#and now I’m crying because I’m making him feel my dysphoria

[autism-crime]

Y’all ever write something and start crying about it because it really resonates with you.

Yeah I’m doing it right now.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop watching porn?

This is pretty simple tbh. NSFW mentions of porn, sex, and masturbation.

🐣🐣

I am a transgender man and struggle a lot with sexual intimacy. I don’t think I’m on the ace spectrum, I just have a lot of insecurities and dysphoria that I’m working through. I still crave sexual intimacy, I just get very anxious about it. My boyfriend is understanding but a little pushy at times because he’s got a high sex drive. He doesn’t do it on purpose and backs off when I tell him to. Important to mention that my boyfriend is cis. So, because of this, my boyfriend usually takes care of himself. I help out whenever I feel comfortable.

Recently, we somehow started talking about porn and hentai (don’t remember the context of the conversation) and I asked him what he does when he takes care of himself. He said he watches porn, which I was surprised to hear but it makes sense because he has aphantasia. So, he can’t really imagine me or anything. Sometimes he uses my photos, but he said he needs some movement. At first I was fine with it, but then he mentioned that he only watches straight porn.

Now, I know my reaction was out of line, because I started crying and calling him an asshole for watching straight porn when he’s dating a trans guy. He’s pansexual, so he can really watch any kind of porn he wants, but I just started freaking out for some reason.

He kept telling me that there was no good gay stuff or ftm stuff, which is just straight up not true. There’s plenty of ftm nsfw content, but when I mentioned that, he said it felt weird and fetishistic.

I told him it hurts me when he watches straight porn, he said that’s stupid and he needs something to get off to. Fair enough but it still hurts me. There’s just something about me trying so hard to get past my anxiety and dysphoria so we can finally be intimate with each other and him blatantly disrespecting my gender identity that hurts like hell.

Plus, every time I suggested we do something that I’m into, he shot me down. I’m a bit of a kinkier guy and he’s very vanilla, despite insisting that he’s into the same stuff as me. I 100% respect his boundaries and never brought it up again. But I don’t think it’s fair that he won’t even try stuff with me that might make intimacy more enjoyable for me and then goes and watches straight porn. I keep trying to make our sex live work and he can’t even be bothered to figure out ftm bodies. Idk.

I talked to an online friend and they called me biphobic.

Am I out of line for trying to tell him what kind of porn to watch? Am I overreacting?

[veritas-scribblings]

hold - @bartylusmicrofic - words: 967 [mature: discussions of sex and under-age sex, some references to gender dysphoria]

[follow-up to 'teach', (y)earn universe | because @rayjkss said 'second part' and then this was on my brain all day]

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Barty demands. He drops himself onto the bed opposite Regulus and stares with such intensity that Regulus is forced to look up from the book he’s reading. ‘We need to give it a name. I don’t know what to call it.’

‘Deimos,’ Regulus says. ‘I’ve always liked that name. And in my family, we name things after stars. Granted, it’s one of the moons of Mars, but Narcissa is a flower name, so I think we can bend the rules.’

‘No, I meant your dick.’ Barty says this so bluntly, angrily, that Regulus feels his heart leap into his throat and suddenly he wants to shrink and die on the spot. ‘Evan told me about it.’

Regulus frowns. Because surely Barty isn’t stupid. Evan can’t be that stupid either. So, Regulus doesn’t know what’s happening anymore. Barty seems to be on a different wavelength than he is, which isn’t unusual since Barty is normally on a different wavelength than most people.

Only, Regulus can normally keep up with him. Now, however, Regulus’s world is dust.

Regulus closes the book in his lap with a snap and tries not to close his eyes as well, because Barty looks so angry and frustrated that Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if he started crying. ‘Barty,’ he says in a low voice. ‘I don’t have a dick. I thought you’d realised that from all the times we’ve, well, been naked together.’

Barty flops down onto the bed dramatically, groaning. ‘This is why we need to give it a name,’ he says to the roof. ‘And you’re not calling it Deimos. Because, I fully respect your right to name your own body, but calling it Deimos while we’re in bed will make it feel like there’s three of us.’ And then quieter, sounding almost sad, he says, ‘I didn’t realise it wasn’t good for you. I’m sorry, I thought it was good for you too.’

‘Barty,’ Regulus sighs. ‘Respectfully. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.’

Barty sits up, eyes wide. ‘Sex. I’m talking about sex. According to Evan, you’ve never had an orgasm and I’m doing it all wrong, and I didn’t know! I’m sorry, there aren’t books in the library on “how to have sex” or “how to make sure sex is good” and I just don’t know where to find that sort of information, because it’s not like my parents keep sex guides in the house. I guess I could rob an adult book store, but I just didn’t think I’d need to because I didn’t think I’d need an instruction manual to do this properly!’ 

Oh. 

‘I didn’t realise I needed to draw you a map,’ Regulus says, flushing. 'And you didn't do it all wrong. It felt just fine.' It comes out flat, curt, which makes Barty even more upset. But Regulus just really doesn’t want to be having this conversation right now. 

Right now, Regulus wants to know how he can kill Evan without hurting Evan. And maybe only temporarily. Because he’d been pretty damned clear when talking to Evan that the conversation and the contents of it were to remain entirely between the two of them. Forever away from Barty’s ears.

‘I don’t need a map,’ Barty mutters. ‘I just…need to know of its existence.’

Regulus sighs, shuffles back so he’s leaning against his pillows, knees pulled to his chest. He thinks, perhaps, he can set the bed curtains on fire, run away in all the chaos, because he doesn’t want to be having this conversation right now.

The thing is, Regulus has never been uncomfortable about his body around Barty or Evan, not in the way he feels uncomfortable around others. The way he avoids using the Quidditch Change Rooms because he doesn’t like the eyes of others on him, people wondering why he's different.

Regulus trusts Evan and Barty implicitly and has historically been very open with them. Comfortable dressing and undressing around them. Laying in bed together, cuddling, curled up in their little ball of comfort, when there’s been limbs and body parts everywhere. 

But things with Barty are different now. When Barty touches him in a way that isn’t the normal way friends touch each other. Makes Regulus feel in ways friends don’t normally make each other feel. Regulus just doesn’t know how to deal with it, with the topic of his body when he willingly gives Barty access to it. He wants Barty to just know, the way Barty generally just knows everything. 

And Regulus is aware that this is unfair of him, to lay those kind of expectations on Barty. Even Barty can’t just know everything.

Barty shuffles over, wraps an arm around Regulus and curls against him so he’s in Regulus’s arms. He looks up at Regulus, all doe-eyed in what he probably thinks is a ‘seductive’ sort of way, and says with a small smile, ‘Evan says we need to “communicate more”. Apparently communication is important.’ 

‘I hate talking.’

‘Sure, but you love me. And,’ Barty grins, ‘I want to make sure it feels good for you.’

‘It felt fine.’

Barty rolls his eyes and nudges Regulus in his side. ‘It shouldn’t just feel fine. It should feel incredible. Like, the best thing you’ve ever felt. I want to make you feel good too.’

Regulus sighs and slides down so he’s laying on his side, face buried against Barty. The thing is, it’d genuinely felt good. Nice. Sure, he'd been aware that it'd felt nicer for Barty than it had for him. But Regulus hadn’t seen a problem with that, even when Evan had called it a ‘problem’. Because apparently Regulus is not allowed to have, what Evan had called, ‘subpar sex’. 

Regulus nods into Barty’s chest, hoping desperately that Barty intuitively knows (the way Barty naturally seems to know most things) what he means. Regulus will try—he will—to work through this.

[goingmerryfics]

So since you’re on impel down you’ve surely seen my darling favorite villain Sir Crocodile so may i request just some soft x reader fluff or headcanons for him x a trans male reader i never see x masculine stuff for him but I love him very muchhhhhhh thank youuu 💚👉👈

Trans Male Reader w/ Crocodile

Content: Trans Male reader, he/him pronouns, coming out. No emphasis on if they’re pre or post-op top or bottom so feel free to picture this as you will. No NSFW!

Notes* Thank you for the ask! When I tell you I fell in love with this man the moment he showed up in Alabasta-

You’re not the only one he’s interacted with that doesn’t fully align with the stereotypical gender norms See: Mr. 2

Anyway, as a trans man myself, I’m very happy that this just so happened to be my first official ask. It kind of turned into a bit of a comfort fic, hope that's ok! Please enjoy!

Crocodile

Crocodile knows you’re trans before you tell him

So while you were panicking about coming out to him in the midst of your blossoming relationship, (What if he loses trust in me? What if he reacts badly?) he was oblivious because in his eyes, there was nothing wrong. He was dating you, and you identifying as male or female or otherwise didn’t matter. You managed to worm your way into his heavily fortified heart somehow. Labels didn’t mean fuck all to him if he was already in love with you

Eventually when you do come out to him through ugly tears and hyperventilation, he just kind of blinks at you

“Huh? Why are you crying over that?”

It takes you by surprise

While you’re trying to calm yourself he opens his arms and offers you a hug, which you take happily

While he’s holding you to his chest, he pulls the cigar out of his mouth and sighs

“All that matters is that you’re mine.”

