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blueteller · 6 months

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Thanks for answering! If I can ask more but what made og!Cale (and also KRS) not like their previous life? And is the novel not still complete?

Of course you can! I'll answer each topic in this order, as it will make the most sense:

the current state of the novel

why OG Cale did not like his previous life

why Kim Rok Soo did not like his previous life

how transmigration happened, and why it was good for both of them

First topic: is the novel complete?

At this moment, the novel is still in the works: more precisely, Part 2 is still in the works. Part 1 of "Trash of the Count's Family" (title from "Eat Apple Pies" English translation; the manhwa title translation is "Lout of the Count's Family" due to convoluted legality reasons) had been been completed in year 2022, with 776 chapters.

While I considered Part 1's ending a satisfying conclusion of the main story arc, it still left a lot of unanswered questions – and I do mean a LOT. It felt less like the end of a book, and more like an end of a season. So Part 2 is really the continuation of the same story.

Between Part 1 and 2, there were additional "extras" published, which were numbered as chapters 777-799. So that when the prologue for Part 2 came out, it was numbered 800, and everything from 801 up was Part 2. Yesterday on Munpia, where I read the novel in Korean (through an automatic translator of course, since I don't know any Korean. Let me tell you, it's a pain...) came out chapter 1006, which makes TCF Part 2 currently 206 chapters long.

The author originally predicted that Part 2 to be 300 chapters long. No one believed that, myself included: because the author is one of those writers who always end up writing much more than they intended, hahaha! I know that feeling well. I'm estimating Part 2 to be at least 500 chapters long by the end it's done, probably around 600.

...I know that the length of this novel might seem unreasonable, but it's really not being stretched for content or money purposes: it's truly Plot all the way through. It's all story. There really is just that much story to tell, and it would not be as satisfying if you cut any of it out.

I admire this writer a lot. TCF is so much fun. I freaking love this novel.

Second topic: why the Original Cale Henituse did not like his life?

We have to go back to the very beginning: the marriage of Count Deruth Henituse, and Jour Thames. (You might have seen the name "Drew" being used sometimes, but it's really just the matter of translation. I'm sticking with "Jour".)

Jour had a very complicated background, but I won't dive into all of that here – what matters is that Jour had a very special power. It was a Wood Ancient Power called "The Annual Rings of Life", and it allowed her to see the "annual rings" of all living things: past, present and future. Meaning she could see the fate of a person, including how many years they had to live.

And when she looked at her young son, Cale, with that power, she saw something very unusual. His "annual rings of life" were "warped". Meaning, he would experience an unusual fate in the future, and in result become a Variable: either a regressor, a transmigrator, or a reincarnator. Or, more than one at once. So she told Cale:

"You are someone who will have an unusual experience with time."

Basically, she saw OG Cale's future fate and realized that the world is going to be in Big Trouble, because gods only make Variables like that happen when something really big and really bad is going down.

Now, it's just my speculation – but on top of it, I think Jour could see her own "annual rings". Meaning, she knew she would die young, and that by the time Cale became a Variable, she would no longer be around. So, knowing all this, she decided she needed to help out as much as she could: she wrote down a journal for "the person who would possess her son's body" in the future.... and commited suicide.

Why? Because it allowed her to split the power in 2 pieces. But that is a much longer story, and we're here to talk about OG Cale.

But it all starts right here: with Jour committing suicide, although no one knew that was the case at the time. All they knew was that Jour went on a short trip to Harris Village for some reason, had a carriage accident on the way back, and then died soon after, despite her injuries not seeming very serious.

That unexpected death devastated both Deruth and Cale, who loved her very much. Deruth was emotionally broken and Cale reminded him much of his dead wife, because they both had red hair and looked very similar. I imagine he started avoiding Cale for that reason, although it wasn't at all mean-spirited: Deruth was simply depressed over his beloved wife. To cope with his broken heart (and possibly to give Cale a new mother figure), he soon chose to remarry rather quickly, to a woman named Violan, who already had a son named Basen. Basen was 3 years younger than Cale.

Basen's existence is the reason why Cale chose to become "trash". You see, while on the outside people thought that Cale was outraged at his father "replacing" his mother so soon, or that he resented Violan... that wasn't the case at all. Cale quickly grew to accept them both as family. However, unlike Jour (who was from a small noble family), Violan was descended from a merchant family. She and her son were not nobility. Because of this, Basen faced discrimination from their relatives, who did not approve of Deruth's second marriage.

Young Cale, seeing Basen insulted and belittled by other nobles, created a plan. He told Basen to lie to everyone that he was Deruth's biological son, and that he was a Henituse by blood. Then he began acting like a completely spoiled brat. He complained, he yelled, he threw things. At the age of 15, he started drinking. He did everything in his power to completely ruin his reputation.

Why? All for Basen, Violan, and later Lily. Because he wanted them to be accepted by noble society. If he, Deruth's firstborn, was removed from succession, that would make Basen the next Count. And then no one would be able to disrespect them.

While it might seem like a crazy plan (and let's be fair: he came up with it as a child), it was actually surprisingly effective. No one saw through his act: not even his butler Ron, who was a trained assassin by trade. Cale's acting abilities were flawless. He played the drunk, spoiled noble with a trash reputation perfectly. Basen was quickly accepted as the heir by the public; although nothing in the family had been formally decided. While this was going on, Deruth did not know why his son was acting like this, but he never really lost faith in him; he probably thought it was all about Jour's death, and Cale would mature in time. It was also said that despite everything, Cale still acted respectfully towards his father, and was distant but still respectful towards his step family. Their family were thus strained, but not broken.

When Kim Rok Soo transmigrated, he was under the impression that OG Cale was deliberately shunned by the rest of the family. But that distance was purely artificial, but OG Cale's own design. When KRS!Cale "stopped" acting distant towards the rest of the family, the Henituses happily embraced the change. They likely thought that he finally allowed himself to heal from Jour's death and move on. That's why no one questioned him about the "change of personality", even though they all noticed it immediately.

Now, we have to talk about the TBOAH ("The Birth of a Hero") timeline. What happened before OG Cale regressed, and transmigrated into KRS's body.

In the TBOAH timeline, when OG Cale was 18, he met Choi Han on a rainy day. OG Cale was "drunk" (actually just pretending to be, as his alcohol torelance was secretly super strong), and Choi Han mentioned being from Harris Village, which had just been all massacred by assassins.

Now OG Cale, full in his "drunk trash noble" personna, probably had his own reasons for provoking Choi Han. He likely thought that getting into a fight would prevent him from getting sent to the Capital for an important celebration, and letting Basen shine. But he also honestly hated Harris Village, which was the place where his mother died. So he insulted the dead villagers to Choi Han's face. Choi Han took it personally and beat him up quite a bit for it. That incident was what inspired KRS!Cale to change the events from the TBOAH timeline, despite his lack of desire to get involved with the "plot of the story".

What exactly happened between this point and OG Cale's transmigration 22 years later is mostly speculation, but we do know some things from the TBOAH timeline thanks to KRS!Cale.

Firstly, soon afterwards Basen went to the Capital, and it was attacked with bombs. Basen either got lucky, got injured, or died in the incident. Whichever actually happened then, Basen certainly could not remain alive for long; 2 years later, the Henituse territory was attacked by the Indomitable Alliance, as their first act of war. We know that the territory was unprepared, and suffered countless casualties. Among them, the entire Henituse family died, except for OG Cale.

So we have a clear order of events for OG Cale in the TBOAH timeline: his happy early childhood, his mother's death at 8, soon followed by his father's second marriage and the appearance of his step family, OG Cale sacrificing his heir position for Basen's sake, a terrible adolescence focused entirely on ruining his own reputation and acoholism (the latter which followed him into adulthood, and no wonder), and finally losing his home and his entire family at the age of 20.

Not to mention, the 20 years of war which followed afterwards. The TBOAH timeline sucked for absolutely everyone.

When soldier Cale was 40, during the "final battle" of all the allied forces against their enemy, he got trapped under his allies' corpses. As he laid there, he witnessed Choi Han facing the White Star, the mysterious enemy leader. OG Cale saw as White Star suddenly grabbed Choi Han and declared:

"Time is warped oddly for you."

The words made him recall what Jour told him years ago. In that moment, OG Cale realized: the White Star had his mother's power. Then the White Star shoot a stream of fire at OG Cale, intending to casually finish him off.

...but OG Cale did not die, because at that exact moment, the God of Death offered him a deal.

What kind of deal? And why? Let's get back to that in a bit.

Third topic: why Kim Rok Soo did not like his life?

First of all: from the very beginning, KRS was screwed. Why? Because he was born with a curse.

What curse? And why? I'll get back to that bit later, too. But what matters is: it was a curse of bad luck, which made KRS loose every single person he cared about sooner or later.

KRS started off not too differently from OG Cale – he wasn't a noble, but he had two loving parents. However, a tragedy struck early on, and both died in a car accident. As a young boy, KRS got adopted by a distant relative named Kim Seung Jong, his uncle.

KRS's uncle, who turned out to be a gambling addict and an alcoholic. He took KRS in only to use what little money his parents left for him, starving and abusing him. Eventually, KRS ran away.

What happened to him shortly afterwards is a bit unclear. It's possible he lived on the streets for a bit. But eventually, he had to have landed in an orphanage, because he went to high school like a normal teenager with an ordinary life.

...Except that one incident with some evil dimension travellers noticing his curse, mistaking it for something else, and trying to kill KRS. And also someone else using him as live bait. But hey, KRS got his memory erased afterwards, so it's not like the trauma of those events affected him or anything, right?? :')

Soooo anyway, all was going well for KRS. At the age of 20, he got into a university and had a part time job as a waiter. All was good!

...Except then the Monster Invasion started. That's right! You read it right! You thought KRS was from a normal modern Korea?? SIKE, he was from a post-apocalyptic world all along!! KRS spent 3 days under building debris, drinking rain water and slowly starving, until he was rescued by a young hero named Lee Soo Hyuk. LSH lead KRS into a nearby Shelter – a place with supernatural properties which were immune to monster attacks – and left. All was good!! ...Except then the leader of the Shelter turned out to be a huge jerk and started bossing KRS around and beat him up on occassion. Luckily, the Shelters failed 10 months later and everybody at the Shelter died, including that jerk!! ....Wait.

So KRS survived not just one, but 2 incidents where everybody around him died. But that's ok, because he joined the organization lead by LSH and another cool dude named Choi Jung Soo. Sure, they risked their lives every day by fighting monsters and rescuing people and fighting organized crime on the side – but hey, at least KRS had friends now, for the first time in his life! So that's good, right?

....Except, several years later – around time when KRS was 26 – a super powerful monster called an Unranked Monster killed everyone in KRS's team. But it was fine! Totally fine! He just survived everybody dying around him for the 3rd time in his life, and everybody kept talking about him behind his back how he's an unfeeling bastard because he's unable to cry anymore... but who cares! KRS became Team Leader now, and he was determined to have zero casualties from now on.

That's right! ZERO. CASUALTIES. Because he's the most stubborn person alive, and also insane. So of course, he managed to actually pull it off.

So KRS spent the next 10 years being an absolute bada**, taking down mob bosses, fighting monsters and keeping all his team members alive, but also keeping distant from everybody and not having any friends because hey – if you notice a suspicious pattern of all your friends either vanishing or dying since you were a kid, you'd probably stop trying to make friends too.

36-year-old KRS was totally fine, and emotionally stable, and absolutely-not-at-all traumatized by all the deaths he's witnessed so many times. Just like OG Cale was probably-not-at-all traumatized by how his entire family died, or the next 20 years of war witnessing people brutally dying everywhere and an evil overlord taking over the world. They were both totally fine, I assure you!!

...Anyway, what was that 4th topic again??

Fourth topic: how and why the transmigration happened, and why was it good for both of them?

Right, let's start with OG Cale's deal.

The God of Death is able to make deals with people in life threatening situations. When the White Star attacked OG Cale, it allowed the God of Death to offer him to regress back in time and then switch places with one Kim Rok Soo. But why OG Cale? Obviously KRS had the qualifications to avert the events of the TBOAH timeline and the End of the World, being an experienced leader of an apocalyptic world – but what made OG Cale so special?

Well, there could be several reasons. One of which was how despite all their differences, their lives were similar in many ways. Both OG Cale and KRS lost family when they were young, experienced rejection from society, and had military experience. Not to mention the acting skills. OG Cale was able to successfully take over KRS's job, and that was no easy feat. KRS's team noticed the change of course, but they were much more happy about their totally-not-depressed-and-potentially-suicidal Team Leader was finally starting to open up, than the fact that he apparently went "crazy" one day and decided he suddenly liked alcohol now.

Another reason, perhaps, was how OG Cale's mom had the Annual Rings of Life power. It was quite important for defeating the White Star, and the way Jour set it up, only her son – or at least, the person in her son's body – would be able to find the Ancient Power; specifically the part which was able to see fate, aka. the future. The White Star got his hands on the "weaker" half of the Annual Rings, so he was only able to see the past: which saved OG Cale, as during the confrontation where the White Star tried to kill him, he wasn't able to recognize him as a future regressor & transmigrator.

