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blissfullyecho · 2 years

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March 2023 "That Girl" Challenge

Helloooo :)

This is the 31-Day Challenge that I've created for us to do together this month. It's just something simple and fun. Enjoy! - BlissfullyEcho

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DAY 1: Deep clean your living space (bedroom, apartment, house, condo, camper, etc)

DAY 2: Deep clean your car (if you don't have a car, deep clean something else that you haven't done but should do: junk drawer, dresser, yoga mat, makeup brushes, etc)

DAY 3: Try a new (healthy!) recipe-- this could even be a healthy dessert or beverage

DAY 4: Try a guided meditation on YouTube for 10 minutes after waking up and before checking social media

DAY 5: Spend an extra 15 minutes working on something for school, work, hobbies, or your own personal development

DAY 6: Unfollow, delete, and block social media accounts and phone contacts that are just not part of your life anymore (or those who you plan on not having as a part of your life anymore)

DAY 7: Delete social media pictures that don't fit in with the best version of you. This could be the overedited photos, the thirst trap you put on there because that one person made you upset, etc.

DAY 8: Try a new workout that you haven't done. Pilates, ballet, barre, tennis, CrossFit, kickboxing, F45, cycling, running, swimming, etc.

DAY 9: Pamper your pet. Brush, clean, trim their nails, give them treats, etc. Go above and beyond for them today. (If you don't have animals, pamper yourself today!)

DAY 10: Enjoy the sunshine. Go outside (wear your sunscreen, sunglasses, and a hat) for 15-20 minutes and enjoy your own company and nature.

DAY 11: No phone 30 minutes before bed. Set your bedtime tonight, and set an alarm 30 minutes prior to that. Once your alarm goes off, put your phone on DND and read a book before bed. Read until you are tired enough to turn off your lights and sleep.

DAY 12: Watch a documentary about something and learn! Maybe it's something you've never had an interest in. Just please make it positive! No heartbreaking or tragic documentaries. Let's not invite that into our "That Girl" challenge.

DAY 13: Buy a self-care item. This could be a yoga mat, face mask, cleansing oil, the Bible, perfume, etc. It can be as expensive or inexpensive as you'd like.

DAY 14: Go out on a date with yourself. Take yourself out to do something you've never done/been to before.

DAY 15: Aim to drink at least 60oz. of pure water today.

DAY 16: Spend 30 minutes learning a language you've always wanted to learn (and if you love it, practice for 10 minutes a day afterward)

DAY 17: Turn your notifications off.

DAY 18: No social media today.

DAY 19: Do something creative today. Buy a canvas, paint, and a brush, and follow a Bob Ross tutorial; maybe buy a jewelry-making kit. Take today and be creative for at least 30 minutes.

DAY 20: 10,000 steps OR walk for an hour

DAY 21: Go through your finances and see where you can budget. Take this time to audit your subscriptions and see if you would like to cancel any recurring subscriptions to save you extra money each month.

DAY 22: Avoid eating animal products today. Just focus on whole grains, fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, water, and vitamins.

DAY 23: Schedule any doctor appointments you might have. If you don't have to, then take today to create a to-do list for the next 3 days.

DAY 24: Spend some time deleting pictures and making storage space in your phone. Any way you can-- it doesn't have to be from deleting your photos.

DAY 25: Listen to a new podcast or TedTalk.

DAY 26: Check your credit report/score and see if there's anything you need to do/complete.

DAY 27: Clear your email inbox and unsubscribe from the companies you don't shop from anymore.

DAY 28: Touch up on your resume.

DAY 29: Sort through your closet and throw away, donate, and sell your clothes and shoes that you don't wear (and that you know you'll never wear again)

DAY 30: Sort through your bathroom drawers and cabinets and organize them.

DAY 31: Create a vision board for April.

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nocturnallybee · 4 months

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the outsiders as demigods

this idea came to me in the form of immense hyperfixation

ponyboy: apollo. sure ponyboy may be the smartest greaser but MY GOD he does not have a strategic bone in his body. apollo's children are naturally gifted in anything involving projectiles and shooting, and ponyboy is the best shot in his family despite never really practicing. apollo's children are also naturally inclined towards a craft or art, in pony's case, literature.

sodapop: Poseidon. i debated between him and aphrodite for a while bc of soda's natural charm and charisma, but the horse thing. THE HORSE THING. the love he has for mickey and ponyboy being named ponyboy makes him need to be in the cabin of the god of horses. poseidon is also the middle child which i think reflects well.

darry: HERMES!!! hermes is the god of travellers and his cabin was the one with the acceptance policy for all unclaimed campers. the curtis house is open to all the boys incase they need a place to crash! hermes children are also natural 'jack of all trades' which fits with darry to me. THEY ARE ALSO NATURALLY GOOD WITH MONEY. darry is literally the head of household right after the curtis's die, and his ability to manage finance is insane. while he doesn't have the natural mischievous personality of a Hermes camper, he simply is one.

johnny: hebe! hebe for one is the goddess of youth, and johnny being so nonviolent kind of reflect this? idk. also it says they take pride in helping others and i think that perfectly describes johnny.

dally: nemesis. he reminds me of ethan nakamura in a way, fucked over by circumstance but trying for balance, for others (johnny). nemesis's children are loyal, and won't stop their pursuit of justice when someone has wronged them. which i feel like describes dally perfectly lol. dally isn't exactly balanced, nor truly doing everything for justice, but he does stick to his personal codes and morals, along with his immense loyalty.

two-bit: hermes! two-bit got sticky fingers and jokes! he's a shoe-in for the hermes cabin.

steve: hephaestus! he's at the DX, and the hephaestus cabin is pretty serious (aside from leo) so!

#the outsiders #ponyboy curtis #sodapop curtis #johnny cade #two bit mathews #steve randle #dallas winston #darry curtis

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usedpidemo · 8 days

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a tale of two (concert) halves... (storytime!)

I've made it clear over the past few updates that my real life struggles have really backed us into a corner. If the first half of 2024 was on hard difficulty, the second half has so far been on brutal. Personal relationships are falling apart, our physical health has been going through hell, and our finances are struggling to keep up with ever increasing debts. As much as I am a man of faith, I do struggle with maintaining such devout trust on the daily, because I am afraid of the worst.

But even during these tough times, it's comforting to know I won't be left for dead, and I can still find enjoyment in them.

Not gonna lie, I thought I would never attend a concert this year. IVE was coming back after a little over a year, but I didn't have money for it (and is something I still struggle to move on from). ITZY was coming back less than eight months when I saw them, but no Lia, and the ticket selling was insanely early (fuck you Live Nation). The only other girl group I think came here was fromis_9, which I still would love to see, but that was for a festival, so the setlist was extremely limited—and it was during finals week, so that was not gonna happen. There's just been an overall downturn of concerts compared to last year, so whether or not this is a good thing, you decide. (Seriously, no aespa, no (G)I-DLE, no NMIXX, etc.)

However—here comes Red Velvet, one of the holy trinity of 3rd gen girl groups (TwicePinkVelvet), celebrating their 10th anniversary with an Asia tour. By some miracle, I got a stimulus check two months ahead of my birthday, and yet it was still a hard decision, because I wasn't sure if other girl groups would also tour near the end of the year. Looking at what's to come for the last quarter of the year, I highly doubt it and 2025 is sure to be stacked, so it all paid off in retrospect.

