#cause really am i escaping reality or escaping myself

[ilkkawhat]

no no but really, now that i'm already three drinks in tonight and just feel like sharing, there is just something about the koskela commercials that add to this weird sense of nostalgia when I play aw2, added in with just the general beautiful scenery, listening to the pat maine radio show and hearing filth by national nightmare in that early part of the game...it just makes bright falls feel like home in a way that i never quite expected, esp given that i never played any remedy verse game, let alone alan wake (though like many things i get utterly obsessed with, i was at one time exposed to it i think during the peak of my twin peaks hyperfixation), and to just have that much of a connection to a game i got into literally at the end of november (the 23rd of 2023 to be precise) and maybe it's just because i have been so desperate for an escape and that's what this game gave me and not just that, it has inspired me so much to the point where i'm fucking drawing again--something that i was like traumatically discouraged from at a much too early age--and giffing and making graphics and writing when i swore i never would again...just fuck man. i feel like i have a few "cornerstone" pieces of media that have impacted me on such a highly personal level to the point where they might even change me a little but this....alan wake, remedy-verse, ilkka, all of that is just......something special

[seabirdtxt]

.Irminsul Push/Pull

You, the Creator, experience your first day with the world's weirdest roommates. [< prev] [Blog tag] [next >]

Notes: SAGAU, reader is the Creator but no cult shenanigans. mild swearing. very gentle puppet bullying, it's probably the cain instinct or smth. all relationships are currently platonic!

WC. 1.8k

----- ⚘ -----

You’re not super sure what you thought telepathic communication was going to feel like, probably assuming you would hear the voice of the other person saying their message out loud in your head.

In reality, it ends up being more like receiving a text message. In all caps. In your head.

GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE.

You sit up in your bed with a frown when the message suddenly crosses your mind. You check outside the mansion’s window, deeming it to be relatively early in the morning. Curious, you slide out from under the covers and shuffle your way downstairs.

Your curiosity quickly turns to irritation as you hear the sound of tools being thrown and voices arguing coming from the direction of Kabukimono’s room, the only currently inhabited room on the ground floor. 

You slowly push open the unlatched door and quickly duck to avoid a flying object—what is that? a pair of tongs?—that was aimed somewhere in the vicinity of your head. 

“- told you you can’t cook on the forge!” Kabukimono shouts, whiny and furiously stomping around, tossing loose tools around the room. Scaramouche is standing a little ways away from him, holding a bowl of ingredients with a bored look on his face.

“It’s a heat source, isn’t it?” The Balladeer asks, rolling his eyes. “If I can light it on fire, it can cook things.”

“No you can’t! I have to keep it way too hot to cook things,” Kabukimono scolds him, brandishing a metal poker in his direction. “And if you get food crumbs and oil in it, it might affect the quality of the metal! I won’t let you use it, and that’s final!”

“What else am I supposed to use, then?” Scaramouche growls, gesturing widely. “It’s not like this genius Creator of yours, in their boundless wisdom, made a kitchen.”

Whoops. Your eyes scan the room, surveying the damage, until your gaze lands on a terrified Cuppy hiding under a coat rack behind you, close to the door.

“Hey, buddy,” you whisper, inching closer to him. “D’you think you can turn one of the ground floor rooms into a kitchen really quick?”

The little teacup spirit nods frantically and disappears in a puff of smoke, presumably to fulfill your request as fast as possible. 

You look around the room again and spot Wanderer hovering above the other two, one leg crossed over the other in a pose hilariously similar to Ei when she’d been meditating in the Plane of Euthymia. You wave to catch his attention, and he looks over at you with a wry expression before zooming over to where you are.

“About time you got here,” he snarks, landing delicately beside you. “These idiots have been going at it for about twenty minutes now.” 

“I just asked Cuppy to make one of the rooms a kitchen,” you tell him. “I totally forgot about that, I don’t usually make a kitchen inside the Traveler’s teapot, so…”

“Yeah, you use the outdoor one, right?” 

You nod, having briefly forgotten that Wanderer had seen your layout of the Traveler’s realm before. As you’re musing on this, Wanderer darts forward and smacks the underside of Scaramouche’s bowl, causing it to escape the Balladeer’s grasp and sending ingredients flying in all directions, much to Kabukimono’s displeasure. 

“What the- why would you do that?!” Kabukimono wails, his argument interrupted. “Look at this mess! Niwa would have a heart attack if he saw this!” 

“Half of this garbage is yours,” Scaramouche points out, expression thunderous as he picks up one of the smaller prongs on the ground and uses it to take a swing at Wanderer, who takes to the air and floats out of reach with a smirk. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Wanderer says with a shrug. “I was just getting so sick of hearing you guys whining like babies for no reason.” 

“Okay, and you needed to waste perfectly good ingredients, why?” Scaramouche snaps, bending to pick up his now empty bowl and waving it at Wanderer threateningly, visibly restraining himself from flying off the handle.

“Because it’s not like you were gonna actually use them,” Wanderer snaps back. “I am you, and I know for a fact that you can barely make cup noodles if someone else did the preparation for you.” 

Scaramouche quickly turns red in the face as Kabukimono laughs at him, so you step in before another argument can break out.

“Guys, come on, I think Cuppy finished making a kitchen,” you say placatingly, hands outstretched and palms up. The three puppets look at you with varying levels of skepticism. 

You lead the way out of the trashed room, picking one of the other doors at random and hoping that it’s the one Cuppy chose. Mentally keeping your fingers crossed, you turn the knob and open the door, and freeze in the doorway, prompting at least two of the puppets to peer over your shoulder at the scene inside.

Cuppy did, indeed, choose this room. It’s one of the Mondstat-themed bedrooms, and what the teacup spirit did was put a single stove in the middle of the room and replace the bookshelves with jars and cupboards. Everything else about the decor, including the bed, carpet, and wardrobe, is the exact same.

Wanderer can’t seem to help himself about this, either, and bursts out laughing. 

“You call this a kitchen?” Scaramouche asks, pointing at the lonely stove sitting beside the Mond-style bed frame. 

“I think he did a great job,” you try, covering your mouth with one hand to hide your amused grin. Thankfully, it seems Cuppy made his escape as soon as he renovated, because he’s nowhere to be seen. 

“I don’t get it,” Kabukimono says, and you can feel him pushing someone (Scaramouche) behind you to see the rest of the room, to the person’s (Scaramouche’s) protests. “What’s so funny? A good stove and a well-stocked pantry is more than okay.” 

“And,” you interject through your repressed giggles, eager to defend your little teacup spirit. “Having a bed nearby just means you can lay back and relax while you wait for your food to cook!” 

“Are you serious right now? It’s just a stove in the middle of a bedroom!” Scaramouche protests, pushing you aside and stomping into the room. He points at the stove, and then at the carpet it’s sitting on. “This cannot be safe, right? This breaks all kinds of safety regulations.” 

“We’ll just move it aside, it’s fine,” you say, hoping to diffuse the situation. 

“It’s understandable,” Kabukimono agrees. “It’s not like he’s seen a proper kitchen before, right?”

Even Wanderer stops laughing as the three of you stare owlishly at Kabukimono, who shuffles nervously under the attention.

“What?” Kabukimono asks defensively. 

“I actually hadn’t thought of that,” you mutter, hands on your hips as you survey the room with new consideration. “He is pretty small, and who knows if he ventured outside of the realm before…” 

The other two remain silent, seemingly contemplating Kabukimono’s words but not voicing their opinions on it.

IS IT BAD THAT I FEEL BAD FOR LAUGHING?

You hide your flinch well, the sudden message scaring you out of your own thoughts. You steal a glance at Wanderer out of the corner of your eye, where he’s leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He doesn’t look you in the eye, instead pretending to be very interested with the shelf of ingredients near him.

‘I think that's just normal’ you think, hoping he somehow receives your thoughts as well. ‘I didn’t think of it either, so we’re all kinda wrong…’

While you’re distracted, Scaramouche has already started lighting the stove, having kicked aside the offending carpet, and browses the shelves for ingredients. He knocks on a few of the jars with a frown.

“... These are all empty.” He finally evaluates. 

“Yeah, that tracks, I don’t actually own anything yet,” you nod. “Everything I’ve ever collected is probably still with the Traveler.”

“Presumably they’d be willing to part with some of their stash,” Wanderer adds sarcastically. “I don’t think they really need several thousand of each ingredient they own.” 

“I mean, you never know, right?” You chuckle nervously, thinking of all the bag space your farming must have taken up. How does the Traveler’s inventory work outside of a game-mechanic perspective? You suppose you’re going to find out soon enough. 

“If you’re going out to get stuff, I’m coming with you,” Scaramouche declares, crossing his arms as if daring you to refuse his company. “No way am I staying in here with these guys.” 

You shrug, and Wanderer doesn’t protest either. “Yeah, that’s fine with me. I’ll head out now so we have time to sort and put everything away before lunch.” 

“Bold of you to assume we’re going to get anything done before lunch,” Wanderer mutters, herding Kabukimono out of the ‘kitchen’, promising the other puppet to help him clean up the mess in his room. 

“Are you ready to head out?” You ask Scaramouche, ignoring the jibe. You hold out your hand, which the Balladeer reluctantly takes, and you will yourselves out of the teapot realm.

You materialize in one of the alcoves of the Sanctuary of Surasthana, briefly disoriented by the change in location until you see Nahida and Aranyani sitting on the central dais, seemingly having a quiet conversation. Nahida spots you first, waving cheerfully at you both.

“Your Grace! Balladeer! Apologies for relocating you, but we decided that the chamber of Irminsul should remain uninhabited for now,” she explains, hands clasped together. “After all, it’s too easy to stumble and damage one of the branches of information, and I would hate for any of you to blame yourselves if that kind of accident were to happen.” 

“That’s fair, thanks for doing that for us!” you smile at her thoughtfulness. Still holding Scaramouche’s hand, you lead the two of you down to the central part of the chamber. “Do you know where the Traveler is? We wanted to ask if they could spare some of the materials I had collected from before I came here.” 

“Yes, we saw the Traveler earlier, but they went to fetch some people that Nahida recommended,” Aranyani says, picking up Nahida under her arms and putting the small god in her lap. Nahida doesn’t react, still smiling as Aranyani begins to play with her hair.

“Recommended for what?” Scaramouche asks before you get the chance to. You elbow him subtly, a warning to watch his tone. 

“To help us figure out how and why you’ve descended to Teyvat, Your Grace!” Nahida claps her hands together. “It will be good to know in case you need to go back home, or if you wish to return here from your world!”

You nod, grateful at the prospect of having that option. “Who did you call in for this?”

Aranyani cheerfully answers this for you: “The General Mahamatra, and a scholar named Alhaitham!” 

You share a quick look with Scaramouche.

“The linguistics guy, and the cop…?” You ask, with a slight wince.

“I don’t think you’re figuring this one out anytime soon.”

[ask-me-later23]

Spencer Reid X Reader Fluff

In which a certain doctor asks you out for halloween weekend.

“Those who can dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” 

-Edgar Allan Poe.

There is a certain comfort that can be found in books. The written word creates an alternate reality in which your worries and stress can be forgotten. Even though physically, all you can see are letters on a page, you find friendship among the characters, wonder among the civilizations, and a home in a theoretical land that you will never get to touch. 

There is a structure within novels. Every story has a start and end point, a climax and a resolution. Even when times get tough and your heart gets shattered, you know there is a happy ending. Perhaps this is why they draw you in. 

A happy ending is a concept that keeps you moving. It keeps you standing, even when life stands on your doorstep threatening to blow your house down. 

It made sense that you would grow up to work in a library. When literary icons become easier to relate to and connect with than real people, it makes sense that you would surround yourself with them all day. 

What you never expected, however, was that these icons would one day push you to make connections with another broken soul, another person who believed that books were easier to bond with than people. 

It started four years ago…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hello the-” you jumped at the sudden appearance of the man next to you, dropping the pile of books you were sorting back onto the shelves.

“Oh! I’m so sorry. Let me help.” He immediately bent down to retrieve the fallen treasures. However, you were already bending down, causing you both to bump heads. 

“Jesus-”

“I am so sorry-” You both spoke at the same time, clutching your heads. You quickly gathered the books and set them aside, turning towards the stranger and giving him your full attention. 

He seemed taken aback, a slight tinge of color in his cheeks. He opened his mouth a few times, as if he were about to say something, only to quickly shut it again. 

“What can I help you with?”

This seemed to snap him out of his daze, he immediately lowered his eyes and pulled out a slip of crumpled paper.

“Yes. I was looking for this book. I tried finding it myself but it wasn’t in the spot it should be. I’m filling in for a lecture today and it was something I was looking into for the class. I know it’s extremely last minute, but I just found out I was even going to be able to attend this lecture. My schedule is normally far too busy to allow myself the free time to be able to do so, but somehow I was able to clear some space for it. If you could check to see if you still have it that would be great, but I also now see that you’re busy so I can just go ask someone else. I’m sorry I really shouldn’t have bothered you. Now I’m just taking up more of your time by explaining things that you probably didn’t even need to know…”

Your eyes widen at the sudden information dump this stranger had just landed on you. Before even giving you the chance to speak he moved to walk away and find another associate to ask for help. Lunging forward, you grabbed the sleeve to his sweater, noticing the way the cuffs looked worn out and stretched, as if he had been pulling on them.

“Come to the front with me and we can look into it.” Without giving him an opportunity to deny your services, you lead him towards the front desk, not letting go of his sweater. Surprisingly, he let you lead him forward. 

You finally released him, leaving him staring at the newly stretched area that matches the cuffs. You typed aggressively on the decades old keyboard as he told you the name of the book he was looking for. 

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but it does look like someone checked it out less than an hour ago.” You glance up at him, not missing the slightly disappointed look on his face. 

Something about that look irks you, you don’t even know this guy’s name but you feel the urge to help him.

“Oh…okay. That’s okay. Thank you anyways, I’m sorry I wasted your tim-”

“I have a spare copy in my apartment if you need one. Wait… not that I’m inviting you into my apartment… I just meant that I could go grab it for you if you need a copy. I understand being in a time crunch, you would be surprised at the amount of last minute events I have had to accommodate while working here,” You add as you pick your nails nervously, watching his face for a reaction. 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, you’re in the middle of work. It’s okay, really,” He murmurs. You notice he starts tugging on his cuffs.

You ignore his protests, “What time is the lecture? I get off in 20 minutes and can meet you on campus. Before you can argue again, I’ve already decided I’m doing this. You’ll find I can be very hard to sway.”

His cheeks turn a lovely rosy shade again as he stutters out, “It starts at 6, but I was planning on getting there at 5 to give myself time to prepare.”

Hearing exactly what you needed too, you raise your hand across the desk. “I’ll meet you in the library then.”

He hesitates, staring at your outstretched hand. Quietly, he adds, “Handshakes are extremely unsanitary. There is an extremely high level of pathogens passed during them. It would actually be safer to kiss someone rather than shake their hand.”

After realizing what he said you both are glancing at your feet. You can feel your cheeks warming and are sure his are the same. 

As if realizing his error he attempts to correct himself, stuttering, “I- I only meant that-”

“I know what you meant. It's okay.” You let out a nervous chuckle. 

“I have to go. I’ll, um, I’ll meet you there.” He rushes out the door before you get a chance to catch this stranger's name. Laughing to yourself at this odd encounter, you return to your forgotten friends and resume placing them on the shelves. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Georgetown University library was always one of your favorites. Even the dark corners that would normally scare people away offered you a sense of comfort that you couldn’t deny.

