#emotional self harm mention

[page-2-ids]

Snuffemoshic: A gender related the Slipknot song Snuff and emotional self harm, and possibly emotionally self harming using the song in some way - exclusive to those who do or have emotionally self harmed

The flag is inspired by my associations with the related song

No suggested pronouns

[chaosmultiverse]

🔺 + for dahlia, vera, and polly, because im CURIOUS

Dahila's is made of of The Iron Bull and Kaito, here's why:

Iron Bull: Dahila shares a lot of the issues involving misplaced loyalty and like him can very much pick wrong when it comes to what to betray. They are also both tanks who want to be able to protect those close to them. Their biggest differences lie in things like Dahila having a lot more self worth meanwhile Bull is a lot more brainy than she is.

Kaito: They're very slimier in how they act around their friends, both are cheerful and motivate their friends to improve themselves. They also both work a lot on themselves. But they also both le, try and make their friends less worried about them and the doomed aura about them.

Vera's is made of of Aurelia Hammerlock and Jordan Griffin, here's why:

Aurelia: Both Aurelia and Vera act a lot colder than they actually feel. They both have been hurt emotionally and as a response to that they learned to cover those feelings up, to be cruel and distant from others, but deep down, they both care, a lot. Their biggest differnces is how they feel about family, Vera has a family she loves and who loves her, Aurelia doesn't.

Jordan: Jordan is very much like Vera before Vera was doing Vera shit, like Vera Jordan is very hard working and often ends up facing roadblocks that only make her want to move past them more with spite. Jordan has a few alt routes and within one she actually starts her own gang and like Vera it's to gain a feeling of control.

Polly's is made of of Duela Dent and Junko Enoshima, here's why:

Duela Dent: Both of these gals are freaking goofballs and pranksters but also both take things way too far for their own amusement. Both try to ignore their issues and cover up the depths of what's going on in their heads with silly personas. The biggest differences is the exacts of how they go about things, and Polly is honestly a lot worse morally, Duela at the end of the day is a Teen Titans member who wants to be free of her evil home-universe meanwhile Polly doesn't care too much about helping people and is up to end the world as a prank.

Junko Enoshima: They're both 'valley girls' that actually have analytical minds. Both are very bored due to the ways they exist, and both are good at shouldering off blame, though in Polly's case it's less on propose than when Junko shrugs stuff off. Though Polly is much more caring than Junko and doesn't actively wanna hurt people and doesn't engage in the same emotional self harm Junko does.

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

I'm not fond of Hadrian, at all, but even I was struck by this - that his contemporaries didn't criticize him for a relationship with his slave boy, but for grieving too much when the boy died.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around how fucking (or raping) a slave could be socially acceptable, but actually caring about him wasn't.

(Craig Williams, Roman Homosexuality, chapter 1)

[ribesrubrum]

under the mask of pride (fear rises as a guide)

//so i feel...honestly, a little guilty for how little i've been around as of late, especially since things are picking up drama-wise. irl debuffs aplenty will do that to you. but i wanted to get some writing out to kind of describe Carmine's mental state, so. here we are.

//fair warning: this fic is technically kind of offscreen rp in that it's at least canon that ren and carmine talked like this, though i'd greatly prefer it not be spread as a rumor or leak or something. but it also does talk about some heavy topics; namely very heavy self loathing, some mention of parental abandonment and abuse (heehoo headcanoning carmine's parents/why she's like this), mentions of bullying, self harm in the form of hair pulling/trichotillomania, and uh. ...look i'm not gonna beat around the bush, i don't wanna edgelord, i wanna treat this with respect but i also don't wanna sugarcoat it, this gets about as close to implying carmine was about to take drastic measures to alleviate her suffering as i'm comfortable with getting. the less implicit version of this warning will be in the tags. please uncollapse the tags before reading. dead dove: do not eat is in full effect here.

//this is going to be pretty heavy, and also stupid long. feel free to click if you're okay with handling that.

Carmine's listlessness has only grown as the days have worn on, she's finding. It doesn't help that her knuckles are still raw from punching her wall a day prior--she's thankful it seems like the wall fix went off without a hitch, and all she got was a rather stern talking to about making noise so late at night before the teacher that spoke with her went off. Cardigan's been sticking close to her side since Leavanny elected to stay near Kieran at least for a time, but even now, she feels pathetic for it.

Pathetic that she can't help her brother. Pathetic that she can't help her girlfriend, who simply wants to make sure that the whole club that they built together and maintained isn't destroyed because of Drayton's boneheaded move. If Carmine looked deep within herself, she'd be looking at Kiki's actions too, that he allowed this, that he's possibly setting himself up to lose everything. That Drayton's encouraging it, and she's been more on edge than ever and ready to tear someone apart for it. If she doesn't wind up punching him out when all is said and done, she's going to be very surprised.

Cardigan trills a bit from beside her, and she looks down to the flower-less Lilligant, pausing a bit as she looks down. She recognizes that trill, and knows that she's probably being concerning right now. Emotional regulation is still something that Carmine struggles with, even now, knowing that she can't and she shouldn't scream her feelings out to try and get people to understand, that yelling doesn't help, that you have to see other's perspectives. Even if sometimes, they trounce all over your own. Carmine looks down to Cardigan, giving the Lilligant a tired smile.

"...Sorry, Cardi. I know I'm probably not making your job very easy." It's soft in a way Carmine never usually is. In a way that Carmine never allows herself to be--she's all bravado and arrogance because for years, that's what kept her safe. That's what kept her and her brother safe, even if it clipped his wings and made everyone around her hesitant to approach either of them. It was safety, the thorns and briars that she metaphorically planted around herself, letting them spread where she walked and lashing them out at anyone who would even for a second think of hurting her. It was safety, it was lonely, but it was home.

