#and because I went on this whole rant about a disease I happen to have

[egginfroggin]

I don't mean to sound complainy, but one of my pet peeves is when ads, books, or what-have you talk about diabetes being a reversible condition and utterly refuse to specify what kind of diabetes they're talking about.

For those who may not know (and I don't blame you, diabetes is a very complex issue):

Type 1 diabetes is a condition that results from the body attacking itself by specifically destroying insulin-producing cells in the pancreas. These cells, the islets of Langerhans, do not regenerate or divide, and are permanently gone when they die. Type 1 diabetes cannot be reversed, only treated.

Type 2 diabetes is a condition wherein the body does not metabolize carbohydrates, insulin, or glucagon (a hormone produced and stored in the liver; raises blood sugar when released) properly, causing a rise in blood sugar. It may involve insulin resistance or overutilization of glucagon, among other things. In some cases, type 2 diabetes can be reversed, usually through diet and exercise (however, this is not a certain outcome, and some people may need medication).

To summarize:

Type 1 diabetes: body does not produce enough insulin. Permanent condition. Symptoms managed.

Type 2 diabetes: body does not utilize insulin or carbohydrates properly. May be reversed. Often treated with diet and exercise, in addition to medication, if patient is overweight.

Needless to say, that is a very distinct difference! One may even say crucial! After all, they are two conditions that have similar outcomes, but very different causes.

You do not tell a type 1 diabetic, "oh just exercise and eat better, it'll fix it," because, I am so sorry to disappoint, we do not know pancreatic necromancy. If we did, well, then, type 1 wouldn't be an issue, now would it?

I feel like it really isn't hard to put in the two words, "type 2," before "diabetes" in your advertisement or book, yet I keep seeing it. Yes, I know that most diabetics have type 2, but still -- is it really so hard?

(Yes I'm bitter. Back in my wee days of diabetes, when I was still using syringes and lamenting the sheer number of carbs in cake, I was severely disappointed upon finding that the majority of sources claiming that diabetes wasn't permanent were referring to the type that I specifically did not have. Very disappointed. Rub it in, why don't you.)

So, yes, please specify! It could very much save an already-stressed child, teenager, or even an adult (as type 1 can surface in adults as well) a good two hours of fuming and lamenting their lot in life.

Also you'll have fewer enemies with needles at their disposal.

[orchid-151]

Sorry to be putting this on this account but it's better for a lot of people to see right off the bat than to post it on my mun account because this is very important...

Be on the lookout for scammers on Tumblr, I just had somebody put an ask and this is what they sent;

They were hoping that I would answer and be "oh gosh golly gee, you poor poor thing I'll spread the word!"

(lots more under-cut plus ranting 👇)

🤓 yeah I'm going to spread the word, please do not fall for something like this. I went on to their page and happened to find this;

And in turn I clicked on the link to see this;

Do understand that most people would have a donation pool opened up for something like this with photos and evidence of their illness as if they tried to do something like that for profit they will end up getting in trouble. No person who is sick is going to just open up a PayPal and ask "please donate as I am sick"...

Just for a quick word of advice unless I know you personally; my asks are only open for questioning my characters, not for you to come in and put a pity party in my lap. I would rather you DM me about possibly helping to boost your illness and problems...

And before you all go "well maybe the PayPal is the only way in which they can get money... Yha jerk!" Keep in mind I'm not the only one they asked...

These are all basically the same ask to multiple people, not asking a question or other statement... Just stating that they have cancer they've been sick a few weeks and that they need money ASAP... And before you jump to conclusions this was the first thing I found when I put the whole ask in the search bar...

Yeah, my point. I don't want to spread this by answering their ass so I'm just deleting and blocking them. If you get an ask like this please delete and block the asker because they are nothing but scammers especially if you see that they have a PayPal open instead of a donation pool... If I cannot read the basic story for the information and judge myself whether you deserve my money or not, then I'm not even going to bother answering the ask.

I asked a friend of mine and they mentioned that there is a Tumblr user on here that can teach you to look out for scammers like this; @kyra45

My friend stated that they were very helpful in helping to find scammers and I hope that they can help you and to prevent from being scammed. There's only a few people in which I will donate to here on Tumblr and if you are a complete stranger I will not donate to you, I WILL BLOCK YOU!

I advise all of you to do the same as I don't want you donating to a scammer who's just going to turn around and not use your money for what they claim they're using it for. To be perfectly honest I don't know a rich person on Tumblr to begin with 😂 don't know about y'all but I'm poor as dirt 🤣

I do apologize for it being so long, but this had to be spread. If you wish to reblog so let other people know that is perfectly fine with me, I just wanted to let y'all know that I would just got this ask and I didn't want anybody to donate to this person... Like I said there's only a few people I already know here on Tumblr who need my money more than this bitch...

Cancer or not, they literally have health plans and coverages for people who have cancer and or other diseases to which you are able to get help and assistance...

ain't no need to plead to everybody on some random platform to get money from them...

[mrstsung]

The only kids shang tsung would have and loves is his own. From himself.

NOT MILEENA. sorry not sorry i hate that hc with a burning passion from fandom.

If it's not made from him,the ol fashion way. He wouldn't be as keen with it. Im not saying if there was a child in the equation with you before (single parent) that he wouldn't step up. He would. But if it's a child made by magic or something like that. It would bring back not so nice memories. Ptsd even.

So i doubt he'd be dad to an experiment like mileena or milly herself. Too much baggage there. I've been over why that hc from Fandom isn't a good one because it's so ooc and ignoring his tramas from shao kahns court and the crap he went through. It's ignoring key parts for a short lived thing that honestly could be easily remedied by MAKING AN OC OR FANKID.

If you want him to have a half tarkatan child make an oc. Leave mileena alone!

She needs kitana,her sister,not a father. If anything. Raiden is right fucking there. Have him step up.

Shang tsung i love him to death but kids,is a touchy subject i feel for him. And honestly,not everyone is ok with parenting. Even people who like kids,want kids but cant have em,etc.

Sorry for this rant but i just do not like this hc. And i myself as much as i dont mind kids,they are a lot of work,and even reading hcs about parenting drains me. Don't get me wrong shang would be an excellent father,just not to mileena. Mileenas father IS SHAO KAHN. that's right there,plain as day. No matter what you think,say or hc. Shao kahn is millys dad. Now like i said kitana stepping up,squashing the unnecessary beef,and ACTUALLY WRITING THEM WITHOUT TARNISHING EITHERS CHARACTER BY WRITING MILEENA AS A FUCKING DISEASED ANIMAL THAT CAN EASILYTUNR BACK INTO A CONVENIENTLY ATTRACTIVE EYECANDY UGH. is what needs to happen. Kitana and mileena despite her being a clone,actually being sisters and ruling outworld side by side.

She doesn't need a man. To make her great. Father or otherwise.

Plus mileena being treated like she has no agency. Even as a fictional character. Pisses me off. Women of mk get this too often. Sadly.

Plus shang doesn't like mileena nor treated her like a person. And mileena hates shang for creating her. Tanya was the only other person who actually gave a rats ass about her other than reptile. Kitana if they weren't cowards. Sindel cared for mileena but was selfish because kitana was actually born form sindel. Not milly. So.....sindel a bit vain. Unless you want mileena to be of a tarkatan affair and add drama to the kahns. Lol. (I actually have a whole ass story idea for that. But again. It's only an idea. Not what actually happened) either way. Mileena doesn't need a man to be amazing.

Tanya is her daddy *wink*. Lol. I joke i joke.

But yeah i just hate when fandoms ignore the obvious traumas and problems for a cute short hc that doesn't even make sense. MAKE AN OC. it's ok. It's not cringe. Police wont bust down your door for making a fucking kid oc for shang tsung. God!

Anyways. I have fankids with shang tsung. But it's more of an exploration idea than anything. Not nessicarly an au,but eh. I dont mind the idea. Just not nessicary for me in my self ship. I like being kidless in my self ship. It's easier to manage. But eh shit happens.

But anyways. If y'all wanna see the fankid au. Or my juicy outworld court drama idea. Lemme know.

[storybookprincess]

i hope its okay for me to write to you, but i feel like… im slowing losing my passion in writing? not really. i know thats not true because i still have so much fun with writing but sometimes i just feel like nothing i write matters and i’ll never be as good as other people because my first language isnt english. and i know, i know - comparison is a thief of joy and i usually dont compare, i swear (i even hide my stats on ao3 so i dont have to measure myself with numbers). its just that.. sometimes its tough. i dont know what i want. i dont want to quit but this just drives me crazy sometimes haha anyway.. have you ever feel that way? any tips on overcoming it? (if you dont want to answer, thats fine - thanks anyway for giving me a space to rant)

i’m going to keep it 100% real with you—i’m actually dealing with the exact same thing right now

i just feel……… tired as soon as even i think about writing. i wonder what happened to the person who could bang out 2k words within an afternoon & still feel that irrepressible itch to write more. big projects don’t seem invigorating & exciting anymore; they just sound exhausting. and it terrifies me, because being a writer is so central to who i am. if i lose that, then what??

anyway, all of that is to say that the following advice is as much for myself as it is for you, and that you’re not alone in this struggle:

1. first, take a deep breath. it’s okay. it’s okay for your passion to wax & wane. it’s okay if you take a little hiatus from writing or posting anything. its okay if you take a big one. it’s okay if things about your writing routine change. you are a writer, and you always will be a writer, even if you don’t put another word on paper for the next decade. you’re a writer not because of your word count, or your current wip, or the time you dedicate to writing today, but because of how writing has shaped who you are. because if you went back in time & erased writing from your life thus far, you would no longer be you. you’re a writer, now & forever, and nothing can change that

2. with all that being said, i hope you can understand that it’s okay to take a break. in fact, it might be necessary. i’m actually taking a break for the month of january, because i know that if i keep pushing myself when i’m creatively running on empty, i’m only going to further deplete my resources, not restore them. when i was younger, i used to think of decisions as all or nothing. you either keep writing or your quit. but that’s not true at all. you can take a break, even an indefinite break, and pick right back up where you left off. taking a break isn’t quitting, and while i know every creative person online is currently suffering from Content Machine Disease, you are allowed to go weeks or months or even years without sharing your work. breaks are okay. breaks are necessary

3. think about the bigger picture. first, what life stressors are you dealing with right now? these can often be hard to spot, but they lurk in the background, sapping your creative energy. you can’t run a marathon on a broken leg, and you can’t create when your mental energy is being drained. have grace & patience with yourself as you sort out the big stuff or just weather the storm. life obstacles to writing are very real

and second, try to think back to when you were most passionate about writing. when writing was thrilling and exciting and invigorating. what was it about that time that was different? did you have close writing friends who have since drifted away? were you writing about certain topics, or in certain formats? how has your mindset towards yourself & your creativity changed? for me, i’ve realized that i probably need to start replying to comments again, because that was a huge part of my excitement & joy when my love for writing was at its peak. how can you recreate those past circumstances in your life right now?

as always, i’ve gotten way too long winded 😅 if you got through this whole reply, thank you. i am wishing you all the best in rediscovering your passion, and please know that we’re walking that road together

[neoncoat]

Ok this is a very controversial opinion but can Maryland please shut the fuck up. Yes, you're home to the biggest megacrab species in the world. Yes, they love the come on shore once a year and wreck shit. But you don't have to act like you have it the worst! My Maryland friends are always like "well that sucks that bad thing happened to you, but at least a giant crab didn't destroy your neighborhood". Here's what they don't fucking get. 1) The crab incursions are easy to predict; residents evacuate before the crustaceans even hit the shore. 2) The urban planning of the coastal cities are made with CRABS IN MIND. And it successfully MINIMIZES DAMAGE. As a result, more people die from heart disease than crab incursions.

