possible for his sake, as if to not inflict anything fresh while he was in the process of hurting you. He couldn’t be sure; but that seemed too coincidental to be an accident. He had the feeling you were observant of his own injuries, ones that occurred at similar times after school or during tournaments and were mindful of them.

He hated to admit that he appreciated that.

Since you started University, you hadn’t been able to attend enough matches yet to determine if any of the volleyball players were possibly your soulmate. You did have the brief thought to get more involved with the team to make it easier, but strangely the terrifying idea that your soulmate was on the team, scared you away. It had almost taken you a year and a half in high school to determine they weren’t on that team, but now that you had the possibilities narrowed down to middle blockers, you figured it wouldn’t take you as long to get a definite answer or not.

Yet, strangely, for all your thinking and observing over the years—you never thought to look at the team that your University was playing. Because why would you?

You were no stranger to the chanting and cheering of the crowd accompanied by the intermittent sound of a volleyball being hit and spiked. The constant sensation of your palms stinging and arms feeling like they were going to be torn off pushed to the back of your thoughts as you focused on the players you had already determined as the middle blockers in the last game you went to when you abruptly cried out in pain.

Blinding, excruciating agony shot through your middle and ring finger. You clutched your hand hissing, “Fuck!”

Sitting beside you, your roommate, who didn’t know the reason why you were obsessed with volleyball, glanced over in confusion. “What’s wrong?” You tried shooing them away, but tears were pricking at your eyes as your fingers throbbed. “What happened?” They prompted again. You couldn’t collect your thoughts; your mind was reeling—the ball had been on your school’s side of the court. It had been your school attacking, which meant the only possible culprit for your currently aching fingers was someone on the opposing team.

“Hey look,” your roommate said. “Some kid on the other team is hurt.”

Your head whipped upwards, almost smacking your friend in the chin with it. Down on the court, the towering blonde of a middle blocker with glasses on the opposing team was standing on the sideline cradling his hand. The same one you were. You thought you might topple out of your chair in shock; you hadn’t by any means had any intention of actually finding your soulmate today.

But—fuck, as much as your head was swimming with this new information; the main thing on your mind was the unbearable pain coursing through your hand. How could he stand to inflict this kind of hurt willingly on himself? And for that matter, knowingly inflict it on his soulmate too!

“Your hand!” Your friend gasped, dragging you back to the reality that your soulmate was right in front of you. They tenderly took your hand into yours to inspect it. “What did you—” their gaze followed yours that was currently fixated on the blonde middle blocker and they put the pieces together. “Holy shit.” You yelped when they gripped your hand a little too hard in excitement. “This is why you wanted to come to all the volleyball games?”

“I—ugh,” you huffed. “Yeah. I figured out a while ago that they played. But jesus,” you sucked in a breath to try and deal with the pain. “This is one of the worst jams they’ve ever gotten.”

Your eyes trailed him exiting the gym, presumably to first aid who would take a closer look at his fingers and probably tape them up properly. There was a part of you that hoped he’d be benched for the rest of the match so you, and he, wouldn’t get hurt any further. You vaguely wondered if you should follow suit since you now had the same injury, but balked at the idea of meeting him that way.

“So…you’re going to introduce yourself, right? I mean, you know exactly who he is now. And when are you going to get another chance?”

Your heart seized up with anxiety. “Um, how would I even do that?” You turned to your friend. “’Hi how are your fingers? Oh yeah, mine too, thanks by the way!’”

They just narrowed their eyes at you and stuck out their tongue. “Oh, come on. You can’t just let him slip through your fingers!”

You held up your handed with the jammed fingers bent in an unnatural direction. “I don’t think I could catch him if I tried,” you joked, a smirk gracing your lips.

“That was terrible.”

Now it was your turn to stick your tongue out.

The middle blocker didn’t come back until the end of the final set and wasn’t put back in; much to you, and your fingers, relief. When the match ended, your friend hauled you up from your seat and dragged you towards the exit by your uninjured hand. Stumbling behind them, you tried to protest, “I have no idea what to even say! I’ll figure out another way, please let go!”

“Nope. No running away.”

“Oh my god, you soulmate freak, for the love of—” your foot slipped on the stairs and before you knew it, the world was tumbling around you and without thinking you threw your hands out in front of you to catch yourself. You’d tried to train that tendency out of you, to limit the number of scrapes you inflicted on his palms, but your instincts took over without letting your brain catch up. Pain almost worse than the initial injury shot up your arm and this time you couldn’t hold back the yell that lifted from your throat. One that was met by a similar one from down the hall.

Tsukki didn’t expect to hear a match to his cry of pain when his fingers felt like they were getting re-jammed. He jerked up in surprise to survey the crowd in the hallway, his attention grabbed by someone’s head popping up near the staircase and looking around in confusion.

Your eyes meet and immediately he knows that you also know, if your expression is anything to go by. He doesn’t move, letting the flow of the crowd break around him, wondering if you’re going to approach him.

You don’t. You’re frozen in fear. He clearly knows who—or rather, what the two of you are and is allowing you to make the first move. Even though you’ve thought about what you would say for years now, your throat feels tight and you know any attempt at words would be futile. It doesn’t get any better when he starts to move towards you.

He towers above you, even if this wasn’t the situation, he would be intimidating. The first words out of his mouth are, “So you’re the klutz I’m always patching up my knees for.”

You’re taken aback by his provoking tone at first, but then retort, “Oh, please, Mr. I jam my fingers every other fucking day.” Then you shake your hand in his direction. “Thanks for this!”

He chuckles, and you’re unable to tell if its in a mocking way or a harmlessly amused one. “Shouldn’t you probably go to first aid? They patched me up quite nicely.” He holds up his bandaged hand.

While Tsukishima Kei was exuding the pinnacle of aloofness to you, he couldn’t help the nerves roiling beneath the surface. While he’d become quite aware of his confrontational behavior in high school and mainly limited it to Kageyama and Hinata; when he was feeling out of his element it was easy to resort to it. Though he was fascinated that you didn’t seem to be fazed.

“A genius suggestion,” you snorted, waving your injured hand haphazardly. “Except for the fact I don’t know where it is.”

“Do I need to spell it out for you?”

You blinked.

Tsukki withheld his groan. You weren’t making this easy. “Would you like me to take you?”

You just stared.

“Oh, um, sure—thank you…?” You prompted.

He inclined his head towards the direction of first aid. “It’s Tsukishima Kei.” He then looked at you expectantly for your name.

You gave it to him.

#tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #tsukki x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #tsukishima kei scenario #tsukki scenario #haikyuu #soulmate!au #tsukki soulmate!au

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jaykensteinn · 4 years

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to go back in time to touch your face, to feel your kiss just once more, i would if i could. i know i cant, i know i shouldnt, and i shouldnt even think about it for what we had was not love, it was poison and you were the one who made it. you planted the seed, helped it grow until it bloomed into something grand and twisted then, fed it to me and everything changed...i changed. i am happy to say i am no longer in love with you and i can feel that in every part of my body. i still have so much love for you and it saddens me sometimes because you dont deserve it after everything you done, everything you ruined, and ruining me. it took me longer than normal to forgive you, well because youre you and everything you did was too much for me to handle, but now i do forgive you even though i still have resentment towards you, and i have every right to, but i will never forget what you did. not only did you plant the seed of poison but also, anger, fear, intensities of my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, you planted seeds that latched on and grew the issues i already had and made them worse but also you planted something new...you planted a whole new seed all together in a league of its own, and that my dear, is called trauma. yes i may have had some before but now its a different trauma, something you caused by the way, and even though everything that happened isnt on my mind 24/7 anymore its still there and it bothers me and gets to me. you made everything so much worse. i have new fears, new boundaries, more walls, less people i let in, fear of new people, limitations on love i give and when i give it and i cant control that, i cant just pretend everythings alright in front of my parents anymore and they dont really care because they just perceive me as lazy and a piece of crap and a freeloader and i cant even pretend to have energy for things anymore. pain really does change people and some people dont like the changed me and i dont care to be frank, but theres also pros to this change caused by pain, and they are that i dont just sit by and entertain people just bc they want me to, i say no more, i put myself first more, im actually going through and at least trying to process everything i missed out on and better myself and love myself, the relationship we had wasnt healthy in the slightest and it taught me a few things i dont think i will forget and even if my mind forgets my body will never forget. i hate that it took you and everything you did to change me and move me into the direction of the kind of person ive wanted to be for as long as i can remember. i never knew myself and whatever i had left i lost because of you and now im finding myself again and giving myself the love i deserve and sadly i probably cant physically love them same after you but i know i wont give up, ive tried so many times for as long as i can remember, but giving up...it isnt something i can do easily. im changed and still changing. i know how you are and you better not try anything when you see me living perfectly fine without you. as much as id like to do something to even just emotionally hurt you just a bit im not going to because i know one day youll get what you deserve.

