#and hopefully as i improve my schedule more i can also put in time for reading hehe ^^ and just. dedicating my energy & time well <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[messyoungie]

HABITS TO DROP WHEN GETTING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER

➝ CREATING UNAUTHENTIC & UNINTENTIONAL GOALS

the biggest mistakes you can make when creating goals is making goals that aren’t true to you and making goals for the sake of making goals.

it can be so exciting when you decide to get your life together. I mean, of course it is! there are so many possibilities! but when you start planning, don’t just write down the goals you see circulating on social media. what works for someone else may not be what works for you. don’t make your goals and habits based on what’s trending or popular in the self improvement community.

think about what you actually need for a minute. what is actually necessary? your goals and habits aren’t here to be glamorous, they’re here to help regardless of how simple or small they are. the point of thinking up new habits is to improve your life, so be intentional with your goals. what will practicing this habit or achieving this goal give you?

when you’re first starting out, your goals don’t have to be anything too crazy or intense. for example, let’s say you want to become a pink pilates girl and get into fitness. you shouldn’t jump right into it and say your goal is to work out for 2 hours 5 times a week. let’s consider some factors first. have you been living a completely sedentary kind of lifestyle? then try looking for exercises that’ll wake up dormant muscles. your goal should then be to repeat those exercises for how ever many times a week. then you’ll work your way up from there. (it’s important we don’t harm the body, so be mindful with your fitness goals.) what about your schedule? how much time can you actually give to working out? can your body even endure working out for that long?

anyways, hopefully you see what I mean. when creating goals, it’s not about having the “aesthetic” habits and goals that you may see on tiktok or tumblr. it’s about doing what is actually good for you and what’ll help you the most with where you are now in your journey. so please put some thought into your goals and where they’ll take you. creating unauthentic and unintentional habits will also mean you’ll be less likely to keep practicing them after a few times. at the end of the day, that doesn’t help you achieve anything and you’re left with a broken promise you’ve made to yourself. which leads me to my next point…

➝ NOT KEEPING YOUR WORD WHEN IT COMES TO YOU

let me start off by saying this— if you don’t even listen to yourself, why should anyone else? (harsh, ik)

a HUGE reason as to why people have no self confidence is because they don’t listen to themselves or keep the promises they’ve made to themselves. if you have no self trust, how could you have any self confidence?

now, building discipline can definitely be a challenge so if you want to start somewhere easy, nip your false promises in the bud and stop yourself from making them. that’s what I did when I was first trying to stop this habit. when my addiction to tiktok was at its peak I would always tell myself the usual “ten more minutes and then I’ll stop scrolling.” when I wanted to stop making false promises, I knew I had no control or discipline so the only thing I could do is be real with myself. I’d cut myself off when I heard myself say “five more minutes” because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. if I wasn’t going to quit my bad habit, then the least I could do is be honest with myself.

the things that you are constantly telling yourself, whether they’re mindless or intentional, matter.

so, stop telling yourself seemingly harmless lies. unnecessary false promises that you know are false will only fill you with tension.

➝ SEEING FAILURE AS AN INVITATION TO GIVE UP

this applies to so many things.

you wanted to be consistent with your reading goals but haven’t read a chapter in a week? dont give up. don’t tell yourself that being consistent is too hard for you, that since you missed a week this habit isn’t for you. make your goal a bit easier or give yourself another chance.

you wanted to spend more time doing art but it’s not turning out how you expected? dont give up. dont give yourself the title of a “bad artist” and never pick up a pencil again. move forward, give yourself another chance.

you wanted to quit your Instagram addiction but after a couple days you went back to scrolling for hours on ig reels? Don’t give up. dont tell yourself that this addiction isn’t gonna go away, don’t go back to the bad habit because you slipped up. give yourself another chance.

I think a lot of us (myself included) tend to give up at the first sign of failure, instead of reminding ourselves to keep going. it’d be wonderful if you could get it right on the first try. if you could read ten books a month right away after not reading a book in three years. if you could watch hours worth of tutorials and sketch the perfect portrait on the first attempt. if you could uninstall instagram for good and never feel the urge to go back. that would all be so amazing, but it’s not always the reality. expect the best from yourself and do the best you can, but also give yourself some compassion. keep in mind that you won’t always do things perfectly right away and that’s one thousand percent okay. when you feel yourself slipping up on your brand new goal, don’t end it there at the first failure. allow yourself to move forward, because the only other direction to move is backwards.

[lsunstreakerl]

SUNNY. MAX DEVELOPS SOFTWARE FOR F2/F3 SIM. I WILL NEED A CURRENT UNIVERSE FICLET OR SMTH FROM YOU PLEASE. SUNNY R U LISTENING.

okay I know absolutely jack shit about how sim development works and I hate BS'ing in my work, so hopefully this isn't too incorrect! if someone knows better than me, please feel free to infodump about it :)

"Mate, that is way better than when I was in F2."

Kimi squeaks as George's voice startles him, running low over a kerb as his teeth rattle in his head.

"Mate."

"Sorry! I was going to say that Toto wants to do lunch with us— didn't mean to scare you."

He definitely did. Kimi is learning that George is just as prone to jokes and hazing as the other drivers, the only difference being that he's polite about it. Mostly.

Kimi swings out of the sim, stretching his legs with a low groan.

"You can take it for a spin if you are missing it so much."

George snorts, arms folded across his chest. His hair is loose, falling across his forehead, and he's just in a hoodie and shorts— Kimi has seen him more casually in the factory in the past few weeks than he'd seen in the media ever. It makes him feel more human, even if part of him still feels untouchable.

"Yeah, I can't imagine it's improved much."

Kimi shrugs, hugging one knee to his chest to stretch his hips, wobbling slightly on his one leg.

"I liked it— it helps with learning the smaller differences and all that."

George raises an eyebrow, checking his watch before shrugging and stepping into the sim.

"Watch the door and tell me if someone's coming by, so I can blame it on you."

Kimi rolls his eyes, dutifully stepping backwards to be able to view the hallway as he pulls out his phone.

Kimi: george is trying the f2 sim

Ollie: LOL

Ollie: WHY

Kimi: he doesn't believe it's better than when he used it

Kimi: which is stupid

Kimi: of course it's better

Kimi: he's just old

Ollie: don't let him hear you say that

Ollie: the botox mercedes curse is real

Kimi: if he comes in with filler I will tell Toto to set up his retirement account

Ollie: and then put in a good word for me?

Kimi: you are earmarked as a ferrari sacrifice already mate

Kimi: don't even bother

Ollie: I'll fix them

Ollie: just you wait

"Kimi, what the hell are they feeding the dev drivers?"

George sounds incredulous as he takes a corner.

"Why is it so good?"

Kimi laughs, tucking his phone in his pocket.

"I should be asking you, honestly. I am not sure how there is enough time in a formula one schedule to do sim work for us, but it is very nice."

"Huh?"

George takes a corner too sharp in a move that would've sent Kimi into the wall, but he manages to recover it, lips pressed together in concentration for a moment before relaxing again. Kimi feels the envy like a physical beast in his chest, the same way he does every time he's reminded how much further he has to go.

He's always careful to be perfectly ready in the mornings, to have his employee badge clearly visible, but George shows up in casual clothes and an easy confidence, knows all the team members by name, has Susie's coffee order memorized— it all feels unattainable to him. He's not sure how he'll ever match up, and finds himself wondering if it will always be obvious to everyone, if he's always going to look like a kid trying to wear his older brothers shoes.

Still, George had sounded genuinely confused.

"Well... I know Max does a lot of the work, but surely the rest of you do sometimes also? It cannot all be him?"

George goes into the wall, twisting to look at Kimi.

"Verstappen? Wait, no— don't tell me. That's exactly who you mean."

Kimi nods.

"Kimi, I am going to be very serious with you."

George swings out of the sim, stepping forward and putting his hands Kimi's shoulders.

"That man is not normal. Please, please do not use him as your metric for normal people, because he's a freak of nature."

Kimi opens his mouth to try and defend him, but George presses his palm over his face.

"Nope, don't hit me with the hero worship, I don't want to hear it. He's unnatural, okay? Like a freaky racing robot that sometimes glitches and talks about cats instead. He has extra hours in the day and eyes in the back of his head."

Kimi quirks an eyebrow. George sounds fondly exasperated, like Max being inhuman is something he's begrudgingly gotten over. George pauses, and then his eyes look at Kimi, extremely serious.

"And I need you to be a prodigy and come into the team early, because otherwise Toto might actually manage to drag him over here, and I would rather shunt into the barriers full speed then have to be teammates with him, got it? I am counting on you."

Kimi nods, trying not to laugh. Max isn't scary, he's actually very nice— he's always happy to chat on discord and share setup tips, and he'd promised Kimi he was only a garage or phone call away if he needed something. He's much kinder than Kimi had expected the current world champion to be.

George lets his hand fall away, ruffling Kimi's hair.

"Okay, move it, Toto got catering and if we're late all the good sandwiches will be gone."

He steps out of the room, head swiveling both directions to make sure his stint in the sim hadn't been noticed, before walking confidently down the hallway.

Kimi follows dutifully behind.

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hey! before I begin, I wanted to say how much I love your comics!! the style and palettes are really soothing, and it's always nice to read them, relate heavily, and not feel quite such an oddball!! so thanks :]

I (very recently) received the results of my diagnosis for autism and adhd (I got both, and a couple other smaller things) and was wondering what things you did differently immediately after diagnosis that helped you? I've tried things like proper organisation and cleaning, keeping on top of deadlines for college as much as I am able, and trying to study as much as I can (a levels are very stressful even though I've only just started the course, and while these solutions are what's considered "good" by the college, its not really helping me as much as I would like)

a large part of the diagnosis was dedicated to brain function (I had the privelidge of being assessed privately, so the evidence was very detailed and thorough), and I scored stupidly high on vocabulary and language study. However, I feel like there's somewhat of a disconnect between the effort I've put in on my foreign language studies and the progress I'm seeing- I'm trying so so hard to understand grammatical concepts and absorb a lot of vocabulary in preparation for some smaller tests in the near future, but I'm not seeing the reward during lessons or even with preparation. I am fully aware that with all the work and effort I'm spending, I am closer than I would like to be to a meltdown and probably burnout, which I desperately want to avoid. It just feels that although my brain is wired for linguistic study, I feel like I'm falling behind or failing

I guess if you have any advice or anything that helped you once your diagnosis was confirmed, or tips for study, I would be greatly appreciative :]

Tldr: struggling with study and fearful of failure, any advice?

hnng I remember the stress of A levels, you couldn't pay me to go through that again 🫠

After being diagnosed I started to allow myself to unmask and stim in more obvious ways. Previously my stims had generally been pretty small, like flicking my fingers or wiggling a bit, but now I allow myself to flap and rock and play with fidget toys as well and it genuinely does help release tension.

