#do y'all like eating lemons

[astrofrax]

Let's say

Let's say I have 24 lemons. Exactly 24 lemons. Why would I have 24 lemons? Should there be a reason for me to have 24 lemons? By what grand cosmic design have I been permitted to be in the possession of exactly 24 lemons? By what whim of the universe should I own 24 lemons? What long-term use comes out of me owning 24 lemons? What profit or benefit do 24 lemons bring to me? Where on earth did I find 24 lemons to begin with? How

[spookysteddie]

The Very First Date

Modern!Steve Harrington x college!fem!reader

Part two to "lemon drop martini" ... Read part one here

18+ MINORS DNI

desc: you finally call Steve for that first date. And it goes better than you imagined

cw: alcohol mention (reader is not in the slightest drunk), slight Dom!Steve, cocky!Steve begging, pet names (baby, sweetheart, angel), unprotected sex, p in v, creampie. (let mw know if I missed anything)

wc: 2.8k

a/n: I hope y'all enjoy this! based off of this ask who asked me for a part two a while ago (I am so sorry). My writers block has lifted after like a year and here we are! So expect more fics soon!

...

Three days. 

You’d waited three days before calling the number on the napkin. 

Well that’s a lie. You actually called the number the next day (after eating a greasy meal, drinking a shit ton of water, and downing some aspirin… nothing like a hangover) from your roommate Alixs phone. But the second he answered, you hung up very fast. 

Alix, of course, called you a little baby back bitch and told you that you needed to call him. That it’d be nice to have some perks around your little college town. 

You rolled your eyes at the sentiment. 

To say you were nervous talking on the phone with him would be an understatement, in fact you were shitting myself. Scared he’d be able to hear it in your voice how nervous you were. Or, worse, that he wouldn’t remember you. 

Four days ago: 

“This is Steve Harrington speaking. How can I help you?”

You took a deep breath, putting a smile on your face in the hopes it’ll translate through the telephone.

“Hi, Steve. I-it’s y/n. From the bar the other night.” You cringe at the slight stutter and the wave in your voice. “You gave me your number on the napkin.” 

You can practically hear the smile in his voice, coolness seeping from his voice, “lemon drop martini girl. Of course I remember you, sweetheart.” 

You quietly sigh in relief that he remembers. 

“Oh good! I’m sorry for not calling sooner. I was a little hung over and then I had to study and take exams. Finals season.” You laugh awkwardly, cursing yourself for rambling and making a fool out of yourself. Alix would be rolling her eyes. 

Steve laughs on the other end of the line, “ah yes. I hated finals. Very frustrating. Hence why I dropped out, much to my fathers dislike.” 

One thing about you is that you love oversharing. But you love when other people overshare even more. There’s nothing like bonding over a trauma dump. 

You giggle into the phone which makes Steve giggle too, the sound mimicking a sweet song. All you want to make him do it again. 

“Anyway, sweetheart, I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?” His tone is cool and relaxed. You could only wish to sound like that. 

Your heart pounds in your chest, words failing you for a moment. “Oh! Um, nothing actually.”

“Perfect. Hows ‘bout you and I go on a little date? I know a great place. Kinda fancy. What do you say?” 

You could kick your feet like a little girl at the prospect of going out with him. You, also, are tempted to make him wait. To give him just a little bit of a hard time. It was what you'd usually do to the men you like. But there was something in the back of your mind begging you not to. 

“I-I would like that, Steve.” 

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 7. Give you time to study and get ready. Take a nap even.” 

…

 “I can’t do this. I can’t go. I mean, fuck, I have nothing to wear.” 

Nothing to wear was an understatement. You could hardly see the floor of your bedroom, clothes littering it with only a small path for where you keep walking from the mirror to your closet. 

Alix sits on your bed, drinking some wine and eating some popcorn. “I liked the black leather. I don’t know why you won’t just wear that one. You look hot in it.” 

You slide your hands down the front of the blue, sequence dress you have on. “I just feel like that’s not enough. And isn’t it a little … short for a dress for a nice restaurant?” 

Alix shrugs, “I mean, probably but who cares. You look hot.” She sips her wine and says again, “well you look hot in everything.” 

You look over at her, “while that’s sweet, he’s going to be here in fifteen minutes and I need a few shots to calm my nerves so help me pick a dress, please.” 

She rolls her eyes at my dramatics, downing her wine. “I think you should wear the short black one you wore two weeks ago. Not the leather one, the velvet one. Makes your ass look great. Oh with your Louboutins! You spent a lot of money on them and have worn them once. It’s a sin.” 

One thing is for sure, you did spend a lot of money on them, charging them to your dads credit card. 

One change and two shots of vodka later, you were walkin down the steps of your condo to an awaiting Steve. He’s in dark jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray jacket. His hair is just as perfect as the last time you saw him. (which was via instagram… gotta do the research right?)

He whistles long and low as you approach, and in a quick stroke of confidence you decide to do a little spin. He claps slowly as you face him and so, you bow. Just slightly so you don’t accidentally flash him. Not the way you want to start this date. 

“Well hello to you too, Harrington,” you say as you smirk. 

He slips his hand in his pockets, a smirk on his lips that you feel right between your legs. “You look very pretty tonight, sweetheart. I mean you’d look pretty in a potato sac but,” he shrugs. “We should get going.” 

You smile and nod at him. 

And the bar is clearly in fuckin hell, because him opening the door for you makes you want to jump his bones. But then again, no man has ever opened a door for you so… we can let it slide. 

“Such a gentleman.” “Chivalry is not dead sweetheart.” 

… 

Steve is very thoughtful. Sure, he asked all the usual questions you ask on a first date. 

What’s your major?

Do you have any siblings?

What do your parents do for work?

Oh, your dad is in sales? Funny mine too.

He gives you guilt money? Mine too! Look at us 

He also, orders you and him a bottle of wine (he has great taste) but lets you order your own meal (again the bar is in fucking hell). The place he takes you to is nice and the food is the best food you’ve had since you left home after summer break. 

“So Steve, what made you decide to open up a bar in town?” You eat a spoonful of dessert, eyes never leaving his. 

He takes a spoonful of his own dessert. “I was sick of working for everyone else. I knew if I made a unique bar, something you and your friends have never seen, others would want to check it out. Then you’d tell all your friends, who’d tell their friends, etc.” He grins as he talks, keeping eye contact with you. 

It felt like a game of ‘who is going to look away first.’ A game you weren’t going to lose. Slowly, you pull the spoon out of your mouth, dipping it back in to your dessert. “Interesting. Great concept if you ask me.” 

He huffs a small laugh through his nose, “I’m glad you enjoyed my bar.” 

You scrunch your brows, the wine making you bold, “who said I enjoyed it?” 

Now he really laughs, “you seemed to really enjoy all those lemon drop martinis. So much so you had a hangover the next day. I tried giving you waters but you threatened to gut me.” 

Your jaw hangs open, “fibber.” 

“I haven’t been called a fibber since I was a kid,” he smiles. “But yes you did tell me you would gut me. And then you left and I thought I’d never hear from you again.” 

You can’t help but feel slightly guilty inside for not calling sooner. Well, you did call sooner but chickened out. 

“And here we are.” 

“Yes, here we are.” 

He seems to think for a moment, sipping his wine (one he ordered that would go well with the dessert. He was right.)

“Wanna get out of here, sweetheart?” He looks up at you through his lashes, tongue rolling down the inside of his cheek. 

He wasn't… demanding. You knew without a shadow of a doubt that you could turn him down. That he would take you home with a smile on his face. There would be no fuss, no fight, no name calling. No pressure. 

And for that very reason, with a smile on your pretty face you answer him, “yours or mine?” 

… 

You’re not even through the door of his apartment before his mouth is on yours, his large hands on your face. The kiss starts soft, testing the waters and it isn’t very long before you deepen it. Your tongues dance but there is no fight for dominance, you let him win. You want him to win. 

His lips trail over your jaw before slowly moving down your neck, gently nipping at your skin. 

“Such a pretty girl,” he says in between kisses. 

He sucks a bruise into your shoulder, easy to cover up, just in case. You let out a soft moan, hands coming up to tug at his hair. 