#late night thoughts #writing #my writing #feelings #healing #broken #fear #love #hate #self love #self care #writing is my therapy #karma #i wish i never met you

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kweebtrash · 5 years

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Can I Love Like This? (M)

Messy Chapter 6

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: description/discussions of sexual assaults, beginnings of codependency, light drinking/drug use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety attack/night terrors, a little bit of a “i can fix/help you attitude”, a little jealousssyyyyyyyyyy

Features: slight daddy kink (daddy/princess), a lot of making out and ass grabbing (because johnny’s a slut), a little bit of grinding, blow jobs, unprotected sex/pulling out, slow fucking/riding, scratching, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, oh and cock warming

Word Count: around 13.5k

A/N: There’s no group chat at the end so I’m sorry! I know a lot of people like them because they’re funny but for some of the serious chapters there won’t be. Towards the end, the songs referenced are Chase Atlantics “Dancer in the Dark” and “Into It”.

Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I stood quiet as I was unsure as to why she was crying. It happened so suddenly that I stopped talking, pausing to see if she would gather herself. I had told her what happened after the rave and everything that transpired the past couple of weeks. It was definitely hard to say the whole truth. Jae had only gotten the cliffnotes version; i wasn't exactly comfortable telling him everything even though he was my best friend. For some reason though, with Eri, I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't think less of me. I just didn't expect her to cry.

“I'm so sorry, Johnny.” She managed to squeak through her hiccuped breaths.

I scooted closer to her. “For what?”

“For not being there for you…”

“How could you have been? I pushed you away. I needed some time to myself. Shit got heavy really fast and I stayed roped in this mess. I just felt stupid. I knew i shouldn't have taken the pill but I did. And if i hadn't maybe i would've avoided all this.”

“Dont ever blame yourself, ok? We make mistakes but that doesn't warrant anyone getting ra-”

I grabbed her shoulder, more intensely than i should have but i couldn't bear to hear what she was about to say just yet. “Please don't say that word. Just don't.”

She pursed her lips together and pulled her knees to her chest. I sighed and raised my hand to wipe away the smudge-y black tears staining her cheek. She turned towards my touches, slowly falling into my chest and holding onto me tight. It felt good to be held like this. I didn't realize i was even craving it until now. A warm touch that wasn't full of violence or ill will finally made me feel like I could breathe again. Like my safety net has been casted and I could fall into it without worry. “I don't want this to happen to you again. I want to be there for you.”

“It wouldn't be the first time.” I shrugged simply.

Eri looked at me in surprise and as if another round of tears were about to break through at any moment. “What do you mean? T-this has happened before?”

“Something similar, i guess.” I set my head in the palm of my hand as she pulled away to give me room to breath. “When i was younger i hooked up with an older chick which was a big mistake. I wasn't really experienced at the time so I let her take control. So she asked me to go down on her-this was my first time doing it- and then she kinda...she like held me there. I couldn't really breathe so i started to panic and tried to push her away. She didn't let go. When she finally did I didn't want to do anything after but I guess she convinced me or guilted me into having sex after.”

“Oh my god...that's why you dont-”

I nodded.

Her semi silent tears exploded again and i wanted to shake her. There wasn't any need to cry over me or even take pity upon me. “Eri, stop it. Stop crying.”

“Don't tell me to stop crying! All this shit happened to you and it makes me pissed! Im angry you felt like you couldn't tell anyone. I'm upset at myself for not being there for you. I feel guilty for all those times i asked you to go down on me. And worst of all i want to hurt the bitches that did this to you. Like really hurt them.”

“Don't. I just wanted you to know. I was the one that felt guilty about leaving you on read. I got swallowed up by everything and it was like I wasn't allowed to even be with my friends. I'm thankful that you're worried about me and i'm definitely glad you're here with me now but I don't want to focus on the bad stuff anymore...can we just, maybe, stop talking about it?”

Eri wiped at the tears and nodded. “Yeah, yeah! Shit, of course. I’m sorry. You don’t have to think of it anymore because of me.” She enveloped me in another death grip hug, plastering me to her chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, setting my head on her shoulder and closing my eyes for just a moment. I could smell her- the mintiness of her shampoo, the florals of her perfume, and the underlying muskiness of our sex. Paired with the heat of her body it was the most comforting thing i had felt all month. I sighed softly, giving her shoulder a quick kiss before pulling away. I kept my hands on her waist and looked up at her. “Do you...will you stay here tonight?”

“Duh.” She smiled. “I'd be totally okay with that.” I reciprocated her smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She stayed close, adding a few more pecks until i leaned into her harder. Her hands fell to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as mine slipped to her hips. Just as I beckoned for her to part her lips she pulled away, leaving me confused. “Um...is this ok?” She whispered, nibbling on her lip nervously.

“If it was okay in the bathroom, why wouldn’t it be okay now?” I scoffed.

“Because...of everything we just talked about. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Remember how you did the same for me at the beach? I want to be sure you don’t feel-”

“I don’t feel like shit when I’m with you Eri, trust me. I guess I never told you but...don’t take this the wrong way ok? But like-” I exhaled deeply and dropped my head back onto the seat of the couch. “But when we fuck I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I don’t feel like I have to be in my head, or wrapped up in shit that’s happened to me, or even like I’m rushing through it just to get off. It feels good.” I could see the hint of redness color her cheeks and it made my palms sweat. I pulled them away from her hips and wiped them furiously on my jeans, failing at trying to be as casual as I could be. I didn’t want it to seem like it was something that would ruin our fuck buddy relationship. I didn’t want that at all.

“I'm glad i can make you feel good. That's all i want, Johnny.” She said softly.

“C'mere.” I sighed, pulling her into my lap. “Promise me you wont worry about me that much?”

“Absolutely not.” She adjusted herself so that she straddled my thighs. “All i'm gonna do is worry about you now. You big dumb ass.” She resumed her gentle kisses and I dove back in to trying to pull more out of her. Anything to get my mind off of this. Too many emotions at once gave me a sick panicky feeling and retreating to sex was my comfort zone of all things, especially with Eri. With all the heavy talk I wanted to go back to burying it deep down inside my brain and my heart, trapped with all the other shit i had been through. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free. Maybe i should be taking more time to properly heal and process it but i just wasn't capable of doing that. At least not now. Maybe somewhere down the line when i was in my mid thirties and having a crisis in therapy I could address it. But for now I was content with shoving it aside and convincing myself that I was alright. I need that intimate touch with Eri to help me forget and metaphorically wash away the dead feeling my body had from having sex with a destructive force of nature. I let my mind snap back to our kiss just as her lips parted and I could slip my tongue in. I sighed into her mouth, moving past my traumatic thoughts and letting my fingers trail up and down her spine.

Getting lost in her lips was a better addiction than any drug I'd ever done before. The way they felt against mine made me never want to stop kissing her. I didn't need to breathe, i just needed her against me. Her fingers crept into my hair, twirling around a few strands. Just as I kissed at her bottom lip she let out a soft whimper. “It still hurts, jerk.”

I smiled a bit, remembering my handiwork of almost tearing into the tenderness of her lips. A little part of me liked it, making it akin to her knowing that she was mine in that moment. “Oh, now you're gonna complain, princess?”

“D-dont call me that.” She whispered, touching her fingers to her tender lip.

“Why?”

“Because it's...i mean it goes with the whole...um-uh-" She turned her voice down to a whisper. “Daddy thing.”

Shit. I had almost forgotten about that. But how could I? It triggered something in me. Something i never even knew I desired. It made me want to do filthy flithy things and get lost in the way she begged for me. My own cheeks started to heat up just at the thought. “Right...so...uh...is that a thing between us now or?”

“I dont know! I mean it's still...there's like more to it than just the name and I dont think it's gonna be your gig!”

“How do you know that?” I tapped her forehead with mine gently and gave her another kiss. “Maybe I like all the shit you're into.”

“Name one single kink you have.”

“I like the hair pulling.”

“That's like normal people stuff, Johnny.” She practically laughed. “All i'm saying is that there's dynamics, trust, and learning that goes with using that word. It's more complicated than you think.”

“Does it mean i can control you?”

“EXCUSE.” She yelled.

“WHAT!? I'm just asking. I'm curious. Can't i be curious?”

“Well yeah but...i didn't think we'd be having this conversation so suddenly and especially not after everything that's happened.”

