#and Star Wars has too many babysitter plots

[smilesrobotlover]

ok I have a question. Your brain seems to have a lot in common with mine. We clearly think about Zelda too much. In particular, we both seem obsessed with Twilight Princess side characters. And some recent posts have made it clear you love Star Wars to a degree too.

this is an idea I had a while ago but am not confident enough to draw— the Resistance, but the Bad Batch. Link as Echo, Rusl as Hunter, Ashei as Crosshair, Shad as Tech, maybe Telma as Wrecker (and Louise is her Lula), and maybe Zelda as Omega. no worries if you don’t take requests. But these thoughts live rent free in my head and it would look so good in your style

Oooh yes it’s a fun idea! I do not take requests and I hold a lot of resentment towards the bad batch unfortunately (I still haven’t seen season 2 but that’s mostly cuz I don’t have the motivation to watch it BDKSBSK) but I love teams like that <333

[ohitsjustsage]

name: Sage Rivera gender & pronouns: demigirl / she/they age & date of birth: 21, October 31st, 2001 where do they live: apartment on the eastside likes: horror everything (comics, movies, shows, books, games), comic books, star wars, learning new things, in depth discussions, talking about things she loves, movies, film, vintage clothes, graphic tees, video games, skateboards dislikes: allergies, being wrong, swimming, water, bedtimes, waking up early, cooking, money, bullies, scarves, being left out, being ignored, essay style tests

(see stats for more details)

diving deeper -

BACKGROUND:

Sage was born to Joseph and Amelia Rivera. Her father came from immigrant parents who came to America to provide a better life for their son. He took the opportunity they gave him and ended up being a very successful lawyer. Her mother, Amelia, is successful in her own right as one of the top data engineers in the country. Having both these strong role models as parents set out high expectations for Sage. It also made it hard to have a close relationship with them as they were almost always incredibly busy. They tried, Sage knew that, but she spent a lot of time with babysitters, nannies, and eventually alone because they were at work or events.

That time on her own is what sparked her research into many things and affinity for learning new skills along with anything and everything she could know about her current obsession. It all started when she watched a rerun episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She got fixated on the show, quickly binging every episode of a show definitely not appropriate for her young age of eleven. However, there wasn’t anyone around to stop her. Later this led to an obsession with horror and the supernatural. Many nights were spent on message boards, in chat rooms, and searching for a new movie, show, video game, or comic instead of going out to parties. Not that she was invited to them anyways.

Being alone didn’t bother her too much. Her online interactions and connection to fictional characters made her feel like she always had someone there with her. She found social time at her weekly dungeons and dragons game, along with her many trips to the local comic book store or movie theater. Besides, she was always quick to talk about anything and everything she was into whenever she was presented the opportunity. In fact, she often couldn’t help but offer her opinion on the matter. This likely stemmed from constantly adding her opinion to discussions online. Whether it was true crime unsolved cases, working with others to solve a case or coming up with theories on a comic, movie, or video game’s plot holes, she was part of it.

It wasn’t beyond her that most people didn’t want to hear about how the Halloween movies and Us might be tethered in the same universe or the way all the American Horror Story seasons are connected to the apocalypse. Nor her thoughts on paranormal events, the possibility aliens exist, or the underlying message of the Star Wars movies. But, she also couldn’t see why people were interested in what the Kardashians were doing or what a celebrity wore to the Met Gala. She hasn’t meant to throw shade on other people’s interests but sometimes it feels warranted when they act like hers don’t matter. Now that it seems like a real life slasher situation has come to Riverwood, maybe people will finally listen to what she has been saying all along. After all, she was the expert on how to survive a horror movie.

HEADCANONS: 

Sage’s first tattoo when she turned eighteen was of the famous depiction of Michael Myers’ reflection in the blade of his knife from the original Halloween movie. He is her favorite slasher killer.

There are a lot of comics out there, Sage tends to go for the horror comics (of course) but also loves the independent comics like Maus or Scott Pilgrim. Coincidentally the first comic she ever picked up was an issue of Archie on a grocery store trip she’d gone on with one of her babysitters. It’s still a nostalgic favorite of hers despite moving on to other genres. To date she’s read thousands of comics and watched hundreds of movies, at this point she’s lost count.

Due to her obsessions she really lost out on a lot of social life milestones, making it hard for her to carry on regular conversation and awkward in almost all social situations but especially potential romantic encounters. Sage doesn’t understand why it’s weird to talk about the things she loves and spent the majority of her time on the planet obsessing about. People obsess about sports and celebrities, how are movies and comics any different? However this doesn’t stop her from joining in on the conversation whenever she sees the chance.

Shego was Sage’s sexual awakening. Her very first crush. From the moment she first saw her on Kim Possible. Later there would be more crushes like these, like Michelle Trachtenberg from Buffy or one of the many final girls from the horror movies she grew to love so much. Even some of the detective shows. The lack of male crushes, confirmed she was more than likely a lesbian but she doesn’t like to label things so definitively.

[fatiguing-thoughts]

Taking Care of Drunk S/O - Pack Preference

Request: “ How do you think the pack would react and take care of their drunken S/O?”

A/N: I think it’s important to say here that while I’m going to be keeping it on the light-hearted side in this, that they’d obviously be concerned if their s/o was too drunk. I just felt that I should make that disclaimer. this is the good, fun tipsy drunk kinda wave

Jacob:

You’re the sleepy, mumbly drunk. He knows that when you get drunk, it’s only a matter of time before you begin that he’s going to have to take you home and help you into bed. He loves you hear you mumble and ramble about nonsense the entire car ride home. He thinks it’s cute when you talk about him, too.

“Psst, can I tell you a secret?” I mumble, eyes closed and my head leaning against the car window. 

“Of course.” 

“Jacob’s really handsome.” I giggle. 

“Oh is he?” 

“Yeah, but don’t tell him.” I giggle once again, almost falling asleep.

“Your secret’s safe with me.” His chuckles echo throughout the car. 

Leah:

Leah turns into babysitter mode. She finds your drunk state to be quite funny, as you always try to wrestle Jacob. Other than that, you’re always dancing around, enjoying yourself. She finds your dancing attempts quite amusing. 

“Easy there, you’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep dancing like that.” She laughs. 

“Dancing like what?” 

“Like you’re Eileen from Seinfeld.” 

“Leah!” A gasp leaves your lips, wondering how horribly you’ve been dancing. 

“You’re gonna hurt yourself or someone else, sit down, babe.” She laughs, gently leading you to sit down. 

Seth:

Seth always tries to make sure that you’re taken care of, as you’re a bit needy when you’re drunk. He keeps a bottle of water with you and knows that you’ll be getting super hungry soon. He prepares for it when he knows that you’ll be drinking. He know’s he’s gotta have access to food for you at some point in the night so he either packs some of your favorite snacks to bring for you or knows he’ll be making a pit stop for food on the way home. 

Embry

Embry’s always trying to keep up with you. Drunk you is always running around, getting lost, and then looking for Embry everywhere. He’s so used to the fact that he knows you’ll end up running somewhere else at every party, but knows you won’t remember where he is, so he just eventually has to listen for the constant echoing of your voice asking everyone “Where’s Embry? I need Embry!” as you giggle, walking around the party. One year for Christmas he gets you one of those animal backpacks with leashes for children. While everyone thought it was a joke at first, you actually use it more than you think at parties. At first he was always scared when you wandered off, but when he realized you’re fine and will do it all the time, he found it really funny how you looked for him, always in the wrong places or a step behind him. 

Quil:

Quil’s an intelligent guy and he knows drunk you is a mumbly mess of nonsense. He loves to pick your brain and ask you trivia questions to see what you’ll come up with in your drunk state. He finds the nonsense you spew absolutely hysterical. 

“(Y/N), what’s the plot of Star Wars?” 

“Quil, there’s too many clouds, I can’t even see the stars. Plus we’re in the basement! There’s no stars down here, silly.” You giggle, leaning into his arm.

Anything of the sort is absolutely hysterical to him. He loves when you talk about absolutely nothing relevant to what he asked. 

Paul:

Let’s face it, sober you can have a difficult time keeping your hands to yourself. Drunk you is always trying to touch up on Paul. You get super clingy, which he doesn’t mind, but your hands wander a bit too much. He often has to tell you to calm down and that it’s almost time to sleep it off. 

“(Y/N), stop it.” He chuckles, gently removing your hands from his abdomen. 

“Pauuuul.” You whine, pouting. 

“You signed that opportunity away the moment you started drinking, sorry babe.” He chuckles, placing your hands at your sides. 

Jared:

Let’s face it, Jared’s an absolute clown. As long as you’re safe and okay, he’s going to be having a good time while taking care of you. He teases you a lot, having too much fun with your drunk state. He loves to make you laugh, making sure that you’re having a fun and safe time. You’re a clumsy and giggly drunk and he just finds it hysterical.

“(Y/N), watch out for that puddle!” He points at your feet.

You gasp, stumbling trying to catch yourself from stepping in the puddle.

He laughs, steadying you. You suddenly remember you’re in the house, there was no puddle. 

“You’re a jerk!” You slur, laughing, swatting at him. 

“I’m your jerk.” He presses a kiss to your temple. 

He just laughs, holding you up. He gets the water and aspirin ready for your hangover tomorrow. 

Sam:

Sam is the dad friend™ so it’s no surprise that when you’re drunk and trying to do some stupid shit that he jumps in and stops you. Sam turns into his babysitter mode. He has to stop you from trying to do stupid stuff all the time. 

“No you can’t do that.” He shakes his head, pulling you into his side. 

“Why not?” 

“Because jumping from the roof onto the trampoline is a horrible idea when you’re sober, forget about when you’re drunk. You’ll either get hurt or throw up, and you know Quil can’t handle throw up.” He laughs.

“Ugh...” You complain.

“You’ll thank me tomorrow, babe.” 

[alicemitch09writes]

the babysitter

pairing: reader x peter parker

summary: Babysitting the little Stark is an adventure, of some sorts. Well, being a (adopted) Stark is an adventure in itself. However, nobody told Peter Parker about the Stark babysitter.

author’s notes: I love Morgan Stark. I would die for her. Kill for her. MURDER even, just to keep her safe. Also, I love how easy we can just make her and Peter come together because they’re Stark’s kids (one biological, one is a sort of surrogate). Also, this idea is a common trope but eh, what’s not to love about it? Had to tweak it a bit by making reader two years older. And yay, I finally got to finish this before its initial release date (which is on Valentine's haha sorry yes am cliche like that sue me).

also available on ao3.

disclaimer: i own NOTHING but the plot.

"Ah, shit."

"Shit!"

You froze, quickly turning on your heel to find a mass of brown hair and big brown doe-like eyes, filled with innocence and mischief all at once.

"Morgan! What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," she replied easily, tilting her head to the side. "Mommy said she has something to say to you."

"Oh, really now?" releasing a breath - not really shaky but something sort of relief, frustration, and a little bit of nervousness, you kneel to her level, tucking strands of hair behind her ear. "How long have you been looking for me?"

"A few minutes. Maybe 30."

With a smile, you get up. "Well, best not keep her waiting!"

Morgan giggles, seeing through you. She was always too sharp for her age.

You smile with her, a painful tug at your heart when you see the twinkle in her eye - an all too familiar twinkle.

Swallowing the dread, you plaster a quick smile and get to your feet. "Come on now, munchkin!"

She willingly lets you take her in your arms, walking along the compound down to Mrs. Stark's office.

Your relationship with the infamous CEO of Stark Industries was that you’re her cousin's daughter, making her your aunt-in-law. And in the absence of said cousin - your father, as he lived far off or on the other side of the planet, and after some unfortunate events, you were under Pepper's care. 

Well, at least for the last 8 years of your life.

And since then, you could always remember how uptight, stern, and organized she was. It came with her job apparently. As was being stressed 24/7 because she had been dealing with the one and only Iron Man, Tony Stark.

Pepper had a great way of dealing with things, keeping some things to a T, and to keep a cool head with it all. Also, she was adamant about keeping you from Tony, away from the epitome of a machine of a man that he was. Oh, many were the nights where you were a witness to just how frustrating the man was, to how much Pepper had to keep herself from breaking down. You were not very fond of him – to say the least, you kinda hated him.

But upon meeting the man, later on, you found that he wasn't all that bad. In fact, he reminded you a lot of your father - workaholic to an extreme, and a bit of a softie. Just big on his ego.

As an added bonus, he completely won you over for being the guy for Pepper after deciding that you weren’t some runt after all.

After the events of Ultron, Tony decided to take you in and take you as if you were his own, treating you like his little assistant. (As he wasn't comfortable with having kids just yet.) You were pretty young, Pepper had that argument too and was fairly backed by Happy, but Tony was all, ‘then best start them young!’ and all went his way, one way or another. You were a smart cookie, at least that’s what Tony said, Pepper added that, and Rhodey – who still didn’t want to force something on to someone so young. And thus, your life with the Stark-Potts couple would never be the same - for better or for worse.

After the Accords, however, things were different. Much different. Both Tony and Pepper were never the same even way before that, but the former looked like a hollow of a man he once was.

As much as Pepper had more rights over you, she didn't want to be unfair and cut you off from Tony completely, and thus, let you do as you please. Honestly, it hurt having to go back and forth between the two, seeing two of the strongest people in your life thread on thin ice. Try as you might, you even attempted to get the two together only to end up with nothing. Happy was there, at least, to make you sane and moving. Rhodey, who still scares you, keeps you in check and on your toes.

However, things managed.

Then a lot of things happened: Tony and Pepper finally patched things up, finally got married - you were Pepper's maid of honor, you were whisked to some Ivy League thanks to Pepper and Tony’s recommendations, Tony suddenly was whisked away to the stars to save the universe, some war FRIDAY relayed in Wakanda, and then half the population turning to dust. A week later, Tony came back - with new friends from different galaxies, you all moved far away – far away from the Avengers, Tony insisted you to help Pepper to keep you busy, Morgan was born, you finished university, and were working on a master’s degree.

And then...Tony-

God, just the thought of him - what he did - still chokes you up. It hurt to hear from Pepper what had happened, to see her – the strongest iron lady you know and love – break into a million pieces, crumbling to the ground and disregarding every rule about grace and poise. Tony. He was like a father to you, the best and worst one you could ever ask for.

After his passing, you made it a point to keep his legacy alive, to ensure that it was protected at all cost - Morgan. 

You loved the littlest Stark with all your heart, like the little sister you wished you had. Ever since she was born, already, you vowed to keep her from anything.

She was Tony's legacy.

Well, one of many...

There was that kid from Tennessee, Harley Keener, whom you had the chance and pleasure to be acquainted with.

And then there was-

"Who're you?" a voice asked behind you, breathlessly, curiously.

Turning on your heel, you found a guy - brown hair, pale skin, average height, fit in build, looked like he was around your age - walking in, looking like he had run a marathon.

Scrunching your nose, not really like the way he was trying to piece who you were, you fixed him a questioning look. "I'm-"

"(NAME)!" a bubbly voice called behind you, causing the two of you to turn.

Eyes widening, they then relax, you then sagged in relief and all but ran towards the little girl, taking her in your arms.

"There you are! Where've you been, you?" you ask, tucking strands of hair away from her face.

Giggling mirthlessly, eyes twinkling with mischief, she replied. "Nowhere~"

You rolled your eyes at that, playfully. Her grin grows, eyes crinkling when her lips lift, exposing dimples.

Looking over your shoulder, you nearly forgot the guy behind you, hoisting Morgan up.

"Oh, I'm (Name)," you tell him. "but I think you got that already."

The younger teen looks from the brunette in your arms to you, the cogs in his head whirring. "Are you...?"

"Nope, I'm just a babysitter." Quick to dismiss his question, you shake your head lightly. "An on call at that."

"Ah," was the only thing he could say, not sure what to say next.

"Peter!" the girl in your arms says, a smile still in check.

"Morgan, hey." he walks up, about two feet away.

It was your turn to look between him and the brunette in your arms, fixing an inquisitive look as to the cogs in your head begin to turn - two and two adding up. You did hear things from Pepper, Happy, and Tony. 

Like a light bulb moment, you pointed at him. "You're the Spider-Man, aren't you?"

First, he sputters, face morphing into a look of surprise, shock, and embarrassment which ends with his face flushing to the tips of his ears.

Little did he know that you knew long before his cover had been blown.

"Don't worry. Happy's not really that good at keeping a secret." You assure him. At that, Morgan chuckles. You chuckle with her, sharing a knowing look as you bump your noses together. "Well, more like, he's slipping."

