#and every time i put it up i think ive won a battle in the war on autism on the side of autism

[talagirl]

i think i am destined to be a stemgirl because to hear my mom tell it every single person in my dad’s family line is some kind of math prodigy (this is where i got the autistic gene)

[harriertail]

Omen of the Stars reread + a lot of thoughts

The Fourth Apprentice

The cover is actually the best cover in the series are you kidding me? Its so pretty. The yellow blue and dark green r so nice

Why does the TC/ShC stream drying up affect the lake water level and not the RiverClan... river? Does the Moonpool stream still run???

Every mention of Squirrel and Leaf sitting together "so close they were like kits just out the nursery" is an actual STAB in the chest. They go thru so much :((((

A flash flood seems to take out the beaver den (or its just poorly worded?) so what was the point of the journey...

Dovewings personality is snappier than i think pple give her credit for, I kinda enjoy her

Tigerheart literally does not interact with her on the mission lmao what is he on about 'I'm gonna miss you'

Jayfeather missing Lionblaze is act so painful :(

Fading Echoes

So much of the opening of these books is just recounting previous events and character arcs omg this goes for all WC books.

Hollyleaf :(

Blossompaw's siblings joke that she moons over Toadstep. Idk why fucking Thornclaw becomes her mate later on then :/

What is Tigerheart doing on the border ? he doesnt explain it? I actually thought that he was already meeting Dovepaw secretly but then hes not like what is he doing...?

Dovepaw being worried for the other Clans + her thoughts about having this power should put her above the Clan rules could be so interesting. the series back-and-forths over Lionblaze (we must protect ThunderClan) and Dovepaw (we must protect all the Clans) even though Lionblaze gets annoyed at Dovepaw for using her powers to look after ThunderClan???

The whole "being obsessed with Prophecy and what it means" is probs a part of Jay's character (as he baso became a med cat to fulfil his destiny) but it also feels like a gross misunderstanding of what a Prophecy is. All the "the dark forest is rising. This might be what the Three is meant for" is like putting the horse before the cart- a prophecy is meant to describe a situation and hint at the character/means to solve it; but PO3/OoTS has the characters/means to solve, but no conflict :/ its a bit backwards.

I like the mentions of Firestar + Sandstorm going on night hunts etc.

Blossompaw/fall's a cunt lol. Shes kinda fun but shes not nice at all especially to Ivypool.

I love Littlecloud. I love when the med cats share ideas and discuss things 10/10 makes my day everytime

The pacing is actually... not good. Ive defo always been on thr camp of "too many povs and too few chapters ruins the book" but wow FE really shows it.

So much of Doves characterisation so far is about agency and not wanting to be special and have Firestar/Lion/Jay talk to her. I wish this was not forgotten about in later Super Editions.... kittypetdovewing2k24

this battle is crazy tho. I wish more of the DF plot was about stirring up trouble between the Clans and specific troublemakers in each Clan rather than the later nebelous 'dark warriors invade the forest' battle. Ill get to that one day

Night Whispers

Picking right back up in the battle...

and again just recounting the last books events. hollyleaf death/disappearance explanation count: 3

Kinda love how many times shes mentioned. From Lionblaze avoiding the tunnel she ran into to Jayfeather finding the fur that Leafpool hid.... cute

Okay i actuallt love ShadowClan discussing the battle + tactics + training and then the chapter immediately after the TC camp doesnt mention it at all and Ivypaw is like "why arent we discussing the battle? Just because we won doesn't mean we will again!!" interesting character moments + a nice look at differences between the Clans

Ivypaw and dovepaw fighting over tigerheart????? they fight so much but then always wanna be together like jfc.

Dove n tiger have negative chemistry like it just jumps right into "no boundaries can keep us apart". I get shes using him as an escape from TC/prophecy bullshit but like.... rlly? I wish it was just like expanded on. Tbh i wish every chapter had like just two extra pages to actually delve into things a bit better.

Lmaoo lionblaze cinderheart leafpool dovepaw patrol this is so fucking funny brambleclaw u get one point for this

Tigerheart break up scene count: 1

Flametail POV. Interesting but... why? Bad things r coming we know... what was his point narratively? It was cool tho. I liked seeing ShadowClan.

Every single book Dovepaw has a character die/get really hurt and is haunted by their screams. Rippletail, Longtail/Briarpaw, and later on its Antpelt... jesus christ girlie has it SO rough

The ivypaw "nernernenerner im better than you im being trained by tigerstar" to "oh fuck hes actually a bad guy i cant believe the terroristic maniac lied to me" is so rapid shes so funny/stupid

The imagery in this book is kinda crazy. Fire and ice cats and drowning in darkness visions. Very fun.

Sign of the Moon

So the med cats are divided and split up and StarClan does not trust any other Clan cat- but when in StarClan, Barkface and Flametail are hanging out? Crookedstar offers to share prey with Yellowfang? But StarClan is super fractured rn each Clan must stand alone. Okay

Antpelt nooooooooooooooo

Idk what the mountain prophecy actually means like. Firestar was always going to lead ThunderClan into battle.... what is he gonna do that's different...

Rock: i was the first Stoneteller Five chapters later Half Moon becomes the first Stoneteller. This is egregious

Swoop death. that's the fourth death Dovewing is going to be haunted by

The Forgotten Warrior

all the hints to Hollyleaf still... its a nice throughline... the yarrow and tansy and Molepaw/Cherrypaw scenes... shes my fave. sometimes the foreshadowing feels like it could be just Jayfeather coping that she's 'defo still out there' but TFW ties it up well. especially when you get surprised by Sol coming back and its like 'oh they were convinced she was defo still out there :(' and then she's actually back!!!

also the title??? is banger. the Forgotten Warrior, with Leafpool on the OG cover??? wow. espec as its constantly brought up that Leafpool was the medicine cat but no one sees her as a warrior really.... TBH all these titles are just as good as the TPB titles in terms of meaning/how good they are.

Another fox? okay.

SOL.... okay

tunnel adventures part 3.

All this like.. Bumeblstripeing is just kinda naff. Dovewing is clearly tryna force herself into liking him. But then she's also going on about how Tigerheart used her??? NGL i do really wanna see like.. why she changes her mind in AVOS

Brambleclaw lying to protect Hollyleaf is actually like. GOD that hurts. especially when you consider Bramblestar's Storm and how much he misses her. thats his favourite

the cinderheart shit is so stupid my jaw is actually on the floor. what you do mean you've been in love with a cat you shouldn't have. is cinderheart having cinderpelt's feelings for fucking firestar and that's why she doesn't want to be with lionblaze. also they have negative chemistry they literally are CONSTANTLY having issues.

oh my god i swear the 'Sol is secretly working with WindClan' was brought up chapters ago and we are only now dealing with it okay. anyway hollyleaf moment.

its kinda weird we dont get any like. scenes of the siblings just being siblings... they only discuss prophecy/plot shit and dont get to be siblings again - which i guess fits with the whole 'everything has changed' but god it'd be so god to just have them doing like. normal cat stuff - especially when so much of this series has had Jayfeather missing her and Lionblaze

i love Dustpelt and Brackenfur building shit... its so good

Dawnpelt murder accusations. okay.... i can't wait for Flametail to suddenly be argumentative again next book

the battle we've been building to all book is one chapter. cool. Sol runs off again and it's the end of the book. cool.

[ladyryukyo]

Kyoya headcannons perhaps? Any random headcannons you think that suit him

anon tbh im actually so bad at headcanons lmao i really tried but i think i just ended up rambling about kyoya 💔

one thing i love about kyoya is how hes such a serious and stubborn character who is just so fun to uhm dumb down? what i mean by that is that when i think of kyoya, i think of him in battle, i think of his pride, of his unshakeable will, of his ambition and determination to succeed no matter what. its hard to imagine him in mundane situations, somewhere with no battles to be won, no hardships to overcome.

kyoya doing the laundry, going grocery shopping, watching tv, eating sweets. kyoya out with his friends, talking about the weather or traffic or clothes or whatever else. situations where he cant or would be unreasonable to react with anger and shouts and/or a tornado lol.

im pretty sure i touched on this a little in the kyoya/demure fic where demure is basically me every time he marvels at mundane, normal, ordinary human boy kyoya. theres something so charming about characters that seem larger than life being brought back down to earth, others realizing that these characters are not so different from themselves, learning to be unimpressed by their completely unremarkable behavior.

i need this realization to happen to every single love interest kyoya ever has in my fics. i have such a (metaphorical) boner for romantic partners seeing each other as equals in everything they are to each other. that includes kyoya - who has the worst case of main character syndrome ever - lifting his romantic partners up on that podium next to himself (or, for angst purposes, even higher). the mutual respect is just such good food.

as much as i love a good action scene, i love putting kyoya in the most mundane situations. lately, everything ive been able to write has been soft kyoya struggling to accept (maybe even embrace) his softness and learning to be soft with someone else. im hoping ill get a tsukyo fic out of it lol. also hoping kyoya doesnt turn tail when he inevitably scares himself with his capacity for softness.

i dont really know where else im going with this. kind of went on a tangent about kyoya being normal and his partners going feral over it (and then kyoyas partners being badass and kyoya going feral over it). thank you anyway for listening

[sexysilverstrider]

please please please your thoughts on teratai and kieran’s relationship so far in the story and where you think it’s heading 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

ok ive hold on to this ask for quite a while im ready to put it together

lemme summarize teratai: shes the school champion who has the promise of being the official paldean champion once geeta steps down. shes practically the most famous and sought out person. men and women want her. men even want to BE her judging by the amount of popularity she has. teratai has charisma. she gets confessed at least once a month (once a WEEK after her final major battle w nemona) but she politely turns them down. she is kind and helpful, assisting juniors with their work and inspiring seniors and helping teachers too. teratai just has this role that her actions help people.

teratai shines the most during battles coz her serious and charming nature just blows everyone away. everytime she sends out her meowscarada or shiny volcarona ppl are just swooned at the fierce smirk on teratais face.

of course her best friends arven nemona and penny are close with her. whatever problems she has, they know. teratai is friendly but these 3 know her better as time flies by.

speaking of nemona. teratai often has battles w her the most. of course, so far teratai has won all the battles and not once did nemona feel sad or crestfallen. if anything, the losses made her more motivated in battling. teratai is just as pumped. no one can beat her. and battling her once makes someone stronger and a better person.

she also has a legendary. to hv a strong pokemon choose her is somethng she never thought much about. koraidon chose her and arvens just yes please take him i dnt want him and teratais just okay. its normal for her.

at least, thats what she thought of before she met kieran.

now i hcanon tht the kitakami trip is a month long. enough to form a nice normal friendship w someone. teratai is used to ppl wooing over her esp juniors so to see kieran in awe of her is nthing new.

hwever, as they grow closer as field trip partners teratai starts to get kieran to open up more. note: teratai is used to ppl like kieran but shes never close to someone like him. to not hv her 3 bffs close by obvsly teratai becomes friendlier to kieran (and it extension carmine). so teratai convinces kieran to walk by her side, talk to each other, share lil life adventures together, battle one another.

teratai is a person who likes to tease so sometimes she teases kieran cutely. about how hes really good at battling and hw passionate he is when commanding his pokemon. teratai thinks its cute.

she also cutely teases that the lil mole on his neck is adorable. and gets surprisingly flustered when kieran teases back about the lil mole under her left eye. it made her heart skip a beat but she thinks its just the moment.

teratai then surprises herself when SHE casually said tht they can go together to the festival. kieran was surprised too but happily accepts.

now i hv a fic in my mind about their festival date but long story short it was a magical moment to them.

now remember what i said abt hw teratai always wins n esp w nemona every nemoma loses she just laughs happily? teratai never thought much about it. she always assumes battling her brings out the best in people.

that is until she battled kieran during the whole ogerpon ordeal.

she saw how broken he is. she saw how HATEFUL he is towards her. the moment she chose to not tell the truth (in vain hope to protect kieran). the moment ogerpon chose her. these were the last straws of their beautiful friendship.

its broken and for the first time, teratai sees clearly how her actions brought out dire consequences.

[actualbird]

nxx team at a sleepover low stakes all-nighter stakeout mission or something, bear with me, i just have thoughts on who would last longest in staying awake

this post started out as a joke and then turned into a found family feels fest. bon apple teeth!

wc: 1k

-

marius is awake nearly the entire time because this is usual shit for him

this mf sleeps 6-5 hours normally w only 5 minute naps in between, so hes been trained via his Hell Schedule for minimal sleep. 

this plus whatever stakes is going on for the stakeout basically ensures hes gonna last a long time. 

he’ll be the 4th to sleep, and if he had ever gone to a sleepover with friends when he was a kid (he hasnt, everybody either hated him or was using him, marius, how come every time u talk about ur childhood it makes me wanna cry?) he’d only pass out at like 4am because hes got a Lot of energy and needs to burn it all before sweet sweet unconsciousness hits him over the head.

-

artem is awake for a while as well because hes a caffeine addict who has regular insomnia problems 

he is 3rd to sleep, succumbing at around 3am. 

he honestly would have slept earlier but then marius, who was burning off his own energy by asking countless inane philosophical questions, had asked him one of those said inane philosophical questions

marius asks, “hey, do you think worms dream? do you think they wonder about their place in the grand scheme of things?” 

and those questions inexplicably send artem into a spiral of overthinking his place in the universe 

like oh god, do worms dream? do worms also worry constantly about how theyre existing and being fearful that tomorrow theyll make wormy mistakes thatll forever tarnish the record of their whole wormy lives?

when artem passes out, he dreams of cartoon worms in court. the worm judge, who has the voice of his father, says “court is now in session. all writhe.”

