#and it takes even longer for me to recover physically/socially

[gunkbaby]

Thinking about Shuu BPD headcanon again. He’s 21 in TG, and given his loneliness I think it’s fair to assume Kaneki was his first favourite person. Like I acted very similar to Shuu when I had my first favourite person - including when the ‘relationship’ (i wouldn’t call what i went through a relationship personally. It was an internet mutual lol) ended, it went on to affect me for several years, to today, mentally and physically.

I get sad when I think about it, because I don’t like thinking about Shuu going through or feeling what I have - that horrible moment where you look back on your experience with someone, and you can only feel guilt, because you can see now that all you acted so inappropriately. Being overly clingy - dependent - on someone you barely know - because Shuu doesn’t know Kaneki in TG. Not deeply. He’s still in the moment of only wanting to eat him, everything he learns is compartmentalised as knowledge to use as manipulation and such. So his breakdown when Kaneki is taken away from him is a shock to his system - because this is the point where maybe one realises that this is not just about wanting him to eat anymore. It’s indicative of Shuu feeling something more for someone, which he’s probably never had before, and one can imagine how it might feel to realise - oh. I really fucked this person I adore up, because I didn’t understand myself well enough. And that shit hurts man.

Whilst a neurotypical person might be able to look at this realisation and handle it better, for someone with BPD/neurodivergence, this can affect one’s mental and physical health for years afterwards. A known symptom of BPD is not being able to recover ‘typically’ from breakups (meeeeeeeeeeeeee), often leading to self-harm, depression, and such, as well as taking a much longer time to actually recover from the breakup (generally. Ofc not everyone has it like this).

This also explains why in :RE, Shuu is seemingly just as obsessed with Kaneki - because he can’t fucking let go of it. He goes out of his way to ‘get Kaneki back’ for his own benefit, and I wonder if maybe, Shuu wants that Kaneki back so he can right his past wrongs. His newer awareness of his past actions weighs on him, and he wants to show that version of Kaneki that he has changed, that he’s not like That anymore - but he is, in a way. He’s still ill, and this is never brought up. Shuu gets better throughout :re, but we never see how, and either man’s on Elvanse or something, or he’s actively making an effort to restrain the ‘BPD side’ of him. I compare having BPD to having a dog on a muzzle - controlling it is horrible and it’s difficult, but if you don’t, the muzzle comes off and your dog is going to maul someone. Having BPD can be really terrifying sometimes - note: people with BPD are not monsters and if I see one more person say Shuu’s feelings are ‘creepy’ istg—

In early :re, Shuu’s actions can be viewed an overcompensating - trying to fix the damage he feels he might’ve done to Kaneki. He wants Kaneki back for himself, but not to eat him, to show Kaneki that he’s not the person he was. That he’s changed - but he hasn’t. He’s become self-aware, but this isn’t enough to change someone. Shuu still doesn’t understand that. He’s like a beautiful butterfly in that stage where the chrysalis is clear and starting to shake, but the butterfly isn’t out yet, and when it is out, it still has to wait for its wings to dry. Shuu is impulsive, and fails to properly think things out especially in a social situation (another symptom of bpd is impulsivity, particularly in regards to self-destruction). So he’s bombastic in rushing in and trying to get that Kaneki back, even if he doesn’t exist, and we can argue that this brazenness, this impulsivity, goes on to foster more destruction.

Therefore, it becomes even more weird that Shuu seems to recover after Kanae’s death in particular, because I feel like Shuu was already grappling with some guilt in regards to his past self. Kaneki throwing Shuu from the rooftop is met with Shuu’s acceptance of it - it’s a passive kind of suicidality. What better repentance is there - what is the best way to say sorry - than letting the person you hurt kill you? I know I’ve attempted or hurt myself in attempt to repent and say sorry for the people I’ve hurt, (I even became Christian, briefly!) But Shuu isn’t killed. Kanae is, and directly because they save him. Shuu’s love for Kanae is evident by this point, so one has to question how someone who already seemed to be passively suicidal, who presumably held a quite a hefty amount of self-loathing - would be able to recover from someone they love dying specifically to save them. Shuu tells Kanae to save themself (in my translation), he seemed passive in the prospect of Kaneki killing him, so this turn of events should be absolutely fucking devastating to him.

His entire family, bar one person, were killed to protect him. People gave up their lives, for him - a person who was extremely mentally unwell. Shuu is egotistical, arrogant, and selfish, but too often I see people conflate this with narcissism or self-love - narcissists don’t even tend to love themselves, it seems the opposite (I am not well-versed in npd pls correct me). I don’t think Shuu likes himself, particularly in :re. I’m honestly surprised he survived through :re sometimes, because I feel like the events of the Tsukiyama extermination would eventually kill someone who was already mentally unstable.

But after the Tsukiyama arc, there is very little acknowledgement of Shuu’s mental state. It’s like, oh, he’s fine now. Kanae isn’t even mentioned again, (I think), and it’s really weird. One can argue Shuu is just pretending to be fine, maybe Kaneki being back is enough to shift his focus from those events back to his favourite person - but that’s not mentally healthy. That’s not recovery. You can argue that maybe he learnt to cope, did DBT or whatever, but I doubt he would’ve had time for that in :re? Iirc it was kind of busy, I mean…Man got fired from like 4 jobs after losing his family - self-worth must’ve been in the shitter fr

Shuu is supposedly better by :re and the end of :re, but I can’t fucking buy that. Maybe I’m projecting too much, but I still haven’t recovered from my favourite person and it’ been three fucking years, and I have a parent who is willing to literally die for me, and it feels like shit. These things don’t just go away. They condense, and they stay. It’s like the dog won’t die unless you do, and even then, the pain stays.

I’m off track - the point is. I don’t like it. I get narrative time and that - Shuu isn’t the main character, but still. TG has so much depth and nuance in its characters and I wish more work had been put into Shuu post-Tsukiyama arc. (I also wish Kanae hadn’t died but fuck my stupid Baka life i guess)

I can’t help but feel like Shuu was ill at the start of Tokyo Ghoul, got even iller. And by the end of :re, he’s still very much ill.

sorry if this doesn’t make sense I cried halfway through and im tired

[thedivineart]

PICK A CARD: 10 THINGS ABOUT YOUR FEBRUARY.

꒰⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⌷ .⠀⠀d i s c l a i m e r⠀⠀✿𝆬

[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉 ✧ ] any events and other things in your life are cannot be accurately predict by me and the tarot cards, do take a note that we are 'still' the creator of our 'future'- what you 'do' now will be the outcome of your future life and this could be either a good or bad, if your doing good and you are good to others expect the bright future ahead but in reverse you might expect the worst.

[ ℰ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] to pick a pile, firstly take a good deep breath, second focus on every pile in the photo provided below { pile one, pile two, pile three }, and lastly scroll more down to reveal your reading. if you cannot still pick up any of the pile, do remember the sequence of what is written in the first sentence.

[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉ℯ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] grammatical errors ahead, if you're a perfectionist then leave this pac. I do write with so many flaws and I know it's not perfect since my first language isn't english.

-` 𝑇𝐻𝐸𝐷𝐼𝑉𝐼𝑁𝐸𝐴𝑅𝑇 ´- ✰︵ — m a s t e r l i s t ´-

: ･. ﾟ ✧. : ･. ☽˚｡ ･ﾟ ✧: ･. :.

𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗣𝗢𝗦𝗧 𝗜𝗡 𝗜𝗡𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗠 @𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘁𝘁

PILE ONE

• shock from something either a situation or a news

• honor or recognition from your labor ( work and study )

• death of someone or a major change; new beginning. for some, this could be an important decision that will brings change or worries and anxiety might be present too

• a news related to finances, either financial help or a loan.

• you will cut something or someone to your life, anger, loss and loneliness. seperation accompanied by pain.

• success from bussiness and love or moving away from local area or home environment to city life.

• changes in business or social situation and happy times

• letting go and releasing what is no longer serves you, moving and parting way. for some, loss by theft and will recover after difficulty.

• desires will be fulfilled; a wealth or inheritance from something or someone and a voyage specially using ships.

• a successful speculations.

PILE TWO

• loss and unhappy surprise or unexpected trouble

• change of residence for the better and could be later or sooner, a opportunity to redo something

• be careful when it comes for your health. A trip that usually over the water.

• success in business and love or signs about a successful speculations

• receiving or giving small sum of money. for some financial growth.

• desired opportunities or fulfilling your dreams. moon symbol is fortunate in your side.

• long distance journey. a gift, either materialism or time of someone, a helpful advice and a bit good news.

• do not trust someone, even though it's your family or friends, in next month possibly someone may betray you.

• a conflict, disagreement, betrayal that from a home or family.

PILE THREE

• gatherings with cheerful and gaiety moment.

• if your in relationship: marriage and rich is it or if not and single sensitive moments will may arrive

• shock from something or someone either it is bad or good

• being in a relationship if single. a return of ex-lover or broken friendship. A party and having fun. sexual contact or physical union.

