#anyway! crazy how hard fixing your mental health is especially when you run it into a brick wall<3

[dirt-mccracken]

I haven't left my house in almost 3 full days and I think it may be starting to have some negative impacts

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

[piet-ra]

Taylor Swift x Catradora Masterlist

So, this is a masterlist no one asked for but I'm doing anyway. It's basically every Taylor Swift song that think fits the dynamic perfectly or that I'm completely projecting a Catradora storyline into (it's canon universe, no AU). I’m basically SPOPfying TS’s discography. It can be just one line or the whole song. I will highlight the lyrics and it is sorted by album. I hope you enjoy it and if it helps my fanfic writers out there, all the best. (just an fyi, I’m listening to all of this through a very romantic filter, before anyone comes at me saying that “actually catra wanted more than Adora and their issues were deeper than just unrequited love and bla bla. I know. just let us enjoy this gay animated couple)

I might develop my reasoning more in some than in others, so if you want to know more about why I chose such song and all that, just send me asks, I love them! 

Let’s get on with the list now!

From “Taylor Swift”(Yee haw taylor at her finest)

Picture to burn

okay, so bear with me. Catra’s pov after Adora left her.

“there’s no time for tears/I’m just sitting here plotting my revenge”

“And if you’re missing me you’d better keep it to yourself/ cause coming back around here would be bad for your health”

“so watch me strike a match on all my wasted time/ as far as i’m concerned you’re just another picture to burn” -> I can just imagine catra scratching their doodles when i listen to this through a catradora lens.

Teardrops on my guitar

Teenage Catra’s pov pining over Adora.

“Drew looks at me/I fake a smile so he won’t see/That I want and I’m needing/ everything that we should be”

 “I laugh 'cause it is just so funny/ That I can't even see anyone when he's with me”

“[he’s] the only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart”

A Place in this World

Adora trying to deal with the new responsibilities and pressure She-ra brought her.

“I don’t know what I want/ so don’t ask me/ ‘cause I’m still trying to figure it out/ don’t know what’s down this road/ I'm just walking/Trying to see through the rain coming down”

“I’m alone, on my own/ and that’s all I know/ I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong/ oh but life goes on/ oh I’m just a girl/ trying to find a place in this world”

The outside

Catra’s pov(on her way to redemption)

“So, how can I ever try to be better?/ Nobody ever lets me in/ And I can still see you, this ain’t the best view/ On the outside looking in”

“You saw me there, but never knew/ That I would give it all up to be/ A part of this, a part of you/ And now it's all too late, so you see/ You could have helped if you had wanted to/ But no one notices until it's too late to do anything/ How could I ever try to be better?”

Tied Together With a Smile

Catra to Adora and her self sacrificial complex.

“hold on, baby, you’re losing it/ the water’s high/ you’re jumping into it/ And letting go and no one knows/ That you cry but you don’t tell anyone/ That you might not be the golden one/ and you’re tied together with a smile/ but you’re coming undone

Should’ve said no

Catra to Adora(season 1)

“you should’ve said no, you should’ve gone home/ you should’ve thought twice ‘fore you let it all go/You should've known that word like what you did with her/ Would get back to me/ and I should’ve been there, in the back of your mind/ I shouldn’t be asking myself why/You shouldn't be beggin' for forgiveness at my feet/ you should’ve said no, baby, and you might still have me”

“I can’t resist, before you go, tell me this/ was it worth it?”

I’m only me when I’m with you

just general catradora because this is effing cute

“I'm only up when you're not down/Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground/ It's like no matter what I do/ Well you drive me crazy half the time/ The other half I'm only tryna let you know that what I feel is true/ And I'm only me when I'm with you”

A Perfectly good heart

Catra’s pov(season 1)

“Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now/ Why would you wanna make the very first scar/ Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart”

“Maybe I should've seen the signs/ Should've read the writing on the wall/ And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall/ No matter what you say, I still can't believe/ That you would walk away/ It don't make sense to me”

From “Fearless”(platinum edition)

Forever and always

ohhh the promises.... catra’s pov.

“And then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all/ And you flashback to when we said forever and always/ And it rains in your bedroom/ Everything is wrong/ It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone/ 'Cause I was there when you said forever and always/ You didn't mean it baby”

Come in with the rain

this one i think it fits both Adora and Catra singing the same thing to each other(while they were still stranged) and if you want the whole reasoning behind, ask haha cause otherwise this is going to be even bigger. 

“I've watched you so long, screamed your name/ I don't know what else I can say/ But I'll leave my window open/ 'Cause I'm too tired at night for all these games/ Just know I'm right here hoping/ That you'll come in with the rain/ I could go back to every laugh/ But I don't wanna go there anymore”

The other side of the door

this is pure catra. just pure catra. seasons 1- 4 Catra and what she did vs her real feelings. (very fitting for ”promises” too)

“In the heat of the fight I walked away/ Ignoring words that you were saying/ Trying to make me stay/ I said, "This time I've had enough"/ And you've called a hundred times/ But I'm not picking up/ 'Cause I'm so mad I might tell you that it's over/ But if you look a little closer/ I said, "Leave," but all I really want is you/ To stand outside my window throwing pebbles/ Screaming, "I'm in love with you"”

“Me and my stupid pride are sitting here alone/ Going through the photographs, staring at the phone”

“So babe if you know everything/ Tell me why you couldn't see/ When I left, I wanted you to chase after me”

“And I'll scream out the window/ I can't even look at you/ I don't need you but I do, I do, I do/ I say, "There's nothing you can say/ To make this right again, I mean it, I mean it”/ What I mean is/ I said, "Leave," but baby, all I want is you”

White Horse

okay, that’s just a joke. but I wanted to share the mental image my brain created. I just can’t stop imagining Catra on princess prom, looking longingly at Adora dancing with some nameless girl and singing “I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale/ I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet/ lead her up the stairwell” and then catching a glimpse of swifty “Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around”

i’m so sorry for this, but I’m actually not.

oh and the more serious interpretation is Catra refusing Adora and her fucking hero complex, saying it’s too late for her to try to go and fix things.

You belong with me

Just to mention this song fits every childhood friends to lovers ever. so that’s it.

Tell me why

Adora’s pov(season 3-4). I feel this is Adora getting more and more frustrated with Catra and especially after she “gave up” on catra after the portal.  and this connection made me sad.(and I’m not by any means calling Catra abusive with this, because I know how the song depicts a somewhat abusive relatioship and I’m not by saying Catradora is that(it isn’t, at all), but their relationship throughout the seasons is fucking messy.)

“I took a chance, I took a shot/ And you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not/ You took a swing, I took it hard/ And down here from the ground I see who you are/ I'm sick and tired of your attitude/ I'm feeling like I don't know you”

“And I need you like a heartbeat/ But you know you got a mean streak.”

“And I know you see what you’re doing to me/ Tell me why”

and the one that hurts:

“I take a step back, let you go/ I told you I’m not bulletproof/ Now you know”

You’re Not Sorry

Adora’s pov, post portal

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around/ I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down/ And it's taken me this long, baby, but I've figured you out/ And you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around”

“You don't have to call anymore/ I won't pick up the phone/ This is the last straw/ Don't wanna hurt anymore/ And you can tell me that you're sorry/ But I don't believe you baby like I did before/ You're not sorry”

Change

so everything here might be a lot of a stretch, but I can’t really control what my head comes up with. The song progresses and so does Catradora’s story in this. like, I feel the song starts when they are kids in the Horde and then teenagers promising each other they will rise in the ranks and rule the place and then after defeating Horde Prime and getting their new beginning.(And maybe both of them singing, but I feel Adora would fit better, dunno)

“And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you/Somebody else gets what you wanted again and/ You know it's all the same, another time and place/ Repeating history and you're getting sick of it/ But I believe in whatever you do/ And I'll do anything to see it through/ Because these things will change/ Can you feel it now?” -> Adora singing to catra imo, but you see it however you want to honestly.

“These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down/ This revolution, the time will come/ For us to finally win/ And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah” -> Here it’s the promise they made when they were younger, that they would be running the place together and even the “nothing rly bad can happen as long as we have each other” one.

“So we've been outnumbered, raided, and now cornered/ It's hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair/ We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/ They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared” -> maybe their teenage years strengthening their resolution. 

“Tonight we stand, get off our knees/ Fight for what we've worked for all these years/ And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives/ But we'll stand up champions tonight/ It was the night things changed/ Can you see it now?” -> this could be so so so many things, but I chose to see as a time skip and it is the night they defeated horde prime just to make it interesting. (this whole thing was such a stretch, but I’m having fun with it, so fuck it i guess)

From “Speak Now”

 Sparks Fly

Adora’s pov

“The way you move is like a full on rainstorm/ And I'm a house of cards/ You're the kind of reckless/ That should send me running/ But I kinda know that I won't get far”

“Take away the pain/ 'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile/ Get me with those green eyes, baby/ As the lights go down/ Gimme something that'll haunt me whenever you're not around/ 'Cause I see, sparks fly, when you smile”

“My mind forgets to remind me, your a bad idea”

Back to December

Catra’s pov(call from Horde Prime’s ship and interactions on Darla)

“Your guard is up and I know why/ Because the last time you saw me/ Is still burned in the back of your mind”

“So this is me swallowing my pride/ Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night”

“It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you”

“These days, I haven't been sleeping/ Staying up, playing back myself leaving”

“I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't/ So if the chain is on your door, I understand”

Mean

That’s just Catra singing to Shadow Weaver, I’m sorry. the whole song fits here, so just my top picks.

“You, with your words like knives/ And swords and weapons that you use against me/ You have knocked me off my feet again/ Got me feeling like I'm nothing/ You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard/ Calling me out when I'm wounded/ You, picking on the weaker man”

“You, with your switching sides/ And your wildfire lies and your humiliation/ You have pointed out my flaws again/ As if I don't already see them”

“All you are is mean/ And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life/ And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean”

The story of us

both Adora and Catras(basically the whole song lol)

“I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us/ How we met, and the sparks flew instantly”

“I used to know my place was a spot next to you/ Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat/ 'Cause lately, I don't even know what page you're on”

“Oh, a simple complication/ Miscommunications lead to fallout/ So many things that I wish you knew/ So many walls up, I can't break through”

“Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room/ And we're not speaking/ And I'm dying to know/ Is it killing you like it's killing me?/ Yeah, I don't know what to say/ Since the twist of fate when it all broke down/ And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”

“How I was losing my mind when I saw you here/ But you held your pride like you should've held me”

“Why are we pretending this is nothing?/ I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how/ I've never heard silence quite this loud”

“This is looking like a contest/ Of who can act like they care less/ But I liked it better when you were on my side”

“But I would lay my armor down/ If you say you'd rather love than fight”

(let’s ignore that the song actually ends in tragedy lol)

Haunted

Why did you leave, Adora, for fuck’s sake. Catra’s pov.

“Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/ I thought I had you figured out/ Something's gone terribly wrong/ You're all I wanted/ Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/ I thought I had you figured out/ Can't breathe whenever you're gone/ Can't turn back now, I'm haunted”

“Stood there and watched you walk away/ From everything we had”

oh and a sad bonus. Catra’s pov from when she was Chipped:

“He will try to take away my pain/ And he just might make me smile/ But the whole time, I'm wishing it was you instead/ Oh, holding my breath/ Won't see you again/ Something keeps me holding onto nothing”

Last Kiss

I’m realizing with this list that Taylor is a Catra Kinnie(and she condones murder now, so great!). Catra’s pov.

“I still remember the look on your face/ Lit through the darkness at 1:58/ The words that you whispered/ For just us to know/ You told me you loved me/ So why did you go away?/ Away”

“All that I know is I don't know/ How to be something you miss/ I never thought we'd have a last kiss/ Never imagined we'd end like this”

Long Live

The very fortunate aftermath of the Heart of Etheria and the defeat of Horde Prime. anyone can be the narrator in this, but for me is Catra and Adora, together(but some Catra solos)(I’m such an Adora kinnie, but fuck if this isn’t dominated by my fav catgirl)

“I said: Remember this moment/ In the back of my mind/ The time we stood with our shaking hands/.../ The night you danced like you knew our lives/ Would never be the same/ You held your head like a hero/ On a history book page/ It was the end of a decade/ But the start of an age”

“Long live the walls we crashed through/ All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you/ I was screaming, long live all the magic we made/ And bring on all the pretenders/ One day, we will be remembered”

“And the cynics were outraged/ Screaming, "This is absurd"/ 'Cause for a moment, a band of thieves/ In ripped up jeans got to rule the world” (fourth wall breaking, catra is actually singing this to her haters)

“I'm not afraid/ Long live all the mountains we moved/ I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you/ I was screaming, long live that look on your face”

“Will you take a moment?/ Promise me this/ That you'll stand by me forever”

Ours

just a cute song, go listen to it and insert literally anyone in it.

From “Red”

Treacherous

i feel like it fits the vibe of the dynamic, but I don’t feel like expanding on it lol

All Too Well(because ofc)

I honestly don’t know who narrates this one. either Catra or Adora fit well, but I’m more inclined to say Adora but idk why. it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

“And I know it's long gone and/ There was nothing else I could do/ And I forget about you long enough/ To forget why I needed to” -> in this one i was like, Adora for sure

“Maybe we got lost in translation/ Maybe I asked for too much/ But maybe this thing was a masterpiece/ 'Til you tore it all up/ Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well” -> But then this one came and I was like, well, depending on the pov, it fits both.

“And you call me up again just to break me like a promise/ So casually cruel in the name of being honest”(best lyrics c’mon) -> and the whole break me like a promise thingy made me think Catra’s pov, but then I guess you could also put it in Adora’s pov if you wanted to, so up to y’all.

I Almost Do

C’mon, Catra once again.

“And I just want to tell you/ It takes everything in me not to call you/ And I wish I could run to you/ And I hope you know that/ Every time I don’t/ I almost do, I almost do”

“I bet you think I either moved on or hate you/ ‘Cause each time you reach out, there’s no reply/ I bet it never, ever occurred to you/ That I can’t say hello to you/ And risk another goodbye”(kill me now, there’s still a lot of heartbreak for me to go through)

The Last Time

Catra’s pov, before she leaves Adora and has the little breakdown with Melog.

“This is the last time I'm asking you this/ Put my name at the top of your list/ This is the last time I'm asking you why/ You break my heart in the blink of an eye”

“Just like all those times before/ You wear your best apology/ But I was there to watch you leave/ And all the times I let you in/ Just for you to go again”

Everything has changed

baby Catra and baby Adora meeting and immediately clicking.(Tay is Adora and Ed is Catra for me, but as always, you do you.)

“I just wanna know you better/ Know you better, know you better now”

“'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello"/ And your eyes look like coming home/ All I know is a simple name/ Everything has changed/ All I know is you held the door/ You'll be mine and I'll be yours/ All I know since yesterday/ Is everything has changed”

“ And all my walls stood tall, painted blue/ And I'll take 'em down, take 'em down/ And open up the door for you”

Come back… be here

it talks about leaving and all, and the obvious choice is Catra, but Imma put it down as an Adora pov.  for as much as I talk about Adora leaving Catra, Catra also left Adora. justified or not, their reasons, their motives or wtv is not what i’m here to talk about. I’m just stating that Adora asked catra to stay many times and catra didn’t. So the feelings of abandonment also fit Adora very well depending on the way it is weaved. Some are rly just plain Catra, tho. back to the song.

“And this is when the feeling sinks in/ I don't wanna miss you like this/ Come back, be here, come back, be here”

“And now that I can put this down/ If I had known what I know now/ I never would've played so nonchalant”

“This is falling in love in the cruelest way/ This is falling for you when you are worlds away”

“But you're in London, and I break down/ 'Cause it's not fair that you're not around”

From “1989”

Style

general catradora

“And when we go crashing down, we come back every time/ 'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style”

Out of the woods

general catradora

“We were built to fall apart/ Then fall back together”

All you had to do was stay 

Catra’s pov. the line “picking up the pieces of the mess you made” just hits me where it stings, because I remember Catra trying to cover for Adora and then Adora not coming back and then having to deal with the wrath of Shadow weaver alone.

“Now, you say you want it back/ Now that it's just too late/ Well, could've been easy/ All you had to do was (Stay!)”

“Here you are now, calling me up/ But I don't know what to say/ I've been picking up the pieces/ Of the mess you made”

“Let me remind you/ This was what you wanted/ You ended it/ You were all I wanted “

I wish you would

Catra’s pov.

“Windows down, you pass my street, the memories start/ You say it's in the past, you drive straight ahead/ You're thinking that I hate you now/ 'Cause you still don't know what I never said/ I wish you would come back/ Wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I/ Wish you knew that/ I'd never forget you as long as I live, and I/ Wish you were right here, right now,/.../ I wish you would”

“We're a crooked love in a straight line down/ Makes you want to run and hide/ But it makes you turn right back around”

“You always knew how to push my buttons/ You give me everything and nothing”

Bad Blood(original version, not the remix)

Originally I thought, “oh this is Adora” but then I decided it was both of them together.

“’Cause baby, now we've got bad blood/ You know it used to be mad love/ So take a look what you've done/ ’Cause baby, now we've got bad blood, hey!/ Now we've got problems/ And I don't think we can solve 'em/ You made a really deep cut/ And baby, now we've got bad blood, hey!”

“Did you have to do this?/ I was thinking that you could be trusted/ Did you have to ruin what was shiny?/ Now it's all rusted/ Did you have to hit me where I'm weak?/ Baby, I couldn't breathe/ And rub it in so deep/ Salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me”

“Did you think we'd be fine?/ Still got scars in my back from your knives”(i really thought Adora here just cause of the literal scars in her back)

Wildest Dreams

if you want to headcanon a pre she-ra Catradora relationship, this song is really good. Since I’m trying( and def failing in many instances) to be as canon compliant as I can, I’ll skip it.

This Love

Catradora in the heart of etheria. could be both povs: either Catra holding Adora’s dying body and like “this love came back to me” or Adora prepared to die, dreaming about Catra, letting her love go, but in the end came back to her. for me, this is Adora’s, the whole song feels like her to me

“Currents swept you out again/ And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone” -> she’s fading, she’s being fully consumed now and the currents swept catra out from her. 

“In silent screams and wildest dreams/ I never dreamed of this” -> she never allowed herself to dream that Catra would love her or that she wanted a future with Catra, but now she’s being faced with the loss of exactly that.

“This love is good, this love is bad/ This love is alive back from the dead/ These hands had to let it go free, and/ This love came back to me” -> their love is a very complicated thing, is not easy. they have a history of being enemies that tarnish it a bit and when it was too bad, they had to let it go. but the love came back to them in full force. alive back from the dead, literally and figuratively.

“Lantern, burning/ Flickered in my mind, only you/ But you were still gone, gone, gone”

“Been losing grip, on sinking ships/ You showed up just in time” -> adora dying, being saved in the most dramatic way possible.

“This love left a permanent mark/ This love is glowing in the dark” -> just the imagery, wow. and the antithesis of the mark of  scars left by love and now the mark of it is the glowing.

“Your kiss, my cheek/ I watched you leave/ Your smile, my ghost/ I fell to my knees/ When you're young, you just run/ But you come back to what you need” -> finally reunited yay

I know places

Catradora in the Horde being super cute and hiding everywhere, just because.

“Something happens when everybody finds out/ See the vultures circling, dark clouds/ Love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out/ It could burn out”

“'Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns/ They are the hunters, we are the foxes and we run”

“Baby, I know places we won't be found/ And they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down/ 'Cause I, I know places we can hide/ They are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run”

“Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it, my love”

From “Reputation” (Not expecting much from this one)

 Delicate

Catradora being all cute and insecure after the end of the war and learning how to navigate their relationship, the old and the new. Catra’s pov, probably.

“This ain't for the best/ My reputation's never been worse, so/ You must like me for me/ We can't make/ Any promises now, can we, babe?/ Is it cool that I said all that?/ Is it chill that you're in my head?/ 'Cause I know that it's delicate (Delicate)/ Is it cool that I said all that?/ Is it too soon to do this yet?”

Gorgeous

so, i think this song is extremely cute and would fit very well in many various au’s, even some of mine, so I’m just leaving it out here, check it out if you haven’t, but won’t expand on it. 

Dress(I was pleasantly surprised bout this one)

Catra’s pov.

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation/ My hands are shaking from holding back from you/ All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting/ My hands are shaking from all this”

“Say my name and everything just stops/ I don't want you like a best friend/ Only bought this dress so you could take it off/ Take it/ Carve your name into my bedpost/ ’Cause I don't want you like a best friend/ Only bought this dress so you could take it off/ Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me/ Flashback to my mistakes/ My rebounds, my earthquakes/ Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me/ And I woke up just in time/ Now I wake up by your side”

 New Year’s Day

Another super sweet song that doesn’t exactly fit in the canon compliant list, but that I definitely use in my future Catradora headcanon, so I’ll just put in a few lyrics. 

“There's glitter on the floor after the party/.../You and me from the night before, but/ Don’t read the last page/ But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away/ I want your midnights/ But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day”

“But I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we're making mistakes”

“You and me forevermore”

From “Lover”(this album is so sweet fuuuuck)

 Lover

the whole song. just, future catradora. Adora’s pov tho because this is such a dorkish in love song and that bit about “You’ll save all of your dirtiest jokes for me”, Adora saying this to Catra. that’s it

 Paper Rings

future again. this whole album might be just me fantasizing about their future, who knows.