...It's no wonder she likes grass types so much. The Lilligant's gaze only seems to get sadder when she says that much, gentle, leafy hands going to take one of her own as Cardigan stares up at her, as if trying to communicate something with those amber eyes that almost seem pleading. Carmine's hand trembles a bit, because once again she doesn't understand, she can't understand, why can't she--

Carmine hears footsteps, and immediately, her guard is up. She's immediately ready to go on the attack, in case anyone saw her, in case she has to defend being out for a walk in the Canyon Biome with her therapy Pokemon, something she's already received plenty of jabs about--but no. There's a familiar mop of blue hair, and that silly, dorky looking Orthworm is following them and waving with them, as Terry and Mio seem to take over where they left off. Ren's an idiot, in the bluntest of terms, but there's a sense of safety that comes with them. That they can see her, at her worst and most cruel, and laugh and let it slide off their back so easily. Because they were her age once. Her gender once, even, though that's largely irrelevant. They always seem so certain and keep their spirits so high, even if she's the only one they've trusted with some of their worries. And Carmine in turn, has trusted Ren with some of hers.

...They're about as disconnected from this entire situation as they can be, even though they met during that trip. It's as Carmine is contemplating going up to them and being a bother and just turning heel and walking away that the choice is made for her, as they turn around, start walking and see her--

"Oh! Miss Carmine, hey!"

She could walk away. She could just tell them to piss off and lash out, and destroy one of the few unconnected relationships she has with this entire mess, one of the few things that's genuinely hers. She could recede inside herself, lock herself away like she did after she reached her breaking point, when she nearly...

"Hey, Ren. Finally getting your nose out of those cameras?"

The barb is light, half-hearted at best, and could probably make someone deeply passionate a little upset at being teased. And yet Ren takes it in stride, laughing easily as they walk up, Lulu going to Cardigan and just kind of talking with the Lilligant for a moment. "You know it, girlie! Arc, all of these worms are doin' so well, they ain't overwhelmin' the environment nor gettin' overwhelmed themselves--everything's so perfect right now, it's really amazing! Ohh, I gotta tell you about some of the babies, they're just--"

For a brief moment, Carmine thinks she can just get away with Ren going on a hyperfixation ramble and forgetting her own worries in favor of focusing on the things her rival has accomplished. Because it is quite the accomplishment, even if Carmine's definitely harped on them for trying to downplay it before. But their gaze goes to Cardigan and Lulu, falling quickly and their words fading off as Carmine looks, and now everyone looks concerned.

Carmine's posture tightens as she realizes she can't get away with this so easily. She feels their gaze dart back to her, and she's already sure her expression is stormy, and...

"...I think that's enough about me." Fuck. Their voice has softened considerably, and she knows she's done for. "Miss Carmine, are you--"

"I'm fine, Ren." It comes out too sharp, too defensive, and there's a brief moment where she's hoping Ren will just walk away at that. She's shaking, she knows she is, and her gaze averts a bit only to feel not just Cardigan, but Lulu--that stupid, brainless worm--take her hands, wrapping them both in leaves and tendrils, and it feels disgusting and bitter and she wants to run and hide, she wants to tear her hands away--

"...Miss Carmine." Ren's voice sounds so soft, so...sad for a moment, and there's a pause as more footsteps can be heard--Carmine doesn't even bother to flinch, but she feels a tug on both of her hands as she opens her eyes, seeing Ren nod at both Pokemon before looking to her with a smile that's both soft and sad.

"Come on, Miss Carmine. Let's go somewhere else to talk, okay?"

---------------------------------------------

The trip back to her room is arduous, even though it barely takes more than fifteen minutes. Every agonizing second feels like a walk of shame, but she realizes something along the way. It's only so long because Ren knows their way around here like the back of their hand now; they know where people aren't, because they aren't some social butterfly who likes to help in every club. They take her through an easy but arduous path that leaves her alone in her head, and it takes a couple of second after Ren's stopped for her to stop too.

"...You must have a lot on yer mind to be makin' mistakes like this, Miss Carmine." Ren's voice is soft, non-judgemental, and they don't even flinch when she turns back to face them with something of a severe expression. It's the kind of care and kindness she doesn't deserve, she's sure, but as she unlocks the door to her room and ushers Ren and their Pokemon inside, it's something she finds herself internally thankful for.

Carmine's room is a mess, perhaps moreso than usual. Stress eating will do that, bags of chips and other sweet and savory alike strewn about. Cardigan doesn't even seem surprised, but Lulu, bless his stupid little soul, seems taken aback by it as he draws himself inside. She hears Ren's footsteps as they close the door behind them, a small sound escaping them as they walk in front of Carmine.

"You want some help cleanin' off that bed of yours?" Carmine looks over at her messy, disheveled bed, and it's many snacks and wrappers as well. It's an absolute Tepigsty, more than she'd ever allow anyone to see. She feels herself listlessly nod her head as she looks over to Ren, who's concern hasn't dampened even an inch as they move to help in an instant. She's thankful she's got a vacuum and that it's early enough in the afternoon that nobody's likely around the dorms; Cardigan and Lulu both assist as well as they help clear it off, at least enough to let Carmine sit down on it once they're all done.

Cardigan hops on the bed with Carmine as she sits down, and Lulu rests his head near Ren's feet as he gets himself comfortable on the floor, and Ren looks to her, finally broaching the topic, "Ya look like you got a lot on yer mind, Miss Carmine. You sure everything's okay?"

It takes Carmine a lot longer than she'd like to respond. Cardigan gently takes hold of one of Carmine's hands, gently petting it with her own leafy appendage. The eventual response she settles on is a bitter laugh.

"...I don't know." It comes out so soft and uncertain, it feels like she's a different person entirely when she says it. "I thought everything was fine. I thought...I don't know, I thought that everything would be okay. I really let myself believe that now that I made up with my brother, that everything would go back to some sort of normal, but..."

Carmine's voice pitches higher and higher with every word, and she finds herself shaking a bit. She can't even look at her rival right now, how pathetic can she even get?