You felt your body begin to relax, surrounded by the warmth of the man holding you tight enough to crack your spine. You’d soaked the front of his shirt with tears and a bit of snot, and yet he didn’t seem to mind. Crocodile holds his cigar away from you so you won’t go into a coughing fit before you can catch your breath, while also being careful of the hook on his other hand- the last thing he needed right now was to snag you on it and hurt you while already in a vulnerable state.

His quiet comfort was enough to pull you out of the panicked state, but he didn’t let up until he felt you take a step back. There was a pause while you wiped up your face as best as you could with your sleeve, and Crocodile stayed patiently waiting until you were ready to look up at him again.

“Better?”

You nod, and apologize for the outburst, but he clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes.

“If I’d known you were so scared to tell me this, I would have let you know a long time ago that I already knew.. Now let's go clean you up.”

Now that the animosity is out of the way though, it feels like your relationship has changed for the better. You feel much more comfortable with him

More importantly, you feel more comfortable sharing certain things with him- and he feels much more comfortable asking questions, too!

One day he asks you what Dysphoria feels like, and man did that take you a few hours to put into words and even then your explanation didn’t feel exactly right

He lets you know very quickly that if there’s anything he can do (he means anything he can pay for, really) that all you need to do is ask and consider it done

He understands when there are days where you don’t want to be touched in certain spots

He makes sure to make it known to anyone else who may know you’re trans that you will not be disrespected whether in his presence or not. If anyone dared to misgender you, he would deal with them accordingly

He also does things that will help you feel ‘manly’, like asking you to open a jar for him even if he could very well open it himself

Long story short, he loves and respects you no matter what

[forggywrites]

Hiii. This is my first time requesting anything so sorry if it’s kinda confusing cause I’m not good at punctuation but here I go. Could you do a Hobie Brown or Earth 42 Miles Morales (not sure if you write for him but I’ve never seen anything with a trans reader with him so I thought I’d ask) x female to masc non-binary reader who’s on their period and like has dysphoria with it and stuff and like weird names for that kinda thing (it might sound dumb but I call it ‘manly bleeding’ because it makes me feel better) if you don’t want to or can’t or wtv just ignore this request

Thank you -ezra

as I stated in my last post I don’t feel comfortable writing for earth 42 miles as I don’t feel like I know enough about him, but I will HAPPILY do this for Hobie :)

Hobie x AFAB trans masc reader on their period.

CW: talk of periods, gender dysphoria, masc compliments

——————————————

The two of you have known each other for a while now.

But this is the first time you’ve been super open about your cycles and how they make you feel with him.

He first noticed that you had been acting more irrational than normal.

Then he noticed the mood swings.

Then he realized you were probably on that time of the month.

Man has no problem with it.

He sits you down and straight up asks if you’re on you period and if you need help with anything.

You started to cry, like HEAVILY.

He immediately pulled you into a hug and started to comfort you

After calming down you explained everything to him, how you hate everything about periods, how everyone treats you horribly because you have them, how you don’t feel valid in your emotions around that time of the month, etc.

While he doesn’t know what it feels like personally, he will do his best to try and understand.

Gets one of those period cramp simulators to try and know exactly how you feel

You appreciate the gesture.

No but really, he will do anything he can to help.

Midol? He’s got it.

Massage? Where do you need it.

Snacks? He’s already swinging to the store to grab what you need.

Heating pad? He’s plugged it in already.

Cuddles? He will immediately pull you in and hold you however you want

Need to relax? He’s got a bath, shower, cozy spot, or whatever ready in a heartbeat. (also he’s not afraid of a little blood, of you know what I mean *Wink wink*)

He’ll use whatever name you want for products and the whole experience, no matter how ridiculous others might think it is.

He wants you to be as comfortable as humanly possible.

He knows that gender dysphoria is a bitch, and he will constantly be calling you cute nicknames and giving you compliments to help you feel better.

”you’re looking extra manly today.” “I got you some blood boxers from that brand you like.” “Flex for me, luv. I love your muscles”

It doesn’t matter what’s going on with you, he will always treat you the way you want to be treated.

If you don’t want him to do anything for you during these times, he will respect your wishes.

It all comes down to how you feel, that is what is most important to him.

——————————————

that’s all I could really come up with for this, thank you for requesting! I loved writing this one :)

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[barclaysangel]

The Birth of Jun (transfem Juniper Wheeler AU)

I literally wrote this within about 5 hours, which is crazy. I lost sleep just to finish this to make sure it’ll be posted by morning. I’m still nervous to post it since this is my first time writing for this AU and I just hope y’all like it. If you guys do, then MAYBE I’ll write a second part where Jun gets the name Juniper. Maybe.

Anyway, this is setting in the Final Family/Chucky season 2 rewrite AU where Jun survives and lives with Andy in the middle of the woods, torturing and killing Chuckys together. Because canon does not exist to me, obviously. I’ve written drabbles/oneshots about this AU before and this is just another one but with transfem Juniper.

If you guys really do like this, pls leave comments, it insanely fuels my motivation! I thrive off it and I’ll also appreciate some feedback since this is my first time writing a trans character.

Thank you and enjoy :)

Tags: @the-carlos-cow-eyes @erasedmystic111 @streets-in-paradise

Word count: 2.5K

Warnings: Internalized transphobia, mentions of suicidal ideation, cursing

There was something wrong with Junior. 

That much she had always known, ever since she could remember. She wanted to be a princess, not a prince. A mermaid, not a merman. She wanted to be something that she could never be. 

But Junior hid it for so long, and she hid it well. She buried that part of herself so deep down that no one would ever suspect it growing up. She became the perfect “masculine, traditional son” that her father wanted. She destroyed every single part of herself and burnt it all to the ground just to please him. 

And even though she killed her own father, she still would have done it all over again. 

Gods, she was pathetic. Pathetic and stupid and dirty and broken. 

Despite Junior’s efforts to hide her dirty little secret from the world, she still had moments where it would bubble and come up again. The dysphoria with her short hair, flat chest, and other features that just didn’t feel right. It would be bad enough at times where she wanted to curl into a ball and cry all the fucking time. 

But she would have no choice but to pull herself together and keep up the act, just like she always did. 

However, this moment wasn’t like the other moments with her father. It wasn’t him she had to worry about, but Andy. 

Andy wasn’t like her father at all. He was patient, understanding, and kind. Her father would be ashamed if Junior ever cried in front of him and tell him to “Stop being a pussy and pull yourself together, you’re a man!”, but Andy would hold her in his arms and comfort her. He had been there through every mental breakdown, depressive episodes, nightmares, moments of self-destructive tendencies, all of it. 

Andy stayed right by her side and never budged despite how much Junior tried to push him away. She pushed and pushed and pushed but he never stayed away through it all. 

Junior wasn’t used to that. When she pushed people away and burned bridges to the ground, it stayed that way. Just look at her relationship with Jake. But Andy refused to be pushed away and has made it very clear to her that he wasn’t planning to go anywhere. 

Yet that still didn’t reassure her for some reason. It still filled her with so much fear if Andy ever looked too hard and realized just how broken and defective she really was. 

So once again, Junior hid it. She hid her secret under lock and key and made sure to keep her masculine act on display. 

But then the dysphoric moment hit hard, harder than before, and she wanted to die. 

Junior didn’t want to leave her cot. Her appetite was long gone. She just tried to bury herself deep into her blankets and hoped that one of the Chuckys she and Andy had been torturing could escape and stab her to death, finally finishing his job that he failed to do months ago. 

Andy had been no stranger to her being depressed. They had been staying at that small cabin for almost 5 months, it was now the beginning of April. Sometimes he would give Junior some space if she truly needed it but most of the time, he would be there to offer her food and water and just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. He hardly left her alone when she got like this. 

She didn’t blame him. Andy was probably worried that she would take one of his guns and end it all. 

Not like that idea wasn’t tempting. 

But right now, Junior wanted to be alone. She wanted to forget that the weather was getting warmer, which would make her have to ditch the hoodies and reveal the parts of herself that she hated. She just couldn’t bear to go through this, she would much rather hide away for hours or even days. Just as long as she would feel just slightly normal again. 

However, she never really was that lucky. 

“Junior?” She heard after the three light knocks, shuddering deeply and tearing up from the sound of her own name, like something about it was just wrong. “Can I come in?”

Curse Andy for respecting her privacy and boundaries. Logan would just barge in without a warning. Despite everything she was feeling, she still managed a small “Uh huh…” to placate him since she knew he would just be more worried if she refused. 

Andy opened the door slowly and she could smell why. Even without moving from her position under the blankets, she could smell the food that Andy was bringing in. When he stood beside her cot, Junior lowered the blankets enough to see the plate of scrambled eggs and toast in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Normally that would make her mouth water but this time, it made her stomach churn. 

“I know you may not feel like eating right now, but I can’t let you go the whole day without something in your system. Can you try to eat something please?” Andy spoke gently to her, placing the plate and the mug on the floor beside the cot. 

Junior merely shook her head slightly. “I’ll eat later. ‘M not hungry.” She mumbled before putting the pillow from under her head now on top of her face. 

Andy sighed quietly but instead of leaving, he sat down on the edge of the cot. “Kid, I can’t let you starve. I’m not asking you to finish off the plate, but just have a few bites with your coffee. Please?” 

She didn’t say anything this time, her silence was enough of an answer. 