“Cat and mouse for a month or two or three/ Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe/ Darling, you're the one I want, and/ I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this/ Uh huh, that's right/ Darling, you're the one I want/ In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams/ Oh, you're the one I want”

 Death By A Thousand Cuts

I forgot this song and I’m adding it now at the last minute. extremely tired. not gonna paste the song here. but go listen, it’s really fitting for catradora.

“saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts”

Afterglow

this is one I didn’t want to put in here, just because of a few lines specifically, but it made me think of Catra’s apology, so here it goes. (the parts “it’s all in my head” and “It’s all me” that bug me so, but we’ll pretend they don’t exist)

“I pinned your hands behind your back, oh/ Thought I had reason to attack, but no”

“Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves/ Chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there’s no us/ Why'd I have to break what I love so much?/ Sorry that I hurt you/ I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you “

From “Folklore”

OKay, so now that we got here, we’re gonna get a bit creative and take everything with a grain of salt(more than we’ve already been doing) cause I doubt we’re gonna manage to be canon compliant in every one(this includes evermore too, I’m about to go off in these two albums), but everything just oozes catradora, so bear with me. and if you made it this far, damn you’re hot.

The 1

Adora’s pov. before they actually got together.  

“I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit/ Been saying "yes" instead of "no" -> her new life in Brightmoon and all her new good experiences.

“And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow” -> such an Adora thing to say.

“But we were something, don't you think so?/ Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool/ And if my wishes came true/ It would've been you/ In my defense, I have none/ For never leaving well enough alone/ But it would've been fun/ If you would've been the one” -> the longing, the yearning

“And it's another day waking up alone“ -> :( 

“I persist and resist the temptation to ask you/ If one thing had been different/ Would everything be different today?”

Cardigan

Catra’s pov. 

“And when I felt like I was an old cardigan/ Under someone's bed/ You put me on and said I was your favorite”

“A friend to all is a friend to none/ Chase two girls, lose the one/ You drew stars around my scars/ But now I'm bleedin'”

“But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss/ I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs/ The smell of smoke would hang around this long/ 'Cause I knew everything when I was young/ I knew I'd curse you for the longest time/ Chasin' shadows in the grocery line/ I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired/ And you'd be standin' in my front porch light/ And I knew you'd come back to me”

Exile

now rlyyy bear with me. It gets confusing. And big. It's the whole song too.

Bon iver's verse + Swift's chorus is Catra seeing adora move on so quickly and leaving Adora behind. 

Swift's verse + Bon Iver's chorus is Adora's pov. And then they merge in the bridge to air their grievances. I'll demonstrate below.

“I can see you standing, honey/ With his arms around your body/ Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all/ And it took you five whole minutes/ To pack us up and leave me with it/ Holdin' all this love out here in the hall”  +  “I think I've seen this film before/ And I didn't like the ending/ I'm not your problem anymore/ So who am I offending now?/ You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seein' you out/ I think I've seen this film before/ So I'm leaving out the side door = Catra’s pov

“I can see you starin', honey/ Like he's just your understudy/ Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me/ Second, third, and hundredth chances/ Balancin' on breaking branches/ Those eyes add insult to injury”  +  “I think I've seen this film before/ And I didn't like the ending/ You're not my homeland anymore/ So what am I defending now?/ You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out/ I think I've seen this film before = Adora’s pov

and then the bridge with both.(it’s one hell of a giant bridge, not gonna paste it here lol)

My tears ricochet

This one i see as a conversation, one that I'll again exemplify lol.

“And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too/ Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe/ All the hell you gave me?/ 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you/ 'Til my dying day” -> both of them 

“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/ And you're the hero flying around, saving face” ->Catra

“And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> Adora

“Look at how my tears ricochet” -> both

“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/ 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave” -> Adora

“And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> Catra

“Look at how my tears ricochet” -> both

“And I can go anywhere I want/ Anywhere I want, just not home/ And you can aim for my heart, go for blood/ But you would still miss me in your bones/ And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky)/ And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)” -> both

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> both

“You turned into your worst fears/ And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain” - > Adora

“Crossing out the good years” ->both.

I could honestly make a whole post about this song and Catradora, dissecting lyric by lyric, I even have an animatic for this song thumbnailed, so I’ll jump to the next one before it gets too out of hand. again y’all can ask me anytime if you want to know more.

Mirrorball

Adora and her self sacrificial bs and not being rly her so she can be what everyone expects *from* her. Make me cry more, why don’t you!

“I'm a mirrorball/ I'll show you every version of yourself tonight/ I'll get you out on the floor/ Shimmering beautiful/ And when I break, it's in a million pieces”

“Hush, when no one is around, my dear/ You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes/ Spinning in my highest heels, love/ Shining just for you”

“Hush, I know they said the end is near/ I can change everything about me to fit in/ I'm still on that tightrope/ I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me/ And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why/ I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try/ I'm still on that trapeze/ I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me”

Seven

Baby Adora to baby Catra. 

“And I've been meaning to tell you/ I think your house is haunted/ Your dad is always mad and that must be why/ And I think you should come live with me/ And we can be pirates/ Then you won't have to cry/ Or hide in the closet/ And just like a folk song/ Our love will be passed on”

August

older teen/adult Catra reminiscing about younger teen Catra dealing with her love for Adora. Probably the last August before Adora joined the rebellion. (ignoring the love triangle ofc)

“But I can see us lost in the memory/ August slipped away into a moment in time/ 'Cause it was never mine/ And I can see us twisted in bedsheets/ August sipped away like a bottle of wine/ 'Cause you were never mine”

“I remember thinkin' I had you/ Back when we were still changin' for the better/ Wanting was enough/ For me, it was enough/ To live for the hope of it all/ Cancel plans just in case you'd call/ And say, "Meet me behind the mall"/ So much for summer love and saying "us"/ 'Cause you weren't mine to lose”

This is me trying

Catra's pov/redemption

“I've been having a hard time adjusting/ I didn't know if you'd care if I came back/ I have a lot of regrets about that/ Pulled the car off the road to the lookout/ Could've followed my fears all the way down/ And maybe I don't quite know what to say/ But I'm here in your doorway/ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying/ And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound/ It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you/ You're a flashback in a film reel”

Illicit affairs

Just leaving it out here cause it is so gayyy. And I'll prob write an au for this once I'm through with my five thousand WIPs.

Invisible string

Just the feeling of the song, not exactly catradora specific. More generic.

“Time, curious time/ Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs/ Were there clues I didn't see?/ And isn't it just so pretty to think/ All along there was some/ Invisible string/ Tying you to me?/  Time, mystical time/ Cutting me open, then healing me fine”

Mad woman

Catra's pov S1

“Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy/ What about that?/ And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry/ And there's nothing like a mad woman/ What a shame she went mad/ No one likes a mad woman/ You made her like that/ And you'll poke that bear 'til her claws come out”

Epiphany 

Adora dying in catra's arms and dreaming about her future with catra. 

“"Sir, I think he's bleeding out"/ And some things you just can't speak about/ With you I serve, with you I fall down, down/ Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out, out/ Only twenty minutes to sleep/ But you dream of some epiphany/ Just one single glimpse of relief/ To make some sense of what you've seen”

Betty

Another case of a song with STRONG catradora vibe, but too au- ish. The imagery of the song is too clear. Still, these parts here… 

“The worst thing that I ever did/ Was what I did to you/ I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything/ But I know I miss you/ Yeah, I showed up at your party/ Will you have me? Will you love me?/ Will you kiss me on the porch/ In front of all your stupid friends”

Peace

adora's pov. I think is Adora kinda warning Catra that she can’t promise to stop saving the world, she can’t stop being she-ra, it is who she is and danger is going to follow her, so, is it enough if she can never give Catra peace?

“I never had the courage of my convictions/ As long as danger is near/ And it's just around the corner, darlin'/ 'Cause it lives in me/ No, I could never give you peace”

“All these people think love's for show/ But I would die for you in secret”

“The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me/ Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?”

From "evermore"(FUCKING FINALLY and everything is going to be au-ish I guess)

Champagne problems

Adora's pov, but i resent this cause THEIR PROBLEMS ARE NOT CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS OKAY? but nevertheless, It’s adora leaving Catra behind and breaking my heart in the fucking process.

“You booked the night train for a reason/ So you could sit there in this hurt”

“Because I dropped your hand while dancing/ Left you out there standing/ Crestfallen on the landing/.../ Your heart was glass, I dropped it”

“You had a speech, you're speechless/ Love slipped beyond your reaches/ And I couldn't give a reason”

How evergreen, our group of friends/ Don't think we'll say that word again/.../ I never was ready so I watch you go/ Sometimes you just don't know the answer/ 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you”

Gold rush

Catra's pov pining over Adora before and after she became She-ra, but especially after with the bit “I don’t like that everyone would die to feel your touch”. After all the pining and imagining what a perfect relationship they could have she wakes up to reality and sees that “it could never be”, “It will never be”. 

“Gleaming, twinkling/ Eyes like sinking ships on waters/ So inviting, I almost jump in”

“I don't like anticipatin' my face in a red flush/ I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch/ Everybody wants you/ Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you”

“What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?/ With your hair falling into place like dominoes”

“At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit/ And the coastal town we wandered 'round had nеver seen a love as pure as it” 

“My mind turns your life into folklore/ I can't dare to dream about you anymore”

“'Cause it will never be”

‘Tis the damn season

Adora’s pov. Adora being the one who left because she has to, but she misses Catra and their old times together. However, she knows she won’t be able to stay so she’s asking for this weekend and breaking her own heart in the process.

“There's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me/ But if it's all the same to you/ It's the same to me”

“So we could call it even/ You could call me "babe" for the weekend/ ​'Tis the damn season, write this down/ And the road not taken looks real good now/ And it always leads to you and my hometown”

“You can run, but only so far/ I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave/ But if it's okay with you, it's okay with me/ Sleep in half the day just for old times' sake/ I won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay/ So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends/ And wonder about the only soul/ Who can tell which smiles I'm fakin'”

“And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own/ To leave the warmest bed I've ever known/ We could call it even/ Even though I'm leaving/ And I'll be yours for the weekend”

Tolerate it

Catra’s pov and how she thinks Adora feels towards her. How she only tolerated Catra until something bigger, better and shinier came along and she abandoned her.(what to expect from a track five, huh?)

“While you were out building other worlds, where was I?/ Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?/ I made you my temple, my mural, my sky/Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life/ Drawing hearts in the byline/ Always taking up too much space or time”

“You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I/ Break free and leave us in ruins/ Took this dagger in me and removed it/ Gain the weight of you then lose it/ Believe me, I could do it”

“If it's all in my head tell me now/ Tell me I've got it wrong somehow/ I know my love should be celebrated/ But you tolerate it”

Happiness

adora’s pov. I feel this is Adora letting Catra go after season 3. just, she loves Catra and there were many great moments because of her, but that doesn’t mean the hurt isn’t there now. also doesn’t mean she’ll be forever miserable, proved by her new life in Brightmoon. It’s her realizing that Catra is actually hurting her, and being angry and then letting go.(god this reminds me of a fanfic where catra stated that she was happy without Adora, could be happy without Adora. But with her, she could be happier)

“There'll be happiness after you/ But there was happiness because of you/ Both of these things can be true/ Past the blood and bruise/ Past the curses and cries/ Beyond the terror in the nightfall/ Haunted by the look in my eyes/ That would've loved you for a lifetime/ Leave it all behind/ And there is happiness”

“Tell me, when did your winning smile/ Begin to look like a smirk?/ When did all our lessons start to look like weapons/ Pointed at my deepest hurt?”

“I can't make it go away by making you a villain/ I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven/ And I pulled your body into mine/ Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties/ No one teaches you what to do/ When a good man hurts you/ And you know you hurt him, too” -> this whole bridge, man. THIS RIGHT HERE. They both hurt each other, there’s no simple clean cut way to look at things, to make Catra the big bad villain. but that also doesn’t erase the pain felt, so argh, this kills me.

“All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness/ You haven't met the new me yet/ And I think she'll give you that” -> and this little hint of hope.

Dorothea(i swear, i will write a Dorothea/tis the damn season au)

Adora is dorothea and this is Catra’s pov

“Hey, Dorothea, do you ever stop and think about me?/ When we were younger down in the park/ Honey, making a lark of the misery”

“You got shiny friends since you left town/ A tiny screen's the only place I see you now”

“It's never too late to come back to my side/ The stars in your eyes shined brighter in Tupelo/ And if you're ever tired of bеing known for who you know/ You know that you'll always know me, Dorothea (Uh-uh)/Dorothea”

coney island

again, both povs. one to each other, illustrated below.

“Did I close my fist around something delicate?/ Did I shatter you?/ And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island/ Wondering where did my baby go?/ The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go/ Sorry for not making you my centerfold” -> adora

“Over and over/ Lost again with no surprises/ Disappointments, close your eyes/ And it gets colder and colder/ When the sun goes down” -> both

“The question pounds my head/ What's a lifetime of achievement/ If I pushed you to the edge?” -> catra

“Were you waiting at our old spot/ In the tree line/ By the gold clock/ Did I leave you hanging every single day?” -> adora

“Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey?” -> Catra

“And when I got into the accident/ The sight that flashed before me was your face” -> Adora

“Sorry for not making you my centerfold” -both

Ivy (hold on tight, this is big)

this is a good one.

“How's one to know?/ I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones/ In a faith forgotten land/ In from the snow/ Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow/ Tarnished but so grand”

“And the old widow goes to the stone every day/ But I don't, I just sit here and wait/ Grieving for the living”

“Oh, goddamn/ My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand/ Taking mine, but it's been promised to another/ Oh, I can't/ Stop you putting roots in my dreamland/ My house of stone, your ivy grows/ And now I'm covered in you so” ->  for me, this is Adora in the moments preceding the failsafe and the Heart of Etheria, and the person she’s committed to is She-ra(and dying as she-ra). And she’s trying to fight and be strong to make the sacrifice she knows she’ll be asked to, but she simply can’t stop Catra from “putting roots in her dreamland”. Catra’s touch enlightened her, even though tarnished by their years of being enemies, it felt grand and it could chase the pain away; just for a moment, all her pain fit in Catra’s hand. But, she grieves for this touch for she knows it’s only a dream. Even though she’s now “covered” in Catra, she’ll never be able to fully have her, not when she’s so committed to She-ra.

“I wish to know/ The fatal flaw that makes you long to be/ Magnificently cursed/ He's in the room/ Your opal eyes are all I wish to see/ He wants what's only yours” -> now here she’s in the heart of etheria and wondering why would Catra want her so much when she knows she can’t have her, when she knows she’s doomed. the He in this is Horde Prime. As we see in the “future hallucination”, all she wants is Catra and he wants(to destroy ofc) what’s Catra’s only - herself.

“How's one to know?/ I'd live and die for moments that we stole/On begged and borrowed time/ So tell me to run/ Or dare to sit and watch what we'll become -> Adora know it’s only borrowed time, it will end and she feels like there’s nothing she can do about that.

“So yeah, it's a fire/ It's a goddamn blaze in the dark/ And you started it/ You started it/ So yeah, it's a war/ It's the goddamn fight of my life/ And you started it/ You started it” -> here Adora is finally fighting back against Destiny, Prime, The Heart… and it’s all because Catra started it just by loving Adora, covering her in her ivy and making Adora so unable to not love her back.

(can you tell this is one of my favorite songs in the album?)

long story short

honestly, post-war catradora. Adora’s pov.

“Fatefully/ I tried to pick my battles 'til the battle picked me/ Misery/ Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep/ And you passed right by/ I was in the alley, surrounded on all sides/ The knife cuts both ways/ If the shoe fits, walk in it 'til your high heels break”

“When I dropped my sword/ I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door/ And we live in peace/ But if someone comes at us, this time, I'm ready/ No more keepin' score/ Now I just keep you warm (Keep you warm)/ No more tug of war Now I just know there's more”

“And I fell from the pedestal/ Right down the rabbit hole/ Long story short, it was a bad time/ Pushed from the precipice/ Climbed right back up the cliff/ Long story short, I survived”

closure

catra to adora pre season 5

“it's been a long time/ And seeing the shape of your name/ Still spells out pain/ It wasn't right/ The way it all went down/ Looks like you know that now”

“Yes, I got your letter/ Yes, I'm doing better/ It cut deep to know ya, right to the bone/ I know that it's over, I don't need your/ Closure, your closure”

“Don't treat me like/ Some situation that needs to be handled/ I'm fine with my spite/ I know I'm just a wrinkle in your new life/ Staying friends would iron it out so nice/ Guilty, guilty, reaching out across the sea/ That you put between you and me/ But it's fake and it's oh so unnecessary”

Evermore

just the message in general i think fits season 5 catradora very well. how, yeah, the pain sucks and it’s terrible but it won’t be for evermore. Justin’s bridge exemplify very well just the desperation of being in the middle of this whirlwind of pain, begging for a pause just to see if there’s any way to be recovered from that. it just so happens, there is. 

no exemples in this one, the vibe of speaks for itself and I’m rly tired right now.

...

oof, so there was it. Hope you liked it! show me some love cause this took a while lol(but a got my TS marathon done without feeling guilty, because at least… content? so there’s that). if you made it this far, THANK YOU!! stream evermore and good night y’all(or morning or afternoon, wtv works for your timezone lol) 

[erekiosuncreativeideas]

Being Human - Chapter 19

<= Chapter 18

Summary : The group goes back to Subcon... And discovers a terrible sight. Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826561/chapters/71797488

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HELLO GUYS, NEW CHAPTER, WOOHOOOO

I'm so so so sorry for the delay. I've had quite the writer block, and uh my mental health wasn't so great either (it still isn't but my meds are working better)... Now I'm feeling better, and I finally managed to finish that chapter I've been stuck on for a while. I hope you'll like it !

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments, they bring such joy to me, you have no idea. Thank you so much. I know I take some time replying to them, but I do read them as soon as I receive them. They really mean a lot to me.

Anyway... Happy reading, I hope you'll like this chapter ! I tried putting more descriptions, hopefully this improved my writing style !

The “Oh The Humanity” AU belongs to @doodledrawsthings​​ !

Happy reading !

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Chapter 19 - “Send me back there!”  

Snatcher didn’t want to believe it. It was the materialization of his nightmares, of all he had started to fear the very instant he was back in his old body- This couldn’t be happening, no, not this way!

And yet, here it was, right in front of his eyes. The moment he saw that white stain slowly progressing through his territory, his heart had stopped beating, the air got stuck in his throat… And it was like a bucket of icy water had been thrown on his now trembling shoulders. He was not ready for any of this to happen.

This was the worst-case scenario.

Suddenly, memories of what had become of Subcon after he managed to flee the manor came back to him, blinding him from how intense they were. Visions of frozen corpses, dwellers stuck into ice forever and killed for a second time, all souls drained away from a village that was once so full of life, a wave of cold and death transforming Subcon Village and Subcon Forest into forgotten places, devastated places.

And now, his minions and other dwellers were in danger again, at the mercy of what was left of a crazy Queen- one he hadn’t had the courage to kill when he could have done so. Fear had always paralyzed him, the thought of facing Her again, after all these years, after everything that had happened, after everything he had been forced to go through… He couldn’t, he just couldn’t imagine that!

But despite this… Snatcher still had a kingdom to save- his kingdom and all of its undead inhabitants. And so, without hesitation but still with a deadly pale face, the man turned to the little girls, an expression of panic clearly visible on his features:

-“Send me back there!” he yelled at them, urging them to help him to save Subcon. Without thinking much either, the kids nodded with determination and dashed into different directions, most likely to bring weapons and such with them. The bow-wearing child ran to the machine room while the hatted brat ran to her bedroom. The young man glanced back at Moonjumper next to him, whose eyes were still fixed on the white stains representative of Vanessa’s intrusion in Subcon.

-“Hey!” he called out to his counterpart -this wasn’t the time to be stuck in thoughts!-, quickly catching the other’s attention. Soon, two very panicked eyes settled on him, and Snatcher couldn’t really blame him.

He was rather terrified, himself.

-“Can you fight?” he asked the one who had stolen his corpse, despite already knowing the answer. He had witnessed the corpse’s powers and how devastating they could be- Moonjumper had even destroyed some part of his forest at some point! But still… He had to make sure. Against a strong and unpredictable opponent such as Vanessa, they couldn’t allow themselves to take any risks… And anyone ready to fight her was more than welcome.

Unsurprisingly, the corpse paled even more than what he already was, his eyes widening in terror and his mouth gaping as he struggled to find an answer. But then again… The young man was scared to death too. Ha.

Not the time for puns.

-“I…” Moonjumper gulped down saliva he didn’t even need, looking away : “Yes,” he answered, his tone trembling and hesitant : “Yes, I… I can.”

-“Will you?” wondered Snatcher with a lower tone, directly addressing how scared the corpse seemed to be at the idea of facing Vanessa. He… Was giving him a choice, sort of. He knew the time was not for choices, but… He knew what it was like to be pushed into fighting when one wasn’t ready for it. It was exactly what his counterpart had done when it came to relearning how to summon his fire.

