#as a lesbian who’s dated men in the past it makes me super uncomfortable to see gay mike being described as ‘more difficult’

[bylerphobic]

okay listen, anyone can headcanon mike as whatever you want, really!! but can we please stop saying that one sexuality would be “easier” to explain/understand than the other… i know what you’re trying to say but it really rubs me the wrong way implying that one sexuality would ‘make more sense’ when they can all be explained perfectly fine — that’s exactly why people headcanon him differently.

[wtowingedtragicobsidian]

BDS Gender & Orientation HCs pt1 ADA

~if a character/commentary is not included I’m just assuming they’re cis/straight~

Atsushi:

Orientation:|Aro/Ace| (I’m claiming this one as my quota per show) Doesn’t consider romance/sex often, only ever really thinking about it when he does something that makes him go ‘oh shit that might have crossed a line that had the wrong implications or made someone uncomfortable.’

However, he wouldn't protest much if somebody (regardless of gender) wanted to having a dating relationship. It would take him a while to adjust but he’d eventually enjoy it, he just wouldn’t seek out those kinds of partnerships on his own and wouldn’t be completely shattered if they ended.

*I like to think (b/c it makes me laugh and it seems like something Dazai would do) that Atsushi’s tie clip is a bisexual flag Dazai gave him and he just wears it b/c he doesn’t know what it means. (tbh, I think Atsushi’s mostly ignorant of sexualities, not in the way of being bigoted, but in the way of never having realized that there’s different ways to categorize them. He just thought if you like somebody you asked them out, gender was never even considered.)

Dazai:

Gender: |Agender-unrealized| Goes with male but doesn’t actually strongly identify with any gender. Uses masculine pronouns but will also use neutral or impersonal pronouns when thinking (and sometimes talking) about themselves.

*in some of the aus we see she either transition or is born female, but she still feel similarly detached to gender.

Orientation: |Bi| Attracted to both binaries but compulsively gets with women more often, tending to only fantasize or on occasion entertain men flirting with him—he rarely goes past that unless it’s a power play or for a mission.

*real talk I think he probably has a fucked up relationship with sexuality, but that has less to do with who he’s attracted to and more to do with his own personal complexes surrounding sex and meaning.

Kunikida:

Gender:|Transwomen-unrealized| Identifies as male and uses masculine pronouns. BUT, when someone refers to him femininely instead of debating, he just pauses—it doesn’t feel as incorrect as it should, making his heart clench and then soften in a way that steals the words of rebuttal out of his mouth. (in another life she might realize, but in canon no such luck.)

Orientation: |Straight(?)| Interested in women, more specifically interested in finding The Perfect Woman™ according to his Ideals’, but alas. He’s fine with men flirting with him (he finds it strangely flattering, making his heart flutter with warmth) but he just politely informs them he’s straight.

However, he isn’t opposed to being an a qpr with a man—he would never seek it one out, but if he found himself in one with somebody he REALLY values it wouldn’t be much of an issue.

Ranpo:

Gender: |Transman| Uses masculine pronouns.

Orientation: |unspecified| Not super interested in relationships and has distaste or confusion over certain aspects of them (but I’m tempted to say this might be more related to his autism than his sexuality). If the transition into the relationship was natural and subtle, he'd be ok with it.

*Ranpo likes running bets with the ADA (read Yosano, Dazai and sometimes Fukazawa, the others stopped betting with Ranpo over anything a long time ago b/c they’d never win) over who’s with/going to get with who and what happens between the relationships. (sfw or otherwise)

Tanizaki:

Gender: |Transmasc, Demiboy| Uses masculine and neutral pronouns

Orientation: |Bi-curious| Finds men attractive (bi panics) but isn’t sure if it’s romantic interest.

Yosano:

Orientation: |Lesbian| Likes women and wine and having a good time.

Fukuzawa:

Orientation: |Aro| Doesn’t clock advances well (like he’s REALLY bad at it, Ranpo has to point it out for him) and when he does, he just chuckles and says he’s flattered but no, none for him thanks.

[chicago-poet]

idk i went back and forth on whether to post this bc i dont make a lot of posts and idk why i expect people to care but also i do want to tell someone and have other people know so.

super long confusing musings on my sexuality and stuff under the cut. its long so u dont have to read it but id like it if u could like the post if u wanted please n thank u 💖💖

like ok so for a long time now ive id'ed as an ace lesbian and felt at home with that and now bc of circumstances and reasons ive started thinking again.

but a part of me has always felt so disconnected from other lesbians like they all understood something i didnt and i loved the solidarity and community of being a lesbian but i didnt really understand such a big part of it. wrt being in love and sex and all. like i think i confused wanting that closeness and intimacy as being the same thing as feeling it.

and like i guess the turning point of that is that like i do want companionship and someone in my life but the way i want it is never the way other people do even through casual dating etc like sex and romance...the way i want those things are so specific to me and its feels like a venn diagram thats a circle and no one else is ever going to share that with me. maybe someday but its such a slim window to fit into that i cant expect it of other people right now.

but ive been reading abour qprs bc thats another thing ive been super critical on in the past (and i still kinda cringe hearing it) and i mean on one hand qweerplatonic feels like one of those tumblrisms thats code for "my discord relationship" and i feel like when you have a community based on a lack of something people fill the vacuum with like. fandoms and strawman comics. like im adult that pays taxes i dont have squishes on anyone.

but like that aside. i do get it. i like my independence and not having to compromise on things and it would be nice to have a life partner who is similar in those things but still wants the emotional intimacy and exclusivity and commitment of a partner. and qpr is like the best way to explain what i need to other people ig

and in that way i finally understood that like. being acearo is a very specific way to want a connection with someone and u do need words for that so u can find other people like u bc most people dont feel like that and its not wrong to want words to explain what u want to other people and if qpr is the best way to phrase it then i guess im stuck with it.

and then its like so do i feel attraction??? have i ever? but im still gay?? how can i be gay and also acearo? but it makes sense to me bc like i want a partner someday and it is more than a friendship. like in the past ive had very intense girl friendships that blurred the line where we would cuddle and hold hands and talk abot getting married and everyone negged us about dating/thought we were dating and ive always been the one to shy away from it when it came down to finally confront it.

but then when it comes time to say if were gfs i just....dodge the question forever. and i feel guilty about stringing ppl along like that bc i know they want something more than that and im ignoring it. like ive always been happiest in that gray undefined zone thats more than friendship but not quite dating.

like ive always been free with affection and then uncomfortable when someone (understantably) wants it to mean something more. ive always been the one whos not as into the other person while theyre enamoured with me. like my ex just used to gaze at me and say they love me and id be like .....thanks....you too! bc i did love them and i thought we wanted the same things. but it was complicated.

ALL THIS is to say that if i do enter in some kind of life partnership somehow it would still be with a woman or non binary person most likely bc i feel most comfortable with them and still dont like men in that way. so im still gay?

but u know. i identified as bi before as a lesbian before and then an ace lesbian so right now im in a phase of my life where aromantic asexual lesbian is the best way to describe me and im okay with that. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone else but me. it can be contradictory and confusing and "incorrect" but like if thats what i feel descibes me best then thats how im gonna be. its lonely but its also freeing because at least now i realize that i know what i want and i can have what i want if i meet the right person someday.

flowers for u if u read this far down💐💐💐💐💐💐 thank u to anyone who read any of that.

[shinra-makonoid]

(cw dysphoria & sex life, wanted to ask some questions) You've posted in the past, that you're only into cis men and that you had relationships (and I also think you're a top). We're sorta in the same boat, while I'm bi, I'm more into men. I wanted to ask, how open are you with your partners? I'm afraid that any cis man who would date me would try to pressure me into PIV, because that's what nearly all FTM porn is about. And some T4T people online act so weird that I'm afraid to end up with a trans man who wouldn't act any better, but instead of "let me fuck your pussy", it'll be "pussy4pussy". And if I think further, it boils down to the same issue with hypothetically dating a woman. Some trans women also act weird about trans men, and cis women... either lesbian-leaning or I'll have to go to a bullshit circus called "het dating culture", though from this POV straight women who don't care much about natal penises feel the safest. Basically, I feel like most people who're open to dating trans men, only desire those parts of us that are "leftovers" or resemble our AGAB. I know it's my paranoia and dysphoria speaking, together with the experience of casual lying and manipulation/gaslighting, so I wanted to ask someone who seems to have more experience than me.

First of all, I don't think I have that much experience. I don't currently date anyone and I have no interest in pursuing anything in that regard because obviously I'm focusing on other stuff these months. I can't tell you anything about women either for obvious reasons.

I'm more ambivalent to trans men now as my thought process kinda changed. Like... I do think the T4T culture is often uncomfortable but it might also be a place where you feel safe, understood and secure. There aren't many cis people who are careful and/or who actually do the work themselves before dating you, so you will end up having to go about dumb stuff like the idea you can be a top. And like... Sure it can be done, but it's a hassle, and for my part it really makes me uncomfortable, which eliminates very quickly the person from the dating pool.

My last ex that I dated was a cis gay guy, who didn't ever think about dating a trans man before, and was shook when I told him I was one. He was a huge bottom so he was relieved when I told him I could top and all. But he was still a cis guy, and he told me he went to see porn to "see what it's like" and would talk about how he was okay/wanted to touch my parts and... Idk if it's dysphoria or if it's just him being awkward about it but that made me feel super uncomfortable because I do everything to not think about those parts of me and it's like everything about us was making me think of it. He didn't have any/much understanding or maturity in regards to what he would do/say would actually be harming me unless I specifically explained it to him and it was tiring. Is it a maturity issue or a cis issue exactly idk. But after that I reconsidered T4T mainly because these issues wouldn't arise, and in some way I'd be free of the pressure to perform at a "cis level".

I never got pressured to get PIV sex but I had one guy asking me several times if I'd be open to being pregnant at some point because he was gay but he was also a hardcore alt right and that was also uncomfortable. Usually cis people just assume you only have the PIV possibility and you have to do a whole explanation about how you can do it other ways and it's just boring. I hate that this is a subject, and I specifically hate this is the main subject everyone is worried about any time you discuss something a bit serious in terms of relationships. It is very superficial.

I'm super open about my desires (like being a top, a sadist, hearing the other guy moan etc) and what I don't want (being touched, pregnancy, piv etc), but it doesn't mean the cis partner actually understands it because it's often a bit too strange and most cis people are actually super vanilla.

Hope that it helps? Thanks anon for the ask.

[starlightrosari]

Rant: why I don’t like sexuality labels anymore

The more I think about sexuality, the more I realize labels don’t really work for me. I have a view in sexuality where my partners gender identity doesn’t matter too much to me because I believe that gender doesn’t equal presentation. I am attracted to femininity and neutrality, but some soft masculine qualities are okay too sometimes. I also recognize that some binary men may dress nonconforming in a very feminine way that I may still be attracted to despite them identifying as men. Essentially, I feel like sexuality is too difficult to pin down and that with how free you are to present and identify however you want where I live, it feels too limiting identifying sexuality to the confines of gender based on cis/hets idea of it. I feel pan in a way, but I despise the hegemony that’s become of label culture because I don’t relate to “being attracted to everyone without preference” I just relate to the gender and sexual characteristics of my partner not mattering to me. Being bi or pan just feel to similar in the assumption that you like typical masculine conforming men and I don’t think I do, yet I still feel I could like people who identify as men. In the past I even did identify as pan and bi, but it was super harmful to me because of the expectation of what it meant as because of that, I didn’t even question that I may not be attracted to most men and I thought I liked every boy I met (I didn’t). I started turning down every boy who was interested in me in high school because I didn’t like the way they presented typically masculine, but some of them I acknowledged did look good to societies standards. Because of that I figured I was lesbian since I seemed to not like any guy, but now I’m not sure. I could say I’m pan or I could say I’m poly with exceptions or bi with a preference to women or gay homoflexible or mspec lesbian, which lets be honest, most these identities aren’t well understood or maybe even respected and they still would need to be explained, but anyways, at this point I just feel sexuality and gender identity and their relation to each other are too difficult for me to come to a connection to with my sexuality due to the binary way of thinking and little room for flexibility all these labels have. They all are so focused on cis people and how they see things. They don’t consider trans people or nonconformity. It’s possible I could meet a binary trans man who prefers to present and transition more like what could be a nonbinary person or even who likes nonconformity. It’s also possible I’ll meet a cis guy who cross dresses all the time and looks like a girl. I’m not going to just not acknowledge if feelings such as these fester and just let them go because it doesn’t match my sexuality. Labels for some feel very comfortable and freeing, and for a while they did for me too, but at least for now (until maybe I understand myself a little better or maybe forever), queer is the label that makes me comfortable. Queer is flexible and without expectations and it matches my true wants with a relationship for it to be queer or non cis/het normative. I also acknowledge that my nonbinary identity is related to why sexuality confines bother me and make me uncomfortable. I didn’t like lesbian as a label since it assumes I’m a girl, but I also feel like ultimately what matters to me is that my partner accepts my identity (which may make me more flexible to who I might date) and my partner doesn’t look like a cis man. So yeah, queer is my label for now and I don’t feel bad about it.

[queerlytical]

Unpacking my aversion to cis-het men - 08/12/2020

This is going to be a long one.  One I’m quite nervous about posting about even when I’m here anonymously!

Will probably refer to cis-het men as men/guys generally in this post btw. & the ex I refer to here is a guy I was with for 5 years which was an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I’ve recently started to challenge my feelings towards cis-het men.  Accepting that I have the judgement that all men are basically weak minded by not challenging society as it is (and therefore accepting of all the oppression), and are desperately affected by toxic masculinity.  

A small part of my brain knows that’s not true.  I have a couple of cis-het male friends who I love and are clearly not like that.  But when I think “what would be the problem if I ended up with a man in the future?” the other part of my brain immediately shuts the idea down like “why would you do such a thing?! you only like women, end of story”.  Thinking that the guys  who are open minded and unpacking their own priveleges/opinions etc. are so few and far between there is probably none left out there for me to meet.  

So I decided to challenge this notion.  And perhaps there is some underlying internal homophobia conflicting with these thoughts at the same time like “if I just gave men a chance.” or “it would be so much easier to just find a guy who is interested in me” (there is a lot underlying that quote tho - not that many wlw in my area, my personal feelings towards myself as to how cis-het men perceive me).