It sounds like your're working really hard - if you feel close to burnout and/or meltdowns, you might be working too hard. I also found it really hard to take breaks when I was studying (...still do) but the truth is, by not allowing your mind to rest, you're actually making it harder for yourself to learn and retain information.

So my advice is, take a break! A real break, not 'I'm gonna scroll on my phone for a bit' or 'I went to the toilet that counts as a break right'. Get up, step away from your work for at least an hour, and do something you find relaxing and fun. Go for a walk or just sit outside. Make yourself a drink. Take a nap if you need to. Try to avoid looking at screens during your break if you can. And when you go back to studying, schedule times to have regular short breaks as well (eg a 10 minute break every hour). I set alarms for mine because otherwise I forget to move for five hours.

A break allows your brain to process the information and let it settle properly. When you go back to work you'll hopefully feel more refreshed and able to take in information again. Remember, if you've just started the course, then this is a marathon, not a sprint, so please try not to overdo it and burn yourself out right at the start. Conserve your energy for the long haul.

If you're still struggling, are you able to ask for help, maybe from a friend or a teacher? A teacher could give you some techniques on how to improve in the specific areas you find difficult, and sometimes just talking through the bit you're having trouble with or not understanding can help a lot.

Good luck with your studies and I hope you take some time to rest as well :)

[ineffable-endearments]

Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell

Wow. There is...there is so much here.

First, a caution about the book itself: there is significant sexually violent narration, and lots of torture as well. This post is going to discuss these topics only in general terms - I don't think I need to go into detail to discuss what they mean for the story - but take care of yourself when you're deciding whether to read it. If you have any questions, always feel free to send an ask or message.

I am going to need to make multiple posts about this book. For this first one, I'll focus on summarizing the book and its main themes, especially the ones that I think relate to Good Omens. As always, I can't summarize it in a way that will give you a better understanding than simply reading the book, but summarizing it will help me put my own thoughts together and hopefully help you follow along as I try to articulate them.

Because it's impossible to miss, I think it is best to confront this issue at the outset: there is a lot of especially blatant misogyny on Winston's part in Nineteen Eighty-Four. This is not meant to be a good or sympathetic thing. It is a demonstration of how messed up he is, and how messed up everyone in that society is.

The Society

The plot of Nineteen Eighty-Four is tied up very much in the story's world. The characters are at the mercy of their society in this story, much more than in most. It will make sense to describe the world first. Indeed, a massive portion of the book is just information about Oceania itself.

In the world of Nineteen Eighty-Four, the entire planet is supposedly ruled by three perpetually warring authoritarian states: Oceania, Eurasia, and Eastasia, conglomerations of Earth's former independent nations. Through the novel, it is revealed that all three states have governments that are structured in largely the same way with approximately the same quality of life for their people, and the perpetual war is itself a way of controlling each population.

Technically, we don't know for sure that the war is really happening. In fact, we don't know that anything is true, because almost all the information the characters have comes from the Party, the government of Oceania, and the Party's operations revolve around reality control. The Party's "leader" is an enigmatic figure referred to only as Big Brother, who, of course, is watching.

Our protagonist, Winston, lives in Oceania. There are Inner Party members, who are the highest-ranking, with the highest responsibility and the highest quality of life. There are Outer Party members, who work for the Party, are heavily surveilled, and whose daily needs are all provided for with low-quality supplies; they have a highly regimented daily schedule. Inner and Outer Party members have telescreens, which broadcast Party propaganda but also have cameras to monitor all Party members. It is incredibly difficult to get away from telescreens, since there's at least one in every home and they're everywhere in public. Altogether, the telescreens form a panopticon that is hard to evade.

Then there are the proles, a shortened term for proletarians, who are the lower classes of Oceania and make up the majority of the population. The proles live in poor conditions and are constantly manipulated by State-generated propaganda. However, they have more freedom than Party members, in the sense that they are also largely ignored by the Party because they have no real power and are assumed to be incapable of engaging in revolutionary behavior. For this reason, proles get to have human relationships and enjoy pleasures, wherever they can find pleasures, in ways that Party members are not allowed. In reality, the Party's perpetual war is a way of grinding through resources in order to keep people, especially the proles, buried under work without improving their quality of life. This is because when people have free time, they can use it to learn and organize, and they might become a threat to the Party.

Winston is one of the Outer Party members. He works in the government department that rewrites history. See, every time a fact or anecdote in the media is inconvenient for the Party, the Party goes back and destroys all old copies of newspapers and books, all old video content, all paperwork, any scrap of evidence that anything was different. Newspapers are routinely reprinted with "updated" (falsified) information. For example, Oceania is always either at war with Eurasia and allied with Eastasia, or at war with Eastasia and allied with Eurasia, and as far as the Party is concerned, this has never changed. Every single time Oceania's alliance changes, the newspapers are updated so that the current alignment has always been true. Every time someone becomes a disgrace to the Party, their previous deeds are rewritten.

On the surface, this sounds difficult to implement, but over the story, one realizes the vast majority of the Party's operations revolve purely around the constant reshaping of history, control of people's memories, and control of people's emotions for the purpose of maintaining power eternally. Art produced by human beings is actively discouraged; instead, the Party mass-produces art, including novels, using machines, to control what kinds of ideas people are consuming.

The Party is essentially a machine that controls reality, or at least, what the people inside it consider to be reality. There are people who specialize in managing the thoughts of the public: the Thought Police. While they may technically not be able to literally see inside one's mind, they watch everyone carefully and are excellent at noticing everything: every facial expression, every eyebrow twitch, and every breath.

The Party rules through a series of four "ministries." These are the Ministry of Truth (like an educational ministry, responsible for producing propaganda), the Ministry of Peace (like a military, responsible for warfare), the Ministry of Love (like the correctional system, responsible for jailing and torturing dissidents), and the Ministry of Plenty (like the treasury, responsible for rationing).

When it suits the Party, anyone can be "vaporized." This means they are secretly murdered and all evidence of them - any existing record whatsoever, any news story, any list or database entry - is erased.

The Party has a new language they're developing as a method of thought control called Newspeak. The purpose of Newspeak is to make it impossible to articulate certain kinds of thoughts. The following is a character named Syme describing Newspeak:

"Don't you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. ... In fact there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking - not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness."

It's worth noting that Syme is later vaporized, presumably just for being too insightful out loud about Newspeak. In Newspeak, people who have been vaporized, if they must ever be referred to at all, are called "unpersons." In this way, no one has ever been killed by the Party, because those people have never existed in the first place.

There's a key Newspeak word that appears over and over: doublethink. It's the ability to believe two contradictory things simultaneously, and unlike the way we usually experience cognitive dissonance, there is no urge or attempt to reconcile what is really true. With doublethink, the existence of two contradictory ideas at once is itself exploited to help Party members serve the Party.

The Party (and its equivalents in Eurasia and Eastasia) uses perpetual war to control the population by squandering the resources produced by human labor and keep people in a perpetual combination of patriotic fervor and fear. The war is infinite and can never be won; the whole purpose of the war is to be at war.

Socially, the Party has destroyed family life. Winston was married years ago. He and his wife are so estranged that he is no longer sure if she is alive. They did not have a good relationship. The Party does not want close emotional relationships between its members, so while they are strict about who is allowed to marry (not for love, strictly for procreation), they don't care if people continue to live together. However, the Party does not want people forming new relationships, so divorce and extramarital sex are also illegal. The Party has also turned children against their parents by encouraging children to report their parents' potential thoughtcrimes. All in all, family members are generally afraid of each other.

We see, over and over again, how the Party does its best to frame human beings as both inherently untrustworthy and as objects to be used. Pitting people from individual family members to entire classes, sexes, and races against each other is one of the Party's many techniques for controlling people, and it has seeped into Winston's everyday thought processes. Only actual experiences with other human beings even begin to break these ideas down.

Eventually, it becomes apparent that the Party's motivation is immortality through the denial of the individual. Human beings are denied their own personal thoughts, feelings, and bodies. Only their ability to be assimilated into the Party is permitted. Even thoughts and feelings about the greater good are unacceptable because these lead to regime changes and interfere with the raw totalitarian power of the Party. Every Party member in Oceania is meant to strive exclusively for the continued power of the Party. Dissidents are denied even the ability to be martyrs, because the Party does not kill people while they carry hatred for Big Brother; they simply change their thoughts until they are good Party members again, and then kill them later, when they are no longer dissidents and have no legacy of resistance to leave behind.

Winston's Plot

Winston has a secret desire to be free of the Party. He does get swept up in the Party's fervor when he's in the middle of it, but he also longs for the extremely basic pleasures and freedoms that have become taboo. For example, Winston secretly buys an old pen and journal to write in - a completely forbidden act that he has to conceal from the telescreen in his own apartment. He finds himself almost unconsciously writing things like "DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER" in that journal.

There is an Inner Party member named O'Brien who Winston admires greatly from a distance despite knowing only his appearance: "intelligent" with a "prizefighter's physique." Winston perceives that he and O'Brien "understand" each other somehow, and even believes O'Brien has spoken to him in a dream, saying they "shall meet where there is no darkness." Eventually, Winston imagines he is addressing his journal to the mysterious O'Brien, believing him to be an ally.

Winston has an acquaintance at work named Syme. Syme is very passionate about revising the Newspeak dictionary. However, he is a little too openly insightful about the true purpose of Newspeak for his own good. Even though Syme does not seem to have any intention of betraying the Party and in fact is extremely taken with Newspeak, Winston is convinced he will be vaporized, and sure enough, he is.