And before you say "Its not about the death count, its about the horror of it" If you look past the whole "There is a big monster destroying my city", then it has about the same horror as a flood. Because again, deaths are minimal compared to other catastrophes. Insurance companies and government programs cover any property damage, and rebuilding is a lot cheaper than it was in the 80s thanks to the crab-resistant architecture.

I don't want this to be a competition on who has it worst, BUT... at least the Maryland coastal crabs are stupid. At least they don't have the prey drive of a Bengal tiger and the voice talents of Mark Hamill.

People rarely talk about how scary the Ohio 'Steceans are. When most people hear of them, they think of those old Nickelodeon inter-episode shorts "Big Crab, Little Crab" from 2003-2004, which featured the plucky little Theater Crab Stewart and his big friend, Mary. So people think that because they're small, they aren't dangerous, and are in fact cute lil' guys that sound like their favorite characters.

(Also, Nickelodeon probably caused dozens of deaths inadvertently by doing this but I'm getting off topic)

Sure, they're about a tenth the size of Maryland's, but we can't leave our children unattended lest "Chase from Paw Patrol" lure little Timmy into an underground den when his parents aren't looking.

And I think all of this just shows a wider flaw in human psychology that needs to be addressed. We can only fix issues if we recognize them, but our silly human monkey brains have a harder time recognizing problems that are subtle, but cause long-term, lasting damage.

How many kids never came home? How many families are saddled by grief and loss? Or worse: How many went missing for any number of other reasons, but got written off as another crab killing?

There is a silent catastrophe happening, like a slow-motion tsunami. It is just as destructive as a hundred Maryland Megacrabs, and not nearly as noticeable. Decades of quiet desperation, all overlooked for the sensational "Maryland Monster! Coming to theaters near you!"

More people need to understand that just because something is big and loud does not make it the most pressing issue. Our ability to perceive world issues needs to be more widely criticized. /end rant

[yurigalactica]

For the ask game: 15, 20, 31, 63, 70, 88, 99

:D

jinx hi!!! :D

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

honestly, i've never minded either. it always seems like i end up behind the camera though, or the only one of my friends with a camera out. i guess the reason i always have a camera out is because i really want to capture as many of the good memories as i can so i don't forget them. and i know that sometimes it makes me seem weird, but honestly, nothing brings me more joy than watching five-year-old videos of my friends fucking around and laughing in the backseat of our parents' cars. and especially lately it's strange to watch videos of my friends and i back when we were thirteen, since we're all eighteen now and we're so much different than we used to be. it really puts into perspective just how much we've all grown up. on another note, i got a polaroid camera for my 18th birthday about six months ago, and i've been burning so much of my money on film for it (like literally hundreds. film is so fucking expensive it hurts) but honestly i think it's worth it because now i have a massive wall of polaroid photos that are a little bit washed out, a little unfocused, and a short caption and the date written in my own hasty scrawl on the bottom. all of these memories, imperfect as they are, put up in a place where i can see them all the time, really reminds me that i'm not as alone as i think. and i can't wait to take more once i start college.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

my greatest weakness is my crippling anxiety. my greatest strength is my zoloft prescription. Get Owned dopamine imbalance

but in reality, my greatest weakness is definitely my anxiety. it's genuinely fucked me up in more ways than i can count, and looking back now, i'm shocked that i didn't realize that i was a severely anxious kid. my worst fear at age nine was dying slowly and painfully of heart disease, which i was fully convinced was going to happen to me. at age NINE. and i didn't even get officially diagnosed until i was sixteen??? what the fuck?????????? that's not a concern a normal nine year old should be having at all

my greatest strength, though, has gotta be my empathy. my experiences regarding my mental health struggles has been helpful in the sense that i know what it's like to feel really fucking awful. and i know it's something that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. so when someone talks to me about feeling like that, i feel like i can relate to them. and thus i feel like i can help them a little better. i'm in no way perfect, but i'm trying my best to be there for my friends when they need it, and that's gotta count for something.

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?

funnily enough i went to smell the air and i smelled smoke so i had to run around my house and apparently my father left the stove on before he left the house and the kitchen was filling with gas. fun times!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

probably just listening to people talk about what they like. i love it when people listen to me rant on and on and on about stuff i'm passionate about, so i've always assumed it's the same for other people. so far it's worked pretty well.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

not to sound cocky, but absolutely. part of the reason is probably because my love language is physical touch and...none of my irl friends are the same way. i have never platonically cuddled with the homies and that gives me the Big Sad™. i want a platonic bestie who i can cuddle with in bed and discuss my existential fears with. is that too much to ask for

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

a certain floridian politican that i shall not refer to by name. what the fuck did the trans kids do to you to make you hate them so damn much my dude

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

hating people who are different than you is never going to bring you any fulfilment. not everyone is going to adhere to your way of life, and you should stop expecting them to. the world is so much more beautiful with it's diversity, with all its people of different races, genders, sexualities, beliefs, religions, all of it. think of it as a field of wildflowers in a mountain valley. sure, a field of poppies is alright, but it's so much more breathtaking when it's also got cornflowers, asters, daisies, violets, alliums, and yarrows—when there's all different kinds of flowers growing in harmony together. when it's like that, it's got the whole rainbow spectrum. it feels like art. it feels complete. there's no reason to be afraid of people who are different than you, because we're all still people, with dreams and aspirations and hopes and fears and passions. we're all doing our best to be happy. it will never be worth it to try to take that away from someone. go live your life. let them live theirs.

[ronispadez]

beep. tell me about the worst blorboification?

Writing this line after I've already written everything else, my thoughts more in order: probably Dave Strider?

Now this is in order of my thought process:

After that whole Lucas rant in the last ask, I have no one else on the mind for this one. Lemme think for a sec. I also don't know exactly what blorboification means in this context, because this question just seems like the last one (what people always get wrong about a character)

But, Maybe Grif? Now, I haven't actually watched RvB all the way thru in a while, a year I think ⁉�� but to my memory, there are some details most people, including myself, miss about his character. They default to making him the lazy eating guy, which is true, the show defaults to that for him as well, but some people forget how clever he is when talking to Sarge a few times, or how scared he can get. To my knowledge at least. I'm kinda stretching it a bit here, because I think every character can have a bad case of blorboification. That's just how fandom goes. It's also heavily opinionated.

Again, since I already went on that rant about Lucas, I can't think of what's worse than him.

I think also I don't have an answer for this because I'm not in a fandom big enough to have hilariously bad telephone game happening with headcanons going off the rails. Not since... Since... Homestuck... Hm. (This is where I got my Dave answer from)

Perhaps also Riku suffers from the blorboification disease? Maybe he just suffers from "people get him wrong" (usually it's normal gamer bros who don't understand he's literally in love with Sora and not a rival. He wasn't even a rival in the first game really. He's never been a rival 💀 he's always been a friend, tho he goes a little off the rails in KH1 because of DARKNESS and Maleficent and Ansem. But I wouldn't call him a rival, unless you subscribe to them fighting over Kairi.... But that's getting into headcanon/theory/opinion territory)

Ougghhhhhhhhh I'm still just so upset about Lucas

God this post is a mess but I love talking

[cfs-crohns-colitis-warrior]

For once I’m actually excited about the future! Me and my boyfriend had a good chat the other day about where we want our relationship to go to make sure we’re in the same page, and it went very well.

We want the same stuff, and while I was always unsure whether I wanted kids, I now know I do want them with him, because I just feel like it’s something I can handle as long as he’s by my side. Which is just as well because having kids is a non negotiable for him, as long as he has at least one, but the good thing for me is he’s not fussed how we have kids, so he’s not expecting me to carry any of them if I don’t think my body can handle it. That’s one thing that always worried me about having them.

The other main worry I had about having kids one day is with CFS and Crohn’s Disease, I always have low energy and I always worried I wouldn’t cope. However, I’m currently in the process of trying to get an official diagnosis (since I never actually got one before due to miscommunications from doctors and have to go thro if g the whole spiel again) and with that I should at least be able to go to the doctors and say I’m struggling with it and if they can give me anything that will help they’re more likely to. Regardless of that, my mum also has CFS and she managed to do so well raising me and my brother, while my dad worked a lot and spent a lot of time away for work, and while she was understandably exhausted a lot, she managed it, and is doing better these days now she’s post menopause. This gives me hope that I can do it too, even though I do also have Crohn’s disease in the mix.

My boyfriend also discussed this with me and I told him I was worried everything would fall on him and he’s sure I’ll manage with his support, and as long as the majority doesn’t fall on him then it’ll be fine. Plus, that’s what grandparents and aunts and uncles are there for: to help out! I know kids are very unpredictable, but I do hope to teach them from the very beginning that I have low energy and am not well and might need more help than other people, and therefore also can’t play with them as much as I want to etc, but I’ll always try my best. I feel like I was taught very early on that my mum needed help with things and I always wanted to help with the cleaning when I could, so maybe my kids will grow up in a similar way. That’s not a given, of course, I know that, especially if they’re not my biological kids and don’t have our DNA that tells them they like things clean lol, but I feel like as long as we do our best to teach them these things early on, and as long as we work as a team and everything we should be okay…

With that weird kid related rant over, back to my point, that I’m finally looking forward to the future and know what to expect, even if I don’t know when to expect it. I know we wanna move in together before any other big things happen, and we’re gonna have disagreements and lots of compromising to do on getting a house, and money will play a major issue, but I believe we can do it. After that, I know we’ll get engaged sometime, and have a decent length engagement before we get married, and at some point we’ll look into how we can have kids and how we want to and have them. Knowing this stuff will happen is a weight off my mind, because I know I’ll have the kind of life I always wished for as a kid, even if I do have chronic illnesses mixed in. For once I’m actually super excited for the future, and I can’t quite believe that I have one with a boyfriend and all this other stuff in it. I was convinced my future would be still living with my parents, unable to move out and live alone, and no partner to love and love me back. While I became content with having that as my future, I’m still super happy now that it is going to be different than what I expected. Happy days for me right now.

[taleasnewastime]

The Ick

Summary: You’re not picky you just have standards. Ok, maybe they’re very high standards, but why shouldn’t they be? You’ve not about to settle for anyone. You’re not about to spend the rest of your life with someone who changes the channel half-way through a show you’re watching or who wears sock with sandals or loose boxer shorts. No. Because all of things bring on that terrible feeling, the cool dread that creates unattraction. You’ve caught the ick from every guy you’ve dated, but all it takes is one comment to make you realise that there’s one man in your life who has never made you feel it. And while that should be exciting, the fact he’s your best friend makes things a little complicated.

Pairing: Hoseok x reader

Genre: Friends to lovers; angst; fluff.

Word count: 6k

Warnings: Swearing, apologies if you do any of the things that reader hates, kissing? Mentions of sex though no descriptions, drinking alcohol, idk not too much.

Authors Note: Inspired by the song The Ick by Panic Shack which I am currently obsessed with. I hope you enjoy :) 

You’ve been hanging out for a while. It’s been nice, chilled. He’s into space. Like, really into space. Planets and black holes and stars and shit. He has this massive telescope where he looks at the night sky. One of your firsts dates was star-gazing, picnic blanket and him point out the different constellations and all. He’s passionate and it’s cool.