Along with challenging this notion, I have basically been craving to be dominated and penetrated in the bedroom, with no particular strings attached.  The people I’ve slept with this year weren’t great experiences and I just wanted someone to push me around and top me.  I know there are women who would gladly do that but the women I tend to date haven’t been like that and I’ve always been more of the top than the bottom.  I have never entertained a guy for sex where I have decided for myself that this is what’s going to happen, I’ve always been pursuaded into it (I didn’t learn about consent until the last couple of years, clearly). I wanted to feel that control.  I wanted to be the one to say, I’ve decided this this time.  And to see, how I would actually feel given that this was something I wanted and not sort of forced onto me.

I changed my Bumble search to include “everyone”.  Note that I had also ran out of women in my search radius by this stage so it was just men coming up now.  It was interesting.  I noticed that there are a lot of guy profiles that are basically the same - “where can you be found after work? the gym” or “what do you quote too much from? the office, US”.  Literally after swiping for about 10 minutes I could have written the exact same profile as like 40% of these profiles I was now faced with.  

I obviously ended up swiping left for the majority of guy profiles.  I paid more attention to the men who had kind eyes, nice smiles, beards (I love a beard strangely enough), and anything interesting in their profile.  I struggled to swipe right on white men in particular. I think this makes sense due to:

 my ex being white and racist (and I have a tendency to want to get as far as possible from this particular ex), 

a close friend who was my only white cis-het friend who then turned out to be a racist tory

my dad who is white, racist and homophobic (not terribly but enough to make me uncomfortable to discuss anything with him).  

Plus the general consensus that white cis-het men are the most priveleged in society and they can never understand someone like me, right?  Let alone have done any of the unpacking and learning about their own privilege..  

I matched with a few guys and had brief conversations with them before getting overwhelmed about messaging people on dating apps (happens whenever I can’t keep on top of messaging like more than one person at a time).  There were some okay chats, nothing overly flirty.  Some voicenotes which freaked me out a little, not 100% sure why hearing men’s voices so early after speaking to someone online scares me, but it’s probably because I’m not as comfortable sending voicenotes myself.  

There was a lot of me saying to myself “what am I doing?! LOLOLOL”

I’m going to talk about one of the guys in particular now.  We’ll call him Z.  Z’s profile was very minimal, basically just said “ask if you want to know more”.  But he had a nice face, lovely smile, and his first picture even looked quite feminine in the face - he has super long eyelashes and due to the lockdown hair he was wearing a hairband.  He’s Asian (Sikh) like my two closest friends.  I have spoken to him more than any of the other matches from Bumble.  We don’t really talk much of substance.  I told him I’m “basically a lesbian” quite early on  and he told me he’d been healing from a long relationship and was now “ready to have some fun”.  He didn’t seem particularly phased that I was into women, didn’t say anything cringey like “don’t worry, I’ll turn you” (which is what I used to get when I was younger).  This pushed the conversations in a direction where it was kind of agreed that this was all a bit of fun - flirty, sexual.  

My first experience with a guy being interested me back in high school eventually turned into a FWB situation so this type of relationship I am used to and basically expect from men..  I’m not particularly bother by this atm but might unpack this some more at some point.   

Anyway, as me and Z are just having some fun, I’ve not been vulnerable or told him much about things I care about - I don’t even think he knows my full name. It has actually been a breath of fresh air when I’ve been with people who are too intense for me throughout my dating life.  He is very much the kind of person I would never usually interact with too- likes and plays football, hangs with a group of “lads”.  I don’t think we have anything in common yet we still manage to chat (albeit with gaps of many hours in between some messages).

What did interest me about Z quite early on in our conversations is that he never said the word “girls”, always “women”.  I pointed this out to him and he confirmed he did that on purpose because he wouldn’t want to be referred to as a “boy” and that women deserve the same language used when referencing grown ass women.  This sticks in my mind as it definitely broke down one of my mental barriers around men not being able to understand “what’s the big deal”.  I think that’s probably why I’ve managed to speak to him for as long as we have.  Later on he also mentioned that people “can’t be fat shaming” which surprised me even more.  (Does my brain think cis-het men live under a rock or something?!).

We’ve been speaking 3 weeks at this stage.  We agreed to meet this weekend.  We ended up delaying it from Sunday to last night (Monday) because he was tired from a busy weekend and “wanted to give me the full experience”.  Surprisingly this didn’t make me super cringe.  I think I was probably more relieved to delay it another day as I was pretty nervous about how it would go, my head overthinking like - what if we have nothing to talk about? what if he comes all this way and I change my mind (as I am of course allowed to)? what if he’s a catfish and hurts me? etc. etc.  I don’t overthink this much when I date women.

So he was on his way.  I was running in circles getting ready like “WHAT AM I DOING?!!!”.  I had some rum to take the edge off and played the piano anxiously while he was on the way as something to take my mind off thinking about what was about to happen.

He arrived.  He was who he said he was.  He was the person who was in his pictures.  He was slightly slimmer than I expected but that was just the angles that his pictures were taken in.  It wasn’t awkward.  I poured us a drink and we sat on the sofa and chatted for a couple of hours.  He talked a lot, I hardly got a word in edgeways.  I didn’t mind as it put me at ease that there was no awkward silences. 

We finished our drinks.  I hadn’t left the heating on in my lounge so it had gotten quite cold..  I got closer to him.  Then we kissed.  It was nice.  I love kissing anyone who’s a good kisser no matter their gender. The excitement of the whole situation turned me on and we took it to my bedroom.

I struggled to look at him naked although when I did, I didn’t feel strange like I thought I would.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with the male form, I just haven’t seen a dude naked in my bedroom for years and when I was younger I used to tell myself I had phallophobia..  The sex was pretty much what I was looking for.  He didn’t bring a condom though which didn’t annoy me loads in the moment, despite him saying “I prefer without but ok” to which I replied “I don’t know where you’ve been” *eye roll*.  I thankfully had my own condoms (my stash usually for making dental dams, yno) but after I was kind of thinking to myself like “who the fuck goes to have casual sex with someone and doesn’t bring a condom when they have a penis?!”. I didn’t even let my ex bare-back me let alone some random dude.  

Anyway, I did it.  Consensual sex was better than any sex I had with my ex (not surprising).  He didn’t make me climax but it felt good (sex isn’t goal orientated for me but I know it was for him, as I assume it is with most men).  We held each other and chatted naked for a while after.  I think he wanted round 2 but I’m not sure I could have handled it.  He left relatively promptly after and I felt.. content.

I think I got what I wanted out of the experience.  It definitely boosted my confidence.  I’m not sure if I’ll see him again yet.  I definitely still feel very queer and mostly into women, I missed boobs a lot (like what do het-women hold onto?).

Part of me is like “okay next step is to see what it would be like to go on a romantic date with a guy” - something I have never ever done.  I don’t think I’ve been interested in it in the past (since growing up that is).  I can’t even imagine what it would be like because I would probably just treat them as my friend and have no clue how to flirt (if I even wanted to flirt).  But there are many conflicting thoughts about dating men romantically - what if it’s a success?  I’d end up feeling disowned by my new queer friends or judged by them, or what if I hurt someone?  how will dating guys impact how I feel about my own queerness??  I just settled back into my queer identity and now it feels I’m going backwards again.

I am definitely enjoying this new side to me that doesn’t take dating seriously and being comfortable that I don’t want a relationship right now and that’s okay!  I am continually learning about myself and trying to breakdown my own barriers so I can be my most true authentic self.  I’m having fun, and doing what’s best for me.  Which is a complete u-turn on the person I was less than a few years ago who just wanted to please everyone and was so depressed and burnt out doing so.

[laceymorganwrites]

Here is 2nd prompt: 1 to 9, 11 to 14, 16, 17, 21 to 24, 28 to 37, 39, 43 to 45, 52, 55, 56(let me guess MGK?), 64, 67, 69, 70, 72, 73, 75 to 81, 83 to 87, 90 to 92, 94, 98, 106 to 123, 125 to 127, 134, 138, 139, 143 to 151, 154 and 155 (cut it in two/three part we gonna have an headache if not) -Sarah

I´m gonna put a cut here lol this is gonna be a long post 

1. Full name

I´m uncomfortable answering that one. My first irl name is Hope though

2. Age

18

3. 3 fears

spiders, lonliness, death

4. 3 things I love

my friends, my cats, writing

5. 4 turn ons

subs, lip biting, intense eye contant, praise

6. 4 turn offs

degrading, forcing control, belittling me, just being disgusting

7. my best friend

met him in tenth grade, best thing that ever happened to me. platonic soulmate, always there for me. Love him with all my heart

8. sexual orientation

lesbian, on the aro spectrum

9. my best first date

never had any

11. What do I miss?

Being able to get a good night´s sleep

12. What time were I born?

Around 4am

13. favorite color?

since black doesn´t count yellow, dark red, dark purple

14. Do I have a crush?

on irls no. On fictional men yes

16. favorite place?

Dublin (especially the pubs)

17. favorite food?

french toast, homemade burgers, pizza

21. Shoe size

38 in Germany (idk the size system of other countries)

22. Eye color

Dark blue, with a bit of green in the middle. My eyes look like the ocean, so when I say dark blue, I mean really dark.

23. hair color

Natural dirty blonde, but currently washed out dyed purple

24. favorite style of clothing?

grunge with elements of punk

28. favorite movie?

Lord of the rings

29. favorite song?

I can´t choose just one, but the one that really means a lot to me is You´ll Be Fine by Palaye Royale

30. Favorite band?

Used to be Creeper, but is currently Palaye Royale

31. How I feel right now?

Tired and in pain (just started my period)

32. Someone I love

My best friend

33. my current relationship status

single irl, but dating lesbian anon on here

34. my relationship with my parents

good I guess, though we don´t do a lot together

35. favorite holiday

Halloween and Pride

36. Tattoos and piercings I have

none

37. Tattoos and piercings I want

none since I have a low pain tolerance (it´s rlly nonexistent)

39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?

Well, I´m over it but he´s petty and spreading rumors about me so....

43. How long does it take for me to get ready in the morning?

An hour. I take a long time to fully wake up, so I do things very slow. 

44. have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

nope. I don´t shave, my mom thinks it´s disgusting but I don´t care. My body, my rules

45. Where am I right now?

In my bed, as always

52. when was the last time I hugged someone?

A few days ago

55. what is something I disliked about today?

starting my period

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Nikki Sixx.

64. Do I believe in magic?

Not really, but I´m open to anything

67. What was the last book you´ve read?

I´m currently reading ´The Dirt´

69. Do I have any nicknames?

Lace, Ace, Hopi

70. what was the worst injury I ever had?

my self inflicted one  I guess

72. can I touch my nose with a tongue?

sadly no

73. Is there anything pink 10 feets from me?

yup, my pillow

75. what was I doing last night at 12 AM?

listening to Yagami Yato´s audios

76. What do I think Satan´s last name is?

Mine since I´ll marry her when I arrive in hell

77. What´s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Na Na Na by MCR

78. How can you win my heart?

Make me laugh

79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Fucking finally

80. What is my favorite word?

Cunt

81. my top 5 blogs on tumblr

@varia-venus @one-piece-dumpster-fire @miyaniacs @aomineavenue @hoe-imaginess

83. Do I have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Teleportation

85. What would be a question I´d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why are you like this?

86. What is my current desktop picture?

It´s an edited Madara one my friend made me

87. had sex?

Voluntarily no

90. failed a class?

Luckily no

91. kissed a boy?

yup, 2 times and both times it was disgusting af

92. kissed a girl?

no, but she kissed me and that was when I realized I was gay. She broke my heart too.

94. Had a job?

no, but hopefully soon

98. played on a sports team?

no, I can´t play sports

106. been to a wedding?

only when I was little, so I don´t remember anything

107. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

that´s nothing to me. I spend my whole day on here. That´s why I spam with those prompt thingies, cause I get bored and am always active

108. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I´m a fucking hermit, of course I have

109. been outside my home country?

yes, mutliple times

110. gotten my heart broken?

yup and it hurt like a bitch

111. been to a professional sports game?

Me and my class went to a pro ice hockey game and it was amazing

112. broken a bone?

not yet fortunately

113. cut myself?

yup and not proud of it

114. been to prom?

no, got cancelled because of COVID

115. been in an airplane?

yes, but I´m afraid of flying and heights

116. fly by helicopter?

no

117. what concerts have I been to?

Katy Perry, Halestorm (2 times), The Pretty Reckless, All Time Low, Halsey, Waterparks, Palaye Royale, Kyle Gass Band, Hey Violet, David Guetta, Bring me the horizon, Macklemore (2 times), Rihanna, Panic! At the disco, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots (2 times), Amy Shark, Hayley Kiyoko

118. had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119. learned another language?

yup. But I failed and can´t speak any of it. The only foreign language that stuck with me is English

120. wore make up?

yeah, a lot actually. I like experimenting with make up

121. lost my virginity before I was 18?

Not voluntarily

122. Had oral sex?

Not voluntarily

123. Dyed my hair?

A lot

125. Rode in am ambulance?

no

126. had a surgery?

only a minor one

127. met someone famous?

I met a German youtuber at the Halsey concert and I got VIP tickets for Palaye Royale, so I met all of them

134. What do I want for my birthday?

I don´t know. Probably some cosplay supplies

138. what was my favorite toy as a child?

I was a Playmobil kid

139. Favorite TV show?

Can´t choose. Will go with Haikyuu for now

143. Favorite pizza topping?

Ham and mushrooms

144. Am I afraid of the dark?

yes

145. Am I afraid of heights?

yes

146. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no, but I never done any of that

147. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

all the time cause I keep comparing myself to others

148. what I´m really bad at

social interaction

149. what my greatest achievements are

graduating and making it into uni

150. the meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

can´t really remember to be honest. People have always been talking behind my back rather than saying it to my face

151. what I´d do if I won in a lottery?

move to Ireland, buy a house, give the rest to charity

154. something I fantasize about

anime men

[dotdotdottie]

Cats and Dots || Dot & Luce

LOCATION: Ink Inc.

TIME:  Before Bea’s Death

@divineluce

Clicking on her “Bad Ass Bitches” playlist on Spotify, Luce set to work on fixing the absolute shitshow that was Dot’s tattoo. Not only was the placement bad, it looked like a drunk toddler had decided to go to town with a machine. Which is why she was more than happy to be working on it. Nothing was more interesting than fixing a bad tattoo and turning it into something worth showing off. “How the fuck did you wind up with this hot mess? And, you can’t fucking smack me for saying that because I’ll make it worse.” She grinned as she dipped the needles into ink and set to work, bobbing her head along to the beat of the pounding bassline. “Like, love is love, but christ.” She gestured to the god awful rainbow plastered on her hip. “The lines on this are hot garbage.”

