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adorerdraco · 4 years

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Healing Heart ✧ Draco x Reader Mini-Series PART 2

PART 1

Summary: PART 2 ! of Draco falling in love with reader during his sixth year (HBP) and dealing with the consequences of opening his heart to someone.

Warnings: angst !!! but just a little fluff as always, BLOOD, violence, more crying, very detailed sectumsempra scene, mentions of death

Words: 4.9K

A/N: omg i can’t believe so many people liked the first one and to everyone who left me a comment, I appreciate you so much you have no idea plsss you guys are so beautiful. but here is part 2 and I hope you guys like it as much as the first oneee !!!!!!!! this one got dramatic. I’m thinking of doing a part 3, but I’m not sure and i also want to make it be mostly fluff so PLS let me knowww <3 i do not own gif.

It was an awful feeling; the feeling of needing a specific someone to bring him a peace he so very much lacked in his life. It was a feeling of not being able to feel joy unless he had you by his side. He felt stupid and pathetic knowing he had made an even bigger mess of himself and regrettably of you. He felt more weak too, wondering to himself why he couldn’t stop crying and do what he needs to do without several potions or you with him to get him through the day.

He didn’t want to need anyone. He didn’t want to need help. He didn’t want to need advice.

“Why can’t I just do this?” he cried to himself one night in the room of requirement, kicking something by his foot across the floor in frustration. He stared at the dead bird in hopelessness, not wanting to move it from its spot in the vanishing cabinet. He had managed to send inanimate objects, but not living things and that was only a discovery he was able to make when you were still in his life.

It had been weeks, since he left you under the tree, broken and in tears. He regressed back into to his old ways of lacking proper self care, of sleeping and eating, his studies being the last thing on his mind, him distancing himself from his Slytherin friends again. It was right back to square one, maybe even below that this time.

In Potions, he didn’t dare look at you, ever. He moved to a seat in the very back of the class where he would be hidden from you and could sulk to himself in peace.

“Mr. Malfoy, forgive me as it is none of my business, but why are you no longer working with Miss Y/L/N?” Slughorn asked him one day as he came by to grade his potion.

“It is nothing of concern, Professor,” Draco answered bitterly, holding back the scowl that wanted to show but deciding against being any more rude to authority. “I just rather work by myself.”

“It’s a shame, Mr. Malfoy, you both were my star pupils,” Slughorn mixes the potion around, eyeing it with a frown. “Now the both of you are falling behind. This potion is not passing, you forgot to mix in the dried periwinkle leaves.”

Draco never noticed how you would glance at him throughout Potions class. Of course, he was ignoring you and you felt that nasty realization every time your eyes landed on the platinum blond.

You felt numb, to say the least. You cried for days and days on end. If you weren’t in class, you were in your dorm, wrapped underneath the covers wondering why someone you shared so much love and time with had dropped you with no explanation. You tried endlessly to get him to talk to you, cornering him in the corridors, going up to him in class, but he would ignore you until you went away. He never once met your eyes, and your heart broke more every time you saw the coldness in his icy gray’s that made you feel like you didn’t even exist to him.

Your roommates and friends had gotten involved, forcing you to take better care of yourself. Staying up and hugging you while you cried. Bringing you meals from the Great Hall into the dorm. Brushing your hair when it started to become matted. Encouraging you to divulge yourself in studies rather than your sadness.

“Y/N, you are so much more than what you’re feeling,” your closest friend whispered to you one night as you cried in her embrace. “You can’t keep going like this. It’s okay to cry and be sad, but this is eating you up. Remember how strong you are. Remember the healer you are trying to be. You’ve helped so many people, inside and out, let your friends help you now.”

You nodded sadly, and finally accepted the help your friends had been trying so desperately to give you. You allowed them to take you out into the Great Hall again for meals. To Hogsmead for a fun day out. To the courtyard where you guys would sit and just talk. It was nice, feeling your old and normal life coming to light again even if it was just for a couple hours. But when you couldn’t sleep at night and your mind wandered off to Draco, you felt that same empty feeling of a gaping hole in your heart sting at you.

There was nothing you could do or say anymore. The cornering him was getting desperate and made you feel weak. The ignoring was never going to stop. You didn’t cry anymore, forcing yourself to bottle up your feelings for him deep down into your mind, body and spirit to the point where you just tried your best to recognize him as a dream.

Your brain didn’t know any better, right?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Draco sat on the floor of his dorm, head resting against the side of his bed as he twiddled with the letter from his mother between his fingertips. His owl, Aquila, sat beside him and enjoyed the loving pets he was giving her with his other hand. It was rare she let him do this, but he figured it was because she felt that he might have possibly needed this. She nibbled on a crumb of a biscuit he gave her that she had brought with her on her journey from home. Draco sighed and opened the letter again, his eyes scanning over the perfect cursive of his mother’s handwriting once more.

My Dearest Draco,

How are you, my love? I feel as though we have gone too long without writing to each other. I must say, the Manor feels lonely without you and your father here, but the house elves have been keeping me company. They are quite entertaining, some of them. I do hope you enjoy the small pastries I sent with Aquila that the elves also send on their behalf.

I know the pain you are feeling, my son. I know it wears at you and I am deeply sorry that I cannot change it or help you. Please do entrust in Professor Snape, as he is the only one who can help you and understands your circumstances. You cannot get through this alone.

Please also remember that you are just a boy. In these times of turmoil, it is easy to lose yourself in your own despair. You are young, Draco, only 16 years of life and it has already failed you. Please find it in your heart to locate the little several joys in life that keep you going. Despite your situation, It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there. Do not succumb, it is what he wants.

I will always love you, and I hope to see you soon.

All my love,

Mother

He felt tears sting at his eyes, clutching the letter to his chest as if his mother had charmed it with the feeling of a hug. It wasn’t, but he swore he could feel it. He felt sad, knowing she was all alone in that house, but suddenly remembered that his aunt was seeking refuge with her at the Malfoy Manor and his mother left it out for the sake of keeping Bellatrix’s location secret. Seeing as she was a maddened Ex/Present Death Eater and escaped prisoner on the run. The thought of Bellatrix left a bitter and foul taste in his mouth, making him feel even worse that his mother was stuck at home with that beast who was nearly as bad as the Dark Lord himself. He didn’t care that that was her sister, his aunt, she had no empathy for anything, especially not for him. He recalls her telling him right before he went to school, that he should be grateful and honored for being entrusted with a task so important.

As much as Draco wanted nothing to do with his tasks, he didn’t ignore them. He begrudgingly let Bellatrix teach him Occlumency, something he desperately needed to learn and was now a little good at. He had even tried convincing himself that he needed to do this. It was all up to him. He was chosen for this. He hated it, but he was chosen nonetheless. And he would try with everything to save his family and to make them proud, even if it killed him.

He ignored the thoughts of his aunt and his dreadful life options, refocusing on the words his mother wrote to him. They echoed in his mind, imagining her saying them to him.

“It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there.”

His mind wandered to you, knowing full and well you were are the one and only joy in his life he so deeply desires. His mother’s words hit him hard, to the point where he almost ran out of his room to go look for you. Almost.

But he was stubborn and still couldn’t pull himself out of the mindset he had boxed himself in where he thought being with you would be worse in the end for you than not being with you.

So he went over to his desk, Aquila following him before flying up to the wooden surface where she perched herself in front of him as he sat down and pulled out a parchment and quill to begin his responding letter for his mother. He thanked her for the pastries, told her he would try his best in confiding in Snape, loosely promised he would fulfill her wishes of him finding some happiness, and gave her his love. He gave the letter to Aquila, smoothing the feathers on the top of her head one last time before she chirped and flew to the window and then out of his room and into the open dark starry sky.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

More weeks had gone by. And then a month. You were seeing less and less of Draco and for a healing heart, it was the best thing for you, but also the worst. He had even began skipping class as much as he could, not that anyone ever noticed, except you and Slughorn of course.

“Miss Y/L/N, may I have a word?” Slughorn came up to you while you were working on a potion with your friend. The same friend who had given up her seat to Draco who she now despised and regretted ever doing in the first place. She gave you and the professor a look before getting up and heading to the front of the class where she began to pick up vials and jars to store the potion.

“Of course, Professor,” you answer with a polite smile.

“I spoke to Mr. Malfoy about a month ago, he seemed rather distraught,” he began, placing a finger over his chin in thought. “I’m beginning to grow worried of the boy! Is there a reason he’s no longer showing up to class?”

You swallowed thickly before responding, “your guess is as good as mine, Professor.”

“Ah, well, one mustn’t pry too much,” he says. “Also, I’m pleased to see your marks improving in the last couple weeks. Keep up the good work, Miss Y/L/N.”

And with that the professor turned around and left to go check on other students, your friend returning.

“What’d he want?” She asked, setting the supplies down on the table.

“Wanted to know about, Mr. Malfoy,” you mocked quietly, your voice turning bitter when the name left your lips.

You knew Draco’s disappearance was your fault and you felt that twang of hurt beat against your chest thinking about it. That whole conversation with the Professor killed your entire mood. It wasn’t great to begin with, but the feeling of nothing had turned into hurt.

You were roughly stirring the cauldron, preparing to put the nearly finished potion into the two large jars so it could sit overnight. They were right beside your arm and you felt your elbow collide with the glasses, cringing internally when you heard them crash onto the ground and shatter. Luckily there was nothing in them, but you had still made a mess of glass. In your heat of embarrassment and with the people are you now staring at you, you forgot you could easily clean up your mess with magic so like a klutz, you instead bent down to pick up the shards of glass that scattered the floor with your bare hands.

A loud gasp left your mouth as you began to pick them up, feeling the largest piece of glass in your palm deeply slash the skin of your hand. You dropped it, feeling the blood begin to drip down your arms and onto the floor.

“Oh no, Y/N,” your friend sighed from above you, gripping onto your other arm and lifting you up. “Are you okay?”

The question was meant for your hand, but you felt it hit your soul just as it did whenever someone asked you that question when you were so overwhelmingly not okay. You shook your head no, the pain from your hand and your heart taking over you completely as tears began to trickle down your face.

Slughorn came up to the table, waving his wand over the mess of the floor and fixed the damage done to the vases and making the small puddle of blood disappear.

“Class is dismissed, students, you are free to go to the Great Hall for lunch,” Slughorn announced and everyone quickly packed up their things and hurried out except for you and your friend. The full-bellied Professor watched you with concern and you turned to your friend where she took your hand in hers and placed it palm up for you.

You shuddered, bringing up your wand to the cut and simply thought your healing spell before watching it completely fade into a faint light pink scar.

“I’m going to explain to Slughorn what happened and put away our stuff,” she says to you, a sad glint in her eyes. “Go clean yourself up and I’ll meet you at our table for lunch with everyone when you’re done.”

You could only pathetically nod before you slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged off into the direction of a bathroom. You decided to go up to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, wanting to be alone from everyone so you could clean yourself up in peace and also have a meltdown. You didn’t know why you wanted to torture yourself with the ghosted memories you shared with Draco in that bathroom, but you still went.

You took your time getting there and you were only down the hall when you saw the entrance. It was then when you heard a familiar ghastly screaming and wailing. It was horribly loud.

“MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER!”

Moaning Myrtle floated from the large wooden double doors, screaming so loud it ricocheted off all the walls of the now deathly silent castle. You felt all the blood drain from your face as an awful and sickening feeling had bubbled in your stomach.

“It better not be Draco,” you said to yourself, your legs taking longer strides towards the bathroom. “Please, don’t let it be Draco.”

By now, you were sprinting towards the end of the corridor, throwing your bag to the floor as soon as you reached the doors and flung yourself through and into the destroyed bathroom, stepping into a pool of water that had streaks of crimson red. Your eyes followed the trail of blood, stopping suddenly when you found the source.

A blood-curdling scream twice as loud and stronger than Myrtle’s, left your throat as you tripped over your own feet to reach him. You saw Harry Potter, standing a little ways by the door, a panicked and pained look in his eyes as he tried to understand what he had just done.

Once you reached Draco’s nearly lifeless body covered in angry red gashes, you fell next to him, his eyes finally meeting yours for the first time in ages. He was breathing raggedly in choked grunts, clutching at his mauled chest as he struggled to breath. The stormy eyes you loved so much were clouded in fear. Nothing but fear.

You shoved your hand into your pocket, searching for your wand and pulled it out hastily. You shakily waved it over his cuts, thinking and saying any spell you knew that came to your mind in the matter of 5 seconds. This was what you did. This was all you did. Why couldn’t you heal him? None of your spells worked.

“I, I can’t heal you,” you sobbed, resorting to putting your hands over his chest at a failing attempt to stop the bleeding. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“n...o,” Draco said weakly and quietly. He mustered up all his remaining strength and placed a bloodied hand over yours, you grabbed it tightly and leaned over him when you realized he was trying to speak. “S-sorry. lo...ve. y...ou.”

It felt like there was a knife in your chest being repeatedly stabbed into your heart and twisted. His eyes closed and you cried harder, knowing you were going to lose him. Everything was happening so fast. You had only been in the bathroom a solid 10 seconds, everything around you moving in a slow blur but so quickly.

It was as if Merlin had answered your pleas, the sound of the door slammed open and a maddened looking Snape rushed inside, pushing Harry roughly to the side and looking down at Draco and then you only momentarily before dropping to his knees beside him and opposite of you.

“Vulnera sanentur,” he began running his wand over the cuts on Draco’s chest and you watched with wide teary eyes as the blood pooling around you began to retreat back into the wounds. He said it again, and once the blood was back in, the cuts began to close. He chanted it one last time, and the cuts had healed into thick and reddened scars. “Miss Y/L/N, please help Draco over to the hospital wing for some dittany, and quickly please. We might be able to help with the scarring, perhaps avoid it completely. I need to deal with, Potter.”

Draco was half conscious, a dazed and confused look in the gray of his eyes as they fluttered open and closed. You noticed the scar beginning to form on his paled face and you bit back a sob. You knew if that scar stayed there, it would only drive him into a deeper hatred for himself.

You quickly got up, Snape picking up Draco and throwing his arm over your shoulders so that you would be able to help him over to the hospital wing which luckily happened to be a hall away from the bathroom. The adrenaline and sheer love for the boy was pumping through your body which had made you feel stronger in basically carrying Draco through the halls. He was dragging his feet, mumbling incoherently and you couldn’t stop crying.

You saw the doors to the hospital wing open, Madam Pomfrey staring at the scene heading towards her in horror.

“DITTANY!” you called to her. She threw open the doors wider, nodding before she ran back inside in a hurry. A passing seventh year Hufflepuff had dropped all of his books and his bag and linked arms with Draco’s free side, helping you take him inside with much more ease. Madam Pomfrey yelled to rest Draco on the nearest bed and she quickly returned with the dittany, shooing the both of you away from him.

“I’m afraid the two of you are going to have to leave, immediately,” she demands, her hand reaching up to grab the privacy curtain before shielding her and the love of your life from you and the prying eyes of shocked students gathered at the doorway to see what had happened. The Hufflepuff that had helped was already out the door, but you couldn’t bring your legs to move.

“Away from the door!” McGonagall suddenly appeared from behind the crowd of students, a disgruntled look etched into her aged skin. “Return to your house’s common rooms! That goes for you too, Miss Y/L/N.”

She gently placed both her hands on either of your shoulders, guiding you outside the door and out of the hospital wing. She gave you an empathetic glance before grabbing the handles of the doors and shutting them with a loud clang.

The lingering students stared at you in discomfort and grimaces. You looked around, still in a daze and then looked down at your body. You were drenched in blood and water, looking straight out of a horror movie and closely resembling the clothing of the Bloody Baron, Slytherin’s house ghost.

Everything still felt quiet and slow. You didn’t even notice your friends rushing towards you in hysterics, throwing you in hugs as you only stood there, unable to react. You let them pull you away, leading you to your house’s common room, tripping every now and then. You caught a glimpse of Moaning Myrtle in the distance, her cries still very loud and apparent. She had gone around the entirety of Hogwarts wailing the same news that had broken you, only this time you heard the new choice words she had added along the way.

“MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER! HARRY POTTER HAS MURDERED DRACO MALFOY!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You sat immobile on the edge of your seat besides Draco’s hospital bed. Much to your surprise, Madam Pomfrey had allowed you to stay overnight with the fallen Slytherin Prince. You recognized it might be her way of paying you back from all your countless volunteering and because of that, she trusted you in knowing exactly what to do when it came to the medical field of the wizarding world.

It was around three in the morning, the incident having happened well past twelve hours ago. You were showered now and in a fresh pair of robes, your pajamas holding in your warmth as a cold draft flowed throughout the dark dimly lit room. The hospital wing was tall and large, it felt like a castle in itself, and it only made you feel more feeble. You scooted your chair closer to the bed, placing a hand onto the mattress right next to Draco’s paled slender hand.

Fingertips ghosted over his knuckles, your body shivering at the closeness of the near contact. You didn’t know how he was going to react when he woke up. It was all a waiting game, and your heart squeezed with anxiety as you awaited his regained consciousness. You didn’t forget the words he said to you right before he slipped away. They rang and rattled in your head like a pinball game on loop.

He had told you he loved you.

The thought of him dying and you never being able to tell him you felt the same haunted you. You thanked Merlin that Snape got there when he did. You also made a mental note to hex Harry into the oblivion the next time you got a chance.

You sighed deeply, your voice quavering as your ran a hand through your tangled hair. His face glistened under the orange lamp on the bedside table, his skin tinged with a grayish undertone and his eye bags deep and dark. The scar you had seen on his face earlier was gone, the skin now just holding a skinny reddened line going across his features as if he was just hit with something. You smiled slightly, knowing it would be gone in the morning and feeling grateful for him that he wouldn’t be scarred with it.

His body was covered in a hospital gown and bandages infused with dittany, but seeing how bad his cuts were before they healed, you knew those would leave something behind no matter what. In your studying towards becoming a Healer, you read about the effects of dark magic and the marks it left behind on its victims. You didn’t know what spell had done what it did to Draco, but it was violent and radiated with darkness.

The softness of his his skin was met under yours, your hand finally allowing itself to fall over his and you let out a sharp exhale at the touch. It wasn’t like earlier when you were holding onto him for dear life, rough and filled with fear and pain, this time it felt familiar. It felt warm despite the coldness of your skin and his. You shook quietly, another set of tears rippling through your body as you tried your best to not wake him. You sat up and slowly leaned over him, looking down at him to observe his peaceful features. He slept soundly and peacefully, his breathing even and quiet. Even though he almost died earlier today, he looked as though he was having the best sleep of his life. The sleep he gravely needed but seemed to never be able to get.

Your free hand softly rested on his cheek now and you carefully moved your lips towards his forehead where you placed a long kiss. A stray tear had fallen onto his skin as you pulled away and you frowned, wiping it away with your sleeve before moving your hand up towards his hair. You smoothed it back, the soft blond strands feeling like silk between your fingers. He was a dream, an angel to you. You stood by what you had told him that unfortunate day under the tree, he was good, and you would tell him again and again until he believed it himself.

Just as you pulled back from him, a sharp gasp erupted and he shot up in bed, grabbing and tearing at his gown as breathless quick pants fell from his lips.

“Hey, Draco, I’m here, you’re okay, relax,” you coo gently, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly in yours so he wouldn’t tear his bandages. Your heart battered against your chest, the waterworks in your eyes beginning all over again. He stared at you, searching your eyes and he began to cry too. The same broken and deep sobbing from months ago you had grown accustomed to hearing.

He threw himself onto you, crying even harder as his arms wrapped around you, his hand on the back of your head pressing you into his chest. You climbed into the bed in deep shaky breaths so that you were now sitting on your knees between his legs. It was overwhelming, to put it lightly, both of you crying into each other as you remembered the fall out, the lonely days and nights, the wasted opportunities, the endless missing of one another’s presence in their lives.

“I’m sorry,” Draco chokes out. “I never meant to hurt you. I thought that by pushing you away, you would be safer, but I can’t do it anymore. I need you, I love you, Y/N.”

You cradled him in your arms, rocking the two of you back and forth, and you shook your head reverently.

“I forgave you the second I thought I was going to lose you,” you respond quickly. “Merlin, Draco, you scared me to death. I thought you were gone.”

The same words from his mother echoed in his head again and he finally understood what they meant.

“It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there.”

Darkness was going to arrive one way or another, it was going to steal the rest of whatever life he had left in him one day. It was out of his hands, out of his control. The time to live his life was now. Because he didn’t know when he would ever have this opportunity of love again, of safety, of light. Everything was undefined and unknown and he felt the anguishing regret of all his decisions when he had seen you in the bathroom hovering over him with a hopeless look in your eyes. He promised himself, to Merlin and to the sun, the moon and all the stars that in the 1% chance that he survived that close call with death, he would never abandon you again. His heart pained at the memory of him trying to sputter out his final ‘I love you,’ not knowing whether or not you heard it or if you understood how genuinely he had meant it.

The room was only filled with sniffles and shaky breathing, both of you still in the same rocking position, afraid that if you let each other go, the other is going to disappear.

“Draco,” you say, lifting his head up from the crook of your neck so that he could look you in the eyes. “I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know. Please don’t ever, ever leave again.”

“Not in a million years, darling.”

PART 3

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agent-cupcake · 3 years

Note

You know, you've written a lot of your thoughts/hcs/etc on how various characters would behave as yanderes and so on, but I've never seen you talk about yandere readers before and I feel like that's an interesting subject to consider? Especially for 3H - you have a treasure trove of damaged boys to attract obsessiveness from girls who are convinced they are the ONLY one for them and it's their duty to drive away competition/threats/anyone they want.

