#being scary toward people and then people not liking that feels like an excellent example of cause and effect

[revvethasmythh]

Some aspects of Laudna's behavior from the most recent ep have really started to stand out to me re: her backstory. We're told basically that after leaving Whitestone she roamed to different cities and was subsequently run out of many places by the townsfolk for being...well, a creepy undead witch. This is really all we know of thirty years of her life, we have nothing more detailed than that until Gelvaan, which is also not very detailed on what exactly she was doing there. And it's interesting because this backstory feels like it's meant to elicit a lot of sympathy on Laudna's behalf--i.e. she is being wrongly chased out of places for the crime of being/looking different. But something about the way she approached Imahara Joe's establishment--sending in the creepy whispers, specifically making a bunch of terrifying "rattling noises", and responding with a smile and saying "It works every time" when they heard a noise in response--really has me like. okay. Laudna, did you get chased out of places because you were terrorizing people in those places? because it sounds like you've done this before, potentially many times, and what's "fun scary" to one person can so very easily be "scary scary" to the people on the other end of the schtick.

Laudna clearly loves people, but I do have to wonder if she experiences a certain amount of dissonance about the effects that her actions cause. She very much has this Manic Demon Nightmare Girl persona thing going on, and that delighted, manic energy mixed with her penchant for the macabre, often directed at other people where she enjoys their freaked out reactions? I think, perhaps, there were reasons she kept getting run out of places that we have not, uh, unpacked as of yet.

To go deeper with this, Laudna is a character who rarely feels like she's in charge of her own destiny. Some of this is intentional, like the repeated puppet imagery re: Delilah. But I wonder if, perhaps, Laudna is someone who has had so many things--bad things, terrible things--happen to her that she had learned to erase her own role in her life. There was nothing she could do when the Briarwoods took over Whitestone, there was nothing she could do when she was murdered by Delilah, and there was nothing she could do when she was resurrected as the undead creachure that she is today. But there are thing she could have done in the intervening thirty years to change her situation. She could have pursued threads about getting rid of Delilah for thirty years, long before meeting Imogen. She could have (somewhat) altered her behavior so she wasn't freaking people out wherever she went and maybe she could have stayed somewhere. She could have been proactive in making changes and pursuing things in her life and I just wonder if she has forgotten that she can do that for herself and that the things she does do have consequences. In ep 49, she told Imogen, "The gods have never kept us from our ability to have a choice." But she only says this to Imogen. When does Laudna finally make an active choice? When does she realized that her behavior and the consequences of the behavior are in her control? When does Laudna decide that it's time to stop being a spectator in her own story, a person that things happen to? Soon, I hope. She should be the main character of her own story, and right now she simply isn't

[celaenaeiln]

Absolutely agree with your post. My friend once told me something like “it’s interesting to see how there are a lot of narratives within dick grayson’s stories that can be read as metaphors of rejection of someone’s autonomy—which is many times it happens towards/explored in female characters, e.g the robin mantle being ‘ripped away’ from him without his consent, his should have been ‘fate’ as talon, a tool for CoO” and when you add it with his canonical SA and the many times he gets objectified, another thing that media throughout the times write happened to/explored in female characters, it further cements the point of him occupying the (traditional) female character role.

OG post in reference

Thank you!!! Those are all excellent points to bring up!

You guys did a fantastic job of identifying core examples of where Dick is written for the female role. Every time I read him, I'm amazed time and time again how beautifully DC has written him. He's undeniably written as a man but he's unique in the way his characteristics overwhelmingly reflect typical female personality traits and his entire life story is written as if he were a woman. The relationships he has with people, he always subtly ends up in the female role.

Take the scene of him being objectified -

JLA/Titans Issue #3

This is exactly what it's like to be catcalled.

It's humiliating, uncomfortable, and scary. It needs to be addressed.

But here's where I oppose fandom's view on this. Fandom basically blames DC for scenarios like this where Dick is being harassed by other characters for his beauty or suggesting that Dick somehow encourages this behavior, but I think we should restructure our outlook.

Dick being objectified should be considered as one of his trauma's like his SA is. Like the way Jason death affected him, Stephanie's death affected her, or the way Tim's depression did him, Dick's constant sexual objectification should be analyzed as part of canon problem because it's relates to once again to how women feel in these exact situations. Note the way he is uncomfortable - the writers know what they're doing. They know it's wrong and if they're bringing up his reluctance time and time again, then this should be explored not as a fault of DC but as a problem he's forced to face.

DC uses Dick as a soundboard to broadcast the issues women face in a way that wouldn't be as problematic as if they did with other major female characters. Because doing such things to female characters is a little too political for a comic book and a corporate company so they take liberties through Dick instead. Some of the times they've written him seem intentional and other times it seems unintentional, but even with the way the later is written, it's because they're following Dick's standard characterization which was written to be the balance between men and women.

Another major, MAJOR point you bring up is autonomy.

Autonomy is the essence of his character.

Quick definition: autonomy is the right to self-govern. This means you're in control of your own actions, beliefs, and HERE IT IS - Freedom to do what you wish to.

From the moment Dick and Bruce started fighting, the problem with their relationship boiled down to one thing and one thing only. Freedom.

Given my other Bruce and Dick posts, I've mentioned how Bruce felt an increasing need for control over Dick while Dick felt increasingly furious at his freedom being taken away.

Even Azrael when he lost it for a moment. Batman!Dick

Batman (1940) Issue #709

Another point: For Bruce, all his enemies want him to break. They want him to turn evil but for Dick's, his enemies always want to him to follow them.

Yet the fact that Dick faces all this and continually fights this - he's girlbossing so hard.

That's why I like Dick so much. He breaks the gender roles. Because breaking gender roles isn't just painting your nails pink and saying you respect women. No. It means playing the traditional role of men and women both.

A man's typical role is strength, power, and competitiveness.

A woman's typical role is vulnerability, empathy, and intutition.

But Dick? Dick is one of the strongest fighters in all of DC, he's considered the best leader, and he's so brilliant he always wins his fights. But at the same time, he cries when he's heartbroken. He cares for children that aren't his own and citizens he doesn't know. He anticipates the emotions of his family and friends and loves them for who they are.

That's also a core difference between Bruce's treatment of the batfamily vs Dick's. Where Bruce rages at their disobedience and differences, Dick accepts them and encourages them. Another why Bruce is viewed as the father role of the family while Dick is viewed in the mother context. Evidence of this is pretty clear in Red Robin Issues #23 - 26 with the way Dick treats Tim vs the way Bruce treats him.

DC made Dick pretty on purpose and they wrote him like a woman on purpose while building him up as a man.

I'll iterate agin, he was built to fight male toxic masculinity and we should be looking at him through those lens. He's a complex, deep character that was meant to break gender roles by embodying both male and female characteristics and that's beauty of him.

[elijahs-dumps]

The Infantilization of Wylan Van Eck (within the soc fandom)

Hi! This is my first tumbler post ever, which is like super scary I wont lie. But I've had this project I've been working on since October and I'd love to share it with people, so here goes nothing!

Infantilization or to infantilize someone means to treat them as a child or in a way that denies their maturity in age or experience, and it qualifies as a form of mental abuse. 

This treatment is common in fandoms, although it obviously isn't done in a hateful way on purpose. It’s often directed towards characters who are more innocent, more kind, or more anxious than the other characters within the universe. Or, sometimes these characters are literally just the youngest of the group. Some examples of this include, Entrapta from She-Ra and the Princesses and Power, Varian from Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure, Number Five from The Umbrella Academy, Hunter from The Owl House, Little Cato from Final Space, and even Peter Parker from the MCU.

However, most of the traits found in characters that are infantilized are also traits found in neurodivergent people. These traits include, missing social cues, being easily excitable or restless, often feeling anxious hyper fixating on something (usually related to science or math), being an outcast from the rest of the group in some way, and so on and so forth. Therefore, infantilization within fandoms is pretty problematic on its own. People (usually online) think that characters with these traits should be babied or pitied or demeaned in some way, even though neurodivergent consumers usually relate to these characters because of those same traits. 

Some evidence of Wylan being infantilized can include; the fact he's only referred to as cute or synonyms to that, while the other Crows or their actors are often sexualized more. People saying or implying he's smaller, weaker, or even younger than the others. And of course, people saying Kaz and Wylan are father and son... which is something I'll come back to later.

Why Wylan?

To better understand why exactly Wylan is receiving this treatment exclusively from the fans, we need to fully analyze the Six of Crows duology, which is exactly what I did!

When we are first introduced to Wylan in chapter seven (Matthias’ POV) of the Six of Crows, we see him sitting at the table and doodling while occasionally chewing on his thumbnail. He doesn't speak until Inej voices her doubts in Wylan’s demolition abilities. Jesper says Wylan “barely knows his trade”, and Kaz mentions that Wylan is “new to the scene”. Matthias also makes a comment about how Wylan “looks like he’s about twelve”. When Jesper and Inej continue to complain about Wylan being their demo man, Kaz tells them that Wylan is doubling as their insurance policy because Wylan is Jan Van Eck’s son, the rich merchant who’s paying Kaz and his chosen crew 40 million kruge in exchange for breaking Bo Yul-Bayur out of the Ice Court. This immediately makes everyone in the room think less of Wylan because of his privileged past.

This introduction sets up Wylan to the readers. His reserved body language, along with his inexperience and Matthias’ comment about his young appearance gives the impression that Wylan is more childish than the other Crows.

In the next chapter (Jesper’s POV) as the Crows react to the reveal of Wylan’s identity, Kaz tells Wylan that he’s “passable at demo, but excellent at hostage”. Jesper calls Wylan a “baby merch” and insists that Kaz leave him behind, less he slows the crew down. Wylan is annoyed that Kaz and Jpeser are talking about him as if he isn't in the room. Then, Kaz tells Wylan that the only reason he hasn't been mugged or jumped in the three months since he left his father’s house is because Kaz placed him under Dregs protection. In fact, Jesper even says that Kaz has been “coddling Wylan”. Jesper proceeds to call Wylan useless as he and Nina belittle Wylan for living in the Barrel “by choice”. This is also where the nickname “merchling” comes from. When the group continues to go back and forth over Wylan’s skills, Kaz repeats that he’s only bringing Wylan along because he doesn’t want to leave their hostage alone in Ketterdam. This makes Wylan the only Crow that wasn’t hired for their abilities, Wylan’s passable demo skills are simply a bonus. It’s a way for Kaz to keep the crew small and avoid splitting the money even further. 

This entire exchange and interaction between our six main characters lays out the groundwork for the dynamic between Wylan and the other Crows for the majority of the first book. Everyone else in the room believes Wylan is just another spoiled rich kid. They make fun of him for his lack of street smarts, and the money he was born into. Wylan never really fights back too much when it comes to comments from the others, which just reinforces the idea that he came from a cushy lifestyle where he never had to learn how to defend himself verbally. Wylan’s inexperience and innocence is often mistaken for stupidity by the characters, and therefore the readers. 

Kaz saying, “Always hit where the mark isn’t looking.” Only for Wylan to reply with, “Who's Mark?” is a great example of this. (Still chapter eight, Jesper’s POV.)

In chapter nine (Kaz’s POV) we see how Kaz views Wylan in his inner monologue. He says Wylan seems out of his depth, and even though he’s only a year younger than Kaz (making Wylan sixteen)  he still looks like a child. Kaz describes Wylan as a silk eared puppy in a room full of fighting dogs. This pushes the concept that Wylan is more childlike than the others further onto the audience. 

Additionally, in chapter eleven (Jesper’s POV), we see Jesper quite literally call Wylan “kid” during the attack at the docks, even though they’re also only one year apart. And in chapter fifteen, Matthias refers to Wylan as “the soft one” within his own inner monologue.

Since Wylan doesn't have his own point of view chapters in the first book, the reader’s entire understanding of this character is formed through the eyes of the other Crows. So, what we’re hearing about Wylan in the first book might not be entirely accurate, which is something people often forget. Part of the reason why the fandom treats Wylan the way they do is because of the way the Crows describe and talk to him throughout the entire series, The reader learns to rely on the others’ opinions on Wylan in order to learn more about him. 

All of the evidence I have shown so far, and even some smaller things I haven't included, plants a certain mentality in the reader; Wylan doesn't have the same knowledge as the other Crows, so he must be weak and gullible. Weakness and gullibility are often traits associated with the “younger-one-of-the-group” trope, or the “Kid Trope”. So, since Wylan is displaying behaviors that we as media consumers have grown used to attaching to characters who are literal children, Wylan must be a child, or at least be treated like one. 

However, the Crows don’t treat Wylan this way because they truly believe Wylan acts like a small child, because he doesn’t. Wylan’s behavior is perfectly normal, it simply sticks out in contrast to the harsh environments all the others have been exposed to. They treat him this way throughout the book as a sort of condescending joke, they belittle him for the stereotypes surrounding his upbringing and little else.

Still, like I said, the Crows’ mindset on Wylan is all the reader is exposed to for the entire first book, so the reader will subconsciously assume Wylan must be doing something to earn this odd treatment from the others. Sometimes readers don’t understand that it is not Wylan’s wealthy and sheltered background that makes him different, it’s the fact that the others are all criminals, murderers, soldiers, and convicts. Wylan is the only “normal” Crow on a very surface level, so his innocence is bound to stick out more.

As the first book continues, we see that there’s more to Wylan’s past than he lets on. We see first hand how smart and capable Wylan truly is, as his character grows with the story. It begins in the fight at the docks in chapter eleven, where Wylan uses his own flash bombs to help Jesper out.  In chapter thirteen, Wylan openly questions and even challenges Kaz after he throws Oomen overboard, which shows great courage on Wylan’s part. This pattern of questioning Kaz when no one else really does is a common theme when it comes to Wylan. We also see Wylan explain who Pekka Rollins is to Matthias in chapter fifteen. This shows that he’s not completely incompetent, and is at least somewhat aware of what goes on in the Barrel. Then, in chapter seventeen (Jesper’s POV), Wylan expresses his natural curiosity and desire for knowledge about anything, from the mechanics of the Ice Court moat to the design of Jesper’s guns. All of this builds to chapter twenty-two, where the Crows are attacked on the ice by Grisha who were sent by the Shu, dosed on parem. Wylan does a lot of heavy lifting in this fight with his bombs, and everyone is impressed. Jesper even makes a comment about how Wylan’s “earned his keep” now. 

Small moments like this that showcase Wylan’s natural resourcefulness and strength are crucial to communicating with the readers that the Crows were wrong about Wylan in the beginning. As Wylan’s true nature begins to develop further throughout the first book, we slowly see the Crows and their attitude towards Wylan change. It becomes more positive. In the future, when Wylan makes an ignorant comment, the others don’t poke fun at him as much. They’ll tell him to be quiet at most.

By the final climax of Six of Crows, chapter forty-six (Kaz’s POV), we find out Wylan cannot read. Jan Van Eck is open about his hatred and mistreatment of his son. When Jesper jumps to Wylan’s defense, he goes as far as to say Wylan is smarter than most of the others put together. Jesper is in love with Wylan at this point in the story, so his words might be a little exaggerated. But there’s still truth to them. This entire scene serves as evidence that Jesper and the other Crows have realized Wylan’s intelligence and worth, so they don’t even think twice when they find out Wylan can’t read or write. 

If all the Crows’ preconceived notions about Wylan were proven wrong before the end of the first book, then why does the fandom still view Wylan in such a problematic way? 

Blame Booktok

This is all mainly tied to modern day book consumption, and the obsession with “tropes”. Online reading communities such as “Booktok” or “Bookstagram” have normalized interpreting even the most complex characters through simple archetypes. This is something all six crows are a victim of, in fact, most characters within all kinds of media are. 

A good example of this within Six of Crows is Kaz Brekker himself. Kaz, within “Booktok”, is often lumped together with several other male YA love interests in books, like Aaron Warner or Cardan Greenbriar . They all usually share very few qualities, like having violent tendencies, being extremely protective of their loved ones, and acting cold or mysterious towards others. Regardless of the fact that all these characters are so complex and different, from their relationship dynamics, to their morals, to their backstories,  readers still often view them as one in the same because of videos online pointing out very minute similarities. A broader example I would use is the way the Hunger Games series was often marketed and discussed as if the love triangle between Peeta, Gale, and Katniss was the main focus of the story. But really it was just a subplot to a more serious and heavy narrative.

People will often focus too much on singular tropes because it makes books easily identifiable and marketable in this new era of self-publishing and online purchasing. It’s easier to judge a book by its cover if you have a broad sense of what might be inside based on the small character details or scenarios other readers liked from it. But what does that have to do with Wylan? 

Well, because people often talk about books or even whole genres on a surface level, they also discuss characters on a surface level. This lazy form of consumption is what often leads to mischaracterization. People can obviously understand complex characters like Wylan, so it’s not a question of intelligence. Fans online are just used to discussing things within books fandoms in such a simple way and viewing a character through the lens of one trope. They’ll put the character in a box, and Wylan just so happens to check all the boxes for a character who would be infantilized. Even though there are interesting things about Wylan besides his “innocence”, people are less inclined to talk about it. In short, viewing Wylan as just another character who falls under the category of a simple stereotype is easier than including and discussing his nuances. 

So who is at fault?

When it comes to talking about a more harmful fandom behavior, like infantilization, it’s important to keep an open mind. Sometimes, it’s the creator’s fault for writing a character in a problematic way, not the fandom’s fault for interpreting it that way. So, is Leigh Bardugo at fault here for writing Wylan in this light? Or is it the fandom’s fault for not looking past the obvious parts of a character? 

I don’t think it was Leigh Bardugo’s fault. If you take the second book, Crooked Kingdom, into account then you can clearly see that the way Wylan is disrespected in the first book is something he’s dealt with his whole life, especially from his father. Wylan has been taught to believe that his reading disability makes him useless as an heir, and as a human being all together. This is one of the reasons why we never see Wylan truly snap back in an aggressive way in Six of Crows when the others insult and belittle him. A big part of Wylan thinks that the others are right about him being useless. Obviously, Wylan couldn’t have had his own POV chapters in Six of Crows, because then that would spoil his father’s true motives. However, I think the fact we didn't get to see his point of view in the first book serves another purpose. Wylan’s low self-esteem is definitely a major thing he needs to overcome in his personal story within Crooked Kingdom. So for the readers to fully understand this, we needed to view Wylan from an outside perspective. First, we get to view him as the other Crows do, as someone sheltered and weak who’s in way over his head. Then, we get to see why Wylan is the way he is. I think this sort of reverse style of character writing is really interesting and more fun to read. But still, not every reader accepted Wylan just because the Crows started to warm up to him. So by extension, this is also why Wylan is one of the most hated Crows. Nevertheless, I think the way Leigh Bardugo chose to write Wylan is inevitable for the story and vital to his character! It wouldn't feel the same if we didn't get to see how the others viewed him first. 

The fault lies with the fandom when it comes to Wylan’s infantilization. But, are people online really just lazy when it comes to discussing characters, or is something bigger at play here? I think it’s both. People do misinterpret Wylan’s strong and resilient character because of laziness and the normalization of oversimplification and overconsumption within the book community. But this treatment is also rooted in subconscious ableism. To better explain what subconscious ableism truly is, I’ll be taking a deeper look at a specific dynamic.

Kaz and Wylan (are not father and son)

Despite these two characters only having a one year age gap, the fandom often views Kaz and Wylan’s relationship as one similar to a father and son dynamic. Which is understandable to a certain degree. Kaz is the very first person Wylan ever told about his reading disability. Kaz had Wylan placed under Dregs protection the minute Wylan set foot in the Barrel, which may have been for Kaz’s own selfish reason, but it still kept Wylan safe for a while. There are a couple scenes in the books where Kaz will give Wylan advice about life in general, or about having a disability, not just about being a criminal. We see Kaz take getting Wylan justice for his mother and stealing back Wylan’s inheritance very seriously. Wylan even starts to pick up some of Kaz’s mannerisms and facial expressions. All of these could be viewed as things a father and son would do, despite how small the actual age gap is. However, the fandom seems to take this relationship to the extreme, from fan fiction and fan art, to getting the characters’ actors involved. 

It’s somewhat because of very minute subconscious ableism. People naturally view Wylan as younger because of his demeanor, but also because of his disability. The opposite is true for Kaz. His physical disability makes people naturally view him as older than seventeen in their minds. This is due to long standing ableist tropes within the media. People with mental disabilities are often depicted as stupider in some way, so they need to be babied or coddled. While people with physical disabilities are often depicted as very ill, or very old. 

This might seem far fetched, but it’s true. And it’s quite obvious if you look closely enough at anything from books, to movies, to TV, to games! These are just some of the harmful stereotypes we see in our world every day, 

How to fix this issue

Now, of course people aren’t just going to stop misinterpreting characters or stop viewing them through small scale tropes all together. But keeping yourself educated and aware is a good way to stop promoting these harmful stereotypes. Listen to the voices that are being affected in these situations! In this case, it’s people with mental or physical disabilities. Be sure to take into account what they have to say on matters like this one. Allow yourself to take the criticism and learn from their experiences or feelings. It’s important to be empathetic and kind to one another, and acknowledge that sometimes we do problematic things without intending to. When talking about characters with disabilities, it’s important to remember what they represent, and the fact that you can't always say whatever you want just because the characters are fictional. 

As always, if you’re ever unsure about whether something you feel or think is harmful towards a certain community, never be afraid to ask questions and do your research!

[marvelandponder]

15Qs and 15As!

Thanks for the tag, Marvel, this sounds fun! Tagging: @smallcrystals, @digikate813, @eddiescorner, and @bevinbrand if she feels like it :) Don't dox yourself on the 'where were you born' question tho, y'all. We're better than that. Are you named after anyone? Two people! My Uncle Stephen and my Nana (maternal grandmother). My brother was named after my dad's high school best friends

When was the last time you cried? I think the last time was a couple weeks ago watching anime. I love a good cry, I've embraced that that's how I express a lot of emotions

Do you have kids? Nope! I'd like to someday, but all in due time.

What sports do you play/have you played? I'm not a team sports kind of girl anymore, but I played soccer as a kid and really enjoyed that.

Do you use sarcasm? Usually only obvious sarcasm. Bevin and I will often use excessively obvious sarcasm with each other to express love. A little linguistic game we play with each other. We never enjoy spending hours and hours on the phone together. So unlike us! Where would you get that idea?

What is the first thing you notice about people? First thing? I feel like my anxiety is charge of that: looking out for how friendly they seem, what they laugh at (if they do), how approachable they might be. I had pretty bad social anxiety disorder from like 14 - 22ish and human beings tend to do the social thing once or twice.

What is your eye color? Hazel! Looks brown but up close you can see there's a lot of green around my pupils, too.

Scary movies or happy endings? My media diet is heavily skewed towards happy endings but every now and then, nothing satisfies like a good tragedy.

Any talents? People know I like the writing thing! I'm also learning to draw now and picking up guitar again for the first time since before uni!