“Junior, c’mon,” She shivered and squeezed her eyes shut when Andy said her name again, “I know you’re not in the mood but you’re gonna just make yourself feel worse. Remember what happened a few weeks ago?” 

She wished she couldn’t. Going nearly the entire day without eating only to almost binge afterwards, resulting in her throwing her guts up. But Andy was with her the whole time, rubbing her back and keeping an arm around her so she would stay supported rather than to fall face first into her own vomit from exhaustion along with cleaning her up afterwards once she was finished hurling and crying. 

No matter what, Andy stayed with her through everything. 

Imagine if he found out you thought you were a girl, Junior thought bitterly to herself, He’d despise you and leave you then without a doubt. 

She stiffened briefly when she felt a hand on her ankle from over the blankets before recognizing Andy’s touch, relaxing just slightly. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Junior quickly shook her head from under the pillow. She couldn’t, she absolutely couldn’t. For the first time, she didn’t want to ruin something good. She already felt like she was one wrong move from spilling it all. 

She just needed to keep her mouth shut and hold it all in. She could do it, she’s been doing it her entire life. She can keep going. 

Andy gave her a gentle and reassuring squeeze to her ankle. “Okay. I just want you to know that I’m here if you do want to talk. I don’t need to talk, I can just listen to as much as you need me to. Alright, Junior?” 

Junior winced and wasn’t able to swallow down the whimper this time, which immediately got Andy’s attention. 

“Hey, kiddo, what’s wrong?” She couldn’t see his face but she knew that he would be wearing that concerned frown, the one where he genuinely acted worried for her. 

Junior shook her head again, keeping her eyes closed because she knew she would break down and cry. Andy needed to leave now before she would completely lose her mind. 

The hand on her ankle moved to her back, rubbing small circles there to comfort her. “Junior?” 

“Stop…” 

Andy paused from his motions. “What?” 

“Stop…calling me that!” Junior didn’t know why but it was like something shattered inside of her, like the dam in her finally broke. 

She ripped the pillow off of her head and bolted upright, the suddenness making Andy back up slightly. “I have tried so fucking hard to be Junior! To be the perfect son Junior. The cross-country star Junior. The strong and masculine Junior. I have ripped myself to shreds and molded myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be! But for what? It’s not fucking worth it because I’m not! I’m not Junior! I’m not a boy! I’ve tried so fucking hard but I’m not, I just keep trying and trying but nothing fucking works anymore! I’m so sorry but that isn’t me, this fucking isn’t me! I’m too broken and fucked up to be Junior and to be a fucking boy!” 

Junior didn’t realize she was screaming until she finally stopped, her voice hoarse. And no one said a word. Andy stared at her with wide eyes and an unreadable expression as reality slowly settled in. 

Oh fuck…what did I just do?

She started shaking, her breathing picked up and she hid her face in her hands, sobbing. “I-I’m sorry, I d-didn’t mean it, I was l-lying, I-I-I…” for some reason, now she couldn’t even get the words out after everything from how hard she was hyperventilating. 

Congratulations, you fucking idiot. You really did it now. You ruined it. Now Andy will think you’re disgusting. He’ll hate you. He’ll throw you out and finally leave you alone, just like you deserve, you pathetic piece of sh–

Andy’s hands went around Junior’s body, pulling her closer to him carefully until her cheek was pressed to the crook of his neck, one hand now rubbing her back up and down soothingly. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, breathe. Take some deep breaths, kiddo. Just follow my breathing, okay? Breathe…” 

She was shaking through her sobs, her hands clinging onto Andy’s shirt tightly in her fists. His other hand went up to cradle the back of her head so softly as if she was something gentle and precious to him. Junior could hardly breathe but Andy kept guiding her, speaking to her kindly until she was able to finally pull in deep breaths with his help. 

They barely spoke, with Junior crying and Andy whispering reassurances to her. When she started to calm down, she didn’t move, she felt too mortified. It felt like one wrong move, and Andy would finally turn her away. 

“Kiddo?” He finally spoke, “Do you remember what I’ve always told you? About what I want for you?” 

Junior sniffled, still crying but not nearly as badly while holding onto Andy’s shirt still for dear life. “For…for me t-to be a kid…” 

“Yeah, that too. But what else?” 

She thought about it longer this time, hesitating. “…that you-you want me to be h-happy…” 

Andy moved away just slightly, making her whimper again but instead he adjusted himself to fully face Junior and hold her face in his hands. “Exactly. I care about you, kid. I’ve had since the moment you basically passed out on my doorstep. All I want is for you to be happy. And if being a boy doesn’t make you happy…then stop trying. Stop putting yourself through that pain, okay? Just…just be yourself.” 

He was looking at her so seriously yet so gently, as if all that mattered in that moment was her. Unshed tears began building up again in her eyes and Andy continued speaking. “I mean it. I will never judge you for who you are. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere just because you aren’t a boy. I swear on the River Styx.” 

That oath meant more to Junior than any other sort of promise. It was an oath from Percy Jackson, and really any kind of Greek mythology. They both knew how serious that oath was. And for that reason, it was what gave her the push that she needed to finally come out. 

“Andy…I…I’m a girl…” her voice was tiny but it was still enough for Andy to hear, starting to cry again but he pulled her back into a hug. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you…” He reassured her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, “I’m so fucking proud of you, kiddo. I promise I am. I know this wasn’t easy for you, I can’t even begin to imagine how long you’ve felt like this but never said anything. So thank you for telling me. I’m proud of you.” 

Junior cried a little harder at that, still not entirely used to having someone tell her that they were proud of her. But this time, the tears were more of relief and she just completely leaned against him. 

Never in her life did she ever think she’d actually come out and tell someone this secret. She just thought she had to fight the feeling down further and further until it disappeared or it just ended up killing her. 

But no. She lost it and everything spilled out. But…it didn’t end up badly like she thought it would. 

Andy accepted her. He accepted her without another thought. Strong and tough and badass Andy accepted her and told her that he was proud of her for coming out. 

This felt almost like a dream, something too good to be true for Junior. 

“So…I suppose you don’t want to be called by that name anymore, right?” Andy asked and she nodded in response, gripping onto his shirt again. “Okay. Is there…another name I can call you? It doesn’t need to be your permanent name, it could be like a…placeholder. Just something temporary until you can figure out a name that makes you feel like you.” 

She didn’t say anything for a moment, thinking long and hard before settling on something simple. “Maybe just…Jun. For now. Jun. Without an E at the end.” 

Andy nodded and lightly leaned his cheek to her head. “Jun without an E at the end, got it.” 

Jun could practically hear the smile on Andy’s face and lazily hit his side with the back of her hand. “You’re a dork…” 

“Yeah, yeah I am. But so are you, so…” Andy poked Jun’s side, making her giggle before she yawned, her dysphoric episode and breakdown now tuckering her out. 

“You tired, kiddo?” He asked and she yawned again while nodding, not moving from her position. 

“Can I just…stay here? For a bit? Please?” Jun asked quietly and almost immediately, his hand went up to her hair and stroked her hair softly, causing her to close her eyes. 

“Sure you can. And I’ll stay right here with you too. But as soon as you wake up and get hydrated, you need to eat, okay?” Andy told her, accepting his fate to have Jun fall asleep on his shoulder. 

She nodded, yawning once more as a sense of pure peace and bliss filled her. She knew she was safe now. Nothing would happen to her. 

“Thank you Andy…” Jun murmured under her breath. 

Just before she could drift off, she felt Andy kiss her forehead, one hand playing with her hair and the other being secured around her body. “Anytime. Goodnight, Jun.” 

[dreamtydraw]

alright, i'll bite nsjxjsjdndndn

tell me more about valentin! what does she like to do? and the step 2 identity crisis! :]

WELL THANKS YOU FRIEND FOR ASKING !

Yeah, this post took me a while- but to be honest, it’s because I needed time to start writing it.

If you’re new or don’t know my account, hi, I’m gonna talk about my OC Valentin and the complexity I decided to give them. I have previously at multiple time gave informations about her as a character, mainly in her character design analysis but you are free to simply read this post or not because it will only focus on her step 2 crisis.

Valentin Second and the childhood of someone who wanted to feel pretty.

Valentin likes her hometown, they like being the center of attention, he likes ice skating, she likes her mom, and his sister, her French accent, her mole, her fancy scarf, his new friends, chocolate cake, bunnies but what they truly like

Being complimented.

Valentin is Hyperactive, they get an ADHD diagnostic early in her childhood and balance her energy in her adventures with their friends.

At the opposite of his sister Valentin became popular quite fast. They seem to talk with everyone he meets and she’s an intriguing little one.

Valentin learned early about gender norms and how she was allowed to simply change them, lie to people with their 10 years old wisdom and the the fact that constantly changing could be fun. She doesn’t care how her approach to her identity seems to others because it’s something they still view through childish eyes. It get tensed up when it catch him up in puberty.

Valentin is Amab and life won’t always treat you the same, she’s learning it the hard way. Young valentin spend a lot of time online and is confronted to not only transphobia but what will serverly impact their life : The social media cult of appearance.

It’s like a rabbit hole. You see pretty characters from your favorite show, they all look nice, and you see pictures of real people looking like them, and they look nice. The pictures of pretty people multiply and you envy their look and how everyone likes them.