Okay it's time to be toxic. I’m not going to go for all the guys, just the ones who immediately came to mind.

Dimitri: I joke quite often that I would be yandere for Dimitri. It all started when I brought up killing the girl he danced with at the White Heron Ball and quite frankly it's only spiraled from there because doesn't the Savior King Dimitri deserve to be adored and worshipped? Doesn't he deserve someone who wants the best for him and only him? Doesn’t it only make sense for him to be with someone who understands his mental issues and is willing to offer him unconditional support and patience? Doesn't he need someone with unwavering loyalty who will do anything no matter what the cost for his sake? It'd be so easy too because he's super dependent, desperate for affection, and clueless so if you just nourish those traits and constantly downplay his discomfort/suspicion of you driving away anybody who you feel is a threat by saying that this is how relationships just are, that it's just because you love him so much, that you're just looking out for him, what's he gonna do? It's not like he'd have any solid basis for knowing how relationships are supposed to be. Besides if he gets too upset you can threaten to leave him just like his mother did, I'm sure that would work to get him back in your arms (where he belongs). Yeah, that’s a little fucked up but it would be so much worse for both of you in the long run if you were apart. Being too aggressive or overt about your obsession would definitely make Dimitri wise up so it'd be better to go with love bombing. This would be good because it really lets you prove your devotion to Dimitri and makes it easier for him to just laugh off and excuse your disturbingly possessive behavior. His friends would be potentially problematic, but they're not always around and Dimitri's private enough that he probably wouldn't volunteer information about you to them. If you told him that it made you very upset and uncomfortable when he was friendly with the girls from his class, he’d most likely stop for your sake. Bonus round, have his babies. What is he going to do, abandon the mother of his children? Dimitri?!? No way. Of course he wouldn’t do anything to risk breaking his family, but neither would you! After all, this is all because you know Dimitri better than anyone which means that only you can love him.

Sylvain: Sylvain being manipulative and cheating on you after you try and prove your love to him through conventional means causing you to snap and kill hurt the girls, throw his lies back in his face, and prove that you're the only girl for him by preying on his emotional trauma with women is really something to consider. Why try to resolve toxic situations with love, compassion, and open communication when you can use blood and abuse to keep him with you? Play the part, be snarky, witty, flirty, be super hot and cold to keep him intrigued, give him the best fuck he's ever had, really show him that you don't care about his Crest, you just want to love possess him. Maybe even do the whole "I don't care who you're with, we both know you belong to me" to really engage him in those super fun mind games. Make everyone else acknowledge that you're the perfect girl for him, get them all to vilify him for continuing to be such a womanizer and breaking your heart. But, like, why stop there? Encourage him to retaliate, to be mad at you. Tease him for being so disgusted and angry at you when all you want, all you've ever wanted, was for your hearts to beat as one and then later act confused because of course you wouldn’t make light of his feelings like that, that’s horrible. All you want, all you’ve ever wanted, was for him to acknowledge that your adoration for him is true. Really break him until he gives you the whole “I’ll let you chain me up so I never even look at another girl” schtick. This might seem awful, but so is he! Reform can be difficult and if he’s going to be happy, he has to be made to understand why his behavior was so bad and the consequences of it. Because it’s not like you’d act like this if you had any other choice, it’s not like you’d continue once the two of you were truly together, of course you wouldn’t treat him so cruelly once he vowed himself to you and only you. And, really, I think it’d be a lot easier once he understood that and you got to prove your love to him through raw, unadulterated affection. Spend every day adding onto the list of why you love your Sylvain.

Claude: Claude being more than aware of the ole' saying "don't stick your dick in crazy" and then doing it anyway because he has a proclivity for the fiery, forbidden, and oh-so temping call of danger would be the perfect set up for a very bad predicament. You’d have to play some mind games to really convince him that he’s the one seeking you out, he’s the one who’s got it bad, he’s the one who wants to have you. In other words, you’d have to give him a challenge. But, you know, if it’s a game, you’d have to play back because you’re doing this for him, because you love him, because you want him to realize that he loves you, too (Uno reverse Claude’s yandere behaviors, basically) so obviously you’d have to eliminate any obstacles and taking out anybody who could be a potential threat. Get him to open up about his dreams, his past, his feelings. As it goes with basically all of these affection-starved men, make him feel loved for who he is. You know, if you were really good, you could probably even get him to give up on everything else for your sake. I mean, I loathe the ending but he does that for Lysithea. Pull a Tangled on Claude and make him believe that you’re his new dream as he mostly certainly is yours.

Felix: Sweet Felix. So oblivious but so difficult. A man who would provide the ultimate and most dangerous yan rival of them all: the thrill of the fight. In a lot of ways, I think he’d be like Dimitri. Mostly just because he’s so dense when it comes to love of any kind. But he’s also not as emotionally desperate or dependent so you wouldn’t really be able to use that against him. The similarities come from Felix’s equal amount of inexperience with romance which opens up a lot of possibilities for you convincing him that certain behaviors are normal. You can even bring up how his cold emotional state (something I believe he’s insecure about) is what forces you to be so overbearing, how badly it hurts you. You don’t necessarily mean to be so cloying but you’re so afraid of losing someone else you love so much (another insecurity of his). After all, there is nobody in the entire world who is like him, Felix Hugo Fraldarius, (three for three with his insecurities) and how irreplaceable and precious he is to you. These examples are kind of “soft” when it comes to using his insecurities against him, but you could go further with them assuming you were sure that it wouldn’t drive him away. Not knowing and having to work on assumption would always be a pretty big reason to control yourself in how you went about manipulating him because Felix is stubborn and prideful and pushing him too far would only hurt the both of you. It’s actually kind of funny because as opposed to the traditional yan mindset, it would be in your best interest to get Felix to form relationship bonds with others (but definitely not any of the girls he’s so popular with) because that would be a bargaining chip when convincing him to stay with you.

Ferdinand von Aegir: Ferdinand is, honestly, so easy for this. Like, I feel as if I don’t even need to talk about the details. You show him some affection and he’s yours. Bury him in love and praise. Tell him that it makes you unhappy when he talks to other girls or prioritizes his work over you and then reward him with boundless warmth and devotion because of course he would bend over backwards to make you happy. He just wants to be needed and treasured, to love and be loved. He’s already got the poetry and the ring and of course he wouldn’t mind getting married right away it’s true love, why would you wait?

Yuri: Yuribird is the forbidden darling. You’d need to be running on 100% love because he’d sniff out and ditch you at even the smallest whiff of deliberate obsession. But you know what he wants? More-so than the other guys, in some ways. He wants to be known and loved for who he is. In the face of genuine affection, he doesn’t stand a chance. Still, you’d have to be measured about this stuff. If you were jealous and got rid of your rivals yourself, Yuri would be disgusted and leave you. And you can’t hide that sort of thing from him, either. You’d have to go all in on the manipulation but only in the most honest way possible, that’s the only way past his defenses. Get him to prioritize your feelings first so he feels guilty talking to people or acting in ways that upset you. Reward him for putting you above everyone else. Constantly remind him that you’re the only one who knows and understands him, who loves him for who he is. Get him so emotionally fucked that even if his big brain logic is telling him that you’re toxic and horrible, he can’t stand the thought of being without you. He’d give up crime, it’s not like he even particularly likes it. Set up the perfect life for him, something domestic and sweet and warm, something he’s never had worries he doesn’t deserve, something that keeps him away from others. The goddess only knows how much he deserves a happy dream for once, and you’re the only one who can understand and provide that for him.

#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #sylvain jose gautier #yuri leclerc #claude von riegan #felix hugo fraldarius #ferdinand von aegir #fe dimitri #fe sylvain #fe yuri #fe claude #fe felix #fe ferdinand #fire emblem three houses #fe3h #yandere #headcanons #yandere headcanons #quality content only on my blog

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kcatta-wodahs · 4 years

Text

MC Who Does Not Fear Death x OM! Demon Brothers

Or maiming, or apparently any other consequences. You’ve walked into this situation with absolutely no filter and no fear. Time to tear down every structure of Devildom society.

Lucifer

You look at him with a withering stare when he tries to intimidate you into behaving.

“I was summoned out of my trashy apartment to this place, where literally anyone could snap me like a twig on accident. I’m just working on the assumption that I’m already dead.”

He sternly looks at you. “You’re under my protection during your time here. No harm will come to you.”

You snort derisively, which visibly irritates him. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t come back to haunt you if it happens.”

As you continue through your life in Devildom he keeps calling you out for meddling and all that, like usual, and he HATES that you literally *do not care* when he threatens you.

Like HE knows that he wouldn’t hurt Diavolo’s transfer student but YOU are supposed to be AFRAID of him dammit.

His frustration at this ends up turning into a form of respect. You’re about the only person who will stand up to him, and tbh like you’re so fucking fragile but you’ll yell at him all day? That takes guts. Annoying guts. But you’ve got guts.

But also STOP IT. He has enough stress in his life and now he’s constantly terrified that you’ve decided it’s a great idea to adopt a baby balrog

Which you did once. He’s just afraid that “Flamin Hot Cheeto” is going to come back since you somehow managed to imprint on it.

despite the fact that the BABY could easily tear your arms off on accident

Not to mention he gets the flack for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these following stories. You stress him out so much. Please. Please, stop.

He’s almost to the point of begging. The Avatar of Pride is three steps away from either locking you away for the rest of the year or begging on his knees for you to calm down.

But you know you’d find a way out if he locked you up so no worries. It’ll be a good challenge.

Mammon

“Well you WON’T be dead because it’s my job to protect you! Are you doubting the Great Mammon?!”

Stupid human. Yeah, you’re fragile and weak, but that’s why HE’S your bodyguard now, and there’s no way in hell (lol) that he would let you die on his watch.

Lucifer would kill him.

You welcome the challenge, and he thinks it’s funny at first but quickly becomes a flustered mother hen.

“NO, we are NOT going out to Madam Scream’s at 3am! Do ya know what kinda CREEPS are out there at 3am?!”

And you sneak out the fucking window.

He has had more heart attacks in the past week than he has had in the last 100 years of life.

He starts agreeing to your ridiculous adventures JUST because then he can actually keep an eye on you.

He adores the chaos of the laugh that bursts from you every time you narrowly escape death.

He HATES how often you have to NARROWLY ESCAPE DEATH. So he will never tell you.

He almost doesn’t have time for his own shenanigans anymore, because all his time is taken up by trying to make sure you stay alive.

And you’ve figured out that if you turn *any* of your ideas into a money-making one, he will join you whole-heartedly.

So you bribe him because what’s money to you anymore anyway?

Leviathan

I mean he doesn’t leave his room much, so tbh he probably just gets texts from you that make him want to scream.

‘hey uh levi say if someone were to hypothetically be stuck in a succubus’ devil basement to become an unwilling sacrifice to asmo what would that person, hypothetically, do?’

‘probably die’ is usually all he sends back

You always come back, because he always sends a text to the other brothers. In that case Asmo came to rescue you himself and scold the succubus.

You become the friend that he makes funny throwing-shade reddit posts about. (Devvit? Devil reddit? Eh??)

‘Levi so this has nothing to do with anything but is there a cure for a dangerously potent ‘always win at rock-paper-scissors' curse? Asking for a friend’

‘Friend is being held hostage tho so maybe be quick about a response’

He didn’t even know that kind of curse existed. None of them did. What the fuck did you do.

How did you get taken captive by playing rock paper scissors?

He doesn’t know. Nobody does. He expects the play-by-play so he can recommend it as a new anime to his favorite producers.

Somehow your chaotic plans end up with stories almost as great as TSL.

Beelzebub

He physically carries you around.

He’s like “fuck this you can’t get into trouble if I’m holding you.”

If Beel’s on MC watching duty, he’s almost the only one who is successful, just because you physically cannot get away.

But at the same time, he is very easily bribed.

So yes, he’ll go to Madam Scream’s with you at 3am. Sounds like fun.

But he is very protective after losing someone he cares about (who you remind him of so much….) so he keeps you close when you’re out and about too.

If you start getting into a fight with some other demon he literally just takes the fight for you and wins with no trouble at all.

You like having Beel with you.

Especially finding street festivals! You’re in a whole new world and there’s a MILLION things to try. Beel is more than happy to try them with you.

But that leads to arguments about whether deadly creatures to humans are still deadly when dead.

“No, you can’t eat that it’s on fire. I know even small fires hurt humans. I’ll eat it for you.”

“That hot sauce makes every demon I know cry. You really shouldn’t buy a bottle. Please. No, don’t try it. No, that’s too much for one-- oh. Oh no.”

He forgives you as long as you don’t actually get hurt and you give him your leftovers.

Asmodeus

“If I get wrinkles because of you I promise you will never hear the end of it. I will curse you forever.”

He swears on every single one of his lovers that you have started giving him grey hairs.

GREY HAIRS, MC.

Why can’t you just settle down and let them all take care of you? You don’t have to prove anything to the other demons!

But you will. You’re living in Devildom now, and by everything unholy, you are going to live that life to its fullest extent.

He was thrilled at first when you were all for joining him at his nightclubs and parties. Now he hides every party’s date from you.

That time you almost threw yourself off a balcony to try and emulate a very drunk demon’s newest dance move.

“I need to stay TRENDY, Asmo!! I’ll be fine!!”

Ever since learning Demonus doesn’t affect humans you have challenged every single stuck-up tough boy to a drinking contest.

And every single time you win, Asmo has had to *narrowly* save you from being killed by said demon.

And you just say “he deserved it” every time.

And like, yeah okay, he probably did but YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE.

Somehow, you manage to out-party Asmo.

dON’T TELL THE OTHERS but he lives for the times when you practically fall asleep on his shoulder while coming home from a rager. You may not get drunk, but when you’re sleepy, you’re so affectionate and something in his heart melts.

Satan

At first, Satan was all for the rebellious “life life with no restraints” thought process you explained to him.

I mean, he didn’t like the assumption that he and his brothers couldn’t control themselves to not accidentally kill you, but also… fair.

But he didn’t realize that this mindset followed through for EVERY demon in ANY place.

Including RAD, where old and wizened demons were *really* not used to being contradicted

Which led to you “accidentally insulting” your 5000 year old Human Studies professor by giving them a pop quiz on current memes (which they failed).

And left Satan as the one who had to make sure that said professor didn’t kill you.

And the thing is, this keeps happening.

You’ve written all over the school’s library books, pointing out every error.

You *continue* to argue with the demons who threaten to kill you when you say silly things like “No, Solomon did not learn his sorcery at Hogwarts because Hogwarts isn’t REAL.”

(Solomon, meanwhile, refutes you vehemently and seems to grow three inches taller every time you glare at him.)

Satan assures you that he values knowledge and truth and all that, but could you maybe find a less dangerous way to push it?

No can do, Satan, because you already had plans with Mammon to use a curse that writes the history of the actual Sorceric Academy that Solomon attended like 400 years all over the desks in Human Studies. It’s activated by anyone saying “Hogwarts”.

No, no, Satan, it’s brilliant, because you can’t do magic. It can’t be you who did it.

Satan, no don’t tell Lucifer.

I thought you hated him. Satan, wait.

You are the only person in the history of ever who convinces him to come to Lucifer for intervention. You wear that badge with pride and also deep, deep, bitter sadness.

Belphegor

Like, through the plot your willingness to be a thorn in anyone’s side just to get more information really works for Belphie.

He’s like all I gotta do is ask? Sweet. Yeah. Go, human.

But then when he’s all big and threatening and “im gonna kill you” and you just kind of look at him and nod like “yeah, this checks out.”

Frankly, that’s rude, MC.

And then he keeps threatening to kill you and it doesn’t even PHASE you like. You just keep listening to him rant and going “OH i think i get it now”

He liked that you were always looking for more information when he was the one pushing you around, but now?

No. Human, he is going to KILL you here, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

And then you do the time-travel bit, and see that he *literally has killed you in one timeline* and you just like

Shrug it off and keep talking about Lilith???????

Tbh what probably stopped him from doing it again is just that you’re fucking insane, MC

“MC, you literally just saw yourself dead in Mammon’s arms”

You wave your hand vaguely in his direction and say, “Yeah okay, but can we talk about the lack of communication in this household because it is tearing this family apart.”

What the fuck MC

When he’s back to normal, tbh he loves that side of you. He loves getting into shit when he’s not sleeping. He will 100% encourage you and be there to make sure that you *don’t* actually die again.

He’s the only one who doesn’t actually try to stop you. Who knew he was so into chaos.

But if you try to drag him to a plan when he should be sleeping he will be like Beel and literally just hold you down while he naps dammit. You brought this on yourself. He needs sleep.

#obey me #obey me!#obey me shitposts #obey me crack #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me belphegor #bast babbles #my writing #obey me headcanons #gender neutral mc #re-reading this makes me vibrate with the need to destroy things #tldr is that humans are fucked up

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controloffandoms · 4 years

Text

Buck Begins Fic Recs

For @thisissirius

Here are a couple of fics that I have written. And I’ll probably add a couple of favorites that I’ve read along the way!

Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough

Buck bit his tongue, looking away from his father. It was too early in their get together to have a blow out. He especially didn’t want to have that blowout in front of Chim and Albert. “You know, firefighting, until recently, has had a huge amount of off duty suicides due to improper care of mental health. The department has changed to help firefighters through hard times of losing patients or families in fires by hiring departmental psychologists and having service animals available for visits to the firehouses after really tough calls. If someone isn’t in the right mindset, we could lose more people, not to mention our own people and that person. Mental health is no joke,” Albert stated. Buck had to hide is smile, but he turned to Albert, giving him a knowing look and small smile. His parents spluttered for a few seconds before Phillip turned to Albert. “I don’t think I was talking to you. Mind your own business, this was a family matter.” “Don’t talk to him like that,” Buck nearly growled. “He is family.”

~~Or the one where the parents visit and Buck is in over his head...luckily his family has his back.

~~~~Part 1 in the Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough series

Nothing I Ever Did-

~~~~Part 2 in the Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough series

"Watch your attitude, Evan," Margaret glared. "Why should I? All you've ever done is put me down and compare me to Maddie and try to make me into her. News flash, I'm my own person and I'm different! I get that nothing I ever did was good enough, but I don't have to keep trying to appease you and let you walk on me or my family. So if you could kindly drop the attitude and rude comments regarding Eddie and Christopher, it would be much appreciated. They invited you into their home and you've been nothing but assholes since you got here! Clearly you came here with opinions and baggage and a want to have your way, but that's not going to fly here. You best just head out of town tonight, you're not wanted here in my life or Maddie's life. We don't want your toxicity melting into our families because I'll be damned if the shit you've said tonight will ever affect my niece or my kid!"

~~Or the one where Eddie hosts the Buckley parents and just tries to be supportive in general...but the parents are nightmares. Featuring cuddles with Chris, Eddie, and Buck.

Not The One You Wanted

“Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do.”

“Love me anyway,” it had been said like his heart had been ripped out...which, it felt like it had. Because that was the truth, wasn’t it...all he ever wanted was for them to love him anyway. He wanted his parents to give a damn about him but they never did...it was like he was a responsibility that they never wanted.

Maddie had said that their parents had been different back then when they were sentimental and made a box for her...and now Buck knew why. Daniel. His older brother Daniel...a brother that he didn’t even know existed until he sat down with Maddie to look at all the baby photos in the box...and there were plenty...Buck can hardly remember ever getting portraits like these done during his childhood….but his parents were different back then.

-OR- Evan Buckley deserves love and hugs because of how shitty his parents are.

*This is honestly one of my favorites that I’ve written...it’s like a character study while Buck was trapped in the warehouse with some liberties surrounding the reason Buck’s in the warehouse*

Secrets

He’d been lied to his whole life...Maddie had never thought to tell him about not being his actual sister...his parents were acting like it didn’t matter...like he should just get over it. Buck’s eyes met Chim’s...and his whole body went rigid. “You knew,” he whispered, looking directly at Chim. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?!” He rounded on his sister, “you told him, but not me?!”

“Evan, I was trying to protect you-”

“No, you don’t get to do that! You don’t get to try and protect me! I’m a grown ass adult, I deserved to know but instead of telling me, you told him and even though I’ve known him longer he still didn’t tell me!” Buck shook his head, backing from the room. “I can’t do this,” he whispered.

-OR- Buck finds out the secret Maddie's been keeping from him while his parents are visiting...he is understandably betrayed.

*Basically, Buck Begins and the Daniel scenes hadn’t happened yet and I wanted to know what the secret was, so I came up with this.*

Ambush of the Parents

Based off the new Promo (or the one I just saw) where we see Maddie, Chim, Albert, Buck and (who I believe) are Buck and Maddie’s Parents. Buck’s dad says “you’ve been seeing a therapist?” and Buck responds “Well, the job can be stressful.”