“I still like sex, Eri. I still want to have sex. I want to have good sex so that way my body doesn't shut down completely and i'm reminded of what it's like to not have control. Hence, why I asked. Can i have control of you?”

“Well...i mean…” she fidgeted against me and groped at the ends her hair. This was the first time I had ever really seen her so docile. It was a bit strange but i was beginning to like it almost as much as i liked her fiery “take no bullshit” personality. “Not all the time. Only in the bedroom, or bathroom...or i guess bumper cars too.”

“Interesting.” So she was giving me permission. Now what to do with that exactly. I was diving into new territory and while it was a hell of a lot more frightening than it was thrilling, the spark of curiosity was ever growing. Control was something I definitely needed during sex. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I didn't exactly see it as a kink thing, it was more of a me thing and how my mind reacted when I fucked. It was like a defensive mechanism that went off as soon as I was in someone. “Ok. So...another thing.” I started.

“Oh boy.” She took a deep breath and exhaled dramatically. “What else?”

“The choking.”

She scrunched up her body and wiggled in the most uncomfortable way. “Right. Uh...that's a thing I like. Not everyone does and you don't have to do it if you don't want to! And if you're trying to be kinky because of me you really really don't have to. I can have regular sex.”

“I want to try some things. The choking is a bit much but if you're okay with it and if i'm doing it right then maybe i'd be willing to do it again.” I confessed.

She covered her face and dove her head into my chest. “Oh my god. I can't believe we're doing this.”

“Why are you so off put by us doing it but not by Ten or Yuta?”

“Because!” She said, practically muffled by the barriers of our skin. “I never expected this from you! It's a little weird!”

“What's so weird about it?”

“I-you- we...ugh, i don't know! I guess i just…” She didn't look at me when she trailed off in her thoughts. She tugged harder on her hair, pulling a few strands free. I pulled her hands away before it got any worse.

“You're stressed.” I noted.

“It's a lot in one night to process. And i know you want to talk about this stuff between us right now because you want to ignore what happened. I get that, i really do. It feels good to ignore shit but it's a ticking time bomb.”

“I know that. The bomb has exploded a few times but it's all I can do right now. If you dont want to talk about kink stuff or sex or my life then that's fine.”

“Nonononono!” She waved her hand frantically as if to stop me. “I do! I like our talk but i'm...i don't want it to get too messy between us. I take the kink thing seriously. They're different relationships compared to romances or friendships, though they can cross over. So even if mutual friends do it and something happens where there’s disconnect or trust issues than it can be difficult to repair that. On top of that, you and I are-we're really connected. I keep forgiving you, you keep thinking about me. We're fucking stupid.”

“That's for damn sure. I know what I want from you.” I lied. “It's just sex.” Idiot, stop talking right now. “That's all it is, Eri.” Jesus christ, why do you do this to yourself?

It may have been in my imagination but maybe her deep brown eyes showed a hint of hurt in them. She quickly smiled as if would create a clean slate. “Well duh!” She laughed, which seemed a bit forced. “What else would it be! We're just friends. Who fuck. A lot. Just friends.”

I nodded, feeling my heart clench behind my rib cage. My mind was screaming to blurt out that I liked her but the chains that shackled me to my inability to fully trust anyone prevented me from heading in that new direction. “Just friends.”

She returned my nod as if we had just sealed a pact. “Um...so we're friends. Who fuck. And now you want to try being my-” She whispered again like the word was suddenly going to condemn her. “Daddy.”

“I mean…” What the fuck did I even mean? “Yes?”

She flopped into my chest again and i could tell we were on the same level of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. Eri had been right all along and I should've listened to her. It was too much all at once. “Hey, do you want some clothes to change into so that way you're not all covered in straps and buckles and shit?” I said, trying to flip the conversation entirely.

“Oh!” She seemed grateful for the change of pace. “Yes, please. I'm ready to yeet this damn bra off.”

“What's your costume even supposed to be anyway?” I asked.

“I dont know,” She shrugged. “I just put together anything that looked slutty. Call me like a black cat or something.”

I flicked the metal o-ring on her collar. “Yeah, with your kitty collar.” I meant it as a joke but i could see by the way her she ducked her head and avoided me that she was thinking of something else. “Eri, oh my god.”

“What?! I didn't say anything!”

“You didn't have to, you kinky slut. I didn't mean it like that.” She hit my chest playfully.

“Shut up!” Eri shimmied off me and stood up between my legs. Her thighs were in my face now and i couldn't help but run my hands over them and cup her ass. This was my favorite part about her and i could kiss them for hours if she let me. I felt her tap my forehead. “Now you're being the slut. Come pick something for me to wear. I don't know where your clothes are.”

I patted her ass, beckoning her to move so i could get up myself. She moved back and headed towards my room. I was still slowly getting up from the floor when i heard her gasp. “What happened?!” I panicked and went to her side. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary though. “What's wrong?”

“Who's room is this? It's so clean!” She clutched her chest, over dramatically, and looked around. “There's no starbucks cups! And it smells so nice! Clothes are in the laundry basket! Oh my!”

“Ha ha, very funny. Sometimes cleaning your room during a severe depression episode helps. I just wanted something to help make me feel better.”

I went over to my closet while she poked around still raptured by the fact that she could now see my floor. I pushed through some of my gym shirts and button ups and found a hoodie that i thought might fit her. I pulled it out, waiting to hand it over to her, when i saw her fingers dancing over the keys of my electric keyboard. Her attention turned towards my acoustic guitar after, her head cocking just a bit to the side.

“So i'm not the only one with a music secret?”

“I dont keep it a secret. I make music with the guys all the time. It's just been really hard lately.”

“Mhm…” Eri pressed her lips together, her eyes darting to the left as if she was mulling over something. “So...if you're in journalism are you doing music journalism like I am?”

I shook my head and kind of laughed. I guess school and life shit never came up between us when we were fucking each others brains out. “No, photojournalism actually. I'm getting a minor in music production but I want to do mostly photojournalism.”

“I don't think you can get a degree by taking thirst trap gym pictures for instagram, Johnny boy.” She nudged my shoulder back playfully and i just rolled my eyes at her.

“I don't just take those kinds of pictures. I do other stuff. Better stuff. More meaningful stuff.” I leaned back against my dresser, the hoodie still in hand as i waited for her to start disrobing. She began with the collar, unbuckling it from around her neck and letting it fall against the harness. She turned towards me when she struggled to get to the straps behind her. I set the hoodie between my knees and pried at the metal clusterfuck. She pulled her hair over her shoulders. My eyes instantly went to the tattoos she had across her shoulder blades. I was tracing over the designs in my mind, falling deep in thought and not hearing what she was saying. I trailed up to her neck and could see the faintest dark mark from where my fingers dug into her throat. I swallowed hard. I don't know what had possessed me to give in to what she wanted. Choking wasn't something i had ever wanted to do yet she had somehow seduced me into it like some sort of vinyl clad succubus that had control over me with that little word she mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) uttered.

She looked back at me. “Did you hear me?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked and refocused on getting the straps of the harness loose. “Uh, what did you say?”

She pulled off the harness and took off her bra, sighing in relief. “I said i want to see some of your “meaningful stuff” since you said you're not always taking thirst trap pics and gym selfies.”

“Oh! Uh...i mean sure.” I handed her the hoodie which she slipped on before discarding the rest of her clothes and her boots. She looked much more cozy than before and i found myself preferring this look rather than her glammed up dominatrix gear. The sleeves of my hoodie were too long for her arms, dangling far past her small hands. She swung her arms a bit, wiggling her hips as she watched the excess fabric flop around. I couldn't help but laugh. “What the hell are you doing?”

She wiggled her arms out at me. “I don't know. They're so long on me it makes me think of an octopus.” She shrugged and became a little bit more reserved. “Sorry, i kinda do weird shit all the time.”

“Yeah, you definitely are weird that's for sure.”

“Tell me something I dont know.”

“I used to do this parrot impression for my mom when i was a kid.” I said.

“What in the fuck?” She laughed, covering half of her face with her sleeves as if to hide from second hand embarrassment.

“That's something you don't know but now you do. And i would show it to you but i don't think you deserve to see my great skill.”

“PLEASE, spare me. I don't want to hear you squawk like a parrot for the love of god.” She pawed at me with her hand as she stepped closer and set her head on my chest. I subconsciously wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled out my phone. I went to my photography Instagram and held it out for her to see.

“But anyway, parrot impression aside, here's my photography stuff. I mean it's not great or anything but...you know, i like it.”