Where were you born? A hospital about... 30 - 40 minutes away from me? I don't live in that city anymore, and haven't since I was 3, but we stayed in the same general province!

Don't dox yourself, folks!

What are your hobbies? Writing, drawing, guitar, going for bike rides or walks. Geeking out by myself or with friends! I'm also starting to learn some German and pick up a few more cooking skills.

Do you have any pets? Nah, wish I did. My living situation doesn't allow for it. But my dad has a dog who I love so much and get to visit! And my sister has two cats who used to live with us that are excellent cuddlers.

How tall are you? Uhhhhh I think 5'11? To use ancient Tumblr Lingo: Tol, not smol

Favorite subject in school? In Elementary - Middle School, it was English, because reading and writing. In high school, Psychology, Legal Studies, Guitars, History, or Writer's Craft

Dream job? Cool question, I'mma over-complicate it! For my career, it's either one of two things: Creative and/or helping people. Add another axis onto that: Stability vs. freedom. I like stability. It helps me feel happy and builds self-esteem to build stuff up. So since most of the creative jobs I'd be down to try have a lack of stability (and often crappy working conditions), I decided to start with stability and helping people! My current job is actually the goal I set for myself to get into in 5 - 10 years. So. Whoops! Got in early! I can't stay beyond this year (covering a mat leave) but wow has it been good experience. And it's cool shit that I like to think supports people in building something good for themselves.

Not a ton of creativity though, and so what's cool about life is that the time horizon isn't just right now, forever. The job I'm in now is a dream job of mine based on the criteria I set out (stable, treats me right, and helps people), but I have other dream jobs I'd like to also try out!

For example: I'd like to become a published author! And I'd also like to learn storyboarding to maybe try being a storyboards artist someday, or some job in animation.

What I like about the job I have now, too, is that I still have enough energy in and around my job to have a life outside of it. So I can build the creative skills that'll lead to cool stuff and opportunities down the line.

Having multiple dream jobs I think is realistic. And just kinda fun to not only achieve one thing, but look forward to what else I can do!

[spheresr4cubes]

Thoughts on the Mario movie

THE PROS

--Stunning animation! I mean, Jesus Mohammad Christ, the lighting?! The facial expressions?! The textures?! The weight of things falling and hitting and cracking?! The translation of 2D side-scroller to 3D world?! J'adore!!

--Genuinely horrific intro to the Darklands. Like, I was actually terrified for Luigi, especially the last shot with the Shy Guys in the castle.

--The world designs! If there's anything Illumination excels at, it's funky little societies, and the Mushroom Kingdom is no exception.

--The Battle with Francis the Dog, not only for the fantastic facial expressions of Francis himself, but for showing off how Mario and Luigi interact when faced with a problem (Luigi holding up a mirror as a shield mirrors [ha] how he protects Mario at the end of the movie). Also, the placement of the opera music over the madness happening when the plumbing goes haywire was *chef's kiss*.

--Hair flippies <3

--"Peaches"

--The voice acting: Charlie Day strikes a very interesting balance between Luigi's game voice and a real person, which makes him feel familiar at the same time as adding depth. And of course, Jack Black sounds like he had a lot of fun as Bowser, and I got chills twice during his lines.

--Existential luma

--Mario and Luigi apparently dress the way they do as a way to brand the look for their new business, and I love that. They feel out-of-place in their world somehow and fit better into the Mushroom Kingdom (which may just be the fact that their designs were meant for that world, but ce la vie, that's how it felt).

--THE HUG. I did not want to see this movie at all until I started hearing people talk about the relationship between Mario and Luigi as actual brothers. I haven't played any of the games with story, so I don't know how the film's take compares, but I do have a little sibling whom I love dearly and would absolutely learn the physics-bending rules and fight the same battles as Mario does if it meant getting my sister back. Does it feel a little fanficky? Sure. But it works.

--Actually, the whole Mario family's dynamics work, and there were so many little details and interactions I caught just on the first watch that build so much character with only a few scenes of dialogue. Mario being athletic before the events of the movie, never knowing when to quit, being defensive about his career choices and how they affect Luigi, who would follow him anywhere; Luigi being the most supportive person, even singing Mario's praises in the face of a big scary monster, never losing hope even when things are looking dire; their parents being more concerned than outright disappointed in their choices, trying to be supportive but missing the mark.

--Speaking of Mario never knowing when to quit and Luigi being a supportive person, no one in this movie really learns anything... and that's okay! The feelings that everyone has about how things should be end up being what keeps them going until the world(s) agree with them. Peach, for example, cares tremendously about the Toads and will do anything to keep them safe, which she does!

--Bowser is actually terrifying! Sure, he has his silly moments, but the badassery absolutely outweighs them. I had no doubt that he would actually commit mass murder, especially toward the end of the movie when the anger from being turned-down really comes out.

--Peach running the obstacle course in heels and a full gown (I have done something similar in a full skirt and bodice, and it was fun to watch on screen).

--FUCKIN TEAMWORK, YA'LL

THE CONS

--How many times do they have to title-drop? After seven, I was really getting tired of it. Like, yes, we know it's the Super Mario Brothers, we are aware.

--Illumination has a brand of comedy, and it is not absent from the movie.

--I'm not too familiar with the lore of anything, much less Donkey Kong, but... he never struck me as the fratboy type?? Like, sure, the dynamic kind of works when he interacts with others, but it felt... off.

--The voice acting. I saw this one coming, honestly, and I think I blame the studios more than the actors (I can't help but have sympathy). Seth Rogan as Donkey Kong felt wrong to me. Same with Cranky Kong, as if something in the voice did not match the character somehow. I'm not sure how to describe it. There were times where the same issue arose with Peach, Mario, and the main Toad as well, like there's a disconnect.

--Lots of very bright colors in both Brooklyn and the Mushroom Kingdom, which softens the blow of actually arriving in another world. I get that this is more of a children's movie, and children love bright colors, but do you know the feeling you got when first seeing Dorothy step out of the sepia-tone house into the technicolor Land of Oz? That feeling was missing here.

--Someone used a lot of the budget on copyrighted songs, and it gets distracting. ("Mr. Blue Sky" is already intrinsically linked with a complete other fandom in my mind, so its addition really threw me out of the story).

OVERALL

The Mario movie was good! I enjoyed it, even with its faults, and I would buy the DVD if only to admire the artistry that went into the animation and screenplay. There were still times I absolutely would have screamed "HELL YEAAAHHH!" had I not been in a public theater.

10/10 visuals

10/10 foley

6/10 voice acting

7/10 plot execution

8/10 characterization

Judgement: Would recommend, even if you don't know lore!

[ichayalovesyou]

I’m asking. Which Pike trait draws you in the most and why? Feel free to talk about more than one.

I think the biggest things are that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He’s vulnerable without sacrificing his professionalism or command of his crew. He’s humble and nurturing, and has an overactive sense of self sacrifice.

There are captains who bottle things up and act as though they have sacrifice making personal connections (beyond what they already have) as the burden of being captain (Picard, Janeway and Burnham come to mind). While other captains are more emotional and friendly but still struggle being honest with themselves (Kirk and Sisko come to mind). He’s the first captain that feels, if not we’ll adjusted, more in tune with taking responsibility for his emotions.

The primary example that I feel sets him apart from the others being that he doesn’t just sit on the fact he saw his own death and let it fester, at least not once he’s back on duty. He tells both people cares about what he thinks will happen that he’s legally allowed to disclose it to. He didn’t have to do that technically because he outranks them, he also goes beyond even that and voiced his concerns in respect to his own command. A lot of other captains would have waited until they made a poor command decision before feeling compelled to talk about that. Somewhat grim “no one dies” speech aside. He’s an open book beyond the call of duty.

Generally, he’s principled but not so stubborn as to ignore his prejudices and shortcomings (see, learning to trust Ash), he’s open minded and uncritical so long as he’s not given reason to not be.

But it’s not just that, another trait I find extremely refreshing that I don’t think any other captain possesses paired with that self awareness that I don’t think even Sisko (the most paternal of captains aside from him) possesses. He has this sort of, aura of nurturing others that transcends familiar labels like father or older brother or teacher.

He doesn’t just deliver the moral of the episode verbally or tell his subordinates what he thinks they should do, he lives and leads by example. He nudges his crew to reach their own conclusions, not his conclusions, and he’s not afraid to tell people when he’s proud or impressed. He makes people around him want to be better because he’s a good guy, not out of exclusively respect or intimidation, he’s inspiring. He’s a captain with the soul of a teacher, no wonder he ends up instructing cadets once he’s promoted to Fleet Captain.

Which leads me to the third thing, he’s got an enthusiasm for his job and for life that is hard earned and proves resilient even after he comes to terms with a future of extreme disability that he will have to learn to adapt to.The final step that he’s already started to inch toward recognizing it not as a death, but a another, more difficult and unprecedented chapter in his life.

He is selfless and principled where other people may have fled. “You’re a Starfleet Captain, you believe in service, sacrifice, compassion, and love.” “I give my life for you you give your life for me, nobody gets left behind.” He even goes so far as to almost refuse to believe there’s another way. Memorizing the names of the kids he saves. He’s almost overly self sacrificing which is genuinely probably one of my favorite character flaws because I relate to it and produces excellent angst (and also whump low key but I’m not gonna get into that *cough cough*).

These are the biggest reasons why I love this guy and I can’t wait to see how Strange New Worlds continues to evolve him and his dynamics with other characters. It could be boiled down to the word humility but there’s so many facets to it that I couldn’t just say only that. Part of me also wants them to pull out the “evil double/possessed by malevolent space entity” stock episode and see his nature inverted and see him be scary kinda like that one Short Treks but worse, I’d eat that up.

[humansun]

MORNING PAGES

Written Thursday, August 3rd, 2023 at 9:06AM

Hi, morning pages. I am very tired. 

Yesterday night my brain was active and I had to flush it out with water, reading, and being productive until 2 in the morning. I reminded myself to not feel shame about it which was nice and now I’m moving forward in life hopeful to readjust my plans and still get my workout in.

The weekend of outing begins and I’m excited, but also nervous for it. I’m not sure if the driver of me wanting to look good at these events are for the right reasons. I wonder if I want to look pretty in order to remind people that I am of value, instead of just knowing that internally. Or maybe I just want to look pretty because I usually don’t put in the work to do that. 

Lots of thoughts. Regardless, I hope the wedding and weekend is fun and drama-free. Even if there is drama, I’m certain it’ll be drama I can handle and move past. Yesterday, taking the time to read the book, take notes, and contemplate briefly on my life was necessary. It’s like I was meant to drink the black tea and stay up to receive the revelations that I did.

I wouldn’t be sitting here writing had it not been for me reading the morning pages chapter and feeling an actual obligation to the book and myself to sit and write. It’s nice letting my brain flow. Also, something I find interesting is that when I seek for help, it seems I’m already doing what is suggested of me. For example, wanting to lose weight was not too difficult of a transition, since I was already doing the work of eating complex carbohydrates.

That’s amazing! Speaking of which, I saw a post yesterday about a vegan influencer who ate straight durian and jackfruit and died yesterday (or recently). That’s scary and makes me want to barf a little, but I think my fruit intake is a pretty normal and regular thing. Going back to the transitions being easier for me because I’m already sort of doing them - same with morning pages! 

I find myself already writing every morning or most mornings I should say, even if it’s a sentence or not very much, I still show up. I realized that showing up is what’s most important in our path to achieve our creative goals. It means arriving at the places we want to be, even if we don’t feel like it or it feels pointless or unnecessary. I’m proud of myself for already consciously taking the steps towards these goals and it makes me even more confident that I’ll survive, thrive, and succeed in this industry.

New topic! I’m going to New York in September and I literally can’t wait. That’s probably the one thing I’ll be looking forward to most this year apart for Christmas. Then after that, it’s just a new year with new tasks and goals to accomplish. Not having money is a real, terrifying thing. I’m constantly wondering of whether I should get a full-time job or if I should just hug the rest of the year out while I wait for grad school applications.

I wonder if I should find a white-collar desk job that has nothing to do with me, just for the money. I feel certain I’d excel in most tasks and can be pretty relentless in my job search, but I worry that working full-time would take me away from everything else I need to worry about especially creatively. To be honest, I’m living in unplanned spontaneity due to my lack of preparation last November.

There isn’t shame in that decision - it’s more of an acknowledgement. I’m merely recognizing that that is what occurred, but I am not mad about that choice. I’m just processing what it is and how it shows up in my life almost a year later. I would need to make a thick pros and cons list for everything I’m considering, but really I’d like a job that would fund all the things I need to afford and a job that does not drive me insane.

However, the likelihoods of me liking the job that makes me a shit ton of cash is low. I wouldn’t know unless I try it, but I have a tendency to get consumed by jobs that ask me for a lot, and suddenly my focus on creativity and taking the time for myself looks much different. I’m not sure if I could survive in the volatility of sales, but I would be happy to use that money to fund my life.

That is a conversation I’m having with myself that’s on hold, since I’m applying to all these programs and hoping one of them takes off. I wouldn’t be in pain if it didn’t take off. I’d accept it, move forward in my life, and probably re-apply, but I’d need something solid that also grants me a good healthcare package.

Jesus! Questions, thoughts, feelings, conflicting emotions, it’s a lot. It’s like planning for New York, but I’m in the beginning stages, because I really don’t know how to start or where to start and I also don’t even want to start. But I am also recognizing that making a plan is what leads to my success and continuing to live life in limbo will not benefit me in the long-term.

The more that I am in this industry and the more I learn about my craft, I still feel I’m moving one step closer towards becoming the person I want to be, even if it doesn’t completely make sense. I’m okay with that. I’m still learning, growing, understanding life, and doing my best. That’s really all anyone could ask for from a human being. I don’t want to spend the rest of this entry talking about my uncertainty in the media industry, so I’ll move on to something that’s been sitting in my heart since yesterday.

I’m sure I mentioned this in the last post but yesterday my mom took the time out of her day, while recovering from surgery, to paint my nails. I thought this was sweet and special, and we definitely did not have the right tools to ensure a nice outcome, but I still appreciated the process nonetheless. She did a cute french tip on my hand nails and both sets of toes. Usually when it comes to these beauty things, I’m pretty picky (I think that’s why I chose to be a filmmaker, because I know I’m kind of picky), but yesterday I was grateful to even have a little piece of my mom on my hands and toes.

She really is the best and I hope today’s doctor appointment goes well. I’m going to be ready for any outcome and I’ll be prepared for what comes next. I was showering yesterday and thought about flying to Maryland for a week or two, since it’s been a while since I visited. I thought about it and felt okay with the fact that if I do go with my mom, it’ll be a lot of staying in the house, taking the same walk I took when I was 13, looking at fireflies out the window, getting bit by mosquitos, going to the same Asian grocery store down the street, having the same kind of conversations, and feeling some of the same emotions I felt when I was staying with my aunt and uncle, etc.

But! Because I feel like I’ve changed significantly since being 21, I am okay with going on this very mundane excursion. I feel like it’d birth new questions I’d ask my aunt and uncle about, it’d make me think a little differently about my life, reflect on who I used to be, and experience a bit of nostalgia. Delirious by Steve Aoki and Kid Ink is a powerful song. This is my new theme song. For life. I’m head banging.

Whoa! It’s also crazy how the rave community is sprinkled a little bit everywhere in my life. I love it! I also love my friends. Friendship is like, the freaking best thing ever. Exploring your sexuality and accepting yourself for it is also the best thing ever. Being human can have some of the most special and amazing experiences, even though times get hard and we hate our lives.

Holy shit! Did I mention I’m seeing Taylor Swift in a week? Yeah, I’m not ready because I didn’t really prep. But I’m happy we got the tickets at base price because I would’ve died having to pay $300 for it. At first, I wasn’t that hyped because I only listened to some of her albums, but I’m learning that going to see an artist is a very thrilling experience and getting to be in a venue with thousands of other people who are just as pumped. It’s going to be a good time. I’m considering making bracelets for it but that seems to be going a bit overboard.

Wow, delirious is over? That song changed my life. There’s something about waking up with unbrushed teeth, feeling a bit delusional and heading straight for my laptop to sit and write about everything that’s on my brain. It really is a brain drain. After this I’ll need to confide in no one since I just aired out all my feelings for the morning. *insert laughter here*

Dude, you know what also really got me while reading that book? The fact that Jean Michel was someone who literally lived a creative life. Like the fact that I’m conscious of my own lack of creativity in my daily life already proves that most of my intentions feel artificial and not authentic to who I really am and how I live my life. Whereas with Jean-Michel literally just thought that way genuinely from when he was born. Like what? I want that.

But we’re different people who lived in different worlds. That’s okay that I don’t have all of these cool skills that legendary artists do because I’m my own person in my own world nad living a completely different life. Speaking of completely different life, my desire to travel to more countries died after coming back from an unusual trip in Vietnam. But it’s reviving in a very different way than it used to be. For a long time after going to Ghana, my eyes on travel were covered by Miley Cyrus’ rose-colored lenses. Now however, my desire for international travel has a different take on it.

What it is if I could dig a little deeper is that I strive to continue to experience the unknowns of the world, whether that is travelling to Mexico like I’ve always wanted or going to Europe. For the longest time I was so anti-Europe, but like, the idea of going to Sicily or really anywhere in Switzerland sounds nice. Okay, actually - if I take the time to understand where this actually comes from, it’s from the new tab backgrounds that populate different nature images daily. That’s probably where the desire to travel to these countries come from.

There is just so much to know about in the world and I really don’t know much at all apart from my own domestic experiences. That while I sleep, Vietnam is across the globe bustling and opening its 5am markets selling all types of goods, fruits, vegetables, and garments that I really wish I could buy more of. It’s fascinating getting to know more incredible people like my friends and new folks who have abundant experiences.

I want to extend the same prayer that I recounted yesterday after meditating at the local park. The prayer being not to a deity, but to myself, that I am lucky and grateful to be living a life that’s so full, colorful, warm, and safe with the best people I’ve ever encountered in my life. I am so lucky to be me, even if that means a flawed, imperfect human that’s always trying. I feel happy to get to eat, live a fruitful life, even if it doesn’t seem like that because all we do as humans is compare our circumstances with the next person.

I personally get to live a life of adventure, experiences, so many first times, and I’m still here today to recount those stories to the people around me. I’m not sure if its a phase or the leftover caffeine but I have no doubt that the life I get to live and am living is beautiful and rich in a million ways. That there is really no regret in how I live my life. Shout out to all my friends because they’re literally the reason. For everything. That’s it. And my family. And everyone who loves and supports me.

There is absolutely no way I won’t have the life I want and deserve because I am in full control of that and knowing me, I’ll make it happen. Whoa! I exceeded three pages in writing? I’m crazy. I’m a beast. I’m badass. Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow or even tonight if I have more brain drain to report. Thank you for reading and thank you for listening.

[solyecom]

Is there a difference between healthy striving for excellence and unhealthy perfectionism?

Introduction: What is the Goal of Striving for Excellence?

Striving for excellence is a never-ending process. It is not about being perfect, but about continuously improving.

The goal of striving for excellence is to always improve and be the best that you can be. It is not about being perfect, it is about continuously improving and being the best possible version of yourself.

Excellence does not have a finish line or a destination in which you can say “now I am done” it is an ongoing process that will always have new challenges to overcome and new goals to reach for.

What Is The Difference Between Striving to Be Excellent And Accepting That You're Not Good At Everything?

We're often told that we should strive to be excellent and accept that we're not good at everything. But what does this really mean?

The difference is in the way you think about your abilities. If you strive to be excellent, then you know that there are some things you're good at and there are some things you're not so good at. You might know that you need help or coaching in order to improve those skills, but you also know your strengths.

If you accept that you're not good at everything, then it means that there are certain things where it's better for someone else to take the lead because they have more expertise than you do - even if they don't have more experience than what's required for the task.

Getting Uncomfortable As A Way To Get Better--How To Be Intentional About Growth

We often hear the phrase “comfort zone” thrown around. But how many of us actually know what it means?

The comfort zone is a place where we feel safe, secure and happy. It’s a place where we can be ourselves and not worry about the outside world. However, it’s also a place where we don’t grow or learn new things. We often stay in our comfort zones because it feels good to be there. But staying in our comfort zones is not what makes us better people or more successful individuals.

There are many ways to get out of our comfort zones and they don't have to be big or scary either! For example, you could try something new like taking up a hobby that you have always wanted to do but never took the time for (like learning how to cook or learning how to dance). You could also try eating at a restaurant that you've never been before, visiting an art

The Simple 3-Step Formula I Used To Earn $5,203.89

Is There A Difference Between Healthy Striving For Excellence And Unhealthy Perfectionism?

Healthy striving for excellence is when you have a goal in mind and you are working towards it without any self-judgment or fear of failure. You are able to get out of your comfort zone and put in the work necessary to achieve your goals. Unhealthy perfectionism is when you have an over-inflated sense of worthiness and an unrealistic expectation of yourself and others. You feel that anything short of perfect is unacceptable, so you're never satisfied with what you do or who you are.

Strive for excellence:

- Set goals that challenge yourself but don't scare you

- Challenge yourself with tasks that push your limits but don't break them

- Keep going even when things get tough

- Be kind to yourself

[heroineimages]

Villainess Showcase: the Unstoppable Melissa Foddebrat

So I’ve been meaning for a few years to offer a writeup on Tapastic’s amazing comic Beware the Villainess. As my longtime readers know, I love a well-written villainess as much as a well-written heroine, and the Lady Melissa Foddebrat is one of my absolute favorites. The story is an official translation of a Korean comic, available on Tapas (with Ink, btw, so it costs money to read). It offers amazing art, a unique story, and an excellent villainess. Discussion below the cut!

(tl,dr/spoiler-free: Melissa has amazing presence and presentation as a villainess. She's not afraid to get in the faces of entitled jerks, her fashion is magnificent, she maintains people's loyalty without resorting to fear or gaslighting, she knows how to project an intimidating demeanor, and she defies the story world’s expectations all over the freaking place. I definitely recommend!)

All screencaps taken from the comic. Story credits:

The basic premise is that the title character is a Korean girl who’s found herself reincarnated as Lady Melissa, the villainess in a romance novel called All the Men that Loved Her. In the novel the heroine, Yuri Elizabeth, is a sweet, gentle fairy-tale princess being pursued by four undeserving men: the handsome crown-prince, the strong-silent-type sniper, the ruggedly handsome werewolf, and the billionaire merchant. Having read the novel, Melissa knows that (1) the story and its heroes are going to disproportionately screw the villainess over, (2) all four of Yuri’s love-interests are slimy, toxic creeps being portrayed as heroes by a misogynist author, and (3) the heroine and villainess both deserve better.

Rather than just letting the story play out, Melissa opts to use her status as villainess to protect both herself and Yuri Elizabeth. All four of the alleged heroes in All the Men that Loved Her represent toxic male archetypes that frequently get portrayed as benign and even lovable in popular fiction. Melissa deserves to be a feminist icon for her drive to combat an entire story world’s worth of gross misogyny.