• the discovery of a mystery from what affects you in this month (January).

• a new beginning or start of new phase of life. Marriage or engagement might be it is for some.

• wish fulfilment or desires being fulfill. for some, a wealth from inheritance or trade.

• financial achievement or improvement. lucky wins or lucky money.

• flattery of someone to you or having mutual feelings to someone.

• if single, fulfilment of highest aims or if not a rival in love.

[ 🪷. ] Hello! Thank You so much for checking out this pac reading, if you ever like it please do follow and reblog for more pac. Let me know what you feel by commenting down below...

© thedivineart — do not plagiarize any of my work, translate or repost it on other social media platform , do remember that this is only my official account where all my pac are posted, if you ever see something like mine from word by word kindly report it to me, thank you<3. theme is included.

[mxelliott]

maybe i’m just in a weird mood but i can’t stop thinking about how disabled people are a lot like superheroes. not in the way you’re probably thinking of, though. let me explain.

i fucking love spider-man, and iron man, and i’m an absolute nerd when it comes to shit like odd biology or psychology with characters like them. i’ve seen my fair share of movies and read enough books, wikis, and fics to feel close to the characters, and i can say for certain if we’re looking at a lot of them scientifically, it’s not far off to say that most superheroes can be categorized by either having an impairing mental illness or disability that heavily effects their day to day lives.

i’ll be using several Marvel characters as examples, since i’m most comfortable/knowledgeable about them.

we can start with the most obvious people, such as Colonel Rhodes, Clint Barton, Sargent Barnes, and Stephen Strange, who are paralyzed, hard of hearing, an amputee, and have nerve damage/severe hand tremors respectively. our next biggest candidates are Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Steven Rogers, Natalia Romanoff, and Bruce Banner/Hulk. in the odd category we have Thor, Wanda & Pietro Maximoff, Loki, and Vision.

Rhodes, Barton, Barnes, and Strange don’t need much of an explanation. they each either were caught in an accident, on the job, captured/experimented on, or a mixture of one or more. they got help of varying degrees for themselves to heal and recover to continue living.

Rhodes won’t ever not be paralyzed from the waist down. Barton will never get his hearing back. Barnes can’t regrow his arm. Strange may be able to use magic to help his tremors, but he chose not to. he will never be able to take back the events leading to his accident.

Stark, Bruce, and Rogers need a bit more of an explanation, but not by much of a wide margin. Stark has heart issues thanks to the shrapnel and the Arc Reactors. Bruce will never be able to go back to before the accident that turned him into the Hulk. He can be one or the other, but his brain and body are no longer his own. Rogers went from being in a constant state of sickness and disability to being “cured” and ultimately turned into something inhuman and weird beyond humanity’s own natural abilities.

piggybacking off that, Natalia was trained in brutal conditions to do inhuman stunts. she’s permanently traumatized and most likely won’t ever recover to being “normal” or “average” in the eyes of society.

disregarding the blatant oddness of Thor, Loki, Vision (a literal humanoid AI), and the slightly unexplainable whatever that went down with the Maximoffs (and because they are also semi-self explanatory in their own way, being enhanced) we’re going to move on to Peter Parker.

Peter is a bit of a wild card in this to me, both because he has three movie incarnations across three franchises respectively, but also because unlike the other superheroes, he’s not an old adult just yet. he’s what i see as the real kicker here.

trauma out the ass after losing his parents, his uncle, his aunt (NWH), and being erased from the universe (NWH), he is severely at risk for or has had some version of depression, anxiety, and suicide. top that all off with getting hollywood-hand wavey spider radiation poisoning and changing on a base level (his dna), he’s about as fucked as Rogers, Barnes, and Stark, or more so.

this is already long as shit and you’re probably wondering “i know all this, its not news. what does this have to do with your average disabled person?”. let me tell you.

none of these characters will ever/have ever been your version of socially acceptable or normal in almost any modern age. i’m willing to bet that even with my limited knowledge on psychological and physical disabilities, if any of you fucknut bitchfishs saw these characters outside the movies in real life as normal, every day civilians, you’d probably either act disgusted over their existence or disregard them entirely as if they never existed in the first place.

it probably took months of stress and depression and hard work with no real end in sight for any of these characters to get better at what the world thinks would be an acceptable level. they may have saved the world or they may have only been a small part of something, but that’s the goddamn point here. it doesn’t matter how it happened or if they were born with it, it just is, and apparently that’s much too hard for people to grasp these days.

Rhodey owns a wheelchair. Barnes goes without his arm some days. Rogers (as far as anyone knows) is basically a human-turned alien; abnormal. Strange can’t properly write his signature like he used to. Barton takes off his hearing aids when he pleases and uses ASL. Peter is a teenager with crippling PTSD and some unfulfilled physical needs, living on the lower end of financial security while still developing and trying to maintain his metabolism.

it’s already past midnight while i’m writing this and all i can think of is the fact we parade around disabled and ill people on the big screens as heroes and role models, yet i’ve never seen our world grow to accommodate people like them. instead we cut off or significantly reduce the positive impacts of the barely even mediocre safety nets the government has in place to assist them.

i’m not saying people with disabilities are superheroes, but i am saying superheroes are people with disabilities and often severe illnesses of many varieties.

you don’t value them as people, only idols. you’re the problem clownpiss. fuck yourself.

[madhatterbri]

Break Up In A Small Town | Hangman A.P.

Summary: Hangman deals with a break up in a small town.

Author's Note: I miss his ass, bro. 😂 @theworldofotps inadvertently did this to you all by reminding me of Sam Hunt.

Taglist: @plentyoffandoms

Pure fiction

Y/N stared back at Adam in disbelief. The words that hung in the air between them. He didn't try to take them back. Just took a sip from his drink and continued to watch the game. Was she that unimportant to him? She couldn't ever forgive him for this. No man was worth feeling like you didn't matter. Not now, not ever. She gathered her keys from the kitchen counter and walked out the door one last time.

The Hangman knew he would eventually see Y/N around. They ran with the same group of people. Friends would throw parties and have them come at separate times to avoid any drama. His light blue eyes would still see her, though. She'd walk through the lawn, laughing with friends.

Even on the road, he would inadvertently see her. Her head bopping up and down to whatever pop music she was listening to. On some occasions, she would talk on the phone to her parents or friends. The phone calls to each other while driving used to be their thing.

Her heads turned towards him. Adam could feel her watching him while he looked forward. After recovering from the shock of seeing him, she would roll up her window. The tints now hid her appearance from him.

While doing the same mundane things, he remembered all the things they used to do together. Pumping gas at one of the few gas stations, shop at the same stores, everything. Now, they were just a solo act. Or so he thought.

He was scrolling through pictures on social media and saw them together. Their bodies pressed together. His hand rested a little lower than Adam would like. Her arms wrapped around Adam's friend's neck.

Adam wasn't stupid. He knew that she would move on, but he just didn't think it would be one of his friends. Granted, this was a pretty small town, and he had quite a few people to call friends. He asked his buddies about the new romance. They would just give him the run around. He wasn't sure if they were trying to protect him or them.

His eyes didn't deceive him, though. They were constantly wherever he seemed to be. The new couple still enjoyed holding hands or displaying PDA. It made him sick. That was supposed to be them.

Adam pulled in his driveway and banged his hands in frustration on the wheel. He cursed and turned his head to the side. Her tire marks still lingered in his yard from all the times she would visit him. Now she was leaving the same marks in his friend's yard.

He got out of the car and walked towards his door. As if on schedule, her car slowly passed his house. She was always so careful when driving down neighborhoods to not hit anyone. His heart skipped a beat at the thought that she would visit him. Yet her car kept going towards his friend's house that lived down the road.

Another day, Adam picked up some mail from the post office. He sat in his truck and saw them together. Y/N and his friend were having a little lunch date together. He couldn't turn his head away.

Adam wanted to fight. He wasn't sure if it was to physically fight his friend or fight for the woman that he let walk out of his life without a care. He was so stupid back then. This was all his fault.

The Hangman started his truck and took off. No good would come around if he waited any longer. He lived in a small town his whole life. He should have known this would happen. Either move or move on when you break up in a small town.

[fandom-go-round]

Recovering Together: Reader x Heartslabyal

The last two weeks had been rough to say the least. 8 hours days turned into 12, 16 and even more if you weren’t careful. It was draining; physically, emotionally, socially. You’re sure you would have Overblotted if magic was an option. It hurts more because it’s been so long without seeing your partner. Now, finally, you have a moment to breathe and they’re determined to show you how much they’ve missed you.

Small snippets of the boys taking care of you when it’s hard to take care of yourself.

Warnings: Trauma (Emotional), Physically Exhaustion, Self-Doubt, Implied Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (Reader, Cater), Crying, Comfort, Intense Emotions, Talk of Puking, Overworked Reader, Eating Issues, Implied Negative Self Body Issues, Fighting (Deuce)

Riddle:

           It takes longer than you’d like to admit to go see Riddle. He had been asking you to come visit and you’re paralyzed between hiding under a table and running into his arms.

