#but i went shopping with my mom earlier today which was fun

[sunflower-chai]

hello all how are we doing this evening

[maboroshi-no]

Hamefura BluRay S1 Vol 3 SS

I have translated Anne’s SS from the Anime Blu-ray special.

Series: My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom! Title / Character: Anne Source: Anime BluRay S1 Vol 3 Synopsis: Anne is "enjoying" a day off that Katarina has forced on her. Translation: maboroshi-no

Translation below ⮟

Anime Bluray Special Story - Anne

Katarina: Alright, Anne. Have fun today, okay?

Anne: Yes. Thank you very much, Lady Katarina.

As Lady Katarina saw me off with a whole-face smile, I, Anne Shelley, thanked her like this, then left the residence and headed to town.

The academy was on holiday today, so I had returned with Lady Katarina and Lord Keith to the Claes residence, but then I was given a full day off.

It had honestly been a while since I had a proper day off. In such cases, people would think it was due to the workplace, but it wasn't.

At the Claes' household, servants were properly given days off due to the master's policy, so the other servants were often taking leaves to return to their family's home or go shopping. However, I didn't have a good relationship with my family, so I didn't feel like returning home, and my shopping would usually be done in half a day, so I didn't need such a lengthy leave. Rather, my honest feelings might be that even if I had a day off, I wouldn't know what to do. Because more than a day off, I would far prefer staying by Lady Katarina's side.

And yet, today, when I asked her why I was given a day off, Lady Katarina, who didn't know that I voluntarily didn't take leave, said…

Katarina: Anne, you haven't taken time off at all, have you? You should properly get a full-day rest from time to time.

She suddenly told me this as if it had just crossed her mind, and then in the blink of an eye, she more or less forced a day off on me. On top of this, she heard me grumble that I had nothing to do.

Katarina: In that case, you should go shopping in town. The weather is nice today, and if you like, I will have a carriage prepared for you.

Like this, she smoothly decided my plans as well. However, I frantically stopped Lady Katarina from calling in the Claes carriage. A simple servant using the splendid carriage of a ducal family for her shopping was unthinkable.

Lady Katarina somehow agreed to it, and before she said another ridiculous thing, I promptly got on a stagecoach and set out to town.

When I arrived in the castle town, it was bustling with people.

Because Lady Katarina had to move into the academy's dorm, I also came to live on the same grounds, and since I was increasingly purchasing the daily necessities from the merchants coming and going, I hadn't been to town in a while. Even so, it hadn't changed so much.

It was just that with fall intensifying and the temperature having gradually grown cold, a lot of warm food was on sale.

Child: Hey Mom, I want to eat this~ Buy it~

At a storefront, a small child pulled the hand of a woman who seemed to be his mother and coaxed her like this.

Mother: You're still eating? You've just eaten earlier!

Child: Sweets go in a different stomach!

The child said this and puffed up their cheeks.

Looking at this child, the figure of the child Lady Katarina overlapped. Lady Katarina often used to coax me for sweets like this too. On that day when the child Lady Katarina said, "I want to play in town", I accompanied her and went to town.

Lady Katarina's eyes sparkled and she pulled me to various places.

Until then, even when I went to town, I only bought the needed daily necessities, so it was my first time entering a gift shop and a confectionery shop. 

I had been raised in Baron Shelley's household with my father just telling me to be obedient, and even after being employed in the Claes household, I did the same for a while and just acted submissively without trying to possess a will of my own.

And yet, Lady Katarina would ask things like "Anne, which do you like?", "Which do you find pretty?" "Which is to your taste?". She would ask my feelings on things.

At first, I didn't know what to do and would often get bewildered and falter, but my reactions wouldn't discourage Lady Katarina at all and she would ask me the same things again. Before I knew it, I gradually became able to answer her about my feelings. 

What I liked, my taste… I went from being a mere tool just going along with its master to a human being.

"Anne, today is your birthday, right? Here, it's a present." After saying this, what the child Katarina presented to me was a bundle of papers with "Shoulder Massage Ticket" written on them. They were what she called "a birthday present". I didn't even know such a thing existed, so I was bewildered and then felt a somewhat fluffy, mysterious feeling. It was only after a while that I realized that it was "happiness".

Using the tickets I had received at that time would have been too much of a waste, so in the end, I didn't use them and had carefully kept them up to this day. Together with the presents she offered me every year afterward.

When I thought about this, I found myself yearning to see Lady Katarina's face even though I had just arrived in town.

Lady Katarina was loved by her fiancé, Prince Geordo, by her adopted younger brother, Lord Keith, and by many other people.

Everyone wished to stay with Lady Katarina.

I felt a little sorry for these people but the one who spent the most time with Lady Katarina was none other than myself. I was priding myself on this.

"I need Anne. I want her by my side." Just with those words Lady Katarina gave me, I could do my best over and over again.

Despite receiving a day off and being sent to town like this, all that came to mind was Lady Katarina. I just wanted to see her face as soon as possible.

But since today Lady Katarina saw me off with such a smile, I was hesitant to go back so early. I managed to idly kill time, buy sweets that Lady Katarina might like, and finally, it was a time when returning home wouldn't cause any issues.

In the end, despite receiving a day off, I had my mind so full of Lady Katarina that I actually wound up being emotionally exhausted. As I thought, I didn't seem to need a full day off. As I was thinking this inside the stagecoach, when I returned to the Claes residence…

Katarina: Anne, welcome back.

For some reason, Lady Katarina was striking a daunting pose near the servants' entrance.

Anne: I have returned home. Lady Katarina, is something the matter?

Katarina: I've been waiting for you, Anne. Now, come with me.

After saying this, Lady Katarina led me by the hand to the front of the door of a parlor's room. Then Lady Katarina looked at me, grinned, and opened the door. There…

Katarina: Congratulations, Anne.

Lady Katarina said this and clapped her hands.

In that room, a feast and a cake had been prepared. The other servants working with me were also there and they welcomed me with smiles and clapping hands. 

Anne: …Umm, this is?

Katarina: Today is your birthday, right? That's why I've prepared a surprise party for you. You've stuck with me all the way to the academy and I owe you so much, so I wanted to make a grand celebration and thank you.

Lady Katarina said this with a grin. 

I see… Come to think of it, today might be the day I was born. I had completely forgotten about it.

Katarina: Again, Happy birthday, Anne. This is your present this year.

After saying this, Lady Katarina presented a wrapped box to me.

Anne: …Thank you very much.

While receiving the present, my hands shook a little.

Today, I learned for the first time that people teared up even when they were happy.

[ironwoman18]

Rather Be - Part 8

Chapter 8: I love you mom

“At Eden Academy it is a tradition to celebrate Mother's and Father's day with a present made by our students. This year we asked you to bring a blank colored cup. Preferably your mom's favorite color”

Anya brought with her father a beautiful black cup, because that was Yor’s favorite color.

Loid thinks it's because it's an elegant color and makes a woman look thinner. Something she doesn't really need since she was in good shape. 

However, Anya knows the real reason. It was because the black and red colors hide the blood from her victims.

“Alongside with your art teacher, we wrote for you the words “The best mother” on the cups, you will paint them with the color or colors of your preference then on the other side you will paint some decorations that show your love for your mother” the kids looked amazed by the instructions but the nodded “let's begin!” 

The kids started to work on it and for the first time during that school year, his students were silent and working carefully.

“The love for a mother can turn the messiest kids to be elegant. I'm particularly surprised by Miss Forger. She's working really hard and carefully” thought Henderson looking at the kids working.

"Since it is the New Moon, I can read minds so I can concentrate on my work," thought Anya, happy because, for the first time since the mission started, she didn't need to read minds.