Even with the oddness of the day, you somehow found yourself incredibly calm at the idea of meeting a somewhat stranger, whose name you didn’t even know, to hand over a book you have spent countless hours scanning, annotating and highlighting the contents of. 

You find said stranger wandering in between some of the shelves, looking closely at the spines in front of him. 

Taking a moment to watch him, you noticed his long hair that he kept tucked behind his ears, not missing the lock that kept falling into his face. He repeatedly tucked it back, the action looking so mindless it is clear it's something he does often. He was wearing converse, not matching the formal look of the rest of his attire. It seemed out of place, yet somehow fit together. As he examined a book from the shelf, you watched him flip through so quickly you thought he was just skimming, only to realize the intense stare he held proving he was deeply invested in whatever it was. It was a feeling you were all too familiar with, getting lost in another world hidden between the pages.

Smiling, you walked over quietly, not wanting to disturb his focus. You stopped in front of him, still somehow unable to notice you he goes to flip the next page.

“Hello there.”

This startles him, you giggle slightly as he drops the book he was holding. Both reaching down to pick up the fallen literature, you bump heads.

“Wow this situation seems oddly familiar,” you laughed as he grabbed the book from the ground. When he stands back up his cheeks are flushed again and he quickly places the book back in its designated spot on the shelf. 

“I- um… So you were able to find the book?” He stuttered out, swallowing roughly.

“All yours professor.” You pulled the item out of your bag, offering it to him hesitantly.

“I’m not an actual professor. I actually work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico. I’m just here as a guest speaker. It’s something I do for fun when I have the time.” He gently takes the book out of your hands, fingers being careful not to brush yours as he takes it. 

“So Agent?”

“Doctor.”

“Doctor…?”

He stares at you for a few minutes with his eyebrows pushed together, titling his head.

“Nevermind.” You giggled. “So you still have about forty minutes to kill before your lecture. How would you feel about a pre-speech coffee?” You drop your gaze to your shoes once more, pulling at the loose thread on your sweater.

“That sounds great actually.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You never would have thought that he was a 1% coffee 99% sugar kind of guy, but here you were watching the not-so-strange-stranger dump 10 packets of sugar into his coffee. Your lip formed a hard line and your eyebrows were attempting to shoot for the stars as you watched him take a sip and not throw up from the unholy amount of sweetness that he had concocted. 

“Are you okay?” He asks. The man creased his eyebrows looking at you, searching your face for signs of illness. 

“Would you like some coffee with that sugar?” You chuckled.

His eyebrows pushed together, a look of concern forming until you pointed to his coffee cup. His mouth morphed into an “O” shape and he looked down as you both moved towards the area he was speaking at. 

“I like it sweet,” he whispered. 

“Sweet would be an understatement.” You laughed at his reaction.

“You’re drinking black coffee,” He said it like a statement, a tone of finality following his words.

“I prefer black.” 

“Loneliness is a black coffee and late night television; solitude is herb tea and soft music,” he muttered as you approached the door.

“Solitude, quality solitude, is an assertion of self-worth, because only in the stillness can we hear our own unique voices. Pearl Cleage,” you finished his quote.

He glanced sideways at you, eyes wide. “I- uh-” 

“I work in a library and have a PhD. in English literature. I can recognize quotes from my icons doctor.” You smirk as he stumbles over his feet.

Before he is able to continue you both arrive at the classroom he will be presenting in. He turns to you, still not quite meeting your eyes and pulls on his sweater again.

“Thank you for the book…and the coffee. I'll-uh be sure to return it to the library.”

You go to agree but the words die on your lips. Somehow the idea of today’s strange events ending unsettles you. You could easily leave and let him return the book to your workplace. He knows where it is clearly. But without even a name you are unsure you will ever see him again. Telling yourself it is out of concern for your belongings, you speak.

“Actually, I was thinking about sticking around and listening in…if that's okay?” Now it is your turn to stare anywhere but his face. “That way I can make sure it doesn’t get lost in the library's books, you know?”

He hesitates for a moment and opens his mouth to speak, thinking better of it he simply offers a smile and nods, rushing inside to get set up. You follow a group of students inside and find a seat, waiting to see the action.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the last student clears out you return from your daze you had found yourself in while listening to the man’s lecture. You found yourself admiring his nervous tics and the way he paced the front as he discussed behavioral analysis and criminology. You also didn’t miss the way his eyes somehow found yours, as if making sure you were still there, every so often. It was an interesting lecture, but perhaps the most interesting part about all of this was that you finally knew the stranger’s name.

“Doctor Spencer Reid.”

He glanced up from his belongings that he was quickly packing up, confused, “what?”

“I finally learned your name,” you smiled. 

He returned the smile. It was genuine and broad, transforming his entire face. Crinkles formed around his eyes and a dimple complimented the upturned direction of his lips. As if realizing you were staring at his lips you cleared your throat and tried to ignore the heat in your cheeks. 

“Here’s your book back…thank you.” He extended the subject of today’s debacle. Hesitantly, you took it, although this time you noticed your fingers brush against one another and shockingly, he didn’t immediately pull away. Checking your watch you quickly put the book back in your bag and looked back at him. 

“I have to get going, it's getting a little late, but thank you for the lecture and the entertainment,” offering him the most sincere smile you could pull off you added, “Spencer.”

With that, you turned and began walking out the room but not before you heard him protest.

“Hey, wait. You never gave me your name either.”

Not stopping, just casting a glance over your shoulder, you offered back, “You’re a behavior analyst who works for the FBI, I’m sure you can figure it out.” Walking out the door you leave the doctor, who for once looked at a loss for words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been four years since then. Spencer began frequenting the library shortly after, finding excuses to come in and read something new. Somewhere along the way he developed a knack for bringing you coffee as well. A trade-off of sorts, coffee for books and company. You couldn’t deny the friendship you both had, or how much it meant to you both. 

Walking around the pumpkin and ghost covered library you hummed a happy tune. Halloween was always your favorite time of year. The temperature dropped and spirits were raised as everyone anticipated ideas for costumes, how much candy they would get, or what parties they planned on attending. For you, however, it was the aesthetic of it all. The changing of the leaves, the pumpkin carving, the pumpkin spice everything. You sometimes find yourself wanting to share it all with someone.

Spencer walks in just then, interrupting your thoughts with promises of caffeine. You drop your task at hand and meet him halfway.

“Please tell me you have brought coffee, otherwise I might just die on the spot Spencer.” You take the cup from him as he chuckles slightly, seeming to be in a good mood today. Halloween was something the two of you both shared a love for.

“You do know the average human is only supposed to consume four cups of coffee a day? I’m assuming this will be at least your sixth.” He gives you a pointed look with his eyebrows raised expectedly. “But yes, there is caffeine in there.”

You smile triumphantly and take a sip, “and this is why you are my favorite professor-slash-agent-slash-doctor there ever was.” 

His cheeks turn pink and he looks down. Giggling at his reaction, you nudge his foot.

“So what brings you here today doc?”

“You know, the origins of halloween are incredibly fascinating, it’s one of the most popular holidays, only rivaled by Christmas. It’s a sort of melting pot for a lot of different traditions from different cultures, but I always liked the idea that the Celtics and Europeans believed it was the one night a year that ghosts and spirits could walk the Earth again. This was what started the tradition of wearing costumes and masks, so that people couldn’t be recognized by the ghosts.”

You did know all of this, but you weren’t going to kill his mood like that, so instead you simply smiled along. “And here I thought halloween was all pumpkins and spice and everything nice.”

His attention seemed elsewhere for a minute, he gave a sad smile and turned back to face you, “not always.”

“Don’t worry doc,” you nudge him slightly. “I’ll protect you from the ghosts and goblins.”

He stares at you for a moment, opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something. You notice a slight pink color creep up his neck and he looks down before speaking again.

“So what are your Halloween weekend plans?”

“Still toying with a few ideas. There's always so much going on, it’s hard to choose to be honest.” You returned to your desk, sorting through a stack of discarded books. “What about you?”

You notice he hesitates, toying with the sleeves on his shirt. The pink has turned into a lovely shade of crimson that has you holding back a smile before he pushes forward, “There is actually a reenactment showing the nineteenth century phantasmagoria that I was looking into. It was invented in France and was basically a pre-cinema projected ghost show in which the showman attempted to spook the audience using science magic. I- I, uh, I have an extra ticket if maybe you’d want to possibly come with me. If you aren’t busy, but you also said you were thinking about doing something so it’s okay if you say no.”

You drop the book you were holding with a very loud thud on your desk. “Shut. up.”

Spencer finally looks up confused, you interrupt him by grabbing your purse from behind you, pulling out two tickets. You show them off with a laugh.

“I have an extra ticket to the Edgar Allen Poe shadow puppet show. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come with me. I didn’t know anyone else that would be interested in old man, creepy poetry shadow puppets.”

He immediately looks relieved. “We could always do both? They’re at separate times. Maybe even take a break for some dinner? If you want too…obviously you don’t have too.”

“Spencer Reid, are you asking me out on a date?” You covered the feeling of your cheeks heating up with a smirk, trying to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. Spencer was by no means unattractive, and at this point you had both definitely gotten to know each other on a pretty familiar level. You both had even hung out outside of the library before. But taking that next step had never been something either of you had even talked about. 

“I- uh- Well… I-” Suddenly the human robot began to malfunction before your eyes and you couldn’t help but cackle at his response. He coughed roughly and pushed out his next words, “If that’s okay with you?”

Something about how nervous he was only made the butterflies worse, but truthfully you knew there was always a fondness for the man that existed on a deeper level than just friends. You were on a first name basis with each other’s skeleton’s and never shied away from the closets they hid in. It had taken a while for you each to get that comfortable, both too scared by your own trauma to think about sharing it with someone else. Truthfully you didn’t think you trusted anyone more with your heart.

“Only took you four years to ask doc.”

[maream2636]

Hello everyone, how are you? I want to discuss a topic with you..

Since I was a child, I aspired to do a lot and I used to escape from reality by imagining the future of a proud, intelligent, beautiful girl who had everything. This was beautiful and comfortable compared to my toxic home at that time.

I wanted to grow up fast because I thought this was a solution to be hit by reality with expectations, grades, money, restrictions and hopes. I just didn't think about these things.

It was a difficult situation with my negative mindset and low confidence. It caused me a lot of physical pain and what hurt me the most was my unrealistic expectations.

I thought this was pain part of the journey. They always say the road is rough, right? But no, this is not the kind of pain that was meant. It is not the pain that makes you want to die and end it all. It is not the pain that makes you wonder what the point of doing is. It is the pain that pushes you to do more and improve yourself and shows you how much you have accomplished. And most importantly, psychologically, you are happy.

When I failed to enter medicine and entered pharmacy instead, I found myself in a reality and a place that was not what I had planned for, what I wanted, and what I had dreamed of throughout my childhood. I was shocked and hurt and wondered why I always ended up in a place and with people that were the opposite of what I wanted?

Do you know what's funny? I wanted medicine because it was guaranteed, not because I loved it. It was a better choice for the life I wanted so badly. But after my castle was destroyed, I found myself in front of a vast, bare land. For the first time, I asked myself who I was, and I found myself shamefully hollow inside.

I wanted to heal my painful reality with what people call passion. I wanted this.

The passion that makes your life meaningful, colorful, purposeful, fulfilled, inner peace and a better vision for yourself. So I started looking for my passion that will save me from my misery. I tried writing, drawing, cooking, singing, speaking, being a web page owner, programming and many other things. I watched a lot to know what my passion is. I was desperate to know it.

You may wonder why you are so desperate to know? Because I don't know who I am without a goal because I don't want a life drawn for me by others because of my ignorance of myself. I want to be the master of my story and the captain of my ship. Without a goal, you are just waiting for death or a day that is a little different from the rest of the days of the year.

So I kept searching until a video appeared saying what are your values? Write down 30 important values in your life and then click on five values and here you will know who you are and what suits you according to your values and I knew that my values are freedom, influence, giving, money and peace and I sat thinking what might apply to these values

In the end, I discovered that the most important thing for me is helping others. It makes me feel proud of myself and comfortable when I see people better off. This is really important to me. Looking back at my childhood, I always wanted to improve the situation of the country for the sake of people. I always wanted to give money. I always had in my head that I am a hero who saves children. I always feel proud when I see people doing that. I always think of ways to make people live in better homes and better jobs. But life, people, and the Internet make money and a job more important than your soul. Here, I was slapped with the fact that a pharmacist can do that. There are about ten specialties in pharmacy. I found that clinical pharmacy is direct assistance to a patient, and the rest of my values apply to it.

I found myself and I knew why it took so long. I had prioritized money and fame, but when I prioritized my comfort and my mind, things changed a lot and I felt much better about myself! What good was money if I was going to keep feeling this way?

After searching for a year, the answer was what was in front of me and what I wanted to escape from through my passion, only to discover that it was what I was searching for from the beginning. I changed my mentality, contemplated myself, and found answers... So, what is your passion?

[bratzkoo]

intro. second lead’s girlfriend

Author: bratzkoo | Credits to: @jintherapper​ for the banner Pairing: prince! jimin x duchess! reader Genre: angst, fluff, isekai Rating: 18+ Word count: 2.6k Warnings/note: it’s a product of my friends and i’s obsession with isekai-ng. isekai is basically being reincarnated but make it posh. 

summary: waking up to a different place. you began to realize you’re Prince Jimin’s betrothed that will die in the hands of a maid sent by an anonymous villain, this event will lead to him falling in love with the female lead and ultimately have his first real heartbreak. you will do your best to keep the both of you alive. you just need to break up with him, try to be the best wingman to him and the female lead, then live a happily ever after. so why would he always choose you?  taglist (hit me up if you wanna be added): @aretha170 , @jinniegenie , @mooniyooni  .@we8joon​ , @njrwifey​

requests are open, but you can just say hi! | masterlist

A sharp intake of breath escaped my lips as my eyes fluttered open, my surroundings slowly coming into focus. This was not the familiar sight of my bedroom ceiling, but rather an ornate canopy adorned with intricate embroidery. Panic began to set in as I took in the lavish furnishings that filled the room - the plush bedding, the ornate vanity, the heavy curtains that seemed to block out the world beyond.

Where was I? How had I ended up in this unfamiliar place? Am I dead? I'm dead, aren't I? God, if you can hear me... Tell my best friend to delete my search history or just make her hide my phone. My head started to hurt as the fog of sleep began to clear, fragments of memories started to surface. Recollections of a life that was not my own - a life of privilege, of duty, and that hot guy! This is not... I'm not... I hurriedly looked at myself in the mirror. I was not myself. I stared at the reflection of a young lady, supposed to be me, her flawless skin, her long hair, and her pretty face. Thank fuck, I'm gorgeous! Now, I'm pretty sure this is a dream and I know who this person is. I've read this book before. The person in the mirror is Lady Y/N, daughter of Duke Hansol and betrothed to Prince Jimin. Why this dream? Why this person? I'm pretty sure Lady Y/N died before the setting of the book started. I should've dreamt that I'm Lady Hana- the female lead. I tried to slightly tap my face to wake myself up, but to no avail I was still in this body. Ok, my dream is definitely fucking with me. I pinched myself REALLY hard in my forearm. "Holy f--!" That hurts. I started to panic a little bit at the thought that maybe I'm not dreaming. Is this one of those isekai shits, cause if it was, you got to be kidding me! I was never hit by a truck! Take me back! Take me back! Lady Y/N's character is the role I had never sought and one that now seemed to threaten my very existence. Lady Y/N is supposed to die, I don't want to die! Do I even have control of what's happening? Because my supposed death is the event that would be the catalyst leading to Prince Jimin's second heartbreak.