Disclaimer: Please don't read if verbal abuse from parents triggers you.

~~~~Or Buck’s parents are absolutely horrible and Buck’s family defends him.

Buck Begins

Buck always tried to please his parents. He wanted to be recognized and loved. He tried to get their approval but it was never enough. *Includes flashbacks, this was before Season 4 was even in production*

~Evan had thought that the SEALs would make his parents proud. He tried out for the SEALs, he went through training, but it still wasn’t enough. Then he’d dropped out. That had been the icing on the cake. Evan had never had a big blowout with his parents. He’d always tried to appease them. He tried to be the perfect son…but they never thought he was good enough. So when he dropped out of the SEALs, having a shouting match with his father as a consequence, he left for South America. He bartended and had fun. Then he’d gone to LA and became a firefighter and he hadn’t contacted his parents since the blowout.

Here are some fic recs that are not my own works

double vision wrapped in last night’s party clothes by amirlywritingfanficnow

"I have always been honest with you." When Eddie's voice cracks, Buck's composure almost cracks with it. "Why can't you just be honest with me?"

When Buck is let in on a long kept family secret, he doesn't know what to do. He almost ruins things with the one person that keeps him from feeling like he's floating away with no way to land, but it ultimately turns out okay with help of a little communication.

*This one pulled at my heart strings a little*

but i leave it in my heart, cause I don’t want to stay in the dark by neoncrayolas

Buck hadn't meant for the confession to come out like it did. He'd wanted it to be more eloquent and not so full of snot and tears.

But once it was out, there was no going back.

Or, part character study of Buck, part coda to 4x05.

*Basically, Buck isolates himself, Eddie gets worried, and Buddie is endgame

Learning to Breathe by TearsThisSideofHeaven

Boy, he thinks as the city lights blur a little in his vision, my therapist is going to have a field day with this.

*Short little fic that delves into Buck’s emotions with Eddie trying to support him

Finally Safe by WinterLioness

In the aftermath of finding out a family secret Buck finds himself going to Eddie. Christopher and Eddie use their Diaz charm to help.

*This picks up on the emotions Buck feels not only because of the family secret but because Maddie kept it from him (not full on hate, but what any normal person would need to work through) and Eddie is there to support him. Features cuddles with the Diaz Boys.

Not Related to the story line of 9-1-1 but has a whole ‘Buck Begins’ vibe because I was world building: The Life We Live

*The Old Guard AU no one asked for* "Athena had seen many a millennium and many men, women, and children die. She had seen the rise and fall of civilizations. She had felt the pain of loneliness and the happiness of community...but she’d never, in her many years of living, seen something like Eddie, Buck, and Chris. She’d never seen this profound of a bond, even between herself and Bobby. After Buck lost Abby and, later, Ali, Athena wasn’t sure he would have let his heart reach out to another person that he could lose...but she was proud of him. He built something that was hard to come by in their way of living. He built a home."

*I’m really proud of this one, it turned out well*

Not Related to the Story Line of 9-1-1, Fics by others!

Please Don’t Say You Love Me (because I might not say it back) by Queerfeministdork

"Say I love you loud, and say I love you often. It was an easy sentiment, and it was a beautiful background picture. But something clenched tightly in Buck’s chest when he saw it flash open as he handed Hen her phone. Because he knew it was a simple thing for most people, that most people could just let those three little words slip out without a care. But he couldn’t. They always got caught in his throat, stuck behind his chest. Tamped down before he could think to breathe them out."

Buck always wished he could just say the words. Turns out, maybe people just know.

*Basically, Buck can’t say ‘I Love You’ as easily as everyone else and panics about it...but eventually, everyone understands.

everything is blue by amirlywritingfanficnow

When Evan Buckley is ten, he discovers nail polish.

In which Buck paints his nails, Eddie is flustered, and May is a matchmaker.

*Basically Buck and Eddie saying fuck toxic masculinity. Buck enjoying painting his nails and Eddie is definitely in love with him.

Coming Home To You by kariberri13

The 118 want to know more about Buck, but the man won't give them many details. That is until the biggest detail walks through the station's bay doors.

*Not focused on his past, but a different story focusing on the fact that Buck is married to Eddie and has a kid that he didn’t tell the Fire fam about.

There are tons more, but this is what I could think of off the top of my head!

Hope you like them!

#buck begins fic recs #buck begins #fanfiction writing #9-1-1 #evan buckley #buddie #evan buckley x eddie diaz #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #the buckley parents #fic recs #for thisisserious #longish post

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polygamousstan · 4 years

Text

I’m a Monster- Draco Malfoy

Prompt: A year after the Hogwarts Battle, Draco still wonders why you’ve decided to stay with him, the nightmares getting worst for him...

*Y/H/H: your Hogwarts House

________________________________________________________________

Since the Battle of Hogwarts, a lot of things have changed for a lot of people.

Harry could finally live a normal life, Ron lost his brother, a lot of people have lost many loved ones but that hasn’t stopped them from moving forward, even with the pain that they have to hold on to for the rest of lives.

The Battle has affected everyone, some more than others.

Draco hasn’t been able to recover from it.

Since that day, he has been a changed man, his happiness disappearing when he became a Death Eater, since he was forced to choose the Dark Lord’s side and become one of his minions.

Being a Malfoy has a lot of qualities, he had a big mansion, a family that would have done anything to protect their son, even if it meant following the Dark Lord, the Malfoys intention was to protect one another, no matter the consequences, even if it meant betraying certain people.

That’s how I felt when we entered our sixth year at Hogwarts.

That year, Draco had barely written to me over the summer, worrying me while I sent out letters but he never responded so I hoped that all of that would change when we went back to school. Sadly, I was wrong.

I tried talking to him, sending him notes, waiting for him after Quidditch practice but I would fail everytime, wishing that he would at least give me an explanation until I finally got one, they day Harry and Draco fought in the bathroom, Harry leaving Draco on the ground, water and blood surrounding him.

When Professor Snape came to see to tell me about Draco, I ran to the infirmary, even though we were in a tough spot, I still loved him.

When I got to the infirmary, Draco was awake, surrounded by Pansy Parkinson, she was laughing, her hand on Draco’s arm:

“Pansy, can talk to Draco please, alone ?” I asked, anger seeping through my voice as she started leaving with a smile on her face.

“Draco, are you alright?” I will never forget what he did, he turned around, ignoring me, as if I wasn’t in the room.

Anger boiled inside of me, rage finally coming out of me:

“Draco Lucius Malfoy, I’m fed up of you acting this way towards me, I don’t know what I have done for you to act this way but I’m tired of fighting for us, I don’t even know if there’s an us any...” I will always remember, my breath hitched in my throat when I saw it, the Dark Mark on his arm:

“Draco, what...” that day I felt like I had lost someone, that I was mourning over someone’s death. I remember Draco telling me that he would never be like his father and that he would fight, but he didn’t go through his wishes.

He put his arm down and started sobbing, that’s when I knew that it was over.

Dumbledore died that year, under the hand of Professor Snape and that year everything changed, Hogwarts was held by the Death Eaters, certain students deciding to go back to school but not us.

We all stayed at the Burrow during the summer, preparing for Bill and Fleur’s wedding but things didn’t go to plan when a message from the Order was sent and that everything unravel.

We traveled far and wide to find the last horcruxes left and when we did, we went back to Hogwarts, hoping to find the last two horcuxes.

That night, when we went back to Hogwarts, Draco tried to convince me to leave but I couldn’t leave the people I love behind.

We all lost loved one that night and I knew that I had lost Draco to the dark side that night until a few months later when we met again.

We had a good timme together, talking about our future and all.

We decided to try again, everything being so different now since the Dark Lord died, we thought, why not.

At first, we were happy, in love but then, it all changed.

Draco started having nightmares, the guilt clearly gnawing at him but one night, it was bad...

________________________________________________________________

Draco’s POV:

“Draco, come with us, darling” my mother said to me, holding her hand out

I look around, feeling them staring at me, observing me, wondering if I will go to her or not when I see Y/N.

Her face covered in bruises, her wand in her hand, her clothes ripped, her hair dishevelled, her eyes showing sadness and pain, pain that I had caused when I took my distances from her, when I showed her the dark mark on my arm.

“Draco, listen to your mother, it’s the right thing to do, unless you want to die like these muggle lovers ” the Dark Lord adresses me, a smile on his face, staring at me

“Draco, don’t do it” I turn around, Y/N talking to me

“You said you wanted to be different, to be better, you never wanted to take this road, you are a good person Draco Malfoy, I know that” she finishes

I smile at her, taking her hand in mine:

“Very well then, I will take the thing that you love the most” the Dark Lord says, looking straight at Y/N

“Wait, I-”

“Avada Kedavra !”

My eyes open suddenly, panting while I look around, finding myself in bed, Y/N beside me, peacefully sleeping, her breath slow and calm.

I wipe my forehead, sweat beading all over my body.

I get out of bed, putting on a shirt and heading to the balcony, my eyes wide awake.

The fresh air hits me, chills creeping up on me as I turn back, knowing that Y/N is still here, still alive and that it was all a dream, a nightmare, really.

I sit in a chair, rubbing my eyes and head, tears rolling down my cheeks.

I almost lost her during the Battle, I decided that day to leave her behind and she still loves me to this day.

I don’t deserve her, I really don’t deserve her:

“Draco, darling ?” I wipe my tears, lifitng my head up to find Y/N leaning against the window frame, wearing shorts, a tank top and covering herself with a light scarf:

“You had a nightmare again ?” she asks, concern appearing on her sweet face

I don’t say anything as I hear her move closer to me, taking my hands in hers as she sits on my lap, my head lying on her chest while she strokes my hair:

“Y/N” I say

“Yes my love ?” she asks

“Why are we together ?”

“Because I love you” she replies

I lift her up and put her on the chair as I stand up, approaching the balcony and leaning on the rail

“You should’nt love me, I betrayed you, I lied to you , I ignored you, I hurt you, I joined my parents when I promised myself that I would never do such a thing, that I would never become like my parents and yet I didn’t, I broke my promise to you by not doing so, I had to kill people that I know, some that I had appreciated at the time but it was my duty. I’m a coward...”

I take a slight pause, taking a deep breath in:

“I’m a monster...” I whisper the end of my sentence, tears rolling down my cheeks once again, my head in between my hands.

I hear Y/N move out of the chair, her light footsteps coming closer when I feel her arms around me, making me jump of surprise but also making me tense. She puts her hands on my shoulder, rubbing them, making me relax:

“Draco, I can’t stop myself from loving you, I have always loved you and I always will. I know that you had a different mindset about the Dark Side but you did what to had to do to protect yourself and the people you love. You did hurt me Draco but we were kids, we didn’t know what to do or how to feel, we didn’t know what was going to happen and at which degree. You aren’t a monster Draco, I know you, you are kind, smart, gentle but you hide yourself by being mean to everyone. It’s not too late to change that Draco, we have our whole lives ahead of ourselves...” she ends her phrase, turning me around to face her

“I have loved you since third year and I thought to myself, he would never go for someone like me, a half-blood witch from *Y/H/H but when we would sneak off and meet at the astronomy tower late at night, I knew in those moments that I would always love you no matter what. What happened Draco is in the past, we’ve all done bad things in the past but you can change that in the future by not making the same mistakes. You are a good man Draco, you just need to forgive your past self, move on and become someone better, it takes time but I’m not going anywhere.”

A tear falls on her face but a smile reigns on her face, her eyes shining.

“I really don’t deserve you, princess. I love you” her forehead against mine, I graze her lips, kissing her longingly, with passion to prove to her how much I love her.

“I love you too, darling. Shall we go back to bed, we start early tomorrow” she says, a yawn cutting her sentence

I take her hand as she leads me back to the bed. I sit on the side, taking my shirt off and lying on my side, Y/N putting her head on my chest, her hand caressing my chest:

“I love you Draco, always and forever, like we promised”

“I love you too Y/N, always and forever my love” I say before falling in a deep slumber...

#draco imagine #draco malfoy #hogwarts battle #imagine #tom felton #HarryPotter #fanfiction #draco malfoy imagine

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iceshard1011 · 4 years

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Unrequited Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders Characters: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Orange Side (Sanders Sides) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders And Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Car Accidents, Precognition, Abusive Parents, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Background Orange Side (Sanders Sides), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders Is A Good (Boy)Friend, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is So Done, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Mentions of various mental illnesses, (none of which any of the characters have) Summary:

"You know when people say your life flashes before your eyes? Well, it doesn’t. You don’t have time."

---

In which anyone who has ever hurt Remus immediately pays for it thanks to his menace of a brother.

4k word fic is below :)

Remus had always had rotten luck. Wherever he dared to have the audacity to step, utter chaos followed. Whether it was a punch to the nose from an asshole trying to mug him or a woman ranting at an accidental spill of coffee on her new shirt. Whether someone walked away with a soured attitude or broken leg, anyone who came in contact with Remus had their entire day — and sometimes their entire life — ruined, simply for looking at him the wrong way. Remus figured this recurring curse nipping at his heels was the reason he had no connections with his family, the reason no co-workers wanted to be around him, why no one in his classes stuck around long enough to know more than his name.

Oh, also, he was crazy.

If everything aforementioned wasn’t enough to push someone away, announcing that he had a voice that told him This person talks behind your back was a sure-fire way to send anyone scrambling.

At first, Remus thought it was normal. For a thirteen-year-old boy growing and changing and dealing with significantly more stress and grief than other people his age, hearing things like Your friends are toxic and This teacher sucks and You don’t need school didn’t seem so crazy.

Besides, he’d approached his parents exactly once about leaving school, and got his answer swiftly and harshly. He’d never asked again, too distracted with trying to help Mum when she came down with a sick spell for the next week and the way Dad’s car kept breaking down.

The thoughts didn’t cease.

It’s not wrong to like boys.

You’re not in love with your girlfriend.

You could anonymously key your English teacher’s car after school. The bitch deserves it.

Sometimes, Remus did stupid things like listen to the ridiculous thoughts that hummed in the back of his mind.

When he fled from the car, stuck in the middle of congested traffic just before a truck ploughed through the vein of vehicles and landed his father in hospital for days, his mother had slapped him upside the head and grounded him for far longer. Remus still wasn’t entirely sure why. He wondered if she blamed him for not warning them. He wasn’t sure if that was justified, as he hadn’t been thinking much else other than the GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT that had been ringing in his ears.

When the thoughts had mused, seemingly half-heartedly, that his father was going to trip down the flight of stairs if he went without his crutches, Remus’ attempt at a warning had earned him two weeks of dabbing foundation over the bridge of his cheek so no one at school would ask questions.

“Stop acting out!” his mum had screamed once as she pinned him to the wall, her nails digging into his throat and her expression blurry from his stinging eyes. “It won’t change anything!”

His parents’ breaking point was when Remus freaked out the entirety of his chemistry class when his mind insisted that the method the professor was teaching them was going to cause fire to catch on the hair of the girl at the far end of the classroom. He was called into the principal’s office during that class (escaped the smoke alarm going off and the screaming from someone who was going to have an unexpected style change, which was good) and then again at the end of school, with the addition of his parents, neither who were very happy about it.

It was then that he revealed, in a humiliated mumble, about the odd thoughts that continued to prove to have some truth.

The money for a doctor got on his parents’ nerves. He stopped visiting the therapist before any diagnosis could be determined.

Remus did his own research. Schizophrenia, bipolar, DID, OSDD, OCD, every relevant acronym and mental illness under the sun, yet nothing answered all of his questions. There weren’t any odd dreams, multiple voices weren’t clogging his mind, he didn’t feel out of place in his own body, he never saw anything that wasn’t really there.

Nothing explained the odd precognitions the voice gave him, the strange accusatory claims made of the people around Remus who he personally thought he was quite fond of, the baffling times where the voice tried to talk to him like it was any other casual conversation. Even things like how Remus was told not to cross that section of the road, or was mentioned a pretty-looking butterfly behind Remus that he hadn’t even seen yet.

Nothing ticked all the boxes. Nothing gave him all the answers.

Remus was in college, low grades, a shitty apartment, few friends who hated his boyfriend and a boyfriend who hated his few friends, when he reached his own breaking point with himself.

His boyfriend walked into the apartment, expression bored and eyes uninterested. Remus smirked over at him.

“You get my deodorant?” he asked, standing from the couch.

He didn’t, the voice said.

“No,” said Neroli. Remus wasn’t disappointed.

“I guess you’ll have to deal with the consequences of not entertaining me, then,” he said with a sharp grin, gripping Neroli’s shirt and tugging him down for a kiss. His boyfriend responded, suitably fervently. Remus was just getting to the point of reaching for his boyfriend’s belt when the voice growled, quietly, as if it hadn’t meant for Remus to hear, Cheating bastard.

It startled Remus so badly he yanked back from Neroli like he’d been scalded. He earned a bemused look from his boyfriend.

“Why, uh— why didn’t you drop by the shops?” Remus asked, hating himself for considering listening to the menace inside his head. Neroli shrugged dully, moving into the kitchen. He peered into the fridge.

“Got caught up.”

“With what?” Remus blurted, then screamed at himself for opening his mouth. Neroli shot him a dirty look.

“What, do you expect me to explain every second of my day to you?” he asked irritably.

“Only the fun parts.” Remus shot him another suggestive, toothy grin. It was ignored.

Don’t listen to it, whispered Remus to himself. Don’t listen to it.

Ask him where he was on the night you were studying with Logan, the voice said in reply. Remus growled and shook his head. The voice persisted; Ask.

“You look distracted,” Neroli noted, but he sounded detached.

“Maybe I’m thinking about you under the sheets,” Remus said.

Neroli didn’t entertain him.

“Maybe you’re cheating on me,” said Remus with another grin, waiting for Neroli to give him a reaction. His boyfriend merely glanced over at him with a considering look.

“Actually,” he said, and Remus’ heart dropped against his will, “I’m going to my friend’s place. I made plans with her instead of getting groceries.” He walked past Remus and took his car keys from the entry table.

Remus still remembered the way he had felt nauseous, and the ferocious feeling that had washed over him that somehow felt like the voice sounded when Neroli had said, “By the way, I’m breaking up with you,” without so much as a glance over his shoulder. “And I want you gone from the apartment by the time I come back.”

Remus had found himself with his head in his hands on the couch for the next few hours, going through the motions. He didn’t cry. He hadn’t cried for a long time. He had felt numb, even as the voice had murmured apology after apology.

Eventually, Remus had got himself and his things together and moved from the place, a worn backpack all to show for his possessions. He had ignored the voice ordering him to find somewhere to eat, some shelter to sleep, the demands to call his friends and ask for help.

Remus had spent the night of Christmas Eve shivering on a park bench, bag for a pillow and his own arms as a blanket.

(He couldn’t deny that it was his fault when Neroli got into a car crash on his way back to his apartment that morning.)

Over the following years, with more scenarios such as that, Remus learned that it was best if people knew he was insane. If they knew that, if they knew he heard things, and caused horror everywhere he went, they would stay away. If people stayed away, they saved themselves from a bad time and Remus from having to watch anyone he’d gotten attached to leave.

He was sick of people leaving.

Somehow, amongst this mindset, he hadn’t quite managed to shake a scattered few of his old college friends.

Logan, a nerd with a prime attitude and punchable face and also the least emotionally available person Remus had encountered, was somehow one of Remus’ main sources of support. He had taken up tutoring Remus, against Remus’ better judgement, and he had constantly offered his own house as a place for Remus whenever he needed it. Not that Remus ever accepted any of this, mind you.

The only problem was — Logan was feisty. Almost as feisty as Janus, and just as feisty as Roman. His stubbornness matched Remus’ and it was near impossible to shake the guy from an idea once he was fixed on it.

It was kind of endearing.

(It was also very difficult, given Remus’ goal in life had become to stop hurting people he cared about.)

Logan also rambled a whole lot, which Remus liked. It drowned out the voice, still present after all these years. It had quietened considerably, if Remus thought about it. It seemed to have a strange opinion on Logan. Remus ignored it, nonetheless.

This particular afternoon, Remus found that he couldn’t keep ignoring the cursed phenomenon following him.

“Are you paying attention?” Logan asked.

Remus smirked, keeping his eyes on the path in front of him. He kicked the stone again, and it skittered up the pathway then waited like a faithful dog for Remus to catch up. “More or less. Meteorology, right?”

He could tell Logan was looking at him. He probably looked outwardly annoyed, but there would be an amused spark behind the rim of his glances that never escaped Remus. “More or less.”

Remus bobbed his head. “Then yeah, I was listening.”

Logan hummed in agreement but didn’t resume the conversation. They walked in companionable silence along the street path, accompanied merely by the padding of their shoes and the tap-tap-tap of Remus’ stone. The road beside them was quiet.

“Remus?” asked Logan.

“Hm?” Remus said.

Tap-tap.

“Why don’t you come to my house tonight?” Logan asked. “It is New Year’s Eve. The others will be there. I would like for you to have some company.”

Oh, I have company, grumbled Remus. And it won’t shut up.

The voice, as if to solely prove him wrong, remained silent. Remus may have felt some indignation on its behalf, however.

Tap-tap-tap.

“Maybe,” said Remus, which meant No.

“Please,” Logan said, because he knew.

“Logan,” sighed Remus, “you know how I—”

“Yes,” Logan interjected. “I know it distresses you to have companionship, but truly, it is not such the awful venture that you have convinced yourself it is.”

Remus sighed again, his shoulders sagging. He stopped walking and edged away from Logan, no longer happy to be alone with him. He didn’t know what to say.

He was too busy formulating some semblance of a reply to pay attention to the rising anxiety in the back of his mind and the distantly increasing screeching sound.

By the time the speeding car spun around the corner across the road, he was too slow to react.

MOVE, the voice screamed.

Remus couldn’t.

Logan might have shouted, but he sounded like he’d moved — further away from where he had been standing. Probably to somewhere safe. That was good, at least. Logan had something to offer the world, with that big brain of his.