"Oh, Carmine..." There's not even that weirdly respectful 'Miss' at the beginning of her name, and a part of her hates that, that she's being seen as sympathetic for even a moment when she doesn't deserve it, she doesn't deserve this, if she'd just trusted Kiki-- "Nothin' is ever that easy, but I remember how relieved ya were when Kiki actually bothered to respond."

"Yeah." Carmine confirms that much, listlessly, but a ghost of a smile traces her face. "...It really filled me with hope, for a second. That maybe things could go back to some sort of normal, that I could really see Kiki for all he is. It wanted to be seen and come into it's own, and I...I didn't know how to do that, but..."

"...But you wanted to try." Ren's words softly intervene. Carmine nods shortly after.

"I wanted to try. I still do. But it's...that big fight happened, and now everything's just...it feels like we're right back where we started."

Carmine's voice breaks a little bit, and try as she might to rein it in, it's harder to get back on track. At this point, she feels, she might as well just give up.

"...I don't know what to do."

Carmine's gaze stays down, because she can't look at Ren, she can't, she just can't. But Ren's words; soft, steady words, a contrast to the cold steel they loved so dearly, pour out none the less.

"...It's a tough position to be in, Carmine. Ya got your brother and it's undyin' need to win on one side, and ya got Miss Amarys tryin' her damnedest to hold everyone together on the other, yeah?"

"Yeah. And it's like--I don't want to destroy the relationship I have with my brother. I want to rebuild it, to let it come into it's own. But I...my beloved is right, even if I worry about saying it. She tries so hard to uphold the rules of the club, of this school, and these--these jerks keep sending her horrible, disgusting things for it. And for what?"

A quiet settles over the room, and she's sure Ren expects her to elaborate, but she doesn't. Not even she knows what, and she's sure Ren gets it by the time they speak up next.

"...I ain't gonna go makin' any assumptions, but...I don't even think I know the answer to that, Carmine."

It's soft, when Ren admits it. Sad, even. She can only imagine what their face is doing right now, and it gets Carmine to laugh a bit. Bitterly, wretchedly.

"Neither do--neither do I, Ren. And do you know how much that kills me?"

Carmine's voice pitch rises, and she feels her free hand drawing into her hair, Cardigan's trills of concern becoming more apparent as she tries to hop over and dislodge it--

"I love Kiki! I love Amarys! I love them both more than life itself and I--if I say anything at all, I'm going to hurt one of them. Both of them, even, maybe, whether I intend it or not! And the little Mandibuzzes on here, flying around and trying to hurt everyone in this school, they'll be on it in an instant, they'll--they'll hurt them both, they'll turn them both against each other, and I--if I do anything, they already know it's my fault from the start, that all of this is, that I was stupid and boneheaded and lied to my brother because I was scared it could've gotten hurt--"

"Miss Carmine."

"--and I told Juliana to lie, yes, I got so worried that Kiki would just get so excited and that Ogerpon could've hurt or done something worse to it, but then my grandfather told me to keep my mouth shut about helping Ogerpon and I--I didn't--"

"Miss Carmine."

"--And then it--it stole her mask, and I've never been more angry in my life at it, and it just--it keeps stomping on others feelings, and it won't believe anyone, and I don't know what I can actually do--"

"Miss Carmine, please--!"

"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

Carmine's shriek practically causes her to lunge at her friend, the firm tone in that moment making her see someone else. Wide yellow eyes fiercely stare at bright blue ones, as Ren startles a bit at the ferocity in her tone. The quiet over the room is tense and uneasy, and Ren already sees a few strands got torn out because of it. They take a gentle breath in as realization hits Carmine, but she's still for a moment. Still as Cardigan trills with concern, as Lulu looks up with even more concern on his dopey little face, though he looks ready to hold Carmine back more than anything.

Ren's surprisingly quick on the uptake, at least, and they speak up again before Carmine can.

"Isn't that somethin' you should be askin' of yourself?"

Ren's words are confusing, and the confusion must be apparent on her face as they reach her ears. Ren gently breathes, and continues, "I mean it. You've been talkin' this entire time about Kiki this, Amarys that, and I ain't gonna disparage you for that. Sure puts any rumors of ya bein' self centered to bed, not that I believed 'em anyway. But..."

"What is it that ya want, at the end of it all? Isn't that a question that's come up even once for ya...?"

Carmine can't even believe what she's hearing.

"Why does that matter? I've taken what I wanted for years, I--"

"Okay, you hold on a second here." Ren's words are still soft, but there's a firmness to them now that cuts through her words like butter. "When did that stop bein' a question you asked yerself?"

"It doesn't matter--"

"It absolutely does matter? Girl, yer gettin' tugged in two different directions and ya sound like yer long past the end of yer rope."

"Why does it matter when I've been nothing but a selfish bitch this entire time?!"

And that startles Ren enough to actually get them to stop for a second, completely taken aback. Carmine's gaze goes downward, and she's shaking, horribly.

"Those anons were right, okay?! I ruined Kiki's one good friendship because I'm a bonehead, I'm a failure of a girlfriend who can't even help the girl I love so much with her anger and problems other than just being there like a useless cardboard cutout, I deserve this, all of it, even all of the hateful words and it would've just been so much easier if I had--"

Something stops Carmine in her tracks from speaking. Multiple of them, really. Cardigan's hands, for starters, wrapped firmly around one of her own hands; two of Lulu's tendrils wrap around the other, and even Carmine has to admit that she's surprised by how little an Orthworm's head seems to weigh as he rests his head on one of her legs with concern.

The final thing, that she didn't even hear, is Ren getting up and putting a firm, supportive hand on her shoulder, tiny as said hand is. When she actually gets a look at their face, they look like they're about to cry, and for a brief moment she wonders if she's just gone and ruined another friendship.

"Don't--don't you dare talk about yerself like that again, you hear me?"

Oh. That's not what she expected at all; Ren's voice practically trembles as they say that, and it hits something in her. Carmine's eyes well up with tears of her own, and she can practically hear herself sniffling.