-

vyn is asleep by 8pm. end of sentence.

he is the 1st to sleep. he is not going to be participating in whatever kind of superiority of “ha, i stayed awake longest!” because he thinks thats stupid as hell and hes right, having a fucked up circadian rhythm is Not something to be bragging about. Get Help, People.

he tells mc to wake him up once hes needed or when something important happens and then he curls up into a sleeping bag and sleeps like a fucking rock

nothing is getting through to him the moment hes shut his eyes, with the caveat of mc’s order for him to get up, because for all of the rightful value vyn puts upon sleep, he is also rightfully whipped for her. if she says wake up, he’ll be doing it

doesnt mean he has to enjoy it, but he’ll do it

-

mc sleeps only after she makes luke PROMISE, CROSS HIS HEART to sleep at some point during all this and let somebody else take a shift

because luke “ive done a ton of stakeouts before, i dont need sleep!” pearce is hugely stressing her out. they will lightheartedly argue about this for HOURS until midnight when mc finally makes him promise. 

marius: oooooh, she got ya there buddy. you gonna break a promise?

artem: thats like breaking the law

luke: what? no it isnt

artem: it is for this situation. and the punishment will be severe

vyn, sleeptalking elegantly: life sentence....

mc: IVE GOT 3 //pauses to look at vyn and his questionable wakefulness. IVE GOT....2.5 WITNESSES. promise! and no breaking it!

luke: fiiiiiinnneeee >:/

so luke promises. That! Is! All!

and mc goes to sleep, the 2nd one of the group to fall asleep, w a smug smile on her face, very happy shes won a battle of Help Luke Not Be Too Much Of A Self Sacrificing Bastard

-

luke sleeps last, but this surprises him because he wasnt planning on “sleeping” at all 

and he’d like it on record he technically wasnt planning on breaking mc’s promise, he WAS gonna take like some uhhhh micronaps, shut his eyes for 3 minutes at a time. technically thats sleeping, right? so he hasnt broken the law-promise!

(if mc wasnt asleep and artem wasnt trapped in an absurdist worm legal drama dream, they wouldve ripped luke apart)

so hes up for the entire night, until everybodys fallen asleep, and he knows theyre all trying to help but he needs to keep them all safe. he needs to play the role of protector, and with everybody snoozing, the role is solely his

then vyn wakes up and luke is like What

luke: What. i thought you dont get up until the sun is up?

vyn, grumbling: usually, that’s true, but a certain somebody had advised me before all of this that you might be planning on playing arbitrary hero, and unlike you, i do keep my promises to her

marius: oooooohh, nice burn from vyn!

luke: why are YOU awake

marius: i had some of mc’s energy drinks awhile ago, and, in hindsight, that was a mistake! dude, check out how im shaking

luke: oh my god

marius: dyou think worms get the jitters as well?

artem: stop making me think about worms

luke: aaaaand youre awake too. uh you look a bit.....are you ok? 

artem, haunted: no. go to sleep. we’ll cover the rest of the night

and luke is just about to try and find a way out of once more but then mc, in her sleep, attacks luke w a sleepy koala hug. he is trapped. and

well, he cant help but feel all tired and sleepy when hes in her arms. he feels safe. he cant help it. 

mc, sleep mumbling: gotchaaaaa

luke, feeling so much love in his heart for her and also the others for teaming up for this: yeah, okay....you guys got me

luke’s final thought before sleep takes him is that maybe, in this team, they can take turns doing the protecting

-

bonus, after mc and luke are asleep

vyn: .....what were you saying about worms?

artem: please. please dont ask

marius: is it possible to have a seizure but in slow mo?

vyn: neither of you are healthy individuals

[somewhatgreatexpectations]

To Die For (Wanda Maximoff/ Reader)

Hello! It is with great joy and a little bit of sadness that I present you all with the final part of “Love Goes”. This part in particular is inspired by Sam Smith’s “To Die For”. Pieces from Endgame are used but very little. 

Summary: The aftermath of Endgame, how will Wanda navigate and what will happen to Y/n. 

“I long for you, just a touch of your hand. You don't leave my mind. Lonely days I'm feeling like a fool for dreaming… Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down.”

Hope. That was all Wanda had left. She knew that she couldn’t let it waver for even a moment. Allowing the hope within her to waver would be the same as accepting defeat. Accepting that you weren’t coming back. That was something she would never allow herself to believe. 

Like you told her, you and her were a happy ending. It’s the only ending she could ever envision for herself. The only life she wanted. The only life she’d accept. You and her. Together. Happily.

It had only been a week since the fateful battle and you had been transferred to a S.W.O.R.D. facility since. What worried Wanda most was that you still hadn’t woken up and hadn’t shown much progression since arriving. 

She could still feel you though. 

Wanda would allow herself glimpses into your mind and could see the vibrancy that still existed within. Your heart was still beating, and your mind was still your own. Even if you weren’t awake, you were still you.

The thought brought comfort to Wanda despite the circumstances. It kept hope alive in her heart.

It was only a matter of time until you were awake and in her arms again. At least that’s what she kept telling herself. 

The situation could have been worse though and she knew that. Shortly after you were transferred to the facility she learned the full details of how exactly Thanos was defeated. How Tony and Natasha had given their lives in exchange for the outcome. As much as the news saddened her, she couldn’t help but feel a selfish sense of relief that you hadn’t been dealt the same fate. 

Her life – her heart - felt as though it was hanging in the balance. You were all she had. All she wanted. If she lost you she knew there would be no recovery for her. She’d drown. Sink to the bottom with no chance of resurfacing if you weren’t there to pull her back up. 

The warmth of your hand in her own anchored her. It always did, but not as much as being in your arms, or hearing your voice. “I’m drowning.” She whispered against your hand. “I’m drowning, Y/n. I need to hear your voice, see you open your eyes, and have you hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m drowning, and you can’t save me until you wake up.” Her lips trembled slightly against your hand as a single tear fell down her cheek.

The days and nights had blurred together for her. Both of which were spent unwaveringly at your side. The only disruptions often came in the form of varying people in the facility checking your vitals or injecting new medications into your IV that they informed her should wake you up soon. 

Besides the worry and fear she constantly felt, there was a sense of bitterness that the only one who had come to see you or her during your time in the facility was Fury. That was only when you were still at S.H.I.E.L.D’s location. It was upsetting to her that Steve had yet to visit you considering the history you two shared and how close you two had always been. Considering how you had been willing to risk your life for him on multiple occasions. 

Today was Tony’s funeral and she was reluctantly leaving your side to pay her respects for a short while. Also, to give Rogers a piece of her mind.

When the funeral concluded she wandered over to the lake to collect her thoughts and emotions. Taking in the beautiful day around her, a stark contrast to how she felt internally. The perfect day felt wrong when it still felt like her world was crashing down within her. 

As she was staring out the lake, preparing herself for what she wanted to tell Steve, Clint walked up to her. “Hey, kid.” 

Wanda kept a neutral face and merely nodded at him. “Hello.”

There was hesitation in the way Clint stopped at her side. “You have every right to not want to talk to me right now.” He began seriously, his head ducked shamefully. “I wanted to go visit Y/n… Check on you. I did. I just-… It’s been hard accepting that Nat’s gone, you know? It’s not an excuse for not being there. It’s just where my head was. I’m sorry, Wanda.” 

As much as Wanda wanted to ignore him, she knew she couldn’t. “I understand.” She replied softly, her gaze still on the lake before her. 

“I wish there was a way that I could let her know that we won. That we did it.” Clint admitted quietly to her.

Wanda shifted her gaze to him. “She knows.” There was a small pause. “They both do.” Despite not being awake, she liked to believe that you knew.

Clint wrapped a comforting arm around her and she leaned into the embrace. 

“Wanda.” A somber voice caught her attention as she turned to find Steve standing there with his hands folded behind his back. “A word?”

Clearly not wanting to be caught in the crossfire, Clint stepped back. “I think that’s my cue to go.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Wanda’s head. “I’ll do better, okay? Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be by to visit Y/n soon.” Wanda nodded slightly at his words as he walked away. 

When Clint was out of the vicinity, Steve stepped into his place. Wanda’s jaw clenched. She was more upset at him than anyone. She knew if roles were reversed you would have been uncompromisingly by his side.

“What do you want?” She asked, her tone cold.

Steve’s face remained neutral despite her tone. “How is she?”

A bitter laugh escaped her lips at his question. “How is she?” she shook her head in disbelief. “You have a lot of nerve asking that when you’ve had a whole week to go see for yourself.”

A heavy sigh escaped his lips. “Look, Wanda, I understand you’re upset with me but I-“

Wanda rounded on him, her eyes livid. “Upset? I am far passed upset, Rogers. I’m furious. Y/n needed you and you abandon her. She would have done anything for you! She idolized you!”

Each of Wanda’s words impacted Steve, she could see that, but she didn’t stop. He took it. “She thought you were her family and you couldn’t even be bothered to go see for yourself if she’s okay! You don’t even care-“

“Enough! That’s not true!” Steve roared. The accusation that he didn’t care seemingly being the final straw. Wanda recoiled in surprise. “I feel guilty, okay? I feel like the only reason that she’s in there in the first place is because of me. I couldn’t face her. I didn’t deserve to.” His volume didn’t lower as the emotions he was holding in finally boiled over. 

“You know she wouldn’t have blamed you.” Wanda eventually replied, her tone still clipped.

Steve rubbed a hand down his face. “I know, but I do. I blame myself. She was trying to protect me, and she only felt like she had to protect me because I couldn’t stop him the first time. She got hurt because I couldn’t get to her fast enough. She’s my family too.” 

As much as she wanted to be angry with him, she found it much more difficult when she learned of the guilt that seemed to be weighing heavily on him. “You know Y/n would have done that either way.” She confessed quietly. “She would have tried to stop him regardless of who she was defending. That’s who she is.”

A weak nod was his only response. Wanda wasn’t sure if he believed her. “How has she been?” Steve repeated, hoping for a genuine answer this time.

“She still hasn’t woken up.” Wanda began unsteadily. “They keep injecting her with new serums everyday saying that each one will wake her up, but it never does.”

Steve closed his eyes at the information, his expression distressed for just a moment until he schooled his features and put on a brave face for Wanda. “She’s going to wake up. I know she will.” 

Hearing the words she had been telling herself from someone else brought Wanda a small sense of comfort. “I know she will too.” She turned to him. “I’m going to get back to her now, she needs me. Go see her.” 

“I will.” He nodded firmly, his words definitive. “I have to return the stones in an hour and try and see if I can undo something. As soon as I do that I’ll be immovably by her side. I’ll stay with you until she wakes up. You have my word. She has my word.” There was purpose in his voice. 

Wanda quirked her lips up slightly at him and nodded without a word. She knew he meant what he said. She walked off to her car to begin the drive back to S.W.O.R.D’s medical branch of the facility. ___________________ Her heart dropped when she entered your room, only to be met with an empty bed. On numb legs, she ran out and stopped the first worker she saw. “Y/n Y/ln. Where is she? She was here just an hour ago.” 

The employee looked around nervously. “She’s been moved. I believe it would be in your best interest to speak to the director.”

Wanda’s brow furrowed in confusion. “The director? Why?”

“His office is located on the second floor, third door on the left.” The employee informed her meekly before scurrying away. 

Practically running, Wanda reached the office in minutes, throwing the door open. “Ms. Maximoff.” The man who she presumed to be the director greeted her, an unnerving smile on his face.

“Where is she?” Wanda demanded, not caring about anything other than being reunited with you. “Is-is she okay?” Anxiety began to build within her and press against her chest making it harder for her to breath. Her nails dug into her palms.

The man gestured for her to sit in an empty chair, she ignored the request. “My name is Tyler Hayward. I am the director of S.W.O.R.D.”

Wanda merely stared blankly back at him, her jaw clenched tightly. “Where. Is. Y/n?” She enunciated sharply, her patience fading. 

The unnerving smile never faltered on Hayward’s face. “That is the unfortunate part, Ms. Maximoff. You see, while you were gone Ms. Y/ln suffered from some brain hemorrhaging. We were able to stop it, but it seems her brain has suffered an extensive amount of damage. We ran some tests and it appears she has lost all cognitive function. She is just a shell now. She only has another day or two at best. I’m sorry.”

Wanda’s world stopped at his words. She immediately shook her head. “That’s not true.” She said shakily as tears began streaming down her cheeks, the weight on her chest getting heavier, forcing her under. She couldn’t breathe. “That’s not true. Let me see her.” 

Hayward gestured forward to the large window in his office. “They’re running some tests on her now, but so far the data has remained conclusive. There is no longer brain function.” Numbly Wanda walked up to the large window and glanced down, feeling the life drain from her at the sight of you. Pale and on what looked like an experimentation table, surrounded by several S.W.O.R.D. scientists.  “I’m afraid it’s time to start talking about letting her go.”

Wanda spun around to face him angrily. “Let her go?” she cried, her voice cracking. “She’s all I have.”

Hayward held his hands up slightly. “It’s only a matter of days before she’s unable to breathe on her own and her heart stops being.”

Empty. That’s what she felt at his words. She wanted to scream. Her powers reacted to the emotion she was feeling before her mind did as the glass she was leaning on shattered. Without hesitation she floated down to where you were. Her heart hammering in her chest the closer she got. 

The world around her went dark and the only sight she was able to take in was the way your chest weakly rose and fell with each breath. With shaking hands, she raised them to your temple as feeble wisps of red floated from her fingertips and disappeared into your mind. 

All she saw was darkness. 