And Snatcher didn’t want to do that himself.

Moonjumper seemed to catch this and guilt crossed his features, frowning as he looked away once more. Eventually, not saying another word… Moonjumper nodded. Fear was still very much visible on his face and from his body language… But he seemed more determined than before, as if Snatcher’s questions had made him realize something.

-“This is my home too,” said the other, gravely: “I’ll do what it takes to protect it. You can count on me.”

The young man nodded, a wave of relief hitting him. The thought of facing Vanessa was not an easy one… But knowing he wouldn’t be alone made the whole thing less… Unbearable, somehow. At least, they had more chances than if he had gone there alone.

Just as he finished this train of thoughts, the little girls came back running, both carrying things with them. The hatted brat was the first one to reach them, holding her own blue umbrella and the other’s pink umbrella… As well as a baseball bat, which she handed to him.

-“You’ll need this,” she told him. He was about to refuse… But he interrupted himself: she was right. His powers were too weak to be used in a fight. Sure, he could summon little flames, but this was hardly anything compared to the Queen’s blizzard. No, if they wanted to have a chance to fight her… They’d have to use their brains and physical weapons. While magic wasn’t completely out of the line thanks to Moonjumper… He knew what Vanessa was capable of, and didn’t want to take any risks. And so… He took the baseball bat, holding it in front of him. It was… Rather heavy, but in a way… That only reminded him of his old sword training. Sure, it had been quite a long time since then, but… Perhaps it would be similar.

At the same moment, the bow-wearing kid stopped to them, holding in her arms… The Time Piece? What did she want to do with it ?

The little girl seemed to catch the question in his expression and lifted the powerful hourglass as she spoke:

-“We didn’t have the time to modify it,” she explained, her expression serious: “but it might be useful to us if we ever get in trouble. Hat and I will use it in that case.”

Snatcher nodded and once more asked the brats to teleport them down there. And, in the click of a button… It was done. Of course, the previous Prince felt terrible from the teleportation, his stomach threatening to make him throw up… But he didn’t have the time to worry about that. When he was finally able to look around him, what he saw turned his blood to ice.

The group had appeared in the swamp area… But it barely looked like it anymore. The swamp had been completely frozen, hands coming out of the surface, turned into immobile ice statues. The trees had lost all of their purple hues, looking white from the snow and ice that had now covered everything. It was hard to tell the difference between the ground and the frozen swamp, but for the members of the group, this wasn’t impossible. They knew the forest quite well, after all, especially Snatcher. Still, the sight that was in front of them was terrifying. It was snowing, a lot of flakes falling and making it hard to see what was far away. Furthermore, it was cold, very cold… And the three humans couldn’t help but shiver from how low the temperature was.

But it wasn’t like they had had the time to prepare for such a situation.

-“Where are the subconites? What about the dwellers?” asked the bow-wearing kid, horrified by what she was seeing. Snatcher couldn’t blame her: he was, too.

-“Hiding, or…” Or frozen to death. Again. He didn’t finish his sentence, and no one insisted. The rest was just painfully obvious.

The man tightened his grip on the baseball bat. His old self would have never even thought of hurting Vanessa in any way, especially physical- but things had changed. A kingdom had been lost. People had been killed. Children had been murdered.

Things were much, much more different now.

-“Let’s go,” he murmured darkly, his voice barely audible through the wind and snow… But it seemed enough, and the group started to walk, careful of where they put their feet. Who knew what could be hiding below the snow…

-“Should we split ?” asked the hatted brat, glancing at her contractual BFF: “We don’t know where she is, or what she’s planning to do…”

The former spirit wanted to tell her this was a bad idea, considering the strengths and powers of their enemy… But he couldn’t find any good alternative. He knew she was right, the Forest was big enough for her to be anywhere. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack… Considering their lack of time, they needed to be quick to find her and neutralize her, in whatever way they could, temporarily… Or permanently.

-“Fine,” he agreed reluctantly: “We’ll have more chances on finding her that way.”

-“Are you sure?” asked Moonjumper, visibly against that idea: “We know what she’s capable of. If we split up, we need a way to alert the other group if something goes wrong.”

The corpse had a point, and the group thought for a moment. But soon enough, the face of the bow-wearing child lightened up, as if she just had a revelation. She lifted her umbrella as she opened her mouth, decided to explain her idea:

-“What if we used our projectile badges?” she offered, pulling a badge out of the pocket of her jacket, before replacing one of those already in place on her weapon: “If something happens, we can give the other group a signal. That way, we’ll know if one group found her, or needs help.”

The entire team nodded, and Snatcher was rather surprised: this… Was a very good idea, actually. But…

-“So that means you won’t be together, then,” pointed out Moonjumper before he was able to, gesturing at the two: “That… Reassures me, in a way,” he admitted, looking away: “I don’t like the idea of you two going out alone and risking to fight her. She’s stronger than she looks.”

It was easy to see that his contractual friend wasn’t happy with his words, but she held her tongue. She was probably remembering their trip to the manor, and how scared they had been. Here again, he couldn’t blame them. Vanessa was terrifying after all.

-“Yeah,” she eventually sighed, though it was easy to say she was trying her best not to show arrogance or imprudence. The situation was too serious for that. However, she thought for a moment, before glancing back to the previous Prince:

-“Bow should go with you,” she suddenly told him, lost in thoughts.

-“Why?” he retorted, a bit lost. To be completely honest, he had expected her to go with him, considering there had always been some kind of rival complicity between them. So, it was safe to say he was a little surprised by her suggestion.

-“Bow has the Time Piece with her,” she replied, gesturing to her friend, who soon elaborated on that point:

-“It’s the best defense we have,” she explained, lifting the Hourglass as she spoke: “If something happens to one of us, I can rewind time and change the course of events.”

Snatcher had no problem figuring out what the two children had really meant, and he narrowed his eyes in response. Now that he was a human, unable to use his magic except for summoning a small flame, he was pretty much harmless against Vanessa, even with a baseball bat. This was their nice way of saying “you can’t fight so this will help you to stay alive”, and this honestly infuriated him. He was not useless, he was not weak!

… But as much as he wanted to argue, Subcon was still very much in danger, and they already lost so much time deciding of their plan. There was no time for bickering when half of the Forest had already been frozen, from what they had been able to see so far. Maybe more, now.

-“Okay, fine,” he grunted, before gesturing to where his home was. There was a possibility Vanessa was looking for him there, so this would most likely be the first strategic place to invest : “We’ll check my tree first, then the Subcon ruins. As for you, check the Subcon Well and the village. If you see anyone, tell them to hide until we get rid of that… Infestation,” he spat.

-“Very well,” answered Moonjumper, nodding with determination. The hatted brat imitated him, and wished them luck. The duo then got to work, leaving them to go search for any clue leading them to Vanessa. It was hard to find her in all this snow, in this blizzard… And it was so cold, it was hard to focus.

The bow-wearing kid was the one to pull him out of his thoughts, patting him on the side. The contact immediately brought him back to reality.

-“Let’s go,” she offered, decided to find their enemy despite the unnatural icy cold of the Forest. Snatcher merely nodded in response and the two of them left to explore the places they had in mind. It was, however… Much harder than they had first thought, and especially what Snatcher had had in mind. First, he had had to come to the fact that a large part of his kingdom had been affected by now. The snow was deep, showing it had been snowing a lot for a while now. The places were desert. His home had been entirely covered in snow, the furniture barely noticeable under the thick layer of flakes. No matter how much they looked around them, they couldn’t discern any suspicious silhouette in their surroundings, and they couldn’t hear anything either. All they could perceive was the sound of their own footsteps in the snow, which was crackling under their shoes. Snatcher’s feet were wet, his sneakers not adapted to this type of weather at all. The little girl accompanying him seemed to be fine in that regard, though she was holding the Time Piece against her, probably because she was cold. Well, he was too.

-“You seeing anything?” he asked her, narrowing his eyes as he tried to see what was in front of them, the falling snow making it hard to detect anything at all.

-“No,” she admitted, her teeth chattering as she held the magical Hourglass closer: “I don’t think we’ll find her here.”

The former ghost frowned, but nodded nonetheless. He had been so sure they would find her there… After all, if she wanted to find him, wouldn’t it make sense to check his home first ? Then again, the place was already covered in snow which, when he thought about it… Showed that she had already been there before. And now, there was no sign of the Ice Queen there. Plus… Did she really know who he became after his death? Why his corpse had disappeared from the cellar? Did she put two and two and figured out the other ghost haunting the forest was the Prince she had murdered? She was so unstable… It was hard to figure out what she was thinking.

The new team moved in direction of the Subcon ruins. Just like his home, the landscape had been more than affected by Vanessa’s passage. The buildings were all covered in snow, now deeper than ever. Maybe she had been there before, but it wasn’t the case anymore. The place was deserted. Sure, Subcon Forest had become quite the deserted place after Vanessa’s outburst, but this was a whole new level. There weren’t any spiders, any subconites, any dwellers… Any lifeform, whether alive or undead, had left this place.

They were the only ones near the Ruins, he was sure of it. A sneeze forced his mind back to reality, his body contorting as he expulsed the air out of his lungs. Ugh… It was getting very, very cold, and Snatcher couldn’t feel his feet or his fingers anymore. His body hurt, like a burn, but in a whole, new different way.

Something that only reminded him of terrible memories.

He glanced to the kid next to him, who had stepped away to search around the Ruins. Her face was getting… A bit blue, and she was definitely trembling. Now Snatcher was not an expert in human health or their abilities in surviving in extreme conditions, but he had seen enough as a ghost to know it was bad. And as a human… Well, he had had the opportunity to find out through real experiences.

-“Kiddo ?” he called out to her, only to find out his voice was rasp from the cold. His throat hurt, the icy air burning his throat and his lungs. They needed to find Vanessa, and quick… Otherwise, they’d turn into ice cubes before getting the chance to fight her. And, more seriously, they needed to find her while they were still able to move and fight. Otherwise… Well, being too cold to move would just make the fight even more unbalanced than it already was.

The bow-wearing child lifted her head at his call, having found nothing of interest either. She came back to him, some ice hanging from her nose. Heck, they really needed to find something, anything!

-“You okay?” he asked, without any hint of sarcasm or mockery this time. The situation was too serious for that.

-“Yeah,” she answered, probably lying: “You?” she asked back, worry clearly visible on her face.

-“I’m fine,” he lied too, though it was not really out of worry for her, but more about preserving what was left of his pride. He was not weak, he could do this, no, he had to!

-“I wonder if they found something…” added the little girl, rubbing her hands together as she looked around them, hoping to find a sign. But nothing came: “Where should we look, now?” she asked expectantly, though he could see that she was definitely tensed. Who knew how long they’d be able to stay and continue their search with such low temperatures…

Snatcher still took the time to think about her question. If he ever chose the wrong place again, then… Then they might be too cold to be able to fight, should they find her after that. They could look around the bridge, but this wouldn’t make much sense. Why would Vanessa go back ? No, she couldn’t possibly be there, and she apparently wasn’t where the other two we-

However, before he was able to finish that train of thought… A loud sound echoed around them, making the ground shake a little. Snatcher’s heart missed a bit for a second, and he looked around him, panicked. Was it Her? Was she there, ready to attack them? What else could it- His thoughts fell silent as he noticed the little girl pointing at the sky. Careful, slowly, his eyes followed her arm, then her hand, then her pointing finger… Until he noticed a large white beam illuminating the whole Forest like a new Sun, before slowly disappearing as if it had never been there in the first place.

Silence fell between the two as they had to process this terrible realization.

The hatted brat and Moonjumper had used the signal, they were in trouble, they needed help… But this wasn’t all it meant, no… Far from it.

This also meant they had found Vanessa.

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Oh boy, another cliffhanger :)c I sure wonder what's going to happen... Thank you so much for your patience and your support, it means a lot to me. "Being Human" now has more views than "Reliving An Old Nightmare", and it's really an accomplishment for me, as it means I'm getting better at writing stories. Thank you for helping me improve, really.

See you guys on the next chapter ! Stay safe everyone !

=> Chapter 20

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

Friendship Dissolutions; A Lesson in Asshole Trauma Reactions

So this is normally my school day, but I’m feeling the need to dig into something else this morning. The past events of this weekend, annnnd the past nearly two years. Because, if you  hadn’t heard, relationships are hard and I like to embarrass myself by telling you about all my fuck ups.

You know, romantic relationships are a disaster for yours truly, but I always thought I was pretty good at the friendship thing. Since high school I’ve almost always had robust friendly relationships - both in depth and breadth. With the exception of a few difficult points in my life since 16, my phone has never been quiet, my weekends have only been isolating when I’ve been isolating myself, and I’ve always felt like I had humans on my side who were closer to kin than my actual family.

The thing is, there have been periods when this hasn’t been the case. I want to say that it’s generally when I’m in my worst mental health downfalls, but I don’t think that’s universally true. There have been variable reasons for separating myself from other people, or vice versa. Sometimes getting too busy, sometimes naturally growing apart, sometimes getting too obsessed with a romantic partner.

But, taking a more analytical view, underlying my lost friendship events, trauma has often been one of the influences that corrupted my friendships and left me lonely, even if it doesn’t seem like it at face value. The thing is, the trail of breadcrumbs might go back 20 years or so. I might not have been in a full-blown trauma state at the time, but those early life non-learnings about relationships have left their mark. So, yes, I do believe that CPTSD is the prerequisite for interpersonal disruptions and we’re not alone in that.

Anyways, in this Fucker’s life, for the past almost 2 years I’ve been in one of those friendship lulls. I’ve had casual friends, roommates, work-associates, distant relationships, some of those hey-how’s-it-going-every-two-months relations. But I haven’t had those deep, rich, all-encompassing friendships that used to define my existence. The ones that used to make me feel safe enough to have an existence, at all.

It’s all because I lost my core group of friends, I didn’t understand and couldn’t fix the problem, and I had no idea how to move forward.

And this last time when I lost everyone I loved, it was definitely due to trauma. Acute, historical, and recovering trauma, to be specific. It was a horrible period of my life, I was a human wrecking ball, and I had no emotional control… because, partially thanks to said friends, I never had to develop those skills.

Basically, I’ve been on my own since a whole series of mental health related isolation events and relationships dissolutions that have persisted since - I want to say 2019 - but to be more holistic, the ship started sailing earlier than that. Like, when I was born.

This has all come to mind more than usual because, this weekend? I had a strange rush of humans back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I saw my best, closest, most important old friends, who were closer to siblings…. In our natural habitat, with our normal friendship routines, with hundreds of memories from the past decade flying around the room.

And today… or, realistically, since I tried to go to sleep after seeing them each day this weekend… I have the relationship reckoning to deal with. The emotional and cognitive processing of everything that’s happened. The lost years. The sense of abandonment. The feeling of being cast out of a family. The inkling that everyone was talking about me. The realization that I was acting a fool, and maybe they should be talking about me. The sense that all parties were partially responsible, but I was the one to blame. The voice in my head that has called me a crazy, miserable, unlovable mess the entire time I debated this at 6am and 6pm and 3am for the past several years.

And now, in the aftermath, I have to work through the dynamic cocktail of feelings, the sense of waiting for the other shoe, and the big decision - are these relationships that I feel secure pursuing again?

And I don’t think I’m alone in this one.

So, today I thought it would be good to talk about this. The history of losing my favorite people on the planet, how I perceived it at the time, how I see my own trauma-actions fucking shit up in hindsight, how I’ve forgiven myself for being such a wild one, and… well… my hesitancy to have close friendships with humans who hurt me in the past. The ways I realized that being separate was beneficial to my mental health and life progress. The self-sabotaging enablement patterns that I now recognize, ran deep, in our old group of friends. The fear that being around them again will let my trauma brain run away with me.

Woo - it’s a whole personal relationship reckoning over here. Let’s just do this, so I can get to my school work at some point soon.

History

So let me set up this situation. You need the background details, of which, there are many dramatic twists and turns.

Be me, Spring of 2019. My romantic relationship with my ex in Atlanta - the musical narcissist that I followed to the city - is going terribly. Since we moved things have been rocky, but now our relationship has been pumped full of disappointment, unfair expectations, emotional codependency, resentment, horrific fighting, and abuse of all colors. Every day is a battle. We’re rarely ever “happy” together. We’re closer to enemies than friends. And we live under the same roof - the one his parents bought for him, outright in cash - to make matters even more fun.

Other than him, I’m alone in this city. I work at the brewery, where no one really likes me. I have one friend from work, but little time to interact thanks to the demanding schedule of my ex with his gigs and out-of-state child visitation.

Financially, my savings have been depleted by floating my significant other’s horrible decisions for the past 2 years. We can never get ahead. He never pays me back for anything. I’m basically in his pocket, as far as needing resources to survive.

As you can imagine, and as I’ve described previously, my mental health is in THE SHITTER. Maybe worse than it’s ever been, although this is hard to judge against some of my earlier years in my 20’s. I’m definitely ramped up in an aggressive and defensive trauma state more than ever before, thanks to living with my aggressor every day. I feel like I’m surviving against the will of my partner, who seems to legitimately be doing his best to drive me into an early grave every single time the sun rises. He’s moved into the territory of intentionally triggering me for hours on end, upsetting me to the point of mental breakdowns, and then gaslighting me for “acting so crazy.” Things have become dangerous, I have no one to turn to, and no cash to get myself into a better situation… not that I know what a better situation even looks like.

But one day, I left. Packed my two bags, went to work, wound up at that single sort-of-friend’s house, never went back home.

And that’s when the real nightmare started. I mean, my ex was a terror over time as we lived together, but a narcissist scorned is a narcissist determined to ruin your fucking life. He harassed me daily via text, phone call, FB messenger, email, stalkings… whatever you can think of. When I blocked him on everything, he started trying to leverage our therapists against me until they refused to interact anymore. He wouldn’t let me into his house to get my stuff. He tried to have me arrested for attempting to do so, after he made arrangements with me to move that weekend. He suddenly refused to even acknowledge that he owed me a dime, and found a way to tally up venmo transactions to show that I actually owed him. He took my only support - our dog, who was really my dog - away and wouldn’t let me see him. Later, he reported my car stolen, so I had to purchase a new one without warning.

The list goes on and on. Just, assume every pathetic, cruel, desperate attempt at getting under someone’s skin and reminding them that they had the audacity to leave you. That’s what was going on in my world.

Meanwhile, with those financial and social pressures I mentioned earlier. No close friends in the area, no spare cash, an unstable job where I was on the chopping block for the reason of “the CEO didn’t like my personality,” nowhere to live, no idea where to go next or how to start a whole new life.

Annnnnd this is right about when my closely knit friend group back in Illinois sort of, well, dipped.

My bestest, best, most treasured friend in my lifetime had always been there for me. But now, she wasn’t. We had exchanged a handful of phone calls over the past month in the aftermath of this relationship ending, but she had been pretty detached from it. I wasn’t offended, because she had certainly heard enough of the drama in real time… of course she was tired of hearing about it...  but I was feeling especially alone and incapable of handling everything on my own, so the distance was difficult, nevertheless. Then, one day she told me that I was being too much for her. I had too high of expectations. It had been bothering her for a while. She needed me to understand and give her some space.

And this was the completely avoidable beginning of the end of my friendships. Let’s talk about why.

How I perceived it

So, I’m pretty sure you can guess how I took this challenging message from my best friend. Uh, poorly. I was so shocked that in my darkest hour, my comrade would feel like my problems were out of her paygrade. It felt like a stab to the heart and straight down through the gut. Here I was, completely alone and isolated, reaching back to my most trusted companions for a lifeline to keep my head above water, and… nothing. She didn’t want to reel me back into the boat.

I responded with some shitty messages about how I really wasn’t asking that much from her and I didn’t appreciate being blindsided by her sudden decision to get rid of me. I had only taken up a few phone calls to talk things through based on her schedule. I had visited her one weekend as I went to a job interview nearby. I had asked her to come visit me soon, so I could feel less alone for a few days. I didn’t think it was fair that she was responding this way. I couldn’t believe she would turn her back on me at this particular moment.

And so, the rift developed. We stopped speaking. I started sobbing. I was absolutely beside myself, as if I hadn’t already been. This wasn’t what I wanted, at all, but I also felt like I had no control in it.

.......

Like it? Well I’m too lazy to post the whole thing here. Check t-mfrs.com for the full blog AND the podcast recorded version. Yawelcome. 

www.t-mfrs.com 

(Traumatized Motherfuckers)

[unfolded73]

Husbands: Two Years In (5/5) - schitt’s creek ff

Here it is, the final chapter!  There's nothing I can say that can get across how touched I've been by the comments on this fic. The number of people who have shared things about their own struggles with mental health -- I'm not worthy of it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

While I'm including this fic as part of the "Labels" series, the preceding fics are not required reading. Previous fics in this series: Boyfriends; “I Love You”, Partners, Fiancés

Warning: This fic deals with depression as one of its major topics.

Rated Explicit, this chapter 4718 words. (ao3)

Thanks to @high-seas-swan for cheerleading and B13_MaybeThisTime for many valuable comments (and also cheerleading).