"...I'm sorry, Ren." Her voice is so soft, so delicate, so fragile in the moment that she wonders if it's her own. "I'm...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm..."

"I know you are." Ren's voice softens from that point on, and their grip becomes a little easier. A little more slack, but still there. "When did ya stop seein' yerself as someone not worth considerin' the feelin's of, girl...?"

"...I don't know. It was...before that. Maybe when Amarys and Kiki fought that one time. I--I don't know." Carmine's voice is shaky as she struggles to keep herself together, and she feels Cardigan shift and pull her arm into a hug, and the tears start pouring down at that. She can't stop them, even if she's not a sobbing wreck with no dignity. Yet, at least. "...I don't want to lose anything else."

That gets a pause from Ren, who does their best to calm themself down. "Anything else...?"

"...My parents are divorced. My dad was...he was awful. Just a screaming, bumbling oaf who went from job to job while my mom stayed home and took care of us. Though she was...she was way more focused on Kiki..."

Ren listens carefully, nodding their head as Carmine continues.

"I haven't seen either of them in...years. We usually live with our grandparents, when we're not here. Last time I saw my mom, we got into an argument. I asked her why she stopped caring for me. Why she just...tried to leave me with him--"

"...She what?"

Carmine spares a quick glance at Ren's face, when they say that--practically seething with an anger they don't usually express. "...Yeah. She--she said she could only handle one of us, and that I was Dad's favorite, so..."

"Girl." Ren's doing their best to keep their tone level, but the anger doesn't leave. Hell, if anything, it mixes with the sheer unholy audacity of what they heard, leaving them flabberghasted-- "What the fuck is wrong with your mom?"

Carmine laughs, and while it sounds bitter, there's almost some mirth to it. "Yeah. Like I said. We got into an argument last time I talked to her. I told her I wanted an apology for her trying to abandon me, before Dad went and ran away. I...haven't spoken to her since."

"Carmine...what the fuck, that's so..."

A silence hangs over the room as Ren trails off, but Carmine breaks the silence after a few moments.

"...Between this, and the rest of the shit I dealt with at school...I...I didn't want Kiki to turn out like me." Carmine sniffles, tears still coming unbidden. "I thought you had to be tough and mean to make it, but I just...I wanted Kiki to grow up happy. I wanted it to have a better life than me. I was this bitter, mean girl, but I thought I could at least make it so my little brother--it'd have a chance at growing up to be a gentle hearted little dork who had something happy in it's life. But all I did...it all just amounted to...to..."

There's a few seconds more of sniffling before the dam finally breaks, and Carmine just starts to sob without an end. She's pretty sure her makeup is running down her face, if it hasn't been already; she finally just breaks, her tears pouring and pouring down as she sobs wretchedly and loudly, her hands finally being relinquished so she can try, in vain, to wipe those tears off. But still they come; the pain of so much more than a simple inciting incident, but still mostly that.

Ren uses their own free hand to wipe away the tears falling from their own eyes, as they just let her for a bit.

"...I want to stop hurting." Carmine speaks up, and Ren starts for a moment as they listen. "I want to stop feeling like the evil person that everyone thinks I am. But what if I'm just born evil, and there's no changing that...?"

"That's--" Ren speaks up, briefly, but Carmine speaks again and they let her get it out of her system.

"I want to make things better. I want to just know if it's all my fault, I want to know if I'm just--if I'm justified, in being unable to forgive Kiki for some of the stuff it did." Carmine sniffles again, wretched sobs still escaping her. "...I want to be able to be happy again, without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I want to make my girlfriend's pain go away--I want to make Kiki's pain go away, and fuck, maybe even Atlas' and some of the others. I want the world to just stop for a bit, at least so I can stop aching like this. I...I think I just want, more than anything, for someone to tell me I've suffered enough for this, or at the very least, that I just haven't grown up to become a little clone of Dad."

"...Is that so much to ask?"

The question is soft, full of despair, but it at least feels...somewhat good, to try and dislodge some of the thorns in her. It's painful and it feels dizzying, but Ren's hand remains steady, even if their own tears come down hard.

"...You're a teenager. A teenager shouldn't--you shouldn't ever have to ask that kind of shit of yourself." Ren's words are soft, with an empathy forged in the same shit they went through. Just without a depressive spiral and a shut-in phase. "You deserve to be happy, Carmine. You made a dumb, boneheaded mistake, but that doesn't mean you're evil. And it sure as fuck don't mean that you've gone and become your Dad."

Carmine pauses a bit, her sobs coming slower as she tries to listen.

"None of that shit yer askin' about, none of it's too much. But how's anyone else gonna be happy--how can ya share happiness with others if ya ain't gettin' happiness for yerself, y'know?"

"Because ya do deserve it. Whether ya want to admit it or not. Yer not evil, yer not your dad, you're literally a confused sixteen year old girl who should've never been made to feel like that."

It's shocking to hear, really. All of it is. Ren says it with so much conviction that Carmine almost believes it.

"...I don't want to talk anymore. I...I think I just want to...cry..."

"...Cry as much as you need, girl. I'll be here as long as you need."

"Don't--don't tell anyone about this, Ren. Please. Everyone has enough to worry about, and I...I don't want to put more on them. Please, I already feel bad enough burdening you..."

Ren manages something of a soft, warm chuckle at that. "...No worries, girl. What we talked about is stayin' in here, I swear on my life."

"...Thank you, Ren."

Carmine cries herself out eventually; by the time she's done, the two of them have shifted from the bed to the floor, bringing Carmine's mattress down to floor level so they could distract themselves until Carmine fell asleep. It's no easy fix, listening to a friend, but...if it makes the burden lighter, then Ren has no problem with it.

They were in a similar place many years ago with no one to help them, after all. It's the least they can do.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

just remembered that for some definition of self harm I've self harmed almost all of my life... just not in ways that led to scarring, not until the last year.