My breath caught in my throat as the gravity of the situation sank in. I was trapped in the pages of a story that I don't know if I have control over. If I don't find a way to survive and change my course of fate. Then my life is doomed. I got to do what I got to do. I have to do whatever it takes to myself alive, maybe do some wingwoman stuff and guide Prince Jimin to Lady Hana. I've always wanted him to get the girl.

I'm sorry, Author! I have to change the future a bit.

I don't want to die!

As I was still trying to process my new reality, a gentle knock on the door startled me out of my frantic thoughts.

"My lady? Are you awake? His Highness Prince Jimin requests your presence in the garden for breakfast," a soft voice called from the other side.

My heart raced. Prince Jimin? Already? I wasn't prepared for this! But I knew I had to face him sooner or later if I wanted to change the course of this story and since when did I live with him in one castle?

"Y-yes, I'll be right there," I called back, wincing at how shaky my voice sounded. Based on the memories inside my head, it's an arranged marriage and I'm pretty sure we're not in love.

I mindlessly rang the bell to call the maids to help me get ready. Thankfully, muscle memory seemed to kick in. My hands moved almost on their own as the maids dressed me in a beautiful pale blue gown that complemented my complexion perfectly. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what was to come.

As I made my way to the garden, my mind raced with possibilities. How should I act? What should I say? I needed to start distancing myself from him, but I couldn't be too abrupt or suspicious.

The moment I stepped into the sunlit garden, I saw him. Prince Jimin stood near a beautifully set table, his back to me as he admired some flowers. Even from behind, he was breathtaking - back view for days, perfectly styled hair, and an aura of regality that seemed to make the very air around him shimmer.

Then he turned, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. The book hadn't done him justice. His eyes, warm and kind, lit up as they landed on me. A smile, gentle and inviting, spread across his face. His lips, fuck, he's prettier than me.

"Y/N," he said, his voice rich and melodious. "Good morning. I hope you slept well?"

For a moment, I forgot all about my plans to distance myself. I forgot about the danger I was in. I forgot everything except the way he was looking at me. Oh God, his face card.

"G-good morning, Your Highness," I managed to stammer out, dropping into what I hoped was a passable curtsy. "I... yes, I slept well, thank you."

He chuckled, the sound warming me from the inside out. "Please, Y/N. How many times must I ask you to call me Jimin when we're alone? We are to be married, after all."

The reminder of our engagement snapped me back to reality. Right. I had a mission. I couldn't let his charms distract me from staying alive and steering this story back on its proper course (without my death- of course!).

"Of course... Jimin," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "Shall we have breakfast?"

As we sat down to eat, I couldn't help but steal glances at him. How was I supposed to push this man away? As we settled into our seats, Prince Jimin's eyes never left me. He reached for the teapot, his movements graceful and deliberate.

“Allow me to pour your tea, Y/N," he offered, his voice warm and inviting.

Ding! Ding! Ding! I swear this man graduated in the University of Green Flag Men. I started to hesitate, my mind racing. This may be the only chance to start creating some distance. "Oh, that's not necessary, Your High— I mean, Jimin. I can manage," I said, trying to keep my tone light but firm. A flicker of confusion passed over his face, but he recovered quickly, flashing me that heart-stopping smile. "Nonsense, I insist," he said, already filling my cup. "I enjoy taking care of you."

WHY?!

My heart skipped a beat at his words, but I reminded myself of my mission. I couldn't let his charm sway me.

"Thank you," I murmured, deliberately avoiding his gaze as I reached for a pastry. I took a bite of a chocolate macarons that instantly melted in my mouth. Author, I promise I won’t change the plot that much, I’ll even live my life just eating this macarons! "I thought we could spend the day together," Jimin suggested, his tone hopeful. "The royal gardens are particularly beautiful this time of year. Perhaps a picnic by the lake?" I nearly choked on my tea. A whole day alone with him? That was the opposite of what I needed. "Oh, I… I'm afraid I can't today," I stammered, my mind scrambling for an excuse. "I promised Lady Jihyun I would help her with… with her embroidery." Jimin's brow furrowed slightly. "Embroidery? I didn't realize you enjoyed such pursuits." "It's a… recent interest," I lied, inwardly cringing at how unconvincing I sounded. "I see," he said, a note of disappointment in his voice. He reached across the table, his hand covering mine. The touch sent a jolt through me, and I had to resist the urge to pull away too abruptly. "Y/N, is everything alright? You seem… distant this morning." I forced a smile, gently sliding my hand from beneath his. "Everything's fine, Jimin. I'm just… preoccupied with thoughts of my duties." "Your duties?" he echoed, looking perplexed. "Y/N, your only duty is to be yourself. That's all I've ever asked of you." His sincerity made my chest ache. Author, I might need him to not be so perfect. I begged of you if I need to push him away, I need every fiber of my body not want to jump this man.

“I appreciate that, truly," I said, trying to infuse my voice with a conviction I didn't feel. "But as your future… wife, I have responsibilities to consider. To the kingdom, to your family." Jimin leaned back, studying me with those intense eyes. "You've never spoken like this before, Y/N. What's changed?" I bit my lip, avoiding his gaze. "Nothing's changed. I'm just… growing into my role, I suppose." A tense silence fell between us. I could feel Jimin's eyes on me, searching for answers I couldn't give. Finally, he spoke, his voice soft but determined. "Y/N, look at me," he requested. Oh? Look at me, baby. This isn’t you.

Reluctantly, I met his gaze. "Whatever's troubling you, whatever doubts you're having, please know that you can talk to me. Our marriage may have been arranged, but I want us to have a good relationship. I want us to face everything together." His words were like a dagger to my heart. How could I explain that I wasn't really his Y/N? That I was an imposter trying to save my own life? "I… I need time, Jimin," I managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper. "To adjust, to… to be worthy of the role I'm to play." Jimin's expression softened. He reached for my hand again, and this time, I let him take it. "You are already worthy, Y/N. More than worthy. But if time is what you need, then time you shall have. Just promise me you won't shut me out completely." I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, as we finished our breakfast in silence.

As the days passed, I found myself caught in an intricate dance of avoidance and duty. Every shared meal, every stolen glance from Jimin, felt like a step closer to my impending doom. It didn't help that I don't know who or what killed me. I had to find a way to push him away, to make him see that our arranged marriage was a mistake.

I really can’t take the direct approach and ask him to cancel our engagement, as Y/N’s father… well my father now, he’s not going to like this.

I need to figure out another way that will end this engagement and not bring embarrassment to myself or my family, get this over amicably.

As I see Prince Jimin, approach me with a smile on his face and a bouquet of flowers in his hand. It took all of my self control not to face palm right there and there.

This fucking simp! Does he have feelings for Y/N? How will I live peacefully? Let me break the engagement pls pls pls!

As the days turned into weeks, I found myself growing increasingly desperate. No matter how hard I tried to distance myself from Jimin, he remained unfailingly kind and attentive. It was maddening, and I was running out of ideas. Then the King announced that there’s going to be a royal ball, a grand affair with nobles from all corners of the kingdom and in special attendance, my father. I wasn’t so hang up on the not embarrassing myself anyway, since the start of the book is almost coming to a close meaning my death sentence is right at the corner. I saw this as my chance to finally push Prince Jimin away for good and onto the arms of the female lead.

On the night of the ball, I put my plan into action. I arrived late, my hair in disarray and my gown deliberately wrinkled. Gasps and whispers filled the ballroom as I made my entrance, stumbling slightly for effect.

Jimin's eyes widened as he saw me, but to my frustration, his expression quickly softened into one of concern. He hurried to my side, gently taking my arm.

"Y/N, are you alright?" he murmured, his voice low enough that only I could hear. "You seem... unwell."

I forced a laugh, too loud and sharp. "Unwell? Nonsense! I'm having a wonderful time already!"

I pulled away from him, making my way to the refreshment table. With deliberate clumsiness, I knocked over a tray of glasses, sending crystal and champagne scattering across the floor.

"Oops!" I exclaimed, not bothering to hide my lack of remorse. Surely now, Prince Jimin would be furious, embarrassed by my behavior because even I was. Pls, God let this be over.

But when I turned to gauge his reaction, I found him already at my side, a gentle smile on his face as he addressed the shocked onlookers.

"No harm done," he said smoothly. "Accidents happen. Please, everyone, continue enjoying the ball." Fuck you, Prince Jimin! I really can’t with his kindness, I don’t need your understanding right now!

He turned to me, his eyes full of nothing but warmth. "Are you hurt, Y/N? Let's step outside for a moment, get some fresh air."

Frustration bubbled up inside me. Why wouldn't he just get angry? I allowed him to lead me to a secluded balcony, my mind racing for my next move.

"You must be feeling overwhelmed," Jimin said softly, once we were alone. "The pressures of court life can be daunting, I know. But please remember, you're not alone in this. I'm here for you, always."

His sincerity was like a physical ache in my chest. I turned away, unable to bear the kindness in his eyes.

"You don't understand," I muttered. "I'm not... I'm not who you think I am."

Jimin's hand on my shoulder was gentle but firm. "You're Y/N," he said simply. "The woman who is going to be my wife and I care for your well being. Nothing else matters."

I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back tears. This was all wrong. He wasn't supposed to care. He was supposed to fall for Lady Hana, not waste his affection on someone who wasn't even the real Y/N.

"Let's return to the ball," Jimin suggested after a moment. "We'll face it together. And if you want to leave early, just say the word."

As we reentered the ballroom, I caught sight of our reflection in a gilded mirror. Jimin, ever regal and composed, and me, a disheveled mess beside him. Yet the way he looked at me, you'd think I was the most precious thing in the world.

I realized then that my plan had backfired spectacularly. Instead of pushing Jimin away, I'd only drawn him closer. And worse, I was beginning to understand why the real Y/N wanted to get married to him.

As we moved through the crowd, Jimin's hand a steady presence at the small of my back, I knew I needed a new strategy. Because with every passing moment, every kind word and gentle touch, I was falling deeper into a trap of my own making.

And I had no idea how to escape.

[lotomber]

PM dazai x high school fem!reader!

Where they're already in a relationship for awhile but dazai kept it a secret so Mori wouldn't used fem!reader as weakness to dazai. Imagine reader one day, was discovered by Mori and she was almost caught, but she also have an ability. To this Mori decided instead of a hostage, Mori threaten her family if she didn't join PM. Imagine leaving PM with dazai.

Lmao I end up writing a whole paragraph sorry, anyway may I pls have this in a oneshot? Tysm!

Getaway!

Pairing: PM! Dazai x High school fem! Reader

Synopsis: Your getaway from mafia with dazai!

Warning: Slight angst, Mori!, season 2 spoilers, not proof read

Reader has an ability *PHANTOM OF REALITY!* which allows you to create illusions as you wish!

You have been dating dazai for a while and you knew that he worked for Port mafia. Dazai really loved you a lot he doesn't want you to ever get hurt because of him that's why he always made sure that nobody from port mafia would know of your relationship with him. Dazai made sure that your relationship with him was a secret, not even your close friends knew that you were dating someone let alone a mafia executive. But things doesn't always go as planned.

Dazai was a capricious and unpredictable person, Mori knew this that's why he wanted to keep dazai in control. Mori was secretly keeping tabs on him and that's how he found out about your relationship with Dazai. You were a perfect leash for Dazai, as long as Mori makes you a hostage dazai will have to do everything he wants him to do. So he ordered one of his man to capture you.

It was almost evening, when you were returning home from school, you noticed that someone has been following you. Before that person could attack you, you activated your ability.

"PHANTOM OF REALITY"

Making him see illusions, as you made your escape. As soon as you reached home you tried to contact Dazai to tell him about everything but he wasn't answering his calls. On the other hand Mori was reported about your ability and it intrigued him. Your ability allowed you to create illusions, it's a powerful ability which can be easily used to manipulate others. If used carefully it can be a precious asset to mafia, so he changed his course of action instead of making you a hostage he decided to make you join mafia.

Next morning when you were going school a man in white coat approached you.

"Hello (Name)-kun!" He looked like he was in mid thirties with chin length black hair and he was wearing a doctors coat.

"Do I know you?"

"No you don't know me but I know about you very well."

"Excuse me I'm already late for my school, I should go now." you could sense there was something dangerous about him.

"Ah don't worry about that you won't be going school cause you'll be coming with me. Oh And I would suggest you to not use your ability."

"What?!"

"Hm let me introduce myself I'm Mori Ougai, boss of port mafia and seems like dazai hasn't told you about me?" He sensed the way you stood your guard around him.

"I don't know what you're talking about and I won't be going anywhere!" Before you could use your ability you were surrounded by several men dressed in black suits.

"Oh dear I wasn't giving you a choice I was telling you and besides I think I told you I know everything about you that also includes your friends and family. I'm sure you're smart enough to understand what I mean."

"What the hell do you want from me!?" You hiss at him.

"Oh dear don't be like that I'm not here to harm you instead I want you to join port mafia, I believe your ability will be of great use to us."

"Are you telling me Or threatening me?"

"Hmm Both, I am sure you wouldn't want anything to happen to your family or friends. Besides you could be together with dazai in mafia won't you like that?"

"Where is dazai? Does he know this?"

"You ask too many questions, let's go to HQ first you'll know then."

You were taken to the Mafia HQ in a black luxurious car. It was the tallest building in Yokohama, you were a bit surprised to see that dazai worked here. On the front it looked like a normal business corporation but it was much more than that. On the top floor of that building was Mori's office, you could see the entirety of city from there unfortunately you weren't here for sightseeing. But what stuck you the most was the little blond girl who was pouting at Mori for being late, he called her elise. You wondered who she was to behave like that in front of mafia boss.

"So (name) I want you to show me your ability and don't even try to think of playing tricks." Although his demand irked you off, you still did as he said.

"Phantom of Reality" you showed him illusion of ocean in his office and he was really impressed by it.

"Hm I must say your ability will be quite useful, now you must be tired my men will show you the place where you'll stay from now."

Before you could say anything two men dragged you out of there to a small apartment saying that you'll stay here, it was a small place with bedroom, kitchen, bathroom. Dazai wasn't answering your calls so messaged and told him everything. You were feeling tired from all the stress so you fell asleep as soon as you laid on the bed. After 2-3 hours later you woke up to the sudden knock on the door, it made you anxious. But soon you head a familiar voice.

"(Name) It's me open the door!" it was your boyfriend dazai. You felt a huge relief as you opened the door.

"I'm sorry, you got involved in this because of me. It's my fault." he said averting his eyes.

"No dazai it's not your fault so don't blame yourself and please don't avert your eyes from me. First come in then we'll talk." you noticed he was looking more stressed than usual like something was bothering him.

"No I should've been more careful only if.." you cut off him

"Hey is there something wrong? and please don't lie to me."

"No it's just.. Ango betrayed us, I thought he was my friend and now you're also stuck here because of me." you knew about his friends odasaku and ango, he really cherished his friends. After that he told you all about mimic organization and how ango betrayed them and it shocked you, you understood how wretched dazai must be feeling.

You pinched his both cheeks "Listen to me, I know my boyfriend is the smartest so I know you'll find a way to solve this problem, and if there is any other problem I'll be here to listen to you so just get this done quickly after that you also have to get me out of here. I'll be waiting for you so don't worry about me, I'll be fine." he pulled you in an embrace as you hugged him back.

"Okay then I promise I'll get you out of here so please just wait for me!" he said giving you a peck on your forehead before he left.

