#and now I’m 6 hours into fantasy high

[secretswiftymarvelfan]

Boston Bears: Off-Limits - Rugby Player!Chris x Reader (Part 6)

Summary: You go out on your first girls night since moving to Boston, but instead of a fun night out, you end up with the cast of Mean Girls

Word Count: 6k

Warnings: Fluff! Angst! Talk of Nepotism! Slut-Shaming! Alcohol Consumption!

Rugby Explained

Dividers by Me!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 6

You sighed as you assessed your outfit in the mirror. This was the first time you were going out drinking in a very long time. Even back in LA, you didn’t go out often even though you loved dancing, your friend Tommi preferred chatty drinks so you often went out for a meal instead. So it had been a little while since you had gotten dressed up like you were now and it wasn’t filling you with the confidence it normally did.

You’d picked a sparkly black mini-dress which looked like the night sky. The last time you wore it you felt like a boss, like someone out of a fantasy novel that was a queen or high lady and commanded an entire court. Now it just felt off, you couldn’t stop fiddling with the hem and adjusting it. It felt like it was wearing you instead of you wearing it.

You nibbled your lip trying to determine whether you should change, not that you knew what you’d change into. You needed a second opinion, someone to reassure you that it was fine and not as bad as you thought it was.

You grabbed your phone, took a quick mirror selfie and sent it to Tommi, asking what she thought. You could have just face-timed her but you didn’t want her to do her empath superpower and pick up on how uncomfortable you felt causing a mini therapy session that you didn’t want right now.

Tommi: Looking hot! You’ll be pulling all the guys tonight!

You rolled your eyes knowing she meant you could pull someone other than Chris. You had told her about your agreement and how Chris definitely wasn’t like Bryce but she still wasn’t convinced.

Y/N: I’m not looking to pull anyone tonight, just a girl's night with some of the office staff

Tommi: well have fun anyway and stay safe, share your location and text me when you’re heading home

Y/N: will do, love ya wish you were here

Tommi: love you too, wish you were here

You smiled softly to yourself as you put your phone away and looked back in the mirror. You still didn’t feel like a boss bitch, but you felt better and more confident. You could fake it until you make it until then, plus you were already running a little late.

You grabbed your bag and did last looks in the mirror before making your way out of your apartment to go meet the rest of the girls. The bar you were meeting at wasn’t that far from your apartment, only about a twenty to thirty-minute walk, but the girls were already inside when you got there.

“Hey sorry I’m a little late” you smiled as you sat down at the bar table with them.

Sam gave you a smile that you could tell was insincere “No worries” she said as her eyes scanned your outfit “You look… nice”

You forced your own smile to hide your reaction from the backhanded compliment, noticing how the other girls were also assessing your outfit which was more out there than theirs “thought I’d bring some LA glamour to the east coast” you smirked as you flagged down a bartender to order a drink “love the east coast but I think it could use it”

Sam’s smile became more forced and tight as she gave you a quick nod “Right”

You flashed her a winning smile before turning your attention to the other girls, starting a direct conversation with them instead of Sam. She did an unimpressed huff which you caught but ignored, you knew the game she was trying to play and you could play it too.

An hour into the ‘girls' night’ you decided you needed a break from them. The conversation had become less awkward but there was still the air of animosity. Tommi came to your rescue though when you texted her asking her to call you.

“Oh I better take this, I’ll be right back,” you said sliding off your seat.

You didn’t wait for them to reply and walked straight to the door to step outside.

“Hey is everything okay?” Tommi asked as soon as the line connected.

You let out a long sigh “Yeah, just needed an excuse to get a break for a bit, I thought I’d left all the LA bitches in LA” you grumbled.

Tommi snorted “There’s bitches everywhere” she chuckled “What’s so bad about them?”

“Urgh well two of them are fine, Sophia and I’ve forgotten her name, but Sam is the queen bee and the problem” you explained.

“Oh, the peaked in high school kinda person?”

“Yup, instantly judged me as soon as I walked in, I don’t even know why she invited me out” you huffed.

“Maybe she just didn’t expect the medic to also be a sexy bombshell, those girls hate competition” Tommi suggested.

You laughed and shook your head “I wouldn’t say bombshell but maybe… I think I might just cut my losses”

“No don’t give in, you said the other two are alright so stick with them and you never know they might feel the same as you” Tommi told you “Remember when we found out we both hated the same person?”

You recalled that time in college and laughed, the two of you had been studying in the library when the popular know it all girl had swanned past making you roll your eyes before you could check your expression. Tommi had caught it but instead of calling you out on it she let out a massive sigh of relief and told you she found that girl just as annoying as you did. The two of you became inseparable after that.

“That definitely brought us even closer”

“Exactly so just stick it out for another hour or two and you might make a new friend, just don’t go replacing me,” Tommi said and you could practically see her pointing her finger at you.

“That’s impossible no one can replace you” you smiled.

“Exactly now go have some fun, you deserve it,” Tommi told you.

“Will do, love ya” you chuckled.

“Love ya!” Tommi shouted down the line before the call disconnected.

You slid your phone back into your purse before taking a deep breath of the cool night air. You could do this. You stepped back inside the bar looked over towards the table and decided you needed just a few more minutes so went to the bathroom. It didn’t seem like they cared, they didn’t seem to notice you hadn’t come back yet.

Inside the toilets, you only just shut the door to a cubicle when you heard the bathroom door open and three people walk in “Urgh I wish I hadn’t invited her, do you think we could sneak out before she comes back?” you heard Sam say.

“Oh um, I dunno she’s probably stood right by the entrance” Sophia muttered.

You held back your snort, you were much closer than they realised.

“Well, she’s clearly a slut” Sam scoffed “I mean did you see what she was wearing? She may as well have written fuck me on her forehead”

“I thought it was nice, it reminded me of-” the other girl whose name you couldn’t remember said before Sam interrupted.

“No it’s slutty” Sam fired “I bet she isn’t even a trained a medic and is just in the job because her dad is the coach, typically nepo baby”

Your fists clenched, it wasn’t anything you hadn’t heard before. While it was getting better it was pretty unusual to be a female medic in the sports industry. But you worked damn hard to get your qualifications you did everything you could to make sure you were where you were because of your merits and not because your dad was a coach.

“Maybe” Sophia sighed “The guys like her though”

“Of course they do, she’s a female medic with the prime access to touch them up” Sam pointed out “I bet that’s why she decided to be a medic, she’s a slut who wants easy access to hot rugby players, I mean have you seen her with them, especially Johnny and Chris!”

That made your stomach drop. You were used to the other comments but the slut shaming and the insinuations were too much. They clearly didn’t know what was going on with you and Chris if they thought you were after Johnny too but did it really matter? It brought back the memories of what you hear in the LA changing rooms which made you feel sick.

Thankfully the girls didn’t stay in the bathroom much longer and you were able to step out of the cubical. You looked at yourself in the mirror and tried to see what Tommi saw but all you could see was what Sam saw. You bit your lower lip to stop yourself from crying, taking a deep and shaky breath.

You grabbed your phone and sent a text to Tommi ‘they’re all bitches and I’m going home, I’ll call when I’m home”

Chris let out a big yawn as he leant back in his chair and stretched his arms above his head “I think I’m gonna go into a food coma” he groaned, his belly completely full of food, some of which wasn’t diet-compliant but he was celebrating so it was fine.

Chris was out with Johnny, Jensen, Curtis as well as a few other teammates to celebrate Ari’s birthday. Since they had a match tomorrow they couldn’t go out drinking so had settled for a meal out. But they might have overindulged on food instead of booze.

“I don’t think I could eat another bite” Johnny complained as he put another spoonful of dessert in his mouth.

Chris snorted and shook his head at the winger. Things were good between them again now, Johnny had proved to Chris that he wasn’t gonna say a word and the team had been on a winning streak the last few rounds so Johnny was definitely right.

“I think I ate too much” Jake admitted as he wiped his brow “I might struggle tomorrow”

The rest of the guys all hummed in agreement, Curtis had a deeper frown on his face than he normally did.

“I dread to think how much this bill is gonna be” Ari sighed as he ran his hand through his long brown locks.

“We’re professional sportsmen, you can afford it” Johnny pointed out.

Ari shot him a look “Yeah rugby player, we’re not in the NFL or NBA” he argued “and some of us have other things they have to pay for besides fancy clothes and girl’s drinks”

Chris arched a brow at the nerve Johnny had seemingly unknowingly pressed, he wondered what it was that Ari had to pay for that meant he was more frugal than others.

“We’ll all chip in and cover it” Chris stated “It’s your birthday Ari, you don’t have to pay for anything”

Ari shook his head “No it’s fine I can pay” he stated.

“No it’s you’re birthday so we are gonna treat you aren’t we?” Chris argued sending a pointed look around at the rest of the guys who all murmured in agreement.

Ari still tried to protest but Chris made sure to take the bill from him when it arrived and ensured that everyone paid their fair share. Once the bill was paid the team made their way out to the fresh air.

“Thanks for that man” Ari said to Chris quietly as they walked out.

“No worries, it's not fair to pay on your birthday” Chris smiled as he clapped Ari on the shoulder.

“Thanks, it’s not like I couldn’t afford it, I just try to be careful with my money that’s all,” Ari said.

“I get it, don’t worry man, it's good to be frugal instead of materialistic, especially when our careers could be over tomorrow” Chris shrugged.

Ari snorted with laughter and shook his head “Great pep talk for tomorrow cap”

Chris threw him a lopsided grin “It’s what I’m known for”

“So what’s the plan, are we hitting a bar?” Johnny called out.

“Storm we have a match tomorrow” Chris reminded him, all of them already had one alcoholic drink they couldn’t go out for another.

“I know but it’s not late, we could still hang out” Johnny points out gesturing over his shoulders to the bars on the other side of the road.

Chris sighed considering it, looking across the road at all the bars they could head to. His attention was then taken by a short black shimmery dress. Chris’ lips parted as he watched you step out of a bar your head low, arms wrapped around your body tightly. You looked stunning, Chris felt an electric current run through him as he looked at you, the same one that he felt last weekend at the BBQ when he couldn’t help but seek you out to just get a kiss. But there was also something wrong, he could tell that much from here.

“Hey isn’t that Y/N?” Jensen said pointing across the street to where Chris was already staring.

“Yeah, looks like she’s alone, I’m just gonna go make sure she’s okay,” Chris said barely taking his eyes off you, watching as you walked away from the bar alone “Text me what you decide and I’ll catch up”

Chris didn’t wait for their responses before he checked there were no cars coming before jogging across the road. You seemed to be in a hurry because you had already gotten a good distance away from the bar. Chris had to keep jogging to catch up, something that didn’t sit particularly well with his full stomach.

“Hey,” he called out when he was close enough.

You instantly spun around, your eyes wide in fear. Chris held his hands up in a defensive manner as you breathed out a deep breath, hand on your chest.

“Jesus fuck Chris you scared the living daylights out of me, I thought you were a stalker or something” you scolded slapping him on the arm.

“Well you are the one walking alone” Chris pointed out.

You rolled your eyes “I’m fine my place isn’t that far, thirty minutes tops” you said shaking your head.

“A lot can happen in thirty minutes, you alright? You seem off” he asked noting how you had wrapped your arms tight around your waist again like you were trying to hide.

“Just a shitty night out” you sighed.

“Oh well we’re out celebrating Ari’s birthday, we were about to head to a bar I think when I spotted you, if you fancy joining us?” Chris offered nodding his head back towards the guys.

You glanced around him before shaking your head quickly “No I don’t think that’ll be a good idea, at least not right now” you said making Chris’ brows pinch together as he tried to work out exactly what you meant.

“No problem, let me walk you home then” Chris said but you shook your head again.

“No, no I’m good, you head back with the others,” you told him, turning to walk away before he even had a chance to argue.

“Whoa, hold up I can’t let you walk home alone” Chris said grabbing your arm to stop you from walking away.

You pulled your arm out of his grip and kept walking forcing him to follow “Chris please not now, I just want to go home” you sighed, your voice squeaking on the last syllable.

Chris’ brows pinched in concern, something was definitely wrong and he wasn’t gonna let you walk home alone if you weren’t okay “Okay but I can’t let you walk alone, I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened, you already thought I was a creep”

You paused, let out a deep sigh and closed your eyes taking a couple of moments before nodding your head “Fine” you muttered quickly walking on.

Chris nodded and fell into step with you, standing on the roadside of the pavement. He sent a quick text to Jensen to say he was walking you home before heading home himself. He shoved his phone and hands in his jeans pockets and looked over at you as you both walked in the direction of your apartment.

Ten minutes had passed and you hadn’t said a word. You just kept your eyes on the floor in front of you, your arms wrapped around your waist. This was the quietest Chris had ever seen you, it wasn’t a side he liked because it wasn’t right, it wasn’t you. The biggest indication he had that something was wrong was the quiet sniffles like you were stopping yourself from crying.

“What was so shitty about your night then?” he asked guessing this sad mood had something to do with it.

“I don’t want to talk about it” you muttered quietly.

“Did something happen? Was someone a creep to you?” Chris questioned starting to get more concerned.

“No it wasn’t a creep it was- it was nothing” you sighed shaking your head.

Chris' brows furrowed “Who did you go out with?” he asked.

“Just some girls from the ticket office, but I won’t be doing it again” you explained with a small scoff.

Chris scrunched up his nose and shook his head “Oh yeah they’re not the nicest, it wasn’t Sam was it? She’s so annoying” he complained.

Your head snapped up to look at him, Chris had to stop himself from smirking victoriously. He’d hit the nail on the head. He might not know the exact reason but he had a better idea.

“You don’t like her?” you asked him.

“Gahd no, she’s like Regina George” Chris scoffed.

Your jaw dropped and Chris had to stop himself from laughing because it was a cute sight “Do you just reference mean girls?” you muttered in disbelief.

Chris gave you a lopsided smile “I’ve got sisters remember”

You chuckled weakly “Well she definitely was a mean girl tonight” You sighed.

“That’s a shame, it’s not nice being around someone who's being mean to strangers for no reason,” Chris said shaking his head.

“It wasn’t strangers” you muttered under your breath, Chris wasn’t sure if you meant for him to hear it but he did.

He froze, putting his hand on your arm to stop you “Wait, was she mean to you?” he asked, anger prickling under his skin.

You opened and shut your mouth a couple of times before shaking your head “It was nothing”

Chris wasn’t gonna let you brush this off any longer “It clearly wasn’t, c’mon you can tell me, we’re buddies right?”

“Look they were really judgy of me and how I was dressed and a bunch of other things” you sighed waving it off.

“How you were dressed? Fuck you look amazing, you caught my attention from across the road” Chris said shaking his head in confusion.

You gave him a weak smile before turning to continue walking towards your apartment “Thanks, I was a bit overdressed though” you admitted.

Chris shrugged “No you weren’t you look like you’re out for a night out, if they thought you were overdressed then they were underdressed” he pointed out.

You let out a small chuckle “Guess I can’t fault that logic” you said.

“It’s a bit shitty that they said it to you though” Chris sighed shaking his head.

“They didn’t, well, not really, I went to the bathroom and they didn’t know and followed me in a decided to chat shit” you explained.

“What else did they say?” Chris asked picking up on the fact there must have been more said.

You let out a long sigh but remain silent. Looking over Chris could see your lips were pursed as if you were trying to decide if you wanted to tell him or how to tell him.

“They said I was a nepo baby and that I was only a medic so I could get up close and personal with hot rugby players” you finally said.

“What the actual fuck!” Chris exclaimed loudly “That’s utter bullshit, you’re one of the best medics we’ve ever had”

You let out a small scoff “Thanks but look don’t worry about it just typical slut shaming”

“No, I am because it’s not on and it’s clearly upsetting you! Do they know about us? Is that the problem?” Chris asked.

You shook your head “No she just said we were close, same with Johnny” you sighed.

“That’s good at least,” Chris said earning another small scoff from you “Look don’t listen to anything she or those other girls say, they’re just jealous because you get to hang out with us guys and we don’t like them enough to hang out with them, what they’re saying is just their insecurities projected onto you” he continued softly.

“I dunno” you sighed shaking your head.

“Trust me, we’ve all been subjected to Sam throwing herself at us at Christmas and end-of-season parties, if anyone is trying to get up close and personal with us it's her” Chris explained trying to suppress the shudder that passed through his body when he recalled the last Christmas party when she tried to grind her hips against him despite his efforts to get away “we like you Y/N all of us, which is why we hang out with you so don’t listen to them, you’re a badass who doesn’t need to worry about their opinions”

You stopped and turned back around to face him, your eyes damp as you looked up at him “Thanks Chris… it’s nice to know you’re on my side”

Chris put a comforting hand on your shoulder “it's nothing” he said before looking up and realising you were outside your apartment building “Are you okay now? I can stick around if you want”

You gave him a brave smile and shook your head “No I'm good thanks, you should head back to the guys, I said I’d call Tommi when I got in to talk about everything anyway”

Chris nodded trying not to look too disappointed. He didn’t want to leave you just yet, not just because you still weren’t 100% yourself again but because he just felt this need to be with you.

“Sure, well I’ll see you tomorrow at the game” he nodded.

“Yeah see you tomorrow, thanks for walking me home by the way” You smiled softly.

“It was nothing…” he said trying to think of something to say to allow him to stay a little longer but he couldn’t “See you tomorrow” he repeated quickly, giving you a quick hug before turning on his heels and heading back the way he came.

He didn’t go far though, staying just close enough to watch and make sure you got inside the building and the lights went on in your apartment. He stayed another moment more before letting out a long sigh and making his way home.

Chris climbed out of his car and brushed down his tie before moving to grab his kitbag from his trunk. There weren’t many fans here yet since the team met at the stadium a whole 2 hours before kickoff, but there were always a few dedicated fans who turned up early. Chris gave them a wave as he walked from his car to the team entrance, even stopping to take a couple of photos with young fans.