           You know that Riddle isn’t going to blame you; he’s half of the reason you had finally been released from your prison. You know your grades have slipped and your uniforms are wrinkled. You also know it’s not fair to put him into the ‘strictest person on earth’ box. He cares about you and that care is about every part of your life. The issue is that you’re tired and just want to relax.

           You agree to come over and have a study date, even if the thought of looking at a textbook has you wanting to puke. You could tell he was upset you were avoiding him and you want to talk to him in person. It wasn’t fair to him to lie.

           Riddle opened the door to his room before you finished knocking and you smiled. He was dressed more casually than normal, no jacket or bowtie but his shirt was still tucked in and buttoned up. You didn’t resist the urge to kiss his cheek as you walked in, taking in his room. It was perfectly tidy as always and you felt some of the tension leaving you.

           “How are you?” Riddle asked and you turned to him, the smile on your face falling a little. His eyes were bright, happy to see you but the rest of his face was tight, like he thought you were going to strike him. You frowned, Riddle taking in the dark circles on your face and your lack of energy.

           “I’m tired. I’m sorry Riddle, I didn’t mean to avoid you. I just, I…” You trailed off, giving a sigh before shaking your head. Communication is important and you’re not going to skip it, even if you really, really want to. “I’ve been exhausted lately and I know that I’m slipping. I don’t want you to think less of me so I was kind of avoiding you. I’m sorry.”

           Riddle relaxed as you gave your explanation, giving a slow nod of his head. Lots of different emotions flickered over his face and you let him think, not wanting him to speak until he was ready. He gestured you over to your normal study table and you walked over, pausing when you saw what was on it.

           Instead of the normal pile of books and paper, one of Heartslabyal’s teas sets has been laid out, a plate of sweets and finger sandwiches as well. A quick glance showed that there were no textbooks in sight and hope swelled in your chest. You startled as Riddle walked up behind you and began to help you out of your jacket.

           “Thank you for being honest with me. I have noticed that your grades are starting to slip but that’s not because of you.” Riddle was calm as he moved to pull your chair out, giving you a gentle smile as you sat. “You’ve been working hard and I wanted to show my appreciation.”

           “I didn’t know how to tell you that I just wanted to spend time with you and not study.” You were embarrassed to admit it, looking over Riddle’s shoulder. He surprised you by giving you a smirk and reaching out for you head. He raised it to his mouth and gave a gentle kiss, holding your gaze confidently.

           “Just like that. I will let no one come between us.” You grinned back to him, face hot. You would trust him at his word; no one would get between you.

Trey:

          The idea of eating sweets makes you sick. It’s a horrible place to be and with your sweet tooth, you’d never thought that you’d hit this point. It’s only after days of being offered sweets instead of payment and eating your feelings that you can 100% say you have no desire for anything with sugar.

           You don’t have the heart to tell Try as you walk into Heartslabyal’s kitchen. He’s so focused on cooking he doesn’t hear you walk in. Your content to watch him and know that whatever he makes, you’ll eat. Eventually he turns around and gives you a gentle smile. You know he can see the exhaustion on your face but all he does is wave you over.

           “Prefect timing, I just finished up.” You wince internally but walk over; you’ve missed Trey so much you can stomach any sweet for him.

           “What is it?” You ask as he turns around to get a bowl. It’s only now, standing so close to the stove, that you realize you don’t smell sweetness. You smell something hearty and savory and your heart clenches.

           “Pot roast.” There’s a half smirk on his face as he speaks and then sets a bowl in front of you. Your face lights up and he chuckles, sliding a spoon into your hand. “I can’t guarantee it’ll be good but I wanted you to have something home cooked.”

           “Thank you Trey.” You ignore how close you sound to crying and take a bite. His hand on your shoulder is grounding and you lean into the closeness. It tastes perfect; the potatoes are soft and it’s warm and filling. The bite settles into your stomach like a weighted blanket.

           “It’s delicious.” You say, smiling and leaning back to look at him, ignoring the tears running down your face. Trey makes a surprised sound and leans down to kiss your forehead, his voice soft.

           “I’m glad. You deserve it.”

Cater:

           Normally, it’s easy to figure out where your partner is. He’s a huge social media person and if you’re not in the photos, Cater is tagging you. It’s been hard to keep up with everything going on and you’re so busy trying to keep your head above water it takes a few days to realize you aren’t being tagged.

           It hurts, even though logically you know Cater is trying to let you rest. The two of you still text constantly and he tells you all about his day. You’ve even done video calls way too late at night. It’s only Magicam that’s stopped.

           Cater immediately proposed that the two of you get together after your horror weeks. He had never asked to hang out while you were busy and you did your best to push the ache down. He’s charming and bubbly as always when you finally see him, kissing your cheek as you walk into the rose garden.

           Your bruised emotions are soothed when you see the tea party all laid out. Cater has a very keen aesthetic eye and you always feel special when he pulls out all the stops for you. It’s easy to fall into conversation and it’s one of the reasons the two of you get along so well. You don’t notice until it’s been over an hour but Cater hasn’t once reached for his phone. As happy as you are to have his full attention, it is a mystery.

           “Aren’t you going to post this on Magicam?” Your question is innocent enough but Cater still freezes like you’ve caught him red handed.

           “Ah, I should have known that you would notice out of everyone.” He laughs and scratches the back of his head, cheeks dusting pink. “I wanted it to be just us for a bit.” You smiled back at him, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

           “I missed you.” You’re smiled turned a little wry as you looked him over. “You stopped tagging me so I thought something had happened.”

           “I didn’t want to bother you!” Cater was quick to jump in. He reached for his phone and the paused, looking at you. “Do you want to see?”

           “Of course!” Cater beamed at your words and you scooted your chair closer to his. “I feel like I’ve been living under a rock, catch me up on what’s been going on.” He doesn’t need any more encouragement than that. Cater quickly begins to recount the news you had been missing, everything from politics to brands, even some sports.

           Your heart feels like it was going to beat out of your chest when you saw the folder marked with your name. He begins to flip through it, showing you everything he had saved specifically for you. You lean your head on his shoulder, happy to let him keep talking. Later, you would tell him that you would visit him every day if you could and it was worth it to see him at a loss words for once.

Ace:

           Ace had been attached to your hip all day and there was no way you would complain. Technically you had to work tonight but the extra hours of sleep in the morning (yay more than four!) made you feel human enough to invite your partner over. He was knocking on the door before you were even ready, insisting that you stay in Ramshakle and have a day in. You were too tired to argue and snuggling sounded like a better idea then going out anyway.

           He made a comment about how tied you looked but left it at that, very tame for how Ace usually was. He also came with snacks and treats, something you only realized after he got there. The days of work had made it difficult to find the time to go shopping.

           Ace had strong armed you into letting him buy dinner, another surprise to add to the pile. He didn’t make a big deal about it but you had watched his eyes scan your empty cupboards as he said it. Now, warm and full of good food, you were chatting and trying your best to ignore work creeping back up.

           “You ok?” You startled at Ace’s question, taking a moment to realize that he had stopped talking. You gave a sheepish smile, leaning into him.

           “I’m ok, sorry for spacing out. So, what did you do when Grim set Deuce on fire?” He watched you for a moment and then smirked, leaning back with his usually swagger.

           “Nothing of course! Those two can take care of themselves.” His face turned more impish as he kept going. “Jack had to dunk them in a fish tank and then Crewel found them. You should have seen his face.” Ace began to do a Crewel impression and honestly, it wasn’t half bas. You began to laugh, imagining Deuce and Grim dropped in the fish tank, poor Jack caught in the middle.

           Ace watched you laugh, his face going soft was you giggled. He didn’t say anything as the laughter began to turn into tears. They started gradually, the hiccuping sobs replacing happy cries. He gave a sigh, shaking his head as you turned to him with wide and surprised eyes.

           “Stupid.” He pulled you to his chest, letting you burying your face in his shirt. Ace’s tone was gentle and he began to rub your back. “You don’t have to push yourself for me. I’m here.”

           His words opened the flood gates you didn’t realize were there. You clung to him and let it all out, Ace holding you close. It felt good and you couldn’t stop once you started. He made no move to stop you, vowing to support you in any way. Ace might not be the strongest or the smartest but he’s yours and he’s be damned if anyone could take that away from him.

Deuce:

           It takes you longer than it should be recognize Deuce at your door, face bruised and flowers clutched in his hands. The flowers look like they’ve seen some shit but you take the bouquet as it’s practically shoved into your arms.

           “Sorry if I woke you up, I didn’t remember when you said you’d be up.” He rambles as you let him inside, cheeks pink. Even though the two of you have been together for a bit, he insists on ‘taking care of you’. It’s too sweet for you to try and stop him.