“I can’t feel you.” She whispered brokenly, the pain in her chest overcoming her. The sensation composing her entire being as everything within her collapsed. She was alone, and she knew she wouldn’t recover. Then everything went dark around her. ________________________________

“Darling, have you seen my notebook? I’m running late for my meeting with my editor and I can’t seem to find it anywhere.” You questioned hastily as you rushed into the kitchen and skidded to a halt in the entry way. Looking around the area with a frazzled expression on your face.

Wanda looked over from her place by the stove and waved her hand, the notebook floating from under your arm to directly in front of your face. “You mean this one, dear?” She asked with an amused smile. 

Sheepishly you plucked the notebook out of the air as you made your way over to her. “What would I do without you?” You leaned forward so your lips rested gently against her own.

“Mmm,” Wanda mumbled with a smile as she spoke against your lips. Her arms resting comfortably over your shoulders. “I believe your mind would fail you, sweetheart.”

Your hands fell to her waist as you pulled her closer. “That’s for certain.” You replied easily with a loving smile. “Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”

A small blush spread over her cheeks. “You have not but thank you. You look beautiful as well, darling. I’m beginning to get jealous that your editor gets to spend the day in your presence. Speaking of…” she trailed off and glanced pointedly at the clock.

“My meeting!” Your eyes widened as you pressed one last loving kiss to her lips. “I’ll be going now. I love you, darling. I’ll be home soon!” You shouted as you began running out. 

Wanda shook her head at you, the smile on her face never faltering. “I love you, too, dear!” She called after you, pretending to catch the kiss you blew to her as you rushed out the door. She sighed happily and leaned against the wall of the kitchen. 

The end.

 . . . . . .

“Glad you were able to make it, Rogers.” Fury said seriously as he shook Steve’s hand. “And Ms. Romanoff. Welcome back.” He shook her hand as well. 

Steve nodded easily in response. “Of course. You know that I’d be here in a heartbeat for Y/n. Wanda as well.” Both followed Fury into a large make-shift tent located in the woods. 

“What exactly are we dealing with?” Natasha asked, confusion lacing her words.

For a moment Fury seemed to ponder her question. “We’re not entirely sure.”

“Does Wanda even know that she saved Y/n? That she was never gone?” Steve questioned seriously, his arms crossed as he stared at the screen before him. 

Fury shook his head. “No. It seems Hayward convinced Wanda that Y/n was gone, no brain function. What Wanda didn’t know was he had gone rogue. Every serum they injected in Y/n kept her in her comatose state rather than attempt to wake her up like they were telling Wanda. I’ve looked at the files that my inside contacts gave me, and it seems Y/n should have been up in the first day or two to recover from minor brain swelling.”

“Why are they doing this though?” Natasha questioned as she looked over the chart. Steve’s jaw was clenched as he listened to each detail.

Taking the chart from Natasha, Fury turned the pages until he found what he was looking for and handed it back to Natasha. “Right there. It seems that Y/n carries a rare mutant gene that they could extract and essentially build an army with. They believed that if they removed Wanda from the picture they could continue the experiments and eventually wipe Y/n’s memory to use her as a weapon. Turn her into a super solider… but much worse because of her powers.” There was an edge to his tone. “They are very interested in her ability to manipulate earth and metal. They had considered Wanda briefly as well, but the perfect opportunity presented itself with Y/n. That’s why they insisted on her transfer to their facility.” 

“How do we get them back before Hayward gets to them?” Steve questioned quietly, a dangerous tone to his voice.

Instead of answering Fury gestured to the woman who had been sitting and listening to the conversation. “Wanda isn’t letting anyone with ties to your past in. Fury already tried. She won’t let you or Natasha in.” They both stared at her. “I didn’t introduce myself. Sorry, my name is Darcy Lewis. Astrophysics. Big fan.” The bespectacled woman rambled. 

Natasha smirked, an amused glint in her eye. “Okay, Darcy Lewis, what’s our next step?”

“We’ll do whatever it takes.” Steve finished powerfully as they all watched you and Wanda share a sweet kiss before the credits began to roll on the screen before them.

Well, that’s all folks! 13 parts completed! It’s been a journey writing this and it is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written. This story has become my baby and it always brings me so much joy to read your comments and seeing others enjoy it. I had a plan for this chapter since the moment I began writing this story but it was so hard when it came down to writing because of the most recent episode of Wandavision, so I tweaked it a little. Was it a sadder or happier ending? You may never know. Thank you all so much for taking this journey with me. I hope you enjoyed. 

As always, thoughts and comments always welcome. :)

p.s. I brought back Steve and Nat but I couldn’t figure out how to make Tony surviving make sense or fit the story, sorry. Still love Tony. 

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 1

a/n: this is a mini-series that are based off of your asks and once i,,,,, finish,,,, my seijoh phase, i will also do this for the other schools but pls take these offerings in the meantime as i work on the next part of my manager!seijoh and the time traveler au 

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: 

Wow, your series of Seijoh managers is so cute.🥺👉👈 After starting to read, I can only think about Oikawa and y / n on a Saturday night seeing mean girls, painting nails, taking care of the skin and the another day Oiks rubbing the face of everyone who spends much more time with his dear businessman LMAOO Anyway, congratulations on your work 💕💕 seriously, I LOVE this series omg-

I MIGHT BE AN IWA AND KYO STAN BUT OIKS IS DEFINITELY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTIEST DUMPSTER IVE EVER SEEN

yep lets start the pilot

so basically, oikawa was being oikawa again

what might i mean, you ask

well, he was starting to work much harder than before since this was his last ever inter-high and his last ever chance on beating ushiwaka 

even though they finally have the team assembled avengers assemble! with kyo back on the team, he still felt lacking and wanted to use every single free time to work on becoming better

yall fun fact about me, oikawa is actually my favorite character bc of how hard he works and the pain i have in that once scene during the karasuno match when he slammed into the tables and was struggling to get up bc of his knee----NO IM SOBBING AGAIN

iwa noticed him doing this again so he sent you out to drag him out and distract him from this 

‘cmon oikawa-san-’

‘NO, Y/N-CHAN! I HAVE TO-’

‘no, the only thing you have to do is spend time with me bc i miss you and i want to have that movie you kept talking about’

bahahaha he is so whipped that a single ‘i miss you’ from you will literally make him break his back and bend for you

it was successful and you were in your room, your parents understanding oikawa and his antics since youve complained about it before, and he was sitting on your floor while looking through movies

‘y/n-chan, do you have no alien movies in here? or barbie?’

IN MY CONTENT, IT IS CANON THAT OIKAWA LOVES THE BARBIE MOVIES FITE ME

you laughed from your spot on your bed and shook your head

‘no, oikawa-san. natsu took all my barbie movies and i get scared of alien movies’

he pouted but continued to look until his eyes literally lit up

it was like god took a picture of him and you saw the flash

‘MEAN GIRLS! Y/N-CHAN I DIDNT KNOW YOU LIKED THIS TYPE OF MOVIE!’

he shrieked but you shrugged

‘meh. katsuki, natsu’s boyfriend, gave it to natsu as a joke but he gave it to me instead bc he cannot stand regina george’

you reasoned while picking out nail polish colors and looking through the ingredients of your face masks

‘WE’RE WATCHING THIS! PERIODT!’

omg hes so loud but i am too so we compatible

ugh i hate my logic

then later,

as the movie played, you were arguing with oikawa as he refused to wear the unicorn and wanted the panda one, which was your favorite

‘OIKAWA-SAN, I LIKE THIS ONE!’

‘Y/N-CHAN I LIKE IT MORE!’

you sucked in a sharp breath before relenting bc you wanted oikawa to be relaxed per request of your beloved senpai

‘fine. but i get to paint your nails’

he nodded eagerly and you handed him the packet, to which he simply stared at it

‘y/n-chan, can you,,,, put it on me?’

he sheepishly asked and you gave him a confused and bewildered look

‘oikawa-san, have you never put these on yourself?’

he shook his head, cheeks flushing and eyes focusing on the blue blanket

‘my sister always put it on for me. or iwa-chan’

‘IWA-?! wHAT-?!’

but you nodded anyways and he made you sit on his lap to put it on

‘um, oikawa-san, this position-’

he smiled at you, a gentle and real smile, not the ones for his fangirls

‘nuh uh, its fine, y/n-chan. oikawa-san loves you so he likes you right here’

he mumbled, blushing and wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you closer making you giggle and nod

‘okay. close your eyes then, oikawa-san’

he excitedly nodded, expecting a kiss from you but you flicked his forehead making his eyes fly open and wince at the pain

‘so perverted, oikawa-san. pervert-oikawa-san’

you scolded and he pouted

he said something but you didnt listen, instead placing the mask on his face and smoothing it out

his fringe was about to touch the wet material so you hastily grabbed a clip and held his hair up

he looked so cute that you couldnt help but reach over and snap a picture of him

‘ara ara gomen did y/n-chan just take a picture of oikawa-san?’

he teased but you shook your head

‘no. what are you talking about?’

he did the same thing to you and now you were both painting each other’s nails, ofc staying loyal to your school mint green and baby blue on the ring fingernail

lmao dont blast me for not being exact w the school colors but it looks mint green to me

he finished yours first and omg?? hes so??? good?? like what???

you were holding his large hands with your small fingers and his heart started thumping really fast at the simple touch 

‘thank you,,,,, y/n-chan’

you looked up to him with large eyes, still unfamiliar with the softness of his voice

it was such a contrast compared to his usually loud and obnoxious, mocking tone

‘oikawa-san is not a really good captain since he burdens and bothers everyone but you always fix it all and keep everyone together. so, sorry for everything’

he mumbled and the eye holes from the mask let you see his sad eyes, genuinely sad about himself

you made the last paint stroke and capped the nail polish before leaning forwards, hands on his thigh so you could be closer

oikawa ofc freaked out because wow youre so much prettier up close and he doesnt?? deserve you??

your eyes blazed with anger and he stuttered your name but you cut him off

‘OIKAWA-SAN IS NOT USELESS. HE IS A REALLY GOOD CAPTAIN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO BATTLE THE ULTIMATE RIVAL AND EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST, THEY STILL WON IN MY EYES. YOU GOT KENTA-KUN TO COME BACK EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT WANT TO BUT HE DID BC HE KNOWS HOW GOOD YOU ARE. HE WANTS TO PLAY ALONGSIDE A PLAYER WHO DESERVES TO BE ON THE COURT AND EVERYONE ELSE THINKS THE SAME THING. ME, Y/N, IS JUST A MANAGER WHO MIGHT NOT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT VOLLEYBALL OR THE TECHNIQUES AND ALL THAT BUT I RECOGNIZE YOUR TALENT AND YOU WILL MAKE IT BIG SOMEDAY, OIKAWA-SAN! I PROMISE! AND WHEN YOU DO, I WILL SUPPORT YOU AND COME TO YOUR GAMES BC YOU ARE MY CAPTAIN AND I DONT REGRET EVER MEETING YOU. SO DONT APOLOGIZE AND SAY SORRY TO ME, INSTEAD TELL ME YOU ARE HAPPY TO BE IN THIS TEAM AND SAY YOU LOVE THE TEAM AND YOU LOVE VOLLEYBALL AND YOU LOVE-’

but he cut you off, placing a chaste kiss on your exposed nose

yall really thought it was the,,,, speaking function part of your face

nahnahnah that is only for the doggie

oop what

 you stopped, flustered at the sudden action but oikawa smiled

‘i love you, y/n. i really love you so give me a chance, okay? i will wait, no matter how long it takes but,,,, let me catch up and for now, think about me, okay?’

BRUH HOW IS THAT RELEVANT TO HER LONG RANT LIKE WHAT---

you tilted your head to the side, confused

she is deadass naive like bls protect her

‘a chance for what? you want to catch up for what? youre already good, oikawa-san’

then he laughed

so much more different than the ones he let out in public

it was so,,,, beautiful

you found yourself grinning with him and he calmed down, brushing away the stray hairs that is in danger of getting stuck on your mask

‘come on, y/n-chan. lets go take this off’

he stood up and offered his hand which you took

after the moisturizing and final touch-ups for your skin, you finally settled on the blanket fort and dozed off, the movie still playing but you were too comfortable in oikawa’s arms that you didnt even notice the credits rolling

the next day, you didnt feel the need to mention it at all

but oikawa did and it was still truly an accident

iwa heard about him staying late again and you having to drag him out of there and he was hitting him and kicking him again

you were so used to this that you were just writing down your notes at the corner, oblivious to oikawa’s crying

finally, he had enough of it

‘SEE THIS IS WHY Y/N-CHAN DOESNT LET YOU SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HER! BECAUSE YOU ARE SO MEAN!’

um, sire what did you just say

that was completely taken out of context and everyone, omg, especially iwa and kyo just froze

‘what,,, did you just say?’

iwa asked in a dangerously low voice and you shrugged

‘you told me to distract him, iwa-san, so i did. he was happy and satisfied and thats all that matters, right?’

you shot them a smile and oiks had such a smug smile when iwa looked at him and he was about to hit him when kyo just came out of nowhere and YEETED the smile off of his face

oikawa screamed

just a wittle blurb about this bc i totally love this :( and he totally needs more love and some of my readers love oikawa and want oikawa manager content so here it is!!! feast on these crumbs!!!!

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made. 

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth,  because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth. 

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before. 

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it  on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt. 

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol,  i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk. 

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand. 

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most.  it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him. 

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult. 

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil. 

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention. 

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks. 

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

[midyxthcrisis]

let them go - part three | j.t.

part one | part two

sorry for not posting last night! i was with family and didn’t have the time to write

The next thing you remembered was waking up in a bright white room to the never ending sound of the heart monitor you were attached to. You shifted a little, a groan leaving your lips in response to the soreness that had settled in your ribs.