Once inside the building, he walked down the corridor that would lead him to the team’s changing room. He nodded hello to any other members of staff he crossed, including the team photographer who was capturing the team’s arrival. The only people he wouldn’t say hello to would be Sam and her other mean girls, but he rarely saw them anyway.

The one person he did want to see though was you. He just wanted to know you were okay after last night. You seemed better when he left you compared to when he found you but you still weren’t yourself. He hadn’t seen you yet though which wasn’t unusual but it still bothered him.

He walked into the team changing room, not everyone was there yet but there were a few. Including Johnny who walked over to greet Chris, shaking his hand.

“Hey Storm, you’re not usually here this early” Chris commented.

Johnny shrugged “Got ready earlier than usual, you missed a good night last night”

“Sorry to hear it, hope you guys didn’t go too crazy” Chris said with a pointed look.

“Nah don’t you worry, we kept it chilled” Johnny reassured him with a clap on the shoulder “Was she okay?” he then asked his voice low.

Chris nodded “Fine, bit of a shit night out that's all, she was with the ticket office mean girls” he explained quietly.

Johnny pulled a face “god no wonder she thought it was shit” he grimaced “but glad she’s okay”

Chris nodded “Me too” he sighed even though he wasn’t confident that you were okay.

Johnny clapped Chris on the shoulder once more before turning and heading back to his cubby. Chris walked over to his, dumping his bag and opening it up to pull out what he needed. His kit was already hung up by the kit manager, he just needed his boots and gumshield.

He was about to start getting changed but before he even managed to get his suit off he felt this urge to make sure you were okay. It was like someone had flipped a switch and there was this animalistic desire to find you, one that he couldn’t ignore.

He mumbled a quick excuse before walking back out of the changing room. He made his way straight to the medic room where he would find you. To his surprise you weren’t in there, one of the other medics was instead.

“Hey, everything okay? Do you need anything?” the medic asked as he packed his bag.

Chris shook his head “Uh no, just- no” Chris stuttered as he tried and failed to think of an excuse “Are the other medics on the field already?” he then asked.

The medic nodded his head “Yeah they’re just prepping the bench”

Chris nodded despite wanting to curse. He wasn’t allowed out onto the pitch until warm-ups which meant he wouldn’t get the chance to ask you if you were okay. He couldn’t quench his desire to ensure you were okay.

“Cool thank you” Chris said before turning on his heel and walking back out towards the changing room.

He would just have to get over it and get his head in the game. He couldn’t be distracted thinking about whether you were okay, he needed to focus on the game and just hope that you were.

He was halfway back to the changing room when he crossed paths with your dad “Ah Evans just the person I wanted to talk to” he said.

“Everything alright sir?” Chris asked.

Coach Y/L/N nodded before gesturing with his finger “Yeah follow me” he said.

Chris followed him down the corridor before realising he was heading towards his office. Chris mentally cursed, had your dad somehow clocked on to your little arrangement? Was that why he couldn’t find you, because you were in your dad’s office?

To Chris’ relief, you weren’t inside your dad’s office but that didn’t mean he was off the hook, he was desperate to ask what was going on but he kept quiet.

“Right, I just wanted to ask you about this” Coach Y/L/N said pointing down to a piece of paper which was a printout of an online news article from a rugby news site.

Chris took a closer look and cursed silently, it was a picture of you and Chris walking home together last night. The photo was thankfully completely innocent, taken before Chris managed to get you to open up. His hands were in his pockets and your arms wrapped around your waist. However, that didn’t stop the site from speculating whether you were Chris’ new fling.

“Oh, oh this is nothing, sir, I promise,” Chris said with a shake of his head.

Your dad arched a brow “it is?”

Chris nodded “Yeah I was out with the guys last night for a meal to celebrate Ari’s birthday, when we left we spotted Y/N leaving a bar alone so I said I’d go make sure she was okay and ended up walking her home”

Your dad nodded his head slowly “Right okay, and was she? She doesn’t look okay to me”

Chris sighed wondering how much to say “Have you spoken to her sir?” he asked instead, your dad shook his head in answer “Well she didn’t tell me much but she said she went out with some of the girls from the ticket office and it wasn’t as fun as she thought but she seemed better by the time I left her”

Your dad nodded his head knowingly “That’s reassuring to know, and I will ask to thank you”

Chris smiled at him “It’s nothing, I’m sorry we got papped and made it look like something was going on, I just wanted to make sure she was okay and got home safe, absolutely nothing between us we’re just friends” he said hoping your dad didn’t see through his white lie.

Your dad snorted “I should hope not, you know better than that Evans” he warned “But thank you, I really appreciate it the past few months haven’t been easy for her so it’s good to know she has people looking out for her over here” he said.

Chris felt his mouth go dry and his throat constricted at the not-so-veiled warning your dad had just sent his way. It was clear that your dad wanted none of the team dating you, there would be no exceptions. The warning wasn’t enough to put Chris off though, he couldn’t give up the electric feeling he felt when he was with you. The team was also on a winning streak and Chris wasn’t a superstitious man but he also wasn’t gonna risk it.

“Of course sir” he coughed “No need to worry about me… is there anything else you need?”

Your dad shook his head “No, just go out there and win”

Chris smirked as he saluted “Yes boss”

Chris made his way back to the changing room to prepare himself for the game. Despite everything Chris managed to get his head in the game with no issue at all. He felt ready to get out there and win. He was still worried about you but he could still focus, the two things weren’t mutually exclusive.

When Chris finally stepped out onto the pitch and saw you his worries were somewhat soothed. You seemed fine, okay even, but something was still different. It wasn’t something he could work out until the match started and he watched you jog on to help Johnny who needed some strapping on his knee.

Chris watched as you worked and saw the dynamic was completely different. Usually, you were all jokes and smiles as you worked but now you were straight face, you barely reacted to Johnny’s quips you just worked. You were being strictly professional.

You weren’t okay, what had happened last night was still playing on your mind and making you change the way you behaved. It pissed Chris off because you shouldn’t have to change how you acted around the team because of the opinions of people who really weren’t worth the trouble. Other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter full stop.

Chris decided that he wasn’t going to let this carry on any longer, as soon as this match was over he was gonna pay you a visit and build you back up until the opinion of Sam didn’t matter.

As it turned out though he didn’t need to wait for the end of the match. After completing a kick Chris felt a twinge in his upper thigh right by his hip. It was one that he would usually just play on for, it was one he could run off. But instead, he sat himself down on the pitch, wincing in pain waiting for you to come over.

“What’s wrong?” you asked once you jogged over to him, putting your medical bag down as you crouched.

“Twinge in my thigh, right here” he said pointing to the side of his thigh.

Normally you probably would have made some joke that included an innuendo but you just nodded “Okay let’s stretch it out, lie back and give me your leg” you said holding out your hand to catch his ankle.

Chris did as he was told, lifting up his leg ready to stretch. To lift it high enough and provide some resistance you lifted his ankle so it was resting on your shoulder. A smirk played on Chris’ lips at the sight.

He scratched his beard to hide his lips from sight as he said “You know it’s usually your leg on my shoulder, not the other way around”

Your eyes widened and he saw the ghost of a smile play at your lips “Chris” you hissed, no venom in your voice at all.

“I actually quite like the view, maybe you should be on top more” he smirked.

You shot him another look but he could see your defences falling, even if you were still desperately trying to act strictly professional.

“How are you feeling?” you asked him.

“Much better, you’ve got the magic touch” he grinned as he sat back up.

You let out a small snort and shook your head before passing him a bottle “rehydrate” you ordered.

He took the bottle from you and squeezed some water into his mouth. He watched as you packed your bag back up, your sight set firmly on the task instead of him. A mischievous grin grew on his face when an idea popped into his head. It was a dangerous idea but if it worked it would definitely bring back your smile.

While your attention was still on the bag Chris twisted the bottle around so when he squeezed it the water would squirt out at you instead of into his mouth. You clearly were paying more attention than you let on though as before he got the chance to squeeze the bottle you reached out, grabbed it and spun it back around the face him, the water squirting into his face instead.

Chris spluttered in surprise, but despite his plan backfiring it still worked as you were trying and failing to hold back a laugh. Chris grinned back at you and shook his head, water droplets running off his face.

“Nice try Evans” you smirked snatching the bottle back and putting it in your pack as you stood up.

You held out your hand to help him up which he gladly took “It worked though” he said quietly, you tilted your head in confusion “It got you to smile” he explained making your lips part in surprise “Don’t let the opinion of others stop you from being you” he added quietly before jogging off to go rejoin his team.

When he met his team in the huddle ready to give some instructions for the next phase of play, he spared a glance over to you as you jogged back off the pitch. A smile played on his lips as he spotted the one you hid with a bowed head. You might not be 100% fine but you were better and more yourself and that was all Chris could hope for. He’d work on getting you back to 100% later after he won this game.

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Wicked Fantasies Part 9 (MBJxOC)

A/N: I hate how small the gif is... and this is wayyy later than I expected. Enjoy :)

Raven savored the brief moment of serenity when she woke up, a blessed respite from the knowledge that her world was about to come crashing down. It ended as soon as she remembered she had a shift at the library, meaning she could not burrow into the softness and comfort of her own bed when everything fell apart as she hoped to. But Raven had too much practice putting on a brave face when everything in her would rather break down. 

She could not help but feel thankful when she checked her social media accounts that all was quiet… for now. Aside from a few texts and missed calls from Michael, which were all just his worried musings and checking up on her. The heaviness that settled in her soul since last night lifted at his concern and care, his promises that they would chart a path through this.

But she knew in her heart that the path could not include her. She emotionally prepared herself, as she went through the mundane activities of her morning, that he would break up with her when she went to his house later. There seemed to be no other logical choice or option. How could a man of his stature, at the height of his career, be associated with the likes of her? She was nothing more than a washed up, blacklisted author turned prostitute. 

She even wondered if it would ease the hurt if she beat him to it. Would it break her heart less if she took control of her own life and ended things on his behalf? It would certainly preserve her memories of him. If their brief love story had to end, she would rather it end on a high note like they were last night. That was the last memory she wanted of them, carefree and happy. She needed that memory… she did not see many happy days ahead in her future at the moment. 

Rae: Sorry, fell asleep. I’m ok… forgot I had a shift this afternoon so gonna get ready to head to the library.

Bakari: You sure? Maybe you should call in sick? 

Rae: Too late for that. I’ll be fine. 

Bakari: Allen’ll be there at the end of your shift. 6 right? He’ll bring you to the house. 

Rae: ok. 

Raven’s morning was punctuated by her checking her phone every couple of minutes as if she was waiting for a bomb to go off. And in some ways, she was. She felt utterly useless at work, distracted by her phone and her own all-consuming self pity. She found the usual mask of happiness she used to force herself to wear to be difficult to maintain today. Even when several of her kids came in after school to do their homework, she could not bring herself to interact with them beyond a brief hello. Anything more made her want to break down in tears. She had not even considered that they would read all about her on social media at some point. She would never know most of the world to care what they thought about her but these kids saw her as a role model. It was another blow to her already abysmal confidence and self worth to wonder what they, their parents, and her colleagues would think of her. 

The mere thought caused her eyes to well up with tears.

“Ok Rae… can’t cry at work,” she muttered to herself as she hastily wiped away her tears. “Enough of this.” She grabbed her phone and put it on DND and stuffed it in her purse. Her obsession would not will the article to come out any faster so there was no sense in checking every second.

She forced herself to focus on her work, offering to do every menial but distracting task she could to occupy her brain. And it worked for a few hours… until it didn’t. 

“Hey Raven,” one of her colleagues, Melody, rushed over to her while she returned a cart of books to their respective shelves. 

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked as she stretched to put a book on a higher shelf. 

“Have you seen this??” Melody handed Raven her phone once she turned and directed her full attention to her.

Raven’s hand braced herself on one of the wooden shelves as she read the headline of the article. 

Exclusive: Source reveals Actor Michael B Jordan’s long history with prostitutes including his girlfriend

Raven did not even read the full article, merely skimming the first two paragraphs and one of the several featured pictures of them. As soon as she reached the first mention of herself, a line calling out that she was paid to have sex with Michael by his friends and that their entire relationship was a sham, she shoved it back into Melody’s hands. 

Her breathing felt erratic and short as she angled her face and body away from Melody. She was not sure if she wanted to deny it or just admit that it was true. Now part of her wished she had stayed and talked to Michael last night, just to understand what she should even say. She did not have many friends in her life but Melody was a good work friend she had gained. She was everything Raven had always wished she was: confident, whole, and happy. But she did not know Melody well enough for her to be the person she broke down in front of. 

However, thankfully, in her silence, Melody did not even give her a chance to answer. The woman just waved her head dismissively and stuffed her phone back in the pocket of her dress. 

“You know how these tabloids are. They don’t fact check, don’t confirm shit.” Melody responded with a half smile and a shrug. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Michael’s people will fix it, get them to post a retraction. No one who knows you is ever gonna believe this, Raven.” 

She offered her a supportive rub on the back before leaving Raven alone in the autobiographies section. She was gone for several minutes before Raven even realized she had not said a word in response. All of her limbs felt unresponsive. She did not understand how she had both been preparing for this all day and somehow still felt caught off guard. She supposed there was something to be said about preparing for something in theory and the reality of it. And even with hours to brace for it, the reality still felt like she had been hit by a train. 

She forced herself, with shaky hands, to continue her task. Her shift only had a few hours left and she refused to tuck in her tail and run. She could immediately tell who read the article and who had not just by stares and looks she received. She ignored most of them but the hardest ones were from her kids, who kept looking at her every time she passed before putting their heads back together. She forced herself to hold her head high and pretend as if nothing was wrong, despite how painful that was. She did not want to lie to anyone but she also did not care to admit that every word of the article was true. This was a lose-lose situation and she felt every ounce of it.

She was unsurprised to see missed calls and texts when she finally took her phone off DND. So many, she did not even realize that many people had her number. She did not read all of the texts but she could see that half of them were from Michael and his family checking on her. She did not have the heart to open any of them. 

The Jordans had opened their home and lives to her, treated her like family when no one else in this world had. And this was how she repaid that kindness? By ruining their son’s life and reputation. 

That’s all you know how to do, a voice rang out in her head. Ruin lives. 

The only one she opened was from Allen letting her know he was outside and waiting when she was ready. 

The last hour of her shift dragged by at a painstaking pace. No one else mentioned the article, at least not to her face. But that did not stop her from hearing the whispers or noticing the disgusted glares she received from some of the moms with their children. 

No one who knows me will believe it. Clearly that’s not true. 

She sighed as she packed up her stuff, realizing that the worst part of her day was still to come. She felt as if she was marching to the guillotine, certain death awaited her and there was no stopping it. 

She said a quiet goodnight to Melody before rushing outside. However, as soon as she stepped outside to walk around the building to the parking lot, she was accosted by paparazzi. 

She staggered backwards at the bright flashes in her face, blinding her as she tried to see through the crowd to get away from them. Every one of her senses were overwhelmed by the lights and their yelling at her, assaulting her with too many questions for her to reasonably answer even if she wanted to.

“Is the article true??” 

“How many men had paid for you before Michael?” 

“How much did he pay for you?” 

“Are you still having sex for money?” 

“Is your relationship real?” 

“Is it true you used to be a stripper??” 

“Are you and Michael done?” 

Raven put her tote bag in front of her face to hide it, now stained with tears that she could not hold in. It was as if they had stolen all the air with their presence, Raven could not even get enough breath into her lungs to beg them to let her through. Raven could feel herself being backed up toward the doors of the library again. However, she did not want to open the door and bring more spectators to this embarrassing swarm. She felt completely trapped. 

“Get back! All of you!” An authoritative woman’s voice demanded as she gripped Raven by the arm and forced her backward. Raven immediately recognized the voice as Melody’s and did not resist the tug of her hand as she pulled her back into the library’s entrance and locked the door behind them. 

Melody continued guiding Raven, as if she knew this was the only way to get her legs to move, until they reached the staff lounge in the back of the library. 

“Fucking vultures!” She immediately ranted as she forced Raven to sit down in one of the chairs, Raven’s head immediately fell into her hands as she tried to stave off a looming panic attack. She could feel it around the edges of her brain, slowly consuming all of her rational thoughts and feelings. She tried to take long slow breaths to fill her lungs again, each one as shaky as the last.  “Never seen anything like it. You ok, sis? Can’t believe they’re doing all this over a fake story.” 

“It’s not… it’s not fake. Every word is true,” she whispered. The admission was out of her mouth before Raven even had the conscious thought to stop herself. She lifted her head in shock at herself before looking at Melody whose facial expression had not changed. 

Melody let out a low whistle. “You’ve been holding out on me! You’re more interesting than I thought,” she mused as she handed Raven a bottle of water and sat down across from her. “Drink. It’s always the quiet ones though, I guess.”  

Raven’s hand paused as it brought the bottle to her lips. “That’s it?” 

“Not my place to judge you for doing what you needed to or wanted or whatever. Not to sound like a damn protest poster but sex work is work. I can tell you that whatever your reason, no one deserves all that out there or have their business plastered across the news.” 

Raven let out a soft sob at her words, not realizing just how badly she needed to hear that from someone who was not obligated to say it. She took the Kleenex Melody offered her. 

“Thanks… I needed that.” She let out a watery sigh. “Shit. I dunno what I’m g-gonna do… the things everyone is probably saying about me…” Raven muttered. “A-and when Kristen sees this, fuck… I’m gonna get fired.” 

Melody shook her head. “Hey, Kristen is annoying but she isn’t evil. People get through worse shit than having sex for money unscathed. And who cares what a bunch of incels and pick-mes say? You have your family and friends and your support system and you’ll get through this.” 