All of the romantic interests view Yuri as a possession, and none have any sense of consequences for their actions. The handsome crown prince---who is also Melissa’s fiance---is a womanizing cad who cheats on her in kind of a Zeus/Hera relationship dynamic. The sniper is Melissa’s brother who clandestinely follows Yuri around to ‘protect her,’ when he’s actually just a creepy stalker. The werewolf is courageous and ruggedly handsome but is also reckless and stupid with little respect for human life. And the suave, handsome billionaire is a possessive sadist who wants to lock Yuri away and keep her for himself. I love that Melissa makes it her mission to take the bastards down a few pegs.

Nextly, the fashion in Beware the Villainess is absolutely phenomenal. I’ve read dozens, if not hundreds, of webcomics over the years, and I can’t think of any that consistently compare to Melissa’s magnificent wardrobe. She gets striking daily wear, elegant ball gowns, and dapper riding suits---definitely a perk of being a nobleman’s daughter.

And it’s consistently this excellent! I don’t think Melissa owns a single boring outfit. Though hardly the only thing that makes Melissa such a dashing and charismatic villainess, her excellent fashion is definitely an important part of her overall presentation.

I appreciate as well that Melissa maintains people’s loyalty without intimidation or gaslighting. In fact, she genuinely treats people of lower station as human beings. When the sniper and werewolf get in a fight, for example, Melissa revels in the pandemonium at first, but once she realizes that their fight puts innocent bystanders in danger, she stands up to both of them and puts an end to their stupid dogfight.

Similarly, Melissa also befriends her werewolf butler Nine and the heroine Yuri by treating them both as people. Nine is an outcast from his clan and was starving and homeless before Melissa took him in. While her reasons for rescuing Nine off the streets were ultimately kind of self-serving, Melissa is the first to treat him like a person, and she maintains his loyalty by giving him a home and job and showing him his value. Yuri, meanwhile, gets treated as a prize to be won by her four suitors. But by treating Yuri as a friend, Melissa demonstrates to her that she has value beyond being a mere object of others’ affection. Ultimately, this completely turns Yuri off toward her suitors. While I think one can argue that Melissa’s goals aren’t wholly selfless, I feel like she gives every indication she values her friends and servants as individuals.

To her enemies, however, Melissa is a scary monster. Though early on she struggles against the story’s plot and the heroes’ plot-armor, Melissa gradually discovers how to use the story world to her advantage, outwit the male protagonists, and scare the shit out of minor characters.

And I think that’s why Melissa’s enemies and even the story itself are terrified of her: she consistently defies everyone’s expectations of her. Where her past self was dismissed as a bratty noble and the story’s women are expected to be demure, pretty objects, Melissa has only this to say in response:

I adore her character for so many reasons.

She’s defiant,

darkly funny,

dapper,

fearless against some very powerful adversaries,

and even heroic at times.

In fact, I don’t think since Avatar Korra have I seen a character who so consistently flouts the expectations both of her readers and of the world she inhabits. Melissa’s characterization is magnificent, and I applaud the writers and artists for their magnificent work.

Thanks as always for reading, folks! Take care and stay awesome!

[lilyrachelcassidy]

Moonlight

Draco x Reader One-Shot

Summary: This is based off the song ‘Moonlight’ by Ariana Grande. During the bad times of War, not everything has to be so black-and-white. Both Y/N and Draco know it just too well.

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: language 

tags: @drawlfoy @eltanin-malfoy

Composing yourself had been more than a hard thing to ask for lately.

The Death Eater had finally taken Hogwarts under their control; famous Harry Potter, who was allegedly supposed to play a hero, disappeared in the depth of the unknown; the plan of escaping the school turned out to be an utter failure since the Dementors encircled and blocked every passage of absconding, escalating the disappointment over students.

Yet you hadn't thought of the plan B as an alternative solution, but you were sure, even if you managed to find one, it might take a few more months to figure things out. And you had to admit that increasing anxiety about your parents made you cry yourself to sleep at night. Despite your insistent pleads of the letters to contact you, you hadn't received any response or other sign of life ever since over two months of a constant worry.

And yet, it wasn't the worst part.

The Carrows, who unwarrantedly preferred to call themselves professors Carrows from now on, had decided to introduce their new methods of teaching everyone. And punishing for any triviality.

Once, for example, in Charms class -- which was the worst nightmare of a week -- you had been asked to stand up in front of the class and demonstrate a Crucio curse on the First Year who happened to accidentally bump into Alecto in the corridor. Obviously, you hadn't obeyed an imposed task to which Carrows only reacted with unrestrained rage. Instead of punishing the eleven-year-old boy, the lesson had turned out to be your disciplining session of torture for not being submissive enough. Although the feat had brought you more renown later on, which served to make Carrows more flustered, you still couldn't get out of the Hospital Wing for whole three days.

All of that also led your Occulumency to suffer, which was doubling the struggle. There was for sure no doubt it was an important skill to have, not only to create a mental barrier protecting yourself from uninvited intruders; but also preventing others' thoughts from leaking into your head. It was already enough of bearing the non-stopping suspense in the air. So, the idea of accumulating more emotions on your account would probably navigate to an outburst.  

One thing, however, surprised you. You had found out that people who outwardly seemed to have quite a reputation of cruel tossers were actually more decent and human than you could think. In particular, certain Draco Malfoy, who had been selected as a Head Boy in terms of this year.

Wandering around the school and doing the night patrols, he had happened to find you sitting hunched over, face buried in your knees, and sobbing brokenly at the fate the Wizarding World was faced to deal with. He had flumped next to you, without question, silently accompanying and comforting you in moments of solitude.

Two other times of your encounter had been in the library: spotting you among the crowd of students, he would come over and take a nearby place. You didn't know whether it was a matter of pride or disposition, but he had never spoken up, which you, in fact, didn't mind. At first, you had been a little bit dubious about his sudden influx of approachability. However, as to mute your suspicions down, you tried not pondering about it too much.

Funny, how the real nature of the boy who you had known for a nonchalant sneer and teasing remarks, could suddenly become so interesting and mysterious.

It was on a Thursday late that you were strolling up to The Astronomy Tower to see the Thestrals soaring in the air. Normally, it was around the time when you would be putting yourself to the bed, but too many thoughts were buzzing in your mind, and you knew it wouldn't give you much space to sleep anyways. The only optimum, instead of staring aimlessly at the ceiling and flipping from one to the other side of the mattress, was busying yourself with something else. The lack of sleep was due to nothing else than today's lesson with Carrows. They had thought up an idea of having some practice with a Confrigo spell which, rather unfortunately, was presented on a living phantom. As always, a whole hour of torments was disastrous, to say at least, and even after classes, you couldn't shake off the echo of troubled screams and beggings, which carried over the petrified room of students. That's why you were thinking you could swallow your emotions down, quietly and undisturbedly, in the only place you could wish for some private space. Besides, it was the only spot resembling the old Hogwarts you had known from the previous years, showing the calming extent of green grounds.

However to your surprise, when you pushed the door to The Astronomy Tower, noiselessly, you could notice a silhouette of a man already standing at the barrier, which made you momentarily flabbergasted suddenly considering an option of running upon a teacher. To save yourself from much too unwanted detention, you decided to change your track, rushing straight into your dormitory. But almost as you succeeded doing so, in the last moment, a person shifted in their place and spoke up before you had room to move.

"Pretty late for a casual stroll, huh?" At once, a feeling of dread ebbed away, and you exhaled deeply air you didn't know you were holding as you recognized none other than Draco with his back turned towards you. His tone was as usually taunting, but something in a timbre of sadness was hitched to it as well. "Shouldn't be sneaking out of the room on the patroling hours, you know? I'm the least of who you could come upon today."

Your dignity told you to say something in order to defend your harmless saunter to calm down your nerves, which benefited only your mental account. However, he made a point -- you could have been caught not only by some random teacher but Currows themselves who, you were inexorably aware, wouldn't let a chance of dehumanizing others slip away. And besides, you were a little too dumbstruck to speak, realizing it must be the first time Draco fucking prince Malfoy had uttered more than a word to you. What was a coincidence of meeting up with him just on the same day as you had been wondering about your atypical relationship formed within this school year?

Before your contemplation ended, Draco's voice carried on with a conversation, echoing off the walls. "Care to join? Seeing as you're already here."

Frowning to yourself at how surreal the situation can become, you stepped off the stairs with no more hesitation. You truly wouldn't have suspected the things would turn out that way -- embracing his Head Boy position, you thought he would send you off back to the Hufflepuff Tower with his dismissive attitude as it usually was. Inviting you over to company him was a top cherry you hadn't even considered. Truthfully, it made you feel a little thrilled to accept this offer.

As you walked over to him, his facial features became much sharper than from afar. Now, as you looked at him closely, you could define the contours of his face were even more angelic yet still masculine than in daily light. The platonic hair glinted accordingly to the moon above; his blue eyes were focused on a black void in the sky, clearly pondering more than concentrating on a particular object; a mouth pursed into a line, not a mocking expression he was usually carrying himself with. Eyeing him like that and still not being capable of deciphering him suggested he must be someone between a completely unemotional git or an excellent master of Occulumency. You preferred to presume the second one.

Quickly, realizing you were staring, you turned your head to behold a collection of vivid stars hovering above your head. You knew it was only in the Wizarding World that sky flickered so brightly -- your father was a muggle, and a whole family dwelled among a non-magical society, which you didn't mind at all. And that's why you were able to recognize... differences existing between those two worlds.

"Why are you here?" you asked curiously, not quite capable of restraining yourself from doing so. You were standing close enough to him to smell his sandalwood cologne.

He gave you a perfunctory smile, and although it was a three-second gesture, it somehow made you lighter on the chest to know he was convenient with a conversation. "Needed someplace to think," he explained, not darting his eyes away from where he was looking. He took a pause there. "You?"

"The same reason," you answered simply, shrugging. "My roommates can be too loud sometimes, and I needed some silence to sort out...stuff."

Draco nodded in understanding, not interfering any further into the topic. Brushing your hair habitually with fingers, you scolded yourself for coming up here in the first place. How could you act so irresponsibly to think you could smoothly break a regulations' rule and without anyone finding out? Although you were desperate to hide it, the presence of Draco made you inexplicably nervous, and even though you tried to gulp it down, your stomach was churning when he was around. Time proved his intentions weren't bad after all, and you confronted with the truth ever since he first happened to find you at the moment of your meltdown in the corridor, clutching to him as if he was your sanity. But that didn't dispel your doubts about him becoming a fully active Death Eater, who praised with a Dark Mark on the left forearm like with a reward for some kind of acrobatic stunt.

Your gaze swept briefly over the rolled-up sleeves of his snow-white shirt only to assure yourself the mark didn't disappear off his arm with some help of the power of your imagination. Yet it was still there -- as always, tinted coal-black, scary and blood-curdling every time you looked at it.

That evidently didn't escape Draco's notice who, as though reading your mind, started. "You know, I didn't want this." He didn't have to show what he meant by saying so because you instantly figured it out. You looked up at him, and almost invisibly, his skin pale as it already was, changed even to the whiter shade. "He has bait on me. All of this: assassinating Dumbledore; obeying his will -- it's not because I want that."

The sudden shock welled up at these words, and you gawked at him stupidly, not quite able to process what he had just told you. Swallowing with some difficulty, you coerced yourself to a mutter. "Why... why are you telling me this?"

For the first time this night, his steely stare landed at you, scanning your face to detect signs of emotion. You attempted to conceal it, but he could see you were thunderstruck by his unexpected confession. Without preamble, he smiled slightly at you. "I thought you ought to know."

Ignoring the clenching in your chest, you did your best to not break eye contact with Draco when his eyes were intently locked on yours now. You could swear, something on the verge of interest and sympathy flickered in them for a second. "Why?"

"Because you're the only person who doesn't freak out when I'm around," he explained carefully. "Every time I go to the library or appear in any other public place, you're the only one who doesn't glare."

He closed his eyes, clearly relived with the fact he could confide the worries he had been carrying for a long time. Breathing out through the nose and his lips flinching a little, his head spun again to the blank of the sky.

It was a depressing sight to see him in such dejection, and the images of him being cast aside by his former group of friends with who he had been laughing merely a year ago rolled into your head, try as might to suppress it. You could only imagine what it must feel like to be rejected by everyone around; to play the main role in something you never wished to participate in.

For a moment, you thought he was going to continue because he grunted enigmatically, but the silence remained. Unable to restrain the urge to offer physical comfort, you affectionately grabbed his palm, squeezing it in the reassurance that you were there for him. He didn't attempt to break himself out of the grip, which presumably was a good indication.

"I believe you," you stated, for some reason, satisfied with the fact you're the one to comfort him. "You are a good person, Draco."

This time, it was he who clasped your hand, and he glimpsed at you once more, towering over you with his long legs. "No. In the past, things happened, and to say, I'm not proud of them. Jeering, mocking, insulting -- that wasn't fa-."

"Past is a past, Draco," you cut him off, knowing where it all was leading, and you wanted to bring it to an abrupt end. It was the least adequate moment for apologies. "You can't fix it. Good that you understand your mistakes by now."

He hummed in comprehension, smiling, and his grasp tightened around your palm as if you were about to run off from him, which he couldn't be more wrong about. Admitting to yourself, you loved his smile -- though it was seldom, it much differed from a smirk you were accustomed to at that point -- and you secretly hoped he could do it more often. You also loved that even if he didn't talk much, he was very successful in lifting you up.

Therefore, there you were: standing arm-to-arm with your ex-bully who you had happened to run across; observing the moon in its full exposure; holding hands in reassurance. Both of you clearly enjoyed this gratifying moment and were lingering towards it not to end.

"Thank you," Draco finally choked out. "Thank you for...everything."

Ultimately, smashing the wall of uncertainty down, he wrapped his arms around your neck, hunching a little to adjust to your height, and buried his face in the crook of your neck. At first, your body stiffened at the sudden touch and a skip of the boundary, but as not to agitate him, you adapted yourself soon enough by reciprocating the hug. You started to rub the slow, steady circles on his back, and little by little, he began stroking your hair, softly grazing your scalp.

How long you stood clinging to each other like this, you didn't know. Hearing Draco sigh quietly, feel the rise and fall of it against your hands. Your heart sunk when you heard him breathe out, and you prepared yourself for him to mix out of the embrace because of sudden consciousness he was cuddling with a half-blood Hufflepuff he had been mocking for half of a decade ('I should get going'; 'I didn't mean what I said earlier; 'leave me be, Y/S'). But none of this happened, and he was only murmuring into your ear.

"I presume I should escort you to the dormitory. I could tell you were the whole time with me so no one would get any suspicion if we run into...anyone," he offered, yet you felt him almost grimacing at the thought of ending a moment you were two having.

"Mhm..." you agreed with no more opposition. "But let's give it one more minute."

____________

A/N: This is so typical of me to do something other than what's necessary lmao ;) The second chapter of Summer Nights is almost up if anyone interested. As I think of it now, this one-shot gives me such a vibe of Loud Places/Turn. However, I hope you enjoyed it :) Oh, and I'm explaining the sudden change of schedule with posting: 1. I'm very irresposible; 2. I got the super inspo to scribble this one-shot. Hah, sorry...

[dropsofletters]

enter for yes, delete for no [wkh]

—summary: “social science is easy. watch me get an ‘a’ on this class”, said wong kunhang, two weeks before failing his first social science test…and horribly.

in light of his new college class making him feel dumber than he really is, and trying to make it through one of his worst economical states ever by balancing three jobs at the same time, kunhang almost loses it when the professor announces that they have to work in trios and make a social science project that is worth 60% of his grade.

great.

now, he’s fucked.

with yukhei by his side, whose eyes divert from the book to scan the library and search for his next love affair, and dejun, who never wanted to be part of his major to start with, he’s left alone with the weight of getting a good grade…

until yukhei’s almost-always silent roommate gives him the idea of the century: a blog. an anonymous blog where he can solve people’s issues. he can do that!

only when he starts to receive submissions from a certain woman does he realize how wrong he was.

—title: enter for yes, delete for no —pairing: wong kunhang x reader —genre: college!au ; strangers to friends to lovers!au ; secret admirer!au ; roommate!au ; unrequited love-ish!au ; slowburn —type: fluff ; angst ; drama ; humor ; suggestive ; crack-ish —word count: around 19k words.

Kunhang thought that when getting into the political sciences major, he would only have to follow through with what he learned in the debate club back in high school. Tight smile, straight shoulders and a good ear for picking up on what people say.

The pamphlet that he read when opting for the college to attend to had never said that he had to have an entire class dedicated to social science. Knowing people, as human beings, individuals that feel and think, sometimes not as rationally as they should, shouldn’t be considered science. Chromosomes and genes? Sure, that’s science. Whatever the hell veterinarians study about dogs and cats? That’s science, too. Experiments based on how people react in social environments?

It’s dumb.

So dumb that Kunhang pushed the fabric of his gray hoodie on his black hair when leaning back on his seat when he attended the first class of social science in his sophomore year of college. The professor, Mr. Sam, sported his tidy and a little-too-small olive-green suit when he spoke to the class and Kunhang turned to look at Yukhei’s horrified expression with a smile on his face.

“Social science is easy,” He started, leaning forward on his seat before tapping his pencil against the wood of his desk. Yukhei scoffed at his words, a beam of his own taking place on his face because Kunhang has his moments of being too overconfident, and that coming from Wong Yukhei? It was grand. “Watch me get an ‘A’ on this class.”

Dejun sighed from his spot, the long and brown strands of his hair moving with the warm air that left his lips as he continued to scribble down some notes with as much furiousness as he could muster. “It’s not as easy.”

Humming, the tallest agreed. “I can finally say Dejun is right about something.”

The glare that Dejun threw to his friends was worthy of a picture, but Kunhang was the worst of them all, crossing his arms behind his back as he stared at the PowerPoint presentation with little to no interest.

“What’s so difficult about science that is based on people just talking to each other? I’ll get an A. Without studying, even.”

No one told him then, when he had spent most of his time studying for other classes and working his three jobs, that social science with Mr. Sam was a nightmare. Even a demon seen through sleep paralysis could be less scary that the beam the professor wore the day he decided to publish the grades of the first test of the class, delivering the pieces of paper one by one on top of his student’s desks.

Kunhang’s soft fingertips touch the surface of his test, turning it around and expecting to see—at the very least—a ninety-eight out of a hundred. Though, his chestnut eyes widen fractions that couldn’t even be measured when he sees his real grade.

“I had a laugh, Mr. Wong, dare I admit.” Mr. Sam says from his position next to him, fixing the rounded glasses that rest on the crooked base of his nose. The chuckle that leaves his lips annoys Kunhang to bits, taking in a breath. He can’t finish this class if he kills the professor, right? “One would think with how much you talk; you’d know more about social sciences…but that’s all you are, aren’t you?” The class falls silent, the student munching on his bottom lip to muffle the curses that threaten to leave his lips. “All talk won’t work for my class. Do better.”

With that, he hears a few muffled whispers and laughs around the class. Excellence was nitpicked in this exam, tainting his ego even further when he looks over his shoulder to see Yukhei’s grade.

“You got a seventy-two?!” Kunhang exclaims in a whisper, taking Yukhei’s test in between his hands.

Yukhei runs his fingers through his recently bleached blonde locks before shrugging. “I kind of had a date last weekend and she had passed this class. I was in her dorm and she repaid me with her notes from last semester.” The smugness in his voice has Dejun rolling his sharp eyes.

“Repay you for what, exactly?” Dejun questions, voice piercing, but Kunhang is not even half interested in the argument ensuing, mind roaming the sceneries of insecurity, jealousy, hatred…perhaps at himself or at this ridiculing teacher.

“I’m not allowed to say.” Yukhei replies, leaning on his desk towards Dejun, making sure to wink at him. “But I’m allowed to show you, if you’d like, bro.”

“Gross.”

Kunhang cuts through the conversation easily enough, not quite catching up with the bantering ways that surround the friend group. “How much did you get, Dejun?”

With that, the man whose drained ways have started to show on his deep eye-bags and the amount of time he spends studying, finally smiles. “I got a 99.”

And Kunhang got a 24. Fucking great.

In the scale of dumbasses, he’s right at the bottom. Even under the guys who copy and paste Google quotes on their social medias and get offended when someone calls them out because that quote is definitely not theirs, as they pride themselves in.

“No fucking way!” Kunhang lets out, his hand grasping Dejun’s test before he feels Yukhei’s breath ghosting over his shoulder.

“Who the fuck is Oaix Nujed?” The question almost seems to hold the answer to life in the way Yukhei spits it out, but it’s easy to catch up on what Yukhei didn’t understand at the time.

Kunhang turns the test around, Dejun’s alter-ego (eh-hem, Oaix Nujed) long forgotten and replaced for his real name. And his grade that stands in sixty-six.

“Shit,” Yukhei curses just as Dejun’s face pales, his thick eyebrows furrowed when he takes the test in between his hands. “I got the best grade out of all of us?!”

This can’t be.

N0. No. No.

Kunhang is certain he answered everything with a bit of logic. He read some here and there, that should be enough to pass a test. He’s sure Yukhei couldn’t do magic tricks with the notes his latest love affair gave him—

Mr. Sam stands in front of the class, his salt and pepper hair pushed to the front of his bald head to hide what is utterly obvious. He purses his lips when he fixes his jacket and speaks to the class. “The test was horrid. I even started to wonder how you made it to your sophomore year.” Well, Kunhang knows the answer. Hard work, paying taxes when it’s due, and with a lot of frustration. Example one, this moment. “So, to help you out, I’m going to reduce the percentage of value of the tests. I want you to familiarize yourself with the importance of social science, much more in the major you find yourselves in.” He breathes out, sitting at the edge of his desk. “I want a project. A social science project. Show me how people react when having relationships with other—friendships, enemies, whatever it is that interests you. With a basement of a hypothesis already done, of course. I don’t want anything from Freud because…it’s too simple. I need you to perfect it as if it was your thesis and I want it for the end of the class. Three months from now, that is.”

Okay, so he has a chance. He just has to think of a project that is not based on Freud and that shows the importance of society and their unions. If people went through this class and they didn’t die in the process, he could do it.

Right?

“I want it to be in trios and for you to show three different perspectives. You apply the same experiment but you have different thoughts about it. Conclusions, let’s call it.”

One of the girls in the class, with vibrant red hair and a black turtleneck, raises her hand in the air. “What if our conclusions are the same?”

“They can’t be.” Mr. Sam shrugs. “It’s social science. We don’t all enjoy the same relationships or friendships in one way or with just one group of people. Let’s say, if I see one word that is similar, I won’t even read the project. It’ll be a zero.”

Dejun clears his throat when he asks for the professor’s attention. “Will we be picking our groups or will you—?”