To be honest you were scared, of what will happen to you and if dazai will be okay but you wanted to be strong for him. Contrary to your worries 2-3 days went by and you were given some paperwork and weren't allowed to go anywhere probably cause they didn't trusted you yet. But one night as you were about to sleep you heard dazai knocking but something was weird his voice was hoarse and harsh. As you opened the door you saw him covered in blood but it wasn't his, you could see the grim look on his face.

"Dazai, what happened!?" instead of replying he just hugged you tightly as if you would go somewhere if he doesn't hold onto you.

"Dazai please tell me!" you raised your voice a bit to make him look at you.

"Odasaku he...he left me, he died, now you're the only one left with me." his voice cracked as he told you everything. "Odasaku ...he told me to be on the side which helps people." you could see the tears that he was trying so hard to hide from you.

"Dazai I'm really sorry that this happened but I..I just want you to know that I won't ever leave you, even if you tell me to I won't cause I love you so let's run away from this place, leave this place with me and go to the side that saves people just like how odasaku wanted you too." you cupped his face to look him in the eyes. He could see your love and determination in your eyes. "B..But can I really do it?"

"Yes you can and you will and I'll be with you so let's go!"

"(name) I want you wait here for a while"

"No you won't be going anywhere without me I'll come with you."

"Okay fine come with me but make sure your ability stays on."

With your ability you created a illusion of yourself for other to see while you ran away with dazai.

He took you to a underground parking of mafia. Dazai placed something under a red fancy car which probably looked like a bomb.

"Dazai don't tell me that's a bomb!"

"Don't worry that's just a gift for a slug, now let's get out of here before someone catches us."

After that you both went to a underground passage, the perfect path to escape the mafia and gain your freedom. A path which will take you both to the other side, which belongs to the light.

A/N- it took me some time cause it was quite detailed but anyways it was really fun to write it, So I hope you enjoy it!

[0man]

i just wanna be one of your girls tonight...

Word count: 1,722

Pairings: Feel free to think of anyone.

A/N: birthed this after a two hour loop of "one of the girls" by the weeknd. i never write smut so please forgive me for this trash of a fic.

Tags: random pov change in the beginning (very sorry), angst, infidelity (on the male's side), heated makeout session, unrequited feelings, not really descriptive smut, masturbation, hand kink, spit kink, sexual thoughts and imaginations. i think that's it.

IMPORTANT: the content you consume is all on your own accord, i am not to blame for the material you read. MDNI.

not proofread yet!

A whistle coming from a male body echoes throughout the bathroom. He lets out a drunkenly slurred laugh as his companion leads him out of the cold blue lit bathroom of the club whining about something while the drunken man's eyes do not leave the two pairs of legs in one of the bathroom stalls. They paid no attention to the teasing, probably couldn't even think of what was going on outside the little bathroom stall they had hurriedly hauled themselves into.

The loud music of the club vibrated throughout, softly shaking the cold tile wall that I had been presses against. Warm slim fingers grip tighter on my thighs while mine snake around his neck. The feeling of his hands, those large enticing hands that continuously caught my attention finally touching my skin, slithering around my body and leaving red marks make my sanity loosen. The feeling makes me moan into his mouth, and he must've seemed to like it because his breath hitches against my mouth as he pushes deeper, closer to him causing me to slide up the toilet almost uncomfortably.

My body shakes from the loud music as well as the rampant beating of my heart that almost clouds my hearing. I take in a sharp breath and the scent of the bathroom etches into my nostrils, but more importantly I smell him. The fragrance of some cologne I immediately recognise but can't wrap my head around, the stench of the marlboro cigarettes he had been puffing continuously, and the sweet scent of someone that makes my jealousy fume. My senses come back to when he suddenly pulls away, and I almost whine at the loss but i reel myself back from looking pathetic.

"Open your mouth."

I oblige, opening my mouth wide, sticking my tongue out even though he didn't tell me to. He lets out a soft groan and I feel him twitch under me. He likes obedience. I keep a mental note of it, of it all, to remember how to be and what to do to keep him going. His hand grips on my jaw and forces it to stay in place. He leans in slightly and suddenly I feel his spit on my tongue as the sound echoes around. And before he tells me to, I close my mouth and swallow, tasting a small hint of wine. His eyes flutter for a brief moment before he dives in for a kiss again. Tongues clash while hands roam everywhere they were allowed to. A whimper erupts from my throat as the irregular tempo of my heart seems to quicken. Wine and the remnants of a strawberry lollipop, so out of place but it's the only thing i can taste as the makeout turns heavier and heavier.

No one dares to speak a word, only the few sounds of pleasure were allowed to escape from our mouths incase whatever we had to say brought us back to reality. In this moment we only let each other feel. His looming figure towers over me more as he pushes me harder against the wall, grinding on me as I do the same to him. His hands tighten their grip, like he's afraid of letting me go and having to let the present come back in my place. It elicits another whimper from me but this time louder.

My hands trail down onto his chest, to feel what I had so longed to for many months. I feel his hard chest, the ripples of his abs as his hard and defined chest that he tries to maintain continuously heaves heavily against my palm. And my sanity breaks as I feel just how much he's like me. What went wrong to force us to come to this?

The bathroom door suddenly bangs open and the insufferable voice shouts out his name. Thankfully we're at the last stall with legs just out of view, but afraid to get caught he pulls up my legs by my thighs to hide them anyway. "Baby you in here? You've been gone for so long!" She pouts and I can hear her jewellery rattle from her little stomps like she's a damn child. "I just needed to pee sweetheart, I'll be out in a second" He clears his throat as he glares at me. She answers back with an acknowledgement as the bathroom door closes loudly. Suddenly the walls are too cold and the sickening smell of piss and cigarettes and soap make the stall feel claustrophobic.

Unfortunately reality has set back in and he's let the present take my place. It was never mine anyway.

His hands let go of my thighs as he fixes his disheveled hair and collar. The warmth he had embraced gone so easily and in its place is the gut wrenching cold cruelty that's avoiding my gaze, my shocked gaze that can't seem to comprehend how easy it was for him to receive clarity.

He opens the stall door slightly to see if there was any presence. Once reassured he opens the door wide and before he leaves he looks back at me one more time and the affection I saw in those eyes have seemed to die as well, like they were mutilated just how I feel. "Never again" He rasps out as he walks out of the room quickly. Not a single muscle in my body moves for a few moments even when the bathroom door slams. I look down at the stained floor, eyes wide and exasperated, like I've just witnessed the death of my own heart and am staring at it's poor mutilated body lying on the floor. There are no tears that fall, no cry that comes out, because I hurt out of that extent, I hurt in a way no form could represent.

The loud music and the ruined event are left behind as I immediately went home. Instead of red and blue lights painting the floor, the moon takes their place and illuminates the room through representations of my bedroom window in this dark space. My blanket curls together at the bottom of my bed after having been kicked so fervently away by my legs. Red wine and strawberry lollipops remain on my tongue and so do the red marks on my thighs.

Much to my self disapproval my hands have sunk their way down, snaking their way underneath the thin panties i wore. Still wet. My fingers rub up and down, seldomly circling that little ball of nerves. My other hands hovers over the bruises, and once again I recall the feeling of those large hands around my body so feverishly. A finger in, and I let out a long sigh. I recall his tongue in my mouth, I recall the feel of his hair as I ruffled it thoroughly, I recall the hard on he grinded against me so needily and at that I let another finger in and softly gasp, in and out as I imagine just how much more could've happened if it weren't for that sham of a girlfriend he had. I slowly let my fingers in and out of me, wondering if he would've rid the poor quality stockings i had on, if he would've ripped clean my underwear as well. The pace goes faster as I imagine his fingers where mine are now, so big and long, so much more bigger than mine, so much more satisfaction. My breathing turns heavy as I fasten the pace again, adding another finger in.

Out of the blue my mind suggests a cruel idea. And I look over at one of the corners of my room, to imagine his tall figure standing over there, watching me so intently as I try to fuck myself with my fingers the way I wish he would.

My hand goes up to my throat, squeezing it slightly, wishing it was his hand instead. I turn back to the corner of the room, and imagine those haunting eyes, imagine those eyes never leaving my body, looking at the mess between my legs knowing how much he affects me while I try to scratch the itch that just never seems to go away. The idea makes me clench around my fingers as I try to cum, so close to reaching that peak but yet so far. My mind numbs, my fingers unconsciously continuing the fast pace as imagine him walking up to me from that corner of the room, kneeling down as he leans in close to my ear. And I can hear him tell me all sorts of things, those words and that tone that I will never be rewarded to hear. And I can hear him say my name, let those syllables roll of his tongue so fittingly.

And I reach my peak from that.

My body shakes, covered in sweat as I moan his name out. My hand fists the bedsheet hurriedly as if I could find any sort of stability. I whine as I slowly come down from my high, panting so heavily as the small top I wore to sleep stretches every time my chest rises. After trying to regulate myself for a few moments, my mind having left any cruelty comes back sinisterly. Would he like the way I moan? Would he like it if I made a mess on his fingers? Do I have a pretty face when I cum? Would he like the way I wrapped around his dick?

I let out a small huff. Goosebumps prickle my skin and as I go to the bathroom to cleanup, I search for a warm sweater to keep me warm. Foolishly I wish to no one in particular that he would keep me warm. But alas my wish has been granted but for someone else. Someone who didn't deserve it, someone who should've never been in the picture. A cruel cruel person who he'd never see differently. After laying down on the fresh bedsheets I curl up, letting the blanket engulf me as an exception aside from him. Quietly I hang my head in shame, realising the fool I have become to be able to be molded however he wanted me to. Softly and quietly the tears fall, realising that I will never be the one he wants.

A/n: I feel like this deviated far from the main idea I had and it's longer than i wanted it to be and it doesn't make any sense at all because im so sleep deprived rn. thank you for reading <3

[saneabandoned]

Diving into Star Wars: The Clone Wars

“Good soldiers follow orders.”

This seems to encapsulate the whole seven seasons of the series Star Wars: The Clone Wars. If you haven’t seen it, haven’t heard of it – in short, it’s an animated series set between Episode II and III of the prequel saga. However, the aim of this is not to be a guide – you can go to Wookiepedia for that; this is supposed to be an essay – analysis, some kind of a deeper-ish dive into the philosophy and meaning of the series, that frankly is one of the best things to happen to this film universe, perhaps ever. I have, time and again, tried to explain for myself the meaning it carries and just why it has me in such a strong chokehold, but I have failed, or at least haven’t reached a conclusion. Maybe it’s not possible, maybe it’s just the magic of being a fan – you see and feel things not everyone would understand, because it speaks to you on some personal level, that even some (more chill than me, at least) fans won’t be able to entirely relate to. I have yet to meet a person as obsessive as I am over all kinds of different media – don’t get me wrong, even though Star Wars is without a doubt my favourite universe, there are many more I have indulged in, wrote about, watched, listened, theorized and all that good stuff throughout many years. But as I have recently come to realize, I have spent the last ten-ish years of my (not that long, to be fair) conscious life thinking about this universe, this whole galaxy (pun absolutely intended) of characters, morals, and plots.

Speaking about morals, that’s where some of the importance of The Clone Wars comes for me personally. Ever since I can remember, Star Wars has been a huge deal in my life – I watched the movies at a very young age (thanks, mom!), but started reading more and more into the whole world as I got older. I thought I’d reached the peak somewhere in high school when I would literally rewatch the prequels every single weekend, and the OG movies about once a month too. I just found it mesmerising, I always have – being a person with a huge imagination, that never quite stops working (and that’s caused me some trouble as well), I found a haven in this world, a place where nothing is too weird, everything is just so brilliantly imagined and thought of, written and painted so vividly, that it feels like someone has taken the insides of my brain, turned them into a whole painting, adding stories, characters and just overall putting into words and pictures the things that I can’t really understand and explain for myself. I found a mirror in this world, a sanctuary for all my thoughts. I used to listen to the soundtracks whenever I felt anxious, and it would transport me directly into the universe I felt so safe in. It was an escape from reality; still is – not that reality was or is particularly scary or unbearable for me; but sometimes I wish I was elsewhere; somewhere where there is courage, bravery, adventure, love, all the things I longed for while being quite honestly, mostly a bored teenager at school.

I have always loved writing, loved expressing my thoughts, putting them into words (as is becoming obvious by this text) and have always greatly appreciated when films, books or other media would reciprocate that – when the words on the screen or the page would feel like I wrote them myself, so true, so real, so incredibly close to me, that I would get literal shivers and wonder if telepathy is actually possible. But hey, that’s The Force for you!

As of now, I have just finished completely rewatching the whole Clone Wars series and as always, I have many thoughts on it. The first time I watched it was right after the final season came out because at that time, and especially during the pandemic, I was going deeper than ever into my interests, rewatching all my favourite things, while also searching for new ones to keep me from going absolutely insane (I think I maybe have succeeded in the opposite though). So, stumbling across this series, I thought I’d give it a try. The rest is history – after absolutely and hungrily devouring it, I continued to Rebels, and every other possible piece of media under the sun. Fabulous times.

Now, one thing I’d like to make clear – I’m not a pro. I am not in any way a certified critic, a writer, or any other sort of person authorised to make such an analysis. I am but a fan, a fan for whom this universe means more than I could ever hope to be able to put into words; a fan who after years of contemplation, has reached a point where I can’t keep it inside any longer. I’d love if this piece of writing makes it out in the universe, reaches as many people who enjoy Star Wars as much as I do, but even if not, I am writing it for myself, I am trying to step out of my comfort zone, reach deep into myself, and in a life of struggling with the loudness of my thoughts, trying to put something down, manifesting my emotions and creating something physical from them; these characters that mean so much to me will never be real, I can never hope to speak to them, touch them, or see them in real life. They have although shaped me as a person and largely formed my psyche and morals, view of the world, inner monologue, even some of my characteristics.

So nevertheless, for me they are more real than a lot of people I know are.

***

To begin, I don’t intend to focus on the Jedi’s role in the war – it is of course vital, but I think the discourse about that is to be found more detailed in relation to the movies, namely the prequels, as CW is very much about the clones themselves. When I first started watching it, I will be honest, I didn’t think I’d find what I ended up finding – and that is such depth that I couldn’t imagine finding again, after being a fan of the movies, both OG and prequels, for so long. But was I wrong!

But let’s start with Ahsoka, since I started by mentioning the Jedi and she is one of the first new characters to appear (besides Rex and many others, of course). First, I wasn’t convinced that I liked her much – she was a bit of an annoying youngling for the first few seasons, after all. I wanted Anakin and that’s about it. Well, I got what I wanted, I think, as I am firm in my opinion that Anakin’s arc is so widely explored that you get a whole another view of his character, something I didn’t think was possible, after all – isn’t the entire saga about him? It is, but still – what I saw in CW, through characters such as Ahsoka and Rex, contributed so much to Anakin’s development as a character and leading force in the saga as I don’t think anything else ever did in the movies, any of them. So, yes, I got what I wanted, but also, I got so much more – Anakin is not my main point of discussion here, I think as main of a character he might be in this series, he is not THE main one, at least not for me. And as Dave Filoni is quoted saying – The Clone Wars is about Ahsoka and Rex.

Who are they? That was my main wonder when I first started watching – why would I care about a random clone captain and a youngling? They are both not present in the movies, and the clones themselves have very little personality there, they are just side characters, until they end up executing Order 66, which is of course devastating. But after watching CW, I completely changed my outlook on it, but more on that later. So, Ahsoka and Rex – admittedly, in the beginning, I didn’t find that much since it’s just mainly classic Star Wars battles and a loose plot that is not absolutely VITAL to the end result but brings so much deeper insight into the clones’ personalities, and ultimately through that to the whole feel.