The rainbow tattoo had been something Dot got in a frat house in her junior year of college. Her friend had ordered a tattoo gun off the internet and the ink had been sourced from somewhere she had no desire to examine. She didn’t regret the tattoo, it was a funny fucking story and she liked being a dumbass with a rainbow tattoo... But if she was going to make sure everyone going down on her knew she was pretty fucking gay, she wanted it to a nice rainbow. “I got it done by a coked-out frat named Braydon.” She had almost considered eating him afterward, but her colony would have been pissed. She wished she had done it. “I probably could have done it better myself, but it was kinda fun watching him struggle. Hope you know how to make it look less like an idiot did it. I don’t need people to focus on the rainbow when my snatch is out.”

Stories like this weren’t super surprising, especially not when it came to shit tattoos. Luce nodded as she filled in the stencil, a black cat whose body covered the majority of the rainbow. What bits it didn’t, she was planning on incorporating into a rainbow collar around its neck. And besides, even without the collar, it was still gonna be pretty gay. “You know, that doesn’t fucking surprise me in the slightest. Braydon,” She wiped away the excess ink, “Had awful goddamn hands. And, trust me. This is gonna be dope.” Luce grinned, “Definitely a pussy out kind of look.” She laughed. Given the fact she usually tattooed straight, toxic masculinity dudes all the time, it was a goddamn delight to be tattooing someone who wasn’t. And, Dot was cool enough. She was dating Blanche, which honestly sounded like a match made in chaotic heaven.

Listen, Dot didn’t love cats, but she would get one tattooed on her for a pussy joke. Most of her tattoos were jokes anyway. She knew plenty of people thought tattoos had to have meaning but she thought they just had to have a fun story and be cool to look at. “Oh trust me, I know Braydon’s hands were terrible. He’s one of those boys who think the clit is a suggestion instead of required.” She had slept with him a few days later simply because she had been bored out of her mind. “Can’t wait for the summer when I can show it off when I’m at the beach,” She cackled imagining the horrified faces of suburban mothers as they covered their kiddie’s eyes. She liked Luce and if she wasn’t with Blanche, she would have considered trying to smash, but for once Dot didn’t have the desire to cheat. “You got anything fucking weird tattooed on you?”

Letting out a low whistle, Luce shook her head. “Sounds about right. Boys are the fucking worst.” She said, remembering her ill-fated attempts at dating boys in high school. For the most part, they’d been boring and dumb and not terrible to hang out with. But, Jared, he was a fucking time. “Sounds like the dude I slept with back in the day. But, I gotta say, hats off to Jared. He did in fact, turn me gay.” She joked. That had been a hilarious thing for him to realize, when they ran into each other at a house party the year after they graduated. Specifically, when he found her fucking a girl on the side of his house. “Oh, it’ll be a look. And a damn good one at that.” She said as she finished up the tail of the cat. At Dot’s question, Luce laughed and nodded. “Of course I do. This is a good one,” She said and backed up to show Dot one of the tattoos on her ankle. At first glance, it was a normal anchor tattoo with a scroll script around it, the cliche every college girl got. But, the scroll read ‘Fuck your Anchor.’ “A tribute to all the stupid anchor tattoos I have to do.”

“Men are good for two things, paying us and looking pretty,” Dot said with a grin. There was a third, very important thing they were also good for, but she doubted that Luce shared her passion for sinking her fingers in the chests of frat boys and eating their hearts. “Speaking for the community, I thank Jared for his contribution. We’re glad to have such a hot gay with us.” Was she flirting? Yeah, but Dot didn’t think it was terrible to do so. It was a joke after all. She craned her neck a bit to see the progress and grinned, honestly, it looked fucking sick already. She couldn’t wait to show Blanche… And literally anyone else who was willing to look at it. She let out a cackle as she took in Luce’s tattoo. “Wow, what an icon. I hope you make sure everyone sees it when they ask for an anchor tattoo. You get a lot of those stupid mom heart ones?”

“You can say that again.” Luce laughed, thinking back to the random venmo that she’d gotten from Adam. As much of a big dumb frat boy he seemed, the dude was half-way decent. When he wasn’t talking about his crotch goblins or giving her stupid nicknames. That said, Dickcleaver Vural had a nice ring to it. “You’ve got that right. I am, in fact, a gift to the ladies and they-dies of White Crest.” Luce chuckled to herself as she filled in the body of the cat. Was she aware of the tone behind Dot’s words? Yeah, which is why she dug in just a little deeper with her needle. Not enough to blow out the ink, but just enough to remind Dot that she was, in fact, tattooing her. Besides, Luce was a lot of things, but she wasn’t the other woman type. “You know it. Oh, I’d be fucked if I did. Ulf would have my head on a spike if I went flashing that around.” She remarked as she looked at her handiwork. “Nah, most dudes have figured out those are out of style.”

Adam’s venmo had sent Dot into a cackling session that lasted for several minutes. She hadn’t expected anyone to actually send her money, but when she got the notification on her phone, Adam had gained a few brownie points. She gave Luce a mock salute,“Thank you for your service. You should be given a medal of honor.” Her eyes narrowed as the needle dug in deeper, sending a glare Luce’s way. She was pretty sure the tattoo artist was too practiced at this point to change pressure like that. Guess flirting, even jokingly, wasn’t allowed with Luce. “If Ulf doesn’t see it happen, what’s the harm? Some people wouldn’t even read it, I bet.” Even if they did read it, Dot was pretty sure some people would just get it anyway. She laughed,“That’s tragic. I love when I see them, it’s just so funny. Teasing guys about it is so fun.”

“Every lesbian who ever slept with a man should, honestly. Gold star lesbians, my ass. Give me a gold star for having to suffer through forty seconds of super sexy thrusting.” Luce grumbled as she wiped away the last of the excess black ink. Popping over the rainbow array of ink, she dipped her needles in to color after color, filling in the rainbow pattern on the cat’s collar. “The harm is when all the piss babies storm out or write bad Yelp reviews. I’m in customer service,” She pasted a fake smile on her face before rolling her eyes, “I gotta service the customer.” Arching an eyebrow at Dot’s words, Luce couldn’t resist the urge to snicker. “Well, I can tell you this, you can and should make fun of anyone who’s got a terrible tribal. God, 90’s and 2000’s tattooing was the worst.”

“Wow, he lasted a full forty seconds? You had a marathon runner. Most boys out there are one thrust wonders.” Dot loved moments like this where she just got to make fun of men as brutally as she wanted. So many people got uncomfortable when she talked about boys and her sexual experiences with them. “I’ll write you a five star Yelp after this. I’ll even include that I reccomend the lesbian artist.” It wouldn’t be the first time she wrote a long review just to praise a friend. She was great at acting like a Karen and if she used her real name, everyone thought she was seventy anyway. “I should make them tip me extra for making me witness their bad tattoos. At least my bad tattoos are covered up or I’m getting them fixed.”

“I was truly #blessed.” Luce said in a mocking voice, as she shut off her machine. “What got me was the fact he had the balls to ask, ‘was it good for you’? That was when I straight up told him I was pretty sure I preferred girls. Whoops.” She said as she wiped off the last of the ink and gestured for Dot to take a look at the tattoo in the mirror she had on the wall. “You better mention me, otherwise people will come in thinking it was Rory who did this sick pussy tat. God knows how the girls would react to that.” She snorted, amused at the other artist’s struggles with the fairer sex. “Honestly, they really should. And hey, you’re getting there.” She said as she tossed her gloves in the trash and began to clean up her station. “When are we gonna fix that jank ass dolphin tattoo of yours, huh?”

“‘Was it good for you?’ Well, bud, if I’m getting up to leave then I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for me. Boys are fucking stupid,” Dot laughed. This is part of the reason she ate human boys, they were just so annoying. She stood, looking into the mirror with an almost feral grin. “This is fucking awesome.” Turning back to Luce she let out another half laugh,“Yeah I’ll make sure I tell them it was you. Try not to hit on all the hot ones I send your way.” Dot took out her phone to take a photo to send Blanche and a few of her old college buddies. Snorting, she shook her head,“The dolphin is staying as messed up as it is. It’s a Dot classic at this point.”

“Right? You’d think me grabbing my shorts and booking it out the door would have been a dead give away.” Luce said with a laugh as she grabbed the aftercare instructions pamphlet and stuffed it into a baggy with a little Ink Inc. sticker, some candy, and a few packets of Aquaphor. “I’m glad you like it.” She said as she held out the grab bag. “And, no promises on that.” Luce winked and shook her head as they walked out to the register. Setting the station up for her, Luce shook her head with a disappointed snap of her fingers. “Damn, and here I thought I might have a chance at getting you to rethink that. But, hey. You win some, you lose some.” As she leaned against the front desk, Luce glanced up at the clock. Dot was a dope lady, if chaotic. And, coming from her? That meant she was pretty much chaos incarnate. But, she was good company for a drink. “You wanna grab a drink? Celebrate your new art?”

[aleapoffaithfiction]

IV.

I hope that you're the one. If not, you are the prototype - Andre 3000

“What do you think about this lipstick? I’m about to take it off and just stick with a lip gloss. I can never seem to get red lipstick to work on me. Meanwhile, every single shade that exists works on you.” In the midst of listening to Taylor’s commentary about a Dose of Colors lipstick that is absolutely perfect on her, I continued to nod my head along to “Too Deep for The Intro” from J. Cole’s “Friday Night Lights” mixtape. Despite it being released damn near seven years ago, it still feels and sounds better than anything that’s out right about now so it shall always remain in rotation alongside some of my all-time favorite Hip-Hop musical masterpieces. It also sounds damn good as we continue this journey down I-95 S to Pennsylvania. It’s been quite some time since I’ve actually driven a distance longer than twenty minutes and I can admit that I’m actually enjoying this. Traffic is clear, the sun is shining brighter than ever, and the weather hasn’t quite reached the brutally chilly temperatures that are on the way. I’m enjoying the wind smacking me in the face and blowing my hair all over the place. It’s damn near ninety degrees, why wouldn’t I?

“That red lipstick looks fucking good on you. You’re overthinking it. Also, my black ass cannot wear every shade ever. I just figure out ways to make them work on me and usually, lip liner is the trick. I think I have really deep berry liner in that bag. Try it and see if it works for you. If not, take it off and do the gloss.” To avoid having to stop and use the bathroom, I skipped out on grabbing a bite to eat from Wendy’s like Taylor did and now I regret it because my stomach is growling like hell. Given that the car is new, I don’t have any snacks in here but I’ll be damned if I don’t stop and grab some from a Quick Check on the way back.

“You’re talking about this one here?” I quickly glanced over and nodded my head to confirm.

“How was your time with Jesse when he came to Atlanta?”

“Pleasant. I can admit that he enjoyed it. He’s the first guy that I’ve ever had sleep in my apartment there and it was a different vibe but it felt nice. While it’s no sign that I’m ready to cohabitate with anyone just yet, I did like it for that time being.”

“So, you enjoyed finally sexing in your bed? That’s what you’re saying?” Her laughter filled our space as I called her out on such a discrete way of saying things. We both knew that’s exactly what she was alluding to.

“Well, I won’t deny that. It was damn good to be able to go at it multiple times between the night and the next morning, and then get up for a cup of coffee in my own kitchen. Hotel sex is only exciting the first couple of times. After that, it’s one big ass whatever. Do you know what it’s like to fuck in your own bed and then turn on your TV to watch one of your favorite shows while naked as the day you were born next to your fine as man? Heaven.”

“Oh, so you’re finally calling him your man now?” She refuses to label what they have as anything more than their “thing”. I understand the hesitance given the tough space he’s in when it comes to his children and divorce, but overall, he seems to have really taken a liking to her that comes with everything that a relationship is.

“I suppose so. We spoke about it and figured ah, what the hell, why not?”

“That’s nice to hear. I like you two together. He’s a good fit for you in a sense that he’s educated, sophisticated in certain ways, and he’s super mellow. That’s all you.” I always call Taylor my goody two shoes friend with the potty mouth, despite her quickly saying that it’s a label that I should be giving myself. If Jesse isn’t her perfect match, then I don’t know who is. If they don’t work out, she’ll still end up with some super educated business man or book writer of some sort. I feel like she likes them eclectic.

“And what exactly is your type? I’ve been trying to figure the shit out for the longest and it’s like I’m looking for lost treasure on some deserted island. Every single time I try and hook you up with someone, you avoid it like a plague. You’re not a lesbian. It was easy to rule that out because you didn’t want me.” I had to laugh with her, because I know she said that nonsense on purpose. She’s never been arrogant and easily becomes irritable whenever she encounters a person who is. We’ve had a ton of conversations about interviews that we’ve wanted to cut short due to some athlete thinking that he’s above being proper and approachable when speaking with us. If anything, we get it far worse than male reporters do.

“I don’t know what my type is. I feel like we all craft this dreamy guy in our heads with everything that we assume is our type, but ultimately, it’s unrealistic. There’s fantasy and reality, and in reality, there’s a lot that we’re willing to compromise about when it comes to finding love.”

“So why do you avoid hook ups? You won’t know until you get out there and try it out.”

“My sister ruined that for me. She’s the one who hooked me up with my ex and I’ve already opened up to you about how that turned out.” A moment of silence fell between us as she reflected on my past words about Shamel, while I did my best to avoid thinking about the man. It’s not very often that I do think of him because he’s an ink stain in my past that I’m working damn hard to erase.

“Well, that was then and this is now. It’s been four years since him and you’ve yet to really allow yourself to get out there. I’m pretty damn good with the vetting process, so you know I’m not bring anyone your way who I don’t believe is worthy, so what’s up? What you think of Michael B. Jordan? I know his best friend Sterling. I can hook something up. You know Black Panther is about to come out in a couple of months. He’s on fire right now.”

“Just because you have an actor in your bed doesn’t mean that I want one in mine. He’s probably running through every becky in Hollywood.”

“Oh my gosh. Shut up. You don’t know that.”

“You don’t either but it’s likely that he is. I’m not sure if I could ever get involved with a known guy. I’m sure there’s a brutal headache that comes with that. I certainly salute the wives of the players because I’ve heard more than enough stories for me to wonder why some of those women have yet to snap. The perks of being financially taken care of wouldn’t be anywhere near enough for me not to lose it. The disrespect is real.”