[underleveledjosh]

"Psychological self harm" you selfish, selfish brat. "I don't want this content on my blog" you selfish brat. "I care about what directly affects me" YOU SELFISH BRAT. "Genocide is bad, but" You are complicit. You can throw all the buzzwords you want, it doesn't change you're a privileged american crying online that genocide makes you feel bad and it's fine because others are doing what you aren't anyway.

The fact that others are doing what I'm not is the reason why I don't feel the need to talk about it. And, yes. Emotional/psychological self harm is a real thing.

[ariadnesweb]

Kris & Anthy - The Violence of the 4th Wall

A big thing for both Deltarune and Utena is a light-hearted simplistic 'Episode' (Chapter) structure, in which an adventure happens within the confines of the narrative. Throughout the events of the 'Episode', Kris & Anthy's behavior is highly regulated & controlled.

(Not without flashes of personality and fun, but they lack enough autonomy that 1) others' illusions of them cannot be shut down, 2) they cannot pull away from coercive/abusive situations.)

The 'inside' of the Episodic structure is symbolized by either the school-in-daylight or the surrealistic 'otherworld' - the 'outside' of the Episodic structure is symbolized by nightime and the presence of the credits. The 'inside', while oppressive, is 'safe': Kris & Anthy are accompanied by friends, and most, if not all, violence is confined to the 'Game'.

Of course, the structure necessitates that Kris & Anthy venture outside of its confines; the Episode, by its very name, is episodic, and can only last for bursts of time. What happens next is outside our ability to analyze: we only get hints at what is happening, we viewers are tied to the 4th wall.

We know this: 1) Kris & Anthy set up the preparations needed for the next episode, behaving erratically but with purpose (we've seen how the coincidences line up), 2) Kris & Anthy face a ritualistic amount of violence outside the scope of the Episode - with Kris painfully ripping away their soul, and with Anthy having to come back to her abusive (bigger, older) brother.

It is this violence from 'outside' the Episode that characterizes both Kris & Anthy - dissociation from their bodies and the people around them - they have minimal ability to participate throughout the Episode, as the conflicts and quirks are mostly driven by everyone (untouched) around them.

In both Deltarune and Utena, the presence of the 4th wall is strongly associated with the influence of a pivotal character. In Utena, this is Akio, Anthy's brother, whose gaze/beliefs shapes the 4th wall, who tries to maintain in stasis the prince-princess myth; In Deltarune, this is *Us, for whom the 4th Wall and the Episodic Structure contain and maintain, to seemingly line up with the existence of the Angel (whatever that means).

To Kris & Anthy, and their journeys of staying true to themselves while surviving, the scrutiny of the 4th wall is an obstacle in its own right.

[crash-bump-bring-the-whump]

Patient File: MO-1620

As with most other things, this has been burning in my brain for the last however long and I need to exorcise it by writing it down

TWs: captivity (imprisonment), discussions of self-worth, discussions of anxiety, discussions of trauma, self-flagellation, references to murder (including child murder), referenced but not discussed self-harm and suicidal ideation

The following is a transcript of Inmate MO-1620's visits with the facility psychologist and counselor, Dr. Juan Castillo. These documents contain confidential information. If you have received them in error, please destroy them immediately and notify the phone number on the cover sheet. Failure to do so may result in a felony punishable by a fine in any amount not exceeding $5,000, or imprisonment of not more than 5 years, or both, together with the costs of prosecution. For privacy, inmate names have been redacted in all places that they appear.

This document has been translated from Spanish to English, per written request.

BEGINNING OF TRANSCRIPT

XX/XX/XXXX - Session X

JC: Hello, XXXXX, it's good to meet you. You don't have to be nervous, this isn't a bad visit.

MO-1620: Can I ask why I'm here? They don't...usually let people talk to me.

JC: Of course. You're here because there's been talk of you being released early. I'm going to determine if you're ready for that over the next few weeks.

MO-1620: I...they can't do that. They shouldn't release me.

JC: Why is that?

MO-1620: You've seen my records. You know...you are aware of what I've done. They shouldn't let me out.

JC: I have seen your records. I've also seen your records of conduct during your sentence. I think you're a suitable candidate for release.

MO-1620: My conduct here does not mean anything. This isn't the real world.

JC: I think it does. I know during the incident in July, you didn't fight back. You chose to walk away.

MO-1620: It was not a situation that needed to be escalated. Anyone could see that XXXXX was...not in his right mind. He got bad news, I accidentally bumped into him on my way back from my yard time. I got hit. It was nothing to fight over. The guards got him away before anything could even happen, anyway.

JC: Most people in that situation would've fought back. Why didn't you? You hadn't done anything wrong.

MO-1620: It wasn't necessary. I don't like...I don't like hurting people. I don't want to hurt anyone again.

JC: So following that logic, why are you not a good candidate for early release?

MO-1620: I didn't want to hurt the people I killed, either. I still did it when I was told to. I can't be trusted with freedom.

JC: XXXXX, you were in a difficult position. Youngest member of your team, given the most unpleasant tasks, and threatened with punishment if you didn't fulfill them. You reported everything that was happening, as well, to the public and media. Don't you think that deserves some consideration?

MO-1620: No.

JC: Why not?

MO-1620: Those are excuses given to justify behavior. I've burned people alive. I've killed entire towns with nothing but my casting gloves and a handgun. People have begged me for their lives, for their children's lives, and I ignored them. You cannot ever justify that. You cannot justify any of that.

JC: Your hands are shaking. Are you angry at me?

MO-1620: No.

JC: Are you upset?

MO-1620: No. I am sick. I'd like to go back to my cell, please.

JC: Alright, lean back and I'll call someone in.

XX/XX/XXXX- Session X

JC: Welcome back, XXXXX. How are you feeling?

MO-1620: I'm nervous.

JC: What has you nervous? Nothing will happen to you in here.