...There's also Jour's Thames heritage, but that's a a whooole other topic. (Also the possible connection between Cale Barrow's last body and the Thames, but that's just a theory right now so it doesn't really matter.)

So, that covers the part of "why OG Cale". What about KRS? He couldn't be the only person capable of defeating a final boss like the White Star, right?

Well, remember how I mentioned that KRS was cursed since birth? Well, turns out that it was all the White Star's fault! Apparently KRS was meant to be born in the fantasy TCF world. Except the White Star was a reincarnator, who reincarnated using an ancient curse. To be reborn, the White Star stole bodies from other people, like KRS. Those unfortunate souls would then pass on and reincarnate in a different dimension, except bearing a part of the very same curse. The curse which makes sure that "you can never cherish anyone ever again". While the curse was weaker in the victims of the White Star than the guy himself, it still affected people like KRS. Because the God of Death was the one who originally created the curse, he felt really guilty about it. He tried to remove it from KRS, but was unable to.

...until the transmigration, that is! So, part of the reason why KRS was chosen for the transmigration (or rather, to be the "victim" of OG Cale's own transmigration) was that it allowed the God of Death remove the curse from him. Which allowed him to FINALLY make friends and be happy.

OG Cale, in return for this deal, got: a time regression which saves his family and the entire world, the truth behind his mother's death, a new environment to live in unrelated to his traumas where he could heal, and most importantly, a young reincarnation of his birth mother, whom he got to adopt as an uncle.

KRS, on the other hand, got: a blood family that cares about him, a free luxurious lifestyle with lack of responsibilities, new environment to live in unrelated to his traumas where he could heal, a detailed guide about closest future tragedies to prevent, and most importantly, a life free of the curse he unknowingly suffered from his entire life and the ability to keep all his new family and friends close to him.

....Phew. I hope you don't mind my explanation being so long.

To sum it all up:

the novel has two parts, Part 1 is finished, Part 2 is in progress

OG Cale lived in a lie and then through a war and got to start over

KRS lived through constant suffering and trauma and got to start over

their positions in life made it perfect for a transmigration switch with no loose ends

I hope this explanation helped!

#tcf #trash of the count's family #lcf #lout of the count's family #q&a #replies #tcf meta #transmigration #cale henituse #cale #tcf cale #kim rok soo #og cale #og cale henituse #original cale henituse #the transmigration was the best thing which happened to either of them #i loathe the god of death but at least he did one thing right

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escapetheshark · 9 months

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Off the Deep End | part 1 | swim instructor Bang Chan x fem reader

Genre: fluff; smut; angst

Rating: 18+

Pairing: Bang Chan x fem reader

Word count: 3,6k

Warnings: mentions of past trauma, drowning, adult language (warnings will be added to each chapter)

Summary: Hellbent on facing her fears, she starts taking up swimming lessons from one attractive young instructor named Christopher.

A/N: In case you're new here, I always name my characters because I don't like writing in the second person. This story is set in Australia, therefore I use some Aussie slang and lore, lmk if there's anything you don't understand that I can clarify for you. I'm not Australian, I just tried my best to recall things from my time there and I suppose a lot of things are similar to New Zealand. If any Aussies find anything really OOC, please do let me know.

A massive thank you to @seo--changbin for her help aka putting up with my bulshit. Love you <3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | to be continued

Masterlit | Network

It's a lovely day: the sun is shining down on me, hot and bright, not a single cloud in the sky. I take another sip of my boozy cocktail and look over to my right where my sister has fallen asleep with a book on her face, several empty glasses piled on her side of the table. Not even her kids' loud screeches can seem to disturb her slumber, or maybe she's got good at zoning out. Her husband, who had disappeared inside the house God knows how long ago, has come back with a bucket in his arms and places it down by the lawn chairs.

"Help yourself," he enthusiastically says, before noticing his wife's sleeping form and immediately repeating himself in a lower voice. "Help yourself."

"Thank you," I simply say, raising my cocktail glass to show him I'm good for now. The bucket is full of beer, soda cans and water bottles for the kids.

The two boys decide to have a cannonball contest at the far end of the pool and are arguing about whose technique is the best, although I personally didn't find either that impressive. My brother-in-law finishes his Heineken and joins his kids with what was probably the only good cannonball of the day. He swims over to the edge of the pool and his head peeks out from the surface of the water.

"Come on, Jess, get in!"

"No thanks, I'm good."

"You need to face your fears at some point," he shrugs. "It's a lot more fun than just sitting on the lounger all day!"

He does make a compelling argument, however, I still see blood flowing and swaying on the water anytime I stare down into a swimming pool, the bottom seemingly invisible, like an endless pit. The scar is well hidden, thanks to really good surgeons and my own talent in makeup, but it is there and I do see it and feel its ridges whenever I touch my jaw. I'm facing my fear, looking straight into it. Maybe someday I'll be able to take a dive, but today is not that day.

I want to go home, I really do. My sister's friends are all a little obnoxious and I'm starting to feel sick from all the grilled meat I end up consuming at her weekend barbeques. At least the kids have all gone to sleep, not that the adults aren't equally as loud, especially after so much beer.

"-this year we'll go skiing in Austria instead, you know, see something new," one of the women says, wine glass in hand. "It's always Mount Hutt, I'm tired of Mount Hutt!"

"Snow all looks the same, Brenda," her husband spits with an annoyed look on his face. "You just want an excuse to go to Europe and see the hunks over there!"

"Imagine that, sitting on a plane for a day just to see snow when there's perfectly good snow down in New Zealand," some other guy retorts. "Taking those five kids of yours, too!"

Both Brenda's husband and this other guy laugh, but Brenda doesn't seem to be having fun. She sulks and pours herself another glass, keeping her head down.

"What about you, Jess, have any exciting plans for the new year?"

My eyes avert from Brenda and her troubles to the person sitting next to me, I believe her name is Amelia. She has very well-kept long blonde hair that doesn't suit her skin tone but her roots are barely visible still. Her face is somewhat orange, but I guess she pulls it off.

"Oh, I'm just gonna stay here in good old Melbourne," I shrug. "Might pop to Montague Street Bridge to see all the trucks losing their roof." I giggle at my own joke, but Amelia just seems lost, sparing me a pained smile. "I don't think they have Tim Tams in other countries."

"Oh that's not true," Brenda's husband interjects out of nowhere. "I'm pretty sure I've seen them in England!"

The awkward conversation dies down as they continue discussing their lives and I keep to myself, pretending to be very interested in the cranberry juice in my glass, avoiding meeting anyone's gaze lest they strike up more conversation and ask me why I don't just travel to Europe or the US, it's lovely up there, how can I miss out on such fun? It's either that or asking if I'd like to meet this guy they know, he's single too, he's divorced, his wife just died, he's got kids but he's nice, he works in IT. I don't want to meet their friend and I don't want to hear about Paris again, yet I keep getting dragged to my sister's pool parties where someone always asks me what drowning feels like, as if everything is supposed to feel like something else.

"By the way, my kids are taking swimming lessons with this extraordinary instructor," another woman invades my personal space to drunkenly tell me things I didn't ask about. I can't remember her name even though I know I've seen her face a few times. I remember her kid is called Jessica like me. "I hear he does lessons for adults too, he's a doll. I'll give you his card!" She reaches for her purse and pulls out a small rectangular card, very unassuming, with just a name, a phone number and a simple tagline - swimming lessons for all levels and ages.

"That's the most boring business card I've ever seen," I comment out loud, although I should have kept it to myself.

"Well, he's pretty good, just give him a call. Jessica loves him and she's making so much progress so quickly! She might get into the Olympic team at this rate…"

I feign enthusiasm, like this 10-year-old girl having such immense pressure put on her can be any good. I suppose she's growing up in a 5 million dollar home in Toorak, so she'll be fine. I place the card in my pocket and forget about it, deciding that if I'm stuck here in this rich people hell, might as well have a laugh, like when I eavesdrop at the deli section in Coles.

The smell of chlorine makes my head hurt and it takes a minute for me to adjust to the stuffy warm air. I might vomit my heart out with the way it's beating in my throat. My right hand caresses my left elbow, knees trembling, mouth dry. It's hard to focus on a single thing when everything happens so much at the same time - background music, chatter, kids screaming, whistles, splashing, that awful chlorine smell that I can't ignore no matter how hard I try. I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to go, I just stand by the door to the shower room, the swimming cap feels too tight around my head.

"Hey, are you alright?"

The voice that interrupts my anxious contemplation belongs to a short slender man in swim trunks and a tank top who appears behind me.

"Yeah, I'm just looking for my instructor, his name is uhm- Christopher?"

"He's me, I'm Christopher," the young man smiles sheepishly, his small eyes disappearing into his face for a second. "Oh, are you Miss Jessica?"

"She's me, I'm Jessica," I chuckle nervously. "We spoke on the phone."

"We very much did," he agrees, motioning for me to follow him around the Olympic-size swimming pool towards the far end of it. He waves at some other guy, I look politely at him and try to forget that I'm about to really have to get in the water. There's no escape this time, I've paid for my first fifteen lessons and it wasn't particularly cheap either. No refunds, unless caused by provable illness. Is it too late to break a leg…?

"Right, so you mentioned you cannot swim at all," his attention is back on me when we stop walking as we reach the very last lane on the opposite end of the pool. I look over at a storage unit full of various floating devices and wonder if I will be allowed one or two. Or ten. "The first step will be getting you comfortable in the water."

I watch as Christopher removes his thongs and leaves them under the bench then proceeds to lower himself into the pool using the pool ladder. He's got water up to his chest. He's maybe one or two inches taller than I am, so I definitely will be able to stand. It's too late to have a panic attack and run away so all I have left to do is go in. He's right there, the swimming instructor I've been told has several medals and apparently was part of the Australian junior swim team. It's his job to not let me drown. He's not my drunk mother thirty-two years ago who didn't see me slip and fall into the pool while she sipped cocktails.

"Go on, then," he smiles at me the way a proud father smiles at his kid's doodles before leaving them on the kitchen counter to be put up on the refrigerator door later. "See, you can stand."

My sister's friend did mention he seemed to teach mostly children so the slightly condescending tone is probably just an occupational hazard and I can't blame him for being a little bit snooty towards the thirty-something year old lady who's trembling just standing in four feet of water.

"See, it's not that bad," he offers and I can't tell if he's thinking in the back of his mind that I look like an absolute buffoon. He probably is. "So now all I want you to do is walk to me. Just walk," he instructs, making his way towards the middle of the pool, a few steps, stopping once the water reaches his shoulders. "I'm right here."

It's nothing like walking on dry land, I had forgotten what it feels like to be submerged. The water slowly and gently undulates as my legs move, tiny step by tiny step, like a newborn foal immediately forced to learn how to walk within ten minutes of being yeeted out of the womb.

Christopher keeps reassuring me that he's right there and will absolutely not let anything bad happen to me; it's almost more nerve-racking than if he simply stood at the edge of the pool yelling instructions, like the instructor a couple of lanes to our left with a class of about eight teenagers. It's hard to appreciate his seeming kindness when I'm trying so hard to focus on not letting my knees melt into wobbly pudding, each step feeling like a mile long.

He's got water up to his chest, Jessica, you'll be fine.

He's just standing there, the smile eventually fades from his face and he just watches me take slow, careful steps towards him, arms stretched out as if he expects me to tumble over like I did when I was four years old. Shit. I was doing fine without those memories, this is not a good time for the dramatic flashbacks! I stop, taking a deep breath and looking up at the tall ceiling, my vision not focusing on anything in particular, just the way the harsh bright lights illuminate the interior of the swimming complex.

"You good?"

Somehow I've muted all the noises around me, but his voice seems to come from way too close and that's when I realise I either moved without realising or he took a few steps to come meet me halfway because the next thing I know, he's a lot closer to me than I remember him being.

"I-I'm fi-fine?"

I'm not sure I sound convinced, but my head is still out of water and completely dry so I don't think anything happened to me. I look at Christopher again, his eyes seem almost worried but he offers yet another little smile. Do his cheeks not hurt from smiling so much? He already seems very non-threatening with his short and slender build and jovial face, he doesn't need to put so much effort into making himself appear as inoffensive as possible.

"Look back," he says, "you walked all this way!"

There's the condescending tone again like he's talking to one of his six-year-old students. Or maybe I'm just being a bitch to this man for absolutely no reason and he's just trying to be helpful and do his job properly. I've already paid him, either way. Might as well learn to actually swim while I'm at it.

"I sure did-"

"Do you want to try and extend your body? I'll hold your arms." He reaches out again, his pale arms extended towards me. I hold onto his hands, unsure of what exactly I'm supposed to do and how to even do it. Seems easy enough, right? Just extend your body out, like you're lying down in bed, except this isn't a safe comfortable bed, it's a dangerous swimming pool.

"Lift up your legs and kick them back," he instructs, his grip on my hands very strong, as a way to say he won't let go and let me drown. "Try one leg at a time first."

The movement is awfully uncoordinated and lacks any sense of grace, but I do manage to pull my leg back, then the other, then both at the same time, my eyes on Christopher's arms, worried he would let go on accident and leave me to brave the waters on my own. You can stand up, I remind myself. You've got water up to your shoulders.