It was a completely different experience than the first two outings. For one, it was fucking standing floor over seated, so I knew my body would be put through the torture rack. Second was the unpredictability of where I would end up—thankfully it wasn't first come first serve where I would be forced to camp early (which by the way, concert campers are disgusting and should be arrested). Still, my positioning would depend on my queuing number (which in itself was dependent on when you would buy your ticket, and obviously unless you got into the site as soon as it loaded up, the earlier), and while it wasn't completely shit—it still meant that a majority would get their preferred spot over mines.

Cut to the actual concert day and it was a tale of two halves. The first was the pre-concert, which wasn't all bad at the start—but then there was the queuing before entering the venue. I could have easily waited and taken my sweet time exploring and doing other shit, but I was pressured to queue early out of fear of not getting a good spot. I forgot that since it was queuing numbers, they would rearrange the line anyway, so I never really had a chance lmao. I really shot myself in the foot quite literally by adding an extra two hours standing around.

Everyone in VIP was given a bonus member card, and I didn't end up getting my bias. I tried bartering with other fans, but I absolutely failed. To add insult to injury, everyone else were able to trade and/or get theirs, so that fucking sucks.

It was also the first time I was forced to wear some kind of noise control for my ears. Didn't really have earplugs but Airpods were certainly a nice alternative. Fucking hell—this was the loudest of the three crowds I've ever been a part of, and it doesn't help that the audience would screech and shout out of tune. It was so goddamn annoying. Then you get to the ments/speeches, and they would just fucking bark and make monkey noises while the members were talking, and after performances. I counted a total of 12-14 times this happened throughout, and it never got any better. If the members weren't encouraging the audience, I'd probably have socked someone in the nose out of annoyance at some point.

As for the overall concert itself, I had a blast! I'm not that familiar with Red Velvet's colorful discography, but they performed most of their hits and title tracks (ripperoni Russian Roulette and Chill Kill). Not only that, but the set ran for almost 3 hours (2 hours 50 minutes as they did start like 10 minutes past schedule), and the energy persisted all throughout. Wendy was constantly flaunting her vocals, but Joy. Joy was absolutely fucking insane. Also, the fucking Zimzalabim encore is something everyone needs to experience once in their lifetime.

I wish I could say the pain was all worth it—but of course, life being life, it decides to fuck with me one more fucking time with the middle finger. After the show ended, we were all told to stay in our spots for the send-off event as everyone else were escorted out and the raffle winners from lower seating tiers were pulled in. We waited for 40 minutes, and then the members come out. It should be a cool moment! Except they were led by staff straight to the extended stage for a bit and then they'd get off, completely neglecting the sides, where me and a few others were. They would eventually go around the venue, but by the time we realized what has happening, it was too late—we never got to see them up close properly.

I'll be honest, while I don't feel as bothered thinking about it a few days on, when it happened, it almost ruined the entire experience for me. The organizers/staff had misdirected us and didn't organize properly, so some of us got a lesser experience than those who won the raffle, which is worse for us since we paid more. The send-off treatment here was way—way worse than in Bangkok and Jakarta, and it fucking pisses me off. We can't have shit in this country. I don't blame the girls for it; they were just following instructions and they had a flight to catch shortly after (not to mention they were tired as fuck). Still, the fact I paid so much for that underwhelming send-off experience just reinforces my opinion that hi-touches are simply better. At least everyone gets a fair shot, even if it was very brief. You can't win them all, I guess. I also do believe that it was bound to happen, the first two experiences were near-perfect and flawless in execution, so something had to give to bring me back down to earth.

Nevertheless, even if for just a few hours, it's nice to find some comfort and enjoyment despite the world around me crumbling down. To think that they're 10 years on and still as active as their younger contemporaries in K-pop is astounding. I can see why they're among the most beloved girl groups ever; there's only a handful with equal the talent and discography to match. This was also my first outing with a new camera, and when it was hitting, the shots were fucking hitting.

I really wish Bamboleo was part of the set tho.

#update #storytime

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ren1327 · 4 months

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A Look Back at my Benji Fics 1: Kenji's Family

So the first fanfiction I wrote was called Sweet Survivor. This was right after season one and before we knew when season two was coming out.

I had written it as a gift to my sister, as we both fell in love with one Benjamin Fitzgerald Pincus.

However...all I had was my knowledge from the books and movies. I had no idea where the story would go. So like those Pteranodons...I winged it.

But seriously. It led to my own lore when it came to the campers. If I was going to write my own ending, I had to make some guesses and choices how I saw characters. And I would reuse these characters again and again.

So first: The Kons

(Btw, this was pre-Daniel Kon. And I will collapse as not to cause endless scrolling for passers by)

Kosei Kon

Kosei was what I hoped Daniel could’ve been.

I had created him between Season 1 and 2 of Camp Cretaceous when writing Sweet Survivor and kept him as “Kenji’s Dad” in every one of my fics since.

Kosei was someone who was selfish and needed a reality check. Someone who pushed his son to the side, but would do anything to keep him safe and sound. Who would be able to look at himself and do anything for Kenji’s safety.

Daniel Kon, he is not.

A lot of the background with Kosei was he was in construction and/or finance. I also put in a few fics he and Simon were best friends in their twenties and while Simon got more whimsical, Kosei got more serious. He was also from a traditional family who valued hard work, but not really family ties.

A very "I bust my ass, so you don't have to" mentality that backfires tremendously.

This would change during his second marriage and the Jurassic World incident.

I’ll go into Candy later, but she was the fuse that started the fire under his ass when it came to not only finding his son, but repairing their relationship. Most fics also had him a little awkward with his younger daughter, another OC, since I had a theory Kenji was only raised by nannies and saw his dad once a day in person or on facetime. So he being around for nightly feedings and the terrible twos and first everythings were something he had yet to experience.

Another funny quirk is he tries to learn about things he doesn’t understand, like phrases or other sexualities, hence why he’s a little overenthusiastic about Kenji being bisexual because “You’ve trained for this possibility, Kosei!”

A big part of making Kosei was making him terrible at poor communication and posturing instead of comforting his obviously emotionally neglected son. He would find it hard and way too new, but he was always written to, despite being a bit aloof and closed off, ready to finally step up when his son needed him for life advice or just to pass the time.

He’s also not afraid to put his career and reputation on the line when it comes to his children.

Candela "Candy" Kon

Candy was kinda a throw away line from Kenji and never mentioned again.

We didn’t know back then if she was his dad’s girlfriend, his stepmom or just an assistant for Mr. Kon. I went to the stepmom angle cause it almost felt like the scene from “Up” when Russel talked about his dad.

I really really reeeeeeally am tired of the evil stepmother trope.

So I created Candela Kon, Kosei’s wife. (I will be referring to my OC Kosei Kon rather than Daniel Kon as Kenji’s father.)

I wanted her and Kenji to have an awkward relationship rather than a hostile one. It was more important to me that she was trying, and it just was…awkward. I 100% believe Kenji’s Dad, Daniel or Kosei, would marry without informing Kenji or Candy. And she would ream him out and immediately try to bond with Kenji, cause her husband may be a clueless dolt, but there’s a child now and his feelings are the most important thing right now.