He’s opened up about different things in his life he finds tough and has listened when you’ve done the same. It’s nice, to have someone you’re so close with who listens. There was a time when a guy  got too close to you at the pub and he’s stood up for you. He’s sensitive but tough, the perfect ratio.

The sex is good too, which isn’t everything in a relationship, but is also pretty crucial.

You thought things were going well. As well as things can be going after only a couple of weeks of knowing each other. Which is longer than a lot of your relationships. There wasn’t any red flags or things that put you off. You thought maybe this could be it. Maybe Dan is the one.

But then one morning you saw it.

You’d stayed at his and when you went into the kitchen after just waking up, he was already boiling the kettle. You kissed his cheek as you watched him make you a cuppa.

He got the mug.

Pulled the milk out the fridge.

The kettle was still boiling as he unscrewed the milk cap.

You couldn’t believe your eyes.

He put the milk in first!

Who puts the milk in first?

You didn’t think anyone actually put the milk in first.

He was oblivious to your inner turmoil. Just continued to make your now tainted tea. The water was white when he poured it in, disgusting. And you watched as he stewed the water with cold milk mixed in. You couldn’t drink it. You needed to get out.

When you look at Dan’s face everything is different. There’s no attraction there anymore. You don’t find him good looking at all, even struggle to see what you may ever have found attractive. Even sitting in the living room listening to one of his passionate rants makes you cringe.

It happens with everyone you’ve been with. Everything seemingly fine until one small thing changes everything. That thing you can’t unsee that makes a chill run through you. Something you always catch from every guy, a disease that changes your whole perspective of a person.

He’s given you the ick.

“No,” Kat dramatically elongates the word. “Not Dan too. I liked Dan. We liked Dan. I thought you liked Dan?”

“He put the milk in first.”

“But you said the sex was great?” She carries on. “That’s more than you can say about Rudolf.”

“Yeah, but he put the milk in the tea first. I’m sorry but who does that?”

“Posh people?”

You roll your eyes, point proven surely. Kat doesn’t give in as easily. You watch as she turns in desperation to the other person in the room, hoping for some support.

“Please, Hoseok, you liked Dan.”

You flick your eyes to your right looking at the man who hasn’t said a word since you announced you’d ended it with Dan. He’s still working his way through a mouthful of the bacon bap he made earlier. He’s got fluffy hair today, the strands died back to black having previously been a near florescent blonde. He’s in black sweats with a large black top on, pretty casual from his normal more colourful looks.

He swallows then looks up and between you and Kat.

“I always thought the whole space thing was a bit odd,” his tone a verbal shrug.

You look at Kat smug. She looks back annoyed.

“That has nothing to do with adding the milk in first.”

You shrug, lean back in your seat now you’ve won. Though you were hardly about to take Dan back if Hoseok took Kat’s side. It’s just she does this every time you tell her you’ve ended it with someone, so any advantage you’ll gladly take. Hoseok is on your side. Even if the reason he didn’t like Dan is different. That’s a win for you. And if the sigh Kat lets out is anything to go by, she agrees.

He’s cute. The guy dancing in the group next to yours that keeps glancing your way.

You’re slightly inebriated but you can still tell he’s good looking. Short hair. Dark eyes. A sharp jaw line and strong cheekbones. Yeah, he’s hot.

It’s you that makes the first move. Though you try to be subtle about the fact you want him to follow you to the bar, in your drunken state you pretty much point between the two of you and then at the bar. You may have been less subtle if you just held up a sign.

Still, he follows you.

His arm is almost touching yours as you join the small crowd that’s gathered around the bar. You smile but don’t look up at him.

“What’s your name?” His breath fans across your face as he places his lips near your ear.

You look at him. He’s pulled away but is still close so he can hear your answer. You don’t miss the way his eyes flick down to your lips.

You shrug in reply to his question and one of his eyebrows raises, his smile widening.

“Ah,” he says. “So you’re one of them?”

You’re not sure if it’s meant to be a compliment or not. “One of what?”

“Those girls who pretend to be mysterious, hoping to draw innocent guys like me in.”

You scoff. “I’m not mysterious and I doubt you’re innocent.”

You only hear his hum when his head is next to yours. His lips once again right by your ear. When he talks it’s all bass.

“Maybe you’ll get to find out just how innocent I am later.”

“Is that a threat?”

“More a promise.”

Your stomach ties in a knot and you struggle to keep your smile looking so smooth and easy as he draws away. In contrast his smile is cock sure, as if he knows exactly the effect he’s had on you.

His hand goes to the small of your back, prompting you to step forward and take the empty spot that’s just opened up at the bar. Completely consumed by him, you hadn’t noticed.

“What do you want?” He asks.

“Uh,” you look away from him, try to clear your head as you look instead at the bartender. You shout your order across the bar, holding up you fingers to help signal you want a double.

When you look back at the man your stomach drops.

He’s looking down at something, the same something that made your heart reverse its beating.

He’s pulling a card out of his phone case.

Not the back of his phone. No, because that would be fine. It’s out one of the many pockets.

Because he has a flip phone case.

One of the ones your mum has.

You look up at his face, he’s still focused on paying but you can still feel it. That cool dread. That slight sick feeling. The lingering disgust. He’s done it in record time. He’s given you the ick.

Your skin prickles now not with excitement but with dread. You need to escape but don’t want to just run. For one he’s bought you a drink. For another it’s rude.

You search for your escape as he slips his phone back in his pocket and picks up your drinks. You gladly take yours off him and take a long cool gulp. He chuckles, his face still lit up, completely unaware of your change in feelings.

“I, uh, I need to go to the loo.”

His face dips a little, the smallest tic to show his unease. You don’t let him talk, start to walk backwards away from him a forced smile on your lips.

“I won’t be long. I’ll meet you on the dance floor.”

You don’t know if your words reach him or wait for a response, just twist and fight your way through the crowds of people.

You hand Hoseok your drink before grabbing his elbow and tugging him away from the spot he was dancing in. He doesn’t protest, a sign you’ve at least not dragged him away from a potential pull. Not that you’d care if you had. This is an emergency after all.

He’s downed the drink when you make it to the entrance of the club, too close to the toilets for your liking but at least quieter.

“You ready to go?”

He frowns. “No.”

“Ok great. You didn’t bring a jacket, did you?”

His smile broadens as he seems to catch on to what’s caused this panic. It doesn’t put any urgency into his actions.

“What was it this time?”

“Flip phone case.”

“Like a mum?”

His tone as well as the fact he’s voiced the same thing that went through your head sends a jolt of joy through you, but you only level him with a steady look. It only confirms what he’s said, which only makes his smile deepen.

“Definitely a no then,” he says with no sense that he’s teasing you.

You loop your arm through his and he lets you drag him out into the night. All the way home he lets you rant about the many reasons why no one should own a flip phone case. He keeps his arm looped with yours the whole way and with your side pressed against his you can feel as well as hear the chuckles he lets out with every one of your reasons. By the time you’re home you’re feeling much better.

“Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”

“Of course you will.”

“It doesn’t feel that way sometimes.”

Hoseok doesn’t reply to that, and though his eyes are firmly on the TV, you know it’s not because he’s ignoring you.

You’re lay across one of your sofa’s, Hoseok sat on the chair next to you with his feet up. You’re both trying your best to sling your hangovers off. Yours is just making you feel more dramatic about life.

“I can’t believe he had a flip phone,” you moan not for the first time. “He was so hot.”

“Doesn’t mean anything about his personality.”

“Clearly!”

Hoseok chuckles, the noise only spurs you on. Or maybe it’s the fact that he always seems to get it. He may just be entertaining your ideas, but he never shuts them down like Kat does and you like that.

“All men are gross.”

“Hey,” he turns his head to glare a little at you. “Not all men.”

“Fine. Not you.”

“Thank you,” he says, going back to the show on screen.

“Because you’d never have a flip phone case or put the milk in first or shush me in the cinema.”

“Never.”

“Why can’t all men just be like you?” You sigh.

The question goes unanswered.

You go on more dates as the weeks pass, end up being with some guys for varying amounts of time before the ick feeling creeps up on you.

There’s one guy who turns up to your date on an electric scooter. An instant no.

The next guy makes it a night. And then when you’re sat in front of the TV watching Drag Race he pulls off his socks and starts to pick at his toes. You feel a little sick. No surprise when you don’t call him again.

The final guy doesn’t make it far either. He’s only late by a few minutes to your first date, something that annoys you, but you can look over when he has a valid excuse ready. But when he does it a second time you can’t move on from it.

You decide to take a break from dating, at least don’t actively look to go out with anyone.

Men are crap, but you do wonder if you’re attracting a certain breed. Or maybe you are just overly picky.

It’s best if you step off the market for a while.

The trouble is, with your mind unoccupied, that’s when it happens, or more that’s when you notice it.

Maybe it’s because you’re not dating, not meeting men or having any sex. Though you doubt it. You’re not so obsessed with any of that to not be able to go a few weeks without it.

Maybe it’s because you’re spending more time with your friends, the evenings you would be dating taken up with them instead. Or more with him.

Or maybe it’s because of the comment he made all those weeks ago. How he would never be like any of the men you’ve dated. It’s subconsciously stuck in your brain that you’ve started to pick up on his traits.

But you start realising that it’s true.

Hoseok really isn’t like any of the guys you’ve dated. Because all those things that have given you the ick, he would never be caught dead doing.

He always cleans the dishes when he’s done even if it’s not his own house. He’s conscious of his fashion choices. He doesn’t pick his nails or chew loudly. He’s not perfect but you’ve never felt disgusted by him. Sure, you’ve also never felt like you want to have sex with him. But the more you think about it you realise maybe you could like him as more than a friend. Maybe you do want to have sex with him …

“You walking home?”

“Huh?” You look to your left, turning away from saying goodbye to your friend Amy. You’re heating before you even make eye contact. You’ve never felt nervous around Hoseok before, yet now you can’t help but feel all jittery in his presence.

“Are you walking home?” He smiles at you as if amused.

“Uh,” you continue to stall, looking back at Amy for help, but she’s already disappeared. You look back at Hoseok who waits patiently for your answer. “Yeah?”

“Great,” he twists his body in the direction of home. “Then, shall we?”

You nod, follow his lead while leaving a good distance between you.

If he reads anything into your strange behaviour, he doesn’t say anything. You just walk side by side, both of you silently keeping the distance you created. It’s hard to believe that a few weeks ago you walked home arm in arm. You’d never dream of doing that now.

“So what do you think about Maisie’s news?”

“Huh?”

There’s a small frown between his eyebrows when you look at him and you scold yourself into listening to him and not overthinking this.

“Maisie’s engagement news?”

“Oh right,” you chuckle, though it sounds flat. “Yeah, I really wasn’t expecting that. Though, I guess it isn’t really a surprise. She’s been talking about wanting to get married for ages now.”

“Just seems a bit of rush doesn’t it.”

You hum. It’s only been eight months since they met, which is fine, it’s just there are other considerations in these things.

“What do you think of Steve?”

“He seems alright,” Hoseok says and the tone he uses makes you look at him and lift an eyebrow. It seems you walked into his trap if the beaming smile you’re met with is anything to go. It makes you snap your head forward as your skin heats to a hundred degrees. “He’s a bit odd isn’t he?”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“How would you put it?”

“Uh,” he sounds so interested, as if he really cares about your opinion. Does he always sound that way, or is it something you’re reading into too much now with your change in feelings? “I kind of worry he might be a bit controlling?”

“Really?”