"Or getting old!" Morgan chirps.

You share a laugh, again. This time, Peter joins in.

"Anyway, is there something or anything you needed?" you asked, remembering his sudden appearance, adjusting your hold on Morgan, who now was resting her head on the crook of your neck.

"Oh...I, uh, I was just..." he fumbles, fidgeting with his fingers as you stand there, patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence. "...um, I was told to come over...?"

Puzzled, your brows narrowed together. "By who?"

"Me." A voice booms, you all turn, staring at a dark-skinned man donning familiar colors. A taller man stands by him, almost like a shadow.

In the years under Tony and Pepper’s tutelage, months spent and having unlimited access to nearly everything that is related to the Avengers, you found yourself in contact with the new Captain America and his trusty companion, the Winter Soldier.

At first, it was quite intimidating. They were intimidating. But soon, you found yourself warming up to them. They were like brothers, you adored them so much.

Suddenly, the room felt like there was purpose as the two men strode in, and you felt even smaller in their presence.

Just as you motioned to leave, Morgan pipes up, “Sam! Bucky!”

Over time, Peter became a familiar face in the compound.

Aside from helping clean up the mess that Quentin Beck and his lackeys did to the poor boy, he was also heralding in for his part with the new Avengers - Sam Wilson, now bestowed with the mantle of Captain America, with the infamous Winter Soldier, Sgt. James Barnes, as his right hand, much to the displeasure of many governments.

Then again, who were they to decide what's best for this world when they knew nothing of the battles these brave men fought for? Who were they to decide who carries the mantle? It's not theirs, government-issued or not.

Also, in the past years of their hiding, and fighting off Zeemo, they've proven themselves countless times and earned the hearts of many. Whether they like it or not, they were the best choice to serve and defend the innocent.

For Peter Parker, physically 18 years old, filling in his spot for the team was huge.

He was in leagues with a whole bunch of other heroes – Hulk, Dr. Bruce Banner; War Machine, James Rhodes; Scarlet Witch, Wanda Maximoff; Dr. Strange, Dr. Stephen Strange; Ant-Man, Scott Lang; Wasp, Hope Van Dymme; and off the grid were the Asgardians of the Galaxy, and Carvol Danvers, Captain Marvel. Just to name a few. Sure enough, there would be more heroes coming in, it’s only a matter of time after all.

It was a big world - universe, rather.

Eventually, the kid also grew on you, for many reasons. But in those many reasons, it also felt kind of weird - you werethree years older than him. Physically speaking.

He would have been 23, just three years older than you, had he not been snapped away. Or blipped away. 

Yawning, you leaned back, stretching your arms overhead. Peeking back at your laptop, to your dismay you found that was still 10 in the morning, there was still a lot of work to do!

Groaning, you made sure to drag on said groan as you massaged the back of your neck. There were a bunch of emails to check, some invitations to decline, and one Thaddeus Ross to bitch about-

“Coffee?”

At the sound of the voice, you looked up and were met with soft brown eyes belonging to one Peter Parker.

“Peter, hey!” reaching for the cup, you wrap both hands around it, relishing in its rich aroma. “You’re a sight for sore eyes,” Having to face your laptop for hours' end, glancing up just barely with how slow your morning was, it really was. Taking a sip, you let the beverage warm your system and kick in, shoulders sagging. “and a savior.”

The corners of his mouth lift, eyes shining a bit, awkwardly shifting foot to foot. “W-Well, I know how much you work. And how much you love your coffee" he does, strangely enough, to note that you loved it black in the wee hours of the day with a bit of cocoa nibs.

"That I do, Petey, that I do."

He watches you take another sip, your eyes momentarily meeting your laptop screen before looking away quickly - nope! Here's your coffee break, take it.

"I see, uh, that you've been busy."

Sighing, you lean against your seat. "Kinda. Sorta. But, yes."

A little while after you first met, you made sure to properly introduce yourself to the lad, keeping in mind that he was an Avenger and that he'd see more of you now that you worked for Stark Industries, and the Avengers.

"Even though you should be…” he glanced away, words failing him.

“I should be…?” you picked up on the end tail of his sentence.

Gulping, his gaze suddenly drops, looking around helplessly. You sat there, worried, taking sips time to time.

It might be his sixth sense – aptly dubbed as his Spider-senses, but he seemed to know exactly how much you loved your coffee. That, or he was really observant.

“Peter, are you okay- “

“Writing!” he suddenly bursts out. “You like writing, right?”

His eyes land on the books on the side of your desk, and a framed article you had written years back for TIME magazine.

Following his gaze, causing you to turn in your seat, you can’t help the soft expression on your face. “Ah, that.”

Using the heel of your foot, rolling forward, you reached for the frame then rested your still warm drink between your thighs fingers smoothing the corners. “Funny story, Tony made me write it. Pepper gave me the idea.” The article was basically about questioning Thaddeus Ross and the Accords and if it was really pro-government and pro-hero at the same time. “Mind you, at the time, things had just been rocky with the whole mess of the Avengers, Tony and Pepper were not in good term. Writing this had been the closest I got them to speak again, because of how I had written it and its effects.” Memories of Pepper giving snide remarks at people who talked shit to you, rebutting gracefully, and Tony, wisecracking any troll who messed with you online. Those were fun times. Messy, but fun times. As you spoke, Peter quieted down, eyes never leaving you as you spoke. Looking at the article one last time, you set it back on your desk before picking your drink and taking a sip. “So, yeah. I do. Love writing, I mean. “

“And haven’t you thought of doing that instead?”

Noting his implication with a hum, you continued. “Instead of handling hero-related antics, right?”

Instantly, his face flushed, expression mixing up as he jumbled on his words. “N-Not that what you’re doing is wrong or anything! I-It’s just…you can-“

“Relax Peter!” You laugh, hand raised to calm him. “I know what you mean. It’s just that,” pushing yourself back, you swayed a bit in your seat “this is my job now, something I’ve been doing for a while and one I enjoy. Stressful as it is, it’s still fun. At the very least, I’m still writing. Plus, I get to be with you guys! So, that works, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” breathing returning to normal, he nods, replying breathlessly. “yeah, yeah, yeah. T-That’s true.”

Tilting your head, seeing that he wasn’t fully satisfied with your answer, you humor him. “Given the chance, I would’vebeen in the writing field. Who knows? Writing as some underground slob, some hermit, or rise amongst the ranks of those high-profiled writers, or for TIME...”

Smiling wistfully, you were just about to take a sip again when it dawned to you. “Oh, what are you doing here, anyway? Do you have a meeting with Pepper?”

“Miss Potts- oh. Oh, no!”

“Did you wanna see Morgan then?”

“No, no!” he was getting more panicked, which was worrying. Putting down your coffee, you brought both hands to your desk and pulled yourself in, the desk separating you and Peter. He was muttering something under his breath, something you didn’t catch.

“Petey?” ducking your head, for a closer look at him, getting a closer inspection of how hazel brown his eyes actually are.

“U-Uh…” he gulps under your gaze. "...um..."

“Hey, (Name), I need your help with someth-“a new voice pipes in.

The two of you turn, (E/c) eyes widen at the new visitor, instantly, you were on your feet and running towards him.

“Harley!” engulfing him in a hug, you laugh mirthlessly at his presence. “Oh, my god you’re here! How are you? What are you doing here?”

Dang, you forgot just how tall he was!

“Uh, I’m supposed to work on my grant with Miss Potts,” he says, almost carefully staring from you to the lad behind him.

“Ah, yes,” you nodded, snapping a finger and pointing at him in realization. “that was today. Unfortunately, Pepper’s busy with something. Fortunately,” you tilted to your side, hands clasped in front of you then pointing index fingers at him. “Ican lend you a hand.”

Harley smiles at this, especially at your dorky dramatics, you grin back toothily.

Then you remembered that you weren’t alone.

“Oh! Where are my manners? Peter, this is Harley Keener, one of Tony’s boys.”

“You make it sound like I'm a booty call.” Harley grumbled beside you, making you snort and elbow him playfully.

“Well, Tony has a way of calling people and it rubs off pretty easily when you’re around him a lot.”

The taller lad rolls his eyes – playfully, used to your language and overall attitude as a reminiscent of one Tony Stark. Peter, who was still standing there, looks dumbfounded between the two of you, unsure what to do before you called on him.

“Sorry Peter, but I have to attend to Harley. Guess I’ll see you around?”

“U-Uh, sure…yeah.”

Hooking your arm around Harley’s you both walked out, but not before grabbing your still warm coffee from your desk. “Thanks again for this, Petey, bye!”

“He seems nice,” Harley comments, once the two of you get to the elevator.

“Yeah, he is.” You nod, sipping your coffee. “Now tell me, any updates on that crush of yours?”

At this, Harley’s face burns as the elevator doors open.

As Pepper’s assistant, you were basically tasked to help make Pepper’s job easier. As PR, at the same time, you were tasked with dealing with the Avengers’ publicity and ensuring that they look good and handling whatever the media throws their way. Because you were practically raised by Pepper, and the one and only Tony Stark/Iron Man, schooling the media was child’s play to you. Plus, it was really fun dealing with famous people who weren’t super-powered.

Still, as much as you enjoyed your job, you especially loved the quirks that came with it. One of the obvious being that you get to hang with the Avengers. Half of them – who were Tony’s faction during the Civil War bullshit, you grew up with, and the rest just grew on you later.

It was a Friday when you found yourself swinging by the training grounds, looking for Bucky or Wanda with a bag of cheeseburgers to share with and some papers. However, the floor seemed to be empty. Just as you were about to call for F.R.I.D.A.Y. (the AI), you found yourself slipping on some liquid, falling backward with your arms flailing in the air, smacking a nearby tray holding a pitcher and glass.

Faster than you could react, a blur was by your side, a firm grip on your shoulder, and with his free hand, easily caught the tray, the pitcher, the glass, and its contents. All before you could even blink.

“W-Woah…” you breathed, feeling your heart beating wildly against your chest. That could’ve been one nasty accident where you could’ve been wet, hurt, or both!

“(N-Name)! Are you alright?” asked your savior, making you blink at him.

It was Peter.

“Peter…” you said, almost to yourself.

Effortlessly, he set the tray aside, his hand still on around your shoulder, making you feel his strong arm around you.

“I-I’m sorry about that, must’ve tried to do some physics trick but ended up failing and all…” he replied, looking at the water on the ground.

“Ah,” you responded, getting the idea. Surprisingly, with a crinkling sound, you were still gripping unto the cheeseburgers and the papers- no, wait, they’re gone.

Turning your head around, you searched for those papers – which probably should be on the ground from the way you threw them up from the slip.

“Here,” Peter suddenly appears in front of you. Upside down.

“Woah, this is cool,” you remarked all wide-eyed, taking the papers from him, watching him bend over the ceiling to drop to the ground. “Seeing your abilities up close and personal.”

“I-I have other abilities, too!”

“Yeah, I know. You have superhuman strength, enhanced agility, and a super brain.” You list off, heading to the counter to drop the cheeseburgers and papers Pepper assigned you to send around. "No, wait, Happy mentioned it was something else..." scrunching your face, you ransacked your brain for it. "Er, what was it...oh! Peter tingle, right?"

He nearly tripped on his feet but caught himself instantly. "Spider senses! It's called 'Spider Senses'!"

"Ah, is that what it's called?"

That makes Peter sigh, almost frustratingly – like he was to throw a tantrum then and there. He really is a child, you thought.

“I’m teasing you, Pete.” You laugh, leaning against the counter, watching him seemingly deflate, ears slightly red. “But, if you don’t mind me asking," folding your arms behind you, you carefully approach him "can you just break it down to me just how your Spider Senses work?”

Caught off guard by your question, Peter puffs his cheeks. “Um, err…” he shuffles, scratching the back of his neck as words fail him.

Circling, you hop on the counter behind you, patiently waiting on him.

Seeing just how genuinely interested you seemed to be with his powers, it excited him a bit. You weren’t being pushy about it either. In fact, he’s seen you quite a handful of times, and you were always sure to be nice and welcoming, treating him Peter first, Spider-Man second. There were only about a few people who were genuinely interested in how his abilities worked really, one of them was Ned, then there was Mr. Stark, then there was Sam, and then Bucky. And then, you.

“So, um…I’ve got these senses.” You nod encouragingly. “And, uh, they help me be keenly aware of my surroundings and help me react.”

“Meaning, you have times ten the reflexes?”

“…kinda?”

Recalling the almost incident earlier, it was amazing to know just how quick he responded before the inevitable. “That’s cool. I didn’t know spiders could do that.”

“Y-Yeah…” he could only reply, noting how pleased you were with his explanation, how your beating calmed him-

“If this were a comic book, then what you have would probably be the most overpowered ability of all. Still, thanks for telling and trusting me.”

Clearing his throat, he slowly approached you. “So, uh, what brings you here?”

“What, I can’t be here?”

“N-No- th-that’s not-“

Really, he was so cute with the stuttering and all.

“Are you always this awkward around people? Or just girls?”

You really reminded him of Tony Stark with your charm and quips.

“You’re kinda difficult to approach, I guess?”

“Oh, so, I’m a science problem now?”

Peter’s mouth gaped at that, at a loss what to say next. Which in turn, caused you to laugh, head pulled back.

“You’re cute, Peter Parker.” Hopping off the counter, you reached out to pinch his cheek before turning back to fetch the paper bags. “I brought burgers for Bucky and Wanda, sadly, they’re not here, wanna eat them?”

Ever since the spider bite, life for Peter Parker was never the same. And it was probably a given to those who wielded great power, and now, he was one of them.

However, he would never imagine that because of that very spider bite, he’d be in leagues with people he’s admired for a while – the Avengers.

His life would forever change the moment Tony Stark sat in his apartment living room, chatting casually with his aunt, interrogated, and basically recruited him to his faction. Unofficially, that had marked his joining the Avengers.

But it was the Battle with Thanos months later that he was officially an Avenger, which later resulted in him dusting away for five years, then he came back for another fight for his life and the universe, they won but at the cost of Earth’s mightiest heroes. Months following after that were spent in constant fear and mourning that he tried to fight with his teenage life.

Funny thing was, just when he thought life was going his way, there’d always be something to nope him out of it. Mysterio, for one, hijacking his Europe trip and revealing his identity to the world.

For a while, his life was sure to spiral out of control and he’d be torn from his life. Nope.

Because he was an Avenger, not only was he backed by his colleagues, the government – what good half of it anyway, S.H I.E.L.D. and good civilians who were recipients of the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man’s kindness, the fear of his civilian life was protected and secured.

He just never expected that with becoming an Avenger, he’d have the chance to go places, experience new and exciting things, still be himself whilst growing up-

"Alright, little munchkin, open up!"

-and then there was meeting you, (Y/N) (L/N).

By blood, you were Pepper Potts-Stark’s niece-in-law, but by paper, you were practically her daughter/sister, more so as her trusty assistant.

Physically, you were three years his senior. Had the Snap not happened; however, he’d have been three years older than you. Still, he towers over you despite being the ‘littlest guy’ – as Sam would put it.

Using his heightened hearing, he followed after until the voices were closer, and he was standing by the doorway to the kitchen where you were.

You weren’t alone though. No, sitting by the counter, happily watching and smiling at you was little Morgan Stark.

It's a first for him to see you like this - in more casual, comfortable clothes, especially in shorts where he can see your legs. He had to pull himself out of it as he remembered that Morgan was there, singing some song as you sang with her.

It was a Disney song, he realized, from that one movie.

While the two of you were having a mini-concert, the smell of something being cooked filled the kitchen.

“Pasta,” he thought to himself, aloud.

“Peter!” the littlest Stark called from the counter, struggling to hop down, before you helped her down, tiny legs barreling towards him.

Anticipating her approach, he knelt to catch her in his arms, twirling as he entered the kitchen – the smell growing stronger.

“H-Hey, (Y/N),” he says to you, standing straighter.

Offering a smile, you turned back to check on the pasta sauce you were making. “Hey Peter,”

Unsure of what to say next, he lets Morgan play with his hair before coming up with a reply. “F-Fancy seeing you here,” he said lamely.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Realizing his mistake, he nearly drops Morgan, sputtering words. “T-That’s not- No! U-Um,” you were calmly stirring the pot, body turned to him, letting him know that you were listening. “I-I…It’s just, I’m not used to seeing you so casual…I guess?”

“Ah,”

Seriously, why was he so lame?

“It’s my day-off.” You say simply, switching the fire off. “And I make sure to use up my time keeping sane with the help of the world’s most adorable little girl, isn’t that right, Morgan?”

