#blitz almost talks about his emotions

[caspira-writes-fanfiction]

Moonlit Confessions

(ao3 link in title)

Blitzø visits Stolas in the hospital, but only when he thinks Stolas doesn't know.

The room was warm despite the evident starlight coming through the draped windows that usually signaled that Stolas should be chilly. He’d been in and out of sleep for the past several days, waking only long enough to eat if prompted or make a few observations about his surroundings. He had been able to relatively consistently remember that daylight=warm. Moonlight=cold, but if asked what day it was or even where he was, Stolas would likely be unable to answer without help. He wasn’t even sure he could answer if asked, he hadn’t spoken aloud in ages.

The magic he had used during the full moon had exhausted him of all his energy. He didn’t fight the sleep when it came, he knew his role right now was to rest: it was the only way he would heal. He also hadn’t tried to fight himself into wakefulness too often. Usually he awoke only to reposition himself or fix the arrangement of his blankets. This time as he awoke, however, Stolas found that he had a much more difficult time moving. There was something in his arms.

With just one eye squinting itself open, only able to see a blur of red with black and white stripes, Stolas reasoned that he was clutching to Impy, his unfortunately named beloved childhood stuffed doll. He still had the doll tucked away with his other possessions. He came out of storage on rare occasions when Stolas needed extra comfort, such as periods of illness. Curious, he thought. Nobody had come to bring him anything, he hadn’t remembered Impy being among his possessions while in hospital. It was with a movement of his good hand up to the imp’s head that he realized he was touching flesh and not fabric. Two more of the prince’s eyes blink open. With increased cognizance, Stolas realized that he could feel the rise and fall of the other’s chest as he breathed. When his eyes adjusted, he recognized the brand mark from the imp circus, tucked carefully under the Goetia’s chin. Blitzy was here.

It almost felt like a dream and Stolas was happy to convince himself of that, but the smell of booze that became apparent as Stolas became more awake settled him into reality. A disorienting reality, one he didn’t entirely know how to make sense of, but one that Stolas couldn’t help but take comfort from in this moment. Blitzy was here, all of the other details were negligible.

Stolas was warm, he realized, because Blitz had pulled the blanket up over them when he’d snuck into bed. He was having trouble moving because Blitz’s tail was wrapped around the two of them twice over. His face was buried in Stolas’s chest feathers and his arms were wrapped under Stolas’s, clutching to his back. While Stolas woke thinking he was holding onto something, he now realized that he was the object that was being held onto. Stolas tried to move, only slightly, but was stopped when he heard Blitz shift protectively and grumble in his sleep.

“No” It wasn’t an angry or upset no. It was quiet, a bit playful, concerned. “Shh, no jus’….no. Don’ move.”

Blitz was still very much asleep. Stolas found the concern that Blitz showed in his unconscious state endearing. He could feel his heart swell, there was no doubt he was blushing. Blitzy cared for him, even if it was just a quiet shushing in his sleep. How could Stolas do anything but oblige?

“Alright.” Stolas’s voice was no more than a whisper. His good hand rested atop Blitz’s head, scratching gently between his horns. He pressed his lips to the other’s forehead and kept them there in a prolonged, tender kiss. Stolas found it quite easy to drift back into sleep with Blitz tangled up in his arms.

Stolas awoke again hours later when the sun was starting to rise. Blitz was trying to sneak out of bed, and doing so rather successfully until he fell out of it. Stolas was still rather disoriented, he decided to stay laying still. He could hear Bliz standing up, he could hear him grumble and brush himself off, then silence for several moments.

“You’re still fucking sleeping” Blitzø’s voice was quiet, and just slightly fuzzy around the edges. Stolas wondered how much Blitz drank before breaking in here to still be inebriated in the morning. He wondered how much time had actually passed.

Blitz stumbled, he sighed. “You should’ve woken up to that. Or this. You should be awake right now going ~Oh Blitzy~ with your big stupid fucking eyes. You’re not supposed to….You shouldn’t...You’re not…” His voice almost cracked, but he stopped and swallowed before allowing that to happen. It was a few moments before he spoke again. “I didn’t know you could get hurt.”

Blitzø didn’t outright apologize, but Stolas understood what he was trying to say. The air hung heavy in the room, the silence clinging to both of them uncomfortably. Blitz’s breath hitched and Stolas could feel all of the air from his lungs leave as his chest crushed in on itself. Blitzy was crying. This was exactly the moment that Stolas wanted to reach out and pull Blitzø back into his arms and hold him, but he knew this was exactly the sort of moment Blitz would never let anyone else see. He knew Blitz would run the moment Stolas showed him affection. Stolas stayed as still as he could, he remembered his breathing, he remained “sleeping” while Blitz regained his composure.

“You look like shit, Birdie.” Blitz sniffed, Stolas imagined he was wiping away tears before they fell. Blitzy never let anyone see him show such vulnerability. Stolas wanted to believe that these emotions were fueled by more than whatever Blitz had taken before coming here. Stolas felt the blanket over him move. Careful hands pulled the blanket back up around him and tucked him in. “You can’t fucking die, okay? That’s an order.” Stolas could feel something hover over his face. He couldn’t tell if it was Blitzø’s hand or his lips. He never learned, nothing ever made contact.

Blitz’s boots click towards the exit. “If you do I’ll….I’ll kill you again.” Three more clicks. “Fuck!” His voice is a whisper, the boots clicked on down the hall. Stolas didn’t hear any more from Blitz.

Stolas didn’t sleep very well the rest of the day. His chest ached in a way he didn’t know how to categorize. He stayed tearful, he couldn’t decide if his tears were happy or sad. Both, he supposed. More of one than the other at times. Stolas had never been more conflicted in his life. How had he gotten here? He knew the answer, it was a reality of his own making, but that didn’t make it any less confusing.

He may not know how things would play out between him and Blitzø, but knew one thing: he was going to stay alive. He had to, Blitz had asked him to.

[zarnzarn]

i see all these comments talking about this after the new episode, but. i would like to state for the record that stolitz isn't. toxic.

first off, the concept of a toxic and a healthy relationship are such... vague terms. when you're online, drenched in language and tight moral boundaries, trying to put a nuanced story like helluva boss's into boxes is easy to attempt and impossible to do.

a toxic relationship is one where one or both parties is maliciously affecting the other. I'm talking fetid, nasty, rude interactions where there is more hurt than love. they're unhappy more often than not when they're with their partner, there's no respect or give from the other side.

stolitz is nothing like that.

Stolas actively cares about Blitz and actually has no fear or hesitation in ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD TO OZZIE. he has been calling, texting, commenting, laughing and finding ways to spend time with Blitz. he's throwing everything he has to the wind, finding the courage to move forward with the divorce, putting everything he has into trying to keep him. he's been alone in a palace since he was born, on medication, with such less people dear to him that he remembered the circus boy who spent a day with him DECADES ago- so when blitz comes into his life and brings back in laughter and color and sex, he's holding on with everything he's got.

and blitz does care!!! he cares a LOT, the whole series we see him falling in love with stolas through SHOW NOT TELL (his expressions, his choices, his fear, his lashing out) and utterly unable to process that stolas cares about him too when talking to fizz; almost a desperate kind of denial-

cause yknow. the first time he tried to confess something to someone he really liked, he accidentally killed half the people he knew and ruined the lives of the rest?

thats gonna leave just a teensy impact on the will to express your emotions in the future, methinks.

even before that, he clearly felt like on some level that he was unworthy and he's said twice that he despises himself for the accident even though it wasn't actually his fault. being self aware doesn't stop the emotions from emotioning.

he keeps insisting its only sex so urgently to anyone who doesn't ask because he can't even imagine it being anything else. he's both disappointed and relieved when he repeats that stolas sees him as a novelty, because what else can it be?

(there's a whole other spiel of how brave both Stolas and Blitz have to be to say it out loud even when asmodeus can't afford to, considering how publically and completely beaten down both were at the club.)

(there's also another whole spiel about how frustrating it has been for ME to see all these comments over time with such bad takes based on like,, 20 min worth of info of a show that takes months to release an ep. like godDAMN have some patience?? let the story UNFOLD MAYBE? IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLANATION WHY WOULD YOU CRITICIZE THINGS THAT ARENT EVEN FINISHED ESPECIALLY AN INDIE ANIMATION- i digress)

mind you, this has NOTHING to do with abuse. an abusive relationship is one where one is actively harming the other with full awareness. Stella is an abuser and their marriage is abusive.

and stolitz isn't that; it isn't even unhealthy or toxic. it's a consensual, transactional fuckbuddy relationship that slid into something more for both of them.

but!!!!! one of the main reasons for the problems that everyone looks over is-

they're in a BDSM relationship.

I can't possibly delve into dynamics without making this a 10k research paper BUT even though we've gotten only hints and costumes and dialogue- they're very clearly and undeniably in a BDSM contract. Behind the scenes of this crazy show is a whole different story, of these two delving into the most hardcore kinks out there- knifeplay, painplay, bondage.

if you've gotten into the community, if you've read a couple dozen particularly good fics by authors who know what they're talking about, hell; even if your only experience is fifty shades or 365 or whatever- you gotta know that BDSM scenes are crazy fucking emotionally heavy. there's so much that has gone down between them during their full moons that helluva can't get into!!

but you know how in so many of these popular medias and fics, the dom in the relationship is also like,, the billionaire/mafia heir/prince, etc, the one with financial and physical power? this isnt that. it has been very clearly stated that stolas is subbing, blitz is domming.

now take a moment and think about how much that fucks up the dynamics.

in stolas' eyes, blitz is a confident, dangerous individual who's an old friend and cherished memory of his, who he's trusted wholly with his safety during sex and he's lucky to have; and he has been in an abusive arranged marriage for the past eighteen Years, he's probably not going to be pushing his luck with his dom that much in the first place. plus, blitz is never cowed by him during their conversations- think back to the first phone call right after he stole the book, completely unafraid.

and for blitz, it's someone trusting him again- but it's also a royal- a blue blood who's nearly untouchable and so much more powerful- who couldn't possibly like a piece of shit like him, apart from the sex he gets out of it. he only flirts once he gets some sort of cue from Stolas; he's desperately trying to view this as only a Goetia trying to get his rocks off, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because anything else is unfathomable to him, no matter how clearly Stolas shows it, because of the ptsd.

both of them thinks the other has the power. both of them aren't expecting the other to keep shut if something's bothering them.

and there's so much conflicting messages from the other too!

stolas calls him a plaything when trying to intimidate the humans; stolas cups his face gently and asks if he's alright

blitz asks him on a date and tells him to get better soon; blitz yells that it's only sex and doesn't reply to his messages

ya see?

bring it to fizzozzie for a second now; even though they do look all good on surface, you can still see fizz's trauma and doubt in all their interactions, they're still forced to keep the relationship secret. do you see his face when Ozzie says in hyperbole that he's never leaving the house again, or when someone accuses him of being a pampered house pet or when he got sexualized in the 7th ep? whatever happened in the interim between the accident with mammon, it fucked him UP. even though oz seems to be well aware of this when he tells him not to apologise and in their general interactions, fizz still visibly has trouble separating plaything/commodity from healthy relationship.

shout the fuck out to Ozzie btw, man knows whats UP. rooting for these two so much omg.

i forgot where I was going with this point, I'll edit it when i remember. but yeah! lovely fucking relationship, but damn what angst filled issues.

anyway, to sum up- stolitz is not a toxic relationship. the relationship is stuck sludging through misunderstandings and careless microaggressions and trauma responses, but it's not unhealthy or toxic because of the simple reason that most of the current hurt comes from... a misunderstanding. stolas didn't realise blitz would need reassurance about what they were and blitz didn't see stolas as someone who could get hurt.

unecessarily calling it toxic, even online, is more impactful than people think too. almost all spindlehorse ARE on all social medias; so MANY YouTube animators i know have found jobs there; they see your words, especially since a lot don't tag posts with "anti hb" correctly to keep them out of the main tag. there are Very few queer medias made BY queer people that haven't gone through heavy corporate revisions- helluva boss is practically a historical landmark in its success. it's very very very fucking easy to forget that not ten years ago some of the only queer videos on YouTube were butter lover (one kiss at the end post credits), dirty paws and welcome to hell (subtext).

the amount of "critical talk" helluva boss gets for what it is is very unprecedented. it's a beautiful show. can't wait for the next episode.

[warblogs17282]

My overall thoughts on Apology Tour (It's actually an 10/10 episode) and an in depth analysis of the episode.

The scene at the start was so fucking good, starts to place the seeds of doubt with Blitz, he almosts gets the point at the start multiple times before backtracking on that instantly, glad the harvest moon festival assassination attempt was brought up, I cannot wait for that to be mentioned again.

And then we get to the apology list, Blitz being in incredible denial about WHY people hate him and think a simple sorry will fix everything, this gets brought up later as well with Stolas fucking chatting shit to Blitz for it, which Blitz needed to hear so badly.

Then we get to Stolas pre song, he really doesn't want to shittalk Blitz, proof that Stolas still cares for Blitz, showing us that Stolitz still has a really strong chance of healing and coming back together with the power of healthy communication.

And then we get to the song, holy fucking shit it is top tier, it's a banger and talks about all the problems they have, how Stolas doesn't want to hurt Blitz, how he's hurt Stolas, with lines like 'I don't think you meant to hurt me' and a massive self reflection on Stolas' part as well. Making it damn well clear to Stolas what he wants, needs and the problems in their relationships, making communication about it later so much easier, POP THE FUCK OFF MY PRINCE. 'I don't think it meant anything at all'. This just shows one key flaw with Stolitz, based on Blitz's reaction in the full moon episode, Stolas now thinks that Blitz entirely never cared for him, something that Blitz HAS to address, eventually they'll get to that point but for now, Stolas is just singing his heart and true emotions out, playing all of his cards on the table for Blitz to see.

Then we get to this part, drunk Stolas and Blitz talking, Blitz actually talks about things properly to Stolas for once, and Stolas calls Blitz out on his bullshit constantly, which I love, because it will force Blitz to go over everything he's mentioned, allowing for actual healthy communication in the future between those two WHICH I FUCKING LOVE SO MUCH. Blitz gets a few issues off his chest during the whole part as well, which, while we're not fully there yet, will also cause Stolas to reflect on a lot of shit as well. FORCING BLITZ TO REALISE WHY SO MANY PEOPLE HATE HIM, AS STOLAS POINTS OUT WITH THE EXISTANCE OF THE PARTY. BOTH OF THEM ARE GOING THROUGH SO MANY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW AND I LIVE AND DIE FOR IT.

This face, this fucking face. It's finally snaps for Blitz about how he's fucked up so much, what he has to do better all that shit, BLITZ WILL HAVE A MAJOR SELF REFLECTION EPISODE, AND THIS FACE PROVES IT, HE KNOWS WHAT STOLAS WANTS, AND HE'S DAMN WELL GOING TO LET STOLAS HAVE IT.

The way Blitz just, let's him have this dance and eventual fuck with this guy, it proves he's learning, he's not being defensive, he's just letting it play on regardless of how hurt he is, as stated later, it starts with just letting Stolas have this moment, to truly feel happy again, which shows he's putting Stolas' feelings first, and being a good person, which will help him communicate better to Stolas in the future, BECAUSE BLITZ IS LEARNING.

Blitz starts with denial, his trademark defense tactic, trying to shift the blame off himself and onto everyone else, and Verosika putting Blitz in his fucking place, he needs to hear about how he hurt her, about WHY the party exists in the first place, without him realising both of those things Blitz cannot heal, which is what Verosika is trying to get him to realise, how he can hurt people, which with how Blitz slowly gets down and changes his emotions as you can see on his face, Blitz fucking gets it, he's starting to learn to be a better person, to be able to be loved back, to be the person Stolas deserves, to be better for himself.

'I don't want to be this way, not forever.' With the context, this line hits so fucking hard, like a truck. Blitz is actually learning from his mistakes, with her, and Stolas being the two major points, Blitz is going to start an arc to face everything that's haunting him, to get over his problems, face them all, to be the better man for the person Blitz truly loves, Stolas. Everything has undeniably been realised for Blitz, and there's no going back for him, he will learn from his mistakes, and Stolitz can finally be back better, once that healing and mutual communication has been completed.

Stolas looks genuinely happy, like he's found someone, someone to help him through his troubles, to be someone Stolas needs in his life during this point in time. And you know what Blitz does? While he's still clearly hurt and disgusted, he lets Stolas have this moment, to be happy, proving on some level that he does deeply care for Stolas, sure Blitz does that really angry for a moment, but Verosika levels Blitz out with this line 'It just starts with saying, good for him, hope he gets laid.' He quickly simmers down the anger from that encounter, on better talking terms with Verosika, realising what he has to do now (just letting Stolas have this moment) and what to do in the future.

Sure Blitz is mostly angry and upset at the moment, but this starts an arc with Blitz, one of learning and understanding things that he needs to fix to ever be back with Stolas, he cannot deny anything any more for long, Blitz has flown right into the emotional core of everything and he will reflect on it, learn from it. To not be how he was, not forever. To be better for himself, to be better for his lover, Stolas. It's clear that Stolas still has feelings for Blitz, as the song and drunken talk they had shows. Stolitz will come back, not soon. But they will be. We've entered the arc where both Blitz and Stolas heal themselves, eventually being back on actual healthy communicating terms. Both of them don't want to be the ways they were. Not forever.

tldr, I've gone in depth about the episode, why I think it's amazing writing, and where Stolitz goes in the future. THEY WILL BE HAPPY EVENTUALLY. This is easily my new favourite episode, the best of the best, and I only pray that Vivzie can keep this train of amazing storytelling going.

[milliesaxe]

blitz saying he does NOT want to fuck after ozzie’s might be my favorite blitz moment in the whole show because this is a man whose relationship with sex is… kind of a mess.

he uses it as currency a lot, which could, in theory, be fine, except he’s been shown to be terrible at casual and transactional sex? some of his greatest hits feature him self-destructing at bee’s party, fucking chaz as an emotional replacement for heartfelt communication and closeness to m&m (and he looks frankly terrible and disconnected right after), or agreeing to sleep with stolas for access to the grimoire. and we all know blitz and stolas are idiots who become emotionally compromised by each other almost immediately after a single night of sex.

the most successful of these ventures (trying to get the bouncer at ozzie’s to let him in or playing along with striker’s seduction in the harvest moon festival) never actually move past flirting and into sex.

blitz thinks of sex as a ‘safe’ thing in comparison to emotional vulnerability. it’s something he’s good at the way he’s good at shooting guns. because of this, he turns every single non-familial relationship in his life towards sex. he can hug fizz after they make up but right on the heels of that he’s breaking the moment with ‘can we make out right now?’ it takes a drug induced nightmare trip before he can talk to moxxie about how much he appreciates him… wouldn’t it be so much easier to just be a voyeur of m&m’s sex life?

isn’t that closeness if he pretends hard enough, the kind of closeness that comes without all the awfulness being vulnerable with another person could potentially bring?

reaching his breaking point—which he wouldn’t have without the ghosts of relationships’ past (fizz, verosika) coming out of the woodwork to slam him and this being witnessed by stolas (current non-relationship relationship)—is him being unable to hold the defensive shell he carries around himself one iota longer. Dropping it means being able to look someone he cares about in the eye and saying ‘sex is not enough on its own for me. sex, in this way, might actually be damaging for me.’

not necessarily pertinent to the point of this post, but: the someone he tells this to listens. there is a positive outcome for blitz when he does engage in the act of emotional vulnerability that he’s been so successful in avoiding with, well, sex. it’s also very clear that stolas understands him better after he opens up this way.

[tealvenetianmask]

Some thoughts on Blitz having combined type ADHD and why it matters to me . . .

First, I'm not negating other neurodivergences that he might have or other roots of his issues. I do think he also has dyslexia, and I also think his father didn't bother to get him much of an education. And yes, a lot of the traits I'm about to write about overlap too with ASD and various trauma responses. Comorbidity is real, and we're talking about fiction and only have so much to go on. Your interpretations/ways of diagnosing him are valid even if they don't match mine. Cool? Okay, let's go.

Inattentive symptoms. Blitz's plans come off as disorganized/chaotic, he doesn't do paperwork, doesn't know what insurance is, and visibly zones out during some conversations. He also hyperfocuses when something strikes an emotional cord, i.e. following M&M and looking for his sister, and can't focus on anything else. Random tangents and doodles seem to be a regular part of his workday. He can do fucking somersaults in midair but falls on his cute little face when he's not paying attention to where he's walking.

Hyperactive symptoms. He's bursting with energy and almost always seems ready to get up and go. He's randomly climbing things/sitting weird in chairs all the time, even as an adult. I thought this was an imp trait. Other imps don't do this. It's a Blitz trait. He speaks without thinking a lot and seems to process things out loud.

Strengths. He's calm and strategic in a crisis. He's creative and excited about his own ideas. He's at home in chaos and makes chaos WORK for him. He improvises. He's always wanted to be the boss of his own company and do things his own way. I love him so much. I love that being different/original/chaotic is portrayed so positively.

RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Without going into Blitz's everything, the gist is that behind the front that he doesn't care, Blitz is super sensitive to being rejected and spends a lot of time scared that rejection is going to happen. Look at him at the end of Ozzie's. Listen. This can be caused by A LOT of things, but it's super common with ADHD too, mostly because we have a ton of experience with being rejected and trouble predicting when it's going to happen. Among everything that's happened to him, Blitz had lots of "not good enough" moments as a kid.

There's a lot more. I was going to do screenshots but got overwhelmed by how many episodes I'd have to sift through.

Why I care:

I'm feeling well represented of course. So often, the person with ADHD in a piece of media is a kid, or if they're an adult, they're the primarily inattentive type. I'm still hyperactive in adulthood, and when I'm not masking enough, my behavior gets misunderstood a lot (some of this also comes from being a woman, but since I'm talking about a male character here . . . another time). It's fun and affirming to see a character in fiction who's not masking his ADHD much (because he really isn't good at that lol) and has a ton of issues but kind of rocks at being himself anyway.

[oversensitiveandoffputting]

Listen, I don’t blame either of these losers for how the situationship ended. They’re both morons who need a lot of therapy before they can be anything even remotely healthy.

What concerns me is the amount of people that are saying Stolas should have sat there and tried to reason with Blitz while he was screaming abusive things.

If you’re emotional, if you feel overwhelmed, if the person who hurt you won’t stop poking and prodding at your sore spots because they want a reaction, you have every right to remove yourself. If you just need to cool down before you say or do something you’ll regret, you have every right to remove yourself. If you don’t want to cry in front of anyone, you have every right to remove yourself.

Whether we like it or not, Blitz escalated to verbally abusive behavior in this scene. I’d hope that if we can accept the power dynamic makes their sexual relationship a grey area ethically at best, then I hope we can also acknowledge that chasing someone around their home when they’re clearly distressed while screaming at the top of your lungs and calling them names is abusive behavior.

The reason I point this out is not because I’m calling Blitzø an abuser. Abusers have a chronic pattern of this kind of behavior, while Blitz has only done it once. But think for a moment about how terrifying this must have been for Stolas. The words Striker used while torturing him; the screaming Stella did on what was most likely almost a daily basis, not to mention his parents’ neglect and his self-loathing, all that was probably banging around in his head while Blitzø was screaming at him.

And don’t give me that “Stolas is more powerful” bullshit. There are plenty of victims that can easily overpower their abusers but don’t in the moment.

My point is, for those of us who survived chronic abuse, hearing over and over again that Stolas should have hung out and reasoned with Blitz while Blitz was mocking him or screaming at him is…concerning.

Reader, I’m talking to you. You have every right- every single fucking right- to leave any situation that does not make you feel safe. Physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually- if you feel unsafe, you can leave. You don’t need to explain yourself. You can go any time for any reason. Ever.

[effy-writes]

can you maybe write something for Fizz where they were friends and when blitz ran away, she stayed and tried to help get him out of the fire, and in doing so, she lost her right arm. and now she is his partner in his clown gigs, and they both get captured and taken for ransom, and then they think that they're going to die so they both confess, but turns out that they get saved, and are together?

tysm :)

ofc!! i already did do a request very similar to that so i’m gonna do hc’s for this, either way hope you enjoy!

also i have insane writers block rn so bare with me 😔

~~~~

fizz x f! reader: being held ransom together and confessing feelings hc’s

• fizz and you bonded over the same trauma that you guys endured. both got injured and you two had to start a whole new life without limbs (with you just your arm)

• fizz would always apologize that you lost an arm, but you always tell him to stop apologizing and that you wanted to help because you didn’t want to lose him. he was helpless and needed to get out of there, but when you pulled him out your arm got engulfed by the flames that was on the curtain just next to his body, you would always reply, “i would rather lose an arm than you lose you”

• years later, ozzie given you and fizz new “limbs” as well as a job. at first you were very reluctant to perform again and it took a lot of convincing from fizz to encourage you to perform.

“it’ll be like old times!”

“exactly. i don’t want to get reminded of the past. i don’t even think i could perform again without getting all emotional.”

“i miss performing with you, y/n. let’s just do this one time and if you don’t like it then i won’t force you. but i know you love dancing, singing, acrobatics, and when you did them in the past you looked so happy. i miss that smile.”

• eventually you gave in and started rehearsing with fizz and found great enjoyment in it. ever since then you two been performing together.

• you already know that fizz got held ransom before with blitz, and that was a wholeeee other thing you had to deal with. you don’t know which day was more traumatizing, you and fizz almost dying or fizz almost dying and you couldn’t do anything about it

• whenever you two got kidnapped by a critic and got locked in a basement things definitely changed. he was freaking out as much as you were but he didn’t want to seem weak in front of you, so he put on an act and tried to comfort you as much as possible.

• since both of your arms and legs got tied up he had to wiggle himself over to you and used his head to rub it against your shoulder, “we’re going to be okay, alright? ozzie will eventually figure out by now that we’re in trouble because we’re supposed to perform in like…20 minutes?”

“that’s not helping me out fizz!”

“ah shit! okay okay um..we’re in this together?”

“fizz, i love you but you’re not making this any better.”

• unfortunately, fizz wasn’t right and you guys been stuck down here for hours. the critic hasn’t came down, so you two began wondering if he forgot about you guys. “do you think we can eat the robotic limbs? like will we die?”

“y/n…what?”

“i mean..yeah i kinda just answered my own question.”

• after some hours of you guys crying, laughing, freaking out, joking around with each other, the critic finally went downstairs to the basement. out of fear you and fizz huddled close to each other.

• the critic spoke about how much he hates you and fizz for ignoring him on social media and in public. at first he wanted to be friends with you guys and just keep you guys down here, but after hearing you guys cry, talk, and laugh, he became so envious of your guys relationship that he wanted both of you gone.

• you didn’t want to die like this, not die without confessing your feelings, and fizz felt the EXACT same way. at the same time you guys said, “i always had feelings for you and was just too afraid to admit it.” “wait WHAT”

• before the critic could say anything a loud gunshot pierced your ears, and once you two looked back up you saw no other than blitz.

“BLITZO?”

“heyyy guys…totally WASNT spying on you two.”

“then why the fuck are you here?” you spat.

“apparently saving your guy’s lives. took you long enough fizz to admit you have feelings for her!”

• basically, right after blitz saved you guys you and fizz had a long and awkward conversation about how you two had feelings for each other for the longest time and both of you had the same reasons as to why you didn’t want to tell the other person, you guys just didn’t want to ruin what you already have

• the day after, fizz wanted to properly confess his feelings at a nice dinner and that’s exactly what he did, and you obviously agreed to be his girlfriend

[crooked-wasteland]

Oops: Rushing to Catharsis, Dodging Accountability

There is much to be said about the latest episode of Helluva Boss, and it is a bit of a tragedy that the animatic release felt like a more complete version of the episode than the actual finished product. From losing out on the visual intensity of Fizzarolli's injuries to the complete erasure of Barbie in the background of the disaster, it feels like these small changes removed the visceral intensity of the scene and its repercussions. Especially as Barbie is now the obvious point of conflict in Blitz's storyline, it feels like the impact of that part of the story is now devalued by her absence.

But that is hardly the end of the issues at play.

Medrano and her team rushed this story arc.

There are clear parallels to Bojack's two major story beats of Bojack abandoning Herb and the Sugarman Summer Home season arc. It is obvious that Blitz and Fizzarolli have a relationship paralleling that of Herb and Bojack in season one. However, Medrano pulls back in a multitude of ways and fails to commit the plot to a natural conclusion. While Herb rejects Bojack due to the fact that the latter never came to check up on him following his public disgrace and outing, Blitz is absolved of even that.

In the Bojack episode, Herb makes it clear that he doesn't blame his old friend for not standing with him when he was removed from Horsing Around. While he may have been upset at one time, he had cooled off and recognized that if the studio had let them both go, that would have been terrible for both of them.

Rather, it was Bojack assuming Herb's desires and thus avoiding his best friend for years under the belief that he had betrayed Herb so completely that the other wouldn't want to see him anyway. Bojack's insecurity was his own undoing in that relationship, even though it showed that both Herb and Bojack were still very compatible friends. Bojack's background of conditional relationships from his own parents set the groundwork for his hyperavoidant personality and how allowing generational trauma to dictate your relationships in life is a good way to lose everyone you ever hope to keep.

Here, Blitz didn't abandon Fizzarolli. Skipping to the end, Blitz was kept from seeing Fizz in the hospital by a currently unknown third party. Which removes his flaws on a fundamental level. While one could argue ripping off the storyline wholesale would have been just as bad, at least it wouldn't feel like a fanfiction retelling of that Bojack episode. It feels like Medrano had a very negative opinion of Herb and how he rejected Bojack and that this reiteration with her own characters is her way of "fixing" that relationship. At the same time, what Blitz ended up doing is far and above worse than Bojack simply not risking his career.

The episode takes the sequence as dark as they'd dare, Fizzarolli crawling out of the explosion as his body burns and disintegrates. The show really does want to bank itself on the emotional impact this sequence should have, picturing how afraid Fizz must be. The amount of pain he would be in as his mangled body turns to ash as he forces himself from the fire. His flesh melted, his horns seared red and glowing like it would if they were made of real keratin, his bones themselves falling apart as he forced his body to escape the disaster. And he calls out to the one person he held such admiration for, his best friend since they were kids, who turns his back on him and runs.

And somehow, that is not the reason the relationship has become so bitter and vile. Not because Fizzarolli, most likely believing he was going to die, watched his best friend run away and "save himself" (from Fizz's perspective), leaving him to die alone in this calamity. It's because Blitz never came to talk to him. And even then, it wasn't Blitz's fault.

While that reveal worked for Bojack and Herb, it doesn't actually work for when a character almost actually loses their life. The figurative end of the world that comes with losing a job you love and a creative passion project stolen and bastardized can not begin to amount to the physical act of dying. That is actually the entire point of Herb's story as well, why Bojack's initial betrayal is forgivable, but his avoidance was not. It's because what felt like the end of life in the moment didn't actually end anything substantial for Herb. He still lived a full and complete life, minus his best friend who left him to rebuild on his own. And you can not, in fact, make up for lost time.

Speaking of comparisons, the dialogue of this sequence in particular feels quite off-putting. Blitz's line of "You have e no idea what I lost in that fire" is accusatory and draws up a direct comparison to what each character lost. Fizzarolli is physically scarred by the events as well as mentally and emotionally. Horns are shown to be a source of social pride for imps, adding self-esteem and identity to the list of things Fizz lost in the disaster. But because it is implied that Blitz's mother actually did die in the fire, that is a tragedy somehow beyond belief for someone like Fizzarolli. It would be safe to assume that Tilla's death would have been felt by everyone who survived the circus, or at the least for the kids. The dialogue sets up a divide that somehow Blitz watching how his careless moodiness almost killed his crush is not at the top of the list of traumas Blitz has to sort through from this sequence is hard to believe.

Speaking of crush.

And that gets to why this episode as a whole fails to work on a fundamental level. For what it is, what it wants to be, and what it is trying to set up, this episode consistently drops the ball. It is confounding to think that Medrano believed that the relationship for Stolas and Blitz was for more necessary to show than this.

This episode should have been a flashback.

The entire episode should have been the lead up to the disaster. Show us the relationship of Blitz and Barbie and Fizzarolli. Show us the way Blitz is treated by others at the circus even as he ages.

Show us Tilla for five minutes for the love of everything meaningful. It's so hard to believe this should be important to the characters or story when we are given nothing concrete about who Tilla was as a person or mother. We lived the flashbacks of Bojack, no matter how short a snippet they were. We experienced Beatrice's callous nature or his father's self-centered abuse. For as important as she is implied to be, Tilla is not so important as to be an active participant in the story.

At the end of all this, I believe that the greatest issues boil down to a set list

- Characters do not have any lasting responsibility to the situation, their actions or the outcome.

- Somehow a character like Tilla who has never been seen and lacks any personality outside of early Steven Universe Rose Quartz perfection is a loss that is elevated over the trauma we are allowed to very distantly experience in Fizzarolli's monologue.

- The fact that we still have no idea about who any of these characters were to appreciate the sense of loss that this episode was supposed to supply.

- Fizzarolli and Blitz make up completely by the end of a single episode.

- The lack of buildup to the disaster causes confusion as to why it ever happens. Blitz throwing the confession letter on the ground and walking away has no rhyme or reason to it.

This episode is a literal laundry list of bad choices and poor structuring. When a school teacher writes in the margin, "Show, don't tell," this is what they are talking about.

[hazbinshusk]

afterwards and fantasies w/ Blitz perchance, mayhaps?

afterwards — what kind(s) of aftercare do they like being given? do they like giving their partner aftercare? do they fall asleep quickly after sex?

blitz is cagey about aftercare; sometimes he gets worried that proper aftercare would open him up to emotions (oh no), so he can neglect it unfortunately.

(which is especially bad for him because I feel like blitz is the kind of guy to really suffer from post-coital dysphoria, which can further skew his view of himself in relationships).

not with the more heavy duty bdsm - he's not a total dick - but after more vanilla (or as vanilla as he gets) sex he can let it fall by the wayside in the favor of bailing.

so when it comes to receiving it, often he'll wave it off as unnecessary.

honestly though, he'll melt when you take care of him. I'm talking wide eyed staring and blushing when you're not looking at him, and quickly looking away when you do.

he'd be the kind to appreciate casual praise and touches (scratch behind his spikes or stroke his horns, he'll die over it) and snacks are a big thing for it.

he's also the kind that if you put a movie on, he'll definitely stay (and it's a good way to 'trick' him into letting his guard down long enough for a cuddle). Don't get too cuddly, but let him share your space and your snacks and he might even fall asleep on your shoulder.

I also see him as doing little things about aftercare without really thinking about it - he'll instinctively rub your wrists after being cuffed or smooth his hands over marks he's left on you to sooth them. Don't call attention to it - once he realizes what he's doing, he'll stop.

when it comes to sleep, I feel like either he's kind of energized after sex, or he passes out really fast, no in between. It really depends on the day and the session.

fantasy — do they have any sexual fantasies they'd like to try out? have they ever gotten to act on a sexual fantasy?

I feel like blitz is in a position where he gets to try out pretty much anything he wants because stolas is up to try almost anything.

between that and his extensive sexual history, there's not much he hasn't tried already.

[bleucaesura]

AN ENDING - 2/4

“You fucks think you can do this every time! Like you can just play with our feelings because we are smaller and not as important!”

Blitz’s words still echoed in Stolas’s ears.

It took every ounce of strength Stolas had to get through that. To get through Blitz’s outburst and accusations. He’d had no idea Blitz had thought he’d been playing with his feelings.

Fuck…

Now his demon was screaming; howling to be let out.

“Thank you, Blitz. For making me so happy. Even if only for a little while.”

Stolas stood, placed his hat on his head, turned and fled the room.

Stop… STOP! Not here! Not NOW!

Yesssss… Nooooowwwww….

He tried to stay composed and hurried down the hall. He needed to get away from Blitz as quickly as he could, without making a scene, while staying calm. He wasn’t going to let his demon hurt Blitz. No matter how upset he was, he’d never let that happen.

His head pulsed with power. He felt his demon pulling at his seams. His whole world seemed to be consumed by the deafening heartbeat of his demon thrumming through his body.

Then he heard his name. His pace faltered.

Blitz called his name.

No… NO! He can’t be here… I can't protect him from this!

Stolas felt Blitz gain too much ground on him, he was too close.

Too close… NO!

He clenched his fists in anguish, not able to control the power any longer.

As his demon ripped free from inside, Stolas threw the last bit of his will out and at Blitz, sending him through a portal, out of harm's way.

***

It had been a very long time since Stolas had been face-to-face with his demon like this. And yet here he was, looking the gigantic thing in the eye.

The first time it had manifested, when he was young, he had found himself staring at this frightening monstrous thing, too afraid to move or say anything. As it turned out he had been swept away by the demon, into some part of his mind that they existed simultaneously. It had taken years of practice and training to master his demon. Years to learn to control his emotions so things like this wouldn’t happen.

“Why am I here? Why are you doing this? You could have hurt Blitz…”

Stolas plopped down and curled tightly into himself, clutching his knees and burying his face.

The massive demon regarded him curiously, tilting its head.

“Stop fighting me… It’s because you fight me that you feel this way.”

He felt the demon’s voice thunder around him; the depth of it vibrating into his chest, rattling his bones.

Stolas squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head.

“You’re the worst part of me. The darkest part. Why wouldn’t I fight you?”

The demon chuckled. Actually CHUCKLED. The sound rumbled through Stolas almost like a purr. He’d never experienced this from the demon before.

Stolas peeked up at it with his top set of eyes.

“Why would you think something as foolish as that?” The demon chuckled.

Stolas flushed.

“What do you MEAN?” Was the demon mocking him? “You’re my demon. You’re the definition of the worst part of me. You only come out when I’m angry-”

“No.” The demon cut him off. “You only let me out when you’re angry. There’s quite a difference.”

Stolas could feel anger bubbling in his gut. He forced himself to stand.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” He yelled at the demon. “I was trained to tame you. Control you. Or you’d take over.”

The demon crouched and put its face right into Stolas’s.

“And who, pray-tell, gave you that direction?”

A shock ran up Stolas’s spine.

“My father…” He muttered. “Or… Rather… A tutor at my father’s behest.”

Stolas felt the demon’s eyes studying him intensely.

“Mmm.” It almost purred. “And we believe everything Dearest father says. Don’t we?”

That’s it…

Stolas stomped up to the demon and shoved a finger in its face.

“You KNOW how I feel about Father!” He snapped.

The demon smiled.

“Then perhaps it’s time to start reexamining the truths he taught you in the past?”

Stolas’s heart was threatening to beat out of his chest. He turned away from the demon and clenched his fists.

All the lies he told me… All the pain he’s caused… The delusions he’s perpetuated…

“What do you suggest I do?” Stolas muttered.

“As I said,” the demon lowered itself until it was laying down. “Stop fighting me.”

Stolas turned around.

The demon looked up at him, its head laying on the ground.

“If I do…” He reached out and touched the demon’s beak. “Then what?”

“Then you’ll be accepting that there’s no ‘worst’ or ‘darkest’ part of you.” The demon began to shrink. It shrank until it was no bigger than a cat, and it sprang into Stolas’s arms. “And once you accept that… You won’t be so afraid to let yourself truly be loved.”

*****

[cherrylng]

Matt Bellamy interview - Muse [ROCKIN'ON (December 2000)]

"If you ask me, our first album was a youthful rock experience at its ultimate limit….. Thanks to that, we've now reached a point where we don't even want to know what happens if we keep going."

So where are these horrid kids headed now that they've buried the ‘first Muse’, who froze the whole of the UK with their unbelievable live performances and insane falsetto? Matthew Bellamy, 22, talks about his next ambition!

Interview: Erica Yamashita / Photography: NAKA

Muse's performance at Akasaka Blitz on October 14th was a speedy one hour and 12 minutes long performance with 18 songs. There was no encore. At the end, Matthew rolled around at the feet of drummer Dominic and started messing around, waving his hands and disappearing to the side of the stage, and then bassist Chris went around destroying the drum kit one by one, so there was no time for an encore. But that was also a happy ending, with Matthew whispering something to the two of them just before. Matt was waving his guitar around a lot, but it was only the first day of the Tokyo show, so I guess he was thinking that he couldn't smash it here. Instead, he ran around the stage.

The show on this day was also very loud from the beginning. To be honest, it was a bit rough. Of course, as usual, their performance was impressive, but they seemed a little slack and were trying to intimidate others with their strength. The two ballads in the middle of the show, sung by Matt, sitting beside Chris with an acoustic guitar, completely changed the wavelength. Interestingly, what followed was a stage full of shadows and storytelling, even though it was a fast and loud world again. There was a relentless pull that is the essence of a Muse show. An unidentifiable energy emanates from Matthew, who is tiny even in Japan. A mass of emotion that you find yourself unable to take your eyes off.

Some have expressed concern about the future evolution of Muse, saying that they are too technically accomplished for their young age, that they are doing stage actions that are like rock conventions, and that they are becoming musically stylised. However, 22-year-old Matt Bellamy is wavering. This was his third visit to Japan in seven months, which inadvertently confirmed his wavering and self-examination. He has all the talent, technique, and brains. He has both desire and confidence. I would like him to soar into the second chapter of Muse, which is as bold as he can.

"With "Showbiz", I wanted to destroy purity and innocence. But on the next album we're going in the opposite direction."

Last night's gig was really intense (laughs). 「Yeah. I admit it. Sometimes we have gigs like that where we just blow it from start to finish. It depends on the mood of the moment.」

What was your mood like yesterday? 「Well, I was a bit confused and restless.」

Oh, why? 「Haha…… I had a lot of interviews and stuff during the day, so by the time I got on stage, a lot of things had built up inside me. Also, I changed the set of songs since yesterday.」

I see. You played four new songs, didn't you? 「I think three, to be precise. The opener was a new one and an old one that we did as a test for this tour.」

That was a very hard opener. Are the songs for the new album almost complete? 「Yeah, almost. The songs themselves are done, we just need to decide what form we want to take with each one. When we go into the studio, we listen back to everything we've played live and change the details and decide on the arrangements and instruments. I think a couple of the songs will be harder than any of the songs on "Showbiz", but overall I think there's a wider range. From the hard stuff to the softer, more subdued songs. There are at least two very mellow, emotional, and quiet songs. There are also about three songs that are not disco or dance music, but are more like early 80s electro-pop, with a lot of synths.」

One of these songs, "Plug in Baby", already has a title and was played yesterday. It sounded hard live, but it's quite a melody-driven number, isn't it? 「Yes, yes. We've already recorded that one. That one, and the one that doesn't have a title but starts with the keyboard that I played yesterday, we've finished recording those two songs. "Plug in Baby" is quite hard on bass and drums, but I think it's very melodic in its recorded form, including the vocals.」

By the way, what's a Plug In Baby? 「Hehehe…… (chuckles to himself). It can mean a few things, but, er, it might be a little strange…… There are various systems, like governments and big companies, and the idea is that the handful of people at the top of those triangles are all connected and have huge control. There are many smaller triangles in the world, and I am at the top of a very small triangle called Muse. And I'm learning what control is. What kind of influence can I have on the band members, on the crew, on the recording site, etc.? How my ideas flow through all these different people. And eventually, when the record comes out and people start talking about it. Some people take the time to raise their children and spread their influence. At the moment I don't want to have kids at all, but instead I can come up with ideas and concepts about the situation and observe how they flow through people and how things change.」

Does that come from the recognition that controlling what and how is a big issue in being in a band? 「Originally someone was trying to exert control over me, telling me to do this or say that. I've learnt little by little how to stand up to that and make the situation happen the way I want it to happen. That's one theme. But there's also a slightly weirder theme in the song "Plug In Baby", which is the theory that the people who run the big governments and royal families and stuff are not actually living things on Earth (laughs). It's not so much that they are actually people, but that forces we don't know about are controlling their thoughts. People at the top are always targeted and manipulated by these mysterious forces. I don't know if it's true or not, and I know it sounds stupid, but it happens sometimes. It's like you're being controlled by an uncontrollable force, or a creature, or something.」

Hmm (laughs). In our last interview, you mentioned that you sang a song in which you put yourself in the position of a young mother. Have you finished that? 「Yes, but it hasn't been recorded yet. It's just guitar and vocals at the moment, and I'm thinking about how to incorporate the band into it. I think I'll use a very quiet, acoustic guitar, and maybe a harp…… or some kind of tuned percussion. I'd like to make a sound that somehow conveys a sense of childhood happiness. But I haven't really settled on a concrete idea yet.」

Do you have any other thematic trends for the new songs? 「There are two or three songs, and the lyrics are about someone who I really love and want to love because of their personality, but at the same time I feel envious and jealous because the ideals they have are so pure…… I've got a song that goes something like this. I think the songs on the next album are very meaningful to me when I sing them now. But I also felt that way about the songs on the first album when I wrote them. So, well, I think it's normal for my feelings about songs to change over time.」

Is that feeling of envy for the ideal of perfection in others something that's been on your mind recently? 「Hehe…… For example, I think there are people who listen to Muse's music and get a sense of pleasure, but there are also people who find it painful and unbearable to listen to. So…… Hmmm (laughs)…… I think that's true. For example, if you didn't know what human sex is, you might think it's very painful to hear the voices and noises, right? But it's not like that, it's just a pure expression of humanity. But I think for some people it's too graphic or unacceptable or something like that…… Um…… Well, that's a matter of course (laughs). Well, what I was trying to say about ideals is that sometimes you meet people who aren't broken at all, right? They believe in certain things even when they grow up. It can be something very simple, like family ties. My parents divorced when I was 13 and I think that's the way it is, but some people don't know what it's like because they haven't been through it themselves. You're talking to someone and their reaction is that they don't know about it and they don't want to know about it. They don't want to hear about it. Well, that can't be helped. I think that if you don't have to see everything through in reality, that would be the best thing. Sometimes it's better to be able to believe in something like a dream.」

When you come into contact with something so pure and innocent, do you admire it and want to be like it? Or can't help wanting to destroy it? 「Oh yes…… I admire them and want to be one too. Probably. I think on the first album I was more of a person who wanted to destroy it (laughs). But on the next album, I'm going in the opposite direction.」

I always feel that way. I feel that you have a duality or two extremes in you, and that you just can't seem to separate the two. 「Yeah. Yeah, that's true. There's a part of me that always sees both sides of things.」

On the one hand, you want to believe in something really pure and good, but on the other hand, your experiences have made you feel that you can't? 「Another example of this ideal is religion. Something unscientific. I really think how nice it would be if, when you die, you could believe that you're going towards something. I wish there was something like that. Maybe there is, I don't know. But I can't believe in anything that isn't true, no matter how I try…… hehe…… But I wish I could. And maybe I can make myself believe that.」

It feels like that frustration and irritation is transforming into the extraordinary heightening of Muse's music. 「(laughs)…… It's like that for everything. It's also about life itself. Like love. I just can't believe that you love someone and you think it's going to last forever. For anyone.」

"Right now I'm choosing to do caricatures of rock. I think I'm still trying to figure out whether that's a creative situation or not."

I was struck by the fact that you said that your ideal gig experience would be one where you could experience imaginary death on stage, the ultimate ecstasy… 「I mean, I'd like to do more of a theatrical performance. But I still don't know how to incorporate that element and put on a good show. One possible way would be to go out on stage and change costumes and scenes to suit the mood of the songs, so that each song is a theatrical experience. Then each song would be closer to an extreme experience, and there would even be an experience of death in it (laughs). I'd like to do some theatrical performances, not just rock geek stuff.」

Even today, is there a certain amount of drama and theatricality in Muse's performances? 「Yes, that's what I'm trying to bring out. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's a mess. Because sometimes you get into one character and you try to change into a different one, but it doesn't work. That's why I take a lot of time to decide on the setlist. Sometimes it determines the success or failure of the stage. Sometimes, depending on how the songs are arranged, I can't change the mood right away.」

How was last night, by the way? 「Hahaha…… Hmmm. Well, I think the middle part went well, very well. But the beginning and the end, I don't know, maybe it was a bit muddled. The middle part was focused and went as intended, and I think I was able to express what I was feeling about the song really well. Especially "Falling Down" and "Unintended".」

Ah, that ballad spot. Actually, something changed there, or rather, it became easier to understand what you were trying to do. After that, when you went into the storm again, it felt like you could see the flow. 「Oh, really? For us, it was totally the same. Especially with "Unintended", there was a feeling that you don't get very often. Most shows we're like, we slowly build up and get intense, then drop off and get intense again, but last night it started out intense, dropped in the middle, and then built up again at the end. So from the beginning I was in a whirlpool where I didn't know what was going on, and when it finally got quiet in the middle, I was able to calm down and grasp the situation, and I was able to return to that state.」

I see. You play with such tremendous energy that sometimes you get sucked into it and can't quite get yourself out of it. 「Hehehe…… Yeah.」

Are you at all worried that what you're doing might be perceived as a caricature of rock? 「……No, I don't think so.」

And what do you think spares you guys from being seen as caricatures? 「That's…… The fact that I know and have allowed myself to look that way, you know. It's something I've wanted to do. Yes, I think I've deliberately gone that way at some gigs and stuff. But I also know that I can always do something completely different. Other than just playing rock music. I can go in any direction at any time. But right now I'm choosing to do something like a caricature of rock. Because I want to try it. I want to know if it's really a creative situation. I think I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good thing or not.」

Destroying instruments, running around the stage, that sort of thing? 「That was probably the last time I did that, last night.」

Hmm. I've heard that before. 「What, did I say that?」

Not exactly, but something similar. 「Pfft. I see. I might have said that (laughs).」

I'm not criticising you, because even though there are some elements of that cliched tactic, Muse's stage is… 「(interrupting) No, but I agree with you. If I was in the audience, I would feel the same way. But everything I do, I do it because I want to. And I don't really think about whether other people will see it and think it's stupid or not. I do it for my own learning, and I'm still in the learning process. I don't think you can really decide if you want to be that person until you've experienced certain things. Sometimes what you see in people's eyes may not be my true nature, sometimes it's just something I'm doing on a trial basis. Sometimes, when I want to do something like this, I apply the idea to my surroundings and experience the situation. And it's something that, as I said before, you can stop at any time and move on to a different situation.」

Do you really want to stop performing like that, even if it wasn't just last night? 「But right now, I'm riding the acceleration of the first album, so it's hard to stop. We've done a tremendous amount of touring up to this point, and no matter how you do it, you have to become a caricature of rock ‘n’ roll. Life on tour has an effect on both the mind and the body. It's difficult until you cut it off somewhere. I'm trying to do that in November, when this tour is over.」

While you've written a whole new set of songs, you've also been re-experiencing the B-sides of your first and previous singles almost every night on stage. How do you feel about those songs that were released over a year ago? 「I still think they're good. But they've developed into something very different from the album version. It's changed so much over the course of the tour that it's become very extreme. But actually, most of the songs can be played just acoustically. Not for the next album, but at some point in the future, I'd like to release an album based on acoustics without using any electronics at all. Really, my main goal is to try different approaches. Our first album is about youthful rock taken to its limits…」

(laughs). 「There's always the temptation to want to know what life is like at least once. And then to experience it yourself, to experience touring this hard, including all the stereotypical aspects of band life. I've done that too, and thanks to that I've reached a point now where I don't want to know what's going to happen if I keep going like this…… ahaha……」

"As musicians of the same generation as our audience, we are shining a light on the extreme emotions of living in these times. I think that means how to accept yourself as you are."

(laughs). If you're done with the extreme rock of your youth, can you give us a preview of the tone of your next album? 「Everyone keeps asking about the new album—」

Everyone wants to know. 「Yeah, I know. No, I mean it's hard to predict the future, because if you try to force it, you get accused of being different in the end.」

What would you like it to be, in your opinion? 「Hmmm…… Music always reflects how I'm feeling at the time when I'm making it. So I'm sure it will be an honest reflection of how I've been feeling over the past year or two. What I care about more than anything else is honesty. I want it to be as honest as possible about what I'm feeling and what I want to say. I can't really say what that's going to be like until the moment the album is finished.」

You said that since you started writing again, you've lost all sense of who you thought you knew completely before, the path you were on, etc. Does that feeling still persist? 「I've recorded two songs and I've calmed down a lot (laughs). I'm still writing songs, but two or three months ago I was working so hard on them that I didn't know what was going to happen. But once we started recording and rehearsing and playing a few shows, I knew where I was going. I was able to explain "Plug in Baby" a little bit, like I did before. But I didn't really know what the hell I was talking about until I recorded it. I also want to do the artwork for the next album myself, and I've got some ideas for that now. So I'm thinking that after this tour, which goes from Japan to Australia to Scandinavia to Dublin, I'm going to go to the countryside for a couple of weeks in November, where I won't see anyone, to chill out a bit and really think about what I want to do and how I want to do it.」

When you say you don't know where you're going when you're writing, does that mean you don't know where you're going in life itself? 「Yes, it can be like that. You know, when you're writing a song, you just let your feelings out, it's a totally subjective state. I don't try to be objective about myself at all. But in general I try to be objective, most of the time. I keep my distance and think about what I'm doing. The only time I don't do that is when I'm writing songs. That's the only time I go inwards and get closer to myself.」

In a way, it's time to allow yourself to do that. 「Yes, yes, that's right. And in the process, you can't explain your own behaviour. In interviews, you probably try to interpret them as someone else's work, to understand the meaning and background, just like you do.」

Hmmm. Does the act of looking at your own work and creative activities objectively in this way help you? 「Yes, I think so. Trying to be objective…… I mean, I don't think it's good for the mind to be in a position like mine and be subjective all the time. This job can turn even good people into bad people.」

From that point of view, I sense a mysterious duality within you, or rather a sense of balance. 「(laughs) Well, I try to be as careful as possible to be like that.」

You look like you're on the verge of jumping off a cliff, but at the same time you seem to have learnt from history and have the good sense not to do anything really reckless. 「……There were some bad moments. I think. I did some things that I'd like to pretend later that they didn't happen. I mean, mistakes, you know. But basically, that wasn't my intention. Because, after all…… I don't want to die, haha…….」

You mentioned last time that you would ideally like to change the producer of the new album with each song, but how is it progressing in reality? 「Yes, that's reality, hahaha. I've finished two songs with Dave Botterill, who worked with Tool and Deus, and we've got two more to record. That's as far as I've got with him. Then we're going into sessions with John Leckie as well. For the first album, Paul Reeve recorded a lot of the demos and Leckie re-recorded them, but this time we're going to do a session with Leckie alone and record five or six songs. If that goes well, we'll probably continue and do the whole rest of the album with him. But Paul Reeve is not much older than us, and he's very innovative in his ideas and approach. Last time, I asked Leckie to join because he was still inexperienced, but I'd like to record a whole album with Paul someday. Maybe I could be a co-producer then.」

You're already used to playing to every size crowd imaginable, from clubs to festivals, but do you have any set goals for future success, such as how big a venue you want to play at? 「Well, for the next album we'd like to take it to a bit bigger level than what we're doing now. At least in Europe/USA we want to aim for 3-4,000 people. Then we'll do a show based on some kind of concept and see how it goes. But after that, I'd like to keep the audience size small again. I'd also like to be a bit more selective with our festival appearances.」

I heard that you played at 48 festivals this summer alone? 「I heard so (laughs). That's what I've been trying to figure out about the future, whether it's going to work out that way or not.

When I saw you guys on stage in Reading and at the gig yesterday, I thought that there is an overwhelmingly Muse generation audience. It's different from both the Radiohead generation and the Oasis generation. So what do you think your music speaks to and gives to these people? 「Yeah…… I think…… I think that artists of that generation, be they musicians, film directors or whatever, are reflecting back to them what they see around them. It's a reflection of the times. That's why I also…… (laughs) I'm shining a light on the ultimate emotions of living in this era. In other words, I think it's about how we accept ourselves as we are.」

Translator's Note: I actually like what I've scanned so far with this issue. I mean, Matt's blue eyes with his fading blue-dyed hair? Cute 💕

Please do support me on my Ko-fi! ☕

[dnickels]

RE: 5x05. I have no idea how much I'm supposed to read into this, but that has never stopped me before:

It's VE Day. Havers is back in England. The post office, telephone system, communication infrastructure etc all still work. So where is Cap's sense of urgency coming from? He knows the full name and regiment of a serving officer, a letter will get where it needs to go, they're very good about that over there. Yes, Cap's been waiting, but its been six years, he can wait a little longer-- hang out in the bushes until he sees Haver's car drive away and bang on the window, if he insists on being an insane person (<3). Figure out where he's billeted. Japan hasn't surrendered yet, so I suppose there's a chance Havers could get shipped to Burma or something and potentially die there, but he's not going to go straight from the cocktail reception to the troop ship, especially if everyone there is about to get "Hitler defeated"-levels of drunk. ("They're all red tabs, surely decency and decorum--" they are going to roll those old soaks out of there in wheelbarrows)

The urgency isn't because Havers might die. I think Cap knew his time was short.

He's a middle aged man in tolerably good shape, all that ration food aside. He make good time on his morning jogs, and his biggest ailment is 'creaky knees'. "Widowmaker heart attack out of nowhere" isn't an unheard of COD for someone who seems otherwise fine, especially someone who has been under a fair amount of stress (six years of wartime, including the fucking Blitz would do a number on my heart) but his sudden relocation makes me pause. It's only been about a year since he got relocated away from Button House, right? What was all that about? It's presumably still requisitioned, given that they're throwing a swanky victory party there and Heather Button is nowhere to be seen, but has the weapons program been disbanded? Or was there some reason to pull the CO out of a high-stress position and send him to the beach to take potshots at seagulls? (I am being glib here-- the coast was NOT a stress-free place when you can see your enemy just across the Channel). I genuinely forget what he said he was doing in season three-- was he even still in the army at all, or did they send his ass to the Home Guard? Even they got a campaign ribbon.

I think Cap made one last push to get to the front, and while its very clear that this dingus should under no circumstances be on the front line (<3) they humored him with a medical-- and found something really troubling. Or maybe he went in of his own accord, the old flutter, or maybe it was just a routine checkup. Either way he got some very serious news, so sorry old boy, just one of those things, could be any day now-- best make sure your affairs are all in order.

Hence the single-minded desire to meet, once last time. Everyone else clearly drove-- did he walk all the way from the train station, down the country lanes? Did he feel a little short of breath scaling all those walls? Did every set-back and stressor make him more determined-- just give me a little more time, just a little more time...

It could also be that he just got yelled at so hard he died of it, which is almost certainly how I will go, but that was my immediate impression and it has not left me, nor have I known peace. I know there's a few holes in my theory but I haven't talked myself out of it yet. For me the kicker is that he experiences at least ten devastating emotions in the last moments of his life, but "surprise at entering cardiac arrest" does not appear to be one of them. It looks more like grim acceptance. Stoic in the face of death-- a soldier to the end.

[izartn]

On Blue Lock, Episode Nagi movie:

It was like one of those outsider pov fics from a secondary character pov but official. Given that's one of my fave genres of fic amd I knew that about the movie coming in I enjoyed the perspective it offered, and also the melodrama of NagiReo xD

Also why was the ost so much better than in the anime itself? Did I blitz too quickly through the episodes? It made the kinda recap this was, entertaining as it got, much better. Why XD I hope that ost is in season 2.

Liked how NagiReo were the last ones to cross that door and that Ego had to bait Ngi into it. Would have messed up his 300 teens plan for Blue Lock is these two refused lol though I think he was absolutely prepared for that. Funny how Nagi is the one who gets the Blue Lock mentality despite being the reluctant of the pair.

I loled at how little the other guys in V mattered though, and at the replay of the match against Z, Nagi getting more and more fixated in Isagi and football for himself, to Reo alarm and happiness respectively.

I am not the only one who thinks Nagi is/was depressed due to a lack of challenge and isolation in his life, right? That whole, leave me I don't want to even try, just want to stay in my comfort zone idling the days away....

Going to other matters....

Also. Why did that Isagi and Bachira separation at Stage 2 look 100% more gay than it was in the anime? I swear it was the typical Shonen friendship on the season. Ah I know. Because Nagi, BL character that he is, was there remembering himself and Reo in rosy flashbacks. Hilarious taking what happened just before between them. But then Nagi is confident on their friendship in a way that Reo just isn't.

The contrast between their mental states re:change are so fucking funny in a sad way too. Reo is so insecure, compared to Nagi, I guess it comes from his family reputation and money being all he was before he meet Nagi and so he's insecure about his own merits but really. He's coping about as well as my bestie in HS did to her situationship with another girl collapsing when she was 14, that's the level of gay ass failing were talking about. That Nagi just didn't voice aloud the emotional reassuring parts to Reo during the breakup was so teenage boy of him, he just thinks he's being clear enough and then, everybody else can see Reo is just. Not manging it well. Love that they just fucking went pass Nagi being brutal to Reo on the 3vs3, like. Yes this is Nagi PoV the movie no you don't get to see what the fuck was he thinking. I personally imagine he was trying to like, do a reverse psychology on Reo, but it didn't work(?) (except it kinda did) bc Nagi has a 0 in interpersonal communication. Who knows though. Maybe the manga?

Anyways I'm really happy about that post-credits and additional time! So season 2 is gonna start from the jump after the 50 days timeskip, huh? Not surprised at all by who I saw there as the starting 11 for the U-20 match, of course our protags and company are there.

That after all the movie they end up bringing it back to NagiReo kinda having maked up, and Reo having friends/rivals telling him to quit the sad face, they're gonna be the best is soooo funny. Yes Reo you have friends, you're there on the 25 of 300 even if you're on the sidelines right now, relax XD Happy for him he seems to get friends other than Nagi, he needs more than a (boy)cough(bestie) friend.

And that was it!!! Thanks to @ashen-sky for telling me to wait for the post credits! Very appreciated given almost my whole sala walked out.

[fizziepopangel]

A Fizziepop Take: Let's talk about Stolas and Blitz's Relationship

There's a lot of controversy surrounding the healthiness of this relationship and because it's one of my favorite ships, I wanna break things down. Let's pop the top on this and get into it!

So to start, we have to look at how our favorite business imp and hellish prince learned about love. That of course starts waaaayyyyy back when with baby Stolas and Blizo before the 'o' was silent.

As children, neither boy was ever given a look at a healthy love, nor were they shown love in appropriate proportions. With the little we know of their backstories as of now, it seems that both boys got love primarily from their mothers while seeing their fathers there but not present.... In fact, their fathers are both portrayed as caring only about what the boys could do for them or what they represented at any given time rather than just caring about the boys as their children, with Paimon not even remembering his own son's name and needing to ask the imp assigned to care for him, and Buckzo actually selling his son off to virtual strangers for the day in hopes of robbing the royal family. While I haven't gotten a clear sense of what happened to their mothers, it seems that both women were removed from their children's lives somewhat early on; therefore taking the boys main source of love with them. Given the father figures they had, neither Blitz or Stolas were ever shown love from a masculine point of view, so they had to navigate that on their own.

Going into the two having to navigate love on their own because of the lack of love from parental figures, Blitz has attempted to look for love at almost every turn. This most likely would've resulted in a sting of relationships that were purely sexual or a sting of failed relationships, with Verosika probably being his longest lasting relationship.... Stolas on the other hand had his future planned for him and was told from his childhood that his future wife was already picked for him so he could sire a cautionary heir when the time came. While Blitz went from lover to lover looking for something without knowing what exactly that something was, Stolas tried to make the best of a marriage in which he was constantly reminded that he was unloved and abused.

Now, this is where I think it get's interesting. As he languished in a loveless marriage, Stolas was conditioned by his narcissistic wife to neglect his own emotional needs in order to keep up with meeting hers while also attempting to be a present father for Via once she was born. After not having experienced adequate familial love, then being shoved straight into a major relationship with someone who found her joy in abusing him physically, psychologically, and emotionally, Stolas believed he was supposed to be unwanted and unhappy. The love he knew was "I have to love my wife because....", and then the parental love between Via and him; a relationship that has also begun to hit the rocks because of Stolas not having an understanding of love and therefore getting lost in the slightest inkling of it with Blitz.

Blitz on the other hand, turned his need for love into something almost selfish. I believe he's afraid to be left alone, so in his mind, it makes the most sense to not let anyone too close and/or to be the first to run if something seems to feel too real. I'm inclined to believe that that's what happened with his relationship with Verosika Mayday since, as Moxxie says in the hallucinations in "Truth Seekers", Blitz has become a master of pushing those who do truly try to care about him as far away from him as impishly possible. With this self-sabotage, I believe he's trying to give people a reason to deem him unworthy of receiving love so that he actively knows why people leave rather than being left to wonder what he did wrong to make people want to leave him. The only people he truly seems mostly comfortable with are Millie, Moxxie, and Loona. Blitz's relationship with M&M is actually really interesting because the lack of boundaries he seems to have when it comes to them is linked to him wanting the kind of love they share but not understanding how to get it or what to do when he does because he's spent so much of his life alone and on the run from love like he's a wanted man.

So, now, we have two grown ass demons who struggle to express love while simultaneously craving it. Putting the two together seems logical at this point, so it wasn't super shocking that the ship became canon, but because neither man can express love properly, almost every move they make together seems toxic in some way, shape, or form. And the relationship already started out in a bad place, because of the agreement that was made. With the agreement in place the way it is, Stolas is in a position where he's holding a power over Blitz, and he knows this because when the agreement is made he is the one that puts it in place. This already gives off a very harsh dynamic between the two, but then you also have to add the fact that Stolas also feels like he is only being used for his grimoire. So now you have Blitz in a position where he feels that he is essentially no better than a blow up doll, and Stolas who feels like he is no more than a means to an end. If you add in the fact that both of these men are very bad at communicating, it makes things worse because there are no boundaries or limits set in place for either of them so neither man knows exactly where he stands or how far forward or backward he can step without changing the dynamic of the relationship completely, which is what we see in "Ozzie's".

In the episode "Ozzie's", we see stolas unintentionally change the dynamic of their relationship by not standing up for Blitz when Asmodeus and Fizz started going in on him. He didn't do it to be an asshole, he did it in a moment of panic and self-preservation. Growing up Stolas was constantly taught that he had an image to uphold, being a Prince of hell and dating or sleeping with an imp, which is one of the lowest classes of demons that we see, doesn't go with that image. Stolas has been shamed his entire life and made to feel insignificant and small, and always told if he was not upholding the family standard he was essentially worthless to them. Even his wife would go out of her way to publicly humiliate him in front of family or friends or whoever would go to the parties that she would throw, so he already felt very very low on that totem pole before Blitz drew attention to the fact that they were there and had a spotlight quite literally shown directly on them.

The issue is that Blitz sees this change in their dynamic as intentional. Given the agreement that they have, Blitz already feels as if he's no better than a sex toy because essentially that is what he has been to this man. He does not believe that Stolas could actually genuinely love him, not only because he believes he doesn't deserve love but also because he understands the difference in their statuses and how their dynamic came to be, so he feels very used and taken advantage of. Despite the fact that he does genuinely have feelings for the prince, Blitz believes he's only good for a good time, and Stolas has not done very much to combat that because all of his advances seem sexual or at least sexually suggestive. Well the advances being sexually suggested or sexually motivated is not completely the prince's fault, it's never something he takes into consideration to see if there are other ways to express a desire for the imp. When every other sentence coming out of the prince's mouth has to do with going to bed with him, and Blitz is given nicknames like "my impish little play thing", it would be hard for him to see how he was wanted for something more than just his body. As I said before though, Stolas is not entirely to blame for this issue with Blitz. Blitz is the one who spurred the advances on the first time, and he never stopped to correct him as their relationship progressed to know stolas believes it's just what he likes, and he'll continue to believe that until Blitz himself tells him otherwise.

Similarly, Blitz does treat Stolas like he is a means to an end. I don't believe it's intentional, because you can see in a lot of different scenes where they're together that Blitz does truly care for this man, but his original plan was just to manipulate Stolas into letting him use the grimoire so that he could perform his business and their entire agreement hinges on that exact thing. Outside of taking him to Ozzie's, Blitz never does ask Stolas on a date, or spend very much time with him outside of the bedroom, and even in that episode the only reason he does is because he has an ulterior motive. In the episode taking place at Ozzie's, I believe Blitz is so fixated on studying and living vicariously through what Moxxie and Millie have together, that he himself was not present with Stolas on the date he invited him to, and despite the prince's best efforts, he's not able to reel him back in until the spotlight is on them and Stolas has the immediate reaction to hide himself from the spotlight while leaving Blitz essentially naked and alone in that moment. The action was never meant to hurt him, but it told Blitz that he was an embarrassment to the prince. It solidified the idea that Stolas was essentially lying to him when he said that he wanted him..... And upon leaving, Blitz is so hurt that he wants nothing to do with the prince for that time, and despite trying to show Blitz how bad he feels, Stolas never actually verbally apologizes to him. After Blitz drops him off at home, and verbalizes that he's not in the mood to have sex with him and tells him that he understands that all they are is fuck buddies, Stolas invites him in and offers cuddles but when Blitz ultimately declines he just says good night, rather than offering it real apology, further solidifying Blitz's thinking but he is not worth the care that it would have shown to have an apology.

As I said in the beginning, I do think it is genuinely just coming down to the fact that neither of these men were ever shown how to care for or love another. Well it's true that they are both raising daughters, who they love unconditionally, everything that they have done for their children has been something they had to pull out of themselves. And they have never done that for each other. I don't think the relationship needs to end, especially not on the note that it did the last time they were together, but I think they both need to mature a little bit more and start understanding the communication that needs to happen between them in order for their relationship to move beyond just sex and heartache. If both Stolas and Blitz are willing to put in the work, and communicate with each other openly I think they could have a very, very healthy and wonderful relationship, which they both very much deserve after everything they've been through.

I definitely trust the process of the writing, but I would absolutely love to see this ship continue to be a thing and thrive, but story-wise I don't think either character is there quite yet. Both demons in question still have a lot of growing to do, but even if that is the case and that is the way the story goes, I don't believe that this is the end of their story together. I feel like these characters will always be drawn to each other, and whether or not there is a pause in their relationship well they take time to figure out their own goals, I believe that both of these men find home in each other and they will always be drawn to that peace.

[nyxofdemons]

in fact now that i've had a chance to rewatch and think about the episode more i'm actually losing my mind. we have never, in the entire show, seen blitz actually go OUT OF HIS WAY for ANY relationship. sure, we saw him open up a bit to moxxie in 'truth seekers,' but that was only a bit and only after a severe truth-gas induced hallucination; he has feelings for stolas but even when he does invite him out it's under completely false pretenses - the only relationship we see him put any real effort into is with Loona, and even then, it's not really him going out of his way since Loona is his adopted daughter and is almost always around, and his attempts at fostering a relationship with her are almost exclusively him showering her with affection, rather than any actual attempts at emotional intimacy (not a criticism, just an observation).

but blitz is not only going out of his way to find barbie, he is desperate to make her life better. at the end of 'unhappy campers,' he is insisting that he wants to help her; practically begging her to let him help her. he is breaking into medical centers (apparently, regularly enough that he has a hostile relationship with one specific nurse who recognizes him and already knows what he's there for and what he's trying to do), making calls and threatening people and doing WHATEVER he has to to find her - to not only offer to help her, but just to see her. to have dinner and catch up.

and that is FASCINATING to me, it is making me fucking insane. i've talked about this before but what stands out to me most from the 'truth seekers' hallucination is that blitz thinks he actively makes people worse by being with them. it's heavily implied in the way that verosika is covered in grime and muck that doesn't come off the way it did striker and fizz (i'd argue it's because they both seem to not be dragged down by him, though verosika makes it clear in 'ozzie's' that she was deeply hurt by blitz and still resents him for breaking her heart), and it's also implied within his idolization of stolas - on his beautiful gold and ivory throne, where his presence is enough to turn all of blitz's mud and filth into sparkling light

but barbie doesn't appear in the hallucination. fizz does, and he was from the circus days. striker does, and he and blitz barely have a relationship outside of meta character themes and foils. verosika does, and even though their relationship is implied to have been mutually toxic, she is still very overtly somebody that blitz hurt. he ruined things between them and hurt her.

the only real thread between them is that everyone in that vision, to some extent, is somebody that blitz harbors resentment for. he resents fizz and striker for being everything he isn't or couldn't be - either as a performer or as an assassin - he resents verosika for their relationship, he even to some extent harbors bitterness towards stolas for being so out of touch (and for the fact that blitz has feelings for him at all).

but he doesn't hate barbie. he doesn't even seem to be mad at her at all; the only thing he's upset about is that she didn't try to reach out to him. blitz, who is convinced with his whole chest that he only knows how to hurt people and drag them down, who has burned every bridge to his past for better or worse, spends a whole week going on a one-man rampage to find his twin sister and then asks her to let him help her. i'm going to be fucking sick

[thatstonedwriter]

⋆｡˚ 「 Family History 」 ⋆｡˚

◉ Sinopsis; Blitz tells Loona about the Circus Fire...

◉ A/n- this scene takes place following the events of the party in the Queen Bee episode. Tbh I'm not quite sure how much Loona canonically knows about Blitzø's past, so this is written under the assumption he hasn't said anything to her at all. This is also my first attempt at a longer fic (other than the song drabbles), so hopefully all goes well.

◉ Warnings; mentions of injuries (severe burns), trauma, vomit, swearing

___˙•˚∘✮🌙ᯓ🪐˙•˚∘___

It's not often Blitzø is genuinely vulnerable. It doesn't come easily to him, knowing that talking about his mistakes could mean his worst fears coming to fruition- that everyone he loves will see him the way he sees himself.

After taking care of Blitzø, Loona goes to her room, closing the door and sitting on her bed.

What did he mean about "dying alone"? Sure, Loona has been around Blitzø enough to know he has something going on, but it's not like either of them has sat down to have in-depth emotional discussions. Now, Loona thinks maybe they should.

Loona's snapped out of her thoughts when she hears Blitzø in the living room.

"Fuuuuck.. I did need to throw up."

She chuckles lightly, debating on going out there to clean up and make sure Blitzø was alright- but then she hears him snoring and decides whatever mess is out there can be cleaned in the morning.

Of course, Loona comes to regret that sentiment. Cleaning dried puke off the floor first thing after waking up isn't how she wants to be spending her time. On the couch, Blitzø groans in his sleep, rolling over, only to fall off the couch and land on the floor.

"You're so lucky I'm almost done cleaning or you would've landed in your own puke," Loona snickers.

"Ugh.. Fuck. Thanks, Looney.." Blitzø groans, bringing a hand to his head and wincing. "Shiiit.." Blitzø stumbles as he stands up, falling back onto the couch and sighing as he gets comfortable again.

"There's pain meds and some water on the side table for you.." Loona says as she finishes cleaning up. "You should take it easy today. You went pretty crazy last night." As Blitzø reaches for the pill bottle and water, Loona sits on the opposite end of the couch, casting a concerned glance at him.

"You uh.. Wanna talk about why you drank like five gallons of Beelzejuice?"

The question is more loaded than she realizes, and it hangs between them like a dense fog. That fog had always been there, but only now is Loona realizing how much it obstructed her view of Blitzø. She knew he crossed himself out of pictures, joked about his relationships and therapy, and had.. unusual coping mechanisms- but she never considered why. Loona had no reference for how fucked up either of them were, because they'd both been through so much.

"Dad...?" That tentative question is enough to get Blitzø's attention. His neck practically snaps with how fast he turns his head, but upon seeing the worry on Loona's face, the excitement of being called "dad" wore off, and a new, hauntingly familiar feeling began to creep into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Looney," Blitzø's voice wavers. "It was just.. a rough night."

"You'd said that.. but I'm worried about you. I should know what's going on so I can help you. Loona's eyes dart towards the photos on the wall, and she sighs. "Please?"

Blitzø breathes in deeply and turns to face her. "I.. went to Ozzie's. With Stolas.. and I ran into a couple people I used to know..."

There were so many questions Loona wanted to ask- when had he invited Stolas on a date? And why? Who does Blitzø know that would even be working at Ozzie's? As curious as she is, she doesn't want to get side-tracked.

"Who was it?"

Another loaded question. For a moment, Blitzø doesn't answer. It was bad enough seeing Verosika when she'd been working at their building over spring break. How was he supposed to tell Loona that a pop star he dated- along with his former best friend who he never told Loona about- verbally harassed him in song at a nightclub? A nightclub he was at with his... Stolas- all because he wanted to stalk Moxxie and Millie.

"It was- um- ugh, fuck it. I ran into Verosika and my old friend, Fizz. It wasn't- I didn't know they'd be there."

As interested as Loona would be in hearing about what happened with Verosika, she'd never heard Blitzø mention any past friends before.

"Fizz?"

"Yeah, Fizzarolli. I was in the circus with him for a long time, but.." Blitzø's vision gets blurry as tears well in his eyes. He's quick to wipe them away, clearing his throat, "But that was a long time ago and that asshole doesn't know anything about me anymore!" Deep down, Blitzø knows it isn't true. Even after fifteen years of not speaking, Fizz probably knows Blitzø better than the I.M.P squad.

Loona racks her brain for any memory of Blitzø bringing up this "Fizzarolli" but nothing. But if he's on par with Verosika in Blitzø's mind, he must be pretty important. There are still so many questions jumbled up in her head- and before Loona can think about it, she turns to Blitzø and asks,

"What.. happened.. between the two of you? Why haven't you brought him up before?"

Of all the questions Blitzø dreaded, those were the top two. He tenses, and this time, the tears form and fall faster than he can wipe them away. His chest begins to heave as his eyes dart around the room. "It- It was all my fault.. He has every right to hate me for what happened. But still, for him to fucking take those shots at-"

Blitzø slows down when he feels Loona's hand on his back. "Woah slow down.. what happened?"

Blitzø sighs, scooting further away. It's probably time Loona knew the truth...

"Fifteen years ago, when I was still in the circus, I- I was trying to give Fizz a letter. Fuck," he groans, "It was an accident! I didn't do anything, I just-" Loona stops him. "Hey, you're getting ahead of yourself. It's okay."

Blitzø nods, still not able to meet her gaze. "It all happened so fast. I didn't give Fizz the letter- I shoved past this guy- I didn't see he had candles.." Blitzø decides to leave out the facts that 1, the letter to Fizz was a confession, and 2, it was Fizz's birthday when Blitzø caused the fire.

"The next thing I know.. the tents are up in flames. I went to go back for Fizz, but then," his hand comes up to the scar covering the side of his face, "I tried- I tried to get help but my family's tent was on fire. I had to find-" Blitzø chokes back a sob and wipes his face again. Loona gets up, grabbing some napkins from the kitchen and handing them to Blitz before joining him on the couch.

"I started the fire that burned down the circus. Fizz.. his injuries were so, so bad. I wanted to visit him in the hospital but he didn't want to see me.. and I guess I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to see me either.."

He sniffles, staring down at the floor. He may have adopted Loona, but she's an adult- and could walk out at any time. After this? Why wouldn't she? A moment passes before she speaks up.

"But it was an accident."

"What?"

"You didn't start that fire trying to hurt anyone. It was an accident- a big one- but still."

"I know, but-"

"Listen," Loona said sternly, just to get Blitzø's attention. Once she does, Loona softens her tone, "what happened sucks, and I don't even think you told me everything." She shoots him a knowing glance, to which Blitzø shrugs. "Either way, that doesn't define you. You.. you're good.. and you matter to a lot of people.. so don't act like you're some irredeemable monster! You made a mistake.

Blitzø doesn't say anything. He's not sure if what he heard was real or a projection of what he wanted to hear. But then Loona brings him in for a tentative hug, and he knows for sure; he's not alone. He's not going to be left. Loona doesn't hate him the way he hates himself.

Blitzø's arms tighten around her as he begins to cry.

"Thank you, Looney.. I love you so much.."

He can't see it, but Loona smiles, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I love you too, Dad."