“Didn’t you notice how she had to ask him if it was ok if she downloaded that app? And she’s talking about changing her job. It wasn’t long ago she was going on about how much she loves her job.”

He pauses for a second, really considering your words. You can see he agree with you by the way his face changes, but his next words aren’t what you expect.

“Are you ok?” He clarifies with the shock on your face. “It can’t have been nice for you to witness that.”

You focus on the path ahead rather than him. He’s being way too soft with you right now. It’s not like it’s unusual, it’s just you’re trying to bury your feelings for him. He’s not helping with that.

“You were there too. You saw it too,” you mutter.

“Yeah, but you guys are close.”

You shrug. “It’s not nice, but she’s happy. We’ll just have to watch out for her.”

“Of course.”

“Anyway,” you pick up your voice hoping to pick up the mood. “The wedding will be great.”

“It will definitely be quite the party.”

“That’s something to look forward to.”

He hums in agreement. There’s a few seconds of silence and then he’s talking again, changing the subject though you guess it also links to weddings.

“I’ve noticed you’ve not gone on many dates recently.”

It was brought up at the meal you just had. But Hoseok saying it now feels completely different. You felt like you could laugh it off early, you don’t feel that way now. If he had said it a few weeks ago you wouldn’t have even blinked, now you can’t even reply.

“Everything alright?” It’s not said condescending, as if implying you’re a slut. It’s said with a little concern but only because he’s noticed your change in routine and wants to check in on you.

“Yep,” you say a little too high pitched.

“You sure?” He pokes a little. “Because you know you can always talk to me about anything.”

Not in this case. “Yeah, of course,” you say instead.

He nods, not looking convinced but not pushing you anymore. “Well lets hope you find someone in time for the wedding.”

“Yeah,” you mutter and then make an effort to change the conversation to something that couldn’t be linked to romance or dating. You manage to make it all the way home with no more awkwardness.

You’re normally not shy when it comes to someone you like. You’re happy to make the first move, to make it obvious you like them, to ask them on a date. With Hoseok it’s different.

He’s your friend. And that means so much more than just risking losing him. It goes beyond him to your friendship group. It means you have way more history to consider. It means that you may be reading more into things which he’s probably always done, only now you’re wondering if it’s because maybe he likes you back.

It’s complicated.

And you hate it.

You wish you’d never realised how nice he is. No, you wish you hadn’t realised how hot he is, because you’ve always realised what a nice guy he is. Now you just also see how incredibly attractive he is too.

Who wears a beanie to brunch? Hoseok, apparently. And he does it while looking utterly adorable with strands of hair poking out. He wears oversized t-shirts, so big that they slip a little on his shoulders revealing collar bones you could bite. He has a large endearing, overly excited smile on his face when he shows you his painted nails one day. You would never have thought you’d find painted nails so attractive before.

You’re a mess. You fear you may be delusional. But the more time you spend with Hoseok the more you see and the hotter you find him.

He’s your best friend. How can this be happening? You’re only hope is that he does something soon that gives you the ick and places him firmly back in the friendzone.

That day never comes.

“I’ve realised something.”

“What?” Kat says sounding half distracted.

“There’s someone I don’t get the ick with.”

“Okay …”

“Why don’t you sound more excited?”

“Because I’m worried you’re going to say me, and I love you, but I don’t love you like that.”

You glare at her, she just shoots you a sarcastic smile.

“Ok. Just tell me who it is,” Kat says.

“Hoseok.”

She laughs. Proper belly chuckles. And when you don’t join in it slowly dies until her face is filled with concern.

“I’m sorry. What?”

Silence. You can’t get your words out, maybe because your mind is a scrambled mess after finally admitting it aloud; it sounds so different in the openness of the room rather than in the confines of your mind. Or maybe because Kat doesn’t let you have the room to talk.

“Hoseok. As in, Hoseok? Our friend? Hobi?”

“Yes?” You mutter, sounding unsure yourself.

“But, like, that’s the same thing as me, right? You know, because we’re friends and you don’t get the ick because he’s a friend and there’s nothing romantic there.”

You think you have a grimace on your face, at least a look that shows you’re just as lost as Kat is. She seems to be getting more desperate with every word that leaves her lips and it’s doing nothing to calm you down.

“Right?”

The longer the silence goes on the more desperate Kat looks. You near to tear this off like a plaster.

“I don’t think so?”

“You don’t think so.”

“No?”

“Please, tell me how,” she asks, only you’re not entirely sure how to explain it.

“I’m not sure,” she levels you a look that tells you she wants you to try. “Ok. Uh, I mean I don’t really know when it happened because I think the same as you, Hoseok’s just Hoseok. But I don’t know he made a comment that made me realise he’s never done any of the things that have turned me off people before and I just kind of started seeing him differently because of it.”

She pauses, considering.

“Have you had a fall?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Not had a ball thrown at your head or walked into a beam or something?”

“I’m being serious.”

“Ok,” she says looking like she’s transforming into damage control Kat. Good, you need damage control Kat. “Ok. Well, have you asked him what he thinks.”

“Are you mad?” You screech.

“Ok, of course you haven’t,” she pauses and then looks at you in a sheepish way that means you’re not about to like what she’s going to say. “But maybe you should?”

“Should what?” You know what she means, just can’t believe she’s saying it.

“Should ask him what he thinks of you.”

“Uh, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” you pause, “it’s Hoseok!”

“Exactly, he’ll understand.”

“I’m not asking him.”

“And he won’t laugh you out of the room or make it awkward after. He’ll be fine.”

“I said I’m not doing it.”

She gives you a look that sends a different type of dread to course through you.

“And you’re not asking him either,” you warn.

She pouts, disappointed. You regret ever admitting it to her.

“Forget I ever said anything,” you say. “I’m sure I’ll get over it soon.”

“Maybe you just need to get back out there. Go on some dates.”

“Sure,” you say, though you don’t convince anyone.

You should never have told Kat, because now you have the added stress that she’s going to say something. It’s not that you think she’d go behind your back, more that she’ll say something without thinking. But you don’t feel prepared to say anything to Hoseok yourself.

You’re sat at your friends nervously nursing a drink. Your friend, Ali, is sat next to you talking but you can hardly concentrate because Hoseok and Kat are talking together across the room.

Hoseok is laughing about something. Doing that utterly endearing thing where his whole body flounders around with every laugh. His drink looks like it’s going to go everywhere, though there isn’t much left.

Kat doesn’t look guilty, in fact she looks a little smug about having such a receptive audience. It doesn’t look like she’s spilling your secrets and though they’re having their own conversation you doubt she would say anything in a room full of people. Still, you feel on edge as you watch them.

You engage in conversation with Ali enough to not be rude. But most of your attention is on the conversation happening across the room.

You feel like dying when they both stand and head out of the room.

They’re clearly just getting refills. But the fact they’re doing it together makes you even jittery. Out of sight they could be doing anything.

It’s not helped that they take longer than it would take to pour the beers they come back with.

And the smug look Kat shoots you before taking your seat only makes you feel sicker.

She’s meddling. You just can’t work out how. Because Hoseok doesn’t even look your way. He acts normally – more than you can say about yourself. You have to accept you’re getting too fidgety about this whole thing and just need to trust that Kat isn’t going to say or do anything.

She may be your best friend, but you don’t trust her, not in this situation anyway. You keep an eye on them the entire night only to see no suspicious activity.

When it finally comes out, it’s not how you would have planned. Something that’s reflected in your reaction.

You’re drunk and back in that same club from all those weeks ago where you met the guy with the flip phone case. Only this time you only have eyes for Hoseok.

You giggle as he spins you around. His hands in yours as he pulls you close and then pushes you away. It feels like you’re at a ball rather than at a club.

He pulls you close again but as you move you trip a little and rather than the smooth movement it’s supposed to be, you fall into him. His hands move from yours to your hips to steady you. Your hands on his chest. All you can think is how firm it is and maybe that’s why you liger a little longer than necessary.

Hoseok doesn’t pull you away, let’s you stay pushed up against his chest.

When you look up at him, he’s already looking down. His smile has dropped off his face the same way yours has.

The music sounds so far away now. Blood filling your ears. You watch as his eyes flicking between your eyes, but it’s like gravity the way they get drawn to his lips. It’s inevitable.

You push up into him. The movement is so fast that it catches both of you off guard.

Your lips are on his and while you thought maybe that would be the thing that might finally break all these feelings towards him. You thought maybe you’d be grossed out by it, maybe you’d hate the feeling, or he’d be bad at it. You were wrong. They’re firm yet mouldable, they taste sweet like the drinks he’s had tonight. There’s nothing bad about it, in fact it only makes you like him more.

You push further into him, deepen the kiss a little before realising what you’re doing, who you’re kissing.

You’re breathless when you pull away, eyes blown wide as you look at Hoseok. You don’t run away immediately, stay stood in his arms trying to read the situation.

It’s him that goes in for a second kiss. His head angling to the side to make it that much deeper, his hands squeezing your hips the same way his lips are squeezing yours. You arch your back into him, let out a little unheard moan when his tongue sweeps across your lips. You let him in and his tongue is just as skilled as his lips, just as sweet too.

It takes another second for realisation to dawn. You’re too stuck in the kiss, too caught up in how good it feels to want it to stop. But you’re kissing Hoseok, your best friend, the guy you’ve had so many mixed feelings for. This isn’t how you wanted this to go, because although you don’t know how you want it to go, you don’t want it to be some drunk kiss in a club that ultimately makes things awkward. You wanted to talk to him first, not kiss him before you discuss his feelings.

And god, he’s drunk. He probably doesn’t even realise you’re you right now, might think you’re a random girl. He’s not in his right mind. You’re probably taking advantage of him.

When you pull away from him this time it’s more powerful. You rip yourself out of his arms so that you’re stood a few steps away. He looks confused for a second, but he must see the panic on your face. Before he can take a step towards you, you hold your hands up. He stays where he is, doesn’t say anything, let’s you battle it out in your head.

You do what you always do when you want to get away from a man in the club, and the hurt written all over Hoseoks face lets you know he knows what you’re doing. You always do it with him around after all. Still, he doesn’t follow, a small blessing if nothing else and annoyingly another thing that makes you like him more.

“I’m going to the loo,” you say before you turn and make your escape from the club.

“You walking home?”

You really need to move house. If not so you can walk the opposite way home to Hoseok then to a new city completely. But past you didn’t think about the fact Hoseok would be walking you home tonight, so now you have to have this utterly awkward situation.

You turn to Hoseok, small, fake smile on your lips. You wish the ground would swallow you up.

“Uh, yeah.”

You fall into step like you always do, glad that tonight you’re not too far from home. The walk shouldn’t be too long.

It’s awkward. You haven’t spoke since the kiss. It was only two nights ago, but still you would have at least text since then, but it’s been radio silence on both sides. You have no idea what to expect, have no idea what Hoseok thinks of the whole situation, and you’ve not tried to find out.

“You alright?”

You’re not sure if he means now or just in general. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye, you can see he’s looking at you. You feel a little sick.

“Good,” you reply, giving him nothing.

There’s a pause and then the thing you really didn’t want to happen happens.

“You sure?” He pauses. “Because you ran really fast out of the club the other night.”

When you glance at him, he’s not looking at you. His ears are tinted pink. It does nothing to help your mortification knowing he’s embarrassed. You shoot your head to look forward.

“Uh, you remember that?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh right, just because I thought you were drunk.”

“Clearly not drunk enough to forget it.”

“Oh right.”