Raven let out a quiet, bitter laugh. “Yea… a support system… I just have Michael. No family, few friends. And now I’m probably gonna lose him too.” A fresh wave of tears started to fall before Raven shook her head, realizing that she was bearing her soul to a woman she was only talked to at work. “S-Sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you. T-thanks for your help out there.” Raven stood and grabbed her purse and started to walk to the door when Melody stopped her. 

“Well you have Michael, a few friends… and you have me. Text, call, whatever, anytime you want to talk, ok? I mean it.” 

Raven raised an eyebrow at her in confusion. “Really? You know you don’t have to be nice to me. I’ll be ok.” 

“I know you’ll be ok. But I like you, Raven. Which means I’m in your corner. Whatever you need, call me.  Stay off social and let this shit pass. Now, call that driver of yours and tell him to meet you around the back so you can go home. I’ll take your shift tomorrow.” 

Raven stared at her for a few moments as if she was just seeing her for the first time. She  pulled out her phone and shot off a quick message to Allen before heading toward the back exit. However, before she left, she turned back to Melody. 

“Thanks. I did… do… need someone in my corner.”

“Now you’ve got one,” she grinned before waving and taking off toward the front entrance to finish closing down the library. 

Raven stared at her for a few moments before heading outside. She braced herself for an onslaught of flashing, her entire body deflating with relief as she only found Allen waiting to take her home. Well to Michael’s, which had started to feel like home to her. But for the first time, it did not feel like she was retreating to her safe space and sanctuary. It felt as if she was speeding toward the end. 

***

Michael could have worn a hole in his carpet with his incessant pacing around his living room as he waited for Raven to arrive. She had been uncommunicative with him since she went home last night and he hated it. Michael understood her need to process on her own but he could not change how out of control that made him feel. He wanted her there with him, not spinning out on her own. 

He did the right thing. Or at least that was what he continued to tell himself to assure him. He tossed and turned all night, reviewing the last month with a fine tooth comb and he had made the right decision. The only decision. The only thing that did not sit right in his review were his lies to Raven to get here. They sat like rocks in the pit of his stomach, heavy and nauseating. He had justified all of them by saying he was protecting Raven’s peace by hiding what happened with Tasha but he did not expect them to haunt him quite like this. He stomped the feeling down. He played the best hand he had with the shitty cards Tasha dealt him. 

He assured himself that it was all worth it when the coverage from reputable publications played out exactly as he and his team intended. Most focused on him, examining how this was yet another example of his terrible playboy image. However, social media and sites like the Shade Room focused their sexist attacks on Raven, which was maddening but not surprising. But Alex assured him, and he agreed, that this was the best they could have hoped for. 

A buzzing from his phone pulled him out of his thoughts. He hoped it was Raven, however, he narrowed his eyes when he realized it was Tasha. He needed to block her number, immediately. He answered, praying this would be the last time he ever had to hear her voice. 

“I’m at your gate. Let me in.” She immediately demanded, Michael could hear the rage vibrating off every syllable. 

“Fuck no. You lost, Tash. It’s over.” 

“Fine. Leave me out here and I’ll call Raven and tell her how you destroyed her life. Let. Me. In.” 

Michael ran his hand over his face, frustration coursing through him. He went to the alarm system on his phone and opened the gate for her, praying he had enough time to get rid of her before Raven arrived. He was playing with fire and he knew it. 

Before he let her in, he made her leave her phone and purse in her car. He refused to get caught on tape and give her more ammunition to use against him.

“How the fuck you know where I live?” 

“You think I fucked you for two years straight and didn’t learn a thing or two about you? Nigga please,” Tasha muttered as she breezed into his foyer. Michael watched as she walked deeper into the house to  his living room, anger wafting off of her being in waves. “What the fuck, Michael??” 

Michael sat down on the arm of one of his chairs and folded his arms with a smirk. “What? Sad to see your million dollar story on TMZ? Seems someone hates me more than you do and beat you to it. Blackmail ain’t shit without leverage. You lost, T. Played a good game though, had me backed into a corner.” 

She scoffed and shook her head. “‘Someone beat me to it??’ You did! You leaked this! And got me fuckin’ fired me because of it. I-I’ll tell Raven.”

“Tell her what? That we met twice in a hotel? Fine. Tell her you were extortin’ me for money? Be my fuckin’ guest. But promise you, she’ll never believe you without proof. Which I know you don’t have cause there is none. And no one in my camp would ever admit to leakin’ a story that could hurt me. And your job… well… can’t start a war and be mad when you get hit. You threatened my girl… all bets are off.” 

“How’d you even convince Helen? I’m the best girl she’s got.” 

“Because unlike you, the only thing Helen cares about is money. So when I threatened to tell every client I ever brought her that her girls were extortionists… well, she saw the business case for lettin’ you go. Good luck findin’ another gig once Helen’s through with you. She’ll make what you tried to do to Raven look like fuckin’ child’s play.” He closed the space between the two of them, standing tall before her. He dropped his voice low, every word laced with authority. “Fuck with me all you want, I’m built for it and I can take it. But don’t fuck with Raven ever again. Now get outta my fuckin’ house and outta my life.”

Tasha scoffed. “You think you’re a big nigga, huh? Congrats. But… pretty sure this ain’t gon’ go the way you think.” 

Michael folded his arms. “How you figure that?” 

“You don’t think the guilt of knowing you leaked this shit isn’t gonna eat you alive? When precious soft Raven is crying in your arms every night because the entire internet is calling her a whore and a slut and trash and every other terrible thing they can think of? When they dox her apartment and she doesn’t feel safe at home? Or her job and get her fired? You think you’ll be able to sit by and watch her lose everything knowing you’re the reason and you did it behind her back?” 

“I did it to protect her.” 

“Maybe… But you also did it to fuck with me. You burned me, true. But you also burned her and when she finds out, I don’t think she’ll be quick to forgive you. But hey, you know her better than I do. What do you think?” Her hand ran up his chest as she spoke, a smirk on her face. 

Michael felt his hand clench in a fist as her words struck a chord so deep in him that he wanted to scream. He gently removed her hand from his body. 

“I did what I had to to get you outta my life and protect Rae as best I could. Try to twist that all you want but I did what had to be done. But the reasons don’t matter. She’ll never find out.” 

Tasha took a step back, a smirk on her face as she leaned her head toward the door. “You sure about that?” 

Michael whipped around to find Raven frozen in the entryway between his kitchen and living room. 

“Well… I believe my work here is done. I’ll leave you two to it. Don’t worry, I know the way out.” 

Tasha offered them both a smug look of victory before she sauntered out the door. However, Raven did not even spare her a glance, she only had eyes for Michael. Before she knew it, she found herself standing in front of him. 

“Y-You leaked this?” Raven whispered, the shock and hurt spreading through her stripped her voice of anger or menace. Even if she had not overheard the end of their conversation, the look of guilt on his face gave her every answer she needed. 

“Raven…” 

She raised her hand to stop him. She did not want to hear anything other than the answer to her question.  “Did. You. Leak. This?” 

She took his perpetual silence for what it was: an admission of guilt. Raven felt everything inside her start to crumble. All she felt was anger, betrayal and a pain so severe she thought it could end her. And all of it was so overwhelming, she did not know if there was room in her body to feel anything else. 

“Baby! Baby, baby, baby… calm down and listen to me, please,” Michael stressed, grabbing her hand and pulling her into his chest as she tried to walk away. “I promise you, this ain’t what you think.” 

Raven wildly pushed against his hard chest, wrestling her way out of his embrace. His embrace which once felt like home and safety and care now felt tainted, painful and prickly as if his arms were covered by a million sharp needles. 

“I think my entire life is falling apart, literally. And my boyfriend, who claimed to love me, is here with another woman he used to sleep with. H-How could you?? Y-You knew I-I was coming over! D-did you want me to walk in and find you two?? Did you…” her eyes grew wide as the realization hit her and stole the very breath from her lungs. She took a tentative step back from him, which he tried to follow, but she raised her hand to stop him. “Did you… l-leak this so you could be with her?” 

Michael wished the accusation had been so absurd but he could 100% see how this situation looked and the picture was beyond ugly… it was heinous. However, the last part was so outlandish that he could not ignore it. “I didn’t do it to be with her! I did it so she couldn’t and to protect you.” 

“Protect me??”  She let out a soft gasp. “You told the entire fucking world I was a prostitute to PROTECT ME??” 

“Raven, let’s just go up to my room and talk and I can explain it.” 

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

She started to race back toward the front door, desperate to put as much space between her and Michael as possible, her mind reeling with how he betrayed her, how he destroyed her. She could not trust or believe a word he said because from her vantage point, everything he said since the night they met was a complete and utter lie. 

“Raven, I swear to you,” he called as he raced after her, ignoring the questioning looks of his parents as they emerged from upstairs to the spectacle in the foyer. “I swear on my life, I did this to protect you! Tasha was gonna leak it anyway so I beat her to it to get ahead of it. I swear!” 

“Protect me?? This is protection?? Fucking obliterating my name and life is protection?? And why should I even believe a single word that comes out of your fucking mouth?? You said you weren’t talking to Tasha anymore. You said no other woman had ever been to this house yet she seemed pretty fucking cozy! You said you didn’t care about my past and that you wanted me but that clearly isn’t true! W-what happened?” she demanded, cutting off his increasingly desperate attempts to get her to calm down enough to listen to him. “Someone on the team reminded you that a man like you can’t be associated with trash?” She asked bitterly. “That you’re too good and perfect to be sullied by someone like me? Can’t turn a whore into a housewife, right? So what? It was easier to destroy me than just break up with me? I didn’t believe I d-deserved you anyway. But you convinced me! You convinced me I was worthy of you, deserving of you. That you wanted more, that you loved me. W-was it all just a game?? Am I just a game to you? Another conquest to add to your list??” 

Michael rushed forward and grabbed her arms to pull her into his chest. She fought against his grasp but he was too strong for her. She refused to look at him, if she did, the tears she was holding back would rush forward. She would have to acknowledge the depths of the hurt she felt and right now, the only safe thing she could feel was anger. 

“You have to believe me, Rae. Baby girl. I love you. I’m in love with you. You have to know that, you have to believe that!” 

“I believed you when you said I was enough, I believed you when you said you loved me. T-those were clearly lies. B-Because this,” she shook her head as her voice broke slightly. “T-this isn’t love. Cheating on me… lying to me. Going behind my back, making decisions that affect my life without t-telling me… M-Maybe too many books have rotted my brain and I n-never knew what love o-or protection a-and care were. Because if this is it? Then I don’t want it. From you or anyone else ever again.” 

His grip slacked as her words felt like a sucker punch to his entire being, allowing her to break.

“Wanted me out of your life? Then congrats.” Her march toward his front door was far more measured than she felt. Inside, she was melting down but she refused to break the little composure she had. She paused for a moment as she opened his door, her weight bearing down on the heavy brass handle. “You know… I was coming over here to offer to end things. T-to walk away if that was what you needed, if that would h-help m-make this easier for you. I-If you had just told me…” She hated how her voice broke and a few tears escaped their barricades. She was broken but she refused to let him or any of them see her shatter. “I-It would’ve killed me but I would’ve done it. Because that’s how much I loved you. But you… you don’t love me. You’re like everyone else in my life, lying and using me to get what you want and then t-throwing me aside like garbage w-when you’re done. A-and maybe y’all are right? M-Maybe that’s all I d-deserve.” She sniffled a bit before wiping her cheeks. “Y-You convinced me to jump with you. A-and I did because I thought… I thought you were d-different. But I should’ve known. I’ll never make that mistake again. Bye Michael.” 

Raven slammed the door behind her, her body pausing to lean against the railing that framed his front steps. Her physical body felt on the verge of collapse. Is this what heartbreak felt like? Because she felt as if she could physically die from this hurt, this ache that was so deep it felt like it was siphoning away the strength of her very bones. So much pain that she just wanted to collapse to the ground and never get up again.

“Ms. Turner?” 

She glanced up through her blurry eyes to find Allen standing in front of her, the older man’s face painted in concern. 

“Let’s get you home.” He gestured toward the car that drove her there. 

“I j-just broke up with your boss. Don’t think he.. he’ll want you to drive me.” 

“I know Mr. Jordan, he will want to make sure you get home safely. And if he gets upset then he isn’t the type of man I’d want to work for. Come on, you shouldn’t Uber or wander around in this state.” 

She allowed the older man to lead her to the car. She refused to look back at Michael’s house or mourn anything she left behind there. None of it had been real anyway. He could keep all of it along with the pieces of her heart he took. She did not want that anymore either. 

Raven ignored the incessant buzzing of her phone the entire ride, she did not look at her texts or missed calls. She knew who all of them were from. She had the right mind to delete and block his number but she was not strong enough for that, not yet anyway. 

She spent the entire ride reviewing their relationship, the last few months on replay over and over again. How could she have let herself fall into this trap? Tasha had warned her… there was no warmth or kindness to be found with him. But she let him play her like a fucking fiddle, spinning some tale of a misunderstood, heartbroken good guy. And she had fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. She was too gullible, too trusting, too willing to give people opportunities even when they had done nothing to deserve them. She had thought Michael was different, that he would be on her short list of people that showed up and cared for her. 

But no, instead he was like most of the people she had come across in her life. Only somehow it was worse because he had lulled her into a false sense of security before unveiling the worst he had to offer. Even to the bitter end, he claimed to love her and that he wanted to protect her. From her vantage point, the only thing she needed protection from was him and her own foolish, idiotic heart. 

By the time Allen reached her block, her body was vibrating as she tried her best to hold in her sobs. It did not help that a horde of paparazzi were camped outside her building, circling like vultures to inspect the wreckage that was her life since he turned her into a joke and spectacle. She did not even understand how they discovered where she lived. 

He probably told them, a voice in her head supplied. 

“Is there a back entrance or side entrance?” Allen glanced back at her, pulling off to the side before driving to her front door. 

“U-Um yea, t-there’s a back entrance….” 

“Ok, I’m gonna pull around there so you can avoid all this.” 

“T-Thank you.” Her voice shook as she tried to control her breathing. It would just be a few more minutes and then she could fall apart. 

She had not even realized the car stopped until Allen walked around and opened her car door for her. He helped her out, her entire body shaking so much her legs could barely hold up her weight. 

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok? I can walk you up?” 

She immediately shook her head. “N-No. Y-You’ve done enough. T-thank…” her voice died off in a whisper as a sob broke through. She turned her head away from him and wiped her tears, stuffing the emotions back down. “T-thank you,” she repeated in a stronger voice with a smile she and the driver knew was utterly fake. 

“Take care of yourself, Ms. Turner,” he offered solemnly. 

The avalanche was hurdling so fast toward her, she could not even open her mouth to speak. She merely turned and raced into her building, her eyes trained on the floor as she went up the elevator and to her front door. She knew her roommate was at work, thankfully, so she slipped inside and immediately went to her bedroom. 

She shed her clothes and slid on a baggy t-shirt, not even realizing that it was one of Michael’s she had stolen. She did not realize until she realized it smelled just like him as if he had just sprayed his cologne on it. Everything in her wanted to bury her face in it and be comforted by him, have him ease her soul like he always did. But then her brain reminded her that he was the cause of this agony, not the cure. 

She ripped the shirt off of her body and threw it angrily in the corner before forcing a random sweatshirt onto her nude body. She curled into bed and let out a shaky breath as her body realized she was finally alone. And then she felt the entire dam burst and every emotion came rushing out of her in sobs that were painful to feel. But she could not stop them, could not slow them down, and could not see a way out of the black hole of despair they pulled her into. 

Michael had broken her. No, he destroyed her. And there was no hope of putting her back together again. 

***

“So ‘I told you so’ would be totally outta line here, huh?” Alex asked as she laid back on the couch in Michael’s office, her heels thrown lazily on the floor.. 

“Fuck yea, Alex,” he growled, his anger getting the better of him. 

She raised her hands in surrender. “Understood. Will keep that to myself then. Listen, I know women… give her some time. She’ll come around.” 

Michael eyed her, part of him wanting desperately to believe her but he could hear the uncertainty in her voice. She was trying to placate and assure him but it would not work. Of all the fuck ups that marred his relationships and adult life, this was hands down the worst one. 

He did not need or want a lecture from Alex when he had just sat through a two-hour scolding from his entire family. His mother and sister ripped him a new one when he finally admitted to them the truth about he and Raven and what he had done. They all but told him that he would be lucky if Raven ever spoke to him again, let alone tried to forgive him after lying to her for over a month. 

He tried to explain his reasoning but they made it clear that the reasoning did not matter one bit. All Raven knew was that he lied and he broke her trust. His intentions were pointless when the impact was so severe. 

He tried calling Raven again. He was thankful Allen, at least, assured him she made it into her building safelt. But Allen did not have any other insights to offer him and Michael wondered if the older man would even share them if he had. Michael could hear the disappointment in every word as they spoke on the phone. 

It was almost midnight and he had to hear her voice. Her voicemail message was the best he could get but he would keep calling until she answered him.

“Ok well stop callin’ her like that. It’s giving stalker. No girl wants that.” 

“She left her thinkin’ I did all this to be with Tasha. I can’t let her believe that. I need her to talk to me.” 

Alex grabbed his phone and ripped it out of his hand as he went to call her again. “I can assure you… this ain’t the way. You aren’t gonna harass her enough into talking to you. She doesn’t… ok,” she sighed. “I know you aren’t gonna want to hear this but it’s time for some tough love. You fucked up, Michael. I tried to warn you and you didn’t listen because you’re an Alpha male who thinks he knows best when you really don’t. Being in one semi-successful relationship for a few months didn’t make you an expert. You fucked up and you hurt her. And now, for once, you have to wait for her. Maybe she’ll call you and want to talk tomorrow. Maybe in a month. Maybe… honestly, never. And that would be her right. You kept secrets, you lied, and you went behind her back and threw a grenade that blew up her life.” 