           “You did wake me up.” Your sleep deprived brain takes a moment to kick in and you wince as Deuce’s face falls. You’re quick to reassure him. “I’m glad you did though, I wanted to see you.”

           “I wanted to see you too.” He gives you a bashful smile as he follows you into the kitchen. You begin the hunt for a vase and some snacks, wincing as most cabinets turn up empty. Eventually you find a box of stale cookies and a vase.

           The two of you happily much in silence and you take in your partner again. He looks more than pleased with the cookies but it’s easy to see the cuts on his knuckles. You frown and gently reach out to look at his hands.

           “Did you get into a fight?” Deuce freezes at your question, looking a mix of ashamed and determined. “What happened?”

           “It was for a good reason!” Your raised eyebrows show you don’t really believe him and he keep going, face serious. “They were bad mouthing you.”

           “Me?” You ask, surprised. Deuce nods, frowning as he recalls what happened.

           “They said that you must be a bad partner because you’ve been so busy lately and you must not care because you weren’t trying to see me.” You wince and looked away. You for sure felt like a bad partner. It wasn’t up to you of course but being unavailable did make you feel horrible. You wanted to spend time with Deuce, you were just so exhausted and drained it was hard.

           “What did you say?” You were dreading his answer but perked up when he scowled and slammed his fist into his palm.

           “I told them to shut up their mouths! You’ve been working so hard and I really admire that. Who wouldn’t be proud of a partner like that!? I’m upset you’re forced into it but they shouldn’t act like you want it to be this way.” Deuce continued on his rant, the passion burning brightly in his eyes.

           You couldn’t stop yourself from leaning across the table and kissing him on the lips. All the fight disappeared from him, leaving only the shy boy from before.

           “Thank you Deuce, it means a lot.” His face was soft as he gazed back at you and squeezed your hands gently.

           “Of course. I’ll always have your back.” You grin at his words, leaning over to give him another kiss. You would scold him about losing his temper and rushing into danger later.

[askganon]

Sir, you do not know me, nor I you really, but despite the fact that we clearly have major philosophical differences, I still find you highly respectable. I haven't spoken to you as of yet due to this, as I have doubted that I could find a topic that would lead somewhere of benefit that others have not already asked at length about. All this is quite a long winded way to state that, now that I've actually thought of a topic to broach, I am genuinely curious as to your thoughts and do not speak on a whim and hope you may give my ramble some thought as well.

On the topic of alcohol (and any other drug/intoxicant that you may partake in for that matter), I am curious, what exactly do you find pleasurable about any of it and why do you believe you find it pleasurable? I have always found the feeling of drunkenness to be mildly annoying at best and highly distressing at worst. The same traits that others describe as positive have always been hellish to me. For the physical sensations others have described have always sounded identical to my experiences of things such as "being in extreme pain" and "recovering from surgery", which even being slightly tipsy tends to resemble for me. As for the social aspects, many say they find it easier to socialize and that it makes one more open to things, but if you are intending to meet others, wouldn't it be better to know their personality for how it is outside of intoxication? And if one is simply looking to have a good experience, wouldn't it be better to seek one that can be more easily remembered? And being around drunken folk while sober has never been pleasant either, as I find it to be closer to babysitting than anything. To each their own as they say, but I simply find this baffling, so I'd like to hear your thoughts. Perhaps this is simply something that is not meant to be fully known or understood, but to leave questions unanswered is against my nature. After all, a sickly child who grows into a sickly adult is often left only with the company of books, and that has long since given me a hunger to know everything I can. One of my flaws I suppose

And as this is much longer than I intended, I shall try to leave that thought here, I think. For it is late and I am stressed, as tonight is the anniversary of my birthday so tomorrow I will be expected to take part in celebrations that, as my culture dictates, will most certainly involve drinking. I expect the social pressures to be nearly as miserable as the act itself would be. For listening to my late night rambling, which I hope does not bore you, sarqso

Your patience alone to seek out a topic as of yet discussed already elevates you above the common rabble in my eyes, disagreements or no. For this, I will indeed take my own time in answering your original thoughts and inquiries to the extent of my ability.

First, allow me to dissuade any possible worries you may hold regarding my character when it comes to alcohol. I do not ingest it for the sole purpose of wild intoxication.

Many who imbibe do so for this reason, but I am not among them. When I drink, and understand that it is not a daily occurrence, I do so to feel an ease from my burdens.

There are seven stages of intoxication, ranging from sobriety to death. When I drink, I take care to keep myself within the first two stages; sobriety and euphoria. I need no further intoxication than them, and will keep myself within those controllable levels.

In extreme cases, and very rare moments, I have found myself delving into the third stage; excitement. However, I do not enter this stage lightly, and it is almost always with a host of Sisters that I have allowed myself such indulgence.

I am also aware that alcohol effects everyone differently. What has been a pleasant experience for me might be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is no shame in this, as I have been in the company of many Gerudo who have preferred sobriety to intoxication. Likewise, I have known some Gerudo... and Hylian Kings, who preferred a lifetime of intoxication to a moment of sobriety.

It can be a tool of momentary release if it is controlled, or an unbreakable chain of misery and dependency if it is not. As with everything, it is fine in moderation.

When it comes to alcohol: learn your limits, and respect them.

[solsearchingnights]

Neb wasn’t on the island when they brought Finn home. They weren’t on the island for three days after Adalwullf’s nets pulled him from the ocean.

Ever since Lazuli had found it’s tattered jacket on the rocks, Neb had spent every moment possible out over the sea, flying between islands and ship decks hoping for a glimpse of their best friend– no matter the state of it.

Now, in the dead of night and freezing rain, Neb’s tired eyes followed the glow of town back home. They hadn’t even stopped to hunt in days, and that had been a habit developed in the months of searching. The weight they’d lost to worry set Lazuli off in a tizzy when they stopped long enough to let her notice.

But there was little else they could do but search. The mantra echoing in their head was loud as ever; not again. Never again. They’d lost family before. This would be different. It had to be different.

When they banked down to the Heron corner of town, Neb noticed the darkness of Lazuli’s windows. They hoped the siren was asleep, even if they knew better.

Stumbling on the landing, Neb steadied themself against a wall.

“About fuckin’ time.”

They didn’t even have the energy to be afraid. “Please, leave us alone.”

Dante scoffed, shoving Neb into the wall. When he leaned into their face, his breath stank of cheap alcohol and grime. “Just here to deliver a message.”

Neb clicked their beak, anger bubbling up at his audacity. “What more do you want?” He held total control of them through the information he held. They both knew it.

“It’s not about what I want anymore, idiot bird.” He sneered and buried his fingers in their chest, bruisingly pushing them back and taking hold of feathers, even as they flattened against Neb’s skin. “I’ve sold everything I have on you. Made me a decent sum. Turns out, I’m not the only one who likes the idea of having you in their pocket.” 

Anger cooled to icy fear. At least with Dante, they knew what to expect. At least with Dante, they could keep his abuse to themself, and far away from their pod. “Who?” Exhaustion and fear– for their family and for themself, built into a tremble through their very bones.

Dante tightened his grip, starting to pull feathers from their skin. “You’ll know if you need to. Like I said, I’m just the messenger.” His other hand tapped the side of their head, where they both knew a set of scars hid beneath the down. “You’re usually a better listener than that.”

Neb closed their eyes, desperate to steady themself. All they needed to do was get through this incident. Then they could find Lazuli, ask for an update, and get back out there to search. Nothing else mattered. Dante didn’t matter. They would handle whatever he’d done after Finn was home safe.

“So, that message.”

They flinched as Dante tapped their head again.

“You’re no longer my problem. And you’ll hear from them when you’re needed.” He yanked his hand away, tearing out a handful of feathers and making Neb stumble forward. “That’s it. Message delivered.”

They blinked away spots in their sight and tried to balance on aching, unsteady talons.

Dante crossed his arms, watching them recover with something bordering on unsurety in his gaze. Then he shook his head and turned to leave. “By the way, they fished up Blackwood a few days ago. Better get to it before they decide to throw it back.”

And in the flurry of wings and terror Neb became, they didn’t even notice Dante slipping into the trees, headed in the direction of a secret dock with a ship no one would notice missing.

Neb was bad at reading social subtleties on their best day. This was not their best day.

Nor was it Finn’s.

But with the day they’d had– the week and months they’d just lived, Neb would have done this even if physical cues had been simple as a well-kept ledger. Ignoring the warnings Joanna had laid thick upon their arrival, Neb approached Finn.

And it was Finn. It was. No one else had those sad, emotion-filled eyes, or that clench of the jaw that preceded its attack.

So when the mer lunged, Neb expected it. Welcomed it. Arms and wings wide, they let their best friend do his damndest to rip their throat out.

“I’m sorry, I know I’m frightening.” They whispered, hugging the thrashing creature to themself, trying not to wince as a mouthful of feathers was bitten. “I missed you. I suspect that won’t mean much to you, that you’re scared–” the keening beneath his growl said as much, “but the first time we met you nearly killed me. So this is a perfect reintroduction.”