Wanting to be pretty enough, Valentin settle on being a girl in her tween year, believing she should stop her childish game and focus on « passing »

She wants to be pretty but not just pretty, perfectly flawless, the kind of girl who people gush over on social media. It’s only the rise of Instagram and tumblr but she’s here, daily obssessing on her appearance to the point she’s not living her own life and it makes her miserable.

There is a complex mix of her needs of validation, insecurity, dysphoria, anxiety, and fear of judgment that constantly play in her head like an old record. The sad part ? It’s not that noticeable.

Everyone is going through their problem and when yours is trying to be too perfect, a lot of people will see it as something good, a nice goal perhaps.

Worse in that, Valentin loves ice skating. This sport is her passion but there is something horrific about seeing how ugly you look in the middle of the wild range of pretty teens in their sparkly costumes. Her own passion complexe her, she dosen’t feel good enough in anything nothing is working like she wants it to and it eat her alive.

Sometimes it all slip up. In the car with her mom, at a sleepover with her best friend, or in the middle of an argument with her sister.

She just doesn’t feel well

And don’t know how to feel better about herself.

Jealousy is ugly,

She would rather cry in her room every night than admit that she hates how pretty everyone looks but her.

She hates how everyone is doing well when she’s not, she despises everyone for no reason and she hates herself for being such a bad friend.

She just hates herself.

She doesn’t like herself.

It’s hard when you’re 14 and you can’t like anything.

Sometimes people who you like and who likes you back will reach a hand, but you are too selfish to take it. You’ll thank them, and say everything is alright now when in reality you are still upset. Brush it off, they’ll stop asking one day.

Perhaps one day you’ll be honest.

However, for now, you would rather be pretty.

[kimetsu-chan]

idk if this could be an emergency request or not, you can determine that yourself:)

can i request Zeno x female reader who’s insecure? like, she’s insecure about her smile, her body, acne, and a big insecurity is her personality?

you don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable with it:)

~The Way You Are~

A/N: of course I can love. And in want to let you know, that you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous. You should srsly become a model. I hope this can provide you some comfort and I hope you will soon be able to realize how amazing and beautiful you are :) ily ♥️

Zeno and reader are in an established relationship

TWs: Reader is insecure and has some dysphoria

Zeno was working away at his computer in his room. Well, technically it was [Name]’s room, but he was at her house so often it was practically his room too.

He was finishing up some assignments for school when he felt a pair of arms wrap around loosely around his neck. He smiled to himself as he very much enjoyed his girlfriend’s clingy nature. He reached a hand back to ruffle the girl’s hair as a show of his affection. He would have thought she was just being her usual clingy self, but he heard a soft sniffle. And that worried him to no end.

A frown immediately took over his face as his attention was ripped from his assignment to focus on [Name].

“Babe? You okay?”

No answer.

Zeno was going to ask again when he felt her shaking ever so slightly and he heard the sound of soft crying.

Zeno panicked internally as he turned in his chair to face her. He studied her face and his frown deepened as he took in the sight before him.

[Name] had tears brimming her eyes and her bottom lip was quivering. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep the tears from falling, she had already let a few slip.

[Name] was very hesitant to confide in her boyfriend for she didn’t want to bother him. But she knew that Zeno wouldn’t let her go without telling him what was wrong.

Zeno lifted the girl and pulled her into his lap. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead before moving his hands to cup her cheeks.

“Are you sad?”

There was a small, shy nod from the girl.

“Yeah? Okay… do you wanna talk about it?”

There was a bit of hesitation, but after a few seconds, [Name] nodded slowly. She took a few shaky breaths before starting to speak.

“I-I just feel… really really insecure r-right now…”

Zeno nodded with a hum to show he was listening intently. He stayed quiet so she could finish explaining her feelings before he gave her his input.

“I-I hate the way it feels, but I can’t help it… I want it to st-stop but I don’t know how to make it stop.”

A few stray tears began to slip down her face and Zeno was quick to wipe them away. Seeing that she was seemingly done with her explaining, he asked her a question in the quietest and gentlest voice he could muster.

“Can you tell me what exactly you’re feeling insecure about?”

This elicited another small nod from [Name] and she took a deep breath.

“I feel… like I’m a bit too clingy… like, I feel like I’m too much. And I don’t want to be a bother… A-And I hate the way I look, I feel ugly because of my acne and I h-hate my smile.”

Zeno shook his head before placing a kiss to her forehead.

“No, you’re not too clingy. I really like your clingy-ness. It reminds me that you love me. Please don’t ever stop.”

[Name]’s eyes lit up every so slightly. Zeno knew exactly what to say as she has expressed insecurity about her personality to him before.

“R-Really?! You… you mean it? It’s not annoying?”

Zeno gave her a bittersweet smile as his thumbs ran gently across her cheeks, effectively wiping away her tears.

“Hun, I wouldn’t lie to you. Especially not about this.”

Before she could say anything else, he continued.

“And it’s okay to need some validation every now and then. I’m glad you feel like you can tell me when you feel these things. I will always be more than willing to ramble about how much I love you and how pretty you are.”

Zeno could tell that [Name] was having a hard time right now, and he wanted to help her feel better. He pressed a kiss to her nose, then to her forehead.

“I still love you.”

With hands still cupping her cheeks, her pressed a another soft kiss to a cluster of acne on one cheek, then the other.

“Even with all these “flaws” you think you have.”

He ended his monologue with a kiss to her lips.

When he pulled away he smiled at her. He hoped he was able to get through to her, which he was.

“I love you…”

Zeno’s smile became bright as he peppered her face in tiny kisses.

“I love you too, [Name].”

A/N: “You don’t know that you’re beautiful” started playing as I wrote this. Larz, it’s a sign, m’kay? Larz you are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Both inside and out.

This is not proofread, so please let me know if there are any mistakes 😓

[selfshipping-central]

Matchup for 🕷 anon!!

Fandom: Obey Me

Satan!! (Romantic)

I’ve decided to pair you with Satan!! Everyone’s favourite cat lover <3

I do wanna talk a little about his reaction to coming out first, if you two are already in a romantic relationship by this point oh my god he is so supportive and so patient.

Want’s to learn everything so he’ll ask you so many questions!!

“So… did you figure it out? How did you figure it out??”

He might forget that a few of them are seen as offensive so you might need to remind him ≡(▔﹏▔)≡

“Oh sorry- I didn’t mean to offend you darling.”

Bless him he just wants to learn more about you <3

Oh my god he’ll take you binder shopping with Asmo. While Asmo is buying all the cute pretty ones you and Satan are looking at Miku binder and giggling.

“We should get this one.”

The only other person I see being almost as hype as Satan when you come out is Asmo.

You and Satan defiantly have some sort of ‘piggybank’ for your surgeries.

Stays by your side the minute you’re out, fretting over you.

This piggybank is heavily protected. Mammon has been banned form dipping his grubby lil fingers into the account lest Lucifer hang him from the ceiling again.

“Wait I didn’t mean to Satan I didn’t know!! Please don’t get Lucifer.”  

He doesn’t mind how silly you are online, he’s not a big social media user but he’ll post pictures of you both on Devilgram.

“Asmo said to post pictures of us on our dates. So smile for the camera darling.”

Loves how shy you are.

It reminds him of a cat.

Unironically calls you ‘kitten’.

“Kitten come here.” *The horrid sound of Mammon’s laughter as he falls to the floor gasping for air.*

You two can be overachievers together. The only thing scarier than Lucifer is you and Satan during exam prep.

“Now listen here darling. I’m not letting you beat me on this exam just you wait.”

Can I hear it for academic rivals to lovers?!

You two are always comparing marks and either congratulating each other, or cursing the heavens.

Somewhere, far away. Simeon sneezes.

You need that academic praise? He’s got you.

“Wait you got full marks on that one? I was sure you would lose a few… wow darling. You must be better at Devildom history than me… that’s impressive for a human. Good job.”

Is so confused if you start crying because of the praise.

“Did I do something wrong?? All I did was attempt to praise you-”

Adores quality time. You might be sitting next to him while you crochet while he studies or watches cat videos or something and he’s having the time of his life.

Doesn’t get overly jealous of other demons, but he will get really pissed off if he catches anyone near you that are clearly pushing your boundaries.

Teach him how to play some basketball.

Once he get’s the hand of it he might slam you at it.

All friendly obviously.

Set bets for each other, the kind if you lose you gotta do yadda yadda for Satan and vice versa.

Gives you both that extra push to go all out.

Think’s your makeup is pretty cool and would let you try putting some on him. But only after Asmo is done having his half hour makeup session with you.

He honestly doesn’t really care about the way you look, dress, etc. If you are getting dysphoria or are feeling particularly insecure, he will do his best to make you feel as comfortable as possible.

Simply stands off in the corner while Asmo helps you with fashion.

Oh could you please show him how to wear a jacker properly its really fucking annoying <33

Takes you to cat cafes.

Late night karaoke?

Late night karaoke.

[rainydaydally]

You’re like the light of my life

WARNINGS:

Dysphoria

Sexuality crisis

Insecurity

Crying/Kinda a mental breakdown

Jealousy

F-slur

Cartman is homophobic but in a joke way (hes gay)

Unsafe binding (I don’t think you are supposed to swim in a binder, but I’m not sure!)