"Working too much is evil!"

"Sometimes I wonder where and how you learn these things," you mumble laughingly, head shaking. "must be a Stark thing."

He laughs with you in agreement. Morgan was scaringly too smart for her own good, clearly from her Stark genes.

"Most definitely a Stark thing," he agrees with you, laughing, eyes glued on your form as you hunt around the kitchen for something. "Need some help?"

"Ah, yeah." Pointing at the pot of sauce, you say. "Can you be a dear and bring that to that table over there?" with the same hand, you bring it back to the small dining table behind you, where plates and utensils sat. "Oh, and be sure to use mittens," you add, producing two kitschy kitchen mittens - one that was an embroidered goldfish, of some sort. "I'm not sure just how strong you are, but you can't be that strong against heat against metal."

"Ha ha, a science joke, I see." he says, taking the handle with both hands.

"It's not rocket science, silly." Holding a bowl full of pasta, you hastily grab a pair of tongs, before the two of you were walking towards the dining room. "Okay, there we go. Oh, just put it right here, Petey." you point at the empty coaster next to the pasta bowl, where he carefully lays it down. "Great, thanks!"

Hands on your hips, you admire your work, clasping both hands together before rubbing. "Okay, lunch is set! Now, where's my little Morgan?"

It was almost too cliché and overused at this point, but nobody that deny that charity galas were almost always a selling point to earn the trust of the most esteemed, high-profile, and probably the snootiest people in the world- all of which, were Tony's words that he had told you years back.

You hated these kinds of events, but again, they sold off to the rich and the famous. And they were a great way to rub elbows with just about anybody.

Never leaving Pepper's side, the both of you welcomed in guests after guests, receiving warm regards from ambassadors, warding off leering looks from power-hungry businessmen, laughing with nobles and socialites, and being graced by esteemed guests. Honestly, you had to give it to Tony and Pepper for bearing with these lot, just being in the same room with them and inhaling their pricey perfumes made you feel ten times older.

When all was said and done, you rushed towards where the Avengers were - all of which were dressed to the nines, all looking like literal gods in a sea of mortals.

Laughingly, half of them seem to enjoy the festivities, some looked bored to death (but came for the chance of exposure), some looked uncomfortable, and mostly seem to just enjoy parading themselves.

It was easy to spot Peter Parker among them, being - as Sam put it - the littlest guy because the rest of the women were in heels.

Meeting your gaze, he lifts his hand into a tiny wave. Giggling, you winked and gave him a peace sign, before turning to a waiter offering drinks. Taking a flute from his tray, you were unaware of the boy's eyes locked on you as you clung to Pepper's side, wearing a polite smile that illuminated your face and the dress you were wearing.

It's just...You look pretty in that dress. Like, really pretty. Maybe prettier than usual

Well, you were always pretty to him whatever you wore - may it be office wear, casual wear, even a bean bag, but tonight, that dress made you look mature, exquisite, and divine. The makeup on your face highlighted some of your features quite well - not too much, but enough to really emphasize your cheeks, your lips, your eyes. And your hair was in a simple style but enhanced your look. Overall, again, you looked really pretty.

Too engrossed in his stare, he nearly jumped in place when Shang Chi came into his field of vision, smirking knowingly down at the young boy.

"That's an intense stare you got there, wanna go talk to her?" the newest Avenger asked, golden eyes alight with life.

"U-Uh...?" he sputtered, feeling the blood rush to his face, just as he saw your face light up - if possible, it made the whole place shine brighter - when Morgan ran up to you. Her dress was a poofier and lighter version of yours.

"No worries, little brother," whispered the man, smirk still in place as he watched you nuzzle Morgan's nose with yours. "I'm not telling."

Okay, he felt screwed.

With all the glitz and glamour that filled and surrounded the life of one Tony Stark, it takes a certain amount of temperament and training to turn one so thick-skinned and fluent in the art of socializing from the regular folk to the nouveu riche to the beau-monde. Despite careful years of watching, observing, absorbing, and taking things into action, the results were the same: it was pretty exhausting.

You didn’t know how Tony did it, nor do you want to know. I mean, there were years of alcohol and therapy. Not to mention, his hands just itching to tinker.

Pepper fared in the best way she could. Seriously, she was the personification of the phrase, ‘grace under pressure’.

Well, maybe until she has someone she can finally rip apart.

Having excused yourself from the scene, you desperately needed to be away from all the glitzy fanfare – too much of it might actually render you insane.

You find yourself in what seems to be a lounge area. There were plants, paintings, some comfortable sofas. Music could be heard from the gala nearby, but here it came as a gentle thrum and hum.

“How’s the party going?” someone asked.

You whipped your head around, searching, finding an old man sitting by one of the sofas.

Putting on a smile – tired, but polite, you say. “Well, it’s still going,” he laughs at that. “Starks’ legacy continues to fill the night. Hopefully, it’ll end well for business and pleasure.”

He laughs again, a gentle, hearty laugh. “Well, that’s a relief. And quite the expectation.”

“Well,” you didn’t mean to sigh so heavily, brows raised slightly. “it is what it is.”

Nodding at the older man, you were just about to find a balcony only to stop in your footsteps.

Slowly, very slowly, you looked back to the lone soul sitting by the sofa – sharply dressed, small, frail, but his posture said otherwise, as did his smile.

And his eyes.

Suddenly, you realized why that old man with astoundingly baby blue eyes with a kind smile looked familiar. You were careful in your approach, as to not bring any attention. "Mr. Rogers?"

Familiarity radiated off his features as he took you in, the same familiar smile on his face. "Hi, (Name),"

"Hi..." you said back in awe, unsure what to do, or say.

"Wow, you're so big now." Baby blue eyes take you in, so warm and threatening to swallow you whole. "And you used to be the littlest thing."

Memories flash of a younger you meeting the famed war hero, Tony by your side. His dashingly, boyishly handsome face. Walks around the compound or the park with his gentle hands in yours. Warm hugs after a bad day at school. The sad look in his eyes when he left the compound. Regret, guilt, and sadness during Tony's burial-

"Come sit by me," he invites, patting the spot next to him.

That seemed to snap you back to your current time, forcing your legs to move. One step becomes two, then three, until you were next to him, (e/c) eyes not leaving his now small and frail form. A far cry from the hulking teddy bear of a man you're used to.

Gentle music from the gala filled in the silence, which just dragged on.

Steve smiled, simply smiling by the silence, blissfully knowing your state of confusion by his presence. But he was content, to say the least, to share the silence with you.

This man, Steve Rogers to many, known as Captain America to all, but to you – and a select few, he was more than that.

In spite of what happened – Ultron, Sokovia, their Civil War, Thanos, this man meant a lot to you, had a special place in your heart that rivalled only to Tony Stark.

"You know,” you said slowly. “Pepper never blamed you...after everything that had happened."

Turning to you, his eyes widened slightly. "Did she now?"

You nod, earrings dangling with you. "It was inevitable, ever since Tony was kidnapped and Iron Man happened. Since the moment those two fell in love, and the Avengers came to be." Breaking into a short laugh, you added. “Maybe even before you and I joined in the mix.”

"Did you blame me?" he asked you, suddenly, his baby blue eyes, though faded with age still held so much emotion. 

That question would've been easier to answer then - after months of seeing Pepper and Tony's relationship in turmoil, Pepper in tears, Tony's PTSD, Rhodey's injury, Happy's added stress, the death of the closest thing to a father you'll ever have - but now, all things considered, and with Tony's annoying way of rubbing off you, you knew your answer now.

"No. I don't think I could." You reply, smiling softly at him. "Plus, you remember his speech, right? 'Part of the journey is the end'? Somewhere, deep inside his clusterfuck of a brain, he knew that his death was something he feared very much yet knew would put things into perspective."

"You are Tony's girl alright,"

You scoff, ducking shyly, comforted by his words. "Adopted, maybe."

Lifting your head, it felt like you were young again, meeting Steve Rogers for the first time. Except this time, there was no Tony by your side, but you took comfort in knowing that the phantom comforting chill running down your spine was him.

Steve smiled, one that reached his eyes.

"It's so good to see you again, (Name)."

"Me, too." Eyes misting as you broke into a huge grin, it really felt like you were a kid again.

And it that moment, he couldn't help but feel the same.

"Would you care to indulge this man with a dance?"

"I would love to."

(E/c) eyes wandered about to all the couples that had gathered on the dance floor, humming to the beat of the music – jazz, was it? Maybe something gypsy-like? Do they even allow those kinds of music to be played? Soft jazz, maybe.

The music was gentle, soothing, fitting for the event. It was enough to make your heart settle, after a long, engaging, and rather exciting night.

And It was probably far from over.

From where you stood, the second floor balcony that overlooked the whole area, a rather grand view as though you were some lord. But no, you just needed a breather, to slow down the night that was far from over.

Behind you, someone cleared their throat, rather loudly to catch your attention.

Looking over your shoulder, you find that it was Peter. "Y-You...uh, you look really nice, (Name).”

Lips quirked up, you reply. "Thank you, Peter. This is all Pepper. And, well, Maria." After much thought, fingers smoothing over the fabric of your dress, you added, with a pained smile. "And Morgan. Wanda. Sam. Bucky." You tick their name one by one with your fingers.

"Mr. Wilson and Mr. Barnes?" he was stood next to you now.

"They convinced me to come, after much protest. Morgan picked my dress, really."

"You sound so out of place." His brown eyes search yours. To be at the receiving end of those eyes of his, such big, kind, and warm eyes, made you feel all sorts of funny.

"Oh, trust me, I am. This isn't my scene, y'see, also because I don't really go to these kinds of events. I'm more used to being behind the scenes, working back, or doing my homework while everyone partied." A certain memory roused from the back of your brain, making you chuckle sadly. Having sensed this, thanks to this spider senses, Peter looked up. "Tony," shucks, the mention of his name still hurts. "he would annoy the hell outta me, Pepper, too," she chuckled, almost garbled by the emotions thick in her throat. "but both never forced me if I didn't want to. Sometimes, they'd finish up extra early and bring home junk food to keep me company." Finishing with a sigh, she looked out the dancing couples before her eyes landed on a familiar strawberry blonde woman effortlessly elegant in her own right, ethereal under this light, but ever so heartbreakingly lonely and painful to look at.

Peter followed your gaze, swallowing thickly at that.

"Sorry you had to hear that sob story," you says, in an attempt to lighten the mood, quirking into an easy expression.

Downstairs, the music peaks up, a new song being played.

"Well, to make up for it, do you want to take your mind off it with a dance?"

That made you jump, turning to the younger boy, who was red in the face but had that look of determination in his boyishly handsome face.

You had to chuckle at that, heartily. "Wow, you're good. But okay."

Bucky didn't like it - that little punk was crushing on (Name). Bad.

Thing was, she was pretty oblivious to this. Bucky didn’t like that either. As much as she was Stark's girl, when it comes to things concerning her, it just passed off like the wind. Or maybe water. No, oxygen. Point is, she'd never know unless it was pointed out.

“If you look any harder, the kid’s head might combust.” A voice says next to him, belonging to a familiar blonde – Sharon Carter.

The Winter Soldier made a noise in his throat, eyes cold. "I don't like the way that kid's looking at her,"

"Make you think of Becca, Buck?" Steve asks, humor in his tone.

“Shut up, punk.”

“Well,” Sam appears, elbows on the railing, faint smile quirking his lips. “they are kinda cute.”

Well, fine, they are kinda cute together.

“Good luck trying to tell her that, though.”

But he won’t say it out loud.

[praphit]

F9: What does Absurdity even mean anymore?

Due to COVID, I thought that my last movie theater experience was going to be "Bad Boys For Life". I'm happy to say that if I died today, I would be telling souls in Heaven that "F9" was the last movie I saw on the big screen (I'm sure that films are big talking points in the after life).

There weren't too many people there:

There was a woman coughing in the corner; I barely looked at her. I imagined that COVID was mugging her, and I didn't want to be a witness, and so have COVID come after me next. I'm vaxxed, but still I was thinking of ways to distract COVID, so I could enjoy the film. There was an old couple sitting up front (like REALLY OLD... sitting UP FRONT... Ha! that's awesome). Awesome or not, I was going to point them out if COVID came after me. There were two obese kids sitting a few rows behind me that I could also point out, as well as my friend that I was sitting next to... what?? Look, they would ALL want me to escape, so I could bring my "F9" review to the people!

WHAT??!

Let's not talk about my survival skills, let's talk some Vin & the Fam - that's why we're here!

It took a while for me to remember what was going on:

Dom (Vin), Letty (M. Rod), and their... kid? Oh, right, they have a kid, and they moved on to start a new life together. 

Didn't the real mom die or something?? Idk. You've got the British lady from "GOT" still hanging out with Luda and Tyrese. 

(they so crazy)

"Hobbs and Shaw" are still gone 

(making their own money, cuz bleep family!). 

Brian (Paul Walker's character - rip) is apparently, now everyone's babysitter. So, if anyone in this gang, who could die on any of these missions, ever have kids, they can just send them off to Nanny Brian's. 

There's a dude named Mr. Nobody who sometimes sends the gang on secret spy missions.

Oh, and people in the gang keep coming back from the dead. Boom! We're caught up with this absurdity. That's actually what I asked for when I got to the movies 

"Give me one ticket for Absurdity please."

In this batch of the absurd, we find out that Dom has a brother, and he's John Cena (Jakob). 

Charlize Theron is back! That must have been the worst bet that she has ever lost. I consider her to be one of the most underrated and underappreciated actors we've got, but movies like these ain't helping that case.

And who's idea was it to give her that haircut? - part of the bet she lost, I suppose. 

It was reported that the gang goes into space (at least two of them do). 

Annnnd the X-Men Jet is back! 

(it really does look like that - Wolverine included)

Seriously, after the X-Men's last two movies (which were turrrible), I was expecting them to crossover for a fresh start. Why not?? They're a spy team now, that goes to space! - nothing should be off the table.

They're looking for two halves of some... war sphere?? If put back together with some key... idk... John Cena rules the world.

Remember when Vin and the gang were all about street racing, money, survival, and brown booty? - those were simpler times!

But, why discuss the plot? Seriously, why? None of it makes any sense. From Dom and Letty living like Amish people (which is an ending worse than death for action heroes) 

to their convoluted explanation for bringing the latest person back from the dead (which reminds me of a married couple, when the husband or wife get caught watching porn, and try to explain that it was just a pop-up that came out of nowhere. The other spouse gulps their glass of wine and plows forward - that was me with this - gulping my soda (with a lil Henny) saying "whatever guys, let's please just move on".

and  what's going on with the two brother's is a thin thread at best. AND the villain's motivation...  

But, it's foolish to get into that., and take points off. I LOVE THESE MOVIES, but it ain't for the story. Let's grade "F9" by its own standards:

Racing, Action, and Family (they graduated from booty to family):

Racing

They've done the racing in a small city thing before, but this time it's with magnets! - SUPER MAGNETS!

YES!

I loved this! Cars are getting sucked into magnets. They're using them to make people fly away and explode. Which btw, they did my man Francis Ngannou wrong (an mma fighter). There's a fight scene with a giant white dude on top of a speeding vehicle. That giant white dude could have and should have been the role for Francis, instead he's just here to say high, and then blow up. As much as I loved these scenes, they were too quick in some areas. I think if they had slowed some of the magnet stuff down a bit, we could appreciate more what's happening.

Action

M.Rod is legit. 

She needs her own franchise. The only action star I enjoyed more than her was Vin, and that's really due to the absurdity of one scene. Do y'all remember the "Civil War" scene when Captain America has one hand on a building and another pulling back a helicopter?? 

It's the same level of strength needed for what Vin does in some underground chambers. You can see a bit of it in the trailer. He pulls the whole place down, and then, just like in "Civil War", he ends up in the water (but unconscious). Oh, and he does this after beating up like 50 people at once. Ha! I love it! Then, how he is rescued (cuz c'mon, he can't die) is splendidly preposterous, and I mean that is a complimentary way. That scene is perfection.

The only action that bothers me comes from Dom's sister (mia). 

She just doesn't sell being a fighter, but whatever. No disrespect... she’s beautiful, but... her hair might weigh more than the rest of her body.

Apparently, the highest trained fighters (agents) in the world (who have GUNS) never trained for a unskilled, unprepared, 110 lb woman in her 40's with a frying pan.

Family & Corona

Tyrese and Luda are always funny, but their act is growing a bit thin. It actually felt like an act this time around. I think it's time to add another black man in the mix; perhaps one who's older than they are... TRACY MORGAN?