Finn’s tail was powerful, and very nearly dislocated Neb’s knee as it impacted. His claws tore into their chest and shoulders, but his teeth at least seemed to have been deterred by their feathers.

Neb didn’t care. It was their Finn drawing blood, so it didn’t matter how much damage was done. “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not alone, Finn. You’re not going to be alone.” They cooed, letting their words trail off into comfort in the shape of soft vocalizations and burying their beak in its hair. One arm still firmly around its torso, wings cocooning it in, Neb lifted their other hand to cup its cheek. A difficult task, with Finn’s movements, but one that was second nature to Neb.

Holding Finn’s face, lifting his eyes to meet theirs, not allowing him to avert his gaze and doubt his worth. It was something Neb had done a thousand times over. And even now, as they brushed a thumb over his cheek, now speckled with scales, Finn settled.

“That’s right.” They leaned back, watching the storm of emotions on the mer’s face. “You’re still my best friend. Still my Finn. You don’t have to remember, but I do. I’ll remember for us both.”

It looked confused. Still tense and afraid, but its tail relaxed and its claws simply rested on top of the blood soaked feathers.

Neb rested their forehead against Finn’s. “Even if you don’t remember, you know me. And I know you. You’ll be okay.” Their eyes closed as their vision swam. Exhaustion and pain and blood loss pulled at their consciousness. “You’ll be okay.”

~~~~

mermay au nonsense that is getting out of control

character credit! Finn @finnified Lazuli @amostfoolishgold Joanna @pacificwaternymph

[pine-niidles]

2024 August Monthly Updates

It's a very text heavy update this month, I'm... working on getting back into the habit of regular art. My art muscles have grown stiff and it's slow going training them back up. It is going though - I've even been doing some sketching in my physical sketchbook this week.

Doodling fish makes for a good warm-up

Website/Blog

I've been wanting to set up a proper art blog for a while. Social media has always been hard for me to keep up with, I've never really had fun posting art online ever since deviantart stopped being good. Figuring out what, when, how to post & keeping up with constant changes... it's been said a million times so I won't get into it, and at the end of the day even if it's frustrating it's still worth it for the connections I make and the art I get to see because of it. Still, I don't want to rely on social media to be the only place where my art lives (it's a sad thought!). That's why I've been compiling art pdfs, it's why I've been looking into physical print making, it's why I started these monthly updates in the first place.

So if you're reading this on my new blog welcome! (if not - it's here) I'm planning to eventually move to hosting it myself but so the moment I'm relying on wordpress, I apologize for the banners. I'm still deciding how I want to do monthly updates from now on - I'll be posting all of them on the new blog for sure but I'm still undecided if I want to continue to cross post them on tumblr & kofi. I have a poll just for that running right now if you have an opinion (or if you don't - it's a nice motivator just to see that people are actually reading these).

Other than monthly updates I'll be posting process breakdowns on here, and more in depth looks at individual projects at various stages of their process. Maybe doing some features (or even reviews?) of other artists/projects. We'll see how it goes! I won't be cross-posting those, thought I'll probably post links to them when I write them (you can also sign up to the email newsletter for this blog at the bottom of the page - though you'll have to make a wordpress account). I know a lot of people use patreon for this kind of thing but I like the freedom of not having an expectation of consistency (or quality).

Fanzines

I've started taking part in fanzines again, there's a couple in particular I'm very excited for! Not much more to say on that topic as I'm not allowed to announce my participation yet but that's something I've been working on this month.

All in Good Time

I've done very little (read:none) art for my own projects this month, but I have done some writing for a couple I've yet to introduce publicly.

The first is a short (12-16 page) self-contained comic featuring a friend of mine and my ocs. I've written a rough script for it and will be working on character designs and art for it when I have a little more free time :)

They Say There is a Monster in These Woods

The second project I was doing writing for is much longer term - I've been toying around with the idea of doing a solo visual novel for some time now and I finally came up with a story idea for one.

The game starts with you in the woods, injured. You stumble across a clear where a lone manor stands and collapse in front of it. When you come to the Lady of the manor greets you, and invites you to stay as her guest for some time while you recover from your injuries and to attend her birthday celebrations in two weeks. You spend this time in the manor getting to know the inhabitants, maybe finding the sparks of romance with one among them, and maybe even figuring out the source of the mysterious rumors that there is a monster in the woods...

\o/ I hope that intro sounds fun to you! I'm certainly excited about it. This will be more of a long term project - both in the fact that it'll be a lot of work to make and because I have other game projects I want to prioritize first, some collab work and some of my own games that are only a couple steps away from completion (Don't Wake the Sleeping Dragon I've not forgotten about you...)

--

And that's all for August! I'm looking forward to Summer ending and the start of Fall, maybe I can do some plein air watercolors of the leaves changing color when that time comes :)

[lilac-witch]

This is such a fun idea! I may do something similar when I reach 100 followers!

🌌 I’m bi, but lean towards men. If you have time to do one male and one female character that would be really cool!

- I’m not sure if you like astrology, but I’m an Aquarius Sun, Virgo rising, and Aries moon

- friendly, pretty patient too, but man oh man if you push my buttons I’ll fucking end you. I don’t really tolerate people being rude or inconsiderate. And I physically can’t stop myself from speaking up if I see someone being an ass.

- I enjoy my own quiet time, socializing can be draining for me, and I need time to recover. With that being said, I’m also the “friend group leader” so if there’s ever gonna be a party planned—I’m probably the one hosting

-books! Video games! Art! Writing! Hiking! These are the things that bring me joy and recharge me.

-I’ve got 4 best friends, I’d go to war for them. Of those 4 best friends, only one of them is straight.

-sometimes life gets hard, I’m not the type to share that on social media tho. I’m pretty private about family drama or traumatic life events.

-hate the cold, but live in Connecticut, and will likely never be able to leave lmaooo

-I don’t have any kids of my own (child birth is scary!), but I’m a step mom. I think I’m killing the whole coparenting thing. I’m very conscious of boundaries and keeping things peaceful for the sake of the child.

-always taking pictures cause I have a really terrible memory otherwise.

-adventurous and spontaneous, so long as I don’t think it’ll kill me or put me in jail, I’ll try anything once.

-NOT A MORNING PERSON. Night owl all the way.

I wish you all the best with writing and gaining followers!!😊

I’d pair you with Mor and Azriel.

As a fellow Aquarius, I can definitely understand the limits of your social battery, and I think Azriel would as well. He himself, with all the love he has for friends and family, gets tired and needs time to himself.

Mor on the other hand, would help you plan the party of a century. I think that bubbly, chaotic energy may even rub off on you and make you want to socialise longer, but I don’t think she’d blame you if you snuck away for some peace and quiet.

I can see both Mor and Azriel stepping up beside you to protect your friends. After all, they’ve both come from traumatic familial backgrounds, and loyalty to those they love is extremely important to them.

As far as timeliness goes, I feel like both Mor and Azriel are not morning birds, for two very different reasons. Mor loves to party, so late nights and even later mornings. Azriel because Rhys’ tasks for him are never ending. So there’s definitely a balance there.

I think it’s inspiring that you’ve adopted the role of step-mom, and I think both Mor and Azriel would agree. Mor, like you, has a fear of childbirth stemming from her own childhood in the Court of Nightmares, so I feel she would acclimate to that role with your guidance. As for Azriel, I just think he loves kids, whether they are his or not.

[wewillforeseeobstacles]

...

to this day i still don't understand. it's very hard for me to put my thoughts into words. i still tried. five emails later, four years later, a thousand conversations later, i still tried. i don't understand why you did any of it. is your memory really that bad? why do you treat other people like shit about it? why do you refuse to check things? you left and blocked everyone of your own accord. you had the logs. you could've looked at everything. you could've seen what was actually happening. no one pushed you away. no one tore you from it.

you are so cruel. so, so cruel. i think that was an apt choice of wording for when i first used it against you. i did it with intent to hurt, but i mean it. you invalidate that any of my abuse actually happened to me. while i was working on helping you get away from your groomer, the one you would then accuse me of forcing you to get away from because i am.. an abuser, apparently, despite me having logs of you expressing discomfort and being thankful for what we did, you simply told me you hoped my pedophile ex would 'explode'. you don't treat me like a person- you never have. you assume of me a malice that has taken me so long to work through and see that it was all a fabrication by you. i am called kind so often. understanding. loving. these are all things my friends think of me; people who have seen me at my ugliest and actually worked with me through it. people who have reached out understanding to me.

i wish you'd stop lying. i wish you'd understand the weight of your actions, the way they can never be undone. the harm you've done to me, socially, mentally. did it even occur to you that you were lying? did you believe what you said, at the time? i wish you would have told me. were you so scared that you couldn't tell me 'i don't like it when you do that', or 'it doesn't help me when you give advice like this'. i would have respected this. instead you brush it all off and pretend it's okay, or genuinely believe it, and then you break down and suddenly everything was horrible. i don't get it. why do you think my demeanor isn't genuine? why do you paint me as an evil monster full of malice?

when i speak of your behavior to others, i approach it with the full context of.. you. of your words, your behaviors, your mannerisms. i bring forth logs. i'm open to the idea that i could have done something wrong. i always have been.