She pushed the sleeves up her arms until her little hands were free and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my pictures. I felt my heartbeat increase with nervousness. I think i might've been scared to hear what she actually thought of my work; i guess i was putting value on her opinions and possibly wanting to...impress her? I was half prepared to hear that it all sucked but definitely not prepared for what she actually said.

“Johnny, you're so beautiful.”

I whipped my head towards her, stunned completely at those little words that i had never heard coupled together in my entire life. “W-what?” She angled my phone so i could see a self portrait i had done of me during the sunset. I thought it was a weak composition but for her to think that i was actually...beautiful? “It’s just...it's just a self portrait. I was just trying to experiment with lighting and-”

“You're beautiful, idiot. And talented. I love all of these.” She scrolled some more and almost let out a dreamy sigh. “This one...this one is perfect.” The new tile she had expanded was that of my eye filtering through the brightness of the sun and bringing out the kaleidoscope of colors my iris could make. Her cheeks looked a little warmer and i could have sworn she had let out a tiny giggle of pleasure.

“What? It's just my eye.”

“Yeah but your eyes are that perfect shade of brown that can do all sorts of things. I remember at the party right before you kissed me, the kitchen light reflected in them and they turned into a warm honey color and it was...um...nice. Sorry…” Her excitement seemed to die down and she handed my phone back to me. “I kinda made it weird…”

My palms were started to sweat again and i couldn't quite figure out how to respond. No one had ever talked about me or any of my features in that manner. I could say the same about her but currently my throat was turning into a knot. I pulled away from her and tossed my phone on my desk trying to focus on anything else. She padded over to my bed and sat down, keeping her distance and vow of silence. The only thing that interrupted it was the loud growl from her stomach. I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. “I take it you’re hungry?”

“Well...It may have been like...6 hours since I actually ate at work.”

“Eri. Seriously?”

“Look, I had to start getting ready for the party. It takes me an hour and a half to look like this!” She circled her hand around her face that (though a little messed up now) had makeup caked on that made her look like some alternative Instagram model.

“Oh my god. Ok, can I interest you in a carpet picnic of-” I thought to what I had in my fridge. “A bunch of pizza rolls and french fries, a half bottle of bottom shelf whiskey, and some cigarettes that you entirely loathe but will smoke anyway?”

“Oh Johnny!” She giggled jokingly. “How utterly romantic. You know a way directly to my heart.”

I shrugged. “What can I say, i’m a charmer. I’m gonna put the pizza rolls in.”

“Uh, should I just stay in here?”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want, babe.” I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the giant bag of pizza rolls and fries from the freezer. I pulled a mostly clean baking sheet from the oven and dumped the food on it. I tried to remember when I even kept the shitty whiskey. I checked the fridge and thankfully it was way in the back behind some old chinese cartons and milk. I pulled it out and set it on the counter, finding some leftover plastic shot glasses I normally used for parties. Just as i was setting the food in the oven she joined me in the kitchen, hopping onto the counter and opening the whiskey.

She poured out two shots and held it out to me. “You need it.”

“I need to become an alcoholic to deal with all the shit im going through.” I chuckled. We held up the glasses up in a silent toast before tossing them back. She instantly poured us another one.

“Don't become an alcoholic. I'm already the alcoholic in this relationship. You're the delinquent drug user and nymphomaniac.”

“Excuse me. I am not a nympho. I can go without sex.”

“Wanna bet?” She smirked and tossed back another shot.

“No. I know i'd lose.”

“I know, that's why i want to. Since i'll win i can ask you to do a favor for me.”

“Oh no.” I protested already seeing that devilish look in her eye. “I don't trust you.”

“C'mooonnn. Dont be a chicken. I won't make it so bad. Let's see if you can last until tomorrow. I'll make it easy.” She propositioned.

“Fine. I can do until tomorrow.” I drank my shot and set it down on the counter, rubbing my chest at the after burn.

Suddenly, Eri was caressing my face, guiding me towards her for a gentle kiss. “In all seriousness i'm glad you're okay after everything. Physically, i mean. I'm sure you're still working on the mentally.”

“I'll be fine, Eri. One day at a time, yeah?”

She nodded and hummed a little in agreement. My lips hovered over hers for a moment, hesitating before giving in. I wrapped my hand around hers, pulling it away from my face to entwine our fingers together. Our kiss was much more slower than before, so that way she wouldn't complain about me hurting her sore lip. Between our tongues tangling I could hear the soft moan of my name. I pulled away just a bit. “Hmm?”

“I could kiss you for hours.” She confessed, adding a gentle squeeze to my hand. I nodded against her, my breath speeding up as my heart thundered.

“That's for damn sure. You're always driving me crazy with those lips of yours.”

“I could say the same about you.” She sealed her statement with another kiss, driving us into another session unaffected by time and boredom. That was until i smelled the beginnings of something burning.

“Fuck!” I pulled away from her quickly and rushed to grab a pot holder. I opened the oven door and saw that the pizza rolls were getting a bit too brown but I was able to save them before they were little charcoal blocks. I took the whole pan out and set it on top of the stove to let it cool.

“Good job, chef.” Eri chuckled as she poked at me with her foot.

“Well, if I hadn't been distracted then maybe I could've taken them out in time.” I swatted at her foot gently, scrunching away when she continued her playful pokes. “I'm gonna beat your little ass.” I joked.

She jumped down from the counter and over my shoulder I could see her walking towards the couch. “Ooh, spank me, Daddy.” I could tell she was joking but the coy little look on her face told me she was still testing those forbidden awkward waters. I shook my head; this chick was ridiculous and I loved it. I grabbed some plates for us and loaded them up, tucking the bottle of whiskey under my arm as i balanced everything. I set the plates down on the coffee table and plopped down beside her in front of the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” I suggested.

She nodded. “Put a scary movie on or a serial killer documentary. It helps me fall asleep.” She ended her sentence with a yawn.

“You fall asleep to the sound of people getting murdered?”

“Yeah, doesn't everyone?” She laughed. “I’m just used to the sounds and the documentaries are soft spoken. It's nice background sounds.”

“Alright, weirdo.” I complied with her request, searching through my netflix for something she deemed interesting enough. We eventually settled on Friday the 13th and fell into a rhythm of eating, laughing at the terrible acting, and Eri telling me her favorite things about scary movies. It was almost stereotypical but she was absolutely adorable when she got so passionate about describing her favorite type of movie blood, murder weapon, and trope. Occasionally she would feed me a pizza roll or french fry and laugh when it was too hot and burned my tongue. Spending time like this, just hanging out without any craziness, parties, or people around us was amazing. She was becoming more than just a pretty face and a sex god. She was actually showing her personality. It was my turn to say that she was showing her humanity.

When the food was done and whiskey gone i realized that we were cuddled up together in front of the couch. I had gotten a blanket from my room to make sure she was warm enough and changed into some temporary pjs. Her eyelids were getting heavier and she was on the verge of completely passing out. “Eri, baby, you want to go to my bed?”

She perked her head up, sleepily. “No, no. We're watching the movie.”

“It's almost done.”

“Hmm, stay here.” She tugged on my shirt, keeping me close. I sighed and complied, even though my ass was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor all this time. I kissed the top of her head before sinking down so i could rest my head in her lap. It gave my back a break and my tailbone some room to breathe. Her fingers combed through my hair, pushing it back and scratching at my scalp every once in awhile. That in of itself was like a lullaby to me. I felt my eyes getting heavy and heard the soft hums of a song i half recognized. I set her other hand on my stomach, letting her fingers crawl underneath my tank top to rub at the skin there. This was amazing. Everything felt so warm and perfect and I thought I could finally sleep in peace.

But I was fucking wrong.

I don't know how long it took for me to slip into a panic. Flashes of Rixi and my past mistakes were dancing behind my fluttering eyelids and I tried to push them away. My breath was gone. All i could do was let out a harsh rasp as if something was choking the life out of me. My heart felt like it was going to explode any moment. The damn void surrounded me and swallowed me up, replaying my internal screams until i felt my body shake hard.

“Hey, hey! Johnny, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

My eyes flew open and I shot up, trying to suck in air with heavy gasps. I felt sweat pouring down the sides of my face. I was trembling and couldn't control it. It finally clicked that I was at home and had been for a few hours. Eri was still beside me, complete fear staining her face. Her silhouette was surrounded by the light of the tv in an almost angelic halo. My heart continued to storm throughout my entire system and made my ears thunder. My breath still couldn't catch up with the rest of my body and it was a battle to try and focus on getting a single inhale. I could see her mouth moving but the words weren't registering. I tried clutching at her, screaming for her to help pull me out, but my limbs were dead and it felt like she was still out of my grasp no matter if I tried or not.