Meanwhile Loid was picking up his present for Yor. Since the month started, he went to the tailor's shop to order a dress for her. He picked a beautiful light black fabric with roses around the skirt. And it would be easy for them since they have her measures so it should be good for them. He also got her roses and went to buy the ingredients to cook her favorite dishes that day.

This would be the first time in years that he was celebrating mother's day, and last month was her birthday so they had two pretty busy months. 

Normally on mother's day he asked the Handler to give him lots of missions, to keep his mind off thinking about his mother. Same with his mother's birthday but now he has a reason to enjoy at least mother's day.

Back to Anya, she finished to paint the letters, she picked red, then the other side was full of messy drawings of her mom, dad, Bond and herself. They were at the park so she painted grass under their feet.

At the end of the class all kids were done with their cups so Henderson picked them up with another teacher and put them in the top shelf to prevent the kids from getting them.

Then they went to change their uniforms and went to have lunch. All of them were chatting about the cups and how fun it was 

“So Anya, what did you do for your mom?” Asked Becky smiling at her.

“I did daddy, mommy, Bond and me at the park” she said happy and satisfied.

“I drew my mom and me together and Martha next to me. She had been there for me even when my mom wasn't, that's why I decided to get her a cup too” confessed the little girl and Anya held her hand kindly which made her blush and let her do that.

The rest of the week was pretty boring for her. Then on Thursday, professor Henderson gave them their cups already wrapped in paper and with their names on it.

Anya arrived home and left the cup hidden in her bedroom, somewhere her mother never looked in and let her dad know as soon as she arrived.

When Friday arrived Anya returned home and Bond waved his tail and licked her cheek. There was Loid cooking dinner and Yor was washing the dishes.

Loid already had his present for Yor in his room and the rose bouquet will arrive early in the morning.

“Mommy, daddy!!! You came early” she ran into them hugging their legs which made them smile.

“My boss dismissed us earlier because they would do some maintenance and fumigate the building” said Yor picking Anya up and kissed her cheek.

“And today was my day off so I was all morning and afternoon doing some chores around the house and going to the grocery store to buy what we needed'' he smiled and Yor let Anya go.

She left to change her uniform and started to draw and coloring the whole Bond and laying next to her.

“By the way, Yor, I noticed you brought roses and a box when you arrived,'' said Loid as he put some potatoes in the sauce.

“Oh yeah, the City Hall gave all the mothers that work there a box with makeup and skincare products and roses”

He nodded smiling “I'm glad you had a good day and I heard that they did something like that in the hospital for the mothers in there”

“That's something sweet from the bosses to give a present for a woman who has a child to take care of” he nodded smiling.

“I agree with you. Even when you aren't Anya's biological mother, you still love her like your own” she blushed really hard.

“T... thank you Loid, I do my best every day” Loid was glad because she became Anya's mother from the beginning and they seemed to get along so well, it was adorable.

When they finished they set the table Loid feed Bond then sat down and they started to eat.

Loid smiled looking at them eating, it was always a pleasure to see them enjoying his cooking. He eats and Anya told them about her day at school, Yor also shared some of her day to them and after dessert they send Anya to brush her teeth and Loid would read her a story, meanwhile Yor was reading in the living room.

After finishing the story he returned to her and smiled as he sat next to her “sometimes it is hard for her to fall asleep but today it was easier than ever” Yor giggles softly.

“I guess she had a tired day,” he nodded and sighed.

“Yeah I guess so” he looked at his wife “want to watch a movie? It's Friday after all”

“Sure” she smiled and put the book away and they watched the first movie Loid found interesting.

She leaned on his chest softly with her head on his shoulder. He was comfortable and he even had her permission to play with her fingers gently as they watched the movie.

At the end of the movie both went to sleep. Yor's heart still beats fast after having him playing distracted with her fingers.

They were getting closer and she was allowing touches and him too, which led to sudden holding hands when either of them was having a bad memory.

Saturday was normal for them. Yor cooked breakfast, she learned how to make hotcakes with Camilla the other day so she tried and was glad Loid bought syrup for them.

Anya was in love with this food and ate a lot of them with her hot cocoa.

They walked Bold later and Loid cooked lunch. Then dinner was peanut pizza with chicken on it.

Husband and wife shared another movie night and went to bed a bit early that night because the movie was shorter.

The special day arrived and Loid was the first up, Anya woke up excited and helped him to have everything ready for Yor.

The bouquet arrived on time and he placed it on the table. The presents were on the coffee table and when Yor was up she found herself tearing up watching everything.

“Oh my... This is the sweetest thing someone ever did for me” she picked up Anya kissing her cheek she also hugged Bond who blushed softly and barked softly then she hugged and kissed Loid’s cheek “this is lovely, thank you” she whispered in his ear.

“You don't have to thank me, I'm the one thankful for everything. You are her mother as I said on Friday” he smiled at her and she blushed.

“Mommy and daddy are flirting” said Anya out loud to Bond but this time her parents' screams came later than usual which made her smirks mischievous because actually they were.

They ate Yor's favorite dish, southern eggs with sausages and bread. He made sure to cook it just like she did the first time she introduced it to them.

It was the next day after a class with Barbara, their neighbor and she told them she used to eat this on her birthday or after finishing classes.

It was her mother's special breakfast so she wanted to share it with them. Yor had some tears in her eyes but was smiling looking down at her plate.

“Is mommy sad?” Asked Anya, ready to cry.

“No, my dear Anya. I'm just remembering my mom. She was the kindest woman you would ever meet. And Loid made this just as good as she did” she said smiling and held his hand.

They finished the food and after washing the dishes they sat around the coffee table and Anya gave her her present.

“Here's mine!” She said excited.

Yor opened the wrapped paper and there was a beautiful black cup with the message “The best Mom” and on the other side, drawings of her daughter. According to the green things under them she interpreted it to mean they were at the park.

“I love this” she said with a big smile and hugged her tightly but not too much to not break any bones.

Then it was turn for Loid’s present. It was a box wrapped in paper. She opened it and she was in awe watching the beautiful dress in it. She got it out of the box. It was black and the skirt seemed to end above her knees. It had a pattern of roses around the skirt.

“Wow... This dress looks so beautiful” she looked at him.

“I asked at the tailor's shop to make it using your measures so I hope it fix perfectly” 

She smiled and went to her bedroom real quick and changed. A couple of minutes later she walked out wearing it with a pair of heels on. Loid's jaw almost dropped to the ground. She looked stunning and the heels gave it the final touch.

Yor blushes softly as his eyes traveled up to down admiring her looks “I guess it fix perfectly”

“More than perfectly, I'm amazed how perfect it was made” he looked at her face.

“They are amazing at their job so I shouldn't be too amazed” she smiled then turned to Anya “what do you think?”

“Mommy looks beautiful, she should have a date with daddy” this made her mother and father blush “not today, I want us to spend today as a family”

And as she wished they would spend it as a family. She changed back to her regular clothes and they walked Bond, spend the morning at the fair for mother's day then returned home to have lunch.

While Loid cooked Anya and Yor were playing board games and laughing. They ate and watched reruns of Spy Wars on TV. At dinner Loid cooked and they went to bed early that day. She read Anya a story and before going to bed she kissed Loid's cheek and whispered “you owe me a date so don't forget it” and went to bed leaving him in shock for a split second.

OOooOOooOO

I hope you liked this one. It was a sweet one. I wanted to introduce some feelings about this day for Loid. Taking his backstory into consideration.

Next chapter will be their date.

[unfilteredrealities]

Life Update

New Project at work seems fun tbh.

My brain seems to still work and I grasped quickly the informations and how the system works. Tomorrow a new work week starts with online training.