Throw an OG in there and it'll freshen things up again. I do like though how Tyrese is starting to suspect that they might be immortals. I think they should test that theory out in the next movie; maybe have Tyrese break the fourth wall, kinda like Deadpool, as he realizes this is just a dumbass movie.

Dom and Letty's kid... terrible. I'm sorry! This is a bias of mine, but kids normally suck at acting. This one is no exception. Just get an older actor to play the young kid. I'm thinking Ryan Reynolds would have been a good choice.

You may be saying "that's absurd!" - I'm glad that y'all can still tell what that word means, cuz I can't.

The rest of the chemistry family magic is great!

Oh, and Cardi is here, but... barely (for like 30 seconds, if that). 

No rapping, no wapping, no cursing... kind of a waste of Cardi B, if you ask me.

John Cena aka Jakob with a K!

Meh. JC def has charisma, just not in this movie. He doesn't stand out at all. You know?? - The Rock, Jason Statham, Charlize Theron, etc all have a presence about them in this franchise. Cena?! what happened, buddy?

There are certain music artists whom you'd think would have a great personality based off their music and how they dress. But, then you meet them, and you realize that they're just normal bozos like you and I (only rich and famous). And normal bozos like you and I, AT TIMES can be boring. You gotta have some flair if you're not going to have personality. Give my man some pink glittery highlights, a face tat, some vampire teeth, and maybe a chainsaw for his left arm or something.

Grade: Good action. The absurdities were funny. I was entertained! Production was great! BUT it's getting tired, my friends. It's the same formula that I've mentioned and then, like always, they're grilling and drinking Corona's in the sun. After nine movies (with at least two more on the way)... I never thought I'd say this, but it's actually not absurd enough. Wait... I seriously can't believe I just said that.

I need to say that again to know it's real.

This movie wasn't absurd.. enough? ENOUGH. IT WASN'T! They're going to need to step it up for the next two.

They were in space, but not for long. They raced for the most part in regular cars (regular for them). . You only brought ONE person back from the dead??! C'mon! We can do better.

I'm giving it an entertaining C+

I like that we saw different younger Dom's (during flashbacks) through time. I think that the next type of vehicle they bust out should be a DeLorean.

Y'all feel me?? TIME TRAVEL, baby! 

Vin and the gang race through time! They can have Tracy Morgan. They'll each have a younger version (or older) of themselves join the group. Cardi B will actually do something this time - maybe turn into a car! 

And maybe Cable shows up as they tie it to Marvel.

Think bigger, Vin!

[dcforts]

[monday 6: jealous]

Nora had set Castiel up on a blind date with a really nice guy once.

He tells them casually one night, while they are having dinner at the bunker. When Dean registers his words he almost drops his fork into his plate.

His name was Sean.

“Wow Cas, really?” asks Sam amused, sounding interested like they are talking about the plot of an animation movie and not Castiel going on a goddamn date, with some guy, who knows when. “What happened?”

It had been shortly after Dean’d been in Rexford. Castiel was very nervous and Sean had ordered for him.

They’d talked about their jobs and the stars, because Sean was studying astronomy and Castiel knew all about stars, as he’d walked among them many times.

He hadn’t said that though, and had only corrected his misconceptions twice.

He tells them that they had walked home and Castiel had followed Sean to his door and said goodnight.

Dean is having a hard time picturing it, doesn’t want to picture it, his heart is speeding up. Somehow he feels like that is different than all those times he teased Castiel about people finding him attractive, cause they were just faces, voices that they were never going to see again. And it’s not just a hook up either, this is a date. He feels something twisting in his stomach at the thought the Castiel could want and need something like that. Something that Dean could never give him.

“Did you ever see him again?” Sam asks and Dean wants to stab him with his fork but also thank him because he wanted to know too but didn’t have enough guts to ask himself.

Castiel shakes his head. He didn’t like lying to him, and he couldn’t stand to look in his eyes and play Steve, the sweet, hardworking Steve, the babysitter Steve. As if he hadn’t seen someone explode right in front of him, as if he wasn’t thousands of years old, as if he hadn’t killed and died and existed outside of the human world.

He had felt like a fraud.

And later, when Sean had texted him – he had texted him – Castiel was in the middle of a war and didn’t really have time for a coffee.

Then he had gotten his grace back, and it’s not that he could go up to him and say ‘Sorry, I’ve been busy regaining my grace and bringing back my brothers and sisters to Heaven, because by the way, I am not human.’

“I was feeling… lonely at the time and after that, I felt even lonelier. How can you build real relationships with people if you can’t tell them the truth?” he asks them.

Sam opens his mouth probably to start one of his perfectly crafted speeches about love and possibilities and bright future. Dean is glad to be sitting next to him because he doesn’t have much patience for that look he usually gets when he talks about this stuff. So before he can get into his romantic crap, he cuts him off. “You just can’t. You get used to it” he says, shrugging and shoving a piece of broccoli in his mouth.

Castiel brings his eyes on him. “This must have been hard for you.”

Dean avoids his gaze and he forgets that he’d spoken up just to keep Sam from talking. He stays quiet for a second too long and it’s already too late.

“It is difficult,” his brother says “but if you find someone. Someone that gets you, that understands who you are and wants the same things, you can have that. I mean, we have had a lot of great friends along the way.”

“Mostly dead” grumbles Dean in his plate.

Sam ignores him. “It’s not an easy life. But it doesn’t have to be lonely.”

“Well, I regret the way I behaved with Nora. She was my friend. She showed me kindness and she trusted me and I disappeared. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to lie. Even if I told her the truth now, she would still hate me for lying to her all this time.”

“You don’t know that”, Sam is saying but Dean’s stopped listening. Thoughts are buzzing in his mind like a beehive has just moved in. He keeps going back to the date and even if he is pretty sure the conversation has moved on he still can’t stop himself from asking:

"Well, what about this… uh, Sean?” he asks, stressing the fricative sound.

He and Castiel lock eyes for a moment and as Castiel’s frowns at him, Dean feels himself sink into his chair. He tries to smooth his face into a neutral expression.

“We could have been friends.”

Dean pushes his plate away and scoffs. “You went on a date with this guy. That’s different. That means more than friends.” He hears how stupid he sounds so he quickly adds: “Whatever. Forget it.” 

“I know what it means,” Castiel says, “but things are different now”.

Sam just looks between them like he’s following a tennis match. Dean crosses his arms on his chest.

“Did you have fun?”

“I said I did.”

“Where did you go to eat?”

“We had fish.”

“Fish on a first date? Ugh” he says with a grimace, “Did he come to pick you up or -?”

“We met at the restaurant.”

“Ugh.”

“It was a blind date.”

“What did he wear?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Nothing memorable then” he shoots a glance at Sam, “It means it sucked.”

Sam rolls his eyes.

Dean shrugs “What? I’m just sorry the guy had such bad experiences.”

Sam bitch faces him. “But how can you talk? When’s the last time you went on a real date?”

“What does that have to do with anything? I’m just not one for ‘real relationships’. But let me tell you, if I wanted… I’d know how to give my date a good time. I’d know how to do it right.”

Now Sam has his face in his hand. “Oh, please.”

“You’re just jealous cause you know you have no game.”

Sam’s eyes widen: “I am jealous? I’m the jealous one here? Wow, okay,” he throws his hands in the air “I think that’s it for me, I can’t hear this no more. Goodnight guys” he says, standing up with his plate to dump it in the sink.

Dean gives his retreating back a confused look but then Castiel’s voice brings his attention back to the conversation. “But you do build real relationships. You care about people.”

“Of course I care about people. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. The realization you had with Sean? I had it when I was seventeen. Sam keeps…” he trails off, waves a hand, stands up and starts clearing the table to avoid his gaze. “I’m just saying. In this life, it’s better not to get too attached. I mean, look at us -” he meant to add something, but the moment the words leave his mouth he is unable to go on. He wishes he could take it back, struggles to find something to add but comes up empty and the window to correct himself to make it look like a slip is closed already. Castiel doesn’t seem to notice.

Dean strides towards the sink and sets down the dirty plates on top of the pots. He stands still to think while the silence stretches. He might as well say it: “We- we risk our lives every day. We’ve died what, like a hundred times? And if we put dating or romance or whatever crap into the mix we’d get extra screwed, that’s what we’d get.”

“Well, there is always a way to make it work.”

“Yeah, alright Nicholas Sparks.” he feels his skin prickle.

“I don’t know who t- ”

“You can have that.” Dean cuts him off in a tone that’s slightly more aggressive than he intended. He keeps his back turned. “If you wanted. It’s different for you. This has always been our life, but it’s not always been yours. And you could have dates and flowers and - the whole deal. It’s not the same for me. And I made peace with that a long time ago. That’s not what I’m gonna get and that’s not even what I want. I’m fine as I am.” He hears his voice getting higher and higher and he feels a little sick, because he’s lost control of his words and he doesn’t even know what he is saying anymore.

When Castiel’s voice reaches him, it comes from a place closer than Dean expected. “Dean, what are you talking about?” Dean shoots a look over his shoulder and there he is, standing behind him a little on the side. “I am an angel. Do you really think -?” He steps closer and lowers his voice. “Nothing of the things you said matter to me. When I was human, I was just trying to fit in.” He gives him a small smile “I don’t understand any of those rituals anyway” and Dean, meeting his eyes, feels his tension deflate.

He turns around and leans his hips against the counter.

“You sure? Cause we can set you up with one of those dating apps. We really could find you someone better than fish-eating, nothing-memorable-wearing Sean.”

“Don’t be mean.” Castiel says but the corner of his mouth tilts upward. “I’m fine as I am as well. I’d rather have someone who gets me, as Sam put it.”

Dean can’t hold his gaze. He fixes his eyes on Castiel’s shoes.

“I’m just saying, there’s nothing stopping you.”

“That’s not what I want” Cas says and Dean follows his boots as they take a step towards him.

“You don’t know, maybe in the future....”

“I know.”

He is still walking.

“If you could find someone....”

“Dean,” and it sounds like a definitive answer, “I’m not looking.”

He’s there. He leans against the counter next to him and then Dean feels the touch of a hand on the small of his back. It’s barely there and it’s gone after a second but Dean feels light all of the sudden.

“Okay.”

Castiel brings his arm back to his side, but keeps it pressed against his.

A moment passes, then Dean dares to glance in his direction: “So, did you take a look at his car?”

“He had a bike”.

“Oh God, a b-” Dean’s shoulders start shaking with laughter. 

“Stop it.”

“Sean with his bike.”

“I said stop. And why do you say his name like that?”

I am participating in the spnstayathomechallenge by @bend-me-shape-me @pray4jensen @helianthus21 

[gffa]

As many of us are going into self-imposed quarantine, we’re going to need some stuff to keep us occupied and that means STAR WARS fandom is here to provide a crapload of amazing stuff to read. This set has some fics that were great comfort reads for me, ones that I picked up as new and fell in love with, ones I revisted because they updated, ones that I’m in the middle of reading for the first time, and it’s been a great way to just get a little lost for awhile! The fandom is amazing and you can check out my backlog of recs for tons more amazing fic to read or dig into some of these right here because this fandom continues, continues to make me cry with how much good stuff there is here. STAR WARS FIC RECS: TIME TRAVEL RECS: ✦ With Many a Winding Turn by ambiguously, jacen & ezra & phoenix crew, time travel, 12.2k    On the run from Thrawn, Ezra finds himself in a future he never imagined. ✦ starshine & clay by blackkat, anakin/agen & fay & cast, time travel, 13.3k wip    Agen Kolar is many things, but prepared to play babysitter for a repentant Sith is definitely not among them. However, Vader holds the keys to a conspiracy that could bring down the Jedi, and in light of that, Agen has to make allowances. ✦ Soldier, Poet, King by Glare, obi-wan/anakin & qui-gon & cast, NSFW, time travel, 104.6k wip    Second chances are very rarely given, but the Force smiles upon two of its favorite children and returns them to a time before their actions have met their consequences. ✦ Fire Red by wednesday, obi-wan/anakin, time travel, ~1k    It’s taken Obi-Wan hours to get here. Hours of failed attempts at meditation and he’s no closer to clarity than he was yesterday, when he woke up certain he’d lost his mind. PREQUELS RECS: ✦ Little Lies by ambiguously, obi-wan/padme, NSFW, ~1k    It’s just sex. That’s what he tells himself. ✦ Howling in the Gale + On the Altar by zinjadu, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & barriss & asajj & cast, dark themes, 71k    Ahsoka, on her way to rendezvous with Anakin and continue the fight for the Republic, has a vision. ✦ Freedom’s Land by Bythoseburningembers, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & padme & rex & mace & yoda & plo & cast, 11.9k wip    Set After The Slaves of Zyggeria. Anakin and Ahsoka have a long-overdue discussion about Shmi Skywalker. Ahsoka is inspired to try and end slavery as a gift for her Master. She drags Obi-wan, Padme and half the galaxy along for the ride. ✦ what all wise men fear by KeeperofSeeds, obi-wan & anakin & rex & cast, 5.8k    The rescue efforts during the Zygerrian slave arc take longer than expected. Stuck together and pushed to extremes, Rex and Obi-Wan struggle to keep their hopes up. Until one day, when a slaver pushes too far. Obi-Wan Falls. ✦ hunting toward heartstill by blackkat, mace/cody & obi-wan/rex & shaak/colt & plo/wolffe & anakin & tup & fives & luminara & agen & depa & cast, 140.8k wip    Plo has an idea. Mace agrees, and everything snowballs right into hell from there. (Or: Mace and Cody get married in order to give the clones citizen status. Before they can focus on that, though, they’re going to have to deal with ancient Sith artifacts, evil prophets, plots to overthrow the Supreme Chancellor, lost planets, monsters warped by Sith alchemy, inconvenient feelings, and Darth Sidious turning his eye on a potential new apprentice. Just…not in that order.) ✦ Deferment by saltyavocado, obi-wan/padme & anakin, 5.4k    “This was my favorite room,” Padmé says. “I used to send you messages from that very comm unit, you know. My handmaidens thought it was terribly romantic, so I never let them read the actual messages. They would’ve been devastated to discover that we really were talking about politics.” ✦ Trees Too Tall to Climb by thisbluespirit, obi-wan & oc, 1.3k    She’s never been this brave before… ✦ Hard Conversations in the Hangar by F-117 Nighthawk (F117_Nighthawk), obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, 3.1k    After leaving Tatooine, sans huttlett, Anakin can’t sleep. He ends up in the hangar, where Obi-Wan drags half of the reason out of him and convinces him to tell Ahsoka the other half. ✦ Under a Cloud by thisbluespirit, obi-wan/padme & qui-gon & cast, 4.2k    It’s been hundreds of years, and nobody believes in the Jedi any more. ✦ The Cry by batsojopo, obi-wan & qui-gon & xanatos & ocs & cast, 4.2k    This is my version of how Obi-Wan Kenobi arrived at the Jedi Temple. ✦ The Eternal Spring by tessiete, obi-wan & padme, 2.5k    In the end, she doesn’t die. It’s only that she feels like she might. Instead, she goes to Tatooine, and she takes Obi-Wan with her. ✦ kybersong by Shadaras, obi-wan & qui-gon, 1.6k    Obi-Wan Kenobi goes in search of his lightsaber’s crystal heart. OBI-WAN/ANAKIN RECS: ✦ The Happy Hunt by SingManyFaces, obi-wan/anakin/ahsoka, 1.2k    Obi-Wan and Anakin help Ahsoka to celebrate her first Happy Hunt. ✦ Invictus by MI5WWII, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 22.7k wip    The one where the force ships it and to get Anakin and Obi-Wan together, it must lead them through several orchestrated tropes in the name of kiss already to save the galaxy. ✦ that which rages in the place of dearest love by shipwrecks, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 4.4k    He loves Obi-Wan but he’s not going to let him tell him to calm down like he’s still a padawan who doesn’t understand anything about the galaxy. He understands plenty—the galaxy is cold and unforgiving, dark and pain, he’s known this longer than anyone. ✦ like a heathen (clung to the homily) by jenmishe, obi-wan/anakin & anakin/padme & pre-obi-wan/anakin/padme, NSFW, 13.8k    “Sure.” She shrugs. “You’re the team, after all. You know, where there’s Kenobi, you will always find Skywalker not far behind, and all of that. I realized I have basically married both of you a few years ago.” ✦ not too particular, not too precise by AozoraNoShita, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & padme, modern au, 16.4k wip    Obi-Wan and Anakin both run food blogs and they have Opinions about each other’s recipes. Then it turns out they live in the same apartment building and they have the same friends and when they finally meet? It’s like a cooking competition meets a rom-com. Kind of. ✦ Rainy With a High Chance of Accidents by wednesday, obi-wan/anakin, 1.2k    Anakin and Obi-Wan have a string of accidents that are absolutely not Anakin’s fault. ✦ Solstice by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, nsfw, 20.6k wip    After the events of Equinox, Obi-Wan and Anakin find themselves back at war with enemies both seen and unseen. ✦ Only fools fall by laissezferal, obi-wan/anakin, nsfw, ~1k    Maybe he should have stopped the younger man when he had kissed him, hard and full of need and want and passion. But instead he had pulled him in closer, consumed with the sudden urge to feel him, all of him. ✦ Take me over the edge by anakinks, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, omegaverse, ~1k    Anakin was lying on the bed, head abandoned on the pillow, curls in disarray around his face, breathing hard. ✦ His. by KieraSumire, obi-wan/anakin, nsfw, 5.3k    “If you really loved me, you’d had KILLED ME!” He screamed consumed by both rage and pain. A yellow gaze briefly flashed. ✦ Conceal Me What I Am by MI5WWII, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, omegaverse, arranged marriage, 3.8k wip    Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are chosen as representatives of the political union by Darth Sidious, meant to bring ruin to the marriage and the public’s support of the Jedi,for Obi-Wan Kenobi is not the Beta he claims. But even Sidious does not know of the secret Anakin Skywalker keeps, that he is not the Alpha the galaxy believes him to be. ✦ Astromegabalanus Sontaranus by Azazel, obi-wan/anakin + alien/anakin, NSFW, dark themes, read the warnings, 4.8k    While on a recon mission aboard an abandoned Separatist ship Anakin gets taken (in more ways than one) but Obi-wan is there to help (also in more ways than one). ✦ Salvation by turtlesandalpacas, obi-wan/anakin, omegaverse, some darker themes, 10.5k wip    When the Jedi are nearly wiped out by Chancellor Palpatine, Obi-Wan Kenobi takes refuge in Tatooine. There, he meets an unruly slave named Anakin Skywalker. JEDI: FALLEN ORDER RECS: ✦ We Survived, Now We’ll Live by Hierophantastic, cal/merrin & bd-1, 1.9k    Cal shows Merrin the Origin Tree, and they get to know each other a little better. ✦ The World According To Space Daddy by ElizabethOlsenIsMySpiritAnimal, tapal & cal & bd-1 & cere & greez & trilla & merrin & cast, 3.1k    Jaro Tapal survived Order 66. In retrospect, as he sits onboard the Stinger Mantis, the lone bastion of sanity in a sea of madness, he finds himself wondering if maybe being gunned down would’ve been the better option. ✦ a different world by freedomatsea, cal/merrin, NSFW, 2.6k    Cal and Merrin explore their connection. ✦ Don’t Drown by believe_in_alderaan, cal & cere & merrin & greez & bd-1 & cast, 3.4k    Cal didn’t look back. He carefully placed his breather into Cere’s mouth as he swam. His injury made every movement agony. He felt relief, like they had finally gotten away. ✦ For My Hands Have Tasted Death by IllyanaA, cal & tapal & oc, 1k    Cal Kestis learns why pyschometrics should treat death with caution. It can have unintended consequences. ✦ The Sound of Machinery by BitZombie, cal & bd-1, 1.1k    Before Nur, the gentle thrum of the Mantis’ engines acted like a sort of white noise generator. It blocked out every thought in Cal’s head and made it simple enough to meditate until he felt the pull of exhaustion. ✦ If You Fall by icandrawamoth, cal & bd-1, character death, 1.1k    Cal knows he takes his life into his hands every time he jumps. ✦ Narrow Escape by believe_in_alderaan, cal & prauf, 1.7k    Set a few months before the beginning of Jedi: Fallen Order, Cal is nearly kidnapped and taken off-world. ✦ various storms and saints by foolycoolie, cal & bd-1, 4.9k    It’s hard to differentiate between his own memories and the ones he’s absorbed through the Force, especially when he feels them all equally. ✦ Unexpected Help by believe_in_alderaan, cal & bd-1 & ninth sister & oc, 2.6k    Drawing out what happened when Cal fought the Ninth Sister. REBELS RECS: ✦ Date Night by ambiguously, kallus/zeb & kanan/hera & jacen, 1.7k    Asking your not-boyfriend out on a date is even harder when he’s stuck babysitting for his friends. ✦ The Way Home by ambiguously, kanan/hera, 1.5k    Hera is reeling from what happened with Maul, and Kanan lends an ear. ORIGINAL TRILOGY RECS: ✦ the sky’s (not) the limit by Shadaras, bail/breha & leia, ~1k    Breha and Bail take Leia to the skies on the back of a thranta. ✦ Growth (Or Else) by blackkat, luke & leia & han, 1.5k    “What did you do to it?” Han asks, horrified. Leia has no idea, but she isn’t about to admit that. SEQUELS RECS: ✦ Time Again by draculard, obi-wan & rey, 1.9k    In 19BBY, Obi-Wan goes into self-imposed exile on the desert planet Tatooine with only one mission: to keep Luke Skywalker safe. Thirty-four years later, he finds himself on Jakku instead. FULL DETAILS + RECS HERE!