“Morning, sunshine.” You looked over to see none other than Jason Todd sitting on a chair with that signature cocky smile on his lips. 

“Where the fuck am I and why the hell are you here?” 

“We are at Titans Tower, babe, and I am here because Dick asked me to. He couldn’t be here to keep an eye on you.Titans shit, I guess.”

There was a warmth that again bloomed in your chest at the thought that Dick had specifically asked Jason to watch you. Perhaps Dick could see the way your eyes seemed to soften whenever you looked at the young Robin. Or that you had fainted in Jason’s arm as soon as Trigon lost control of you and Jason refused to leave your side afterwards.  

“Titans Tower... I never thought I would actually get to see the place. Dick’s told me stories about the Titans. What happened while I was out?” You had sat up properly and soon realized that you were wearing a shirt you didn’t recognized. It clearly wasn’t yours, you would have known, but you also knew it couldn’t have been Dick’s. On the front of the shirt was the logo for some band you didn’t know. You could only assume it was Rachel’s. She seemed to be someone who was into shit like that.

Jason filled you in on everything that had happened while you were unconscious. Who Rachel’s father was, how he had gotten control of you all, the week or so following when Dick had dropped you all off at a motel before going to Gotham in order to talk to Bruce.

“Holy shit. So what, are we all Titans or something?”

Jason shrugged and stood up from the chair he was sitting in. You were working on taking the various ivs and other things that were stuck in your skin. “I’m not. I’m going back to Gotham soon. The only reason we’re here is because Bruce wanted Dick to bring me along.”

You could feel your face falling slightly at the words Jason spoke. He was leaving. Going back to the one place you swore you would never go back to. A part of you wanted to go with him, to see what had become of Gotham since you had left. But you pushed that part deep deep down and told yourself that you had just met this boy. You had to stay with Dick, who you had known for years and trusted with your life.

“Oh, well, um, thanks for staying with me. Do you know where Dick is?” You had shifted in the bed so you were sitting with your legs hanging over the edge. There was a pounding in your head and a dull ache in your ribs. You pushed past the pain and willed yourself up from the bed, a soft groan passing through your lips.

“I’m not sure, the last time I saw him he was in the security room.”

“Thanks, for everything.” You walked over to the boy can gave him a gentle smile. “I’ll see you later, Boy Wonder.” With a pat on the shoulder and a moment of silent pain, you slowly walked out of the hospital room and off to find Dick.

- - -

A thick piece of black fabric covered your eyes as you stood in the middle of the sparring ring. There was a wooden sword in your hand, you had gotten used to the weight of it over the past few weeks of sparring. Jason stood across from you, wearing the same blindfold and holding the same sword as you were. It was a dumb training thing that Dick was making you all do. His explanation for it was that you never knew what would be taken from you while in combat, including your sight. 

“Don’t hold back on me, babe.” You heard Jason’s voice ring out in the room. You could hear the smirk in his voice as he spoke. You let out a chuckle and adjusted your position. It had been a few weeks since you all had arrived at Titans Tower.

“I’m sure you’ve been wishing to say that to me, Boy Wonder. And don’t worry, I won’t.”

With that the spar started as you lunged forward and attempted to land a hit on Jason. Within the few weeks that you had been at the tower, you and Jason had only grown closer. The two of you would spend your days drinking shitty beer and listening to the collection of records Dick had in the tower between sparring sessions. The sparring sessions were certainly a sight to see, that was for sure. There were joking remarks thrown and momentary pauses where the two of you would just stand there. Sweaty, breathing heavily, trying your best to ignore the comments from Gar and Rachel for you two to “Just kiss already damnit!” Sometimes you swore you saw Dick standing in the hallway with a bowl of popcorn when you and Jason would spar. 

You were falling behind in the spar. You had always gone the defensive route when it came to spars, but this time you went the offensive route. It must have been a sight to see; you getting your ass kicked by none other than Robin. There was a moment when the two of you were circling around each other. You could hear him shifting the weight oddly between his feet. You had come to learn Jason’s fighting patterns very well over the few weeks.

You didn’t think as you lifted your hand and felt the familiar cold energy rush through you. 

“What the fuck, Y/N?” You immediately took off the blindfold and dropped the sword onto the ground when you had seen what you did. You had unintentionally put up a wall of ice between you two out of pure instinct.

“That has to be cheating. Dick said-”

“Dick never said that we couldn’t use our abilities! You’re just pissed because you don’t have any. You’re basically a glorified bodyguard that wears fucking spandex.” You had touched the ice wall preventing you from getting closer to him and it quickly disappeared. Over the few weeks you had gained a better control of your abilities, and now you could do things like the wall of ice.

“I’m not a fucking bodyguard, and it’s zylon, not spandex.” This was slowly becoming the back and forth you often had with Jason. Gar had started calling them flirt battles, even going as far as to commentate a few of them. 

“Really? Tell that to the tights I found in your room the other day.” There was grin on your lips as you stepped up to the boy. You knew that you had won this one from the way his lips curled into the smirk that sent your stomach into somersaults. You two were so close that one movement would press your lips together, and it seemed to put you and Jason under a spell that was only broken by Gar’s voice.

“What were you doing in Jason’s room?” There was a teasing smile on his lips, a soft laugh emerging from Rachel. 

“I was showing him a new record I got from the place down the street and Boy Wonder forgot to put away his suit.” It seemed to be that every day you were flushing more. For the first time in your life you weren’t chronically cold, whether that meant sweating from training or having warm cheeks from the constant teasing coming from your other teammates. 

“Yeah, sure. I think Dick wanted to see us after you were done.” Gar wasn’t buying your story and that was obvious. But he let it go and hopped down from the table him and Rachel had been sitting on before walking out of the room. You and Jason were alone again. You picked up your own blindfold and sword before replacing them on the shelves where they had come from.

“You wanna go for coffee later? There’s a place not too far from here that’s also a record store-”

“Hell yeah, I’m in.” A smile stretched across your lips at Jason’s response. You hadn’t even gotten the full sentence out and he had already agreed to. There was a flutter in your heart when you realized that fact.

- - - 

Unfortunately that coffee would have to wait. 

You all soon learned that a man who had tormented the original Titans had escaped from prison, and that meant the Titans were getting back together in the tower. To say your nerves were high was an understatement. You hadn’t seen any actual conflict since Trigon, and you were unconscious for days after that. What if that happened again? Or worse.

The original Titans had gone out to try and capture Dr. Light when they figured out that he was drawing power from the stadium nearby. You could tell that Jason was antsy, he had shown up in his suit ready to go only to be shot down by Dick. He had gone to his room after that and hadn’t come out since. You gently knocked on his door before opening it and leaning yourself against the doorframe.

“Didn’t think Jason Todd was one for a pity party.” You teased, a smile on your lips. It was true. Jason always seemed like a strong person. You thought that at the most he would mope for a couple minutes and be over with it.

“Fuck off, Y/N.” As much as he hated it, there was his own smile creeping to his lips as he spoke. Unfortunately you didn’t get a chance to make any witty comeback as a voice rang out through the whole tower alerting you to the Titans’ return. The four of you who had been left behind all emerged from your rooms to see what had happened.

And they had let Dr. Light get away. 

Jason was pissed, and everyone could see it. He had yelled at Dick about how he wouldn’t have let Dr. Light get away. It all happened rather quickly, really, and before you had the chance to stop either of them Jason was throwing a punch and Dick had pushed Jason down to the floor. There were a few moments of silence before Jason stood up and stormed away. You fought the urge to go after him. You knew that it would only end in a screaming match or you getting kicked out of his room. It was best to leave him alone when he was like this.

“What the fuck was that, Dick?” Your voice broke the tense silence that had settled over everyone.

“I was- I didn’t mean to.” 

Instead of responding you just walked back to your room, clearly shaken up by the confrontation. You never had enjoyed violence. It was quite ironic really. You came from Gotham and yet panicked every time someone fought in front of you. Especially when it was two people you cared deeply about. It sucked, but Jason had manage to worm his way into your heart in a way nobody ever had. 

That was why you made yourself rise from your bed and go check on him. You had knocked on his door a couple times, only to receive no answer, so you opened the door and saw nobody was in there. And that the briefcase where he kept his suit was gone from its normal place.

“Shit.” You mumbled to yourself as you rushed to the control room to find Gar. He could pull up Jason’s tracker and you would find him in no time. Nobody would even notice that he was gone. 

But Gar was gone too.

“Shit!” You immediately rushed to the main area of the tower, your breathing heavy from a mixture of nerves and the fact that you had sprinted there. Everyone had turned to look at you with confusion.

“I can’t find Gar or Jason. And Jason’s suit is gone.”

[willpowers]

I know its 2021 and I havent written for death note since 2007 but like, ive been up all night so here meronia fandom, no more lurking in the reblogs lol

Rated T for swearing and like, implied possibility of nsfw?

Drabble 1

With the soft click of his door, Near let out a soft sigh.

Kira was unmasked and defeated, he had won.

No.

They had won.

His hand instantly went to his neck, almost on instinct by now, and held the cheaply made beads and wooden red cross he hid under his shirt.

Near had never been religious, and he knew these beads were just symbolic, the first one he could buy at midnight on that night, when grief kept him up and walking through the unexplored city, needing something tangible. So he could deny.

Denial was normal.

This... Was normal.

He winced slightly as the cheap wood splintered a bit, poking his pale finger. He let go of the effigy and held his still clenched hand at his side.

What would he do now?

Logically, he knew. He was L.

“Nate River” died with the man named Lawliet. Died with the thunderous slamming of the orphanage door that a 14 year old boy should not have been able to make.

L.

“Near” was dead now too.

Died with that man. Light Yagami.

So L he was.

A predictable future for a perfect boy whose only flaw was not worshipping a strange adult who came to visit. His apathy, which before gave him freedom, was the final bar in this jail cell of a title.

Did he enjoy being a detective? Probably, in some way. The battle against Kira thrilled him.

No, it wasn’t the one against Kira that kept his attention.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the puppets. He let them all fall to the ground. One by one, their tiny rubber bodies bounced a bit. There was L, first dead. Near never cared for him much. Took him five minutes to throw together something of a resemblance.

There was Kira. Honestly he was thinking about the hamburgler for this one. Petty killer with petty burger thief. Fitting.

Then Misa... Mikami... The others. Names he couldnt wait to just file away in some police report and forget about.

Then himself.

The white puppet, which he didn’t put too much energy into, but still made look a bit like him. He was simple. Monochromatic and bored.

Then him. He picked up the blonde puppet carefully, remembering how it took all night to get it right. He painted every detail he remembered from their one meeting at the headquarters. From every hidden camera quick shot of the man who was as bright as he was loud.

He couldn’t bear to even think his name.

Near picked up the puppet of him, putting them in their usual spots on his index and middle fingers. He would enjoy the thought of being on Nears middle finger. He was vulgar enough to.

He stared at them, and stood up. They needed a better home. The puppets didn’t have to be thrown away, like the real counterparts. Near opened his best toy chest, one he put his favorite toys into, and laid the two puppets, side by side. He put the blonde puppet slightly higher than the white one. A little victory. One the real man couldn’t claim by his side.

Near closed the toy chest, then looked back around his room. His toys were scattered, dice piled high, and cards strewn about.

The sight disgusted him.

It looked so... Normal.

He kicked over the dice, letting the clatter as they fall echo through the silent room. Kneeling down, he picked up the finished puzzles and dumped them out, one after the other. Their perfect completion being ruined by the destruction, and wet by the falling tears the boy didn’t even know he was capable to make.

Near knelt in the middle of his mess and grit his teeth, letting more of those rare droplets fall, tainting all his toys.

Why did such a win feel like such a loss? Like it had no meaning? He always did what was told. Kept quiet, did well on tests, become a detective. Catch Kira. Save the day. Save the world.

But he didn’t care at all. He had only loved one thing in his life, and in the process of fulfilling his duty... Their duty... He lost him.

Taking in a shaky breath, Near picked up the toys and pieces of puzzle and dice and cards and put them in his bigger chest. He took his time. He usually had the others do this for him, but he hated the person who was reliant on everyone to do everything. That man fucked up. He was foolish. He could die along with the rest of the casualties.

At one point, he heard his door open. He mentally chastised himself for forgetting to lock it.

“I thought I requested the night alone.” He said sternly, trying to not let his emotions show.

However, he got no response, only footsteps closer.

Footsteps with a heavy walk that none of his associates used.

Footsteps that should be six feet under.

Hallucination wasn’t one of the stages of grief. And it wasn’t on his agenda. He bit his lip, not sure what to think about. He didnt want to turn around. If he was wrong about who it was...

So he put more toys away. Methodically putting away robot after robot.

Soon another hand joined him. Taking a stuffed sheep and tossing it on the bed.

Only one person would know that goes there.

He reached for another toy. But hesitated. His mind was racing, trying to put together the puzzle. Figure out what was real. What was a lie.

A charred, bandaged hand grabbed the toy and put it away.

“Are you going to ignore me forever, or just until your toys are away.”

Near’s breath hitched a bit, the voice was deeper, damaged, but unmistakable.

He finally looked behind him, eyes a bit wider than usual, but still doing his best not to show his emotions. He had to have some cards left in his hand, for whatever game this was.

He looked like shit.

His hair was uneven and singed, his scar had gotten deeper and he could tell from the bandages he got more scars in new places. If he was here, he had to have survived a gasoline based truck fire.

He had to have survived the Death Note.

The man smirked.