There is a woman Winston thinks he hates because she looks like the perfect Party member who would turn him in to the Thought Police. Actually, the narration outright states that he doesn't like women entirely, because he thinks they're too committed to the Party and enjoy betraying men. However, it turns out that this woman observes Winston by the shop where he bought his illegal notebook. By simply observing Winston in that shop, the Party would suspect he's committing thoughtcrimes, and Winston panics. However, the woman later bumps into Winston at work and passes him a note that says, "I love you." Winston then instantly decides he wants to be with her; the idea of not being with her never even occurs to him.

The woman's name is Julia. It turns out Julia is putting on an incredibly convincing act, but she hates the Party, too. Winston is technically married, so he can't legally marry Julia, and any kind of non-procreative sex is illegal anyway, so their relationship is entirely forbidden.

Winston and Julia meet up and have sex in secret. It's worth noting that during their first meeting, they enjoy listening to a thrush singing. During this first meeting, they go out to the countryside, where there are fewer telescreens and microphones; Winston comments that it's like the "Golden Country," his symbolic dream-place where people are free.

A man named Mr. Charrington owns the shop where Winston had bought his notebook, and he also owns a room for rent above the shop. It's an old-fashioned prole room without telescreens and with a great number of old-fashioned fixtures. Winston and Julia rent it to get away from Party life for a few hours every now and then. When they first start staying in the room, Julia observes a rat and throws her shoe at it. Winston is utterly terrified, showing that he has a serious phobia of rats; it is vaguely implied that he had a traumatic moment related to them as a child. Julia takes the rat in stride; they are everywhere. She promises to block up the hole so the rat does not return.

Julia and Winston spend time in their prole room knowing for sure that it will eventually lead to their capture, torture, and death, but they decide it will be worth it. Winston voices some interest in trying to work against the Party; Julia does not believe this is possible whatsoever, and is not interested in trying. She believes people are better off putting on a convincing act and getting away with as much as they can for as long as they can.

Meanwhile, during the workday, O'Brien speaks to Winston. He mentions Syme without using his name, which is incredibly unusual, since people who are vaporized are never ever acknowledged again; all their work is erased from history. But O'Brien mentions Syme's work on the Newspeak dictionary and gives Winston his home address so that Winston can borrow the dictionary. Party members also don't often give each other their addresses. Because of these unusual cues, Winston infers that O'Brien is inviting him over to conspire against the Party.

While Winston and Julia meet up and have sex, they also indulge in other pleasures of the world, like real coffee and chocolate, and proles singing outside their window, and art that hasn't been generated by the Party. Observing the proles and their richer emotional lives, Winston and Julia decide they are going to worry only about their feelings. The Party can coerce them to do anything, including to confess, but as long as the Party can't make them stop loving each other, they agree, they will never have betrayed each other. Julia says that for all the things the Party can do, they can't get inside their heads.

So seized are Winston and Julia by their conviction that they decide to go visit O'Brien together and confess to wanting to destroy the Party. O'Brien tells them they may join the Brotherhood, a mysterious group of dissidents working to bring down Big Brother, but they must be willing to sacrifice everything; they must be willing to not only suffer and die, but to murder civilians, to spread disease, to sow discord, to do anything the Brotherhood asks of them. They even, O'Brien says, must be willing to "separate and never see one another again." This is the only thing Julia and Winston are unwilling to agree to. O'Brien accepts them anyway and, many days later, gives Winston a book through a secret messenger.

This book contains the writings of Goldstein, the supposed leader of the Brotherhood, outlining the Party's core philosophy. Winston reads this to Julia, who is hinted to not be all that interested, but she does listen a little.

While they look out the window and contemplate that the proles are alive and the Party members are already dead, Winston and Julia are captured. It turns out Mr. Charrington was a member of the Thought Police and the room had surveillance in it. Winston and Julia are separated and dragged to the Ministry of Love.

While at the Ministry of Love, Winston spends a lot of time waiting, watching other prisoners pass through. Some of them are proles, and some of them are people he knows. The waiting room is enormous and brightly lit with telescreens on all walls. There are essentially no shadows.

Another familiar face appears at the Ministry of Love. It's O'Brien. Winston first thinks O'Brien has been captured, but it soon becomes apparent that O'Brien was masterminding this whole operation and is in charge of Winston's torture. They have, indeed, met "where there is no darkness" - because of all the telescreens and artificial lighting. O'Brien and other Party members even wrote Goldstein's book as yet another propaganda piece. O'Brien states the description of the Party in the book is true, although the book's implication that the Party can be defeated through a prole uprising is false because a prole uprising will never happen. (Note that Winston did not actually read the part of the book where "Goldstein" outlined how the Party should be defeated.)

Winston is tortured for an undetermined amount of time. He discovers that he is a prisoner of his body; his torturers can get him to say pretty much anything through punishment and reward. In fact, they can force him to feel certain ways, too. O'Brien and the Party aren't only trying to get Winston to give away information; they want him to really internalize sincere belief in the Party doctrine, like doublethink, symbolized by the concept that 2+2 equals 5.

Winston starts out promising to himself there are certain things he will never agree to or say out loud, but torture proves an effective method at getting him to say whatever O'Brien wants. Winston vows that he will recite the Party lines, but will not actually believe them. If he lies to get the torture to stop but still retains his ability to reason for himself, Winston believes, then he can beat the Party.

However, O'Brien and the torturers are slowly able to break that down, too, as they are good at reading Winston's emotions, and they torture him every time he recites their desired lines without the sincere belief they're looking for. Winston is highly resistant to the 2+2=5 idea, but as he is tortured over and over, he does come to believe that because the Party can define his reality through brute force, then 2+2=5 could very well be true. They can force it to be true. He has no choice but to believe it, because only believing it might possibly end his torture, and the torture must end.

In other words, Winston and Julia were wrong. The Party can, in fact, get inside your head.

When Winston starts to believe 2+2=5, O'Brien does indeed start to improve his treatment of Winston, providing him with food and comfort, allowing Winston to become much healthier over time. This bonds Winston to O'Brien and makes him feel attached. However, Winston has not forgotten Julia, and in an unguarded moment, he cries out for her. This prompts O'Brien to ask Winston his feelings, again, about Big Brother. Winston states that he hates Big Brother.

It is at this moment when O'Brien sends Winston to the notorious Room 101.

In Room 101, prisoners face their worst fears - which, of course, the Party knows, because they know everything about everyone. Winston, who we know has a phobia of rats, is shown a pair of cages with starving rats in them. He is told that the rats are, as everyone in this world knows, flesh-eaters, despite being rodents. Winston is restrained, his head held in place, and O'Brien informs him that the rats will be released to eat his face.

Winston realizes what O'Brien wants to hear: he realizes his torturers will probably not allow the rats to eat him if he is willing to inflict the torture on Julia instead. They want Winston's betrayal of Julia to be complete. They want him to stop caring for her, the one thing he and Julia had once agreed they would never, ever do. And Winston has reached his limit: he cannot tolerate the idea of being eaten alive specifically by rats. So Winston says, "Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia!"

And then he is finally let go.

We continue with Winston once again living on the outside. He has seen and spoken to Julia, who was also let go. But the bond between them is completely broken. Julia admits she also betrayed Winston when she was faced with Room 101.

"Sometimes," she said, "they threaten you with something---something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. And then you say, 'Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to so-and-so.' And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn't really mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself, and you're quite ready to save yourself that way. You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself." "All you care about is yourself," he echoed. "And after that, you don't feel the same toward the other person any longer." "No," he said, "you don't feel the same."

In other words, by demonstrating to Winston and Julia that they ultimately cannot escape their own self-interest, O'Brien has caused them to reject each other.

At the tail end of the book, Winston is sitting in his usual spot at a place called the Chestnut Tree Café, pondering a happy moment from his childhood before pushing the memory away, believing it to be a false memory. When an enormous military victory is announced on the telescreen, Winston realizes that he finally, truly loves Big Brother.

Interpretation of the End

Although the events at the end of the book are pretty straightforwardly described, I found them slightly confusing on an emotional level. Winston and Julia aren't really angry at each other for their betrayals, it doesn't seem - in fact, they admit to each other that's what happened, and they agree on their mutual experience. But they don't love each other anymore, and Winston loves Big Brother instead.

So, here is my initial thought on what the characters went through:

For people to love each other, both need a sense of individuality. There needs to be a connection, but there also needs to be a specific You and a Somebody to love, to connect to.

Through torture, O'Brien has effectively torn away Winston's individual sense of self. I know that's a weird thing to suggest when the book repeats "all you care about is yourself" multiple times, but I think that by so completely obliterating Winston's ability to make anything resembling his own decision, O'Brien has essentially made "Big Brother" and "Winston ('yourself')" the same person. Big Brother's wishes are Winston's wishes. Winston has been assimilated into Big Brother. Winston and Julia's conversation at the end describes what it feels like to be liquidated as a person and assimilated into a collective.

Winston now knows that the one core impulse he can never escape is self-preservation, and the only one who can provide that, with infinite military might and an infinitely-deep torture repertoire, is Big Brother. Julia represents the ideal that caused Winston to estrange himself from the safety of embracing and trusting Big Brother. And because Big Brother is both eternal and almighty, giver of both life and death, he is the only one it is safe to trust.

By betraying Julia, Winston discovered that his own will inherently had limits; because he would always, eventually, revert to self-preservation, his will and therefore his identity became synonymous with the force that decided whether to preserve him. That's why the end of the novel involves Winston imagining that he has finally been shot in the head and killed; he has experienced the death of his sense of self. And this is exactly how "Goldstein's" book indicated the Party's operations work: eliminate individuals and assimilate them into a collective to achieve immortality.

Character and Faction Parallels Between Nineteen Eighty-Four and Good Omens

The Party and Heaven and Hell

They're both the one overarching power over everyone's existence. The inner workings of it are mysterious to the characters and even moreso to the audience. The main characters are agents working for these entities, and they are controlled through surveillance, punishment, and reward.