Since Jurassic Park is located on Isla Nublar set in Costa Rica, I wanted her to be an orphan who grew up there and later immigrated to America before returning to work at Jurassic World.

Her being an orphan was never really touched on, but it would help her connect with Kenji, as she knows how it is to want parents and they're not there.

On top of that, she often had the stereotypical health crazes, though toned enough that it was more a pursuit of knowledge to see what was good or beneficial to her family. Hence why she would like Ben so much, as I wrote him not only as food conscious, but also with an interest in herbology for medical purposes. (More about that later.)

Before the series, she and Kosei would meet and start their romance because of a pregnancy that unfortunately didn’t make it to term. Candy would have built a relationship with Kosei, and both agree to stay married as they make each other happy and both love Kenji.

Carmen Kon

Carmen was the daughter of Kosei and Candy, and Kenji’s baby sister. In most stories, she is Candy's rainbow baby.

Most of the time she’s between the ages of yet to be born and 15. At any age, she’s a pretty chill little kid who loves games, her babysitter/nanny Dave and Kenji.

As a kid under 6, she’s obsessed with Kenji and later Ben. Usually getting very excited any time Kenji enters a room, she’s often corralled by Dave, who I love too much not to come back in every fic.

As a teen in Sweater Weather, she is very self-conscious, as she’s being bullied for not being like her brother by other schoolmates. She keeps to her games and loves the mall, but will have bad days where she shuts off her phone and walks around the properties. She bonds with Ben over being bullied and shares her interests in video games and gender studies.

So that's the Kons.

Thank you guys for dealing with my breaks. I am trying to write when I can. Have a good summer.

#jurassic world camp cretaceous #jurassic world chaos theory #kenji x ben #jwcc benji #kenji kon #ben pincus #camp cretaceous #jwcc #jwcc fanfics #jwct fanfics

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probablynotnothing · 4 months

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This job brings the worst out of me and makes me ill. I need to remember I am not encapsulated by the confines of this job. I need to remember I love myself even when I see assholery towards me when I would normally just blame myself for being hateable. I need to try to create a mindset of dignity even when this world wants me to have none. I need to get my finances in order so I can stay in this job with a roommate to lower my expenses, get rid of my debt, and be free to try different things like maybe going back to work exchanges on farms with a camper van to transport me. I need to be honest with myself about my own emotion and not look to other people to tell me what is okay to think and feel, especially in personal relationships.

#anti capitalism #antiwork

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crash-bump-bring-the-whump · 1 year

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Day 13 - Flood

Someone on a whump server I'm in wanted to see this!! Here you go Tonkin!! Also omg this is the longest Whumptober I've done, no wonder it took me so long to finish at 3.2k words.

Ping list: @ailesswhumptober, @whumperofworlds, @whump-captain, @whumpbees

TWs: Starvation, self-sacrifice, environmental whump, disordered eating, lost in the woods

"Hm." Mariano frowned, watching the river rushing past. A freak storm had swept in late in the previous night, turning the creek from a pleasant wading experience into something that would be dangerous to cross. It hadn't even stopped raining, yet. "No, we're not getting across that until it settles down."

Jeremy, the next most experienced camper of the group crossed his arms, sighing. "That's what I was afraid of. That was our one way out." He bit his lip, looking back towards Mariano and then towards where the other two men of their group were huddled by the fire. "And we don't have much food left. Maybe...enough for tomorrow. No signal to call for help, either."

Mariano followed his gaze before looking Jeremy over. Blond, late twenties, he worked in finance and had a wife and a miniature poodle. Hiking and camping were his biggest hobbies. The others weren’t much different.

He'd make sure they all made it home.

"That's alright. I know how to fish, and clean a catch." Mariano said, rolling his shoulders as they started to walk back to the others. Bastian was out of town too, so they were truly stranded. "Plus I always bring extra supplies, just in case."

Jeremy's eyes lit up. "Really?" He asked, relief flooding his voice. "God, you're a lifesaver."

Mariano laughed, shrugging. "I'm just paranoid. I'd rather have stuff and not need it."

It wasn't great breaking the news that they were stranded for at least another day or two, but the others seemed relieved when Mariano said he'd brought extra supplies. "Rice, nutrition bars, some canned tuna..." He listed off the food as he rifled through his emergency bag, tucked away in the corner of his tent. "And some bleach, to purify water in case we can't boil it for some reason. I can probably forage some stuff too, plenty of oaks around for mushrooms."

"Jesus, you really do know your stuff." Marcus looked at Jeremy, grinning.

"I see why you were so relaxed about coming up here." Brent said, nodding in agreement.

"We'll need to cut down to one meal each a day, but this will keep us going." Jeremy said.

The two of them continued chatting as Mariano packed away his supplies. He took a long breath, held it, then let it out. This was going to be the best he'd feel until they got out. It was going to be a long few days.

The first day was the worst. Mariano knew it would be. He awoke that morning to the drizzle of rain and the expected hunger pangs. All he could do was sit up and drink from his water bottle.

He needed to skip his meal of the day. That was fine. The other men weren't used to pushing through starvation, and once the initial hunger settled then he'd be mostly alright.

The checklist for the first day was blessedly simple, at least. Mariano needed to check on their water source, then possibly locate another that they could boil and sanitize if the first became inaccessible. He needed to see what was edible in the area. Then, he needed to rest.

If he could figure out the best paths to everything they needed, then if they were trapped for longer than expected the others could follow his directions to get to their resources.

Mariano grimaced as he followed his markers towards the back-up water source. He felt too light on his feet as he made his way up the hill to the little, crisp spring he'd found. The gallon water bottle he kept with his supplies made a decent water transport, even if it felt heavy in his clumsy fingers.

It was only day two.

Luis would be disappointed.

Mariano grimaced as he filled the bottle, struggling to cap it again. He used to be able to go days without eating without his hands shaking so badly. He was getting soft. He couldn't be getting soft while the others were relying on him--two days was nothing.

He set the water on to boil when he got back to camp. A can of cold tuna and a nutrition bar each wasn't going to be tasty, but the other men would be able to keep going a little bit longer with the extra carbs. He slipped his own bar into his pocket "for later".

If someone else needed it, he'd be glad he had it.

Mariano grimaced as he stumbled through the trees, foraging guide in hand. The only thing he was truly confident in picking were chicken of the woods, but luckily there were plenty of oak trees around. He felt the ground subtly swaying under his feet as he steadied himself.

It was fine. If he did a good enough job then they'd all be able to eat comfortably until they left. Brent had a cast iron skillet, and it would be easy enough to boil some rice and cook the mushrooms to make something halfway decent.

An hour into his slow foraging, Mariano saw it: the peachy shelves of their salvation growing on an old oak tree. Tears started at his eyes as he rushed forward, tugging the laminated guide from his pocket. The color was right, the caps were right, this was the right environment and there were no deadly lookalikes. Carefully, with shaking hands, Mariano opened up his pocket knife and began slicing off the mushrooms.