Mr. Sam interrupts him before he could continue, typical of him. His intelligence dares barricade his humongous ego. “I’ll let you guys work with whoever you want,” He fixes his folders and places them inside his backpack before chuckling softly. “I’m assuming Dummy, Dumb and Dumber are going to work together. Is that what this is all about?”

His nostrils expand the slightest when he presses his lips in a tight line. His mother has taught him how to respect elders, but if Mr. Sam just casually slipped and went down the flight of stairs in their building, with a car coincidentally passing over his face and killing him in the process…it may just not make him sad.

Yukhei whispers in the slightest deep vibrato. “Well, that’s new. Now, I’m Dummy. Normally, Dejun is—”

“I’m not Dummy, Dumb or Dumber.” Dejun shakes his head, on the verge of snapping at Yukhei. Well, he already did. “This man is just crazy.”

Kunhang nods at his words. “We agree on something, pal.”

“You know what? Yes. He’s a bit crazy.” Yukhei admits, placing his hand on top of Kunhang’s desk, the separation between Dejun and himself. “But I know a lot of people who had this class with him. From our major and other majors. It’s going to be fine. I still have those girl’s notes and my roommate is extra good at this kind of thing. She’ll help us out.”

Ambition fills his lungs when he hums along to Yukhei’s words. “I think Kun can help us, too.” Remembering the guy he works with, recently graduated, he taps his fingers against the desk. “We’re not going to let this man grade us that badly again. I don’t care how we’re doing it, but we’re getting a hundred on that project and he’ll have to suck my dick if he doesn’t give me that grade.”

“Oh man,” Yukhei says, laughter following his statement. “Kunhang is, for real, angry. He never talks about getting his dick sucked and now he wants Mr. Sam to do it for him.” Clasping his hands in front of him, he chuckles when Kunhang slaps the back of his head. “Aw, that’s so cute. Celibate and all, you’re a cutie.”

“Democratic vote to kick Yukhei out of our group.” Kunhang states, raising his hand at the same time that Dejun does, only to have Yukhei’s smile dissipating.

Well, at least he has his friends while going through this hell, scalding him with disappointment.

“You’re just jealous I’m Dummy.”

###

Four in the morning and Kunhang is already slipping into a cold shower. By six, he’s already out of the door and towards his first job of the day. With an apron wrapped around his waist, he serves coffees to people who dare say they are sleep deprived, but his eyes almost feel like they glue together from his hard work.

He’s out of there by eleven, with his feet moving incessantly on his bicycle to get to his first set of classes. Schedule arranged to take up his college courses from twelve in the afternoon and four, he gets out of his classes with homework to fulfill and another job to take care of.

By five, he waters Mrs. Ling’s plants. Makes sure to sings a tune to them or talk in order to get extra points with the older woman, who smiles at him when he gets out of the door only thirty minutes later. Once again, Kunhang finds himself in his bicycle and he rushes over to the restaurant he works in from six to nine at night. That’s where Kun is a dishwasher, just like him, trying to meet ends before he finds his first real job.

Just when he’s out, he gets enough time to study and do homework. Surprise, surprise, it’s never enough. He’s dozing off by twelve, working through his projects with expertise before he repeats the cycle again. Four hours of sleep, three jobs, classes, tests, sophomore year and a social life, if it’s after nine at night.

Three months is not enough time for him to think about a project, let alone work on it. Dejun has a job of his own—though, he takes care of children on his free time—and he’s as studious as he can get, but Kunhang just can’t play the asshole card and let all responsibilities fall on his shoulders. The thought makes him rub on the dishes with more force, his uniform splashed by droplets of water.

Yukhei could think about it—he’s got enough wit to do something, but he’s not as good in redacting something. His big eyes can stare into a Word document and not think about anything for hours. He could be in charge of tracking, excel sheets and graphics, but writing is just a big no.

If Dejun hasn’t had an idea in two weeks, as he said earlier when he saw him in class, he’s sure Yukhei doesn’t either.

And he sure as hell hasn’t had any time to think about it either.

With a pleading tone and jazz music in the background, his thin lips wrap around every edge of his words, his black hair falling across his slim face while he expresses his worries to Kun. Said man is more relaxed, not thinking about studying anymore but with a permanent frown when being denied the opportunity of trying by the real world. His degree dusts itself off in his apartment while he waits for a chance.

“I need you to give me an idea so I can develop it.”

Responsible lines of upright nature join and thread to make Kun’s shell. He raises one eyebrow, shaking his head when he chuckles softly. “No.”

Think of the pain of stepping on four Lego pieces at the same time. Yeah, that wouldn’t even compare to what Kunhang feels right at this moment. “Dude, don’t be an ass. I really have no idea what to do and my tests are going horribly—”

Kun sighs deeply, leaning his taut waist against the edge of the counter near the dishwasher. “It’s s0cial sciences, Kunhang. If I help you out, there is nothing that you will learn. You need to learn the root of social archetypes and correlations to be able to get a nice grade, and you won’t do that if I just help you.”

Alright, so, maybe, Kunhang is physically and mentally drained. He manages to be good in other classes—studies in between the times he has free and gives up his social life on the slightest bit just to be able to meet ends, but failing a class is something he can’t give himself the benefit of. He’s tight on money, and his face won’t be tranquil enough to tell his mom that he failed.

“I’m just asking you to give me an idea for the project,” Kunhang tries to convince the older man. “You didn’t have a class with this asshole. He’s gone through four divorces, man. Not a single woman can stand his faulty, stupid ass and that’s factual.”

Blinking, even his coworker seems surprised. The truth is…Mr. Sam is entire textbook-based. If he sees a comma, he wants you to write that comma on the test. Logic aside, he wants investigations, hypothesis, an entire project written on your test without a single ounce of your train of thoughts. Or, if you mask it as such, it has to be quoted from someone else. It’s tiring.

Yukhei is a memory learner. If he repeats words for a long period of time, he will learn them, a bit out of order, but his mind is skillful enough for that. Maybe, that’s why he does so great in this class.

“I just…I don’t know, man. I want you to feel the gratitude of doing this on your own.” Kun spits out, only to have Kunhang scoffing.

“I just want to pass.” Swatting his hands to watch the droplets of water fall away from them, cold in the freezing kitchen, he sighs. “I don’t care about learning because that man leaves no room for learning. He thinks he’s it. He’s worthy of writing a hundred textbooks because he’s that smart.”

“I can give you some textbooks, but I really don’t have the time to sit down and think about an idea. Sorry.” He can’t blame him, but somehow, he does. His options are running short and Yukhei, the star of the class, still hasn’t had his grand idea. Kun’s plate—metaphorically speaking, the plates are clean in this restaurant—is filled with a little too much stress right at this moment, and Kunhang can’t just beg him to go back to the pressure that comes from college projects. “I’ll bring them to you tomorrow. I know how packed your schedule is.”

He has no fucking idea. His body giving up on him, his knuckles almost become white when he leans his weight forward and grasps the edge of the counter in between his hands. A tired breath accompanies his dizzy mind, migraine thumping at the back of his eyelids. At the verge of giving up, he bites down on his lip, nodding once and returning to his positive ways.

Yukhei’s roommate is his only option.

###

Truth be told, the only good thing about working three jobs and having an apartment of his own, is that the money is worth it. He doesn’t have to deal with someone’s noise, one-night stands and the horrid walks of shame, and he definitely doesn’t have to hear one of his best friends screaming at the top of his lungs as he plays videogames and completely ignores the assignment at hand.

Sure, ten at night is not exactly the perfect moment to work on a project, but it’s the only time Kunhang has had free and he studied ahead of this Friday night just to be able to be here, at Yukhei’s place. Yangyang, one of Yukhei’s roommates, is playing around with the blender at the kitchen, making God-knows-what for the past fifteen minutes, stopping his ministrations to try the concoction before going back to the awful noise again. In any other occasion, Kunhang would have played along, nodded along to the beat of Yangyang’s dubstep blending…

Yet, for the first time in twenty-one years, Kunhang can say one thing…

He’s more stressed than Dejun.

Dejun flips one page to continue reading his textbook, his hair done a mess and his lips forever closed as he stares between his notes and one of the books Kun lent them. Still, not an idea has ensued. Maybe, he can blame it on the fact that Dejun’s girlfriend had just called him and created a scene out of him not being with her on a Friday night, jealousy pouring from her every word and Dejun’s eyebrows forever petrified in a frown growing even deeper.

None of the trio are on it today.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Yukhei curses, moving his controller to one side as his big eyes concentrate on the screen. “Babe, could you help me over here? I’m about to get killed.”

Oh, so that’s why. Kunhang could almost chuckle at that moment, had it not been for his comfortable position on the couch next to Yukhei, with one leg resting on the armrest and his eyes trained on a textbook he doesn’t give two shits about. Yukhei has completely forgotten about social sciences girl and now he’s with a gamer girl. From the faint distance, he hears a light giggle and a sweet tone.

This is definitely going nowhere.

“Found anything, Dejun?” Kunhang asks, finally straightening his back to hear every bone crack into place. When is the last time he took a nap and rested his back properly? He’s not sure.

Absentmindedly, the man’s brown eyes claim Kunhang’s attention, barely even there when he hums. “Not really. Kun’s textbooks are fine, but I asked around the class to see what topics people have picked and they’re all written down here. We need to come up with something else.”

Great. Now they’re behind everyone. “Alright,” Growing tired of waiting, Kunhang stands up, throwing his oversized bomber jacket on top of his white t-shirt, paired with comfortable basketball shorts and sneakers. “Yukhei.”

No answer.

“Yukhei!” Kunhang says louder, though Yukhei is still very much playing around with his PlayStation. Patience running low, he takes the headphones away from Yukhei’s ears, putting them around his head before speaking. “Listen, I know he looks cute in his profile picture and that you may think he’s the biggest catch in the world, but I really need you to stop flirting with him for two seconds so I can have him put, at least, a grain of knowledge into this project we’re making. It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s Wong Yukhei and his dick that keeps slipping out of his pants. I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“Hey!” Never had he heard Yukhei’s low voice grow so high, pausing his game to stand up and place his hands on his hips. “Don’t talk to GameOn187 like that.”

“Oh, GameOn187 doesn’t mind the slightest bit.” Kunhang crosses his arms across his chest, laughing at Yukhei’s antics. Okay, he was angry one second ago, but seeing Yukhei be so serious about someone he doesn’t even know the name of is hilarious. “Where’s your roommate?”

With that, worry grows on the man’s face, grasping his phone in between his hands and frowning at the time. “She told me she was outside fifteen minutes ago. She must’ve come back from her date by now.”

His stomach churns, twists in worry when he takes Yukhei’s keys in between his fingers and speaks over the noise of the game and the blender. “I’m going to look for her.”

“Do you need me to go with you?” Yukhei could fall in love as easily as he grew in high school, but that doesn’t mean his care and attention doesn’t go to his best friend and roommate.

With the starry night, blinding street lights and the college students drinking around the building in this Friday night, he’s sure he won’t need accompaniment. “I’ll be fine. I—I just need to look for her, get her home and make sure she helps us out.”

That’s how the cold night bites at the skin of his calves, long hair sweeping away from his face to showcase his worried eyes. Yukhei’s roommate may not be his closest friend, but glimpses of her in high school come back to his brain. Sweet, shy, a bit soft. The change happened when she suddenly grew dull, strong, collected and silent by the time college came around. Never had they connected on a level deeper than a few conversations and their shared interest for Yukhei’s wellbeing.

But he knows that not appearing for fifteen minutes after instructing she was outside is not a good thing. He greets some of the English majors by the entrance, drinking from bottles of beer with electric cigarettes dangling from their lips, but that doesn’t take his attention away from the quickened movement of his legs as he screams out her name.

Heart racing, eyebrows scrunched and eyes set everywhere and anywhere, he’s midway through the entrance, almost towards the street when he sees her. Leaning against the brick walls of the apartment complex for students, her back bent as her date relishes on kissing her like a madman, hungry for more of her. His hands go up and down her back, opening and closing when he leans his abdomen forward and pushes her more into the wall.

With how into it the taller man with a slim waist and buff arms is, Kunhang almost wants to look away.

Though, then he sees her. Her lips are moving, softly, delicately, not quite catching up to what her date is doing, taking more of her as if she owes it to him. Thus, her eyes are opened, lifelessly staring at the man with confusion, as if trying to understand the situation she’s in. Her hands rest on his shoulders, halfway through pushing him away or tugging him closer. Confusion and tenderness bathes over her features, clearly giving him a sign that she may not understand but he does.

She’s not into the kiss.

So, he calls out her name, loud and clear, powerful enough to make the man kissing her pull away from her, a scaredy cat in the making. She rubs her mouth with the back of her hand, the saliva glistening against her lips almost making him laugh.

Well, that doesn’t seem like a good kiss.

“We were looking for you.” Kunhang says, voice tranquil, barely jutting his chin towards her date as a greeting before trailing her eyes over her worried expression. “Yukhei and I. Want to come home now?”

Her date opens his thick lips to say something, his hipster hairstyle—shaved by the sides, sleeked back by gel—touched by the wind when she presses a hand to his taut chest. “Sorry, Leo, I think you should go.”

The man looks at her with the gaze of a man who wants something more and maybe, he’ll beg for it just to get a taste of her. “Want to take me to my car, then?”

She looks into his eyes, doubting, staring at the car with little to no longing before shaking her head. “I have to study.” Her excuse is as clear as day, but Kunhang doubts the asshole by her side even notices her reactions. If he couldn’t tell she wasn’t into that horrible kiss, then he’s not perceptive at all. “Text me once you get home, alright?”

The buff man quirks an eyebrow towards Kunhang, moving backwards as he gets the keys of his expensive car out. “I don’t think I caught your name.”

“I didn’t tell you.” Kunhang answers, shrugging his shoulders when she moves to his side. For some reason, he can’t understand how someone as beautiful as her could go for the most simplistic man out there. Like everyone else in college, if not worse. And dumb, at that. “…It’s Kunhang.”

“Take care of my girl, will you?”

Scoffing, Kunhang chuckles soon after. “I think she can take care of herself perfectly well.” And he does, her change of character had only made her stronger, more reliable, though glimpses of that shy student he once knew in high school existed within her.

By the time the man’s car parked off and weaved through the streets in a rushed manner, Kunhang turns to look at her, resting his hand in between her shoulder blades to move her forward.

She walks alongside him, cladded in some beige shorts, a tight black shirt and a dark denim jacket. Unlike what she wears on most occasions, with boots tall enough to be killing her, but it’s a change of style. Glimmering beauty making him have a second take before smiling to himself.

“You weren’t into that kiss at all, were you?”

That question has her licking her bottom lip, the street lights casting down on her features before she shrugs. “Make outs should feel a bit disgusting, don’t they?” The question at the end lets him know about her insecurity, shoes dragging across the flooring. “I mean, it’s a mess of tongues against tongues and teeth and sucking and biting. That’s…meant to be gross at some point.”

Disagreeing completely, he shakes his head, resting his cold fingertips inside the pockets of his jacket before sighing. “Take a seat,” Upon seeing a set of stairs that leads to the entrance, the two of them sit on the concrete, eyes staring at the road ahead of them. Silent, until Kunhang speaks up again. “Kisses aren’t meant to feel gross. At all. If you are really into someone, it’s going to feel…sweet, you won’t even have to think about opening your eyes because you’re too entranced in the moment.”

Her cheekbones lift up when she smiles at him, resting her hand on her palm, elbow resting on her knees. “I didn’t open my eyes because of t—that…” Once again, she’s looking for excuses, blinking rapidly in the process. “I, shit, I can’t believe you saw me make out with someone.”

“Leo.” Kunhang corrects. “Why did Leo make you open your eyes, according to you?”

A sigh leaves her lips. “I guess I wanted to see how he looked like when he kissed me. I don’t know.” She replies, growing raged by her own answer. She drops her hands on her lap, looking down at them.

That’s not unusual. Some people just want to see how the other person looks like, but by the way they kissed each other with so much difference in approach, Kunhang could guess two things. It was one of their first kisses, first and foremost. And, none of them tried to meet at the middle; Leo asking for too much, while she asked for too little.

“Okay, okay!” Kunhang says, lifting his hands in the air. “Let’s say I believe you. What did you feel when you saw him kissing you?”

“Kunhang, really. It’s not that deep—”

“It is,” He finalizes for her. “I’ve known you for years and I’ve never seen you date anyone. Not once. You’re always so secretive about it. I know you’re not the kind to kiss where everyone can see you and you definitely are not the type to go for the most simplistic guy in the entire campus.”

That makes her laugh. “I didn’t meet him at the campus. I met him at my workplace.”

Oh, right. Yukhei always talks about his free yoga classes coupon that she gets him each month as a gift. She’s a receptionist at one of the gyms near the campus. “Fair enough, he’s a gym rat. I can see it. But what did Leo make you feel—?”

“I don’t know, he just looked weird!” Exasperated, she replies, a laugh leaving her after she says those words. “That should be normal. I’m sure it’s not impossible for me to be one of the few people who just don’t like kissing or think the person is cute but when they kiss them, they lose interest entirely. No one looks attractive while kissing someone.”

A thought crosses Kunhang’s head, a memory that he pushes to the back of his brain when his eyes claim each portion of her face with the drag of his pupils. “I think you’re wrong.” He whispers. “You’re always so uptight and proper, so difficult to approach, but you bend to a man’s will when you’re not even attracted to him.”

“He’s okay—”

“Okay is not enough for kissing someone.” Nudging her side with his elbow, he watches her lift her gaze, eyes connecting with her own when he sighs out of his words. “Listen, I know Yukhei should be the one to tell you this but he’s not the best of examples. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean that you have to do things just to do them. You get the benefit of feeling nice when you’re kissing someone, to want more, to not feel like lying to someone just to end a date. That’s not how attraction feels like.”

She shrugs, the night washing her down when she leans back on the stair and stares at the night sky. “What if I never feel like that for someone approachable?”

That takes the words out of his mouth for a second, turning to look at the stars as well. They twinkle, bright and clear, when he says: “I doubt you couldn’t get whoever you want.” He initiates. “Good legs and a nice smile? You’ll get any man you want.”

Deep is the laugh that leaves her lips, twirling her thumbs in between her fingers before whistling. “You’re really good at reading people, you know that?”

“Tell that to my social sciences teacher. I’m failing the class.”

A movement from her has their knees colliding, plastered to his side when she asks: “You’re failing Mr. Sam’s class?”

“He’s impossible.” He says, looking into her eyes and letting his smile fall at the memory of such class.

“Oh, tell that to his four ex-wives. He really is.” She conquers, but she swats her hand in the air soon after. “He’s all talk, though. I got a 98 in his class.”

“How?” Kunhang questions.

As if giving the elixir to a happy life, she quirks an eyebrow. “Just take what the textbooks say and apply it to our society. What you know best. In my case, I did a project about the repercussions of college on stressed students and what the root of societal norms do to craft impossible expectations, correlated to ‘all-or-nothing’ personalities and procrastinators.” The explanation of her project has his head thumping. Well, she is smart, he’ll give her that. Though not smart enough not to go out with a man like flavorless-ass Leo. “Dejun was one of my experiments and yes, his college life makes his very unhappy but that’s far away from the case—”

“What do you think I could do?” He expands his hand on top of his heart. “I truly have no idea.”

Her lips purse as she studies him, thinking for a moment before snapping her fingers together. “A blog.” She says. “Make an anonymous blog where you solve people’s issues, just like you did to me. Read people and tell them your opinion and see what’s the most common issue in selected age groups. For example, most 50-year-olds in your blog expressed issues with divorce and erectile disfunction while most 20-year-olds expressed parental issues and lack of knowledge on what their future holds for them.”

Denial almost slips from his lips, but the more he thinks about it, the more interested he is. Advice from Kunhang had been thrown around in between laughter, mostly shrugged off because he’s just some funny guy trying to take care of his friends, but then, it settles on him. He’s good at reading people, and his advice, while being anonymous, may be even better without the construction of walls of shame and dignity.

Taking her face in between his hands, he places a short peck to her forehead, standing up from the flight of stairs when he shouts out: “That’s brilliant!”

“Thanks.” She chuckles, slower in her movements when moving away from the staircase and next to him through the apartment complex.

“I’m going to tell Dejun so we can start working on the website today and Yukhei has a bunch of followers on Instagram. We can definitely find a proper following and get this going this week—”

Laughing, she adds: “See? Social sciences aren’t so bad after all.”

###

Demographics are insane. Five thousand Instagram followers from Yukhei plus the word spread around the campus in the past three days and now they have over one thousand messages to reply to. All in three motherfucking days.

The website had been coded by Dejun himself, simplistic, with the layout made for people to read the forum but to be unable to comment on what other people say or do. Against hate, of course. The only people who are able to talk are the administrations—Dejun, Yukhei and Kunhang, but even then, when he sees the inbox while standing in Dejun’s bedroom, he feels like throwing up.

“Wow,” Kunhang says, a smile taking over his features as he stands to Dejun’s right, Yukhei taking the spot on the left. “Well, we have to get to working.”

“How exactly are we going to get through over a thousand messages? And counting.” Yukhei says, watching another notification pop up from the corner of the website. “Listen, we can’t solve everyone’s issues…and leaving some outside would give us a bad reputation.”

Always the organizer, Dejun snaps a sheet of paper away from his agenda, clicking on his pen a few times, trying it out on the paper before sighing. “We’ll take turns and we’ll close the inbox by now. Each of us will personally respond to different messages, fifty at a time.” Jotting that down, he scribbles his friend’s names. “Yukhei will take the morning hours, considering that he’s free most mornings. I’ll take the afternoon time because I’m taking care of the kids by that time and Kunhang can take the night shift, respond to fifty messages himself.”

“That’s a lot of work.” Yukhei announces, but Kunhang chuckles.

“And a lot of data. This is a big project.” Kunhang finalizes. “How many days would it take us to get through all the messages?”

“We’d be responding to one hundred and fifty messages per day,” Lost in mathematics, Dejun clicks his pen one last time before hanging the piece of paper on the corner of his computer screen, glued by a bit of tape. “So, it would take us around a week, and that should be it.”

That just means they wouldn’t have to take in that much more data. One week worth of hard work and then, the only thing they would have to do is write down the project.

“Let’s do it, then.” Kunhang announces, looking down at his watch before clicking his tongue. “After I study for my final. See you guys!”

###

“Ugh, I can’t stand him. I really can’t.”

She stops wiping the main counter of the gym to watch Chaeryeong dabbing some sweat from the connection between her hairline and her forehead away with a towel. Her short black hair rests on her toned arms, her tattoo displayed on her left forearm, body cladded in her gym clothes. From the far distance, she sees Dejun rushing through his last set of push-ups before getting out the door, without even saying goodbye to his girlfriend.