What I really find devastating about this series is the nagging feeling of doom you inevitably carry with you – you spend so many episodes and seasons watching your favourite characters win numerous battles, you root for them, you cry and laugh with them, you grow so attached to them; but you know how the story ends, you’ve seen Anakin become Vader, again you know about Order 66, you know the Empire rises after all and Palpatine’s plan works – and every time you hear someone say “you’re going to lose this war”, you hope for the opposite, but you know they’re right and there’s nothing to be done – evil wins in the end of this. And as I read somewhere – this is a story that happened a long time ago – it’s over, it has already happened, there is no hope, at least in this series, which I find frankly terrifying. Amazingly done, but still heartbreaking.

Clones, war, and choices

The point about choices and what it means to be a soldier gradually becomes more and more pronounced as the show goes on – one amazing example of this is the Umbara arc where the 501st is led not as usual by Anakin, but by Pong Krell (who later turns out to be a traitor of course). This is one of the darkest moments in the show, as clones are made to kill one another, to sacrifice themselves without reason, and for the first time to face an incompetent, and frankly evil general, and to choose to disobey. This is for me a crucial moment, as the clones have never before chosen to disobey direct orders – they were, after all, made to comply and to follow what their generals tell them to.

"I used to believe that being a good soldier meant doing everything they told you. That's how they engineered us. But we're not droids. We're not programmed. You have to learn to make your own decisions."

But here, we can see the conflict – especially in Rex, as he is the captain and has to face the general and answer for his deeds. He looks him directly in the eye and tells him they are not willing to go on a suicide mission, that they will not follow his orders, after he’s made them fight and kill their brothers unknowingly, and even ordered Fives and Jesse to be executed. However, Rex struggles with killing Krell, when he decides to; he orders him to kneel and points the blaster at his back but is unable to fire the shot. Once again, Star Wars proves that its plot has much deeper nuances and philosophies; for the first time here, we are faced with the harsh truth – the clones are people. We know that, but it somehow gets lost in the movies, as the focus there is on the Jedi’s end, which is just as tragic, of course. But before now, no one has considered what it really means to be a clone. They were made for war, they were made to die, their lives and their deaths were planned. Are the Jedi and the Republic, in that case, really the “good” side? That’s what I, at least, started to reflect on when I reached this point in the series, and it changed my whole outlook on the saga, on everything I have seen thus far. Yes, I still think the Jedi are cool and whatnot – but did they not deserve what happened to them for so blindly exploiting their soldiers? They didn’t know about Order 66 of course, and Palpatine is in no way right – but how come the Jedi are innocent in this? I don’t think they are, at least not fully. They could’ve stopped so much suffering and helped so many more clones, if not for their narrow views, which are all the reason for the clones’ suffering, Ahsoka’s leaving and consequently, Anakin’s betrayal.

"Sometimes in war, it's hard to be the one that survives."

Oh, Cody, Co-dy! The friendship the clones and in this case – Rex and Cody – share is truly precious and very accentuated in this arc especially (here the first arc of the last season) – it is Cody who Rex confides in about not wanting to lose any more brothers, as he knows he is one of the few ones who will understand him fully, what it means to be a soldier, to have to live with the morals of war, to have never known anything but loss. This is what makes Rex dive and slightly recklessly (thank God) search for Echo, proving that he’s alive, saving him from the tortures. They are brothers, and they never leave their own behind. But he is not possessive or jealous, and when he senses Echo’s pull towards Clone Force 99, he is ready to give him the push he needs to join them. He knows his brothers, as I said, and he knows the trials of war, so if Echo will feel even an ounce happier with this squad, he deserves it, after all he’s endured – “If that’s where you feel your place is, then that's where you belong."

Therefore, I love the Skako Minor arc and Echo’s retrieval, not only because it sets up the ground for The Bad Batch (I’m not even going to begin trying to explain what it means to me, as it deserves to have another huge debate on its own), but because it shows Rex’s devotion to his brothers – all of them. Even though he tries to be just a soldier, to live through the deaths, he still cares immensely, and that’s what makes him a good captain. His bravery is unmatched, he is always the one leading his men, and looking out for them, because he knows his men, he stands and fights side by side with them, and he’s ready to die on the battlefield, thus setting the example for everyone.

The philosophy of war is extremely complicated – this is what I enjoyed so much about the series (and the movies of course, politics and war is the main theme), among all other things; the fact that we see war as destroying, as a necessary evil, as a tragedy by itself – but war also created life in this case and its ending brought much more death than any of the battles ever did.

"The mission... the nightmares. They're finally... over."

I’m sorry, but I think I have never witnessed anything as remotely tragic as Fives’ arc – Palpatine told only him the whole truth, fully knowing no one would believe the clone hasn’t lost his mind; but the sacrifice the trooper made ultimately saved so many lives, mostly Rex’s, one of his closest friends. Fives never got to reunite with Echo but losing him made Rex realise how important every brother is to him, and in consequence, he never gave up on any of them (not that he was inclined to do so before of course). In his last sane moment, Rex begged Ahsoka to “find Fives”, and she understood. She knew the clones better than anyone and knew exactly what that meant and never doubted it for a second. Fives saved her life, too.

Fives’ arc is the first time the show begins to become darker and more sombre – it is also the point when we as spectators begin to realize what Order 66 actually means, having seen before only its results; but this time we see its execution, through the eyes of the clones themselves. They are forced to kill all Jedi, after being their most loyal soldiers, and honestly – incredibly loyal friends as well. They can’t control it and it’s not their choice – but that doesn’t mean they don’t realize what they’re doing – Rex said he couldn’t help it; Wrecker said he tried to fight it (The Bad Batch); Bly shot Aayla so many times, so she wouldn’t suffer and her death would be quick; Cody didn’t even check if Obi-Wan was dead; Wolffe didn’t kill Plo Koon. They were people, they were made to do inhumane things, but they found a way, they made a choice, so that they could somehow live with it after.

We get all of this through the clones’ perspective, rather than the Jedi, and it’s just as painful, if not more – we are used to hearing “the army betrayed its generals”, but what happens when we realise, they couldn’t do anything about it? What happens when we see the struggle, when we can almost feel the pain of having to betray? The clones, the most loyal creatures ever created, made for loyalty, have to turn on their generals, on their comrades, on their closest friends.

So, I come back to Ahsoka and Rex. We see them in the very first moment of the show, and they have already formed a bond, which is unlike anything else. They fight side by side the whole war – from the battle of Christophsis to the Siege of Mandalore – and Dave Filoni is truly right when he says this show is about them; but I think also in a broader sense. It is about two creatures who were destined to fight all their lives, who no matter their completely opposite backgrounds, turned out to be the same things – soldiers. Through and through, in their own ways. Their friendship transcends beyond all of this, they have a unique connection, that’s never shaken, even in the direst of moments; even years later, when they meet (in Rebels), you can feel their love for one another, the purest friendship there ever was, somehow ironically created by the ugliness of war and constant fight. Both Rex and Ahsoka suffered losses we cannot imagine – Rex says he tries not to hold on to any of his brothers, and Ahsoka is a Jedi, so it is forbidden for her to form such attachments; but we know. We see it in their eyes, we can hear it when they speak. Rex can never forget Fives’ death and the fact that he died thinking no one believed him; he ran to Skako Minor in an instant even though it might have been a trap, but the chance to save Echo was not one he was going to miss out on this time. And he saved his brother, against all odds. And he saved Ahsoka, as she saved him, time and again. Because that's what brothers do.

“I’m no Jedi” – an interesting phrase for Ahsoka and Rex to have in common, given how different both their roles and backgrounds seem to be, but it is indeed the one they unexpectedly share. Spoken first by Rex here, and then a lot later by Ahsoka in Rebels, it is highly unprovable that it’s on purpose. However, I don’t think anything in Star Wars is done without a reason, so I choose to believe there is some thread connecting them – after all it is Rex and Ahsoka, and that will always matter. What it means for both of them is simultaneously the same, yet different – Rex is the clone closest to the Jedi, there is no doubt about this; he’s used to their ways, he has as equally as strong a moral code, so it is somehow thinly implied that he acts similar to them, despite (or thanks to) being one of the strongest and most respected clone leaders. His closeness to both his general and commander is widely known, so no one seems to pay attention to the fact that he is actually a clone, as he makes his own decisions, and often chooses to fight where a Jedi would opt to step back.

Ahsoka and Anakin

For me Ahsoka became the best character in the whole saga, no ounce of doubt, sorry. She is the embodiment of the Force, she is fierce, loyal, but also incredibly wise for someone her age, and someone who is still learning. On many an occasion, she proves to be more experienced than Anakin (and in my book, experience outranks everything) and I feel like he’s learned as much from her as she did from him – if not more. She is the one keeping him sane and grounded, and I’m a firm believer that had she not left the order, he wouldn’t turn. Ahsoka’s presence brings so many new layers to Anakin’s character, that have not been explored before that and had she stood by him, he wouldn’t be able to become what he became. So, yes – ultimately, I blame the Jedi order for Anakin’s betrayal, I always have, but after watching this series, and seeing it from another point of view, I simply cannot be shaken. They took everything from him and left him alone, which has always been his weakest – he has always been this little child, terrified by the dark, later consumed by it, now unable to fight it anymore. The Jedi made him, and they unmade him too. In my opinion, he shouldn’t have ever been a Jedi in the first place – he is not like Obi-Wan, not like Yoda, not even like Ahsoka (who is not the traditional Jedi either, being trained by him) – he is so powerful and so weak at the same time, and that’s where his dilemma lays – who am I? Which side am I on? He doesn’t know, but no one is there to help him – Ahsoka included, as she (rightfully so!) leaves the order when she sees the truth about it. But she carries that guilt ever since.

She blames herself for leaving Anakin, she blames herself for not fighting alongside him when he needed it; for leaving her friend, her brother. If I were Ahsoka, I would have done the same – she was betrayed by the Jedi, not by Anakin, not ever, but still. He stood with the Order when she needed him by her side. And that is what destroys him too. The loss of his padawan, his most loyal friend is unlike anything else, and for her, leaving this life that’s all she’s ever known, transforms her view on everything. And when she inevitably returns, because that’s where she is supposed to be in order for the prophecy to happen – she must be there, but not by Anakin’s side; she doesn’t fit anywhere else, but she doesn’t fit there anymore either; and she can’t follow him, so she’s sent to Mandalore, again alongside the clones, her brothers, she goes down fighting with Rex. She’s always been his sister more than a Jedi; she didn’t ever belong anywhere else but on a battlefield. She may not be a clone, and she wasn’t meant to be a soldier either; but just like the clones, the war is all she’s ever known, and even though she was meant to be a peacekeeper, peace was something she never knew, especially after Anakin’s turn to the Dark side – even though there is no longer a war, she is forever tormented by the voices she heard in his last moments as her beloved master and the pain she felt when he left.

She knew it was over in that moment – Order 66 is by far the most heartbreaking arc of them all and I can never watch it without then spending weeks thinking about it – it’s genius, really, how Palpatine had this evil plan, dictated the whole war without anyone noticing; and it worked. It worked and changed the whole entire galaxy, and nothing could have prevented it – except maybe Anakin turning; and that is what Ahsoka can’t get over; she feels it is somehow partially her fault that the dark won; if only she hadn’t left, it haunts her forever. She doesn’t know Anakin is Vader, not until she meets him after, so she thinks he’s dead like the rest of the Jedi – and when she finds out what truly happened to him, she passes out (in Rebels; another terrific moment) because the pain is just too strong – the mixture of his known presence in the Force, and his new persona, that is torn from pain and suffering, feelings so intense and unknown to her she can’t understand them. It’s not her master, but it is undeniably Anakin. And he feels abandoned, he feels alone, he is guilty and sad and in constant pain, he is no longer there, not really, but then – he is. And the memory of what he once was, what he promised, everything he taught his padawan brings such pain for Ahsoka.

She may not think she is truly a Jedi, yet she is for me the only one of them I came to respect – she is never hypocritical, doesn’t leave anyone behind, not ever, and she fights for good, always for what she deems right, never feeling like she has to change for others, but in the end always blaming herself for their fate. She could never forgive herself for what happened to Anakin, and she can never forget her brothers, the clones, she suffers and grieves for every one of them, she knows their names, they were her whole world. And the only thing she had left, because they never judged and never tried to change her, they simply stood by her. Even when they had orders to kill her.

Rex and Order 66

Ahsoka’s master was gone from that moment on, and all she had left was Rex. The other main character, and I accept no objections to that statement. Rex is... the best one ever. He is, without any doubt, my favourite from this series. Putting aside my Ahsoka obsession, I didn’t expect to grow as attached to him as I did. Then again, I can’t separate them – for me, they are a team, the best one, and I don’t think I would have liked them as much had they not been the amazing pair they are. The connection between Rex and Ahsoka is what makes this series so different and so much better than the movies for me. It shows a level of true depth and caring that we haven’t really seen before – the type of platonic trust that few people find in their real lives. If I get to have just one friend that is as loyal, I don’t think I’d need anything more. Their story is so real, so touching and beautiful and sad – I think it is not only the best one in the series, but in the whole saga, and in any storyworld, really, for me personally. They meet a kid and a soldier, but they leave the war (or maybe the war leaves them) as equals, friends bound by experiences so unique and traumatic that they can never forget them, their bond can never be destroyed. They are soulmates, and they are forever. I don’t make the rules, sorry.

"Well, I've known no other way. Gives us clones all a mixed feeling about the war. Many people wish it had never happened, but without it, we wouldn't exist.”

Rex says this to Ahsoka moments before he is forced to execute Order 66 and it makes me shudder every time I hear it. Knowing what follows, knowing that the clones that have been created for war, are humans with so much more nuanced feelings that they let themselves express, that they fear the war ending as much as others might feel a war beginning is incredibly twisted. They are not machines, they are much more than that, they have feelings, and they have morals, and they are afraid. Rex has never doubted his loyalty to his commanders, and never gave any reason to be doubted – never hesitated, never showed anything less than immense courage and skill. But now he stands before the only person he’s never been able to deceive, and he voices for the first time what probably has been torturing him for a while – the knowledge that he is expendable, that his life might be over, and that this might be what he’s always fought for – the end of himself and his brothers. Victory and death, indeed.

Viewers have witnessed many a clone death, and these last episodes are the culmination of it all – from that point on, every favourite character is in danger. Of themselves. One thing that the series does marvellously is bring personality to so many seemingly identical characters – in the movies we never get any detail about their lives, their characteristics, even their looks – but now I could recognize Fives from Echo in a second; they might have the same features and the same voice, but they are not the same. They are brothers, forged by the same essence, they share the same blood and the same heart, but they are individuals with thoughts and passions so diverse it’s impossible not to notice, not to adore.

Rex is Ahsoka’s best friend, as she reassures him moments before everything went to hell. He is the man who stood and fought by her side, and who watched her grow up. Who, when faced with the order to kill her, removes and drops his helmet in a desperate try to fight Order 66 (perhaps unconsciously, as he is being mind-controlled), and so she could see his eyes, see his tears, his struggle, his shaking, and know that he had no choice, know that on some level, he is asking for help for the first time ever, the soldier he is – he removes his helmet so he could look her in the eyes, his best friend, his sister, his commander; and she knows.