Today I used up like 10 spoons to make a medical appointment for an ENMG and I was kind and respectful with the receptionist at the medical clinic on the phone asking if they could maybe schedule me either 8-9am or 6-8pm and then they scheduled me for 3:40pm which nooooo I am at work right then sigh have to see if my TLs are kind enough to let me leave earlier on that day >:(( The receptionist after asking for all my details said ok that’s all and hung up and slammed the phone so hard that I got a tinnitus…

She sounded very “why the fuck did you bother me with this , why did u call and interrupt my gossip session with my coworker” vibes and after the call I literally broke down when in video call with my boyfriend. I felt as if medical professionals don’t even want to help me that I bother them and the audacity from me to call during their work hours.

After I went grocery shopping with my mom which was fine up to the moment I had a 146bpm pulse from just standing and slowly walking. I started to get brain fog and feel dizzy and I was sweating. I’ll assume now that I was having a POTS flare again :)) I was so glad the moment I was sitting in the car hydrating myself with water. Then at home I helped unpack the groceries and later put laundry to wash and hang it up which I had to do sitting bcs standing was too much for me.

Now I feel sickish at the end of the day as if I pushed myself today too much but I feel like I didn’t do enough to deserve feeling fatigued.

[lemonbooties]

5. Blood Oath | Choso ੭﹕ ̊ ̟ ꒷꒦

by lemonbooties

Find my work on AO3, Wattpad and Quotev here!

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

Chapter 5. Reunion

You wasted no time burying your head into Choso's chest, crying loudly. You had been so concerned about Yuji seeing you cry the day before but here you were, on the streets of Harajuku wailing like a toddler. You felt Choso's arms around you, as well as Yuji's, as the brothers attempted to comfort you.

When your crying finally hushed to a few sniffles, you pulled away from your friends and noticed a few tears in Choso's eyes. He always cried whenever you or Yuji did. This time, he looked as if he was trying not to cry. You could tell he was only trying to appear put-together for you guys.

It took a lot of explaining on the train ride back to Jujutsu Tech, and a lot of tears, but you eventually had everyone on the same page. You decided not to mention your father's words to Choso as that was something you felt should be kept between yourself, Yuji, Choso and Yaga and you knew Fushiguro or Nobara could be listening in, curious about their new classmates.

The rest of the train ride was uneventful, aside from Nobara and Yuji bickering pretty intensely. You joined in occasionally, poking fun at your longtime friend and adding fuel to Nobara's arguments. After some good laughs with your new classmates, you started the track back to school and arrived in one piece.

Once back at your dorm, you said goodbye to your friends and made plans to meet in your room later so you and Yuji could talk to Choso about everything you knew so far. You had all avoided talking about the death surrounding you while on the train but you knew you'd need to tear that bandaid off soon.

You put your phone on charge before quickly changing into comfier clothes. Gojo had mentioned that the trip to Harajuku would be all for today so you planned on walking down to the shops and using some money you had saved for some new clothes and possibly a better pair of shoes since you only had your school shoes and the pair you had worn today.

You started the shower and went to gather all of your toiletries before realizing that Yaga, or maybe Ichiji, hadn't grabbed your shampoo but rather, two different conditioners. Yours and your mom's. You let out a sullen groan before opening the door to the hallway.

Nobara had been placed in the room across from you and you could hear music lightly playing from inside. You shuffled across the hall, your slippers scraping against the wood. You knocked on the door and after a few noises inside, Nobara opened the door.

"Hi." You started, taking in her appearance and what little of her room you could see. Her room already looked more settled in than yours. Turning your attention to her, Nobara had a fluffy headband on and had removed her makeup, a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. She hummed at you, prompting you to ask her what you needed so she could get back to her business.

"Sorry, I just noticed I have two conditioners and no shampoo." You nervously laughed. "Do you think I could use a bit of yours?" Your classmate nodded and moved aside, ushering you to come inside. She disappeared into her bathroom for a second before emerging with a shampoo bottle and no more toothbrush.

"Here. You can bring it back when you're done with it." You smiled and thanked her. You apologized for bothering her, which she dismissed with a slight wave of her hand. "Don't worry about it. Itadori did say that both of you came kind of late, last minute transfer or something. With sorcery, you kind of get dragged into it, am I right?" You laughed and agreed.

"Yeah, you can say that again."

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

After your much-needed shower, you ran the borrowed shampoo back to Nobara and thanked her again. You wanted to invite her shopping with you but you figured she was busy unpacking, plus she had already shopped earlier that day in Harajuku.

Next, you stopped by Fushiguro's room to ask if it was okay for you to leave and shop or if there was some rule against leaving or maybe even a process to leave campus. He said you were fine as long as someone was aware of your location, which he was. He gave you the okay and you thanked him as well before returning to your room.

Luckily, shopping went by without an event and you were able to return to your dorm with enough time to settle down before Yuji and Choso came over. You unpacked a few more things from your bags and finished one of them, right in time for the knock at your door. You shouted a quick, "coming!" and stood, making your way over to the entrance to your room.

You swung the door open and must not have disguised your disappointment well enough because Yaga looked down at you and remarked, "Not who you were expecting?" He had a slight smile on his face when you met his gaze, obviously finding this amusing. "Um-" You cleared your throat, "no sir, I was expecting Yuji and Choso. You lowered your head in a meek apology before looking up at him.

"It's alright, Y/N. I would like to speak with you about your father." You froze a bit, not expecting this to happen so soon. I mean, he does run an entire school. You expected your little chat about good ol' dad to kind of be on the back burner but it seems you were wrong. You nodded your head before going to grab your shoes. You figured you could stay in your comfy clothes as they weren't inappropriate at all.

Your body ran ice cold with anticipation as you closed your door behind you. You couldn't tell if you were nervous or scared, probably both. All you knew for sure is that you were definitely on edge. You picked at your nails to keep your hands occupied, looking at your hands and feet intently. You didn't even notice when you stopped in front of another room.

The strong knock from Yaga made you look up, curious as to who's room this was. You only knew where the first year's rooms were so you felt your stomach drop at the possibility of you meeting one of your upperclassmen.

This thought of the upperclassmen definitely scared you. Whereas Nobara and Fushiguro were experienced enough to actually participate in class, you still weren't the only one among the first years with no prior curse training or whatever they called it. Gojo had given a "cursed tool" to Yuji earlier so you were a bit relieved that you would never be defenseless as long as you had a weapon full of cursed energy. Maybe you could mention getting one to Yaga during your talk.

After a bit of shuffling behind the door, Yuji opened the door to your surprise. He greeted the principal before him, making sure to use the proper honorifics while addressing someone with a higher position. Yaga cleared his throat and asked a question that made your blood run cold, "Hello, Yuji. Is your brother here?"

-

Sorry for the extremely short chapter! I've had so much going on and this week, I've come down with tonsillitis, among other things :(

I made the decision to keep this chapter short as it was always meant to just be a set-up chapter and I was having a hard time bulking it up again after I lost a decent bit of the writing.

I do post updates like this to my Twitter (X) for any readers wanting to stay in the loop on updates and such! I try to keep other posts to a minimum so it isn't too hard to find info on my page.

The next chapter should be longer and I would like to have it up by next Friday but as I already delayed this chapter a bit, it may be pushed back. I will keep everyone updated when I know for sure <3

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

[vilsdeskneighbor]

Vil went to Playful La- Disneyworld this past week!

full adventure story + more photos under the cut!

DAY ONE!

Vil's first stop was Magic Kingdom! his special Mickey ears (that matched mine! my friend's mom made them for all of us c:) have 3 paper apples still on at this point.

seeing those apples reminds him of someone!

Haunted Mansion! he felt like he was being slapped, somehow...

he met up with Floyd and Grim on this day too!