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 5: Winter

“So how was your week?” Jessica asked.

Patrick always felt like he should plan before therapy what he was going to talk about, but he never remembered to do that.

“It was a little crazy. The holidays at the store always are, although it’s very lucrative. The money we make in December will carry us through at least half of the upcoming year,” he said, pinching the webbing on one hand between his thumb and forefinger of the other.

“And did you feel more equipped to handle that? The busy store, and all your responsibilities around that? Especially with Christmas a few days away?”

Patrick shrugged, feeling obstinate. “I don’t know.”

Jessica let a silence settle, waiting for him to talk. Patrick hated this part; it made him feel like he was failing at therapy when he didn’t know how to fill that silence. What the right answer was. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the sofa cushions, calling her bluff.

Finally, she relented and spoke, and Patrick felt like he’d won a round of whatever game they were playing. “You’ve never said much in here about your sexual orientation other than to talk about your husband and to say that things with your family are good. Was it always that way?”

Patrick tried not to roll his eyes. He knew this would be coming eventually. He’d been avoiding the subject of Rachel or his coming out process because he knew it would be something Jessica would fixate on. “I’m not depressed because of being gay, or… or anything to do with that. I love being gay.”

She smiled genuinely. “I’m glad. But humor me.”

“My parents always accepted me,” he said quickly, but that felt like a lie even though it was technically true.

“How old were you when you came out?” Jessica asked.

Patrick let out a frustrated sigh, seeing no way to avoid the truth now. “I was… I was in denial about being gay for a long time.” Might as well get it all out, he thought. “When I was twenty-nine I broke off an engagement to my high school sweetheart — who was a woman — and moved away from my hometown. Pretty soon after that, I realized I was gay.”

“That must’ve been hard,” Jessica said.

“Yeah, but once I got through it and… and got together with David, I’d never been happier.”

He couldn’t help but see the smile she gave him in response to that as patronizing. “New love can flood the body with so many good chemicals that it swamps out all of the bad ones.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes. “Are you saying I wasn’t happy?”

“No, I’m saying that the way you’ve framed things in some of our past sessions — that you were depressed before you moved here, and then you weren’t, and now for some reason you’re depressed again… that may not be the right way to frame it. Do you think perhaps it puts a lot of pressure on David as the source of your happiness?”

“I don’t put pressure on David,” Patrick protested.

“Is it possible that you put pressure on yourself, then? When it comes to your relationship with David and its importance in your life?” Jessica asked.

Patrick huffed and didn’t answer. Now she was contradicting herself from one sentence to the next.

“When did you come out to your family?” she asked.

“That isn’t why I’m depressed either,” he said.

Jessica sighed like he was finally challenging her constant state of serene acceptance. “Untangling the web of depression isn’t straightforward. It might be helpful to pull on different threads and see what they’re connected to. Okay?”

Patrick supposed that made sense. “Okay.” Then after another pause, he admitted, “It took me a while to come out to my parents.”

“Why is that?”

He stared at Jessica’s bookshelf for several seconds, his eyes running over the titles without reading them. “I worried that my parents wouldn’t be okay with it. They didn’t talk about gay people when I was a kid, really. Or when they did, they made it sound like a sad thing that we needed to tolerate because it wasn’t a choice. You know, that brand of ‘tolerance’ that is just that and nothing more.”

She shot him a sympathetic look. “It’s understandable why you were hesitant to come out to them.”

“But they were great about it. It wasn’t long after coming out to them that I asked David to marry me, and they were great. They love him, and all my worries were unfounded,” he said, trying to figure out why tears were threatening to spill over.

Jessica took a few seconds to rearrange herself, setting her ever-present portfolio aside and leaning forward on with her elbows on her knees. “I understand that, looked at a certain way, you’ve had a purely positive experience with coming into your sexuality. You had David, who from what you’ve said before is a very loving person. And based on what you’ve told me, you live in an accepting community. And then your parents stepped up and were there for you when you asked them to be. That’s all wonderful, and not to be discounted. But it doesn’t change the fact that for all of your formative years, when maybe on some subconscious level you did know that you were gay, or at least different in some fundamental way, you didn’t feel like your parents or the community you were living in would accept you. That kind of experience leaves a mark, even though everything turned out fine.”

She smirked, leaning backwards again. “Or not. Perhaps your serotonin is low due to simple physiology and I’m completely off the mark.”

Patrick felt strangely reassured by this honesty, this admission that she knew that she didn’t know everything. “So I need medication, then?”

“Maybe,” she said. “Medication might help. Or cognitive behavior therapy could help you. Or both together.”

His reassurance quickly dissolved, leaving Patrick wanting to scream at his therapist, fix me, goddammit! Instead he said, “That all sounds very nebulous.”

She grinned. “From what I know about you so far, I bet that’s driving you crazy, and I’m sorry about that. Can you bear with me for a little while, though? Work through the process?”

He sighed. “I’ll try.”

~*~

Patrick drove past the empty storefront on Elmdale’s main street as he was leaving his therapy appointment. He’d noticed every week that the ‘for lease’ sign was still in the window. After the second time he saw it, he’d texted Ray to ask if that was the space he’d mentioned to David. David hadn’t said anything about the second Rose Apothecary location in a while, but it didn’t take a genius to guess that he was still thinking about it, and probably wondering when Patrick would be ready to seriously entertain the idea again.

On impulse, he pulled into one of the parking spaces that lined the street and got out of the car, walking over to the empty storefront. The windows were covered in paper, but he could see enough through the gaps to make out that it had a scuffed up hardwood floor. It would need to be refinished, he thought, but it looked like it was in pretty good shape.

The smell of coffee attracted Patrick’s attention, and he looked over to see that there was a coffee shop next door. Grind House, the sign that hung under the awning said. Curious, Patrick went over and opened the door.

The barista looked up and waved. It being around two in the afternoon on a weekday, the place was mostly empty other than two people at a table in the corner who were huddled over laptop computers. The shop was decorated tastefully for Christmas, and he thought David would approve of the warmth and coziness of the space.

“Hey, what can I get you?” the barista — Taylor, her name tag read — asked him with a smile. Tattoos snaked out from under the sleeves of her t-shirt, black ink against dark brown skin.

“A small earl grey tea?” he asked.

“Sure thing. Is that it? We’ve got a few pastries left.”

His eyes strayed over to the pastry case. “Yeah, could I get a couple of those butter tarts to go? My husband is a real connoisseur.”

Taylor grinned at him. “Smart man.”

“Hey, what do you know about the empty space next door? Do you know if there’s been any interest in it?”

“Oh man, I’m still bummed about that. It used to be a comic book shop. I was afraid to go in there for the longest time — comic stores aren’t necessarily the most welcoming places to black queer women, you know? But the old guy that ran it was super nice. I remember he made a point of telling me when Ta-Nahisi Coates started writing Captain America.”

“What happened to the store?”

She shrugged. “Amazon drove him out of business, I guess. That’ll be $9.25,” she said ringing up his tea and butter tarts. As Patrick put his debit card in the reader, she added, “Why do you ask?”

“Oh.” He scratched his cheek. “My husband and I run a store in Schitt’s Creek. Rose Apothecary?”

“Holy shit, really? A friend gave me some of your lotion for my birthday. It’s great.”

Patrick swelled with pride. “Thanks. Anyway, we’re considering opening a second location in Elmdale.”

Taylor smirked, handing him his tea and a box with the tarts. “Sorry, I can’t allow you to have a store right next door to my coffee shop. I’ll spend all my profits there.”

Laughing, Patrick accepted his purchases. “Oh, well. Guess we’ll have to look for another place, then. Although David would return the favor, I’m sure.”

“What’s your name?” Taylor asked.

“It’s Patrick Brewer,” he said, setting the tea down again to shake her hand.

“Nice to meet you, Patrick. I’m Taylor. And I hope you guys get the space.”

“I… do too,” he said, surprised to find that he meant it.

The store was bustling when he got back to Schitt’s Creek, and David and Bethany were both busy with customers. Patrick put the box of butter tarts in the back room and went to work restocking Christmas decorations. Given how many decorations they sold every holiday season, Patrick had to assume that by now every Christmas tree in Elm County was fully outfitted in David Rose’s aesthetic.

As soon as David finished with the customers he was helping, Patrick went over and put a hand on his shoulder. “I got you something for your afternoon break,” he said. “There’s a white box on the table in the back.”

David’s eyes lit up, and he hurried into the back before he could be waylaid by another harried holiday shopper.

They didn’t have a chance to exchange any more conversation until Bethany finally flipped the sign on the door to Closed and locked up. Patrick felt dead on his feet, but he had to admit that the thought of all the money in the cash register made him feel pretty good. Bethany went to work cleaning the windows while David leaned against the center table.

“Oh my god, Patrick, where did you get those butter tarts? Those are the best ones I’ve had in years.”

Patrick walked over and put his arms around his husband, pulling him into a hug. “A little coffee shop in downtown Elmdale that happens to be next to an empty store that I believe Ray mentioned to you a couple of months ago.”

David pulled out of the hug, his eyes darting back and forth as he studied Patrick’s expression. “It’s still vacant?”

Nodding, Patrick leaned up and kissed David’s cheek. “We should call Ray after Christmas and go take a look at it.”

“Are you sure?”

Patrick shrugged. “No, I’m scared as hell. Among other things, I’m afraid I’m going to miss having days like this with you, working together in our store. But I want to go look.”

David kissed his lips gently. “Okay.”

~*~

Stevie stood shivering on their back porch, bundled up in her hat and puffy parka. “It’s way too cold for this,” she said.

Patrick exhaled pot smoke in a crystalline cloud of breath and handled the joint back to her. “Our families are getting here tomorrow and I don’t want the house to smell like weed.” He giggled. “It doesn’t match David’s holiday aesthetic.”

His phone chimed, and he took it out to look at it, expecting a complaint from David. Instead the text was from his cousin. There were no words, just a picture of Justin pressed cheek to cheek with another boy.

Patrick: Who’s this?

Justin 🌈: his name is Jonah

Patrick: Very cute. And closer to your age, I hope?

Justin 🌈: 🙄 you sound like my mom he’s 18

Patrick: Good. Merry Christmas, Justin.

Justin 🌈: thanks you too

Then a text arrived from David, just as Patrick expected. She’s got even more luggage than last year.

Patrick laughed. Maybe it’s a lot of presents for you, he texted back.

David: You give my sister entirely too much credit.

Patrick: See you soon.

“Why are you suddenly so fucking popular?” Stevie groused, her teeth chattering, handing him the joint back as he put away his phone.

“Sounds like Alexis’s flight got in on time,” he said. “And my cousin Justin has a new… boyfriend, I guess?” He took another hit.

“I can’t stand this anymore; I’m going inside,” Stevie said, taking the half-smoked joint from him and carefully extinguishing it, then putting it in a crumpled sandwich bag that she produced from her coat pocket. Patrick followed her back into the house. “Is this the cousin that you rescued a while ago?”

“How many gay cousins do you think I have?” he asked, pulling his coat off.

“I mean, statistically? Given how many cousins you have? More than one.” She flopped down on the sofa and stretched out on her back. “So are you liking your therapist any better?”

Patrick dropped into the overstuffed chair across from her. “I don’t know. As I predicted, she’s starting to fixate on my sexual orientation and…” He gestured airily in a very David way. “All that.”

Stevie turned her head and regarded him balefully. “The fact that you were in denial about being gay until you were thirty? And didn’t come out to your parents until you were ready to ask David to marry you? Is that what ‘all that’ is?”

“Fuck off,” Patrick grumbled.

“I’m just saying, there’s probably some stuff to unpack there.”

“Stevie, I’m completely comfortable with being gay,” he said.

“Didn’t say you weren’t. It’s not about you being gay, but maybe it’s about how you get so wrapped up in your obligations to other people that you lose track of yourself. Or that you’re so obsessed with not disappointing the people you care about that you have a hard time being truthful about who you are or what you need.”

Patrick blinked. “Wow. Maybe you should be my therapist.”

Stevie laughed. “The problem is, I need to be high to have these deep insights.”

They settled into comfortable silence for a few minutes. Finally Patrick admitted, “I don’t like the way it makes me feel cracked open.”

“What does?” Stevie asked, her mind clearly having wandered.

“Therapy.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t think I could deal with that either,” Stevie said.

“It’s like… you know how if you pick up a big rock in moist soil, there’ll be all these bugs underneath it?”

“Ew,” Stevie said in a perfect imitation of David, and the two of them burst into gales of laughter for a while. When Stevie finally got control of herself, she said, “Sorry, what about the bugs?”

He wiped away tears from his cheeks. “It was a metaphor for my brain. I’ve got a lifetime of practice not moving those rocks. I don’t know if I want to know what’s underneath them.”

“Yeah, I get that.” She stretched her toes out, brushing them against the arm of the sofa. “You know you’ll be okay though, right?”

Patrick felt a swell of love for Stevie and he would have hugged her, but it would probably be weird. Also he was comfortable in his chair. Maybe he’d hug her later.

When David arrived from retrieving Alexis at the airport, Patrick put his coat back on to help with the luggage. David opened a bottle of wine and turned the lamps in the living room off, leaving only the light from the Christmas tree to illuminate the four of them as they settled in to talk.

They told Alexis about the new location in Elmdale that they were considering leasing, and she made some marketing suggestions that were good enough that David went and retrieved his journal from the bedroom so that he could make some notes.

“One thing I’ve seen businesses do to get market penetration is sponsor relevant conferences,” Alexis said. “Like, professional association meetings. Then they get their business name and logo printed on everything for the conference — tote bags, lanyards, USB sticks, all that stuff.” Her free hand that wasn’t holding her wine glass flopped around to indicate all of the stuff.

“We don’t really have general store conferences,” Patrick said, bemused.

Alexis rolled her eyes. “But it works for other events too. Summer festivals, parades, whatever.”

“Elm Valley has a pumpkin festival every year,” Stevie said.

Patrick was starting to have a germ of an idea related to what Alexis had said. He sipped his wine and filed it away to mull over later, when he was sober.

Tomorrow, Johnny and Moira and his own parents would arrive and things would take a turn for the chaotic, but for right now, Patrick could enjoy the warmth of David’s hand on his shoulder as his husband bantered happily with his sister and his best friend. Leaning into the crook of David’s arm, Patrick smiled and tried to soak up all of the love in the room, an inoculation against the darkness that might lurk around the next bend in the road.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” David murmured against his spine later in their bed. Their kisses had been drowsy and a little bit drunk as they decided that sex was happening tonight in spite of their houseguests. Alexis was in the guest bedroom and Stevie had zonked out on the living room sofa, David tucking an afghan around her shoulders before he and Patrick went to bed themselves.

“It’s not Christmas yet,” Patrick said with a chuckle, writhing, pressed against the sheets as David worked him up and up.

“I know it’s not technically Christmas, but tonight was so nice,” David murmured into Patrick’s shoulder, words alternating with kisses. “It filled me with holiday spirit.”

Patrick tried not to laugh, he really did, but it was a losing battle. He made an attempt to smother his giggles into his pillow.

“If you say something about me filling you with the holiday spirit, it’s over between us.” The things he was doing to Patrick with his fingers belied that statement.

Laughing again, Patrick pushed his hips back against David’s hand, and then his laughter turned into a moan, and then neither of them said anything coherent for a long time.

~*~

The first town council meeting of the new year came on a grey January afternoon, the threat of snow on the horizon. Everyone was subdued and low energy, even Roland, and Patrick felt drowsy, struggling a little bit to pay attention and type at the same time that they discussed several budgetary issues. A lot of the topics were the same every meeting, with tiny, incremental changes almost too small to detect. Or worse, they were recurring issues that indicated no progress had been made at all.

When they got to the bottom of the agenda, Ronnie asked if there was any new business, and Patrick almost didn’t say anything. The idea that had occurred to him during the holidays had seemed strong on a happier day. Today, he wasn’t sure he had the energy to argue for it. But then he thought about the things Ronnie had said to him about queer activism, and he thought about Taylor and her coffee shop, and he opened his mouth.

“Have we ever considered having something in Schitt’s Creek for Pride?” he asked.

Ronnie raised her eyebrows. “What, like a parade?”

“No offense, but it might be kind of a sad little parade,” Roland said.

“No, not a parade. Like, a street festival. Tents with food and other vendors and LGBT educational booths. Opportunities for people to find out about meetings in the area. Maybe a stage with speeches and musical performances. And we don’t have to limit it to only Schitt’s Creek. I looked into it a little, and even Elmdale doesn’t have anything like it. We could draw vendors and patrons from all over Elm County.”

Ronnie crossed her arms. “Sounds like a way to line your own pockets. I assume Rose Apothecary would be one of the vendors?”

Patrick met her gaze. “I’m sure the rest of council could be counted on to keep us on a level playing field with everyone else. Come on, Ronnie. Can you honestly say it wouldn’t be a good thing for the community? And a good way to bring money into the town?”

She tilted her head in acquiescence. “Put together a formal proposal and we can vote on it at the next meeting.”

“I’m going to vote ‘yes,’” Bob stage-whispered to Patrick.

“Thanks, Bob.”

After the meeting had adjourned, Patrick went over to Ronnie. “I thought later this month I’d go to that Thornbridge LGBTQIA+ meeting you told me about. See what they’re doing and make some connections. Ask if they’d be interested in helping out with our Pride festival.”

Ronnie stared at him for a second. “Your festival idea hasn’t been approved yet,” she said.

“Assuming it’s approved,” he said, unable to keep himself from grinning. “Would you like to go with me?”

“You want me to spend hours in a car with you, driving to Thornbridge. Really.”

“Come on, Ronnie. Someday you and I are going to have to bury the hatchet for good.” He put on his most guileless expression, the one that caused David to accuse him of weaponizing his eyes. “Why not in service to the queer community, of which we are both pillars?”

She almost, for a split second, looked like she was going to crack a smile. Instead she sighed. “Fine. Let me know when it is. I’ll see if I’m available.”

~*~

They celebrated signing the lease for the new store with pizza at David’s favorite spot in Elmdale. There were paper hearts colored by children in the front window, and it reminded Patrick that he only had a few days to find a suitably tacky gift for David for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t worth it if he couldn’t get David to threaten to divorce him on this, David’s most hated of holidays.

While they waited for their pizza, Patrick reached across the red and white checkered tablecloth and took David’s hand. “Thank you,” he said.

David had been fiddling with his phone, but at the sound of Patrick’s voice, he set it face-down on the table and gave Patrick his full attention. “What for?”

“For being there for me so many times this past year. For… for putting up with me at my worst.”

A crooked smile threatened to erupt on David’s face. “Patrick, you know your worst is still pretty good, right?”

“I hope you’re not still grading me on a Sebastien Raine curve, David.”

David rolled his eyes at that. “No, I’m just saying that maybe you don’t have the most objective perspective on what being married to you is like.” His eyes softened. “I’m as happy being your husband today as I was the first day. Okay?”

Patrick swallowed around a surprising lump in his throat. “Okay.”

“You’re nervous about the new store,” David surmised.

“I am, but it’s the right decision,” Patrick said with confidence.

“I’m nervous too,” David said. “Don’t mistake my outward confidence for anything other than a thin veneer over all of my anxieties.”

That statement automatically put Patrick into reassurance mode. “The marketing ideas from Alexis are going to be helpful. The customer base in Elmdale is huge and has more disposable income compared to what we’re used to at home. I’ve run some numbers, and I think the revenue from this location may outstrip our Schitt’s Creek location in a matter of months.”

David grimaced. “Well, that somehow makes me feel irrationally protective of our first store. It doesn’t deserve to be the under-achiever.”

Squeezing David’s hand, Patrick said, “Never. I fell in love with you there, and there’s nowhere in the world more important to me than that store.”

“We can make new memories at the new store,” David said softly.

Patrick knew, realistically, that he and David probably wouldn’t be spending that much time together at the new store after they got it open. They’d have to split time between the two locations, and there would be even more work to do out on the road, expanding their vendor base to support the increased demand.

David seemed to read his thoughts. “And when we spend our days apart, it will make being at home together in the evenings that much more precious.”

“Yeah,” Patrick managed to say, his voice raw. He averted his eyes from David’s piercing gaze, staring out the window between the gaps in the paper hearts. “Can you… can you talk to me more about that?”

David smiled and rubbed his hands together. “Well, imagine a day when I’m at the store here in Elmdale, and you’re at the store back at home.”

“Are you at the one in Elmdale because of Taylor’s pastries?”

“Shhh,” David said, reaching out with a finger like he was going to put it over Patrick’s lips. “I leave the store a little early, letting one of our trusted employees close up, and I bring home some wine and cheese from the store. Maybe some of Heather’s new triple cream.” He closed his eyes like he was having an erotic fantasy about Heather Warner’s cheese.

“Wine and cheese that you pay for,” Patrick said.

“Naturally. Oh, and fresh berries. It’s summer, and there are berries in season. So I set everything up on the kitchen table, just in time for you to arrive home from the other store. And we drink wine and eat cheese and we tell each other all about our days. The sun is setting, and the light is all golden,” David said.

“I like this story,” Patrick replied. “Then what happens?”