“Johnny! Look at me! I need you to focus!” I heard her snap her fingers as she turned my head towards her. Her voice was finally hitting my ear drums and I blinked a few times as I came out of my confused stupor. She set one of my hands over her heart. “Do you feel the way I’m breathing? I need you to do that with me right now.”

I looked down at my hand then back up at her, still unable to speak. Beneath my fingers her heart was beating a little fast but her breaths were much more steady than my own. She inhaled, holding it for a moment before letting it go. “With me Johnny, come on. In and out.” She repeated her steady breaths and I inhaled with her. A sharp pain swam through my chest but I forced myself through it to exhale. In and out, in and out, over and over until the weight lifted off my ribs. God, i wanted to cry. This one was so much worse then the ones i had nights before. It scared me shitless. I pulled away from Eri and tried to stand up. “Hey, take it easy. Relax for a second.” She said, grabbing a hold of my arm to keep me down beside her.

“Let me go.” I said, more sternly than I should have. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or how to calm down. I shook off her grip on me and went to my room, spending my time pacing like a mad man. Eventually she made her way over to the doorway, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

“Johnny…” She said softly. I shook my head, not knowing what for. Did I need space? Did I want space from her? I shook out my hands nervously, continuing my pacing. She took a tentative step towards me and tried reaching out. “Hey, I can help you through this you know.”

“You don’t-” I took another breath. “You don’t know how this feels.” My voice was a shaky mess.

“Hah,” she scoffed. “Good assumption. Trust me. I’ve had panic attacks where I went unconscious and barely remember what happened. I know what it’s like to go through something as serious as this. But you’ve got too much going on in your body right now. If you don’t take a second to stop you are literally going to make things worse.”

“I know how my fuckin’ body reacts, okay?!” I yelled. She nodded solemnly and kept quiet. I was lashing out just because I never wanted anyone to see me have a night terror. I wasn’t ready for that level of vulnerability yet, especially not with my fuck buddy that I thought about constantly and wanted to save me from myself. It was layer after layer of toxic thoughts but I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to kick her out but at the same time I wanted her to stay. I wanted her against me, i wanted her voice to keep guiding me through this. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be a destructive force and I had to stop. Please, I need it to stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, I know. Is it okay if I touch you or are you still hypersensitive?”

“Ye-yeah, it’s ok. I was just-”

“Confused, I know.” She stepped closer and grabbed onto me, gently pushing me towards the bed. I sat on the edge, my leg bouncing furiously. She took my face in her hands and guided me to look in her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here. Do you know what you need?”

“Can you get the weed out my drawer?”

“I don’t think that may be best right now.” She said.

“I literally smoke it for anxiety.”

“Yeah but...no offense- actually kind of full offense- you’re broke. You don’t get good stuff or medicinal quality shit. It’s honestly just a coping mechanism like your regular cigarettes are at this point. If you smoke enough you could probably trip but i feel like it’s going to fuck up your system. We can lay down together instead.”

“No. I’ll just get it myself.” I stood up, still unable to stay in one place for long, but she kept her small frame in front of me in hopes of blocking my every move. “Eri, move.”

“Johnny, please just hear me out-”

“Move!”

She set the sweater sleeves over her face, hiding from me completely. She finally stepped away and I could hear her small sniffles. Guilt was riddling my stomach as I went to my drawer and got out the cigarette case that held all my blunts. I lit one up, taking in a deep exhale and holding it in until it burned. “I hate seeing you like this…” She whispered.

“Yeah, well I fuckin’ hate being like this, but here we are. You can leave if you want to. Nothing’s keeping you here, especially if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

“I don’t...you need someone. I’m okay with being that someone.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“That’s the problem in the first place Johnny. You’re closing yourself off. You have moments when you let people in but not enough for anyone to truly help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want help.” I lied.

“You do. I know you do. I know I can’t break that wall down in a day but you can trust me to be right here.”

I took another hit and kept my back towards her. We stayed in silence for a bit more while I mulled over her words. I knew what she was doing was exactly what I needed, but my defense mechanism to block out everyone was in overdrive. She was never supposed to see me this weak. No one was. I rested my elbows on top of my dressed and cradled my head in my hands. I could feel a tension headache surmounting in the back of my skull making my head pound. The shaking in my hands continued even as I puffed away. When one was done, I lit another without a moment in between, stuffing my almost full ashtray even more. Soon enough I felt her fingers grace my shoulders. The way she looked at me had me hating myself. “I don’t know what I want Eri.” My voice cracked and I took a smaller hit, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She stood on her tiptoes, slowly moving her hands up my chest until they wrapped around my neck. I set the blunt in the ashtray and turned towards her fully setting my hands underneath her ass to pull her against me more. She kissed me then, drawn out and cautious, letting the reminder of smoke i held in flow into her mouth. Her tongue drew mines out, sucking on it deeply as her fingers danced at the nape of my neck. “This isn't good for you either.” She gasped in between the few moments of our lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

“Me.”

“You are. You're good. Too damn good for me.” I pressed my forehead against hers and begged for another kiss. She kept herself at bay, shaking her head as she moved to cup my neck.

“We shouldn't do this. It's not healthy.”

“Coming from someone who drinks and parties her problems away, i don't think either of us are fuckin’ healthy right now.”

“I try not to…” She whimpered and I realized it might have stung more than I intended. “But that's why I said I understand everything. We go through the same shit. We know when things are wrong but-”

“We keep doing them. Every time, i come back to you.”

“Yeah…” Her hand caressed my face now, her eyes flowing up towards mine to reflect every ounce of hurt I felt. “Why is fucking our solution to everything?”

I closed my eyes and grabbed a firm hold of her ass to pull her up around my waist. She wrapped her bare legs around me, squeezing me to the warmth between her thighs. I swallowed hard. “Because, nothing feels better than drowning in someone rather than dealing with pain and heartache.”

“I just want to help. I just want to make you feel better, John…” She buried her face in my neck, gripping onto me like she was going to lose me then and I led her to my bed, laying her down gently. “I don't know how else to do it, Johnny. Tell me.”

“You. Give me you.” I exhaled and pressed myself harder against her, keeping her legs wrapped around me tight. I got lost in her lips again while my hands grabbed and caressed everything I could. Her chest filled up my palm and I kneaded her breast with everlasting attention. Her tiny and barely audible moans coated my tongue as she sucked it into her mouth. My brows furrowed and i ground my hips into her center letting her know that it was exactly what I wanted. Though she looked so perfect in my hoodie I needed it off her. I reluctantly left her breast and slid my hand under the fabric, shoving it towards her shoulders. She wiggled her arms free before pulling me back down to her again. My lips covered her neck this time, flowing over the imprint I had left behind earlier.

Meanwhile, she was exploring the expanse of my back, her hands creeping lower until she grabbed my ass. The thin fabric between wasn't enough to keep her warmth or wetness away from me. If anything it drew me in more, as if i was under a spell and needed to feel how i felt just hours before. My body tensed in anticipation and i could feel myself stirring again with renewed vigor. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” She ran her fingers through my hair again, her voice a sweet invitation to pleasure. I nodded eagerly, ready to feel any and every inch of her skin against mine. She gripped my hair and used the force in her thighs to push me down on the bed, switching our positions so she was on top. I sucked in a breath, biting my lip as I watched every move she made. My hands moved on their own accord, sliding over her thighs and grabbing a hold of the waistband of her panties. I gave her a little tug, making her fall forwards onto my chest. She planted her hand beside my head, steadying herself a bit. “You need to let me do this for you.”

“I'm letting you.” I whispered, truly believing that she was in control but she shook her head at me, snubbing me as a liar.

“No, you're not. Relax, Johnny. Don't you think i know how to treat my man?” My eyes widened at her words and my body stiffened as her lips trailed a fiery path down my throat towards my chest. I was trying to form a response but my brain faded as soon as I felt her nails drag down my ribs and her tongue flash over my nipple. I couldn’t help the curses I whispered or the fact that my hand gripped the back of her head, planting her there. The way her tongue and teeth ran over that sensitive area had me throbbing and arching towards her body. Her nails eased down from my ribs over to my stomach until they reached my pants. She pulled away from me and shuffled herself off the bed to pull them off. I lifted my hips to help her and tossed away my tank top, feeling a bit more free and less suffocated.

“What about those?” I motioned towards the simple black thong she had on. I wanted to see her again, especially as I thrusted inside her.