DAY TWO & DAY THREE!

today and tomorrow, Vil goes to Epcot! his photographer damaged her nails the previous day so they're not as nice in future photos. Vil still has two paper apples.

in the Shaftlands!

he then ran into a kind princess who loved his special ears. Vil's photographer took a lovely photo of them together.

he ate lots of yummy food at Epcot!

ah, they have pins of The Seven here!

it was hard for the photographer to get good photos at night, but a certain someone also showed up during the light show! (my mom screamed "THERE'S THE QUEEN!! GRAB VIL!!!" lol)

unfortunately, Vil's ears started to tear around this time and he lost another apple, so the ears had to be taken off sometimes.

he rode lots of rides the next day! also had fish & chips and was reminded of Riddle!

DAY 4!

Vil had a lot of fun, but he was a bit lonely. his photographer went to an anime shop that had a lot of Twisted Wonderland merch and saw two people there who wanted to tag along (they had dorm Epel but not dorm Rook, so I picked different outfits for each and went off which ones had the cutest expressions haha)

so they had a sleepover! and tomorrow everyone heads to Hollywood Studios together c:

DAY 5!

they had fun! tumblr only allows for 30 photos, but I have a lot more over on my twitter if you'd like to see more!

each of them got a bite of the Mickey pretzel.

the waterfall was beautiful, so Rook asked the photographer for a photo.

Vil heard there was a show about the behind-the-scenes of movie sets, so HAD to see it.

and Epel had BBQ in Toy Story land! at one point, he ate so much his mouth came undone. his photographer freaked out and ran to a store because they have scissors. they did surgery on an apple.

on the final day, every boy got a Mickey beignet! <3

thanks for reading! I was honored to do the story of Mr. Schoenheit's trip for The Tumblr News! as I said earlier, there's more on my twitter! there's also some good non-nui photos of the trip there if you'd like to see c:

when I met up with my friends, I got the Vil and Azul nendoroids one of them set aside for me, so I'll take photos of those sometime as well!

hope everyone else had a good week too and I hope this can bring a smile to all the Vil/Pomefiore fans out there!

[lab-trash]

Today is mother's day and I got my dad a present. Multiple actually.

For background, my mom doesn't live with us. She moved out in 2021 and she moved back in with her parents just a couple months ago. She was neglectful when she did live here and I can't remember a single promise she ever kept.

My dad took over her (tiny amount of) responsibilities when she left and I think it made me appreciate him more. My dad wasn't there a ton when I was a kid, but that was because he had a job that required a 45 minute commute, and it's not like he was gonna get anything better to support our 8-member family. My dad has always tried his best.

(Fun fact: The day I bought a #1 Dad Mug at a thrift shop that matched my mom's very unique #1 Mom Mug was the same day my mom's mug broke. Talk about symbolism.)

In October he took in a homeless trans kid that my sister's partner was friends with. Both that kid and my sisters partner are going to be in our family pictures this coming Thursday.

At Walmart, I saw a pillow that said "mama bear" on it. And immediately I was like, I have to get this for my dad. For context, my dad is a bigger man with a big beard and long hair. He's a bear. He's also greygender and pretty much only uses his agab terms because, well, he's 45 and it doesn't really matter to him.

After seeing that pillow, I decided I didn't want to just do that. I got him a cuticle remover (he was talking about how he enjoyed it), some new hair things and hair clips (again, long hair), some oatmeal cookies that I know he likes, dark chocolate peanutbutter doves, and some liquid death, which we'd recently had a laugh over the existence of before promptly realising its actually really good. Lastly, a peanuts card that I picked up last minute.

I had to fit everything into a box from work so he wouldn't see anything and I brought it home under the pretense that my coworker had given me some miscellaneous items while decluttering. I brought it into my room, set everything up and put it behind my door.

I went around and had everyone sign it, only barely managing to get my sister before she left for work (unfortunately her partner left earlier than we anticipated, so I couldn't get them to sign the card) and I put everything into this tall bag with a unicorn on it. It was one of the only bags that was big enough to fit everything, and I just thought it was so perfect.

I was also planning on giving him a painting I did in middle school of the northern lights— I have all of my paintings from middle school tucked away on my bookshelf— but I couldn't find it.

I had to go to the store with him when he picked up my sister, so I couldn't just wait for him to get home. I had to wait til he went out to the van, sprint upstairs, grab this bag that's easily 15 pounds because of the liquid death, rush back downstairs, hide it between our couches, rush out to the van, then rush back inside when we got home and set it up on a couch for him to open.

It went over really well, which was something i was worried about right at the end there, since he'd asked me and my sister if we told our mom happy mothers day. I hadn't, but my sister had. They were talking about it when they entered and I beckoned dad into the living room for his mother's day gift.

Overall, I spent about $60 on the gift. And I don't regret it. One of the biggest things of note with my mom was that whenever we celebrated mother's day, I would always try to put effort into it to make her happy. And it was never... really appreciated. I remember one year I got this sort of clear trophy-wine glass thingy and put some chocolate in it, and I had all of her kids sign the lid. She didn't take it when she left. It was sitting in our kitchen (with half of our deadnames on it, might I add) until a few months ago. If she'd left it in dad's room, I think it'd be less hurtful, but she left it on the microwave cart where we all saw it every day. Mocking us both with our deadnames and our failure of a gift.

Buying for my dad wasn't like that. I know even if I fucked up one of the items, he'd enjoy even the existence of it at all. I could've just bought the card or just the pillow and he would've been happy. But I didn't, almost because of that fact. My dad would be happy with less, so he deserved more.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Who was the last person you forgave? How long did it take you to forgive them? A family member. Some hurtful things had been said and certain situations were handled poorly, and it was causing resentment. I finally had to forgive them and try to see things from their side and while I'm still unhappy with some things, life is short and I don't want to end the little time I might have with this person.

2. Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? No, not at all.

3. What is your favorite junk food? How about your favorite health food? Little Debbie snack cakes and Reese's.

4. Are you listening to anything right now? Do you normally listen to music while you take surveys? Not music, but I like to watch YouTube videos whilee I do surveys.

5. What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? Talk? I have an ongoing Facebook chat going on with a couple online friends and we talk a lot. It' fun.

6. Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? I feel like there's a lot of things but that's cause I don't like myself sooo.

7. Is there anything you’re really particular or specific about, anything that has to be done a certain way every time? Yeah, I'm like that with a lot of things but food is a big one. I have to eat certain foods and a certain way in both how it's prepared and how I eat it. I also have to have dips/condiments/sauces.

8. Are there any chores you need to get done today? It's a chore to get out of bed, which I didn't today.

9. Where was the last place you went shopping and what did you buy? Target.

10. What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? When I finally dyed my hair red again a couple months ago.

11. Are you more likely to shut people out of your life or try to fix things no matter what? I've done both. I've had to completely distance myself and withdraw from people and I've tried working things out with people several times. I would ideally like to be able to work things out when able. It's not easy having to cut peeople out of your life. It's not fun.

12. Where was the last place you went out to eat? Is going out something you enjoy or would you rather cook at home? Last went out to eat at this pizza place while out of town. I enjoy getting takeout to eat at home.

13. If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? Yes, I know my doggo does. When I was in the hospital for 3 months and the shorter time last year, my family said my dog acted weird the whole time. She was whiny (unlike her), waiting at the door a lot, appetite was less, and she always slept in my room. When we're home and sad or not feeling well she'll check on you and keep you some company. She'll nuzzle you. She'll be extra loving. They no doubt notice that stuff.

15. Is anything you’ve done lately going to matter in a year?   I'm sure. And who knows what could happen this year.

16. What was the subject of your last phone call? It was with my mom earlier to see if she could come home real quick on her lunch break.

17. Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? Depends. Like reading, watching YouTube, coloring, playing The Sims, and social media stuff I like to do alone. But watching TV, going to the movies, and shopping I like to do with others.

18. Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? There's a lot I need to work on and improve upon but I admittedly haven't done nearly as much as I should be doing or trying as hard.

19. What are you doing today? I woke up at 6am for a 730 appointment only to find out the appointment is actually next week. I was sleeping just fine and was nice and warm but dragged my ass outta bed to this damn appointment for nothing! I was so pissed. I've honestly just been sleeping off and on forr the day.