“But Tasha -” he started to defend himself when Alex cut him off. 

“What we did was the smart move, the only move. But you should have told her. Defend yourself all you want, blame Tasha all you want but I fuckin’ know you, Mike. This isn’t all on you but it isn’t all on Tasha either.You didn’t tell her to protect her but you also did it to protect how she sees you. ” 

Michael bowed his head and shame, hating how Alex always saw straight through him. 

“Exactly. That was selfish and your mom is right, you need to own your shit.” 

“How can I own my shit when she won’t speak to me??” Michael groaned. 

Alex picked up her glass of scotch and shrugged. “Well I don’t know. Honestly. If I did, I’d tell you. But calling her over and over again until she picks up won’t help. It’ll just get you blocked.” Alex downed her glass and grabbed her purse. “Send her one last text and get some sleep, Michael. You look like shit. Take some time, stay outta the public eye for a few days and reflect. Call me in a couple days and we’ll talk. But you’re useless to me, Raven, and yourself like this.” 

“I hear you.” 

“Put the phone down. I’m serious, Mike.” 

He nodded. Alex walked over to him and pulled him into a tight hug. It took a moment for Michael to reciprocate as the gesture was so far out of the norm of everything he knew from his manager. 

“Don’t get used to it, seemed like you just needed it.” 

Michael nodded before he took a step back. “Yea I did…” 

Alex started to walk toward the door of his office when she paused and turned back to him. “You’re a good guy, Michael. And I’m not just saying that. You’re a good person. You just made a bad decision. And usually, I can come behind you and we can fix them with an interview and that movie star smile. But… Raven… this one may not be fixable. And in addition to owning your shit, you need to find a way to accept that possibility too.”  

“I don’t know if I can ever be ok with that, Alex. I love her. I can’t live without h-her.” His voice broke slightly as he glanced down at his hands. 

Alex offered him a sad smile. “I know you do… and sometimes that isn’t gonna be enough. Night.”

***

When Raven woke up again, after crying herself to sleep, it was 3 am. She had cried and subsequently slept straight through the evening, had not eaten or drank anything. And it only took being awake for five minutes for everything to come rushing back. The ache in her chest had not lessened in that time, if anything it had just become more painful as her brain obsessed over every detail. 

She groped in the darkness for her cell phone, which she had put back on DND. Her notifications were in shambles but once again, she realized 90% of them were from the same man. She never thought there would be a day when she was angry to see his name on her phone. But it seemed he called or texted her every five minutes or so since she left his house.

A small voice in her head contemplated hearing him out. After all, if he truly wanted to be with Tasha, why was he blowing up her phone like a stalker to get her to speak with him. That had to mean something, right? 

Her thumb hovered over her message app, trying to decide if she wanted to open them and read them. However, as she opened the app, she got distracted by a notification from Instagram.

She had forced herself to stay off social media but she could not stop herself from clicking it. And she immediately wished she had not. Her DMs were certainly a complete deviation from when she and Michael first started dating. She only opened the first handful of messages from strangers before she put her account on private and turned off her comments. That was something she should have done yesterday, she realized, but she was not used to being the source of such public vitriol. 

The things people said to her caused a fresh wave of tears to flow. Women in her comments and DMs called her everything under the sun aside from a child of God and the men… well, their comments were disgusting enough to cause nausea to churn in her belly. Did they not realize they were saying all of this to a real person? Instead, they spoke of her as if she was nothing.. 

But what did she expect from perfect strangers when her own boyfriend treated her like that?  She started to delete every DM until she got to a set from last night that were from handles she knew. Her sister’s friends. 

She had not even thought to check to see if her sister or father reached out. She knew if they did, it certainly would not be to check on her and the comments of her sister’s cohort of idiotic friends made that clear. She did not quite understand why women deep in their 30s were spending their days harassing another woman but Kiara ran her friends like a master puppeteer. . 

She did not bother opening those either, she simply sent them straight to the trash. She tossed her phone to the side before pulling her knees into her chest to cry again. However, before she could spiral back into that sea of despair, she picked up her phone and opened Michael’s texts. She forced herself to not scroll up, though she did read the last couple. 

Bakari: Please talk to me. 

Rae. At least let me know you’re ok. 

Let me explain what happened.

Raven rolled her eyes. Every disgusting thing she just read was his fault. Hell would freeze over before she listened to a word had to say. . 

Rae; Stop texting and calling me and delete my number. I never want to hear from you again. 

Three typing bubbles immediately popped up before she could close the app and be done with him forever. 

Bakari: I know I hurt you and I shouldn’t have lied but let me explain, Rae. Please. 

Rae: I’m not interested in anything you have to say. I’m done. We’re done. 

She quickly went into her contacts and blocked his number before tossing her phone back down on her bed. She thought doing so would ease some of the hurt she felt, after all he was the source of it. But it didn’t. In fact, it just made her heart feel more hollow. He was truly gone and she was completely and utterly alone. She had spent most of her life alone, she was used to it. She did not know why it hurt so much this time around.

The only thing she knew for certain as she curled back into her bed was that she wished she had never met Michael B Jordan. The man who she believed was the personification of her wildest fantasies turned out to be the cause of her worst nightmare.

Tag List: @readinghere2023 @blackerthings @prettyisasprettydoes1306 @physicxal @purplehairgawdess @miyuhpapayuh @rueruesclues @geemamii @certifiedlesbianbaddie @pipsqueak-98 @nyifly22 @destinio1 @twocentaur @gopaperless @musicisme333 @roguekiki @majesticbrownjawn @taurusqueen83 @mysteryuz @miamormilan @itsknor-thedeep @naj-ay444 @mads-grace4 @nayaesworld @kholdkill @msniaimani @nccu-rnc @apenasumlug4r

***

A/N: *runs away* *whispers* Let me know what you thought & thanks for reading. Happy Valentine's Day!

[the-golden-comet]

✨Writeblr Interview✨

Thank you for tagging me @nczaversnick and @foyle-writes-things ! Appreciate the heck out of y’all 💛✨

Short stories, novels, or poems?

Novels for sure, to read and to write! ✨

What genre do you prefer reading?

Same ones as I write—BL Romantasies, high fantasies, low fantasies, adult fiction, Slice of Life, Enemies to Lovers, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Fluff/Smut 💫✨

Are you a planner or a write as I go kind of person?

Little of column A, little of column B. I think a healthy balance between the two makes for some great planned (and unplanned) adventures! 💛✨

What music do you listen to while writing?

So funny thing….I don’t listen to music when I write. But, my favorite writing white noise is gameplay of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dead by Daylight, or Friday the 13th without commentary, played at a very low volume. Something about a revving chainsaw sparks my motivation to write (or maybe it’s fear? 🤔)

Favorite books/movies?

Anything Disney +mutuals’s stories ✨

Any current WIPs?

So far finishing up YWIMC before I move on to something big….👀✨I have a lot of stories on the back-burner and am focusing on one at a time 💛

If someone were to make a cartoon out of you what would your standard outfit be?

Very comfortable gray-knit turtleneck or hoodie, comfy pants, stylin’ shoes, and my bag of holding (numerous things. Backpack I carry around that has all my daily necessities ✨)

Create a character description of yourself:

Okay picture Link from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Got it? Okay. Make him gay. Give him some cartilage piercings. Maybe a few eye bags due to the insomnia. There you go. ✨

Oh also make him chaotic good. Because the world needs more kindness, and I will give the world more kindness. The world does not have a choice in the matter. 🌏💫✨

Do you like incorporating actual people you know into your writing?

Considering what I write? Absolutely not.

Are you kill happy with your characters?

Depends on the character and the narrative. I like happy endings, but sometimes a character must die. 🤷‍♂️

Coffee or Tea while writing?

While I write? Water. While I wake up? Coffee. While I get ready for bed? Tea.

Slow or fast writer?

Fast writer, slow motivator. Once I get on a groove I can usually go on 5-6 hour writing binges at a time. I just have to get there first with all of my projects….🫠✨

Where/who/what do you draw inspiration from?

Myself mainly, and my friends and mutuals secondly. I’ve been writing for myself since I started making fanfictions as a teenager, so I’ll never NOT make stories for myself. Gaining a supportive community on writeblr has given me an extra boost of motivation, because now I feel like I’m writing for myself AND for my friends and mutuals ✨

If you were in a fantasy world, what would you be?

The person that somehow finds themself in harrowing situations only to stumble my way out of the problem through sheer coincidence and bullshit. Or a bard. Probably a bard. Maybe both of these things 🤔✨

Most fav book cliche:

Two dumb idiots (/positive) go on an epic quest and learn about each other in the meanwhile. (See: The Emperor’s New Groove)

Least favorite cliche:

One-trick pony characters that lack depth, or exist just to check off a box.

Favorite scene to write?

Anything involving the two main protags.

Reason for writing?

My own personal enjoyment, and to share my crazy mind with the world for entertainment and create joy and inspiration to a community of genius minds (You. I’m talking about you. Yeah, YOU. Keep writing, keep inspiring, and keep on keeping on) 💖✨

Thank you again! I’m going to tag (no pressure): @tragedycoded , @wyked-ao3 , @gioiaalbanoart , @sableglass , @words-after-midnight , @saturnine-saturneight , @marlowethelibrarian , @davycoquette , @lychhiker-writes , @glasshouses-and-stones , @aintgonnatakethis , @honeybewrites , @drchenquill , @theink-stainedfolk , @the-letterbox-archives , @ominous-feychild , @mysticstarlightduck , @finickyfelix , @autism-purgatory , @moltenwrites , @rivenantiqnerd , @thecomfywriter , @somethingclevermahogony , @authorcoledipalo , @houseplantblank , +open tag ✨

[xxxdreamscapexxx]

I don’t want to hear thoughts... Unless they’re yours

Chapter 6:   Scarry truth        18+ (Please be aware that there is explicit content here)   Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader Word count: 5k Warning: NSFW, 18+, lesbian relationship, oral, strap on use, Mommy!Kink, top!Wanda, Bottom!Reader , Wanda being with another character, angst,  Summary: Wanda wanted to live the normal life she was never afforded, but something was always missing. Something she denied herself and buried deep inside. But watching you move next door, she quickly realizes that this may not be possible for much longer. Especially with all the interesting things she found in your thoughts. Chapter summary: When Wanda invited you over for coffee after work, she never expected that a slight deviation from her plans would send her spiraling, or push her to fall back into old habits. But would it give her what she really wants?   Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6, Part 7; Part 8; Part 9; Part 10 Series materlist                                     Masterlist of all my works