[withthingsunreal]

hey guys

did y’all know there’s a limit to how many links you can have in a post

adventure time masterpost part one

♥=my favourites Ω=significant plot (though sometimes this is not immediately obvious) ♪=a song happens ♫=a personal fave song happens ¿=just don’t try to think about it too hard okay

SEASON SIX

Ω 6x01/6x02 - Wake Up/Escape from the Citadel [WATCH] - Finn and Jake need to get to the Citadel, and Prismo agrees to help. But the Lich beats them to it, and it seems he's got some plans of his own.

♥ 6x03- James II [WATCH] - An excess of James.

6x04- The Tower [WATCH] [alt]- Finn's missing his arm, so he decides to build a tower into space so he can punch his dad and steal HIS arm instead. Solid plan, right?

¿ 6x05 - Sad Face [WATCH] - A circus, and a clown.

♪ 6x06 - Breezy [WATCH] - Finn's flower isn't doing so well, and Finn himself isn't feeling anything, but his new bee friend Breezy wants to help. Stay tuned for spook (me, that's me) starting a petition to retitle this show 'what the hell did I just watch.'

¿ 6x07 - Food Chain [WATCH] - Finn and Jake learn about the food chain by, um, living it.

6x08- Furniture & Meat [WATCH] - Mo' treasure, mo' problems.

6x09 - The Prince Who Wanted Everything [WATCH] - LSPrincess has a story to share with the Ice King, and LSPrince has a lesson to learn from Fionna the Human.

6x10 - Something Big [WATCH] - Something something Maja something Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant something something feelings?? Listen I don't know what I'm watching anymore ok

♪ 6x11 - Little Brother [WATCH] - Shelby has an accident, ends up with a little brother, and turns to Jake for brotherly advice. Well, giving Finn a sword worked out pretty well...

6x12 - Ocarina [WATCH] - Kim Kil Whan buys the treehouse and tries to teach Jake a lesson about responsibility. It goes suuuper well.

6x13 - Thanks for the Crabapples, Giuseppe [WATCH] - Ice King and his fellow offbeats go on a wizard road trip to form their own secret society.

6x14- Princess Day [WATCH] - Breakfast Princess gets rude with LSP. Mistake! Time for her and Marceline to mess up the Breakfast Kingdom way bad.

6x15 - Nemesis [WATCH] - There's a great evil in the Candy Kingdom which must be stopped.

6x16 - Joshua and Margaret Investigations [WATCH] - Finn and Jake's parents fought monsters, too! Even when their mom was way super about-to-pop pregnant, apparently.

6x17 - Ghost Fly [WATCH] - Jake kills a fly, because flies are disgusting. But ghost flies seem to be worse. Oops?

6x18 - Everything's Jake [WATCH] - Bender searches inside himself and finds that Fry has been with him all along Jake goes on an inner journey, but like, literally. not really spiritually so much.

♥ 6x19 - Is That You? [WATCH] - Jake and Finn mourn Prismo, and then things get super bananas up in their dreamspace.

6x20 - Jake the Brick [WATCH] - Jake observes nature as he spends some time as just another brick in the wall.

6x21 - Dentist [WATCH] - Finn's tooth is in real bad shape, and he has to face facts: it is time for him to Go Dentist.

6x22 - The Cooler [WATCH] - There's a crisis in the Flame Kingdom, and FP makes the (objectively terrible??) decision to turn to PB for help.

6x23 - Pajama Wars [WATCH] - Sleepover in the Candy Kingdom! Nothing terrible is happening.

Ω 6x24 - Evergreen [WATCH] - Master Evergreen and his lizardy minion Gunther attempt to save the world.

¿Ω 6x25 - Astral Plane [WATCH] - Finn goes on an astral adventure, and sees some junk that may be relevant soon.

6x26 - Gold Stars [WATCH] - Sweet P starts school, and makes some new (terrible) friends.

6x27 - The Visitor [WATCH] - Finn follows his dream from Astral Plane and finds his least favourite massive disappointment at the end of the trail.

6x28 - The Mountain [WATCH] - It’s a Lemongrab episode. I don’t know anymore.

6x29 - Dark Purple [WATCH] - Susan Strong and some brave hyoomans on a rescue mission.

6x30 - The Diary [WATCH] - Fandom can be a consuming thing. TV finds an old diary and gets a little too into it.

6x31 - Walnuts & Rain [WATCH] - Finn and Jake get separated and go on different (weird) journeys.

6x32 - Friends Forever [WATCH] - Ice King tries to make himself some new friends. It goes terribly.

6x33 - Jermaine [WATCH] - After Jake has a shared dream with Jermaine, the boys go to visit their brother, who’s still living in their childhood home.

6x34 - Chips and Ice Cream [WATCH] - Chips, chips chips chips. Ice cream ice cream. (A travelling performer passes his curse on to Jake. It doesn’t go well.)

6x35 - Graybles 1000+ [WATCH] - Graybles, again, some more. Apparently the Candy Kingdom is still around however much further in the future, and someone’s still putting up string lights at Marceline’s. So there’s that.

6x36 - Hoots [WATCH] - The Cosmic Owl gets distracted by a mystery lady’s pretty set of tailfeathers.

6x37 - Water Park Prank [WATCH] - Finn and Jake (and the Ice King) spend the day at the water park.

6x38 - You Forgot Your Floaties [WATCH] - Magic Man, up to his usual biz, but this time he’s getting a helping hand from Betty. No way this will go horribly wrong??

6x39 - Be Sweet [WATCH] - For some inexplicable reason, Tree Trunks thinks LSP is a good choice for a babysitter. Yikes.

6x40 - Orgalorg [WATCH] - Gunther and the Gunts throw a houseparty.

6x41 - On the Lam [WATCH] - Martin finds another group of adorable creatures to try to exploit. yay.

6x42/6x43 - Hot Diggity Doom/The Comet [WATCH] - An election in the Candy Kingdom, and an impending catastrophe.

SEASON SEVEN

7x01 - Bonnie & Neddy [WATCH] - The King of Ooo continues his efforts to be the worst. PB has to help someone important to her get back to where he belongs.

7x02 - Varmints [WATCH] - Bubblegum tries to protect her pumpkin patch; Marceline lends a hand.

7x03 - Cherry Cream Soda [WATCH] - A candy citizen comes back from the dead, causing some complications for those he’d left behind.

7x04 - Mama Said [WATCH] - While out on a mission for the King of Ooo, Finn and Jake run into Billy’s ex-gf Canyon and decide to help her out instead.

7x05 - Football [WATCH] - BMO tries to do something nice for a friend. It does not go well.

7x06/7x07 - Stakes: Marceline the Vampire Queen/Everything Stays [WATCH] - Marceline has a favour to ask of PB, which results in her reflecting on the last thousand years of her life.

7x08 - Stakes: Vamps About [WATCH] - Marceline’s old nemeses are back, and she’s absolutely down to take ‘em all on again.

7x09 - Stakes: The Empress Eyes [WATCH] - Targeting the Ice King? Possibly not the greatest plan a vampire could have.

7x10 - Stakes: May I Come In [WATCH] - Jake finds his courage.

7x11 - Stakes: Take Her Back [WATCH] - Marceline’s out of commission, so it’s up to Finn and Jake to take on The Moon.

7x12 - Stakes: Checkmate [WATCH] - Four down, one to go.

♫ 7x13 - Stakes: The Dark Cloud [WATCH] - Marceline has to decide what she’s fighting for.

7x14/7x15 - The More You Moe/The Moe You Know [WATCH (watermarked)] - It's BMO's birthday, and a special guest is coming with a special mission for our lil robot buddy. yay?

7x16 - Summer Showers [WATCH] - Viola helps LSP put on a play, and Jake is super proud.

7x17 - Angel Eyes [WATCH] - BMO bribes Finn and Jake into playing cowboys and bandits.

7x18 - President Porpoise Is Missing! [WATCH] - An undersea authority figure appears to have vanished.

7x19 - Blank-Eyed Girl [WATCH] - Urban legends may or may not be baloney, and may or may not be out to get you.

7x20 - Bad Jubies [WATCH] - One heck of a storm brewing up some real nasty vibes.

7x21 - King's Ransom [WATCH] - Ice King isn't going to let anything stop him from rescuing his best bud, and Finn and Jake have got his back.

7x22 - Scamps [WATCH] - Finn rehabilitates some bad seeds.

7x23 - Crossover [WATCH] - Prismo needs Finn and Jake’s help with a junked-up timeline.

7x24 - The Hall of Egress [WATCH] - A dungeon keeps hitting the reset button every time Finn tries to exit.

7x25 - Flute Spell [WATCH] - Does Finn have a new girl in his life, or is he working on a different sort of magic?

7x26 - The Thin Yellow Line [WATCH] - It Is Okay To Be You, ft. The Banana Guards

7x27 - Broke His Crown [WATCH] - Bonnie and Marcie try to have a dinner date with the IK, but his crown is up to some weird biz.

7x28 - Don’t Look [WATCH] - Finn fails to follow the literal only instruction given.

7x29 - Beyond the Grotto [WATCH] - Sea lard rescue 911

7x30 - Lady Rainicorn of the Crystal Dimension [WATCH] - TV finds a weird box.

7x31 - I Am A Sword [WATCH] - FinnSword gets straight up hijacked.

7x32 - Bun Bun [WATCH] - Remember how Cinnamon Bun used to be... just, like, generally bad? at doing things? okay that but smaller.

7x33 - Normal Man [WATCH] - Normal Man needs some hero help to return Glob to Mars.

7x34 - Elemental [WATCH] - An... ice... princess? kinda??

7x35 - Five Short Tables [WATCH] - Fionna and Cake try to make some artsy-ass flapjacks.

7x36 - The Music Hole [WATCH] - Music happens, some of it on a stage.

7x37 - Daddy-Daughter Card Wars [WATCH] - Charlie helps her Papa work through some card-related stuff.

Ω 7x38/7x39 - Preboot/Reboot [WATCH] - Finn, Jake, and Susan visit a very scientific establishment.

SEASON EIGHT

8x01 - Two Swords [WATCH] - So when a FinnSword and a Grass Sword meet... sometimes some stuff can go the hell down.

8x02 - Do No Harm [WATCH] - Finn and Grass Finn try stuff out.

8x03 - Wheels [WATCH] - Jake tries to connect with his granddaughter by proving he’s cool.

8x04 - High Strangeness [WATCH] - Tree Trunks loves... revolution (｡•`_´•｡)

8x05 - Horse and Ball [WATCH] - James Baxter rides again.

8x06 - Jelly Beans Have Power [WATCH] - PB tries to get a handle on the elemental powers thing.

Ω 8x07 - Islands: The Invitation [WATCH] - Susan sent out a distress signal, and a response has arrived.

8x08 - Islands: Whipple the Happy Dragon [WATCH] - Hazardous seas, or Here There Be Dragons.

Ω 8x09 - Islands: Mysterious Island [WATCH] - Finn gets separated from his friends, but makes a new one.

Ω 8x10 - Islands: Imaginary Resources [WATCH] - BMO helps Finn and Jake get acquainted with the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of virtual reality gaming.

Ω♪ 8x11 - Islands: Hide and Seek [WATCH] - Memories of island life.

Ω 8x12 - Islands: Min & Marty [WATCH] - Minerva Campbell and Martin Mertens get to know each other.