The Broflovski family is staying in a hotel after camping, and Shiela and Gerald are napping in one bed, and Ike is napping in the other. Kyle, however, is laying next to Ike, wide awake. He takes his mind off of everything, starting to use pinterest on his phone. He gets bored pretty quickly, so he places it next to his head. As he stares at the white ceiling of the hotel, he starts to think. Think about way too much confusing things he cant help but focus on. He thinks about his sexuality, his friends, his looks- *especially* his looks. He sighs, fighting back tears as he grabs his headphones and phone and walks to the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror, listening to Mac DeMarco, as he feels tears fall from his eyes. He cries and cries, and he moves to sit on the closed toilet lid, knees up to his chest, tears spilling uncontrollably. He takes his phone out to text his friend, Stan.

“Hey. Can you call?”

No reply. “He’s probably busy.” He thinks to himself, setting his phone down. He decides to call Cartman, which even though he hates him, he can still cheer him up with his blunt and annoying comments and jokes. Kyle tries opening up to him about his sexuality, which he has also been really confused about. Cartman just says “F*g.” which causes him and Kyle to burst into a silent laughter, making it funnier that he cant laugh, or he will wake his family. After Kyle angrily hangs up on Cartman after some dumb shit he was saying, he goes and sits against the wall, and continues crying. He wipes his nose and his eyes but the tears never seem to stop coming. He’s just so, so confused. One day he will think he’s AroAce, and the next day he will get butterflies when he sees a cute boy at a store. He feels like everyone around him is getting into stable relationships now, like Stan and Wendy. Oh how he wishes he had a relationship like them, they seem so perfect. Suddenly, his phone lights up. 

“Yeah.” 

It’s Stan. 

“Nevermind.” 

Kyle quickly replies back, he doesn’t want Stan to see him so hysterical.

“Oh, okay.”

“Can I tell you something??”

Kyle texts, instantly regretting his decision.

“Of course.” 

Stan replies. Kyle can almost hear the text in Stan’s voice, as if he was right next to him. Before Kyle knows it, he’s confessing deep, dark secrets to Stan over text. His fingers tapping the letters quickly.

“Okay, so this is stupid. But, I feel like everyone loves someone, or someone loves them. I know we are still young but im just so ugly and unwantable and I feel like I might be Aromantic Asexual, but I’m just so confused because I want a relationship. I really have never had someone have a crush on me because I’m so ugly and I’ve always been the ugly one too, and I feel like I’m nothing. Most of the guys are so handsome, and I really dont fit in compared to the rest of them. When we were on vacation at the beach I just felt so sick and insecure because you guys (not trying to be weird) looked really good in your bathing suits, but I just felt uncomfy and I just didnt fit in with you guys.”

“I can’t believe I just texted Stan that.” He thinks, and Stan seems to be taking hours to respond, even though it’s only been 5 seconds at the maximum.

“You are not ugly, I really don’t think you are ugly.”

Why did Kyle feel a feeling in his stomach when Stan had texted him that? Stan not only said he wasnt ugly, but he said HE really doesn’t think he is. 

“You definitely fit in. We don’t care what you look like. You think you are ugly, but no one is our friend group thinks you are ugly.”

Kyle smiles, “Except Cartman.” He thinks to himself. An other text appears.

“I’m sorry but what does aromantic asexual mean?”

Kyle knew this would happen. Most people don’t know what it means He tries to explain it, hoping Stan will understand what he’s trying to say.

“Thanks so much, Dude. Also, it means like you’re not attracted to anyone and dont wanna have sex with anyone basically. But I’m just not sure yet because I’ve never had a crush where the other person really liked me. I mean, I’ve dated people but it was mostly over text and facetime. We never hugged or kissed or anything. I’m probably just asexual, but sometimes I have a crush on someone and later it goes away.”

Kyle continues.

“And I’ve only kissed two people before, and I know thats two more than most people our age. I just feel really terrible for not feeling anything towards them. I mean, they were both girls, so I could be gay.”

Kyle desperately wants to tell Stan about his dysphoria, how his mother keeps telling him he looks just like her, and that he hates how feminine his body is getting. He does not say a word.

“You do have that rizz. I’ve never really talked to anybody in a romantic way before besides Wendy… and that hot sub we had in 3rd grade.”

“Dude! Gross! Also thanks. I just don’t know if I want it, I guess. I mean, your first kiss is supposed to be magical, but I felt nothing. I didn’t think I’d be kissing a girl in a pool bathroom who never even thought of me romantically.”

It was Bebe. Now she acts like nothing happened, but it did, and she knows it did. She is so perfect and pretty and smart, so why didn’t he like her?

“I wasted it. It sucked.”

“Wow. You never told me that before.” 

Stan replies. Kyle feels bad for not sharing it with him before, but it just never seemed appropriate. 

“Yeah. I’m still friends with her, and I don’t want to seem mean, but I really wasted my first kiss.”

“You know how in the movies their first kiss is like amazing magical stuff? Well, we are weird, crazy teenagers that go through stuff and things do not always go according to plan, and that’s ok. I know you will find a perfect kiss one day.”

Kyle really wants to just text Stan right then and there and tell him everything, that Stan sometimes gives him butterflies, and when the backs of their hands graze he feels his face heat up. He can’t tell him that, though, obviously. He doesn’t want to ruin Stan and Wendy’s relationship over a *maybe* crush.

“Dude, I don’t deserve you, I love you so much. You are way too kind and caring.”

“I love you too, bro.” 

Stan replies. Kyle feels a smile grow on his face.

“Also, I don’t mean to be nosy, but who was your first kiss?”

Kyle was really hoping Stan wouldn’t ask that. 

“She would get mad if I told you.”

Is all Kyle replies with.

“That’s okay.”

Kyle continues with his rant.

“I’m going through so much right now though. I hate being trans so much, I’m so jealous of everyone who isn’t tbh.”

“I’m sorry, I’m glad you are telling me so I can try my best to help you through it.”

Kyle sighs. How can Stan be so kind to him? Like he said before, he really doesn’t deserve to be best friends with such a sweet boy.

“I love you so much, you’re like the light of my life.”

Kyle jokes, smiling while thinking about hanging out with Stan. 

Suddenly, theres a loud knock at the door. “Kyle? Kyle, are you in there?” “Oh shit, it’s mom!” He thinks. “Yeah!” He replies, trying not to have his voice break from the crying that was happening before. “Kyle, we’re going to the pool soon. Ike and Dad already left. Do you want to come? I know you’re uncomfortable at the pool-” “I’ll go. Give me a second, though.” Kyle grumbles, sitting up and wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He would be looking foward to the pool- he really loves to swim- but lately he’s been so uncomfortable going, like his mom said. He hates going because he doesn’t know what to wear, and if he wears his binder with his trunks people give him such weird looks. He changes into the clothes nonetheless and steps outside the bathroom, arms crossing over his chest.

Shiela must have noticed he was insecure, because she went up to him and hugged him. “You are such a wonderful son, Kyle.” Kyle feels his stomach turn as he tries his best to hold back his tears, but they spill out again. Instead this time, he isn’t silent. His sobs are loud as he holds onto his mother. She lets go of the hug and walks him to sit on the edge of the bed together. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?” She asks. He shakes his head, wiping his tears. “Can we just stay like this for a while?” He asks. ���Of course.”

AO3 Link: You’re like the light of my life

Wattpad Link: You’re like the light of my life

[cadybear420]

Cadybear's Reviews- Baby Bump

Welcome to the twenty-first official Cadybear's Reviews! Today I'll be talking about Baby Bump, which I have ranked on the "Gold Tier" at 8 stars out of a possible 10.

WHY DO PEOPLE HATE THIS SERIES!? WHY!? It’s FINE! 

Okay, I can maybe see why people may not like it because, let’s be real, accidental pregnancy is a very overdone trope. And apparently there were a lot of parts that were originally problematic when the story was released and had to be re-written, but I wasn’t around for that and I know next to nothing about the original lines, so I can’t say much about them. But even now, how does it get ranked as being among the worst so often? Even if you think it’s bad, it’s really not that bad. 

Like… I found it decent? I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as a lot of people have said it is. And I’m saying this as a GNC cis woman who experiences major genital dysphoria and absolutely REVILES the idea of becoming pregnant. Like, I would rather die than ever experience being pregnant. And yet I still quite enjoyed this story. 

I guess it kind of helps that the book is very clearly a pregnancy book from the beginning, so I kind of went in knowing what to expect and thus not self-inserting as the MC at all. Unlike something like TRH, which is a continuation that suddenly introduces a “MC gets pregnant” plot to a non-pregnancy series… but that’s a subject for a different day. 

I’ll be honest though, this story has a pretty awful start. In the flashback in B1 Ch1 where MC meets Mr. Covington, they try waaaayyyyy too hard to make the player swoon at the idea of having his babies. Like, did the guy they wanted to be MC’s baby daddy HAVE to be a celebrity company salesman, who is also the keynote speaker at MC’s graduation? 

And don’t even get me started on the Clint fangirls, who feel like they were written by someone who’s only ever been surrounded by the “Facebook Mom” stereotype and has never met (and probably never will meet) a real horny woman in their entire life. 