He loaded down his arms, resorting to using the front of his hoodie as a makeshift basket to carry the chicken of the woods in. It took him twice as long to get back to camp, but he was greeted with three delighted faces when he sat down with the spoils. Brent started cleaning and cooking the mushrooms while Mariano laid down for a nap.

When he was shaken awake again for dinner, it took everything he had to not lick his bowl of rice and mushrooms clean. There would be more, Mariano reminded himself. Brent had stored what he didn't cook for the next day's breakfast and lunch.

They had food now.

They would be okay.

"What happened?!" The shout woke Mariano, who needed to take a moment to let the world stop spinning once he'd sat up. Brent sounded furious.

Dread settled into Mariano's stomach.

He crawled out of his tent to see Brent hastily rummaging through the bags that they'd kept the food in. Jeremy watched in concern, as Marcus wringed his hands. All that remained was some uncooked rice and a few cans of tuna. "We had way more than this last night, what the fuck happened?" Brent demanded.

Silence settled over the group, oppressive and heavy.

"Speak up. What happened to all the food?" He repeated. "There aren't any tracks around. Who ate it?"

Marcus looked away. Jeremy had started to tear up. Mariano didn't need the training he had to have an idea about who had done it.

"Brent." He started, crawling out and getting to his feet. The meager meal from the night before had already been spent by his body and he was ravenous again. "Yelling won't help anything. The food is already gone, we'd be better off spending our energy making a--"

Mariano was cut off by a fist slamming into his jaw. Jeremy's horrified noise was drowned out by Brent's fury as he roared and swung again. The second punch connected too, but Mariano managed to snag his wrists before a third could land.

"It was you!" Brent snarled, fury in his bright eyes. "You did it, that's why you're so calm right now--"

Mariano used his grip to slam Brent up against a tree. "Shut up." He didn't growl as he pinned Brent's wrists with one hand and got his other palm pressed to his chest. He spoke low and quiet, his own anger burning just as cold as Luis always liked. "Be quiet, Brent."

Brent didn't struggle, all his vitriol gone. Mariano knew his grip was bruising. He knew he loomed and filled Brent's whole world right then. "I'm calm because I know what to do. This isn't my first time going through something like this." Brent swallowed as Mariano continued. "Spending your energy yelling and fighting won't help anyone. Not when we could split up to forage and fish."

He released Brent all at once and reached into his hoodie pocket. He shoved the nutrition bar into Brent's hands. "I saved mine two days ago. Take it and settle down."

Jeremy offered Mariano worried words and gentle hands as he walked back to the sheltered fire pit. Marcus didn't say anything. He grabbed the fishing rod, though, and crept away. Jeremy insisted on Mariano sitting to rest while he went to try his hand at foraging.

Neither Mariano nor Brent uttered a word to each other while they were alone.

When Marcus came back with two small fish, though, Brent muttered an apology. Mariano sat at the firepit, cleaning their tiny dinner as water for more rice and soup boiled away. He shook his head.

"Hunger does things to you." Mariano said, handing the first carcass over. "We trained for this sort of situation when I was in the military."

"How long...?" Brent ventured to ask, the question dying between them.

"My record was ten days with only water." Mariano started scaling the other fish. "But I was nineteen back then, a much younger, stronger man. Fewer greys." Mariano laughed, gently, and Brent laughed with him.

"Could've fooled me." Brent said, just as softly. "Felt like I'd fucked with a bear or something when you pinned me. Gotta show me your workout routine."

"I will, I will." Mariano said, giving him a small smile. "After we've gotten home, eaten, and slept for a week."

The atmosphere eased, and even though Jeremy had been unsuccessful, by the time the others gathered to eat things were back to normal. Mariano managed to get down a few bites of rice before giving the rest of his share to the others. His head just ached too much to keep down more food than that.

The light drizzle had stopped by the time Mariano managed to doze off.

Mariano's eyes were heavy by the fifth day. His head was filled with cotton and ached horribly. He hadn't slept meaningfully, but there was no point in getting up.

Mariano could smell the unsalted rice boiling. It made his jaw ache. He swallowed down saliva, nausea roaring loud and hot in his stomach. It was the worst thing he'd ever smelled, and the best. He wanted to eat the whole pot.

He would never do that to them.

"Mariano!" Jeremy's voice raked through his skull and he groaned. The man ducked into his tent. "Mariano, come look at the river with me."

Mariano scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve before slowly getting to his hands and knees. "Yeah...yeah I can do that." He said.

When he finally looked at Jeremy, he saw worry etched into the man's brow. "Whoa...you're looking a little sick. Are you okay?"

Mariano waved a hand in the air as he crawled towards the flap of his tent. "I just have a headache." He said, blinking hard in the sunlight.

Jeremy hummed and muttered some sincere sympathy. He offered Mariano his jacket to drape over his head to help block out some of the sun. They walked the short distance to the creek.

Still too high, still too fast.

Mariano shook his head. "It would need to be lower...at least down to our knees for us to cross safely."

Jeremy bit his lip. "Do you...will it go down in time for us to get out of here? Rationing like we are, we still only have enough food for another day or two."

Mariano looked up at the clouds, then down at the water. "In this sort of place it usually only takes a few days after rain stops for the creeks to calm down. We...we won't be comfortable, but we'll be able to leave."

Jeremy let out a sigh of relief so great that Mariano almost felt like the short trek had been worth it. He moderated his breathing anyway until he was back in his tent, collapsing onto his sleeping bag again.

He was chilled. He was hungry. He couldn't sleep.

Mariano took a drink from his water bottle before he crawled out. He crumpled up the now-empty rice bag and stored it with the rest of their trash. It was easy to assure the others that he would watch the rice while they tried to find more mushrooms. Marcus knew what to look for, and he swore to only collect chicken of the woods.

Mariano said he'd already eaten his share when they got back, empty-handed.

They believed him.

Day six brought a stubborn, but improved, creek and an unsuccessful foraging session. Jeremy lost their fishing pole in the river and cried. Mariano talked him through it.

"I don't want to die here." Jeremy sniffled, and Mariano shook his head. It sent the world spinning off of its axis. He didn't sway where he sat.

"I won't let you die here." Mariano said. "Everyone is going home, even if we feel terrible on the way there."

Jeremy had reached for his hand. Mariano didn't deny him. It was easier to quell the shaking, right then.

Mariano watched them divvy up the pack of tuna cans. One each. It was the last of their food.

He squirreled his away in the corner of his tent when he retreated from the smell of the fish cooking. Stomach churning, he hid it under a discarded shirt that he usually wrapped his hair in at night. It would be a surprise for tomorrow. The others would have a little more protein to get them through the day.

He didn't need it.

Mariano lowered himself down onto his sleeping bag and dozed, the persistent headache he'd had keeping him from fully falling under.

"Mariano?" Someone was there. Someone was patting his face. "No--he's breathing, look." What was going on?

Mariano managed to get his eyes open. Midday sun streamed in through the flap of his tent. Marcus and Jeremy hovered over him. Brent was crouched just behind them at the opening, the tent far too small for everyone to fit inside.

"What...?" His thoughts were sluggish, struggling to catch up with everything. The light was too bright. It felt like he was floating.

"Thank goodness," Marcus said, relief washing over his face. "We've been trying to wake you up for a few minutes now. The creek is good and low, and we're mostly packed up. Your stuff is all that's left."