The car skidded across the road, moving too fast to regain control. It sped forward, wheels rolling along the path, barreling towards the spot Remus was standing.

MOVE, his voice was shrieking. Crying. Begging.

Remus didn’t.

The car, by some logic, didn’t hit Remus.

The car didn’t hit Remus, because it hit something — Remus didn’t see what, and later Logan would agree — first, and flipped like a goddamn pencil being flung across a bored classroom. The hunk of metal flew into the air, the bottom turning to the sky and the roof glinting down at Remus beneath it—

And crashed to the asphalt metres away from where Remus was standing, completely unharmed.

He and Logan stood there, speechless, for a very long time.

The police, once having caught up to the hit-and-run escapee, deemed it an accident on the driver’s behalf. Remus and Logan were dismissed from the scene without being asked any questions. Remus hadn’t spoken a word since it had happened, anyway. Logan had been the one to text their friends and talk to the officers. He had then guided Remus back to his apartment, where the others were already hanging out. They greeted Remus at first but left him alone once being waved away by Logan. He was brought into Logan’s bedroom and set on the bed.

“Now,” Logan said without wasting a beat. “What. Was. That.”

Remus blinked up at him. He worked his jaw. Nothing came out.

Some expositional bullshit? he mentally asked hopefully. The only answer he got was what vaguely felt like the embodiment of a winded wheeze of an exhausted runner. Fantastic help.

“I would like some answers, Remus,” Logan said, and he looked almost angry. “Odd things have happened in your presence before but nothing like this. I watched a car run into nothing and flip as if it had crashed into a row of bollards. You otherwise would have been flattened. You should be dead, or at least in the hospital.” Cool hands cupped Remus’ cheeks, and steel blue eyes bored into him. “I am eternally grateful that that is not what has happened, but I need answers.”

Remus tried to talk but didn’t. Logan pulled back and began to pace.

“We already checked the surrounding area,” he began to mutter. “There was no lip on the pavement, nothing to cause such a graphic result. The car’s wheels aside from being burned from skidding were not damaged. I don’t understand what—”

“I’m cursed,” Remus finally croaked. Logan paused to look at him. “It’s me, I—”

“No,” Logan said. “You have tried to tell me this nonsense before, I will not—”

“It’s true,” Remus said vigorously. “It has happened for years, Logan. Every time something mildly inconveniences me, everything goes to shit. Someone on the other end of the street could look at me the wrong way and suddenly they’re tripping over their untied shoelaces and dropping their groceries into the road. My boss doesn’t give me enough hours and suddenly she’s firing the co-worker I hate and giving me their pay. I don’t understand it, Logan, but you can’t keep denying it.”

“Remus—”

“There’s a voice,” he blurted, because he never had much of a filter. “There’s this voice, too. It’s the same one, but I can’t really hear it, you know? Imagine a single intrusive thought, but it’s always saying different things and some of them aren’t even bad.”

Logan now looked concerned. “Remus—”

“It acts like it’s my friend. Like we’re old pals looking out of each other. I hate it, Logan! It’s the reason no one wants to be around me! It’s the reason I can’t trust anyone I meet, because either they’re going to find about me and leave or the voice will tell me something about them that I don’t want to know but it’ll end up being true—”

“Remus.” Logan was crouched in front of him, his hands squeezing his shoulders. “Please breathe. We will work this out.”

“You can’t,” Remus told him. “I have already gone to every doctor, every psychiatrist. The moment I was free of my parents I went to every damn qualified person in this place, for years, and none of them know what it is.

“I went to a goddamn psychic, Logan.” Remus laughed wetly, shaking his head. “That’s how desperate I was. Dumb, right?”

“You are not dumb,” Logan said, and he said it with so much ferocity that it took Remus a moment to realise the voice had said the same thing, much quieter. “You’re troubled. You’re— you just need to find the right answers.”

“I don’t even know what questions I’m asking, anymore,” Remus said, and hated how broken he sounded. He pressed his forehead to Logan’s chest when he stood. “So I don’t know what answers we’re talking about.”

“We’ll figure out something,” promised Logan. “I promise.”

Remus closed his eyes, so tears wouldn’t get past. They stayed like that until Patton tentatively knocked on the door to ask them if they wanted to count down for the new year.

They did. They counted down, and cheered, and danced and sang and Remus drank until he passed out on the couch, snuggled between Janus and Logan. He didn’t even mind waking up the next morning with a throbbing headache.

Virgil referred Remus to his therapist, a cheery moron with an obsession with pink and cartoons. He seemed less focused on diagnosing Remus and simply talking. He referenced a lot of things Remus didn’t know. The voice seemed to like him — not that Remus cared about its opinions. Remus thought that maybe he liked talking to him.

Somewhere along the line, Remus and Logan started dating. Remus wasn’t sure how it had happened, either. He was fairly sure they had been reading on the carpet, and then the next moment they were pressed against the wall, down each other’s throats, so… Remus wasn’t exactly complaining.

There were bad days, where the voice hadn’t even done anything wrong and yet Remus clawed at his skull. Bad days, where he and Logan fought for real, which scared Remus (he wasn’t easy to scare, either.) At one point, Janus had picked a fight with the wrong group of people and got himself a concussion, which he recovered from fine, but sent Remus to bed with nightmares of blank eyes and bloodied skin for weeks after.

Eventually the dreams stopped, but Remus knew he hadn’t completely recovered when he found himself in the bathroom of an empty apartment, watching white porcelain run red.

Stop it. Remus still had little to no clue how so much as a voice could sound as if it was an aggravated wolf pacing in a tiny metal cage. You need to stop.

Don’t tell me what to do, Remus thought.

Don’t make me stop you myself.

Yeah, Remus thought with a scoff to himself. Good luck with that.

Remus. Please.

Remus shook himself, as if he could physically shake the voice from his head and continued. The voice went quiet.

Time passed, peacefully, blissfully quiet. The sink was stained further.

Remus was almost letting himself relax, but then the door slammed open, somehow, in the middle of the empty apartment, and Logan was standing in the doorway, looking furious, in the empty apartment.

“You said you were fine,” said Logan. Remus felt like a child caught with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. Crusty, bloody cookies. “You. Said—” Logan crossed the room and gripped Remus’s slick wrist in his— “that you were fine.”

“I am!” Remus protested. “I’m just—”

“You are NOT!” Logan roared. Remus flinched back. Logan stilled, then paled. Remus squinted at his far away gaze and wondered in horror why Logan looked as if he was listening to something. “I’m sorry for yelling,” he said quietly, “but you are not okay.”

Remus scowled and looked down at the sink he had ruined.

Logan hummed softly. “I’m going to call your therapist.” Remus whirled on him. “Just to book an earlier appointment, okay? I know you don’t like anyone helping you clean up.”

Remus scowled again. Logan brushed a cool hand across his chin and kissed his cheek. He pulled the medical kit from the cupboard and unpacked the bandages and antiseptic. He instructed Remus he was going to leave the door open. Remus silently got to work cleaning himself up.

Once Logan was out of sight (though Remus could hear him in the kitchen), Remus thought accusatorily, What did you do?

The voice said, without an ounce of regret or pride, I stopped you.

Stop interfering with my life. Whatever-the-fuck you are.

Somewhere, you’ve confused ‘protecting’ with ‘interfering.’

Remus threw the bottle of antiseptic across the room. It smashed against the wall and spilled across the bathtub. “SHUT UP,” he roared.

“Remus?” Logan called.

Get the fuck away from me, Remus growled before Logan hurried into the room.

“What is it?”

Remus shook his head. He couldn’t answer. He never did.

One night, Remus sat on the edge of his bed, staring across the room. The wall was bare. It let him concentrate on what he was thinking. For once, he started talking first.

You’re not a guardian angel.

No.

You’re not a demon, unfortunately.

Certainly not.

Then what the hell are you?

As usual every time Remus asked, the voice did not give him an answer. Remus ground his teeth until his jaw ached.

If there was one thing Remus had been certain of in the duration of his entire life thus far, it was that the voice in his head was nothing but trouble. Irritating, infuriating, no-good trouble. It only ever ruined his relationships, got him into sticky situations, told him things that he didn’t want to hear, even if it seemed to think it would help.

The first time the voice was helpful, Remus also felt like his entire mindset had been flipped.

Remus and Logan had been fighting. Worse than usual. Logan was blinking faster than he normally would. Remus was chewing his lip to bloody tatters. He wasn’t sure who had yelled, or what had been yelled, but suddenly it was silent. Logan and Remus stared at each other. Then Logan inhaled shakily and turned.

Remus’ arm shot out and gripped Logan’s wrist. Logan shot him a dark look, but Remus couldn’t explain himself. His voice had completely abandoned him. He worked his jaw. Logan’s eyebrows drew further together.

Remus, for the love of the clovers we picked and weaved as children, kiss him dizzy before I send you both through the window in a fit of pent up frustration-driven rage.

Their lips clashed and locked in a startling display of star-danced vision and warm hands linked at the fingers.

Remus forgot about the voice, about the curse. He forgot about every time he had let someone in only to be hurt, every boyfriend who had taken his heart in their hands and clenched their fists. He forgot every time he and Logan had fought; every time Remus had told himself that it was all a mistake. He even forgot about the constant buzz in the back of his head.

For once in Remus’ life, his mind was quiet.

It was that night, with Logan’s body pressed against his side, staring up at the ceiling, that Remus wordlessly reached for the voice in his head. Somehow, even though he felt nothing and heard no voice, it seemed as if his hand had been grasped.

Remus lay there and maybe for the first time, wasn’t entirely sure he hated the voice in his head.

The voice didn’t remain silent after that night, but it did quieten slightly. Remus made no move to communicate with it.

One day, though, when it was storming outside and Remus needed a distraction because his wrists were itching and his eyes were seeing blood every time he blinked, he spoke.

“You picked clovers.”

We did.

“You did,” Remus corrected, not quite ready to have it spelled out for him.

Yes, said the voice quietly after a moment.

“You’re a voice.”

I have a voice, yes.

“In my head.”

Well, technically—

Remus clenched his fists, frustrated. It seemed to get his point across.

Yes. I suppose.

For a moment, they were both silent. Remus didn’t outright state what he was thinking, but he wondered if something with connections to his mind could work it out.

I can try and prove it, the voice said dubiously. Remus didn’t reply. Lightning flashed outside, accompanied by a low rumble that ratted the house.

Then, from within the bedroom, a low creeeeeak.

Remus looked around dully, too apathetic to be disturbed. His eyes widened, however, when he watched the bedside table’s top drawer sliding open.

“That was locked,” he said. He stood up, his heart beginning to lodge itself in his throat. He staggered around the bed towards the drawer. “No, wait— Not even Logan can get in there— Stop it!”

Something, somehow, slipped from the drawer. Remus practically dove for it before it could crack against the floor and shatter irreparably.

“What do you think you’re—” Remus’ voice swallowed itself back into his chest when he made the mistake of looking down at the picture frame. He snarled against his lumpy throat and tore his eyes from the pair of younger, happier, brighter twins printed on paper. He shoved it back in its drawer and slammed it closed. He pulled himself up to lean against it.

The thunder rumbled again. Remus needed something to ground himself.

“You never told me who you were.” His voice cracked.

A pause.

You never asked, the voice said weakly. Remus felt something inside him erupt.

“What sort of BULLSHIT REASON—”

There was a knock at the bedroom door. “Rem?” called Janus’ voice.

Remus shook his head. “Just— give me a second. I need to uh—” he laughed nonchalantly, “yell at my thoughts for a bit.”

Janus sounded hesitant when he slowly said, “Okay,” but he didn’t press anything.

Remus listened to his fading footsteps and muffled conversation before whirling around as if he were actually facing someone and hissing venomously, “You are very lucky you’re incorporeal otherwise I’d— I’d—”

Kill me over again? the voice supplied.

Remus broke down. Completely against his will, if he had been able to add his own input between the sobs tearing from his throat.

I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, bad wording, horrible word choice, I—

“Why didn’t you SAY ANYTHING?” Remus roared.

What would you have liked me to say? That apparently one accident is enough for a spirit to form and develop a connection with their only blood relative?

“Better that than all this— this— mysterious bullshit my entire life!”

You already thought you were crazy! Roman yelled, a little hysterically. How do you think that would have helped? ‘Oh hello, don’t mind me, just your dead brother’s ghost haunting you through your grief.’

Remus wasn't sure how he’d never noticed it before — maybe he wasn’t paying enough attention, maybe now that he knew he was actively listening for it, or maybe he had even subconsciously suppressed thoughts like the one he was about to admit to himself — but now if he listened, really listened, he could hear Roman in the voice. The way his voice would get higher when upset, and the baritones of his indignation.

Remus didn’t realise he was sobbing harder until he heard both Logan and Roman’s voices overlapping, concern and worry swimming in his head.

Please breathe, Remus, you’re working yourself into a panic attack.

Like you would know anything about that, Remus said.

I would, retorted Roman’s voice, without fire.

“What is it, dear?” Logan was asking, his cool hands tracing Remus’ face. “What’s happened?”

Remus looked up at him, tears rolling down his cheeks, and said with a wet laugh, “I’ve worked out what the asshole voice is all about.”

Logan had led Remus into the kitchen and pressed a warm mug into his hands. Remus had absentmindedly wiggled the cup, watching the dark liquid inside ripple. After making sure Remus was recovering, Logan had ducked from the room to talk to Janus.

“Tell me,” Remus growled quietly. He didn’t elaborate. He knew that he was understood. Still, everything was quiet.

You know when people say your life flashes before your eyes?

Remus did. He didn’t say as much, but he did.

Well, it doesn’t. You don’t have time.

Remus tried not to think about how little time there would have been. How scary it could have looked, could have felt. His clasped hands turned white at the knuckles. “What did you think about?”

A sizable pause, but not one without the comforting ever-constant buzzing hum of the voice’s presence.

You, was the final admission, with no preamble. Logan, too, I think. Our family must have a thing for hot nerds, eh?

“You had a crush on Logan,” Remus said hollowly.

Only a little one.

“That’s… That doesn’t help.”

Sorry. He sounded genuinely apologetic.

“You’ve been fucking with me for years and you don’t seem to have much to apologise for it,” Remus mused.

Sorry, Roman said again, sounding even more like a remorseful kicked puppy.

Remus sighed long and low. His mug tapped roughly against the table as he shoved it away from him to bury his face in his hands. “I can’t believe any of this.”

He wasn’t sure that thinking the weird phantom warmth was ghosting over his shoulders was going to do anything good for his deteriorating sense of control over his emotions.

Tell me what to do, said Roman. Please.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut. He swallowed.

“Stay,” was all he could say. “Just. For a while.”

Unfortunately or not, you’re going to be stuck with me for quite a while.

Remus sniffed.

Very unfortunate, he agreed with a hint of a smile.

#sanders sides #remus sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #creativitwins #intrulogical #background virgil sanders #background patton sanders #background janus sanders #tw car accident #tw self harm #tw mention of mental illness #ghost fic #fanfic #long post #cross posted on ao3 #mentioned one-sided logince #tw language

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dreamii-yume · 4 years

Note

Hi! ¿Could I order a one shot yandere from Azul with Ariel? (Or you can put s / n hehe. The one that is most comfortable foto You ewe) I always wondered how Azul would be with her Childhood love (Ariel protected him from teasing but she doesn't know him very much) when he found out that she fell in love with a human (Eric). Sorry I like ti see the world burn 7v7. Greetings! :D and sorry for My horrible english TwT

“She doesn’t know him very much” Yup, I definitely fucked this request up, didn’t I? I was just writing and I realized I was straying away from the original request Σ੧(❛□❛✿) But I was too lazy to start over so, sorry about this Anon~! (´；Д；`)

Damn, this was a very interesting request! I had fun writing this!

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Azul’s Darling had always been there for him since they were children! Protecting him from bullies when he could not and encouraging him in his darkest times. Azul could not ask for better blessing such as his Darling! However, Darling was a mermaid who had always been fascinated by the land. But this time, she got a bit too curious and had fallen so blindly in love with a mere human! It seems that Azul has to teach her the hard way of what it means to face one’s consequences.

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

“Ow!”

Azul heard the annoying voice of one merchild cried out. He and other merchildren all gathered around his pot again, having nothing else but to take pleasure in teasing and insulting him. Azul looked up with teary eyes, proof that he had been holding back his tears all this time. The merchild rubbed his head, trying to ease the pain coming from it. Azul looked down and saw a seashell, someone seemed to have thrown this at him, though forgive Azul for not feeling a single bit of sympathy for the merchild.

“Who was that!? That really hurts, you know!”

Everyone looked around trying to find the culprit, Azul did too, curious of the events unfolding. However, instead of showing themselves, many more seashells have come raining down upon them. Azul hid down his pot, as he did not want to get hit, leaving the group of merchildren panicking on how they’re going to defend against the attack. Though, peeking from the pot, Azul’s once teary eyes sparkled in amusement as the bullies he hated so much was now pathetically squirming in front of him. It made him want to laugh but he managed to restrain himself.

“Let’s get out of here! Azul must have done something using one of his disgusting tentacles!”

Azul narrowed his eyebrows, irritated at the fact that these merchildren even has the nerve to pick the blame on him. Well, even if he was at fault, they should’ve seen it coming. And so, they swam away with their long tails, retreating cowardly for a mere rain of seashells. Serves them right for being such bullies, Azul sincerely hopes they get at least a little bit injured. Morbid thought for a child, but who can blame him?

Azul looked around, his place that was once so empty and clean was now covered in seashells. He sighed, though the culprit had driven his bullies away, they certainly created quite a mess. He was thankful that the shells were somehow beautiful to look at, or else, he would’ve been the one to get seriously in trouble for littering. Speaking of the culprit, he never actually saw anyone that could’ve done the deed. Just in time with his line of thoughts, Azul heard a mischievous giggle from behind him.

“Hehe! My plan worked!”

Azul blinked, taking the time to study this particular merchild who was clearly unfamiliar to him. Her tail shone a beautiful shade of color as the sway back in forth in the water, she wore intriguing accessories from her wrist and fingers, her hair was flowing gracefully from every slight movements, and her skin looked very smooth and youthful. Most importantly, Azul couldn’t help but gaze on her face as she laughed, thinking of how adorable her smile was. He didn’t say anything to her though, and just waited until she calmed her laughter, silently admiring her figure not too far from himself. Once she regained her normal breathing, she instantly freezes up when she noticed that Azul was looking at her.

She flushed red in embarrassment and scratched the back of her neck, feeling silly. “Ah, I guess someone still saw me…My bad!” She said, nonchalantly and began to swim towards him. Azul quickly tensed up and backed away, his guard was up in an instant. “Hey, are you okay? I heard those kids saying some pretty mean things to you so, I thought of stepping in.”

“Well, I ended up not showing myself anyway…” She laughed, her voice was sweet and somehow enchanting to hear.

But Azul still kept his guard up on her, he wasn’t going to risk a way for this mermaid to be all friendly with him. For all he knows, she could be as crude as her species. Azul followed her with his eyes as she swam to grab one beautiful seashell. “My plan was just to scare them; these seashells don’t hurt much anyway...” She said and looked at him with an apologetic look. “I realized that I might’ve included you in my prank. Were you hit? I’m sorry.”

Azul sink deeper into his pot as if he wanted to disappear from her presence, or at least wanted her to just leave him be. However, being the curious child she is, she went closer to him about to ask more questions until she got a good look at him. “Hm? Huh?” She blinked, looking down at one squishy limb of his. “Tentacles...?”

She soon realized what she was looking at and widened her eyes, letting out a loud and dramatic gasp. “Ah! You’re a Cecaelia!” Azul flinched at her voice as he grits his teeth in irritation. It was a reaction that he expected from people who doesn’t know him. If she end up following the same pattern, he knew that this mermaid would end up joining his bullies for the fun of it, ultimately leaving him all alone when they get bored.

However, this strange mermaid curiously swam all around him, trying to take a closer look in his anatomy. “Wow~! Amazing! You’re a real cecaelia! Like the Benevolent Sea Witch from the Great Seven! It’s my first time seeing one!” She cheered, her eyes sparkling, her observation was making Azul feel self-consious even more. Then, she faces him, looking directly at his eyes. “Hey, can you move all tentacles at once? Can I touch one of them? What’s your name?”

Azul’s face flushed as he felt overwhelmed by her presence and never-ending questions that he resorted into pushing her away. “W-What do you want!?” He yelled, backing away as far as possible. The mermaid stumbled a little before noticing his scared, teary eyes. “Why did you come here for!? Tell me so you can go away already!”

The mermaid tilted her head to the side, blinking in confusion. “...What do you mean?” She said.

“You drove those bullies away because you expected to be rewarded, right? Just tell me what you want and leave me alone!” Azul yelled, aggressively as his reasoning only made the mermaid raised her eyebrow in confusion.

“Eeh? Rewarded? I’m not really...” She trailed off, putting a hand on her mouth, thinking of what she’s going to say next. She then snapped her fingers as an idea came lighting itself on her head. She swam close to him again but this time, she made sure to keep a safe distance as to not bother his personal space again. “Reward, huh? Then...”

“Be my friend!”

Azul blinked, his mind processing what the eccentric mermaid has said. “...Excuse me?” Azul muttered, tilting his head to the side. Was that all she wants? To be a mere acquaintance of his? A simple form of friendship and nothing else? No, there must be some kind of trick to this!

“A friend! I want to be your friend! And if you’re asking for what kind of reward I want, then I want you to become my friend! It’s as simple as that!” You cheerfully explained, Azul’s over critical mindset was contrasting with your idealistic point of view.

“T-That’s it? If I were you, I would’ve taken advantage of this, you know.” Azul warned her, his face not understanding her intentions at all. “You’re not going to ask me to do your homework for you? Make a certain type of potion? A spell? Anything else?”

The mermaid looked at him as if he was crazy. “Wha-!? No, of course not! What kind of life we’re you living up until now...” She said, sweat dropping, feeling kind of bad for the state of Azul’s mind. Then, she went closer to him, thankfully, the cecaelia didn’t move away like before. She then gently took Azul’s squishy hands onto hers, the boy taking note of how soft it felt around his. “Let’s start again, what’s your name, Cecaelia-kun?”

Azul stayed silent for a while, at first, he never had any intention of saying his name to a stranger but looking deep into her eyes, she was mesmerizing. She holds great kindness and patience in those eyes, it was very compelling. “...A-Azul.” He muttered but loud enough for the mermaid to hear. “Azul Ashengrotto.”