On Monday morning Wanda woke up feeling truly rested. It was still early, but that didn’t bother her. She had spent the previous day immersed in your daydreams, indulging herself thoroughly and loving every second of it. It was heavenly to let go, to have someone sharing in her desires. Someone who understood. It felt freeing to know she wasn’t alone. You were her perfect counterpart and she found it easier to see herself as the dominant in your fantasies, getting to do to you all the things you so clearly enjoyed. With that thought, she started getting ready for the day ahead. She pulled out her headphones, which, left unused for quite some time, she had to find first and she started a playlist on her phone. She had spent enough time with you, or rather your thoughts, to know quite a lot of your favorite songs and she added them, letting the first one play while she made breakfast. Truly, she was refreshed. Energy surged and she had a new inspiration for a painting of hers, already imagining herself freeing a few hours in her afternoon, so she could start. Who know her little neighbor could be such a miracle worker. With such thoughts and the music playing loudly, Wanda dancing to the beat while she made waffles, she didn’t even hear her sons come down the stairs. She realized they were already up when her body stiffened, attacked by their little hands, which wrapped themselves around her in their hugs and she had to stifle and surprised scream, making the boys laugh. “Good morning, mom” They smiled mischievously at her, watching her pull out the headphones and putting her phone away. “Good morning.” She smiled back, ruffling their hair happily. “Anyone hungry?” She asked, already knowing the answer. Her sons were always hungry. “Yes!” They responded in unison, watching her and trying to figure out what she was making. “Good. Go get napkins and some cutlery for the table. I’m almost done.” She explained, purposefully avoiding the answer to their unspoken question. “Are those waffles?” Tommy finally asked, taking out napkins, while his brother picked out forks. “You’ll just have to wait and find out.” She responded coyly, her mood lifting even more. Wanda watched her children eat, putting away the dishes once they were done, planning out her day, when she felt you stir. She gave you the space to get ready for the day and she left the house, pretending to do something in the garden as she waited for you to come out. What she didn’t plan on, however, was how she’d see you. You were wearing a white vest, but her eyes immediately narrowed at the fact that there was no shirt underneath it, your arms exposed and the tops of your breasts peeking out. There was no blazer in sight either and she immediately realized that that’s the way you’d spend your day. The white pants you had chosen clung to your every curve, which, now that she’d seen, she could imagine even more vividly and she cursed internally. You wore high heels, the way you often did for work, your legs looking even longer and more alluring. “Hi, neighbor!” Wanda greeted, waving at you, taking this time to breathe in and calm her nerves. Damn, you really did need your mommy to tell you not to wear such things. Did you not know what you looked like? What it could do to people? “Oh, hi, Wanda.” You waved back, approaching her fence. “How are you this morning.” “I’m great!” She admitted honestly, a genuine smile gracing her features. “I just woke up feeling so positive and energized. Which reminds me… ” She paused slightly. “The kids just love waffles and I made way too much. Let me go grab you some to take with you for work!” She said, already turning towards her house. Your protests fell on deaf ears and Wanda walked into her home, having the food already packed and she waited a little bit, not to seem like she had planned this, just so she would give them to you and she walked outside with a container, handing it to you. “You really don’t have to. Please.” You tried to argue, but it was useless against her. “I insist.” She said simply, her green eyes fixing you with an unrecognizable look while you contemplated. “Aren’t we friends?” She added, smiling when she saw you hesitate and watched all your defenses crumble at that. “Thank you!” You said with a small smile, your hand reaching out to take the food she had made. “My pleasure.” She said happily, now that you had accepted. “So how are you? How was Sunday with no strangers in your house?” She asked, referring to herself and the little pool party you had. “Honestly? Boring. I quite liked your company.” You admitted with more honesty than Wanda expected, your eyes sparkling at the words and the woman stood taken aback by it. It was true that she had asked for the compliment, or at least prompted it, but it still struck a strange cord of longing in her. “You know, if you keep saying things like that, you won’t be able to get rid of me.” Wanda tried to joke, but her voice didn’t quite have that cheerful tone, betraying a little of her real feelings. “Well, then it’s a good thing I’m not trying to.” You smiled warmly, realizing that you actually did want to spend more time with the woman. You liked your conversations with her, enjoyed getting to know her a little. “Oh, Y/N, stop sweet talking me, before I make you late for work.” She waved her hands, smiling. “Swing by when you finish, we’ll have a cup of coffee. Mine’s not as good as yours, mind you, but it’ll do.” She suggested, her eyes fixed on you, reading every small expression. “I might be late, I probably have a mountain of things waiting for me.” You explained. “But if I make it before dinner I’ll be happy to come over and share some of my own recipes.” “Well, then I won’t keep you.” Wanda said, a huge smile spreading across her face. “Have a good day, Y/N.” “I hope you have a great day too, Wanda.” You returned her smile, the woman’s energy entirely infectious. “Thank you again for the waffles!” You said a bit louder as you walked away and watched the woman dismiss you with a wave of her hand, as if it was nothing. Happy with her little interaction with you, Wanda thought that her day was going even better than expected and that pushed her into a wave of hyperactivity. She let the boys play, though her eyes were often following them, while she did some cleaning and organizing, prepared lunch and put the boys to bed for a couple of hours while she started on her painting. She didn’t miss the chance to take her headphones and listen to more of your music, feeling surrounded by you as she did it, her brushstrokes confident, because she already had the image of what she wanted in her head. When her sons woke up, she took them to the park. The day was warm and sunny and she didn’t want to keep them in that house all the time. She took a ball and a couple more of their favorite toys and she sat on a bench, watching them play, the smiles never leaving their faces. They reminded her so much of her and her brother when they were young. They were so close. Even when they disagreed, they were so connected, that other children sometimes found it hard to approach them. They didn’t need anyone else to have a good time and they knew each-other so well. Wanda sometimes watched in awe, when Billy and Tommy played football for example. They didn’t need more than a glance at each-other to know what the other would do and they made such a formidable team that other kids sometimes felt left out, but quite honestly, she loved that about them. When they were properly exhausted from all their activities, Wanda took them for ice cream and her heart filled with joy at their loud cheers. Of course, they wanted way more than they could eat, the way children often did when it came to treats and she knew she’ll most likely have to finish whatever they couldn’t and she wasn’t wrong, but she couldn’t care less. When she got home, she realized that you’d probably be back soon enough and despite having things to fill her time, she couldn’t stop looking at the clock, the minutes ticking by slowly and your absence filling her with an unsettling feeling she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Suddenly, she realized that she had been waiting for this all day, she had somehow hyped herself for it and you were late. Wanda looked at her phone, her eyes narrowing. She knew she had no new messages, but the confirmation annoyed her and she found herself passing by the windows that looked over to your house more often. Your car wasn’t there, so she knew you weren’t back yet, but that only frustrated her more. You worked too much. You were meant to be with her right now, sipping her coffee and telling her about yourself, not in some office, exhausting yourself. After another hour passed, Wanda’s mood had gotten worse. She hadn’t realized how much this meant to her, until she was left standing in the middle of her house with no messages from you and a sickening feeling of expectancy. That’s when she realized that she had put too much hope into your interactions. She had ignored all her worries, concerns, all her rules when she came to this town. She was here to have a normal life, to be with her sons, to get away from the things that had pushed her life into chaos, not chase after them. Of course, you had nothing to do with that. But you tempted her. Your presence, your alluring personality most of all, made her embrace so much of her magic again, made her fall back into a pattern of obsession and distrust. She knew it wasn’t healthy. She knew that what she did was wrong, that she had crossed so many lines, but your interactions, even if a little bit set up, were real. What she said, what she felt, what she wanted was quite real. And she knew you were a genuine person too. Perhaps that’s what frustrated her most. She discovered that you were wonderful and that a casual interest had quickly grown into a full blown chase for her. Wanda Maximoff actually liked you. God, she was fucked. She wasn’t meant to have any romantic feelings. The people she loved never had a good fate. They got hurt… Or worse. The realization, more than anything, scared Wanda, her initial frustration over your absence, quickly turning into anxiety. She got too involved, too invested in this, she dove in head first into feelings she didn’t know how to handle. Pacing around the house, trying not to seem as nervous as she felt, she thought of all the implications of continuing on the course she had set. She had no doubt that she could make you hers. You were perfect for her, she could easily show you that… But what then? What if the people she hurt in her past came looking for her? What if they hunted her down and found the life she had built, found you. You were such an easy mark. Would she be able to protect you? God, how could she even tell you who she really was? What she’s done, how many lives she has ruined, how many people she had wronged. Would you look at her the same way if you knew the extent of her monstrosity? Would you fear her then? Could she just lie to you? Was it a lie, if she simply ignored the question of her past and showed you who she was now? So many thoughts swirled in her head and she grew more restless by the second. What was she meant to do? Chase after you? She wanted to. But she was afraid. So many people feared rejection in life, feared that something wouldn’t work out, feared loneliness… Wanda was different. Life had shown her that rejection was easy to move past. She would rather hear you say that she’s unwanted, see you in the arms of another and seethe with jealousy, than watch the love in your eyes fade away at the knowledge of who she really is. Gaining your love, opening up her heart to you and then losing you? How could she live with that? Watching the life drain from you, holding your broken body on the floor and knowing that she’ll never see you smile? God, that could break her. Yes, rejection was simpler. A clear cut that would heal. Loss was a jagged wound that never quite healed. It ached every waking moment of every day and she never wanted to face that again. Yes, the life she had chosen was simpler… The sound of her phone pulled her from her thoughts and she willed herself to pick it up slowly, to calm the way her heart hammered, but her hands shook as soon as she saw your name on her screen. Hi, Wanda! I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to make it today. My calendar is full of meetings until 20:00. Another time? Wanda read and re-read the message a few times, her fingers hovering over the screen. She had a million responses in her head, reassuring you that it was all right, telling you that she understood, making plans with you for another day, but they all died down in the end. It was cruel to do this to herself and unfair to do it to you. With a long, deep breath, Wanda typed back a response, throwing her phone on the couch next to her. Of course. Just that. And it felt so empty that she hurried to get up, hugging her boys tightly and kissing the tops of their heads as she made her way to the fridge and the bottle of white wine she knew she’d find there.                                                  *             *             * The wine, Wanda thought as she sat down in a random café with a stranger, definitely did not help. In fact, she blamed all her bad choices on that bottle, which, to her shame, she had finished all by herself. That’s how she found herself scrolling through that dating app and looking at the different messages women had sent her, picking one that she liked and responding, eventually arranging herself this date that she was now almost regretting. But she was getting ahead of herself. After she’d put the boys to bed, she couldn’t stop thinking about you. She found herself peeking through her windows and watching your movements. You came home at about 21:30 and you crashed on the couch. She could feel all the pent-up stress in you and she had to remind herself that she should stay away from your thoughts. If she was to keep herself away from you, she had to start by pulling away from the thing that had gotten her so involved in the first place. Something easier said than done. She watched you go through your routine, making yourself a sandwich instead of a normal meal, because it was faster and you were almost starved, nervously tapping her foot as she continued to contemplate everything. She couldn’t escape it. The way her brain kept returning to that same thing, kept turning over all the possibilities, scrambling to find a way to both get what she wanted and protect her heart from pain. And it was impossible.   But what really sent her into a spiral came a little later that night. Wanda had tried to watch TV, but even her favorite sitcoms weren’t enough to distract her. She wasn’t even watching. That is until she looked through her window again and saw that the first floor of your house was now dark, and she followed the light up, seeing you through your bedroom window. You were undressing yourself rather carelessly, but Wanda couldn’t tear her eyes away from you. You had already pulled down your pants and were now undoing the buttons of your vest, letting it slide off your shoulders, leaving you in a white bra and panties and causing Wanda’s mouth to run dry. Why did she have to see that? She knew it was wrong of her to keep watching, but she stood frozen in place, her eyes tracing your body, even if she’d seen you naked in your fantasies quite a few times now. But this was different. This was real. Your hands were undoing your bra next and she followed every movement, drinking you in as the garment fell to the floor. God, you were beautiful. Just as beautiful as she remembered and her whole being filled with longing. You could be hers, she could be undressing you right now, kissing you, worshipping you… Fuck, she had to do something, before this obsession consumed her. Better yet, before she was labeled the neighborhood creep for spying on naked girls. And didn’t people often say that the best way to get over someone is to find someone else? Well, that was how her brilliant plan had led her here. On this date with the first random woman, who’s picture she liked. In the morning Wanda arranged a babysitter for the boys. A neighbor she knew and trusted on the rare occasions when she had to leave the house without her sons. She was meant to come in the afternoon and stay with them for a few hours. Why had she done this? Well… She thought it would help her get you out of her mind, so she settled in the booth, across from the woman she had texted with and started up a light conversation. Iris was a couple of years younger than Wanda, a brunette, and had a charming smile, something the redhead didn’t miss the opportunity to point out, making her blush. But even though the date was going well enough, Wanda couldn’t help but think of you. She kept comparing her to you, kept looking at her eyes and searching for yours, kept thinking of what you would say, even though she was here so she could forget you. The knowledge somehow frustrated her. It’s not like she loved you. But she craved that connection with you and in defiance of her own feelings, or perhaps in searching for ways to suppress them, it almost took no effort on her part at all, to have Iris trapped between her own front door and Wanda’s body. “Invite me inside.” Wanda whispered in her ear, more a demand than a request. “What makes you think I want to?” The brunette asked in defiance, even though both her hands were wrapped around the sorceress. “The way you look at me right now.” And it wasn’t the first such look Wanda had gotten during their date. This woman had been eye-fucking her for the past hour. “And you think I’m that easy?” “That’s such a terrible term.” Wanda disagreed. “I know I can make you feel good.” She stated simply. “And I think you want me to.” To accentuate her words, she let her hips grind against the other woman, so she could feel the toy in her pants, giving her a moment to really entice her, before pulling away and hearing the woman gasp softly. “Invite me inside?” She asked this time, a smile gracing her lips, because she knew there is no way her date would refuse her. “Please, come inside.” The woman smiled back after a few more seconds of hesitation, pulling her in for a brief kiss, before she turned around to unlock her door. “Oh, I will.” Wanda practically purred, unable to resist a smirk at the double meaning and earning herself an almost audible eyeroll. Once inside, the two women quickly moved passed the pleasantries, barely pausing while the brunette offered Wanda a drink and watched her gulp down a glass of whisky in one go and soon Wanda was being dragged through a room and lead into a messy bedroom. “Sorry about the clutter.” Iris apologized, a little embarrassed, since she obviously did not expect company. “I don’t care about that.” Wanda responded, pulling her in for a kiss and tossing her onto the messy bed. And she really didn’t. Normally she’d be far more critical of the unkept room, but as it was, she was desperate for a distraction. Oh, how wrong she was to think this would help. Wanda let her hands roam Iris’s body, tearing her clothes off of her hastily and refusing to think of the way she looked nothing like you, felt nothing like you. She pushed away every thought of you, refused to see your face, when she closed her eyes, fought every urge to conjure the sound of your voice and every second passed excruciatingly slow. Every touch felt forced, felt wrong, because it was never meant for this stranger.   In the end, Wanda gave up. The rest of their encounter becoming a blur. Between drinking and her heart protesting the intimacy she shared with another, Wanda had no choice, continuously drifting to images of you, of your fantasies coming to life, behind Wanda’s closed lids. She could only hope that she did as well as she imagined. When it was all over, somehow, opening her eyes to the visage of another woman startled Wanda. Iris certainly looked happy with the orgasm she received, her body twitching with aftershocks and a satisfied grin never leaving her face, but Wanda had thought of you the entire time and being met with someone else’s face came as a shock, before she had to remind herself why she had done this. It seemed somehow empty now, after the fact, but before she could process it fully, she was pulled back into reality by Iris’s voice. The brunette flipped Wanda on her back and she dutifully removed all her clothes and took off the strap on and the dildo that was attached to it, putting them to the side and staring hungrily into Wanda’s wet pussy. Iris didn’t ask for permission, nor did she hesitate, before she leaned down, her tongue swiping over Wanda’s clit softly and getting a taste of her. The redhead sorceress stood there frozen for a moment, her eyes following the woman above her cautiously, and her body rigid. That was not what she imagined in the slightest, not what she thought it would feel like at all. With all the women she’d been with, all the times she imagined herself taking control, she never felt so empty or so unfulfilled by the encounter. Even when she held back, when she suppressed all her urges, she still felt so much more fulfilled, than she did in this moment. “Is everything all right?” Iris somehow startled her and pulled her from her thoughts and Wanda realized that she hadn’t moved this entire time. “Yes.” Wanda barely whispered, faking a smile and closing her eyes in an attempt to reign in her disappointment. When she looked at Iris, she felt nothing and when she closed her eyes, trying to let her body feel good, enjoy the way she was being treated, she just couldn’t. Something was missing and she struggled to find it, her breaths growing shallow. “Do you need me to do something different, baby?” Iris pulled away again after a few minutes, the disappointment in her eyes obvious. “You can tell me what you need.” Wanda had been so eager to be with her, so happy to fuck her into a mind-blowing orgasm, yet the woman was hardly enjoying herself and Iris feared she wasn’t doing a good job, feared she’ll never see her again. “No, no, don’t stop.” Wanda said, a little desperate, feeling the other woman resume her ministrations. She felt gentle kitten licks on her pussy, her body responding to the stimulation even when her brain resisted and Wanda felt herself slip. Despite her own protests, despite knowing that she shouldn’t, she allowed herself to see you between her legs, to imagine what you’d do when you tried to please her and her heart leaped to see your face. She just knew you’d love being on your knees for her, getting desperately turned on to look at her wet folds and waiting for her permission to finally taste her. She’d be so proud to see your cute face covered in her juices while she praised you for “making Mommy cum so good”. You’d be such an adorable little thing, offering her your fingers and then licking them clean, when she was done cumming all over them. God, better yet, tying you up to the bed and putting a vibrator against your clit and Wanda playing with the remote control while she rode your tongue. She could edge you like that, while she came all over your face, orgasm after orgasm washing over her, until she was too overwhelmed and overstimulated to continue. When she’s done, she’d take it away and fuck you senseless with her strap, erasing any thought, that someone else would ever make you feel as good as she did. God, the possibilities… With each new idea, each new image of you at her mercy, Wanda climbed higher. Her hands ran through Iris’s hair, gripping it and guiding the woman, her hips canting up in impatience as she chased her orgasm. She felt it building, deep in the pit of her stomach and she squeezed her eyes tightly, as if she feared to open her eyes, feared to face her reality and your absence. “Oh my God, just like that, baby!” She encouraged, picturing your cute face and your pretty eyes looking up at her for validation, loving to hear her praise. “Don’t stop, Y/N! Make me cum!” She moaned, her fingers tightening around the strands of the brunette’s hair, pulling her even closer to her center, just as she started to fall over the edge. Her orgasm washed over her quickly, a little forced, but powerful and she rode out the waves of pleasure with the thought of you, her hips still canting up and helping her ride it out in bliss, only releasing the woman, when she was completely spent and her body slumped against the mattress. Wanda felt her date climb up her body, lying next to her on the bed, but being sensible enough not to touch her and she reminded herself that she’ll see Iris’s face once she opens her eyes and not yours, yet when their eyes met, she still had to cover her disappointment. “So, who’s Y/N?” Iris broke the silence and watched Wanda’s eyes grow large in shock. “You said her name earlier.” The brunette clarified, but stayed calm. “When did I…’’ Wanda stopped, as she remembered it. She wasn’t meant to say your name. She wasn’t meant to think of you. Yet, she knew, she wouldn’t be able to cum, if she didn’t. “Please tell me she’s not your girlfriend.” Iris kept her eyes on Wanda. “No… Not my girlfriend…” Wanda murmured, her thoughts so distant, she hardly registered the other woman’s presence. God, what had she done? This was a mistake. Looking around at the strange, unkept room and the naked woman next to her, Wanda started to panic. She didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to feel this woman’s fingers run up and down her forearm… Her nakedness made her feel vulnerable and exposed, as if caught doing something wrong. She felt dirty suddenly, as if the other woman’s touch had left a visible trace on her skin. She looked around nervously, internal panic starting to set in and urging her to leave, feeling trapped under the other woman’s sheets, under her gaze that continued to study her, as if she wanted to find what’s wrong with her and fix her. God, when did she become a charity case? Suddenly, Wanda rose from her spot on the bed, that seemed too small, reeking of the woman, who wasn’t you. She started to dress herself hurriedly, gathering her things, while Iris followed her movement in a melancholy way. She seemed saddened somehow, yet unsurprised. She refused to ask why she was leaving in such a rush, although Wanda could feel she hoped for an explanation, hoped to hear Wanda say that she’ll call her, that they’ll see each-other again, that this wasn’t a fleeting, meaningless date. Wanda’s heart ached, her thoughts spinning out of control. She felt so disheartened by her own future, and equally saddened for Iris, for what she was doing to her, what she knew was a cruel way to end things. She had accepted her in her home, in her bed, in her own body, let Wanda satiate her need… The woman didn’t deserve to be left like this. When did Wanda become so callused? Pausing, Wanda did what she knew was the right thing to do. The kind thing to do. She swallowed her own feelings, for a moment forgetting everything that was waying her down, that tormented her and kept her from claiming the happiness she craved and she took Iris’s hands in her own. She let the woman walk her out, kissing her lips softly at the door and telling her what a lovely time she had. It was painful to drive away, her eyes lingering on the woman at the door, until she could no longer see her, doing everything she could to keep herself together, feeling her tears spill from her eyes and the road becoming a blur. God, this was a mistake. Hurting that woman was a mistake. Letting you get so close to her, getting so attached to you was a mistake. She should have stayed away, should have left you alone, when she understood how addictive you were. She should have… But it was way too late now.  

[jenyifer]

Book List Time!!!

And with that I have 10 give or take books to discuss. Now I’m up to over 30 books since May woooo telling tumblr about each one has been a great motivator so I hope my reviews and list help people out in a non spoiler fun way. Gonna rank these in order I want to reread them.

1. Green Creek the series by TJ Klune 🏳️‍🌈🐺🌶️🌲 Wolfsong Ravensong Heartsong Brothersong I am obsessed. Literally read all four books in 3 days. I have bought physical copies and marked them up. Will make you cry, laugh, and stay in your heart forever. Just……. Go read it. But the quick synopsis is Powerful Humans Wolves Witches have to pay for the sins of their fathers over and over again while maintaining their found family and finding their true soulmates. There is Ace Lesbian non binary rep in here as well.

2. The Warden by Daniel Ford🏳️‍🌈 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🧙‍♀️❄️🪦truly a fantasy masterpiece the romance isn’t the focus but it’s fucking good. First sapphic book to get a 10/10 for me. About a witch(with a magic system that is interesting surprising) growing up and finding herself a family without sacrificing who she is. I loved her and at first you think ehhh is this going to be boring no definitely not. Was surprising made me laugh and cry. Can’t wait for part 2 cause more of the hot gf in there I hope.

3. A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland🏳️‍🌈👑⚔️🌶️🌶️ I listened to this book two times in a row I enjoyed it so much. It’s a bodyguard and prince story. The prince’s depiction of depression anxiety panic attacks was so real. The bodyguard is very endearing. The themes of family are strong and interesting. The mystery was easy to solve but I found it rewarding because I wanted the prince to win so badly haha.

4. Spindle Splintered by Alix E Harrow🏳️‍🌈👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👸🏼🥀😢

Short story about a dying girl who has a special interest in sleeping beauty. It does have a…. Debatably Sad ending. I did enjoy it for what it was trying to talk about. I lost a friend when she was too young. I’m glad I read it.

5. Scumbag Villains Self-Saving System series by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu 🏳️‍🌈🚩⚔️😈🕊️🤓🌶️? I’m putting it up this high because besides that scene in chapter 21 that slapped me in the brain I really enjoyed the series. Only Danmei I HAD TO GET THE REST OF THE SERIES IMMEDIATELY Hell I’ve even now written fan fic for the side ship. About a Nerd being put into his favorite love to hate stallion novel (story about a hero who fucks his way to success) but he’s in there as the abusive villain who the hero is destined to kill. The nerd has to save himself and unintentionally builds himself a harem featuring the most red flag the hero who so sololy motivated by the nerd. It’s great easy to read very fun. But 🌶️ scene in book 3 is a definite skip and delete from memory.