“Eventually we move to the sofa. Maybe watch some TV or listen to some music. We put our feet up and finish our wine and you remember something funny that you saw on the internet and you tell me about it. And then when we get tired, we go to bed.”

“What happens then?” Patrick asked as their server set their pizza in front of them and David grabbed a slice.

David’s mouth twisted into a crooked smile and he waggled his eyebrows. “The rest of the story is very interesting, but you’ll have to wait to get home to hear that part.”

“Hmm, okay.” Patrick reached for his own slice of pizza.

“Hey,” David said, drawing Patrick back to looking at him. “I love you. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for us.”

Patrick smiled. He felt bolstered, lifted up by David’s support and for once, he allowed himself to feel good about it. “Me either, David.”

[nctwd127]

Arranged Marriage.

Chapter Thirteen.

Word Count: 3154

Notes: This is just a sad chapter overall and I was lowkey in my feelings when I was writing this. There was one scene here that I felt in my soul when I wrote it, lets see if can tell which one it is. 

Once the sun set, Lucas and I pulled away from each other and acted as if nothing happened. It didn’t feel weird or awkward. The walk back to the car was quiet. The path was a little dark for my eyes to adjust well too so I didn’t see the branch on the floor causing me to trip.

I squealed when I went forward and knocked into Lucas’s back. “Are you okay?’ he asked turning to me worried, holding me by the arms. “Yeah sorry, I just didn’t see that branch. Did I hit you too hard?”

He smiled at me, “Nothing I need to go to the hospital for.” I smiled back hitting his arm. “Give me your hand so that you don’t trip again.” He took hold of my hand and laced our fingers together before he started walking again.

Even after we got out of the path and into the park, he didn’t let go of my hand. Not like I wanted him too anyway. We walked over to the car hand in hand, with the bouquet of flowers in my other hand. As always, he opened the car door for me before he got into his side.

The drive back to my house wasn’t long enough and that made me upset because I was back to my reality. The one where afternoons like this only exist every once in a while instead of all the time. Where afternoons like this made living with Yuta a nightmare because once I stepped inside he’d go crazy.

Parked in front of my house, Lucas got out and opened my door again. I thanked him as he walked me to the door. “Thank you so much for this afternoon Lucas, really. You have no idea how much it meant to me.”

“Of course, I’d do anything to see you as happy as you were today.”

We hugged each other goodbye and parted ways. I watched as he drove away, waving me goodbye before I walked into my home. Bracing myself for whatever commotion Yuta was going to cause.

Walking into the house, only the light of the hallway was on. It was quiet and no sound was heard in the halls. “Yuta?” I called out, walking to the kitchen looking for something to put my flowers in. I didn’t hear an answer so I carried on about my business.

I arranged the flowers in the vase to my liking before I took them to my room. Once satisfied with my arrangement I turned with the vase in hands to head out. But almost dropped them when I saw Yuta leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and a hard expression on his face.

“Nakamoto, what the fuck! You scared me!” I exclaimed walking past him to head up to my room. He quietly followed behind me all the way up to my room. He welcomed himself inside and just stared as I set the flowers down on my dresser.

“Who gave you those flowers?” He asked, his voice stern. “You already know who so I don’t know why you’re asking.” I answered moving away to admire them and then turning to look at him. Yuta looked angry but that wasn’t new.

He took a step forward and I stayed in place. I wasn’t going to back down to him anymore. I was tired of having to defend everything I did and who I did it with. He didn’t own me and I definitely didn’t owe him shit.

“Where did you go?” He questioned when he stood face to face with me.

“Look.” I sighed before bringing my stare back to him. “This is the first good day I’ve had in the past two weeks, don’t ruin it for me Yuta.”

“Then stop doing stupid shit you know is going to piss me off. It’s that simple princess.” He shot back. I scoffed and walked away from him. “Get out of my room. I don’t have to give you explanations for anything that I do or don’t do.” I held the door open for him.

“I hate to break it to you princess but you do. We’re engaged now. You owe me explanations especially when you go out with people I told you I don’t want you around.” He argued back staying put in the middle of my room.

“You don’t own me. And most definitely don’t give me orders Nakamoto. I am free to see anyone and everyone I want. Your words mean nothing to me.” I spat back. He walked over to me and grabbed me by the arm.

“You sure you want to play this game with me princess? I already warned you once, I am capable of so much more than you think. Don’t test me.” He warned me, his grip tightening more. His eyes pierced into mine making it hard to keep the contact but I didn’t want to give into him again.

“Then stop provoking me and I won’t provoke you. It’s that simple Nakamoto.” I mocked him pulling away from him. He actually let go and backed up with a smirk resting on his face.

It’s like he gets pleasure out of our fighting.

“I’m just saying (Y/N), you could be having good days with me too if you would just accept this.” He stated, his voice hiding an emotion I couldn’t quite pick up. I looked at him in disbelief.

“As if I could ever.”

“You did before.”

“What?” I breathe out.

The anxiety of him probably remembering me started to build up. I could feel the way my chest started to tighten as the seconds passed and my hands get clammy. My eyes searched his for any kind of answer but none was given.

“Back when we were friends, we used to have good days left and right. But then you all of a sudden just turned on me.” Yuta sounded hurt, he was hurt. His face showed clear signs of sadness and that hit me hard.

Harder than it should have.

“After my accident, you got distant. You wouldn’t call me or text me like before. You didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I tried time and time again to see you and just nothing. You were someone I called my best friend and then you left me like if I was nothing to you.”

To this day, he still doesn’t know I was in that accident with him. To this day, he still believes that I was away for the summer.

With the fresh wave of emotions hitting me, I turned my back to him hiding away the tears I felt burn my eyes. Hurting and aching over my own loses, I never stopped for a second to think about how Yuta felt when I stopped appearing in his life as often as I did and then just all together, erased myself from his life.  

It’s been three months since the accident and Yuta has still showed no signs of getting his memory back or even remembering anything related to us. I locked myself away in my room, spending every waking moment crying and aching.

Mourning the losses of two people I loved, in the silence that only made things worse but it was out of the question to ever bring this out into the open for people to know.

The version of Yuta that I fell in love with and our baby were only mine. No one was going to take that away from me. Those memories are only mine and no one else’s.

The first three months of the school year, I was home schooled because I couldn’t make it past my bedroom door. I couldn’t step into the real world past the walls of my home.  

Yuta came around as often as he could but seeing him knowing he’s not the same person I had in my arms, was too much for my mental health. After the first month and half, the nightmares started happening so I asked my parents to stop letting him in. Not understanding the state I was in, no questions were asked and they just did it.

He blew up my phone with calls, texts, and endless notifications of just anything that my phone was off during the day and turned on only at night when I knew he was sleeping.

[Osaka Prince]: Where you been butt cheek?

[Osaka Prince]: Let’s hang out, I miss seeing you.

[Osaka Prince]: I miss you. Answer my calls. Or my texts. Anything. Let me know you’re alive.

[Osaka Prince]: Did I do something to you? Why did you tell your parents to not let me in?

[Osaka Prince]: I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please talk to me. I want to fix this, I don’t want to lose our friendship.

At the start of the New Year, with much hesitation, I decided to attend school again. My parents were fine with whatever I decided that was better for me, my depression was still high but I knew it was time I stepped out of my house.

Maybe I should have waited a little longer.

Ignoring Yuta in the comfort of my house was easy but it was very different seeing him at school. Where I couldn’t run away and hide, where I couldn’t cry as freely as I had in my house. Any class I had with him, I switched out of and made sure our free times never matched.

I even made three new friends to spend most of my time with. New people that could ease the pain I carried in the depths of my soul.  

[Osaka Prince]: (Y/N) this is getting ridiculous. You won’t answer my calls or text and now you’re ignoring me at school too? You won’t even look at me?

[Osaka Prince]: I miss you so much. I want my best friend back (Y/N), bring her back.

[Osaka Prince]: Don’t do this to me, please. I need you in my life, you’re my best friend. Please.  

[Osaka Prince]: Who were those guys you were hanging out with? I haven’t seen them before. Are they new? Why was that one bunny looking guy all over you?

Every time the word ‘friend’ was read in his text messages, it felt like a knife was being plunged into the depths of my heart.

Without realizing it, the tears fell and I couldn’t help but audibly weep into my hands. I could still see his texts play behind my eyelids as if I had read them yesterday. I could still see his face clear as day when I walked past him when he stood in front of me trying to talk to me. I forced myself to look past him, to not even acknowledge his presences.  

Yuta didn’t say anything, he came behind me and wrap his arms around my shoulders, holding me. I wanted this to be home, I wanted this be more. I wanted him to comfort me when I lost our baby but he didn’t because he couldn’t. He didn’t know me the way I knew him. I wanted him to fucking remember me.

But it was too late, I didn’t want this anymore. I just wanted my life back. Even if that meant that it would change the way things were now. Things that maybe I didn’t want to change.

I turned in his hold and pushed against his chest so he could let me go. “Leave.”

“What?” He asked, confused. His eyes searched for something more in mine.

“Leave! Please just get out and leave me alone Yuta. I don’t want to see you anymore.” I started to get worked up causing the volume in my voice to raise. He stepped closer and I stepped back. “Don’t come closer to me. Please just leave.”

There were so many different and new emotions running through Yuta that he didn’t know what to do with himself. He felt overwhelmed and frustrated at how easy my whole demeanor towards him changed in the snap of a finger.

Last night felt right, felt like something we did a lot despite it only being the second time we did what we did. Somewhere in his heart, he felt like it was normal. Waking up and seeing my face as the first thing, filled him with a warmth.

Yuta started to feel the faint feeling of being home.  

And now today I’m crying in his face about the things he said, yelling at him to leave. He was confused and hurt.

“I don’t fucking get you!” He barked before stomping out of my room. I heard his footsteps go all the way downstairs and then the front door being opened and then slammed closed. The engine of his car roared through the night and then sped away.

I dropped to my knees, hunched over and banging on the floor with my fist, “This isn’t fucking fair!” I yelled, choking on my tears. “I wish I didn’t know what it was like to love you Yuta. I wish I could forget about everything the way the memories were wiped out of you.”

The ach in my throat from crying all night, bothered me all morning as I got ready to attend my classes for the day. Yuta didn’t seem to have come home last night as his bedroom was still opened, when it was always closed and his car wasn’t in the driveway either when I walked out.

Pulling into the parking lot, the boys were there waiting for me like usual expect Doyoung wasn’t there. Something told me that it wasn’t for a good reason. I don’t think I could handle anything else after last night right now. I got out of the car and went right into Hendery’s and Ten’s arms.

They didn’t hesitate to hold me tight against them. “You okay?” Ten mumbled against my hair. I sighed and nodded my head no. I stepped away from them with a sad smile and went to Lucas.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas cooed wrapping his arms around me, tight. Hendery and Ten looked at each other confused, trying to read each other’s expression. They felt like this missed out on something by the way Lucas and I hugged each other.  

“Where’s Doyoung?” I asked into Lucas’s chest. He tensed under my head and the other two boys cleared their throats not sure what they were supposed to answer. “That was enough of an answer.” I pulled away from Lucas just enough to turn in his hold to face them.

“I’m okay not knowing today.” I lied.

We agreed to meet for lunch at our usual place and parted ways. Lucas walked me to class and on the way there, I explained to him last night. This time I wasn’t emotional, just numb. There wasn’t much or anything he could do to make this better but his presences around me was more than enough to help me sooth.  

Walking in to the room, there was no sign on Yuta. The lesson passed by and he never showed. The rest of the day went by and still nothing. Jaehyun wasn’t in the last lesson either. And according to the boys, no one saw Sicheng or Taeyong all day either. So it was safe to assume that they were all together and Yuta was fine.

Unlocking the door to my home, I stepped in to be greeted by the obnoxious sounds of boys yelling at the television in the living room. I don’t know why I didn’t cross my mind that they were here. But Yuta wasn’t sitting with them.

“Where’s Yuta?” I asked stepping in and taking their attention away from the screen. They all looked at each other, Jaehyun had his usual smirk, whereas Taeyong refused to meet my eyes. And Sicheng’s face had a mixture of two emotions I couldn’t decipher.  

Behind me, the laughter of a girl coming down the stairs was heard. And then the footsteps of whom I assume was Yuta. She stepped into the living room and stopped when she was me. To say the least, she was surprised.

So was I when I scanned her being and saw she sported fresh hickeys on her neck. Close behind her, a shirtless, now brown haired Yuta walked in, with matching marks on his neck. He didn’t bother acknowledging my existence or even sparing me a glance before he addressed his boys.

“I’m going to take her home. I’ll be back.”

He stepped out and went back up to his room to finish getting dressed, I assumed. Watching him leave, I saw how his back had fresh scratches.

The girl and I stared at each other as the boys looked between us.

“Who are you?” She asked me, the nervousness and the clear worry in her voice made me realize that she had no idea what Yuta just did.

“I’m the fiancé of the man that just fucked you in our home.” I answered with a deadpan look. This wasn’t her fault but nonetheless, it still came out harsh and hurt her.

“If you’ll excuse me now.” I announced to no one in particular and retreated into the kitchen, my feet feeling heavier than they ever have in my whole life. I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.

This hurt. It hurt a lot. In my own home. In our home.

“No, thank you. I can leave on my own. Don’t call me again.” The girl’s loud voice traveled to the kitchen, before the door opened and closed, followed by the teasing laugh of Jaehyun. He was just as bad, if not worse than Yuta.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and then went up to my room. Passing the living room, the boys were all back to whatever they were doing before I came home. Yuta sat with them now, his eyes meeting mine when I passed by.

Dropping my gaze, I went up to my room and locked myself in there for the rest of the day. Nothing and everything was running through my mind all at once.

I couldn’t help but think of last night, about what Yuta said, the way he said it and the way he expressed it. He hurt too. He was still hurt and so was I. It just added to the misery that I carried every day since then. But there was nothing I could do, not now and most definitely not then.

My heart and soul were ripped out my body in a way I could never imagine. There were scars I carried on my body that served as a constant reminder of my losses. A broken heart that never healed still bleed the deepest shade of red, every day and night that I lived.

Masterlist 

[kungfusal]

I have been seeing a lot of posts from martial artists, some quite experienced, some very senior, some well known, giving their opinions on how to cope with isolation.

Some have been genuinely interested and helpful but many have been quite judgemental and superior.

The topic of mental health and having a ‘martial mindset’ come up regularly as if that is enough to explain or educate. I guess most people are not into self inquiry and simply regurgitate what they have been taught. Especially from male teachers and largely masculine teachings where toughing it out, being defiant or just being macho and not showing your emotions was the recommended path.

I feel this is unhelpful and only a recycling of old ways, their usefulness has run out and we are now all too aware of this.

Similarly I do not feel martial artists, teachers or spiritual guides have any responsibility to other people and no one should ‘follow’ anybody. We have our own minds to discern and our own life experiences for reference so don’t subscribe to someone’s teachings wholeheartedly. Do not also bash someone else’s advice if you have never applied it. Simply put, you have never walked in their shoes and they have never walked in yours. Everyone has a responsibility to themselves first and if you feel you don’t, you should.

But, my reason for writing is this. Practicing Tai chi, Qi gong, sanchin, kaizen, I Ching whatever...won’t save you from the bad things from happening in life. It won’t. In fact, those of us who study deeply know, that’s not what it’s even for.

Your yoga practice helps your mental stability but under 3 weeks of isolation it’s not working like it used to. You train hard and have the body to show it but without the gym you have no idea how to train your body effectively or even connect with its needs. Going out and connecting to nature is your way of receiving energy, touching trees and walking barefoot you sing to the ocean. But now you’re going stir crazy locked in your 1 bed tower block flat in Tower Hamlets not knowing when you’ll be able to see your family again.

You’re questioning all your beliefs, your practices and all the emotional crutches you used to prop yourself up for years. You stop posting selfies on social media, your T-shirt’s are loose where your lats used to bulge out. You try and meditate more to get into the ‘zone’ but it doesn’t work like it did 3 months ago....why? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I hear my guides? Where are my angels? Why do I feel so confused? Why can’t I handle this? What the fuck is going on with my body? Why can’t I poo? Why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I get off the sofa? Why can’t I motivate myself to learn that skill I said I never had the time for? Why can’t I reach out to exes and old friends just to check in on them? Why don’t I feel guilty now I don’t feel pressured to go out? Why do virtual meetings freak me out? What’s wrong with me!?!?!?!

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. Not before and not now. You are dealing with an unexpected and unprecedented global event which could be catastrophic for you and the anxiety caused by worrying how the tables are turning is messing you up. You are allowed to be worried about your job and if you’re even going to receive a pay check. You are allowed to be scared about your mental health if your usual resources have now become nonexistent. You are allowed to worry about your children’s education and how you’re going to ration food for your family.

You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to notice that things are shifting and the world as we know it is changing. This isn’t a holiday. This is not ‘spend 3 weeks at home and come out a completely transformed person as though the world will wait for you’! This is not time with family as though it’s an extended Christmas. Parents are worried about income, children are anxious because they’re not getting explanations for things, people are living day by day not knowing what the government will impose next. If you felt stable amongst all this fear and dread you probably weren’t engaging in life in the first place.

So back to my reason for writing this, I feel many martial artists, life coaches and spiritual people are saying ‘if you can’t go within’ if you can’t ‘be with yourself’ if ‘you’re falling apart now’ and if ‘you’re going through a mental breakdown’ your practices were false or you didn’t do it properly to begin with. I find this horribly judgmental at a time when we don’t need that personal attack.

My take on it is this. Firstly, you will do whatever works for you AT THE TIME. This is a natural and predictable response to the feedback we get whether internal or external. If we meditate a certain way for three years and it makes us feel what we want then likelihood is we’ll continue in the same manner. Compare this too people who have been vegan for 20 years and never felt better.

Well, maybe I was vegan for 2 years and only after I stopped did I feel better. So here is the internal feedback-my body was calling for something else so I tried other things. Similarly with the here and now, what feedback are you getting from your martial practice now you are in a completely different situation? What do you really FEEL? Is it fine? Do you feel complete? Is it asking to be complimented with another practice? If you used to meditate in silence, unmoving for 2 hours maybe your soul is just asking you to get up and sing for a change. Hell, dance about in your living room, no one is watching anyway! Maybe it’s in this period you learn the value of sound healing and vocal chants.

If you’re used to pushing yourself physically maybe you feel lethargic and demotivated now you can’t leave your flat. Maybe your soul is saying ‘you’ve been in the gym almost everyday for 5 years...how about we just have a bubble bath...come on it’ll be fun!’ Maybe now is the time you reconnect with the sensual parts of your body and how good it feels to be in your own skin. Being touch starved is a very real plight in isolation, we must learn ways to get out of our minds forever over analysing, criticising and over thinking and get into our bodies too.

Maybe you’re very connected with Source and you know all the breathing techniques and mudras but now you ‘can’t do your work’. Well, maybe spirit is call you to action, not analysis. Maybe volunteer to drop food deliveries or make meals for elderly people in your community. Hopes, prayers and good intentions have more power when you’re present and responsive to the human world you inhabit.

Simply put...whatever spiritual practice you have, it’s only ever a doorway to a bigger learning. It’s a stepping stone to a better you. It’s never a destination or quick fix and please be wary of those who promise you the ‘answer’. Remember one size absolutely does not fit all.

Your best way to negotiate this time is to check in with yourself little and often and don’t question your desires, not matter how inconvenient they are. Inner children, egos, old bad habits and traumas will all raise their heads in this isolation, be prepared to greet them just don’t let them stay for too long. Whatever you’re feeling...that feeling is the key to unlock your next step. Your feelings are messages and if you listen to them without owning them or being owned by them, they act as honest guides to help you in the present.

You are not falling apart. You are falling into your humaness. Don’t be scared, know it will pass. Enjoy your practice but do not be trapped by it. There are so many ways to connect with your Higher Self so when you are being called to go higher...go.

After all we are all here to experience being human. To feel, think do and connect.

Being a spiritual ninja does not make you exempt from being human.

[theglowstickchronicles]

Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.

Anyway, here it is:

• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.

Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine 

• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?

Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.

• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?

Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.

• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?

I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).

• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?

In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)

• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?

One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?

• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.

I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!

• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?

Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.

• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?

I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.

• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.

Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!

• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.

On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.

• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?

I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.

• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?

Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.

• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.

No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.

• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?

The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!

• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.

Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.

• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?

Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.

• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?

Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.

• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?

Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.

• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?

Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?

• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.

Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.

[signofthree]

Get ready for a long one (sorry) : What's up with people saying being a virgin is okay at my age (20-21) but then I'm always in a situation where I can't find a partner that isn't judgemental about it? How do people even find partners without using apps too? Why do people make it seem like it's easy to find a partner if I have crippling social anxiety and major depression? I feel like I'm always running out of time because of this

Yo you're my first ask in ages so this is cool, bit out of the blue but whatever! Always welcome.

20-21 is super young?? there is no age cap on virginity anyway but like especially when you're just starting out as an *adult* it's a ridiculous standard to expect everyone has had sex. It is hard enough to make friends/keep up with old ones/find a job/study/etc. anyway, like OP don't be too hard on yourself, early twenties is a hectic time. Plus it's not any indicator of personhood, it's no one's business but yours, and like there's so many more important things in the world to be concerned about.