This made the mermaid smile, an adorable, happy smile. Azul could feel his heart beat faster than normal as his face flushed red. He wondered if he was about catch a cold soon. “Nice to meet you, Azul-kun~! I’m (Y/N).” She introduced herself, hands still in hers. “Let’s be friends!”

This was how this particular day had set a personal space on Azul’s heart, mind, and soul. A special day that he recognizes soon in his life. The first time he properly interacted with a genuinely kind and beautiful mermaid. The first time someone so warm held his hand and not being disgusted on how cold it was. Yes, this was truly the day the was more important to Azul than any other holiday in his life.

It was the day he met you.

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Ever since that fateful day, Azul was automatically attracted to you. He found your request to be ridiculous, all because he couldn’t understand why, and he wasn’t planning to take it seriously. However, he soon found himself taking on that exact role. Your personality was probably what interested him to bear with you, so cheerful yet so graceful. Before he knew it, he was having fun bonding with you and learning all sorts of stuff about you.

On that same day you met him, you had recently moved to Coral Sea, thus the reason why Azul has not seen you before. He found out that you grew up in a strict, yet loving family, that alone was enough to explain to him the practiced elegance in your form. You were the youngest out of your sisters whose names he didn’t bother to remember, you were the most interesting out of the siblings anyway. However, there was one little quirk about you that Azul did find strange. Something that he usually wouldn’t expect a resident in the bottom of the sea to have.

It was your extreme fascination above the sea, in the land, where humans reside.

When such topic starts, Azul has to live through that dreamy look on your face, fantasizing what it’s like to be on the land. You could talk for hours on end about the humans’ inventions, despite the fact that Azul thought that the deep ocean already has their own versions of that said item. However, he did dismiss your fascination as a simple, child-like addiction you have, nothing to really worry about. Instead, on times like these, Azul would pretend to listen but in truth, he was just quietly listening to your enchanting voice, not your actual words. Though, he wishes that you could talk just as much about him rather than worshipping some creature who could walk on two legs.

As time pass, the two of you grew closer and closer, your bonds deepen with every interaction. Little did you know that not only does your friendship grows, but also Azul’s undying and desperate love for you, slowly twisting into that of an obsession. Even when the Leech Brothers came in, he could not think of them more than mere acquaintances, you still remained to be the most important in his heart. Azul strived to be better just for you, who have done a lot for him, helping him gain back the confidence he once lost. He worked hard in sports, erasing his overweight self and mastered the art of studying and making high quality potions like the infamous Sea Witch.

Azul strived to become the better version of himself just for you.

Of course, Azul became insanely overprotective of you as time goes on. Once he developed his unique magic, he targeted any mermen who dares to make a move on you and trap them into one of his contracts, with knowledge of their weakness in mind. You would wonder why that one merman in your school had suddenly traded their long and fast tail just for a silky flock of blonde hair. Azul would only shrug whenever you would ask why they would make such a deal with him, saying it’s a confidential thing. You would never suspect him at playing quite unfairly with his deals at all, he was just doing his job with Floyd and Jade chuckling mischievously in background.

You did not have to know. After all, everything he had done has been for you.

Not too long later, Azul and the Leech Brothers had received their invitation to the prestigious school, Night Raven College. They were to be sent out by the ebony carriage anytime soon and Azul would not forget how cute and salty your face looked.

“How nice~! I’m so jealous!” You puffed your cheek as Azul merely raised an amused eyebrow at her behavior. “Night Raven College...You, Floyd, and Jade get to go on land and have legs!”

“Azul~! Take me with you~!”

Azul chuckled at her and pat her head, easing her pouting self. “You know I can’t do that. Night Raven College is an all-boys school and only chosen students with a high affiliation with magic gets to attend such school.” He explained, calmly but your disappointed pout would not leave your face. Azul thought it was adorable, if only he has a camera that could treasure that look on your face. “How about this? I’ll come visit during spring break and I’ll make sure to bring you some land items that will surely intrigue you.”

With those simple words, your eyes sparkled and your mood changes almost immediately. Azul really knows how to bring you back up. “Really!? You’ll do that for me!?” You exclaimed, excitedly.

“Of course, anything for you, my dear.” Azul smiled at you, watching as you cheered, going back to your usual self. You then wrapped your arms around his waist as a sign of appreciation. Azul had to physically resist himself not to just stuff you in his luggage to bring you wherever he goes.

“Thank you, Azul! I’ll be waiting for you always!” You said, looking up at him with shining eyes. “I’ll miss you.”

Azul leaned down on you and gently kissed you on the forehead, a daring move but you weren’t one to misunderstood such gesture. You thought it was normal move for best friends as close as the two of you are. Unknown to you however, Azul wished desperately that it was your lips that he could smooch on and not just restrain himself on your forehead.

“I’ll miss you too, (Y/N). Take care of yourself.”

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Azul had always looked forward to spring break just to see you again rather than his family. He wished he could come home during winter break too, but just as Floyd states, it is a very troublesome task to do so. His first time going home during spring break last year, he was blessed from seeing you so happy and swimming around him. He gave you his promised items, watching on how you curiously examine each one of them. He wanted to laugh as they were just simple, everyday items from the land but he made sure to never give you any low-quality ones. Heavens, he would never dare give you anything low of worth, you deserved the best of everything after all.

This year too, Azul was very eager to come home, he made sure to finish all his homework before going out. He wanted to spend the whole spring break with you after all, he didn’t want something as bothersome as homework get in between that time. Azul may look calm as he stood in front of the dark mirror that would take him back to Coral Sea but the Leech Brothers behind him only chuckled as they know exactly how utterly excited he was on the inside. He gripped his luggage tighter, full of the land items he promised to bring you. He couldn’t wait to see how happy you would look this time.

Arriving at Coral Sea along with the twins, his predictions had been on point once again as he was the first person he saw. “Azul! Floyd! Jade!” You exclaimed with a smile on your face as you swam towards them. Floyd and Jade gave their own way of greeting her, Jade being polite while Floyd is the complete opposite. Finally, you turned to him and Azul had already prepared for the usual hug you would give him every time he would come home.

But there was none this time.

Azul blinked, a smile still remained on his face to mask his confusion as you merely swam towards him, waving and smiling. “Welcome back, Azul! How’s the dorm head life so far?” You greeted. “I heard you opened up a restaurant? As expected of Azul!”

It delayed Azul half a second to answer before giving her the proper response, save for the little stutter he made at the first word. He was a bit disappointed that she didn’t tackle him into an embrace like last time, it even feels like her excitement had really gone down. This made Azul suspicious for sure, was she not happy to see him or...?

There was definitely something wrong.

If Azul hadn’t been suspicious before, the fact that you only smiled at the land items he got you was surely something that can raised someone’s attention. He wasn’t the only one too, Floyd and Jade felt the same but they chose not to speak about it. “Ah...I’ve heard one of these! I never thought I’ll ever see one...” You said with less excitement in your voice, causing Azul an even greater worry. What happened while he was away, he wonders. Does he have any business he has to take care of for you?

It was only after three days that Azul began to notice your actions were not corresponding with your past self. You seemed to be almost in a daze when you’re on your own and in some days that you were not, it feels like you were hesitating to talk to him. Azul wanted to ask you personally on what was bothering you but he didn’t want to pry too much. He wanted to wait for you to talk to him yourself, was there anything he could do for you? Azul had always been patient with you and this time as well, he shall wait for you to speak up.

Then, the time finally happened.

“A-Azul...” You called, Azul instantly knew that you were finally going to confess what you have in your mind this past few days. Azul looked at you with a smile, a smile that he made so innocent just for you. The Leech Twins were in the same room as well, but you seem to not mind having them listening. Perhaps it was the fact that you’ve known them along with Azul and that they don’t care much for any secret you might have.

“Yes, (Y/N)?” He asked, delighted that you were finally speaking up to him.

Azul noticed how you gulped as a final evidence of hesitation. You looked up at him. “You...Can do anything, right?” You said, your eyes now looking serious like you just finally accepted your fate.

Azul raised an eyebrow. “Well...I wouldn’t say anything unfortunately...Just things possible to do by my hands so I prefer the term, mostly anything.” He corrected, observing as how your mood changes depending on what he says. “Why? Is there anything you want?”

You fidgeted for a while before finally opening your mouth, Azul noticed your tail swinging a bit too much today. “...Legs. A pair of legs to take me up the surface!” You said with a determined look on your face. “I want to make a deal with you, Azul!”

Now that caught Azul’s attention, even the Leech brothers were quite shock at your sudden request. Was this the day Azul had been looking forward to? The deal that bounds you forever with him if you happen to fail? However, his darling (Y/N) wanted to go to the land, isn’t that a bit dangerous for a mermaid who had been swimming on the bottom of the ocean for all her life? Azul narrowed his look at her, showing his distaste for her plan as he cleared his throat.

“I know you’ve been fascinated by the land ever since we were children but...I didn’t think you would go as far as change a part of you for such thing.” Azul said, his voice was laced with disappointment that it made you flinch. “But do tell me (Y/N), why now? Out of all the times you could’ve done before?”

To his surprise, your cheeks flushed and a heartwarming smile appeared in your face. “...Because I found him.” You timidly whispered as you put on a dreamy expression. “A guy that I love!”

Azul froze, his hands almost dropped what they were holding as in that moment, he felt something in him broke. He slowly looked up at her with a dangerous look on his dilated pupils that unfortunately went unnoticed as you were sucked in on your own dream world. “Pardon...?” He quietly muttered, his voice trying to calm themselves upon hearing the words that he thought his darling would never say. Floyd and Jade immediately recognized the change of atmosphere in the room but not you. “What...did you say?”

“A guy, Azul! A human! He visited Coral Sea just a few weeks ago with a use of a water-breathing potion!” You enthusiastically told him, it was as if you were holding these words back all this time, thus the reason why your energy felt overwhelming. This was the (Y/N) that Azul knew, eccentric and happy, but the cause of this is definitely not what he wants. “He got lost so I helped him and we ended up hanging out! I can’t believe how good-looking and nice he was! Just like a prince from a fairytale!”

With every compliment this unknown guy gets from you, Azul could feel himself so close to snapping. Good-looking? Nice? You have horrible taste, not to mention the possibility of those traits being a mere facade! It disgusts him to no end that this guy was even coming out of your own mouth. “He taught me a lot of things about the land, some of which I’ve never known about!” You continued and Azul had to seriously restrain himself from slamming his hand on your mouth to stop you from talking. “This must be fate, Azul! Like what the little mermaid must’ve felt when she met the human prince!”

“That’s why, I want to have a pair of legs and go to the land! I want to meet him again!” You went closer to Azul, your eyes begging him to answer her plea. “Please, Azul! I know I’m being selfish but I swear this is a one-time thing! I’m never going to ask for anything like this anymore!”

“Make me a part of that world, Azul!”

Azul looked down at you as you gripped his sleeves with a desperate look on your eyes. How frustrating, if only you were this desperate for him like he was to you, maybe things would’ve gone a lot more smoothly. His eyes glared at your expression behind those glasses of his before sighing. “...Three days.” He said, holding up three fingers in front of your face. You blinked up at him, wondering what he meant. “I’ll give you legs and even take you to the land. I’ll even go as far as let you live in my dorm during all of that.”

Before you can cheer in victory, Azul continued, not giving you a chance to even let out a single word. “If you truly believe that you and that guy are destined together, then I’ll use that as your condition.” Azul said, his eyes cold and dark. “After you sign my contract, I will give you three days to make this human fall in love with you and seal it a kiss.”

“Only then will I give you the ability to change from a mermaid and a human anytime you want.”

“T-Three days...!?” You widened your eyes at the outrageous condition. “T-That’s...!”

“Impossible? But (Y/N), don’t you remember?” Azul smirked as he gave you a close-eyed smile but it looks so sinister from your sight. “The little mermaid was in the same position as you are and the benevolent sea witch was gracious enough to give her the same condition. In the end, she did succeed on achieving the life she wanted, correct?”

You pursed your lips together, thinking about what he just said. “If this was truly fate like you said then I do believe that you can do what the little mermaid had done.” Azul said, his voice cunning and manipulative. “After hearing all of that, do you still think three days are impossible?”

You looked down and slowly shook your head. “...No.” You said and looked up at him, this time with a determined smile. “I can do it!”

“Such determination, a trait that I personally liked about you.” Azul praised, keeping his eyes close as to not show how much evil he was plotting inside his head.

“I’ll have you know that just because you are a precious friend of mine, you are not going to special treatment from me.” He said, his lips smiling so cruelly. “Favoritism is not good for business, after all. You’ll have to pay the usual fee.”

“It’s fine! I’ll pay! Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you! Anything!” You desperately nodded your head, ready to take any risk. Azul smirk got wider.

“Then, I’ll take your voice.” He said. “I’ll have to take your voice as compensation for your request.”

You widened your eyes and wondered on why Azul would’ve wanted such a specific request. Your voice was not the most beautiful in the ocean, so why? Sure, it would’ve be harder for you to clear the task without a voice, but sometimes love needs no words, right? You decided to not get swayed by any form of hesitation in your mind this time and nodded. “I’ll accept that.” You said, brimming with confidence.

Azul looked delighted by your choice as always before opening his eyes, ready to kill your short-lived happiness. “Finally, one last thing.” He said. “You do know what will happen should you fail this contract, yes?”

You froze as you almost forgot about that part, but you mentally prepared yourself. This is where Azul took a deep breath and chuckled, everything was going rather smoothly for such a deal with an overwhelming amount of risks. “You’ve been my close friend for a long time now, haven’t you?” He said as he leaned close to your face, just inches away. You gulped as a chill went up your spine, somehow this was akin to that of making a deal with a devil rather than a sea witch. “I’m sure you’ve already known by now what kind of consequence I tell of my clients once they fail.”

You backed away from him, a wary look on your face. “...Being bounded to you forever...Right?” You said but shook your head, recklessly dismissing it. “...I’ll take it! I can definitely make my prince fall in love with me within three days and without my voice! If not, I can be your slave or whatever!”

Azul chuckled, patting your head like he usually does back then. “Then, I’ll look forward working with you, (Y/N).” He said as Floyd and Jade smirked in background, the two of them were already intelligent enough to know what their dorm head was planning. “Make sure that you won’t have to regret this deal, yes?”

It’s time for you to know the true nature of a sea witch.

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Continue with the spice~?

I feel like I’m going to jinx myself again once I set another deadline for myself but I was born to suffer so the estimated date of release of the next request is on June 23

#yandere #yandere twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto #yandere azul ashengrotto #sinfic #twisted wonderland #spicy dream #octavinelle

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itzagothamcitysiren · 4 years

Text

There’s Only Us Left Now

I’m so excited to finally post this and expand the Batfamily!!!! I really love writing Tim and he just needs more love than he gets.

This arc is heavily inspired by the song Sidekick by Rancid. I don’t think the song was meant to be about Tim (seeing as the singers name is also Tim) but like, it’s about Tim lol. I love punk rock and Rancid is one of my favorite bands. Their song Sidekick has always been a favorite because this is literally the lyrics to the chorus “I had a dream I was a vigilante's side kick/ My name is Tim, I'm a lesser-known character/I had a dream I was a vigilante's side kick/Fighting crime in the streets together”

So like, you see my point. This song is about Tim lol. Rancid is a really good band and you should totally go out and check out there song. The link for it is here!

I Had a Dream I Was a Vigilante's Side Kick pt. 1

Halley Wilson would never be the first to admit it out loud but there were moments in her life where she wished she had never stopped playing dress up; moments where she wished she had never stopped pretending to be a hero. Looking back at the long nights spent in costume, jumping from rooftop to rooftop, Halley wondered if that was what little kids felt like when they were children playing make believe. And she now wondered if the feelings of fondness but almost embarrassment brought by those memories were average side effects people caught when growing up and looked back at their childhood?

Her breath hitched in her throat as she pondered the idea. Her eyes looked around the busy but hush room she found herself in. She was uncertain, feeling the feeling she hadn’t in years start to build up and bubble inside of herself. She wanted to cave into herself and disappear. She couldn’t really compare her time as the vigilante Nightshade to simple child’s play. Trying to do so was childish in itself.

Halley’s eyes flickered back down to the screen of her laptop, the document still not nearly as full as she had hoped it would be at this point. She grunted, wishing her mind wasn’t so randomly out of sorts and could actually focus on the task at hand. Even if it had been two years since her boyfriend’s death, she was just asking for it by moving back to Gotham. She should’ve known that the past would’ve caught up to her eventually and there was no true escape. She thought that she could live in the city as a normal civilian but who was she kidding?

There was no such thing as a normal civilian in Gotham City, she laughed to herself as she blew a strand of brown hair out of her face and biting down on her lip.

Her eyes trailed but up from the screen and to the girl sitting across from her. The girl, her best friend, Sam, was still completely oblivious that Halley was on high alert as they sat in a comfortable booth towards the center wall. School papers and textbooks littered the table accompanying half-finished coffees and barely touched sandwiches.

Just as Sam hadn’t picked up on Halley’s current state and she also hadn’t picked up on the complete reversal of personality between the two girls. Sam was dead set on finishing what they had come here to do having been the one who insisted on coming her to begin with. The dark skinned girl was dead set on finishing her mid-term paper and long forgot about the food after a few bits and only chugging down the now cold liquid to fuel her brain.

The paper was due sooner than she liked. Sam knew she had once had plenty of time to finish it but now was forced to cram it all in a matter of a couple of days on top of all her other classwork. She knew that the anxiety she felt now was no one’s fault but her own. She was easily distracted and there was just something about the setting of a coffee shop that made her focus.

Her phone, which now rest guarded in Halley’s pocket, was the number one villain in her escapades in writing this damned paper. She was self-indulgent and couldn’t stop herself from picking it up and checking on the world if it was in site of her. And then there was also trying to do schoolwork in their dorm. How could one focus when there was a TV that could be turned on and watched? Or all the other things that weren’t so boring that she could do inside? Even the school library couldn’t get her in the right mindset to focus.

But here she was completely emerged in her laptop, writing word after word, paragraph after paragraph; she’d be done by the end of the day possibly if she kept this up. It was the complete opposite of her normal self but she wasn’t complaining. She was too focused to even think about complaining or to notice Halley’s matching state of food and drink.

Halley look up again and into the bustling café. Her eyes carefully looked back to the spot in the far back corner that had been the cause of her distracted being. Her eyes didn’t linger long as her instincts and years of training knew better than to. But even with the quick glance there was no denying it. She was completely aware why her paper was still left untouched for nearly twenty minutes now. There was no denying the fact that they were being watched and that they were being followed.

Halley was not only mad at this fact but was also mad at the fact that she allowed someone to get the jump on her. If she hadn’t given up on her training, if she had someone like Bruce who kept her on her toes, maybe she would’ve caught him sooner. The last two years had completely relaxed her skills and senses. She had given up on that life and now she was facing the consequences of being indubitably out of practice.

Her eyes once again turned back to her screen as she now thought about what to do next. She should be focusing on her paper, being in the same boat as Sam with the due date approaching fast. She planned to finish the rest of it today, having already done a giant chunk of it throughout the term but of course her luck said otherwise. Maybe her exhaustion from staying up until the sun shined to get all her work done had finally gotten to her. She could blame that on being so late on the draw when it came to noticing the figure sitting across the café suspiciously peering over their book and staring directly their way.

Halley was not only disappointed in herself for not noticing him right away because whoever it this was wasn’t even that great at being inconspicuous. She remembered seeing him standing a little to close as the two girl first made their orders up at the counter. She remembered him only ordering a water but then waiting near them as they waited for theirs. She also remembered him waiting for them to sit first before taking the back booth that had a clear view of theirs. But it was like when someone said something and it just went in one ear and right out the other.

It didn’t fully process to her until they’d been in the café for two hours and Halley had gotten up from their table to refill her coffee. She walked by the booth and it all clicked at the site of the water bottle being untouched. She didn’t know what was worse: that it had taken so long for her to catch him or that she had been played by a kid.

It’d been about an hour now since she’d clued in. She spared the kid in the corner another look still trying to see if she recognized him from somewhere, anywhere, but she had no clue who this kid was. This time before she could look away their eyes meet. She let her eyes narrow, not showing the inner panic she felt whereas the boy’s eyes went wide before scrambling down to look at his book. Her lips formed a thin line at this horrible attempt at spying, scoffing to herself.

Letting out a drawn out sigh she closed her laptop and finally earned Sam’s attention. The girl frowned and asked if she was okay. Halley shrugged, grabbing her coffee cup and stating that she needed another refill. Sam shrugged before going back to work.

She had a lot more work than Halley had and couldn’t afford for Halley’s current predicament get in the way of it. Halley was proud, Sam hadn’t asked for her phone once since entering the café and sitting down. Sam was going to school for psychology and was trying to get into an internship program next year. Halley had questioned her or more so tried to convince her not too since the internship would be at Arkham. Sam was a great friend but she was naïve and had no idea what she was getting into. She swore it wouldn’t happen to her when Halley brought up the fate of the one notable Harley Quinn but Halley was still unsure and concerned.