“You-you’re pretty too.” 

You can feel him grin against you, head lifting as his body cages you in, “I don’t think anyone has ever called me pretty. Well besides Eddie but that was mocking.” 

You laugh, moving in and kissing him slowly, sweetly, “you are a very pretty boy.” 

You can feel his hard dick jerk at the sentiment, and you keep it as a mental note. You know, just in case you need it. 

“Fuck, can’t say shit like that.” 

“No? Why not?” 

“Cause it makes my cock hard. And it’ll be very embarrassing if I cum in my pants. Can't ruin my reputation.” The smirk on his face makes you almost pass out. You swear to God you can feel every word in your core. 

“Hmmm, we can’t have that can we?” You push his jacket off his shoulders before running your hands down to the hem of his shirt. “Should take me to bed so we don’t risk you cumin’ early.” 

It’s all the permission he needs. His lips are back on yours, his hands under your ass and picking you up. You wrap your legs around his waist, hands in his hair as he carries you to the bed. 

He puts you down gently, his lips never leaving yours. Not for a moment. Not until he pulls away to tug his shirt over his head. You take the moment to take him in, his body lithe and toned.  You also can’t help noticing the scars on his side that look a little like bite marks. Bite marks from something that isn’t human, something you make a mental note to ask him about at a later date. 

“Sculpted from marble, god damn.” You don’t mean to say it out loud, never wanting to stroke a man's ego. 

Steve just grins as he finds the zipper on the side of your dress, pulling it down slowly down, his knuckles slowly touching your skin, leaving goosebumps in his wake. You shiver under the touch and he notices. You’re quickly learning that Steve notices everything.

It isn’t long before he’s pulling the dress down your body, leaving you in only your underwear. Underwear that barely covers you, a wet patch on full display. If it was anyone else, you’d be embarrassed. 

“Are you this wet for me?” His tone is mocking and he’s practically cooing at you, “go on. Answer me.” 

Your eyes widen. Men have been demanding in the bedroom, plenty of them thinking they’re little tough guys. But none of them get that from you, none of them deserving. You’re not sure why you want to give that to him. You’re not sure what makes him different. And honestly, that is a problem for future you to talk about in therapy. 

“Yes,” you reply, voice a little higher than usual. “S’all for you.” 

The smirk he gives you makes your heart speed up. “Such a sweet, pretty thing. God, I want to devour you.” 

His lips move to your chest, sucking a peaked nipple into his mouth. You can’t help but arch into his mouth, a small moan falling from your lips, his hand coming to play with your neglected breast. And it isn’t long before he swaps sides, his teeth nipping and sucking. 

“Please. More.” 

He laughs, moving to oblige you and kissing down your sternum before settling between your legs. “May I?” 

Him asking makes your heart stutter in your chest, “yes. God yes. Please.” 

Steve tugs your underwear down your legs, tossing them to meet the rest of the clothes on the floor. “I think I could get used to praying to me.” 

He doesn’t give you time to answer before he licks up your cunt, stopping at the top to suck on your clit. The moan that comes out of you is loud and you’re thankful the windows are closed. “Fuck, Steve!” 

He pushes a finger inside of you, curling them to reach the spongy spot inside you. “And you moaning my name is even better. Why don’t you do it again, angel” 

He pushes another finger inside you, the burn causing you to grip his hair. “Steve please!” 

“Please what, sweetheart?” 

He moves his fingers faster, continuing to hit your sweet spot over and over again. His mouth moves to your clit, sucking gently. He keeps his eyes on you, observing, listening to every sweet moan and sigh that comes out of you. He files them away in his brain so he never forgets what drives you crazy. 

“Need to… I-I need” 

He sucks hard before pulling back, “need what? Go on, use your words.” 

You gasp, “to cum. I- please.” 

Begging wasn’t what you did for men. If anything, they begged you. Begged you to let them cum. 

Steve doesn’t say a word, just grins and uses his free hand to press on your stomach. That is your undoing. “Steve!” You pulse around his fingers, breath getting caught in your chest. You feel warm all over, head emptying as he works you through it. 

“That’s it baby. That’s a good girl. Bet that feels so good doesn’t it?” 

You try to answer, you really do. But all you can manage is a small nod. 

“Gonna let me fuck you?” 

Again, you can only manage a nod. 

“That’s my girl.” 

And before you can even process his words, he flips you over on your stomach, hands pulling your hips in the air. You’re on full display for him. He can see everything. But you couldn't care less, all you want is him inside you. 

And you get your wish. He moves slow, making sure he doesn’t hurt you. He’s big and you can feel every inch of him stretching you. It’s a tight fit even with how wet you are. 

“Holy shit this pussy is amazing baby. Squeezing me so tight.” 

His other hand braces himself by your head before dropping down to his forearms. He’s so close to you now, inside and out, his hips moving slowly so you adjust to him, and his breath fanning across your face. 

“F-faster. Faster.” Your hands rake down his back, nails digging into his back, making him hiss. 

He snaps his hips faster, grinning down at you. “Just so needy huh?” 

You nod feverishly, “yes. F-feels so fucking good.” 

He laughs at you now, kisses you. “Such a dirty mouth, baby. Pretty girls aren’t supposed to swear.” 

“Says-says you… swear all the time. L-like a sailor.” 

He hums. “Dirty mouth for a dirty fuckin girl.” 

“That-that’s me.”

He fucks you faster and you feel like coil growing tighter and tighter inside you. You wrap your legs around his waist, not wanting him to get too far away. He groans and you can tell he’s close. 

“Want… no need you to cum inside me. I’ll d-die if you don’t,” you beg. You know you’ll probably regret it in the morning, all that you’ve said here in this bedroom. But at the moment you can’t find it inside you to care. Mainly because he was taking up every inch of you. 

“Yeah? Need it? I’ll give it to you baby. Will give you anything you want.” 

And it’s all you need to fall over the edge, walls clenching around him so hard he falls with you. A mutual “fuck!” falls from both your and his lips. 

You're both panting as you come down from the high. He pushes your hair out of your face and kisses you sweetly. Suddenly Steve is giggling, his head falling into the crook of your neck.

“What? Why are you laughing?” you ask with just a little bit of worry. 

“I am so fucking glad you ordered a lemon drop martini.”

[spinning-stars]

Mini smut fics! 🦴Slashers🦴 Part 1

Slashers x Reader

(no genitalia is mentioned but its implied afab!!!)

💥NSFW!!! SMUT!!! LEMON!!! WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT!!!💥

Slashers- Billy and Stu, The Sinclair brothers (Vincent, Bo, Lester), Michael Myers.

Warnings ⚠️- knife play, wax play,body worship, degrading, usage of the word slut, p in v sex, bondage, oral giving and receiving, I made Billy a Sub. (I'll let you know when the bondage, wax play, body worship, degrading usage of the word slut, and knife play)

👻Billy Loomis-

"Please..." Billy looked down at you, eyes filled with lust. You have been teasing his dick for only a small hour, and he was begging for his release. His arms were tied behind his back and you were trying your best to hold his hips still to keep him from thrusting into your mouth. Occasionally you will let his hips go for about a minute or two only to stop his the second he gets close. You gently run your hand over the tip, making his body shiver. "You're going to have to beg more pretty boy," you say while staring up at him with the most innocent eyes. "Fuck... Please, I need it... Y/N... Please" He whimpers while lightly closing his eyes. "Good boy, you earned it," you said while taking him fully in your mouth and lightly sucking. It didn't take much time before his thighs began to shake and you felt his release in your mouth. His soft moans followed his climax.

👻✨Stu Macher-

Stu had your legs spread while you were sitting on his lap. He was rocking his hips back and forth, his hands are leaving deep bruises on your hips. He would occasionally thrust his hips up into you but then continued back into rocking. Stu like teasing you he felt like he was in complete control you would hold down your hips and stop you if you tried moving faster or slower than what he said. "Awe what's wrong Y/n... I thought you could take me. " Stu groans as he sped up a bit. He could feel you tightening around his cock. He slowly moved one of his hands to your thigh and gave it a light squeeze. He thrusted up a bit more into you. He felt your legs start to shake and your nails dig into your back before you both released. You fell into chest and you both began panting.