She shook her head. “Be patient.” She pressed herself onto her knees and spread my thighs a bit wider. I shuffled up more on the bed giving her a bit more room to comfortably stay between my legs and suck me down. My head rested back against my pillow as her lips sealed around my cock, sliding down my shaft and covering my veins in her tongue. She was driving strangled pants out of me already and I couldn't help but dig my hand into her curls again. Her hands rubbed my inner thighs, spreading warmth over them before maneuvering down to cup my balls. Her thumb rolled over each one, adding pressure every so often as her cheeks started to hollow out around as much as she could handle. I licked my lips and tried to keep as quiet as I could but this was bliss.

She popped off my cock and planted kisses to the underside of my shaft. Her mouth went lower and her tongue traced the same pattern her thumbs had across my balls. One after the other she took them into her warm wet heat and I pulled at her hair hard, wanting to fill her mouth entirely. She whimpered, the small timbre making me shudder and ease out her name within a groan. “Fuck...Eri…”

I wasn't even looking down at her but I could feel those dark eyes on me, watching my every breath and tense of my muscles. My hips could only try and press up towards her lips though she denied that satisfaction. She moved even lower, kissing and adding heated kitten licks to the sensitive area behind my balls. My body shot up, my legs tensing completely. She looked up at me innocently enough, her ass poised in the air and lips glistening. “Relax, it feels good. Trust me.”

“What is it?” I swallowed thickly.

She smirked and almost giggled. “Don’t worry.” She set her hand on my chest and pushed me back down onto the mattress while her other fingers danced across that sensitive patch of skin she had discovered. My thighs almost bucked closed but she made sure she could keep them open. She kept her place between them, taking me in her mouth again. The combination of her teasing and deep sucks made me cover my mouth to shield any loud moans from escaping. My other hand left her hair to clutch at the sheets beside me, trembling as I fisted them tight. Her tongue slid over my slit, dipping in and drawing out the bit of pre cum already leaking. I felt a throb straight through my length. It made my toes curl and my back arch a bit. I could feel my orgasm approaching and I didn’t want it to end just yet.

“Eri!”

She jumped up, licking her lips and looking at me wide eyed. “W-what?”

“N-not...um, not yet.”

She smiled and crawled her way up to my face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be inside me when you do.”

“F-fuck…” I shuddered at her words and kissed her hard, letting her wrap her delicate fingers around me and give a few pulls to my already heated and sensitive cock. I set my hand on her ass, grabbing a hold of her stupid panties and tearing at them. “N-need...now.”

She wiggled out of them, kicking them off her ankle before beckoning me on top of her. Her wish was my command and soon enough I was looking down at her as her lip stayed trapped between her teeth and she guided me in. “Slow,” She whispered. “I’m still a bit sore from earlier.”

I nodded and sunk into her heated depths. I loved the way she wrapped around me, suffocated me, letting me go as deep as I could. I set my head beside hers on the pillow, adding small kisses to her shoulder and collar bone. I heard her wince as I started my first thrust, making me stop. “Sssh, daddy’s got you.” Wait, whoa fuck. I pressed my lips together, my body frozen. Shit, i really said that. But Eri didn’t seem at all embarrassed unlike I was. Instead, she wrapped her arms under my own, spreading her fingers across my shoulder blades as she held on. If she wasn’t going to acknowledge it then I would pretend it never happened either.

“Keep going…” She said. “Please…”

This was what she wanted then. She liked what i had said and the fact that I needed her this much. Maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe we were made for each other. I shook my head and sunk my teeth into her shoulder, her pained whimper filling my ear. I kept my thrusts slow and steady even though i wanted to fuck all these intrusive thoughts away. I didn't have time to think about this. It's just a fuck, Johnny. A fuck you need to put your mind at ease and get back to sleep. It's...it's just a…

My need to tear through her at a fast pace dwindled as i realized how much the gentleness was worth it. I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, amazed by how fucking stunning she was. Her full lips were pouted open just enough to let the softest of mewls fill the space between us. Her hair spread across the pillows like a crown of amethyst and her beautifully rich skin glowed with a pink flush. Though her makeup was a mess she still seemed...beautiful. I was thankful her eyes were closed because she wouldn't be able to see the shock on my face. God, my head was swimming and she was devouring me. I was only getting weaker against her and she was everything I wanted.

“It's ok now,” she cooed once she felt my body pause. Her knee slipped from around my waist towards my ribs letting me sink in almost to the hilt. “You can go a little faster.”

“I don't want to hurt you.” I finally said. My voice was trembling.

She shook her head. “It won't now, baby. Trust me. I want to feel you cum.”

“I-inside?”

She buried her face against my shoulder and I could barely make out her whisper. “Just cum, okay?”

I nodded and finally sped up my thrusts getting a bit more relief than when i was going slow and feeling every painstakingly good thing about her. Her sweet little moans were driving me crazy and i kissed her again just to try and keep her quiet. I buried my fingers in her hair, forcing her head to stay close. I was afraid now, more than ever. Sometimes fear was just a reflection of what we truly desired and i was afraid of the love she was giving me. The tenderness, the worry, the support, the protection. It was all I ever wanted and now that I had it i didnt know what to do with it but push it away. The insecure thoughts in my mind reminded me that I wasn't going to be able to escape this feeling. It was solidified when my lips pulled from hers and I could see her head tossed back against the pillows. Her body was arched perfectly against me as if we were molded together. My name was the only thing she could say beside ‘please’ and it brought me closer to finishing. My hand gripped the edge of the mattress and i used the leverage to fuck her harder.

She stretched around me, her nails digging fast tracks into my skin. I knew I was close but I wanted to spend every last moment up until the end inside her. Her muscles were flexing around me making my breath fade into non existence. My body tensed and melted at the same time and i managed to slide away from her warmth. I couldn't help the groan i let out as spurt after spurt painted her inner thighs and heated center. I kept my hold on the mattress so tight I was sure my knuckles were going white. It took a few minutes for me to ground myself and fully relax. I settled my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat echo in my ears. “You ok?” She whispered.

No. On a lot of levels I was not. Even now that I had worked out some of the anxiety that sent my body into a hyper fit I still wasn't okay. I didn't know how to express that to her exactly especially since part of the reason that I wasn't okay was because i realized all too late that I may feel something deeper for her than I had ever imagined. The sex was supposed to be a cure all but now it just made me want to hide. It was too intimate and real way too fast. Why don't i ever listen to the rational side of my brain?

“Johnny?”

“What?” I grumbled, mad at myself.

She kissed the top of my head and wrapped her hand around mine. “If you can't sleep or don’t want to I’ll stay up with you.”

I sighed and rolled off her, rubbing both my hands across my face. “Nah, it’s chill. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine or whatever.”

“You don’t sound fine.” She said sadly.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Wow, great. As if anything good ever came from that sentence being uttered between two people.”

“I’m serious, my heads just still all fucked up. Thinking about a lot of shit still.”

“I know I could tell...butttt you seemed pretty eager to fuck me again. Especially now that im covered in your cum.”

I couldn't help but laugh a bit. “I'm always eager to fuck you.” I admitted.

“Well duh. I'm great in the sack.” She cuddled against me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I was kicking myself the entire time but there was a bigger voice saying fuck it. Fuck the complicated ass feelings. If you could be happy for one night, one day, then do it. I deserved it. I'm going back to having fun.

“You didn't cum.” I said suddenly with my newfound realization and motivation.

She kissed my neck this time. “Don't care. It was about you, daddy.”

That damn word again. I hadn't even had a chance to relax and I was getting worked up again. “I care. I want you to feel good too. I was being kind of selfish.”

She shook her head. “I'm telling you, you did exactly what I wanted. I wanted you inside me and I wanted you to cum and feel good.”

“Get on top of me.” I commanded.

“Johnny you seriously-”

“Princess, do you think i'm joking? Get on top of me.”

Her cheeks flared up again and her mouth hung open a little. “I...um...o-okay.” She kept her head low as she crawled back over my hips.

“Fuck yourself on me. Now.”

“You sure? I-i mean, you just came so like...you'll be really sensitive and -Ah!!” I cut off her sentence with a slap to her thigh.

“Do it, Eri. I’m over these fucking feelings eating me up and I’ll be damned if it keeps happening and ruining my time with you-with anyone.”

She let out a cute whimper and lifted her hips up a bit. She guided my still mostly hard cock towards her entrance and sunk down slowly. I hissed harshly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as her body completely overwhelmed my sensitivity. I had never felt anything like this before. She hadn’t even started moving and I already felt like I was going to cum again. I tried to steady my breathing that was building rapidly. It almost felt as intense as my anxiety attack but this was one hell of a way for my body to react. I clawed at her hips, leaving my own marks behind as she began working her ass against me. This was exactly what I needed. My mind was a fucked out mess, only being able to concentrate on how good she felt instead of everything else and my body couldn’t keep up.