Although Heaven and Hell give the impression of being two large overarching powers, it seems apparent to me that the whole thing is really just one system that has intentionally split its workforce into factions. Ultimately I think we will see in the most explicit way possible that whoever is actively calling the shots in Heaven is also actively in charge of Hell.

Winston and Julia, Aziraphale and Crowley

Both pairs are agents who are in love with each other even though they're not supposed to be, who enjoy Earthly pleasures and experience the joys of humanity before getting arrested and dragged away by their authoritarian "employers."

It's tempting to try and figure out which character mirrors which - Aziraphale mirroring Winston, Crowley mirroring Julia? - but I think, sort of like with Nina and Maggie, the reflections work in every direction. The characters aren't literal stand-ins for each other, but they are exploring similar themes, including what happens to people when a society forbids intimacy.

O'Brien and the Metatron

"More even than of strength, he gave an impression of confidence and of an understanding tinged by irony." This line describes O'Brien from Nineteen Eighty-Four, but it sounds quite a lot like the Metatron's manner as he enters Aziraphale's bookshop. Confidence and an understanding tinged by irony indeed.

O'Brien seems to appeal to Winston's ideal in authority figures, appealing both intelligent and physically strong. The Metatron seems to have tailored himself to appeal to Aziraphale's ideal of an authority figure: someone who is calm and in control, but also has an exceptionally gentle manner (and this isn't really true of the Metatron, but he can make it look like it is).

There are more similarities. Winston thinks and hopes O'Brien will be a helpful figure, and O'Brien convinces Winston he's a helpful figure, but in the end, O'Brien is the mastermind behind Winston's capture and torture. Additionally, Winston assumes, during his torture, that the Party's drive for power is for the Greater Good. But O'Brien tells him this is stupid, and the Party's drive for power is just for the pure sake of having power, because that's the only thing that will guarantee the Party's immortality.

This reminds me a little bit of the Metatron telling Aziraphale the point of the war is to win it, not to avoid it. It also hits me as a potential motivation for Heaven - like, why do they do what they do instead of doing something else, since the universe seems perfectly capable of running itself? "Power" or "immortality" could be a reason, and it would also be a reason that would resonate with very human themes, since power and (symbolic) immortality are among the motivations that can drive real-life authoritarians.

The Proles and Humanity

The common people. The populations who are considered by the main characters' societies to be "beneath" them, but who the main characters become fascinated by, and whose lifestyles the main characters come to prefer.

Both Nineteen Eighty-Four and Good Omens contain in their narratives the notion that the prole or human way of life is where true meaning can be experienced. Winston and Julia go as far as to announce that proles are alive and Party members are dead. And at the end of Good Omens Season 1, Aziraphale outright tells Adam that being "human incarnate" is better than being Heaven or Hell incarnate.

This mirror is probably the one that brings up the richest speculation possibilities for me. I won't go in-depth here, but I see in both stories the main characters developing this love for the proles and humans while continuing to separate from them - even trying to turn around and exploit the very power structures that have oppressed them in an effort to fight against the oppression.

It's worth noting that in Nineteen Eighty-Four, Mr. Charrington, the man who Winston and Julia rented their secret love nest from, and whom they thought was a prole, was actually a member of the Thought Police who helped capture them, whereas in Good Omens, so far, the humans have just been humans, and while Adam Young started out as an incredibly powerful non-human, he later chose to be a human and used his power to reject authoritarianism.

The Themes

Authoritarianism and Power

Obviously, the whole overarching cautionary tale in Nineteen Eighty-Four is about authoritarianism and the insidious ways it affects populations. The Party's power is almost as absolute as it can possibly be. Big Brother really is almost always watching; there is almost always a telescreen somewhere nearby. Even when there isn't a telescreen, there are microphones. And unorthodox ideas and behavior are punished with annihilation - not just death, but the total annihilation of the self.

Doesn't this sound like a version of Heaven and Hell in Good Omens?

At first glance, it appears Oceania's Party is more aggressive about surveilling its Party members than Heaven and Hell are about surveilling Aziraphale and Crowley. One has to wonder if perhaps Heaven and Hell are just as aggressive with surveillance in the Upstairs and Downstairs themselves, but are less aggressive or maybe even less capable on Earth, just like the Party's surveillance is less in the countryside (although it is still a significant threat there).

But still, we see Michael pull out those photos of Crowley and Aziraphale through the ages, and we hear the Metatron refer to reviewing Aziraphale's "exploits," and we see Hell drag Crowley down in 1827, and we see both Crowley and Aziraphale anxiously glancing around throughout history with the assumption that someone might be listening, and we see how ready Heaven is to erase Gabriel's memories (his identity! his entire self!) from existence. We also watch Heaven and Hell try to make Aziraphale and Crowley disappear in a gout of hellfire and a tub of holy water after realizing that Aziraphale and Crowley do represent a threat to the current celestial order. Heaven and Hell's Nineteen Eighty-Four-esque insidious threat is clearly established in both seasons.

Vaporizing Dissidents

In fact, Heaven and Hell's arrest of Aziraphale and Crowley reminds me a bit of Winston and Julia's arrest, in the sense that the protagonists knew what was probably coming but not exactly when. And Heaven's attempted execution of Aziraphale in particular reminds me very much of the Party choosing to vaporize a dissident. They were going to try to disappear him. No angel or demon other than the ones who were involved would have known what happened to him. Hell's attempted execution of Crowley, meanwhile, reminds me of the Party's public executions of war prisoners.

Finally, the Party will attempt to erase people from existence by killing them and then erasing all records related to them, down to the very last detail. Meanwhile, the Archangel Michael threatens Aziraphale with being literally written out of existence in the Book of Life. There's lots of speculation about how possible this is. I wonder if maybe, it's a flawed process. Maybe erasing someone from the Book of Life can cut a hole shaped like them in the universe - but maybe it isn't that simple, and they don't actually get taken from anyone else's memories. Maybe, as people in Oceania haven't quite lost the ability to remember their dead, Heaven cannot actually erase the fact of anyone.

Social Disconnection

I see a lot of complaints online about the characters of Nineteen Eighty-Four being impossible to like. What tends to make characters likable? Their behaviors toward others, especially humor, compassion, individual quirks, and affection. Their moral strengths, like a sense of justice, might appeal to us, too. And what has the Party been systematically beating out of people for decades now? Anything that could possibly make fictional characters likable.

One of the Party's primary modes of social control is to keep people from having individual, intimate relationships outside of the Party. Each individual regards every other individual with distrust at all times, and only the Party is capable of providing safety. Winston mentions many instances in which he believes parents are afraid of their children, for example. There are also a number of people who he thinks would report him for thoughtcrimes.

This is getting into heavy speculation territory, but it hits me as a major motivation for the Fall in the first place. It's a great way to instantly divide Heaven itself in half, make everyone instantly suspicious of everyone else, and set up a whole bunch of rewards and punishments to hold over people's heads related to Falling.

One thing that's obvious, though, is the total lack of social connection in Heaven. Michael and Uriel are constantly treating each other with barely-suppressed contempt. Muriel wants approval so badly, but nobody has any patience for them. The "friendliest" any angels get are Gabriel and Sandalphon in Season 1, and that's still like, corporate-coworkers-style friendliness. Gabriel outright tells Beelzebub that no one has ever given him anything. Although it's...theoretically possible Gabriel is an outlier, I think his experience is probably representative of all the angels.

Bodily Experiences, Physicality, Gross Matter

There is a moment that made a big impression on me. Winston observes a prole woman outside singing a silly popular song at the top of her lungs as she works. This woman is not an attractive person by Winston's or Party standards; she is older, she is fat, she has a "lower-class" accent, her skin is weathered and reddened from working outside. But Winston, self-admitted misogynist who came of age on the Party's feminine ideal, thinks she is beautiful. He has a moment of realization that she's beautiful because the very things that theoretically would make her "unattractive" are evidence of a human life fully lived.

We also have Winston and Julia enjoying the world through their senses together in a way that they simply cannot in the grips of the Party. From listening to a thrush in the countryside to drinking real, delicious coffee, they experience pleasures that are denied to them and cause them to feel peaceful in a way that is denied to Outer Party members. As they experience life in a way that is much closer to the ways of the proles, they decide that only proles are alive; Party members are dead. It is at the moment when they speak this out loud that the Party chooses to capture them.

There's a darker side to the bodily experiences explored in Nineteen Eighty-Four, and that's experienced in the Ministry of Love. Here, Winston and Julia discover that their thoughts and feelings are indeed controlled by their bodies. There is only so much pain a human being can withstand before they will comply with their captors just to get the torture to stop. In fact, if the Party's psychological manipulation tactics haven't worked thus far to indoctrinate the population, then the body can be used to brute-force an attitude change.

The connection to Good Omens here is obvious. Aziraphale and Crowley are just like a couple of Outer Party members who haven't experienced real pleasure before, and then they discover wine and ox ribs and music and nice clothes and all those delightful human experiences that the other angels sneer at. It seems Heaven looks down on Earthly pleasure as a morally inferior, dirty pursuit, while Hell looks on Earthly pleasure as a kind of weakness, a pathetic softness. But Earth is where Aziraphale and Crowley have found meaning. Physical existence is where they've found themselves, where they've connected with each other, and where they've connected with the stuff of the universe itself.

Memory Manipulation and Thought Policing

In Nineteen Eighty-Four, there are massive governmental departments dedicated to revising all printed records, including reprinting newspapers as needed. Private writing is also not allowed. This means that even if a Party member has a memory, there is no physical evidence of it. Even if there were physical evidence, something a person had stuffed away in a safe place, there would be another, more "official" source to prove one's personal source wrong. Of course, anyone trying to make any kind of fuss about official sources being wrong would disappear, too, so no one will even try.

Winston mentions often in his narration that he has trouble remembering large portions of his life because of the way the Party has controlled the public narrative and obscured any fact that would once have been a point of reference for him. For example, Winston estimates that the date his journal starts would be April 4, 1984, but he actually isn't certain, not even about the year, because time isn't kept track of by those dates anymore. Historical facts, like events that led to the Party's ascent to power, have been rewritten so many times that Winston can no longer know what really happened. He can be sure there was chaos in the streets, followed by violence, and then proclamations from above about what was supposedly true, but one individual human being usually can't judge the big picture of what's going on in their entire society without a relatively objective source of information for major events.