"Good job," he praises, and I must admit a sense of mild pride washes over me. Yeah, it's a fucking good job! "Stand back up now." I obey, strengthening my grip on his hands, my body feels like it's floating and I can't remember how to get back down. It takes a minute, but I'm eventually standing up again, my hands still in his for a little longer until he finally lets go.

"How are you feeling," he inquiries "bit more confident?"

"I guess," I shrug, very clearly not that confident.

"You'll get there." Another smile. This one feels more earned, though, not as mechanic as before. I doubt his words for a minute before scolding myself. You will get there, it's just swimming, not rocket science. I nod, my knees relaxing subconsciously as I watch him get out of the water using the ladder again, making his way to the storage unit and picking up a couple of accessories he promptly throws in the water before joining me once more in the shallow end of the pool.

"Will these help make you feel safer?"

I nod again, holding onto one of the pool noodles as if I've never seen one before. I never told him my tragic backstory, yet somehow he acts like he knows there's something deeply wrong with me. I wonder if my sister's friend told him something…

"Thanks."

"Right, so the goal for now is to get you to feel confident and safe in the water," he explains, his face serious and stern. "You can have as many noodles as you want and I'm right here, I swear on my PS5 I won't let you get hurt." A little giggle leaves him, like he's making a silly little joke to the little kids he teaches. It's hard to take this man seriously when not only he seems to have never interacted with an adult, but he himself looks almost like a child, small and sweet-looking, like life hasn't yet taught him a lesson. I'm being so judgemental for no reason. This young man is just doing his job and trying to be nice about it. I have to scold myself again for thinking so negatively all the time and wonder if my sister does that too or if she's cured now that she has the perfect life…

"You basically paid me to not let you drown, if that's any consolation." His joke pulls me out of yet another session of inside-my-head rambling. He's trying so hard to be the cool and fun teacher and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm at least ten years older than this wide-eyed pale boy.

"I guess that helps," I shrug, looking at him. "So what now? You throw me off the 10 metre plank and I have to somehow not die?" He laughs, his little eyes completely disappearing into his face and becoming crescent moons. He has dimples.

"Yeah, let's go," he jokes again. "No, we take it as slow as we need to. The goal is to not scare you any further."

"I'm not scared!"

"Yeah, that's why you were shaking coming down the ladder and holding on to me like that just now," he snarkily comments right before becoming apologetic. "I-I'm sorry, that was inappropriate."

"Don't worry, doll," I shrug, still holding on to the pool noodle, standing near the edge of the pool.

"Well, anyway, let's practice some more." His demeanour is back to the overly-friendly one from a few seconds before as he passes me another pool noodle, instructing me to loop it around my stomach. He holds out another noodle, one hand near each end, keeping it straight. "Hold on to this and look at me."

I do as he says, placing my hands next to his and facing him dead-on. "Now let's try to kick your legs back again, just like before." The noodle naturally doesn't feel as sturdy as Christopher's hands on mine, and the one on my belly almost pressures my body upwards and I have to actively force my torso down. My hands almost want to slide closer to his, to feel someone's skin on mine rather than polyethylene foam would make me feel a little more secure, but he's right there. He's literally a foot away from me, his feet firmly pressed on the tile. He won't let me drown. He wouldn't.

"It's okay, I'm literally right here," he reassures again, that damned smile that he just can't avoid but flash every damn minute. I wonder if he's always like this or maybe he's secretly a dick outside his lessons. Maybe he even voted One Nation.

Hands firmly on the pool noodle, I kick my legs back, slowly, immediately feeling the tension in my belly releasing. "You don't have to be so tense, you know." I feel light headed again, my eyes fixated on his but not focusing or registering what I'm looking at.

"Let's breathe slowly okay," his voice lowers an octave and catches me off guard. "Breathe in through your nose. One. Two. Three. Four. Five." He's breathing in too, still looking into my eyes, and it almost feels uncomfortable. I can't remember the last time I really looked at someone for so long, especially what is essentially a stranger. "Good, now breathe out through your mouth, slowly." He counts to five again, just as slowly as before and it feels like I have never breathed before in my life.

"I've got you," he reassures once more, of course he has a smile on his face and I can't really tell if it's sincere or not because my head is spinning and it's hard to focus on anything. "I'm gonna let go of the noodle, okay? But I'm right here."

"Please don't," I beg, my hands sliding closer to his until they're slightly touching.

"That's alright," he replies. "Okay, no problem, I won't let go."

I breathe out a relieved sigh as his hands come to hold mine once more, and I feel a sudden urge to cry. It's all too much, too much noise, too much water, too much human contact, all in a day's work.

"We can take it as slow as you need, Jessica."

I nod, this time I actually pay attention to him instead of fixating on a random spot without focusing on anything. His eyes seem sincere. Again, I have to remind myself that he's a professional doing his job and there is absolutely no reason for this man to let me drown or get hurt in any way.

"Take your time."

I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, looking absolutely ridiculous with a pool noodle through my waist, holding on to my much younger swimming instructor like I'm about to drown in four feet of water, that stupid swimming cap so tight around my head it feels like my brain is on the verge of exploding. Next thing I know, I'm standing under the shower trying to remove the cap without pulling all my hair out. The water is a little too hot, but I barely register the way it burns my skin as all the background noise morphs into one giant blob of white noise.

I get dressed, put away my wet swimsuit inside a plastic ziplock bag, dry my hair and apply moisturiser to my face, still unsure of how to feel about this whole thing. I could just quit, money be damned…! No, money do not be damned, it's not like I have a lot of it and I can't afford to just toss it away like that. I- I could just- No! I'm going to finish this now. I'm going to book my next lesson and stick to this, it can't be that hard. My nephews can swim and they're kids. That Jessica girl is training to join the goddamn Olympic team and she's like eleven! I can at least learn how to doggy-swim if anything, right? Right…?

To be continued...

#neverendingdreams #bang chan x you #bang chan x reader #bang chan #skz #stray kids #bang chan smut #i suck at tagging #pls give feedback

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meimi-haneoka · 1 year

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Clear Card Trivia 1 ~ Literary and musical references/mentions in Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

Hello everyone! The end of the Clear Card manga is very near, so I thought it was about time to start writing the long list of posts I'm going to release in the upcoming months, since it's almost time to wrap everything up and it would be nice to look back and not only analyze the plot but also trivia and themes/topics discussed (openly or not) in these almost 7 years of serialization of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Arc.

Today we talk about the several literary and musical references spread across the different CCS Clear Card media. The references are quite a lot and I find it so very fitting for a story that features books so much, both under a positive and negative light. Books have a life-saving role, being the only thing young Akiho could cling to, to survive mentally till the arrival of Kaito in her life and the subsequent removal from her abusive family, but for a twist of fate, a spell under the guise of a book is also what was about to destroy her soul forever when said book got filled up with magic. The very first time Akiho's inner book gets set off is precisely in Fujitaka's library. Moreover, a fictional world existing into a forbidden book called Alice in Clockland is also where Kaito sends everyone in the climax of the story. In that fictional world, it is said that books record the memories and feelings of people. And after recording them, that same book can rewrite them. Books are literally an essential element of the plot of Clear Card Arc.

In my list I will take in consideration both the anime and the manga, with a special section for the now-defunct Happiness Memories mobile game! The references are ordered basing on their impact or importance within the plot, and include all the info we have till chapter 72. I might update this post if we get more literary references in the very last chapters of the arc. I will probably not be able to talk in depth about all the possible double meanings and connections of these stories to the real Clear Card plot, as I haven't read most of these books or I'm still in the process of reading them, but I have looked at summaries on Wikipedia, so hopefully I'll be able to feature at least a part of the interesting connections. Anyone who knows these stories or songs in depth is welcome to give more insight!

Soooo, ready to dive in?

1) Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There / Lewis Carrol

Of course the first reference featured in this list couldn't be other than this one! The whole Clear Card arc is heavily based on the Alice In Wonderland narrative, but particularly in the sequel "Through the Looking-Glass". The very first mentions of "Alice-related" stuff is as early as chapter 12, when Sakura and Tomoyo visit Akiho's home and they check out her huge library: here Akiho shows them her book "Alice in Clockland" for the first time. Tomoyo spots the resemblance with the title of the best-known novel, but Akiho says that the book she's holding wasn't written by the author of Alice in Wonderland, and although the language it's written in is composed by runes, she was taught how to read it. Later on we discover that the more she progresses reading this book, the more it gets connected to recurring dreams she's having, with an "Alice" as the main character who experiences all sorts of adventures (unbeknownst to her, she's dreaming about Sakura's adventures with the Clear Cards). Akiho sometimes shares these dreams with Kaito and he always listens attentively, commenting that it'd be good if Alice acquired "more and more skills". We also see Rika (through Sakura) giving away to Akiho one of her Alice picture books, and the girl is definitely thrilled and moved by the kind gesture of who is basically a stranger to her.

Moreover, in chapter 38 & 39, Kaito shrinks Sakura in order to prompt her to create a Card, and sends her down a hole carved in a tree, calling her "Alice". Sakura also created the Shade card supposedly basing it on the Jabberwock featured in Through The Looking Glass. The whole situation prompts Kaito to remember about his first face-to-face meeting with Akiho, which he says happened in a garden fit for Alice in Wonderland. The whole scenery Sakura witnesses in the strange world she's sent to is very reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland/Through the looking Glass, with her being so little and the talking flowers. Of course, the biggest reference to Through the Looking Glass is the whole Alice in Clockland play, in its first version based on Akiho's beloved book with the same title (Naoko initially called the play "The Two Alice", but then decided to change it at last minute, in a twist of fate). Both "before" and "after" the rewriting of memories operated by Momo's book, we not only have an Alice in this story, but also a Cat (which will have a key role) and a Red Queen. Another notable similarity is how Alice, in Through the Looking Glass, crosses "the wood where things have no names", forgetting her own name for a short time while crossing that forest in the company of a fawn. In Alice in Clockland, the Red Queen completely forgot her name once she entered Clockland, in both versions of the play, before and after the rewriting. Akiho/Red Queen regains her memories by lifting the dark veil covering her face, while Sakura/Red Queen regains her memories thanks to Alice telling her the truth about what happened.

Furthermore, the fact that later in the climax Sakura and Akiho are turned into twins by the forbidden magic activated by Kaito might be considered a reference to the famous twins Tweedledum and Tweedledee (although, that's also commonly known as one of CLAMP's obsessions 😂). One more reference is represented by the White Queen in Through the Looking Glass, who can remember events that will happen in the future, and while Sakura can do that herself to a certain degree, certainly this character is better represented by Lilie, Akiho's mother, who could see so much of the future ahead and tried to reach Sakura in her dreams to inform her of an important truth. It is also to be noted that the White Queen's daughter in Through the Looking Glass is named.....Lily.

2) Ten Nights of Dreams (夢十夜) / Natsume Sōseki

"Ten Nights of Dreams" is a collection of short pieces by Japanese novelist Natsume Soseki, where he narrates 10 mysterious dreams set in various time periods, including his own. The book gets featured for the first time in chapter 10 / volume 3 of the manga, and episode n. 6 of the anime. In this scene, Sakura and Akiho are each reading a portion from the 7th dream, the one where the dreamer finds himself on a ship, among strangers, not knowing where the ship is headed to or when he'll see land again. The tone of this dream, like the rest of them, is pretty dark, as the dreamer is extremely discouraged and decides to throw himself into the sea, regretting it when it's already too late. This book gets directly mentioned again in chapter 58 of the manga, when Naoko reflects on the fact that even the tenth night told in the collection is a dream, because there's no point where the storyteller wakes up. This leads her to think how scary it would be to have a dream you can't wake up from, and this will become for her one of the sources of inspiration for the scenario of the school play. When the teacher talked about this book to her students back in chapter 10, she stated "this collection features plenty of mysterious stories, but depending on the person, they could also be considered 'scary' ". I feel like this is exactly how Clear Card Arc could be described too, especially from the POV of the Japanese readers, that I've witnessed these past couple of years on social media. I wonder if this wasn't a way for CLAMP to tip the readers off regarding the thematics and tone that Clear Card would take halfway through. Moreover, the teacher mentions "foretelling dreams" in relation to this book, and that prompts Sakura to consider if the dream she's constantly seeing with the Mysterious Cloaked Figure could be a foretelling dream too.

3) Momo / Michael Ende

"Momo" is a fantasy novel written by German writer Michael Ende (the same of The Neverending Story), and it gets featured in chapter 39 of Clear Card, while Kaito is having a flashback of his first face-to-face meeting with Akiho. At the moment of Kaito's arrival in the rose garden, Akiho was reading a book, and when she's asked about its content by Kaito himself, the girl tells him of a story that is unequivocally that of "Momo": a little girl battles some so-called "time thieves". Akiho seems to love that story, as she has read it many times.