6. Case File Compendium Vol 1 by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou 🏳️‍🌈? 😈🚩🩸🕵️🥼

I did just finish reading this so maybe I’m bias but I really did find it a book I couldn’t put down. I even brought it with me to work to read a chapter during my lunch breaks. Main characters are heavy in their homophobic lifestyles but they kiss and protect each other? True crime and mentally ill characters. MC is has a fatal mental illness that makes him unstable and MIL was his former private doctor. MC is trying to date MIL’s little sister. While getting up to shenanigans they stumble into a corrupt hospital and evil forces are maybe after them?! Idk its exciting fun to read but only if you like 🚩’s

7. The Disabled Tyrant’s Beloved Pet Fish Vol 1 by Xue Shan Fei Hu 🏳️‍🌈🐟👑🎨🖼️ I did genuinely laugh my ass off during reading this book. It was incredibly easy to read I think I finished it in 4 hours. Very cute. I love the inside and outside art. About a nonverbal Prince who has anger issues and his crush on the modern man who is trapped within an ugly little fish. Now yes the Prince is becomes actively in love with the fish. Lucky for us we are stuck in the man who is trapped as the fish’s pov and he is genuinely just trying to get back to his world by obeying the powers that be System’s prompts to go home. Fish is not trying to seduce the Prince or anything. It’s just funny I had a great time with vol 1 probably will read vol 2.

8. So Let Them Burn by Kamilah Cole 🏳️‍🌈👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨🐉🏝️ while having dragons and diverse cast it ultimately falls short of expectations wishing for more depth and clarity. The asexual spectrum representation feels muddled and Jamaican inspired cultural elements are unexplored which is at odds with its rich backdrop that could have enhanced the story. The story’s mystery element lacked cohesion resulting in a frustrating bittersweet ending that suggests a sequel and left me unsatisfied. I won’t read the next book. Won’t suggest it.

9. Faithless Book2 by C L Clark 🏳️‍🌈🚩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩⚔️👑😩 a big let down from book 1 but I’m locked in for life I guess. Luca is back in France navigating a way to get the crown. While Touraine shows up with a priest and Teen to some how get food for her people. Most of the plot feels useless both MC characters are stupid and do no growing. The new teen character was interesting. I disliked the poly romance I didn’t particularly feel comfortable about Touraine and Luca why not add another person in what could go wrong? Luca’s reign as Queen looks to be very bad and you will feel extremely disappointed at the end. I’m going to read the next book but only because I like the characters who didn’t go to France.

10. Self-Made Boys by Anna-Marie McLemore.

I read 90% of this book and I regret it. It’s a trans characters as the leads gay retelling of the great gatsby. I was truly excited to read it I’ve read The Great Gatsby many times. However this book just laughs at the source material. I’m tempted to say maybe the Chat GPT’d the plot and didn’t ask for any over arching themes in the book. I couldn’t do it I’m gonna have to find a better trans representation book in my next set of ten.

DNF’s

Last Night at the Telegraph Club, The Once and Future witches, Gearbreakers, the emperor and the endless palace.

[bluesylveon2]

for the 500 follower special, idia + 75?

I love how all of my gamer knowledge reappeared as I was writing this lol.

Prompt: 75. I’m an insomniac who calls my best friend at 3am except I misdial on my landline and I tell you all about my nightmare before letting you talk and now I’m mortified but you don’t hang up (I changed it a bit)

Note: Modern au. Fainaru Fantajī XV is Final Fantasy 15 but in Japanese. I was gonna use FFXVI but idk how the story goes and I might just watch it on Youtube lol. I DO know the story for FFXV and I love it so much

Word Count: 959

Warnings: not beta read and possible OOC characters

500 Follower Event

Idia's day typically goes as follows: 1. Wake up, 2. Collect his dailies, 3. Stream in his room for hours (while snacking during it). 4. Use the bathroom. 5. Eat sweets, 6. Stream again. 7. Stream. What's sleep anyway?

Idia sighed after setting his headphones down. He just finished playing the latest Fainaru Fantajī XV game since its release. His body ached from the long sitting position, but it was all worth it for him. The story was good, and the gameplay was phenomenal! Idia needed to tell someone about it!

Usually, he would rant about it to Ortho. Still, his little brother was currently out of town because he was starring in a movie with the Vil Schoenheit. Idia was proud of his brother and wanted to keep his much-needed rest. 

Idia grabbed his phone and sorted through his list of friends.

Azul? No, he would only talk about board games. 

Riddle? No, they both had a mutual dislike for one another. 

Cater? HECK NO! NO NORMIES! (Idia made a mental note to delete his number later. How his contact information got on his phone was a mystery.)

Lilia? Idia's eyes widen. Yes! Lilia was perfect! They both share a love of games and often play co-op together. Surely he would be awake at, Idia glanced at the time, 3 am! Idia quickly typed his number, too excited to click on Lilia's number, and brought the phone to his ear. 

"Hello?" A clearly feminine voice replied, but Idia had already started his passionate ranting.

"Lilia! Did you get to play the newest Fainaru Fantajī XV game?"

"Who is-"

"I love the open world concept, and did you see the Regalia? That car screams luxury, and it has to be my dream car. I need to get one ASAP. That would show those lame normies I deal with, ugh."

"Lilia" laughed but continued trying to speak, "That's nice, but-"

"And the chemistry between the main characters! Luna was pretty, I guess? Lowkey women still scar me after the whole Eliza incident." Idia shivered at the memory of his "self-proclaimed" (and crazy) girlfriend (it was one-sided, and Idia didn't consider her his girlfriend anyway) in high school. Never again. "But the bond between Noctis and the other guys was top-notch! It made the gameplay even better!" Idia sighed and leaned back in his chair. "If only Noctis survived to the end, ya know? I guess the developers loved angst. The song choice at the end was the cherry on top. I actually shed a tear."

"Uhh, that's very interesting, but who is this?" "Lilia," asked, and Idia frowned. Now that he was partially done with his rant, he noticed the strange pitch in his friend's voice.

"Lilia, it's me, Idia. You know? The super cool guy who you spend playing League with. Are you sick? Your voice sounds off."

"I don't know a Lilia. My name is Yuu, and no, I am not sick. I am very healthy." Yuu's voice replied, and Idia froze. OH NO, NO, NO

"YOU'RE A GIRL?"

He could imagine the stranger frowning and thinking he was some creep. "Yes?"

"Eep!" Idia squealed and immediately pressed the big red "end call" button. He threw his phone at his bed, jumped face down on his bed, and groaned loudly. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! You just embarrassed yourself in front of a stranger! In front of a girl!" Idia was ready to bury himself in a hole.

Idia's phone rang just as he made the decision to do it. He groaned at the annoying ringtone, picked it up, and brought the phone to his ear without checking the caller ID. 

"Hello?"

A female voice laughed. "You hung up on me, Idia."

"Ah!" Idia screamed. He looked at his phone and raised his finger to hang up the call.

"Wait! Don't hang up!" Yuu exclaimed, causing Idia to freeze. He slowly brought his phone back to listen. The girl sighed after a minute passed. "Look, before you hang up again, I wanted to say that I love that game too."

Idia blinked, and his mouth opened in shock. "Y-you do?" he managed to say and wanted to facepalm.

Yuu laughed. "I'm not far into the game, though. I got distracted by fishing and playing with chocobos."

Idia felt himself relax, and he laughed with Yuu. "They are adorable. I liked racing them."

"Me too! Hey, Idia, can I ask you something?"

"Uhh, sure…What is it?"

Yuu sighed, and Idia could hear some shuffling on her end. She was probably adjusting herself to get comfortable. "Can you tell me more about the game? I need some help getting through it and would like some advice."

Idia felt a smirk grace his face. "Of course, you would need my help. I'll help you beat all the bosses with 0 deaths. You're good to talk for tonight?"

Yuu chuckled. "Yeah, I don't have anything planned. Oh great, Idia. Give me your wisdom." 

Idia ended up not sleeping that night but made a new friend instead. 

Bonus:

"I heard the Child of Man made a new friend." Malleus looked up from his Gao Gao Drakon-kun to speak to his father.

Lilia paused his game and turned to Malleus. "Oh? Did she say who?"

Malleus nodded. "It's actually your friend Idia. The one you often play games with." He said and gestured to the monitor that currently had Fainaru Fantajī XV. 

Lilia smiled, feeling happy for his friend. "What a coincidence. It is a small world, after all."

Malleus nodded and smiled, thinking about Yuu's happy rant that morning after staying up to talk to Idia before passing out from exhaustion. He was also delighted for her that she had met him. "Indeed it is."

Disclaimer: I do not own Twisted Wonderland and its characters. Those belong to Aniplex, Walt Disney Japan, and Yana Toboso.

©: This story belongs to bluesylveon2 2020-23. DO NOT modify, republish, or plagiarize my work.

[imwriting0verhere]

Love Again

Chapter 6

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Feed me your fiction Give me just one taste to sustain this addiction Blissful affliction I'll swallow your poison 'til it runs through my veins Fills my heart with deception Twists my perception

Baby I've known lonely So let me down now slowly You know me Tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Tell me a story Let's make believe If you're lying, I'll listen Say it through your teeth Make me a prison and throw away the key 'Cause I know what I'm missing is better than nothing

Baby I've known lonely So let me down now slowly You know me Tell me I'm your only Tell me I'm your only, no

Baby I've known lonely, yeah Let me down now slowly You owe me Tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me, oh Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me, oh (keep lying)

'Cause baby I've known lonely, yeah Let me down now slowly (keep lying) And tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

As the last notes of our final song ring through the room I look out into the crowd again. With the biggest smile on my face I speak into the microphone again “Thank you all so much for being here tonight. Amsterdam, what an incredible first show!” I blow a kiss and wave at the screaming crowd before exiting the stage and waiting for my girls to follow.

I am overwhelmed and so full of adrenaline, I feel like I could go right back out there and play for another hour. I turn towards my band as they have made their way backstage now as well and immediately start screaming and pulling them all into a big group hug.

“We did it, we just played a fantastic first show!” I say elated. We’re all jumping up and down and doing happy dances, I can see it in their faces too, the joy and adrenaline of the night.

“Yes, we did babes!” Kelley shouts and pulls me into another side hug, impossible to contain her excitement.

“I love you guys so much, I’m so grateful to have you on this journey with me” I tell them after a few moments. The emotions taking over me. “Alright, Y/N is already getting soppy on us. Let’s go to the green room and have a proper celebration or else there will be tears soon” Donna cackles and starts to stir me into the direction of the green room where our manager as well as part of our team and some friends are waiting for us to celebrate an incredible opening night.

“Okay okay I won’t start crying just yet. I’m way too happy right now” I laugh at her and put my arm around her waist, until we reach our destination and I open the door, the other girls right behind us. As soon as we enter the room we get pulled into more hugs and congratulatory affections. Glasses of sparkling wine are being passed around the group and very quickly the room fills with chatter and laughter and it’s such a warm and wonderful atmosphere.

The night went on and before we know it, we’re back on the tour bus on our way to the next location. Kelley, Margot and Jasmin have made their way into the bunk beds about an hour ago. It is now 2am and I’m still sat on the little sofa on the bus, Donna next to me as we’re both snuggled under a blanket.

Donna was the first person I ever really told about my dream of being a musician. I met her in high school and we became fast friends as we both loved writing songs and creating melodies. Over the years she had stuck to playing the drums, whereas I preferred the guitar and piano. As soon as the idea of forming my own band had nestled itself inside my head, I knew she would have to be a part of it. And she instantly accepted and was my main counterpart of the group. That was followed by Margot our violinist and keyboard/beat player, Jasmin our bassist and Donna’s younger sister Kelley who plays main guitar.

She yawns next to me and I can feel her sitting up slowly. ”Ugh, alright my love, I’m gonna go lie down now” she groans in a sleepy voice and stands up from the couch. “You coming?”

“Not yet, uhm, I still have to make a phone call…Or I might just make it a text. I don’t know yet” I smile at her tiredly.

“Okay but don’t be too long, we need you in excellent condition tomorrow” she winks at me and blows me a kiss before she disappears up the stairs to get to her bed.

I let out a sigh and stretch my legs out all the way onto the seat Donna has just occupied. I think back to the events of the night again and cherish this happy feeling that has settled in my chest ever since I first stepped foot on stage tonight.

With that feeling, I grab my phone and open my recent caller list. Seeing Sam’s name right at the top.

I kept thinking back to what happened earlier on the bus, right before he called me. And to be honest. Sam has been on my mind all day since then. I long to talk to him and so I don’t even hesitate to press his number and hold the phone to my ear.

I get hopeless the longer it rings, and once his voicemail gets activated I end the call frustrated and just stare at my phone.

“Okay, a text message it is then” I say to myself and go to open our text chain.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know tonight went really well and we’re back on the bus now on our way to Brussels. I’m sorry we couldn’t talk properly earlier. Give me a call later and you can tell me what you meant to say earlier? I hope you’re well Sam. Good night x  

Getting up from the sofa now as well, I take my phone and make my way up the stairs and into the small bathroom to get ready for bed. As I finally lie down in bed I check my phone and scroll on social media for another 10 to 15 minutes. As I put my phone down and close my eyes to let sleep take over, my last thought is on Sam. And that I hope to see a text from him or get a call first thing in the morning so we can talk and start on a positive note after these last few weeks of silence.    

[studying-vibing]

July 18, 2023 (Day 2)

Studying

- I spent literally over 9 hours on work today which was awful and it was mostly because people were clogging up the server so all my analysis took forever to run and then I had a million pre-processing steps

- I’m super annoyed because I know how to do everything but a process that takes 4 minutes now is taking over 1.5 hours so I can’t get my work done

- a bit scared cause only 20 days till my thesis is due and I have so much I need to get done but I’m currently (barely) on track

Fun

- Had fun snacks! Oreo and chips and salsa make great studying snacks

- Got to watch more Fantasy High while I waited for all the things to run (it took forever)

- used the nice shampoo and bath products so it felt amazing and lush

- I went for a walk which was good and I picked up a lot of trash

Thoughts

- I woke up and was able to start work at 6 am and that felt really amazing, I want to try and wake up early far more often but not sure how that will work tomorrow

- I’m super annoyed and tired that things are going wrong but I still need to be on top of it so I can actually graduate

Tomorrow

- I want to finish everything I wanted to do today (which unfortunately is a lot)

- I want to do the mapping tomorrow which will require a for loop and evaluation so I am a bit *worried* but if I can get that whole thing done I would be in a great place

[bookgeekgrrl]

My media this week (17-23 Mar 2024)

incredible art by harrydarlington

📚 STUFF I READ 📚

🥰 Oscar Wars: A History of Hollywood in Gold, Sweat, and Tears (Michael Schulman, author; Charlie Thurstonn, narrator) - definitely interesting and an enjoyable read. What mainly struck me was that things now are pretty much same as it ever was: the producers have always been horrible to the talent; the academy, despite two serious efforts to course correct, has always been conservative/racist/misogynist, etc.

😍 In Name Only (BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria) - 84K, 00Q - reread of this fandom classic/forever fave where Bond is 007 & Q is a participant in The Marketplace - love the way this explores Bond wrestling with concepts utterly unknown to him but also his own desires

🙂 Not With a Whimper, But a Bang (emptydistractions, seleneheart) - 46K, urban fantasy AU, dragon!Bucky - read for stucky bookclub - satisfactory read, some intriguing worldbuilding

😊 red wine supernova (donderwolk) - 91K, hocky rpf, one of them had to retire early from the NHL due to a chronic migraine condition, the other's a ceramcist who teaches a local rec center class. Very entertaining read, good quality angst. I enjoyed the characterizations very much

💖💖 +200K of shorter fic so shout out to these I really loved 💖💖

Sourwood Mountain (Pennyplainknits) - Stranger Things: Munson Family Feels, 5K - great fic with a genius premise and badass munson family feelings

For Which The First Was Made (leupagus) - Agatha Christie's Marple: Jane/Gabriel, 35K - great Miss Marple fic; as I told the author, I never pictured Miss Marple with a boytoy but after reading this fic and watching the inspiration for it, my mind has been EXPANDED. plus I love an epistolary story!

Interrupted Heists, Dentist Visits, and Other Romantic Dates For Your Fake Husband (Kiraly) - Original Work: OMCs, 7K - very fun original fic with two (opposing) sidekicks hitting it off & getting married for insurance reasons

📺 STUFF I WATCHED 📺

D20: Tiny Heist - s4, e4-6

D20: Fantasy High: Junior Year - "A Very Merry Moonar Yulenear" (s21, e11)

D20: Adventuring Party - "Chutes and Ladders" (s16, e11)

D20: Pirates of Leviathan - s7, e1-6

🎧 PODCASTS 🎧

Under the Influence - When You're This Big, They Call you Mister

Vibe Check - Hey, Sis: featuring Regina King

Short Wave - A Tale Of Two Bengali Physicists

WikiHole - Leprechauns (with MUNA!)

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - A Mission to find a Meteor with Amir Siraj

NPR's Book of the Day - Christine Blasey Ford tells her own story in 'One Way Back'

Today, Explained - How gangs took over Haiti

Consider This from NPR - A $418 Million Settlement Could Change U.S. Home Buying. But Who Benefits?

99% Invisible #574 - The Monster Under the Sink

Short Wave - Syphilis Cases Are Rising In Babies. Illinois Has A Potential Solution

Vibe Check - Till The Wheels Fall Off

Throughline - Radiolab: Worst. Year. Ever

Imaginary Worlds - Mother-in-Law of Oz

Twenty Thousand Hertz+ - Hans Zimmer's Remote Control

Today, Explained - Can Congress ban TikTok?

Throughline - The Great Textbook War

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Marching through the galaxy with Dr. Moiya McTier

Shedunnit - The Tea Leaf

Ologies - Field Trip: Alie’s Mystery Surgery!

Dear Prudence - My Parents Are Flaunting Their Wealth While I’m Drowning in Debt. Help!

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Road House And What's Making Us Happy

It's Been a Minute - Brittany talks bad accents and bad sex

Short Wave - The Evolutionary Mystery Of Menopause … In Whales

Switched on Pop - Rhapsody in Blue, Reimagined

Strong Songs - Strong Covers, Vol. 3

Imaginary Worlds - Class of '84: When Cyber Was Punk

Consider This from NPR - Stephen King Has Ruled The Horror Genre For 50 Years. But Is It Art?