MO-1620: I know. I...am just a nervous person, I think. You are...you are kind, though. I apologize for how I ended our last session.

JC: No, I think that was the healthiest thing you could've done. Leaving a situation to calm down is a good way to deal with hard emotions when you don't have other options.

MO-1620: That's very generous of you to say. I felt like I was being dramatic. Throwing a tantrum.

JC: I didn't think so. I do think that you tend to judge yourself very harshly, though.

MO-1620: I don't understand what you mean.

JC: You seem like you take a very harsh stance on your own actions, with very little room for compassion or understanding.

MO-1620: I have to make sure that I don't slip up. I'm...very dangerous.

JC: I don't think you're dangerous. You have the potential for danger, just like anyone else, but I don't feel like I'm in danger right now.

MO-1620: Of course not. The people who raise lions and tigers in their home don't feel like they're in danger, either. But something always happens.

JC: Are you just a lion or a tiger, trapped in someone's home?

MO-1620: I might as well be. I can't hurt people in here. I don't see anyone that I could hurt. It's safest for me to be here.

JC: Don't you feel lonely staying in here?

MO-1620: I do. That's alright.

JC: Why is it alright?

MO-1620: I think being lonely is the least I could do.

JC: Can you elaborate on that?

MO-1620: I took people's families from them. Partners, friends, there are a lot more lonely people in the world now, because of me.

JC: You being lonely won't bring them back

MO-1620: It won't. But neither will me living a life that those people won't ever get to experience again. I still don't understand why my sentence was so light compared to the others.

JC: So you should be punished until you die?

MO-1620: I think so, yes.

JC: That's not a very healthy mindset.

MO-1620: Why should I get the privilege of health?

JC: You're a human being, I think every human being deserves health.

MO-1620: I think that's a bit of a stretch.

JC: Are you not a human being?

MO-1620: No, not anymore. I threw that away when XXXXX told me to start razing XXXXX and I did it.

[Two minutes of silence follow]

MO-1620: I think I'd like to go back to my cell, please, Doctor Castillo.

DD/MM/YYYY - Session X

JC: XXXXX, it's good to see you again. How have you been these last few weeks?

MO-1620: It...is good to see you too. I...have been better. I have also been worse, though.

JC: It's important not to get caught up in minimizing your own pain just because you've experienced worse.

MO-1620: I...I apologize.

JC: My feelings aren't hurt. What has you feeling bad?

MO-1620: I just can't understand what you see in me. It's confusing. I've done some of the worst things someone can do. How could I ever be fit to go back to...to a normal life?

JC: I focus on your current behavior, not your past.

MO-1620: Why is that...okay? Why do you do that?

JC: People can change. Not everyone will, but some people can. I think you're a different person than you were when you hurt those people.

MO-1620: What makes you so sure? I...I feel the same. I don't think I'm any different.

JC: Change isn't some big, sweeping thing. Not permanent change, anyway. It has to be small, and gradual. Sometimes we don't even notice it. I think you've been doing that. I've seen the books you've been checking out. Why have you been focusing on self-help and communication books?

MO-1620: I want...to understand people better. I don't understand others very well. It makes things hard.

JC: Someone who didn't care about hurting others wouldn't care about understanding them.

MO-1620: Maybe. You talk like I deserve to be forgiven, though.

JC: I think it should be on the table. You might not be able to forgive yourself now, but I don't think it should be off-limits forever.

MO-1620: That is not mine to give, though.

JC: Forgiveness?

MO-1620: Yes. Forgiveness for how I hurt others is not something I get to give to myself. That doesn't make sense. I wasn't the one hurt.

JC: I think you were.

MO-1620: How was I hurt? I did the hurting. It's selfish to make this about me and my feelings.

JC: These sessions are all about you. If there's a time to explore something that feels selfish, now is the perfect time. I can't imagine it was fun to do all of that.

MO-1620: There was adrenaline, but...you're right. It wasn't something I liked. I didn't want to do it.

JC: You wanted to stop so badly that you almost beat someone to death.

MO-1620: I...did. I did that, yes. It was not the way I should've handled it. I shouldn't have touched our superior officer.

JC: But nothing else worked. You don't immediately jump to violence. Should you never be forgiven for hurting your superior officer?

MO-1620: No, I shouldn't. I think he deserved it, but I still shouldn't forgive myself for it. I'm not a good judge of what is right or wrong.

JC: Because you trusted the people in charge of you?

MO-1620: Because I knew better, and still made excuses. I made excuses to myself until I couldn't look either my leader or super in the eye without wanting to vomit. I should've taken the torture training instead. I should've accepted the punishments. They couldn't kill me and get away with it, and I knew that. I should've done anything but what I did. The only thing I did right was turn us all in.

JC: I think most people would've done what you did in your position.

MO-1620: I don't think that makes it okay, or forgivable.

JC: I think it does. I think you don't want to admit that it was traumatic to go through all of that, because you happened to also hurt others. But it wasn't fun. I think it hurt you a lot to do those things. I think it was scary to have those threats made if you didn't obey orders.

MO-1620: I...I think I deserve to hurt like this, though. It's fair.

JC: It's fair?

MO-1620: I shouldn't ever forget, or get too comfortable. If it helps me remember, and if it helps me stay in line...I think it's fair. I'll take that.

JC: I see. Would you like a tissue, XXXXX?

MO-1620: ...Yes. Yes, please.

JC: Take your time, and then I'll let them take you back. I think it's a good time to end today.

MO-1620: Thank you, Doctor Castillo.

XX/XX/XXXX - Session X

JC: Hello again. XXXXX. You don't look well, are you feeling alright?

MO-1620: I haven't been sleeping very well. The guards tell me that you are saying I should be released next month. I...I don't understand.

JC: You've demonstrated self-restraint, self-awareness, and a deep remorse for your actions. You haven't participated in so much as an argument in your years here, either. Unless you've somehow managed to fool someone who's caught serial killers in their games, you aren't going to re-offend.