Nineteen Eighty-Four also has literal thought police, Party members who study their fellow citizens for any sign of even the most remote disagreement with Party doctrine. If someone proves to be a problematic thinker, as Winston and Julia both did, they are dragged to the Ministry of Love to be violently re-educated. Using a series of punishments and rewards, prisoners are slowly broken down until they are unable to think for themselves at all.

Although it's unclear what Heaven is like in regards to spreading information, we've got the Metatron and the Archangels literally ready to erase Gabriel's memory. In Good Omens, since it's all dressed up in Heavenly attire and the characters have their unique attitudes, it comes across as less dystopian, more quirky and fantastical. But they are fundamentally threatening exactly what is done in Nineteen Eighty-Four. And based on Beelzebub's comment about how Gabriel's memory is "all your...you," the same identity issues would be at play. To erase Gabriel's memories would be to erase everything that makes Gabriel himself - an execution by another name.

Reality As A Construct (Or Not)

The Party's stance on reality is fairly simple: human beings perceive reality, so if human perception can be altered, reality can be changed and turned into whatever the Party wants it to be. This sounds wrong because it is wrong, but people who the Party has targeted for thought control don't get to think for themselves about it, because they can't withstand the torture.

This might be Heaven's approach to reality as well. Look at how questioning is discouraged, and how the angels choose to believe whatever is most convenient for Heaven, or whatever they believe should be true ("there are no back channels").

More importantly, though, we have characters in Good Omens who actually can change reality. In particular, this is what Adam Young does - and what he actively chooses not to do for the majority of the world, in the end. He only adjusts reality enough to be allowed to make his own decision: he's not the Antichrist anymore. Otherwise, he restores the world to its state from before he ascended to power (aside from a couple of tiny little eleven-year-old-boy-ish tweaks here and there; hey, you can't blame a kid for adding a few extras of his favorite books to the world).

Proles as the saviors of society

So this one is complicated because repeatedly through Nineteen Eighty-Four, we come across this feeling from WInston and Julia that the proles have some almost mystical connection to True Humanity which Party members have lost. However, there is also the repeated assumption that the proles are incapable of revolution on their own. And in a practical sense, this appears to be true. The intellectuals of their world look down on them for it, but the truth is that just as in real life, the proles are living in poverty and are far too desperate for their basic necessities to ever gain the class consciousness needed to overthrow the Party. This is, of course, by design.

Winston goes as far as to believe the proles might possibly rise up and overthrow the Party, but he never considers working with them. He goes straight into the jaws of the Inner Party instead! This seems to be for a couple of reasons, but primarily because Winston has formed this sort of attachment to O'Brien, his Inner Party member of choice.

In Good Omens, Season 1 and the book, humans do eventually save the world. Well, Adam - technically an Antichrist - saves the world by thinking like a human and accepting humanity as his true "side."

Free Will

"Free will" as a theme really ties into humanity as a theme in Good Omens, since Earth is neutral ground between Heaven and Hell and humans aren't born to a particular Side. In Nineteen Eighty-Four, of course, the Party's goal is to eliminate free will, while in Good Omens, Heaven and Hell are looking to eliminate humanity.

Individualism Versus Collectivism

Oh there it is! There's my pet theme!

I've always argued that in Good Omens, the core of the dualism explored between Aziraphale and Crowley is individualism and collectivism, with Crowley the dedicated individualist who nonetheless would like to belong somewhere, and Aziraphale the nervous collectivist who is secretly desperate to have an identity and belongings to himself. Good Omens has already touched on the notion that working together as a collective is necessary to keep the world turning, but it's also important to preserve individuality, so we have people to keep us company and meaning to live for. I think this will come up again.

Meanwhile, Nineteen Eighty-Four explores an authoritarian and destructive form of collectivism in which human beings are not allowed to have individual interests or experiences; everything flows toward the power of the Party. Individual identity is viewed as a weakness. With that said, Nineteen Eighty-Four does consider the potential power of collectives to overcome authoritarianism.

Mortality, Immortality, and Change

In Nineteen Eighty-Four, O'Brien eventually reveals that the goal of the Party is to become immortal through collectivism. While the fate of an individual human being is always to die, the Party believes a collective that is single-minded enough about maintaining power can live forever. In that way, people who submit to the Party's power can live forever, too. One has to wonder about the real point of all this, of course. The Party regards change as its downfall. For the Party to succeed, it must keep everyone moving toward the exact same goal of maintaining power forever.

In Good Omens, many of the characters are naturally immortal, as angels or demons. They don't have to change, and Heaven and Hell don't have to change. However, existing as immortals in Heaven or Hell, not experiencing any of the things mortals do in the physical world, all seems pretty obviously pointless. Aziraphale and Crowley, and then Gabriel and Beelzebub, and then Muriel, all start to find meaning on Earth among mortals. And I think this is all yet to be expanded upon, especially with the looming Second Coming.

Where Good Omens is concerned, the notion of change as a type of death and/or death as a type of change may be important (and ties into The Crow Road by Iain Banks as well).

By coming to Earth, the immortal characters are essentially doing the reverse of assimilating with the Party or Heaven and Hell: they're discovering themselves. With self-discovery comes the risk of change - changing from who they used to be in Heaven or Hell - and the reward of meaning.

The Party of Oceania wants to assimilate everyone into the same goal of maintaining the Party's power in order to make the Party immortal. While "maintaining power" is a "purpose" of sorts for the collective, on an individual level for any specific human being, it is nihilistic, since there is no place for the individual other than ensuring the success of the Party's destruction of the individual.

Freedom in the Natural World

In both stories, we've got the notion of nature as a place of freedom. The countryside where Winston and Julia first meet up lacks telescreens, and there are fewer microphones as well, allowing them to act naturally in a way that isn't usually permitted in the city. The room that Winston and Julia rent from Mr. Charrington is also so old-fashioned that it doesn't have a telescreen; they believe themselves to be momentarily safe in their own little world there. Unfortunately, Mr. Charrington is not really an ordinary prole, but a member of the Thought Police, which allows the Party to invade Winston's and Julia's space.

Of course, in Good Omens, Earth is the ultimate place of freedom. Heaven and Hell are both awful in their ways, hyper-controlled and devoid of real meaning. It's on Earth that Aziraphale and Crowley can begin to truly live. Of course, the safe little place they create together, the bookshop, is eventually invaded by Heaven and Hell.

I'd like to leave you with a pair of quotations.

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face---forever. ... And remember that it is forever. The face will always be there to be stamped upon. The heretic, the enemy of society, will always be there, so that he can be defeated and humiliated over again. Everything that you have undergone since you have been in our hands---all that will continue, and worse. The espionage, the betrayals, the arrests, the tortures, the executions, the disappearances will never cease." O'Brien Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell Part Three, Chapter III

"If you want to imagine the future, imagine a boy and his dog and his friends. And a summer that never ends. If you want to imagine the future, imagine a boot . . . no, imagine a sneaker, laces trailing, kicking a pebble; imagine a stick, to poke at interesting things, and throw for a dog that may or may not decide to retrieve it; imagine a tuneless whistle, pounding some luckless popular song into insensibility; imagine a figure, half angel, half devil, all human . . . Slouching hopefully towards Tadfield. . . . . . . forever. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello, Nightfolk Network. Me am gorilla.

Gorilla used to be in zoo. Then, one night, big white ball appear over gorilla nest. Ball make very big noise and very big light, get louder and brighter until gorilla fall asleep. When wake up, ball gone and gorilla am smart like person.

Gorilla want to live outside like person do, so run away from zoo. Have hard first month or so, but eventually gorilla find good job at dock and make enough to rent room from little old lady.

Dock job mostly good, is a lot of lift. Gorilla good at lift, and when gorilla go out for drink with work buddies, they say “attaboy, gorilla” and pat on back and gorilla feel like part of gang. Problem is, sometimes gorilla afraid world think gorilla ONLY good at lift, Nightfolk Network know what gorilla mean? Gorilla more than that. Good listener, enjoy trip to theatre… but worry people only see big gorilla arms and not big gorilla heart.

This make gorilla not sure where to go in life. Stay in dock job with money and people but keep just being big lift gorilla? Find other job? Maybe go to school, get degree?

Gorilla even consider going back to zoo, where gorilla know me have square meal every day and plenty of free time and no rent, but not know if it worth life beholden to schedule and whims of The Man. What Nightfolk Network advice?

Thank you,

Gorilla

My dear reader, it sounds as if you're at a very exciting crossroads in your life. You've made excellent progress in carving out a life for yourself after leaving the zoo, and I hope you can take a moment to be proud of how far you've come. You've found a home, a job, and have started building up a community around you. Attaboy, gorilla!

That said, I absolutely understand your frustration at the two-dimensional image your friends seem to have of you. You deserve to be loved and appreciated for all facets of your being, not only those which are most useful to other people.

I can't recommend going back to the zoo, I'm afraid. Unfortunately the benefits it offers come at far too great a cost – namely, to your autonomy and dignity. Better to make your own choices and risk the consequences than to have no choices at all.

Pursuing your education sounds like an excellent step in the right direction. Not only will it improve your chances in the job market, it will also hopefully expose you to all sorts of new ideas and perspectives on the world that you might not have had access to during your time at the zoo.

It will also put you in the way of other learners, and perhaps offer a different sort of friendship than your workmates provide. We all need all sorts of different relationships to feel supported, and the wider range of people you can socialise with, the better.

I don't think you necessarily need to jump straight in with a degree-level course, however. In fact, that might prove rather difficult. I have no doubt you are capable and intelligent enough to pursue a degree if you put your mind to it, but it will be very difficult to get a place on a course without any prior qualifications.

What's more, I'm very aware that you are only at the very earliest stage of your independence. University is a good fit for certain kinds of learners with certain kinds of interests, but it isn't the only option available to you.

You need to take a little time working out what it is you really want to do, and come up with a plan of action that suits your own needs.