20. What did you dream about last night? I don't recall.

21. When was the last time you visited relatives? Do you see extended family often? I saw future-to-be relatives in law to my brother recently. I see one of my aunts pretty often. I don't see my extended family often to be honest. Nowhere near as often as when we were kids.

22. What was the last relaxing thing you did? Took a hashtab a bit ago.

23. Will this weekend be better than last weekend? It'll be much of the same, which isn't a lot.

24. When was the last time you were there for a friend? Recently. I have an ongoing messenger with a couple friends and we come to each other all the time about everything.

25. Do you have any jewelry you almost never take off? I have some rings, bracelets, and earrings I wear all the time.

26. What are some of your favorite words? Bleh.

27. Do you have any journals from when you were younger? If so, do you ever go back and read them? I have a few and I have done that several times in the past, but it's been quite a long time since I've re-read any of them.

28. Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? No.

29. What was the last occasion for which you dressed up? I wasn't that dressed up but for my brother's birthday I really put effort into my makeup and attempted to do something with my hair so for me that's considered "dressed up" or at least kinda.

30. Is there anything you wish you could say to anyone? A lot of things to several people.

[vampireknitting]

I don't go out all that much. If I do, it's because I'm doing something with someone or grocery shopping. I did mall crawls with friends back in school, but I never really enjoyed myself while doing it. Sure, new things are fun and cool. But it doesn't do the happy brain chemicals, just some guilt and exhaustion. Being around big groups of people is just exhausting. Grocery shopping is exhausting, too, but it's something I kinda like doing anyway.

I call myself a shut-in. Usually, as a joke but I kinda am. Fibromylagia massively changed my life. It was in a conversation with my mom that it occurred to me just how much things have changed just by doing yoga and being a homemaker. The only reason why I could sleep after our mall crawl on Sunday was because I made myself stretch our my hips and lower back. It was hard to do because it took more effort than it usually does. Today only happened because I took my time and stretched out the pain. Which I'll have to do before bed to get good rest.

All i could think about while stretching was something I was told almost 8 years ago; "if they seriously believe you have fibromylagia you need to make a choice, home life or work life because you can't have both." It was something I was told by the mom of one of my best friends. She was diagnosed before they were born and is a working woman. She's super awesome. At first, I wanted to be irritated, but she was one of the first people who took me seriously and was completely honest about it. If she wasn't, I'm pretty sure I'd have destroyed my body and every healthy relationship I've maintained over the years. That little sentence changed my life. It gave me hope that I can make something amazing regardless of the details. That awkward morning before we went to wonderland as a big ass group and was woken by her dad at like 3am, which was good for me because it made it soo much earlier to call in sick lol. By the end of the trip when I was limping and in visible pain, she told me I should think about it because the pain can be managed so you can enjoy everything still.

I'm grateful she told me because I built something great. Even though I feel over exhausted and I'm hurting pretty good, I'm in a great mood.

It leaves one feeling blessed.

[zoetekohana]

Sooo today was my birthday (timezone GMT+1 so in three minutes it’s no longer June 15th) and it was a fun day until it wasn’t...

Yesterday my boss wished me a happy birthday (for today ofc) for the very first time in the four years of my employment!!! That was a genuine fun surprise. He gave me permission to take a day off from work today to have a quiet day. 

My dad wanted to do something together and I was in the mood for a little day trip, so we went shopping and for a walk in the Netherlands. I bought a couple of fun things and my dad bought me a book on “South Korean wisdoms” (he let me choose my own present). 

After the shopping trip we went back to his girlfriend’s house to have dinner together. I wanted fries from a friturie, but his gf didn’t want that, so he made something else. Because ofc she doesn’t let me pick my dinner. Then she gave me the present she bought me, which was a cookbook called “Table for One”...

That’s not a present, that’s an insult!

I couldn’t hide my disappointment (who would be able to do that?), and I’m certain that she’s going to whine to my dad about how big of an ungrateful brat I am.

Then I got home and called my mom. She had unfortunate news as well: my grandmother fell earlier this day and I’m beyond worried about her. I hope we’ll receive good news tomorrow.

[pbandjesse]

We just got home from the state fair. Which was very fun but me and James are both a bit nauseous. Because we are to old for rides. But it was still fun.

I had a little bit of anxiety today. It made it hard to do anything. But I tried my best.

I slept better last night though. It was still hard to fall asleep but I went to sleep earlier then I have been. Progress.

I woke up at 9 and laid in bed for a few minutes. But I would convince myself to get up and I would feel alright. I was feeling a little better about my face and hair. I loved my new dress. But then I thought I would put on eyeliner and I felt so ugly??? And I washed my face multiple times and couldn't get it off enough and just felt so bad!!

So my goal was to find a way to not be super upset with my face. I put on mascara and that helped. I guess it's nice to like my face better without eyeliner?

I put on moisturizer and went and ate cereal for breakfast and tried to not think about it.

I cleaned for a bit. Took a walk to the car to drop off some stuff. Finally remembered to put the gum in there I bought to help my upset stomach. I changed the kitty litter. Or at least I tried to. We didn't have enough to fill the tray so I decided I could go out. It would be nice to get out of the house.

I decided to drive to the Towson target. Even though I tend to have bad times there because of the parking lot. But it would be a surprisingly good time even if I almost caused an accident because of blind corner in the stupid badly designed parking lot.

But that was at the end of the trip. It started with me being a little disappointed that there are going to be two Halloween stores but neither of them were open yet. Ah well. I went over to the target first. I got a few snacks. Got the kitty litter and some other things we needed. Like tissues. And was happy with my choices even if things were expensive. Everything is expensive these days.

James asked me to get them a bike accessory for their phone. I had to use the look up machine thing but I found it.

After I checked out I took everything to the car and a neat old hot rod as parked behind me and I was like. That it either going to be a very old man or it's going to be someone like Chris Viola. I would go over to the Marshalls. Where I would get an under eye cooling stick which made me feel very good. And when I came out the owner of the car was there and he was the oldest man! I knew it!

I would drive over to the other side of the giant shopping center to go to five below. Where I got a little toy frog robot (like one of those yappy dogs but a frog) and some candy. I also got a new pair of sunglasses to replace a broken pair. Need a break from the hearts. I mostly just had fun looking around. I was feeling a little better.

It was time for lunch next. I decided to get queso and chips but also got a side of corn salsa and dressing and mixed it all together and it was so good! And I picked the best time because everyone came in after and there was long lines the whole time I was eating. But I just sat and enjoyed my lunch and watched a video. I was feeling pretty good. But I also knew it was time to go home.

Just as I was leaving the parking lot is when I accidentally pulled out in front of someone when I couldn't see them over a hill. Felt very dumb. But no accident happened thankfully and I made it home in one piece.

I got a little frustrated when I got back. I figured out I can use my backpack as a hip cup holder to hold my cup so I could carry the kitty litter. But then when I got to our building door there were a bunch of packages and I was trying to hold the door open but the statue we used to use went missing a couple weeks ago and I tired using the kitty litter to hold it but it wasn't working and I was getting really frustrated. But I got everything inside.

I was confused when I got s package of washclothes. But it turned out it was from my mom and I appreciated that very much. They are Turkish towels which are my favorite. And my replacement earrings finally came and I like them very much. It inspired me to organize my earrings box though and that was a little frustrating because it's all parts of earrings and it makes no sense. But at least it's broken up into what type of piercing it is. Better then nothing.

I would finish cleaning the kitty litter. And put the dishes away. After thoroughly washing my hands. And then decided I should start to tackle the snail issue.

The grass I bought for my tanks a few weeks back seems to have been invested with snail eggs. Because over the last week I keep seeing small snails. At first it was like whatever but now there were at least 5 visible on the glass.