Halley stood up again but this time eyed the boy directly as she walked past his eyeline. He seemingly cowered into his seat as if it would make him invisible. Halley raised an eyebrow at him, scanning over his table as she slowly walked past it. His textbook was shielding a notebook. Halley couldn’t get the greatest look but noted it was covered in scribbles and highlights. One statement did stick out to her and it made her nearly drop her coffee cup.

Bruce Wayne is Batman.

This time with more pep in her step she forgot about the refill and quickly made her way back to her table. She began to gather her items, unplugging her laptop and shoving it in her bag. Sam looked up from her own laptop, puzzled.

“We need to leave,” Halley said, her voice stern.

“But we were-,”

“Sam.” Halley’s voice cut her off, glaring at her.

She stopped herself, not wanting to seem like the kid got her worked up but he did. Who was he? How did he know that Bruce was Batman? And did that mean that he knew who she was?

Fuck, she thought feeling a lump in her throat. She never told Sam about her past. She had never told any of her friends that weren’t heroes themselves either. Fuck, she repeated to herself harshly. She had never wanted the two worlds to collide. Backtracking, she shook her head at Sam.

“Actually, you stay. I need to go.” Halley said, slinging her backpack over her shoulders and slipped Sam’s phone out of her pocket, leaving it on the table.

“What? Why? Are you okay?” Sam asked, her face no longer puzzled but concerned as she reached for the phone.

“I’m fine- I just forgot something and I need to go.” Halley assured even if she was vague. She began to walk away from the table, knowing for a fact that the kid would soon follow her. She gave Sam a slight wave. “I’ll see you tonight!”

Within moments she was out into the streets of Gotham, hearing the door to the café close behind her only to open again a few moments after her. She peered over her shoulder, letting her hair hide the majority of her face and saw the boy following her. She quickened her pace unsure of where she should go. He was kid, she could just confront him but again, she had also been a kid once and spent her childhood killing men more than twice her age.

No, he’d just worry, she decided when she thought about calling Dick. But was there a reason to be worried?

Deciding that she was more than capable to handle herself she took matters in her own hands. She stopped her step, whipping around to confront the boy. Her eyes widened and scanned the area. He was gone. He had just been there and now he was gone. She turned forward, looking around again and saw no sight of him. People walked past her, staring at her like a crazy person as she looked clearly distressed and insane as her face contorted and scrunched up. She looked up at rooftops and into the alleyways nearby feeling exposed and paranoid.

Shaking her head, she went back into a steady pace heading back to campus. If he knew who she was then he knew where she went to school; where she lived. She knew she should call Bruce after seeing what she saw in the notebook or call Dick at least. But she found herself unable to and she found it haunting her for the days to follow.

She couldn’t focus in class, always looking over her shoulder and on edge. She had to ask her teacher for an extension, her paper being that last thing on her mind. She knew it was irresponsible and she knew she should tell someone but Dick was off with the Titans and Bruce’s number was still so daunting when her thumb hovered over it when she was alone in her room.

A week had passed and the boy hadn’t shown himself again causing Halley too relax but only by an inch. Maybe she had gone crazy? Maybe she imagined it?

No, she saw what she saw in that notebook. The stupid kid highlighted it and circled it for Christ’s sake. Whoever he worked for didn’t train him well or long enough; he was a nuance at spy stuff compared to her at that age. But he still managed to unnerve her especially when after a week he decided to show himself again.

She had gotten an email from her communications teacher asking her to come to her office after the end of classes. She had wanted to discuss her application the internship at the Gotham Gazette she was applying for. Halley thought nothing of it having known that Miss Parsons did want to have a meeting with her soon to discuss it so she didn’t hesitate to head straight to her office after her last class.

Her mind was frantic as she looked through her folder to make sure she had all her articles and papers lined up that she wanted to submit for the internship. Picking her eyes up as she rounded the corner and reached the office’s door, she knocked. She heard a muffled reply, the voice sounding a lot deeper than the usual perky teacher. She paused as she was now cautious as she felt herself going on alert. Narrowing her eyes she closed her folder and placed her hand on the doorknob.

The door slowly opened and the former assassin turned vigilante peered into the room. Her eyes widened and her mouth agape as she stared at the person sitting at the desk. It sure as hell wasn’t Professor Parsons. Her face changed from shock to anger as she turned her gaze into a glare. She slammed the door shut.

The boy who had been haunting her mind all week sat where Miss Parsons should be sitting. Halley crossed her arms against her chest as the boy simply smiled with his lips pressed firmly together, bringing his hand up to give her an awkward wave. Halley narrowed her eyes tighter at him, noting how he was wearing a Gotham Academy uniform. He looked at her cautiously but still had some trace of smugness showing in his facial expression as if he was proud of himself for catching her off guard again.

“I’m Tim Drake.” He introduced, outreaching his hand over the desk for her to shake. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

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jokertrap-ran · 4 years

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(少女的王座—The Throne of Girl—) Main Story: Chapter 1 Part 10 English Translation

*The Throne of Girl Masterlist. *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut! *Main Story will be tagged under #Throne of Main

Chapter 1-1 / 1-2 / 1-3 / 1-3B / 1-4 / 1-5 / 1-6 / 1-7 / 1-8 / 1-9 / 1-10 / 1-11 / 1-12 / 1-13

Phone Call from Adrian / Lancelot

I groggily woke up from my sleep in the morning. The bright light from outside filtered through the windows into the room; everything was peaceful and quiet.

MC: Doesn't seem like there are any maids here to wake me up today...

I glanced at the time, ducking my head back under the soft covers.

MC: I feel like there aren't going to be any social events today, so I can sleep in…

Just as I closed my eyes, preparing to return to sleep for a second time, my phone suddenly rang.

MC: …Ugh… Why is someone calling me all so early in the morning?

Snatching up my phone a little reluctantly, I forced my eyes open; my drowsiness dying off real quick when I saw just who was requesting for a video call with me.

MC: ...Alex?

Alex Pepsilia was my younger brother, and the youngest child of the family.

MC: (Pepsilia and Hubrigy have a 4 hour time difference.)

MC: (It's 7AM here now, which means that it's only 3AM over there, right?)

MC: Unless he hasn't slept at all?

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, pressing the answer button.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Alex: I just knew that you were sleeping in, sis!

MC: Sleeping in is a right that god has bestowed upon us!

Alex: Such a thing didn't exist in the Church's teachings...

MC: Huh… You mean, even God hasn’t said anything like “Make sure to get a good rest everyday and get enough sleep”? Surely there must be something along those lines!

Alex: ... Wasn't it "God's blessing allowed us rest on every seventh day of the week"?

MC: ...Doesn't it mean the same thing?

Alex: No way! They're completely different!

[Alex had been sent to the Vatican to live there for a while, due to his frail and sickly constitution, to pray for God's blessing while he received treatment from the Holy See.]

[And he had become more devout to God upon his consequent return.]

MC: Fine… You’ve caught me red-handed.

MC: But I’ve also found out that you’re still not asleep despite it being 3 in the morning!

MC: Shall I… Tell Father and Brother about this matter?

Alex: !!!

Alex: Sis…

MC: Juuuust joking!

MC: Still, it’s so late; why aren’t you asleep?

Alex: I couldn't fall asleep…

Alex: I mean, Father, Brother, you, and even brother Albert went all the way to the Royal Palace in Hubrigy; and in the only one being left behind...

Alex: The Castle is so big and empty, and no one pays me any mind… There's no way I'll be able to sleep like this!

Alex: Hey sis? When will you be coming back?

MC: I’ve still got to stay here for about another month!

MC: Haa… I want to go home too...

MC: This Palace has such an overwhelming number of rules; I wouldn’t stay here for another day if I could help it!

MC: But it’s currently the Capital’s Social Season, so Brother has been forcing me to participate in Tea Parties, Balls, blah, blah...

MC: He said that he just wanted me to make acquaintances with more royals. Humph! They’re just forcing me to participate in “Blind Dates”, if I had to be blunt about it!

Alex: Ehh!? Then... Do you have anyone you fancy, sis?

MC: Not. A. Single. One!

Alex: Really? Thank God!

Alex: —Ahem! I mean, hurry and come on back if there isn't anyone you fancy over there!

MC: I have no common topic with them at all. They all either have their eyes growing on the top of their heads or talk about extremely boring things!

Alex: That's right! There's no way those people will ever be worthy of you, sis!

Alex: Hurry and come back sis! You can just live with me just as we've always done, right?

MC: If only Brother was of the same mind as you...

Alex: It'll be fine! Just leave brother Lancelot to me.

Alex: I'll make sure to convince him not to set you up for any "Blind Dates"!

MC: Really?

MC: It would be greatly appreciated if you can persuade Brother to stop dragging me off to these “Blind Dates”!

Alex: Yup! I'll send a message to him in the afternoon saying, "Looks like sis doesn't like aaanyone at all, so hurry and let her come home already"!

MC: Alex… I now stand firm in my belief that you’re the only one who relates to me best in the family!

MC: Even Albert came along with us to the Royal Palace… Only for him to be on the same mindset as Brother, himself! He’s not helping me anymore!

Alex: What? Even brother Albert? Even him…

Alex: I'm sure he must have been coerced by Father and brother Lancelot! Yeah; I'm sure he was!

Alex: Don't blame brother Albert for it, sis...

MC: You’re not wrong… But...

[I sighed. Alex was right. Brother and father must have specially instructed Albert one way or another for him to be so "respectful" of the rules in the Royal Palace."]

Alex: Anyway, just leave brother Lancelot to me and don't worry about it!

Alex: By the way, how's the Royal Palace? It must be way different from Pepsilia, right? Have you gotten used to the place yet?

MC: It’s really very different here. The Capital of Hubrigy is known as the “Heart of the Empire”; and it really deserves its reputation, for it’s way more prosperous compared to us!

MC: I hear that this place houses the largest Amusement Park and Zoo in the entire continent! Not to mention the famous Aquarium which is said to have every single species of marine life on this entire planet!

MC: There are also many delicious street food, gourmet stores, free markets and so on and so forth… Oh yeah! I think there was also a particularly popular Circus around here...

Alex: Ooooo!! Sounds like there are lots of interesting and yummy things there!

Alex: Sis, I… I wanted to go along with you…

MC: Don't worry! There'll be another chance next time!

[Even though I say that… I'm aware that he's always been of frail health…]

[Let's not even mention anything about him coming together with us to Hubrigy; even normal plans for a short trip out always ended as that. Just a plan.]

[The only time he had a successful long-distance trip elsewhere was only after we went to the Vatican and visited the Holy See, to pray for god’s blessing to see the trip through successfully.]

[I looked at the time and saw that it was getting later and later. It was nearing 4AM back in Pepsilia—]

▷Choice: Chat longer with him

MC: Let’s wait for your health to get better, and for you to get stronger. Then, you can come here with me and enjoy yourself as much as you want; how does that sound?

Alex: Sure, sounds great!! It's a promise then! When that time comes… Yes, let's go there together with only us two!

Alex: Let's skip all those boring social events! I'm sure we'll be able to play to our heart's content with just the two of us!

MC: Uwah, hearing you say that makes me a little impatient for that time to come; I can’t wait…!

Alex: Don't worry about it, sis! I won't make you wait long!

MC: Aw, how sweet of you, Alex!

▷Choice: Persuade Alex to go to bed.

MC: But it’s almost 4AM; it’s not good for your health to be up so late!

Alex: I...

Alex: I… want to talk with you a little longer, sis...

MC: You can’t. I’ll be very worried if you don’t hurry and sleep soon...

Alex: ...Alright...

Alex: I'm gonna prepare for bed then. How about you go outside for a change if you're free?

MC: Yeah! I happen to be free later, so I’m absolutely prepared to sneak out and go fishing.

MC: I hear that the Capital is home to a species of fish that can spit out precious chromatic beads, so I’m thinking of trying my luck.

MC: The people here use them as amulets! Rest assured, for this sister of yours is blessed with super good luck! I’ll definitely be able to show it to you!

Alex: I think I've read about that fish in one of the books on the Church's library. I recall that it's pretty hard to catch, and if it proves to be too much trouble for you, then maybe…

MC: Don’t worry, something as simple as fishing won’t pose a problem for me at all! I’m going off to fish now, and as for you~ Hurry and go to sleep!

Alex: Alright, sis!

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Having said that, I waved at Alex through the video call before cutting the line.

MC: (I should change and head out.)

I put the phone in my hand down, hurriedly getting out of bed to wash up and change into a fresh set of clothes.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

MC: (It’s such a rare occasion to be able to go take a breather outside. I should ask Albert to come along with me while I’m at it!)

I stopped in front of Albert’s room, knocking on his door.

MC: Albert!

MC: ...Albert?

I knocked on the door, but it was unexpectedly quiet within the room.

MC: (Hm? What’s going on? Unless… Did he go somewhere?)

MC: (Where did he go off to so early in the morning? Unless Father of Brother needed him for something?)

MC: (Oh well, it’s just fishing; I can go alone.)

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ♔What’s past, it’s prologue♔ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Previous Part: (Chapter 1-9) | Next Part: (Chapter 1-11)

#少女的王座 #The Throne of Girl #소녀의왕좌 #Otome #Translations #RASTAR Games #亚历克斯 #Alex #下野紘 #Shimono Hiro #Throne of Main

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ohwereusingourmadeupnames · 4 years

Text

Happy Birthday, Tony Stark

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark Rating: Mature (M) Word Count: ~11k Notes: Tony’s birthday is an important holiday in my life - so I decided to celebrate with this cute little fic. @stark-bb supplied the beauty for the end & I’m really happy with the way it turned out. Happy Birthday, Tony - this is how 50 should have gone for you! Warnings: endgame fix-it (kind of), NSFW stuff, hurt/comfort, insecure!Tony Summary:

It's Tony Stark's birthday - which means there's tons of reasons to celebrate. Check out his relationship with Peter over the course of two birthday's.

For his 50th, Peter goes all out - but is it really the night that Tony wanted?

Or, the one where Peter plans a party and all Tony wants is his love instead.

Read it on A03 here

In retrospect, after Thanos, actually getting to 50 was a miraculous thing.

It took him and Bruce 6 months to figure out how to bring everyone back after the snap. The easiest part of it all was going back in time to collect all of the stones – despite a couple of little hiccups, the job was well done. The gauntlet Tony constructed could easily be coined as one of his greatest technological masterpieces – and when Cara Danvers came back looking for Nick Fury, their answer to who would yield it was nicely answered.

There wasn’t much time between the stones being used and the gauntlet being stolen right out from under their grasp. With the total annihilation of Avenger’s tower, it didn’t seem all that surprising that they were all of the sudden looking down into the abyss of a full-on war. There were so many of Thanos’ troops that for the first little bit of the battle – it didn’t seem like they were going to get anywhere close to winning.

Then, the portals opened up and every single person Tony could remember ever hearing about or seeing stepped through. His eyes caught and kept Peter’s when Cara pulled him out of the ditch with the gauntlet held tightly in his arms. There were so many other things that were important in that moment – the world was on the cusp of decimation once again – yet, he couldn’t break the eye contact. He didn’t want to.

Pulling Peter into his arms the second he could felt like the most natural thing in the world – when the kid dusted in them not that long ago, the world felt a little less special. Now, the scale shifted back to normal. The picture of him and Peter they took when he put together his ‘internship’ was one of the biggest catalysts in his adamancy in figuring out how to solve the time travel issue and put things back to right.

He didn’t plan to press the kiss against his cheek – the adrenaline of battle and finally succeeding made it easy to override the thinking portion of his choice of actions. Peter melted into him and it suddenly felt more than okay. The mumbled “this is nice” drove home the point and Tony let himself have that – the embrace, the comfort, even the solace that came from having Peter back again.

The rage of battle swept them away from each other and for a while, Tony was focused on being the perfect distraction for Cara – her final move of sweeping and engaging just enough to get the stones off of Thanos and onto the gauntlet the single greatest in Avenger history. Watching Thanos drift away into nothingness felt more satisfying than Tony cared to admit – and when he fell to his knees, it was from being overwhelmed that maybe, just maybe, they saved the world for good.

Aftermath in the face of a tragedy that only half of the population remembered was a little weird. It took a lot of explaining to the ones they lost for everyone to make sense of the missing time – of the life that got put on hold because of a crazy vendetta. Tony tried hard to document the progress he and Bruce made through the construction of the time machine and their ideas about the stones so he could explain to anyone that asked. Though – it was unsurprising that Peter was the only one that even wanted to know.

So – Tony explained it to him. They talked through the schematics he initially drew up when solving the irregular blip that Bruce initially couldn’t. Peter’s questions were educated and the things he inferred before Tony could tell him were some that even Bruce did not conclude. He can’t help but be impressed by the kid’s true intelligence. Tony spent so much time trying to protect him, he never took the time to pay the closet attention to him as a person – to the extremely smart and talented individually Peter absolutely was.

In the end, the boy left with a much clearer understanding of the ins and outs of the journey to get him back. It appeased him a grand total of two days before Peter came knocking again. His excuse didn’t seem nearly as sound this time. He kept listening for May to come through the door even though he knew she was working the overnight shift – Tony could see it for what it was, a plea for distraction, for the company of another human being that wasn’t going to ask questions or wonder out loud about things that shouldn’t be spoken about ever again.

It quickly became a routine between them – Peter showing up later into the night with a feeble excuse to come in and spend time with Tony. Tony didn’t spend any time pretending, though – each time it happened, he opened the door and let Peter come in without worrying about the muttered excuse thrown his way.

Dealing with shit was a personal thing, the understanding of that was something Tony knew very intimately.

His own special way of dealing pulled him away from Pepper – their relationship crumbling at the seams when Tony refused to give up the suit. After everything, he felt it to be too big of a compromise – he loved her, but some things were bigger than ultimatums and their inevitable consequences. Losing half of the population made that pretty clear.

And though Tony hated to admit it, he came to rely on the kid’s presence – their late night tv binges one of the only things that chased the nightmares away. Despite seeing him on an almost daily basis now, Tony still dreamt about the way Peter faded from his arms, the impossible to hold feeling of dust running through his hands the worst part of it all. He figured they would stop when the world started to spin the right way again – yet, he couldn’t escape them. It took a lot more brain bytes than he originally thought to push away the few reasons he could come up with as to why that actually was.

No matter how much he didn’t want to think about it, letting Peter in all of those nights ago set the course for them. Tony couldn’t deny that he learned to heal a little more every single time Peter came through the door – the ease in their conversation slowly but surely becoming something that Tony couldn’t live without. They forged a closeness with every night that past – one that Tony quickly had to put in a safe category. There were so many times he found himself wanting to reach across the couch and grip Peter’s hand in his own. So quickly, Peter became a steady source of comfort.

Sooner rather than later, the Avengers were suiting back up – the idea of instituting regular rounds and patrolling schedules winning without question when Steve brought it up. If they were going to deal with entities like Thanos ever again, the need to be better prepared reigned supreme. Luckily, the rest of the group recognized his and Peter’s familiarity and always paired them up. It felt nice to work with him and Tony absorbed every single second of it. They were constantly learning together and when the time came to actually fight, they’d be prepared – some of their tag team moves way more than enough to truly debilitate an opponent.

Of course, being patrol partners meant dealing with the times that things turned to shit. Though there weren’t big time things forcing all of the Avenger’s to assemble, they still dealt with things that were dangerous. Peter, no matter how many times Tony shouted at him about keeping it on the safer side, refused to ignore intuition – even if it led him astray nine times out of ten. It was extremely frustrating, and the only downfall Tony could find with being back to saving the world so soon after the last time.

Things got interesting when Peter almost died taking down Mysterio. It took them a few minutes longer than they expected to get across the pond and into a position where they could help – so Peter handled a lot of it on his own. Tony was glad they spent all the time they did training – some of the moves Friday showed him were truly impressive and genuinely lifesaving. It felt shitty to find Peter broken and bloody – there was no mistaking the pure intensity of the battle that raged before him.

Tony pushed aside all of his personal feelings and helped solve the problem – the best thing he could do for Peter was get things under control, there wouldn’t be any need for the younger man to have to fight so hard after that. It took the two of them and some well-planned drop-ins from Steve and Natasha to put everything to rest. When things were finally over, Peter slumped over against Tony and howled, the tears just as much from frustration as exhaustion and pain. He didn’t let Tony detach the entire time Dr. Cho took a look at him – he stayed by his side and talked him through what happened – tried to keep him calm when a bone was reset and his body temperature worked off the sedative before it could actually numb anything.

It felt hard to separate Peter from the thoughts of caring, and protection, and on the weakest of days – love. He figured the idea of being a father figure wouldn’t be too bad. Tony wanted to believe that Peter leaned on him the way he would May or Happy. There were signs, though – signs that said the younger man’s feelings were way deeper than either wanted to think about at the moment. For the sake of allowing independence and growth, Tony didn’t pursue the obvious.

That mindset didn’t last very long – Peter had a way of being pretty persuasive. His 49th birthday crept toward them without anyone really noticing. Everyone was trying to figure out what post-Thanos meant – and the simplicity of a birthday didn’t seem to be on the forefront of people’s minds. It didn’t matter, anyway – the older he got, the more meaningless birthdays seemed to be. The world continued to spin and need protecting and want things regardless of birthdays.

When the day came, it surprised him to see candles sticking out of a big pile of Belgian waffles that morning – a smiling Peter and Bruce carrying the plate over to him. He shook his head and blew out the candles, the cheesiness of it just that – cheesy – but also very thoughtful and way more than he wanted or imagined. The waffles tasted just a little bit better that morning, too – which was quite the feat, because Tony loved waffles; absolutely fucking loved them.