🎨Vincent Sinclair-

(💥Wax play, Bondage, body worship!!! 💥)

Vincent what's making you into his own kind of art art. He had you tied up the prettiest color of red rope, your legs were spread and your arms were tied above your head. A cute heart design was made on your chest using the rope. Vincent it's on the other end fingering you. He had a hot candle dripping wax on your body. Every time you wince in pain he bends down and lightly kisses that spot. When he wasn't kissing you he was rubbing your body lightly. " You're so beautiful... My muse." You tighten around his fingers and he speeds up trying not to hurt you. When you came he got on his knees and started to eat you out, tuning into your sweet whimpers and moans as you squirm above him.

🔧Bo Sinclair-

(💥 degrading, usage of the word slut, light Bondage💥)

Bo had you been over his giant Dark blue toolbox in the shop. Y'all were doing a quickie before the victims came back to the shop to check on there car. He was ramming in behind you with deep, quick thrust. "Fuck y/n... You feel so nice... you're so damn needy."He groans and throws his head back while picking up the pace. He then slaps your ass leaving a perfect bright red handprint. "You're my slut, Ain't ya'?." He asks as he feels your legs shake and you tighten around his cock. He slows down a tad bit just to leave hickeys and bites on your back and neck. He lets you suck his fingers to keep you from making too much noise. "Shhh... keep quiet, you don't want em' to think you're a slut now do ya?" He says as he bites your shoulder causing you to bleed. He then speeds up the pace while squeezing your ass until you both cum. He loves to pull out and see how much he wrecked you in such little time.

🐾Lester Sinclair-

(💥slight body worship💥)

Lester is the biggest sucker for truck sex. He took his old jacket and folded it into a makeshift pillow, so you don't hurt your head laying on the bed of the truck. Lester is gentle, he kisses your body before sticking it in. He lightly pumped in and out of you while holding on to your hand. "Shit... Honey you're warm and nice." He moans while speeding up a bit. He cums first and then kneels down. "Can't let someone as pretty as you not finish," he pants a bit before eating you out. He bounces back and forth between eating you out and kissing your inner thighs. Here and there leaving light bites until you cum.

🔪Michael Myers-

(💥Knife play 💥)

Michael had you in missionary when he began lightly dragging the tip of his Knife by your side. He was going at a deep but normal pace surprisingly. He looked down to admire his work, you had cuts, hickeys, and bites all over you. For the cherry on top you have a slight ring of tears in your eyes in a face contorted with pleasure. He takes the top of the knife and digs it a little on your side causing blood to start trickling out of the wound. Michael lifted his mask and bent down and began to lightly lick the blood and kiss around the wound. He began to speed up his pace, throwing one of your legs over his shoulder. Both of his hands we're digging into your hips as a rammed in and out of you. Your hands flew up around his neck when you got close. He continued the speed until you both came at the same time. After you two were done, he took the knife and carved 'Michael' on your inner thigh.

Authors note🖤- I thought y'all needed something to spice up your day a bit. Who should I do for part 2? Requests are open! Have a lovely day<3

UPDATE!!! PART 2 IS OUT

[boonsmoon]

Could I request Buddha and Qin Shi Huang (seperate if its okay) with fem reader that has bunny ears and a bunny tail (some smut if that's okay :3)

As per this post, I said I won't write lime/lemon, that includes smut However I will write sfw headcanons for both men Fair warning: I haven't read the manga, so pray for my Qin

Request Masterlist Buddha x f bunny!reader, Qin Shi Huang x f bunny!reader Genres:🎊🌸💞🧪

Funny Bunny

Buddha

Now let's go with the quick assumption you're a spirit of some type, that means you've probably been in Valhalla your whole life

With this, you have most definitely seen Buddha around

He chills with nature and you kinda are nature?? You may have even hung out with him before Ragnarok started

Either way, you both didn't get along at first

Yeah you kinda look like a bunny, but you aren't one... having him give you carrots all the time got pretty insulting

Eventually you snapped and told him that the ears and tails didn't limit what you could eat, plus carrots aren't even nutritional to rabbits!

He has promoted you to broccoli, but he ain't sharing that candy

Yes, you two are like the cutest couple, but also happen to be the sassiest

For a spirit you sure can carry the wrath of a god

He will pet your ears but consensually, we don't talk about the last incident

Overall, y'all are just some silly, go with the flow fellas, 10/10 couple

Qin Shi Huang

Bro I'm gonna be honest, neither one of y'all remember how you met

One day he just spawned and you had to learn to tolerate him

You still question how a blind man was able to snatch your ears and feel them, how did you not see him there?

It doesn't matter now, he wouldn't dare do such a thing now

At least when he shares food it's a decent variety, you've been upgraded to fruits and even meat if you want

Not quite a power duo, but more of a "fuck around and find out" couple

He has to skills to back up his confidence, you have deception to hide your abilities, kinda OP if you ask me

You will actively rant to him about how humans clearly don't understand food and animal compatibility

You've never gotten a carrot from him, not even indirectly, purely from your ranting

This is a fair relationship though, so he rants back about gods being absolute idiots

Overall, y'all are an unstoppable force in Valhalla, there is no immovable object for you two, also 10/10

praying these turned out decent

i got a bit silly with this one if you couldnt tell

[plaguedocboi]

I have so many questions about aquariums like

1. How do y'all get the fish in there, is it like breeding or do you have to catch them?

2. Do you get to pet the fish that are in the tanks? Like guppies or sharks for example

3. Do fish talk like at all? Example being the little blub blub sounds you hear in media

4. How do you deal with fishies that breath the air? Do they get to hop out of the water sometimes?

5. How do you feed the bigger ones like sharks? Do you use already passed on fish or live ones?

6. Do you have any pictures of lemon sharks? They're my favourite!

1. It is a mix of both. Some fish are bred in captivity but others just don’t breed in captive settings and thus have to be collected from the wild.

2. As an aquarist, yes you can pet many of the animals (assuming they want to be petted). There’s a lot of fish that enjoy being petted and I often give them a lil pat during feedings.

3. Fish do make many sounds but most of them are outside the range of human hearing, so they can communicate with each other but sadly I can’t tell what they’re saying. But they also communicate with body language, just like other animals! So even if you can’t hear them, you still learn to understand what they’re saying.

4. Semi-aquatic fish like mudskippers usually have a land area, yes.

5. We don’t use the dead aquarium fish to feed other fish. At all the aquariums I’ve worked at, dead fish are frozen and eventually necropsied to see what killed them. Oftentimes we lose animals to disease that could be transmitted to other fish that eat them, and we don’t want to risk that. We feed them store-bought seafood. As for how, we do broadcast-feedings where we just indiscriminately toss food around the tank, and target-feeding where we have to hand the food to the animal.

6. I don’t have any lemon sharks where I work now, but here’s some of our chain catsharks!

[miloformula123fan]

Hey! Could you do fic about Fernando Alonso x baker!reader from prompt? Tag me later! Thanks

of course darling. im so sorry it took me this long to get it out for you <3

Please keep requesting - y'all have awesome ideas we agree on a lot of stuff :) - my guidelines are here, and if you want some prompts, they are here.

also feel free to come in and start chatting to me in my asks, would love to get to know y'all better

and if you want to be added to my taglist lmk :)

and my masterlist is here <3

fernando alonso x baker!reader

“Hola, welcome to pan y amor, what can i get for you?”

“Your number?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Oh are you taken, my apologies. ”

“...no I’m not taken, just wasn’t expecting you to be so bold. How about you buy something and if you like it you can have my number and take me on a date?”

“I am not usually this bold, I apologise. Okay then, what would you recommend, mi sol?”

“Well, I mean, I have to recommend our natillas de leche, unless your allergic to something in them, then I’d try and think of something else.”

“Not allergic, though if my trainer heard how many of these I was eating.”

“Trainer huh?” as Y/N passed over the natillas. “so , you’re an athlete?”

“F1 driver, Fernando Alonso” he held over his hand to shake, after paying “i’m from here, so I like to come in and spend time with the locals”

“Oh, well I’m not the biggest f1 fan, but I’m sure happy to help the locals, maybe you could introduce me to F1.”