Mariano felt hope soar in his chest. All he had to do was help pack up and then hike the two miles to the trailhead. Easy. He'd done this when he was younger on even less food.

"Good...good. That's perfect." His usual lack of intonation seemed amplified. The others shared a look between themselves.

Mariano sat up and fumbled for his glasses, his arms almost giving out as he got to his hands and knees. “Whoa!” Jeremy jumped to keep Mariano from falling on his face, arms looping around his waist to help him sit. “Hey, you’ve been looking bad for the last few days. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing bad.” Mariano said, blinking hard as he got his glasses perched on his nose. “Wanted to help extend the food, since I didn’t bring that much.”

“What?” Jeremy asked.

“You didn’t.” Brent cut in, voice low. “You have not been fucking starving yourself this whole time.”

Everyone looked at Mariano, and he couldn’t read their expressions. “Not the whole time.” He said, leaning into Jeremy more. “I ate the mushrooms and rice. And that can of tuna a few days ago.”

Marcus reached out and slapped him before anyone could stop him. “What the fuck–?!”

Mariano was glad that he still had the brain to glare at him when his head stopped spinning. Before Jeremy could say anything, Mariano spoke up again. “If I’d been eating we…we would’ve run out of food days ago. You three are still pretty okay, and I can walk with help. I…I knew that I couldn’t have carried everyone down. Survival over comfort.”

Silence fell hard and fast in the tent.

“You’re an idiot…” Marcus muttered, not able to hold eye contact with Mariano. “I’m not going to thank you for that.”

“Marcus is just–worried.” Jeremy cut in. “We can pack up and get going in a few, since you’re awake now. C’mon, let me help you outside.”

“I can–” Mariano tried, only to be swatted by Marcus again.

“Shut up, you’re not doing anything. You look like you’ll faint if you try to stand.” Brent said, extending his arms to take Mariano from Jeremy.

He hated to admit it, but Mariano felt immeasurable relief at the idea of not having to pack up his things. While he was sitting outside, the world gently swaying under him, he listened to the quiet, exasperated chatter of the three working together. It was relaxing, and before long they were emerging with packed bags in hand.

A little can was shoved into Mariano’s hands and opened. “We found this in your tent, dumbass. Eat.” Brent said, and Mariano realized that it was the can of tuna he’d saved.

“This was supposed to be for breakfast, I thought that you three–” Mariano started, before Brent pressed it harder into his grip.

“No. We’ll be okay until we can hit some burger place. You’ve had almost nothing. Eat.”

The growl settled something in Mariano’s chest, and he nodded. “...Alright. Okay.” When he bit into the first cold bit of fish, it tasted like the best thing he’d ever eaten. Just that little portion felt lifesaving, it felt like his joints wouldn’t fall apart quite so easily if he did too much.

Soon enough the tents were all packed away, the bags were ready to be carried, and Mariano had one of Jeremy’s arms around his waist as they started crossing the stream. The ground felt unsteady, and they still almost slipped a few times on the riverbed–they would’ve never made it across when it was higher and faster.

By the time they arrived back at their two cars Mariano was leaning heavily on Jeremy. He couldn’t catch his breath or keep his eyes open. The “thank you” he mumbled wasn’t nearly as clear as he would’ve preferred as he was helped into the passenger seat.

“I know you said you don’t need a hospital, but…I think it might be a good idea to go anyway.” Jeremy said, starting his car and following Brent's down the road. “You know, so we can all get checked out and charge our phones. I’m sure Miranda isn’t terribly happy that our group went missing for a week.”

Mariano sighed and nodded. “Okay, okay…hospital it is.” He knew when he was defeated, but he also knew that it was okay. He could rest. The others had things handled from here.

#whump #ailesswhumptober2023 #ailesswhumptoberday13 #day 13 #flood #starvation #environmental whump #self sacrifice #disordered eating #lost in the woods #mage of violence #jeremy #brent #marcus #just in case bc those three were fun to write

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chi-ow-hua · 7 months

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tw: intrusive thoughts, compulsion stuff (but like, mental health, not magic), ableism, mentions of drugs and addiction

Will, as most of the people who bother to unmask his easygoing persona will gladly tell you, is a bit of a control freak.

He doesn't actually know what drugs feel like. He knows Michael used to smoke weed with the Stolls sometimes. "Only way to deal with all these suicidal fuckheads" he'd grumble when Will glared at him in disapproval. But that was always away from the rest of camp and also not a very regular occurence. Will knows that because he started secretly going through Michael's dirty laundry after he caught him the first time, and Mike was always very bad at hiding the smell. (He managed to hold himself back from doing the same for the Stolls, though. He can justify it to himself if it's his own siblings; but elder teens from another cabin he barely talks to? That would just be deranged behavior.)

Will has never partaken in hard drugs or known someone who does. He has never experienced addiction, or met anyone suffering from one. Not as far as he knows, anyways. He can reluctantly admit that his paranoia regarding addiction probably borders on irrational. He knows a huge number of campers were not very happy at the abrupt decline of drugs and medication in the infirmary after the mantle of head medic got thrust upon him - including his own siblings, who know he would rather spend more energy than necessary on his healing than just sucking it up and prescribing some fucking advil.

But he looks at the neatly labeled opioids and over-the-counter drugs and all he can think about is schizophrenia and apoplexy and overdosing. Besides, Chiron seemed very happy with Will's new policy. "It will save us so much money" he'd muttered in utter delight, and Will realized he'd never thought much about how camp financed itself. He'd assumed the gods just... created money. Or something. But he should've figured that anything even resembling child support would have them hightailing in the opposite direction.

The drugs are locked away in a cabinet. Will used to have the only key. Upon severe complaints from his cabin and multiple attempted heists, he reluctantly gave Chiron the backup. He tries not to think about Austin's disappointment when he refused to give it to him. It had been a silent plea for trust, and Will is ashamed to say that he can't. Not when it comes to this.

Will knows that his siblings would never do anything. They are reliable and responsible and have endured too many lectures to ever be this stupid. He knows very well that they would never abuse of the cabinet, because he actively reminds himself of that fact every time he sees Kayla pale and trembling and with vomit stains on her camp shirt or Gracie so gaunt you can count every single one of her tiny ribs. Images that are not real and could never be real because they are all smart and responsible and reliable and would never abuse of the cabinet.

He still doesn't give them a key, though.

For all that will can't stop thinking about morphine and oxycodone and hydrocodone, he doesn't feel any desire to try them. The problem isn't him. It's the others. Because they hear the words but they don't know them. Not like Will does. They don't understand it, don't see the risks, don't feel the symptoms, don't see their siblings. Will knows better, and it is his duty as head medic to protect them. "i will give no deadly medicine to any one if asked, nor suggest any such counsel". Will tried to make the rest of his cabin learn the hippocratic oath too, but was severely outlaughed and outvoted. "You aren't even old enough to go to uni", as if that made a difference. Maybe Will isn't a doctor in the traditional sense, but he is the closest thing camp has.

