#because the more productive thing to be angry at is the system that does nothing to disincentivize dangerous play

[himbeaux-on-ice]

dear portion of caps fandom that has me blocked just for having tom wilson opinions: let me in i promise i'll be nice

[multiplicity-positivity]

Okay so I’m anti endogenic and I want to learn more about Endo systems but I find that most of the Endo blogs I come across support transid people/are in the transid community themselves and I just kind of made me scared cus transid people aren’t good and should heal form trauma they have, but my question was are all Endo systems transid supporters and are Endo systems part of the transid community ( asking cus a lot of Endo blogs said yes to both of those questions )

hey… I’m the designated syscourser and we have been getting a few asks about syscourse in our inbox lately, so here i am.

we have not had that same experience. we know of one big blog who supports trans-ids (the user who is still in our dni), and she may have a circle of followers who are also trans-id supporters, but for the most part, we have met and interacted with countless endogenic systems who want nothing to do with trans-ids or the radqueer community.

we see how lots of anti endos might make this connection. it’s an incredibly common talking point in anti endo spaces that endogenic systems “just want to have a disorder” and aren’t actually experiencing the plurality that endo systems claim to experience. but the truth is… plurality and multiplicity simply mean being more than one. that’s it. and there are so many diverse and beautiful people out there who experience life as more than one, without having a dissociative disorder, and without being members of the radqueer community.

so to answer your questions:

no, not all endo systems are trans-id supporters. endogenic systems are not a monolith - they are a diverse group of people with a vast range of ideas and beliefs about the world. if you’ve been seeing lots of radqueer endogenic systems, that’s likely because you’ve been looking for them in trans-id or radqueer focused spaces.

no, being endogenic does not inherently make someone a part of the trans-id community. simply having a system that did not form from trauma doesn’t suddenly make someone “transplural.”

we really would encourage you to read our psa on transx/trans-id and radqueers from our pinned post. we’ll link it below:

that post ^ will likely answer your questions in more detail, so we’d really encourage you to read it if you have the time/energy.

honestly, thank you for coming to us with these questions. we are very much firm supporters of endogenic systems on this blog. at the same time, we understand anti endos are people, often scared, hurt, angry, and traumatized. we want to be available to answer any question from anti endos that can be asked from a place of wanting to learn, and facilitate productive conversations and discussions. remember, endo systems are people too, and they’re deserving of kindness and respect just like you and me.

we hope you’re doing well, anon. feel free to reach out to us again if you have any further questions about endogenic systems in the future - we’re happy to help anti endos come to a better understanding about these sorts of things.

[serialreblogger]

the thing about the joker

is that - well, even canonically, he’s not actually “insane.” in the most canonical version of his backstory (bc there are many conflicting incarnations, but this one is the touchstone for a lot of later canon), he was part of a street gang before falling into a vat of Nondescript Toxic Waste that damaged his melanin production and That’s It. he supposedly “lost his mind” after seeing his reflection, which is absurd on many levels. no. he’s not “insane.” what he is, is an angry white boy.

the thing about the joker is that he exults in his own uncontainability. He laughs, because all of gotham - all the world - is built to be his playground. the only lunatic thing about him is the lunacy of ~Society~, to borrow from the joker’s own playbook; the lunacy of the joker lies in the world that grants him power: in the inheritance of loss: in white privilege, and what it means for everyone else.

“to prove a point.” those were the joker’s exact words, when he shot and paralyzed Barbara Gordon. she asked why: he laughed. “to prove a point.”

because that’s all he ever does. he hurts people because he can. and because all the power in the world can’t save him from getting hurt - and isn’t that just peachy?

because the thing about the joker is that he can get hurt. he has been hurt. but he has so much more capacity to harm than to be harmed. he is immortal. he and he alone will never have to face the consequences of the hurt that he inflicts on other people.

so then: why not hurt them? misery loves company, after all.

the joker is the embodiment and end result of our own social system: the madness of the exception: the laughter of the white man: the imprecation to smile, as he kills you.

(no one ever says it, i find, but it’s still true: barbara deserves to kill him.)

and who, then, is the batman? if the joker is the yin to his yang? if they’re two sides of one irredeemable coin, if they represent the “balance” of an unjustifiable system - who is he if not another white man?

because he is. Bruce Wayne is a white boy born into unspeakable privilege and forced to endure suffering anyway; who copes with his suffering by taking it out on others; who copes with his suffering, not by taking advantage of the world as it is, but by attempting to reshape it. to make it in his own image - as if it isn’t already his, as if claiming it further will crush out the pain.

the batman is the benevolent oppressor to the joker’s malevolent one. he changes nothing, in the end. two privileged white boys with their own respective navel-gazing grudges - where, after all, lies the difference between benevolence and malevolence?

because they are not “chaos” and “order.” not really. They are laissez-faire laughter and law. Joker exults in the disease of the system, Batman seeks to treat its symptoms, but neither of them will ever change anything about the root cause. because they may have suffered the faults of this system, but they still benefit so much more from it as it exists. Uphold it or break it, neither of them wants to change the law.

but the law is only as good as the people it’s made to protect. and who does that law protect, really?

waylon jones is, in one issue, explicitly depicted as Black. between that and his skin disorder, there has never once been room for his character to be any more than a monster: king croc is, always, a character to be violated and brutalized, over and over and over and still - always - written as the villain. (he tried so hard to scrape out a place for himself, so many times, in so many incarnations, and each and every time he finds himself relegated once more to the sewers. he will never be anyone’s king. there is no place under the sun for people like him.)

victor fries only ever wanted to save his wife, and a capitalist mogul decided a few extra numbers on his eight-digit paycheck were more important than the people whose lives depended on that money. fries’ body was damaged to disability by that choice, left without the resources to find a cure for his wife, and he robbed banks because there was no other option available to him. we seem to have forgotten, or maybe never really understood, why that matters. why a desperate man trying to save his life and that of his loved ones under the crushing gears of capitalism is a villain, and the one who stops him is our hero. why, under the law batman upholds, a bank vault and a CEO’s hoard is worth more than a life.

poison ivy just wants to live, too. wants a life not defined by the devastation of her body, of the beings that exist as extensions of her, a life where green and growing things are not commodities to be plowed up and poisoned and destroyed for the sake of another man’s profit. these are villains; they are written as such. these are their motives.

who does batman fight for, really? who is our hero, this emblem of our law?

is he our hero? ours, the broken and bleeding members of the world he claims to protect?

who does the law protect, except him - him, and the joker?

[abybweisse]

After the real Ciel returns as a doll, I don't understand his feelings for our ciel. After all, does he love him or is he looking for competition and is angry with him?

He claimed that he was not angry with our Earl. He said he likes to see his development . Defended Earl's lie about his identity to Francis. He told Undertaker that he just wanted to spend time with his brother.

But he also left the blood in the basement of the mansion and called the police to accuse his brother. And he asked Tanaka to burn the rabbit dolls and he doesn't want to see them again. I also feel that he killed Agni personally. just for make our Earl and Soma enemy.

because he was jealous that someone getting close to his brother.

I understand that his brain probably hasn't developed since he was 10 years old and is childish. But still seem contradictory.

Real Ciel's emotions

I've touched on this subject before, but I always find it a bit difficult to read this character.

We don't know too much about him from before, but he seems to have always been a little bit fickle minded. One minute he's happy and wanting to know about his brother's life goals, but when it means his brother might move away, he tries to change his brother's mind and control his decisions. Then he's all of a sudden against being the heir, if it means not getting to do as he pleases and being with his brother all the time.

And elitist; when Vincent tells them about keeping the workers on their land happy and productive, our earl ponders how hard it must be to keep everyone happy... while real Ciel compares them to sheep who must be provided with the basics to keep them from going astray.

With a big helping of "big brother syndrome", where he thinks he knows what's best and feels a need to be the protector all the time. And to be right all the time, like telling our earl the truth about Santa and where the presents really come from. Oh, and being competitive -- typically the winner -- like at chess. It's a little condescending when he says our earl and their dad are the only ones who can even present a challenge for him. Getting kidnapped and sold to the cult gave him a serious reality check, but it doesn't seem to have stuck too well.

Like I've said before, the process of turning him into an advanced bizarre doll (using all his life goals as "episodes") seems to have brought his negative traits to the forefront.

We see that when he confronts our earl, Sebastian, and the rest of the household. Even Tanaka winces when real Ciel puts Sebastian in his place as a servant. Then there's the whole blood transfusion thing: he could accept any whole blood donation (since Rh factor doesn't seem to be a thing in the Kuroverse), and Blavat apparently knows this. So, why does he only use Sirius blood? Does he not also know... or is he simply refusing any other blood type, with the belief it's too inferior for him? 🤔

There's a strong dichotomy to his thinking. On the one hand, he wants to be with his twin, just like before, but he also wants to punish him for taking the ring and pretending to be him. He calls our earl a liar but then says he'll have nothing to do with anyone who says the same thing... then doesn't seem to care when Lizzie almost immediately points her finger, doing exactly what real Ciel said others shouldn't do. He quickly learns to appreciate and even admire what our earl has managed to accomplish in the past nearly four years, but he has no personal interest in the same things, like the toy and confectionery company. He would have invested in the railway system or something. It seems likely that he was invested in Blue Star Line, so he's way more into transportation and infrastructure than he is into providing the simple joys of toys and sweets. Like he'd rather be an industrial tycoon. It's really sad to me that he basically tells Tanaka to get rid of those toys because he is still upset with our earl for wanting to pursue such a career. Like he doesn't think it's a particularly serious occupation. Maybe he truly thinks it's not worthy or proper for a member of a noble family to do that sort of work. He even says something like that in ch132.

Real Ciel has, since that moment (if not before), wanted his little brother to be dependent on him. Forever.

So, yeah, at the point where he's had the blood planted at the manor and is calling his younger twin by "Lord Sirius", he's perfectly willing to have him arrested and detained for questioning. Things would have played out quite differently if Sebastian and our earl hadn't gotten away from the Yard. After a few days of letting our earl think about what he's done, sitting in some jail cell, he might have gone down to the station and dropped the charges -- making who knows what excuse about the blood and the deaths -- on the condition that his younger twin would return to the manor and stay there, doing whatever real Ciel wants him to do. Maybe he would pin the entire thing on Blavat and let him rot there. Considering how Druitt keeps getting out of situations with the law, I'm sure real Ciel could talk or bribe his brother's way out of legal trouble.