Ω 8x13 - Islands: Helpers [WATCH] - Finn meets his mom.

Ω 8x14 - Islands: The Light Cloud [WATCH] - The conflicting desires to protect your child while also allowing them to grow and thrive.

SEASON NINE

9x01 - Orb [WATCH] - Some very normal dreamscapes on the return journey to Ooo.

9x02 - Elements: Skyhooks [WATCH] - The boys make it home but things are looking... different.

9x03 - Elements: Bespoken For [WATCH] - The Ice King has a story to tell about a hot date he had, and also tangentially the current state of things.

9x04 - Elements: Winter Light [WATCH] - A visit to the Ice Kingdom.

9x05 - Elements: Cloudy [WATCH] - Finn needs to calm down, and Jake needs to potty.

9x06 - Elements: Slime Central [WATCH] - It's Slime Time baybee

9x07 - Elements: Happy Warrior [WATCH] - A normal one in the Flame Kingdom.

9x08 - Elements: Hero Heart [WATCH] - LSP tries to help Finn listen to his hero heart, while PB just wants everyone to be a little bit sweeter.

9x09 - Elements: Skyhooks II [WATCH] - Let's Get Lumpy.

9x10 - Abstract [WATCH] - Jake is wary of some changes in Jermaine.

9x11 - Ketchup [WATCH] - Marceline and BMO catch up on recent events.

9x12 - Fionna and Cake and Fionna [WATCH] - Ice King gets to hang with the REAL Fionna.

9x13 - Whispers [WATCH] - Finn and Fern help Sweet Pea with some nightmares.

9x14 - Three Buckets [WATCH] - Finn and Fern spend some uhhh quality time together

SEASON TEN

10x01 - The Wild Hunt [WATCH] - Huntress Wizard needs some assistance, and Finn has some junk to work through.

10x02 - Always BMO Closing [WATCH] - BMO and Ice King team up to become a door-to-door salesman.

10x03 - Son of Rap Bear [WATCH] - FP needs to work on her rap game.

10x04 - Bonnibel Bubblegum [WATCH] - Family junk is complicated.

10x05 - Seventeen [WATCH] - It’s Finn’s birthday! Let’s get Arthurian up in here.

10x06 - Ring of Fire [WATCH] - The marvelous misadventures of Tree Trunks.

10x07 - Marcy + Hunson [WATCH] - Marceline’s dad is in town and totally embarrassing her again.

10x08 - The First Investigation [WATCH] - Finn and Jake look into some haunted happenings at Joshua and Margaret Investigations

10x09 - Blenanas [WATCH] - Finn wants the highest possible authority to weigh in on whether or not he is funny.

10x10 - Jake the Starchild [WATCH] - Jake’s gotta save the world. No, a different one.

10x11 - Temple of Mars [WATCH] - Jermaine and Finn gotta rescue Jake, and in the process maybe help Betty work through some things.

10x12 - Gumbaldia [WATCH] - Peace talks.

♥Ω♫ 10x13 - Come Along With Me [WATCH] - Everything stays, but it still changes.

[paramounticebound]

Plots please!

⤏ send me “plots please” … || @therapardalis​ || accepting, but slow af.

Pros: This is a lot more than three.

Cons: Basically none of these are fleshed out ideas.

Star Trek au: So because I still have this stored away in my drafts (I’m so sorry I take ages to do anything), I was thinking that since Thera had the misfortune of being assigned to Khan—let’s face it, likely as a glorified babysitter—and as John Harrison he’s designing the Vengeance, what if he discovers her proficiency for weapons design and requests her assistance with the project? This can be because he has some nefarious purpose (someone else to manipulate? Maybe gain her sympathy for his situation?) or because…. Well, anything. Maybe she’s the only person he can tolerate and he’s tired of lackeys that don’t know what they’re doing but Admiral Marcus won’t let him work unsupervised.

Star Trek au 2: Alternatively, Thera in her post-academy career is still a glorified babysitter, but this time it’s part of some type of reform program. I.e. Into Darkness went with a little less violence/destruction and instead of being put back into cryo, Khan has to prove himself as a… less psychotic person. Or maybe he’s still awaiting trial and is in a bit of a “you’re still a criminal but here’s some freedom, you just have to be supervised” sort of thing.

Star Wars au: Just a basic idea. During Thera’s career as a smuggler, perhaps she gets a high-profile job transporting some frozen soldiers? Or, well, just the one, but he’s the worst one. Then something happens, because it always does—an attack? An infiltration? The cryo-tube just decided to malfunction (it is pretty old)—and now she has to deal with an angry, disgruntled ex-soldier. This would be the very beginning of my general Star Wars verse for Khan, so he doesn’t have an over-arching plan yet. Like I said, a basic idea, aahhhh. 

Star Wars au 2: I have two brain cells and they both say Clone Wars era Thera and Khan doing Clone Wars era stuff. (I have a CW-specific verse, wherein Khan is an ARC-Trooper). Fighting together? Yes. Suffering together? Double yes.

Mad Max au: Khan knows about the Teg-Hold, mostly from rumours, but hadn’t sought it out until now. His compound is running into trouble and he is running out of resources. He’s unwilling to cow down to Immortan Joe, Aunty Entity, and the like due to pride and the desire to keep his “family” safe without relying too much on outside help. So maybe he seeks out the Teg-Woman and the Hold for technology he can either trade for or replicate back home.

Prohibition au: All I can think about is occasional club singer Thera popping up enough around piano-playing Khan that they become friendly. I don’t want to presume anything about your muse, but I’m guessing she wouldn’t be about to turn him in for bootlegging. I don’t think a literal immortal guardian would have much fear about becoming involved with him somehow (in any way, as an acquaintance, friend, etc).

Final Fantasy VII au: listen I don’t know, I’m so bad at plotting but my eyes went as wide as saucers when I saw you had a verse for this. I do too and I’ve never used it but maybe one day poor Thera is dragged out of the archives and has to deal with going on a mission with G-type soldier Khan.

Witcher au: There are sooo many memes I’ve sent you in this verse that I have in my drafts fskljfsd so here’s a basic idea (the plot meme said it could be basic okay): Witcher!Khan meets her because he needs to get somewhere, so employs her for her sailing skills. Regarding Elf!Khan, if Thera grew up near Brokilon Forest, maybe she met him there? Possibly in childhood? 

[spacenoise]

Essential Steven Universe Episodes

Hello everyone! 

Looking to watch Steven Universe, but not drag yourself through all the episodes? Never fear! I’ve made a list of what I believe to be the most essential episodes of Steven Universe with unnecessary ones labelled as such (and my reasons why). Now here’s some things to keep in mind before looking at the list:

When I say “essential” I mean ones that introduce important elements to the story. New important characters, new powers, episodes that develop the character and plot-relevant episodes fit this category. 

Episodes that develop certain characters will be labeled as “unnecessary” if they don’t contribute enough to the plot or their growth.

There may be some personal bias since I found one or two filler episodes to be enjoyable despite their uselessness to the overall plot but I’ll label them as well so you know.

 Avoid reading ahead. The labels for unnecessary ones may contain SPOILERS so if you care about that kind of stuff: you’ve been warned.

On to the list!

Season 1

1. Gem Glow

2. Laser Light Cannon

3. Cheeseburger Backpack: Steven’s first mission

a. Together Breakfast: shows off gem rooms and a monster but that’s really it.

b. Frybo: introduces PeeDee but he doesn’t ever really do anything so...?

4. Cat Fingers

5. Bubble Buddies

6. Serious Steven

a. Tiger Millionaire: while there is some character development, there isn’t really enough to make it worth watching since most of the episode is focused on wrestling.

7. Steven’s Lion

8. Arcade Mania

9. Giant Woman

10. So Many Birthdays: a peek at how dark this show can get

11. Lars and the Cool Kids

a. Onion Trade: mainly about Onion; if you like his character, feel free to watch but if not I’d avoid it since it ultimately doesn’t mean much.

12. Steven the Sword Fighter

13. Lion 2: The Movie

a. Beach Party: Gems piss off the family that runs the town’s pizza shop and try to make it up to them by inviting them to hang out. Shenanigan ensue, but has no lasting impact on the story.

14. Rose’s Room

15. Coach Steven

a. Joking Victim: develops Sadie and Lars’ relationship; skip if you don’t really care about either

16. Steven and the Stevens

17. Monster Buddies

18. An Indirect Kiss

19. Mirror Gem & Ocean Gem 

a. House Guest: shows why Steven has trouble with his powers, but nothing too important happens other than that; watch if you wanna see more Pearl & Greg interactions

20. Space Race: shows Pearl’s fondness of space; develops her character and background but not necessary; skip if you want

a. Secret Team: if you don’t like episodes about characters making temporary truces I’d avoid this one; not enough character development to make it worthwhile.

b. Island Adventure: another Sadie and Lars episode; Lars opens about his feelings but not much else happens.

21. Keep Beach City Weird: relevant for SU: Future reasons, but if you don’t like Ronaldo skip

22. Fusion Cuisine

a. Garnet’s Universe: contributes nothing, but is a kinda cute episode.

b. Watermelon Steven: introduces a character(s) that is only used a total of three (maybe four?) times; also introduces a power that is rarely ever used when it matters.

23. Lion 3: Straight to Video

24. Alone Together

25. Warp Tour

a. The Test: some good character discussions, but not important overall.

26. Future Vision

27. On the Run

a. Horror Club: if you don’t care for Ronaldo, Sadie or Lars: skip. Even if you care about Lars, skip this one since you kinda get the gist of his character at this point.

b. Winter Forecast: a few nice moments, but ultimately a big “what-if” episode

28. Maximum Capacity

29. Marble Madness

30. Rose’s Scabbard

a. Open Book: a Steven and Connie episode; fun if you like them, but skippable

b. Shirt Club: focuses on one of the Cool Kids but ultimately means nothing

c. Say Uncle: Uncle Grandpa Crossover; some funny moments from the Gems but if you don’t like UG avoid this one.

31. Story for Steven

32. The Message

a. Political Power: addresses certain concerns the Gems have, but nothing important crosses over into the next episode; most about Mayor Dewey anyway

33. The Return

34. Jailbreak

-------------------

Season 2

1. Full Disclosure

a. Joy Ride: Steven messes around with the Cool Kids; there’s a bit here briefly referenced in SU: Future I think, but other than nothing really happens; skip it if you want

b. Love Letters: properly introduces Jamie and shows his character, but he never does anything for the plot. All you need to know if him and Steven are friends.

c. Reformed: introduces Amethyst's new form and shows more of her insecurities but that’s all this episode is really good for.

2. Sworn to the Sword

a. Rising Tides, Crashing Skies: a Ronaldo episode; need I say more?

3. Keeping It Together

4. We Need To Talk

5. Chille Tid

6. Cry for Help

7. Keystone Motel

a. Onion Friend: another Onion episode; addresses how Amethyst feels regarding the current situation, but other than that nothing worthwhile.

b. Historical Friction: Jamie puts on a play and some gem stuff is involved; no action, but tells us about the Gems’ history

8. Friend Ship

a. Nightmare Hospital: mostly about Connie and her mom; some cool scary bits, but skippable.

b. Sadie’s Song: entirely about Sadie and how her mom makes her feel; skip if you don’t care much for Sadie.

9. Catch and Release

10. When It Rains

11. Back to the Barn

a. Too Far: develops Peridot and Amethyst’s relationship, and develops Peridot’s character, but not enough to make this episode necessary

12. The Answer

a. Steven’s Birthday: fun episode, but ultimately contributes nothing

13. It Could’ve Been Great

14. Message Received

a. Log Date 7 15 2: shows how Peridot got to where she is (as a character) and fills in some holes between Catch and Release and Message Received; fun and worth watching but skippable regardless

-------------------

Season 3

1. Super Watermelon Island

2. Gem Drill

3. Same Old World

4. Barn Mates

5. Hit the Diamond

a. Steven Floats: introduces new power but not much else

b. Drop Beat Dad: Explains where Greg gets his money, and I guess if you’re a Sour Cream fan watch this one? Skip if you’re not. 

6. Mr. Greg

7. Too Short To Ride

a. The New Lars: focuses on Lars mostly, but Sadie also shows up at one point; skip if you don’t care about them.

b. Beach City Drift: watch if you like Stevonnie; skip if you don’t really care.

c. Restaurant Wars: pointless fight between the pizza shop family and the fry stand family. I guess if you like food watch this one, but you can skip this one.

d. Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service: focuses on certain member’s of the pizza family. Skippable, but watch if you like pizza I guess.

8. Monster Reunion

9. Alone at Sea

a. Greg the Babysitter: a “stories of the past” episode where Rose shows up; nothing important really happens though

b. Gem Hunt: a certain character makes a return, but not until the end of the episode; skippable

10. Crack the Whip

a. Steven vs. Amethyst: develops their relationship but skippable overall

11. Bismuth

12. Beta 

13. Earthlings

14. Back to the Moon

15. Bubbled

-------------------

Season 4

a. Kindergarten Kid: Looney Tunes-esque episode; fun but skippable

b. Know Your Fusion: certain fusions return but still skippable

c. Buddy’s Book: shows off more of the Gems’ history and has Rose in it; still skippable despite all this since none of it is super important.

2. Mindful Education

a. Future Boy Zoltron: skippable since it focuses on Mr. Smiley and a former colleague; watch if you want to see some fun interactions.

b. Last One Out of Beach City: fun episode and shows some of Pearl’s development, but still skippable.

c. Onion Gang: it’s an Onion episode so: skippable.

d. Gem Harvest: Thanksgiving episode; reveals Steven’s real last name but nothing else important.

3. Three Gems and a Baby

4. Steven’s Dream

5. Adventures in Light Distortion

6. Gem Heist

7. The Zoo

8. That Will Be All

a. The New Crystal Gems: shows us what Connie, Lapis and Peridot did while Steven was in space. Nothing really happens so just skip this one.

9. Storm in the Room

a. Rocknaldo: features Ronaldo once again and is arguably one of the worst episodes. Thankfully, it’s skippable.

b. Tiger Philanthropist: callback to an older episode; doesn’t contribute anything to the current plot

10. Room for Ruby

a. Lion 4: Alternate Ending: goes no where and contributes nothing; reveals possible name for Steven if he was a girl though so...cool I guess? Skip it.

11. Doug Out

a. The Good Lars: develops Lars’ character a little, but not much else

12. Are You My Dad

13. I Am My Mom

-------------------

Season 5

a. Stuck Together: Steven and Lars’ relationship develops further along with Lars’ character; some dramatic moments make it an overall a good episode, but you can skip it if you want.

1. The Trial

2. Off Colors

3. Lars’ Head

a. Dewey Wins: Steven realizes why Connie’s upset with him; saved you from watching Mayor Dewey for almost eleven minutes.

b. Gemcation: another good episode, but skippable regardless.

4. Raising the Barn

a. Back to the Kindergarten: shows how Peridot feels after a certain event, but nothing else really happens.

b. Sadie Killer: Sadie starts a band and that’s it. Skip if you don’t care much for Sadie.

c. Kevin Party: watch for character drama and one resolution, but skip if you can’t stand Kevin.

5. Lars of the Stars

6. Jungle Moon

7. Your Mother and Mine

a. The Big Show: a Sadie’s band episode; skippable

b. Pool Hopping: shows off Garnet’s fears and insecurities but is still skippable

c. Letters to Lars: basically amounts to Dewey finding his place in town after losing his job; nothing else so just skip this one.

8. Can’t Go Back

9. A Single Pale Rose

10. Now We’re Only Falling Apart

a. What’s Your Problem: develops Steven and Amethyst’s relationship further; skip if you want, but it’s a good episode to watch.

11. The Question

12. Made of Honor

13. Reunited

14. Legs From Here To Homeworld

15. Together Alone

a. Escapism: shows how Steven contacts the B-team but overall just feels kind of out of place? Skip if you want.

16. Change Your Mind (four parts; almost an hour long btw)

  -------------------

Watch Steven Universe: The Movie if you plan on watching Steven Universe: Future

 -------------------

Steven Universe: Future

1. Little Homeschool

a. Guidance: skippable since nothing in this episode is mentioned ever again. Smoky Quartz is in it though so watch if you like her.

2. Rose Buds

3. Volleyball

a. Bluebird: introduces Greg’s new look and a new fusion that’s never brought up again.

b. A Very Special Episode: fun episode but contributes nothing to the overall story.