So I set up a pretzel box as a small tank. And started catching them. And I swear I got like 30 today. All very very small but I am not pleased. The snail tank may get moved to camp and become a breeding tank and we can feed them to Nellie the terrapin. We will see. But for now I am on a catching mission. I don't love sticking my hands in the tanks all the time. I don't want my oils or lotions to get in the water. I will continue to monitor the situation.

I would spend the afternoon knitting. And getting ready to go to the fair. I was excited. Also anxious. But that was a timing thing.

James would let me know they were going to leave soon but then it got pushed farther back because of people at the museum. Which was fine. But we were supposed to meet Celia at the fairgrounds at 5 and that wasn't going to happen.

So I let her know that we would tell her as soon as we left.

When James got home they would clean themselves up and change their shirt. I put on little boots. And we headed out.

The light rail was running late. And the sun was to bright. But it was fine. I let Celia know we had a 530 eta. And she said that was fine she was going to get Panera. Made me feel a little better.

And the fair was a lot of fun. She ended up getting stuck in traffic to get into the parking lot. So me and James found a shady spot to wait. And then made a little look around to get the kay of the land. And then we got to watch a pig race. And then went to meet her at the gate.

And it was a lot of fun! We would see the animals. And the crafts. And the fruits and flowers. And it was just really nice.

It's not the Minnesota state fair for sure. But I loved seeing all the different things. Celia knows so much about the animals so that was fun. Plus it was fun to point out the ones we liked but in silly ways. Like saying things like judging the cows by how good of rectangles they were.

I loved getting to touch the piggies. One kept biting at me. It was so cute. And James got us fried green tomatoes to share. They were more red then green but they were still nice.

We got to see the crafts which was my favorite. And I spoke to the woman who recommended the fiber craft book to me and she was so sweet. And showed me how to enter my loom knitting projects into next year's fair. So Dad if you are reading this I may need to borrow the blanket I made you! I want to win a ribbon.

I loved seeing so many different crafts though. There was an absolutely beautiful hand stitch quilt that won a ton of different things because it was absolutely outrageously beautiful. Made me inspired. And we just had fun looking at stuff and joking. Especially in the 4H section. Won't tease the kids to much but maybe a little.

We would go on a ride. Well Celia and James went on a ride together and then all three of us went on the tilt a whirl.

James and Celia went on a crazy spinny off the ground ride. Which someone lost a phone on. It flew out of the ride and was absolutely destroyed and I felt so bad. When the guy got it back he looked so sad. I hope he had insurance on it.

I was in charge of holding the phones and hats and glasses so no one would lose anything. And I had fun watching them have fun.

We would watch one more piggy race. And I wanted to hold a piggy but I didn't want to wait. So we went and did the tilt a whirl and it was fun but made me really dizzy. Mostly I was laughing a bunch and that was fun. I was having a really good time with my friend and my husband and it was just really good.

We got funnel cake. And found somewhere to sit. We ate and talked and it was nice. The sun was going down and it was getting cooler. James said they were basically done but I wanted to walk around a little more.

I liked seeing all the games and prizes. But I did not play anything. I was pleased to find a Native American jewelry stand and it wasn't just fake white people stuff. I had a lovely conversation with them and got their website and James bought me a map with a bunch of the tribes in it that I am excited to put in my PowerPoint and program. The man said it's missing 600 smaller groups but has the big ones and I appreciated him saying so, so I can also say so.

Celia would walk with us to the light rail soon after that though. She wanted to go do one more ride but we wanted to go catch the train. So hugs all around. And then we were off.

Me and James got the light rail pretty quick. We were making each other laugh but we were both a little nauseous. And very happy to go home.

When we got back to our neighborhood I found a little light rack thing I'm going to use on my studio. James just shook their head at me.

Soon though we were home. And I found more snails in the big tanks. But it was fine. I went and showered. And now we are in bed. We are both feeling a little unwell. I'm going to say goodnight so I can lay with my James.

I hope you all sleep well. I hope you are being kind to yourselves. Good night my friends. I love you all.

[bonesandthebees]

Also I had some coffee today and it was chocolate raspberry and it was so tasty and I had it with some apple cinnamon bread that my cousin had made and it was a little stale but it's alright bc it was tasty and paired with the coffee it made delicious dessert so :)

Also while I was in the store earlier I had the WORST cramps I literally felt like I was going to fall on the floor but after a while they went away and I could enjoy the shopping again so yay I also got some bright red nail polish I haven't put it on yet but I was thinking of doing that tomorrow

I really want to get into cosmetic stuff but I never learned how to do makeup and at this point I'm too scared to ask bc anxiety of ppl making fun of me for not knowing how to do makeup is strong and that may sound stupid but hey I got issues lol but yeah I want to learn how to do makeup but I have no clue where to start or what brands to get or like anything

Also with skincare bc my skin has seen better days but I'm also too nervous to ask for help with that and I have no clue what to do for that so lol my skin is suffering

I've slowly but surely been getting my wardrobe to my current style and Ive gotten a lot more comfortable wearing shorts in public bc before I always wore pants so my legs were never shown off and I realized about last year(?) That I had gotten really self conscious about my legs even around my family but i actually wore shorts out in public yesterday when I met up with my mom and I felt so happy bc I rlly like the outfit I was wearing it was black shorts with a white shirt with yellow and blue vertical stripes and the shirt was tucked into the shorts and I felt so happy wearing it it was great I felt very very good abt myself which is good bc I am self conscious about my body a little but it's gotten a lot better recently so that's good!

-🌼

chocolate raspberry coffee sounds so good wtf I wanna try that

okay I'm not going to go off on a tangent here on makeup/skincare recs and tips and all that unless you ask for it, but if you ever want that kind of stuff I know quite a bit about those kinds of things and I'm happy to share my wisdom! I'm not like an expert makeup artist or anything and while I hypothetically know about more intense stuff like contouring and baking your face and all that I've never actually done it, but I do know a decent amount! and I can do eyeliner really well so, there's that. and I've already made some skincare rec posts on here but I'm happy to answer more qs about that stuff if you ever desire

I'm glad you were able to feel good about your outfit!! baby steps are important for that stuff, but definitely try to branch out and wear outfits you might not normally wear! if you see an item of clothing you really like but you're self conscious about it, consider getting it any way and seeing if you can just wear it around your house for a bit to feel more confident in it before wearing it out. I used to be really self conscious about wearing tight shirts for a very specific body insecurity I have that I won't get into rn but I really love wearing crop tops so I gradually just started getting tops that were a bit tighter and it really helped my confidence

[troglobite]

friend of mine of 16 years is.....really, truly testing my limits. 

we’ve been talking more lately which is nice

but the problem is

she lives in france and has this vibrant social life

and hasn’t been wearing masks. anywhere. at all. that i have seen.

meanwhile for the last week or 10 days or so, she’s been sick. like terribly sick. “hacking up a lung” as she put it, and it included a temporary eye infection. she also had bloodwork done that has a. Troubling value on it. that still hasn’t been addressed.

she had covid earlier this year. 

and she has, she said, tested negative for covid this time. so it could be an early flu. 

but. 

regardless.

here’s what she’s done while sick (i didn’t even know she WAS sick until she TOLD me)

gone for runs, gone out to MULTIPLE restaurants with MULTIPLE people, gone to cafes, museums, and gone to a concert.

without a mask.

i literally just told her last night to take care of herself bc esp w the concerning level she got on her bloodwork, covid can have wreaked havoc in her system--and this ~minor virus~ can be anything but minor. any sickness can cause permanent lifelong disability, but ESPECIALLY now that she’s had covid before. i told her she should get some rest and take it easy.

so today she went to a cafe, multiple museums, and a concert, and then also went shopping. 

meanwhile she told me “don’t worry, i’ll listen to you!”

and says she’ll have plenty of time to relax.......this week. 

i’m exhausted. and seriously losing patience.

i just. am struggling to stomach this kind of behavior. 

we literally talked on zoom a few times and i told her--i don’t have a life. I DON’T HAVE A LIFE. I DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

and she says

“don’t worry abt it, you’re not missing anything”

REALLY?