The rest of the day past in a haze of bowling in the alley in the SI building, eating disgustingly shitty food, and good company. Bruce begged out after the third game and left Peter and Tony alone to duke out games four and five. Peter’s incredible strength worked against him in the end, Tony grabbed both the games and the overall win count for the day. It wouldn’t have hurt his feelings if Peter let him win, either – it felt good to feel good for once.

Heading back to the penthouse, Tony wasn’t surprised when Peter followed him up. From the beginning, Tony made sure to keep May in the loop – and at this point, as long as Peter was somewhere safe, she didn’t seem to mind. Peter probably took more advantage of that little giving piece of her, but Tony wasn’t one to complain when it benefitted him just as much. He watched the kid go straight to the fridge, the massive quantity of junk food they consumed just hours earlier obviously not enough.

“What do you want to do for dinner, Tony? Your fridge is kind of empty,” Peter said after a couple of minutes of leaning over and looking, then stepping away – like if he looked enough times, things would show up eventually. Grinning, Tony sank into one of the stools tucked into the kitchen island, his fingers knitting together.

“I hadn’t thought about it – I’ve eaten more today than I usually do in a week. Want me to order something? I bet we can get that Vietnamese place you like to deliver out here,” Tony mumbled in reply. He brought a finger to his glasses and tapped into Friday’s interface. “Can you order the usual, doll?”

Peter stood on the other side of the island across from him, his cheeks flushed. “You didn’t have to do that. I found an egg in there,” he remarked, his thumb hiking over his shoulder towards the fridge. “It’s your birthday – we should be doing what you want.” Peter tried for a serious look in his direction but failed at the last second – the soft ‘for Tony’ smile he’d come to be very familiar with over the last few months spreading across his lips. He leaned down onto his forearms, the two of them closer than ever now.

“We’ve done enough, Pete. Let me be an old man for the rest of the night, huh? Besides, we’re almost done with The Sopranos – I’m ready to see how it all ends.” Tony wasn’t lying, either – there wasn’t anything else he’d rather do. The thought of getting dressed to go out or partying the night away made his head spin. After all of the bull shit of the life he led, sitting around with takeout and good company didn’t seem all that bad.

The boy seemed to understand, the softness in his eyes answer enough. He shrugged his shoulders and pushed away from the island – Tony watched as he went over to the bar on the other side of the room and grabbed a small rock glass. Without much effort, he poured two fingers worth of whiskey into it and walked back across the room, the glass being passed to Tony before he could even understand what happened.

“You’re going to need that, then,” Peter finally uttered, his face breaking out into a smile. Tony watched the grin grow and internally documented all of the lines and grooves that played across the boy’s face. Peter must have noticed because his smile grew a little bigger. “Want to go hangout in the lab until the food gets here?” The question was shy, despite what felt like millions of hours they spent there together already.

Slamming back the liquid in the glass, Tony let the burn clear his head – his mind in all sorts of places it probably shouldn’t be. He caught Peter’s eye and nodded, his own grin slipping across reluctant lips. “It’s funny that you even need to ask.” Tony got up then, his neck swiveling to crack the stiff joints. “Shall we?” he asked, his head tilting when Peter didn’t move or even say anything.

He didn’t expect the clumsy hands Peter answered with, the boy grabbing his hips a little too tight, the strength in his arms bringing Tony against his chest. Tony let out a breath, his secret wants and desires coming to life before him – his brain shortcutting with the responsible thoughts that tried to break through the haze. His arms wrapped around Peter’s shoulders on their own accord, Tony losing the fight against himself with every passing second.

“Pete – “ Tony tried, his arms opposing his words, the muscles in his shoulders, chest, and biceps tensing and clenching, every fiber of his being wanting to be that much closer. Peter tilting his head until they were looking eye to eye stopped him in his tracks, though – the boy’s eyes bright with many things unreadable, except for one. Slamming his own shut, Tony pulled in a long breath, the look too much.

Then, lips were on his, and all thoughts ceased to exist for the few seconds that clumsiness turned into the hottest thing he’d ever felt. Peter’s hands moved from his hips to frame his face, the tightness of them bringing their lips closer together – Tony tilting his head at the very last second to stop their noses from colliding painfully. He sunk into it and forgot for a second what he needed to do when they broke apart.

The soft moan leaving Peter’s lips when the kiss broke made him press back in for another couple of chaste pecks – Tony hoping more than anything that it was enough to engrain the taste of Peter onto the surface of his skin. Dipping his head, Tony pressed their foreheads together, his eyes closing.

“You figured out what I really wanted,” Tony whispered, a laugh leaving his lips at the sound of the words in his own ears. Up until that point, he hadn’t allowed himself to even think like that. With Peter in his arms – it was easy, though. Like their embrace on the battlefield, Tony couldn’t help what his lips did this close to Peter’s person.

“You’re just a couple months too early,” he managed to get out, the few seconds of hesitation before doing so just enough to soak this intimacy in a little bit longer. “You know we have to wait.” Peter’s head became a little heavier against his own for a second, then he felt the slightest of nods – the boy way smarter than Tony ever gave him credit for. Pulling back, he put a bit of space between them, the only point of contact now his hand on Peter’s cheek.

While his thumb brushed the sharp bone there, Peter leaned into the touch – his eyes shut, the storm inside them kept under control by the lids covering them. Tony let himself look his fill until Peter was the one pulling away – the saddest little smile on his lips. “I know – I just – I couldn’t wait. I – Tony, you’re everything.” The words were earnest and if this were anyone else, he wouldn’t have even given thought to believing him. Peter constantly showed how much respect he deserved, so Tony gave it to him.

“Save that for later, okay? We’ll make your 18th one to remember.”

“Okay. Happy birthday, Mr. Stark.”

----

And boy did they – even a year later, Tony can still remember the entire day they turned into a week rather vividly.

He told Peter to pack a bag and let May know they were staying in the city for the week. For the first time in almost two months, Tony was finally letting him stay over again. He knew if he gave either of them any opportunity to give into temptation, they would – and this seemed like too important of a thing to screw up before it could officially be a thing. He didn’t want to give anyone – including the person who trusted Tony to be a good part of Peter’s life – the ability to question anything between them.

The second Peter walked through the door; the boy was on him – Tony barely able to get his glasses off his face before they were kissing. It didn’t make it past the necking stage, of course – Tony had too many plans to lose his shit on the couch in his front room – but it was nice to finally let himself touch and feel, to give into the want that so obviously coursed through them both. He let Peter squirm against him until he let out a satisfied huff and finally came up for air. “Happy birthday, Petey,” Tony mumbled against his forehead.

Coney Island took up the rest of the day – Tony laughing and smiling harder than he could remember, especially since Thanos. The ride on the Cyclone threw them into each other and when they got off, Tony wrapped Peter in his arm and steered them back towards the line, the two of them riding the coaster two more times before moving on. Peter insisted they finish the day at the aquarium – the boy totally obsessed with the penguins and otters.

When they got back to the penthouse, Tony led Peter into the bedroom, straight past the bed, and into the attached bathroom. He pushed him down until he was sitting on the edge of the tub and went about putting the necessary stuff for a bath in it. While the water ran, Tony took Peter’s clothes off one article at a time, his lips following behind caressing the newly exposed skin. Getting down to his boxers, Tony had him stand up and pulled them very slowly down Peter’s legs, the tips of his fingers tracing the same path as the fabric.

He stayed on his knees and lavished the skin on the inside of Peter’s left knee, then nosed his way up his right thigh – his lips landing on his hip, eyes looking up. “Get in the tub,” he mumbled, his eyebrows raising in invitation. Peter didn’t waste any time complying with the request – a soft sigh leaving his lips when he sank into the warm water.

Stepping back, Tony started the actual part of the bath that was for Peter. He slipped the buttons out of the slots on the vest he was wearing and let it hit the ground. The shirt came next, his fingers slow in the way they moved from one button to the next. A light shimmy had the button down flowing off his shoulders to join the vest on the floor. Kicking off his shoes, he hobbled about for a second to get the socks off – then straightened back out with sexiness written on his face once again.

Peter’s eyes were glued to his every move, Tony happy to see red trail down his cheeks, neck, and onto his chest with each new piece of clothing that came off. The boy was fisting himself under the water, Tony could tell by the wave and ripple of it. Tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, Tony made quick work of his belt and the button on his slacks, the pants falling without much effort after that. His black boxer briefs stayed on for a second, Tony taking a couple of steps closer to the tub until he could lean down and press a kiss against Peter’s lips.

While they kissed, Tony pulled his underwear off, a little groan slipping out between them when his erection finally hit the coolness of the air around them. “Shift forward a little, babe,” Tony muttered, his body sinking easily into the water with the newly made space. Peter moved back and settled between his legs without any prompting, Tony’s chest now toasty from the combination of water and the boy’s warm skin. Wrapping his arms around him, Tony pulled him even further back – his cock trapped perfectly between his own stomach and Peter’s back.

Touching his lips to Peter’s neck, Tony let himself relax into the warm water and the sound embrace – the boy in front of him doing the same thing if the sagging weight against his chest was anything to go by. “Did you have a good birthday?” he spoke the words right beside Peter’s ear – the gust of breath having the desired effect as goosebumps launched themselves across his skin.

His head fell back against Tony’s shoulder, Peter’s hands moving until they were gripping the older man’s across his stomach. “It’s been great. This is the best part, though – finally getting to spend this kind of time with you.” It was obvious Peter meant each of those words, too; his voice took on such authentic tone when he was talking to Tony. “I love you, Tony. I have for a while.”

Though he suspected, Tony didn’t think he would hear those words for a long time. He forgot how mature Peter could be when he really put his mind to things. Tony moved his arms until he could cup Peter’s cheek, the boy shifting a little bit to look over his shoulder – their eyes meeting. “I love you too, Pete. I’m the worst possible choice for you, but I’m also incessantly selfish. You can have whatever you want from me.” Tony capped his words off with a soft kiss, his lips lingering just because they could.

“I just want you, Tony. I thought for a long time that I wanted to save the world, be a hero – and yeah, I still want that – but I want this, too. Simplicity. Your arms around me. I’m young, I know – I also know what I want, so don’t try and talk me out of it.” Peter practically huffed out, his last couple of words sounding a bit petulant. They made Tony’s heart jolt, regardless – the weight of them surprisingly heavy.

Who was he to dictate any of that part of Peter’s life? Tony did lots of questionable things in his youth – more than a few of them without thinking about it as thoroughly as Peter seemed to. There were no regrets in the pacing of their relationship and how very natural it occurred, so what was there to really hold him back? There were times Tony was selfish about much lesser things and at this point in his life, why hold now? Smiling to himself, Tony relaxed even further into the porcelain of the tub.

“I’m not going to try and talk you out of anything. It might suck for a little while – telling everyone and explaining ourselves, but I’m with you.”

That was about a year ago and while Tony was right – it was a hassle to constantly answer questions and defend a thing that felt so natural to them – things were also too good to really be that upset about it. They went about telling the team first, these people fought with them on a constant basis and needed to understand the decision they made. It took a bit of talking Steve from the tizzy he spun up and a few well placed “I know exactly how you feels” to get everyone to calm down enough to talk to Peter about it.

The old guy of the group grabbed Peter’s shoulder, Steve’s eyes seemingly trying to stare right into his soul. “He’s old, Pete,” Steve started – the rest of the group breaking out into varying degrees of laughter around them. Tony prickled for a second, his pride a little hurt from the implication – but what could he really do? When compared to Peter, he was old – generations older, in fact.

Peter’s hand grabbed Steve’s and dislodged it, usually soft brown eyes serious, his gaze just as sharp. “So are you.” Tony watched him bite into his bottom lip and unsuccessfully trying to stop laughter from bubbling in his chest. “I don’t care. I’m old enough to understand all of your concerns and appreciate them – but I am politely ignoring everything you guys have to say. I want this. He didn’t talk me into it, he didn’t groom me,” Peter stopped then, his eyes trailing over to Rhodey who spoke the traitorous words earlier. “He’s just my person, you know?”

After hearing that, Tony figured no one could stand between them. Not even May – who surprisingly didn’t seem shocked or upset about the situation. She glared at Tony for a long minute, then pulled him into her arms. “If you hurt him, I’ll do the same – got it?” she whispered, the arms “hugging” him tightening ever so slightly.

“Noted,” Tony replied instantly, his hands patting her back lightly. He caught the look Peter and May shared when they pulled away and had to try very hard not to burst out laughing in her face. They were both stubborn, the older man instantly understanding where Peter got it from. Wrapping his arm around Peter, Tony pressed a kiss to the side of his head, the boy relaxing into him.

“The hardest part is over,” he mumbled into Peter’s hair, the hand on his shoulder bringing him more tightly against his chest.

----

Despite being with one of the most caring humans on the planet, Tony’s 50th birthday loomed over him. For whatever reason, it felt like a big one. The age difference between him and Peter never played a part for either of them – yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about how glaring it actually was. Sometimes when he picked Peter up from HIGH SCHOOL, he felt incredibly old – and the closer his birthday got, the more ridiculous it seemed to be picking someone up from secondary school.

He didn’t give a shit about it – not for him, at least. The older person in the scenario always got the better end of the deal. Peter was loving and kind, young to the point where some of the shit he pulled out of his ass to refer to was adorably offensive. No – he didn’t really get what Peter saw in him. At least – lately. Maybe that mid-life crisis was finally sneaking up on him – the idea of that laughable after some of the crazy stuff that went on his life.

In the last couple of weeks, Tony felt some of his self-worth starting to diminish a little bit. Which was literally silly – Peter touched him, kissed him – practically worshipped him on a nightly basis. Feelings weren’t always rational, though. Every time Peter mentioned the big party he was planning for the occasion, Tony felt himself curl in a little bit – his affinity for not hurting Peter seemingly the only thing keeping him from shouting about how little he wanted to attend a party celebrating his old ass.

Peter flourished, though – so he didn’t stop him, not even when his heart started to race when his young boyfriend talked about all of the Avengers and their travel plans to meet at the complex. It was nice that they all wanted to come back and celebrate – he just hated the fact that they were celebrating such a long milestone on Tony’s account. He told himself to grin and bear it, though – it couldn’t possibly be that bad.

And since Peter was really wrapped up in all of the planning, he didn’t get the subtle hints that Tony tried to make. His “maybe it can be just you and me” wasn’t said early enough and when he thought to bring it up – his mind went to all of the plans Peter made; the way his caring, so very loving boyfriend thought every little thing out.

The night of, Tony went through the motions – he donned the suit (because let’s face it, Tony looked damn good in a custom Gucci suit.) The barber Peter paid to come in and clean them up did a good job on his facial hair and the slight trim of the longer strands on the top of his head made him feel the slightest bit better. Whenever Peter caught his eyes in the mirror, Tony could genuinely smile back.

They walked in together hand-in-hand, which Tony still felt a little giddy about. He milled around and did the right amount of small talk – his chest feeling a little warmer with each hug he got from his Avenger family. Tony did all the right things until he found an out, the anxiety that was building starting to clutch at him, the shininess of the night a little too bright for his tastes.

Walking into the lab, Tony breathed a sigh of relief, his muscles unclenching for the first time all night. He slipped off his jacket and got to work on a couple of modifications to the nanotech he was implementing into the suit – the response time still a little slow for his liking. For the first time the entire night, Tony felt the weight lift off of his chest. He got so zoned into what he was doing, he didn’t see Peter walk into the lab – or really acknowledge his presence until a hand was on his shoulder.

“I thought I might find you here. What happened?” His voice was soft – though, Tony also sensed the slightest bit of tension sitting under the surface of those words.

He bought himself some time by swiping across the holoscreen, his work dropping down into the folder to be pulled out at a later time. “It got a little crowded in there.” He mumbled with a shrug, his eyes nowhere near meeting Peter’s. “I got an idea and kind of had to run with it.” That excuse almost as lame as the first one.

Peter’s hands wrapped around his shoulders, the boy’s strength keeping him against his chest – forcing him to give up some attention. “What’s really wrong, though? You’ve been a little off lately.”

So, he did notice. Clenching his eyes shut, Tony gave in a little, his body leaning into Peter, letting the younger man take a bit of his weight. “I’m just old – I didn’t want to celebrate that. But, I didn’t have the heart to say anything.” He felt deflated as the words left his lips – the strain of it finally climbing its way down and off his heart. “I’ve been having a moment and I love the hell out of you for doing what you did. I’ve been doubting why you’d want me and it’s so obvious, isn’t it?” Tony leaned his head against Peter’s, so much defeat within him.

For a man that saved the world, he didn’t feel very strong in that moment. Being in Peter’s arms made him vulnerable and, in that moment, he couldn’t find a way to stop the avalanche tumbling him down the cliff. A couple tears streamed down his cheeks before Tony could even think to stop them. Peter’s thumb was there in an instant, mopping them up without a second thought.

“It is – but that’s okay. I should have noticed – I mean, I did, but I was excited. You did say you wanted it to be just you and me. Can we start that now? I’ve got a pretty decent idea,” Peter whispered, the leverage of his hands on Tony’s face bringing their eyes level. “I love you, Tony – today is about you, not me.” Peter let the words sit between them for a second, the boy giving him time to say no if he really wanted.

Instead of answering, Tony closed the space between them, Peter’s lips warm against his own. Tony gripped the side of Peter’s suit jacket and simply let himself go – the younger man taking control of the kiss without a single problem. Tipping his head to the side, a soft gasp left his mouth when Peter took advantage of the position and started to press his tongue in deeper. The tangle of heat there absolutely delicious.

He felt himself being pushed back, his feet moving on their own accord until the edge of the lab table hit his lower back, another moan leaving his lips. With the kiss broken, Peter put a little bit of space between them and went right for Tony’s belt – his nimble fingers getting the thing undone and his button open within seconds. The innocent Peter from a year ago did not exist – the younger man had no problems pushing his pants and boxer briefs down enough to get access to his cock. Lips wrapping around him pulled a “fuck” from deep within him, his control ticking down to nothing.

“Pete – “ Tony grumbled, his hand camping out on his boyfriend’s shoulder, fingers digging into the suit jacket there. Peter worked him over effortlessly, the boy’s tongue trailing down his length as the swallowed him whole. The tip of his dick hit the back of Peter’s throat time and time again – his hips pressing in that last little inch when the other’s hands reached back and used his ass cheeks to pull him forward. The tears in Peter’s eyes welled, but he pulled him deeper anyway – his mouth stretching obscenely.

The gulping sensation of Peter’s throat restricting against his already pulsing length brought him to the edge embarrassingly quick. He moved his fingers up Peter’s neck into his hair, his grip tight after a particularly delicious suck from the tip of his cock all the way down to the root – Peter’s cute little nose dirtily pressed into the nest of well-trimmed pubes. “Oh god – Pete. I’m going to cum. You’ve got to stop. Pete!” Tony spoke helplessly, his free hand scabbling at the table behind him.

Tossing his head back, Tony felt the snap of too much arousal in his gut – his hips pressing forward totally out of his control. “Pete, fuck!” He let out a series of groans with every hard suck against the head of his cock, Peter obviously very keen on milking him for all that he was worth. Tony forced himself to loosen the grip in Peter’s hair, a soft wince leaving his lips when a couple strands of hair caught between his fingers. Desperate for the feel of those spit slick lips against his own, Tony pulled Peter up off his knees and slammed their mouths together.

“What about you?” Tony mumbled against his lips a couple of minutes later, the taste of himself on Peter’s tongue almost enough to get him ready to go again. His fingers were desperate to get their hands on Peter’s skin – the older man hoping for just a little bit more.

Peter grabbed Tony’s hand and pressed it against the crotch of his pants – the wetness there apparent, the suits pants totally ruined by the mess he made. “I think we should head upstairs and see where the rest of the night takes us.” He grinned and gave Tony another kiss, his hands greedy in the way they helped him get his pants up – in the way he pulled Tony out of the lab and into the elevator.

Surprisingly, Peter didn’t try anything in the elevator – he kept Tony against his chest, arms slung tightly around him. “I love you,” the boy mumbled against the shell of his ear, the ride long enough for the intense zing to cool off a bit – the softness of his words perfect for the moment.

“I love you, too.”

That was just the calm before the storm.

Tony followed with hungry eyes as Peter started to take off his clothes the second they hit the penthouse – his bow tie hitting Tony’s cheek before the older man could process what was even happening. Eyes wide, Tony didn’t hesitate to stay on Peter’s heals and try to touch the newly revealed skin with hungry fingertips.

Getting into the bedroom, Tony expected to find a naked Peter in his bed – instead, the naked man was standing at the edge, an expectant look on his face. “Come here,” he beckoned, his long fingers hypnotizing enough to draw Tony in right away. His feet carried him over there – skintight with excitement of what was to come. “Get on the bed, Tony.” Peter’s grin was too good to ignore, so he complied immediately.

Lithe hands made quick work of his shoes and socks – Tony moving up a little further on the mattress when his feet were bare. Peter continued his exploration by moving to the button on is pants and pulling them and his underwear down his legs without hesitation. Soft fingertips explored the soles of his feet, nails running over the arches. “I love how strong your legs are. You’re not the tallest guy – but you’ve got these legs that carry so much weight.” Tony slammed his eyes closed, his brain not able to take the words and the sight of Peter all at once.

The younger man peppered kisses up his legs, over the ticklish part of his knees and across the long length of his thighs – his skin pebbling with the physical sign of arousal. Peter moved up after that, his fingers getting Tony’s buttons open without much effort – the boy touching the newly exposed skin with reverence – eyes glued to Tony’s. “Your stomach is my favorite. You’re stacked – there’s so much muscle there. And then you’ve got this slight little swell here,” Peter moved his hands to run over the littlest bit of stomach Tony hadn’t been able to get rid of over the years. “Reminds me that you’re human, you know?” He let his tongue swirl across the skin there.