---

“Darling, I’m trying to make some brownies before the bakery opens, you cannot come in here and distract me.”

“Can I make something to help?”

“Do you swear that you will follow my instructions to a T?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay, you can make some caramel slices. You need to grab almond meal, vanilla protein powder, rice malt syrup, coconut oil, peanut butter, and dark chocolate, did you understand that?”

“Yes chef!”

“Okay good. It needs to go in the fridge, and then you can work on the strawberry lemon scones and then when i'm working on the tiramisu you can work on the orange loaf.”

“You’re telling me that when i rock up before my girlfriend officially starts work to hang out with her, all that happens if I have to do unpaid work.”

“Well i can’t pay you a f1 driver wage, because i can’t afford it and also you are not an f1 driver equivalent baker. I don’t even know if it’s worth giving you these ingredients for fear that I cannot sell what you make.”

---

“Okay, welcome back to pan y amor, as you know we in Cogollo, are massive f1 fans, so we have made some pumpkin cream cheese muffins to celebrate Fernando’s 33rd win. We had a little birdy tell us that this was his favourite flavour, so here’s how we make it, as always the full recipe will be on our blog y si quieres ver esta receta en español, ve a nuestro perfil, donde repasamos exactamente la misma receta, pero en español, para que todos nuestros fans de habla hispana también puedan seguirla. We’ve started this recipe by preheating the oven to 175 degrees celsius, which is 350 degrees fahrenheit for our American fans. 

And as my boyfriend gets in the way, the pumpkin cream cheese muffins are gonna be made slower. He loves this flavour so he’d better get out of my way so I can make the muffins, si, comprendo?”

“Comprendo, capitan!”

Bien, bienvenido de nuevo a pan y amor, como ya sabéis, en Cogollo somos grandes fans de la F1, así que hemos preparado unas magdalenas de calabaza y queso crema para celebrar la victoria número 33 de Fernando. Un pajarito nos dijo que este era su sabor favorito, así que así es como lo preparamos, como siempre la receta completa estará en nuestro blog and if you want to see this recipe in english, go to our profile, where we run through the exact same recipe, but in english, so all our english speaking fans can also follow. Comenzamos esta receta precalentando el horno a 175 grados centígrados.’

'Okay call me delusional, but was that Fernando in this tiktok?'

'Why is fernando voicing a random bakery’s tiktoks?'

'this bakery is in his home town, so maybe he knows them'

'WHY IS THE BAKERY OWNER SO PRETTY'

---

i am going to apologise now because I doubt this made sense :)

taglist: @leosxrealm, @pear-1206, @tallrock35, @wolf-knights, @janeholt3

[mybedroomceilingsbored]

hey y'all!

you can call me Mouse! i'm a nerdy, artsy-craftsy, music-loving, socially awkward, incredibly enthusiastic GEEK.

i love chatting with people and making new friends, always feel free to shoot me an ask/dm :)

about me

☼ she/her pronouns are great! ☼ i'm a minor ☼ lesbian (or something like that) ☼ i'm a dancer! (ballet, pointe, modern, jazz, tap, and hip-hop) ☼ i play the piano, flute, and ukulele, and i'm learning trumpet ☼ i love hugs and physical touch ☼ i use a ton of pet names-lmk what you're comfortable with! ☼ pisces sun/moon, scorpio rising ☼ infp-t 2w3 (explanations linked, if you're curious) ☼ one (1) beach completed, on my way to becoming an Official Certified Ken (credit: my very dear @green-binder) ☼ i tend to forget things-please don't take anything i do/don't do personally! chances are it just slipped my mind. ☼ i love interacting with people, but i do sometimes burn out. sometimes i just don't have the energy to reply to something or continue a conversation, please don't take it personally!

not rlly doing chain mail atm, sorry!

i've got a funky lil tma sideblog @consumedbywhatlovesme if you're interested, hyperfixation still going STRONG 💪

things i love...

☼ cavetown!! ☼ the magnus archives ☼ coraline ☼ hozier ☼ plants/gardening ☼ ancient greek mythology and culture ☼ microbiology ☼ slime molds! ☼ mushrooms and other fungi ☼ stranger things ☼ pjo ☼ cats! ☼ good omens ☼ baking ☼ crochet/knitting ☼ long bike rides ☼ sketching and painting ☼ rainy days

... and people i love!

@15millionfireflies, @bleep-bloop-boo, @brains-out-rn, @ch3rry-t0mat0, @currently-becoming-potatoes, @dormienscattus,

@fairyycoffin, @forever-bi-panic, @galaxys-universe, @green-binder, @hugallurfriends,

@i-eat-so-much-grass, @joespookyregardinghappenenings, @margaret-the-duck, @marisolebio, @mossy-stormcloud,

@remithegayshoebill, @sad-girl-shit11, @sagaofa-dying-star, @scatteredraysofhope,

@small-giggle, @that-dam-heartstopper-fan, @the-chaotic-snek, @theladyofpaintedstars, @thestrawberryapologist,

@totheidiot, @trans-lobotomy, @urlocalsadkid-l, @wistfulenchantress, @yelenapines

comfort books...

☼ a psalm for the wild built, a prayer for the crown-shy, coraline, the electric kingdom, the song of achilles, truly devious, a wrinkle in time, inward, heartstopper, the secret garden, severance, they

... movies, tv, and podcasts...

☼ coraline, the magnus archives, heartstopper, spirited away, stranger things, good omens, various concert films, over the garden wall, gravity falls

... and foods

☼ hot cocoa, peach tea, lemon cookies, asparagus, fresh sourdough, grapefruit, chocolate chip cookie dough, berries of any kind

currently listening to

favorite artists

☼ cavetown, hozier, lizzy mcalpine, luz, wallows, girl in red, taylor swift, mother mother, billie eilish, david kushner, madilyn mei, coin, tv girl, fuvk, gregory alan isakov, mxmtoon, boygenius (+ solo work), hayd, maya hawke, pomme, the paper kites, novo amor

songs i try to live by

☼ talk to you (cavetown) ☼ hug all ur friends (cavetown) ☼ carry you (novo amor) ☼ words (gregory alan isakov) ☼ pancakes for dinner (lizzy mcalpine) ☼ let light be light (lizzy mcalpine) ☼ cold (novo amor) ☼ crooked the road (mon rovia)

please send me music recs!! i usually listen to indie pop, indie folk, and indie rock/modern rock, but i'm always happy to listen to something new :)

moodboard by my darling @wistfulenchantress <33

congrats on making it all the way to the end haha!!

have a beautiful day/night sweetheart, love ya :)

(dividers by @/saradika-graphics, their stuff is absolutely gorgeous)

[kristlewrites]

“Baby I’m ready for take off”

CW: Cock Warming ,Chest Riding, Fluff(?), Poorly written smut, comfort(?) nicknames ( ma, mamas, papa, and baby)

PAIRING: Connie x Black!FemReader

WC: 0.9k

🫧🗯️: Test run post! Don’t judge🤒 ALSO! first time writing smut so if it’s bad i’m sorry, it’ll probably remain like that for a minute…(title is from a wayv song.. doesn’t have to do anything with the fic🪦🪦)

MINORS DNI

(take off!)

It's been a long day, long week even. School has been beating your ass with essays and finals..this was your only chance to relax. You enter connie's apartment around 6 pm, he wasn't there because he's also been busy but not with school. The team made it to regionals and the coach has been working the team the bone with drills everyday.

     You use your key that he lent to you and make yourself at home, he lived off campus. You make your way into the shower and clean yourself up real quick and change into his pajamas, although a lot of your clothes is in his room, hell ! you even have your own drawer! But you love the way his clothes feels on you and his scent makes you feel safe. You were absolutely starving by the time you got dressed and decided to go order some food, wing-stop you finally decide you got yourself a 12 pc hot and lemon pepper with a side of fries and A sprite. When the food came around it was almost eight and Connie should be on his way home.