Although it might seem just an easter egg at the level of the Cthulhu books that I will mention later, the presence of the "Momo" novel here is completely different and very significant to the main story of Clear Card. First of all, its complete German title translates in English to "Momo, or the strange story of the time-thieves and the child who brought the stolen time back to the people". As we all know, this sequel of the Cardcaptor Sakura series deals heavily with the theme of time, and Kaito is strictly related to that theme, as he's the major "player" of that element, using magic to stop it or especially to rewind it. In "Momo", the "time-thieves" (also called Men in Grey) are some kind of paranormal parasites with the goal of stealing the time of humans. They appear to people offering to save their time in some so-called "Timesaving Banks", urging them to spare time by dropping any activity that supposedly "wastes time" like relaxing, playing, enjoying things, with the goal of having that time returned back with interests later. But that time saved in the bank is actually stolen and consumed by the Men in Grey for their own survival. Human feelings such as love are a hindrance for them, and they avoid at all costs to form any bond with anyone. Momo is a mysterious little girl, beloved by everyone in her town as she seems to be able to solve anyone's problems or afflictions just by listening and talking to them. She will eventually take on the task of defeating the Men in Grey. Ende's novel is a critique to consumerism in the modern society and how hectic our lives have become, where time is everything and we often never use it for what really matters the most: making us happy. Momo was published in 1973 but its thematics are super relevant even today.

Aside from the easy connection of the topic of time to what Kaito does (although in a more benign way, in our case), "Momo" is also how Akiho chose to name her beloved bunny plushie, who, unbeknownst to her, is actually the magical Guardian of the Book of Time. We don't know when exactly that naming happened, as of chapter 72, but the fact that one of the most treasured and beloved existences in Akiho's life was named "Momo" - the same as the title of the book Akiho was reading when she met Kaito for the first time - suggests hitsuzen is strongly at work here. Akiho might have named Momo after she met Kaito, and to show how important that meeting was to her, she chose to name her after an element that was strictly connected to that meeting. And if she named her so before meeting Kaito, then it shows just how fateful their meeting was. She named one important existence after a beloved book, and precisely when she was reading that same book, she had her first meeting with another important person in her life. The one she will love the most.

It is also to be noted that in "Momo", the time is consumed by the Men in Grey in the form of smoking cigars made out of dried hour-lilies' petals, which are pink flowers representing time itself. Again, a feature of lily flowers, which connects us once more to Lilie.

Depending on how Clear Card will end, and whether Sakura will be able to regain all the memories and the time lost with them, beating the Forbidden Magic activated by Kaito, we might even draw another reference - how Ende's Momo is able to give the stolen time back to the people of her town.

4) "Tsuki ga kirei desu ne" (月が綺麗ですね) / Natsume Sōseki + "Kaze no nai yoru ga boku wo semetogameru" (風のない夜が僕を責めとがめる) / SPARKS GO GO

In chapter 48 of the manga, Akiho, unable to sleep after waking up from an unsettling dream, heads to the garden of her home in the middle of the night. And there surprisingly she finds Kaito, also awake and staring intently at the full moon. In a magical and emotional scene, illuminated by the full moon and prompted by feelings of worry for Kaito's pale complexion - too pale for his own good, Akiho tells him "Can we talk a little bit longer? Because...the moon is really beautiful".

At first, these can seem totally normal words of admiration for the full moon illuminating the two. But actually in this scene, Akiho has just covertly confessed to Kaito that she loves him. Many of you probably already know, but in Japan there's a little story that takes us back again to the famous novelist Natsume Soseki who seems to influence Clear Card so much (he'll get another mention later in this post). There's no actual written evidence of this, so Japanese people tend to consider this as some folklore tale, but when Soseki worked as an English teacher, he allegedly corrected one of his students who translated too literally the English phrase "I love you" in Japanese. He supposedly said "that's too direct, Japanese people don't express such phrase so directly. You should use 月が綺麗ですね (tsuki ga kirei desu ne, 'The moon is beautiful, right?') instead". And that's how the myth of expressing "I love you" in Japanese with "the moon is beautiful, right?" was born. It is very poetic, romantic and subtle so there's no doubt its popularity is really high and used in all kinds of media even today. And, I have to say, it fits romantic, shy and bookworm Akiho to a T. But how can we be sure that Akiho was really-really meaning that? It's because of the quotation marks on the original Japanese script. Akiho was deliberately quoting a source. And her face right afterwards, eyes cast down and red as a tomato, is the final proof of her intention. We still don't know, 24 chapters later, if Kaito's surprised face meant he understood what she was secretly meaning, or not.

However, I have a second source for this particular line from Akiho. One day I was searching on the internet, wanting to know more about this popular phrase, exactly as she worded it (it's slightly different from the classic one) and I stumbled upon the song "Kaze ga nai yoru ga boku wo seme togameru" (The windless night is reproving me) by Sparks Go Go. It's a love song from 1993, and the very first verse features the very same line Akiho said, worded exactly as she did. When I started to translate the lyrics, I was shocked. The lyrics actually fit perfectly the scene in the garden under the moonlight and what was going on between Kaito and Akiho in that moment, so much that it really makes me wonder if Ohkawa wasn't trying to make a double reference here:

Since the moon is beautiful I'll invite you for a stroll outside Tonight it's a bit chilly So wear one more layer of clothing I'm stammering And for some reason I suddenly realize All the feelings I've kept inside till now The windless night is reproving me Even though you're telling me A funny thing that happened to you today Tonight it's a bit different than usual My heart is twinkling Our footsteps echo softly As if I'm about to realize something All the feelings I've kept inside till now The windless night is reproving me The windless night is gently inviting me

As you can see, it's almost a precise description of that scene, with the mention of the stroll at night under the moonlight, the talk and the hidden feelings that are being conveyed in that moment.

I'll conclude this paragraph with something that I usually always mention when I tell people about the "moon is beautiful" 's hidden meaning in relation to Clear Card's storyline, because I think it's highly related. There are several ways to respond "I love you too" to a love confession made in that fashion. And one of the most popular ones that gets associated so much to this phrase (despite not coming from the same author but actually another one, Japanese novelist Shimei Futabatei who lived in the same period of Soseki) is 死んでもいいわ (shinde mo ii wa), which literally translates in English to "I can die happy" or "I can die for you" (you already know where I'm going with this one, right?). Apparently, Futabatei decided to translate in Japanese as shinde mo ii wa the Russian word Ваша present in a passage of the book "Asya" by Ivan S. Turgenev. The word Ваша actually literally translates in English as "yours", and the scene showed a woman deeply committing to her love, but since this is the same period as Soseki, the Japanese novelist used an indirect way to express it. I've read that the choice of shinde mo ii wa is tightly connected to the context of the original story, where a woman of low social status (an illegitimate daughter of a Russian landowner) and a man of higher class fell in love, but kept it hidden for most of the story. Back in those times, such relationship was frowned upon by society and so, indulging in that love could also be seen as the death of someone's life in society. In that sense, that "I would die for you" expresses the spirit of abnegation and complete dedication that such profound love inspires. Now, back to Clear Card, consider who's literally sacrificing himself for Akiho, and draw your conclusions.......

5) Liber Ivonis, Celaeno Fragments / H. P. Lovecraft & August Derleth

When Akiho visits Sakura's home in ch. 26 in order to learn how to cook from her, Sakura also brings her to visit her father's small library. In a very excited way, Akiho recognizes some books of her interest and she asks Sakura if she can take them. Those books are, in order of appearance, "Liber Ivonis" and "Celaeno Fragments" (there's a small typo on the book's title, due to the ambivalence of R/L in Japanese) which are two books featured in the Cthulhu Mythos created by US writer H. P. Lovecraft. Both books seems to be grimoires about occult topics and dark magic spells. It is very likely that the two books are merely easter eggs (they had no influence whatsoever on the plot) or a covertly way from CLAMP to let us know that Akiho was acquainted with magical books.

6) Buying Mittens (手袋を買いに) / Nankichi Niimi

"Buying Mittens" from Japanese author Nankichi Niimi is the book Sakura and Akiho are asked to read to the children of the hospital in episode 19 of the Clear Card anime. The story features a baby fox going on a journey to a nearby village to buy mittens to warm its cold paws in the rigid snowy winter. The story revolves around the themes of trust in other human beings. Although the mother fox advised her little one to be careful of human beings, because if they found out it was a fox, something terrible would've happened, the little fox actually finds out humans are not all the same, and the human being selling the mittens wasn't actually harmful at all.

See, when this episode was released in May 2018, I remember it got a lot of criticism for being a "wasted episode" and not bringing the plot forward at all. But I had already understood back then that this was actually a very symbolic episode for one of the major thematics of Clear Card, which would've shown its full importance only later on the story: how much we can trust other people, especially when we don't know them and they are having seemingly hostile behaviors. I knew the anime staff chose to feature this book for a precise reason. With hindsight, from the manga storyline POV, this is absolutely connecting to how Sakura had her trust tested multiple times in the entire arc, not only towards Kaito who had the most ambiguous behaviors, but also her loved ones, starting from Syaoran himself - who stole her cards in the very beginning and even lied to her, hiding an important truth for her sake; but also Yukito, for a moment, when he activated the Moon barrier all of a sudden, scaring even Kero and Suppi; or how inevitably Sakura's trust in Akiho was also put under pressure once she found out that Kaito was a magician and so inevitably she had to question the reliability of a person very close to him. Trust, trust in your beloved people and even more deciding to trust someone you don't know well is of utmost importance in this arc. If Kaito the magician is, in Buying Mittens, the human known for hurting and hunting and killing foxes, Sakura is the little fox who has to make the important decision of whether she can trust him or not, especially when she's in a moment of vulnerability (in the story the little fox shows the fox paw instead of the human hand to the hatter, who recognizes it as a fox but actually doesn't hurt it at all).

When Sakura found out about Kaito being a magician, she made a careful and delicate decision: she decided to trust Akiho and indirectly to trust Kaito too, avoiding to jump to conclusions and to ruin Akiho and Kaito's relationship by questioning her friend about Kaito's nature. And despite acting in shady ways for the entire arc, and sometimes being just misunderstood - leading everyone to believe he intended to hurt Sakura, in the end we found out that none of that has ever been Kaito's intention from the very beginning.

As repeatedly told by Nanase Ohkawa of CLAMP in Twitter Spaces, Sakura trusts her loved ones, and that actually represents her strength to believe that she will always be ok and everything will eventually be alright.

At the end of the Buying Mittens story, on its way back to his mother, the little fox hears a human mother singing a lullaby to her baby, and the fox draws a parallel to its own mother. Thanks to that, while being cuddled by the mother fox later, the baby fox says "maybe humans are good, after all". Motherhood and mother's love is definitely another thematic common to Clear Card and Buying Mittens, but also finding something that wholesome in common between the two species (humans and foxes) is the key to trust that there can be something good to be found even in "the other" that seems so scary and oppositive in the beginning. I'm certain that will also be a huge theme that will lead Sakura to help Akiho and Kaito in the very end of this climax.

7) Night on The Galactic Railroad / Kenji Miyazawa

"Night on The Galactic Railroad" is the title of the book Yukito is reading to the children of the hospital in episode 19 of the Clear Card anime.

8) "Oborozukiyo" (朧月夜)

"Oborozukiyo" is a Japanese folk song that gets featured in chapter 9 of the manga and episode 6 of the anime. Tomoyo and Akiho sing together this song in 2 different occasions between manga and anime: in the manga they sing it at the hanami in front of group of school friends, while in the anime it is a song that Tomoyo suggests to Akiho to sing together, and at the end of the performance she offers Akiho to join the choir later. The song is also featured in the Clear Card soundtrack album.

9) Special references appearing in the mobile game Happiness Memories:

Botchan / Natsume Sōseki

Natsume Soseki gets mentioned again in the Happiness Memories game when Akiho, in one of the photostories (the one focused on the study of English, with Syaoran reiterating his love to Sakura in English without her knowing what he meant ❤️) tells Sakura she's looking for the English version of some books, namely Night On The Galactic Railroad by Kenji Miyazawa (already mentioned above) and Botchan by Natsume Soseki. Apparently, Kaito suggested her to find those books and read them in English, since she's still having some difficulties with Japanese language. Akiho doesn't initially remember the titles of those books, so Syaoran intervenes and tries to help.

The Wandering Lake / Sven Hedin

"The Wandering Lake" is a book written by swedish geographer Sven Hedin. This one gets seemingly mentioned during one of the photostories set during the old anime arcs, where Syaoran gets invited to the Kinomoto home and bakes a cake with Fujitaka and Sakura (I don't really know much of the details because I never got this card 💦) While they wait for it to bake, Fujitaka and Syaoran talk about their favorite subject, archeology! And Fujitaka apparently makes references to this book (he supposedly mentions the lake name, Lop Nur) while explaining his love for archeology.

And I believe that's all for this first installment of "Clear Card Trivia"!! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe that it surprised you too, for some reference that you didn't catch before today! My love for this story is infinite, for all the reading "layers" it provides us with, and one of those is composed by all the literary references featured in it, since books are really so important in this arc. Knowing all these little quotes and references makes me appreciate CLAMP's efforts to build this arc as something deeper and more meaningful.

As I said in the beginning, I intend to update this post in case something else comes up in the handful of chapters that are left! See you next time, what will I feature? I have looooots I want to talk about!!