Unfortunately the problem with trying to date in early twenties is that generally you're dating people the same age as yourself - which is definitely a good thing! - but it means that you run into a vast array of different maturity levels and life experiences. AKA a lot of people who haven't fully grown up yet who think stuff like this is important. Now I am definitely *not* saying date people much older than yourself as that has far more issues (safety etc.), but it's worth knowing that judgemental partners clearly have not have the life experience or development (particularly of empathy) to understand their immaturity about this. It's also a choice on their behalf to be an asshole - it's one thing to say that sex is important for them in a relationship, another thing to be mean to you about your different experience. That's on them being rude, it's not about you at all.

The good news is that despite the abundance of people like this at this age who are still growing up, I have met a large number personally who are very understanding and cool about stuff like this!! So it stands to reason that there are great people out there for everyone to meet 😄

'How to find people without using apps' - well truth be told I've never really used dating apps and I've been okay? That being said I have some advantages of having gone to uni and living inner-city so it's been easier to meet a bigger, more diverse group of people. I understand from people I've talked to that sometimes apps are a really good option, so take my advice with the proverbial grain of salt if it doesn't work for your situation!

Honestly my absolute best advice for meeting people is to get involved in stuff that you enjoy doing. I 10000% get the social anxiety thing, that has held me back a bunch of times, but the thing that has always always always worked for me is whenever I'm feeling a bit stuck (or just in general), doing some kind of new activity that I enjoy that involves other people. In the past I've done plays and musicals, I joined a uni choir, I volunteered at a local art gallery, I played netball - I tend to like arty things but you could be into sport, crafts, gardening, volunteering, reading, whatever! I can think of group examples of all of these things, and most of them are just an internet search away. Another great thing to do is piggy-back off of current friends! Go with them to something they're into - even if it's not really your thing, you can make new friends there.

(Obviously massive caveat - this doesn't really work in quarantine or social isolation - soz bud but you may have to wait and just use apps until this is all over. However I know of people who have made excellent internet friends in this manner (e.g. getting involved in Twitter circles of their favourite subjects), who are now real-life friends.)

The main reason why this *always* works (and I have always found new friends and romantic interests this way) is because a) you're in some kind of comfort zone, which means everything is that bit easier anxiety-wise and more fun! and b) you are GUARANTEED to meet people who think like you and who enjoy the same things as you. And there's really no bad way for this to go - even if you don't want to date anyone in the group, you're doing a fun activity with new friends which helps mental and physical health immensely. Win win! It's also great because it fixes that earlier problem of everyone being kinda judgey - if you diversify your social groups, you'll meet all sorts of people from different backgrounds, who will have very different perspectives on life.

As for time running out - psh! You're in your early twenties, in the 2020s, and the world is just about to come out of a *massive* trauma event. Swinging 20s will be BACK babey - EVERYONE is going to want to socialise and do as much fun stuff as they can, and you will be able to do as much or as little as you like! You're in absolute *prime* position to take advantage of this and have the time of your life. Don't have to party like crazy, but there will be all sorts of events catering to all kinds of interests, I am sure. (Also I know of plenty of people who are still dating in 40s and 50s or who only got married later on etc. and had a grand old time leading up to it and in it now! Whilst there is life there's hope my friend!)

So yeah stay safe & I think you will be more than okay OP ❤️

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log 2.0 November 26 2019

Subtitle: My personal essay on “The troubles of having BOOMER PARENTS,” actual or boomer-ized 😂

Hi everyone, so... This is the part 2 I was talking about... I have been planning to make this post since the OK Boomer thing popped out, which was around early this year? But I never got to, basically because life. Also because my writing app keeps crashing and just when I have written 4 pages of stuff or so, it died, and I didn’t get to save anything. I have to quit with the device, boot up the PC and do it because I cannot rest and I will not rest until I had this post up and running. So here you go, an account of having actual boomer parents lol But not all of them ok? Just most of them. Mine, at the very least. You don’t have to read this long-ass full-of-triggers post but if you need to feel validated because nobody  listens to your pain, it’s OK, feel free to read.

Disclaimers: I am writing this mostly for sharing and to give comfort to basically everyone who got negatively-affected deeply by the boomers in their lives. I am not putting any blame, just putting this info out there. Also, I am using the term "boomer" in its original sense, which is the shortened form of BABY BOOMERS aka the kids who were born around the time of World War II, most especially those born AFTER the war has ended. Also, don’t feel sad if you feel like your parents or other adult guardians just don’t get you. It’s bound to happen, and it’s better to just focus on the people who understand and get you better. Sometimes, if not most of the time, we just have to let go of expectations that the people we expect to understand the most because we’re related aka family members will do just that, but instead are the ones who will make us feel alienated the most. That’s quite painful at first, but very liberating once you get the hang of it.

OK, so before we get off-track, I shall start the premise of this post by saying that anyone who acts like a typical boomer aka isn’t open-minded, is too-fixed in their ways, isn’t open for discussions, has no ounce of creativity whatsoever, has no room for compromise or even agreeing to disagree, well, they’re boomers I guess? But what I will write here is an actual account of having actual boomer parents aka Pluto in Leo folks so yeah, you might wanna check out my post on that, right here. Then go back here lol

To start this post, I would like to mention that if you were led here, one way or another, I am here to tell you that this is no coincidence, the divine realms want you to reach your highest potential, but first to have to feel your lowest lows, through the eyes of other people. I will try my best not to make this a heavy post, but it might turn into one because I will be letting out my personal experiences and be at my weakest, even weaker than a soggy piece of bread. Please bear with me.

I don’t know who initially coined the term “OK boomer” but honestly, the phenomenon of youth infuriating the older generations is nothing new. This has been going on since time immemorial, which undoubtedly lead to steady improvements in science and technology. Unfortunately, when it comes to making connections, it pretty much just made understanding other people with large age gaps grow much harder, thus pushing them further apart. As a rebellious and hopelessly crazy child of boomer parents, this is how I faced my early life and even my life right now. It’s a way of living.

I don’t know exactly why boomer parents are just so hard-headed about things like work, stability, education, social standing, marriages, the lives of other people, the superficial stuff that pretty much other Pluto generations (again, see my post here lol) seem to not put that much energy into. They just had the best of luck by getting to choose their end goal, and following a straight, narrow-path to success that actually worked for them well. Go to school, get a job, get a higher education, you’ll get promoted, and then you’ll become a boss. Get married, have kids, buy a very large house and a really fast car, and you’ll be so happy. Climb the social ladder under all costs and you will find respect and success. That’s what these boomers swear by, because these life formula were something that they were able to easily get. Easy promotions (they will tell you that they worked “hard” for it, yeah like 2 years or so. I have been a work slave for more than 10 years and got nowhere so yeah, “hard work” is extremely subjective), easy grades (remember, so many breakthroughs came after their time so younger kiddies have to learn a whole lot more garbage in school), basically they had to struggle less than younger people have to do right now because there weren’t as many people they have to compete with. 

Don’t expect boomers to ever feel your pain. I mean, if the tried and tested formula worked for them, they cannot see past the idea that it just doesn’t work for you. They will never accept the fact that you can see all the flaws and holes in the system, they were simply conditioned to believe that what they learned worked for them, therefore what they did was right and you should just suck it up like they did. It will never occur to them that you were just being your honest self, that you wanted something that aligns more with high-vibrational energies like REAL teamwork, emotional support, caring for the well-being of others, stuff that they never had to contend to because they were all cut-throat and had to be selfish AF when they were your age. They would blame dead-tired folks like us as lazy, unproductive, haven’t worked hard enough (with all your MS degrees and PhD’s and hundreds of seminars and congresses and certifications and competitions that you undertook) and all that downplaying yadah-yadah even if the only thing you haven’t done literally is to sell your soul to the devil just to get a measly raise. The system failed you tremendously even though you followed what your boomer parents told you to do, you did your best to live the most honest and straight path you could ever do, and yet you still didn’t get anywhere while the unscrupulous people were rolling in the deep by passing through all the loopholes in the system. This is something that boomer parents will never, ever understand and is something that we, as spiritually aware and awakened people must come to terms with and be open to accept.

Of course, don’t get me wrong. I am not shunning the idea of having a great, easy and abundant life. I have been doing my best to get to that point. I mean, yeah, sure it would be nice to have some food everyday, a house to live in, maybe feel a bit better than scraping each and every day, not get judged by other people, but honestly, once you start falling into the rabbit hole of waking up to what reality really is (spoiler alert: it’s not what you were told it would be, because you already tried EVERYTHING and nothing just worked out for you) it just makes even more nonsensical. These vague ideals of what happiness truly is (for these boomers) just aren’t exactly worth expending any energy into. Besides, based on my own experiences, no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to please everyone there are always a lot of people, including my own parents who just have so many negative things to say about me, so why even bother lol. SO I just gave up. I let them do whatever they want, I mean, it’s not like I have any good reputation left anyway. Besides, if I DO decide to show who I truly am, I just let my output and my work speak for myself. Whoever deems it ok can judge me however they would like it to be judged. It’s not like I never had issues like this before. And I have been so used to doing things on my own and not exactly relying much on other people so this is pretty much like my second skin. Being happy in it, gaining confidence, and ultimately using it to shield myself from the negative stuff the rest of the world throws at me is what I do a lot of.

Of course, it wasn’t always this way. I mean, as a kid I just couldn’t stand the idea of having to grow up at the speed of light because the parents aren’t exactly being parents. Most, if not all of the boomer parents out there, including my own have been hard pressed to do what they want in order to get ahead in their lives. No holds barred, no morality concerns, the most important thing is getting the results they want. Always be on top. Always succeed. Being Ok with failure is for losers. Zero cares on how the processes have been done, as long as they have their preferred outcome. I cannot stress how RESULTS are extremely important, alongside perfection at all costs. Certificates, awards, merits are things that are very important to boomers because they signify a sense of aptitude. Even if those credentials were all fake. Or even superficial. But that’s what they deem important. I can’t even tell you how many certificates, awards, trophies, all that stuff that my parents accomplished are here in our home, and yet you can count how many family pictures there are in here. Spoiler alert, my right hand has more fingers than we have family pictures here. It’s pretty sad, but I could safely say that for my boomer parents, it is very clear to me what their priorities in life were, and still are. And that’s something that I have been having a hard time moving past from, but I am doing my best to heal from that. It’s a deep wound, but I want to believe that I am going to be OK. Of course, because everything that stems from childhood is very hard to remove and is quite painful to do so, especially without any form of mental health practitioner aid, and, well, it’s an uphill struggle for everyone.

As a boomer’s kid, the very thing I could remember since childhood was doing a lot of stuff by myself, learning to do stuff on my own. We basically live and breathe DIY, so living by ourselves typically pose no problem. A whole bunch of us Pluto in Scorpio boomers’ kids had to typically raise ourselves, on our own, like self-raising flour lol but no, really, like we have to take care of ourselves a lot. No internet back then, phones were but a luxury and so were Cable TVs and gaming consoles, encyclopedias and other sources of information were limited to libraries (unless your family was rich enough to buy the latest set). Everything we learned, we learn through trial and error. No manuals,little to no instruction guides, no walkthroughs nor playthroughs, no cliffnotes. Not enough adult supervision. We just play outside with our peers, or on our own. Because the boomer parents are always out and about, chasing their careers, making a name for themselves, earning the cash they want so they can go out and take vacation breaks, buy the house and car that will make others envy them, that sort of stuff. 24/7 non-stop work because no work equals no pay and no pay equals less money to pay for loans, and less money to enjoy. This also means that no quality time to spend with kids, or get to know them, every interaction just consists of shallow stuff like how was school, did you get top grades, you’re not doing hard enough, stuff like that. Pretty shallow, if there even has any kind of interaction. Most of the time, they bring home extra work, so good luck getting some form of help with school. Of course, again, I am basing these on my own experiences, so you might wanna take a look at your own life experiences and compare them, see what makes sense aka what resonates.

For me, what I find really hard and painful is that I just cannot connect with my parents. And they have no intention of connecting with me in any way, shape or form. I have always been very keen and vocal on what I want, what I need, why I hate things, why I love things, why I hate getting hugs and kisses from my boomer parents’ friends, how I get bullied at school or elsewhere everyday, and why for some reason I could strongly feel the hidden intent of everybody, which is why I hate going out in public as well. Of course, telling these things to boomer parents can be a source of nightmares, because they would simply tell you that YOU ARE WRONG. Period. No questions asked. THEIR WORDS ARE AUTHORITY. Because for boomer parents, their children are just EXTENSIONS  OF THEMSELVES, and THUS THESE CHILDREN HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO EXPRESS ANY OPINIONS THAT DIFFER FROM THEIR OWN BECAUSE THEY ARE DEEMED INCAPABLE OF THINKING for THEMSELVES. Basically boomer parents assume that their children will always agree with them, thus bypassing the need to confirm and verify their actual wants and needs, even if in reality the children have actually very opposing and differing ideas. Hence the boomer parent tagline “I KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF” comes to mind. If the boomer parent does actually receive very, very differing and even polarized opinions from their children because they kept assuming that they know what the kids want or know, THESE people will always find a way to tell you that what you feel, what you hear, what you know ARE ALL WRONG. They will always tell you that YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCES IN LIFE SO DON’T EVEN BOTHER TELLING THEM THINGS THAT THEY WILL NEVER AGREE ON. Everything that they know is fixed and anything that contradicts their knowledge is JUST WRONG. Yep. Even more so if your parents are teachers, and because they teach other people and have high authority over them, they have grown accustomed to the identity of just being accepted without any complaints or dissention. A really horrible combo when you’re a genetically rebellious kid and your parents are boomers. What’s even more ironic is that they’re always out when you need people in your life, so you go to whoever is available to help you, thus you forge better connections outside your home, and in turn you absorb the ideologies of other people, because they make sense to you a whole lot more than what your boomer parents believe in. And yet they would and will always dare tell you that you’re basically not their child because you think so very differently from them. lol the irony is never lost on me. I find it usually funny when I exercise my Gemini detachments but when I fall into my Cancer abyss (it sucks to be a Cancer Venus) I just get all downtrodden and yeah, waterworks spill out. I had the cursed fate of having academic people as my boomer parents so I really had zero chances of being heard and understood. Even now. So in the end, why even bother?

IF you ask me, it’s because of the social conditioning of LOVING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS EVEN IF THEY DON’T LOVE YOU BACK, AND DO NOT SUPPORT YOU NOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS is a very, very strong factor. Never mind the toxicity of relationships, I mean, those toxic relationships were very well-forged during childhood, so those things become quite normal, even if they should never even be to begin with. That is something that I have seen not just with myself but with a lot of people. People who keep putting up with jerks. People who end up in dead-end jobs and seeing the light in their eyes slowly die. Even worse, people who got hurt so much by others that they literally turn into the very thing that hurt them the most. It’s just so painful to see all of these, all because of the skewed ideals that FAMILIES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER THROUGH EVERYTHING. ALWAYS SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, even if they do you wrong. Even if they treat you like dirt. Even if they just suck the life out of you. Even if they just use you as an emotional crutch. Even if they don’t see you for who you are. Even if you mean nothing more than a tax break to them. 

I apologize for sounding like a ranting, ungrateful lunatic but I just had to let that out.I just feel so dead inside just typing all of those up, because to be honest, I got a lot more moral support from a random dude that I chatted with and never remembered the identity of ever again, than my own kin. Honestly, I’m about to turn into my mid-30s by 2020 and yet I still have to deal with these so much issues from my past while still doing my best to live and even thrive on this 3-dimensional realm, and for me, having to look at what screwed me up while NOT PUTTING BLAME on my boomer parents have been the most taxing thing I had to do since trying to win even an ounce of their affection way, way back. I am literally one heartstring away from giving up. I have been trying to see the light and to be honest, I can’t right now. What bothers me even more is that a lot of the spiritual community posts, articles, and videos kept invalidating the shitty stuff that happened to me when I was a lot younger, and the phrases that say “That is for the highest good, all are one, we are all from Source, everything is for the expansion of the Creator” seriously if I’m not in the best mood and my friendly demons have been running amok in my head because I haven’t played with them for a while, I would shun these posts and think that I would very much want to shove them all down in a tight box and throw that into an exploding volcano like seriously I don’t need this kind of crap right now. 

So if you’re in that phase right now, don’t worry, I got your back, you’re not going crazy, what you feel is valid because feelings rarely lie, if they ever do. You are beautiful, handsome, wonderful and awesome, and what you feel is not what you are. It’s OK to fray, as long as to your true self, you stay.

Well I hope that affirmation above calmed you down.

To sum up the boomer issue post:

This is mostly a post for the people who have been swimming upstream because the world we live in has really gone down to the dogs. Nothing makes sense and despite being silenced we strive to make ourselves heard and be known. For typical renegades and rebels, having issues with authority is one of their key themes in life, and in all honesty this can actually break them. Even just having them heard would mean a lot, but if you have boomer parents, well you’re better off signing up to go to Mars, you have better chances with that. This is because most of the boomer parents or even authority figures in general are not the kind of people that would readily give in to others that disagree with them, or even want to work with other people by sharing the space, the power, and the control. They likely see this as a threat to everything that they have done in the past, and as such, anyone and anything that strongly opposes their beliefs will ultimately end up getting crashed and burned, with no questions asked. Unless you vagrantly manipulate them by stoking their fragile ego like sucking up to them and agreeing with them all the time. They’re not that impenetrable as they want you to believe, but then again, why would you even use such low-vibrational tactics when you can just move on from them altogether. Their time on earth is pretty much near the end of their rope so just let them have their moment, and focus on yourself instead. Lay your foundation of living your best and highest-vibrational life. Or at the very least, just living an honest life and living your inner truth, guided by your highest and true Self. The joy you will find from that will be so much more worth it, so I support you in that goal.

Thank you so very much for stopping by, and reading this very long, personal post, and I pray that you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above, I remain your Soul sibling,

Mikazuki

[skelenyxx]

//hesitation// ~ I’ll Save You

//No turning back now, I'm moving ahead toward the way out. Don't you hate how, We get left behind in the fallout.//

/*/

A couple more weeks passed. Everything still seemed to be moving painstakingly slow, despite my newfound determination. I still hardy slept, and I still had trouble focusing on class and training, but I was trying, and that was better than anything before I made my promise to Izuku.

I still visited him in the hospital regularly, wracking my brain for any way that I could help him. I scoured the internet for options, but despite my determination, deep down I knew that there was nothing medicine could do. Not even Recovery girl could bring him back.

But I didn't give up. Even if there was no obvious answer at the moment, I knew I had to keep searching, keep trying. If it were me, Izuku would never give up. I owed it to him to keep trying, even if it took me the rest of my life.

And so yet again, I sat in that sterile hospital room, seated beside his bed, my head in my hands as I cursed myself for being so completely useless. What kind of hero can't even save their best friend? All that training and I ended up completely useless. Izuku took the fall for my failed plan in that fight. Nobody vocalized it, but we all knew that Izuku would still be here if I hadn't done what I had, if I hadn't gotten so bold.

"You'll never be a hero, no matter how hard you try."

The words came back to me, and I quickly shook my head, forcing the memory away. I could be a hero, I had to believe that. Izuku believed in me, as did Shoto, Iida, Ochako, and the rest of my friends.

Even if I did nearly get someone killed.

Very often, I wished All Might were still here. He may have been bad at teaching, but he gave great pep talks. He could've said something inspiring that would push me to find my heart again, reminded me of what I could still do. But, who knows, maybe he would've blamed me too. I did put his successor in a coma, after all.

I glanced up at the figure lying in the bed, and I felt my chest constrict again as it so usually did when I looked at him. His cheeks had sunken drastically, casting a dark shadow over his usually bright and smiling face. He had changed so much since I'd met him two and half years ago.  He'd always been a bit taller than me, but now he was much taller, pushing towards six feet tall, with a lean yet muscular build.  His face filled out so it was no longer the soft, round face that I'd met as a 9th grader, but now with a strong jawline and cheekbones.  His hair was still the same strange shade of green and as untruly as ever, but it was shorter than it used to be, which gave him a more mature look.  It was crazy seeing how much he'd grown, but then again, so had I. It was hard to believe we were both 18 now.

"What would you do, Izuku?" I asked aloud, knowing I wouldn't receive an answer. "Tch," I clicked my tongue at myself. "I must sound crazy, asking you. It's not like you can answer me." I wondered about what he was experiencing, being in a coma. Was it like sleeping? Was he dreaming? Or was it almost like dying, where it was just... nothingness? Did he know what had happened to him, and was he truly fighting to come back to us, or did he have no control at all and was at the mercy of his own body? The last thought scared me, because if that were the case, then it was truly unlikely that I would ever see him awake again.

I took a shaky breath, forcing myself to think about something else. Thinking about the extreme possibility of Izuku never waking up just made me feel helpless, and to keep my promise to him I had to look forward and stay positive. Besides, I didn't want Shoto and the others worrying about my mental health anymore than they already did.

A glance at the clock on the wall made me click my tongue in annoyance again, realizing that they still hadn't fixed it from a few days ago when it stopped at 3:03, but judging by the sight of the sun setting over the city, it was time I begin to head back to the dorms. I used to stay late until visiting hours were over, but a rather confrontational conversation with Katsuki made me realize that I ought to be more considerate of my classmates.