Literally, the scene is just all like “OMG LOOK!!! BIG FAMOUS CELEBRITY SALESMAN!!! OMG HE HAS *GASP* ABS!!! OH WOW, A MALE LI IN CHOICES WITH ABS AND BIG MUSCLES! THAT’S SO UNIQUE AND SPECIAL AND TOTALLY NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!! OMG ALL THE OTHER WOMEN ARE CHANTING OVER HIS ABS AND WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES TOO!!! DON’T *YOU* WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES TOO!?!?!?! AREN’T YOU SOOOOOO LUCKY THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE HAVING HIS BABIES?!?!?!?!?!?!?”. Like, how much intelligence do you think your wlm audience has PB? Really trying to pander to the “Facebook Karen Mom” stereotype here, huh? 

With that in mind, I guess I can understand why people may have gotten a bad impression of the book at first, because the story for how MC got pregnant in the first place (and her conflict with Cassandra in Book 1) feels straight out of one of those weird Instagram and Facebook ads. 

But besides that, it was an okay series! I found it mostly cute and wholesome. Literally everything else was fine! There were even a few moments in Book 2 that made me cry, like when MC can record a sweet message for the babies with a plush bunny she can get from the Baby Baskets. 

Besides maybe Book 1 Dr. Mariana Castillo who is just way too unserious (at least she gets better in Book 2), I honestly really liked the main cast. Even though MC is technically an outsider to the town, she still gets to be very driven and gets shit done rather than being the typical doe-eyed newbie who needs to be shown the ropes. Clint is a sweetheart and does get to be more than just “har dee har muscular celebrity salesman who knocks you up aren’t you soooo lucky” that they wanted him to be in the first chapter. Mayor Dixon is a nice mix of goofy and tsundere, and the female version Myra contributed to my bi awakening. Luisa is just a queen all around. MC’s sister… initially she could sometimes be a bit of a stereotypical “OMG girly girl talk best friend to talk exclusively about LI and diamond outfits” but she does become more than that too, and I really like her subplot with Bao. Speaking of, Bao is just the most absolute precious ever (and shame on PB for making him the sister’s LI and not one for MC /jk). 

The antagonist characters were… kind of a mixed bag, I will admit. They were memorable, but also kind of stupid. Like I said before, Cassandra’s storyline in Book 1 just felt petty and cheap, plus I’m tired of straw loser villain female antagonists who exist solely to compete with the MC over the LI. It never got too overbearing, but it was still stupid. Book 2 Cassandra is great though. 

Then there’s Craig, who wants to destroy everything MC and friends accomplish and take over Gracetown because… potatoes. I guess he’s alright as he is actually a threat in Book 2, but the townspeople can be pretty damn meek to him which is a little weird. But he was still a strong antagonist in that book. Book 1 Craig feels a lot more like he just exists to be an annoyance for the sake of being an annoyance, though. 

Jebediah is a lot more compelling as an antagonist character, and I did expect the Covington family conflict to be incredibly boring but it turned out otherwise. He’s a jerk at first, but it’s nice to see how he does genuinely try to change throughout the storyline of Book 2. 

Also, props to this for being one of only three Choices series ever (the others being OG HSS and ILITW) where the collectible system has some items that aren’t diamond-walled. The baby blanket collectibles are really cute, and it’s really refreshing to have a collectible system that isn’t “the first one is free and then the rest you have to pay for”. Like HSS, there are even some pieces that are determinant on your success in certain events. Why can’t more series do their collectibles like this??? (Oh right, because it requires actual effort). 

Would I say it’s a good or accurate portrayal of pregnancy? IDK, I’m not an expert. But it’s fine if you just want a lighthearted pregnancy story to chill out to. 

[my-castles-crumbling]

Oh my godddd do I need ur advice Cassssssssss! So in my friend group with have this mildly sexist joke, of whenever an annoying man does something irritating, we say “ugh men suck”. I am conscious that an “ugh women suck” would offend our group and therefore we’re hypocritical, but to be fair, we say it when men randomly sexualise us, they say it when women cry… so? Anyway, the other day, me (im a girl btw), and two of my other friends were hanging out in town. Ones a girl and ones a boy. 

And this guy walks past and catcalls us, and my friend rolls her eyes and goes “ugh men fucking suck”. And my guy friend (who btw him and our other guy friend have said they’re fine with these jokes as long as we don’t act like they’re a part of it? u know) jokingly goes “ouch”. It’s a joke. I knew it was a joke and laughed. He’s respectful and kind and sweet and the type of guy to agree that that type of guy SUCKS.  

BUT MY FRIEND goes; “Oh not you, you don’t count. You’re not a real guy.”

He’s trans.

And I wanted to punch her.

OF FUCKING COURSE HES A GUY. He literally put more effort into being a guy than any other guy you’ve ever met. All other guys are born having to be guys. He had to put the effort in to be called a guy. He’s more guy than any other guy.  

But I didn’t punch her or correct her because knowing my guy friend, I knew he wouldn’t want to bring it up. He sort of looked at me, and me at him, and then there was an awkward silence before we went back to normal.

So we walk home and drop him off at his place and I give him a look, roughly translates to “is it cool if I bring up earlier to her and tell her she made u uncomfty.” and he gives me a look that’s sort of like “u know I hate talking abt this stuff but I don’t want that to happen again so sure, thanks”.

So we’re walking, its just us two now, and as we go I say, “Hey mind if we talk abt something u said today, I don’t think you meant it this way but I think it upset *my guy friend”

And she says sure and looks kinda confused. So I bring up the whole, you’re not a real guy, thing. And she says she didn’t mean it that way. 

So I say, “You know I think you’re really lovely, and it was an accident and all, just for future reference, saying he’s not a real guy, it can cause dysphoria. So he feels like you’re rejecting him being trans and being a guy.”

And she’s goes “But he’s not a guy. He was a girl first so he gets it.” And I go “But he’s always felt like a guy and now he’s presenting as a guy and using male pronouns, so you saying he’s not a real guy is upsetting for him”.

And she goes “But he’s like us so he’s not a real guy.”

So I go “What? He doesn’t have a dick, is that it?” (i’m getting a lil defensive at this point, i’ve known my guy friend for YEARS and she’s a newer friend of like this year- and before this point very lovely, so i’m like confused and annoyed) then i say “Or is it that he’s nice. Did you mean he’s nice, like *our other guy friend who btw isn’t trans*. Not the type to catcall ppl?”

And she goes “Yeah. That. But like, if you think of a guy, you think the sort of body type right? He has our body or whatever. I’m not saying he’s not a guy. Just not a full guy.”

So I go, “No. No he is a ‘full’ guy. He’s as much guy as any other guy. And if you say he’s not- look my point is that saying that sort of thing really upsets him so please don’t in the future.”

And SHE GOES “Well if he has a problem he can tell me himself”. 

GIRL WHAT THE FUCK? Okay look, I love my friends. And i’m not often the type to choose sides because a lot of arguments at 18 are petty ones. But I won’t be friends with this girl if I know she’s going to be transphobic and make one of my closest friends uncomfortable. Even if she doesn’t realise she’s being a transphobe.

So I say “please look this up so you understand why it would upset him. He doesn’t like to talk abt this stuff, but it bothers him”.

And she goes “how do you know it bothers him if he doesn’t talk abt it.”

And yes this could be genuine, if she finds it tough to read emotions on ppls faces, so I tried to be fair in answering.

I go, “Well, he seemed upset when you said it. And that sort of comment has been said to him before, and in private he’s mentioned that he doesn’t like it.”

We’ve had long talks abt the way it bothers him. But she doesn’t need to know that. He hates talking to ppl he’s not really close to abt this stuff since they can swerve any second (like this girl now).

So she goes “If he can tell u, why can’t he tell me?” And I go “He’s just more comfortable around me since we’ve known each other so long.”

(i would like to add in here, we are very good friends but also not the type to leave ppl out. She didn’t have a “reason” for her comment or a reason to be mad. We were all chatting all day. Never left her out. Just because we’ve known her less long, it didn’t bother me or him. There was no duo in a trio thing all day- I only brought up our closer relationship now since it seemed like a good way to explain it to her) 

And she goes “Oh my god so you knew him before he transitioned then? What’s his deadname?”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK! 

I go silent. Then I say “I’ve known him a long time.” And then I go silent again and she doesn’t say anything and we walk the remaining like two- three minutes to her place. My house is like five minutes from there, it’s the exact way so it’s not like I could’ve gone a dif route. 

So yeah. That happened. 

So I text my guy friend once i’m home and give him the debrief.

He ends up deciding he doesn’t want to make this a thing. She’s friends with our bigger group- which is like 9-10 ppl- so he doesnt want to cause anything, even tho they’d all happily explain why she’s being a transphobe. He said he didn’t want her to feel ganged up on.

HES TOO NICE. WHAT THE HELL.

So I text him; “if she says anything else transphobic i’ll do my best to explain it to her and have her stop but if it becomes more than one more comment I think we should consider her friendship cause I know you’ll be uncomfortable and I don’t want to be friends with a transphobe.”

So yeah. Look I get that partly it’s not fair. She wasn’t raised somewhere where they’d teach her this stuff. She doesn’t understand that she’s being transphobic. But also, she should look this stuff up and listen when I tell her, instead of disregarding me when i’m tryna help. 