She’d ran to him, when sensing there was something wrong – of course, Ahsoka would run to Rex, because he’s Rex, he’ll know exactly what to say and what to do, and maybe he could contact somebody who can fix this; this can’t be real, the war is almost over; she’s still a child after all, she can’t face this now, not alone, not without Rex. She’s never had to face anything without Rex, it’s just unimaginable – but she runs to him and in his eyes she sees someone who is not Rex at all, and suddenly all the men she trusted with her life more times than she can count, are not the men she knows, and they want to hurt her, and Rex wants to hurt her, even though it makes him suffer. She sees his tears; she feels in him what she never believed she would.

The parallels in their relationship are just amazing – one of their first interactions is when Rex says to her “good luck, kid” on their first ever mission together – and it shows just how much he already cares for her, how he understands that beneath all her witty remarks and wish to prove herself to her new master (and his soldiers!), she is still a kid thrown on a battlefield – an unnatural atmosphere for anyone, but especially for a young child with no experience whatsoever. From then on, they just keep getting closer and their friendship grows stronger until it reaches a point where they can understand each other without even speaking.

“Yeah, kid, I’m okay”, Rex says, moments after Ahsoka has removed his inhibitor chip and essentially saved both their lives, all while putting herself at a great risk, just because she cares and she can’t do this on her own. In this moment, in his eyes, she is again the kid he first saw, scared about her friend, trying to prove that she can do it all on her own – this parallel is so important to me; she has never been in such a situation alone before, because she’s always had Rex, and now she’d almost lost him, after just reuniting with him; when for a split second there was something in his eyes that she’d never seen before, the only thing that saved her was Anakin and Rex’s training (shown in Tales of the Jedi). Anakin taught her how to fight enemies much stronger than herself, her brothers taught her how to defend herself, not knowing that she’d ever have to, especially not against them. It’s truly heartbreaking.

“Ahsoka, it’s all of us” – just seconds after she has saved him, Rex looks her in the eyes and apologizes for almost doing the undoable, for almost killing her, for being okay when she almost wasn’t. How would he ever live with himself, knowing that he betrayed his best friend? The animation has developed so much by this point, that in this last episode, it’s almost like watching real people acting, at least that’s how I’ve always felt; it feels real, the emotion is just so intense and so palpable – especially with this being the first time Rex says her name. She is his friend, she is the only one who cared enough to save him, thus saving herself, proving again and again her loyalty, the thing they have most in common. They understand each other like no one else can, they have been through everything together, and now, in these crucial moments, they have both proven it – she never gave up on him, she trusted him enough to save him, and in return, he is ready to follow her anywhere and die protecting her. From his own men. Barely awake, he’d reached for his blasters, shooting his own brothers to protect her, not even fully conscious yet. They are equal, they have become one through the Force, and if it wasn’t clear before, it is now – they are sticking together to the very end, no matter what they must do, no matter how. They are forever. Loyalty means everything to the clones.

This and what follows on the bridge of the ship as it’s coming down, are my favourite scenes from the series.

“I hate to tell you this, but they don’t care! This ship is going down, and those soldiers, my brothers are willing to die and take you and me along with them!”

Even though it’s animated, even though you can’t see his face, and the only thing is his desperate voice, you can feel the devastation when Rex utters these words, touching his chest, as he says “brothers” – he has always cared for them, his family, and has mourned every single loss, but now, when there is no other choice, he knows protecting Ahsoka is the most important thing there is – the mind-controlled clones can’t tell apart their own from a traitor, so what’s the point?

There is always a right choice – and Ahsoka proves it, when she gently removes his helmet, only to show what everyone but also no one suspected – Rex is crying, he is afraid and in pain, and she is the only thing he cares about. He’s lost so much; he can’t lose her too. But she always has a plan, and she is probably the only one who cares about the clones as much as him; they don’t need to explain themselves; she doesn’t want to be the one who is responsible for so much death; there’s been too much already. They have lived a life of war, facing death and loss every single day, and enough is enough. She wants to live, but not at the cost of murder. There is no doubt in her voice when she says that.

Burying brothers

What follows is truly devastating to watch – Rex facing his brothers, as a traitor in their eyes, as some of them stand before him, still wearing their helmets with Ahsoka’s Togruta design on them, the colours of the 501st closely resembling her lekku. They’d painted their armour as soon as they knew Ahsoka was coming back to them and they were getting their commander, and little sister back, their best friend, the only one who cares enough to remember all their names, who never turned her back on them, even now, when they are against her, she still tries to save as many of them as possible; she’s been the one whose hand they’ve reached to when dying, their last memory on this world her face, her bright eyes, full of life and care, her presence calming them in the face of the inevitable, as she will have to do now as fell, at the very end.

How must it feel to lose everything you’ve fought and hoped for, in a span of hours? Palpatine’s plan is truly ingenious. The war might have ended, but only on the outside; a much larger, much more painful fight has begun, inside, for Rex and Ahsoka, who now have to navigate a life they haven’t ever considered; they may have wondered what life after the war might be like, but not like this, never like this; not as heroes, not even as fighters – as traitors in the eyes of their most beloved brothers and the new control of the Empire. But they choose to fight until the end, crashing down, falling with the cruiser together, hand in hand; the parallel of them hanging on to each other in the hanger is precisely mirroring the moment of Anakin and Obi-Wan trying to push each other away during their legendary fight on Mustafar, which is happening at the exact same time. But these two don’t let go, they simply cannot face losing each other, not now, not after all of this. They’ve fought for years, so many battles, losing track of what the fights are about – but this last one is clear; they are fighting for each other. And when they are the only survivors, they take to bury their brothers, and grieve the colossal loss side by side, silently watching, because there aren’t words to describe what they feel, and it’s not necessary, so they don’t speak. They know.

"I don’t want to bury any more of our brothers."

The devastation and sheer exasperation we hear in Rex’s voice when he says this much later, in The Bad Batch, when talking about the inhibitor chips nonetheless, is all we’ll ever need to know about him. Laying low after the end of the war, separating from Ahsoka, believed to be dead; in fact – being dead to the world in every sense, this is the choice he makes. He’s witnessed almost all his closest friends dying, he’s lost his general, he doesn’t have a purpose and a goal anymore; he has to deal with the realization that the war is over, but it ended at way too high a price, and he’s a soldier – he will fight every day, until the end, because it’s all he knows. He’s the most loyal soldier, survived Order 66 at the highest price there could ever be, and he can’t lose more. He wants to keep fighting, and he will, but not to lose. Rex doesn’t want to feel this awful feeling of loss, not ever again.

The same goes for Ahsoka – even though she quits the order and never officially finishes her training, the Jedi life is the only one she’s ever known, so her path even after leaving, after the war ends, and after she separates from Rex, is one lead by the code to a large extent, even if done so unconsciously. She claims to not be a Jedi when she faces her master as Vader in Rebels, wanting to avenge him; but she doesn’t end up doing it, she can’t possibly kill Anakin. So, she goes on, living in this middle ground – she is not truly a Jedi, but what else could she be? She has led her troops in many battles, fought by their side; even when they didn’t have to, they still called her commander, as loyal to her as ever; recognizing that she stood by them, even held them as they died.

When The Resolute crashes after Order 66, we are aware that her and Rex took every single one of their fallen brothers, buried them, and displayed their helmets, putting Jesse at the very front, the one who’d wanted to kill them the most at the end. But they know better, it was not him, not after literal moments before that he almost went insane from Maul’s questioning because he didn’t want to betray Ahsoka; he deserved a recognition, even in death. Every single one of them did, and Rex and Ahsoka gave it to them. She lets go now of her lightsaber, the Jedi weapon that bears her identity, and lays it to rest next to the fallen soldiers, because she doesn’t want to have any more connections to this war, there’s been enough fighting. She dies here too – for what it’s worth, she fell with the clones. I can’t imagine how traumatising and terrible it felt, pulling body after body out of the debris. For both of them.

Brother after brother.

***

No matter what I say, or how much I write, I don’t think I will ever be able to express properly what this world and this series in particular mean to me. Of course I love all things Star Wars, but The Clone Wars will always hold a very special and exceptional place among them. It is a unique feeling, one I cannot put a word on, it feels too big for me, as if there is some kind of a boundary that is at the verge of explosion, it’s holding so much emotion, and there isn’t enough space for it inside. Perhaps it’s the depth and the exploration of the clones, their relationships, the empathy their lives evoke – creatures bred for war, individuals barely recognized in life. But still human, as Rex and Ahsoka remind us of the entire time – especially when we see them watching the arranged helmets of their dead brothers – the clones have not been just pawns, they are people; people who died for a cause they couldn’t have any say in. Their lives were not their own; but Ahsoka’s life wasn’t her own either. This is the tragedy of The Clone Wars, but there’s also an ironic beauty about it – Ahsoka wouldn’t have had her master or her best friend, if it wasn’t for the war. It’s a story about the philosophy of choice, hope, good and evil of course, friendship and loyalty. Victory and its highest cost, death; the consequences after a life spent fighting, which no one usually thinks about.

When the final shot rolls and we see Vader’s ominous figure step on to the same place where Ahsoka and Rex were last, as he digs his apprentice’s lightsaber and holds it, we realize what the moral of the story is. We see Anakin’s eyes behind Vader’s mask, and we feel the cold he feels – he ended up alone after all, after all his trying, he had an army, he led troopers, he cared for an apprentice, but he lost them all. He won the war, but he would rather have died with his friends – who he doesn’t know are still alive, and they don’t know what happened to him either; instead of being their enemy. But the time for choosing is over, and there is no going back for him now.

His reflection hits the clone helmet, and we see the image of Anakin, walking away from Ahsoka and Rex.

It doesn’t end with the war; it begins with it.

[foressfaction]

Im gonna ramble

Or well its more of a vent cause i love yall and feem comfortable being able to just randomly vent yet ramble about thoughts like this.

NOTE: i am Not attacking or hating on other's takes or head canons if anything im just expressing a thought ive had that ive had personal mixed feelings with.

Trans Toby is such a comfort yet scary to me at the same time. Its obvious i use him as a sense od escape and project myself heavily onto him since I've pretty much identified as him for a whilw now due to my silly brain. The idea of putting what pains me so much onto him makes me so fuckin sad. I use him as a way to present CIS and like..be a biological male ofc.

Me, being pre T and pre surgeries coming summer time it gets worse every year and that ive actually thought of having alternate realities where i could make him trans but like me, before the medical transitions. But as someone who uses a CIS character to escape being trans its super hard to think that.

When i see other's takes on it its so fuckinh cute and almost comfortable but when i thought about it...It made me really sad?? Obviously i hc him as just a cis dude.

The thought of him like doing his own top surgery is like, relatable? Im about there myself tbh. Maybe he's already years on T but realistically idk

How that would be possible giving he lives in thw woods and how would he have medical access to that ect ect..

With others its easy to project their actual lives onto characters in the form of head canons but its like i almost wanna stray as far as i can away from mine so i dont have to also live it through whats suppose to be my escape, my relief.

Although its painful for me personally and a sensitive topic, its been on my mind alot lately. Especially thinking about senarios thay couod happen with Jack about it, him being quite knowledgeable in the medical field and finding out that type of stuff and loving no matter what because maybe i just

i dunno maybe i crave something like that myself..

Sometimes i just wanna draw him with the scars, or with a binder, but i don't personally headcanon that. That sucks cause i almost want to? My mind won't let me, as that would just be me thinking in headspace like...Im trans in both worlds, and theres nothing wrong with being trans obviously. Its just the huge source of mu depression and it holds me back from so much, why would i want that for something that i escape to, and sometimes i want to cry cause of the writing senarios and ideas that would hurt me to write but could also stim as a vent of some sort.

Though the idea of it all being pre operation and HRT hurts me as that's my current issue, maybe having it all be already done and in the past..So i can live through someone that has achieved what i desire. Sometimes i think of that..

Being trans is a big part of me but i don't let it define me like the stupid state i live in. Why do i find it so hard to project it? It's not a bad thing. Its a beautiful thing, plus i love representation.

I can always just live through the other's takes on it. It is vert cute and would honestly make sense giving he is actually most appearance goals for MOST trans mascs.. I. Feel like we all just kinda gathered towards him as a character due to his lore sorta being able to have multiple meanings.

And that's why i just think he's neat and that the trans hcs are amazing. And my struggle to ever personally think that :((

[oliversrarebooks]

The Rare Bookseller Part 15: Emily's Last Meal

Masterlist

September 1925

TW: captivity, mind control, covert brainwashing, Emily POV

Emily spent the entire afternoon curled up in a ball on her cot, wishing there were anything she could do to take her mind off of her situation. She'd like to go to sleep, even though the lights were still on, but sleep wasn't coming.

Lily had taken Oliver again, which meant the next time she saw him he'd most likely be glassy eyed and spouting pro-vampire nonsense, robbing her of the only person in the place she could at least hold a conversation with. 

Even though he was a victim as much as she was, she wasn't especially inclined to feel charitable towards him right now. She had hardly slept a wink since she'd been dragged into these cells, and the sleep deprivation had been making her especially irritable, a raw nerve that kept being poked. And last night had been the worst night at all, because Oliver had spent the entire lights-out period chanting hypnotic mantras, loud enough for Emily to hear. There had been a steady drone of "obedience is pleasure" and "no desire to resist" the entire night with only brief respites. Not only was it disruptive, but Emily had actively fought sleep, not wanting to fall asleep with hypnotic chanting softening her mind.

The vampire guards who were so quick to crack down on unwanted noises did nothing about this, of course. Emily suspected that Lily had engineered this to take down both her and Oliver at once, a two-for-one special.

It wasn't Oliver's fault, and she knew that. Her annoyance should be directed towards Lily and their vampire captors, and it mostly was. But she still very much wasn't in the mood to speak to him when Oliver returned, completely unguarded, wearing a simple white kind of frock dress and looking quite serene.

"What are you wearing, Oliver?" 

"Miss Lily gave me these clothes and let me shower," he explained. He was standing in front of her cell and none of the vampires seemed to care.

A lost cause, she thought, and hated herself for thinking so.

"And she told me to tell you that she'll be inducing you very soon."

Emily felt her mouth go dry, a cold pit of fear in her stomach. Of course, she expected this. She'd known what was coming. That didn't make it any easier.

"I know you're scared of it, Emily, but it's really not that bad," said Oliver in a tone that was probably meant to be reassuring. "She didn't take my mind that much at all. I still feel like myself, I just don't have any desire to escape, and I want to obey whatever the vampires tell me to do. That's not that bad, right?"

Oh, Oliver was such a lost cause. And she was next in line.

"Are you listening to yourself? You think that wanting to obey the vampires, the vampires who kidnapped us and are holding us in prison to sell -- you think that's okay?"

Something briefly flashed in Oliver's eyes, a spark of life. "I think it's... I think it's our reality," he said. "And if we have to be here... is it so bad if they make us want to obey? It's easier, and will help us survive. That makes sense, right?"

"I don't really care what makes sense," she said. "I don't want to be a slave. I don't want a vampire erasing my free will. I don't want some monster feeding off of me -- or did they make you forget that they were going to do that, too?"

"I didn't," he said. "You're probably not going to believe me, but Miss Lily showed me a little of what it would be like, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined. I'm not sure how to explain it without sounding crazy, though."

"It sounds crazy because it is crazy. Because you're totally under their spell now. What about your bookshop? Your former life?"

Oliver's calm facade broke a bit as he looked down at his feet. "...I'm not getting those back, I don't think," he said. "I... um. Perhaps this is an awkward question, but how hypnotized am I, actually? I feel fine, but..."

"I think Lily's gotten so far in your head that you can't even tell how much any more. I'm sorry."

"...I suspected that might be the case."

"Do you want me to try and snap you out of it?"