Everyone can get caught up in an addiction, Will knows that all too well. Especially if you think that you are immune somehow, stronger than your own biology. No one is. Will knows that. Just as he knows that he will not become an addict because he knows better and has never once used the key always hanging around his neck. Another pearl, another year without an overdose. Maybe he is a control freak, maybe it would make things easier for everyone involved, maybe he knows that there must be something wrong with him, but maybe he is also saving his fellow campers lives. Maybe doing anything else would rob him his sleep, even more than it already does. "Its patronizing", Kayla said quietly. She is always loud, except when she is really angry. But maybe there is nothing wrong with his urge to protect. Why should she know better than him, anyways?!

The acetone and disinfectant are locked in a different cabinet. Everyone has a key for that one, because they are always in demand. "Why", tired and confused and annoyed and not actually expecting an answer. "There's a precedent" had been his non-answer, doing exactly as they'd known he would. Will can only use the disinfectant that is already in the dispenser. He threw his own key into the lake, one of the times he'd volunteered to care for their overnight patients on his own. (He knows he has the only key besides chiron, but it's better to be safe than sorry.) The patients were sleeping. The key had been on his necklace, tinkling along with the other, and then the bottle of desinfectant had been in his hand. He'd managed to put it back. Then he had run towards the shore before he could change his mind. He felt the splash in his bones, imagined it sinking into the depths of the lake. Hoped it stayed gone forever while simultaneously having to hold himself back from jumping in after it. Will couldn't become addicted, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

There was no reasonable way to lock away the soap in the bathroom. That was okay, though. He was used to staring, and most of the time he managed to wash the foam down the drain.

Will is in Nico's cabin, waiting for the other to return from the arena. He knows it's a privilege. Nico doesn't like his cabin. Nico really doesn't like people being in his cabin, especially without him. He keeps threatening to reform and redecorate, but always finds an excuse not to go through with it in the end. Will is starting to think that that is by design. It makes him a bit sad to think about. Of course Nico would also have his idiosyncrasies, being a child of the big three, but it's still painful. He wishes he could do something to make it better. Will still looks forward to their potential ikea trip whenever Nico mentions it.

Nico trusts Will. Or at least he hasn't invited anyone else to hang out in his cabin besides Reyna, Jason and his sister, which has to count for something. He stares at the pile of laundry - all black, except for one obnoxious yellow sweater he'd stolen from Will. Will hadn't asked for it back, even though it was soft and comforting and had been a gift to him from his mom. He'd always taken it off before performing any medical procedures - something he stopped bothering with for the rest of his clothes - meaning it was miraculously blood-free. He remembers being a bit surprised when Nico had clung onto this one, out of everything. Normally he tended towards the goriest ones. Said the stains were necessary in order not to clash with his aesthetic.

Nico prefers to keep to himself, values his personal space and his privacy. But Will looks and can't stop staring. Deranged, he remembers thinking. He'd barely been able to justify it when doing it to his brother. Doing it to anyone else would be-. Especially to Nico. Nico, who trusted him to stay alone in his cabin. Nico, who was one of the few campers to never ask for something to relieve the pain. Werewolf scratches were known to be particularly painful. Why had he never asked? (wouldn't he be doing him a favor? "into whatever houses i enter, i will go into them for the benefit of the sick")

Will, as most of the people who bother to unmask his easygoing persona will gladly tell you, is a bit of a control freak. He tries to tell himself that it isn't wrong. Tries to convince himself that it is, that there is nothing he could say or think that could justify it. Deranged. Will thinks he hears steps approaching and launches himself onto Nico's bed, where he'd been sitting before. The laundry pile - in even more disarray than before - glares disapprovingly. Only way to deal with it, he says. I'm doing it for nico, he begs to himself. Then why are you trying to hide it, his mind answers. Will tries to look away from the pile, but can't stop his eyes from glancing back.

"I'm gonna shower real quick, okay?" Nico, opening the door. "Have fun", Will answers, actively not looking at the laundry. And then, because he loves the nonsensical shot of adrenaline and superiority it gives him, "I see you found my sweater. You know, the one that mysteriously disappeared last week."

He holds his breath. Will doesn't know what he was expecting, but Nico doesn't deliver. Barely even glances at the pile. "I was literally wearing it yesterday, Solace. I know you know it. You were there." And then he rolls his eyes and disappears behind the bathroom door. And Will suppresses the urge to follow him inside and eat his soap.

#how do you even tag this #there is definitely some compulsion and intrusive thoughts going on here #not superiority complex not inferiority complex but a secret third thing #and anxiety. definitely some of that too.#tw drugs #tw ableism #let me know if there is anything important i forgot to tag?#does drinking disinfectant count as sh??#will solace #solangelo #this was supposed to be about SAD???#not main tagging nico cuz dude barely even appears

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lightofthemoonglow · 1 year

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Hi idk if you take requests through here but I saw that you write for Milton Dammers and I'd love to request a short fic of him. Sfw or nsfw is okay

Yes, I do take requests! It’s just been a crazy time for me. And i lost the last half of this, but i wanted to get it out because you had been waiting for too long. But i did write some Milton stuff for kinktober that’s coming out tomorrow (10/16)

Summary: you only see him when you’re not fully yourself

Contains: some sort of relationship with a ghost. A lot of handwaving to get to the main plot. Mentions of divorce, infidelity

–

This had been your husband’s idea. Buying and fixing up this old hospital, turn it into a bed and breakfast or maybe some sort of museum. He had what everyone calls ‘fuck you money’, so it hadn’t really affected your finances. All it had required was for you to pick up and move to the other side of the country, leaving behind all of your friends and family. Thankfully as a writer, you can work from anywhere, even a camper parked behind a rundown old hospital.

The two of you hadn’t been the first to try and fix up the place. After some sort of incident back in the 90s, there had been renewed interest in the property. It had been passed around, one hopeful to another. So it’s not long before enough has been repaired for you to move in and actually live in the place.

But that had been long enough for your husband to get bored of the endeavor and leave. It’s a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. A man finds out the reality of a situation that is of his own making isn’t as fun as the fantasy and leaves his wife of nearly a decade for a lifestyle influencer that can’t even legally rent a car. And the wife is left picking up the pieces. You’ve seen this play out a thousand times in the three decades plus a few years you’ve been on this earth and it’s not fun being on the other side of things.

Since your name is on everything and the settlement is fucking amazing due to how things ended, along with alimony, you can afford to stay in Fairwater. So you do.

Not long afterwards, things start getting weird.

You wake up and you’re both exhausted and not where you had fallen asleep. Things have been moved and you don’t remember doing it. Sometimes, you swear that you can hear a voice and it’s like whoever he is…he’s standing right behind you. You can feel fingers on the back of your neck, sometimes even in your hair. Sleepwalking has been a problem since you were a child, that isn't a new thing. What's new is how you feel afterwards, this presence that has been lurking ever since you started doing it again.

So you install a camera that you get from some guy named Frank, who claims his stuff can see what the naked eye cannot and hope for the best.

When you watch the footage the night after, you drop your cup of coffee.

You’re up, you’re about, you’re talking to…something. It’s not much, but it’s definitely something weird. It’s a silvery blob that’s vaguely human shaped. You can see fingers form from the blob, you can see them reaching out, grazing your face before it flickers and then vanishes. There's a respectable distance between you and whoever, whatever this is. Someone wants their personal space and you wonder which one of you it is.