MO-1620: I...I am very afraid, Doctor Castillo. I do not know how to...to say how I'm feeling. It doesn't feel like you've been listening to me at all.

JC: I've been listening more than you think I have. You are...what, XX years old? I've been doing this since before you were born, XXXXX. I've talked to guys who've done what you did before. You're not my first violent offender. You know how many have begged me to stay here, because they were afraid they'd hurt someone else?

MO-1620: Not...many?

JC: You have. You and one other have begged to stay. The rest have all but promised me their first-born to get out of here early. So no. You will not be staying.

MO-1620: What if I mess up again? What if more people end up dead? I cannot handle that. I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

JC: You don't have to know. No one else will die because of you, because you aren't going to do that again. You don't trust yourself enough to even come close to being in a position to do that again. I'd be surprised if you felt confident enough to care for a pet rock when you're released. You will be fine out there.

[One minute of silence follows. Unintelligible noises can be heard, but the recording is too low quality to discern the source. The noise gradually becomes clearer and can be identified as MO-1620 crying.]

JC: Alright, none of that, hands on the chair arms. Good, good. Just like that. Breathe. Here are the tissues. I'll tell them to take you back. Not to your cell yet, you're on a watch. You can go back to your cell afterwards, then we'll get you ready to get out of here.

[A beep can be heard]

JC: Can I get Rodriguez in here? No, no. Nothing like that. Yeah, looks like a panic attack. Just for a few days, maybe a week. Yes. Just to be sure he makes it to release date. No, we certainly don't need a repeat of the XXXXX situation.

[A door squeaks open]

Off. R: Is this...him? XXXXX XXXXX? The one who...

JC: Yes. I think he'll need some help--yes, it's safe. He won't hurt you, if he could I would've asked for Ortega. Just like this, at his elbow. There. I'll call Medical and ask them to send down something to help keep him calm.

JC: I'll check on you later, XXXXX. You'll be fine. Just breathe.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

My analysis of MO-1620 is such: He is safe to return to society. He has expressed marked improvements in behavior, judgement, and habits, along with regret and a strong desire to not re-offend. Additionally, the differences between his actions and those on his team are large enough that I support the proposal put forth by Judge Miranda.

Dr. Juan Castillo

Dr. Juan Castillo

XX/XX/XXXX

[asterlovessams]

Tw vent

info under the cut

I don't know if I'll be doing art for a while. I've had memory loss i remember things differently my memory is fuzzy. Im severly depressed because of my past and whats been going on in the present. I hate myself sometimes I want to die but im scared to make the people I care about upset. I've tried overdosing. Ive been hurting myself over and over countless times. I spend everyday knowing I hate myself little things have began to set me off. My family isn't making it better either. If im yelled at I want to cry but I don't. I haven't been seeking help all I do is starve myself by throwing up my food everyday. I drink lots of liquids when I don't want to deal with the pain and make people concerned. All I do is sit in bed and sleep I don't know what to do.

I feel uncomfortable with people touching me alot now too. One of my friends keeps telling everyone how I feel and its not helping. I've been sexually assaulted multiple times to the point I don't feel comfortable with a t shirt on. I hate myself so much I've been shamed for eating alot when I actually feel like it and for being so thin and frail. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[page-2-ids]

ThisILovemoshic|Thisovemoshic: A gender related to the GnR song This I Love and emotional self harm, and possibly emotionally self harming using the song in some way - exclusive to those who do or have emotionally self harmed

The colors are inspired by my associations with the related song

No suggested pronouns

[zarovich]

ermm does the urge to harm yourself ever go away 😀 asking for a friend (myself)

[kreinvulon]

🐈💔🥯

For Vyn!

huzzah ! ! ! all under the cut.

giving a small warning beforehand for a mention of self harm, though not explicit or graphic. this does not discuss physical self harm or wounds.

🐈 — does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close friends?

definitely a close few. for a more solemn note, it’s less people he needs to watch his back around. vyn finds more sincerity and love in friendship with a select few people than a few dozen.

💔 — what are three of your oc's negative traits?

he’s bitter, he’s withdrawn to the point of emotional self-harm & sabotage, he’s distrustful. and stubborn.

orivyn is a man who keeps everything locked inside until he bursts and lashes out, though swiftly comes to regret it. VERY swiftly.

initially—at the beginning of relationships—vyn appears as if he’s in discomfort, often distrustful of the other individual. it takes him a while, but that shell cracks and he crawls out of it. thank gore for changing that for him.

🥯 — what does your oc's typical breakfast look like? do they usually eat breakfast?

vyn ensures to get a meal in every morning before he sets off travelling; a fun fact for you, he even treats his companions to a hot breakfast if he wakes up before them all.

that man knows breakfast is important. he’ll typically settle for something healthy, and rich in nutrients to keep him energised, but light enough to not make him drowsy on the road.

craving savoury? maybe a bowl of stew and a chicken dumpling, with a slice of buttered bread on the side.

craving sweet? … dumplings. i don’t even know what to say to you, this man fucking loves dumplings.

[asm5129]

The Pain of Going to a Psych Ward (a Respectful Response to Ilymation) [SEPTEMBER VIDEO ESSAY]

content warnings: This video includes discussions of suicide, self harm, trauma, psych wards, and brief mentions of police brutality. Please prioritize your own mental health.

Hello to all my Queers and Dears and welcome to the September 2023 entry in my series of monthly video essays!

In this video, I discuss my history as a patient at various psych wards and break down why ilymation's video The Perks of Going to a Psych Ward didn't sit well with me.

This one took a lot out of me, but i think it's worth it.