But I also really want to get through to her. But most importantly I want my guy friend to be comfortable around his friends. But he’s way to nice to bring up what she said to everyone else (they would not approve either). 

Hi!

Oh, wow.

Okay, first, I want to commend you for approaching this where you're trying not to make your guy friend uncomfortable while still being an ally. Genuinely, it sounds like you're a fantastic friend, and you're trying hard to listen to his needs.

This is so hard, because at first, I was like- oh! The other friend is just ignorant. A lot of people who make comments like that are ignorant, and like...even as a trans person, I can see the twisted way of thinking that ted to those comments.

But then, after being gently and kindly corrected, the friend doubled down, and THAT is the problem.

People are allowed to make mistakes, especially when they may have been raised with a set of views. But to double down like that is where I take issue, and I think you're right to take issue as well.

HOWEVER:

This is first and foremost, your guy friend's battle. If he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, you need to respect his wishes. You're absolutely correct (and very smart by realizing) that these comments can cause dysphoria, which is awful. But it could be that your guy friend wants to cope with that by not acknowledging it. And that's valid.

So I think the right thing to do is to not bring this specific issue up unless he asks. But if your other friend says generally transphobic things, I think it's okay to correct them if you feel comfortable. So like, if your other friend says "'Guy friend' is emotional like a girl." then I would wait for your guy friend's permission to say something. But if she says like.. "Trans people should have to go to the bathroom of their gender assigned at birth," then you can speak up. You can also choose on your own to take space from this other friend.

You can also be there for your guy friend by reminding him that you know those comments are not okay, and you support him however he needs.

I know it's a lot to think about, but I really think you're doing a great job. Write back with updates! I'm naming you commendable anon in case you do!

[hxllfires-gifs]

PAIRING. ethan torchio x trans!male!reader

SUMMARY. being transgender with dysphoria was painful for y/n but ethan was always there to make it a little bit better.

WORD COUNT. 913

CRYING FILLED THE bathroom’s silence as Y/N L/N stared at himself in the mirror. This is something that had gone on for the past couple of minutes; he was feeling insecure, more than that honestly. He was unable to pinpoint what triggered these feelings this time but all he knew was that it sucked. He hated getting this way so often but it really wasn’t something that he could control.

Being a transgender male was difficult for a plethora of reasons and the dysphoria did not help matters. He had only recently been starting the process of transitioning. He had started Testosterone, which was exciting to him, but he hated that he had to do it in the first place.

Why was he born in such a feminine body? It was a question that he asked himself too often. There wasn’t many parts of his body that he actually didn’t mind and he didn’t like saying ‘my body’ because he didn’t feel like that’s what it was. Why would he?

The days when he just stood in front of a mirror and cried were not good for his mental health but sometimes he didn’t see how things could get worse. He really did try but the bad days just brought him down so much.

However, he felt lucky that he had such a lovely support system in his boyfriend and their friends. Ethan Torchio had been such an angel to Y/N, even before he came out to anyone. The Italian was so respectful and genuine. He was always ready to share his clothes with his boyfriend which Y/N greatly appreciated.

He was the one who kept Y/N going during these difficult times. The male didn’t know what he would do without Ethan and he didn’t want to think about it since it gave him anxiety.

Speaking of, the brunette had just gotten back home from recording at the studio with the band, which his boyfriend hadn’t realized. The sound of the H/C haired boy’s cries could be heard from their bedroom and it broke Ethan’s heart. He wished that he could take every ounce of pain away but he sadly couldn’t. However, that didn’t mean that he never tried.

The Torchio soon made his way into the bathroom and frowned at the sight of his lover. He didn’t completely understand what Y/N felt but he would always try to and he would always listen.

“Amore mio, what’s wrong?” The words were soft and gentle, not wanting to startle the other male, even though he was in plain sight.

The L/N sniffled. “Everything about me is just wrong! My face is too feminine, my hips are too wide, I’m not tall enough. I will never be able to pass as a guy. It freaking hurts.”

Ethan walked closer to his boyfriend, his body towering over Y/N’s slightly. “Can I touch you?”

He didn’t want to make his lover anymore uncomfortable but he wanted to calm him down, show him love, make sure that he was not alone no matter how much it felt like it sometimes. Once he saw the male nod his head, he gently wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, Y/N’s back to his chest.

“I know I don’t understand what you are going through but it hurts me to see you like this. I hate how you constantly put yourself down. Things will get better and I hope that your dysphoria becomes less severe as time goes on and as the Testosterone starts doing its thing.”

“I’m here for you every step of the way. I know you have anxiety when it comes to surgery and being put under anesthesia but if you decide you need top surgery or anything else, I’ll support you. You’re not in this alone.” Ethan kissed the top of his lover’s head.

He continued what was now becoming a speech, unable to stop himself. “I want you to also remember that it’s okay to take your time. You don’t have to come out to anyone else if you’re not ready and you don’t have to make decisions about surgeries and stuff if you don’t feel comfortable.”

His comment about coming out was referring to Y/N’s family who weren’t all that supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. It was something that also brought Y/N down but he tried not to care so much, although it was hard since it was his family; his parents, his grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins.

Ethan then placed his head onto his lover’s right shoulder. “When I look into the mirror at you, I see nothing but handsome boyfriend who I love with my whole being. You are the most important thing to me and I will never let you forget it.”

Y/N turned around in Ethan’s arms to look at him. He reached a hand up to wipe his tears, feeling a little better because of his boyfriend’s kindness. “Thank you,” he was quick enough to say before his brain started thinking of just how grateful he was for his relationship.

“Of course, like I said, I’m always here for you.” His reassurance made Y/N feel better. He always loved knowing that he had someone who genuinely cared and wanted the best for him.

Ethan didn’t take long to add, “Now, do you want to go watch ‘Grease’ and cuddle? I think that will take your mind off of things and stop you from spiraling.”

“I’d love that,” Y/N L/N spoke softly.

AUTHOR’S NOTE! if you are someone who does experience dysphoria, i’m so sorry. you are strong and beautiful! i have personally gone through it as well but not to a severe level; but i’ve still cried over it and felt terrible, so i hope this can give at least one person some sort of comfort. i love you all, whoever is reading this.

[hypnoneghoul]

Mushy May Day 21. Body worship - Raindrop

WC: 1980

Dew doesn't feel too good about the changes the fire made on his body, Rain helps (+warning for dysphoria).

Read under the cut or on AO3.

Dewdrop was staring at himself through the body mirror built into the inside of his wardrobe. Again.

He was just in his boxers, he didn’t need to point out what they hid too, that wouldn’t end well, even if he was fine with it on a daily basis.

Dew stared at the scars on his ribs, under his pecs - one set rosy, the rest black, charred.

Ugly.

More black lines on his neck, forearms, calves, the base of his tail, the tip of it.

Wrong.

His skin was light grey, with a little bit of a red undertone, dry, at the verge of flaking off, on his shoulders and hips.

Ugly.

He looks into his eyes, which aren’t really his. His eyes were a pretty blue, those are striking orange. He sees tears welling up in them.

Wrong.

The hair falling onto his shoulders is no longer a pretty, silky blue-silver. It’s a curtain of straw-like strands.

Ugly.

Everything he is now, everything he was left with is wrong and ugly.

“Dew, baby?” he didn’t hear Rain come in, before he called out. Dew immediately tried to make it look like he was trying to pick something out of the wardrobe, but Rain stood there for too long. He saw the tears through the mirror, saw Dew’s slim shoulders shaking slightly, smelled his smokey scent turning more suffocating, acrid

“H- hi, just getting dressed,” Dew sniffled, absolutely not fooling anyone.

“Baby,” Rain repeated. So soft. “You don’t have to lie, hide, you know that. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s fine, I just…” the fire ghoul tried, but when he turned around to look at his mate and saw worry and love painted there, he couldn’t hold it up anymore. He burst into tears, hand flying to muffle his sobs, and Rain was immediately by his side, holding him close to his chest. “Rainy, it’s all so wrong.”

“What is, love?” Rain whispered, rubbing his hand up and down Dew’s bare back.

“Everything,” he sobbed in response. “Me. I’m just ugly and all wrong now, I don’t-”

“Dew, listen to me now,” the water ghoul interrupted, tilting Dew’s head up. “You are the most stunning creature I have ever had the privilege of laying my eyes on. You are nowhere near ugly, nor wrong.”

“But- I’m all scars, now,” he whined. “You’re just saying that, because you love me, because you’re my mate. Because you didn’t see me before.”

“I do love you, yes, very much, and I’m pretty sure I’d love you the exact same amount no matter if you’re fire or water. Unmeasurable.” Rain assured, making Dew sob even more, and just then, an idea sprouted out in his mind. “Turn around, baby, let me show you.”

Dew let out a quiet confused chirp, but obeyed, casting his eyes downwards as he was met up with his reflection again.

“No, look,” his mate encouraged, glueing himself to Dew’s back. “I want you to see what I see.”

“Rainy, I-”

“Shhh,” the water ghoul dragged his hands down Dewdrop’s arms, softly stroking the single scars on his forearms, moving onto his hips. “So pretty. Love those hips, just perfect for me to grab.” 

And he did just that, after a moment sliding one of his palms down and resting it just over Dew’s boxers, “I think I don’t have to tell you what I like about what’s there.”