The manner in which those men cheat is unbelievable. I’ve heard about scenarios where the wife is in the arena sitting in the WAGs section and the mistress is only a couple of rows up amongst the spectators. Many of them have apartments in different cities that their spouses either do or do not know about. The manner in which these women flock to their hotels is shameful. And All-Star Weekend? Or even the Pro Bowl Weekend? Forget it. These are events literally created for the sake of the players being able to relax and have some fun while having their families be in the midst of it and yet they still have women all over whichever city is hosting it, fucking and sucking on them. I consider myself to be a pretty composed woman, but I don’t know how long I’d be able to keep it together if I were dealing with that. I’d probably end up on an episode of Snapped.

“Well, I can’t argue with you there, but not all of them are like that. I doubt Grant Hill has ever cheated on Tamia. What about Tim Duncan? That man isn’t cheating. Look at Ray Allen. Does he look like a cheater to you?”

“Uh, can you at least talk to me about players who are under thirty-five?”

“I doubt Steph is cheating on Ayesha.”

“The most vanilla couple in the league. Next?”

“You think Isaiah Thomas cheats?”

“Yo, T, shut up. You don’t even know what to say right now. You’re avoiding the big names because you know the deal.” I’d already been giggling, but it worsened as she side eyed me.

“All of them aren’t cheaters. What about the NFL? Look at Russell Wilson.”  

“NBA, NFL, MBL, ATP, WBA, EFL, and everything else. They’re all loosely slinging dick. Spare me.”

“And you think business men aren’t? What about the gym teachers? You think they don’t fuck around too? Doctors, lawyers, judges, scientists, you name it. There are shitty men everywhere and within every professional sector. Shit, the Starbucks barista is probably slipping in numbers while handing over caramel lattes and slinging dick too.”

“You’re right. And that’s exactly why I’m single.”

“Not everyone is the same.”

“I know that.”

“So then give yourself a chance to at least meet someone. What’s the big deal? Live a little.”

“Why are you always assuming that I’m not allowing myself to meet anyone? Have you ever thought about how I’ve yet to encounter a man who has peaked my interests? That’s truly what it is.”

“Seriously? That’s what it is?” 
“Yes.”

“I suppose I can believe that. You’re such a home body, so it’s not like you’re going to meet anyone there. You work around a bunch of old men up there at ESPN, so he won’t be there either.”

“There are some young guys behind the scenes but I’m not into the dating a co-worker thing. It just sounds like a nightmare filled with endless awkwardness.”

“That just means that I have to get you out more. That’s all.”

“You can try.”

And I’m sure she will. I most likely won’t mind it either. For as long as the environment isn’t one that’ll make me uncomfortable, I’m alright with being out on the scene. What I won’t be is “mixxy”. I’ve never been the one to feel compelled to fit into a bunch of circles in order to feel worthy of sitting at the cool table. I will always sit at my own table, whether I’m by myself or not.

“Thank you so much.” As I slipped Taylor her pass, I handed over my keys. Who the hell knew that this stadium has valet parking? Either way, I’m beyond appreciative because I can only imagine the chaos it is to find a parking space within anyone of the parking lots.

“I have two questions.”

“What?” As I slipped the lanyard around my neck, my eyes panned in her direction. Her eyebrows were already raised.

“One, what kind of Benz is that? It’s sexy.”

“It’s a 2018 E-Class Coupe.” I’d gotten it in Diamond White Metallic and didn’t even have to pay the extra fifteen hundred dollars for it. The exterior came with the night package including gloss accents and AMG body styling. The interior? Macchiato beige seats with red accents. I was able to have the heated and cooling ventilated seats, arm rests, and steering wheel that I wanted for the winter and summer time, and as far as everything else? Well it’s nice. I tuned him out because I’m not obsessed with cars enough to care about every single specific detail that doesn’t involve my safety. After going over the specifics, he was able to locate the exact make and design I wanted on Route 22 West in Union, New Jersey. As Beckham promised me, Phil Campbell certainly came through, not only with the car, but also with a damn good deal for it too.

“And who the hell are you fucking on the Eagles? I thought we were coming here with your ESPN credentials.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not fucking anyone within the sports world and you know this. Also, the Eagles? Please.”  

“Wait. O invited you to a game during that interview, right? Is this the game?” I figured she should have known. I had the jersey he gave me laying across the backseat in the car and it’s in my hand right now. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going to sporting events, especially when it’s not work related, but I most likely wouldn’t have made the trip out here knowing that I have to work in the morning, if it weren’t for his invitation of thanks.  

“Can you come on?” We would have remained standing there had I not taken off before her.

“No, I want the details of how this all happened. O’s going to be so happy that you’re here. The man is obsessed with you.”

“Why do over exaggerate everything? Is that a Gemini trait or something?”

“But I’m not over exaggerating anything. He really does adore you. He asks about you whenever I see him.”

“You’ve told me that and as I said to you before, I’m flattered that he enjoys my work.”

“Look at you thinking it’s that simple. How cute.”

“Can you cut the shit and come on? Did you have anything to drink before we left the house?”

“No, no drinks yet but I’m going to have a mojito or something while I’m here. That’s for certain.”

I’ve never experienced the perks that comes with being a VIP or an athlete’s special guest but now I understand why everyone enjoys it. It opens the doors to just about every single access point within the stadium, except the locker rooms and with my ESPN credentials, I could easily get into both locker rooms after the game if was here for that purpose. In the midst of making our way upstairs, we were given an escort who explained everything that we’re welcome to, places that we’re entitled to be, and the free merchandise that comes with the passes. I’d almost forgotten about the food and drinks Beckham mentioned as I walked past all of the concession stands. I can never pass up a good ol’ chicken tender and fries’ basket while sitting at a game.

“And here is where you’ll be. I’ll be around to accommodate anything you may need Ms. Nazaire.”

“Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.”

“No problem.”

He opened the door to allow us to step inside what I’m sure is far more than necessary in terms of accommodations and I was certainly right as my eyes swiftly glanced over the posh interior and paused on the single person already enjoying all of it; Ms. Heather Van Norman. In no way, shape, or form did he mentioned that his mother would be around and though I don’t mind whatsoever, it does not negate my nervousness.

If he didn’t tell me, I for sure hope that he informed her because I’d hate to be the person to oddly intrude on her time and privacy as she watches her son play. Oh God. What if she thinks I used the man for all of this? It’s one thing for him to give me a thank you that I don’t even believe I deserve and it’s another for the thanks to come with perks that I’m sure no other analyst can say they’ve been given. Sure, there are some kind hearted athletes who will slip you an invitation to an event of theirs or embrace you with a hug and good conversation upon seeing you out of respect and appreciation but this? Nah, I don’t think so. This is about on the same caliber of myself being invited to the man’s house. I should have declined like I originally intended to.

“Heather! Oh my gosh. I didn’t know you’d be here.” Taylor stepped around my suddenly reluctant frame and immediately went into the beautiful woman’s awaiting arms.

“I’ve been in town for two weeks now. I head back tomorrow, but I figured I’d come out here and watch my boy play before I do. It’s so good to see you Taylor. I didn’t know you were coming with Sarai.”

“I’m crashing at her house while in town for some work with the Bleacher Report. So, she dragged me out. I’m glad she did though.”

“You knew I was coming?” I’d finally spoken up. I had to ask.

“Of course. Odell told me. How are you Sarai?” Once again, she opened her arms and she awaited my presence. How could I turn her down? The embrace was not only warm and welcoming, but it felt very maternal. It��s been quite some time since I embraced my own mother, so I appreciated it along with the kiss she planted on my cheek. I’ve always heard about how pleasant she is and she has lived up to that since our first meeting in Bristol.

“I’m well. Thank you for having me.”

“Oh no, thank you for coming. O will be thrilled. He was very adamant about me making sure you’re well taken care of while here, so I intend to do that so that you can give him a good report when you leave.” Both she and Taylor chuckled and yet Taylors came with widened eyes and eventually a smirk that I wish I never saw. With Heather standing alongside her, I was the only one who could see her teasing facial expressions and if I weren’t respectful enough to watch my mouth in front of Beckham’s mother, I’d tell her about herself.

“Are more people coming?”

“His friends are here, but they’re out there in the midst of the madness. That’s where they like to be. I was down there for a bit while he was running a couple of drills but I came back up here.”

“So, it’s just us in here?” He could have gotten us regular ol’ seats. Seriously Beckham?

“Yes. Just us. There will be food and drinks. They also have lounges where you can go and have drinks and hang out if you’re interested. You don’t have to be in here with this old gal if you don’t want.”

“Old gal? Don’t be silly! You look incredible.” I nodded in agreement with Taylor. I hope to look just as incredible as she does when I’m somewhere around her age.

“You do. I’d rather stick around so that I can get tips on how to remain so great looking.”

“My tip is to remain as stress free as possible and to keep doing whatever the both of you are doing, because you’re both absolutely stunning women. I always say that the both of you are a breath of fresh air amongst the men within your field. I also give a ton of credit to Jemele Hill, Pam Oliver, Lisa Salters, Cari Champion, Josina Anderson, Erin Andrews, Sage Steele, and Kim Jones. She’s such a good one when it comes to O. I’m sorry if I’m a bit biased to the reporters who actually take the time out to understand him.”

“No, no. I get it. And you’ve named so many women that I look up to.” I’ve gotten the opportunity to meet every single woman she listed and I chose to just sit and soak up all of the advice and gems they were willing to offer so that I can transition into my sportscaster role in a knowledgeable space. It’s even more incredible that the majority of the women that she named are black faces. While there aren’t many of us, the ones that are around cannot be missed or mistaken.

“And now you have so many who look up to you, like my Jazzy. It’s full circle.”

“Aww, thank you. Is she here too?”

“No. She’s home. She’ll be up here soon enough and she’d love to meet you. She and Taylor are already homegirls, according to her.” 
“That is my homegirl. I love her.” I wouldn’t be able to escape this one and with the expression on Taylor’s face as she grabs a bottle of water off of the table, I better not even try.

“Of course. We’ll set something up.” Yet again, I’ve done something to further my connection to the Beckham Family. It’s all starting to feel like one long running coincidence at this point.

I threw the somewhat of a diet that I’m following right out of the window as I sat with a plate filled with the chicken tenders and fries that I wanted so badly. I’d been putting it off to the side, since I was so tapped into the game, but it could and probably will be finished before I leave out of here. Beckham didn’t lie when he spoke about the intensity of the games versus the Eagles and despite being inside of the suite, I could feel the energy of the nearly seventy thousand spectators in attendance. Though I came into this with a plan not to cheer for any team, I couldn’t help but to become a temporary Giants fan as I threw the Beckham jersey over my head and joined in with both Heather and Taylor’s frustration as the Giants went scoreless in first, second, and third quarters.

“Ugh! Come on.” I had to move the plate out of the way. We were already two minutes into the fourth quarter and nothing was on the board. That just about ruined my appetite.

“Come on Eli. Throw something good!”

“We have to score something. Come on Beckham!” All three of us were damn near pressed into the stainless glass windows and aching in anticipation. It was as if the man heard my plea, because within seconds after it, he received a ten-yard catch from Eli Manning and went zipping down the field to give the Giants their first touchdown of the game. The piercing scream that spilled out of my mouth damn near caused me to frighten myself as I jumped up and down with excitement. Now the shit talking could begin. Sure, were still down by seven and we nowhere near any Eagles fans, but still. Shit talking is always fun.

“Alright, we have to tie this. We can do it. That just gave us a bit of momentum.” My loud claps filled the room as I paced back and forth in hopes of a miracle from my chosen team for today.

“We got this. We got this.” Heather’s hands met my shoulders and she gave them an encouraging squeeze as her own excitement ripped through her body. It has to be beyond awesome to have such an explosive player as her kid, but then there’s the pressure. Gosh, I’d be the worst sports mom ever and would need a lifetime supply of aspirin.

“You’re going to be hoarse by the time we get out of here.” Taylor laughed while shaking her head at my antics. A shrug was my response.

“So what! We have to win this thing!”

In less than two minutes later, Eli threw a four-yard pass to Beckham that resulted in yet another touchdown for him. We’d officially tied the game and I just about lost my mind. I could literally feel his energy within the suite as he celebrated his touchdown in the showboating manner that he always does and yet I loved it. In the midst of watching them online, I could understand why people tossed the arrogant title on him and hated his celebration dances. Now, while here, looking at it live, it’s the best shit ever. How can you not celebrate after making the game tying touchdown? Shit, I’m dancing with him.

“Let’s go!”

Eli’s seventy-seven-yard pass to Sterling Shepard to give us a touchdown to take the lead made our suite sound like it was filled with more than just three people as we screamed in thrill. The Eagles tied the game once more and a field goal put us in the lead once again with just a little over two and a half minutes left on the clock. What we all thought would be the game to finally give the Giants a win after being down two games was short lived by two field goals that resulted in the Eagles again tying the game and then finally beating us by three.

I don’t think I’ve felt disappointment like this in quite a while. While the other two women within the room with me took the loss with good hearts and applauded the team for a solid effort and comeback within the fourth quarter, I sat in silence because I felt like we were robbed. We were supposed to win that game. How could we lose after those three touchdowns and that field goal attempt? That’s bullshit.

“It’s alright Sarai. They’ll get a win in when they play in Tampa Bay next week. They gained some momentum today. They just have to apply that same energy every single time.” It sounds good, but I would have liked to win today!

“Yeah, I know.”

“You sound like a kid who lost their little league game. You didn’t even play and you’re sulking more than they are.”

“Because, we could have gotten that one T.” And we should have.

“I know. It was looking good in the fourth. I thought we had it too, but it is what it is. They’ll get them next time. They play the Eagles again this season and we’ll come back to see them have their revenge.” I’m holding Taylor to that. We’re coming back for that game.

“I guess that’s fair.”

“I’m sad that it’s over. I really enjoyed your company ladies. I’m so glad that you came out.” I can admit that I enjoyed myself too. Usually, I’d be curled up on my couch right now, eating dinner, and mentally preparing myself for the week head and instead, I was able to let loose and go crazy over some football. I’d pick that every single time, if I could.

“Thank you for having us. I had a blast. I’m pissed we lost, but I still enjoyed it so much.” It was my turn to draw her in for a hug and I did it with no hesitation.

“And was everything to your liking? My son’s going to want a report.”

“Of course, of course.” We all laughed at how much she emphasized the reality that he absolutely will ask her about how things went today. Well, he has nothing to worry about. He fulfilled his thank you beyond what I could have ever imagined and I’m appreciative of it. He never owed me anything in the first place and after this, he’s more than repaid me. If anything, I owe him.