Since real Ciel now runs entirely on his personal goals and desires, what we see now is a much more selfish version of himself. So selfish and elitist that he'll:

Have Lord Polaris kill Agni to turn Soma against his younger twin

Have his brother locked up just to physically contain him

Destroy what his brother has built for the estate and Funtom, despite recognizing the effort it took

Belittle the servants that his brother showed compassion and leniency to

Use his fiancée as a bodyguard but otherwise barely speak to her

Drain people dry to accept only Sirius (AB) blood when he could accept any type

I'm sure there are things I've left out that I intended to include, but this seems pretty thorough to me... for now.

He does love his brother, but as a soulless bizarre doll, it's a cold sort of love. The self-centered aspects of it remain. Not what he can truly do for his younger twin but what his younger twin can do for him. And he is angry... and still competitive.

ETA: Real Ciel's lies to Francis/Frances aren't really to protect our earl; the excuses he makes, etc. are to help cover up the dark truths about himself. Just imagine him trying to explain it truthfully and in relatively good detail. It wouldn't go over well at all.

[ladycatashtrophe]

Don't give up on libraries!

I often become saddened when thinking about how my hometown's library, the one I visited religiously and adored as a child, lost a lot of its magic when I returned as an adult to find it run by snotty, uppity rich people who would sigh and roll their eyes whenever you asked for help, or would ooze with a nasty attitude when you asked them to please not shout at each other from across the floor about mass shootings in the silent area with children present, please.

Regardless, it's a sad day when a library loses its way. I think that's why more people need to use libraries, and use them properly.

If you can, get a library card. There are various state libraries that participate in the Books Unbanned initiative, allowing youths under the age of 26 to obtain an e-Card, which they can then use on the library catalogue and apps like Libby, Hoopla, and more.

If you're able to go to a library in person, ask the librarians or receptionists what kinds of events they hold within your interests/age group. Check out books that you might not read. If your friends want to hang out, suggest the local library as a nice neutral space (be mindful of certain areas of the library that may be silent or intended for children or people with special needs). If your library offers aid with basic needs, such as a food pantry or clothing donation system, utilize it and share the info with friends and family. If your library has things other than books and movies for checkout, such as free Wi-Fi hotspots, power tools, laptops, cooking utensils, board games, video games, etc., use those offerings to your advantage. Does your library offer help with resume writing, job applications, childcare, sanitary products, tutoring, homework, or any other things that may slip through the cracks? Is your library in need of donations within a certain genre or audience range? Would your library appreciate volunteers in their free time, either throughout the year or at special events?

My library may have gone cold and heartless over the years, but it is up to the community to prevent that from happening by supporting the library as much as humanly possible. You don't need money to prove that you love and use your library (that's the whole point), but if you have the spare change, consider donating. Nobody is too poor or too rich to use a library. The issue arises when those of an advantageous position abuse their resources until others below them are left with nothing.

Libraries fill an important gap in society. In order to keep them there, they have to have the numbers to prove their worth; How many people have active library cards? How many people show up per day on average? What items are being checked out regularly? What is attendance like at events? They are the glue between the cracks; without them, everything would shatter.

Advocate for your local library. Encourage others to utilize theirs. Don't give up on libraries!

Further sources: Neil Gaiman speech on the important of libraries (article)

The role of libraries (article)

Mychal the librarian (article)

TEDx: The Magic of Libraries (video)

TEDx: The library is not a place, it's a concept (video)

Cat for your troubles (he is angry because you have not gone to the library)

[offrozenmemoirs]

[ Lex ] "It feels wrong to be angry." he smiles, as he always does, but it's more plastic than anything else. "It feels wrong to hate the status quo of a world system that never changes. Why rage, yanno? Why be full of hate towards something that has been, forever?"

400 Dialogue Prompts || Accepting! @stellarhistoria

"Being angry isn't always a bad thing. It's learning how to focus that anger into something productive that matters the most."

Seraph isn't the type who likes the idea of simply accepting things as the way they are, because in his mind, it's a stupid thing to do. Why accept a status quo, and even if things won't immediately change, there's nothing wrong with fighting for something better. Especially if it means that the people he cares about can stop putting themselves in danger. He knows Sino and Soup can handle themselves, and he knows that he doesn't have to hide them away from the world, but he is the type who would challenge things because his oath bid him to do so.

"Just because something is tradition, doesn't mean it needs to continue forever. It's better to try and do something than to simply give up and say that things can't change. I refuse to sit by and not try to better the world. It's a beautiful place, and I want people to have a chance to see the beauty that lies within it."

Seraph is a bit of an unconventional champion, for an unconventional deity. Unlike Pharasma who only stepped in when matters of the dead were disturbed. Even his father, who only really cared about the affairs of his people and his loved ones and was the very manifestation of stillness, Seraph was the one who sought to change things.

He sought to make things better, he knows he can't change everything, but he doesn't need to. He merely needs to pave the road for future generations. Makoto might've told him that he takes far more after their mother in that regard. She was often the one who put things in motion, though the elf at least knows that his father is content so long as Seraph is doing what he truly wants. Placing his heart over duty.

"I've tried to balance my duty and my own desires and it only made me miserable and almost caused me to split from people I love dearly. So, from now on, I follow what I think is the right thing. And what I choose to follow is setting the road for the future generations to follow."

Izumi would be proud of her son, if she could see him now. Though she would always be proud of him, regardless of where his path led.

[abysscronica]

Hi! How have you been?? Thank you so much for answering my previous questions btw but here are a few more if you don’t mind ^^

1. As Tekking101 said the Kidd Pirates’ designs are strongly based around heavy metal, once/of birdie does join the crew and adopts their heavy metal style, what would their reactions be?

2. The Birdie death scenario is just so intriguing lmao. But let’s say if birdie was executed by the marines what would her marine friends/companions (especially Koby) think of her death, would their opinions on her as a person change? Would they despise her so deserting and lying about her captivity?

3. If Aokiji found out that birdie did in fact die at the hands of the marines would he be infuriated at them? Or disappointment in birdie’s decisions?

Hi! I've been fine, thanks! I hope you're well too. :)

I've already talked about birdie adopting the crew's style, you can find the answer in this post. [on an unrelated note: did I mention that I actually met Tekking101 during Anime Expo? I was SO happy!]

Birdie executed by the Marines: the few former comrades that actually cared about her (Koby, Helmeppo, Smoker, Tashigi) would be distraught, especially Koby. But they wouldn't act against it, they know she made her choice, she knew the consequences, and there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe Koby would ask Garp if he can do anything to convert the execution in, like, detention, but it wouldn't happen.

I don't think their opinion about her would change too much. Yes, they may be surprised that she took such a drastic decision. But since they knew her a little, they also knew that she was unhappy, restless, even before being captured by the Kid Pirates. From their perspective, she was still tortured and abused for a month during her captivity. This kind of things change a person deeply. Do you think they would really believe that Kid and birdie genuinely fell for each other, and that her actions are not the product of trauma? I highly doubt it. So they'll probably see her as a victim of the system and her own wrong choices. Her death would leave them bitter, angry even, but it might also give them an ulterior reason to fight for a change.

This goes for Aokiji as well, more or less, since he should also feel a certain guiltiness that he left her alone and messed her up. He wasn't there to protect her when she needed. He wouldn't really be infuriated at the Marines because they're just following protocols, although he would recognize the fails in the system as well. And because he's not a marine anymore and he doesn't have to abide to their rules, he might intervene and save birdie himself.

[friendlystarfruit]

It’s really sad how normal death threats have become especially against authors and artists. People can’t even create something without fearing for their life now.

Yeah I think what I hate on tumblr is people cancel each other and bully over mistakes that arent that big a deal and rather hate on people than let them grow

seriously though people shouldn't send death threats, even to shitty people, I remember I once got hate on tumblr for saying that but I think anyone who does that in the name of a social movement is giving ammunition to the enemy. I would not send death threats to slaughterhouse workers even though I think they do evil things to animals, I don't think it helps animals doing that (intervening them or exposing them does way more ) , I wouldn't send death threats to terfs either that doesn't help trans people, I get people are angry but death threats are not productive for social change, nothing is that black and white , there are evil people and evil systems and fighting them means not becoming them (gotta read that Paulo Freire pedagogy of the Opressed ) , the thing is you are talking about people that death threat for the purpose of bullying not even because they are rightfully angry.......that is just..man people really do so much petty shit when they can do it online >.>

[gatheringbones]

[“Familial homophobia begins at the beginning of the gay family member’s life. It usually starts as a false set of standards by which the gay person’s behaviors and emotions are pathologized. That is, things that are good and true about them are treated as bad and wrong. The gay person has a number of possible reactions to this pathologization, all of which are ultimately punishing and destructive to their lives:

They can obscure their homosexuality in order to avoid being punished when they have done nothing wrong, but this is a brutal form of punishment in itself.

They can continue to behave as though nothing is happening, while being consistently subjected to diminishment.

They can object to the distorted behavior of the homophobes in question.

Unfortunately, this last option, which is the most appropriate response, is the one that will ultimately cause them the most punishment. Homophobia as a system does not tolerate opposition. Gay people are expected to capitulate. And to be grateful for crumbs. When they are not, it is seen as even more of an example of how troubled they are, how mentally ill, how maladjusted, bad, angry, and wrong. When the originating action of homophobia has the consequence of making them angry or upset, they then get blamed for being angry or upset and that result gets repositioned as the justification or cause for their oppression. The more they take the noble, responsible, and mature action of resisting homophobia, the more they are viewed as troublesome, inappropriate, and detrimental.

The reason that the existence of homophobia and the practice of homophobes are able to render good, honest, caring, productive, dignified people as pathological is because homophobia itself is the pathology. It is an anti-social condition that causes violence and destroys families. It not only makes society punish and exclude people, but it punishes these same people for trying to restore the larger society to sanity. The perpetrators, who are the destructive ones, are described as the neutral standard of behavior, while the people, who are not only victimized but have the decency to fight back (which is the most beautiful model of social responsibility), are described as expendable and undesirable. The final ironic twist is that whenever a situation does arise in which homophobia is pointed to as being socially destructive or personally wrong, the homophobe tends to actually blame his own behavior on gay people themselves. And there are always gay people willing to point the same finger, gay people who have been persuaded that tolerating or being complicit with prejudice in order to be “loved” is love.