Worlds Beyond Number - WWW #2: The Naming of Things

Worlds Beyond Number: Fireside - Fireside Chat for WWW ep002 The Naming of Things

Art of History - Art History Horror Story: The Nightmare

🎶 MUSIC 🎶

Eddie Cochran

CREDITS: Sharon Sheeley

My Baby Love

R&B Diva Classics

[d4isywhims]

15 questions for 15 mutuals!✨

i was tagged by these lovely bunch of people!! <;3 @moonfromearth @mosquito-cove @solitude-paradise @tinysimmer @blueflame-sims @leafbatraccoon @sirnlish thanks for the tag everyone!! sending you lots of love 🤍

1. are you named after anyone? i don’t think so 😵‍💫

2. when was the last time you cried? literally an hour ago because i saw this really sad video on tiktok omg i cry over the smallest things it’s ridiculous 😭

3. do you have kids? nope. i currently don’t see myself having kids but maybe it’ll change in the future :) but i do love talking with kiddies tho! they say the most unhinged things lmao

4. do you use sarcasm a lot? ummm not really :/

5. what sports do you play / have played? i was in my primary and high school’s netball team! i’m also a green-belter in karate and a black-belter in tae kwon do :) dabbled in rugby, not really good at it

6. what’s the first thing you notice about other people? their hair!

7. eye colour? brown

8. scary movies or happy endings? i loveeeeeee horror movies man but i’m also a sucker for happy endings :’)

9. any special talents? i can do a pretty mean side kick lmao ummm i like to think i’m a great cook!! oh oh i can also play the guitar and uke :D

10. where were you born? 🇲🇾

11. what are your hobbies? reading, gaming and just chilling tbh lol

12. do you have any pets? yes!!! i have three poodles :D

13. how tall are you? 166cm so like 5’4

14. favourite subject in school? oh man i love math!!! math and history.

15. dream job? a farmer :’) let me live my stardew valley fantasy out!!!

i feel like ALOT of my mutuals have done this tag game already during my short hiatus a few weeks ago sooo if you're reading this right now, consider yourself tagged!! :D

[yarboyandy]

January 2024 movie wrapped 😁 ! Thought this would be a fun thing to talk about wven if no one cares. This month I focused mainly on comedy and romance because thats what I wanna edit one day. Next month I might focus more on romance and drama.

This month I watched 20 movies total, my original goal was 25 (my current monthly goal) so I fell short by 5. Of the films I watched, I saw 8 in theaters (40%) and 12 at home (60%).

Next month I am most excited for Argylle (looks fun), Drive Away Dolls, and Lisa Frankenstien (February is a bit sparce…).

_____________________________________________

Favorite movie this month: The Iron Claw

Literally one of the best movies I’ve seen from Zack Efron…KEEP PUTTING HIM IN SHIT LIKE THIS ‼️ oscar snub tbch.

Least Favorite: Night Swim

is January fodder…literally boring. Nothing burger to me. Only cool thing to me was the coin thing at the end.

Undercut is my full list of films and thoughts.

1. Anyone But You (1/2/2024) 🍿

I was forced to walk out of this one by friends. fake dating movie that had bad acting from a cast comprised of good actors. I liked the premise tho, pictured it with old man yaoi the whole time.

2. The Boy and the Heron (1/4/2024)🍿

Saw this with my mom! I was kinda confused by it but it was really pretty. Really good voice cast 😁❤️❤️ I understood the message the day after, I would be hesitant to say this is one of the studios best, but it’s def top five….?

3. Night Swim (1/5/2024)🍿

saw with Olivia and Becca. JANUARY FODDER AT ITS FINEST! So stupid. Wasnt that bored tho! I really liked the coin thing at the end.

4. Migration (1/6/2024)🍿

Saw with Olivia in the coldest theater Ever. Really cute and charming 😁👍🏻 probably one of Illumination’s best but I haven’t seen a ton from them recently. Wayyyy too giddy for the return of the animated short before a movie.

5. The Color Purple (1/7/2024) 🍿

I need to stop seeing 2.5 hour long movies at 10 pm. Really good, forgot it was a musical in the middle cuz they weren’t singing LOL. Didn’t love the whole part where she forgives the dude who like abused her but hey. Uhhh. Yeah thats all i got

6. Ella Enchanted (1/8/2024) 🏠

Really cute classic for me ☹️ ROMCOMS MY BELOVED ❤️❤️❤️ first movie i watched at home this year! I miss the fantasy romcom genre that was big in the 90s to the 00’s, now it’s all realistic stuff :/ GIVE ME BACK THE FAIRYTALES!!

7. Bridesmaids (1/9/2024) 🏠

Every professor has told me to watch this so i finally did. Very enjoyable!! I like this director…I liked the tail lights themeing, but I wish the main girl and her friend got to talk more.

8. Pink Panther (1/9/2024) 🏠

Dont fw french people tbh.

9. Poor Things (1/10/2024) 🍿

STUNNING AMAZING PERFECT!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful film 😁😁😁😁❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ARRRRGGGGGGGGG OSCAR SWEEP IN MY HEART!! EVERY SEX SCENE WAS NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. High and Low (1/11/2024) 🏠

My heterosexual friend fell asleep next to me and missed 85% of the movie. Really good though!

11. Coraline (1/13/2024) 🏠

FUCKEDDDD UPPPP and amazing 😁❤️❤️❤️ i hope Laika can like. Make a good movie again soon….what who said that.

12. Zoolander (1/14/2024) 🏠

Silly goofy fun 😁❤️ fantastic cast. Ben stiller has the range. For some reason as a kid (like age 10) i assumed this movie was racist or something? (I had never seen it. LOL) Its not.

13. Leo (1/14/2024) 🏠

Watched this and played webkinz solitaire. No notes. I don’t remember anything anyways.

14. 22 Jump Street (1/15/2024) 🏠

Olivia was not very impressed, but it got me to chuckle. Didnt like the main love plotline bro wtf. But a very influential movie for 2010’s comedy. as I’m typing this I’m realizing I look like if Chaning Tatum and Jonah Hill had a fat baby.

15. the Princess Bride (1/16/2024) 🏠

SOOOO CUTE AND FUN GIGGLE 😁 they break the 180 rule did u know that.

16. Jumanj (1/16/2024) 🏠

I’ve never seen it before and it was fun but kinda sad like damn 😭 good CGI tbh

17. The Beekeeper (1/18/2024) 🍿

THE STUPIDEST, GOOFIEST, MOST FUN MOVIE OF ALL TIME THIS MONTH. ok but genuinely fantastic choreography. I’m da bee keeper….I must protect the hive….

18. Napeolon dynamite (1/19/2024) 🏠

Really fun and cute 😁😁 classic for a reason baby! Too bad this director didn’t seem to catch on after this film, his style is great.

19. Nacho Libre (1/20/2024) 🏠

I love this film and have a soft spot for it. Watched with all my friends, the soundtrack is really fun. Jack Black is a great physical actor.

20. The Iron Claw (1/25/2024) 🍿

Oh my god. Maybe I’ll call my sister or something later.

Bonus: TV shows I watched, not many thoughts

Buffy season 3. I got bored lol. Everyone is suicidal. Whatever.

Ten Year Old Tom. Funny!

Carol and The End Of The World: kinda confused me at times but really good really awesome everyone watch it.

Star Trek: SNW (end of season 1 + season 2) OHHHH MY GOODDDDDDDDD

Star Trek Lower Decks: EVERYONE WATCH THIS NOWWWWWW

[seradyn]

6 questions;

I was tagged by @blossom-adventures to answer some fun questions 😁

1. Last Song? - On the Wing by Owl City. They’re one of my favorite bands; I’ve listened to them since I was very young. Even had a little CD player I used to listen to this album with. This song is absolutely gorgeous.

2. Last show? - I don’t watch much cable/network stuff. But if you’re really looking for something new My Name is Earl has always been a comfort show of mine. I watched it with my dad and sister and it’s really a fantastic show. Although be warned it got canceled on a cliffhanger, so there’s no satisfactory ending. I mostly watch YouTube though.

3. Currently watching? - Similar to previous question, right now I’m watching a YouTube series. Revisiting Needs Gaming play Ark: Survival Evolved because one of characters on the show, Thick44 (real name Tony Schnur), passed away recently. I watched them play Ark back in high school, so I wanted to revisit that series to pay respects to Tony. Their videos have brought me countless hours of entertainment. Me, my sister, and her fiancé all play Ark together too, so I always felt a deep connection to this series in particular.

Long live the Wyvern King.

4. Currently reading? - Exclusively fanfics 😂 The last one I read was Sweet Disaster by creative_frequency on AO3. Very sweet Ardyn story with some great smut thrown in. You should definitely check it out if you’re an Ardyn person. If you read part two, I suggest you pick the second outcome if you want the best ending 🥰

5. Current obsession? - Well, I’ve dedicated an entire blog to Ardyn soooo 😂😂 speaks for itself I think. Aside from that though, Final Fantasy in general has been an amazing community to join. I’ve only been a fan for about 2 years, I grew up a Nintendo kid and never had access to the consoles that had FF. Got into FFVII in 2020 and it was over. The amount of love and connection I feel to the characters constantly surprises me. And playing Dissidia has made me love the characters from games I haven’t played yet. I currently have all the pixel remasters, FFVII-IX on switch, X, XII, XIII, and XV on steam. I’m halfway through IX, with X being first in line for me to play next. I hope I can get to all of them 😁

6. Unrelated obsession? - I have quiet a few, although FF will always be my greatest love. Pokémon would probably be my second biggest obsession. One of my first ever games was Pokémon Pearl, and I’ve loved the games since. I’m like a walking encyclopedia for the damn pocket monsters 😂 I also played around in competitive VGC, so I’m a pretty good battler too.

This was fun! Thank you for the tag! I’ll poke @savage-rhi if they want to answer 🥰 I hope you and blossom are doing well ❤️

[storybook-souls]

top ten books i read in 2022

in order of how much i enjoyed them, not necessarily how good they are, although i do stand by them all being good. limited myself to one per series bc i do think otherwise seven out of these ten would be the raven cycle and the locked tomb series. add me on storygraph @strawberrrysky for more book opinions and also bc i desperately want more storygraph friends

(i promise my descriptions get shorter as i go on)

1. The Raven Boys, by Maggie Stiefvater

i somehow missed reading trc when i was a teenager and then avoided it for a while out of a combination of stubbornness and a total misconception of what the books were about. fortunately this year my friends responded to my plea for fantasy books in a modern setting by telling me to just suck it up and read the raven boys already and by the end of chapter 1 i was intrigued, by the end of chapter 7 i was locked the fuck in, by the end of chapter 15 i was like “oh okay this is gonna be my personality for a while.” the prose, the system of magic, the atmosphere, and above all the characters...augh. i love these books and i love the raven boys in particular i think maggie stiefvater REALLY knows how to establish her characters and her world and how to pull a reader in and how to give you that bubbly “it was starting!” feeling right alongside the characters. also the whole last act of this book made me experience brand new emotions. i could go on but i think everyone who hasn’t read these books yet should at least CONSIDER it.

2. Harrow the Ninth, by Tamsyn Muir

it’s CRAZY how good this book (the second in the locked tomb series) is. it’s CRAZY. it shouldn’t work but it absolutely does. the prose, the set-up and payoff, the hiding things in plain sight. there’s NOTHING more satisfying than the way everything clicks together at the end. tamsyn muir said “you ARE going to read this book that’s inexplicably in second person and seems at first to totally disregard the first book in the series and you’re going to love it” and i respect her so much for that. and the CHARACTERS! the PLOT! genuine masterpiece i think it’s one of the smartest-written books i’ve ever read

3. Gravity is the Thing, by Jaclyn Moriarty

i LOVED this book. Jaclyn Moriarty’s prose is so melodic and fun to read--usually when i read a book in three days it means something about the plot really seized me but in this case it was more just how much i was enjoying her style. it manages to balance a sense of whimsy with feeling real and honest, which is exactly what i want from this kind of contemporary fiction. book about connection, book about grief, book about hope, loss, healing, resilience, imagination...when i finished it i cried for half an hour and it felt like my soul had taken a shower

4. Piranesi, by Susanna Clarke

Piranesi had been “at the top of my to-read list” for over a year by the time i finally got to it and i was a bit worried my expectations were going to be too high but oh my GOD was it every bit as good as everyone said. NO one is doing it like this book and I don’t want to tell you much more about it because I think the less you know the better but what a win for slow reveals and satisfying endings.

5. The Book of Eels, by Patrik Svensson

my nonfiction winner for this year. I learned so much about eels and also cried about humanity and family which is always what I’m looking for from a book

6. The Only Good Indians, by Stephen Graham Jones

i have GOT to get into reading more horror this book was so awesome. scary and brilliantly written and atmospheric and didn’t pull its punches even at all.

7. Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton

one of my few re-reads this year but i LOVE this book, especially the masterful slow build in the first half of it. the horror of a dinosaur eating someone is one thing, the horror of human hubris and dramatic irony is another.

8. The Devourers, by Indra Das

the most visceral book i’ve ever read i think. now THIS is love and consumption! now THIS is a book about telling stories and being human!

9. Artificial Condition, by Martha Wells

The murderbot diaries are like. 80% funny and fast-paced and action packed and then all of a sudden you’ll hit a line or a concept that makes you have to put the book down and take a few laps around the room. Murderbot’s relationship with ART especially made me really feel like I was losing my mind. This is what I like about sci-fi.

10. The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman

this book is incredibly well written and i think the horror elements stuck with me more than some of the actual horror books I read this year. just a really gorgeous and atmospheric and dreamlike story that manages to convincingly feel like it’s playing with huge things while still keeping the scope of the story very small. like a whole ocean in a pond, one could say,

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

11. The Queen’s Gambit, by Walter Tevis (can’t help it i’m a sucker for a chess game)

12. Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn (i think i’d’ve liked it more if i hadn’t already known all the twists but even knowing what was going on it was still fucking awesome)

13. Owls of the Eastern Ice, by Jonathan C. Slaght (i think i learned more from this one than anything else i read this year)

14. The Traitor Baru Cormorant, by Seth Dickinson (no one is doing it like her)

15. Black Cake, by Charmaine Wilkerson (a win for my book club)

[rigelmejo]

3/7/2023 progress update

because I haven’t done one in a while, and because I like to compare with older progress logs ToT. Also because I’ve been doing a mix of random things lol.

Japanese:

Not much to say. I would still desperately like it to improve more, but I’m not putting in enough study time and i know that lol. I got through about 40+ Glossika Japanese audios, but there’s like 300 so why am I going so slow ;-; rip. I did pick up a second hand novel about a cat this past weekend in japanese (it seemed written for middle school to high schoolers in terms of text difficulty) and i could read some pieces of it! which i know is not a big accomplishment, but to read ANYTHING in japanese from a novel brand new that I have no prior context for is a pretty large achievement for me. I can read a bit of japanese Guardian translation, but I know the Guardian novel so well I can rely a lot on prior context to ‘guess’ my way though wtf is going on. 

Japanese video games - I took a break. In the long run though my break reminds me why I love these games though, so it’ll surely get me to study more down the road. I’m playing Kingdom Hearts in english again, and Like a Dragon Ishin with eng subs (and Soseki IS A CAMEO SIDE STORY IN THE GAME which absolutely thrills me because his novels and murakami’s are pretty much the Only Japanese novels I’ve read much of, i studied from Soseki’s stories a few months ago! ToT so to play around and get to ‘help him name the stories’ is just so fun and cute). I’m not picking up much japanese, obviously, from playing with english subs. But I imagine as in the past, it’s helping prevent loss of what I’ve learned. Before the break, I played about 30 hours of Final Fantasy X in japanese and 6 hours of Persona 3. Both experiences went quite well, next time I get back into playing games in japanese I think I’m going to replay Nier Automata. 

(If you are also a learner: I think personally Nier Automata is going to be easier to play than Nier Replicant in japanese. I considered both but Nier Replicant requires all weapons acquired which requires a Specific level of japanese skill to understand enough of the quest dialogues to get all weapons. Whereas Nier Automata you can fuck around and as long as you beat each ending you can continue through the game to the end - so I can read the side quest dialogues if I want and do them, but I won’t have to stop the game or look up a FAQ if I don’t understand something. Instead I can just skip it. And Nier Automata’s main story is fairly easy to follow, from memory and with the map markers, its fairly easy to move forward in the plot without getting lost. Also I have some of the Nier Automata novellas in japanese on kindle, so playing them in japanese will probably help make those reading materials easier). 

I think I should at some point be pushing myself harder with japanese - like jdramas with only japanese subs, or anime with japanese audio and no subs, or reading manga/novels more. Video Games are officially my comfort zone. Both because they’ve been a long term goal (so I’m satisfied to not improve past what they require of me), but also because comprehension of them is now good enough I can just play them and relax and not put in the effort to look stuff up or fry my brain if i don’t want to. (Reflecting on that: maybe I should watch more japanese lets plays, that’d be a good transition toward jdrama with subs in terms of difficulty). But on the other hand? I AM at a goal I wanted to be at for years. So I’m content to not improve much for a while/improve only as much as gaming naturally forces me to as I run into new words.