“I’m sure we’ll be doing this again at some point.”

“I think so too.” Taylor swiftly agreed with her before I could get a word in. Gosh, she better sleep with one eye open when she goes to bed tonight, because I’m going to whack the shit out of her with a pillow as soon as I get an opportunity to do so. She’s been on a roll tonight with the slickness and I’ve let it slide because it’s been jokes in-between she and I, more so coming from her alone, but now she’s involved someone else in it and she’s putting false hopes on the table that I have no capability of fulfilling. This is supposed to be and is going to be a one-time thing.

“Sounds good. Give me another hug before you two get out of here. Also, drive back to Jersey safe. Taylor, text me when you two get there.”

After those hugs, we ended up spending an addition fifteen minutes talking and I’d even exchanged numbers with her so that we could set up that meeting between Jazzy and myself. It would be my thank you to Beckham for the fun filled day here in Philly.

Despite our rush down to my car, the traffic to get out of the stadium wasn’t as beatable as we wished it would have been. We were bumper to bumper for over a half an hour and that continued as we hit the highway to head back to Edgewater.

Phenomenal game, Beckham. Nine receptions, seventy-nine yards, and two touchdowns. You and Shepard balled out. You won in my book. Keep that energy going. I know it feels a bit discouraging to not have gotten a win yet, but you’re only three games in. There’s plenty of time to turn things around and I know that you will. Rest up. And thank you for the invitation. I enjoyed myself.

I know it’s against the law to text and drive, but I’m barely driving. I’m not sure if it’s just general traffic or if there’s some sort of accident further ahead but if God is on my side, he’ll work with my impatience and get things moving along. This is what I didn’t miss about driving.

Thank you, Sarai. I wish I could’ve gotten a chance to see you after the game. I saw the picture you took with momma. You look better than me in that jersey.

I really hate that I blushed. I had to roll my eyes at myself more so than him. Get it the fuck together Sarai.

I doubt that. I’m sure the world will disagree with you as well.

And every single woman that lusts over him and his every move, daily. It’s no secret that he is probably the most sought-after bachelor in the NFL. He’s one of the youngest guys playing and the cherry on top is his lack of children. I’ve heard the chatter, simply because it’s quite hard not to. Even in my field, where he is technically forbidden fruit, he’s still a hot commodity off the field. I’d like to think that aspect of things is why he has so much media attention around him even when he isn’t playing. No one gives a damn about what Eli Manning and Abby McGrew Manning have going on within their home, but the hot, young, and black receiver? They’d much rather stalk him.

My boy Shep has this little bowling alley in the apartment building that he lives in. We’re all going to meet up over there for a bit. You should come through so that I can sign that jersey for you. I texted Taylor about it too.

Immediately, my eyes shifted in Taylor’s direction and her own playfully rolled in the direction of the window as she dropped her phone into her lap.

“Really, Taylor?”

“What? What’s the big deal? It’s a little kickback. O’s cool people. I think you know that at this point.”

“You do realize that you’re taking things a bit too far now?”

“How the hell am I taking things too far when the man has your number, invited you to a football game of his, and is now texting you about coming to hang out? You allowed him into your space, not me. I didn’t push him in your direction.”

“I’m starting to think that you probably told him that I’d be at the Bleacher Report party.”

“And so what if I did? He wanted to meet you, so I told him that you’d be around. I didn’t know what would come of it and I still don’t see what the big deal is now.”

“You know exactly what the big deal is.”

“No, I don’t. Why don’t you tell me?” Despite my tone, she annoyingly batted her eyes while whistling in anticipation for what I would say. I shouldn’t have to say it and I’m not going to, because she already knows. If anyone knows about the boundaries that we shouldn’t be crossing in any capacity, it’s her.

“You can be such an ass.”

“Or you’re arguing with me because deep down, you want to go. We can just stop by.”

“You do realize that I have to be at work first thing tomorrow morning, right?”

“I just said that we can just stop by.”

The internal battle intensified more than I expected it to as I pondered about what would come of this. It’s been quite some time since I’ve surrounded myself with a bunch of testosterones beyond ESPN and I have never in all of the years that I’ve been a sports journalist, deliberately hung out amongst athletes of any sport or circle. Though I’ve been to a ton of events where I’ve mingled among them for the sake of networking and people polite, there have never been instances of privacy or secrecy.

I’ve never been to their homes, their family events outside of charitable ones, or any other possible shindig. I’ve declined many invitations, whether they were extended to me out of flirtation or respect, and Beckham’s should be of no difference and yet here I am contemplating what could possibly be the big deal about it if I do stop by. Taylor’s advice about me needing to live my life always plays in the back of my mind whenever I’m reluctant to extend myself beyond my profession, but tonight shouldn’t be a factor within that. Nothing about him or involving him should be a fucking factor.

“Thirty minutes tops.”

“Fine.” And just like that, I’m taking the plunge. Whatever happens, happens. Actually no. Thirty minutes and all of this is all said and done.

Send me the address.

It took us an extended hour and fifteen minutes longer than the typical driving time to get us back to my place from Philly. Taylor forced me to wait in the car as she changed her footwear from sandals to Vans and minutes later, we were taking the fifteen-minute drive to Weehawken. I didn’t know Sterling lived so close to me. I remember Chanel mentioning something about him living in Hudson County when we were working on a Nike ad campaign together, but the exact city slipped my mind.

“I’m glad that ya’ll could make it out. We just bowling over some wings and non-alcoholic drinks. That game kind of did us all in, so the turn up is super tamed and lame tonight.” I suppose because we’re at his residence, it made sense for Sterling to step outside to greet us and properly direct where I’d be able to park my car.

“Sounds like Sarai’s kind of party.” And with that, I elbowed her in her side.

“Fuck you.”

“Sarai, you’re the turn down queen? I would have never thought. You stay checking the shit out of your co-hosts on that show. Both you and Chad are funny as fuck.” His laughter held an innocence that I’ve always gotten from him ever since he was a Goner at the University of Oklahoma. Sterling’s one of those guys who you can’t help but to cheer for. He has such a genuine spirit and he comes from a great family.

“I’m not the turn down queen. I’m just more on the chill side.”

“I can respect it.” Music blared from the miniature bowling alley as we walked through the lobby and eventually stepped inside, but the scene didn’t contain too many. As I expected, there was Chanel Iman, Sterling’s girlfriend, and two guys that I’m not quite familiar with. No Odell in sight. I guess Sterling was being truthful about the tamed vibe.

“Aw shit. If it isn’t the Most Wanted by Every Ballplaying Nigga number one and number two.” His loudness made his statement funnier than it should have been. It’s not the first time either one us have heard it and it won’t be the last.

“Ignore Ben’s stupid ass. Oh, and O’s coming. He ran upstairs to the crib.”

His introduction was just as amusing as his opening statement and he didn’t let up as he continued to speak about the never-ending lust for the “young thangs” that he described both Taylor and I to be. He introduced his friend as Kav. Chanel, I’ve known for a while now. I dabbling in modeling for the sake of branding, so we’ve crossed paths enough to be acquaintances.

“I left those kicks upstairs on the dining room table for you. Both colorways.” My heart thrashed against my chest cavity as the baritone of his sometimes-raspy voice resounded through my bones. It’s so low and soft, and yet powerful enough to command the attention of everyone in the room as their eyes shifted in his direction. His casual entrance felt like something grandeur as he halted in his steps and locked eyes with me. Staring became our form of communication, as his deep and intoxicating eyes expressed things to me that I don’t want or need to know. Though I couldn’t break the glaring, it was him who decided to do so by washing his eyes over my entire frame. I could have turned into a pillar of dust idly lying in the middle of the floor as Taylor touched my arm and suddenly pulled her hand in response to the endless number of goosebumps trickling along my skin and the lump in my throat? If I suffocate, then fine. At least this moment will cease.

“Sarai Nazaire.” My name flowed from his rosy lips so slickly and yet with a disbelief that I couldn’t quite understand. He invited me here.

“And Taylor Rooks.” Ben immediately interjected. I’m going to assume he’s to Beckham what T is to me.

“I see my homie. What’s up T?”

“Odell! My favorite guy!” Their embrace was first and I was glad of it. It allowed me some time to gain maybe ten percent of the composure I once had when I was sitting in front of my house and debating with myself on whether I should call it a night or not. I haven’t had much of it since then.

“Your favorite guy? O ain’t shit.”

“Never took you to be the jealous type brother.” He and Sterling shared a laugh in the midst of he and T’s embrace and then it was my turn. He hesitated just as much as I did.

“I’m so glad that you made it here. I thought you were going to stand me up.” Despite the extension of my arms, it was his large palms that drew me closer by my waist, and he eventually tightened his body around my own and slightly rocked the both of us from side to side.

“How are you?” I was going to stand him up. I should have stood him up.

“I’m well. You?” 
“Good. Can’t complain.”

“I’m mad that I didn’t see ya’ll at the game. I started to come and sit up there with Heather, but I was with Tweedledee and Tweedledum the whole time. I didn’t even know ya’ll were there.” Chanel’s side eye to Beckham earned my laughter.

“I didn’t know you were there either, but I should have known. You’re always supporting the boo.” As she affectionately wrapped her arms around Sterling’s waist, she nodded to confirm my observation. They’re adorable together. The last guy she dated was Jordan Clarkson and despite their cuteness, I believe Sterling is the one. There’s something about their chemistry that just connects and has bonded into the strongest mold.

“Aye, we have drinks over here. Strawberry Lemonade. And there’s some hot wings, barbecue wings, and some odd flavored mango wing shits that Kav ordered. Ya’ll can help yourselves to it. We started two games. O’s whooping my ass because I’m letting him.”

“Nah, I’m whooping your ass because it’s what I do.”

“Anyway, as I said, I’m letting bleach boy win. We gon’ restart, so that we all can play. Since we’re in an odd number, we won’t do teams. We can all put twenty in for shits and giggles, and because I’m cheap as hell. Winner takes all.”

Though I hadn’t announced it, bowling has always been a side activity of mine. Both of my parents were apart of some neighborhood bowling club or whatever the hell it was back in the day and I’d always be there with them learning their techniques and observing all of the older couples and their decades old love for one another. Even with the warnings to “stay out of grown folks’ business” I was still able to be in the midst of the fun per my dad’s permission because he took me just about everywhere with him. Though slightly rusty, it didn’t stop me from winning a hundred and forty dollars tonight.

“Aye, Sarai and Taylor, let me ask ya’ll some real shit. No judgement. Ya’ll ever dated athletes?” It was Ben’s millionth question of the night and much like all of them, his curiosity always peaked in personal areas.

“One, a few years ago. I haven’t dated another since.” Kendall Marshall. I’m not surprised that she didn’t say his name, though.

“Sarai?”

“None, ever.”

“No one?”

“No.” The rumors are out there, but they’re all false. I’ve just never felt compelled to clear anything up because if I start, I’ll never be able to stop doing so.

“But wouldn’t that be an issue though?” Kav asked the anticipated follow up question.

“I mean, it all depends on the circumstances. If you’re an NFL reporter and you’re dating an NBA player, there isn’t much they can do to you in terms of firing you, though you may be frowned at about it. That’s not a conflict of interest. Some networks are stricter than others when it comes to that. Turner isn’t fond of it. The Bleacher Report doesn’t give a shit about who I involve myself with because they’re a bit more progressive, I suppose.” She half-assed the response which then caused it all to be left up to me to finish up.

“My show covers all major sporting news, mostly within the United States. Our most important coverage is always going to be the NBA and NFL, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t touch base on baseball, tennis, and a few of the others every now and then. So, as far as myself, it’s a conflict of interest no matter which way you look at it.” Yet again, our eyes locked with one another but he didn’t flinch in the manner that I urged for him to. I aimed to set up disappointment and he didn’t bite the bait. If anything, my words flowed into one of his caramel toned ears and right out of the other.

“I think when the heart wants what it wants, none of that other shit matters. It’ll figure itself out. Right?” His tongue lightly ran over his lips in unison with his nonchalant shrug and Chanel bid him a high-five in appreciation for his words. 
“For someone so passionate about the sport that you play, I can’t ever imagine you doing anything to jeopardize your ability to be able to play it.” How or why would he ever? Love is great, but is having it in risky manners ever worth it? That always comes with sacrifice and adjustments that are life altering. Is it really love when you have to let go of so many different aspects of who you are to have it?

“Football is a major part of my life, but it isn’t my life. I’m starting to learn that a lot nowadays. I find myself praying for more time for myself, my family, and my life beyond that field. I’m not going to be playing forever. An empty ass house means that I don’t have much to show for what I worked so hard for. How does all of this even matter if I’m not sharing it? As far as the jeopardize part, I’m willing to fight for and alongside anyone who is going to do the same for me.”

“Why have people in your life that you have to fight for?”

“Because love, no matter which way it comes, isn’t always easy. It’s not supposed to be. I’m going to always fight for those that I love. You’ve never had anyone fight for you?”

He rendered me to speechlessness and a silence discomfort that I may not have masked with my facial expression. I had no answer to give or rather, I didn’t have one that I wanted to give him.

“Alright Sojourner Truth and Martin Luther King, there’s no need to be all deep about this shit. Damn. Ya’ll making me think and it’s too late for all of that.” Ben lightened the moment as Odell stood to his feet and he stepped away from the booth, but halted…for me.

“Sarai. I want to see your new ride before ya’ll go.” How the hell did he know that I was getting ready to throw in the towel and tell Taylor to come on?

“Go and I’ll meet you outside. I’m going to use the bathroom.”

Or she’s creating yet another awkward moment for me.

What was once ninety degree whether nicely calmed down to the high seventies and the cool breeze coming from the Hudson River soothed me as we walked along the exterior of the building. Beckham chose to leave his hands dug into the pockets of his windbreaker style shorts while my eyes panned down and remained focused on his crimson red Nike sneakers.

“Is that it?” I followed his finger and immediately nodded.

“Whew! That thang is on point. And you got the white too? Ain’t nothing like a clean pearly white car. I have to see the guts.” The guts?

It only took one press of a button to unlock the doors and just like that, he was sitting inside on the passenger side taking in the interior like a kid in a candy store. It’s pretty nice but I wasn’t anywhere near as impressed as he is.

“You doing it with this one. Nice pick Sarai.” I scoffed at his modesty. As if he isn’t the one who chose it.

“Shouldn’t you be complimenting yourself?”