I believe in, am committed to, and am working toward a cultural agreement that homophobia is a social pathology and that society’s best interest is served by any program or practice that mitigates homophobia. The family is the best place to start because the family is where people first learn its power. That is why the commitment to eradicating homophobia must begin with the family.”]

sarah schulman, ties that bind: familial homophobia and its consequences

[balillee]

tommy's character gets far too much shit.

hi tumblr. i'm gonna need a few bitches to spread this post everywhere, essentially because i want someone, or just tommy really, to see it. so if you really want, you can screenshot it and post it on twitter, reddit, link it everywhere - go absolutely buck wild. i know he reads the VODS comments a lot, but they're chock full of people just insulting him, his character, his writing and everything about his story in the dream smp simply because they don't understand it and because they refuse to acknowledge his character's perspective (mainly because they only care about the pig). reading that many critical comments on something you've created can only make you feel worse about it eventually, and in light of all the awful techno apologist takes on his character, i wanted to basically just word vomit about how wonderfully crafted c!tommy is, as well as compile some other tumblr posts about his character.

there is a massive fuckin community of people who enjoy the character of tommy, because the character is incredible. i myself have made post after post after post commenting on and analysing tommy's character because i find that there's so much to pick apart. but that enthusiasm for his character only seems to be found on tumblr. reddit and twitter seem to hate his character, the VODS seem to be filled with comments from people who only care about techno's perspective (and treat techno as a reliable narrator, which, is the furthest thing from the truth - that guy lies through his teeth all the time), and the smp wiki is a hellscape of godawful takes and mistruths, not even on just tommy's character.

c!tommy is brilliantly acted and brilliantly written, and almost everything he does is either justifiable or has been rectified or admitted as a mistake. you can clearly make connections as to where he got his conclusions from. you feel what his character experiences, as a member of the audience, vividly.

if you look in the more objective sense, c!tommy, and this is especially in the context of him being the youngest character, is a scapegoat. people claim he's awful and destructive when in reality he's a lot less destructive than most characters on the server. a moment that comes to mind is where he diverts schlatt and quackity's attention from pogtopia by breaking part of the flag in manberg, and then replacing it so as to buy tubbo some time - he literally monologues after it about how he doesn't want to destroy but instead rebuild, and how he feels as if nobody else seems to understand that.

his arc in season two was incredible. it was very character driven, and it gave a spotlight to his motivations. at the start we see him in new l'manberg, and he's enjoying his time there, he's skeptical of his friend's presidency, but his main goal is to get back the discs so that he can stop dream and eliminate that threat. he made one screw up that didn't even matter to george, and he paid for it tenfold, even after dream had spent a while with puffy griefing the server and framing it on tommy - what tommy and ranboo did was convinient. then, in exile, we see c!tommy straight up get abused. he's gaslit and conditioned into being c!dream's friend, and in his brain he teaches himself that those acts of abuse are moments of bonding, and it eventually brings him to the point of wanting to end his own life - he's been torn away from his friends and his support system, and nobody will visit him consistently anymore because they only showed him pity, and all he had left was dream, who had hurt him.

but he doesn't die there, because while he didn't understand the full gravity of it back then like he does now, he recognises that dying isn't an escape, and he can beat dream, even if he doesn't know how. so this is where he goes to techno's place, and here's where the fandom starts to misinterpret the situation wildly.

it's the problem similar to when your parents tell you that they're owed something back because you put a roof over their head, despite that being Not How It Works. techno took tommy in and severely mistreated him emotionally. sure, and i understand this, c!techno is a bad communicator who isn't really that empathetic to anyone who isn't phil or wilbur, but that doesn't excuse the blatant lying to c!tommy's face, the guilt tripping, the friendship buying and the degrading. the day before the festival, tommy finally does something violent in his interrogation of fundy, and only then does techno tell him,,,,

that tommy's not equal to him, that techno doesn't respect him all that much, and that they're not friends.

from techno's perspective, and at the time, this was viewed as a positive development in their relationship. oh, he's starting to warm up to tommy! this friendship could really blossom!

no. from a more objective standpoint, what techno has just said to tommy is : 'i respect you only a little bit more now, because while you're starting to act more like me, you're still annoying and a burden.'

and i haven't even touched on the whole 'erasing the words 'Destroy L'manberg' from techno's to-do list' thing, because that instantly refutes the point of 'techno was upfront with his intentions the whole time' - because he wasn't! he may have said it the first time, but you also know what else he did? he repeatedly told tommy that they'd 'air the details out later' whenever the discs were brought up, and from a tommy viewer's perspective at the time, it was framed as if techno was no longer going to do that.

and i also haven't dared touch the 'i would have fought them all for you', because that's major guilt tripping if ever i've seen it.

so, the day of the festival comes, and here's where c!techno and his apologists completely misread c!tommy's thought process, and why he makes the decision he does.

tommy instantly regrets valuing the discs over tubbo, and it's framed as the culmination of tommy having become all the people he said he would never want to be like. and what does he immediately do? he tells tubbo to give up the disc, and he sides with tubbo. he puts his value in his friends, and, by proxy, l'manberg. and when he betrays techno, he tells him 'i'm sorry'.

from a more objective standpoint, tommy's time with techno is him valuing the discs over almost anything else. so, in leaving techno to be with tubbo again, he is valuing people above the discs. so when, on doomsday, techno says his 'discs aren't people' line, what he doesn't realise is that he himself fueled tommy's valuing of discs above people when attempting to fuel tommy's vengeance against tubbo and l'manberg. techno doesn't realise that he was an unhealthy presence for tommy, and an even worse influence.

what techno also doesn't seem to understand is that tommy never hated tubbo or l'manberg - tommy recognises, now at least, that his exile wasn't a product of tubbo, but a product of dream's manipulation, likely in part because at the time, especially with dream lying about tommy blowing up the community house, tommy was the only one who could see it because he had experienced it firsthand. so when techno sides with dream, it's like kicking tommy in the teeth.

and i want to mention that betraying someone doesn't necessarily make the person who was betrayed good, or in the right, or even justified, because tommy was entirely justified to leave techno. you know who else was betrayed? schlatt. but i don't see many schlatt apologists around angry at quackity for joining the rebellion.

tommy stole the axe of peace? good. it was a moment of tommy defining his self-worth, instead of having it defined by others. gone is the age of c!techno belittling him and deciding how much c!tommy should be respected. NEXT!

here's a moment i wanted to talk about that will forever be funny to me.

'i am a person.'

techno's very famous line from doomsday. techno says to tommy that discs aren't people, and that tommy should value people, despite not understanding that by leaving techno, he did just that. and what does tommy say in return, which has been omitted from every c!tommy-critical analysis, and every animatic?

'yes you are, but so are we.'

an acknowledgement of techno's hurt, to which tommy has already apologised for. a statement that says 'your hurt does not excuse, nor justify, the hurt you have inflicted onto us.' an acknowledgement that tommy has already learnt the lesson techno seems to be trying to 'teach' him. but you can't teach him anything by destroying.

c!tommy has had almost everything he has ever owned or built either taken from him or destroyed. ranboo even points out that the only two things of tommy's left standing are his house and his hotel, and if i'm honest, his house is dissheveled. it's a labyrinth of terror due only to how many times it's been torn apart. l'manberg being blown up didn't teach anyone anything about anarchy, or about valuing people over possessions. logstedshire being blown up didn't teach tommy to be obedient.

i could honestly ramble for ages about how nuanced tommy's character is and how much depth and complexity there is to his character's process and his relationship with others, but more than that, c!tommy is forgiving. he invites almost everyone who hates him to the grand opening of his hotel - if that isn't an indicator that he just wants friends, and not to be treated like the embodiment of evil, then i don't know what is. he holds grudges, but he doesn't really actively hate anyone, other than c!dream. but, we'll let him. c!dream deserves nothing but to be pummeled into the floor.

tommy doesn't spoonfeed his character nuance, and he doesn't really spell it out for his audience. he'll mention things like trauma and triggers in passing, but a lot of analysis on his motivations has to be picked up from what is said in passing or from what can be seen in between the lines.

i'd be here for hours if i were to talk about everything i love about c!tommy, because honestly he's one of my favourite characters, and there are so many angles you can look at his character from in terms of his age, his relationships with others, his motivations, his personality, his character arcs etc etc. so instead of doing that, i'm going to compile some much more specific analysis posts below to skim through because they highlight so many good aspects of his character.

^^ A thread about the 'yes you are, but so are we' line.

^^ About how shit the VODS comments are.

^^ A comment on how c!Tommy is actually pretty peaceful, and is actually less destructive than most characters on the server.

^^ Possibly the best c!Tommy analysis thread I've ever seen in relation to his trauma, which gives multiple perspectives.

^^ About how c!Tommy is treated as a scapegoat, and how, from an objective standpoint, he is no more violent than any other character, it's just that the little violence that is committed is blown far out of proportion.

^^ Tumblr user flypaw being a bad bitch, as per usual.

^^ c!Tommy being incredibly intelligent, and talking about wanting to rebuild and not destroy. A very underrated monologue of his.

^^ Something short about c!Tommy and c!Wilbur's relationship in Pogtopia.

^^ Less about c!Tommy, more a meta on L'Manberg. Really interesting to think about.

^^ A take on Doomsday.

I'll add some more posts in a reblog in the notes, but if anyone's post(s) is on this and they want me to take it off, let me know and I'll do that for you! Feel free to add your own banger c!Tommy takes or ones that you've found.

[fursasaida]

A lot has been said about Pelosi’s idiotic, offensive, bullshit statement about the Chauvin verdict, but what’s sticking in my craw more is actually Mayor Frey’s (of MPLS) similarly fuckshit statement. Please note the emphasis I’m adding to this with the bolding:

George Floyd came to this city to better his life. But ultimately his life will have bettered our city. The jury joined in a shared conviction that has animated Minneapolis for the last 11 months. They refused to look away and affirmed he should still be here today.