“Sorry to interrupt your pity party, but it just so happened a kidnapped girl under immense pressure couldn’t accurately write a slavic name.”

Near stood up, walking over and gently touching his scar. He felt the other recoil, but he couldn’t care less.

He pressed harder, and earned a wince. He felt the warmth, a bit of blood from the wound staining his pale white fingers.

Blood.

Fresh blood.

He was alive.

“Mihael.” He said, under his breath, only able to be heard by the man before him.

He stepped closer. He pressed a hand on his chest, felt his heartbeat. He closed his eyes and counted... Steady, not in danger. Warm, quickening?

Near closed his fist a bit, gripping the leather under his palm. His fingernails would leave marks. But he could mark him. He was here to mark.

“Mihael...” He said, slightly louder. A reminder to himself.

Mihael snorted. “What, did you just remember it?” He said, a bit of a flush on his pale face. He could flush. He was blushing.

Near gripped his collar roughly, pulling him down and pressing his still lips to the others. It was awkward and obviously full of inexperience.

He felt the other snort, and could imagine him rolling his eyes. Probably savoring that he was going to obviously beat him at this. Near could care less.

The blonde held his face and tilted it into a proper kiss.

Ah.

This was actually a lot better.

Near kept the contact, using the new angle to press further against him, closing his eyes now, like he figured he was supposed to do. He was out of his depth here. There was no swell of orchestra or butterflies in his digestive system... But it was enough.

He pulled back, looking at him proper now. They were still holding each other, Near by his face and Mihael by his collar.

“Youre not better than me. For kissing me first.” He said, an uncomfortable look on his beet red face.

“I never claimed to be.” Was his response. “About anything. That was you.”

Mihael glared. “Stop it. Stop saying that. Not... now.” He looked down. It seemed Near wasn’t the only one feeling a lost sense of something.

Near looked at him and pulled back, taking him by the hand and pulling him towards the bed.

“Prove youre better then. Unless you accept defeat..” He said, a coy grin creeping onto his face.

Mello went with him, smiling.

Nothing was solved, pieces weren’t clicked together in a perfect fit, the world didn’t suddenly make sense, and neither of them had a plan. However, they had a start.

And it looked promising.

[nitannichionne]

Luna IV, Chapter 4: Dinner and Dessert (Cavill Syverson Fanfic)

You take your time cooking. You investigate the kitchen slowly as you go, giving yourself time to acclimate and hopefully get a better grip on your feelings. You can hear Sy stirring about the house, though you don't know what he is doing or where he is inside it, for that matter. You take deep breaths to soothe your nerves, allowing the smell of food to relax you and waft through the house. You are suddenly thankful you spent time with the cook growing up; you can make a meal for two or for a party.

Tears fill your eyes. You never dreamed your imprisonment would be this way. You are ready to fight other women. You are ready to protect poor soul like Gabrielle. You are ready to be in solitary confinement. You are ready for a lot of things, but not this. You simply are not ready for him, your private jailer, your private warden to “train” you.

You assessed Sy even as you bucked against him earlier. He is not a violent man, at least, not toward women. He is a no-nonsense man; you smile, noting your warden's similarity to your father, missing him so, but immediately steel the warm feeling that comes with it. Sy is shorter than your father, smaller, but he looks just as strong...perhaps because he is younger.

You didn't miss that body—Sy looks battle ready even if he hasn't seen it in some time. His eyes are very blue, and you watched the tint change with his mood-steel calm, glints of gray with concern, electric blue when he was lighthearted, a storm at sea when he takes you...stop it, you tell yourself. Don’t drown in those eyes, just learn to interpret them so you can find ways around them, you tell yourself, no matter how beautiful you think they are... That stupid system you hate had picked your jailer, and you have to mentally give them credit: They picked right.

You are plating food as Sy enters the kitchen, reminding you of a beast led by his nose. He stands behind and almost over you as you go about your task, seemingly inhaling the meal that promises to be delicious, but you feel like he is also sniffing your hair.

“Jasmine?” he murmurs.

“What?”

He shakes his head, and swallows hard. “Nothing.”

Your whole body tingles with awareness. He was sniffing your hair. They allowed you to pick your scented soap, which you thought was ridiculous, but now makes sense. And he was right-you used jasmine…and he likes it.

He sits down and looks at the food as you bring it to him.  “You can cook.”

“My father had a chef.”

“This will be quite a pleasure then,” he says, still looking at the food. “I have not had a trainee in some time. I am usually in charge of the others to make sure they are not abusive, but they asked me to take you on.”

You have nothing to say to that. You go to the cooling unit and see quite a few choices to accompany the main course. You turn and put your hands behind your back in “at ease” position. “What would you like with this?”

He recognizes the military stance, and tenses.

That’s right, you got more than you bargained for, you tell him with your eyes. You don’t know who you’re fucking with.

His gaze roves over your body and again, the sets the unwanted sensual tension between you. You lift your chin, telling yourself not to care, and await his answer. "I don't care, really."

"May I suggest you eat first, and wait a little on drinking?" you ask as you turn to the cooling unit to make a selection.

"To speed my digestion."

You turn with a fruity but light wine. "Yes."

He smiles slowly. "Thank you, I'll take your suggestion." He gestures for you to sit.

You warily do so, hoping to eat alone, but now you realize he expects you to eat with him. Your gazes lock, neither taking eyes off the other. You realize he is going to be the most formidable opponent you’ve ever had in your life, mostly because he is compatible with you. You work to not allow your gaze to waver. This was a staring contest, but he is already playing dirty, allowing his eyes to smolder as if he has more on his mind than food. A small smirk crosses his features and you realize the flush of your cheeks might have been visible. Damn!

He lifts the plate to rotate and sniff it. He gives you a look of approval that doesn't surprise you and takes his first forkful. The food melts in his mouth and he closes his eyes for a moment to enjoy it, then opens his eyes and frowns. "Where is your plate?"

"I can eat now?"

He suppresses a chuckle at your sarcastic tone, and you are disappointed that he is not easily irritated. "Of course. I'm no brute." You do not move, and he whispers your name to make you lock eyes with him again. “I’m not.”

That remains to be seen, your glare tells him. Maybe if you stay this way, watch him eat, you will eat alone--

"If you didn't make enough, I will share with you."

Your eyebrows rise at that.

"Yes, I think that's a good idea," he smiles, seeing your discomfort.

You take a deep breath, and close your eyes briefly. He is amused at your struggle to control your temper. You have been trying to prick his and got nothing but amusement from him. Your words are slow and measured: "I assure you—"

“I don’t mind feeding you, pet.” He voice is smooth, seductive, letting the double meaning sink in fully. “Not at all.”

You go and get your plate, almost slamming the platter down, but slowing just as it touches the table. You sit and look up at him, burning with frustration. He had won this round. He raises his fork in salute and you begin eating.

He keeps looking at you as if he wants to say something, ask something, but doesn’t. He is giving you time to adjust and you wish he’d get on with it, give you reason to hate him. "I want you to know that I am not a cruel man, and have never been a cruel warden. I meant what I said: you will determine how difficult things get."

You tense. This whole system is bullshit, you want to tell him.

He doesn’t miss your expression and takes a deep breath as you avert your eyes. "What is it?"

"That may be true, but you are part of a cruel system."

"That may be true, but you killed someone."

Your head snaps up, your eyes sparking. He looks like he wished he hadn’t said that, but he made that mistake-his first. "One that you know of." You swallow hard; there was no victory in that.

He takes a napkin and dabs at the corner of your eyes and you snatch it, angry at yourself for one drop of emotion escaping you. "I realize you seem to have deep seated anger—"

"Seem?" You laugh, but now you feel floodgates threatening to open. The death of your father, being under scrutiny, having everything taken from you, being offered like a piece of meat to a man you barely know and don’t want, only to be convicted for not allowing him to claim you, being humiliated, convicted, jailed. NO! He is part of that system, you tell yourself. You look at the plate, and drop your fork.

"What?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You must eat," he says softly, slowing his eating with concern in his eyes. "You have not eaten in over twelve hours."

"I am not hungry," she smile with a sneer, your voice a whisper. You don’t care if the tears are in your eyes.

He sighs heavily and avert his eyes, only to raise them to you again, his expression soft and pleading. "Please...I want you to stay as healthy as you are now."

Your smile fades. You are conditioned for certain kinds of combat, of punishment, but not kindness.

He pours you a small glass of wine, and leans closer. "Please."

He watches and waits for your reaction. You were going to fight him and the moons?! If he came any closer, it wouldn't be just food you would have to try to fight your desire for. You pick up your fork again, and avert your eyes.

“Thank you.”

Sy finishes his dinner, and you expect him to get up and leave.

He doesn’t.

He watches you eat.

You are nervous, and your stomach probably can't take more than a little at a time right now. Every time you take a bite, he licks his lips. Every time you drink, he stares at your body in building appreciation and lust. You become a bundle of nerves under his gaze. When you finally finish eating, he drinks the last of his wine, and rises from his chair. You exhale heavily, thinking he was going to walk by you but he grabs your wrist, and leads you back to the lounger.

He settles you back against the pillows, taking the dress off you again. "That was delicious."

You squirm under him, unsure if you are trying to get closer or find the chance to escape.

"I trust you can make desserts...with the same skill?" He begins kissing the hollow of her throat, and murmurs your name, urging you to answer.

"Y-yes,” you breathe, the sound of your name from his lips stroking your nerves in a delicious way.

"Good." With that, he kisses you slowly, and you both release a small sigh of pleasure at tasting wine in each other's mouths. He lowers his head to your breasts, gently taking turns on suckling each as he thrusts his fingers inside you, making you gasp and whimper at how wet and ready you are for him, how the ache leapt within you and spread. He uses a slow rhythm on you, calming you yet helping you learn to revel in the satisfaction he can give you. You arch and gasp as your wetness flows over his fingers. "Good..." He lowers his head between your legs, his fingers still in place, and works you again, his fingers thrusting in a slightly faster rhythm as his tongue sucks and laps at you.

You pant and twist, clawing at the pillows around you. He reaches up with his free hand and brings your hand to the back of his head slowly, and you bring the other down to him, cradling and caressing his head as your hips come off the lounger. He moans in response to your cries drinking you as you feel lightheaded. Finally he climbs over you and thrusts into you again. You arch to him, reveling in how he stretches and fills you, and your body instinctively clasps to him as he begins a hard quick rhythm that would satisfy you both.

He begins pounding harder as your body yields everything to him and he holds you in place. Your arms and legs embrace him as you scream. He keeps his piston-like rhythm going, and you pulsate around him uncontrollably as your head fall backs back feeling his seed heat and coat your inner walls as he growls in your ear and then bites your neck softly, drawing small tremors from you.

Sy picks you up, and carries you to bed. He lays you down on your side and positions himself behind you, his hands stroking your limbs to soothe you. "Sleep now," He purrs, kissing your hair. "rest." You want to stay awake to spite him but with all the events of the day, sleep takes you in minutes.He could tell she wanted to stay awake, but with all the events of the day, sleep takes you in minutes.

Let me know if you want to be tagged for this story! Thanks.

[theirrationalzone]

Yakkin ‘bout Games: Wolfenstein: The New Order

Yakking ‘bout Games is a series where I talk about games that I’m currently playing or have just finished. It can be new or old, console or PC, good or bad, it really doesn’t matter. If it’s a game worth talking about, you’ll see it covered here.

I think it’s fair to say that the FPS genre has enjoyed a bit of a renaissance over the last decade and a bit. The modern military shooters that dominated the late 2000s and early 2010s have become less common. We have seen the return of classic franchises like Doom and Half-Life, and we have also witnessed the influx of “boomer shooters” like Dusk and Amid Evil. A lot of cool stuff indeed.

With that being said, let’s take a trip back a few years. 2014 to be exact.

This was the first year of the (then) brand spanking new PlayStation 4 and Xbox One. The two consoles were not off to the best of starts though. Their early exclusives like Killzone Shadow Fall, InFamous Second Son, Forza Motorsport 5 and Dead Rising 3 had failed to impress. The only games picking up the slack were multi-platform releases like Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag. The only FPS games available at the time (other than Killzone on PS4) were Call of Duty Ghosts (dull as dishwater) and Battlefield 4 (I enjoyed it but it was completely broken on release.)

Not exactly the most exciting of times for an FPS fan on console.

Wolfenstein: The New Order finally came along that May. It had been announced the year prior but it didn’t have much fanfare behind it. The initial E3 showing didn’t really impress anyone and there wasn’t really a great excitement for the game’s release. Perhaps it was because the previous Wolfenstein game was largely ignored by people or maybe because people were skeptical due to the game being MachineGames’ (the developer) first effort. People needn’t have worried though. The game turned out to be a massive surprise. It ended up being one of the best of that year.

Why am I covering this now? It’s because I recently got the urge to play it again after all these years. Plus I wanted to see how it would function in a post modern Doom world. So with that in mind, let’s get psyched and see how the game holds up.

Never has a smile brought terror to my heart so fast. Well this and my last dental appointment...

The New Order is set in an alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II due to their advanced technology being too much for the Allied forces. After an operation to try and assassinate the spearhead behind this growing technological evolution goes horribly wrong, Captain William “B.J.” Blazkowicz ends up taking a piece of shrapnel to the back of the head which puts him into a vegetative state. He ends up spending fourteen years in a Polish mental asylum before finally being awoken again due to witnessing a horrible atrocity committed by the Nazis. B.J. is now in the alien world of 1960 where the Nazis rule over the world with an iron fist. It’s up to B.J. to link up with the remnants of the Resistance and take the fight back to the Nazis once and for all.