I recommend reaching out to your local council to see what opportunities are available for adult learners. Many offer free courses where you can earn the equivalent of your GCSEs or A Levels, usually with flexible course times that can fit around a working person's schedule.

Just as your work friends need to learn to see you as a more rounded person, you also need to treat yourself with the same courtesy. You have so much within you that deserves to be nurtured and nourished, and are only at the start of the journey to discover what all those different needs might be.

In short, reader, I recommend throwing yourself into new experiences, pursuing whatever avenues take your interest, and opening that big gorilla heart to the world.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

two weeks of peak season down, thirteen to go! due to some fortuitously timed cancellations i actually did hit my dream of being a week ahead on prep work (well, at least on answer key making) on tuesday of this past week. it didn’t last long lol (partly due to i was being Insane which seems to have calmed down some knock on wood) but i’ve caught up some more and i’m pretty sure i should be able to get back to a week ahead tomorrow morning while catching up on industry.

this past week i worked about 35 hours, which does remain on the high end for me. i have also tutored every day since last sunday which is not my favorite although both my incredibly far friday night student (i’m talking bay ridge… back to queens that is a commute the length of a feature length movie…) & my saturday kid are taking this week off, which is a huge relief lol. meanwhile the content development side gig continues slowly wrapping up, which is the main reason i am still mostly ignoring everything outside of work i can ignore - i’m basically racing the other active developer for claiming the last few available sets, of which there are 6, although i am not racing very fast because i don’t actually have that much time to work on them and i also am trying not to push my brain into the burnout zone… last fall when i was really actively trying to get on more even financial footing i was very ungenerous about giving my brain time off and it led me to feeling very bad inside all the time for a long while! this year i feel like my goal is really just to get through the season without feeling bad. do what i need to do and not freak out about it, which also entails not putting pressure on myself about things i don’t need to do. perhaps next year my goal will be to do that and also stay in touch with my hobbies and bigger picture goals and such lol. but in the meantime i am being very relaxed with myself about if i want to just read people on reddit talking about john mulaney’s ex-wife’s book everybody hates or whatever, although this week i do want to finish the patrick radden keefe book about human smuggling in chinatown i have on ebook hold.

i played mario kart with some friends & acquaintances this week, i didn’t bail on opening free store even though i kinda wanted to. i have not updated my little habit tracker in A While but i worked out 5 times again this week & hit my step goal; i had to take an extra rest day yesterday due to silent migraine keeping me in sitting jail but today’s was a bodyweight routine so hopefully i can go straight into the one i was set to do tomorrow, since i do really like the friday/sunday rest schedule. i am very stressed about two of my kids’ score trajectories lol but the one whose mom made me do a phone call (why) to be like “yes i have seen students in his position improve no i can’t really promise more than that” just kicked ass on a practice test which was a relief. even though i am spending so much time Highlighting and Content Developing and Admin Doing (my least favorite work task that no one makes me do but me is updating their little homework google docs… but like so often i end a session being like well ok i will see if i can find a worksheet to link you on circle graphs….) i still am actively getting a kick out of my cozy fall routine where i can sleep late and do work in bed while drinking coffee until i’m awake enough to work out. my room is still very messy but it’s literally whatever. if this is the week things start feeling crazy it will only be 13 weeks of craziness which is quite survivable! but also i don’t think it will be (although, like, famous last words, so knock wood!).

[wordstreamer]

Seems like everyone needs money these days, and I know I don’t have a lot of followers, but if anyone who sees this can boost or donate something to my KoFi or to a GoFundMe we set up, it would be much appreciated.

Our eldest cat, Diva, had to have multiple emergency blood transfusions, setting us back over $8k in money that we do not have; all three of our cats have medical needs that total about $338/month, on top of their regular care.

(Obligatory pics of our beautiful girl, her baby brothers, Poe and Silver, and said beautiful girl again.)

So, while I don’t love asking this, anything would help.

Edited to add: 7/5 and Diva's tentatively doing better. She's home, her appetite is coming back, and she's getting back to her normal levels of chattiness and energy. We've still got work to do, but things are looking up.

Additional updates under the Read More.

Diva on the bed for the first time in almost a week. (A tabby cat is curled up on a purple pillow, paws tucked in.)

Diva on the bed for the first time in almost a week. (A tabby cat is curled up on a purple pillow, paws tucked in.)

7/17 and probably (hopefully!) the last update for the foreseeable future. Diva had a follow-up appointment today and we confirmed that her red blood cell levels are well within where they should be. She is back to her normal levels of energy, and she is eating and drinking pretty normally, with fairly normal litterbox activities.

I also got a new job - it pays a little less than what I was making, which is a problem, but it will help.

We really appreciate everyone who has spread the word and helped us out! <3 Thank you so, so much.

7/24: One more update, since it’s somewhat relevant: I heard from my former manager, and will probably be getting brought back onto a different team. Diva just jumped around the bedroom and is staring at me judgmentally, which is perfectly reasonable, and her baby brothers are resting peacefully. One of the car problems has been fixed by my father-in-law, and we’re looking into the others. I’ve removed the mention of getting laid off and having car issues from the main post, because while it was true, hopefully, that’s going to be less of a concern. (Trying to tackle an additional hefty vet bill is still a problem, but at least some things are back under control.) For now, things are looking up. Hopefully that’ll continue.

12/23: Edited the main part of the post, because so far, Diva is continuing to improve, and I think it's safe to say that she's "out of the woods." I don't want anyone who looks at my profile/sees this post to think that she is doing worse than she currently is.

We've had to make some changes to her diet and add a monthly Solensia shot to her schedule, but those are things that may have been on the horizon, anyway. We still have no idea what caused the scare back in July, but we haven't had any recurrences yet, and while we're still paying off her vet bill, we have been able to make the monthly payments without issue at this time.

We had a massive scare a few days after I originally made this post - we were absolutely convinced that that was it, that we were saying goodbye. She'd improved after we got her home, but then massively declined; in hindsight, it was most likely a swell of adrenaline/relief/not being at the vet anymore, followed by her needing to rest up after that sudden expenditure of energy. But at the time, it definitely looked like a relapse, and we had already decided--after talking to our vet--that we would not put her through another transfusion so quickly.

She was fine. Her red blood cell count was still rising, and she was livelier than they'd seen her at the emergency vet. So even if things take a bad turn, we've gotten another 5 good months with her and counting. I'm hoping she makes it to 18. I'm hoping she makes it to 20. I'm hoping she makes it beyond. I am so, so glad to have at least had another 5 months with her, and that we were not trapped in a situation where we had to live with the knowledge that while there were avenues we could pursue, we could not afford to save her.

[dokidokiliteraturegirls]

Progress Update: September 2024

Hello everyone! Yui Wrong here, to give you an update regarding the progress that's been made towards bringing Feel Less back from hiatus 💖

So! Soon it'll be 2 months since Feel Less went on hiatus. And on the one hand that kinda pisses me off bc I really really like publishing this webcomic and not doing it feels like I'm missing something important from my life 😭 on the other hand, I'm satisfied with the progress that's been made! Development of updates #37 and #38 has been steady, so I don't feel like I've wasted time. However, although I've been consistently making progress towards Feel Less's return, I feel like there's been some radio silence here in the blog, so I wanted to give you all an update about how things have been going ^^

For starters, lemme start with what I've been doing. Before doing any illustrations for the new updates, I decided to take a small break to practice my art style, as I was really unsatisfied with how my drawings were coming out. I focused on head shapes, as those felt inconsistent in my art. Here's a couple doodles I did in August for practice

I want to keep practicing, but I decided figuring out a consistent head shape was enough for now and got to work on the updates. And I'm glad I did! I do believe there's been some noticeable improvement in some pieces~ Like for example, take this old MG illustration compared to a WIP for update #38

I like both, but I'm especially happy with the 2nd one~

After practicing for a couple of weeks I went straight into planning out the next updates and got to work on the artwork. And the result was that... 29 illustrations in total would be needed for updates #37 and #38!!

That's. Too many. So while drawing I've also been cutting the plan down and deleting some superfluous panels. After trimming the excess, I ended up with a much more realistic... 27 panels!! There, now that's doable 🥰

I jest of course, but my point is that a lot of work needs to be done and I've been consistently going at it for the past 2 months. As of now, 9 of the illustrations have been fully completed. I also have 2 WIPS I'm currently working on, so that number will go up soon.

Does this mean it'll take 4 more months to get this done? Of course not! ...hopefully. Listen, I make no promises, but I'll try not to take too long. I value your time and am really grateful for your patience. Besides, I don't want people getting bored because I took too long to return from a cliffhanger. I'm not Andrew Hussie. My full time job and real life chores usually mean that I only have about an hour a day to work on art, but I have a couple plans to make production faster, such as cutting down some more planned panels and buying a keyboard that doesn't make noise. Why would a keyboard's noise be relevant? Well, it's not. I mean, I guess if I had that, I'd be able to draw while taking calls from work without my bosses noticing, as it wouldnt be picked my the microphone, and that'd give me an extra 10 hours a day to draw. But I won't do that, because that'd be irresponsible and unprofessional. So therefore, the keyboard is irrelevant. Forget I mentioned it.

Also, a point I imagine some people might be wondering: Why make it so long anyway? There's no one forcing me to have complicated scenes or almost 30 illustrations. It's my webcomic, I can do whatever I want. And taking a long break where I'm not even on break might sound like a dumb idea. However, for me, Feel Less is not just a webcomic I publish on my free time. I'd like it to be a showcase of the very best I can do at the point in time when an update is posted. From that perspective, it'd be dumb not to put effort into it. To compromise the quality of my works for the sake of following a schedule has never been something I've been a fan of. Now, I do want to be realistic, but also I don't want to feel like I'm giving up and just putting out whatever I can finish by my imaginary deadline. It's a delicate balance, but for these two updates in specific, I think quality should take precedence for a bit. My goal is for you guys to read them and go "oh, no wonder it took a while". At least for those 2, then we can go back to schedule.