LIKE THE MUSEUMS, AND WALKS, AND INTERNATIONAL TRIPS (bc oh yeah she went to GREECE with a girl she’s dating!), AND CONCERTS, AND FANCY RESTAURANTS, AND FUN OUTINGS WITH FRIENDS???

I’M NOT MISSING ANYTHING????

fuck off SO HARD.

i’m just.

i’ve literally told her my new diagnoses. i’ve told her i’m struggling w meds. i’ve told her how sick w worry and stress i’ve been abt my mom having had covid (who also tested negative again yesterday w another pcr--which she only took bc now we’re vaguely worried abt the possibility that i have it--my test results still haven’t come back yet bc we had to do walgreens instead of health insurance which i just lost)

i just--when i said i was worried abt my mom and long covid, she tactlessly told me abt a friend of hers who’d had it and was asymptomatic, and now was having scary health problems bc of long covid.

i didn’t ask anything because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

and despite ALL OF THAT

she is GOING IN PUBLIC, WITHOUT A MASK, WHILE ACTIVELY SICK

i’m just. i can’t understand or deal with this. and it’s taking all of my patience and ability to disconnect to be able to continue talking with her. like at this point i’m going to ASK if she was masking, if she’s feeling better, if she got any meds, if everyone else has been able to avoid catching whatever she has

i just

HOW CAN YOU BE THIS FUCKING THOUGHTLESS?!

it’s not like she went to WORK sick (which she ALSO did) just bc she HAD to, right? like capitalism, i get it. (except france has better laws around that and better pay so i’m sure she could’ve missed ONE day....)

like she is CHOOSING. to GO OUT. NEEDLESSLY.

WITH FRIENDS

WITHOUT A FUCKING MASK

and i’m worried abt her in addition to being so fucking EXHAUSTED. like do i even emotionally feel anger and fury? no. i’m tired.

i’m exhausted. i’m talking to someone who actively doesn’t care abt me and other people like me. who claims she loves me and is one of my best friends and has been for 16 years.

and that’s just impossible to reconcile.

and idek if it’s worth mentioning.

what’s super fucked up is that her dad just got done w cancer treatment. they caught it early, it sounds like he fared well, and he was declared cancer free last month. 

but when she was there in august to visit her parents...

she went to a massive family wedding.

where NO ONE wore a mask.

and i’m like

YOU ARE LITERALLY STAYING WITH YOUR DAD WHO IS STILL IN CHEMO

AND YOU DIDN’T WEAR A *FUCKING* MASK!??!?!?!

how can you say you’re worried abt him and want to protect him and make sure he’s okay AND THEN PUT HIM AT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY RISK LIKE THAT?!

like THAT could’ve KILLED HIM.

and i just can’t wrap my fucking head around it. 

i don’t want to completely cut this off but i’m just. having to put up these walls and barriers. 

i’m just. tired and frustrated. i’m just so fucking exhausted.

like.

the last time we talked on zoom she said she wanted me to be more open and honest abt shit that’s hard--bc part of masking and most of my longer friendships is that i don’t share anything. i’m not honest abt that stuff, i don’t like talking abt it.

well. i tried.

and she sucked at responding. 

and i don’t mean that she responded in a way i didn’t like.

i mean she just sucked at it.

as in

me trying to talk abt a thing that’s hard and i’m really struggling

her response?

“that sucks. well, i don’t know both sides. but if you need me i’m here!”

....that’s what. i--i’m literally. i need you. i’m talking to you. YOU ARE THERE, SO DO/SAY SOMETHING??? AND STOP INSINUATING THAT I’M WRONG OR MY FEELINGS ARE WRONG????

or the best

“lemme know if you want to talk!”

THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT I’M DOING???? RIGHT NOW???? WHAT THE FUCK???????

meanwhile w her situation w her ex gf (who i hate--met her once, she was overdramatic and fatphobic and honestly i’ve been side-eyeing her abt that, and also turns out she’s extremely emotionally manipulative, so thank god she’s fucking gone) i had been listening and replying in-depth for WEEKS.

listening as she cried. supporting and validating her. asking if she wanted my perspective. offering it couched in distant language and being understanding and offering like, perspective without telling her what to do. supporting and reiterating her own decisions.

we have to talk via instagram dm bc international shit, and i fucking typed all that shit on my phone in IG messages--hundreds of words. each time.

and she’s doing better! she listened and did what she needed to do, and she thanked me, and it didn’t fix anything, but it helped. as far as i can tell. and she sought me out for that. 

but i do the same w her and i can’t even get 10% of whatever her version of that would be. 

and i’m not saying

“wow i invested all this into your mental health, why can’t you invest in mine?”

i’m not expecting a miracle. i know i haven’t shared w her before. i know she’s having to figure it out.

but when someone reaches out to you. and is struggling. and you ASKED THEM TO DO THIS.

you cannot reply

“lemme know if you need to talk! i’m here for you!”

and then NOTHING ELSE

and expect that to be okay! 

i’m just really disappointed in her.

she’s always claimed i’m so important to her, like a sibling, a best friend. and it’s true insofar as--we can go a year without talking and then pick up and it’s like nothing ever changed. which is fine!

but i’m just. now thinking maybe it’s better like that. 

bc i can’t emotionally or mentally deal with the kind of person she is when she makes these choices that are directly contributing to a culture that means i literally cannot leave my fucking house.

i was talking to her abt my job difficulties and she gave me this boomer advice

i said the place i wanted to apply wasn’t hiring anymore--she said, send in your application anyway. 

i just LOOKED at her. like what fucking universe do you live in??? the 1960s??? what the FUCK?

it was just absolutely bizarre. 

idfk man. it’s weird and unpleasant and i don’t appreciate how she’s saying one thing to my face and then she and her friends are going out and playing russian roulette w their lives and ours and they don’t give a fucking shit

it’s exhausting

honestly this is how most ppl i’ve known irl are behaving lately. it just stings more when i’m actively trying to maintain a close relationship w someone i’ve known 16 years and talking abt how the pandemic is affecting me and my life--

and she directly makes choices that make it even harder for me.

it’s just. i’m fucking tired.

like she sent me all these msgs all excited abt the concert, the museum, the cafe date, the new art supplies that she went shopping for.

and i just.

i can’t be excited with you. bc you did all of those things and you might’ve ended up killing someone or disabling them for life. bc you went out while sick and contagious with an unknown virus. in the middle of a mass disabling pandemic. that has lowered everyone’s immunity and damaged countless organs, including the brain.

and i’m just. 

tired. i’m fucking tired. 

[nostalgiaispeace]

2388.

When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? last week

How many times have you had sex within the past two years? ummm a lot

When was the last time you made up a word? Did people think it was weird? never???

How many times in a month do you go to the movies? How much do you spend? never. it's too expensive.

What is one of those movies that you could never get tired of watching? oh god so many. harry potter tho for sure.

When was the last time you heard thunder? Where were you at anyway? i'm not sure

Have you ever begged the opposite sex for anything at all? probably.

Are there many places to shop in the town you live in? What kinds? I only go to Target or Kroger lol

When was the last time you bought shoes? What do they look like? I bought shoes earlier this month for my daughter. I got her red vans.

Do you like surveys with really in-depth questions, like mine? sure

When was the last time you were in trouble with your parents? lmao i'm old. that doesn't happen

Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? no

Do you know anyone who claims to have the ability to see the future? No.

Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? not really.

Do you like any songs from country music? If so, which ones do you like? no

Can people read your facial expressions easily? If so, why is this? i'm not sure.