#card captor sakura #cardcaptor sakura #ccsakura #clear card arc #sakura card captor #clear card trivia #<- this will be the designated tag for this series of posts!

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jfleamont · 1 year

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What do u think james would have been like as a father

Oh boy, here we go.

Anon, this might be my favourite ask ever. Ever, do you hear me? So take a seat because this is going to be a long one.

It goes without saying that he would have been incredible, yes, but in what way?

(Under the cut because it got too long)

I don't think Harry was planned, purely because of the war. If it hadn't been for that, I think he would have still wanted to be a dad, without a doubt, and a young one at that: being raised by elderly parents probably made him realise that he was luckier than his parents, because they never got to see him grow up, grow old. Little did he know...

James adored being a young dad. He loved the fun bits and the ugly bits. Harry helped him become the man he was destined to be. In the 15 months they shared together (don't worry I'll answer your question in a moment), James was forced to learn some hard truths and make tough decisions. I've always seen him as someone who had a 'black and white' mindset when it comes to right or wrong: it was simple for him, and he couldn't really understand why people did bad things when they knew they were wrong. Well, he knew why, but it only started making sense when he became a father, because suddenly he realised how much he had underestimated the privilege of being able to choose. Having a kid during a war took a toll on him and changed him, because now he was forced to decide whether he was a father first or a soldier. And it was a choice he had to make every day.

He also had to choose what kind of father he was going to be. The kind who comes back from a mission and drinks himself into oblivion, or the one who goes straight to his wife and son and despite being bone-tired and with muscles that ache at every step, he's there for them with a smile on his face. And don't get me wrong, I do believe he did get drunk and felt utterly defeated sometimes. He could have done that and he knew no one would have judged him for it, but he couldn't let the bad days outnumber the good ones.

Let's pretend nothing bad happened on Halloween 1981, and that Voldemort died and everyone got their happy ending:

James is the kind of dad who has long conversations with his babbling two year old, where he pretends to talk about politics and books and Quidditch without using baby voices.

He does use baby voices sometimes, though. Mainly when Harry won't eat his peas or when James has to change his nappy (honestly I hope wizards use them, otherwise the poor babies just have to sit in their poop until someone vanishes it). He does impressions of all his Hogwarts professors, but Harry's favourite is Filch, he laughs so much he makes James laugh too.

He sings 'Beautiful Boy' when Harry can't fall asleep, a smile painted on his face, and when Harry's brows start to relax he whispers the rest of the lyrics, brushing his hair until his eyes close and his breath becomes even (credits to this post for the headcanon).

He's an extremely concerned toddler parent, because Harry learns to run first and walk second. The little boy hates hats, and he always comes back from his walks with his hair all tangled and with leaves in it (yes, Harry dives into leaf piles before his parents can stop him). James, heartbroken, takes a bottle of Sleekeazy's and pours the product on Harry's hair, apologising the whole time.

He watches him play and talk to his toys for Merlin knows how long, hypnotised by his brilliant son.

When Harry accidentally makes Sirius' pancake float towards his plate, James picks up his son and starts dancing with him around the kitchen, singing a made up song that Sirius will mock him for every time he has the chance. By noon, James has not only decided he's going to throw a party in honour of Harry's first accidental magic, he's also decided the menu and planned every activity. He invites Fabian and Gideon and asks to bring their nephews too because the more the merrier, and that's how Ron becomes Harry's best friend.

I also thinks James would absolutely love to have a big family, so in my headcanon Harry has at least a couple of siblings. Imagine being surrounded by all those Potters... A dream for some (James) a nightmare for others (probably Petunia, who is straight up horrified the one time she pays them a visit).

James teaches Harry to fly, reads him stories every night and they even have movie nights every Wednesday, even the day after a full moon, where James falls asleep on the sofa as they watch Star Wars, and Harry goes out like a light shortly after him, head on his chest, drooling on James' shirt.

But most of all, James listens. He truly listens. He makes sure Harry never doubts his worth. He's the kind of dad who isn't afraid to show his emotions, and probably cries as Harry boards the Hogwarts Express for the first time.

When Harry gets in trouble at school for the first time, James realises that lecturing him is not that different from when he had to give out detentions as Head Boy... Except that it is, because when James has to tell him that it's wrong to put Padfoot's hairs in Malfoy's potion, Harry asks him why, and he tilts his head exactly like Lily does when she challenges him, and this kid has her eyes and James' knowing smile, but he's also clever in a way James and Lily are not, and James doesn't know what to do with this information.

Honestly, I have so many more headcanons and if I had to write all of them this post would never see the light of day, so I'll stop here and maybe I'll make a part two, who knows.

In conclusion, this James isn't a perfect dad, but he's a wonderful one. He might be too strict sometimes, and other times too lenient; he might disagree with Harry on some things, and they might fight and raise their voices. But James does everything in his power not to make Harry go to sleep angry or sad, and if it does happen, he makes sure to wake him up with a kiss on his forehead and a hug. Or maybe lots of hugs, because James is a very affectionate dad. With his parents in his life, Harry doesn't doubt for one moment that he's not worthy of being loved.

#I did cry a bit towards the end as I wrote it #I stopped because I didn't want to make it too sad #maybe part 2 (if I ever write it) will be sadder #james potter #harry potter #marauders #lily evans #jily #jple #jfleamont rambles #asks

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apomaro-mellow · 1 year

Text

Part 1

Steve was at least given the privilege of cleaning himself up and dressing before being brought before his father in his study.

"I thought I made it abundantly clear-"

"But I didn't go out in a ship", Steve said, quick to defend himself.

"Diving into rocks isn't what I would call a grand back up plan either!"

"I know how it looks, but-" SLAM

Steve stopped when his father's hand came down onto his desk and couldn't help but flinch.

"No, you don't know how it looks. To have the crown prince, first shirking his duties to go out to sea and then nearly drowning before the sun even rises. What it looks like is either you're trying to run away or end your life."

Steve shook his head but didn't speak. It wasn't either of those things. But how could he say what it really was? His father would have him locked up for trying to make contact with a sea creature.

"I've been too lenient. Given you too much freedom. Starting today, your studies and training will increase. And I will be attending as much as I can."

Well, that part didn't sound too bad...

"And you are to never go near that ocean again."

"That's-! How am I supposed to never go back?! We literally live on the shore."

"Those are my orders. You are dismissed."

"Father!"

"I said dismissed!"

Steve's fists clenched and he stood there for a moment, shaking, before bolting out. He slammed the door once he got to his room and flung himself onto the bed. Keeping him from something so close was a tall order, but he believed his father was capable of it. He was the king after all. He'd probably sooner shackle Steve to the bed then let him near a puddle now.

Through his sobs into his pillow, he almost didn't hear it. But there was an audible hissing nearby. He looked up to find he wasn't alone. There were two rather large snakes, coiling up in the middle of the room. Steve quickly grabbed the dagger under his pillow, ready to fight when the snakes began to speak in tandem.

"Don't act so brassshhh."

"We have come with a proposition from our massster."

"A....a what? Who is your master?", Steve asked, dagger still raised.

"He'sss been watching you and sympathizesss."

"He wants to help."

"It's what he doesss."

Steve was skeptical, but he was also running low on options. Even if his father let up, going to the ocean by boat or by cliff hadn't gotten him any closer to finding the owner of the voice.

"Okay, I'll meet with them and see what they have to say. Where are they?"

"Follow ussss."

They slithered through the room and towards the window that Steve realized was now open. They went out and down and when Steve looked out, he saw the vines that covered this side of the castle had grown thicker and more sturdy. Enough for him to climb down and follow the snakes. They took him through the thick of the wood, so dense that sunlight got weaker and weaker.

The snakes led him to a gave with red gemstones embedded into the walls, giving it a bright glow in the darkness. The light from the stones seemed to beat like heart.

Steve entered, but kept from touching them. They looked sharp as knives. They got to an opening at the cave that widened into what appeared to be a living space. And also a center for witchcraft. Steve saw someone moving about on the other side of the room, a clawed hand running across the spines of books on a shelf.

"Uh", Steve cleared his throat. "Hello? I-I was told that you could help me with my problem."

"Yes", the person turned to reveal a nose-less face. Strange vines, or where they tentacles? protruded from them. And Steve realized there were odd, moving vines all around. "Ah, the prince with the ocean obsession."

"It's not the ocean, really. It's-"

"The merman with the hypnotizing voice."

"Yes! But how did you-"

"It's my job to know. People have come from all corners of the world, pleading 'Vecna, I need this', or 'Vecna, I want a spell for this'. I'm very much a charity."

"So, you'll help me?"

Vecna moved around the room, grabbing various things with his vines as he did. "I will."

....."How?"

"You want to find him, don't you? I will give you a spell that will turn you into a merman for three days." Vecna began pouring the ingredients he had into a large cauldron in the middle of the room.

Three days didn't sound like a lot, but Steve was sure he'd know them as soon as he heard him speak. "Alright. Deal."

"Not quite. We need to discuss your payment."

Steve crossed his arms. "You said you were a charity."

"You can't get something for nothing."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Okay, what do you want?" As a prince, he had a little money to burn. And he'd pay any amount to meet his mystery guy.

He didn't feel the vines creeping up on him until he felt something tickling his ears. He cringed and slapped them away.

"Those."

"My ears."

"I require no flesh. What I want in exchange for my magic is your hearing."

Steve touched his ears. "But if I can't hear, how can I find him?"

"He's seen you, hasn't he? After he saved you? Let him find you. And true love is the strongest force in the world. I daresay you could find him deaf and blind. But I'm only asking for one sense. You find him, he confesses his love, and then you two can live out the rest of your lives in bliss."

It all sounded too good to be true. Which was what had Steve still hesitating.

"What happens in three days if I don't find him?"

Vecna pretended to look for another ingredient to toss in so that he could hide his expression from Steve. "If you don't, then you become one of my treasures. Vecna's claws made a clinking sound against the gems on the wall and then Steve understood why it seemed like they were beating like hearts. They were souls. Ones that couldn't come up with whatever sum was needed and paid with their lives.

If Steve didn't succeed, he would become one of them. But if he gave up now, that was all he would be in essence anyway. A shiny jewel in his father's crown. Even if he would be working against time and without the one sense he was sure of, he had to try.

So he nodded. And held out his hand for Vecna to shake. He swooped across the room like a shadow and grasped Steve's hand, then wrapped his vines around his body. It was a horrible sensation but Steve fought his instincts not to struggle. He was brought closer to the cauldron, bubbling and filling the room with a green vapor.

"I want you to focus on his song", Vecna said. "On the sound of his voice."

That wasn't hard to do. Even with leagues of water separating them, it had sounded beautiful. Last night when he heard them above water, it had been the sweetest sound. He closed his eyes and let himself get lost in it. When he opened it, the caludron looked seconds from exploding and Vecna was grinning, and all the vines around were slithering in excitement but he couldn't hear any bit of it.

As jarring as that was, what was happening below his waist was even more shocking. He only had time to see his pants begin to rip and the start of his legs fusing before the cauldron reached its tipping point and exploded. Steve himself was thrust into the air and he was afraid of hitting the roof of the cave. But he kept going higher and higher, through the trees until he was above even them.

And there it was. A mer's tail, in shimmering blue. He had but a moment to admire it when he felt himself fall back towards the ground. He had been shot right above the ocean and while it wasn't as bad as hitting rock, falling from that height had shocked his system.

He knew he had reached the ocean floor; could feel the sand under him. But he didn't fully come to until he felt someone strongly nudging him. He blinked his eyes only to come face to face with the most handsome man he had ever seen.

Part 3

#apo writes #stranger things #fanfiction #steddie #reverse little mermaid

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conkers-thecosy · 21 days

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I liked the first chapter of your original story! Are you going to publish one day? I would read books written by you.

Hullo! 💛

Thank you so much, that's so kind of you!! I was very nervous to post it honestly, and folks have been so nice about it, it's meant so much to me. I have so many ideas for stories in my head but this one has been tickling me for a while, haha! I probably won't publish in the traditional fashion now, no. It's not a good fit for me, honestly. I can't deal with all the expectations that come with it - all the "you must post on social media every day" and "You must be on all the platforms" and "you must have X amount of followers" and "You must have a blog and update it twice a week" etc, etc... It's not for me.

I'm probably going to make a Patreon, though. I'll just do a free tier to read chapters, then maybe a low cost tier to read chapters early, then maybe a paperback copy of each book as a reward when it's finished. There's the possibility of self-pub after that because at least then it's on my own terms, but honesty? It's a long way off.

I'm having fun writing fic at the moment, and I have at least 3 of those still ahead of me before I can dive back into original work again. We shall see!! Either way, I really do appreciate your interest! I'm sure when I get to the point that I decide to focus back fully on my original works, you guys will be sick of hearing about it, haha! Thank you for the ask! ~Conkers 🌰

#ask #anon ask #anon is on - come talk to me!#all's fair

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perpetualexistence · 2 months

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Sea Monster AU: Poor Unfortunate Soul (2/2)

youtube

(Why this cover in particular? Mainly because the thumbnail is cool. Also, annapatsu's covers always slap without fail.)