Overall, my point is: progress is being made! It's currently all being done behind closed doors, so it might not be noticeable for you guys. But I promise, I haven't been twiddling my thumbs for these past 2 months! Maybe I should've, because my hands are quite cramped tbh. But no matter, art must be made! In the meantime, I'll leave you with a couple panels I've finished so you guys can see some of the work that's been done~

I'll continue updating you guys as time goes on~ If you want consistent updates, I've been dropping the number of finished panels on the discord server every time I'm done with one! Also, if you'd like to help me get to the point where I can work only 5 hours a day and put more time into the comic, you can support me on Patreon and get some goodies and custom drawings while you're there ^^

Thank you all once again for your patience, I'll keep working hard for you all 💖

[databreachss]

Hi all!!

Hi everybody! I’m so excited to finally have a personal blog outside of my main one! I figured I should do a post with a little bit about me and leave it pinned sooooo- here goes!

~~~~~~~

This is the alternate blog of Apocalyptyx- also known as Casual Misfortune.

Pronouns: Any!

What can you call me?: Apocalyptyx, Casual Misfortune, Misfortune, Tyx, anything as long as it’s not a slur lol

What are my interests?: Undertale (obv), pizza tower, TMNT, hunter x hunter, Danganronpa, Sanders Sides-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR PROGRAM HAS BEEN PERMANENTLY INTERRUPTED.

Excuse me for the theatrics. Generally, I’m not one to waste my time with these insipid introductions; but I figured since I’ve just taken over this blog, it would be polite to at least tell you what’s happening.

My name is Logan.

I am—what Roman would call at least— the “tech guy”. From now on, this blog is going to be the central broadcast of Data Breach.

The leaders of Virdis want nothing but to silence our voices. We’re here to put a stop to that.

May the precinct of Virdis continue to thrive, under new and improved jurisdiction, free for any and all to come and go as we so please.

We aren’t going anywhere. So I kindly suggest you stay tuned. But for now, allow me to hand control back to the owner of this blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was just kidding when I said this would be a personal blog!! Welcome to DATA BREACH- a Sanders Sides AU I’ve been working on for a little while!! I’ll be updating with character information, and some general facts about the world- backstory, setting, etc., and hopefully I’ll get around to making an actual story!

Before I post anything else- here are some guidelines!

•The source material is not mine! The original characters belong to Thomas Sanders.

•The lore is pretty much mostly written by me! And all art that comes out of this blog as well

•You can draw and redesign characters however you want, I don’t care- but tag me if you do!! I’d love to see any art you guys have :00

•I don’t have a set schedule, so be patient please:(

•lore ideas are more than welcome- in fact, PLEASE give me ideas!!! We’re pretty much in the very beginning stage of this project

•I do have another project that I’m working on. My main project is The Falling of Universe Zero, under my main blog “Apocalyptyx”. Go check it out if you’re interested in the UTMV fandom :33

[maybe-boys-do-love]

So related to the news about Thailand today, I want to detail a thing i noticed when writing a longer piece about Boston on Only Friends, because I think especially watching as foreigners, we can forget or ignore some really cool subtextual commentary that's happening in the QL shows we're watching.

We learn a couple episodes in that Boston's dad is running for office. When we first meet Boston's dad, Nick is working on his campaign flyer, which reads among other slogans, "Give me a chance to improve." (Thanks to @thaisongsengsub for the translation). Boston enters the scene wearing a graphic tee that says 1998. In 1998, the Thai Rak Thai party was founded in Thailand by Thaksin Shinawatra, who would become the first democratically elected prime minister of Thailand to serve a full term in 2001. According to the Guardian article where much of my info's coming from, he "introduced a universal healthcare scheme, village funds to stimulate growth, as well as policies to boost entrepreneurship and help the country recover from the Asian financial crisis. He also presided over the repayment of the debt Thailand owed to the IMF ahead of schedule."

In 2006 Thaksin Shinawatra was deposed by a military coup and his party was outlawed. Only Friends spoiler alert: Just as Boston lives in exile from his friend group and from Thailand by the series' end, Shinawatra would live in self-imposed exile beginning in 2008 and lasting fifteen years to avoid legal charges. Interestingly the former prime minister returned for the first time the same month that Only Friends premiered, August of 2023 (upon his return he was promptly put into custody).

A new incarnation of this populist neoliberal party formed after the dissolution of Thai Rak Thai, the People's Power Party, followed by Pheu Thai Party when the PPP was dissolved. Shinawatra's younger sister, Yingluck Sinawatra, would take on leadership of the party and become the Thailands first female prime minister from 2011-2014, when her tenure was also ended by the courts and a military coup from which she fled to exile. The party is currently being run by Shinawatra's daughter, Paetongtarn Shinawatra.

The Move Forward Party, a more progressive Thai party, that was dissolved by the courts yesterday had previously been part of a coalition in Parliament with the Pheu Thai Party but decided to not vote for its candidate for Prime Minister after the PTP decided to include more conservative parties that supported the military junta in its coalition also in August of 2023 (you know, the period Only Friends was being written), as reported by Bangkok Post. All this is to say that there were a lot of politics in Thailand happening around the time of Only Friends.

For those willing to observe Jane Austen's "fine brush strokes" that she uses to offer portraits of romance, you'll find observations that would've otherwise been censored on slavery, the military, estate law, and most obviously, marriage law and female citizenship. Thai BL series don't have to be as explicit as Not Me to comment on political affairs. In fact, because of the political situation some of their commentaries require a deft touch like the one we see in Only Friends. I don't want to say exactly how I think Only Friends interprets the political situation it hints at here. Hopefully you can at least see that this idea of improvement, inclusion, and exile is as tied to the concept of friendship on Only Friends as it is to Thai politics. I only want to recommend that you watch for how QLs address class, political actors, geopolitics, and condemnation more broadly because to my eyes, they are doing some of the most subtle but radical commentary happening in any contemporary media, which I won't say makes them better or worse, but goddamn does it make them interesting.

[litmot-archived]

Also lookie Saku is really taking his breaks Very proud of that goat gremlin Creative peeps like you tend to overwork yourself like those japanese manga writers You guys are so good at what you do You're a writer do you know what puts people in that state?

When I was new to his Discord server people would tell me how often he would get sick or how often he would take long breaks and it made me so sad like he's baby he doesn't deserve to be stressed sad or what

Like he's so cute I like watching his old stuff stuff too the way he started so shy and now he's not holding his laughter His inability to speak straight English sometimes he hiccups for some reason his rich guy laugh you know ha ha ha ha with the mouth closed that's lowkey He's so open he makes sure his crumpies are loved He acknowledges everything even when it interrupts what he was saying Hes a good listener with his streaming friends

I hope he continues to be okay 😫💔

You mean what pushes people to overwork themselves? 

Well, based on my experience it is the need to always be productive. I suppose on a career path such as Saku's there is really no limit of how much he can work and there is also no place where he couldn't.

I find it hard to detach myself from my studies and sometimes even from my writing because part of me thinks I always need to be productive. It is made worse by the fact that there is no place you can escape from it.

Working as a waiter has been an interesting experience for me for a few reasons. First, it of course the physical labor, which, granted, extended to carrying (surprisingly heavy) plates and some other things, but it was still totally different from the work I was used to -- but secondly, after the shift was done, that was it. The workday was over, and there was no possibility to do more.

This type of cut is a lot harder to do while working in more creative fields, and I think this inability to disconnect and shut down the part of your brain that always tells you to be productive and work some more -- and the constant stress this puts you under --- is part of the reason why burnouts, sadly, are so common.

I'm glad Saku is taking time off and has hopefully found a work schedule that works better for him. Limiting working on audios to only weekdays and graduating some of the characters were good choices in my opinion, and I hope his (mental) health continues to improve. 

I'm also looking forward to his streams when he decides to pick them up again. It's always heartwarming seeing him interact with the Crumpets and it's fun hanging out with you guys, even if I'm always lurking in the shadows. 

[coyotegirl-bonsai-garden]

Growing & Cultivating Hydroponic Bonsai From Seed in the Southwestern US

Update 10

Previous update here

Disclaimer: Bonsai is an art form originating in China but largely introduced to the wider world by Japan. I haven't done scholarly reading about the history of the art form so I don't know if it's sacred to any cultures within Japan or China. This world has a long history of violent colonialism and, in the context of Euro-American history, cultural appropriation and romanticization/mystification of Eastern Asian cultures. Asian people and cultures are treated as mysterious and strange and something to be ogled at. I am not trying to participate in Orientalism, I am not trying to take something that's not mine and act like it's magical because of where and who it came from. If I am failing in this regard, if the way I'm approaching this art form is appropriative and racist, I want to know so I can change and improve my behavior.

Meta Commentary: I'm sticking with the weekly update schedule, I just wasn't having a great time last weekend. Sorry.

Where did we leave off? Last update was 12 Jan '25

DW: One had died but the other 3 seemed ok. I also gathered some more seeds. 3 live plants and a lot of seeds.

NIP: doing good, nothing to say about it. 1 live plant.

OE: In the open air with the roots insulated. Seemed to be recovering? Wasn't sure the best way to water them given the lack of drainage. 2 live plants.

IE: doing good despite common wisdom saying it should be outdoors. 1 live plant.

TBS: just sitting there. No idea if they're alive. Maybe they're growing roots, maybe they're dead.

Overall: I started using fungicide in the PKPs.

What have I done and what's happened since? / The current state of affairs and things I've learned:

DW: I planted one of the seeds; I'm gonna try to keep 4 alive at a time. Still hasn't sprouted. I also realized it's been a while since I saw signs of growth from the living plants, but they're still green and soft, not crunchy or otherwise dead-looking. I think they're in a sort of stasis? Not sure. 3 live plants, 1 seed that might sprout, a lot of unplanted seeds.

NIP: this thing is almost boring in its refusal to do anything but thrive. But. It's alive so I'm doing something right; I'm not complaining. It's not a pet, it's not gonna do anything crazy, it's a tropical conifer tree in a pot, it's just gonna sit there. 1 live plant.

OE: they got crunchy again, so I put pickle jars over them. I was worried about the lack of air flow so I replaced the pickle jars with semi-transparent ice cream tubs instead. I'm just dripping a little bit of water into the styrofoam cooler; hopefully I'm not overdoing it (or underdoing it). They're turning brown but they're no longer crunchy; Idk what to think. 2 live plants maybe?