This is similar to Pelosi’s statement in that it casts George Floyd’s death as a kind of redemptive martyrdom for which “we” should be grateful, rather than a horrific tragedy that should make us angry or active or otherwise something other than placid and self-satisfied. But it exposes the underlying idea more clearly, and that idea is extraction.

This formulation says: George Floyd came to the city with hopes and intentions, and the city ate him to fuel itself. (It has been animated!) It says, the city robbed this man. It says, his future was never his future; it was fuel to continue and even improve the city. There is nothing mutualistic about what this says--no sense that people come to the city because of what they hope it can help them do, and in the process of achieving it their efforts also become part of the city, and all of these efforts, together, make the city what it is and make it better and more, even as they also make the city a place where people can achieve the things they want. (Even dry, conservative economists are capable of articulating “the city” this way, in their own terrible jargon.) The city apparently does not need people to live in it to be bettered. It only needs people to bring themselves to be ground up.

I wrote a paper in January about the carceral system as a system for extracting time, as a “natural resource,” from the lives and bodies of racialized and criminalized people. In the paper I pointed out that “time” can mean a lot of things, and if we are going to talk about its extraction then we need to ask what it is in its “raw” form and what it is processed into and used for upon being extracted. I said that raw time was simply potential and possibility, and that from this potentiality of life state practices like harassment, surveillance, arrests, killings, incarceration, prison transfers, parole, all manner of political theater, and so on produce temporal products the state can use like duration, events, and rhythms. Rhythms are useful because they synchronize and organize the workings of the state’s various systems and integrate them into the coherent whole called territory. Duration means sustenance or maintenance: the continuation of the state’s current configuration. And events are useful because they a) can be used to construct other rhythms (like cycles of “reform” followed by crackdowns, adjusted for various political purposes) and b) are the things you hang a narrative on.

What these politicians are doing with their rhetoric is very literally processing the time, the potential and possibility, what Ruth Wilson Gilmore called “the resource of life,” that was taken from George Floyd into an event. (The trial itself was already doing that, of course, but now they are eventalizing the event further.) This event is supposed to link into the sanitized--”folkloric,” as Osita Nwanevu put it--narrative of the Civil Rights movement. The nature of that narrative is to lock struggle into the past, to treat the losses that were part of it as finished, justified, nobly necessary, and the objects of awe and respect rather than sources of grief or motivation. (ETA: Decent thread here pointing out how Biden’s explicitly linking last year’s protests to the 60s skips over decades of public mobilization in between, including the formation of BLM in 2014 when Biden was still VP.) Whether we regard this as extending that narrative into the present or shunting George Floyd’s life and death into the past doesn’t really matter. Either way, the future that is left open here for those of us alive to encounter it is what is called “the future anterior,” a future that is only an extension of the past--more of the same. The “future to-come,” as a meaningfully different and significantly unknowable future, a future with the “raw time” possibility of being different that makes the future what it is, is deferred. All these practices do that--separate future anterior from future to-come, and use the predictable guarantees of the former to generate value while deferring the latter.

Many, many Black and other intellectuals have written about how liberalism and capitalism have been built on extracting value from the people they racialize and criminalize. I doubt anyone reading this far needs that explained. I just find it revolting how clearly Frey has articulated that here. “Our city is better because it killed George Floyd. Be uplifted.” Yes, he ended on “he should still be here.” I suppose that’s better than if he hadn’t. But I can barely hear that closing over the first two sentences ringing in my ears.

[chasingpj]

𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐦𝐞?

"My soulmate is so mean. He’s done nothing good with these stupid drawings. You know, all I want is something cute, like a picture of, maybe, flowers?"

pairing: leo valdez x gn reader

words: 2,994

warnings: cursing, mentions of genitalia

category: one-shot, soulmate!au

You don’t know who your soulmate is, but when you find out, you know the first thing you’ll do is punch him in his face. You don’t understand why he does this. Why can’t he be romantic like everyone else? You have a few friends who have the same connection you share with your soulmate, through your skin. Your friends rise from their slumbers with beautiful sketches on their arms; Or throughout the day, lines will appear as they’re being drawn, creating the most beautiful artwork you’ve ever seen. However, of course, you don’t get that; instead, you get this.

You stare at yourself in the mirror with pure disbelief, and you can’t decide whether to cry or scream. You’re used to these kinds of drawings in places like your arms, stomach, and legs, so they were easy to hide. But this has never happened before; it's never been in a place so… so visible.

You fill with rage as you observe the sloppily drawn dick on your forehead and your fist clenches as it lays on top of your bathroom sink. You fucking ass. How the hell am I going to hide this? You have to be at work in fifteen minutes, and you have this vulgar drawing on your forehead. You’re sure if you tell your boss your situation, he’d probably dismiss you because this is obviously not appropriate for the workplace. Still, you can’t even imagine trying to explain this to him. It was way too embarrassing.

"What am I going to do?” You whine as you rub your hands on your face. The drawing won’t be removed from your skin unless your soulmate removes it on his, so you had to think of a solution right away.

“Where could he possibly be where this is acceptable?” You try to refrain from sobbing hopelessly as your frantic mind searches for a solution. You think maybe a hat will work, but you discard the idea knowing your boss will tell you to take it off once you’re indoors. Suddenly, like a sign from the heavens, your solution hits you right in the face when you catch sight of your makeup bag lying on the toilet seat. You reach over, grabbing the pouch and unzipping it. Your quivering hands move too fast, causing the products to fall out and scatter into the sink. Your eyes skim over them in search of your thickest foundation and concealer. When you find them, along with your primer, you sigh, saying a silent prayer before getting to work.

***

Leo gasps sharply as the sight of his face in the mirror shocks him out of his fatigue. He touches his forehead, trying to recall the memory of last night while ignoring the pounding headache surging through his skull. He remembers getting to the club with a group of friends and how they took one shot after another until their vision was blurry. He has a faint memory of dancing with some girl, and the chaos of his 4 am Macdonald’s run with his friends. However, he doesn't recall the moment when this picture was drawn on his face. When did this happen? More importantly, who did this? He pauses, gawking at his reflection. His jaw clenches as the culprit comes to mind. He felt foolish for questioning who did this because he lives with, and he went home with one person last night, and that's Percy.

“Percy!” He yells angrily, and in the next room, he hears Percy’s manic laughter getting louder as he runs down the hall and into the bathroom with him. Percy can’t help but laugh even harder at the sight of a distressed Leo, and he silently congratulates himself for pulling such a successful prank. Leo’s expression hardens, and his gaze snaps over to him, “It's not funny!”

Percy snorts and nudges his shoulder, "Come on, loosen up!" Leo laughs sarcastically,

"Come on, loosen up!" He mocks with clear annoyance, making Percy’s laughter ceases. Leo usually takes things like this so well; he's never been angry at him because of a childish prank. The two of them have been pulling pranks on each other since they moved in together, and they would always laugh it out while deviously planning their revenge. Percy tilts his head, now growing annoyed that Leo’s annoyed.

"Why are you so uptight today?" He almost snaps, not understanding his fury. Leo's eyes narrow at him,

"My soulmate is linked to my skin." He speaks slowly and carefully, accentuating his words to make sure Percy understands how bad this is. Percy's mouth drops open, and he stares at the vulgar art on his forehead.

"Oh… shit," is the only thing he can think of saying. “Fuck, I forgot. I’m sorry,” Percy apologizes even though he knows it doesn’t help anything. He didn’t share the same connection with his soulmate, so he had forgotten entirely about Leo’s bond with his. He’s now left with regret knowing that there's someone out there going along their day trying to hide this lewd image.

Leo groans as he throws his head back. "I-It'll wash off? Right?"

Leo flips up the sink’s nozzle, dipping his head in the cold tap water to wet his face. He scrubs with his fingers, blindly grasping the soap next to him. He runs it over, spreading the suds and lightly scratching his forehead. He rinses everything off and returns to his original position to check his face now. He yells in panic when he sees the drawing didn't budge at all; it didn't even fade. Percy audibly gasps,

"I used permanent marker."

"BRO!"

"I'm sorry!"

Percy shifts on his feet as the memory of last night comes back to him. Leo fell asleep in the cab ride home, and Percy, somehow without much balance, carried him over his shoulder into their apartment complex. He squints his eyes, and with a vague remembrance, he recalls plopping him down on the couch. Leo was unconscious, and Percy’s drunk mind saw this as a perfect opportunity to prank him. He picked the first marker he saw, and in the middle of a giggling fit, he sloppily drew the phallic item and took a picture.

Leo frantically puts his head back in the sink to scrub again, and Percy stands by the door, watching panic wash over him. Leo continues scrubbing his skin, and though his skin becomes red under the friction of his nails, he persists. Percy shakes his head, walking over to him quickly, and he pats his shoulder.

"Come on, man. It's not working; you’re gonna hurt yourself." If Percy let him, Leo would scrub his skin raw. He disregards his advice and continues to scrub, bringing the soap over the drawing once again before scratching harshly. Percy, not wanting his friend to hurt himself, turns off the tap, and Leo groans, standing straight. He stares at himself in the mirror, his face dripping wet, and his skin is red with irritation. I'm so sorry.

***

Your day hasn't gotten any better since this morning. First, you wake with a dick on your forehead; second, you miss your bus because you took so much time layering makeup on your face. Then, you get to work about 15 minutes late because your commute, which usually took about 5 minutes, was delayed due to traffic. You assumed that your day couldn’t get any worse, but you discovered you spoke too soon when the system your job uses to put in orders crashed, making your job even harder than it had to be. Also, you spilled hot coffee on yourself during the morning rush, and that almost sent you straight into tears, but somehow, you prevailed.

By the afternoon, you wanted to rip your hair out when you realized you forgot your wallet, leaving you unfed and cranky. Your boss was no help to your mood either. He picked at everything you did today and held a grudge about you being late this morning. You've never had such a shitty day at work, and there is a sense of relief when you witnessed the clock turn to 4:30 pm. You immediately stood up from your chair, collecting your things before walking straight to the computer to clock out.