You want to know who this is. What he wants, if he wants anything.

–

Milton has seen so many people come and go from this place since he’s been here.

He isn’t trapped here. But he prefers to stay here, away from society. Away from the noise, the chaos of the world out there. Thanks to him, this place has not been occupied for long. But you won’t leave, no matter what he does. And it hits him that you haven’t noticed. In the haze that has come over you since your husband has left, you don’t care that things are out of place. The odd noises go unheard, even his presence is only noticed when you’re sleepwalking.

It’s as if you know what pain is, beyond what he’s witnessed. If only he still had the tools at his disposal that he’d had in life.

Five nights after you try that camera, you’re up again.

You move through the house in silence and Milton barely manages to shove a table in the way to keep you from falling down the stairs. You look right at him, as if seeing him for the first time even though he’s been following you since you got out of bed.

“I missed you,” you whisper, reaching for him in the dark, as if by instinct.

“You don’t. You can’t.” Because in the morning, you won’t remember this. You won’t remember this, standing with him in the hallway, talking to home with an ease people had never had around him when he’d been alive. You won’t remember him tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers going through the shell of it, unable to make contact for more than a second.

“Maybe one day, I will.”

And all he can do is hope that will come to pass.

#my writing

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rv-on-fire · 1 year

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Is The End Near?

Is the end near for our full-time RV adventure? Read our latest blog and find out why it's a possibility.

As athletes age there naturally comes a time when the conversation turns towards trying to determine how much one has left in the tank. Eventually, athletes begin to ponder life after their sport. This inevitably leads to public statements which then leads to questions being asked. It’s the common progression in sports that points to the fact that the end is near. The old adage in sports is that…

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everystephoftheway · 1 year

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camp cloudtop: chapter thirteen

Did I get this plot concept from Blue’s Big Musical Movie? Yes, yes I did.

This can be found on ao3 as well.

Keyleth curled over the table they had commandeered in the back of a small restaurant, the fake metal border poking at the base of her hands where it had started to warp off the cheap wooden table. She was squished between Vax and Percy, Vex squished between her brother and Keyleth. They were supposed to be inconspicuous, having a private conversation in public without seeming like anything was private, but four twenty-somethings wrapped around a table in a decently busy diner at four in the afternoon wasn’t exactly the stealthiest thing.

“So did you get any more information out of Gilmore?” Vex started off, keeping her voice hushed so wandering waiters and customers headed for the bathroom couldn’t hear.

“Yes and no,” Vax leaned in, clearly frustrated by his lack of answers. “Enrollment was down nearly twenty percent this year. He said he wasn’t sure why so many former campers didn’t return, but he was happy to keep going for this year. He didn’t give specifics, but it didn’t seem like the finances were that much of a problem. Then he said the Briarwoods stopped by and told him their proposal–buying the land from him–and he said he thought about it and decided to agree.”

The table was quiet for a moment, each person mulling over the new information. Percy tabled his chin on his folded hands, an eyebrow quirking as he spoke first. “Unfortunate as it is, that doesn’t exactly sound like an illogical progression of events. Not to sound like Kash–” he glanced at Keyleth, “--no offense–but perhaps we should simply honor Gilmore’s decision?”

“No, because you didn’t see the look in Gilmore’s eyes. It was…distant.”

“What do you mean?” Keyleth leaned even further forward only to immediately revert back when Percy cleared his throat, alerting her to the fact that she went right in front of him.

“Even if Gilmore did decide to take the money and sell the land, Camp Cloudtop is his pride and joy. You’d assume he’d have some emotions about it, right?”

The group nodded in unison.

“Well…he didn’t. His expression was…blank. Or, even worse, like he was trying to act sad when he wasn’t.”

“Hm. Gilmore’s not exactly the type to hide his feelings,” Vex chimed in. “Even if he was trying to protect you.”

“Do you think he’s been charmed?”

Everyone looked at Keyleth as she offered the idea, and suddenly–despite no argument–it felt very stupid.

“I mean, I don’t know who these Briarwood people are, but maybe they have magic? Though, I don’t know why they’d want this land so bad to go through all the trouble. Did he tell you anything about that?”

Vax shook his head. “No. To be honest, I’m not even sure if he knows. In theory, they may have never told him; all they claimed was they wanted the land and were willing to pay.”

“I can look into that,” Percy said, raising a hand. “See what I can find about their background, what they may want the land for.”

“See if they have any magic usage in their history.” Keyleth shrugged. “It can’t hurt.”

Percy nodded, though he didn’t seem as intrigued by the notion as Keyleth did.

“In the meantime, we need to come up with some ideas on how to help Gilmore raise enough money where selling the land is unnecessary.”

“Do you know how much money that might be?”

Vax eyed his hands on the table for a moment, not looking up when he muttered, “Five hundred.”

“Five hundred gold?” Vex’s voice grew two octaves higher and probably six decibels louder, and she was quickly shushed by her brother before she continued. “You expect us to make five hundred gold? In how long? Before summer’s end?”

“And we need to get enrollment back up.”

“And how do you expect we do that?”

“Well, that’s why we’re here, Stubby.”

Keyleth’s brow furrowed. “Stubby?”

The glare she got from Vex silenced any further questions on the nickname.

“We’re here to brainstorm,” Vax continued, ignoring the quick side conversation. “Come up with some ideas on how to raise the money and get more people interested in the camp.”

“Percy,” Vex gestured to him, “you come from a rich family. You want to make a handsome donation?”

“A dead rich family,” he said with a surprisingly neutral expression. “I can’t touch the money until I’m twenty-five. It’s stuck in trust.”

“Bake sales are good.”

Vax points at Keyleth, smiling. “Bake sales are good. What else?”

The group sat and thought for a while, ping-ponging ideas back and forth until Percy randomly mentions, “What about a talent show? Cass’ old school used to put them on when she was little.”

The whole group perked up; Keyleth immediately started to imagine the auditorium all decorated and full of people, campers and parents and townsfolk, and a nice, full entrance fee box right at the door.

“That could get the whole camp involved. That means all their families would want to come.”

“We need to get the entire town involved if we want to reach our goal,” Vex countered.

“We can do that too. Open admissions to the public. This camp has been around for, what, twenty years? There’s got to be plenty of kids who are now adults with money that came to Camp Cloudtop and would help it stay on its feet. And kids will see how fun the camp is and want to come next summer. Plus, people just love Gilmore.”

“What kind of talent show are we thinking of here?” Vex leaned back in her seat, arms folded across her chest. “I’m not tap dancing around a stage.”

Vax shook his head. “It can be whatever we want. The talents can be whatever anyone wants. It can be individual or groups, so more kids will feel comfortable taking part. You can do some archery tricks. Percy, you can…I don’t know, write some angsty poetry or something. Keyleth, you can…”

The space of silence was clearly an offer for her to fill in the blanks, and she jumped a little in her seat when she realized. “Oh! I can do some magic stuff. You know, druid-y things.”

“Perfect.”

“We’re really going with a talent show?” Vex sighed, taking a moment, before she leaned back into the table. “Alright, let’s do it.”

#critical role #critical role fic #cr fic #vaxleth #vaxleth fic #vaxleth au #my fic #vox machina #vox machina fic #tlovm fic #camp cloudtop

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teacherintransition · 2 years

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“The Less I Seek My Source for Some Definitive”*

Oh, oh…but I found one!