A soft touch to his face had him blinking his eyes open, Peter’s face wide open – the heat there, totally encompassed by the lightness the other was trying so hard to portray. Tony nodded his head then, a little smile playing on his lips. Peter returned it, his exploring fingers moving once against to his chest – his nipples pebbling with their attention. “It’s hard to forget sometimes, too,” Tony whispered, chest coming up off the bed to press into Peter’s touch.

A couple minutes later, Peter urged him to turn over – his teasing touches starting up the second his flesh was on display. The younger man’s fingers pressed into the muscles of his shoulders and back, the touch just as soothing as it was arousing. He made a trail from the back of Tony’s neck down to the valley of his lower back with tongue, teeth, and lips – each nip and lick taking him apart inch by inch.

Stopping at his ass, Peter grabbed a cheek in each of his hands. “This is my favorite, though. You’ve taken to wearing those tight slacks and it’s a total tease. I want to take you apart, but then, I want to see your ass clench and flex in those pants,too. It’s distracting, Tony. And I think you know that.” Peter emphasized each of his words with sharp bites to each round globe – the stimulation of the skin there causing Tony to groan, his muscles clenching.

“I like the way you look at me,” Tony managed to groan out, his hips pressing back to get more of Peter’s touch, anything and everything the younger man could give him. Peter rewarded him with another stinging bite on the meat of his right ass cheek. “Fuck, Pete – “ his words felt a little slurred, each one dripping out with any consent of his own.

“I know – and that’s what makes it hotter. Your ass is kind of forbidden. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had it over the last year,” Peter drove his point home with a not so subtle yank of Tony’s cheeks apart – the air hitting him cool, a sudden chill rushing over his already tender skin.

Fingers pressing against his hole brought Tony to mere whimpers – Peter was right, he didn’t usually do a lot of time in this position, the vulnerability usually making him uncomfortable. There was something in the way Peter was handling him that made him want to give in and let Peter take and give and bring them both to their fucking knees, though. The other seemed to take his noises as a good sign and got to work.

Despite being 50 years old, Tony never got used to the feeling of a tongue in, around, or up his asshole. A laugh fell from his lips – the feeling their foreign and overwhelming, his gut filling with shame and heat all at once. Peter wasn’t discouraged by anything and went to town – his tongue tracing Tony’s rim before pressing in, the tip absolutely devastating in the way it plunged and caressed. The looser he started to feel, the more Peter doubled his efforts.

Soon, fingers were joining Peter’s tongue, the rhythmic press of blunt fingers and a warm tongue a complete mixture of sensations and stimulus – the feeling absolutely fucking perfect. He didn’t feel old when he gave his cock a little thought – the length was raging, the hardness there throbbing with needy want. It felt good – Peter made him feel good. Groaning at a spectacularly good press of Peter’s fingers, Tony bit into the pillow below him – Peter made him feel so fucking good.

“Pete – I need you to fuck me, please. Show me. Show me how much you want me. Need it – need you, baby.” He couldn’t explain what he said or how he said it or even if it made sense; his brain was running on want, adrenaline, and the dopamine that made being delirious feel like the warmest hug – like it was the most exquisite thing in the entire world. His breaths were coming in pants, Peter’s last few thrusts glancing his prostate deliciously.

He felt the younger man move behind him, the bed shifting with his weight. Tony heard the drawer open and let out a sigh of relief – Peter’s weight draping over him the best feeling of the night. “I’ll take care of you, Tony,” Peter said, the words skating across his skin – Pete’s fingers already working the lube into him, the fingers there not nearly enough.

The party a few floors below them probably heard the loud groan Tony let slip from within him when Peter bottomed out. The stretch of not being all that used to the fullness inside him made all of his limbs break out in what felt like waves of fire – his brain stuck between the pleasure-pain of the feeling. The fact that Peter didn’t give him any time to think about it before bottoming out completely helped and the leering blaze of pain that tried to stick around went straight out the window – the heat in his core pooling once again.

Kisses against his neck and the hands running down his sides relaxed him enough to let Peter move – the younger man’s cock thick, his length the perfect combination of inches and girth. For such a young person, Peter kept amazing control over himself – his strokes long and lazy, the best part coming from the exquisite roll of his hips when bottoming out; his prostate getting a gentle nudge with each one. Tony didn’t do anything other than squirm below him – his mind was everywhere, filled with nothing but the things Peter was doing to him.

“You feel amazing, Tony. Fucking amazing,” Peter babbled, the boy’s strokes picking up without either of them noticing – the pace natural, the steady climb of their love making slowly getting to the ultimate crescendo. “I don’t know how you can do this for as long as you do – I want to cum already. I’m going to coat your insides so that every time you even think about not being enough – you’ll remember the way it felt to have me pulse everything I have so deep inside of you. Fuck. I’m so close – “

Tony shouted – Peter’s words and the increase of pace getting him from hot to completely bothered in no time at all. The other’s weight pressed him against the mattress, every thrust brushing his cock against the soft sheets below him. His eyes were clenched tightly, Tony determined to let his mind and body wander – Peter’s guiding hands the only thing that mattered in that moment. “I love you, Pete,” Tony choked out, his head turning to catch Peter’s glance over his shoulder. When they caught eyes, the look in Peter’s tossed him over the edge – the younger man’s mouthed ‘I love you, too’ way, way, way too much for him to handle.

Peter miraculously held on for another handful of strokes, the younger man keeping his promise – his overused hole clenching with every pulse he could feel. The repeated Tony played in his head like a mantra – Peter’s voice the only one he wanted to hear say his name for the rest of his life.

----

When the immediate fatigue of orgasming within the inch of his life wore off, Tony coerced Peter into the shower – the younger man still covered in sweat and lube. The stayed wrapped around each other trading kisses back and forth – Peter continuing his trend of taking care of Tony; the young man surprisingly thorough in the way he ran his fingers through long locks and scrubbed the dirt, grim, and cum off his skin.

The last couple of hours were exactly what he was looking for – and Tony told Peter so more than a few times between getting out of bed and finishing up in the shower. His boyfriend simply kissed him, the boy obviously not looking for any sort of praise. After all they did for each other, thank you’s were a little meaningless – both men more than capable of expressing their gratitude in many different ways.

Pulling on a pair of sleep pants, Tony got back into bed on Peter’s instruction. The younger man walked out of the room for a couple of minutes – Tony laying back against the mattress, the feeling of contentment lingering in his mind for the first time in a while. There were many things Peter did for him – but this, the never-ending feeling of comfort, that’s what Tony liked the most. Being the 50-year-old man that he was, having a person that could bring him that was the best birthday present Tony hoped to continue to keep on getting.

The snick of Peter’s bare feet on the floor brought him out of his thoughts – the younger man carrying a box with him when Tony sat up to watch him walk back into the room. “I know you said no presents, but I think you’re going to like this one. I only spent money on one part of it – and it wasn’t that much, so don’t be upset, okay? I’m 99% sure you’re going to really like this.” Watching Peter babble about it made up for the fact that his boyfriend once again ignored his wishes (though, the longer they were together, the longer Tony figured Peter did that on purpose – because it was a fun game between them.)

Tony reached out to Peter, his fingers beckoning the younger man into bed. “I won’t be upset – just come sit with me while I open it.” He didn’t care how needy he seemed – today was his birthday and Peter was hell bent on catering to him. Peter didn’t disagree, anyway, he easily slid into the bed next to Tony, the box still in his hands.

“So, I guess I should explain this a little bit before you open it,” Peter started, his fingers playing with the bow on top of the box. “You’re always talking about how you miss everyone – and how it would be a lot easier if you had tangible memories of things. I know you’ve got all the technology in the world and could make that happen if you really wanted to. I mean – you still use Friday to watch me sometimes, you can’t even deny that.” He chuckled then, his face a little red from nervousness – the emotion easily read on his face.

“Anyway – I wanted you to see that people love and miss you, too. That, despite what you might think, the world would not be the same with you and the 50 years you’ve been kicking around it.” Then and only then did Peter let go of the box – his eyes flitting back and forth between Tony and whatever was in the damn thing.

Taking a deep breath, Tony pulled the top off, his head tilting when he saw what looked like a photo album sitting there. He peeked up, but Peter’s eyes were staring at the album in the box, the expression on his face unreadable. Tony took a deep breath and dug in, his curiosity winning out over any other emotion that was vying for his attention.

Opening it, Tony’s breath caught – the cover page was one of the professional photos they got done a couple months ago. The smile on both of their faces was stunning, the love written there obvious. A few of those photos were in frames around the room. In big letters it said, ‘To Tony Stark’ and under the picture the words ‘from the people who love you’ were written there.

He flipped the first page and almost lost it – the collection of him and Rhodey during college making him want to cringe and rush back up to the party all at once. His hair cut during that time of his life wasn’t the greatest – an instant regret for the party in the back look he tried to pull off for a little while washing over him. On the far side of the page, a note was written.

Happy birthday, old man!

When Peter brought this up, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to embarrass the hell out of you. College is where you changed my life and it’ll always be one of my favorite times in life. Thanks for the memories, Tones – I love you, brother.

Rhodey

Tony glanced up, a few tears streaming down his face freely. Peter shook his head, his eyes moving back to the album in Tony’s hands. “You’re just getting started – keep going.”

He didn’t have anything left in him to argue – so he turned the page, his heart warming up a little further. The shots of him and Bruce in the lab were some he’d never seen before. There were a couple of more recent photos in there, too. The combination of Bruce and the Hulk still something that made Tony laugh to this very day – the symbiosis between the two entities just another thing to add to the long list of things that changed over the years.

Tony,

There’s too much to say and not enough space to say it. Learning and progressing and creating with you over the years is why I am the way that I am. We saved the world together, brother – that’s the ultimate bond. Thankful for you and your arrogantly brilliant ass.

Happy birthday, Tony – enjoy it.

Love you,

Bruce

There were so many pages filled to the brim with photos of him with various people – Happy, Pepper, Natasha, Clint, Thor, even Wanda and Vision. They each wrote individual notes and recalled shared memories and little thoughts and blurbs about his progressive old age and the notedly selfless way Tony could care about people. It was overwhelming – each new page eye opening, his perspective of himself and the relationship he had with these people progressively changing. This was how people saw him? He spent so much of his youth having people slander his name – it almost didn’t make sense that people could feel this kind of way about him.

When he got to the last couple of pages, Tony couldn’t stand it – he reached over and pulled Peter to him, his face settling into the safe confines of the other’s neck. “I can’t believe that you did this, baby. It’s – the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” Tony spoke the words so reverently, his entire being still a little bit in awe of what he’d seen – of the kind words that some of the best people he knew wrote about him, each one way more than he ever could have expected.

Peter wrapped his arms around him and held him close – the younger man pressing kisses against his hair and forehead every few moments. “You’re still not done yet,” the younger man reminded him – Tony pulling back to find a soft look on Peter’s face. “I think you might like these last couple the best.”

Suddenly spurred on by Peter’s words, Tony shifted his attention back to the photo album in his hand, eager fingers turning the page to find pictures of himself. The look on his face in every single one of them radiated love and excitement and pure happiness. He didn’t usually like pictures of just him – no matter how much Peter begged, he didn’t even send the man he loved selfies. Yet, he couldn’t peal his eyes away from these. Lifting them, he looked questioningly at Peter. “What are these from, even?”

Chuckling, Peter reached over and let his fingers brush across the ones within reach, the ‘for Tony only’ smile pulling his lips wide. “I took these, actually. When we first started dating, I got into the habit of snapping a picture of you when you looked happy. Then, it became a thing to catch those looks whenever I could. You’d be surprised by the number of pictures I had to choose from.” Peter spoke the words with pride, the creepiness of them not even registering with the younger man. Tony grabbed his hand and pressed a soft kiss to the knuckles – his eyes alight.

“I’m not surprised by anything that you do, Peter Parker. They’re beautiful – I didn’t know I could look like this,” Tony remarked, his voice carrying all of the awe that he felt. It warmed his heart to know that Peter was the one making him look like that – they were good for each other, but it was nice to get a real example of it.

The thought of what could come next had Tony moving on – the apprehension making his fingers tremble as he turned the page. And man did it completely knock the wind from him. The last page was a collection of pictures of him and Peter – some he’d seen before and a few he hadn’t, the candid nature of them making it seem like they were taken by other people. His chin dropped a little, the evidence that Peter felt the same way right there on the page. Some of these pictures were old – a couple of them obviously before they got together.

Reaching over, Tony grabbed Peter’s hands and tangled their fingers together – he would probably need the added strength to read the long note there. Peter’s words always had a way of bringing him to his knees, he doubted this would be any different. The other’s hand gave his a squeeze, Tony diving in the very next second.

Hey you,

When I first started this, I never thought I’d get to learn so much about you. I especially loved your college hairstyle – totally my favorite.

I know there’s not a lot you can give a person that is both a genius and a millionaire – but I figured memories are priceless and the easiest thing I could give you. Not just memories between you and I, either. We’re just starting our journey.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is – there’s nothing wrong with the years you’ve lived. They have given so many people things that are priceless. Friendship, love, mentorship, knowledge. All of those things are important. You are a manifestation of each one and that is the person I get to love on a daily basis.

Every single one of your years will always matter, Tony. I’m forever grateful that you want to spend the ones you fought so hard to get with me. That’s not something that I take for granted. You teach me things I’ll never be able to learn from anyone else. You care for me in a way that is devoted and careful – like I’m the most precious piece of china you’ve ever been given. And the way you love me, Tony, it’s something that is unexplainable and completely mind-blowing. You give yourself so fiercely – it just takes a little while to truly understand what that means.

You’re my hero, Tony. And I don’t think I’m the only one that feels that way.

I love you.

& I happen to think that’s inevitable.

Happy birthday, Tony

The tears were falling freely now – the day taking a completely different turn than he expected. Between the tenderness, spectacular sex, and this insanely heartfelt gift, Tony was out of his mind with feelings he couldn’t classify. He never liked his birthday. Whether it was a reminder of how lonely he was or a big spectacle for the people that wanted something from him – it never seemed to be the occasion that others could make out of their own special days. Though it didn’t change his opinion about the day in general, Tony wasn’t afraid to admit that the day with Peter by his side was substantially better.

He didn’t hesitate to use both hands to palm Peter’s cheeks and seal their lips together. His wet face made the kiss a little messy – but neither of them seemed to care. Feeling Peter give into it, Tony tilted his head and deepened the kiss, the closeness just right for the situation. “I love you, Pete. This is – I can’t believe you did this for me.”

Leaning their foreheads together, Peter rubbed his nose against Tony’s, his eyes closing as he leaned into the connection between them. “I love you, Tony. I’m going to take care of you for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever then?” Tony asked immediately, the words tumbling out on their own accord.

“Yeah, baby. Forever.” Peter answered, his lips finding Tony’s again.

“Happy birthday, Tony Stark.”

#starker #ironspider #iron man #happy birthday tony stark #peter parker/tony stark #tony stark/peter parker #peter parker x tony stark #tony stark x peter parker #endgame fix it #marvel fanfiction #fan fics #ao3 fan fiction #fics #bobbie writes #soft starker #soft tony stark #caring peter parker #happy birthday

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behindthebrokenglass · 3 years

Text

Good morning my fellow bloggers, readers, or anyone really looking for a daily topic to relate to. I constantly wish that someone stumbles upon these posts, so I can have a voice and show others they are not alone, and that they can have a voice too. I feel like our rights as citizens and human beings that we should be allowed and feel OKAY to speak up without the fear of judgment and consequences. considerably speaking here in America the first amendment gives you that freedom. Freedom to me is just a word, a feeling that developed into a concept America can’t even hold. Internationally freedom is ripped from us wherever we go.

When I feel like life’s topics can be a bit too heavy, I resort to Netflix. Watching a bloody horror movie makes things feel so much better on my side of life’s spectrum. Mostly because I still have a right arm, a left leg and Freddy Krueger wasn’t my nightmare on Elm street. Maybe the reason I watch these crime scenarios is to stimulate a scary feeling when I actually end up laughing instead. Now that’s twisted! Trying to dissect my own brain is where my true crime obsession kicks in. It is my go to for understanding the criminal mind and the mindset of a victim. I have a deep yearning of exposing these 50 shades of grey the world likes to cover up and hide away. I stumbled upon a Netflix documentary called , “Athlete A.” This one hit way too close to home for me. I try to bring light with new perspectives to share with people during my personal blogging time. Well, maybe because it’s easier to voice things out this way. Also the amount of other people out there struggling just like me and you or maybe just a bi-standard trying to understand. A familiar story to tell, can at least bring you one important thing to hold onto. HOPE.

This documentary I watched is about a well known doctor, a predatory coach who moved from gym to gym, state to state. Well, why would a predator stick to one specific location? Of course moving around to different locations makes it harder for authorities to catch up with your tracks as long as you stay inconsistent. Yet, there was one specific consistency that stuck out. The amount of victims who reported and made complaints that went UNHEARD or it was just stuck into another file in another cabinet is deranged. So, who is Dr. Larry Nassar ? A serial rapist, and sex offender. He was served over as the USA Olympic gymnastics trainer and physician. Nassar was also a prominent member of the community and a former teacher at the Michigan State University. He was a doctor specializing in Osteopathic medicine at the time for the women’s gymnastics and crew teams. In medical school he worked as a trainer and then became a volunteer doing community work. He opened a foundation for autistic children and the community viewed him as a “larger than life, better than real person” (in the words of Tim Evans, an investigator reporter for Indianapolis). He even obtained 2,700 votes for a position on the Holt School board in Michigan. WOW! Busy man..... the sad thing about this is, is USA Gymnastics for USA olympics tried to help cover it up.

Bela and Martha Karolyi held a training camp for the USA gymnastics where Nassar worked. They based their training methods off of cruelty to get their athletes to work harder. This came around In the mid 60’s to around 1973 the Romanians decided to up their game in the Olympic gymnastics competition by having their athletes start training young. It really begun to solidify after the first youngest Romanian gold olympics champion Nadia Comaneci, a 14 year old female had won the olympics (1976). The coach’s had the benefit of having more control over the girls because they were younger. Bela and Martha Karolyi had trained Nadia and had proved their methods to be effective. They would have absolute total control over them. They slapped the girls, controlled their weight, called them names, and were very very cruel. After they came to America, they decided to bring those methods with them when they opened up their training camp for USA gymnastics. They developed a “wholesome image” that was vital to upkeep. Steve penny All the president of USA gymnastics cared about was business and money. Manipulating a child’s dreams to sell a brand.

Finally, a slip through the crack has opened. A former victim of this man and his procedures had spoken up and came forward with the same allegations a current victim had complained about. This finally prompted an open investigation. She had gone to explain that she was too young to know if what he was doing was right or wrong, or even normal. She expressed how the abuse victims are not treated well. That they are mocked, questioned, blamed and shamed. After the allegations were made, the girls were harassed, their ex boyfriends got involved, they had information dug up about them to hold against them. Very cruel people called them “whores” said “she was drunk” “ look at her she was asking for it” Just the thought of me speaking out against my predator with his authority is almost more terrifying than when it happened. The thought of what’s next if I say anything at all.... is the exact same reasons these girls stayed quiet for so long. It is in fact the most terrifying thing and the only thing in this world I am actually afraid of. The thought of “well, nobody will believe me” - “I already reported it and nothing happened”- “he’s a hero in the communities eyes but a monster in my own” - “but here I stand knowing I’m not alone.... waiting for the day someone says something so I can then come forward too” all these thoughts rushing, circulating, over and over..time after time. “When will it ever be the time?”...... hope.

As much as I fantasize over the concept of an eye for an eye, it wouldn’t fix anything besides making the whole damn world go blind. Society is already blind to this common form of sex abuse. A person in authority with good standing politically can do as he pleases as long as he stays consistent with his manipulation. This narcissistic behavior may never go away but should be put away. What these men fear the most is taking public accountability. Their stigma, reputation, and self image is more important than anything to them. For almost everyone of these girls, this is their first sexual experience. When you take the ability to love and express love from somebody and to totally damage it.....It profoundly effects their spirit, their psyche and emotional development. A man with power can take and steal YOU from YOU that will take an entire lifetime to ever get back. ONE VOICE....can lead to So Many other voices. I want to have hope.... my grandmother once told me to stop hoping and start believing.... I am trying.

#true crime #usa gymnastics #netflix #just watched #voice #freedom of speech #victims #50 shades of grey #usa today #spoilertv #documentary #you matter #your voice matters #internationally #ghost

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academiadaisies · 3 years

Text

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varieties of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3 (also this is a repost because I tried posting last night but it wouldn’t go to the tag, hope it works this time)

#studyblr #study #studying #student

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