The last challenge you're facing is to get home in the slippery aftermath of the pouring rain earlier today. It was colder than usual; the sun’s hidden behind stormy gray clouds, and the smell of wet soil is in the air. You shiver, your arms wrapped around your frame in a poor attempt to keep you warm. You don't have an umbrella, and you hope it doesn’t start raining again. You were sure that if your makeup washes away in the rain for everyone to see the mystery under it, you will lose your mind.

You stand in the corner of the waiting shed, resting your head on the side. You take a deep breath, noticing your hands are anxiously chipping away the week-old nail polish. From the corner of your eye, you see someone join you under the shed, and out of usual curiosity, you look over. A tall, slender guy stands in the opposite corner; he wears distressed blue jeans, a black hoodie with a print you can’t see from your view, and a black winter hat. In his hands, he fiddles with a piece of scrap metal. His skin was tan, and his brown curly hair peeks from under his hat. Oblivious to your staring, he looks away from his fiddling and happens to glance over at you. There's a moment of awkward eye contact before you snap your vision away and out to the street.

You cringe at yourself for staring too long, shifting on your feet. You casually lean over the side of the curve, and you swear the light of the heavens was shining on your bus as it drove toward you. You couldn’t help but smile, a sense of relief washing over you. It’s here; you were one step closer to getting home and relaxing.

The excitement was taken away as quickly as it arrived, your bus passing your stop making a mini tsunami in the process. A wave of water splashes directly on you, and it takes you a moment to process what just happened. You stand there, cold and wet staring blankly at the curve. You felt overwhelmed, not being able to hold back the cries that you’ve been suppressing all day.

"are you-" a sob releases from your lips, stunning the unknown guy next to you. You miserably walk over to the bench, plopping down and resting your elbows on your thighs to lay your head in your hands. You sob freely, not caring about the boy's presence, and he stands in his spot, not sure what to do. He had an innate urge to make you feel better, and he doesn't know why but it pains him to see you like this. He clears his throat and decides to settle in the seat next to you. "Bad day?"

You sniffle, trying to find your breath, "The worst."

You don't look up, your hands doing their part to cover your face and your forehead. "I don't understand why everything is going so wrong.” You didn’t even care that you were pitying yourself, but you felt like you had the right considering how shit your day has been.

"I woke up with an awful drawing from my soulmate. I was late for my bus, which made me late to work; I haven't had lunch either. I'm hungry, cold, and now, soaking wet in street water." You sniffle once more. "My soulmate is so mean. He’s done nothing good with these stupid drawings. You know, all I want is something cute, like a picture of, maybe, flowers? I'd even take a tacky picture of two stick figures falling in love... shit; I’d be satisfied with a grocery list. But of course, with my luck, that doesn't happen. I get stupid drawings of... genitalia."

Leo’s body tenses next to you, and his teeth bite the inside of his lip. Drawings of genitalia? Sounds like him. Now he needed to see this drawing you were talking about, and he feels himself getting anxious at the possibility that you could be his soulmate. You continue to cry, refusing to move from your position.

"Well... it can't be that bad?"

"Oh, it's bad,” you managed to respond in your ragged breathing. Leo hesitantly reaches over, affectionately rubbing his hand across your upper back. Your breath hitches softly at the back of your throat, and there is a surge of warmth that radiates from his hand. You feel your tense shoulders begin to relax, and you furrow your eyebrows as your breath miraculously finds its regular pace. You even have this strange desire to cuddle into his frame to acquire more of his touch.

"Come on, show me. It's probably not as bad as you think." He speaks from his experience this morning. If you aren't his soulmate, he's sure that whatever you have isn't as traumatic as what he and his soulmate have.

"No! You'll laugh," you whine, your head laying firmly on your hands.

"I won't! I promise." You can tell from his voice that he was genuine, and for some reason, you can trust him. You slowly remove your hands from your face, but your head is still in an embarrassed bow. His heart pounds in his chest at the anticipation and leans forward to get a look at your face. You close your eyes, not wanting to see his initial reaction.

There it was. Right under your concealer, there is the familiar drawing faintly present. Leo's mouth drops, and his eyes widen; how is he going to tell you that he has the same picture on his forehead? You sigh shakily,

"It's bad, isn't it?" Your face burns in pure humiliation, and you now regret showing him. Leo is silent for a bit, trying to find words to explain himself.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out. Your eyebrows furrow and your eyes flutter open to look at his guilty expression.

"Why are you sorry?" He doesn't even attempt to explain himself in words. He simply slides off his winter hat, showing you the original drawing on his skin. You inhale sharply, your mind trying to process what is happening in front of you.

He's your soulmate, the person that you ideally would spend your life with. You didn't think you'd find him anytime soon or even at all. Your stomach flutters at the sight of him, and your cheeks get warm. You both gaze into each other’s eyes, and there was an immediate connection. You take in the tousled curls on his head, a bit frizzy from his hat and his big brown eyes. Your heart pumps hard in your chest, just as fast as the boy’s heart in front of you.

A few people told you that you’d feel like the world will slow down when you meet your soulmate. You’ll feel complete, and all at once, you’ll fall in love. You thought it was a load of over-romanticized bull, but you found that it was true even with your strange circumstance.

You finally found him…

But he's done this.

Your anger somehow counteracts this "in love" feeling, and you momentarily hate him for starting your day off on a sour note.

"You!" Your arms lift to strike him in the chest, but before you could attack, he grasps your tight fists.

"I'm sorry! I can explain!" He says quickly. Your arms loosen up, and you narrow your eyes at him,

"Explain yourself then." Sheepishly Leo cowers and his hands remain around your fist, just in case.

"Well," he sighs, "I partied a little too hard last night, and um, my roommate, Percy, thought it would be funny to draw this on my forehead."

"Your roommate is an ass."

"Well, yeah. Sometimes. But he was just as drunk as I was, and he didn't realize that the marker was permanent. When I saw it, I immediately thought of you, and how you’d have to walk around with this." He chews on the inside of his cheek, "I tried getting it off, but it won’t go away." You sigh, willing to forgive him since it wasn't his fault.

"So, we're gonna have this for a while?"

"Probably a couple of days or so." You groan and don’t say anything in return. You look down at your lap, still hiding your face from anyone around. "Oh, here, take my sweatshirt. The hoodie can keep it hidden.” He puts his hat back on and pulls his sweatshirt over his body, passing it to you. You smile softly as you take it from him. You pull it over your still soaked and cold frame, slipping your arms in and bringing the hood up. You mutter a small thank you, shoving your hands in the front pocket. He replies with a hum, allowing the sounds of the passing cars to fill your comfortable silence.

"Again, I'm sorry,” he apologizes sincerely, and you turn your head. You smile reassuringly,

"It's okay. I'll forgive you this time,” you say teasingly, and he chuckles. "I'm y/n, by the way."

"Leo." You reach over, taking his hand, and you guys share a handshake.

"Nice to meet you, soulmate.”

masterlists

[narniangirl1994]

I, like many other fans, was disappointed with several aspects of Lucifer's final season. Although it could have been much worse, I feel like certain decisions ruined several aspects of the show. For example:

They didn't show nearly enough of Trixie this season and didn't give her a satisfying ending. Not only did it make no sense for Chloe to ignore her child so often after Trixie just lost her dad, but she never officially found out about the celestials in her life and never got to say goodbye to Lucifer.

It was tough to care much about a new daughter from the future who was introduced at the last minute, yet had such a huge impact on her parents' stories. Especially seeing how sidelined Trixie was this season for a biological daughter (with Rory even saying Lucifer wasn't Trixie's real dad 😡).

I disliked the reasoning behind Lucifer abandoning his family at the request of a daughter who shouldn't have been that invested in Lucifer's calling. Yes it was important, but why was she willing to put them all through so much suffering for a calling that had nothing to do with her?

It was especially tragic to see Lucifer's choice essentially taken away from him because of Rory's insistence/coercion that he keep everything the same, after how much the show emphasized personal choice and responsibility. Not to mention his separation from his family for most of their lives is just needlessly tragic after everything they've been through.

Here's how I think the final season could have been made 100x better while still keeping the overall plot and taking into account the scheduling/COVID safety issues with Trixie's actress:

Instead of introducing Rory, have Trixie be the one who time travels back from the future to see Lucifer (therefore keeping her character relevant while using a different actress). This could be explained by her having asked Charlie to send her back in time. Not only would it make sense for Charlie to be the one to develop time traveling powers (since Amenadiel's powers were also time-based), but his powers could even be teased briefly with baby Charlie earlier in the season.

Her anger would be due to two reasons - Lucifer abandoning her so shortly after her father died, and Chloe telling Trixie that Lucifer was the only one who could have freed Dan from Hell, but that he didn't do it before leaving. Perhaps Chloe waited until Trixie was in her 20s/30s before telling her this, and that was the breaking point that made Trixie ask Charlie to send her back in time.

In the past, she somehow conceals her identity and uses tricks Maze taught her over the years to (pretend to) threaten Chloe in order to force Lucifer to bring Dan to Heaven. Lucifer knows he can't do that and it would likely make Dan a ghost, but Dan agrees to it anyway to save Chloe.

Once he's back on Earth, Trixie demands to know why Dan isn't in Heaven and gives up when both Lucifer and Dan convince her it's impossible. Realizing she failed her father, Trixie frees Chloe and leaves (obviously never intending to harm her in the first place). She later comes back, revealing her identity and explaining why she did what she did, why she's so angry at Lucifer, and how things go down in the future.

All the same shenanigans ensue, with Lucifer asserting he would never leave Chloe and Trixie, and trying to prove that he does actually love Trixie as his own daughter. He could do the same goodbye tour just in case, but this time spend a day at the beach with Chloe and adult Trixie.

Meanwhile, child Trixie can be off at a camp designed for children who lost a parent(s) and want to spend time with counselors and other grieving kids to help them recover. This would be a much better explanation than Trixie being off at a science camp and never seeing her mother so shortly after the trauma of losing her father.

All the other plots could still happen with Dan trying not to be a ghost, possessing Le Merc, talking to Lucifer and realizing he needed to speak to (child) Trixie, etc. Lucifer would still realize he didn't want to be God while Amenadiel would realize he did want to be God, yet more emphasis would be placed on Lucifer wanting to find his true calling.