everyone has told me the same thing. that they don't understand why you did this. that you must be hurting in some part of your life so badly that you are taking it out on me. i do not believe this is fair. i urged you to get help in my last email to you, and i still hold this belief. i don't mean this in a derogatory manner. i feel pain in thinking that you are hurting in a way that leads you to hurting others. but i do not feel comfortable sharing a space with you, or speaking to you, or interacting with you in any way after this. if you see this, it will be your prerogative. i too am a person with feelings. i hope you will understand. i don't expect you to understand.

i feel somewhat stable now, after processing everything as best as i could, after moving forward and making new friends and processing the way other people behave; it makes your behavior stand out. nobody has ever done this to me again. this is the kind of thing that has made me feel suicidal. please don't do this to anyone again. i'm begging you. i believed your behavior may have eventually led me to my suicide at a point, and most people have far weaker wills than mine.

..why did you do this? what did you get from it? a kick? you act as if being around us was so painfully difficult it made you physically unwell. is this true? why did you say nothing? does it hurt you to have lied about me? does it hurt you to have ruined so many connections i had in doing so? does it matter to you at all? does it matter to you that you've hurt me in ways i feel i still have no longer recovered from, and probably won't in years? why do you make everyone else do emotional labor for you? why do you force everyone around you to point out where you do something wrong, or where you're lying? why did it take me reaching out, something i did not want to have to do, for you to acknowledge that you were lying? why do you do this? it doesn't feel like you have healthy boundaries. i wish you'd go through the effort of putting some in place. i wish you cared about yourself enough that you'd stop violating people's nonconsent on hurting you. i wish you'd stop using the people around you, who care about you, to self-harm. i wish you would change.

[justgoo0se]

GOOFY BIRTHDAY SHIT

guess who's birthday is coming up

MEEEE

So anyways, gonna talk about how strange they are

like, you celebrate going around in a circle around the sun, and how many times that has happened, usually ads one candle to your cake. But I find it. so strange that its so widely televised that every birthday is just another party. Wouldn't it get tiring of having birthday bashes every birthday??? I like eating cake. mostly. if it s not too sugary, but like come on man. Most of the times what one is going to do is just vibe, eat some cake, hang out with friends to celebrate you're one year closer to death

and also probably trying to ignore how most of your friends may or may not have already started doing drugs. I mean, I get only one life to live and shit but dude??? at least wait until you're on your death bed and have the most WILD FUCKING DEATH BASH OF ALL TIME

maybe thats jsut me tho. Either way, I'm going to maniacally giggle as I set up a birthday discord call and just spam people with quack quack quack and then leave eating some cake. Absolute baller, have you ever just wanted to some crazy ass shit reserved for a party?? Get free food?? Be born!! It's your greatest acheivement, and BOOM!!! when you make it one year- 52 weeks of your life and you're still at least breathing?? celebrate with a shit ton of sugar and staring up at your ceiling on your birthday and wonder how the fuck you're one year older and how did you make it this far

and be proud

Simply something as simple as a birthday should totally be celebrated! Who knows, maybe you've gone through tough shit. Maybe you're battling an addiction that could kill you. Maybe you've tried some things in the past to cut your time short. Maybe you're battling an illness, no matter the kind. Maybe there are days where you just.. don't know if you can go on. Either way, you don't have to celebrate. Don't have to eat cake or be social. It's your birthday. Be proud you made it 52 more weeks.

I know I am. This year has been absolutely BALLING. It's giving 'holy shit, am I just going to stay this way forever, will things be okay, will I ever recover, will I hold on for just a little longer'

Honestly, I've had days where I was just. ready to give up. Not make it so I can yell at the world that I don't give a SHIT and I am going to LIVE. I've had times and episodes where all thats on my mind is move, move. Make it. Breath. Don't give up. Reach out where you can. but in those times, what got me moving was focusing on moving one finger at a time. Stutter my breathing, try to hum. I don't have to yell physically at the world that whatever fucking walls you shove my way I'll break it down.

Because sometimes I'm not strong enough to move through those. Sometimes I have to climb them. Sometimes I just have to wait. To break one brick at a time. It may not be chaotic, violent, or fun, but on the other side there will always be more. More ways to cause chaos, to have fun. To live, move, breath.

Every day, hell, every week may not be your week. It may not be your month. You may be struggling to even drag yourself out of bed or even eat anything. You may not be able to sleep at night but pass out while waiting for a friend to respond to a message. You may want to draw, dance, laugh, sing, write, play, but you're unable to bring yourself to. But what matters is you made it another day. You may be bored as fuck waiting. Just sitting. Doing nothing but wait.

But before you can have patience with anything, you have to have patience with yourself. break shit down. Know that some things may not last. That some friendships are bound to fade. Some days are hell and back. That one day you may die to anything. but you also have to take into account the joy and happiness you have in the present. You have to cherish who you have now, even if you know, even if it nags you that you two may split ways. However you also have to take into account that one day, things will be okay. Sure, they won't be perfect, but it'd be breathable. It'd be just enough. and sometimes, just enough is enough. It doesn't hurt to strive for better, but it hurts to shame what you have now. It hurts to lose sight of the happiness and life you have now. Rushing into things isn't for everyone. But companionship and support go longer ways that slaving away at life so you can live a 'perfect' life. Sometimes people forget to be content with what they have and strive for better.

So, for anyone who also has a birthday coming up, or simply just need to hear it: Happy birthday motherfucker

enjoy your life while you can, you never know when your book ends, but it's better to enjoy it than wait for impending doom.

[hxllfires-gifs]

PAIRING. cornelia jakobs x fem!reader

SUMMARY. cornelia is picked to be sweden’s representative in eurovision and decides to take her girlfriend to italy with her.

WORD COUNT. 1,154

Y/N WAS SURE that if someone told her a year or so ago that she would be in Italy for 2022 Eurovision with her girlfriend who was a contestant, she would not have believed it at all; not because she doubted Cornelia but because she hadn’t attended the contest or even traveled much outside of Sweden. She had the occasional trip here and there but it was nothing too special.

She was thankful for the opportunity that was given to both her and her girlfriend. She had been there every step of the way for her blonde lover and she was beyond proud. For the time that she’d known Cornelia, she was always hardworking and she deserved all of the credit and love. Being chosen to be the Swedish representative for the contest was something that many people dreamed of.

It had become a reality for the Jakobs but she was still processing everything as each day passed by since things were moving so much faster than anticipated. It genuinely did feel as though yesterday was when she was selected, but that was months ago. The time proved to be something that the two of them needed to enjoy since Eurovision was not going to last forever, no matter who had wanted it to.

There was a level of stress but Y/N being there helped tremendously with the blonde’s varying degrees of emotional drainage. With each interaction Cornelia had, the more she needed some quiet time in the hotel with the woman she loved. Feeling emotionally and physically drained was not something that she experienced often but it always took its toll on her when she did, but it honestly was to be expected in some capacity.

Eurovision was a very social heavy event, which was understandable but Cornelia just needed those small moments alone with her girlfriend to recover from the stress. She did want to do well, just like everyone else she’d met over the span of a month and a half. For her, this contest was such an important and exciting experience, so she attempted to get that thought into her head more; she wasn’t going to take it for granted.

The L/N watched as Cornelia finished the process of getting ready for rehearsals. She was amazed by the backstage preparations and questioned if she should change jobs or not; it was a question that appeared often in her brain but she never once acted on it. To be completely honest, she wasn’t sure if she would do well, so she resorted to watching it instead. Her girlfriend was so invested and it was quite the sight to see.

She didn’t realize she was staring until the Jakobs brought it up with a smirk, “Angel, if you take a picture then it’ll last longer.” Each word was teasing and gave more reason for the H/C haired girl to blush at her girlfriend’s tone.

“You can’t blame me,” Y/N spoke truthfully as she went to sit down on a nearby couch. She grew tired of standing around so she’d chosen to rest her body, but still paid close attention to the Swede.

Cornelia smiled at the simple sentence as she expected the L/N to say something like that. “I’m pretty, I know.” She was messing with the other female since she was always told about how pretty she was. They would often have compliment battles and that was a normality for the couple; of course, it was started by Y/N and stuck around over time.

“Yes, you are! You’re the prettiest person I have ever seen.” Y/N complimented Cornelia without much thought or hesitation.

The Jakobs gave her a pointed look when she began speaking. “I think you are talking about yourself. Also, I have to do some voice warmups, so you can’t distract me. The last time, you were making me laugh too much. I love your humor but rehearsals are in seven minutes.”

“Got it, boss.” The H/C haired woman saluted her partner as a way to tease her before leaning back on the couch, listening to Cornelia’s vocal warmups once she had started them.

Cornelia rolled her eyes before starting to warm her voice; the process took a couple of minutes but finished quite quickly. With a minute or two left, she could feel some slight nervousness creeping through her since this was the last rehearsals before the second Semi-Final. She was hoping that everything turned out as it should and that she would end up qualifying when the show actually started.