The story was and still is one of the most surprising elements of The New Order. It paints a brutal picture of a world controlled by an evil and ruthless force who will stop at nothing to assert their dominance. The cast as well are very memorable. You have the plucky and likable Resistance fighters who you get to spend quite a bit of time with. You then have some memorable encounters with the evil figureheads of the Nazi regime at certain parts of the story. Anyone who has seen the train sequence in this game knows exactly what I’m taking about. I have to give MachineGames credit as well for the characterisation of B.J. himself. They managed to turn a character who was known for being a badass Nazi killer to a very sympathetic and likable Nazi killer. B.J. in this game is weary and tired after years of fighting evil and tyranny at every corner. The man wants nothing more than for the war to be over so he can hang up his guns and finally settle down. How could you hate the man after hearing something like that?

B.J. is such an upstanding guy that he would infiltrate a Nazi controlled train just to get you some coffee. Liberation and a Cappuccino, you can’t beat it. 

The real bread and butter of The New Order though is the gameplay. It has held up fantastically for the most part. Combat is a blast thanks to the very meaty arsenal at your disposal including assault rifles, shotguns, marksman rifle and a Laserkraftwerk which allows you to blast enemies to smithereens. You’ll have plenty of enemy types to cut through including rank and file soldiers, big mech suit soldiers with heavy weaponry and robots that have massive lasers. B.J. has a few abilities though to help turn the tide of battle. Leaning is one such ability and it’s implemented very well. How it works is that if you hold the L1 button, it locks B.J. in place and you can then use the left stick to lean at different angles. It’s super useful. Earning a well placed few shots at a Nazi from a very awkward angle never gets old. B.J. also has the ability to dual-wield certain weapons to deal even more hefty damage to his foes. Press up on the d-pad and prepare to bring the carnage. While this is a pretty fun feature, it does limit your movement speed and it can result in you burning through ammo quite quickly. It also is restricted to two types of the same weapon. You can also find upgrades for weapons which give them different ammo types and fire modes. The Laserkraftwerk, for example, can be used to cut through certain boxes and materials which is pretty nifty.

In terms of how health works, it’s a hybrid between classic pick-ups and regeneration. You can recover health by picking up health packs and food throughout the game. Armor can be found as well to allow you to take some extra damage. If you take health damage and managed to find cover, you’ll eventually get 10 health points back. You also have the ability to overcharge your health. How this works is that if you end up picking up a health item that takes you over your max health, you get higher health points for a brief period which is quite useful. You can increase your max health by finding hidden health upgrades throughout some of the levels.

AI is decent for the most part. They will attempt to find cover in the heat of a firefight and they do try to flank you. Some of the heavy soldiers will also attempt to rush your position. I certainly didn’t notice any unusual behaviour from them. Boss fights are a bit unremarkable for the most part. The game pretty much spells out how to take them out and they don’t really put up much of a fight. The main exception being the final boss but even then, it really isn’t that hard.

The secret painting boss fight was an interesting idea though. Definitely a canvas for them to work on in the future. (Apologies for the bad pun and joke.)

The game does have a basic stealth system and it works fine. When you enter most of the areas in the game, you will be informed that there are two commanders in the area. Take them out without being spotted and you can sneak through the area without having to worry about reinforcements if you get spotted by an enemy. You can take down enemies stealthily by using a silenced pistol, throwing knives or by sneaking up to them and performing a takedown. Stealth can feel a little overpowered during some of the early sections because the pistol is super accurate and it only takes one headshot to take some of these enemies down. The game does balance this a bit better later on as areas are populated with more elite enemies that harder to kill without being spotted.

Being a Wolfenstein game, you would expect exploration to be a big part of the gameplay and it does play a part for sure. There are hidden areas to be found with collectibles such as the Enigma codes which can unlock new difficulties and cheat codes. You can also find hidden max HP upgrades and other stuff as well. Maps can be found in each level which will indicate possible hidden secrets with a question mark. Levels are definitely more linear than some of the prior Wolfenstein games so don’t expect huge hidden areas or levels.

Key and item hunting still exists of course. You will find doors that require a key or a tool needed to progress which requires a bit of skulking around to find that key or item. You see this especially in the Resistance HQ sections which occur after most of the levels. In these sections, you will be tasked with finding a certain item for a character to progress to the next level. There are also side missions where you can do the same thing for other characters in the HQ and completing these unlocks extras such as artwork. I’m mixed on the Resistance HQ sections overall. On the one hand, they’re good from a lore perspective because you can overhear conversations from some of the characters and there are newspaper clippings and notes to find which do a good job of building up the world. On the other hand, they do feel a little bit like filler. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose...

I don’t really have many issues with the gameplay as a whole. My only real gripe is how the weapon wheel works. Weapon wheels are commonplace on console because a controller doesn’t have many buttons when compared to a keyboard. Makes perfect sense. The New Order’s one however can be such a temperamental thing to use. How it’s supposed to work is that you hit the R1 button to bring up the wheel and then you use the right stick to pick the weapon you want. Sounds simple enough. In reality what happens is that the game ends up giving you the wrong weapon time after time. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times that I tried to switch to the assault rifle and the game switched me to the dual-wield pistols instead. It can be a bloody nuisance. Part of this is down to how sensitive the stick is when using the wheel. It’s way too fast. Also why do the dual-wield options even need to be there? You can already hit up on the d-pad to dual-wield a particular weapon plus I didn’t really need to dual-wield all that much so it’s just clutter. They could have cleaned this up a lot better. I also had issues with swapping back to the previous weapon. It would sometimes default back to the Laserkraftwerk even though it wasn’t my previous weapon. Thankfully these issues didn’t get me killed but they certainly got on my nerves a little bit.

Textbook schadenfreude here from one of the villains. Shouldn’t be that shocked really...

From a graphics point of view, Wolfenstein: The New Order still holds up remarkably well. It runs on the same idTech engine that powered Rage before it and it certainly looks great. Character models are well detailed and they animate well. Cutscenes are well framed and the angles are perfectly done. Environments are beautifully crafted with amazing detail so whether you are in rainy soaked London or even the friggin’ Moon, you feel immersed in the world of the game.

I wasn’t kidding about the Moon. Look Ma, I’m in space! (In a video game...)

The game is quite aliased on the consoles. You definitely see sharp and jagged edges at times. Plus the textures look a bit low-res when viewed up close, but the game still looks great, and I imagine the PC version cleans up most of this stuff anyway so there’s that.

Tumblr’s image compression doesn’t do this environment justice. Oh well. C’est la vie, I suppose...

I can’t fault the game’s sound though. All voice performances are pitch-perfect with Brian Bloom (the voice of B.J.) being the standout. The music is incredible too with a great balance between atmospheric tracks and hard edged ones when the action really kicks off. It’s composed by a guy named Mick Gordon. Don’t think he’s done anything of note since though.

In terms of length, you’re looking at about roughly 8-10 hours for a first time playthrough. There is replay value with the collectibles and the Timeline system. To briefly explain, the Timeline system is related to a choice you make at the start of the game which changes some of the characters you encounter during the game. It doesn’t drastically change much. The events remain the same. You just get some unique dialog and a scene or two. Not much else.

So as you can see, I think that Wolfenstein: The New Order is still a bloody good time. The shooting still feels great with some really meaty weapons, the story and characters are super engaging, and the presentation and sound still kicks some ass. It has some minor issues here and there, but this game is well worth experiencing. You can pick it up pretty cheap nowadays on most of the platforms and it does go on sale quite often.

It’s nice to go back sometimes and revisit a classic, isn’t it? 

Check back here soon for Part 2 of this where I take a look at The Old Blood. Until then, stay safe, folks!

[all-hail-the-witcher]

so now that its been over a year since ive graduated high school id like to tell you all a story that ive been thinking about a lot recently. its a bit long, but i promise its worth it. 

this post gets political, fair warning

for context: i went to high school in a very upper middle class, very white town. everyone i talk about in this story is white. 

trigger warning: mentions of the german political administration during ww2, their tactics, and extreme right politics 

junior year i took ap us history. the class itself was absolutely fantastic, definitely one of the best i took in high school. but we had Quite the assortment of kids...

my high school had this dumb thing called the university program. essentially you applied in 8th grade and it was advertised as this Special Accelerated Learning Program. spoiler alert: it was pretty stupid, all we did was take a certain number of ap classes per year and do x amount of community service. everyone hated it but we all stuck it out cause you got a chord at graduation. so if you were in the university program, you started only being in class with like a variation of the same 75 people. ap us history was one of those classes. 

in our class we had quite the mix: 98% of us were members of national honor society but in addition we had the girl who would go on to be the salutatorian, this one guy who knew more about bitcoin than anyone should, two football players who were actually not assholes, and this really passionately german kid. 

now this german kid, were going to call him s. he was...interesting. he was very very smart (everyone thought he was going to be valedictorian but he wasn't) but he took his ethnicity very seriously. and when i say ethnicity im referring to that period of german history from 1939-1945. s knew far too much about german politics, esp ww2 german politics (if youre picking up what im putting down there) and he often went as far as to “correct” our various teachers whenever germany came up and talk about very radical right ideas. but our apush teacher was a no-nonsense kinda lady and had no problem telling him “s youre wrong” which all of us absolutely Loved.

the other person in our story is one of the not asshole football players. we’ll call him d. he was what you Wished football players were like, nice, funny, almost like a class clown, would no doubt stand up for anyone getting shit talked, talked to everyone in class no matter what their “group” was and he was really smart, but not in an in your face kinda way like s was. 

so anyway. in apush we would periodically have these Round Table Debates, where there were 4 groups: 1 group of jurors who would ask questions and then three teams that were defending their own stance on whatever historical argument we were having. our teacher would sit in the back corner and take shorthand notes on what we were saying, essentially leaving the entire discussion up to us except to tell us when it was time to move on to the next group. we all Loved round table debates because we were all an intelligent group and ended up having really deep and insightful debates and also whichever team won got 5 points of extra credit as did the juror who asked the best questions. about halfway through the year, we had a debate on what to do with the philippines after world war 2 (because they were technically a us colony at that time)

i dont remember what the three different stances were that we were arguing, but i do remember that d was one of the jurors and had asked one of the teams a question. s happened to be on this team and he answered the question. they went back and forth for awhile and things started to get Pretty Heated. we were all watching them intently, not really understanding a good half of what was being said because s had a way of talking in complicated circles that took at least 5 braincells minimum to understand, and all of us being crazy ap students, only had about 2 brain cells each. 

but then, s said something in his usual backwards fashion, and d paused dramatically, staring at s intently and all of us were collectively like o shit. i have never heard a classroom that quiet, you could hear a literal pin drop. we were all waiting for 1. d to decipher what s had just said and 2. see what he was going to say in return. 

several long moments passed. d leaned forwards in his seat, so far that it looked like he was going to tip the desk over, and, looking completely and utterly baffled, opened his mouth and said:

“are you defending e t h n i c   c l e a n s i n g?”

the entire classroom e r u p t e d. cause holy shit, we all knew that s had some, to put it very simply, problematic conservative viewpoints that linked back to ww2 administration germany, but no one had ever called him out on it before (aside from our teacher telling him to be quiet during her lectures). and also this was supposed to be a history role play debate of sorts, the whole point of it was to take on a viewpoint that might not be your own and argue it to the best of your ability. but d knew and everyone else in the class knew that ethnic cleansing was not something that s was pretending to defend for the sake of the debate (public school might be wild but we never touched that topic in a debate setting because our teacher knew that it would make people uncomfortable to argue in favor of), it wasn't even in the prompt sheet, it was something that he had come up with entirely on his own.

so when s started spewing random nonsense as an attempt to backtrack and take back what he had just said, d started shouting back at him about how it was wrong and was halfway out of his seat, fists clenched, ready to literally fight s (if you recall, d was a football/baseball/wrestling guy, at least 6 feet tall, and as far as high school guys go, pretty jacked. he was Scary when he was mad) 

it was at this exact moment that our teacher spoke up (which she n e v e r did during debates). she looked pretty shocked at the whole turn of events (as in, s defending ethnic cleansing, not d almost decking him) (and nothing ever phased her) and said, as calmly as she could muster, “alright. lets move on to the next question.” 

we were all 16/17 year olds. we couldn't vote yet, but we still had very strong opinions. and d knew the implications of s’s opinions, knew that they were hurtful to other people, promoted the hurting of other people, and called him out on it. publicly. in front of our history class, filled with his friends and peers, our teacher, and some of the smartest kids in our grade. 

after that day, s never suggested radical right ideas in class again, and if anyone else had similar ideas, they kept them to themselves. and from that point on d had my complete and utter respect. 

now, im not telling you to almost beat up your classmate in class in front of your teacher and risk suspension, but if someone you know has a viewpoint (especially a young person) that is hurtful or promotes hate/harm to a group of people, dont be afraid to try and educate them. we might be young and the older generations might brush us off, but in a few years its going to be this generation pulling most of the weight in polls. educate your ignorant friends, family members, classmates etc. every little bit helps. and education is the only way that we will be able to promote change. this is not a battle that we are going to win overnight, but that doesnt mean we should ignore it if it doesnt affect us. 

(oh and yes, d totally got 5 extra credit points from that debate)

((if this post offends anyone or is wrong in any way let me know and ill take it down or edit it))

[josefavomjaaga]

Helfert, Joachim Murat, chapter 1, part 4

We left poor Murat trying to pick a side in this war. And that’s where we still find him.