“Not really. I gave you the advice, but I never picked out the specifics. This is better than I envisioned it, honestly. I figured you’d go for black or blue.” Black was the original choice until I saw the white one. It stood amongst all of the choices of its kind.

“It is pretty cool, huh?” As I slipped in on the driver’s side, I gave the car a start so that he’d be able to see the beauty of the interior illuminating in its nighttime mode.

“For sure. You look good in here. This fits you well.” For just that moment, he stared at the side of my head while I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel in an anxiousness for Taylor’s presence. Like the most dominant magnet, his aura drew my glare to him.

I’d always believed that perfection doesn’t exist, especially within men, and grandma Lèilin would immediately beg to differ. She informed me that there comes a time when a woman does lay her eyes on a man who is perfect for her in every single sense, flaws and all. He’ll be the most beautiful man she’s laid her eyes on. Grandpa Lesly was that for her.

I’ve never been so at a loss for words until being within this man’s presence. The symmetry of his face is sculpted to an unfair perfection and it impeccably compliments his narrow eyes. There’s no wild bushiness to his eyebrows; they’re tamed and follow the arches of his smiles and frowns. His nose is not too small and yet not too vast. It’s literally made to fit his face. His lips. Dear God. Small and yet supple. A perfect hue of rose. The full beard oozes confident masculinity and yet the bright platinum blonde mane of curls on top of head has this playful and unique sexiness that’s solely for him alone, no matter how many people try to replicate it. He’s beyond handsome; beautiful is more like it. I can see what makes them all go crazy, whether female or male. I understand why all eyes are on him. I’m drowning in the intrigue and yet seeking a lifeboat to get me the hell out of here.

“Eh. It’s a car.” That’s really all it is.

“I’m ready.” The sound of her dragging out the last word startled the both of us as she approached the passenger side and she playfully shooed the man out of my passenger seat and slipped inside after a brief hug with him.

“We enjoyed it O. Thanks for the invite.”

“It ain’t nothing. I’m just glad ya’ll came.”

“We’ll do it again for sure. I’ll catch up with you soon.” Their fists bumped and she closed the door behind herself. I figured that would have been the goodbye necessary for me to drive off into the night and yet his boldness continued as he stepped around to the driver’s side of the car and opened my door.

“Step out for a minute.”

“Why?”

“Just for one minute.” He awaited my hand to latch onto his own and it did within a couple of seconds. As soon as I was secured on my feet, he immediately drew me in for a tight hug and a soft kiss to the forehead.

“Thank you so much Sarai.”

“You’re welcome, Beckham.” The deep chuckle that rattled from his frame weakened mine.

“Am I always going to be Beckham? If you like the last name, I’m willing to share it.” And with that I drew away from him and lightheartedly mushed him out of the way. We’re not going there. Not now or ever, though I’m well aware that it’s a joke.

“Turn around. I have to sign your jersey.”

I did as he asked and stood still as he moved his marker from number to number along the back of it.

“What does it say?”  

“Read it when you get home.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight Sarai Nazaire.”

“What is it with you and the saying my whole name thing?”

“It’s sexy, very sexy.”

“Flirting comes natural to you, I see.”

“I’m not flirting. Flirting is filled with jokes. I’ve yet to joke with you.”

I slipped inside of the car to avoid the urge to look into his eyes once more. Closing the door create the barrier that I so badly needed. Yet again, my heart was thrashing against my chest and if I don’t get the hell away from him, I don’t think I’ll be good to drive us anywhere.

“Hit me when ya’ll get in so I’ll know you made it safe. No speeding Sarai.”

“We’ll text you.” Taylor answered for me as she messed with the radio to find a station of her liking. As I pulled away from the parking space, he stood there and watched. In my rearview window, I could see a final wave from him before he turned to walk away.

I couldn’t be bothered with my nightly shower as I began stripping out of everything covering my body. I’ll need it in the morning when I’m dragging out of bed to prepare for work. It’ll also work with the strong ass cup of coffee I’m certainly going to need.

“Goodnight!”

“Night!” Though I closed the door minutes ago, I’m sure she heard me.

As I tossed everything into the dirty clothing basket near my closet, I decided to take a peek at the signature on the back of the jersey. With the way he moved the marker, there had to be more than just his first and last name back there.

“Sarai Nazaire. There aren’t enough words to describe how thankful I am for you. Thank you for everything that you are and all that you do. You Are The Prototype.” And along the bottom was his notorious signature.

Rather than tossing it inside of the basket, I put it on a hanger and hung it up inside of the closet. My next move was to grab my phone.

Goodnight Beckham.

That’s enough for him to know that we made it in safely.

Goodnight Sarai Nazaire.

Sleep is the last thing that I’ll be able to do tonight. Whether my eyes are open or closed, all that I can see is him.  

[2edge4u]

I can't sleep so here

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My gf

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Very shy unless I'm comfortable around them

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My gf on Tuesday

4. Are you easy to get along with? I would like to think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Mallory

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Mmmnm girls typically kind and sweet ones

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Most def

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Lmao no

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends on who I'm talking to

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My gf Mallory

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Good night babe 😙

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? If I can't have you, poetry by dead men, dura remix, bilingue, please me

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? God yes and my gf does it all the damn time

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Idk it would be nice but sometimes it just kinda feels like were all just going through the motions and stuff like that just eases the pain and hopelessness

15. What good thing happened this summer? I lost a shit ton of weight

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A million times

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? It would be naive to believe that there isn't the universe is fucking huge

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Lmfaooo no

19. Do you like bubble baths? Yeah but I gotta shower first. The idea of sitting in body soup makes me queasy.

20. Do you like your neighbors? Fuck no they're horrible people but my rent is cheap 🤷‍♀️

21. What are you bad habits? Over thinking and second guessing are at the top of the list

22. Where would you like to travel? Sooooo many places Florida is the worst get me out

23. Do you have trust issues? Yeah I guess so but I will trust those who treat me right

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going the fuck to sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My thighs

26. What do you do when you wake up? Say good morning to Mallory then go pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? This is a kinda fucked up question but I mean I guess I don't like being this pale but I also like being inside so

28. Who are you most comfortable around? My gf and my mom

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes and I blocked that bitch 🤷‍♀️

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yep

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Lmao no I'm too butch to have long hair anymore but I'm still pretty soft

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I tried a threesome once in college and it was not a good time so no thanks. One girl at a time for me.

33. Spell your name with your chin. U8u7fw nailed it

34. Do you play sports? What sports? I used to play basketball but I'm too lazy so

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Fuck off that's impossible I'm a millennial

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Oh definitely

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Depends on who it is

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I'm lucky because I'm already dating her 😍 long hair, blue eyes, working her dream job and super passionate about it, the epitome of sweet and kind, very good kisser, great listener, my little spoon, so fucking smart, knows the difference between your and you're, holds me when I need it, fixes my headaches, and she loves me back.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Publix and target

40. What do you want to do after high school? Bitch I graduated in 2005 I've already changed careers once and I'm about to do it again

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yeah unless they diddle kids or hurt women

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I'm angy or sad

43. Do you smile at strangers? You know that white person passing you in the hallway smile

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Fuck the ocean honestly so many things can bite or sting me

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Making money and seeing my gf

46. What are you paranoid about? Hahahaha so much

47. Have you ever been high? Yeah long time ago

48. Have you ever been drunk? Mhm

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Not really

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? I literally only wear black and grey everything

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Oh definitely

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Smaller boobs

53. Favourite makeup brand? Lmao I haven't worn makeup since college

54. Favourite store? Bitch I already answered this

55. Favourite blog? Hmmmm I can't choose y'all bitches are funny

56. Favourite colour? Grey

57. Favourite food? Hmmm salad and mashed potatoes. I also love Mexican food.

58. Last thing you ate? Caprese salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? Pussy, next question

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Lmao a lot of music competitions and also water skiing

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Lmao no I'm too scared to get in trouble

62. Been arrested? For what? I've never even been pulled over so no

63. Ever been in love? Yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? It was behind the big tire on the playground so no one would see. Lasted .5 seconds and we never talked again.

65. Are you hungry right now? Nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Yeah

67. Facebook or Twitter? Neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? Always

70. Names of your bestfriends? Mallory, Chris and Kjersten

71. Craving something? What? Reeses with the pieces inside that shit slaps

72. What colour are your towels? Grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One for my head and one for in between my legs

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? None

75. Favourite animal? Puppies and kitties

76. What colour is your underwear? Grey and blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Chocolate covered cherry

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? I'm not wearing a shirt

80. What colour pants? No pants either just boxers and a sports bra

81. Favourite tv show? Fuck you I can't choose

82. Favourite movie? Texas chainsaw

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Why would you even ask me this the original obviously

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Gretchen wieners

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory

87. First person you talked to today? Mallory

88. Last person you talked to today? Mallory

89. Name a person you hate? My boss and the majority of my colleagues

90. Name a person you love? My gf

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Nah I don't really like punching ppl

92. In a fight with someone? No

93. How many sweatpants do you have? I'm a lesbian so a lot

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Idk like 10ish?

95. Last movie you watched? Rocky horror

96. Favourite actress? So many

97. Favourite actor? Why tf do some people still separate this by gender

98. Do you tan a lot? Lmao no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah I live in the south

99. Have any pets? Yep a dog and 2 cats

100. How are you feeling? Slept literally all day so I can't sleep but my headache is finally gone 🙌

101. Do you type fast? Yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Mhm

103. Can you spell well? I would like to think so

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? My grandparents

[embracesufferdestroy-blog]

When You Don’t Go the Same Way As Everyone Else Around You

It becomes tricky. Not so much at first...but eventually a lot of people find themselves in a very lonely and uncomfortable place.

What the fuck am I talking about? Choosing a different path from all your peers; and in doing so watching your entire social life disappear.

So find new friends? Find better people! So much easier said than done these days. At least when it comes to real life friends who you can actually meet up with for dinner or coffee or just to hang out in your living room. I can cast my line into ocean of available and awesome online friends...and pull up 10 potential keepers...but the reality of the situation is - that’s not what I need. It’s also not what I want. Quality over quantity is a big thing for me.

This is the PoV from someone who is stuck on the opposite end of the spectrum that ALL their friends ended up on the same side of...and it’s honest, which may come off as selfish in a way, but I don’t really care.

It started off easy enough. You’re in your early 20s, everyone’s finally done with school...you’re hanging out, doing things, going places. Sponteneity is the name of the game. Bored at 11:30-12 on a Tuesday night? Call up so-and-so and let’s go for a ride! Yes! Life is still fun.

But then the slippery slop starts. Your first friend gets engaged or randomly married without even mentioning it to anyone. Then suddenly it’s a downfall of repetition. Dates turn into boyfriends and girlfriends...which turn into moving in together...and then marriage.

Suddenly you’re 26 and you’re the only single person left in your social circle. Never even been on a date before. Can’t even BUY a date. So for a time or two - you take them up on their offers of joining them out, or for dinner, but it dawns on you super fast that “being the third wheel” is actually a thing. Dinner dates turn awkward because the couple you’re with starts arguing or nitpicking. You feel like you’re there more as a relationship/marriage counselor as opposed to being their friend. So you stop accepting their offers for going out.

Then the slope just gets more and more slippery. The first baby happens...followed by a fucking AVALANCHE OF BABIES. 

You’re 27 and suddenly everyone’s fertility must’ve magically activated one night. You still haven’t even been on your first date. Can’t even make it past the “hello” phase of dating websites. Great.

For a while you try to be there for your struggling new mom/dad friends. The babies are cute for about a month...and then it soon becomes apparent that you no longer have the friend you once had. It starts to seep into your bones - the fact that for the next like 15-20 (or more!) years that you’ll never really have an opportunity to spend time with the friend you ONCE had. They’re not the same. All the fun has been sucked right out of them. They’ve turned into a nonstop volcano of complaints about dirty diapers, lack of sleep, too much crying, overbearing mother-in-laws (mothers-in-law?)...the list goes on. 

Spontaneity has gone out the window. Bored on a Tuesday night now? Too bad for you. Time to load up Netflix or just keep on gaming because you know for certain that if you even tried to make plans with any of your friends you’d just be met with “nap/bed time...” and “my husband can’t be trusted to watch her alone for more than 15min” and “I’m just too tired and I have to be up at 7am to take <stupidly named child> to <place>.”

Then suddenly 30 hits...and you feel like FINALLY MAYBE you’ve reached some sort of plateau. Some of the kids are old enough now to be a little more self-reliant so mom can come over. Except...mom never wants to come over. Because in 2019 it has become WAY too much of a goddamn chore to bring your children along with you ANYWHERE that isn’t a trip to the grocery store or Target that you can post about on FB because little Tutu Fairy Princess had a meltdown over being told she’s not allowed to buy a lacy black thong that she pulled out of a bin of sale undies.

So there you are, you’re freshly 30, still have never even been on a date. Still can’t even get a response to a “hello” on any dating website you’ve been on for the last 6 years.

Then you’re 33 and it’s still no better. The years keep going by, and you keep hoping that maybe your friends will slowly start returning to the land of the friendships...but it’s a dead hope. You no longer really have friends. Sure, in each others’ hearts you still hold a special place - but when is the last time you actually saw each other and spent REAL MEANINGFUL time together? And I mean more than just a 90min lunch date that was speckled with phone calls from an absent-minded husband, and nonstop rants about child stuff...and absolutely NO conversation about anything else but THEIR life and THEIR family and THEIR child(ren). By the time you get back in your car - YOU’RE tired just from hearing about children and all their bullshit.

All your friends are essentially lost to the wind. Even the ones who claimed they NEVER wanted to get married and/or NEVER wanted children. They all went to the dark side. They all caved in and gave in to “norms” and pressures. “It was easier to just have a kid rather than listen to my parents AND his parents bitch at us all the time coz we hadn’t provided them with a grand child yet.” Um, ok...wow.

So you start reaching out to online communities, in one last-ditch effort to try and find a real friend.

You’ve tried. So many times. To meet up with other voluntarily child-free adults...but it turns out to be utterly fruitless. They’re so few and far between, and most of them are just downright violent/horrible about their vocal hatred of children. I mean, I hate kids and never want any, but I’d never sit there and talk about wanting to physically hurt them like some of these weirdos have a tendency to do. If it’s not being TOTALLY put off by their strangely violent dreams of hurting kids - they just turn out to be wholly incompatible with you for whatever reason. Too much of a gap in age, zero common interests, they’re boring as fuck an only sit there and watch TV during all their free time.