She heard her girlfriend stand up and the sound of her footsteps neared. Y/N was very aware of the signs Cornelia’s body gave in her times of fear and anxiety, so she could tell that her lover was feeling one of those, if not both. She yearned to help as much as she could whenever this happened since the blonde would always do the same for her. It made things much easier as they were both in tune with one another’s emotions.

“Hey, you’re okay. You are going to kill it, both at rehearsals and the Semi-Final. The people love you and your song. You’ve got this! I believe in you completely.” Y/N didn’t stop talking until she was sure that Cornelia was feeling a bit better.

The L/N didn’t always know what to say if she did not understand what something felt like, but she would comfort her lover even if she didn’t understand to the fullest extent. She would try her best regardless of what was happening. She wanted for the woman she loved to know that she wasn’t alone and that she would always have support, both of those being truthful.

The Swede made eye contact with Y/N, a small smile overtaking the anxiety because of the comforting words and presence. She was beyond thankful for her girlfriend and it was always something she’d tell her often in their daily life. How could she not? She was absolutely in love with Y/N.

“Thank you, lovely. I truly don’t know what I would do without you in my life. You’re very beautiful and sweet. I could go on about my admiration for you but that’ll have to be in private, later on. For now, I’ve got to make sure everything is perfect for tonight.” The blonde leaned forward and her lips met her girlfriend’s for a short but loving kiss.

The two had to break apart for Cornelia to leave but Y/N wished her good luck for what seemed to be the hundredth time already. It would be a lie if the blonde said she did not enjoy it or find it to be cute. Whilst the Jakobs ran through her performance, Y/N L/N watched with nothing but fondness in her eyes since she adored seeing Cornelia doing what she loved; it was one thing that she could witness forever if she were allowed to.

[datshitrandom]

November is Epilepsy Awareness Month 💜

I have lived with tonic-clonic, absence and psychogenic seizures for 17 years and it is likely that i will require a lifelong treatment to control them. My own main triggers are flashing lights, fever, lack of sleep, anxiety, stress, skipping meals, and alcohol. It took me 7 years to finish college because I used to have 6 to 8 seizures on a daily basis. Personally, I have been treated as if I have a mental illness or disorder, some people avoid me when they find out I have a slight cognitive damage, they mock me because I don't drink at all, I even was dumped via text because is something 'she didn't signed up for' (and yes i'm still bitter about that) - when in fact it is just a neurological disorder that can be treated.

Epilepsy is one of the most common noncommunicable neurological diseases in the world; it has a prevalence of approximately 70 million people. (In Mexico, epilepsy has a prevalence of 3.9 to 42.2 cases per 1,000 inhabitants¹.)

Epilepsy is a spectrum disorder - people usually think that epilepsy only involves having seizures and intolerance to strobe lights. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Epilepsy involves migraines, mood swings, anxiety, different types of seizures, restless nights, insomnia, decline in memory activity, single-minded conversation habits, cognitive damage that causes problems with language, head injuries, social isolation, cloudy or foggy thinking due to the sedating side effects of the anticonvulsant drugs, attention problems, constant shakiness, physical exhaustion, loss of awareness, loss of independence and even sudden unexpected death.

It's also the humiliation of waking up surrounded by strangers, the memory loss you experience before and after, feeling as though you’re a burden to everyone and everything, not being able to drive or do certain things you planned to do previously in your life, experiencing prejudice and discrimination, worrying your family and friends, having to adjust your lifestyle to it, expensive medications and side-effects, hospital visits and tests, people joking about it and making fun of you, the fear of waking up in an ambulance or not waking up at all.

All that said epilepsy is the most common neurological disorder and you may need to help someone someday. Understanding the importance of seizure preparedness and learning what you can do is the best way to help during what are scary situations for all involved. Here are some important do’s and don'ts when someone has a seizure:

DO:

Stay calm. Seizures are common and usually only last a few minutes or less

Stay with the person until the seizure is over

Put something soft under their head

Turn the person on their side to keep airways clear

Make sure onlookers stay calm and stay off to the side

Track the seizure, make sure to mark how much time there is between the beginning and the end of the active seizure, and how long it takes for the person to recover and return to their usual activity level. Another important reason to check the time and note the length of a seizure is so that you can pass this information on afterwards to the person who has had the seizure.

Check to see if the person has any type of emergency information on them, such as a medical bracelet.

When the seizure is over, help the person to a safe place to talk

Comfort them by calmly explaining what just happened

Ask if they know their name and where they are

Offer to call a loved one or a taxi to get them home safely

Following a seizure, a person may often be very tired, want to sleep and may not feel back to normal for several hours or sometimes days

Some people recover quickly, but others may take longer to feel back to normal again

If the seizure goes on for 5 minutes or more, it is called status epilepticus, or 'status'. Status can cause brain damage or even death. It is important to call for an ambulance

If they are pregnant, or if they have more than one seizure call emergencies.

DON’T:

Don’t hold the person down

Don’t try to stop their movements

Don’t put anything in their mouth

Don’t attempt mouth-to-mouth — they will usually start breathing again on their own

Don’t try to give them food or water until they are fully alert

It is important to note that not everyone who has a seizure has epilepsy, every brain has the potential to seize. A person can have a seizure from a physical cause and these events are not diagnosed as epilepsy. Some common causes of provoked seizures include:

An acute medical illness (like an infection)

An abnormality in blood sugar or blood pressure

Fever

Head injury or brain trauma

Stroke

Withdrawal from drugs or alcohol

A reaction to a prescribed or over-the-counter medication

Epilepsy Awareness Month is an effort to raise awareness about and change the conversation around the epilepsies, seizures, and side effects, as well as to improve and save lives through care, advocacy, education and support - we must increase public knowledge about first aid to change the way people think about the epilepsies and seizures because - even today - the general public say they would be nervous around or even get involved with a person with epilepsy.

"Epilepsy changes people. It sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately, loves more openly, and lives more passionately." - Unknown

_____ ¹ Noriega-Morales G, Shkurovich-Bialik P. Situación de la epilepsia en México y América Latina. An Med (Mex). 2020; 65 (3): 224-232. dx.doi.org/10.35366/95680

[cyarsk52-20]

Megan Thee Stallion Opened Up About The Tory Lanez Shooting Case For ‘The Final Time’ In A Touching New Essay

Walker

April 18, 2023 7:15 AM PST

Megan Thee Stallion, as part of a cover story for Elle Magazine, shared a powerful new personal essay that finds her reflecting on the Tory Lanez assault trial. (He was found guilty last year following the 2020 incident.)

via: Rolling Stone

“I understand the public intrigue,” Megan continued, “but for the sake of my mental health, I don’t plan to keep reliving the most traumatic experience of my life over and over again. I’m choosing to change the narrative because I’m more than just my trauma.”

The wide-ranging essay opens with Megan’s declaration that, after reflecting on the events of the last three years, she no longer wants to call herself a victim but a survivor. “Not only did I survive being shot by someone I trusted and considered a close friend, but I overcame the public humiliation of having my name and reputation dragged through the mud by that individual for the entire world to see,” she said. 

The jokes, memes, conspiracy theories, and reputational attacks, Meg said, were tough to deal with, especially when some of her “peers in the music industry piled on.” She added, “Instead of condemning any form of violence against a woman, these individuals tried to justify my attacker’s actions.” 

Behind the scenes, Megan said, she “started falling into a depression,” even as she continued to release music and tour. Working on new music was difficult as Megan struggled to figure out what to rap about, and she’d often catch herself crying moments before having to take the stage at some public event. When Lanez was found guilty at the end of the last year, Meg said the verdict was “more than just vindication for me, it was a victory for every woman who has ever been shamed, dismissed, and blamed for a violent crime committed against them.”

She added: “Time after time, women are bullied with backlash for speaking out against their attackers, especially when they’re accusing someone who is famous and wealthy. They’re often accused of lying or attempting to make money from their trauma. From firsthand experience, I know why a lot of women don’t come forward. Any support and empathy that I received was drowned out by overwhelming doubt and criticism from so many others.” 

In the months since the verdict came in, Megan said she’s been “healing.” Acknowledging that the “physical and mental scars from this entire ordeal will always sting,” she said getting off social media, taking time for herself, praying, and spending time with close friends and her dogs, has helped her feel more at peace and prepared to resume her life. She also touched on how she’s learned to set stronger boundaries, whether it has to do with who she lets into her life, or “saying ‘no’ to protect my peace.”

Near the end of the essay, Megan also mentioned that she’s found her love of music again, writing, “I’m excited to get back into music, because I have been so transformed. I’m playing around with new songs and new sounds that I can’t wait for everyone to hear.” 

In a final note, the rapper said: “We can’t control what others think, especially when the lies are juicier than the truth. But as a society, we must create safer environments for women to come forward about violent behavior without fear of retaliation. We must provide stronger resources for women to recover from these tragedies physically and emotionally, without fear of judgment. We must do more than say her name. We must protect all women who have survived the unimaginable.” 