Le Merc could kidnap adult Trixie, and she could similarly need to be talked down by Lucifer so that she didn't kill Le Merc in revenge. They could still figure out that Lucifer ultimately helped Dan get into heaven, and that he has helped other people (like Lee and Trixie) move past their own mistakes/flaws.

Rather than pressuring Lucifer to keep the time loop the same like Rory did, Trixie could explain how important it is to her that Dan was able to get into heaven because of Lucifer (and the time loop). And how important it is to her that other people who made mistakes, like her father, can get into heaven with Lucifer's help too.

Chloe's acceptance would be due to several things: wanting Dan to get into Heaven, being happy Lucifer found his calling, and - tying into the background plot of police brutality/inequality- realizing that many 'criminals' are a product of our broken system and deserve the chance to better themselves in this life or the afterlife.

Perhaps if they changed the focus of the Hell episode (where Lucifer helped the guy he hated confront his deepest insecurity), to his brother Michael instead, Lucifer would have a deeper connection to his calling. If he could learn to care about and understand Michael, he could care about/understand anyone. Perhaps Michael's issues aren't fully resolved by the end of that episode, but some sort of progress was made. This would enhance Lucifer's motivation to follow his calling/keep the time loop and give the ongoing Lucifer and Michael plot a real conclusion.

To emphasize that this really is Lucifer (and his loved one's choice) - rather than Rory or fate itself - perhaps they could even include a conversation with Ella, theorizing the possibility of creating an alternate universe if he chooses to break the loop, rather than making it seem like the loop is inevitable.

As such, he willingly chooses to 'abandon' his family (with their consent) for the next decade or two so that Trixie time travels and all of this comes to pass.

But unlike the finale, he can become a part of their lives again after Trixie has completed the time loop. That way, he isn't apart from Chloe and Trixie for the rest of their lives, but they all had a chance to learn and grow on their own before coming back together and understanding one another.

All of this would have provided a much more satisfying conclusion to the show. It would respect the relationships already formed (and affirm the validity of non-biological family), respect Lucifer's newfound ability to make his own choices, keep character motivations realistic, and more.

What do you think? What would be your preferred finale of Lucifer?

[swashbucklery]

"ao3 is a rare gem in this social media dystopian hellscape" lmao when it the last time you've been outside? go read a real book

Hi there anon! I assume you’re joining me because you’re trolling the notes of the pro-ao3 post I just reblogged, looking for people to harass. Thanks for coming out.

The AO3 is a fantastic, Hugo award winning space built by fans, with the specific goal of providing a nonprofit space to archive fanworks. It has a history within fandom that is important and meaningful and protects fanwork creators, specifically authors, in a unique way. Its parent organization, the OTW, also does fantastic work in preserving and archiving fanworks and preserving and archiving fanworks is something worth doing.

It is also a big deal as the AO3 is not monetized. Their platform runs on donations, instead of using clicks to sell ad revenue. This means that creators’ work is not being exploited for profit, and that creators’ work is their own while the archive hosts it. In the current internet climate, that’s very rarely the case - most social media sites that don’t cost money run on a platform of marketing content for ad revenue in order to generate product, which means that their business model is based off of profiting from the unpaid labour of their user base.

Look, anon. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve been in fandom and writing fic for nearly 25 years and I’ve seen platforms rise and fall more than once. The AO3 is based on work done by fans who have a similar kind of institutional, historical knowledge about how fandom as an entity has grown and transformed. These fans have learned where the gaps in the system are and have built something beautiful to fix it. The archive is a testatement to thousands of volunteer hours and love and attention to detail and hard work and it‘s an example of what fans can do when they come together instead of getting bogged down in shitty trolling. It fits into a niche that nothing else does, it’s usable and organized and accessible and there is nothing else like it. It is a gem.

I see that you’re currently in a place where you really just want to attack other people, anon, so we’re probably not going to have a productive discussion about this. But I would encourage you to take a step back and stop focusing on being angry and using that anger to destroy things without thinking about what you’re doing.

If you and your buds trolling the archive are doing so because you don’t like the way that AO3 runs things, you’re welcome to migrate your content to another archive or start an archive of your own that markets to the content you prefer! But you don’t have to tear down a space that’s serving other fans well in order to do it. The internet is a big place.

In conclusion, anon, thanks for the feedback. Go fuck yourself.

[softboywriting]

Little Moments | Billy Russo

Summary: Tension in familiarity leads to confessions after a terrifying event. [Billy Russo x Reader] [Violence] [Blood] [Gunshots] [Assistant!Reader] [Alternate Timeline - Castle family not mentioned/never happened] [Fluff] 

Word Count: 4.1k

A/N: This is my first Billy Russo fic, we’ll see where this goes yeah?

Just over a year ago you took a position as an assistant with Anvil. The job wasn't too bad, basically you took care of paying the bills for the facility, keeping inventory of supplies and equipment, scheduling appointments and keeping track of who was deployed where and why while keeping tabs on them and their duties while on deployment from Anvil. You had done work like this before, managing in a grocery store in your early twenties. It wasn't all that different, just instead of managing products you managed people. No the job was not difficult but your boss. Well. He was something else. 

William "Billy" Russo was a force to be reckoned with. Intelligent, handsome, cunning. His smile could kill. His eyes...they were something all their own. To say Billy was attractive was an understatement. But attraction was only part of the problem. The other part is his sharp tongue, quick wit and dry sarcasm. A year of sharing an office with him had put you on edge. You never know what he would do next, what he would say next. Some days you wish you could fuck him right there in that expensive leather rolling chair behind his desk. Other's you want to rip his leg off and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. The two of you got close, going back and forth with playful banter almost daily. It's like you’re always on the edge of being something more, if one of you would just make the first move.

Things finally come to a head one day when you've got a particularly large workload on your plate and Billy has decided to go on one of his little rants about who knows what, you tune him out. He is always coming into the office and talking to himself. Maybe he is talking to you, but you rarely participate in the conversation. At first you thought he was on a call, using a headset or something, but no. He just talks, and he talks a lot.

"Can you shut up for five fucking minutes?" You snap, head pounding from eye strain. You've been at the computer for six hours now, and you're trying to transcribe a call from one of his units over in Turkey about a job. Billy's mindless chatter has gotten on your last nerve today. 

Billy stops, falling silent somewhere near his desk. The room becomes thick, heavy with tension as you both remain silent. You've never snapped at him, not seriously. You've told him to go fuck himself but in a playful way. This was too real. Too loaded. He's your boss. Fuck.

You're not one to apologize when you're not actually sorry though. You remain silent, knowing he expects you to say something. He wants you to take back your words but you won't. 

"How much work do you have left?" 

Your eyes flick from the screen to him. He looks flushed. Angry? No. His eyes hold no malice. He looks aroused. No way. A cold sweat runs down your back. He must be livid. "I'm transcribing a call right now then I have to make copies of some invoices, order new foam guards for the weight benches and-"

"Finish the call. Then go home."

"Yes, sir."

Billy pushes off his desk and exits the room, leaving the door open behind him. You know that he isn't happy with your little outburst. You just don't know why he won't say as much. He looks turned on if you didn't know better. Or do you? 

The rest of the call goes smoothly now you don't have to pause every few seconds to rewind and listen to it to make out exactly what the unit leader was saying over Billy's chatter. You wrap up and head out as you were told. On the way out you pass Billy with a few of his higher up employees.

"Good night, Mr. Russo." You say softly with a hand raised in a wave. You always call him by his last name around other people. It's not much of a gesture but you want to keep things calm and civil. He nods, face unreadable, and gives a little raise of his hand as well. More than you expected, and it puts you at ease that you might keep your job. 

_____________________

"I'll have my assistant arrange the payment from you after the contract is finalized." 

You stop by the door to the meeting room to listen in. The men in the room with Billy are potential clients, men who want private security for multiple locations. You had greeted them when they arrived and showed them to the meeting room. They rubbed you the wrong way. You met a lot of men and women in your year at Anvil, a lot of different people from different walks of life. None of them made you as uncomfortable as these men had. You step away from the door and go to the office. If Billy wants to get in bed with them then let him. That's not your call.

"Let me grab the paperwork from my assistant." You hear through the closed door and Billy steps in, closing it behind him. "Can you give me a new client contract?" 

"Sure." You pull open the file drawer on your right and thumb through the papers. "They must be very promising work."

Billy leans on the side of the desk, quirking an eyebrow up at you. "What's got you so mouthy lately?" 

You cut him a glare and he chuckles. 

"You don't like them?"

"I'm not fond." 

"Why?" 

"They feel wrong." You extract a thick booklet of paper and hand it to Billy. "But let's not pretend you care what I think, Mr. Russo."

Billy rolls his eyes at the formalities. "You know damn well I value your input just like I do from any other person who works for me. Talk to me."

You sit up and lean back in your chair, eyes on his, your heart pounding. He's looking at you so attentively it's hard to focus. Those eyes, so soft and warm staring back at you. Fuck. He could make you spill the truth about everything without trying. "They give me a bad feeling. The second I greeted them they just...felt bad? I can't explain it."

"We work with a lot of morally gray people in our line of business, sweetheart." Billy leans back, hands spreading out on the desk. His hands, fuck they're nice. "But I will never ignore a gut instinct."

"So you won't sign the contract with them?" 

"I'll do some more investigation before I do. Talk to a few friends in high places."

You nod and slide forward to sit at the computer, closer to him. What a mistake. You can smell his cologne, his heat is pouring into your knee beside his. It takes everything in you to keep your eyes forward on the computer. He reaches over and lays a hand on your shoulder, making your body flush with heat. Why did he have to touch you? 

"Yes?" You ask, sparing a quick glance up at him. Mistake. He's staring down at you with those beautiful obsidian eyes. God they're so big and he's such a-

"Thank you."

"For what?" 

"For telling me. You've never come to me like this before about a client. I like it."

"Oh. Well it's your business so-" 

Billy leans in close to your ear and you feel that cold sweat return from when you told him to shut up. This time it's not fear or panic, it's arousal? The closeness is getting to you, your head is swimming. "You're just as important to me as this company. Remember that." 

You nod.

"Couldn't hear you."

"Y-yeah. Yes. I will."