4. Snow Day

a.  Why So Blue: shows other Lapis Lazulis and shows us how far Lapis has really come; watch if you’re a Lapis fan, but skip if you want.

b. Little Graduation: skip if you never really cared too much about any of the human characters since this is mostly about them.

c. Prickly Pair: downer of an episode; no one ever mentions anything that’s said in this episode, but check it out if you wanna see Steven more of Steven’s plant powers!

6. In Dreams

7. Bismuth Casual

8. Together Forever

9. Growing Pains

a. Mr. Universe: Greg’s history is revealed but doesn’t contribute much so skip if you don’t really care about that too much.

10. Fragments

11. Homeworld Bound

12. Everything’s Fine

13. I Am My Monster

14. The Future

And that’s it! I guess let me know if this list was helpful or not, but other than that: I hope you enjoy Steven Universe!

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

[netflixandgrill-blog]

How to Get Through a Quarantine in 10 Movies

(The Netflix and Grill Guide to Movies You Will Love to Hate)

1. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are both charming and pleasing to look at, but even they can’t out-act this God-awful script. We felt our minds wandering through all the exposition, so much so that the movie should be called How to Lose a Viewer in 10 Minutes (nailed it.) Kate Hudson’s gold dress was, and always will be, the star of this movie. 

2. The Notebook

We both (separately) bought tickets for this movie in the theater when it was released in 2004, when the average movie ticket price was only about six bucks, and we both had the same thought upon leaving: “I definitely overpaid.” We watched it again on Netflix and, after figuring out our per-movie cost from our monthly subscription, found that this viewing cost us about 34 cents. We still think we overpaid. Someone needs to tell Allie she’s in an abusive relationship with Noah. Someone needs to tell Noah that no means no--an easy way to remember that is that it’s the first syllable of his name. We thought it was an interesting choice that Allie’s later dementia was foreshadowed by her younger self forgetting what accent she was supposed to have in any given scene. Allie the Sometimes Southern Belle is a flighty bird, Never-Say-Die Noah is a toxic male bird, and we wish we could fly back in time 2 hours. 

3. Eat Pray Love

What could be less interesting than a well-off white woman traveling across the world to escape her first-world problems, the worst of which seems to be that her husband loved her too much and her subsequent much younger boyfriend loved her even more? Answer: nothing. Why this movie became such a phenomenon escapes us the same way Julia Roberts’ character escapes accountability for any of her shitty behavior. 

4. Crazy, Stupid, Love

Ryan Gosling is a street-smart Brooklyn-Italian-sounding ladies man who says things like “Just bang the broad, Bah-fahn-gool. Fuhgeddaboutit.” (We paraphrased.) And Steve Carell was like, “Remember when we did 40-Year-Old Virgin? Let’s do the exact same thing again.” Let’s also not forget that boundaries and propriety don’t seem to be a thing in this movie, as the grown-assed babysitter gives nude pictures to a minor and we’re all supposed to be cool with it. A lot of people are crazy, stupid in love with this movie. We think they are crazy and stupid. 

5. P.S. I Love You

This movie begins with what feels like a 3-hour exposition scene to set up the fact that Hilary Swank is oh-so-unhappy with the fact that she's already 28 years old and her carefree Irish husband hasn’t given her 5 kids yet. Also, their ultra-beautiful and hip New York apartment isn’t enough--why don’t they have a house already??!!  Waaaaahhhhh. Then her husband dies, and Hilary’s already unlikeable character spirals from annoying into the realm of insufferable. The dead husband orchestrates a series of notes to be delivered to Hilary, still trying to please his sullen and ungrateful wife from beyond the grave, proving that he has just as poor taste in women in death as he did in life. 

6. Catch and Release

Oh, we caught it, but we didn’t release it soon enough. We suffered through to the end. Why was Kevin Smith in this movie, and why was he trying so hard to be funny? The plot is so unclear and convoluted that we can’t tell you exactly what happened, but the bullet points are: Jennifer Garner’s fiancé dies, leaving behind a million bucks that she didn’t realize he had; she moves into a house with her dead fiancé’s buddies for some reason; her dead fiancé had a secret lover (Juliette Lewis) and possibly fathered a son with her; and, in the end, Jennifer Garner gets with Timothy Olyphant, her dead fiancé’s best friend. Why does all of this make for a compelling movie? It doesn’t. Why was this movie called Catch and Release? Beats the hell out of us. What could possibly account for this movie getting made? Our guess, cocaine. 

7. Monster-in-Law

Monster-in-Law...more like a Monster Waste of Time (nailed it x 2). Jennifer Lopez is at war with her fiance’s mother (played by Jane Fonda), who has a death-like grip on her son, Michael Vartan. Jennifer Lopez is just a simple dog walker with the beachside apartment of a tech CEO who fell in love with the world’s biggest mama’s boy and got engaged to him after what seems to be four dates, a fact which Jane Fonda hates. Conflict ensues. And that’s it, just 102 minutes of that. Except for Wanda Sykes, the no-nonsense assistant and only sympathetic character, and you can practically see the sweat beading on her forehead from her straining to try and save this steaming pile. The other movies on this list we either loved or loved to hate. This one we just hated. 

8. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Makers of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you did it. You made a movie that not even Emma Stone, Matthew McConaughey, or Charles Goddamn Dickens could save. This movie came out eight years before the #metoo movement, and has aged about as well as Harvey Weinstein’s face. To be clear, it sucked regardless, but now it suffers from the double-whammy of both sucking and trying to evoke empathy for a sexual predator.   

9. My Best Friend’s Wedding

In fairness, Heidi actually loves this movie, and Mike thinks it’s not the worst thing ever. Ok, he loves it too, in spite of (and sometimes because of) its many flaws. The movie begins with a music video that has nothing to do with the rest of the story, leading you wonder how it’s going to pay off, and yet it never does. It’s so laughably dumb that we both wish we had thought of it. Julia Roberts’ gay (2nd) best friend, Rupert Everett, flies in not once but twice to save her ass. And at the last minute, too, so you know those flight prices must have been steeeeeep. Which made us realize we need better best friends. Mike’s best friend stole his wallet. On his birthday. Heidi’s best friends are not quite so bad. They just forget her birthday.

10. Dear John

What a snooze fest. Any movie that Channing Tatum is in where he doesn’t dance isn’t worth watching. Any movie that Amanda Seyfried is in that’s not Mean Girls isn’t worth watching. Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum don’t get together, though. She instead marries family friend Henry Thomas, who even as he’s dying of cancer admits that he’s really only a sub-plot in Channing and Amanda’s life--a plot device more alien to us than the one in Henry Thomas’ most well-known role (Elliot in ET), in which he encounters an actual alien. 

[serendipitous-magic]

Was there anything you liked about season 3? As a whole I agree, it was an absolute shambles, but I enjoyed bits, like Max and El becoming friends

Actually, yes. And since Star Wars has been on the brain lately, I’ll sum it up like this: much like the prequels, S3 was bad. Bad bad bad. But there were little nuggets of good within it. Vastly, vastly overwhelmed by bad - but the idea of some good things were in there.

Some things I did enjoy about S3:

1) Elmax. (That being said: I still think the handling of El’s character in S3 was teeerrriibbblle. And Max, for that matter. Max lost almost all of her tomboyishness, and they never ever addressed the fact that El doesn’t know how to be her own person yet - in fact, they played into it by just having her imitate Max a lot. Like, a looooot. So, there were a lot of things I was iffy on, even in the elmax scenes. However: El and Max friendship? Yes. Good.)

2) “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls,” and the ensuing Castle Byers scene. These scenes, all on their own, almost felt like they could have been part of The Canon Seasons, because they had actual emotional relevance and impact - it’s just too bad that the lead-up to it was kind of weird and it was never addressed again afterwards.

3) Max having sympathy for Billy even though he’s a literal monster (oh and possessed by one). Note: I do not think Billy should have gotten the “redemption.” I just like that Max is such an empathetic person that she didn’t want Billy, monster that he is, to go through what he went through.

4) Neverending story. Honestly, at that point, I was just like, “Fuck it, this is cute, I’ll run with it.” I also really enjoyed Max and Lucas razzing Dustin about it at the end.

5) Karen encouraging Nancy to go for the story. They let Karen be the invested and supportive - if nosy and a tad misguided sometimes - mother that she was in S1, if only in that one scene.

6) Starcourt as a setting. I think they took a misstep when they allowed the season to be 90% just “look, it’s a mall from the 80s!!!!! Remember those??? Remember the banana republic??? Remember??? MAAAALLLL!!!” But. I did like Starcourt as a setting.

7) Will clinging to the past, trying to regain the childhood that was stolen from him, while the Party is trying desperately to grow up super quickly so they can escape what happened. That was a really realistic, heartbreaking dynamic that could have been so emotionally impactful if they had done literally anything with it. 

8) Steve’s arc from S1 to S3. He started out as That Popular Douchebag That Actually Redeemed Himself By Being A Good Person And Making Amends For His Mistakes, and then in S2 he was Babysitter Steve That We All Know And Love, and now in S3 he’s Dorky Babysitter Steve That Works A Shitty Job And Doesn’t Really Know Where His Life Is Going. Steve has been a very dynamic and (overall) likeable character in ST.

9) Robin. Now, this is a double-edged sword. I love that they included Robin, I love that she had a coming-out scene, I love her character. However, I do feel like she was a shoe-in to “appease the gays.” This is entirely subjective, but to me it felt very much like they shoved Robin in as a way of being like, “There, done! We did it, we did Representation! So, now we don’t have to address that with Will at all. Because we’re done, right? One gay(TM) per TV show. (brushes off hands) Done.” But again, that’s just how it struck me.

10) The movie theater scene. It was like the only meaningful interaction between Mike and Will that we got for the entire season.

11) Nancy and Jonathan working at the Post together. That was cool, I liked that.

So, there were a few things I liked about S3, but you’ll notice that almost all of them have caveats. “I liked this little bit, except then they fucked it up.” You might also notice that these are almost all from the first two (three?) episodes, because I feel like from e4 onwards it just went from terrible to fucking unwatchable. e4+ just turned into the weird stupid stereotypes-of-russians plot plus two-characters-who-are-caricatures-of-joyce-and-hopper yelling at each other, plus more just... weird, flat-feeling action scenes. 

I’m supposed to be doing homework and that turned into an essay, but that’s about it. I think S3 had a few good ideas - and I think that those ideas were used up mostly in the first few episodes, they were never used or built upon in a way that actually influenced the plot or made anything feel emotionally relevant, and there weren’t many of them.

I’m sorry, I’m getting bitter again because I’m reminding myself what an utter plummet of quality S3 was from the canonical seasons. I don’t mean to sound quite so salty. But, yeah, those are my thoughts.

[mrnerdteacher]

5 Spoiler-Filled Ways “Rise of Skywalker” is the Last Jedi Remake Neck-beards Demanded

“The goal is to not make one half of the fandom happy over the other, it is to make a film that the fandom in general as a whole enjoys. “

These words were taken from the manifesto posted on Remakethelastjedi.com (which somehow never managed to produce a film despite getting over $417 MILLION dollars “pledged” towards the effort (lol).

It is very telling that nowhere on the site does it mention anything about artistic integrity. Or communicating a theme. Or even quality movie making (cinematography, acting, dialogue, etc). Because the Last Jedi meets all those criteria, actually.  The entire crux of the argument against the previous film is “Star Wars belongs to the fans, and you didn’t give all the fans what they wanted, so we’re upset.”

It is therefore pretty deflating to watch “Rise of Skywalker” make so many efforts to undo the brave and controversial changes Rion Johnson made to the “Star Wars formula.” If ever there was a movie to prove Martin Scorcese right, this is it. Not only does this movie refuse to “Let the past die” (as Kylo Ren so eloquently put it), it figuratively and literally resurrects every tired old trope that has made Star Wars such a predictable franchise over the last dozens or so films. Here, submitted for your disapproval, are the “fixes” JJ Abrams made to “The Last Jedi”, despite never actually being broken in the first place.

1) This movie needs a Vader, dammit I love the moment in The Last Jedi when Kylo Ren smashes his stupid dollar-store-knockoff Vader cosplay helmet in a fit of rage. That was the precise moment in which I could tell this film was going to do something different. The villain in this story was going to have a face. And a personality. And be an actual character. But no, said JJ. Make the bad guys literally glue it back together. We need to sell some Halloween costumes, dammit.

2) The Universe Shouldn’t Feel Too Large

Perhaps my favorite plot twist of TLJ was in regards to Rey’s parents: they weren’t anyone special. They were not a Skywalker. Or a Sith lord. Or Jar-Jar Binks’ babysitters. They were just selfish jerks who abandoned their child. But in that pain lies a powerful message: you are more than your heredity. And you determine your own destiny. But no, said JJ. Make her a long lost child of Palpatine. And literally call the previous script a lie. Because a story that takes place across an entire galaxy should really only focus on the same five people. 3) Mysticism is Really, Really Important. Like, SO Important. I loved the moment in TLJ when Yoda burns the “sacred texts” that Luke had been protecting for decades. It was such a fun reminder that belief and spirituality matter very little if they are not followed up by action; particularly, brave and altruistic action. But in case you were one of the few who were actually upset by Yoda disrespecting a relic you never knew existed 20 minutes prior, Rise of Skywalker gives you plenty fancy magic items and abilities to read about on Wookieepedia. Treasure maps in the shape of conveniently found cutlery. Weird diamonds that point the way toward evil, like Captain Jack’s compass. Strange underground rituals that have apparently been destined for a millennia but that can ALSO be changed on the fly to fit the needs of the movie’s laborious run-time. It all comes across like an Indiana Jones movie, and not one of the good ones.

4) Characters Should be Simple and Easy to Predict

Luke tossing his own lightsaber into the ocean. A polarizing moment, but one I adored. It showed me that in this version of Star Wars, people change. They’re flawed. And they don’t take EVERYTHING seriously ALL THE TIME. They are, to put it simply, people. But in Rise of Skywalker, the galaxy far, far away is returned to simpler times. The villain is an evil wizard who wants to do evil because he’s evil. The hero is a symbol of unwavering good who never, ever makes the wrong or selfish choice. The mentor characters are wise and chaste, and the lovable scoundrels have ex-girlfriends on distant planets who are so salty he broke their hearts. It’s classic Star Wars, alright. (aka, kinda boring)

5) Cram in as Many References as Possible

Perhaps the biggest misstep of the Star Wars franchise is the oft-repeated mistake of thinking that establishing connections to beloved narratives is more important than being memorable or original. So we got characters like Jango Fett (totally devoid of personality) and ridiculous explanations for how Han Solo got his name. The Last Jedi was a deeply weird but wholly fresh story, with a strange animal-rights sub-plot and a final battle that didn’t actually take place. But if that was too unfamiliar for you, JJ Abrams is here to throw so many winks and knowing nods at the fandom that they couldn’t POSSIBLY find something to complain about. The number of inside jokes clouding the script are almost too many to count.

6) Be Woke, but not Too Woke

Just to make sure JJ Abrams didn’t lose the new Star Wars fans who were actually excited to see the series defy gender norms, RoS makes a lot of strange attempts at being progressive, but never in the forefront. Half the Stormtroopers have female voices. A new planet of peaceful allies has decidedly Muslim influences. And then there’s that lesbian kiss.But none of these elements are ever important, and are kept just enough on the sidelines that the far right audience can choose to ignore it. Like “Beauty and the Beast” and “Avengers: Endgame,” this movie wants you to think it’s forward-thinking, but its not brave enough to prove it.

And in case you are now feeling the need to “strike me down,” let me end by saying this: I actually enjoyed Rise of Skywalker. Once I realized it was going to be a pretty dumb movie (about five minutes in), I was able to sit back and enjoy the big, loud, occasionally funny, often emotional spectacle. I just wish the good movie that could have been hadn’t been force choked to death by the collective clammy fist of the Star Wars subreddit. 

Oh well. At least there’s one more episode of The Mandalorian...

[lesbiankiliel]

Erina’s Brand-New Tolkienverse Fic Rec List

Happy Holidays, have Tolkienverse fic recs!

sorted by rating, oldest-to-newest according to my bookmarks, marked with * are special faves, and under the cut because so many amazing fics!