   After you finished eating you cleaned up super quick and went to bed, connie showed up about an hour later. He knew you were here but seeing you in his sheets and pjs made his heart falter. He went in the shower quickly and joined you in bed. He tried his best not to make any noise but regardless you still woke up 

    "Sorry ma, didn't mean to wake you up"

    he said so gentle, 

      "how are you? I'm sorry I came home late.. i didn't expect coach to keep us so long"

   he caressed your cheeks trying to get you back to sleep. You looked up at his beautiful freckled face, you missed him so much you guys havent been able to see each other at all this week with being so occupied with your own personal activities and affairs. Small tears stream from your eyes, he wipes them away with such care and delicacy.

   "I know, I know ive missed you too, baby"

    You turn towards to him and indulge into his chest , he's not wearing a shirt which is normal since he gets really sweaty at night (😭😭🪦🪦🪦) you start talking about the events that happened that week, how your essay went, how you absolutely failed your stats test, new books you bought, girl drama, and how stressful it's been for you. He nods occasionally and throws in a couple of "mhms" to let yk that he's still listening. This goes on for about an hour and at this point you're just rambling, but connie understands how much you love to talk and let's you continue without complaint, that is until you ask him about his week and what he's done. 

   At this point he's practically knocked out. 

   "Hah, What was that baby what did you say??" he said a little bit groggy

   You repeat your question, but while you do you see that he's HARD??? No way this man was hard from just hearing you talk.But then he must've been backed up from this whole week because of how rarely he saw you or had anytime for himself. When you think about it has been a while since y'all had sex, because of how seldom it's been to even talk to him on the phone 

   "Hey con.. You're hard, how long has it been?" you ask while playing with his nipples. (🪦🪦🪦)

   "Baby you don't even understand how much i've missed you..c'mere" He pulls you closer to his penis.

  Slowly he removes his pants and boxers, revealing his hard leaking cock.. good lord it was so much prettier than you remember. You slowly enter his dick into your hole, surprised by how wet you were.

   "Be careful mamas I could jizz into you at any point" you laughed at his choice of words, it was clear that he hasn't been relived in awhile..and while you were also tired doesn't mean you could at least help him out!!?? and you were on the pill so that should count for something..right??? Continuing you grab ahold of his tip and insert it, until fully seethed into your pussy. It felt so good, you grabbed his hand and placed it on your stomach showing him where his dick is. That really pushed him over and sprayed your pussy through and through. your poor baby he was so sensitive. You guys stayed like that until morning.

   Waking up, you find yourself looking at connie sleeping so soundly and peacefully. You reach for your phone but feel restricted once you've realized the man got a whole ass dick in you. omggg

  "Baby wake up" you whisper yell, tapping his chest. you roam your fingers on along his abs, a few seconds later connie shifts a little bit to remove his cock from you and lifts you up and places you down on his chest. This all happens so quick that u immediately shiver, with your wet slicky pussy on top of his chest he begins move you up and down while his dick teases at your ass crack. Your nails dig into his abdomen while you grind your silky pussy over his abs. Connie's hands take pleasure in your tits while they bounce up and down, twisting and turning you nipples putting you into over drive. Your cum glazes over his abs, you panting hard. First thing in the morning... You rest your head on his chest finding his heart beat while he rubs your head calming you down. 

   "I love you ma" he whispers, he feels your smile into his chest and laughs a bit. He raises your head, "did you hear what I said?" He leans in for a kiss and you return it. "I love you too papa"

(Think of this as a soft launch ijbol)🫧🗯️

[bones4thecats]

Oh lord, here I go again...

Hey guys! I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while, I'm working on the final request and then I'll get to working on some Demon Slayer and other fandom's pieces! Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this. Love y'all &lt;3

Demon Slayer Incorrect Quotes (mainly Hashira)

Sanemi Shinazugawa: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees? Uzui Tengen: Bees? Sanemi Shinazugawa: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES! Uzui Tengen: Wait- *Iguro Obanai approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly* Shinobu Kocho: Do you even know what an amulet is? Inosuke Hashibira: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions! Shinobu Kocho: Inosuke, those are omelettes. Inosuke Hashibira: Oh. Then I’ve got nothing. *In response to receiving a gift* Kanroji Mitsuri: Wow! That’s awesome! I’ll pay you back! Tomioka Giyuu: You didn’t have to get this for me… Sanemi Shinazugawa: S-stupid! Now I HAVE to get you something! Muichiro Tokito: Th-thanks, but why? Kyojuro Rengoku: Oh my! I can’t accept a gift like this! Muzan Kibutsuji: Did you keep the receipt? Inosuke Hashibira: Why is Tomeokana making us do the dishes again? You haven’t washed them in a week, Gonpachiro! Tanjiro Kamado: It’s because I’m Giyuu's favorite. Zenitsu Agatsuma: I hate you. Uzui Tengen: Rengoku, I have a question. Rengoku Kyojuro: What is it, Uzui? Uzui Tengen: What color is an orange? Rengoku Kyojuro: Best-Buddy, you bonehead! Its color is the same as its name. Just like a lemon. Muichiro Tokito: You remind me of the ocean. Sanemi Shinazugawa: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Muichiro Tokito: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people. Uzui Tengen, watching power lines fall down: Gyomei, Shinobu! The town is exploding and it's very pretty! Mitsuri Kanroji: So, what’s Iguro's type? Kyojuro Rengoku: Pink and green hair, kind, oblivious, good sense of humor, complete lover. Mitsuri Kanroji: Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends. Kyojuro Rengoku: Did I mention oblivious? Mitsuri Kanroji: Yeah, why? Kyojuro Rengoku: Okay, just making sure. Gyomei Himejima: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.

[alternianfantasy]

Gotham Knights Jason Todd Appreciation

I know we're all used to floppy haired angsty Jason, but Bruiser lemon-chicken eating, wallet chain wearing, goofy ahh military haircut Jason has! Potential! Put some respect on this man, for Christs sake! Maybe some of y'all are too young to truly understand what this specific brand of metrosexual East Coast white boy entails! Artist

ABSOLUTELY lets you pluck and shape those brows when ur alone.

You help this poor man with his skincare. Moisturizing those scars will help them be less stiff!

Will pretend not to be into your reality TV show but ends up watching over your shoulder 9/10 times.

He's your lil fuckin' dress up doll. I'm so serious. Man has a New Jersey straight guy understanding of style but will happily wear the stuff you buy him.

CAN BE TALKED INTO GETTING A PEDICURE. Not all out with colored polish or anything, but getting your shit trimmed and scrubbed and clean feels nice, though he will never admit it. Not even to you.

This man goes to a barber. Not a stylist like Dick or Babs would, or a supercuts like Tim. Jason gets his hair cut in the East End by Someone's Uncle. That's hot.

OR maybe you do it, if you're good with a pair of clippers. Nothing is more intimate than doing ur man's hair.

[harvesti]

extended intro post:

daily workout (running/pilates/yoga): home workouts, because gyms make me nervous and a bit annoyed (too many people making too much noise!). I usually spend around 45 minutes-1 hour doing each of these, and I rarely do more than one per day, except when I mix my yoga routine to my pilates routine. I don't like to take full rest days so usually my rest days are just yoga days, and I leave my full rest days for occasions when I can't workout because of another commitment.

no refined/added sugar: made the decision to cut back on sugar by the end of 2023 because I started reading a lot about nutrition and realized that sugar is just not meant to be consumed the way we do, in this extremely processed, refined, concentrated form. it's addictive, harmful for our health, and it spoils our palate for other foods. not to mention that it is the biggest villain when it comes to weight gain. I meant to just cut back a bit when I made the decision but since around April 2024 I just cut it off completely.

no highly processed food: another huge villain when it comes to health and weight, full of toxic additives that we don't even understand, addictive, and a big enabler of laziness. I only eat food that I can recognize as food and understand what's in it, so almost nothing that comes in an aluminium foil packet makes it to my shopping cart.

no red meat: I was actually vegan for 2 and a half years but eventually went back to eating dairy and eggs, and I'll eat the occasional chicken and fish, although so rarely that I think I could consider myself a vegetarian. but even when I went back on my dietary choices, I couldn't stomach red meat anymore. most people don't even know how to cook it properly anyway, I hate handling it on my own, and it just makes me feel heavy, both physically as well as spiritually.