"You need to stop staying out so late, you idiot," he had chastised me after waiting up for me in the common room a few days after my conversation with Shoto. "People need to sleep, dumbass."

"You don't have to stay up waiting for me, Kaachan," I mumbled, using the nickname that I had picked up from Izuku a couple years back and was never quite able to shake from my vocabulary.

"You're right, I don't, but the others are going to keep waiting up for you every night until they see you come back safe because they're worried about you for some fucking reason," he growled in annoyance, standing up and stalking towards me. "They need their sleep and it's pretty fucking inconsiderate that you're not taking into account how much sleep they're missing while waiting for you. Deku isn't going anywhere, so it couldn't kill you to come back at a decent fucking hour."

Katsuki acted like an ass, and had apparently been a lot worse before I met him, but he cared, even if he had a weird way of showing it. And his words reminded me that I was, in fact, being selfish. I was focused on my own pain, my own worries, not even paying attention to the fact that my classmates were worried about me and going out of their way to look out for me and my well being. After that, I began coming back to the dorms earlier, before everyone had gone to bed. The class had been pretty shocked to see me the first day I came back early, which wasn't all that surprising since most of them literally didn't see me anywhere other than class despite living in the same building.

"Ava's back?" Mina had practically screeched, throwing herself at me in a tight embrace. "I never get to see you anymore, you're always visiting Midoriya," she continued in a whine.

Mina's words only confirmed what Katsuki had reminded me; I was worrying my classmates, and even if I was off track to graduating in the spring, I should at least remove myself from their list of concerns so that they could focus on what was to come.

Ochako and Iida had ultimately been right; being around my classmates and near my friends had improved my mood, at least a little. They were just as vivacious and fun as they had been when I first met them at the end of our 9th grade year, and that joy was truly infectious sometimes. They were truly all going to make great Pro Heroes.

That wasn't to say they weren't all concerned about Izuku. I knew the smiles and fun was genuine, but I could see it in all of their eyes whenever his condition came up as a topic of conversation. They were as worried as I was, they just had a different way of showing it.

I stood up from my seat, sighing as I grabbed my bag from the floor beside me.  Tomorrow would be Saturday, which meant I could come earlier in the day to see Izuku.  With any luck, I'd be able to see Mrs. Midoriya as well, who'd been in and out earlier in the day when I was still stuck in class.

I moved swiftly down the hospital hallway, hoping to get to the next bus before it arrived in five minutes.  My mind elsewhere, I didn't notice the young woman stand up from her chair in the waiting room, and I found myself colliding into her, knocking the papers from her hands and scattering them across the linoleum floor like flower petals in the wind.

"O-Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I apologized profusely, immediately crouching down to begin picking up her stuff.

"Oh, don't worry about it," she responded kindly, also crouching to begin grabbing them.  "I should've been watching what was around me."

"No, no," I shook my head, handing her the papers I had gathered.  "I was in a hurry and wasn't paying attention."

She smiled as she stood up, her dark hair framing her round face.  Recognition sparked in her eyes and her smile suddenly grew even wider.

"You're that young hero from UA!" she exclaimed.  "Angel Blade, right?"

I sighed internally, but smiled kindly anyway.  "Yes, that's me."

"You were amazing in the fight in Tokyo, against the League of Villains.  Your quirk is so powerful.  I'm so jealous of it!"

I'd always felt a little uncomfortable with the praise of the media.  To me, it felt undeserved, and I guess in a way I was a lot like Mr. Aizawa.  I didn't care for being fawned over just because I was trying to help people.  "It's nothing to be jealous of, really," I admitted.

"I think it is!  You're going to make a great Pro, you and that one kid with the green hair.  What was his name?  Deku, wasn't it?"

I realized I was running short on time to catch the bus, and although I appreciated this woman's enthusiasm, I didn't have much time for it.  "Yeah, that's him," I smiled.  "Uh, I'm sorry, but I really have to go.  I have to-"

She grabbed my wrist, her demeanor suddenly changing from excitement to seriousness.  "Wait," she interrupted me.  "I'm sorry, you probably get a lot of that.  I just... I wanted to say thank you.  You, Deku, and the rest of your team, you saved my life that night."

"We did?" I paused, suddenly listening intently to her words.  I hadn't had the opportunity to interact with any of the victims from that night, other than from the news, and hearing her perspective of that night did mean a lot to me, even if I wasn't one to enjoy public interaction.

"Yeah, I mean, it was the other group of students that pulled me from the rubble of one of the buildings, but you guys were the ones who stopped Shigaraki, and gosh, most of you nearly died in the process.  If you hadn't been there that night, I would've died.  I'm actually really glad I got to run into you.  Um, if it's at all possible, could you also extend my thanks to the others, and especially Deku?"

I was going to respond with a simple yes, that I would relay her words of thanks, but my expression told more than I intended, and realization struck her again.

"Oh," she breathed.  "Deku is the student that's still hospitalized, isn't he?  Well I guess that makes sense, considering how badly he was injured.  Is that why you're here right now?  Were you visiting him?"

Flustered by how perceptive and unconsciously prying she was, I managed to stutter out a response.  "I-I'm not supposed to discuss his condition w-with anyone."

"Right, right," she facepalmed.  "I'm sorry, I forget how secretive UA is about their students.  I was just asking because, well, you see," she glanced around, like she was afraid of being overheard, before lowering her voice and uttering her next words.  "I can help him."

I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure of her statement, but regardless, I felt my heart leap into my throat.  She could help him?  How?  Even the doctors couldn't do anything, so how could she?  "What do you mean?"

"My quirk," she whispered in response.  "I don't know what his condition is exactly, but I can use my quirk to help him."  She could probably tell how skeptical I was of her statement by the look on my face.  "Look, I know you don't know me and you have no reason to trust what I'm saying, but you guys saved my life. It would be the least that I could do to repay him for it. So please," she smiled kindly again, "I only want to help."

"I..." I wasn't sure how to respond. I'd spent so much time researching to find a way to help him, and then by chance, someone who supposedly had the ability to do just that practically falls into my lap? It felt surreal, almost too good to be true. My heart was screaming at me, pounding in my chest as though it were crying out for me to accept her offer, to let her help him.

But I hesitated. Using a quirk for something like this if you aren't certified is very illegal. I of all people knew that very well. Yes I was desperate to help Izuku, but could I condone breaking the law?

"I'm sorry," I said after a moment. "But I can't allow that. Using your quirk for something like that, even with the best intentions, is illegal. I appreciate the offer, but I can't say yes."

She sighed, nodding in understanding. "I should've figured that'd be your answer. Regardless," she whipped a pen out of her bag and scribbled something on the corner of one of her papers before ripping it off and handing it to me. "If you change your mind, please don't hesitate to text or call me. Repaying him and you for everything you've done would mean the world to me."

/*/

I laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling with the faint street lights filtering through the curtains.  Glancing at the clock, I could see it was late, way later than I should've been up, but I couldn't settle my mind enough to sleep.

It was silent in the building, all of my classmates and friends having gone to bed hours ago. I could hear my breath, in and out, and my mind whirled with thoughts. The dark encased me like a cocoon, trapping me inside the room I had once felt so comfortable in. What was I supposed to do? What was the right answer?

Was there a right answer?

I hadn't been able to suppress the guilt that had begun to drown me the moment I turned down the young woman's offer at the hospital. I knew that it was illegal and wrong to allow her to use her quirk, but what else had I been expecting to do if I found a way to help him? Was I truly gutless enough to not take the chance because it was against the rules?

I knew Izuku, Shoto, and Iida had gotten in trouble in their first year for unlicensed quirk usage, and hell, I was one of the only people that knew about it. Those three knew first hand the issues that could arise by doing such a thing. If we flaunt and break the rules because it suits our needs, well, that's something only villains do.

I knew Iida would be against it immediately, and likely, so would Ochako. Aspiring heroes need to be outstanding examples of following and upholding the law. Breaking it breaks my promise as a young hero to society to do just that. Granted, Iida has always been a stickler on the rules. Sometimes he really does act like he has a stick up his ass, but for good reason.

I wasn't exactly sure what Shoto would think. He cared about Izuku's well being just as much as I did, and he wasn't exactly shy of breaking or bending the rules if it meant doing the right thing, but would this qualify as doing the right thing? Shoto would do a lot of things, but would he be willing to do what I'm considering doing? I had considered telling him about what had happened at the hospital, seeing what he had to say, but when I came face to face with him when I got back to the dorms, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. He was one of my closest friends, and I could tell him almost anything, but it felt wrong to further involve him in all of this. His mom was set to be released from the hospital within the next week. He was still dealing with the repercussions of his father's death, and what it meant for him and his family. I didn't want him to concern himself with any of this more than he already was. He, like everyone else, was concerned about Izuku, but adding illegal usage of a quirk in order to somehow save him shouldn't be added on top of it. This was my concern and mine alone.

So then the question arose: what would Izuku do? He had broken the rules so many times over the years in order to do what was right, but if I were the one in that hospital bed and he were the one faced with the decision of whether to break the law for the chance to save me, or to wait to find another option or until I woke up, would he do it?

In my mind's eye, I could picture it, me lying in a hospital bed and him, sitting at my bedside, eyebrows knit in determination. I could hear his voice, making the same vow I had.

I'll save you.

And suddenly, I knew the answer. He would do it, without a doubt, because Izuku was that kind of person. He didn't care about what it meant for himself, whether it meant risking or sacrificing his life, or hell, even breaking the law. If it meant saving someone, he would do it in a heartbeat.

If I lost my chance to be a hero for this decision, then in the end, it didn't matter to me, as long as he was okay. What happened to me was of no consequence, not in comparison to his life.

I turned over, reaching across my bed and grabbing my phone from my nightstand and typing a text to the number I had already save in my contacts.

"So tell me about this quirk of yours that can save Deku."

[rangergirl3]

Oi. Holidays.

I do enjoy them, but...eh. Some days they feel a bit like a two-edged sword.

See, there are so many platitudes out there about ‘the true joy of the holidays is being with family’, and it’s just so damn painful to see that mentality freaking everywhere, especially since I find certain holiday themes acutely painful.

Not like, ‘Oh geez it’s so bad why does everyone believe this?!’ painful, but more like “Well, that’s a nice message...which...I wish were true in some cases.”

For example - and this might sound strange, but I can’t really watch ‘Home Alone’ anymore, even though it’s a comedy. 

The reason why I don’t watch it?

It’s because the mom moves heaven and earth to get back home to her son, which, you know, is great...but whenever I think about how much she wanted to get home, I get this intense pain in my chest because I know my mom wouldn’t have done the same thing. If anything, she would have just screamed at me whenever she got back for ‘messing it all up and making her miss her expensive vacation’. 

I guess it’s hypothetically possible that as a Christmas ‘present’, she might have refrained from hitting me, but I can’t say for certain. You never knew what might set her off - although ‘making her look bad’ in front of the grandparents was always a short-cut to majorly pissing her off. (Her image was, and still is, everything to her). 

To be honest, I never liked being home as a kid because she and my father could do or say anything to me and if I did anything to try and defend myself, they’d tell me I was ‘over-reacting’ and to ‘stop making such a big deal out things’.

Yeah, Mom, because your eleven-year-old recoiling from you when you’re screaming and moving towards her with one arm pulled back and ready to strike is totally ‘over-reacting’. 

Just like her starting to cry when you scream at her for being a ‘pig’ when she had ‘too many brownies’ at a friend’s house is completely within your ‘rights’ as a parent who’s ‘only concern is for her daughter’s health’.

*attempts to reign in the sarcasm, barely succeeds, and breathes in deeply through nose, intently focusing on the main issue at hand*

God, what a frickin’ bitch.

*attempts to breathe out the fury and steeples fingers*

Put simply, she and my father are, quite literally, one hell of a pair.

I’ve gone into the details before.

But, the short version: it took me almost thirty years, but I finally realized that the last thing my parents want is me. They’d much rather have an obedient puppet on a string that tells them just how wonderful they were as parents.

No, no, you read that right. It’s crazy, but yeah. They still demand affirmation. Affection. Loyalty. Undying and mindless cheering of their parenting skills, past and present.

Whooo boy, did they get a can of whoop-ass instead. :-)

As a lot of you know, I put my foot down and told each of them that as things currently stand, they will have no contact with our daughter. As you might expect, that got quite the wounded reaction from them (it’s all subtext, but here’s the gist:

yada yada yada ‘this is so hard for us’ blah blah blah ‘we don’t understand’ blugh blugh blech ‘we did our best’

Me: *in subtext*: ahahaahaha No, no you’re both just assholes. Now go and practice the crocodile tears act somewhere else. You’re killing my lawn.

etc, etc. Yes, it’s all bullshit, but hey. That’s what I’ve come to expect from the two people who raised me. Eventually, I just got sick of putting up with their egos, and...when I walked away, they didn’t know how to deal. 

Not that they’ve learned how to, but the good news is: It’s not my problem. :D

Btw, when I didn’t sugar-coat the word ‘abusive’ (really, there’s no way to do that, but, you know, they’d rather I have tried), both my mother and father decided that they’d rather focus on their various ‘religious endeavors’ than try and fix their relationship with me. No surprise there. They like looking well-put together and holy. *mutters swear words because that’s not how a healthy religion is supposed to work*

But anyway, for them, that means that my father is now studying in Italy to become a canon lawyer (because that won’t backfire spectacularly in his stupid fucking face) and my mother is his ‘emotional support’ while he ‘undertakes this grand new endeavor’ (aka runs from his problems like he always does, in the name of God, theocracy, and narcissism)

*rolls eyes* See, it’s knowing that I grew up with this kind of insane mentality  that makes me wish I could have a nice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade (or four). But that’s out until baby comes, so...punching a pillow it is. 

*picks up a pillow and, with a dead-pan expression, punches it with enough force to send it across the room*

Pro tip: Pregnant women are not to be messed with. Ever.

Especially when it’s the holidays and all they want to do is nest and enjoy time with friends/sane members of the family.

[xflower-childx]

You can’t have the Rainbow without the Rain

It's funny because when I share the adventures from this past week everyone assumes I'm in such a bad headspace and that I'm so torn down by it, when honestly I feel such a weight lifted. Yes it's been stressful, and I've had a few breakdowns but honestly... I'm happy and God I've felt so much more free this week and I can breathe. L brought me more stress than comfort. I was always on edge and feared my words, actions, and future when it came to living with her. I always felt this form of spite from her, but after talking with my boss she thinks it came from jealousy, which makes me laugh because I can't see why someone could be jealous of me. I mean... I'm an incredibly broke bitch just trying to get through life. Thinking on it more though I can see it in a way, from messages I've gotten from her to her all around attitude. She never left the house for her, she only left for her parents, the grocery store, or a fucked up ex or two she never cut off. She only ever moped around, rarely did her stay at home job, and took all of her dad's money. She never cared about herself and was more negative than I was in Middle school. Which says A LOT. I would always invite her out on my hikes, runs to town, or even outings with friends and she would say no with some negative comment about herself or say 'Daddy needs me to go run to this, this and that store and mom needs her Taco Bell and I just hurt so bad and my head is pounding and I feel like ass'. I would ask why her father couldn't do his own errands (which honestly... he NEVER did but also he's working to provide for him, his wife and their 35 year old CHILD after triple bypass surgery) and she would make some comment about how they won't always be around and she has to help them, but honestly... If she ran errands for them she could buy for herself as well.

I hate to sit here and speak so negatively of her but I know she did the same while kicking me out. Two wrongs don't make a right of course but... I dunno M&M has agreed that she lost her fucking mind this past week especially and it probably was part of changing up her meds which of course she has a million medications so it wouldn't surprise me. I had suggested she goes to a therapist which she nearly did but always blamed it on the VA and them not calling her or something along those lines. There was always an excuse though. For everything.

I remember having so many talks with her about trying to do better and actually care about herself and her future. She would make these baby steps forward and be so close to doing something good for herself but then she would have a night terror, headache, bad thought or text from her toxic boy toy and then it would be ten steps backwards straight to crying in bed. It was such heavy negative energy my empathetic ass was draining close to empty all the time. I would encourage us to eat something good, healthy, and filling and even make it but then she would order Papa John's with 'Daddys' money.

I know I have a bad habit of wanting to 'Fix' people but I just don't like seeing the people I care about hurting. I hate knowing that they can do such simple small things things to help make a big impact in their life and mental health but just won't do it and say they can't. I am always happy to help encourage them and I'm all about being the hype girl for my tribe. I'm all for bringing out the best in them and watching them succeed and sharing how proud I am of them. It brings me such Joy because seeing them being proud of themselves is the greatest. I feel it for them... And when L felt it for herself It made me the happiest because I also felt all her self hate. I remember my first months there confusing her self hatred for my own. It was this odd feeling because I felt like I had moved past that point within myself. The point of literally hating every aspect of myself from looks to personality. It didn't make sense because I do see the beauty in myself at this point and I see the good I bring. So for me to have mistaken the opposite of everything I had worked so hard to improve for my own it had really brought me down and confused me. Of course I took myself to the mountains at that point and did some reflection and worked on figuring out where my head was and why it was diving into such a dark place again. It worked and I realized I didn't have these issues of self loathing with myself, it was me sucking in all of L's negativity and taking it as my own. This also started to happen more and more. Thankfully I had figured it out and worked on blocking it out by creating a force field around myself so it wouldn't be so bad. This ended up creating a lot of trips to the mountains and staying in my room more than being social with her which I never want for my living arrangement.

I love NC, I'm incredibly happy with the place I am at with myself and how I've fought to get where I am. I know I have more growing to do, and more to learn but ultimately I'm happy and I don't really care to allow any negativity to ruin that. I know that when L first told me to leave she wanted me to fight back and beg to stay but I'm sick of begging for basic love and care from people, so I accepted it because I didn't deserve the way she handled everything and I knew I needed to get out of a toxic situation for my own health.

So where does that leave me now? Well currently I’m stalling on writing a letter to L to maybe help band aid some of the crazy drama as I can’t leave the friendship we had be completely destroyed. I’m with M&M and I have been slowly moving stuff downtown to my new place with a really cool new roommate who is the complete opposite of L which truly excites me, shes super low maintenance and the house is close if not over 100 years old. Its also painted rainbow colors and in the heart of downtown. I see a new chapter and I’m so open and ready for it. I see new friends and new experiences, Maybe even some traveling? I do have my mind still set on going to Asheville but I’m not rushing that just yet. Ideally by the end of the year, but January is only just coming to a close so we still have some time there. Also I”m still so open to anywhere else time takes me. Asheville is just a place to help me remember not to stay in WS,

I also wouldn’t mind opening up the dating door more. It’s been open of course but I also know this move could make meeting people easier in a sense. There is a guy who I’ve discovered having quite a bit in common with and we have enjoyed talking to each other and when we finally met up things went pretty well, a little awkward because that’s just how I am, but well... Until L showed up and wouldn’t shut up and then also the whole kicking out happened and my communication with everyone kinda fell to even more shitty than it typically is.

I just know that I do kinda want someone, someone to do something but also nothing with, someone to cheer each other on, and travel about. I want a person but I also want a person that wants me. I am perfectly content in my own space and prefer it most of the time, but I do want to share existence with someone and I don’t close anyone off, and maybe my friend D isn’t that person (Even though we share a lot of the same goals, music, and views) but the thought excites me again, being wanted and cared for, especially being that I kinda know how to be wanted and cared for in a sense.

Before I wrap this up though I wanted to share final thoughts with an R update for myself. I sort of feel hypocritical with the way I speak of L and her relationship with Florida dude. Granted he is far more toxic than I feel R could ever be in my case but I put that on us having a genuine relationship at one point. I did reach out when I had hit a wall this week and no, I don’t regret it, I just needed a friend, someone who I felt didn’t think I was terrible and could provide a song or two to help pull me out of wanting to just throw in the towel and leave the state. Did he provide that? Eh, not really. I feel if he wanted to be there for me more he would have been. I gave conversation and he didn’t really give back, which is fine of course as he is perfectly allowed to not be in my life if he doesn’t care to be. I honestly felt the same when Lil pup was super sick. He could have been there, but he chose not to be.

I know that I always had this silly little thought that maybe someday it would be us but with each failed text conversation I see that image break and break along with every realization of his lack of want to keep me in his life in anyway. Of course its my own silly stupidity to think that we could ever be endgame or friends or even acquaintances, but its always so hard to let go of something you cherish so much. I know that people leave your life and you just have to let them, but maybe its that I always wanted someone to want me in this way so its hard to let go, which is almost funny because he never even had this kind of want for me. I don’t really want to let go but I know I have to for someone to want me in the way I want to be wanted and needed. I also know that I do think about him, our time and stupid ‘what ifs’ more than I should because again, I see no future there when the other half of this duo doesn’t either.

These thoughts will fade with time of course and when someone truly steps up to love me the way I deserve, to travel, cook, and do everything and nothing with me. To see how rare I am and appreciate having me around the way he didn’t. This person will fight to be in my life the way I fought for someone who doesn’t want me in there’s, except I will accept their love and make sure they know I want it so they won’t have to fight so hard.