Well, this is awkward. You blame him. You’d have happily buried and never spoken about what happened ever again. It’s him that clearly wants to see this friendship crash and burn.

“So, you’re ok?” His voice is softer, possibly a little worried. And now you feel guilty, does he think that you’re blaming him for this whole thing? You did bolt out of that place and haven’t spoken to him since, that does send a certain message.

“Yeah,” you say, trying to sound less tense about the whole thing. It’s hard. “I guess I just panicked a little.”

He pauses, considering your words in that way he always does. “I get that.”

“And I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you.”

You catch him looking at you out of the corner of your eye and though you don’t look his way you can imagine the small frown between his eyebrows. He looks forward again before speaking.

“Why would I think that?”

Is he being serious? “Because I kissed you?”

“Ok?”

You’re lost. Are you having different conversations right now? Because he’s clearly not understanding your perfectly reasonable explanation and you’re not understanding why he’s so confused.

“What part of this aren’t you following?” You ask and he seems to completely ignore the question.

“You know I’ve liked you for a while, right?”

“What?”

“Surely Kat told you?”

You shake your head, frowning. You try thinking back on anything she could have said that might have indicated such a thing. You come back empty.

“She asked me what I thought about you at that party recently,” he says. “Actually, it was kind of weird. She kept rambling on about how good she thought we’d be together, which she’s never implied before. Anyway, she finally managed to get out the fact that I like you and have for a while.”

Is that why they took so long in the kitchen? That bitch. You’re going to kill her.

“I thought maybe,” he drifts off but you hear the unspoken words. I thought maybe that’s why you kissed me in the club. Because you knew I liked you too.

Oh god. So maybe you weren’t taking advantage of him the other night. Maybe he was kissing you back because he wanted to. Maybe you’ve completely misread this whole thing and made it way more complicated than it needed to be.

You stop dead in the middle of the pavement. Hoseok takes two steps before realising you’re no longer following. You watch as he turns to look at you.

You close the gap. Slowly walk forwards as you talk.

“You like me?” You ask, stepping forward.

“Yeah.”

“As more than a friend?”

He pauses a beat before deciding he’s already admitted as much. “Yeah.”

“So what do you want now?” You pause, now stood toe to toe with him. “Want do you want between us?”

His eyes stutter before dipping to your lips. It’s answer enough.

As his eyes drag back to yours, you watch as his mouth opens to reply. You close the final bit of distance between you, press your lips to his and steal whatever words he was about to say. There’s a small whelp of surprise before Hoseok melts into you.

It’s a slower kiss than in the club. He doesn’t taste as sweet but he’s still delicious. And standing in the middle of the pavement annoyingly means the kiss is shorter than you’d like. Still, as you pull away from each other you stay in each other’s arms.

He laughs and shakes his head as you just beam at him. But you agree with the laugh, you’re both so stupid.

“Just talk to me, ok?” He smiles, almost laughing the words. “If there’s something I do that you don’t like, just tell me. I promise I’ll try to not annoy you.”

“It’s not annoyance,” you roll your eyes. “It’s more disgust?”

He smiles. Doesn’t mock or joke. He just accepts it.

“Still, you’ll talk to me, right? Even if it’s not something I can fix?”

“I’ll try.”

“Try?”

The hand that’s on your back moves a little so he can pinch your side. You squeak as you move, head rolling on the pillow that it’s lay on, feet tangling a little more with Hoseoks.

“Ok,” you laugh, focus going back to Hoseok. “I’ll tell you.”

Leaning forward he pecks your lips before kissing your nose and drawing away.

You smile at him, grow a like shy so twist and dip your head onto his chest. His arm tights around your back, drawing you that much closer to him. You can feel the rumble through his chest as he laughs at your reaction. You just feel so overwhelmed with feelings towards him, have never felt them this strongly before and lay in his arms in your bed just makes it all that much more bizarre.

But it’s a good bizarre, an amazing bizarre. You can’t wait to spend years and years with him exactly like this.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

hello darling, how are you doing!!

has jared padalecki always been this problematic or is this a more recent development???

have a wonderful day!!! love ❤️

hello, dear!

jared has always had some... issues. for years, it seemed like it was largely foot-in-mouth disease or straight white man syndrome, as he had a tendency to just blurt out stupid or inappropriate things without considering the ramifications of what he was saying. tbh, i defended him for a long time, because i genuinely thought that he had a good heart and occasional diarrhea of the mouth.

looking back, however, there are red flags that we didn't want to acknowledge. probably the biggest issues have been the way he's treated service employees and how his 'pranks' evolved into sexually harassing and assaulting his coworkers. there was also his 'wrestling' habit.

the point at which jared "jumped the shark", so to speak, started around the time of the spn finale and as we learned more about walker, at which point it became apparent that he had chosen to sell himself to right wing racists and bootlickers to advance his career. i wrote this post last year explaining what was upsetting about jared's behavior re: the finale and how his involvement with walker is bigoted.

then last june came jared's epic twitter meltdown ("et tu brute"gate) over the prequel news, which furthered people's bad opinion of him and intensified rumors that jensen and he have grown apart/jensen is distancing himself from jared. i contributed to a post explaining the whole situation.

he also complained about having to take care of his children and stated he was glad that sam didn't end up with eileen. i think we all know that the only reason why that would be is that she's Deaf.

THEN at the first con since the finale, jared interrupted jensen as he answered a question about destiel and went on a two-minute-long homophobic rant wherein he compared being gay to incest and pedophilia and was in general horrendously offensive.

so yeah, that's What's Happened With Jared over the last few years. we're going to call this the official What Happened With Jared post. feel free to let me know if there's anything significant i missed.

[24-0z]

I know this makes absolutely no sense and could hardly even happen but I need this so here's the aftg headcannon that no one asked for :

It all started with the sound of someone humming , it wasn't loud or obnoxious but since they were all currently in the gym doing tedious workout routines it surprised Neil.

Looking behind his shoulder he could see Dan laying in the floor stretching with her earbuds on with a focused face, nothing out of the ordinary there but what truly shocked him was that he could recognize the song she was humming. Neil smiled to himself for recognizing the song since from day one, the foxes had been very passionate about the pop culture that Neil knew or did not know, but whatever, jokes on them because he knew this one.

It was a rather catchy song, he didn't remember the name but in a few seconds he found himself also humming along with it . He could see by the corner of his eye some heads popping up to look at something but he didn't look to see what it was, time to focus and do this damn squats or Kevin would have his throat.

But that's when he heard it, not far from him, somewhere to his left Nicky was looking a him with an incredulous look in his face while singing some of the first lines of the song.

I want your ugly, I want your disease

I want your everything as long as it's free I want your love

The look in his eyes was divided between curiosity and a challenge, a challenge for Neil to sing the song and prove that he did know some music culture. Well Nicky, take this

He looked at Nicky straight in the eyes with a smirk in his face and joined him in the second verse, shock and happiness exploded in the man in front of him .

I want your drama, the touch of your hand ,I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand , I want your love

He could now see clearly that the heads that popped up were looking at him and Nicky, and while he wasn't stupid and something like signing was not a thing he usually did there was no need for these crowd, still a challenge was a challenge and he would not let Nicky make him listen to whole albums of random people he couldn't care less of. Again.

Suddenly another voice came up, Renee was doing push ups next to where Andrew and Aaron where lifting and joined them. She didn't stop working out like Nicky did and since Neil had never stopped doing squads he was the only one that looked stupid standing doing nothing, still , it was like everyone was holding their breath, waiting for something to mess this up, to stop the new thing that Neil was doing.

But when nothing happened and the world didn't explode, Matt and Allison joined them without messing a beat.

You now that I want you, and you know that I need you , I want it bad, your bad romance

It was a weird thing when suddenly Dan took her earbuds out of her phone and put it at maximum volume just for the chorus to appear making the whole room fill with the noise of at least five college students singing, some at the top of their lungs ( Nicky / Matt / Dan) .

I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance

I want your love and all your lover's revenge, you and me could write a bad romance

Even from where he was standing he could clearly see the disappointed face Kevin was making at their smiling faces ,but the upperclassmen had a thing of making Neil do things like this and to be honest, their fun was contagious. And he could also see Kevin moving his head to the rhythm so jokes on him.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh, oh-oh-oh

Caught in a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh, oh-oh-oh

Caught in a bad romance

Nicky was now dancing from place to place dramatically with the song meeting everyone to their working out places to fake hold a microphone to make them sing with him.

With Dan for the next part

I want your horror, I want your design

'Cause you're a criminal as long as you're mine

I want your love, love, love, love

I want your love

And with Allison for

I want your psycho, your vertigo shtick

Want you in my rear window, baby, you're sick

I want your love, love, love, love

I want your love

And from the distance he sang with Neil

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

I want it bad, your bad romance

But when the chorus broke again and Nicky run toward Renee , Neil noticed two matching faces that wore very different reactions to the whole scene in front of them. Aaron had a scowl on top of a disgusted face but what else was new , still he looked with a sort of curiosity to the whole thing. Now Andrew, Andrew had still his empty face but his raised eyebrows gave away the amusement hidden within. He was looking at him and the eye contact made Neil shiver but also set and idea at the back of his mind.

Nicky left running to the other end of the room while singing

Walk, walk, fashion baby

Work it, move that bitch crazy

So that he could make Kevin sing the upcoming part in French but Neil had his attention elsewhere . He looked away from Andrew and moved towards him as the song went on

I want your love, and I want your revenge

I want your love, I don't wanna be friends

He stood in front of Andrew and looked defiantly into his eyes, his face wouldn't betray a thing but his eyes were burning. He reached with his arm to grab one of the gym weights at Andrews left and looked him dead in the eyes as he said

J'veux ton amour, et je veux ta revanche

J'veux ton amour, I don't wanna be friends

No, I don't wanna be friends

I don't wanna be friends, want your bad romance

Caught in a bad romance

Want your bad romance

He could see the tips of Andrew's ears turning red as the song broke again with the chorus, so with a final teasing smile , he turned on his heels and left. The song was ending anyways so it was time to head back to training .

But as he was positioning himself for the weight lifting , he saw all the upperclassmen smiling at each other between laughs and , hell even Kevin had a half smile in his face. He looked at every one of them his a smile of his own, but he risked a final look at Andrew who was suddenly going in his direction . Neil panicked and started rethinking if the whole song thing had been a good idea and if Andrew was mad with him, but Andrew slowly walked behind him and slid a hand to the lower part of his back , gently and softly enough for Neil to have goosebumps . Andrew looked him in the eye and with no words left the gym ignoring Kevin's ranting of the importance of gym days and why he shouldn't leave, so Neil gathered all his stuff quietly and quickly and slipped away from the gym by the other door walking decidedly to the nearest bathrooms just to be pushed against the door the minute he walked in, and was greeted by a "yes or no" question.

It ended with kisses and with the whole fox team surprised that Neil could sing but it was still good ending.

[natromanxoff]

25 - Just Chatting...

Hello one and all.