no soda: this came naturally as I decided to stop eating highly processed foods, but I used to be the Diet Coke Girl™ all my life, and I thought it was cool since it had no sugar. imagine my surprise when I found out that artificial sweeteners such as the one in diet Coke actually make you crave sugar and leads to binges. not to mention, soda makes me totally bloated.

no overeating: that's a no-brainer, but it was the hardest part of my journey! I love eating, y'all, and my brain was always like, I rather feast and indulge than feel like I'm going to miss out. it took me a long time to find a balance and being able to just enjoy a meal without feeling like I need to ravage a huge plate to feel like I truly enjoyed it. cooking 100% of my own food helped a lot with that.

no alcohol: quit on May 2024, after I realized I was using alcohol as a way to distract myself and ease anxiety when it occured. I was also feeling my limit getting weaker, so I had to drink a lot more to get tipsy, but when I got tipsy, I got sick almost immediately. it stopped being fun, and it felt more like a hassle than something that could give me pleasure. now that I'm completely sober, I realize drinking alcohol is kind of... terrible. it was a great decision, even if I did it sort of by accident really.

low caffeine (coffee only in the morning, green tea all day): I used to drink 4-5 cups of very strong black coffee throughout the day and, of course, I had major anxiety to the point of trembling, getting migraines and becoming paranoid. I started lowering my intake first to deal with this aspect, but later I found out that caffeine also leads to cravings and binging exactly because it accelerates the body and the mind so much! now I only have it after I wake up and sometimes in the afternoon, if I'm really sleepy when I can't really be sleepy. I still have a lot of tea because I love a hot beverage, and green tea actually calms me down a lot, even if it does have caffeine as well. I take mine with ginger and a splash of lemon juice.

lots of greens, lots of whole foods, lots of water, lots of fruits, lots of sun: another no-brainer! my favorites are broccoli, kale, leeks, chickpeas, zucchini, cherry tomatoes (which I grow myself), mushrooms, grapes, plums, pineapple, bananas, coconut and melon.

i.f. 16:8: I feel like it's absolutely necessary to give my body time to deal with itself without the "burden" of digestion. everything that happens in the body is a trade-off, so if my body is constantly dealing with food, it can't pay attention to other important processes. not to mention that, intermittent fasting takes my mind off food for a while, helps me plan ahead my meals better, makes me focus on nutritive choices instead of ones that are just yummy... and I enjoy eating when I'm actually hungry!

takeouts/eating out out on special occasions; same with dessert: it may seem like a restriction, but it's something I decided to kind of recover a sense of hacing these things be special again. once I started to make my own money and become independent, I started to indulge a lot on these things because when I was a kid they were so rare and exciting, so I was always eating out at my fav restaurants and always having something sweet around, until it just became a bad habit. now, keeping these things safe for special days makes them special too instead of just feeling like a boring indulgence. (I still try to get desserts that are sugar-free or very small on sugar though.) my fav food to eat out is sushi!

daily reading, at least 3 hours: as a real Classic Millennial, I used to be a huge reader when I was a kid, but as social media became a thing in my life, I lost the habit completely. the pandemic made me realize I needed to go back to books and delete Twitter, basically, which was my biggest distraction, and I've immediately reconnected with my old self and started to read like 50 books every year since. my fav genres are romance and non-fiction about nutrition and botany!

no complaining, no gossiping: it's a big part of my mental health to be grateful and to focus on myself. it may seem small, but it completely changed my perspective on day-to-day life once I set the rules to not complain and not gossip. actually, I don't engage with anything that doesn't concern me directly, doesn't benefit me directly, and is out of my control. life is chill like that.

no dwelling on the past: burned my childhood diaries, cut ties with past relationships that were just hanging around me because of the size of our history, let go of constantly reminiscing and trying to run scenarios and dialogues in my head. I only deal with the day and the week I have ahead, and that's what exists in my reality. no past, no distant future. two feet on the ground.

skin and hair care every evening: I've been genetically blessed with poreless skin and thick hair, but I still have to care for my skin because it tends to dry heavily, and caring for long, thick hair is a must, otherwise it tangles within hours. my skin care is a mix of high hydration, careful nutrition, and The Body Shop's aloe vera night cream for my face, and my hair care is washing it every 3 days (2 days in the summer), keeping it in a hydrating mask, blow drying it, coconut-oiling it, and keeping it in braids whenever I can, especially when sleeping.

silence = gold: I focus immensely on being observant, being a listener, being non-reactive. I think spending long periods of time not speaking, not watching anything, no music, just listening to nature (especially in the mornings) is of utmost importance to a healthy mental and spiritual state. "speech is silver, silence is gold" is one of my life's mottos!

(thanks for reading all of this!)

[p1nkm1lkslug]

Just random things in the creeps fandom that keep me up at night:

That time I was desperate for more Frankie fics and made the grave mistake to look on wattpad and was then met with that oddly specific franki x LJ lemon that had me cringing so bad I physically couldn't finish it 💀

the duality of Isaac Lee Grossman he's either "rich, suger daddy, hot British accent, practically a dark romance love interest" Or "poor fucking orphan, eats cement😭, has the most " ELLO GOVNER " British accent, hates everyone, homophobic, rat man"

Will being a scene kid and creepy pasta fan boy (you guys remember that one audio "YOUR HERO'S WEAR CAPES OURS WEAR HOODS" Or drawing the proxy symbol? Yeah he would eat that shit upppp

Finding fungalzombies cosplay videos on YouTube (i desperately wanna do a Frankie cosplay)

Seeing little kids videos of there fan art to snuffbomb on YouTube (also fuck snuffbomb)

Obsession over people's creeps oc (NAH BECAUSE Y'ALL GET SO CREATIVE I'M EATING THAT SHIT AND I AM INVESTED PLEASE YAP TO ME ABOUT THAT SINGLE MOTHER WHO USED TO WORK FOR SLENDER MAN AND THE HOMOPHOBIC HOMOSEXUAL SON OF BEELZEBUB)

not enough talk about hook man idk why I just wish we saw more of him 😭

My question as to why tf jack wasn't with slender in the of comic? Like what happened-

Also on that note how tf do they know masky (also it was cheesecake!masky 💀)

frankie and how he got like 5 seconds of screen time and then got consumed by the void (the only ones left in this fandom)

Looking for fics on ao3 and was met with "Isaac Lee Grossman/will Grossman" 😭

The duality of isaac and LJ "there married and love each other :3" And "jack fucking ate him"

[feathersbreath]

Some wl tips that I've learned:

If you start your day by drinking ginger-lemon tea or raw ginger and lemon steeped in hot water on an empty stomach, it helps you with weight loss. (Source: Dr. Barbara O'Neill. Barbara O'Neill is amazing when it comes to wl, definitely watch some of her seminars on YouTube if you haven't.)

If you eat less, you'll lose weight, but mostly muscle. If you eat less but prioritize protein, you'll lose body fat. (Source: Dr. James DiNicolantonio)

Gut health is so important! A healthy gut and an unhealthy gut can be the difference between weight loss and weight gain.

Also, it might be good to do a parasite cleanse, as a lot of them will make you crave things like sugar and other carbs, which causes weight gain and keeps the parasites alive in your system. Pumpkin seeds, papaya seeds, and the 1150 hz sine tone frequency are great for killing off and expelling parasites.

Do lymphatic drainage methods! I did a lymphatic massage on my stomach and not only did I have less bloating after I did so, but it really helped me with my constipation (and ik that y'all need that on here)

If you have raw veggies before a meal it keeps your blood sugar stable and keeps your cravings low, so when you eat your meal you don't feel so insatiably hungry and you don't overeat. This is actually a normal thing that France does - they give you veggies before your meal specifically for this purpose, they call it "crudités".

[lazypanartist]

Larry x Reader Headcanons

Larry is.. an underrated character. The Exceptional Everyman. A gym leader!!... A nine to fiver, lmao. Can't help but love him already (I kinda get Tired Dad Vibes™ but some of y'all might feel differently so Here)

-----

He loves you to bits

Sees himself as really ordinary, but you chose him

Common relationship thing ofc

Doesn't treat you like you're above him, but rather like an equal; a life partner, someone stable

Believes it builds healthier relationships if the playing field is level

Thank you for the unfiltered respect, Larry!