So! It's been a while! Partially because this chapter ended up longer than anticipated. Partially because I got distracted with other AUs because the ADHD mind takes me where it wants to take me. I think it's just going to be safer to not have a set schedule for when these come out because that's apparently just not how my brain wants to work. But I could never forget about this AU! Bit by bit, it will get done, as you can see here!

But here we are! Welcome back to Noah making drastic life choices because Alejandro is a toxic manipulative bastard. Drastic enough to warrant more content warnings.

Content warnings: Murder, cannibalism, toxic relationship, body horror

Once more, the asterisks return for the most gruesome bits. I've got a safer summary of what happens in the asterisks at the bottom.

If you ever think I need more content warnings, please do let me know and I'll add them immediately.

Without further ado, time to dive into Noah's further exploration into magic!

<- Prev | First | Next (Soon) ->

With gills, Noah can now begin with proper magic. There's the spell that would make Alejandro smaller that he still needs to find in his book. There's also the problem of needing a back up plan. If he fails to shrink Alejandro, then Alejandro will kill him. He won't be able to talk his way out of it. He'll need the ability to fight back.

The book can sense his desire to defend himself. It flips to a page that promises a ritual that will grant his body the ability to do just that. It will even make magic easier to perform. Perfect. His only problem is the lack of details on the outcome. Try as he might, the book always flips back to how to cast the spell, and away from what happens after. Considering what happened the last time he tried to force something out of the book, he decides settling for this spell will be easier. The book throws him a bone with mention that this won't be as permanent as the gills, so that's something.

Noah's reading through the list of things he needs for the ritual. Rune knife, check. A bunch of salt, weird, but whatever. Flesh. At least a whole body's worth. The closer the attachment, the better the results. And to finish it off?

Consume the heart.

Noah's frantically looking at the alternative for flesh. He'd essentially need to alchemically recreate a human being. How many more ships would he have to sacrifice to make that happen? Countless, probably. People are already noticing the disappearances. There's no way he'd get all of this before he and Alejandro get caught. If Alejandro gets caught, people are going to go after him. Innocent people, sailing to their deaths because they have no idea about how Noah's been fighting to keep them off the menu.

So flesh it is. Time to kill a person. It's not like this is anything new. He already killed Chris. Even if that one was in complete self defense. And this one would very much be calculated. It'd be easier if he could just sneak away a corpse from one of Alejandro's feeding frenzies. But Alejandro's his ride there and back. There's no hiding a corpse from him.

So he's going to have to kill this one all on his own. In cold-blood. With his twig arms. At least he semi-knows how to defend himself.

Before he got Chef killed, Chef had insisted on teaching him self defense. Said his scrawny ass would have to worry about people just as much as monsters. Forced him to carry stuff with him. Noah did start noticing a difference, however small. Chef was gruff about it, but he did acknowledge it. All in all, Chef was pretty decent. He wasn't completely unreasonable. Not like Chris. Maybe-

No. Noah can't afford to go down that line of thinking. Chef loved Chris. He'd do anything for that man. Maybe Chef did know the true plan, and was still helping Chris. Even if he didn't, he never would have rested if he was allowed to live. Noah couldn't risk revenge killing. Chef had his uses, and now it'll make this job a bit easier.

He needs to kill someone on land. It has to be someone who deserves it. The closer, the better. Thanks to recent events, there's one person who comes to mind. The loan shark who has been hassling his family for years. He's back in town now, and Noah doubts anyone will miss him. He could use his hacking abilities to try to narrow down his exact location. Still, can't walk into a lion's den. He'll be really lucky to take the loan shark down. More than that? Absolutely not. Noah needs to isolate the loan shark, and have him come to Noah. That's going to require tact Noah doesn't have.

But he knows the perfect teacher.

Alejandro is incredibly pleased when Noah tells him that he wants to learn more about hunting. It seems that any concern about what he had been doing with Chef and Chris get quashed when Noah leans into murder. He has to lie about how it felt to kill Chris. Not as much as he thought he would. Chris had it coming. Noah just has to pretend the anger comes less from how he would have sacrificed the town and more from how he would have brainwashed Alejandro.

It's not like he's really lying about it per se. He would have felt bad to completely steal someone's autonomy away. Even if it had been Alejandro. Still, that doesn't dispel the worm of guilt as he swears he recognizes appreciation and fondness in Alejandro's eyes.

There's a part of him that wants to reciprocate. There is. It's the part of him that remembers that Alejandro is the first person he ever got close to and vulnerable with. That recognizes that their relationship has to be more than that of convenience. Why else would Alejandro insist on learning everything about Noah and hanging out even when not hunting? He gushes over romance novels and is jealous of Noah's dog, for fuck's sake. Neither of those things would obviously make him more endearing to Noah if that was Alejandro's goal. It's why they are so endearing.

Yet here Alejandro is. Gushing over his newfound appreciation for the craft of killing. How the yacht incident is forgiven. Forgiven? Like Noah was the one in the wrong for saying no to Alejandro one time? For having a nice night out with people that weren't Alejandro? My god, it wasn't even about the no, was it? It was that Noah could have a positive interaction with anyone except Alejandro. Enough to prioritize himself over pleasing Alejandro. The eel is possessive, and he got jealous, and innocent people had to die for that.

Noah is an object to Alejandro. A pet, if he's feeling generous. He's made that very clear. Alejandro will accept nothing less. So Noah can't give him that choice. He'll shrink Alejandro, and make him the pet instead.

It's the only way he anyone feel be safe.

So he plays up the monstrous version of himself that Alejandro wants. It's easier than it should be. Good. That makes it more believable. He uses the fact that his relationship with the loan shark is personal to excuse wanting to do the kill and take care of the body himself. He never outright says it, but he implies Alejandro as an inspiration for his change in tune.

He takes solace in the fact that all of this is still a lie. It has to be.

He gets in touch with the loan shark through nicking his mother's phone. Not one of his prouder moments, but that ship has sailed, sunk, and rotted away long ago. With the added guile he's learned from Alejandro, he's able to trick the loan shark into coming to a place near Chris's beach house. He's going to pay off the rest of the debt in person to make sure they don't have to do this ever again.

Noah is going to bring a suitcase full of cash that he's saved up from selling off his stolen goods. He needs a reason for the man to get close enough so Noah can stab him with his ritual knife.

Noah would love it if he could just put a bullet in the man's brain without having to get close to him. There are multiple problems with this. One, Noah would need a gun. Two, knowing how finnicky magic is, Noah would have to make a gun. Three, Noah would have to learn how to use the gun. Four, Noah might be searched for weapons. It's a lot of time and effort that Noah's not willing to spend.

The nice thing about magic ritual knives is that, once attuned, they can be summoned at will. So no worry about being caught with a weapon. So, time for the actual stabbing. It's not too hard to find the motivation. He remembers the time he called his oldest sister 'mom'. He was only about four or five at the time. He only knew his mother existed in theory. She just used home as a place to sleep in between jobs. The eldest siblings had been forced to pick up the slack of parenting by necessity. He didn't understand why his sister had sobbed and run to their mother. He could hear the words they shared. But he wouldn't process a child mourning the loss of their childhood until years later.

He knew their father was the one truly to blame for leaving them all to this situation. Noah would twist the knife into his father's back if he could. He'll settle for doing the same to the leech that took advantage of their situation and was still attempting to suck them dry.

***

He's more present for this murder than he was for Chris's. It feels like he's watching someone else in his body, but he's aware enough that he is controlling his own body and remembers this. He wants to remember this one.

Once the loan shark gets close enough, it's a knee to the groin. Noah's fighting to win. A summoned knife to slash him across the neck. Noah misses. The shark didn't fall as fast as he thought he would. The shark uses two hands to grabs him by the wrist and attempts to pull the knife away. Not good, Noah can already feel himself losing that battle.

With a flick of his wrist, the knife glows. It switches from his right hand to his left. He goes for a stab into the side. With luck, he can puncture a lung. He's not used to using his off hand. He doesn't hit a lung, but he does get him in the side. He pulls the knife out quick. Blood pours out from the wound Noah just made. The shark is bleeding now. Not enough for Noah's liking. Noah notices his knife glow, and sees that the blood is being sucked into the runes. That's concerning. But Noah doesn't have time to process that.

Not when the shark takes advantage of his self-made distraction to tackle Noah. Noah goes down quick. He drops the knife in the tackle. The shark is strangling him while he still has the strength to do so. Made even worse by the fact that the shark's fingers are digging into Noah's gills, too. He's gagging, and choking, and he needs to end this now.

He tries to wrestle the shark's hands away from his throat. It does nothing. His strength was never going to be a match for the shark's. He can feel the shark's nails dig into his gills. Now he's choking both on air and his own blood. Spots are dancing in his vision. They're broken by a soft glow. The knife. The knife!

Noah stops trying to stop the choking. Instead, he summons his knife to his hand once more. This wasn't how Noah wanted the bastard to get close, but it'll do. He's right on top of him. The shark is so focused on Noah's throat that he left Noah's arms free. He uses both his hands to make the knife pierces the shark right through his neck. The shark slumps over Noah. Shock? Death? Noah's not sure. He isn't taking chances.

He wriggles out from underneath and stabs him in the throat again. He swore he saw a twitch. Again. The breath of life attempting to work its way through the hole in his throat. Again. Glassy eyes reflect a face Noah can't recognize as his own. Again. Noah's throat feels raw. Was it the choking or is it his screaming? Again. Laughing, or crying? Again. It doesn't matter. Again. It must be done. Again.

His arms tire. The deed is done.

Clean up feels like it takes forever. Still, for all this work he's put into this, he can't afford to be sloppy now. He drags the corpse back. It was a risk hunting his prey so close to his beach house. But the farther he has to take it, the more he'd risk being spotted. So close it is.

Some tension leaves his shoulders once he's inside. But it's not over yet. He drags the corpse all the way to his cove. He dumps the sack of flesh into the water. He dives in after it.

The cool water soothes his aching gills. Right, he'd forgotten about that. He takes a moment to run his hands gently across his gills. At least his scarf will hide the bruises. He cleans the blood off. He hopes that'll be enough because that's the extent to his knowledge on how magic gills work.

Now for the ritual proper. The water is salted, the circle set, incantations spoken. Now, for the body. It's in the center of the circle, but that's not enough. He has to commit one more vile act to see this through.

No time for holding back. He's doing this so no one else has to. At least the earlier cut makes it easier to cut through and reach the heart. He cuts it out and holds it in his trembling hand. There's no going back after this. Then again, there never was.

He closes his eyes and bites into the heart. It feels softer than he expected. Leftover blood bursts onto his tongue. The iron taste makes him gag. He rips away the bite. He chews. He goes for another. His teeth are sore. This one feels easier. His teeth are sharper. The iron loses its sour tang and becomes sweeter. He'd be lying if he said he was never curious about why Alejandro always insisted on eating Noah's kind. He thinks he gets it now.

Oh god. He thinks he gets it now.

He consumes it as quickly as he can manage, before the rest of his thoughts catch up with him. Everything glows, and his body is racked with pain. He passes out in shock.

***

When he comes to, the circle is empty. His body feels heavier. He kicks his feet to try to get back to the surface to gather himself...but he can't. He looks down to see eight tentacles, amber with rings of blue and black, where his legs should be.

On instinct he tries to swim away, but he's not used to wielding eight lower limbs rather than two. Most of them smack at each other in an attempt to replicate legs to swim. Noah's fucked up. He's fucked up so bad. 'Won't be permanent' was a lie that he fell for and now he's given up the humanity he was struggling so hard to keep and why can't he just have his own fucking legs back-

And suddenly he's looking at his legs again. He blinks as he processes the new yet familiar sight. Okay? Okay. This is, maybe that was some kind of stress and magic induced hallucination? They had looked so real though-

And the tentacles are back. Of course he wouldn't be so lucky. At least the 'won't be permanent' thing wasn't a complete lie. He just has to learn how to control the changes. And control the tentacles. Just like the gills. And just settle into his new life as a half-octopus. Cecaelia? Merfolk.

Like Alejandro.

Oh. A body to defend himself.

Well.

He can work with this.

[Noah fights against the loan shark. He wins, and drags what remains back to the beach house he 'inherited' from Chris. He performs the ritual successfully and passes out due to shock.]

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cloud-somersault · 2 months

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Hey, how are you doing? I hope you’re alright. 💕 I’ve been reading your status updates on Constellations and the Epilogue, and I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re amazing. Your writing is incredible and I love it. Your stories are so well thought out and the characters are ✨on point✨, and the plot is complex and detailed and aaahhh! It has me hooked! 🤩

And I understand how it hurts when you put so much effort and love into a story, only to post it and not see others be anywhere near as excited or invested as you are. I know how discouraging it can be. And it may be a little silly, but I do want to apologize for not commenting lately—life took some difficult turns for me healthwise around the end of last year and I haven’t been able to catch up! I’m still on Chapter 4 of Constellations! 😭 BUT Chapter 5 is open on my phone, and I am READY to read it as soon as I have the time (and mental energy, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue 😩). Don’t worry that your writing isn’t enough, or be discouraged if some readers don’t catch hints while others are figuring it all out seemingly too easily. Everybody reads and comprehends stuff differently, and it’s not a sign that your writing is bad if they don’t catch it! Honestly, I’m pretty bad at catching hints the first time I read a story unless they’re pretty darn obvious. I don’t usually notice subtle hints until the second, or third, or even seventh read-through, haha! (on the bright side, rereading stories and rewatching TV shows is always fun!) 😅

I guess what I really wanted to say is… don’t give up hope. Don’t lose your love and enthusiasm for your works, or feel like they aren’t worth writing because others don’t seem interested in them. At the heart of it all… at the end of the day… write because you love to. Because it makes you happy. And know that it doesn’t have to be “perfect”—the main goal should be that you enjoy it. That’s something I’m trying to teach myself, too. 💕

Thank you for taking the time to write this message and send it. I appreciate you're very kind words 💕I'm doing okay, I just had to take a step back for a bit from socials and stuff. I'm gonna keep that up for a while.