Study plan continues to be: get through glossika japanese (whenever the fuck i can MAKE myself continue), and play japanese video games <3

Chinese:

this is the meaty stuff lol. I was totally neglecting chinese the past few months (so what maybe winter?). Justice in the Dark came out. I am now in the ABYSS guys. I am on weibo so much just searching for updates of when the show will resume airing I have gotten a lot more comfortable on there in terms of reading posts/scanning for what I want versus want to ignore. And I am one of the LAZIEST people in some regards, in the sense I’d prefer to muddle through and puzzle out what something means then put in the effort to click a post, copy the text, open google translate, paste the text, and read through the translation. So for the most part I’ve just been zooming through weibo reading stuff since I am too bothered to use google translate unless i see something with specific dates mentioned and i wanna be Sure I grasped what they meant right. It’s probably fucking 2+ hours a day on weibo (i’d be horrified to admit possibly 4 hours god please don’t shame me ;-; I know I should use social media less okayyyyy). It’s like 1-2 hours on bilibil (being honest probably also fucking... 4 hours or horrifically more... don’t just don’t ask). I also made a fucking condensed audio version of Justice in the Dark, so I’m relistening (along with seeing the text subtitles in reaction vids/edits so much i’m getting so much RE-exposure i’m picking up any misunderstandings and fixing em). I am also listening to the audiobook and the audio drama of Silent Reading. I listened to like 3 hours of chinese audio-only stuff yesterday (5 chapters of the audiobook, half of audio drama 1, 1 condensed audio ep which is a heaping 35 minutes, and that’s not counting anything i listened to that was a video lmao). I also, because i’ve been missing it, listened to like 6 Ice Fantasy condensed audio files lately (which is idk also another 3 hours lets say). I’ve also been reading a bit, novels wise, but it’s really miniscule like maybe 20 minutes every few days compared to the sheer volume of time i’m on a social media or listening to chinese audio. 

So basically. If a day is 24 hours and i’m asleep 7 and working 8 and at a doctor 2, nearly all the other time is chinese stuff right now. So like... 7 hours? Maybe 4 minimum if we don’t count the time I’m reading stuff in english lately. I’m getting in way more chinese content then I have in a WHILE.

I knew this would happen when a drama i was interested in dropped. In fact for me personally, its worse than if Immortality dropped. Because Silent Reading is my fave priest novel I’ve read. So I absolutely am in DEEP right now. If it was any other drama, I might at least be taking some breaks lol. But Silent Reading/Justice in the Dark is like 80% of my brain space rn. Back when Word of Honor aired, my chinese comprehension took a leap for similar reasons. I was watching episodes before eng subs came out, rewatching eps over and over in reaction vids and video edits which let me pick up any words i didn’t understand the first time around (and made me practice listening to the audio since not every fan-made vid or reaction includes show subs). I went from ‘struggling to watch shows in chinese with no english subs or word lookups’ to ‘i can turn a show on and watch like it’s an english show for the most part - maybe some initial confusion if its a brand new genre until i learn the genre words by watching’ that i was left AFTER Word of Honor aired. After which point I watched Killer and Healer, and some Ma Tianyu shows that had no english subs all summer. After the Ma Tianyu shows pretty much any show not wildly outside my normal genres watched got about as easy to watch as english, in the sense i could start watching when tired or without looking at the screen as a ‘background show’ when i wanted. Word of Honor improved my language skills a LOT just cause I got so into it. It also got me better with novels, indirectly, because afterward I was able to move into extensive reading with no word lookups more often (difficult but it became at least doable sometimes).

I am way more into Justice in the Dark then I am Word of Honor (and i loved woh). But jitd is like GUARDIAN to me. I watched guardian like 5 times in the first months i found it and still rewatch and probably have the lines memorized. I pick up new details every time i watch guardian - same with jitd, i am BLOWN AWAY by how much information density is in each episode and how much i missed that i catch the next time around. I mean... dialogue alone in ep 1 is 35 minutes, in guardian it’s usually 20 minutes max time spent on dialogue. And the visuals clearly also put in their effort in jitd because i keep finding more i appreciate There too. So yeah. This particular circumstance of the show existing means i am in a pit and i’m going to be propelled on for a good while. 

I’m in this weird space, which generally means I’m making ‘progress’, where my chinese comprehension feels irritatingly ‘worse/not good enough’ again. Usually the pattern is: I feel like I barely understand, then I learn some stuff and feel AMAZED I understand so well, then I understand so much I start noticing what weak spots I still don’t grasp and the pattern repeats. I’m in that 3rd part where I just moved past feeling like ‘wow I understand this so well!’ to ‘fuck i am SO frustrated that a specific line was unclear to me, and I WISH i didn’t fail to grasp the paragraph i just heard, i’m so annoyed i NEEDED the reactor’s chinese subs to tell what word she said’ etc. 

But it’s like? Those are awesome things to notice i’m ‘bad’ at. Because I wasn’t even at a level of comprehension where I could understand enough to be bothered by these things, before. Like... I was listening to MoDu’s audio drama driving home yesterday, and I knew every scene, and I realized when it was the scene of the fuckers taking a picture of He Zhongyi’s dead body (that I listened to about 2 months ago and couldn’t figure out before)... and you know what I got frustrated with? That when Luo Wenzhou and the police were talking about the clues I had to guess ‘qianzi’ meant label on He Zhongyi’s forehead, because I couldn’t place the word in my memory. I was frustrated I didn’t follow every single clue... even though in the past I’d have been just SO beyond grateful to even realize I was listening to a specific scene where I could identify they’re talking about the dead body and evidence at the crime scene generally. Now I find myself getting annoyed I didn’t catch EXACTLY all the details. I’m catching the main ones easily, which now means I can afford to notice and be frustrated with individual sentences/sentence parts with details I don’t know some of the words in. 

Same with the audiobook. I’ve been listening this past week, and I knew what scene I was listening to as it went. Which I’d not been able to do before, when listening to modu’s audiobook maybe 4 months ago. Now I don’t struggle to place the scene. Instead I do struggle with a paragraph to 3-5 here and there, or a chunk of a sentence I hear. And it frustrates me a LOT. But damn if it’s not eons better than I was even just 4 months ago. Guardian audiobook is usually the only one I CAN listen to without reading the chinese text beforehand, just because I know Guardian’s story so well. I want to eventually be able to move into listening to new audiobooks and audio dramas I’ve never heard before so progress here is critically exciting to me. Don’t get me wrong though - i still think a BRAND NEW novel audiobook or audio drama with no prior context would be too hard. The Modu audio drama i can ONLY follow because i know the names already, and general settings. Otherwise I think the lack of those introductions and setting explanations would make it impossible for me to follow. A new audiobook.... might eventually be doable for me though. Since audiobooks DO introduce the characters and settings with description. But I think audio-word recognition is still my weaker area compared to reading. 

Anyway. In summary: justice in the dark drama came out and now i predict within 3-4 months my chinese comprehension will be improved at least a significant level because i’m just doing SO much. ;-;

[rainy-circle]

Fan Fic Writer 20 Questions

I was tagged by @unmaskedcardinal! Aw yissss I love these thank you! Putting this under a cut because I never shut up on ask memes, sorry

How many works do you have on Ao3?

Just 10! And at least uh... 6? Of those are drabbles or shorter fics. It probably should be 11, because years ago I deleted an unfinished fic, not because I didn't like it anymore or was ashamed of it, but just because it was unfinished. But we'll talk about that more later I think.

What's your total Ao3 word count?

63,621. Not bad, I suppose.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

On AO3, only 4, but more than that, I assure you. On AO3 it's Overwatch, Rise of the Guardians, The Adventure Zone, and Legend of Zelda. But during high school I wrote a LOT of Kingdom Hearts fic, and before that I wrote some Avatar: The Last Airbender fic. And there have been various little oneshots or drabbles in assorted other fandoms, but those are the big ones!

What are your top five fics by kudos?

Gonna do it in countdown mode because that's fun:

5: Familiarity, a collection of Bunnymund/Toothiana drabbles that originated as my answers for them for a domesticity meme. I'm actually pretty surprised this is within the top 5, haha!

4: Costume Change, a short Symmetra/Pharah drabble I wrote for @5idestuff once upon a time!! The two of them being flirty cuties at a Halloween party.

3: Triptych, a 3-part D.Va/Lucio/Junkrat soulmate AU fic! Only 2/3 done unfortunately. The first part is how the three of them meet and the second part is how the three of them come together, learn more about each other, and how their ideals clash. The third part if I ever finish it will be... well, it's hard to really say without spoiling stuff but it'll be essentially how they come back together and reconcile.

2: Old Habits, a very (currently) unfinished attempt at making a Symmetra/Genji slow-burn long fic that's also a globe-trotting adventure that emphasizes platonic relationships. I absolutely know how it ends, and I have a LOT of scattered ideas of what happens in-between where I left off and there, but I don't know the exact ORDER it all goes in. And also, Blizzard sort of took a big ol' dump on my enthusiasm for Overwatch related things but fuck do I still love this ship, haha.

1: Heart to Heart to Heart, a The Adventure Zone: Balance kind of 'missing scene' fic about Tres Horny Bois being each other's found family and BEST FRANNNNDS 4 LYFE. I'm actually really happy that my most highly kudos'd fic is the one about the totally platonic/familial relationship. Don’t read unless you’ve finished listening to The Eleventh Hour arc of the podcast.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

ABSOLUTELY I DO. It can take me months but I just gotta thank people for taking the time to write something. (also, you can make friends through commenting on fic. Take it from me and my bestie of 10+ years.

What's the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Overall? Probably some of my Kingdom Hearts fics from back when I was a teenager and I apparently hadn’t figured out Everyone Lives/No One Dies AUs existed yet. But in terms of what's on AO3, I'd say where Triptych is right now (end of chapter 2) is probably the angstiest.

Do you write crossovers?

Kiiiiiiind of? I mean, Kingdom Hearts is a giant Disney-Final Fantasy crossover, and I think it greatly influenced my taste in crossovers. It think I can only really write fic for it if a) the original canons take place in similar enough settings or b) it's complete crack and I'm not taking it seriously at all.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not hate, to the best of my memory, but I remember I once got a probably like... overly harshly critical comment on an A:TLA fic way back in the day when I was like a very young teen. And someone being like "um actually I do NOT like this extremely self-indulgent crack ship of yours and preferred THIS OTHER one you wrote."

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Only in VERY rare and occasional circumstances. I kind of jokingly call myself demi-smutual, in that I need to be very emotionally attached to a ship to write porn of them. And uhh... what kind? Not sure what that means exactly, but I'd probably say I'm only capable of writing what I've seen called 'safe, sane, and consensual'. And I will almost certainly be too embarrassed to post it publicly SORRY Y'ALL.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not.........exactly I don't think? I seem to remember back in my FF.net days checking if a crackship I had in the Twilight fandom (TWILIGHT of all things y'all) had any fics besides mine, and there was a drabble that I think used some of the same... phrasing as mine? It was weird. I could probably look it up to see if it's still there, but I'm too lazy for that.

There was one time on Livejournal when I remember someone used a lot of the same songs as I did on a fanmix in the same fandom as me, but I was even more allergic to confrontation back then than I am now, and I probably figured "well I can't PROOOVE they copied me! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

Luckily no straight up word-for-word plagiarism, as far as I know.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No! I'd be honoured if it ever happens though.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really! Triptych is connected to the same fic universe (ficverse?) as a couple of @noirsongbird‘s soulmate Overwatch fics, but we didn't cowrite any of it, other than like, checking that they're canon to each other sorta!!!!

What’s your all time favourite ship?

Honestly my go-to answer for this question is Okikurmi/Amaterasu from Okami, but I've never really written fic for them!

What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The mysterious 11th work that I mentioned earlier was a Bunnymund/Toothiana slowburn fic that was basically me taking what I knew of the book lore from what I'd read on the internet and transferring it into the world of the movie, but I eventually decided I didn't really want to trust just internet summaries and would want to read the books myself. Ever since then I've thought maybe I would return to it if I ever actually read the books, but that hasn't happened yet! Although... I have been sort of blanking on anything for my Christmas list. I, a 30 year old woman, can ask for a series of children's novels for Christmas right??? Maybe? Anyway.

What are your writing strengths?

Fuck. Shit. UHHH. My inner critic always makes this and the weaknesses question difficult. But I'm going to go with characterization. I've been cursed to fall in love with incredibly minor characters since I was at LEAST 12, and been making up their personalities and backstories whole cloth for them. I just really enjoy thinking about characters and what they are consistent about and what they are more flexible about! Thinking about their interactions and shit.

What are your writing weaknesses?

UHH. SHIT. Fuck. Does confidence, or rather, lack thereof, count? Sometimes, especially recently, I think I just overthink too much while I'm writing and get worried about like... "have I used said to many times. has this character smiled and nodded too many times. this is probably so BLAND". I used to be a lot more confident as a teenager but that was probably at least partially due to the fact that all teenagers are at least a little stupid. (If you are a teenager and you reading this, it's true. You'll realize it eventually. Hopefully.)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Not sure what this question means, exactly? Like, writing a character sometimes saying dialogue in another language? If a character is canonically bilingual, I imagine it only makes sense for the character to sometimes shift languages, especially if they aren't thinking about what's coming out of their mouth. I think I've only done it recently in a couple of Overwatch fics, and they're generally short phrases of greeting, or in one case a prayer. Idk, I think it's fine, but like most things in writing, be careful not to overuse it.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

I think it was Neopets!

What’s your favourite fic you’ve ever written?

There's actually a couple of Kingdom Hearts fics from my Livejournal days that spring immediately to mind. I haven't reread them in years but just the process of writing and finishing them was something I was very proud of. In terms of what's on my AO3, Heart to Heart to Heart is probably my favourite - it came out pretty much exactly as it was in my head. I'm also really fond of at least the first three chapters of Old Habits. The fourth is okay, but in my mind it's very clearly written after my enthusiasm for Blizzard and thus Overwatch waned. idk maybe it's just me!!

Who do you tag?

LET'S SEE: @noirsongbird @5idestuff @trilies @beamkatanachronicles @snyland @my1stgirlfriendturnedintothemoon OBVIOUSLY you don’t need to do it if you don’t want to but if you feel like it!

[metaldragoon]

Well, I was tagged by @lordsky4ever​ to shuffle and list the first 10 songs on my playlist and post them, and I don’t want to let my countryman down.  I spent like an hour listening and writing about every song AND NOW it appears I cannot add music to a post on Desktop, so I made a separate post with those songs on my phone and then thought I’d edit in what I wrote after, but I also cannot do that on desktop.  A miserable disconnect.  Anyways, BELOW THE CCUT! you can read what I wrote about my post you just scrolled past if you want.  Thankfully the add music feature puts the songs in backwards order so everything I wrote is in opposite order so it’ll either start or end really inconveniently depending on how you read/listen, if anyone does such a thing, which I don’t expect anyone to because 10 songs is a lot and I would never do that as I find Tumblr’s music player/Spotify extension to be both inconvenient. But, perhaps you at least know one or two songs already and can read my small thoughts on that, even though half of the songs I don’t really have anything to say about it.

1. Counting Stars by Sugarcult - One of the most depressing songs of my life! I don’t recall the specifics of what I did when I first listened to it but I know who I have a lot of associated thoughts with regarding this song.  It’s a go-to whenever I’m sad and want to just continue to being sad.  I know I originally liked some other song by them called “Bouncing Off The Walls” which is probably what lead me to listening to more by them, but BOTW (I don’t think that acronym is used for anything else) is a much more upbeat song as the band is in general, and I don’t think I really vibe with much of their other songs. 2. Psychotubes by Moon Hooch - I know nothing about this band, this is just some Spotify suggested song that I really liked.  They’re described as “jazz fusion/nu jazz” but I have no idea what either of those genres mean.  They be drumming and saxophoning and it’s a good song to run to (this entire playlist was my go-to running playlist when I used to have CELLULAR DATA) 3. Low by Cracker - Kind of a grungy country rock song, reading their Wiki which is what I think I will do with every band while I listen through all these songs and speak my thoughts, it appears to be their most popular song. I do find myself particularly disliking the band name Cracker, seems like I am on to some confederate jams or something.  Spotify has already subjected me to two ad segments over 3 songs. 4. Wait and Bleed by Slipknot - I didn’t really listen to Slipknot until after high school although I would say I am a pretty big fan now, but this is the one song I consistently listened to before the rest of Slipknot presented themselves to me.  I remember in Gr. 9/10 there was a hot emo girl named Michelle that I had a crush on and always thought about when I listened to this song because the lyrics go inside “my shell” I wait and bleed but I thought it was “Michelle.” In the end I don’t believe I ever spoke to her in my life because I am a social recluse 5. Ghosts by the Presets - Another band I don’t know anything about, or at least the name “Presets” but they have a very generic pop sound that I was a little embarrassed about because I thought it might be like Coldplay or something.  Apparently they are Australian and very popular.   6. Kill Your Darlings by Mesh - I don’t know Mesh either, but I do find this song really good.   I’m confused because they have 7 albums on Wiki but they’re all red links and despite being British are just popular in Germany.  Maybe I need to get on the .de to figure out more. 7.  Shutterbug by Big Boi - Apparently this song came out in 2010 which feels weird I thought it was way older.  Anyways, I love it, one of my favourite beats and a lot of times it was the first song I sought out whence beginning my trots. 8. We Will Rock You by Queen - I remember as a kid I was convinced this song was in Final Fantasy IX but later learned that was just Kuja’s boss theme which isn’t terribly similar.  I think it’s a pretty funny song but I won’t lie it still pumps me up. 9. Never Come Down by Cunninlynguists -  I think it was two years ago I finally listened to Cunninlynguists, who I’d heard of a while ago ‘cuz their name stands out but is also kind of dumb so I never bothered, but I was really hooked once I did hear.  This isn’t my favourite song and my one hater friend criticised me for listening to them ‘cuz they do dumb lyrics I guess but I’m a big fan.  I played a lot of TRACKMANIA while listening to them.   10. peacefall by Purity Ring - Mmm I was sad one day and it was pouring out in the middle of the nights so I took a very long walk and I posted a video of the rain on here and I was listening to this song looping when I did that.  I only know like 3 songs by Purity Ring and they seem amazing but I’m bad about actually remembering to listen to bands.  I’ve been thinking a lot about songs to use for an AMV for Berserk if I ever did one and this song has been a heavy contender.