The fire ghoul was breathless, partially from crying, but also from the undivided attention Rain now paid him and his heavy gaze filled with nothing but adoration. He moved his hands up Dew’s torso, stroking the scars on his ribs, “Beautiful, a bit like a lionfish, those stripes. And these ones,” he said stroking the pink ones, “just gave me the most perfect, adorable tits to worship, didn’t they?”

Dewdrop, of course, did not answer, the comment about a lionfish echoing in his mind. Rain was right.

“Hmm, those shoulders,” he sighed, massaging the muscles there gently. “I don’t know, something about them is just… so perfect.”

Now one of his hands got back to Dew’s belly, pinning him to Rain’s chest, while the other dragged up to gently wrap around his neck.

“This pretty, slim neck. Again, just perfect for me to grab, like all of you was moulded for my hands. You love when I hold it too, don’t you? Of course, you do.” Rain chuckled, giving one playful squeeze and moved up again, cupping the fire ghoul’s jaw and turning him around. “And your gorgeous eyes, so big, like a puppy’s. How I love having them on me, always.”

Rain pushed some stray pieces of Dew’s hair behind his horns and ears, “There you go. You know, I love the hair too, it's so long, so soft, beautiful. Wish you’d take better care of it, though, you know, it would be like silk. I love running my hands through it, braiding it, and tugging. You love it all too, I know you do.”

Dewdrop nodded, barely noticeable, and Rain let out a soft chuckle, “But you can’t use it to hide, baby.”

 He bent over to place a soft kiss on his mate’s horn, then the other on, then forehead, nose, whispering “my favourite, pretty face,” between the kisses, continuing on both his cheeks, then jaw, to finally land on his lips, “and my favourite, little mouth.”

Dew melted into the water ghoul, forgetting all doubts, believing everything Rain said. Even if only for a moment, he thought that maybe, someday Rain wouldn’t have to tell him all that, that he’ll see it all himself. Even if not, Dew knew that his mate would always be there to remind him again.

“Do you understand, baby?” he asked, looking so deep into the fire ghoul’s eyes.

“Y- yeah. Thank you, Rainy,” he sobbed nuzzling his head into his mate’s chest.

“Nothing to thank me for, love,” the water ghoul chuckled. “Bed now, yes?”

“Yeah,” Dew murmured and let himself be guided to their nest. 

Soon enough he was laying on top of Rain, his long arms caging the smaller in, face shoved into his neck, as he let Rain’s soft gill fins tickle his nose. Dew’s hand was on the other side of his mate’s neck, gently fiddling with them.

“You want me to glamour them away?” the water ghoul asked carefully. Dew missed his incredibly and Rain didn’t want to get him back to the panic from minutes before.

“No,” Dew sighed in response. “You know, mine were different.”

“Were they?”

“Yeah. Yours are softer, something like a betta fish. I had something like an axolotl would, I think.” 

Rain couldn’t help but imagine, and he felt a pang of longing despite himself. The next words he spoke, were let out despite himself too, “Do you have a picture, maybe? Of you?”

Dew lifted his head up to look down at Rain with wide eyes, and he immediately regretted asking, “No, sorry, I shouldn’t have, forget about it…”

“No, I- I do.” Dewdrop admitted. “I just never wanted to show you in case… in case you’d realise that it’s worse now…”

“Well, I think you know now that won’t happen.” Rain assured, bringing Dew down for a kiss. “So, if you would feel comfortable showing me, I’d love to see.”

“I- uh, yeah. Yeah, okay, I want you to see.”

Dewdrop got up from the nest and padded to one of his chest of drawers, crouching down to pull out the lowest one. Rain sat up looking at his mate with a soft smile. Something in how Dew was doing some things just seemed awfully cute to Rain. 

In the meantime, the fire ghoul got back to the nest with a small wooden box. He sat cross-legged, putting the box between him and Rain. He hesitated before opening it, a flash of doubt in his eyes.

“You don’t have to, really, I-” the water ghoul reminded him.

“I want to,” Dew interrupted. “I think confronting it may actually help a bit?”

“I hope so, baby,” Rain chuckled. Dew took a deep breath and opened the box, lid hiding the contents from Rain, for now.

The small ghoul slowly pulled out a few pictures, shuffling them for a bit like cards. He then closed the box and jumped to sit next to Rain, leaning into him.

“Here,” he said, showing his mate the first picture.

The water ghoul audibly gasped at the sight. He could barely recognise Dew at first, to be honest. He was standing on a practice stage, with a bass, Meliora uniform on, but no mask. His silvery blue hair flowed down over his shoulders, his lips were upturned into the prettiest smile, blue eyes nearly glowing in happiness or amusement. He was looking to the side, the photo must’ve been taken without his notice.

He was beautiful, captivating.

But Rain noticed something else, something that not many probably would. Dew was gorgeous, yes, happy, in this picture, but his shoulders were slumped a little, something that Rain knew Dew did before his top surgery. Dew may have indeed been pretty as a water ghoul, too, but he wasn’t exactly content in that body, either.

“Dew, I- uh, you really were beautiful,” Rain choked out. “I mean, you know what I mean. You are beautiful now too, I think I proved it, it was just different.”

“Yeah,” the fire ghoul sighed, pulling out another picture. “Look here.”

In this one, Ifrit was piggybacking Dew, both visibly laughing. He showed Rain some more, one taken by Terzo when their whole pack, Aether, Dew, Mountain, Zephyr and Ifrit, fell asleep on the tour bus floor, tangled together like spaghetti. In another one Dew was hanging upside down, held by his ankle by Mountain, arms crossed over his chest and a pout on his face. There was one in which Dew had obviously just taken off his mask and balaclava after a show, as he had terribly messed up hair and smeared paint around his eyes. 

Rain saw his mate light up at the memories, even if he himself was lost in thoughts. He let them out when they got to the last picture Dew had to show, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Uhm- yeah, of course,” the fire ghoul chuckled confusedly.

“You were absolutely beautiful as a water ghoul, yes. You are absolutely beautiful as a fire ghoul too, just a different kind of beauty. But, even if you miss it sometimes, even if it all was taken from you by force, I think that you are happier in this body in some cases.”

“Rain, I don’t think I-”

“Let me finish, please. I know your surgery, and the other changes didn’t exactly have anything to do with your element but, look, this body now is yours. Isn’t it? The water one wasn’t exactly, was it?”

“I- well, when you put it like that…” Dew admitted, actually meaning it.

“I suppose the perfect situation would be the surgery, and the rest, as a water ghoul, but-” Rain wondered.

“But then I wouldn’t meet you,” his mate blurted out, shocking Rain a bit. Yes, that was true, but that was not what he had in mind.

“Well, yes, but that’s not what I was going to say,” he smiled, a bit nervously.

“I don’t care,” Dew laughed. “That’s the only thing that matters now, I think.”

“If you say so…” Rain joined with a quiet giggle, as Dew grabbed his jaw and kissed him deeply.

“Thank you, Rainy,” Dew whispered after some time.

“Told you already, no need, love,” the water ghoul reminded him, kissing the base of his horn softly.

“There is,” his mate argued. “I don’t know where I’d end up without you.”

“Feeling’s mutual, baby” Rain sighed, tightening his hold on the little ghoul. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

[babyspacebatclone]

So, good thing!

I have done some personal work (aka running thoughts in my head when I should be sleeping until the urge to cry stops) and come to an understanding about one of my C-PTSD triggers!

Bad thing!

Turns out this goes all the way back to childhood and I’m just as a 43 year old putting the pieces together!!!

That trigger?

Gaslighting

I know that’s a word that gets thrown around a ton nowadays and unfortunately very often not appropriately.

So, definition from Merriam-Webster:

psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator

Translation:

A pattern of behavior from an abuser where the victim is made to increasingly question their own perception of reality, with the result that the victim will learn to suppress their own “contradictory” opinions in favor of the abuser’s stated version of reality so that the victim stops feeling punished for “being wrong.”

Oh, and if you happen to have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria on top of that??

Realizing how much I experienced gaslighting from my father as a child was….

And my father was a master of it, partially because most of the time he wasn’t trying to gaslight.

He just had his version of reality, was convinced it was the only valid interpretation of events, and made sure everyone in the family who disagreed was made painfully uncomfortable enough until they stopped questioning.

Now, blaming my mother of cheating when all the evidence supports him of having extramarital relationships, that was deliberate.

But for me, a lot of it was just my father having this giant block of logic that he honestly believed, and - smothering me under it until I had to stop questioning the stuff that didn’t make sense.

And now if I encounter something with one valid point to prop up nonsense…

I’m stuck in this hyperspeed loop in my brain of Wrong Wrong It’s Wrong I’m Wrong Wrong Wrong Panic It’s Wrong I’m a Bad Person Wrong Wrong Wrong….

…..

I’m going to keep working on this.

The good news is, there’s a lot of things I’ve already been able to inoculate myself where I can ignore the flimsy stuff and just recognize the junk for what it is.

Considering I had to go through a year of working in a mental health facility as an on-floor staff, being told “Everything is under control, we’re addressing stuff, don’t worry!” only to get completely broken, finally quit, when have the facility shut down four months later for the things I was angry about when I quit and had been told right up until the end were “managed”….

….

Anyway….

I’m working on it.