On the other hand, her husband continually neglected the required level of commitment. The Austrian troops under Nugent and Starhemberg were almost alone in fighting on the right bank of the Po, and they too were more hindered than encouraged by him. "If the King thinks he will have done his utmost," wrote Metternich from Chaumont to Count Mier, " in not falling upon us, it would be almost better to have him for an overt enemy." Angry arguments continued between the Austrian and Neapolitan headquarters; Bellegarde reproached the King in not very gentle terms for his ambiguous nonchalance, which deprived Nugent of all the advantages he had gained from the enemy by his resolute intervention; Murat replied in stilted turns, trying to present his hesitation as due prudence and to explain it in terms of higher strategy (early March 1814). At the same time, the relationship with England became even more unpleasant, and here the injustice was not on Joachim's side, who did not lack courtesy, but on Bentinck's, who treated him with condescension, did not even bestow on him the title of king, and in his dealings with others only knew and spoke of a "General Murat". Bentinck, who had landed in Livorno with Siculo-British troops, demanded the evacuation of Tuscany, which, like Rome, was occupied by Murat's generals. The king did not consider such a retreat compatible with his honour in arms, not to mention the fact that he liked to see himself as the future lord of Italy and that the taxes he diligently collected in the territories he ruled did much to help his overstretched finances. Thus Murat and the allied powers did not gain anything from their outwardly established alliance in arms, only mutual anger, resentment and mistrust. In the meantime Murat had received the long-awaited letter from Emperor Francis; the Austro-Neapolitan alliance, with a few amendments desired by England, had been newly authenticated and ratified; the King now had no reason to doubt Austria's sincerity. Bentinck also received instructions from Lord Castlereagh to get on better terms with the King of Naples. In the name of the British Cabinet, he declared their willingness to confirm everything that had been agreed with Naples by the Austrians; but England must insist that Joachim commit himself not only to permanently recognise the Sicilian possessions of Ferdinand IV, but also to take action to compensate him for the loss of the Neapolitan mainland. However, this was subject to the condition that the King should from now on be active in the field, that his forces should cooperate directly and in harmony with those of the Imperial Field Marshal; for himself, Bentinck demanded the evacuation of at least part of Tuscany, where the Sicino-British troops would have to deal with the remaining matters, and finally the recall of the Neapolitan war force from Rome, into whose possession the Holy Father would have to be restored (April 1, 1814). Russia also sent a plenipotentiary, General Balašev, who expressed his cabinet's willingness to join the Austro-Neapolitan alliance, if only the latter could be reassured about the King's sincere intentions…

In the French theatre of war, the final battles against Napoleon were to be fought, and Napoleon had to summon up all his military genius, his perspicacity, his energy and his swift determination to keep the enemy, so superior to him in numbers, away from the heart of France, from its capital. The Allies therefore had to make every effort to bring matters to a speedy decision in the Italian theatre as well. But as often as favourable news arrived from French headquarters, Murat began to waver. Between the viceroy's camp and Joachim's headquarters mutual secret communications took place, and in the end a complete agreement would have been reached between them if Queen Caroline had not intervened at the decisive moment, threatening to leave her husband and take the fate of Naples into her own hands. Only now did the king seem willing to get serious, but now the war also came to an end; the Austrian arms fought out the last engagement before Piacenza with little help from the Neapolitans. Napoleon's abdication at Fontainebleau on 11 April and the treaty between the Viceroy and the allies at Mantua on 16 April put an end to all further hostilities.

This time, I think the author does not know everything; it seems it was not (only) Caroline who broke off negotiations between Naples and the Kingdom of Italy, but (also) an exasperated Eugène. From his letters (”Mémoires et correspondance...”, A.DuCasse, tome 10):

Eugène à la vice-reine, Volta, 27 fevrier, 1814

Je te renvoie chère Auguste, la lettre de l'impératrice, j'espère encore que tu n'auras pas besoin de partir; je saurai dans deux jours si le roi de Naples veut réellement être pour nous. On parle toujours beaucoup d'un armistice très-prochain avec les Autrichiens. Adieu, ma chère Auguste, je te serre contre mon cœur ainsi que mes petits anges.

***

I return to you, dear Auguste, the empress's letter, I still hope that you will not need to leave; I shall know in two days whether the King of Naples really wishes to join us. There is still much talk of a very imminent armistice with the Austrians. Farewell, my dear Auguste, I clasp you to my heart as well as my little angels.

***

Eugène à la vice-reine, Volta, 1er mars, 1814

Je t'envoie ci-joint une petite note des propositions que le roi de Naples a eu le front de me faire faire, en me proposant, à ces conditions, de se déclarer contre les Autrichiens. Il est décidément fou! Il m'a pourtant verbalement fait promettre de ne point laisser engager ses troupes. J'en profite sans trop m'y fier.

***

I am sending you herewith a small note of the proposals that the King of Naples had the audacity to put to me, proposing, under these conditions, to declare himself against the Austrians. He is decidedly nuts!

Yet he has made me a verbal promise not to let his troops be engaged. I am taking advantage of this without being too confident.

***

And from a letter to Napoleon, same day:

Sire, I had always hoped that the rumour of the victories won by Your Majesty would be enough to wrest the King of Naples from his illusions. I had paid particular attention to passing on to him the news of all your triumphs. I knew that they had reached him, and even that the repeated communications resulting from their transmission, even if they were only simple letters sent to the outposts, had at least produced the advantage of casting suspicion and mistrust between him and the Austrians. The secretary of the Italian legation in Naples having had to leave his post owing to circumstances, and having, on his return, made a few vague overtures to me on behalf of the king, I seized the opportunity to strongly bring before his eyes all the reasons of honour, gratitude and interest which should have determined him to abjure his errors at last. The King did not wish to give any written and positive promise to the secretary of the legation; he merely handed him a note written under his dictation, while furthermore instructing him to assure me on his behalf that "as long as Your Majesty had not deigned to explain himself on the contents of this note, he would not act in any hostile way against the troops of Your Majesty who are under my orders.« I immediately sent a reply to the king that I could not take it upon myself to send such a letter to Your Majesty, to whom I am in fact communicating this ridiculous piece only to give him a fair idea of the delirium that has taken hold of the king's head. However, I shall try to take advantage of its provisions, aware of the case I must make of it. [...]

Unfortunately, the note itself seems to be missing. I’d really love to know what proposal had Eugène loose his usual stoic calm like that.

[nimsajlove]

Brothers (V)

Not the last part, sadly. I was hoping to finish this thing today but even stuck at home, I can’t do it...

Brothers-AU  Ao3

Part IV , Part VI

*~*

Ahsoka won the one fight. With the help of Aayla Secura, Plo Koon and Anakin, the files against Fives disappeared with surprising speed and Ahsoka managed to cover up the whole thing with words, that Cody and Obi-Wan Kenobi had given her this time, and somehow transfer Fives into her ultimate care. She wasn't quite sure, how she really did it! But she sensed that the voices of Senator Amidala and Senator Organa had been of great support in front of the Senate.

However, she suffered a defeat in another. "And you are sure, that we can't treat more men?", she asked quietly and looked at her feet, she was sitting cross-legged in the bunk under her own. Rex was standing in front of her, on the side of his head Kix had attached a thick plaster. It looked strange, almost unsettling. "I do not think so. We finished our unit and I'm still amazed, that Cody agreed. But we don't know, who would tell the Senate about this if he could.", he explained and his tone softened as he saw her grimace in pain. The last few days had been tough, her nerves had worn out and in the end Rex had taken over her paperwork from the past week. Just to catch up a little. She had to overcome many fears. The fear of the Council, of the Chancellor. Yes, even a little fear of failing herself. None of that had done her any good, and it didn't improve her tired features.

Two seconds passed while she chewed her nails and he watched her, before he dropped next to her with a small thud. She was so tired... She wanted to be strong, really! She wanted to be there, keep an eye on Fives. But she hadn't even found the strength to follow him and his brothers to dinner this afternoon. Was she even hungry at all? "He's in good hands.", it mumbled next to her and she nodded dully. "I know." "Then why are you making yourself even more stressed? He's alive and he'll still be when you restet.", asked Rex and she rolled the answer back and forth in her head for a while. Because she was needed? Or, at least, wanted to be? Sometimes this little fear crept into her mind, that the clones would eventually leave her alone. Like the Council. She knew she would have to accept it, if that day came. But that didn't made the thought easier! His hand grabbed her shoulder and pulled it against his. With a small sigh her head came to rest against his and fingers layed quietly on her temple. She stared into the air for a few seconds, then breathed out deeply and let the warmth drive away all thoughts. 

* ~ * 

"Why are you hesitating?", Jesse asked, looking around searching for what had upset his general. She shrugged her shoulders, her posture so strangely insecure and nervous. "I don't know, maybe a bad feeling?", she mumbled and then climbed into the ship, which would bring her back onto her cruiser. Actually, she couldn't wait to get away! 

The Jedi, especially Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, had become downright intrusive in the past few days. And even if the two Jedi brought back fond memories in her, it caused enough pain for her to want to avoid them.

Saying goodbye to Cody was short, but she had looked at him honestly and even a small smile had appeared on her face. Despite the problems of the past few days. "I owe you one.", were her last words, his as he had yelled after her: "Definitly!" She was still grinning at the thought of it. 

Back on the cruiser, it seemed as if the bad memories were slowly being washed away. She was cautious for the first few days, although her bad feeling at the departure had disappeared now. But then she noticed more and more how the men laughed and joked together. She was greeted with a smile at any time of day and at some point it passed on to her too. Even Fives laughed again, it was really contagius. She was grateful, that the clones could always, somehow, find something good in every situation. 

* ~ * 

Almost two months passed. The war went on around her and a strange distance had developed between her and the men. She wasn't sure where it came from, but she seemed to separate herself from them every now and then. She spent more time meditating, letting Rex choose which missions to go on next. She was still helping, eating and sleeping with the men. But she still felt this distance and was worried, that it was coming from her side... Maybe she was missing a nice fight after all. She didn't knew if she should have been happy, when Cody called her and jokingly remembered her that she was still owning him something, even if the situation was probably not funny! At last she would be able to do something without putting more blood from the clones on her cap. Because this was something, that still worried her. Maybe it was better, to get away from these men and let them be happy with the small and peacefull missions. 

But when the men heard of her preparations, they surprised her with their anger. Hesitantly and slightly confused, she sat alone while eating and assumed that all the distance had now turned into dislike after all. Rex, Jesse and Kix gave it away as a lie, when the three of them sat down with her and acted as if nothing had ever happened. It wasn't until the young woman chewed on her food for a few minutes in silence that Jesse nudged her in the side. "What is it, did you swallow your tongue?", he joked and when Ahsoka shrugged, the other two fell silent. There it was again, that distance. She felt so incredibly heavy as she watched the men seem to be more relaxed with each new peace mission. "What's stuck in your throat?", asked Kix and she pressed her forearms on the table, she wondered if it was worth sharing her worries with those, whom she had called brothers for years. Finally she spoke up. "The men avoided me today, have I moved so far from them?", she asked quietly and the three clones began to chuckle. She looked up with furrowed eyebrows. "That's not funny!", she hissed softly and put her fork aside. Rex was the first to swallow his amusement and patted her head across the table, earning him another angry twinkle from the general. 

"You know, I think it's more like, that the men are offended.", Jesse finally grinned broadly. "Running into a mission without all of us? Not even you can pull that on us.", Kix agreed. 

Even later, she hadn't quite digested that the men would just follow her. In what would be certainly the death of most of them. She didn't want that! She paced up and down in her office and was nearly scared to death when the door suddenly slid open. Rex and Fives stood in front of her and the ARC just shook his head. "How about some sleep until we get there?", he suggested, she shook her head firmly. “No, it’s not like I could sleep now anyway. And don't even think about calling Kix! You don't want to see my dinner again and neither do I!”, she threatened Rex, before he could open his mouth. Both clones smirked and now entered, their general began to pace up and down again. The two sat on the desk. “Then how about running around on the bridge. At least you have space there.", Rex joked and she stared at him. “How can you joke now? I am leading more than a hundred men to their certain death, with a really high probability!” She started softly and grew louder, until she crossed her arms angrily and wondered if this was a good time for a little scream. Just to calm her nerves.

Fives stood up, his gaze dead serious. “These men follow you voluntarily! You lead them because they want you to lead them. Sooner or later each of us dies, let us at least hope to be allowed to die for the right thing.", he explained and she heard a passion in his voice that has not been seen since Umbara. A lump formed in her throat, but she forced herself to maintain her composure. There had been a time, where she had thought so as well. “With all due respect, brother! I want you to die for the right thing, after all of you have had a chance to live. A real life without the bolts and bombs flying around you all the time. You should be allowed to live, not have to.” Her voice was hard and cold, it was difficult to speak past the lump. Rex got up too and came up to her. “I want to live right here and now. And if we die out there, it will be because we made the right decision to trust you." She looked at him and realized, that at was herself who built this distance. She was so afraid to loose one oft hem! Tears started to form in her eyes und she turned away. 

* ~ * 

She had been standing alone in front of the battle plans for a while now and looked at them, the situation was not only tricky. Fatal was probably the better word and she was still gnawing at Rex's idea, of ​​how they could still save the whole thing. He had gone, alone. She didn't like it, but she also knew that she couldn't run after him always and everywhere. He had Cody with him and Unit 99! It would all go well… She remembered her brief conversation with these clones while telling Rex to be careful. A smile crept on her face, Wrecker reminded her of Hardcase. The two alone would certainly have been enough, to reduce the entire base to rubble and ashes.