I know I miss him, or more of who we were when we were on top of the world in the boring state of Florida. I don’t really remember that all anymore though and I will continue to remember less and less of the good, which sucks because it appears only the bad will continue to remain sadly with no good left in its wake. I tried. I really did. I had hoped we could see and be on top of the world at some point but I know that’s another silly thought. If I have learned anything from all the drama this past week it’s that you can’t make people care if they don’t want to.You’ll just hurt yourself trying. I’m just exhausted at this point.

So I hope he is happy. I really do. I hope he’s happy where he is at physically and mentally. I hope he is finally a lot more comfortable in his own skin, which I know everyday is different and I don’t think he will ever be perfectly happy within himself in that way but I hope he has more good days than bad. I hope he finally allows himself to love again, and I hope she is nice, pretty, and is good. No more fake toxic bitches, but he has a taste so... Who knows. Either way, I hope he will finally love himself enough to share his love, because I know he has fantastic love to give.

Two days later and this is finally written, at least most of it. I need to get more writing out but I better write L that letter before I talk myself out of it. I’m kind of over being the good adult here but thankfully her drama is over... For now at least. I’m scared to see what shit she will say back after. Also bitch took my avocado container and ice pack >.>

Alright but here we go 2020. The year of growing in the kitchen, traveling not just the US but also internationally, moving out of WS, learning to rock climb, maybe finding some love? No rush with that as it shouldn’t be, but I’m very open to it :)   BUT it’s the year of good. I’m still happy, positive, and here. It’ll be a good year!

[these-are-the-first-steps]

I was unaware you live in New York. Would you mind me asking what it's like there? As someone who's only been once and doesn't really know anyone there, it's always been a curiosity of mine. No pressure if you aren't up for talking about it. Hope the transition of your roommate moving on goes smoothly. And I hope you yourself are okay.

Hey anon! Oh man, where to start…..as a transplant, my perspective will be different from a native, who would grow almost blind to the daily negative aspects of this place. (in the past, I have literally been told by natives that I’d ‘learn to just ignore all the homeless people’. I’ve been told that multiple times by multiple people. It doesn’t get any easier, though)The Negatives:

-It’s pretty filthy.-The trains run 24h but what good is that when after midnight it’s a train an hour that goes one stop before suddenly declaring it’s the last stop and everybody has to get off? ughhhhh-The homeless population is out of control. I was told by native new yorkers that this is because of cuts in the past few years to hospitals and rehab/mental health facilities and it shows- most of the homeless are literally out of their minds and it’s incredibly sad. -If someone doesn’t ask you for money on any given day, it’s because you never left your house.-Rats. A city-wide pastime to observe, especially while waiting for the train.-The cops are premadonnas. I’ve never seen such a self-important group of police officers in my life. This also extends to other emergency services personnel as well. I’ve seen police turn on their sirens when someone wasn’t moving fast enough at an intersection for them. I’ve seen fire engines blare their emergency sirens just so they can reach their lunch spot faster. I’ve seen ambulances blare their sirens to leave starbucks faster and no, there was no emergency because they casually, half dressed, piled back in their truck- they just didn’t want traffic in front of them. It is, in a word, ridiculous and an embarrassment. -You regularly hear the phrase “Greatest City on Earth” or some variation thereof and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just one giant sarcastic in-joke to say that. I have been assured, however, that it is not. -They recently jacked up the subway pass prices. Now, from my experience in other countries, the NYC subway system is the cheapest there is, but considering how gross, filthy, smelly, BROKEN, and never EVER on time it is with zero hope of fixing this literally antique toy train system we ride every day, there is no reason to raise the prices. None. -The rent is too damn high.-Food prices are too damn high.-Starbucks is literally the cheapest ice coffee in town barring food truck ice coffees. Even cheaper than Dunkin Donuts. That should speak volumes about the prices around here.-Sirens. All the time. -Other things I probably can’t think of or have blocked out right now. The Positives:

-People are way nicer and helpful than reputed to be. Even on the train, commuters are happy to help you find your way in the repetitive rat maze that is the subway system.-Nearly all the clothing brands you love are here. -SO many cool old brownstones. As someone from the south where the aesthetic is wide houses with beautiful columns out front, I still stare up in wonder at them, especially in ultra fancy neighborhoods where the brownstones are crazy decorative- one near me even has like turret towers on it full of stained glass. Just beautiful.-The Metropolitan Museum of Art is INSANE. They have a whole house that they brought into the museum. They have an entire Ptolemaic temple they brought inside the museum. I still haven’t seen everything in the damn thing and I’m a member. -There are a lot of museums and I still need to see all of them. -You will get in shape from walking so much. NYC is a city with an all-around more fit population due to all the walking which is nice. -The bridges here are pretty cool-There is a cable tram that goes over the east river you can ride with your regular metro card. It only goes to Roosevelt Island but that’s still pretty cool.-Central Park sucks but Prospect Park is 1000% better and more awesome- the only bit of genuine-looking woods in the city I think. Designed by the same guy as Central Park, he considered Prospect Park an improvement of his past design of Central and it certainly is that. -It’s not hard to leave the city if you really want to. I think if you had the cash to spare, you could easily rent a car and go upstate where there are actual woods and nicer things to look at. Or out to Long Island if you don’t want to stray that far- a nice compromise. -Amtrak can take you to any major city in the Northeast including DC without need for a car.-I can do the work I love here. -You are going to know at least one person who does a show somewhere, giving you an excuse to look cool and say at least a couple times that you can’t do X because your friend is doing a show that night. -The people out here are ALWAYS doing something interesting. ALWAYS. -If you are dogged and persistent, you can do exactly what you want to do in life out here. But you MUST be DOGGED AND PERSISTENT. -There is full-blown winter and snow out here, which I love. -I have to mention the people again- I’ve met some cool people out here, ESPECIALLY once I quit my shitty job. Man have the people around me drastically improved in so, so many ways….Aaaaand that’s my list! xD I did not include food in either list. The reason is this: NYC is so over-saturated with food places, between restaurants and food trucks, that the overall quality of food in this city is really low. Like really, really low. Because there are SO many places doing the same thing, no one bothers competing- they just churn out knowing no matter what they’ll generally get business from all the masses of people floating through. Food that isn’t crap costs exponentially more. I can get a box of excellent lebanese food back home for $6 that’ll last me for two days. If I were to get that same quality of food- falafels that don’t fucking suck and taste like cardboard- I’d have to put out $14. So food is a real gray area for me here, because it’s SO hard to find quality food that actually tastes good and that is still cheap. Really, really hard. It’s a constant search. Anyway, hope this was interesting/helpful! Again, this is just from my perspective- others’ perspectives will be different from mine and that’s ok. I’m not claiming at all that anything in my list is gospel. It’s just my observations as someone from a different region of the country and also someone who’s lived overseas for several years/visited other countries and has somewhat set preferences for things. I mean…when you go from living in a country with spotless train stations with impeccable timetables, it’s hard to adjust to the gross russian-roulette that is the MTA, etc. Ok I’m done. x.xPS: Everyone in this city is terrified of raccoons, and as a southerner, I can’t roll my eyes and/or laugh harder. The other day there was an article about a squirrel attacking people in a park and it was city-wide news to watch out for this one uber squirrel. I mean…..it’s really amazing. xD

[sorceressmidnight]

Midnight Sorceress

Chapter: 5/? [1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - ?]

Chapter 5: Look At You!

Words: 2925

Warnings: Some cursing, self harm mentions, depressive break down

Primarily following the events of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it revolves around an original character.

Description as posted on ao3:  A member of SHIELD is forced to struggle with her mental stability and keeping her secret as the craziness surrounding the Avengers crashes around her. She ends up befriending Tony and Pepper, who help out her mental health a great deal, but will they be able to help her with her secret? Something that could destroy her if she uses it too much… What will happen when Tony tries to convince her to use it to help the Avengers?

Read on ao3: here

Tags: @txnystarkimagines @h0bsyrup

Hit me up if you want to be tagged in future chapters.

This chapter happens after Captain America Winter Soldier.

Wow, it's been forever since I've written in here… So, uh… Tony is fine and well, despite his stupidity. I've been spending a lot of time with them lately. Tony told me that I had drunkenly showed off my powers… I was pretty mad and upset when I found out, but he insisted on trying to develop something so that I could use my powers without exhausting myself… I'm not sure how that's going to work out, but I'm willing to try it.

“Nat… I don't have anywhere to go to… I've lived here since I started…” Kiana whimpered, tears streaming down her face. Natasha pulled her into a hug, gently petting her as she cried. “Why don't you ask Tony? I haven't seen you happier in the longest time since you've been hanging out with him and Pepper.” She smiled down at her, pulling out a napkin to wipe the tears from her face. “But everyone's going to find out about my powers! I… I…” she began to hyperventilate as she struggled to talk, gripping the other tightly. “Shhh, sweetie. I deleted everything about you and Sammy from the files. I know how much it means to both of you. I would never let anyone put you in harms way,” she squeezed her tightly, trying to help her calm down from her slight panic attack. “What about Sammy?! I… I can't let her go back to-” She pressed her forefinger against her lips, pulling her head down to rest on her chest and gently petting her again. “I made some arrangements. She's going to be Bruce’s assistant until she can get on her own two feet. So, if Tony lets you move in, then I'm sure you'll run into her every now and again.” Kiana relaxed into the hug as she said that, closing her eyes and mouthing out ‘Thank you’.

The incident between Kiana and Natasha happened shortly after the Winter Soldier started appearing. It was during this incident that Natasha and Steve found out that members of HYDRA were in the deeper levels of SHIELD. Natasha had gotten into the files and released them to the public, exposing HYDRA, but not before making sure that a select few were deleted from the database. It was shortly after her talk with Nat, that Kiana found herself looking for Tony or Pepper back at the tower. “Tony…?” she called out, heading towards his lab after not finding him or Pepper in any of their usual spots. “Sir, Miss Mariveil is currently looking for you.” Jarvis spoke, causing Tony to hit his head as he tried to sit up from under a desk. “Fuck,” he hissed, “where is she?” “She is on her way to the lab, sir.” “Thanks,” he murmured as he got up, rubbing his head. He then met her in the hallway before she got all the way to the lab. “Hey, what's up?” “Hi… um…” she licked her lips, twirling her hair between her fingers while avoiding eye contact. “W-would it be possible… to stay here for a while? U-until I can get my own place!” He blinked, realizing why she asking him, gently wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “Sweetheart, you can stay here as long as you need to. Don't feel pressured to find a place, but if you want to, you can.” “Thanks,” she smiled up at him, leaning against him. “Let's go set up your room, then. I'll buy your furniture.” “Y-you don't have-” she was stopped by a finger against her lips. “I want to.”

It was a month later and Kiana was adjusting fairly well in her new environment, helping Tony with his odd experiments and keeping him company when he struggled with insomnia. She helped Pepper with slight cleaning, knowing that there was someone who came in and cleaned, but liking to keep it decently well kept. She could only handle so much mess before she felt a need to clean, so she understood why Pepper needed to have it semi-tidied up. The two have also been keeping an eye on her, at first checking her arms daily to see if she had relapsed or not, but about halfway through the month lowering it to about twice a week. “Kiki!” Tony shouted as he ran up to her, grabbing her hand. “Come on, I have something to show you!” Her eyes widened as he dragged her down into his workshop, leaving her utterly confused and unable to quite say no. Once they arrived, he let go of her hand and pulled a cloth off of whatever it was he wanted to show her. In front of her was what looked like a black dress with a cyan design along it and matching knee-high boots. It was sleeveless, a strip of material on either side keeping it up at the shoulders, and ended about mid-thigh length, maybe knee. It was hard for her to tell without a height comparison. Upon further inspection, she could see that the black part of the attire was a sturdy leather, while the cyan seemed to resemble wiring of some sort. “Try it on!” “... You made this for me?” her brows arched as she crossed her arms. “... Yes. I told you I was making something for you. I figured a whole body suit wouldn’t be your style. I purposely left it sleeveless so that your arms wouldn’t get irritated. To make up for lack of coverage on your legs, I made the shoes boots. So, try it on!” She pursed her lips, staring over the outfit before giving a sigh and letting Tony take it off the mannequin and taking it from him. She disappeared into another room to change, slipping out of her clothes and into the dress he had made for her. It ended a bit lower than mid-thigh so when she pulled on the boots, there was barely any space from the knee-high boots and the bottom of the dress. She walked out the room, going back to the workshop to show Tony how it looked on her. “That looks really good on you. I was worried about how the dress might fit. Anyway, now the real experiment begins,” a grin spread on his lips. “I want you to use your powers to lift up this machine.” “Tony… That's really-” “Shhh. Just try it.” Her brows furrowed slightly, hoping he knew what he was doing or she was going to punch him later. From everything she had known about her powers, the weight of the machine was a little heavier than she could handle. She had no idea what the ‘suit' he designed did, so she wasn't quite sure on what might happen. After taking a deep breath, she lifted her hands up in an attempt to lift the heavy object with her powers. She managed to get it about an inch off the ground before a loud thud sounded, crashing back onto the floor. Tony quickly grabbed her before she fell back, getting her in the nearby chair. “Okay, so not quite the percentage boost I was hoping for… but thankfully the suit recorded the data so I can work on fixing it up. Sorry,” he apologized, not wanting for her to put as much stress on her body as she had done. “It's okay… Can we try something smaller next time?” “Of course,” he smiled and gently kissed the top of her head, “just take it easy for now and lemme know if you need anything.” “Probably a nap… but as soon as I have enough focus and strength to get out of the suit,” she mumbled, leaning her head against the chair with her eyes closed tightly.

Pepper sat with Kiana as the two worked on folding laundry together. They both agreed to have a big laundry day once a week so they don't need to think about it until the next laundry day. It made it easier on them so that they could focus on other things during the other days, especially since Kiana needed to rest every now again after testing the suit. She had tested the suit two different times in the past few weeks; one time was far too high percentage wise and caused the machine to fly through the ceiling, while the other time was just a bit higher than the first so it didn't wear down on her as heavily, but did exhaust her. “Tony isn't pushing you too far, is he? He stops when you tell him to, right?” she asked, brows slightly furrowed with concern. “Yeah, he's been pretty good about it. He helps me to bed and usually makes sure I'm eating periodically and making me extra comfortable on days we do tests.” “That's good! I get worried when you do, but I'm usually out those days… so I never know until I get home.” she sighed, folding the shirt in her hands. “It's fine. Tony’s been a great care-taker when I've been down, so don't worry so much. I'm sure one day you'll be there to help when I need it.” she smiled at her, helping place the clean and folded laundry into the basket. They dropped off Tony’s clothes first, hanging up and putting things in the drawers. “Hey, I was thinking maybe we could have a spa day? I dunno if that's really your thing, but I figure after these past few weeks you deserve a day of relaxation.” “Um… I've never really done the whole spa thing, but I'm willing to try it out.”  she gave a half smile, shrugging her shoulders. “Alright, I'll make reservations for tomorrow, then. I’ll also warn Tony, so he doesn’t freak out and think we’ve been kidnapped,” she giggled.

“You're wearing short sleeved shirts again,” Sammy said with a soft smile. Tony and Bruce were currently working together as Sammy and Kiana watched off from the side. “Yeah… It hasn't been easy, but they've been helping a lot. I see your resentment for Bruce has disappeared a little.” “Shush,” she laughed, shaking her head, “he's… I'm glad Nat put me here. It's helped me, too.” “Maybe you should join Pepper and I next time we go to the spa.” “You're going to the spa now?” her brows arched. “Yeah… It's actually helped a lot with relaxing. I still spar, practice my martial arts, and swim. It's just nice to sit down and get pampered now and again.” she shrugged her shoulders, watching as the two boys talked. “Maybe I’ll join you guys. Bruce keeps insisting I take a day off, but I don’t have anywhere to go really. I mean, he’s probably only doing it because he wants some alone time, but I… I just want to lay low for a while longer… I’m sure my dad’s trying to figure out where I am… and… I don’t want to be forced to go home…” Kiana moved closer to Sammy, pulling her into a tight hug and gently rubbed her back. “We have a great support system. I don’t think anyone would let that happen. I know I wouldn’t ever, and Nat…” she blinked, thinking about what the redhead would do. ‘Nat would probably murder all of her family…’ “Nevermind what, but Nat would certainly help!” she waved her hand nervously, not wanting to bring any more graphic thoughts into the other’s mind. “Thanks, Kiki… That means a lot.” “Squirrel--” Tony shouted out, beginning to call her ‘squirrel girl’, before he felt a tug on the collar of his shirt. He cleared his throat, “Uh… Sandra!” Tug. “T-tammy?” Tug. “S-sammy! That’s right! I knew her name. Uh… Sammy! We need something to drink.” Sammy couldn’t stifle her laugh as she watched Tony struggle with her name, being pulled forward by seemingly nothing tugging on his collar. His brows knitted together as she walked away, still laughing. He walked over and pinched the other female’s cheek. “What was that all about?!” “You shouldn’t call people nicknames they don’t like,” she retorted through giggles, grabbing his hand and removing it from her cheek. “You shouldn’t try to choke me unless we’re in the bedroom, dear.” “I wasn’t choking you~” she chimed, batting her eyelashes, “I was just tugging on your shirt a little.” “If you wanted my shirt off,” he smirked, winking at her, “all you had to do was ask.” He started pulling his shirt up, laughing when he felt her pull it back down, a faint blush on her cheeks. “You are now banned from taking your shirt off in front of me.” “Aww, come on~” he laughed, putting a hand on her shoulder, “don’t be like that.” She sucked air through her teeth, making something akin to a ‘tch’ noise, “You deserve that.” “Seconded.” Sammy added in, shoving a drink in his face. “You don’t even know what happened!” he pouted, taking the drink. “Don’t need to. I trust Kiki’s judgement.” The real ‘argument’ began when the three of them heard Bruce snicker at the situation, just loud enough for them to hear him. That’s when Tony got really pouty.

“Look at you!” Clint said as he hugged Kiana tightly, picking her up and swinging her around once. “What’s that supposed to mean!” she giggled in response, arguing about not making her dizzy again. “I was worried when Nat told me you’d be staying with Stark, but you look like you’ve been doing a hell of a lot better since the last time I saw you.” He ruffled her hair and pulled her to sit at the table nearby, handing her one of the bags he had been holding. She looked inside, pulling out sweet and sour chicken over rice. “Aw, you remembered my favorite. Anyway, it’s been a lot easier than I expected it to be, especially with Pepper there. Sammy’s there too, but with Bruce.” She opened up the food and started eating, watching as he began eating the food he had gotten for himself. “Yeah, she told me about that too. I’m glad to see your arms are healing up nicely… finally. You know you could’ve come to Nat, Sammy, or I at anytime, right?” he asked, gently pinching her cheek. “I know… I just… I didn’t want to bother you guys…” “You’re not a bother,” he retorted quickly, pinching both cheeks. “Oww! Stoooppp! I get the point! Anyway…” she murmured, rubbing her cheeks, “I am really glad to see you again. It feels like it’s been forever.” “Yeah…” he sighed, “a lot has happened since then. Everytime we turn around seems like something else is being blown up, huh? The world’s seen simpler days… Also… do they know about your?” His brow arched in concern, not wanting to fully finish his sentence as they were in public. “Yeah… Tony read my file and I told Pepper. I’m sure Bruce picked up on it, since I mess with Tony all the time. I’m not sure if Happy knows, though… They’ve been pretty cool about it all, though. I’m thankful for that. Sammy’s been doing a lot better, too. I think Bruce has helped her out a lot more than she would like to admit,” she giggled. “That’s good to know. She can be thick headed at times, but then again so can you.” He poked her forehead lightly, causing a groan from her. “Just keep an eye out for yourself, okay? Don’t let anyone overwhelm you and do what you need to in order to keep yourself up. I don’t want to see you falling back down again.”

“Sir, Miss Mariveil has disabled the cameras in her room. I believe something may be wrong,” Jarvis alerted Tony. His brow arched as he stood up, placing whatever he had been working on down on the nearby table. He made his way up to her room, brain running through every possibility of why she might have done it. He put his hand onto the door, jiggling the knob to find out that it was locked. “I don’t have time for this,” he grumbled as he pulled out a screwdriver, working as quickly as he could to open the door knob, managing to have what he needed all right in his pocket. He was thankful that he was tinkering before this. He swung the door open and flipped the light on, eyes darting around the room before seeing a huddled figure covered in black in the corner of the room. He quickly made his way over to her, pulling the blanket down so he could see her face. “Kiki? What’s wrong?” He looked over her face, noticing her red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “I…” she coughed out, voice shaky as it was clear she had been crying for a while. “I’m…. I’m sorry…” “Sorry for what, sweetie? What happened?” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her against his chest and gently rocking her back and forth. “...” She removed some of the blanket, showing him the knife she had been holding onto; her knuckles were white with how tight she had been gripping it. He took it from her and placed it on the other side of him, going back to holding her. “Did you…?” She shook her head in response. “I… I almost did…” “It’s okay, I’m here now.” he said softly, rubbing her shoulder and trying to sooth her from her episode. He stayed with her for the rest of the day, trying to help her avoid flaring up in another attack.