You two can't spend a ton of time together

Him working a day job, being a gym leader, AND taking role as one of the Elite Four kinda eats his time

He's one of those guys who has his sweetheart as his desktop

So he can see your face when he's apart ^-^

Not a selfie guy, but lets you take pictures together whenever (if you care)

Knows your order for Treasure Eatery by heart

Ofc you know his (the Secret Menu Item, actually! For those of you who need/will need it, it's grilled rice balls, medium, fire blast with lemon.)

You two probably share an apartment in Medali

It's a nicely sized city. Two Pokestops, plenty of restaurants, and gorgeous views from any apartment! (Starting at ¥200,000 a month!)

Doesn't expect anything of you except to do your part of the household chores

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever.

Doesn't care if the apartment's a bit messy and you're busy with a personal project

He could come home after working all day, see you passed out on the couch with the TV still on, and smile

Cheesy ASF but you're his greatest treasure

[gerogerigaogaigar]

Alright here are ten more albums. These ones are just my personal picks. Some that you prolly don't know and some you definitely do. I think you should listen to all of them because I like them a lot and if you don't like them then I promise I will cry a little.

Lemon Demon - Spirit Phone

Okay so I know that half of you just checked out because this is a 'meme album' and you simply will not take me seriously no matter what but honestly if that's you then go fuck yourself. Anyway Neil Cicierega is an internet fixture. He has brought us animutation, The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny, Mouth Sounds, Potter Puppet Pals, Brodyquest, Ariel Needs Legs, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. So it isn't really a surprise that his first full album under the Lemon Demon moniker in a decade went down as a piece of weird internet errata as well. The thing is, Spirit Phone is a fucking masterpiece.

The subject matter is the occult, conspiracy theories, urban legends, aliens, cryptids, and conservatives. Nothing too weird, but the way he tackles these subjects is. Let's take Cabinet Man for example, it plays on the urban legend of the haunted arcade cabinet Polybius. But Cabinet Man is told from the point of view of the machine itself. It's about a man who turns himself into an arcade cabinet and about his life as an arcade cabinet. The very next track, No Eyed Girl, is a doo wop styled love song written to a lovecraftian horror. And yes this is all very Quirky™ but Cicierega never wink at the camera, he never lets on that this is a joke. Just like unironically here's a song about sexualizing (even if he insists it isn't sexual) eating mummies. Why not? The frenetic pacing always keeps you off balance too so there is no way to get used to the weirdness other than to let yourself be subsumed by it.

"But wait!" I hear you saying "what was that thing about conservatism? What does that have to do with the occult?" I'm glad you asked because I think the funniest thing this album does is deliver three songs in a row that have nothing to do with the rest of the album's main themes. As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It, I Earned My Life, and Reaganomics all satirize American boomer conservatism. I think putting them there after all the conspiracy theory stuff is brilliant. The paranoid, surreal attitudes of the first half of the album contrasted against the equally paranoid and surreal attitudes of conservatives. Finally I just want to mention my number one favorite thing about this album and it's that I Earned My Life is written in the style of Paul Simon's Graceland. That makes me laugh. What an effortless takedown of a legendary artist and album.

Ween - The Mollusk

Ween are a pretty weird band. And my standards for what counts as weird are pretty high. So the fact that their least weird album is this nautically themed psychedelic hellscape isn't saying much. The Mollusk sounds how low tide smells. The album is like the rhyme of the ancient mariner but the albatross is replaced by hundreds of barnacles. It is a decaying mess, but it's also jaunty and fun. Purely stupid nonsense like Waving My Dick In The Wind and Dancing In The Show Tonight are placed side by side with the intense and horror tinged Golden Eel and Mutilated Lips.

Musically Ween are uncharacteristically cohesive. Sure they run the gamut of genres from intense proggy numbers to punk and alternative rock and some showtunesy stuff, but it's all mastered as wet as possible. By the way y'all know when I say a sound is wet I mean heavily processed as opposed to dry which is raw unprocessed audio right? There is copious reverb, chorus and especially phasing on every song until they all sound like waves crashing against a rock.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about The Mollusk is that it is, I think at least, the only Ween album to contain a straight cover. Cold Blows The Wind is just a folk song that Gener and Deaner just play dead straight. That is very unusual for a band that prefers to vaguely mock artists or styles rather than just do them. Of course that track is immediately followed by a song called Pink Eye On My Leg so don't take these guys seriously for too long.

Atom And His Package - A Society Of People Named Elihu

There is no other album that feels more like an inside joke among high schoolers that you aren't privy to the context for. Adam Goren repeatedly name drops his friends and talks about things very specific to his life. The album is a mess of unfettered id where no concept is dwelt on for very long and no hesitation is given before launching into something completely unrelated. The very first track contemplates a hypothetical Punk Rock Academy before losing track of itself and barreling full throttle into an interpolation of Eddie Money's Take Me Home Tonight. This kind of thing happens a lot. Me And My Black Metal friends interpolated Dexys Midnight Runners' hit Come On Eileen for no apparent reason other than that is what started going through Goren's head at the time. This album has three different birthday songs on it, the first of which has the refrain "Happy Birthday Ralph, I love you, even though you are fucking disgusting." Who is Ralph? You aren't asking the right questions.

Oh yeah and this album is entirely just a guy singing over a drum machine and keyboard. But it's also kind of a punk rock album. Atom And His Package don't sound super punk at first glance, but he has the ethos. And structurally, well there's a little more punk rock in here than you might expect. I'll stand by A Society Of People Named Elihu as a punk rock album because it's funny and I think that is what Adam Goren would want.

TV On The Radio - Return To Cookie Mountain

There's a lot of art rock out there that I'm totally in love with. But TV On The Radio are on a different level. They are extremely catchy, but also different than anything else around them. They exist somewhere in between 00s post punk revival and, uh honestly I don't know. I thought something would come to me as I was typing this. There is nothing to compare the unique use of drums and percussion to create both rhythmic and textural elements while the bass guitar makes up the majority of the melody. The members of the band all harmonize beautifully on vocals and when you break the songs down you find just a few instruments being layered into a looping, spiraling current of sound. A Method and Dirtywhirl especially sound like they are physically spiralling. They use looped percussion and bass, repetitive singsong vocals, and thrumming rhythms to create a completely unique sonic landscape that is both overwhelming and extremely addictive. It is too easy for me to finish this album and then put it back on again because there is nothing else that scratches the itch this album gives me.

Between The Buried And Me - Colors

I don't usually like to be this absolute, but Colors is my favorite metal album. Between The Buried And Me are consistently amazing but Colors is the best showcase of their range and fluidity with which they traverse various styles. At a base level Colors is a progressive metalcore album, a genre which has probably just turned a few people off of listening. But if you aren't usually into metalcore don't fear there is a lot more going on here than bad screaming and bad chugging. No BTBAM weave together intense thrash like riffing, high speed guitar solos, intense screaming, melodic jazzy solos, chromatic breakdowns, catchy clean vocal segments and frequent tempo changes with an artistry and ease that makes it hard to notice when the style does an abrupt change. Every linking segment is so natural that the tech death screams in Sun Of Nothing will transition to the melodic refrain without any sense of tonal dissonance. Even when you hit the end of Ants Of The Sky and hear them go into a full bluegrass hoedown it is just completely natural. No other album makes 10+ minute songs go by so fast. There are so many hour long metal albums out there that drag on for the sake of length alone and Colors just shits in their faces and proves that you can go on for an hour and keep an audience completely engaged the whole time.

They Might Be Giants - Lincoln

They Might Be Giants are a never ending supply of witty turns of phrase. Some are seemingly nonsequiturs like "tour the world in a heavy metal band / but they run out of gas the plane can never land" others are clever "which one of us is the one we can't trust / you say that I think it's you but I don't agree with that" and others seem like nonsense but probably mean something deeper if you just stop and think about it "how sleepless is the egg knowing that which throws the stone foresees the bone, the bone, our only home is bone". They will get at some wild themes lyrically while still maintaining an upbeat sound. That weird tonal gap is what makes songs like I've Got A Match and They'll Need A Crane into more than just songs about bad relationships. It helps obfuscate the actually bleakness of Lie Still Little Bottle, a song about being addicted to uppers. And it leaves you wondering about the seemingly pure goofy songs like Shoehorn With Teeth and Cowtown. Also you might be interested to know that Where Your Eyes Don't Go is a favorite song of local Tumblr Celebrity™ Neil Gaiman. So there's your seal of approval if you needed one.