When was the last time you went on vacation? Where did you go to? earlier this year. i stayed at home but went places with my mom How many states have you been to in your lifetime? Guesstimate if not sure. maybe 5

When you go to the movies, do you actually watch the movies or not? yes i do What kind of instant messaging service do you use? Why do you use this? Facebook messenger. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? last year or maybe earlier this year?

Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? i've had fights?? Does it ever bother you when people use abbreviations for certain words? yes

Would it creep you out if you walked in on your best friend having sex? yes When was the last time you said ‘I love you?’ Who did you say it to? today. to my daughter

Do you have any of those freaky phobias that make no sense at all? Yes lol

Do you ever look at random people and think they could be a serial killer? yes

Does it scare you when the sky gets really cloudy and dark during the day? yes

What was the last amusement park you went to? Did you have fun? i'm not sure

[onedayatatime-please]

Saturday, Aug. 17th, 2024. 6:05 pm.

The day has been beautiful so far. I woke up before everyone else, aside from my mom and aunt who had left the house to go shopping. I took my cup of coffee and walked down the pond where folks were out clamming in the sand. I brought out one of the kayaks and boated over to the sandbar that you can cross over to get to the ocean. The waves were huge and the tide was strong so I just stayed in the surf and let the waves tug me back and forth for a few minutes. I found a beautiful stone that fits perfectly in the palm of my hand and I put it in my kayak and went home. When I got back my mom and aunt were home and my cousins were making breakfast. We had pancakes and eggs and bacon and fresh berries and it was all delicious. Afterwards we all went back out kayaking to the ocean for a few hours and I had fun riding the waves made by some folks on their motorboats. I came back earlier then the rest and showered and made myself a quick lunch. My cousins and I set up a makeshift ping pong table with two saw horses and some plywood and have been playing each other for a few hours. My eldest cousin and his wife and baby got here only a little while ago and we had some bread, cheese, prosciutto, and sliced apple as they had just come off a flight and were hungry.

My skin and hair feels all smooth from the salt and the sand and my stomach is full of good things. My body is calm and my mind is sleepy but not fatigued. I feel genuinely relaxed for the first time in I can’t remember when. I’m laying on my bed now listening to Dan Reeder in my underwear. The window is open and I can hear people moving throughout the house and the crickets in the yard and the people playing ping pong. I am so happy. If no one was here I feel like I would wanna just lay naked in the grass outside and lazily jerk off while drinking a beer and listening to music. That sounds so nice.

Definitely feeling hornier then usual and I feel bad for thinking about this when he’s having such a rough time but I really miss having sex with 🪶 specifically eating him out. I really didn’t think eating pussy was something I would like but it’s turned out being my favorite sexual thing to do. I guess it makes sense, I really don’t enjoy receiving sexual stimulation from someone else so having something to do that gives a partner pleasure without me being directly stimulated is great. Giving him head turns me on way more then when he jerks me off tbh. I think I just really don’t like people touching me like that, which is okay, it just took a lot of explaining in the beginning of our relationship. Cause he kept saying he felt bad for not reciprocating anything, and he has such a high libido that he like literally just couldn’t understand the fact that I didn’t want reciprocation. Not to mention my libido is more or less non existent. I have like one day a month, maybe, where I’m slightly horny and that’s it. I jerk off on my own just if I’m bored though, and it helps me fall asleep sometimes. I don’t feel bad that I’m ace but I def wish it didn’t make dating more difficult.

Anyways, I’m happy. It’s been a good day so far. I’m writing this earlier in the day just cause it’s so nice I had to write about it.

I’m not Dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

10:27 pm edit:

Ate a nice dinner and sat on the lawn playing a drinking game with my cousins after. Usually beer is a bit of a self harm for me, because I feel guilty when drinking and I hate the taste of it so I have to kinda choke it down. today I’ve drank a fair amount but all of it has felt lovely, a part of community and bonding with my family. Playing a fun game together that also happened to involve beer. I’m not tipsy but I’ve had a few beers and glass of wine so I’ve gotten a little tired. Gonna sleep good and hard tonight. Tomorrow I want to try and kayak the length of the pond, which is a few miles. Maybe I’ll do that early in the morning before most people wake up.

Also met my eldest cousin’s wife and baby for the first time. It’s really weird. I haven’t seen him since he was a kid and he looks the same but now he’s like running out of the room every five minutes to check on the baby. He married younger then most nowadays, so it’s kinda jarring to see him as a father. It genuinely feels like yesterday we were mucking about in the little canyons out west, chasing rattle snakes and hitting each other with sticks. I’m about as tall as him now too, but in all my memories I’m looking up at him from way down low. My memory is so fucked, like so much of my life is just a blur and I only get little snippets that I have to piece together. And almost daily i loose time, I’ll just be doing something and then suddenly I’m in another place doing something else with no memory of how I got there. So, considering time never really feels linear for me, it’s weird to watch other people move through time consistently. And now there’s this baby that I’m gonna watch grow older in weird segments cause I doubt I’m gonna see them very much. And one day he’s gonna be 13 and at a family gathering and he’s gonna have no clue who I am but I’m gonna say some dumb shit like “I knew you when you were This tall!”

I made a suicide joke during the drinking game, and everyone laughed except my sister and I immediately felt bad about it. All she said was “Please don’t.” I won’t, I promise.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

[catlover-dead-inside]

Yay.... I've had a anxiety crisis in front of my parents

How should I cope with it? Well, I decided to just tell what happened to complete strangers so I feel any better

⚠️TW: Anxiety crisis, miscarriage and crying ⚠️

So, I was going to swimming classes but in the way I started panting and feel weird, but I didn't made it evident so I could do swimming class normally

Out of nowhere I put my swimsuit and feel cold asf

I tried to ignore it and made class normally, except that I was panting the whole time without even getting tired I also felt a shock through all my body about 3 times

I then asked my parents to go home, since we were going to shopping again to buy my cousin a birthday gift

I went Saturday to shop some mother's day gift for my mom and my parents went early yesterday to buy my mom a dress, now we went for the 3° time around these 4 days to buy something for my cousin

Okay, I felt like shit because I asked 4 times to go home and leave me there, but she didn't and we went straight to shopping

The whole time I've been there I was shivering, in the verge of tears and not wanting to be touched, since my mother is a nurse she recognized immediately I was having a anxiety crisis and tried to comfort me and make me deal better with anxiety

My dad on the other hand wanted to pull me closer and try to distract me the whole time, but then he tried to guilt trip me because I didn't wanted to stay longer to eat pizza with them

In the car I cried A LOT I was comforted by my mom by holding her hand and crying everything out of my body, I ended up letting out stuff I didn't wanted to and now my mom knows the truth

I didn't wanted to cry in front of her and repeated several times my parents were going to make fun of me for crying in front of them someday or when I stop crying, that I didn't trusted my mother's word because every time I trust my parents to vent or let out a "weakness" they hurt me, gaslight me or try to guilt trip me somehow. I guess my mother talked or argued to my dad later on for that

She looked really hurted after I let out those stuff...

I then made them carry everything home and eat there, I ate a slice of it and drank some Pepsi and water

When out of nowhere my mother shouted something, I went to see and found out my cat had a miscarriage, which made me really stressed out and anxious

I then found out about an hour later that I was with a 38.4 degrees fever, I tried to sleep after taking a remedy but I just couldn't

I peed about 5 times around a hour, but at least I got refreshed with it and feeling less hot

My mom insisted on making me stay beside her but I didn't wanted it on anyway, but I know she wanted me to be closer to her so she can take care of me faster in case I get worse or need something, but I didn't wanted to

Today I tried to go to class and ended up going home earlier due to be stressed out with the loud, noisy and agitated environment and also felt like I was getting worse again

Wish luck to this sick fucked up idiot