Going through dating profiles is excruciating in your 30s when you don’t want a child in the picture. It’s almost impossible to find a woman in her 30s-40s without a child. Even lesbians now all have multiple children. The single men in their 30s-40s are all single dads with an accidental child from an old girlfriend who they KNEW it was never going to work with. And then you remember that you’re 33 and still haven’t been on one date, and have never even received a response to a “hello” on any dating websites/apps...so you just deactivate all your profiles and prepare for a loveless life.

Even talking to a lot of people gets hard when you tell them that you don’t want kids. “why not?! that’s sooo sad, omg” “oh, you can still change your mind!” “you WILL change your mind when the right woman/man comes along!” Eh, no. Fuck you, cunt. I’m 33 years old now, and for more than half my life I’ve known that being a parent is something I NEVER want to be. Stop telling women that. Seriously. It’s annoying. And devaluing of us as people. I’m more than just a potential incubator. My goddamn incubator doesn’t even work! So what? Am I less of a woman now? No.

So there it is. Climbing through your 30s. No friends. No dates. No social life outside of an occasional gaming night with an online friend who lives across the country.

I severely wish more people in my life had chosen the child-free path.

[mintythefreshest]

GUYSGUYSGUYS IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

So I recently found a post on a website written by @thatdiabolicalfeminist which describes what a lesbian experience is like before someone realizes they're a lesbian, and I just want to say THANK YOU, I needed this, it's incredibly validating to realize that I'm not lying to myself, that I'm definitely not straight and I should be proud :))

Here's the text post, since I can't find the original on their blog:

"Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

 Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity. 

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community. 

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard. 

‘Attraction’ to men

Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities 

Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him

Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)

Picking a guy at random to be attracted to

Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing

Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them

Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way (losing interest when a long-haired or androgynous guy cuts off his hair or grows a beard is common)

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with

Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them

Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them

Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

Feeling anxious and put on the spot any time you interact with any guy who could conceivably be interested in you, even if he doesn’t make a move

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic

Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually

Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with 

Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted

OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance 

Only having sex with men that’s about fulfilling their fantasies or pleasing them

Spending the whole time making sure you look or sound hot and not really thinking about what feels good

Using sex with men as a form of self-harm

Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and that you’re crying etc for no reason)

Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it

Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women

Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else

Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)

Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend

Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic

Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent

Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate

Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”

When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”

Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)

Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men, and being more careful not to look than they are

Spending a lot of time looking at women and appreciating/being curious about their bodies

Being really curious about women who defy gender roles in some way, finding defying gender roles in dress, behaviour, styling etc really appealing and cool

The 'straight’ version of you

Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women

Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media

Thinking you’re just a super intense feminist for genuinely thinking women are amazing and having an overwhelming preference for their company

Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”/“fashion goals”

Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men

Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic

Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+ 

Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.

Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay 

Exploring attraction to women

Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman

Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman

Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know 

Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position

Really focusing on the women in het porn

Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’

Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that

Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired 

Gender Feelings

Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian

Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy

Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian

Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you

Wishing straight people and/or men didn’t parse you as a woman, but being totally comfortable with the idea of other women seeing you as one of them

Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian

Knowing you’re gay, but feeling like you’re struggling against comp het stuff – discomfort, obligation, fear, disinterest, self-objectification, etc. – when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man

Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be

Feeling alienated from all the male-gazey unrealistic depictions of lesbians as only being young thin rich white cis abled conventionally attractive gender conforming straight actresses in tv/movies/porn and thinking that alienation means you can’t be gay 

Discovering that your type is gnc women or women who share your underrepresented demographic and that’s why you’re not really attracted to celebrities

Not feeling attracted to straight women but suddenly having lots of crushes when you know for sure certain women are bi/gay

Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy

Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly

Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men

Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you

Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake

Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of/lack of interest in any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.  

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)"

Again, this post is from @thatdiabolicalfeminist , all credit is to them

[werevulvi]

I really do love butches, soft butches, really hard/stone butches and anything in between. But what my actual preference is I'm not sure. It's possible I don't really have a preference for either butches or other femmes. However I do feel very drawn to the butch/femme dynamic and I seem to dream a bit more about meeting a butch and falling hard for her, and in my mind I think me and a butch would complement each other really well as a couple.

And that's also not at all because I've previously been in relationships with men, despite being a lesbian. I don't connect butch women to men, and I'm not seeking a man in butch women. I think that might be important to clarify. I was never impressed by masculinity in men. It kinda scared me or at best came across as them trying too hard. The only kinds of men I really envied when I thought I was a trans man, was gnc men. But masculinity in women is just something else entirely, and yes that does impress me. Masculinity in women feels safe, invigorating, empowering, sexy. While in men it's intimidating.

However I used to take a distance from butches in my past, not that I had anything against them, but they used to make me a little uncomfortable. That was only because I've often tried to force myself to be masculine (and others trying to force me to it as well) and that didn't work out well. So I was really just uncomfortable with myself as masculine. But now that I've found my true self, my femme self and my lesbian self, I've let go of that discomfort cause I'm no longer forcing myself to try to be something I am not, and that makes me see butches in a different, much more positive light. I noticed I do have a love for them, I'm just not one myself.

I guess I'm being silly, but the thought of this makes me feel a little awkward... That my mom who's a straight woman, is very masculine and has actively rejected femininity her whole life. And like... if I'd have a butch girlfriend at some point in the future I just get that awkward mental picture of her and my mom like... staring at each other and seeing a lot of resemblence.

I'm trying to say it could look a lot like I'm trying to find a girlfriend who looks and is like my mom. And that feels a little awkward.

But then I wonder... just how many femme lesbians have a masculine mom? Of course I was influenced by her, when I grew up, and how she influenced me could absolutely have affected my preferences for other women. No matter how creepy that might seem. But that is a thing for straight people, meaning daughters ending up with men who are like their fathers, and sons ending up with women who are like their mothers. So I think it can totally be a thing for gay people too, at least theoretically (but just the other parent), perhaps especially for those of us who had the luck to have supportive parents. So, although I don’t connect butches to men, I do probably very likely connect them to my mom and how she’s always taken well care of me (in traditionally masculine ways) and been my rock, at least on some subconscious level. In a sense, I’ve always felt she’s been both my mother and my father figure, and I think that might play a role here. Don’t worry though, I’m working through my “mommy issues” too..... cause I know I cling to her more than I should or need to. But my reason for that is I’m kinda mentally disabled and my mom is kind of my “caretaker” in a sense, but I am more dependent on her than I need to be and that’s where it gets difficult. That’s a kind of a different topic, however, it does mean I have to be careful to not try to make a future girlfriend into my mom. (Wow, that coin of awkwardness rolls both ways, huh?)

I dunno what I'm saying with this. My mom's similarities with butches won't ever stop me from dating a butch if I'd hit off well with her. Then my mom would (hopefully) be the last thing on my mind. (My mind is a traumatised wreckage though, so I can't be too sure what would be on it in that sort of moment.) But it's just something I've thought about. Also this might be super common and maybe I'm feeling awkward about something that half of all lesbians experience... I dunno, I'm new here!

Also I don't consider my mom butch because she's not a lesbian, but the thing is the more I learn about butches/butchness, the more I understand my mom in how/why she rejects femininity and disconnects from womanhood because of it. So that says something. But I do and will only refer to her as simply "masculine" or possibly gnc. She doesn't use any labels to refer to herself, but I just can't language like that, so yeah.

I'm just ranting, this isn't really a deep worry or anything I'm particularly anxious about, aside from my “mommy issues” perhaps (I don’t know if that’s what I should call it). Those might be a little worrysome. But I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind me dating women that are similar to her. It would likely only be "awkward" in the sense we'd probably all three laugh and blush about it, if anything. Nothing bad. So please don't take it too seriously. I mean do take my love for butches seriously, though.

[problemsofabooknerd]

My Personal Sexuality Journey

Pride Day 6!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

For the past few days, I have mainly been discussing books on this blog. Which is, hey, the topic of the blog so that makes sense! But today I want to get a bit more personal. I identify as a lesbian, but that has not always been the case, so today we’re going to get into the nitty gritty of my sexuality journey. It’s... long.So, I hope you’re all ready. 

So, to begin with, I am not one of those “well, I’ve just always known” sort of people when it comes to being hella queer. I grew up in a hyper-religious area in Utah, and we were not exposed to a lot of queer content in any variety. My parents were always cool with The Gays, but it wasn’t a topic that was really openly discussed. I think Glee was possibly my first exposure to a visibly queer character, and that show started when I was in high school. So, basically, I didn’t have any inklings I might not be straight until college. But first, let’s go back to high school a bit.

When I was a junior in high school I managed to nab a boyfriend for about a minute and a half. The thing about being attracted to girls when you don’t really know that’s an option is that, at least in my experience, you start to assume attraction must just feel like ah, I would very much like to be friends with that person. This is probably what a crush is. I’m not saying that’s not an authentic way to crush, because I definitely think it is, but when I was young and sure of my heterosexuality, I rationalized that the desire for friendship and hanging out was actually me wanting a relationship. 

I hung out with lots of guys in high school. They were cool, awkward, nerdy guys and I liked being friends with them. I also knew they liked me, so I was willing to go on dates or to dances should one of them ask.Which is how I wound up with my high school boyfriend. He was sweet, we shared a sense of humor, and I loved being around him. Shockingly, it was whenever he wanted to move past friendship activities that I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, that fear or that resistance, but I knew that I couldn’t continue forwards in a relationship. I ended it, frustrated because I felt like I was losing a close friend rather than a romantic partner. It was a ridiculously confusing and frustrating time all around.

After high school, I went on a date with a friend’s cousin. He was what I perceived as my type, awkward and nerdy, and I knew he liked me. We went to his place after dinner and he tried to make out with me while I argued that he was missing important plot points of the first episode of Sherlock. He was shoving his tongue in my mouth and I was upset because they were dropping hints on screen that would be revealed later and oh my god when they break down the mystery at the end you are going to be so confused.

So.... that was one of the gayer situations of my gay life.

In college, I moved out of Utah and across the country to New Jersey where I attended an exceedingly queer liberal arts college. The new friends I was making were - at least I assumed at the time - the first gay people I had ever met. This later turned out to be absurd, as I’m not the only person at my high school who has since come out. But here they all were! Queer, vibrant, and proud. And I was so excited to be a part of a world where you could be who you are, even though I knew I was definitely, absolutely, without question the Straightest™ person I knew. 

Cut to me meeting a girl my second day of orientation. Cut to me suddenly being thrust into a friendship a lot more intense than any other friendship I had been a part of. Cut to the end of Freshman year.

My second year, I became roommates with The Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll stop being all weird and secretive. Most of you know I fell for my roommate, and that her name was Janel. But my college self, who was confused by attraction and by what the intensity of certain feelings towards people meant, had no idea. 

Despite the fact that the people around me were telling me that what I was describing was clearly romantic, I didn’t want to admit to myself they might be onto something. I was even confronted a few times about how I identified at school. Here I was, this girl with short hair who was super close to her roommate. Like, we held hands. It was, um, super gay. It was super, super gay and I wouldn’t talk about it.

 I knew I might want to kiss her. I also knew I didn’t want to be one of Those Girls that makes out with their queer friend and then backs out immediately. 

See, because the thing was, I knew she wasn’t straight. And that added whole other levels to the situation. I knew if I kissed her she wouldn’t mind. And that was a big, open possibility that scared me right to the back of the questioning closet. 

What if I kiss her and I don’t feel anything?

What if she wants to kiss me back and I hurt her?

What does it mean if I want to kiss her?

What if I kiss her and I do feel something?

Am I gay?

Am I bi?

Is it just her?

What if I hurt her what if I hurt her what if i hurt her?

That’s basically the first semester of sophomore year in a nutshell. And then, one night, things reached a tipping point of sorts. We were playing Friends trivia and drinking absolutely foul sweet tea vodka and lemonade. We were beyond drunk, and when she asked how I would feel about her kissing me, I said she should.

When I woke up the next day, I was scared. And I panicked. Because it had definitely meant something, but that meant I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t know how to deal with a self that wasn’t straight. I had no blueprint for that, so I said it didn’t mean anything. And I hurt her.

The thing is, I always take time coming to terms with things. I’m not necessarily scared of change, but I’m scared of becoming someone new. Because I don’t know that person, and I’m intimidated by people I don’t already know. I’m scared of telling others the ways I have changed, and forcing them to relearn me. It feels like a process, changing part of your identity, and that process was too big to conceptualize. So I made bad choices, I ran, and I spent a month and a half of winter break trying to decide who I was.

When I came back to school, I felt like I had a new version of myself I could live with. My personal identity, the words I used, they didn’t matter. What mattered is that I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Thus began the portion of my life where I identified as idk I guess I’m just attracted to pretty people. I think I stole that one from Orange is the New Black, probably because that show is terrified of saying the word B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Shhh, don’t let the showrunners know that it’s real and out there!

After a while, I got into the bi pride side of tumblr. It vibed with me and how I felt about myself. Part of being able to accept my same gender attraction came from Korrasami - two bi girls who fell for each other in Legend of Korra. It came from reading miles of Dean Winchester is bi meta. And finally, after a few months, I was able to accept that label for myself. I had a boyfriend in high school and I thought David Tennant was pretty, which meant of course I still had to fit my relationships with men somewhere into my sexuality. I was bisexual, and I wore that word with pride.

It took a really long time to not identify as bi anymore. I mean, when I semi-came out to my grandmother I was still using the word “bisexual” to describe myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone else that word, anyone but Janel, but it felt like maybe it was a place for me to meet in the middle. To still know myself, but to know myself better. I could be the person I was, but I could also be someone new.

For a while on YouTube I was like ~undercover gay~. Like, in a “everyone knows” way but also in an “I don’t talk about it” way. My family watched my channel, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I adored my girlfriend, but there was still this constant underlying terror that I would hurt everyone around me if I changed again. If I told my family my identity, and it changed, I didn’t know how anyone would be able to deal with it. I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. 

I was also terrified of the word “lesbian”, but like that’s a whole other list of internal shit I don’t want to get in to because this post is long enough as it is. 

When I finally started to use the word “gay”, it felt like a step in the right direction. But it was also a tiptoe. I said it, terrified people would come out of the woodwork asking about my past relationships and interest in men. That they would confront me for thirst posting about popular tumblr dudes on my fandom blog. I whispered the word and it maybe felt right, it maybe felt like a little zing in my chest, but it also felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Maybe a part I wasn’t comfortable with and never had been, but still this definite chunk of who I had been was just no longer a part of how I was identifying myself.