[bpdstevenuniverse]

// TRIGGER WARNING - mention of self-harm

probably one of the worst parts about having the parents i do, is the fact you're terrified of telling them you messed up. like getting a bad grade, or fighting someone etc.

when you mess up, you can't go to your parents. you know what they're going to do and/or say. in my case, they won't be physical about it, but they're very dismissive of my feelings, and they make me feel awful for making mistakes. and honestly? sometimes they're not even mistakes. sometimes it's me having a trauma reaction, like self-harming or exploding, when it often has a reason why.

i hate that i can't open up to my parents. i wish i could. but they're not the kind of parents that will comfort you or embrace you. they just make you feel even worse.

[thirstghosting]

my blog title is still buffy angstposting but like I burned through all of the arcs that actually pay off and I just. its like slitting my actual wrists to carry the series to term ykwim

[magnusmodig]

rough childhood headcanon qs / anonymous / accepting !

╰┈➤ 1 . does your muse blame themselves for their trauma?

||. As is ever the case with Thor Odinson, the short answer is still, in itself, complicated. Ultimately the answer is, in my personal opinion, yes , though Thor is an incredibly introspective person, and so he can be self-aware enough of himself and his family situation to see it plainly for what it was. Thor is not a doormat. But whether or not he fully commits to acting on what he's feeling, and thinking based that awareness is its own issue. One mostly steeped in how Thor views himself and partly how he views his own family (specifically: he views them all with blinding rose-colored glasses ESPECIALLY once they've died, regardless of the damage they've caused him).

For some context on what I mean, by "how Thor views himself", I mean that he is shown to have something of an atlas complex (also known as: superman complex, savior/hero syndrome, codependency). Everything comes down to him. He's the strongest, so he'll do it. He can outlive and outlast, so he'll endure. He's the eldest, so it's his responsibility. So on and so forth very often times coming out as "I will solve this problem for you" statements most notably with Jane Foster. He takes failure personally, especially when other people are at stake, or the collateral. And he will hold himself accountable for tragedies beyond his control at length. In "The Avengers" and a deleted scene in "Thor: Ragnarok" he actively and repeatedly lumps himself in with his family (aka his father and siblings, mostly), and their catastrophic, destructive actions and pasts — both of which are things that thor himself actually hasn't partaken to any large degree (unless we count the failed Jotunheim heist and even that he WAS going to bail on before his temper got the best of his judgement.) He proceeds to call them (his family) "bilge snipe", while using the terms "we" (denotating himself as part of the issue) and proceeds to call the metaphorical bilge snipe "repulsive". He does this again in Ragnarok while telling Banner that "we're cursed to fight amongst ourselves while everyone else suffers for it"), meaning his opinions on the matter have not changed since 2012.

And by "blinding rose colored glasses" I mean that Thor has another tendency to see the good in people, partly in nature and partly deliberately, especially when seeking it out. And he does this especially when it comes to his family, and he will justify their actions by trying to step into their shoes even when it may not always be appropriate. (//gestures at literally all of thor: ragnarok and how he still idolizes his father to an obscene degree thankstaika re: "i'm not as strong as you", and even further back to the way thor speaks to odin in thor 2011 at the end of his banishment re: "there will never be a wiser king than you or a better father". He also idolizes Loki in "The Dark World" with the line "loki, for all of his grave imbalance, understood rule as i know i never will" and to a lesser degree does this with Frigga in the same film "she saved us all, a thousand times.")

From a slightly more psychological perspective:

The long and short of it is that it is much easier to blame yourself for things that hurt you that were beyond yourself. Especially when you can't understand it, or didn't deserve it. Especially when they come from someone you hold in high esteem, and hold a lot of love for. Like caregivers and family. In a twisted way, it grants the guilt-bearer some level of CONTROL over their emotions and their situation that they did not have in the moment the hurt occurred. If you're can blame yourself, then you're at fault. If you're at fault, then you can feel guilty, and if you're guilty, then you can atone. You can actively work to make up for it. ( "By blaming ourselves, we maintain the perception that we’re still in control of the situation and ultimately safe -even when we’re not." - rosscenter.com) This is especially critical in children who go through this sort of parental dysfunction and neglect. And the reason why I think this is not a development saved for his young adult -> adult years is because of exactly what we see on screen.

Thor comes from a family that is just as loving as it is toxic. His father was so good at being a wise king that he completely failed at being a good father. It's something Thor even calls out in "The Dark World" ("I'd rather be a good man than a great king") after speaking on how being king is losing who you are to politics and mind games and war. Odin as a parent, and Odin's overbearing, all-encompassing shadow of a legacy is what Thor's entire character arc was always about overcoming. His mother, Frigga, is by far the most decent of the bunch, but she is far from perfect. To pull from a previous meta on the subject, my opinion on frigga/thor is as follows: " [...] an unfortunate cycle in which [Frigga] spent SO MUCH ENERGY [...] making sure [Loki] felt seen/heard and had “some sun for himself” that she COMPLETELY neglected to see that her other son was in just as much pain as the youngest was [...] And only realized how estranged they had become when it was too late, and she couldn’t reach Thor anymore. (She also died before she could make it right.)"

His brother is arguably the person he was ever closest to (even among his friend group), up until his brother manipulated and betrayed his trust, killed him, attempted suicide in front of him, tried to take over earth as payback, tried to kill him again, rejected him outright, and then got put into jail.

Suffice it to say that while I think that Thor's issues stem from deep childhood trauma (and only ever further reenforced by the fact he ages so slowly), my dude's got some issues, and blaming himself for past trauma is definitely one of them. (When he can't get away with internalizing it and avoiding it any longer, anyways.) I do also think to a lesser degree this behavior does also count towards friends, just to a less extreme degree. With the main difference being: Thor adores his family. He wants to keep them close to him. He's incredibly protective of all of them. Which isn't to say he doesn't love his friends, because that would be the biggest lie. But friends come and go. Thor will always want to be a good friend, but he wants to be a good son even more than that. And so in cases of conflict with a friend and a peer, Thor will gladly and readily call out his friends for their bad behavior just as readily as he would also dismiss and justify their bad behavior towards himself. (you know like not checking in on him for five years in "endgame", apparently...)