G

Finding Comfort by scarletjedi (7.2k, Gigolas, missing scenes, enemies to friends to lovers, book canon compliant)

*Color Me Mine by andquitefrankly (32k, Bagginshield, modern au, kindergarten au, they’re all about six, fluff, Smaug hordes crayons)

*A Detour to Your Heart by thekeyholder (9.8k, Bagginshield, modern au, Christmas, roadtrip through Europe)

*Elf-Friends by Lumelle (9.1k, Kiliel, Bagginshield, everyone lives/nobody dies, sex = marriage to Elves, Fili runs Erebor while Thorin is recovering)

Alone is a word not meant for you by authoressjean (5k, Bagginshield, modern au, Bilbo is Fili and Kili’s fave author)

*Breaking Tradition by ladyoakenshields (14k, Bagginshield, modern au, Halloween, fluff, established relationship, listen I don’t like Halloween but this fic is wonderful)

*Homecoming by alkjira (1.9k, Bagginshield, Kiliel, Bifur/Fili/Ori, Dís/canonical husband, fix-it, Dís is on a mission to get to know the ones said loved ones love and Víli is on a mission to get grandchildren, because dammit he’s not getting any younger.)

*****Love Me For Eternity by ladyoakenshields (223k, WIP, Bagginshield, How to Train Your Dragon au, fluff and angst, happy ending, this is pure brilliance, Kat is amazing ♥)

Those Who Stay by Poplitealqueen (3.1k, Durin family relations, Dáin is a kid, Dís is a kid, you just know they’re gonna end up in trouble)

Prince Kíli by Lunarflare14 (1.2k, Kiliel, Bagginshield, trans male Kili, Dwarf gender concepts, gender dysphoria, everyone is protective of Kili)

Truth, Honesty, and None of the Above by Ias (13k, Bagginshield, Kiliel, humour, engagement, secret relationships, Kili is an idiot)

*****Coffee and Floral prints by etux (3.6k, Bagginshield, modern au, humour, misunderstandings, Thorin owns a fancy café in Paris, Bilbo is a chef)

*****The Art of Searching for Yourself by etux (1.6k, Fili-centric, modern au, part of the Paris au, asexual Fili)

*****Candle Glow and Mistletoe by etux (29k, Bagginshield, modern au, pretending NOT to be married, Christmas shenanigans, established relationship)

*****Lights of Midnight by etux (2.9k, Bagginshield, Drogo/Primula, New Year’s Eve shenanigans, modern au)

*****where moments turn into forever by alkjira (1k, Bagginshield, Bofili, Kiliel, everyone lives/nobody dies, Shirement, established relationship, fluff, super cute)

*Cute Girls & Chemistry by starlightwalking (7.8k, fem!Kiliel, college au, aspec characters)

*****Hearts Will As Hearts Must by determamfidd (10k, Gigolas, Bagginshield, Kiliel, everyone lives/nobody dies, Legolas and Gimli meet upon Gimli’s moving to Erebor and they hate each other’s guts instantly, it gets better tho)

*****Glowing like Stars by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (2k, fem!Kiliel, mermaid au, absolutely freaking brilliant)

*****Ever On and On by yubiwamonogatari (2.9k, fem!Bagginshield, old ladies in love in the Shire)

*Stranger's Home by Sansael (1.2k, Dís/Dís’ wife, fix-it, everyone lives/nobody dies, family feels)

Merry Yuletide, From Erebor by starlightwalking (4.8k, Kiliel, Bagginshield, Yuletide, love confessions, Tauriel’s first Yule)

A Horse of Rohan by determamfidd (3.2k, Gigolas, canon compliant, Arod-centric, I have feels about a horse. A. Horse.)

*Twelve Months and Fifty Years by determamfidd (3.1k, Thorin & Frerin, Sansûkh appendix, afterlife doesn’t solve anyone’s problems, if you wanna cry read this)

*****Seldom All It Seems by starlightwalking (28k, fem!Kiliel, Sleeping Beauty au, angst with a happy ending)

*****Summer Lovin' by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (1.1k, fem!Bagginshield, fem!Kiliel, everyone lives/nobody dies, love confessions, flowers, summer in the Shire)

*****Snowflake Cave by RainbowUnderpants (fanart, fem!Kiliel, a very beautiful wintry picture ♥)

*****Cliché by mcmanatea (2.1k, fem!Bagginshield, firefighter au, cat in a tree, fluff, flirting)

*****what the stars confess when all is silence by MistakenMagic (8.7k, Bagginshield, Star Wars au, Force bond, PWP: Porg With Plot, Dís has dual lightsabers and is so cool)

T

Of Dwarfs, Plans & Courtships by alkjira (222k, Fili/Bofur, Bagginshield, Kili/?, crack, angst with a happy ending, courting)

*****The Courting Habits of the Line of Durin by diemarysues (54k, Bagginshield, slow burn, courting, Dwarves are fucking prudes, read also the rest of the series)

*****The Inevitable Love Story between Two Oblivious Idiots by Bgtea (116k, Bagginshield, Dwori, slow build, fix-it, letters)

The Search for Mad Baggins by Antarctica_or_bust (10k, Bagginshield, Frodo POV, fix-it, Frodo goes off to look for his Uncle Bilbo with Sam, Merry, and Pippin)

You're the only thing I want to see by authoressjean (2.3k, Bagginshield, modern au, Thorin has glasses but Bilbo had no idea)

*****Nothing Gold Can Stay by perkynurples (296k, Bagginshield, modern royalty, really slow burn, a fandom classic)

*Fall Down at Your Door by diemarysues (37k, WIP, Bagginshield, universe alteration, magic, Bilbo gets turned into a cat, most of the fic is in the form of letters)

I Sang In My Chains Like The Sea by orphan_account (56k, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Bagginshield, Aragorn/Arwen, implied Gigolas, Pacific Rim au)

Sometimes it's just that easy by authoressjean (2.8k, Bagginshield, modern au, sequel to Alone is a word not meant for you)

*Color by Numbers by andquitefrankly (46k, WIP, Bagginshield, sequel to Color Me Mine, everyone ships Bilbo and Thorin)

*****An Unexpected Addition by karategal (88k, Bagginshield, everyone lives/nobody dies, slow build, one of the first fics I read coming to this fandom and one of the best, read the rest of the series too)

**********Sansûkh by determamfidd (533k, WIP, Bagginshield, Gigolas + lots of others, lots of angst, glacial build, dead peanut gallery, everyone is dead but they’re hanging around, literally the best thing to ever grace this fandom or any fandom for that matter)

*A Most Sensible Idea by HildyJ (76k, Bagginshield, Dwori, arranged marriage au, Erebor never fell au, misunderstandings, pining, cultural differences)

*Oak and Mistletoe by HildyJ (55k, Bagginshield, Erebor never fell au, first meetings, fairy tale elements, falling in love, angst)

*****King's Ransom by Farasha (49k, Bagginshield, Kiliel, everyone lives/nobody dies, BotFA reimagining)

*The Lonely Isle by lily_winterwood (34k, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Bagginshield, Jurassic World au, raptor daddy Bilbo Baggins)

*****Cherry on the Cake by etux (1.4k, Bagginshield, modern au, part of the Paris au, demisexual virgin Thorin)

*Alone this Yuletide by Emsiecat (91k, Bagginshield, universe alterations, Shire au, fake/pretend relationship, Yuletide shenanigans, we all know where this goes *wink wink*)

Azhâr by yubiwamonogatari (152k, WIP, Bagginshield, Kiliel, Gigolas + others, everyone lives/nobody dies, angst, pining, fluff, fix-it, Thorin in the Shire, slow burn, Arkenstone may or may not be a Silmaril)

The Sons of Durin by KivrinEngle (95k, Bagginshield, modern au, follows the storyline of The Hobbit but in modern-day Scotland)

*Tamâmebrulu Id-Mudtu (Lullabies of the Heart) by rutobuka (comic, Bagginshield, everyone lives/nobody dies, sharing a bed, hurt/comfort, first kiss, all that good stuff)

*****The Took's Arrangement by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (62k, Bagginshield, arranged marriage au, Erebor never fell, one of the best arranged marriage au’s I’ve read)

*Of Iron by Poplitealqueen (16k, WIP, Bagginshield, Bifur/Ori, Kiliel, Bofur/Dwalin/Nori, canon divergence, Dáin joins the quest, Dáin is awesome)

Autumns That There Were by perkynurples (18k, Bagginshield, sequel to Nothing Gold Can Stay, modern royalty au, epilogue)

*****and sow a star divided in us by MistakenMagic (57k, Bagginshield, Star Wars au, the Force is shipper trash, Jedi Knight Bilbo, Jedi Master Thorin)

M

The Road Delivered Us Home by keelywolfe (117k, Bagginshield, alternate universe - canon divergence, canonical character death (not Thorin’s), slow burn)

The Unexpected Hobbit: A Journey by alkjira (193k, WIP, Bagginshield, Nwalin, Bilbo and Thorin's roles are reversed)

Bilbo Does Not Need Sex Advice (Especially Not From Officer Oblivious and Captain Clueless) (5.9k, Bagginshield, exactly what the title says, Fili and Kili give very bad no good sex advice)

Madness by orphan_account (33k, Bagginshield, Dwori, modern au, babysitter au)

Mistletoe by orphan_account (22k, Bagginshield, Dwori, modern au, babysitter au, Christmas)

*The Queen and her Burglar by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (3.7k, fem!Bagginshield, vaginal fingering, cunnilingus)

*****For The Ages Of A Day by perkynurples (50k, Bagginshield, sequel to Nothing Gold Can Stay, modern royalty)

E

Hidden Desires by lilithiumwords (7.4k, Bagginshield, smut)

Have At It by trulyunruly (11k, Bagginshield, smut, Thorin is a virgin)

Christmas is Coming by an_odd_ducky (1k, Bagginshield, modern au, PWP)

A Halo On Your Body by freakylemurcat (5.8k, Bagginshield, bathing, piercings, lots of them, read also the rest of the series)

*I'm Dreaming Of... by diemarysues (5k, Bagginshield, pre-slash, first kiss, first time, all kinds of smut, Christmas)

*Impartial Judge by bigmamag (46k, WIP, Harry Potter crossover, Gigolas, Kiliel, Viktor Krum/Hermione Granger, Bagginshield, Triwizard Tournament, Gimli is from Durmstrang, Legolas is from Beauxbatons, Legolas is part Veela)

*Deck the Halls and Dwarves and Quarries by diemarysues (6.3k, Bagginshield, everyone lives/nobody dies, Christmas shenanigans, Dwarf culture & customs)

*****Snowmelt by determamfidd (8.8k, Gigolas, missing Sansûkh scene, lots of smut, two nerds being dudes)

*Synergy by alkjira (7k, Dwagginshield, smut, dirty talk, mutual pining)

Where All Thy Beauty Lies by yubiwamonogatari (3.5k, Gigolas, established relationship, Glittering Caves)

Repurposing by katajainen (1.2k, fem!Bagginshield, PWP, Reshirement, a really hot summer day)

Spherule by yeaka (1.3k, fem!Kiliel, dom/sub, sex toys, bondage, PWP)

Not Rated

Song as Old as Rhyme by Wizards_Pupil (86k, Bagginshield, Dwori, Beauty and the Beast but with a twist, it has dragons)

Silence by jeza_red (7.8k, Thorin & Frerin, Sansûkh-verse, angst, but things get better, slowly but they do)

For Better or For Worse by TheEmcee (76k, Bagginshield, arranged marriage au, life debts, mutual pining, hurt/comfort)

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 105: Know Your Fusion

“Cuz everybody loves a callback.”

While praising Kindergarten Kid, I talked about the subjectivity of humor, and here we have the downside. This isn’t a bad episode of Steven Universe, but it doesn’t matches my sensibilities, which matters quite a bit when comedy is its major selling point. Meta humor is tricky, and for me, Know Your Fusion pushes just a smidge too hard at that fourth wall.

I’m not against meta humor in principle: going off the discussion of Looney Tunes from Kindergarten Kid, no appraisal of Daffy Duck is complete without Duck Amuck, an uproarious deconstruction of animation. Steven Universe is no stranger to self-commentary, from Crying Breakfast Friends to Peridot’s teen drama fandom to Ronaldo’s whole shtick. Hell, we even have Say Uncle, a non-canon episode with similar energy to Know Your Fusion that I mostly enjoy!

But I’m not into this canon iteration of the joke. I don’t think Sardonyx switching from a theatrical egotist bound to her native dimension to someone who knows she’s in a cartoon feels natural, and I’m not compelled by talk show or game show parodies. I’m thrilled for anyone who does enjoy this type of thing, because it’s not as if the joke is executed poorly, it’s just not the kind of joke that I’m looking for in Steven Universe.

Part of the problem is pacing, which I’m happy to criticize independently from my personal mismatch with the humor: considering Sardonyx’s goal is to find out what makes Smoky Quartz unique, it’s absurd to have them try to recreate the abilities of other fusions. It gives us decent setpieces (and Aivi and Surasshu give us glorious recreations of the music that accompanies Opal, Sugilite, and Alexandrite) but the whole thing feels forced. There isn’t a moment where it isn’t obvious that these scenes aren’t going anywhere, so instead of progressing the plot it’s as if we’re just stalling for the eventual reveal that Smoky’s specialty is humor.

It’s a shame, because the episode starts strong: Steven and Amethyst are adorable rehearsing their reveal, and the presentation itself is amplified by Pearl going full mom mode and Garnet correctly answering that it was Peridot that beat Jasper. The older Gems aren’t quite patronizing, but there’s a sense of bemusement that translates well to Sardonyx’s more extreme attitude, in the same way Steven and Amethyst’s nerves translate to Smoky’s awkwardness. All the pieces are in place, but then the episode takes another eight minutes or so to continue hammering in the point that Sardonyx is a steamroller and Smoky doesn’t feel like they measure up.

None of this is to criticize Natasha Lyonne or Alexia Khadime, two guest stars who carry the bulk of Know Your Fusion by themselves. Lyonne seamlessly shifts from quippy to embarrassed now that Smoky is in a social situation that can’t be solved with yoyo, and Khadime fleshes out Sardonyx’s loud first impression with quiet sass and condescension becoming of such a diva. This is the longest amount of time we’ve spent with "guest fusions” (so not Garnet, who’s a lead, or Stevonnie, who I’d consider recurring), and it’s cool to see all four main Crystal Gems condensed into a duo.

It’s less obvious than Cry for Help, but this is the second Sardonyx episode that acts as a sort of sequel to Coach Steven. We get an aside about whether Nicki Minaj gets paid for archived audio (which is the only fourth wall joke I really loved here) and a Strong in the Real Way reference, but we also get a similar message: that fusion might be great, but it amplifies the bad as well as the good. Sugilite is awesome because she’s Garnet’s power and Amethyst’s vim, but the recklessness of both Gems doubles up as well. Sardonyx also has Garnet’s power, now with Pearl’s precision, but Garnet is a leader, Pearl is a control freak, and both can be insensitive when their minds are set, so Sardonyx is a big scene. And Smoky Quartz, whose existence sprung from Steven and Amethyst commiserating over their status as “the worst Gems,” is now shown to have their own issues with self-esteem. Relationships are important, but they don’t fix all your problems, especially if those problems are shared among all members of the relationship. It’s telling that the resolution comes only after everybody’s back to normal.

I feel that the conclusion takes too long to arrive, but when it does, it’s almost worth the wait: I think it’s clever as hell to wrap up a meta humor episode with a metaphysical action sequence, considering the existence of Sardonyx’s room hinges on an ephemeral being’s existence and every thing falls apart when this person stops being one person and is instead two people (but is actually three people, because one of them is also two people). This is the perfect episode to put this trippy scene, as we go from contemplating the nature of this show to the nature of its characters. It has a similar feel to Steven reaching the roof of the gauntlet construct in The Test, but trades the emotions for hi-jinks befitting the tone of Know Your Fusion.

And while the fourth wall jokes aren’t for me, it’s not the only comedy to be found here. Estelle’s extended shout of delight at Smoky’s arrival is amazing, and my unhealthy appetite for puns was sated by the abundance of wordplay. I don’t hate this episode, I’m just not the right audience. But don’t worry, I’m sure Sardonyx could make a better audience if that bums her out.

(There’s really not much to write about for this one, huh? Sorry for the self-commentary in a review about how I’m not into this episode’s self-commentary. We’ll be back to normal review length when we return to episodes I find more interesting, which is very soon.)

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?

I wonder if this episode was ever gonna be called Self Study? The actual title is in there, just smaller, but it makes you wonder. I also love that Peridot is by herself while the less fusion-phobic characters are grouped; I’m sure she’s grown past this phase by now, but again, everybody loves a callback.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Episodes like this are why my “Enh” rating exists. But as a reminder, because this is the first episode that hasn’t at least made “Like ‘em” since Gem Drill, this is a personal list, not what I think the definitive ranking should be.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Chille Tid

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure