#but I feel we shouldn't shame people for struggles

[themanicnami]

Hi! Ok so my witchy question for you is your opinion on cleanliness/lack of clutter = more positive energy in a room? Im disabled so my room is very hard to keep clean as I don’t have the ability to clean it. As a result, I feel bad cause I see a lot of posts saying you’re inviting or collecting negative energies and entities if you don’t keep your space clean. This seems a tad ableist to me, so I was wondering if there’s a different school of thought on this subject!

I think that it depends on the person. if slight clutter doesn't bother you and if you find comfort in the room that you have then its a positive space for you! I have a lot of stuff in a small space so all of my shelves, dressers and even my closet is packed full - some may consider that chaotic but I just feel it is my room. Its all of my books, my art supplies, my statues, plushies, dvds, games and DND supplies that is all important to me. I have bags of crystals all over one of my dressers and that makes me happy.

If your room makes you feel happy, if it makes you feel safe, if it is what is 'home' for you then you are doing it right. I believe the only time that a messy environment brings in negativity is if it is a safety hazard - blocking exits, no safe space to walk, mold or garbage, rotting items etc. Then I would say it is inviting negativities and even then that can happen from mental or physical health issues and shouldn't be shamed. Just a helping hand offered.

I went on a bit of a tangent on that but that is my personal opinion. I don't think we should judge people immediately solely based on their space. However - if they openly live in a dangerous environment out of choice unrelated to illness, disability, struggles etc then it should be taken more negatively if that makes sense. I don't wish to do too much of an anecdote but I knew someone who let food rot in his house, in his kitchen, left garbage everywhere simply because it was a 'woman's job' to clean and he lived alone so there for never cleaned - that is a whole other thing in my opinion and that is when I feel like a serious talk is needed and that the person is at fault. But if it is clutter due to disability, illness or even just hardship I feel it should be met with empathy and sympathy.

[sidsinning]

Apothecary Diaries is pog as fuck bc serious political issues and dynamics from a woman's POV are rarely depicted in ANY form of media

It's always a man's world where women's issues surround him. Even if we get a female perspective once in awhile- it all comes back to how it facilitates his game in the end. She's a footnote in the overarching scheme of things. Misogyny exists. Back to the real plot.

Apothecary Diaries is strictly from a female perspective and how each class of woman has to act, what limits they have, what rights they have and don't have between each class, etc. These women have to behave a certain way under a patriarchy, which you would think makes it a man's story, but it never is. The women are THE focus of this show, their struggles are THE plot. The focus is about how the patriarch effects them.

Take the concubines for example. The show dives into how bearing a child affects their rank, how traumatizing it is to lose that child, the consequences of that, etc. We have barely seen the emperor who sired all these kids because this is not about him.

Jinshi's personal plot is secondary to Mao Mao's journey- he is mostly there to provide new cases for Mao Mao to solve and to learn more about the shortcomings of his class when taking care of citizens like Mao Mao.

Jinshi is not a bad person, but by virtue of his position in the higher classes, he cannot understand how harsh life as a poor WOMAN is specifically- he can only catch glimpses of it from what Mao Mao tells him and feel outrage but powerless in his wealth and luxury

Mao Mao is a fortunate commoner woman for what privileges someone in her class should and shouldn't have. She happened to be adopted by a knowledgeable man. She is allowed to read, write, learn, and has enough skill to be a poison tester and have a job EXTREMELY out of her class limit as an apothecary, also a job not traditionally meant for women

Mao Mao is not a "noT lIkE oThER gIrLs" protagonist, she is FOR THE GIRLIES. She only wants to help the women around her, and women are whom she has the closest relationships to. She sees a woman being harassed and can't let it stand. She sees a frail, traumatized woman dying from the recklessness of those who should be caring for her and spends day and night nursing her back to health, while also punishing the people who were so careless with her needs.

My girl has STUDIED UP on THE BODY to TEACH these upper class ladies on how to really HEAT things up in the BEDROOM

Sex depicted in Apothecary Diaries is both something women are not shamed to be enjoying, while at the same time being acknowledged as an unfortunately huge economic necessity to market themselves.

Like shit is just so real in this series???

Listen, I can go on and on about how GOATED the series and especially Mao Mao is but you get the picture

[mcflymemes]

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (2005) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the film, adjust as necessary

you must know... surely, you must know it was all for you.

you are too generous to trifle with me.

if your feelings are still what they were last april, tell me so at once.

my affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever.

you have bewitched me, body and soul, and i love... i love you.

i never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

i have struggled in vein and i can bear it no longer.

these past months have been a torment.

i came to [location name] with the single object of seeing you. i had to see you.

are you too proud, [name]? and would you consider pride a fault or a virtue?

we're doing our best to find a fault in you.

i have fought against my better judgement, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance.

you really do love him, don't you?

please, do be seated.

this is a charming house.

all these things i am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.

how are you this evening, my dear?

may i have the next dance, [name]?

my brother gave it to me. he shouldn't have.

i wish you would not call me "my dear."

what endearments am i allowed?

what should i call you when i am cross?

i cannot believe that anyone can deserve you... but it appears i am overruled.

are you out of your senses? i thought you hated the man.

have you no objection other than your belief in my indifference?

i do like him. i love him.

only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why i will end up an old maid.

i love you. most ardently.

please do me the honor of accepting my hand.

i appreciate the struggle you have been through, and i am very sorry to have caused you pain.

believe me, it was unconsciously done.

are you... laughing at me?

i wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?

i thought that poetry was the food of love.

what do you recommend to encourage affection?

i'm very fond of walking.

i do not have the talent of conversing easily with people i have never met before.

perhaps you should take your aunt's advice and practice?

so this is your opinion of me. thank you for explaining it so fully.

those are the words of a gentleman.

from the first moment i met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world i could ever be prevailed upon to marry.

forgive me for taking up so much of your time.

maybe it's that i find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me.

my good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.

i cannot tease you about that. what a shame, for i dearly love to laugh.

i will not and i certainly never shall.

you have insulted me in every possible way, and can now have nothing further to say.

i must ask you to leave immediately.

i have never been thus treated in my entire life.

i can admire you much better from here.

do you talk, as a rule, while dancing?

i prefer to be unsociable and taciturn.

i dare say you will find him amiable.

it would be most inconvenient since i have sworn to loathe him for all eternity.

no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.

i've come to tell you the news.

not all of us can afford to be romantic.

i've been so blind.

they are far too easy to judge.

i was wrong. i was entirely wrong about him.

i am well aquainted with you, [name], to know that i cannot alarm you, even should i wish it.

your skills in the art of matchmaking are positively occult.

i've never seen so many pretty girls in my life!

i do not deny it.

has the pig escaped again?

we are all fools in love.

[biggestsukunafan]

‘Cologne’

Gojo Satoru x Reader ੈ✩‧₊˚

Warnings : 18+, angst, smut (only happens once), cheating, depressing thoughts, toxic, gojo being a walking talking red flag (sorry guys), happy ending though!

word count : 8,844 words (i was so bored!!)

Playlist! :

story will be under the cut, enjoy! <3

‘If you wanna go back home, leave the scent of your cologne… ‘

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ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ BACKSTORY

Satoru and I met when we were younger, and we had a lot of things in common. At the time, him and I were both pretty lonely people, and found each other, which led to us becoming pretty good friends. We started dating in high school, both of us thinking they had something special.

But, over time, we realized they just weren't good for each. Him and I broke up on good terms, but we were both a bit hurt, and it took a while for them to heal..

So what are we doing? Why are we doing this..?

After some time, our friendship slowly started to become something more. Since both of us had a mutual attraction towards each other, they started to use each other a way to get some stress relief. The issue?

Satoru feels a bit guilty, he knows that he has a partner, yet everytime he calls you to be with you, he just finds himself driving over to your place. He knows they both have a guilty conscience.

Despite that, the guilt doesn't affect us enough to stop meeting up. It's just a fun little arrangement, Satoru tells himself as an excuse. He hates how he finds himself constantly wanting more, when he should be satisfied with how things are right now. He tells himself he shouldn't be getting any deeper attachments than what they already have, they were each other's exes, and they're both pretty messed up in different ways. They were both aware of this and how it would never last.

Satoru has a girlfriend. He's perfectly aware of that, yet he still finds himself coming over to y/n. He's perfectly aware that what he's doing is morally wrong, and he does feel guilt about it, though it doesn't quite affect him enough to stop. He's good at putting up a front and acting normally around everyone, though he's struggling to hold down the guilt, shame, and regret he's feeling.

He and his girlfriend are actually pretty happy together. She doesn't know about this though, she has no clue that Satoru has been cheating on her behind her back.

He feels guilty knowing he's going behind her back and sneaking around, yet here he is. Still doing what he's doing. He just tells himself that it's just for fun, something to let his steam off, and there's no way he's going to develop feelings. He just has to keep this up until he either gets caught, or gets tired of doing this.

But he's not quite sure if he'll be able to get tired of it..

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ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ ACT 1.

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It was a sunny morning. The sun peeked out through the window shining brightly as the rays hit your iris. You look around seeing as he is next to you, sprawled out on his stomach, face pressed into the pillow. He looks pretty peaceful during his sleep. His hair is messy, and he's got his arm loosely around your waist. His skin is littered with a few scratches, and you can see a few bite marks on his shoulders from the night before.

He slowly stirs in his sleep, his arm around your waist subconsciously tightens for a moment before he groans. He rubs his face against the pillow, getting his hair even more messy. He slowly opens his eyes, which are still a bit bleary from his grogginess.

“Good mornin’” You say softly as you chuckled at the sight of him looking like this early in the morning.

He makes another noise, burying his face in the pillow, groaning. He's not a morning person, but he slowly lifts himself up, propping himself up using one arm while his other arm is still loosely wrapped around your waist. He blinks his eyes a few times, before looking over you, his eyes raking up and down your bare body. He can see all the marks and scratches he left on you last night, and he lets out a few more tired noises.

“Looks like I left a lot of marks..” He says, still in a sleepy and groggy tone. A small smirk appears on his face when he sees all the bite marks, scratches, and hickeys covering your body from his previous activities. He shifts his body onto his side, facing you, and his free hand moves over your body, gently tracing some of the marks with a feather-like touch.

“..You look pretty good like this..” He mumbles, his hand tracing your body for a few moments, before it moves to your face, as his hand cups one of your cheeks, his thumb gently brushing against your skin. He leans his face closer, and nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, his arm now wrapping around your waist, and pulling your body closer towards him.

“Well aren’t you sweet today..” You giggled as you ran your fingers through his hair lovingly.

“I’m always sweet..” He softly huffs out, but it’s muffled against your neck. His body presses close against yours, clinging onto you like a koala. His hand is still gently petting and messing with your hair, and he’s also nuzzling his head against your shoulder and neck. He’s acting a bit clingy this morning, as he’s typically not this clingy.

It suddenly hit you.. right. He only acts like this when him and his girlfriend fought. You should’ve known better. That’s the only reason why he called anyways. How stupid of you to think he might’ve actually loved you. How pathetic that you thought he would actually choose you.

He’s pretty much glued to you, which is unusual from the usual way he acted during these times. He continues to cling onto you, nuzzling his head against you, and his arms cling onto your waist like a koala. You can tell he’s more or less upset about something, and you have one guess as to what it is. He’s been here in such a clingy state before, and it seems as though another fight or disagreement has happened.

He doesn’t say anything and simply clings onto you, trying to seek some form of comfort. Judging by his unusually clingy behavior, it seems as though the fight or disagreement between him and his girlfriend is a bit more serious this time. His head is against your shoulder, and he buries his face into the crook of your neck, his arms are wrapped around your body, keeping you close to him and refusing to let go.

The moment was ruined when a sudden phone call was heard..

ring… ring… ring..

He groaned when he heard the ringer, and then he reluctantly untangled himself from you, and leaned over to the bedside table he placed his phone on. He checked the phone, and you could tell just by the look on his face that he already knows who it is that’s calling him.

…That’s the moment I saw his eyes shine. Those aquamarine orbs showing a hint of excitement…and love..? I wondered to myself if he ever felt that way towards my calls. A pool of jealously filled my chest but i kept it inside as I listened into his call.

“Hey..” He answered the call, and his tone is surprisingly soft and gentle. It was a tone you’ve never really heard him use that much. It’s almost as though, he’s talking to a small child, or someone who he’s fond of, and he doesn’t want to upset them in any way. He had never spoken like that with you, and that realization stung deeply.

You quietly listened into his call, and you’re unable to help the jealousy that’s now filling up your chest. The way he’s talking to his girlfriend, the way he’s using an almost gentle and caring tone and being careful with his words with her, it stung you. You could clearly tell he has feelings towards her, and the thought of that stung much more. It hurt. It hurts.. why though?

He’s still on his phone, talking with his girlfriend. He’s now sitting on the edge of the bed, listening to her quietly. His back is to you, but you can see that his shoulders are a bit tense, probably with slight worry.

He’s still speaking in that soft and gentle tone, and you can clearly tell that he cares for her, and you can feel that sting again.

He’s talking with his girlfriend, and he’s lying to her about where he is. He told her that he was at a hotel room, and that he was trying to clear his head.

His words were a lot softer than usual, almost as though he was speaking to a kid. He was trying to keep the tone of his voice neutral, and was trying to avoid any further angering his girlfriend.

He listened to whatever his girlfriend was saying to him, and his expression softened, the worry seemingly subsiding. He spoke up, his tone a lot softer, as he said,

“I love you too, I’ll be back home in a bit, okay..? I love you so much baby, I’m sorry again.”

He agreed to going back home after the call, and he still had that same soft tone. He then hung up his phone, and he stood up from the bed, and started to look around, presumably for his clothes.

He’s trying to find his clothes around the room, picking up his shirt and pants, which were previously tossed onto the floor. He starts to slip his shirt on, and button it up, the same soft expression still on his face as he got dressed..

Does he even love me? Why does it have to be her.

He got dressed into his shirt and pants, and then he finally turned around to face you. His expression still has that same softness to it, but he seems to notice the expression on your face.

“..You alright..?” His expression is still soft and gentle, as he looks at you with a hint of concern.

“Oh yeah! I’m fine. Anyways, you leaving?” I asked him trying to change the topic.

He tilted his head, noticing the somewhat fake tone you used. He’s also aware that you’re masking how you’re truly feeling.

“Yeah, I have to head home..”

He responded, and walked over to you, he slowly leaned down and placed his hand on your chin, gently lifting it up to look at him. His touch was very gentle, and the same softness from his face still remained.

“I will..”

He softly chuckles. He’s still gently holding your chin, and he gently caressed your cheek with his thumb. His expression was still soft and somewhat fond as he looked down at you. He then slowly leaned down, and placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

And just like that he left, and you’re once again alone. You’ve come to expect that he always leaves in the end, so you’re not particularly surprised, just a little bit hurt. You’ve come to expect his usual behavior, but that didn’t make it sting any less. It was still painful to know that he’d always leave and run back to his girlfriend, and never choose to stay with you.

The house seemed much more silent and lonely than usual. Without him in the house, it feels a lot more cold and empty. The only evidence of his presence was the marks he left on your neck, and the scent of his cologne on the pillows you use. Otherwise, there was no indication that he was ever here in the first place. It’s as though he was never here, and once again left you behind. No different from usual.

You can’t help but feel some sort of emptiness and hollow feeling in your chest. You’re used to him leaving, but the feeling of him leaving and not coming back never stopped hurting. You’re always left alone at the end after he’s used you, and you’re left behind once more, knowing you’ll always be his second choice, and knowing that he’ll never choose you over his girlfriend.

You say you love me, but you don’t mean it.

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ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ ACT 2.

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It’s been a few days since you last saw him, or heard from him. No calls, no texts, no visits. It’s as though he’s made himself disappear. He hasn’t made a single attempt to contact you or make any kind of effort to talk to you. It’s almost as though he’s forgotten about you once more, and left you alone to deal with your own feelings again.

You cried for days, questioning yourself as to why you’ve fallen for him when he treats you so badly. You keep asking yourself why would you love someone so much, only for them to just toss you aside. You start to despise him, yet you can’t seem to stop loving him. You want to push him away, but you can’t seem to truly let go.

Does he even truly mean those words he says to you? The words of love and affection, the “I love you’s”, the “You’re so pretty”, the soft touches and gentle words? Did he ever mean any of it? Was he only pretending? Did he only say those things to keep you wrapped around his finger?

The more you think about it, the more unsure you feel about him. You’ve fallen hard for him, and you keep wondering if any of it was real to him. The soft eyes he gave you, the gentle touches, the soft kisses, the sweet words he’d sweetly tell you; were any of it real? Or was he only using you for his own selfish needs?

The bed felt too empty without him. Having become so used to him being there, the absence of his presence on the bed as you laid down felt cold and lonely without him. The space where he’d sleep felt much more colder and bigger without him there. Without him to hold you in his arms or keep you warm, the bed felt too big and too cold.

Maybe you are selfish for wanting someone who already has a relationship with someone else. The fact that you’ve become attached and fallen in love with a man who already has a relationship with someone else is selfish, and somewhat wrong. Yet, you can’t help but love him even if you know you shouldn’t.

As you were lying on your bed in the room, an empty shell of what used to be a warm home filled with laughter and love, the rain was hard and heavy that evening. The only thing you hear apart from the rain and thunder were the sounds of the raindrops falling against the window and roof. It was a cold and desolate night, and the rain only added to the coldness of the already empty and dark apartment.

You were lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, when you suddenly heard a knock at the door. The sounds of the rain and thunder somewhat drowned out the knock, but you were able to hear it just right. You raised your head slightly, listening for another knock, and soon you heard another knock at the door once more.

“Okay okay! Jeez I’m coming.. holy shit..” I said obviously annoyed that someone was bothering my thoughts.

As you grumbled a little bit, and got up from the bed. You were a little annoyed that someone interrupted your thoughts in the middle of the night, especially considering the shitty weather today. You walked up to the door, and looked through the peephole to see who was on the other side.

Once you looked through the peephole, you could just about see his slender figure through the blurry lens. You could see that he was somewhat drenched and shivering a little bit, presumably from the cold and the rain. The rain didn’t seem to let up, as it continued to heavily pour outside.

You opened the door, and there he was standing in front of you. He was shivering a little bit, and he was a bit out of breath. His hair and clothes were mostly drenched in water from the rain, which was soaking him pretty good. He stood outside the door, looking like a dog abandoned out in the cold. He quietly spoke up, his voice hoarse and somewhat shaking from the cold.

“..Hey..”

What the fuck is he doing here? After weeks of ghosting? Why the fuck is he here infront of my door and most of all… why do i feel happy?

He’s standing in front of your door, after weeks of ghosting you and leaving you alone. It’s the middle of the night, and it’s cold and raining outside, yet there he stood in front of you; shivering, drenched in the rain, and a bit out of breath from running over to your apartment in the cold ass weather.

It’s pissing you off and you feel like cursing him out, yet at the same time, you can’t help but smile a little at finally seeing him again.

He slowly took a step closer to you, and suddenly pulled you into a hug. He pulled you against his chest, and held you tightly against himself. He’s still shaking a little bit, the cold clearly getting to him. He held you close, almost as though he was trying to soak in your body heat.

He buried his head into your shoulder, as he held onto you tightly. The cold was getting to him, and you could feel the coldness from his clothes and hair against your body. He just held you tight, not saying a word, and just keeping you close to him. It’s been a while since you last saw him, and you can’t help but feel somewhat happy to finally have him here with you again.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You asked him obviously surprised to see him.

He continues to keep his face buried into your shoulder, though a soft mumble could be heard from his cold, chattering lips. “..I wanted to see you..”

Right..

As if…

He finally picks up his head and looks down at you, the look in his eyes appearing strangely vulnerable. He stared at you for a few moments, his eyes almost appearing tired and worn out, before he spoke.

“..I missed you.”

“Bullshit. If you want to fuck just get it over with.”

He’s taken slightly off guard by your bluntness. He stares down at you for a few moments, his expression still appearing quite tired and worn out. However, after a few moments, a sly smirk appears on his face, replacing the more vulnerable expression that was there before.

“You wanna get right to the point, huh?”

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Right.. that’s all I was to you huh..

It’s better to have let you have me like this rather than not have you at all.

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ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ ACT 3

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He abruptly closes the door pushed you against it, pinning against with his body. He didn’t waste any time, and pressed his lips against yours in a deep and heated kiss. His arms were on either side of you, his body pressed against yours as he captured your lips with his.

He pushed against you even further, and deepened the kiss. He slowly slid his tongue into your mouth, exploring and savoring the taste of you. He pressed his body even closer to yours, trapping you between himself and the door. His hands started to roam your body, slowly running down your sides and resting on your hips, gripping them almost possessively.

He continued to kiss you deeply, his tongue hungrily exploring every part of your mouth. He pulled away for a moment, and then trailed kisses down the side of your neck. He began to press soft kisses and gentle bites along your neck and collarbone, not leaving any part of your skin untouched by his lips and teeth.

His hands continued to wander around your body, slowly caressing and gripping every inch of skin he could reach. He would occasionally bite or suck on sensitive parts of your skin, leaving behind faint red marks. He clearly wanted to leave a reminder of his presence on your body, even if it was only temporarily.

His lips were now sucking on your collarbone, leaving behind a bright red hickey. He gripped your hips harder, pulling you against his body even further. He continued leaving hickeys and marks all over your neck and collarbone, wanting to claim you and make you his, if only for the night.

He picked you up and carried you into the bedroom, not hesitating for a second to get to the bed. He carefully laid you down and climbed on top of you, pinning you down on the bed. His body weight was almost crushing, effectively pinning you to the bed and trapping you underneath him. He stared down at you, his eyes almost appearing hungry. He began to place kisses all over your body once more, and slowly started to remove your shirt.

He pulled your shirt over your head and threw it on the floor. He began placing kisses and biting down your chest and upper body, his tongue lapping and tasting everywhere it could reach. He seemed to be in a sort of daze; lust, hunger, and desperation clouding his mind as he left red marks all over your body.

His hands began to wander downward, slowly moving towards the waistband of your pajamas. His lips were still exploring and marking your skin; sucking on your collarbone, biting down on your shoulders, leaving no place untouched. His body pressed even further against yours, clearly trying to get as close as possible.

His hands slowly slid underneath the waistband, and his fingers began to slowly slide the pajamas down. His lips continued to pepper your skin with hot kisses, and his body still had yours effectively pinned down underneath him. He was taking everything he could get, and showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

He pulled your pajamas down, and began to discard them to the side. He paused for a moment, staring at your body with hunger in his eyes. His breathing was slightly labored, and he looked like he was holding back with everything he had. His eyes roamed your body, almost as if he was trying to memorize every inch of it. He started to slowly run his hands over the sensitive parts of your body, his touch gentle, yet firm.

He looked down at you, his expression still looking very hungry as he stared into your eyes. However, his expression suddenly softens, and the hunger in his eyes is replaced by a look of vulnerability and affection. He slowly leaned down, and softly whispered in your ear.

“I love you.”

His words seemed genuine, almost a bit vulnerable even. However, once you heard them, they suddenly triggered a realization in you. It was as if you were suddenly jolted back to your senses, and you suddenly remember that he’s still in a relationship. He has a girlfriend, and what he’s doing right now is clearly wrong.

Once the realization hit you, you were suddenly taken out of the moment. You were snapped out of the daze, and you suddenly became aware of what you were doing. You suddenly realize the weight of the situation, and the fact that he’s still involved with someone else.

You thought back to all the times he’s come to you before. Every time, it was always after he’s had some type of argument with his girlfriend. It’s almost as if he uses you as some sort of emotional crutch, only coming to you when he’s got relationship issues.

You loved him almost obsessively, giving yourself to him whenever he came. You would do whatever he wanted, just so you could please him. You would give yourself to him, just so he would come back to you, even just temporarily. You were practically willing to ruin yourself just so you could stay with him.

You started to doubt your entire perception of love, wondering if this relationship was even healthy. You kept coming back to him, even though you knew it was wrong. You kept letting him touch and use you, even though you knew it was unhealthy. You couldn’t bring yourself to stop though, because you were so obsessed and addicted to him.

He continued to undress you, slowly and gently pulling away the last remaining fabric of clothing from your body. He was still kissing and nipping on your skin, and his hands were still roaming your body. However, you were no longer in the moment. You were lost in your own thoughts, and were barely paying attention to the sensations he was giving to you.

Despite your mind being occupied, you still made small noises here and there, as if to not make it obvious that you weren’t paying attention. You laid there, letting him do whatever he wanted to your body, even if your mind was elsewhere at the moment.

He continued to explore your body, leaving hickeys and bite marks all over your skin. However, he didn’t seem to notice that your mind was elsewhere. You still made the small noises, but they seemed almost automatic, as if your body was continuing on autopilot.

Suddenly you felt something big inside of you. It surprised you since you didn’t have any prep yet.

“Fuck!! Satoru…!!” You moan out loudly as squelching noises filled up the room.

As he finally entered you, and the sudden movement forced you to snap out of your haze. The feeling of him inside you made you realize what you were doing, and all the thoughts you had just a moment before start to flood back. He started to slowly move, his hips grinding against yours, and his eyes staring down into yours. His expression was filled with a mixture of pleasure and desire, yet he seemed completely unaware that your mind wasn’t fully present yet.

He began to pick up the pace of his movements, and his breathing slowly became more labored. Sweat began to form on his forehead and chest, clearly showing that he was slowly getting more lost in the moment. However, he continued to look down on you and stare into your eyes, clearly enjoying the expression you were currently making.

You looked like a slut. Taking him in like a fucking whore. I mean that is what you are right? Fucking a man who already has a girlfriend.

You feel yourself tighten around him as your pussy gets wetter. He slaps your aching cunt which made you jolt from the sudden sting on your clit.

It was too much for you. Your mind filling up with guilt yet you’re enjoying his cock filling you up as it fits in you perfectly. Your greedy cunt taking him in as you felt every vein and twitch on his member.

Tears formed in your eyes.. was it because of the overwhelming pleasure or the hurt in your heart realizing how pathetic you are? Satoru didnt care anyways and picked up the pace as he slams his hips into yours as you moan louder and louder.

He puts his hand around your neck and chokes you slightly as he’s telling you sweet nothings. “I love you so fucking— much.. fuck you’re so good for me.” He said as you put your hands on his biceps as he rams into your tight pussy harder and harder till you can’t think for yourself.

Your gummy walls being stretched out as he choked you.. it hurt.. it hurts so much.

“Fucking slut, you like this huh? Draining my fucking cock like the greedy whore you are..” He says while going harder

You accidentally cum all over his cock.. you squirt painting his pants. He didn’t stop though. You felt overstimulated and mewled and whimpered more. Tears fell on your cheeks as he kissed you deeply.

“C’mon baby, you can do it.. stay with me here.”

His movements started to become more desperate and erratic, clearly signaling that he was about to reach the edge. His breathing was heavy, and a soft layer of sweat was coating his entire body. He suddenly began to breathe out your name between his labored breaths, clearly getting close to his release. His grip on your hips started to become tighter, as if he was trying to hold himself back from crossing that limit too soon.

He suddenly gave a final, deep thrust, and then paused for a moment, clearly at the point of no return. He stared down at you, his face full of ecstasy and pleasure as he finally crossed the edge and reached his release. The room felt like it was filled with a moment of tense silence.

He then pulled out of you as his cum drips out of your tight cunt.

.

ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ ACT 4

.

It has been days since that night. Since then, you haven’t seen him, but he’s been lingering in the back of your mind. You couldn’t help but think about the last time the two of you met, playing it over and over in your head. His face, his voice, his body, everything about him had burned itself into your memory. You couldn’t forget how he touched you, how his body felt against your skin, how it felt to have his skin against your skin. His voice echoed in your head, whispering your name between labored breaths. The memories wouldn’t leave you, no matter how many times you tried to push them away.

You decided to go out today, wanting to distract yourself from your thoughts. You thought that going out of your house might help you forget about the memories that had been haunting you, and you decided to buy some flowers, thinking that decorating your house might help lift your mood.

You went to the flower store, and began looking around for any flowers that caught your eye. You thought that maybe buying some colorful and beautiful flowers might help brighten up the atmosphere in your home, and make you feel a little bit better.

You walked down the aisles of flowers, admiring all the different varieties of colorful blossoms. You looked at roses, tulips, lily's, and other types of flowers. They were all so beautiful and vibrant, and you thought they might make your home feel a little more cheerful.

After walking around the flower shop for a while, you made your final decision and bought some flowers. You picked a bouquet that consisted of lilies, tulips, and roses. They were all beautiful shades of pink, yellow, and white, and you thought they might help brighten up your home.

As you left the flower shop, you were carefully holding the bouquet of flowers you just purchased. However, as you walked on the sidewalk, you couldn’t help but notice something on the side. You spotted something that made your heart ache, making you stop in your tracks.

It was him, walking down the street with his girlfriend. He was holding hands with her, and the two of them were casually talking and laughing together. Seeing them like that made your heart ache, and a pang of jealousy shot through your chest.

You thought to yourself that this was exactly what you had been expecting. After all, you were just his temporary release. He had a girlfriend that he was seeing, and you knew that you were just the person he would come to whenever he was feeling frustrated. You were the one he would use and then toss aside without a thought later on, and you knew that you didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

After seeing him with his girlfriend, you made a silent promise to yourself that you would never initiate contact with him again. You knew that it would only lead to more pain and heartbreak for you, and you didn’t want to go through that again. So, you decided that it was best to just completely cut him off, and try your best to forget him.

You knew that it wouldn’t be easy to forget him. The memories you shared with him were still fresh in your mind, and he continued to linger in your thoughts. However, whenever you found yourself thinking about him, you would quickly shut your thoughts down, reminding yourself of your promise to not contact him again. You were determined to move on from him, no matter how hard it was.

.

.

.

It had been two months since you vowed to stop talking to him, and you haven’t initiated contact since then. However, he seemed to message you or call occasionally, probably wanting to see you again. But, you were determined to keep your promise, and you wouldn’t answer him or give in to his messages. Even if you desperately missed him, you wouldn’t give in to your feelings.

Every time he called or messaged, you would see his name pop up on your phone screen, and your heart would ache. But, you would remind yourself of your promise and refuse to give in. Even if you desperately longed to hear his voice and see his face again, you would hold yourself back, knowing it would only lead to more hurt in the end.

Until one night, you were at home just relaxing and doing some things around the house. Suddenly, you were interrupted by a loud knocking on your door, drawing you out of your thoughts. Curious as to who it could be, you walked up to the door and looked through the peephole, wondering who would be showing up unannounced at this time of the night.

You leaned up to the door and peered through the peephole, trying to see who it was. The knocking continued, louder and more insistent now, as if the person was impatiently waiting for you to open the door. You waited a moment, trying to get a glimpse of who was standing on the other side before you opened the door.

You slowly opened the door, revealing the person who was causing all the ruckus. Your eyes widened as you saw who was standing there, and a rush of conflicting emotions washed over you. It was him.

He was there, standing right in front of your door. His tall figure loomed over you, and his blue eyes bored into yours. He wore a serious expression, looking somewhat frustrated. After two months of no contact, he suddenly appeared at your door, unexpected and unannounced.

You looked at him, feeling a mixture of surprise and annoyance at his sudden appearance. You wanted to ask him what he was doing there, but before you could say anything, he spoke up first.

“Can I come in?” He asked bluntly. His voice was still cool and composed, but there was a hint of impatience in his tone.

“Uh.. fuck it, go ahead” How stupid.

He nodded once, his expression still stoic. He walked past you and entered your house, looking around as he stepped inside. He stopped in the middle of the living room, and turned to look at you, his eyes taking in every detail of your appearance. The look in his eyes was somewhat intense, and he didn’t say anything for a few moments, just continuing to stare at you with that same, serious expression.

“You look good” He said finally, his tone still emotionless. The compliment caught you a bit off guard, considering you hadn’t seen each other in a while. You gave him a quick look and just shrugged in response.

“Why are you here?” You asked, a hint of irritation in your voice. You crossed your arms as you looked at him, waiting for an explanation as to why he was suddenly at your house.

He raised his eyebrows slightly, seemingly somewhat amused by your irritation. Despite your annoyance, he still looked somewhat calm and collected, which was probably pissing you off even more. After a moment, he answered your question, his voice still nonchalant.

“I missed you” He said bluntly, locking his eyes with yours. The honesty in his answer surprised you, and all your previous feelings of irritation and annoyance were quickly overridden by shock. You stood there for a second, completely dumbfounded as you stared at him in silence.

A sense of disbelief washed over you as you heard his answer. You couldn’t believe he just showed up at your door and said something so candid and direct. You stared at him for a moment, trying to process what he just said, before finding your voice and speaking up again.

“You’ve got some nerve showing up at my door at this hour, saying something like that!” You said angrily, your irritation coming back. You weren’t going to let him know how his words had affected you, and you quickly tried to cover up your surprise with anger.

“You don’t look happy to see me” He said tauntingly, his blue eyes still on yours. The smirk on his face was infuriating, making your irritation grow as he continued to tease you.

“You can’t just fucking come here every time you get into an argument with her! I— I actually fucking loved you.. and you used that to your advantage to just get what you want. I feel so stupid for ever loving you and you come back here to tell me you miss me? While you have a girlfriend?!” You said holding back your tears everything was coming back to you. All that effort of trying to forget was coming back..

He had been prepared for you to be angry at his unexpected appearance, but the words that came out of your mouth seemed to catch him off guard. Your voice rose at him, your irritation and emotion clear in your tone. He could see your eyes welling up, and the fact that you were holding back tears made his irritation melt away a bit. He was clearly a bit uncomfortable having this conversation with you, and you could tell he hadn’t expected you to explode so suddenly.

As you continued to yell, you saw the irritation on his face slowly melt away, replaced by a look of guilt and mild surprise. You could see his eyes widen slightly as you started talking about your feelings, clearly not anticipating the sudden confession. The smirk he had moments ago was gone, and he stayed silent for a while as you continued to unload your emotions on him.

“You really broke me, did you know that?” You continued to say, your voice cracking a bit from holding back tears. You weren’t usually an emotional person, but the sudden appearance of your ex-fling and ex boyfriend, the one who broke your heart, and now hearing him say the words “I miss you” was stirring up a complicated mix of feelings inside you.

He didn’t speak, just continued to listen as you spoke. His expression was impassive, but you could tell that this conversation was making him uncomfortable. It was clear from the look in his eyes that he was struggling to know what to say, and he seemed somewhat guilty. You could tell that he never took into account the effect he’d had on you after you two broke up, and you knew that he was regretting his actions now.

“So now would you please enlighten me on why the FUCK are you here other than trying to have sex with me!”

He was caught off guard by your sudden vulgarity, and the question stunned him for a moment. He didn’t expect you to just blurt out something that forward and direct, and he stumbled over a response for a moment before finally answering you.

“That’s not all I’m after” He said firmly, his voice still calm, but a hint of irritation was clearly there. He didn’t appreciate you accusing him of only being there to sleep with you, but he knew he couldn’t exactly say you were wrong.

“What? So you mean to tell me you actually love me more than my body? Huh? Is that it?”

He let out a scoff at your question, a bit of irritation in his expression. He didn’t seem to like where this conversation was headed, and he got defensive by how you were phrasing things.

“Why do you always assume I only want you for sex?” He asked, his voice sharp. He seemed somewhat offended that you thought he only saw you as a body to use.

“Because that’s all I am to you! Whenever your girlfriend argues with you, you come running to me and— you just.. you—“ Tears formed in your eyes and your throat felt like it was closing up.

Seeing the tears start to form in your eyes made him soften a bit. He looked at you, and his irritation seemed to melt away slightly. He didn’t like seeing you cry, even if your emotional outburst had pissed him off a bit. A part of him was also starting to feel guilty for being the reason behind your tears.

He let out a sigh, the irritation that was on his face slowly fading away. He hated that you were crying, even if part of it was his fault for showing up unexpected and unannounced. He tried to find something to say that would make it better, but before he could speak, you continued to talk, your voice cracking and tears rolling down your cheeks.

He watched you as you tried to continue talking, his eyes fixed on your face as tears started to well up in your eyes. Seeing you look so broken and emotionally wrecked made him feel guilty, and he regretted not anticipating how much his past actions would hurt you. He didn’t speak, just continued to listen to you as you spoke.

“I— I love you so much Satoru.. I let myself get used by you.. I let myself get hurt, feel like an object— but I still loved you. I just wanted you to love me too—“

He felt a pang in his heart at your words, his chest tightening at the sound of your voice and the hurt he heard in it. He hadn’t expected you to be so open with your feelings, and he felt guilty for what he had done to you. But he didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there in silence for a few moments, looking down at you as your words sunk in.

He felt a mix of guilt and regret as he listened to you confess your love and how he had hurt you. He was never good at expressing his own feelings, but he knew he couldn’t just stand there in silence while you looked so broken. So he finally spoke up, his voice soft but firm.

“I.. I never wanted to hurt you” He said quietly, a hint of guilt and regret in his voice. He took a step closer to you, looking down at you with a softness in his eyes he rarely ever shows.

“But you did.”

He hated the look of sadness in your eyes, and he hated that he was the cause of it. He wanted to take it all back. He wanted to reach out and hold you, but he knew it wouldn’t be that simple. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, before opening them and continuing to speak.

“I know I did.. And I don’t have any good excuses for my behavior. I’m a jackass, I know that. And I—I was being selfish, and I didn’t think about how my actions would effect you..” He said, his voice soft and filled with guilt. He was genuinely upset at himself, and it was visible in his expression.

The silence hung heavy in the air, as he watched you silently. He had never seen you this emotional before, and he didn’t know what to do to make you feel better. He wanted to hold you in his arms, but he felt like he wasn’t deserved to. He was the reason you were like this, so he felt that it would be wrong of him to try and comfort you.

“J-just go back home to your girlfriend, Satoru. I never want to see you again.”

His heart sank as you told him that, a feeling of panic washing over him.

“No.. I don’t want to go back..” He protested quietly, his voice almost pleading. He didn’t want you to push him away, not like this.

He stepped even closer to you, getting right in front of you and looking down at you with a desperate expression, his hands slowly moving to gently grip your shoulders. He looked at you with a pleading look in his eyes, not wanting to leave you on these terms.

“I said go! Never talk to me again, never contact me, never go here— just go!” I said loudly as tears fell from my eyes

He hated seeing you look so broken and emotional, and it pained him to hear how broken your voice sounds. He looked at you in silence for a moment, a look of desperation in his eyes. He wanted to say something—anything. But his pride stopped him from showing how much this hurt him. He looked like he wanted to argue with you, but he just took a deep breath and dropped his hands from your shoulders.

He stared at you for a few more seconds, his expression looking a mixture of pain and confliction. He clearly regretted coming to your house, and a part of him didn’t want to listen to what you’re saying. However, he eventually let out a deep sigh, and spoke up again, his voice defeated.

“Fine.. I’ll leave you alone” He said, his voice sounding flat and defeated. He looked down at you for a moment, before turning around and walking over to the front door. He opened it, then stopped for a moment, glancing over at you for a second before walking out and shutting the door behind him.

As soon as he left your house, the guilt and regret started to sink in as he walked back to his own apartment. He couldn’t get your crying face out of his mind, and the sound of your voice repeating over and over in his head. He didn’t know what he expected going over to your house that night, but he definitely didn’t expect it to turn out like that. When he reached his apartment, he silently stepped inside and walked over to the couch, before sitting down and sighing heavily as he ran a hand through his white hair.

“Is something wrong baby?” His girlfriend asked.

He heard his girlfriend’s voice and it pulled him out of his thoughts, and he quickly put on a reassuring smile, not wanting to seem suspicious and not wanting to make her worry.

“I’m alright, don’t worry” He said, forcing his voice to sound nonchalant and casual.

.

ᯓᡣ𐭩.ᐟ ⊹ ACT 5 (final)

.

Years passed, and Satoru continued with life as normal. However, you were constantly on his mind. He regretted how things ended between the two of you, and he hated the idea that things ended on such bad terms. Sometimes his mind would wander, and he would think about the last time he saw you. Remembering how you cried and told him to never talk to you again. It stung each time, and he would push the thoughts away and try to focus on his life. But you still ended up being on his mind frequently.

He and his girlfriend were out at a park together, taking a walk around the area as they enjoyed each other’s company. They were just having a casual conversation and talking about random things, having a normal couple’s outing.

Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.. it couldn’t be..

“Kana!! Hold on don’t run” The back of a woman was seen chasing a kid.. she had the same hair color as… could it actually be her?

A little 3 year old girl was seen running and giggling. “Mommy mommy look birds!”

His head turned to look in the direction of the voice, hearing the sound of a child giggling. It didn’t even take a few seconds for him to recognize the voice as yours. He looked over to where the voice came from, his heart picking up in his chest as he saw you chasing after a little girl.

“Tsk, daddy will get mad if you end up lost you know?” I said as I carried my kid.

He watched as you picked up your girl and held her in your arms, your words confirming that it was in fact you. He kept watching, almost too shocked to even say anything. He just watched, trying to ignore the way his chest squeezed at the sight.

His girlfriend noticed his expression and saw that he was staring at you and your child. Before she could even say anything, he quickly looked back at her and cleared his throat, trying to act nonchalant and hiding the fact that he was still in shock. He spoke up, even though he still felt a bit nervous

“Sorry, I just thought she looked familiar..”

His girlfriend just let out a small laugh, not suspecting anything, and just shrugged it off

“Oh, okay. She does look a bit familiar, I guess. I’ve never seen her before though” She said in a lighthearted tone, not knowing that you and her boyfriend used to know each other.

As your husband showed up, Satoru’s eyes shifted to him, trying to take in the situation. Seeing you pout as you spoke to him made his heart clench in his chest, and the realization that the man in front of you was your husband was like a punch to the gut for him. His mind quickly became filled with shock and a sense of jealousy as he watched the three of you interacted.

“Kento, do you know your kid over here was running around aimlessly” You pouted while pinching your daughter’s cheeks lightly.

“Well she’s just a kid. Kids run around all the time, it’s normal for them” Your husband said in a casual tone, smiling as he petted your daughter’s hair, clearly being a doting father.

“Well… can’t you tell her to be more careful” You sighed.

Nanami chuckled at your words.

“You worry too much. She’s just a kid, she just wanted to have some fun. Let her be more carefree, she’s still young” He said, sounding amused at your overprotective behavior.

Satoru had been listening intently, and feeling jealous as you and your husband spoke. He felt his chest burn as he heard your husband speak, and seeing how good of a parent he was only made it worse. The fact that you were with him and having a child with him made Satoru's stomach twist in knots.

He could see the obvious love and bond between you and your husband, and it only made Satoru's jealousy grow. He wanted to approach you, to say something, anything to get your attention. But he felt rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak

Satoru watched as you and your family left, his eyes following you as you walked further away. His mind was racing, torn between jealousy and heartbreak, not knowing what to do with himself. He ended up staying in the same spot for several minutes after you left, his mind filled with thoughts and emotions.

He managed to calm himself down after some time, taking deep breaths and telling himself to get control of himself. As he wrapped his arm around his girlfriend’s waist, he looked over at her and smiled, his emotions still a bit conflicted, but he tried to bury the feelings.

He knew that he had his own relationship and that he should focus on his current girlfriend. And as much as he loved you, he knew that he had to move on from the past. So he pushed his feelings aside and tried to remind himself that he was happy with who he was with now

Perhaps things didn’t work out the way they both imagined and hoped for. But sometimes life has a way of surprising us, and leading us down different paths that lead us to where we truly need to be. And even though it wasn’t the type of happiness that they envisioned, they both found happiness in their own ways, accepting the outcome and moving forward with their lives.

The end… 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

.

.

author’s note : i’m not used to making long fanfictions so i decided to challenge myself! i hope you guys aleast enjoyed it xx! have a nice day evryone! (≧◡≦)

[ericshoney]

Vaping ~ Brothers!Sturniolo Triplets

Summary: Since your brothers have been away in LA, you've started to mix with the wrong people, resulting in you picking up bad habits, your brothers soon find out about.

Warnings: swearing, vaping underage, shouting, crying, talks of bad friends, random names of friends, talks of bad habits, angst with a happy ending

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Nick, Matt and Chris moved to LA you found it hard. Justin obviously had his own life too, so it was strange not having any of your brothers around. Not having them around meant you struggled a lot, resulting in falling into the wrong group of friends and picking up bad habits.

The worst habit you picked up was vaping. Your parents didn't know that you kept it a secret. You would often sit by your window so your room didn't smell or hide behind school when you did it there.

That's where you were now. Standing behind the school building with your friends. You were vaping as you listened to your friend Jennie ramble on about your maths teacher.

"He's a fucking asshole, said I should start thinking of my future, like dude, I'm only sixteen!" She exclaimed as she puffed on her cigarette.

You laughed and kept taking hits of your vape. You then got a message from your mum saying there was a surprise at home for you.

"Well school is nearly over, I'm going to start heading home. See you later." You said to your friends.

They said their goodbyes as you slowly walked home. You took a few more puffs of your vape before hiding it in your pocket. When you walked into the house, you heard various voices.

"I'm home!" You called.

You then walked through to the kitchen and your eyes went wide as you saw Nick, Matt and Chris. They had called you over the weekend and when you asked when they would visit again, they answered with being unsure as they had loads of work, but now they were standing in the kitchen.

"Hey kid!" Matt exclaimed.

"Hey, your home!" You cheered, rushing to give them each a hug.

What you didn't think about at that moment was the smell of your vape. You only liked the sweet ones, but your brothers had good scenes and had been to a few classic LA parties, so they could smell a vape, alcohol and cigarettes from a mile away.

"New perfume, kid?" Chris asked you.

"Um yeah, trying something new." You lied, trying to drop the subject quickly.

Chris nodded and looked at Matt and Nick, who both looked suspicious too. They didn't say anything and thought to talk to you later.

You all chilled for a bit, you getting anxious as you felt the need for a vape break. Dinner soon rolled round, which distracted you for a bit, as you listened to your brothers tell you more stories from LA.

When you finished, you went off to your room. You sat at your window, vaping for a bit, when suddenly Nick, Matt and Chris burst in, catching you in the act.

"What the fuck kid!" Nick shouted.

"Shit." You mumbled, placing the vape down.

"So it's not a "new perfume", is it?" Chris called.

"I....No." You admitted, lowering your head in shame.

"Sit down. We clearly need to talk." Matt said, pointing to your bed.

You sighed and sat down on your bed, Nick sitting next to you as Matt sat on your desk chair and Chris stood up, pacing slightly.

"Let's start off simple, sweetheart. This has got to stop." Nick said, pointing to the vape.

"I know." You said.

"Why?" Chris asked.

"I...I just fell into bad habits. I started vaping mostly, if my friends had a party, I would drink. I know it's all wrong, but it was a way to cope." You confessed.

"Cope with what, petal?" Matt asked.

"Missing you." You answered, tears falling down your face.

The three shared a look, all feeling upset for you. They knew you missed them, as they missed you too, but didn't think anything like this would ever happen.

"Jennie started it, fuck I know I shouldn't have agreed to hang out with her, but I was desperate." You cried.

"Who's Jennie?" Chris asked.

"My friend. I met her last year, she has a few friends, some of which are out of school, she smokes and drinks. Fuck I'm such an idiot I should have never agreed to hang out with her. I'm such a dumbass." You answered, tugging at your hair in anger.

"Hey kiddo, calm down. Take a deep breath." Nick whispered, taking your hands gently, holding them in his own.

"What we're going to do is talk to mum and dad. Will they be angry? Maybe but if we explain everything, which we will be right by your side to do, it will be okay." He said.

"Will you promise to stop?" Matt asked.

"100%, I need a new way to cope." You answered quickly.

"We will help you, okay sweetheart." Nick said, making you nod.

"You could come back to LA with us for a while. You need a break." Chris suggested.

"For real?" You asked.

"We can talk to mum and dad, but I'm sure it will be okay." Nick responded.

You smiled softly and knew it would be hard, but your brothers were there to help you.

[anodyne-sunflower]

You know, I feel like some in the fandom don't quite see how belittling it is for them to automatically make Astarion incapable of ever enjoying sex or wanting it. As someone who has been through a lot of sexual abuse in my life, violent ones at that, it was a difficult path (and still is) to realize it's okay to want sex, to enjoy it with the right person. We have trauma, but we aren't broken. It took me a long time to let myself enjoy it, with the right people, because I spent years telling myself it was wrong due to my past. That I shouldn't feel good because I've once felt disgusting and bad.

It's a struggle and even married, I sometimes dissociate. But I have a partner willing to listen, to be patient when I need it. But also not afraid to ever touch me, to pleasure me.

So it drives me a little mad when fans seem to think Astarion is incapable of ever having it again with Tav or whoever. That it's wrong to place him in a relationship that's sexual. He isn't fucking broken, if you romance him, you become his good experience. Just like my husband was for me. The right person, the gentle person, makes all the difference in finding yourself again, and learning it's okay to feel 'good' (not just sexually) in your life. We have temptations, urges, happiness, trust, fear, disgust, anger, shame. The list goes on but those emotions don't need to cancel out one another. Let us feel them. Let us determine what we can and can't do. Don't write us off as damaged goods to be cooed over and treated like celibacy is all there is to healing.

Yes, this is a rant, but having felt those experiences myself, I just hate being viewed as broken or being treated with kid gloves. We're still people, we're still allowed to have fulfilling sex lives. It isn't wrong to see Astarion and let Tav be that someone he trusts enough to eventually get back to that point. I also know he's fictional lol but I just get upset when perusing the tags and watching some say him wanting sex or fans writing him or drawing him in such situations is wrong. HE ISN'T BROKEN. Sexual trauma will always be with us types, but we are not broken goddammit...we are people, we just need someone to see that in us.

We are allowed to live a life, remember that. You don't get to dictate our traumas path to healing. That's precisely how abusers want it to be. To take all of our freedom of choice, and twist it to forever be 'tainted' (as Astarion says too). Fuck that. We can be people again. We're allowed that.

[genderqueerdykes]

happy international asexuality day!

April 6th marks International Asexuality Day, a day meant for recognizing, validating, educating and embracing the asexual umbrella of identities, including, but definitely not limited to asexual, aroace, demisexual, greyasexual, aceflux, pomosexual, quoisexual, and other aspectrum identifying people.

i began identifying as asexual as well as aromantic in the early 2010s before silently dropping the label as tensions around whether or not asexual people were "truly" queer/lgbt rose. i felt ashamed of that part of me and stopped talking about it, but as time has passed, the asexual community has started to rebuild, and the entire queer community owes it to the asexual community to help us rebuild and establish ourselves.

we have been the butt of many jokes for years and its time to get rid of the stigma this identity has once and for all and accept that in a society that demands sexuality from each and every person, asexuality is undoubtedly queer. to stand in the face of a society that barrages you with sexuality and sexual imagery, innuendo and conversation almost 24/7 and say that it is not for you, or that you do not approach sexuality in the same way as it has been forced upon you is extremely queer.

cishet or not, every asexual spectrum person falls neatly into the queer community. throwing us under the bus isn't acceptable. we struggle in cisheteronormative society just as much as other queers and it's time to acknowledge and embrace that. it was safer and easier for me to talk about being a gay man than it was for me to talk about being asexual. it was easier for me to talk about being transgender than it was for me to talk about how i don't like having sex with people and don't experience sexual attraction very often and when i do, i have no plans to follow through with it unless it is to meet the other person's needs in a logical fashion.

i have been guilted and forced into sexual relationships that i did not enjoy multiple times over the years. i do not enjoy having sex with people. it's not for me. i've done it many, many times and the conclusion i come to every time is that i don't enjoy it and i come out the other side feeling worse than if i just hadn't done it at all.

i don't really experience the drive to do it in the first place, so why should i force myself to? even if i occasionally find people attractive, if i don't want to follow through on it, i shouldn't have to. nobody should have to engage with sex at all if they don't want to. sex is morally neutral, but it can be very bad for some people to interact with, and this is okay.

whether you're sex repulsed, neutral, favorable, or something else, happy international asexuality day to you! be proud to be yourself, there's no shame in being asexual or asexual spectrum. let's get rid of the stigma around aspec identities once and for all

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[cripplecharacters]

Hello, I have a question. In one of my projects, set in a vaguely 1600s fantasy pirate setting, one of my characters starts out as a burn survivor, with a large burn on her cheek.

She wears a scarf initially to protect the burn from the salt air as well as some self esteem issues, however I don’t want to fall into the masked burn survivor trope, or have a self-hating disabled character.

If it helps, over the course of the story she gets access to hydrating salves and stops needing the scarf as she grows to accept her facial difference.

Thank you for your time, and for all the help you give to us!

Hi!

I think protecting a burn scar from salt is smart. It also could help with the sun-related issues. However, the scarf should be of an appropriate material - a rough texture would only irritate and scratch it, which causes even more problems. If you mention that, or show the process of her choosing something that works for her from that angle, I think it would be much more of a "medical device" and less of a "hiding disability".

It's important to discuss why she has the self-esteem issues. Don't make it into a "Duh, obviously someone with a facial difference would have low self-esteem, just look at them!" which I constantly see.

Was she bullied or harassed over being disabled?

Is she traumatized from experiencing abuse or aggression? Does she fear that being visibly disabled will make her a target for violence again?

Was there a particular person who made her feel that way, like a parent or a "friend" that influenced her view of herself?

Was society around her lacking examples of happy burn survivors, so she assumed that she can't be happy either?

Make it clear why she feels that way, and don't make the narrative frame her facial difference as the root problem. The problem should be the thing that caused her to feel insecure. It's the same as the fact that mobility aids aren't a problem, inaccessibility is - at least that's how I look at it as someone who has an FD and uses a mobility aid.

This is by no means disability-specific, but look out for tragedy porn. Even if she has had bad experiences, I guarantee you that she had happy ones as well. In her case, maybe she met the funniest girl ever at the 1600s fantasy pirate burn unit, maybe the doctor who treated her helped her discover a new hobby while she was stuck in bed. Her backstory shouldn't boil down to "happy (abled) life, then the Accident, then horrible (disabled) life". That'd be a very hurtful message to send.

I do appreciate that she gets character development around her facial difference. I will say that this internal change often comes from seeing other disabled people thrive, being proud, shown as beautiful and valuable, etc. Representation is important in stories, even in-universe. This was certainly the case for me, and is the reason why now I'm so loud about including happy and positive people with facial differences everywhere. This stuff doesn't exist in a vacuum, you're affecting how people see themselves. It also leads me to my last, probably comically predictable point, which is...

Add more burn survivors, or at least characters with other facial differences, into the story. Preferably ones that have the low self-esteem either far behind them or haven't struggled with it in general (we exist). They don't have to be major characters but even just mentioned; e.g. your character thinking about other survivors she met in the place that treated her burns, or her seeing people with visible facial differences out and about and it making her think about why she even hides hers, etc. In short - don't make shame seem like the default reaction to having a facial difference, because it isn't.

I hope this helps!

mod Sasza

[mire-7viii]

I never felt so uncomfortable about the voices of other bisexual people until trans rights activists, the majority of whom are bisexual, have become so comfortably homophobic.

There have always been bad apples. But now, when lesbians aren't even allowed their own spaces to talk about being solely attracted to the same sex, I've frequently felt sick to my stomach. There is no reason why those can't exist alongside a shared space for homosexuals and bisexuals, but here we are! I see many bisexuals who are so deprived of talking about their same-sex attraction, experiences, struggles and joy that they are desperate to connect with openly homosexuals but homosexuals are rightfully wary of risking what little they have left. There are barely any lesbian spaces in real life or online left!

I'm sick of bisexuals dictating what homosexuals should or shouldn't be attracted to and yes, I'm also pointing at trans rights activists for being insanely homophobic and going too far by spewing conversion therapy rhetoric like saying someone's sex doesn't matter during sex, or going stealth until clothes come off and traumatising or triggering the other, or lying to trans people in general that their "masculinity" or "feminity" changes their sex or that they can change their sex through surgery, which trickled down to calling homosexuals transphobic at the drop of a hat.

Since when do homosexuals owe you affirmation? Since when do you feel entitled to their spaces? Why did the majority of bisexuals see this happen and just shrug because they aren't monosexual and thus not the target?

"Genital fetishists," are you all daft? A fetish is a form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular object or activity or a part of the body other than the sexual organs. The attraction towards genitals is intrinsic to sexuality and sexual attraction. I feel like I'm perpetually talking to first graders.

I'm so disgusted with the online bisexual "community" for blindly nodding their heads like spineless, "no infighting please" puppies. Do you think none of this matters? How safe must your life be to not care about others?

As a bisexual, what occurred that made you think you could comment on the experience of monosexuals? And I'm well aware many call themselves "gay," or "lesbian," while being bisexual. If you have a vagina and you would have sex with someone with a penis, you're not a lesbian. If you have a penis and you would have sex with someone with a vagina, you're not gay. If neither of you have the same genitalia, it's not homosexuality.

"Labels don't matter," was for those who weren't sexually awakened and were figuring themselves out. But this is what it has led to: the utter deterioration of homosexual spaces, and it's vile and there should be a lot more shame about it.

I'm glad that in personal relations and daily life, the connection between bisexuals and homosexuals is a bit better. But the physical gay and lesbian spaces we were once proud of are now paradoxically wary of homosexuals for fear of being called transphobic.

And I'm also blaming bisexuals for not being critical. For prioritising fetishes and kinks before sexuality. For not listening to the experiences of people with a sexuality different from their own varied, but not exhaustive, experiences. I'm blaming bisexuals for not standing up for homosexuals.

I'm not ashamed of being bisexual. I've never been ashamed of it and I never will be. I'll post this post and continue like normal - and isn't that a privilege?

I will always love other bisexuals who aren't homophobic. There are plently, but there should be more. And louder.

[sukifoof]

loveless flowey is so sooo important to me. as an autistic loveless aro with ptsd the idea of post pacifist flowey being able to accept himself as who he has become instead of feeling that his existence is somehow wrong is so touching. he should be allowed to be okay with being flowey. like the whole... Thing. is that what loveless aros feel and think is consistently deemed as something inhuman, and it's extremely isolating (please read this if ur confused on lovelessness <3). flowey thinks he can't possibly ever understand or be the same as everyone else because of his trauma and lovelessness and it's understandable, especially in a world that claims monsters are literally made of compassion and love etc

flowey clearly cares about those around him from the way we've seen him interact with others, but it's not really something he can personally view as "love". he struggles to understand himself and the way he feels about who he used to be-- the "old" him who "could" love. the idea of loving anyone is so tied to the past that he already views as separate from who he's become, that he can't really understand what love is even Supposed to feel like anymore.

i really want him to be okay with who he is now even if it means not ever being able to feel the way he did before his trauma, because that's the reality of it. we can't just make the way we feel go away. flowey is constantly punishing himself for the way he feels and him saying that he did the right thing even if things didn't turn out perfect is suuuuch a huge step. he has to make amends with himself and allow himself to just. live without punishing himself just for existing

i could talk at length about how a lot of his actions during his resets were likely a result of subconscious self destructive behaviors and control issues due to trauma BUT that's not what this is about i just think. loveless flowey. being able to say he's loveless and not viewing it as a shameful thing that somehow makes him less than anyone else. is so So important. it's like buddy u just understand the world differently because u have trauma u gotta work through and thats okay

pretty much i just wish that lovelessness wasn't something thats looked down on just because we don't feel what we're "supposed" to feel in the way others feel it or whatever allo people say. some people are aro some people loveless some people are aplatonic and we shouldn't condemn anyone for it because it's not something that Should be condemned. it's just how some people are and i adore the idea of flowey just allowing himself to Be

[ofbreathandflame-archive]

i haven't read the acotar series but yeah there are...SO many issues with it. I was about to say I'm not surprised that people wanted the racism to be more violent so they could acknowledge but actually, y'know what? No, I am surprised. I'm concerned that people want characters of colour to be dragged through the dirt and be the victims of horrific acts before they can acknowledge the racism of the author. I cannot emphasise how crestfallen, how upset I felt when I searched up what Illyrians were for the first time. Like...oh. They are brown, like me. But they are also a whitewashed version of what white people want them to be: a violent, primitive nation that treat their women awfully, just so that white people can come in and save them, as if they weren't the ones ramping up that kind of misogyny in the first place.

I look across the YA sphere and I see white authors constantly say, through their writing, that poc are violent, that we are backwards, that the women should not exist and do not have lives unless they are attached to white people. I feel that the only time this has kind of been challenged in a mainstream YA fandom has been the grishaverse, and even then, the rep for brown peoples is muddled and vague at best, and the rep for Black people feels like there was no exploration of culture at all.

What I'm trying to say is: it's not great in the YA market, but SJM is by far one of the most racist authors out there. White fans shouldn't be begging for the violence against characters of colour to be ramped up so they can decide when they can step in and say enough is enough.

ugh! this was so beautifully put!

thiis will be a long discussion!

i really want to preface this by saying i would really implore everyone in their free time to read toni morrison's playing in the dark! it's a deep dive into the ways blackness (and in this case minority status) is defined by white superiority; how the very presence of the non-white is always used to reiterated the inherent superiority of their white peers! poc are used as conduits to uphold beliefs of white supremacy - the very existence of the nonwhite existing to boasts the intelligence of their white peers.

sjm's work moves in such racist territory that it so easy so see these mentalities etched into her work. every single poc that is included in the story is relegated to this ideology; their very existence speaks to the power of the main character. the primary function of the interactions deal in shame, humiliation, and cowardice (see: tarquin, nehemia, thesan, helion, tarquin, cressida, nesryn, lucien, the unnamed enslaved @ endovier, baxian, unnamed illyrian population etc).

morrison opens up her novel by asserting that we should be conscious of the way the author's imagination expresses itself:

“Both [reading and writing] require being mindful of the places where imagination sabotages itself, locks its own gates, pollutes its vision. Writing and reading mean being aware of the writer’s notions of risk and safety, the serene achievement of, or sweaty fight for, meaning and response-ability.”

morrison also posits that author's intenionality and/or bias are unfortunately apart of the creative process of imagination, reiterating:

“The imagination that produces work which bears and invites rereadings, which motions to future readings as well as contemporary ones, implies a shareable world and an endlessly flexible language. Readers and writers both struggle to interpret and perform within a common language shareable imaginative worlds. And although upon that struggle the positioning of the reader has justifiable claims, the author’s presence—her or his intentions, blindness, and sight—is part of the imaginative activity.”

this initial opening builds an understanding of the creative process, in a wholesome way. what i mean is - morrison is establishes that the creative process is informed by our own perceptions and understanding. the way our the narrative voice reconciles normalcy vs. unknown says something about the author. or what the author has put to page. the reason i am even discussing this is to make a similar point: sjm's writing oftentimes subconsciously asserts the dominance of the 'main, white character,' in conjunction with a ethnic, poor, nonwhite individuals of the story. when we meet celaena, we are immediately aware of aelin's 'superiority' over the slaves in endovier. the function of her slavery is to relate her power, while the story views the enslaved as dump, hopeless, individuals whose only goal is to die for their liberation in an endless cycle. aelin even complains that she 'finally' can talk to compotent people with assumption that the enslaved at endovier were somehow too dumb to adequtely communcate with her.

a court of thorns and roses invents an entire culture whose only cultural practices seemed be filled with violence, misogyny, and brutality. then the story argues that only three (3) out of thousands of brown men actually have common sense. that they're so dumb and brutish that they'd absolutely choose to have barely any resources out of spite of their benevolent high lord. cassian, rhys, and az are the strongest in history. and to relate their power, we get these dumb brutes who just seem okay for fighting for a country that would not even be allowed to enter....that's actually some crazy racist writing lmaooo. or the fact that nuala and cerridwen are trained spies, who up to this point, make so much money they'd probably be able to retire...and they just choose to be also the handmaidens...for five-hundred year old fae. like...immediately after acotar, there back working. rhys and feyre can still be reeling from that experience but nuala and cerridwen can just serve because that's just what they like to do.

the next notable quote states:

“These speculations have led me to wonder whether the major and championed characteristics of our national literature—individualism, masculinity, social engagement versus historical isolation; acute and ambiguous moral problematics; the thematics of innocence coupled with an obsession with figurations of death and hell—are not in fact responses to a dark, abiding, signing Africanist presence”

“The fabrication of an Africanist persona is reflexive; an extraordinary meditation on the self; a powerful exploration of the fears and desires that reside in the writerly conscious. It is an astonishing revelation of longing, of terror, of perplexity, of shame, of magnanimity. It requires hard work not to see this.”

in this way, the nonwhite becomes the site of a descent into darkness, hypersexality and power for white people. think of the way in which feyre's darkness is often times heavily associated with the nonwhite (see: court of nightmares). this sexy, liberated, dark woman using south asian culture to establish superiority while eschewing the people who are the originators of said culture.

but - really want to move this away from a discussion on individual characters and really focus the subject on sjm's role as the write. ultimately, feyre, aelin, nehemia, rhys...aren't real. they are reflections of the author's own internal dialogue. i actually really resonated with this observation/ assumption morrison's makes and that is:

“I assumed that since the author was not black, the appearance of Africanist characters or narrative or idiom in a work could never be about anything other than the “normal,” unracialized, illusory white world that provided the fictional backdrop.”

ultimately, i believe the racism comes from the fact that, although these are fictional worlds born from sjm's imagination, a lot of the racism comes from the fact that sjm is writing what she believes to be normal. and so - that's why the problem ultimately persists. violence against woc and poc are justified already. it doesn't matter that rhys slaughters hordes of illyrians because the assumption is that they're probably horrible, brutish people who ultimately deserve to die; nevermind, they could have had complex reasons, just like rhys. it's okay that the illyrian women are oppressed because...that's just the way things have always been. the only queen who helped rhys and feyre is humilated, murdered, and has her head shaven. we get one sentence about her and the story moves on. nehemia planned her own brutal murder, awoke dorian's power, and as a reward....her entire country is burned to the ground and the liberation of ellywe is delegated toward one sentence about maybe going to visit. , sorcha gets her head cut off (and its treated as a joke by the fandom) and dorian blames her for essentially being 'too fragile' or something like that. poc are already being brutalized in these stories, we're just positioned not to care.

and im not saying that ya isn't extremely racist - but i think sjm is by far one of the worst racist authors i have come across. not even ms. bardugo or aveyard or her other peers have this many racial problems by comparison and boy are there still problems even in those stories. like damn even george rr martin has like...semi-better writing (but he's actually another author that really exemplifies what morrison was talking about and id love to one day talk about that. but it woul take me quite awhile. i do like like asoiaf obvi, but it just has a lot of problems that i cant ignore). lmaooo even armentrout made some attempt to rectify her representation issue and thats saying a lot.

[sussyscurryscorpio]

Random Astrological Observations Part-7

(This picture doesn't belong to me in any way)

(Please take only what resonates)

~Who said that Capricorn Venus aren't vengeful? They are. Don't believe me? Go and cheat on one and then look how they pay that hurt back to you.

They'll eat and leave no crumbs of you. Also, karma. These people are protected by Saturn. Hurt them once, shame on you. Hurt them twice, well, again, shame on you.

~Pisces Mercuries are so brilliant. Like so frigging brilliant. So many physicist/scientists have this placement and voila, discoveries.

I mean how does one become good in science? By knowing how to apply science. And how does one do that? By imagination. Did I hear somewhere that Albert Einstein was a Sidereal Pisces Mercury too? Explains how he was able to give so many theories.

Now, on the flipside, people say that Einstein had a terrible memory. Well, our vivid little Pisces Mercury is at play here too. You see, Mercury is debilitated in Pisces. It is bound to make someone focus more on imagination and less on logic.

Why do you think Einstein denied the existence of Black Hole till the very end even when his equation showed it's discovery.

~On that note, Einstein's Venus was EXALTED in Pisces, i.e., in conjunction with his Mercury. So, he was able to reap good effects of Mercury because the Venus' exaltation cancelled Mercury's debilitation.

Therefore, his childhood struggles to be a science student led to his becoming one of the greatest physicist of all times.

~Please, for fuck's sake, never make a Scorpio Venus jealous intentionally. They'll either rip someone's head off and their own's. I've experience this as a Scorpio Venus in Tropical, even when I don't like Tropical much.

I mean, after things went south with my bf, he posted an intimate picture with some girlie and oh god, I went ballistic. I threw my tablet across the room like a frisbee 2 seconds after I saw that pic.

No tablets were broken in this stunt. Just injured :)

~On the flipside, if I were to judge my anger based on my Sidereal placements, I'd say my lackey Libra Mars made me do it.

Libra Mars isn't equal to low anger. Low drive? Maybe. Low anger? Hell no. I mean, Aries Mars radiate their anger outwards and you can feel it too, BUT Libra Mars had a brooding anger like a bubbling, thick, slimy, scorching hot liquid. You won't know they are angry and that's what is scary. You won't know when or if they'll explode.

~How do I say it that Air placements, especially big 6 (excluding Aquarius) are highly capable of cheating on someone without stereotyping? Like, I always thought that it was a Bias until I saw it happen as well. Maybe because of Rahu (North Node) in first house of Navamsa or I don't know but man, it sucks.

I know. You shouldn't blame your poor life choices on astrological placements but why does it always have to be Badly Aspected Rahu or Air placements (again, excluding Aquarius) more likely to do it?

~With that, let's take a deep breath and talk about Sagittarius Mercury. I swear I don't talk about Sagittarius placements much.

Blunt. Yeah. BLUNT ASF. I know, I'm stereotyping but god, this placement just says things as they are. No sugar-coating, no messing around. Even if they have a Capricorn dominant or Virgo dominant chart or some grounded placements, they'll still say whatever it is with a chilly voice.

They are the people whose words really sting. Also, these people aren't 'ride or die' friends, rather, they are those honest friends who'll call you out whenever you're wrong.

Many-a-times, they don't even mean to say it, and it just slips past their tongue. But well, we do not blame you at all Sagittarius Mercury. Hugs to y'all peeps.

[catz-brainz1234]

Paras are completely valid and you shouldn't be sent death threats for it, as long as you're STRICTLY anti contact and pro healing.

I repeat, if you have a para but are anti contact and pro healing, you are completely valid.

Making art, writing poetry/just writing about it, making vent art, making music etc etc are great and extremely healthy ways to cope with your paras!!!!! (Absolutely do not put it online anywhere that kids and vulnerable people can see it)

It's okay to struggle with these things; we know how hard it is to even accept you have a para/s, let alone even getting help for it.

So please, take your time, learn about your thoughts and feelings, find healthy coping mechanisms, don't shame yourself for feeling this way, you're not a bad person as long as you're anti contact AND pro healing.

Don't interact with the radqueer community, the xenosatanist community or the proship community. As friendly and inclusive as they might seem, they will try and stop you from getting help and manipulate you into thinking that it's okay to occasionally act on your para/s, or fantasise about your para/s which won't be healthy for your healing process.

Be kind to yourself, you're only human (or a critter, wink wink, nudge nudge) and, believe it or not, almost every human has at LEAST one fantasy they're not proud of.

Take care ♡

-🧿

[reimeichan]

how are you doing with final fusion after a couple months?

Heyo, sorry it took me a bit to respond to this. I haven't been particularly active on Tumblr due to trying to take care of some RL things and also being suckered really hard into FFXIV but shhhh. I've been trying to figure out how to answer this ask for a while, and I think it'd be best for me if I'm just honest I think.

It's been hard. I was so excited to reach final fusion/full integration whenever it was that I hit that point, and I thought things would be smooth sailing from there. But... these past few months have showed me that even if I am capable of reaching that point now, it's still not my default state, and when push comes to shove, I still lean back on and fall back into dissociation and splitting.

I've been struggling with a lot of feelings of... I don't know. I guess I've been feeling guilty, that maybe I celebrated too early and I'm not doing as well as I thought. That I'd somehow painted a better picture of my situation for everyone around me and now I had to take back some of the things that I've said. "Maybe I'm not actually at final fusion," I've been telling myself. "Maybe I never was and I was fooling myself and the people around me."

"That's bullshit," I'd also tell myself. "Healing isn't linear, this is something we truly believe in and often have to remind others. And so I will now remind myself, healing isn't linear. We hit some rough patches. Staying fused full-time has been more difficult than we expected. This doesn't mean we lied back then, and doesn't even mean we were misinterpreting our experiences or spreading misinformation. We had fully fused. And we regularly experience splitting again. It's fine. We'd expected this to happen, after all."

"Touche," I respond back to myself.

So I guess, all this to say... it's been a process for sure. I'm still someone with DID, that hasn't changed. And I don't think that even once I've reached a point of being fully fused without regularly splitting again, that I'd call myself someone without DID. I struggle with dissociation and memory loss and being consistently inconsistent. But, I've also made a lot of progress, and I really shouldn't discredit that.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt and shame over all of this and that's likely contributed to my absence from this blog and from the DID spaces I'm a part of. But, really, there's nothing to be a ashamed of I think. I know so often people try to paint the best version of themselves online, and sometimes I catch myself doing that too. But I think I'd rather let this blog reflect my genuine thoughts and experiences, and right now that experience is I've not been able to stay fully fused regularly. And that's okay, it just means I still have work to put in to get to my goal.

But, hey, I know how it feels to be fully fused. And I do regularly sit in that state a lot. Just... I'd like to be there more as a default, and rely less on dissociation and splitting so much, yknow?

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

This is the follow-up to my research call. I really appreciate all the asks you've sent, it was eye-opening. I understand that sometimes it gets difficult to talk about things that show perhaps a more pettier/uglier side of ourselves, but we're human and as much as we try and act as if we have the right opinions all the time, that's mostly not the case.

Before I go on and talk about these asks, I want you to read them first. Please click on each screeshot because some of them are quite long. Tumblr only allows me to post 10 images, so if you don't see your ask here, it means I will add it in the next batch. I also want to mention that you can still send your asks, I decided to post all of them because I think this is an important topic.

I've noticed that a lot of us (including me, because I allowed myself to be anon for this little experiment too), are dealing with a lot of internal conflict between how we are supposed to think and what we actually believe.

Despite this being a way to share our feelings, a lot of people couldn't help but explain the rationalization behind it. Almost as an excuse for our behavior. We judge ourselves so much and there is this awful pressure of being the right type of fan, the right type of person, etc. We know we shouldn't judge the women in the rumors, but we still do. We are aware that our own personal issues are at the roots of why we react the way we do when we see these rumors, but we still feel miserable despite having self awareness.

Someone mentioned something about how it can be taboo to have a real talk about why are drawn so much to these relationships, real or not. I want to expand on that and say that it's also taboo to really express our feelings. Because it can make us look like crazy fangirls and not the mature fans that we are. It's expected to say "I'm happy for my bias either way and from now on I will not ship him romantically with his bandmate". When in fact, it has proven from your own stories, that people would also want to say "I feel weird and hurt because my beliefs don't match with the rumors".

There is no magic switch that will turn someone from shipping two bandmates to suddenly change their mind over night and that to not have an effect on that person and the way they think of their biases and of themselves too. It is about that idol dating rumor, but it is also about the stories we tell ourselves, about what we have come to believe for so long.

And then there are those who are firm in their belief and are displaying this assurance in their own logic and the way they interpret what they see.

There is also shame in judging our bias for their choices in potential partners. I find that absolutely normal. Sometimes we judge our best friend for their shitty choice of partner, why wouldn't we treat that idol the same way?

I'm not here to offer solutions in better dealing with it. I believe we are all aware of how being involved in kpop shipping and having a bias is affecting us on a personal level. Perhaps there's too much self awareness and we should instead have more fun 😅. No, my point was to offer more of a platform and a way to perhaps realize that we struggle with similar things and each can take away from this what they want.