"No. I have no desire to resist," he said, automatically.

Oh, this poor man.

She should save him. She should try to wake him up again. But she was exhausted, and knew how futile it would be. Even if she could make a dent in Lily's influence, she'd only just take him again. He was no doubt going to keep her up again all night with chanted mantras.

She felt selfish, heartless, but she'd been running her whole life. Running from her family, from her awful, alcohol soaked father, from abusive lovers, from poverty. And now it might actually be the end of the line, and she was so, so tired, and Oliver was so obviously a lost cause.

They both were. She was going to die down here in everything but the technical sense, giving her life for a vampire's pleasure. Few would miss her or even notice she was gone.

"They're bringing dinner now, Emily. I'd better get back in my cell," Oliver said. "And... I'm sorry that I can't help you. I really am."

"I'm sorry, too, Oliver."

Dinner arrived, and it was a heaping plate of roast turkey and gravy with mashed potatoes, peas, and a slice of apple pie, of all things. Imagine apple pie baked and served by vampires! It smelled heavenly and it was the largest meal they'd served yet. She couldn't help but be suspicious. 

She knew that no matter how suspicious she was, she'd cave and eat it in a few minutes at most. She'd been hungry enough in her life that she couldn't bear not to eat hot, fresh food when it was right in front of her face, especially since it hadn't been drugged or poisoned up until now. She hated herself for how eagerly she ate the vampires' prison food, cleaning her plate every time, and that it was the best fed she'd been in ages. 

This was no exception, the kind of meal she dreamed about on nights when she'd had to content herself with half a can of beans or a single mashed potato. At least if this was her last meal as herself, it was a decent one.

The lights snapped off, and she'd barely had enough time to brace herself before Oliver started up the mantras again. "Obedience is pleasure," he said, in a thick, drowsy voice. "No desire to resist. Too tired to resist. Hopeless to resist..."

Emily furrowed her brow. That seemed directly pointed at her. Lily was trying to wear her down, she just knew it. Whatever she did, she couldn't sleep tonight, couldn't let those thoughts be drilled into her brain.

She sat, and stared into the pitch black gloom, and tried to think of anything, anything at all. Old friends. New paints. A pint of cheap beer. Fall leaves. The view from the Oak Street Bridge. 

Too tired to resist...

She was never getting out of here, was she?

She was so sleep deprived, and her stomach was comfortably full, and the cells were always kept warm...

She didn't realize it when her head began to nod, her thoughts swirling into nightmares of a vampire pinning her down and drinking from her neck, draining her energy and life, all the while Oliver's voice droned on about obedience.

And she didn't, at first, realize it when Oliver's droning voice mixed with Lily's.

"Obedience is pleasure. You're too tired to resist, Emily, much too tired," said a calm and soothing voice close by.

Emily stirred. She wasn't in her bed. She was being... held? Carried. 

"Shhh, Emily, relax. Go back to sleep. You're so tired," said Lily. "And you're already under my spell. There's nothing to fight. Go back to sleep."

A nightmare? It had to be. "I'm not..." she protested, trying to wake up. Why was it so hard? She cracked her eyelids open. Lily was looking down at her while carrying her in her arms.

"Of course you are, dear. Even the most defiant human must sleep, and even the most defiant human mind is vulnerable while sleeping," she said, as though explaining to a child. "Sleep now, go back to sleep. You're too tired to resist."

This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening now. She felt herself slipping back into slumber against her will, clawing her consciousness back from the brink.

"You're not going to have me," she said, fighting the haze that threatened to swallow her.

"Oh, pet, I've subdued a hundred girls like you and I'll subdue a hundred more after," she said. "Now hush, and go back to sleep."

Part Fourteen >> Masterlist >> Part Sixteen

Thank you for reading this story about Emily.

Tag list - please note if you'd like to be added

@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin @whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps

[m3lonpire]

Unmasking The Truth Part 4 | Penny And Dime

Summary: After a "lovely" conversation with Castle, things quickly go south. Content: Some cursing, mentions of guns

It was almost time. You checked your watch, eight twenty-three. You adjusted your shirt collar, audibly swallowing as you thought about what could happen. Eventually, you started to walk nervously around the room, wincing at the sight of the broken windows and hole-riddled walls. Luckily, you had some duct tape lying around, so you were able to patch up the walls until you could get them fixed properly. You checked your watch again. Eight twenty-five.

The world was going slow as clouds in the sky. It paused as you paced around the room, checking your watch every few seconds.

God, eight-thirty didn't seem so far away driving to Harlem and back.

You wished you had just gone to see your friend Luke instead of going to meet Frank Castle… The Punisher. You were so nervous that you started mentally drafting up a list of things you'd rather be doing than this. Sure, all the entries were a tad dramatic for what was really happening at face value, but the fear that resided within the idea left you breathless. Snapping back to reality, you checked your watch again.

It was go time.

You got into your car, driving to the diner. Looking around, taking in the sights. It was a good way to sort of ground yourself after what happened not even three hours ago. You looked at all the neon signs and the dark alleyways that you were sure Matt was scrounging around in. You chuckled to yourself as you thought of what Foggy would do if he knew you were meeting Castle. Knowing how hesitant he was to even take the case? He would practically murder you if he knew.

Eventually, without realizing it, you got to the diner. Parking your car, you got out and leaned against the hood. You sighed, inspecting the diner windows. Everyone else in there was chilling and talking, sipping their drinks and whatnot. However, there was one person who caught your eye. A man in a ball cap sat in the middle aisle seat. The more you looked at him, you saw he had a few bruises on his face. More like a lot of bruises with a few cuts, but, oh well.

You sighed as you headed into the diner, unintentionally passing by the man. "Hey," he said as he grabbed your wrist. You looked down with a quiet gasp, getting to see a little more of his face. Sighing, you said, "You're Frank?" He nodded as he motioned you to sit down. "Why am I here?" you asked with yet another sigh. "Cause you drove here. As for me? I came because Karen's concerned for you," Frank said, adjusting his hat down onto his face slightly.

You scoffed as a waitress came up with a coffee pitcher. "Coffee?". "Yes, please.", Frank said, raising his cup. This stopped you from scoffing and genuinely surprised you. Usually, people who were given a life sentence for murder and torture don't usually thank diner waitresses.

"I can take care of myself, you know," you said, adding some sugar to your coffee. "I don't need someone with your history defending me." Frank dryly chuckled, expression not changing. "Maybe. But it looked like to me that you were three seconds away from looking like goddamn Swiss cheese." You rolled your eyes. "Well, I survived, didn't I?"

"Yeah, because of me," Frank said, taking a swig of his coffee. "I'm sure the bullet-riddled corpse alternative would have been a real hit at your next office reunion.". Your jaw was left on the floor at this. So he's polite to random waitresses, but not to people he saves? You chuckled to yourself realizing you were here questioning the ethics and morals of a tried-and-convicted, now escaped and presumed dead killer.

"Now, listen here," Frank lowered his voice. Whether to drive his point home or not, you didn't know. "I've only seen people be targeted like that when they're either involved with the mafia or know something they shouldn't know, and usually those things go together." You swallowed your fear before responding. "Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you." Frank shook his head. "You're into something deep. You, and Karen. You need to lay low." You chuckled dryly, taking another drink of your coffee before responding "If you really know Karen, you know she's not going to do that." Frank sighed, eyes darting from outside the diner back to you.

He watched as a few people left the diner.

"She's a survivor. If she's not going to, let her do what she needs to do. Just make sure she stays safe out there," he said with a gruff tone, taking another swig of his coffee.

"Hey, you two lovebirds," the waitress said. "We're closing." Frank nodded, pulling out his wallet and dropping a few dollars on the table. "Thank you, ma'am," he said with a soft smile. Getting up and adjusting his ball cap, he patted your shoulder and pointed outside. Understanding his message, you headed outside with him. You walked to your car, only for Frank to call out, "Hey!" You turned around with a raised eyebrow, crossing your arms to warm up due to the cold air surrounding you.

"Your place ain't completely shot up, is it?" You shook your head, walking back closer to him as it started to rain. "No, I- I can stay there. I could use some new drywall, but I can call a friend."

Frank nodded, but just as he was about to walk away and leave you to do the same, you heard a bang. Suddenly, something bounced off a car nearby, nearly hitting you, making you squeak and duck. Frank tensed up, pulling out a gun from under his shirt, yelling to you one word.

"Drive!"

You nodded, a few tears falling from your eyes. Practically jumping into your car, you kicked it into fifth gear, speeding off. You sobbed as you sped away from the diner, hearing more gunshots from your car. Driving around never felt more safe then right now, especially considering what the hell was happening previously. But, even with the warzone going on in your thoughts, you realized you were speeding, and you slammed the breaks as you did. You needed to get yourself together.

Foggy. You needed Foggy.

Speeding off to his apartment, you thought about what the hell you would even say to him. He didn't know you knew Frank Castle, let alone you talked to him. Jesus, you thought to yourself. If your brain was racing with everything he might say, how could you think about what you could say? "Hey, Foggy, I had a coffee date with Frank Castle and almost got shot, can I crash at your place?"

Oh god, he was going to kill you.

Author notes: So sorry it took so long for this one to come out! I wanted to wait to actually experience Frank as a character to properly write him. Thank you to my mother for helping me write Frank properly! Because she's a huge Punisher fan. Thanks to @harleycao for motivating me to keep writing this! <3

[dirtybitfic]

Reality pt.3

(I didn't proofread cause it already took me long enough to finish this so if there are typos I'm so sorry)

I wake up feeling extra warm and comfortable , I blink open my eyes and look down to see arms around my waist . I cant help the smile that spread across my face when I remember who's is beside me in bed . I try my best to stay still so I don't wake him up . sadly the second I made even a peep Misha ran over and jumped onto the bed attacking me with kisses and waking him up in the process. I couldn't help the giggles that escaped when I saw matts face when Misha played on him licking his face non stop. "Misha Misha calm down baby " I say as I try and get her off of him . " Sorry I tried my best not to wake you up but evidently someone had other plans " I say laughing as I pet Misha.

" It's okay I down mind being woken up by dog kisses" he says smiling and giving Misha head scratches. I could barely control myself when I heard his morning voice. His voice is hot as fuck already but this ... ooh this is so much better. "I was gonna go down and make some breakfast , does anything sound good to you?" I ask him while getting up and going to my closet to grab a sweatshirt. "mmm I don't know bacon sounds pretty good " he says while stretching " Alright bacon I can do that ... you like pancakes ?" I say and he nods " Any specific type , I usually makes blueberry and chocolate chip" I say and he smiles " I love chocolate chip pancakes " he says and I nod " Sounds good ill be down in the kitchen so take your time getting up " I say and he nods.

I just finished up cooking breakfast . I made pancakes, eggs, bacon , sausage and cut up some fresh fruit . He walks down stairs smiling " Smells great in here" he says and I smile . We both plate up what we want and sit down. We eat mostly in silence just enjoying having each others company . We decided it would be nice to take a little hike close by and see one the waterfalls .

I just got dressed and fed Misha , I would take her but this hike is a bit dangerous for dog especially with the waterfall and slightly wet surfaces. We hopped in my car and made the quick 20 minute drive . We talked about random stuff like childhood memories and funny moments.

The hike isn't too hard but its definitely not easy , we both had to stop and take breaks from time to time but I just kept telling him once we got to the waterfall it would all be worth it . " So do you hike out here a lot?" he asked and I shook my head " Not that much anymore , when I was younger I did . My parents loved to hike and in high school it was a fun place to go with friends but now not so much" I say and he nods " I get that , I used to love taking long walks and hikes with my family or just by myself to clear my head but I guess i've just gotten busy and don't have the time anymore" he says and I nod " Growing up sucks huh" I say and he laughs " Yeah id give anything to be a carefree kid again" he says and I laugh " Same "

The second we reach the waterfall we sit and catch our breathe taking in the view. " It really is beautiful" Matt says and I look over watching his face contort with emotions as he takes in the surroundings. " Yeah it really is" I say looking away from him smiling.

By the time we got back to my car my feet were cramping and my entire body was sore. " The view was beautiful but fuck I'm exhausted" Matt says laughing and I join in " Yeah , I think I need an ice bath with how sore I am" I joke and he laughs . We get back to my house and I go up to my room grabbing a change of clothes to wear after my shower . Matt comes in flopping down on the floor laying there while Misha laid next to him wagging her tail. " Im gonna hop in the shower " I say to Matt and he nods . I wrestle with myself in my mind on if I should invite him in with me or not . I finally just blurt it out " Do you want to maybe - u-um join me" I say more as a rushed question . He looks at me smiling widely " Yeah you want me to?" he asks in a deep teasing tone , I try my best to not sound stupid " Yeah I- I mean only if you want to you don't have to" I answer quietly avoiding eye contact feeling super fucking nervous. " Id love to" he says standing up and walking over to me . " wait really?" I ask and he chuckles " Yes" is all he says before he grabs my arm and pulls me with him into the bathroom.

He looks deeply into my eyes as he slowly starts taking his shirt off , I decide to do the same . You couldn't cut this tension with a knife. Im so nervous but also buzzing with excitement. Once we're both topless we start on getting our pants off , I take off my bra after and once were both in our underwear we both take a moment to soak in each others bodies. The way he looking at me is making me so nervous, he looks like he wants to eat me alive.

We both finally take off our underwear and step into the shower turning on the hot water and letting it cascade down us. I have a large shower with multiple heads so we're both getting soaked by water. I take my body wash off the shelf but he stops me before I can lather myself. " Let me " he says and I smile letting him lather me in my Carmel apple scented body wash . He slowly steps me back so the water can rinse off the suds. He hands me his body wash and I practically squeal in excitement . The amount of times I fantasized about shit like this is crazy and now... its reality . I take my sweat time lathering his body feeling every muscle and digit of his body. He rinses it off then grabs my shampoo again doing it for me . I tell him to only do the roots and about half way down and he listens but he comments that its stupid not to shampoo all of the hair , I explained to him why I don't shampoo the ends ... to be honest I don't think he understood but I think he just acted like he did to make me happy. He conditioned the ends like I told him and I rinsed it out.

I took my time shampooing him , it was difficult because he's taller than me so I had to be on my tippy toes. He noticed I was struggling so he scooped me up and held me up as I wrapped my legs around him. " Better?" he asks and I smile and hum "Mhm" I say and I continue lathering in the shampoo. What u least expected him to do was take one of my nipples in his mouth. " Matt" I gasp as my hands falter . He grips my thighs tighter as my head slightly leans back and I let out a whimper. He pulls off with a slight sting of his teeth dragging on my nipple . " Sorry I couldn't resist they were in my face" he says with a smile . He steps back into the water and I help rinse the shampoo out .

I cant help the smile that spreads on my face when I feel the tip of his dick graze my pussy. I haven't seen it yet but I have a feeling its not small . After the shampoo is all out he doesn't put me down he keeps me held up . " You look so hot with wet hair" he says and I laugh "what why?" I ask and he shakes his head " I don't know it just looks good" he says and I smile . " You gonna put me down or?" I question and he shakes his head again " Nope I like you right here" he says before taking my other nipple in his mouth making me gasp. He flicks his tongue and sucks on it making pleasure course through my body.

" fuck matt" I whine and he comes off with a pop " Feel good?" he asks with a smirk I nod my head quickly letting out a whine . He sets me down and turns off the water. I step out grabbing my towel then handing him his. The second he wraps his around his waist he picks me up and throws me over his shoulder making me laugh. " what are you doing?" I ask mid laugh " Taking you to bed" he says in a deep voice making my laughs stop . I wanted this , him, for so long and I still haven't registered that it truly is happening ... and not just in my head.