Megan’s essay comes a few weeks after Lanez filed a motion for a new trial in the shooting case, though a judge has yet to rule on the motion. Lanez was supposed to be sentenced sometime in April, though it appears that date may be further delayed as his new motion is considered.

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[computerpeople]

What's the plot of your au?

in 2018 due to at the time mysterious consequences the sun "exploded", replaced with a massive black light spot in the sky. While it didn't really explode, it caused a massive flash of hot light, and when the light was gone, the sun was black and the sky looked wrong. like a dream or a broken videogame, everything was colored wrong, or misshapen or actively breaking physics. animals were mutated, people reported spotting horrible, mutated monsters that look straight out of horror movies. people were mutated, too, developing psychic powers or animal like characteristics. Its actually very similar to fear and hunger, which is funny because I've been rping it longer than fear and hungers existed. NOT SAYING THEY COPIED ITS JUST A FUNNY COINCIDENCE.

It mostly started as an excuse for me and my friends to put all of our blorbos together even if they werent from the same sources (which im very much used to, but apparently they werent as much) and since its me, i chose the aesthetics and i based it off of my ocs universe birdlime. its a post apocalyptic wasteland that takes inspiration from things like adventure time, yume nikki, (now) fear and hunger, welcome to nightvale, eckvanet, homestuck, etc etc. its very much like a serious apocalypse rp server, but instead of being zombie bloody dirty colored its purple and greenweirdcore jakecoded colored. we have three cities, St Lovette, which is the city run by my oc Juno's father, who died and Junos taken over, theres Desert Bluffs, a small cult commune ran near St Lovette by Kevin Lauren and Diego, and recently my friends wanted to start working on a more clearly technologically developed city based off of zaun from arcane. There is also the underworld, which they often rp hades characters in (i dont play hades much but im planning on picking up hypnos eventually)

It was a public server for a while before I ended up having a psychotic episode and not being able to handle it anymore, nothing was wrong with the server specifically i loved it. but my social skills never really recovered after that, and i still really struggle to interact with people in general. the ppl in my server currently are all very acutely aware of how actually bad my mental health is and are the only ones i rp with who know about me having DID which effects HOW i rp. uhmmm so sorry to everyone who was in the public one

[thru-the-looking-glass-caroline]

Health issues & uninformed doctors and nurses...how I deal in eating disorder recovery

Let me warn anyone reading this: this post does deal with eating disorders & things like getting weighed & although I won't ever give specific details that could be more obviously sensitive/triggering I do want to still give a forewarning. It's important for me to mention too, that I am NOT in any way a professional in anything...all my blog posts are solely my opinions and my own experience and what has helped me etc. Also this particular post might be a little disorganized. My posts on this blog are things that I pre-plan & think on and rewrite before I post them because when it comes to mental health issues and even some physical health struggles I don't ever want to be reckless with my words, however this post is not planned - a very impulsive blog post triggered by an interaction at a doctor appointment this morning. You have been warned.

To start this out let me give you the situation from earlier today that was the catalyst for this blog...

I had 2 doctor appointments this morning the first was just my annual bone scan because I have osteopenia I have my bone density checked once a year to make sure it has not decreased any further and moved in to full on osteoporosis. My second appointment was with cardiology and I was not seeing my main cardiologist today, this was a last minute squeeze me in kind of appointment because my medication has quit working quite as well as it should - not anything really major but something to sort out before things get worse and become a major problem so they just squeezed me into whichever doctor at my cardiologist office could fit me in their schedule. Got through my first appointment & bone scan with out an issue and so I go to my appointment at the cardiologist. Now had I seen my regular cardiologist today I don't think this would have happened because He knows my background and history but I didn't see him I saw a female cardiologist today...we'll name her Dr. Jones for this post. Dr. Jones comes into the room after the nurse has done my weight and vitals and noted the issue I am being seen for & made sure the list of medications I take that they have on file is up to date and correct. Along with my heart medications I take thyroid medication [I have hyperthyroidism], an antidepressant, a prescription sleeping pill and a few different prescribed supplements and vitamins [again because of the hyperthyroidism and also malabsorption syndrome I have]. So Dr. Jones comes in to the room and is looking over the nurses notes. She asks me about what condition I have that I take thyroid medications and a list of supplements and vitamins for. My answer; I have hyperthyroidism(aka an over active thyroid) & malabsorption syndrome. Dr. Jones is kind of chuckling when she next says to me "that must be your secret to being slim but I guess you could probably get skinnier if you didn't take those medications!" & you can just cue my face palm after that comment.

Here's the thing; I am in recovery for anorexia and orthorexia and I say in recovery rather than recovered because I don't want to portray myself in such a way where some, especially in the world of social media, see calling myself recovered as l have all my shit figured out (spoiler I definitely do not) and I don't need space held for a struggle or a mistake now and then. That being said I have been actively in recovery from anorexia and Orthorexia for a few years now. I have not known my weight since I entered recovery...my doctors and parents know. I do know I have been maintaining a healthy weight and I have been doing well enough in eating disorder recovery that I no longer have to have specialized eating disorder therapists and mental health treatment team (I see a therapist who is more specialized in treating PTSD and trauma now). I am happy in my recovery and although this comment from Dr. Jones today didn't shake me or "trigger " eating disorder thought patterns it certainly could have a few years ago. Also this is not the only experience I have had with a doctor or nurse that is eating disorder insensitive/could be triggering.

It is such a tricky thing because what I have experienced tells me most medical professionals are not adequately trained or educated in eating disorders and how to interact with patients who have a history of eating disorders. I don't blame Dr. Jones in this situation she just didn't know my history & really other than my initial face palm reaction to her comment...I didn't have any further negative reaction, feelings or thoughts over it at this point in my recovery. I did want to talk about some things I have done in order to deal with situations like this because eating disorders are quite common anymore and since my health puts me in a lot of doctor offices I find myself in these situations pretty often

First thing I have done in the past is to be sure I tell whoever I am seeing up front that I am recovering from eating disorders OR if you maybe don't want to tell them about an eating disorder you can just say you struggle with insecurities with weight and your body. I have found most of the time this helps whatever doctor or nurse be more conscious of what they are saying to you. I think in the world we live in weight loss, body shape and all of that talk is so main stream and common casual conversation that most see it as harmless small talk...it's something in America that is common ground to relate to and because most are not so informed & aware of eating disorders most of the things someone says that could be unhelpful to another's recovery is not intentional - it is said purely from a place of ignorance around eating disorders so being upfront with whoever you see is key.

Now since you can not really control other people the rest of my tips that help are all about work that you, the person who has dealt with an eating disorder, has to do in order to not react in a negative, triggered, upset, spiraling fashion when shit is said. That being said find people to vent to and to keep you accountable when things happen - Preferably find ...I'd say at least 3 people you can call on when you find an interaction or situation has stirred up some eating disorder shit [the list of 3 people should not count your therapist. I think it's important to have people to call on & talk to that are friends and family you can trust because you have to be able to get through things without a therapist at some point].

It was really important for me to work on, for lack of a better word, desensitize myself to the comments and situations that "triggered " the anorexia and Orthorexia garbage so eventually I stopped having a triggered reaction to them otherwise recovery is really fucking hard and even more isolating because others may trigger you. You can and should try to communicate and educate people about eating disorders but also you have to realize that the best way to avoid being eating disorder triggered by outside people, conversations, situations etc is for you to find a way to talk about, think about, & deal with those triggers so they don't trigger you anymore. It sounds so shitty but I found the most helpful thing for me is to take I guess responsibility for my triggers and accept that the world is not going to stop being triggering & they really are not responsible for how I respond either in a triggered or more healthy way to a comment, situation or whatever. It sucks but honestly it's one of the best things I did to help myself in eating disorder recovery because now there is not much that shakes me in my recovery.

I have to wrap this post up - it is already really long so the last thing I want to say is Dr. Jones was not out of line in what she said to me today. Even though yes, earlier on in my eating disorder recovery her comment could have sent me in a tail spin...medically her comment was factual...without medication to manage my hyperthyroidism I would lose weight & I have said that on this blog and my main blog before, without medication I would rapidly lose weight despite my food/caloric intake so this is just another reason why dealing with triggers, thinking about them differently and moving on from them being triggering has been so important because the outside world doesn't have much power over my emotions, behaviors, thoughts and decision for recovery anymore...they don't trigger me. Anyways again I am not any sort of professional in anything...this is all just my experience and my opinion having dealt with eating disorders and other mental health issues and physical health issues.