We were getting lost in each other and it seemed never ending. A rough grind here, a thrust there, our hands never straying away from one another. Her neck disappeared in my palm and she pressed her thumb against my throat testing the waters of my shaking frame. She was practically saying my new found title like a prayer, over and over as if it was going to tether her to some holy plane. I could barely manage any sounds. My voice was nonexistent though I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to know that i was losing myself and never wanted to resurface. Her thighs quivered then, her tiny fingers clutching at my neck tighter.

Her moans were becoming rougher and more staggered until she finally came like i wanted. She fell forward onto me, burying her face in my chest as small shivers went throughout her system. It was enough to make my body react, reaching another orgasm that shocked the hell out of me. I had never got off more than once in such a short time frame. It was more intense and a bit longer than before and fuck it felt amazing. I didnt know i was even capable of doing that. “H-holy fuck…” i finally managed to say. “Eri, what the fuck did you do to me?”

She was so deep in my chest that her voice was muffled. “I'm guessing you found out that guys can have multiple orgasms without cumming, huh?”

“Oh my god...since when?”

She snorted. “It takes some practice and getting used to but it's possible. They don't teach you that shit in sex ed.”

I pushed my hair back and wiped at the sweat across my forehead. “Jesus…”

“Welcome to my,” her sentence was interrupted with a yawn. “World.”

I kissed her forehead and set my arms around her shoulder as i tried to process everything that happened between us. “Sleep, ok?”

“‘M sticky…” she mumbled.

Right. Fuck. My body felt like a sack of bricks but i parted from her gently and slowly worked my way to the bathroom, grabbing my towel from the back of my door. The apartment was still quiet and the automatic timer on the tv had shut it off leaving everything is darkness. I didn't even know if Jae had come home. I'd have to check my phone to see if he had texted me at some point. I managed to not trip on anything getting to the bathroom sink and wet the towel. Briefly i looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking up in random places, lipstick smeared on my mouth and neck, and my eyes red. I splashed some water on my face and washed away the lipstick before heading back to my room.

Eri was splayed out in bed, her chest rising and falling gently. I realized she had already fallen asleep. I smiled as I took in her soft features and the way her lips pouted ever so slightly. I didn't want to disturb her so i cleaned her up as best as I could, ridding her of my leftover cum. When i was satisfied with my own cleanup i dove back into bed, setting my arm around her waist. I was afraid of falling back asleep but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out, faded, satiated, and reminiscing on feelings I shouldn't be having.

When I woke up it was already later in the evening. My body was still sore and tired but also starving. My hunger got the best of me and I needed something soon. I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times to see that Eri was still being my little spoon. I pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and sighed contently. I felt...good. Like really good. Like a fog had been lifted from my mind. For the first time in a month i felt like I could breathe easier and was happy to be alive. This was exactly what i needed. I tried sitting up a bit so i could prepare myself to start functioning but I noticed I was trapped inside her.

When the hell did that happen?

I dont remember us fooling around after we passed out, let alone getting hard enough again to stay inside her. Her warmth feel so good, even better when she shifted and backed herself up against me more. A soft sigh fell from her lips and I wondered if I should finish whatever the hell I had started. No. If i did she would keep me in this bed all damn day and I'd never get anything done. Slowly, I parted from her, biting my lip at the heated wetness that coated my cock still. I could grab a quick shower and take care of it then. I left her in bed and went about getting a shower (and jerk off session) in, scrubbing away a day and a half's worth of sweat and sex. I got on a fresh pair of pj pants and popped in my airpods, putting on my spotify list and heading to the kitchen.

There was about a half dozen texts from Jae and the group chat had blown up with about 50 messages, mostly from Yuta. Afterall he was there right in the thick of it and apparently was arguing with T.Y. for kicking Eri out. I didn't want to think about that now and only answered Jae letting him know that I was at the apartment. I worked through the fridge, getting what wasn't spoiled and remotely related to breakfast food out to start cooking. The music hit me as i was beating some eggs and i started dancing and singing along. I was enjoying it way too much and it was the best feeling ever.

In the middle of turning my omelet over I felt hands slide over my hip bones, resting beneath the band of my pajamas pants. Looking over my shoulder i could see Eri pressed into my back nuzzling against my skin. I set my omelet on a plate and popped out an airpod. I turned around and grabbed her waist, keeping her against me. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck making us press our forehead together. I was still grooving to the music, making her sway with me as she giggled. “What’s gotten into you this morning-afternoon-thing?”

“Don’t know,” I hummed a bit. “Just don’t feel as shitty right now.”

“Ohh, aren’t those less depression days nice? Makes you not feel like dying as much.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, just liking the way she felt against me. “Oh baby, maybe it's that look in your eyes. They been telling me she wanna leave. She's been dancing with the devil all night. it's like Hell is where she wanna be…” My own little concert was cut short when i felt her hit my chest hard. “Ouch, what the hell?!”

“You never told me you could sing you-you-stupid hot bastard!” She exclaimed.

“Oh...I’m more than just a dick you know.”

“EXCUSE?! You of all people saying that! I should hit you again!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, fuck...oh my god. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” I shrugged. “But I was joking, mostly. Just kinda feeling the song you know? Been listening to it on repeat and I finally feel good about music again.” I said.

“Will you sing for me some more?”

“Only if you’ll sing for me.”

“Well,” She laughed. “If you want me to scream in your face I will most certainly do that. But that’s all you get from me.”

“Oh right, your emo-screamo-twig bands. Serenade me with your lyrics about death and stabbing and going against the man.”

“As long as you serenade me about taking drugs and fucking girls because ‘i’m into it’.”

I leaned back against the counter, smirking a bit. “You listen to them too?”

“I listen to a lot of things.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss. “I’m more than just a dick you know.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird.” I grabbed her ass that I loved so much and pulled her up for a deeper kiss. She wasted no time sliding my tongue past my teeth and I could taste the fresh mintiness of my mouthwash on her. I slid my hands up my hoodie she had put on again, exposing her ass completely and about ready to fuck her on the counter, food forgotten. That was until i heard a throat clear behind us.

Eri and I separated and adjusted ourselves before turning around to see Quinn standing in the kitchen. “Well sorry to interrupt you guys tongue fucking each other's mouths but now that you're up I can finally give Eri their phone.”

“My-? Fuck, i didn't even notice! Where was it?” Eri said.

“You left it in Taeyong's bathroom. After the kinda fight thing happened and you left, Jae and I were worried about where you and Johnny might have gone off too. I luckily found it when i was trying to call you.” She handed it over to Eri. “We got to and realized that you the apartment around 3 am and realized you guys were here because of all the ‘oh daddy’, ‘daddy, yes! Please!’ getting screamed.”

Eri and I both stood up straighter, our faces crimson and heated. “I-i...i dont know what you're talking about!” Eri tried to lie.

“Don't bother trying to cover it up. You're getting louder, Eri.”

Eri hit Quinn with the fabric of the hoodie sleeve, making Quinn laugh amidst her incessant teasing. I didn't realize that we could be heard fucking. It wasn't something i was really used to with Eri. I could handle people hearing us moan but definitely not her saying...that. I didn't want people to know about that part of us just yet-or even at all. It was way too private. “I'm gonna kill you, Quinn, I swear it!” Eri exclaimed.

“Don't get so touchy! It was kinda hot listening to you guys.”

“You listened?!” I said. “What the hell, Quinn?!”

She just shrugged. “Ya’ll were being loud! Not like I had a choice! Anyway, Eri, Yuta has been blowing up your phone so you should check in with him. And Mama Doyoung wants to talk to you asap.”

“Fuck.” Eri whispered. “Doyoung is gonna kill me. Shit, I have to call him right now.”

“Why would Doyoung kill you?” I asked.

“It’s...nevermind. I may have to go see him.”

“Oh, also, one more thing.” Quinn started. “Jae and I are going to get boba this week.”

“I love boba!” Eri interrupted.

“I know. That’s why you and Johnny are going on a double date with us.”

“Whoa, wait what?!” I couldn’t help that my voice went up a few levels. “I dont- we are not dating or going out on dates!”

“Uh- huh so anyway, if ya’ll aren’t working Wednesday, we’re going then.”

Eri looked at Quinn then at me. “Uh...um...well...it’s not like a date-date, right? Friends get boba all the time. We get boba with Lucas and Yuta! Those aren’t dates.”

“Ok, whatever you wanna say. We’re going on a double date. So like be ready. I’m gonna go back to bed. I’m too tired.” Quinn gave Eri a kiss that lasted a little bit longer than I preferred. “Let me know how it goes with Doyoung, ok?”