It's been a long time since I graced these pages and, believe it or not, nothing much has been happening in my life, apart from the odd soiree or two. Winter has finally left us and spring has sprung, and it's nice to see the sun again. Let's start by wishing my old mate a happy birthday and I hope you all had a little drinkie for him, I know I did. In fact I got legless, he would have been proud of me. Whenever we were in London there was always a party at Fred's on his birthday, be it a handful of friends, or one where he invited half of Britain, but which ever one it was there was always a good time to be had and a lot of chaos. One year he actually took over Pikes Hotel in Ibiza and chartered a private plane to fly his friends in. Roger and myself were already on the island recording some of his solo stuff so we didn't have far to travel to the bash. When I say we were working, it's kind of true as we spent a lot of time on his boat "Ga Ga" whizzing around having lunch and fun. The party was held outside around the swimming pool, now is that an invite for trouble or what? There were hundreds of balloons hanging from every available fixture, and of course there is always an idiot that thinks he's a clown. This particular clown, who will remain nameless, decided it would be funny to light one of the balloons, and needless to say the whole lot went up in flames. Phoebe and Crystal to the rescue. We had to get this "fire" off the wooden rafters before the whole hotel went up in smoke, so we were pulling bits of string while burning rubber was dripping down on us. I was so traumatised by the whole event I had to have another drink ....... a lame excuse I know, but hey, it's my story. Back to the pool. Edwin Shirley, of trucking fame and also an all round good guy after a few too many, decided to have a swim, so he removed his clothing and was flapping around the pool when some daft countess told him to get dressed and behave himself. Wrong move lady. Edwin was not impressed by his telling off and threw her in, and she was even less impressed with that and started ranting and raving, much to the amusement to the rest of the party hounds. She left with her tail between her legs and didn't look at all glamorous in her soaking wet dress, running makeup and failed hairdo. We continued till mid morning and went straight to the airport and caught a flight home. Thanks F for the great parties and good times, you will never be forgotten.

I still get asked a lot if I'm gonna write the "Real" story about Queen. Well the answer is no, and the reason is that the guys gave me a great job and a great life and I have far to much respect for them, their wives/girlfriends, children and families to tell the world what we got up to in private. I feel that is our business and ours alone. Most of us are all in relationships and telling tales could make life awkward for a few people, band and crew alike. I'm sure at some point in time someone from the organisation will write a book, have 5 minutes of fame and make a quick buck, but it sure as hell won't be me, and I'll still be able to sleep at night and when I see the guys I will still be free to say, "Wanna beer MATE."

I've had a few questions asked me that I'm gonna answer quickly.

First off is "Do you have any stories about Freddies cats? (ripping furniture etc.)" Here's a good reply, No. So moving right along, "Of all the famous people you've met, who impressed you the most?" Tricky one this. After years in this "Biz" they all become "Just normal people," and some become good pals, but on one occasion I was in Paul McCartneys studio and I was handed his violin bass and I was sitting there holding it when someone said, "Paul is left handed, hold it like he would." When I turned it around, still taped in the cutout was the Beatles set list from their days in Hamburg, now that impressed me.

Deaky and myself were the only two reggae lovers in the outfit, and Bob Marley turned up to see the show at Madison Square Gardens. Strange choice of show for Bob, but he loved Another one bites the dust, and he happened to be in New York on a stopover on his way to Germany for laser treatment. Show time and our intro tape was playing, and someone told JD that Bob was in the audience, so he cranked his bass up and played "Lively up yourself" over the tape. This was very possibly the last time Marley ever heard this played as he died shortly after. I didn't get to meet him, but I did get to meet Tyrone Downie, Bobs keyboard player in the Wailers, and Tyrone and myself got up to all sorts of mischief that night. RT on the other hand hates reggae music, but I did manage to drag him to the Circus Krone in Munich to see Peter Tosh. I loved it, he hated it. I look at this as payback because years before he insisted that I went to Hammersmith Odeon to see Laurie Anderson, of O Superman fame. This show he loved, but I put it alongside Cher as one of the worst concerts I have ever seen. Needless to say I have also met a couple of stars that I didn't see eye to eye with. Like the American rock star we encountered in a club one night, and he was such a pain I had to take him into the toilets to have a quiet word with him. He finally got the message so I released my hand from around his neck and let him drop back down to the ground. To finish this segment I wanna tell you something that Bev Bevan said. Bev was the drummer with ELO, and them and us were touring the US at the same time, and as it turned out, staying in the same hotel in one city. Roger and myself were leaving the hotel and waiting for the elevator. When the doors opened Bev was in there and him and RT said their hellos. Rog then said, "Bev, this is Crystal, he looks after me." Bev turned to me, shook my hand and said, "Pleased to meet you. If it wasn't for guys like you, guys like us wouldn't be where we are today." He didn't need to say that, and was genuine when he did. I wasn't impressed with meeting him, but he is certainly in my top ten of nicest people I have ever meet.

Over the last few months I've spent a lot of time in the Chatroom, and I highly recommend it to you all as it can be a bit of a laugh. For anyone who has never visited the room please remember a couple of things, if you come in and start swearing you will be kicked out. I know, it happens to me all the time. Also don't come in and start going on about knowing axemen and murderers and other such garbage, cause that also warrants a kicking. Some buffoon from Ireland, who went by the name of "Death" turned up with an attitude and was going on about how f***ing awesome Queen were at Slane Castle. He was not known by anyone in there so I asked him to watch his language. He said he was the Grim Reaper and could do and say what he liked, so I told him otherwise and he was most put out when I kicked him. What a fool. A while ago there was some prat who called himself F***queen, good name eh! Anyway, he/she/it was picking on a lovely young lady called Raisa, and was saying some awful things to her and completely freaked her out, so I went to her defence and FQ turned the attention my way. As far as I'm concerned it's only letters on a screen and it didn't phase me at all, but at least he/she/it gave up on Raisa. In all fairness to FQ, whoever you may be, he/she left a message on the Bulletin Board saying sorry to Raisa and myself and would never do it again. So FQ, from the both of us, thanks for the apology, we accept it. What other weirdos have we had? Well, there was a brightspark who decided it would be funny to use the nickname QueenRshite, another bad move from this person who was honoured with a ban.

While in there I've seen a lot of friendships made, and a couple that have fallen apart. I got a private message one evening from a very drunk girl who, how shall we phrase this, offered me her body and wanted to do all sorts of naughty things to me, I thanked her and declined...must be getting old or something. I have also witnessed relationships being made and, usually there is a lot of humour involved, but needless to say some arguments do occur. I have also seen some of the daftest things said. One guy was so convinced that one of the regulars was either Deaky or she was chatting with him in private that he actually started tracking her every move on the net. He also told me about some highly illegal activities he was up to concerning the band. I wouldn't have thought I was the best person to tell such stuff to, and needless to say I had a go at him. Just to add to his stupidity he's been recently boasting about his affair with an underage girl, and I reckon if he had any more sense he would be half witted. Having mentioned all the twits I'd like to say a quick hello to all the regulars, White Queen and Killer Queen, the lovely girls Blue Rock and Rannnnnnni, SQJan, Mayflower and her boys, Farookh (aka Leroy Brown) MarshMallow, the three Tigers - Babe, Lily and Stripes and the mighty Falc, also to all the rest who I haven't mentioned by name, you know who you are. I'd also like to say hi to Daddy Cool who is the singer in the Dutch cover band Miracle, and Dad, if you never make it as a singer you could make a great career from being a stand up comedian. Finally an extra special hello to the gorgeous MTB, who is about to make an honest man of me ;)

Before I go I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone of a certain date in November that is engraved in all of our minds. And I know that a lot of you will be heading to Garden Lodge to leave flowers. I don't wanna preach and tell you what to do, and I know flowers are a nice gesture, but they do die and the only people to really benefit from this is the florist. This year lets all give a donation, no matter how small, to Aids research, this way the cash will be used to try and stamp out this awful disease. If you really wanna leave flowers, buy a smaller, cheaper bunch and donate the balance of what you would have spent to these charities. It's been said a million times before but it is true, Every penny counts.

As always, Loadsa Love.

Crystal

[sturchling]

Alya and Lila planned to teach Ashley by framing her for something it backfires cause security cameras and Alya and Lila are in hot water Lila finally confronts Ashley on her not paying attention to her when Ashley just shrugs her off has a freaky tantrum sized meltdown confessing to everyone with a phone on the yard Lila exposed you know the drill

Part 1        Part 2       Part 3       Part 4

Lila and Alya had been planning this all week. They were going to frame Ashley for stealing Lila’s journal. While Alya kept look out, Lila went in the locker room and placed the journal in Ashley’s locker. Once that was done, Alya went to Mr. Damocles, saying that she saw Ashley take Lila’s journal. Then they sat back, planning to watch the fireworks.

------------------

Ashley knew that something was about to happen. Since they came into the classroom, Alya and Lila kept smirking at her. Something told Ashley that all the drama she had been trying to avoid was going to start soon. Mr. Damocles came into the classroom, demanding to see in Ashley’s locker. As Ashley stood, and saw the looks on Alya and Lila’s faces, she knew that this was their doing. She, along with the rest of the class that wanted to know what was happening, went to the locker room. When Ashley opened her locker, a journal fell out. She heard Lila call out from behind her. “That’s it Mr. Damocles, that is my journal. Why did you take my journal this morning Ashley?” Lila faked some tears, happy her plan was working. 

-----------------

But instead of Ashley getting upset like Marinette did, she stayed strangely calm. “I didn’t take it. I wouldn’t have had time. I got here as soon as the bell rang, I didn’t come in here at all this morning. Check the security cameras if you don’t believe me since there is one pointed right here. Then we can see definitively who took the journal.” Mr. Damocles hesitated, not wanting to rush to judgement like what happened with Marinette. Meanwhile, Alya and Lila were panicked. They hadn’t realized there was a camera pointing at the lockers. They knew they would be in major trouble if Mr. Damocles looked at the camera. Alya tried her best to convince him not to. “There is no need to look at the cameras! The journal is in her locker, and I saw her take it this morning.” That made Mr. Damocles pause for a moment. “While I see your point Miss Cesaire, after what happened with Marinette, I would prefer not to rush this and check everything.” 

----------------

Everyone went to Mr. Damocles office, he made no effort to keep the whole class out of the office so everyone packed into the office to watch the cameras. Lila and Alya still tried to convince Mr. Damocles he didn’t need to look at the cameras, but nothing worked. And once he pulled up the cameras, the whole class saw Alya standing at the door of the locker room as Lila put the journal in Ashley’s locker. It was like a spell had been broken and everyone in the room saw Lila in a new light. The class was shocked. Why would Lila and Alya try to frame Ashley for stealing? Mr. Damocles is horrified at the actions of these two, and realizes that Lila probably also framed Marinette, not some lying disease. 

-------------------

The class was told to leave the room, they hadn’t figured out that Lila was a total liar yet, and Mr. Damocles wanted to try and spare Lila the embarrassment in the hopes of avoiding an akuma. Mrs. Rossi was called to the school. After everything was said and done, Lila was expelled from the school. Alya was suspended for several weeks and would have detention for the rest of the semester, but wasn’t expelled since she was tricked by Lila too. Lila was enraged as she sat there. All her hard work fell apart and her plan had backfired horribly. And there Ashley sat, not bothered by any of this. As they all got up to leave, and Ashley left first, Lila raced after her, wanting answers. 

---------------

Lila ran down into the courtyard and stopped Ashley, with the whole class watching. Marinette and her friends had the good sense to pull out their phones and start recording when they saw Lila chasing Ashley. Lila grabbed Ashley’s arm, pulling her to a stop. “Ashley! How come nothing worked on you!? I was able to trick everyone else in the class! They all believed my every word and thought I was amazing! But you came and ruined everything! How come I couldn’t trick you!? My stories trick everyone! Why didn’t you pay attention to me?!” The class gasped as Lila revealed that she had been lying, but Lila was so focused on Ashley she didn’t even realize what she had said, or that there was a crowd forming. Ashley just calmly said, “You couldn’t trick me because they weren’t the best stories. And I wasn’t really interested in them anyway, even if they were true.” Something in Lila snapped and she just threw a tantrum. Screaming and ranting about how it wasn’t fair and that everyone should pay attention to her. The class stared in stunned silence as Lila continued to yell. Mrs. Rossi came down into the courtyard and took her daughter to the car, while Lila was kicking and screaming, ready to take her daughter far from this school. 