Chaeryeong is a trainer here, though that’s not how he met her. They studied together during their first semester, before Chaeryeong decided that studying wasn’t her thing and dropped out completely. In between her family’s judgement and her growing relationship with Dejun, she decided to go that extra mile and start lifting weights. Buff arms and legs accompanied her, paired with her strong features and slim lips.

But what had once been the love story everyone envied now seems to be falling down. Stopping her ministrations, she leans forward on the counter to speak to her more privately. “He was just working out, Chaeryeong, he’s doing his best.”

“But he said he was going to be here two hours and thirty minutes later, he says he has to work on another project!” Chaeryeong whines, gulping down the rest of her water bottle before crushing the plastic in between her palms. Now, that’s anger. “He doesn’t even have time for me anymore and hear me out, girl, I was checking his Instagram the other night as I stayed over in his place and some bitch sent him a DM saying ‘you’re so hot’. I think the fuck not. I have all the right to be mad at him.”

Chaeryeong supports her friends much like she does her weights, but her personality goes from zero to infinity. It’s up to her to calm her friend down, hand extending to rest on top of her calloused hand. “Babe, Dejun loves you. He even gave you a promise ring and all. He’s just been really busy and that’s why he hasn’t been around as much as you want him to. After all, he’s in his sophomore year. We’re all busy around this time.”

Nodding, her friend continues her train of thought: “So, what about the girl?”

That topic is a little bit more difficult to treat, veins popping out of her neck the slightest out of the pressure building inside of her. A red jealousy monster at times…that she is. “He’s nice looking. Was she a senior?”

“Freshman.”

“Even worse,” She spits out, returning to her rubbing against the desk. “Freshmen are excited to finally be in college and they’re a little bit out there. Does he follow her?”

Chaeryeong shakes her head.

“Has he replied?”

Once again, the answer is no.

“Then, why are you worrying?”

“Because he didn’t tell me! I only saw the DM; he didn’t even want to tell me on the first place!” Chaeryeong marks her truth out with every elongation and punctuation of her words. “I appreciate your honesty, but if Dejun even dares cheating on me, I’m out. I’m not here for him to get angry at me when he has been the one who is distant and—”

From the corner of her eye, she sees a familiar figure entering the gym. A white t-shirt clings to every curve of his trained yet slim chest, pale skin plastered in some moles around his neck, thick lips curved into a smile, cheeks as tinted as the pink shorts he wears today. Zhang Leo, who had once asked her out while entering the gym two years ago, slim as ever, and had grown some muscle after a while, perseverant enough to get her out on a date.

Only a few seconds pass by when her knees duck and she’s hidden behind the desk, Chaeryeong stopping on her rambles when she mumbles: “W—What? What happened?”

“Leo is here.”

“Shit, let me cover you.”

Blame it on curiousness and a lonesome night that ended up with her saying yes not to one, but to three dates. Leo had persisted, ridiculously proud of going out with her but still, not daring to speak about himself but what he wanted to do with her instead. It was tiring, barely able to make her heart race past the initial fear of kissing him. Then, came blankness, exasperating dullness that she can’t get rid of, much like she can’t get rid of Leo.

The man moves towards the desk she hides behind of, expanding one hand on top of it as he speaks to Chaeryeong. The first thing he does is call out her name. “Where’s my girl?”

My girl, he says, even though she’s totally sure that’s a noun he uses for plenty of women. “Been throwing up like crazy since last night. She isn’t working today.”

Clinging closer to the desk, she sincerely hopes Leo doesn’t dare look to the left, because he could get a glimpse of her in this immaculate, big gray gym. “That’s weird.” Patting his hand against the desk, he adds: “Tell her to call me, okay? I’ll get tired of her if she keeps running away.”

Though, by the time he has left, she barely hears Chaeryeong’s voice mouthing out a small:

“Asshole.” She says. “Darling, you really don’t have to go out with an asshole like that, you know that? You definitely can get better.”

And that’s the set of words that cling to every corner of her mind for the rest of the evening. Even when she’s walking home after taking the bus, all she can think about is how romance is never fitted for her. Never had she felt love for someone, or the romantic kind, at least. Never had she been swept off her feet other than with a character on the screen. Never had she enjoyed a kiss as much as she did one time, and it wasn’t even a real kiss to begin with.

Her mind wonders—had love been created just to bring hope to people? Or was it misery that cladded the word and made it impossible to find these days? Had the people who had fallen in love in the past, hard and fast, with utmost sincerity, held onto the doubts that cover her every being?

If love was a word everyone understood, why was it so different for everyone?

If everyone was capable of loving, why was it difficult to find someone who loved her how she wanted to be loved?

Why couldn’t she love anyone, on the first place?

Speaking out those thoughts to her friends is the least she wants to do. None of them would find an answer—too entranced in their own issues. She can’t ask them to understand her, when she can’t do it herself. So, with a notification from Yukhei’s Instagram account from one day ago, her finger taps on his story, getting a few seconds to read the ‘swipe up’ message.

The Experience Club, get advice from people who have gone through it all!

Well, it’s worth a try. Besides, none of them would really know it’s her, after all.

Her fingers move with precision on the screen to write down the message on the big white box.

Dear ‘The Experience Club’,

I’ve never fallen in love with anyone and I feel pressured to do it thanks to my age. Though, all I’ve managed to meet are a bunch of dumbasses. I don’t know if it’s a me-issue, making me the type to attract assholes, or if it’s all them.

Should I feel ashamed of not having fallen in love? Or, even better, should I grow used to not feeling entirely attracted to someone because there is not such thing as a middle-half? I know people have flaws, I don’t expect someone to be perfect, but I thought, at least, my partner’s imperfections would suit me and be, somewhat, acceptable.

Maybe, I’m too impatient or selective, I’m not sure.

Please, help someone out.

Sincerely,

Loveless Anon.

###

“Mom, I promise, I’m fine.”

With his phone perched between his slim shoulder and his cheek, his fingertips continue to trail on the keyboard of his half-functioning laptop to finish the essay he should have finished a week ago. A plate of cold noodles settles on the side of his coffee table, back hunched beyond relief as he listens to the faint sound of a Post Malone song in the background.

Fine.

Spectacular.

Kunhang couldn’t be better.

But as he hears his mother shuffling around on the other end of the call, his ears become wary, trying to distinguish the almost imperceptible noise. “I’m sure you can do this and much more, Kunhang.” Dulcet as ever in her tone, she continues as Kunhang resumes his furious tapping. “See, baby, I’m moving your sisters’ degrees away to get that special spot for you in my living room. I want everyone to see my political scientist boy.”

His heart squeezes against his ribcage, stealing his breath away when his phone almost falls off his shoulder. Little does she know he’s halfway through failing a class for the first time, balancing three jobs and still, on the verge of paying another class with Mr. Sam. As if education wasn’t expensive enough.

“You didn’t have to—”

“You’re my boy, of course, I had to.” Stubborn, his mom continues. “You sound tired, Kunhang.”

“I already said I’m fine.” He grumbles, not meaning to sound as annoyed as he does. Truth be told—it’s the annoyance he has at himself. How fucking difficult is it to get over sixty on a test? He does fine on his other classes!

“Two jobs and studying are a lot of things, Kunhang. You used to be brighter.”

Sighing deeply, he puts the last word down on his essay, opening his Gmail and writing down some simplistic greeting before turning his work in. If only his mom knew about the third job…

“Just a bad day, mom.” Rubbing his eyes, he tries not to let his voice break. What about some bad months? Would it be too much to tell her the truth? “I have another project to work in, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to call you until tomorrow night. If you’re up, that is.”

“I’ll stay up for you.”

A smile plasters on his features. There will never be a love as beautiful as the one that comes from a good mother. “You don’t have to…”

“I want to.” She says. “Unless you’re playing this victim card so your mom doesn’t call you.”

“I could never.” His fingers hover over the mouse before clicking on The Experience Club’s website, the white color almost making his irises burn.

“How’s Yukhei doing?”

Typical guy who earns a spot in moms’ hearts. “I think he’s out with someone right now,” In light of Yukhei’s usual personality. “I haven’t really texted him today, but he’s doing fine.”

A little bit more talking ensues in between his mother and himself until he hears her yawn, loud and clear, barely getting a few words out when she excuses herself to go to bed. Not like he could do such thing, he has fifty letters to go through that he has to answer as soon as possible.

Forty-seven letters later and he has three hours to sleep when he feels his body melting into the seat, eyelids closing before he opens them widely. That jolts him awake, clicking on another letter to read through it.

Loveless Anon.

As he reads through the passages of questions and insecurities, he becomes awfully aware of his own vision of love. One year ago, one would see him tagging along with Yukhei, earning the attention of one or two women, responding to texts and being on social media. Then, came his shortage in salary and he had to add another job to his list. Working at a café was far more difficult than people thought.

Each day, he saw people flirting, he saw relationships blossom, but never had he stopped once and thought love was for him. Sure, he knew one day would come that he’d fall for someone…but he didn’t know how it feels. Great, he has felt comfortable enough in the relationships he has been in, but they have never been the greatest, making him think about the future.

With his mouse hovering over his answer, he starts typing:

Dear Loveless Anon,

Welcome to the Club, first and foremost. Truth be told, this had me thinking for a bit. I think love is something we’re allowed to feel, but we’re not meant to go through it per say. We decide if we want to do it or not, so being selective is never a bad thing.

Do I think it’s humanly impossible for someone to never feel love? Maybe. I think you’re just looking in the wrong place—or, perhaps, that is where you go wrong. You’re looking, you’re not exactly waiting for it and taking your chances.

Here’s a question: Do you look for a shooting star or do you get surprised when it arrives and make a wish?

It’s a one in a lifetime thing. Most people haven’t seen a shooting star, but they have seen planes fly by or starts that twinkle in different lights…and that, in the night sky, looks similar. Not all of us are shooting stars, but we’re shooting stars for someone.

Lighten up! I think you haven’t noticed you don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t look at you like you’re that one bird that they confused for a shooting star. Flawed, sure, but still beautiful.

Thank you for giving me something to think about.

Sincerely,

H.W.

###

Four years ago.

Dipping French fries in garlic cream is a gift sent from heaven. It’s what distracts her in this awful party with high school students, sporting their best clothing, faces filled with dumb smiles in need of feeling integrated in groups. Instead, she leans against the kitchen counter in the house of one of her classmates, concentrating on the scene that develops on the TV screen, a romantic movie displayed in there as she munches on the snacks everyone has been passing on just to socialize.

With the sound of her name cutting through the music, she turns towards the gray door that leads to the small kitchen. Yukhei is there, brown hair falling on his forehead as he clasps his hands together in front of him. A ridiculous plaid shirt rests on his upper body, tucked inside his skinny jeans when he pleads, in his best whiny tone:

“Can you please stop being a party pooper and come play a game with us?” He questions, and she knows Yukhei does it in good fun. He brought her here on the first place, in his dad’s car, as he begged to have his best friend by his side. Parties are his thing—and with his high school girlfriend tied by his side, he attends them much more often. “Please. I need you to have fun once.”

Truth be told, she’s not as easy going as she should, but she continues to dip another French fry into the cream before bringing it up to her lips and taking it in one bite. “I’m having fun. Titanic is running, the AC here is just perfect and this cream, God, Yukhei, this cream is to die for—”

“You ate it all yourself?” The taller man questions, taking the plate in between his fingers and watching that, indeed, the plate is halfway finished. “Shit, you smell like garlic.” Bringing his index and thumb to his nose, he plucks at his nostrils not to smell the garlic in her, and she has to raise her eyebrows at that.

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll just keep my mouth closed.”

Through a nasal tone, her best friend shakes his head. “You can’t.”

“Why not?” She says, blowing air into her rounded palm to feel her breath. Oof, boy, is it a good garlic.

“Because we’re about to play seven minutes in heaven and I want you to have a second chance at a first kiss since your first one sucked.” Fifteen, in the back of a cinema, with someone’s tongue down her throat and buttery fingertips running over her arms. It was horrid, and the thought alone of kissing someone else has her stomach churning. “I won’t pressure you to do it, but if the person you’re selected to go with is attractive to you,” He lets go of his nose, taking in a deep breath before smiling at her. “Go for it. You deserve to have a second try.”

Angel is not an adjective that would go with Yukhei’s name, but he is practical. “I’m not sure. I don’t want to offend anyone by saying no.”

“You’re not.” Yukhei says, swatting his hand in the air. “We’re all okay with it, and if you want to participate, you’re allowed to say no. We changed the rules. It’s consensual seven minutes in heaven. A classic for us.” Tugging at the sleeve of her oversized sweater, he drags her towards one of the bathrooms, rummaging through the glass cabinets until he finds some toothpaste. “But I need you to pour some of this on your finger and brush your teeth the best you can without a brush because I don’t want anyone tasting the garlic in your mouth. Thank you.”

Not enough objecting later and an endless pep-talk from Yukhei, she finds herself on a circle with some of her friends and classmates. Around twenty, to be exact, and the bottle had not landed on her yet. A few rounds pass by, and she’s left sipping on some soda to take the garlic breath away from her mouth—though bettered after half-brushing her teeth—, knees brought up to her chest when the bottle swings and she connects gazes with everyone on the circle.

Gravity makes it choice and when she looks down, the bottle is pointing at her, the other edge signaling towards Wong Kunhang.

Kunhang is not her closest friend, but he is cute. Big dark brown eyes, straight hair falling on the typical hairstyle on his forehead, dressed better than Yukhei in this occasion. A graphic t-shirt with some Star Wars quote and ripped jeans. His lips barely quirk up at the corner of his mouth when he looks up at her, her heart caged against her chest in fear of being denied.

Because Kunhang is a yes for her. She can’t say she would absolutely mind kissing him.

A shiver goes down her spine when Dia, one of the girls on the circle, claps her hands together and points to Kunhang after. “So, Kunhang, are you willing to get locked for seven minutes with your selected partner?”

Okay, this is it. This is the moment she feels like dissipating because one of the cutest guys in her class denies her. Maybe, he’ll stick his tongue out and pretend to vomit, or even worse, he’ll just shake his head and purse his lips, showing his disinterest—

“Yeah, of course.” He shrugs his shoulders, he does do that, but he sounds interested, quirking an eyebrow at her as his eyes twinkle. “Do you want to?”

The question is slow, enough to have her blinking a few times until Yukhei nudges her side with his bony elbow. “A—Ah, yes, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Sweet.” One of the guys says, deep voice following a high-five with Kunhang as the selected guy stands up and extends his hand towards her.

Shaking fingertips wrap around his, nervous beyond what she could explain. Yukhei had talked about this—kisses that were only meant to feel good, but she doesn’t think there should not be a reason for kissing. Clammy palms and tethering figure must have been made noticeable to Kunhang when they open the door to one of the closets, the lights turned off when they lock them inside, chest to chest, coats surrounding them in the cramped room.

With her heart practically racing out of her chest, Kunhang interlocks his fingers with hers, softly, speaking into the thin air: “We don’t have to kiss, you know?” He says, a chuckle following his words. “I’ll settle with a kiss on the cheek if that’s what you want.”

“W—Why do you say that?” She tries to grow accustomed to the dark room, but Kunhang’s eyes are nowhere to be seen in the dark.

“You’re shaking.”

Breathing out softly, she engulfs his palm with some strength. “I’m nervous.”

“Because of me?”

“Because of the kiss.” She mumbles out, feeling one of Kunhang’s hands pulling away from her hold to push her hair away from her shoulder, settling on her jaw softly. “I—I don’t think I enjoy kisses.”

Kunhang stays silent for a few seconds before quirking his head to the side, a confused noise leaving him. “You don’t?”

“They don’t feel good for me.”

“You’ve tried with various people?”

“One guy.”

“Who?”

“Woosung. He graduated last year.” Kunhang must not know him. Woosung was part of the soccer team, while he’s part of the debate club—

“Who the fuck trusts Woosung with a kiss?” He questions, voice levelled to have people believe they’re actually not just talking. “Isn’t that the guy who pees in the bushes instead of going to the bathroom like actual people?”

“He’s lazy.”

“It’s school. You can’t be that lazy.”

That relaxes her enough to chuckle, chest touching with his slim frame in the process. “Maybe, I just made a wrong choice.”

“Not a ‘maybe’. I’m certain.” Kunhang confesses, pushing his body forward the slightest, just one step, but enough to steal her breath away. “…What would you say if I told you I could do better? I mean, you could always compare and it could be a nice experience. You, you know, could consider this your first kiss.” He shrugs, and though she wants to continue talking, her eyes have finally settled to the dark and she sees the outline of his thin lips, too close for her not to notice them, not to want to taste them—

“Why not?”

Those are the two words that gave her the best kiss she’s ever had. Sweet, tranquil, patient, meant to feel good, to be relaxed and dizzying. Her palms extend to end on his waist, breathing in the scent of his perfume mixed with some spices, his hair tickling her face when he decides to deepen the kiss.

Most first kisses with someone are not perfect, but this one feels like it, taking every portion of her soul and claiming it as Kunhang’s. His hands settle on her waist, feeling feminine for once, as if she’s more than just a pair of lips to kiss—he has purpose on this, for them to feel good, connected beyond what anyone could have explained to her.

Wong Kunhang is one damn good kisser, even when he was just seventeen at the time.

And his sense of time is to envy, pulling away with a smile and a sly pop of his lips when he whispers, taking one last peck from her: “We have twenty seconds. I don’t want you to get caught.”

She barely has enough time to fix her hair and the sleeve of her sweater when Dia opens the door of the closet and beams at them.

“How was the kiss?”

Kunhang could have talked about how he dizzied her, made her feel better than any man but he went for the route he knew would be better for her instead.

“Wouldn’t know. We just talked.” Though, she’s not sure anyone believed him, lips rosy when he took his snapback and placed it backwards on his head, taking a seat on the circle once again with a smile on his face.

Dia wraps an arm around her shoulder, gasping at his words. “You just talked over there?”

Looking into her eyes, she finishes the conversation with a whispered: “I think we just needed to catch up.”

But her braincells hadn’t caught up to how insane she felt after kissing Kunhang.

So, that was what a real kiss was.

###

Her ribcage digs into the edge of the counter of the gym, pumped-up hip-hop music blaring from the speakers when she swipes through her phone screen. Worries, all accumulated inside her head, with the need to be voiced out, go from one corner of her brain to the other as she swipes through her screen, refreshing the website that had given her some peace of thought when it came to solitude.

How would Kunhang react had he known the reality of it all? Had he known that H.W had made her feel better? They never had that connection; that thing that she had with Yukhei where she could approach him and endlessly talk about topics with no judgement inside her heart. Not because she feared his words would pierce through her with stigmas, but because the distance between them was based on her attraction towards him. Always relaxed, honest, living a day at a time…seemingly unworried.

So, she continues to talk to him, in hopes to be read, to get a glimmer of his heart and head once again even when the website’s inbox is closed.

I don’t know why I’m writing to you again, or well, I really do.

H.W, have you ever made a mess so big you don’t know how to put the pieces together? Have you ever hidden in hopes of no one seeing you? I’m sure not a lot of people have. Here I am, hiding from the man I don’t want to date while I’m unable to tell him to just fuck off.

See, something you should know about me, apart from loveless, I’m also a coward.

The first thing I thought about was writing something to you. I know this is part of your project and you may not read me again, but whatever, I just need to let this out with someone…

Do you, oh so wise love master, have some list of ways to break things off with someone who you’re not really dating but you don’t want to see anymore because you didn’t want to see them on the first place?

Asking for a friend.

Or, not. Definitely asking for myself.

I’m a mess.

Dearly,

Loveless Anon.

P.S: Should I start calling myself Dumbass Anon? Fits better, IMO.

With that, she shrinks at the sight of Leo entering the establishment, the heels of her palms digging onto the tiles to get away from the main area and into the office at the back, closing the door behind her with a soft swish.

She’s sure of one thing, she doesn’t want to kiss that man again.

###

“What does…?” Plopping the red lollipop from between his lips, Mrs. Ling’s grandson, Lu, swings his feet back and forth while seated on the bench in his grandmother’s garden. Mrs. Ling had married a wealthy man back in her day, when her ninety-year-old bones didn’t creak whenever she walked, hence the family has a wealthy lifestyle. “What does Pikachu turn into once he grows up?”

Lu may be trying to say the word ‘evolve’, and this entire obsession for Pokémon may have come from the constant singing of the theme song towards the plants with the kid around, but with the sun beaming down his features, keeping him reddened under the limelight, Kunhang hums. “That’s be Raichu.”

Pouring water fills the silence around them until Lu pouts out his plump bottom lip, his long dark bowl-cut moving with the wind. The seven-year-old is adorable, he’ll give him that. “But Pikachu never changes in the show…”

Turning around, he stops watering the plants, a smile taking over his features when he says: “Maybe, because he doesn’t want to change.”

“But who wouldn’t want to be a stronger Pikachu?”

That question makes him think back to his website. It’s been a while since he last checked for it, inbox closed and project running, but all he can think about is Loveless Anon. She wanted to be better at love, without realizing there is no bettering what is just meant to happen.

“Strength is not everything, kid.” Kunhang replies, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear. “Sometimes, all we need is our friends. Or people who want to be by our sides. What’s the point of being better if you can’t be better with your people?”

That has Lu thinking for a few seconds, his Pikachu plushie placed on his lap, his chin resting on its head and Kunhang resumes to watering the plants, twenty minutes left on the clock before he has to rush out of there.

“Are you Raichu or Pikachu?”

That moment, Kunhang wants to laugh. Well, the metaphors are now connected to a kid’s show. “Like, a Feebas. Unique, but no one really gives a…thing about me.”

Lu’s eyes twinkle when he stands up from his spot. “I have a Feebas in my game.”

“You do?”

“Yes.” Lu nods. “It’s cool, like you. I want to be like you when I grow up, HangHang.”

When a plate breaks, the sound perpetrates each portion of a person’s body. It shatters to the point of bringing fear onto someone. Yet, that dulling noise settles inside his ears, confusing him when he sees Lu enter the spacious home and rush up the set of stairs. A kid, a whole rich kid who plays Pokémon a little too much had told him that he wanted to be like him?

Now, that’s one of the best things that has happened to Kunhang in a while.

And maybe, it’s about time he feels proud of what he has done. A website, along with his friends. A project now developed, that doesn’t sound too bad. He’s midway through his career. A good friend, a nice son, an annoying brother…he’s a lot of things, but he never stops and thinks about the change he can make into someone’s life.

That’s how he ends his job a bit early, with ten minutes on the clock as he takes a seat on that bench Lu had taken place on, rummaging through the website to see if Loveless Anon had written something else to him.

Nonetheless, he didn’t expect for her to actually reply to him.

Thus, taking into consideration that the website includes the option of personal replies, he starts writing.

Be honest. That’s the key to life.

You know, I don’t think you’re a dumbass. I have a friend who is just like you. She’s…amazing, but she doesn’t realize it in most occasions. If ever. I think if the guy you’re seeing is an absolute asshole, prepare with all your might, make something grand that sits his ass down in place and have a great time at it (record it if you do embarrass him, I love watching assholes have a hard time).