IE: still inexplicably doing good despite not being in the cold the way it'll have to be next year. I'm keeping it inside; if it's stupid but it works, it's not stupid.

TBS: Are they propagating? No idea. Actually hang on a sec I'm gonna look something up. Hell, I still don't know for sure. Maybe they needed red light in addition to the blue light I've been using? Soil might be too moist? If they're gonna grow roots, they've done it by now but I still won't know for sure until it's been like 6 weeks; they should have new leaves by then.

Arizona Cypress: the seeds have been cold stratifying for almost 90 days; it's almost time to plant them. I'm not sure where to plant them, though, because there's no room on the plant shelf but planting them outdoors right now will just kill them because it's too cold. Eugh. Might need to make another shelf, might need to buy another light.

Piñon (Pinus edulis): I got some seeds and they're cold stratifying now. I'm going to plant them in three batches, the first at 30 days of cold stratifying, the 2nd at 60, the last at 90.

Overall: if this mold is poisonous to indoor plants, I'm not gonna be able to grow indoor plants and that's all there is to it. I'm stopping fungicide use when I run out of the current batch of diluted fungicide.

To-do:

Maintain current routine

Figure out what I'm doing with these AZC seeds, then do it.

[doverjazzghost]

It is once again the New Year's post.

At this point, I mostly do these for myself to keep track of what I intended to do year to year. 2024 was a really big mixed bag. Some absolutely amazing things happened and some really bad things happened: Amazing things: -gf and I got engaged!!! I feel so happy and lucky and I can't wait to marry my wife and eat tiny sandwiches :+) -One of my orchestral arrangements got accepted for Magfest! I have been trying for a few years and it's super cool one of mine got picked, especially seeing how skilled the other arrangers are. I also had 2 other arrangements performed and I've kept up with singing. -I got a new job! It's at a cool science place that objectively makes the world better! I have good healthcare and I get paid well and my commute is less than 10 minutes. Everyone there is nice!

-gf and I travelled to Canada! We drove there and nothing bad happened! I felt like such a competent adult! I also got to see a full eclipse in real life and that's been a dream for a long time. Really bad things: -I got covid again :( while it wasn't as bad as the first time (I didn't go to the hospital) it was still Not Good and honestly, my brain has felt like mush since then -My dad got diagnosed with cancer. I am pretty much estranged from my parents, so not only did I have to deal with my dad's mortality, I also had to deal with a lot of the unresolved feelings and issues I have with my parents. I just feel too Young to have something like that happen to me. Like, I know my parents are going to die, but I always thought a smarter, older, more competent version of myself was going to deal with it. Not the clown-ass current version of myself. My dad got through chemo ok. He's not officially cancer free yet, but things look as promising as they can be right now. The goals from the 2024 post:

Still try to reach out to people more both talking and hanging out!

sort of? We did host people at our house a couple of times, but I do want to be more of an instigator when it comes to seeing people. I did invite people to A Birthday Thing last year tho which is kind of big for me lol.

Use my phone less (especially watching less short form video lol). I have already been working on this but I want to commit harder.

Also sort of. I did a pretty good job at the beginning of 2024 and then backslid a little bit. I put some babylocks on instagram, facebook, and reddit like 3 months ago that has helped cut down some, but I wish I locked in more on this.

Work out more consistently. The really good headache medicine gives me a little fatigue which has made working out harder.

Sort of again. I don't feel the fatigue as much anymore (did it go away? did I get used to it?). I joined a gym in June and I was working out 5 days a week. I ended up scaling it back to 3 days a week, but it's been spotty for the last month with holiday stuff. I hope to get back on track though when my schedule stabilizes.

Push myself to learn new techniques re: art, cosplay, music

I think so? I am still doing voice lessons and have been learning a lot of technique there. I also 3D printed a lot for my Shadowheart cosplay so I did a lot of 3D printing and finishing techniques. I also picked up tenor and soprano sax and have been learning altissimo on those. I have also been really pushed to finish my arrangements with better quality, so I feel like I've improved a lot there.

Get a new job. Things Have Changed at my current job and I’m just not feeling it anymore.

Definitively yes, lol. Good team, good pay, dream company to work for. The goals for 2025: -Get married and have a nice good day!!! -really intentionally choose how to spend my free time. My brain feels melted from just rotting On The Phone so I want to fill that dead time with reading or games or shows that I pick intentionally. -Actually book our trip to Japan instead of just talking about it. -Continue to work out. Hopefully see some changes in body comp. -Get a PCP and Dentist. Visit the PCP, Dentist and Eye Doctor. -Host more and casually hang out with people more. Be the hand that reaches out instead of waiting to be reached out to

-Perform on solo voice in some capacity (even if it's just karaoke)

Bonus objectives: -Make my wife take me to Lego Land -Eat at least 52 Italian sandwiches

That is the post! Happy new bear!! ฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅ

[grimvestige]

2024 Summary of Art! Once again I have to break the format and do a video since I put animation in mine!

I have lots of rambly self-reflection that I'll put under the cut.

And so, another year down! It's been a weird year for my art! I thought I had my cel-shading style down, then got a bit sick of it and refined my painting style more...and then...well, started cel-shading things with my painting tools. What a weird time.

I also did a lot more animation this year! (There's a piece I did in November I can't show yet that is my most finished piece of animation yet). I'd like to hopefully do more in 2025, though I don't have any bigger animation projects in mind. I think it's just something that I'll have to stick to doing when I have an idea.

Back on the topic of reflecting on this year's progress on my art, once again, I struggle to see where I've improved. It's an age old demon I've been battling with my art. But, I know that's my brain's impulses talking ("If I haven't become a master of my craft yesterday then I haven't done enough".), so I am stating here and now: My painting improved a LOT this year, and those bad impulses in my brain can shove off.

I also definitely struggled with burnout, and had a bunch of stressful personal stuff come up this year. Lots of grieving the ends of things: friendships, family connections, loved ones passing, political upheaval, just all that sort of thing. However, I feel like I've also done a lot of internal growth this year, and that's made it easier to make art when I'm struggling. And, a lot of that struggling also ended up pushing me closer to friends, which I'm insanely grateful for. (Some of you are patrons, you know who you are, y'all made this year fun and bearable when everything felt like it was on fire.)

All that stuff said, ideally no one would ever be in the position where their capacity to create art is so deeply intertwined with their livelihood, but...gestures vaguely at capitalism. (Shanspeare made a nice video essay about that, it's about video essays but I think it applies to other mediums too) Hell, I think I made a damn good piece in October when I was explicitly busy as hell haunting as side work to make a bit of consistent income outside Patreon. It's something I'm wrangling with as an artist - how do I make work that I love while still being true and being able to exist comfortably without burning myself out?

Talking about that burnout, that's exactly why my masterpiece of the year is that piece of Maximillian. I was not inspired to create until I acknowledged that burnout and once I did see it with eyes unclouded, I was able to create with inspiration again. That piece made the masterpiece of the year because it laid the foundation for so many things I took into my painting process, it was me overcoming what felt like a plateau as an artist.

Once again, I'm here at the end of the year, feeling that burnout. I have another week off scheduled for the end of January, so at the moment I'm trying to make it to that. I'm not sure if I'll be doing a commissions sale in January yet, but if they're open at all on VGen it'll probably be fairly limited slots. But that's that wrangling between inspiration and survival to deal with later.

It's been a weird year. Unfortunately, not all in great ways. But, good in the ways that matter. So, hopefully 2025 will be another weird year in all the good ways! I'm hoping to experiment more too, I've been cooking some ideas behind the scenes for getting into making videos more often so...you can expect to see that in 2025! I'm not going to tie it into Patreon yet as like, I don't know how committed I am, but it's just going to be another medium I'm making stuff in that y'all get to see early.

[w0lfinsheepscl0thing]

Writing Update #1 - 🜃

So! This has been on the back burner a while. I want to start post little logs whenever I can to keep myself accountable, and to kinda show a realistic way of writing. I, personally, struggle with perfectionism and have to force myself to work on things even if they're fun hobbies, so maybe this will reach someone who has the same experiences. We can procrastinate and scrutinize sentences together!

If I stick with this, this is just updates for my 1899 fic(s). Other stories will get their own thing. So, without further ado, here's log one:

So, I've been pretty much dead for a while! I've just been busy, mainly with trips, studies, acting, putting things off, and I haven't made any time to really enjoy 1899 or write. And by writing, I mean with my project that includes all the backstories as well as season 2-3... I'm starting to see how I got overwhelmed and put it off. I have other ideas for fics, too, but my mindset has been to keep working on the "1898" project till it's perfect and done, which is basically impossible. There's no way to make a continuation of a show that wasn't even done laying out all the clues perfect, not even the backstories that are at least partly explored! SO, I've got to let go of that. Which is not easy, but no one is expecting perfect, anyway.

Now, I don't think I'm even in a place to continue working on this thing. I'm in the middle of Twelfth Night, am trying to read 4 books, I may be writing and directing my own mini show, and I'm behind in classes. That schedule, while I'm incredibly grateful for it, is not ready to see the amount of time I want to spend on this project. I'm stuck on some parts (probably because I thought it would be a good idea to spread all my notes across multiple note apps), so until I figure out some big things, I'm not personally ready to "just write".

So... I want to post more writing, and it'll help me improve, so I'm resorting to just prompts for now. Whether it be writing a random scene from each episode for a week or just putting characters through every emotion just to see how they think, it's practice. And, it's closer to this "perfection" that isn't achievable, but I can get closer to. It's also stuff to put out there, and maybe I'll get the courage to work on this other mini series I want to do!

All in all, I'm probably going to stick to practicing for a while and working on pantsing, which is surprisingly difficult, but I'll try to update those interested on here. The more exciting stuff related to 1898 will come in the future, I just didn't want to put this off until then. Maybe it'll undergo big changes by then, because after all, my end goal is definitely... ambitious, to say the least.

If you have any projects you've been neglecting as well, I'd love to hear about them! Keep going; it'll be worth it in the end! Anywho, thanks for reading this rant and I'll hopefully come back after writing a scene. :)