Macintosh Plus - Floral Shoppe

Vaporwave is such a beautiful genre. It is a musical consomme where other songs are melted down until there is nothing left but the essence of the original piece. A distinctly recognizable flavor, but rendered into broth. The idea of taking a song and picking out very specific bits and then slowing them down repeating them over and over until you have turned the ten second sample into a five minute song is incredible.

Floral Shoppe is not the first, and maybe not even the best vaporwave record, but it is the blueprint that a lot of artists would seek to imitate. The track リサフランク420 / 現代のコンピュー (Lisa Frank 420 / modern computing) made some waves for having a very overt and recognizable sample and leading to people joking that the genre was just "Diana Ross slowed down". And derogatory as that sounds it is also true. The song is seven minutes of just the chorus of Diana Ross' It's Your Move looped, slowed down, and otherwise abused until it just isn't the same song anymore. What Floral Shoppe did was bring the idea of the transformative property of context to a wider audience. The question of authorship is essential to vaporwave. Most vaporwave artists will use one off monikers for albums. In fact Macintosh Plus is a one off project under the larger Vektroid umbrella. Vektroid herself is one of the most prolific and significant vaporwave artists out there and honestly I don't even think Floral Shoppe is her best work, but it is the most important.

But is it good? That's the real question. The philosophical implications of art are nice and all but is it good to listen to? Yeah it's extremely enjoyable. Listening to Floral Shoppe is like living in a slightly fucked up betamac tape that is playing commercials for new shopping malls. It captures a sense of nostalgia, but also warps it into a surreal dreamscape. Parts stutter, they loop just before the part of the song you know plays, they are repeated over and over until you feel like something is wrong. The nostalgia is recontextualized as something artificial. Like it is reminding you that the way you feel about the past is manufactured. Your memories are already corrupted by capitalism and if you could see through the matrix you would hear the broken mechanisms underneath.

The Field - From Here We Go Sublime

The Field is hard to pin down. While basically a tech-house project it is also quite a bit unlike other tech-house/minimal/ambient techno projects. I was enthralled the first time I ever put on this record. There's something ethereal about the heavily altered vocal samples. Every sound rendered distant and breathy. This is the sound of the sun glaring off of fresh snow in the winter. This is the sound that plays when you transcend your human body to become a being of pure energy. If the obelisk from 2001 A Space Odyssey was a DJ this is what it would play. It is impossible to not feel subsumed by this music, to want to just close your eyes and imagine you are floating. From Here We Go Sublime is one of the prettiest albums I have ever heard and I think even people who aren't into techno might be able to appreciate it.

The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

Look me in the eye. I'm serious look at me. Mike Skinner is a good rapper. No I'm not joking. No I don't like this album "ironically". A Grand Don't Come For Free is one of my top ten hip hop albums of all time. Right up there with Nas and J-Dilla and Kanye and shit. Skinner's flow is unconventional and, at first glance, very bad. But what he is doing is incorporating a very casual conversational style into his rapping to help communicate the personalities and moods of the characters in the story.

Oh yeah by the way this is a concept album. It's about Mike, his two friends Dan and Scott, and his new girlfriend Simone. Mike loses 1000 pounds, gets really paranoid that one of his friends stole it, and then let's that paranoia ruin all of his interpersonal relationships. The album starts by setting up the list money and various aspects of Mike's life like his new romance and gambling addiction to set up the very everyman vibes. As Mike rambles through awkward small talk, bad decisions, bad relationships, and the slow burn out of his empathy he becomes actually really relatable. Every time Mike does something that is frustrating and stupid it just kinda endears him to me. I want to see this idiot do better. Even on Get Out Of My House where he is trying to explain to Simone that he wasn't at her place while she was hungover because he was picking up his epilepsy medication and is, by any reasonable account in the right, he sucks so hard at making his point that he still comes off as the asshole. This is punctuated by guest rapper C-Mone actually rapping much better than Mike on her verses. In fact how well a character is rapping is very much tied to how confident they are at the moment with Mike being more noticeably on beat on Not Addicted and Such A Twat and sounding really off on Get Out Of My House and It Was Supposed To Be So Easy.

The beats are not just straightforward things for Skinner to rap weird style over though. The beats often contain weird syncopation and odd rhythms that make it feel like rather than not being able to stay on beat the vocals and the beat are just circling around each other. Always in sync but never knowing each other's exact location. The way these two elements come together creates the backbone for A Grand Don't Come For Free's atmosphere of disorientation and lack of control. Mike's story is ultimately about him trying to latch onto any part of his life that he thinks he can control and constantly having those things slip away from him. He finds the £1000 in the back of his broken TV by the way.

The Mountain Goats - Beat The Champ

I got into The Mountain Goats way back when Moral Orel was airing it's infamous third season back in 08. I listened to John Darnielle's entire discography even the very rough first couple of tapes. And after all that I was pretty sure that this was my new favorite band and that no album anyone released were ever gonna top All Hail West Texas, Tallahassee, or The Sunset Tree. Fast forward seven years and I see he's working on a new album. It's gonna be about wrestling. I figure it will be pretty good, because Mountain Goats albums basically bottom out at pretty good. So the album releases, I listen to it, and instantly I know that I have forever been changed. I don't know how many times one man can keep doing this to me, but by God was I changed. I'm kinda into wrestling now as a direct result of this album.

The beauty of Darnielle's writing is that he can tease the meaning out of literally anything. Mountain Goats song don't have grand concepts. Beat The Champ's songs can be summed up easily. "Retired wrestler drives to the next show" "a biography of a wrestler that Darnielle liked as a kid" "a biography of a different wrestler that Darnielle liked as a kid" "a guy who takes his gimmick too seriously". But this isn't what the songs are about. They are about feeling tired of routine and being resigned to the fact that this will be the rest of your life. They are about how the world looks through the eyes of a child. They are about finding fulfillment in life even once you have passed your prime. They are about shutting out your emotions until you become a toxic person. These songs aren't about wrestling, but also they are. Beat The Champ made me think about how difficult pro wrestling is. You need a hyperapecific skill set that includes acting, athletics, acrobatic, and improv. And then if you are the absolute best at all those things hing and end up being the best wrestler ever? Well no one really respects pro wrestling so you get fuck all for it. The strange place these people occupy and the emotions that come with it are the perfect vessel for analyzing human experience at large. Wrestling, John Darnielle posits, is a microcosm for all life. We all play parts, we do heel turns now and then, we all fear being unmasked. Wrestlers deal with literal manifestations of human fear and Beat The Champ taps into that to create an album that both comments on human anxieties in a very real way and to humanize the people behind the kayfabe.

[fictionkinfessions]

dudes no offense but it's actually wild how many times mpc has to repeat stuff, do yall all have the mod post tag blocked or what... how do so many ppl just never see the rules. like im genuinely actually confused

In their collective defense, they're fairly infrequent posting and this blog does make a lot of posts. Nobody is using xkit to highlight the 'mod response' post when it's mostly things like 'your ask message was anonymous'. Also there's a lot of text on those posts. Even I miss things. I should really see about editing it down but every time I got overwhelmed. My adhd brain tells me, much like bleeding out, it's a problem for my future self. That's probably not a good thing.

Also people do have better things to do. Like go outside, eat flowers, read books, have picnic. BTW have y'all heard of the Edible series? It's published by Reaktion Books and it's basically a brief history of specific food items or dishes. For example, caviar, curry, apples, eggs, even types of alcohol. It's really neat, like reading a wikipedia page but more in depth and with better research. I've been reading about lemon. I hadn't realized how important citron is for Sukkot. That's pretty neat imo. That's what people should be reading, not me. It's on z lib and about a hour or so to read, depending on the book. Anyways what were we talking about?