[aceofwhump]

Hi Ace! One of my OCs is a AroAce character- I was wondering if you have any tips on how to write them. As a member of the LGBT community, I don't wanna offend the AroAce community. Thanks! <3

Hi nonny! First of all I love that you're writing an aroace character!!! That's awesome!! There are so few of them in media we need all the rep we can get! You're awesome! And secondly, thank you for asking! This is an excellent question and thank you for being considerate and asking it.

Disclaimer: all aroaces are different and our experiences are all different. These things are just my opinion and are based on my own experiences as an aroace.

I highly encourage any other aroace reading this to chime in with their own thoughts and feelings on the matter because the more voices the better!

Under a readmore for length:

The first thing I wanna talk about is bad representation we currently have in the ace/aro/aroace community and why it is bad and then showing you good representation and why it is good.

Now aroaces hardly have any representation AT ALL so any rep is welcome. Most of the ace/aro rep we do have is either terrible or not even canon confirmed. That said, there are good ways of representing asexuality and aromanticism and there are bad ways.

Bad rep we currently have includes characters like Sheldon Cooper, Sherlock from the BBC series, House M.D., Riverdale's Jughead Jones, and Shadowhunters Raphael Santiago.

These are bad for the following reason:

Sheldon and Sherlock are both implied to be unfeeling, rude, and not human. They are constantly made fun of and are being told they are weird or inhuman simply because they don't have sex or date.

House falls under the "asexuality is a disease that can be cured or fixed" trope. Do not fall into this trope!!! I think House says, and I quote, "the only people who don’t want [sex] are either sick, dead, or lying.” DON'T DO THIS!

Sometimes characters spend the show/movie having their sexuality questioned and then they have sex or date and suddenly they're "normal"! This happened with Sheldon who started dating Amy and they had sex and the show was like "see look at how normal they are now! regular couple! see they wanted to have sex the whole time!" Fuck that.

Shadowhunters was great at making Raphael asexual but they erased his aromanticism and then never mentioned or brought up his sexuality ever again.

Both the creators of Riverdale and BBC Sherlock have said that asexuality is boring to write for. Pisses me off. Now I'm going to be brief about Riverdale here for a moment even though I can spend days ranting about how much this show pisses me off. Jughead Jones is asexual aromantic and Riverdale went "Nah that's boring. We changed it. Now he's neither." I think the quote he said was "“there are fresher ways to tell [the] story.” Don't do this.

I'm adding one more point here. A lot of times the aromantic characters are the evil ones. Implying that aromantics are evil because we "don't feel love". (i mean half of why Voldemort is evil is because he doesn't feel love. thank JKR)

On the flip side, some good ace/aro rep (not necessarily aroace) includes Todd Chavez (ace but not aro), Voodoo from Sirens (ace but not aro), and Jughead Jones (not the god awful Riverdale Jughead. I'm talking about he comics Juggy who is aroace and awesome)

All these characters talk openly about their sexuality, don't "change their minds", are given full and interesting plots, aren't forced into sex or relationships, and don't fall under terrible tropes. They are good characters to look at for good rep. They aren't perfect (none of them are perfect representation) but for the rep we do have these are the best in my opinion.

The other way I wanted to answer this is by talking about a few reminders of things to think about while writing.

Remember that AroAces are:

Capable of feeling love. we are not robots. we feel love and are capable of expressing love. we love our friends, our family, our partners, etc.

Try and avoid the "aromantic/asexual/aroace character is an unfeeling robot or an alien" trope. It implies we're inhuman, incapable of feelings. That's not true at all.

Both asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums. we all experience things differently. Some aces are cool with having sex, some aren't. Some aros are in a relationship or want to be in one, some don't want anything to do with it. We're all different.

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction

Aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction

know and understand the definitions. this is the only "requirement". There are other identities that fall under the Ace and Aro umbrellas and it might benefit you to explores those as well. Like demi and grey asexual/aromantic.

Our reasons for having sex or entering into a romantic relationship can be different from Allo's but that doesn't mean they aren't just as valid.

Speaking for myself, I as an aroace place a higher priority on my friendships and family because of my lack of sexual and romantic attraction.

Okay this got sooo long. I'll end it there.

Take some time and really explore your character. Ask yourself where do they fall in the spectrum of AroAce? How do they feel about sex and romance? Do you plan on saying in text the words "asexual aromantic" or are you leaning towards impying it? If you're going to imply it (which is fine) make sure it's obvious and think about how you're going to show their aroaceness. Familiarize yourself with the definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. They are separate identities even if we just call ourselves aroace. They each come with different things so take some time to look into that.

If you run into any problems and have any questions about asexuality, aromanticism, or what it's like being aroace please come on back and ask! I am happy to talk about whatever in order to help!

[a-n-conrad]

Petals and Feathers (Hawks x Reader)

[Summary: You’ve finally gotten a job as a sidekick after graduating from UA about a year before. But after working with Hawks for a few months it starts to get a bit hard to breathe. How are you supposed to fix a case of Hanahaki disease when you happened to fall in love with the most emotionally unavailable hero alive?

TW: HANAHAKI, coughing, blood, surgery mention, swearing, angst (with a happy ending)]

You were really proud to get yourself an internship without having to go to university. With your parents spending the last of their money to move you to Japan when you were just starting out highschool so you could go to UA, there was no way for you to really afford university, so most of the hero agencies weren’t really jumping at the chance to take you on. You had managed to convince Hawks, the number two hero after All Might’s recent retirement, that your quirk made you worth taking on. 

Well, that and it seemed like he liked having you around. Your ability to jump through space, letting you basically teleport a few feet ahead of you, made it so that you could actually keep up with him in a fight, and somehow you managed to read him better than just about anyone else. Maybe it was the fact that you absolutely admired him.

He always made a point to seem fun, laidback, and carefree, but you recognized pretty quickly that wasn’t really the case. At least, not completely. People usually thought that his lack of regard for formalities and teasing manner was because he didn’t care, but it was really just that he thought it was stupid. Treating heroes like they were above everyone always seemed weird to him. The heroes were there to work for the people, so putting them above pubic opinion never really made sense. At least, that’s what he told you during one of your late-night talks.

It was during one of those chats that you realized something was wrong for the first time. You were on a patrol with him one night, he was ranting about Endeavor and how important it was that Endeavor steps into All Might’s top hero spot well when you noticed that it was a lot harder to breathe than it normally was. Not impossible. Not bad enough that you’d tell anyone. But it was there. 

You had a bad habit of never really telling anyone when you were feeling sick. Especially people you cared about. You didn’t what to worry them, and whatever it was usually went away on its own. You’d just take some cold medicine and get some extra sleep when you got home. You’d probably be better by tomorrow, so it wasn’t anything worth worrying your boss about. Your boss and your friend. At least, you considered him to be a friend. He had a habit of worrying about the people that work with him, and you hated to stress him out.

Over the few months that you had worked for the blonde-haired hero, you had gotten to know him pretty well. You knew where his favorite place to get chicken after long shifts. You knew that he never when to a heroing highschool. You knew that when he grew up, Endeavor was his favorite hero. You knew that sometimes he forgot his real name, so he asked you to say it when no one else was around. You knew that sometimes, in the middle of the night when everything was quiet, he’d actually let his guard down. You knew that when he let his guard down, his eyes held a kind of sadness that you hadn’t seen from many people before him. You knew that when he looked that sad, all you wanted to do was hold him.

You knew that you hated to see him worry. And you didn’t like to take sick days. Because you wanted to see him.

- - - - -

The next day it was harder to breathe. You continued to ignore it. It was fine. You’d be fine. As long as you didn’t pass out, you’d be fine. Of course, it didn’t help that you had been coughing the whole morning, and you felt like there was something stuck in your throat. But with a bit of cough syrup, you hoped that you’d manage for the day. Your brain was a little hazy, but it was alright. 

That day you had some training to do with Hawks’ new intern. He had taken on a kid from UA named Tokoyami because he appreciated the bird aesthetic that was going on. At least that’s what he said. You had a feeling that it was really more because he appreciated the quirk. Hawks wouldn’t take on anyone that he didn’t think could protect themself. Especially not a kid. He worried too much to have a kid around that couldn’t handle the job.

“Ms. (Y/n)?” Tokoyami asked. You had no idea when he had walked into the training room. You could’ve sworn you were in there alone waiting for him, “Are you ok? You were kind of spacing out there?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” You were cut off by a cough, which only made Tokoyami look a bit more concerned, “We’re just sparing today, right? Let’s get to it.”

He hesitated a little before nodding and heading over to the training mat. He was a sweet kid, and you could tell he was worried, which is why you had to rough him up a little bit. He couldn’t worry if he had to actually fight you. Besides, you had to prove that you were alright, or you were sure he’d report you to Hawks. And you really didn’t want to worry him.

You made the first move. Usually, you let Tokoyami make the first move, so he was starting to get into a routine. You threw a punch towards his face, careful to avoid the beak. You’d hit it before and almost broke your hand. Hawks fussed over you for a week after that. 

Dark Shadow blocked and threw you back pretty easily. Sparring with Tokoyami was like sparring with two people, and it gave him a bit of an advantage. While you were being thrown back, Tokoyami moved to sweep your legs out from under you. You react quickly by jumping behind him and kicking out towards his legs. Normally you’d make contact, but apparently, you weren’t moving fast enough. Maybe you were moving a little slow today. Either way, Dark Shadow blocks you pretty easily.

Before you can even think to counter, you notice Hawks walk into the room. The signature grin on his face. His hair a little tousled from his flight over still. The feathers of his wings the same bright red as usual, but still just as eye-catching. God, he was unfairly attractive.

You felt a kick to your chest, knocking you down. You froze, and that was on you. You should have paid better attention. What none of you expected, though, when you hit the floor was for you to break out in a coughing fit worse than any that you had the entire morning. 

You sat there for a few minutes, coughing and sputtering, trying to catch your breath. You had tears rolling down your cheeks. Hawks and Tokoyami both ran over to check on you, while you tried to wave them away, hoping you could stop coughing long enough to tell them that you were alright. 

It felt like hours before you felt something that was in your throat dislodge itself and fly out of your mouth, though it was probably only a few minutes. You cough it up into your hand, finally getting a chance to catch your breath.

“God damn, (Y/n), are you ok?” Hawks asked, his forehead crunching up a little, “Do I need to fly you to the hospital? That sounded serious.”

“No, I think I just had something caught in my throat,” You rasp, you throat incredibly sore. You hold up the hand that you had coughed into, finally opening it up to see what you had coughed up.

“Is that… a flower?” Tokoyami asked, in response to seeing the petals strewn across the palm of your hand, purple petals lightly coated in crimson blood, “Did you eat a flower?”

“I… No, I did not,” You reply, completely in shock. You couldn’t feel the sore throat anymore, but you still couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t you breathe? “What the hell?”

- - - - -

Hawks had insisted on flying you over to the hospital right that moment. You were sure that he just felt responsible for your care, being your boss and all, but you could’ve sworn for a moment you saw fear in his eyes. At least the doctors had insisted that he stay in the waiting room while they question and examined you. Otherwise, the conversation following your diagnosis would’ve been much more uncomfortable.