Please don't apologize for not commenting or taking your time reading. Your health always comes first, and I'm sorry if I came off as childish or needy, that wasn't my intention. Two things just happened that set me off and the timing of it was incredibly poor 😓

Please take your time reading; none of it is going anywhere, and don't feel obligated to leave comments either. i'm realizing that, even if chapters are short or long, finding the time to finish things is difficult, and everyone lives different lives. And I'm sorry about all the spoilers on this blog, I'll tag that better from now on.

But I really do think I got confused or disjointed in my perceptions; everyone here knows so much because i've been asked questions and given answers and people have interacted, so people following me here have more context than the average ao3 user. But I've kinda been expecting everyone to be on the same page, which will never be true.

I'm also the same way where it takes me a while to pick up on hints. I actually changed my writing style to prevent this. I got tired of reading books in college where you had to dive into every little thing. the hints and clues weren't obvious to me. I decided then that, when I wrote, I wanted things to be bold, obvious, but beautiful. I didn't want to make readers feel like they're missing something. I wanted them to trust that every answer, every clue would be answered in time. I made that promise to myself a decade ago, and being reminded of how different people interpret things just...made me remember.

I take writing really seriously, probably too seriously, but I've been doing it for so long and I love doing it. I want to be good at it. When it feels like I've gone back on that promise to myself, I get frustrated. I think of ways I could've fixed things. But I also remember that those books and those writing styles just weren't for me. I wasn't the target audience.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I wanted to explain why I got upset. I still love Constellations and I'm posting it on ao3 out of convenience, really. It's easier to reference and search there in one "Entire Work" than to have 5 documents open. The fact that others can see and read and have fun is a bonus. But I'm committed to telling this story, and I'm gonna finish with a bang.

Thank you, I won't forget why I'm doing this and that my thoughts/feelings come first! 😤I hope your health concerns are taken care of soon. Take it easy, and thanks again! 💕

#ask #this is very kind i'm sorry i worried people i was just REAL upset/mad #but i'm better now. i just needed to take a minute and refocus and remind myself of a few things #we're still chugging along #but seriously thank you for sending this. i'm really glad you like constellations! that means a lot to me #but seriously--health comes first. and DON'T FEEL PRESSURED TO COMMENT!!! 😤#okay love you bye~ 💕

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blindmagdalena · 3 months

Note

Hiiii it's me again!

I just wrapped up a full-on binge of your series with Homelander and Layla, and honestly, I've got to get a few things off my chest about these two. I'll try to keep this short, but there's a lot to unpack, and if you're not up for the essay I'm about to write here, feel free to skip it. Starting with Layla's profession — genius. It just clicks, right? With a job like hers, it's totally believable that she'd cross paths with a guy like Homelander. That guy's desperate for any scrap of affection he can get, doesn't really matter if it's genuine or not. And in your story, it feels like we get a dash of both. It's refreshing because usually, OCs just snap their fingers and suddenly, Homelander's all about them, which feels a tad forced.

But Layla? She's different. Their first serious meet-up perfectly demonstrates her patience. And her smarts? She's ten steps ahead, seeing right through Homelander's act — you know the one where he pretends he's too cool for the room. Her ability to play him like a fiddle from the get-go, just by stroking his ego, is just so spot on. It's not just her cunning that stands out, though. Layla knows exactly when to use emotional leverage, she's insightful about Homelander's neediness, hence the booked meeting. She's not your typical 'strong woman' character — thank goodness we're not talking about those overdone, one-dimensional types that come off as watered-down male heroes. Love that she's profoundly intelligent, perceptive, and strategic in her emotional connections. She's an exemplary character not wedged into the role of being “strong” but one who utilizes her understanding and empathy as powerful tools.

I'm sold on her character (if you can't tell.) And I'm really going all out here because as I revisit the first chapters to talk about this, I keep finding new reasons to appreciate her more. I want to dive deeper into my thoughts, but I'm probably just rambling now, so I'll cut myself off. You've single handedly got me working on my personal oc again lmfao. Just a last note, it's cool to see an original character who isn't some superpowered being for a change. It adds layers to the world you've built that I'm just here for. I'm gonna read a few other fics you have linked about your ocs — I came for the x reader fics and stayed for the ocs LOL.

— 💌

you genuinely took my breath away with this! my heart is so full and warm, i could cry. i can't tell you how many times i reread this this morning! i'm very tender-hearted when it comes to my original characters, and i was quite nervous starting an oc fic, but this makes me SO happy that i did!

please don't ever apologize for writing essays like this, i honestly want to print this out and hang it on my wall. thank you SO MUCH for not only reading my fic but taking the time to send me such an incredibly thoughtful message about my girl Layla. it really does mean the world to me!!! and i really can't wait to get back to writing Eat Your Ego.

i'm really happy that she's coming across so well! i knew that i would have to be careful in how i wrote her for the fact that she IS human, and there's a very delicate balance to be had in interacting with Homelander. there's a tension there that yeah, one wrong move and she really and truly has no defense against him aside from her wits, so i needed her empathy and intellect to be sort of a super power of their own.

i was worried she would come across as omniscient or meta, so i tried to lean into the fact that Homelander's ego and power trips really do just have him behaving like the type of men she would regularly encounter in her line of work.

aaahhh, gosh, even responding to this i reread it a whole bunch. thank you so much, darling. i'm going to treasure this message! 🖤

#sorry it took me a bit to respond i was legitimately just so taken aback and smitten hahaha i wanted to write up a proper reply #💌 anon #ask and you shall receive #darling anon #homelander x oc

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cherrybvmbx · 8 months

Note

Vada camping with R and encountering a brown bear.

The Misadventures of Camping with Vada

(just a little comedic relief oneshot with Vada and Fem Reader )

Warnings:Mediocre writing, Mentions of Weed

“Y/N??!”

Her voice rang clearly as you were pitching the tent.

“What V? I can't stop now. I have to get the tent pitched before the rain comes rolling in. Which, by the way, reminds me to scold you. I told you to check the weather before we left.”

Vada whined in the background, trying to get her attention.

Y/N, NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THE WEATHER OR THE TENT WE HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY, I MEAN MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH EMPHASIZE ON MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.”

Y/N chuckled wryly.

“V I told you to lay off the weed. It's not doing you any favors; you're probably just seeing sh*t. After all, I don't hear anything, and this tent won't pitch itself.”

Vada tugged and tugged at Y/N's sleeve.

She finally finished pitching the tent and turned to face Vada. She gently swept a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Now what's the matter, V? What's the bigger fish we have to deal with?”

Vada huffed in annoyance and made a gesture to the wilderness.

Seriously, V, you knew it was in the woods. This isn't camping in yours or Mia's backyard; this is backwoods camping. The real shit.”

She glanced around the wooded area, but nothing caught her eye. She huffed in annoyance and grabbed the wood to start a fire.

V, where did you get your weed from? I've seen you behave all wonky because of this shit, but this stuff seems to be laced.

Vada huffed

“Some kid in the parking lot. It's not out of the norm. You know, Mia says that this kid is trustworthy. Mia also said that I should just relax and trust her instincts and my own, and you know that I know that she has yet to fail me!”

She sent a knowing glare at the short girl. It wasn't jealousy; it was just pure annoyance at how oblivious and naive Vada is and how trusting she is. It was cute, but it would also likely be her demise.

Perhaps you should sit down or maybe wind down in the tent... for now, and I'll get you when I find it to be suitable.

Vada whined at the girl and begged and pleaded for her not to set her to the side.

“Please Y/N I'm not a child; I wish you wouldn't scold me like I'm one, and I wish you wouldn't place me to the side either. I'm not completely dumb; I can contribute to this camping stuff like fetching sticks or leaves. Is that what you need?”

She couldn't help but raise a brow at her.

“V? The fire is already going, and what in the hell would I need leaves for? If you want to help, you can use the bucket I brought and go straight forward to the creek side to fetch some water.”

Vada grabbed the bucket, muttered under her breath, and headed down the path she was instructed to go down. She kneeled down, scooped up some water, and sat by the creek as she watched a school of trout swim. She was entranced by how they swam in a group.

Suddenly, she saw a cute baby cub. She slowly approached it and went to pet it, because how many opportunities do you get like this? A loud growl filled the air. A mother bear and a bunch more cubs came to the corner. She was feeling threatened. She stood on her hind legs and snarled loudly. She drew her arm back to go and swipe at Vada, causing the stoned but small girl to quickly bolt with the bucket in her arms, water splashing everywhere.

Y/N Y/N Y/N Y/N!!!!”

She was panicking. She dropped the bucket and dived behind Y/N.

The more resourceful girl turned to look at Vada.

“What did you do, and what did you see?”

Vada pointed toward the direction where the mother bear decided to come from.

Y/N shrieked a bit, scooped up Vada, and booked it into the car.

“YOU ANGERED A MOMMA BEAR?!

The bear aggressively shook the car.

Causing the girls to yell in panic.

The girl reached into the backseat and grabbed a bear-repellent spray. She cracked open the window in panic and sprayed at the bear, causing it to run off. She laid over in Vada's lap.

“How did you somehow manage to get us nearly killed by a bear?”

Vada shrank back in the seat.

“It wasn't intentionally Y/N? I just wanted to pet the cute baby bear. Can you blame me? I mean, it was cute and fuzzy like a teddy!”

She sighed

“You are literally going to be the death of me.

#vada cavell #vada x reader #x reader #reader insert #jenna ortega #female reader

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merlot-and-chardonnay · 3 months

Text

The Targ from Horsing Around: A Character Comparison of Aegon and Bojack

For anyone whose read my post about the Blacks vs Greens discourse, I once brought up that I was someone who 1) have watched the entirety of Bojack Horseman and 2) made a comparison of the horse's life to that of Aegon from HotD.

Now you're probably wondering, how is so? Well if you stick around, I'll be more than happy to explain why. So sit back, relax, and read my...unnecessarily long take of our favorite brooding blonde dragon prince and...the Horse from Horsing Around.

Also quick spoiler warning for both shows as well as content warning for subjects such as addiction, depression, and abuse of power as well as dysfunctional family dynamics.

So, first off we have to do a little brief background for both characters.

So first we have Aegon:

Aegon Targaryen (second of his name), or also known in the history books as Aegon the Usurper, is the firstborn son of King Viserys I and Alicent Hightower, and in the patriarchal world of Westeros the heir to the Iron Throne...or he would've been had his father not named his older half-sister Rhaenyra heir, changing the line of succession.

Having not experienced much affection from either of his parents, Aegon strives to fill the void in his life by means of sex and alcohol, which doesn't do much as deep down he craves for someone to love him as he is and not because of what he can accomplish as the future king.

And then we have Bojack Horseman. An actor most noted for his role from the 90s sitcom Horsin' Around, and someone who comes from a very dysfunctional family, Bojack struggles with addiction and depression and self-loathing as well. He too has a void in his life that he tries to fill with drugs and booze and sex, but that doesn't do much.

So with the character synopses out of the way, now we'll dive into their similarities.

1. Family Background

While Aegon's family may not be arguably as dysfunctional as Bojack's (the casual eye mutilation and kin-slaying not withstanding), the dysfunction is still there. Aegon is the firstborn son of Viserys and Alicent. As I mentioned before in my Black and Green take, Alicent was basically forced into the marriage, never having a say in the matter, but did as she was bid because she felt it was her duty. She does not love Viserys, and frankly it was mutual for Viserys, as the two only lay with one another for the sake of fulfilling their material duties and to produce heirs.

I've already established Viserys was practically an absentee parent with his children, sans Rhaenyra, but we also see the way Alicent treats her children. She dotes on Aemond (more so after he lost his eye), and...she tries to dote on Helaena, bond with her, but she doesn't quite understand her (something I can kinda relate to in regards to my own relationship with my mother). And there's the way she treats Aegon.

Partly driven by paranoia by her own father, Alicent pushes Aegon in more ways than one in trying to prepare him to become king. She...uses some rather controversial tactics, most which include her slapping him out of the blue when he steps out of line, or for things that happened that were beyond his control as we saw on Driftmark, or covering for him when does something really bad, to which she proceeds to scold him in private and then slap him again before disowning him.

Alicent's relationship with Aegon is dysfunctional and complicated to say the least, and again to reiterate it was very telling that Aegon had asked her on the day of his coronation if she loved him.