He lays me down on the bed hovering over me , I wrap my arms around his neck bringing him in for a deep kiss. His lips are soft and his tongue warm and he explores my mouth with it making me moan into the kiss. He postings his body right in-between my thighs . The kiss turns from slow and warm to hot and needy . I cant help the moans that escape my mouth as my hands roam his body. One of his hands slowly trails down to my thigh making me whimper into the kiss. He pulls away and starts kissing and sucking on my neck. Im whining and whimpering under him as his hands slowly slides its way closer and closer to my dripping wet pussy. He slowly starts kissing down as he uses his other hand to undo my towel thats around me . He kisses all the way down until he reaches my pussy . I watch him intently and his eyes meet mine and his tongue flicks out meeting my clit making me gasp . He smiles before he goes in licking and sucking so skillfully , i'm panting and moaning and my head drops back and my back arches. " M-matt feels so good" I moan and he groans into me making me twitch. He starts sucking harder on my clit making me moan out loudly as my hands move to his wet hair.

He slowly enters a finger into me making the pleasure even more heightened . " Ahh f-fuck matt oh god" I moan as my legs start to tremble and I feel myself getting closer to release . " Taste so sweet , I always knew you would" he says as he adds another finger in making me gasp and my face to contort in pleasure . " You gonna be a good girl and cum for me?" he asks with a smirk on his face and I moan " Yes yes fuck im s-so close" I moan and he goes back to licking and sucking my clit . My legs are shaking and slowly tightening around his head and my fingers are tugging tighter on his hair . " Matt oh f-fu please don't stop " I whine and his fingers move faster making my entire body tremble and my toes curl and I fall over the edge screaming his name as I come undone all over his face and fingers.

" Thats it good girl" he groans as he watches me come undone for him. I slowly come down and his fingers finally stop moving as he slowly slides them out. I watch him as i'm breathing heavily , he slides his fingers into his mouth sucking my juices of making me moan . " Did so good for me" he praises making me smile and blush. He slowly moves back up my body . " Gonna let me make you feel good?" he asks in a sultry voice , I nod " Yes please matt" I say in a needy tone and he smiles.

" One thing though" he says and I furrow my eyebrows " What is it?" I ask and his eyes getting darker " I like to be in full control and ... I want you to call me sir . is that okay with you?" he says and I smile "Yes sir" I say in a slutty voice making him groan . " You have no idea how long i've wanted to do this " he says and I smile " same" I say and he smiles.

" I'll go easy at first but the second you adjust I won't be easy " he says and I nod " Okay" I say and he nods. He slowly takes off the towel form his waist and I get the first look at his dick. This is going to be painful I think to myself , he's long like very long and thick . " Hey it's okay" he says as i'm guessing he can see the panic on my face . I take a deep breathe and fully lay down . " Ready?" he asks and I nod . I feel his tip slip up and down my folds making me sigh . He slowly starts sliding in making me gasp . He's stretching me so much and its only the tip . " I know I know , deep breathes baby " he soothes me and I try my best to relax . The more he slides in the more pain spreads through my body. " M-matt it hurts" I whimper as my hands grasps his bicep tightly . " I know sweetheart I know i'm going as slow as possible" he says in a sweet tone . After a couple excruciating minutes he's fully in and the pain is lessening .

Ive never felt so full in my life , I always fantasied about him being big but not this fucking big. At first I felt like I was being ripped in half but now i'm feeling so much pleasure in spots i've never felt before. " Fuck you're squeezing me so tight" he groans making me smile . " Think you can handle me going a little harder ?" he asks and I nod " Use me Matt I can handle it " I whimper and he immediately starts pounding the fuck out of me . I cant help the moans and screams I let out , he's so deep I feel like he's in my chest . " FUCK OH- S-SO DEEP" I literally scream out as he hits so deep I squirt out of nowhere and my legs begin twitching and trembling . " Atta girl " he says and he holds me down by my hips somehow going even harder than he was before . Im fully unable to speak at this pint the only thing that leaves my mouth are squeaks , moans, whimpers and screams as he continues to make me squirt all over him so many times I loose count .

Im becoming so over stimulated and i'm shocked with how much stamina he has . Ive never gone for this long , i'm not comparing but my body feels like it about to shut down any second . " Fucking you dumb with my big cock huh" he says smirking proudly as he watches tears fall down my cheeks . " Y- yes -- s... sir" I choke out In a scratchy voice . " fuck " he groans as I feel his dick start to pulse in me . " You're gonna cum with me " he demands as his fingers rub circles on my swollen clit making my entire body tremble and my hip to lift off the bed . " I - c- cant ... to - to much " I gasp as his fingers add more pressure " You're going to do as I say " he says in a demanding tone that makes me shiver . I whine in protest as my body try to get away from him . He grips my hip so tight its going to leave bruises " come on I can feel you pulsing " he says and I whimper . " MATT" I scream as I come undone , I fully stop breathing and my body convulses and curled into his . He releases into me with a low groan as he holds me close to him .

I finally catch my breath and fully collapse onto the bed , I can barely open my eyes and i'm breathing do heavily its all you can hear. " Shh its okay its okay" he says as he slowly pulls out and lays down pulling me onto him soothing my back . Crazy how he can go form rough as fuck and dominate too sweet and calm the next second . I relax into him as tears still fall from my eyes and my breathing starts to slowly go back to normal. My entire body is shaking and my pussy is pulsing from the abuse it just took from his huge dick.

After probably and hour i've calmed down and my body has stopped trembling . " Let's get you cleaned up" he says before picking me up and bringing me to the bathroom . He sets me on the toilet so I can pee and starts a bath for me . I finish my business and slowly stand stumbling over to the tub . He helps me in and then gets in behind me letting me lean back into his chest and he soothes my hair. " You doin okay?" he asks quietly " more than okay" I say smiling and he pulls me closer keeping his arms wrapped around me.

We lay in the bath comfortable in silence letting the water relax our muscles . " You ready to get out and go to bed?" he asks and I nod sleepily . He helps me out and drys me off before we both climb into bed fully naked not having the energy nor really wanted to put on clothes. He turns off the lights and pulls me close .

I fall asleep within minuets feeling his warmth wrap around me like a blanket of comfort .

I genuinely cant believe this I say reality right now , I wanted this man for years and I finally have him . I will also say that older guys do it better which I fully expected but tonight really showed me that its true. I cant wait to see where this all goes but for now i'm happy .

Her you guys goooooo! I finally got my shit together and finished this part !

Lova ya 🫶🏼💋

@imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @sturniolonmc @blahbel668 @sturnxp

[kyriaejiraiblog]

i feel like i’m dying so long vent wwwww

i have basically no plans for my future, and my dad is always upset about it, and i can’t even begin to explain why cutting feels so good, and that only makes him more upset and think im insane because i “don’t like pain,” and i “have had an extremely easy life,” and i ruined my entire senior year of high school, and im such a lost cause that i have almost no options anymore

but i can’t kill myself, because even if i wasn’t too pathetic to follow through, my dad said it’s the coward’s way out and i can’t let him win… i feel like im always losing, whether it be friends, money, any possible future…. i can’t lose to him too. i need to figure out how to get out of here. i need to leave. he says i have had everything easy, that because i haven’t gone hungry, have a roof over my head, have running water and electricity, that im lucky he has a high stable income because of how he’s suffered in the past… but he doesn’t know how hard it is to wake up every day.

he says i’m lazy, very smart but so lazy. but there’s a reason i have that depression diagnosis. i want to do so much, but i just don’t have the energy or drive to. i barely have the energy to draw, even for commissions or other people. he says i put so much effort into miku expo, and refuse to do anything for my future. what he doesn’t realize is how hard it was to even start styling that wig, how i bought a cosplay off of amazon 2 days before when i wanted to see one myself. he doesn’t realize that i did, in fact, forget that the concert was happening, until one of the friends i was going with texted me about it.

he says i need a boyfriend. that having one will make me happy. i want to date someone. i really do. but i have such a specific preference that i know it’ll never happen. and even if it does, i know that ill become so obsessive over them that ill drive myself further into a void. because its happened before. i wasn’t even dating him and i had texted and talked constantly. asked him if he loved me. threatened to kill myself if he left. shocker, he cut me off. he had his own issues as well, and i still hate him but that’s not the point. i hate him. despise him. i might kill him if im ever unfortunate enough to see him again.

another guy, i completely broke because i rejected him. we were friends for 3 years. that friendship disappeared in a day. i ghosted him, shunned him. i made an excuse of i wasn’t in the right mental place to date. i was cutting, yeah, but nothing excuses what i did. i tried to reconnect but everything i did made things worse. i’m only good for destroying connections.

another guy i met online, dm’ed him constantly. i always sent my darkest thoughts. 2 years ago, i almost landed him in prison because my dad assumed he was a pedophile. in reality, he only viewed me as someone who needed to escape. he even offered his mom’s phone number if i needed someone else to talk to. i regret everything i did to make him suffer.

i always break relationships. even now. the few people who put up with me are precious, but it always only feels like a matter of time before they leave. i’m surprised one of them didn’t leave the second i hurt him, accused him of talking shit about me (without proof, at that). i still love him dearly as a friend, and am happy i met them.

but look at me, what am i supposed to do? i’m useless. i break relationships. i break people. i destroy myself, and any possible future. i’m smart enough to realize that what i do is jeopardizing any potential success, and yet i choose self destruction anyway for a brief feeling of euphoria.

i want to be able to leave this house. i want to be free of whatever life my dad has planned. but im not sure i ever can. i wish i could live the life i constantly dream of. i wish i was a normal person. i’m so tired of everything.

[blackfeathersflurry]

How do you feel about the obsessed parasocial people have with you?

Do you find it more validating or infuriating when these people come up to you?

Do you this that the obsessed parasocial people take you more or less seriously?

My apologies if this is a lot, I just wanted to start with some base questions that have been on my mind on and off lately.

-♾️

These are some really hard questions to answer. I do appreciate them, though.

To begin, the obsession usually begins as a need to escape ones daily life. As reality in and of itself can be difficult, it allows a sense of reprieve if not at least for the moment. I neither find these things validating or infuriating, as these are not my place to judge. I am already dealing with my crisis with identity after believing that all were meant to go back to Jenova, or mother as I called her, and acting as though I were some pseudo Messiah. That caused enough problems and I believe that I am still trying to make up for that moving forward. I believe these people who come up to me with their parasocial ideations are just trying to find something to fill a void in their day to day. While it does bother me on occasion, I unfortunately cannot prevent the decisions or actions of others. Whether or not they take me seriously is dependent on them. I was once a SOLDIER first class. I was seen as Shinra's finest and even a Veteran Hero of Midgar. When I look myself in the mirror sometimes, I contemplate whether or not people should take me seriously all the time or not. What my importance is and who I am. My previous life as a hero was just as lonely. And it got worse when it transcended into Megalomania. I don't want to be that person anymore. So regardless of whether I am taken seriously depends on who I am speaking to.

I appreciate these questions, anon.

I am thankful to have answered them.

[akitasimblr]

Feelings Tag: Sims Edition

Rules: It’s not just our Brooding Sims who have the option to ‘Talk About Feelings’; we can also talk about our feelings, about them, too! Look deep into yourself and ponder on the thoughts which motivate you to play the game we all love, then tag at least 5 people on your follower list to help them explore their feelings too!

i borrowed this from @nolan-sims blog (again!) 🫣😽

The Questions are as Follows:

The boss of EA is in front of you asking for one statement about The Sims before he goes away and makes TS5. What do you say to him?:

thank you for creating ts4 and please grant me just one last wish and let my sims have a proper, timely and uneventful meal at a sims restaurant...pleeeeease?

Do your Sims know you as their Sim God or are you the invisible deity to them?:

they do know they have a watcher, bless them! <33 i have also planned to introduce my simself to them in the future... eventually. yes, cause i am that nerd.

How do you see yourself connected to your Sims? Do those of you who say you love them, really mean this? How deep is your game?:

my harpers are my pixel family - i love them for the pixels they are and somehow i managed to get involved with every each and single one of them. truth is, they have been a comforting company in these times of recovery from a long illness that has worn me out physically and emotionally. the harpers have been my colorful escape from a not very bright reality over these last years… so yes, i am emotionally invested in my harpers and i love them to the extent i could not let them die, not even virtually. my gameplay is not deep, i keep it very simple and organic, but there's not a single harper who doesn't have their own personality and background. they are all my babies <33

What’s your Sims Secret? Is there something going on in your game that none of your screenshots will ever tell us? WHO IS LOCKED IN YOUR BASEMENT? What are those secret Sims doing behind closed doors?:

oh no! no one is locked in my sims basement!!! honestly, the only thing that doesn't appear in my screenshots are wicked whims related screenshots because i like to keep my simblr family-friendly. oh and deaths too... because IF that happens i usually exit without saving :P

Can we learn anything from our Sims to take away for our real lives? And/or can you give us an example of how The Sims has influenced you outside of gaming?:

the simuniverse is so inclusive and sims are not prone to discrimination - we could definitely use a bit of that in our real lives. not exactly the sims per se, but the simblr community has definitely helped me to better understand gender/cultural identities. i considered myself a well-informed person regarding gender issues and non-discrimination issues before joining the simblr community but i have learned so much since i've been here, blogs by @yooniesim or stories like somnium by @rebouks, iggleverse by @igglemouse or the luckys by @bastardtrait were definitely challenging for me on that aspect and opened my eyes to new perspectives and i am grateful for that!

and now i tag: @rebouks @igglemouse @jonquilyst @aurorangen @rainymoodlet

[luxgalador]

Am I misremembering or were you sober? I might be confusing you with another youtuber

No that was me. Last summer, I was curious to check in with myself and where I stood with substances. I was surrounded by really good friends and was in a good headspace and I had a couple drinks.

Critically, I did not feel the compulsion that plagued my 20s and caused me IMMENSE distress to get absolutely obliterated. It was just.... gone.... it wasn't there.

Addiction used to be a daily fight for me. Daily. Literally daily. It ruined nights out. It ruined my ability to socialize. I was afraid and in pain nearly constantly over it.

And it was gone.

I can't prove it empirically, but the big difference between last summer and socializing before the pandemic (this event was really the first thing I had done since COVID started) is transition.

I believe I treated a core disconnect within me, a fundamental source of pain and suffering that was present my whole life. A pain I desperately wanted to escape from but had no actual means. Until transition, escape was the only option.

When we talk about gender affirming healthcare being life saving, it's not an exaggeration. My struggles with substances and the difficulty I experienced with sobriety seem to have been alleviated in a way I never believed possible. I'm honestly in awe that it's just not there. I had 1 (too strong lmao) drink tonight and have no desire to continue. Like. This sounds like normal human behavior but I cannot stress how miraculous that is to me.

It's just.... Gone. This monstrous voice in my head that would scream at me until satiated and my mind completely numb to reality..... It's just gone.

I don't even drink that often. And when I do, at most I just get kinda silly. I've not had more than like 3 drinks in a night.

So yeah! I was sober. For 10 years I was. And then last August I checked in with myself after realizing that I simply was not struggling with it day to day and confirmed my wildest dreams.

Am I cured? I'm not gonna go that far. It's important to me to always be in touch with myself and where I stand. I feel fortunate to have this language fluency in addiction and I understand firsthand how bad these things can get. I still feel fortunate I even survived what happened in 2011/12.

So here's me at 30 learning about alcohol and different drinks and how to make cocktails for the first time, able to do so responsibly.