But hey, if he’s a nice dude, just sit him down and talk about it. Say you don’t feel the way he wants you to feel and move on.

I don’t think being a coward is inherent to us. We can change it, you know?

Or, contract H.W to do it for you. Would love to!

P.S: I really like the name Loveless Anon. It sounds so aesthetic. I can imagine it on Pinterest posts between hearts.

Talk to me sometime, maybe off anon dude,

H.W.

Though, when he lifts his gaze, he hears the sound of someone falling onto the bushes of the garden, he stands up with a frown on his face.

Oh, please don’t tell him he’s about to be part of a robbery—

###

People of the world, jot down the rule number one of living in your notebooks…

Don’t break up with a rich person while being on their car. Don’t break up with a man with an ego so huge it’s bigger than his nonexistent ass. Those are two rules, but with a comma in between, they can be added together.

Leo’s sharp eyes had managed to find her today and with his incessant need to get her out to buy some ice cream for her, a wet kiss pressed to her lips without her desire, she decided it was time. You know, how in movies the side character who is best friends with the real main character opts that enough is enough and they’re going to evolve.

Well, this didn’t go so well.

What she had said, five minutes ago was: “I don’t think we should be seeing each other. Ever. I just…ah, it doesn’t work for me, I guess?”

So, that’s where the pleading started, his plush lips spitting out the truths that he guesses about her—that she was so into their kisses, so devoted to him, so simply head over heels that he couldn’t believe she was spitting out such lies.

“Leo, I’m fucking honest. It’s over.” With her patience running short, her fingers hook around the handle of the door, ready to jump out of the car if necessary. The man is not even looking ahead of the road when he comes to a clear, abrupt stop.

“You’re such a needy little bitch.” Finally, his true colors are shown and she has to lift her eyebrows at the sentence that left his lips. “You think that just because you’re half cute, you get to treat people like shit. It has always been like this—”

“Well, you were the one trying it out with me. You were pushy, Leo.”

“You said yes,” He shrugs, unlocking the doors of his expensive car, an eye-roll following after. “What are you, stupid? Now I have to read between the lines with bitches because there are people like you that don’t know what they want?”

That is the brink of the iceberg, the tip, making her chuckle as she opens the door of the car. “I know what I want,” She starts. “And it has never been you. I dated you because you were all over the place, asking me out.”

“Out of pity.” Leo conquers. “No one wants to date you because you’re fucking impossible to deal with.”

“Okay then! I’m better off not dating if that means not seeing people like you.”

When she closes the door of the car, the swooshing motion of the windows opening has it pulling down. “Get back in the car.”

“I won’t.”

“Get back in the fucking car before I tell everyone just how much of a bitch you are.”

“I don’t care. Not about you, not about your opinion.”

Though, when she hears his wheels whirling and the man moving backwards, she starts running, fearful of what his tainted ego could do. Rocks splattered on the sidewalk may have been enough to make her lose her footing as she looks over her shoulder, someone’s gates digging onto her sternum for the briefest second when she falls, lunching forward and inside a house.

Well, what a way to end things coolly.

Curled leaves fall against her hair, the harshness of a hose plastered against her waist when she lets out a curt sigh. She swears she hears footsteps, but with the sun beaming down on her eyes and the fall corrupting every portion of her muscles, her ears barely make out the noise until someone’s strong fingertips wrap around her arms and bring her up, stomach folded, eyes widening when she sees the person in front of her.

He calls out her name at the same time that she whispers out a tiny: “Kunhang?”

For once, the sun has done him justice, scarlet streaks of embarrassment and heat transcending from his cheeks to his neck when a big smile takes over his features. “You’re trying to rob my employer’s house?”

“God, no.” She shakes her head, her own hands resting on his shoulders to straighten her back and get up as skillfully as she can while hurt from the fall. “No, no, I would never.”

“Then, explain this very inappropriate way of entering someone’s house.” Thus, she knows he is joking around with her, arms folded across his chest when she sighs deeply.

She has written to him under the name of Loveless Anon, maybe because she was scared of saying it out loud—that the only man she has ever enjoyed kissing and hasn’t lost attraction to is him. There, with the fear of being judged for being so fucking easy to read, for him to know that things with Leo weren’t working out, she decides to speak up.

“Leo was following me around with his car after I broke things off with him.” Resting her hands on the depth of her pockets, she shrugs. “Well, or he could have just driving off, but with how angry he was…I thought…”

“What did he tell you?” Through gritted teeth, he hunts for answers, jaw tightened on his hold.

“Called me a bitch. Said something about me being impossible—”

“Oh, of course he would.” Kunhang rolls his eyes, pure exasperation following his scoff when she decides to interrupt him.

“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have dated just because, it was bad.”

He quirks an eyebrow at that, before humming softly. “You’ve got a point. I can’t say it wasn’t your fault.” He replies. “But that doesn’t give him a reason to treat you badly, much less make you jump into someone’s house.”

“That was a reflex.”

Placing one hand on top of her head, Kunhang chuckles. “I don’t care. That asshole doesn’t get to treat you like that.” With that, he gives one step away from her, the warmth of him replaced by the sun when he goes pick up his backpack. “Is he out there?”

She knows how tight Kunhang’s schedule is, so she shakes her head. “I doubt he is. I—I will just walk home.”

“I can’t offer you a car ride, but I won’t let you leave on your own. What if he’s out there, all pissed off?” With that, he tosses his helmet towards her, caught through nimble fingers when he gives her a smile. “We’re going on my super bicycle. Batman had his car, I have my bicycle.”

Though the sentence warms her heart, she can’t accept it. “Kunhang, you’re going to run late to work—”

“Consider it a calf workout. I need them to get stronger.” With the way he rests a hand in between her shoulder blades, moving her away from the garden and saying his goodbyes over his shoulder, her mind can already make out his positive answer to taking her home.

“Your legs are fine.”

“You think so?” Kunhang asks, a hint of a blush on his cheeks. “So, the ladies say.”

“Oh, come on.” She nudges his side with her elbow. “Too much time with Yukhei is making you go all Casanova.”

“Please. I’m not in Yukhei’s level.”

“Thank God.”

In a cramped little bicycle with the world swishing around them, her arms wrap around his taut waist, her head lulled against his back when she takes in the scent of him, the spice that she may never forget, relishing on his softness and the way he never stops talking, sometimes in a deeper voice when he doesn’t notice. It’s purely him, the guy in the closet with her that one time years ago.

It’s H.W.

It’s not a surprise when guilt washes over her when she gets home, Kunhang not having much time for conversation as he rushes—quite late—to his next job. Upon seeing her apartment complex, she looks down at her phone, seeing a notification from the website he created.

Would he still reply to her if he knew it was her?

###

You know that game people play before graduation, a little bit before prom? Most likely to become president or to get married? Well, Yangyang should’ve won the title ‘most likely to become high on one sip of caffeine but still be goddamn addicted.’

Fits him like a glove.

Fresh coffee beans, Styrofoam cups, wiped tables and soft jazz, Kunhang has learned the art of caffeine against his will. With his eyes half closing, he tries not to pour down the coffee that he is serving Yukhei’s roommate this early in the morning. With his apron digging into his stomach, his hair done a mess and his eyelashes fluttering against his under-eyes, he feels like Yangyang is another kind of specimen. If his guesses are not wrong, Yangyang may have not even slept the entire night.

The balls of his feet make him move back and forth by the time Kunhang turns around, the barista is midway through a yawn when he scribbles a quick heart on top of Yangyang’s coffee and sends it over his way.

“You look horrible,” Yangyang spits out, thankfully the last in line. With relaxation filling his bones, Kunhang rests his elbow on the counter, head lulling to the side while delicately closing his eyes. “Maybe, you should start tidying up. My roomie is about to get here any second.”

With pursed lips and a tired scoff, Kunhang replies: “Why would I give a shit about what Yukhei thinks? He’s seen me this tired since forever.”

But Yangyang is smart, with his cat-like smile, pushed back hair and oversized hoodie, he doesn’t look like a nightmare, but he goddamn right is intuitive and a headache, much more when he spits out her name and has Kunhang straightening his back, looking around the room in suspicion.

“Guilty as charged, I see.”

“T—That doesn’t mean a thing.” Kunhang tries to chuckle, shrugging his shoulders in the process. “I’m just not used…to looking bad…in front of people who are not my closest friends?” His voice sounds like a goddamned question. Fuck, why can’t he simply sound more relaxed?

Truth is, he has one of those bad cases of underthinking. When all he can think about is one person. These past few weeks, he has checked that goddamned website, with the little time he has left, and he has looked forward to talking to Loveless Anon. For, it feels like he is talking to her, and that kind of connection has never come around.

He’s a coward. He kissed her in a closet during the lamest game in the world and he could never ask her out. Partly because he expected her to say something, admit that it was a good kiss and wasn’t like the others, and another part of him was just a tad bit scared. Of the awkwardness, for example, that could come in their friend group and with Yukhei if they just happened to see each other that way and break up.

“So, the myth has it—” Yangyang takes a sip of his drink. “That you two kissed when you were like seventeen.”

Kunhang’s eyes settle on a figure at the far distance, bustling laughter and clapping hands of men making him frown. Isn’t that Leo…? He returns his gaze to Yangyang. “Who told you that?”

“You know, like, that one time last Christmas when we got stuck at the campus and you were, like, drunk off your ass?” Kunhang nods. “I asked you who was a better kisser between two girls you dated and you told me her name, and she wasn’t even in the list.”

“I was drunk.” Kunhang tries to chuckle the matter away.

“So, she wasn’t a good kisser?” Yangyang waves his eyebrows on his forehead, up and down. “Or should I test it myself just so we have a reaction out of you and you finally ask her out? Because you’re hot, she’s hot. Hot plus hot makes hotter.”

The older man shakes his head, pondering if he should go to that goddamned table that included Leo and his friends. He’s not sure if he wants her to see him, so it’s better to simply attend them and get them out of the way. Running his hands over his apron, he walks away from his spot behind the counter.

“That actually makes two hot. Hot plus hot makes two hot, not hotter.”

“Nerd talk doesn’t get the girls, bro.” Yangyang conquers with a wave of his hand.

“Oh, and you’re not kissing her.”

With a scrunched-up face and a faked gag, he nods. “Of course, I won’t. I’ve heard that woman fart, I’m not sure if I see her that way, or any way.”

“You really expect your future partner not to fart in front of you?”

“I expect them to make me fall in love hard enough for me not to care about their stinky farts.”

He laughs, patting Yangyang’s shoulder before speaking. “Listen, Leo is right over there and I hadn’t even noticed. Now, I want you not to let her inside if she gets here. I don’t want her seeing that dude.”

For a second, Yangyang’s brown eyes widen before catching a glimpse of the man by the table before nodding. “You’ve got it. We’re distracting her and making mortadella out of his dick.”

“Not really.” Kunhang spits out, but he points at his friends. “But I like your way of thinking.”

Very rarely does Kunhang feel petrified, in spot, as if the world around him is going miles per minutes and he’s stuck in half a mile. His chest contracts when he gets his notepad out of his pocket, only to hear the obscenities that left Leo’s lips, a smirk forever plastered on his face.

“You should���ve seen her face when I was fucking her.” 

He listens, loud and clear, every little detail that Leo presumably fakes, that boosts his ego and have his friends leaning on the table to hear about him from up close. The man barely looks up from the menu on his hands or stops talking about the ‘little noises she made’—his words, not Kunhang’s—when he recognizes the man in front of him. Barely concealing his grin, he continues speaking.

“She doesn’t look like the type.” One of his friends says, laughing in the most obnoxious of ways as he folds the sleeves of his red t-shirt for the umpteenth time, all in hopes of showing his muscles. “But atta boy, you got to fuck her in less than a month. Congrats.”

Maybe, he should’ve thought rationally. He could lose his job for what he does next…but who is he kidding? This is the rational thing to do. Take the used coffee cup on one of the abandoned tables, pull the back of Leo’s shirt away from his neck and soon after, pour the entirety of the sipped on, cold, perhaps rancid coffee down his shirt to hear him gasp and pull away from the table with a harsh tug.

There is goes.

Revenge and karma are fucking dating, and for a reason.

“Oh no. No. No. No.” He swears he hears Yangyang saying when he gets closer, but Leo, with his taller height, has already grasped the front of Kunhang’s shirt, breathing a little too closely.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Cooling you off.” Kunhang replies, quirking one of his eyebrows in the process. “You were getting a little horny out of your spank-bank imagination, so I needed to stop your shit.”

Before Leo could push him backwards, his fist goes forward, knocking him on his sculpted abdomen before pulling away. “Is this what this shit is about?” He questions, though when he lifts his hand to hit Kunhang, he swats it away with ease. Too much muscle, not a lot of strength. “You’re angry I fucked your friend?”

Yangyang takes this moment to butt in. “I’m not the type to fight but you definitely didn’t fuck her.”

“You were there?”

“I know you didn’t.” Kunhang replies for Yangyang, though it’s more of a prayer. If this man ever dared lay a finger on her, he’s going to lose his mind. Maybe, because someone like him shouldn’t have kissed her on the first place. “Man, everyone who saw you with her could tell that she wasn’t really into you. Get over it.”

A punch lays on Kunhang’s cheekbone, burning bright and hurting the slightest, his hand coming to the side to cradle the pained skin. “What do you fucking know?”

With the doors of the café opening and some customers still gaping at them, he hears the sound of someone getting closer, a low voice adding:

“Now I know enough.” And from the way she speaks, Kunhang could only curse at himself for what she saw. A beanie rests on her head, her face stoic, the rest of her clothing comfortable and ready for a coffee meeting with her roommate, but that had to be ruined by this asshole. “You didn’t fuck me, and I’m so thankful I decided not to do anything else with you. So, you can talk all the shit you want about me, I don’t care. Tell everyone about what we didn’t do or create a fucking story, but don’t you dare lay a hand on him again, you get me?”

Shivering from the cold brewed coffee on his back, Leo says: “You are insane!”

“Well, yeah, now you know my second name.”

“Out.” Kunhang says, pointing at the door, skin tainted on his cheekbone, hurting like a madman. Maybe, he spoke about Leo’s strength quite too soon. “Out of my establishment right now.”

“Whatever.” Leo spits out, picking up his backpack before pointing with his chin towards the door. “Let’s go, boys.”

By the time the doors open and close behind the group of men, wheels of his car whirling at his high speed, he hears Yangyang clapping his hands once before saying, in the softest tone:

“Who would’ve thought dumbass Wong Kunhang had it in him to be badass?”

Scoffing, she turns to look at Kunhang, sitting him down where Leo had taken place on pink leather accompanied by a white table before inspecting his face with soft fingertips. He really tries his hardest not to concentrate on her face, her tainted lips and sweet eyes when she studies his features.

“That’s not badass. That’s stupid.” She conquers, opening her bag and getting a cloth out before talking to Yangyang. “Bring me some water. It must be killing him—”

Saluting her, Yangyang hums. “On it.”

“It wasn’t stupid.” Kunhang hisses when she digs her fingers onto his cheekbones, palping around. “That asshole was lying about you and I couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry, but with how much it takes you to trust someone and how much you pressured yourself to like him, I didn’t think it was fair for him to treat you as if you were a toy. I don’t think it’s okay.”

Silence falls upon her, only opening her lips when Yangyang brings her a bottle of water. Somehow, the youngest understands to get away from the situation, not the annoying one by the time she pours some water on the cloth and presses it to Kunhang’s bruised skin.

“Did you believe him?”

Kunhang shakes his head. “No.” He denies softly, hissing at the pain. “But even if you had done something with him, that doesn’t give him the benefit to talk about it as if it wasn’t something you two did. As if most people don’t get involved in shit like that. No one cares—”

A little smile tugs at the corner of her lips, pushed away by her worry. “And the coffee stain?”

“I poured coffee on him.”

“Why?”

“He was talking on detail and hearing all those guys thirst over you in that light. I don’t know…” Kunhang looks over to the side, a chuckle leaving his lips. “Not that I hope no one feels attracted to you, I know a lot of people do. I sure hope you get, at least, twenty guys in your DM’s every time you post a picture because it’s the hype you deserve…but I don’t want, you know…”

“You don’t want what?”

“I don’t want you to date just whoever.” Kunhang finalizes, raising his hands in the air. “But it’s not my call and I have to accept it, because I want your utmost happiness above all…but come on? A gym rat that talks about sex and hitting it from the back even if you were absolutely repulsed to kiss him? You can do so much better—”

The moment she wraps her arms around him, he doesn’t expect it. Truth is, every action of her being tugs at his heart strings in ways that he can’t understand. The warm nature of her hug when she rests her chin on his shoulder and rests her hands on his back has his own arm coming upwards, engulfing her and resting his fingertips on her head.

“You’re not meant to be my knight in shining armor, you know?”

“I don’t mean to be that.” Kunhang whispers, pulling away to tenderly trail his gaze over her face. “I know you can take care of yourself perfectly fine. Jump into some old lady’s house on the way, too.”

“…You’re such a fool.” Rolling her eyes, she lets her thumb trail over his cheekbone. “And a cute fool, but now you look like Prince Charming after getting on the boxing ring with Canelo Alvarez.”

“I stopped listening after cute.” Batting his eyelashes, Kunhang stands up at that moment. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue working. May I know, our beloved customer, what your coffee order for today is?”

Fixing the hoodie over her head, she pouts out her lips when saying: “Cinnamon coffee, please? And one for you, too. You look exhausted.”

Someone please put a wall up before she gets to his much-too-busy life and heart.

### 

The world falls from her eyes, tired beyond what she could express, entering her last year of her psychology major and still, feeling unprepared. Maybe, that’s the endless minds of adults—losing confidence with each step they give into forever. Her fingers rake through her hair with the light of Yukhei’s laptop casting over her face as she reads through the last version of his shared project with Kunhang.

And maybe, in this room, she feels a bit guilty—divided in a way that she can’t quite explain. She’s not doing anything wrong, but connecting with Kunhang only through a website makes her feel ridiculous. Maybe, here where she is sitting, reading the conclusions, she starts to think there would have been no way for Kunhang to talk to her had it not been under a pseudonym and somehow, it’s the harshest pill to swallow.

Closing her eyes tightly, she taps her finger against the last sentence of the document before humming. “Proud of you, giant.” She says, voice as dulcet as it can be when treating with her roommate, turning to him with a faint smile on her features. Yukhei rests against the doorframe of her room, sporting some plaid pajamas and his blonde hair done a mess. “It’s good. You took the corrections I gave you and wrote a nice project, and the conclusions are great—”

“Did you read Kunhang’s?” He questions, her grin faltering the slightest.

She did, indeed. While Yukhei had concentrated on issues according to unemployment and how it affected people’s social lives, Kunhang had gone straight for love and how pressuring it feels for young adults to find the love of their lives.

Maybe, Loveless Anon had something to do with that.

“I read the entire project. Can’t wait for you guys to get the best grade.”

“That’s not what I’m asking, dummy.” Yukhei gets closer to her, kneeling in front of her computer seat before tugging at the edge and pulling her away from the desk. He needs her utmost attention, as it seems. “You want me to believe, me Wong Yukhei, that you’re not that Loveless Anon that Kunhang has been talking to for the past two months ago?”

Trying to look for an answer, she comes with the smallest one, barely let out through her half-parted lips. “So, what about it?”

Yukhei widens his eyes at that. “Oh shit, I was right.”

Well, there goes Yukhei guessing and doing it right for once. “…You were guessing.”

“And, I guessed right. I am really not as dumb as people think I am.” Yukhei chuckles at his own words, patting his hand against her knee. “So, when are you going to confess it all to him? Like, in one of those coming-of-age movies that we see or in those Hong Kong romance movies where—”

“Never.”

“What?”

Perhaps, Yukhei thinks of this as a movie. That romances in college last, or that either of them has the time to actually date each other. Not only that, but her own cowardly nature that had preferred to write under an anon name rather than talk to him in the way they did two months ago.

She once learned probabilities, she really did—and while she can read people, she can read situations even better. Kunhang and herself are not probable; they are not a match made in heaven and neither can they be friends. Not after that kiss. Not because they have a friend in common, Yukhei in this case, that would be absolutely devastated if he lost one or the other.

“Listen, it’s going to be weird because…I don’t know, I guess the letters feel a bit obvious about me flirting with him and—”

“And, so what?” Yukhei questions, his hands coming up to his hair when he stands up to pace back and forth. “Throughout the entirety of these two months, you’ve questioned yourself for never being attracted enough to a guy, for never wanting a guy as much as they want you but now, for the first time in years, you are interested in a guy whom you’ve kissed and you’d kiss again. Shit, why the hell aren’t you telling him and testing the waters?!”

“It isn’t that easy.” Closing the Word document with Yukhei’s project, she turns to look through the PDF book she should be reading for a class. “What if he’s not interested?”

“Oh, trust me. Kunhang thinks you’re hot.”

“That isn’t enough, Yukhei.” Though, heat fills her face once she rests her palm on her cheek, trying to hide away from her best friend. “What if he doesn’t want the same thing I do?”

“Then, you can say you tried.”

For a moment, those words repeat inside her head, with the memories—though definitely in group of friends—in between the two and the smiles shared, but she shakes her head before she can think of it any further.

“Thanks for the concern, Yukhei, but I’d rather pluck all of my eyelashes out than go through the embarrassment of being rejected by Kunhang. Bye.”

“He’s not going to reject you.” He tries to reason. “But if he did, then he’s the one losing you. Not you losing him.”

Even through it all, the hardships of college, the stress of adulthood, she can say she has someone taking care of her.

“I said bye, giant.”

“I’m not—”

“I’ll delete your Word document with your entire project if you don’t leave, Yukhei.” She adds, with humor in her tone. “And I know you don’t back your shit up.”

When he opens the door to leave, she hears a faint whisper leaving his deep voice: “You’re evil, woman.”

###

The air around his lungs feels less constricting when seated on that table in his social science class, grasping his last test in between his fingers, his project revised and approved by the professor, ending up on second place in the entire class.

This is the grade that could make him pass.

Or, alternatively, that could mean more money for university.

Kunhang has always prided on the fact that he’s confident, but with shaky fingertips and weaving eyes, he doesn’t know what to think about. Dejun’s face has softened sufficiently, meaning he has done well and of course, star of the class—somehow—Wong Yukhei is not worried.

“Come on, man.” Yukhei pats his hand against the back of his head, harsher than intended. “It’ll be fine. You’ve stupid like crazy.”

And that’s what scares him. For the first time, Kunhang has put his all and a bit more, waiting for the best outcome, but by the way his stomach twists and turns, his mind lightweight, it’s impossible for him to pass this class. No matter how hard he works, Mr. Sam wouldn’t be nice enough to grade him properly.

“Yeah, I guess.” Kunhang mumbles, turning the page around until it meets his gaze, like a glass of cold water falling on his face and awakening him. The most beautiful moments of life are not those who are perfect, but when his head felt like it was underwater and he managed to rise again.