“Hanahaki disease,” The doctor says, as serious as they ever were when talking to heroes, but this time it held a bit more concern, “It’s pretty uncommon, but it’s easy to recognize. You’re currently growing flowers in your lungs, and without intervention, they’ll end up suffocating you to death. Luckily, you came in relatively early, so it should be pretty easy to do the surgery.”

“Surgery?”

“We remove the flowers from your lung. With the number of flowers you have, it should be relatively easy and low risk, there’s just one side effect that we’d have to inform you on.”

Through another coughing fit, you ask, “Which is?”

“Well,” He seemed a bit nervous to explain it, “It would remove your ability to love. Not necessarily just romantically, but it’s usually just that. Hanahaki is caused by falling in love with someone you could never be with. Or at least you’ve convinced yourself of that enough to cause this. Removing the flowers will remove any feelings related to this person. Are they a friend of yours?”

“Um, yes.”

He winced a little, “So you’d probably lose the ability to love friends as well. But that’s better than dying, right?”

No. No, it wasn’t. Because you’d lose so much more than that. You admired him as a hero. You cared for him as a person. You emphasized with his past. You loved him as a friend. No, you loved him. You loved Hawks. You loved Keigo and you refused to admit it to yourself until it was too late and you were faced with an ultimatum. Either live and give up everything that made you feel. Or die loving him. 

Giving up those feelings wouldn’t just mean giving up Hawks, either. You’d lose the care you had for Tokoyami. The admiration you had for all of the teachers over at UA. You’d never have another friend or lover in your life. With your family still in America, you’d be alone. You couldn’t be alone again. No Hawks. No Tokoyami. No other hero friends. No love at all. Was that even a life worth living?

“Is there another way? Anything else?”

“Well, unless you can get that person to fall in love with you,” The doctor sighed, “No. The most we can do besides that is checking you in and trying to help you as much as we can with, well, being somewhat comfortable.”

“Fine. I’d like to check-in.”

- - - - -

They set you up in a hospital room pretty soon after that. You had to let them tell Hawks what was going on pretty soon. Partially because he wasn’t going to leave for a second until you did, and partially because he was your boss and it was important that your work at least somewhat understand what was happening.

He and Tokoyami visited you as much as they could. For Tokoyami that was basically even day that he was working with Hawks and for Hawks, it was every day. You hated that every day he came in he looked even more worried. You hated that after about a month or two you started to notice bags under his eyes. And a little while after you started to notice that he always looked as though he was just crying before he walked into your room.

You saw that sad look a lot more often too. It was a little different though. You were starting to place it though. Like grief but more. Either way, he refused to make eye contact with you more and more often and slept in the chair in your room more often than you would ever admit. Somehow, despite the fact that you were actively dying, it hurt you so much more to watch him fall apart.

“Why won’t you just get the surgery, (Y/n)?” Hawks asked one morning, after waking up in the chair in your room for the third night that week. His voice was deep and raspy and if you didn’t have flowers growing in your lungs you’d probably find it pretty hot.

“It’s complicated, Keigo,” You whispered. You couldn’t really talk at full volume anymore without triggering a coughing fit.

“Bullshit!” He shouted. You hadn’t heard him shout like that before, “What idiot could be this worth dying for? Is there seriously nothing else you could possibly do? I can’t just sit here and watch you die!”

“Than fucking leave!”

 You saw him freeze as you started coughing up more flowers. The anger drained out of Hawks’ face and was slowly replaced with fear, “Do you mean that?”

“Of course not,” you croaked weakly as you finally stopped coughing, “There’s really nothing else I can do unless I can get them to fall in love with me, too.”

“Who are they?” He asked.

You knew what his plan was. He wanted to save you. He hated that he couldn’t save everyone, “No, Hawks. I’m not going to tell you who it is just so you can drag them back here. You can’t really force someone to love me.”

He sighed, pulling the chair over to the side of the bed, “I know. But, like, what if they already love you and you’ve just convinced yourself that they don’t?”

“What?”

“The doc said that was something that could happen, right? Have they ever actually said they don’t love you? Have you ever told them?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why are you so sure?” You couldn’t tell him, right? He was right there. He had been for the entire time. You had a feeling he was spending more time in that chair than in his actual house. But was it really fair to keep it from him?

“It’s you, Keigo,” it was so quiet that you kind of hoped that he didn’t hear it.

It was so quiet for a few moments. You braced yourself for rejection until you heard him laughing. You wanted to be mad, you were so confused. Was he mocking you? Why was he laughing? But before you could actually get mad you looked at him.

You forgot how much you missed that smile on his face. His eyes were still sunken, he still looked so tired. But he was smiling. For the first time since you checked in, he genuinely looked… happy.

“God, you’re such an idiot,” He laughed, “You really just gave yourself a deadly disease for nothing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been in love with you for months,” He chuckled, “Even Tokoyami knew. He seriously wouldn’t stop teasing me about it until you checked in here.”

You didn’t even have time to be happy, since the second you actually processed what he said you started coughing, worse than you had before. In a few seconds, you had tears and snot running down your face and blood running down the corner of your mouth. 

“Shit are you ok?” Hawks asked, the feathers of his wings puffing up, “What’s going on?”

You couldn’t respond. The only way you could breathe was gasping between coughs, so talking was out of the question. It took a  second, but soon enough Hawks ran out of the room to go get help. 

Within a few seconds, a pair of nurses and a doctor ran into the room. Hawks attempted to follow behind, only for a nurse to hold him back, closing the door on him. He looked so afraid.

- - - - -

It took you almost an hour to cough up all of the roots and stems. They had to force your body to take breaks so you could breathe. Eventually, though, you could breathe again. The doctor handed you the tissues, and let you clean off your face. It took you way too many tissues to get completely cleaned off. 

After an in-depth examination, including scans of your lungs and throat, they finally told you what was going on. You had cured yourself. You finally learned that you had hope when it came to Hawks, and pretty quickly, your body decided to get rid of all of the flowers in your lungs. In the most inconvenient way possible. But, hey, who were you to tell your body how to do its job.

Either way, they were willing to let you check out, as long as you’d take it easy and go to regular checkups every week or so in order for them to make sure that your lungs were healing safely. 

After a long day of signing things, paperwork, and making new appointments, they finally let you leave. You still couldn’t talk very well and your throat and lungs were so sore, but you could finally breathe. 

Hawks met you at the door of the hospital. 

“You know you don’t have to fly me home,” You muttered, coughing a little at the end of your sentence.

“If you think I’m leaving you alone any more than I have to after this, you’re more of an idiot than I thought,” He laughed, picking you and starting to fly towards your apartment.

(A/N: I’ve never written Hanahaki before, but this is my post-breakup feel, so I’m just kind of venting. Sorry if it’s not very good. Also, I can’t bring myself to write a sad ending.)

[practicalmagicintuitions]

To clarify, I am not a NV stan, I am not NV, I am not HC, I am pissed with HC for this whole thing, I am pro vaccine, I am vaccinated and not into conspiracy theories. However there are some things that really get to me:

- they broke COVID protocol. No they didn't. I have friends (definitely not wealthy) who have travelled to/from Europe into USA and viceversa and they followed procedure and were careful and did nothing wrong. Of course, wealthier people have more opportunities than others, but that's true across the board, not just in with COVID. And I see other celebs who have done MUCH worse than that.... hopping around yachts and all that. HC stayed cooped up in the English countryside, always wore a mask and still does and she was in LA.

- he went to Florida to party and lied about working. No, he went to Florida to shoot his MT stuff and to meet with her manager DG - she is headquartered there which is also probably why he as a house there. Chances are he went to LA as well in his private jet to do meetings and such. and in his downtime, just like every other human he went out for some coffee and drinks. Florida has lax rules, true, but I am 1000000000% certain he, she and his brother and family are all vaccinated, and therefore very very veeeeery unlikely to get sick or transmit the disease.

- all the photoshop/body double drama: have not heard it in a while thank God, but that's literally delusional to believe that.

- Natalie is actively doing all the work accepting/rejecting tags and even creating fake accounts to abuse her bullies. She surely has a keen eye on the whole thing, but it's his team managing her socials and I am fairly sure they are paying some people to run stan accounts for her + she must have some friends who are helping her out. i know other celebs have been caught anon'ing on lipstick alley and such so i am not saying definitely not, but definitely unlikely, no matter how uncool she is.

- she lied about her job. no she didn't. her linkedin does say she is a vp. not an executive director, but a vp she is (yes there is a rumor she has been suspended because of abusing staff, which would explain a lot). how she advanced in her career is a legitimate question, because of her escort website and her job at weinstein and frankly the fact she grew up in a broken home with a toxic af dad who probably taught her she is not loved and to get ahead you gotta use your body. so really, even if she might be enjoying mr cavill's physical attentions, i do not and will never envy her.

- dany is a demon = #freehenrycavill. henry is no britney spears. dany seems to suck some serious a** at her job and she is a body builder in a cult of bodybuilders and my personal opinion and that of many is that it is a very bad career choice for henry who has so much more going for him than being the next rock/cena/arnie. but he chose that, willingly. he has a strong emotional support system around him with all the brothers and the family etc (as opposed to say a tom cruise). but... he also has a massive eating disorder-like issue and being a bodybuilder only fuels body dysmorphia & co. so yes he is in 'danger' and DG is not good news at all, but he is an adult, a millionaire, a powerful actor and has free will and if anything the only reason why i take the time to write this is in the hope that some of this gets to him via the voices of many many fans and it helps him wake up. chances of that happening: 0.1%.

- random rant: it always creeped me out that henry says he doesn't like to read fiction and non fiction and sticks to fantasy because the other two genres make his heart hurt too much... but then he is also the staunchest lover of everything WAR... like that's a dangerous and contradictory mix dude.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

1. Not true. I tried to find but tumblr is so weird so I cannot: I had a poat about the official lockdown timeline of the UK. Only essential traveling were allowed at that time when she presumably entered into the UK. And if they haven’t broke protocol why this was the only topic he hadn’t touched in his FO post (it was before blackface). If you are falsely accused of such a thing publicly on forums, mocked because of it and you are mot guilty of it, I think you want to clear the air as soon as you can. But he remained silent. Instead of he bullsh*tted so many things, protected DG, but never adressed this. This makes me obvious they are guilty of it because otherwise we se he has mo problem to speak up if something bothers him.

2. I think the FL thing more like sarcasm but everything he did as work could have been done in the UK or via zoom. And since he emphasized he is there for work I think the mocking understandable especially after point one above.

3. “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”

Agree. Truth is no body double or blackmail or anything. Maybe they were set up, this is not a crime but the trut is they are together whatever is this and there is no 2-3 NV impersonators. Just her and him.

4.I am not sure about that hia team is managing her SM but I can see they are paying stans. Like the one whose ask was accepted at the WitcherCon after NV has accepted tags from her for a month and this someone also friends with GG and the 🤡 No suspicious at all… (I don’t believe in coincidences so must be 💵)

5. I gave up to understand what is her title, work, how she got it and how hasn’t shw fired yet but what I know they pushed her as a WAY more important someone as she is in irl. And I consider this as a lie. Not from her but from his team because those articles were paid by them

6. Agree with his completely

7. fantasy is fiction , but I get the impression he doesn’t really read. I think he should have some non fiction and some classics, from authors who are not writing in english etc, so something that is not fantasy

Your welcome, sorry for the late answer