I find it interesting how much of driving force between Alicent's parenting towards Aegon actually comes from her father pushing her, which led to some rather trauma inducing consequences to Aegon's psyche.

Sounds familiar Bojack Fans?

In contrast to Alicent Hightower, noble woman turned queen, Bojack's mother, Beatrice Horseman was a sugar heiress, i.e. someone who definitely comes from old money. Her father, Joseph Surgarman, also had an impact on Beatrice from an early age (especially after what he did to Beatrice's mother), and it haunted Beatrice for the rest of her life, to the point where she refused to love anyone the same way her mother loved her brother Crackerjack.

While Joseph didn't force Beatrice to marry (though he tried), Beatrice nonetheless found herself in a loveless marriage to Butterscotch Horseman, after she fell pregnant as the result of a one night stand with Butterscotch on the night of her debutante ball (keeping in mind it was the 60s and despite the sexual revolution having kicked off around this time, a woman pregnant out of wedlock was still considered scandalous).

Butterscotch was also an absentee parent to Bojack (when he wasn't busy smacking him around), spending his days at the office (*cough cough* having affairs with his secretary) and then shutting himself in his study at home to work on his inevitably failure of a great American novel (I could compare Butterscotch's obsession with being a writer of working class origins to how Viserys obsessed over his model of Old Valyria and its history).

Beatrice, meanwhile, was left with the burden of raising a child, and she often took that frustration out on Bojack, if not physically, than emotionally and psychologically. Beatrice also instilled into Bojack a very toxic need to perform in order to please the people and give them what they want, whether he wants to or not. (this was also a mindset Bojack would sadly pass onto Sarah Lynn and we know how that ended).

To summarize, Aegon and Bojack had some pretty shitty upbringings and it affected them greatly into adulthood.

2. Unhealthy coping mechanisms

As I mentioned before Aegon and Bojack use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with their lives, in the form of sex and booze.

Aegon drinks copious amounts of wine and cheats on his sister-wife with any woman who will (or won't) have him. He has also fathered an unknown number of bastards (something Bojack likely would've also done if he didn't use condoms or send money to his one night stands to get abortions).

Bojack took the unhealthy coping a step further in season 5 when an accident on set of tv show Philbert resulted in him getting addicted to prescription pain killers.

And of course people got hurt from these addictions. We saw what Aegon did to the servant Dyana, which resulted in Alicent putting out fires and giving the poor girl silence money as well as moon tea (and as I've mentioned before it's heavily implied this was NOT the first time something like that has happened). We also got a glimpse of the damage he caused Aemond, when the guy recalled to Criston his first and only time Aegon dragged him to the Street of Silk...when he was THIRTEEN FREAKING YEARS OLD!

With Bojack, we saw the damage his drug and booze benders have done, as we saw with Sarah Lynn in season 3, and with Gina in season 5 (and though he was not really on a bender in season 2, we saw what he almost did to Penny). And while Bojack's mother would never be willing to step up and pick up his pieces, that burden was constantly left to his agent Princess Carolyn (my favorite character of the show).

3. Toxic Personalities

It's no secret Bojack is a pretty toxic individual especially to his friends and loved ones. We see how he often takes Princess Carolyn for granted, especially when she goes out of her way to find him acting gigs and he flat out turns them down all the damn time. Not to mention he practically dropped her in season 3 when she screwed up ONE TIME for the first time in the many years those two had worked together. We also saw the way he treated Todd, never having given the guy the guest room, despite allowing Todd to crash on his couch for five years, and when Todd did have the opportunity to make it big and get his own place with the debut of his Rock Opera in season 1, Bojack goes out of his way to sabotage the whole thing cause he was scared of being left alone.

Bojack is a toxic person, something he is actually very self-aware of, but he doesn't do anything to change it, not until the very last season when he actually puts in the effort to go sober and reflect on why he is the way he is. But before that, his toxicity had real consequences and left lasting impact on the people around him.

Aegon is a toxic person too. He is something of a shit stirrer, as showcased in episode 8 during the family dinner when he tried to goad Jace and then made unwanted advances towards Baela. He's not the best person to his siblings either, particularly towards Aemond, such is in episode 5 when he convinced Jace and Luke to prank Aemond by giving him a pig with wings when he knew the boy wanted a dragon, and of course I already brought up the Street of Silk incident and what he did to Dyana.

Both Bojack and Aegon's toxicity are also compounded by their status as celebrity actor and royal family member respectively, which means there is little chance of being held to true accountability by others (though in Bojack's case, the closest we get to that was the second interview in the final season when Biscuits Braxby confronted him about the circumstances surrounding Sarah Lynn's death).

4. Need to feel affection from others

THIS....

This is actually the one thing that prompted me to make the character comparison in the first place. In HotD episode 9, after Aegon was crowned king, he pulled out his sword, and he saw the way the people cheered for him, practically cutting the image of his namesake Aegon the Conqueror.

Note the small smile Aegon made in this gif when he saw the way the people reacted to him in this state:

Aegon made not have had any desire to rule up until this point, and he probably still doesn't have that desire... but dammit, if being king is all it takes to win the love and affection of complete strangers, if that is what it takes to receive even an ounce of validation, then he will role with it.

This was the scene that made me think about Bojack. The reason Bojack got into acting, why he embraced celebrity status during his time on Horsin' Around was because that was when he had an audience to perform before. There were people out there that gave him love and validation for it even if they didn't know who he really was. And Bojack accepted it, because he certainly wasn't going to get it from his mother or anyone else whom he felt would eventually leave him for one reason or another. People in his life may come and go, but his audience would always be there for him...supposedly.

Spoiler alert, they weren't there for him as we saw as various moments in the show, ESPECIALLY the third and second to last episodes of the final season.

Bojack and Aegon gave the people what they wanted in performing their assigned roles, and it gave them the rush of validation and temporarily soothed their craving and need for the love and affection that was basically denied them since childhood (not true affection as much of this would be akin to a para-social relationship).

While there are similarities, there is also a key differences between the two (and NO it is not that Aegon is a human being in a medieval fantasy epic and Bojack is a anthropomorphic horse in a series set in modern day Hollywood).

It's fair to say Bojack had a stronger support system than Aegon, granted one he often took for granted. He had friends that actually cared for him and had stood by his side for most of the series, even when he kept screwing them over and throwing them under the bus. I already mentioned Todd and Princess Carolyn, but there was also Diane and Mr. Peanut Butter. And before that, before Horsin Around, there was Charlotte and Herb (though Bojack was quick to burn those bridges with those two when he failed them on two separate occasions).

Diane was the one who was there for Bojack during his low points in the show; she was the one who comforted Bojack when he was reeling over the death of Sarah Lynn, and she was the one who took Bojack to rehab in season 5 when he decided things needed to change if he was to become a better person. She was also the last person Bojack talked to in the final episode.

I already know how the events of HotD are ultimately going to end...I'm not optimistic Aegon will have that kind of support system, save for enablers and sycophants and just about any nobles and Green supporter who want nothing more than to win his favor by kissing his ass.

...that was kind of a grim note to end on, but that is what I got.

Hope you enjoyed this take. Now have a nice day.

#hotd #aegon ii targaryen #alicent hightower #bojack horseman #bojack #todd chavez #diane nguyen #princess carolyn #aemond targaryen

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123pixieaod · 8 months

Text

pilot!Max x backpacker!Daniel 👨‍✈️✈️💼

Part 6!

Part 1: Part 5

Ru in NL on yhe 14th???

I can be there for that weekend

If you'd like me to be :)

Max teases his teeth along the edges of his thumb nail, feeling the delicate skin catching and tearing.

Is there a tattoo conference on then?

He types, and then immediately backspaces.

I would of course like to see you again

He stares at the pixilated lettering, finger hovering between the send and backspace.

"You're not getting anything?"

He quickly locks the phone, looking up to see Lando wandering over, arms ladened with jellies of various toxicities.

"No," Max says, pocketing the phone. "Because I'm actually not a toddler and therefore don't need to structure my day with sugar breaks.

Lando rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Don't come crying to me when you suddenly get a hankering for jelly tots 35,000 feet above the nearest WHSmiths."

"Noted," Max replies dryly. "Now, can we go and find Sebastian before he sends a search team out?"

"Relax," Lando rolls his eyes again, not unlike a child whose just discovered the gesture and now can't get enough of it. "That's just Sebastian being Sebastian. We still have two hours before lift off. Oodles of time."

"I don't think that's technically-"

Max breaks off with a long enduring sigh, watching as Lando completely ignores him and dives back into the crowded stationary store.

After a beat, he follows him, trying not to notice the looks he's getting from the rest of the customers. Their eyes scan his crisp dark uniform, the brazen red striped pins adorned to his lapel.

F1 Wings.

The best there is.

"You know, the papers with free crayons and colouring pictures are in the next aisle," he says, watching Lando pick up some racing magazine, fingers flicking through the glossy pages.

"Ha ha," Lando replies, eyes bright as he rotates the paper, taking in the full spread of the newest model of a car.

Max returns to his phone, opening up Daniel's still unanswered message.

I'm not sure, he answers honestly, I'll have to check my rota

What are you doing in NL?

Hopefully seeing you ;), Daniel replies instantly.

But also there's a tattoo conference I've been invited to

I wasn't going to go to it

But I could

If you would be their

And you'd want me to be their too

It's there not their, Max types out to give himself time to think

Ahh... You're wanting I to be there ;)

Max scoffs in disbelief

You set that all up for not even a grammatically correct punchline?

What can I say, Im a man of many talents

"Holy shit," Lando exhales. Max's head whips up before he relaxes, seeing Lando is just in front of the best seller shelf.

"They're these things called books," he tells him. "Mysterious, I know, but those weird little symbols are called letters and convey meaning. "

Lando gives him a look. "I know that. I just meant I can't believe they're selling this one."

"This what -?" The question dies on Max's lips when he sees the novel Lando is holding.

His father's face stares back, expression grin. JOS VERSTAPPEN - IN HIS OWN WORDS, letters embossed on the cover.

"Put that back, " Max hisses, grabbing the hardback and roughly slamming it back on the shelf.

"Hey! I was thinking of getting it! Everyone seems to have read it, a pilot probably -"

"Oh yeah? And how would that look for everyone else here? A F1 Wings cadet buying Jos Verstappen's autobiography?!" Max demands, voice a furious hiss. He feels strangely detached from his body, as if this is a dream and it's not really him whose fists are clenched and whose glaring at Lando.

Lando pales, and then nods. "Shit yeah, you're right, I didn't even consider -"

"No. You didn't. Because you're a fucking idiot," Max continues to hiss. Lando's brows pinch together.

"Thats not fair, its -"

"You're such a fucking idiot," Max repeats, low hiss. He turns and walks away, blood still rusbing in his ears. Like staring at the sun, the afterimage of his fathers face is burnt into his retinas. Arms crossed, lips thin. The same face which told Max to try harder, to repeat the exams, to study until he cant keep his eyes open.

You're going to redeem the family name, aont you? You're going to show the world what the true meaning of being a Verstappen.

"What the fuck?" Lando calls, hurrying after him. Max pictures it, the way his expression shifts, the remorse calcifying into hardness.

A hand catches his elbow, forcing Max to stop.

"What's crawled up your arse?" Lando demands, cheeks flushed with anger.

"Maybe I'm just tired of fucking babysitting you," Max spits out.

"Maybe you need to learn some fucking manners," Lando replies in like.

Max jerks his arm free from Lando's grasp. He's fucking tired. It feels as if a knife's edge had racked along his skin, cutting away the niceties he's fought to accumulate. He's so fucking tired.

"You can be a real -"

"Afternoon."

Lando shuts up as Sebastian seemingly materialises behind them. He gives Max a genial smile despite how sharp his gaze is, darting between the two men.

"Hi," Lando mutters, angling his body away from Max.

"Afternoon," Max forces himself to reply, aware of how tensed and strained he sounds. They're standing a little away from the shop, but he's still aware of the eyes following them, the gazes taking the trio in.

"Anything the matter?" Sebastian continues in his pleasant tone. Fuck him and his fucking Yoda-like countenance.

"No," Max spits out at the same time Lando shakes his head, still looking resolutely away from him.

"Good," Sebastian says. "Will we get going then? Max, Lando?"

"Sounds good," Lando mutters as Max grunts in accord.

As they walk through the airport towards their terminal, Max walks behind the other two. Lando is ladened with sweets and is happily answering Sebastian's questions on developments in his favourite TV show, tension and anger already forgotten about. Max takes out his phone, still open on the text conversation with Daniel.

He wants to warn him. Explain he's not the sort of person Daniel wants in his life, that there's a reason he has no friends, only acquaintances.

If he was selfless, he would do it. But if he was selfless, then there wouldn't be a problem.

Yes, I'd love to see you

#angsty Max!#jos finally makes an appearance #dun dun dun #sorry this took so long #cut to daniel in some coffee shop in vietnam trying to reorganise his entire schedule to get to see max again #staying up late in order to text max at what would be a reasonable hour in europe #flicking to instagram and mindlessly scrolling as he waits for max to reply #feeling so stupid that he's fallen so hard for some guy he's only met twice #pilot au #my writing #my fic

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