Eighty.

Kunhang got an eighty in his last test.

“I fucking passed!” The smile on his face reads a thousand shades of sunshine when he plasters the exam down on the desk and brings his hands up his features, upwards towards the strands of his brown hair.

He can breathe again.

###

From: Min Chaeryeong.

Come pick me up at Dejun’s place.

Just broke up with him.

That asshole.

Never again, girl. Never again.

Romance movies paint it so beautifully. There’s a beginning, a limitation, a resolution and an end—well, a prolongated end in the form of happily ever after. What they never expect is for the secondary character to be rushing through the streets in order to get to Dejun’s place, looking for her best friend who had been on a long relationship only for it to end in an abrupt night of July, with a text that worries her to bits and pieces.

Her hair swishes with the movement of her hands opening the entrance door, greeting some of the students in the apartment complex before going up the set of stairs. Sneakers clanking against the tiles after coming from her workplace, her stomach roars in hunger and yet, she can only worry about Chaeryeong. Would she be crying endlessly? She knows, better than anyone, that Chaeryeong and Dejun love each other, or used to, at the very least…but if they can’t work together, then so be it.

She pulls the hood of her white sweater off her head, knocking on Dejun’s door a few times only to come up with silence. Her ear presses to the orange wood, wanting to listen to, at least, the whisper of the aftereffects of a fight, but it’s silent. Could they have gone somewhere else?

Her phone slips out of her pocket when she writes back.

To: Min Chaeryeong.

Chae, I’m here.

Where are you?

What happened?

Open the door.

From: Min Chaeryeong.

It’s open.

I’m in the closet with Dejun.

Come pick me up before I slice his nuts in half.

Okay, now that is a sign for her to open the door as quickly as she can.

The handle slides from her fingertips quickly, managing to take off her shoes in a swift motion before walking through the elongated hallway. None of Dejun’s roommates are anywhere to be around, not even his dog, Bella, but she does know where the closet can be found. Third door on the right, next to Dejun’s room.

Picking up Chaeryeong after staying over at Dejun’s place had been normal occurrence more than once, after all.

Maybe, it’s the worry for her two friends, the aspiring voice full of ambition that tells her she can save the day, but she opens the door of the closet. Darkened walls and not a single light in sight, the cramped space welcomes her body, door swinging closed behind her until she hears a small whine in a manly voice, a man standing up just when he hears the door closing.

“No!” But by the movement the visitor made—clearly Kunhang, now that she hears his voice—, caused for his chest to be pressed to hers, his left arm extending to stop the door from closing a little too late. Well, Kunhang is here, but—

“Where are Chae and Dejun?”

Kunhang pulls away at that, crossing his arms over his chest, glimmers of sweat dancing across his forehead and temple before sighing. “They’re in the other room, celebrating their anniversary by playing some fucking prank on us but for some reason, they locked me up in here and said you’d come in any second. The handle doesn’t work from the inside.”

“Fuck!” She curses, trying the handle out just when she hears Kunhang plop himself down on the flooring. “Why would they lock us in here?”

This sounds oddly familiar, and by the way Kunhang tugs at the collar of his shirt to wave some air towards himself, they could fry themselves from the heat here. “I have no idea.”

A knock on the door makes her look up, only to hear Dejun’s voice. “Because you two have something to tell each other and—”

“Chaeryeong, Dejun, you either get us out of here or I swear I will kick this door down!” Knowing the reason why she is here doesn’t make her feel any better. All of this just for her to admit that she’s Loveless Anon? Not a chance. She won’t stay here to make a fool of herself or die in the process. “Are you fucking out of your minds?”

“Well, everything with you guys has always started with a closet, so.” Chaeryeong is so dead for doing this to her— “I’ll give you seven minutes. If nothing happens, well, we’ll quit and accept we are just being stupid. If something happens, you’re welcome.”

“Chae!” Banging her fist against the door, she doesn’t hear anything else more than footsteps and the start of a timer, making her sigh deeply.

“Something to tell me?” Kunhang questions, voice low and soft before releasing a scoff. “Okay, you can tell me whatever. I won’t judge you. I just don’t want to suffocate in here because I think I’ve been here for five minutes or so and I’m—”

“I—I don’t know what to tell you!” She replies back, taking a seat next to him on the flooring before crossing her legs. “It’s really nothing. Like, it’s not a big deal.”

Turning to her, face closer than ever, he sighs through his nostrils. “They think it’s a big deal. So, it should be…”

“Listen, it’s…” With the scent of him engulfing her and her heart racing inside her chest, she thinks about how much of a coward she has been. Closed up and pulling away from him, even not saying anything to him that one time they kissed years ago. It was as if it didn’t happen, afraid of the consequences to the point she never tried to understand what that kiss meant. “You know, I’ve always…shit, I don’t know how to say this.”

“Just say it.” Kunhang laughs, using the back of his hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead. “I promise I won’t judge. Unless it’s something really bad.”

What does he consider really bad?

“I’ve been confused for years. I thought that…that I’d never like someone for a long period of time. I guess, I wouldn’t ever be interested in someone for more than a week and it made me feel like the biggest bitch. And not in the good sense,” Turning to look at him, she rakes her eyes over his features. Twinkling eyes, rosy lips and understanding nature. “So, what did I do? I pushed myself away from ever feeling like that and I would’ve been perfectly fine with it had it not been for that one time at that party when I was curious to kiss you. I did, as you can remember.”

Kunhang lets his gaze fall down to her lips, chuckling in the process. Soft. Tender. “I do, of course.”

“And this is bad, really bad, but I compared every kiss after to you and part of me always wondered, as I was kissing other men, if I would only like to be kissed by you or how could I teach someone to kiss me like you did…and I’d feel even worse.” Her voice becomes duller, fluttering eyelashes from endless blinking. “So, that night you told me it wasn’t my fault, I was curious, again. I couldn’t believe that I was still stupid enough to be hung up on you, but I couldn’t talk about this with anyone. Shit, Yukhei is one of your best friends…”

“You really thought of me as your best kiss?” Kunhang questions, pointing with his index finger towards his taut chest. She nods once.

“I really thought I could learn how to come to terms with the fact that romance and kissing isn’t that big of a deal if I just talked to someone like you. You’re so relaxed all the fucking time and…” This time around, her throat contracts, not finding the words to say. Her eyelids close tightly when she breathes out: “I became Loveless Anon, because I wanted to know your opinion about it.”

For one second, Kunhang remains silent, a house of cards that has fallen onto the weight of realization, but then, laughter comes from him, barely audible when he shakes his head.

“I knew you were Loveless Anon.”

She widens her eyes at that, inspecting his impressed features. “You did?”

“The speech was the same as yours. And you only replied at times when I know you weren’t working or studying. It had to be you. Same issues, too.” Who would have thought that Kunhang would have guessed it from the beginning? “I didn’t want to believe it at first…but when I started to reply to you more often, I just knew. Every time I pressed enter on those messages, I thought of you.”

“Holy fuck.” She whispers, covering her face with her hands as sweet laughter leaves her lips. “I was mortified, Kunhang.”

His fingertips wrap around her wrists, uncovering her face when he beams at her face “Why? Why? You shouldn’t have been stressing out about this.” He whispers, cradling both hands in between his. “I should be the one stressing out because I never said anything either—and I really liked that kiss back then, too.”

“You don’t have to say it just because I did.” She laughs, trying to shrug the embarrassment that creeps up on her away. It’s impossible for him to have thought of that kiss in a closet to be something he enjoyed, much more compared with the number of women that were in his life during college after. “It’s okay, really. You’re just a really good kisser and you should know that—”

His arm wraps around her waist, bringing her forward to rest his lips against hers, his chest to hers when he turns to left to peck her lips softly. Delicately. Her eyes are barely closed by the time he pulls away, though from the brief glimpse of light from under the door, she can see that his eyelids have denied her the benefit of looking into his powerful eyes.

What she doesn’t expect is for him to press another softer, longer peck to her lips, her hands melting against his touch and resting on his chest, curling onto his side when she’s the one to pull away this time. Her sweater becomes his axis, curled into his fist when he leans in one last time, a sharp intake of breath following his actions when he deepens the kiss, his free hand resting on her shoulder, caressing the skin over the fabric.

Her own hands end up on his long hair, lips melting against her own, dancing with fervor, necessity, yet not picking up his pace—as if he has all the time in the world and he would rather spend it with her. Her fingertips go lower, to his jawline, burning skin scalding her own, sharp under her touch when he softly breathes against her skin, a sound captured on the back of his throat.

“You’re stupid, you know that?” He says over her lips, making her chuckle before resting another peck on his skin, hiding her face on his neck soon after.

“What a thing to tell a girl after you’ve kissed her.”

“I could’ve been kissing you since way before this, but you had to make things complicated.” His fingers tingle against her skin, even when he’s still holding her waist above the thick hoodie, and when she pulls away, she hears him speak again, timbre low. “Still as good as you remembered it?”

“Just as good.”

“Not better?”

“You’re still very patient. I’ve always liked that.” She grasps his face in between her hands, looking into his eyes. “No one kisses like that anymore.”

“Is this the ‘getting the guy I’m dating’s ego as big as Jupiter’ challenge?”

Her eyebrows frown at his words, his lips dancing along her own once again, spine curved the slightest to join him in the middle before laughter interrupts their kiss. “Since when am I dating someone?”

“Oh, right now.” Kunhang’s confidence, ever-present, becomes apparent when he pats her ribcage. “You can’t just expect a guy not to want to date you, the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a while, when you tell him he’s the best kiss you’ve ever had.” He shrugs. “You owe me four years of dates and kissing.”

“Okay, alright. Fair. You’ve got yourself a deal.”

“And we get to kiss on places outside a closet.” Kunhang stipulates. “I’m sweating my ass off.”

“That’s so romantic.” Sarcastically, she adds, only to hear keys dangling outside the closet.

“You guys have talked it out?” Dejun asks from the other side of the door, only to have Kunhang standing up, knocking on the door.

“Yeah.” He says, pressing his forehead to the door. “But you better open this door up before you have a talk with the foot that I’m going to put up your ass.”

“Alright. Talk time is over. Time to let the dogs out.” Dejun tells someone, presumably Chaeryeong, before he opens the door to the closet, not missing out on the way Kunhang wraps his arm around his neck and keeps him locked in place. “Ow!”

“Are you crazy?!”

“You two talked it out! I had to do it!”

“That was the stupidest idea you could have, Dejun.” She adds, crossing her arms across her chest. “You’ve now downgraded to the Dumber position in the trio.”

Or, the methods weren’t just the best…but at least, she can say one thing.

Wong Kunhang is still the best kisser she has gotten the chance to try.

[haifengg]

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) Lucas can’t really go without affection. He needs a smooch at least before he leaves the house or when he says goodbye on dates. He wants to be reminded that their S/O loves him and that he loves them. It’s as easy as this.

B = Before (What were they like when they had a crush?) Dude would try to impress. With bad jokes. With flexing his guns. He would always ask his crush if they want to come with him and the guys to do whatever. And if they agree he wouldn’t really be able to hide his excitement. It would light a spark of pure joy in his eyes. It would be very obvious really.

C = Confession (What was their confession like?) Regardless of his looks and height Lucas still is a very childish man and he’s not that old either. I would honestly go that far and say that during his life he wasn’t the one confessing often. He usually got confessed to. So when it is actually his turn he would probably get all shy around his crush and he maybe asked Kun for advice as well on how to tell them and what to say since he is not the very best with words.

D = Date (What was the first official date they went on?) I am guessing something cheesy. Lucas may or may not be a romantic person but being all nervous about fulfilling expectations and doing a solid job he would take their S/O out to go an amusement park. He is a child really and his sometimes subtle playfulness is probably what attracts his S/O to him as well.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) Please don’t come for me on this one but I recon he would choose a text. As I mentioned in section C = Confession I imagine him being this popular kid in school everyone had a crush on at least once a week. (We’ve all seen the pics he’s adorable.) That being said he maybe got too used to dumping people interested in him. I won’t say it is the same with his S/O as it was with high school sweethearts but he might just fall back into old patterns due to convenience. Breaking up would still hurt him and still be difficult.

F = Fights (What would fights look like? What are things that upset them?) Honestly: Fights with Lucas would be a pain mainly because he doesn’t see where he’s wrong or what the issue exactly is. He is a very loyal person once fully committed but maybe not the most understanding one.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) His emotional way is very gentle. His physical way in terms of hugs and holding hands is too. Simple mind - Simple showings off affection other things we don’t discuss here it is SWF, please

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Just like Johnny his arms are insanely long and wrapping them tightly around his S/O is just way to nice to not do it constantly.

I = Intimacy (What is their favorite form of intimacy? Do they have problems with it?) He knows why he’s in SM. He got casted off the streets for his looks. He also really radiates the vibes of only being there for the fun and the people only. Lucas is very confident in the way he looks and he is aware of how many thousand people find him insanely attractive. I am pretty sure there are close to no problems when it comes to intimacy but that is something very personal because we know that everyone has at least one issue with themselves which we sometimes could never tell.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) He gets jealous. Not much but he does in general. I am not sure how exactly that would display or how he would show it but overall: Yes he does.

K = Kisses (Are they a good kisser? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) I hope he is. Okay no honestly, hear me out lmao. Lucas ... is either very excellent at kissing or he isn’t. I just look at him and I really hope he is because that would be so grate and elevate him one step closer to being the complete package. He meets the height requirements. He has the hands to hold his S/O. He surely has the lips as well. Which is also where they like to kiss/be kissed the most.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) Lucas is the perfect personality type for getting along well with kids. He is goofy enough to play around with them and fun and fool but he is also calm enough to not out-child them and keep an eye on them. He is guiding their playfulness in a way only a few people can.

M = Messages (How often do they text his S/O?) He texts them A LOT when he’s bored. During practice or some random meeting he would get distracted by his phone and text them about how bored he is. Also he would often take pictures or snaps of stupid little things he wants to show them but they’re not around. Speaking of SnapChat: Filters.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Nights out in clubs are hot and fun. Nights out in bars (if they are dates) are hot. Nights out in movie theatre would be so much fun. He would totally get this slushies that turn your tongue in different Colors but would also hold his S/O during scary parts of the movie even though he’s scared himself. Acting all tough

O = Opinion (Would they ask for their S/O’s opinion a lot? How important is it in terms of decisions?) He would ask for their opinion but mainly because he thinks he has to or that they would want to be ask. If it’s about his personal matters. When it comes to mutual decisions it’s different because well of course he asks for his S/O opinion. What they say matters to him and he wants both of them to be comfortable. So when they say that sofa is ugly - it’s ugly.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) Getting on his nerves is quite hard I assume. He probably would be the one getting on his S/O’s nerves (most of the time by accident tho.) If it’s something about them that actually bothers him he will be patient and ask them to maybe change that behaviour for a long time before actually admitting how much it is bothering him and eventually raising his voice.

Q = Quizzes (How does a bar trivia night teamed up with them look like?) A complete mess. Lucas once admitted he is not the smartest one and I adore people who are aware of that and own it in their own way. He would still try his best to not let his S/O and maybe other teammates down. BUT he is still an important part of the team: The one who chugs everything for the sake of the cause. IDK I just see him being able to drink a lot. He radiates this frat boy energy help

R = Remember (How much do they remember about their S/O or their relaitonship in general?) Lucas does his best but he is forgetting a lot. He writes it down in his phone. For example there could be a list for his S/O's family member’s birthdays and all their important anniversaries. He may still forget them tho. When it comes to memory Lucas knows it’s not his forté but he is trying hard.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) He is maybe one of the most protective boyfriends you will find in whole NCT. He shields his S/O from wind or rain, he corners them in crowded subways. He flags and gets in cabs first. He will shove between his S/O and other guys dancing at clubs casually so they don’t notice. He will tell people to fo k off if they are obviously bothering his S/O. He does it all.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) He might be sloppy with everyday chores but he will rather often take his S/O on spontaneous coffee dates or bring home take out aka steal something from the dorm Kun cooked.

U = Unique (What makes them unique as a S/O?) What makes Lucas unique as a S/O is definitely his awareness of his ... stupidity? Now I can see people coming for me for saying this but he once said he is not very smart and he is probably correct about that. His abilities lay more in the practical and emotional/empathic area. So what makes him special is is ability to pull his S/O’s guard down. If they come home from work super stressed he will put their mind at ease by simply talking to them about not so heavy or challenging topic. He will be their save heaven. A place where they don’t need to pretend or to impress. Lucas loves his S/O 190% for their character or quirks and maybe even for their intellect as well but he doesn’t compete with it and is real about himself.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) SO. MUHC. He has sloppy days tho but they will mostly never catch him with greasy hair or anything. And also he is in shape and plans to stay that way.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without their S/O?) He would. If he is not with them for a long time he can feel how he is losing his inner center or balance. Lucas would be fine on his own but honestly exactly just fine.

X = X-Ray (How transparent are they?) Lucas is an open book. He can’t hide anything and he is so easy to fool on like April 1st or some prank they want to play on him. If he’s feeling down they’ll see it. If he’s happy they’ll know it. if he truly loves them it will be on the local news.

Y = Yuck (Everyone has flaws. What is theirs?) Bruh okay. Well. He leaves his underwear everywhere. Or his socks. and he leaves the toilet seat up.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) Being asleep he grabs everything and pulls it in close. There is no escape. And I feel like he will wander towards the mid of the bed so if their S/O is avoiding being hold custody they will have no where to go but the sofa or wake him up.

Gif is not mine

Taglist

@jeonghanmoon @kpopsnowball @pocky-otp @himitsu-luna @soleilsuhh @dundun-baby

Masterlist

[songofsongs214]

Hi friends, I’ve got some thoughts I wanted to share. And for the record I’m loving all of our speculations, analysis, and the fact that we’re all freaking out over a 3 second promo 😂 I love this show.

So let’s discuss this whole undercover Lucy story we’ve got going.

First off, I will say that I’m not a fan. It was hard watching those scenes where Lucy’s ptsd was triggered and the “party scene” meh. Could have gone without. Although, Lucy is a badass and Tamara there added a dilemma I wasn’t counting on. I didn’t think Nyla would go that far but probably necessary. I honestly enjoyed Tim and Nolan more in that episode.

So now that I’ve got my bias out of the way , it makes sense to me for Lucy’s character to go into this arc. This character has been wanting to prove herself since the pilot. We knew from her backstory that she was floating though life with no direction and was fighting for her parent’s approval. So then She joined the police academy, met Nolan and Jackson and finally found that support and encouragement she was craving. Then she dated Nolan. Which makes total sense she gravitated toward an older man who was in the same place in life as her. He was recently found and found companionship there.

Now as we go through season 1, the dynamic with Tim is established. Now I think there was an attraction with the characters but both didn’t really want to acknowledge it and subconsciously never considered it (now us as the fans watching it know better lol). Lucy is a natural born test taker so she complained so much about his tests and some of those Tim tests were pretty unkind but they trained her to perform well under that kind of pressure. I think her character secretly not so secretly loved it. She thrives from the banter, the push-pull, pranks, and ultimately the challenge. It was what we enjoyed the most as an audience and it bonded her and Tim without them even knowing it.

Another aspect of Lucy Chen is that this woman craves a stable loving romantic relationship. Peppered throughout seasons 1 and 2 she makes multiple comments about romantic relationships and how she is upset that she’s still single ( honesty pretty realistic for this age group considering I find myself personally in this boat 😂). Then Caleb happens.

She is tortured, branded and buried alive. This is a huge trauma and I wonder if the writers took the route of showing her suffering through her trauma in a more subtle way and realistic. I work with trauma survivors pretty regularly and a common thread is that trauma affects more than just the physical parts of an individual. One sign of there being existing trauma is numbing. Lucy went forward with Emmett and she physically was present with him but not emotionally. Which is why I think he broke up with her. And Tim calls this out into the light too. She jumps into work and continues to excel with Tim tests and feels a little less alone when she glimpses the softer side of Tim and feels safe enough to share parts of herself.

Then, her first taste of undercover work. From the outside it looks exciting, fulfilling, dangerous and requires a high level of skill and improvising. It’s appealing as hell because not everyone can do it; it’s for a select group of people. Shes drawn to it because it makes her important. It gives more meaning in her mind. She is someone unique and it makes her traumas obsolete or even an asset to her.

That “confession” to Tim was a turning point in her relationship with Tim. Not only was he starting to consider it and reflect on his feelings for her, she did too. All those reasons were too specific to just pull out of her bum. Plus it was prpbobally easier and less scary for her to say these things she was prpbobally already thinking on a controlled way where she was in control and hoodwinked him. Then that beautiful scene in the garage. Tim gives her exactly what she needs and continues to be her encourager and she got to end with a flips bomb, a bit of fun.

Then she graduated from the fto program. She knows what happened to her during this program and she feels an accomplishment. Then her mom and her have that scene. Not only is her mom disappointed in her, but she invalidates who she is based on the choices she’s made. That would break any person. Because it’s not just they don’t like her job they don’t like her. They love her but won’t support her.

Which brings us to these crop of episodes. Lucy looks up to Nyla. And she remembers how she helped her after she came back to patrol. She sees the undercover world as a challenge and something she can make people proud. It was very telling to me to hear the dialogue with Grey that she “wouldn’t let him down”. Grey makes it a point to tell her you don’t have to do that. But she’s already in that mindset.

Again the natural born test taker in her takes over when Nyla starts to test her. And that narcotics guy was honestly a shadow of Tim Bradford. ( no offense to the actor, just not a fan of the character). He wasn’t set up for me that I would want to get to know him better. Tim Bradford was a much more hardened character who spiraled out the first half of season 1, but I always wanted to know more. This guy: no thanks you can go now.

Finally, this character wants to do undercover because honestly in her mind she doesn’t have anything else going on. She’s still a cop but like “the elite kind” doing this mission. She’s proving to herself that Caleb didn’t “ruin her” ( I read that in a fan fiction, it belongs to Emma). Her trauma has meaning. She wants to prove herself and she doesn’t have a romantic relationship that she cares about and no backing from her parents. I think she’s realizing her feelings for Tim, but that’s all it is at this point ( oh the slow 🔥). It’s a realization. Now this wedding will reveal to her and Tim maybe there’s more that she can do with her life than be another person to feel like herself.

In conclusion, Lucy’s character would be drawn to undercover but we as an audience have seen so many examples of how undercover work ruined people’s lives. Starting with Isabelle then Nyla and now Mack. But I think it’ll take some time for Lucy to see it for herself, because to her she thinks she’s invincible and it won’t happen. Which is why we need this not to be a seris finale, there’s too much to get into.

And my plea is that everyone who has loved the rookie would watch on Sunday and on streaming sites after to boost those ratings to the highest it could be. Because even if we all get clowned on Monday, if we get another season there’s more story to see.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk :)

[eclecticvalor]

7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me. 