He pushes off the desk and slides the papers he had been leaning against closer to you before he picks up the contract and smacks it against his hand a few times. "Will you set up a meeting with the Rodgers Estate for later?"

You grab a pen and scribble it in your planner. "Got it Mr. Russo."

"One more thing." He says and you look up. His hand is on the door handle. "Have a drink and relax? You're a little wound up lately. And drop the Mr. Russo shit, call me Billy when we're alone. You know that." He smiles and gives you a wink before slipping out the door to meet the clients in the hall.  

A drink? You need a week off, a spa getaway and a new career. Billy Russo is driving you up a wall and he doesn't even see it. Or maybe he does. Shit. 

_____________

A week later. Just before eight in the morning you're settled into your desk, ready to start going through some new shipment invoices when you hear a commotion downstairs. It isn't unusual for the trainees to get out of hand from time to time, fights break out, things get heated. You dismiss it and go about your work. 

"Six new treadmills? What the hell are these people doing to them?" You sigh and type the invoice number for Sports Equipmentz LTD into your system. "Billy is gonna get an ear full for this one."

There is more comotion and you look at the closed door. Another fight? Billy doesn't stand for that kind of stuff on the training floor. He would have stopped it by now. Actually, no one should be in the facility except you and Billy this early. What the hell is that noise.

You push up from the desk and go to the window beside the door, peeking through the blinds. From what you can see nothing looks out of balance. Then you hear gunshots and your stomach churns, cold and sick. There is no live fire allowed in the facility. All firearm training is done off site. 

"Fuck." You flip the lock on the door and look around for something to barricade the floor to ceiling window beside the door. There is nothing you can move alone. You flip off the light and head to your desk, grab your phone and dial Billy's number. 

No answer. You sink down under the desk and pull the chair in close. Maybe if someone does get in they will think the office is empty and move on since the desk looks unused. You reach over and shut down the computer tower, then reach up and pull down all your paperwork to clear the desk. 

Thumping from the bathroom on the other side of the office makes your heart pound. Someone is on the upper floor with you. A gunshot. Tears well up in your eyes. Why didn't you let Billy get you a conceal and carry? Why didn't you do that gun training six months ago? Because you're afraid of guns and you couldn't trust yourself not to hurt someone on accident. Fuck. Fuck! 

The door handle jiggles. You cover your mouth and try dialing Billy again. The phone disconnects as soon as it rings once. Goes straight to a voicemail. You can't remember if he is with a client today. There are voices outside the door, then a gunshot so loud you know it's just on the other side. You close your eyes, press your face into your knees and try to imagine you are invisible. 

The door opens, not with a kick, but unlocked and you can't breathe. You can't move. They're moving around the room. Billy's desk first. Papers are rustled, then the footsteps grow closer. You shrink yourself smaller, arms in pain from holding your knees so tight. 

"If they took you, I swear to God I will-...there you are." 

You look up and Billy is knelt down, arm on the desk as he looks at you. He's a fucking mess of what you can only assume is blood and God knows what. "Billy, oh god for fucks sake." You cry and he shoves the chair away to pull you out onto his lap. 

Never have you clung to someone so hard in your entire life. You press your face into his neck, hand digging into his back harshly as you cry in relief. 

His hand slides up your back and cradles your ribs on the left. "Hey, hey." He murmurs softly and you stop crying so hard. " What did I promise you when I hired you?" 

"That I would be safe. That no matter what I would be safe and a-all I had to do was paperw-work." 

"That's right." Billy pulls you back gently, tugging your shirt to guide you. He looks horrible, but none of it seems to be from his own injuries. "Aw, fuck. You're a mess now." 

You look down at your shirt and it's got blood on it. "Oh god. Oh god wh-who..."

Billy shakes his head. "Don't think about it too much." He presses a kiss to your temple, hand on the back of your head. "Close your eyes, don't look at it."

"What happened?" 

"I'll tell you later."

"I didn't know what to do."

"Hey, no, no shh. You were a good girl. You stayed quiet, stayed down and locked the door." He rubs your back and pats your side. "We're going to get out of here and I'll handle the situation from the apartment."

You nod and peek your eyes open for a second. "It's bad out there isn't it?" 

"It's not pretty. I'll get you outside and we'll get out of here, don't worry." 

"Okay."

_____________________

You had never been to Billy's place. Never had a reason to go. It's more industrial than you expected, modern industrial chic. Posh. Very expensive obviously, but that was Billy. Well dressed, well spoken. He looked the part to play the part. 

He set you up in a large bathroom and gave you clothes, a shirt and a pair of pajama pants. They might fit alright, Billy is quite a bit slimmer than you are in the hips and thighs. 

You look in the mirror and clench your jaw. Your peachy colored blouse is ruined, your sweater is fucked. Your face. God your face has someone else's blood on it. Across your cheek and nose where you had pressed your face into Billy's neck. 

There is a pile of washcloths and you grab a few, soaking them and scrubbing at your skin. You pull your clothes off fervently, desperate to be clean of strange blood. The shower is large, open and ready to be used. So you do. You get in and turn the water on and sit on the floor, processing. It was all a blur. Everything happened so fast. Was it even real?

Some time passes and you see the door open. The water is getting lukewarm as it cascades over your skin. You don't even care if he sees you naked you're so out of your own head. 

"I'm going to head to Anvil. The police have arrived to investigate the break in."

"Okay." You croak, not looking away from the wall opposite you.

"You can stay." Billy walks into the room and leans over the shower to turn the water off. He squats down beside you and offers you a towel from the warmer by the toilet. "Mind getting out of there for me?"

"Billy, what happened?" You look over at him and he looks...normal. He's in a blue sweater, dark jeans, boots. It's the most casual you've ever seen him. He's always been a suit man to you. Here he looks like a guy you'd meet at a bar and share a few beers with. The guy you'd take home and laugh about jokes with from stupid comedian on TV. It's strange, but warming. 

He helps you up and wraps you in the fluffy gray towel. "Your feeling? About the clients I met with?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You were right." He slicks your hair back off of your face. "They got wind that I was looking further into why they wanted my employees. It was for a human trafficking operation. I don't do human trafficking, and I was going to decline the offer. Some snitch at the Rodgers Estate let it out that I was asking questions. I guess they thought they could clear their tracks by killing me."

"O-oh."

"Mmm. I didn't think they would do something in broad daylight but here we are. Amatures." Billy steps back and runs a hand over his hair. "I called the police, said that I got a notification that the building had been beached through an unauthorized entrance. It's not a lie. Technically they did. Thankfully I wasn't there."

You step out of the shower and grab the clothes he gave you from the counter. "But you were. You...you killed those men." 

"No, I incapacitated them." He crosses his arms and pulls his lower lip between his teeth. "It was me and you or them. We were the only ones in that facility. I wasn't going to let them hurt you."

"H-how do you explain that?" You sit on the toilet and Billy leans on the doorframe. "What if-" 

"That's my job sweetheart. You worry about yourself, here. I gotta go meet the cops." He pats the wood a few times and looks out into the hall. "Call me if you need anything. I promise I'll answer no matter what."

You nod. 

"I'll be back later."

____________________

Hours pass and you become familiar with the apartment. It's huge, the penthouse of a very expensive building downtown. It has two bedrooms, two baths, a kitchen and dining area, a living room, a balcony that wraps around and has a fire pit and a small private pool. It's more luxury than you could ever afford. Not that Anvil doesn't pay well, because it does. This is just far more than you could ever make. 

In Billy's room there aren't any personal touches. It's clean, picture perfect even. Like at any moment someone could come and take photos to sell the place. There is a picture on his bedside table, the only thing that isn't straight from a design catalog. It's you and Billy with a few investors. Your first meeting he ever brought you to. How could you forget? He bought you the dress literally an hour before the meeting because yours ripped in the back. It was possibly the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in front of a boss. He didn't make you feel bad or anything, he simply asked your size, stopped at a shop on the way to the dinner and got you a dress. It was just that easy, that normal. 

You set the photo down and lay back. Your eyes close and you imagine what Billy is like outside of work. Of course you've gotten a taste of that, all the banter and shared stories. Nothing too deep but enough to keep conversation going. You probably shared more than him, way more. It was like when you started talking to someone you couldn't stop. You just, information overload the poor person. Usually people get spooked away, or they tell you that they don't care or don't need to know. Not Billy. He just listened, gaze fixed on you while you talked. Maybe that's why you like him so much. He listened. He cared. 

"Cozy?" 

You roll over and open your eyes to find Billy in the doorway to his room. "You're back. I didn't hear you come in?" 

"There is a bed in the other room y'know?" He chuckles as he goes to sit at the end of the bed and pull his boots off. "Or do you just like mine because it's bigger?" 

"Oh yeah, yours is much bigger. Comfier too." 

He hums. "Go through all my shit?" 

"You know it." 

"There's my girl." He looks back and he's smiling. "I was getting worried about you. You seemed pretty shaken up."

You sigh and shake your head. Of course Billy doesn't think about how you've never been in a dangerous situation short of falling from a tree when you were ten. To him gunfire and blood were in a day's work as an ex marine special operations. "I think I'd be more worried about you."

Billy turns and crawls up the bed, leaning with his head on his hand, elbow propping him up. "Why's that?" 

"Been a while since you saw live action hasn't it? You're not worried about PTSD?"

"I've seen plenty of action since I got out. I know the risk I take running the company I do. It hasn't happened before now but it was bound to eventually."

"Right, yeah."

"Do I scare you?" 

You shake your head. "No, not really. I know you've done things, seen things that I couldn't even imagine. It's part of who you are, who you were." 

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that. It was them or us. You know that right?" 

"Y-yeah. I know." You pick at the bedspread and he bumps his hand against your knee. 

"You alright? I tried to keep you...away from it. I know you aren't like everyone else."

"I'm not ex military you mean." You feel your chest tighten. "I'm a civilian. I can't defend myself." 

Billy sits up and lays a hand on your back. "Hey, hey."

"I shouldn't stay at Anvil. I should just go somewhere else. I can't do this, Billy, I'm scared what if this happened again?" Tears spill over and down your face. "I-I can't." 