Eri sighed and let Quinn leave, watching as she closed to door to Jae’s room before turning to me. “I’m so sorry. Quinn gets weird when they’re cranky and tired, ignore that. We’re not going on a date.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you always let Quinn kiss you like that?”

“Uh, what? Well, like...for the most part. Why?”

“Hmm.” My hands gripped tighter around the edge of the counter. Was I actually jealous or was Quinn just annoying me as usual? Eri looked up at me as I spaced out in my thoughts.

“Do you...not like that or something?”

“I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life. Go see Doyoung or whatever too.”

“Johnny, are you jealous?” She asked.

“Why would I be? You got shit to do, it’s fine.”

She cupped my face in her hand and made me look at her even though I didn’t want to.

“I’ll come back if I can, ok? Maybe…” She kissed my neck and trailed the kisses up to my ear. “We can sleep with you inside me again? Like this morning?”

I bit my lip, hating how good that sounded. There was no reason for me to feel all kinds of weird jealousy. I knew I fuckin’ had her in the palm of my hand. “Yeah...yeah, babe. Sounds good.”

She gave me a small bite beneath my jaw. I could feel the mark she was leaving behind already surfacing. I winced for a second before nudging my head away. “I’ll try and be quick okay?”

I just nodded and turned back to my omelet, grabbing a fork to stab into it. Eri went back to my room, probably to gather her discarded halloween outfit. I noticed she was keeping my hoodie on with her skirt and thigh highs instead of all the straps and shit she wore. She didn’t say anything about borrowing it or even about asking to keep it and neither did I. When she got to the door she gave me a little wave and before she left I called out to her.

“Hey, Eri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll go on that date with you.”

Eri’s Pov

I got home and showered so I didn't completely smell like weed, body spray and sex before I went to go see Doyoung. I was so tired and worn out. I felt like my whole damn uterus was about to fall out and i was all kinds of fucked up over Johnny. He was doing shit to me that I never thought was possible. I set my head against the shower wall and sighed, letting the hot water run over me. The scratches he left behind were a little bit deeper than i thought and stung under the spray. I didn't want Doyoung to see any of the marks I had since i was almost 1000% sure he was going to grill me about Johnny. I sighed as i stepped out and dried myself off. I didn't have time to deep condition my hair so it was about to be on the hot mess express and not be ready for work tomorrow. I tied it up in a bun and went to my room to pull on some fresh clothes. I looked over at Johnny's hoodie that remained discarded on my bed and bit my lip as i pulled it close. I hugged it to my chest and nuzzled the hood, taking in the smell of it. It was just like his flannel that day, warm and musky. The cologne was faded and more so smelled like him. It was perfect. Maybe when I went back to see him I would give him the flannel. After I washed it it started smelling like springtime freshness instead of him.

I pulled the hoodie on, realizing I didn't have that much time to spare. I texted Doyoung that I was on my way and left for my car. When i got to his tiny dorm room he yanked me and almost threw me on his bed. “1. What the hell, you haven't talked to me in forever!” I went to reply but he cut me off. “2. What is going on with you, Eri? I'm hearing all this shit about you and I don't even know what's up from down! 3. Did i or did I not say DONT hook up with Johnny?!”

I sighed and flopped on the bed. “Hello to you too, Doyoung.”

“Eri. Start talking.”

I told him almost everything; the hookup at the party, how we have class together, when we fucked in the bathroom, the racist prick at the beach, the bumper car, how gentle Johnny could be and that he had bad things happen to him that he didn't deserve. I didn't go into specifics about Johnny's assault or anxiety attacks; it wasn't my place to do so and I would never betray his trust like that. “He can be an asshole sometimes but he...he has a lot going on.”

“So that justifies his behaviors?”

“Of course not! I'm just saying...he isn't all bad. You cant judge someone for sleeping around when I do the same and you care about me.”

“I know that Eri.” Doyoung sighed and sat beside me. “I worry about you. I heard about a fight at Taeyongs party?”

“It wasn't a fight, but trust me I was ready to take my gauges out and end her. What happened was that this girl, this….monster, she was-” I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “She was just not a good person and I had to help Johnny get away from her.”

“Get away from her? What do you mean?”

“There's things that I can't talk about. They aren't my place to talk about. He trusted me with these things and-and all you need to know is that I would've probably gone to jail for him.”

“Oh my god Eri…”

“What?”

“You're in love with him.”

I shot up from the bed. “KIM DOYOUNG WHAT THE HELL?”

“It makes sense now. The way you guys acted at the beach, when you, unfortunately, described in detail how you guys hooked up, and now you wanting to protect him? And-” he looked at my phone as a notification came in. “Who is Heart-Heart-Big Dick Daddy-Heart-Heart?”

“What?” I looked down and unlocked my phone. When i opened the message it was a picture of Johnny with the edge of my panties between his teeth. The accompanying message was ‘forgot something?😏’. My entire face lit up and i realized Doyoung had seen it to.

“Ya'll are nasty.” He stated flatly.

“I-! It was Quinn! They took my phone because i left it at the party! His name was Johnny in the contacts before!”

“And your underwear in his mouth is-?”

I stood quiet for a moment. “Ok, we know I make bad decisions, it's not rocket science. However, i am not in love with him. I can't. I won't ever be. You know that I can't.”

“Eri, that was literally almost three years ago. It was a mistake but it doesn't automatically prohibit you from ever being capable of falling in love again.”

“It does, Doyoung because I know that I fucked up and i can never take that back. I can't risk hurting anyone again and have it on my conscious. It already haunts me every day.”

“You need to stop letting it eat at you. What happened with Jungwoo could've happened with anyone.”

“Yeah but I picked the sweetest boy in the entire world to hurt. He didn't deserve it. And i don't deserve to have someone like that in my life again.”

Doyoung sighed. “Stop thinking that way. Making a mistake doesn't make you worthless. Besides you need to face the truth if that’s what's going on now. As much as i don't approve of him, you need to come to terms with the fact that you feel something for him. It's written all over your face.”

“It is not! Please stop saying that! It's not true! It's not!” I could feel my heart clench as my breath stuttered in my lungs. The thought of love sent me into a panic. It made me think of how I ran away from it all. The pain, the doubt, the fear. It was hitting me all at once again and attacking me like some sort of monster. I felt Doyoung wrap his arms around me and set my head on his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head.

“Eri, please. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to close yourself shut. You have love for so many people. You have the biggest heart and are always the first to protect us over anything. You have the ability to love wholeheartedly. Why is that so scary?”

“I'm not worth it...and i know you're going to tell me I am but i'm not. Before Jungwoo, my ex in high school who I spent years together with lied to my face about loving me. She said she never did the whole time we were together, Then i get to college, meet Jungwoo and became no better than her.”

“That's not true. You did love him you just…” he sighed. “I don't know how else to make you see that you deserve to be happy. Do you really care about Johnny?”

I sniffled and nodded my head silently.

“And he trusted you to reveal of whatever happened to him. He let you seem him in a state of vulnerability, right?”

I nodded again.

“Well i'm glad he has some fucking semblance of humanity and isn't just a regular fuck boy.” Doyoung kissed the top of my head. “I want you to know that I'll protect you too, ok? If he ever so much as hurts you then he'll be dead. Also if he does care about you then i don't want you to be afraid anymore. You have to face it some day and it may be sooner than you think.”

I buried my face in his chest as the beginning tears started falling. Fuck, if he wasn't right. I was still running away from things that I hadn't been able to get over. If this went any farther with Johnny would I end up hurting him too? He was the last person that deserved any more hurt. I wanted to see him smile more, dance more, sing more, have fun cooking and goofing off. I wanted us to share thousands of kisses and feel the way his heart beat beneath my fingers when I curled up against him. I wanted to be the one to support him and bring that smile to his face. I couldn't cure his depression or anxiety but I wanted to be maybe the tiniest glimmer of hope he had in knowing that he wasn't alone. We were two imperfect asteroids and when we collided sparks flew within our little galaxy and made waves of colors that represented our feelings for one another. What feelings were we even having anyway? Was it all one sided? That was another fear I couldn't face just yet. What if all this time, as i was tearing my wall down to let him in, he never felt anything at all for me. I could still probably be some hook up to him, something meaningless and unworthy as usual.

I couldn't help that I was crying harder and Doyoung didn't question any of it. He let me have my time knowing that this ate me alive and destroyed me. It was my biggest weakness and regret all compiled into one and spread like weeds to anything new I tried to let into my life. Worst of all, in the pit of my heart I knew that he was absolutely right. I was falling in love with Johnny.

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