Footsteps approached from behind and she looked up, Anakin came up to her and clasped his hands behind his back. She had to grin. "You had a nice conversation? How is she doing?”, she asked softly and he smirked, she hadn't spoken to her master in a long time. Not really after she left Coruscant in such a hurry. But she wasn't blind. "You're clever.", her former master admitted and examined the plans with her. She felt his restlessness and sighed, before loosening her arms and looking at him. "What is it, Master?", she asked and it was unexpected for her, when his worried look met her. 

"I missed you.", he muttered and she smirked. "Sure you weren't just missing Hevy?", she teased and he rolled his eyes before carefully lifting an arm. An invitation she could decline if she wanted.

She swallowed, since the council had expelled her once, she had forbidden the other Jedi from any avoidable physical contact. She knew Plo Koon was sorry, but she couldn't just see past it all. She also knew that every time, Master Kenobi saw her, he worriedly stroked his beard and tried to put his hand on her shoulder. Since then she has consistently avoided him. Now she and her master had never maintained closer contact, except for a deep bond. But it hurt him too, to know her so far away and distant. And that hurt her too ... She might not really always agree with him, but he was her friend and with a small sigh she slipped into the embrace and held him tight for a few seconds before releasing him. 

* ~ * 

She was crouching on the floor and biting her nails, that hideous habit that had only emerged since the Fives-Thing! She had closed her eyes and was thinking, trying not to lose her mind while doing so. Her master and the other two Jedi doubted the captain's statement, she didn't! If Rex said that had to be Echo, it was him! But what exactly should she do now? She had to go there, take him home. That was out of the question. Could she involve his brothers in this? No, the clones were more important to him than she was. In the end she was expendable for her men, even if they were loyal to her. Her brothers would get over her loss, should it occur. After all, they would then have Echo back again.

"Have you made up your mind?", asked a calm voice and she opened her eyes. She had previously included Hunter in her deliberations, and he had told her that Rex was up to the same thing. This, of course, accelerated her decision-making process. "Yes, let me just talk a word with Cody.", she snorted and went into the medical tent. The commander refused to leave the planet, after all he was more or less patched up. He was awake and staring at her. "And?", he asked, and if she hadn't been to bed faster, he might have got up to meet her. “I'll go and look for Echo. The others must not follow me! You can do this for me, right?” The clone nodded, worry darkened his eyes and Ahsoka patted him carefully on the shoulder, trying to calm him down. "I'll take your boys with me, let's see what they're good for.", she joked and saw Cody smile briefly, before she turned around and disappeared. 

* ~ * 

Did these shafts never end? Echo smiled next to her and she looked down at him, had she said something? "Don't look like that, I know where we're going to get out.", he grinned and it actually cheered her up. She was full of bruises and minor injuries, but Echo was alive and she had her arm wrapped around him to hold him up. It was all worth it! 

Wrecker behind her sighed again and she had to smile again. "I'll make sure that you get a few more before we run.", she said and received a comradely push against the shoulder blade. "I hope so!", laughed the massive clone, and Crosshair in front of her just shook his head.

"Here it is. I just don't think, you'll like it.", Echo grinned at Ahsoka and Tech opened a hatch, the wind blew in on them immediately and she stuck her head out. It went down from up here, far down. "No different than jumping into the underworld.", she thought aloud and out of the corner of her eye she saw Echo tilt his head. "You speak from experience?", he asked and she nodded. 

* ~ *

 Every bone hurt her, but it didn't matter! Because Echo was as intact as he could be and she was still alive. In addition, Wrecker was totally amused, to have thrown a Jedi for the first time in his life. She smiled too, she hadn't wanted to take the fun away from him and had given up her other acrobatics. It had been funny, especially when Hunter asked her loudly, if she still was sane to volunteer to do this. It had been easier somehow, now that she wasn't surrounded by the clones that her heart was so attached to. Besides, her brothers got along quite well without the fighting, but these ones...

The gunship started to land and she got up, the ground seemed to sway slightly under her as she braced herself on the wall and Echo looked at her from the side. She had filled in a few of his gaps. "General, maybe..." She held up her hand and cut him off. "I'm fine, I'm standing upright on my own two feet. But I'll send you straight to Kix.", she grinned and Echo returned it, albeit hesitantly.

The ship opened and she could see a whole group of people rushing to meet them. She pulled back a little and let the clones go outside, not at least to get out of the view of all the others, including her former master. She really couldn't use one of his lectures now. She might have underestimated the enemy a tiny bit... Echo was welcomed with open arms by his brothers and they all escort him to Kix, Ahsoka waited a few seconds until Tech stuck his head back into the ship. 

"They are gone.", he announced and she left the ship with a deep sigh, the pain in her body was still dull. But it was slowly growing and she just wanted to get into a bunk and close her eyes for a few minutes. Nothing more. "Thanks, Cody actually didn't exaggerate.", she said to Hunter and tried to drive away the exhaustion. The clone looked her up and down once and then smiled a small smile. “He wasn't exaggerating when he spoke of you either. General Tano, you look awful.” She laughed, it hurt and she held her ribs. "Not everyone can have a genetic advantage.", she joked and said goodbye.

She began to hobble into her improvised command tent as fast as she could and sat on the floor, preferring not to inspect her injuries. Now that all that adrenaline was gone, it hurt like hell. Her right lekku burned like fire and blood was dried on him, her shoulder and forehead. Her head felt like it would explode, her sense of balance seemed to have been damaged. She knew, that blood was still oozing from her left hand. But she just didn't dare to look down. She just sat there and breathed against the sting of her ribs, wondering if she should just allow herself some sleep here on the floor.

She never got to it, three figures appeared in her tent. "Ahsoka?" The question sounded scared and she wondered, how bad she really looked. It wasn't like she had a mirror on hand. She raised her right hand to protect her eyes from the incident light and to identify the people. It was her old master, who immediately turned around and pressed his comlink. Rex, however, came over to her with long strides and pulled her upright again by the shoulders. When had she sunken to the ground? “It's okay. I can sit alone.", she grumbled and fixed her gaze on Obi-Wan Kenobi, he looked at her with an expression of concern and urgency. "Sure.", Rex grumbled ironically, but she braced herself against his attempts to get her to her feet. "Master Kenobi, did something happen?", she asked instead, feeling a slight knot form in her stomach. Something actually happened...

The Jedi hesitated before speaking. “Anakin will kill me, for not dragging you to the nearest Bacta tank right away. But ... Echo just shared some of his new experiences and knowledge with us. He discovered a conspiracy, the clones were actually given a hidden order.” She looked at him with wide eyes and could see in his, what she was thinking. It was finally proven, Fives was right! "We'll be able to help them all?", she asked choked and only felt dully, how Rex grabbed her tighter. Kenobi nodded and she took a deep breath, tears flowed and she knew that all the men would finally have a chance of real, free will. Then it got dark. 

* ~ * 

When she woke up again, she was confused. It was bright, white, sterile. This wasn't a battlefield! Where was she? Where were the men she had to protect? Was Echo still safe with his brothers? Did she really make it? Panicked, she sat up and looked around, she was alone in a room, she identified it as the medistation of her cruiser. Where was everyone? Had she just been sent back and left alone? 

Suddenly, that feeling was there again, that deep fear of loneliness. She gasped, she'd had all of that under control for years, and now… She wanted to get up and noticed the many cables, that were glued and clamped to her skin. The panic overflowed and with a jerk she threw herself out of bed, tearing off the cables and lying there breathless. She was trying to find her legs, to do something before something happened. Her stomach was knotted and it was difficult for her to breathe. There were dull voices and when hands grabbed her, she tried to throw herself against them. Then it went quiet and dark again. 

The next time she opened her eyes, she was sick. Groaning, she immediately closed her eyes and straightened up, one hand pressed to her mouth. She could hardly breathe and suddenly a warm hand was on her back and someone pushed a bucket into her hands. Just in time, whatever had been in her stomach, it just greeted her cheerfully. She hugged the bucket, trembling.

A few minutes passed, before she was nothing but a trembling misery on the bed. She leaned back and more than two hands carefully helped her, there was a cool wall behind her. Before she could drop the bucket, someone took it from her and now she tried again, to look at the world around her. The difference to before was fatal! It wasn't the white ceiling of the medistation, but rather the familiar gray of the quarters. And as she took a deep breath, the familiar scent of her home flooded her lungs. The light had been dimmed and she could now hear and see how crowded it was. Oh by the Force, how many had seen all of this? The first that her eyes could focus on was Echo. He was sitting on one of the lower bunks and when he saw, that she was really looking at him, he smiled widely. That was nice... The next one was Kix and she realized quickly, why he looked so guilty. It was clear, that he had pumped the medication into her body. But did he really had a choice? Jesse sat next to him, arms on his knees and gaze serious, but relieved, fixed on her. Hevy, Droidbait, Cutup, Fives, Cody... she spotted a few other faces and then turned to the nearest one. Rex was sitting on the matress she had been put on and when she blinked at him, he actually picked up a second bucket.

"Please don't say, you need this one too.", he muttered and a laugh escaped her, her ribs no longer hurt. Carefully she sat up properly and rubbed her aching head, her gaze slid back to Echo. He looked so much better... "How long was I gone?", she asked quietly and as if that had been a secret sign, her brothers came closer to the bed and Cody shooed the others away, but kept himself in the background. “Almost two weeks. One of them in the tank.”, Cutup announced and threw himself on her foot end, Driodbait shoved him heartily to the side and climbed next to him. Two weeks? "What did I miss?", she asked still quietly and Echo and Fives had to laugh, she gave them a strange look. What was there to laugh about? "I can lend you a hand, if you need it.", Echo announced and a shockingly realistic prosthesis landed in her hands. Without an arm. She paused, then raised her eyebrows and returned his new hand. "Very funny.", she commented dryly, but was infinitely happy. That was the first joke Fives was involved in for who knows how long! 

"The GAR is dechipped.", Jesse threw in and simply sat down on the floor, in front of the bunk, he had a satisfied grin on his face. "And Skywalker screwed up!", Hevy announced and all the clones laughed softly, that was almost too loud for her head! "Why?" She asked pained, rubbing her temples. “The Senator is even less of a secret now, than it was before. But the men and General Kenobi cover him as best they can.", Cody grinned from further back and she had to laugh again, what a surprise! Her master has never been good at keeping things a secret... 

Kix stared at his hands and she recognized the expression. She got up a little more and tilted her head. "Kix?" He looked up and she grinned widely, it elicited a small smile. She wanted to see that, even if, according to her stomach, she didn't felt like grinning. "What exactly did you find?", she asked in a pretended good mood. He didn't fall for it, but finally began to enumerate.

"Serious head injuries. The right lekku was completely slit.” She raised her right hand and stroked the tentacle, a bulging scar pressing against her fingers. There could have been worse. "Burns, abrasions, grazes, broken ribs ..." The list was long and yet it had to end at some point. "And two fingers of the left hand were torn off.", the clone finished and exhaled deeply, Ahsoka looked at her hands for the first time. The right one was perfectly fine again, but the left one looked so out of place. The ring and middle finger were completely missing and she clenched her hand once into a fist, it was as if she could still feel them. With a shudder, she remembered how she'd faded out the pain, after wrenching herself from the grip of a droid. 

The men around her waited to see, if she would say something.She looked up and carefully swung her legs out of bed. "Where are we?", she asked, waiting for the world to stop turning. That headache would kill her sooner or later! Breathing deeply, she propped herself up on her knees, tried not to gag again and heard Kix start to rummage in his backpack. "Hyperspace, on the way to Coruscant.", Cody replied and she nodded vaguely, why weren't her men there already? The rest of the fight couldn't possibly have lasted two weeks. "Why are you here?", she asked further, when Kix pressed a tablet into her left hand. Without looking for water, she swallowed it. Her brothers moved a little closer, slowly it was getting tight on the bed. Droidbait and Cutup sat diagonally behind her, Rex on her right and Kix on her left. Fives, Echo, Jesse and Hevy were crouched on the floor and Cody was leaning against the opposite wall. "You're kidding, right?", Jesse asked, and she shrugged. "I wouldn't have blamed you, for flying home as soon as possible.", she muttered and massaged her forehead, the pain seemed to subside and the nausea finally went away! She loved Kix, he always had one of the few tablets that she could swallow. 

Someone patted her foot and she looked up, Hevy looked at her with a surprising seriousness. "You took all the fun away from us, but we can't just leave you behind!" She wanted to protest, that leaving her on the medistation wouldn't have been such a big deal. "Don't argue, I won't go anywhere again without anyone of my family, this includes you too!", Echo announced and tears tingled in her eyes.

This unconditional love, that was shown to her here, was so different from her worries in the last few days. She wasn't sure, what she had expected or feared. Maybe anger, that she'd left them all to go off alone? Before she could start crying, however, Hevy rose energetically. "I'm starving, let's get something to eat!" Ahsoka hesitated, food sounded nice. But somehow... "When was the last meal?", she asked and Hevy shrugged. “No idea, 10 or 11 hours ago? Since you decided to throw yourself off the bed.", he grinned and it made her smile. "Then I don't want to stand in your way." But nobody moved. "Your stomach could definitely take something too.", Kix then threw in and stood up, offered her his hand, to help her up. She still hesitated, the pill was good. But she wasn't hungry either. "You haven't had anything real in your stomach for two weeks, do us this favor.", Rex insisted and with a sigh, she grabbed Kix's hand and pulled herself to her feet. "You can have my dessert too.", Cutup said as he pushed past her and his grin made her laugh. Suddenly the faces of all the men in the room lit up and she was a bit ashamed, of having burdened the soldiers for so long. "You are too good to me.", she tried to joke and squealed, as Hevy grabbed her and lifted her onto his shoulders. "Yep, you can really thank us more often.", he laughed and they all went off together.