The “Teacher in Transition” makes a decision for permanence!

Siddhartha Gautama, the great Buddha, is reputed to have enlightened us with the hopeful observation, “wisdom is where you find it.” During a life mostly lived being a great deal unwise, I kid you not, wisdom finds you when you’re not looking for it and will deliver itself sucker punch style. Wandering aimlessly about during life, “just bein’ me,” wisdom would follow me around and let it be known that “me” was being stupid. And, with wisdom being wise and all, wisdom would school me in various ways.

Upon my wise decision to retire after 30+ years in education, I “wisely” decided that I would live in the all powerful moment…the now…the true reality…the what is. After a life lived carefully structured and planned, we would live spontaneously with only the most general of plans; the circumstances of the moment would direct our decisions. One of my favorite songs ever, “Close I am to Fine” by the Indigo Girls sets forth a philosophy of live I have found to be a path of truth that is in harmony with my spirit. The magic line in the chorus, “the less I seek my source from some definitive…the closer I am to fine!”*** It’s a personal truth. The entire song appeals to me with its open ended search for a meaningful life. Avoiding a definitive view or course of action or a theology opens one’s life to the serendipitous, explorations of living and relating to people. It is harmonious and expands confidence.

Oh no. I think I have a definitive. Yes, I’ve adopted a definitive! Since 2012, we’ve traveled to Mexico, Canada, Italy, France, Spain, Monaco, Vatican City, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, England. We’ve gotten through a pandemic, left careers and rebuilt lives. We paid off our home and got finances in good order. We’ve lived in Alexandria, Louisiana; Granbury, Texas; and Georgetown, Texas; Lufkin, Texas, Dallas, Texas; and Nacogdoches, Texas. We endured tragedy, losses of life and the world being turned ass over head. After all of this, I have discovered a definitive… I will not live out my days in the East Texas area. Ipso facto, I have spoken, let it be so…

Nacogdoches was and is an idyllic town to live and raise a family; our joyous memories are almost unlimited. There is much to do and experience and learn in East Texas. I’ve had enough. Nothing frightens me more than the thought that the things I see daily, will be the same things I’ve seen over forty years. My definitive has no judgement passed on this region. I just need to see more. This is a personal decision. We’ve spent forty years being responsible home bodies. I just can’t. This is the only definitive…beyond that we are dreaming of living out our lives in West Texas, the Hill Country, Italy, Ireland, Georgia, Colorado…what have you; we just have had East Texas too long.

Everyone’s choice will look different. To some, retiring in a familiar place is their heaven, the options are strictly personal. I urge you, as a transitioning teacher, look beyond habit and comfort and deeply seek where peace and happiness can be found. If it’s driving a camper around the country…do it. If fishing by the riverside is your Nirvana, “namaste”. We make way too many compromises on our life’s journey. Free yourself, to the degree possible from having life lived exclusively based on expediency and practicality. Your personal path…your personal joy…on your personal level. It’s only life after all.

*Sailers, Emily Ann; “The Closer I Am to Fine;” Indigo Girls; Epic Records; February 28, 1989

**IBID.

***IBID.

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fuckyeahowedes · 1 year

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Benedikt Höwedes: The stable captain

Just a few weeks after Andre Schürrle announced his retirement, another member of the 2014 World Cup winning squad has called time on his playing career. At age 32, Benedikt Höwedes has decided to quit football.

If Benedikt Höwedes' career were to remembered in one moment, it would his sensational block on Olivier Giroud in Germany's 2016 European Championship semifinal against France - it is one of the all-time great tackles.

Andre Schürrle's recent retirement spoke to the frustrations and pain of the football world, with the forward saying there was no place to show emotions. Höwedes' words felt much more like a man who had come to the realization that, for all that it had done for him, he just didn't need football anymore.

"It might sound a little stupid because I have profited so much from football but money is not important to me. Expensive watches and cars don't fit my lifestyle," Höwedes told Spiegel.

Höwedes' comments on finance are to be taken with a pinch of salt - it is always easier for those with wealth to talk about a life where money is not important - but the true motivation for his retirement appears between the lines elsewhere.

Höwedes told German publication Spiegel he had offers from Germany and abroad, but he "didn't want to be dependent on the decisions of others anymore." He also admitted that he had noticed in the last couple of seasons at Lokomotiv Moscow that he had needed longer to recover. Both his mind and his body were telling him it was time.

Perhaps most telling though, were the sentiments offered from his soul. "I was recently with my wife and child in a camper van in the south of France and I realized how amazingly fulfilling it was to be so close to my son. Suddenly football felt so unimportant to me," Höwedes statement continued.

Words that are the most natural for so many human beings seem to take on a special meaning when athletes utter them, perhaps a sign that too often we forget that behind the performances of our sporting heroes are lives.

For Höwedes too, this appears to have been a moment where he realized he no longer needed the pre-season training camps, the injections to help him through games or the unrealistic expectations anymore.

It is odd that it's often in retirement that the value of players like Höwedes truly become apparent. Without the highlight compilations, awards or headlines, it is easy to look past another player running around on the grass. Perhaps that might have been different had his header against Argentina in first-half stoppage time in the Maracana gone in, but that would have disguised Höwedes' reality.

Over six years, Höwedes played 44 times for Germany. He was a member of the famous 2009 Germany U21 Euros-winning team and in Brazil in 2014, he played every minute. Nevertheless, he is one of the least mentioned names when either tournament is discussed.

Every successful team needs a team player, a solid and reliable person who wants to win and has the abilities to lead. That was Höwedes, as legendary Schalke youth academy coach Norbert Elgert and Germany coach Joachim Löw have said.

Höwedes was part of the 2009 U21 Euro winning sideHöwedes was part of the 2009 U21 Euro winning side

Höwedes was the last true club figure on the field at Schalke, and amidst the chaos of the modern era the absence of a stable leader is notable at the Bundesliga club. Höwedes had come through the academy, worn the armband and embodied the hard-working approach. He was a tough-tackling, solid in the air, no-nonsense sort of defender. But after 16 years, 240 games and a German Cup win, the one club he thought would always want that suddenly changed course.

Schalke's then head coach Domenico Tedesco stripped him of the captaincy, in an attempt to make the squad his own. The power move didn't work in Tedesco's favor and Höwedes was rocked by the move. The defender was supposed to end his career at Schalke, be one of the last one-club men, a status befitting of his solid play and reliable manner. It wasn't to be.

Perhaps that was the moment where Höwedes looked at football a different way. He went to Juventus but injuries hampered him. In Moscow, he rediscovered his fitness and form, returned to the Champions League and won a domestic cup. Off the field, he became a father and made the decision to follow a plant-based diet.

With a turn out for the old boys team at his youth club TuS Haltern the only football left on the cards for Höwedes, it is clear another 2014 World Cup winner in leaving the sport on his terms.

Schalke still miss Benedikt Höwedes, and so will football. Because if there's one way to remember Höwedes' career best, it's that every team would have been better with him in it.

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#benedikt höwedes #feel super nostalgic #I miss him #and this #article #nice words #fc schalke 04

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