"I will never let anything happen to you." He turns your face to look at him. He's warm, his lips plush, eyes on yours. "You can work from home if you want. I'll stop by and bother you and make you tell me to shut up." He smiles a little as your lips turn up at the telling him to shut up part. "You like that?"

"I don't know, but I think you do." 

Billy laughs softly, his smile wide. "Maybe I do. You noticed that?" 

"Maybe." You wipe your eyes and he brushes a stray tear away with his thumb. "Why do you care so much? I'm just your assistant." 

"Because I love you."

"W-what?" You hiccup as your breathing stops for a moment. 

"You're like family. I trust you with everything, I tell you everything, you're my girl." Billy runs a hand through your hair. "I can't lose you." 

"I don't-...I'm just-" 

His lips press against yours and your eyes fall closed. It's an innocent kiss, soft and loving. "If I read this wrong all this time, you gotta tell me." He murmurs, head pressed to yours. 

"No, you didn't. I just, you just caught me off guard." 

"Yeah?" He smiles, nose scrunching up against yours. He places his fingers under your chin and tilts your head up to kiss you again briefly. "You're sure it's okay?" 

You nod and he pulls back to kiss your temple, holding his nose to your hair and cradling the back of your head. 

"Get some rest, I've got some calls to make." He climbs off the bed and heads for the door. 

"Are you leaving?" 

"No." 

"Good." 

He walks back quickly and kisses your cheek. "I mean it. Get some rest."

"I would if you'd just go already."

"Oh. You think you can just get rid of me?" He crawls back on the bed and you fall back as he straddles your hips. "You think you can boss me around huh?" He starts tickling your sides and you squeal, thrashing under his surprisingly strong hold. 

"Stop! Stop! I yield!" 

Billy stops and bends over, bracketing your head with his arms. "I knew you'd be fun to torment outside of that stuffy office." 

"I hate tickling." 

"Oh that's very obvious. I've made a mental note, highlighted it in yellow and everything." He bumps his nose against yours. "I'm gonna find everything that makes you tick." 

You reach up and run a hand over his hair that's flopping forward from lack of product. "Expect to get as much as you give." 

"Oh I do." His lips ghost over yours as he speaks. "I look forward to it." 

You shove his head to the side and he flops over. "Don't you have calls to make?" 

"Maybe." 

"Go make your calls. I'm going to stink up your bed and rifle through your drawers more." 

"I expect no less." He says, getting up and going to the door once more. "Let me know if you find anything you like, yeah?" 

"Get out!" 

He just cackles and you close your eyes. This is really happening. Funny how the world works in mysterious ways. You never thought you'd be the one to snatch Billy Russo off the market but here you are, and you're pretty damn proud of it. 

The end 

-----------

Header image by delicate-venus

Thank you so much for reading, please reblog to support content creators. -A

[lucy90712]

Sapnap- face cam

Wc- 1987

Warnings- none (I think)  I've been up for almost 30 hours mainly because I was doing college homework all of last night and because my boyfriend Sapnap was streaming and being very loud which kept me up in the first place which was why I did my homework anyway. I love Sapnap to death but sometime he can be a little annoying but I put up with it.

Sapnap only got into bed at 4am and he's still asleep now at 11pm meanwhile since then I've finished a big essay, cleaned the apartment, done another essay and then made breakfast for myself which I'm eating now. I wish I could be this productive when I've had sleep but somehow it never works like that.

Eventually Sapnap came downstairs sauntering because he was still sleepy, some of us wish. He walked right over giving me a hug from behind as I washed some dishes and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Morning babe you alright?" He asked

"Yeah I'm good a little tired but I'll live" I replied

"Just to let you know I'll be streaming later" he said

He always tells me when he's streaming because his fans don't know about us and he doesn't want to accidentally reveal anything to protect me which is cute but it gets hard when he streams for hours on end and I need help with something. Sapnap is good about to it though if I really need help I either text him or message him on discord and he'll help but he sometimes doesn't read his messages.

I gave him some of what I made for breakfast and he sat down to eat it while I talked at him about college work that he pretends to care about. He's very supportive of all my college work and he'll let me get on with things if I have to but he will also talk about things with me if I want to. Thats one of the best things about Sapnap is his ability to adapt to how I'm feeling at any given moment and I like to think I'm at least ok at doing the same for him.

After breakfast Sapnap cleaned the rest of the dishes and let me take a shower which was nice and relaxing and woke me up a little bit as the cold water at the start hit my back, usually I would not be under the water as it warmed up but today I felt like I needed a shock to my system to get it going for another day. I had more homework and a lecture to do today so there was no chance for a nap until the evening when it's kind of pointless anyway.

After my shower I got dressed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt because it was comfy for sitting down all day in. Sapnap had got my laptop ready for me and had got me a glass for water which was sweet of him. My lecture was in about 2 minutes so I logged onto the class ready for it to start, when it did I put my headphones on so that Sapnap didn't have to listen to my teacher going on about whatever we were doing today, he always says he doesn't care but even I don't want to listen to it sometimes so there is no way he does.

As I tapped away making notes Sapnap put his hand on my knee rubbing his thumb in circles comfortingly. He does this all the time whether its sat on the sofa like right now or while we're driving somewhere but its safe to say that I love it, it lets me know he's there in a weird way it's like he's acknowledging my presence. At one point he got up and went to the kitchen and when he came back he had my favourite snack which he put between us so that we could share. What a lovely boyfriend he's being today, I'm starting to wonder what he thinks he's done that's he's trying to make up for.

My lecture finally finished after what seemed like and age so I went to get straight on with my last essay that needed submitting by the end of the month but Sapnap shut my laptop before I could get the document open, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the sofa and towards the door.

"Come on were going out for a walk" he said

"Why, I have an essay to work on" I whined

"You'll never leave the house if I don't drag you out so come on" he said handing me my shoes

I put them on and grabbed a jacket because according to the weather it was meant to be a little bit chilly out today, Sapnap grabbed the house keys and pushed me out the door onto the street. We don't often go out on walks because neither of us like leaving the house that much if we were to go out it would most likely be in the car to just go for a drive.

The two of us walked down the street holding hands and swinging them back and forth as we took steps forwards. Sapnap clearly had a good idea of where he wanted to go because he was making turns all over the place. Eventually we ended up at the target not that far from our place and we went in looking at everything like you do in target and we topped up on some snacks for a movie night soon.

We left with our snacks and Sapnap dragged me to the nearest park so we could sit outside and get a bit more fresh air. The nearest park is actually the one that we went to on one of our first dates so we have good memories there, on one of the benches by the duck pond is where we had our first kiss and many more after that.

I always love going back to that park with Sapnap because each time we reminisce on the past and talk about the future which seems to change each time we come here. We walked to the exact bench that we had our first kiss on and sat down looking at the scenery. It had changed quite a bit since the first time we were here, there used to be a little play park for kids in the distance but now thats gone and is replaced with a small flower garden instead.

The first time we came here and we talked about the future all we wanted was to still be together after we left for college which of course happened, then the next time we wanted to move in together which we did and now. I'm not really sure what the future holds for us but I'm sure it will be interesting.

"Wow its been so long since we came here we have changed so much and achieved everything that we wanted to" he said

"I know its so weird to think that our last goal was to move in together and now we have been living together for 5 months where do you think we will end up in the future?" I asked

"On man I have no idea but I would love to still be living together and maybe in a bigger place and maybe even be engaged" he said

This shocked me I never expected him to say that but I guess that is the next logical step for us to take in our relationship.

"I like the sound of that" I said  

We went back home and Sapnap went to stream while I worked on my essay he didn't tell me how long he was going to stream for but it will probably be about 3 hours. So I sat down and got on with writing the last 15 pages of my essay which would probably take me the entire time he was streaming maybe longer.

My essay took me almost exactly 4 hours to do but when I tried to submit it it wouldn't upload which happens from time to time. I looked at the upload speed of the WiFi since Sapnap taught me how to do it and it was fine but I assumed that it was being used for something else. This problem has happened before when Sapnap is uploading a video so I assumed that was the issue.

It got up and walked to Sapnap’s streaming room waiting outside for a moment to double check that he wasn't still streaming, I waited a couple minutes and heard nothing so I knocked and went in.

As soon as I went in I saw that Sapnap was still streaming and his face cam was on which meant that I was now on his stream in front of however many people. I've never made such a stupid mistake especially one that outs my entire relationship, I just stood in shock not being able to move and get out of the shot. Sapnap had the exact same reaction his face was filled with shock and fear at the same time.

Nothing prepares you for the moment that you expose yourself live in front of probably 100,000 people or more who will record anything that happens. Nothing prepares you for the chaos that will ensue when you do the before mentioned thing and definitely nothing prepares you for the guilt you feel doing so.

"Um hi y/n" He said trying to make things less awkward

"Hey" I replied shyly

He motioned for me to come over because there was no point trying to hide this anymore since no one will believe anything we say now. I stood next to Sapnap luckily being short enough that I still fit in frame but he had obviously given up caring at this point because he pulled me down into his lap to sit while we talked to his chat. Again he did the thing where he rubs his thumb in a circle on my leg and this time it really was for comfort.

"Well chat this is y/n and shes my... girlfriend" he said

"Hi everyone" I said shyly

"Now chat I'm going to need you to be nice to her or I'll be angry because she is very precious to me" he said

His chat were going insane telling others to clip this and people getting way to excited about all of this and some were asking questions. The whole chat was going so incredibly fast that it was hard to read all the messages.

We answered some of the basic questions like how long we have been together and other things, people also asked if George and Dream knew which of course they did and they have made jokes about Sapnap having a girlfriend but no one ever took it too seriously. At one point dream joined the call and started mocking us for being stupid and exposing ourselves and he told some stories that he knew we wouldn't mind him saying which the chat enjoyed.

I started yawning more and more as I stayed on the stream because I wasn't keeping my mind busy my tiredness was taking over. I leant back into Sapnap to rest my head on his shoulder, he out his hand on my head running it through my hair which is very relaxing.

"Are you tired?" He asked

"No I'm fine I can stay awake" I said

"I don't want to hear it I know you've been awake for over 24 hours so you are going to sleep" he almost demanded

He put his arms around my waist and pulled me into a comfortable position where I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost right away forgetting that Sapnap was still streaming but it doesn't matter.