And that’s fucking terrifying. 

Gradually, lesbian became my word. It became a word that encapsulated why I never felt fully comfortable around men. Why I didn’t want relationships with them. It became an affirmation for the fact that I had always had an underlying attraction to women. I felt more confident when I saw Willow Rosenberg, a girl who had a boyfriend in high school, identify confidently as a lesbian in college. Because that was my story and it was ok for that to be my word. It helped me feel more confident in my attraction to women in general, and in that confidence I was able to recognize a difference in how I felt about men.

My sexuality journey was long, and it was difficult. It involved trying things that were scary, and stepping out of a self I knew to find a self I loved so much more. The confidence I found in grasping and being able to explain new parts of my identity made me happier and stronger than I had ever been in my life. Lesbian is my word. I use gay, I use queer. They are all me. But when I walked at Pride this year, it was a lesbian flag I had pinned on. Because it encapsulates me and makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel proud.

Now, real fast at the end here, a couple of notes. Bisexual was a stepping stone word for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a stepping stone sexuality. It was a word I needed to help me figure out who I was, but that does not remotely encapsulate what being bisexual is. I have known girls who used lesbian and then knew that the word bisexual was more theirs. I have seen people who always knew that bisexual was their word. So I am in no way putting my experiencing of identifying as a person with multiple gender attraction on some kind of all-around temporary status. Bisexual peeps, your word is valid and so are you.

Also, my word doesn’t mean I eliminate trans folks. The word lesbian includes trans women, and I’m not here to have an asinine argument with anyone about that. Just putting it out there.

This was a long one, but sexuality is so goddamn difficult and it took years for me to start to learn about myself. And I’m still learning. Maybe I’ll find a new word someday that fits like a glove, and that will be scary but it will also be okay. And if you don’t have your word yet, and maybe you don’t want a word, that’s okay too. The most important thing is finding a way to be happy with yourself, whatever way you choose to package it. It’s about doing research, trying scary things, and maybe feeling like you can find a way to know yourself a little better one day at a time. 

Alright, that’s where I am going to wrap up. Thanks so much for reading about my messy process of self discovery, and feel free to share your own stories too - in a reblog or a message. You are all beautiful and your experience is valuable. I’m just here to share a little bit of mine. 

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

My thoughts on a view gender and sexuality-related things. (Includes my gender identity, my sexuality, and my opinions and feelings towards transgender people.)

Warning! Super long post! If you’re gonna leave mean comments, you better read the whole post and not twist my words around!

I love women. I just do. I’ve never been uncomfortable around a woman before. I grew up with men who came and went and little boys that sexualized me, but the women in my life -my mother, my many grandmothers, my aunts- were all constants. They weren’t the best at “family bonding” and sometimes they said hurtful things, but they were comfortable constants. I knew that they expected me to end up with a husband and kids because that’s what I seemed to be all about as a child (I was REALLY into that whole Disney princess thing). However, they also raised me to know that I didn’t HAVE to be with a man to be successful and live happily.

Now, my closest aunt is a lesbian. No one ever explicitly told me she was into girls growing up, It was just normal for me to see her with short hair and wearing men’s clothes and using men’s hygiene products. Even when her girlfriend moved in with us at one point, it was just seen as “yeah, that’s Aunt Jojo’s girlfriend, Rosa”. I just knew that Rosa was nice and gave me candy and she and I really got along. I was raised in a household where men were always coming and going, and the women always supported me. The one constant man in my life is my (step) Dad who has been there for me basically my whole life. He’s also not very good at bonding with an odd child as I am, but he loves the hell out’ve me. He supports me, he also raised me to know that I didn’t need a man in my life to make me happy -though he encouraged me when I talked about guys I liked back in school.

My mother let me pick out my own clothes when we went shopping. I always chose cute feminine clothes because I liked them. When I was around ten or so, I asked to look in the boys’ section, and she didn’t bat an eye and let me pick out an Avatar: the Last Airbender shirt that wasn’t in the girls’ section. I liked princesses, glitter, pastel colours, flowers, all that feminine stuff. Not because it was forced upon me. The women in my family are hardly ever feminine. I liked feminine things just because I liked them. To this day, even though I identify as non-binary, I mostly enjoy feminine clothes and items. I like flower crowns, pastels, puffy princess dresses, and being soft and sweet. I’m not submissive to men at all, though. To women, though, depends on the girl.

Now, I first realized I was attracted to girls during the summer before my freshmen year of high school. I’d realized I’d fallen in love with my best friend who had just moved away. I’d never felt love like that. All-consuming, dizzying, so sure, so pure. I wanted to make her so happy, and I wanted to hold her and kiss her and touch her and sing together and live in a big house together. I wanted it so badly that I confessed to her, and when she rejected me, I felt like I’d had my heart ripped out of my chest. I swore I’d never love again. (And it kinda feels like I cursed myself or something. I haven’t loved anyone like that since.)

By the time I was in high school, I’d started really understanding that I was extremely uncomfortable around boys, that their constant sexualization and taunting of me made me wish they would all just disappear. Being groped and catcalled and asked stupid questions just so they’d get a rise out of me...Granted, I went to one of the most idiotic, backwater schools ever, but those years spent there -and the incidents from childhood- made me see men in a horribly negative light. To me, they were nothing more than impatient predators who would rape and kill me as soon as they got the chance. My family started getting extremely protective of me. They didn’t trust men around me at all. They didn’t like any of the few guys that I’d dated. When i came out to my mother about liking women, she told me it isn’t the path she would chosen for me, but she’d support me.I plan to tell her that, no matter my romantic and somewhat physical attraction to men, there is just absolutely no way I’d ever be comfortable even being alone with a man. I would be in constant fear of being hurt in some way. Whether it be sexual assault or domestic abuse, I’d live in constant anxiety about watching what I say, do, and wear. (Pretty sure my only exception to my anti-male rule would be if Steve Rogers actually existed because he is the perfect man.)

I have extremely little experience being with women. I had a temporary girlfriend who was really just my friend in middle school. It was nice. I never felt like she’d hurt me or make me into a sexual object for her own pleasure. Her kisses were soft and made me feel good. We broke up when the guy she was interested in was available and we remained good friends until she moved away. I had my second, more official girlfriend my junior year. I was practically obsessed with this girl. I wanted so badly to kiss her and be with her all the time. I felt so good with her. But she didn’t really care about me. I was just a rebound from her last relationship and she never really cared about my feelings. And we all know about my last girlfriend. I felt incredibly comfortable with her. I honestly saw our future together. I was willing to put away my desire to have kids just to be with her. I was ready to move wherever she wanted, so long as I got to stay with her. I even felt completely ready to have sex with her! And that’s a huge deal for me! But, no, she had too many issues and fell out of love with me. Currently talking to a new girl. We’re pretty casual right now, but we’re hopefully going on a date this coming Sunday!

Anyway, my thoughts of transmen and women: You do you. If you feel like a woman, you’re a woman. If you feel like a man, you’re a man. Dress how you want. Clothes aren’t gendered unless you claim they are. If you wanna grow or cut your hair, do it. You wanna wear make-up, do it. Wear whatever the fuck you want and claim to be whatever gender you feel you are. I don’t care. HOWEVER, I do have feelings about genitals and female/male organs. I believe you are female if you have female organs. You are male if you have male organs. Genitals, well, I don’t think they make or break what you identify as. But reproductive organs are sex-based, not gender based. “Female” does not mean “woman”. “Male” does not mean “man”. “Female” and “male” simply identify what sex you are, not what your gender is. (It honestly pisses me off that so many forms ask for your “Gender” and offer “male” and “female”. Sociology 101 told me this difference on the FIRST DAY.

I identify as pansexual because I’m attracted to people no matter what their gender identity is. You’re a man? Hot. You’re a woman? Hot. You’re agender/nonbinary/gender fluid/whatever? Yep, you’re hot to me, too. However, I am extremely uncomfortable with penises. No matter who it’s attached to, unless it’s in art or porn that takes place far away from me, I’m repulsed by penises. I could never be intimate with a man or a transwoman who hasn’t had bottom surgery, not because I’m not attracted to the rest of them, but simply because I do not want to touch a penis nor have a penis touch me. This is due to my past trauma, not because I hate people with penises. It’s triggering. I would date the everloving hell out of a transman who hasn’t had bottom surgery and those with female genitals. I wouldn’t feel triggered or scared of being penetrated without consent -(though, yes, I do understand that rape can happen no matter who your attacker is or has).

I do not hate transgender people. I do not think they’re confused or strange or scary or predators. I just am very, very turned off by penises and cis men. I would very much date a transman who showed respect for me and my boundaries. I would not feel comfortable with anyone with an actual penis, though. That’s just how trauma has warped me.

Ok, I’m expecting all the backlash and people calling me a terf. I’d like to see how you’re going to argue with me and make me feel like shit because I won’t date transwomen with male genitals. I’d like to point out now that it’s not her fault that I don’t wanna have sex with her. It’s the men who terrified me with their male genitals and therefore completely turned me off from them. All right, come at me, haters.

[mooosicaldreamz]

(1) help! i don't know if i'm gay or not!! i don't have anyone to talk about this so im so sorry to dump it on you. you might not even answer this and that's ok bc i can't expect you to feel comfortable in answering. i won't be offended. i just need someone to read this. i read so much wlw fanfiction. i feel so comfortable being in fandoms that support wlw. when i masturbate i see myself as the guy pleasuring the girl.

(2) that line in your latest fic “animal” really stuck out to me, the one where lena was in the club and she goes “there was no disgust, only wonder.” that line is how i feel towards the lgbtq community. i have a few gay friends but i feel like im supposed to have more to be considered a “true member.” i feel like im a fraud bc i don’t dress like a gay person bc i don’t even know what that means. but i love being around women. i want to be around women for the rest of my life.

(3) i feel more comfortable around women than i do men. i’ve had a boyfriend in the past and that was not a good experience and ive been told i can’t jump to conclusions just because of one boy. i always want to kiss a girl and be with a girl but i feel like my attraction isn’t valid bc i haven’t been with a girl ever before. im so fucking shy. it sounds strange to say but i feel so goddamn ugly. too ugly for any girl to want to be with me. i just want to know that im not crazy.

(4) sorry for the spam! tl;dr, i feel in my heart of hearts that women have a special priority in my life that i just can’t put into words. i just don’t know how i fit in with the lgbtq community or if they’ll accept me, because i don’t “look” gay and i don’t have a lot of gay friends. if i want women to be my priority in life, does that make me a lesbian? gay? i like men bc sometimes they’re pretty, but that’s it. what the fuck does this mean? i’m terrified of being wrong about myself.

(5) for now i have no label for myself. i’m not straight. but i don’t even know if i’m allowed to be gay. thanks for reading. i know this was a lot. i don’t want to feel so confused anymore. i reached out to you bc i love the way you wrote lena’s journey in the “animal” fic. i feel like i have a lot of wonder for the lgbtq community as of now, but i’m dying to know if i have a place there or not.

i’m going to break down my response into little digestible numbered chunks which are hopefully somewhat helpful/reassuring

1) okay first i think i’d probably like to say that i am by no means an authority on what it means to be gay or bi or in general of the community~ so you know. don’t take me as word of god or anything.

2) you don’t have to know if you’re gay or not. when i was about 16 i started reading wlw fanfiction and realized i was like……super into it and it spiralled out from there for me. i’ve known ppl who have known they were for certain gay or bi since they were 10 and i’ve known ppl who’ve figured it out in their 20s and 30s. you don’t HAVE to know a damn thing. and it’s okay if you’re not gay too. people grow and change throughout the entirety of their lifetime and you have time to figure yourself out always and forever.

3) there are no rules to being gay (there are also no rules to being straight), so you don’t have to be a certain way ever and if anyone tells u you have to be then they’re stupid. you don’t have to dress a certain way or act a certain way to be anything. you can be you. you don’t have to fit into an exact category to be gay. you don’t have to have gay friends to be gay either. when i was working thru my major identity issues while i was a teenager, i didn’t know anyone who was gay either. there’s no rules in this way.

4) you don’t have to have been with a girl, either - theoretically, at some point, every gay woman has never been with a girl, but that doesn’t mean that who they are and how their attractions work aren’t valid. the very existence of your feelings mean that they exist and are valid. if anyone tells you you can’t be gay because you’ve never been with a girl tell me their address and i will punch them.

5) people who say that you shouldn’t base your opinion on dating dudes on one experience are stupid and are misunderstanding the root issue. if you want to date dudes, date dudes, and if you don’t, then don’t. that’s how simple it is. if you want to date women, then date them. you don’t have to have an exact label. just do you.

6) on a similar note, i can’t label you for you because that would be dickish! it sounds to me like you’re struggling with your identity and i support you exploring and understanding yourself. idk if you wanting women to be a priority in life means that you’re gay because only you can define that for yourself. ftr, i also think dudes are pretty. i would maybe date one 1 out of 10 times, but i still pretty much define myself as gay. and that’s cool. 

7) i want to address specifically your sentence "i’m terrified of being wrong about myself” because i really truly believe that no one can be wrong about themselves. you are yourself, you are the one who gets to make the rules about you and what you are and who you are going to be. you literally cannot be wrong. there are stupid ppl in this world who might tell you you have to be a certain way to be any one thing, but that is false. you can be what you are. that’s that. for real. i know i sound like a fuckin self-help book but i don’t care, it’s the facts. i understand about societal pressures and shit but when it comes to your mind and body, you are the owner of you. so you can’t be wrong about it.

8) you are super allowed to be gay. there’s no test. no one checks you at the door at pride and makes sure you fit in.

9) it’s okay to be confused. i, a person who has been pretty aware of my interests since i was 15, am still confused. you don’t have to know everything about yourself before you let yourself try something. in fact, there’s a likelihood you won’t know a damn thing until you try. i recently learned that i like red peppers! i thought for YEARS that i hated red peppers. i thought for a long time that dating a girl would be weird and uncomfortable because i thought - stupidly - that dating a girl would just be different than what love or dating was supposed to be. and it’s not. i tried it and i like it and i’m happy. but you also don’t have to like it once you try it.

10) the tldr version of my response to your questions is this: you can be you, whatever that is. you don’t have to fit a label or pass a test. it’s okay to be uncertain and anxious and confused; there are tons of people who have gone through things like what you’re going through. i’m one of them. so don’t be afraid. there is a place for you in the lgbtq community if you want a place. 

i have NO idea if that was helpful. but for real, i’m with you and support you, okay? you are valid whatever way you are.