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V,  and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception. 

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays. 

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case. 

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof. 

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms. 

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was. 

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways. 

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control. 

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states. 

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria. 

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of:  “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

 7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this. 

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder. 

[aenxiome]

Chapter 5: inter-dimensional super spy

It doesn't take long for Jazz to get me signed out of school and on the way back to Fenton Works. All it took was a little bit of manipulation on Jazz's part. Or what she would rather call " a practical use of psychology," but either way, she got me out. All it took was for her to hall me up to the office and rattle on about how close I was to the last ghost fight and that I had suffered a shock. She played with the office staff as if they were a soft putty in the palm of her hand.

She can be rather scary when she gets an idea in her head. Unfortunately for her, in my opinion, she has to be back in the building in thirty minutes or less. If not, she will be counted as skipping, and that would tarnish her excellent record. So as soon as we both were buckled in the car, she started rushing as if she was a madwoman. It doesn't matter how many times I try to talk to her. That impenetrable focus of hers just won't budge. The only conversation I managed to have with her was right before we turned onto the street before our neighborhood.

" So what is the plan," she asks, interrogating me. I tap my fingers along the side of the window as I search for an answer. The silence that I created didn't bode well for me as soon after we pulled into the driveway. " So," she asks again, " the plan? How are you going to get to the FarFrozen?" Turning towards her with a mixture of pink and green shining through my cheeks, I admit, " I didn't think about that." Jazz leans back into her seat dramatically as she says, " Well, you were obviously thinking about something." she crosses her arms while glancing at my fingers, " you were tapping your fingers relentlessly the whole way here."

I couldn't help the look that came onto my face when I looked at her. How could one of the smartest people I know be so clueless sometimes? " I was more worried about how I'm going to manage to sneak down to the lab and into the Zone without either one of them noticing me. I know they aren't all that observant when it comes to either one of us, but I would think they would notice me unlocking the portal and skipping on through." I tell her sarcastically. As soon as the words left my mouth, she blanched a bit at the thought.

" I came up with a plan," being a bit disappointed with my usefulness, ``I can barely stop myself from grinding my teeth as I spit out, "but I'm going to need some help to pull it off." At the word help, Jazzs' complexion brightened considerably, showing herself to be eager at the thought of being useful. We talk for a minute, just getting the kinks of the plan out of the way before we notice the time. Jazz only has ten minutes to get back. With no hesitation, She forces me out of the car, practically pushing me out on my butt, and is rushing back down the street to school. Leaving me sitting alone in the middle of the driveway.

After sitting for a moment disconcerting at the situation, I get up, brush myself off, and head over towards the front door. Once I get to the door, I stick my head in intangible and look around the room, hoping it is empty, which doesn't make the top ten of my wisest decisions. Using my ability made a tightening sensation go through my core, causing it to throb, knocking the wind out of me. As soon as I confirm that no one is near the door, I slip inside and drop the intangibility. I then go to lean up against the door for a moment. I stay there for a bit to catch my breath and then continue to my bedroom. Getting there was a bit of a challenge as I maneuvered over the stairs' squeaky spots, hoping not to get caught.

As soon as I got to my room, I flopped down onto the bed in contempt wis-, getting a little bit of a reprieve, not that I expected the peace to last for long in the first place. So I spent a little time before the plan turned into action, getting ready for my voyage through the Zone. I rummaged through the room, looking for a spare bag that I wouldn't mind messing up, and started to pack. Among my supplies is a first aid kit, a bottle of Motrin, which I may or may not have taken a couple of beforehand, along with a sweatshirt and a change of clothes. You never know when you are going to need them. Then, leaving extra room in the bag for a few weapons I plan to take from the lab, I close it up and relax, waiting for the signal.

I started to zone out, and soon enough, I was beginning to nod off to sleep until I heard the echo of the phone ringing throughout the house. On the second ring, the phone stopped, and a voice echoed, calling, " MADDIE! GRAB THE FENTON ANTI-CREEP STICK; THERE IS A GHOST ATTACKING THE SCHOOL!" A few moments later, I could hear rushing echoing footsteps coming from below and the yell of, " NO GHOST CAN WIN AGAINST A FENTON!" then the slamming of the front door and the loud start of the GAV, or the Ghost Assault Vehicle as it is also known, leaving the driveway.

I wait a minute or two just to ensure they aren't coming back before I rush down the stairs and into the kitchen. I search the cabinets for anything I can take without it being noticeable. I end up groaning to myself in annoyance. The only things I can find are an old granola bar and a bruised apple. I would attempt to fight the food from inside the refrigerator, but I am short on time. There is only so much trouble that the Ectopi and Boxxy can make before my parents give up or capture them.

When I go down the stairs and into the lab, I immediately head towards the weapons rack. Hoping to find some type of non-lethal device. Usually, I would just stick to using a normal Fenton Thermos, but when Jazz left to go back to school, I handed it over so she could let the ghosts out. Thankfully Dad never throws things away and keeps all of the "Malfunctioning" inventions in the throwaway drawer. I found one soon enough and then moseyed on over to the currently closed Fenton Portal.

Once I flipped up the safety on the genetic lock and let it scan my thumb, the portal doors opened and encased me in the softly glowing green light of ectoplasmic radiation. The energy pouring out came straight towards me and started wrapping me up in it. The feeling is comforting, almost as if being snuggled up in a blanket or receiving a hug. Like my icy issue, this is also a new development, but not a concerning one. I tried to explain the feeling to my friends and sister, but none of them seem to understand how I feel. Since then, I have tried not to bother them too much about these types of things. I know they mean well, but sometimes the way they look at me when I tell them these kinds of things makes my core hurt.

One day after school, right before I left the building, Sidney Poindexter cornered me in a hall and tried to explain what had started happening. According to him, it was just an instinct that came with being a ghost. All ghosts, even halfas or something else in between, will feel the need to go back to the zone. The world of the living doesn't have enough ectoplasm to sustain us for long. We need ectoplasm just like humans need oxygen to breathe. It's what keeps us going.

Some ghosts end up feeding off human emotions to help sustain themselves and stay on this side for as long as they can. This is one of the reasons places like schools get attacked so much. With so many people around, a ghost can stay in one place for longer. Most ghosts feed off of darker emotions. Spectra, for example, likes to feed on depressing emotions and cause despair wherever she goes. Others may like to feed on other types of emotions like anger, happiness, or confusion. Unlike those who prefer to feed off of humans constantly, I need to get my ectoplasm from the zone; it's self. With the portal in the house and initially staying open almost continuously, I didn't feel the zone's pull. Now though, is an entirely different issue.

If I don't go in the zone periodically, I will unconsciously pull myself towards the closest portal, stable or unstable. It doesn't seem to matter to me in those moments, but the results of going in one of them could be catastrophic. I almost let myself be pulled into one without realizing it. The only reason I'm not a pile of goo in the middle of the earth is because of Clockwork dragging me away from it and into a portal of their own. According to them, it was a close call. Since then, I have tried to go in for a couple of hours every couple of weeks just because, sometimes more when I get the time to slip away. Though I still haven't figured out why it would start to affect me now when I am already stable. I am around ectoplasm a lot more than I used to be.

Shaking away my thoughts, I gaze into the swirling green pool and step into the Ghost Zone. Once my foot goes through the veil, the energy I didn't know I needed starts to flow through me, relieving some of the pain in my core.

Exiting the portal and going onto the small attached island, I can admire my surroundings. Greeting me is the swirling green atmosphere that can only be found in the zone and faraway purple doors, along with other various lairs and floating islands. I only stayed there for a small moment before taking a tentative step towards the edge of land beneath me. Without hesitation, I walk off the edge and drop off into the unknown. Instead of falling, the lack of gravity has me floating in place. I look behind me at the ledge as a lightbulb starts to go off in my head. I land back on the island and position myself on the shelf with my back facing the space. I bend my knees and propel myself towards the middle of the zone.

I position myself to float along on my back and let the ambient ectoplasm take me towards the Farfrozen. At first, the journey was incredibly peaceful, with nobody else being anywhere near me, but that didn't last for long. Once I got near the doors, it was like the start of a feeding frenzy. All types of animal ghosts took their chance to get at me. Trying to grab a piece of me to bite into and drag me off to who knows where. There is no way for me to suck all of them up into a single thermos with so many of them. My only hope is to somehow force my way through them.

I punch and kick at them, trying to get them to go away, but that only seems to make them more vicious in their attack. Then all of a sudden, I heard and felt the sharp, sudden crunch coming from my left shoulder. Without me noticing, a ghost in the shape of a bear managed to get behind me. They sunk their teeth into my shoulder, holding me in a ( kinda?) death grip. They shook its head, shaking my body all over the place. Blood and ectoplasm cascade down my chest and back, staining my now ripped clothing. With them attacking from behind, I am stuck, unable to dislodge myself from their mouth. The attack continues for a couple more moments, with other animal ghosts taking the opportunity to grab other parts of me. A cat here, and some kind of canine there, it wasn't long until I was indistinguishable from a chew toy.

All of a sudden, there was a blast of ectoplasm rushing by my head. The blast struck the bear in the head, and it immediately let me go. Soon there was another fired in my direction, along with a loud blast of energy. The energy attacks the animals and propels them off of me and tumbling into doors and each other. When one of the smaller ones came back for a second try, I attempted to set off an ectoblast of my own. However, instead of being a simple blast, it came off as a long-drawn-out beam and pelted into it. The action came with the after effect of my core feeling as if it had been pulled apart like string cheese, along with a weird feeling lingering in my hand. The hand that shot the beam started feeling like static as if it was being poked with pins and needles. The feeling didn't last long, though. It was as if the feeling was there for one moment but gone the next.

The mix of attacks sent all of the animals flying away, licking at their wounds, and me staring in a mixture of gratefulness and disbelief at my rescuers. Finally, at a nearby door floats Skulker and Ember looking just as confused at me as I am at them. "Babypop?" Ember exclaims, baffled. Rubbing at my wounds, I give her an embarrassed look before addressing them, " Hey guys, thanks for the save." The two of them, still looking confused at the situation, come closer towards me until they are just an arm's length away. " Welp," Skulker greets me, and before he can continue, Ember cuts him off " what's with the human look?" Ironically, Skulker and I both huff in tangent at her abrasive question. I ponder for a moment, wondering what I should tell them. While they both helped me out, they did it without knowing that it was me in the first place. Not to mention there is no guarantee that they won't attack if they think that I am unable to protect myself. On the other hand, though, while not exactly friends with Ember, we are still somewhat friendly to one another.

A semi-friend, maybe?

Skulker is more of an on-again, off-again frenemy, so there is no telling what he may do. In the end, I decided to go with a combination of the truth and a partial omission. Looking around before answering just to double-check for any eavesdroppers before leaning over towards Skulker, " You remember the ice thing from a couple of days ago?" He nods, " Yeah, but what does that have to do with this?" he asks, gesturing to me. I obvert my eyes as I admit, " It stayed," cocking his head to the side in confusion, I decided to elaborate, " I went late in the afternoon back over there, and it was just like how it was that morning." His eyes widened in understanding, " It didn't melt?" he asks astounded, " not even a little bit?" Getting up with a groan, I confirm, " not a single crystal of it." Looking gobsmacked, he places a hand on his chin muttering to himself while Ember looks between us, confused. Finally, getting sick of our conversation, she pries us, " What are you two going on about? What Ice? What's happening?"

Skulker waves her off, telling her, "it's a bro code thing, babe," while she sulks and turns away. She heads back to her door, but before she goes in, she calls out to us, " take your bromance somewhere else" turning to look at Skulker, she adds, "I'll see later," and with a wink, she is gone. He turns back to me with his arms crossed and prods some more, " and what does it have to do with the looking human thing?" Running my hand through my hair, I admit, " when I went back, I was able to get rid of it, but it messed me up. I can't do the "be a ghost" thing until I figure out what exactly I messed up."

Squinting his eyes at me, he questions, " and you are here to do what exactly?" I rub my eyes in annoyance and can't help but think that this is why he is stuck taking orders from Vlad; does he ever think for himself? Not having the guts to say so to his face, I reply with, " To get to the Farfrozen, of course." He hums in understanding before coming closer, grabbing me by the waist and throwing me over the shoulder. The impact came with throbbing pain. The bites of the animals had yet to heal, and the rough impact and chilled feeling of Skulkers isn't helping. " W-what are you doing!" I shout in shock, "let me go!" I continue to yell as I try to release myself. My moving about only made my discomfort increase and cause bodily fluids to drip onto him. " Would you stop all the squirming" he growls, " I'm just giving you a bit of a lift"

" A lift?" I interrogate, letting some skepticism slip into my voice. Finally, he makes a noise of agreement before rushing off towards the Farfrozen. We continue for a while before he slows his pace and eventually stops and heads towards a floating island. Then, letting me down, he announces, " this is where I leave you." I started to thank him, but right before, I couldn't help but notice where we stopped. " You're going to leave me here?!" I say accusingly, " Right in front of Walker's prison!"

" What is he more likely to notice? The both of us speeding past or one a welp crawling on by? I may want my prey in top condition for a hunt," he says, staring at me, " but I'm not willing to put myself in his path to get that. Getting past here is something you have to do on your own. Be thankful I took you this far in the first place." Feeling rightfully chastised, a sense of guilt starts to set in. After all, he didn't have to help me. He chose to. "I'm sorry," I say, trying to apologize for my behavior, but he dismisses my words, " Just try not to get caught welp. Once you're better, the fight for your pelt can resume." With a crooked smile, he flies off back towards his own lair and out of danger.

As soon as Skulker left my sight, I rushed off towards a large rock and took cover. With Walker and his goons being as slimy as they are, there is no telling if they will show up. Thankfully the island Skulker left me at is full of trees with heavy foliage, rocks, and other large objects. So there are plenty of places to hide behind. I start to hesitate right before I enter an open area. Good thing, too, because just as I was about to go across, a few of the prison guards were flying by checking the area. That was a close one ' come on, Danny, stop chickening out,' I tell myself. The safest way is just to act as if you are walking across the street: stop, look both ways, and rush across to safety.

INTERMISSION (Kids take note: it is unsafe to go across streets on your own. Please make sure to take a grown-up with you. Don't be reckless like Danny)

From the get-go getting from place to place was a nightmare, having to look over my shoulder constantly. The longer I wait in one place, the more paranoid I become. Some of the bite marks have already started to heal, but some of the more severe ones, like the shoulder, continue to bleed. If I'm not careful, I could leave a blood trail and lead Walker and his goons right to me.

When going from place to place, I stay on the tips of my toes, hoping to cause the least amount of noise possible. I go from a tree, to rock, to a bush, and then whatever else I can fit behind. At the moment, I am behind what looks to be a pile of old sheet metal. How it got here is anyone's clue. I look all around and listen for anyone nearby. Once I conclude that the area is clear, I hurriedly tip-toe across to a push while muttering, ' I'm an interdimensional super-spy, SUPER SPY' and continue on my way. I do so repeatedly as I go from place to place.

I got near the end of the island and was almost out of sight of the prison when I heard it. The whispering of orders coming not far behind me. I check over my shoulder, and hidden in the background were lingering figures in police uniforms doing a horrible job of blending in. They really need to take some tips from the ghost chameleons. I book it across the rest of the island, not even attempting to hide anymore. I'm about three-quarters of the way across when I hear one of the goons telling the others that I'm getting away. I end up uncontrollably laughing as I make my way to the other side as I recite in a singsong voice, " I'm an interdimensional super spy. SUPER SPY!" Unfortunately for them, they don't even get the chance to catch up. By the time they end up by the edge, I am already out in the open and outside of their lairs' area of control. All they can do is float there and watch as I fly away.

[lady-griffin]

ANIME SPECULATION

As I brought up in an earlier post (x), one issue I have with the anime is that I feel at times it can lack dynamic tension and certain scenes can feel passive.

BUT I think there is a good chance that the anime might be doing some of it on purpose.

There are certain scenes in the Manga and Light Novels that while the anime  also has them as well, it doesn’t really show what the Manga/Light Novels emphasize, particularly when it comes to certain characters.

SPOILERS BELOW SPOILERS BELOW SPOILERS BELOW

Out of all the characters in the anime, I think it’s safe to say that Geordo has been lacking the dynamic feel that he had in both the Manga and Light Novels.

Which has felt weird to me.

Geordo is a dynamic character and we often see the Real Geordo in regards to Katarina or just underneath the surface when interacting with his friends/rivals. His frustration, jealousy, annoyance...etc.

He’s not the perfect fairytale prince people assume him to be. But for the most part in the anime, we haven’t really seen much of a contradiction to that idea.

We haven’t seen the Black-Hearted Prince that the anime has brought up more than once (because the LN/Manga also brings it up).

I first wondered if this was because the anime lacks the same dramatic/emotional tension the Manga/LN have. But that didn’t make sense to me…or I guess, I hope it’s not true.

But due to the recent episode “I Had Fun Over Summer Vacation,” I am now considering something different.

Due to how the anime changed a significant scene with Sirius.

During the summer vacation Katarina runs into the Sirius at a ball, when she asks him if there’s anyone he’s interested in – he coldly and angrily responds to her. It scares Katarina, but he’s quickly back to his ‘normal self’ – so Katarina wonders if what she saw was really what she saw.

In the anime, Sirius doesn’t respond to Katarina like that at all. AT ALL. Their conversation is brisk and he doeshave an angry expression after Katarina leaves, but Sirius doesn’t lose his mask for even a second.

Which was surprising to me.

That scene (LN/Manga) is really the first scene that showed any sign that he had any capacity for animosity towards anyone, let alone Katarina, which eventually leads to the climatic confrontation.

On the other hand, though, it’s pretty obvious in the Manga/LN that Sirius or as we later learn, Raphael is the ‘bad guy’, and that scene is that one big indicator (if not the only).

I like the anime is still keeping things under wraps.

Because now (hopefully) when the characters express surprise that Sirius/Raphael is the one behind the attacks on Katarina, we the audience can relate to them and feel that surprise along with them.

I also really like the red herring aspect to Sirius in the anime, so far. There’s no indication he’s plotting any dark shit, but instead it comes across that he too is falling for Katarina (which technically is also true).

In the Manga and Light Novel, it isn’t really so much of a surprise that Sirius plays a much larger part than we thought or is the one behind things, once it’s indicated someone is behind everything. 

The real surprise, is how dark his story actually is. I’m still not over that shock of the transition of Funny/Happy Reverse-Harem story to HUMAN SACRIFICE. 

There’s also the red herring of the noble girls, standing afar from Sirius.

At first glance, it looks like these girls are planning something against Raphael or even Katarina.

It appears as though these girls are emitting some dark energy themselves. Or that it’s just a style-choice by the anime (it’s not, but I like that it could be ignored as just that).

Which is excellent in my opinion. The anime is building these girls about to be the main villains, but they are just the red herring to the real threat of Raphael. 

I just really like that the anime is building up to that. 

The anime isn’t showing the darker, tenser scenes of Raphael (that are in the LN/Manga) before he’s revealed to be who he is. Allowing for the big reveal to be a surprise and far more dramatic (I’m presuming).

Which brings us back to Geordo. 

Geordo has been pretty passive in his expressions and even commentary – especially in comparison to the Manga and Light Novels. 

For example, we don’t really get the shaded or heated arguments between him and Keith – that Katarina is oblivious to.

But because of the change in Raphael’s scene in the most recent episode, I got to thinking that maybe the anime is presenting Geordo that way because that’s how the majority of people see Geordo (in the world) as it is how he presents himself.

They don’t notice that Black-Hearted aspect of him, because he simply doesn’t display it.

And if that’s the case, then my interest is certainly piqued.

Because there are two scenes where Geordo’s emotions are the most important when it comes to him outwardly expressing them and him abandoning his Fairytale Prince mask (so to speak).

The Accusation Scene and The Infirmary Scene

In both scenes, Geordo is furious that people are trying to hurt Katarina or have succeeded in doing so.  

So, if what I think is happening, then I am very interested in those two scenes.

In the Manga and Light Novels, more or less they say (or imply) that seeing Geordo outwardly expressing his emotions or his persona slipping, is surprising to see. But it’s not.

Or more accurately, it’s not really surprising for the reader – because we’ve been seeing glimpses of it and even got a full tour, with his POV chapter in the first Novel.

But I wonder for the anime, instead of just telling us it’s a surprise to see Geordo lose control of his emotions and or his collected demeanor, we actually get to experience it firsthand.

Show over tell.

In the anime, we do still get a clear sense of the frustration laying underneath Geordo’s surface when he’s cockblocked by his rivals, but he still has his mask up. Possibly because as much as he’s frustrated, he’s not truly angry– like he would be if someone actually hurt Katarina.

If this is what the anime is doing, then the Accusation and Infirmary Scenes, when Geordo’s emotions are really out on display will definitely have an impact – because we haven’t seen that side of Geordo in the anime as of yet.

So, him outwardly expressing his anger will not exactly be a surprise, but hopefully will have the same impact for both the audience and characters.

I’m also, kind of, basing this speculation off this one screenshot.

This also makes me cautiously optimistic about the Bully Accusation Scene.

There is a lot I love about that scene in general (including some personal shit that gets me teary), but one thing I love is that Keith and Geordo are FURIOUS.

The two characters that Katarina had grown the closest two and formed pretty powerful bonds with, are also the same two people she is most scared of…in regards to their roles in her catastrophic endings.

BUT LOOK HOW MAD THESE TWO ARE

The idea that these two could ever harm or feel negatively towards Katarina (in this timeline) truly feels the most outlandish it has ever felt during this one scene.

Which I love the contrast, because this is the first time we’ve really seen the two pissed off and scary, so you would think that it does indicate some truth to what Katarina’s fears. BUT the only reason they are like this, is because of how much these two both love and adore Katarina. 

I would love to the anime to really emphasize how truly scary Keith and Geordo are when it comes to anyone going after Katarina.

Geordo because of his Fairytale Prince Persona and Keith, because well Keith is such a big sweetheart.

Also, there might a build up to Geordo losing his cool and collected demeanor.

There’s frustration underneath his pleasant surface when he’s interacting with his friends/rival, but there’s no reason for him to lose his composure. Geordo still believes he’s in control (so to speak).

Then in the Accusation Scene, he could very well still comes across calm and collected, while still being pissed and it showing. A scary ice-cold anger as Geordo’s still in control. 

Then, when Katarina is actually physically in danger, he loses control and punches the wall out in anger, because he wasn’t there to protect the person he cares most about. Despite everything he’s done, he wasn’t there when Katarina needed him. 

That’s my hope at least.

Now, maybe I’m giving the anime too much credit or maybe I’m projecting (unfairly) my own thoughts on what I think “should happen.”

But, nonetheless, I think it would be very smart  if the more passive Geordo in the anime is all for the sake of having impactful moments when Geordo is truly angry/upset. 

So, that’s my theory/speculation as where the anime might be going.